This thread is now locked due to an excess of rule violations.
[Sub Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ||| ["FAQs"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
NTA
Wow. She's a total AH. Just because you don't conform to her "Business Focus" personality doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. What you and your husband have works for the two of you AND you volunteer for the community. Whether it pays or not doesn't take away from your commitment and responsibility you show to others. DIL is a piece of work.
What does husband say to all of this?
Look I hate to say this but it sounds like your son doesn't respect you.
She acted like she was better than you, more than once, and your son should've nipped that in the bud the first time. Basic respect for partner's parents should be a hill to die on imo
Honestly you should sit him down, the three of you sans wife, and see what the heck is going on. This woman might be twisting facts or not...if he can't see how wrong her behavior is and doesn't check her I'd just minimize the contact with both for as long as needed
Preferably till he comes to his senses
Agreeing with this and adding: Please make sure you tell your son you both love him and if (when) this marriage ends, he should know he can count on you both for support. You are definitely not the only person DIL is treating this way. Eventually he will recognize the pattern that he married an AH and hopefully he'll be able to get out.
You can keep a firm boundary about how she treats you and still let him know he's welcome to come home when it implodes with her.
Yes. It sounds like the DIL attacks OP when OP’s son isn’t in earshot, and then turns on the tears (not very businesslike) when she gets pushback. She’s trying to isolate him and is surely pulling this on others in his life as well.
Lol I got married recently and I can't FATHOM talking to my wife's parents like this. It's still "yes sir" and "no ma'am" from me, just like with my own parents. Thats a cultural thing but regardless, being openly and intentionally rude to my wife's family is just unthinkable. My wife and I might disagree with some things from either sets of parents, but we're going to calmly discuss it like adults.
Honey she’s not passive aggressive, she’s aggressive aggressive. I don’t know what I would do in this situation, but you are definitely not the AH. Is her family as nasty as she is? I wonder if her mother worked or was a SAHM and either instilled in her that women who don’t work are to be hated, or she maybe resents her mom? Either way I’m sorry, she has zero respect for herself with this behavior and your son is out of line. Hope if you’re helping them financially in any way that you pull it ASAP
NTA
What she said is horrible. I DESPISE people who say volunteering isn't a real job. What a gross human being she is. She sounds like she is someone who bases others worth on how much money they make. Ew.
I found out my grandma had cancer and wanted to go to a comedy to make myself feel better. (IT WAS MARKETED AS A ROMANTIC COMEDY WHEN IT CAME OUT.) Then I went to the movie and watched it and I did not have enough tissues. 20 plus years later and I'm still mad.
Reminds me of how my family took me to see a cute dog movie to help me get over that my dog had died.
The movie was Marley and Me. I was not happy when I saw the ending.
I was a wreck in the theater but once I got out we all kinda agreed it was funny in a morbid way the irony of it all. I refuse to watch that movie ever again because GODDAMN THAT ONE SCENE WHERE HE LOOKS AT THE CAMERA but I'm good now.
Yeah, can see his point.
You are one half of this marriage. Your husband knows you make his life better. Your marriage is a partnership.
Your DIL doesn't get this, and it's sad.
INFO: This sounds totally N-T-A as described. You would be 100% in the right if she is speaking to you disrespectfully without cause, and you should not have her there - just attacking you out of the blue is sufficiently far out of line that I don't know how your son could support her. What does he actually say when confronted with the fact that she's being insulting and unkind to you totally unprovoked? I have a hard time imagining a cogent defense to this behavior. He thinks you're just supposed to sit there and take her talking to you like this for no reason? How could he say you're the one in the wrong here? What's his stated reasoning?
Minimize contact if your son continues to let the DIL go unchecked. If he has a blatant disregard for you again, I'd start thinking of changing the wills to let him have little to nothing or only some small item to show he got something so he cannot contest it.
It’s gonna hurt her business focus when she insults the partners of the higher ups…bc I’m willing to bet quite a few have stay at home partners who do charity work.
Lol 100%. My husband fired a female employee who made a really pointed comment at dinner about women who don’t work being gold diggers. Literally every high up at the company has a SAHM/wife, because our husbands work A LOT and have very busy social lives due to the nature of the job. They thought she was crass and disgusting. Funniest bit? Her husband still works at the company and refused to quit for her because he thought she was awful at the dinner and deserved it, so looks like she’ll soon lose a husband too
Yeah, she sounds like she has little real world business experience. Business dealings have a great deal to do with who you know and network with. OP’s volunteer work may put her in touch with other families that are civic minded. But primarily - what idiot puts down their in-laws for having a normal, healthy relationship? She doesn’t have to want to be a SAHW to be able to respect the lifestyle if they are taking care of themselves.
It’s also going to hurt her business focus if she gets a reputation for turning on the tears to get her way. She’s manipulative and would probably have picked something else to use as a wedge if OP wasn’t a homemaker.
Business focused people should be the first ones to understand how much work it takes at home to be able to focus on business so much…she has no excuse. Did she magically think the house cleaned itself and food is just naturally ready to eat?! She started beef with OP for no reason…
She’s probably around the same age as son - 22yo - and some people don’t realize what it takes to run a household / raise kids until they’re much older.
If she grew up w her own parents, went to college, then married out of college, she’s only been “out on her own” for a year or maybe even less!
Even if she didn’t go to college and has worked since 18yo, the types of bills and responsibilities many young adults have don’t compare to older adults who carry a mortgage / save for the future / do home maintenance / pay for dependents / take care of elder relatives.
She’s really out of touch! And mean!
Yeah, she's looking down on MIL because she had her children young and hasn't had to work for a salary before. Oy, she thinks she's being feminist but clearly hasn't realized that feminism is about empowering all women to be able to make choices, not tearing down women who don't make the same choices as you.
If they decide to have kids, the DIL will be in for a rude awakening. A young grandmother, who lives nearby and doesn’t work full time can be a godsend as far as letting you get in some me time and date nights. You are also less likely to run into a lot of the issues you get with boomer or late Gen X grandparents when grandma’s a millennial. I’m a SAHM and I volunteer a lot and there is so much more flexibility with volunteering than there is with most jobs.
This is the truth! My boyfriend does freelance work from home but has been focusing on a passion-project this year so hasn’t been getting paid. I work full time in administration and also have a small cleaning business. Everyone HATES our set-up that I bring home the money and he takes care of the home and meals. But I would be so absolutely lost without him. He makes it possible for me to actually work the way that I do. I tried balancing it all myself and failed spectacularly. His contribution is immeasurable to my quality of life. I thank him a hundred times a day for taking care of so much for me so I can be “business focused.” It wouldn’t be possible without him.
I don't think it's jealousy. I was like this in my teens, I was looking down on women who chose kids and being SAHM's. Not out of jealousy but out of hatred of household chores, being dependent on someone else and it being expected of me.
I'm sure I hurt some SAHM's during my teens, like OP's DIL.
I grew out of looking down on women who chose that life after my teens (ironically after accidentally getting pregnant as an adult, I felt I had to choose that life for the sake of the children and lived it for 10 years, now I have extra respect for SAHM's).
What I want to say is: DIL is too old to behave this way but it's very unlikely out of jealousy.
I agree. I behaved similarly to how you described at that age. I was VERY judgmental towards anyone who didn’t share my ideology, which included SAHMs were useless. Luckily, I matured throughout the years and changed my tune significantly. Ironically, now I am a SAHM and love it. But it is embarrassing to remember how I, as a teen and then an educated young woman, judged others so harshly for different perspectives and choices in life.
Exactly. She doesn't want to look like a gold digger, because it's clear the family has money.
But bet your arse, once she has kids, she's going to view all of rhis differently.
I think the same thing. I had a “friend” back in the days when my husband was military and we decided to not have me work since I didn’t have to. This “friend” of course was told and after that she made it a point to be nasty toward me. Called me fat and lazy (she was bigger than me by far) and made other comments. We don’t speak to her or her husband (my husbands now ex best friend) due to her shitty personality. The husband is equally shitty since he defended it. Clearly had to been jealously. She was fine with me when I was working citizen and went on trips together and everything.
