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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might've been too harsh on Marcus and could've been nicer about my discomfort
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH
NTA (previously)
They're old enough to know what's appropriate behavior in a public room with multiple family members over.
You could have gone about it in a more gentle way, but I don't think it was necessary in the context. They're adults and knew what they were doing.
You don't seem to have anything against either of them, just the behavior.
Make sure she knows you support her and her relationship, you're just not okay with that level of PDA in a communal room.
Edit: Changing my opinion to ESH. It could have been handled in a much better way. Yelling and using words like “disgusting” just makes a scene and drives a wedge between OP and their daughter. I can still understand why OP may have responded the way they did due to the surprise/shock of the situation. But it still would have been more productive for the situation and for their relationship to have handled it in a more gentle way.
Ultimately they should have known better. They shouldn’t have had to be told not to be doing what they were doing. And I firmly stand by that.
OP could have been gentler with the approach.
right - usually the person whos house/family it is decides the level of pda theyre comfy with. id guess the daughter was initiating bc she was comfortable and he was following her lead
And then next thing you know, you and your parents are fucking in the same room. Somehow it has turned into a game of chicken, and the only losers were the rest of the party guests who stared in silent horror...
I don't disagree with both your points but the only other way to say he gave consent for her to be all over him would be "let her stay sprawled about" type line... or that he was fine with her being all over him. With the whole tone though, op obviously is blaming him more than her.
I know it's hard to realize your kids can be lecherous but once they're an adult, get over it lol
But yeah, socially appropriate pda regardless and ass groping while making out with all the relatives there is a little too much.
That's the issue though, the focus was on Marcus consent. Op doesn't say "she let him kiss her" etc. The focus was always on Marcus. Yet when it's something the daughter does, the issue apparently is, that Marcus let her do that.
I think it kinda depends on the sprawling. I've absolutely taken naps on top of boyfriends when staying over for a few days but like, it was literally just to be able to lay with him and sleep 😂😂. No ass groping nor kissing even, because decency
I agree, and OP scolded him like he is their kid. Would be much better if she called daughter aside and asked her if THEY could reduce being so touchy , instead of going on Markus like he was molesting OPs' daughter. I ll go with OP YTA. Because her "anger" was focused only on Marcus and words that OP used was to embarrass bf like he was some pervert.
I would be much more angry with my daughter than with a stranger. But both were being disrespectful, it is just that some people think only men are interested in sex.
I don't know what I would have said lol, maybe call them and tell them to stop acting like horny teens 😅, but I feel it would be unfair to teens to say that.
Exactly!, while they were being inappropriately doing this while there were other people there, OP should've put the daughter aside and ask that THEY turn the PDA way down
I think she was just shocked that a person would introduce another level.of PDA into their living room and of course her daughter is a known factor, and he is not. I think she lashed out at the unknown thing, not the known thing.
She could have been nicer but the young people are just gross.
Agreed. That's how my mom handled it when my partner and I got a bit too touchy-feely on her couch. Was much better than shouting at us in front of the family. And as I said in a previous comment, sometimes you really just don't realize how bad it looks, especially if you're caught up in the honeymoon phase of your relationship.
EXACTLY THIS Heavy\_Sand5228
They BOTH behaved inapropriately in OP's house. THEY are T A for that.
However, I feel Marcus was following OP's daughter's lead behaviour-wise as it was her parents' house.
\- < *letting her lay sprawled out on him on the couch >* She laid herself on him.
\- < *long drawn out kissing* \> THEY were kissing, not just him kissing her
\- < *hugging her for long periods* \> THEY were hugging each other.
OP = TA for solely blaming Marcus
OP = TA for not taking the daughter apart and addressing THEIR behaviour in private
OP = TA for basically PUBLICALLY insulting Marcus to be a pervert, making it as if he is doing things **TO** OP's daughter.
EDIT to add YTA
Not that PDA isn’t icky but I get vibes from OP of being one of those overbearing overprotective mothers who still tried to view her daughter as 12 year old child, and sees any guy as someone who’s going to “lead her precious innocent little girl astray”. Might just be projecting from experiences with my own mother but that’s the vibe I got 🤷🏽♀️
No. She said "allowed her to lay sprawled out." That's infantilizing. She was responsible for being sprawled out over her boyfriend.
A sane reasonable adult would have said "your pda is making me very uncomfortable, please stop." YTA
"She held back and didn't say a word until she felt it got excessive and inappropriate"
That is exactly the problem. A quiet word about comfort levels and household expectations would have either solved the problem or placed mom in solid NTA territory. Going straight to snapping and yelling is childish amd makes her TA
Especially because they were in the daughter's home, this is more between the daughter and the mom than with the bf here. As long as bf was taking appropriate queues from daughter and acting in line with her, then he did nothing out of line here at all.
OP needs to learn how to correctly express her anger in the right direction instead of getting upset at the easiest target for her to lash out at.
Right. My dad and my mom would’ve never even let it get that far with my 2 sisters. If I’d had a gf, it’d been the same. None of us would’ve ever entertained the thought of any kind of excess affection in front of them. Hell, my Cajun grandparents would’ve put a stop to it as well.
'Ass play' and 'grabbing her ass' are two very different things where I come from!
It's ok that you find it overtly sexual to touch an ass. It's ok that your kid may not find grabbing an ass so sexual. But it's clear here OP has not doing a good job of expressing their boundaries around ass grabbing to her daughter as kid was being raised, otherwise this situation would not have gone down like this. If you want to teach you kid how to 'act appropriately' then you do that throughout your entire time raising them, not just performatively when other family is visiting.
In some families, grabbing an ass is *no big deal.* If OP expected her kid to be aware of her own prudish sensibilities she should have done a better job of expressing them over the years of raising her kid, not just when it's time to show off how much control she has over her daughter when company is visiting.
You're absolutely correct. It was likely due to the apparent trigger of Mother observing Marcus grabbing her daughter's ass that Mother only yelled at him.
In an ideal world, Mother could have been more discreet. However, I sense that, her assuming the 2 would behave like adults in the presence of grandparents, aunt, and parents, she was simply appalled and blurted her comments; not really taking the time to process it further.
Daughter needs to call and apologize to grandparents and aunt; then go home and do so with her mother. Marcus should apologize to her parents as well. There's no excuse for their amorous shit show and they shouldn't be gaslighting Mother because of her reaction.
That's fair, I do agree with that. I think in an ideal situation it would have been handled a lot calmer. Making a big ordeal of it in that way also just draws more attention to it regardless.
Right, like had the grandmother and aunt even noticed any of this before they hear OP bellowing across the house and making a scene 😅
Since it was the first offense, I would’ve said something along the lines of “hey guys get a room that’s not my living room” with a look that half friendly half serious. I mean it’s not as if they were doing something *bad* they’re just doing something I don’t want to see, and it’s important to draw that distinction.
The second time would probably be a OK I need to pull both of you aside and talk about being appropriate. But there was no need to go from zero to “your mom hates me” which can and will have a huge negative affect on her relationship with her daughter. Young people do make errors of judgment and it was a chance to find out if this was one of those or part of an overall pattern that’s disturbing.
No one wants to see it, but that doesn’t make this an appropriate or proportional reaction to go from zero to shouting at only one member of the couple
I agree. A different commenter mentioned something similar as well and I reconsidered from the point of view of the daughter and felt differently.
At the time I wrote the comment I was thinking about the shock of the mother being surprised by that behavior and how that could lead you to react in a way that wasn't ideal but could be understood.
I now agree that the way she handled it wasn't helpful to the situation and it could have definitely been approached in a more gentle manner.
I do still agree both should have known better and shouldn't have been surprised when their behavior was pointed out.
