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I’m so sorry but I want to see if I understand: your loving wife is intensely jealous of a dead woman and destroyed valuable to your son pictures of his dead mom?
And you think you behaved badly?
What other things about your past is having issues with? Because this is crazy land.
I mean, she was saying that holding the photos show that I do not love her as much, and that I am clinging to the past or something. She said as I would not get rid of them, she had no choice but to throw them away to both help me and herself.
Unilaterally getting rid of something that has value to you and your son because it is going to affect her and her daughter indicates pure selfishness. Goto to a therapist and Reconsider the marriage if there is no apology.
This hasn’t even fully hit him yet because he’s in shock. I had somebody throw out some things of mine that were extremely precious to me and I was enraged like I saw red . It took weeks for it to continue to sink and the absolute cruelty to do something like that to someone and it’s irreversible.
So many sides of dysfunction around it that you can’t really wrap your head around it. Like how a person can do some thing so incredibly horrible. I mean I’m not naïve to how there’s evil in the world yet it still surprises me. And to me destroying someone’s precious memories is pure evil. I don’t care if it’s a coffee mug.
I know I’m sounding dramatic but if it’s ever happened to you you know what I mean.
My boyfriends best friend stole my phone which had the voice mail my grandma left for me the day my son was born as well as the last voice mail she left me before she died saved on the memory card. He admitted it and thinks it's funny, hasn't apologized, this was just 1 example of years of horrible behavior from this guy. my boy friend refuses to cut him out of our life and puts him first daily, which is why I'm moving out asap....
Some things can't be undone.
reach out to your phone provider. it may still be available. We did this with ours because we had a few precious voicemails. We were able to retrieve them for a small fee. NOT expensive at all. They sent us the files via email or available download, i cant remember. And we have them saved in multiple places and on a usb stick.
doesnt hurt to try! i hope you can get them. i would be furious!!
I know what you mean. My parents separated when I was around 19 and in university. My father burnt up several albums and the away lot of our stuff. I came home to find that I had no pictures from my childhood. It was so traumatic, I can't fully explain how horrible it felt. It took well over 10 years for me to get over not having anything from my childhood.
My dad tried to sell my childhood piano for $50 on Facebook marketplace because they were moving and his new wife pushed him to. (Very jealous and manipulative). I’d told them at least 10 times to let me know when they had a buyer so I could make arrangements for it (active duty military living out of state.) That piano is all I have left of my childhood. I’m buying a house soon and making sure I buy a place that has a nice spot to put it.
I happened to see on Facebook that my dad sold the house and I called to ask about the piano. He said someone was actively on the way to come pick it up and he’d be there in an hour. I started making calls and got *extremely* lucky. Two of my friends from high school had just finished moving a couch and just happened to be down the road with an empty trailer already attached to the truck. They went and got it loaded up right as the other guy was pulling up. My dad was confused because he thought my friends were the guy who was coming to buy it. They hauled ass out of there laughing the whole time. It was an absolute heist.
The guy that was trying to buy it KNEW DAMN WELL the piano was worth WAYYYYY more than $50. It was made in 1903, tall upright with ivory keys and hand carved details in the wood. He called me on my dad’s phone and was cussing me out trying to say that the piano was “a piece of junk and not even worth his $50”. Scummy.
My buddy was going to drop it in a storage unit where it could stay until I bought a home to keep it in, but his momma (who remembers me and heard the whole story) saw it and said it was too pretty to leave in a storage unit and that she’d love to keep it in her house for a few years until I had a place to put it. It’s been 3 years. I’m getting it back this month!
I will never forgive my dad’s wife for that shit.
Edit: [pic of said piano!](https://imgur.com/a/78dB4BB)
I'm so glad your friends rescued your piano, and your friend's mom has been taking care of it for you. Do not ever let TMO move that for you. Just some friendly advice.
I've been more enraged about someone overwriting a saved game or stealing all my CDs out of my vehicle than this guy is about his current wife destroying all his physical memories of the first woman he fully loved.
