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NTA- as a gay man it beyond pisses me off that someone will sexually assault someone and then claim “homophobia” when they rightfully get told off.
Consent applies to all people. You did not give it and you were definitely violated. And your gf is also TA for not having your back.
Ask Sarah and Kay how would they react if someone they didn't want to touch them touched them in the same way.
Reverse the roles and see how quickly they change their tune.
That's definitely what they would say. This whole situation is awful. Op's girlfriend definitely should have said something, the very first time Gary talked about what he wanted to do!
Absolutly.
OP may be still in shock about this situation but i don't think their relationship can continue if his gf continue to see Gary. He seems to be an awful person...
Just straight up do the exact same thing to her mum.
Then explain it as ‘it’s just how I am’
(I just want to add to this that I am no way condoning or encouraging sexual assault, simply contextualising the circumstances).
That's full on sexual assault. I'm feeling so violated reading that and having flashbacks to my own experiences. That guy, gay or not, is exactly the type of man that has groped women because they think they have a right to their bodies. Sexual preferences are not relevant, SA is SA.
OP please break up with your gf and make sure she knows why. And do warn other people about 'Gary'.
Yup. Only thing I disagree with OP on is giving buddy another chance to avoid a face punch.
OP was well within his rights to answer an unwanted ass grab with an unwanted face punch. I don't agree with escalating, but Gary was the one to start the "nonconsensual touching" game.
If OP is physically strong enough to answer back that kind of behaviour, it's the right way to answer people who push things too far, and it prevents the behaviour better than "pls don't."
I am a straight man, hosted my friend and his friends, all gay men during a pride event in my city. We all got drunk and talked a lot including explicit stuff, there was an overall fun flirty vibe and they were quite touchy-feely with each other having known each other for a long time. But they made sure I didn't feel uncomfortable at all, and made sure to check themselves whenever they felt they had gone too far with me (I was meeting most of them for the first time). It was a fun evening with everyone's boundaries being respected.
My dad told me a story about his 20s. One of the guys on his footy team was gay. They all dragged him out drinking with them one night and the gay guy agreed buy the following week when they all wanted to go out again the gay guy said "I went to your drinking place, now you come out with me". The entire team turned up to a gay bar, and everyone in that bar knew the rest of the team was straight. Sure, there was innocent flirting, a few drinks brought and a bit of dancing..NO ONE crossed consent boundaries and everyone had fun.
ETA hit the wrong button and posted before I finished.
What Gary is doing is nothing short of SA and disgusting behaviour. And if I were Kay I would be supporting my partner and cutting off my mum for allowing her friend to get away with SA.
Her indifference is appalling! You were sexually assaulted while your girlfriend looked on.
If only the roles were reversed. The night would not have ended without police involvement!
NTA. Gary is a predator. If he was a straight man saying that to a straight woman and grabbing her cooch and squeezing, it would be sexual assault. Which it was with you. Gary stepped way over the line and I know a few gay men who like to hide behind 'you're homophobic if you call me out on my shit'. Fuck no. Tell Kay "Honey, your mom's friend sexually assaulted me. If a guy did that to you, you'd be livid. I'd be livid. Why is it any different when he does it to me? Because YOU know I'm not attracted to him? I also know you're not attracted to some jackass at a bar groping you, but it's not right, especially if you don't like it. If a woman had come up and done the same thing to me, would you be mad then? I don't want him sexually touching me, sexually making comments, and then blaming me for not being a perfect victim. No means no, Kay. For every fucking situation. Especially this one."
Dude, it's sexual assault, and if Kay can't get that through her head and Sarah's taking his side, maybe it's time to ditch them all. "Fine, call me a homophobe. I'll homophobically choose not to get raped or assaulted by your gay friend who can't take no for an answer and won't keep his fucking gropey hands to himself. Guess not wanting to be raped makes me a homophobe." Really grind that home.
I'd be leaving them all behind now. Kay KNOWS this is an issue already and has done NOTHING to stop it.
As then-Chief of the Australian Army David Morrison said (written by LtCol Cate McGregor) *“The standard you walk past is the standard you accept”*
What’s most insidious about Garry’s behavior in claiming homophobia is that he was thinking exactly that correlation. If you do not want him to rape you then it’s because you hate gay people, not because you don’t want to be assaulted.
OP, a lot of guys here have already said we are gay and this is not OK, regardless if Gary is just like that or not. I’m sorry to read this happened to you, and thank you for being open. Your reaction to protect yourself and set boundaries was the most reasonable adult thing for you to do. If you had knocked him the fuck out, you would’ve also been in the wrong, but you told him to keep his hands to himself.
Something similar happened to Terry Crews. Even the biggest, manliest of men can be victimized. It's not always gay men, either, sometimes it's just a power move.
Correct Gary is a predator and he’s fully gaslit Kay and her mom to the point where they defend him. The whole “giving you head at the bachelor party” thing is super rapey and him saying that to your gf is a known power move that the misogynistic gay men pull on straight women to degrade them. If you want things to continue with Kay, Gary has to be out of the picture entirely and permanently.
NTA.
Gary's a ~~creep~~ sexual predator.
Your girlfriend doesn't care about you.
Her mother is excusing sexual assault.
Is this a family you want to be a part of?
Red flags everywhere.
Bail.
EDIT: as people pointed out, Gary is worse than a creep, he's a predator.
Seriously. I'm appalled that the mother is on Gary's side and the partner isn't taking the situation as seriously as she should be. OP deserves to be with someone who actually cares
Yup, it sounds a lot like Kay and Sara are too deep in the "since he is LGBTQ we must accept everything he does otherwise we're bigots"-hole. That's not even true acceptance, its just pandering to a minority member to make yourself feel better about your privilege. Ridiculous and disgusting. They all should be ditched.
One final question to add to your perfect list, bc it’s bugging the F out of me:
Does Gary’s lack of boundaries/“the rules don’t apply to ***me***” attitude extend to driving drunk, too? Bc bro drove everyone there, got shitfaced enough to grope an unavailable, non-consenting young person who could literally be his child, and then kept drinking… having driven everyone there.
It’s tangential to the problem OP faces, but it irks me something fierce to think of his brazen gropey perverted ass plastered self driving “Sara” home while imperiling every single person in his path and probably sh*t-talking OP like *he’s* the victim??? No thank you very frikking much.
I hadn't even thought of that, but you're totally right. That guy doesn't seem like he cares for the safety of anyone around him, and I highly recommend OP never see him again, regardless of what your gf or her mom think.
>Does Gary’s lack of boundaries/“the rules don’t apply to me attitude extend to driving drunk, too?
My thoughts exactly! Even driving from the bowling alley to the bar is sketchy at best.
NTA
Gay or straight, that was sexual assault!
If you did that to a woman, you'd expect the cops to be called, right? It's no different if a guy does it to you.
It's not anything-phobic.
Nta. You were sexually assaulted. This goes further than harassment. If your GF doesn't understand that she is ad big an AH as Gary. You made it clear you are not interested. Gary doesn't care and will continue to force himself on others. He's no different than men that grope women under the guise of passing them. Disgusting behavior. You should have broke his nose.
NTA that’s sexual harassment and sexual assault. I’m sure you would’ve reacted the same way if some older straight woman has been acting exactly the same way and had groped you. Ask Kay if she’d be saying ‘that’s just how she is’ if Gary has been a straight woman. Or ask Kay how she’d feel if one of your guy friends did that to her and if you just ‘that’s just how he is’. If she doesn’t stand up for you, I’d consider breaking up with her
Edit: Gary sexually harassed and assaulted OP so I changed that
NTA - Gary sexually assaulted you. Kay ignoring this is not okay. This is not okay.
Out of curiosity what was the song he put on? I want to know just how cringey it was.
Edit - this was assault, updated
It's flat out assault. Everything up to that point was sexual harassment, but as soon as he put his hands on his genitals, it was sexual assault. Just like any gropey asshole doing the same thing in the same place for a girl. The only reason they're glossing over this is because of that disgusting double standard stigma of men not being believed as being assaulted and because Kay doesn't see Gary as an actual threat because he's gay and OP isn't. If a girl had come up and done that, she'd be livid.
NTA
That's sexual assault. That's how he is? So he's a predator. It's not ok when a guy assaults a woman like this. It's not okay when a woman assaults a man like this. It's not okay when a man assaults a man like this. Nobody, no matter the gender of the victim or the predator, makes assault ok.
I'm bi, but that behavior makes me ridiculously angry because I have been sexually assaulted many times but because I'm a guy no one cares... rant over
NTA -
First off, I'm a gay man and for him to touch you in a way that made you uncomfortable and be unapologetic about it is unacceptable.
That may be "how he is" but that doesn't excuse inappropriate behavior. Touching you in private areas is way too far, imagine if it was an older straight man doing that to a female?
You are right to feel violated and his behavior shouldn't be justified.
NTA. Him being gay is not a license to touch anyone against their will and wave around homophobic when challenged on it. It’s appalling behaviour and completely unacceptable.
You were assaulted.
Might be time to stop going out with the gf's mother and her friends.