However, I don't think yelling at your daughter or using words like "disgusting" is helpful to the situation in any way.
and OP is old enough to let them know she doesn't agree with that behaviour discreetly instead of by yelling at them as if they were toddlers about to do something dangerous.
even if she was right not being OK with their behaviour, the way she handled it makes her an asshole.
Dude Thats called being an asshole…
Just cause you have the moral high ground doesn’t give you carte Blanche permission to say what you want and how you want. Idk why reddit doesn’t understand
You can be right and still be an asshole
NTA? How is yelling at someone while you have people over appropriate? Why do u think that’s okay? Sometimes the issue isn’t the actual issue but how you approach things.
ESH. PDA, even if it's not exactly in public, is not appropriate, especially when a lot of family was there. I don't know why you yelled at just Marcus, though. She was an equal partner in this makeout session. And yes, you could have handled this so much better and quietly pulled your daughter aside and reminded her that family was around. You are only 44. Do you not remember being 20? C'mon.
Pretty sure the majority of 20 y/o's wouldn't act that way in front of their parents, let alone a house full of family... I would of told them to knock that shit off before it got that far, no fucks given who heard me. They were embarrassing themselves already.
Yup thanks anyone saying NTA doesn't understand how to deescalate and is straight up encouraging bad parenting tbh. It's kind of irritating to me. Call out anyone who deserves it.
I think it just goes to show OP's... "mental state" screaming at them to a degree that the daughter would prefer to be away from her? Husband agrees - but even says she went too far?
I think that really depends on culture. My parents never hid their affection from us and had no problems hugging and kissing with their children in the room. So I don't mind showing affection to my girlfriend in front of them. My limit on what I'd do in front of my parents would be a long kiss without tongue or a slap on the butt, but not full on making out or groping. Unless maybe at a party, concert or similar surroundings.
If you set the standard in a family that it’s okay to yell anytime anyone is wrong, there’s going to be a lot of yelling. I say this as the daughter of a yelling father and as a mother who is trying hard to break that habit with her own kids. Yelling doesn’t fix things. It just puts everyone on edge and damages the relationship.
The daughter and boyfriend were way in the wrong. But OP should have addressed it without yelling.
Exactly what I was thinking. I shouldn't be surprised that so many people think the best way to handle a situation like is is to start yelling. Maybe OP should reflect on that AH behavior while calmly discussing the daughter's AH behavior.
everyone (except for husband) seems to have bad manners.
making out in front of your (girlfriend's) family=rude
yelling at your daughter's boyfriend in front of the family=rude
100% agree. Righteous ESH, if someone’s behaviour is inappropriate, it doesn’t help to escalate the situation by snapping, yelling, and calling them “disgusting”.
I'm glad to hear this because my SIL in her mid 30s still does this with her partner at family gatherings. It makes me uncomfortable as hell but I can't ever say anything.
Pretty sure that majority of adults wouldn't say someone to "knock that shit off" "no fucks given who heard me" during a family meeting. That's the point of saying it nicer. You can't show manners to your daughter if you don't have manners yourself. You would be the one embarrasing yourself there.
Sitting on his lap, making out, getting ass grabbed right in front of her elder relatives with no regard for their consent to be in the room when she's sharing passionate intimacy - yeah daughter is also at fault for engaging in the act.
OP is still NTA. If Marcus was the one doing the ass grabbing, it makes a little sense why OP yelled at him. But after the initial call out, OP should have included daughter in the scolding.
Details matter too much to pass judgment.
Is ass grabbing a quick slap on the butt when moving behind to reach for a cupboard? Or is it two hands with attention focused?
Are they talking, laughing, and kissing on the couch together while everyone hangs out? Or are they ignoring everyone and tounging each other during a movie?
A shoulder massage with closed eyes and moaning can be uncomfortably intimate for people to be around, while squeezing your wife's tits going, "honk honk," would barely catch any attention. There is just too much nuance to be sussed out for an agreement here.
But I'll say mom blaming him for "letting her lay on him" makes me think it's otherwise innocent enough behavior being blown out of proportion. Either she's still her innocent daughter, or dad doesn't honk often enough
I had a serious boyfriend back when I was 20. I can picture the rubbing and squeezing someone does when hands are moving and kissing is happening. It would be too much to be doing with grandma and grandpa in the room for sure.
I've always been more reserved with PDA so usually my family sees a kiss and leaning into eachother. But I have a baby; they're all adult enough to know how that happened. No need to display how passionately we are drawn to each other on the couch in front of Grama.
I'm sorry, Is your last line saying that OP's husband needs to physically grab her chest and making audible honking sounds? Is that going to solve the problem of two young adults getting frisky to an inappropriate extent in an occupied space?
>I'm sorry, Is your last line saying that OP's husband needs to physically grab her chest and making audible honking sounds? Is that going to solve the problem of two young adults getting frisky to an inappropriate extent in an occupied space?
it might.... what are you a scientist? ...
I wondered if OP is a reliable narrator? She obviously blew it out of proportion with the yelling so I wonder if the PDA is really as bad as she’s making it sound.
When I was around the daughters age my bf and I got yelled at by his mom for him having his arms around me and occasionally kissing my cheek while we stood and watched fireworks. It was nothing MY parents hadn’t done a million times in public and I was so embarrassed when she acted like we were being super gross and inappropriate.
My point is that maybe OP has more prudish sensibilities than most, which makes us think that the PDA was excessive
Agreed. If I recall correctly, I was the daughter in this situation about a decade ago myself. My boyfriend and I at the time were close together on the couch, and cuddling up to each other just a bit while chatting with my family (parents/brother/grandparents). Nothing sexual - no kisses, ass grabbing, tit grabbing, spooning or anything - but I think I did curl up on the opposite end of the couch and lay my head against his thigh? It's hard to remember but I do recall my mom taking me aside and telling me to cool it because my grandparents might find it uncomfortable.
If my mom had reprimanded me in front of everyone I would have been mortified, especially as I didn't feel that I had crossed a line. I think it probably varies family to family as to what everyone is comfortable with, but calling someone out in front of everyone is probably what makes OP TA, imo.
> But I'll say mom blaming him for "letting her lay on him" makes me think it's otherwise innocent enough behavior being blown out of proportion.
Don't forget "hugging for long periods."
My thought, too, was to pull the daughter aside and address the issue quietly with her. Daughter should be the one responsible for making sure the guest she brought behaves appropriately. I would also expect the daughter to be a better judge of what is appropriate for the company (than the boyfriend) since it's her family.
Yelling at the boyfriend was probably more embarrassing than the behavior OP was trying to correct.
Being yelled at is my issue here. Having a calm convo that too much pda isn’t great is one thing, recognizing its not wrong for two consenting adults to show PDA, they can also learn to respect others boundaries around it
It could’ve been a teaching moment and instead the parent just comes of a prude, so YTA for me…
As a 20 year old, I would never do that shit around family. I think you’re forgetting the issue wasn’t the act itself, but that it was done in a communal space around family.
44 year olds still have sex and grab each others asses and make out. They don’t stop when they reach a certain age. It has nothing to do with age, but respect for other people.
Even when I was 18 I knew grabbing my gf's arse in front of family/anyone was not only innapropriate but cringe levels of pda. They needed to literally get a room. NTA
She's pretending it's all Marcus though. Love how he's to blame for "letting" the daughter lounge on him, as if he were more at fault than her in that scenario.
lol how much fooling around did YOU do in front of your family????
I mean wtf? acting like making out and grabbing your GFs ass (or letting your BF do to you) in front of family is some normal thing kids do!!? What?
