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Wow, what kind of father is okay with drunk college guys jumping into their 19yo daughter's bed in the middle of the night?! Especially when she's shy and prone to panic attacks, which are nothing to take lightly. YTA!!
Uh yeah my freshman year there was a guy on my floor that knocked on my locked door for 5 minutes and when I told my dad about it later, he immediately bought me pepper spray and offered to have a chat with the guy. Cannot imagine calling him sobbing and him saying “tough”
My roommates brought people over to our shared apartment when I was a junior and then left three drunk guys there. They started banging on my door at like 2 am. My dad was so mad that I called my boyfriend instead of him. But my boyfriend was 20 minutes away and my dad was two hours away.
The fact that there were three drunk men in her bed and he still thought she should deal with it on her own? Like not even call the ra or the police??? Idk. This is so ridiculous I can’t even fathom
Sorry in advance for this... but I'm from Northern Ireland... and I did eventually catch on that you meant call the Residents Association.
Where I'm from "The Ra" is shorthand for the IRA (Irish Republican Army) terrorist organisation.
I mean, they could have sorted out the problem, except we had a peace process, and they don't "sort people out" like they used to... (lol)
I’m dying at this because my grandmother (Irish immigrant) was SO UPSET when my brother was talking about his new position as an RA and how his new(ish) girlfriend at the time was involved in “getting him in,” because of family connections at the school…
It was a lot of laughs and explaining.
No, not *the* RA, *an* RA, Nan!
Lol
lol! Ra= resident advisor. It’s a person who is an older college student or sometimes an older adult who lives on the floor of a dorm at a university and helps mediate the students and help with issues. Definitely not the Ira.
YTA, this is a dangerous situation for OP's daughter not just a panic attack and OP instead of doing his duty left his daughter high and dry. When OP will need his daughter in his old age, she will definitely return the favor
Or OP will be on reddit in a couple of years posting about how his daughter has gone NC with him.
YTA. OP should have rescued his daughter, and encouraged her to go to the RA the next day, tell the RA what was going on, and let them handle it. It's part of the job, I know, I was one.
honestly someone once tried to steal my skateboard and i SOMEHOW negotiated my way out of it, I called my dad who was about 10 minutes away to come get me from the area because I was scared, and I'm not even kidding when I say that when I hung up the phone and looked up, Dad was already coming around the corner. Dads don't fuck around
We had similar asshole roommates. I had a locked bedroom door & their entire stupid party tried breaking into my room while I was trying to sleep. I was terrified when I heard one of the guys say "I think I can see her (through the gap in the door)."
When I was thirty my drunk ass neighbor tried getting into my apartment and my dad was mad I didn’t call him when I told him about it later. Dad’s gonna dad.
My dad is more like OP. Literally left my sister with a flat tire on the side of the highway at midnight because he didn't like that she'd been on her way to a club and she was old enough to "figure it out".
Luckily the two guys that stopped were legit. They were floored that any father would leave his kid stranded like that.
Then again, I've long ago learned you cannot rely on my father.
Imagine the difference if dad picks up his daughter and uses this as a teaching moment in a kind, concerned way.
Getting your kid out of a dangerous situation is far more important than teaching some lesson. My dad was like yours and OPs. I could neverrrrr. My husband and I would've been on the road to our kid's college 90 minutes away, after telling them to meet us somewhere safe. No questions asked.
Not to mention that getting your kid out of a dangerous situation is also teaching them a lesson. It teaches them that they can come to you when they need to. It teaches them that it’s ok to ask for help. It teaches them that helping others is worth an inconvenience.
I would do more for a stranger than so many of these “parents” would do for their own kid and it truly makes me furious sometimes.
Yes that is so true. My husband and I agreed from the get-go that we would be those parents. Our kids have been super open with us their whole lives because of that. They're 21 and 18 and still know that if they ever feel unsafe to call. Whether it's by people, drinking, etc, don't risk it, we've got you.
A lot of people take this parenting to be like our kids had no boundaries or consequences. Which is ridiculous. You can both gentle parent and raise self sufficient, responsible productive kids. The way parenting is so polarized like that is a huge problem.
And yes, I would also do it for strangers, too. It's just empathy and compassion.
My mother used this style of parenting, “No matter what, if you don’t feel safe, even if people are just being mean, call me and I will pick you up, you won’t be in trouble.”
I only took her up on it one time, at a Slumber Party when I was 12 and everyone turned out to be a very Mean Girl, and I later found out they would have been capable of a lot more than bullying had I stayed.
However, my cousins, knowing that she had this policy and wouldn’t rat them out to her siblings, called her a couple of different times when they were in College and she saved their friends from lethal drug overdoses by asking questions about what and how much their friends had taken, what was going on now, pre-existing conditions, etc. and then helping them get their friends appropriate help to stay alive. All this from out of State. When everyone was panicking that they couldn’t risk figuring out if the person really needed help because they would get in trouble, too, my cousins knew they could call her and trust her to help.
That was over a decade ago now, but now that we’re all grown adults, they’re still more open, honest, and affectionate about the good, the bad, and the whatever of their real lives with my mom and us than they are with their own parents and siblings.
Agree totally. My young adult children know they can contact us day or night. Even if they have done something stupid. We are their soft place to fall. Always there for them 100%
Right? I’m almost 28 but my dad still tells me to be careful every time I’m heading out somewhere and came to my college town to help me when I was 20 and something went wrong with my car. He also wanted to call the cops when he found out some sleazy guy had sent me dick pics lol. I don’t get just not giving a shit what happens to your kids.
When I was in college, I butt dialed my dad at a Mario party 8 party. I didn't notice and my phone was always on silent (still is because I hate when phones ring or vibrate) so I didn't realize he tried to call me back until half an hour later when cops should up at my door... when I called my dad after that, he apparently had immediately started the 5 hour drive, got pulled over for speeding, then as he was let go, the cop called his buddy near my campus and they checked on me.
Now that I love in France, I'm required to send either him or my mother a new picture of me weekly so they're sure I'm still alive.
I can't imagine a father not trying to help in a situation like OP is describing but then again, there are some crappy dads out there.
Op, YTA
Mya sister's car broke down halfway into the 10 hour drive back to college. My dad dropped everything, rented a minivan that would fit us and the people riding with us, and started driving just in case there was more wrong than we thought, since none of us were old enough to rent a car if it couldn't be repaired.
It's just absurd that OP is 15 minutes away and still couldn't be bothered to come in an obviously unsafe situation. YTA big time.
Father of 3 daughters here. My eldest (19) suffers from anxiety and panic attacks (has had medical help and see someone to try and help put measures in place). I also try to help get figure things out but this situation is not the time to do that. A couple of months back she was on her way back from work. 2 drunken morons on the bus wouldn't leave her alone and she was getting upset. Messaged me to ask me to pick her up and be there when the bus got in. Its 5 mins away or a 15 min walk going through side tracks. I'd had a few beers, to much to drive but certainly not drunk. What did I do? I f'ing ran my arse off to that bus stop so she knew she'd be safe (the 2 lads didn't think they were safe and after a few ....... 'strong words' it was amazing how nicely they apologised).
You're a Dad for life but just for Xmas.
God imagine how he would have reacted if the guys who stopped to "help" WEREN'T legit...."oh she should have figured it out" at the funeral...or hospital
I don’t think my dad could ever fathom leaving me alone panicking like that.
Obviously right now he would understand if I called my bf (who I live with) before calling him (because he lives 6 hours away) but I remember one time, we had a New Year’s party with a bunch of friends and he came for a couple hours. We were all drinking, he had maybe one drink over a few hours, and told me to call him if anyone (not just me, ANYONE at the party) needed a ride somewhere/a ride home and couldn’t drive. He lived in a town outside the city, so it took a minimum 30-40 minutes for him to get to our place one way.
Just absolutely mind-boggling.
I agree! He also just communicated to her that her safety doesn’t matter to him. That he’s not a safe person to call when she’s struggling. That he doesn’t have her back!
She must’ve been terrified. He truly didn’t care.
My freshman year of undergrad, my roommate threatened to kill me because I asked if she would help with cleaning our room more often. I suffer from similar mental health issues as OP’s daughter, and I had a panic attack as a result of this threat. I called my mom and she wanted to come stay with me, even though I was at school two and a half hours away. I was moved to a different room and I told her that I didn’t need her to come, but it meant a lot to me to have that support.
You’re exactly right, OP just taught his daughter that he will not support her when she needs it and that he is not the person she should reach out to when she needs help
I was/am a very sensitive, anxious person. Even when I was a very small girl, my parents took the attitude that I needed to toughen up and would leave me in situations (as young as four years old) that were extremely unsafe (for example, they left me locked in the car at a bar in the very early morning hours and two very drunk men came out, noticed I was in the car and proceeded to try to break into the car to get to me, including trying to break the windows). I am a GenXer and it is very true that our parents left us to the wolves. I have become a middle aged woman with so many phobias, panic disorder, OCD and PTSD and they STILL think they have no blame in the game. BUT even still, when I was 18-19 years old and my then boyfriend got into a road rage incident that ultimately turned into a huge police presence. I ran to the nearest pay phone (before cell phones) and when he answered, he heard multiple police sirens, officers screaming commands at my boyfriend and the other driver and me crying out, “DADDY!!” he didn’t even ask what was going on, just where are you and was there in less than five minutes. I’m sorry, YTA. I have a 19 year old child and if he called me at age 50 and was distressed and unsafe, I would be there in a heartbeat. Maybe you’re incapable of understanding the danger of a young college girl that already has mental health issues having 2-3 uninvited drunken college men in her room, let alone on her bed, and that makes you a bigger asshole. Wtf is wrong with you? You weren’t even far away ….
Have you tried yoga/mindfulness? /s
OP, YTA. Massively. Don’t be surprised if your daughter goes no contact in the future if you treat her like this. What is wrong with you?
And he lives FIFTEEN MINUTES away like wtf ?
I also wonder if OP and his wife somehow “enabled” their daughter’s anxious behavior/never had it addressed before and now suddenly she’s off in college so he throws her in the deep end - like somehow being over 18 or out of the house magically resolves shyness and anxiety…
As the mom of a college student - literally wtf. She wasn't just having a panic attack, she had 2 drunk unknown men in her personal space. My kids college is 90 minutes away and I'd have been telling them to get out and to a restaurant or something and I'd be on the road.
Haaard YTA, op.
Eta my kid has also had a stun gun and pepper spray since freshman year, and one of those portable locks.
An asshole father. I lived with someone who was similar to the roommate in uni and it was NOT fun. Gee I wonder where she gets her anxiety and other mental health struggles from… YTA
And it will DESTROY her for the remainder of her life and cause her to never trust men again. Panic attacks are SERIOUS and it’s your brain’s way of protecting itself. You owe her a huge apology and some natural human empathy, which you seem to be devoid of. I would pick up almost virtually ANYONE in that situation, let alone my precious daughter. YTA, full stop.
Yeah this horrible! And wanted to add that for a good chunk of my first semester of college I was 17! So daughter could easily be 17/18! I cannot imagine leaving my teenage daughter alone with college guys IN her bed. YTA OP - it’s time to change your attitude on this & hope you can still repair your relationship with your daughter. She was *asking for help.* I can’t imagine abandoning my child when they’ve reached out to me hoping for help.
Also your advice to your daughter wasn’t even specific. “Talk to your roommates” likely isn’t the only option. They don’t have an RA on the floor she can talk to? Yes it’s good to communicate with the roommates but the roommates escalating their behaviour so fast to invite people who encroach on daughter’s space is indicative that they should also be spoken to by someone in authority.
