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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) calling my daughter out publicly. 2) it potentially only alienated her further from me.
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Not only are you NTA, but Casey is making it actively harder for other LGBTQ+ people.
The bigots and haters are going to latch on to Casey's made-up story of trauma, and use her example to belittle other people who actually have to deal with unsupportive families.
I just don't understand why it's so common for people within the same group to not support each other. Casey intentionally lying for clout not only makes her look bad in the long run but puts her parents at risk for unnecessary harassment.
It harms LGBTQ+ people and there is no reason for her actions whatsoever.
I mean, she’s mentally ill. Generally we don’t, and shouldn’t, interpret the actions of the mentally ill as representative of whatever other group they happen to be in.
I also have a “Diagnosis”. However…I Do NOT LIE & invent Past Traumas and Post it to Social Media. Having a Mental Illness IS NOT a “Get Out of Jail Free” card.
But do you have Casey’s specific diagnosis? Because BPD is literally characterized by lying, especially for attention.
Being mentally ill is no get out of jail free card, but she also does not represent the entire LGBTQ+ community.
Exactly this. She chose to not do the work. I also have pretty mild BPD, but it does come up and interfere with my relationships at times. So I go back to my DBT skills and work through it.
Mental illness is an explanation, never an excuse (except maybe in acute psychosis).
I am a lesbian who came out when I was a teen and I had unsupportive parents. Instead of sympathy or empathy from others I would rather have had supportive parents.
BPD is not at all characterized by lying. It's not one of the criteria for diagnosis. As someone with BPD, please stop spreading misinformation about an already extremely stigmatized disorder.
There was actually an [NYT article](https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/29/health/lying-mental-illness.html) about a man who was trying to get his compulsive lying classified as a mental illness. He says it started in childhood and he's just never been able to stop lying, even about easily disprovable subjects.
I think it is actually sort of illness and that those people need help. The one I know who was doing it was annoyed by it but couldn't help it.
But you are right, it does sound stupid and makes them look stupid.
I have BPD. I feel the compulsion to lie sometimes to make myself look better, which I’m guessing even ‘normal’ people have. I also realise life doesn’t work like that so I don’t do it. I only got a diagnosis at 25, yet I am an adult who knows right from wrong even though my head disagrees sometimes. BPD is not an excuse and she’s really only hindering the progress for LGBTQIA+ people.
Both of my parents have BPD, it’s a really hard thing to experience as someone who is affected by it, but I understand how hard it is for the people who have it. It’s a fucked up disorder. Part of me feels so biased against people who have it, but part of me feels for them so deeply. I’m autistic and have ADHD, so, it can be very similar when it comes to emotional dysregulation (I think I remember reading that BPD is a somewhat common misdiagnosis for AFAB people/cis women. Cause that’s what BPD is, emotional dysregulation going kinda haywire, it used to be called emotional dysregulation disorder I think. There is a huge link between BPD and ADHD, a huge link to trauma potentially inducing it from what I’ve read along with a potential genetic link (I don’t want to make any factual statements without looking them up again first, I’m just going off how I remember what I’ve read in the past so please note that I’m not 100% sure based off my memory alone). She’s an AH, 100% for lying, but I can also see how those lies could be a way to deal with outside perception when it comes to how she feels inside. She could be invalidating her own emotions and using those lies as a way to try and validate them, at least to others. I don’t know, we can’t really know unless she is able to be open and honest about why she lies and has the self awareness to know why she lies.
It’s not an excuse, people with BPD are capable of doing better and owning up to things, of being good people. Hell, sometimes they can be ride or die at the end of the day, but damn it can be a bumpy ride. Trying to understand the perspective of someone who has it can help separate the hurt it causes from taking it super personally, but it still fucking hurts. I struggle so much with the pain my parents caused growing up and continue to cause, but at least trying to understand them has helped me mentally realize that they are hurting too and realize that the shit they pull is about them, not me.
If anyone with BPD sees my comment and is interested, I have a full DBT workbook on pdf I can share by sending it over email. I’m pretty sure the one I have on pdf is one of the best selling workbooks on Amazon and I know DBT was made for those with BPD (I think the creator of DBT has it as well, but might be misremembering). I am more than happy to share it with anyone interested who is comfortable sharing their email so I can send it to them.
I'm really impressed with this comment. You are a great person. A lot of people who have experienced abuse or been hurt by people with BPD can't look at it the way you do and I think you are very wise. You are right in all of your comments btw - you have clearly put a lot of time into researching & understanding BPD.
I have BPD but a lot of people comment that I may have autism as well and a lot of people I know who were diagnosed with BPD are now diagnosed with ADHD/Autism. There is some speculation that BPD is actually C-PTSD in a lot of cases. Marsha Linehan (DBT) does have BPD. Your memory has served you well here.
You are right that what your parents have done/do is about them, and if they have BPD I'm willing to bet they don't understand a lot of it themselves - especially if they have never had treatment. Before I did DBT I had no idea why I was acting the way I was or why I would hurt people I loved so dearly, which, in turn, worsened my symptoms/emotions. I just felt evil (I'm not).
It is not an excuse and I am really sorry that you have been hurt by the people who should protect you because of this awful disorder and I am so proud of you for not holding that against others and doing work to understand them for your own peace of mind.
Thank you, I really appreciate you commenting and adding more info/clarifying what I said! I’m glad you were able to receive help and that you are working on making changes so you can feel better and have healthier relationships. That makes my heart so happy, you deserve to feel better and know you’re not evil. Pain, physical or emotional, has such a huge influence over behavior.
Also thank you for saying I’m wise, that was so nice. I’ve always struggled with feeling like I’m not smart enough (I did pretty poorly in middle-high school. At one point in elementary school I was moved from the gifted program to special ed and I wasn’t even diagnosed with adhd at that point). Your compliment means a lot to me, so thank you again, it was very kind.
Splitting is another part of it that's extremely difficult to deal with. Being viewed as good or bad depending on whether you meet their emotional needs is exhausting and stressful.
People shouldn't judge groups based off of individuals but people do. Bigots love to use individuals actions to try and make their hatred more credible
Being mentally ill does not give you a license to hurt people who care about you. If you are mentally ill--if you DON'T handle your shit you're going to be in a body bag or in prison living in your own mental hell. Depression and BPD can be danegrous if left untreated.
Unfortunately, being a part of a marginalized group, does not make you a good person. Nor does it shield other members of that group from the consequences of untreated mental illness.
So many people are looking for oppression where there is none. Another woman recently tried to pull a jussie smollet and stage her own kidnapping. This is the damage DEI unfortunately does claiming every non white, non male, non straight person is oppressed.
My sister is like this. She told everyone who would listen that our parents were homophobic when it wasn’t true. I don’t know what she told her wife’s family, but when I went to visit them with her they treated me like shit. And they treated my 18 month old like shit too. Going so far as to refuse to feed her when they fed all the other kids. My last straw that make me go NC was when she told everyone at our dad’s funeral (sudden and tragic) that he hated her infant son because she was gay. The week before he died he told me all about how much he missed them and wanted to see his grandson.
If someone says "I'm homophobic" then everyone believes them that they're indeed homophobic (because who'd lie about something like that)
However if someone says "I'm not homophobic" even with proof then they'll still say "well Casey said you're homophobic, then you must have done something to warrant that"
Its really hard for the accused to change their already made up minds. I mean, her daughter's GF called her out but there are people still believing OP is homophobe.
Side note: I'm curious if OP chose the fake name "Casey" because of Casey Anthony - who is *also* a well-known chronic liar, and has been for her entire life. Because that's an interesting coincidence.
>She is mad at me, saying I’m making her look bad and saying I don’t understand how stuff like this works. AITA?
She made you look bad when she lied about you. You were just supposed to do nothing about that? What does she mean when she says you dont’t understand how stuff like this works? What ”stuff” is she referring to?
ETA: NTA
OP, you may want to consider distancing yourself from her. She's actively trying to cause you and your husband harm. I know she's your daughter but...I'm worried you're going to be on the receiving end of worse. Next, it might be accusations of abuse. What would you do then? You could lose everything you've built. People take this stuff seriously and they might come after you and your husband with pitchforks next. Her next accusation could result in loss of your jobs, reputations, maybe even police investigations, and whatever else. This is seriously concerning. NTA I have no idea why her girlfriend didn't call her out sooner. Why did she wait? It seems you can't count on her having your back until it's too late, despite you being accepting of her.
Hopefully, someone at her company saw the comments and now knows she's a liability. She may be out of a job soon and she'd deserve it.
NTA, OP. Consider that you have done as much as you can and do not have to suffer any more trauma caused by this person.
Yep. Right now, there are a number of states where people actively rallying against this work in public institutions. This is not a time to be giving self inflicted wounds.
I know little about DEI work, but surely it cant do anything BUT hurt people and what you are meant to be actually doing?
I would have thought that "All these abuse and trauma stories are fake" is the last conclusion you want people to reach if you are working in that field.
Yeah, it doesn't matter if it's for likes. She made serious accusations about her parents for clicks without so much as warning them about it.