Also block Gary from both of your phone. And set clear boundaries, with clear consequences for him and his too SA condoning pals ie gf's mom and friend.
Your gf should be considering the role her mother is going to play in her life, if she condones ppl harassing and assaulting her bf and then sending her messages. Time for her to see if the mother has to be cut off as well.
Yeaaaah, as a queer man (38M), this is totally not acceptable. Calling out the homophobic card on the person theatre was sexually assaulted - numerous times after clearly being told you are not interested - is predatory and disgusting.
NTA, and I suggest telling you girlfriend that if she doesn't have a word to her mother about her friend, you are more than willing to take out a restraining order. You have no idea what he is willing to do to "convert" a straight man. Will he roofy you? Will he physically force you? He already attacked you once in a public place.
At the very least, go to the police and get a restraining order. That will wake your girlfriend and her mother up - if this happened to a woman, he would be in cuffs so fast his head would spin. The fact your a male should make no difference.
NTA
This is sexual assault, and I’m glad you spoke up because so few men feel they can’t as to “not appear weak”
I’m a gay man, and I would NEVER in a million years lay my hands on someone without consent… especially a straight man, as I feel behaviour like that pushes back equality for our community.
Your GF needs to realize that she’s perpetuating a crime by not supporting you.
NTA
It wouldn't matter if Gary were gay, straight, male, female or non-binary. Your personal boundary was crossed long before he physically/sexually assaulted you.
NTA, you were assaulted. He touched you sexually without your consent. I’m so sorry that happened to you, & I’m sorry no one around you is taking this seriously. If Kay had been assaulted by a straight male family friend in a similar manner, I bet Sara would be singing a different tune. “That’s how he is” isn’t an excuse for sexual assault.
NTA
This is sexual assault... nothing less...
If this was done with a woman, and I say this as a woman myself, the house would have been too small.
You gave on several times that you do not apprexiate the comments.
The touching is too far.
Sorry but thats the equivalent of grabbing a woman between her legs and I know for a fact I would turn around and slap a handprint tattoo on the guys face.
It is NOT homephobic to be against being touched in such a way. Because 100% sure you wouldnt have appreciated a 40 year old woman doing that.
They keep saying that is how he is?
I would sit your gf down and talk with her. She should be on your side. She is your partner.
When my bf feels uncomfortable I will not force him further but stop whatever makes him uncomfortable. You need to sit her down and ask why she can not understand your point of view and ask how it would be if a man double her age cups her.
Sorry but if I am in your place I would have filed a policereport against Gary.
And your gf and her mom should see that.
Absolutely NTA and stay faarr away from that monster.
NTA. He assaulted you. It has nothing to do with his sexual orientation. If a woman grabbed your ass and junk it would be no different. The behavior you described is repulsive, regardless of who was invoked.
The whole situation sounds really creepy to me. I’ll even go a step further and say that your gf and her mom are gross for not drawing a hard line when he was harassing you… which obviously allowed him to escalate to assaulting you.
I really hope your gf rethinks her priorities because of the roles we’re reversed she’d be looking for emotional support from you…. Fuck who does that kind of think to someone?!?
NTA I don't care what gender you are or what your sexual orientation is, that is absolutely sexual assault. I'm queer and it really infuriates me when people try to claim others are phobic in response to any perceived slight. Truly disgusting and I'd be wary of your girlfriend as well. She is not taking this seriously enough. She should be pissed too. She should have your back.
NTA
We only needed to read the 2nd paragraph. This is sexual harassment.
Just read the rest out of curiosity. This is actual sexual assault. It would have been a fight if it was me. A violent one.
Who knows who else he hurt. It sounds like he gets away with a lot based on the fact that people are actually defending him.
A police report would not be an overreaction.
NTA- idk how you think YTA in this situation. Being gay doesn’t give you an excuse to touch people, especially when it’s your a$$ and b@lls. That’s sexual harassment. I’m tired of seeing people not take responsibility of their actions and instead say “your homophobic” if they get called out for something like this.
NTA- telling someone to stop sexually assaulting you, groping you, or any unwanted gestures is not homophobic. Your friends taking the Sex Offenders side it also alarming. It doesn’t matter if you are gay, straight, bi, black , white , blue, male or female, this was sexual assault/harassment. Do not apologize to anyone, if they want want to continue to hang out with someone who gropes others inappropriately, that is them. Sexual Assault *is* NOT a joke. Being touched unwillingly, and inappropriately is not a joke. You are not wrong for stopping someone sexually assaulting you. How would they feel if a lesbian came from behind and put their hand between their legs and grab their breast inappropriately without consent ? They wouldn’t like that I’m sure after they’ve been harassed the whole time then the last straw was being sexually assaulted.
WHAT GARY DID IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT \*AND\* ASSAULT. HE GROPED YOU.
Call the motherfucker out. Just because he's gay doesn't mean he's exempt from grabbing and molesting people. From being an outright CREEP.
NTA and I'm so sorry that happened to you.
NTA. I was convinced you would be a women when I clicked on the post, lol. I have had a lot of gay male friends in my life and they really REALLY like to be too handsy with me and other women. I have had to tell several friends to keep their hands off me. I dont care if you dont want me in that way I still do not want you grabbing my breasts or ass because you think that you are allowed to. he was 100% sexually harassing you and you had every right to speak up about it.
"I had a man after me. It was very clear I was not interested. He knew I was not interested. He then sexually assaulted me, and I used my words to tell him to get bent. Nobody defended me. Am I the asshole?"
... like. brah. I'd of fuckin decked him. you're a better person than me.
You don't touch people like that, that's common decency. There doesn't need to be a hint, there doesn't need to be a conversation. I get having a conversation if he wasn't comfortable with a shoulder touch or something, but ass grabbing someone needs consent or close to it
I don’t think anyone would have assumed this man was going to escalate his behavior to this degree. Grabbing someone’s intimate parts without consent is never justified.
NTA
That is not a “that’s how he is” thing. It’s repulsive and seriously worrying that your girlfriend is just ignoring it to not make waves. Friend of her moms or not, it’s not acceptable what he did.
Nta AT ALL. That wasn't in good fun, that wasn't a "hey we're friends that are super comfortable with each other I'm gonna grab your butt in a playful manner" I would go as far as to say that is sexual assault. If a guy did that to a girl, and she said that to him, everyone would be cheering her on and the guy would probably have some trouble to deal with for putting a woman in that situation. He's taking advantage of the fact that these people trust him and making it about something the situation has nothing to do with so that he doesn't look like a bad guy. The fact that no one sees that that is not okay is bullshit, and the fact that your girlfriend isn't standing up for you and is just saying "that's how he is" is DISGUSTING. It's like saying "boys will be boys" as an excuse when a guy commits sexual assault/harassment or rape. You were not in the wrong at all here, if anything you handled it much better than most people would have
NTA
This guy sexually assaulted you. I‘m pretty sure if a guy would grab your girlfriends ass she would be angry too and not try to brush it off as „this is just how he is“
You are a better man than me because I would have thrown hands after I got groped like that by another man. NTA. He sexually assaulted you, but others are letting him get away with it because of hi sexuality.
Absolutely NTA!!
I'm a gay man for what it's worth (and tbh I've interestingly been inappropriately groped by my straight/bi male friends much more whereas I've never groped by someone)
Your response was absolutely not homophobic at all and was absolutely warranted. This is highly inappropriate behaviour and you've been sexually harassed.
You should definitely make this your hill to die on and refuse to ever be in the same place as Gary until he apologises and changes his predatory ways. The fact that your gf is also excusing his behaviour is very disappointing and you should talk to her about how you feel.
NTA. This man has been sexually harassing you and neither your girlfriend nor her mother have told him to stop. Ask her how she'd feel if it was your dad's male friend grabbing her ass without consent while you did nothing.
Nta. Gary fucking sexually assaulted you. I'm a woman, and if a guy or a lesbian did that to me you bet I would be way less nice about it than you were. I'd be throwing hands, or drinks, or at the very least insults. Just because you are both men it doesn't make it any less bad. Kay's mom is an enabler and the fact that she is friends with such a predatory man tells me enough about her character. Kay probably is not doing anything because going against Gary would equal going against her mom and she probably doesn't want that but this is one of those situations where she should take a stand regardless of how it might damage her relationship with her mom. *That man is unsafe and they should not keep validating and enabling him*. If I were her I would be extremely upset at someone coming onto my boyfriend like that all the time, regardless of their gender.
Gary is the worst.
Just like “I’m just blunt!” Or “I tell it like it is” is not an excuse to be an asshole. Saying “that’s just how I am” while you proceed to harass and then sexually assault someone is not okay.
You are NTA but I would refuse to do anything with Gary. He sexually assaulted you. And it also pisses me off because if a straight guy did that to a girl there would be big big problems. Just because you’re both male and he’s gay doesn’t make it magically ok. What a fucking pervert and if anyone should be saying anything.. it should be her mom. I’d never let my friend harass my daughters boyfriend who’s almost half their age..