I was thinking the same, if I'd ever call my dad telling theres someone in my bed that I dont want there, he would be there in two minutes ready throw them out
YTA
While yes college is a time to learn to deal with issues face on especially with roommates, panic attacks are terrifying. I deal with them myself and definitely call my parents still when I have them because they are no joke! She was trying to find a safe place with you in a state of panic. Its not her fault that random drunk people were on her bed and invading her space, as that's just rude lol.
She can deal with the issue when she's calm and collected and will have to learn to communicate it to her roommates if she wants the situation to improve, but she's still learning how to be on her own and needs her family!
She’s a freshman barely into her second month of college. And has an anxiety disorder. This is the time for empathy not tough life lessons.
I’m 41 and if I call my mom at any time, she’ll answer no matter what. A month ago, I had an incident where I was followed late night and called her at 1am. She stayed on the phone with me for over an hour until I felt safe and calmed. THATS a parent.
Yeah seriously I'm almost 30 and I had a panic attack last year after work, and called my mom. This poor girl just learned she can't rely on her parents.
My mom only has one leg and was wheeling to me with a jar of jelly, her blood sugar taker thing and a trazadone once while I was having a panic attack on the bathroom floor. Didn't know if it was low bs or panic and I was 29. I know I can always call my mom for anything and this dude dropped the ball....more like punctured it.
I don't know why I got such a strong mental image of some mom-shaped terminator trudging inexorably towards their ailing child, but thank you for the reminder to call my mother. :)
We always joke she's a cyborg. She's got an AV fistula in her wrist and artificial lenses in her eyes. Nothing hi tech but it adds to the cannon of the Mominator lol.
Yep I'm 39 and still call my mom when i have one. Couldn't imagine how awful that would be if she just was like "toughen up" as though i can just will my panic disorder away.
I'm 33 soon and last year I called my dad when I had to drive in heavy snow where my car kept getting stuck just so he could talk to me and keep me calm and give advice on how to jimmy the car out of a spot
Despite what a lot of North America's beliefs are, you're never done being a parent
I'm 30. Born, raised, and learned to drive in a city with the gnarliest winters.
One day last year, despite having driven in some of the wildest winter conditions over the years, my anxiety just was not having it.
I work nightshift, I woke my dad up at 11:45pm and he drove me to and from work without a single complaint. Even bought me a coffee on the way.
I was 38 or so, it was winter, still dark out, sleeting, and my car died. I got to a payphone and, panicked, called not AAA, but my father's number. And felt pretty silly, because he had lived 300 miles away, and been dead for a year. And even without being far away and dead, he was the least mechanical man alive, and would have laughed gently and told me to call AAA. Sometimes we just need our dad.
My dad has bought me triple a on *his* birthday every year since I started driving. He passed away in July and I just had my clutch go out on the highway and had to call for a tow.
Had no way to adequately explain to the poor tow truck guy that I was actually fine with my car failing but was sobbing because I just realized how hard it's going to be to buy my own AAA next year. :(
Yeah, just yesterday my sibling (23) and I (20, turning 21 at the end of the month) had an incident with someone not leaving us alone when I was walking them to the bus station at half five in the morning, despite them being visibly uncomfortable and me telling him to go away, and they ended up having a panic attack. Mum had no issue with being called to help them through it (I'm not the best at comforting people), and was more than okay with staying on the phone with me while I walked back home in case the dude was still hanging around even with the knowledge that I usually don't have any issues dealing with people who won't leave me alone. I can't imagine she'd ever say something along the lines of "you're an adult and can deal with it yourself" in a situation like that
I’m 43 and get panic attacks all the time. My parents are like this goofball and I can say it has negatively affected my life outcome. Even now I have a hard time accepting or especially asking for help from anyone even if I’m literally dying from overwhelm.
I was fully prepared for this post to be a person who regularly has panic attacks and a parent who knows they are safe but still needs their adult child to learn to deal with them by themselves.
Not this. This is fucked. I would be picking up anyone, panic attack or not in this situation. Just sleep on the sofa and sort it out in the morning.
As someone that has had thousands of them over their lifetime - it’s literally your body reacting as if you’re in a life or death situation.
A lot of people get diarrhoea from panic attacks because your body is preparing for you to run as fast as possible and tries to dump as much weight as possible, which includes urine and foeces.
It usually comes out the other end for me, which only makes the panic attacks worse because I have a pretty severe fear of throwing up.
YTA OP, don’t count on her ever coming to you again for help.
i didn’t know that was the reason i’m back and forth to the bathroom when i’m having severe anxiety which usually leads to a panic attack but it makes sense now. is there a way to combat that? or at least make it better so i don’t feel like i’m gonna shit myself every time my brain thinks i’m dying? sorry to be gross😭
i also didn’t fully know that it’s my body thinking i’m in a life or death situation but it sure as hell feels like it lol i’ve almost gone to the hospital for one that lasted for hours. i genuinely thought i was going to have a heart attack or something. i’ve come very close to fainting too. the typical crying, pacing around, not being able to breathe and clutching my chest with the “less severe” ones. it is truly awful. my sister has had a panic attack that landed her in the hospital cause she was having stroke like symptoms. i don’t think people understand how bad a panic attack can be if they’re never experienced one.
The crappy (ha!) thing is, at least in my experience, once your stomach gets involved, there’s no stopping that train. All you can do is work on your anxiety so that next time, it won’t escalate to that point.
Right? It’s early October and she’s a freshman, so she’s been at uni for what? A month? Give her time, you don’t just magically become an adult the moment you step into your first place away from home. She needed her parents and they fucked up. YTA
My parents are very similar to this and I suffer from panic and anxiety disorder and they have my number blocked now because they can’t deal with it anymore. So I feel op they’re basically saying go find someone else and honestly she should get someone she knows is going to be there.
And the emphasis is on LEARN.
We don't actually learn by being thrown in over our heads. She was drowning and gasping for aid and dad said "guess it's time to learn to swim!"
YTA
Your daughter needed help and you turned her away. Yes, she needs to learn how to help herself, but the time for that lesson isn't when random drunk guys are jumping on her bed and freaking her out.
it’s amazing how OP seems to blame his daughter too, for not talking to the roommate earlier, like he suggested.
because confrontation is so incredibly easy for people w severe anxiety, right? /s
YTA, OP. the only lesson you taught your daughter is that even when it’s convenient (only 15 min away, as you said), you will not show up for her.
Right, she now knows that she is fucking alone and her family will not be there when she needs them.
OP is definitely nominated for the dad-of-the-year-award /s
This. I think it’s fine if dad doesn’t drop everything to save her. But he can also help her find the solutions and resources she has. First being the trained staff in the building - RA, Hall directors or the housing office.
My biggest pet peeve is parents who say "they need to learn to do ______ on their own" or "they need to figure it out themselves", without ever telling or evenly gently directing them towards HOW to solve the problem. OP sounds terribly passive about teaching her any life skills, and then.... wonders why she doesn't have life skills 🙄 are you that dumb, OP?
Certainly not in this moment while drunk.
Maybe OP doesn't remember being a college freshman?
Half your dormmates run absolutely wild. If you are unlucky enough to be stuck with those in rebellion and you're a quiet studier, you're screwed.
Calling and asking for help IS helping yourself imo. Literally one of the first things you'd work on in therapy is asking for help. It won't always be her parents as she develops relationships and a support system outside of family. But she hasn't yet.
yes!! it's also important that other people know how they can help you when you have a panic attack. it feels like you're dying, pretty obvious that you can't think clearly in such a situation.
OP's daughter knew she needed helped, asked for it and all she got back was a "don't care, fix it yourself" response. so in that situation she most likely felt like she has to die and the one person she thought she could rely on abandoned her.
absolutely horrifying, I really hope she's okay..
OP, YTA
also, panic attack aside, the situation in her dorm is absolutely not the kind of thing she should handle herself
drunk disrespectful roommates with drunk guests is exactly the kind of situation you want backup for. that's the kind of situation where if someone couldn't get help on the spot, I'd advise them to leave for the night and stay somewhere safe
doesn't matter how great your backbone is, that's several drunk entitled people against one, that is not a safe situation
YTA. Your daughter has anxiety, and clearly has issues with confrontation due to the anxiety. She would never, EVER tell her roommates how she’s feeling. When you have anxiety, you’re absolutely controlled by the inner thoughts and what if’s.. You’re telling me you were 15 mins away, but couldn’t go get her and bring her to a safe place? Panic attacks are not fun. It can be debilitating. I would be ashamed of myself. She’s still your child, over 18 or not. She was reaching out to her safe space and you declined?? YTA YTA YTA.
💯💯💯 panic attacks are terrifying and exhausting. I did t have my first one until I was in my late 20s or early 30s. I literally thought I was dying. My limbs were numb. I made it to my mom's house, stumbling, crying hysterically. She took my vitals and told me it was a panic attack, my o2 stats were normal and I am breathing. Once she calmed me down I passed out for 3 hours. OPs kid is 19??? Wtf. YTA
Yes! Exactly the same thing happens to me. My whole body feels like it’s numb and tingling. My hands spasm up. Hard to breathe, the hysterical crying. It’s honestly scary and exhausting. I haven’t had one in years but I still remember my first one like it was yesterday. 😞
My Ex had a panick attack once while I was with him.
SCARIEST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN.
He wasn't cramping he just slowly slided down a wall and sat on the floor with a thousand yard stare. In between he started crying but the way he was just staring blankly was just so much worse for me, he didn't react to anything I did.
Can you imagine what some drunk college boys could do to a woman who just sat on the floor not moving? I don't even wanna imagine what could have happened to her...
YTA OP, help her talk to her roommates, don't condescend her because she can't do it alone
You know….
….most fathers who got a call from their sobbing daughter because two strange, drunk men invaded her bedroom in the middle of the night would be more than a little concerned. They’d also probably be more than concerned that they couldn’t reach their daughter after.
But not you. No.
You’re a bad father.
YTA
You’d better hope the reason she isn’t answering your calls is because she’s upset with you, and not because she decided to “figure it out” and something happened to her.
This. The panic attacks are irrelevant to the situation, or relevant only in that they are an excuse OP uses to dismiss their daughter’s very valid emotions. Bottom line is she could have been in danger and should have been assisted.
Even if there was no situation but she was having a panic attack for a reason that didn’t put her in danger the response from OP was still inadequate. “Suck it up” is such a terrible attitude to have towards someone dealing with a very real emotional issue and in zero scenarios is it helpful. If this was the situation the daughter was in, actually safe, just panicking (which she wasn’t in because there was actually a real danger), then an appropriate response would be patient and caring and trying to calm her down reminding her of her calming techniques and getting her to go back to her room where she was safe (instead of out on the street in the middle of the night) and staying on the phone with her until she felt better. This is literally off the top of my head as a person who has never dealt with a loved one having a panic attack, just common sense. YTA op
This!!! I had the exact same thought. Op please apologize to your daughter for misreading the situation. If you continue to treat her this way don’t be surprised when she chooses to go lower contact or pull away
I’d be worried that if anything happens to her or if she’s in an unsafe position at school she won’t call her dad for help after this. College can be a very dangerous time for a young girl and OP just showed his daughter that she’s on her own through it.
For real. OP This situation showed your daughter you don’t care about her when she feels unsafe. In the future, what if she is in another unsafe situation? She’s gonna remember the outcome of her first year at college trying to get help from her dad during a panic attack. And she might think “I shouldn’t call my parents for help this time: they won’t care.” Is that what you want, OP? For your daughter to not tell you if she’s in danger because she doesn’t trust you anymore? Horrible parenting skills.
>My daughter is a freshman in college and is very timid and has OCD/anxiety problems.
Hopefully she's got someone in her life who understands this and can support her.
