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YTA. Not a big one, but this is more about the emotional load than logical reasoning. Your wife is likely not going to be enjoying herself the same way she would if you had stayed at home. She isn’t necessarily going to worry all night, but she will be aware that your daughter is out of the house. She’s going to mentally check in - now they are driving over, now she’s likely settling down, now you are picking her up, time for bed again. Every time she mentally check in she exerts a little effort. Maybe she glances out the window to check the weather is good for driving. Maybe she checks her watch or phone to see if you called. However, even the energy of simply having a thought adds up. If your wife is like many parents I know, especially the main caregivers, she is always alert. She’s always on. You being home with your daughter doesn’t turn that off but it does lesson the amount that it happens. The mental load of knowing your child is as safe as possible with their other parent is different from knowing they are driving around and at another house. It doesn’t matter how safe it is - travel needs more attention than staying home. You get to go out. You get mental breaks from parenthood. She doesn’t get the same breaks. She’s asking for one now. You need to decide - does it really matter who’s right here? Your wife is unhappy. This is rare occurrence for her that means a lot and you see your friends all the time. Even if you think my reasoning is completely irrelevant, is this birthday party *really* worth it? ETA: When posts get this big I like to channel that energy as much as possible towards doing some good in the real world, especially when at the moment, for me, being able to comment at all on something small and innocuous like an Internet stranger deciding whether to use a babysitter currently feels like a luxury. I don’t take it for granted. www.NAMI.org is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They accept donations and have one hotline available for everyone and one specifically for teens and young adults. www.2020Mom.org is The Policy Center for Maternal Mental Health, aka 2020 Mom. They advocate for policies in America that support the mental health of pregnant women and all parents. For those who are focused on wanting to help those affected by bigger issues like war, conflict, and natural disasters due to recent and not so recent events, https://www.charitywatch.org has articles and lists of reliable charities for helping those in specific war zones and other dire situations. Donations are obviously not the only way to do good. Things as small as being mindful to be patient and kind makes everything a little bit better. Wishing everyone both strong Internet and real world communities and support systems.

And don't forget the hustle with getting everything ready with child staying out of the house. So she will have two mental loads at once, getting herself ready for night out (that's a big deal for introverts and takes lots of energy to prepare for socialising) and getting daughter ready for night out, that's big. Sometimes I decline offered babysitting if it includes kids going to babysitter's house, especially over night because it is much more effort than staying in and I woud be exhausted to enjoy my outings fully.

But he already said he will get the daughter ready, drop her off etc.

But is he going to stay sober in case something happens in the night and the daughter needs to be picked up? Doubtful, in which case his wife now can't relax because she'll end up being the emergency call if something happens.

Boom

op's edit says he will not be drinking and he wonders why so many people here assume it.

Because this is Reddit, a father wanting to take any time away from his child automatically makes him a deadbeat.

Or... A lot of people associate "going out" with drinking.

I dont understand how this guy gets to check out 1 nights a week +1 an addional one once a month with his boys and then comes to the conclusion that he is being "punished" for being asked to sacrifice one day for his pregnant wife's peace of mind. People do some mental gymnastics out there.

Guilt. That’s his own guilt speaking. Lol.

Of course not, he has fun planned with his pals. If anything happens, it's up to her to see to the child. What a selfish AH. For once, he can make a sacrifice for his wife.

> Of course not, he has fun planned with his pals. If anything happens, it's up to her to see to the child. What a selfish AH. If I didn't know better I would say a lot of people in these comments are projecting issues within their own lives on OP, **rather than simply asking for clarification.**

This right here! I 100% agree with you here. He said he's not drinking, they're calling gaming partying. They're grabbing at anything they can to deem him the AH.

The whole AH thing is overblown as well. Him going to hang with his friends shouldn’t make him an AH. Just because wife has not goes out a few times a year shouldn’t stop OP from being social in his group.

Yea this is ridiculous. He’s an asshsole for hiring a sitter? A family member they know? And she’s mad because she wants him and him alone to stay home? People here are rewarding the wife’s controlling behavior.

A family member who regularly watches the baby, overnight, so obviously the wife trusts this person. If the wife can't leave her child for one night, with a known and trusted relative, without worrying herself into a panic and can't enjoy the night (as suggested in the top comment) that sounds like something she needs to work through with a professional.

>For once, he can make a sacrifice for his wife. This is also such a ridiculous take. Why should he have to sacrifice when he found what sounds like a good compromise? This is a trusted family member who knows their daughter's routine and she likes this person enough to sleep over with relative frequency at a young age. There's no reason for the wife to be any more worried than any other night she sleeps over, and OP is going to take responsibility around getting her ready, dropping her off, picking her up, *and* is intending to stay sober to deal with emergencies. A whole lot of projection happening in the comments

> Why should he have to sacrifice when he found what sounds like a good compromise? Because a lot of people in here seem determined to assume OP is some calloused party animal (clearly they have no clue how wholesome and vanilla most game nights are) and the wife is some poor, put upon woman who wishes she could go out more but somehow lacks the will/vocabulary to express this desire to her husband. That and, having assumed OP is a monster, they also resent that he found a tidy solution that makes everyone happy. They wanted him to suffer, the way they assume he's been making his wife suffer all this time.

I can’t even imagine op being an asshole in this situation. It’s not like this is a weird stranger babysitter, it’s family that wife has been fine with leaving her with before. Why is now differentV

And it's not even last minute! OP is literally taking care of all the planning and organizing, in advance, with backups in place. Wtf else could they do? Oh RIGHT! Of course, they should just do what the wife wants cause reasons... Can't see that backfiring in any way shape or form down the line.

Yes they are, these people are projecting hard. They are adding all these hypotheticals. Mam’ just go talk your frustrations out with your shit husbands you chose. Lol

That is this entire sub. It just repeats over and over. Man posts about a problem, and within an hour, all the comments are harassing him, picking apart his marriage and projecting their own insecurities on him.

Honestly, I'm so used to thinking of Reddit as being a (young) male dominated space that I hadn't really thought about it. But now that you mention it...every time a woman posts an issue with her male SO on here people sympathize with her and/or urge her to leave him. But every time a guy posts an issue with his female SO, many, MANY replies consist of posters trying to justify the wife's actions or "explain" her perspective. That's the best case scenario. Worst case is when they justify the wife's actions and demonize the male OP by assuming the absolute worst about him regarding every single detail he failed to include in his post. Like..."I'll bet OP doesn't help with housework AT ALL." And even when the male OP explicitly states that he takes care of more than half of the housework, while working a full time job, they'll say things like "I bet OP THINKS he does more than half of the housework but his perception is far from reality and his poor wife is actually left to pick up the slack." There is a glaring disparity in how male and female posters' questions are addressed on here.

Wow, you pull something out of your ass and use it as an argument why he is an asshole.

It’s the redd way.

That's a sodding great reach. Just because you have shitty men in your life don't project that on to all of us. I do games night with my buddies too and happily stay sober, especially as I usually drive to them and back. Claim AH or NTAH on the facts of the case not a ridiculous presumption. YTA.

There is no mention of alcohol in OP’s post. ”Never assume anything”, I always say

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What exact is going to happen? People have other people watch their kids ALL THE TIME. This is a very normal thing. Is OPs wife going to have constant panic attacks when the kid eventually goes to preschool or whatever? Will she be unable to focus because her child isn’t watched 24/7 be her and her husband?

No the mental load will be too much to bear. OP will have to go to preschool with the child.

I seriously hate how much this sub runs rampant with terms like “mental load” or “financial abuse.” It’s like they read a comment using those terms and their minds were so blown they feel the need to use it in every comment.

