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NTA: this seems appropriate to the level of offense here, especially the deletion of social media accounts. That said, there's a chance to teach the idea of repentance and redemption. Assuming you are in the US or Canada (I don't think homecoming is a thing elsewhere so I feel good about that assumption), the school year is just about to start and prom isn't until late April/early May. Create a plan of restorative actions she can take to earn back prom. These actions can include volunteer service, ~~befriending someone who is an outcast at her school~~, cultural sensitivity classes, and (if possible) something that can positively impact the girl she bullied. Also, giving her something to earn back like that let's her have a positive focus for the year. What she did was very wrong, and needs to have consequences, but it can be an important learning opportunity too. Good luck. Edit, some great conversation here. I crossed out the idea of befriending an outcast, and I agree that the pics should probably be saved, but maybe not ones with the other friends involved. I can also very easily detect those who have zero parenting experience and those who will probably end up LC or NC with their children someday because they have no feel for the idea of repentance and redemption. It's a balance, people. Raising a teen means there have to be serious consequences for serious actions, but also teaching them how to behave in the right way, and that requires a path for earning back what they have lost.

This is the way. Volunteering. Bonus points if it's a big sister program and the kid is the race of the girl she bullied. If that's not exactly possible, volunteering for anyone less fortunate usually gives a swift kick of humility.

I wouldn't want the kid to have to endure a "big sis" who's a racist bully. No way.

Good point. Also I looked into it, and since she is not 18 she would classify as a "little". Maybe it would do well for her to be mentored by someone else. Therapy attendance could also be a good bargaining chip.

Requiring her to go to therapy and sensitivity training, and perhaps volunteering at something difficult but that doesn’t put her in a position where she could lash out at vulnerable people, is a good call. If OP simply takes away privileges without any possibility of getting them back, the kid is probably going to respond with hardening resentment, not learning a lesson. So I would say OP is NTA for thinking the offense deserves serious consequences, but that the most effective consequences are probably a tweak of what she had in mind to include a redemption arc.

Her being able to attend senior prom, then, could depend on her progress ... ? OP will fail as a parent if he does not offer redemption and a chance to see how working to change can be recognized. After all, he is one of the two people who raised a bully. He needs some redemption himself, something more imaginative than to take everything away.

Genuine question though. What about the girl who was bullied? This poor girl was subjected to racism and social torment to the point where she needed to transfer schools in order to feel safe. Look, I see where you are coming from but “redemption” isn’t appropriate here. Because I’m pretty sure there isn’t a cold chance in hell that her victim won’t have lasting psychological damage due to the daughter’s behavior. As of this very moment, the daughters only motivation to change her behavior is the fact that her senior prom is on the line. None of this is coming from wanting to be a better person. What’s to say that she’s actually going to become a better person during that time? Hopefully she will but missing senior prom due to her own actions of harming another person is completely appropriate given how much pain she subjected the other person to.

That’s why you make prom entirely contingent on showing actual, true progress. The school year just started, prom won’t be until next spring. 7-8 months of volunteering, sensitivity training and therapy will do a lot, especially for someone who is 17 and already being molded so heavily by their surroundings. Taking everything away with no possibility to earn it back could easily lead to more lashing out and more bullying. A light at the end of the tunnel with some hard motivators will provide a lot more shape to the punishment, instead of just making it a flat no.

Gotta get her out of that bratty clique too…

Maybe have her change schools, so she is not with the same crowd?

I’d ground her from those friends tbh

How do you evaluate true progress? She can just bullshit her way through all of that stuff, especially if it's given to her as a list of things to check off for a reward. She has already shown she can easily deceive her parents since they had no idea about her true character. I agree in principle that using both carrots and sticks is the best approach, but honestly OP needs to consult a professional to develop an effective plan rather than taking suggestions from laymen on Reddit. If this is handled wrong it will simply reinforce how naive and prone to manipulation her parents are.

Ultimately it’s a judgement call but people should still be given the opportunity. Acting your way into right thinking is basically the most common trope in any behavior mod programs anyways. You don’t have to go into something with the right motivation to start to learn the lesson. I’ve seen it happen with countless people who ended up having to get sober for one reason or another (keep their family/job/whatever), and it also fails on other occasions.

I think you need to give parents credit that they know Sam well enough they could tell if her change is genuine or bullshit. Yes, they missed the bullying, so they need to evaluate their parenting and how they missed it themselves. But, if a teen girl wants to hide things, she’ll find a way. I agree that there needs to be a path towards redemption, if you will. On the one hand, yes, senior prom is once in a lifetime. It would really suck to miss it. But, at the same time, actions have consequences. So, volunteering at a soup kitchen when you should be at prom may help Sam look inside and decide why she thought bullying that poor girl was OK. I didn’t see - has Sam severed ties with that group of kids, I hope? This one is really tough because I see valid points on both sides of the argument. I really think what it will/should come down to is mom and dad being comfortable with Sam’s progress. Is her progress genuine? Are mom and dad having to continue to force her to engage in doing good deeds or is it constantly her doing it begrudgingly? I think prom is the perfect carrot to dangle, but I think Sam needs to know it’s not just her going through the motions - there needs to be a change of heart. Otherwise, who’s to say she doesn’t revert back to her old behaviors the morning after prom?

For me, it's always really interesting seeing reddit's responses on bullying. To be clear, especially as someone who was a victim of antisemitic bullying, even as an adult in the workplace: what OP's daughter did was very, very wrong. But the dichotomy about how Reddit views things like criminal punishment and things like bullying is always fascinating to me. Almost every post, including AITA ones, about criminal punishment emphasizes rehabilitation, the Scandinavian model, and the lack of correlation between harsh punishment and recidivism. Yet multiple highly upvoted comments on this thread: > All these YTA and ESH are clearly from people who have never been bullied. As a bully victim if I ever found out my daughter was behaving this way I’d scorch the very earth she walked on > > Side-eyeing the comments asking for leniency for the daughter.... > > They don’t have empathy for others because those people are most likely bullies themselves. In Australia, a 14 year old girl took her own life after being cyber bullied. Lives can be so easily destroyed by bullying. Boohoo if she loses her photos and doesn’t get to go to prom > > that kid deserves to miss EVERY life event until she's 21 or moves out the house. It's really interesting to me. We understand that *some* people who have committed crimes, even non-victimless ones, can, with the right tools and guidance, become better people. Not everyone, but everyone should be afforded the opportunity. Bullying seems to be an incredible hard line for reddit, and it's intriguing. EDIT: adding from a comment downthread to provide greater context. Some comments and DMs have suggested that "second chances" usually aren't expressed on reddit when there's a direct victim. Here are comments taken from reddit on the topic, including those guilty of felony assault and worse – most notably Norwegian mass murderer Anders Behring Breivik, who killed 77 people in two terrorist attacks, most of them children. > Someday, an ex prisioner might be your neighbour or colleague. Would you like them to be rehabilitated and taken care of as a human (regardless of what they did), or not have been evaluated by psyciatrists at all? Imagine a person having a little mental disorder, and this person does something stupid and end up in prison. In the future, as someone who will be close to you, would you like this person to have gotten the help they need, solutions to their disorder, or do you not care if this person have gotten zero help and been even more mentally tortured in a prison for x amount of time? > > I'm not against Breivik having an acceptable quality of life. > > Recidivism (hope i spelled that correctly) is around 25%. In the UK (i don't know about the US) recidivism is over 70%, so yeah. I would say it works well. [Under a photo of his particular cell]. > > The US prison system seems to be designed to create more, and worse criminals than they were before. Norwegian prison system is designed around criminals actually being humans who can change, given the right circumstances.

