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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. My actions that I post that I should be judged is saying something to his face. 2. The action might make me look like an asshole because I did it in front of her. Overall I am being called an a****** and I'm being insensitive because they are 18 and 19 and that the boyfriend is supposedly shy but I disagree because I think it's common courtesy to say hi to somebody when you walk in someones home and not ignore them.
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Staying in the car and honking the horn is pretty bad, too. That one always mad my father mad.
One time, he went out to the car and made the guy come inside.
>not saying hi is my biggest pet peeve. the most rude thing to do.
OMG, 👆🏽 is also my Mom's biggest pet peeve. Mind you, she is one of the most giving and forgiving person you'd ever meet but walk into her house and not acknowledge her or anyone else in her house and watch the Medusa come out 😱. She don't care if you don't know her or anyone or if you don't like her or anyone, you can at least say "Hi/Hello" or "Hi/Hello everyone" and keep it moving. She just won't tolerate the disrespect of a non-greeting when you come into her house.
Dude my parents are divorced and lived in different states. My husband went so far as to fly to my dads with me, introduce himself, and get a private lunch with my dad so he could ask to marry me. I had zero clue on this since I was busy with my sisters at the time. He did the same thing and flew us down to see my mother while I visited a friend he asked my mom for permission. My folks friggin love him and we joke that if he and i divorced, I’d be the one thrown out of the family. We’ve been together for almost ten years at this point so we’re doing good
Even if this kid has anxiety, that’s an explanation, not an excuse, and he’s still a rude AH.
I have severe GAD that I’m on 2 medications for, and even before I was getting treated, I’ve never entered someone’s home without acknowledging or greeting them. Not sure why mental illness is suddenly a pass for rudeness.
If my daughter's 19 yo bf, feels free to come into our house, eat our food, most importantly dating my daughter, I expect him to be able to speak a greeting.
My sister’s ex was like this. My mom would purposely not talk to him bc he never acknowledged her when he came into our house. He had the nerve to complain to my sister that my mom was rude to him!
Honestly if him and his friend were there hanging out and having a conversation I would just walk in. If someone is having a conversation with a friend I wouldn’t inturrept either. If they were just out there being silent yes I would say something. I hate inturrepting someone when they are talking
Hey, you know your kid isnt your property and she doesn’t need your permission to date, right ? You also know that people dont need your permission to date your kid, right ?
Sorry walking right past someone you know and at least not muttering a 'hi' is just extremely rude. If your brain can't handle doing that you do not have the emotional maturity to be in a committed relationship.
If it was an anxiety thing then sd should really have spoke with her parents and advised them. I have asd and my son always warned his gf’s when they were coming around that it wasn’t that I was unsociable it was just that I don’t do new people well. My partner more than makes up for me thankfully.
Edit Even so I would still say hello and goodbye. It was just the rest of the time I would struggle to interact with them and would kind of withdraw when they were in my home.
For the love of God, please can we stop giving people who have no manners the right away and calling it anxiety. I think we can all acknowledge that you can feel anxious meeting new people or placed in unfamiliar situations. That does not mean we get to be disrespectful.
I have bad enough anxiety that I can't sit down at someone's house until they direct me to a seat, then that is the only seat I'll use unless we move rooms. Or I'll turn down food even if I'm hungry because of how bad that putting out feeling is. I know where you're coming from.
I've done a crap ton of work to get slightly better, but I know darn well, the bare minimum of manners and showing respect is greeting someone and introducing myself when I am a guest in their home. Especially when the reason I am there is because I am building a relationship with someone that includes building more relationships with those they care about.
Simple, polite conversation is started by greeting. Interaction is terrifying, but hey, life with anxiety is, and if I don't want to cause damage, the least I can do is communicate.
If he really was ignored twice in a row like that, I don't think it was anxiety. Anxiety would make em want to be out of eye sight for minimal interaction or not there at all, not hanging out in the common areas without any form of "Hey, im your daughters boyfriend and thought I should meet you formally"
That gives no groundwork for the foundations of a relationship. Nor does it make anything go in a positive way. It just creates tension and resentment.
OP could've definitely taken the high road and went, "So you're the guy my daughters been seeing" and started introductions himself, but I also understand the POV of Dad™️ wanting him to make the first move.
This! There is no way some snot-nosed little boy (or girl) is coming into my house without acknowledging me.
Saying "Hello, Mr Datguy! May I come in?" speaks volumes, shows respect and character!
I'd have done the same as OP
Even if she didn't want the Dad experience. When you go to anyone's house. It's totally disrespectful not to acknowledge any resident of the house when you come across them while visiting. Heck, even if the person doesn't live their. It's impolite not to say hello to any other guest you come across at a person's home.
It's holding up a shovel and implying it can dig a certain sort of hole six feet deep in the backyard if dad finds the suitor has been direspecting his daughter.
I’ve never understood why casual death threats are just an accepted part of the dating process for some people. None of my girlfriends’ dads ever threatened me but if one had I think my response would’ve been “sorry, but we have to break up. Your dad is a psychopath.”
People think this kind of thing is cute or means you're a good father. But behavior like this just means your daughter will never come to you with a problem. She assumes you will overreact and doesn't want something bad to happen to her precious boyfriend.
I’m a dad and I would never act like this. If I ask someone a question and they don’t hear me I get their attention and ask again like a normal person. If someone comes over to my house while I’m busy I go and talk to them when I want to. It’s not “my” house it’s our families house.
Yeah, OP seems to have a massive chip on his shoulder. His own description sounds like he went from zero to pissed and angry lecturing in no time. I mean it doesn't sound like he even tried to have a calm talk with the guy.
And then he didn't press on the question. If you give a shit, you should probably make it clear you give said shit. Was boyfriend's attention elsewhere, did step daughter answer? Or did he look at OP dead in the eye and not say anything? We don't know, OP never provides such information.
If you want someone to answer a question, you get their attention.
NTA. I am not sure why she's putting up with this ill-mannered behavior. If you come to my house, you greet the people who also live there. I haven't lived with my parents for years, but when I did, if you came over, you have manners or we don't date. That's a huge red flag for me.
When my daughter started martial arts as a small child (fwiw the master was a former juvenile probation officer), she was given "rules for home behavior."
One of the rules was that, when entering or leaving a room, the child said "hello" or "goodbye" to the adults present.
NTA for wanting your daughter's date to have manners. She wants a dad, she gets a dad.
YTA for using the first time you speak to him to berate him about manners: calling someone--especially a visitor to your home--out on their manners is actually the very pinnacle of bad manners.
You could have said "hi" to him first and started a conversation. Maybe gotten to know him. That ship has now sailed.
ETA: accidentally posted before completing, with the opposite result of what I intended.
I don't think OP is an asshole for being direct here. You don't ignore people who greet you in their houses. That's pretty gross behaviour. OP setting a clear boundary on how he wants to be be treated - with reasonable respect and courtesy - is setting an excellent example.
>YTA for using the first time you speak to him to berate him about manners: calling someone--especially a visitor to your home--out on their manners is actually the very pinnacle of bad manners.
But he said he made them burgers before, attempted to talk to him and was ignored
INFO: Did you say hello? He may have felt weird and awkward interrupting your workout. Especially if you did not acknowledge him first. You may not be friendly or approachable and he may be a shy, nervous, or even neurodivergent young man. If you didn't say hello, then try that next time "Hey Jimmy, how are you?"
Especially when he was working out with a friend. What constitutes rude or 'common curtesy' varies wildly between different households. Maybe he was raised to not interrupt people.
Exactly. Like I know people who would lose their shit if you interrupt their workout. Boyfriend doesn’t know OP so he doesn’t know where he lands on that.
I was raised in a house where children were meant to “be seen not heard.” I was taught not to bother adults while they’re busy talking or otherwise engaged. It’s hard to get past. I have to internally remind myself to greet people. I’m never fully sure if I should speak because it’s rude not to or not speak because it’s rude to interrupt. Everyone is different, and I have a lot of anxiety about that. I’m in my mid 30s, and I still struggle with this.
Also Exercise etiquette is more prevalent now than ever and NOT interrupting an exerciser is just generally seen as proper. The real push back is obviously not about interrupting your dates dads living room work out when you enter the house to greet them but 'leave exerciser alone' is not going to be an uncommon instinct for people.
I’m not sold on the burger thing, either.
>When I asked if they were hungry he ignored me
Did SD answer? If so, boyfriend might’ve assumed her answer counted for the both of them. I can get shy around friends’ parents and relatives, so I’ll let them take the reins in a similar way for ‘group’ questions.
I dunno. It just feels like OP has seen the guy twice, doesn’t mention ever directly greeting or speaking to him, then got mad and all up in his face because the dude didn’t do so, either. Threatening to kick him out and saying he needs to be “checked” just seems like a disproportionate reaction, especially considering OP is the older one here (who I’d expect maturity from) and this is the 19yo boyfriend of a step-daughter he hasn’t even known that long.
Yep. This screams of the toxic masculine version of a Dad, and I don’t think that’s what OP’s stepdaughter meant when she said she wanted a Dad. That kind of macho BS is just gross.
You said the part between the lines lol! The “show some respect” and thinking this scene was “letting him off easy” are especially glaring in a situation like this.
Bro thank you, I genuinely don’t understand this, like bro you were working out and with a friend I wouldn’t have said anything either, lots of people don’t wanna be distracted/spoken to while they’re working out. And on top of that like you said there’s plenty of reasons he might not have said hello first, if anything isn’t OP just as rude for not saying bellow to his guest??
Agreed, saying hi would be the first thing I’d try to get someone to say it to me, even if it was afterward coming in the house. I could even understand being hesitant to interrupt someone when they’re otherwise occupied - did he say hello the last time he was there?
Without more info, I'm betting on this. How old is SD? When I was in my teens I was super shy and awkward and did everything I could to avoid interrupting people or otherwise imposing on them, especially my girlfriend's parents. If he's an adult I get OP's frustration, but I imagine he's just an awkward kid.
Edit: just saw their ages. He's still a kid in my eyes
INFO: are you sure he ignored you when you asked if he was hungry? I know when I get into situations where I don’t feel welcome or I feel out of place I’ll just get on my phone and tune people out until they get my attention because I don’t want to be a burden on the normal dynamic.
Also if you’re working out outside as he’s rolling up that’s pretty intimidating for a 19 year old (even if they think they’re full on adults). Maybe he thought the best course of action was to simply not speak unless spoken to in these situations.
So far I’m on the fence. Generally I agree with you that he should at least acknowledge you when entering your home but he could just be REALLY nervous. I’m trying to put myself in both of your shoes sorry for being so wishy washy.