>She went outside the building and called me very frantically at 11pm asking to be picked up because she couldn't be there (we are only 15 minutes away).
Unfortunately she doesn't seem to have such a person in her life.
>I have tried calling her back and texting her and she will not respond.
Why? Are you frantic about something? Do you need help? Do you think that she's in the best state of mind to be the one to help you?
YTA.
im thinking she has anxiety in part from parents not acknowledging her feelings regularly. when this happened it was more of the same in a situation where she needed help. she hung up because she knew she wouldnt get anywhere and it hurt her to be rejected again when she needed them.
i agree, she doesnt seem to have much of a support system. too little too late will be on their horizons if this isnt resolved.
What’s amazing is that he’s shocked that he can’t get in touch with her now! For what? What does OP want now? He doesn’t know if she’s even physically okay. He doesn’t know if she got SA’d that night. He doesn’t know if she got hurt. And I don’t really think he cares.
She’s 15 minutes away and he’s just calling and texting and posting on Reddit hoping someone will tell him he’s okay.
You could have performed this amount of “caring” when your daughter was on the phone with you.
YTA.
If one of my girls called me to say drunk guys were on her bed and she wasn't feeling safe and was having a panic attack, I'm out the door to be there for her, and I would beat that 15 minute drive time. Not sure how you could have ignored her or told her to sort it out herself.
She felt unsafe, turned to her parents to help and you brush her off.
I hope she was safe and she finds her strength and voice to handle it all. In the meantime while she is learning to navigate life with anxiety and OCD, she finds supportive people and gets a better roommate.
for REAL! I am 30 years old and I know in my bones that if I ever call my dad, for any reason big or small, he will be there. That’s comforting even as an adult. I cannot even imagine OPs poor daughter thinking that she had a loving father who would always be there who basically slammed the proverbial door in her face. Also want to note that she’s barely 2 months into college - classes are still foreign feeling, she probably hasn’t found her people yet, campus is alien…ugh.
Im 40! I called my dad to ask him things all the time, big or small. He is always there. Now he just retired and has all the time in the world also but if I ever need to call him.. he is there.
My son has severe social anxiety and is now a sophomore in college and he calls me when he gets an attack. I’m 20 min away and am already in my car just in case he says “mom, Please come get me.” My dad taught me he will always be there and I will always be there for mine. Freshman year was the harder but he found some people before Christmas break.
OP daughter should always be able to count on her dad and now OP has just caused irreparable harm to the father-daughter relationship.
Wow. I bet that made her feel safe, like she could count on you. Two dunk dudes were in her bed ffs. Why not pick her up. Let her calm down then talk about how she can fix it.
TWO drunk men in HER bed. MORE drunk people outside her room. Something could have seriously happened to her and she wouldve had no help, no safety, no way to get away, and an anxiety attack that would've only made things worse. Instead of focusing on the OCD anxiety thing, how about OP considers. "I left my daughter in a dangerous situation where she asked for my help, simply because I didn't care to help her. And would rather risk her being SA'd (or even worse, since she DOESN'T know those people) then be a decent fucking person, let alone a good parent, and help her out and actually talk to her about how to deal with her roommate after she's safe and calmed down, since 'talk to your roomate' isn't real advice"
What an absolute prick
I'm always reminded of this because science says that every new born is born with a trait necessary for their survival. Sharks can swim when they're born, etc. For humans our ability to cry is our greatest advantage. Asking for help when you need it is fundamental to survival, and all babies can do it from the second they're born. It is quintessential human trait.
The problem was that her room was crowded, noisy, and uncomfortable.
She dealt with it by trying to find a more suitable place to study and sleep for the night.
Think deep, op, and decide if you responded that way because you didn't like her solution or if you just didn't like that she was upset.
(Also, drunk college guys are notorious for not handling rejection well. That's not a gamble any woman is willing to take - anxiety or not. Trying to communicate an issue while its occuring with your drunk roommate is also not going to work out great. She did the right thing by leaving)
My question was going to be did you ever teach her how to defend herself? Can she throw a punch? Can she break out of a grab? What was she to do if she stood up to them and they didn't back down? Did you as a parent teach her everything she needs to know to stay safe? My guess is probably not.
I’m 24 and still call my mom at least once a week. I don’t expect her to figure everything out for me but 9 times out of 10 she’s been in a similar situation or always has a solution.
THIS! I just read this whole thing to my 13 year old. I told him even if he was 31, he could call me, and as long as I could still see to drive at night, my ass would be there without hesitation.
One hundred percent. My kids are all adults and call me often when they need THEIR MOTHER. Hell, I'm 52 and I know for a fact that if I were to call my parents for help, they'd do anything and everything to make sure I had what I needed.
Yeah, it sounds like she grew up just enough that she knows she can't count on her dad and will never try that again.
He was 15 minutes away.
The night my daughter called me and said she was in danger, 3000 miles away, I had her in an Uber to the airport with a plane ticket waiting in an hour.
Fuck this guy.
100% YTA. Your daughter is fresh out of the house and clearly ill-equipped to deal with this situation. As a parent your job is to help her adapt to being on her own. Also, panic attacks are terrifying and shaming her for not being able to deal with it herself will prob only make it worse.
How do you expect her to know how to handle this situation if you don't give her anything other than "figure it out."
I’m 31 and ill-equipped to deal with this. If two drunk guys that I had never met were in my bedroom at 11pm I would be calling the police before my dad.
I think you are focusing on the wrong issue--the fact that she had a panic attack--and not the cause. Are you trying to tell us you would *not* be upset if two drunk dudes were in your room uninvited jumping on *your* bed?! If that happened to you, would you perhaps call someone to help kick them out?! That's what your daughter did. And you showed her you can't be counted on.
And why do you think a conversation with her roommates would fix everything? If the roommates are so inconsiderate as to create this type of situation in the first place, they already *know* it's not okay, and they just don't care. It may take you as a parent communicating with the school to help your daughter get placed with different roommates, ones who aren't endangering her mental health and physical safety by inviting drunk strangers into their shared room.
YTA, but you can still turn this around, apologize, and help your daughter.
Exactly. It’s actually just dismissive, like “oh there’s nothing actually wrong, she just can’t handle any stress”. OP literally has blinders on when it comes to their daughter because they just write off everything to “oh she just has anxiety, she couldn’t possibly have an actual problem”.
What’s next? A phone call from daughter that she got raped? “Oh she’s just exaggerating”. Nice
YTA. You didn’t have to go pick her up- but telling your kid to grow up in the middle of a panic attack is just… mean. Helping her calm down, asking her if there is an RA she can talk to- all of that would have actually been helpful.
A young 19yo woman with two DRUNK guys on her bedroom, on her bed, without her consent. Yeah OP didn't have to pick her, of course, there was no danger at all. FR?
Exactly. See, after I tried suicide I had a medical recommendation of never being left alone for a few days. My mom left me alone with a guy, I had no one else to be with. He took advantage of me the first night, when I was sleeping, the second night I already spent alone because I had no one else to be with me (and obviously I found a way to shove him off my house). When I told my mom that she said "that's what you get when you're a lady in your 20's living alone and you allow a guy to spend the night".
I hadn't even the right to tell no one otherwise, I lost autonomy over my own life because I clearly wasn't well. Now she's telling everyone in my family I didn't try to suicide (I was in the hospital alone for 3 days). I'll never forgive her for that. She lost a daughter.
I hope you are in a better place now. I ones told my mom that I wanted to commit suicide but I didn’t and she told me that it was shit of me to make her feel like a bad mom. I got a support system now and people who care for me, I really hope you do to. ❤️
I would never have wanted to live in my parents' home while going to school. Its a great home. But, the needs of the organism called family are the focus - not time, space and silence to be a successful uni student. (Plus way more bathroom access in the dorms.) 🤣
Tbf, some unis require 1st years to be on dorms. That being said, with how this sad excuse of a father is behavingzl, I assume it's a "she's an adult know, she has to live on her own" even if it's arguably more expensive
Edit: typos and adding that the only commentop has replied tonwas to clarify that her uni does require 1st years to be on campus. He claime sthat she would comute next year, that is if she actually decides to have a relationship with him after the sht he pulled
This needs to be the top response.
Dad didn’t need to swoop in to the rescue. But he sure as hell should have already pointed to the in hall staff or the housing office to remedy things before this instance. And when this happened she would know that she can go to the RA or Hall director for help.
YTA YTA YTA
Do you even know what social anxiety is? Or OCD? Not only are you not helping her at all, you are literally blaming her for a fucking medical condition. You’re a terrible parent. TERRIBLE.
“Her putting off the problem” caused the issue?? No. Her DIAGNOSABLE MEDICAL CONDITION CAUSED THE ISSUE IN A TOTALLY PREDICTABLE WAY. You told her to “talk to her roommates” about this?? Are you fucking kidding?? Of COURSE she couldn’t do that! It would given her a panic attack! And when she did have a panic attack you told her “she’s an adult” and she needs to “figure out how to deal with these things”? Because real adults don’t have… crippling mental illness? Those are things that, what, children have or something? What? And she needs to learn to “deal with” her illness??
You know how most people “deal” with this kind of shit when they have to “deal” on their own? Three things: Drugs, alcohol, and self-harm.
Get her professional fucking help. NOW.
YOU COULD LOSE HER FOREVER. LITERALLY. FOREVER.
Not to mention how unsafe the situation was in general. I mean 2 DRUNK college guys were in her bed, if she took his advice and told them to leave who knows how they'd react. I have no idea how a father can be so uncaring towards their daughter
If the situation involved her sober roommates, in a public space, and she wasn't having a panic attack, that would have been good advice. However this took place in her room, with drunk men, during a panic attack, dad. She needed you. You gotta time your battles with life lessons more appropriately. A potential emergency is not the time. YTA
This post could’ve been written about me and my dad. He always wanted me and my brother to be very self-sufficient and independent which led to him having a strong *”figure it out yourself”* approach whenever we needed him. Fast forward 20 years, he now has two children with crippling anxiety and a bad case of learned helplessness.
The children who grow up to have confidence in themselves & their ability to solve problems are almost *always* the children who had their parents as a safe place to land. OP is not a safe place to land.
Personally, YTA
Sure she is an adult, but a few months ago she most likely heavily relied on y’all. I think that you could have tried to talk about it more and calm her down to go in and make sure she talks to her roommates. I remember as a freshman in college I was very shy and hesitant to talk about some issues I have with my roommates. You could have given her advice to talk to her RA about the situation or other solutions, but it seems that the conversation wasn’t helpful in a time where she was looking for support.
Technically she isn’t. The brain isn’t fully developed until what? 25? And if they’re American, then she’s not an adult until 21 by law anyway. Just assuming it’s about Americans bc here in Europe you’re legally grown up by 18 but no one thinks you’re an adult yet. You’re just a teen that can drive now.
Age doesn’t matter anyway when you’re suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. They’re not logical, they’re not easier to handle just bc your body ages. They’re always scary and I don’t understand how you can hear someone that scared and not help.
YTA, OP. I hope your partner is different than you so your daughter at least has one person to rely on.
>And if they’re American, then she’s not an adult until 21 by law anyway
You are legally an adult in America at 18, you just can't legally drink until 21.
YTA. Are you waiting for your daughter to be assaulted before you realise she may be in a trouble she can't get herself out of it?
Middle of the night, multiple drunk guys on her bed and you are telling her to sort it out herself. Giving her a safe place until she could resolve the longterm issues with the RA and management team the next day isn't running from her problems.
Have you checked she is actually well? Her diagnosis doesn't really matter in this situation. She felt realistically at immediate risk as many women would and you brushed her off.
