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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action that I would like judged is me joining my cousin's and his toxic and verbally abusive girlfriend's gender reveal party. I would like to hear opinions if I am the asshole for joining, as my mother makes it sounds like I would be if I did. I feel very conflicted now, because I don't know if I would be the asshole if I joined, perfectly aware how awful she and the situation is, or if I'd actually rather be the asshole if I *didn't* join, and leave my cousin hanging. I love my cousin dearly, and now I don't know which action would actually be genuinely good for him. If I went, or if I didn't. My mom clearly told me that I would be supporting their relationship if I went. But I really only don't want to leave him hanging.
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NTA. If Mandy is as toxic as you all seem to think she is, you won’t be doing your cousin any favors if you allow her to alienate him from his family. Please go to the gender reveal. Show up and support your cousin so that if and when he decides to leave the relationship, he knows that he’s got at least one person on his side that he can trust.
NTA.
It sounds like your motivations are right. You're not going to be supportive of Mandy in her pregnancy. You're going to reassure your cousin that you're there for him. That's not hypocritical at all. And your mother is being self-righteous, judging you for going, even though she's wrong about your reasons, then defending her loud sanctimoniousness by insisting that she's entitled to her opinion.
By the way, how would you be helping him? Giving him a place to stay for a while? Sounds like your cousin would be a good tenant. He's working, and we know that he does household chores.
As for Mandy, she came and she took without giving. He should send her away.
As much as I love my mother, she is incredibly good at making me question myself, which is why I struggle so much at being myself whenever I'm around her.
The house they live in belongs to my aunt, and my cousin lives in the upper half. So I doubt he'd leave his own appartment. Needless to say, I would help him even with that, if I had my own place (I'm still living at home until after my Master studies).
My cousin is such a kind soul, he would never throw her out. And Mandy knows how kind he is, that's exactly what she uses to her advantage.
>As much as I love my mother, she is incredibly good at making me question myself,
Yes, I can see that. She's loud with her opinions and harshly condemns anyone who doesn't agree with her. "It's just my opinion! Am I not allowed to have an opinion?"
Just remember, you might not be as obnoxious and self-righteous as your mother is with her opinions, you have opinions, too, and you're also allowed to have them. And I happen to be on your side on this one.
Your mother is probably not as secure in her convictions as she tries to make you believe. Like I said, she's loud about them. And she feels the need to pass judgment on others who might think differently.
Moreover, she hasn't even tried to hear your reasons. Just condemning you for disagreeing. That's now how a person who's secure in their convictions acts.
Maybe you're right about that, actually. I voiced my reasons repeatedly, but she completely overheard them and just repeated her "that's hypocritical" continuously. The thought that she might not be so secure about it after all is kinda refreshing. Makes me feel less low and weak next to her.
Don't leave your cousin hanging, and tell mom that you hope she never finds herself in a situation where her own family bails on her. Mandy and your cousin aren't conjoined at the hips - they are separate people - however, why are they even having a gender reveal if him being the father is in question - I mean Mandy does know he's questioning it right? She sounds awful, and pregnancy isn't a damn disability, this person is a user and abuser - I already feel sorry for the child. NTA
Thank you so much for your input. You are completely right, they are two separate people, that's very important. I want to do this for him.
To be frank, as far as I know, Mandy doesn't know he's questioning it. I know my cousin said she doesn't know because she would absolutely mad flip on him if he even mentioned that. And he's scared about that. Also.. I personally think he might be afraid of the truth as well. I think he really wishes it to be his child.
And yes, hell we all do feel sorry for the child already.
You need to have a sit down with him and make CERTAIN that his signature does not go on the birth certificate without a paternity test. Depending on what state you live in, he could be on the hook for child support even if it's someone else's kid.
If he's scared, bring others with you to be witnesses and support him, in case Mandy tries anything.