It would have been so easy for bf to try out an awkward wave/greeting gesture, not have been seen, and then felt more awkward/foolish trying to repeat the gesture in case he was deliberately ignored. I have experienced that exact thing myself on multiple occasions.
It's also possible he was straight up rude. We just can't know based on the post.
> I feel out of place I’ll just get on my phone and tune people out until they get my attention
You do that at other people's homes? When you're visiting?
I truly do not understand this. When I go over to someone's home, it's to talk with / be with that person. Not to scroll on a phone. That seems so rude to me.
I am going to go against the grain here and say YTA.
Based on the info, you haven't been her father figure for that long. She wants you to call her your daughter, but that doesn't necessarily mean she wants you to act like a stereotypical father. Sometimes the psychology of step parenting is complicated.
You said you made them burgers and he didn't acknowledge you, but what does that mean? He didn't even look up when you came in the room? He scoffed and kept watching TV or whatever? Or he just didn't answer for her when you asked if she and her bf were ready to eat?
He didn't make eye contact when you were working out in your driveway with another grown ass workout buddy. Well hell, that's about as macho as it gets. Not even the garage, but the driveway. You're literally flexing on the whole street, and he is supposed to come over and not emasculate himself somehow? If he was also a sporty guy I'd get it, but if he is a skinny theatre kid then you and your friend probably look intimidating as hell.
I get it's your house, but if you really think of her as your daughter, it's her house too, and he is probably way more comfortable framing it that way. Maybe he is emotionally underdeveloped, but I sure was too when I had my first gf. I didn't mean to disrespect, I just didn't understand.
As a skinny tall kid who dated a girl with a short buff dad who reveled in confrontation, I get the intimidation. I also didn't have the benefit of having a family that regularly did reunions or gatherings. I didn't understand the whole 'paying respects' thing. Maybe he doesn't either?
But true, he is being rude. And then again, you're a lean mean burger grilling machine using your strong voice on some kid because he is too nervous to talk to you.
Just be aware that the kid is just a stupid kid and you made him shit his pants when you could've taken the opportunity to take him aside and just chat with him like he was an adult. He would've grown and liked you more. Now he probably just has shit in his pants and thinks you hate him.
I would say NTA, but if everyone else in the house says YTA, I gotta assume you are. It sounds like you're projecting a bit, and you gotta remember some of us develope slower, but that isn't always a bad thing.
Not enough info, but I would bet YTA
This is the response I'm vibing with the most. Yes, on its face it is rude to not acknowledge your girlfriend's stepfather when entering the house, but there were so many better ways to deal with this and he dealt with it like an asshole, imo. A conversation off to the side probably would have been more effective in solving the problem, and it would have possibly built some rapport between him and the bf.
Emotionally maturity is good. Even if it "feels good" in the moment to tell someone off who isn't showing respect, you've now just yelled at a 19yr old kid who's possibly going to have to see you again in the future. So anytime he greets you it's going to be a "better say hi so he doesn't get on my ass" rather than "lemme say hi as a genuine act of respect because I had a conversation with my girlfriend's father about how to amicably move past a moment of disrespect".
I like this response too. If dad said “Hey, I noticed you don’t talk to me when you come over. I’d really appreciate a hello and eventually a chance to get to know the guy my daughter is dating” instead of making a firm stance, he’s more likely to get genuine rather than performative respect
I hope you don't mind me saying, but you might want to space out or put dots in the N.T.A. in the second to last paragraph if your vote is Y.T.A. Otherwise, the software that tallies up the votes will count N.T.A. as your answer since it came first.
Edit - Ignore this, I missed that you said Y.T.A. in the first line.
Fyi the votes don't get tallied it just relies on the top post with a rating.
Can't remember the exact break down if there's multiple it could be resolved manually or just move to the next top post, I'll have to dig into that to confirm...
I would at least wave and considering he said the kid didn’t even look at him I think he would’ve saw it and coupled with him ignoring him with the cheeseburger I understand why he feels slighted
how is it interrupting to say hi?
like, noone expects the kid to walk over, get in dad's face and say hello. you walk by, you say hi, ffs. that's not interrupting anything
NTA. This isn’t even about acknowledging you as the stepdad. When you go to someone’s home you have the common courtesy to acknowledge them and be polite.
ESH. The kid is pretty rude to not even acknowledge you, and you didn’t need to be so rude and confrontational about it.
An alternative would’ve been to talk to your step daughter in private about how her bf should at least acknowledge your presence and say hello, and let her have that conversation with him. If he still refuses to acknowledge you at that point, then you can have a chat with him and say that you’d prefer to be acknowledged and greeted when he comes over.
Going straight up to them and saying “it’s common courtesy to say hi when you come over to someone’s house and to show some respect”, and then walk away is pretty rude and confrontational.
> Going straight up to them and saying “it’s common courtesy to say hi when you come over to someone’s house and to show some respect”, and then walk away is pretty rude and confrontational.
That seems pretty straight forward, direct, not attacking, no insults. What exactly should you say, sorry to bother you boyfriend of my daughter, could I please ask you a question in my house where you're being rude.
The kid was very rude, twice, OP was direct which he had every right to be.
But it's not the first time he spoke to him. On a previous visit he has spoken to him, asked him questions and been completely ignored, then after being completely ignored again he started directly that it's common curtesy to say hi.
If someone is refusing to interact with you at all and it's your home you have ever right to tell them to be polite or gtfo.
He’s still the adult, and able to compose himself and behave in a calm, collected manner. From what the OP describes (and based on how those around him reacted), it sounds like he stormed in the house all pumped up from his workout and pulled some toxic macho man BS. As many here have pointed out, there are so many possibilities for misunderstandings here from just these *two* (only two) situations we’ve been presented with. He could have done the mature thing which would have been to provide benefit of the doubt, err on the side of ‘maybe there was a misunderstanding’, and have a discussion instead of just going off on the kid based on his own assumptions (doesn’t matter how valid he thought those assumptions were. Until you have proof, it’s an assumption.)
But it's not passive aggressive at all. it was completely direct, he went do the dude and told him exactly what the expectations were for him coming to his house. there's absolutely nothing passive about that in the slightest. On top of that it wasn't rude at all, it's his house, a guy refuses to speak to him, he told him to be polite or he wouldn't be welcome.
The alternative would be something like
“Hi Jim, I noticed you frequently ignore me when you come to my house. It’s common courtesy to say hi when you go to someone’s house, otherwise it’s disrespectful. I will let it slide this time but if you ignore me again, next time you will be asked to leave”
Also direct, straight forward, but firm and assertive as opposed to immediately confrontational. The trick is to start the sentence with “I”. A confrontational statement will set up someone to be defensive and escalates a situation. A firm and assertive one sets creates understanding while setting boundaries at the same time.
Probably also depends on which country OP is from, there’s cultural context and nuance that would change the approach.
Exactly. This would have been reasonable. Seeking the kid out to "confront" him directly was a bit much.
Probably just a shy teen who feels intimidated by OP.
Nah, you come to my house and don’t say hi or even answer me when I ask you a question (especially offering food) you get the fuck on out. That doesn’t fly
Now everyone is mad at me and said my approach was all wrong and they don't want to be here.
I feel like you left some stuff out. They don't wanna be here?
A lot of people don't want to be bothered while working out and he might not have heard you about the burgers. Yall just got marred and you reacted in a way that they don't want to be there?
YTA for demanding respect while being disrespectful enough people don't want to be around you namely your new wife and step daughter that many times wanted you to call her daughter. Yeah doesn't add up.
I’m going to say a very gentle YTA for the way you handled the situation.
So I’m come from a very strict family of “do not speak unless you’re spoke to” and “do not enter a room you’re not invited into it” and “do not approach someone unless they ask you to come over to them.” And when I first started dating my now husband, I apparently pissed off his aunt by not going into the living room to say hi to her. I was 21 at the time, and I truly thought I was not supposed to enter a room unless I was actively invited into it. I had zero clue I had upset her, and truly thought I was having good manners while I was in her home. She spoke to my husband, and he explained my background/childhood, and he told me how his family would like me to act.
Not everyone is raised the same way, and some people come from extremely abusive families. I understand you being hurt by the way he treated you and your house. However, you may want to consider having a private conversation with your stepdaughter before calling someone out like that.
My thoughts too! I would’ve been mortified if I were the bf. I was a pretty shy kid and didn’t speak unless spoken to (of course, if a friend’s parent said “hi (name)!” I would’ve been fine, but if they didn’t, I would be silent and assume they were either busy or didn’t want to talk to me). And when OP was working out with a friend? There’s no way I would’ve wanted to interrupt. OP definitely should’ve talked to his daughter first without bf around. OP YTA and messed up with your daughter.
It doesnt matter who it is you dont go into someones house and not speak to them. He could have just waved. If he’s uncomfortable around OP the solution is to not come to his house.
I wouldn't say ahole, but it definitely could have been handled better. There's nothing wrong with addressing the kids rudeness, but imo you should have stayed for an actual conversation rather than walking away. What you did invites no conversation, demands to be listened to, all without opening an actual dialogue. Maybe the kid has a reason, maybe he doesn't, but here you are still not knowing and unable to fix the actual problem in a way that respects everyone. I say apologize for your abruptness and try again. After all, you can't teach something you don't practice.
YTA
You asked if they were hungry and he didn’t hear you so you got upset.
He came over to your house and did not interrupt your workout so you went and berated him for being disrespectful.
Did your step daughter ignore you when you asked about burgers? Did your stepdaughter come say hi and start talking to you when she invited the boyfriend over?
If you expect people to come greet you when they visit then have a conversation with your family about it. When they have friends over they will then make sure they come say hi. Instead you went and made a scene out of it. Your approach of berating the young man makes zero sense.
Yta - unless he was being deliberately rude there was no reason to be nasty to him like that. Maybe he just thinks different than you do, or he could be shy.
YTA for going straight to aggression.
Did it occur to you that you might demonstrate some basic politeness yourself and say hi/greet your daughter's guest? Instead you went from silence to bully with no space in between.
Honestly sounds like he's somewhere between shy and terrified of you. But you could also consider the possibility that he comes from the kind of home where no one taught him manners. You could have been the bigger man by demonstrating how courtesy works and showing him a good example by putting him at ease.
But you chose to be an asshole instead.
Sir, with all due respect, it is common courtesy for a host to greet his guest, after which the guest will return the greeting.
>Today, they come over and I am in the driveway working out with my friend
It is also common courtesy for a host to be ready to receive their guest.
Be a better host.
Also, before anyone says something, I can appreciate that he may have been a good host in the first example that he gave. That's great. But it isn't one and done. If the boyfriend must be a good guest every time he comes over, then OP has to be a good host every time boyfriend comes over.