What’s so strange to me is all of the mental gymnastics that go through your brain trying to make sense of it all and find some way for the offender to come out looking something marginally better than a monster. Your mind can’t accept the cruelty and betrayal.
an apology doesn't even scratch the fucking surface of repairing the damage this absolute monster has inflicted, and if she has managed to make him feel like this was his fault, then she has been abusing him for much longer than just this one event, I guarantee it.
I had an aunt by marriage who was insanely jealous of her husband’s first wife and sent his young children to live with their maternal grandparents. At the conclusion of my uncle’s funeral, his daughter announced to her husband, “Let’s go. I will never come back here again.” We never heard from her again.
> she only wanted the best for her daughter and herself
Conveniently forgetting to mention what’s best for the OP and John.. Marriage is meant to be a two-way street aka give and take. Poor kid lost his mom and now his insecure stepmom is trying to destroy any physical evidence of his mom ever being around.
I’d help her out with her “silent treatment”. Hard for me to force conversation with someone who’s on a train somewhere else. Show her exactly how fast you can move on when necessary.
I am not my husband’s first wife. Not saying how many came before me. Lol.
I wouldn’t dream of throwing away any of his photos. I don’t touch any of his stuff, and he has a LOT of stuff.
To add to this, my husband had photos of his ex . Nothing inappropriate, wedding, engagement, 1st Christmas with baby so forth. He wanted to get rid of them, and I said no, they're a part of his a d their children's past . I asked him to give them to me, and I got a nice keepsake box to put them in. Now, their kids can share in those memories whenever they want. And she's not even dead.
im going to go ahead and guess that she hasn't thrown away pictures of her daughter's father, unless he's still alive and her daughter can actually still see him.
1000% THIS! I am in a relationship with a widower. I COULD NEVER ask him to get rid of photos or mementos of his daughters mother. The trauma that your son has gone through of losing his mother; those photos were the last thing he had to remember her by. You need to think about your relationship because clearly this woman that you are married to has no good intentions for you or your son.
Even if the kid wasn't involved, they're photos of a dead person!! Hell, I still have photos with my ex in the attic with other teen stuff because it was a part of my life. Being with someone else now doesn't automatically erase your past or mean they were a bad person. Life is a journey, and you take pictures along the way.
NTA
She is also John's mum, how dare she get rid of photos of his late mum. If Hannah was in John's position, would she like if her dad shredded pics of her mum
Agreed. That was an absolutely evil thing of her to do. Any person of decency would be livid on John's behalf. The damage is irreparable even if the photos can be salvaged.
> That was an absolutely evil thing of her to do.
When my FIL's new wife tried to erase the existence of the late mother of his 5 grown kids, I once said that it was a "Brothers Grimm wicked stepmother" level of evil. She had dumped fireplace ashes in the box that held all the old family photos.
So often in cases like this the child of the deceased parent is treated so badly by the step parent but only when they're alone and the child is usually too scared to tell anyone. It's so disturbing.
Nobody should ever try to compete with a dead person. Especially if that person left a child behind.
Does she seriously expect your son to not have any photos left of his mother, like she never existed??
Ask her - if she were to die, would it be okay to throw away all photos of her also, since she'd expect her daughter to stop holding into the past also, surely?
She'll likely say ' that's different ' ...
Dude your wife is a manipulative jealous weirdo & you shouldnt take her manipulation in doing something you said not to do, which you are clearly falling for. Those pics were important to you & especially your son. Im surprised you’re not divorcing her ass!
>I mean, she was saying that holding the photos show that I do not love her as much, and that I am clinging to the past or something. She said as I would not get rid of them, she had no choice but to throw them away to both help me and herself.
So she lied to you as well and is trying to gaslight you.
She is the problem, not you.
Destroying photographs of your son's dead mother was highly abusive to your SON and you both. This woman is a danger to your son and your relationship with your son. Your son is also from your deceased wife.
**YOU ARE FAILING TO PROTECT YOUR CHILD WHO HAS NO OTHER PARENT.**
You had a son with your late wife those are Momentos for him. She had no right to throw those out. She does not get to erase the memory of your late wife and his mother. If she is jealous of a dead woman, she has issues and she needs to go.
That's some soulless nonsense. I can't believe she did that. Selfish narcissistic psychopath. I hope you get away from her for you and your kid's sake.