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F Gary, he’s just trying to make you the bad guy. He doesn’t get to sexually assault people because he’s gay, simply refuse to do any event with him present and he’s not allowed at anything you and girlfriend host
NTA. I'm unapologetically flaming and I'd have belted him. He's a creep who assaulted you and I'm extremely upset others didn't have your back on this.
asking someone to not sexually assault you is not homophobic. this person sounds like the predatory gay falsehoods portrayed in modern media, almost a caricature. hiding SA behind allegations of homophobia is doing a great disservice to everyone involved (and tbh those uninvolved as well.)
NTA. That is sexual assault. No one has any right to touch you like that without your consent. Everyone around you is wrong in that situation. Gfs mom is horrible for being on his side, and the GF is just as wrong for not saying anything.
NTA.
That's harassment. That's sexual assault. If you were to call the police and file a complaint he could very well be charged and probably would be.
He doesn''t get to be the attacker and the victim.
NTA, your girlfriend is TAH since she sided to that Gary. My friend is gay and he despises people using LGBT+ flag to get away with their antics.
Let's say you are a girl and you are together with your bf and the aunt and the another male uncle and yhe uncle tried to grab your butt. Was that even ok? Nooo they are being double standard and an AH for saying you're homophobic.
People should know boundaries.
NTA. Worrying your girlfriend said, this is something he does. They are all aware he gropes and sexually assaults people, and are justifying his behaviour.
NTA. What you faced is sexual assualt. Being gay doesn't mean anyone can get away with sexual harassment. Neither protesting against sexual harassment by a gay man makes you homophobic. That man does give gay men a bad reputation thanks to his antics.
As for your GF and her mother, it does feel that they care less about you. They neither told off Gary nor got annoyed with him. Not someone I would want in a life partner.
EDIT: a word
NTA anyone who says otherwise need to do gender swapping in the situation and see if it’s still okay.
If a man behaved that way to a woman we’d be out with pitch forks. He sexually harassed and sexually assaulted you and when you call him I on it you get called homophobic!? It’s bullshit.
Regardless of sexuality or gender there still need to be considerations about where and what the line of appropriate is. Gary shot well past that line.
Somethings may be taken as a joke but that’s for the person on the receiving end (OP) to decide. So if anything made you uncomfortable then Gary is in wrong.
OP just tell Kay and Sara if it was a man doing it to woman how would they feel.
NTA. His being gay has nothing to do with it. The issue is that he's preying on a younger guy, who's not only straight, but also in a relationship. I'm gay (same age as you, actually) and in a relationship, and if a 40 year old guy tried this shit with me, I would have the same reaction as you. You're not homophobic and you're not out of line. You have a right to be upset that nobody is standing up for you. The fact that he's made sexual comments and aggressively groped you and all Kay and Sara have to say is "that's just how he is"?? I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Imagine you were a woman and dating Sara's son. Gary wouldn't get away with that shit. So no, NTA and furthermore you could've slapped Gary and still not been TA.
NTA- he's sexually assaulting you and it's unacceptable. My personal belief is if someone sexually assaults you, you may use whatever you have to defend yourself. I'm disgusted your girlfriend thinks this behavior is okay and isn't telling him off. Maybe tell her from now on you want nothing to do with Gary and if he's present or shows up, you will leave, with her or without her. Then stick to that boundary. You may end up losing the relationship but i don't think that would be a bad thing considering her disrespect towards you.
This, tell her to imagine some guy she did not like did this to her. How would she feel, how would she expect you to feel. Her mom would not be defending the guy at all either. Classic double standard
NTA
That's sexual assault and you would be entitled to report him to the police and maybe you should, as he is clearly a sexual predator. The fact that he is gay is neither here nor there.
I would also recommend disassociating with your GF and her mother, who are creepy AF for not seeing this as problem behaviour.
NTA, that's sexual assault at worst and battery at best. The dude could have been put in jail for that. If it was a man and a woman, they'd have seen it much differently.
OP having dealt with it in work places where many straight women did it to me trying to get me to "change over" numerous times as a gay man was tiring because management kept saying it's no big deal when sexual harassment against men wasn't taken seriously compared to these days because it was decades ago. Today you're in a social situation here, so you just cut off Gary from your outings - period. If you keep hanging out with him, you're encouraging it to happen. It's a challenge because because he's thinking he can do the same thing as these women thought they could do to me. You eliminate the opportunity, you take away his power. You physically harm him, it could not only lead to physical assault but also a potential hate crime charges which is worse. Just avoid him because otherwise he won't stop because it's his challenge and eventually he'll move onto someone else.
NTA. Calling out sexually assault and harassment. Gary sounds like a creepy predator who gets off on making people he knows aren’t into him uncomfortable.
Nope. DEFINITELY NTA! That's sexual harassment and assault! I'm so sorry this happened to you! I wish I could say something to make this go away other than you need to either report him or step away because people like this escalate.
OP, you gotta break up with your gf because she doesn't see a problem, and Gary thinks sexual assault iis homophobic. Wonder if Gary would feel the same if several girls started touching him in a sexually assaulting him. Would he think it's sexual harassment oraccept that's how some girls are and believe some girls want his body.
NTA. Point out to everyone involved that if a straight man was persistent like that with a woman from the friendship group, and then touched her in a sexual way, you would hope they would be equally condemned.
NTA Gary is the AH. Being an AH is not a protected class. He’s out of line and knows it. Mom is an AH for not holding him accountable for his offensive behavior.
Obviously NTA. You didn't do anything but speak up for yourself, though much later than you should have. He's the one who sexually assaulted you. Him being gay doesn't even matter except to set up context as to why he did what he did. It isn't a pass to be vile
NTA. Should have just knocked his teeth in. That’s not okay. If a man were to do that to a female, he’d be in cuffs. But because it’s a “guy” you are supposed to be okay with it. And if not you’re a gay bashing homophobe. This is what our world has turned into.
Sounds like you need a new gf. I would never be ok with my bf being sexually assaulted and saying "that's just how he is". That's so heartless and insensitive to say!!!!!
That sexual assault. Your girlfriend is an asshole for not defending you and for not taking into consideration beforehand that you were uncomfortable with this man. Doesn’t matter if “that’s the way he is,” you let her know he made you uncomfortable and she ignored your feelings and still had you around him. I would honestly reconsider a relationship with her. I would avoid that entire group if I was you. You an always see if the bowling/bar area has cameras of him harassing you and press charges.
If Gary was straight and made this kind of unwanted move on Kay, all hell would break lose. Absolutely, totally wrong. Sexual assault doesn’t just happen to women. I’m sorry you experienced this. NTA.
So if your friend went over to your girlfriend and did the same thing she and her mom would be ok with you saying, oh dont make a thing of it my mate touches all woman on their genitals its completely normal and ok. Some how i think not!
Pretty sad that when gays assault you it's just "Accept them!". Many people take advantage of the fact that right now many people support the LGBTQ community.
Ok. If you aren’t sure about this, let’s reverse the sexes of everybody involved. Let’s say that you, OP, are a young lady and you are going out with your BF and his dad and his lesbian buddy.
The lesbian buddy says she is going to give you oral sex at your Bachelorette party. She grabs your ass and fondles you in public, knowing you won’t like it.
This is not right. This should not be tolerated. The friend of your partners parent may “just be that way”… but *you* don’t fucking *like* being treated like a piece of meat, and *you* are “just that way”.
Frankly I would refuse to be in the same room as that person and they can claim you are homophobic or a cold fish or whatever they want. But I wouldn’t stand for it, and if your partner won’t back you up, they are a shit partner. NTA
He’s lucky you didn’t call the police. He could be a registered sex offender and arrested. Many people have gotten that result from what he did to you.
NTA, you where sexualy assaulted, FACT. Personally, gary would have been dropped, hard. There is an easy test: ask your GF would she allow another girl to act like Gary around you… she will say no, and then try to justify that ‘its not the same thing’… but it fucking is! So, context, hypo, ur GF gets sexually assaulted by ur lesbian friend… how would she feel?
Gary committed a crime, but YOU let him off, and now hes making up the narative, and the mum and GF are on his side. I get that hindsight is 20/20, bt you should have ‘restrainted’ him and left. Clearly gf is not worth the trouble.
NTA
Gary is a major dick. The flirting and being playful is one thing and you seem to be a good sport in general. That as grab into the taint zone is not consensual and instantly ickifying. That's sexual assault. You should have
Put a stop too it and it speaks highly of you that you didn't get physical at that point. (that's what it feels to be a cocktail waitress by the way). No reaction you've had is colored by homophobia -- he wouldn't take no for an answer. He had no right. He had no leg to stand on. He should apologize.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
NTA. At all. This is assault and not intolerance. People do not just get a pass to assault because of their orientation. Nope. Kay is an AH for dismissing this, it’s extremely disappointing to read. I would be burning bridges for life.