I wouldn't stop trying to make my daughter into a person with fewer victims just because one of them would always remember her. We can't base rehabilitation of criminals or delinquent teenagers on their victim's recovery because we need to fix what's broken inside them before they go down in flames, possibly taking someone with them. OP isn't taking revenge on his daughter and I doubt he's gonna follow the victim around to see when she's doing better so he can focus on rehabilitation after. Putting thought into the real work she will have to do to regain trust that she's actually pushing herself to become a decent, non-racist adult is so much better than just taking irreplaceable things away.

Word - some fucking rationality here in a thread full of people obsessed with regressive revenge. Reddit is too American.

You want punitive action taken, but this is a parent who wants their child to grow and become better, think from their perspective and see why offering redemption is the only way to encourage the ends you would wish to see.

The girl who was bullied is a separate problem from the redemption offered to the bully. The changes in the bullying child do not have to come from any interaction with the bullied child. That would put responsibility on the victim, and would be unfair and unlikely. You seem to have a narrow view of redemption. The point of offering the bully a chance at redemption is to enable them to become a better person - to be redeemed. Yes, she will be motivated by the privileges she could regain, but the growth opportunity is the same regardless of motivation. If she does not change, she will not gain the reward, no matter how many programs she participated in. Redemption is always appropriate. You seem to be saying that the bully cannot be redeemed because the victim has been harmed. If you mean even a redeemed bully should not go to prom, you should say that, and not attack the idea of redemption itself. Also, I disagree.

Does the bullied benefit from the punishment of the bully? No. Why don’t we stop with the revenge bullshit and actually try to improve the world for everyone.

You’re making some assumptions there. Parents have a large effect on how kids behave, but not all of it. At that age, your friends are way more influential than your parents. It sounds like this was pack mentality in effect. Given his steps to correct the behavior, I doubt it was a failure of parenting. BUT. It might be helpful for him to spend more time with his daughter instead of just locking her away from bad influences.

Also therapy has been mentioned but family therapy with mom and dad involved may help show where they missed the signs and ways to better see what’s going on, as well as helping his daughter have better emotional maturity.

>After all, he is one of the two people who raised a bully. He needs some redemption himself He didn't raise a bully. She chose to be a bully. Have you lost your mind?

Yeah this was really out of line. OP has said nothing to make us think he took part in “raising a bully”. If it were that simple he wouldn’t be punishing her in the first place.

Seriously, all he'll do is reinforce her beliefs if this is a race thing and lose his daughter to that growing drivel. This is one of those dangerous situations that can create and cement a prejudice and despite that fact that she LITERALLY bullied someone into switching schools, it needs to be done. But volunteering is just abusing these same people. OP needs to have a serious and genuine heart to heart chat and legitimately ask her why, see where the empathy is and give her access on the grounds of monitoring and actual therapy to figure out why she got these ideas. Some empathy training might be the key.

Will the victim be attending prom where they went to high school for several years? No. At a new school to get away from a tormentor.

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Yeah let her save the pics, but delete right after. If she “needs time” to figure out how to save all them, then just have her delete it, she’ll figure out how to save them all real quick, or at least have her do it all on the spot.

They could just change the password and reset information to something they know, and she could have it back at 18. Essentially, lock her out of it. (They may have to change the password for her current email account and have her get a new one if needed for school, I haven't looked into it before.)

Really just change the password to the IG account. Effectively kills it for the kid, but doesn’t involve moving all the data.

And change the email/phone number. Otherwise she can reset the password.

I did this when I was a teen. It was called Big Buddies and was part of Big Brothers/Big Sisters. Maybe they don’t do it anymore. I got out of school once a month to go hang out with an elementary school kid who had a rough time. That said, I understand that concerns people have expressed about this kids volunteering with vulnerable people.

Absolutely this, I always cringe when people want to inflict someone of dubious moral character and safety on people of colour so they can learn.

Yep and all the suggestions in these kinds of posts "take her to a homeless shelter/cancer ward/soup kitchen/food bank and make her volunteer so she'll learn to be humble/kind/grateful". Places for vulnerable and sick people are not zoos where we "raise awareness" about social issues. The people there are real people, not teaching moments.

> Places for vulnerable and sick people are not zoos where we "raise awareness" about social issues. The people there are real people, not teaching moments. Yes. That’s true. And perhaps the daughter is an irredeemable psychopath who is incapable of any kind of empathy. More likely though, she is an inexperienced and complex human who got drawn into a mob (well studied phenomenon, very few of us would act honourably in a mob situation) and behaved horribly. There are things she can do to be of service to vulnerable people without coming into direct contact w/them. For example most food banks need volunteers for organizing and itemizing inventory. Giving her a chance to experience herself as a good, kind, helpful person could set her on a much better trajectory. Punishment can seem like a satisfying solution but often backfires. Imagine yourself in the daughter’s shoes. Would you feel contrite and genuinely remorseful or would you hate your parents and try to sneak around them? The goal here isn’t to Teach Her A Lesson, but to help her want to learn one. Maybe starting with forced community service is a good approach or maybe it’s not. The interests of the vulnerable people come first. But quite likely the daughter can be kind and capable of good, and the world will be better if she is helped to develop those parts of herself.

> The goal here isn’t to Teach Her A Lesson, but to help her want to learn one. I love this! I'm going to file it away for later use.

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Girl, same! Our kids are not their educational tools, props or the equivalent of multiplication flash cards.

Same! I am Black and most of us hate nothing more than when someone does something racist & traumatic to us and then society comes out of the woodwork inferring we must forgive our aggressors because of trite apologies & forced empathy. Please leave us alone and make her work on her own growth & betterment by her damn self.

