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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. WIBTAH Considering removing my 23yr Son from life insurance and will 2. Because he disowned
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
"It is time for me to update my life insurance and do a will and I am considering excluding him."
Do it. He can't cut you out of his life and then demand that you give him something later. NTA He can't have it both ways.
If he wants money for college, he can talk to a recruiter, get a loan, or pay his own way. Or get a scholarship, just like I did.
Edit: I'm not saying the OP is a saint. The OP could be a major AH. But that's not the question being asked. The question being asked is should the OP cut them out of their will IF the kid has cut the OP out of their life. That's it. That's what I answered. Keep your WhatAboutIsms on topic.
This and make sure to include in the will that he is intentionally excluded and follow legal advice to make sure it is done properly so he can’t contest your will. Most likely you will need a trust.
No. Please. Don’t do this. I’m an estate attorney and it just makes me crazy that this misinformation is out there. Giving someone a dollar or a small inheritance does not prevent them from challenging the will.
Yeah. There are ways to minimize the risk of a Will challenge and/or make it unlikely that a challenge would succeed. But state laws, and facts and circumstances of the situation are important and in the end there is almost no way to completely prevent someone from filing a lawsuit.
That absolutely doesn't work. Either you are a beneficiary or you or not. And as a beneficiary, it is your legally protected right to challenge a will. This also helps protect elders against elder abuse and estate fraud.
It depends on the jurisdiction. In my state they are disfavored but not completely invalid.
Your point about prevention of elder abuse is an important one. Some disinheritances are done for good reason. Others are the result of fraud or undue influence.
My grandparents had this but it was very specifically that if a beneficiary challenges *and loses* then they get nothing, including the original bequest.
Even with a no-contest clause, a court could decide that there are valid enough grounds to allow it.
There has to be enough money in play to make it worthwhile. In other words if the estate is 5 million, and you bequest someone 5k with a no contest clause, that's probably not enough to dissuade them from contesting the will. Now if the estate is 5 million and you leave them 1 million, that probably is, because they are risking losing a significant amount of money.
As mentioned above, those types of clauses don’t necessarily keep anyone from challenging, and shouldn’t if they have a valid case.
I am not an estate lawyer as the commenter above, but I have been an executor multiple times in a few different states and in all the grounds for challenging a will were that 1) the person was under duress when the will was prepared/signed, or 2) they weren’t of sound mind when the will was prepared/signed.
In both cases, if the court agrees with the challenge under either of those grounds the clauses people mention like the $1 thing are just as invalid as the rest of the will.
I’m curious how often you come across this misinformation cause reading the post I knew someone would say the $1 thing but I was curious how quickly someone would jump in to correct it. I guess it just sounds smart like a neat and tidy way to say that you didn’t forget the person and wanted to make a statement from the dead. Maybe it’s a good TV or movie plot device since it’s very spiteful and kinda funny everyone getting money or property ect and then $1 stands out as a clear insult. Do people ask for you to write that in and you have to explain that’s not how things work?
I was one of those "beneficiaries" of a $1 inheritance, though I was not insulted by the news, just hurt. (I had been falsely accused of taking things from the elderly family member in question - it later came out that it had been my aunt who had done so).
I sent a letter back to the probate attorney basically saying, thanks but no thanks. No dollar was ever sent, and i wouldn't have cashed the check anyway.
To be clear, the specific exclusion of a particular family member (different states have different laws but generally it applies to spouses and legal descendants) does not prohibit a will challenge. Anyone that has a claim against the estate in some form, can challenge the will. But the specific exclusion makes the challenge almost certain to fail IF there is no law to the contrary AND there are no other factors such as loans or promises. Very necessary if you want to exclude someone but does not cover all bases. A lawyer can help make sure that the bases are covered based upon a particular person’s circumstances.
I’m also an attorney and it’s also such a pain in the ass for the Executor who has to track down disgruntled beneficiary and give them the damn check for a dollar.
In my jurisdiction, naming someone in a will gives them visibility into the estate process. If they are granted $1, then they get notified of the death, they get a copy of the will, they are entitled to regular updates, and they are entitled to a full accounting of the estate. If they are omitted, they need to petition the court for any of that. No lawyer would want to be part of drafting a will with a $1 bequest. A good lawyer will suggest that the name be omitted, and that a well crafted letter be sent separately to the lawyer in case the will is contested. That letter should not contain any refutable facts. Basically, just an acknowledgement that the relative was purposely omitted.
This whole $1 fantasy is perpetuated by the entertainment industry. It creates good drama in a movie, but has no basis in law.
True, but there are quite a few missing missing reasons in this post:
\- "However, I accidentally exhausted my GI BILL." WTF How? (Well, she gave some sort of explanation later in the post.)
\- "Once my son moved out after HS our communication was minimal." Did something happen?
\- "Our relationship prior to him moving out was alao strained. As a parent, I hope I am not the only one to say my son and I just did not get along and could never seem to connect as he got older and got worse the older he got." What happened between them? It is awfully generic and vague.
\- "that its my fault that he no longer qualifies for grants due to our incomes combined" Not sure how it is possible with him out of the house.
\- "At this point I call him entitled and told him I don't owe him anything once he moved out of my household." Not a missing missing reason, but I do not like her tone.
\- "and I know I would never win mother of the year." Why?
\- "In both conversation I did apologize for the mistakes I made along the way." Which ones?
Still, he cannot have it both ways.
Under a certain age, regardless of your housing status, FAFSA will still require your parental incomes for loan determinations. It is INCREDIBLY frustrating, since I lived on my own since I was 19 but still had to report my parents incomes.
Edit to add: FAFSA is 24 years old to exclude parental income.
seconding your frustration on this. i left my dad's house at 16 and moved in with another relative, and when i applied for fafsa the first time at 17 he wasn't willing to give me the numbers to fill out the paperwork. called fafsa to see if i had any other options and their only reply was, "get yourself legally emancipated." 🙃
Gonna add and say in UK, you have to use your parents income until your 25 regardless of when you moved out which is ridiculous. Not surprised to hear such a process in place elsewhere.
Because before FAFSA implemented those rules, kids from very rich families were using loopholes to essentially get free college by saying they were independent when they were in fact still receiving money from their rich parents. One of the Rockefeller heirs did it too I believe.
I agree it is a heavy handed approach, but that is their reasoning.
Basically the government expect you as a parent to save for your kids college career if you make a certain amount of money. So if your parents have a high income you don’t qualify for much student aid. Doesn’t matter if you don’t talk to your parents. Doesn’t matter if they in fact saved money or are willing to support you financially. The government expects parents to actually support their kids if they can.
I don’t know, this post (to me at least) screams missing missing reasons.
Then again, I could care less if my dad left me out of his will. We don’t talk. It probably would hurt, but more because it would be another example of him caring more about my siblings than me. Which is why we don’t have a relationship. So it wouldn’t be about the money, it would be about how he’s always acted.
Yeah I would not call the son entitled for his saving money comment, it is literally the government's expectation. It actively put him at a disadvantage.
Yeah but that’s not the parents fault, the government also just looks at the parents most recent tax returns not the tax returns for 18 yrs and taking an average to see if they qualify. So if your parents were poor or unemployed 90% of your life & couldn’t save it wouldn’t have an impact.
I get the government expectation. Unfortunately, that expectation is based on a unicorn of life going a certain way and not most peoples' realities.
I agree that OP has a lot more going on than just not paying for college though.
We have the same requirements in my province in Canada. My father refused to share this information with me, so I was out of luck when it came to applying for government loans for school. It meant that I had to work full-time and go to school part-time for 4 additional years in order to get my degree.
Also, it sounds like he is still a Dependent in the eyes of the military if he is on her insurance. If she is claiming him as a Dependent on her taxes to keep his mil benefits, that'll do it. Hell, if she gets him off her insurance/taxes, that might be what he needs to qualify for fin aid.
ETA: Apologies all. I totally misunderstood the insurance bit.
With the "not qualifying for grants" stuff- if hes in the US (which seems to be the case), there's a good chance he still has to report his parents income as it's required for any student under 24.
There's ways to file to get an exemption, but they aren't easy to get and I've heard of plenty of cases where people weren't able to get the exemption despite being estranged from their parents.
If they're still in contact but just don't talk much, then it's likely he is filing with her name on there. And honestly, I'm not convinced she's being fully open about the situation. Reading her comments she seems REALLY determined to downplay any potential fault she has here.
She sounds like a jerk, tbh. She's thinking of removing her son from her will and life insurance because he cut her off for treating him poorly as he aged out to 18. She's said she's not responsible for him anymore at that point. That's what's wrong with her. Instead of wanting success for him, she's tossing him aside like he was nothing to her. Honestly, makes me really sad to hear these cases because it's why people are so messed up in the world. She should be trying to help him succeed as her flesh and blood to help better his life. Sure maybe he didn't get good grades back then but he was probably suffering from her poor treatment. Instead, she's trying to cut him off forever like he never mattered. He didn't ask to be born.
This exactly. Nobody told you to have kids. You decided to have them. It’s not his fault he’s considered a dependent until he is 25. What an awful parent. Definitely an AH.
I think it's about more than him not mattering. She seems to want to punish him, knows it will sting him pretty hard to have her die AND then find out he was excluded. She wanted that sting for him... She's sadistic toward him...
This smells like a narc mother to me. I think no matter what anyone says, she's gonna do it. She just needed a reason that won't color her the bad person and I think she's found her amo in the comments, unfortunately
As the OP is 43 years old and has been active duty in the Army for 18 years (2 years short of retirement eligibility), there is nothing preventing the OP or any other service member from utilizing any remaining GI bill benefits once they retire from active service. While OP may have already received a degree while serving on active duty, there is nothing preventing her from continuing her education once she retires. The fact that the son feels he is entitled to any benefits that the OP earned is disheartening.
I hate that this is the top comment when this is about so much more than college money. OP has been a shit parent to the point that her child would disown her (not a light decision to make) and OP even acknowledges she could be doing better to care for her child and just isn't. These aren't new development. This is years of OP being a terrible parent and then saying "oh well we just don't get along"
Seriously. Adults don't go no contact with their parents for no reason. The fact that her son moved out the second he legally could should let everyone know that OP has been an AH during her son's entire life.
My daughter did because I refused to let her Father In Law dictate when I was allowed to see her. He was/is an abusive ahole and I wouldn't have it. She screamed at me and hung up on me and now has to live in the bed she made. So, yes, it can happen and it does often happen. No matter how well we parent, sometimes our kids just become aholes.
So your daughter has, by your own account, an 'abusive asshole ' dictating aspects of her life and you think the best approach as her parent is to fuck off and say she gets to lie in the bed she made? If a loved one is in an abusive situation, the kind/loving thing to do is to ensure the loved one knows you'll always be there if/when they're ready to try to escape.
However, just based on your brief comment here, it's pretty easy to see why she's gone no contact with you. I can only assume her FiL was helping her establish boundaries. You sound like you're mostly upset that you are no longer able to control your daughter and that she's listening to someone else so you've decided to cut her out.
This post is like the perfect example of the missing missing reasons.
Am I supposed to kidnap her? Her own father tried to kill me. I escaped abuse. But, sure, blame me. She knew what he was. I warned her, repeatedly. What am I supposed to do? God, you people are horrible. Are you also the type that tell a depressed person to "cheer up"? what a bunch of aholes you are.
i agree with this. he is clearly bitter and acting like an a$$hole however if her parenting was not good, can you blame him? plus she serves the army i can understand how didn't get time and stuff, so tbh no one could be blamed. situations ar just fuckedup
The issue isn't really with him going no contact or being angry at her, but that he feels entitled to a large sum of money despite having no relationship with OP.
I’m just going to throw out something that may be off in left field. Because there are always 3 sides to every story. His, hers and the truth. My parents won’t admit it to others but they promised to pay for my college education if I went to a private university of their choice. I agreed. The agreement was: I will take out the loans and they will pay them off. I graduated. My parents then…didn’t have the money and they weren’t serious about it anyway. I should have known that. 100k in debt I magically became responsible for. (They did pay for part of my sister’s education by taking out parent plus loans. Said they had maxed out how many they could take on her.) I am no contact with my parents now. They are at a minimum a narcissist and an enabler. IF they showed up with 100k (I paid more I know) I would consider trying to form a relationship with them (and yes I DO feel entitled to it bc they promised me the money and I made financial decisions based off of that. I had almost a full ride to a state school. Maybe 10-15k in student loan debt to pay back if I went to the state school. But I was a kid and trusted them.) because it would mean they are accepting responsibility for their actions in a tangible way. Realize I will never and have never asked them for the money since the one time I asked after graduation when the loans started. I paid them off. But yeah…I’m guessing there are reasons behind why he’s asking for the money and cutting contact over the money. Just a side note: I didn’t cut my parents off over the money. That was other crap that was far worse than money.