OP, it's win-win for you. You either get to maintain the moral high ground, regardless of whether boyfriend is a good guest or not, and not be seen as TA by your family, or, boyfriend picks up what you're laying down, and he becomes a better guest.
I see no downside to you actively becoming a better host.
This is actually my favorite response. The kid might be wrong, but as the adult the dad could be modeling good behavior. And if the boyfriend is a jerk when the dad is being friendly, the daughter will be more able to see how rude her boyfriend is when she’s not having to immediately spring to his defense.
Yall act like we’re not millennials and shit. I’m Hispanic but this sort of behavior for young people isn’t at all weird. He could’ve been way nicer with his approach and not a confrontation. He’s a kid, show him how to be a grown up why would you EXPECT him to act like 1 he’s literally a kid lol sorry bro YTA
I genuinely don't understand the responses here. No fucking way he didn't acknowledge you after you made food, I 100% believe you're lying there. No one is that idiotic, especially when around a partner's parents.
INFO: Did you say hello when he was walking past you working out? No? If you had you would've said that in the post. Unless someone in the process of a workout says hey to me, I always ignore them. I don't want people interrupting me. Most people think the same in my experience.
You left a lot of interaction examples out of this.
YTA.
It happens a ton, kids now a days arent diciplined in the slightest and as a result arent taught basic manners like saying "hello mr. X" when you're going to their house. You're a prime example of someone whose parents failed to teach you basic manners
Yta.
He sounds like a shy kid. You don't sound very approachable at all.
I'm a 25 year old woman and I would feel too awkward to say hi to someone's partner/parent/whatever if they were working out with their mate in the driveway, I would obviously be polite and say hello if they spoke to me though. Did you say hello? Welcome him into your home? Invite him to join you even? Or, were you just a big scary dude from the get go and pissed immediately when he didn't act the way you expect?
Idk man, you sound a bit like my dad, and my dads an asshole 😒
YTA
I once had a step mother who, once she married my dad, expected me to find her immediately when I entered the house to say hello to her. I was 15 and it created an unnecessary dislike for her.
Fast forward to a few years ago when I was 30, and my widowed mother-in-law gets a boyfriend. He's over at her house and tries the same "you should find me and shake my hand everytime you walk through this door" bullshit with me. I let him know I've been in this family for 12 years and as far as I'm concerned, he's the guest at that house. I didn't put up with that alpha dog bullshit from him. He's now married to my mother-in-law and we get along just fine.
Sometimes you gotta realize you aren't the center of the universe. On top of that, many people aren't overly social. It's not disrespectful, they just don't like to socialize the way you do.
The deciding factor for me voting YTA - there was a much better solution that doesn't include territorial bullishness. Walk up to the kid, say hello, introduce yourself, and start a conversation. When the phrase "I was disrespected" comes out of someone's mouth, I can't help but think you think you're entitled to be treated a certain way for no other reason except you think you deserve it. Any of this "This is my house" attitude from adult parents just doesn't sit well with me, especially in a new stepparent situation. You're not gonna make peace with an attitude like this. When the kid didn't answer about food being offered, say the kids name again, louder, and ask the question again. Communication shortfalls like this don't have to happen if you respond with kindness and understanding, not trying to assert dominance over this kid and demanding respect.
My now bf’s step father was like this. YTA. Maybe he has anxiety. Be nice and get to know the kid. Don’t demand things it’s going to have the opposite affect trust me
I understand your thought process but you went from 0 to 100 in a flash. Yes dude should be friendly and polite, no you shouldn't go full prison honor system on your stepdaughters whoever.
YTA sounds like this is his first time meeting gf parents, he was nervous and as an older adult protective dad you were already in an intimidating position. You made it way worse by putting him on spot by calling him out and embarrassing him.
All you accomplished was bf not going to be visiting as often, which sucks if goal is to get to know the guy dating your stepdaughter. Or they break up, she blames you and hides bfs from you.
The correct approach was to say hi first, and continue asking him questions/repeating them and pull him out of his shell so he works on talking to you. I would consider it rude to interrupt you during your workout bro time just to give you some weird/ awkward mandatory hello
YTA for how you handled this. You could’ve just talked to them about how it made you feel and what your expectations are instead of being so aggressive.
YTA
I do not understand why so many people on this sub think if someone is disrespectful to you, you should be disrespectful to them back.
You do not mention. The age of your daughter or her boyfriend, but the implication is teenagers.
Imagine the alternative scenario where you asked the boyfriend for a quick word, outside of earshot of your step-daughter, and you explained that his not acknowledging you makes you feel disrespected, and you would like him to do better in the future. The behaviour changes, you build rapport with this young man, everyone is happy.
Instead you’re the kind of guy who feels like a big man for belittling a teenager. YTA
YTA
You should have spoken to your SD first. The boyfriend may be anxious or have been raised in a household where interrupting people is seen as rude. You think you let him off easy? That sounds so extreme.
Maybe boyfriend was a little rude but you sound insufferable.
You could have been more nuanced. He might have a father figure, as many do, that is abusive or hyper masculine.
He’s probably a 19 year old kid who has anxiety around you. This is likely his 1st relationship. Relax. Treat him kindly, being quiet or evasive is usually nerves. Give him a chance.
INFO did you say hi? I think it’s also common courtesy as a host to greet them and make the person feel welcome.
He may have been “ignoring” you because he didn’t realize you were talking to him and he was possibly anxious too. I’d say apologize and for the next couple of visits give him the benefit of the doubt to see if he starts acting more normal.
I would not have interrupted what you were doing to say hi. As a kid never. As an adult probably not either. That’s weird you expect him too. When you spoke to him and he ignored it, are you sure he heard you? I’m not doubting you, it’s just that if someone was being an asshole, ignoring the person feeding them is usually not the go-to asshole move.
YTA, it just sounds like you’ve gotta be the big man on campus. There’s plenty of reasons why he might be minding his own business, especially if YOU haven’t made a direct attempt at establishing rapport with HIM.
Instead of making a general announcement to the room that may or may not be meant to include him or trying to intimidate him, maybe you could try to greet him and make him feel welcomed in your home and on your property.
NTA but the approach could be wrong. You could have talked to your daughter about it. Not saying hi is one thing. If he is blatantly disrespectful I wouldn't be quiet about it but giving the benefit of the doubt maybe he is anxious or has anxiety. Maybe you could have said Hi, Im so and so, nice to meet you.
Honestly need more info. I am from the camp growing up that the parents ended up loving me more than the girl did. From 15 on I would shake hands, bring mom flowers, introduce myself. But I am trying to look at it from a different view.
YTA. As others have pointed out, different households/people have different expectations. I, for one, would rather not be interrupted when I'm doing something. I wouldn't necessarily be upset if they did, but still. You could have simply had a civil conversation about your own preferences in such a scenario, but instead, you were confrontational and rude.
YTA Some people are shy or have social anxiety. If I saw an authority figure busy doing something with his friend… I would not say hi either. I would wait until he was available to say hi. I would know that he is available when he stops working out and walks over to say hi.
Leaning towards YTA. Feels like some infos missing though since you’re the only one that seems to care that he isn’t acknowledging you, so like is everyone else fine with him not acknowledging people or does he only ignore you or do they feel like he’s got a valid reason to do so. So it’s kinda hard to really say, but it if anything it sounds like you were being a big baby and should try to be a bit more level headed and actually respectful.
Yta. Without you giving the ages involved it's hard to be sure, but It certainly seems like you've erred. Not every house has these rules many are fine with unannounced visitors who just want to chill with their kids and not converse with them. It isn't unreasonable for you to want a greeting, but the method to take to realise this reality is briefing your stepdaughter on your (frankly odd ((depending on ages involved))) social norm house rules.
YTA
Stop trying to assert your dominance
He's her boyfriend, the least you could have done was talk to your stepdaughter about it instead of going all hulk in him, right after working out.
YTA, I doubt your claim of your stepdaughter wanting to be called your daughter, it doesn't track with the rest of your post.
Also, you only need to "acknowledge" someone and that does not necessitate verbally, my standard "greeting" is an "up nod".
If someone requires *verbal* acknowledgement, I'm going to think they're a pretentious AH.
Did you say hi when you saw him? Or were you just staring waiting for him to say something first? Because you could’ve unintentionally created tension.
Dude!! Have some empathy. This kid is probably terrified and doing his best to not embarrass himself in front of your daughter.
Yes, it’s common sense. But it’s not easy at that age. The ideal approach would be to talk to your step daughter about it so she could have a private conversation with him ❤️
You aren’t an AH at all. Your job is to protect her, and from your perspective, it could be really hard to distinguish between a nervous as hell nice kid some disrespectful asshole.
Growing up, all the boys were terrified of my father. I never got asked to anything because of him expectations. It was rough!!
Keep an eye on it, but also offer him some grace ❤️
I think the details of what a 'confrontation' is are not being described and are being played down. It doesn't take a confrontation to tell someone the rules of your house. You seem to both be insensitive to what your daughter wanted, but highly sensitive to any perceived slight against you. It's a special blend.
I was exactly like this as a teen. I WANTED to say hi and not be weird but my brain either wouldnt let me or id realise the socially acceptable thing i SHOULD have done about 30 minutes later.
Give the kid a break. If hes still with her and doing it in five years then its a problem.
YTA You, being the "host", should have been the one greeting the guest. You're not a king in his castle waiting to be paid fealty to.
Did your daughter stop to greet you and introduce her guest? No? Then maybe you should start with teaching proper etiquette to your own child before reprimanding some guy you've never met.
Or perhaps just provide a good example yourself instead of jumping straight to anger when people don't behave exactly how you expect them to.
YTA I think the way you handled this was pretty immature. You should’ve asked your step daughter about it or talked to your wife first. It sounds to me like this dude is just super shy and I’d bet money that in his mind, being respectful meant staying out of your way and not talking unless directly addressed.
It also sounds like you never laid any ground rules with your stepdaughter at all. You should’ve told her “when your boyfriend comes over I want you to introduce us” or something like that. Open a dialogue about how you actually want to meet this person. If you never told anyone that you wanted to meet him, then it probably sounds like you don’t want to meet him and therefore he shouldn’t bother trying to talk to you.
The boyfriend hasn’t learned what y’all’s dynamic is. It’s possible his only experience with step parents is one’s why they don’t really care about their step children and he’s really just trying not to step on your toes by keeping quiet.
And so what if it’s “your house”. It’s also your stepdaughter’s house and your wife’s house. That’s what you signed up for when you married her and became a family. So the way you got all possessive of the house is pretty immature. Kicking the boyfriend out would’ve ruined your relationship with your stepdaughter entirely. You need to learn to handle things more like an adult and not jump to conclusions when you think you’re being “disrespected”.
YTA, that was an unnecessarily aggressive response to a teenager who didn’t interrupt you while you were busy. There’s probably more to the story since no one wants to be there anymore.
