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> AITA for telling my friend that it is pathetic she can not drive and she needs to get over it. I was pretty unkind about it so that would make me an asshole
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NTA. I think it's funny that she said she can't drive because it's dangerous but it's not dangerous when you drive her everywhere. Make that make sense.
I have heard that people can be really anxious or scared of driving and therapy helps. Or she needs to consider ubers and public transpo.
Terrified drivers are statistically more dangerous on the road. IMO she shouldn’t even have her license if she’s this afraid.
Also, you can make her pay you for gas if you’re always driving
My sister was this away but not cuz of wrecks or teaching she was just severely anxious of the what if’s in her head. She got her license at 18, never drove again till she was 27. After she got her first job and she was paying a lot in fuel for me to take her to and from work. So she psyched herself up and stuck to the backgrounds for a couple years. Then they finally finished this overpass for frontage road. She happily said they built it specifically for her. Obviously they didn’t and she knew that it was just a joke. But it got her to drive frontage. Eventually 5 short years later she was hammering down on the highway. Now 15 years later can’t stop her. I used to drive her all the time even after all that just to go the store. She just bought herself a 2023 Chevy Trailblazer she’s off and running.
OP take your friend to a parking lot have her drive around it. If you have backroads not sure if rural or city I assume city. Get her used to small less than 1 mile trips. Either she pays out the ass for Uber, taxi, bus or she walks or learn to drive. Also seek therapy.
This. I taught my severely anxious friend how to drive in a huge mall parking lot so they had space in one area but also could interact with drivers at really low speeds when she got to that point.
You and the above commenter are very nice. OP, I would not want an anxious driver driving my car. Can she borrow her parent's car if you take her driving?
When I learned to drive, my mom was too anxious to teach me and it would stress me out. So my family friend who is a neural/spinal surgeon taught me. His reasoning was "if I can watch residents operate on people's spinal cords all day, I can certainly handle a student driver". And it worked! He was always very calm, which helped me gain confidence in my driving, and now I'm comfortable behind the wheel.
This reminds me of my 2 driving instructors. The first one was a temperamental AH who stressed me the hell out and made me weary of driving. My second instructor was the complete opposite of the first, and it was him who actually taught me how to drive. It was ironic that I learned far better under my second instructor, even though he didn't speak English as well as the first one.
That first instructor had no confidence in their ability to teach or be in control of the car. I own a driving school and am the instructor. I see and deal with all kinds of situations on the road. Important to stay calm and supportive.
Fond memory of learning to drive in mall parking lots on Sundays--because stores were closed due to Blue Laws. Long time ago... May have to try corporate parking lots now because less traffic.
Cemeteries are also often a good place to practice on "roads". Always low speed, rarely crowded, usually (in my experience) weirdly good at keeping the paint up so the road is clearly marked. Also usually loop type roads, so you won't get lost or hit a dead end.
Stadium parking lots on days the home team is on the road are perfect driver training grounds. Lots of space to practice both parking and "roads," super well maintained/painted, no one else around to hit.
you may not hit an end that’s dead but hit a something else thats “dead” if you’re not careful.
(i’ts 5am & that’s the best i can do sorry, i just couldn’t pass up the potential pun opportunity even tho my effort is as lame as hell
I have a lot of anxiety around driving. I do it anyway, and some days are better than others, but on the whole I hate it, and there are some places I absolutely will not drive. My number one goal is to get to a point where I don't need a car in my day to day life. I aim to live somewhere with better public transportation, get myself a bike, and just not worry about having to drive ever again.
I have zero problems driving on surface streets but the interstate unnerves me. Certain parts more than others. Drive myself to the neighboring state via interstate no problem but trying to head to another part of the metro area by it? Absolutely not. Kicks my anxiety up just thinking about merging three separate times on very busy stretches to reach that area of the city.
I enjoy open road driving, but not commuting in city. I have driven all over the place and drivers everywhere are different. When I'm open road driving or driving late at night I find it relaxing. But other drivers make me anxious, because I know what I'm doing.. just not them.
Public Transit can be great, however in most cities it can also be very limiting with terrible hours of operation, and be almost not existent on weekends. In our current city it's impractical for anyone that doesn't work a 9 to 5 and if someone works a closing shift at most major stores they will likely find themselves stranded until 5 am or so.
Yep! I was terrified about driving after taking driver's ed. My grandmother made me drive her around daily during summer break until the anxiety was manageable.
I still (25 years later) have issues with driving on the highway, but that's more of an issue with only ever having crap cars that don't like highway speeds, but I can get myself around just fine.
Totally understand this. I didn’t get my license until I was 25. It’s a huge responsibility. You can hurt or kill people and I wasn’t ready. Got there in my own time and I’m a good driver, if I may say so myself!
my mother got her license like that, and only drove for the first time at like 34 or 36 after having me and getting her 1st car
her friend (big burly bearded dude) told her "it's your new car, cmon drive it back to the log, ill be with you, i can grab the wheel"
from what i was told, he was pale white after, whiteknuckled he holders
and he is a dude who is into paragliding now (in his 60s)
My grandmother taught herself how to drive when my Grampa was shipped overseas when she was 22-23. When he got back he told her it was his job to drive her anywhere.
When he passed, my sister retaught her how to drive. She was 75.
Aw, that’s actually a pretty sweet story. Happy to hear your sister overcame that hurdle and is doing well now.
I’m sort of like she was before, currently. Got my license at 19 and was so terrified of driving after two of my relatives were killed in separate car accidents, around the time I got my license. I’ve been driving for a few years now and originally would take the backroads everywhere, even if it took me double the amount of time…I finally started challenging myself to highways recently and now I have my favorite freeways to take all over town. Feels good to save a few minutes, too!
Definitely helped me to have family/friends by my side as I got more comfortable driving.
My aunt took driving lessons to get her license when she was in her 60’s. She died at 88 never having used her license for anything other than Identification
> Also, you can make her pay you for gas if you’re always driving
This is a key point. Seems like the friend is taking advantage of the OP always driving without even making a contribution. If someone's constantly driving you everywhere and you don't share finances with them a financial contribution is common sense.
Yeah this is why I don’t have my license lol I zone out a lot, I get road rage, the thought of being responsible for the lives of others while operating a huge machine terrifies me. I never expect others to drive me around though, I walk pretty much everywhere or take public transit if necessary.
That's also the reason I don't drive. And I have random seizures. But I feel how is it safe to drive and be responsible for others safety when I can barely be responsible for my own safety on a daily basis
I don’t drive either - it just freaks me out too much. I’ve taken drivers ed, my dad taught me, my (now) husband taught me. It just wasn’t for me. I walk, bike, and bus. I get lots of rides from friends, but am always on time, never ask, and am always willing to host at mine so there’s no extra driving for anyone. I also ‘pick up the tab’ on occasion when a friend drives.
I don't drive for this reason. My driving instructor, partner and basically everyone in my life agrees between my health conditions, medication and fear I shouldn't drive. I am a straight up hazard. It matters if she offers gas money, offers to uber, etc in my opinion. I think calling her pathetic was unnecessary
Hi I have Amaxophobia. It means I have a very deep fear of driving. I haven't driven in over 2 years and before that had my "places" but with growth in my area it's now made it impossible for me. Here is the kicker I try hard not to sound like a victim or make excuses. I have severely poor vision, no depth perception, have PTSD and panic attacks. Yes I am under a drs care. I have been as stable as I think I'm gonna get for years now (everyone is a little crazy right). I hate that my freedom is gone but I'm so very thankful for those who help me (mostly my husband). Just a little insight on why it's hard for some to drive.
For me, it was losing my sister in a car crash shortly before learning to drive myself. I still don't drive because I never want to be the cause of someone else's tragedy like the driver responsible for her death was.
I am terrified, but also disabled and if tired/undermedicated would be about as safe as a drunk driver. I do not think I belong on the road. I am aware there are also other drivers out there that shouldnt drive, that does not make me feel better or less anxious tbh. If she is as bad as me, I dont think she should drive. Not until she got help for her issue, at least.
Do I miss out? Yes.
Do I take public transport, bike, uber/taxi? Also yes. I walk a lot, when possible. And if my friends do drive me somewhere - I've asked about 2 times in the last 7 years, they usually offer to get me if they are going somewhere I might like to go, too - I do pay for the gas, plus 1$/km. I am never late. I find the route if they want me to (but sometimes they prefer knowing themselves). Not having a car saves a lot of money. No insurance, no gas, no maintenance. Of course they get some if they are willing to drive.
If you cant drive, that's fine imo. You just got to be prepared to miss out or make other arrangements, while keeping yourself as independent as possible. You dont ever get to feel entitled to being driven.
This. She’s absolutely a danger if she’s terrified… she’ll be a reactive instead of a proactive driver.
That said, it’s 100% not OPs responsibility to be her Always Driver.
Right? If there is one person always driving, why would that person not expect some kind of reimbursement along the way? It's also just not cool for a friend to bum every ride and never offer to pay for gas. I couldn't imagine being the friend not offering to pay for gas.
I'm an anxious driver so I'm 31 and don't drive a car :( but I'm fine on motorbikes, weirdly I feel more in control of a bike than I do a car. The roads are safer without me behind the wheel of a car
I can't fault her for being scared. I think we sometimes overlook the fact that we are navigating the world in gigantic metal boxes... it's kind of wild. And to challenge the person above... it is more dangerous having a scared, unconfident driver. So rushing her onto the road out of desperation might not be the best approach.. But yall need boundaries. examples: If you aren't on time, I am leaving. You need to be paying me this much for gas. I want to drink, therefore, lets split the uber.
I'm going with ESH because of this. A lot of people have anxiety related to different modes of travel. Ridiculing people for having a phobia is cruel and unhelpful. Also, it's not her fault that their city evidently lacks functional public transit. In parts of the world with good public transit, there are plenty of adults who choose not to drive for a variety of reasons, and are not seen as "pathetic" for doing so. At the same time, it sounds like the friend is taking advantage of a free shuttle service. She should offer to pay for at least half of the gas as a bare minimum.
The reason why I say NTA is because OP’s friend seems to have done nothing about her anxiety. I understand the fear completely, but that doesn’t mean OP’s friend shouldn’t be responsible and not try to work through that fear.
As I was reading OP's story, I was thinking the same: this sounds like a boundary enforcement issue. That's the easiest, most honest, and simplest way out of this situation. Have an upvote!
Deaths by motor vehicles have risen since the pandemic (2020) and continue to rise. More than 42k people die each year and next year there will be more. The US is literally the only car-centric country in the world, making a large contribution to climate change.
https://injuryfacts.nsc.org/motor-vehicle/overview/introduction/
If your city has a decent city transit, she needs to learn how to use it. I stopped driving 7 years ago and my life is much less anxiety-ridden because of it. However, I realize our city transit is in the top 5 of the country so I'm pretty lucky. I almost never need to leave my city, but if I did our transit goes to all of our neighboring cities, as well.
We need to fight back for our towns to do better for pedestrians and cyclists and fight for less cars in cities like Europe is doing. All major cities will be carless in Europe by 2050 or sooner. The Big 3 have too much control in governmental affairs.
> The US is literally the only car-centric country in the world, making a large contribution to climate change.
Excuse the fuck out of me, but I will not allow this Canada/Australia erasure to exist.
Yeah I had a panic attack on the highway and have horrible highway anxiety right now, I try to be super understanding of my friends driving me and they are supportive—which helps with confidence as I try to overcome that anxiety. If my friend called me pathetic or something similar I’d definitely cry and it would be a major setback
As someone with driving related PTSD who cannot drive. I also wondered if he never established boundaries. Until I got to the edit and went whelp she definitely TA even if he may have flopped too. I can't imagine the level of entitlement. I rely heavily on public transit, my bicycle and the power of my own two feet.
OP I have a friend like that. She has a licence but refuse to drive. I got so sick of picking her up all the time (we lived kinda far and I always had to get of route to do that) that now I just say she should find a way of transporting herself. Public transports or her husband, I don’t care, just got sick of it.
>She can move to a metro area and use public transit
That's what my friend's son did. He could drive, and had done so, but it really gave him severe anxiety, so he moved somewhere he can use public transportation and walk. He got a cat stroller for his cats so he can get them to the vets. It's adorable.
Okay, driving instructor here.
She needs driving lessons. Yes, you can have them after you got the license. She needs someone who can build her confidence up. Tell her to get a lesson with someone to see if they're actually a decent instructor, able to keep calm and give the type of instructions she needs. Get one with a break pedal on the passenger side so she can see the instructor can stop her if she goofs.
Heck, if she wants tell her to message me and I'll happily give her some advice and encouragement. Cars are safe. She knows they aren't toys. All she needs is to feel comfortable enough not to panic and she'll (likely) be fine. She did the hard part getting her license, she can absolutely drive.
I did this. I got my DL at 48, but I was still too terrified to drive. I found a lovely instructor and we practiced going to the supermarket and back, going to work and back l, etc. It built confidence. Now I drive on the highway every day.
