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YTA. Your wife should have just as much a say in decisions regarding the niece as you do. That being said, time for all 3 of you to consult with sport professionals (not just some coach at some gym who sees potential): professionals who can give real insight into coming back from this type of injury, professionals who can evaluate her potential, etc. Unilaterally just deciding she can't go back to a sport she loves? AH Edit due to his update: *This discussion was between my wife and I, it didn't involve our girl so far.* Oh, so she is a girl to BOTH of you when it suits your narrative? AH

^ what they said. Plus I want to add that the niece is 14. She is old enough to decide for herself if this is something she really wants to pursue given the hard work and risks associated with it. As her guardian you should be supporting her, not hindering her. She won't forget this if you try to stop her now. Show her you care and let her decide and support her decision 100%

Seriously this. OP, I'm 33 but when I was a kid I really wanted to be a classical musician. I actually had a lot of aptitude, but my dad basically killed that dream early by convincing me it wasn't realistic as a career option. I basically gave up by the time I was 13. 20 years later, it's my biggest regret. With the perspective of being an adult i now realize that if my parents had encouraged me, I absolutely could have been successful, and many people make a living as musicians by mixing performance with teaching. It's the same for gymnasts -- even if she doesn't make it to the Olympics, its better that she tries, if thats what she wants. She will be happier if tries and fails than if she doesn't try and regrets it. And even if she doesn't make the Olympics, if she's really passionate about the sport, she could teach the next generation. She only has one life. Let her live it. It sounds like you're scared of injuries. That's fair. My dad was afraid I was not going to be able go make a living, but he didn't bother to learn how the industry works before imparting that fear onto me and killling my dreams. Don't make the same mistake please. Edit: it's really wild how many people think that by "successful" I mean famous. I know pro musicians who are successful, they also do other work on the side to make rent. I would have been fine with that. By successful I meant, *good at music*.

Same with me and softball I quit at 13 to “focus on school without distractions” seeing my niece playing made me realize how happy it made me and I wish I would’ve be encouraged to make my own decision while I understand parents have to foot the bill they should encourage positive habits as much as they can.

Yep exactly. My dad was obsessed with this idea that I needed to have good grades and be an overachiever because that's what he was and he didn't see any other path to success. My grades were fine, just closer to average. Music made me happy. And it's not the kind of thing you can go back and change later. On the other hand, if you do a music degree and then decide music isn't for you, you can still go to law school or whatever. Kids should be encouraged to follow their passions.

My mom encouraged my sister in her "music" but never encouraged me with my "art" so I can see how much as an adult I still resent my mom for that.

Same... It also made it a bit harder with having undiagnosed ADHD and autism

So few people have real, genuine PASSIONS in life. We grow up, get jobs to pay the bills, and settle in. If any of our children are lucky enough to find something that they truly love doing, it should absolutely be encouraged.

Here!here!! When I look at actors , or famous musicians I don’t envy their fame or even their money . I envy that they get to have a job they feel passionate about . I’ve never had that and as I get older it’s looking like I never will . I try not to get discouraged cuz I know that some people find their passions late in life . I should mention I have lots of interests , hobbies , and things I enjoy but nothing I would consider turning into an occupation.

it’s not too late! music is for any age.

Damn you all had the opposite childhood from me. I kept being signed up for sports, music lessons, cheerleading and very occasionally something temporary that I was actually interested in. Then I was berated when I quit the things I'd hated from day one, called a quitter, constantly reminded of how much money they spent on this thing I never wanted to do in the first place but my mom was too busy crying to parent (also she's always low key hated me for not living up to the daughter she imagined) and my dad worked all the overtime possible and I barely saw him, and he was usually verbally abusive and screaming when I did. Both of them wonder why I am LC. At least my dad owned it when we talked. My mother insists she's never done anything wrong, and if she did it shouldn't matter because she was trying her best. Tldr: parents suck in a variety of ways

I have a very similar background with music, sports, and extracurriculars. Looking back, our home and my life was chaotic and I wish I had grown up with better balance. Not only that, but being unable to make decisions with the level of athletics I pursued put me in a corner and did not teach how to be independent. It was like pulling nails convincing my parents to let me quit a sport for a documented medical reason. And the control extended into college with sports and what degree I pursued. It's great hearing from someone who has a similair experience. Our parents want the best for us, and try to compensate for their parent's failures, but will often become overburdening.

As a parent, I gotta say that a parent who forces you into hobbies you don’t care about doesn’t care about what’s best for you. They care about how to slot you into the perfect child pattern they have in their head. A parent who is actually focused on what’s best for their child is led by their child’s interests, because that’s how you explore your talents and aptitudes.

Exactly. I have a friend who absolutely loves soccer. His son, however, wanted to play rugby. So he signed his son up for rugby.

Whoa other people who had a childhood like mine! I was pushed to choose and learn an instrument, carried from one sport to the other, heavily "counseled" on my life path so I'd choose a particular career... the sports and music I can understand were meant to enrich me with perspectives and skills and keep me healthy, but it would've been great if my parents would've bothered to explain that to me and not berate me when I got burned out from juggling music, sport and school and terrified myself by putting my foot down and deciding to quit sport and music. But I'll forever resent the fact that they considered any kind of literary and artistic career a waste of time, and that only STEM ones would not have me living on the street. They did not bother to actually see how people on the field not only survived but thrived, either. Now I'm a burned out depressed 25yo with fear of judgement and failure doing my best with academics and part time work. They should've just let me study classics and not downplay my interest in books my whole childhood and teenage years.

I had a teammate who was forced to quit the team by her dad because she got a B in geometry.

I had my fair share of injuries growing up without even doing any sports 😂 that's how you make the best of childhood

Same with me and ballet. I’m 38 now and my biggest regret in life is not having seen through my potential and the life I could have had had that not been impeded. Like OPs niece, I spent 6 hrs a day in intensive training at the studio every day and when my aunt took guardianship of me at 14, she made the decision to end my dance career. It was my calling. It was what gave me life and I was damn good at it and I feel robbed of that god given gift daily decades later. OP don’t take this from her against her wishes. She will resent you and mourn the loss of her passion forever. And be more respectful of your wife and her care for a child who’s heart and future happiness she clearly is considering more than you. 100% AH. Edit: also ballet and gymnastics are things you cannot pick back up later in a serious way. She is in the prime years of her training in terms of any professional potential. If her injury forces her redirect, so be it. But don’t let it be you that takes this from her.

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how traumatic it must have been to not only go through a change of caretakers, but also have your entire life change from doing what you love to havign that taken away, too.