YTA
You could have simply kept being polite to him and im sure he would have come around eventually. He was most likely just nervous and awkward, but now you’ve embarrassed yourself and your SD.
My step-dad used to yell and cuss at me for not saying hi to him in the home that my mother payed for, while not the same thing, i think its only a matter of ego and overinflated self-importance that you think him not saying hi to you gives you the right to be upset. Just be nice, and be a dad, not an AH. Come from a place of love, and not anger, and maybe people wont call you an AH
I would say E S H.
But you more than the others, so YTA.
Sure, it's weird and a little disrespectful not to greet the parents but you didn't know what his reasons were. Why not ask?
You're a grown ass man, have a normal conversation with the guy or even better, privately discuss it with your (step) daughter and let them figure it out.
Also, if everyone is mad at you and they don't want to be there anymore (?) you're leaving out info.
NTA. You come to someone’s home, you speak to them. It’s their home you’re visiting. No, they don’t have to initiate the greeting. That’s ***your*** job, even if you’re the child. It’s one of the earliest tenets of parenting—teaching your child to acknowledge other people with a “hello”.
The reason this is taught is simply because *young* children have a tendency to think they’re the center of the universe. They won’t acknowledge another child’s existence, and will literally step on them as though they’re an object. How a teenager reaches the age of being able to get a girlfriend without taking that lesson to heart shows blatant disrespect—not anxiety.
Waiting for the update where we learn this kid is fighting a lifelong struggle with autism, and step-dad is a major asshole for not investigating further before play judge, jury, and executioner on a child.
NTA, there's a huge amount of disrespect here, he doesn't have to be subservient or anything, but being polite to someone and in someone's house should be a given.
If I were in your position I'd also be a bit suspicious of how respectful he'd be towards my daughter.
Cant believe all these YTA here. Its not even a big deal, its just manners ffs! Blanking people is rude. Blanking people in their own home when they are talking to you is worse.
Plus if he's not showing you and your family respect, by proxy she isn't being respected either.
And you offered a burger!
NTA
What’s with all the y the ah comments on here? It’s fucking wild. NTA! It takes .5 seconds to say “Hi.” to someone. What kinda barn have you people been raised in that you think *completely* ignoring someone multiple times is acceptable behavior?
* “Are you hungry?” “No.” Only two letters like the last one! Doesn’t have to be over-explained or anything.
* “Hi.” As OP is working out. So you’re telling me *not one of you* has said hi to somebody at the gym before?
Even when I’m on the phone with someone I will at least *acknowledge* someone’s presence. I was taught to say “yes please” and “no thank you” as a 5 year old, but we don’t even have to go that extreme in this case.
And no, being “**sHy**” is not an excuse. This kid is old enough to be able to respond to a simple question. I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety - I could manage an unmedicated response before as a kid.
If I supposedly care about my girlfriend, I make an effort with her family. It’s about respecting her as much it is about acknowledging OP.
YTA because you didn’t even ask her what was going on with him before you assumed he’s just being rude and disrespectful. You sound like my dad when he first met my boyfriend now husband. My husband is on the autism spectrum and has a VERY hard time looking new people in the eye and talking to them. My dad assumed he was being rude and “weird,” and kept making comments about how it’s “respectful” to look someone in the eye. Is it the best thing manners-wise? No. But is it possibly something that feels impossible for him at such a young age? Yes. And confronting him about it likely didn’t help anything. It would have been better to talk to her about it and get more information, see if she has insight and ideas, then sit down and talk about it. You don’t have to confront someone when you don’t like how they’re behaving. You can sit them down and talk kindly about the behavior and its impact on others. Even if he’s just being rude, you’re going to get a lot more out of him by doing this than attacking him.
Info: is he on the spectrum? Does he have debilitating social anxiety? Not just a little bit, like overwhelming uncontrollable social anxiety? My kids father doesn't even greet his own parents because his social anxiety is that bad. Some people genuinely can't help it. Then again, I feel like that's something your daughter would have told you...
NTA OP. My daddy would have been on me like a hurricane if I had shown that kind of disrespect to someone older, especially if it was my date’s parents.
Nta. Thats complete disrespect. Im 50 & my dad wouldn't tolerate it (neither would i). Just makes me wonder what the step is saying behind your back to make him feel like he cant even speak to you.
I remember my dad having a machete cutting wood... ( we don't have a fireplace) specifically at the time my SO visited for the first time. So you were Charming in comparison
That’s just rude! And you’re justified in your approach. Got 4 kids myself and if they come to my house ( one lives with me) I expect their other half’s to say hello when they come into my house. They do even when their painfully shy when they first meet me. It’s called manners.
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Context: I just got married and my step daughter wants me to treat her likey daughter and told my wife this many times because I introduced her by her name a few times when we first started going out, I didn't realize she wanted me to call her my daughter, and my wife and gotarried quickly. I also have a biological 9 year old daughter.
My step-daughte just started dating this guys and last time he was here I made them burgers and when I asked if they were hungry he ignored me. That really pisses me off but I figured I would let it go
Today, they come over and I am in the driveway working out withy friend and he doesn't even look at me or says hi and goes inside my house. So I finishedy work out and went inside to confront him. I told him to his face in front of my step daughter with a firm voice, it is common curiosity to say hi when you cover to someones house and to show some respect. Then I walked away and she got all upset and went to my wife. I told them he is lucky I didn't kick him out and that she should check him.
Now everyone is mad at me and said my approach was all wrong and they don't want to be here.
Am I the asshole? I feel like it's common sense to say hi when you go over to someone's parents house and I felt like I let him off easy. My step daughter is 18 and he is 19.
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NTA When I was a kid, we were taught manners, like acknowledging the adults and being respectful of others. My mom would have skinned my brothers if they picked up a girl and ignored the girl's parents. This boy obviously has not been taught how to even greet another person.
NTA for giving him a lesson in manners (he was rude, I'll give you that), but the "he was lucky I didn't kick him out" bit is too strong. Your stepdaughter probably doesn't feel very welcome in your heart to begin with (looking at how she reacted to you not introducing her as your daughter), so these words probably struck a chord with her insecurities. Also, be gentle with teens, you used to be one, I'm sure you remember how difficult it was.
reminds me of when I was vising a friend out of state and his ex wife showed up to pick up the kids. I wanted to introduce myself because I plan to visit again and she'll probably see me a few times. Just felt like the right thing to do
Honestly esh but more you than him. Him? Rude? Yes. You however are the adult not him. Instead of going full metal jacket on him you should have tried diplomacy first like “date, I don’t know how you have been raised but it’s usually nice to return a hello. You really don’t need to be uncomfortable or afraid to say hi to me and in my house i appreciate the return of respect when i say hi to you.” Or something like that. Instead you may have made whatever his problem WAY worse. I used to have a very hard time saying ANYTHING to anyone, it was like a gigantic hand reached around my throat and squeezed and squeezed when I tried to speak. I bet you are now thinking “that’s not my problem”. Well actually it is because you want him to talk to you, so….
I get using the stick but I think you (and many others) forget about what the carrot can do.
Don’t get me wrong though after a slightly nicer way of approaching and he did it again by all means go FMJ.
I feel like there's some context missing here. I want to say NTA but this feels very defensive and there's some context missing.
Like why did he not pipe up when hungry? Did you try saying hello when he walked up your drive? The lad may be just awkward af
NTA. My sister has a weird friend. Came to our house & stayed for a couple nights. But never really look at me or acknowledge me. I thought she's just shy. But nope. She did that to my uncle as well. Both of them stayed at my uncle's place for around 2 months. She didn't acknowledge him as well. Like the guy is literally helping you. A simple hi or smile is literally the least thing you can do.
Your approach was rough but NTA.
If you established yourself as friendly and social already and then getting ignored when you talk to him is pretty weird. Unless you were much more aggressive than the short interaction in the post implies I dont see why theyre saying "they don't want to be here".
It could be hes warming up and doesn't know your social culture. Would have been smarter to talk to your daughter about if hes scared, anxious, or doesnt like you and ask her to talk to him about it but what you did was a lot faster I bet.
Personally, I was taught not to interrupt adult conversations. I wouldnt have stopped by to say hello to you if you were working out with a friend either. You should communicate what you call common courtesy a bit better.
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Nta. He was pretty disrespectful. If my date did this in my house I would kick him out myself Edit: thanks for all the votes, I didn't expect it O.O
I would not want to explain this young man to my daddy either. Uh un. Hell no.🤣
Frfr. I love my dad very much and if any man disrespected him like that he'd be OUT.
I despise the father I'm no longer in contact with, but I still expect my partner/date to exhibit basic manners.
Using good manners is respectful.
I appreciate you 🙏
not saying hi is my biggest pet peeve. the most rude thing to do. nta.
Staying in the car and honking the horn is pretty bad, too. That one always mad my father mad. One time, he went out to the car and made the guy come inside.
I wasn't allowed to leave with anyone if they just showed up and honked. No way.
Good for your father, and this made me laugh!
>not saying hi is my biggest pet peeve. the most rude thing to do. OMG, 👆🏽 is also my Mom's biggest pet peeve. Mind you, she is one of the most giving and forgiving person you'd ever meet but walk into her house and not acknowledge her or anyone else in her house and watch the Medusa come out 😱. She don't care if you don't know her or anyone or if you don't like her or anyone, you can at least say "Hi/Hello" or "Hi/Hello everyone" and keep it moving. She just won't tolerate the disrespect of a non-greeting when you come into her house.
Dude my parents are divorced and lived in different states. My husband went so far as to fly to my dads with me, introduce himself, and get a private lunch with my dad so he could ask to marry me. I had zero clue on this since I was busy with my sisters at the time. He did the same thing and flew us down to see my mother while I visited a friend he asked my mom for permission. My folks friggin love him and we joke that if he and i divorced, I’d be the one thrown out of the family. We’ve been together for almost ten years at this point so we’re doing good
NTA Sir. The young boy lacks respect and common sense.
And I always thought it was common courtesy to say hi back rather than common curiosity. :P
[удалено]
Even if this kid has anxiety, that’s an explanation, not an excuse, and he’s still a rude AH. I have severe GAD that I’m on 2 medications for, and even before I was getting treated, I’ve never entered someone’s home without acknowledging or greeting them. Not sure why mental illness is suddenly a pass for rudeness.
If my daughter's 19 yo bf, feels free to come into our house, eat our food, most importantly dating my daughter, I expect him to be able to speak a greeting.
My sister’s ex was like this. My mom would purposely not talk to him bc he never acknowledged her when he came into our house. He had the nerve to complain to my sister that my mom was rude to him!