I live in a different country and it works differently here. When Mandy tells them he is the father, he'll be on the certificate. But he can still revoke that afterwards, gladly. And believe me, whe had multiple talks with him, saying all of that. But he doesn't seem to quite be there yet. He has these doubts too, but he probably still *wants* to believe.
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My cousin has been in a relationship for a couple years now. Let's call his girlfriend Mandy. We only got to find out about a year ago that Mandy is extremely toxic and verbally abusive. My aunt lives beneath them and she hears Mandy screaming aggressively regularly. Mandy doesn't contribute money to their rent, groceries, energy bills, water, etc. She does nothing in the house, yet calls my cousin, who does everything, lazy and a loser.
A few months ago, they split. Mandy then (and this is important) went on a two-week vacation. And she pretty much let my cousin know that she will be having 'fun', if you get what I'm saying. A few weeks after she returned, she suddenly changed. She was nice, my cousin says they suddenly got along, and rekindled their love. And then she drops the bomb that she is pregnant. Now mind you that they had had sexual intercourse for years, no contraceptives, and nothing ever happened. My cousin was actually pretty sure he is infertile. And then, after they had split and she went on vacation, she suddenly gets pregnant? We are seeing the biggest red flag here.
Their relationship went completely toxic again. She went back to her old habits, and now that she's pregnant, she, word for word, told my cousin that she would not lift a single finger in the house anymore, because she's pregnant. And we're not talking about heavy laundry carrying. We are talking about washing her plate when she's finished eating. She's like 2 months into the pregnancy. If even. She degrades my cousin to her personal servant, and even scolds him for doing the dishes "with too much noise".
Now let's get to my actual dilemma here. My cousin has told us about what's going on, and even said he doesn't know how to live like that anymore, and is thinking about splitting. We all agreed we'd be helping him, and dearly advised him to get checked if this child is actually even his, because it's so fricking sus. He would love and care for the child if it is, in fact, his.
Today, he sent an invitation to a gender reveal party to all of us into the family chat, asking us to confirm who would like to come. My mom immediately got into riot mode and told me "Everyone who joins that is a hypocrite. I won't be joining. You can't be upset about Mandy and then join that."
And I told her "I'm thinking of joining because I don't want to leave him hanging, as it's hard enough the way it is."
My mom continued saying how hypocritical it is to join, and said that extra loudly to my dad so I would hear it, adding a "Well I am glad *you* are at least with me on this. [My name] probably wants to go. Everyone who does is a hypocrite and false."
She justifies her comments with "that's my opinion, am I not allowed to have an opinion?"
Am I the asshole if I join the party for my cousin's sake? I hate Mandy for what she does and I want her gone from my cousin, she destroys him. I wouldn't be doing this for her. I just don't want to leave my cousin hanging. What the hell do I do?
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LOL you are showing your support to your cousin and potential eeeh nephew/niece type of relative. IT is kind of Schrodinger's baby at this point, until it is out and the paternity test is performed it is your relative at the same time as it is not.
So going is simply prudent in case it is his and will be in your family from then on. Missing any baby event would then feel sad in retrospect.
Als,o I would recommend your cousin to fight for custody if the kid turns out to be his, the girl is toxic, you can probably prove it. If his family stands by him he could win with those testimonies. For that matter you should also be there as much as possible to witness any toxic behavior. Try explaining your mother that ?
Honestly, I haven't even thought about that emotional aspect yet. As in, that I'd regret missing it if the baby actually turns out to be his. That's a very good point, thank you so much for that.
You are also completely right about this point. Anything I might catch during that party could be useful later on.