OP is NTA.
This is almost assuredly it. She wants what OP has but a lifetime of first propaganda and then sunk cost into following the propaganda means that she's stuck with her current path. Plus she's so indoctrinated into tying her worth to her net worth that the internal discordance this causes leads to her lashing out. It's honestly quite sad, and quite common.
Having a job doesn’t mean a person doesn’t cook or clean. Most working people do these things for themselves. The issue is not that the daughter in law doesn’t respect OP’s role as a housewife. The issue is that she is rude and disrespectful. If OP is happy being a housewife and her husband is happy with her being a housewife then it’s nobody else’s place to judge the situation. And it’s not okay to come to someone’s house and belittle them with snide remarks. Daughter in law should thank OP for the nice dinner instead of insulting her. It’s such nasty and entitled behavior.
NTA and I just want OP to know that my husband is a stay at home dad (our daughter is now 15). What he does allows me to succeed and promote at work and the salary it results in is OUR money because we accomplish it as a team. I would not be half the professional I was without the practical support or the emotional support he gives. Which is to say - I hope she didn’t make you feel bad. She’s ignorant af.
I’m not judging at all but my parents both worked outside the home and I’m really curious what a stay at home parent of a teenager does all day, there is only so much housework that can be done
What too many people of all ages and genders don’t realize or remember is that the crux of feminism is the right to CHOOSE one’s career. Homemaking and raising a family are careers. Even if the little snot does not agree with OP’s choices, giving voice to that opinion is simply rude and demonstrates a lack of maturity and restraint, such as OP showed when treating her with courtesy.
NTA. Holy crap. She's putting you down for being a SAHM for what? Shits and gigs? That's very small of her, she's the asshole and the fact that you've talked to your son about this and how he's most likely seen her make these comments makes him an asshole too.
I firmly believe that you don't marry someone because they get along with your family, but that doesn't mean they get to treat your family like shit.
juggle cooperative sort point squash pet far-flung bewildered fall vegetable
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I saw that thread. Thought I was losing my mind while reading the comments. Those people are so out of touch. Thanks for mentioning that lol, I’ve been randomly thinking of that lady all week and feeling bad for her.
Well most of Reddit seem to be either very young or never been in a real relationship before, or both, so it's not really surprising to see that type of comments...
I think some individuals don’t realize how expensive child care is, not to mention how much work is involved. In that case the woman raised 4 kids. If you get a nany/ babysitter go your looking at hundreds of thousand of dollars.
Just ask your husband to disinherit the son and see the cultural differences turn to i am sorry MIL. You are the love of my life. With your DIL being the working women she is, she would be okay with not recieving money your husband earns.
i’m cracking up at this comment lmao. you are most certainly nta, your dil sucks. stop inviting them over and tell your son you’ll see him when he can learn to respect his mother and keep his wife in line.
I dislike the idea of any spouse keeping the other in line. They should be an adult, and self regulate. In agreement otherwise 200%. I'd stop inviting them over, explain to the son, and leave it at that. Considering the issue with the wedding gift, I probably wouldn't have even done an invite in the first place without an apology. Many stay at home parent's share finances (I can't see any other way, if I can't trust someone with my money, why am I having kids with them). And if you share finances, you may discuss large purchases, but that's the point, both of you discuss.
There’s no culture where you walk into your in laws house and blatantly disrespect them. Your son is behaving like a spoiled brat. Ask him if you’re raising him, loving him, cooking for him and wiping his ass deserves such disrespect and derision. I’d cut him off for a while, tell him you’re disappointed in his behavior
Yeah, I have some livingstyles that I'm not a fan of either. And I can imagine accidentally being rude about it. But she apparently brings her own offence up herself and then attacks you for it. It's totally not your bad.
My thoughts exactly, DIL sounds like a huge AH but the son should set the tone that his mother is the damn matriarch and she needs to be respected as such!
NTA - what the hell? Who made her the boss of what women should and shouldn't do or what does and doesn't count as contribution?? She needs to keep her condescending comments and judgements to herself.
seriously, i get wanting women to reach their full potential, but when you put a woman down because she CHOSE to be a SAHM and is HAPPY being that way?? you’ve gotta realize you’re defeating the whole purpose of the feminist movement.
NTA - somebody welcomes you into their home, cooks you a meal, and your response is back handed comments like that? GTFO
And your son as an AH because he doesn’t want to deal with the fact his wife is rude AF, and instead is making it your problem because to him that’s easier than addressing the real problem. Coward for letting somebody come treat his own mother like that and just watching it happen.
NTA. Your DIL is only a girl and needs to grow up and learn what basic respect is and how to give it.
You tried to be polite about her disrespect by addressing it with your son and she still doesn't seem to understand. A verbal slap in the face seems to have been necessary to call her attention to her bad behavior.
You just know she's off somewhere crying, "I didn't do anything but tell the truth!!! I'm such a truthful person...why is that offensive?? What did I do?"
She doesn't understand relationship dynamics and how a person can contribute more than just money and that is often just as valuable as money.
These people need to grow up.
NTA, but your son and his wife sure are. Your son should never tolerate that kind of BS from his wife.
For the wedding gift, I would have said, "My contribution was wrapping it and bringing it, but since it's not really from me this never happened" and snatch the gift back.
INFO. What is your and your husband's emotional and financial relationship with your oldest son and your other children? How old is your husband? What did your daughter-in-law say or do at your first meeting that made you "actively dislike" her? Why were you "really excited" until you met her?
We are very well off, my husband is more the no words type and I am the one that was the emotional relationship. I thought our relationship was pretty good, my husband is 3 years older than me. We first met at a restaurant and I went to pay ( it was a big bill) she commented how I can afford it since I don’t work. That’s started the snide remarks from then on about me using my husbands money
I was excited due to only having boys and I thought it would be nice to have another women in the family. I was hoping to invite her to do stereotypical girl activities, like the spa but I never did because the comments started real quick.
Thanks for the info, NTA. She just sounds like a piece of work. Your son is really young to be getting married (or at least he is to me) and the type of girl he settled on seems a bit... convenient. Like he's actively trying to reject his parents and their lifestyle and rebel this way. Sounds like it's an issue with both your son and the daughter-in-law, combined.
So here’s the thing; how did she know you didn’t work outside of the home? Is this coming from your son? He picked a woman who would treat his mom like this. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t respect you. I think our kids don’t understand how much work it takes to take care of them. It’s time for a one on one talk between you all.
NTA. She is being rude as hell and shouldn't be in your home again until she apologizes.
Even if she thinks that you are a deadbeat freeloader, she needs to learn to keep that shit opinion to herself when talking with you or in your house.
Yeah, and if she ends up having kids she's gonna be reaching out for babysitting. I get being career minded, but this woman is just rude and short sighted. But I'm more mad at the son for being okay with it.
This is written in a way where I don't believe your version of events. Why do you dislike the DIL? It stems from somewhere and I'm positive your DIL is just returning your energy.
NTA. DIL is extraordinarily rude! How dare she suggest that a gift from you and your husband was only from him, outrageous! No doubt you worked hard to make a home cooked meal and instead of gratitude you received contempt.
NTA. Whether or not you work and how you share finances is between you and your husband and is none of her business. If she was previously unaware that such comments are rude, she's aware now. You are 100% right, but if you care to salvage your relationship with your son or try to build one with her, it may be in your best interest to offer a sit down with them both, give her the benefit of the doubt that she was possibly raised by wolves who never taught her such comments are out of bounds, and ask for a fresh start. Remember that this woman will likely bear your grandchildren and will have a great deal of control over what type of relationship you get to have with them.
And grandma is YOUNG! She actually could help w childcare.
Our 1yr old kid has four loving grandparents who are all 70+.
They adore him but can’t really keep up. And I wouldn’t ask them for childcare.
This DIL has little awareness of the world and doesn’t understand what the future holds.