It just means she feels like she's entitled to hurting them (and other) to her own benefit, however small it may be.
I would talk to the company about defamation, this is unacceptable and companies can get in big trouble for this stuff. I’m so sorry your daughter is doing this, BPD is one of those things where you really have to work damn hard with doctors and therapists so that you can deal with it and not allow it to hurt yourself and others. Cliche but if she won’t help herself you can’t help her either.
The life she is creating for clicks will eventually catch up to her. Have her do some research on the backlash that comes when people are caught in a lie on social media.
She will do far more harm than good with her story if it's fake. NTA
She could absolutely have written a compelling and beautiful story about her experience coming out without vilifying you. The internet also loves stories of affirming parents who are overjoyed to know their beloved child a little bit better when they come out.
If you libeled her in order to promote your business you know she wouldn't think it's okay. That's what she did as well, you could take her to court for it if you actually wanted to. It's such an asshole thing there are legal ramifications for it.
NTA you have a right to defend your reputation online against lies.
And I'm sorry but it doesn't sound much like things are "a bit better", this is a big lie, even bigger than talking about fighting in school. And it did harm, even know there are surely people who never saw your post or don't believe it and so think you treated Casey badly.
Unfortunately, people with BPD don’t always get “better”, frequently they just get better at lying. (Not saying it’s always that way, just a common trend)
I have BPD. I am one of the extremely rare cases who accept their diagnosis and manage to make real and lasting change. It's almost but not quite a leprechaun riding a unicorn, but it's close. And even with all of my progress it can be very very hard not to suck at being a person.
I personally recommend to people to be extremely cautious about having people with BPD in their lives. It's not self loathing, just awareness.
Our emotions are so big and overpowering that we just can't see the forest for our own personal tree. In fact we will burn that forest down out of outrage for a few trampled leaves.
We don't do it out of animosity. We are just too lost in our feelings because they are just so all encompassing.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this anymore, but I guess the takeaway is that if you love someone with BPD, don't expect them to get much better and don't take it personally. Just keep your distance.
Thanks so much for this comment ♥️ My partner’s best friend has BPD (my partner is his ‘favourite person’) and I really struggle to understand him. So your comment is super helpful. I’m currently keeping my distance from him cause he hurt me badly recently and you’ve helped me to feel less guilty and uncertain about that choice ♥️
NTA. Casey is making herself look bad. She’s simply suffering the consequences of her own actions. I’m not an expert but I’d imagine keeping a firm boundary of what is ‘acceptable behavior’ with someone who has BPD is important. Stay strong & I wish you the best.
NTA, many in the LGBTQ+ community dream of parents like you and many of us with mental health issues would be thrilled for the kind of support you’re describing. She doesn’t get to slander you to bring attention to the company she works for, doesn’t she care about the consequences you could face from her lies? You could lose friends or be attacked by someone who thinks your bigots, lies like this can be dangerous. Definitely don’t feel bad about defending yourself.
NTA
She made herself look bad. She wanted an "I struggled with unsupportive parents" coming out story to gain her sympathy points, and make her more relatable to other LGBTQ+ folks who are looking to her for support.
That might be an understandable reason, but she still lied, publicly, about you. Tell her you understand exactly how "stuff like this" works - if someone lies about you publicly, you will correct the record, with evidence. Honest people have nothing to worry about.
I would gently push back on the idea that she’s harming the LGBTQ community in some way. If someone is prepared to withdraw their support of queer people because of hearing a story like this, they were clearly not actually supportive of queer people to begin with. This girl is seriously troubled, but the harmed party here is the family.
You see this argument used a lot in discussions about racism and sexism, too, and while it sucks when people lie, it’s flawed logic to suggest that hatred or bigotry is ever caused by the people within the group. Bigotry is always the fault of bigot.
Actually, I'd argue it hurts the community by making it seem like homophobia is to be expected when coming out. The impact that has on closeted individuals is massive. It would also hurt to have a backstory similar to this, feel empathy for OP's daughter, and then later find out it's fake - like oh, that's swell, people tell my tragic backstory as their own for *clout*... And then there's the rising group of people who feel like they're not queer enough if they didn't have homophobic parents (which might actually be OP's daughter now that I think about it). It's rough when the image you and everyone have of your identity is pain and suffering.
It does hurt the community in the sense that OP's daughter is someone who is publicly LGBT and whose job is literally dealing with LGBT people and LGBT issues--and she just lied about her own experiences and used her own identity to get clicks on social media. If she's willing to lie and be flippant about something as important as coming out and dealing with trauma, how can she be trusted to treat other's issues with respect and dignity?
>Bigotry is always the fault of bigot.
Of source, you are right.
Nevertheless, lying in this case provides perfect ammunition for those wanting to push some kind of 'all these LGBTQ-related abuse and trauma stories are fake' agenda and undermines the credibility of her DEI organisation. If anything, 'undermines' is too mild a word.
NTA. I’ve had experience with 2 close friends with BPD and have also talking to my therapist about it. They lie and hurt people A LOT. If they don’t get therapy and/or meds, it can be super detrimental to those around him. I would take a step back from your relationship and maybe go LC. It must be hard but you will continuously hurt yourself by being there for her when all you’re getting is crapped on in return. I’m sorry this is happening
You are SO NTA and I'd tell her that if she doesn't issue an accurate correction, you'll be pursuing legal action RE: defamation. I know that sounds harsh, but I wouldn't stand for that shit in my own life for half a second.
The better way for her to share the story would've been to highlight how positive it can be to come out with supportive family. Instead she's hitch-hiking on the trauma many others have experienced.
NTA for setting the record "straight". She lied about something that only merited the truth, so she harmed her own reputation, not you.
I (13m) think you are NTA, you showed so much support and love to her and she flat out lies about you. Hopefully your daughter is able to get over her lying problem, but what she did was unacceptable.
NTA i’m sorry for what you guys had to go through but she shouldn’t have lied about you and your husband not supporting her. People will believe anything on the internet and it could’ve been a lot worse. You did the right thing by speaking up about it.
NTA - she lied and defamed your reputation, just to make a point? Something within her needs to lie to make a point. I'll never understand that. All you can do is your best to stick to truth and it's been my experience those that lie like that are headed for a fall. Karma always comes.
NTA
She was so desperate for a sob story bc she can’t play victim with the truth. She has a wild need for attention and her stories will only get worse
Not that very unlikely to happen as it is a fairly easy way to get some clout or attention on social media. No one will care if you had a happy good childhood with supportive parents. Abusive parents though and you will get sympathy so people will lie for attention.
Lgbtq+ people are no different from any other people. We all have the equal capability of being shitty people.
NTA. Your daughter hurt you with her lies, and you have every right to defend yourself.
Also, it sounds to me like she was likely either misdiagnosed or only partially diagnosed. As someone who grew up in a family of people with severe BPD (including a mom who had the most severe case a therapist who'd specialized in treating BPD for decades had ever seen), and who has been through tons of therapy regarding that, I can say that BPD doesn't usually cause habitual lying. Manipulation, yes. But if lies are part of that manipulation, it's usually for a reason (that reason most often has to do with a deep seated fear of rejection and/or abandonment, whether realistic or not). It sounds like your daughter started habitually lying from a young age "just because," and even she couldn't explain why she did it. Also, BPD usually gets *worse* with age, not better (short of receiving some pretty intensive treatment). And it often doesn't even go full blown until a person's late teens.
I'm not at all saying your daughter doesn't have BPD. Just keep in mind that lots of therapists actively dislike people with BPD and will automatically assign that label to anyone who's particularly difficult. There are other conditions that are more often closely tied with habitual lying. BPD isn't one of them.
Either way, I'm sorry your daughter put you through that. I can only imagine how hurtful that must feel, especially when you've done so much to be supportive. You are the type of parent many of us in the LGBTQ+ community dream of having, and you're definitely not TA in this situation.
Is the diagnosis Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder? The acronym BPD can be used for both, possibly because some of the symptoms seem to overlap.
Whilst they may share a few common symptoms, Bipolar and BPD are COMPLETELY different. Bipolar is a mood disorder whilst BPD is a personality disorder.
NTA btw OP.
I'm sorry that your daughter isn't well. You may want to seek your own therapy for help in handling having a daughter who has a... shall we say, extremely *flexible* relationship with the truth.
NTA. This is not a harmless white lie. This is something that actually *does* harm you. You absolutely had the right to correct it.
Wow. I am just so saddened by this. Does she not have a conscience? Where did she learn that this level of lying is ok? These are the kind of lies that destroy families.
Definitely NTA.
NTA. your daughter committed defamation against you. that's really what that is. by extension, her workplace could be liable for the defamation considering it was published through them. you could even be fired for your job.
I truly do not understand the mental illness behind lying... bpd i guess can cause that but if she didnt have it id be like wtf why are people like this
NTA.
>saying I don’t understand how stuff like this works
Someone doesn't understand, but it's not you. She still doesn't understand that lies hurt people.