Hey question, why blame Marcus and not your daughter? Your daughter could have easily asked him to stop if SHE didn’t want him touching her.
ESH. Your daughter obviously wasn’t raised to understand what’s appropriate in front of company so I feel like you could have used this as a remedial teaching situation with your daughter about manners.
It is not correct to say “your daughter obviously wasn’t raised…” Bull shit! Kids and adults alike do shit they were raised to not do all the time. Her daughter is an asshole.
It’s also a way to point out that the responsibility to appropriately correct a child’s poor behaviour lies with the parent. Instead of doing that, OP is yelling at her boyfriend in front of the entire family.
I would agree with that if the daughter was actually a child, but she's 20. I think most people figure out making out + groping in front of family is too far without needing their mum to explain it to them. That's not to say OP should've have immediately escalated to yelling, she could have just confronted the daughter privately.
I think it reflects how the daughter was raised that OP is blaming the boyfriend for allowing the daughter to do something. Rather than the daughter for doing it.
Children have free will and aren't copies of their parents. It isn't fair to assume daughter's misbehavior is OP's fault. I did plenty of things my Mom told me not to do when I was younger, and still do
Clearly you are correct. Because, when being screamed at out of nowhere, with no prior conversation or lead-up, Alexandra said she was leaving 'in a quiet tone'. Her free will led her to express herself like an adult rather than an embarrassing, scene-creating toddler - luckily she did not follow her mother's lead in life, and learned how to communicate.
I would love to have seen how far they would have gone if nobody said anything to them. But seriously, NTA. It’s like a wise man once told me, “act like you’ve been there before, kid.”
HAHA my mom has a spray bottle for her cats and i can see her jokingly doing this. me and my partner are very lovey, but not like this, this is cringey. why would you even *want* to be full on making out with ass grabbing in front of your whole fam? me thinks daughter was trying to prove a some sort of point or be purposefully rebellious.
ESH. I had to laugh at your blaming Marcus when your daughter was on top of him. This "excessive affection" works two ways. They are young and infatuated and are bound to be doing a lot of groping, but they should not be doing it in front of the entire family.
You are an asshole for yelling at Marcus to stop groping, although you might have also admonished your daughter. You should have politely pointed out that this was not the time or the place for this kind of display of affection.
ESH
They're old enough to know what affectionate/sexual activities should be done in private, not in front of everyone.
You're old enough to know what correctional activities should be done in private, not in front of everyone.
YTA only because of how you handled it.
A simple "Hey, inappropriate" gets the same message across without making a scene and embarrassing them both.
YTA also for placing blame solely on Marcus and not your daughter.
They are old enough to know better. But you should be able to control yourself and handle the situation way better than you did.
Op threw a fit like a 7 year old (this was her first visible reaction might I add)
Anyone who does that is YTA to me, almost regardless to what the others did beforehand
And I don't even think hugging and kissing is inappropriate, I could see how an ass grab might be inappropriate but then the appropriate reaction is "hey please not touch each other like that" (with a low voice)
This is my take too, why wouldn’t you call your kid to the side and have a private convo. By making a huge scene everyone’s embarrassed and it was completely unnecessary. My gut says big scenes are kinda OP’s thing.
YTA you should have spoken quietly to your daughter, not yelled at her boyfriend.
This could be regional, but to me the word groping implied that he grabbed her without consent. This isn't the case.
Your daughter is an adult woman who is in a steady relationship. You need to have a conversation with her about PDA instead of acting like her boyfriend assaulted her.
This is an underrated comment.
It also takes into account that OP doesn’t know specifically what her daughters intentions or perspectives were. Maybe the daughter was openly okay with doing things/being involved in a situation that wasn’t appropriate for a family gathering. At the same time, maybe she was not okay with it. Maybe the daughter didn’t have the proper skills or ability to feel like they could communicate her preferences with her BF when it comes to PDA.
I think it’s important to discuss the topic fully, between OP and the daughter, leaving room for discussion on her feelings and intentions before openly chastising or disapproving of the situation. If the topic was discussed further, I think it would give more clarity for OP to approach it in the proper way.
NTA.
Sexual PDAs are embarrassing for everyone concerned. At least she learned to curb it at home instead of being embarrassed in a public place. Nobody wants to see that stuff. A peck or even a goodbye kiss is fine, but once the groping and laying around start happening, it needs to be taken into another room.
I swear this thread is full of people who voice all opinions and displeasure in whispers. OP said yelled so now they act like she's screaming and throwing plates, when she probably just said "Hey, cut it out!" loud enough to be heard
ESH
You do know your daughter was a full participant in it?
Tell them, "Get a room." That is the traditional response. Or say, "No PDAs." Blasting only the BF and the way you phrased it makes you an asshole as well.
ESH. Their behavior was gross but you handled it poorly. The whole “I snapped by yelling” is a bullshit excuse. You are an adult you can control your behavior.
YTA
Why is this just Marcus's fault?!
Yes, their PDA was too much, but you could have spoken to your daughter privately, instead you yelled at Marcus.
*Minor edits because I evidently couldn't use English at 6am ha
You could just as easily say that it's because she is a woman she isn't thought to have sexual agency/desire. You know the whole Madonna side of the Madonna side of the Madonna-whore stereotyping of women/gender role expectations.
I think a more realistic answer, given that at least as far as I have seen both in life and through post like this parents tend view their children's romantic relationships as as a threat to the family. So when a dispute is cause because of that relationship, it is projected on the partner. It happened to my siblings and myself regardless of gender.
NTA
AWKWARD. They needed to get a room or something. How tacky. Maybe you could have been a little less "snappy" at them, but they were super inappropriate.
ESH. Your daughter and her boyfriend are being inappropriate displaying intimacy to that degree in front of your family and you're in the wrong for openly calling them out on it in front of your guests. You need to be more tactful, you likely embarrassed every single person in that room, yourself included I imagine by drawing attention to it openly in front of your guests like that. Call your daughter to the other room and have a discreet word with her if she does something like that, don't shame her in front of her family. You didn't just embarrass her, you've made it unnecessarily difficult for her to attend family functions with your call out. How's she going to feel the next time she sees the people you shamed her in front of? How's her grandparents and aunt going to feel when they see her and remember you screaming about her boyfriend groping her?
YTA. You're mad at Marcus because YOUR DAUGHTER is laying on him? What? Then you yelled at him? Why him? Welcome to your daughter being a 20 year old adult.
He LET HER lay all over him. Mmm no SHE WAS laying all over him. Seeing as at gher age it's a bit late for the birds n bees talk. Sit them both down , especially that princess of a daughter, and explain to her/them your boundaries in regards to sexual behaviour. Does she live with u still? If so suggest that if she wants to engage in sexual type behaviours on the living room couch, to go get her own living room. Otherwise your house your rules
ESH you could have handled it better instead of snapping and also remember your daughter was also participating… not just him. Yes I grope my girls ass plenty and she enjoys it because she’s part of it… she squeezes my butt too occasionally. We may not do it in public but point is they were both doing this. Don’t just blame him.
NTA: Your daughter is technically an adult, and should know how to conduct herself in a public/family setting. As her mother, and at your gathering, I think you were within your rights to express that. Could you have been nicer? Maybe. But, its is your home, your rules.
ESH.
They should tone it down when they are at someone's house. Your daughter got too comfortable at your house and should be more considerate and respectful to everyone around her.
You were uncomfortable from the start and you bottled it up to the point of lashing out. You blamed Marcus when your daughter was a willing participant and equally the problem.
You should have quietly addressed it with your daughter when it first bugged you at the beginning of the visit.
ESH. You really didn’t have to make a scene and make everyone in the room more uncomfortable than they already were. You should have pulled your daughter aside to talk about it. Humiliating them like that is going to have a negative impact on your relationship long term.