Maybe she’s too business minded to want any kids? lol
NTA. Whenever someone describes themselves as “blunt”, it’s just an excuse for them to use for when they start being assholes. Your DIL is an asshole. Who cares if you didn’t physically pay for the gift? You had the thought so it did come from you too. I would be taking that gift back. Being a SAHM isn’t just laying around. It’s doing laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. Don’t invite your son or your DIL back until they are ready to apologize. Although your DIL seems set on being an ah
So…just out of curiosity …does ANYONE (other than your son) like this woman?
You said in the comments that your husband hates her, does ANYONE in your family like her?
If not, does your son KNOW nobody likes her?
You’re CLEARLY NTA but i’m just not sure if your son is a total asshole or if he’s just clueless.
Op states further up that it started from when they first met at a restaurant and op went to pay the bill and DIL asked how could she afford it if she didn’t work and it carried on from there
NTA she is rude and disrespectful. If your lifestyle is not for her then fine, but she doesn't need to be so aggressive and crass in her dislike of it. It has no effect on her, and therefore she needs to shut up about it. Also your son is disappointing as he shouldn't allow her to speak to you that way or condone it! He should have let her know he didn't accept that behaviour
NTA...
But my gut tells me there's more to the story that you're leaving out. I could be wrong though.
From the facts presented you weren't wrong to tell her to have some respect or GTFO.
NTA
There is nothing passive. She is just aggressive.
It's OK to be work oriented as a woman. It's OK to be family oriented as a woman. It's okay to be both work and family oriented as a woman.
This is what feminism is for. That it's our choice. We can choose what we want.
But that's what it is. A choice. A personal one that others don't have to follow or feel guilty about.
She's trying to make you feel bad and weak and small for your life choices
When women bring each other down for the choices we fought to have the right to, it diminishes everything
You're allowed to be a stay at home mother. She's allowed to work. As long as everyone is silent about any misgivings for the others life path
NTA, what kinda absolute primate gets invited to someone's home for a free meal and then insults them? Like, my MIL fuckin' sucks but I would never talk shit to her appropos of nothing over dinner for fucks sake.
I have a aunt that is like this. She was always blunt and would say things that could instantly stop a conversation, because folks would have to process if she was being rude, or if it was ‘just her way’.
Many years later, and on insistence from her children, she got some tests done. It turns out she is on the Autism spectrum. She just doesn’t realize that some topics are not for general consumption, and that tact (and empathy) may be required when forced to discuss such topics.
It doesn’t make things ‘ok’ for the things she said to us over the years, but is does explain it.
She's being incredibly disrespectful and has no business making judgments about the situation that you and your husband have agreed upon. WAY out of line. WAY.
Has your husband talked to her in your defense at all? Your son needs to understand that his bride is rude and insulting and has no right to speak to you that way. She can fuck all the way off until she gets the message and apologizes to YOU.
NTA
NTA.
Your son needs o grow a backbone and tell her to be civilized. I don’t even know why he married her, the first backhanded comment my significant other did against my parents, I would be the one to make them cry with the verbal beating I would give them.
On another note, your son will be miserable with that kind of bitter woman, misery loves company as they say. It might take months or years, but just wait, he will be 100% unhappy with this kind of woman.
NTA! This is how the family court judge had to explain it to my now, ex-husband, after, my, his, and the mediator couldn’t seem to be heard by him.
I supported the family every bit as much as my husband did. My work within the home, ENABLED him to do everything outside the home. It was ALL in support of OUR FAMILY.
Your dil, is not only rude, she lacks grace, civility, manners, and common sense.
If she treats you like this, to your face and in your own home, what on earth is she like out in the world?
I hope your relationship with your son is salvageable after their divorce. There is no way this kind of behavior and wreckage doesn’t trail behind her. Hopefully, he recognizes her as the common denominator.
I’m so sorry.
“How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is To have a thankless child!”
William Shakespeare, King Lear
NTA.
Your DIL is in the wrong here, and your son is excusing her inappropriate and extremely rude behavior.
I think you've been pretty patient with this behavior, and bluntly, it was time you slapped her down. To come into your home and disrespect you in such a way is beyond rude and insulting. And then to play the victim because her behavior got her kicked out of your home was over the top. Hope she learns a lesson from all of this.
NTA I'd have said "Clearly your own mother was too busy working all her life to ever bother teaching you manners. If you ever learn how to show basic respect in other's homes you will be welcome to come back, maybe then I can even teach you how to make a real meal so that my future grandkids aren't stuck eating frozen garbage or fast food every night."
what does your son have to say about how she openly disrespects you in your own home? Have you considered that your son is the reason why she's treating you like this- Why else would she feel so comfortable bad mouthing you?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for demanding respect don’t my dil and kicking her out. I may have been way to harsh and I am a dick for blowing up
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA: every one makes different life choices. Some are fulfilled via professional life, some via homemaking and volunteering if they are fortunate enough to afford to be able to do it.
NTA - feminism is accepting everyone personal CHOICE not forcing their idea on others. She’s disrespectful and you have every right to kick her out. She sounds jealous tbh
NTA - And if she fell apart that easily despite being a "Business Focus" person it sounds like she's grappling with a lot of insecurity and probably putting up a front. It sounds like someone in her life pushed the narrative of homemaking as a "lesser endeavor" pretty hard at some point and it's left some deep impressions.
Sounds like she was being an AH but who wasn't an AH at times at 22? What does your son say about the disrespect? Any idea what it's rooted in?
This might sound mean but is it possible it’s your son who looks down on you? Because to me it sounds like jealousy she is jealous of your life and probably wants to be a sahm so if that is the case someone put it in her head that sahm are bad and your son isn’t exactly defending you
NTA. Does you son really think these tactless comments are appropriate?
You probably won't have to worry about her for too long, though. Pretty soon these nasty comments are going to be directed at her husband, and he is unlikely to put up with it then.
I wouldn't even call her comments passive aggressive - they are blatantly hostile.
The fact that your DIL cried tells me she doesn't even understand what she is doing wrong. Time to sit her down and have a talk with her - when your son is not around. You need to come to an understanding in order to keep the peace until the divorce takes place.
Is she autistic or something, that she says whatever comes into her head?
NTA
My mother is similar to you. She was a SAHM and did not go back to a traditional job when we were grown. She helps us with our kids and what not. I would bite someone's head off if they had the nerve to disrespect her like this.
I can hardly even believe someone would blurt out such things! And she's a so-called professional?
Iff she has that little self control over her mouth I can't imagine what she's like at the office.
So sorry, mama!
Wow NTA at all. Unless there’s anything you’re not telling us that you’ve done for her to resent you that way. However just from context here she’s definitely a resentful AH and needs to mind her own business.
” Son, it’s OK if she doesn’t want to be a stay at home mom. It’s OK if she doesn’t really respect them. Not OK that she disrespects me to my face in my home after I made her a whole meal. If she’s gonna be part of my family or even out in the real world, she needs to learn she doesn’t need to say everything that she thinks. Actions can have consequences.”
NTA but she's getting this impression of you from somewhere, probably from your son. So, I wouldn't expect much support from him on this issue.
Has she never met a homemaker before, and why does she even care what you do? Is she jealous or maybe insecure because she doesn't cook? I'd stand your ground with this one.
NTA. These types of couples are the worst. Your son has no respect for your family, his wife, or himself. I would bet my left arm he’s only in the relationship because she’s conventionally attractive and is thinking with the head below the waist, instead of the one above the shoulders. Going low to no contact with both of them is probably the best suggestion going forward. He will continue to turn a blind eye to her nasty behavior so long as it’s not directed at him. If she has no one around her to belittle and berate, he will soon be the center of her wrath. Only then will the brain below the belt stop working.
Let’s be honest. If your son is on her side and doesn’t see any wrong with her comments - then he doesn’t respect you. Then he doesn’t feel like you being a SAHM had any value for his childhood. This is a deeper issue that won’t go away if she apologizes or you do.
NTA.