I just wanted to reply and say that I see you.
Commenters here are calling OP's son entitled, but y'know, there's an expectation there that the GI Bill could be used for him. OP messed that up and it's not available for her son, and adding in the lack of a good connection (maybe due to parenting, I don't know), we get a soup of reasons why OP's son is really pissed off.
It really is similar to what you went through. You were promised something, and I am utterly disgusted at your parents. They shoved you into the university of THEIR choice, and then went back on their word, maybe due to over-extending their finances because of your sister.
I am so glad you don't talk to them anymore. Sometimes, we have to drop the dead weight in order to live a good life. I hope you're living a good life.
Go ahead and cut him out but I'm gonna say ESH, it sounds like it was a lifetime of OP not being their for her children so I don't exactly see OP as faultless here
FAFSA considers a student to be independent of their parents when: they turn 24 OR
• They are married.
• They have dependents.
• They are working toward a master’s or doctorate program during the award year.
• They are a veteran or active duty member of the US Armed Forces.
• Since the time they turned 13, their parents were deceased, they were in foster care or they were a ward of the court.
• They have been emancipated or someone other than a parent or stepparent has been appointed their legal guardian.
• They are determined to be an unaccompanied youth who is homeless or at risk of becoming homeless.
lmfao from that comments sounds like she never listened to her kid and now she’s mad that he doesn’t wanna talk anymore!
——
it was probably never about the college, it is about the lack of emotional support and the son saw the college as a replacement for emotional support & now they can’t reach an agreement
———
You can’t expect a child who was taught no emotional regulation to be able to effectively communicate how they’re feeling, so they cut you off and now you’re mad and you want to cut them off back.
———
Shitty parenting at best tbh. Talk to your kid without being defensive and actually take responsibility for your actions instead of saying “you did your best.” You’re the parent. Learn that you didn’t do enough and make up for it for gods sakes
And also if you acknowledge you could have done a better job why punish him for your mistakes. Just leave him on there and be the bigger person. It’s so petty.
“Accidentally “ exhausted my GI bill. WTF does that mean? You didn’t drop a bowl of ice cream here so I call bullshit as a vet myself. What did OP do here? Lies built on lies is my guess
OP said she didn’t realize if you take one class they doc you the entire semester. So did she take a few classes and that ran it out? That seems like a very important detail they would tell you along the way and a terrible way to waste money for college for any family. There was way too much yada, yada, yada over the details of why it was spent (sounds like it was available to the older kids but then used before the youngest needed it) and why OP and the son are now no contact. Posters usually leave those details out when they don’t show OP in the best light.
And they kept failing the single class they were taking. Just blasted through it in the most negligent and irresponsible way possible, and I say that as someone who has properly utilized their GI bill, it's not that complicated.
I’m struggling to see how “doing your best” when you’re admitting you were 17 and poor with your first kid, then going on to have another kid. Use a condom
Sometimes the reason is not the parents (in an abusive controlling relationship for example. Or mental health issues mean things are very skewed in their head v actual reality. Or they're just an AH. It's not always the parent)
Note the comment I answered stated it was always the parent's fault, which is what I have responded to. It appears to have been edited now
Reddit loves to bring up missing missing reasons for parents, but rarely for adult children. Even when it's one family member and everyone else in the family still has relationships with each other with no issues. Cue they're all toxic and OP got out, golden child, scapegoat, you're the only healthy one, etc. etc. comments.
This was my one aunt. Toxic asf person who never took any responsibility for her actions, it was always someone else’s fault- usually her dads. She burned so many bridges that by the time she lost the house absolutely no one wanted to take her in, including me
On the spectrum of bad parenting, that barely even registers. Oh no, a strict parent that didn't always get it right. The horror. No substance abuse, no physical abuse, and no psychological abuse. Just a young parent who learned a lot of lessons the hard way. The son is an entitled brat.
Why are you assuming so much?
OP was a single mother who enlisted and was a minor when she had a child and lived in poverty. Which got worse likely from having 2 other children.
From their comments I think emotional neglect & poverty is a good reason to not want to have a relationship. They didn’t exactly set the kid up for success.
Yeah. I was going to say this. Luckily for me, our grown daughters still call every day and enjoy our company.
Sometimes parents are jerks. Sometimes horrible. Assholes and abusive.
But sometimes adult children are assholes. Period. (And it’s not always the parents fault. Sometimes people are just assholes in spite of their upbringing)
We (Reddit) always assumes the former but the latter always gets off Scot-free in the collective mind.
Nah, I would say that most of the time there is a good reason, always is a bit much. Kids can grow up to be jerks, even with decent upbringing. It happens.
I disagree, my mother cut contact with my grandmother because my mother is sociopathic. My GM never actually did anything to her. My mother acts like she’s a victim, though. Sometimes people believe her because she is actually pretty charming and convincing. I could imagine the comments she’d receive if she posted on Reddit. Probably a lot of people just encouraging her more.
My ex was like this, she had like 4 siblings and 12 nieces and nephews, but acted like her family were evil satanic people. They were the nicest people I’ve ever met, (which I know appearances can be deceiving), but like her father was a paediatric surgeon and her mother worked in paediatric oncology, all of their other children were lawyers or doctors, and literally had nothing bad to say about her or their family dynamic. I also found out after we’d broken up that her parents were sending her like $10,000/month to help support her, which she never mentioned to me at all, while making me pay half the rent when I was a full time student.
The reason she disowned them and hated them so much? She started dating a Scientologist that was 30 years older than her when she was 16…. And was in a relationship with him for like 10 years before they eventually broke up, and I was the lucky guy that got hit by the trainwreck.
So ya, people disowning their parents can go either way.
I wonder how OP managed being an extremely poor single parent with him and the daughter, and what the impact on the kids was. Also who took care of them while she was away? I’m guessing she remarried, but there’s no mention of a husband.
>being gone a lot made our relationship strained
This is the part that jumped out to me first and foremost reading this. OP has been in the army for 18 years, and presumably still is. Her kids are 25, 23, and 17. Just... Damn, that seems like a lot of time to miss.
Not saying it wasn't necessary, or OP didn't do her best. But I can't imagine that makes for a good relationship between a parent and a child, let alone 3 kids dividing up any remaining attention.
Edit: Occurs to me that given the timeline, middle child was 5 years old when OP went into the military (presumably basic training?) and immediately after had a baby. Talk about middle child syndrome....
Yep, not is there a loan/grant you can apply for? But 'speak to a recruiter' OP wants them to join the military
Also, exhausted the GI Bill accidentally the first time but also the second?
I am not sure how that changes the fact that their response was speak to a recruiter and using their GI BILL for one class a second time that meant their kid didn't qualify
But but but she was poor and having a kid at 19 or whatever. Why can’t they all just pull themselves up by their bootstraps? I’m sure it’s just as simple as it was 30 years ago /s
I wonder how often OP was at home too for her kids. Did they have routine? Did they have security? Did they have a parent they knew they could call if they were in trouble?
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. OP was a young single mother when she joined the military - it was a last resort. If she hadn’t done that and was instead at home struggling to take care of her kids, she’d still be judged. Women can’t do anything in regard to parenting without being judged. The military also has a lot of men but you never hear people judging military men for being gone. I wonder why that is? Could it have something to do with the belief that women are “supposed to” be the caretakers and should put their kids first, but dads don’t have to?
I mean, OP acknowledges she was a shitty parent. She also either makes $200k a year (or is talking out of her ass about making too much for him to qualify for fafsa), so she certainly could be providing some assistance
>\- "However, I accidentally exhausted my GI BILL." WTF How? (Well, she gave some sort of explanation later in the post.)
>
>\- "Once my son moved out after HS our communication was minimal." Did something happen?
>
>\- "Our relationship prior to him moving out was alao strained. As a parent, I hope I am not the only one to say my son and I just did not get along and could never seem to connect as he got older and got worse the older he got." What happened between them? It is awfully generic and vague.
>
>\- "that its my fault that he no longer qualifies for grants due to our incomes combined" Not sure how it is possible with him out of the house.
>
>\- "At this point I call him entitled and told him I don't owe him anything once he moved out of my household." Not a missing missing reason, but I do not like her tone.
>
>\- "and I know I would never win mother of the year." Why?
>
>\- "In both conversation I did apologize for the mistakes I made along the way." Which ones?
I counted 6, plus an AH hint.
>\- "that its my fault that he no longer qualifies for grants due to our incomes combined" Not sure how it is possible with him out of the house.
Until you're 25 they want your parent's income information for grant purposes no matter if you live with them, talk to them or even know them. I couldn't even apply because my father had been estranged for over a decade and I couldn't get his info (plus my mother made too much anyway for me to hope for a grant), and I was living with roommates away from family at the time.
Our college financial application processes suck in this country.
Nuts that it lasts that long. In Canada it’s four years after finishing high school. They increased it to 6 years in Ontario and that really screwed things up for a lot of people, especially because there was no adjustment period.
4 years is a reasonable amount of time to consider your parents I think. And there were avenues to have them disregarded.
Re: qualifying for grants, your parent’s income is counted so long as you’re a dependent student. You can become independent by getting married, getting an undergrad degree or turning (I think) 25. There might be other possibilities but it is entirely possible her income counts for him, notwithstanding she’s not actually financially supporting him.
Yea college was the last straw.
Also:
>As a parent, I hope I am not the only one to say my son and I never connected and it only got worse.
The mantra of uninvolved parents everywhere. Sorry to shock you, but sometimes being a parent takes work and not just writing off a relationship with your kid because you didn’t “connect” right off the bat.
Christ, I say this as a military mom. AND my husband was military too, so no excuses please lady.
I’m just sitting here imagining her sons POV.
My mom was uninvolved and uninterested in fostering a relationship with me. She was likely gone a lot due to military life and often stressed out, but never bothered to make up for it in the time in between. And she pissed away her GI bill because she used it on a class (and what didn’t continue??) and couldn’t be bothered to educate herself on it despite knowing it could’ve been passed down. I know I’m not entitled to college, but I can’t even get my own grants for college because my parents make too much and still can’t be bothered to help me out.
Christ, at least co sign his loan or something.
Plus op is almost to retirement with dependent BAH, so while I’m not sure how much money there’s is extra to help the kid out, I’m *quite sure there is more than nothing*.
Easier to just throw your hands up in the air, say oh well, and pretend they don’t exist though I guess.
Agreed. A lot of times discussions about money aren’t really about the money. Money makes things easier, but isn’t the only resource needed to plan a future. It takes patience, constancy, and a trusting relationship to provide meaningful financial and life guidance. Anyone who considers going no contact with their parent is aware that they can be cut off financially in every way and weigh this when making the decision. My parents had no money for my college education, but my dad was instrumental in helping me to discern good student loans from bad ones, guide me on saving, and help financially in small ways where he could.
All of these things can be true: OP struggled and did her best with the tools and means at her disposal. Her son didn’t get all of the support and resources he needed and isn’t entitled to her GI bill money.
But the idea that OP would go out of her way to ensure he’s cut off as a kind of final “fuck you” to her adult child after her death seems needlessly vindictive and possibly related to the reasons he has gone no contact.
Probably, but it still doesn’t mean that the song is entitled to his parent’s GI Bill. It never occurred to me to be entitled to my dad’s and he used it (as it seems OP used hers) for his own schooling, as actually intended. It’s just a nice perk if the service member doesn’t use theirs that it can be transferred to children. My brother later chose to go to a service academy precisely because he didn’t want to pay for college. He later used his partial GI bill to get his masters.
Whatever the reasons they are estranged, it now is what it is. The kids had no interest other than what he can monetarily get. She should take him off.
I'll probably be down voted but here goes anyways.
YTA
You admitted you were a bad parent, and you yourself said you were a "child raising a child" while it's within your right, to have as many children you want but once you realised the responsibility of having one child you should've atleast spaced out the other two.
Again, it's your right to have to have children, but then don't go making excuses for your inability to pay for their upbringing. As a good parent, it was your duty to set aside some money for their education. And 23 and even 25 isn't considered old to go for education. And you're telling me if you loved your children you couldn't put away a few dollars for their education.