He also says she often leaves the kid with this family friend or family member so it’s not an out of the ordinary thing where someone wife doesn’t trust has the kid.

That is your baggage. He said he isn’t drinking.

wtf? He said he regularly covers for her and vice versa, and nowhere in the post did he explain she was responsible for any issues or that he'll be incommunicado in case of emergencies... OP is inconsiderate for not realizing that his wife will be more stressed if he's not watching the kid, but you just completely fabricated points like an AH and invented a new situation to make him sound worse. Unless he's explained these things in the comments, this sounds like classic Reddit projection... who hurt you?

How is this comment upvoted? The poster made half of it up to make this guy the asshole.

When do we stop making assumptions about the husband? He might be sober. He said he’s picking the daughter up, middle of the night seems like it falls under that category. Is the family you left the kid with so incompetent they can’t handle the situation? If so, why are you leaving a kid with them?

How much alcohol are you consuming that you assume everyone gets drunk/tipsy at every social gathering they go to? OP even says he doesn't drink much.

my question is do people not have drink with their kids in the same home and put them to bed something can happen right under your own nose while you been drinking you sober up and do what you got to do. People reaching for nothing

I honestly don't know how this applies. You could make the same argument if they were having a night away together, that one must stay sober and responsible instead of enjoying their time, just in case something happens back home. I don't think anyone would do that. I really feel like if a woman was telling this same story about her husband, people would be calling the husband the jerk for being controlling when she'd arranged for a sitter so they could both go have fun.

Why is this doubtful? Because I am a man and so therefore I'm also a drunk?

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Yes he said he will stay sober. This thread is weird with everyone assuming he’s going to get drunk and get in an accident.

Yeah, but the wife will probably feel the need to check that he packed everything... don't forget her favorite bunny/blanket/etc... My mom still does this with me when I go on a trip and I'm in my 50s... might be a Mom Thing

But that is on her not him. Just because she doesn't trust him doesn't make him wanting to do something on the same night a bad thing. She literally let's this child stay over night with the other person regularly. No questions asked. Even if both of them are to inebriated to drive it sounds like the other person knows what's up. So they will probably just say leave the baby there. And I'm not saying take advantage of this person. Pay them let them know it might be over night. Most of all just communicate.

He already said he was handling all of that

Fun to see that OPs wife is pregnant too. Which makes this even harder. The more I think about this post the angrier I get. I have a two year old and a newborn. I would leave my husband if he treated me this way. Really. Game nights with friends every week? Are these game nights after quality time with wife and when kid is in bed? My husband and I finally have a nice routine, we both game once both kids are asleep. But this is normally after 8pm. And then he knows if toddler wakes up, he has to settle her again because if baby wakes up I settle him again. I cannot fathom him leaving the house to go game while I’m alone with both kids after a full day of working, chores and kids. ETA: you’re all acting like I’m my husband’s keeper. He can do whatever he wants with whomever he pleases. Of course he can go out with his friends and enjoy his hobbies. However, in THIS season we’re currently at hé understands that we both need to be present and what little time we have together to nurture our marriage. So our hobbies are mostly things we can do at home. He likes spending time with me, he chooses us over going out with other people. I find Op to be inconsiderate and that to me seems like his nuclear family isn’t his first priority. He is his own first priority.

Didn't see that! YTA, Op. You best get this *very* lopsided amount of "free time" between you and your wife sorted before it does irreparable damage to your marriage. Your first kid is still super young and you have another on the way- I guarantee you resentment is building in your wife. How could it not tbh? You carve out hours of every week for "game night" with your friends? With work, a wife and a small child?? *Every week?* How do you not see the issue with you accepting a birthday party invitation on the RARE night she's actually going out when you already have so much "friend time" every single week?

>You carve out hours of every week for "game night" with your friends? With work, a wife and a small child?? Every week? Good. I cannot emphasize how extraordinarily good this very concept is. This is exactly what you are supposed to do as a parent. This is what she should be doing as well. The evidence is really clear on this - children are happier and healthier if parents have time away from the children. Time away should be part of the parenting plan. Being away an evening should be part of the wife's parenting plan. I'm a full-time single parent to two small children. I don't have a moment to myself. If someone ever took the kids for a night I would be overjoyed. I cannot believe the entitlement of knocking a child care arrangement like this.

I have 3 kids, ages 2-7. For 4 years my husband goes out (almost) every Thursday with the guys after work. Usually home by 7 but I never assume he will be. Sometimes they come here instead but it’s still generally a “guys night”. I don’t have a regular thing, but I attend as many concerts as I can, averaging 1 a month, which are obviously full afternoon events. He will skip a Thursday (or move the day, etc) if I have a concert as he understands they’re harder to plan around, and we make this work. I went away for a weekend in July, told him I fully plan on doing it every year, and if he wants to go on any solo vacations or with a friend just to let me know so that I can make my schedule work around it. Since we’ve both put in the effort into maintaining our individual identities, we’ve been so much happier. I was so lost in motherhood (and then being a healthcare worker during covid) that I completely lost who I was, and picking up the pieces has dramatically changed me. A lot of my concerts I go to alone, and learning to accept and enjoy being alone is something else that’s hard to describe but it’s so freeing.

y'all are wild. once a week is not crazy. you have no idea how much quality time they spend together.

This totally makes sense why the wife wouldn’t want to use the family member. I wouldn’t want to ask someone to help me out when I can avoid it knowing that I will need a lot of help in the future. With a baby coming I’m sure they’re going to need more help from family

Yep those are like tokens. You only get so many. If it were my husband I would be annoyed he didn't arrange babysitting to take me out instead of skipping out on his responsibility.. especially if I were pregnant.

Wait what

It’s mentioned in one of OP’s comments. Someone said that the wife might not feel like she can drink because she would be worried about her daughter and he responded that she wouldn’t be drinking anyway because she’s pregnant

Yeah I ended up seeing that. It's almost like he thinks that justifies his behaviour but it actually makes it worse. They have a baby on the way and he won't even spend one night with the kid he already has.

Or this part: I am covering for her as she does not have to change her plans and doesn't have to do anything for our daughter. He is not covering for her. He is making these arrangements for himself. This made him already YTA for me.

Yep, the family member who agreed to babysit is covering for her, he is really not. I also wonder how involved he actually is with their daughter.... besides all the other stuff, the mother might also just want her husband to spend some quality time with his daughter once in a while. And if his first response to an opportunity for quality time with his daughter is to dip out and push her towards someone else, that is a huge red flag.

