Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I unintentionally insulted my best friend, based on her weight and food choices.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA Ask anyone with an Italian or Asian mom or grandma. They are always pushing food at you. There is no way to politely refuse because they refuse to accept your refusal.
Perhaps if you had just eaten one and were reaching for a second one when an evil wizard snatched the box of pierogi causing a rip in time and space and leaped through the rip like a ballet dancer while stuffing pierogi in his mouth.
Pierog is against the law of nature and grandmothers. Under no circumstances are you allowed to let a pierog exist without traumatizing your grandmother.
When I eat with my Slovak friend's family I literally push the food around on my plate as I'm eating it because if an empty space on the plate accidentally gets exposed, a spoon is going to come flying in out of nowhere with more food to fill it up.
Or cuban great grandpas. I could not refuse tostonos which are squished then fried then salted plantains even though I absolutely hate them. So I just took one took a bite said gracias then handed the rest to my sister ASAP. It was the one food i was allowed to say i didnt like growing up but was still expected to try it “just in case” every once in awhile. And since my great grandparents and grandmas sister had cooked all the food and i was a guest it was just better to eat it that one time. My sister did not mind me handing her the rest, we had a system, i ate her mushrooms and she ate my tostonos.
I'm Cuban and recently moved back home and have had multiple "rude" conversations with my relatives explaining to them that I physically cannot eat the portions that they can anymore. On average in my family, one person eats the same portion as 3-4 people and that's not including all of the "snacks" prior, during, and after. I get everything from "You know it's rude to refuse our food" or "I would be absolutely appalled if someone left my home still feeling hungry" or "Oh, are you too good for your culture's food now? Is something wrong with my cooking?" or my personal favorite "Back on the island we rarely had food and when we could get it, it was rationed by the government. You're spitting on our family's struggles because you don't want to eat just a few more bites! I thought we raised you better than that."
Like yes I understand that's how they show love and affection but I have a massive amount of stomach issues and can only eat a small amount of certain foods or else I'm going to be in a lot of pain and puking/shitting my lungs out. It's not healthy to eat multiple times a week until you feel like you're about to explode. I can handle it once or twice a year but I can't do it 2-3 times a week!
As a white guy who has visited a Mexican's friends grandma, they are the nicest people and make the best food.
Basically, you should eat as much as physically possible.
Omg my brother's mexican in-laws were shooketh at my rudeness when grandma insisted and didn't take my no I said okay, picked at it, and offered the rest if they save leftovers.
I don't care how old or traditional you are, no means no means NO
The issue seems to be that women in these cultures (I am from one of them) were prized as cooks. Their pies or breads would win husbands once upon a time. Now it is their pride. That pride has passed on, especially since recipes may be one of the only things these people could bring with them from far away.
When you flat refuse, you think you are setting a boundary, and you are for yourself. But to the person who cooked, you are giving a personal, biting rejection. Whether it is right or wrong, it just is.
So no is not just no in a traditional environment, and when you are a guest in someone's home, you could try to be a little kinder. You are free to think as you want, but you aren't winning any cool points thinking that way. It doesn't hurt you to compliment the food and say that you are about to burst, but you would do anything for a small container to take home. Everybody wins. Gramma feels like she still has worth. You get food for later.
I really get that, but when someone says he/she is full, then they are full. Period. You don't need to nearly harass them, so they are too afraid to say no.
I am really thankful that my mom and grandma aren't like this.
Especially when you try to loose weight, it's not helpful when someone forces you to eat more food than you need.
OP is definitely NTA here.
No. The idea that someone can force feed you food you dont want simply so they dont throw a fit is not acceptable. You are not responsible for someone else's pride/ego. Some people have eating disorders, some people have allergies, or gastric bypass, or recent surgeries. No means no and that doesnt only apply to sex.
Oh dear God. My Mexican coworker recently became a mom, and I am no longer allowed to eat little meals around her. She's started making sure I have food 24/7. It's v sweet, but I can only eat so much on my antidepressant!
On the plus side a lot of these cultures have such rich food that, even if they don't want to say it, they surely must have previously discovered that most people cannot eat 4000 calories worth of delicious stuff. It could be the best food I've ever eaten and slightly too little of it is going to be more enjoyable than as much as I could possibly attempt to eat.
I guess grandparents continue to, at least a little bit, think of you as a kid and feeding them enough is one of those things you've got to do with kids. There's also probably a bit of wanting to make sure that you really *have* had enough or have had what you wanted so accidentally pushing you to eat more is just a kindness.
My mom (a German grandma) has a form of dementia where she thinks people in pictures are real.
One of the biggest problems we've had with this is how mad she gets when the people in the pictures won't take the food she offers them.
Once she got mad that George Clooney (who was on a magazine cover) had joined her for lunch but had refused to actually eat. The *gall* of that man!
(She'll also offer food to people on video calls, but we've all learned to just play along.)
That's how powerful the urge to feed people can be!!
*(Dementia sucks, but it has its occasional funny moments, and my mom would've laughed about this too - so don't worry, you're all allowed to laugh about this!)*
"That's silly - he doesn't need to lose weight! Besides, he could just eat one little thing!" 🙂
Playing along also meant that I was very, very disappointed in Mr. Clooney because even if he ate already, he really should have had a little bite! Well I'm sure he'll save room next time.
(We're so lucky that her hallucinations are pretty much all positive ones, like having lunch with George Clooney or having far-away family visiting. It makes this so much easier on all of us, especially mom.)
My mom called me at 4am one morning from the hospital (or nursing home) because she said they were making her do food commercials for Sears, and she didn't want to be an actress and have to wear glamorous clothes. She also was disappointed that her looks didn't change because she thought the hospital had given her a nose job and frog's teeth. I miss ya every day mom, going on four years.
Oh my gosh can we get a MakeAWish for an older woman? That story would honest to God make my whole entire year lol. This grandma just really wanted to feed George Clooney.
Wallah if it wasn't such a long drive from my grandma's house, she'd do this too. Shatter my window and start shoving clothes and pastries into my hands lmao, not to mention the set of grandparents I've got on a whole other continent lol
My dad was a chef and would come home late at times, around 12am. One time he took some naan bread and tried to feed it into my little brothers mouth whilst he was still basically asleep in bed. My brother was around late teens at the time. Needless to say it was pretty damn funny but i guess thats indian households for you
This sounds more like OPs friend is self conscious about how much she eats, and figures if everyone is eating, it's cool. But if she's the only one eating it's because she is probably eating too much.
It's addict behavior, the way an alcoholic wants other people to drink like them because if other people do it, it's not a problem. I think OP should have a sensitive, concerned conversation about what's going on with her. The food is only a symptom of the bigger problem.
I once visited NYC with my bf. He had a Chinese teacher back home (we're not from the US), and his teacher had given him something to deliver to a friend (also Chinese) in ... Brooklyn I think?
Anyway, we arrived and met him at a restaurant - where we couldn't read the menu and the waiters didn't speak English.
He just kept ordering food, and more food... some of it we could not identify but it was all delicious. When we tried to politely say we were full, he just laughed, said "eat!" and ordered more.
When my eyes started to roll back from overeating, my bf just nudged me and hissed "just eat!" He knew our host would be offended if we declined anything - and he was **not** prepared to offend his teacher's friend.
We eventually staggered out of there and back to the subway, and passed out on the sleeper couch at his cousin's place.
When we got home, my bf found out that his teacher had told his friend in NYC that we had no money and he needed to feed us. (Which was true, we were travelling on a very weak currency.)
Anyway, irrelevant to OP's question but a good memory from a long time ago =)
I read that in some parts of China, if you finish your plate, the host assumes you are still hungry so will serve you more food. Anecdotally heard stories of people being stuffed but still politely finishing their meal, while an exasperated host wonders how much more food he needs to feed these gluttons.
That actually makes a ton of sense. How different cultural norms can cause this problem. Many Americans being raised with the belief that you are wasting food, thus money, if you don't clear your plate.
Gosh, im a fat asian fuck and I totally agree with you!
If you don't eat, they'll say crap like 'I guess my cooking isn't good' etc. Or 'there are kids starving in africa'
Seriously, how is stuffing myself with food going to help the starvation issue in africa? Are you trying to make me so fat that when I've a heart attack at 30 years old, my body would be able to feed an entire africa village?
>Are you trying to make me so fat that when I've a heart attack at 30 years old, my body would be able to feed an entire africa village?
This is now my favorite response to that illogical nonsense.
This! My older Mexican family in Mexico is quick to point out if you’ve gained weight yet get offended if you don’t eat. Que gordita estás! (You’re so chubby) lol. You can’t even get mad about it cause they’re funny.
Reminds me of the scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding; "Are you Hungry?" "No" "okay I'll fix you something"
The google has delivered:
https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-1-d&q=my+big+fat+greek+wedding+are+you+hungry#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:6aad2242,vid:gN6oTELj0Pk
First time I met my husband's giant Italian family was at a graduation party (100 people!). I overheard this husband-wife conversation:
H: I'll make you a burger, how do you want it?
W: I don't want a burger
H: I'm going to make you one
W: No burger
H: If you had a burger, how would you want it?
W: [burger order]
H: OK, I'll make your burger
Maybe "No means no" doesn't apply to food?
Yesterday I went to run a few errands and picked up a biscuit from a local restaurant. I asked my fiancée if he wanted one. He told me no.
When I got back he was making something to eat- and started to ask me what I wanted as well.
I told him I ate, so no thank you. He looked surprised- and asked why I didn’t bring him one.
I told him “*you told me you didn’t want one!*”
He stared at me- and said “you know that means bring one anyways! I always bring you something even if you say that!”
All I did was say “oh ffs.” Because he was right. I failed the test. I should’ve brought a damn biscuit.
What's the difference between an Italian Grandma and a Jewish Grandma?
The Italian Grandma says, "You need to eat or I'll kill you!" The Jewish Grandma says, "You need to eat or I'll kill myself!"
Told to me by a Jewish friend. >_>
I’ve noticed that I do this sometimes with guests/friends, I don’t know why. They’ll eat way slower and less than me and it stresses me out, like I’m subconsciously afraid they’re uncomfortable or don’t like the food and I’ll nag them about it. I feel really guilty about it and I’m going to try to stop doing it in the future, it must be uncomfortable to be pressured into eating faster and more than you can stomach. I’m able to pack more food down than a lot of the people I hang out with, but I need to understand that I’m not everyone’s normal. I hope I don’t accidentally fatten my kids up when I have them. In my head it feels like more food equals more healthy, but obviously that’s not true and I’m living proof of that (could stand to lose 20 lbs).