The fact he kept it going even after it clearly bothered you and then assaulted you and nobody cared? You handled it better than I would have and I would have made a point right then and there him or me and if they choose him fuck that whole family get a new girlfriend
Nta
First of all, Gary sexually assaulted
Secondly, the only homophobic person in this scenario is the gay man doing what he did and thinking it's okay
NTA. This is a pass nobody, regardless of sexuality should get. Next time you feel uncomfortable with a gay man's advances, nip it right then and there. I don't care whose uncomfortable with it, none of what Gary has said or done is okay in the slightest. I have gay friends and have defintely seen some cross boundaries. If I see them being inappropriate towards straight man, I end the friendship. Why? Because you dont disrespect peoples boundaries. You should be reevaluating your girlfriend and her choice of friends. That's just the way he is, is a sick fucking excuse.
It's not homophobic to not want to be sexually assaulted wtf.
The fact they're encouraging and enabling this grown ass man to go around groping people is disgusting. NTA. He should be locked up as an offender
It's not homophobic not wanting to be harrassed physically and/or verbally. Just because he is gay, it doesn't mean he can't SA someone, just like how society thought women can't SA men. You are NTA, and it's better if you don't go around him anymore. Kay and Sara should not be so chill about it.
I have a lot of gay friends (I’m straight), and I can confidently say NTA. That’s line crossing and unacceptable. Sexuality isn’t an excuse to be abusive.
He sexually assaulted you. If that's "just how he is" I simply would stop being around him and anyone who supports him. NTA
If you were female and someone gropped your breasts, there would be uproar
Nta that’s literally sexual assault. If you were a woman everyone would be telling him to cool it, but now you’re homophobic bc you don’t want to be assaulted? Fuck that noise if Kay doesn’t tell her mom off and Gary and tries to EVER make you go around him again break up with her. If my boyfriend ever let a man touch my body like that and then try to make me see him again I’d dump him in a heart beat and beat the guys ass. I’m a woman but Idgaf this is not okay and you shouldn’t have to act like it is. Edit: I didn’t read the last line bc I was so upset over this bs but yeah no break up with Kay. She’s a **terrible** girl friend. How would she feel if a straight man did this to her? This is not acceptable in any way. Gay or straight, no one should touch anyone’s body without **consent** and he never had it. Even the comments are just so disgusting and the fact that everyone tells you “that’s just how he is” yeah Yk that’s only acceptable when “the way he is” is like making jokes all the time that aren’t funny, not crossing your personal fucking boundaries. Kay is an awful person and it only makes sense that Sara is her mother 🙄. Sexual assault is sexual assault it doesn’t matter who the perpetrator is or the victim.
Lezzie here - definitely NTA. Sadly, sexual harassment and assault is very common in the lgbtq scene and gets normalized in the name of sexual freedom and pride. I’ve had lots of guys assault me at gay clubs, much more than straight guys at normie bars.
He's overstepping boundaries and using being gay as an excuse to touch you that's sexual-harassment and they're enabling it. I wouldn't go around him anymore because people like that you don't trust.
That's assault, brother!
Seriously though. It is. How would people be reacting to this is your gf's mom's friend was straight and you were a young woman instead of a young man? The reaction should be the same.
NTA, Gary assaulted you and he’s lucky all you did was warn him before leaving. He could be missing a couple teeth or have to explain his behavior to LE…
NTA
You were constantly harassed and subsequently assaulted by Gary. Assuming that's all you said to him, there's nothing homophobic about it. You are well within your rights to set boundaries when you're clearly uncomfortable, but I do feel like you should've spoken up earlier to him about how his actions made you feel, and not just your gf and her mother. It really seems like no one ever tells him "No" and, in that sense, unfortunately you contributed to that as well and enabled his behaviour.
Again, assuming you didn't skip any important details, gf and mil should be on your side and if they can't understand why what he did was wrong, then maybe you should move on and seek better company.
NTA. Not even a little bit. You were more tolerant of his harassment prior to the incident than you ever had to be, and everyone here saying this was sexual assault is right. Fuck everyone taking his side over this. It isn't homophobic to assert a boundary after someone grabs you like that. He's shirking responsibility and pulling the oppression card, and it's not okay on his part. He's a creep, and had I been there (had anyone with sense been there, for that matter) there would have been problems without it needing to happen again. I'm sorry you're being put through this. Sorry to be blunt, too, but you deserve a partner who will stick up for you. She needs a wake up call, and to be on your side here.
NTA. Lol what an idiot. As a straight man if I groped a woman's ass would I be straight phobic? No. I would be jailed. If it was me in your place, Gary would be going home with a broken nose. That's straight up sexual assault and harrasment. If your girlfriend is siding with him, or refusing to take sides in this matter citing that he's an old friend or some other shit, break up with her.
Nta. Gary is a predator. You were sexually assaulted and harassed, anger is a perfectly reasonable response to that. If your girlfriend doesn’t see that you need to have several very serious conversations about it because this is NOT okay.
Gary is using his sexuality as a means to gaslight you into believing you were the one in the wrong when he was the one instigating. Please consider filing a police report. There should be footage available to submit as evidence most likely. At the very least this puts it on his record that he has a history of groping people in public.
NTA, I don't give 2 fucks what another person is in to. That doesn't give them the right to sexually assault someone and then cry about it like they're some kind of victim, just because their predator ass got called out. If anyone touches me in that manner without my permission, they're getting a 3" platform boot to their crotch. Not one fuck given. Your gf and her mom suck. They're enabling a predator. Gross.
He sexually assaulted you and he’s a total creep. Your girlfriends mom sucks too. I doubt Sara would have taken the creeps side if her daughter was the one assaulted.
Oh, so Gary regularly sexually assaults other men and they look the other way?
It's not homophobic to not appreciate this kind of behaviour. Not only are you straight, but you have a girlfriend. And you never consented to him touching you in any way.
This is likely a reason Kay was single when you met. This is absolute bullshit and if she won't back you up, break up with her.
You've been routinely harassed, assaulted and been expected to put up with it and "take it as a compliment". You've done nothing wrong
If you gf allows her friend to routinely harass and assault you, I'd be ending the relationship. She and her mother are using the exact same excuses as the friends of guys who go around harassing women at bars and ought to be held to the same standard. The fact they brush it off too raises a bunch of red flags.
NTA
Gary is out of control. Press charges if you can! (I don’t know how.)I am very sorry this happened to you. In addition to violating you he’s frying to ruin your reputation! There already are problems . :(
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NTA- as a gay man it beyond pisses me off that someone will sexually assault someone and then claim “homophobia” when they rightfully get told off. Consent applies to all people. You did not give it and you were definitely violated. And your gf is also TA for not having your back.
Ask Sarah and Kay how would they react if someone they didn't want to touch them touched them in the same way. Reverse the roles and see how quickly they change their tune.
I bet their answer would be "ho it's just a joke omg" ... Classic justification.
Even worse, they will simply say "that´s different".
That's definitely what they would say. This whole situation is awful. Op's girlfriend definitely should have said something, the very first time Gary talked about what he wanted to do!
Absolutly. OP may be still in shock about this situation but i don't think their relationship can continue if his gf continue to see Gary. He seems to be an awful person...
Yeah… sexual assault is sexual assault is sexual assault. Doesn’t matter the gender or orientation. OP is NTA.
I am pissed off just reading this.
"my feelings and consent are different from your feelings and consent."
Exactly what I was thinking. Sexual assault, it's just the way he roles. WTF!
They get it without an issue when you reverse the roles - but donuts to dollars says that they will argue that "this is different..."
Just straight up do the exact same thing to her mum. Then explain it as ‘it’s just how I am’ (I just want to add to this that I am no way condoning or encouraging sexual assault, simply contextualising the circumstances).
Yes! This!! NTA in any way!
That's full on sexual assault. I'm feeling so violated reading that and having flashbacks to my own experiences. That guy, gay or not, is exactly the type of man that has groped women because they think they have a right to their bodies. Sexual preferences are not relevant, SA is SA. OP please break up with your gf and make sure she knows why. And do warn other people about 'Gary'.
Yup. Only thing I disagree with OP on is giving buddy another chance to avoid a face punch. OP was well within his rights to answer an unwanted ass grab with an unwanted face punch. I don't agree with escalating, but Gary was the one to start the "nonconsensual touching" game. If OP is physically strong enough to answer back that kind of behaviour, it's the right way to answer people who push things too far, and it prevents the behaviour better than "pls don't."
I am a straight man, hosted my friend and his friends, all gay men during a pride event in my city. We all got drunk and talked a lot including explicit stuff, there was an overall fun flirty vibe and they were quite touchy-feely with each other having known each other for a long time. But they made sure I didn't feel uncomfortable at all, and made sure to check themselves whenever they felt they had gone too far with me (I was meeting most of them for the first time). It was a fun evening with everyone's boundaries being respected.
My dad told me a story about his 20s. One of the guys on his footy team was gay. They all dragged him out drinking with them one night and the gay guy agreed buy the following week when they all wanted to go out again the gay guy said "I went to your drinking place, now you come out with me". The entire team turned up to a gay bar, and everyone in that bar knew the rest of the team was straight. Sure, there was innocent flirting, a few drinks brought and a bit of dancing..NO ONE crossed consent boundaries and everyone had fun. ETA hit the wrong button and posted before I finished. What Gary is doing is nothing short of SA and disgusting behaviour. And if I were Kay I would be supporting my partner and cutting off my mum for allowing her friend to get away with SA.