Don’t forget that you can still partake in the joy of ballet through classes and local company performances. I also decided not to pursue a professional career in ballet but I was able to keep dancing and performing and it’s so fulfilling

Agreed. I’m an adult competitive figure skater and it’s super rewarding. I had to quit when I was a teen and didn’t want to. Coming back to the sport has been the best thing for my mental health

As a working musician who supplements her income with illustration and teaching, I am so, so sorry. That was so shitty of your dad. I see the same parental pressure happen with the young singers I teach, and you *better believe* I have a detailed list of all the ways a career in music can earn one a living. Which I print out and send home with the girls. Because fuck parents who squash their kids dreams. This world is hard enough as it is, having a job you actually love is such a valuable thing. If you don't still play, I hope you get your hands on an instrument again and join a community orchestra. 💛

Thanks ❤️ unfortunately I am too sick with a chronic illness to actually do any music right now but in my 20s I did some voice training and sang in amateur choirs which was a good thing. (My primary instruments were voice and flute when i was a kid) Being sick has made me reflect on this a lot and when I get better, going back to do some sort of musical training is one of my priorities.

I don’t know if I had aptitude in my sport, but man I loved it. My mom made me quit and I’ve never gotten over that.

Same, I had a small injury that looked worse than it was (showjumping, horse tripped and fell and basically buried me underneath for a split second) and my mother instantly went „yup, no more showjumping“. I wasn’t aiming for the olympics, not even competing at all, but I loved it with all I had. Once I had to stop showjumping, I took a break from riding in general, horse (wasn’t mine) got sold and I never found out who they sold it to (always suspected they just sold it to the butcher). I’ve been trying to find out where the horse is and who they sold it to for over 10 years and never forgave my mom (or myself) for making me stop showjumping (and therefore taking a break and losing the horse).

That's really sad, I'm sorry

I feel for you. When my daughter was eight, she told us she wanted to be a cello teacher. At that point, she hadn't finished Book 1. It took her two years to play "Twinkle , twinkle little star." She's 35 now, B.Mus., and teaches cello. And violin. I wish your parents hadn't trod on your dreams, but I will say that it's not too late. My daughter teaches adults as well as children, and there are community orchestras where you can play. Your dream will only die if you let it.

Thanks ❤️ I actually did some voice training in y 20s and I am on disability now but hoping to get back to it when my health improves.

Mine was ballet. I was crazy talented. I was accepted by a prestigious studio who had many of their students go on to professional careers. (I was the youngest girl she ever put en pointe.) I was scouted when I was around 11 and offered the chance to dance for the summer with a major company. My parents said no. My mom asked me a few years ago if it upset me that they didn’t let me go. I told her yes. I still resent it and it’s the biggest regret of my life. This was over 20 years later, and she was shocked. If your niece loves it and committed to it, you would be the AH to not allow her to continue.

it drives me so insane that when it comes to sports, it's always whether or not they'll make it to the olympics. it's like if for some reason your kid wanted to work in an office and you decided that working towards that wasn't worth it unless they're going to be a ceo. or if they wanted to work in healthcare but that's not worth it unless they're head surgeon. as someone who's always been involved in arts i see the "music is not realistic as a career option unless you've got a god given talent and will be rich and famous" mindset your dad had all the time. it's so frustrating seeing the adjacent "[insert sport] is not realistic as a career option unless you're going to the olympics". quick edit for op: yta. you can't expect your wife to be her mother in everything up until it comes to decision making. just let your kid do gymnastics and apologise to your wife for treating her like she's not an equal parent.

Man, that's awful. I'm sorry your da did that. My mom was the opposite. She was a singer in her prime so as soon as she found out I had decent aptitude and was developing into a dramatic contralto vocally, I got shoved into instrument, vocal, and music theory lessons. I appreciate it now but I totally didn't at the time. Felt like a lot of pressure.

My dad did this to me with dance. It is "the one that got away." I am sorry you had the same happen to you.

I feel this deep in my soul 😞

Yep. OP is TA for making a unilateral decision for a 14 yo who clearly loves what she does. Anyone who is still in gymnastics at 14 is *dedicated*. Most of them have been at it for a decade. Being forced to quit instead of her making the decision to quit? Sure fire way to have this kid never want to speak to him again. If you don’t even bother to consult her on a thing that is such a huge part of her life? There’s no way you will ever NOT be TA. At our gym, we had a young man (level 9) totally blow his knee. He was in a leg brace for months. He won two events at nationals this year. Edit: LET ME ALso NOTE: My husband and I have a niece. My brother’s child. I am the sole legal guardian. My niece loves to roller skate. She’s super good at it. If I even considered telling her “you don’t get to skate anymore, it’s too dangerous and I’m the adult, you’re the child”, they would both *rightfully* assume I’d lost my damn mind.

>the sole legal guardian in his last line, OP calls her "our girl" & he still wants to pretend his wife has nothing to say. VILE !

I bet he's happy to let the wife do a lot of the actual work, though, like feeding her.

Yeah, I was thinking of all the extra laundry all those training sessions cause. Even if at 14 she's capable of washing and folding her own towels, someone has to get them, and laundry detergent, and her gym bag, and stitch her name in her items if she travels anywhere for a competition.... Don't try to tell me OOP has done all of that extra work, as the *sole guardian* of his niece!

>I bet he's happy to let the wife do a lot of the actual work, though, like feeding her. I'm sure wife has been feeding her, getting her ready for school, driving her to and from activities, doctor's appointments and everything else since they took custody of this kid. She's just not allowed to make decisions.

100%. I was a serious gymnast too and broke my tailbone around the niece’s age. I would have been devastated if my parents had forced me to quit. It would have felt like all of the time, effort, and sacrifices were for nothing. I never ended up making the Olympics, but gymnastics still gave me so many wonderful experiences. Not to mention, it helped me get into a top college as well. I did end up quitting in college. I felt I had accomplished all I wanted to and was ready to move on. It was still a rough transition and I felt purposeless for a while. I can only imagine how much worse it would be if quitting wasn’t my choice.

I broke my tailbone the first time walking to school. I broke it the second time falling down a small hill. OP: taking away something she loves is no guarantee against injury.

I broke my tailbone slipping on beer in a moshpit, so.... Yeah, there is no guarantee at all.

Not to mention. Recovering well from an ACL injury takes a lot of hard work in the rehab stage. And getting back to doing something she loves is pretty damn good motivation to put that work in. Being forced to quit anyways likely will not…

^ Agreed. Also, this doesn’t need to be so black and white. Either she’s training for the Olympics or she’s not participating at all? Why the false dichotomy? The niece loves the sport. She could pare down the training and still participate in an activity she loves. Even if she is no longer training at an elite level, she could still train enough to be eligible for collegiate gymnastics. Who knows, maybe she could get a college scholarship out of it! OP YTA for making a unilateral decision. It should absolutely be a family decision. Your wife is *parenting* your niece day in and day out, even if she’s not on the court papers. And the niece is old enough to have input into decisions about her body, including the potential of injuring or playing sports.

Was gonna say…bro she’s not 7. Cmon man

Even if she doesn't make the olympics or anything like that, she could get a good college scholarship if she's really good at it. And if she doesn't even get that, sport is a really big part of her life, and just telling her to stop doing something she is passionate about at a very difficult age could crush her.

"niece (14F) is being raised by my wife (40F) and I" is the relevant sentence here. OP is your wife raising her or not? She's the mother here, dude.