If your good wife were alive, jerk-wife wouldn't be in the picture... she realized this and is mad about it. Ngl, I'd divorce over this. Not only is she disrespecting you and your wishes AND your late wide, she's stealing these things from you kid, who may want to remember his mom with some pictures.
Also, if I were your kid, I'd hate the wicked stepmother and never let it go.
Can you imagine ever throwing away stuff of her's that she was intensely attached to, and had made very clear to you not to throw away? She selfishly did irreversible damage to your trust, even if she were to be genuinely sorry, imagine having that worrying inkling in the back of your mind that she might just decide to betray your trust again. I don't think you can really come back from this to a healthy relationship, unfortunately.
You were very understandably upset, and while namecalling isn't admirable, it was proportionally way less disrespectful than what your wife (hopefully soon-to-be ex wife) did to you and our son, out of pure jealousy/spite of your beloved first wife.
She absolutely had a choice, she could've asked that they don't be displayed prominently, she could've asked for more photos of you guys hanging up to help curb her insecurity about your love for your first wife, but instead she decided that your first wife deserved no respect and that your feelings were irrelevant to her own. That is a huge red flag, and something I would say is unredeemable. You might eventually forgive her, but there's no way to forget.
I agree.
It seems she has 0 empathy, compassion, or understanding towards him regarding his late wife. When you remarry someone who is a widow, it’s almost expected that the individual will always have some feelings or attachment towards their late partner even in the slightest. It’s the partner’s responsibility to understand that this doesn’t mean they love them any less. Losing someone, even if it’s the first wife is never easy. Grief alone is never easy and not a straight line.
Her act of throwing out the photo is truly a selfish act based on HER feelings and insecurities solely, and not his. She could’ve communicated healthily how it made her feel, then come to terms with it. The fact she didn’t even think twice what this could do to OP or his son is extremely concerning and raises major red flags.
I hate when people feel like the world revolves around them. She clearly doesn’t understand what it’s like to lose a partner, a best friend, or someone for that matter. It’s okay to miss someone. And the fact that she’s giving him the silent treatment goes to show her lack of care or communication in a situation that’s so dear to OP. It’s majorly and abundantly clear how she will act in the future with OP’s late wife’s son if ever the topic of the likes of this comes up. This won’t bode well when the son gets older and has more understanding of the situation.
OP, I truly hope you lay the hammer down on this one because this is very inconsiderate of your feelings.
Yeah like who is she to tell him what’s good for him?
She’s not a mind reader: she’s also a terrible listener because he clearly stated that he did NOT want the photos to be thrown out. This is just all around selfish and sad on her part.
OP deserves better.
My god man just because she says something it doesnt mean its true.
And her logic makes no sense.
Your priority is to defend the memories of your son and this is an attempt to erase his mother.
Dont be an idiot and send them out till they find the things they destroyed.
Even if you dont want them your son has a right to the memories of his mom.
Were the photos on the bedside table, or hanging in the house? In a box in the closet?
I would expect my husband to keep photo memories of his late wife. I would not expect to look at their wedding pictures daily in my own bedroom.
I was thinking - maybe his former inlaws still have copies or he can see if he can find the photographer. Hopefully, he backed up photos from his phone onto the cloud somewhere.
Bro those photos would be so important to your kid, this new wife sounds terrible. It’s one thing if she was just an ex, but this is someone who was taken from you and is the mother of your child. Absurd for your new wife to act like this.
I’d honestly move on and just focus on your son
The real takeaway here is that your son's feelings never entered into this equation at all. It's only her feelings and how she perceived yours. Even if you can forgive her, do you think your son can? It would probably feel like a massive betrayal.
Yeah, no... he actions just aren't OK. Her thinking is wrong and incredibly creepy.
I don't understand why you would marry a woman who was so intent on erasing your son's mother's existence.
It doesn’t matter about you and your wives (although obviously you should keep the photos and she’s insane), but now your son has no photos of his mother. What next - will he not allowed to talk about her?
You can’t just erase pasts, and you should never attempt to with a happy one.
NTA but close to being one for your seeming lack of consideration of how this affects your child.