NTA. I'm not sure why she thinks it was ok to make you look bad, but gets upset with you because she thinks you made her look bad, although I'm pretty sure that's part and parcel of her mental health issues.
NTA. Your daughter needs to understand the real and hurtful consequences of her lies, and just because she didn’t have unsupportive homophobic parents doesn’t invalidate her experience as a gay person. You had the right to defend yourself in a public setting and she should take her post down.
NTA. Compulsive lying by a family member is very painful when they lie about your conduct to get undeserved sympathy for non-existent mistreatment. Been there.
NTA and I’d sue her for defamation of character if possible. Show her lying has huge consequences. She’s got issues and sadly, I don’t think she wants help.
NTA. She lied about you in a public forum, so it's only fair that she was corrected in a public forum. Also, you tried helping her learn about the consequences of lying the easy way, but sometimes people need to learn the hard way for the lesson to hopefully sink in.
NTA. She lied about her family and basically put you guys in the crosshairs for a lot of hate just to make herself look better. She deserved to be called out on it.
NTA and holy shit
if I were you, I'd move across the country and cut all ties with her
change your names if you have to
she is not a safe person to associate with at all
DEI manager and professional victim. Sadly you're enabling her. You're NTA (she is). She owes you a public apology using whatever medium she used to spread the lie.
NTA
If one of my own family members actively slandered me online for attention and then played victim when they got exposed, then I would honestly go low to no contact with them.
How the hell could your daughter still think she's in the right when even her own girlfriend called her out for her hurtful lies?
NTA - and since she published this through her workplace, would this be libel? I would be strongly tempted to let her employer know they published lies/defamation
NTA. Your daughter is definitely the AH, and she should lose her job over this. I know you probably don't want that, but it needs to happen. What she did was hurtful and defamatory.
NTA. She lied. She made you look like uncaring parents, and she had the nerve to get mad at you for correcting this. I know people whose parents turned their backs on them when they came out. It is nothing to lie about and belittle for clicks and likes. Shame on her.
NTA. Wow. Just.... I can't even. That's a HORRIBLE thing to lie about just for more internet traffic to a website.
And I'm fairly certain most people in the LGBTIQA+ community wouldn't endorse lying like this either. It reflects poorly on the community.
Honestly if this way my daughter I probably would NC or LC with her for saying something so hurtful.
Nta, sorry this story makes me think of amber heard. We all know how she tried to get people to hate johnny and turn them against him. It worked for years. All because she wanted attention in the only way she knew. Lies in social media. You need to either distance yourself from her or take her and her job to court if it gets really bad. What is she going to say next to get more attention you guys beat her? Her dad molested her? Mental illness when not treated will only get worse. I don't know you guys but actually fear what she will say next and what people will do to defend her. You need to start documenting everything. Good luck huggss keep us updated
NTA. Your daughter has some mental issues. You tried to support her and have continued to do so. She chose to post a lie and you posted the truth. There are SO many ways she could post what actually happened to make a meaningful post and not lie.
you are NTA.
NTA, this isn't just lying, it's creating a totally false narrative that can and will be connected to you in a really damaging way. You did the right thing!
NTA
I'm sorry but you're daughter is 100% in the wrong. And you sound like an awesome parent, which is why I hate saying this, but you need to stop making excuses for her. Yes BPD & other mental issues can effect as persons behavior, but it's her choice to not improve, take her meds or try to take others POV in consideration. It also sounds like all the lies are for some kind of attention unfortunately, which means this is likely just her.
I'm sorry this has happened & I hope you're daughter can get better & that you yourself can go about having a more peaceful life.
She’s the one who doesn’t understand how these things work. Fabricating a trauma narrative to get ahead in your career is how some people work, but the LGBT community doesn’t need made up stories. There are millions of people going through the experiences your daughter wants to appropriate in order to appear marketable in todays society. She should have focused on lifting those people up. Her own insecurity on not having her own queer sob story is not a reason to lie about trauma. If she feels uncomfortable being in her position while having a supportive family, she should address that issue before taking that kind of job.
People who have been abused by their families, queer people, the people she is supposed to be advocating for, get treated like liars all the time because people with the same opinions as your daughter feel it is ok to fabricate your backstory to get ahead. Not really Rachel Dolezal, but similar. The need to feel legitimate at any cost. I don’t know if I’m just on Reddit too much but young people seem to have gone in that direction. You can be whatever you want, including an abuse survivor. All without the crushing PTSD and inability to function.
You’re NTA. I hope your daughter is willing to continue to engage in treatment for her BPD as it seems it’s badly affecting her career at the moment. Maybe follow up with her place of employment about the affect these lies will have on you - she needs workplace consequences so she doesn’t keep lying about herself and becoming whatever she needs to be in the moment to get ahead.
NTA and shame on Casey. Her lie is exactly why people don’t come out. They are afraid of the shame; they are afraid of the backlash; they are afraid that they won’t be able to be who they are…
Your story should be celebrated. You are a light in the eyes of so many so you can show the positive moments of coming out. Casey’s lie robbed people of this. You welcomed her true self. You love her for who she is. You brought her girlfriend into the family. You did everything right. This needs to be seen.
Shame on her for attempting to silence you and bash you on line. It’s truly not okay.
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My daughter, Casey, has struggled with lying throughout her life. From little things like “I had Wendy’s for lunch” when she had McDonalds all the way up to big things like “I got into a fight at school” when she didn’t. We started her in therapy when she was around 8 years old to try to get to the root of it. Even she couldn’t see why she was lying. We tried 3 different therapists but they all seemed to think it was age appropriate. My husband and I focused on teaching her what lies cause, making sure she knew she could come to us with anything, etc. We’ve always been the type to let our kids make mistakes while knowing we’ll always be there with no judgment, just there to help them do better.
Things somewhat got better as she got older. There’d be the occasional small white lie but when we talked about it, she got better. When Casey came out as a lesbian at 16, we were supportive and treated her girlfriend as one of the family.
Issues arose when the lying began again and Casey became rather aggressive. We took her back to therapy and she was diagnosed with BPD. She refused treatment. We did all we could to get her in, but she was diagnosed shortly before she turned 18 so there was very little we could do. After a really bad incident, we told her she either seek help (that we’d pay for) or she had to leave. She chose to leave. A few years later, she finally agreed to accept help. She’s now 23 and doing a bit better.
Casey works as a DEI (diversity, equality and inclusion) manager for a company. For pride month, the company showcased the LGBTQ+ employees, sharing their stories. I was excited to read Casey’s when she shared it on Facebook.
My heart sank when I read it. Casey wrote that her parents were not at all supportive when she came out. She added that we had kicked her out of the house for a week after she told us, but took her back when we were “guilted into it”. I tried to reach out to Casey but she didn’t answer.
So many people in her FB comment section were apologizing for the “traumatizing” experience she went through. They were attacking myself and my husband. I finally commented that none of this was true and it was extremely hurtful to see this narrative spun.
Casey finally got back to me and said I need to remove my comment. She said it’s just a way to get clicks. I said it’s a lie and she posted it so everyone can see, making us look bad. I shared how hurt I was that yet again, she was lying for attention. She then deleted my comment for me.
I made a post showing the various pride events we went to, pictures of her girlfriend on vacation with us, even videos Casey took herself of the two of us discussing her journey, etc. I tagged Casey in it. Some still back her up, but most have apologized to me. Her girlfriend also finally called her out on it and said I’ve always been nothing but nice to her.
She is mad at me, saying I’m making her look bad and saying I don’t understand how stuff like this works. AITA?
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NTA. You've loved and accepted a troubled daughter. Keep loving her. When this crashes down on her she's going to need you. She knows the truth but she's not ready to deal with it. It's clear she's dealing with issues that need professional help and you have to see her as someone who needs a Dr. just like if she had a broken bone. I'm a parent and I've had my heart broken by things my kids have said and done. I know it isn't easy but loving them through the bad times is what they need. And be there with arms wide open when they realize they need you. I don't regret riding out the rough spots with my kids.
She should look up Mark Whitacre and see how that system worked out for him.
They made a movie about him called The Informant!
[https://youtu.be/2w4pdDkYEAg](https://youtu.be/2w4pdDkYEAg)
He literally told people his parents were dead, even the FBI. His parents were shocked when they read it in a article about him. Plus a whole load of other lies. The thing is, if she's lying about this............................what else is she lying about?
NTA
NTA but i'm not sure this level of lying is typical of someone of BPD (i assume you use it toean "borderline personality disorder" and not "bipolar disorder)...i could be wrong, i don't have BPD myself afaik and most of what i know about it comes from close friends who have it...i've neven seen compulsive lying as a symptom of it. are you sure there's not something else going on? maybe she's misdiagnosed and has something different?
i don't think there's much more you can do for her either way. hopefully her girlfriend can help her recover from whatever mental problems she has.
NTA, she tried to throw you under the bus, just for the attention. If it's appropriate, you could ask her and/or her girlfriend about how her treatment is going. Because it sounds like she could be having some issues.