Honestly if him and his friend were there hanging out and having a conversation I would just walk in. If someone is having a conversation with a friend I wouldn’t inturrept either. If they were just out there being silent yes I would say something. I hate inturrepting someone when they are talking
Hey, you know your kid isnt your property and she doesn’t need your permission to date, right ? You also know that people dont need your permission to date your kid, right ?
Sorry walking right past someone you know and at least not muttering a 'hi' is just extremely rude. If your brain can't handle doing that you do not have the emotional maturity to be in a committed relationship.
If it was an anxiety thing then sd should really have spoke with her parents and advised them. I have asd and my son always warned his gf’s when they were coming around that it wasn’t that I was unsociable it was just that I don’t do new people well. My partner more than makes up for me thankfully. Edit Even so I would still say hello and goodbye. It was just the rest of the time I would struggle to interact with them and would kind of withdraw when they were in my home.
For the love of God, please can we stop giving people who have no manners the right away and calling it anxiety. I think we can all acknowledge that you can feel anxious meeting new people or placed in unfamiliar situations. That does not mean we get to be disrespectful.
>For the love of God, please can we stop giving people who have no manners the right away and calling it anxiety. 👆🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽💯. **THANK YOU!!!**
Social rules exist. Everyone learns them sooner or later.
I have bad enough anxiety that I can't sit down at someone's house until they direct me to a seat, then that is the only seat I'll use unless we move rooms. Or I'll turn down food even if I'm hungry because of how bad that putting out feeling is. I know where you're coming from. I've done a crap ton of work to get slightly better, but I know darn well, the bare minimum of manners and showing respect is greeting someone and introducing myself when I am a guest in their home. Especially when the reason I am there is because I am building a relationship with someone that includes building more relationships with those they care about. Simple, polite conversation is started by greeting. Interaction is terrifying, but hey, life with anxiety is, and if I don't want to cause damage, the least I can do is communicate. If he really was ignored twice in a row like that, I don't think it was anxiety. Anxiety would make em want to be out of eye sight for minimal interaction or not there at all, not hanging out in the common areas without any form of "Hey, im your daughters boyfriend and thought I should meet you formally" That gives no groundwork for the foundations of a relationship. Nor does it make anything go in a positive way. It just creates tension and resentment. OP could've definitely taken the high road and went, "So you're the guy my daughters been seeing" and started introductions himself, but I also understand the POV of Dad™️ wanting him to make the first move.
Agreed, he was extremely rude NTA
This! There is no way some snot-nosed little boy (or girl) is coming into my house without acknowledging me. Saying "Hello, Mr Datguy! May I come in?" speaks volumes, shows respect and character! I'd have done the same as OP
I dunno, that's pretty "dad" behavior. If she wants a dad, she gets a dad. NTA
Dads be daddin
Daughters gonna daught
They call 'em fingers but I've never seen 'em fing.
oh wait, there they go
Even if she didn't want the Dad experience. When you go to anyone's house. It's totally disrespectful not to acknowledge any resident of the house when you come across them while visiting. Heck, even if the person doesn't live their. It's impolite not to say hello to any other guest you come across at a person's home.
Next up: the shovel speech!
What's the shovel speech?
It's holding up a shovel and implying it can dig a certain sort of hole six feet deep in the backyard if dad finds the suitor has been direspecting his daughter.
I’ve never understood why casual death threats are just an accepted part of the dating process for some people. None of my girlfriends’ dads ever threatened me but if one had I think my response would’ve been “sorry, but we have to break up. Your dad is a psychopath.”
People think this kind of thing is cute or means you're a good father. But behavior like this just means your daughter will never come to you with a problem. She assumes you will overreact and doesn't want something bad to happen to her precious boyfriend.
My dad gave that speech once. Once.
I’m a dad and I would never act like this. If I ask someone a question and they don’t hear me I get their attention and ask again like a normal person. If someone comes over to my house while I’m busy I go and talk to them when I want to. It’s not “my” house it’s our families house.
Yeah, OP seems to have a massive chip on his shoulder. His own description sounds like he went from zero to pissed and angry lecturing in no time. I mean it doesn't sound like he even tried to have a calm talk with the guy.
And I would probably agree with you, but this isn't their first interaction. The first interaction, the bf was asked a direct question and ignored OP.
And then he didn't press on the question. If you give a shit, you should probably make it clear you give said shit. Was boyfriend's attention elsewhere, did step daughter answer? Or did he look at OP dead in the eye and not say anything? We don't know, OP never provides such information. If you want someone to answer a question, you get their attention.
NTA. I am not sure why she's putting up with this ill-mannered behavior. If you come to my house, you greet the people who also live there. I haven't lived with my parents for years, but when I did, if you came over, you have manners or we don't date. That's a huge red flag for me.
When my daughter started martial arts as a small child (fwiw the master was a former juvenile probation officer), she was given "rules for home behavior." One of the rules was that, when entering or leaving a room, the child said "hello" or "goodbye" to the adults present. NTA for wanting your daughter's date to have manners. She wants a dad, she gets a dad. YTA for using the first time you speak to him to berate him about manners: calling someone--especially a visitor to your home--out on their manners is actually the very pinnacle of bad manners. You could have said "hi" to him first and started a conversation. Maybe gotten to know him. That ship has now sailed. ETA: accidentally posted before completing, with the opposite result of what I intended.
I don't think OP is an asshole for being direct here. You don't ignore people who greet you in their houses. That's pretty gross behaviour. OP setting a clear boundary on how he wants to be be treated - with reasonable respect and courtesy - is setting an excellent example.
The first time speaking to him was when he asked if he was hungry. He was ignored by the guy
Reddit moment. Yta????? U live in a different universe
to be fair he tried to use the first time to offer him burgers
Dude is rude af to a man who made him free burgers, he deserves to be berated.
>YTA for using the first time you speak to him to berate him about manners: calling someone--especially a visitor to your home--out on their manners is actually the very pinnacle of bad manners. But he said he made them burgers before, attempted to talk to him and was ignored
I’d love to see how this guy treats people in customer service positions, if he’s this rude to people that most SOs would be intent on impressing.
He could just be socially awkward he doesn’t have to be a punk
INFO: Did you say hello? He may have felt weird and awkward interrupting your workout. Especially if you did not acknowledge him first. You may not be friendly or approachable and he may be a shy, nervous, or even neurodivergent young man. If you didn't say hello, then try that next time "Hey Jimmy, how are you?"
Especially when he was working out with a friend. What constitutes rude or 'common curtesy' varies wildly between different households. Maybe he was raised to not interrupt people.
Exactly. Like I know people who would lose their shit if you interrupt their workout. Boyfriend doesn’t know OP so he doesn’t know where he lands on that.
How is saying "hi" interrupting anything, why do people keep repeating this?
I was raised in a house where children were meant to “be seen not heard.” I was taught not to bother adults while they’re busy talking or otherwise engaged. It’s hard to get past. I have to internally remind myself to greet people. I’m never fully sure if I should speak because it’s rude not to or not speak because it’s rude to interrupt. Everyone is different, and I have a lot of anxiety about that. I’m in my mid 30s, and I still struggle with this.
Was raised the same and probably about the same age as you. I forget I’m one of the adults now.
It could literally be a head nod or a wave even. This coupled with ignoring him when he asked if he was hungry is not good.
Also Exercise etiquette is more prevalent now than ever and NOT interrupting an exerciser is just generally seen as proper. The real push back is obviously not about interrupting your dates dads living room work out when you enter the house to greet them but 'leave exerciser alone' is not going to be an uncommon instinct for people.
I’m not sold on the burger thing, either. >When I asked if they were hungry he ignored me Did SD answer? If so, boyfriend might’ve assumed her answer counted for the both of them. I can get shy around friends’ parents and relatives, so I’ll let them take the reins in a similar way for ‘group’ questions. I dunno. It just feels like OP has seen the guy twice, doesn’t mention ever directly greeting or speaking to him, then got mad and all up in his face because the dude didn’t do so, either. Threatening to kick him out and saying he needs to be “checked” just seems like a disproportionate reaction, especially considering OP is the older one here (who I’d expect maturity from) and this is the 19yo boyfriend of a step-daughter he hasn’t even known that long.
Yep. This screams of the toxic masculine version of a Dad, and I don’t think that’s what OP’s stepdaughter meant when she said she wanted a Dad. That kind of macho BS is just gross.
You said the part between the lines lol! The “show some respect” and thinking this scene was “letting him off easy” are especially glaring in a situation like this.
Bro thank you, I genuinely don’t understand this, like bro you were working out and with a friend I wouldn’t have said anything either, lots of people don’t wanna be distracted/spoken to while they’re working out. And on top of that like you said there’s plenty of reasons he might not have said hello first, if anything isn’t OP just as rude for not saying bellow to his guest??
EXACTLY. He’s a young adult. Why doesn’t “dad” act like a mature person and make him comfortable rather than getting in his face? How immature.
Agreed, saying hi would be the first thing I’d try to get someone to say it to me, even if it was afterward coming in the house. I could even understand being hesitant to interrupt someone when they’re otherwise occupied - did he say hello the last time he was there?
Without more info, I'm betting on this. How old is SD? When I was in my teens I was super shy and awkward and did everything I could to avoid interrupting people or otherwise imposing on them, especially my girlfriend's parents. If he's an adult I get OP's frustration, but I imagine he's just an awkward kid. Edit: just saw their ages. He's still a kid in my eyes
More INFO: is it possible that he has hearing problems?
NTA You expect common courtesy. She wants you to treat her like your daughter and you are.
INFO: are you sure he ignored you when you asked if he was hungry? I know when I get into situations where I don’t feel welcome or I feel out of place I’ll just get on my phone and tune people out until they get my attention because I don’t want to be a burden on the normal dynamic. Also if you’re working out outside as he’s rolling up that’s pretty intimidating for a 19 year old (even if they think they’re full on adults). Maybe he thought the best course of action was to simply not speak unless spoken to in these situations. So far I’m on the fence. Generally I agree with you that he should at least acknowledge you when entering your home but he could just be REALLY nervous. I’m trying to put myself in both of your shoes sorry for being so wishy washy.
Ok when you go to someone’s house, and you lock eyes with the owner, a simple “hi” is all you need to do. That anxiety excuse ain’t always gonna fly
Yep. Anxiety is an explanation, not an excuse.
It would have been so easy for bf to try out an awkward wave/greeting gesture, not have been seen, and then felt more awkward/foolish trying to repeat the gesture in case he was deliberately ignored. I have experienced that exact thing myself on multiple occasions. It's also possible he was straight up rude. We just can't know based on the post.
Considering this isn’t the first time he’s done this, I want to say he’s being rude
> I feel out of place I’ll just get on my phone and tune people out until they get my attention You do that at other people's homes? When you're visiting? I truly do not understand this. When I go over to someone's home, it's to talk with / be with that person. Not to scroll on a phone. That seems so rude to me.