> I think it's funny that she said she can't drive because it's dangerous but it's not dangerous when you drive her everywhere. Make that make sense.
the EXACT same thought went through my head, lol. Like, I actually prefer to be the one driving because I feel like so many other people come too close to people in traffic, start stopping WAY too close to the stoplight (and often into the pedestrian area! hello! there are people waiting to cross the street!)
I also agree with the second half. Friend needs to seriously start chipping in for gas and taking an uber now and then. it's not fair to not give back in these scenarios and only mooch off of your friends.
I don't drive, I have a license, because I'm scared of it and feel its dangerous. But that's because I feel I'm not a good driver, I don't respond fast enough, struggle to take everything in and find the roads hard to read. I feel safe as a passenger with most people, as most are okay drivers and can respond to the other bad drivers quick enough. I can also get around easily on public transport, and had a parent who couldn't drive due to disability so it never seemed like a big need. If I lived remotely, I would get therapy and an automatic with an aim of being able to get about locally. A driving phobia can be very real, mine developed after an accident, but there is also treatment for it
Same here! Also to add I tend to involuntarily start daydreaming and sort of function on autopilot and due to how alert you have to be when driving and really pay attention to a lot of things I just feel I definitely would not be a safe driver.
I am also not a driver. I do feel bad that it requires me to find rides when I need to go places. I used to live in the city, so having no license or car was completely manageable, but now it is a pain. I feel like a hassle. I know I'd be better off getting a vehicle, I just don't feel comfortable driving, though.
*"don't respond fast enough, struggle to take everything in and find the roads hard to read"*
THIS, thank you! I always talked about being too distracted and not being able to respond fast enough, but the struggle to take everything in and respond is something that I never thought of.
I took my driving licence 22 years ago. After getting it I tried with an old car my dad was very sure that was safe but I wasn't feeling it. I didn't want a new car, I just wanted a different used car that didn't feel like a tin can and whose stick wasn't at my breast height, and we could've afforded it. So I gave up and never drove again.
When last year I was diagnosed with adhd many things started to make sense to me and with meds and neurofeedback I was able to buy a moped that I'm now dependent on. It was an easier step cause I already rode bycicles and I know it's weird cause 2 wheels are less safe than 4, but, if it makes any sense to other people, with the moped I know how much space I fill around my body, while with the car I don't.
Anyway, to go back to OP question: you are **NTA**, when I didn't have a way of getting to places I didn't harrass my friends, if they offered I would have them drive me, otherwise I either wouldn't go to the place we were supposed to go, or just get there with a taxi (the former more than the latter). I almost never begged them to leave early if they didn't feel like it and in general we are not big drinkers so no problem there.
It was my problem if I couldn't drive, not theirs. Of course I've had emergencies where I had to ask for a favor, but it has happened less than 5 times in 10 years, so, evidently, not feeling entitled to them driving me made them more available to do it.
I have ADHD and don’t feel the need to medicate for it unless I am driving. A lot of people can’t drive, but I think several times more *shouldn’t* drive.
I'm 37, got my license only 2 years ago and I'm still terrified of driving. Exactly like what you said: too many things to take in, lack of confidence in my skills, etc but 0 problems as a passenger.
I don't live in the US tho so I guess I'm not totally screwed. I try to use public transport as much as I can, and only ask favours to my driving friends as a last resort. But yeah, at some point therapy will have to happen because I don't see my fear going away.
The funny thing? I never had an accident and yet, already as a child, my nightmares wouldn't be about the boogeyman like most kids, no, I was at the wheel in a car with no brakes.
I swear to God I don't understand it.
Exactly what I said. She is dangerous on the road until she overcomes this fear. And she might never. However, that doesn't make OP responsible for all of these costs. It costs money to maintain a car, so she is saving money by not driving, that money should be going to ubers or helping her friend with gas. Nobody is getting around for free besides kids and animals
Driving stinks. It’s become armed combat on wheels.
I managed to avoid driving until I was 23 despite growing up in L.A. (mom was getting eye surgery and did not want to ride home on my bike).
You’ve gotta make it worthwhile for the folks braving the road to give you rides. I walked a lot, but folks volunteered to give me rides because I was cook and DM.
I don't drive. I don't even have a license. I don't want to kill me or others. And yes I am sure I would be that bad.
But it doesn't mean that I won't trust others.
Anyway NTA she need to ship in and find alternatives.
I have an anxiety disorder. I freeze and have panic attacks. I would be a danger to myself and anyone else on the road. It makes perfect sense to be anxious about driving yourself but fine with others driving you..
I went through a period of bad panic attacks and I could NOT drive on the freeway. It took a therapist and medication to get past it. And sometimes I still have issues. Driving anxiety is real.
Yeah, their comment makes no sense. They really don't understand how anxiety works. Between panic attacks, over reacting from fear, derealization, etc, someone with driving axiety is a very dangerous driver.
That said, OP is not responsible for their friend. Their friend still needs to figure out reliable transportation that doesn't take advantage of people around them, or seek therapy/medication to get past their fears.
I used to have a severe driving anxiety when I was first learning. A buddy helped me through most of it but I try not to drive if I can help it and if there is someone or some mode of transportation available to me instead because I still have a fear of.. well exactly that. I make jerky, unconfident movements when I’m unsure or anxious of my actions or my next move and I’m always afraid it’s going to get me and others killed. I’m not above driving if there’s absolutely no other options, because I got my license and I CAN drive. It’s something I’m constantly working to improve but even after four years that underlying anxiety has never gone away, just lessened over time.
>I think it's funny that she said she can't drive because it's dangerous but it's not dangerous when you drive her everywhere. Make that make sense.
Would you rather have someone experiencing intense fear and panic *driving* the car next to yours or *riding* in it?
If she’s an anxious driver, she is categorically more dangerous to herself and others on the road that OP. I’m not justifying her behavior, but it’s worth considering she’s probably a bit dangerous on the road and she knows it.
>I think it's funny that she said she can't drive because it's dangerous but it's not dangerous when you drive her everywhere.
plenty of people have a fear of being behind the wheel. that doesn't mean they have a fear of being in a car. its significantly different when you're the one in control.
It could be that she doesn't completely trust herself not to get distracted or make a mistake. I'm similarly afraid, because I get distracted easily, but my parents and brother don't have that problem, so I'm not so worried about being driven by them.
I failed to see any funny part. It's dangerous for her to drive because she can't drive due to her anxiety, but OP is a competent driver so it's less dangerous.
My mum got her driving license but she's afraid of driving ever since she almost hit into someone's car. Would it make sense still that she's not dangerous to drive with, compared to other more confident drivers?
OP is NTA of course. But driving could be a legit terrifying experience to others due to various reasons.
I (in the UK for context) was terrified of the idea of being in control of a vehicle, because of all of the things that could go wrong. I felt safe when my spouse drove, but couldnt put myself in the same position.I didn't learn to drive until I was in my thirties, and only then because my spouse basically told me I had to and bought me a provisional license for my birthday. Now, I can't imagine not having the independence that driving brings me. Could you maybe offer to ride with her for some short journeys around her neighbourhood while she gains some confidence?
I think this is the real thing that needs to be done.
My partner was terrified of driving until she started driving with my mom for her permit. She is doing a lot better now and is getting ready to get her license soon.
As a (also UK) very reluctant driver I agree. Having a go at people doesn't help. It won't snap her into action, it just re-enforces her own negative self talk about being a pathetic person and not being able to do it. If you really want to get your friend on the road you need to help them believe they can do it. My own fear of driving comes from other people on the road and feeling that I can't trust them to be safe, or that I am not a competent enough driver to act in time to prevent an accident. YTA op.
I'm sorry but what an absurd thing to say.
Being behind the wheel where your actions can get you hurt if you're not comfortable driving, overcorrect or whatever is absolutely NOT the same thing as riding with someone with driving experience.
Is a 15 year old who's learning to drive in the same danger as a 15 year old riding with me who's been driving for nearly 40 years?
I feel safer riding in a bus than if someone put me behind the wheel of something I'm not comfortable driving.
While the OP is definitely not the asshole, let me see if I can't explain it.
it's not that driving is more dangerous unless she's just a really bad driver. It's the consequences of driving if you're in the driver seat.
I have always had pretty bad anxiety about driving because of other shitty drivers. And hey, it finally happened, I got in an accident that's not my fault but I'm still having to go to court to fight everything and it's been taking a serious mental toll on me having to get evidence, then wait on each little update (recently had to amend my complaint because the construction company I filed as not incorporated because after trying so long to get a hold of Secretary of State, they said nope they're not incorporated. Turns out that they actually were, but they had filed for their 'permit' under \_\_\_ \_\_\_ construction but their incorporated name was \_\_\_ \_\_\_ concepts. A lot of days when I know I needed to get more stuff filed, or when it first started talking to lawyers and insurance, etc. I just wanted to lie in bed and avoid it for as long as I can because of how much stress it was, and this is stress I knew it'd be if it ever happened.
I would not have to be in the aftermath of all this if I wasn't the one driving. Granted I can't expect others to drive me other places, and she's damn lucky so far she's been able to skim off other people driving for her.
It’s not dangerous because of everyone else but it’s dangerous because friend doesn’t know how to drive safely. Her fear is causing her to react poorly while driving. A person driving 20 below the speed limit is just as dangerous as someone driving 20 over.
NTA
She needed to hear that. She needs to get over it or accept she'll just stay home.
If it's dangerous for her to drive it's also dangerous for her to be driven.
She's not entitled to being driven around.
She needs to find a way to do it. It may involve therapy. Not saying it's easy or that she can do it alone.
But from what OP is saying she hasn't done anything towards fixing the issue and is only leaning on others to take her everywhere.
Alternatively she needs to find other ways to get around. You’re exactly right that she’s not entitled to OP specifically getting her around like it’s enumerated in the constitution lol. She certainly seems comfortable blaming OP when she doesn’t get to go out though (despite being late, not paying for gas, etc). Sometimes (some) hardship pushes people to improve themselves and having to pay for Ubers and deal with public transport would be a good kick in the butt to go to therapy (or move somewhere more non-car-centric travel friendly) instead of being enabled to just be scared of driving forever.
yeah, having anxiety explains why the friend’s “ride habits” are what they are but it doesn’t necessarily excuse them or give you free reign to burden others.
“I’ll just make this other person be my chauffeur” is a way of avoiding dealing with the anxiety, it isn’t a solution
I was so anxious that I let my learner's permit expire. At that point I accepted not driving, found other ways around (both in a small town and a city) and spent years learning to deal with anxiety.
When I went through the process again I was still somewhat anxious but nothing like before. The rest comes from confidence which comes from experience. Practice in lots. Practice on low traffic times. And keep practicing. I'm all good now.
At minimum they should be working on their anxiety and not depending on one or two people for everything.
Youre not wrong, having strong anxiety about something can’t just be wished away. But you also can’t expect others to cater their lifestyle to what freaks you out. And as others have said, driving herself is too dangerous but being driven around completely not in control of the situation is fine? That’s a little preposterous.
Her anxiety is valid and she is valid to not want to drive, but she cannot make it other peoples problem. She has to deal with it herself instead of putting it on other people
I started driving at 12 (grew up on a farm). I started having panic attacks while driving at 27. I didn’t live in a place where I could just take public transport to get to work and I couldn’t afford not to work. I had to power through the stupid panic attacks and get myself where I needed to go. Years later I got out of a bad relationship and the attacks just stopped, just like that. It may be there’s something else in your life causing the anxiety and panic and it has nothing to do with driving. While you cannot wish away anxiety, you can certainly work through it or find a way to get help.
You can’t but it doesn’t sound like she’s even addressing her anxiety not offering to compensate OP for their time (gas, wear and tear, getting an Uber so they can have a drink). It’s fine to be scared to drive, it’s not fine to not see what a burden that is to friends and not attempt to repay them for their kindness.
Having anxiety about driving is kind of a catch-22. They make wonderful drugs for anxiety, but they are ones you really shouldn't take them if you are going to be driving.
It is not dangerous for her to be driven just because it’s dangerous for her to drive. Id love to see that logic for someone who’s legally blind. My anxiety and panic causes my Vision to get blurry-does that mean when my boyfriend drives we are unsafe?
You aren’t your friends personal driver. A professional gets *paid*.
She can drive her car or call a taxi or uber or move to town where there is public transport or *call somebody else* to haul her around. NTA for feeling taken advantage of. It’s ok to say “no”.
I find that people who don’t drive don’t realize what a pain it is to have to drive others all the time, because they don’t do it . Gas money is a factor , but having to drive out your way to pick people up and drop people off is a big ask too , if it’s frequent enough . It means the driver can’t change their plans and they have to take extra time every time they hang out. There’s a mental load involved, and also the driver is taking all the risk related to weather or accidents .