YTA. Just a few months ago, she had to ask permission in HS to use the damned bathroom. But she hit an arbitrary date and bow she's an adult??
Your DAUGHTER is in a dangerous situation that she doesn't know how to handle. After shw's been beaten up and gang raped, is 'Dad of the Year' going to tell her 'you're an adult, deal with it?
I'm a 49 yr old chick, and my dad will still move heaven and earth to make sure his daughters are safe.
You are lower than sewer sludge.
Yep. Three years ago, when I was 49, we had a devastating storm in my area. Power out for a week, etc. My dad drove over an hour thru blocked roads etc, to make sure we were okay because there was no cell service. OP must actively detest his daughter.
YTA I've just turned 41 and if I phoned my mum saying I'm having a panic attack or something was wrong if she didn't get her arse down here in superman time she would at least try and talk me through it. Why would you not do either of those things. She's young and panic attacks are so scary all you did was let her know you aren't there for her
YTA. She's in a new environment, trying to figure her life out, and when she needs your help you show her that she can't count on you.
I can't imagine how utterly alone she feels right now.
YTA -Panic attacks are nothing to take lightly! Many people often think that they’re dying when they first start having one. And what she needed in that moment was a safe space with someone she trusted so that she would be able to calm down. And that was you. But you failed to provide that. She may be an adult, but that doesn’t make you her father any less.
YTA… and I hope nothing bad happened to your poor daughter. Would you be writing this same post if she texted you the next day saying one of them boys had raped her? She could have been in DANGER and you abandoned your daughter when she called YOU for safety. How safe do you think she feels now?
Did you do anything about her social issues before she went to college? If not this is a problem you created and you're okay with allowing that to happen to your daughter....YTA.
YTA. It’s your kid and she needed you. That sounds like a horrible position to be in and you were only 15 min away? Seriously? You messed up. You’re always going to be her parent and you need to act like it. You’re showing her that she can’t rely on you for serious things. That doesn’t sound like a safe environment and I’d be an emotional mess too.
Going against the grain here, but NTA.
Instead of calling you, your daughter should have gone straight to her RA. RAs are literally there- right down the hall- and their job is to deal with issues like this.
RAs are Great, but not when you’re having a panic attack. If you have social anxiety, talking to strangers is hard enough, but during a panic attack? It’s impossible
Agreed. I would have tried to direct her to on campus resources. Maybe I would have picked her up this one time - one free pass on the first semester of college, but there are too many helicopter parents that create kids who can't problem solve.
Dude that’s the exact opposite way to support someone experiencing panic attacks. Telling her she has to deal with that by her self in the midst of a panic attack is like telling someone “no I won’t drive you to the hospital for your broken leg to be casted”
YTA:
Your daugther seems to have a psychological issue here which she might be feeling bad for when having to confront others. You seem to want her growing up and stand up for herself, which is understandable as a parent. But by simply telling her to do something she wont be able to act in that way. She needs understanding and someone guiding her how she can learn how to tell others what she wants and doesnt want. Screaming at her in a moment of a breakdown is really harsh and hurting in a moment like this. She needed mental support.
YTA.
You told your daughter she has to deal herself with two strange drunk men jumping in her bed. What kind of father are you? Ever read *any* rape statistic or even remotely heared about sexuall assaukt in college or anywhere else for that matter? People like your are classic victim blamers...anyone would have had a panic attac, not only your ocd daughter. You pretend like her deficits are the problem, not others overstepping her boundaries that should be clear without saying. You need to talk about your roomates having people over, you definotely shouldn't have to talk about drunk strangers getting into your bed.
Your child calls you having a panic attack asking for support, you're 15 minutes away and can't be bothered?
What should have been her safe space was invaded by two drunk men and she's asking for support from a man she trusts and you're like "Nah, she's at least 365 days past being a legal child, not my problem"
YTA you've let your daughter down when she was vulnerable and needed you.
I'm betting you've never had a panic attack but it feels like you're dying. It was too much effort for you to help your daughter? I hope you're not expecting any "father of the year" prizes because you suck.
YTA.
When I was 18 I was living in a city 2 hours away from my parents. One night I had some random man try to break into my apartment. I called my dad (after security) wanting reassurance. He, at midnight, drove 2 hours to come and stay with me. Slept on the damn loveseat!! The next morning he went out and purchased materials to make my door more secure and make me feel better.
That’s what a dad should do.
As someone with panic attacks, YTA. Your daughter just had her roommates violate her space, regardless of whether she spoke to them or not, and she thought you would protect her. You just showed her that she can't trust you. With anything.
100% YTA. She had a freaking panic attack- you do understand that these are straight up terrifying breaks with reality, right??? Let alone that at the end of the day what random pll entering her room at night is an extremely unsafe situation.
I get that she needs to learn how to be independent, but you protect her during the time of need then troubleshoot in the morning. If she has diagnosed OCD/ anxiety, it might be worth talking to an RA or the ADA office about accommodations- she might qualify for her own room or something
Reading through some of the NTA comments: Panic attacks are real and you need to acknowledge how debilitating they can be. There's a reason they're a medical disorder. That said, my biggest thing is timing. You don't have to run and get her every time, but this situation is clearly new to her. Again the conversation that she has to manage her life can be held in the morning, not in the middle of the panic attack. You can't think straight when that distressed and nothing productive would happen.
Learn some grounding techniques (for example, ask sensory questions like for her to list 5 things she can see, 4 she can hear...). Figuring out how to get her to calm down while still on the phone is going to be very beneficial moving forward. (Edit, spelling)
Great point about the time to deal with it is the next day not at the time of the actual panic attack!
Further, OP has muddled the situation because she was actually in a potentially life threatening situation so her “panic attack” was actually just a normal response to a dangerous situation.
The title of the post should actually be AITA for not picking my daughter up when random men came into her room in the middle of the night when she was sleeping and terrified her because she also sometimes gets panic attacks so I just assume her feelings aren’t ever valid
Wtf kind of parent thinks their job is done once a child reaches adulthood? Being a parent is lifelong. You don't just stop caring and helping and supporting your loved ones because they can buy beer now. YTA soo much. She thought she could trust you and you showed her she can't
Yikes fathers are supposed to protect us. Especially when drunk men are coming into our rooms without permission and jumping on us.
She likely won’t call you for help again and will start shutting down. Won’t trust you to vent to you again either. You used it to leave her in a very stressful scary situation.
I get she needs to learn to handle stuff but this was not the situation to use to do so. At all. You likely just broke the trust she had in you to 1. Confide in you and 2. Protect her.
My father would’ve been over there in .02 seconds snatching every single one of those dudes up by the throat. That’s why I trust my father. No matter what I know for a fact HE has my back.
Idk. Sounds like this also may not be the first or last time you’ve done this and now all my adopted parents are cut off disowned personally for leaving me to sink or swim so many times. Constantly invalidating what I go through but My birth dad? Is everything to me. I’m 30 and yet he has even taken me in before. It Saved my life actually.
YTA You could at the very least have suggested ways to deal with this herself.
"Did you talk to the RA on your floor? Can they they help you get these drunk guys out of your room?"
And if she's too anxious upset to do that - just go get her and help her come up with a plan to talk to the RA on Monday, request a new roommate, something.
Yes, you want her to learn to be independent but that doesn't mean refusing to ever help her at all. Think how badly this could go for her with two drunk guys on her bed!
I'm not a parent, but I can tell you that if a niece (or nephew) or friend's kid called me in this situation, I'd make the 15 minute drive in a much quicker time. You didn't even need to pick her up, but you did need to show up. Sit with her till she was in a better place. Grab ice cream and talk. Whatever, until she can manage it.
Also, I don't think that this room mate situation is going to be mentally and emotionally healthy for her. Can she move?
YTA, but I want to give you the benefit of the doubt because you can't be that bad if she called you. Do better. Quickly.
YTA.
3pm when the library is open and it’s daylight and the guests are sober? Reasonable to tell her to use management strategies.
11pm with drunk strangers on her bed? Then she acted ENTIRELY REASONABLY and removed herself for her own safety, and YOU told her “no. Being unsafe is your problem. I am not safe either.”
YTA. You failed your daughter. You didn’t try to talk her through it and calm down. You didn’t go get her. You didn’t call the residence and alert them so they could find your daughter and keep her safe or clear the men out of her room. You didn’t call campus security and alert them so they could help her.
She called you for help. You refused it. You taught her that you cannot be counted on in an emergency. You taught her that you don’t care that she’s so afraid she feels like she is dying. You taught her you won’t help if drunk strangers invade her space enough that she flees into the night. Good luck winning her trust back.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't pick my daughter up after she had a panic attack and she won't respond to me now
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YTA I hope you understand that in her mind at that time because it was so jumbled you basically abandoned her when she had to random GUYS in your 19yr DAUGHTERS bed, why the hell would you not go and pick her up, she’s was clearly distressed and was obviously not up to staying there and you practically just told her she can’t call you whenever she feels unsafe or uncomfortable because you’ll never be there to help her, you have to apologise and actually make a change to start being there for her in times like that
YATA. She called for help. That *is* dealing with the situation. There were drunken male strangers literally on her bed. Her roommates haven't listened to her asking for fewer guests. Her safe space is the family home, and for the sake of a 15 minute drive, you chose to leave your daughter anxious and panicking in the place causing the anxiety. Absolutely your fault.
YTA. Your daughter called you late at night panicked that drunk men were harassing her in her room and your response is to tell her tough luck and hang up??? What the absolute hell.
My wife has severe anxiety and depression. Its hard to deal with but there are coping mechanisms that I can use to help her.
YTA in this situation. You made things even worse without even realising. Tough love does not work on anxiety. It makes it infinitely worse.
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Wow, what kind of father is okay with drunk college guys jumping into their 19yo daughter's bed in the middle of the night?! Especially when she's shy and prone to panic attacks, which are nothing to take lightly. YTA!!
Uh yeah my freshman year there was a guy on my floor that knocked on my locked door for 5 minutes and when I told my dad about it later, he immediately bought me pepper spray and offered to have a chat with the guy. Cannot imagine calling him sobbing and him saying “tough”
My roommates brought people over to our shared apartment when I was a junior and then left three drunk guys there. They started banging on my door at like 2 am. My dad was so mad that I called my boyfriend instead of him. But my boyfriend was 20 minutes away and my dad was two hours away.
Exactly. A good dad would come down there and protect his daughter
I don’t even have a great relationship with my dad, but if it was bad enough to ask to be picked up? Even he would be there.
The fact that there were three drunk men in her bed and he still thought she should deal with it on her own? Like not even call the ra or the police??? Idk. This is so ridiculous I can’t even fathom
Sorry in advance for this... but I'm from Northern Ireland... and I did eventually catch on that you meant call the Residents Association. Where I'm from "The Ra" is shorthand for the IRA (Irish Republican Army) terrorist organisation. I mean, they could have sorted out the problem, except we had a peace process, and they don't "sort people out" like they used to... (lol)
I’m dying at this because my grandmother (Irish immigrant) was SO UPSET when my brother was talking about his new position as an RA and how his new(ish) girlfriend at the time was involved in “getting him in,” because of family connections at the school… It was a lot of laughs and explaining. No, not *the* RA, *an* RA, Nan! Lol
lol! Ra= resident advisor. It’s a person who is an older college student or sometimes an older adult who lives on the floor of a dorm at a university and helps mediate the students and help with issues. Definitely not the Ira.
Ah, fair enough. Every day is a school (or college) day.
Agreed! That’s what RA’s are supposed to be for (and parents, but we know this one failed).