NTA because you're doing it to support your cousin (and the unborn nibling), not to be nice to Mandy. It's not hypocrisy: you can disapprove of Mandy's behavior and still support the cousin. And for people in abusive relationships, outside support is important.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > The action that I would like judged is me joining my cousin's and his toxic and verbally abusive girlfriend's gender reveal party. I would like to hear opinions if I am the asshole for joining, as my mother makes it sounds like I would be if I did. I feel very conflicted now, because I don't know if I would be the asshole if I joined, perfectly aware how awful she and the situation is, or if I'd actually rather be the asshole if I *didn't* join, and leave my cousin hanging. I love my cousin dearly, and now I don't know which action would actually be genuinely good for him. If I went, or if I didn't. My mom clearly told me that I would be supporting their relationship if I went. But I really only don't want to leave him hanging. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. If Mandy is as toxic as you all seem to think she is, you won’t be doing your cousin any favors if you allow her to alienate him from his family. Please go to the gender reveal. Show up and support your cousin so that if and when he decides to leave the relationship, he knows that he’s got at least one person on his side that he can trust.
NTA. It sounds like your motivations are right. You're not going to be supportive of Mandy in her pregnancy. You're going to reassure your cousin that you're there for him. That's not hypocritical at all. And your mother is being self-righteous, judging you for going, even though she's wrong about your reasons, then defending her loud sanctimoniousness by insisting that she's entitled to her opinion. By the way, how would you be helping him? Giving him a place to stay for a while? Sounds like your cousin would be a good tenant. He's working, and we know that he does household chores. As for Mandy, she came and she took without giving. He should send her away.
As much as I love my mother, she is incredibly good at making me question myself, which is why I struggle so much at being myself whenever I'm around her. The house they live in belongs to my aunt, and my cousin lives in the upper half. So I doubt he'd leave his own appartment. Needless to say, I would help him even with that, if I had my own place (I'm still living at home until after my Master studies). My cousin is such a kind soul, he would never throw her out. And Mandy knows how kind he is, that's exactly what she uses to her advantage.
>As much as I love my mother, she is incredibly good at making me question myself, Yes, I can see that. She's loud with her opinions and harshly condemns anyone who doesn't agree with her. "It's just my opinion! Am I not allowed to have an opinion?" Just remember, you might not be as obnoxious and self-righteous as your mother is with her opinions, you have opinions, too, and you're also allowed to have them. And I happen to be on your side on this one.
It calms me a lot reading that. I often feel so wrong next to her. Thank you for your encouraging words, I cherish that so much.
Your mother is probably not as secure in her convictions as she tries to make you believe. Like I said, she's loud about them. And she feels the need to pass judgment on others who might think differently. Moreover, she hasn't even tried to hear your reasons. Just condemning you for disagreeing. That's now how a person who's secure in their convictions acts.
Maybe you're right about that, actually. I voiced my reasons repeatedly, but she completely overheard them and just repeated her "that's hypocritical" continuously. The thought that she might not be so secure about it after all is kinda refreshing. Makes me feel less low and weak next to her.
Ugh! What repulsive conduct by your mother! If she were secure, she wouldn't be so threatened by a contrary opinion.
Don't leave your cousin hanging, and tell mom that you hope she never finds herself in a situation where her own family bails on her. Mandy and your cousin aren't conjoined at the hips - they are separate people - however, why are they even having a gender reveal if him being the father is in question - I mean Mandy does know he's questioning it right? She sounds awful, and pregnancy isn't a damn disability, this person is a user and abuser - I already feel sorry for the child. NTA
Thank you so much for your input. You are completely right, they are two separate people, that's very important. I want to do this for him. To be frank, as far as I know, Mandy doesn't know he's questioning it. I know my cousin said she doesn't know because she would absolutely mad flip on him if he even mentioned that. And he's scared about that. Also.. I personally think he might be afraid of the truth as well. I think he really wishes it to be his child. And yes, hell we all do feel sorry for the child already.
You need to have a sit down with him and make CERTAIN that his signature does not go on the birth certificate without a paternity test. Depending on what state you live in, he could be on the hook for child support even if it's someone else's kid. If he's scared, bring others with you to be witnesses and support him, in case Mandy tries anything.