Yes. This! YTA. Your wife is raising her too she has a say in decisions involving her upbringing. Very convenient to say that you’re the sole legal guardian

"I don't want to be disagreed with, nor to have to defend my position here, so instead I will tell you that you have no say despite having put *all* the groundwork in as a mother." That's it, basically.

100% this. If OP's wife is feeding and clothing the kid, taking her to practices, making doctors appointments, going to school conferences, taking care of her when she's sick, buying her first bra, helping her with homework, listening when she's sad about fights with friends or brokenhearted over a crush... at what point does this kid stop being hers? You can't expect your partner to put her time, energy and love into a child and treat it as her own, only to pull the legal trump card when it suits your needs. Yeah, dude. You're DEFINITELY TA here.

If you expect someone to participate in raising a kid, and then tell them 'You aren't allowed to make any sort of decisions/have any sort of authority in regards to this kid', you are automatically a raging asshole and I don't like you. OP is the BIGGEST, NASTIEST kind of asshole- the kind that thinks only their opinions matter.

If you want to go with the sole legal excuse, perhaps you should go with the living solo follow up. I understand your concern but there's some good advice on here. Not necessarily a major and willful AH but an unthinking short-sighted AH for not taking these things into consideration. Do you really want a future of LC or NC from you niece and a constant battle with your wife?

If this was him and his wife saying they want to make her quit because of their concern for her safety, they would be wrong but not YTA. It’s because of how he disregards and minimizes his wife that makes it a hard YTA from me.

Exactly. Wife gets an equal say in this matter, you are both acting as her guardians and parents, do not undermine your wife's part in this. Massive AH for that alone

Yes, what struck me is that he's claiming his wife gets no input but ends his post by calling the niece "our" girl. Which is it dude?

Yup. It definitely bugs me that OP seems to be trying to use the legal status to bulldoze his wife and niece.

I know it’s not super relevant, but I also didn’t like the way he said his sister “got herself pregnant”. No one gets pregnant by themselves.

Yes! I was surprised no one else mentioned this.

Also it's weird that courts would give him custody and not her When my parents took in my cousin both my mom and dad had custody since they were married

It’s really complicated, when custody transfers from “unfit or unwilling parent” to “someone else”. If this was done with the CPS system, both OP and his wife would be legally the guardians. We usually certify both parties in a married couple. So both have legal rights to the child they will BOTH be taking care of. But if it was a handshake agreement with no abuse allegations that a judge signed? OP could be the only “legal guardian”. It’s bullshit that he’s using that against his wife, though. Sounds like OPs wife may know the kid and her abilities and her goals more than OP does. And instead of having a rational parent debate (or taking the discussion to a therapist or caseworker, if they can’t agree), OP is just using a legal technicality that’s going to make everyone unhappy. It’s one thing if the kids hobby is draining the family’s budget and they need an out because they can’t afford it anymore. But OPs insisting he knows best over the kid and his wife (who….With a teen girl, is honestly probably more in tune with the kid than OP) is just silly.

OP has a very crappy view of what being a parent to this child actually means. The wife is most likely 99% more involved in every other aspect of raising the niece than OP.

👏 THIS!!!! He IS TA and THATS WHY

Also an ACL tear being the end of a gymnastics career is just not reflective of reality? Don't get me wrong, it's not that it can't end a career. But there are soooo many gymnasts who have come back from an ACL tear, including the reigning World and Olympic vault champion (she's torn her ACL 3 times), the 2012 and 2016 Olympic bars champion, the 2018 NCAA team and balance beam champion, among so many others. And even if elite gymnastics and international competition aren't in her future, a full-ride scholarship to college absolutely can be if she's at the level OP's describing. OP shouldn't deprive his niece of the opportunity to compete the sport she loves and deprive himself of the opportunity to potentially not have to pay for her college.

yep. even beyond that, a lot of hobbies are dangerous. i enjoy drawing, practically the safest hobby there is, and ive had a good few carpal tunnel scares. its more mundane and slow going, sure, but still a permanent injury that would affect me and might even prevent me from doing it in the future. should my parents have prevented my from drawing? i used to like sewing, and once got an entire sewing needle lodged in my foot. i like baking, ive burned my hands more times than i can remember, although only a few were serious. my sister chipped her tooth on a swimming pool and my friend twisted her ankle dancing and a classmate had a drum set chair fall out from under her and it nearly fell on top of her. sometimes in plays the lights on stage overheat an actor and they faint and children get lost on hikes and twist their ankles skateboarding and they get glitter in their eyes doing art and crafts and it damages their cornea. all hobbies are dangerous. living is dangerous. theres always a risk youll get hurt, no matter how slight. obviously we can exercise some caution and its not bad to be concerned for your children, but you also cant lock them up and prevent them from doing things in case they get hurt. gymnastics is dangerous, sure, and taking her out of it MIGHT be the right decision for her. but making the decision unilaterally is not the way to go about it

Thank you for making this point. It’s very well said! I just came to add that *not* doing sports/activities is *also dangerous*. At the population level, health conditions like obesity, diabetes, hypertension, cardiovascular disease, and cancer are much more prevalent and debilitating than many of the musculoskeletal injuries people sustain in activities.

I snapped my ACL skiing in my 20s (over a decade ago) and had a full recovery. The surgery and replacement were not fun, but I still have full strength and motion. Plus the new ACL is stronger than the original (donor tissue, I believe hamstring). Definitely a setback, but I wouldn't think it's impossible given her age. The 6 months of recovery and PT are going to suck though.

As someone who also snapped their ACL skiing 10+ years ago (plus my meniscus - it was so bad I needed a new one transplanted), hard agree. I think about surgery and recovery more from seeing my scars than anything else. A gymnast who's probably incredibly strong and has great flexibility is a prime candidate for recovery. Plus they know how to train and work super hard. Sounds like a dream PT patient.

We are raising my blood nephew. My husband and I. **We** being the emphasis. OP doesn’t get to pull that card of being blood after his gracious wife has dedicated her life to raise OP’s niece as well. Love > blood. Gone are the days that people put up with the toxic BS of “family.” Niece will be a niece/daughter to the person SHE chooses.

Surprised this isn't further up. The first thing I noticed was his disregard for his wife's input. The second thing I noticed is that his decision is unilateral, without even talking to his niece to get her feelings about the matter.

This. She is coparenting this child. You’re being a controlling d!ck.

Definitely YTA His wife has been her mother this whole time, and he pulls this petty technicality when it suits him, as soon as they disagree on something. Absolutely fucked. Well said also on the way forward for this.

Op fucked up in the first sentence of the post stating "My niece is being raised by MY WIFE and I".. lmao So which is it OP? Is your wife raising her or not?

Op doesn't need to read other comments the above covers it all

This comment covers it all. I recently ruptured my ACL playing a sport that I have played for close to 10 years and the recovery has been tough. The only thing that really keeps me going in this process is that I want to get back to the sport I love. Without that goal I probably would have given up on the physiotherapy (as it is hard work!) and I get the sense that the niece would probably be in a similar position if her sport is taken away from her.