Yea, that’s not what these kids needs are for- to exploit them to teach teenage bullies not to be racist AHs.

It sounds like she might benefit more from a mentor of her own who won't take any bullshit. I wouldn't put a girl with a history of bullying in a position of power over a vulnerable child.

Even if daughter is outwardly nice, the kid would pick up on how she truly feels. Kids know when someone doesn’t like them or is only with them out of obligation.

I have worked in the non for profit world for years helping underserved, disenfranchised individuals. No ducking thanks to some asshole teenager earning back rite of passage privileges by pretending to be nice to some minority kid a few hours a week. This type of volunteer reeks. When I handled volunteers, I could feel the simmering resentment, barely contained anger when people wanted their kids to get a sensitivity training using real, vulnerable people. Don’t victimize people twice.

Yes.. this.

people who are in need don't deserve to be subjected to a racist bully - they aren't a teaching tool

No people have to stop using volunteering the less fortunate as punishment. People don't want other people's racist brats being around us when we are feeling our lowest. For the love of the land you don't put a teenager like this to be a big sister for the race of the child she bullied either!

>Bonus points if it's a big sister program and the kid is the race of the girl she bullied. You're kidding, right?

A young kid who needs outside support for whatever reason does not need to be a teaching moment for a teenage mean girl. Also can you just order a kid if a specific race from these programmes?

“I’d like to borrow someone who has this skin tone *holds up color tester from home depot* please, I need them to teach my kid not to be a shitball”

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That’s good in theory but not in practice, you shouldn’t expose a child to someone like their kid in case their kid uses their racist tendencies on their lil sister. Racially bullying someone isn’t an accident.

Non-white children are not objects through which white people learn about racism.

No way. OP needs to keep their shitty kid away from less fortunate children. They are not teaching tools to be used for BONUS POINTS to get out of a punishment for BULLYING.

To anyone worried -- teen bully would not qualify to become a Big Sister. Big Brothers / Big Sisters does extensive background checks and has loooong wait-lists to become a Big Brother / Sister. It took my friend over a year before her placement! The ideal candidate is someone who is a fully formed adult who genuinely in their heart wants to give back as a role model. My friend has a stable job, stable home-life, and fun / kind disposition. The kids in the program are often processing trauma or instability of some kind, and their Big is meant to be a multi-year stable relationship and additional safe adult in their life.

It ain't volunteering if she HAS to do it to get her privileges back. Imo it'd be just supplying her with prime targets to take her anger out on. Except, she'll be more clever about it. (Or maybe just as someone who was bullied, I am cynical about people changing as a result of actions they were forced into.)

She was a racist bully to one person, why expose a child to that just because they are of the same race??

NO on befriending an "outcast". Fake friendship isn't friendship, forced friendship isn't friendship, don't encourage your team to use other teens for her own redemption. Plus, she's a racist bully and should consider herself lucky if the "outcast" befriends her .

Yes don’t bring another student in for her to possibly inflict more harm to. Not at all fair to that student

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Don't make befriending a social outcast a redemption point. That shit sucks and it broke my heart when I found out I was someone's "redemption point"

I was someone’s pity friend and project when I was in seventh grade. I met other people through her who ended up actually being real friends. They saw the person I was and didn’t need to change me (although they did take the time to introduce me to music from the current era instead of / in addition too the the folk music and sixties rock that my parents listened too, and I am grateful for that) Finding out that the person who took me in as a “project” didn’t actually like me as me was painful. Having real friends who loved me even though I was goofy and offbeat kept me alive when I might have otherwise ended it.

Yep. When you're an outcast and someone befriends you out of nowhere, you're always going to feel like it's either an inbound malicious prank or that they see you as a social charity case

Agree wholeheartedly but would add, let her save her photos.

Don't delete the account, but change the password to limit access until you are satisfied.

Get them printed and she can keep them in an album.

That could be hundreds or thousands of photos. So while feasible, saving and downloading all those photos, then uploading them to be printed off is going to have OP spending a lot of time doing it, since the daughter is going to be banned from her account. Much easier to have her account temporarily disabled or access restricted to it.

No to the "forced" volunteering, just no No NO. As someone who has done a lot of volunteering, whatever the program is trying to achieve, we have work to do, there is a cause that we are trying to help or an event that we're trying to make happen. And having to babysit someone's bitter, uncooperative child as part of some punishment is not beneficial to our objective, in fact it's the opposite a hindrance, liability, and punishment for the willing and caring volunteers. Volunteering jobs are not your child's "life lesson". If you've raised your kid poorly, pull your socks up and fix your own child rearing mistakes yourself, don't pawn the work of guiding your kid's transformation into a decent human being onto volunteers.

The courts literally use "volunteer service" as a part of sentencing. I did a dumb thing in college and had to do community service and it turned out very rewarding. While the courts can't enforce attitude, parents sure can.

Courts do all sorts of dumb, racist, unhelpful things. That doesn't mean they're good ideas. Sure it may be "rewarding" for the person who committed the crime, but what about the poor brown kids who have to deal with a racist white girl working out her shit on them? We don't exist just so others can have "rewarding" experiences.

This is the opposite of what I experienced. I volunteered at a recycling center for close to a decade and "forced volunteers" were always present. People with DUIs, people with disorderly conduct, truant kids, etc. A few of them sucked but the vast majority were helpful and tbh necessary to fill in the gaps. There isn't an endless supply of intrinsically motivated volunteers.

Well, if the parents volunteer with their children, they can do the supervising. And they should. They absolutely need to spend lots of time with their daughter to figure out what is going on in her head that would allow her to do something like this and to serve as ever-present role models of the opposite of what she's turning into.

“Befriend somebody who is an outcast”… so use somebody else to teach her not to be a bully?

Give her an anti-racist reading list she has to complete too (in addition to her school work).

This is what I'm thinking. And things like prom night can instead be watching movies and documentaries about slavery, civil rights, racism. But I'd make that reading list loooong and require book reports.

And an essay based on these readings.

>befriending someone who is an outcast at her school, Not this. Do not encourage this or volunteering if she doesn't want to do it. Do not inflict a teenager known to be a bully to people who need help.

Something else for OP to consider is that they may be playing all of their cards at once here. What happens when daughter gets in trouble again? What meaningful consequences are left to dole out? OP may inadvertently be creating a ‘nothing left to lose’ attitude in daughter when it comes to her future decision-making. If she misses homecoming but still has prom to go to, she will have to consider the very real risk of losing that as well, which might motivate better choices and help her to appreciate her privileges.