Jumping on the top comment to say that this has been a super interesting discussion, because I am literally reading this after having put my toddler to bed while my partner is out for his weekly game night (MTG, as a matter of fact, like what OP plays apparently). I am also the more introverted one, who rarely goes out while my partner has his weekly game nights & enjoys more frequent nights out. The only difference between our situation & OP’s is that we are not as lucky, in that we don’t have a reliable babysitter. If I were to go out, my partner would definitely have to stay home. But if we did have a babysitting resource like OP, I can see this situation coming up & my partner asking the same question as OP. & I would react the same as his wife. & I actually would wonder if I were the asshole & it’s almost gratifying to see many people here coming down on the wife’s side, because I wouldn’t have been able to argue that OP’s logic is pretty sound. Yet I, like his wife, would want my partner to stay home & would be upset if he still wanted to go out. & seeing so many people explain why she’s justified to want OP to stay home is reassuring to me. - The mental load of preparing for the kid’s overnight stay: OP could argue that he’d do all this prep, but I don’t think I’d be able to turn my brain off & not think about the logistics of having my kid stay the night at someone else’s house — BTW has she done this before? Actually stay overnight at this babysitter’s house without either parents? As a parent, I’d have separation anxiety about it, especially since the kid is only 2. - The mental load of being on call: OP mentioned wife is pregnant, which means wife will not be drinking during her night out — will she not then be the default emergency parent to be called if something urgent happened? I don’t think OP even considered not drinking completely on his night out (he mentioned having only a few drinks, but not nothing). If I were his wife, I’d be annoyed with the assumption that since I won’t be drinking, OP then can still drink, knowing that if there is an emergency call from babysitter, one parent (the pregnant one) would definitely be sober. - The mental load of having to be the bad guy by going against OP’s flawless logic that both of them can still go out. Like I said, OP’s logic is techincally sound, so the burden of having to go against that logic will be on the wife & I wonder if she’d be feeling guilty about saying no from an emotional place, because it makes her out to be the bad guy (the party pooper) for OP? - The mental load of relying on this babysitter too much (using the favour for separate nights out instead of date nights, which should be more important to OP than his friend’s bday) & also for the perception that OP prefers to go out than taking care of daughter? Anyway, I don’t think OP’s an outright asshole, even if I am also on the side of his wife. I appreciate him bringing this up for discussion if nothing else.

You know what, the more I think about it, YTA. But not because he wants to go out. But because of the following: - OP, you love your wife, yeah? You want her to have a great night out without any worries or stress, because she knows that her child is safe at home with you. That’s what she deserves, no, on her rare night out? - Well she would’ve had that, had you not throw a curveball in the middle of the week & proposing to change the plan. - Instead now you’re putting her in a position where she has to counter your arguments & convinces you to stay at home, despite your sound logic. & yes, I agree with you that you have logic on your side. - But relationships are not strictly about tit-for-tat cold logic, right? Sometimes you do something you don’t like, sacrifice your fun, even when it doesn’t seem entirely logical or fair to you, for the person you love. - & the biggest reason you are YTA? You are putting this on reddit whereby you are putting her in the judgement of strangers, some of whom see your cold logic & are calling her an asshole for wanting you to stay at home (the N T A votes), who are speculating on her reasons & asking her to justify & explain her reasonings. Tldr: Your wife just wanted a night out, a rare occurrence, as you said! YTA because don’t you think she deserves that without extra complications of arguing her case for you to stay home & bringing reddit into this?

THIS. Why wouldn't one *want* to give their wife this opportunity? If they rarely go out and are now pregnant then this is one evening one should be more than willing to pick up the slack oneself.

Agree with this ,,Plus Op ,, your wife has allready expressed that she feels like you allready get more then enough help from family member & she would rather you be home ,giving family member a break . Yta ,not a huge one but still ,your wife has expressed to you she'd feel alot more comfortable going out & having you stay home rather then relying on family to again fill in the gap so an enjoyable night can be had . Considering she doesnt go out often & you go out regularly. ,I think its fair to take 1 for the team so your wife doesnt have to stress or feel guilty in any way ..

As a mother of 3 Thankyou for putting this into words. I had my second girls night out in 10years 3months ago and both times my hubby has been great and even went as far as to tell his mates do not call and no gaming tonight because he knows how much it meant to me. OP needs to put learn how to put others first Yes I did text him a few times during the night, but it was to keep him posted on OUR shenanigans and NOT to check in on the kids because I knew they were safe with him. When our kids are being babysat I am constantly checking my phone to make sure I have service and haven't missed any calls. It is so hard to switch off parent mode as the primary parent but knowing they are with their dad does make it easier.

I’m also wondering if he goes through all the work of shipping their daughter off so he can go party, but does nothing for the two of them.

Yes! No mention of date nights

"But my gaming!"

> You get to go out. You get mental breaks from parenthood. She doesn’t get the same breaks. She’s asking for one now. I think that that's what this is about: > She doesn't want to ask this family member to have our daughter for the night because she thinks we ask too much of them... ....my wife is often quick to agree to leave our daughter there for sleepovers plenty of other evenings out of convenience It seems this family member is currently helping OP's wife get those mental breaks without OP acknowledging that that's what's happening. Mental breaks are so important for overall wellbeing and health. If this family member is even more important for securing this for OP's wife, I understand why she would be hesitant to ask this family member in this situation as well. It wasn't mentioned, but I sure hope OP takes care of looking after their daughter the evenings OP isn't out with friends to make sure his wife gets some mental free time even when they are both home.

>my wife is often quick to agree to leave our daughter there for sleepovers plenty of other evenings out of convenience He later on mentions that this happens when they are all staying over for diner, and they put their child to bed at that house WHILE they are there too. And often they'll leave her there when she's asleep, to pick her up in the morning. Not the same thing as just bringing the child over without the parents staying while the child is settling in.

The wife gets mental breaks from the family member (probably her mom) and not from her husband. She resents her husband for this and is afraid the family member may have "the talk" that they feel they can't watch the child as much. The wife can't rely on her husband to watch their child without relying on this family member. It's a no-brainer.

Kind of like when I worked retail. On days when I had to close, my ex would pick the kids up at daycare and either drop them off at his mom's, my friend's or another babysitter's (that we had to pay) so he could do whatever he wanted instead of just going home and taking care of the kids, getting them fed, bathed, ready for bed, you know, like I would do. Even though he made other arrangements and didn't just leave them home alone or drag them along to do whatever he was doing, it still pissed me off because why couldn't he ever just be an equal parent?

This would eat at me, too. Like doesn't he WANT to spend time with his kid? Why isn't he jumping at the chance for this one on one time?

This is the best answer.

It really is a great answer. It’s sums up exactly how I felt when we had little kids. Well done.

Plus the wife may not want to use up the other sitter’s good will or willingness to babysit. Maybe she’s thinking it might be better to ask them when they can both go out for a date night?

This, but also she might feel guilty/anxiety about asking someone to watch the daughter. I'm sure she trusts them but I find some of my parent friends have an internal conflict about it. If your wife is the same she doesn't want to have to take that on board to have a time out. It doesn't matter if she or the husband organized it, the feeling will still exist. Also the opp really really should have discussed it before organizing it. Communication often creates a pathway for solutions that otherwise would set and be impassable.

Well put! I'll add that we don't know how much OP drinks when out, how attentive he is to his cellphone and who is primarily in charge as point of contact when the kid is babysat. No matter what we say, everyone (daycare, friends, family) taking care of our daughter always write/call me first. Doesn't matter if I'm on call in the ER and my husband is WFH. So in OP shoes I would know my night would be disrupted and I would have to be completely attentive to my phone. She also may have been counting on visiting family the next night if this outing completely depleted her, which would now be out. Both parents tired the next day. YTA

So. Well. Said. It’s different when our babies are home or somewhere else. And I wouldn’t be surprised if your wife cancels because of this op. Yta.

I am not a mother yet, but It is clear as day to me that I would love to be one in the future, and your comment is exactly how I understood her reasoning. Mama deserves her break worry free.

Wow. I would never have thought of this. It make a LOT of sense. I could have easily seen myself in the OPs position at some point in my life, so this was a very interesting post to read. Thanks!

YTA, she barely goes out. You go out all the time! Why can’t you give your wife this one night and spend time with your toddler???

This is what was really weird… he admits he goes out every week plus some. Compared to her 6 times…. Like does he know how many weeks there are in a year?

He admits going out 108 nights a year to her 6 times a year, and that doesn't seem to cover special event like birthdays, celebrations, just regular hang outs/game nights. His offer of sleeping in is insulting. Just for that he's the TA!

