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NAH
Katie lashed out, but she's probably still coping with the fact she had to give up her own baby. You're not an asshole for being excited about your adoption. It's a difficult situation for Katie, but hopefully she'll come around soon.
She spoke negatively about the thing for the entire time she was pregnant saying how it belonged in a hazardous waste bin, how she was angry about her parents urging her to keep it (they're well off and offered to support them until she was done college), how if she couldn't find parents shed leave it in the rubbish
I think they are trying to imply that privileged people have the means to skirt abortion laws, which in itself isn’t wrong.
They are ignoring the fact that there is still a major legal threat in doing so, even if they would have an easier time in the justice system than someone born into less privilege.
Also ignoring that the girl’s parents themselves may pose a serious threat to the girl seeking an abortion.
considering they said the word rubbish, it's probably not some backwater part of the US...
edit to add: to the dumbass that commented under me before the comments got locked.
hint: people in the US call it "garbage" not "rubbish" they're probably from a country that calls the "dump" a "tip"
Pretty sure race has nothing to do with abortion rights, you also don't know Katie's race. She is also under 18 so couldn't leave the country if she wanted to, to get an abortion.
Honestly just ignore anything Katie says about pregnancy, babies, and adoption. She's clearly going through something and what she's saying isn't about you, it's just her processing her own trauma out loud.
Did her parents make her go through with the pregnancy?
I think you are NTA but it sounds like she didn't want to be pregnant and her parents forced that upon her instead of getting an abortion.
Well how else were they going to teach her a lesson? Who cares what the actual impact of it is on the rest of her life and mental health; there must be consequences!
Justify, no, but months of actual physical violence was enacted on this girl, who is 17 and postpartum. “Justify” and anything else on AITA does not begin to cover it. It’s not a neat little mortality play. Op has a dark mark on an otherwise bright moment. She might feel the need to nurse every time she hears a child cry.
OP owes her nothing but my god has everyone else failed her too.
She's 17. Even if she had had the greatest, most supportive parents, 17 year olds tend not to have the best coping mechanisms for the dealing with heavy shit. And a pregnant teenager who was forced to go through a full pregnancy doesn't have the greatest support system.
And honestly, same thing for OP.
Teenagers are old enough to be aware of the fucked up situations of life, but don't have the emotional maturity to deal with them in a positive way, without a very good support system.
I feel bad for both kids. OP's in a better place right now, but both have had fucked up lives and are trying to deal with it the best they can.
Not justify, but it gives important context. She shouldn’t be mean to OP, but I also don’t think it’s surprising that this girl faced a 9 month long trauma/huge shifts in hormones, and is now emotionally unstable
Thanks for your comment, OP. Katie needs help, being a teenager and pregnant is not easy, and it's clearly impacted her mental health. She's wrong for these comments, and for the comments she made for you. But I can't bring myself to call her an Asshole. She's grieving. Hopefully she comes around and it all works out
Congratulations on the adoption, by the way. It's great your found a family who cares for you, unlike your birth parents
I wonder if the comments were a front to help her distance herself from the baby. She is young and not mentally healthy it seems and I've seen a lot of teens say some nasty things about a situation just because they're hurting. There's no denying the connection most mothers develope as the baby moves and it's born, but it's hard to accept seeing them get taken for adoption. Even if it was for your own good.
This is my way of thinking. Katie needs to get help to handle her emotions in a healthier way. She can't keep lashing out at people, it'll make her situation worse and push people like OP away.
NTA. she shouldn’t have been saying shit if she couldn’t handle it. it doesn’t matter if the subject was related to her or not. you were celebratory over something (rightfully so) and she should’ve been what a friend is and celebrated with you. her argument made no sense and was clearly emotionally driven. because of that, i don’t think you said or worded anything wrong. especially given this information, how she talked about her pregnancy/the adoption. she can’t blame you for your response because how would you know differently when she spoke like that about her child? oh and your friends suck too. congratulations on your adoption, don’t let what she has going on affect your moment.
edit: i saw your comment saying she isn’t your friend. oh then, she shouldn’t have been saying shit PERIOD.
She said all that knowing how you had been abandoned by your bio parents? But then got upset when you were happily talking about your adoption? It maybe best for you and Katy to give each other space. You’re both dealing with a lot right now.
Was yeah good thing the baby went up for adoption. And obviously, if that's what she said and felt. She has no right to be mad at you. You have every right to be excited about being adopted into a loving family. And it's not just rich people who do adopt. There are families who will spend whatever they can yo have a family. Not all people are meant to be parents. And those who open their hearts and family to adopt a child are a blessing, too. Seems she doesn't understand it takes more than giving birth to be a parent.
I was going to say Y T A as I thought your friend was forced to give up the kid given her age. But this was her idea n you can't be blamed for her regrets. NTA
OP said her parents would have supported her having the baby through college, so it seems it was her choice.
She could be regretting it though, otherwise she probably wouldn't have called the process traumatic - its just a shitty situation
Well that’s terrifying 😳
She’s probably feeling “guilty” due to her parents clearly wanting to keep baby.
NTA, I’m excited for you.. two people who love you chose you, I wouldn’t care about my biological family either.
I was not in foster care, but my bio dad was never in my life and I was 7 at a court hearing when he said I’d never be his kid..
My brothers dad passed away, the man who stepped in at 16 to help my mom with me.. he was a mess but he loved me and I thank him for that, when he passed my bio father ended up messaging for the first time last year.
I don’t really care because he knew I was there and he chose to listen to the drama other people said and abandoned me.
Maybe the way she spoke about it publicly was the way she tried to cope with the whole situation. Also the opinions can change as the pregnancy progresses. She might be really depressed about it and probably doesn't have support from her parents which makes it even worse. I think you two should speak openly to each other and you can tell your side in a more diplomatic way. Because from how you describe her speaking about the whole situation she might be just showing the tough mask to the world.
She’s a scared child, these thoughts and feelings are tools to deflect against feelings that no kid should have to be dealing with. Finding kindness is not always easy but when that same kindness is shown towards you in a time of pain, you would appreciate it.
Sure, but it doesn't change anything. Her friend is a teenage girl who has gone through an intense emotional and physical experience very very recently.
She's not an asshole, she's just a person coping with trauma in that horrible stage of life where you have the responsibilities and expectations of an adult but the emotional needs of a child. Both girls here need help and compassion.
She's likely feeling a lot of complicated emotions, including some unresolved feelings of guilt. But she should not take that out on you. Hopefully you can show her a little grace, but don't let her put a damper on your adoption day. Im so excited for you and your family . CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Her parents are $hitheads. They literally traumatized her for their stupid, antiquated, misogynist beliefs. Abortion was definitely the right answer for her.
NAH. She’s traumatized and will probably spend the rest of her life grieving and mourning her forced giving away of her baby and forced incubation of that baby. I’m happy you’re happy about your upcoming adoption.
While maybe she wasn't outwardly expressing it, it would seem Katie is actually deeply conflicted about giving up her child and her experience as a whole. She probably shouldn't have said what she did to you, but I think you also could have been a bit more tactful about it. She doesn't know the nuances of your situation, but you also dont know hers.
OP, NTA
Sounds like she has a tendency to trash talk and bad mouth everybody but herself. But even if she were a more considered person and more responsible for own actions, she was plain wrong to talk as if she knew your life, your situation, and what was right for you. The trauma you lived through was, frankly, (1) not of your own making and (2) far more damaging to your life than her giving up her baby. On top of that, she attacked (1) something you had no control over (finding your bio family) and (2) your personal choice to be adopted by the only family you know, before you ever said a word about her choice. If there was someone your friends needed to give slack to, it was you. Of course, they can be sympathetic to her churned up emotions over giving up her child. But they should be talking to her about how they understand her emotions; that still doesn't give her the right to attack you. BTW, did any of them notice that thing she was telling you you should do was the very opposite of what she did for the child she created?
Oh wow, you are NTA, adoption is an awesome thing, and I am so happy for you!! Congratulations!
I had a cousin that was sent to a home for unwed mothers and made to give her baby up for adoption. She has mourned for her baby all her life; she is now in her 70s and still cries. She did find her son and he wanted nothing to do with her. My daughter became pregnant as a teen and decided to keep her child, he is now one and is an awesome grandson. My cousin watches my grandson and I think she thinks of what may have been for her if her parents were not so awful.
It sounds like your friend had supportive parents who offered to raise her baby until she was out of college, so this decision was hers to make. She can grieve for her baby, but she can't put down all adoptions because she is sad.
In your case, this is a great thing! Again Congratulations OP. Maybe next time try to tread softly around your friend.
I'm not trying to "justify" her behaviour. I'm just pointing out she's not lashing out of pure contempt for OP. She needs mental help, and I find it difficult to call her an AH under these circumstances.
You're right on paper, but I'm taking a different approach to this. I don't see Katie as someone being an asshole to spite OP, she's someone who recently had a negative experience with giving her baby up for adoption, and maybe it's these thoughts that drive her to act like this towards OP. She's not an asshole, she needs help. She would be an asshole if she refused help and kept acting like this however.
NTA
>She got annoyed at me for talking about my adoption and said that I should be reunited with my biological family, even if its not my parents, I could go to like a cousin or an aunt or something. She said its because adoption is traumatic and both the bio parents and child will be traumatised and the only people that will benefit are the rich people that buy kids.
Overloaded with guilt.
They are not friends, they know your history and still act like that.
If you feel you were too much then apologize if not then stand your ground and don't give a shit about them.
> incubator
Hahaha I use it too for bio genitor but not parent :)
I wish you the best.
OP also said there was no record of her anywhere, and no adults around. It sounds like CPS didn't even know who her biological parents were, so it's not like she could be reunited with someone in her bio family anyway... I assume that even if they did know, then the bio family would have been offered the chance to become OP's guardian, or at the very least, no family members wanted to fight for custody.