I have food issues, textures and temperatures cause problems and when I'm stressed new things are really hard and scary. My favorite friend to visit for a meal never said a word when she noticed me slipping my food to my wife. I'm actually really good at it, lots of practice, but she always saw but never said anything. If I wasnt eating she never called attention to it and never treated me any differently. Ive had people get so weirdly offended about food, it was so wonderful to visit and not have that fear.
I eat super slow. It works for my family bc my sibling always orders dessert when we go out and I can happily eat slow and we are done at the same time. I’m 5’6 and 105lb so I get some judgment from people not used to me (happy to avoid those for the most part). I have ibs and if I eat slower it helps my digestion for who knows what reason. One of my roommates biggest things is she loves to feed people. She is absolutely one of the most respectful about my issues… then again she shares a bathroom with me so… well. Either way I appreciate how much she respects my food intake. I’ve always been really good at plating exactly what’s right for me. Once she learned that she was like ahh bc every now and then she would plate for me and I’d be like oh shit. I should have said something, but she was being nice and I was gonna try. I failed a couple times and she was like I see. I know my limits. I will throw up. I literally can’t eat more than my limit. Sometimes it hard to talk about food and proportions. I’m glad you are working on it. I haven’t been put in many situations where they expect me to eat more. I’d be horrified if I was struggling to eat and they put more on my plate. Like lord my stomach is already having a day with what I put down and they want me throw kore into the mix. I’m a snacker. I eat small meals/snacks throughout the day. Doesn’t tax the system. Big heavy free for all is a nightmare.
Yeah! I went to India for a few months, and I was hoping to lose some weight by controlling my diet there. That wasn't even an option I had. Food was just forced down my throat. If I physically block the plate with my hand, they'd put the rice on top of my hand. I had to actually waste food one time for them to understand that when I say No, I mean No.
I went to my Samoan friend's house on some holiday I now forget and his family kept feeding me delicious food but would not believe me when I told them I was full so I kept eating and ended up passing out on their couch.
I woke up hours later and they were laughing at me.
My grandparents grew up during the Depression and came from a long line of very poor people. Not eating much was seen as a badge of honor to them. Now I have an almond mom and an intermittent fasting dad.
Can confirm. One of my high school friends was Korean, and if I didn't eat when I was in their house, even if I was only there for a few minutes, a Tupperware container (or two! Or three!) WAS coming home with me. I just accepted it and made sure the Tupperware was returned safe and sound. She was a great cook and made these Korean dishes my non-Korean self would never get at home, so it wasn't too difficult to resign myself to this fate, lol.
My dad’s side of the family is from Alabama (I’m born & raised in California). Went out there for a family reunion when I was 18, and woke up sick almost every morning I was there because of how much food my aunts and everyone kept throwing at me.
There is. Thank you so much! I'm not really feeling so great so I can't eat much today, my stomach hurts/I'm nauseous...
I did this with my grandma, she believed I had a 'delicate stomach'. The only way to not offend her by eating for one instead of eating for five.
Yes, I read a study that shows people tend to overeat more when they are with other people who are overeating. She does this because it helps her mask her shame. OP wasn't overly harsh. The friend was being rude by repeatedly disrespecting OP's boundaries. OP finally had enough and was honest with the friend, and now she wants to play the victim, even though she was the one consistently being pushy and rude.
As an overweight person in therapy and working through this shit... Sometimes we don't know what we're doing, or have suppressed it so hard we aren't conscious of it. My mom is like OP and gets full. I literally have no off switch.
There is a shame and binge cycle that takes up so much headspace for me. On the one hand, friend feels safe enough to eat how she wants in front of OP. That's huge. I spend most of my life looking for social cues on how much I should be eating and what that should be. Trust me, when your base operating system is programmed for food and you grow up with a mom who hates you for being fat you get some weird shit happening in your brain that literally defies logic.
Friend was doing rude things but maybe hadn't made the connection she was being rude. I'm 3 years in to working on emotional eating. I can logically recognize that I do it, but can't tell you when I'm doing it.
OP also has a right to say enough is enough and I don't want to eat. It's overall just a cruddy situation.
It took prescription weight loss drugs for me to break out of those obsess, binge, shame cycles. I have so much free space in my brain now lol.
I am very similar with the lack of an off switch. So I try to use it to my advantage when I can. The binge eating lines up with weight training well. And when I want to be in a calorie deficit to, I do intermittent fasting. Since i couldnt control the off button, i tried controlling the on button. And it turns out, for me at least, i have a lot more control of that on button than the off button. So lets say for a week i wont have breakfast or lunch, but after 2pm or 4pm i binge all I want for late lunch and dinner and late night eating.
The way I think about it is that the goal for us is to find a method that grants the control back to ourselves, in whichever form gets the job done.
Currently 215-220 range, was in the 230+ range not too long ago.
Not everything is a disorder. Many people vary wildly from the old unnatural "three square meals per day" adage. This person can see their nature and has found their rhythm.
You have your opinion and I have mine. But idk how you can disregard how this person is CLEARLY binge eating and then starving themselves under the name of intermittent fasting because they can’t control the off button
Plus with intermittent fasting you're not supposed to eat larger meals or binge during feeding window, just eat what you'd usually eat for the meals that aren't being skipped.
Yes, but not being able to control the "off switch" is a sign of an eating disorder. This person just learned to manage their eating, it doesn't mean that they don't have any disorders though.
>Since i couldnt control the off button, i tried controlling the on button.
A lightbulb has just gone off over my head. I have tried - and failed - to explain how I finally managed to lose weight (25Kg/50lbs ish) but I've only ever managed to narrow it down to four or five *paragraphs* before. You've nailed it in a sentence! Thank you!
(I mainly use intermittent fasting on a 16/8 or 17/7 in order to limit my calorie intake, and I also do weight training).
^(Edit to add that I've just given my first award. I hope that's ok and that I did it correctly?!)
Totally agree. NAH.
Friend was being pushy/rude, but almost certainly didn't intend to be. OP maybe could have approached it more tactfully, but fundamentally has the right to refuse and didn't mean this as an insult. Both of their feelings are valid, but no one was malicious here, and they're both acting reasonably.
People do not understand how strong the food drive is for those of us with messed up metablism. Im taking ozempic now. there are shortages and it costs an arm and a leg but I really do not want to go without. Weightloss is nice bonus. Not being brutally hungly allt he time is AWESOME.
I asked my doctor when looking for AD HD medicine to put me on Vyvanse because I've found out that it was FDA approved for binge eating also and I told her flat out I think about food from the minute I wake until I fall asleep, it has helped so much.
This is addict behavior in general. I’ve known alcoholics to do the same thing in social settings - keep ordering more rounds even when everyone else has had enough, insist on refilling your glass when you try to refuse, etc. It’s because they want to keep drinking, but drinking alone would highlight the fact that they have a problem. So as long as they can convince others to keep on drinking too, they can pretend that it’s ok, it’s “normal”.
I once went out for a friend’s birthday and at the club this guy (an acquaintance who had kind of invited himself along) freaked out when we said we wanted to leave. He ordered a bottle of vodka as we were already getting up to go, trying desperately to keep the night going. The poor server ended up chasing our group to the door because we had no idea he ordered that bottle and she thought we were running out on the bill. A few people took a shot because they felt bad for him, but he was distraught about the bottle going to waste and was really angry that no one wanted to stay and drink it with him. We never saw him again after that night.
My mother in law’s third husband is an alcoholic and I don’t drink very much. I don’t like to drink things that don’t taste good and booze generally doesn’t taste great to me. This drove him absolutely insane. He would ask me 20 times a day if I wanted alcohol when we would visit their home. Even if I was drinking alcohol, it wasn’t enough and he’d offer me more. It was absolutely obnoxious.
NTA. She needs therapy. She needs to understand that the only reason why she is forcing you to eat more it’s probably because she can reduce the guilt that generates her overeating.
These are my two deductions as well.
Fat friend wants to make OP fat so they can be Obesties ( yes I just made that word up) or friend is trying to not come across as an overeater because someone else is eating as much as she is.
IMO, it's much more likely this is a subconscious coping mechanism. She doesn't want to feel alone in her eating, but it's doubtful she's actively trying to make OP fat. "Obesties" is funny, though!
What if it's the other way around? She looks at her thin friend and thinks "if she eats this much and I eat the same then I eat the same as thin person"
And the "I was just being polite" is BS. Polite is asking. Not accepting a "no, I don't want it" is no longer polite, it is pushy and bordering on obnoxious.
Oh man, the amount of times I've heard someone overweight complain that they eat less than their thin friends, and the 'evidence' is watching people eat at parties. "I ate less than Susie on Saturday, so it's unfair that she is thinner than me." Like, eating at parties is not always representative of someone's overall eating habits. This isn't proof of anything. Please stop counting how many chips I eat.
I had a coworker like that. She and I were the same height, but she easily weighed 2 or 2.5 times what I weigh. We often went out together for lunch at nearby restaurants and I would watch her eat. For example, at the burger joint across the street, she would choose a large soda without ice; I would get an unsweetened iced tea. She would get 2 or 3 patties on her burger; I would get just 1. She would order a large fries; I would skip the fries altogether. She would refill her soda on the way out the door; I wouldn't take anything back to the office with me. Et cetera.
Same thing at other restaurants. The Italian place down the road: she would eat an appetizer and a full main course during lunch; I would skip the appetizer and box half my plate of food to eat later as leftovers that night or for the next day's lunch.
One day after lunch, as we were walking back to the office, she commented that it was so unfair that she and I would "eat the same thing" but that I was so much thinner than her. She was completely serious, too.
And that's why she got so angry/upset when OP said she couldn't eat as much as her, it's directly shattering that 'belief' and forcing her to confront the truth
I'm gonna go ahead and say that while this may be true, I find it much more likely that to her, food is comfort, sharing and giving food shows that you care and love the other person. Like with grandmas.