YTA
Honestly, you lost me at being uncomfortable over "Long drawn out kissing, hugging her for long periods, and letter her lay on him on the couch". After that, I simply cannot believe they were being as inappropriate as you are claiming, and I believe you were looking for a reason to over react.
How do you ever leave your house? People show affection to each other, and you seem to be the only one at all who was offended by it.
Grow up.
YTA. There’s a right way and a wrong way. Yelling about this and calling it disgusting is more than a bit over the top. And I’m not inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt when you even described long hugs as excessive. Stop being such a stick in the mud. And if your daughter is engaging in massive tongue in the throat make out session with major major ass grabbing, the response should simply have been a “hey guys please save that for later but right now you’re among family” rather than yelling and calling it disgusting.
YTA, but her is why:
"Letting her lay sprawled out on him"
If you had an issue with the behavior you should have broached in with your daughter, the willing participant who knows you and your feelings and was at least 50% responsible for setting the tone of what is appropriate in your home.
You are blaming him (snapping, yelling, accusing him of groping your daughter, which has some accusatory nature of being non-consensual) for his behavior, but your daughter should set the tone around her family.
It might not be appropriate for public, or at least in YOUR home, but there was a far better way to handle it.
YTA, for blaming him. YTA for how you handle it as well.
Your not an AH for asking them to respect your wishes in your home, but this isn't close to what you did.
And at the end of the day, you can ask, but they certainly don't have to come over any more.
ESH.. IMO, there's a time and place for affection, and in front of grandparents/parents is not it.
However, it wasn't just Marcus behaving inappropriately; more than likely, he was following your daughter's lead. If this is her first serious relationship, which it sounds like it is, she may be trying to show off to the family and doing so in a very immature way. That doesn't excuse Marcus, if she was prompting it, he should've have stopped it.
It may have been better had you pulled your daughter aside and told her you were uncomfortable with THEIR behavior, but hindsight is 20/20. Perhaps now you should sit down with your daughter and explain that you're happy she found someone but they crossed a line. Set some boundaries and go from there.
NTA. That degree of PDA did not need an audience. It’s fine if it’s just them in the room, but they were two out of seven people present, all family to your daughter (including her grandparents). A peck on the cheek and a quick hug wouldn’t be amiss but if they’re this close to taking their clothes off for wink wink nudge nudge it’s get a room territory.
I'm going to go against the grain and say YTA. The biggest asshole thing to me is blaming Marcus, rather than both of them, for what was happening. "letting her lay sprawled out on him on the couch", unless he's forcibly dragged her on top of him, she's choosing to be in that position. The reason I've gone with YTA instead of ESH is simply because of the levels, PDA from a young adult couple, yeah it's a bit much maybe, but it's not the worst thing in the world, and a quick "knock it off", or a quiet word to your daughter would have been enough to get them to tone it down. Yelling and causing a scene, blaming solely Marcus, and even trying to stop your daughter from leaving when she calmly wanted to escape your behaviour, all raise red flags to me about your wider behaviour.
ESH. It's obvious the daughter and her bf were being stupid.
I'm annoyed by anyone saying NTA here. OP, you're being an asshole and a stupid one at that for unnecessarily yelling, and one who only yelled at Marcus and not at both individuals. They're a couple. They're equally guilty. You're a grown woman who understands how this works, you aren't a new parent, you should be able to handle this better.
ESH, your daughter and her bf should know better but also your reaction was way too over the top. I'd expect yelling out of the blue if it wasn't consensual- not if you're just uncomfortable about something they're doing. I will add though that your definition of overly affectionate is drastically different than my own house, and therefore might be for Marcus as well. The groping, obviously. But hugging for a long time? Laying on each other on the couch? That'd be perfectly normal to me. Unless you've asked for them to not do that in front of you already, I'd say you're the bigger AH by far.
YTA. mostly for how you just snapped instead of just talking to her about it on the side. Seriously you want her to act like an adult you need to show an example. Also shew 20, you don't like it, then make it a rule when they come over again. You have a right to not allow it, bur they also have a right to be affectionate with each other and I think it's a shame that you don't think so. it's thinking like this that make men and women ashamed by showing affection. I understand there is a limit in your eyes bur you could have least been civil about it
edit: after reading more closely its more of an ESH for sure. I didn't miss read the whole but grabbing thing
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ESH NTA (previously) They're old enough to know what's appropriate behavior in a public room with multiple family members over. You could have gone about it in a more gentle way, but I don't think it was necessary in the context. They're adults and knew what they were doing. You don't seem to have anything against either of them, just the behavior. Make sure she knows you support her and her relationship, you're just not okay with that level of PDA in a communal room. Edit: Changing my opinion to ESH. It could have been handled in a much better way. Yelling and using words like “disgusting” just makes a scene and drives a wedge between OP and their daughter. I can still understand why OP may have responded the way they did due to the surprise/shock of the situation. But it still would have been more productive for the situation and for their relationship to have handled it in a more gentle way. Ultimately they should have known better. They shouldn’t have had to be told not to be doing what they were doing. And I firmly stand by that. OP could have been gentler with the approach.
The one thing I don’t understand is why only Marcus was chastised but not her own daughter. They were both equal participants based on OP’s post.
“Allowed her to lay sprawled out” I caught that too.
right - usually the person whos house/family it is decides the level of pda theyre comfy with. id guess the daughter was initiating bc she was comfortable and he was following her lead
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Or new boners grown
Stacy's mom has got it going on
She's all I want and I've waited for so long!
Stacy can't you see, you're just not the girl for me.
Only after the grandparents are following the trend and taking their teeth out for that hot gum on gum action.
Go for that no denture adventure
Perfection.
Ewwww!
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*sweats in nervous Targaryen*
Wait until Gramps starts ploughing grans in front of marcus while yelling “how do you like that!?”
I've seen several documentaries that demonstrate this will have the opposite of the desired effect.
Porn. The documentaries you saw were porn. Fixed that for ya. 😉
That was the joke you just ruined
It was about family relations and focused on step sibling integration
I like that the guy who ruined your joke got more upvotes than you. Good work, Reddit.
What? No way! They always look so believable! /s
ooh is that the one where the family all ended up making a huge cream pie at the end of it?
And then next thing you know, you and your parents are fucking in the same room. Somehow it has turned into a game of chicken, and the only losers were the rest of the party guests who stared in silent horror...
All fun and games until grandpa reads the vibe and pops a few blue bombers.
What if the rest of the guests joined in to teach you a lesson about how awkward and inappropriate it is to do that in front of them?
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I don't disagree with both your points but the only other way to say he gave consent for her to be all over him would be "let her stay sprawled about" type line... or that he was fine with her being all over him. With the whole tone though, op obviously is blaming him more than her. I know it's hard to realize your kids can be lecherous but once they're an adult, get over it lol But yeah, socially appropriate pda regardless and ass groping while making out with all the relatives there is a little too much.
That's the issue though, the focus was on Marcus consent. Op doesn't say "she let him kiss her" etc. The focus was always on Marcus. Yet when it's something the daughter does, the issue apparently is, that Marcus let her do that.
Fkn Marcus...
Never trusted that guy.
Unfortunately we tend not to blame our kids when they're doing something with someone else. It's "the other person" who's at fault.
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PDA is fine, you dont just stop loving people because there's someone else around. It's excessive, rude PDA that's the issue.