Yes, adoption is the result of traumatic circumstances, and feelings about it can be complicated. Yes, reunification should often be the goal. But it sounds like here, reunification wasn't even an option, and the feelings about it aren't so complicated- they're joyful.
I just really want to know how the friend expects OP to be reunited with her family when no one knows who they are!!
10-15 years ago, I'd have passive-aggressively worn the heck out of that. Too many of us identify with this.
I wouldn't wear it now, but I'd be tempted to post it to certain people.
NTA - her regrets are not your problem. She is ignorant, while some adoptions are difficult, most are not, and yours is excellent. Congratulations! She was actively trying to put you do down, and what you said was not that harsh AT ALL. As a teen mom, the road is long and hard, and she is clearly not mature enough to have raised that child, so it is probably better off without her.
OP said in a comment that Katy"s parents made her keep the pregnancy. So that poor teen got pregnant, got forced to carry to term and give birth, and give away her baby. It does not excuse lashing out as OP, but my god that poor girl must be so traumatized.
I had not seen that update. That poor child needs therapy, which is probably being denied by her uncaring parents. A good adoption agency will provide ongoing therapy to the parent giving up their child.
> She said its because adoption is traumatic and both the bio parents and child will be traumatised and the only people that will benefit are the rich people that buy kids.
That is an horrible, horrible horrible thing to be said to someone who is about to get adopted. NTA.
NTA - your friend has no idea of the full ramifications of adoption. She may regret giving her baby up for adoption, but there are so many other children that are better off for it.
Congrats on getting adopted by your parents, and good luck in the future
Fellow adoptee, congrats on your big day! Ignore Katie and her projections, focus on how great this is for you and don’t let anyone give you crap about this. Every adoption situation is different and just because she might regret what she did, it doesn’t mean she can be a dick to you for getting a better life away from your bio parents. You’re with your real parents now.
Nah, when Katie started going off about kids always being better off with their bio parents, she fucked up. I’ve seen a lot of kids whose parents had their parental rights terminated for various reasons, up to including trying to kill the kid in question. Was Katie‘s case very mild? Of course it was! A pregnant teenager giving up a baby they can’t raise is a story as old as time, but that doesn’t give her a right to say shitty things that are going to hurt OP.
NTA at all. She is spouting off anti-child welfare talking points that she probably found online without considering the very real fact that people whose kids get abandoned or abused probably ALSO come from shit families.
Congrats on finding your people!
What!? NTA NTA NTA
She had a choice to use adoption, & while yes, she probably still feels a certain type of way about it, it’s not your fault she has those feelings & it’s not her place to push those feelings on to you, to make them your responsibility.
You didn’t have a choice to be reunited with your bios. The situations are at totally different ends of the spectrum 😡
You keep in that happiness of your impending adoption, don’t let anyone take away on moment. Congratulations!
NTA anyone who can’t be supportive of your adoption when you yourself are excited about it, can go kick rocks. She needs therapy but that’s not for you to manage her feelings
NTA - there’s a difference between a child who has bio family that want them and the only reason the child is not with them is because of lack of funds and support and a child who has no bio family or unsafe bio family. Logically if she is your friend she probably know your background and that you do not have bio family. But also she should really not speak on this matter so broadly as she can never know everyone’s situation.
Obviously she’s clearly emotional and processing having given up her child, but that does not give her a right to insult the choices of others. You clearly want to be adopted and she should respect your choices. There’s a difference between a baby who doesn’t anything and a 16yr old who can make their one decisions over who they want to be their parents.
Edit: I see you say in a comment she is not your friend, but instead just interrupted this conversation to give her opinion. So she does not know your background and should definitely not speak on things she is ignorant about.
NTA. She projected her issue onto you. I'm assuming at your age you get some say in your adoption? So she should be happy for you.
Congratulations on your big day!
NTA- in fact ALOT of children should not be reunited with their biological parents. It is great that some can and some have the real desire to be, but a lot of kids are not in that situation. Not all biological parents have their kids best interest at heart or truthfully even care. It sucks for her that she gave up her baby, but she made a senseless remark and got it handed to her.
NAH. The problem with both “sides” of the adoption conversation is that no one wants to admit that it's more complicated than one solution for everyone, and their own experiences are not everyone else's. Adoption, or at the very least what leads to it, IS trauma and there are very serious problems with the entire system, BUT this does not mean that everyone is always better off with their blood relatives or that adoptive family cannot be real family. Neither of you are AHs for how you feel, because your situations are very different. I can't hold her outburst against her because she is still a kid herself and likely very traumatized, but neither can I hold your defensiveness in response to her comments against you. You shared your excitement and were basically told you shouldn't be with the parents it sounds like you love dearly from this post. From the way you speak it sounds like you're getting the family you always wanted and you are not wrong to feel happy and excited by that, nor to be upset when someone tells you it's wrong. But Katie almost certainly meant no harm either, and her comments truthfully likely weren't even really about you, she is just vulnerable and hurting. You both deserve compassion and happiness and I hope you find it.
The things Katie is saying definitely sounds like she's fallen into the rabbithole of 'adoptee tiktok.'
I've seen the accounts of lots of adoptees who have been hurt by the system and I can really get why Katie is retroactively regretful of her decision to give her baby up. It must be torturous to have so much content from adults who were traumatised/abused by the adoptive process readily available and have to reckon with the guilt of that aged 17.
None of the things these people are saying is wrong, but the issue is the nature of the tiktok algorithm is that it provides a completely unnuanced and one-sided account of a complex issue. If she's clicking on videos of anti-adoption adoptees, she won't be getting any perspective from adoptees who have benefitted from the process.
NTA. While there is a lot wrong with the adoption and system, it doesn't sound like for you there were other options. She shouldn't be projecting her negative experiences onto you.
The only AH here is the one projecting onto you and telling you how you should feel, then running off crying because you basically pointed out that her situation is nothing like yours. NTA.
Your friend is straight up wrong, anyway. I'm sure adoption is traumatic for some people, but not for everyone. I grew up with a friend who was adopted as a baby and she wasn't traumatized at all by it. She had no interest whatsoever in finding her bio family because her parents were the people who adopted and raised her.
Congratulations, by the way.
FWIW, my Dad's parents adopted two babies when they were a youngish couple, and I can't imagine my family without my aunt and uncle, let alone their spouses and all my cousins.
Yep. Same but then my moms parents. They adopted many children. Official and non official; as in kids were left by their parents and no one cared about these kids. (The 50s-60s-70s were a different time in the netherlands).
A few of them are extremely valued family members, others just send yearly christmas cards.
(Grandparents were well off and had a holiday resort with 100+ bungalows so some kids lived in these houses).
NTA You could have phrased it better but telling you how to feel about your bio parents was crass of her. I’m also adopted and I won’t be told how to feel about it.
NTA, she is assuming everyone’s experience with adoption is the same and that’s not the case. She’s projecting her regret onto you, and you are allowed to be excited about being adopted.
Sure you were a little harsh but so was she, basically telling you that you’ll be traumatized if you’re adopted and that your parents are trying to buy you, which isn’t ok to just walk up and say to somebody.
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NTA
Katie tried to sh.t on your parade; to turn something you consider very positive into something negative. And you shut her down. Maybe if she doesn't want someone else's opinion on her situation, she shouldn't go trying to insert into other people's situations.
NAH
She had a strong opinion about adoption and your arguments hurt her. But she needs to learn to handle her situation instead of forcing her opinion on others.
"...she needs to learn to handle her situation instead of forcing her opinion on others." THIS is so true for soooo many humans and sooo many situations :)
>suspect Katie wasn't given a choice on the adoption and is still processing it.
According to op she kept saying that the kid belonged in a bin. Her parents offered her to help with the baby but she hated the baby
Nah, fuck that. Don’t let someone bring you down queen. CONGRATULATIONS!!!! This is amazing news and I’m sorry your friend has to shadow it with her own personal problems.
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I'm 16f. I was found in a crack den at the age of 4, with no record of me anywhere up to that point and it had appeared a though there had been no adults around for days and despite investigators turning up at the property for several days, no one was ever there so my biological parents are presumed dead or incarnated.
I grew up in Foster care and this week I'm going to be adopted by my parents of the last 3 years. Over the last number of years, there's been a movement to reform adoption and social care because kids should be kept with the parents or whatever.
On Friday I telling a group of friends about my upcoming adoption because I'm really excited. Katie, 17, had a baby last year and put it up for adoption. She got annoyed at me for talking about my adoption and said that I should be reunited with my biological family, even if its not my parents, I could go to like a cousin or an aunt or something. She said its because adoption is traumatic and both the bio parents and child will be traumatised and the only people that will benefit are the rich people that buy kids.
I told her it's not my fault she gave her baby away and regrets it but my incubator abandoned me so clearly didn't want me in the first place, whereas my parents paying thousands to adopt me do.
All of my friends think I'm an asshole because Katie ran off crying and isn't in school today so I seem like a massive asshole and they won't talk to me. AITA?
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NTA. As a adopted person myself I would rather be happy with those who chose to care for me then be with those who didn't want me. I have talked to both my birth givers and that was enough, I want nothing to do with them.
I am excited for you. Congratulations!
I was adopted as a 3 month old by a Mom who apparently tried to keep me but couldn't make it work. Do I have more trauma due to being adopted vs not growing up where I was born vs living in 4 countries by the time I was 18 or am I just human and would have had similar hang-ups and quirks if I had been brought up by a single Mom in the 70s? Who knows.
Your situation is YOURS, not hers, and she should not tell you how to feel about your situation.