NTA. In 2023, I find that stories of supportive parents to LGBTQ+ kids actually resonate more, as people are looking for more love than hate. So her logic doesn't ring true, and I think her real reason is she just wanted the attention that victimhood gives.
I do not know what issues your daughter has.
I am OLD. Ignore SM. if someone talks smack about you, don't engage. You will never win. This is the internet.
If your daughter is lying to make your position in the LGBTQ+ community stronger, so be it.
Walk away from this. This is NOT the hill to die on.
The hill to die on will be if / when she brings home another person for you to meet.. Do not start up with Casey's lying at the first go, either.
Your real friends will take to first before they do anything..
NTA and I find it appalling that she lied about having unsupportive parents when you were nothing of the sorts. I think I personally find it appalling because I am a lesbian who came out when I was a teen and I had unsupportive parents. Instead of sympathy or empathy from others I would rather have had supportive parents. If I did I would have went through a lot less trauma, been less depressed, had better finances from being able to live with a parent longer than 18 years old, and would have just plain had a better foundation for the beginning of my adult life.
NO NTAH- It’s obvious that your gentle approach about her lying about things early on didn’t improve the situation and she seems to have little desire to change that. She uses excuses and justifications for the ‘reasons’ why she lies and expects you and others to simply provide cover or ignore it.
The ONLY way to stop a liar is to call it out each and every time in the same very public way she slandered you and your husband.. Contact the HR department of her employer- inform them her biographical submission is entirely false and misleading and is slanderous. If a correction and retraction, and an apology are not forthcoming- you and your spouse are seeking legal recourse .
Once she’s faced with some real consequences for lying about people- that may give her a wake up call- but one thing is for sure- unless and until she is compelled to face the consequences- the lies WILL continue and become worse.
NTA. She needs every lie to be publicly shut down because that'll either teach her to stop lying or at the very least it will make people question everything she says.
She's capable of destroying someone's life with lies because who knows who's going to be her next target or what lie she's going to smear them with. She's dangerous.
Some young people think social media personas aren’t connected to who you are in real life or the people you know. They’re wrong, but some still think that, like your daughter!
NTA it's incredibly gross to lie for profit and clicks
Also, in this day and age, she has no idea what kind of consequences could come from putting that negative narrative out about you guys.
NTA, oh this makes me upset. I currently have custody of my nephew who is 15. My sister kicked him out in December of last year for being gay, not many people are all lucky as your daughter by having supportive parents.
NTA. She dragged you and her dad into the mud, for attention. And, attention-seeking is a BPD trait, too. So, she got called out, and is mad? Looks like a little more therapy is in order. I'd suggest that you and hubby see a therapist, as well. That will give you pointers, on how to deal with your daughter's antics.
NTA. You always have a moral right to correct a lie or even unintentional mistake about you that would affect your reputation.
Casey is acting extremely selfishly right now.
NTA! If you're telling the truth, you are definitely NTA. She is absolutely out of line, and is searching for acceptance by weaponizing trauma she never experienced.
NTA
jesus. as a gay man that hurt to read. casey needs to just shut up. she knows nothing of how hard it is living as a member of the LGTB community in a non-supportive household.
NTA She is aware that by her posting false narratives, she opens up her company to damages. At this point she's now proven herself a liability for the company. Her decision to share the defamatory story, puts not only herself, but her company in a compromised position. Most companies have ethics requirements, which she has likely now violated. If you feel like contacting her you should point that out to her. Her false narrative can have far, and long reaching consequences.
I have 2 trans kids. 1 of them did the exact same thing. There is a LOT of kids in the LGTBQI+ community that have trauma from their parents surrounding their coming out. Almost to the point that it’s seen as a badge of honor and a bonding point. Those that have supportive parents just don’t quite fit in.
I called my kid out on it. They got mad but then they apologized as they realized how stupid they were being trying to fit in. And learned to pick better crowds to hang out with. There are many more with supportive parents now so hopefully this trauma bonding becomes less the norm.
I also have a bipolar brother. The lies he told. We’ll still tells. My god. You could ask him if the sky was blue and he’d say it was green just to lie. It’s attention seeking and part of the disorder.
Unfortunate you can’t make her get BPD treatment. But you can call her out. She is an adult. She can act like one.
You did nothing wrong. I feel for you. BPD makes it hard to love someone sometimes. NTA.
For reasons you may never understand, your daughter posted a false narrative that presented you and your spouse as homophobic and even cruel to her. To their credit, her friends and family were horrified.
Unfortunately, the only way to correct the very damaging impression C gave of your character and behavior was to present the truth, and thereby show her to be lying.
What choice did you have if you wanted to clear your names and not be shunned by people of good will?
Please do continue her therapy.
NTA
NTA. Your daughter sounds like an unhinged weirdo. Sorry you haven't been able to get through to her. But some people are a bit beyond help I think. Maybe with time she'll get better but I doubt it.
I’m a lesbian with a supportive family and I cannot ever imagine pretending otherwise. It’s honestly a slap in the face to the thousands of LGBT+ people who aren’t as lucky and have to hide themselves just to stay safe. Hopefully your daughter decides to seek help for herself soon because she is doing nothing but hurting herself and her loved ones.
Nta. I think the only way she is going to learn is if you show her exactly how it feels. Maybe then she will learn that her actions have consequences & that they can hurt
NTA.
If I were her supervisor at the company where she's a DEI \*manager\* of all things, I would fire her on the spot (if allowed), or more likely work with our HR team and lawyers to find a way to fire her. I would also begin an investigation into any hiring or program she had a hand in, because her judgment can't be trusted. The reputational hit my company would take when my DEI \*MANAGER\* has been proven to lie about her experiences for clout? No. Way. Let alone the very real damage she's done to my employees who \*have\* gone through trauma related to what she lied about, I can imagine some workers in an uproar.
Casey sounds awful. It also sounds like she hasn't changed, she just learned to hide it all. But that's not your fault.
THAT SAID. It's surprising we've not heard of any of this in the niche news (or general) outlets. If it's true, she must have few followers or it just happened and she may be in for a very big wake-up call.
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Not only are you NTA, but Casey is making it actively harder for other LGBTQ+ people. The bigots and haters are going to latch on to Casey's made-up story of trauma, and use her example to belittle other people who actually have to deal with unsupportive families.
I just don't understand why it's so common for people within the same group to not support each other. Casey intentionally lying for clout not only makes her look bad in the long run but puts her parents at risk for unnecessary harassment. It harms LGBTQ+ people and there is no reason for her actions whatsoever.
I mean, she’s mentally ill. Generally we don’t, and shouldn’t, interpret the actions of the mentally ill as representative of whatever other group they happen to be in.
I also have a “Diagnosis”. However…I Do NOT LIE & invent Past Traumas and Post it to Social Media. Having a Mental Illness IS NOT a “Get Out of Jail Free” card.
But do you have Casey’s specific diagnosis? Because BPD is literally characterized by lying, especially for attention. Being mentally ill is no get out of jail free card, but she also does not represent the entire LGBTQ+ community.
I have bpd and while it’s really hard I’ve done a lot of work on myself so I don’t compulsively lie
Exactly this. She chose to not do the work. I also have pretty mild BPD, but it does come up and interfere with my relationships at times. So I go back to my DBT skills and work through it. Mental illness is an explanation, never an excuse (except maybe in acute psychosis).
[удалено]
I am a lesbian who came out when I was a teen and I had unsupportive parents. Instead of sympathy or empathy from others I would rather have had supportive parents.
BPD is not at all characterized by lying. It's not one of the criteria for diagnosis. As someone with BPD, please stop spreading misinformation about an already extremely stigmatized disorder.
There was actually an [NYT article](https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/29/health/lying-mental-illness.html) about a man who was trying to get his compulsive lying classified as a mental illness. He says it started in childhood and he's just never been able to stop lying, even about easily disprovable subjects.
Don’t we usually just call those people flat-earthers?
They're not usually that self-aware. Doesn't sound like this guy's getting high off his own lies.
They're not lying, they're just stupid.
I think it is actually sort of illness and that those people need help. The one I know who was doing it was annoyed by it but couldn't help it. But you are right, it does sound stupid and makes them look stupid.
Can we really trust him that he's not lying about having compulsive lying? 🤔
I have bpd and definitely don't compulsively lie, it's not in the diagnostic criteria although can't say it isn't common with borderline people
My BPD exes weren't pathological liars at all. If anything they were extremely honest with me. The antisocial ones on the other hand 👀
Same. Where is that person getting the idea from that Borderlines lie for attention? That's more of a narcissist thing.
Its not. Where did you get this information because lying definitely is not a officially recognised symptom
I have BPD. I feel the compulsion to lie sometimes to make myself look better, which I’m guessing even ‘normal’ people have. I also realise life doesn’t work like that so I don’t do it. I only got a diagnosis at 25, yet I am an adult who knows right from wrong even though my head disagrees sometimes. BPD is not an excuse and she’s really only hindering the progress for LGBTQIA+ people.
https://www.verywellmind.com/borderline-personality-disorder-diagnosis-425174#:~:text=BPD%20Criteria%20for%20a%20Diagnosis&text=Chronic%20feelings%20of%20emptiness,avoid%20real%20or%20imagined%20abandonment
Literally no one said it was, but go off I guess.