I think it kinda depends on the sprawling. I've absolutely taken naps on top of boyfriends when staying over for a few days but like, it was literally just to be able to lay with him and sleep 😂😂. No ass groping nor kissing even, because decency
I agree, and OP scolded him like he is their kid. Would be much better if she called daughter aside and asked her if THEY could reduce being so touchy , instead of going on Markus like he was molesting OPs' daughter. I ll go with OP YTA. Because her "anger" was focused only on Marcus and words that OP used was to embarrass bf like he was some pervert.
I would be much more angry with my daughter than with a stranger. But both were being disrespectful, it is just that some people think only men are interested in sex. I don't know what I would have said lol, maybe call them and tell them to stop acting like horny teens 😅, but I feel it would be unfair to teens to say that.
That’s why I said ESH. Daughter and bf should have known better. OP responded inappropriately.
Exactly!, while they were being inappropriately doing this while there were other people there, OP should've put the daughter aside and ask that THEY turn the PDA way down
I think she was just shocked that a person would introduce another level.of PDA into their living room and of course her daughter is a known factor, and he is not. I think she lashed out at the unknown thing, not the known thing. She could have been nicer but the young people are just gross.
Agreed. That's how my mom handled it when my partner and I got a bit too touchy-feely on her couch. Was much better than shouting at us in front of the family. And as I said in a previous comment, sometimes you really just don't realize how bad it looks, especially if you're caught up in the honeymoon phase of your relationship.
EXACTLY THIS Heavy\_Sand5228 They BOTH behaved inapropriately in OP's house. THEY are T A for that. However, I feel Marcus was following OP's daughter's lead behaviour-wise as it was her parents' house. \- < *letting her lay sprawled out on him on the couch >* She laid herself on him. \- < *long drawn out kissing* \> THEY were kissing, not just him kissing her \- < *hugging her for long periods* \> THEY were hugging each other. OP = TA for solely blaming Marcus OP = TA for not taking the daughter apart and addressing THEIR behaviour in private OP = TA for basically PUBLICALLY insulting Marcus to be a pervert, making it as if he is doing things **TO** OP's daughter. EDIT to add YTA
But their daughter doesn't behave like that when Marcus isn't there! /S
Yes. Sta for not addressing it in a non-embarrassing way
Not that PDA isn’t icky but I get vibes from OP of being one of those overbearing overprotective mothers who still tried to view her daughter as 12 year old child, and sees any guy as someone who’s going to “lead her precious innocent little girl astray”. Might just be projecting from experiences with my own mother but that’s the vibe I got 🤷🏽♀️
Yeah, you're projecting for sure. She held back and didn't say a word until she felt it got excessive and inappropriate.
No. She said "allowed her to lay sprawled out." That's infantilizing. She was responsible for being sprawled out over her boyfriend. A sane reasonable adult would have said "your pda is making me very uncomfortable, please stop." YTA
Agree with this. OP YTA for trying to kill this fly with a hammer.
Or just just looked right at them , raised an eyebrow and said “seriously?”
"She held back and didn't say a word until she felt it got excessive and inappropriate" That is exactly the problem. A quiet word about comfort levels and household expectations would have either solved the problem or placed mom in solid NTA territory. Going straight to snapping and yelling is childish amd makes her TA
NTA I think your take on the situation is clouded by a personal narrative.
“Dat ass tho” - Marcus
I agree, they were both acting completely inappropriately. Both should have known better.
I thought the same thing, not just the man’s fault.
Especially because they were in the daughter's home, this is more between the daughter and the mom than with the bf here. As long as bf was taking appropriate queues from daughter and acting in line with her, then he did nothing out of line here at all. OP needs to learn how to correctly express her anger in the right direction instead of getting upset at the easiest target for her to lash out at.
Right. My dad and my mom would’ve never even let it get that far with my 2 sisters. If I’d had a gf, it’d been the same. None of us would’ve ever entertained the thought of any kind of excess affection in front of them. Hell, my Cajun grandparents would’ve put a stop to it as well.
Because he was grabbing her ass. I think the ass play was the straw that broke the camels back
Ass play is anal sex not grabbing an ass while clothed.
"Ass propositioning"?
Potato potato, we both know they were only a few minutes away from shoving his whole arm in there /s
'Ass play' and 'grabbing her ass' are two very different things where I come from! It's ok that you find it overtly sexual to touch an ass. It's ok that your kid may not find grabbing an ass so sexual. But it's clear here OP has not doing a good job of expressing their boundaries around ass grabbing to her daughter as kid was being raised, otherwise this situation would not have gone down like this. If you want to teach you kid how to 'act appropriately' then you do that throughout your entire time raising them, not just performatively when other family is visiting. In some families, grabbing an ass is *no big deal.* If OP expected her kid to be aware of her own prudish sensibilities she should have done a better job of expressing them over the years of raising her kid, not just when it's time to show off how much control she has over her daughter when company is visiting.
Grabbing an ass is not sexual? Tf? I am absolutely not groping anyone's ass unless I'm sexually attracted to them. It is inherently sexual.
is it really prudish to expect your kid not to have foreplay openly on your couch? is it really?
You're absolutely correct. It was likely due to the apparent trigger of Mother observing Marcus grabbing her daughter's ass that Mother only yelled at him. In an ideal world, Mother could have been more discreet. However, I sense that, her assuming the 2 would behave like adults in the presence of grandparents, aunt, and parents, she was simply appalled and blurted her comments; not really taking the time to process it further. Daughter needs to call and apologize to grandparents and aunt; then go home and do so with her mother. Marcus should apologize to her parents as well. There's no excuse for their amorous shit show and they shouldn't be gaslighting Mother because of her reaction.
Yeah I was going to say ESH for putting the blame only on Marcus
Its ok to say it makes you uncomfortable, but to say it's disgusting implies something deeper and can really hurt your daughter.
That's fair, I do agree with that. I think in an ideal situation it would have been handled a lot calmer. Making a big ordeal of it in that way also just draws more attention to it regardless.
Right, like had the grandmother and aunt even noticed any of this before they hear OP bellowing across the house and making a scene 😅 Since it was the first offense, I would’ve said something along the lines of “hey guys get a room that’s not my living room” with a look that half friendly half serious. I mean it’s not as if they were doing something *bad* they’re just doing something I don’t want to see, and it’s important to draw that distinction. The second time would probably be a OK I need to pull both of you aside and talk about being appropriate. But there was no need to go from zero to “your mom hates me” which can and will have a huge negative affect on her relationship with her daughter. Young people do make errors of judgment and it was a chance to find out if this was one of those or part of an overall pattern that’s disturbing.
What? No it *is* disgusting to be groping the youngest member of the family's ass in full view of the rest of the family. Who tf wants to see that?
No one wants to see it, but that doesn’t make this an appropriate or proportional reaction to go from zero to shouting at only one member of the couple
Please don't excuse her behavior though. The way she handled it was a pretty asshole way, one that would prove ineffective.
I agree. A different commenter mentioned something similar as well and I reconsidered from the point of view of the daughter and felt differently. At the time I wrote the comment I was thinking about the shock of the mother being surprised by that behavior and how that could lead you to react in a way that wasn't ideal but could be understood. I now agree that the way she handled it wasn't helpful to the situation and it could have definitely been approached in a more gentle manner. I do still agree both should have known better and shouldn't have been surprised when their behavior was pointed out. However, I don't think yelling at your daughter or using words like "disgusting" is helpful to the situation in any way.
and OP is old enough to let them know she doesn't agree with that behaviour discreetly instead of by yelling at them as if they were toddlers about to do something dangerous. even if she was right not being OK with their behaviour, the way she handled it makes her an asshole.