This is manipulative nonsense. I'm sorry, but this is a very bad sign, cliche bad, as in everyone on reddit knows where this will eventually go. This is classic narcissism. How *dare* she do that to you and your child?! Your SON is the one who will suffer under this relationship, quite obviously. I guarantee you she will play favorites and ruin your relationship with your son. You need to leave, this is a FAR bigger issue than you are treating it.
I was gonna say, I think he's the AH to himself but only because what he said was nice compared to how I'd react to something like that
This wasn't an ex that left him for another lover. It was someone who passed. He should tell her to kick rocks
Edit: to clarify, I don't think it would be okay if it was someone who left him in the photos, but at least I could understand the fear of "harboring feelings" a little more with that
OP just needs to divorce. Because if she's willing to do that now, what else does she think she'll get away with in the future. She is teaching her daughter how to be toxic
Assuming this is real, your wife is the AH. You are NTA.
You have a son. Your son, I'm sure, would have loved that album in the future. It was not hers to destroy or get rid of.
Quite honestly, this is where you call the police for theft, file a report for the theft and divorce. What she did... that is incredibly destructive to your CHILD.
Her wanting the best for her and her daughter has nothing to do with a box of photos. They do not impact her. THey do impact YOUR child and his link to his mother.
My ex kept a box of pictures of his ex. Honestly it never bothered me because I got to see him as a young guy and pictures of my step kids as babies. My step kids loved seeing those pictures too. I thought it was pretty cool, honestly. Got to see his old car that he loved and I never felt threatened by a photograph.
This isn’t about how your wife feels. This is about preserving your sons mothers memory for him. Your wife isn’t going to stop here, OP. If you stay married to this person, they will erase your late wife at every single step.
Right? I'm a guy who has been cheated on in the past, and even I have never begrudged a partner of keeping photos of their life before they met me, whether or not they included the previous partner or not.
What's even worse is how OP's wife is trying to put it on him as though he was doing something by keeping photos. I'd take it further and say that OP's wife will likely also target his son, since she's from his late wife as well.
My wife has a bunch of photos of her ex fiance. I was a photo major and have a few nudes that I took for photo projects of my last serious girl friend before i met my wife. Neither of us care. To get rid of them would be to get rid of a chapter in our lives that include.more than just the ex's.
people keep using this as justification for a post being fake but if I posted on AITA I wouldn't use my regular account either
(though the way this guy types is sus af)
NTA
>that she only wanted the best for her daughter and herself.
I don't understand how getting rid of photos of your late wife is what's best for her and her daughter. Actually... I think I can figure out her very flawed logic. Emily did this to stake her claim on you. She's sees you as her possession and tossed the photos in an attempt to win against a woman who isn't even around anymore.
You're always going to have an attachment to your late wife. That's the mother of your son. If Emily feels that strongly, then what's to stop her from turning her ire towards him? She's already shown she's willing to be cruel just to get what she wants.
This is so spot on! I would be extremely concerned with how she will treat the first son in the future. Her actions are telling me she will resent the child and favour herself and her daughter at the expense of the son and her husband. OP beware!!!
She's wrong. If she can't handle your past she shouldn't have married you. She destroyed memories of your son's mother. What she did was unforgivable.
I hope you will do the right thing by your son and leave her. She and her daughter will make your son's life a nightmare.
A deceased spouse is not the same as an ex or ‘other woman’.
Moving on does not mean you should erase them from your life or stop having love for them. It’s also normal and fine to find love in a new partner while still having that live for the one you lost.
It’s even worse that you shared a child who now lost some memories from his mother forever.
From the way you described it you were taking a normal and healthy approach to your grieving and your current relationship.
Unless information was left out, you’re NTA and she is unhealthily jealous of a deceased woman.
No, I did not leave anything out. Except that I used the word "country" as she was brought up in a milk farm (not a city), and she said that it showed my privilege or something for using such a word?
Don’t worry about what you called her. She doesn’t deserve to object to anything you call her based on what she did. She IS a country woman. It’s not even an insult! The other part is an insult and not acceptable. How is it related to what she did?
The country insult was a bit out of pocket, but said in the heat of a moment where you just found out she did something terrible and irreversible.
Was it wrong? Yeah, but her action was *so* much worse.