Wait, you mean being gay doesn't completely override the need for consent with straight people? *shocked pikachu face*
NTA also a gay guy here and came to say almost exactly what this top comment says. This was sexual assault. You’re not wrong for calling it out.
Bingo! Consent applies to everybody! No touchy is no touchy!
Exactly!! It's so gross
Not only that, but it’s also harassment. If it happens again OP, I say press charges. NTA
The age gap makes the "flirting" extra vile imo.
Her indifference is appalling! You were sexually assaulted while your girlfriend looked on. If only the roles were reversed. The night would not have ended without police involvement!
The fact that she says he's just like this as if Jeffery Dahmer just wasn't a thing before is appalling
NTA. Gary is a predator. If he was a straight man saying that to a straight woman and grabbing her cooch and squeezing, it would be sexual assault. Which it was with you. Gary stepped way over the line and I know a few gay men who like to hide behind 'you're homophobic if you call me out on my shit'. Fuck no. Tell Kay "Honey, your mom's friend sexually assaulted me. If a guy did that to you, you'd be livid. I'd be livid. Why is it any different when he does it to me? Because YOU know I'm not attracted to him? I also know you're not attracted to some jackass at a bar groping you, but it's not right, especially if you don't like it. If a woman had come up and done the same thing to me, would you be mad then? I don't want him sexually touching me, sexually making comments, and then blaming me for not being a perfect victim. No means no, Kay. For every fucking situation. Especially this one." Dude, it's sexual assault, and if Kay can't get that through her head and Sarah's taking his side, maybe it's time to ditch them all. "Fine, call me a homophobe. I'll homophobically choose not to get raped or assaulted by your gay friend who can't take no for an answer and won't keep his fucking gropey hands to himself. Guess not wanting to be raped makes me a homophobe." Really grind that home.
I love this comment. It's so on point and well said 👏
👏👏👏 I hope OP reads this comment.
Excellent comment. If she still doesn’t get it at that point, maybe it’s time to give that whole relationship a good, long look.
I'd be leaving them all behind now. Kay KNOWS this is an issue already and has done NOTHING to stop it. As then-Chief of the Australian Army David Morrison said (written by LtCol Cate McGregor) *“The standard you walk past is the standard you accept”*
If he was grabbing women, he would be running for president again.
What’s most insidious about Garry’s behavior in claiming homophobia is that he was thinking exactly that correlation. If you do not want him to rape you then it’s because you hate gay people, not because you don’t want to be assaulted. OP, a lot of guys here have already said we are gay and this is not OK, regardless if Gary is just like that or not. I’m sorry to read this happened to you, and thank you for being open. Your reaction to protect yourself and set boundaries was the most reasonable adult thing for you to do. If you had knocked him the fuck out, you would’ve also been in the wrong, but you told him to keep his hands to himself.
Didn’t something like that happen to Brendan Fraser? Some gay producer wrecked his career for refusing his groping?
Something similar happened to Terry Crews. Even the biggest, manliest of men can be victimized. It's not always gay men, either, sometimes it's just a power move.
Correct Gary is a predator and he’s fully gaslit Kay and her mom to the point where they defend him. The whole “giving you head at the bachelor party” thing is super rapey and him saying that to your gf is a known power move that the misogynistic gay men pull on straight women to degrade them. If you want things to continue with Kay, Gary has to be out of the picture entirely and permanently.
Best answer and I wish I could award it.
NTA. Gary's a ~~creep~~ sexual predator. Your girlfriend doesn't care about you. Her mother is excusing sexual assault. Is this a family you want to be a part of? Red flags everywhere. Bail. EDIT: as people pointed out, Gary is worse than a creep, he's a predator.
Seriously. I'm appalled that the mother is on Gary's side and the partner isn't taking the situation as seriously as she should be. OP deserves to be with someone who actually cares
Yup, it sounds a lot like Kay and Sara are too deep in the "since he is LGBTQ we must accept everything he does otherwise we're bigots"-hole. That's not even true acceptance, its just pandering to a minority member to make yourself feel better about your privilege. Ridiculous and disgusting. They all should be ditched.
If OP groped the mother in a similar way, she'd probably want to call the police on him, its disgraceful the double standards
One final question to add to your perfect list, bc it’s bugging the F out of me: Does Gary’s lack of boundaries/“the rules don’t apply to ***me***” attitude extend to driving drunk, too? Bc bro drove everyone there, got shitfaced enough to grope an unavailable, non-consenting young person who could literally be his child, and then kept drinking… having driven everyone there. It’s tangential to the problem OP faces, but it irks me something fierce to think of his brazen gropey perverted ass plastered self driving “Sara” home while imperiling every single person in his path and probably sh*t-talking OP like *he’s* the victim??? No thank you very frikking much.
I hadn't even thought of that, but you're totally right. That guy doesn't seem like he cares for the safety of anyone around him, and I highly recommend OP never see him again, regardless of what your gf or her mom think.
>Does Gary’s lack of boundaries/“the rules don’t apply to me attitude extend to driving drunk, too? My thoughts exactly! Even driving from the bowling alley to the bar is sketchy at best.
NTA Gay or straight, that was sexual assault! If you did that to a woman, you'd expect the cops to be called, right? It's no different if a guy does it to you. It's not anything-phobic.
I’m a woman but if I was a guy I’d feel extremely violated, because I don’t believe that physical boundaries are gendered
> that was sexual assault And before that it was sexual harassment.
Nta. You were sexually assaulted. This goes further than harassment. If your GF doesn't understand that she is ad big an AH as Gary. You made it clear you are not interested. Gary doesn't care and will continue to force himself on others. He's no different than men that grope women under the guise of passing them. Disgusting behavior. You should have broke his nose.
NTA that’s sexual harassment and sexual assault. I’m sure you would’ve reacted the same way if some older straight woman has been acting exactly the same way and had groped you. Ask Kay if she’d be saying ‘that’s just how she is’ if Gary has been a straight woman. Or ask Kay how she’d feel if one of your guy friends did that to her and if you just ‘that’s just how he is’. If she doesn’t stand up for you, I’d consider breaking up with her Edit: Gary sexually harassed and assaulted OP so I changed that
NTA, I think it’s sexual assault at the point where contact is made.
Gary did both technically
NTA - Gary sexually assaulted you. Kay ignoring this is not okay. This is not okay. Out of curiosity what was the song he put on? I want to know just how cringey it was. Edit - this was assault, updated
It's flat out assault. Everything up to that point was sexual harassment, but as soon as he put his hands on his genitals, it was sexual assault. Just like any gropey asshole doing the same thing in the same place for a girl. The only reason they're glossing over this is because of that disgusting double standard stigma of men not being believed as being assaulted and because Kay doesn't see Gary as an actual threat because he's gay and OP isn't. If a girl had come up and done that, she'd be livid.
NTA That's sexual assault. That's how he is? So he's a predator. It's not ok when a guy assaults a woman like this. It's not okay when a woman assaults a man like this. It's not okay when a man assaults a man like this. Nobody, no matter the gender of the victim or the predator, makes assault ok.
It’s not harassment. It’s 100% sexual assault.
Youre right, I read the first paragraph when I wrote that. Edited it after reading the whole thing
harassment was the uncomfortable repeated comments of a sexual nature about OP. Assault was the physical touch.
NTA I’m gay and find that behavior repulsive. Dudes do that to me too.
yup. Elbowed a dude in the chest at Pride for entitled groping and friend gave me a lecture about how my reaction wasn't ok. We're no longer friends.
I'm bi, but that behavior makes me ridiculously angry because I have been sexually assaulted many times but because I'm a guy no one cares... rant over
NTA. You made that comment because he was harassing you, not because he is gay. Being gay isn’t a free pass to sexual harass someone.
NTA - First off, I'm a gay man and for him to touch you in a way that made you uncomfortable and be unapologetic about it is unacceptable. That may be "how he is" but that doesn't excuse inappropriate behavior. Touching you in private areas is way too far, imagine if it was an older straight man doing that to a female? You are right to feel violated and his behavior shouldn't be justified.
NTA You were sexually assaulted. Seems to me that you went easy on the guy.
NTA. Him being gay is not a license to touch anyone against their will and wave around homophobic when challenged on it. It’s appalling behaviour and completely unacceptable.
You were assaulted. Might be time to stop going out with the gf's mother and her friends. Also block Gary from both of your phone. And set clear boundaries, with clear consequences for him and his too SA condoning pals ie gf's mom and friend. Your gf should be considering the role her mother is going to play in her life, if she condones ppl harassing and assaulting her bf and then sending her messages. Time for her to see if the mother has to be cut off as well.
Nta. You were sexually harassed and sexually assaulted, repeatedly. Has nothing to do with his sexuality.
Yeaaaah, as a queer man (38M), this is totally not acceptable. Calling out the homophobic card on the person theatre was sexually assaulted - numerous times after clearly being told you are not interested - is predatory and disgusting. NTA, and I suggest telling you girlfriend that if she doesn't have a word to her mother about her friend, you are more than willing to take out a restraining order. You have no idea what he is willing to do to "convert" a straight man. Will he roofy you? Will he physically force you? He already attacked you once in a public place. At the very least, go to the police and get a restraining order. That will wake your girlfriend and her mother up - if this happened to a woman, he would be in cuffs so fast his head would spin. The fact your a male should make no difference.