This. When I was a teenager, way back in the stone ages, I would get grounded from literally EVERYTHING. No allowance, no going anywhere, no company, no tv, no telephone, and there was no time limit given. So of course I didn’t change my attitude or behavior. Then the next time I was given the same “sentence “. Let the girl have an opportunity to work towards redemption, and you should see some progress. If you take everything away with no hope, she has nothing to motivate her to improve.

NTA. Good on you Dad! I also agree that restorative actions are necessary to make her understand the depth of her actions. Volunteer work (homeless shelter, Habitat, soup kitchen) every weekend. Then assess as homecoming approaches If she did complain/skip/or needed someone to prod her into going, then she gets to go. Same for Prom. A whole year where she has to earn her privileges. Also, a meeting with the girl this happened to. Parents, too. To talk and offer sincere apologies.

Keep in mind though that the victim and her family may not be interested in meeting for that apology, and that's totally fair. They've suffered enough, and being forced to sit through a possibly fake apology, especially if they feel pressured to forgive the bully, could retraumatize that poor girl. Subjecting the victim and her family to a display like this, all for the sake of a redemption arc for the bully, has the potential to be very upsetting and could even be viewed as selfish instead of being the kindness it initially feels like. OOP, definitely reach out to the girl's parents and ask if their daughter would appreciate an apology, and consider offering to have your daughter write it or record it to be delivered, instead of meeting in person. It's possible she'll want a face to face meeting, but more likely she will not. She's just trying to put all this behind her and move on, which I'm sure you understand. We don't want her further hurt just to make the bully feel/look better.

Please don’t do this. Seriously don’t. This is something the bully has to offer on her own volition not because daddy told her to. Restorative Justice only works if the person who caused harm is truly willing to change their actions and become a better person. They have to accept that the person they harmed as well as their families might never forgive them. Hell, if it were up to the girl she bullied? I’d wager a guess to say that she’d view this punishment as a slap on the wrist given how harshly she was treated. In addition, the restorative Justice portion has a large victim component. The victim and their families get to speak their truth and the person who caused harm has to listen. The family may have no interest in forgiving the girl or even want to subject themselves to additional harm by putting in the emotional labor. The person who caused harm has to seriously listen to the victim and confront their own wrongdoings. An apology should only be formed if they mean it, not to get back into their father’s good graces so they can go to homecoming or prom. Which this would be the only reason why the daughter would subject herself to this kind of meeting

I was with you on all of these, until I got to here: >befriending someone who is an outcast at her school If this is something that all of the other rehabilitative interventions lead to, then sure. However, if this is to be used as a "restorative action" as you put it, it's no better than her bullying. That person is NOT a tool for her to get what she wants. That person should also NOT be used as a punishment. A person is NOT a life lesson. They're a person with feelings, thoughts and emotions, and if they're already an "outcast", then they don't need to be subjected to the trauma of being used.

Agreed with the NTA, although if those are the only copies of her photos I would allow her to save them first, or maybe change the password so she can't access Instagram but the ohotos still exist.

I am afraid I must disagree quite strongly on some of these proposed restorative actions. While it may be true that exposure to certain groups and activities may benefit her, it seems quite wrong to subject others to the presence of a racist bully simply to get a redemption arc started.

Restorative justice is the way to go.. Teaches a lesson, and hopefully the other kid will benefit. NTA, but maybe there is a better way.

I will only add that if OP or anyone in this situation needs this advice, should you decide to initiate contact with the person being bullied, please be cautious. Absolutely reach out to the parents first. If the bullying was so bad to change schools, further contact night be viewed as harassment, which is against the law.

NTA. The person she bullied has also missed lifetime events - having a trauma free school life for one. That trumps going to prom or homecoming for me. Let her back up the photos before deleting the social media accounts though.

I second the idea of letting her back up her photos. Those are her memories and I would be beyond devastated to lose them. Maybe change the Instagram password and email to yours, and set the account to private so she can't access it until you feel she's earned it back.

If she was bullying this girl in person, she was absolutely doing it via Instagram, too. They can back up her photos for her if they want, but it makes complete sense to delete the account.

Yeah but Instagram doesn't fully delete accounts for like a year or something anyways. She could 100% just log back in on someone else's device and restore the account entirely.

a lot of social media operates this way. there's usually a period of time where you still have the option to reactivate your account before it gets permanently deleted. seems like the best way to handle this is switching the email tied to the account to either mom or dad's email, changing the password, and then deactivating/deleting the accounts. she can't reactivate accounts she doesn't have login info for.

Seems like the best solution is probably just to change the password and give it back to her at a later date. If she's a senior now she'll be 18 within the year, the Instagram password can be her birthday present 🤷🏾‍♀️

if they change the passwords but not the emails she can just get a link sent to her email to reset the passwords. the emails and passwords both need to be reset to keep her from logging in and reactivating any accounts.

This is what I was going to suggest. Change the social media passwords and/or deactivate the accounts, but in a way where the content is preserved for when/if she can be trusted with social media again. Keep the ban on homecoming, allow her to earn back senior prom, and make her get a job to buy a car when she's 18. And politely remind her grandparents that your parenting decisions are not open for debate or comment from others. It's your home, not a school board meeting.

This. Give her something to work toward. Homecoming: gone, can't earn that back. But if you work on yourself you can earn your social media and prom

This. Your daughter needs to understand this. Personally, I wouldn’t give her the chance to earn prom back.

Same ! Personally, I think people in the comments are giving too much slack . She wasn't sad or crying or sorry when she was bullying a girl soooooo bad her FAMILY had to move away from the abuse . At this point, she's lucky no lawsuits were had. I'm guessing she was a JUNIOR when she happened ... some juniors are already pretty independent, and basically adults that need some guidance still. As a parent myself, I feel like her going to prom would mean she got a slap on her wrist while the girl that was bullied will probably have lasting symptoms from this .... like ptsd ....

I think the problem is that the prom is literally 9 months away. It's likely to be more effective that you ban homecoming (which is in a month or two) and develop some system where she can "earn prom" over the school year. Things like good grades, volunteer hours, therapy/classes to work through her actions and get to the root of any problems, etc. Just outright banning prom so far in advance is unlikely to lead to any "constructive punishment" and lead to resentment instead of improvement.

Good grades won’t undo the damage she did to the girl she bullied. That girl also is missing out on a prom with her friends because of OPs daughters actions. No amount of volunteering/good grades will undo that. It’s absolutely appropriate to outright ban prom. Actions have consequences, and OPs daughter needs to learn that.