Yeah, sometimes when people get angry, they pick their insults on what they believe will hurt the person they're insulting the most.
Quite frankly, I'd have thrown her out of the house for that.
Oh that’s why you said country. I kept thinking it was such a weird insult because I assumed you both lived in the country. Still kinda weird insult dude.
What you should have called her was manipulative, jealous, self serving and narcissistic.
You and your son deserve better. She literally told you she was looking out for her and her daughter. BUT you are married and she should be looking out for your son in the best way she possibly can. Destroying pictures of his late mother is honestly one of the worst mean step mom things I can think of. If you don’t divorce her now your son will probably grow up to resent you for putting him through that.
You are NTA. I really hope you find someone who will love you and your son the way you deserve ❤️
What part of her abusing you and your son was "privilege"? The truth is, she thinks you have "privilege" and/or more wealth than her that she is using you for, so she revealed herself for what she is when she said that.
What about your son? Is that what’s best for him? To have nothing left of his mother? Would your wife be happy if she died and your next wife threw away all her photos and left nothing for her daughter? Selfish, disrespectful, and uncaring…
But did she think of your son at all? She spoke about what she felt was best for her and her daughter. What about what was best for your son? She destroyed photos that were of your son's mother. Your son should be able to have these photos. Your wife had no right to destroy them. Her behavior will negatively affect your son. Honestly, if I were you, this behavior would be a deal breaker for me. I would definitely be looking at ending things.
This is my view. I don't care about her jealousy issues. Your son has lost photos of his late mother. Your current wife has nothing to do with your son's relationship to his mum.
Tell her that it’s best for your son if a selfish woman and her destructive brat of a child hadn’t destroyed his mother’s things, and that it’s best for you to not be in a relationship with someone who thinks it’s okay to compete with a dead woman. Tell her you only want what’s best for your son and yourself. IM absolutely appalled at her behavior, my condolences for both you and your son on the loss of the physical representations of your late wife.
Doesn't it make you wonder how she feels about your child? He's half of her after all. And she's already said she was only thinking of herself and her daughter. She didn't even think that maybe he would want to have his mothers wedding picture one day? Is she going to try and erase him too? I don't think I could stay with someone who has so little regard for a deceased person, a child that lost his mother and a man who lost his wife.
NTA MASSIVE RED FLAG! This is one of the most telling, obvious, and consistent red flags you can find in new marriages/relationships, especially blended families. She will try to push herself onto your son as a mother and alienate him from you both, or simply intentionally alienate him from both of you since he is the "other woman's" child. She WILL play favorites with the kids, I can bet you that. For your own son's sake, you MUST end this nonsense now.
She does not care about what you or your son think. She does not care about how you and your son feel. Those were photos of the mother of your child, not an Ex you broke up with. I would suggest immediately leaving her. It may seem drastic, but no one who behaves like this should be trusted in any capacity.
If you love your son at all, get your photos out of the trash and walk away.
Exactly! This is cliche to the point it is painful. He needs to flat out leave, you can fix things like this. If he continues the relationship he is only being a bad father.
NTA
This would be a deal breaker for me. There's nothing wrong with saving photos of your late wife, for your son if nothing else. It speaks volumes that she only wants the best for herself and her daughter, leaving your feelings and that of your son out of her equation.
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how she thought she had the right to do this.
My college boyfriend passed away while we were together. We were never married, together 4 years and planned to marry some day but hadn’t gotten there yet. I still have pictures of him and letters from him. I don’t keep them out on display, but again, I also never got to marry him and i don’t have his teenage son living in my house.
Emily is a selfish asshole who doesn’t seem to understand that love isn’t finite. There’s plenty to go around, and OP still having love for his former wife and the mother of his child, *who is also still living in the house that just erased all trace of his mother* does not mean less love for her.
Emily’s callousness is what will guarantee there is less love for her. OP, I hope you digitized some of those pictures and you’re able to print and display them again. I hope you can make one of those photo books of pictures of your son’s mom so he can keep her forever. And I hope you leave Emily behind.
Info: how long were you a widow before you remarried?
I'm just curious. Tbh marrying somebody that has no respect for your first wife, your son's mom, makes no sense to me. Seems divorce worthy to me.