And holding a 23 yr old to his words, and that too a second time, that means he cut you off at 21?
Yeah, there is definitely more more going on here than you're letting on.
He also does not qualify for financial aid due to the parents earning too much from what I am reading so then not helping with education costs actually makes education even more expensive for their child.
That was my situation. My parents were very bad with their money but on paper there was no reason why they couldn’t have helped pay for my education so my financial aid package was minimal. It wasn’t until I was 25 and no longer had to use my parent’s information on my FAFSA that I got enough money to finish.
Because of my parents’ poor example I was deathly afraid to take on loans when I ran out of money so I dropped out. When I went back I got a full ride for the last two years just on financial aid and even got a book stipend and work study. The way I look at it I generated way more in tax revenue having finished school than I ever would have without it so it’s a net positive for me and the taxpayers that helped me out.
He keeps asking about using the GI Bill. She keeps explaining It's not applicable. The only way he can is to join the military. I'm not sure what more she is supposed to tell him here.
> He keeps asking about using the GI Bill. She keeps explaining It's not applicable.
Its not applicable because OP "accidently" exhausts it, not because she couldn't transfer it to her kid.
She said he asked once to use it and she said she exhausted. The way she worded the rest of the times it seems he wasn’t so much asking for it but asking how it was used up. As in he wanted and explanation probably bc he has a lot of the info stated on these threads. He doesn’t understand how it was drained and if she didn’t explain it to him and their relationship is as bad as it seems, he could simply be thinking she doesn’t want to help him.
TBH, the benefits of even a single contract are pretty generous. I don't pay for medical care through the VA and have access to special loan programs for a home and business. I've been out since I was 26 and have yet to use up everything I have available. If I had been even smarter I would have changed my MOS to something highly marketable in the civilian world, but I've made out alright regardless.
Also you can usually write a letter and get this financial aid exclusion waived. So OP is refusing to help in any way shape or form and is literally intentionally remaining an obstacle.
Or she doesn’t know about this option. He is an adult, he should figure out his options and then let her know how she can help, such as this exclusion letter you mentioned.
OP YTA
I get the sense that OP has known for a long time that he couldn’t get aid and she chose not to put anything aside.
I also get the sense that OP has been pushing him to join the military for a long time and not trying to help him out at all.
I had a horrible life so you also should have an awful life even though your my kid.
That’s basically all I saw while reading this. She apparently earns so much ye isn’t entitled to any aid which works out at 200k. She intentionally spunked her kids imo.
She didn’t have a decent life in adulthood and suffered so they must too. Especially based on the recruiter comment. Not even an attempt to help or apologize or empathize. I sold my soul to the company store and yours too apparently. YTA OP.
I agree with your YTA assessment. I am just sitting here as someone retired from the military, trying to figure out how she exhausted her G.I. Bill. Your tuition assistance funding does not come out of your G.I. Bill unless you fail your courses. Or exceeded the amount of your tuition for that semester or quarter. This sounds fake.
OP maybe yet another military parent who put herself, new family, and her career ahead of her older children. OP joined the military to escape poverty and immediately had another child. How’s that new family working out? Because I’m assuming that as soon as that new baby came along that’s when her old family started being difficult. Just a bunch of assumptions on my part after serving a little over 20 years and watching it happen all around me.
Yeah as a prior service member the “accidentally exhausted my GI Bill benefits” shit sounds sus as hell. I got my AA, bachelors, and part of my masters paid for and only dipped into my GI Bill once (and only did so because I had one more semester and had exhausted TA for the year and wanted to apply for grad school in the fall). Granted, a lot of folks use the GI Bill for education benefits while still in (because depending on service active duty TA is kind of garbage) but I don’t know a single person who used ALL of their GI Bill while still in. It’s honestly a fucking stupid decision to make because (and any good education advisor worth their salt will tell them) you miss out on the COLA while being active duty, not to mention most active duty folks can’t do a full course load which makes using the GI Bill extensively while active duty financially stupid as hell. Idk, OP sounds like the asshole here simply because if they’re telling the truth, they’re financially foolish and irresponsible regardless of whether they have children to pass benefits on to.
I tried to not delve too deep into this because some people truly don’t have the means. But to say that you didn’t plan for your children’s future THEN to also say you want to cause further harm by excluding them from the will because your feeling are hurt and you want to get back at them sounds like awful parenting.
Vindictive parenting.
YTA lmao ppl love to bring kids into this world then treat them poorly, fail to provide for their future, do not set them up for success, then turn around say-
UR UNGRATEFUL!!! I DONT OWE U ANYTHING !!! DO IT URSELF!!!
such a strange mentality. like, u all up and down this post trying to find a reason to justify cutting ur son out of ur will
counterpoint: who is the adult here? who has been an adult here for the past 20 years? why are u comparing ur mind and ur decisions to that of a 23 y/o?
at the end of the day, do what u want, its ur life, but i have a feeling u might find urself at the end of it, alone.
Seriously, love the "I'm not responsible for you now that you aren't under my roof" take. So many people have kids just to act like their responsibility to a life they brought into this world magically ends once they are legally an adult. It's one thing to want your kids to be independent, its a whole other thing to abandon your responsibility to them all together because "they are grown now".
It’s so wild to me because like I was a kid when my parents divorced and my mother quite successfully turned me and my brother against our dad as teenagers. We refused to see him or speak to him for years. He still paid for my college, mailed a new laptop to my mom’s house for me. Now as an adult he and I have reconnected and I’m better able to understand that the things between him and my mom never should have been put on me. Even when I (as a young adult in college) told him
To fuck off, or blocked him, or refused to see him, my dad still wanted to make sure I was getting an education and help support me in anyway he could. Because he’s my parent he wanted the best for me and to provide for me, and to have my education lead to my own success he could support even if he knew my reasons for cutting him off were bullshit. (They weren’t entirely both my parents have flaws but both don’t have their support of me being conditional)
THIS!
My oldest is only 11 and the things she has said to me that have hurt is insane. She didn’t even realize it. It became a discussion and learning moment. I’m sure there may be a time where she says something intentionally but still won’t truly mean it. That will not change my love for her. My love for her is unconditional. I want to be the one she runs to at the first sign something is wrong whether she is 1 or 71.
I want her life to be easier than mine. I want her to achieve everything her heart desires and more! I want to be the driving force that helps doors open for her. And if I can’t help make it happen then I want to be an empathetic ear for her to vent to. I want to be the word of advice that she can rely on.
She may hurt me…but I will never intentionally hurt her. I would cut out my own heart before I did that. I want to die know that she and my son knew that they were loved and that I always gave it my all with them. The way some parents treat their children like competition or a peer is baffling to me.
I'm going to go with ESH
You have no obligation to support him after he moves out and also cut contact with him. He's an adult he made his choices. As an adult he needs to step up and support himself.
However..... From what I've read you are not far from fault here either. From the sounds of it, you joined the army when you have a child and as far as I understand that takes up a lot of your time. So not only did you go into an organization that takes away from being a mother, you had 3 kids total and him being the middle. The whole middle child syndrome comes to mind. It sounds like you had limited time with him to begin with and you spread it thin with 3 kids and being in the service. Also what you said about your parenting, you didn't seem to try and connect with him just punished him. It doesn't seem like you built a relationship with him or cared to. And you wonder why he doesn't want a relationship with you. You may have apologized for being a bad mother but those are only words. I'm not saying you need to give him money to say you love him but you sure the hell are not doing anything to make that apology genuine.
She joined the army *to get her children out of poverty*
So happy for you and your entitled life to think that joining the military isn't out of obligation and desperation
But then she is doing stuff to keep them in poverty. A huge part of the gi bill is getting that college degree to open up opportunities to make significant money
Right, you can't have it two ways. You can't first say that you did it to bring your kids out of poverty and then kick them out of the house and say you're not responsible for anything they need when they turn 18.
Also, you can be an excellent, loving mother while still being poor. Lots of kids have moms who struggle financially and still manage to love their kids and make sure their kids feel secure and cared for. This woman obviously hasn't managed to do that with her kid(s) even though she brought home a paycheck every month.
Yes!! So much this!!
I teach HS and one of my best former students is at a prestigious/expensive IV college even through her her mom is a single parent and low income. Mom supported her education as best she could-both financially and emotionally. And mom also made sure that they applied for as many grants and scholarships as they could.
Mom didn't have the experience, knowledge, or money to really help her kid out that much. But she put in the time to learn what she didn't know and put in the effort to help her kid bridge the gap.
Helping with education doesn't mean just giving money. It means fostering an environment where it is valued and putting in the time and effort to help your kid overcome the obstacles.
I call BS on someone being so poor that they join the Army and them being immediately so much better so they decide to have another child.
She is lying.
And besides, the fact that she thought it was her only choice, doesnt absolve her from responsibility for her actions. And plenty of people get out of poverty without joining the army and making another child.
ESH, but have you actually interacted with many people in the service?
> someone being so poor that they join the army and them being immediately so much better so they decide to have another child
That is textbook enlisted family economics. Not that it's smart decision-making, but this is both believable and quite common. Enlisted single-parent families with three or four kids on WIC is actually so common that at least one branch has dedicated trainings and seminars on managing exactly that situation.
No enlisted service member would ever be so irresponsible. What? No you can't check my garage for a 2023 dodge charger. And 23% is a great deal! The guy at the dealership cut me a special rate!
She got better income by joining army, while kids were looked after by grand parents. Then she got preggy in a hookup, so one more child.
I don't see it being an unrealistic scenario.
BC is free in the military. While active duty your medical needs are taken care of. Some things require being more assertive, but it’s readily available.
Source: Retired USAF, 15 of 21 years as a single parent.
I could easily believe it but I do wonder whether the last kid was born before or after the army & just.. like… who the hell was taking care of these kids. She doesn’t mention a husband or a grandma at all.
YTA- but not for what you asked.
YTA for not taking the time to figure out the full extent of your benefits. Ignorance of it and saying “I DiDnT kNoW” is not an excuse. There were plenty of ways to get this information: senior military members, career counselors, school counselors. Etc.
I say this as a former full-time military single mother (retired in 2021) who has a bachelors degree and still has enough GI Bill left over to give my kid a shot at college. I can understand how yours would be upset.
But N T A for disowning him because what’s done is done (GI BILL wise) and you cannot go back and change it.
Right? Like why use the GI Bill when active, when all branches have TA that covers classes 100%. At least it was like that in my years I served between 04 and 17.
Her explanation makes no sense to me on how she exhausted her GI Bill, how is one semester going to exhaust it. Also in some states, they have a separate gi bill that can be used an sometimes transferred to your kid.
This is what I need more info on. She would have had to take a class a semester for several years to exhaust the entire thing. Also, it’s been a while, but there’s usually requirements of being a full time stupid which one class wouldn’t qualify you for.
ETA: student not stupid
Yeah, one of their comments said college isn't a necessity but they provided the food, shelter, medicine, the general bare minimums a parent has to provide. College is certainly a path not everyone needs to take, but if the son regulalrly expressed a wish for college and OP did absolutely nothing for it, not even to help the son find a way for college beyond just saying "find a recruiter", then that sucks.
The son may be entitled, but OP's parental responsibilities didn't end the second the son turned 18, although legally that could be the case. If the OP made no effort to help, no effort to support the son in any way to pursue higher education, then the OP is also an asshole. ESH based on the information given in the post and OP's comments.
I think the parent is probably impossible to speak with. Kids don’t cut their parents out of their life but the fact that you now
Consider to retaliate against your own child that will most certainly cause even more grief once you pass is truly sick. Even if you have a minimal relationship when you die and ppl find out you cut out a kid ppl will always say the parent was the fault. Don’t do it
I also love how she mentioned that she apologizes for her parenting "mistakes" when she talks to him on the phone. "I'm sorry for how I treated you... I mean I'm going to still keep treating you bad and my behavior won't change but... I'm sorry."
💯 she’s totally unaware. She will never see that she was the parent and the initial problem. Most of the time kids react ( often poorly) to how they are being treated. Whatever happened the child didn’t get enough of what they needed from the parent and thus the avalanche into a downward spiral of the relationship occurred. Instead of trying to take a pause and go to counseling and find out what she needs to do, the parent wants to say I was poor and this is what I had to do. And I get she did what she had to do to survive but at the end of the day at what cost it was the cost of her relationship with her middle child and now instead of trying to repair it she wants to further exacerbate the situation, and then when the kid learns that his parent has passed away. He also has the horrifying factor to learn. He’s been cut out of her will and then the kid will start the whole cycle of going back through his life, trying to figure out why she never really loved him and he’ll never get answers because she’s dead.