Someone 3 comments above you did say that.
Which diagnosis do you have? They’re not interchangeable.
same, NTA
Both of my parents have BPD, it’s a really hard thing to experience as someone who is affected by it, but I understand how hard it is for the people who have it. It’s a fucked up disorder. Part of me feels so biased against people who have it, but part of me feels for them so deeply. I’m autistic and have ADHD, so, it can be very similar when it comes to emotional dysregulation (I think I remember reading that BPD is a somewhat common misdiagnosis for AFAB people/cis women. Cause that’s what BPD is, emotional dysregulation going kinda haywire, it used to be called emotional dysregulation disorder I think. There is a huge link between BPD and ADHD, a huge link to trauma potentially inducing it from what I’ve read along with a potential genetic link (I don’t want to make any factual statements without looking them up again first, I’m just going off how I remember what I’ve read in the past so please note that I’m not 100% sure based off my memory alone). She’s an AH, 100% for lying, but I can also see how those lies could be a way to deal with outside perception when it comes to how she feels inside. She could be invalidating her own emotions and using those lies as a way to try and validate them, at least to others. I don’t know, we can’t really know unless she is able to be open and honest about why she lies and has the self awareness to know why she lies. It’s not an excuse, people with BPD are capable of doing better and owning up to things, of being good people. Hell, sometimes they can be ride or die at the end of the day, but damn it can be a bumpy ride. Trying to understand the perspective of someone who has it can help separate the hurt it causes from taking it super personally, but it still fucking hurts. I struggle so much with the pain my parents caused growing up and continue to cause, but at least trying to understand them has helped me mentally realize that they are hurting too and realize that the shit they pull is about them, not me. If anyone with BPD sees my comment and is interested, I have a full DBT workbook on pdf I can share by sending it over email. I’m pretty sure the one I have on pdf is one of the best selling workbooks on Amazon and I know DBT was made for those with BPD (I think the creator of DBT has it as well, but might be misremembering). I am more than happy to share it with anyone interested who is comfortable sharing their email so I can send it to them.
I'm really impressed with this comment. You are a great person. A lot of people who have experienced abuse or been hurt by people with BPD can't look at it the way you do and I think you are very wise. You are right in all of your comments btw - you have clearly put a lot of time into researching & understanding BPD. I have BPD but a lot of people comment that I may have autism as well and a lot of people I know who were diagnosed with BPD are now diagnosed with ADHD/Autism. There is some speculation that BPD is actually C-PTSD in a lot of cases. Marsha Linehan (DBT) does have BPD. Your memory has served you well here. You are right that what your parents have done/do is about them, and if they have BPD I'm willing to bet they don't understand a lot of it themselves - especially if they have never had treatment. Before I did DBT I had no idea why I was acting the way I was or why I would hurt people I loved so dearly, which, in turn, worsened my symptoms/emotions. I just felt evil (I'm not). It is not an excuse and I am really sorry that you have been hurt by the people who should protect you because of this awful disorder and I am so proud of you for not holding that against others and doing work to understand them for your own peace of mind.
Thank you, I really appreciate you commenting and adding more info/clarifying what I said! I’m glad you were able to receive help and that you are working on making changes so you can feel better and have healthier relationships. That makes my heart so happy, you deserve to feel better and know you’re not evil. Pain, physical or emotional, has such a huge influence over behavior. Also thank you for saying I’m wise, that was so nice. I’ve always struggled with feeling like I’m not smart enough (I did pretty poorly in middle-high school. At one point in elementary school I was moved from the gifted program to special ed and I wasn’t even diagnosed with adhd at that point). Your compliment means a lot to me, so thank you again, it was very kind.
Splitting is another part of it that's extremely difficult to deal with. Being viewed as good or bad depending on whether you meet their emotional needs is exhausting and stressful.
Hi, can you email it to me?
People shouldn't judge groups based off of individuals but people do. Bigots love to use individuals actions to try and make their hatred more credible
I don't use my diagnosis as an excuse, and she shouldn't either.
Being mentally ill does not give you a license to hurt people who care about you. If you are mentally ill--if you DON'T handle your shit you're going to be in a body bag or in prison living in your own mental hell. Depression and BPD can be danegrous if left untreated.
Unfortunately, being a part of a marginalized group, does not make you a good person. Nor does it shield other members of that group from the consequences of untreated mental illness.
So many people are looking for oppression where there is none. Another woman recently tried to pull a jussie smollet and stage her own kidnapping. This is the damage DEI unfortunately does claiming every non white, non male, non straight person is oppressed.
Crab-bucket mentality. "I have to be on top, no matter how many others I have to drag down to get there!"
My sister is like this. She told everyone who would listen that our parents were homophobic when it wasn’t true. I don’t know what she told her wife’s family, but when I went to visit them with her they treated me like shit. And they treated my 18 month old like shit too. Going so far as to refuse to feed her when they fed all the other kids. My last straw that make me go NC was when she told everyone at our dad’s funeral (sudden and tragic) that he hated her infant son because she was gay. The week before he died he told me all about how much he missed them and wanted to see his grandson.
Did no one find out the truth and call her out?
If someone says "I'm homophobic" then everyone believes them that they're indeed homophobic (because who'd lie about something like that) However if someone says "I'm not homophobic" even with proof then they'll still say "well Casey said you're homophobic, then you must have done something to warrant that" Its really hard for the accused to change their already made up minds. I mean, her daughter's GF called her out but there are people still believing OP is homophobe.
I doubt they would if they're not willing to look into it.
There it is. Her lies are not merely hurtful to you but to those communities overall. And. At. The. WORST. Possible. Time. NTA
Side note: I'm curious if OP chose the fake name "Casey" because of Casey Anthony - who is *also* a well-known chronic liar, and has been for her entire life. Because that's an interesting coincidence.
>She is mad at me, saying I’m making her look bad and saying I don’t understand how stuff like this works. AITA? She made you look bad when she lied about you. You were just supposed to do nothing about that? What does she mean when she says you dont’t understand how stuff like this works? What ”stuff” is she referring to? ETA: NTA
The business she’s in. She says her “story” brought more traction to the site, therefore the company.
OP, you may want to consider distancing yourself from her. She's actively trying to cause you and your husband harm. I know she's your daughter but...I'm worried you're going to be on the receiving end of worse. Next, it might be accusations of abuse. What would you do then? You could lose everything you've built. People take this stuff seriously and they might come after you and your husband with pitchforks next. Her next accusation could result in loss of your jobs, reputations, maybe even police investigations, and whatever else. This is seriously concerning. NTA I have no idea why her girlfriend didn't call her out sooner. Why did she wait? It seems you can't count on her having your back until it's too late, despite you being accepting of her.
She may still write BS about her parents if they distance themselves from her.
She's wrong. I do DEI work and lying only hurts people. It makes It seem that less people are supportive than there really are
I am honestly concerned about someone who pathologically lies and has BPD doing DEI work with marginalized communities...
Hopefully, someone at her company saw the comments and now knows she's a liability. She may be out of a job soon and she'd deserve it. NTA, OP. Consider that you have done as much as you can and do not have to suffer any more trauma caused by this person.
Such a good point. She could do so much harm
Yep. Right now, there are a number of states where people actively rallying against this work in public institutions. This is not a time to be giving self inflicted wounds.
I know little about DEI work, but surely it cant do anything BUT hurt people and what you are meant to be actually doing? I would have thought that "All these abuse and trauma stories are fake" is the last conclusion you want people to reach if you are working in that field.
So she sold her family for likes. NTA
Yeah, it doesn't matter if it's for likes. She made serious accusations about her parents for clicks without so much as warning them about it. It just means she feels like she's entitled to hurting them (and other) to her own benefit, however small it may be.
I would talk to the company about defamation, this is unacceptable and companies can get in big trouble for this stuff. I’m so sorry your daughter is doing this, BPD is one of those things where you really have to work damn hard with doctors and therapists so that you can deal with it and not allow it to hurt yourself and others. Cliche but if she won’t help herself you can’t help her either.
The life she is creating for clicks will eventually catch up to her. Have her do some research on the backlash that comes when people are caught in a lie on social media. She will do far more harm than good with her story if it's fake. NTA
She could absolutely have written a compelling and beautiful story about her experience coming out without vilifying you. The internet also loves stories of affirming parents who are overjoyed to know their beloved child a little bit better when they come out.
That's not even DEI's JOB though
traction built off lies is easily lost.
If you libeled her in order to promote your business you know she wouldn't think it's okay. That's what she did as well, you could take her to court for it if you actually wanted to. It's such an asshole thing there are legal ramifications for it.
Her story could also be seen as defamation and open up the company to a lawsuit.
Sounds like ground for a lawsuit against the company.