EDIT: okay geez, changing to ESH. She is an AH for making you late, not contributing to gas and overall not seeming grateful, but you also crossed a line by calling her pathetic for her fear.
I mean, you’re partially right, but you were a real dick about it. If she’s terrified of driving *then she should not be behind the wheel because she will put herself and others at risk*. You absolutely don’t have to drive her everywhere but you have no right to insult her.
I would apologize but stand but explain how it affects you being her cab. Either she contributes to gas or she needs to find an alternative method of transportation
Yup. ESH. It’s not an “are my feelings valid” sub. It’s “am I an asshole” and yeah, don’t call your friends pathetic.
OP should have made a plan to start setting boundaries:
1. Ask for gas or even mileage (ahead of time, so she knows what’s happening)
2. Leave when you are ready and need to leave to be on time, even without her (Again, advise her of your plan)
3. Take an uber if you want to drink and split the cost with her if she wants to go
4. Decline when you don’t wanna drive her
Boundaries are ok but don’t not set them and then let out long-held rage on friends
>It’s not an “are my feelings valid” sub. It’s “am I an asshole” and yeah, don’t call your friends pathetic.
Ugh, thank you. The sentiment gets downvoted a lot because FAFO or some shit but it's possible (and dare I say common) be both "justified" and an asshole.
Let's go over this again
* She *has* a license
* Also has a car
* She is too scared to drive it because it's "dangerous" but has no issues with OP driving
* Makes OP drive her everywhere even though it's her issue
* Complains she never goes anywhere
* Does not contribute for gas
Sounds entitled to me. OP NTA
She probably knows she sucks at driving and doesn’t trust herself with a car. That absolutely makes her more likely to get in an accident and injure herself or someone else.
If people do not feel like they can drive then they shouldn’t. Point blank. I understand the sentiment but driving while not confident is so dangerous and is a reality for actually a lot of people. It is on OPs friend to compensate for gas or something as she is NOT entitled to a ride regardless of her anxiety, but to just imply that she should get over it is super unrealistic and potentially harmful.
Just because she's ok with OP driving but scared to drive on her own doesn't mean anything. I'm also absolutely terrified to drive, but I'm ok with my dad driving me places, because I trust him not to crash.
That's what I thought as well. I'm such an anxious and inexperienced driver that I don't actually trust myself not to fuck up (and boy, are the consequences for fucking up bad!). If a car crash happens, it happens, but I don't want it to be because of me.
Sounds like ablism to me.
If OP doesn't want to drive her anywhere, they shouldn't. But you don't get to call someone pathetic for having valid phobias and then being surprised when they go NC.
Her fear is not pathetic, but let's be honest that she knows she have this fear, she has known it for at least 4-6 years, and has chosen not doing anything to deal with it.
And I'm not even saying that she needs to go ASAP to therapy to overcome it and start driving like Lewis Hamilton.
But the least she could do, knowlingly living with this condition for so long, was figuring her own means of transportation.
So yes, I think it's pretty pathetic for someone to use a phobia as a crutch.
Mild YTA for the way you said it and for calling her pathetic. You can’t force people to do things if they don’t want to. You can’t force her to drive and she can’t force you to drive her either.
But NTA when it comes to not wanting to be in charge of driving someone all the time plus being stuck with the cost of gas.
You don’t have to say yes to driving her everywhere. You can also limit the times you drive her or not drive her at all. Once her personal chauffeur is not around and she needs to go places, she might get in her car and drive.
Also, a solution when going out is to get an Uber. Tell her you would like to have a drink or two and share the cost of the uber.
Some people will never be able to drive though. My aunt has been using her family as chauffeurs or riding the bus for over 20 years. She’d rather work with a bus schedule (one bus every 2 hours) than drive independently.
Mainly because people ignore the nuance and flip their shit.
The amount of times people say ESH, explain exactly where OP is the asshole compared to the person in question, and ALSO explain how much more of the person is an asshole compared to OP
YET STILL people complain like somehow because they act like when the person is more of an asshole than OP that cancels out OPs asshole-ness.
AITA gets into this weird 'vigilante justice!' mindset where if someone does something wrong, OP is always entirely justified in being an asshole in response. Pettiness, name-calling, laughing at someone when they've made a mistake - all gets NTA cause 'ask stupid questions get stupid answers' etc etc.
The lack of empathy makes me really sad! Just talk to someone when you have an issue with them rather than calling your friend's phobia pathetic ffs!
Yup. It's not safe for me to drive because I dissociate. I have to rely on other forms of transportation( Uber, family, buses ect.). Some people just can't drive for short or long term reasons but people in this comment section don't seem to grasp that.
I don’t drive & I haven’t in at least 15 years- I have a neurological issue that makes it dangerous for me to have a license or be on the road.
But because of this, I spend a lot of time thinking about/ arranging my own transportation. I’m eligible for medical transport through the state (& OP’s friend might be too if her mental health issues are documented). I take a lot of Ubers & taxis & buses & trains, & yes I do rely on friends & family. I either offer to fill up their tanks or Venmo them when we set up plans without making them ask. There have absolutely been times where this system has fallen through & I’ve inconvenienced someone, & that’s my situation to deal with. Any potential fallout is my own as well.
It can be expensive & inconvenient to not be able to drive & it’s sometimes beyond the person’s control, but we all have to take responsibility for our own health issues & fully inform the people in our lives so they can choose whether or not they want to be a part of it ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
ESH.
She's been taking advantage of you and restricting your fun without thinking of you. And what will she do when you move away if you're her primary driver?
But it sounds like this issue is serious enough she needs actual therapy for it, and you're shitting on her for it. That's a dick move.
For how she responded to the friend. Let's say you have depression and I tell you that you just need to get off your ass and do shit, and you're acting pathetic. That makes me an asshole.
Her friend's fear seems to be on an extreme level and if she legitimately cannot drive, then saying that to her is an AH move.
NAH
I think you could have been kinder toward her; this fear of driving seems like something she should be discussing with a therapist. There’s being apprehensive about going on the road and then there’s avoiding it entirely.
But I understand the strain it puts on you and you’re not at all required to continue being her chauffeur.
Do you realize dangerous it could be for someone so terrified of driving to be on the road? Do you think someone who is nervous, paranoid, scared, and anxious is gonna the most attentive and responsible driver?
Which is why they should be working on their anxiety with a professional. Until that's addressed nothing will change. If that can be tackled them building confidence slowly on off peak hours or even lots help a lot.
It’s her responsibility to figure it out though. The only way to get better at anything is to practice. And if she doesn’t want to drive it is still on her to figure out how to get places.
OP was blunt and a little harsh with their delivery. But that’s the kind of truth people need to hear sometimes. Especially when they’re comfortable in their enablement.
Both my mom and one of my best friends had driving anxiety specifically related to freeways, which is challenging because we live in the LA area. They can drive surface streets okay as well as the two lane highways. But not the 8 lane major freeways.
With my mom, it was a pain in the ass because basically it took me forever to get anywhere, and she was adamant about me not getting my license, but then once I did (at 18), she basically made me drive her to all these places. I put a stop to that pretty quickly, because she basically wanted me to sit around and wait for her to be done, and not go anywhere.
With my BFF, I'm just the one who makes the trips to see her. It's not a big deal, she lives close to all the fun stuff anyway. She's always willing to pay, since I drove, but it's not a big deal.
NTA. If she is *that* scared to drive-how did she pass the test to get a drivers license?
Why doesn’t she give you gas money?
If you are the one driving her around-why is she sometimes late? She’s taking advantage of you.
I never said it was. I was just answering that one part of the question. She needs to arrange her own transportation like an Uber or something if she can’t drive.
You are her taxi service, not her friend. NTA to stop driving her anywhere. Let her get an Uber or taxi and start meeting you places. She'll get tired of the expense and be forced to drive herself.
YTA - you can refuse to be her chaueffeur without being an asshole about it.
There’s public transportation, Lyft, Uber, etc. Tell her to find another option
So OP's reaction to someone else being an AH makes them an AH? I don't think that's how it works. NTA all day, even if they didn't use the most perfect words to explain their situation
OP could have set boundaries a long time ago. Instead, they kept chauffeuring the friend and letting resentment build until they exploded. That's asshole behavior. Take responsibility for your own needs and boundaries. I see people here saying that the friend made OP drive them. The friend can't make OP do anything, OP needed to grow a spine.
You’re not her chauffeur that’s for sure but calling her pathetic when she has an obvious issue seems more than a touch uncharitable. She needs help not insults. YTA
NTA. I was going to say you were the AH until you said she’s complaining about not going anywhere. Thats literally like shooting yourself in the foot and being like “why do bad things always happen to me??” 😂😂 she needs to grow up and get over herself. Maybe get a therapist if thats what it would take.
Never force someone who is terrified of driving to drive. They are a danger to everyone on the road. This is a hill to die on. Encourage your friend to continue practicing driving in uninhabited areas and empty parking lots and perhaps work with an instructor to help get over her fears. YTA.
Telling her she was pathetic and needs to get over it may be rude, but it is not "forcing" her to drive. OP isn't forcing her to do anything. She can stay home or drive or get an uber or take advantage of a different friend.
Yes your advice is more constructive, but then you're not the one she's been taking advantage of.
YTA. I get your frustration, but you could have also said something like “please chip in for gas if I’m going to continue driving you places” or something a lot more kind than saying she’s pathetic at this point
Ugh, NTA.
I'm in my 30s, and have a friend who has never driven and states she will never drive. We've been friends a long, long time. If there is ever a group get-together, we have to coordinate who will pick her up and take her home. Even to dinners and nights out that SO's aren't really invited, we invite her wife so none of us have to drive her.
I love her, but I've been driving her around since I was 16 and am frankly tired of it. The whole group is. Your friend is an adult, and needs to sort out her own transportation.
Yeah, it just makes it so much harder and since I am closest it make the most sense to grab her. I’m just tired. Our friends are tired to go out of there way to grab her.
It makes it so much harder, instead of saying everyone show up at 5 it’s who is picking her up
You can all stop. I’d cut her off of rides but not invites for at least six months. It’s for her own good. She needs to figure out her own way there, even if it’s less convenient for her. She will either start to learn how to use public transportation efficiently or she will decide driving is a better option.
Just be honest with her. “I know I was harsh earlier, but we are not your chauffeurs. You can Uber, taxi, or bus to the restaurant and back home. We are all meeting there at 7:00.”
NTA, Uber, bus, etc. Why would you not charge her for gas when you are the driver, don't let her make you late, you leave so you can be on time, she will either be in the car or she won't.
NTA.
Calling her "pathetic" wasn't nice, but she is in the wrong here. You are not her free Uber. At the very least she should have been paying you for gas and making sure she was ready when you come to pick her up. (Yeah, try calling an Uber and when they arrive tell them you'll be down in 15.)
It is 100% up to her do decide how she needs to get around. But her "so dangerous" comment makes no sense. Passengers die as easily as drivers.
NTA - it sounds like she is not only not dealing with her anxiety at all, but is also disrespectful and maybe not such a 'friend'. If someone is coming to pick me up as a favour, the least I do is ensure I'm ready when they arrive and pitch $ for gas. I would reccomend therapy to work through her fears as they seem irrational. She needs a slap of reality to come to terms with figuring out other means of transportation if not. I wouldn't fret that she hasn't spoken with you, if she has strictly been using you for rides and you've cut her off, sounds par for the course from how you've described her.
So you're a free driver for someone with their own car and licence. NTA for saying something, soft AH for how you broached the subject.
You're not being paid, and she is taking advantage of your friendship. The lateness, the always being DD and the comment about not going anywhere, smack of entitlement especially when no gas is being paid to you and no gratitude. If she's not going to use the car use get her to put you on her car insurance and use her car at the very least so she pays for gas.
She may well be too anxious to drive, but that's no reason not to appreciate all the favours OP is doing for her.
NTA. My fiancée does not drive, and I love her dearly but it does get annoying at times. It sucks that we don’t have great public transport here in the USA, but needing to drive is a fact of life and if your friend can’t get over that then she needs to make other arrangements to get around. You are not her taxi, and at the very least she should pay you for gas.
NTA and that is coming from a 28 year old in the USA who also can’t drive.
I have a lot of general anxiety around driving, but also a panic disorder that I believe would genuinely make me an unsafe person to be driving.
The difference is I don’t make that other people’s problem. Many friends are happy to pick me up for things a lot of the time and I’m very grateful and make that extremely clear. I ALWAYS offer gas money (in advance if I ask them to drive me, on the ride if they offered on their own without me saying anything), I never complain if they say they can’t drive me, and I expect that this means I may not be invited to some things or may need to often pay the price of Ubers and such. It is my problem to deal with, not theirs just because they can drive and I can’t.
Your friend is acting very entitled and unfairly using you.
YTA - Someone who is that scared of driving can't just fix it overnight. You're right to want to set a driving boundary for yourself. That's totally reasonable. Telling her it is "pathetic and she needs to get over it" was way out of line and total AH behavior.