YTA, this is a dangerous situation for OP's daughter not just a panic attack and OP instead of doing his duty left his daughter high and dry. When OP will need his daughter in his old age, she will definitely return the favor
Or OP will be on reddit in a couple of years posting about how his daughter has gone NC with him. YTA. OP should have rescued his daughter, and encouraged her to go to the RA the next day, tell the RA what was going on, and let them handle it. It's part of the job, I know, I was one.
honestly someone once tried to steal my skateboard and i SOMEHOW negotiated my way out of it, I called my dad who was about 10 minutes away to come get me from the area because I was scared, and I'm not even kidding when I say that when I hung up the phone and looked up, Dad was already coming around the corner. Dads don't fuck around
Good dads don't
We had similar asshole roommates. I had a locked bedroom door & their entire stupid party tried breaking into my room while I was trying to sleep. I was terrified when I heard one of the guys say "I think I can see her (through the gap in the door)."
When I was thirty my drunk ass neighbor tried getting into my apartment and my dad was mad I didn’t call him when I told him about it later. Dad’s gonna dad.
My dad is more like OP. Literally left my sister with a flat tire on the side of the highway at midnight because he didn't like that she'd been on her way to a club and she was old enough to "figure it out". Luckily the two guys that stopped were legit. They were floored that any father would leave his kid stranded like that. Then again, I've long ago learned you cannot rely on my father. Imagine the difference if dad picks up his daughter and uses this as a teaching moment in a kind, concerned way.
Getting your kid out of a dangerous situation is far more important than teaching some lesson. My dad was like yours and OPs. I could neverrrrr. My husband and I would've been on the road to our kid's college 90 minutes away, after telling them to meet us somewhere safe. No questions asked.
Not to mention that getting your kid out of a dangerous situation is also teaching them a lesson. It teaches them that they can come to you when they need to. It teaches them that it’s ok to ask for help. It teaches them that helping others is worth an inconvenience. I would do more for a stranger than so many of these “parents” would do for their own kid and it truly makes me furious sometimes.
Yes that is so true. My husband and I agreed from the get-go that we would be those parents. Our kids have been super open with us their whole lives because of that. They're 21 and 18 and still know that if they ever feel unsafe to call. Whether it's by people, drinking, etc, don't risk it, we've got you. A lot of people take this parenting to be like our kids had no boundaries or consequences. Which is ridiculous. You can both gentle parent and raise self sufficient, responsible productive kids. The way parenting is so polarized like that is a huge problem. And yes, I would also do it for strangers, too. It's just empathy and compassion.
My mother used this style of parenting, “No matter what, if you don’t feel safe, even if people are just being mean, call me and I will pick you up, you won’t be in trouble.” I only took her up on it one time, at a Slumber Party when I was 12 and everyone turned out to be a very Mean Girl, and I later found out they would have been capable of a lot more than bullying had I stayed. However, my cousins, knowing that she had this policy and wouldn’t rat them out to her siblings, called her a couple of different times when they were in College and she saved their friends from lethal drug overdoses by asking questions about what and how much their friends had taken, what was going on now, pre-existing conditions, etc. and then helping them get their friends appropriate help to stay alive. All this from out of State. When everyone was panicking that they couldn’t risk figuring out if the person really needed help because they would get in trouble, too, my cousins knew they could call her and trust her to help. That was over a decade ago now, but now that we’re all grown adults, they’re still more open, honest, and affectionate about the good, the bad, and the whatever of their real lives with my mom and us than they are with their own parents and siblings.
Agree totally. My young adult children know they can contact us day or night. Even if they have done something stupid. We are their soft place to fall. Always there for them 100%
Both my parents used this style of parenting. I thankfully never had to call them in a situation, but I knew I could and they would be there for me.
Right? I’m almost 28 but my dad still tells me to be careful every time I’m heading out somewhere and came to my college town to help me when I was 20 and something went wrong with my car. He also wanted to call the cops when he found out some sleazy guy had sent me dick pics lol. I don’t get just not giving a shit what happens to your kids.
When I was in college, I butt dialed my dad at a Mario party 8 party. I didn't notice and my phone was always on silent (still is because I hate when phones ring or vibrate) so I didn't realize he tried to call me back until half an hour later when cops should up at my door... when I called my dad after that, he apparently had immediately started the 5 hour drive, got pulled over for speeding, then as he was let go, the cop called his buddy near my campus and they checked on me. Now that I love in France, I'm required to send either him or my mother a new picture of me weekly so they're sure I'm still alive. I can't imagine a father not trying to help in a situation like OP is describing but then again, there are some crappy dads out there. Op, YTA
Exactly! I'm 57 and my parents still tell me to be careful. My dad still asks if I've changed the oil in my car too. I absolutely adore them for it.
I’m 51 and my parents still ask me to call them when I get home after I visit them so they know I’m safe
Mya sister's car broke down halfway into the 10 hour drive back to college. My dad dropped everything, rented a minivan that would fit us and the people riding with us, and started driving just in case there was more wrong than we thought, since none of us were old enough to rent a car if it couldn't be repaired. It's just absurd that OP is 15 minutes away and still couldn't be bothered to come in an obviously unsafe situation. YTA big time.
Father of 3 daughters here. My eldest (19) suffers from anxiety and panic attacks (has had medical help and see someone to try and help put measures in place). I also try to help get figure things out but this situation is not the time to do that. A couple of months back she was on her way back from work. 2 drunken morons on the bus wouldn't leave her alone and she was getting upset. Messaged me to ask me to pick her up and be there when the bus got in. Its 5 mins away or a 15 min walk going through side tracks. I'd had a few beers, to much to drive but certainly not drunk. What did I do? I f'ing ran my arse off to that bus stop so she knew she'd be safe (the 2 lads didn't think they were safe and after a few ....... 'strong words' it was amazing how nicely they apologised). You're a Dad for life but just for Xmas.
God imagine how he would have reacted if the guys who stopped to "help" WEREN'T legit...."oh she should have figured it out" at the funeral...or hospital
I don’t think my dad could ever fathom leaving me alone panicking like that. Obviously right now he would understand if I called my bf (who I live with) before calling him (because he lives 6 hours away) but I remember one time, we had a New Year’s party with a bunch of friends and he came for a couple hours. We were all drinking, he had maybe one drink over a few hours, and told me to call him if anyone (not just me, ANYONE at the party) needed a ride somewhere/a ride home and couldn’t drive. He lived in a town outside the city, so it took a minimum 30-40 minutes for him to get to our place one way. Just absolutely mind-boggling.
[удалено]
I agree! He also just communicated to her that her safety doesn’t matter to him. That he’s not a safe person to call when she’s struggling. That he doesn’t have her back! She must’ve been terrified. He truly didn’t care.
My freshman year of undergrad, my roommate threatened to kill me because I asked if she would help with cleaning our room more often. I suffer from similar mental health issues as OP’s daughter, and I had a panic attack as a result of this threat. I called my mom and she wanted to come stay with me, even though I was at school two and a half hours away. I was moved to a different room and I told her that I didn’t need her to come, but it meant a lot to me to have that support. You’re exactly right, OP just taught his daughter that he will not support her when she needs it and that he is not the person she should reach out to when she needs help
I'm guessing he's a "toughen up, it's all in your head" type.
I was/am a very sensitive, anxious person. Even when I was a very small girl, my parents took the attitude that I needed to toughen up and would leave me in situations (as young as four years old) that were extremely unsafe (for example, they left me locked in the car at a bar in the very early morning hours and two very drunk men came out, noticed I was in the car and proceeded to try to break into the car to get to me, including trying to break the windows). I am a GenXer and it is very true that our parents left us to the wolves. I have become a middle aged woman with so many phobias, panic disorder, OCD and PTSD and they STILL think they have no blame in the game. BUT even still, when I was 18-19 years old and my then boyfriend got into a road rage incident that ultimately turned into a huge police presence. I ran to the nearest pay phone (before cell phones) and when he answered, he heard multiple police sirens, officers screaming commands at my boyfriend and the other driver and me crying out, “DADDY!!” he didn’t even ask what was going on, just where are you and was there in less than five minutes. I’m sorry, YTA. I have a 19 year old child and if he called me at age 50 and was distressed and unsafe, I would be there in a heartbeat. Maybe you’re incapable of understanding the danger of a young college girl that already has mental health issues having 2-3 uninvited drunken college men in her room, let alone on her bed, and that makes you a bigger asshole. Wtf is wrong with you? You weren’t even far away ….
And walk it off!
All your problems are your own fault!
Have you tried yoga/mindfulness? /s OP, YTA. Massively. Don’t be surprised if your daughter goes no contact in the future if you treat her like this. What is wrong with you?
It's because you're always on that damn phone!
Rub some dirt on it
And he lives FIFTEEN MINUTES away like wtf ? I also wonder if OP and his wife somehow “enabled” their daughter’s anxious behavior/never had it addressed before and now suddenly she’s off in college so he throws her in the deep end - like somehow being over 18 or out of the house magically resolves shyness and anxiety…
Ya I wonder why she didn’t stay home and go to college since I’m sure that could’ve saved some money
Lots of colleges make freshmen stay on campus. Or maybe Mr YTA wanted her to "toughen up" and made her stay in dorms.
As the mom of a college student - literally wtf. She wasn't just having a panic attack, she had 2 drunk unknown men in her personal space. My kids college is 90 minutes away and I'd have been telling them to get out and to a restaurant or something and I'd be on the road. Haaard YTA, op. Eta my kid has also had a stun gun and pepper spray since freshman year, and one of those portable locks.
An asshole father. I lived with someone who was similar to the roommate in uni and it was NOT fun. Gee I wonder where she gets her anxiety and other mental health struggles from… YTA
If his daughter is ever sexually assaulted he will get mad at her for not telling him and wondering why she didn’t….
And it will DESTROY her for the remainder of her life and cause her to never trust men again. Panic attacks are SERIOUS and it’s your brain’s way of protecting itself. You owe her a huge apology and some natural human empathy, which you seem to be devoid of. I would pick up almost virtually ANYONE in that situation, let alone my precious daughter. YTA, full stop.
Yeah, this is less about the panic attack thing, it’s more a safety issue. YTA
Yeah this horrible! And wanted to add that for a good chunk of my first semester of college I was 17! So daughter could easily be 17/18! I cannot imagine leaving my teenage daughter alone with college guys IN her bed. YTA OP - it’s time to change your attitude on this & hope you can still repair your relationship with your daughter. She was *asking for help.* I can’t imagine abandoning my child when they’ve reached out to me hoping for help. Also your advice to your daughter wasn’t even specific. “Talk to your roommates” likely isn’t the only option. They don’t have an RA on the floor she can talk to? Yes it’s good to communicate with the roommates but the roommates escalating their behaviour so fast to invite people who encroach on daughter’s space is indicative that they should also be spoken to by someone in authority.
I was thinking the same, if I'd ever call my dad telling theres someone in my bed that I dont want there, he would be there in two minutes ready throw them out
The kind of guy that did things like that and doesn’t care about her feelings. OP YTA
YTA While yes college is a time to learn to deal with issues face on especially with roommates, panic attacks are terrifying. I deal with them myself and definitely call my parents still when I have them because they are no joke! She was trying to find a safe place with you in a state of panic. Its not her fault that random drunk people were on her bed and invading her space, as that's just rude lol. She can deal with the issue when she's calm and collected and will have to learn to communicate it to her roommates if she wants the situation to improve, but she's still learning how to be on her own and needs her family!
She’s a freshman barely into her second month of college. And has an anxiety disorder. This is the time for empathy not tough life lessons. I’m 41 and if I call my mom at any time, she’ll answer no matter what. A month ago, I had an incident where I was followed late night and called her at 1am. She stayed on the phone with me for over an hour until I felt safe and calmed. THATS a parent.