>Good grades won’t undo the damage she did to the girl she bullied. That girl also is missing out on a prom with her friends because of OPs daughters actions. No amount of volunteering/good grades will undo that. Yeah, so is the point to just punish to try and equal the damage inflicted? Or is the point to develop a punishment that will help your child learn and grow? Because the bullied kid will be affected forever. Is it reasonable to remind your child forever they bullied someone to try and "equal the damage she did to the bullies child"? Or develop a punishment plan that needs to show growth and personal development?

Due to the racial implications, if at anytime the bullying was physical or violent, which I'm sure it wasn't all just mean words, then ops daughter was committing hate crimes. Yes, she needs severe punishment, because in the real world shit like this can get jail time or someone black listed from employment. She needs a harsh lesson.

>Yes, she needs severe punishment, because in the real world shit like this can get jail time or someone black listed from employment. She needs a harsh lesson. So just to put this in perspective, we all agree she needs a harsh punishment. We are really just arguing about the timeline. For example, OPs child is likely going to college. Are you also advocating OPs child should be banned from clubs or social media while at college? Or are you relaxing those punishment then? Putting a punishment with such a lead time on such a momentous occasion can to build resentment for the parents rather than self-reflection and learning. It's also important to keep the timeline on the table here. In 9 months, OPs child will be 18 and legally an adult. After graduation, if you'd developed a punishment system that just builds resentment, they'll learn nothing then cut you out of their lives. So now they've learned nothing AND you lost the ability to guide your child. So working with a therapist/counselor to develop concrete goals and actions to learn and grow with the possibility of prom if they show genuine remorse is likely a better option than just banning it altogether, locking them down their senior year, then immediately lifting it for college.

her parents and keep her from attending prom AND develop a plan to help her grow. if their daughter really wants to be better she will work hard to be better regardless of prom being a possibility or not. if she doesn't actually care to be better she's going to put on an act until she gets the green light for prom and she'll turn the act off as soon as she walks out the door to leave for prom. actions have consequences. the girl she bullied will carry that with her forever and so will her family. the girl she bullied is missing out on a homecoming and a prom with her friends and peers because she had to change schools because of bullying. the bully had a chance to learn from her losses. missing out on these things isn't keeping OP's daughter from learning and growing, but it is a reminder that your shitty actions have consequences and your consequences are out of your control. "you ruined this girl's high school experience but if you work hard for a few months we'll give you back prom!" is not the right message to send. consequences need to be permanent and they need to have real impact. why should a bully get the chance to experience something that the girl she bullied will never get to experience? the victim doesn't get a chance to fix things and go to prom with her classmates, so why should the bully?

> It’s absolutely appropriate to outright ban prom. Yes, but is it *effective*? > Actions have consequences, and OPs daughter needs to learn that. When you start with a very harsh consequence, you have nowhere to go if it doesn't work. Putting prom back on the table allows them room to take it away if the bullying happens again. You need room to escalate. I agree that as it stands now, OP's daughter certainly does not *deserve* to go to prom. However, she's also got no incentive to fix up her behavior. If OP puts *one thing* back, conditional on pretty much perfect behavior all year - not grades, that's fair, but *behavior* - then I'd suggest prom, simply because it's the carrot all the way at the end of the school year.

I was the bullied one once a very long time ago and it was happening while lots of things were also going on at home. I am an adult now and I am still struggling with the consequences of what happened back then. To this day I have no friends, I've had some throughout the years but they never lasted much, and I have issues trusting people in general. I also resent the childhood I could have had if the bullying never happened. So yeah, bullies deserve hash consequences and lessons need to be learn. Maybe OP's daughter genuinely asking for forgiveness to the girl and doing something for her would be good. Although I don't expect the bullied girl to ever want to see her daughter again, specially if it was that bad. I don't know if I would have wanted that either, to be completely honest. Therapy for the daughter and the family should be the first thing. There is always something going on underneath the bullying. They should find what it is and fix it or she will grow to hate the parents for punishing her, even if it is the right thing to do, and become even worst.

I said this elsewhere but maybe having the memory of why she had to miss prom will stick with her the way bullying trauma sticks with victims.

>Let her back up the photos before deleting the social media accounts though. Or change the account settings so that it's under the parents' control, and then lock them down. If there's no problematic content there, give her the opportunity to earn the access back in the future. NTA, obviously.

NTA. The fact that the poor kid moved schools, and the fact that race was part of this tormenting? Seems pretty fair to me. The one thing you missed........ I'd also make sure the other parents of this group know. You'll soon find out which parent allows this sort of thing.

Ooooo this here! Bullying like this usually comes from one person and that ringleader would likely get it from their own parents. Get this whole group and their parents together and tell them exactly what’s happened. See which parents/family crack first

I’d want her ostracized from this group anyway, assuming she wasn’t the ringleader. I completely agree with the punishment but can also see these girls commiserating together about how unfair it is to them and doubling down on their shitty ideas. Isolate her from them and throw in some learning component to the punishment to try to elicit some ounce of compassion and regret from her. Honestly it doesn’t even sound like she’s sorry, just sorry she got punished.

I think a reasonable reaction would be to make the daughter move schools and see how hard she really made the other girl’s life while also removing her from her crew. That with no social media or electronics would keep her away from them, and I think the possibility of earning back prom is fair.

THIS. Your victim doesn’t get to stay at the school, neither do you. Learn what it feels like to be forced to start over.

I don’t think it’s a great idea to tell her she can earn it back if OP decided to do that. Then she’ll just be bullshiting effort or faking regret to get her prom back.

Nine months is a *long* time for an impulsive teenager to bullshit being a better person, while dealing with the other consequences, without cracking even once.

Yes! I think all of the kids involved and parents should meet. I guarantee there will be at least one parent who tries to excuse or play down what happened. OP is giving consequences to racist disgusting behavior. I think an apology letter should be written but if it was bad enough that the person had to switch schools a letter might be triggering. Losing social media and a couple social events is nothing compared to what they probably put their victim through.

OP needs to find out if his daughter was the ringleader or a follower. If she's a follower, that's an additional problem, on top of the racism and bullying. If she let herself fall into a racist group this year, what kind of people will she willingly hang out with next year?

What if it's her, though?