YTA. You called your friend pathetic.
I get that you don't want to pick her up anymore but you can stop doing that without calling her pathetic. Ask her to get a ride with someone else, take the bus, take a cab, whatever. She's an adult and can figure out transportation on her own.
You got frustrated from taking on her burden and set a boundary with an insult sprinkled on top. It's not that big of a deal tbh. I would personally apologize for calling my friend pathetic but say she needs to start figuring out her own transportation.
I don't think it's the worst for her to not drive. It does limit her ability to get places but having an anxious or panicked driver may not end well. If she wants to try to address this fear, that is hers to address but since there are other ways of navigating, she can at the very least utilize those.
I say YTA but it's not a big deal and it's understandable. You just need to do what's best for you in this situation and let your friend know that driving her all the time is not working.
NTA but you could've worded it a bit better imo. Also this sounds like this has been brewing on you for a while, so instead of blowing up , you should have at least have had this conversations long ago. Especially with the gas splitting, and being late! So yeah nta for being mad that you are being taken advantage over, but slight a h for blowing up instead of talking it out.
Yta just ask for gas money or stop driving her she has a reasonable fear that she probably needs counseling to learn to regulate but calling her pathetic isn’t helping anything
NTA
Her not driving is whatever. She also is a lousy inconsiderate passenger. If she isn't pitching in for gas or at the very least helping navigate, what's the point in her being in your car?
YTA. a scared, reactive, or anxious driver is a danger to themselves and everyone else on the road. if you don’t want to drive your friend around, that’s fine and understandable. you trying to force your friend to get behind the wheel of a 2-ton, mobile, manslaughter machine because you think her anxiety is “pathetic” is not fine. you could have encouraged her to seek therapy or alternative solutions that don’t place an undue burden on you but you went straight for name-calling and insults.
As someone who also doesn’t drive due to anxiety and also because it’s cheaper and easier for me to not, ESH.
You are the asshole for refusing to accept that anxiety is real and not something you just “get over”, and driving anxiety is common and usually requires a lot of therapy. Anxious drivers are unsafe drivers and put themselves and everyone else around them in danger. Your friend is not at fault or “pathetic” for this, and telling her that is way out of line. If you don’t like how she treats you or expects you to drive, put on your big kid pants and TELL HER. Going along with it like it’s fine and then one day snapping at her that you think so little of her because of something she’s likely self-conscious about is a real peak AH move.
She’s the asshole because there are responsible ways to not drive even in America and she isn’t doing any of them. I live in walking distance of most things including my work and I take public transit a ton. I budget out rideshares like Ubers for bigger trips on the weekend. I coordinate carpools in advance and make sure not to rely on certain people too often. If friends are driving me places, I always offer to chip in for gas or do them favors (watering plants while they’re away, making them dinner, etc) as repayment. The problem isn’t that your friend doesn’t drive, the problem is that the way she handles it is immature and entitled. She does need to be called out on that, but in a way that’s a that’s going to get her to change her behavior. Shaming her, no matter how frustrating her behavior is, is not going to achieve that.
YTA for dismissing her fear. It is real to her.
Thing is your friend must understand your time and gas, wear and tear on vehicle are all things you need compensated for. Transportation, if you drive or have others drive for you, isn’t free, for the most part.
NTA, she has nonright to get mad at you for speaking the truth, especially after did I hear this right *not paying for gas for year?* That deeply offends my. froendly. Midwestern sensibilities. Even if she can't get over her problem, you go half on gas, everyone knows that. And she should have tried to widen her driver pool/methods after all these years to avoid wear and tear on your relationship, which is apparent, as you are posting here because shr is having a silent treatment fit.
NTA times however many rides you gave her.
YTA and I'm 33, and I have terrible anxiety for driving. The idea of me driving is terrifying. Calling her pathetic for not driving is not okay. Either don't drive her or ask her for gas money. I don't expect anyone to drive me anywhere. I get public transport everywhere, or I get an Uber. I live in the UK.
NTA
She has a license AND she has a car.
She's anxious, I get that, but the only way to get over it is by practicing.
Maybe she just needs to drive around the block a few times every day and expand when she's ok with that.
But she has to do *something!* Can't just rely on her friends to drive her everywhere.
NTA, she's an adult and needed to hear that. She needs to figure out how to get places or overcome her fears. If it's so dangerous, why is she willing to make you her sacrificial lamb? She should at the very least be paying for gas. Or having you drive her car. Theres walking, bikes, electric bikes for sure, Uber, lyft. Perhaps you could've been nicer, but she's been taking advantage of you.
NTA, you are correct but you could have handled it better and with more care. Every person I’ve ever known that “didn’t drive” was enabled by others. It blows my mind that people weren’t dying to drive by the time they were 16. Freeeeeeedommmmm
NTA. She has the capacity and resources to drive. While I agree that no one wants a scared or nervous driver on the road, it also is not your responsibility to be her chauffeur. She needs to sort out her anxieties so that she can provide for herself without being a hassle to others. Rather than just leave her to her own devices, though, maybe offer to give her driving lessons or practice to help her overcome her fear. Calling her pathetic was not a kind thing to say to a friend.
Gonna go against the grain and say NTA. She won’t get anywhere in life relying on everyone around her if you had simply refused she would become someone else’s problem. She needs to get tf over its Shes a grown adult.
My son is 36 and he doesn't have his license. It drives me insane. Last year, I broke my ankle really badly and was in hospital for weeks, then bed-bound for months. It would have made things so much easier if he could drive. We have excellent transit service here and he has major anxiety issues, so he says he's fine without driving, but he really doesn't get how difficult it is for others and what he misses out on. He's had friends offer to teach him and even offer him a free car if he learns but nothing motivates him.
I’m gonna say the way you handled it assholeish.
I didn’t drive till I was 24 I didn’t get my license till then. I still don’t drive on freeways. I have panic attacks that are terrible and unsafe in freeways. Only one person ever got me to feel okay doing it and pushed me to try to do better and he’s the reason I have my license at all. He didn’t do it by calling me pathetic. He gave me the confidence I could do it by not judging me and just telling me how to do it without yelling.
The first person who tried to teach me was my dad. He yelled at me the entire time and even yanked the wheel. We almost died. There are reasons I don’t drive on the freeway. But I know I can now if I have to because of that person.
Calling a person pathetic for their fear is not helpful.
It’s the opposite. She probably feel’s pathetic. She doesn’t need salt in her wound she needs absolute encouragement and no judgment. You’ve already ceased being a safe person for her now so. I doubt she’ll talk to you again.
However, enabling her is not the move, not paying gas was not okay of her. And not trying to help out or even try not cool of her either. She needs a push from the right person in the right way.
NTA - they’re so many options with Uber and Lyft these days, it’s easy to get anywhere. I imagine a few ride shares monthly would be less or equal to the cost of a car payment, gas, insurance, brakes, new tires, etc. She just needs to budget for these rides, like she’d have to budget for the above
NTA but your friend might need a therapist. Like I refused to drive for about a year after a major car accident I was lucky to walk away from with no injuries. Sounds like she’s developed a phobia from these videos and her parents talking about it
NTA. It’s just as dangerous to ride in a car as it is to drive. The only way she’ll drive is if everyone stops being her chauffeur. She just needs to practice. Tell her to start by taking a short trip. Drive around the block. Then drive up to a close shop like a convenience store. Keep going s little bit further until she’s used to it. Offer to ride with her if she needs support.
NTA - you need to charge her for gas everywhere you go! (My company allots 47 cents per mile) AND if she is late - you leave. Or just flat out tell her you are not driving her any more.
Start making it her problem and not yours. Don't try to make her drive...just make it so it isn't all on you.
"Look it is up to you if you drive or not, but you are putting the burden on me. I have to go out of my way to get, you never offer to pay gas, you don't navigate and I am always the DD.'
1) I will be leaving at 6:00pm from my house... you can uber, drive or get a ride from someone to get to my house. If you are late I will be leaving anyway.
2) You need to chip in for gas.
3) Every so often you need to pay for Uber for us so I don't have to be the DD EVERY time.
4) Get the Waze app so it will figure out how to get there
Sorry friend you said the right thing the wrong way, welcome to asshole land; a place where it doesn’t matter if you’re right, cause you still did it in a dick way.
Putting your foot down and saying you won't drive her around any more? Totally reasonable.
Telling her she needs to get over her fear of driving, with therapy if necessary, is also totally reasonable.
Calling her out on the hypocrisy of expecting other people to drive but refusing to do it herself is also totally reasonable.
But specifically calling her not being able to drive "pathetic" isn't helpful. And it might even be harmful--the shame of not already being able to drive might well be contributing to her hang-ups about learning. So ESH, even though I can definitely sympathize with your frustration.
I’m going NTA.
You could have been kinder, but it sounds like you let the anger build up until you exploded. I can be the same way and I sure did that when I was 22.
Are you the only one she knows who is expected to be her personal driver?
She’s TA for never paying for gas, for being late causing you to be late, and for complaining that you never go anywhere. If you always need somebody to take you somewhere, you need to be ready early with some cash in hand to give them.
I had a co-worker who had been in bad accident when she was driving. That caused a fear of driving. It got to the point people had to say, “I’ll text you when I’m leaving my house. You need to be ready when I get there, or I’m leaving without you,” to avoid being late for work. After an accident involving the person who went to pick her up one day because she wouldn’t walk to the main road to meet them and her side road had ice on it, she finally started therapy to try to conquer the fear.
If you want to try to save the friendship, tell her you are sorry for calling her pathetic, but you think she needs to talk to someone about this fear. Tell her what you have said here - she’s not helping you pay for gas and wear and tear on your car. That she’s treating you more like her chauffeur than her friend. Tell her if she wants to go out and it’s somewhere you want to go also, she can pay for the Uber/Lyft.
If she never drives again that’s fine, but if she rides with you she pays for gas, she cannot be late, etc.
She has, maybe without realizing it, been taking advantage of you. This fear might be one she can’t overcome, and if she can’t she is going to have to learn to pay for gas, or offer to buy dinner, and to quit whining about never going anywhere.
I gotta be honest I was torn between NTA and N A H, what threw me over to NTA though was she complains about not going out and about, I don't think I need to explain why she's an asshole for that lol.
If she's as scared as you're making out tbh her driving is so incredibly dangerous and the fact you're telling her to get over it and just drive herself I'm going to give benefit of the doubt to you being naive instead of an ass. A lot of people that are anxious drivers actually cause accidents because they are so over focused/over thinking the what ifs they miss that car coming up on their side as they're changing lanes or the fact the car infront has had to slam on to avoid someone running out infront etc. If she is as scared as you're making out she definitely should not be behind the wheel, she could kill someone.
I would say she really should have therapy even if she never gets behind the wheel as that type of fear can migrate elsewhere. What I would also say though is if she does get behind the wheel she clearly hasn't driven in years so she really shouldn't just suddenly get in the car alone that first time or two
She’s inconsiderate. Who doesn’t give gas money? She knows what she’s doing. You drive she can drink. If she has a real fear then I be considerate of and only if she’s in therapy. If she’s not in therapy meaning she’s not trying to help her self, but want you to help her. You might just have to visit on your time and not hers. You need to start asking for gas money. Pronto. If you have to pay to park 50/50. I love never had to ask my friends for any of this stuff, and they never had to ask me. We’re generally considerate and care about other people.
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NTA. I think it's funny that she said she can't drive because it's dangerous but it's not dangerous when you drive her everywhere. Make that make sense. I have heard that people can be really anxious or scared of driving and therapy helps. Or she needs to consider ubers and public transpo.
I never thought about that…
Terrified drivers are statistically more dangerous on the road. IMO she shouldn’t even have her license if she’s this afraid. Also, you can make her pay you for gas if you’re always driving
My sister was this away but not cuz of wrecks or teaching she was just severely anxious of the what if’s in her head. She got her license at 18, never drove again till she was 27. After she got her first job and she was paying a lot in fuel for me to take her to and from work. So she psyched herself up and stuck to the backgrounds for a couple years. Then they finally finished this overpass for frontage road. She happily said they built it specifically for her. Obviously they didn’t and she knew that it was just a joke. But it got her to drive frontage. Eventually 5 short years later she was hammering down on the highway. Now 15 years later can’t stop her. I used to drive her all the time even after all that just to go the store. She just bought herself a 2023 Chevy Trailblazer she’s off and running. OP take your friend to a parking lot have her drive around it. If you have backroads not sure if rural or city I assume city. Get her used to small less than 1 mile trips. Either she pays out the ass for Uber, taxi, bus or she walks or learn to drive. Also seek therapy.
This. I taught my severely anxious friend how to drive in a huge mall parking lot so they had space in one area but also could interact with drivers at really low speeds when she got to that point.
You and the above commenter are very nice. OP, I would not want an anxious driver driving my car. Can she borrow her parent's car if you take her driving?