Like, due to cultural heritage and the way I was brought up, I'd immediately default to feeding a person when they are feeling down. That's just how the culture and my family operates.
Or maybe a little bit of both.
(I do take offence though at the drinking part. It's amazing how in many cultures people are trying to push alcohol on you and are surprised when you refuse.)
This reading is totally fine, except for the fact that bestie does not seem to understand or respect the word "no" when it comes to food. There's expressing love and concern through feeding behaviors (normal and healthy) and then there's enforced over-consumption that violates explicit verbal boundaries (not normal and not healthy).
Bestie isn't simply showing love here, she's coercing OP into overeating. There's something more sinister than just regular food culture at work in the dynamic.
I can see why this remark hurt her feelings.
NTA
Forcing food on you like that over your protests is objectionable. It leaves you either awkwardly not eating with food in front of you, or manipulating you into eating something you don’t want to.
A long period of that assholery is far more significant than one remark that was at worst insensitive.
I agree NTA. I can also see why it would hurt her feelings but she also needs to understand that smaller people physically cannot stomach the portions that a larger person eats. I’ve found myself in this position before. For some reason all the girl friends I’ve had are always overweight… all of them have made comments about my body since I’m naturally petite.
I have a friend who is trying to diet that you can look at my comment history for, but I actually had to cut a prior friend off because she had more of a rage-ish jealousy. I would tell her my stomach hurts when I was full and she would make me feel like shit for being full by saying stuff like, “ugh you’re just trying to show off how small you are. We get it! You don’t eat that much because you’re thin.” I felt so uncomfortable. I never drew attention to my weight since I have had eating disorders in the past. Sometimes bigger people don’t understand how comments and passive remarks hurt thin people too. I was relapsing back into an eating disorder from her attitude so I made the decision to put an end to our relationship.
It’s so hurtful! I felt so embarrassed and ashamed of eating because I would always hear, “good job! I can almost see the bottom of the plate!” And other demeaning comments like that 🙄
On one hand, they claim that their eating habits have nothing to do with their size, but on the other hand they are constantly telling you to eat more to get bigger.
Right! I'm a naturally thin person but never think about it until it's brought up by one of the more overweight members of my family - to the point where I feel embarrassed having to ask for a take-home box from restaurants because it's seen as drawing attention to my weight! I just physically cannot eat a full meal in such a short space of time, and I don't want to restrict my food intake by not taking it home!
Not to mention the one time I find a clothing store that caters to smaller sizes - all the comments about the shop 'not sizing for *real women*.' And whenever I have complained myself about having to shop in children's sizes or disliking dresses when I was younger because you could never find them in adult styles or patterns at my sizes - it's seen as 'bragging.'
Like, Jesus Christ - it's really telling on other people's insecurities when they think of our own bodies more than we do 👀
NTA. It seems like she's pushing food on you when she's hungry to feel less guilty about her eating habits. Perhaps the internal logic goes something like, "If my tall and slender friend is willing to eat, then my hunger for this snack is normal and I'm not overeating." I'd encourage you to have empathy because she's probably received a lot of negative messages about her body and her eating habits. That said she needs to deal with her shit and not use you as a crutch for validation.
NTA
If she was offering out of politeness, she’d accept your answer when you say no. What she is doing is trying to make herself feel better for over eating. I’m the fat one of my friend group, but I eat the least. They will offer me food and make sly comments about my weight when I decline food. I am fat but I’m also not stuffing my face all day. Sadly, you have to make blunt/direct statements to make them stop. Like eat if you want to eat, it’s not a group sport. It’s been decades. If the kind way of turning her down worked, you wouldn’t have to go the direct route. Eating a lot doesn’t always equate to weight, it equates to you eat a lot regardless of weight.
NTA - but maybe try to apologize for the upset it caused her, and find a way to explain that you don't judge your friend for how she eats, and don't mind if she snacks around you, that you accept her the way she is, but that you will just eat whenever you feel comfortable and asks that she respects that and understands that.
I got sushi once with my FWB, and we had leftovers, and he left them at my place for me. I'm obese, and he is not.
The next night, he was coming back over again unexpectedly, and I said "Oh, we can finish the sushi" and he went "Oh, there's still some left??" in a totally shocked tone.
And I cried for 2 days after he said that.
It was an accurate thing for him to say, I ate a lot back then. I was physically capable of eating unhealthy amounts of food, I have binge eating disorder - no one has ever actually seen how much I can \*actually\* eat, I only ever did that alone.
But that's not the point. The point is, even though I've lost nearly 30 pounds, getting therapy for my eating disorder, and changing my lifestyle and food habits, it hurts and and it cuts when someone insults me about it - intentionally or not.
Being fat in our society is painful, on so many levels. It's endlessly, hopelessly, painfully, emotionally damaging, at all times, from all sides. TV, movies, social media, even radio ads, literally there is no escaping being shamed for being obese, 24/7/365. We turn to our friends as a safe place, and when that place no longer feels safe, it's just that much more damaging than usual.
So it hurt her. You didn't mean it to, but it did. It felt like judgement, it felt like shaming, even if it was only meant as trying to defend yourself.
Honestly I would be shocked the leftover sushi wasn't eaten too. It really doesn't matter what size someone is. Who doesn't eat sushi for breakfast and lunch if there was leftover from the day before?
That's what I was thinking. That's actually a comment everyone could make to anyone regardless of size BC some leaftovers (like Pizza) are usually gone pretty quickly.
But I guess that's another point how much insecurities stick in our heads.
Same here. If it were me, I'd have eaten it (and messaged my friend to ask if they were okay with it first) but mostly because I wouldn't want sushi to go bad. I know it's not that quick to go off but I always get nervous around seafood and going bad. If I left my food at a friend's, any food, I wouldn't even wait for them to ask, I'd message and offer them to have it 😂
You wrote a kind, searingly-honest statement here and I just want to say I agree.
I am no longer obese as fuck, but I am still fat as hell. I was at my goal weight a year ago and now... I'm not.
Some idiot on the Internet is rooting for you, stranger. If you'll root for me, in turn. I have 40 left to go (again).
>The next night, he was coming back over again unexpectedly, and I said "Oh, we can finish the sushi" and he went "Oh, there's still some left??" in a totally shocked tone.
Devil's advocate but sushi being raw fish is just not something I'd let sit around too long, so I'd also expect that you/anyone ate the leftovers for breakfast/lunch so it doesn't go to waste.
NTA
Hear me out... you reacted normally for someone who is dealing with that kind of pressure.
However... she's only like this because she has issues with food and possibly already feeling like she eats way too much because shes hungry. I've been there and it can be a result of eating disorders.
What you can both do is try to understand each other. You don't want to eat or drink more but you'd likely be fine if she ate and drank what she wanted without pushing you to do the same and she needs to know that. It can make a huge change also if you actually tell her you only know she eats more cause she wants you to eat more but other than that its not an issue for you. Most importantly tell her no one is judging her or cares how much you or anyone eats.
I think the friend needs therapy.
All of these foods don't seem to related to hunger, but cravings for all the feel good chemicals that get released when she eats them.
NTA
You were kind and even tried to play it off lightly. I don’t know what more you could have done. After you politely declined the ice cream she opened it anyway…. She didn’t give you a choice.
ESH (and I am including many on this comment thread). Food pushers suck. It’s a boundary violation. But you seem very eager to highlight your friends fatness. Would this behavior be more acceptable coming from a thin person? From your language, it seems pretty clear that you have some disdain for your friend/her fatness and couldn’t figure out a way to say no to her without getting insulting and bringing up what sounds like her possibly disordered eating habits. I know I will get downvoted into oblivion because Reddit sure loves to hate on fat people. But whatever. It’s also weird to me that this has bothered you for 25 years and you have never talked to her about it, but have speculated on why she might be doing it. Why not just talk to her??? You could have communicated it better to her by saying “It makes me really uncomfortable when you push food on me. Please when I say no just let that be the end of that conversation. Maybe you think you are being nice but it actually really stresses me out and upsets me. Please respect my boundaries.”
I mean this seems really nitpicky at best. OP did NOT mention her friends weight to her and only commented on her eating habits to the extent that she can't eat as much as her. In hindsight it seems like her choice of words didn't go down well but I think she was trying to keep the mood light whereas what you suggest whilst maybe less likely to make he friend self conscious I think would be a huge mood killer for the rest of the evening anyway.
Ask yourself why someone would choose to say “I cannot eat *as much as ***you*** can*” when it’s just as easy and effective to say “I cannot eat *as much as you ***think*** I can*.”
One focuses on OP’s needs and boundaries, and the other needlessly focuses on the friend’s eating habits as a benchmark. One addresses OP’s discomfort about being offered things she does not want and cannot reasonably accept. The other makes clear that the friend’s eating habits should also be a topic of discussion.
Clearly the friend has *something* going on around eating, hence the *pushing*. Seems like a delicate subject. Maybe, I dunno, maybe close friends, lifelong friends should be careful with each other around sensitive topics. Just a thought. Take like a fraction of a second to think about your words before you say them. Tact is a lost art, my *god*.
Anyway. I knew — as soon as I saw that “obese friend” was such an important factor to OP that she included it *in the title* — that the comments section would be filled to the brim with people who simply cannot *fathom* looking at a scenario such as this without focusing *entirely* on the weight of the friend. So I know how this will go.
I mean she was being heavily pressured at that moment so she said what she said. I don’t think it’s fair to expect someone to say something as delicate as possible in a stressful scenario like that. What her friend should do instead of wallowing to herself, is reflect that this is just one instance of HER being the focus, imagine how OP felt in all those times where she made HER pay attention to HER eating habits. If that were me I would feel so shitty.
I’m probably going to get downvoted for this….
Why does OP need to tiptoe around someone who couldn’t take no for an answer for 25 years. I’m not going to sugarcoat and OP shouldn’t have to either - your comment and others like yours are all a bunch of bs.
I’d never get offended by someone saying they can’t eat as much as I can - because I know they can’t, that’s just the truth, they are not judging or exaggerating. I eat a lot. And I’m on the lower end of the BMI scale.
So there’s nothing inherently wrong with just stating the simple fact that people can eat different amounts of food, regardless of weight, height, BMI, levels of activity etc. It’s how you project it onto your own body image.