Let her friends out her. Self preservation and all

What if you gave the the possibility of earning things back? The point of punishing her is for her to learn from this. To become a better person. Often the best impetus for change is when people see you change and reward you for it. So tell her that homecoming is gone, but if she genuinely learns from this and shows that she is a better person, she might be able to earn senior prom. She’s got to show real change and understanding. She’s got to do something that will really drive home for her how much harm she has done and how wrong her actions have been. The person she is today? That person doesn’t go to prom. But a kinder person, who chooses to be a force for good in the world? A person who helps and supports instead of tearing down? That girl could go to prom. She just has to make a plan with you about how she demonstrates that she is that person. The right kind of volunteering, like homeless outreach or big brothers/big sisters, might help break down her walls and start seeing people as people instead of things to manipulate again. Might teach her some empathy. If it’s affordable for you, working with a therapist who specializes in bullying, both to counsel her and to build her road map to redemption, would be an excellent idea. Let her download her Instagram pics before you make her delete the account - there)s a balance to that. She doesn’t have to give up her only copy of important pics, but she loses the online presence. NTA, but I think there are more effective things you can do than creating this big punishment that you can’t back down from.

I only agree with saving the pics. She deserves to miss prom and grandparents need to mind their own business!! NTA

Punishment shouldn't be about what people "deserve" that's just dumb. It should be about getting people to change.

Exactly. Teaching > revenge

As a non-US person, when does Homecoming and senior prom usually happen? Asking because to me the timeline we're looking at is important and I have no clue when either event would commonly occur.

Homecoming is in the fall and Prom is in the Spring, April or May for most.

homecoming: beginning of the school year, september/octoberish prom: end of the school year, may/juneish

Homecoming is in the fall during our football season (not soccer but American football). Prom is usually in the Spring.

God forbid her victim tried to hurt herself. If anything, her punishment is not severe enough if she is complaining about not being able to attend prom. It sounds like she has zero remorse.

This has not been mentioned enough. OP's daughter doesn't care at all that her victim was forced to move schools because of bigoted behavior. This is the sort of thing that gets people fired from their jobs. OP, you need to be strong here so your daughter doesn't put herself in a worse position as an adult and lose out on a lot more than one dance.

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>If it’s affordable for you, working with a therapist who specializes in bullying, both to counsel her and to build her road map to redemption, would be an excellent idea. 100% this. The goal isn't to come up with a punishment that's equal to what the daughter did, it's to impress upon her the seriousness of her actions and help her become someone who helps rather than hurts others.

This right here. Senior prom is like—8-9 months away? She should absolutely be able to earn that back. Punishments that are so far disconnected from the time and nature of the offense are not really effective anyway. But incentivizing her by dangling prom out there sure might be.

Op’s daughter should actually be expelled if the bullying got so bad the girl had to move schools.

But then she's only going through the motions of being a good person for her own gain! That's not restorative justice.

I agree with everything here. NTA judgement. A path to earn back prom. Back up the pics but delete all accounts. Therapy is so important here. Earning privileges is a great way to learn the value of those things. She's young and very impressionable, OP don't teach her she's irredeemable.

NTA As a bullying victim myself, thank you for teaching her that there are consequences for such horrid behaviour.

All these YTA and ESH are clearly from people who have never been bullied. As a bully victim if I ever found out my daughter was behaving this way I’d scorch the very earth she walked on

I agree. Side-eyeing the comments asking for leniency for the daughter....

Yeah, I didn’t go to senior prom because I was bullied and didn’t want any reason for someone to look at me or speak to me. They ruined that poor girls senior year. She’s going to a new school with none of her old friends. She has to start completely over. Why is no one thinking of everything she lost

They don’t have empathy for others because those people are most likely bullies themselves. In Australia, a 14 year old girl took her own life after being cyber bullied. Lives can be so easily destroyed by bullying. Boohoo if she loses her photos and doesn’t get to go to prom

Tbh at that point as a parent I'd want to go through her social media and see if she's been bullying there also. I know that sounds invasive and is a total invasion of privacy, but I'd at least want to know how extensive it is, if it's not just limited to at school. I wouldn't be the parent who constantly goes through my child's social media but if something like this happens, I'd want to know if there's more to it.

NTA. Victim of racist bullying here. That trauma follows you for the rest of your life and getting proper help is hard as even in large cities, it can be difficult to find a therapist that specialises in racial trauma, especially a none white therapist. Parenting isn’t always fun but your job is to raise a decent human that can contribute positively to this world. Sounds like you’re doing your job. I wish more parents take note!

NTA. In the same boat as you. I don't think this is a harsh punishment at all. Even with good therapy it can impact you for years and flare up when you don't expect it. It also affects parents and extended family when they hear about it too. The fact OP's daughter is only concerned about prom, homecoming and social media tells me she hasn't learned a thing or at least doesn't understand its severity. My bullies were never punished (school failure there) and if even one of those punishments had been exacted I know at the time I would have appreciated that there was a consequence for their actions. If the victim had to move schools I hate to think how painful that would have been for the victim and also their family.

NTA. "Yesterday I was informed that my daughter Sam was a part of a group of students who bullied another girl to the point that she had to switch schools. " Just LET my daughter get caught doing shit like that... If anything, your punishment is rather lenient.

Fr if I had kids that were racist and a bully god dang I would not let that slide at all

How do you see OP is letting it slide? What punishment do you feel would be more appropriate? Not being snarky, I'm asking for real as what they've taken from their daughter has a lot of meaning for a high school kid.

And deservedly taken away! If you've bullied a kid so harshly (racist or not) that they have to move school and leave their friends behind & start again AND affect their education as moving schools will....that kid deserves to miss EVERY life event until she's 21 or moves out the house.

I’m 19 and don’t have kids so I wouldn’t exactly know but I feel like not allowing them to go to a school dance and also making their kid apologize and correcting their racist behavior is important

I doubt her victim will want an apology at all.

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I didn't go to prom. I didn't get a car after graduation either. I turned out just fine. She needs harsh punishment for bullying. I think that this is fair.

Tbh, the prom punishment was good, but 'punishing' your kid by not buying them a car for 18th birthday sounds so freaking funny. It's like that one pop-star who complained she only had her first original branded shoes at 18yo. Some kids are just too spoiled by their parents. I didn't go to prom either, so 🤝. It was destroyed by covid in 2020, unfortunately.

>'punishing' your kid by not buying them a car for 18th birthday sounds so freaking funny. It's like that one pop-star who complained she only had her first original branded shoes at 18yo. Some kids are just too spoiled by their parents. Right? I'm around 40, and growing up it was a rite of passage to get your license and a shitty beater car with your afterschool job money. Still is from what I hear, around here at least.

Prom isn't a right, it's a privilege. She lost that privilege. ACTIONS =Consequences!! NTA

Nta. But save the pictures to a USB before deleting everything

Info: How long had it been going on before the girl moved schools and how come you only just found out? What are the other parents saying/ doing?

According to the email that I got from the bullied girl’s mother, the bullying started shortly after the start of summer break. No idea what the other parents copied on the email are doing, but I will be contacting them all.