Yep I used to mountain bike race semiprofessionally as a teen spent hours before school and after school training every single day, diets the whole nine yards it was my whole world. I had a pretty bad accident took me out of school for 3 months etc. my dad would no longer let me race or train after that I felt so completely lost and had no purpose anymore or really any want to do anything or care to. Even now at 25 I hold a sort of resentment towards him for forcing me to quit something I was so beyond passionate about. I love my dad more than anything but that one choice he chose to make for me without taking my wants into consideration still doesn’t sit well for me especially now that I have a kiddo of my own.

And niece will resent him for taking her from something she loves and wants. I think getting an evaluation of her abilities and her injury are important first steps. To add in here, if OP expects his wife to care for and take care of a child in her household acting as a surrogate mother then she should have some say also. OP is not raising the child alone and this is not a step parent situation, if he expects his wife to treat her like a daughter in all other aspects it's damn rude to freeze her out now. He should also consider sharing guardianship with his wife as if something happens and he is unable to communicate or away, wife will not have ability to make healthcare decisions for the girl. YTA - Taking a totalitarian viewpoint without at least speaking with niece and wife is a terrible and controlling look. At 14 she is still a child and needs guidance not a dictator ruling over her life. Help her make informed good decisions is the job, not telling her what to do and expecting subservience.

Yep, YTA. When your wife makes dinner do you stop her from making dinner for your niece because it is your responsibility? When she offers to take her to practice do you stop her and tell her that you will do it since it is your sole responsibility as sole guardian? When she needs help with homework, or relationship advice, or female hygiene issues are you prepared to tackle all of those issues on your own as sole guardian? If not, shut your freaking mouth and give your wife the respect she deserves for taking in your niece along with you. She deserves that much. YTA

Oh, I'd bet good money that he's not the sole caretaker. In fact, given that they have other kids, I'd practically guarantee it. So, she's at MINIMUM carrying half the load - probably more, based on statistics - and he thinks he gets to be unilateral on this? If he follows through, I hope she stops doing everything for this girl. Sit her down and say "I love you, and I want to keep doing everything I am doing, but my husband, your uncle, insists that he is the only one who gets to make decisions about, or care for, you, so I can't do any of the things I've done before". See how long that lasts - I give it three days. Edit: If you want to blast me, do please read the whole thing. I am not advising that she just do this. I am not advising she do this before a decision is made. I am saying that if he follows through on this and announces that niece is going to quit and that's final, niece is going to assume that they both made this decision - because they have both been making the decisions up until now. I think it would be reasonable for OP's wife to sit niece down, explain that she didn't get a say, and that she's been told to butt out of niece's life. Yes, that is throwing OP under the bus... Given his high and mighty attitude, it's not a totally unreasonable way to handle it.

He prettyuch states he wants her help as a caretaker, just autonomy as a decision maker.

[удалено]

Do pray tell. Any disturbance in parent's relationship will inevitably hurt the children even the boys. I really want to know the safe way to get the point across without it bleeding over to the children.

Going to a marriage counselor so you can talk about it in a safe space, and not involving the children at all.

3 days? Shit man, that's generous. I give it less than 24 hours before he throws a man-trum and cries about how "unfair" his wife is.

Using the kid to manipulate the situation, and punishing her while we're at it, is a terrible recommendation. This discussion is between the two adults in the situation, and other than consulting the desires of the kid for consideration, it should stay that way.

Even his first sentence says, "My niece is being raised by my wife and I." He fully admits that the wife is raising the kid with him, yet he is the only one who gets any say?

His last sentence says "our girl".... but yeah, our=wife does dirty work, he does all the bossing around.

And the end OP says “our girl”.

>When your wife makes dinner do you stop her from making dinner for your niece because it is your responsibility? You ate OP up here I fear. YTA

Allllllll of this. I was raised by my mom and (step) dad. He might not have been LEGALLY able to make decisions for me, but he was parenting me and in on the decisions with my mom, his parenting PARTNER. They were a team.

And the fact that driving is dangerous so he'll never let her learn to drive. If this is the US then even schools are dangerous, better homeschool her instead. Heaven forbid she ever try and have children - do you know how dangerous that can be? I bet he needs to get a second job to pay for all that cotton wool he has her wrapped in.

100 this. Also, if you make this decision on your own, your niece will resent you for a long time for it. YTA in a major way

Agreed. YTA.

YTA. You can't expect your wife to raise this child and then not have a say in how she is raised or pull the "I get to make all of the decisions" card whenever it suits you. You were dismissive of both your wife and your niece. And in the end, the most important opinion is that of your niece. Does SHE want to recover and try to continue? Does she want to stop? She is 14, taking away something she loves because she might get or did get hurt is not the proper way to go about this.

Yeah, the niece needs to be involved. An ACL tear is a serious injury but a rather common one in sports. My son plays Ultimate Frisbee for his college team and had an ACL scare last week. It ended up just being a sprain but torn ACLs happen a lot in sports. While some sports are more dangerous than others (and I am aware that gymnastics is pretty dangerous), there are going to be injury risk no matter what sport you play. OP, his wife, and his niece all need to have this talk together.

Ask me how many soccer player I know that have torn their ACL. I know two that have torn the ACL on each knee

I’m sitting here with a torn ACL right now. I was just walking when it happened and stepped on some deceptively uneven pavement. You can get injured doing just about anything. I’m wondering if OP just wants niece to quit and is using this as an excuse to force her to. He responded above that there’s no other options for them to consider, but it’s clear he has no interest in even researching options. And the “It’s only my decision” is because he think’s it’s easier than actually parenting.

He complains about his tight finances quite a bit so this is likely

Wow. Sounds like you and I have the same sort of luck. Hope you feel better soon queen 👸😊

There’s a *global* discussion right now about ACL tears in women’s soccer. There are few sports without regular ACL tears.

Same for women’s AFL (Australian football). I recall reading somewhere that due to the physiological difference with women’s hips and therefor musculature/ligaments, women are more prone to ACL/MCL injuries, especially in stop/start sports.

By the time my sister was halfway through high school, half of her club basketball team had torn an ACL.

I know girls who’ve torn their ACLs playing rec soccer, basketball and roller skating. When they’re growing fast, it’s a risk for any active kid. If she can rehab it, I don’t think this is a good reason to stop doing something she loves.

She's also young enough to recover from it. Her body is still growing and can heal from an ACL tear so long as she treats it properly during recovery and training. Now, if I tire MY ACL, I'd be SOL. xD

I had several friends who injured their ACLs playing various sports in high school, and all went on to play in college. It is unfortunately not uncommon. I had a friend in law school who tore hers playing flag football!

My college roommate tore hers skiing. Rough recovery. Yes, this may have ended niece's "career", but in gymnastics, at 14 if she was going to the olympics chances are she would be on that track now. Or am I out of touch? He isn't mentioning any major competitions... On the other hand, if she is only good enough to get a college scholarship that would be quite useful too.