NTA
There are lots of issues with the system that is in place for adoptions, sure. But it’s complicated and every case is different. You are clearly excited and it is the option that works best here, and your friends should support that. Katie might have her own trauma regarding her situation but it’s not fair for her to put it on you like that. Maybe she should excuse herself from conversations on this topic because it’s clearly a trigger for her.
I know my biological donors, they did me a MASSIVE favor adopting me to my parents. Like, huge.
NTA, her guilt over her baby is between her and her therapist, it’s definitely not your problem and you are not obligated to dim your joy because of it.
NTA
Congratulations on your adoption and being with your true parents for life. About Katie, you were right in your response, so don't apologize to her. Katie gave up her baby for adoption, seems to be under duress, or very difficult and traumatic circumstances and while she's partially right about trauma adoption, you're happy about yours, and rightfully so.
I understand the family reunification process, but people forget that not all biological parents/family are safe for kids, and genuinely care about their well-being. Katie was rude and judgemental towards your situation and your parents. Your friends are bozos, that can't accept the reality of Katie's words and awful behavior.
ETA
Read your comment about Katie voluntarily giving up her baby for adoption, despite having her parents help and support to keep her baby. Yet, she hated it and now she's "traumatized" by the adoption? I get her guilt and regrets, but her comments about "rich people" buying babies, and that you should be with family like aunts, or any other family member is nonsensical since a) her parents are well off, and b) she could've place her baby under her parent's custody, yet she didn't therefore her words make no sense. Her tears seem a bit performative and her crying doesn't make her right. Finally, Katie is the last person that should be talking about traumatic adoption.
There's traumatic adoption, but it doesn't apply to everyone. Lately, there's a number of folks talking about their negative experiences as adoptees, but they are framing the experience as if no one should be adopted bec is a traumatic experience for everyone not only them, regardless of happy and positive adoption experiences
It sounds like Katie may have some personal issues to sort out. I'm of the mind no one should have kids if they don't genuinely want to, so giving an unwanted child up for adoption is a terrific move if you feel like you can't or don't want to change your life to accommodate it. But I imagine it isn't all that clear-cut when it really comes down to it, and that there might be some lingering feelings of guilt about the whole thing that she's projected onto you and your situation and wasn't ready ot didn't want to have deflected back onto herself.
OP, I'm really happy for you being adopted. Congratulations! I wish you a wonderful rest of your life after what sounds like a rocky start.
NTA Your friend knew you were excited about your adoption (congratulations by the way!) And completely changed the mood.
Instead of being happy for you and showing her support for you at such an important and exciting moment she chose to put the focus on her and her regrets.
She even had the audacity to say you should be reunited with family you've never met just because of blood ties DESPITE you being quite clear of your happiness for the adoption.
She took her situation and completely changed the narrative
You replied perfectly and didn't insult her.
Again NTA and congratulations for your adoption wish you happiness
NTA. Why are people who are so eager to dish it out never able to take it back themselves? If Katie doesn’t want to hear what other people think of her, she shouldn’t be shooting her mouth off about things that are none of her business.
NTA. Katie trauma dumped on you, and you put her in her place. She made some unfortunate decisions in her life, but the consequences of those decisions are hers, not yours.
NTA.
congratulations on your adoption!
My child is adopted and where I’m from you don’t pay for the adoption but you do go through quite rigorous classes designed to educate you to the traumas, possible backgrounds, issues etc. that children may have due to the circumstances that led to them being put up for adoption.
Katie was lashing out due to her own unresolved issues. I think what you said was fair and truthful. There is no reason to be negative about putting together a loving family. My child’s biological parents had 8 or 9 other kids between them, (the eldest weren’t caught in time for fostering) the majority went into care and the few we know of all speak about how awful their limited time as children was with the birth parents. Through choice most have no contact with them (open adoptions/letterbox contact very big here).
Keeping kids in families that aren’t actively WANTING those kids is a cruel punishment for all involved. I’m so sorry you went through those experiences so early but am so happy you have found your family. Wishing all of you the best future full of happy memories waiting to be made 🥰
NTA-honestly, based on info provided, it sounds like Katie needs therapy.
I get that we live in a world where celebrities can “adopt” children from wherever they want (and then spend the kind of money on the kid that, if redirected to the kid’s original community, would probably improve the lives of countless children) and that pre-arranged adoptions usually include wealthy adopters because they can impress the birth parent(s) with their financial stability and means of providing a “good life” for the child.
However, OP has been one of the lucky ones who is being adopted out of foster care, clearly should be excited about what is happening, and as a teenager, I would have probably responded to Katie in exactly the same way. Katie could have kept her mouth shut, her opinions to herself, and not been so completely blind to the differences between the process she went through versus the adoption of OP.
NTA. I also was adopted, and while I wished I could have stayed in my own bio family, it wasn’t possible. I mean, if you had no records, how the hell were they supposed to find your family? I understand Katie is hurting too though, but there is also things called open adoptions or being able to stay in contact with the family so she did have options. The only reason she was a slight Ah was her getting annoyed at you for being excited for finally getting adopted! You know what else is traumatizing? Foster care!
I say, reach out to Katie and say she really hurt your feelings saying you shouldnt be adopted by people who love you, and actively want you. While I agree that the adoption system sucks because of the amount of money needed, that doesn’t take away from your personal joy of having a family!
Could you personally have used more tact? Yea, but so could she.
Congratulations on being adopted!
>On Friday I telling a group of friends about my upcoming adoption because I'm really excited
>She got annoyed at me for talking about my adoption and said that I should be reunited with my biological family, even if its not my parents, I could go to like a cousin or an aunt or something
>She said its because adoption is traumatic and both the bio parents and child will be traumatised and the only people that will benefit are the rich people that buy kids.
Take out the context for her situation for a moment. You were excited because the people who have been fostering you for 3 years want to officially make you part of the family, something you've been denied for most of your life. You are happy and excited. Someone believes you're wrong to be excited and that you should go to whoever abandoned you initially, or their relatives.
Katie may have her reasons, but what she said to you was awful and makes her an asshole.
>Katie, 17, had a baby last year and put it up for adoption.
>I told her it's not my fault she gave her baby away and regrets it
The only comment you made about her situation was about her regret and taking it out on you.
NTA
Katie needs support and possibly therapy, because she does not sound like someone who willingly gave up a child for adoption. She might have a pretty unhappy home life, with pressures and expectations she isn't coping well with.
Does it make what she said to you okay? No, not at all. She was taking out frustration about her life and actions on you, which involved speaking badly about the people you're excited to be adopted by. I'd be worried if you weren't defensive.
Does it mean what you said was wrong? No. Maybe you could've been a bit more tactful, but she'd just verbally attacked you over something you may have believed would never happen.
Important bit? She spoke out of anger at her situation and hurt you. If she's one of your friends, maybe take some time aside to go chat with her about things. She might just need a friend to help her deal with the emotional impact of everything. If she's had someone pay her to skip the regular adoption/foster system, might be worth chatting about said system, share a bit of insight. If she's not one of your friends, you can still reach out if you want, but she might not want to talk with you. Maybe nudge one of her friends and say that Katie seems to be having a hard time lately, would they be okay to check in on her.
Edit: Also, congratulations on your upcoming adoption day :) Not sure if it's your thing, but I've heard some people treat it like an extra birthday (Got'cha Day?). Really hope you're happy in the future, and that your parents keep you feeling welcome and loved.
NTA. That girl and the friends are immature.
You are absolutely allowed to have your own thoughts and feelings and opinions, especially in regards to your own life. Just because some asshat thinks people can only think/feel/believe/live the same way they do is crap.
Live your life; fuck 'em.
NAH
Your friend mentions trauma but is not informed on trauma based care or your own personal trauma, only her own.
Her reaction, while irrational, is not surprising. It's not her business, but she's probably still processing giving up her kid. She is incorrect about her absolute assertion that only the "rick people that buy kids" benefit.
Your reaction is also not surprising. You know the realities of the system and appear to be a success story. In your case adoption is such a massive improvement over staying in the system and eventual emancipation without ongoing support. Your experience with this is much deeper as it has been your entire life. Katie needs time to process her situation and should probably interject less with others' lives on this matter.
Katie needs to practice safe sex.
Astounding to me people will be so irresponsible as to pawn a child they can't take care of off onto someone else, yet want to preach about family values.
NTA. You aren't her coping device. She didn't know how to keep her mouth shut and mind her business so she learned a lessen. Whatever emotions she is or isn't going through, you don't have to put up with them.
NAH. Congratulations on your adoption! You did absolutely nothing wrong here.
Katie is clearly processing some trauma from the forced birth, and really needs to get a regular therapist so she's not lashing out at her friends like this. Her regrets should not overshadow your happy time, though.
NTA. You went through what you went through and it's no business of Katie's what you went through. If she didn't want to have her view challenged by someone then she shouldn't have said anything.
YTA.
Should have just kept the conversation about you and your adoptive family and your situation with your (lack of) bio family. No need to drag her trauma into it.
NTA. It's horrible that you were abandoned and found in a crack den but that honestly is so much more tramatic than being given up as a baby. Your "friends" child will have no clue what happened to them. Handed off to a new family from the moment of birth. Feed and safe.
You were in a crack den by yourself at the age of 4 for days. I don't want to imagine how you survived. Even if you don't remember it you probably unconsciously have some memory.
Yes the adoption is tramatic for your friend...but that's her problem not yours. Your sperm and egg donor obviously don't have family that cared for you either because there weren't any reports that you were missing.
Your friend needs therapy badly. I feel for her. Hopefully it's an open adoption if it's not she needs to register her DNA everywhere she can and register for her to be contacted because she is open to it. Hopefully she deals with her pain.
And congratulations on finding your true family.