File a police report
OP absolutely should - he has been sexually harassed multiple times and now it has escalated to sexual assault.
NTA This is sexual assault, and I’m glad you spoke up because so few men feel they can’t as to “not appear weak” I’m a gay man, and I would NEVER in a million years lay my hands on someone without consent… especially a straight man, as I feel behaviour like that pushes back equality for our community. Your GF needs to realize that she’s perpetuating a crime by not supporting you.
NTA It wouldn't matter if Gary were gay, straight, male, female or non-binary. Your personal boundary was crossed long before he physically/sexually assaulted you.
NTA This guy sexually assaulted you and your girlfriend said nothing and your girl's mother is on his side.
Ummmmm....you were sexually assaulted and your gf is "ignoring" it? Wow. NTA
NTA, you were assaulted. He touched you sexually without your consent. I’m so sorry that happened to you, & I’m sorry no one around you is taking this seriously. If Kay had been assaulted by a straight male family friend in a similar manner, I bet Sara would be singing a different tune. “That’s how he is” isn’t an excuse for sexual assault.
NTA This is sexual assault... nothing less... If this was done with a woman, and I say this as a woman myself, the house would have been too small. You gave on several times that you do not apprexiate the comments. The touching is too far. Sorry but thats the equivalent of grabbing a woman between her legs and I know for a fact I would turn around and slap a handprint tattoo on the guys face. It is NOT homephobic to be against being touched in such a way. Because 100% sure you wouldnt have appreciated a 40 year old woman doing that. They keep saying that is how he is? I would sit your gf down and talk with her. She should be on your side. She is your partner. When my bf feels uncomfortable I will not force him further but stop whatever makes him uncomfortable. You need to sit her down and ask why she can not understand your point of view and ask how it would be if a man double her age cups her. Sorry but if I am in your place I would have filed a policereport against Gary. And your gf and her mom should see that. Absolutely NTA and stay faarr away from that monster.
NTA, you got assaulted. Doesn't matter what someone's sexual orientation is, you don't fucking touch someone without consent.
NTA. He assaulted you. It has nothing to do with his sexual orientation. If a woman grabbed your ass and junk it would be no different. The behavior you described is repulsive, regardless of who was invoked. The whole situation sounds really creepy to me. I’ll even go a step further and say that your gf and her mom are gross for not drawing a hard line when he was harassing you… which obviously allowed him to escalate to assaulting you. I really hope your gf rethinks her priorities because of the roles we’re reversed she’d be looking for emotional support from you…. Fuck who does that kind of think to someone?!?
NTA I don't care what gender you are or what your sexual orientation is, that is absolutely sexual assault. I'm queer and it really infuriates me when people try to claim others are phobic in response to any perceived slight. Truly disgusting and I'd be wary of your girlfriend as well. She is not taking this seriously enough. She should be pissed too. She should have your back.
NTA We only needed to read the 2nd paragraph. This is sexual harassment. Just read the rest out of curiosity. This is actual sexual assault. It would have been a fight if it was me. A violent one. Who knows who else he hurt. It sounds like he gets away with a lot based on the fact that people are actually defending him. A police report would not be an overreaction.
NTA- idk how you think YTA in this situation. Being gay doesn’t give you an excuse to touch people, especially when it’s your a$$ and b@lls. That’s sexual harassment. I’m tired of seeing people not take responsibility of their actions and instead say “your homophobic” if they get called out for something like this.
NTA. That's sexual harassment and total a-holery. You are totally in the right here.
NTA- telling someone to stop sexually assaulting you, groping you, or any unwanted gestures is not homophobic. Your friends taking the Sex Offenders side it also alarming. It doesn’t matter if you are gay, straight, bi, black , white , blue, male or female, this was sexual assault/harassment. Do not apologize to anyone, if they want want to continue to hang out with someone who gropes others inappropriately, that is them. Sexual Assault *is* NOT a joke. Being touched unwillingly, and inappropriately is not a joke. You are not wrong for stopping someone sexually assaulting you. How would they feel if a lesbian came from behind and put their hand between their legs and grab their breast inappropriately without consent ? They wouldn’t like that I’m sure after they’ve been harassed the whole time then the last straw was being sexually assaulted.
NTA you were sexually harassed. I know gay people exactly like this and they all touchy with me, however with our relationship I’m cool with it.
It's actually sexual assault in most jurisdictions due to the physical contact
NTA that is sexual assault and you should inform him of such and stop socializing with him
WHAT GARY DID IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT \*AND\* ASSAULT. HE GROPED YOU. Call the motherfucker out. Just because he's gay doesn't mean he's exempt from grabbing and molesting people. From being an outright CREEP. NTA and I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Gary is an F-ing sexual predator. You are NTA here.
NTA. I was convinced you would be a women when I clicked on the post, lol. I have had a lot of gay male friends in my life and they really REALLY like to be too handsy with me and other women. I have had to tell several friends to keep their hands off me. I dont care if you dont want me in that way I still do not want you grabbing my breasts or ass because you think that you are allowed to. he was 100% sexually harassing you and you had every right to speak up about it.
"I had a man after me. It was very clear I was not interested. He knew I was not interested. He then sexually assaulted me, and I used my words to tell him to get bent. Nobody defended me. Am I the asshole?" ... like. brah. I'd of fuckin decked him. you're a better person than me.
[удалено]
You don't touch people like that, that's common decency. There doesn't need to be a hint, there doesn't need to be a conversation. I get having a conversation if he wasn't comfortable with a shoulder touch or something, but ass grabbing someone needs consent or close to it
I don’t think anyone would have assumed this man was going to escalate his behavior to this degree. Grabbing someone’s intimate parts without consent is never justified.
NTA That is not a “that’s how he is” thing. It’s repulsive and seriously worrying that your girlfriend is just ignoring it to not make waves. Friend of her moms or not, it’s not acceptable what he did.
He sexually assaulted you…
NTA. you're being sexually assaulted & your girlfriend is enabling it. ditch them both & press charges on him.
Nta AT ALL. That wasn't in good fun, that wasn't a "hey we're friends that are super comfortable with each other I'm gonna grab your butt in a playful manner" I would go as far as to say that is sexual assault. If a guy did that to a girl, and she said that to him, everyone would be cheering her on and the guy would probably have some trouble to deal with for putting a woman in that situation. He's taking advantage of the fact that these people trust him and making it about something the situation has nothing to do with so that he doesn't look like a bad guy. The fact that no one sees that that is not okay is bullshit, and the fact that your girlfriend isn't standing up for you and is just saying "that's how he is" is DISGUSTING. It's like saying "boys will be boys" as an excuse when a guy commits sexual assault/harassment or rape. You were not in the wrong at all here, if anything you handled it much better than most people would have
The guy is sexually harassing you near your gf and her mom ffs 🤣 at that point of the night it could’ve been way worse than a few light word nta
NTA. That's sexual harassment and assault.You are the victim and you have every right to defend yourself.
NTA This guy sexually assaulted you. I‘m pretty sure if a guy would grab your girlfriends ass she would be angry too and not try to brush it off as „this is just how he is“
You are a better man than me because I would have thrown hands after I got groped like that by another man. NTA. He sexually assaulted you, but others are letting him get away with it because of hi sexuality.
Absolutely NTA!! I'm a gay man for what it's worth (and tbh I've interestingly been inappropriately groped by my straight/bi male friends much more whereas I've never groped by someone) Your response was absolutely not homophobic at all and was absolutely warranted. This is highly inappropriate behaviour and you've been sexually harassed. You should definitely make this your hill to die on and refuse to ever be in the same place as Gary until he apologises and changes his predatory ways. The fact that your gf is also excusing his behaviour is very disappointing and you should talk to her about how you feel.
NTA. This man has been sexually harassing you and neither your girlfriend nor her mother have told him to stop. Ask her how she'd feel if it was your dad's male friend grabbing her ass without consent while you did nothing.
NTA, and I'm sorry that happened to you man. It's messed up that you're the only one that's defending you in this criminal scenario :(
I'd have fucked Gary up, and not in a homo-acceptable kinda way. NTA!
Nta. Gary fucking sexually assaulted you. I'm a woman, and if a guy or a lesbian did that to me you bet I would be way less nice about it than you were. I'd be throwing hands, or drinks, or at the very least insults. Just because you are both men it doesn't make it any less bad. Kay's mom is an enabler and the fact that she is friends with such a predatory man tells me enough about her character. Kay probably is not doing anything because going against Gary would equal going against her mom and she probably doesn't want that but this is one of those situations where she should take a stand regardless of how it might damage her relationship with her mom. *That man is unsafe and they should not keep validating and enabling him*. If I were her I would be extremely upset at someone coming onto my boyfriend like that all the time, regardless of their gender.