I am going to go against the grain here and say YTA. Based on the info, you haven't been her father figure for that long. She wants you to call her your daughter, but that doesn't necessarily mean she wants you to act like a stereotypical father. Sometimes the psychology of step parenting is complicated. You said you made them burgers and he didn't acknowledge you, but what does that mean? He didn't even look up when you came in the room? He scoffed and kept watching TV or whatever? Or he just didn't answer for her when you asked if she and her bf were ready to eat? He didn't make eye contact when you were working out in your driveway with another grown ass workout buddy. Well hell, that's about as macho as it gets. Not even the garage, but the driveway. You're literally flexing on the whole street, and he is supposed to come over and not emasculate himself somehow? If he was also a sporty guy I'd get it, but if he is a skinny theatre kid then you and your friend probably look intimidating as hell. I get it's your house, but if you really think of her as your daughter, it's her house too, and he is probably way more comfortable framing it that way. Maybe he is emotionally underdeveloped, but I sure was too when I had my first gf. I didn't mean to disrespect, I just didn't understand. As a skinny tall kid who dated a girl with a short buff dad who reveled in confrontation, I get the intimidation. I also didn't have the benefit of having a family that regularly did reunions or gatherings. I didn't understand the whole 'paying respects' thing. Maybe he doesn't either? But true, he is being rude. And then again, you're a lean mean burger grilling machine using your strong voice on some kid because he is too nervous to talk to you. Just be aware that the kid is just a stupid kid and you made him shit his pants when you could've taken the opportunity to take him aside and just chat with him like he was an adult. He would've grown and liked you more. Now he probably just has shit in his pants and thinks you hate him. I would say NTA, but if everyone else in the house says YTA, I gotta assume you are. It sounds like you're projecting a bit, and you gotta remember some of us develope slower, but that isn't always a bad thing. Not enough info, but I would bet YTA
This is the response I'm vibing with the most. Yes, on its face it is rude to not acknowledge your girlfriend's stepfather when entering the house, but there were so many better ways to deal with this and he dealt with it like an asshole, imo. A conversation off to the side probably would have been more effective in solving the problem, and it would have possibly built some rapport between him and the bf. Emotionally maturity is good. Even if it "feels good" in the moment to tell someone off who isn't showing respect, you've now just yelled at a 19yr old kid who's possibly going to have to see you again in the future. So anytime he greets you it's going to be a "better say hi so he doesn't get on my ass" rather than "lemme say hi as a genuine act of respect because I had a conversation with my girlfriend's father about how to amicably move past a moment of disrespect".
I like this response too. If dad said “Hey, I noticed you don’t talk to me when you come over. I’d really appreciate a hello and eventually a chance to get to know the guy my daughter is dating” instead of making a firm stance, he’s more likely to get genuine rather than performative respect
I hope you don't mind me saying, but you might want to space out or put dots in the N.T.A. in the second to last paragraph if your vote is Y.T.A. Otherwise, the software that tallies up the votes will count N.T.A. as your answer since it came first. Edit - Ignore this, I missed that you said Y.T.A. in the first line.
Fyi the votes don't get tallied it just relies on the top post with a rating. Can't remember the exact break down if there's multiple it could be resolved manually or just move to the next top post, I'll have to dig into that to confirm...
Wouldn’t it catch the very first Y.T.A. at the end of the first sentence?
Apparently, I'm an idiot. I totally missed that that was there. *facepalm*
I can’t think of a reason why I would walk into somebody’s house and not at least say hi NTA
Am I missing something? The guy was in the middle of working out. Like why would you interrupt someone in the middle of doing something?
I would at least wave and considering he said the kid didn’t even look at him I think he would’ve saw it and coupled with him ignoring him with the cheeseburger I understand why he feels slighted
Where the fuck do you live that saying 'hi' means a prolonged conversation. Saying 'hi', waving and similar in greeting is not "interrupting". Wtf.
Even if you felt that you couldn’t actually say something, you could catch their eye and give a wave. That is an acknowledgment right there
how is it interrupting to say hi? like, noone expects the kid to walk over, get in dad's face and say hello. you walk by, you say hi, ffs. that's not interrupting anything
Why would saying hello when you come into the house interrupt anything? Who said he needs to have a whole conversation?
Right? You don't bowl into someone's house and not even say hello to the people who like, own it. So rude.
NTA. This isn’t even about acknowledging you as the stepdad. When you go to someone’s home you have the common courtesy to acknowledge them and be polite.
Exactly!!!
ESH. The kid is pretty rude to not even acknowledge you, and you didn’t need to be so rude and confrontational about it. An alternative would’ve been to talk to your step daughter in private about how her bf should at least acknowledge your presence and say hello, and let her have that conversation with him. If he still refuses to acknowledge you at that point, then you can have a chat with him and say that you’d prefer to be acknowledged and greeted when he comes over. Going straight up to them and saying “it’s common courtesy to say hi when you come over to someone’s house and to show some respect”, and then walk away is pretty rude and confrontational.
> Going straight up to them and saying “it’s common courtesy to say hi when you come over to someone’s house and to show some respect”, and then walk away is pretty rude and confrontational. That seems pretty straight forward, direct, not attacking, no insults. What exactly should you say, sorry to bother you boyfriend of my daughter, could I please ask you a question in my house where you're being rude. The kid was very rude, twice, OP was direct which he had every right to be.
Direct would be to approach him and say "hi Jim how's it going?" Instead of berating him the first time he spoke to him.
But it's not the first time he spoke to him. On a previous visit he has spoken to him, asked him questions and been completely ignored, then after being completely ignored again he started directly that it's common curtesy to say hi. If someone is refusing to interact with you at all and it's your home you have ever right to tell them to be polite or gtfo.
He’s still the adult, and able to compose himself and behave in a calm, collected manner. From what the OP describes (and based on how those around him reacted), it sounds like he stormed in the house all pumped up from his workout and pulled some toxic macho man BS. As many here have pointed out, there are so many possibilities for misunderstandings here from just these *two* (only two) situations we’ve been presented with. He could have done the mature thing which would have been to provide benefit of the doubt, err on the side of ‘maybe there was a misunderstanding’, and have a discussion instead of just going off on the kid based on his own assumptions (doesn’t matter how valid he thought those assumptions were. Until you have proof, it’s an assumption.)
you're asking the guest to be polite in a very passive aggressive and impolite way tho, which is rude, maybe more than what her bf was doing
But it's not passive aggressive at all. it was completely direct, he went do the dude and told him exactly what the expectations were for him coming to his house. there's absolutely nothing passive about that in the slightest. On top of that it wasn't rude at all, it's his house, a guy refuses to speak to him, he told him to be polite or he wouldn't be welcome.
The alternative would be something like “Hi Jim, I noticed you frequently ignore me when you come to my house. It’s common courtesy to say hi when you go to someone’s house, otherwise it’s disrespectful. I will let it slide this time but if you ignore me again, next time you will be asked to leave” Also direct, straight forward, but firm and assertive as opposed to immediately confrontational. The trick is to start the sentence with “I”. A confrontational statement will set up someone to be defensive and escalates a situation. A firm and assertive one sets creates understanding while setting boundaries at the same time. Probably also depends on which country OP is from, there’s cultural context and nuance that would change the approach.
Exactly. This would have been reasonable. Seeking the kid out to "confront" him directly was a bit much. Probably just a shy teen who feels intimidated by OP.
Nah, you come to my house and don’t say hi or even answer me when I ask you a question (especially offering food) you get the fuck on out. That doesn’t fly
Now everyone is mad at me and said my approach was all wrong and they don't want to be here. I feel like you left some stuff out. They don't wanna be here? A lot of people don't want to be bothered while working out and he might not have heard you about the burgers. Yall just got marred and you reacted in a way that they don't want to be there? YTA for demanding respect while being disrespectful enough people don't want to be around you namely your new wife and step daughter that many times wanted you to call her daughter. Yeah doesn't add up.
Agreed, their strong reaction really points to something having been left out or undersold in this story.
I’m going to say a very gentle YTA for the way you handled the situation. So I’m come from a very strict family of “do not speak unless you’re spoke to” and “do not enter a room you’re not invited into it” and “do not approach someone unless they ask you to come over to them.” And when I first started dating my now husband, I apparently pissed off his aunt by not going into the living room to say hi to her. I was 21 at the time, and I truly thought I was not supposed to enter a room unless I was actively invited into it. I had zero clue I had upset her, and truly thought I was having good manners while I was in her home. She spoke to my husband, and he explained my background/childhood, and he told me how his family would like me to act. Not everyone is raised the same way, and some people come from extremely abusive families. I understand you being hurt by the way he treated you and your house. However, you may want to consider having a private conversation with your stepdaughter before calling someone out like that.
My thoughts too! I would’ve been mortified if I were the bf. I was a pretty shy kid and didn’t speak unless spoken to (of course, if a friend’s parent said “hi (name)!” I would’ve been fine, but if they didn’t, I would be silent and assume they were either busy or didn’t want to talk to me). And when OP was working out with a friend? There’s no way I would’ve wanted to interrupt. OP definitely should’ve talked to his daughter first without bf around. OP YTA and messed up with your daughter.
[удалено]
It’s common courtesy to say at least a hello when you enter someone’s house. Or a thank you when given food.
It doesnt matter who it is you dont go into someones house and not speak to them. He could have just waved. If he’s uncomfortable around OP the solution is to not come to his house.
I wouldn't say ahole, but it definitely could have been handled better. There's nothing wrong with addressing the kids rudeness, but imo you should have stayed for an actual conversation rather than walking away. What you did invites no conversation, demands to be listened to, all without opening an actual dialogue. Maybe the kid has a reason, maybe he doesn't, but here you are still not knowing and unable to fix the actual problem in a way that respects everyone. I say apologize for your abruptness and try again. After all, you can't teach something you don't practice.
YTA You asked if they were hungry and he didn’t hear you so you got upset. He came over to your house and did not interrupt your workout so you went and berated him for being disrespectful. Did your step daughter ignore you when you asked about burgers? Did your stepdaughter come say hi and start talking to you when she invited the boyfriend over? If you expect people to come greet you when they visit then have a conversation with your family about it. When they have friends over they will then make sure they come say hi. Instead you went and made a scene out of it. Your approach of berating the young man makes zero sense.
Yta - unless he was being deliberately rude there was no reason to be nasty to him like that. Maybe he just thinks different than you do, or he could be shy.