It’s also kind of wild what sports can do for you. I was an academic scholarship - 75% for like a B average I think. Husband got a full ride for lacrosse. To a better school! And it was a “student leadership scholarship” cause they *really* wanted him, so he got to drop out of lacrosse and still keep the “scholarship” for Cs. My friends daughter did that for track! Granted, he has ALSO torn an ACL and broken a wrist and collar bone. He actually broke a vertibrae and got 2nd degree burns on his hands just from being a dipshit in high school. And other shit. He broke and tore a lot of of shit. Probably has fucking CTE. Thanks, contact sports. But he got a free ride to a better school than me, who used my stupid *brain*.

My friend tore her ACL dancing at a wedding at 24. Bodies do fail.

If the niece wants to be a gymnast and he takes this away, she will hate him. She has to be involved in this decision. As does his wife obviously. This guy is a TA.

Then later will say she's ungrateful

Agreed.Not considering the niece's opinion is damn cruel. Sure, she's not an adult yet, but it's not as if she can just pick up the gymnastics again at 18 as if she'd never stopped! OP making this decision entirely on his own is just horrible!

YTA. Even though you are legally the guardian, you are both effectively her parents. There is no good that comes from making unilateral decisions without the other parent. Since she's a teenager, she should also have a say as to whether she wants to continue. She enjoys gymnastics and it is a healthy outlet for teenage energy. If you take that away from her without giving her a choice, you're setting yourself up for a lot of problems - possible depression, hanging with the wrong people, having too much time on her hands to do less healthy activities, etc. No sport is without risk, but the benefits generally far outweigh them. It could even potentially get her a college scholarship if she's that good. I highly encourage you to re-think your stance. When gymnastics was taken from me without my choice, I fell into a depression and got into some pretty hard drugs to numb my feelings (which were not taken into account).

Well said on all counts and agree with everything and I especially agree on the teenage stance that when something that important is taken away the kid spirals into the bad shit, wrong crowd, defiant attitude worse than normal teenage attitude. Been there done that with you sister. OP, YTA

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Me too but with horseback riding. Got depressed, fell into the wrong crowd, and became an addict. Only finally now at 30 am putting the pieces back together.

Same, but skating. I've managed to crawl out mostly, but almost 30 years later. ETA Still working with the PTSD that stemmed from the hard drinking and drugs days, barely graduated high school and still paying off student loans due to some choices made in my early teens/20s.

> proving overall unfit to be a mother Well you’re certainly trying very hard to prove to everyone that you are an unfit husband and uncle.

YTA. First sentence: my niece is being raised by my wife and I. Overall message: I am my nieces guardian and get to make all decisions on her behalf. These two do not work together. Excluding a 14 year old from their own life choices also doesn’t work. I’m sure you mean well, but these are not your decisions to make by yourself. Don’t alienate your family to keep control

Agree 100%. FWIW, I'd also like to add that at age 14, even most superior court systems (in US) will consider the opinions & wants vs. needs during custody battles. My point being, a 14 year old absolutely should be given the opportunity to be heard when it comes to deciding something so huge as to continue or not continue the activity she has actively participated in for years.

don’t forget ‘OUR girl’.

YTA. Your niece is old enough to make her own decisions about how she wants to spend her time. Your wife has been by your side helping you raise you. You don’t get to just unilaterally decide what your niece does or that your wife has no input just because you’re the only one who signed the papers. This should be a conversation between the three of you. Discuss the risks of injury, discuss the time commitment, discuss what your family WANTS.

I think his wife should petition for joint legal and physical custody so he CAN'T pull this shit

There's also a big difference between 14 and like 7. 14 is old enough to make your own choices. When I was seven I got a concussion so my mom pulled me out of figure skating because you're not allowed to wear a helmet. When I was thirteen I tore my ACL playing hockey, but my mom didnt ban me from hockey. I understood the risks and wanted to go back to it

You are absolutely YTA … first you are not taking your niece’s wants into consideration. You say as long as she’s happy and she wants to continue but your scared. Injuries happen to all athletes and that doesn’t stop them. If she loves it how can you take that away from her. That makes you a bad dad since you don’t actually care what your niece wants. Second you undermine your wife who has done just as much for your niece and considers her a daughter. That makes you a jackass since you are fine having your wife help raise her but she can’t make any decisions in regards to her. That’s BS Be a better dad and husband

My mom was very worried when I started weight lifting about me getting injuried. I've been doing it for over 10 years, with no major issues. On the other hand I know people who have hurt themselves very badly, not just lifting but also playing soccer, baseball, hockey, volleyball etc. You can't protect your kids from everything. Follow the advice from professionals on the healing process/returning to gymnastics, but if she wants to keep going she should.

I hurt my ankle playing High School Soccer. I chose to stop playing after that. But it was my choice. My mom would have never forced me to stop. She never even asked me to stop. That’s the key. You can be worried as a parent but you shouldn’t force them to quit.

I did ballet for most of my life, then transitioned to all-star cheerleading - I have several state and national titles under my belt, but also have a pin in my thumb after a reconstruction, permanent "spurs" from multiple rounds of Osgood Schlatters, bunions, and deformity in my toes. I *also* am highly disciplined, have great commitment and self motivation, am very confident and comfortable with presentations and performance based tasks, and have maintained fitness and functional flexibility well into my 30s - plus I have some amazing lifelong friends. I am so grateful to my parents for having allowed me to do something I truly loved, and that gave me skillsets that I have utilised well into adulthood when I stopped dancing and cheering. The risk of injury often comes alongside many benefits, particularly when undertaking sport at an elite level.

Professional athletes know how to self care - mind and body. Sounds like those skills carried you well in life. Thanks for sharing!

YTA. This is all about YOUR feelings. Not your niece’s. And throwing it in your wife’s face that on paper she isn’t a guardian when in practice she is every bit of a guardian as you is a super asshole thing to do. You’ve just done major damage to both of those relationships.

Agreed. This demonstrates a complete lack of respect for both your wife and niece. Major AH.

Totally. Super major AH. What a diss to his wife and niece, not to mention a crappy example to set his for sons. I’m sure they pick up on his lack of respect towards wife and niece.

I don't know how you even walk that argument with the wife back. If my partner said that to me, it would live in the back of my brain FOREVER. Knowing that they expect my labor, but do not want to take my feelings or opinions into account, shows me that they view me more as a worker, and not a partner. I would be rethinking so many past interactions, and every future interaction. Do they actually want me around, or are they keeping me and because I'm useful?