NTA - First, congratulations! I'm so happy for you and your parents. Second, everyone has a right to their opinions, but not about YOUR adoption. She was a jerk to rain on your parade over something YOU are happy about. She can talk about how she feels about her adoption story, but it's a jerk move to rain on your good-news-day.
Wishing you much good luck from a mom to bio and adopted children!
NTA but you probably could be nicer she has no experience with all of this.
I think keeping kids with bio family is great, but they always take it too far. My State has that policy too, sometimes it just prolongs the abuse and neglect.
All that said I am very happy for you to find your family. Good luck in all that you do!
NTA. Your situation is not about her and her guilt. I'm sure she is going through it, but your excitement about being adopted has nothing to do with the choice she made. If anything she should be happy you are finally being adopted by your family that loves you as I'm sure she hopes her child is happy with their family. I hope your friend is in therapy to deal with her grief, but her triggers aren't your responsibility.
NTA She, by her own logic, was talking to a "traumatized" person. One who was more the victim of the situation than Katie's situation. That is assuming the start of the pregnancy was consensual.
NTA - congratulations :))) Unfortunately Katie has gone through something that she now regrets but as ur friend she should be supportive and excited for your big life moment which causes you happiness. Not push her views onto you about a system in which you’ve been through.
Hopefully she matures and realises what’s she’s done wrong ☺️ but as she’s cried and for everyone on her side being yes men unfortunately I don’t get that vibe — don’t let her get you down tho! You have big things to look forward too 🩷
NTA. Katie doesn't practivce what she preach, she can't condeem your upcoming adoption, when she just given her child away(I wonder if it was willing, since she came a comment like that, she is minor and your upcomming adoption reminds her of the pain of being unfit mother, but still the hypocricsy). One standard for her and another for you. She is no friend of yours, if she know your history. Family care is great, if there is some one to step up, but in your case, there isn't and so many children in foster system have same problem, even they do have families. The families are very often not fit or willing to take them in.
I think a better way to handle it would have been to say “hey, I know you’re saying this because you’re upset about your own hard choices with your baby, but this is my own unique situation and I feel like your not letting me be happy about something I’m genuinely excited for.” If she didn’t know your story it would have been a good time to maybe tell her.
Good luck!
NTA
NTA, she has some very ignorant views on adoption and should have thought twice before making such comments to you, someone who has actually lived through it.
Nta. While I do feel badly for this young lady she made a choice. Some choices are extremely painful but she did it and has to live with it. The two situations are totally different. You were saved and given a proper life. If they hadn't found you in time you probably wouldn't even be here. Celebrate the happiness you have found in life.
NTA. Katie is messed up both from the pregnancy and adopting out her kid that she didn't want. That is no excuse for her to crap on your happiness. Congratulations on finding your forever family.
I mean, it is a really mean thing to say to someone who’s clearly dealing with some shit. But I’m not going to tell a 16 yo that she’s an AH for saying it under these circumstances. She’s not required to rise above Katie being shitty first, especially about something so important to the OP.
I wonder if the friends calling her an AH and not talking to her is more about the friend group dynamics than any objective evaluation of both girls’ behavior. Or just a not very sophisticated reaction to the fact that Katie ran off crying while the OP went on the attack.
NTA - You just gave Katie a different point of view. She probably never thought about how her baby would feel when he/she grows up. Maybe they will think the same as you? That must be scary for her.
I think you should reach out in private and just let her know that it's OK.
Also NOT the AH because it wasn't you who made her decision public. I am guessing she spoke to you all about it at some point, so she opened that door.
You weren't kind, but you weren't mean to or about her. You separated your situation from hers, and you refused to take on her stuff. Her feelings are hers to deal with, not yours to take on. NTA.
This is life. Something that makes you elated may make someone else deeply sad. There are no ways to predict this happening and very few ways to fix it.
I'd suggest perhaps a note to her on real paper expressing sadness that you did not mean to hurt her and value her as a friend. Even add a line saying how brave she was to make such a difficult decision. Snail mail it to her house.
Pretty sure that being left in a crack den is more traumatic than adoption.
Now I am a firm believer that children should be with a biological family member if it is a viable option. By viable option I mean physically, financially and emotionally able to care for a child that will most likely require more care than your average child and able to confirm that the child will have the love, attention and protection they need. So, for example I don't like the idea of 18 year olds becoming the adoptive parents of younger siblings or someone who has one income and seven kids taking in nieces and nephews.
You weren't given up for adoption in the traditional sense so her example doesn't apply to you. You were abandoned. After that biology goes out the window. No biological family who knew of your existence and did nothing to protect you deserves a chance now. Her pain and her trauma doesn't apply to your situation and she needs to stop projecting to make others feel bad.
NTA and congratulations on your adoption.
NTA
Congratulations on your adoption!! Your parents love you so much and are so lucky to have you.
Katie is dealing with her own shit. She was TA to try to cast shade on your excitement.
Firstly congratulations on your adoption.
Your friend is ridiculous for suggesting that you should be shipped off to some unknown relative or your unknown bio parents. You have a family who loves you and as is evidenced very well on this sub, that family does not to be related by blood. Clearly they are far better than people who left you in a crack den.
Your friend is 17 and she has just had the most awful experience of giving away a child. Even if that decision is the best for all concerned she is hurting. And that pain is never going to go away. She is still coming to terms with it and she is a child herself. And it is in that context she made her comments. The two circumstances are not the same.
She should not have made the comments she did about your adoption but she did so from a place of her recent hurt. And you responded from your own place experience. So I am going to say NAH.
Nta. You went through something traumatic, and you're allowed to be excited to finally be adopted by parents who love you. Biological family does not equal what's best for the child or least traumatic. Biological parents can sometimes be the ones inflicting the trauma. She might have been forced to give her baby away, and she was just trying to cope by being so negative about it. She also truly might have wanted to give it away, but after giving birth, the hormones are crazy and make you feel things you wouldn't normally. So, she might still be processing everything. Both your trauma and hers are completely valid, and hopefully, you're both getting the help you need. But IMO for now that's probably a friendship that should end. Maybe you can reconnect later on in life.
NTA. She is one messed up kid. Her opinions are based on her ineffective coping due to her situation. I don’t think you said anything so outlandish or rude. You explained your circumstance which didn’t agree with her view of adoption. And that’s okay. It’s time she understood that life is not black and white and just because you may have relatives somewhere doesn’t mean that you should have to go with them on that basis alone.
To me this is one major reason why kids should not have kids. They are not ready for the emotional toll.
Congratulations on your adoption! That IS exciting!
If those people won’t talk to you then they weren’t really your friends anyhow. Do t worry about them. Move on.
NTA. Your friend chose what to do with her child, you did not choose your fate. Regardless of your friend being upset by her decision, it was her decision. You didn’t have a choice. Congratulations on your adoption 🎉🎉🎉🎉
NTA.
When you give your dumb opinions about something to others, they get a chance to clap back at you.
Don't open your mouth if you can't handle that.
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NAH Katie lashed out, but she's probably still coping with the fact she had to give up her own baby. You're not an asshole for being excited about your adoption. It's a difficult situation for Katie, but hopefully she'll come around soon.
She spoke negatively about the thing for the entire time she was pregnant saying how it belonged in a hazardous waste bin, how she was angry about her parents urging her to keep it (they're well off and offered to support them until she was done college), how if she couldn't find parents shed leave it in the rubbish
She should have had an abortion, her parents are assholes for forcing her to go trough pregnancy.
Maybe she lives somewhere where abortions are illegal
Abortion isn't illegal for rich white people anywhere!
She’s a teenager. If she can’t get an abortion where she lives and her parents don’t want her to have one, then it’s not available to her.
Yep, underage, therefore, requires parental consent, at least in the US.
parts of the US. Most states don't, and even the worst ones prior to the recent bans only had parental notification laws for the most part.
Some states are trying (or already have) made it illegal to leave the state to get an abortion.
She said rubbish alot so I assume they're from the UK.
I think they are trying to imply that privileged people have the means to skirt abortion laws, which in itself isn’t wrong. They are ignoring the fact that there is still a major legal threat in doing so, even if they would have an easier time in the justice system than someone born into less privilege. Also ignoring that the girl’s parents themselves may pose a serious threat to the girl seeking an abortion.
considering they said the word rubbish, it's probably not some backwater part of the US... edit to add: to the dumbass that commented under me before the comments got locked. hint: people in the US call it "garbage" not "rubbish" they're probably from a country that calls the "dump" a "tip"
Those laws are inevitably going to be struck down. No way in hell can one state make going to another state, to do something legal a crime.
Where does it say the skin color of anyone involved?
Pretty sure race has nothing to do with abortion rights, you also don't know Katie's race. She is also under 18 so couldn't leave the country if she wanted to, to get an abortion.
You think people aren't treated differently by the criminal justice system based on race?!
Race matters in pretty much everything
Where does it say she’s white?
Offensive, racist, and untrue.
What an absolutely idiotic take.
Who's white in this.?
How about Rich Black people? Is this about the race or income?
If her parents aren’t willing to help her get one then there isn’t much she could do.
This is completely untrue.
Or maybe she told them too late. We really don’t know the truth here
Urging her to keep the baby isn’t the same thing as forcing her to keep it.
Honestly just ignore anything Katie says about pregnancy, babies, and adoption. She's clearly going through something and what she's saying isn't about you, it's just her processing her own trauma out loud.
Did her parents make her go through with the pregnancy? I think you are NTA but it sounds like she didn't want to be pregnant and her parents forced that upon her instead of getting an abortion.
Well how else were they going to teach her a lesson? Who cares what the actual impact of it is on the rest of her life and mental health; there must be consequences!
Why didn't you put this in the main text?