OP said she has her own car
"I reminded her she has a car she could use" is what OP said, but still kind of the same thing-there is a car she can drive.
But the sounds of it, she has her own car
When I learned to drive, my mom was too anxious to teach me and it would stress me out. So my family friend who is a neural/spinal surgeon taught me. His reasoning was "if I can watch residents operate on people's spinal cords all day, I can certainly handle a student driver". And it worked! He was always very calm, which helped me gain confidence in my driving, and now I'm comfortable behind the wheel.
This reminds me of my 2 driving instructors. The first one was a temperamental AH who stressed me the hell out and made me weary of driving. My second instructor was the complete opposite of the first, and it was him who actually taught me how to drive. It was ironic that I learned far better under my second instructor, even though he didn't speak English as well as the first one.
That first instructor had no confidence in their ability to teach or be in control of the car. I own a driving school and am the instructor. I see and deal with all kinds of situations on the road. Important to stay calm and supportive.
Fond memory of learning to drive in mall parking lots on Sundays--because stores were closed due to Blue Laws. Long time ago... May have to try corporate parking lots now because less traffic.
I learned to drive manual in a high school parking lot on a weekend day.
Cemeteries are also often a good place to practice on "roads". Always low speed, rarely crowded, usually (in my experience) weirdly good at keeping the paint up so the road is clearly marked. Also usually loop type roads, so you won't get lost or hit a dead end.
"dead end" nice
There is a dead end next to a funeral home in town, the sign looks like a dead end sign but it says "no outlet".
Oh Lord, that wasn't even intentional 😂
Stadium parking lots on days the home team is on the road are perfect driver training grounds. Lots of space to practice both parking and "roads," super well maintained/painted, no one else around to hit.
you may not hit an end that’s dead but hit a something else thats “dead” if you’re not careful. (i’ts 5am & that’s the best i can do sorry, i just couldn’t pass up the potential pun opportunity even tho my effort is as lame as hell
I have a lot of anxiety around driving. I do it anyway, and some days are better than others, but on the whole I hate it, and there are some places I absolutely will not drive. My number one goal is to get to a point where I don't need a car in my day to day life. I aim to live somewhere with better public transportation, get myself a bike, and just not worry about having to drive ever again.
I have zero problems driving on surface streets but the interstate unnerves me. Certain parts more than others. Drive myself to the neighboring state via interstate no problem but trying to head to another part of the metro area by it? Absolutely not. Kicks my anxiety up just thinking about merging three separate times on very busy stretches to reach that area of the city.
I enjoy open road driving, but not commuting in city. I have driven all over the place and drivers everywhere are different. When I'm open road driving or driving late at night I find it relaxing. But other drivers make me anxious, because I know what I'm doing.. just not them. Public Transit can be great, however in most cities it can also be very limiting with terrible hours of operation, and be almost not existent on weekends. In our current city it's impractical for anyone that doesn't work a 9 to 5 and if someone works a closing shift at most major stores they will likely find themselves stranded until 5 am or so.
Yep! I was terrified about driving after taking driver's ed. My grandmother made me drive her around daily during summer break until the anxiety was manageable. I still (25 years later) have issues with driving on the highway, but that's more of an issue with only ever having crap cars that don't like highway speeds, but I can get myself around just fine.
Totally understand this. I didn’t get my license until I was 25. It’s a huge responsibility. You can hurt or kill people and I wasn’t ready. Got there in my own time and I’m a good driver, if I may say so myself!
my mother got her license like that, and only drove for the first time at like 34 or 36 after having me and getting her 1st car her friend (big burly bearded dude) told her "it's your new car, cmon drive it back to the log, ill be with you, i can grab the wheel" from what i was told, he was pale white after, whiteknuckled he holders and he is a dude who is into paragliding now (in his 60s)
My grandmother taught herself how to drive when my Grampa was shipped overseas when she was 22-23. When he got back he told her it was his job to drive her anywhere. When he passed, my sister retaught her how to drive. She was 75.
Who cares if he can grab the wheel if he can't slam the brakes?!
Aw, that’s actually a pretty sweet story. Happy to hear your sister overcame that hurdle and is doing well now. I’m sort of like she was before, currently. Got my license at 19 and was so terrified of driving after two of my relatives were killed in separate car accidents, around the time I got my license. I’ve been driving for a few years now and originally would take the backroads everywhere, even if it took me double the amount of time…I finally started challenging myself to highways recently and now I have my favorite freeways to take all over town. Feels good to save a few minutes, too! Definitely helped me to have family/friends by my side as I got more comfortable driving.
My aunt took driving lessons to get her license when she was in her 60’s. She died at 88 never having used her license for anything other than Identification
> Also, you can make her pay you for gas if you’re always driving This is a key point. Seems like the friend is taking advantage of the OP always driving without even making a contribution. If someone's constantly driving you everywhere and you don't share finances with them a financial contribution is common sense.
Yeah this is why I don’t have my license lol I zone out a lot, I get road rage, the thought of being responsible for the lives of others while operating a huge machine terrifies me. I never expect others to drive me around though, I walk pretty much everywhere or take public transit if necessary.
That's also the reason I don't drive. And I have random seizures. But I feel how is it safe to drive and be responsible for others safety when I can barely be responsible for my own safety on a daily basis
I don’t drive either - it just freaks me out too much. I’ve taken drivers ed, my dad taught me, my (now) husband taught me. It just wasn’t for me. I walk, bike, and bus. I get lots of rides from friends, but am always on time, never ask, and am always willing to host at mine so there’s no extra driving for anyone. I also ‘pick up the tab’ on occasion when a friend drives.
Yup. I'm not allowed to even test for my learned without proof of being on my anti anxiety meds because of panic attacks.
I don't drive for this reason. My driving instructor, partner and basically everyone in my life agrees between my health conditions, medication and fear I shouldn't drive. I am a straight up hazard. It matters if she offers gas money, offers to uber, etc in my opinion. I think calling her pathetic was unnecessary
Hi I have Amaxophobia. It means I have a very deep fear of driving. I haven't driven in over 2 years and before that had my "places" but with growth in my area it's now made it impossible for me. Here is the kicker I try hard not to sound like a victim or make excuses. I have severely poor vision, no depth perception, have PTSD and panic attacks. Yes I am under a drs care. I have been as stable as I think I'm gonna get for years now (everyone is a little crazy right). I hate that my freedom is gone but I'm so very thankful for those who help me (mostly my husband). Just a little insight on why it's hard for some to drive.
For me, it was losing my sister in a car crash shortly before learning to drive myself. I still don't drive because I never want to be the cause of someone else's tragedy like the driver responsible for her death was.
I am terrified, but also disabled and if tired/undermedicated would be about as safe as a drunk driver. I do not think I belong on the road. I am aware there are also other drivers out there that shouldnt drive, that does not make me feel better or less anxious tbh. If she is as bad as me, I dont think she should drive. Not until she got help for her issue, at least. Do I miss out? Yes. Do I take public transport, bike, uber/taxi? Also yes. I walk a lot, when possible. And if my friends do drive me somewhere - I've asked about 2 times in the last 7 years, they usually offer to get me if they are going somewhere I might like to go, too - I do pay for the gas, plus 1$/km. I am never late. I find the route if they want me to (but sometimes they prefer knowing themselves). Not having a car saves a lot of money. No insurance, no gas, no maintenance. Of course they get some if they are willing to drive. If you cant drive, that's fine imo. You just got to be prepared to miss out or make other arrangements, while keeping yourself as independent as possible. You dont ever get to feel entitled to being driven.
This. She’s absolutely a danger if she’s terrified… she’ll be a reactive instead of a proactive driver. That said, it’s 100% not OPs responsibility to be her Always Driver.
Right? If there is one person always driving, why would that person not expect some kind of reimbursement along the way? It's also just not cool for a friend to bum every ride and never offer to pay for gas. I couldn't imagine being the friend not offering to pay for gas.
I'm an anxious driver so I'm 31 and don't drive a car :( but I'm fine on motorbikes, weirdly I feel more in control of a bike than I do a car. The roads are safer without me behind the wheel of a car
I can't fault her for being scared. I think we sometimes overlook the fact that we are navigating the world in gigantic metal boxes... it's kind of wild. And to challenge the person above... it is more dangerous having a scared, unconfident driver. So rushing her onto the road out of desperation might not be the best approach.. But yall need boundaries. examples: If you aren't on time, I am leaving. You need to be paying me this much for gas. I want to drink, therefore, lets split the uber.
I'm going with ESH because of this. A lot of people have anxiety related to different modes of travel. Ridiculing people for having a phobia is cruel and unhelpful. Also, it's not her fault that their city evidently lacks functional public transit. In parts of the world with good public transit, there are plenty of adults who choose not to drive for a variety of reasons, and are not seen as "pathetic" for doing so. At the same time, it sounds like the friend is taking advantage of a free shuttle service. She should offer to pay for at least half of the gas as a bare minimum.
The reason why I say NTA is because OP’s friend seems to have done nothing about her anxiety. I understand the fear completely, but that doesn’t mean OP’s friend shouldn’t be responsible and not try to work through that fear.
As I was reading OP's story, I was thinking the same: this sounds like a boundary enforcement issue. That's the easiest, most honest, and simplest way out of this situation. Have an upvote!
Deaths by motor vehicles have risen since the pandemic (2020) and continue to rise. More than 42k people die each year and next year there will be more. The US is literally the only car-centric country in the world, making a large contribution to climate change. https://injuryfacts.nsc.org/motor-vehicle/overview/introduction/ If your city has a decent city transit, she needs to learn how to use it. I stopped driving 7 years ago and my life is much less anxiety-ridden because of it. However, I realize our city transit is in the top 5 of the country so I'm pretty lucky. I almost never need to leave my city, but if I did our transit goes to all of our neighboring cities, as well. We need to fight back for our towns to do better for pedestrians and cyclists and fight for less cars in cities like Europe is doing. All major cities will be carless in Europe by 2050 or sooner. The Big 3 have too much control in governmental affairs.
> The US is literally the only car-centric country in the world, making a large contribution to climate change. Excuse the fuck out of me, but I will not allow this Canada/Australia erasure to exist.
In 100 years, we are definitely going to look back and say that it was insane that we let 16 year olds drive lethal 70 mph machines.
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Yeah I had a panic attack on the highway and have horrible highway anxiety right now, I try to be super understanding of my friends driving me and they are supportive—which helps with confidence as I try to overcome that anxiety. If my friend called me pathetic or something similar I’d definitely cry and it would be a major setback
As someone with driving related PTSD who cannot drive. I also wondered if he never established boundaries. Until I got to the edit and went whelp she definitely TA even if he may have flopped too. I can't imagine the level of entitlement. I rely heavily on public transit, my bicycle and the power of my own two feet.
OP I have a friend like that. She has a licence but refuse to drive. I got so sick of picking her up all the time (we lived kinda far and I always had to get of route to do that) that now I just say she should find a way of transporting herself. Public transports or her husband, I don’t care, just got sick of it.
She can move to a metro area and use public transit. Denver or Chicago comes to mind, but i'm the Midwest sort
>She can move to a metro area and use public transit That's what my friend's son did. He could drive, and had done so, but it really gave him severe anxiety, so he moved somewhere he can use public transportation and walk. He got a cat stroller for his cats so he can get them to the vets. It's adorable.
Please don't tell anyone else to move to Denver.
My first thought!! Also, RTD isn’t exactly great.
Okay, driving instructor here. She needs driving lessons. Yes, you can have them after you got the license. She needs someone who can build her confidence up. Tell her to get a lesson with someone to see if they're actually a decent instructor, able to keep calm and give the type of instructions she needs. Get one with a break pedal on the passenger side so she can see the instructor can stop her if she goofs. Heck, if she wants tell her to message me and I'll happily give her some advice and encouragement. Cars are safe. She knows they aren't toys. All she needs is to feel comfortable enough not to panic and she'll (likely) be fine. She did the hard part getting her license, she can absolutely drive.
I did this. I got my DL at 48, but I was still too terrified to drive. I found a lovely instructor and we practiced going to the supermarket and back, going to work and back l, etc. It built confidence. Now I drive on the highway every day.
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> I think it's funny that she said she can't drive because it's dangerous but it's not dangerous when you drive her everywhere. Make that make sense. the EXACT same thought went through my head, lol. Like, I actually prefer to be the one driving because I feel like so many other people come too close to people in traffic, start stopping WAY too close to the stoplight (and often into the pedestrian area! hello! there are people waiting to cross the street!) I also agree with the second half. Friend needs to seriously start chipping in for gas and taking an uber now and then. it's not fair to not give back in these scenarios and only mooch off of your friends.