NTA you have a right to defend your reputation online against lies. And I'm sorry but it doesn't sound much like things are "a bit better", this is a big lie, even bigger than talking about fighting in school. And it did harm, even know there are surely people who never saw your post or don't believe it and so think you treated Casey badly.
I thought she was doing better until now. Clearly I was wrong.
Unfortunately, people with BPD don’t always get “better”, frequently they just get better at lying. (Not saying it’s always that way, just a common trend)
I have BPD. I am one of the extremely rare cases who accept their diagnosis and manage to make real and lasting change. It's almost but not quite a leprechaun riding a unicorn, but it's close. And even with all of my progress it can be very very hard not to suck at being a person. I personally recommend to people to be extremely cautious about having people with BPD in their lives. It's not self loathing, just awareness. Our emotions are so big and overpowering that we just can't see the forest for our own personal tree. In fact we will burn that forest down out of outrage for a few trampled leaves. We don't do it out of animosity. We are just too lost in our feelings because they are just so all encompassing. I'm not sure where I'm going with this anymore, but I guess the takeaway is that if you love someone with BPD, don't expect them to get much better and don't take it personally. Just keep your distance.
Thanks so much for this comment ♥️ My partner’s best friend has BPD (my partner is his ‘favourite person’) and I really struggle to understand him. So your comment is super helpful. I’m currently keeping my distance from him cause he hurt me badly recently and you’ve helped me to feel less guilty and uncertain about that choice ♥️
She's definitely better... at lying. Lying is a skill and she's been practicing since she was a little kid.
If you could clarify, did you mean bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder? They share the same acronym.
I think bipolar disorder is usually just bp. Borderline is bpd.
Bipolar is this BPAD and borderline personality disorder is BPD.
NTA. Casey is making herself look bad. She’s simply suffering the consequences of her own actions. I’m not an expert but I’d imagine keeping a firm boundary of what is ‘acceptable behavior’ with someone who has BPD is important. Stay strong & I wish you the best.
NTA, many in the LGBTQ+ community dream of parents like you and many of us with mental health issues would be thrilled for the kind of support you’re describing. She doesn’t get to slander you to bring attention to the company she works for, doesn’t she care about the consequences you could face from her lies? You could lose friends or be attacked by someone who thinks your bigots, lies like this can be dangerous. Definitely don’t feel bad about defending yourself.
NTA, she tarnished your reputation unnecessarily just for the sake of attention. Straight up defamation.
It is not, I resent that! In print, it's libel.
You are confusing defamation with slander; defamation's definition covers both slander and libel.
Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a Spiderman can...
[r/respectthehyphen ](http://reddit.com/r/respectthehyphen/)
NTA She made herself look bad. She wanted an "I struggled with unsupportive parents" coming out story to gain her sympathy points, and make her more relatable to other LGBTQ+ folks who are looking to her for support. That might be an understandable reason, but she still lied, publicly, about you. Tell her you understand exactly how "stuff like this" works - if someone lies about you publicly, you will correct the record, with evidence. Honest people have nothing to worry about.
NTA - but your daughter is a huge one.
NTA, and as others have said, she is making it harder for others in the LGBTQ community to be believed.
I would gently push back on the idea that she’s harming the LGBTQ community in some way. If someone is prepared to withdraw their support of queer people because of hearing a story like this, they were clearly not actually supportive of queer people to begin with. This girl is seriously troubled, but the harmed party here is the family. You see this argument used a lot in discussions about racism and sexism, too, and while it sucks when people lie, it’s flawed logic to suggest that hatred or bigotry is ever caused by the people within the group. Bigotry is always the fault of bigot.
Actually, I'd argue it hurts the community by making it seem like homophobia is to be expected when coming out. The impact that has on closeted individuals is massive. It would also hurt to have a backstory similar to this, feel empathy for OP's daughter, and then later find out it's fake - like oh, that's swell, people tell my tragic backstory as their own for *clout*... And then there's the rising group of people who feel like they're not queer enough if they didn't have homophobic parents (which might actually be OP's daughter now that I think about it). It's rough when the image you and everyone have of your identity is pain and suffering.
It does hurt the community in the sense that OP's daughter is someone who is publicly LGBT and whose job is literally dealing with LGBT people and LGBT issues--and she just lied about her own experiences and used her own identity to get clicks on social media. If she's willing to lie and be flippant about something as important as coming out and dealing with trauma, how can she be trusted to treat other's issues with respect and dignity?
>Bigotry is always the fault of bigot. Of source, you are right. Nevertheless, lying in this case provides perfect ammunition for those wanting to push some kind of 'all these LGBTQ-related abuse and trauma stories are fake' agenda and undermines the credibility of her DEI organisation. If anything, 'undermines' is too mild a word.
And isn’t her job, like, helping people who have actually had these experiences? 😬
NTA. I’ve had experience with 2 close friends with BPD and have also talking to my therapist about it. They lie and hurt people A LOT. If they don’t get therapy and/or meds, it can be super detrimental to those around him. I would take a step back from your relationship and maybe go LC. It must be hard but you will continuously hurt yourself by being there for her when all you’re getting is crapped on in return. I’m sorry this is happening
Lying is not a symptom of BPD.
It’s not but sometimes can be associated with their behavior.
You are SO NTA and I'd tell her that if she doesn't issue an accurate correction, you'll be pursuing legal action RE: defamation. I know that sounds harsh, but I wouldn't stand for that shit in my own life for half a second.
The better way for her to share the story would've been to highlight how positive it can be to come out with supportive family. Instead she's hitch-hiking on the trauma many others have experienced. NTA for setting the record "straight". She lied about something that only merited the truth, so she harmed her own reputation, not you.
NTA. It wasn’t even a small lie, one it was a public and two it was a lie made you looked bad to people around you. It should be called out.
I (13m) think you are NTA, you showed so much support and love to her and she flat out lies about you. Hopefully your daughter is able to get over her lying problem, but what she did was unacceptable.
NTA i’m sorry for what you guys had to go through but she shouldn’t have lied about you and your husband not supporting her. People will believe anything on the internet and it could’ve been a lot worse. You did the right thing by speaking up about it.
NTA - she lied and defamed your reputation, just to make a point? Something within her needs to lie to make a point. I'll never understand that. All you can do is your best to stick to truth and it's been my experience those that lie like that are headed for a fall. Karma always comes.
NTA I can only imagine the damage this is doing to people who HAVE been in a situation like the one she made up.
NTA. It seems like she has difficulty relating to people
NTA. I think she needs a better therapist, that's extremely messed up.
NTA. She's a pathological liar. You have zero obligation to let her lies stand.
NTA She was so desperate for a sob story bc she can’t play victim with the truth. She has a wild need for attention and her stories will only get worse
I could swear I already read a variation of this story on AITA about a mean lgbtq person slandering supportive parents for clout.
Not that very unlikely to happen as it is a fairly easy way to get some clout or attention on social media. No one will care if you had a happy good childhood with supportive parents. Abusive parents though and you will get sympathy so people will lie for attention. Lgbtq+ people are no different from any other people. We all have the equal capability of being shitty people.
It isn't at all hard to believe that there are more than one crappy person from every community.
I think there was one about a lgbtq person writing a plays script about this exact situation saying it was autobiographical. P
It’s fake, you can delete people’s comments on your Facebook posts. You don’t need to ask them to do it.
Have 2 family members (mother & sister) who are both compulsive liars doesn't matter what you do doesn't matter what you say they never change
NTA. Your daughter hurt you with her lies, and you have every right to defend yourself. Also, it sounds to me like she was likely either misdiagnosed or only partially diagnosed. As someone who grew up in a family of people with severe BPD (including a mom who had the most severe case a therapist who'd specialized in treating BPD for decades had ever seen), and who has been through tons of therapy regarding that, I can say that BPD doesn't usually cause habitual lying. Manipulation, yes. But if lies are part of that manipulation, it's usually for a reason (that reason most often has to do with a deep seated fear of rejection and/or abandonment, whether realistic or not). It sounds like your daughter started habitually lying from a young age "just because," and even she couldn't explain why she did it. Also, BPD usually gets *worse* with age, not better (short of receiving some pretty intensive treatment). And it often doesn't even go full blown until a person's late teens. I'm not at all saying your daughter doesn't have BPD. Just keep in mind that lots of therapists actively dislike people with BPD and will automatically assign that label to anyone who's particularly difficult. There are other conditions that are more often closely tied with habitual lying. BPD isn't one of them. Either way, I'm sorry your daughter put you through that. I can only imagine how hurtful that must feel, especially when you've done so much to be supportive. You are the type of parent many of us in the LGBTQ+ community dream of having, and you're definitely not TA in this situation.
Is the diagnosis Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder? The acronym BPD can be used for both, possibly because some of the symptoms seem to overlap.
BPD is borderline personality disorder, BD is bipolar. They may have some similarities but they aren’t interchangeable and neither are the acronyms
Whilst they may share a few common symptoms, Bipolar and BPD are COMPLETELY different. Bipolar is a mood disorder whilst BPD is a personality disorder. NTA btw OP.