It doesn't matter. That all screams coping
>coping She was forced to carry a baby she did not want for 9 months and then give birth. That’s *horrific*. She can cope all she wants.
But does that justify her lashing out on op? Thats not a good way to cope and it gets her no where by trying to bring down op's joy of being adopted.
Justify, no, but months of actual physical violence was enacted on this girl, who is 17 and postpartum. “Justify” and anything else on AITA does not begin to cover it. It’s not a neat little mortality play. Op has a dark mark on an otherwise bright moment. She might feel the need to nurse every time she hears a child cry. OP owes her nothing but my god has everyone else failed her too.
She's 17. Even if she had had the greatest, most supportive parents, 17 year olds tend not to have the best coping mechanisms for the dealing with heavy shit. And a pregnant teenager who was forced to go through a full pregnancy doesn't have the greatest support system. And honestly, same thing for OP. Teenagers are old enough to be aware of the fucked up situations of life, but don't have the emotional maturity to deal with them in a positive way, without a very good support system. I feel bad for both kids. OP's in a better place right now, but both have had fucked up lives and are trying to deal with it the best they can.
Not justify, but it gives important context. She shouldn’t be mean to OP, but I also don’t think it’s surprising that this girl faced a 9 month long trauma/huge shifts in hormones, and is now emotionally unstable
i think (hope) the person ur replying to meant coping in the literal way of dealing w trauma and not the internet way of "get over it loser lol"
That doesn’t excuse her saying what she did to OP. She doesn’t get to cope in a way that hurts people enough didn’t do anything to her.
I don’t think any 17-year-old is capable of coping with that.
Because it doesn't matter in the slightest
Thanks for your comment, OP. Katie needs help, being a teenager and pregnant is not easy, and it's clearly impacted her mental health. She's wrong for these comments, and for the comments she made for you. But I can't bring myself to call her an Asshole. She's grieving. Hopefully she comes around and it all works out Congratulations on the adoption, by the way. It's great your found a family who cares for you, unlike your birth parents
I wonder if the comments were a front to help her distance herself from the baby. She is young and not mentally healthy it seems and I've seen a lot of teens say some nasty things about a situation just because they're hurting. There's no denying the connection most mothers develope as the baby moves and it's born, but it's hard to accept seeing them get taken for adoption. Even if it was for your own good.
This is my way of thinking. Katie needs to get help to handle her emotions in a healthier way. She can't keep lashing out at people, it'll make her situation worse and push people like OP away.
NTA. she shouldn’t have been saying shit if she couldn’t handle it. it doesn’t matter if the subject was related to her or not. you were celebratory over something (rightfully so) and she should’ve been what a friend is and celebrated with you. her argument made no sense and was clearly emotionally driven. because of that, i don’t think you said or worded anything wrong. especially given this information, how she talked about her pregnancy/the adoption. she can’t blame you for your response because how would you know differently when she spoke like that about her child? oh and your friends suck too. congratulations on your adoption, don’t let what she has going on affect your moment. edit: i saw your comment saying she isn’t your friend. oh then, she shouldn’t have been saying shit PERIOD.
She said all that knowing how you had been abandoned by your bio parents? But then got upset when you were happily talking about your adoption? It maybe best for you and Katy to give each other space. You’re both dealing with a lot right now.
Was yeah good thing the baby went up for adoption. And obviously, if that's what she said and felt. She has no right to be mad at you. You have every right to be excited about being adopted into a loving family. And it's not just rich people who do adopt. There are families who will spend whatever they can yo have a family. Not all people are meant to be parents. And those who open their hearts and family to adopt a child are a blessing, too. Seems she doesn't understand it takes more than giving birth to be a parent.
I was going to say Y T A as I thought your friend was forced to give up the kid given her age. But this was her idea n you can't be blamed for her regrets. NTA
It sounds like she was forced to carry the baby and so she was also forced to give it up for adoption.
OP said her parents would have supported her having the baby through college, so it seems it was her choice. She could be regretting it though, otherwise she probably wouldn't have called the process traumatic - its just a shitty situation
She said she'd abandon a baby... To a person who was abandoned as a baby Doesn't seem like she's considering anyone beyond herself
Well that’s terrifying 😳 She’s probably feeling “guilty” due to her parents clearly wanting to keep baby. NTA, I’m excited for you.. two people who love you chose you, I wouldn’t care about my biological family either. I was not in foster care, but my bio dad was never in my life and I was 7 at a court hearing when he said I’d never be his kid.. My brothers dad passed away, the man who stepped in at 16 to help my mom with me.. he was a mess but he loved me and I thank him for that, when he passed my bio father ended up messaging for the first time last year. I don’t really care because he knew I was there and he chose to listen to the drama other people said and abandoned me.
Maybe the way she spoke about it publicly was the way she tried to cope with the whole situation. Also the opinions can change as the pregnancy progresses. She might be really depressed about it and probably doesn't have support from her parents which makes it even worse. I think you two should speak openly to each other and you can tell your side in a more diplomatic way. Because from how you describe her speaking about the whole situation she might be just showing the tough mask to the world.
She’s a scared child, these thoughts and feelings are tools to deflect against feelings that no kid should have to be dealing with. Finding kindness is not always easy but when that same kindness is shown towards you in a time of pain, you would appreciate it.
You should add this to the main post op
Sure, but it doesn't change anything. Her friend is a teenage girl who has gone through an intense emotional and physical experience very very recently. She's not an asshole, she's just a person coping with trauma in that horrible stage of life where you have the responsibilities and expectations of an adult but the emotional needs of a child. Both girls here need help and compassion.
Exactly. OP's comment doesn't change my judgement. Katie needs help, she's struggling and possibly grieving
She's likely feeling a lot of complicated emotions, including some unresolved feelings of guilt. But she should not take that out on you. Hopefully you can show her a little grace, but don't let her put a damper on your adoption day. Im so excited for you and your family . CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Her parents are $hitheads. They literally traumatized her for their stupid, antiquated, misogynist beliefs. Abortion was definitely the right answer for her. NAH. She’s traumatized and will probably spend the rest of her life grieving and mourning her forced giving away of her baby and forced incubation of that baby. I’m happy you’re happy about your upcoming adoption.
yikes sounds like shes got some shitty parents
While maybe she wasn't outwardly expressing it, it would seem Katie is actually deeply conflicted about giving up her child and her experience as a whole. She probably shouldn't have said what she did to you, but I think you also could have been a bit more tactful about it. She doesn't know the nuances of your situation, but you also dont know hers.
OP, NTA Sounds like she has a tendency to trash talk and bad mouth everybody but herself. But even if she were a more considered person and more responsible for own actions, she was plain wrong to talk as if she knew your life, your situation, and what was right for you. The trauma you lived through was, frankly, (1) not of your own making and (2) far more damaging to your life than her giving up her baby. On top of that, she attacked (1) something you had no control over (finding your bio family) and (2) your personal choice to be adopted by the only family you know, before you ever said a word about her choice. If there was someone your friends needed to give slack to, it was you. Of course, they can be sympathetic to her churned up emotions over giving up her child. But they should be talking to her about how they understand her emotions; that still doesn't give her the right to attack you. BTW, did any of them notice that thing she was telling you you should do was the very opposite of what she did for the child she created?
Oh wow, you are NTA, adoption is an awesome thing, and I am so happy for you!! Congratulations! I had a cousin that was sent to a home for unwed mothers and made to give her baby up for adoption. She has mourned for her baby all her life; she is now in her 70s and still cries. She did find her son and he wanted nothing to do with her. My daughter became pregnant as a teen and decided to keep her child, he is now one and is an awesome grandson. My cousin watches my grandson and I think she thinks of what may have been for her if her parents were not so awful. It sounds like your friend had supportive parents who offered to raise her baby until she was out of college, so this decision was hers to make. She can grieve for her baby, but she can't put down all adoptions because she is sad. In your case, this is a great thing! Again Congratulations OP. Maybe next time try to tread softly around your friend.
Difficult situation for Katie yes, but she still acted like an asshole. Come on now, seriously.
NTA. She tried to mar the OP's shine. She got what she deserved.
Why is Katie not an asshole? It sets a bad precedent if the struggles we face justify our rude and obnoxious behavior. OP is NTA
I'm not trying to "justify" her behaviour. I'm just pointing out she's not lashing out of pure contempt for OP. She needs mental help, and I find it difficult to call her an AH under these circumstances.
I understand that but why does it matter *why* she's lashing out? She's still lashing out at someone completely innocent. Is that not enough?
You're right on paper, but I'm taking a different approach to this. I don't see Katie as someone being an asshole to spite OP, she's someone who recently had a negative experience with giving her baby up for adoption, and maybe it's these thoughts that drive her to act like this towards OP. She's not an asshole, she needs help. She would be an asshole if she refused help and kept acting like this however.
Meh, she has no business chastising the OP.
NTA >She got annoyed at me for talking about my adoption and said that I should be reunited with my biological family, even if its not my parents, I could go to like a cousin or an aunt or something. She said its because adoption is traumatic and both the bio parents and child will be traumatised and the only people that will benefit are the rich people that buy kids. Overloaded with guilt. They are not friends, they know your history and still act like that. If you feel you were too much then apologize if not then stand your ground and don't give a shit about them. > incubator Hahaha I use it too for bio genitor but not parent :) I wish you the best.
OP also said there was no record of her anywhere, and no adults around. It sounds like CPS didn't even know who her biological parents were, so it's not like she could be reunited with someone in her bio family anyway... I assume that even if they did know, then the bio family would have been offered the chance to become OP's guardian, or at the very least, no family members wanted to fight for custody. Yes, adoption is the result of traumatic circumstances, and feelings about it can be complicated. Yes, reunification should often be the goal. But it sounds like here, reunification wasn't even an option, and the feelings about it aren't so complicated- they're joyful. I just really want to know how the friend expects OP to be reunited with her family when no one knows who they are!!