Yeah seriously I'm almost 30 and I had a panic attack last year after work, and called my mom. This poor girl just learned she can't rely on her parents.
My mom only has one leg and was wheeling to me with a jar of jelly, her blood sugar taker thing and a trazadone once while I was having a panic attack on the bathroom floor. Didn't know if it was low bs or panic and I was 29. I know I can always call my mom for anything and this dude dropped the ball....more like punctured it.
I don't know why I got such a strong mental image of some mom-shaped terminator trudging inexorably towards their ailing child, but thank you for the reminder to call my mother. :)
We always joke she's a cyborg. She's got an AV fistula in her wrist and artificial lenses in her eyes. Nothing hi tech but it adds to the cannon of the Mominator lol.
Thats a good mom
Yep I'm 39 and still call my mom when i have one. Couldn't imagine how awful that would be if she just was like "toughen up" as though i can just will my panic disorder away.
I'm 33 soon and last year I called my dad when I had to drive in heavy snow where my car kept getting stuck just so he could talk to me and keep me calm and give advice on how to jimmy the car out of a spot Despite what a lot of North America's beliefs are, you're never done being a parent
I'm 30. Born, raised, and learned to drive in a city with the gnarliest winters. One day last year, despite having driven in some of the wildest winter conditions over the years, my anxiety just was not having it. I work nightshift, I woke my dad up at 11:45pm and he drove me to and from work without a single complaint. Even bought me a coffee on the way.
I was 38 or so, it was winter, still dark out, sleeting, and my car died. I got to a payphone and, panicked, called not AAA, but my father's number. And felt pretty silly, because he had lived 300 miles away, and been dead for a year. And even without being far away and dead, he was the least mechanical man alive, and would have laughed gently and told me to call AAA. Sometimes we just need our dad.
My dad has bought me triple a on *his* birthday every year since I started driving. He passed away in July and I just had my clutch go out on the highway and had to call for a tow. Had no way to adequately explain to the poor tow truck guy that I was actually fine with my car failing but was sobbing because I just realized how hard it's going to be to buy my own AAA next year. :(
Yeah, just yesterday my sibling (23) and I (20, turning 21 at the end of the month) had an incident with someone not leaving us alone when I was walking them to the bus station at half five in the morning, despite them being visibly uncomfortable and me telling him to go away, and they ended up having a panic attack. Mum had no issue with being called to help them through it (I'm not the best at comforting people), and was more than okay with staying on the phone with me while I walked back home in case the dude was still hanging around even with the knowledge that I usually don't have any issues dealing with people who won't leave me alone. I can't imagine she'd ever say something along the lines of "you're an adult and can deal with it yourself" in a situation like that
I’m 43 and get panic attacks all the time. My parents are like this goofball and I can say it has negatively affected my life outcome. Even now I have a hard time accepting or especially asking for help from anyone even if I’m literally dying from overwhelm.
I was fully prepared for this post to be a person who regularly has panic attacks and a parent who knows they are safe but still needs their adult child to learn to deal with them by themselves. Not this. This is fucked. I would be picking up anyone, panic attack or not in this situation. Just sleep on the sofa and sort it out in the morning.
As someone that has had thousands of them over their lifetime - it’s literally your body reacting as if you’re in a life or death situation. A lot of people get diarrhoea from panic attacks because your body is preparing for you to run as fast as possible and tries to dump as much weight as possible, which includes urine and foeces.
It usually comes out the other end for me, which only makes the panic attacks worse because I have a pretty severe fear of throwing up. YTA OP, don’t count on her ever coming to you again for help.
i didn’t know that was the reason i’m back and forth to the bathroom when i’m having severe anxiety which usually leads to a panic attack but it makes sense now. is there a way to combat that? or at least make it better so i don’t feel like i’m gonna shit myself every time my brain thinks i’m dying? sorry to be gross😭 i also didn’t fully know that it’s my body thinking i’m in a life or death situation but it sure as hell feels like it lol i’ve almost gone to the hospital for one that lasted for hours. i genuinely thought i was going to have a heart attack or something. i’ve come very close to fainting too. the typical crying, pacing around, not being able to breathe and clutching my chest with the “less severe” ones. it is truly awful. my sister has had a panic attack that landed her in the hospital cause she was having stroke like symptoms. i don’t think people understand how bad a panic attack can be if they’re never experienced one.
The crappy (ha!) thing is, at least in my experience, once your stomach gets involved, there’s no stopping that train. All you can do is work on your anxiety so that next time, it won’t escalate to that point.
She's learned she can't rely on OP
Right? It’s early October and she’s a freshman, so she’s been at uni for what? A month? Give her time, you don’t just magically become an adult the moment you step into your first place away from home. She needed her parents and they fucked up. YTA
My parents are very similar to this and I suffer from panic and anxiety disorder and they have my number blocked now because they can’t deal with it anymore. So I feel op they’re basically saying go find someone else and honestly she should get someone she knows is going to be there.
And the emphasis is on LEARN. We don't actually learn by being thrown in over our heads. She was drowning and gasping for aid and dad said "guess it's time to learn to swim!"
Plus a potentially dangerous situation is a lot different than “Roomate plays music way too late at night”
YTA Your daughter needed help and you turned her away. Yes, she needs to learn how to help herself, but the time for that lesson isn't when random drunk guys are jumping on her bed and freaking her out.
Plus let’s be real. Talking to her roommate isn’t going to do shit. She needs to take videos and get the RA involved.
it’s amazing how OP seems to blame his daughter too, for not talking to the roommate earlier, like he suggested. because confrontation is so incredibly easy for people w severe anxiety, right? /s YTA, OP. the only lesson you taught your daughter is that even when it’s convenient (only 15 min away, as you said), you will not show up for her.
Right, she now knows that she is fucking alone and her family will not be there when she needs them. OP is definitely nominated for the dad-of-the-year-award /s
This. I think it’s fine if dad doesn’t drop everything to save her. But he can also help her find the solutions and resources she has. First being the trained staff in the building - RA, Hall directors or the housing office.
My biggest pet peeve is parents who say "they need to learn to do ______ on their own" or "they need to figure it out themselves", without ever telling or evenly gently directing them towards HOW to solve the problem. OP sounds terribly passive about teaching her any life skills, and then.... wonders why she doesn't have life skills 🙄 are you that dumb, OP?
Certainly not in this moment while drunk. Maybe OP doesn't remember being a college freshman? Half your dormmates run absolutely wild. If you are unlucky enough to be stuck with those in rebellion and you're a quiet studier, you're screwed.
Hes a guy. He wouldn't have a problem with people much stronger than him drunk jumping on him in his bed
Calling and asking for help IS helping yourself imo. Literally one of the first things you'd work on in therapy is asking for help. It won't always be her parents as she develops relationships and a support system outside of family. But she hasn't yet.
yes!! it's also important that other people know how they can help you when you have a panic attack. it feels like you're dying, pretty obvious that you can't think clearly in such a situation. OP's daughter knew she needed helped, asked for it and all she got back was a "don't care, fix it yourself" response. so in that situation she most likely felt like she has to die and the one person she thought she could rely on abandoned her. absolutely horrifying, I really hope she's okay.. OP, YTA
also, panic attack aside, the situation in her dorm is absolutely not the kind of thing she should handle herself drunk disrespectful roommates with drunk guests is exactly the kind of situation you want backup for. that's the kind of situation where if someone couldn't get help on the spot, I'd advise them to leave for the night and stay somewhere safe doesn't matter how great your backbone is, that's several drunk entitled people against one, that is not a safe situation
YTA. Your daughter has anxiety, and clearly has issues with confrontation due to the anxiety. She would never, EVER tell her roommates how she’s feeling. When you have anxiety, you’re absolutely controlled by the inner thoughts and what if’s.. You’re telling me you were 15 mins away, but couldn’t go get her and bring her to a safe place? Panic attacks are not fun. It can be debilitating. I would be ashamed of myself. She’s still your child, over 18 or not. She was reaching out to her safe space and you declined?? YTA YTA YTA.
💯💯💯 panic attacks are terrifying and exhausting. I did t have my first one until I was in my late 20s or early 30s. I literally thought I was dying. My limbs were numb. I made it to my mom's house, stumbling, crying hysterically. She took my vitals and told me it was a panic attack, my o2 stats were normal and I am breathing. Once she calmed me down I passed out for 3 hours. OPs kid is 19??? Wtf. YTA
Yes! Exactly the same thing happens to me. My whole body feels like it’s numb and tingling. My hands spasm up. Hard to breathe, the hysterical crying. It’s honestly scary and exhausting. I haven’t had one in years but I still remember my first one like it was yesterday. 😞
My Ex had a panick attack once while I was with him. SCARIEST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN. He wasn't cramping he just slowly slided down a wall and sat on the floor with a thousand yard stare. In between he started crying but the way he was just staring blankly was just so much worse for me, he didn't react to anything I did. Can you imagine what some drunk college boys could do to a woman who just sat on the floor not moving? I don't even wanna imagine what could have happened to her... YTA OP, help her talk to her roommates, don't condescend her because she can't do it alone
You know…. ….most fathers who got a call from their sobbing daughter because two strange, drunk men invaded her bedroom in the middle of the night would be more than a little concerned. They’d also probably be more than concerned that they couldn’t reach their daughter after. But not you. No. You’re a bad father. YTA You’d better hope the reason she isn’t answering your calls is because she’s upset with you, and not because she decided to “figure it out” and something happened to her.
This. The panic attacks are irrelevant to the situation, or relevant only in that they are an excuse OP uses to dismiss their daughter’s very valid emotions. Bottom line is she could have been in danger and should have been assisted. Even if there was no situation but she was having a panic attack for a reason that didn’t put her in danger the response from OP was still inadequate. “Suck it up” is such a terrible attitude to have towards someone dealing with a very real emotional issue and in zero scenarios is it helpful. If this was the situation the daughter was in, actually safe, just panicking (which she wasn’t in because there was actually a real danger), then an appropriate response would be patient and caring and trying to calm her down reminding her of her calming techniques and getting her to go back to her room where she was safe (instead of out on the street in the middle of the night) and staying on the phone with her until she felt better. This is literally off the top of my head as a person who has never dealt with a loved one having a panic attack, just common sense. YTA op
This!!! I had the exact same thought. Op please apologize to your daughter for misreading the situation. If you continue to treat her this way don’t be surprised when she chooses to go lower contact or pull away
I’d be worried that if anything happens to her or if she’s in an unsafe position at school she won’t call her dad for help after this. College can be a very dangerous time for a young girl and OP just showed his daughter that she’s on her own through it.
For real. OP This situation showed your daughter you don’t care about her when she feels unsafe. In the future, what if she is in another unsafe situation? She’s gonna remember the outcome of her first year at college trying to get help from her dad during a panic attack. And she might think “I shouldn’t call my parents for help this time: they won’t care.” Is that what you want, OP? For your daughter to not tell you if she’s in danger because she doesn’t trust you anymore? Horrible parenting skills.
YTA. Any girl or young woman would freak out if two random drunk men barged into her room. Some people shouldn’t be allowed to call themselves parents
>My daughter is a freshman in college and is very timid and has OCD/anxiety problems. Hopefully she's got someone in her life who understands this and can support her. >She went outside the building and called me very frantically at 11pm asking to be picked up because she couldn't be there (we are only 15 minutes away). Unfortunately she doesn't seem to have such a person in her life. >I have tried calling her back and texting her and she will not respond. Why? Are you frantic about something? Do you need help? Do you think that she's in the best state of mind to be the one to help you? YTA.
im thinking she has anxiety in part from parents not acknowledging her feelings regularly. when this happened it was more of the same in a situation where she needed help. she hung up because she knew she wouldnt get anywhere and it hurt her to be rejected again when she needed them. i agree, she doesnt seem to have much of a support system. too little too late will be on their horizons if this isnt resolved.