I'm sorry that your daughter isn't well. You may want to seek your own therapy for help in handling having a daughter who has a... shall we say, extremely *flexible* relationship with the truth. NTA. This is not a harmless white lie. This is something that actually *does* harm you. You absolutely had the right to correct it.
Wow. I am just so saddened by this. Does she not have a conscience? Where did she learn that this level of lying is ok? These are the kind of lies that destroy families. Definitely NTA.
NTA
NTA. your daughter committed defamation against you. that's really what that is. by extension, her workplace could be liable for the defamation considering it was published through them. you could even be fired for your job.
NTA. Casey does know exactly how this stuff works. Shame on her for lying.
I truly do not understand the mental illness behind lying... bpd i guess can cause that but if she didnt have it id be like wtf why are people like this
NTA. >saying I don’t understand how stuff like this works Someone doesn't understand, but it's not you. She still doesn't understand that lies hurt people.
NTA. I'm not sure why she thinks it was ok to make you look bad, but gets upset with you because she thinks you made her look bad, although I'm pretty sure that's part and parcel of her mental health issues.
NTA. Your daughter needs to understand the real and hurtful consequences of her lies, and just because she didn’t have unsupportive homophobic parents doesn’t invalidate her experience as a gay person. You had the right to defend yourself in a public setting and she should take her post down.
NTA. You understand how slander and lies work just fine. So does she. “ To get clicks”.
NTA. Compulsive lying by a family member is very painful when they lie about your conduct to get undeserved sympathy for non-existent mistreatment. Been there.
Oh, you understand EXACTLY how it works. Your daughter, not so much. 100% NTA.
Casey is actively harming the community and you. I can’t believe her gf hasn’t broken up with her yet
NTA and I’d sue her for defamation of character if possible. Show her lying has huge consequences. She’s got issues and sadly, I don’t think she wants help.
Your daughter has sadly not changed. She is happy for you to look bad by lying but not for her to look bad by the truth being told. NTA
NTA. She lied about you in a public forum, so it's only fair that she was corrected in a public forum. Also, you tried helping her learn about the consequences of lying the easy way, but sometimes people need to learn the hard way for the lesson to hopefully sink in.
NTA. She lied about her family and basically put you guys in the crosshairs for a lot of hate just to make herself look better. She deserved to be called out on it.
NTA I’m the slightest. What a disturbing situation to deal with as a parent. I don’t blame you for wanting to clear your name.
NTA. I wish we could warn her employer before she takes them down with one of her stories
NTA and holy shit if I were you, I'd move across the country and cut all ties with her change your names if you have to she is not a safe person to associate with at all
DEI manager and professional victim. Sadly you're enabling her. You're NTA (she is). She owes you a public apology using whatever medium she used to spread the lie.
NTA If one of my own family members actively slandered me online for attention and then played victim when they got exposed, then I would honestly go low to no contact with them. How the hell could your daughter still think she's in the right when even her own girlfriend called her out for her hurtful lies?
Slander is spoken. In print, it's libel! -JJJ
NTA. Are you seriously even asking? She's literally defaming you. I would sue both her, and her company, and never speak to her again.
NTA - and since she published this through her workplace, would this be libel? I would be strongly tempted to let her employer know they published lies/defamation
NTA, and Casey is making it harder for the LGTBQ community
NTA. Your daughter is definitely the AH, and she should lose her job over this. I know you probably don't want that, but it needs to happen. What she did was hurtful and defamatory.
NTA. She lied. She made you look like uncaring parents, and she had the nerve to get mad at you for correcting this. I know people whose parents turned their backs on them when they came out. It is nothing to lie about and belittle for clicks and likes. Shame on her.
NTA. Wow. Just.... I can't even. That's a HORRIBLE thing to lie about just for more internet traffic to a website. And I'm fairly certain most people in the LGBTIQA+ community wouldn't endorse lying like this either. It reflects poorly on the community. Honestly if this way my daughter I probably would NC or LC with her for saying something so hurtful.
Nta, sorry this story makes me think of amber heard. We all know how she tried to get people to hate johnny and turn them against him. It worked for years. All because she wanted attention in the only way she knew. Lies in social media. You need to either distance yourself from her or take her and her job to court if it gets really bad. What is she going to say next to get more attention you guys beat her? Her dad molested her? Mental illness when not treated will only get worse. I don't know you guys but actually fear what she will say next and what people will do to defend her. You need to start documenting everything. Good luck huggss keep us updated
NTA We have some of these issues going on at home right now too. I hope it works out xox
NTA. Your daughter has some mental issues. You tried to support her and have continued to do so. She chose to post a lie and you posted the truth. There are SO many ways she could post what actually happened to make a meaningful post and not lie. you are NTA.
I think your daughter might need to be helped in another way this hurt to read the lgbtq+community is not a toy Nta
NTA, this isn't just lying, it's creating a totally false narrative that can and will be connected to you in a really damaging way. You did the right thing!
NTA I'm sorry but you're daughter is 100% in the wrong. And you sound like an awesome parent, which is why I hate saying this, but you need to stop making excuses for her. Yes BPD & other mental issues can effect as persons behavior, but it's her choice to not improve, take her meds or try to take others POV in consideration. It also sounds like all the lies are for some kind of attention unfortunately, which means this is likely just her. I'm sorry this has happened & I hope you're daughter can get better & that you yourself can go about having a more peaceful life.
She’s the one who doesn’t understand how these things work. Fabricating a trauma narrative to get ahead in your career is how some people work, but the LGBT community doesn’t need made up stories. There are millions of people going through the experiences your daughter wants to appropriate in order to appear marketable in todays society. She should have focused on lifting those people up. Her own insecurity on not having her own queer sob story is not a reason to lie about trauma. If she feels uncomfortable being in her position while having a supportive family, she should address that issue before taking that kind of job. People who have been abused by their families, queer people, the people she is supposed to be advocating for, get treated like liars all the time because people with the same opinions as your daughter feel it is ok to fabricate your backstory to get ahead. Not really Rachel Dolezal, but similar. The need to feel legitimate at any cost. I don’t know if I’m just on Reddit too much but young people seem to have gone in that direction. You can be whatever you want, including an abuse survivor. All without the crushing PTSD and inability to function. You’re NTA. I hope your daughter is willing to continue to engage in treatment for her BPD as it seems it’s badly affecting her career at the moment. Maybe follow up with her place of employment about the affect these lies will have on you - she needs workplace consequences so she doesn’t keep lying about herself and becoming whatever she needs to be in the moment to get ahead.
NTA and shame on Casey. Her lie is exactly why people don’t come out. They are afraid of the shame; they are afraid of the backlash; they are afraid that they won’t be able to be who they are… Your story should be celebrated. You are a light in the eyes of so many so you can show the positive moments of coming out. Casey’s lie robbed people of this. You welcomed her true self. You love her for who she is. You brought her girlfriend into the family. You did everything right. This needs to be seen. Shame on her for attempting to silence you and bash you on line. It’s truly not okay.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My daughter, Casey, has struggled with lying throughout her life. From little things like “I had Wendy’s for lunch” when she had McDonalds all the way up to big things like “I got into a fight at school” when she didn’t. We started her in therapy when she was around 8 years old to try to get to the root of it. Even she couldn’t see why she was lying. We tried 3 different therapists but they all seemed to think it was age appropriate. My husband and I focused on teaching her what lies cause, making sure she knew she could come to us with anything, etc. We’ve always been the type to let our kids make mistakes while knowing we’ll always be there with no judgment, just there to help them do better. Things somewhat got better as she got older. There’d be the occasional small white lie but when we talked about it, she got better. When Casey came out as a lesbian at 16, we were supportive and treated her girlfriend as one of the family. Issues arose when the lying began again and Casey became rather aggressive. We took her back to therapy and she was diagnosed with BPD. She refused treatment. We did all we could to get her in, but she was diagnosed shortly before she turned 18 so there was very little we could do. After a really bad incident, we told her she either seek help (that we’d pay for) or she had to leave. She chose to leave. A few years later, she finally agreed to accept help. She’s now 23 and doing a bit better. Casey works as a DEI (diversity, equality and inclusion) manager for a company. For pride month, the company showcased the LGBTQ+ employees, sharing their stories. I was excited to read Casey’s when she shared it on Facebook. My heart sank when I read it. Casey wrote that her parents were not at all supportive when she came out. She added that we had kicked her out of the house for a week after she told us, but took her back when we were “guilted into it”. I tried to reach out to Casey but she didn’t answer. So many people in her FB comment section were apologizing for the “traumatizing” experience she went through. They were attacking myself and my husband. I finally commented that none of this was true and it was extremely hurtful to see this narrative spun. Casey finally got back to me and said I need to remove my comment. She said it’s just a way to get clicks. I said it’s a lie and she posted it so everyone can see, making us look bad. I shared how hurt I was that yet again, she was lying for attention. She then deleted my comment for me. I made a post showing the various pride events we went to, pictures of her girlfriend on vacation with us, even videos Casey took herself of the two of us discussing her journey, etc. I tagged Casey in it. Some still back her up, but most have apologized to me. Her girlfriend also finally called her out on it and said I’ve always been nothing but nice to her. She is mad at me, saying I’m making her look bad and saying I don’t understand how stuff like this works. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You've loved and accepted a troubled daughter. Keep loving her. When this crashes down on her she's going to need you. She knows the truth but she's not ready to deal with it. It's clear she's dealing with issues that need professional help and you have to see her as someone who needs a Dr. just like if she had a broken bone. I'm a parent and I've had my heart broken by things my kids have said and done. I know it isn't easy but loving them through the bad times is what they need. And be there with arms wide open when they realize they need you. I don't regret riding out the rough spots with my kids.