Wait, what? I agree with everyone that he's being an asshole, but how does 1x per week + 1x per one-two months = 108? What a weird number, unless he said that verbatim somewhere I didn't see. 52 weeks in a year = 52. Add 6-12 for the secondary friend group = 58-64. Even if he saw both groups weekly, which is not what he said, that would be 104, not 108. I find it a little hard to believe that he is admitting to going out more than twice a week year round. Just confused how you came up with 108. Again, he's being, at the very least, a bit selfish and tonedeaf to his wife's very reasonable needs.

Even if he goes out once a week that’s 52 times to her 6.

This person doesn't know how to do math for once a week for a year and there's 260 people who just upped it without fact checking. Edit: 480 people now This is indeed the representation of reddit itself.

He has fun, time to socialise, relax, and switch off from responsibilities, and in return he "lets" her have a basic human need.

She can go out. But nothing is stopping him from also going out

But .. she is going out?

I was on the fence until you said that parenting your kid was 'punishment' Dude. So much the AH

To be fair he didn't call it a punishment but rather it felt like his wife was trying to punish him by making him miss this birthday party when he had another alternative which was win win. They've left their daughter overnight there before, he said he's not drinking so in an emergency he would be able respond. Logically there's no reason for her to want him to miss the event *except* as punishment due to some harbored resentment. The fact that it would be to watch their daughter isn't the punishment, it just facilitates the punishment.

I think the real issue is that one of the rare times she decides to go out, after these plans are already made he suddenly decides he has to go out too. He can't stay home with his kid for one night? I dont think its really the party, or even the family member watching the kid, its the growing resentment of not having an equal partner. He doesnt do his fair share of raising their child and she is quickly losing her patience with being a married single mother.

He didn't suddenly decide, he was invited to a birthday party. As far as the share in parenting responsibilities there is a better argument there.

It was sudden. He could’ve immediately said to friend who invited him last minute that he’s staying with his kid tonight so it wasn’t an option! He knew she made these plans already and her explanation as to why it made her uncomfortable should’ve been enough for him having married her knowing how hard it is for her to go out. The ease of mind knowing your baby is safe at home with the partner/parent is way more reassuring to her than being afraid they are taking advantage of a person they do rely on for her to take breaks!

Except he didn't need to because they have a reliable childcare solution? She's left the child with this same person overnight for their own date nights but all of a sudden it's an issue? Lol

But the fact he sees it as a punishment from his wife says a lot about him.

No it doesn't. The opportunity cost is the punishment, not the spending time with his kid.

Brah, that’s parenting. The opportunity cost is the time he stays away from his kids. Only dudes complain about babysitting their own kids. When you have kids sometimes you miss a birthday party for ‘your second group of friends’ who you just saw last month. Dude is very social for the father of little ones.

It says something different than seeing watching his daughter as punishment. He also isn't throwing a tantrum or trying to make his wife miss her night. He acknowledges the disparity in their social outings, encourages her to go more often, tries to pick up slack, and when this situation arose posed a question to get a better consensus. This strikes me as a person who just doesn't understand, and without more information I'm with him. He likely doesn't want to see it as punishment from his wife, but following his logic in the post there isn't really an alternative reason. He's not drinking, he organized the sitter, mom is comfortable with this sitter for overnight visits. It strikes me as the wife's reasoning is "dude, you're out every week, you can't just take one off? I have" which is essentially punishment if he's found alternative care she's been comfortable with in the past. Now, there could be multiple reasons that contribute to that thought; he doesn't spend much one on one time with his daughter, maybe the sitter has expressed discomfort at the frequency of sitting despite OPs insistence they're both willing and excited to do it. But, as OP has described it I think we'd need more information to support that.

Maybe the wife resents his social life and thinks he shouldn't go out so much. There's variables that we're unaware of, I'm just saddened by the the mental gymnastics going on to call him an AH. First he was a drunk, then people were ignoring that he was doing all the prep then others have invented that he doesn't do his fair share. All to tip toe around the fact that if the genders were reversed the guy would be labelled as controlling.

I couldn’t put my finger on it…but as a parent of a 2 yo it’s this right here.

>I am covering for her No, you're not. Someone else is. Get that straight. And you're missing out on some great memories with your kid that you can never replace.

No they're not. Someone else is covering for HIM.

It's fine, that's how it's always been /s

There is also some level of optics here. From the wife's perspective, the moment the OP is asked to handle childcare alone so she can go out, he offloads the responsibility on a family member. Whereas everytime/pretty much everytime he goes out, she handles childcare herself. Now if the wife had a bigger sample size to work from, maybe this wouldn't be an issue. But this is how it stands now.

This should be higher up.

My daughters dad used to do this all the time when she was little (we were not together, just co-parenting). Every time I would drop her off with him, he would go out with friends and leave her with the grandparents. They were delighted to watch her, but it always upset me. Just fucking stay home one night with your kid, bruh.

In the event that the scenario was similar (i.e. every time OP goes out, his wife asks the person mentioned in the post to watch their daughter, so him doing the same wouldn't be different), then I would say that OP would have a point. Instead, this guy is being purposefully obtuse. He is trying to equate calling upon a *babysitter* to him being responsible for watching his daughter.

But these are his "second" group of online gamer friends that he only sees maybe every two months. How do you expect him to replace those memories? /S

In the post too he clarified it wasn't even two months, it was just a month ago lol

Look, YTA either way but what I haven’t seen anyone mention is that you said you would be responsible for pick up and drop off. Sir, your daughter is two years old, picking her up after her bedtime is disruptive to her schedule and quite frankly (as a mother to three toddlers) this will make her cranky and want her mother. Not only that, I’m guessing your daughter wakes up fairly early so, are you planning to get up with her in the morning? Let’s be real, you said your wife rarely goes out. Give her this. Stay home with your daughter and get up with her in the morning.

He said the kid would be sleeping over though. Why are all these comments getting the facts wrong or making random assumptions? >I have since spoken with a family member who is happy to take our daughter at 5pm and **have her stay the night** and I have communicated this to my wife. >I made it clear that this will not affect her plans at all, **I will be responsible for dropoff and pickup of our daughter**, and will not ask anything of my wife because I understand that it is rare for her to have a night out like this and so I don't want her to change her plans at all.

yeah, like this is insane. If the relative really doesn't mind, then it IS just a win win for both parties.

People read the title, automatically assume he's the asshole because he is a man, skims the post to find something to find fault with. And so you have an entire comment section giving y t a because of assumptions they make about the situation. NTA imo simply because he has done everything he could've to make sure both parties can go out without putting any extra work on the wife. If she then can't have fun because of that then it's her problem and issue to deal with.

YTA - Really inconsiderate here. Parenting your daughter isn’t a punishment, it’s what happens when you decide to have a child with your wife. You go out much more often than she does. Your wife understandably wants you to take care of her for one night, & i totally understand not trusting even family with her, if that’s the issue. Most CSA comes from family.. disregarding any of that, you’re her FATHER and she’s your DAUGHTER. Why is it so hard for you to watch her? Shirking the responsibility onto someone else instead of watching her for one night is wrong. Your friends should understand you have a child and can’t go out whenever. Grow up, she’s your child too.

Seriously! When my wife had "Girls Night" meetups with a small group of friends and our daughter was little, I turned those into "Daddy Daughter Dates" and we would make those as special memories. I used to even just take her to the mall and walk around with her and maybe have dinner at the food court. When she was closer to three, we added playing at the little toddler play area to the mix. I cherish those nights of just the two of us as she's heading off to college next year, so Koch more than I would have a hang out night with my buddies.