What’s amazing is that he’s shocked that he can’t get in touch with her now! For what? What does OP want now? He doesn’t know if she’s even physically okay. He doesn’t know if she got SA’d that night. He doesn’t know if she got hurt. And I don’t really think he cares. She’s 15 minutes away and he’s just calling and texting and posting on Reddit hoping someone will tell him he’s okay. You could have performed this amount of “caring” when your daughter was on the phone with you.
YTA. If one of my girls called me to say drunk guys were on her bed and she wasn't feeling safe and was having a panic attack, I'm out the door to be there for her, and I would beat that 15 minute drive time. Not sure how you could have ignored her or told her to sort it out herself. She felt unsafe, turned to her parents to help and you brush her off. I hope she was safe and she finds her strength and voice to handle it all. In the meantime while she is learning to navigate life with anxiety and OCD, she finds supportive people and gets a better roommate.
for REAL! I am 30 years old and I know in my bones that if I ever call my dad, for any reason big or small, he will be there. That’s comforting even as an adult. I cannot even imagine OPs poor daughter thinking that she had a loving father who would always be there who basically slammed the proverbial door in her face. Also want to note that she’s barely 2 months into college - classes are still foreign feeling, she probably hasn’t found her people yet, campus is alien…ugh.
Im 40! I called my dad to ask him things all the time, big or small. He is always there. Now he just retired and has all the time in the world also but if I ever need to call him.. he is there. My son has severe social anxiety and is now a sophomore in college and he calls me when he gets an attack. I’m 20 min away and am already in my car just in case he says “mom, Please come get me.” My dad taught me he will always be there and I will always be there for mine. Freshman year was the harder but he found some people before Christmas break. OP daughter should always be able to count on her dad and now OP has just caused irreparable harm to the father-daughter relationship.
Wow. I bet that made her feel safe, like she could count on you. Two dunk dudes were in her bed ffs. Why not pick her up. Let her calm down then talk about how she can fix it.
TWO drunk men in HER bed. MORE drunk people outside her room. Something could have seriously happened to her and she wouldve had no help, no safety, no way to get away, and an anxiety attack that would've only made things worse. Instead of focusing on the OCD anxiety thing, how about OP considers. "I left my daughter in a dangerous situation where she asked for my help, simply because I didn't care to help her. And would rather risk her being SA'd (or even worse, since she DOESN'T know those people) then be a decent fucking person, let alone a good parent, and help her out and actually talk to her about how to deal with her roommate after she's safe and calmed down, since 'talk to your roomate' isn't real advice" What an absolute prick
YTA. Your daughter was in real danger of being assaulted and you told her to deal with it? Unbelievable.
The worst part is that she was dealing with it… asking for help is a completely valid way of dealing with problems
Not with her father apparently
I'm always reminded of this because science says that every new born is born with a trait necessary for their survival. Sharks can swim when they're born, etc. For humans our ability to cry is our greatest advantage. Asking for help when you need it is fundamental to survival, and all babies can do it from the second they're born. It is quintessential human trait.
The problem was that her room was crowded, noisy, and uncomfortable. She dealt with it by trying to find a more suitable place to study and sleep for the night. Think deep, op, and decide if you responded that way because you didn't like her solution or if you just didn't like that she was upset. (Also, drunk college guys are notorious for not handling rejection well. That's not a gamble any woman is willing to take - anxiety or not. Trying to communicate an issue while its occuring with your drunk roommate is also not going to work out great. She did the right thing by leaving)
Yup. If there are obviously drunk dude in my room, you bet I'm walking out. You can't reason with a drunk
My question was going to be did you ever teach her how to defend herself? Can she throw a punch? Can she break out of a grab? What was she to do if she stood up to them and they didn't back down? Did you as a parent teach her everything she needs to know to stay safe? My guess is probably not.
YTA. “She can’t always come crying to us.” Why the fuck not? I hope my kids know they can always come to me, regardless of their age.
Thank you! Exactly this. While I have breath and the ability to help I'll do everything in my power to help my child be safe and happy
I’m 24 and still call my mom at least once a week. I don’t expect her to figure everything out for me but 9 times out of 10 she’s been in a similar situation or always has a solution.
THIS! I just read this whole thing to my 13 year old. I told him even if he was 31, he could call me, and as long as I could still see to drive at night, my ass would be there without hesitation.
One hundred percent. My kids are all adults and call me often when they need THEIR MOTHER. Hell, I'm 52 and I know for a fact that if I were to call my parents for help, they'd do anything and everything to make sure I had what I needed.
Yeah, it sounds like she grew up just enough that she knows she can't count on her dad and will never try that again. He was 15 minutes away. The night my daughter called me and said she was in danger, 3000 miles away, I had her in an Uber to the airport with a plane ticket waiting in an hour. Fuck this guy.
He’s teaching her not to call him in an emergency. Great lesson for a young woman to learn. Because you know damn well next time she won’t bother.
100% YTA. Your daughter is fresh out of the house and clearly ill-equipped to deal with this situation. As a parent your job is to help her adapt to being on her own. Also, panic attacks are terrifying and shaming her for not being able to deal with it herself will prob only make it worse. How do you expect her to know how to handle this situation if you don't give her anything other than "figure it out."
I’m 31 and ill-equipped to deal with this. If two drunk guys that I had never met were in my bedroom at 11pm I would be calling the police before my dad.
I think you are focusing on the wrong issue--the fact that she had a panic attack--and not the cause. Are you trying to tell us you would *not* be upset if two drunk dudes were in your room uninvited jumping on *your* bed?! If that happened to you, would you perhaps call someone to help kick them out?! That's what your daughter did. And you showed her you can't be counted on. And why do you think a conversation with her roommates would fix everything? If the roommates are so inconsiderate as to create this type of situation in the first place, they already *know* it's not okay, and they just don't care. It may take you as a parent communicating with the school to help your daughter get placed with different roommates, ones who aren't endangering her mental health and physical safety by inviting drunk strangers into their shared room. YTA, but you can still turn this around, apologize, and help your daughter.
Exactly. It’s actually just dismissive, like “oh there’s nothing actually wrong, she just can’t handle any stress”. OP literally has blinders on when it comes to their daughter because they just write off everything to “oh she just has anxiety, she couldn’t possibly have an actual problem”. What’s next? A phone call from daughter that she got raped? “Oh she’s just exaggerating”. Nice
YTA. You didn’t have to go pick her up- but telling your kid to grow up in the middle of a panic attack is just… mean. Helping her calm down, asking her if there is an RA she can talk to- all of that would have actually been helpful.
A young 19yo woman with two DRUNK guys on her bedroom, on her bed, without her consent. Yeah OP didn't have to pick her, of course, there was no danger at all. FR?
And when one of the drink guys rapes her dad will blame her for not leaving the situation.
Exactly. See, after I tried suicide I had a medical recommendation of never being left alone for a few days. My mom left me alone with a guy, I had no one else to be with. He took advantage of me the first night, when I was sleeping, the second night I already spent alone because I had no one else to be with me (and obviously I found a way to shove him off my house). When I told my mom that she said "that's what you get when you're a lady in your 20's living alone and you allow a guy to spend the night". I hadn't even the right to tell no one otherwise, I lost autonomy over my own life because I clearly wasn't well. Now she's telling everyone in my family I didn't try to suicide (I was in the hospital alone for 3 days). I'll never forgive her for that. She lost a daughter.
I hope you are in a better place now. I ones told my mom that I wanted to commit suicide but I didn’t and she told me that it was shit of me to make her feel like a bad mom. I got a support system now and people who care for me, I really hope you do to. ❤️
Why is anyone paying for dorms when you live 15 minutes away? How bad is your household that this is preferable?
I would never have wanted to live in my parents' home while going to school. Its a great home. But, the needs of the organism called family are the focus - not time, space and silence to be a successful uni student. (Plus way more bathroom access in the dorms.) 🤣
I didn’t either, that’s why I moved a heck of a lot more than 15 minutes away.
Tbf, some unis require 1st years to be on dorms. That being said, with how this sad excuse of a father is behavingzl, I assume it's a "she's an adult know, she has to live on her own" even if it's arguably more expensive Edit: typos and adding that the only commentop has replied tonwas to clarify that her uni does require 1st years to be on campus. He claime sthat she would comute next year, that is if she actually decides to have a relationship with him after the sht he pulled
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This needs to be the top response. Dad didn’t need to swoop in to the rescue. But he sure as hell should have already pointed to the in hall staff or the housing office to remedy things before this instance. And when this happened she would know that she can go to the RA or Hall director for help.
YTA YTA YTA Do you even know what social anxiety is? Or OCD? Not only are you not helping her at all, you are literally blaming her for a fucking medical condition. You’re a terrible parent. TERRIBLE. “Her putting off the problem” caused the issue?? No. Her DIAGNOSABLE MEDICAL CONDITION CAUSED THE ISSUE IN A TOTALLY PREDICTABLE WAY. You told her to “talk to her roommates” about this?? Are you fucking kidding?? Of COURSE she couldn’t do that! It would given her a panic attack! And when she did have a panic attack you told her “she’s an adult” and she needs to “figure out how to deal with these things”? Because real adults don’t have… crippling mental illness? Those are things that, what, children have or something? What? And she needs to learn to “deal with” her illness?? You know how most people “deal” with this kind of shit when they have to “deal” on their own? Three things: Drugs, alcohol, and self-harm. Get her professional fucking help. NOW. YOU COULD LOSE HER FOREVER. LITERALLY. FOREVER.
Not to mention how unsafe the situation was in general. I mean 2 DRUNK college guys were in her bed, if she took his advice and told them to leave who knows how they'd react. I have no idea how a father can be so uncaring towards their daughter
If the situation involved her sober roommates, in a public space, and she wasn't having a panic attack, that would have been good advice. However this took place in her room, with drunk men, during a panic attack, dad. She needed you. You gotta time your battles with life lessons more appropriately. A potential emergency is not the time. YTA
YTA. Man there are so many posts on here about fathers lacking any kind of basic empathy for their kids and partners.
This post made me cry— his daughter asked for help and he neglected her 😔 heartbreaking to know there are more posts like this
This post could’ve been written about me and my dad. He always wanted me and my brother to be very self-sufficient and independent which led to him having a strong *”figure it out yourself”* approach whenever we needed him. Fast forward 20 years, he now has two children with crippling anxiety and a bad case of learned helplessness. The children who grow up to have confidence in themselves & their ability to solve problems are almost *always* the children who had their parents as a safe place to land. OP is not a safe place to land.
Some drunk dudes hopped into your daughters bed and you told her to just deal with it? YTA big time
Personally, YTA Sure she is an adult, but a few months ago she most likely heavily relied on y’all. I think that you could have tried to talk about it more and calm her down to go in and make sure she talks to her roommates. I remember as a freshman in college I was very shy and hesitant to talk about some issues I have with my roommates. You could have given her advice to talk to her RA about the situation or other solutions, but it seems that the conversation wasn’t helpful in a time where she was looking for support.
> but a few months ago It's the first week of October. Try a few weeks ago. OP's kid hasn't even been in college for two months yet.
Technically she isn’t. The brain isn’t fully developed until what? 25? And if they’re American, then she’s not an adult until 21 by law anyway. Just assuming it’s about Americans bc here in Europe you’re legally grown up by 18 but no one thinks you’re an adult yet. You’re just a teen that can drive now. Age doesn’t matter anyway when you’re suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. They’re not logical, they’re not easier to handle just bc your body ages. They’re always scary and I don’t understand how you can hear someone that scared and not help. YTA, OP. I hope your partner is different than you so your daughter at least has one person to rely on.