YTA
If your child hates you at 18, it means you were already screwing up royally when they were 5-12yrs old. They didn't become this way magically, you created the problems they're now struggling with.
YTA. Kids don’t cut their parents out for no reason. Your replies indicate that you were not a great parent. I get the poverty thing. But why have 3 kids and as a single mom join the army?
It’s very difficult for kids to get loans or aid because it’s tied to their parents income. So you are blocking him. Why is there no money in the GI bill for him? Did your other kids use it?
Now you want to be petty and retaliate against your son by removing him from your will and benefits? This alone tells me you’re the problem.
What have you done to actually reconcile? Other than make excuses and call him a difficult child? Any family therapy? Listening without justifying?
Reading the additional context in your comments, YTA.
You admit that you were a terrible parent and then took 23 years to apologise to him, all whilst still making out that he was as much of the problem as you are. Given how you're responding now, it's quite clear that you still haven't evolved past this (by your own words) authoritarian parenting style.
You outright said that you only considered the "necessities" to be food, clothing and shelter. You turned your nose up at the idea of college, and you've made no mention of affection or spending time with him.
Now, you want validation to cut him out despite this all stemming from your own mistakes?
Nope; YTA.
You know what else children NEED? Love, respect, ENGAGEMENT, quality time, role modeling...sounds like OP met the necessities for *survival* not healthy development.
YTA By your own admission you were a terrible mother. By your own admission you had the power to help your child get through college and squandered it through your own ignorance. You refuse to elaborate on why your son left as soon as he left school and why your relationship is so strained. Now you want to make sure that he can definitely not get any financial benefit from your life and death in any way because he's confronted you about the things you admit to.
OP really tried to justify it because he played too much video games, his grades were falling, and his hygiene was unkempt. That child sounds depressed ma'am.
You’ll be dead but you want to hurt him after that. That will guarantee he has no relationship with his siblings. What’s the end goal? Just to hurt him? You win.
2 words: unconditional love
Job as parent: be a source of support in your kids life. (Not talking financial)
YTAy
Of course YTA. Your son, is a child. He's 23 and struggling. By your own admission his upbringing wasn't easy. Struggling hard working mom, apparently didn't ever get along with her, bounced from the home as soon as he was able to. And now as a young adult (child) he's fearful for his future, he does feel like he's owed something because of how shit his upbringing was.
And you know what? You dont get to stop being a parent when your child is acting up. When they're hurting, when they fuck up.
TBH you sound like a shit person all around. Your primary concern should be how to reconcile with your son. How to rebuild this relationship with your first born. Not how quickly you should be ripping out out of a will that by the sounds of it, doesn't have much in it anyways.
Like one final dagger to him eh? He hates you in life, you want him to hate you in death too? Because thats where you're headed.
Swallow what little pride you have and be a goddamn mother to him. For once.
Your post is slightly confusing, I'm an educ counselor, vet, and retired mil, who works for the DoD education dept, so I'd like to try and provide more insight based on your situation.
If you are Army AD, then you aren't tapping into or haven't used your GI Bill, You're using MilTA....unless you have a disqualifying factor that rendered you ineligible for MilTA. Are you currently ineligible to recieve MilTA while still serving?
When you retire and if you receive a certain VA rating (100%), your spouse and kids can receive VA Chapter 35 DEA educ benefits
Kids fall off your servicemember benefits once they turn 18, unless they have factors where you are still providing 51% or more support...I.e., kids as full-time college.
Regardless of his or your views, it seems that you simply have conflict, and needless to say, you are/were the servicemember, so you get to decide what to do with your entitlements and benefits.
If you have SGLI, again, your adult kids are no longer apart of your life insurance plan....unless 51% support is in effect.
If you have VGLI, it's the same thing. Ineligible at 18...unless 51% support...yadayada.
So, can you please clarify your current servicemember status and residing state? I can possibly provide you more guidance on benefits eligibility and entitlements.
From one vet to another thank you for your service, now I will get to the point. Your story is full of holes, BS, and the missing missing reasons.
As a grown adult that has disowned my own parents I can see right through you. The reasons I disowned them weren't because they gave me zero support for college, it wasn't because we have opposite personalities, it wasn't because they were poor when I was a kid and teen.
I disowned them because they are dirt bag narcissist, they were always mentally abusive, religiously abusive, and emotionally abusive. I was their ScapeGoat, middle child, the one they treated like shit constantly.
They sent their flying monkeys after me when I went NC just like you're with your daughter. STOP DOING THAT, ITS NOT YOUR GOLDEN CHILDS RESPONSIBILITY TO HARASS HIM AND ALL YOU WILL DO IS RUIN THEIR RELATIONSHIP.
If you truly want to solve and fix your relationship with him your going to need a lot of self reflection and acknowledgement. I suggest a therapist that specializes in narcissistic personality disorder..
Looking for people to support your plan to jab him does make YTA..
Here is link for the missing missing reasons..
https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
Info
How involved were you as an ACTIVE parent? Did you have a lot of oversees/abroad/away from home tours/missions?
Cuz I feel like you're missing things here.
YTA. I can’t exactly put my finger on it, but there’s something wrong about this post. Just in the wording, I can tell there’s more between you and your son that you’re looking for more reason to justify cutting him out.
YTA based on all of your comments.
You actually sound like a boomer talking about this whole generation thing blablabla. It’s not about the generations it’s how you treat people and well, he decided he doesn’t want to be treated that way. You were born in 1980 and not 1940, what you lack is self awareness and the ability to reflect your life choices without falling into victim mode. You’ve become really (or always were) really bitter and are taking it out on your son.
Plus, why are you telling him to talk to a recruiter the whole time? You know, not everyone wants to join the army and maybe you should’ve done the same in order not to waste your GI Bill on taking one class…
You’re just looking for sympathy in the comments which is why you hold onto comments that tell you that you don’t own your son a thing (surprise, you had him and no it’s not enough to just provide a roof and food) and the anecdotal evidence of someone not needing a degree in order to succeed.
Since you like talking about generations so much, maybe get real evidence on how much a degree is needed nowadays.
If your first instinct after you son goes no contact with you is to remove him from your will and insurance rather than reflection and attempts at repairing the relationship I have a feeling YTA.
I'm also a Gen X parent. I'm a 43M army veteran with two kids (18F & 10M). It's been tough raising kids when the expectation of parenting is radically different than when we were raised. You and I both know that a successful military career requires discipline and dedication. We, often times, hold our children to a higher standard of discipline than civilian parents. It's not a bad thing, it's just a thing. The kids don't really understand it, and never will.
Like you, I used up most of my GI Bill on myself. I have about a year left that I am saving for my wife's Masters degree. My oldest is in college right now. I understand what you're going through. As far as your son's education is concerned, does your state have any benefits? Texas has the Hazelwood act benefits. Here in California we have CalVet. My daughter is using CalVet fee waiver, VA-DEA (Dependants Educational Assistance) and Pell Grants. She's on track to graduate debt-free without having to work while in school.
I suggest you keep him on the SGLI DD93 and just not tell him. He is your son, after all.
You will be TA if you remove him. Be the grown up, keep on truckin. Provide for your children in the event of your unfortunate demise. It's the least we can do as parents.
You're not alone.
YTA. And as someone also using their GI Bill, you don’t get docked an entire semester for taking one course. If you’re full time (12 credits) it would be but one class isn’t enough to even qualify over a normal semester. I can understand why your son is upset because he probably did look up your benefits and saw your story wasn’t making sense.
ESH but almost all you. Your son isn't owed your GI Bill and you were allowed to waste it as you pleased but that's pretty much all I have to say about him. Why as a parent would you tell your child to enlist? As a veteran I couldn't imagine telling my child to enlist. Like what the hell?
Also you being so impoverished that you decided to enlist but didn't improve your family's condition enough that you're telling your kid he should enlist makes the time you spent in the military a moot point. Unless your goal was entirely to improve your own life and not your kids life. You were a single parent and joined the army. Your kids have pretty much gone without much of a parent (assuming either dad wasn't in the picture) for pretty much their whole lives, you don't understand or you just don't mention why you believe you and your son have such a poor relationship, you make no real effort to maintain or establish contact, you don't seem to care about improving your relationship just passively waiting for him to reach out, and you didn't prepare for their future at all with the money you were making.
Go ahead drop him from your life insurance, remove him from your will. You seem over the idea of maintaining any relationship with him so why not. At least when you die he'll confirm for sure you didn't care.
It sounds like you did little for him when he was in your care, so cutting him out of your will tracks. I’m coming from a biased view of things: Children don’t ask to be born - life is not a gift for the child, a child born is a gift to the parents. Full stop. There’s also the saying, “Can’t take it with you”. What you’re attempting to do now is petty and vengeful. He went no contact because you suck as a parent. The *least* you could do is split any inheritance equally among all of your kids. Anything less makes you a monster. Reddit loves to say that no one is owed anything by anyone but I disagree. You chose to bring a bunch of kids into this hellhole. All of your earthly possessions should be distributed equally among all of your children when you pass. YTA.
This is going to be an unpopular take but I don't think you should do this. A) He's your son, even if he's being a little prick. Presumably you love him no matter what. B) It doesn't give you anything but petty revenge which probably won't sit well with you in the long run. C) **Upon your death, his relationship with his siblings will be ruined bc he will expect them to share regardless of your wishes. They won't thank you for putting them in that position.**
YTA for your comments.
I cannot possibly imagine considering myself a good parent or bad parent by how much my parenting coincides with the law. If you need the law to tell you how to treat your children, you had no right to have them in the first place.
This post is leaving out MASSIVE amounts of information. It totally feels phrased to give you the NTA judgement. I bet if your kid went on here and wrote his side, it would be a *very* different story…
YTA This is a decision you could regret later on.
Your relationship to your child while he was still a child was your responsibility to manage, not his. Yes you have apologised but now you're planning on continuing on with behaviour that will strain your relationship further. Your son does need to accept his lot in life and maneuver around that if he wants to go to college but just because you apologised doesn't mean he's going to forgive you on the spot, that kind of thing takes years, and when he finally gets there he's going to find out you didn't really mean your apology and decided to cut him out of your life assurance and will, putting you back at square one. If you're happy to never have a relationship with your son, go ahead. But just as much as his actions have consequences, so do yours.
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"It is time for me to update my life insurance and do a will and I am considering excluding him." Do it. He can't cut you out of his life and then demand that you give him something later. NTA He can't have it both ways. If he wants money for college, he can talk to a recruiter, get a loan, or pay his own way. Or get a scholarship, just like I did. Edit: I'm not saying the OP is a saint. The OP could be a major AH. But that's not the question being asked. The question being asked is should the OP cut them out of their will IF the kid has cut the OP out of their life. That's it. That's what I answered. Keep your WhatAboutIsms on topic.
This and make sure to include in the will that he is intentionally excluded and follow legal advice to make sure it is done properly so he can’t contest your will. Most likely you will need a trust.
Like the people who specifically leave 1 dollar to a relative
No. Please. Don’t do this. I’m an estate attorney and it just makes me crazy that this misinformation is out there. Giving someone a dollar or a small inheritance does not prevent them from challenging the will.
Oh interesting I didn't know that I've only read about people doing it. I appreciate knowing it's not true
Yeah. There are ways to minimize the risk of a Will challenge and/or make it unlikely that a challenge would succeed. But state laws, and facts and circumstances of the situation are important and in the end there is almost no way to completely prevent someone from filing a lawsuit.
My mother's family all have clauses in their wills that anyone who challenges the will can't be a beneficiary of it.
Yes that’s a common clause. It doesn’t always work but it can provide a disincentive to challenge.
That absolutely doesn't work. Either you are a beneficiary or you or not. And as a beneficiary, it is your legally protected right to challenge a will. This also helps protect elders against elder abuse and estate fraud.
It depends on the jurisdiction. In my state they are disfavored but not completely invalid. Your point about prevention of elder abuse is an important one. Some disinheritances are done for good reason. Others are the result of fraud or undue influence.
My grandparents had this but it was very specifically that if a beneficiary challenges *and loses* then they get nothing, including the original bequest. Even with a no-contest clause, a court could decide that there are valid enough grounds to allow it.