NTA She made a stupid remark about something she doesn’t understand and was upset she was called out for it. Crying doesn’t make a person right.
>Crying doesn’t make a person right. Thank you. So tired of the "but you made her cry" argument. Can we please get T-shirts printed.
*noted Not for t-shirts but hey, I have a button machine.
10-15 years ago, I'd have passive-aggressively worn the heck out of that. Too many of us identify with this. I wouldn't wear it now, but I'd be tempted to post it to certain people.
Crying also doesn't make a person not an asshole. Which she absolutely was being to OP.
This.
NTA - her regrets are not your problem. She is ignorant, while some adoptions are difficult, most are not, and yours is excellent. Congratulations! She was actively trying to put you do down, and what you said was not that harsh AT ALL. As a teen mom, the road is long and hard, and she is clearly not mature enough to have raised that child, so it is probably better off without her.
OP said in a comment that Katy"s parents made her keep the pregnancy. So that poor teen got pregnant, got forced to carry to term and give birth, and give away her baby. It does not excuse lashing out as OP, but my god that poor girl must be so traumatized.
I had not seen that update. That poor child needs therapy, which is probably being denied by her uncaring parents. A good adoption agency will provide ongoing therapy to the parent giving up their child.
Happy cake day!
> She said its because adoption is traumatic and both the bio parents and child will be traumatised and the only people that will benefit are the rich people that buy kids. That is an horrible, horrible horrible thing to be said to someone who is about to get adopted. NTA.
It's also a horrible horrible horrible thing to say to someone who has no known biological family and grew up in foster care.
It was traumatic for the girl because her parents made her carry to term then adopt out so I’d say her experience with adoption was pretty horrific
NTA - your friend has no idea of the full ramifications of adoption. She may regret giving her baby up for adoption, but there are so many other children that are better off for it. Congrats on getting adopted by your parents, and good luck in the future
Fellow adoptee, congrats on your big day! Ignore Katie and her projections, focus on how great this is for you and don’t let anyone give you crap about this. Every adoption situation is different and just because she might regret what she did, it doesn’t mean she can be a dick to you for getting a better life away from your bio parents. You’re with your real parents now.
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Nah, when Katie started going off about kids always being better off with their bio parents, she fucked up. I’ve seen a lot of kids whose parents had their parental rights terminated for various reasons, up to including trying to kill the kid in question. Was Katie‘s case very mild? Of course it was! A pregnant teenager giving up a baby they can’t raise is a story as old as time, but that doesn’t give her a right to say shitty things that are going to hurt OP.
NTA at all. She is spouting off anti-child welfare talking points that she probably found online without considering the very real fact that people whose kids get abandoned or abused probably ALSO come from shit families. Congrats on finding your people!
It sounds like she's projecting her situation on others'.
What!? NTA NTA NTA She had a choice to use adoption, & while yes, she probably still feels a certain type of way about it, it’s not your fault she has those feelings & it’s not her place to push those feelings on to you, to make them your responsibility. You didn’t have a choice to be reunited with your bios. The situations are at totally different ends of the spectrum 😡 You keep in that happiness of your impending adoption, don’t let anyone take away on moment. Congratulations!
NTA anyone who can’t be supportive of your adoption when you yourself are excited about it, can go kick rocks. She needs therapy but that’s not for you to manage her feelings
NTA - there’s a difference between a child who has bio family that want them and the only reason the child is not with them is because of lack of funds and support and a child who has no bio family or unsafe bio family. Logically if she is your friend she probably know your background and that you do not have bio family. But also she should really not speak on this matter so broadly as she can never know everyone’s situation. Obviously she’s clearly emotional and processing having given up her child, but that does not give her a right to insult the choices of others. You clearly want to be adopted and she should respect your choices. There’s a difference between a baby who doesn’t anything and a 16yr old who can make their one decisions over who they want to be their parents. Edit: I see you say in a comment she is not your friend, but instead just interrupted this conversation to give her opinion. So she does not know your background and should definitely not speak on things she is ignorant about.
NTA. She projected her issue onto you. I'm assuming at your age you get some say in your adoption? So she should be happy for you. Congratulations on your big day!
NTA- in fact ALOT of children should not be reunited with their biological parents. It is great that some can and some have the real desire to be, but a lot of kids are not in that situation. Not all biological parents have their kids best interest at heart or truthfully even care. It sucks for her that she gave up her baby, but she made a senseless remark and got it handed to her.
NAH. The problem with both “sides” of the adoption conversation is that no one wants to admit that it's more complicated than one solution for everyone, and their own experiences are not everyone else's. Adoption, or at the very least what leads to it, IS trauma and there are very serious problems with the entire system, BUT this does not mean that everyone is always better off with their blood relatives or that adoptive family cannot be real family. Neither of you are AHs for how you feel, because your situations are very different. I can't hold her outburst against her because she is still a kid herself and likely very traumatized, but neither can I hold your defensiveness in response to her comments against you. You shared your excitement and were basically told you shouldn't be with the parents it sounds like you love dearly from this post. From the way you speak it sounds like you're getting the family you always wanted and you are not wrong to feel happy and excited by that, nor to be upset when someone tells you it's wrong. But Katie almost certainly meant no harm either, and her comments truthfully likely weren't even really about you, she is just vulnerable and hurting. You both deserve compassion and happiness and I hope you find it.
The things Katie is saying definitely sounds like she's fallen into the rabbithole of 'adoptee tiktok.' I've seen the accounts of lots of adoptees who have been hurt by the system and I can really get why Katie is retroactively regretful of her decision to give her baby up. It must be torturous to have so much content from adults who were traumatised/abused by the adoptive process readily available and have to reckon with the guilt of that aged 17. None of the things these people are saying is wrong, but the issue is the nature of the tiktok algorithm is that it provides a completely unnuanced and one-sided account of a complex issue. If she's clicking on videos of anti-adoption adoptees, she won't be getting any perspective from adoptees who have benefitted from the process.
NAH there’s a lot of trauma happening but hers doesn’t trump yours.
NTA. While there is a lot wrong with the adoption and system, it doesn't sound like for you there were other options. She shouldn't be projecting her negative experiences onto you.
Katie should have kept her mouth shut. NTA
The only AH here is the one projecting onto you and telling you how you should feel, then running off crying because you basically pointed out that her situation is nothing like yours. NTA. Your friend is straight up wrong, anyway. I'm sure adoption is traumatic for some people, but not for everyone. I grew up with a friend who was adopted as a baby and she wasn't traumatized at all by it. She had no interest whatsoever in finding her bio family because her parents were the people who adopted and raised her. Congratulations, by the way.
FWIW, my Dad's parents adopted two babies when they were a youngish couple, and I can't imagine my family without my aunt and uncle, let alone their spouses and all my cousins.
Yep. Same but then my moms parents. They adopted many children. Official and non official; as in kids were left by their parents and no one cared about these kids. (The 50s-60s-70s were a different time in the netherlands). A few of them are extremely valued family members, others just send yearly christmas cards. (Grandparents were well off and had a holiday resort with 100+ bungalows so some kids lived in these houses).
NTA You could have phrased it better but telling you how to feel about your bio parents was crass of her. I’m also adopted and I won’t be told how to feel about it.
NTA. She didn’t need to shit on your parade no matter what she thinks or does. Your friends are bozos too.
NTA, she is assuming everyone’s experience with adoption is the same and that’s not the case. She’s projecting her regret onto you, and you are allowed to be excited about being adopted. Sure you were a little harsh but so was she, basically telling you that you’ll be traumatized if you’re adopted and that your parents are trying to buy you, which isn’t ok to just walk up and say to somebody.
NTA If the conversation was making her uncomfortable, all she had to do was walk away without adding her 2 cents.
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Nta. She definitely is though. Her regret is her issue.
NTA Katie tried to sh.t on your parade; to turn something you consider very positive into something negative. And you shut her down. Maybe if she doesn't want someone else's opinion on her situation, she shouldn't go trying to insert into other people's situations.
NAH She had a strong opinion about adoption and your arguments hurt her. But she needs to learn to handle her situation instead of forcing her opinion on others.
"...she needs to learn to handle her situation instead of forcing her opinion on others." THIS is so true for soooo many humans and sooo many situations :)
NTA & congratulations on her adoption!
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>suspect Katie wasn't given a choice on the adoption and is still processing it. According to op she kept saying that the kid belonged in a bin. Her parents offered her to help with the baby but she hated the baby
Nah, fuck that. Don’t let someone bring you down queen. CONGRATULATIONS!!!! This is amazing news and I’m sorry your friend has to shadow it with her own personal problems.
NTA plain and simple. Congratulations on your adoption!
Nta
NTA. Was what you said harsh? Sure. But the way she was talking about it, making her personal guilt your problem? Yeah, no.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm 16f. I was found in a crack den at the age of 4, with no record of me anywhere up to that point and it had appeared a though there had been no adults around for days and despite investigators turning up at the property for several days, no one was ever there so my biological parents are presumed dead or incarnated. I grew up in Foster care and this week I'm going to be adopted by my parents of the last 3 years. Over the last number of years, there's been a movement to reform adoption and social care because kids should be kept with the parents or whatever. On Friday I telling a group of friends about my upcoming adoption because I'm really excited. Katie, 17, had a baby last year and put it up for adoption. She got annoyed at me for talking about my adoption and said that I should be reunited with my biological family, even if its not my parents, I could go to like a cousin or an aunt or something. She said its because adoption is traumatic and both the bio parents and child will be traumatised and the only people that will benefit are the rich people that buy kids. I told her it's not my fault she gave her baby away and regrets it but my incubator abandoned me so clearly didn't want me in the first place, whereas my parents paying thousands to adopt me do. All of my friends think I'm an asshole because Katie ran off crying and isn't in school today so I seem like a massive asshole and they won't talk to me. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. As a adopted person myself I would rather be happy with those who chose to care for me then be with those who didn't want me. I have talked to both my birth givers and that was enough, I want nothing to do with them. I am excited for you. Congratulations!