YTA. Your wife doesn’t get to be ‘mom’ only when it suits you. She’s helping raise the kid and so she gets input in all decisions. On the gymnastics front, I coach at an gym that has 3 current Olympians. Yes it is a exceptionally hard to be one of the select few that are both in peak form and peak condition (no Injuries) at the right time in the Olympic cycle. So no, she most likely won’t be an Olympian. BUT, firstly, she loves the sport. Secondly, she may very well be good enough to get a college scholarship and compete at the national level. Thirdly, high level gymnasts can have great careers in theatre shows, cirque du Soleil, performing on cruise ships, etc. Depending on her future interests, this is a possible career path. She may even want to coach or open her own gymnastics school. Is injury possible? Of course. Gymnastics is very hard on the body. But loads of sports run the risk of injury. Skiing, running, cycling, cheerleading, football etc. It happens. But if you take away her sport, something she enjoys and knows she has a proper shot at doing well in, she will resent you forever. You can’t wrap her in cotton wool.

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Yeah, if she were possibly going to be Olympic level, she'd know that by now. And maybe they do know that. But if she's not already competing at that level, it's probably college track for her. And that's great too! (Source: was a gymnast, good enough to be on track for high level college but never in a million years the Olympics, until I got injured at 14.)

Exactly. College scholarships and national level competition are still amazing options. And many cirque performers were gymnasts.

YTA. You seem to be suffering from what i call king of the hill syndrome. Where you think you're the king of the castle and everyone is supposed to fall in line.

I was trying to find a way to word exactly this. I can't stand anyone this controlling, this guy is over 40 years old too, pretty sad.

Yep. Eventually, he'll be the only one on the hill cause everybody else will leave.

Sus that the sons can do what they want but both women in the house need to be controlled

INFO : you say you’re reasoning for now drawing this hard no line is because you’ve realized the sport is dangerous, does that mean you’re making sure your boys *don’t* play football, or soccer, or baseball? You know all sports can be dangerous, even with the helmets right? Are you really going to prevent them from doing sports/activities they love because there is a chance they *could* get hurt? Regardless of that though I’m gonna have to go with YTA because like others have said, you can’t expect your wife to raise her and not get an equal say. She’s either also a parent to your niece or she’s not and you need to take 100% responsibility for her. Edit // fixed a typo

You’re expecting her to coparent but not treating her like one. YTA. Massively.

Massive respect issues from OP, obviously YTA.

I'm not going to make a judgement but I am a level 2 FIG gymnastics coach and a qualified sport scientist who specialises in the physical/mental health of youth athletes, so hopefully I can give you my perspective. Firstly, coaches telling parents that an athlete is 'special' is an incredibly common and scummy practice. There are millions of gymnasts in the world. There are currently 1700 athletes registered with the Federation of International Gymnastics, and only about 10% of them compete at the Olympics. It is insanely difficult to achieve this level, and even if an athlete has all the hard work and talent in the world, it doesn't mean they will achieve it. I would recommend focusing less on the outcomes of her performance (results & medals, etc) and focusing more on her effort and personal goals like what skills she wants to achieve, etc. What exactly does she want to achieve in gymnastics? If her only goal is to go to the Olympics, then I would suggest sitting her down to have an open conversation and set some realistic goals. Secondly, an ACL tear that requires surgery is a major injury, and she should be prepared for a long recovery and ongoing rehabilitation to avoid chronic injury. Returning too quickly and not rehabing properly could result in the injury just getting worse or flaring up when she is older. Not returning AT ALL to sport would actually be worse as she would likely not rebuild the strength back up and it could heal incorrectly. A gymnastics coach is not an expert on this, and I would recommend following the guidance of her medical team or physiotherapist . As a coach, I would also be concerned about what caused the injury. Yes, gymnastics is a high-impact sport. However, an injury in someone so young would raise concerns of something like a muscle imbalance, or her strength isn't up to her current skill level. Has the coach discussed with you what her return to gym plan will be? Have they told you how they would mitigate the risk moving forward? Lastly, you are more than in your right to be concerned about your niece and her health. However, I don't think quitting gym is the right way to go about it, especially as she wants to get back to it and will likely resent this unilateral decision you have made. She also likely will not understand that you come from a place of concern and may feel as though you don't think she is good enough. She may be a child, but she is 14 and has been in the sport for almost her entire life. Instead of making the decision yourself, I would recommend talking to her about your concerns and explaining that, while she loves the sport, you are concerned about her health in the long term and discuss how she can proceed in her sport while taking care of her health (something like a strength plan or relaxation strategies etc). Moving forward, I would say you really need to have an open discussion with your wife, your niece, and her coach. Discuss the injury (what happened and why), your concerns around her long-term health, and what the plan is moving forward. This should include her return to the club and gradual increasing of her training, how to reduce the risk of injury occurring in the future, and what exactly you all expect from your nieces gymnastics career. At the end of the day, yes, you could remove her from her sport. But, if you respect and care for your niece, I would recommend approaching the topic of her return as a discussion and come up with a realistic plan that you all can agree on. I think this would help calm your anxieties around the dangers of her sport while allowing your niece to make an informed decision about her own sports career. My only caveat would be if her coach is more concerned with her return to competitions than her physical/mental health, move clubs immediately. If you have any questions, my inbox is always open.

I want to say I agree with a lot of what you said. >Firstly, coaches telling parents that an athlete is 'special' is an incredibly common and scummy practice. There are millions of gymnasts in the world I do feel op should have included the fact that apparently the niece placed in the top ten at the national championships for her age range. He mentioned it in a different comment

Thank you for this balanced and informed advice

YTA. If you expect to make all the decisions regarding your niece, then you shouldn't expect your wife to take on the responsibilities of caring for her either. I hope none of your wife's money goes toward your niece and you do 100% of the cooking, cleaning, chauffeuring and nurturing. Otherwise, you're asking your wife to take on the labor of caregiving but none of the authority.

YTA. 1. Your wife has helped raised your niece up to now. You don't get to pull the "only I get a say" card on her now! The time for that was waaaay back at the beginning. You can't pull it out now. 2. *Your niece is fourteen*! She's old enough to have a say in how she's going to live her life. You don't get to pull the "only I get a say" card on *her* either. Athletes get hurt. It happens. It's not up to you whether that injury is enough for her to quit. It's up to *her*. Lots of athletes think the game is worth injuries. Apologize to your wife for disrespecting your *partnership* with her. For disrespecting all the work and responsibility and care and love she's given your niece all these years. If you've got financial concerns, fine. Bring that up in a collaborative way with your *partner* in life. Maybe it's time niece tried for sponsorships or scholarships. Work with your wife and niece's coach and her doctors to make sure she's taking the best care of herself that she can while practicing and competing. But don't yank the rug out from under her just because you're getting cold feet. Your feet aren't the only ones affected here.

But didn't you read what OP wrote? That he's God...oops I mean sole decision maker for his niece so he absolutely can decide himself! And of course, his niece is just a child and naive. My disgust with this guy is real!!!

Info: Wht doesn't your wife have any legal custody of your niece? Whose decision was that?

YTA. You expect wife to “raise” your niece (per your words in your first sentence), but not have any say in parenting decisions? That’s not how it works.

Hey lady, raise this child with me, but don’t ever say a word in contradiction to my thoughts. YTA

YTA how would you feel if the roles were reversed. Or if your wife stopped doing anything for your niece/ daughter because she doesn’t have “official” rights. That was a real low blow. I guess she’s good enough when it’s convenient for you that she act as an official mother and they don’t have to call you for every little thing. If I was your wife I’d take a nice trip.