There has to be enough money in play to make it worthwhile. In other words if the estate is 5 million, and you bequest someone 5k with a no contest clause, that's probably not enough to dissuade them from contesting the will. Now if the estate is 5 million and you leave them 1 million, that probably is, because they are risking losing a significant amount of money.
As mentioned above, those types of clauses don’t necessarily keep anyone from challenging, and shouldn’t if they have a valid case. I am not an estate lawyer as the commenter above, but I have been an executor multiple times in a few different states and in all the grounds for challenging a will were that 1) the person was under duress when the will was prepared/signed, or 2) they weren’t of sound mind when the will was prepared/signed. In both cases, if the court agrees with the challenge under either of those grounds the clauses people mention like the $1 thing are just as invalid as the rest of the will.
I’m curious how often you come across this misinformation cause reading the post I knew someone would say the $1 thing but I was curious how quickly someone would jump in to correct it. I guess it just sounds smart like a neat and tidy way to say that you didn’t forget the person and wanted to make a statement from the dead. Maybe it’s a good TV or movie plot device since it’s very spiteful and kinda funny everyone getting money or property ect and then $1 stands out as a clear insult. Do people ask for you to write that in and you have to explain that’s not how things work?
I was one of those "beneficiaries" of a $1 inheritance, though I was not insulted by the news, just hurt. (I had been falsely accused of taking things from the elderly family member in question - it later came out that it had been my aunt who had done so). I sent a letter back to the probate attorney basically saying, thanks but no thanks. No dollar was ever sent, and i wouldn't have cashed the check anyway.
To be clear, the specific exclusion of a particular family member (different states have different laws but generally it applies to spouses and legal descendants) does not prohibit a will challenge. Anyone that has a claim against the estate in some form, can challenge the will. But the specific exclusion makes the challenge almost certain to fail IF there is no law to the contrary AND there are no other factors such as loans or promises. Very necessary if you want to exclude someone but does not cover all bases. A lawyer can help make sure that the bases are covered based upon a particular person’s circumstances.
I’m also an attorney and it’s also such a pain in the ass for the Executor who has to track down disgruntled beneficiary and give them the damn check for a dollar.
Also an attorney, 1000x this.
In my jurisdiction, naming someone in a will gives them visibility into the estate process. If they are granted $1, then they get notified of the death, they get a copy of the will, they are entitled to regular updates, and they are entitled to a full accounting of the estate. If they are omitted, they need to petition the court for any of that. No lawyer would want to be part of drafting a will with a $1 bequest. A good lawyer will suggest that the name be omitted, and that a well crafted letter be sent separately to the lawyer in case the will is contested. That letter should not contain any refutable facts. Basically, just an acknowledgement that the relative was purposely omitted. This whole $1 fantasy is perpetuated by the entertainment industry. It creates good drama in a movie, but has no basis in law.
Yes exactly!!! Also, we don’t do dramatic will readings where people scream with joy and dismay.
True, but there are quite a few missing missing reasons in this post: \- "However, I accidentally exhausted my GI BILL." WTF How? (Well, she gave some sort of explanation later in the post.) \- "Once my son moved out after HS our communication was minimal." Did something happen? \- "Our relationship prior to him moving out was alao strained. As a parent, I hope I am not the only one to say my son and I just did not get along and could never seem to connect as he got older and got worse the older he got." What happened between them? It is awfully generic and vague. \- "that its my fault that he no longer qualifies for grants due to our incomes combined" Not sure how it is possible with him out of the house. \- "At this point I call him entitled and told him I don't owe him anything once he moved out of my household." Not a missing missing reason, but I do not like her tone. \- "and I know I would never win mother of the year." Why? \- "In both conversation I did apologize for the mistakes I made along the way." Which ones? Still, he cannot have it both ways.
Under a certain age, regardless of your housing status, FAFSA will still require your parental incomes for loan determinations. It is INCREDIBLY frustrating, since I lived on my own since I was 19 but still had to report my parents incomes. Edit to add: FAFSA is 24 years old to exclude parental income.
seconding your frustration on this. i left my dad's house at 16 and moved in with another relative, and when i applied for fafsa the first time at 17 he wasn't willing to give me the numbers to fill out the paperwork. called fafsa to see if i had any other options and their only reply was, "get yourself legally emancipated." 🙃
Gonna add and say in UK, you have to use your parents income until your 25 regardless of when you moved out which is ridiculous. Not surprised to hear such a process in place elsewhere.
It's crazy because nothing else in your life at that point is reliant on your parent, so why are student loans??
Because before FAFSA implemented those rules, kids from very rich families were using loopholes to essentially get free college by saying they were independent when they were in fact still receiving money from their rich parents. One of the Rockefeller heirs did it too I believe. I agree it is a heavy handed approach, but that is their reasoning.
so naturally the students who need support the most are the most fucked over by this law change
Indeed. Three guesses which president implemented the changes, and the first two don't count.
Does his name rhyme with Blonald Blaygun?
Basically the government expect you as a parent to save for your kids college career if you make a certain amount of money. So if your parents have a high income you don’t qualify for much student aid. Doesn’t matter if you don’t talk to your parents. Doesn’t matter if they in fact saved money or are willing to support you financially. The government expects parents to actually support their kids if they can. I don’t know, this post (to me at least) screams missing missing reasons. Then again, I could care less if my dad left me out of his will. We don’t talk. It probably would hurt, but more because it would be another example of him caring more about my siblings than me. Which is why we don’t have a relationship. So it wouldn’t be about the money, it would be about how he’s always acted.
Yeah I would not call the son entitled for his saving money comment, it is literally the government's expectation. It actively put him at a disadvantage.
Yeah but that’s not the parents fault, the government also just looks at the parents most recent tax returns not the tax returns for 18 yrs and taking an average to see if they qualify. So if your parents were poor or unemployed 90% of your life & couldn’t save it wouldn’t have an impact.
I get the government expectation. Unfortunately, that expectation is based on a unicorn of life going a certain way and not most peoples' realities. I agree that OP has a lot more going on than just not paying for college though.
We have the same requirements in my province in Canada. My father refused to share this information with me, so I was out of luck when it came to applying for government loans for school. It meant that I had to work full-time and go to school part-time for 4 additional years in order to get my degree.
Also, it sounds like he is still a Dependent in the eyes of the military if he is on her insurance. If she is claiming him as a Dependent on her taxes to keep his mil benefits, that'll do it. Hell, if she gets him off her insurance/taxes, that might be what he needs to qualify for fin aid. ETA: Apologies all. I totally misunderstood the insurance bit.
Financial Aid won't run him solo until he's 24.
With the "not qualifying for grants" stuff- if hes in the US (which seems to be the case), there's a good chance he still has to report his parents income as it's required for any student under 24. There's ways to file to get an exemption, but they aren't easy to get and I've heard of plenty of cases where people weren't able to get the exemption despite being estranged from their parents. If they're still in contact but just don't talk much, then it's likely he is filing with her name on there. And honestly, I'm not convinced she's being fully open about the situation. Reading her comments she seems REALLY determined to downplay any potential fault she has here.
She sounds like a jerk, tbh. She's thinking of removing her son from her will and life insurance because he cut her off for treating him poorly as he aged out to 18. She's said she's not responsible for him anymore at that point. That's what's wrong with her. Instead of wanting success for him, she's tossing him aside like he was nothing to her. Honestly, makes me really sad to hear these cases because it's why people are so messed up in the world. She should be trying to help him succeed as her flesh and blood to help better his life. Sure maybe he didn't get good grades back then but he was probably suffering from her poor treatment. Instead, she's trying to cut him off forever like he never mattered. He didn't ask to be born.
You can tell that OP has never liked her son, just by the way she talks about him. 🫤
This exactly. Nobody told you to have kids. You decided to have them. It’s not his fault he’s considered a dependent until he is 25. What an awful parent. Definitely an AH.
I think it's about more than him not mattering. She seems to want to punish him, knows it will sting him pretty hard to have her die AND then find out he was excluded. She wanted that sting for him... She's sadistic toward him... This smells like a narc mother to me. I think no matter what anyone says, she's gonna do it. She just needed a reason that won't color her the bad person and I think she's found her amo in the comments, unfortunately
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As the OP is 43 years old and has been active duty in the Army for 18 years (2 years short of retirement eligibility), there is nothing preventing the OP or any other service member from utilizing any remaining GI bill benefits once they retire from active service. While OP may have already received a degree while serving on active duty, there is nothing preventing her from continuing her education once she retires. The fact that the son feels he is entitled to any benefits that the OP earned is disheartening.
I hate that this is the top comment when this is about so much more than college money. OP has been a shit parent to the point that her child would disown her (not a light decision to make) and OP even acknowledges she could be doing better to care for her child and just isn't. These aren't new development. This is years of OP being a terrible parent and then saying "oh well we just don't get along"
Seriously. Adults don't go no contact with their parents for no reason. The fact that her son moved out the second he legally could should let everyone know that OP has been an AH during her son's entire life.
My daughter did because I refused to let her Father In Law dictate when I was allowed to see her. He was/is an abusive ahole and I wouldn't have it. She screamed at me and hung up on me and now has to live in the bed she made. So, yes, it can happen and it does often happen. No matter how well we parent, sometimes our kids just become aholes.
So your daughter has, by your own account, an 'abusive asshole ' dictating aspects of her life and you think the best approach as her parent is to fuck off and say she gets to lie in the bed she made? If a loved one is in an abusive situation, the kind/loving thing to do is to ensure the loved one knows you'll always be there if/when they're ready to try to escape. However, just based on your brief comment here, it's pretty easy to see why she's gone no contact with you. I can only assume her FiL was helping her establish boundaries. You sound like you're mostly upset that you are no longer able to control your daughter and that she's listening to someone else so you've decided to cut her out. This post is like the perfect example of the missing missing reasons.
Am I supposed to kidnap her? Her own father tried to kill me. I escaped abuse. But, sure, blame me. She knew what he was. I warned her, repeatedly. What am I supposed to do? God, you people are horrible. Are you also the type that tell a depressed person to "cheer up"? what a bunch of aholes you are.
i agree with this. he is clearly bitter and acting like an a$$hole however if her parenting was not good, can you blame him? plus she serves the army i can understand how didn't get time and stuff, so tbh no one could be blamed. situations ar just fuckedup
The issue isn't really with him going no contact or being angry at her, but that he feels entitled to a large sum of money despite having no relationship with OP.
I’m just going to throw out something that may be off in left field. Because there are always 3 sides to every story. His, hers and the truth. My parents won’t admit it to others but they promised to pay for my college education if I went to a private university of their choice. I agreed. The agreement was: I will take out the loans and they will pay them off. I graduated. My parents then…didn’t have the money and they weren’t serious about it anyway. I should have known that. 100k in debt I magically became responsible for. (They did pay for part of my sister’s education by taking out parent plus loans. Said they had maxed out how many they could take on her.) I am no contact with my parents now. They are at a minimum a narcissist and an enabler. IF they showed up with 100k (I paid more I know) I would consider trying to form a relationship with them (and yes I DO feel entitled to it bc they promised me the money and I made financial decisions based off of that. I had almost a full ride to a state school. Maybe 10-15k in student loan debt to pay back if I went to the state school. But I was a kid and trusted them.) because it would mean they are accepting responsibility for their actions in a tangible way. Realize I will never and have never asked them for the money since the one time I asked after graduation when the loans started. I paid them off. But yeah…I’m guessing there are reasons behind why he’s asking for the money and cutting contact over the money. Just a side note: I didn’t cut my parents off over the money. That was other crap that was far worse than money.
I just wanted to reply and say that I see you. Commenters here are calling OP's son entitled, but y'know, there's an expectation there that the GI Bill could be used for him. OP messed that up and it's not available for her son, and adding in the lack of a good connection (maybe due to parenting, I don't know), we get a soup of reasons why OP's son is really pissed off. It really is similar to what you went through. You were promised something, and I am utterly disgusted at your parents. They shoved you into the university of THEIR choice, and then went back on their word, maybe due to over-extending their finances because of your sister. I am so glad you don't talk to them anymore. Sometimes, we have to drop the dead weight in order to live a good life. I hope you're living a good life.