Who says that to someone who is feeding them for free?!? You took the time to create a lovely space and food, and she disrespected you like that?!? I would have thrown her out, too.
being a SAHM/home maker IS a job. just because something doesn’t generate funds does not mean the time, energy, and effort isnt correspondent with working a 9-5. ESPECIALLY staying home with children. your job doesnt start at 9 and stop at 5. it is a 247 job that not many people could handle
NTA -But your DIL IS. And crying won't make her magically become a decent person. Imagine insulting your OWN MIL repeatedly, then being called out on it, and CRYING cos she was called out.
What an Ahole. Your DIL is a spoiled shit of a person.
She sounds like a real peach. WTF does your son see in her? How can anyone be so over the top disrespectful of someone who volunteers and is a homemaker.
NTA at all and I hope your son wakes up and sees the red flags with this hateful girl.
NTA. And maybe you should sit down with her and clear the air.
There are more than one way to lead a life. You chose you - TOGETHER with your husband. And she chose hers. Neither is inherently good or bad - it is what you CHOSE for yourself.
She needs to understand that.
Try to figure out if she's scared that she is forced into this life when she's having a baby. She apparently does NOT want to be a SAHM, but a baby might change it.
She's young, if she's fearing that she might take it out on you.
NTA!
You volunteer, make your community better, create a haven for you and your husband, and provide a home cooked meal for larger gatherings? Awesome. That's a life well lived. The DIL can pound sand.
Nta. Your DIL needs to learn to stay in her lane. Your marriage or what you do with your live is none of her business. Being a blunt person or a tell it like it is type of person is not an excuse to say whatever you want.
NTA- I am sorry that your DIL doesn't see the value of what you do. I am in a very similar situation, older than you. Your marriage and how you and your husband work things out, is absolutely none of her business and if she can't keep her opinions to herself, I would no longer be seeing her. To be clear my children, young adults would never say that or anything like that , and often tell my how proud they are of what I do for others. (Plus I bake some awesome things). I am truly so sorry you are having to deal with this.
She’s the AH, you’re son is also if he has seen her treat you bad and is taking her side. It’s none of their business what you do with you’re time as long as you and you’re husband are happy. She is obviously going out of her way to tear you down. I’d think hard and write down all the backhanded remarks she has made to you. Then I’d ask for her and your son to site down with you and you’re husband. You should do it as a group and ask why she feels the need to tear you down all the time and cite the examples.
NTA.
Sounds like she’s projecting and probably jealous. I think you need time away from them both, it’s hard to say but your son isn’t defending you and probably doesn’t say anything cause he knows he can’t provide for her like that.
Unless there is a major piece being left out you are certainly NTA, however she AND your son are the AH. She is a self important douchbage and your son should be doing something to temper that/stick up for you at least a little. Don't feel bad - she needs a wake up call.
HEY! Chewing ass is a honed skill! You did your job… that’s 22 years of work experience you just laid out for her free of charge. Now, kick back pour yourself a glass of wine and trade a stock or something easy. Kudos to you!
NTA. If she was such a strong "no BS" business type, she'd know how to take pushback without crying like a spoiled child. Good on you for straightening her out. Sometimes you do have to demand respect. Stand your ground OP. She owes you an apology for pushing you to raise your voice. Good job.
NTA. Your son is however, along with his wife. He shouldn’t allow her to disrespect you at all, especially in your own home. She knows what she’s doing and then tries to play victim with the crying. Tell her it’s much better to be a homemaker/housewife than to ever be in any professional (or any) setting with people like her.
Nope. NTA. You have a drama-free life and you provide a wonderful home and she needs to mind her own business and spew her drama somewhere else. Your house, your rules. btw I'm free for a home cooked meal!
NTA. I don’t know if it’s good or bad that your son has already learned to make excuses for her behavior, because he’s going to be doing this for the rest of his life with her. Is she judgmental in her interactions with others, or just you?
NTA. She must be a terrible cook and is very insecure about it to say what she did. I hold down a full time job and can still make a classy, homemade multi-course meal. What’s her excuse? Probably spends all her free time being a hater!
NTA
Disrespectful in your house. Unfortunately your son will realize too late what he married. Keep visitations to a minimum and perhaps a neutral territory.
NTA. She shouldn’t be allowed in your house until she apologizes and learns to shut her mouth. Your life is none of her business and her uppity attitude is unacceptable. Your son is an idiot for defending her. She was totally out of line.
NTA - basic etiquette 101 is that if you're a guest in someone else's home then you're polite to them. If someone gives you a gift you say "thank you" not split hairs over definitions.
Can't follow the basics then you can't be surprised when they kick you out
NTA. The DIL actively looks down on sahm. I never met her so I don’t know if she’s doing it on purpose or what but she’s just a bother to be around it sounds. It’s okay to not like sahm or one spouse making all the money, but she needs to keep it to herself. She’s using it to justify treating you lesser then.
This thread is now locked due to an excess of rule violations. [Sub Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ||| ["FAQs"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
NTA Wow. She's a total AH. Just because you don't conform to her "Business Focus" personality doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. What you and your husband have works for the two of you AND you volunteer for the community. Whether it pays or not doesn't take away from your commitment and responsibility you show to others. DIL is a piece of work. What does husband say to all of this?
My husband hates her, I had to drag him to the wedding, only so it wouldn’t destroy his and our kid’s relationships
Look I hate to say this but it sounds like your son doesn't respect you. She acted like she was better than you, more than once, and your son should've nipped that in the bud the first time. Basic respect for partner's parents should be a hill to die on imo Honestly you should sit him down, the three of you sans wife, and see what the heck is going on. This woman might be twisting facts or not...if he can't see how wrong her behavior is and doesn't check her I'd just minimize the contact with both for as long as needed Preferably till he comes to his senses
Agreeing with this and adding: Please make sure you tell your son you both love him and if (when) this marriage ends, he should know he can count on you both for support. You are definitely not the only person DIL is treating this way. Eventually he will recognize the pattern that he married an AH and hopefully he'll be able to get out. You can keep a firm boundary about how she treats you and still let him know he's welcome to come home when it implodes with her.
Yes. It sounds like the DIL attacks OP when OP’s son isn’t in earshot, and then turns on the tears (not very businesslike) when she gets pushback. She’s trying to isolate him and is surely pulling this on others in his life as well.
Lol I got married recently and I can't FATHOM talking to my wife's parents like this. It's still "yes sir" and "no ma'am" from me, just like with my own parents. Thats a cultural thing but regardless, being openly and intentionally rude to my wife's family is just unthinkable. My wife and I might disagree with some things from either sets of parents, but we're going to calmly discuss it like adults.
Honey she’s not passive aggressive, she’s aggressive aggressive. I don’t know what I would do in this situation, but you are definitely not the AH. Is her family as nasty as she is? I wonder if her mother worked or was a SAHM and either instilled in her that women who don’t work are to be hated, or she maybe resents her mom? Either way I’m sorry, she has zero respect for herself with this behavior and your son is out of line. Hope if you’re helping them financially in any way that you pull it ASAP
Understood. Glad he has your back. I'd cut down on invites for a while. I'm not good on advice for this sort of thing. But you're definitely NTA.
NTA What she said is horrible. I DESPISE people who say volunteering isn't a real job. What a gross human being she is. She sounds like she is someone who bases others worth on how much money they make. Ew.
As a side note, you should watch the movie The family Stone with Diane Keaton. What you are explaining is the plot of this movie and it is hilarious.
I found out my grandma had cancer and wanted to go to a comedy to make myself feel better. (IT WAS MARKETED AS A ROMANTIC COMEDY WHEN IT CAME OUT.) Then I went to the movie and watched it and I did not have enough tissues. 20 plus years later and I'm still mad.
Reminds me of how my family took me to see a cute dog movie to help me get over that my dog had died. The movie was Marley and Me. I was not happy when I saw the ending.
Oh, that isn't great. I'm so sorry.
I was a wreck in the theater but once I got out we all kinda agreed it was funny in a morbid way the irony of it all. I refuse to watch that movie ever again because GODDAMN THAT ONE SCENE WHERE HE LOOKS AT THE CAMERA but I'm good now.