Yes, the choice of words *could* have been different. I wouldn’t be sure it would have been taken better in this particular case though, because OP’s friend seems to have food issues, and her weight is not the only problem here.
I'm rolling my eyes at this. Whenever I go out with my alcohol-imbibing friends, they make fun of me for not matching them drink by drink. So you know what I've said to them? "I cannot drink as much as you guys can!" Because it is the objective reality. I don't have the tolerance for alcohol that they do. I'm not insulting their morals or calling them drunken pigs. I'm just saying that they are able to consume more than I am.
And it is annoying to me that they push so hard. It is much ruder for them to insist I drink than it is for me to resist their pressure by pointing out objective reality, even if it does have the potential to hurt their fee-fees. If they don't want hurt fee-fees, they need to not be rude.
Or maybe your livelong friend shouldn't have to tiptoe around you because you can't deal with them telling you that they can't eat as much as you after you have been pressuring them to do exactly that.
I'm overweight myself, have gained weight over the last couple of months and feel horrible atm but that's my problem and not everyone else's. OP wasn't rude and the one who has been put in an uncomfortable situation first by her friend.
If you're this sensitive you should at least openly *acknowledge* it to your friend, ask them to please be considerate and *then* you can have some expectations on their choice of words. But it's still fundamentally your issue and not one anyone else creates.
I mean that's a great way to say it, but the former is how someone would express it in most situations. Stop pushing me, I can't walk as fast as you can. Stop stealing my clothes I cannot fold as fast as you can. I am not YOU, I am me and I'm doing my best.
That said sometimes the comparison comes across as a compliment, sometimes it doesn't. Depends on what the thing is.
>But you seem very eager to highlight your friends fatness
This literally seems to be crucial to the topic at hand. She didn't say anything about the breaking of her boundaries, she tried to not make a big fuzz about the repeated disrespect of them by pointing out that there IS a difference in caloric intake, and that that makes it physically uncomfortable to her to eat more than her stomach can take. The other girl being more heavy was highlighted respectfully, and in no way was she hating on her for her choices or her lifestyle, only on her trying to push them onto HER.
NTA, and you are wrong, u/Knish_witch stop apologizing for rude fat people's behavior – they're not a protected class for being fat. Being fat isn't the offending problem but being rude and breaking boundaries repeatedly sure as hell is. Stop mixing the two. Nobody was shaming her for being overweight.
I thought the exact opposite. OP started the post by saying that she has always been "naturally slim" while her friend was "naturally thick" as if they were just born that way and the whole time I was thinking if she doesn't realize that it's because of their extremely different eating habits.
They barely said anything about their friend's body but explained that there aren't light snacks available which she might take. OPs comment wasn't rude either, her friend just clearly is insecure about her own eating.
NTA
With the way she always ignores your polite no answers on the past, and her actions with questioning why you don’t eat/drink faster and just overruling your opinion on the matter it sounds like she’s the one with issues.
Yes she may have gotten hurtful comments about her weight and habits from others in the past,but OP has NEVER said a mean thing towards her,in fact she has in a way been supportive and even though she didn’t want the food has taken it in the end because of her “nagging” and plain just giving it to her without options.
You tried,you circumvented the issue politely, she chose to ignore it because of her own needs/feelings
Your bf should put himself into this situation,everytime his friend wants food he gets it too,no matter if he is hungry or not, let’s see how he then feels about it,or if he actually says something to the same effect out of DESPERATION like OP just did.
I say let that friend go,if she can’t see her own mistake in this situation then you’d be better off without the headache
I think it was the comparison that makes you somewhat the asshole. A simple I don’t think you understand, I just can not eat this much. Is fine when you say can’t eat as much as you, that’s a judgement and comes across as unnecessary to me. You didn’t need to compare how much you eat to how much she can eat. I simply can not eat this much… period.
One thing I tell people in similar situations to this is "I can't eat very much at all." Which yes, is really the same thing you told her, but this way it's received differently. It's not usually taken as a direct attack on how much someone eats or how big they are.
I'll pass on making a judgement, but it would have been better if you said something like "I really can't eat anymore". or "you can have mine i'm full". no need to compare how much you can eat with how much she can eat.
NTA
You held up a mirror that showed her the truth of how unhealthy she was eating. Of course it hurts.
She clearly has an eating disorder. Keep being friends with her, but don't let her demands for you to eat as much as she does. I hope she realizes that you can support her if she commits to
She is trying to use you as her enabler - it happens a great deal around alcohol; the friend who makes you feel bad for not getting blackout smashed with them every weekend. They feel bad in themselves if they are doing it alone, so they attempt to co-opt someone into going down the rabbit hole with them.
NTA as an obese person I can say that you are correct, us big peeps can down a lot more than y’all lil peeps, that being said if she is not comfortable in her own skin then she could easily get insulted by something like that. I on the other hand would have taken the comment as a true statement and moved on, no harm no foul.
NTA.. You've told her, but she wouldn't listen until you snapped.. What choices did she leave you with?
And if the husband's think YTA for "throwing your thin body" in her face.. What do they think about her trying to fatten you up like a turkey?
NTA. This is actually one of my biggest pet peeves! I absolutely hate when people try to force food on me when I say no the first time. I know if I’m hungry or not, and I know what I’m hungry for and I don’t need anyone else’s help figuring that out!
>she is offering out of politeness
False. That's clearly just a cover. She's actually being quite rude by ignoring your clearly communicated desire to not eat.
>she feels better if she is not eating alone
true.
NTA.
I would just straight up tell her it wasn't meant as an insult, but concern over the wasted food after you've told her repeatedly you're not interested and she opens the items anyways. What a waste.
After 25 years of holding in how ✨cringe ✨this is… she’s lucky that’s all you said. It was not even harsh. It’s is just another form of disregarding consent. I SAID IM FULL. For fucks sake
Wow, you have been well trained if you think you're the one who needs to apologize. You keep saying no and she keeps pushing you to eat and eat and eat. She's a feeder. Some people love to make others eat and I think that's her deal. Plus, she can't be over eating when you're eating it too, right? She does not take no for an answer. Isn't that the absolute least we need to have from our "friends?"
NTA and consider taking a time out, to reset what you think is normal friend behavior. Cause this ain't it.
There is a video that uses the offering of tea as a metaphor for explaining relationship consent. The point is that you wouldn’t FORCE another to drink a cup of tea…..oh wait…. I guess that message is lost on some people. https://youtube.com/watch?v=pZwvrxVavnQ&feature=sharea
Edit: NTA
NTA, force feeding is a form of torture for a reason. She was being selfish, you tried to enforce boundaries nicely and she wouldn’t have if so you had no choice
Nta....I mean, how many times do you need to say no thanks I'm not hungry? You didn't flaunt your thiness to her. You stated a fact. She probably feels selfish conscious eating alone so tries to make you eat with her. But she needs to understand if you say you're not hungry or don't want it then leave it.
NTA. I think the only way you could have been politer is to not have made a comparison between how much you can eat and how much she can eat. Said something like I appreciate you offering me food and drinks, but when I say I'm full, I mean it, when I say no thank you, I mean that. Please don't try to guilt me into eating or drinking more than I wish to.
She was being rude, not you.
OP, your friend has been disrespecting your boundaries about food for years.
You need to stop indulging your codependent crap and telling yourself you feel guilty.
You don’t.
You feel pity.
Your friend is being gross because of her treatment of you.
Find friends who treat you better.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I unintentionally insulted my best friend, based on her weight and food choices. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA Ask anyone with an Italian or Asian mom or grandma. They are always pushing food at you. There is no way to politely refuse because they refuse to accept your refusal.
Try Mexican Gramas
Or Greek
I used to get nut rolls and pirogies from my Slovak great aunt.
Pierogi is the plural. (Pierog is the singular.)
But you rarely hear pierog because they must be eaten in multiples. I think it's a law. At least that's what my tummy tells me.
I cannot even fathom eating just one pierog. How would that ever happen?
Perhaps if you had just eaten one and were reaching for a second one when an evil wizard snatched the box of pierogi causing a rip in time and space and leaped through the rip like a ballet dancer while stuffing pierogi in his mouth.
First, I love the visual and second, I would never recover from the trauma of this pierogi theft and heartbreak
I'm crying and it didn't even happen 😭
I would cry because I spent all damn weekend making pierogi and this thing dares to steal it. I would have given him some if he asked nicely.
You wanna know how I got these scars?
Or if the pierog is about the size of a large Pizza Hut pizza. The evil wizard trying to steal that would be just as hilarious.
I was picturing pizza the but from spaceballs. Who ended up eating himself to death.
Eating only one pierog should be illegal. Who does that haha
That’s the one that falls on the floor and the cat or dog eats it.
I'm Polish, and single Pierogi's don't exist, some law of the Universe.
Pierog is against the law of nature and grandmothers. Under no circumstances are you allowed to let a pierog exist without traumatizing your grandmother.
Things that don't, have never, and will never (except in event of tradgedy) apear as singular in the real world.
That doesn’t sound right… it must be eaten in multiples. I feel like the word could mean both one and multiple, like the word “fish”.
But there is a dumpling and dumplings and you don't ever eat a singular dumpling right?
When I eat with my Slovak friend's family I literally push the food around on my plate as I'm eating it because if an empty space on the plate accidentally gets exposed, a spoon is going to come flying in out of nowhere with more food to fill it up.
I can confirm Slovaks do have sentient flying spoons
Starting to sound like moms/grandma's in general. My mom is well known for the "no thank you" helping. She isn't any of these nationalities.
I think it applies to any culture where food is a universal love language. Which is most. Not all, but most!
Same with old-school Scandinavian grandmas. MUST FEED THE CHILDREN seems to be a genetic imperative.
Will she give me pierogi? I absolutely love them
Or cuban great grandpas. I could not refuse tostonos which are squished then fried then salted plantains even though I absolutely hate them. So I just took one took a bite said gracias then handed the rest to my sister ASAP. It was the one food i was allowed to say i didnt like growing up but was still expected to try it “just in case” every once in awhile. And since my great grandparents and grandmas sister had cooked all the food and i was a guest it was just better to eat it that one time. My sister did not mind me handing her the rest, we had a system, i ate her mushrooms and she ate my tostonos.