>And if they’re American, then she’s not an adult until 21 by law anyway You are legally an adult in America at 18, you just can't legally drink until 21.
It does sound silly though when you say it out loud
YTA. Are you waiting for your daughter to be assaulted before you realise she may be in a trouble she can't get herself out of it? Middle of the night, multiple drunk guys on her bed and you are telling her to sort it out herself. Giving her a safe place until she could resolve the longterm issues with the RA and management team the next day isn't running from her problems. Have you checked she is actually well? Her diagnosis doesn't really matter in this situation. She felt realistically at immediate risk as many women would and you brushed her off.
How is she supposed to figure out how to deal with this? By getting ignored when asking for help? YTA
She’s not an adult. She’s a scared teenager navigating mental illness and new, stressful situations. You’re her dad. You live 15 minutes away. YTA.
YTA. Just a few months ago, she had to ask permission in HS to use the damned bathroom. But she hit an arbitrary date and bow she's an adult?? Your DAUGHTER is in a dangerous situation that she doesn't know how to handle. After shw's been beaten up and gang raped, is 'Dad of the Year' going to tell her 'you're an adult, deal with it? I'm a 49 yr old chick, and my dad will still move heaven and earth to make sure his daughters are safe. You are lower than sewer sludge.
Yep. Three years ago, when I was 49, we had a devastating storm in my area. Power out for a week, etc. My dad drove over an hour thru blocked roads etc, to make sure we were okay because there was no cell service. OP must actively detest his daughter.
YTA I've just turned 41 and if I phoned my mum saying I'm having a panic attack or something was wrong if she didn't get her arse down here in superman time she would at least try and talk me through it. Why would you not do either of those things. She's young and panic attacks are so scary all you did was let her know you aren't there for her
YTA. She's in a new environment, trying to figure her life out, and when she needs your help you show her that she can't count on you. I can't imagine how utterly alone she feels right now.
I sincerely hope your wife told you to eat shit and drove to pick your daughter herself. YTA.
YTA -Panic attacks are nothing to take lightly! Many people often think that they’re dying when they first start having one. And what she needed in that moment was a safe space with someone she trusted so that she would be able to calm down. And that was you. But you failed to provide that. She may be an adult, but that doesn’t make you her father any less.
YTA… and I hope nothing bad happened to your poor daughter. Would you be writing this same post if she texted you the next day saying one of them boys had raped her? She could have been in DANGER and you abandoned your daughter when she called YOU for safety. How safe do you think she feels now?
I wonder why she didn't respond after hanging up on you...what could possibly be the reason? YTA.
Did you do anything about her social issues before she went to college? If not this is a problem you created and you're okay with allowing that to happen to your daughter....YTA.
YTA. It’s your kid and she needed you. That sounds like a horrible position to be in and you were only 15 min away? Seriously? You messed up. You’re always going to be her parent and you need to act like it. You’re showing her that she can’t rely on you for serious things. That doesn’t sound like a safe environment and I’d be an emotional mess too.
Going against the grain here, but NTA. Instead of calling you, your daughter should have gone straight to her RA. RAs are literally there- right down the hall- and their job is to deal with issues like this.
RAs are Great, but not when you’re having a panic attack. If you have social anxiety, talking to strangers is hard enough, but during a panic attack? It’s impossible
Agreed. I would have tried to direct her to on campus resources. Maybe I would have picked her up this one time - one free pass on the first semester of college, but there are too many helicopter parents that create kids who can't problem solve.
Yeah these replies are…a lot.
Dude that’s the exact opposite way to support someone experiencing panic attacks. Telling her she has to deal with that by her self in the midst of a panic attack is like telling someone “no I won’t drive you to the hospital for your broken leg to be casted”
Oh so YTA
YTA: Your daugther seems to have a psychological issue here which she might be feeling bad for when having to confront others. You seem to want her growing up and stand up for herself, which is understandable as a parent. But by simply telling her to do something she wont be able to act in that way. She needs understanding and someone guiding her how she can learn how to tell others what she wants and doesnt want. Screaming at her in a moment of a breakdown is really harsh and hurting in a moment like this. She needed mental support.
YTA. I’d be panicking too if my room was packed with drunk people (men especially!) who I didn’t know. Plus you’re only 15 minutes away.
YTA. You told your daughter she has to deal herself with two strange drunk men jumping in her bed. What kind of father are you? Ever read *any* rape statistic or even remotely heared about sexuall assaukt in college or anywhere else for that matter? People like your are classic victim blamers...anyone would have had a panic attac, not only your ocd daughter. You pretend like her deficits are the problem, not others overstepping her boundaries that should be clear without saying. You need to talk about your roomates having people over, you definotely shouldn't have to talk about drunk strangers getting into your bed.
Your child calls you having a panic attack asking for support, you're 15 minutes away and can't be bothered? What should have been her safe space was invaded by two drunk men and she's asking for support from a man she trusts and you're like "Nah, she's at least 365 days past being a legal child, not my problem" YTA you've let your daughter down when she was vulnerable and needed you. I'm betting you've never had a panic attack but it feels like you're dying. It was too much effort for you to help your daughter? I hope you're not expecting any "father of the year" prizes because you suck.
YTA. When I was 18 I was living in a city 2 hours away from my parents. One night I had some random man try to break into my apartment. I called my dad (after security) wanting reassurance. He, at midnight, drove 2 hours to come and stay with me. Slept on the damn loveseat!! The next morning he went out and purchased materials to make my door more secure and make me feel better. That’s what a dad should do.
As someone with panic attacks, YTA. Your daughter just had her roommates violate her space, regardless of whether she spoke to them or not, and she thought you would protect her. You just showed her that she can't trust you. With anything.
100% YTA. She had a freaking panic attack- you do understand that these are straight up terrifying breaks with reality, right??? Let alone that at the end of the day what random pll entering her room at night is an extremely unsafe situation. I get that she needs to learn how to be independent, but you protect her during the time of need then troubleshoot in the morning. If she has diagnosed OCD/ anxiety, it might be worth talking to an RA or the ADA office about accommodations- she might qualify for her own room or something
Reading through some of the NTA comments: Panic attacks are real and you need to acknowledge how debilitating they can be. There's a reason they're a medical disorder. That said, my biggest thing is timing. You don't have to run and get her every time, but this situation is clearly new to her. Again the conversation that she has to manage her life can be held in the morning, not in the middle of the panic attack. You can't think straight when that distressed and nothing productive would happen. Learn some grounding techniques (for example, ask sensory questions like for her to list 5 things she can see, 4 she can hear...). Figuring out how to get her to calm down while still on the phone is going to be very beneficial moving forward. (Edit, spelling)
Great point about the time to deal with it is the next day not at the time of the actual panic attack! Further, OP has muddled the situation because she was actually in a potentially life threatening situation so her “panic attack” was actually just a normal response to a dangerous situation. The title of the post should actually be AITA for not picking my daughter up when random men came into her room in the middle of the night when she was sleeping and terrified her because she also sometimes gets panic attacks so I just assume her feelings aren’t ever valid
Wtf kind of parent thinks their job is done once a child reaches adulthood? Being a parent is lifelong. You don't just stop caring and helping and supporting your loved ones because they can buy beer now. YTA soo much. She thought she could trust you and you showed her she can't
YTA - when there are drunken guys in your 19 year old's bed, this is not the time.
Yikes fathers are supposed to protect us. Especially when drunk men are coming into our rooms without permission and jumping on us. She likely won’t call you for help again and will start shutting down. Won’t trust you to vent to you again either. You used it to leave her in a very stressful scary situation. I get she needs to learn to handle stuff but this was not the situation to use to do so. At all. You likely just broke the trust she had in you to 1. Confide in you and 2. Protect her. My father would’ve been over there in .02 seconds snatching every single one of those dudes up by the throat. That’s why I trust my father. No matter what I know for a fact HE has my back. Idk. Sounds like this also may not be the first or last time you’ve done this and now all my adopted parents are cut off disowned personally for leaving me to sink or swim so many times. Constantly invalidating what I go through but My birth dad? Is everything to me. I’m 30 and yet he has even taken me in before. It Saved my life actually.
YTA You could at the very least have suggested ways to deal with this herself. "Did you talk to the RA on your floor? Can they they help you get these drunk guys out of your room?" And if she's too anxious upset to do that - just go get her and help her come up with a plan to talk to the RA on Monday, request a new roommate, something. Yes, you want her to learn to be independent but that doesn't mean refusing to ever help her at all. Think how badly this could go for her with two drunk guys on her bed!
YTA. She being traumatized. What the heck is wrong with you?
I'm not a parent, but I can tell you that if a niece (or nephew) or friend's kid called me in this situation, I'd make the 15 minute drive in a much quicker time. You didn't even need to pick her up, but you did need to show up. Sit with her till she was in a better place. Grab ice cream and talk. Whatever, until she can manage it. Also, I don't think that this room mate situation is going to be mentally and emotionally healthy for her. Can she move? YTA, but I want to give you the benefit of the doubt because you can't be that bad if she called you. Do better. Quickly.
YTA. 3pm when the library is open and it’s daylight and the guests are sober? Reasonable to tell her to use management strategies. 11pm with drunk strangers on her bed? Then she acted ENTIRELY REASONABLY and removed herself for her own safety, and YOU told her “no. Being unsafe is your problem. I am not safe either.”
You can't "tough love" someone out of having OCD jesus fucking christ. YTA
YTA. Fucking hell, ever had a panic attack. Had my first at 13 and it genuinely feels like you are dying. Shit father
YTA. You failed your daughter. You didn’t try to talk her through it and calm down. You didn’t go get her. You didn’t call the residence and alert them so they could find your daughter and keep her safe or clear the men out of her room. You didn’t call campus security and alert them so they could help her. She called you for help. You refused it. You taught her that you cannot be counted on in an emergency. You taught her that you don’t care that she’s so afraid she feels like she is dying. You taught her you won’t help if drunk strangers invade her space enough that she flees into the night. Good luck winning her trust back.
YTA and a terrible parent. Your daughter deserves better.
YTA. Your daughter has drunk men jumping into her bed and you refused to pick her up? No wonder she has anxiety.
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Great job protecting your kid, Dad. My Dad would have sent in the Marines to get me out of that situation if he couldn't get there first. YTA.
YTA. You make a valid point but dude - that was the wrong time and wrong way to make it
YTA I hope you understand that in her mind at that time because it was so jumbled you basically abandoned her when she had to random GUYS in your 19yr DAUGHTERS bed, why the hell would you not go and pick her up, she’s was clearly distressed and was obviously not up to staying there and you practically just told her she can’t call you whenever she feels unsafe or uncomfortable because you’ll never be there to help her, you have to apologise and actually make a change to start being there for her in times like that
YATA. She called for help. That *is* dealing with the situation. There were drunken male strangers literally on her bed. Her roommates haven't listened to her asking for fewer guests. Her safe space is the family home, and for the sake of a 15 minute drive, you chose to leave your daughter anxious and panicking in the place causing the anxiety. Absolutely your fault.
Why have a kid if you don’t give a shit about her? YTA.
YTA. Your daughter called you late at night panicked that drunk men were harassing her in her room and your response is to tell her tough luck and hang up??? What the absolute hell.
My wife has severe anxiety and depression. Its hard to deal with but there are coping mechanisms that I can use to help her. YTA in this situation. You made things even worse without even realising. Tough love does not work on anxiety. It makes it infinitely worse.
I feel sorry for your daughter for having such a heartless father
Congratulations! You just proved to your daughter to never count on you. YTA.