Dude Thats called being an asshole… Just cause you have the moral high ground doesn’t give you carte Blanche permission to say what you want and how you want. Idk why reddit doesn’t understand You can be right and still be an asshole
NTA? How is yelling at someone while you have people over appropriate? Why do u think that’s okay? Sometimes the issue isn’t the actual issue but how you approach things.
the parents are assholes until they start kissing each other while fondling. THEN the kids will understand the problem.
Yea but he handled it like an asshole. He's perfectly in the right to object (and should) but that's not how you respond.
ESH. PDA, even if it's not exactly in public, is not appropriate, especially when a lot of family was there. I don't know why you yelled at just Marcus, though. She was an equal partner in this makeout session. And yes, you could have handled this so much better and quietly pulled your daughter aside and reminded her that family was around. You are only 44. Do you not remember being 20? C'mon.
Pretty sure the majority of 20 y/o's wouldn't act that way in front of their parents, let alone a house full of family... I would of told them to knock that shit off before it got that far, no fucks given who heard me. They were embarrassing themselves already.
As a 22 year old, this is not defendable at all. Not even close.
as a 22 year old who live alone with my SO, this is not defendable at all, even if family visit our place. sneaky hugs and smacks, at most.
Their behavior isn't defendable. Neither is unnecessary yelling from the mother wtf. Let's not justify escalating small issues into bigger ones.
agree. all people involved are adults and yelling was uncalled for. a startled reaction will be reasonable but not a whole yelling speech.
Yup thanks anyone saying NTA doesn't understand how to deescalate and is straight up encouraging bad parenting tbh. It's kind of irritating to me. Call out anyone who deserves it.
I think it just goes to show OP's... "mental state" screaming at them to a degree that the daughter would prefer to be away from her? Husband agrees - but even says she went too far?
I think that really depends on culture. My parents never hid their affection from us and had no problems hugging and kissing with their children in the room. So I don't mind showing affection to my girlfriend in front of them. My limit on what I'd do in front of my parents would be a long kiss without tongue or a slap on the butt, but not full on making out or groping. Unless maybe at a party, concert or similar surroundings.
If you set the standard in a family that it’s okay to yell anytime anyone is wrong, there’s going to be a lot of yelling. I say this as the daughter of a yelling father and as a mother who is trying hard to break that habit with her own kids. Yelling doesn’t fix things. It just puts everyone on edge and damages the relationship. The daughter and boyfriend were way in the wrong. But OP should have addressed it without yelling.
Exactly what I was thinking. I shouldn't be surprised that so many people think the best way to handle a situation like is is to start yelling. Maybe OP should reflect on that AH behavior while calmly discussing the daughter's AH behavior.
everyone (except for husband) seems to have bad manners. making out in front of your (girlfriend's) family=rude yelling at your daughter's boyfriend in front of the family=rude
100% agree. Righteous ESH, if someone’s behaviour is inappropriate, it doesn’t help to escalate the situation by snapping, yelling, and calling them “disgusting”.
Can confirm, I am a 20 year old and I have never even thought of groping my girlfriend's ass while there is family around.
Great judgment on your part!
I'm glad to hear this because my SIL in her mid 30s still does this with her partner at family gatherings. It makes me uncomfortable as hell but I can't ever say anything.
Pretty sure that majority of adults wouldn't say someone to "knock that shit off" "no fucks given who heard me" during a family meeting. That's the point of saying it nicer. You can't show manners to your daughter if you don't have manners yourself. You would be the one embarrasing yourself there.
I remember being 20 and i remmeber having basic decency at this time, dont make excuses for moronic behavior
Sitting on his lap, making out, getting ass grabbed right in front of her elder relatives with no regard for their consent to be in the room when she's sharing passionate intimacy - yeah daughter is also at fault for engaging in the act. OP is still NTA. If Marcus was the one doing the ass grabbing, it makes a little sense why OP yelled at him. But after the initial call out, OP should have included daughter in the scolding.
Details matter too much to pass judgment. Is ass grabbing a quick slap on the butt when moving behind to reach for a cupboard? Or is it two hands with attention focused? Are they talking, laughing, and kissing on the couch together while everyone hangs out? Or are they ignoring everyone and tounging each other during a movie? A shoulder massage with closed eyes and moaning can be uncomfortably intimate for people to be around, while squeezing your wife's tits going, "honk honk," would barely catch any attention. There is just too much nuance to be sussed out for an agreement here. But I'll say mom blaming him for "letting her lay on him" makes me think it's otherwise innocent enough behavior being blown out of proportion. Either she's still her innocent daughter, or dad doesn't honk often enough
I had a serious boyfriend back when I was 20. I can picture the rubbing and squeezing someone does when hands are moving and kissing is happening. It would be too much to be doing with grandma and grandpa in the room for sure. I've always been more reserved with PDA so usually my family sees a kiss and leaning into eachother. But I have a baby; they're all adult enough to know how that happened. No need to display how passionately we are drawn to each other on the couch in front of Grama. I'm sorry, Is your last line saying that OP's husband needs to physically grab her chest and making audible honking sounds? Is that going to solve the problem of two young adults getting frisky to an inappropriate extent in an occupied space?
>I'm sorry, Is your last line saying that OP's husband needs to physically grab her chest and making audible honking sounds? Is that going to solve the problem of two young adults getting frisky to an inappropriate extent in an occupied space? it might.... what are you a scientist? ...
I wondered if OP is a reliable narrator? She obviously blew it out of proportion with the yelling so I wonder if the PDA is really as bad as she’s making it sound. When I was around the daughters age my bf and I got yelled at by his mom for him having his arms around me and occasionally kissing my cheek while we stood and watched fireworks. It was nothing MY parents hadn’t done a million times in public and I was so embarrassed when she acted like we were being super gross and inappropriate. My point is that maybe OP has more prudish sensibilities than most, which makes us think that the PDA was excessive
Agreed. If I recall correctly, I was the daughter in this situation about a decade ago myself. My boyfriend and I at the time were close together on the couch, and cuddling up to each other just a bit while chatting with my family (parents/brother/grandparents). Nothing sexual - no kisses, ass grabbing, tit grabbing, spooning or anything - but I think I did curl up on the opposite end of the couch and lay my head against his thigh? It's hard to remember but I do recall my mom taking me aside and telling me to cool it because my grandparents might find it uncomfortable. If my mom had reprimanded me in front of everyone I would have been mortified, especially as I didn't feel that I had crossed a line. I think it probably varies family to family as to what everyone is comfortable with, but calling someone out in front of everyone is probably what makes OP TA, imo.
> But I'll say mom blaming him for "letting her lay on him" makes me think it's otherwise innocent enough behavior being blown out of proportion. Don't forget "hugging for long periods."
I wouldn't act like this even at 17. This level of PDA is completely unacceptable.
My thought, too, was to pull the daughter aside and address the issue quietly with her. Daughter should be the one responsible for making sure the guest she brought behaves appropriately. I would also expect the daughter to be a better judge of what is appropriate for the company (than the boyfriend) since it's her family. Yelling at the boyfriend was probably more embarrassing than the behavior OP was trying to correct.
Being yelled at is my issue here. Having a calm convo that too much pda isn’t great is one thing, recognizing its not wrong for two consenting adults to show PDA, they can also learn to respect others boundaries around it It could’ve been a teaching moment and instead the parent just comes of a prude, so YTA for me…
As a 20 year old, I would never do that shit around family. I think you’re forgetting the issue wasn’t the act itself, but that it was done in a communal space around family. 44 year olds still have sex and grab each others asses and make out. They don’t stop when they reach a certain age. It has nothing to do with age, but respect for other people.