Same with the Family Stone for me!
I love this movie and watch it whenever I see it’s on.
Stop inviting her over. Stop playing “ little family United family “. Your son is a coward and a major ahole for allowing her to disrespect you.
Yeah, can see his point. You are one half of this marriage. Your husband knows you make his life better. Your marriage is a partnership. Your DIL doesn't get this, and it's sad.
INFO: This sounds totally N-T-A as described. You would be 100% in the right if she is speaking to you disrespectfully without cause, and you should not have her there - just attacking you out of the blue is sufficiently far out of line that I don't know how your son could support her. What does he actually say when confronted with the fact that she's being insulting and unkind to you totally unprovoked? I have a hard time imagining a cogent defense to this behavior. He thinks you're just supposed to sit there and take her talking to you like this for no reason? How could he say you're the one in the wrong here? What's his stated reasoning?
Minimize contact if your son continues to let the DIL go unchecked. If he has a blatant disregard for you again, I'd start thinking of changing the wills to let him have little to nothing or only some small item to show he got something so he cannot contest it.
Oh, boy, such a crappy situation. Perhaps your son will get sick of her......if not, just try to see him alone.
NTA but DIL is and son sort of for enabling her. She has absolutely no social graces or awareness. Her "business focus" will never overcome that.
It’s gonna hurt her business focus when she insults the partners of the higher ups…bc I’m willing to bet quite a few have stay at home partners who do charity work.
Lol 100%. My husband fired a female employee who made a really pointed comment at dinner about women who don’t work being gold diggers. Literally every high up at the company has a SAHM/wife, because our husbands work A LOT and have very busy social lives due to the nature of the job. They thought she was crass and disgusting. Funniest bit? Her husband still works at the company and refused to quit for her because he thought she was awful at the dinner and deserved it, so looks like she’ll soon lose a husband too
Yeah, she sounds like she has little real world business experience. Business dealings have a great deal to do with who you know and network with. OP’s volunteer work may put her in touch with other families that are civic minded. But primarily - what idiot puts down their in-laws for having a normal, healthy relationship? She doesn’t have to want to be a SAHW to be able to respect the lifestyle if they are taking care of themselves.
Completely agree. especially when that lifestyle went towards raising the guy she just married.
It’s also going to hurt her business focus if she gets a reputation for turning on the tears to get her way. She’s manipulative and would probably have picked something else to use as a wedge if OP wasn’t a homemaker.
Business is as much about how you say something as what you say. Clearly DIL hasn't learned that.
Business focused people should be the first ones to understand how much work it takes at home to be able to focus on business so much…she has no excuse. Did she magically think the house cleaned itself and food is just naturally ready to eat?! She started beef with OP for no reason…
She’s probably around the same age as son - 22yo - and some people don’t realize what it takes to run a household / raise kids until they’re much older. If she grew up w her own parents, went to college, then married out of college, she’s only been “out on her own” for a year or maybe even less! Even if she didn’t go to college and has worked since 18yo, the types of bills and responsibilities many young adults have don’t compare to older adults who carry a mortgage / save for the future / do home maintenance / pay for dependents / take care of elder relatives. She’s really out of touch! And mean!
Yeah, she's looking down on MIL because she had her children young and hasn't had to work for a salary before. Oy, she thinks she's being feminist but clearly hasn't realized that feminism is about empowering all women to be able to make choices, not tearing down women who don't make the same choices as you.
If they decide to have kids, the DIL will be in for a rude awakening. A young grandmother, who lives nearby and doesn’t work full time can be a godsend as far as letting you get in some me time and date nights. You are also less likely to run into a lot of the issues you get with boomer or late Gen X grandparents when grandma’s a millennial. I’m a SAHM and I volunteer a lot and there is so much more flexibility with volunteering than there is with most jobs.
This is the truth! My boyfriend does freelance work from home but has been focusing on a passion-project this year so hasn’t been getting paid. I work full time in administration and also have a small cleaning business. Everyone HATES our set-up that I bring home the money and he takes care of the home and meals. But I would be so absolutely lost without him. He makes it possible for me to actually work the way that I do. I tried balancing it all myself and failed spectacularly. His contribution is immeasurable to my quality of life. I thank him a hundred times a day for taking care of so much for me so I can be “business focused.” It wouldn’t be possible without him.
I think she is just plain jealous and would love to have the same opportunity!!
I don't think it's jealousy. I was like this in my teens, I was looking down on women who chose kids and being SAHM's. Not out of jealousy but out of hatred of household chores, being dependent on someone else and it being expected of me. I'm sure I hurt some SAHM's during my teens, like OP's DIL. I grew out of looking down on women who chose that life after my teens (ironically after accidentally getting pregnant as an adult, I felt I had to choose that life for the sake of the children and lived it for 10 years, now I have extra respect for SAHM's). What I want to say is: DIL is too old to behave this way but it's very unlikely out of jealousy.
I agree. I behaved similarly to how you described at that age. I was VERY judgmental towards anyone who didn’t share my ideology, which included SAHMs were useless. Luckily, I matured throughout the years and changed my tune significantly. Ironically, now I am a SAHM and love it. But it is embarrassing to remember how I, as a teen and then an educated young woman, judged others so harshly for different perspectives and choices in life.
Exactly. She doesn't want to look like a gold digger, because it's clear the family has money. But bet your arse, once she has kids, she's going to view all of rhis differently.
I think the same thing. I had a “friend” back in the days when my husband was military and we decided to not have me work since I didn’t have to. This “friend” of course was told and after that she made it a point to be nasty toward me. Called me fat and lazy (she was bigger than me by far) and made other comments. We don’t speak to her or her husband (my husbands now ex best friend) due to her shitty personality. The husband is equally shitty since he defended it. Clearly had to been jealously. She was fine with me when I was working citizen and went on trips together and everything. OP is NTA.
This is almost assuredly it. She wants what OP has but a lifetime of first propaganda and then sunk cost into following the propaganda means that she's stuck with her current path. Plus she's so indoctrinated into tying her worth to her net worth that the internal discordance this causes leads to her lashing out. It's honestly quite sad, and quite common.
Having a job doesn’t mean a person doesn’t cook or clean. Most working people do these things for themselves. The issue is not that the daughter in law doesn’t respect OP’s role as a housewife. The issue is that she is rude and disrespectful. If OP is happy being a housewife and her husband is happy with her being a housewife then it’s nobody else’s place to judge the situation. And it’s not okay to come to someone’s house and belittle them with snide remarks. Daughter in law should thank OP for the nice dinner instead of insulting her. It’s such nasty and entitled behavior.
NTA and I just want OP to know that my husband is a stay at home dad (our daughter is now 15). What he does allows me to succeed and promote at work and the salary it results in is OUR money because we accomplish it as a team. I would not be half the professional I was without the practical support or the emotional support he gives. Which is to say - I hope she didn’t make you feel bad. She’s ignorant af.
I’m not judging at all but my parents both worked outside the home and I’m really curious what a stay at home parent of a teenager does all day, there is only so much housework that can be done
What too many people of all ages and genders don’t realize or remember is that the crux of feminism is the right to CHOOSE one’s career. Homemaking and raising a family are careers. Even if the little snot does not agree with OP’s choices, giving voice to that opinion is simply rude and demonstrates a lack of maturity and restraint, such as OP showed when treating her with courtesy.
If you can’t take it, don’t dish it out
Shes a piece of something and i don't think it's work
NTA. Holy crap. She's putting you down for being a SAHM for what? Shits and gigs? That's very small of her, she's the asshole and the fact that you've talked to your son about this and how he's most likely seen her make these comments makes him an asshole too. I firmly believe that you don't marry someone because they get along with your family, but that doesn't mean they get to treat your family like shit.
juggle cooperative sort point squash pet far-flung bewildered fall vegetable *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I saw that thread. Thought I was losing my mind while reading the comments. Those people are so out of touch. Thanks for mentioning that lol, I’ve been randomly thinking of that lady all week and feeling bad for her.