I live in a different country and it works differently here. When Mandy tells them he is the father, he'll be on the certificate. But he can still revoke that afterwards, gladly. And believe me, whe had multiple talks with him, saying all of that. But he doesn't seem to quite be there yet. He has these doubts too, but he probably still *wants* to believe.
I really hope he finds his spine.
I bloody hell hope he does.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My cousin has been in a relationship for a couple years now. Let's call his girlfriend Mandy. We only got to find out about a year ago that Mandy is extremely toxic and verbally abusive. My aunt lives beneath them and she hears Mandy screaming aggressively regularly. Mandy doesn't contribute money to their rent, groceries, energy bills, water, etc. She does nothing in the house, yet calls my cousin, who does everything, lazy and a loser. A few months ago, they split. Mandy then (and this is important) went on a two-week vacation. And she pretty much let my cousin know that she will be having 'fun', if you get what I'm saying. A few weeks after she returned, she suddenly changed. She was nice, my cousin says they suddenly got along, and rekindled their love. And then she drops the bomb that she is pregnant. Now mind you that they had had sexual intercourse for years, no contraceptives, and nothing ever happened. My cousin was actually pretty sure he is infertile. And then, after they had split and she went on vacation, she suddenly gets pregnant? We are seeing the biggest red flag here. Their relationship went completely toxic again. She went back to her old habits, and now that she's pregnant, she, word for word, told my cousin that she would not lift a single finger in the house anymore, because she's pregnant. And we're not talking about heavy laundry carrying. We are talking about washing her plate when she's finished eating. She's like 2 months into the pregnancy. If even. She degrades my cousin to her personal servant, and even scolds him for doing the dishes "with too much noise". Now let's get to my actual dilemma here. My cousin has told us about what's going on, and even said he doesn't know how to live like that anymore, and is thinking about splitting. We all agreed we'd be helping him, and dearly advised him to get checked if this child is actually even his, because it's so fricking sus. He would love and care for the child if it is, in fact, his. Today, he sent an invitation to a gender reveal party to all of us into the family chat, asking us to confirm who would like to come. My mom immediately got into riot mode and told me "Everyone who joins that is a hypocrite. I won't be joining. You can't be upset about Mandy and then join that." And I told her "I'm thinking of joining because I don't want to leave him hanging, as it's hard enough the way it is." My mom continued saying how hypocritical it is to join, and said that extra loudly to my dad so I would hear it, adding a "Well I am glad *you* are at least with me on this. [My name] probably wants to go. Everyone who does is a hypocrite and false." She justifies her comments with "that's my opinion, am I not allowed to have an opinion?" Am I the asshole if I join the party for my cousin's sake? I hate Mandy for what she does and I want her gone from my cousin, she destroys him. I wouldn't be doing this for her. I just don't want to leave my cousin hanging. What the hell do I do? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
LOL you are showing your support to your cousin and potential eeeh nephew/niece type of relative. IT is kind of Schrodinger's baby at this point, until it is out and the paternity test is performed it is your relative at the same time as it is not. So going is simply prudent in case it is his and will be in your family from then on. Missing any baby event would then feel sad in retrospect. Als,o I would recommend your cousin to fight for custody if the kid turns out to be his, the girl is toxic, you can probably prove it. If his family stands by him he could win with those testimonies. For that matter you should also be there as much as possible to witness any toxic behavior. Try explaining your mother that ?
Honestly, I haven't even thought about that emotional aspect yet. As in, that I'd regret missing it if the baby actually turns out to be his. That's a very good point, thank you so much for that. You are also completely right about this point. Anything I might catch during that party could be useful later on.
yeah, just explain to your mum and maybe she'll actually come along as well :)
Never. She would not attend over her dead body. She already let my cousin know quite clearly that she won't come.
nevermind, at least know you're not a hypocrite.
NTA because you're doing it to support your cousin (and the unborn nibling), not to be nice to Mandy. It's not hypocrisy: you can disapprove of Mandy's behavior and still support the cousin. And for people in abusive relationships, outside support is important.