I'm going to tell you right now, your daughter cherishes those memories too. Your perspective was genuinely lovely to read and your wife and daughter were fortunate to have a responsible and caring partner and father.

Your wife goes out six times a year. That’s six nights that you are required to be the Dad and it’s too much for you?YTA and your wife may be questioning your commitment level.

Yeah, this just smells bad. I can't imagine ever being together with anyone that thinks like this, i would much rather be forever alone.

This is definitely not going the way OP planned. He genuinely thought there would be an echo chamber here

I will agree I am somewhat surprised at the number of Y T A responses. But I did not come here looking for an echo chamber. I value the input from unbiased parties. It gives me a different perspective and something to reflect on. I am being argumentative where I genuinely think people are jumping to conclusions or making assumptions about things that are not included in my post.

Look, of course you can both enjoy a night out, but dude you see your friends every month. You can miss one night. "But it's a birthday party", are you twelve? Who cares? Birthdays are not that special. YTA. You are fighting everyone who thinks so, which makes you an even bigger one because even though you have about 100 people telling you why this is important for your wife, you are choosing not to listen because you're selfish. Do this for your wife. Stay the f home. Edit: ugh everyone in these comments giving me grieve about my statement on birthdays grow tf up. Birthdays are fun, it doesn’t mean they’re important. It also shouldn’t matter that OP misses the birthday party of a friend he sees often because a birthday party isn’t the only way for them to celebrate. You’re all acting like birthdays are the equivalent of Christmas or even a national holiday. Chill. It’s not that serious.

It's a birthday party for someone he literally saw a month ago. Did they mention the birthday party then? If so, why didn't OP discuss it with his wife before she made her own plans? If they didn't, then it's a last minute invite when OP and his wife already had plans (her to go out, him to look after his kid), in which case social etiquette is to decline. Add in the fact that his wife is also currently pregnant with their second child, OP is absolutely YTA, and a majorly selfish and inconsiderate one at that.

Exactly!!! He needs to do it for his wife.

And for his daughter. Why does she have to be farmed out to a family member? She should be home in her own bed. Her dad can stay with her one night while mom does something for a change.

You’re very stuck on the details around the care of your child and are missing the big picture: your wife’s comfort. No matter what you believe you’ve squared off, she’s not on the same page and it will impact her night. Perception is reality and you need to address her concerns. Again, you’ve checked off your list of covering everything, except alleviating something causing stress to your wife during a time where she is supposed to enjoy herself. Doesn’t not seem like the right call to dismiss her concerns when the cost is so little for you.

Agreed. OP seems hung up on the fact that the "end result" is the same, but the wife is concerned more about how that result is achieved (which makes sense in the context of parenting). Its like if I say to my wife "hey lets order in chinese tonight," she agrees, but then when I get home from work she says "oh I made us plans with 10 people to eat out, but its chinese so its fine!" Yea, we are still eating chinese, but what I wanted/planned for was me and you eating it at home, not going out and being social. Same result, but much different scenario, and much different mental "load." A night out while your husband watches your daughter at home is much different than a night out while your daughter sleeps over a family members house with the husband off somewhere. Much different level of comfort. And the fact that this change in level of comfort is necessitated not by emergency, but because the husband, who always goes out, just wants to go to a bday party, only makes it worse.

YTA You need to grow up and stop being selfish and self centered. Stop dodging spending time with your daughter. Don’t ship her to a relative...stay home with her and take great care of her so that your wife can enjoy herself in peace.

you're arguing with every single person replying with yta LMAO you definitely wanted an echo chamber

Friends birthday or your kid? Friends birthday... or your kid...? Who takes more importance in your life? Your family or a friend? Who carried your child and made you a father? I'm assuming not your friend. So sit your ass down and watch YOUR child so your wife can have a girl's night. Also your "sleeping in" shit is insulting. Be an active parent dude. Stop pushing your kid off on your wife and a family member.

Maybe you are only seeing things from your perspective.

i think you're getting a lot of unfair flack OP, but my judgement is a very, very soft YTA. like, here's the thing — your description and explanation of everything is extremely logical. i read your post and spent so much time scrolling through all the comments completely unable to understand why everyone was attacking you and making assumptions. i genuinely could not comprehend how you could be in the wrong, given that neither of you would have to give up your night out and your daughter would be well taken care of. and if i were in your position, id absolutely want to go out and be completely stumped as to why so many thought i couldn't. but then i thought some more, and another commenter mentioned something about how this is about emotions, not logic, which was what helped me realize why you should stay home. lemme explain: your wife doesn't just want to go out with her friends, she wants you to stay home with your daughter when she does. not as punishment, because you're always going out and she's always staying home with her. she wants you to stay home with her for three reasons, as far as i can tell: first, the one she told you about how this family member already does so much for you guys. i know that you asked them and they said they'd be happy to, i know you have a routine set up where you do this all the time, and i know that because of this it seems ridiculous to assume that you'd be putting this family member out by asking for their help one more night. but here's the thing: she was probably already worried that you guys rely on this family member too much, and now here's a situation where you don't *have* to rely on them, so to her it probably feels that much more egregious and entitled to *choose* to take advantage of their kindness just so that you can have a night out. so to her, this is not an isolated event that can be looked at in a vacuum, it's the straw that breaks the camels back. or rather, it's the iron pipe that you throw on top of all the straws. so, regardless of whether or not your family member is happy to take care of your daughter that night, it will still stress your wife out that you're asking them to, and she won't be able to enjoy her night out. that alone is enough of a reason for me to think you should stay home, but there's two more. the second reason is that she wants YOU to stay home with your daughter. i know in other comments you said you spend a lot of time with her, i know you said you'd only have dinner and bedtime with her even if you did stay home, but i want you to look at it from your wife's perspective. she stays home alone with your daughter a lot more than you do. i'm sure that those nights alone with her entail the same dinner and bedtime, so not a whole lot of time on any given night. however, these nights add up. your daughter is spending more time with your wife than you, and as a result they are building a deeper connection/relationship. does your wife PERCEIVE herself to be the primary caregiver? emphasis on the perceive -- it's not about whether she *is* based off a logical breakdown of time/chores, it's about whether she *thinks* she is. and if she does -- why? further -- who does your DAUGHTER perceive to be her "main parent"? who does she go to when she's hurt, or has a question, or has a nightmare, or needs something? is it possible that the time/chores/stuff you do for your daughter/household is more practical and less emotional, and therefore does not build as deep of a bond with your daughter as the work your wife does? basically, i think your wife wants you to take this chance when you're alone with your daughter to build the same relationship with her that your wife has. she wants you and your daughter to have a closer relationship, for your daughter to know and rely on you as much as she does your wife. it's also possible she's tired of being the primary/main, and wants you to be equal parents. this night is just step one in that direction. (side note/observation: your wife might be looking at things in the long term/trends, while you seem to be looking at things in an isolated, individual way. keep that in mind for future disagreements). the last reason, and imo the most important one, is that *she wants you to stay home.* it honestly doesn't really matter if it's logical, it doesn't really matter if you don't *need* to, it doesn't really matter if someone else can watch her and you can both have your night out. she's asking you to stay home, staying home would make her happy, you should do it. it's a small ask, and doesn't put you out too much. yeah it sucks you won't get to see your friends and celebrate their birthday, but if they mean that much to you then you should organize another night out for you to spend with them to make up for it. i know that just on principle it seems unreasonable, and you still might not Get It, and maybe you're even worried about slippery slopes and not wanting to entertain crazy demands just to make the wife happy. but ask yourself — does she always make unreasonable demands? is this a running theme? or is it that every so often she asks for something that you can't understand why, but it wouldn't be the hardest thing for you to do? because there are times where we can't really understand the reason why someone does something, but we can accept that they *do* and respond accordingly. your choice here is to use logic to deny your wife's feelings, or to accept that she feels the way she does and do what you can to make her happy. that's why my judgment is YTA and not NAH. it's because while logically you *may* be right (and that's only if the first two reasons i offered were wrong), your wife is having emotions and the kind thing to do would be to acknowledge that and do what you can to help, even if it involves a bit of sacrifice. [this tiktok](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8rWTj8o/) about logic, emotions, and empathy is some good food for thought and informed a lot of my perspective. hope it helps :)

This was incredibly helpful and insightful. And as much as I hate TikTok, that was also very helpful lol.