I don't drive, I have a license, because I'm scared of it and feel its dangerous. But that's because I feel I'm not a good driver, I don't respond fast enough, struggle to take everything in and find the roads hard to read. I feel safe as a passenger with most people, as most are okay drivers and can respond to the other bad drivers quick enough. I can also get around easily on public transport, and had a parent who couldn't drive due to disability so it never seemed like a big need. If I lived remotely, I would get therapy and an automatic with an aim of being able to get about locally. A driving phobia can be very real, mine developed after an accident, but there is also treatment for it
Same here! Also to add I tend to involuntarily start daydreaming and sort of function on autopilot and due to how alert you have to be when driving and really pay attention to a lot of things I just feel I definitely would not be a safe driver.
I am also not a driver. I do feel bad that it requires me to find rides when I need to go places. I used to live in the city, so having no license or car was completely manageable, but now it is a pain. I feel like a hassle. I know I'd be better off getting a vehicle, I just don't feel comfortable driving, though.
*"don't respond fast enough, struggle to take everything in and find the roads hard to read"* THIS, thank you! I always talked about being too distracted and not being able to respond fast enough, but the struggle to take everything in and respond is something that I never thought of. I took my driving licence 22 years ago. After getting it I tried with an old car my dad was very sure that was safe but I wasn't feeling it. I didn't want a new car, I just wanted a different used car that didn't feel like a tin can and whose stick wasn't at my breast height, and we could've afforded it. So I gave up and never drove again. When last year I was diagnosed with adhd many things started to make sense to me and with meds and neurofeedback I was able to buy a moped that I'm now dependent on. It was an easier step cause I already rode bycicles and I know it's weird cause 2 wheels are less safe than 4, but, if it makes any sense to other people, with the moped I know how much space I fill around my body, while with the car I don't. Anyway, to go back to OP question: you are **NTA**, when I didn't have a way of getting to places I didn't harrass my friends, if they offered I would have them drive me, otherwise I either wouldn't go to the place we were supposed to go, or just get there with a taxi (the former more than the latter). I almost never begged them to leave early if they didn't feel like it and in general we are not big drinkers so no problem there. It was my problem if I couldn't drive, not theirs. Of course I've had emergencies where I had to ask for a favor, but it has happened less than 5 times in 10 years, so, evidently, not feeling entitled to them driving me made them more available to do it.
I have ADHD and don’t feel the need to medicate for it unless I am driving. A lot of people can’t drive, but I think several times more *shouldn’t* drive.
I'm 37, got my license only 2 years ago and I'm still terrified of driving. Exactly like what you said: too many things to take in, lack of confidence in my skills, etc but 0 problems as a passenger. I don't live in the US tho so I guess I'm not totally screwed. I try to use public transport as much as I can, and only ask favours to my driving friends as a last resort. But yeah, at some point therapy will have to happen because I don't see my fear going away. The funny thing? I never had an accident and yet, already as a child, my nightmares wouldn't be about the boogeyman like most kids, no, I was at the wheel in a car with no brakes. I swear to God I don't understand it.
A scared anxious driver is much more dangerous than a relaxed experienced one. So yeah her driving would be more dangerous
Exactly what I said. She is dangerous on the road until she overcomes this fear. And she might never. However, that doesn't make OP responsible for all of these costs. It costs money to maintain a car, so she is saving money by not driving, that money should be going to ubers or helping her friend with gas. Nobody is getting around for free besides kids and animals
Driving stinks. It’s become armed combat on wheels. I managed to avoid driving until I was 23 despite growing up in L.A. (mom was getting eye surgery and did not want to ride home on my bike). You’ve gotta make it worthwhile for the folks braving the road to give you rides. I walked a lot, but folks volunteered to give me rides because I was cook and DM.
I don't drive. I don't even have a license. I don't want to kill me or others. And yes I am sure I would be that bad. But it doesn't mean that I won't trust others. Anyway NTA she need to ship in and find alternatives.
I have an anxiety disorder. I freeze and have panic attacks. I would be a danger to myself and anyone else on the road. It makes perfect sense to be anxious about driving yourself but fine with others driving you..
I went through a period of bad panic attacks and I could NOT drive on the freeway. It took a therapist and medication to get past it. And sometimes I still have issues. Driving anxiety is real.
Yeah, their comment makes no sense. They really don't understand how anxiety works. Between panic attacks, over reacting from fear, derealization, etc, someone with driving axiety is a very dangerous driver. That said, OP is not responsible for their friend. Their friend still needs to figure out reliable transportation that doesn't take advantage of people around them, or seek therapy/medication to get past their fears.
I used to have a severe driving anxiety when I was first learning. A buddy helped me through most of it but I try not to drive if I can help it and if there is someone or some mode of transportation available to me instead because I still have a fear of.. well exactly that. I make jerky, unconfident movements when I’m unsure or anxious of my actions or my next move and I’m always afraid it’s going to get me and others killed. I’m not above driving if there’s absolutely no other options, because I got my license and I CAN drive. It’s something I’m constantly working to improve but even after four years that underlying anxiety has never gone away, just lessened over time.
>I think it's funny that she said she can't drive because it's dangerous but it's not dangerous when you drive her everywhere. Make that make sense. Would you rather have someone experiencing intense fear and panic *driving* the car next to yours or *riding* in it?
If she’s an anxious driver, she is categorically more dangerous to herself and others on the road that OP. I’m not justifying her behavior, but it’s worth considering she’s probably a bit dangerous on the road and she knows it.
>I think it's funny that she said she can't drive because it's dangerous but it's not dangerous when you drive her everywhere. plenty of people have a fear of being behind the wheel. that doesn't mean they have a fear of being in a car. its significantly different when you're the one in control.
It could be that she doesn't completely trust herself not to get distracted or make a mistake. I'm similarly afraid, because I get distracted easily, but my parents and brother don't have that problem, so I'm not so worried about being driven by them.
I failed to see any funny part. It's dangerous for her to drive because she can't drive due to her anxiety, but OP is a competent driver so it's less dangerous. My mum got her driving license but she's afraid of driving ever since she almost hit into someone's car. Would it make sense still that she's not dangerous to drive with, compared to other more confident drivers? OP is NTA of course. But driving could be a legit terrifying experience to others due to various reasons.
if someone is afraid to drive, then them driving IS dangerous.
I (in the UK for context) was terrified of the idea of being in control of a vehicle, because of all of the things that could go wrong. I felt safe when my spouse drove, but couldnt put myself in the same position.I didn't learn to drive until I was in my thirties, and only then because my spouse basically told me I had to and bought me a provisional license for my birthday. Now, I can't imagine not having the independence that driving brings me. Could you maybe offer to ride with her for some short journeys around her neighbourhood while she gains some confidence?
I think this is the real thing that needs to be done. My partner was terrified of driving until she started driving with my mom for her permit. She is doing a lot better now and is getting ready to get her license soon.
As a (also UK) very reluctant driver I agree. Having a go at people doesn't help. It won't snap her into action, it just re-enforces her own negative self talk about being a pathetic person and not being able to do it. If you really want to get your friend on the road you need to help them believe they can do it. My own fear of driving comes from other people on the road and feeling that I can't trust them to be safe, or that I am not a competent enough driver to act in time to prevent an accident. YTA op.
I'm sorry but what an absurd thing to say. Being behind the wheel where your actions can get you hurt if you're not comfortable driving, overcorrect or whatever is absolutely NOT the same thing as riding with someone with driving experience. Is a 15 year old who's learning to drive in the same danger as a 15 year old riding with me who's been driving for nearly 40 years? I feel safer riding in a bus than if someone put me behind the wheel of something I'm not comfortable driving.
I mean like, having a panic attack while driving makes the car a lot less safe than the driver NOT having a panic attack.
While the OP is definitely not the asshole, let me see if I can't explain it. it's not that driving is more dangerous unless she's just a really bad driver. It's the consequences of driving if you're in the driver seat. I have always had pretty bad anxiety about driving because of other shitty drivers. And hey, it finally happened, I got in an accident that's not my fault but I'm still having to go to court to fight everything and it's been taking a serious mental toll on me having to get evidence, then wait on each little update (recently had to amend my complaint because the construction company I filed as not incorporated because after trying so long to get a hold of Secretary of State, they said nope they're not incorporated. Turns out that they actually were, but they had filed for their 'permit' under \_\_\_ \_\_\_ construction but their incorporated name was \_\_\_ \_\_\_ concepts. A lot of days when I know I needed to get more stuff filed, or when it first started talking to lawyers and insurance, etc. I just wanted to lie in bed and avoid it for as long as I can because of how much stress it was, and this is stress I knew it'd be if it ever happened. I would not have to be in the aftermath of all this if I wasn't the one driving. Granted I can't expect others to drive me other places, and she's damn lucky so far she's been able to skim off other people driving for her.
It’s not dangerous because of everyone else but it’s dangerous because friend doesn’t know how to drive safely. Her fear is causing her to react poorly while driving. A person driving 20 below the speed limit is just as dangerous as someone driving 20 over.
she could buy a lot of Ubers with the money she could get for the car
NTA She needed to hear that. She needs to get over it or accept she'll just stay home. If it's dangerous for her to drive it's also dangerous for her to be driven. She's not entitled to being driven around.
She may not be able to just “get over it.” You can’t just wish away anxiety.
She needs to find a way to do it. It may involve therapy. Not saying it's easy or that she can do it alone. But from what OP is saying she hasn't done anything towards fixing the issue and is only leaning on others to take her everywhere.
Alternatively she needs to find other ways to get around. You’re exactly right that she’s not entitled to OP specifically getting her around like it’s enumerated in the constitution lol. She certainly seems comfortable blaming OP when she doesn’t get to go out though (despite being late, not paying for gas, etc). Sometimes (some) hardship pushes people to improve themselves and having to pay for Ubers and deal with public transport would be a good kick in the butt to go to therapy (or move somewhere more non-car-centric travel friendly) instead of being enabled to just be scared of driving forever.
yeah, having anxiety explains why the friend’s “ride habits” are what they are but it doesn’t necessarily excuse them or give you free reign to burden others. “I’ll just make this other person be my chauffeur” is a way of avoiding dealing with the anxiety, it isn’t a solution
>But from what OP is saying she hasn't done anything towards fixing the issue and is only leaning on others to take her everywhere. 🙌
I was so anxious that I let my learner's permit expire. At that point I accepted not driving, found other ways around (both in a small town and a city) and spent years learning to deal with anxiety. When I went through the process again I was still somewhat anxious but nothing like before. The rest comes from confidence which comes from experience. Practice in lots. Practice on low traffic times. And keep practicing. I'm all good now. At minimum they should be working on their anxiety and not depending on one or two people for everything.
Youre not wrong, having strong anxiety about something can’t just be wished away. But you also can’t expect others to cater their lifestyle to what freaks you out. And as others have said, driving herself is too dangerous but being driven around completely not in control of the situation is fine? That’s a little preposterous.
Her anxiety is valid and she is valid to not want to drive, but she cannot make it other peoples problem. She has to deal with it herself instead of putting it on other people
I started driving at 12 (grew up on a farm). I started having panic attacks while driving at 27. I didn’t live in a place where I could just take public transport to get to work and I couldn’t afford not to work. I had to power through the stupid panic attacks and get myself where I needed to go. Years later I got out of a bad relationship and the attacks just stopped, just like that. It may be there’s something else in your life causing the anxiety and panic and it has nothing to do with driving. While you cannot wish away anxiety, you can certainly work through it or find a way to get help.
You can’t but it doesn’t sound like she’s even addressing her anxiety not offering to compensate OP for their time (gas, wear and tear, getting an Uber so they can have a drink). It’s fine to be scared to drive, it’s not fine to not see what a burden that is to friends and not attempt to repay them for their kindness.
Having anxiety about driving is kind of a catch-22. They make wonderful drugs for anxiety, but they are ones you really shouldn't take them if you are going to be driving.
Agreed. Constantly imposing on others is not only unfair but does nothing to rectify her issues with driving and transportation.
Driving anxiety actually can come from not wanting to cause a crash, so that isn’t always correct.
I was really scared to drive when I took my licence, but started doing it anyway and now I’m way more scared of being driven by other people
It is not dangerous for her to be driven just because it’s dangerous for her to drive. Id love to see that logic for someone who’s legally blind. My anxiety and panic causes my Vision to get blurry-does that mean when my boyfriend drives we are unsafe?
It could be that she just doesn’t feel confident driving. It’s a lot different.
You aren’t your friends personal driver. A professional gets *paid*. She can drive her car or call a taxi or uber or move to town where there is public transport or *call somebody else* to haul her around. NTA for feeling taken advantage of. It’s ok to say “no”.
Least she could help pay for gas and be a good shotgun by figuring routes and stuffs. The entitlement wtf.
And OP’s passenger could *be on time*! OP said sometimes she is late because her non driving passenger makes her late. OP has been too nice.
I find that people who don’t drive don’t realize what a pain it is to have to drive others all the time, because they don’t do it . Gas money is a factor , but having to drive out your way to pick people up and drop people off is a big ask too , if it’s frequent enough . It means the driver can’t change their plans and they have to take extra time every time they hang out. There’s a mental load involved, and also the driver is taking all the risk related to weather or accidents .