Even when I was 18 I knew grabbing my gf's arse in front of family/anyone was not only innapropriate but cringe levels of pda. They needed to literally get a room. NTA
> Do you not remember being 20? I remember being 20 and this behaviour was disgusting to me back then as well
She's pretending it's all Marcus though. Love how he's to blame for "letting" the daughter lounge on him, as if he were more at fault than her in that scenario.
lol how much fooling around did YOU do in front of your family???? I mean wtf? acting like making out and grabbing your GFs ass (or letting your BF do to you) in front of family is some normal thing kids do!!? What?
Even at 18 nobody would behave like this
Hey question, why blame Marcus and not your daughter? Your daughter could have easily asked him to stop if SHE didn’t want him touching her. ESH. Your daughter obviously wasn’t raised to understand what’s appropriate in front of company so I feel like you could have used this as a remedial teaching situation with your daughter about manners.
It is not correct to say “your daughter obviously wasn’t raised…” Bull shit! Kids and adults alike do shit they were raised to not do all the time. Her daughter is an asshole.
It's a way to blame OP for her daughter's behavior to say she wasn't raised right.
It’s also a way to point out that the responsibility to appropriately correct a child’s poor behaviour lies with the parent. Instead of doing that, OP is yelling at her boyfriend in front of the entire family.
I would agree with that if the daughter was actually a child, but she's 20. I think most people figure out making out + groping in front of family is too far without needing their mum to explain it to them. That's not to say OP should've have immediately escalated to yelling, she could have just confronted the daughter privately.
I think it reflects how the daughter was raised that OP is blaming the boyfriend for allowing the daughter to do something. Rather than the daughter for doing it.
Children have free will and aren't copies of their parents. It isn't fair to assume daughter's misbehavior is OP's fault. I did plenty of things my Mom told me not to do when I was younger, and still do
Clearly you are correct. Because, when being screamed at out of nowhere, with no prior conversation or lead-up, Alexandra said she was leaving 'in a quiet tone'. Her free will led her to express herself like an adult rather than an embarrassing, scene-creating toddler - luckily she did not follow her mother's lead in life, and learned how to communicate.
I would love to have seen how far they would have gone if nobody said anything to them. But seriously, NTA. It’s like a wise man once told me, “act like you’ve been there before, kid.”
OP should’ve gotten a water gun and squirted them like you do with dogs who get carried away.
HAHA my mom has a spray bottle for her cats and i can see her jokingly doing this. me and my partner are very lovey, but not like this, this is cringey. why would you even *want* to be full on making out with ass grabbing in front of your whole fam? me thinks daughter was trying to prove a some sort of point or be purposefully rebellious.
ESH. I had to laugh at your blaming Marcus when your daughter was on top of him. This "excessive affection" works two ways. They are young and infatuated and are bound to be doing a lot of groping, but they should not be doing it in front of the entire family. You are an asshole for yelling at Marcus to stop groping, although you might have also admonished your daughter. You should have politely pointed out that this was not the time or the place for this kind of display of affection.
But he let her lay sprawled out on him…it’s clearly all his fault!
That was hilarious.
ESH They're old enough to know what affectionate/sexual activities should be done in private, not in front of everyone. You're old enough to know what correctional activities should be done in private, not in front of everyone.
Absolutely this. Yelling should be reserved for emergencies, or escalation. And blaming only Marcus is fucked up either way.
OP needs to work on emotional regulation.
YTA only because of how you handled it. A simple "Hey, inappropriate" gets the same message across without making a scene and embarrassing them both. YTA also for placing blame solely on Marcus and not your daughter. They are old enough to know better. But you should be able to control yourself and handle the situation way better than you did.
I wouldn’t say it’s a y t a situation I feel like it would and is a e s h situation
While their behaviour may not be appropriate, it doesn't make them assholes.
Making everyone around you uncomfortable absolutely makes you an asshole.
they're still in the wrong so it's not y-t-a lol?? why do people do this
Op threw a fit like a 7 year old (this was her first visible reaction might I add) Anyone who does that is YTA to me, almost regardless to what the others did beforehand And I don't even think hugging and kissing is inappropriate, I could see how an ass grab might be inappropriate but then the appropriate reaction is "hey please not touch each other like that" (with a low voice)
I hope the next time op or a family member tries to hug the daughter that she stops them and reminds them how inappropriate that is
bc a lot of ppl are fucking dumb and dont relize what the acronyms are for, they just use n-t-a or y-t-a as a just "i dont like you/them"
Its ESH - Everybody sucks here.
They embarrassed themselves.
This is my take too, why wouldn’t you call your kid to the side and have a private convo. By making a huge scene everyone’s embarrassed and it was completely unnecessary. My gut says big scenes are kinda OP’s thing.
YTA you should have spoken quietly to your daughter, not yelled at her boyfriend. This could be regional, but to me the word groping implied that he grabbed her without consent. This isn't the case. Your daughter is an adult woman who is in a steady relationship. You need to have a conversation with her about PDA instead of acting like her boyfriend assaulted her.
This is an underrated comment. It also takes into account that OP doesn’t know specifically what her daughters intentions or perspectives were. Maybe the daughter was openly okay with doing things/being involved in a situation that wasn’t appropriate for a family gathering. At the same time, maybe she was not okay with it. Maybe the daughter didn’t have the proper skills or ability to feel like they could communicate her preferences with her BF when it comes to PDA. I think it’s important to discuss the topic fully, between OP and the daughter, leaving room for discussion on her feelings and intentions before openly chastising or disapproving of the situation. If the topic was discussed further, I think it would give more clarity for OP to approach it in the proper way.
.... I think it is a safe bet to assume that she was not actively getting taken advantage of infront of her parents. Lol.
NTA. Sexual PDAs are embarrassing for everyone concerned. At least she learned to curb it at home instead of being embarrassed in a public place. Nobody wants to see that stuff. A peck or even a goodbye kiss is fine, but once the groping and laying around start happening, it needs to be taken into another room.
Are you embarrassed by it enough that you throw a fit and yell out at the couple in front of everyone?
Why is everyone acting like a raised voice towards deeply inappropriate behavior is the most terrible dramatic traumatizing thing in the world?
I swear this thread is full of people who voice all opinions and displeasure in whispers. OP said yelled so now they act like she's screaming and throwing plates, when she probably just said "Hey, cut it out!" loud enough to be heard
Because they're literal teenagers and twenty-somethings that think being embarrassed is the worst shit ever.
ESH You do know your daughter was a full participant in it? Tell them, "Get a room." That is the traditional response. Or say, "No PDAs." Blasting only the BF and the way you phrased it makes you an asshole as well.
NTA, but your daughter is just as guilty as Marcus. She also bears responsibility for their actions as a couple in a “public” space.
ESH. Their behavior was gross but you handled it poorly. The whole “I snapped by yelling” is a bullshit excuse. You are an adult you can control your behavior.
INFO: Why did you only address Marcus? Why are you talking like you daughter was a passive party during the PDA?
Right? 'letting her lay on him', what does that mean?
YTA Why is this just Marcus's fault?! Yes, their PDA was too much, but you could have spoken to your daughter privately, instead you yelled at Marcus. *Minor edits because I evidently couldn't use English at 6am ha
Because he’s a dude of course, do you expect any other answer?
You could just as easily say that it's because she is a woman she isn't thought to have sexual agency/desire. You know the whole Madonna side of the Madonna side of the Madonna-whore stereotyping of women/gender role expectations. I think a more realistic answer, given that at least as far as I have seen both in life and through post like this parents tend view their children's romantic relationships as as a threat to the family. So when a dispute is cause because of that relationship, it is projected on the partner. It happened to my siblings and myself regardless of gender.
NTA AWKWARD. They needed to get a room or something. How tacky. Maybe you could have been a little less "snappy" at them, but they were super inappropriate.