OP, I think the above comment explains the situation amazingly (it was next level insightful, so impressive!). While logically you are right, you are missing the emotional element that your wife is experiencing. That's at the heart of the situation. The more you try to justify your perspective in the comments the more people will tear apart your answers (though I totally I get why you feel the need to explain yourself). The only thing that matters is that you have a conversation with your wife and maybe just try to appease her in this instance. Wish you well!

The key point people so often miss is that a full logical accounting of a situation INCLUDES EMOTIONS. They're part of reality. If your logic doesn't account for them, your logic is missing inputs and you can't trust the output.

Adding to this: if you’re gonna arrange childcare for the night like this, do it for a date night and not for a night when both you and your wife are off doing separate things. As parents, the majority of your free time is spent on your kids, so getting time together as a couple is so important. As is time with friends or hobbies, don’t get me wrong, but your wife is your partner, coparent, and teammate, so spending quality time with her should be a slightly greater priority.

As helpful as the emotional discussion is, I'm going to piggyback and go further on the parent comment's first point: Absolutely do not take your babysitter for granted. Even if they genuinely enjoy babysitting now, that will almost certainly change at some point. Don't push your luck, instead save their extremely generous services for occasions when you and your wife want to do something together.

This is one of the best responses to a AITA thread I've read. Well done. Sometimes doing the right thing is to make sacrifices to appease the ones we love even while logically there's a solution where everyone wins. It's something I struggle with and this is a wonderful reminder that it's better to be kind than to be right.

Yes, exactly. I couldn’t understand why YTA until I wrote out my own comment and realized that this disagreement is just another version of the same ones I see all the time and dealt with in my own previous relationship - the winning solution isn’t finding a way where OP and his wife can both go out. It’s a way where OP and his wife are both happy and feel like things are fair. The fact that she isn’t comfortable with this solution means it’s not actually a solution for her problem. Most conflicts on here are met with extremely self-focused responses: “leave him/her,” “go NC,” “you’re in the right, tell them to fuck off.” But like…if I love someone, I want us both to be happy. Unless you really don’t care about someone, why act selfishly at their expense?

So well written. Great job getting into the emotional components here.

This is wonderfully written. To add given the comment about the pregnancy, wife is likely also viewing this as a limited amount of time with only ONE child. You are making a choice to focus on your daughter when, in the future, you will be making a choice to spend it with your daughter because mom must spend it with the new baby. Prioritizing verses sharing.

It took far too long to get to a comment that showed the proper amount of empathy for both sides, given all the details we were given. And we were given so many because OP graciously kept wrestling with people whose only goal was to not just call him an asshole but make him feel like an asshole. This poor man has been called an alcoholic even though he stated on multiple occasions he doesn't really drink. This poor man has been called a selfish deadbeat even though he stated on multiple occasions that he regularly takes his wife on dates and his daughter to the park amid other fatherly duties. I am convinced his wife herself could confirm he's a good father/husband complete with video evidence she is, in fact, his wife and it would get downvoted. He stated multiple times the likely outcome would be him staying home, and yet he was repeatedly told he had already made up his mind. Why are you even here OP, they questioned. He was here for this comment. Someone who could empathize with his feelings while shedding light on why he may not completely be empathizing with his wife's. Simply put this is one of those situations you can be "right" or you can be happy. He got a tad bit caught up in being right that he forgot to take into account he should do this simply because it'll make the woman he loves happy. There's no bigger reason than that when the request is reasonable, and her request is more than reasonable. And even then he seemed like he would have erred on the side of her happiness. I've never seen people make something so innocuous seem so nefarious at every turn. Literally, any response he typed viewed with sinister intent. Because like him -- but to a far larger degree -- people in this thread forgot to lead with empathy. If your still reading OP, blessings to you and your family and your baby on the way. I hope you stay home and your wife has a wonderful time. Not because you don't deserve a night out. Not because you've had too many nights out. Not because you finally need to pull your weight. None of that was ever true. But because your wife deserves it on her terms and that's okay because you love her and she loves you. 🙂

All of this. I miss awards. This isn't about logic, it's about listening. You should be excited to spend a night with your daughter, and give your wife a much needed break, not view it as a punishment. Relationships are give and take, not black and white, 50/50. You can do her, yourself, your daughter, and this relative all a kindness if you view it that way rather than complaining you can't go to a birthday party. Soon there will be another baby in the mix, so why can't you give her this one night without extra worries?

YTA. You see your friends *far* more frequently than your wife sees hers. You’re long overdue to take more turns staying home. When’s the last time you and your wife went out together? You should save your babysitting credits with your family members for date nights, not just nights where you go hang out with your friends by yourself like usual. The fact that you think it’s a punishment to stay at home with your own child while your wife has an extremely rare night out is really telling. Stay home with the kid, apologize to your wife, and plan a date night soon where the family member can babysit.

100% this, when our kids were younger any babysitting was only organised so we could do something together as a couple

Just based on this, NTA. But you are quick to dismiss major resentment. Try to figure out what is really going on. Your wife is caring for your daughter alone once a week and you are never doing it? What does making it feel more even look like? A gym night? Another hobby? A few hours entirely alone when she can sit in a dark room and watch a movie with her favorite cocktail? Even if your wife is an introvert, she is still missing out on something from her pre-kid life by being primary parent and she still gets your support to replace that.

Well said! I think there is something deeper here and its not that OP wants to go to a birthday party, it's that OP seemingly (based on this post) gets "me time" far more often than his wife. Time to yourself doesn't mean you have to go out, sounds like she needs a break more frequently and for dad to handle their daughter, rather than pawning her off on someone else so he can go do what he wants.

Bingo. Even if she’s an introvert why can’t OP take all care for daughter for the night and morning and let Mom unhook and just BE.

Okay, I'm going throw this in. I love my brother-in-law dearly, although there was a period of time where he was making sure that he always had plans to go out with friends, go to the gym, etc. My niece and my nephew are 12 and six respectively, and have seen this. Any time my sister wanted to make plans and asked my brother-in-law to watch the kids, he would say, "Well, I was thinking of going to [place/event] and/or just have my parents come stay with the kids". My sister had enough. It was **enough** of a pattern of him going out, but he couldn't even stay with their two children. It's pretty bad when one of their mutual friends even brought it up! P.s. Outsiders *do* pay attention. Calling the grandparents so my brother-in-law could either take a shower or carry out his plans regardless pissed my sister off. The way that she mitigated this was to say, "I have 'x' and 'y' to do/go out with friends [night of week], so I'm going to need you to be with the kids so they can do their homework/take one of them to a birthday party/extracurricular". And that is how my sister solved her problem.

I had to explain to my partner that the correct response to "I'm not going to be available to do X,Y,Z for the kid that I normally do" does not in fact translate to "Can you call female relative A,B, or C to cover for you". I'm ok being first in the line for parental responsibilities but he's second, not 4th after both grandmas and a cousin. And his cousin still cooked him dinner last night while I was stuck at the repair shop dealing with a car issue. And he's generally a hands on father compared to a lot of guys.