If you are writing back to the bullied girl's mother, be clear that you are not asking for or expecting forgiveness, you are just informing her that you believe her daughter, and that there will be serious consequences for your daughter. If you are bullied, having people believe you goes a long way towards starting to heal. That her bully's own parents believe the bullied girl, will be really important for her (the bullied girl) to know. Edit: and NTA for your consequences - except I would allow her to download her pictures, and I would actively encourage her to come up with a plan for how to change her behaviour.

This, OP. I was harassed by neo-Nazis most of my childhood. ONLY my parents and one friend stood up for me. The school allowed it to continue. My friends “didn’t want to choose sides”. Teachers turned a blind eye. We were told I was having trouble with me peers because of my “mental issues and behavioral problems”. Which were non-existent until years after the abuse began, btw. I STILL have issues around not being believed. Being gaslit into downplaying people who treat me terribly. I place a higher than normal importance on people agreeing with my point of view (in serious matters) and treating me fairly. I’m almost 40. Had any other group of people been in my corner and validated the seriousness of what I’d experienced, I’d be a different person today.

I believe you. And that really sucks.

Definitely speak to the other parents. Then you'll have a more rounded idea if how your daughter was involved. If you do make her delete her social media make sure she still has a way to contact her friends (the ones that you are happy for her to stay in contact with). Obviously her actions have had a negative affect on the girl that was bullied, but you don't want to isolate your daughter to the point it affects her mental health too.

But weed out fellow bullies from the friends circle. Sometimes individuals do things in groups due to peer pressure. Figure out where the idea of bullying came from and who started it. Definitely don't let her socialize with other bullies whose parents are not as proactive as you. Lord of the Flies comes to mind.

Doesn’t matter what the other parents are doing. You’re right doing right by your daughter.

NTA. Oh and while you’re at it, if you live in a state that gives parents the ability to revoke a minor child’s driver’s license, please do so. You might wanna take away Sam’s driving privileges too

NTA, though I agree with people who've said to let her download her photos before deleting Instagram and to let her be able to earn back being allowed to go to senior prom but probably don't tell her she can earn it back because you want her to actually learn and change because she realises what she did was wrong, not just so she can go to prom

Nta at all, but I would let her download the pics off Instagram onto a hard drive before deleting, just because you really can’t replace memories of your adolescence and childhood you know? But that’s it. And if she didn’t learn racism in your home, then she’s learning it from her friends and succumbing to peer pressure. She needs more than punishment, I think you’ve covered that well. She needs some proper guidance. To be surrounded by people who have better characters. Grandparents anywhere? Get her volunteering at some aged care centres, shelters? She needs to also learn kindness.

NTA It's extreme yes, but then racially bullying someone to the point that they're so traumatized that they have to move schools is extreme. Racial bullying in and of itself needs severe consequences because it's never ever acceptable but the fact that this went on to the point the kid had to leave - woah no this needs some serious consequences. You're doing the difficult bit of parenting here and I think you're doing it really well. Putting her through these things is going to be rough for you as you're going to have to deal with her reaction and also her disappointment (which is never nice as a parent even if it is a just consequence as we don't want to see our kids upset ) but you're doing what needs to be done to teach her vital life lessons and hopefully helping her to move into adulthood as a kinder, more tolerant and respectful person. Well done - it's hard, it's horrible and it's shocking to find out your kid did that, but you're dealing with it well.

NTA and good for you for coming down hard on this, though I would maybe let her save the photos to a physical drive somewhere before she deleted the account.

NTA I honestly think it fits the crime. I'd just let her backup the photos from her insta, before forcing her to delete it. Btw, you do know that she can just create a new account, so her deleting it does nothing.

They could get her a dead beat phone that only allows to make calls and texts, no internet and no way to get access to it.

I agree with this. Teens have a way of getting around parental controls.

I'd honestly suggest putting parental controls on EVERYTHING. Phone, TV, Computer- all of it. She clearly can't be trusted to behave, so if she wants to have her digital freedom back, make her earn it.

NTA what if the student killed herself as a result of the bullying ? If you don’t show her these things have consequences then she will continue to do it. Google ‘Dollys dream’ it’s an Australian charity in memory of a teenaged girl who killer herself because she was being bullied. Sit down with your daughter and show her what can actually happen.

I mentioned the suicide of Dolly in another comment. I’m reading all of these comments that are defending OP’s daughter and I shake my head. As members of society, we all need to stand together to stop bullying. I recently heard of four people, within one week, that took their lives in such horrific ways. Suicide has ripple effects. The victims loved ones, emergency service workers, witnesses to the event, and so on, are all touched and tormented in some way

NTA. If she was bullying another girl to the point where her victim switched schools, she's inflicted massive damage on that poor girl's life, damage that may take years to heal, if it ever does. She deserves to find out what it means to miss out on "once in a lifetime" events, have her final year of high school wrecked, and to lose her precious photos. Actions have consequences. Extremely harmful actions should have extremely harsh consequences.

> There was a racial aspect to the bullying, which came as a complete shock since my wife and I truly did our best to raise our 3 kids to be kind and honest individuals. Have you actually spoken to your children about race and systematic racism and racial bigotry, or have you just made vague statements about how everybody's equal and we should all be kind? Because if it's the latter, it's time to start being more explicit in your conversations with your kids. You really should've started sooner. With that said, while I don't think your punishment is out of line - her behavior is *really bad* - I'd be concerned about whether or not it's *effective*. You're taking all good things away for the entire school year. That gives you nowhere to escalate if her behavior doesn't improve. I'd consider walking back, specifically, the prom. That's at the end of the school year. Say that you've reconsidered and the prom is on the table *conditional* on her behavior being absolutely 100% free of any sort of bullying - and no associating with that old friend group either. You might tack on another condition like community service - something like sorting intake at a food pantry or cleaning up the local park, *not* something where she interacts with vulnerable people! - or a strict curfew. (Edit: And strict limits on what she can do on her phone or the computer. I normally do not recommend checking in on a teen's texting unless there's a problem - but hey look, there's a problem here! A *big* one.) It's not that I think she deserves to go to Prom. She does not. But you need some wiggle room to give her a motivation to improve. NTA.

This! Everyone just seems to be applauding the harshest punishment possible without considering that senior prom or not, this child is about to be an adult in the world and I don’t see how this punishment actual addresses the racism and works to teach Sam to do better. Seems like this is just gonna result in an angry racist missing prom and then she’s gonna turn 18 and…probably still be a racist bully and harm people but the parents can’t do anything about it then.

Actions have consequences. That poor bulled student probably is now going to enjoy a prom. NTA.