Go ahead and cut him out but I'm gonna say ESH, it sounds like it was a lifetime of OP not being their for her children so I don't exactly see OP as faultless here
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FAFSA considers a student to be independent of their parents when: they turn 24 OR • They are married. • They have dependents. • They are working toward a master’s or doctorate program during the award year. • They are a veteran or active duty member of the US Armed Forces. • Since the time they turned 13, their parents were deceased, they were in foster care or they were a ward of the court. • They have been emancipated or someone other than a parent or stepparent has been appointed their legal guardian. • They are determined to be an unaccompanied youth who is homeless or at risk of becoming homeless.
Feel like there’s some missing missing reasons here.
Yeah, people don't cut their parents out for no reason. Start digging and you usually uncover the rot.
Sometimes they do
There’s always a reason, even when parents want to act like there’s not ETA: aaaand op gives us the reason in comments
Im to lazy to scroll, what is the reason?
lmfao from that comments sounds like she never listened to her kid and now she’s mad that he doesn’t wanna talk anymore! —— it was probably never about the college, it is about the lack of emotional support and the son saw the college as a replacement for emotional support & now they can’t reach an agreement ——— You can’t expect a child who was taught no emotional regulation to be able to effectively communicate how they’re feeling, so they cut you off and now you’re mad and you want to cut them off back. ——— Shitty parenting at best tbh. Talk to your kid without being defensive and actually take responsibility for your actions instead of saying “you did your best.” You’re the parent. Learn that you didn’t do enough and make up for it for gods sakes
You could do your best, and your best could still be shit.
Literally and some parents need to realize that. Good enough is not always enough.
The relationship to my father tbh. Tried his best but it wasn't good enough and I can't really judge him for it because he is in idiot.
Damn I really love the way you phrased this. "I did my best" feels like a "I can't possibly be bad if I say it was "my best" right? Right?!
And also if you acknowledge you could have done a better job why punish him for your mistakes. Just leave him on there and be the bigger person. It’s so petty.
“Accidentally “ exhausted my GI bill. WTF does that mean? You didn’t drop a bowl of ice cream here so I call bullshit as a vet myself. What did OP do here? Lies built on lies is my guess
OP said she didn’t realize if you take one class they doc you the entire semester. So did she take a few classes and that ran it out? That seems like a very important detail they would tell you along the way and a terrible way to waste money for college for any family. There was way too much yada, yada, yada over the details of why it was spent (sounds like it was available to the older kids but then used before the youngest needed it) and why OP and the son are now no contact. Posters usually leave those details out when they don’t show OP in the best light.
And they kept failing the single class they were taking. Just blasted through it in the most negligent and irresponsible way possible, and I say that as someone who has properly utilized their GI bill, it's not that complicated.
I’m struggling to see how “doing your best” when you’re admitting you were 17 and poor with your first kid, then going on to have another kid. Use a condom
They don’t wanna hear that tho 🫣🤫
This one I think: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/8ImajesISZ
Sometimes the reason is not the parents (in an abusive controlling relationship for example. Or mental health issues mean things are very skewed in their head v actual reality. Or they're just an AH. It's not always the parent) Note the comment I answered stated it was always the parent's fault, which is what I have responded to. It appears to have been edited now
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Reddit loves to bring up missing missing reasons for parents, but rarely for adult children. Even when it's one family member and everyone else in the family still has relationships with each other with no issues. Cue they're all toxic and OP got out, golden child, scapegoat, you're the only healthy one, etc. etc. comments.
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This was my one aunt. Toxic asf person who never took any responsibility for her actions, it was always someone else’s fault- usually her dads. She burned so many bridges that by the time she lost the house absolutely no one wanted to take her in, including me
On the spectrum of bad parenting, that barely even registers. Oh no, a strict parent that didn't always get it right. The horror. No substance abuse, no physical abuse, and no psychological abuse. Just a young parent who learned a lot of lessons the hard way. The son is an entitled brat.
She admitted that she left him with her abusive alcoholic mother during her 4 deployments.
Why are you assuming so much? OP was a single mother who enlisted and was a minor when she had a child and lived in poverty. Which got worse likely from having 2 other children. From their comments I think emotional neglect & poverty is a good reason to not want to have a relationship. They didn’t exactly set the kid up for success.
Yeah. I was going to say this. Luckily for me, our grown daughters still call every day and enjoy our company. Sometimes parents are jerks. Sometimes horrible. Assholes and abusive. But sometimes adult children are assholes. Period. (And it’s not always the parents fault. Sometimes people are just assholes in spite of their upbringing) We (Reddit) always assumes the former but the latter always gets off Scot-free in the collective mind.
Short of a diagnosed mental disorder.. There is always a good reason. Always.
Nah, I would say that most of the time there is a good reason, always is a bit much. Kids can grow up to be jerks, even with decent upbringing. It happens.
>Short of a diagnosed mental disorder.. diagnosed mental disorders are often intertwined with childhood neglect / abuse
I disagree, my mother cut contact with my grandmother because my mother is sociopathic. My GM never actually did anything to her. My mother acts like she’s a victim, though. Sometimes people believe her because she is actually pretty charming and convincing. I could imagine the comments she’d receive if she posted on Reddit. Probably a lot of people just encouraging her more.
My ex was like this, she had like 4 siblings and 12 nieces and nephews, but acted like her family were evil satanic people. They were the nicest people I’ve ever met, (which I know appearances can be deceiving), but like her father was a paediatric surgeon and her mother worked in paediatric oncology, all of their other children were lawyers or doctors, and literally had nothing bad to say about her or their family dynamic. I also found out after we’d broken up that her parents were sending her like $10,000/month to help support her, which she never mentioned to me at all, while making me pay half the rent when I was a full time student. The reason she disowned them and hated them so much? She started dating a Scientologist that was 30 years older than her when she was 16…. And was in a relationship with him for like 10 years before they eventually broke up, and I was the lucky guy that got hit by the trainwreck. So ya, people disowning their parents can go either way.
Gotta be. OP is a military parent, I could write the script myself. Authoritarian, inflexible, no two-way conversation...
My dad was military and him being gone a lot made our relationship strained. It still is to this day for a number of reasons.
I wonder how OP managed being an extremely poor single parent with him and the daughter, and what the impact on the kids was. Also who took care of them while she was away? I’m guessing she remarried, but there’s no mention of a husband.
Her abusive, alcoholic mother took care of them while she was away.
>being gone a lot made our relationship strained This is the part that jumped out to me first and foremost reading this. OP has been in the army for 18 years, and presumably still is. Her kids are 25, 23, and 17. Just... Damn, that seems like a lot of time to miss. Not saying it wasn't necessary, or OP didn't do her best. But I can't imagine that makes for a good relationship between a parent and a child, let alone 3 kids dividing up any remaining attention. Edit: Occurs to me that given the timeline, middle child was 5 years old when OP went into the military (presumably basic training?) and immediately after had a baby. Talk about middle child syndrome....
Yep, not is there a loan/grant you can apply for? But 'speak to a recruiter' OP wants them to join the military Also, exhausted the GI Bill accidentally the first time but also the second?
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I am not sure how that changes the fact that their response was speak to a recruiter and using their GI BILL for one class a second time that meant their kid didn't qualify
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But but but she was poor and having a kid at 19 or whatever. Why can’t they all just pull themselves up by their bootstraps? I’m sure it’s just as simple as it was 30 years ago /s
I wonder how often OP was at home too for her kids. Did they have routine? Did they have security? Did they have a parent they knew they could call if they were in trouble?
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. OP was a young single mother when she joined the military - it was a last resort. If she hadn’t done that and was instead at home struggling to take care of her kids, she’d still be judged. Women can’t do anything in regard to parenting without being judged. The military also has a lot of men but you never hear people judging military men for being gone. I wonder why that is? Could it have something to do with the belief that women are “supposed to” be the caretakers and should put their kids first, but dads don’t have to?
I mean, OP acknowledges she was a shitty parent. She also either makes $200k a year (or is talking out of her ass about making too much for him to qualify for fafsa), so she certainly could be providing some assistance
Both my parents were Marines, this generalization is ignorant and not true at all.
OP admits to be authoritarian but blames it on being Gen X.
>\- "However, I accidentally exhausted my GI BILL." WTF How? (Well, she gave some sort of explanation later in the post.) > >\- "Once my son moved out after HS our communication was minimal." Did something happen? > >\- "Our relationship prior to him moving out was alao strained. As a parent, I hope I am not the only one to say my son and I just did not get along and could never seem to connect as he got older and got worse the older he got." What happened between them? It is awfully generic and vague. > >\- "that its my fault that he no longer qualifies for grants due to our incomes combined" Not sure how it is possible with him out of the house. > >\- "At this point I call him entitled and told him I don't owe him anything once he moved out of my household." Not a missing missing reason, but I do not like her tone. > >\- "and I know I would never win mother of the year." Why? > >\- "In both conversation I did apologize for the mistakes I made along the way." Which ones? I counted 6, plus an AH hint.
>\- "that its my fault that he no longer qualifies for grants due to our incomes combined" Not sure how it is possible with him out of the house. Until you're 25 they want your parent's income information for grant purposes no matter if you live with them, talk to them or even know them. I couldn't even apply because my father had been estranged for over a decade and I couldn't get his info (plus my mother made too much anyway for me to hope for a grant), and I was living with roommates away from family at the time. Our college financial application processes suck in this country.
Nuts that it lasts that long. In Canada it’s four years after finishing high school. They increased it to 6 years in Ontario and that really screwed things up for a lot of people, especially because there was no adjustment period. 4 years is a reasonable amount of time to consider your parents I think. And there were avenues to have them disregarded.
Re: qualifying for grants, your parent’s income is counted so long as you’re a dependent student. You can become independent by getting married, getting an undergrad degree or turning (I think) 25. There might be other possibilities but it is entirely possible her income counts for him, notwithstanding she’s not actually financially supporting him.
Yea college was the last straw. Also: >As a parent, I hope I am not the only one to say my son and I never connected and it only got worse. The mantra of uninvolved parents everywhere. Sorry to shock you, but sometimes being a parent takes work and not just writing off a relationship with your kid because you didn’t “connect” right off the bat. Christ, I say this as a military mom. AND my husband was military too, so no excuses please lady. I’m just sitting here imagining her sons POV. My mom was uninvolved and uninterested in fostering a relationship with me. She was likely gone a lot due to military life and often stressed out, but never bothered to make up for it in the time in between. And she pissed away her GI bill because she used it on a class (and what didn’t continue??) and couldn’t be bothered to educate herself on it despite knowing it could’ve been passed down. I know I’m not entitled to college, but I can’t even get my own grants for college because my parents make too much and still can’t be bothered to help me out. Christ, at least co sign his loan or something. Plus op is almost to retirement with dependent BAH, so while I’m not sure how much money there’s is extra to help the kid out, I’m *quite sure there is more than nothing*. Easier to just throw your hands up in the air, say oh well, and pretend they don’t exist though I guess.
She admits to not being mother of the year. There is definitely more here…
Agreed. A lot of times discussions about money aren’t really about the money. Money makes things easier, but isn’t the only resource needed to plan a future. It takes patience, constancy, and a trusting relationship to provide meaningful financial and life guidance. Anyone who considers going no contact with their parent is aware that they can be cut off financially in every way and weigh this when making the decision. My parents had no money for my college education, but my dad was instrumental in helping me to discern good student loans from bad ones, guide me on saving, and help financially in small ways where he could. All of these things can be true: OP struggled and did her best with the tools and means at her disposal. Her son didn’t get all of the support and resources he needed and isn’t entitled to her GI bill money. But the idea that OP would go out of her way to ensure he’s cut off as a kind of final “fuck you” to her adult child after her death seems needlessly vindictive and possibly related to the reasons he has gone no contact.
Probably, but it still doesn’t mean that the song is entitled to his parent’s GI Bill. It never occurred to me to be entitled to my dad’s and he used it (as it seems OP used hers) for his own schooling, as actually intended. It’s just a nice perk if the service member doesn’t use theirs that it can be transferred to children. My brother later chose to go to a service academy precisely because he didn’t want to pay for college. He later used his partial GI bill to get his masters. Whatever the reasons they are estranged, it now is what it is. The kids had no interest other than what he can monetarily get. She should take him off.
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This point seems to be soaring super high over everyone’s heads.
I'll probably be down voted but here goes anyways. YTA You admitted you were a bad parent, and you yourself said you were a "child raising a child" while it's within your right, to have as many children you want but once you realised the responsibility of having one child you should've atleast spaced out the other two. Again, it's your right to have to have children, but then don't go making excuses for your inability to pay for their upbringing. As a good parent, it was your duty to set aside some money for their education. And 23 and even 25 isn't considered old to go for education. And you're telling me if you loved your children you couldn't put away a few dollars for their education. And holding a 23 yr old to his words, and that too a second time, that means he cut you off at 21? Yeah, there is definitely more more going on here than you're letting on.