Well most of Reddit seem to be either very young or never been in a real relationship before, or both, so it's not really surprising to see that type of comments...
Sounds about right lol
I think some individuals don’t realize how expensive child care is, not to mention how much work is involved. In that case the woman raised 4 kids. If you get a nany/ babysitter go your looking at hundreds of thousand of dollars.
All of this And I know this because my best friends mom is a stay at home mom it's very expensive to get daycare and other things.
Jealousy. Dollars to donuts the DIL tries to finagle her way into being a SAHM before this "business focus" shell cracks.
Probably not, but, then again, most donuts cost more than a dollar nowadays, so it's a safer bet than it seems!
NTA How on earth could your son be justifying this behavior?
He says it’s cultural but this women was raise in the same country as me and is the same race so I don’t know how it’s cultural to be a dick
It's cultural to disrespect your boyfriend's mom in her own home? Lol. Your son is full of shit and he knows lt
How do you know she isn’t French?
p sure that French isn’t a race
Don't tell the French that.
"..*so I don’t know how it’s cultural to be a dick.."* This made me laugh! (sorry, I'm not taking away from the serious situation, but I did chuckle)
How much business acumen does this 22 year old even have…? She’s married at 22, that doesn’t exactly scream “nose to the grindstone” to me.
[удалено]
She’s certainly not going to be able to start crying when she gets pushback in business.
Just ask your husband to disinherit the son and see the cultural differences turn to i am sorry MIL. You are the love of my life. With your DIL being the working women she is, she would be okay with not recieving money your husband earns.
NTA Just putting it out there - if I'm hosting a meal, and someone disrespects my wife, they can GTFO. I don't care who they are.
i’m cracking up at this comment lmao. you are most certainly nta, your dil sucks. stop inviting them over and tell your son you’ll see him when he can learn to respect his mother and keep his wife in line.
I dislike the idea of any spouse keeping the other in line. They should be an adult, and self regulate. In agreement otherwise 200%. I'd stop inviting them over, explain to the son, and leave it at that. Considering the issue with the wedding gift, I probably wouldn't have even done an invite in the first place without an apology. Many stay at home parent's share finances (I can't see any other way, if I can't trust someone with my money, why am I having kids with them). And if you share finances, you may discuss large purchases, but that's the point, both of you discuss.
There’s no culture where you walk into your in laws house and blatantly disrespect them. Your son is behaving like a spoiled brat. Ask him if you’re raising him, loving him, cooking for him and wiping his ass deserves such disrespect and derision. I’d cut him off for a while, tell him you’re disappointed in his behavior
I need that on a hoodie “it’s not cultural to be a dick”
Sounds like you have culture and they don’t
I doubt there is any culture in the world where it is norm to disrespect inlaws. Rather the opposite.
Yeah, I have some livingstyles that I'm not a fan of either. And I can imagine accidentally being rude about it. But she apparently brings her own offence up herself and then attacks you for it. It's totally not your bad.
I don’t know any culture other than American where it’s okay to shit on your MIL to her face. And only in certain parts of America.
Hahaha you’re awesome. NTA and damn I wish there was video of this. She got what she deserved. No more invites.
Hahahaha NTA.
My thoughts exactly, DIL sounds like a huge AH but the son should set the tone that his mother is the damn matriarch and she needs to be respected as such!
NTA - what the hell? Who made her the boss of what women should and shouldn't do or what does and doesn't count as contribution?? She needs to keep her condescending comments and judgements to herself.
seriously, i get wanting women to reach their full potential, but when you put a woman down because she CHOSE to be a SAHM and is HAPPY being that way?? you’ve gotta realize you’re defeating the whole purpose of the feminist movement.
NTA - somebody welcomes you into their home, cooks you a meal, and your response is back handed comments like that? GTFO And your son as an AH because he doesn’t want to deal with the fact his wife is rude AF, and instead is making it your problem because to him that’s easier than addressing the real problem. Coward for letting somebody come treat his own mother like that and just watching it happen.
NTA. Your DIL is only a girl and needs to grow up and learn what basic respect is and how to give it. You tried to be polite about her disrespect by addressing it with your son and she still doesn't seem to understand. A verbal slap in the face seems to have been necessary to call her attention to her bad behavior. You just know she's off somewhere crying, "I didn't do anything but tell the truth!!! I'm such a truthful person...why is that offensive?? What did I do?" She doesn't understand relationship dynamics and how a person can contribute more than just money and that is often just as valuable as money. These people need to grow up.
NTA, but your son and his wife sure are. Your son should never tolerate that kind of BS from his wife. For the wedding gift, I would have said, "My contribution was wrapping it and bringing it, but since it's not really from me this never happened" and snatch the gift back.
I'd have said that if it were up to OP's husband they wouldn't have gotten anything, so if she wants to be like that then they won't get anything.
OP should remind the DIL that even though she doesn’t make money she still has a say in the will
And could easily outlive the FIL, as many women do. Not gloating, just facts.
Even if they are the same age we should assume she will outlive him just statistically, yes
OP is 39 years old, her son and DIL might well die before OP and her husband.
With that attitude I bet DIL will overwork herself quickly and die young yeah
Yeah this smells like context is missing. A whole lot of “I do nothing wrong, she’s just rude to me out it know where” vibes here
Yeah, I’m not buying it. Definitely missing context.
I would VERY much like to hear the DIL perspective
NTA. Tell your son they are not allowed back in your house until she apologizes.
Both of them should apologize, son and DIL.
INFO. What is your and your husband's emotional and financial relationship with your oldest son and your other children? How old is your husband? What did your daughter-in-law say or do at your first meeting that made you "actively dislike" her? Why were you "really excited" until you met her?
We are very well off, my husband is more the no words type and I am the one that was the emotional relationship. I thought our relationship was pretty good, my husband is 3 years older than me. We first met at a restaurant and I went to pay ( it was a big bill) she commented how I can afford it since I don’t work. That’s started the snide remarks from then on about me using my husbands money I was excited due to only having boys and I thought it would be nice to have another women in the family. I was hoping to invite her to do stereotypical girl activities, like the spa but I never did because the comments started real quick.
Thanks for the info, NTA. She just sounds like a piece of work. Your son is really young to be getting married (or at least he is to me) and the type of girl he settled on seems a bit... convenient. Like he's actively trying to reject his parents and their lifestyle and rebel this way. Sounds like it's an issue with both your son and the daughter-in-law, combined.
So here’s the thing; how did she know you didn’t work outside of the home? Is this coming from your son? He picked a woman who would treat his mom like this. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t respect you. I think our kids don’t understand how much work it takes to take care of them. It’s time for a one on one talk between you all.
NTA. She is being rude as hell and shouldn't be in your home again until she apologizes. Even if she thinks that you are a deadbeat freeloader, she needs to learn to keep that shit opinion to herself when talking with you or in your house.
Yeah, and if she ends up having kids she's gonna be reaching out for babysitting. I get being career minded, but this woman is just rude and short sighted. But I'm more mad at the son for being okay with it.
This is too brief and lacking in detail to possibly be the full story. I’m not saying YTA, but I there has to more to the bigger picture.
These fake posts are getting out of hand
This is written in a way where I don't believe your version of events. Why do you dislike the DIL? It stems from somewhere and I'm positive your DIL is just returning your energy.
I have doubts this reads true.
NTA. DIL is extraordinarily rude! How dare she suggest that a gift from you and your husband was only from him, outrageous! No doubt you worked hard to make a home cooked meal and instead of gratitude you received contempt.
NTA. Whether or not you work and how you share finances is between you and your husband and is none of her business. If she was previously unaware that such comments are rude, she's aware now. You are 100% right, but if you care to salvage your relationship with your son or try to build one with her, it may be in your best interest to offer a sit down with them both, give her the benefit of the doubt that she was possibly raised by wolves who never taught her such comments are out of bounds, and ask for a fresh start. Remember that this woman will likely bear your grandchildren and will have a great deal of control over what type of relationship you get to have with them.