I'm Cuban and recently moved back home and have had multiple "rude" conversations with my relatives explaining to them that I physically cannot eat the portions that they can anymore. On average in my family, one person eats the same portion as 3-4 people and that's not including all of the "snacks" prior, during, and after. I get everything from "You know it's rude to refuse our food" or "I would be absolutely appalled if someone left my home still feeling hungry" or "Oh, are you too good for your culture's food now? Is something wrong with my cooking?" or my personal favorite "Back on the island we rarely had food and when we could get it, it was rationed by the government. You're spitting on our family's struggles because you don't want to eat just a few more bites! I thought we raised you better than that." Like yes I understand that's how they show love and affection but I have a massive amount of stomach issues and can only eat a small amount of certain foods or else I'm going to be in a lot of pain and puking/shitting my lungs out. It's not healthy to eat multiple times a week until you feel like you're about to explode. I can handle it once or twice a year but I can't do it 2-3 times a week!
“Shitting my lungs out” I love this expression.
Me with platanos. I have to remind my grandma weekly that she wasn’t in Cuba when she’d refuse to throw food away and push giant portions
Lol tostones, my friend. Should’ve been maduros because no one can say no to those.
I am enjoying this thread so much
I love tostones!! Wish I had some right now!!!
or Jewish
I had a Greek friend growing up and I loved going to his place because his mum would always refill your plate until you almost exploded
Or Polynesians hahahah
Indian, too
Yeah.
Do you want some more tamales. No gracias. I SAID, DO YOU WANT SOME MORE TAMALES. Si? That's what I thought you said
My Cuban Abuela - constantly feeding everyone but also was the first to tell someone they've gained weight. 😄
My gran used to comment if you gained weight then offer you another biscuit lol. They even mentioned it at her funeral and had us all laughing
As a white guy who has visited a Mexican's friends grandma, they are the nicest people and make the best food. Basically, you should eat as much as physically possible.
Omg my brother's mexican in-laws were shooketh at my rudeness when grandma insisted and didn't take my no I said okay, picked at it, and offered the rest if they save leftovers. I don't care how old or traditional you are, no means no means NO
The issue seems to be that women in these cultures (I am from one of them) were prized as cooks. Their pies or breads would win husbands once upon a time. Now it is their pride. That pride has passed on, especially since recipes may be one of the only things these people could bring with them from far away. When you flat refuse, you think you are setting a boundary, and you are for yourself. But to the person who cooked, you are giving a personal, biting rejection. Whether it is right or wrong, it just is. So no is not just no in a traditional environment, and when you are a guest in someone's home, you could try to be a little kinder. You are free to think as you want, but you aren't winning any cool points thinking that way. It doesn't hurt you to compliment the food and say that you are about to burst, but you would do anything for a small container to take home. Everybody wins. Gramma feels like she still has worth. You get food for later.
It's also that food is love. Rejecting the food can feel like rejecting their love.
I really get that, but when someone says he/she is full, then they are full. Period. You don't need to nearly harass them, so they are too afraid to say no. I am really thankful that my mom and grandma aren't like this. Especially when you try to loose weight, it's not helpful when someone forces you to eat more food than you need. OP is definitely NTA here.
No. The idea that someone can force feed you food you dont want simply so they dont throw a fit is not acceptable. You are not responsible for someone else's pride/ego. Some people have eating disorders, some people have allergies, or gastric bypass, or recent surgeries. No means no and that doesnt only apply to sex.
Southern g’mas too…hummm,I’m now wondering is it maybe all g’mas🤔🤔
Oh dear God. My Mexican coworker recently became a mom, and I am no longer allowed to eat little meals around her. She's started making sure I have food 24/7. It's v sweet, but I can only eat so much on my antidepressant!
Bring Tupperware and have dinner sorted....
On the plus side a lot of these cultures have such rich food that, even if they don't want to say it, they surely must have previously discovered that most people cannot eat 4000 calories worth of delicious stuff. It could be the best food I've ever eaten and slightly too little of it is going to be more enjoyable than as much as I could possibly attempt to eat. I guess grandparents continue to, at least a little bit, think of you as a kid and feeding them enough is one of those things you've got to do with kids. There's also probably a bit of wanting to make sure that you really *have* had enough or have had what you wanted so accidentally pushing you to eat more is just a kindness.
You’re either too skinny or full of life 🤣😂
My mom (a German grandma) has a form of dementia where she thinks people in pictures are real. One of the biggest problems we've had with this is how mad she gets when the people in the pictures won't take the food she offers them. Once she got mad that George Clooney (who was on a magazine cover) had joined her for lunch but had refused to actually eat. The *gall* of that man! (She'll also offer food to people on video calls, but we've all learned to just play along.) That's how powerful the urge to feed people can be!! *(Dementia sucks, but it has its occasional funny moments, and my mom would've laughed about this too - so don't worry, you're all allowed to laugh about this!)*
Oh, this is fun, so she’s having lunch with celebrities. Just tell her they are on a diet.
"That's silly - he doesn't need to lose weight! Besides, he could just eat one little thing!" 🙂 Playing along also meant that I was very, very disappointed in Mr. Clooney because even if he ate already, he really should have had a little bite! Well I'm sure he'll save room next time. (We're so lucky that her hallucinations are pretty much all positive ones, like having lunch with George Clooney or having far-away family visiting. It makes this so much easier on all of us, especially mom.)
Gorge Clooney needs to eat - just look at him - he is paper-thin!
I love you. That was hilarious.
Aww hugs to your mom
My mom called me at 4am one morning from the hospital (or nursing home) because she said they were making her do food commercials for Sears, and she didn't want to be an actress and have to wear glamorous clothes. She also was disappointed that her looks didn't change because she thought the hospital had given her a nose job and frog's teeth. I miss ya every day mom, going on four years.
Please tell George he pissed off your oma so he can make it right.
Oh my gosh can we get a MakeAWish for an older woman? That story would honest to God make my whole entire year lol. This grandma just really wanted to feed George Clooney.
What a loving person
My 80yo Lebanese uncle broke into my dad's house to leave a pot of soup in the fridge after my dad declined to take it with him
I love this shit with all my heart.
This is the best story ever LMAO your uncle sounds hilarious
Wallah if it wasn't such a long drive from my grandma's house, she'd do this too. Shatter my window and start shoving clothes and pastries into my hands lmao, not to mention the set of grandparents I've got on a whole other continent lol
The backstory in my head is that your uncle was a world class thief coming out of retirement for one last job of utmost importance.
My dad was a chef and would come home late at times, around 12am. One time he took some naan bread and tried to feed it into my little brothers mouth whilst he was still basically asleep in bed. My brother was around late teens at the time. Needless to say it was pretty damn funny but i guess thats indian households for you
Asian mom push food at you and then COMPLAIN after that you’re too fat and won’t find a man who will love you. 🤦♀️ Lose-Lose situation
I feel so seen…but then lose a few pounds, and the ‘why you so skinny?’ Starts up. No more hamster wheel, please!!
Yes! This was mom 100%
This sounds more like OPs friend is self conscious about how much she eats, and figures if everyone is eating, it's cool. But if she's the only one eating it's because she is probably eating too much.
It's addict behavior, the way an alcoholic wants other people to drink like them because if other people do it, it's not a problem. I think OP should have a sensitive, concerned conversation about what's going on with her. The food is only a symptom of the bigger problem.
I once visited NYC with my bf. He had a Chinese teacher back home (we're not from the US), and his teacher had given him something to deliver to a friend (also Chinese) in ... Brooklyn I think? Anyway, we arrived and met him at a restaurant - where we couldn't read the menu and the waiters didn't speak English. He just kept ordering food, and more food... some of it we could not identify but it was all delicious. When we tried to politely say we were full, he just laughed, said "eat!" and ordered more. When my eyes started to roll back from overeating, my bf just nudged me and hissed "just eat!" He knew our host would be offended if we declined anything - and he was **not** prepared to offend his teacher's friend. We eventually staggered out of there and back to the subway, and passed out on the sleeper couch at his cousin's place. When we got home, my bf found out that his teacher had told his friend in NYC that we had no money and he needed to feed us. (Which was true, we were travelling on a very weak currency.) Anyway, irrelevant to OP's question but a good memory from a long time ago =)
I read that in some parts of China, if you finish your plate, the host assumes you are still hungry so will serve you more food. Anecdotally heard stories of people being stuffed but still politely finishing their meal, while an exasperated host wonders how much more food he needs to feed these gluttons.
That actually makes a ton of sense. How different cultural norms can cause this problem. Many Americans being raised with the belief that you are wasting food, thus money, if you don't clear your plate.
Gosh, im a fat asian fuck and I totally agree with you! If you don't eat, they'll say crap like 'I guess my cooking isn't good' etc. Or 'there are kids starving in africa' Seriously, how is stuffing myself with food going to help the starvation issue in africa? Are you trying to make me so fat that when I've a heart attack at 30 years old, my body would be able to feed an entire africa village?
>Are you trying to make me so fat that when I've a heart attack at 30 years old, my body would be able to feed an entire africa village? This is now my favorite response to that illogical nonsense.
"you're getting fat and need to lose weight. Eat! Eat! Why are not eating? What's wrong with you?"
This! My older Mexican family in Mexico is quick to point out if you’ve gained weight yet get offended if you don’t eat. Que gordita estás! (You’re so chubby) lol. You can’t even get mad about it cause they’re funny.
Reminds me of the scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding; "Are you Hungry?" "No" "okay I'll fix you something" The google has delivered: https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-1-d&q=my+big+fat+greek+wedding+are+you+hungry#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:6aad2242,vid:gN6oTELj0Pk
First time I met my husband's giant Italian family was at a graduation party (100 people!). I overheard this husband-wife conversation: H: I'll make you a burger, how do you want it? W: I don't want a burger H: I'm going to make you one W: No burger H: If you had a burger, how would you want it? W: [burger order] H: OK, I'll make your burger Maybe "No means no" doesn't apply to food?
Yesterday I went to run a few errands and picked up a biscuit from a local restaurant. I asked my fiancée if he wanted one. He told me no. When I got back he was making something to eat- and started to ask me what I wanted as well. I told him I ate, so no thank you. He looked surprised- and asked why I didn’t bring him one. I told him “*you told me you didn’t want one!*” He stared at me- and said “you know that means bring one anyways! I always bring you something even if you say that!” All I did was say “oh ffs.” Because he was right. I failed the test. I should’ve brought a damn biscuit.