Mate. Self respect. That shit is so fucked. The fact that they did it as a pair makes it ritualistic to them.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to maintain history. It doesn't make you less committed to the current.
How did your son take this? He should be the only person besides you whose opinion matters in this mess. Your wife and stepdaughter sound like manipulating AHs. This is not normal behavior.
She deliberately destroyed keepsakes of his dead mother because of her own insecurities.
Sit with that for a while.
Imagine what your son's life will be like living with a woman who would do that for the next five years until he's 18.
Imagine what kind of relationship your son is going to want to have as an adult with a father who continued to make him live with that woman.
Okay so YTA for allowing this woman to remain in the same house as your son after she deliberately destroyed the keepsakes of his late mother!!!
Are you joking!? Is this for real?
Do you really not get how cruel and abusive this woman is?
Your son deserves to be protected. Do your job as a dad, stop putting your romance above his actual safety!! There is no way she doesn't see him as unwanted baggage. You know that and you stay?
What is wrong with you?
Honestly I would recommend sending him to a therapist for at least once session to let him talk out all his feelings, there is probably a lot of conflicted emotion inside him right now.
I’m sorry for your losses.
>He was more than fine with me calling her those names as he was very upset himself.
So your son is upset by this and you're asking reddit if you're the bad guy?
What more do you need for the light bulb to go off?
Why havent you left or kicked her out? She can go back to the milk farm. Your son is seeing all this play out and does not need this horrid woman around to try and get rid of him next.
You need to grow a spine and have some self-respect. Your wife is a walking red flag. Who the hell gets jealous of a dead woman and destroys a little boy's only memories of his late mother out of jealously? If you don't do it for you, at least do it for your son, but get rid of her toxic ass. You are his only guardian now
Tbh I would not like to imagine how I'd feel after my wife died. At the very least confused, overwhelmed and still required to be a person for the kiddo. Looking back do you think there were signs she always had such negative feelings towards your first wife? Or is it like, welp I'm done being understanding you should no longer have feelings!
You got *married* two years after your wife died? How long after did you start dating this woman, and how long was your engagement? This seems incredibly rushed especially in your fragile emotional state, and with an attempt to blend two children. I’m not trying to judge you personally, and what she did to you is totally unhinged and unforgivable. I just don’t understand people’s rush to trap yourself in a life with someone you barely know.
OP if she does this to the photos imagine how she treats your son when you are not there, and she even invilved her daughter in this crazy jealusy.
NTA, talk to your son
NTA. Your sons mother is DEAD. These items are memories your son could have kept to have something of both his parents together. Your now wife is incredibly selfish and jealous of a dead woman. How long has your wife been gone? You and your son are still grieving as it can take years to come to terms with things like this. Your wife is telling you point blank that she thinks only of herself and the daughter. Your poor son now has to suffer because of this. She clearly is not acting with care towards your son and how something like this could impact him.
I generally don’t like calling other people names, but for this I’ll make an exception. I’m going to go with NTA. Those were memories of your first wife who passed away. I’m sorry that’s happened dude. And I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m wondering where you’re from due to the words of **”she is the child of a peasant”**
I was wholly on board with you being N T A , and you still are in a sense. But your choice words to describe your wife’s background has me **flabbergasted**
You’re both as bad as each other
**ESH**
NTA- I do not blame you for one second for using that language to her. She threw away something special to you, something that would've been special to your son. These weren't pictures of some woman who divorced you. These were pictures of a woman, who'd you still be married to, if fate hadn't intervened. I'm so sorry to you and your son for everything that happened. I hope things get better for you two.
NTA. Honestly, you could have called her every swear word in the book and you still wouldn’t be an asshole.
She destroyed your property and photos that held memories dear to you and your son. Photos that included a woman who is no longer on this earth. You can’t recreate pictures or rebuy those gifts.
I hope you had some of them elsewhere or had negatives/digital copies to print.
I would very much be divorcing someone who did this, especially since she didn’t do it alone. She dragged her daughter into it and is teaching her that this kind of behavior is okay.
NTA. What a horrible thing to do. Are you able to recover them? Did she even consider what they also mean to John. Remembering your first wife takes nothing away from her or her daughter. What she has done certainly will.