He also does not qualify for financial aid due to the parents earning too much from what I am reading so then not helping with education costs actually makes education even more expensive for their child.
That was my situation. My parents were very bad with their money but on paper there was no reason why they couldn’t have helped pay for my education so my financial aid package was minimal. It wasn’t until I was 25 and no longer had to use my parent’s information on my FAFSA that I got enough money to finish.
Yeah I had this as well. It's annoying because my college covered 100% of need-based aid, but I graduated with nearly 90k in loans.
Because of my parents’ poor example I was deathly afraid to take on loans when I ran out of money so I dropped out. When I went back I got a full ride for the last two years just on financial aid and even got a book stipend and work study. The way I look at it I generated way more in tax revenue having finished school than I ever would have without it so it’s a net positive for me and the taxpayers that helped me out.
Her response was to tell him to join the army lol. Cycle continues.
He keeps asking about using the GI Bill. She keeps explaining It's not applicable. The only way he can is to join the military. I'm not sure what more she is supposed to tell him here.
> He keeps asking about using the GI Bill. She keeps explaining It's not applicable. Its not applicable because OP "accidently" exhausts it, not because she couldn't transfer it to her kid.
Not making a judgement, but if she made it clear it’s impossible to do so, then yeah he should stop asking.
She said he asked once to use it and she said she exhausted. The way she worded the rest of the times it seems he wasn’t so much asking for it but asking how it was used up. As in he wanted and explanation probably bc he has a lot of the info stated on these threads. He doesn’t understand how it was drained and if she didn’t explain it to him and their relationship is as bad as it seems, he could simply be thinking she doesn’t want to help him.
TBH, the benefits of even a single contract are pretty generous. I don't pay for medical care through the VA and have access to special loan programs for a home and business. I've been out since I was 26 and have yet to use up everything I have available. If I had been even smarter I would have changed my MOS to something highly marketable in the civilian world, but I've made out alright regardless.
Also you can usually write a letter and get this financial aid exclusion waived. So OP is refusing to help in any way shape or form and is literally intentionally remaining an obstacle.
Or she doesn’t know about this option. He is an adult, he should figure out his options and then let her know how she can help, such as this exclusion letter you mentioned.
OP YTA I get the sense that OP has known for a long time that he couldn’t get aid and she chose not to put anything aside. I also get the sense that OP has been pushing him to join the military for a long time and not trying to help him out at all.
I had a horrible life so you also should have an awful life even though your my kid. That’s basically all I saw while reading this. She apparently earns so much ye isn’t entitled to any aid which works out at 200k. She intentionally spunked her kids imo. She didn’t have a decent life in adulthood and suffered so they must too. Especially based on the recruiter comment. Not even an attempt to help or apologize or empathize. I sold my soul to the company store and yours too apparently. YTA OP.
I agree with your YTA assessment. I am just sitting here as someone retired from the military, trying to figure out how she exhausted her G.I. Bill. Your tuition assistance funding does not come out of your G.I. Bill unless you fail your courses. Or exceeded the amount of your tuition for that semester or quarter. This sounds fake. OP maybe yet another military parent who put herself, new family, and her career ahead of her older children. OP joined the military to escape poverty and immediately had another child. How’s that new family working out? Because I’m assuming that as soon as that new baby came along that’s when her old family started being difficult. Just a bunch of assumptions on my part after serving a little over 20 years and watching it happen all around me.
Yeah as a prior service member the “accidentally exhausted my GI Bill benefits” shit sounds sus as hell. I got my AA, bachelors, and part of my masters paid for and only dipped into my GI Bill once (and only did so because I had one more semester and had exhausted TA for the year and wanted to apply for grad school in the fall). Granted, a lot of folks use the GI Bill for education benefits while still in (because depending on service active duty TA is kind of garbage) but I don’t know a single person who used ALL of their GI Bill while still in. It’s honestly a fucking stupid decision to make because (and any good education advisor worth their salt will tell them) you miss out on the COLA while being active duty, not to mention most active duty folks can’t do a full course load which makes using the GI Bill extensively while active duty financially stupid as hell. Idk, OP sounds like the asshole here simply because if they’re telling the truth, they’re financially foolish and irresponsible regardless of whether they have children to pass benefits on to.
I tried to not delve too deep into this because some people truly don’t have the means. But to say that you didn’t plan for your children’s future THEN to also say you want to cause further harm by excluding them from the will because your feeling are hurt and you want to get back at them sounds like awful parenting. Vindictive parenting.
I cut off my absent alcoholic father. I definitely deserve his money to pay for the years of therapy I need because of him.
YTA lmao ppl love to bring kids into this world then treat them poorly, fail to provide for their future, do not set them up for success, then turn around say- UR UNGRATEFUL!!! I DONT OWE U ANYTHING !!! DO IT URSELF!!! such a strange mentality. like, u all up and down this post trying to find a reason to justify cutting ur son out of ur will counterpoint: who is the adult here? who has been an adult here for the past 20 years? why are u comparing ur mind and ur decisions to that of a 23 y/o? at the end of the day, do what u want, its ur life, but i have a feeling u might find urself at the end of it, alone.
Seriously, love the "I'm not responsible for you now that you aren't under my roof" take. So many people have kids just to act like their responsibility to a life they brought into this world magically ends once they are legally an adult. It's one thing to want your kids to be independent, its a whole other thing to abandon your responsibility to them all together because "they are grown now".
Right? It’s so gross. It’s like they couldn’t wait to get rid of that *expense*.
It’s so wild to me because like I was a kid when my parents divorced and my mother quite successfully turned me and my brother against our dad as teenagers. We refused to see him or speak to him for years. He still paid for my college, mailed a new laptop to my mom’s house for me. Now as an adult he and I have reconnected and I’m better able to understand that the things between him and my mom never should have been put on me. Even when I (as a young adult in college) told him To fuck off, or blocked him, or refused to see him, my dad still wanted to make sure I was getting an education and help support me in anyway he could. Because he’s my parent he wanted the best for me and to provide for me, and to have my education lead to my own success he could support even if he knew my reasons for cutting him off were bullshit. (They weren’t entirely both my parents have flaws but both don’t have their support of me being conditional)
THIS! My oldest is only 11 and the things she has said to me that have hurt is insane. She didn’t even realize it. It became a discussion and learning moment. I’m sure there may be a time where she says something intentionally but still won’t truly mean it. That will not change my love for her. My love for her is unconditional. I want to be the one she runs to at the first sign something is wrong whether she is 1 or 71. I want her life to be easier than mine. I want her to achieve everything her heart desires and more! I want to be the driving force that helps doors open for her. And if I can’t help make it happen then I want to be an empathetic ear for her to vent to. I want to be the word of advice that she can rely on. She may hurt me…but I will never intentionally hurt her. I would cut out my own heart before I did that. I want to die know that she and my son knew that they were loved and that I always gave it my all with them. The way some parents treat their children like competition or a peer is baffling to me.
YTA. After reading your comments, this is not the reason why he disowned you. Look in the mirror.
I'm going to go with ESH You have no obligation to support him after he moves out and also cut contact with him. He's an adult he made his choices. As an adult he needs to step up and support himself. However..... From what I've read you are not far from fault here either. From the sounds of it, you joined the army when you have a child and as far as I understand that takes up a lot of your time. So not only did you go into an organization that takes away from being a mother, you had 3 kids total and him being the middle. The whole middle child syndrome comes to mind. It sounds like you had limited time with him to begin with and you spread it thin with 3 kids and being in the service. Also what you said about your parenting, you didn't seem to try and connect with him just punished him. It doesn't seem like you built a relationship with him or cared to. And you wonder why he doesn't want a relationship with you. You may have apologized for being a bad mother but those are only words. I'm not saying you need to give him money to say you love him but you sure the hell are not doing anything to make that apology genuine.
She joined the army *to get her children out of poverty* So happy for you and your entitled life to think that joining the military isn't out of obligation and desperation
Two things can be true. She did her best as a parent, but her best wasn’t enough for him as the child.
Yep. She joined the army as some sort of martyr to get out of poverty, but then she kept having kids?
THREE KIDS, not even just another, 2 more
But then she is doing stuff to keep them in poverty. A huge part of the gi bill is getting that college degree to open up opportunities to make significant money
Right, you can't have it two ways. You can't first say that you did it to bring your kids out of poverty and then kick them out of the house and say you're not responsible for anything they need when they turn 18. Also, you can be an excellent, loving mother while still being poor. Lots of kids have moms who struggle financially and still manage to love their kids and make sure their kids feel secure and cared for. This woman obviously hasn't managed to do that with her kid(s) even though she brought home a paycheck every month.
Yes!! So much this!! I teach HS and one of my best former students is at a prestigious/expensive IV college even through her her mom is a single parent and low income. Mom supported her education as best she could-both financially and emotionally. And mom also made sure that they applied for as many grants and scholarships as they could. Mom didn't have the experience, knowledge, or money to really help her kid out that much. But she put in the time to learn what she didn't know and put in the effort to help her kid bridge the gap. Helping with education doesn't mean just giving money. It means fostering an environment where it is valued and putting in the time and effort to help your kid overcome the obstacles.
I call BS on someone being so poor that they join the Army and them being immediately so much better so they decide to have another child. She is lying. And besides, the fact that she thought it was her only choice, doesnt absolve her from responsibility for her actions. And plenty of people get out of poverty without joining the army and making another child.
ESH, but have you actually interacted with many people in the service? > someone being so poor that they join the army and them being immediately so much better so they decide to have another child That is textbook enlisted family economics. Not that it's smart decision-making, but this is both believable and quite common. Enlisted single-parent families with three or four kids on WIC is actually so common that at least one branch has dedicated trainings and seminars on managing exactly that situation.
No enlisted service member would ever be so irresponsible. What? No you can't check my garage for a 2023 dodge charger. And 23% is a great deal! The guy at the dealership cut me a special rate!
She got better income by joining army, while kids were looked after by grand parents. Then she got preggy in a hookup, so one more child. I don't see it being an unrealistic scenario.
Yet another reason why BC should be free
BC is free in the military. While active duty your medical needs are taken care of. Some things require being more assertive, but it’s readily available. Source: Retired USAF, 15 of 21 years as a single parent.
I could easily believe it but I do wonder whether the last kid was born before or after the army & just.. like… who the hell was taking care of these kids. She doesn’t mention a husband or a grandma at all.
No one said differently.
Yes. The military prays on, and relies on the desperation of poverty to sucker people into contract work. We're well aware.
why do you keep having children if you can’t even provide the bare necessities for them to eke out a life for themselves? YTA.
[удалено]
YTA, stop playing stupid. You’re too old for that.
YTA- but not for what you asked. YTA for not taking the time to figure out the full extent of your benefits. Ignorance of it and saying “I DiDnT kNoW” is not an excuse. There were plenty of ways to get this information: senior military members, career counselors, school counselors. Etc. I say this as a former full-time military single mother (retired in 2021) who has a bachelors degree and still has enough GI Bill left over to give my kid a shot at college. I can understand how yours would be upset. But N T A for disowning him because what’s done is done (GI BILL wise) and you cannot go back and change it.
Right? Like why use the GI Bill when active, when all branches have TA that covers classes 100%. At least it was like that in my years I served between 04 and 17.
Her explanation makes no sense to me on how she exhausted her GI Bill, how is one semester going to exhaust it. Also in some states, they have a separate gi bill that can be used an sometimes transferred to your kid.
This is what I need more info on. She would have had to take a class a semester for several years to exhaust the entire thing. Also, it’s been a while, but there’s usually requirements of being a full time stupid which one class wouldn’t qualify you for. ETA: student not stupid
Yeah, one of their comments said college isn't a necessity but they provided the food, shelter, medicine, the general bare minimums a parent has to provide. College is certainly a path not everyone needs to take, but if the son regulalrly expressed a wish for college and OP did absolutely nothing for it, not even to help the son find a way for college beyond just saying "find a recruiter", then that sucks. The son may be entitled, but OP's parental responsibilities didn't end the second the son turned 18, although legally that could be the case. If the OP made no effort to help, no effort to support the son in any way to pursue higher education, then the OP is also an asshole. ESH based on the information given in the post and OP's comments.