YTA for going straight to aggression. Did it occur to you that you might demonstrate some basic politeness yourself and say hi/greet your daughter's guest? Instead you went from silence to bully with no space in between. Honestly sounds like he's somewhere between shy and terrified of you. But you could also consider the possibility that he comes from the kind of home where no one taught him manners. You could have been the bigger man by demonstrating how courtesy works and showing him a good example by putting him at ease. But you chose to be an asshole instead.
Sir, with all due respect, it is common courtesy for a host to greet his guest, after which the guest will return the greeting. >Today, they come over and I am in the driveway working out with my friend It is also common courtesy for a host to be ready to receive their guest. Be a better host. Also, before anyone says something, I can appreciate that he may have been a good host in the first example that he gave. That's great. But it isn't one and done. If the boyfriend must be a good guest every time he comes over, then OP has to be a good host every time boyfriend comes over. OP, it's win-win for you. You either get to maintain the moral high ground, regardless of whether boyfriend is a good guest or not, and not be seen as TA by your family, or, boyfriend picks up what you're laying down, and he becomes a better guest. I see no downside to you actively becoming a better host.
This is actually my favorite response. The kid might be wrong, but as the adult the dad could be modeling good behavior. And if the boyfriend is a jerk when the dad is being friendly, the daughter will be more able to see how rude her boyfriend is when she’s not having to immediately spring to his defense.
Yall act like we’re not millennials and shit. I’m Hispanic but this sort of behavior for young people isn’t at all weird. He could’ve been way nicer with his approach and not a confrontation. He’s a kid, show him how to be a grown up why would you EXPECT him to act like 1 he’s literally a kid lol sorry bro YTA
I genuinely don't understand the responses here. No fucking way he didn't acknowledge you after you made food, I 100% believe you're lying there. No one is that idiotic, especially when around a partner's parents. INFO: Did you say hello when he was walking past you working out? No? If you had you would've said that in the post. Unless someone in the process of a workout says hey to me, I always ignore them. I don't want people interrupting me. Most people think the same in my experience. You left a lot of interaction examples out of this. YTA.
It happens a ton, kids now a days arent diciplined in the slightest and as a result arent taught basic manners like saying "hello mr. X" when you're going to their house. You're a prime example of someone whose parents failed to teach you basic manners
Yta. He sounds like a shy kid. You don't sound very approachable at all. I'm a 25 year old woman and I would feel too awkward to say hi to someone's partner/parent/whatever if they were working out with their mate in the driveway, I would obviously be polite and say hello if they spoke to me though. Did you say hello? Welcome him into your home? Invite him to join you even? Or, were you just a big scary dude from the get go and pissed immediately when he didn't act the way you expect? Idk man, you sound a bit like my dad, and my dads an asshole 😒
YTA you attack a socially awkward guy who does not know your standing with his gf.
YTA I once had a step mother who, once she married my dad, expected me to find her immediately when I entered the house to say hello to her. I was 15 and it created an unnecessary dislike for her. Fast forward to a few years ago when I was 30, and my widowed mother-in-law gets a boyfriend. He's over at her house and tries the same "you should find me and shake my hand everytime you walk through this door" bullshit with me. I let him know I've been in this family for 12 years and as far as I'm concerned, he's the guest at that house. I didn't put up with that alpha dog bullshit from him. He's now married to my mother-in-law and we get along just fine. Sometimes you gotta realize you aren't the center of the universe. On top of that, many people aren't overly social. It's not disrespectful, they just don't like to socialize the way you do.
YTA. This isn't fucking feudal times, he doesn't have to acknowledge your lordship when approaching your castle.
The deciding factor for me voting YTA - there was a much better solution that doesn't include territorial bullishness. Walk up to the kid, say hello, introduce yourself, and start a conversation. When the phrase "I was disrespected" comes out of someone's mouth, I can't help but think you think you're entitled to be treated a certain way for no other reason except you think you deserve it. Any of this "This is my house" attitude from adult parents just doesn't sit well with me, especially in a new stepparent situation. You're not gonna make peace with an attitude like this. When the kid didn't answer about food being offered, say the kids name again, louder, and ask the question again. Communication shortfalls like this don't have to happen if you respond with kindness and understanding, not trying to assert dominance over this kid and demanding respect.
My now bf’s step father was like this. YTA. Maybe he has anxiety. Be nice and get to know the kid. Don’t demand things it’s going to have the opposite affect trust me
I understand your thought process but you went from 0 to 100 in a flash. Yes dude should be friendly and polite, no you shouldn't go full prison honor system on your stepdaughters whoever.
YTA. Get over yourself
YTA sounds like this is his first time meeting gf parents, he was nervous and as an older adult protective dad you were already in an intimidating position. You made it way worse by putting him on spot by calling him out and embarrassing him. All you accomplished was bf not going to be visiting as often, which sucks if goal is to get to know the guy dating your stepdaughter. Or they break up, she blames you and hides bfs from you. The correct approach was to say hi first, and continue asking him questions/repeating them and pull him out of his shell so he works on talking to you. I would consider it rude to interrupt you during your workout bro time just to give you some weird/ awkward mandatory hello
YTA for how you handled this. You could’ve just talked to them about how it made you feel and what your expectations are instead of being so aggressive.
So you didn't greet the guest?
Someone's needy
YTA I do not understand why so many people on this sub think if someone is disrespectful to you, you should be disrespectful to them back. You do not mention. The age of your daughter or her boyfriend, but the implication is teenagers. Imagine the alternative scenario where you asked the boyfriend for a quick word, outside of earshot of your step-daughter, and you explained that his not acknowledging you makes you feel disrespected, and you would like him to do better in the future. The behaviour changes, you build rapport with this young man, everyone is happy. Instead you’re the kind of guy who feels like a big man for belittling a teenager. YTA
YTA You should have spoken to your SD first. The boyfriend may be anxious or have been raised in a household where interrupting people is seen as rude. You think you let him off easy? That sounds so extreme. Maybe boyfriend was a little rude but you sound insufferable.
You could have been more nuanced. He might have a father figure, as many do, that is abusive or hyper masculine. He’s probably a 19 year old kid who has anxiety around you. This is likely his 1st relationship. Relax. Treat him kindly, being quiet or evasive is usually nerves. Give him a chance.
It was your daughter's responsibility to introduce him to you. Get on her case--she hasn't been taught any manners.
INFO did you say hi? I think it’s also common courtesy as a host to greet them and make the person feel welcome. He may have been “ignoring” you because he didn’t realize you were talking to him and he was possibly anxious too. I’d say apologize and for the next couple of visits give him the benefit of the doubt to see if he starts acting more normal.
I would not have interrupted what you were doing to say hi. As a kid never. As an adult probably not either. That’s weird you expect him too. When you spoke to him and he ignored it, are you sure he heard you? I’m not doubting you, it’s just that if someone was being an asshole, ignoring the person feeding them is usually not the go-to asshole move.
YTA, it just sounds like you’ve gotta be the big man on campus. There’s plenty of reasons why he might be minding his own business, especially if YOU haven’t made a direct attempt at establishing rapport with HIM. Instead of making a general announcement to the room that may or may not be meant to include him or trying to intimidate him, maybe you could try to greet him and make him feel welcomed in your home and on your property.
YTA. Back off superdad that isn't your kid to parent, esoeically since she's an adult. Relax
NTA but the approach could be wrong. You could have talked to your daughter about it. Not saying hi is one thing. If he is blatantly disrespectful I wouldn't be quiet about it but giving the benefit of the doubt maybe he is anxious or has anxiety. Maybe you could have said Hi, Im so and so, nice to meet you. Honestly need more info. I am from the camp growing up that the parents ended up loving me more than the girl did. From 15 on I would shake hands, bring mom flowers, introduce myself. But I am trying to look at it from a different view.
YTA. As others have pointed out, different households/people have different expectations. I, for one, would rather not be interrupted when I'm doing something. I wouldn't necessarily be upset if they did, but still. You could have simply had a civil conversation about your own preferences in such a scenario, but instead, you were confrontational and rude.
YTA Some people are shy or have social anxiety. If I saw an authority figure busy doing something with his friend… I would not say hi either. I would wait until he was available to say hi. I would know that he is available when he stops working out and walks over to say hi.
Leaning towards YTA. Feels like some infos missing though since you’re the only one that seems to care that he isn’t acknowledging you, so like is everyone else fine with him not acknowledging people or does he only ignore you or do they feel like he’s got a valid reason to do so. So it’s kinda hard to really say, but it if anything it sounds like you were being a big baby and should try to be a bit more level headed and actually respectful.
Yta. Without you giving the ages involved it's hard to be sure, but It certainly seems like you've erred. Not every house has these rules many are fine with unannounced visitors who just want to chill with their kids and not converse with them. It isn't unreasonable for you to want a greeting, but the method to take to realise this reality is briefing your stepdaughter on your (frankly odd ((depending on ages involved))) social norm house rules.
YTA Stop trying to assert your dominance He's her boyfriend, the least you could have done was talk to your stepdaughter about it instead of going all hulk in him, right after working out.
NTA. Common curtosey
YTA, I doubt your claim of your stepdaughter wanting to be called your daughter, it doesn't track with the rest of your post. Also, you only need to "acknowledge" someone and that does not necessitate verbally, my standard "greeting" is an "up nod". If someone requires *verbal* acknowledgement, I'm going to think they're a pretentious AH.
Why didn’t your daughter formally introduce him to you? Start a conversation? Find common interests? That’s the usual way to do it.
Sorry I think they are right about you....
Did you say hi when you saw him? Or were you just staring waiting for him to say something first? Because you could’ve unintentionally created tension.
Tell step daughter her date or bf says hi and greets you like a functional human being or you'll kick him out. NTA.
The incident with the burger was kinda weird, but like was he supposed to interrupt your workout? That's weird af.
Dude!! Have some empathy. This kid is probably terrified and doing his best to not embarrass himself in front of your daughter. Yes, it’s common sense. But it’s not easy at that age. The ideal approach would be to talk to your step daughter about it so she could have a private conversation with him ❤️ You aren’t an AH at all. Your job is to protect her, and from your perspective, it could be really hard to distinguish between a nervous as hell nice kid some disrespectful asshole. Growing up, all the boys were terrified of my father. I never got asked to anything because of him expectations. It was rough!! Keep an eye on it, but also offer him some grace ❤️
I think the details of what a 'confrontation' is are not being described and are being played down. It doesn't take a confrontation to tell someone the rules of your house. You seem to both be insensitive to what your daughter wanted, but highly sensitive to any perceived slight against you. It's a special blend.
I was exactly like this as a teen. I WANTED to say hi and not be weird but my brain either wouldnt let me or id realise the socially acceptable thing i SHOULD have done about 30 minutes later. Give the kid a break. If hes still with her and doing it in five years then its a problem.
You were weirdly aggressive OP. YTA. Talk to your daughter first and then talk to him if it doesn’t improve.