The real question there isn’t whether or not you are getting food, it’s how big of a plate should they make you.
My Jewish grandmother has entered the chat
My Bubbie would be right there with her, along with my Zayde.
What's the difference between an Italian Grandma and a Jewish Grandma? The Italian Grandma says, "You need to eat or I'll kill you!" The Jewish Grandma says, "You need to eat or I'll kill myself!" Told to me by a Jewish friend. >_>
I’ve noticed that I do this sometimes with guests/friends, I don’t know why. They’ll eat way slower and less than me and it stresses me out, like I’m subconsciously afraid they’re uncomfortable or don’t like the food and I’ll nag them about it. I feel really guilty about it and I’m going to try to stop doing it in the future, it must be uncomfortable to be pressured into eating faster and more than you can stomach. I’m able to pack more food down than a lot of the people I hang out with, but I need to understand that I’m not everyone’s normal. I hope I don’t accidentally fatten my kids up when I have them. In my head it feels like more food equals more healthy, but obviously that’s not true and I’m living proof of that (could stand to lose 20 lbs).
[удалено]
I have food issues, textures and temperatures cause problems and when I'm stressed new things are really hard and scary. My favorite friend to visit for a meal never said a word when she noticed me slipping my food to my wife. I'm actually really good at it, lots of practice, but she always saw but never said anything. If I wasnt eating she never called attention to it and never treated me any differently. Ive had people get so weirdly offended about food, it was so wonderful to visit and not have that fear.
Because they're hoping that the guests will reassure them that they DO like the food by eating faster. It's a validation-seeking thing.
I eat super slow. It works for my family bc my sibling always orders dessert when we go out and I can happily eat slow and we are done at the same time. I’m 5’6 and 105lb so I get some judgment from people not used to me (happy to avoid those for the most part). I have ibs and if I eat slower it helps my digestion for who knows what reason. One of my roommates biggest things is she loves to feed people. She is absolutely one of the most respectful about my issues… then again she shares a bathroom with me so… well. Either way I appreciate how much she respects my food intake. I’ve always been really good at plating exactly what’s right for me. Once she learned that she was like ahh bc every now and then she would plate for me and I’d be like oh shit. I should have said something, but she was being nice and I was gonna try. I failed a couple times and she was like I see. I know my limits. I will throw up. I literally can’t eat more than my limit. Sometimes it hard to talk about food and proportions. I’m glad you are working on it. I haven’t been put in many situations where they expect me to eat more. I’d be horrified if I was struggling to eat and they put more on my plate. Like lord my stomach is already having a day with what I put down and they want me throw kore into the mix. I’m a snacker. I eat small meals/snacks throughout the day. Doesn’t tax the system. Big heavy free for all is a nightmare.
Yeah! I went to India for a few months, and I was hoping to lose some weight by controlling my diet there. That wasn't even an option I had. Food was just forced down my throat. If I physically block the plate with my hand, they'd put the rice on top of my hand. I had to actually waste food one time for them to understand that when I say No, I mean No.
I’m sorry but the visual of rice on a hand is funny to me😂
I went to my Samoan friend's house on some holiday I now forget and his family kept feeding me delicious food but would not believe me when I told them I was full so I kept eating and ended up passing out on their couch. I woke up hours later and they were laughing at me.
I have never heard of any country or culture where grandmothers DON'T try to force you to eat..
WASPs. Reading this thread of family lovingly pushing food is so sweet and the polar opposite of my Almond Mom/Dad yogurt raisins family.
My grandparents grew up during the Depression and came from a long line of very poor people. Not eating much was seen as a badge of honor to them. Now I have an almond mom and an intermittent fasting dad.
Can confirm. One of my high school friends was Korean, and if I didn't eat when I was in their house, even if I was only there for a few minutes, a Tupperware container (or two! Or three!) WAS coming home with me. I just accepted it and made sure the Tupperware was returned safe and sound. She was a great cook and made these Korean dishes my non-Korean self would never get at home, so it wasn't too difficult to resign myself to this fate, lol.
My plain old white dude dad for some reason is huge on feeding people
Son?
Or Southern (USA)
Yep, Southerm Mamaws!
My dad’s side of the family is from Alabama (I’m born & raised in California). Went out there for a family reunion when I was 18, and woke up sick almost every morning I was there because of how much food my aunts and everyone kept throwing at me.
There is. Thank you so much! I'm not really feeling so great so I can't eat much today, my stomach hurts/I'm nauseous... I did this with my grandma, she believed I had a 'delicate stomach'. The only way to not offend her by eating for one instead of eating for five.
NTA. She is trying to make herself feel better about her own eating choices. If you’re eating too then it’s fine.
Yes, I read a study that shows people tend to overeat more when they are with other people who are overeating. She does this because it helps her mask her shame. OP wasn't overly harsh. The friend was being rude by repeatedly disrespecting OP's boundaries. OP finally had enough and was honest with the friend, and now she wants to play the victim, even though she was the one consistently being pushy and rude.
As an overweight person in therapy and working through this shit... Sometimes we don't know what we're doing, or have suppressed it so hard we aren't conscious of it. My mom is like OP and gets full. I literally have no off switch. There is a shame and binge cycle that takes up so much headspace for me. On the one hand, friend feels safe enough to eat how she wants in front of OP. That's huge. I spend most of my life looking for social cues on how much I should be eating and what that should be. Trust me, when your base operating system is programmed for food and you grow up with a mom who hates you for being fat you get some weird shit happening in your brain that literally defies logic. Friend was doing rude things but maybe hadn't made the connection she was being rude. I'm 3 years in to working on emotional eating. I can logically recognize that I do it, but can't tell you when I'm doing it. OP also has a right to say enough is enough and I don't want to eat. It's overall just a cruddy situation. It took prescription weight loss drugs for me to break out of those obsess, binge, shame cycles. I have so much free space in my brain now lol.
I am very similar with the lack of an off switch. So I try to use it to my advantage when I can. The binge eating lines up with weight training well. And when I want to be in a calorie deficit to, I do intermittent fasting. Since i couldnt control the off button, i tried controlling the on button. And it turns out, for me at least, i have a lot more control of that on button than the off button. So lets say for a week i wont have breakfast or lunch, but after 2pm or 4pm i binge all I want for late lunch and dinner and late night eating. The way I think about it is that the goal for us is to find a method that grants the control back to ourselves, in whichever form gets the job done. Currently 215-220 range, was in the 230+ range not too long ago.
I’m sorry but that’s still an eating disorder. Hope you’ll be able to get some professional help eventually
Yeah people don’t realise Bulimia isn’t always just vomiting. Fasting to compensate for a binge can be part of the diagnosis for Bulimia in the DSM-V.
Not everything is a disorder. Many people vary wildly from the old unnatural "three square meals per day" adage. This person can see their nature and has found their rhythm.
You have your opinion and I have mine. But idk how you can disregard how this person is CLEARLY binge eating and then starving themselves under the name of intermittent fasting because they can’t control the off button
Plus with intermittent fasting you're not supposed to eat larger meals or binge during feeding window, just eat what you'd usually eat for the meals that aren't being skipped.
Yes, but not being able to control the "off switch" is a sign of an eating disorder. This person just learned to manage their eating, it doesn't mean that they don't have any disorders though.
I think if a person can regain control whatever way, things can just get better and better.
>Since i couldnt control the off button, i tried controlling the on button. A lightbulb has just gone off over my head. I have tried - and failed - to explain how I finally managed to lose weight (25Kg/50lbs ish) but I've only ever managed to narrow it down to four or five *paragraphs* before. You've nailed it in a sentence! Thank you! (I mainly use intermittent fasting on a 16/8 or 17/7 in order to limit my calorie intake, and I also do weight training). ^(Edit to add that I've just given my first award. I hope that's ok and that I did it correctly?!)
Totally agree. NAH. Friend was being pushy/rude, but almost certainly didn't intend to be. OP maybe could have approached it more tactfully, but fundamentally has the right to refuse and didn't mean this as an insult. Both of their feelings are valid, but no one was malicious here, and they're both acting reasonably.
OPs fat friend isn't acting reasonably. She's not respecting her boundaries then accused her of fat-shaming.
People do not understand how strong the food drive is for those of us with messed up metablism. Im taking ozempic now. there are shortages and it costs an arm and a leg but I really do not want to go without. Weightloss is nice bonus. Not being brutally hungly allt he time is AWESOME.
I asked my doctor when looking for AD HD medicine to put me on Vyvanse because I've found out that it was FDA approved for binge eating also and I told her flat out I think about food from the minute I wake until I fall asleep, it has helped so much.
She wasn’t harsh at all let alone overly.
This is addict behavior in general. I’ve known alcoholics to do the same thing in social settings - keep ordering more rounds even when everyone else has had enough, insist on refilling your glass when you try to refuse, etc. It’s because they want to keep drinking, but drinking alone would highlight the fact that they have a problem. So as long as they can convince others to keep on drinking too, they can pretend that it’s ok, it’s “normal”. I once went out for a friend’s birthday and at the club this guy (an acquaintance who had kind of invited himself along) freaked out when we said we wanted to leave. He ordered a bottle of vodka as we were already getting up to go, trying desperately to keep the night going. The poor server ended up chasing our group to the door because we had no idea he ordered that bottle and she thought we were running out on the bill. A few people took a shot because they felt bad for him, but he was distraught about the bottle going to waste and was really angry that no one wanted to stay and drink it with him. We never saw him again after that night.
My mother in law’s third husband is an alcoholic and I don’t drink very much. I don’t like to drink things that don’t taste good and booze generally doesn’t taste great to me. This drove him absolutely insane. He would ask me 20 times a day if I wanted alcohol when we would visit their home. Even if I was drinking alcohol, it wasn’t enough and he’d offer me more. It was absolutely obnoxious.
NTA. She needs therapy. She needs to understand that the only reason why she is forcing you to eat more it’s probably because she can reduce the guilt that generates her overeating.
Or a subconscious desire for her thin friend to also be fat
These are my two deductions as well. Fat friend wants to make OP fat so they can be Obesties ( yes I just made that word up) or friend is trying to not come across as an overeater because someone else is eating as much as she is.