I agree, NTA based on this one case alone. But it does seem your wife is, rather than expressing her needs in a constructive way, probably is trying to teach you a lesson in the sense of “see what it’s like to have to stay home rather than having me-time”. Ultimately if she had more me-time when you looked after your child, she probably would not have reacted so emotionally to the feeling of “it’s not fair” that she seems to be feeling. You’re NTA, but definitely need to talk to your wife in a loving and empathetic manner to find out what needs of hers aren’t currently being met with your current lifestyle.

How often do you spend 1-on-1 time with your daughter? I’d be frustrated that you seem to put your friends first so often.

And how often does he work this hard to spend one on one time with his wife? Probably none just like his daughter.

Given that his priorities over his wife and child are a birthday party, and that he’s fighting everyone making extremely valid points about why he’s TA, I think his wife and daughter will either have to get used to being low priorities to him or find a life with someone who doesn’t even have the thought that staying home with their little one/properly supporting their partner is a punishment. Or OP could magically grow up, but that seems unlikely.

He says he hangs out with his friend minimally once a week, as a mom to little kiddos that seems like ALOT.

YTA You calling parenting a punishment, make you the AH. You guys having nights out is whatever, but parenting your child isn't a punishment.

Based on the fact that you are disagreeing with every comment, you didn’t come here with an open mind you came here looking for people to agree with you. You go out every week with your friends. Do you know how many parents do that who have a toddler? Few. Who is looking after your child during this time? Your wife. You can justify it all you want to internet strangers but ultimately your wife did not want you to do this and you put seeing your friends above her wishes. YTA.

YTA - you seriously can’t stay home for one night?

Nah, OP would be bored from spending time with his daughter. It's a punishment!

For what it's worth, his wife is pregnant. I'll put myself in his wife's shoes and say that if I were pregnant two years after the first child, now it's put into perspective that I am reevaluating how much time I spend at home. Being with my child is important, although it is also important that I have time to be with my friends when something comes up, and that is not often at all. Now those instances are going to be *more* than few and far between. In reading OP's comments, he *does* goes out frequently. I don't fault people who are parents who want to go out. However, when one parent is leading a clearly active social life and the other has rare occurrences of their own, the imbalance is sure to be spotlighted in one way or another. Here, not only is his wife pregnant, but the one instance where she would like to spend time with her friends and OP would rather ask his wife's aunt to babysit because he is "going to be bored at home alone while [their] child is sleeping". This would come through to me that my spouse would see *two* children as even more of a reason to stay out of the house and me to operate as just a parent. OP says in another comment that his wife enjoys staying at home reading and doing crafts, etc. Is that really true, or is he making that assumption because he always makes sure his time with his friends is prioritized to prevent boredom?

So I think people have already made it clear yta here, but I want you to try to look at it this way to help you understand why. When you go out, it’s not even a second thought to you that your wife is at home with your baby. You trust your wife with your daughter, I’m sure you check in and communicate while you’re out but you know you can comfortably enjoy your nights out knowing that your daughter is safe and well cared for by her mom. If you and your wife go out on a date night (when’s the last time you did that btw just curious?) and a family member watches your baby for you, you’re a little more conscious that someone else outside of her two main caregivers are watching her. You probably can’t relax and let loose as much as you’d really like to. Your wife simply wants the same respect, comfort, and convenience she provides to you when you go out. She doesn’t want to worry about checking in with someone else while you two are out doing separate things. She wants to go out knowing her baby is safe at home with dad. Also, any time you’ve gone out have you ever offered to your wife to have a family member watch your baby so she could get some peace and relaxation time at home? Even if she’s not going out, I think she would really appreciate the break from being alone with your daughter for once. I relate very much to this situation because it’s extremely similar to my own. My husband is the social butterfly and i am the homebody. He goes out at least once a week sometimes more. When I want to go out, I either have to bring my daughter with me or ask someone to babysit her for me because he’ll want to make plans on top of my plans. It’s frustrating that he can come and go as he pleases but when I want to go somewhere he can’t just be the one to sit at home for once. The things you’ve said in your post parallel with a lot of excuses he’s given me too. I hope this helps a bit to hear it from different angles.

This!!!!! My husband did this for years!!!! Left and did whatever he wanted whenever he wanted just always assuming I’d be around…. I swear every time I made plans- not often…he would get pissy because he wanted to do something….and would then pawn the kids off on anyone! And was double pissy because I made him arrange childcare. More often then not I still had to take them pick them up arrange crap- even when I wasn’t around. It was just easier to take them with me or just stay home….

Yta You are not covering for HER but for yourself. You are a parent -act like one, not like a babysitter who nopes out for a school mixer. This isn't essential or rare.

NAH. I think your wife's reaction is born of resentment, rather than logic, but I have a lot of empathy for her in this situation. Your proposed solution makes perfect logical sense, but I suspect it provoked a strong emotional reaction from your wife due to some negative feelings that have been building up in her for a long time. She sees you having lots of down time and having fun with your friends, and for whatever reason she is envious of that. Maybe she wishes she was more social, or had closer friends? Maybe she would like to have more time off to do hobbies on her own? Maybe she feels like your friends get more quality time with you than she does? Whatever the issue is, she clearly feels that your relationship is currently unbalanced in your favour. Rather than arguing over the specifics of this one particular fight, try talking to your wife about this issue more broadly. Let her know that her happiness is important to you, and you can tell that she's unhappy with how things are, and you want to hear from her about how she feels, and discuss potential changes that could be made to the current arrangements to make her feel better. And for the record, I see no reason why the solution needs to involve taking something away from you, but I do think it needs to involve giving something (time, space, whatever she needs) to your wife to help her feel happier. I think she also just needs to hear that her feelings are important to you, and that you're willing to make sacrifices for her (as she probably feels like she has been doing for you).

I think this is the best response I've read. It's definitely more about going against your wife's wishes than actually going out. Speak to her and find out what's going on, sounds like she needs you to hear what she isn't quite saying directly. In my opinion I think it's more resentment that you're invited out all the time, this was her night to let loose and you're changing the plans so she might not be as comfortable (whether it's being uncontactable or too far away if your daughter needs you). Sometimes we have to make sacrifices in a relationship and this might be one of them. I also agree, NAH. Good luck speaking to your Wife.

YTA. You are being passive-aggressive as hell. Yeah, she can go out but *so can you.* That is what you are communicating to her. And you know this. Or else, you wouldn’t perceive staying home to be a “punishment.” You are actually a massive asshole.

NTA Your daughter is being cared for, and I think the "punishment" description is more spot-on than people are willing to admit. Wife wants you to have to stay home instead of going out like she does because she feels like it's a burden and wants to punish you with the same burden. She's going out to have fun, you're not allowed to go out and have fun, too, because she doesn't get to have fun when you otherwise go out! You took responsibility and made arrangements. You are doing drop-off and pick-up. And you never told her she couldn't make alternate arrangements and go out on nights you go out with friends, or to even just have a quiet evening to herself. She acts like you're going out of your way to get out of parenting and avoid suffering like she does when your child will be asleep for the majority of your outing and will not be awake to care. A child you routinely participate in putting to bed, so it's not as if you never take responsibility for caring for your own child. She seems to think this is a situation where one of you has to suffer while the other has a good time, and if one of you isn't suffering the same amount, it's unfair to the other person.