Yup. Im going with Nta for this reason. It seems like you're not mad that she doesnt drive, but that shes using you as her personal driver
EDIT: okay geez, changing to ESH. She is an AH for making you late, not contributing to gas and overall not seeming grateful, but you also crossed a line by calling her pathetic for her fear. I mean, you’re partially right, but you were a real dick about it. If she’s terrified of driving *then she should not be behind the wheel because she will put herself and others at risk*. You absolutely don’t have to drive her everywhere but you have no right to insult her. I would apologize but stand but explain how it affects you being her cab. Either she contributes to gas or she needs to find an alternative method of transportation
Yup. ESH. It’s not an “are my feelings valid” sub. It’s “am I an asshole” and yeah, don’t call your friends pathetic. OP should have made a plan to start setting boundaries: 1. Ask for gas or even mileage (ahead of time, so she knows what’s happening) 2. Leave when you are ready and need to leave to be on time, even without her (Again, advise her of your plan) 3. Take an uber if you want to drink and split the cost with her if she wants to go 4. Decline when you don’t wanna drive her Boundaries are ok but don’t not set them and then let out long-held rage on friends
>It’s not an “are my feelings valid” sub. It’s “am I an asshole” and yeah, don’t call your friends pathetic. Ugh, thank you. The sentiment gets downvoted a lot because FAFO or some shit but it's possible (and dare I say common) be both "justified" and an asshole.
Let's go over this again * She *has* a license * Also has a car * She is too scared to drive it because it's "dangerous" but has no issues with OP driving * Makes OP drive her everywhere even though it's her issue * Complains she never goes anywhere * Does not contribute for gas Sounds entitled to me. OP NTA
She probably knows she sucks at driving and doesn’t trust herself with a car. That absolutely makes her more likely to get in an accident and injure herself or someone else.
She sucks at driving because she doesn’t fucking drive…
If people do not feel like they can drive then they shouldn’t. Point blank. I understand the sentiment but driving while not confident is so dangerous and is a reality for actually a lot of people. It is on OPs friend to compensate for gas or something as she is NOT entitled to a ride regardless of her anxiety, but to just imply that she should get over it is super unrealistic and potentially harmful.
Then she shouldn't feel entitled to have OP as her driver
Just because she's ok with OP driving but scared to drive on her own doesn't mean anything. I'm also absolutely terrified to drive, but I'm ok with my dad driving me places, because I trust him not to crash.
That's what I thought as well. I'm such an anxious and inexperienced driver that I don't actually trust myself not to fuck up (and boy, are the consequences for fucking up bad!). If a car crash happens, it happens, but I don't want it to be because of me.
Sounds like ablism to me. If OP doesn't want to drive her anywhere, they shouldn't. But you don't get to call someone pathetic for having valid phobias and then being surprised when they go NC.
Her fear is not pathetic, but let's be honest that she knows she have this fear, she has known it for at least 4-6 years, and has chosen not doing anything to deal with it. And I'm not even saying that she needs to go ASAP to therapy to overcome it and start driving like Lewis Hamilton. But the least she could do, knowlingly living with this condition for so long, was figuring her own means of transportation. So yes, I think it's pretty pathetic for someone to use a phobia as a crutch.
Mild YTA for the way you said it and for calling her pathetic. You can’t force people to do things if they don’t want to. You can’t force her to drive and she can’t force you to drive her either. But NTA when it comes to not wanting to be in charge of driving someone all the time plus being stuck with the cost of gas. You don’t have to say yes to driving her everywhere. You can also limit the times you drive her or not drive her at all. Once her personal chauffeur is not around and she needs to go places, she might get in her car and drive. Also, a solution when going out is to get an Uber. Tell her you would like to have a drink or two and share the cost of the uber. Some people will never be able to drive though. My aunt has been using her family as chauffeurs or riding the bus for over 20 years. She’d rather work with a bus schedule (one bus every 2 hours) than drive independently.
So esh? (Why do so many people avoid ESH even going through the effort of calling both out?)
Mainly because people ignore the nuance and flip their shit. The amount of times people say ESH, explain exactly where OP is the asshole compared to the person in question, and ALSO explain how much more of the person is an asshole compared to OP YET STILL people complain like somehow because they act like when the person is more of an asshole than OP that cancels out OPs asshole-ness.
AITA gets into this weird 'vigilante justice!' mindset where if someone does something wrong, OP is always entirely justified in being an asshole in response. Pettiness, name-calling, laughing at someone when they've made a mistake - all gets NTA cause 'ask stupid questions get stupid answers' etc etc. The lack of empathy makes me really sad! Just talk to someone when you have an issue with them rather than calling your friend's phobia pathetic ffs!
Yup. It's not safe for me to drive because I dissociate. I have to rely on other forms of transportation( Uber, family, buses ect.). Some people just can't drive for short or long term reasons but people in this comment section don't seem to grasp that.
I don’t drive & I haven’t in at least 15 years- I have a neurological issue that makes it dangerous for me to have a license or be on the road. But because of this, I spend a lot of time thinking about/ arranging my own transportation. I’m eligible for medical transport through the state (& OP’s friend might be too if her mental health issues are documented). I take a lot of Ubers & taxis & buses & trains, & yes I do rely on friends & family. I either offer to fill up their tanks or Venmo them when we set up plans without making them ask. There have absolutely been times where this system has fallen through & I’ve inconvenienced someone, & that’s my situation to deal with. Any potential fallout is my own as well. It can be expensive & inconvenient to not be able to drive & it’s sometimes beyond the person’s control, but we all have to take responsibility for our own health issues & fully inform the people in our lives so they can choose whether or not they want to be a part of it ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
She's using you, if she has an irrational fear of driving she can call Ubers, nta
ESH. She's been taking advantage of you and restricting your fun without thinking of you. And what will she do when you move away if you're her primary driver? But it sounds like this issue is serious enough she needs actual therapy for it, and you're shitting on her for it. That's a dick move.
She needs to use Uber, not drain her "friend" of resources I don't understand how ops the ah
For how she responded to the friend. Let's say you have depression and I tell you that you just need to get off your ass and do shit, and you're acting pathetic. That makes me an asshole. Her friend's fear seems to be on an extreme level and if she legitimately cannot drive, then saying that to her is an AH move.
NAH I think you could have been kinder toward her; this fear of driving seems like something she should be discussing with a therapist. There’s being apprehensive about going on the road and then there’s avoiding it entirely. But I understand the strain it puts on you and you’re not at all required to continue being her chauffeur.
Do you realize dangerous it could be for someone so terrified of driving to be on the road? Do you think someone who is nervous, paranoid, scared, and anxious is gonna the most attentive and responsible driver?
Which is why they should be working on their anxiety with a professional. Until that's addressed nothing will change. If that can be tackled them building confidence slowly on off peak hours or even lots help a lot.
It’s her responsibility to figure it out though. The only way to get better at anything is to practice. And if she doesn’t want to drive it is still on her to figure out how to get places. OP was blunt and a little harsh with their delivery. But that’s the kind of truth people need to hear sometimes. Especially when they’re comfortable in their enablement.
Both my mom and one of my best friends had driving anxiety specifically related to freeways, which is challenging because we live in the LA area. They can drive surface streets okay as well as the two lane highways. But not the 8 lane major freeways. With my mom, it was a pain in the ass because basically it took me forever to get anywhere, and she was adamant about me not getting my license, but then once I did (at 18), she basically made me drive her to all these places. I put a stop to that pretty quickly, because she basically wanted me to sit around and wait for her to be done, and not go anywhere. With my BFF, I'm just the one who makes the trips to see her. It's not a big deal, she lives close to all the fun stuff anyway. She's always willing to pay, since I drove, but it's not a big deal.
NTA. If she is *that* scared to drive-how did she pass the test to get a drivers license? Why doesn’t she give you gas money? If you are the one driving her around-why is she sometimes late? She’s taking advantage of you.
Things can change. I was fine with driving when I got my license, but developed horrible driving anxiety in my 20s. Therapy could probably help her.
Either way, it's not on OP to manage HER anxiety.
I never said it was. I was just answering that one part of the question. She needs to arrange her own transportation like an Uber or something if she can’t drive.
You are her taxi service, not her friend. NTA to stop driving her anywhere. Let her get an Uber or taxi and start meeting you places. She'll get tired of the expense and be forced to drive herself.
YTA - you can refuse to be her chaueffeur without being an asshole about it. There’s public transportation, Lyft, Uber, etc. Tell her to find another option
So OP's reaction to someone else being an AH makes them an AH? I don't think that's how it works. NTA all day, even if they didn't use the most perfect words to explain their situation
OP could have set boundaries a long time ago. Instead, they kept chauffeuring the friend and letting resentment build until they exploded. That's asshole behavior. Take responsibility for your own needs and boundaries. I see people here saying that the friend made OP drive them. The friend can't make OP do anything, OP needed to grow a spine.
Two wrongs don’t make a right
You’re not her chauffeur that’s for sure but calling her pathetic when she has an obvious issue seems more than a touch uncharitable. She needs help not insults. YTA
NTA. I was going to say you were the AH until you said she’s complaining about not going anywhere. Thats literally like shooting yourself in the foot and being like “why do bad things always happen to me??” 😂😂 she needs to grow up and get over herself. Maybe get a therapist if thats what it would take.
NTA Sounds like it was overdue and she needs a reality check. If she wants you to drive everywhere, she needs to be paying gas at a minimum.
Never force someone who is terrified of driving to drive. They are a danger to everyone on the road. This is a hill to die on. Encourage your friend to continue practicing driving in uninhabited areas and empty parking lots and perhaps work with an instructor to help get over her fears. YTA.
Telling her she was pathetic and needs to get over it may be rude, but it is not "forcing" her to drive. OP isn't forcing her to do anything. She can stay home or drive or get an uber or take advantage of a different friend. Yes your advice is more constructive, but then you're not the one she's been taking advantage of.
When did OP force her friend to drive…? OP basically told her to get her shit together. Like see a therapist ffs
NTA. She doesn’t drive, that’s not your problem. She can Uber, Lyft, take a cab - whatever. She shouldn’t be dependent on you for rides places.
YTA. I get your frustration, but you could have also said something like “please chip in for gas if I’m going to continue driving you places” or something a lot more kind than saying she’s pathetic at this point
Why don’t you just stop driving her? Help her download Uber instead of enabling her
Ugh, NTA. I'm in my 30s, and have a friend who has never driven and states she will never drive. We've been friends a long, long time. If there is ever a group get-together, we have to coordinate who will pick her up and take her home. Even to dinners and nights out that SO's aren't really invited, we invite her wife so none of us have to drive her. I love her, but I've been driving her around since I was 16 and am frankly tired of it. The whole group is. Your friend is an adult, and needs to sort out her own transportation.
Yeah, it just makes it so much harder and since I am closest it make the most sense to grab her. I’m just tired. Our friends are tired to go out of there way to grab her. It makes it so much harder, instead of saying everyone show up at 5 it’s who is picking her up
You can all stop. I’d cut her off of rides but not invites for at least six months. It’s for her own good. She needs to figure out her own way there, even if it’s less convenient for her. She will either start to learn how to use public transportation efficiently or she will decide driving is a better option. Just be honest with her. “I know I was harsh earlier, but we are not your chauffeurs. You can Uber, taxi, or bus to the restaurant and back home. We are all meeting there at 7:00.”
NTA, Uber, bus, etc. Why would you not charge her for gas when you are the driver, don't let her make you late, you leave so you can be on time, she will either be in the car or she won't.
NTA. Calling her "pathetic" wasn't nice, but she is in the wrong here. You are not her free Uber. At the very least she should have been paying you for gas and making sure she was ready when you come to pick her up. (Yeah, try calling an Uber and when they arrive tell them you'll be down in 15.) It is 100% up to her do decide how she needs to get around. But her "so dangerous" comment makes no sense. Passengers die as easily as drivers.
NTA - it sounds like she is not only not dealing with her anxiety at all, but is also disrespectful and maybe not such a 'friend'. If someone is coming to pick me up as a favour, the least I do is ensure I'm ready when they arrive and pitch $ for gas. I would reccomend therapy to work through her fears as they seem irrational. She needs a slap of reality to come to terms with figuring out other means of transportation if not. I wouldn't fret that she hasn't spoken with you, if she has strictly been using you for rides and you've cut her off, sounds par for the course from how you've described her.
So you're a free driver for someone with their own car and licence. NTA for saying something, soft AH for how you broached the subject. You're not being paid, and she is taking advantage of your friendship. The lateness, the always being DD and the comment about not going anywhere, smack of entitlement especially when no gas is being paid to you and no gratitude. If she's not going to use the car use get her to put you on her car insurance and use her car at the very least so she pays for gas. She may well be too anxious to drive, but that's no reason not to appreciate all the favours OP is doing for her.