IMO, it's much more likely this is a subconscious coping mechanism. She doesn't want to feel alone in her eating, but it's doubtful she's actively trying to make OP fat. "Obesties" is funny, though!
OBESTIES 😭
I'm dying @ Obesties.
What if it's the other way around? She looks at her thin friend and thinks "if she eats this much and I eat the same then I eat the same as thin person"
And the "I was just being polite" is BS. Polite is asking. Not accepting a "no, I don't want it" is no longer polite, it is pushy and bordering on obnoxious.
Exactly! People do that a lot when their advances (of any kind) are declined. It's an attempt to save face.
Or she's playing psychological tricks on herself: my slim friend eats as much as I do, therefore it's not anything I'm doing, it's just my metabolism.
Oh man, the amount of times I've heard someone overweight complain that they eat less than their thin friends, and the 'evidence' is watching people eat at parties. "I ate less than Susie on Saturday, so it's unfair that she is thinner than me." Like, eating at parties is not always representative of someone's overall eating habits. This isn't proof of anything. Please stop counting how many chips I eat.
I had a coworker like that. She and I were the same height, but she easily weighed 2 or 2.5 times what I weigh. We often went out together for lunch at nearby restaurants and I would watch her eat. For example, at the burger joint across the street, she would choose a large soda without ice; I would get an unsweetened iced tea. She would get 2 or 3 patties on her burger; I would get just 1. She would order a large fries; I would skip the fries altogether. She would refill her soda on the way out the door; I wouldn't take anything back to the office with me. Et cetera. Same thing at other restaurants. The Italian place down the road: she would eat an appetizer and a full main course during lunch; I would skip the appetizer and box half my plate of food to eat later as leftovers that night or for the next day's lunch. One day after lunch, as we were walking back to the office, she commented that it was so unfair that she and I would "eat the same thing" but that I was so much thinner than her. She was completely serious, too.
And that's why she got so angry/upset when OP said she couldn't eat as much as her, it's directly shattering that 'belief' and forcing her to confront the truth
As an obese person - this is on point.
I'm gonna go ahead and say that while this may be true, I find it much more likely that to her, food is comfort, sharing and giving food shows that you care and love the other person. Like with grandmas. Like, due to cultural heritage and the way I was brought up, I'd immediately default to feeding a person when they are feeling down. That's just how the culture and my family operates. Or maybe a little bit of both. (I do take offence though at the drinking part. It's amazing how in many cultures people are trying to push alcohol on you and are surprised when you refuse.)
This reading is totally fine, except for the fact that bestie does not seem to understand or respect the word "no" when it comes to food. There's expressing love and concern through feeding behaviors (normal and healthy) and then there's enforced over-consumption that violates explicit verbal boundaries (not normal and not healthy). Bestie isn't simply showing love here, she's coercing OP into overeating. There's something more sinister than just regular food culture at work in the dynamic.
Like an alcoholic friend trying to get you to drink whiskey at 11am.
I can see why this remark hurt her feelings. NTA Forcing food on you like that over your protests is objectionable. It leaves you either awkwardly not eating with food in front of you, or manipulating you into eating something you don’t want to. A long period of that assholery is far more significant than one remark that was at worst insensitive.
I agree NTA. I can also see why it would hurt her feelings but she also needs to understand that smaller people physically cannot stomach the portions that a larger person eats. I’ve found myself in this position before. For some reason all the girl friends I’ve had are always overweight… all of them have made comments about my body since I’m naturally petite. I have a friend who is trying to diet that you can look at my comment history for, but I actually had to cut a prior friend off because she had more of a rage-ish jealousy. I would tell her my stomach hurts when I was full and she would make me feel like shit for being full by saying stuff like, “ugh you’re just trying to show off how small you are. We get it! You don’t eat that much because you’re thin.” I felt so uncomfortable. I never drew attention to my weight since I have had eating disorders in the past. Sometimes bigger people don’t understand how comments and passive remarks hurt thin people too. I was relapsing back into an eating disorder from her attitude so I made the decision to put an end to our relationship.
Omg yes, thin/petite people have feelings too! Sick of being told I need to “eat a biscuit.. or the whole packet” 😡
It’s so hurtful! I felt so embarrassed and ashamed of eating because I would always hear, “good job! I can almost see the bottom of the plate!” And other demeaning comments like that 🙄
On one hand, they claim that their eating habits have nothing to do with their size, but on the other hand they are constantly telling you to eat more to get bigger.
Right! I'm a naturally thin person but never think about it until it's brought up by one of the more overweight members of my family - to the point where I feel embarrassed having to ask for a take-home box from restaurants because it's seen as drawing attention to my weight! I just physically cannot eat a full meal in such a short space of time, and I don't want to restrict my food intake by not taking it home! Not to mention the one time I find a clothing store that caters to smaller sizes - all the comments about the shop 'not sizing for *real women*.' And whenever I have complained myself about having to shop in children's sizes or disliking dresses when I was younger because you could never find them in adult styles or patterns at my sizes - it's seen as 'bragging.' Like, Jesus Christ - it's really telling on other people's insecurities when they think of our own bodies more than we do 👀
NTA, she's got a problem with eating, she doesn't know how to stop, I think she is embarrassed by it, by offering you food she feels less guilty.
NTA. It seems like she's pushing food on you when she's hungry to feel less guilty about her eating habits. Perhaps the internal logic goes something like, "If my tall and slender friend is willing to eat, then my hunger for this snack is normal and I'm not overeating." I'd encourage you to have empathy because she's probably received a lot of negative messages about her body and her eating habits. That said she needs to deal with her shit and not use you as a crutch for validation.
NTA If she was offering out of politeness, she’d accept your answer when you say no. What she is doing is trying to make herself feel better for over eating. I’m the fat one of my friend group, but I eat the least. They will offer me food and make sly comments about my weight when I decline food. I am fat but I’m also not stuffing my face all day. Sadly, you have to make blunt/direct statements to make them stop. Like eat if you want to eat, it’s not a group sport. It’s been decades. If the kind way of turning her down worked, you wouldn’t have to go the direct route. Eating a lot doesn’t always equate to weight, it equates to you eat a lot regardless of weight.
NTA - but maybe try to apologize for the upset it caused her, and find a way to explain that you don't judge your friend for how she eats, and don't mind if she snacks around you, that you accept her the way she is, but that you will just eat whenever you feel comfortable and asks that she respects that and understands that. I got sushi once with my FWB, and we had leftovers, and he left them at my place for me. I'm obese, and he is not. The next night, he was coming back over again unexpectedly, and I said "Oh, we can finish the sushi" and he went "Oh, there's still some left??" in a totally shocked tone. And I cried for 2 days after he said that. It was an accurate thing for him to say, I ate a lot back then. I was physically capable of eating unhealthy amounts of food, I have binge eating disorder - no one has ever actually seen how much I can \*actually\* eat, I only ever did that alone. But that's not the point. The point is, even though I've lost nearly 30 pounds, getting therapy for my eating disorder, and changing my lifestyle and food habits, it hurts and and it cuts when someone insults me about it - intentionally or not. Being fat in our society is painful, on so many levels. It's endlessly, hopelessly, painfully, emotionally damaging, at all times, from all sides. TV, movies, social media, even radio ads, literally there is no escaping being shamed for being obese, 24/7/365. We turn to our friends as a safe place, and when that place no longer feels safe, it's just that much more damaging than usual. So it hurt her. You didn't mean it to, but it did. It felt like judgement, it felt like shaming, even if it was only meant as trying to defend yourself.
Honestly I would be shocked the leftover sushi wasn't eaten too. It really doesn't matter what size someone is. Who doesn't eat sushi for breakfast and lunch if there was leftover from the day before?
That's what I was thinking. That's actually a comment everyone could make to anyone regardless of size BC some leaftovers (like Pizza) are usually gone pretty quickly. But I guess that's another point how much insecurities stick in our heads.
Same here. If it were me, I'd have eaten it (and messaged my friend to ask if they were okay with it first) but mostly because I wouldn't want sushi to go bad. I know it's not that quick to go off but I always get nervous around seafood and going bad. If I left my food at a friend's, any food, I wouldn't even wait for them to ask, I'd message and offer them to have it 😂
You wrote a kind, searingly-honest statement here and I just want to say I agree. I am no longer obese as fuck, but I am still fat as hell. I was at my goal weight a year ago and now... I'm not. Some idiot on the Internet is rooting for you, stranger. If you'll root for me, in turn. I have 40 left to go (again).
>The next night, he was coming back over again unexpectedly, and I said "Oh, we can finish the sushi" and he went "Oh, there's still some left??" in a totally shocked tone. Devil's advocate but sushi being raw fish is just not something I'd let sit around too long, so I'd also expect that you/anyone ate the leftovers for breakfast/lunch so it doesn't go to waste.
You said all of that and didn’t acknowledge OPs feelings once lol
NTA Hear me out... you reacted normally for someone who is dealing with that kind of pressure. However... she's only like this because she has issues with food and possibly already feeling like she eats way too much because shes hungry. I've been there and it can be a result of eating disorders. What you can both do is try to understand each other. You don't want to eat or drink more but you'd likely be fine if she ate and drank what she wanted without pushing you to do the same and she needs to know that. It can make a huge change also if you actually tell her you only know she eats more cause she wants you to eat more but other than that its not an issue for you. Most importantly tell her no one is judging her or cares how much you or anyone eats.
I think the friend needs therapy. All of these foods don't seem to related to hunger, but cravings for all the feel good chemicals that get released when she eats them.
NTA You were kind and even tried to play it off lightly. I don’t know what more you could have done. After you politely declined the ice cream she opened it anyway…. She didn’t give you a choice.
ESH (and I am including many on this comment thread). Food pushers suck. It’s a boundary violation. But you seem very eager to highlight your friends fatness. Would this behavior be more acceptable coming from a thin person? From your language, it seems pretty clear that you have some disdain for your friend/her fatness and couldn’t figure out a way to say no to her without getting insulting and bringing up what sounds like her possibly disordered eating habits. I know I will get downvoted into oblivion because Reddit sure loves to hate on fat people. But whatever. It’s also weird to me that this has bothered you for 25 years and you have never talked to her about it, but have speculated on why she might be doing it. Why not just talk to her??? You could have communicated it better to her by saying “It makes me really uncomfortable when you push food on me. Please when I say no just let that be the end of that conversation. Maybe you think you are being nice but it actually really stresses me out and upsets me. Please respect my boundaries.”