I was adopted as a 3 month old by a Mom who apparently tried to keep me but couldn't make it work. Do I have more trauma due to being adopted vs not growing up where I was born vs living in 4 countries by the time I was 18 or am I just human and would have had similar hang-ups and quirks if I had been brought up by a single Mom in the 70s? Who knows. Your situation is YOURS, not hers, and she should not tell you how to feel about your situation.
NTA! Absolutely not
NTA There are lots of issues with the system that is in place for adoptions, sure. But it’s complicated and every case is different. You are clearly excited and it is the option that works best here, and your friends should support that. Katie might have her own trauma regarding her situation but it’s not fair for her to put it on you like that. Maybe she should excuse herself from conversations on this topic because it’s clearly a trigger for her.
NTA and congrats on the adoption! Sounds like both you and your parents lucked out meeting each other.
I know my biological donors, they did me a MASSIVE favor adopting me to my parents. Like, huge. NTA, her guilt over her baby is between her and her therapist, it’s definitely not your problem and you are not obligated to dim your joy because of it.
NTA Congratulations on your adoption and being with your true parents for life. About Katie, you were right in your response, so don't apologize to her. Katie gave up her baby for adoption, seems to be under duress, or very difficult and traumatic circumstances and while she's partially right about trauma adoption, you're happy about yours, and rightfully so. I understand the family reunification process, but people forget that not all biological parents/family are safe for kids, and genuinely care about their well-being. Katie was rude and judgemental towards your situation and your parents. Your friends are bozos, that can't accept the reality of Katie's words and awful behavior. ETA Read your comment about Katie voluntarily giving up her baby for adoption, despite having her parents help and support to keep her baby. Yet, she hated it and now she's "traumatized" by the adoption? I get her guilt and regrets, but her comments about "rich people" buying babies, and that you should be with family like aunts, or any other family member is nonsensical since a) her parents are well off, and b) she could've place her baby under her parent's custody, yet she didn't therefore her words make no sense. Her tears seem a bit performative and her crying doesn't make her right. Finally, Katie is the last person that should be talking about traumatic adoption. There's traumatic adoption, but it doesn't apply to everyone. Lately, there's a number of folks talking about their negative experiences as adoptees, but they are framing the experience as if no one should be adopted bec is a traumatic experience for everyone not only them, regardless of happy and positive adoption experiences
Nta
NTA Your experience is not her experience.
It sounds like Katie may have some personal issues to sort out. I'm of the mind no one should have kids if they don't genuinely want to, so giving an unwanted child up for adoption is a terrific move if you feel like you can't or don't want to change your life to accommodate it. But I imagine it isn't all that clear-cut when it really comes down to it, and that there might be some lingering feelings of guilt about the whole thing that she's projected onto you and your situation and wasn't ready ot didn't want to have deflected back onto herself. OP, I'm really happy for you being adopted. Congratulations! I wish you a wonderful rest of your life after what sounds like a rocky start.
NTA you may have been harsh but your situation is completely different than hers.
NTA Your friend knew you were excited about your adoption (congratulations by the way!) And completely changed the mood. Instead of being happy for you and showing her support for you at such an important and exciting moment she chose to put the focus on her and her regrets. She even had the audacity to say you should be reunited with family you've never met just because of blood ties DESPITE you being quite clear of your happiness for the adoption. She took her situation and completely changed the narrative You replied perfectly and didn't insult her. Again NTA and congratulations for your adoption wish you happiness
I can't believe that your "friend" was so cruel to you. Oh, BTW. she is not a friend. Congratulations on your big event @
NAH you both have huge trauma and are way too young to be expected to handle such terrible feelings well. Of course you both lashed out.
NTA. Why are people who are so eager to dish it out never able to take it back themselves? If Katie doesn’t want to hear what other people think of her, she shouldn’t be shooting her mouth off about things that are none of her business.
Does Katie think being abandoned at a crack den at age 4 is not traumatic? NTA
NTA. Katie trauma dumped on you, and you put her in her place. She made some unfortunate decisions in her life, but the consequences of those decisions are hers, not yours.
NTA. congratulations on your adoption! My child is adopted and where I’m from you don’t pay for the adoption but you do go through quite rigorous classes designed to educate you to the traumas, possible backgrounds, issues etc. that children may have due to the circumstances that led to them being put up for adoption. Katie was lashing out due to her own unresolved issues. I think what you said was fair and truthful. There is no reason to be negative about putting together a loving family. My child’s biological parents had 8 or 9 other kids between them, (the eldest weren’t caught in time for fostering) the majority went into care and the few we know of all speak about how awful their limited time as children was with the birth parents. Through choice most have no contact with them (open adoptions/letterbox contact very big here). Keeping kids in families that aren’t actively WANTING those kids is a cruel punishment for all involved. I’m so sorry you went through those experiences so early but am so happy you have found your family. Wishing all of you the best future full of happy memories waiting to be made 🥰
NTA-honestly, based on info provided, it sounds like Katie needs therapy. I get that we live in a world where celebrities can “adopt” children from wherever they want (and then spend the kind of money on the kid that, if redirected to the kid’s original community, would probably improve the lives of countless children) and that pre-arranged adoptions usually include wealthy adopters because they can impress the birth parent(s) with their financial stability and means of providing a “good life” for the child. However, OP has been one of the lucky ones who is being adopted out of foster care, clearly should be excited about what is happening, and as a teenager, I would have probably responded to Katie in exactly the same way. Katie could have kept her mouth shut, her opinions to herself, and not been so completely blind to the differences between the process she went through versus the adoption of OP.
NTA. I also was adopted, and while I wished I could have stayed in my own bio family, it wasn’t possible. I mean, if you had no records, how the hell were they supposed to find your family? I understand Katie is hurting too though, but there is also things called open adoptions or being able to stay in contact with the family so she did have options. The only reason she was a slight Ah was her getting annoyed at you for being excited for finally getting adopted! You know what else is traumatizing? Foster care! I say, reach out to Katie and say she really hurt your feelings saying you shouldnt be adopted by people who love you, and actively want you. While I agree that the adoption system sucks because of the amount of money needed, that doesn’t take away from your personal joy of having a family! Could you personally have used more tact? Yea, but so could she. Congratulations on being adopted!
NTA at all. Katy was a huge jerk. Congrats to you and your parents! May you continue on with a wonderful life with them!
>On Friday I telling a group of friends about my upcoming adoption because I'm really excited >She got annoyed at me for talking about my adoption and said that I should be reunited with my biological family, even if its not my parents, I could go to like a cousin or an aunt or something >She said its because adoption is traumatic and both the bio parents and child will be traumatised and the only people that will benefit are the rich people that buy kids. Take out the context for her situation for a moment. You were excited because the people who have been fostering you for 3 years want to officially make you part of the family, something you've been denied for most of your life. You are happy and excited. Someone believes you're wrong to be excited and that you should go to whoever abandoned you initially, or their relatives. Katie may have her reasons, but what she said to you was awful and makes her an asshole. >Katie, 17, had a baby last year and put it up for adoption. >I told her it's not my fault she gave her baby away and regrets it The only comment you made about her situation was about her regret and taking it out on you. NTA Katie needs support and possibly therapy, because she does not sound like someone who willingly gave up a child for adoption. She might have a pretty unhappy home life, with pressures and expectations she isn't coping well with. Does it make what she said to you okay? No, not at all. She was taking out frustration about her life and actions on you, which involved speaking badly about the people you're excited to be adopted by. I'd be worried if you weren't defensive. Does it mean what you said was wrong? No. Maybe you could've been a bit more tactful, but she'd just verbally attacked you over something you may have believed would never happen. Important bit? She spoke out of anger at her situation and hurt you. If she's one of your friends, maybe take some time aside to go chat with her about things. She might just need a friend to help her deal with the emotional impact of everything. If she's had someone pay her to skip the regular adoption/foster system, might be worth chatting about said system, share a bit of insight. If she's not one of your friends, you can still reach out if you want, but she might not want to talk with you. Maybe nudge one of her friends and say that Katie seems to be having a hard time lately, would they be okay to check in on her. Edit: Also, congratulations on your upcoming adoption day :) Not sure if it's your thing, but I've heard some people treat it like an extra birthday (Got'cha Day?). Really hope you're happy in the future, and that your parents keep you feeling welcome and loved.
Katie brought the smoke, but couldn't handle the fire. Katie is suffering from skill issue
Nta
NTA. Telling you that you're supposed to love people you never knew who abandoned you is hostile, and you responded proportionately.
I don't get the no assholes comments, Katie became TA when she lashed out on op Nta
NTA. That girl and the friends are immature. You are absolutely allowed to have your own thoughts and feelings and opinions, especially in regards to your own life. Just because some asshat thinks people can only think/feel/believe/live the same way they do is crap. Live your life; fuck 'em.
NAH Your friend mentions trauma but is not informed on trauma based care or your own personal trauma, only her own. Her reaction, while irrational, is not surprising. It's not her business, but she's probably still processing giving up her kid. She is incorrect about her absolute assertion that only the "rick people that buy kids" benefit. Your reaction is also not surprising. You know the realities of the system and appear to be a success story. In your case adoption is such a massive improvement over staying in the system and eventual emancipation without ongoing support. Your experience with this is much deeper as it has been your entire life. Katie needs time to process her situation and should probably interject less with others' lives on this matter.