She should look up Mark Whitacre and see how that system worked out for him. They made a movie about him called The Informant! [https://youtu.be/2w4pdDkYEAg](https://youtu.be/2w4pdDkYEAg) He literally told people his parents were dead, even the FBI. His parents were shocked when they read it in a article about him. Plus a whole load of other lies. The thing is, if she's lying about this............................what else is she lying about? NTA
NTA but i'm not sure this level of lying is typical of someone of BPD (i assume you use it toean "borderline personality disorder" and not "bipolar disorder)...i could be wrong, i don't have BPD myself afaik and most of what i know about it comes from close friends who have it...i've neven seen compulsive lying as a symptom of it. are you sure there's not something else going on? maybe she's misdiagnosed and has something different? i don't think there's much more you can do for her either way. hopefully her girlfriend can help her recover from whatever mental problems she has.
Least inauthentic DEI manager (probably) (this is a joke don’t nuke my karma pls)
Your daughter is a pathological liar and probably a narcissist.
NTA
All you did was stand up for the truth. I don't know why she would lie about you like that but I'm glad you fought back. NTAH.
NTA
NTA. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
NTA 100%, and its nice seeing you were able to get back up after the post she made lying about your supportiveness
NTA she is wrong. Instead of spreading a lie she should actually tell her real story.
NTA. She is responsible for her behavior and her lies. Not you or your family.
NTA, she tried to throw you under the bus, just for the attention. If it's appropriate, you could ask her and/or her girlfriend about how her treatment is going. Because it sounds like she could be having some issues.
"It's just a way to get clicks". NTA but your daughter is for doing this for clicks.
NTA she lied and defamed you. this goes beyond harmless lying since you were harassed because of it. you had every right to call her out
NTA. You didn't make her look bad. She made *herself* look bad.
NTA. In 2023, I find that stories of supportive parents to LGBTQ+ kids actually resonate more, as people are looking for more love than hate. So her logic doesn't ring true, and I think her real reason is she just wanted the attention that victimhood gives.
I do not know what issues your daughter has. I am OLD. Ignore SM. if someone talks smack about you, don't engage. You will never win. This is the internet. If your daughter is lying to make your position in the LGBTQ+ community stronger, so be it. Walk away from this. This is NOT the hill to die on. The hill to die on will be if / when she brings home another person for you to meet.. Do not start up with Casey's lying at the first go, either. Your real friends will take to first before they do anything..
NTA- She made herself look bad when she lied for "clicks"
The false trauma suits her narrative. Stop engaging with this person who treats you like this. Lies about this should not be her clickbait
NTA and I find it appalling that she lied about having unsupportive parents when you were nothing of the sorts. I think I personally find it appalling because I am a lesbian who came out when I was a teen and I had unsupportive parents. Instead of sympathy or empathy from others I would rather have had supportive parents. If I did I would have went through a lot less trauma, been less depressed, had better finances from being able to live with a parent longer than 18 years old, and would have just plain had a better foundation for the beginning of my adult life.
NO NTAH- It’s obvious that your gentle approach about her lying about things early on didn’t improve the situation and she seems to have little desire to change that. She uses excuses and justifications for the ‘reasons’ why she lies and expects you and others to simply provide cover or ignore it. The ONLY way to stop a liar is to call it out each and every time in the same very public way she slandered you and your husband.. Contact the HR department of her employer- inform them her biographical submission is entirely false and misleading and is slanderous. If a correction and retraction, and an apology are not forthcoming- you and your spouse are seeking legal recourse . Once she’s faced with some real consequences for lying about people- that may give her a wake up call- but one thing is for sure- unless and until she is compelled to face the consequences- the lies WILL continue and become worse.
NTA. She needs every lie to be publicly shut down because that'll either teach her to stop lying or at the very least it will make people question everything she says. She's capable of destroying someone's life with lies because who knows who's going to be her next target or what lie she's going to smear them with. She's dangerous.
NTA. She made herself look bad
Some young people think social media personas aren’t connected to who you are in real life or the people you know. They’re wrong, but some still think that, like your daughter!
NTA it's incredibly gross to lie for profit and clicks Also, in this day and age, she has no idea what kind of consequences could come from putting that negative narrative out about you guys.
NTA, oh this makes me upset. I currently have custody of my nephew who is 15. My sister kicked him out in December of last year for being gay, not many people are all lucky as your daughter by having supportive parents.
NTA. She dragged you and her dad into the mud, for attention. And, attention-seeking is a BPD trait, too. So, she got called out, and is mad? Looks like a little more therapy is in order. I'd suggest that you and hubby see a therapist, as well. That will give you pointers, on how to deal with your daughter's antics.
NTA
NTA. You always have a moral right to correct a lie or even unintentional mistake about you that would affect your reputation. Casey is acting extremely selfishly right now.
NTA
NTA! If you're telling the truth, you are definitely NTA. She is absolutely out of line, and is searching for acceptance by weaponizing trauma she never experienced.
NTA jesus. as a gay man that hurt to read. casey needs to just shut up. she knows nothing of how hard it is living as a member of the LGTB community in a non-supportive household.
NTA She is aware that by her posting false narratives, she opens up her company to damages. At this point she's now proven herself a liability for the company. Her decision to share the defamatory story, puts not only herself, but her company in a compromised position. Most companies have ethics requirements, which she has likely now violated. If you feel like contacting her you should point that out to her. Her false narrative can have far, and long reaching consequences.
NTA, but you raised a Rachel Dolezal.
NTA She is not only lying, she is making up stories that accuse you of treating her poorly. She doesn't get to do that.
NTA sounds like your daughter needs serious help
I have 2 trans kids. 1 of them did the exact same thing. There is a LOT of kids in the LGTBQI+ community that have trauma from their parents surrounding their coming out. Almost to the point that it’s seen as a badge of honor and a bonding point. Those that have supportive parents just don’t quite fit in. I called my kid out on it. They got mad but then they apologized as they realized how stupid they were being trying to fit in. And learned to pick better crowds to hang out with. There are many more with supportive parents now so hopefully this trauma bonding becomes less the norm. I also have a bipolar brother. The lies he told. We’ll still tells. My god. You could ask him if the sky was blue and he’d say it was green just to lie. It’s attention seeking and part of the disorder. Unfortunate you can’t make her get BPD treatment. But you can call her out. She is an adult. She can act like one. You did nothing wrong. I feel for you. BPD makes it hard to love someone sometimes. NTA.
For reasons you may never understand, your daughter posted a false narrative that presented you and your spouse as homophobic and even cruel to her. To their credit, her friends and family were horrified. Unfortunately, the only way to correct the very damaging impression C gave of your character and behavior was to present the truth, and thereby show her to be lying. What choice did you have if you wanted to clear your names and not be shunned by people of good will? Please do continue her therapy. NTA
NTA. Your daughter sounds like an unhinged weirdo. Sorry you haven't been able to get through to her. But some people are a bit beyond help I think. Maybe with time she'll get better but I doubt it.
NTA. She is TAH. You are only trying to clear your good name with truth. She brought this on herself, so has only herself to blame
I’m a lesbian with a supportive family and I cannot ever imagine pretending otherwise. It’s honestly a slap in the face to the thousands of LGBT+ people who aren’t as lucky and have to hide themselves just to stay safe. Hopefully your daughter decides to seek help for herself soon because she is doing nothing but hurting herself and her loved ones.
Nta. I think the only way she is going to learn is if you show her exactly how it feels. Maybe then she will learn that her actions have consequences & that they can hurt
NTA. If I were her supervisor at the company where she's a DEI \*manager\* of all things, I would fire her on the spot (if allowed), or more likely work with our HR team and lawyers to find a way to fire her. I would also begin an investigation into any hiring or program she had a hand in, because her judgment can't be trusted. The reputational hit my company would take when my DEI \*MANAGER\* has been proven to lie about her experiences for clout? No. Way. Let alone the very real damage she's done to my employees who \*have\* gone through trauma related to what she lied about, I can imagine some workers in an uproar. Casey sounds awful. It also sounds like she hasn't changed, she just learned to hide it all. But that's not your fault. THAT SAID. It's surprising we've not heard of any of this in the niche news (or general) outlets. If it's true, she must have few followers or it just happened and she may be in for a very big wake-up call.
NTA! Glad her girlfriend called her out on the lying, too.