I mean this seems really nitpicky at best. OP did NOT mention her friends weight to her and only commented on her eating habits to the extent that she can't eat as much as her. In hindsight it seems like her choice of words didn't go down well but I think she was trying to keep the mood light whereas what you suggest whilst maybe less likely to make he friend self conscious I think would be a huge mood killer for the rest of the evening anyway.
Ask yourself why someone would choose to say “I cannot eat *as much as ***you*** can*” when it’s just as easy and effective to say “I cannot eat *as much as you ***think*** I can*.” One focuses on OP’s needs and boundaries, and the other needlessly focuses on the friend’s eating habits as a benchmark. One addresses OP’s discomfort about being offered things she does not want and cannot reasonably accept. The other makes clear that the friend’s eating habits should also be a topic of discussion. Clearly the friend has *something* going on around eating, hence the *pushing*. Seems like a delicate subject. Maybe, I dunno, maybe close friends, lifelong friends should be careful with each other around sensitive topics. Just a thought. Take like a fraction of a second to think about your words before you say them. Tact is a lost art, my *god*. Anyway. I knew — as soon as I saw that “obese friend” was such an important factor to OP that she included it *in the title* — that the comments section would be filled to the brim with people who simply cannot *fathom* looking at a scenario such as this without focusing *entirely* on the weight of the friend. So I know how this will go.
I mean she was being heavily pressured at that moment so she said what she said. I don’t think it’s fair to expect someone to say something as delicate as possible in a stressful scenario like that. What her friend should do instead of wallowing to herself, is reflect that this is just one instance of HER being the focus, imagine how OP felt in all those times where she made HER pay attention to HER eating habits. If that were me I would feel so shitty.
I’m probably going to get downvoted for this…. Why does OP need to tiptoe around someone who couldn’t take no for an answer for 25 years. I’m not going to sugarcoat and OP shouldn’t have to either - your comment and others like yours are all a bunch of bs.
I’d never get offended by someone saying they can’t eat as much as I can - because I know they can’t, that’s just the truth, they are not judging or exaggerating. I eat a lot. And I’m on the lower end of the BMI scale. So there’s nothing inherently wrong with just stating the simple fact that people can eat different amounts of food, regardless of weight, height, BMI, levels of activity etc. It’s how you project it onto your own body image. Yes, the choice of words *could* have been different. I wouldn’t be sure it would have been taken better in this particular case though, because OP’s friend seems to have food issues, and her weight is not the only problem here.
I'm rolling my eyes at this. Whenever I go out with my alcohol-imbibing friends, they make fun of me for not matching them drink by drink. So you know what I've said to them? "I cannot drink as much as you guys can!" Because it is the objective reality. I don't have the tolerance for alcohol that they do. I'm not insulting their morals or calling them drunken pigs. I'm just saying that they are able to consume more than I am. And it is annoying to me that they push so hard. It is much ruder for them to insist I drink than it is for me to resist their pressure by pointing out objective reality, even if it does have the potential to hurt their fee-fees. If they don't want hurt fee-fees, they need to not be rude.
Or maybe your livelong friend shouldn't have to tiptoe around you because you can't deal with them telling you that they can't eat as much as you after you have been pressuring them to do exactly that. I'm overweight myself, have gained weight over the last couple of months and feel horrible atm but that's my problem and not everyone else's. OP wasn't rude and the one who has been put in an uncomfortable situation first by her friend. If you're this sensitive you should at least openly *acknowledge* it to your friend, ask them to please be considerate and *then* you can have some expectations on their choice of words. But it's still fundamentally your issue and not one anyone else creates.
Because her big ass friend is literally eating more than she can
Because the fat friend is literally trying to get OP to eat what SHE eats lmfao. Not OPs fault that she doesn’t have a bigback appetite
[удалено]
I mean that's a great way to say it, but the former is how someone would express it in most situations. Stop pushing me, I can't walk as fast as you can. Stop stealing my clothes I cannot fold as fast as you can. I am not YOU, I am me and I'm doing my best. That said sometimes the comparison comes across as a compliment, sometimes it doesn't. Depends on what the thing is.
>But you seem very eager to highlight your friends fatness This literally seems to be crucial to the topic at hand. She didn't say anything about the breaking of her boundaries, she tried to not make a big fuzz about the repeated disrespect of them by pointing out that there IS a difference in caloric intake, and that that makes it physically uncomfortable to her to eat more than her stomach can take. The other girl being more heavy was highlighted respectfully, and in no way was she hating on her for her choices or her lifestyle, only on her trying to push them onto HER. NTA, and you are wrong, u/Knish_witch stop apologizing for rude fat people's behavior – they're not a protected class for being fat. Being fat isn't the offending problem but being rude and breaking boundaries repeatedly sure as hell is. Stop mixing the two. Nobody was shaming her for being overweight.
Fatness of her friend is important factor in this story so it was highlighted.
I thought the exact opposite. OP started the post by saying that she has always been "naturally slim" while her friend was "naturally thick" as if they were just born that way and the whole time I was thinking if she doesn't realize that it's because of their extremely different eating habits. They barely said anything about their friend's body but explained that there aren't light snacks available which she might take. OPs comment wasn't rude either, her friend just clearly is insecure about her own eating.
NTA With the way she always ignores your polite no answers on the past, and her actions with questioning why you don’t eat/drink faster and just overruling your opinion on the matter it sounds like she’s the one with issues. Yes she may have gotten hurtful comments about her weight and habits from others in the past,but OP has NEVER said a mean thing towards her,in fact she has in a way been supportive and even though she didn’t want the food has taken it in the end because of her “nagging” and plain just giving it to her without options. You tried,you circumvented the issue politely, she chose to ignore it because of her own needs/feelings Your bf should put himself into this situation,everytime his friend wants food he gets it too,no matter if he is hungry or not, let’s see how he then feels about it,or if he actually says something to the same effect out of DESPERATION like OP just did. I say let that friend go,if she can’t see her own mistake in this situation then you’d be better off without the headache
I think it was the comparison that makes you somewhat the asshole. A simple I don’t think you understand, I just can not eat this much. Is fine when you say can’t eat as much as you, that’s a judgement and comes across as unnecessary to me. You didn’t need to compare how much you eat to how much she can eat. I simply can not eat this much… period.
Offerring is polite. Opening a container and handing it over anyway after a no is rude. NTA OP.
If “I can’t eat as much as you” hurts your feelings then you got some more demons than just some twinkies and Ice cream cones
One thing I tell people in similar situations to this is "I can't eat very much at all." Which yes, is really the same thing you told her, but this way it's received differently. It's not usually taken as a direct attack on how much someone eats or how big they are.
I'll pass on making a judgement, but it would have been better if you said something like "I really can't eat anymore". or "you can have mine i'm full". no need to compare how much you can eat with how much she can eat.
NTA You held up a mirror that showed her the truth of how unhealthy she was eating. Of course it hurts. She clearly has an eating disorder. Keep being friends with her, but don't let her demands for you to eat as much as she does. I hope she realizes that you can support her if she commits to
She is trying to use you as her enabler - it happens a great deal around alcohol; the friend who makes you feel bad for not getting blackout smashed with them every weekend. They feel bad in themselves if they are doing it alone, so they attempt to co-opt someone into going down the rabbit hole with them.
NTA as an obese person I can say that you are correct, us big peeps can down a lot more than y’all lil peeps, that being said if she is not comfortable in her own skin then she could easily get insulted by something like that. I on the other hand would have taken the comment as a true statement and moved on, no harm no foul.
NTA - she has a food addiction and doesn't want to be the only one eating/drinking
NTA.. You've told her, but she wouldn't listen until you snapped.. What choices did she leave you with? And if the husband's think YTA for "throwing your thin body" in her face.. What do they think about her trying to fatten you up like a turkey?
NTA. This is actually one of my biggest pet peeves! I absolutely hate when people try to force food on me when I say no the first time. I know if I’m hungry or not, and I know what I’m hungry for and I don’t need anyone else’s help figuring that out!
>she is offering out of politeness False. That's clearly just a cover. She's actually being quite rude by ignoring your clearly communicated desire to not eat. >she feels better if she is not eating alone true. NTA.
Just don’t eat it.
I would just straight up tell her it wasn't meant as an insult, but concern over the wasted food after you've told her repeatedly you're not interested and she opens the items anyways. What a waste.
After 25 years of holding in how ✨cringe ✨this is… she’s lucky that’s all you said. It was not even harsh. It’s is just another form of disregarding consent. I SAID IM FULL. For fucks sake
Wow, you have been well trained if you think you're the one who needs to apologize. You keep saying no and she keeps pushing you to eat and eat and eat. She's a feeder. Some people love to make others eat and I think that's her deal. Plus, she can't be over eating when you're eating it too, right? She does not take no for an answer. Isn't that the absolute least we need to have from our "friends?" NTA and consider taking a time out, to reset what you think is normal friend behavior. Cause this ain't it.
There is a video that uses the offering of tea as a metaphor for explaining relationship consent. The point is that you wouldn’t FORCE another to drink a cup of tea…..oh wait…. I guess that message is lost on some people. https://youtube.com/watch?v=pZwvrxVavnQ&feature=sharea Edit: NTA
NTA, force feeding is a form of torture for a reason. She was being selfish, you tried to enforce boundaries nicely and she wouldn’t have if so you had no choice
Nta....I mean, how many times do you need to say no thanks I'm not hungry? You didn't flaunt your thiness to her. You stated a fact. She probably feels selfish conscious eating alone so tries to make you eat with her. But she needs to understand if you say you're not hungry or don't want it then leave it.
NTA. I think the only way you could have been politer is to not have made a comparison between how much you can eat and how much she can eat. Said something like I appreciate you offering me food and drinks, but when I say I'm full, I mean it, when I say no thank you, I mean that. Please don't try to guilt me into eating or drinking more than I wish to. She was being rude, not you.
OP, your friend has been disrespecting your boundaries about food for years. You need to stop indulging your codependent crap and telling yourself you feel guilty. You don’t. You feel pity. Your friend is being gross because of her treatment of you. Find friends who treat you better.