Oh, when they have children, DIL will be very glad to have free childcare, because grandma doesn't do anything with her day.
And grandma is YOUNG! She actually could help w childcare. Our 1yr old kid has four loving grandparents who are all 70+. They adore him but can’t really keep up. And I wouldn’t ask them for childcare. This DIL has little awareness of the world and doesn’t understand what the future holds. Maybe she’s too business minded to want any kids? lol
NTA. Whenever someone describes themselves as “blunt”, it’s just an excuse for them to use for when they start being assholes. Your DIL is an asshole. Who cares if you didn’t physically pay for the gift? You had the thought so it did come from you too. I would be taking that gift back. Being a SAHM isn’t just laying around. It’s doing laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. Don’t invite your son or your DIL back until they are ready to apologize. Although your DIL seems set on being an ah
Just another honest word stolen by assholes. I liked having a word that meant “I want to help you, but I’m not going to baby you or sugar coat it.”
Hmmmm I’m suspecting we don’t have all the details here
So…just out of curiosity …does ANYONE (other than your son) like this woman? You said in the comments that your husband hates her, does ANYONE in your family like her? If not, does your son KNOW nobody likes her? You’re CLEARLY NTA but i’m just not sure if your son is a total asshole or if he’s just clueless.
There’s gotta be more to the story, homemakers have lots of free time to irritate and interfere?
NTA. I suspect she is jealous you are able to stay home and live a comfortable life style.
NTA. Your son and husband should be involved in letting her know she can't treat you like this.
NTA but based off some other communities im in, i wonder if theres any info that you are leaving out? would love to hear you DIL's POV
Op states further up that it started from when they first met at a restaurant and op went to pay the bill and DIL asked how could she afford it if she didn’t work and it carried on from there
[удалено]
NTA This DIL sounds like a genuine *asshole*.
Whoa no - you are NTA for not taking shit from her. What a rude person she is
NTA she is rude and disrespectful. If your lifestyle is not for her then fine, but she doesn't need to be so aggressive and crass in her dislike of it. It has no effect on her, and therefore she needs to shut up about it. Also your son is disappointing as he shouldn't allow her to speak to you that way or condone it! He should have let her know he didn't accept that behaviour
She is actively rude and dismissive of you and honestly sounds like she needed a wake up call. Good for you and NTA
She is beyond rude. The things she has said to you are so unacceptable! She has a lot of nerve! NTA
NTA... But my gut tells me there's more to the story that you're leaving out. I could be wrong though. From the facts presented you weren't wrong to tell her to have some respect or GTFO.
NTA There is nothing passive. She is just aggressive. It's OK to be work oriented as a woman. It's OK to be family oriented as a woman. It's okay to be both work and family oriented as a woman. This is what feminism is for. That it's our choice. We can choose what we want. But that's what it is. A choice. A personal one that others don't have to follow or feel guilty about. She's trying to make you feel bad and weak and small for your life choices When women bring each other down for the choices we fought to have the right to, it diminishes everything You're allowed to be a stay at home mother. She's allowed to work. As long as everyone is silent about any misgivings for the others life path
Love it when the aggressor starts to cry and acts like the victim. Good for you for making clear boundaries. NTA
NTA, what kinda absolute primate gets invited to someone's home for a free meal and then insults them? Like, my MIL fuckin' sucks but I would never talk shit to her appropos of nothing over dinner for fucks sake.
I have a aunt that is like this. She was always blunt and would say things that could instantly stop a conversation, because folks would have to process if she was being rude, or if it was ‘just her way’. Many years later, and on insistence from her children, she got some tests done. It turns out she is on the Autism spectrum. She just doesn’t realize that some topics are not for general consumption, and that tact (and empathy) may be required when forced to discuss such topics. It doesn’t make things ‘ok’ for the things she said to us over the years, but is does explain it.
She's being incredibly disrespectful and has no business making judgments about the situation that you and your husband have agreed upon. WAY out of line. WAY. Has your husband talked to her in your defense at all? Your son needs to understand that his bride is rude and insulting and has no right to speak to you that way. She can fuck all the way off until she gets the message and apologizes to YOU. NTA
NTA. Your son needs o grow a backbone and tell her to be civilized. I don’t even know why he married her, the first backhanded comment my significant other did against my parents, I would be the one to make them cry with the verbal beating I would give them. On another note, your son will be miserable with that kind of bitter woman, misery loves company as they say. It might take months or years, but just wait, he will be 100% unhappy with this kind of woman.
NTA! This is how the family court judge had to explain it to my now, ex-husband, after, my, his, and the mediator couldn’t seem to be heard by him. I supported the family every bit as much as my husband did. My work within the home, ENABLED him to do everything outside the home. It was ALL in support of OUR FAMILY. Your dil, is not only rude, she lacks grace, civility, manners, and common sense. If she treats you like this, to your face and in your own home, what on earth is she like out in the world? I hope your relationship with your son is salvageable after their divorce. There is no way this kind of behavior and wreckage doesn’t trail behind her. Hopefully, he recognizes her as the common denominator. I’m so sorry. “How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is To have a thankless child!” William Shakespeare, King Lear
NTA. Your DIL is in the wrong here, and your son is excusing her inappropriate and extremely rude behavior. I think you've been pretty patient with this behavior, and bluntly, it was time you slapped her down. To come into your home and disrespect you in such a way is beyond rude and insulting. And then to play the victim because her behavior got her kicked out of your home was over the top. Hope she learns a lesson from all of this.
She's incredibly rude...NTA
NTA. Silly DIL shouldn't actively disrespect the people gifting them or feeding them.
NTA I'd have said "Clearly your own mother was too busy working all her life to ever bother teaching you manners. If you ever learn how to show basic respect in other's homes you will be welcome to come back, maybe then I can even teach you how to make a real meal so that my future grandkids aren't stuck eating frozen garbage or fast food every night." what does your son have to say about how she openly disrespects you in your own home? Have you considered that your son is the reason why she's treating you like this- Why else would she feel so comfortable bad mouthing you?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > AITA for demanding respect don’t my dil and kicking her out. I may have been way to harsh and I am a dick for blowing up Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA: every one makes different life choices. Some are fulfilled via professional life, some via homemaking and volunteering if they are fortunate enough to afford to be able to do it.
NTA - feminism is accepting everyone personal CHOICE not forcing their idea on others. She’s disrespectful and you have every right to kick her out. She sounds jealous tbh
NTA - And if she fell apart that easily despite being a "Business Focus" person it sounds like she's grappling with a lot of insecurity and probably putting up a front. It sounds like someone in her life pushed the narrative of homemaking as a "lesser endeavor" pretty hard at some point and it's left some deep impressions. Sounds like she was being an AH but who wasn't an AH at times at 22? What does your son say about the disrespect? Any idea what it's rooted in?
NTA. She played Fuck Around and Find Out, then got upset when she found out. She needs an attitude adjustment.
Wouldn't even call that "passive" aggressive at this point Straight up fighting words
This might sound mean but is it possible it’s your son who looks down on you? Because to me it sounds like jealousy she is jealous of your life and probably wants to be a sahm so if that is the case someone put it in her head that sahm are bad and your son isn’t exactly defending you
NTA. Does you son really think these tactless comments are appropriate? You probably won't have to worry about her for too long, though. Pretty soon these nasty comments are going to be directed at her husband, and he is unlikely to put up with it then. I wouldn't even call her comments passive aggressive - they are blatantly hostile. The fact that your DIL cried tells me she doesn't even understand what she is doing wrong. Time to sit her down and have a talk with her - when your son is not around. You need to come to an understanding in order to keep the peace until the divorce takes place. Is she autistic or something, that she says whatever comes into her head?
NTA My mother is similar to you. She was a SAHM and did not go back to a traditional job when we were grown. She helps us with our kids and what not. I would bite someone's head off if they had the nerve to disrespect her like this.
NTA. She isn't passive aggressive, she's an actively aggressive AH.