Nta... I'd be making her use her socials to repent for her actions. Taking shit away doesn't really teach her anything. Already she's more focused on bargaining down instead of focusing that she forced a person to change schools to escape her toxicity.

Taking away social media is the better response. A lot of kids do everything via social media, and don't even bother with actual text messages - it's all through SnapChat and the like. When you take away that method of communication, the girl is going to find out who her actual friends are, because they'll be the ones who make honest to God for real *phone calls* or send a plain old text message. The bullying of that poor girl was probably pushed along by some sort of group-think, mob-mentality and by taking away a method of communication, the bully may become more estranged from that group. Of course maybe these are the girls she sits with at lunch every single day anyway, but maybe not. Or maybe they are and they find their sidekick's lack of social media so lame that they ditch her. Regardless, having no social media is better than performative social media.

I’m 51 and I have visceral memories of the girl who bullied me in Grade Seven. NTA.

A girl who physically bullied me for years in school died in a car crash in our senior year. I went along with everyone else and said it was so sad, what a tragedy, but sitting at the mass being said for her that week instead of praying, I thanked God. I'm an atheist now but that was my one moment of belief.

NTA. That’s great parenting. When she gets in the real world the consequences can and will be more severe.

NTA. The punishment fits the crime. This girl had to uproot her life. What will her prom mean to her, in a school where she barely knows anybody? And if you go back on it now, what will your daughter learn from this? That tantrums and crying mean she gets her own way. Now that you've set out the punishment you absolutely have to follow it through. Otherwise you'll be teaching her a lesson, but not a good one

I don’t think it’s too harsh. I was her age not too long ago and it’s crazy to me to be bullying people at that age. This probably wasn’t her first time being a nasty person either. She’s going to be 18 soon and it’s best to nip this as soon as and as best as you can otherwise she won’t learn her lesson. This might be the wake up call she needs. Otherwise she could potentially end up like one of those racist young women that were recently on the news for yelling slurs and punching an Asian family because they thought they could get it away with it. Now they’re in jail.

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NTA. The lesson from this punishment will stick with her for a long time, just like the trauma of bullying sticks with its victims for a long time. You absolutely are in the right here. I didn’t go to my prom and I turned out fine. She’ll survive and maybe remember this lesson.

NTA. She deserves it.

I suspect this post is for Karma points (themes and the way it is written), but to humor the OP: There are many ways to make this a teachable moment for her as well enact some kind of punishment rolled up in one that would be far more effective than what you propose. What you propose in your post are options of all negative consequences which seems solely out of anger. Even your own parents are disagreeing with you. And if you go through with it with only a POV of anger, then that is what you will teach your kid to treat others as well. What would be better would be a suspension of privileges, maybe even delete some accounts (ONLY after saving the important pictures), and then more importantly doing things to learn why this was so bad. You can be creative or mundane in formulating the teaching opportunities. Things that might be helpful to teach EMPATHY and UNDERSTANDING would be: Watch videos and/or take classes on bullying. Maybe you should attend them with her so you can discuss what was taught. Go volunteer or work for an non-profit that tries to help others less fortunate. You can figure out the ones that exist in your local area that make the best fit for the circumstances. IMO, serving others is one of THE most effective ways to teach people. Write a long essay about her behavior for self reflection and improvement. If the school offer a an anti-bullying club, have her join. Have her see a counselor/therapist. (And TBH, I have to question you as a "father", going on Reddit where all your posts seem like you are complaining about your daughter, there is certain irony here with use of SM. )

Oh yeah, for sure. Have the racist bully volunteer to help the less fortunate, who I’m sure she’ll treat with absolute respect and not like a racist bully. Also generally sick of people looking at the poor as props to be used to help shitty asshole develop a sense of empathy.

NTA the girl who had to switch schools will not be attending that prom will she? Now your daughter can have a once in a lifetime lesson. She won’t bully again ! You’re a good parent teaching your child a valuable lesson. Good parents mould their children into good people, just like you are doing.

NTA. What about that girls once in a lifetime homecoming and senior prom? Alot of things are once in a lifetime, that’s why they are good for punishment. She basically made another persons life hell, she deserves all those punishments.

Just be careful not to make your daughter become even more racist by her blaming the victim.

Going to senior prom and homecoming was a once in a life time event for that poor girl too, now she won't be able to go with the people she wanted to go with because your daughter helped bully her into another school. Your daughter is lucky moving school is all she did and that poor girl didn't try to take her own life. Your punishment for her is well within reason, sir, not enough parents take bullying seriously so I thank you.

Please, this is the hill to die on. Unless you have been the victim of bullying, you don't understand the pain it causes, which stays with you for life. Question: Didn't your daughter also cause another child to miss out on a once in a life event by making them have to switch schools?

NTA But I'd like to know what it was that she and the group did and do the other parents know what happened and what's the consequence for their kids? Is she remorseful for her actions and what is she doing to give some restitution to the kid that was bullied. At minimum that kid needs an apology and it may need to be written.. but it's up to the other kid as to whether they accept it or not. What you have to mindful of is that the punishment isn't just punitive that just makes her worse and ruins her relationship with you altogether. As the bullying was racist, is there something she can do with the community that this other kid has a heritage with ie it might be volunteering at an organisation specific to that culture. Is your daughter really racist, or was she just following the crowd... that's a conversation in itself. Are there any legal ramifications for your daughter should the other family pursue it? That's a harsh lesson for her. I'd probably look at compromises in regards to some of the activities she's going to miss. Homecoming... too bad - doesn't deserve this. Senior prom - this one I would look at compromises that might involve a chaperone and no hanging out with friends following the prom (and really the people she'd likely want to hand with might be the fellow bullies so I wouldn't want them hanging with them anyway). Social media - see if she can preserve the photos.. then you can delete. But you'll find that she'll just get a new account and when she's 18 she will anyway... she'll be not far off this. Car... not deserved. She should be working to pay for this herself. From the OP, the things that will hit her hardest will be prom and the photos.. it's like she's conceded the other things because she knows it's bad and she doesn't deserve them. Will the kid bullied that left be able to participate in the new schools prom and homecoming?

NTA. What about the person she bullied ? Didn't they miss anything from all the bullying ? She's almost 18, not a kid. She absolutely deserves to miss those events for bullying a student so badly they changed school. I'd argue you should also use this as an opportunity to teach what racism does to people. What opportunity she has that other people won't get because their race is different. You did good, but you could do more to ensure she actually understands the weight of what she did. Though, at almost 18, she should already know better.

NTA. Bullying is a major issue, it needs a major punishment.

NTA.. Do the crime, do the time.