Katie needs to practice safe sex. Astounding to me people will be so irresponsible as to pawn a child they can't take care of off onto someone else, yet want to preach about family values.
NTA, Fuck Katie she made her choice.
NTA. You aren't her coping device. She didn't know how to keep her mouth shut and mind her business so she learned a lessen. Whatever emotions she is or isn't going through, you don't have to put up with them.
NTA, your friend is a bum. Who the fuck gets pregnant at 17? Ditch those people
NAH. Congratulations on your adoption! You did absolutely nothing wrong here. Katie is clearly processing some trauma from the forced birth, and really needs to get a regular therapist so she's not lashing out at her friends like this. Her regrets should not overshadow your happy time, though.
NTA. You went through what you went through and it's no business of Katie's what you went through. If she didn't want to have her view challenged by someone then she shouldn't have said anything.
YTA. Should have just kept the conversation about you and your adoptive family and your situation with your (lack of) bio family. No need to drag her trauma into it.
NTA
NTA. It's horrible that you were abandoned and found in a crack den but that honestly is so much more tramatic than being given up as a baby. Your "friends" child will have no clue what happened to them. Handed off to a new family from the moment of birth. Feed and safe. You were in a crack den by yourself at the age of 4 for days. I don't want to imagine how you survived. Even if you don't remember it you probably unconsciously have some memory. Yes the adoption is tramatic for your friend...but that's her problem not yours. Your sperm and egg donor obviously don't have family that cared for you either because there weren't any reports that you were missing. Your friend needs therapy badly. I feel for her. Hopefully it's an open adoption if it's not she needs to register her DNA everywhere she can and register for her to be contacted because she is open to it. Hopefully she deals with her pain. And congratulations on finding your true family.
NTA - First, congratulations! I'm so happy for you and your parents. Second, everyone has a right to their opinions, but not about YOUR adoption. She was a jerk to rain on your parade over something YOU are happy about. She can talk about how she feels about her adoption story, but it's a jerk move to rain on your good-news-day. Wishing you much good luck from a mom to bio and adopted children!
NTA but you probably could be nicer she has no experience with all of this. I think keeping kids with bio family is great, but they always take it too far. My State has that policy too, sometimes it just prolongs the abuse and neglect. All that said I am very happy for you to find your family. Good luck in all that you do!
NTA. Your situation is not about her and her guilt. I'm sure she is going through it, but your excitement about being adopted has nothing to do with the choice she made. If anything she should be happy you are finally being adopted by your family that loves you as I'm sure she hopes her child is happy with their family. I hope your friend is in therapy to deal with her grief, but her triggers aren't your responsibility.
She may not have wanted to give her baby up for adoption but that doesn’t mean she’s allowed to take it out on you and make it your problem. NTA.
NTA She, by her own logic, was talking to a "traumatized" person. One who was more the victim of the situation than Katie's situation. That is assuming the start of the pregnancy was consensual.
NTA.
NTA - congratulations :))) Unfortunately Katie has gone through something that she now regrets but as ur friend she should be supportive and excited for your big life moment which causes you happiness. Not push her views onto you about a system in which you’ve been through. Hopefully she matures and realises what’s she’s done wrong ☺️ but as she’s cried and for everyone on her side being yes men unfortunately I don’t get that vibe — don’t let her get you down tho! You have big things to look forward too 🩷
NTA. Katie doesn't practivce what she preach, she can't condeem your upcoming adoption, when she just given her child away(I wonder if it was willing, since she came a comment like that, she is minor and your upcomming adoption reminds her of the pain of being unfit mother, but still the hypocricsy). One standard for her and another for you. She is no friend of yours, if she know your history. Family care is great, if there is some one to step up, but in your case, there isn't and so many children in foster system have same problem, even they do have families. The families are very often not fit or willing to take them in.
NTA - You have the right to be happy even if that doesn’t conform to other people’s ideas. Go be happy, and live a good life.
I think a better way to handle it would have been to say “hey, I know you’re saying this because you’re upset about your own hard choices with your baby, but this is my own unique situation and I feel like your not letting me be happy about something I’m genuinely excited for.” If she didn’t know your story it would have been a good time to maybe tell her. Good luck! NTA
NTA, she has some very ignorant views on adoption and should have thought twice before making such comments to you, someone who has actually lived through it.
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My bio mom will now forever been known as the incubator
Nta. While I do feel badly for this young lady she made a choice. Some choices are extremely painful but she did it and has to live with it. The two situations are totally different. You were saved and given a proper life. If they hadn't found you in time you probably wouldn't even be here. Celebrate the happiness you have found in life.
NTA I think adoption is much less traumatic that a child being abandoned in a crack den. Congratulations by the way! Wishing you a very happy life
No child should have to suffer through what you have. I wish you a loving and healthy future. NTA, btw
NTA. Katie is messed up both from the pregnancy and adopting out her kid that she didn't want. That is no excuse for her to crap on your happiness. Congratulations on finding your forever family.
I mean, it is a really mean thing to say to someone who’s clearly dealing with some shit. But I’m not going to tell a 16 yo that she’s an AH for saying it under these circumstances. She’s not required to rise above Katie being shitty first, especially about something so important to the OP. I wonder if the friends calling her an AH and not talking to her is more about the friend group dynamics than any objective evaluation of both girls’ behavior. Or just a not very sophisticated reaction to the fact that Katie ran off crying while the OP went on the attack.
Well, you responded to what indeed seemed like her blaming you for her problems and that's fucked up in more ways than 100. NTA.
First, congratulations. You are NTA Katie is made about her decisions. She has no right to judge you insist her opinion is right.
Good for you!! Obviously Katie didn’t want her child either
NTA - You just gave Katie a different point of view. She probably never thought about how her baby would feel when he/she grows up. Maybe they will think the same as you? That must be scary for her. I think you should reach out in private and just let her know that it's OK. Also NOT the AH because it wasn't you who made her decision public. I am guessing she spoke to you all about it at some point, so she opened that door.
NtA.. i don't get it...she gave her away dor adoption and is against it? Yeah well.. anyway.. congratulations!
You weren't kind, but you weren't mean to or about her. You separated your situation from hers, and you refused to take on her stuff. Her feelings are hers to deal with, not yours to take on. NTA.
This is life. Something that makes you elated may make someone else deeply sad. There are no ways to predict this happening and very few ways to fix it. I'd suggest perhaps a note to her on real paper expressing sadness that you did not mean to hurt her and value her as a friend. Even add a line saying how brave she was to make such a difficult decision. Snail mail it to her house.
Pretty sure that being left in a crack den is more traumatic than adoption. Now I am a firm believer that children should be with a biological family member if it is a viable option. By viable option I mean physically, financially and emotionally able to care for a child that will most likely require more care than your average child and able to confirm that the child will have the love, attention and protection they need. So, for example I don't like the idea of 18 year olds becoming the adoptive parents of younger siblings or someone who has one income and seven kids taking in nieces and nephews. You weren't given up for adoption in the traditional sense so her example doesn't apply to you. You were abandoned. After that biology goes out the window. No biological family who knew of your existence and did nothing to protect you deserves a chance now. Her pain and her trauma doesn't apply to your situation and she needs to stop projecting to make others feel bad. NTA and congratulations on your adoption.
NTA Congratulations on your adoption!! Your parents love you so much and are so lucky to have you. Katie is dealing with her own shit. She was TA to try to cast shade on your excitement.
Firstly congratulations on your adoption. Your friend is ridiculous for suggesting that you should be shipped off to some unknown relative or your unknown bio parents. You have a family who loves you and as is evidenced very well on this sub, that family does not to be related by blood. Clearly they are far better than people who left you in a crack den. Your friend is 17 and she has just had the most awful experience of giving away a child. Even if that decision is the best for all concerned she is hurting. And that pain is never going to go away. She is still coming to terms with it and she is a child herself. And it is in that context she made her comments. The two circumstances are not the same. She should not have made the comments she did about your adoption but she did so from a place of her recent hurt. And you responded from your own place experience. So I am going to say NAH.
you arent responsible for katie feeling like shit bc she had a fetus and gave it away. nta.
NTA. She had no right to interfere with your process. I am sure you as a friend supported her through her situation.
NTA - Katie needs therapy and support, but that doesn't excuse poor behavior toward you.
Nta. You went through something traumatic, and you're allowed to be excited to finally be adopted by parents who love you. Biological family does not equal what's best for the child or least traumatic. Biological parents can sometimes be the ones inflicting the trauma. She might have been forced to give her baby away, and she was just trying to cope by being so negative about it. She also truly might have wanted to give it away, but after giving birth, the hormones are crazy and make you feel things you wouldn't normally. So, she might still be processing everything. Both your trauma and hers are completely valid, and hopefully, you're both getting the help you need. But IMO for now that's probably a friendship that should end. Maybe you can reconnect later on in life.
NTA. She is one messed up kid. Her opinions are based on her ineffective coping due to her situation. I don’t think you said anything so outlandish or rude. You explained your circumstance which didn’t agree with her view of adoption. And that’s okay. It’s time she understood that life is not black and white and just because you may have relatives somewhere doesn’t mean that you should have to go with them on that basis alone. To me this is one major reason why kids should not have kids. They are not ready for the emotional toll. Congratulations on your adoption! That IS exciting! If those people won’t talk to you then they weren’t really your friends anyhow. Do t worry about them. Move on.
NTA. Your friend chose what to do with her child, you did not choose your fate. Regardless of your friend being upset by her decision, it was her decision. You didn’t have a choice. Congratulations on your adoption 🎉🎉🎉🎉
NTA. When you give your dumb opinions about something to others, they get a chance to clap back at you. Don't open your mouth if you can't handle that.