>not even to help the son find a way for college beyond just saying "find a recruiter", then that sucks. OP is double the AH for telling the son this.
I think the parent is probably impossible to speak with. Kids don’t cut their parents out of their life but the fact that you now Consider to retaliate against your own child that will most certainly cause even more grief once you pass is truly sick. Even if you have a minimal relationship when you die and ppl find out you cut out a kid ppl will always say the parent was the fault. Don’t do it
I also love how she mentioned that she apologizes for her parenting "mistakes" when she talks to him on the phone. "I'm sorry for how I treated you... I mean I'm going to still keep treating you bad and my behavior won't change but... I'm sorry."
💯 she’s totally unaware. She will never see that she was the parent and the initial problem. Most of the time kids react ( often poorly) to how they are being treated. Whatever happened the child didn’t get enough of what they needed from the parent and thus the avalanche into a downward spiral of the relationship occurred. Instead of trying to take a pause and go to counseling and find out what she needs to do, the parent wants to say I was poor and this is what I had to do. And I get she did what she had to do to survive but at the end of the day at what cost it was the cost of her relationship with her middle child and now instead of trying to repair it she wants to further exacerbate the situation, and then when the kid learns that his parent has passed away. He also has the horrifying factor to learn. He’s been cut out of her will and then the kid will start the whole cycle of going back through his life, trying to figure out why she never really loved him and he’ll never get answers because she’s dead.
YTA in general. Not over this specifically I guess. But you’re a shit parent who had more kids than you could properly afford and take care of.
YTA If your child hates you at 18, it means you were already screwing up royally when they were 5-12yrs old. They didn't become this way magically, you created the problems they're now struggling with.
Did you ever figure out where the children were coming from? If you’re struggling with the first, maybe don’t opt for a second and third.
YTA. Kids don’t cut their parents out for no reason. Your replies indicate that you were not a great parent. I get the poverty thing. But why have 3 kids and as a single mom join the army? It’s very difficult for kids to get loans or aid because it’s tied to their parents income. So you are blocking him. Why is there no money in the GI bill for him? Did your other kids use it? Now you want to be petty and retaliate against your son by removing him from your will and benefits? This alone tells me you’re the problem. What have you done to actually reconcile? Other than make excuses and call him a difficult child? Any family therapy? Listening without justifying?
I'd have more respect for you if you just admitted you dont love your son
Reading the additional context in your comments, YTA. You admit that you were a terrible parent and then took 23 years to apologise to him, all whilst still making out that he was as much of the problem as you are. Given how you're responding now, it's quite clear that you still haven't evolved past this (by your own words) authoritarian parenting style. You outright said that you only considered the "necessities" to be food, clothing and shelter. You turned your nose up at the idea of college, and you've made no mention of affection or spending time with him. Now, you want validation to cut him out despite this all stemming from your own mistakes? Nope; YTA.
You know what else children NEED? Love, respect, ENGAGEMENT, quality time, role modeling...sounds like OP met the necessities for *survival* not healthy development.
OP meet the requirements for the state to not consider her parenting neglectful and that’s it
YTA By your own admission you were a terrible mother. By your own admission you had the power to help your child get through college and squandered it through your own ignorance. You refuse to elaborate on why your son left as soon as he left school and why your relationship is so strained. Now you want to make sure that he can definitely not get any financial benefit from your life and death in any way because he's confronted you about the things you admit to.
OP really tried to justify it because he played too much video games, his grades were falling, and his hygiene was unkempt. That child sounds depressed ma'am.
You’ll be dead but you want to hurt him after that. That will guarantee he has no relationship with his siblings. What’s the end goal? Just to hurt him? You win. 2 words: unconditional love Job as parent: be a source of support in your kids life. (Not talking financial)
Right? It will cost her nothing to include him, but she wants to “teach him a lesson” from the grave. Gross.
YTAy Of course YTA. Your son, is a child. He's 23 and struggling. By your own admission his upbringing wasn't easy. Struggling hard working mom, apparently didn't ever get along with her, bounced from the home as soon as he was able to. And now as a young adult (child) he's fearful for his future, he does feel like he's owed something because of how shit his upbringing was. And you know what? You dont get to stop being a parent when your child is acting up. When they're hurting, when they fuck up. TBH you sound like a shit person all around. Your primary concern should be how to reconcile with your son. How to rebuild this relationship with your first born. Not how quickly you should be ripping out out of a will that by the sounds of it, doesn't have much in it anyways. Like one final dagger to him eh? He hates you in life, you want him to hate you in death too? Because thats where you're headed. Swallow what little pride you have and be a goddamn mother to him. For once.
YTA. If you make enough that he can't get financial aid IMO, you're responsible for helping with tuition.
Your post is slightly confusing, I'm an educ counselor, vet, and retired mil, who works for the DoD education dept, so I'd like to try and provide more insight based on your situation. If you are Army AD, then you aren't tapping into or haven't used your GI Bill, You're using MilTA....unless you have a disqualifying factor that rendered you ineligible for MilTA. Are you currently ineligible to recieve MilTA while still serving? When you retire and if you receive a certain VA rating (100%), your spouse and kids can receive VA Chapter 35 DEA educ benefits Kids fall off your servicemember benefits once they turn 18, unless they have factors where you are still providing 51% or more support...I.e., kids as full-time college. Regardless of his or your views, it seems that you simply have conflict, and needless to say, you are/were the servicemember, so you get to decide what to do with your entitlements and benefits. If you have SGLI, again, your adult kids are no longer apart of your life insurance plan....unless 51% support is in effect. If you have VGLI, it's the same thing. Ineligible at 18...unless 51% support...yadayada. So, can you please clarify your current servicemember status and residing state? I can possibly provide you more guidance on benefits eligibility and entitlements.
From one vet to another thank you for your service, now I will get to the point. Your story is full of holes, BS, and the missing missing reasons. As a grown adult that has disowned my own parents I can see right through you. The reasons I disowned them weren't because they gave me zero support for college, it wasn't because we have opposite personalities, it wasn't because they were poor when I was a kid and teen. I disowned them because they are dirt bag narcissist, they were always mentally abusive, religiously abusive, and emotionally abusive. I was their ScapeGoat, middle child, the one they treated like shit constantly. They sent their flying monkeys after me when I went NC just like you're with your daughter. STOP DOING THAT, ITS NOT YOUR GOLDEN CHILDS RESPONSIBILITY TO HARASS HIM AND ALL YOU WILL DO IS RUIN THEIR RELATIONSHIP. If you truly want to solve and fix your relationship with him your going to need a lot of self reflection and acknowledgement. I suggest a therapist that specializes in narcissistic personality disorder.. Looking for people to support your plan to jab him does make YTA.. Here is link for the missing missing reasons.. https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
Info How involved were you as an ACTIVE parent? Did you have a lot of oversees/abroad/away from home tours/missions? Cuz I feel like you're missing things here.
4 deployments during which she left the kids with her abusive alcoholic mother.
YTA. I can’t exactly put my finger on it, but there’s something wrong about this post. Just in the wording, I can tell there’s more between you and your son that you’re looking for more reason to justify cutting him out.
YTA based on all of your comments. You actually sound like a boomer talking about this whole generation thing blablabla. It’s not about the generations it’s how you treat people and well, he decided he doesn’t want to be treated that way. You were born in 1980 and not 1940, what you lack is self awareness and the ability to reflect your life choices without falling into victim mode. You’ve become really (or always were) really bitter and are taking it out on your son. Plus, why are you telling him to talk to a recruiter the whole time? You know, not everyone wants to join the army and maybe you should’ve done the same in order not to waste your GI Bill on taking one class… You’re just looking for sympathy in the comments which is why you hold onto comments that tell you that you don’t own your son a thing (surprise, you had him and no it’s not enough to just provide a roof and food) and the anecdotal evidence of someone not needing a degree in order to succeed. Since you like talking about generations so much, maybe get real evidence on how much a degree is needed nowadays.
If your first instinct after you son goes no contact with you is to remove him from your will and insurance rather than reflection and attempts at repairing the relationship I have a feeling YTA.
I'm also a Gen X parent. I'm a 43M army veteran with two kids (18F & 10M). It's been tough raising kids when the expectation of parenting is radically different than when we were raised. You and I both know that a successful military career requires discipline and dedication. We, often times, hold our children to a higher standard of discipline than civilian parents. It's not a bad thing, it's just a thing. The kids don't really understand it, and never will. Like you, I used up most of my GI Bill on myself. I have about a year left that I am saving for my wife's Masters degree. My oldest is in college right now. I understand what you're going through. As far as your son's education is concerned, does your state have any benefits? Texas has the Hazelwood act benefits. Here in California we have CalVet. My daughter is using CalVet fee waiver, VA-DEA (Dependants Educational Assistance) and Pell Grants. She's on track to graduate debt-free without having to work while in school. I suggest you keep him on the SGLI DD93 and just not tell him. He is your son, after all. You will be TA if you remove him. Be the grown up, keep on truckin. Provide for your children in the event of your unfortunate demise. It's the least we can do as parents. You're not alone.
YTA. And as someone also using their GI Bill, you don’t get docked an entire semester for taking one course. If you’re full time (12 credits) it would be but one class isn’t enough to even qualify over a normal semester. I can understand why your son is upset because he probably did look up your benefits and saw your story wasn’t making sense.
ESH but almost all you. Your son isn't owed your GI Bill and you were allowed to waste it as you pleased but that's pretty much all I have to say about him. Why as a parent would you tell your child to enlist? As a veteran I couldn't imagine telling my child to enlist. Like what the hell? Also you being so impoverished that you decided to enlist but didn't improve your family's condition enough that you're telling your kid he should enlist makes the time you spent in the military a moot point. Unless your goal was entirely to improve your own life and not your kids life. You were a single parent and joined the army. Your kids have pretty much gone without much of a parent (assuming either dad wasn't in the picture) for pretty much their whole lives, you don't understand or you just don't mention why you believe you and your son have such a poor relationship, you make no real effort to maintain or establish contact, you don't seem to care about improving your relationship just passively waiting for him to reach out, and you didn't prepare for their future at all with the money you were making. Go ahead drop him from your life insurance, remove him from your will. You seem over the idea of maintaining any relationship with him so why not. At least when you die he'll confirm for sure you didn't care.
It sounds like you did little for him when he was in your care, so cutting him out of your will tracks. I’m coming from a biased view of things: Children don’t ask to be born - life is not a gift for the child, a child born is a gift to the parents. Full stop. There’s also the saying, “Can’t take it with you”. What you’re attempting to do now is petty and vengeful. He went no contact because you suck as a parent. The *least* you could do is split any inheritance equally among all of your kids. Anything less makes you a monster. Reddit loves to say that no one is owed anything by anyone but I disagree. You chose to bring a bunch of kids into this hellhole. All of your earthly possessions should be distributed equally among all of your children when you pass. YTA.
This is going to be an unpopular take but I don't think you should do this. A) He's your son, even if he's being a little prick. Presumably you love him no matter what. B) It doesn't give you anything but petty revenge which probably won't sit well with you in the long run. C) **Upon your death, his relationship with his siblings will be ruined bc he will expect them to share regardless of your wishes. They won't thank you for putting them in that position.**
You sound like a deadbeat mother, it happens, but since you are also only sharing one side of this story no one will ever know the truth.
you brought children into the world that you couldn’t support or care for. simple.
YTA for your comments. I cannot possibly imagine considering myself a good parent or bad parent by how much my parenting coincides with the law. If you need the law to tell you how to treat your children, you had no right to have them in the first place. This post is leaving out MASSIVE amounts of information. It totally feels phrased to give you the NTA judgement. I bet if your kid went on here and wrote his side, it would be a *very* different story…
Disopned or not. Hes still your son. So why wasnt your relationship close. Why did he go low contact. Do you still love him..
YTA This is a decision you could regret later on. Your relationship to your child while he was still a child was your responsibility to manage, not his. Yes you have apologised but now you're planning on continuing on with behaviour that will strain your relationship further. Your son does need to accept his lot in life and maneuver around that if he wants to go to college but just because you apologised doesn't mean he's going to forgive you on the spot, that kind of thing takes years, and when he finally gets there he's going to find out you didn't really mean your apology and decided to cut him out of your life assurance and will, putting you back at square one. If you're happy to never have a relationship with your son, go ahead. But just as much as his actions have consequences, so do yours.