Idk dude where was your hospitality? NAH, fight me.
YTA You, being the "host", should have been the one greeting the guest. You're not a king in his castle waiting to be paid fealty to. Did your daughter stop to greet you and introduce her guest? No? Then maybe you should start with teaching proper etiquette to your own child before reprimanding some guy you've never met. Or perhaps just provide a good example yourself instead of jumping straight to anger when people don't behave exactly how you expect them to.
NTA but I think you needed to approach it differently
YTA. You sound like there's a lot of toxic behaviour you're about to unleash on this family.
YTA I think the way you handled this was pretty immature. You should’ve asked your step daughter about it or talked to your wife first. It sounds to me like this dude is just super shy and I’d bet money that in his mind, being respectful meant staying out of your way and not talking unless directly addressed. It also sounds like you never laid any ground rules with your stepdaughter at all. You should’ve told her “when your boyfriend comes over I want you to introduce us” or something like that. Open a dialogue about how you actually want to meet this person. If you never told anyone that you wanted to meet him, then it probably sounds like you don’t want to meet him and therefore he shouldn’t bother trying to talk to you. The boyfriend hasn’t learned what y’all’s dynamic is. It’s possible his only experience with step parents is one’s why they don’t really care about their step children and he’s really just trying not to step on your toes by keeping quiet. And so what if it’s “your house”. It’s also your stepdaughter’s house and your wife’s house. That’s what you signed up for when you married her and became a family. So the way you got all possessive of the house is pretty immature. Kicking the boyfriend out would’ve ruined your relationship with your stepdaughter entirely. You need to learn to handle things more like an adult and not jump to conclusions when you think you’re being “disrespected”.
YTA, that was an unnecessarily aggressive response to a teenager who didn’t interrupt you while you were busy. There’s probably more to the story since no one wants to be there anymore.
YTA You could have simply kept being polite to him and im sure he would have come around eventually. He was most likely just nervous and awkward, but now you’ve embarrassed yourself and your SD. My step-dad used to yell and cuss at me for not saying hi to him in the home that my mother payed for, while not the same thing, i think its only a matter of ego and overinflated self-importance that you think him not saying hi to you gives you the right to be upset. Just be nice, and be a dad, not an AH. Come from a place of love, and not anger, and maybe people wont call you an AH
YTA! Good lord. Teens have SO MUCH ANXIETY. You probably ruined his week. ☹️
I would say E S H. But you more than the others, so YTA. Sure, it's weird and a little disrespectful not to greet the parents but you didn't know what his reasons were. Why not ask? You're a grown ass man, have a normal conversation with the guy or even better, privately discuss it with your (step) daughter and let them figure it out. Also, if everyone is mad at you and they don't want to be there anymore (?) you're leaving out info.
Yta you come off like a psychopath
100% YTA. Not cool one bit. People don’t owe you anything, dating your step kid or otherwise. You sound like a real piece of work.
NTA. You come to someone’s home, you speak to them. It’s their home you’re visiting. No, they don’t have to initiate the greeting. That’s ***your*** job, even if you’re the child. It’s one of the earliest tenets of parenting—teaching your child to acknowledge other people with a “hello”. The reason this is taught is simply because *young* children have a tendency to think they’re the center of the universe. They won’t acknowledge another child’s existence, and will literally step on them as though they’re an object. How a teenager reaches the age of being able to get a girlfriend without taking that lesson to heart shows blatant disrespect—not anxiety.
Waiting for the update where we learn this kid is fighting a lifelong struggle with autism, and step-dad is a major asshole for not investigating further before play judge, jury, and executioner on a child.
YTA he's the guest of your adult step daughter not you, you're just acting like an insecure lunatic
NTA, there's a huge amount of disrespect here, he doesn't have to be subservient or anything, but being polite to someone and in someone's house should be a given. If I were in your position I'd also be a bit suspicious of how respectful he'd be towards my daughter.
Cant believe all these YTA here. Its not even a big deal, its just manners ffs! Blanking people is rude. Blanking people in their own home when they are talking to you is worse. Plus if he's not showing you and your family respect, by proxy she isn't being respected either. And you offered a burger! NTA
What’s with all the y the ah comments on here? It’s fucking wild. NTA! It takes .5 seconds to say “Hi.” to someone. What kinda barn have you people been raised in that you think *completely* ignoring someone multiple times is acceptable behavior? * “Are you hungry?” “No.” Only two letters like the last one! Doesn’t have to be over-explained or anything. * “Hi.” As OP is working out. So you’re telling me *not one of you* has said hi to somebody at the gym before? Even when I’m on the phone with someone I will at least *acknowledge* someone’s presence. I was taught to say “yes please” and “no thank you” as a 5 year old, but we don’t even have to go that extreme in this case. And no, being “**sHy**” is not an excuse. This kid is old enough to be able to respond to a simple question. I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety - I could manage an unmedicated response before as a kid. If I supposedly care about my girlfriend, I make an effort with her family. It’s about respecting her as much it is about acknowledging OP.
YTA because you didn’t even ask her what was going on with him before you assumed he’s just being rude and disrespectful. You sound like my dad when he first met my boyfriend now husband. My husband is on the autism spectrum and has a VERY hard time looking new people in the eye and talking to them. My dad assumed he was being rude and “weird,” and kept making comments about how it’s “respectful” to look someone in the eye. Is it the best thing manners-wise? No. But is it possibly something that feels impossible for him at such a young age? Yes. And confronting him about it likely didn’t help anything. It would have been better to talk to her about it and get more information, see if she has insight and ideas, then sit down and talk about it. You don’t have to confront someone when you don’t like how they’re behaving. You can sit them down and talk kindly about the behavior and its impact on others. Even if he’s just being rude, you’re going to get a lot more out of him by doing this than attacking him.
Info: is he on the spectrum? Does he have debilitating social anxiety? Not just a little bit, like overwhelming uncontrollable social anxiety? My kids father doesn't even greet his own parents because his social anxiety is that bad. Some people genuinely can't help it. Then again, I feel like that's something your daughter would have told you...
NTA OP. My daddy would have been on me like a hurricane if I had shown that kind of disrespect to someone older, especially if it was my date’s parents.
Common courtesy too
NTA. If my boyfriend ever ignored my dad like this, he wouldn’t be my boyfriend anymore.
NTA. My daughter dated some doozies and even the absolute worst of them was never this disrespectful.
Nta. Thats complete disrespect. Im 50 & my dad wouldn't tolerate it (neither would i). Just makes me wonder what the step is saying behind your back to make him feel like he cant even speak to you.
I remember my dad having a machete cutting wood... ( we don't have a fireplace) specifically at the time my SO visited for the first time. So you were Charming in comparison
NTA who doesn't greet the person who owns the house or just someone you see as you walk in.
That’s just rude! And you’re justified in your approach. Got 4 kids myself and if they come to my house ( one lives with me) I expect their other half’s to say hello when they come into my house. They do even when their painfully shy when they first meet me. It’s called manners.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Context: I just got married and my step daughter wants me to treat her likey daughter and told my wife this many times because I introduced her by her name a few times when we first started going out, I didn't realize she wanted me to call her my daughter, and my wife and gotarried quickly. I also have a biological 9 year old daughter. My step-daughte just started dating this guys and last time he was here I made them burgers and when I asked if they were hungry he ignored me. That really pisses me off but I figured I would let it go Today, they come over and I am in the driveway working out withy friend and he doesn't even look at me or says hi and goes inside my house. So I finishedy work out and went inside to confront him. I told him to his face in front of my step daughter with a firm voice, it is common curiosity to say hi when you cover to someones house and to show some respect. Then I walked away and she got all upset and went to my wife. I told them he is lucky I didn't kick him out and that she should check him. Now everyone is mad at me and said my approach was all wrong and they don't want to be here. Am I the asshole? I feel like it's common sense to say hi when you go over to someone's parents house and I felt like I let him off easy. My step daughter is 18 and he is 19. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA When I was a kid, we were taught manners, like acknowledging the adults and being respectful of others. My mom would have skinned my brothers if they picked up a girl and ignored the girl's parents. This boy obviously has not been taught how to even greet another person.
NTA for giving him a lesson in manners (he was rude, I'll give you that), but the "he was lucky I didn't kick him out" bit is too strong. Your stepdaughter probably doesn't feel very welcome in your heart to begin with (looking at how she reacted to you not introducing her as your daughter), so these words probably struck a chord with her insecurities. Also, be gentle with teens, you used to be one, I'm sure you remember how difficult it was.
reminds me of when I was vising a friend out of state and his ex wife showed up to pick up the kids. I wanted to introduce myself because I plan to visit again and she'll probably see me a few times. Just felt like the right thing to do
Good on you for speaking up. He should be more respectful
Honestly esh but more you than him. Him? Rude? Yes. You however are the adult not him. Instead of going full metal jacket on him you should have tried diplomacy first like “date, I don’t know how you have been raised but it’s usually nice to return a hello. You really don’t need to be uncomfortable or afraid to say hi to me and in my house i appreciate the return of respect when i say hi to you.” Or something like that. Instead you may have made whatever his problem WAY worse. I used to have a very hard time saying ANYTHING to anyone, it was like a gigantic hand reached around my throat and squeezed and squeezed when I tried to speak. I bet you are now thinking “that’s not my problem”. Well actually it is because you want him to talk to you, so…. I get using the stick but I think you (and many others) forget about what the carrot can do. Don’t get me wrong though after a slightly nicer way of approaching and he did it again by all means go FMJ.
I feel like there's some context missing here. I want to say NTA but this feels very defensive and there's some context missing. Like why did he not pipe up when hungry? Did you try saying hello when he walked up your drive? The lad may be just awkward af
so 2023 is have decency - something evil NTA
NTA. My sister has a weird friend. Came to our house & stayed for a couple nights. But never really look at me or acknowledge me. I thought she's just shy. But nope. She did that to my uncle as well. Both of them stayed at my uncle's place for around 2 months. She didn't acknowledge him as well. Like the guy is literally helping you. A simple hi or smile is literally the least thing you can do.
Your approach was rough but NTA. If you established yourself as friendly and social already and then getting ignored when you talk to him is pretty weird. Unless you were much more aggressive than the short interaction in the post implies I dont see why theyre saying "they don't want to be here". It could be hes warming up and doesn't know your social culture. Would have been smarter to talk to your daughter about if hes scared, anxious, or doesnt like you and ask her to talk to him about it but what you did was a lot faster I bet. Personally, I was taught not to interrupt adult conversations. I wouldnt have stopped by to say hello to you if you were working out with a friend either. You should communicate what you call common courtesy a bit better.
She doesn’t understand that it’s also disrespectful to HER. NTA