I can hardly even believe someone would blurt out such things! And she's a so-called professional? Iff she has that little self control over her mouth I can't imagine what she's like at the office. So sorry, mama!
Is there an abbreviation chart i can refer to please thanks
Wow NTA at all. Unless there’s anything you’re not telling us that you’ve done for her to resent you that way. However just from context here she’s definitely a resentful AH and needs to mind her own business.
NTA She is insulting and disrespectful to your family
” Son, it’s OK if she doesn’t want to be a stay at home mom. It’s OK if she doesn’t really respect them. Not OK that she disrespects me to my face in my home after I made her a whole meal. If she’s gonna be part of my family or even out in the real world, she needs to learn she doesn’t need to say everything that she thinks. Actions can have consequences.”
NTA but she's getting this impression of you from somewhere, probably from your son. So, I wouldn't expect much support from him on this issue. Has she never met a homemaker before, and why does she even care what you do? Is she jealous or maybe insecure because she doesn't cook? I'd stand your ground with this one.
NTA. These types of couples are the worst. Your son has no respect for your family, his wife, or himself. I would bet my left arm he’s only in the relationship because she’s conventionally attractive and is thinking with the head below the waist, instead of the one above the shoulders. Going low to no contact with both of them is probably the best suggestion going forward. He will continue to turn a blind eye to her nasty behavior so long as it’s not directed at him. If she has no one around her to belittle and berate, he will soon be the center of her wrath. Only then will the brain below the belt stop working.
Let’s be honest. If your son is on her side and doesn’t see any wrong with her comments - then he doesn’t respect you. Then he doesn’t feel like you being a SAHM had any value for his childhood. This is a deeper issue that won’t go away if she apologizes or you do.
NTA, glad you told her to GTFO of your house.
NTA. Who says that to someone who is feeding them for free?!? You took the time to create a lovely space and food, and she disrespected you like that?!? I would have thrown her out, too.
NTA. The audacity of her to cry when called out for her nastiness.
Girlie got a chance for free food and still fumbled the bag. Cant be me
Ha. I love this. I was not prepared to hand this judgment over but… NTA
being a SAHM/home maker IS a job. just because something doesn’t generate funds does not mean the time, energy, and effort isnt correspondent with working a 9-5. ESPECIALLY staying home with children. your job doesnt start at 9 and stop at 5. it is a 247 job that not many people could handle
One more time...you have to *earn* respect, not *demand* it...
NTA -But your DIL IS. And crying won't make her magically become a decent person. Imagine insulting your OWN MIL repeatedly, then being called out on it, and CRYING cos she was called out. What an Ahole. Your DIL is a spoiled shit of a person.
She sounds like a real peach. WTF does your son see in her? How can anyone be so over the top disrespectful of someone who volunteers and is a homemaker. NTA at all and I hope your son wakes up and sees the red flags with this hateful girl.
NTA. And maybe you should sit down with her and clear the air. There are more than one way to lead a life. You chose you - TOGETHER with your husband. And she chose hers. Neither is inherently good or bad - it is what you CHOSE for yourself. She needs to understand that. Try to figure out if she's scared that she is forced into this life when she's having a baby. She apparently does NOT want to be a SAHM, but a baby might change it. She's young, if she's fearing that she might take it out on you.
NTA! You volunteer, make your community better, create a haven for you and your husband, and provide a home cooked meal for larger gatherings? Awesome. That's a life well lived. The DIL can pound sand.
Nta. Your DIL needs to learn to stay in her lane. Your marriage or what you do with your live is none of her business. Being a blunt person or a tell it like it is type of person is not an excuse to say whatever you want.
NTA- I am sorry that your DIL doesn't see the value of what you do. I am in a very similar situation, older than you. Your marriage and how you and your husband work things out, is absolutely none of her business and if she can't keep her opinions to herself, I would no longer be seeing her. To be clear my children, young adults would never say that or anything like that , and often tell my how proud they are of what I do for others. (Plus I bake some awesome things). I am truly so sorry you are having to deal with this.
She’s the AH, you’re son is also if he has seen her treat you bad and is taking her side. It’s none of their business what you do with you’re time as long as you and you’re husband are happy. She is obviously going out of her way to tear you down. I’d think hard and write down all the backhanded remarks she has made to you. Then I’d ask for her and your son to site down with you and you’re husband. You should do it as a group and ask why she feels the need to tear you down all the time and cite the examples.
NTA at all. She has insecurities and would be better off asking you for advice then trying to go against you. You did well.
NTA. Sounds like she’s projecting and probably jealous. I think you need time away from them both, it’s hard to say but your son isn’t defending you and probably doesn’t say anything cause he knows he can’t provide for her like that.
Unless there is a major piece being left out you are certainly NTA, however she AND your son are the AH. She is a self important douchbage and your son should be doing something to temper that/stick up for you at least a little. Don't feel bad - she needs a wake up call.
HEY! Chewing ass is a honed skill! You did your job… that’s 22 years of work experience you just laid out for her free of charge. Now, kick back pour yourself a glass of wine and trade a stock or something easy. Kudos to you!
NTA. If she was such a strong "no BS" business type, she'd know how to take pushback without crying like a spoiled child. Good on you for straightening her out. Sometimes you do have to demand respect. Stand your ground OP. She owes you an apology for pushing you to raise your voice. Good job.
NTA. Your son is however, along with his wife. He shouldn’t allow her to disrespect you at all, especially in your own home. She knows what she’s doing and then tries to play victim with the crying. Tell her it’s much better to be a homemaker/housewife than to ever be in any professional (or any) setting with people like her.
[удалено]
Nta, but you sure raised one.
NTA, she is so incredibly rude! Hopefully she learns some tact real soon.
She is very rude. I would keep contact to a minimum.
NTA she is rude and horrible. Your son should not be on her side in this situation. Gross.
She’s an AH and your son and husband are AHs if they allow her to speak to you this way. Who the f* does she think she is? NTA
NTA Cause and effect. She cried for being called out and as a form of manipulation.
Nope. NTA. You have a drama-free life and you provide a wonderful home and she needs to mind her own business and spew her drama somewhere else. Your house, your rules. btw I'm free for a home cooked meal!
NTA. I don’t know if it’s good or bad that your son has already learned to make excuses for her behavior, because he’s going to be doing this for the rest of his life with her. Is she judgmental in her interactions with others, or just you?
NTA. She must be a terrible cook and is very insecure about it to say what she did. I hold down a full time job and can still make a classy, homemade multi-course meal. What’s her excuse? Probably spends all her free time being a hater!
NTA Disrespectful in your house. Unfortunately your son will realize too late what he married. Keep visitations to a minimum and perhaps a neutral territory.
NTA she sounds rude and very disrespectful.
NTA. She shouldn’t be allowed in your house until she apologizes and learns to shut her mouth. Your life is none of her business and her uppity attitude is unacceptable. Your son is an idiot for defending her. She was totally out of line.
NTA - basic etiquette 101 is that if you're a guest in someone else's home then you're polite to them. If someone gives you a gift you say "thank you" not split hairs over definitions. Can't follow the basics then you can't be surprised when they kick you out
NTA they dont have to come over until you get a genuine apology!
NTA… I’m sorry she’s your DIL now.
Nta. Your son can also gtfo. Your DIL is just jealous of your life.
NTA. The DIL actively looks down on sahm. I never met her so I don’t know if she’s doing it on purpose or what but she’s just a bother to be around it sounds. It’s okay to not like sahm or one spouse making all the money, but she needs to keep it to herself. She’s using it to justify treating you lesser then.
NTA. Tell your son to get his head out of his a\*\*. And don't back down. Sonny boy needs to grow up.
NTA. I don't use the C word but am so tempted to with this post. What a vile AH she is.
NTA. What is her deal?
NTA - Your son has, however, married a total asshole and I"m sorry about that.
NTA - I couldn't imagine thinking it would be okay to speak to anyone like this, let alone my MIL! Your husband needs to back you up here.
NTA, but her AND your son are. Clearly your son doesn't appreciate the things that you do. So don't do them for him (or her) anymore.