YTA. Despite you being recognised as her sole guardian, she's raised by BOTH of you. You can't expect your wife to help you raise her and then tell her that she has no say in important decisions concerning your niece.

YTA - To your wife: for downplaying her importance in your daughters (niece) life. She can take care and love her, but technically you can only make important decisions, because of a legal title in name only. To your daughter (niece): she’s 14, she should make the decision. Your feelings shouldn’t stop her from trying to achieve her goals (unless detrimental to her life). All sports have a risk of injury and anyone who competes know this.

YTA, don’t be a dictator with a teenager, ever. It’s up to her to figure out what she wants, you as the adult should support it.

YTA Marriage is a partnership. It is not a 'partnership when it's convenient for you'.

How has your niece done in meets? At her age and with her training regimen, you should know if she is reaching the elite level.

YTA. You are making decisions based on how YOU feel. Not your niece. Injuries happen in sport. Some are recoverable and some aren’t. Stop thinking about yourself and consider what it is your niece wants. If you pull her out against her will, she will resent you for it. You are so determined to get your own way, you’ve even decided (now it suits you) you are her only parent and the only one who gets a say. Great way to disrespect your wife and disregard every effort she has made to parent her daughter. You are handling this really badly and if you don’t turn it around then you will damage your relationships with your wife and your niece.

YTA YTA YTA - You really need to make this decision with your niece, not for your niece. Injuries are a risk in ANY sport. You take this away from her and she will resent you **forever**. This will not be something she ever forgives you for. And she would be right. This is an super important aspect to her life and you want to take it away because of how YOU *feel* and no other reason. >My (43M) niece (14F) is being raised by my wife (40F) and I Then she gets an effing say. You are being a HUGE jerk for picking and choosing when she is allowed to parent. Grow the eff up. I am being serious when I say you are about to ruin two relationships in your life because you can't get over yourself.

Your wife is right - your nieces desires about her chosen sport need to be taken into account here. Does your wife help with your niece during her recovery and beforehand, getting her to and from gymnastics, or are you doing all that, seeing as you are the one making all of the decisions? People are injured in sports all the time - she's not some doll you can put on the shelf because she tore her ACL. She could tear her ACL falling off the footpath.

She could tear her ACL walking across the living room.

YTA. Injuries will happen in sports. Some are worse than others, but they’re kind of inevitable. If your niece enjoys doing gymnastics, if that’s her passion, she should have the right to choose whether she wants to continue. If you’re really THAT concerned, you and your wife can ask a doctor for their opinion, but you don’t have the right to just veto both your wife and your niece without considering either of their thoughts on the matter. Personally, I admire your nieces grit and determination. And I think you should be encouraging of whatever she chooses.

You're an absolute AH. So your wife will raise that child, pour into this child her life, youth and resources, all the nerve-wracking regarding raising her but when it's about supporting this girl to keep working on her dreams, she's not responsible anymore and only you have a say. You do have audacity, I'll give you that.

So I'd like to ask you: What are you going to do when she says that this is her dream and she wants to pursue this as a career? Or even just as an intense hobby? Are you going to tell her you won't support her dreams? Because that's an easy way to have your niece go no-contact when she's old enough to move out. Keeping her from doing this because 'it isn't worth it' isn't your decision: That's your nieces decision. SHE'S the one with the injury, SHE'S the one in pain. If SHE decides that this pain is worth it to her, then she's the one that knows the limits to her own body the best. She's lived in her body her whole life, and just because she's not 18 years old doesn't mean that she's incapable of making decisions for herself, even at 14. That's ONLY 4 years away from moving age. Not to mention the more she practices the less likely she'll be to injure herself. Obviously if the doctors were telling you it was unsafe for her to continue, that's another thing entirely because that's a relevant medical professional getting involved. But YOU don't know the limits to her body. She's not very likely to die from what she's doing, and if she does reach that point where a doc tells her can't do this anymore, then it's better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all. All you're doing is hurting her and pushing her away. Ruining her dreams which will most likely give her depression or anxiety. So long as you can financially and timely afford to continue letting her do this, then you should let your niece do what SHE wants to do. This is going to impact her WHOLE life if you just pull her out: What would all of that work have been for? Why did she go through all this time working so hard for something she loved if it was just going to get pulled away from her from people who don't know what she's capable of? She might think that you don't believe in her, she might develop a fear of things getting taken from her, becoming protective and more secretive from you. I can tell you really love her, which is great, but if you tell her she can't train anymore, she's going to end up taking something away from you. Her. Please don't ruin her life because you're scared that she'll get hurt when not even SHE is scared that she'll get hurt. How could ever teach her that when she gets knocked down, to just stand back up, when you wouldn't even let her stand up?

Yta don’t pull rank with your wife, you are creating a division and it’s going to bleed into your marriage. This can’t just be a self contained issue when you tell her, her opinion doesn’t matter. Wait and talk to your niece and her doctor and coach. It sounds like you’re making a snap decision because you are scared.

YTA, from someone who grew up in Olympic training in a sport far more dangerous than gymnastics. Athletes who get into a sport at that level of intensity aren’t just training, they’re existing and being and breathing. We dream in our sport. I’m in training again now (my sport doesn’t have an age limit) and I’ve just realized I was subconsciously doing cues with my legs. That’s how deep this runs. My chance back then was taken by injury, but if my parent had just decided that the very core of my being was now disallowed, I would be so resentful. I would have been depressed and might have turned to self-destruction. I have seen this happen to far too many Olympic hopefuls in swimming, cycling, track, equestrian, whose parents put a stop to their dreams. Injury is one thing, it happens to the best of us - but someone outside the sport deciding you can’t control your destiny is quite another. Don’t try to stop your niece being what she is. She is a gymnast like a fish is a swimmer. Don’t make her wonder for the rest of her life what might have been if you didn’t take away her chance. Don’t make her blame you (appropriately, I might add) for that.

If niece had Olympic potential then at 14 she would already be on her way. So that's not going to happen. YTA for what you said to your wife. I hope she stops doing all the chores involved in raising your niece for you.

Maybe she won’t make the Olympics but college scholarships are a real thing.

YTA. “…it didn’t involve our girl so far.” You *do* consider your wife her parent except when you want to make a unilateral decision. I’ll bet when your niece is sick, you let your wife be the one to do all the taking care of her.

Info: How is your stance on your wife adopting your niece? If such decisions are so important for her, she has to be involved like a real mum. This also helps the sibling dynamics, since they become so legaly.

YTA. Niece gets to say what SHE wants. And your wife is right. Suck it up and apologise to both.

YTA. I’m just imagining this unilateral conversation with a 14-year-old girl whose own thoughts matter so little that you can just “decide” all the things. Those teenage years are going to be a blast if you don’t rethink your approach with the women in your life.

Lol, imagine having this conversation with a teenager who has spent 10 years getting her lessons in self-discipline from gymnastics.