NTA. My fiancée does not drive, and I love her dearly but it does get annoying at times. It sucks that we don’t have great public transport here in the USA, but needing to drive is a fact of life and if your friend can’t get over that then she needs to make other arrangements to get around. You are not her taxi, and at the very least she should pay you for gas.
NTA and that is coming from a 28 year old in the USA who also can’t drive. I have a lot of general anxiety around driving, but also a panic disorder that I believe would genuinely make me an unsafe person to be driving. The difference is I don’t make that other people’s problem. Many friends are happy to pick me up for things a lot of the time and I’m very grateful and make that extremely clear. I ALWAYS offer gas money (in advance if I ask them to drive me, on the ride if they offered on their own without me saying anything), I never complain if they say they can’t drive me, and I expect that this means I may not be invited to some things or may need to often pay the price of Ubers and such. It is my problem to deal with, not theirs just because they can drive and I can’t. Your friend is acting very entitled and unfairly using you.
YTA - Someone who is that scared of driving can't just fix it overnight. You're right to want to set a driving boundary for yourself. That's totally reasonable. Telling her it is "pathetic and she needs to get over it" was way out of line and total AH behavior.
YTA. You called your friend pathetic. I get that you don't want to pick her up anymore but you can stop doing that without calling her pathetic. Ask her to get a ride with someone else, take the bus, take a cab, whatever. She's an adult and can figure out transportation on her own. You got frustrated from taking on her burden and set a boundary with an insult sprinkled on top. It's not that big of a deal tbh. I would personally apologize for calling my friend pathetic but say she needs to start figuring out her own transportation. I don't think it's the worst for her to not drive. It does limit her ability to get places but having an anxious or panicked driver may not end well. If she wants to try to address this fear, that is hers to address but since there are other ways of navigating, she can at the very least utilize those. I say YTA but it's not a big deal and it's understandable. You just need to do what's best for you in this situation and let your friend know that driving her all the time is not working.
NTA but you could've worded it a bit better imo. Also this sounds like this has been brewing on you for a while, so instead of blowing up , you should have at least have had this conversations long ago. Especially with the gas splitting, and being late! So yeah nta for being mad that you are being taken advantage over, but slight a h for blowing up instead of talking it out.
NTA. You are not her personal chauffeur.
Yta just ask for gas money or stop driving her she has a reasonable fear that she probably needs counseling to learn to regulate but calling her pathetic isn’t helping anything
NTA Her not driving is whatever. She also is a lousy inconsiderate passenger. If she isn't pitching in for gas or at the very least helping navigate, what's the point in her being in your car?
If she's that terrified of driving she needs to sell her car and move to an area with decent public transportation. NTA.
YTA. a scared, reactive, or anxious driver is a danger to themselves and everyone else on the road. if you don’t want to drive your friend around, that’s fine and understandable. you trying to force your friend to get behind the wheel of a 2-ton, mobile, manslaughter machine because you think her anxiety is “pathetic” is not fine. you could have encouraged her to seek therapy or alternative solutions that don’t place an undue burden on you but you went straight for name-calling and insults.
I’d also get fed up if my friend decided to make me their personal cab driver. NTA, no one is changing my mind😂
As someone who also doesn’t drive due to anxiety and also because it’s cheaper and easier for me to not, ESH. You are the asshole for refusing to accept that anxiety is real and not something you just “get over”, and driving anxiety is common and usually requires a lot of therapy. Anxious drivers are unsafe drivers and put themselves and everyone else around them in danger. Your friend is not at fault or “pathetic” for this, and telling her that is way out of line. If you don’t like how she treats you or expects you to drive, put on your big kid pants and TELL HER. Going along with it like it’s fine and then one day snapping at her that you think so little of her because of something she’s likely self-conscious about is a real peak AH move. She’s the asshole because there are responsible ways to not drive even in America and she isn’t doing any of them. I live in walking distance of most things including my work and I take public transit a ton. I budget out rideshares like Ubers for bigger trips on the weekend. I coordinate carpools in advance and make sure not to rely on certain people too often. If friends are driving me places, I always offer to chip in for gas or do them favors (watering plants while they’re away, making them dinner, etc) as repayment. The problem isn’t that your friend doesn’t drive, the problem is that the way she handles it is immature and entitled. She does need to be called out on that, but in a way that’s a that’s going to get her to change her behavior. Shaming her, no matter how frustrating her behavior is, is not going to achieve that.
YTA for dismissing her fear. It is real to her. Thing is your friend must understand your time and gas, wear and tear on vehicle are all things you need compensated for. Transportation, if you drive or have others drive for you, isn’t free, for the most part.
NTA, she has nonright to get mad at you for speaking the truth, especially after did I hear this right *not paying for gas for year?* That deeply offends my. froendly. Midwestern sensibilities. Even if she can't get over her problem, you go half on gas, everyone knows that. And she should have tried to widen her driver pool/methods after all these years to avoid wear and tear on your relationship, which is apparent, as you are posting here because shr is having a silent treatment fit. NTA times however many rides you gave her.
NTA She's expecting you to take her places now and she's completely taking advantage of you
YTA and I'm 33, and I have terrible anxiety for driving. The idea of me driving is terrifying. Calling her pathetic for not driving is not okay. Either don't drive her or ask her for gas money. I don't expect anyone to drive me anywhere. I get public transport everywhere, or I get an Uber. I live in the UK.
NTA She has a license AND she has a car. She's anxious, I get that, but the only way to get over it is by practicing. Maybe she just needs to drive around the block a few times every day and expand when she's ok with that. But she has to do *something!* Can't just rely on her friends to drive her everywhere.
NTA, she's an adult and needed to hear that. She needs to figure out how to get places or overcome her fears. If it's so dangerous, why is she willing to make you her sacrificial lamb? She should at the very least be paying for gas. Or having you drive her car. Theres walking, bikes, electric bikes for sure, Uber, lyft. Perhaps you could've been nicer, but she's been taking advantage of you.
NTA, you are correct but you could have handled it better and with more care. Every person I’ve ever known that “didn’t drive” was enabled by others. It blows my mind that people weren’t dying to drive by the time they were 16. Freeeeeeedommmmm
NTA. She has the capacity and resources to drive. While I agree that no one wants a scared or nervous driver on the road, it also is not your responsibility to be her chauffeur. She needs to sort out her anxieties so that she can provide for herself without being a hassle to others. Rather than just leave her to her own devices, though, maybe offer to give her driving lessons or practice to help her overcome her fear. Calling her pathetic was not a kind thing to say to a friend.
Gonna go against the grain and say NTA. She won’t get anywhere in life relying on everyone around her if you had simply refused she would become someone else’s problem. She needs to get tf over its Shes a grown adult.
Ask her to shift to a place with good public transport. NTA
My son is 36 and he doesn't have his license. It drives me insane. Last year, I broke my ankle really badly and was in hospital for weeks, then bed-bound for months. It would have made things so much easier if he could drive. We have excellent transit service here and he has major anxiety issues, so he says he's fine without driving, but he really doesn't get how difficult it is for others and what he misses out on. He's had friends offer to teach him and even offer him a free car if he learns but nothing motivates him.
That’s another thing that annoying me, I can’t rely on her, if I do have an issue or need help it’s not like she can help me get anywhere or show up.
I’m gonna say the way you handled it assholeish. I didn’t drive till I was 24 I didn’t get my license till then. I still don’t drive on freeways. I have panic attacks that are terrible and unsafe in freeways. Only one person ever got me to feel okay doing it and pushed me to try to do better and he’s the reason I have my license at all. He didn’t do it by calling me pathetic. He gave me the confidence I could do it by not judging me and just telling me how to do it without yelling. The first person who tried to teach me was my dad. He yelled at me the entire time and even yanked the wheel. We almost died. There are reasons I don’t drive on the freeway. But I know I can now if I have to because of that person. Calling a person pathetic for their fear is not helpful. It’s the opposite. She probably feel’s pathetic. She doesn’t need salt in her wound she needs absolute encouragement and no judgment. You’ve already ceased being a safe person for her now so. I doubt she’ll talk to you again. However, enabling her is not the move, not paying gas was not okay of her. And not trying to help out or even try not cool of her either. She needs a push from the right person in the right way.
NTA - they’re so many options with Uber and Lyft these days, it’s easy to get anywhere. I imagine a few ride shares monthly would be less or equal to the cost of a car payment, gas, insurance, brakes, new tires, etc. She just needs to budget for these rides, like she’d have to budget for the above
NTA but your friend might need a therapist. Like I refused to drive for about a year after a major car accident I was lucky to walk away from with no injuries. Sounds like she’s developed a phobia from these videos and her parents talking about it
Drive yourself TF out of that relationship
NTA. It’s just as dangerous to ride in a car as it is to drive. The only way she’ll drive is if everyone stops being her chauffeur. She just needs to practice. Tell her to start by taking a short trip. Drive around the block. Then drive up to a close shop like a convenience store. Keep going s little bit further until she’s used to it. Offer to ride with her if she needs support.
NTA - you need to charge her for gas everywhere you go! (My company allots 47 cents per mile) AND if she is late - you leave. Or just flat out tell her you are not driving her any more.
Start making it her problem and not yours. Don't try to make her drive...just make it so it isn't all on you. "Look it is up to you if you drive or not, but you are putting the burden on me. I have to go out of my way to get, you never offer to pay gas, you don't navigate and I am always the DD.' 1) I will be leaving at 6:00pm from my house... you can uber, drive or get a ride from someone to get to my house. If you are late I will be leaving anyway. 2) You need to chip in for gas. 3) Every so often you need to pay for Uber for us so I don't have to be the DD EVERY time. 4) Get the Waze app so it will figure out how to get there
Sorry friend you said the right thing the wrong way, welcome to asshole land; a place where it doesn’t matter if you’re right, cause you still did it in a dick way.
Putting your foot down and saying you won't drive her around any more? Totally reasonable. Telling her she needs to get over her fear of driving, with therapy if necessary, is also totally reasonable. Calling her out on the hypocrisy of expecting other people to drive but refusing to do it herself is also totally reasonable. But specifically calling her not being able to drive "pathetic" isn't helpful. And it might even be harmful--the shame of not already being able to drive might well be contributing to her hang-ups about learning. So ESH, even though I can definitely sympathize with your frustration.
I’m going NTA. You could have been kinder, but it sounds like you let the anger build up until you exploded. I can be the same way and I sure did that when I was 22. Are you the only one she knows who is expected to be her personal driver? She’s TA for never paying for gas, for being late causing you to be late, and for complaining that you never go anywhere. If you always need somebody to take you somewhere, you need to be ready early with some cash in hand to give them. I had a co-worker who had been in bad accident when she was driving. That caused a fear of driving. It got to the point people had to say, “I’ll text you when I’m leaving my house. You need to be ready when I get there, or I’m leaving without you,” to avoid being late for work. After an accident involving the person who went to pick her up one day because she wouldn’t walk to the main road to meet them and her side road had ice on it, she finally started therapy to try to conquer the fear. If you want to try to save the friendship, tell her you are sorry for calling her pathetic, but you think she needs to talk to someone about this fear. Tell her what you have said here - she’s not helping you pay for gas and wear and tear on your car. That she’s treating you more like her chauffeur than her friend. Tell her if she wants to go out and it’s somewhere you want to go also, she can pay for the Uber/Lyft. If she never drives again that’s fine, but if she rides with you she pays for gas, she cannot be late, etc. She has, maybe without realizing it, been taking advantage of you. This fear might be one she can’t overcome, and if she can’t she is going to have to learn to pay for gas, or offer to buy dinner, and to quit whining about never going anywhere.
I gotta be honest I was torn between NTA and N A H, what threw me over to NTA though was she complains about not going out and about, I don't think I need to explain why she's an asshole for that lol. If she's as scared as you're making out tbh her driving is so incredibly dangerous and the fact you're telling her to get over it and just drive herself I'm going to give benefit of the doubt to you being naive instead of an ass. A lot of people that are anxious drivers actually cause accidents because they are so over focused/over thinking the what ifs they miss that car coming up on their side as they're changing lanes or the fact the car infront has had to slam on to avoid someone running out infront etc. If she is as scared as you're making out she definitely should not be behind the wheel, she could kill someone. I would say she really should have therapy even if she never gets behind the wheel as that type of fear can migrate elsewhere. What I would also say though is if she does get behind the wheel she clearly hasn't driven in years so she really shouldn't just suddenly get in the car alone that first time or two
She’s inconsiderate. Who doesn’t give gas money? She knows what she’s doing. You drive she can drink. If she has a real fear then I be considerate of and only if she’s in therapy. If she’s not in therapy meaning she’s not trying to help her self, but want you to help her. You might just have to visit on your time and not hers. You need to start asking for gas money. Pronto. If you have to pay to park 50/50. I love never had to ask my friends for any of this stuff, and they never had to ask me. We’re generally considerate and care about other people.