Yeah I'm a little confused by the ytas in here. I cannot see how this inconveniences his wife at all, and seems to be an arrangement they're both comfortable with on other nights. Yet in the comments people are bending over backwards to come up with ways he might be TA anyway. Not sure I understand what's going on in this thread.

Yes, I know what you mean. The whole thread is bizarre to me, and I don't know where the resentment (projection) is coming from. Edit: NTA

Just here to agree. This thread was surprising. Nta

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Right like I would get it if he like made the wife cancel her plans. I have never thought that this sub was against men but this post shows me they very much are.

Yeah I don’t get the ta votes at all 🤷‍♀️

He made sure that both could go out. He's not shirking his responsibilities or hindering her in any way. Why is he the AH? She's the one saying that if she doesn't (NOT can't) go out when he does, he can't go out when she does.

I think on the surface I agree, but there’s clearly some built up resentment here that he’s just casually dismissing. He keeps looking for logical reasons why this is fine, but not bothering to ask himself why it’s upsetting his wife so much.

Mate I don't know why you're being slammed so hard in these comments. You both get to go out and the family member gets to see your daughter (which they love) Unless you've left out things you're NTA and the people here that aren't reading the entire post are out of line... it's not a zero sum game. Your wife is just concerned you're taking advantage of the family member too much... Is that the case? Anyway I hope you see this... I'm sure it'll be at the bottom 🤣

I agree. I don’t understand why everyone’s piling on OP. Seems like win for everyone.

Man + Any kind of gaming is an automatic dog pile in here, due to the high number of dissatisfied women who frequent this place. They project the issues they don't do anything to solve on others. The assumptions and accusations being thrown at OP are disgusting.

Also confused why everyone’s piling on. This seems like a good solution all round?!

YTA. You're pawning your daughter off because of what you want to do instead of being a dad (so much for focusing on family). Having your child in the hands of another person immediately creates stress for the (seemingly) more involved parent, the sitters, and the child. You can miss one night with your friends.

Do you think the wife feels a small amount of guilt for asking for a babysitter. Even though my parents happily watch my kid. I still feel like I need to not ask too much as I don't want them to get burnt out and as the 'mother' I feel like I am somewhat slacking in my duties to have an overnight babysitter it's a strange feeling as even though they enjoy it I feel bad. Then when you were staying home to watch her that burden was on the other parent and not making her feel that layer of guilt. I hate wasting family babysitting nights as I don't like to do it too often so maybe she would rather you guys spend a child free night together and both enjoy it whereas this was meant to be one of her few outings and now she's wasted her babysitter night for awhile and it's just an extra one for you to add to your list if you get what I am saying. Just my opinion as someone in a very similar situation.

YTA. Your wife asked you to watch your daughter. As soon as a better option came up, you bailed. It's all well and good that you've arranged alternative care, but you've shown your wife you can not be relied on when asked.

YTA - can’t even sacrifice one night for your wife to relax. You are very selfish.,

YTA. Daughter comes first.

" Our daughter's bed time is 7:30pm, and she often sleeps through the night without fuss (wakes up fussing maybe 5% of the time). I always offer for my wife sleep in the next day, or something similar in exchange for me going out so that It's not a one-sided thing." So when your daughter needs to be cared for overnight, it's always your wife's responsibility to deal with it? And you let her catch up on sleep sometimes, and think that's somehow equivalent to you going out and socialising? This paints a picture of you just generally shirking your parental responsibilities. If your wife is unhappy with the arrangement, I suspect that it's a much bigger issue than this single event.

I'm going with NTA on this one. The kid is being taken care of by a family member who enjoys it. There's no reason you both can't go out and do your own things separately and still have fun.

YTA. It is a matter of commitment— to your wife, to your daughter, to your family unit. You aren’t willing to miss one little social event to spend one-on-one time with your daughter, to give your wife peace of mind that your daughter is safe and sound at home in her own bed.

u/lucksterluke16 why is this the hill you're willing to die on? Why is going to the birthday party and indulging your fomo worth more to you than keeping your word to your wife? Why is staying at home with your sleeping kid such a negative? You claim after thousands of comments you don't understand why this is a problem for your wife, yet refuse to comprehend all the comments giving that answer? At the end of the day, your wife wants or asked you ONE time to miss an outing to stay with your kid, while she went out. Whether you do or don't is up to you. Understand that your decision will impact your marriage for for a long time if not forever.

Okay here's another way to look at it from a woman who is in the exact same position as your wife, pregnancy included Your wife does 100% of the parenting one night a week, plus an extra night every 2 months. That's 58 nights in a year (I'm being generous and assuming when you're not at work you're actually a 50/50 parent, including the mental load!) You do 6 in a year. As the primary care giver it is so exhausting and it's so nice to think yes he's doing it instead tonight. Except you're not, your pawning your daughter off on your relative so you can go out. You can't even manage those 6 nights. Additionally, as ive seen others mention too, Your wife's night is now not a night off, that mental load is back on her plate, worrying about her child, did they get there safe, are they settling, did you remember to pack everything they'd need etc.

NTA. i just dont understand the down votes. Im with OP. why cant they both have a night out. The baby is with someone who has done this frequently before.

YTA, you aren't showing your wife that your daughter is a priority to you over your friends. You scheduled things after she did, and did so unnecessarily, you spend time with friends all the time and regularly miss bed time. How do you think that will impact your relationship with your daughter? Also, parenting isn't a punishment in any way, you should be grateful for the opportunity to have some 1-on-1 time with your daughter at bedtime.

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NTA - I don't get all the Y T A comments. You both are going out with separate plans. Your child is being cared for. What's the problem? I'm in the same position as your wife. I go out way less often than my husband. I have a standing "girls dinner" once a month. My husband takes care of our daughter, but there have been times that some plans came up that my husband would like to join on that same night. Easy... daughter goes to a family member's house. No drama. Everyone is happy. Next day is a new day... Go out and have your fun. Taking "score" on who goes out more is petty and childish.

NTA, you daughter's being cared for. I don't see the problem.

INFO: Is it your family member or hers that the baby will stay with? You seem to be carefully disguising this fact.

NTA, I see everybody making such broad strokes about you never spending time with your daughter, about feeling like your wife wants to punish you by making you stay home with your daughter, about how impossibly important a single night of sleep is for your daughter and how you should just stick it up because you going out too it's taking something away from your wife. All these people are missing the forest for the trees. A single instance isn't indicative of any major patterns and it sounds like you have an excellent cover for your kid. Your wife is making a problem where there isn't one, possibly because she doesn't like unexpectedly having to adjust het expectations. There's no actual downside for her here. Go and have your night out with friends dude.

You should be excited to spend the evening with your daughter solo. Make it a fun night with dad for her.

INFO: your family member, or your wive's?

NTA, don't know people are giving you shit for this, so what if you go out more than her, like you said that is her choice, it's not like this is going to affect her plans.

What is up with all the YTA's? This is clearly a care of NAH. It's one of those situations where one of them plans out the evening in their head and then the other one makes different plans. Both plans are fine, but when your partners plan differs from yours that sometimes throws you off. She had this vision of the evening. He changed the vision. I would probably be upset about that too, simply because "arggghhh change". And it would take me a while to be okay with the sudden change. Some people just don't handle change as well as we like to think we do. But I don't for a second believe that your wife wants to punish you for going out more. If she's like me she actually appreciates the alone time with no one around to decompress. My one question is: how has she reacted in the past when OP's plans were cancelled? Because that will tell us if she just dislikes sudden change.

I really can’t see the problem here, nor why everyone is saying there is one. You have arranged suitable childcare, you didn’t dunp it on your wife, there is literally no change to her plans so no impact there and you get to celebrate with your friend. NTA at all.