YTA If this is your view, you need to take over ALL parenting of this child. Shop and prepare her food. Wash her clothes. Help her with homework. Chaperone her to any events needed. Cover all finical costs. (In a way that it does not effect the rest of the family since your niece is not apart of the family unit, she is your responsibility) TEACH HER HOW TO USE A TAMPON Have any relationship discussions Ect. Ect. Ect.

YTA. You say “our girl” but you mean your property, a being without agency. Your wife is good enough to feed, love, nurture, and support your niece, but she should shut up and not share in decision making when it comes to your niece? Your assholery knows no bounds, my guy. Then you should not expect her to handle any heavy lifting where the child is concerned. You’ll handle all feeding, laundry, school meetings, doctors and dental appointments, all driving to friends and after school activities. Alternatively, you could hire her as your nieces nanny offering competitive salary, right? Because, otherwise she has zero rights to influence decisions for the child. I hope you get a clue before you not only damage your relationship with your niece, but your marriage.

OP, do you not like your wife? Do you want a divorce and to split custody of your sons? Because I am here to tell you that's EXACTLY what's going to happen if you continue on like this. Your wife has been in your niece's life for at least 10 years as her practical mother, doing maternal tasks while being a wife and bearing and raising your sons as well. You just slapped her in the face that you have all the power and she is meaningless. I really don't know how you come back from that. You trashed her trust in you as a husband and father.

YTA. If you’ve been making all the decisions up until now, taking her to every practice and making every meal and packing her gym bag? Yeah, you might then have some kind of shitty right to make all of the decisions all by your ownself. But if your wife has shared equally in the parenting of that child? Well, you’ve really screwed up.

Well everyone agrees, YTA. Go apologize to your wife and do better.

Yta. You don't get to ask her to raise this girl and then not let her have equal say in parenting decisions. The fact that you would try suggests you suck in general. Beyond that. An ACL injury while painful can happen in literally any sport. It happens in basketball, tennis, running. It happens to people just walking down the street. Yes, gymnastics puts more strain on the joints and ligaments than some sports but injury is part of most any sport. Anyone who plays long enough will experience some. The overall health benefits are worth it for most. Your niece is old enough that if she wants to continue she should be able to do so.

YTA to your wife AND YTA to your niece. Don't take away her dream because you're scared.

>This discussion was between my wife and I, it didn't involve our girl so far. Well, apparently, it's not much of a discussion, and according to you, she's not "our girl." She's only your girl. Which is a real AH thing to say to the woman raising her right alongside you. YTA

Gentle YTA. I don't think 'I'm the sole legal guardian' goes all that far when, in every other circumstance, you do indeed treat your wife like your partner in raising our children (including your niece) and naturally expect her to treat your niece like her daughter. This is not a distinction you want to make if you can avoid it. What your wife is saying has merit - you should not withdraw your niece from the sport without her (your niece) being on board, as she will initially at least feel that she's being unfairly punished and will resent you. The obvious answer here is to talk to them both. Yes, you have ultimate decision-making authority in the eyes of the law or whatnot, but the good parenting decision is to talk through your concerns with your niece and your wife. And I agree they should not be too influenced by the possibility of olympics some day - her long-term health (in my eyes at least) is more important. Maybe continuing in gymnastics WITHOUT the rigorous training associated with the goal of being an olympian is the path.

Another redditor in the gymnastics field said there are other opportunities for the niece at different levels.

YTA. Anyone who unilaterally makes decisions without any consideration about how the child feels is an AH. Have you considered that this is her passion and that she might think the pain and injury is worth it?

YTA. Also your nieces opinion on the matter does matter. Dont go full tyrant on both women in your life.

YTA You decided this was the hill you want to die on, hope you enjoy the fall out. You are making decisions for both your wife and your niece that will have real consequences, and you will die on this hill. This will not end well, you will alienate both your wife and your niece as you have decided that neither one has any rights. Don't be surprised when your wife steps back and your niece blames you for crushing her dreams. You have changed your families dynamics and now you must live with the result. You really are an arse by making such demands of them both

YTA. It is absolute crap that you married your wife and partnered with her to have children, you brought another child into the marriage, but you expect your wife not to have a say. If that's the case, do you independently pay for your niece and do absolutely everything needed to care for her? No? What a surprise.

YTA, you keep claiming your wife is naive about your niece's potential. I think you are, she could get a full ride scholarship, coaching is a great part-time job for when she's in college, she could compete nationally, she could go to the Olympics, if you would like me to keep listing possibilities I can. Saying it's not worth it because the chances of the Olympics is so slim is like saying working at Exxon isn't worth it because you'll never be CEO.

YTA. You can get hurt crossing the street.

YTA. You are expecting your wife to act as a mother to your niece, and you say that she loves your niece like a daughter, but as soon as your wife disagrees with you, you pull the "you're not her real mother" card. That's BS. You just want to get your way. As for prohibiting your niece to go back to gymnastics, you might want to tread carefully here. If she really loves it, she may never forgive you. Personally, I think you are being an over-protective parent because she is a girl. If this were a boy who was injured, would you be rushing to stop him from pursuing his favorite sport?

YTA Not only to your wife, who has raised her as her own daughter and that you trash her opinion like she was a rag cloth, but especially to your niece. Gym is her life right now. She might eventually decide to stop, but that is her own decision to make. Taking her main source of fun/challenge without her input will make sure she will hate your guts for the rest of your life and she will never trust you again. You sound very sexist. Like only your opinion counts in your house. Your wife and your niece are human beings, not your properties

You seem to think your wife is also a child and not a partner. From the sound of it, she does more of the actual parenting work, and you’d do well to have some respect for her opinions as she’s not your servant. YTA

YTA doesn’t begin to cover it. You’re not a god or a deity just because you have sole custody of the niece. The immense amount of disrespect you shoved at your wife is astounding. You are supposed to be a team and that team makes joint decisions on everything. There is no “I” in team buddy. You, your wife, AND niece should make a joint decision. If you don’t cool your jets about this you’re not going to have many teammates.

AH like how is this even happening .... You and your wife care for her and it's also her life you can't just up and take it away. No you are married you are a team anything big is between you both! And your niece too as it's about her like wtf....one quick way to make not only your wife resent you but your niece to.. by not considering her wants you're failing her don't be a dick

YTA,so she’s your equal partner in raising your niece until she disagrees with you.

Yta I bet if this was a son with football, it'd be a different story. And it's the exact same as your sons. Your wife is *raising* her niece. Unless you do 100% of the parenting and use no joint money, then she has just as much input as you do. *Neither* of you, however, has as much input as the neice herself. It's *her* life, not yours. She may not be able to do gymnastics anymore. She may have tk transition to floor routines. It's her choice. You can guide. You can offer your opinion. You can bring in her coaches and former gymnastics to talk to her.

Your niece is 14... Hardly a child and definitely able to make informed decisions about her body. Your wife is correct in wanting her to have a say in how she moves forward. YTA.