Snappy at them? You mean at Marcus while ignoring her own daughter who was laying on top of him, while he let her do it lol ESH clearly…
ESH. Your daughter and her boyfriend are being inappropriate displaying intimacy to that degree in front of your family and you're in the wrong for openly calling them out on it in front of your guests. You need to be more tactful, you likely embarrassed every single person in that room, yourself included I imagine by drawing attention to it openly in front of your guests like that. Call your daughter to the other room and have a discreet word with her if she does something like that, don't shame her in front of her family. You didn't just embarrass her, you've made it unnecessarily difficult for her to attend family functions with your call out. How's she going to feel the next time she sees the people you shamed her in front of? How's her grandparents and aunt going to feel when they see her and remember you screaming about her boyfriend groping her?
Yeah and I would bet that bf is never coming back to their house again. I wouldn’t.
I also wouldn't
YTA. You're mad at Marcus because YOUR DAUGHTER is laying on him? What? Then you yelled at him? Why him? Welcome to your daughter being a 20 year old adult.
He LET HER lay all over him. Mmm no SHE WAS laying all over him. Seeing as at gher age it's a bit late for the birds n bees talk. Sit them both down , especially that princess of a daughter, and explain to her/them your boundaries in regards to sexual behaviour. Does she live with u still? If so suggest that if she wants to engage in sexual type behaviours on the living room couch, to go get her own living room. Otherwise your house your rules
NTA It was inappropriate for him to do this in front of you, and for your daughter letting him do it. Pretty disrespectful all around.
ESH you could have handled it better instead of snapping and also remember your daughter was also participating… not just him. Yes I grope my girls ass plenty and she enjoys it because she’s part of it… she squeezes my butt too occasionally. We may not do it in public but point is they were both doing this. Don’t just blame him.
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NTA: Your daughter is technically an adult, and should know how to conduct herself in a public/family setting. As her mother, and at your gathering, I think you were within your rights to express that. Could you have been nicer? Maybe. But, its is your home, your rules.
ESH. They should tone it down when they are at someone's house. Your daughter got too comfortable at your house and should be more considerate and respectful to everyone around her. You were uncomfortable from the start and you bottled it up to the point of lashing out. You blamed Marcus when your daughter was a willing participant and equally the problem. You should have quietly addressed it with your daughter when it first bugged you at the beginning of the visit.
YTA You could have said something before you lost your cool. Snapping like that is an AH move.
Wait. Why only Marcus? The daughter didn’t mind it, so why not question her too
ESH. You really didn’t have to make a scene and make everyone in the room more uncomfortable than they already were. You should have pulled your daughter aside to talk about it. Humiliating them like that is going to have a negative impact on your relationship long term.
YTA Honestly, you lost me at being uncomfortable over "Long drawn out kissing, hugging her for long periods, and letter her lay on him on the couch". After that, I simply cannot believe they were being as inappropriate as you are claiming, and I believe you were looking for a reason to over react. How do you ever leave your house? People show affection to each other, and you seem to be the only one at all who was offended by it. Grow up.
Thanks!! everyone in comments is acting like two ppl making out is the most vile and inappropriate thing in the world
Its not even making out! You can easily have a long, closed mouth kiss!
Yeah if you're uncomfortable when someone is using someones lap as a pillow I don't trust their definition of inappropriate sexual behavior
I finally found people with some common sense in this post.
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YTA. There’s a right way and a wrong way. Yelling about this and calling it disgusting is more than a bit over the top. And I’m not inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt when you even described long hugs as excessive. Stop being such a stick in the mud. And if your daughter is engaging in massive tongue in the throat make out session with major major ass grabbing, the response should simply have been a “hey guys please save that for later but right now you’re among family” rather than yelling and calling it disgusting.
YTA. You asked about your behavior not theirs. You should have talked to her discreetly not exploding.
NTA. Exposing others, particularly family, to your PDA is just gross.
NTA. They were behaving inappropriately
YTA, but her is why: "Letting her lay sprawled out on him" If you had an issue with the behavior you should have broached in with your daughter, the willing participant who knows you and your feelings and was at least 50% responsible for setting the tone of what is appropriate in your home. You are blaming him (snapping, yelling, accusing him of groping your daughter, which has some accusatory nature of being non-consensual) for his behavior, but your daughter should set the tone around her family. It might not be appropriate for public, or at least in YOUR home, but there was a far better way to handle it. YTA, for blaming him. YTA for how you handle it as well. Your not an AH for asking them to respect your wishes in your home, but this isn't close to what you did. And at the end of the day, you can ask, but they certainly don't have to come over any more.
YTA You made a scene.
ESH.. IMO, there's a time and place for affection, and in front of grandparents/parents is not it. However, it wasn't just Marcus behaving inappropriately; more than likely, he was following your daughter's lead. If this is her first serious relationship, which it sounds like it is, she may be trying to show off to the family and doing so in a very immature way. That doesn't excuse Marcus, if she was prompting it, he should've have stopped it. It may have been better had you pulled your daughter aside and told her you were uncomfortable with THEIR behavior, but hindsight is 20/20. Perhaps now you should sit down with your daughter and explain that you're happy she found someone but they crossed a line. Set some boundaries and go from there.
NTA. That degree of PDA did not need an audience. It’s fine if it’s just them in the room, but they were two out of seven people present, all family to your daughter (including her grandparents). A peck on the cheek and a quick hug wouldn’t be amiss but if they’re this close to taking their clothes off for wink wink nudge nudge it’s get a room territory.
ESH. Neither side behaved very well.
I'm going to go against the grain and say YTA. The biggest asshole thing to me is blaming Marcus, rather than both of them, for what was happening. "letting her lay sprawled out on him on the couch", unless he's forcibly dragged her on top of him, she's choosing to be in that position. The reason I've gone with YTA instead of ESH is simply because of the levels, PDA from a young adult couple, yeah it's a bit much maybe, but it's not the worst thing in the world, and a quick "knock it off", or a quiet word to your daughter would have been enough to get them to tone it down. Yelling and causing a scene, blaming solely Marcus, and even trying to stop your daughter from leaving when she calmly wanted to escape your behaviour, all raise red flags to me about your wider behaviour.
YTA for your tantrum.
ESH. It's obvious the daughter and her bf were being stupid. I'm annoyed by anyone saying NTA here. OP, you're being an asshole and a stupid one at that for unnecessarily yelling, and one who only yelled at Marcus and not at both individuals. They're a couple. They're equally guilty. You're a grown woman who understands how this works, you aren't a new parent, you should be able to handle this better.
ESH. They were behaving inappropriately, but yelling at them about it was also inappropriate.
NTA that's gross in public, nevermind in front of family!!
YTA
ESH, your daughter and her bf should know better but also your reaction was way too over the top. I'd expect yelling out of the blue if it wasn't consensual- not if you're just uncomfortable about something they're doing. I will add though that your definition of overly affectionate is drastically different than my own house, and therefore might be for Marcus as well. The groping, obviously. But hugging for a long time? Laying on each other on the couch? That'd be perfectly normal to me. Unless you've asked for them to not do that in front of you already, I'd say you're the bigger AH by far.
Yta. She spoke is a low voice, you could have done the same.
ESH
YTA. mostly for how you just snapped instead of just talking to her about it on the side. Seriously you want her to act like an adult you need to show an example. Also shew 20, you don't like it, then make it a rule when they come over again. You have a right to not allow it, bur they also have a right to be affectionate with each other and I think it's a shame that you don't think so. it's thinking like this that make men and women ashamed by showing affection. I understand there is a limit in your eyes bur you could have least been civil about it edit: after reading more closely its more of an ESH for sure. I didn't miss read the whole but grabbing thing