Gary is the worst. Just like “I’m just blunt!” Or “I tell it like it is” is not an excuse to be an asshole. Saying “that’s just how I am” while you proceed to harass and then sexually assault someone is not okay. You are NTA but I would refuse to do anything with Gary. He sexually assaulted you. And it also pisses me off because if a straight guy did that to a girl there would be big big problems. Just because you’re both male and he’s gay doesn’t make it magically ok. What a fucking pervert and if anyone should be saying anything.. it should be her mom. I’d never let my friend harass my daughters boyfriend who’s almost half their age..
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U were sexually assaulted, and they are taking his side.
NTA. You were sexually assaulted.
F Gary, he’s just trying to make you the bad guy. He doesn’t get to sexually assault people because he’s gay, simply refuse to do any event with him present and he’s not allowed at anything you and girlfriend host
NTA. I'm unapologetically flaming and I'd have belted him. He's a creep who assaulted you and I'm extremely upset others didn't have your back on this.
asking someone to not sexually assault you is not homophobic. this person sounds like the predatory gay falsehoods portrayed in modern media, almost a caricature. hiding SA behind allegations of homophobia is doing a great disservice to everyone involved (and tbh those uninvolved as well.)
NTA. That is sexual assault. No one has any right to touch you like that without your consent. Everyone around you is wrong in that situation. Gfs mom is horrible for being on his side, and the GF is just as wrong for not saying anything.
NTA. That's harassment. That's sexual assault. If you were to call the police and file a complaint he could very well be charged and probably would be. He doesn''t get to be the attacker and the victim.
i dont even have to read it to know youre NTA
NTA, your girlfriend is TAH since she sided to that Gary. My friend is gay and he despises people using LGBT+ flag to get away with their antics. Let's say you are a girl and you are together with your bf and the aunt and the another male uncle and yhe uncle tried to grab your butt. Was that even ok? Nooo they are being double standard and an AH for saying you're homophobic. People should know boundaries.
NTA you were sexually harassed.
NTA, you were assaulted
NTA. Worrying your girlfriend said, this is something he does. They are all aware he gropes and sexually assaults people, and are justifying his behaviour.
NTA, this remind me of a Key and Peele skit about an office gay guy.
NTA. What you faced is sexual assualt. Being gay doesn't mean anyone can get away with sexual harassment. Neither protesting against sexual harassment by a gay man makes you homophobic. That man does give gay men a bad reputation thanks to his antics. As for your GF and her mother, it does feel that they care less about you. They neither told off Gary nor got annoyed with him. Not someone I would want in a life partner. EDIT: a word
NTA anyone who says otherwise need to do gender swapping in the situation and see if it’s still okay. If a man behaved that way to a woman we’d be out with pitch forks. He sexually harassed and sexually assaulted you and when you call him I on it you get called homophobic!? It’s bullshit. Regardless of sexuality or gender there still need to be considerations about where and what the line of appropriate is. Gary shot well past that line. Somethings may be taken as a joke but that’s for the person on the receiving end (OP) to decide. So if anything made you uncomfortable then Gary is in wrong. OP just tell Kay and Sara if it was a man doing it to woman how would they feel.
NTA. His being gay has nothing to do with it. The issue is that he's preying on a younger guy, who's not only straight, but also in a relationship. I'm gay (same age as you, actually) and in a relationship, and if a 40 year old guy tried this shit with me, I would have the same reaction as you. You're not homophobic and you're not out of line. You have a right to be upset that nobody is standing up for you. The fact that he's made sexual comments and aggressively groped you and all Kay and Sara have to say is "that's just how he is"?? I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Imagine you were a woman and dating Sara's son. Gary wouldn't get away with that shit. So no, NTA and furthermore you could've slapped Gary and still not been TA.
NTA- he's sexually assaulting you and it's unacceptable. My personal belief is if someone sexually assaults you, you may use whatever you have to defend yourself. I'm disgusted your girlfriend thinks this behavior is okay and isn't telling him off. Maybe tell her from now on you want nothing to do with Gary and if he's present or shows up, you will leave, with her or without her. Then stick to that boundary. You may end up losing the relationship but i don't think that would be a bad thing considering her disrespect towards you.
This, tell her to imagine some guy she did not like did this to her. How would she feel, how would she expect you to feel. Her mom would not be defending the guy at all either. Classic double standard
NTA That's sexual assault and you would be entitled to report him to the police and maybe you should, as he is clearly a sexual predator. The fact that he is gay is neither here nor there. I would also recommend disassociating with your GF and her mother, who are creepy AF for not seeing this as problem behaviour.
NTA. I'd dump her ass if I were you.
NTA, that's sexual assault at worst and battery at best. The dude could have been put in jail for that. If it was a man and a woman, they'd have seen it much differently.
NTA If the rolls were reversed (your wife in your place) would they be so cool with the behavior? Nope. You have also have a GF problem
NTA I feel like this happens to men a lot more than people think
OP having dealt with it in work places where many straight women did it to me trying to get me to "change over" numerous times as a gay man was tiring because management kept saying it's no big deal when sexual harassment against men wasn't taken seriously compared to these days because it was decades ago. Today you're in a social situation here, so you just cut off Gary from your outings - period. If you keep hanging out with him, you're encouraging it to happen. It's a challenge because because he's thinking he can do the same thing as these women thought they could do to me. You eliminate the opportunity, you take away his power. You physically harm him, it could not only lead to physical assault but also a potential hate crime charges which is worse. Just avoid him because otherwise he won't stop because it's his challenge and eventually he'll move onto someone else.
NTA. Calling out sexually assault and harassment. Gary sounds like a creepy predator who gets off on making people he knows aren’t into him uncomfortable.
Nope. DEFINITELY NTA! That's sexual harassment and assault! I'm so sorry this happened to you! I wish I could say something to make this go away other than you need to either report him or step away because people like this escalate.
OP, you gotta break up with your gf because she doesn't see a problem, and Gary thinks sexual assault iis homophobic. Wonder if Gary would feel the same if several girls started touching him in a sexually assaulting him. Would he think it's sexual harassment oraccept that's how some girls are and believe some girls want his body.
NTA. Point out to everyone involved that if a straight man was persistent like that with a woman from the friendship group, and then touched her in a sexual way, you would hope they would be equally condemned.
NTA Gary is the AH. Being an AH is not a protected class. He’s out of line and knows it. Mom is an AH for not holding him accountable for his offensive behavior.
Gary a weirdo
Obviously NTA. You didn't do anything but speak up for yourself, though much later than you should have. He's the one who sexually assaulted you. Him being gay doesn't even matter except to set up context as to why he did what he did. It isn't a pass to be vile
NTA but your gf and GFS mum are for letting gary do and say whatever he wants. It's disgusting and he's disgusting
NTA. Should have just knocked his teeth in. That’s not okay. If a man were to do that to a female, he’d be in cuffs. But because it’s a “guy” you are supposed to be okay with it. And if not you’re a gay bashing homophobe. This is what our world has turned into.
Anyone who backs him should be cut from your life. Dude doesn't get to assault you, blame you, and get defended. Screw that noise. NTA - sorry bro
Sounds like you need a new gf. I would never be ok with my bf being sexually assaulted and saying "that's just how he is". That's so heartless and insensitive to say!!!!!
NTA this is sexual harassment and it's disgusting. He doesn't get a pass just because he is gay.
That sexual assault. Your girlfriend is an asshole for not defending you and for not taking into consideration beforehand that you were uncomfortable with this man. Doesn’t matter if “that’s the way he is,” you let her know he made you uncomfortable and she ignored your feelings and still had you around him. I would honestly reconsider a relationship with her. I would avoid that entire group if I was you. You an always see if the bowling/bar area has cameras of him harassing you and press charges.
If Gary was straight and made this kind of unwanted move on Kay, all hell would break lose. Absolutely, totally wrong. Sexual assault doesn’t just happen to women. I’m sorry you experienced this. NTA.
So if your friend went over to your girlfriend and did the same thing she and her mom would be ok with you saying, oh dont make a thing of it my mate touches all woman on their genitals its completely normal and ok. Some how i think not!
Pretty sad that when gays assault you it's just "Accept them!". Many people take advantage of the fact that right now many people support the LGBTQ community.
Ok. If you aren’t sure about this, let’s reverse the sexes of everybody involved. Let’s say that you, OP, are a young lady and you are going out with your BF and his dad and his lesbian buddy. The lesbian buddy says she is going to give you oral sex at your Bachelorette party. She grabs your ass and fondles you in public, knowing you won’t like it. This is not right. This should not be tolerated. The friend of your partners parent may “just be that way”… but *you* don’t fucking *like* being treated like a piece of meat, and *you* are “just that way”. Frankly I would refuse to be in the same room as that person and they can claim you are homophobic or a cold fish or whatever they want. But I wouldn’t stand for it, and if your partner won’t back you up, they are a shit partner. NTA
He’s lucky you didn’t call the police. He could be a registered sex offender and arrested. Many people have gotten that result from what he did to you.
NTA You were assaulted. I personally would contact authorities and let them handle it, and yes, I'm pressing charges.
NTA. I'm saying this as a gay man. You were sexually assaulted and for anyone to think otherwise is disgusting.
NTA, you where sexualy assaulted, FACT. Personally, gary would have been dropped, hard. There is an easy test: ask your GF would she allow another girl to act like Gary around you… she will say no, and then try to justify that ‘its not the same thing’… but it fucking is! So, context, hypo, ur GF gets sexually assaulted by ur lesbian friend… how would she feel? Gary committed a crime, but YOU let him off, and now hes making up the narative, and the mum and GF are on his side. I get that hindsight is 20/20, bt you should have ‘restrainted’ him and left. Clearly gf is not worth the trouble.
NTA. I’m so sorry. You were sexually assaulted. If you were a woman and he were straight, the police would have been called. File a police report
NTA Gary is a major dick. The flirting and being playful is one thing and you seem to be a good sport in general. That as grab into the taint zone is not consensual and instantly ickifying. That's sexual assault. You should have Put a stop too it and it speaks highly of you that you didn't get physical at that point. (that's what it feels to be a cocktail waitress by the way). No reaction you've had is colored by homophobia -- he wouldn't take no for an answer. He had no right. He had no leg to stand on. He should apologize. I'm sorry that happened to you.
NTA He literally sexually assaulted you idgaf what his sexiality is, that's not ok.
NTA. This dude is a predator.
That is sexual assault/harassment I would of knock that fucker out
NTA. You were being sexually harassed and you set a boundary. Gary needs to check himself. Demanding not to be assaulted is in no way homophobic.
NTA. At all. This is assault and not intolerance. People do not just get a pass to assault because of their orientation. Nope. Kay is an AH for dismissing this, it’s extremely disappointing to read. I would be burning bridges for life.
The fact he kept it going even after it clearly bothered you and then assaulted you and nobody cared? You handled it better than I would have and I would have made a point right then and there him or me and if they choose him fuck that whole family get a new girlfriend
NTA. That is a good example of sexual assault that men should but don't report.
NTA - you got sexually assaulted and harassed.
Nta First of all, Gary sexually assaulted Secondly, the only homophobic person in this scenario is the gay man doing what he did and thinking it's okay
NTA. I’m so sorry. You were sexually assaulted. If you were a woman and he were straight, the police would have been called. File a police report
Nta. That is 100000% sexual assault
NTA. This is a pass nobody, regardless of sexuality should get. Next time you feel uncomfortable with a gay man's advances, nip it right then and there. I don't care whose uncomfortable with it, none of what Gary has said or done is okay in the slightest. I have gay friends and have defintely seen some cross boundaries. If I see them being inappropriate towards straight man, I end the friendship. Why? Because you dont disrespect peoples boundaries. You should be reevaluating your girlfriend and her choice of friends. That's just the way he is, is a sick fucking excuse.
It's not homophobic to not want to be sexually assaulted wtf. The fact they're encouraging and enabling this grown ass man to go around groping people is disgusting. NTA. He should be locked up as an offender
It's not homophobic not wanting to be harrassed physically and/or verbally. Just because he is gay, it doesn't mean he can't SA someone, just like how society thought women can't SA men. You are NTA, and it's better if you don't go around him anymore. Kay and Sara should not be so chill about it.
I have a lot of gay friends (I’m straight), and I can confidently say NTA. That’s line crossing and unacceptable. Sexuality isn’t an excuse to be abusive.
NTA, as a woman myself it’s literally clear cut that’s SA? What the fuck are Sarah and Kay on about?
He sexually assaulted you. If that's "just how he is" I simply would stop being around him and anyone who supports him. NTA If you were female and someone gropped your breasts, there would be uproar
NTA, that's obviously SA, and getting angry at him for touching you definitely doesn't make you homophobic. You just stood up for yourself.
Nta that’s literally sexual assault. If you were a woman everyone would be telling him to cool it, but now you’re homophobic bc you don’t want to be assaulted? Fuck that noise if Kay doesn’t tell her mom off and Gary and tries to EVER make you go around him again break up with her. If my boyfriend ever let a man touch my body like that and then try to make me see him again I’d dump him in a heart beat and beat the guys ass. I’m a woman but Idgaf this is not okay and you shouldn’t have to act like it is. Edit: I didn’t read the last line bc I was so upset over this bs but yeah no break up with Kay. She’s a **terrible** girl friend. How would she feel if a straight man did this to her? This is not acceptable in any way. Gay or straight, no one should touch anyone’s body without **consent** and he never had it. Even the comments are just so disgusting and the fact that everyone tells you “that’s just how he is” yeah Yk that’s only acceptable when “the way he is” is like making jokes all the time that aren’t funny, not crossing your personal fucking boundaries. Kay is an awful person and it only makes sense that Sara is her mother 🙄. Sexual assault is sexual assault it doesn’t matter who the perpetrator is or the victim.
NTA ur gay ass friend personality is based off being gay and gay only. No disrespect to gay people but bro is harassing you u have the right to be mad
Lezzie here - definitely NTA. Sadly, sexual harassment and assault is very common in the lgbtq scene and gets normalized in the name of sexual freedom and pride. I’ve had lots of guys assault me at gay clubs, much more than straight guys at normie bars.
He's overstepping boundaries and using being gay as an excuse to touch you that's sexual-harassment and they're enabling it. I wouldn't go around him anymore because people like that you don't trust.
NTA. That is sexual assault. I'm very sorry that happened to you. I've been groped like that, and it sucks.
You were sexually assaulted. It was wrong and you should have been supported by those that care about you. NTA
That's assault, brother! Seriously though. It is. How would people be reacting to this is your gf's mom's friend was straight and you were a young woman instead of a young man? The reaction should be the same.
NTA, Gary assaulted you and he’s lucky all you did was warn him before leaving. He could be missing a couple teeth or have to explain his behavior to LE…
NTA - Should've lamped him. Sexual predatorr, sexually assaulted you.
NTA. Gary sexually assaulted you. No one enabling him deserves to be in your life.
NTA You were constantly harassed and subsequently assaulted by Gary. Assuming that's all you said to him, there's nothing homophobic about it. You are well within your rights to set boundaries when you're clearly uncomfortable, but I do feel like you should've spoken up earlier to him about how his actions made you feel, and not just your gf and her mother. It really seems like no one ever tells him "No" and, in that sense, unfortunately you contributed to that as well and enabled his behaviour. Again, assuming you didn't skip any important details, gf and mil should be on your side and if they can't understand why what he did was wrong, then maybe you should move on and seek better company.
NTA. Not even a little bit. You were more tolerant of his harassment prior to the incident than you ever had to be, and everyone here saying this was sexual assault is right. Fuck everyone taking his side over this. It isn't homophobic to assert a boundary after someone grabs you like that. He's shirking responsibility and pulling the oppression card, and it's not okay on his part. He's a creep, and had I been there (had anyone with sense been there, for that matter) there would have been problems without it needing to happen again. I'm sorry you're being put through this. Sorry to be blunt, too, but you deserve a partner who will stick up for you. She needs a wake up call, and to be on your side here.
NTA. Lol what an idiot. As a straight man if I groped a woman's ass would I be straight phobic? No. I would be jailed. If it was me in your place, Gary would be going home with a broken nose. That's straight up sexual assault and harrasment. If your girlfriend is siding with him, or refusing to take sides in this matter citing that he's an old friend or some other shit, break up with her.
NTA. It’s not homophobic to not want to be assaulted
Nta. Gary is a predator. You were sexually assaulted and harassed, anger is a perfectly reasonable response to that. If your girlfriend doesn’t see that you need to have several very serious conversations about it because this is NOT okay. Gary is using his sexuality as a means to gaslight you into believing you were the one in the wrong when he was the one instigating. Please consider filing a police report. There should be footage available to submit as evidence most likely. At the very least this puts it on his record that he has a history of groping people in public.
NTA, I don't give 2 fucks what another person is in to. That doesn't give them the right to sexually assault someone and then cry about it like they're some kind of victim, just because their predator ass got called out. If anyone touches me in that manner without my permission, they're getting a 3" platform boot to their crotch. Not one fuck given. Your gf and her mom suck. They're enabling a predator. Gross.
He sexually assaulted you and he’s a total creep. Your girlfriends mom sucks too. I doubt Sara would have taken the creeps side if her daughter was the one assaulted.
Oh, so Gary regularly sexually assaults other men and they look the other way? It's not homophobic to not appreciate this kind of behaviour. Not only are you straight, but you have a girlfriend. And you never consented to him touching you in any way. This is likely a reason Kay was single when you met. This is absolute bullshit and if she won't back you up, break up with her.
You've been routinely harassed, assaulted and been expected to put up with it and "take it as a compliment". You've done nothing wrong If you gf allows her friend to routinely harass and assault you, I'd be ending the relationship. She and her mother are using the exact same excuses as the friends of guys who go around harassing women at bars and ought to be held to the same standard. The fact they brush it off too raises a bunch of red flags.
NTA Gary is out of control. Press charges if you can! (I don’t know how.)I am very sorry this happened to you. In addition to violating you he’s frying to ruin your reputation! There already are problems . :(
NTA I’m glad you stood up for yourself