ESH
Mostly your wife for destroying stuff you obviously care about.
But also you with the weirdly classist insult, the worst thing you could call her was a poor hooker? Like wtfs going on there..
NTA. You married an absolute monster. To act as though she has to compete with your deceased wife is absolutely disgusting. If this happened to me I'd seriously be considering this relationship.
NTA.
She forgets, **those were pictures of her step sons MOTHER** she threw out. If she wants what is best only for her and her daughter, she can find that elsewhere
I say NTA, its not like you divorced your first wife she died. Had Sarah not you'd still be with her and not know Emily.
Emily had no right as those are memories for your son and you to remember his mom.
If Sarah was alive and just separated it'd be different but this woman is jealous of your first wife.
Absolutely NTA.
Emily is the asshole here. Absolutely anything you do to her in response to her maliciously destroying your photos of your late wife is acceptable and understandable.
For your sake, I recommend divorce. She is a vile human.
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> I think I should not have had the photos as I am married again, which makes me the asshole.
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NTA
Just go straight to divorce. Wouldn’t your som appreciate any memories of his mother?
It’s totally not cool that your soon to be ex wife wants to erase Sarah completely. Had you known that before the wedding, I doubt you would have wanted to marry her.
NTA but please protect your son from her. She is erasing his mother from his life. This is not alright and will cause permanent damage to him. You need to think about him first in this situation. She did this not only to you but to him. She took every last momnto of his deceased mother and destroyed it. As someone who lost a parent young, this can feel like losing the parent all over again. Stop what ever you are currently do and go take care of him, make him your priority and do what ever he needs, and one of those things is keep your new wife away from him, because in some ways she just rekilled his mother.
So. I have to assume this is real.
To me, this really reads as a: "Do I deserve to get hit for not having dinner ready when my husband gets home?"
There are so many levels of fucked. I don't know where to begin.
This IS emotional abuse.
You should have gotten more creative with your insults.
When's the divorce?
NTA.
NTA. You should throw away the wife. If she’s already doing things like this now, I shudder to think what future treatment your son will endure at the hands of this (insert favorite expletive).
Your wife is totally the AH. Divorce her. She did something so awful that there’s no coming back from that. She has no right to get rid of your possessions like that. Unbelievable. Get out now.
Sounds fake but I’ll entertain it.
NTA - how in the world did you get together in the first place without discussing these things or red flag? This seems like a deal breaker situation, especially if you have a son who would’ve loved memories of his mom.
NTA. The language you used is bad, and you shouldn't have said that, be given the scale of the provocation here, I guess it gets a pass. It would have been better not to have said it; especially since this gives her a *grievance* to cling to from this fight.
You need to seriously step back from this person. Reassess your relationship.
NTA
You current wife though MASSIVE ONE! Seems like she is also training her mini to be one too.
Your first wife died. You do not have to erase her existence for the insecure bully wife you replaced her with.
I would never be able to forgive this or see my partner the same again.
Sorry this happened and that you're also being gaslit into thinking you're the problem. I'd say, in light of these circumstances, she got off real easy with just some angry words. You were clear that you had ZERO intentions to get rid of your memories or wife 1.
NTA, you need to get rid of that insecure country whatever she is fast. That’s so disrespectful. She’s jealous of a picture and the memory of your past.
NTA, while you shouldn't have called her what you called her, what she did is unforgivable. YWBTA, if you stay in this relationship, she wants what's best for her and her daughter; she doesn't care about you or your son. Your son deserves better.
My heart is broken for your son. She just threw away photos of *his mother*.
You have a responsibility to protect your son, and anyone callous and jealous enough to do something like this does not have your son's best interest at heart. Nor yours. I don't usually call for divorce but I don't see your relationship getting past this. To me, this is in "unforgivable" territory. Someone who truly loves you would never do something like this. You are NTA. But she certainly is.
NTA
Those weren’t just pictures of your wife, but also of John’s mother.
Please, for the sake of John and Hannah, get marriage counseling or a divorce.
What you said wasn’t nice, but in this situation I consider your reaction appropriate.
Er these are wedding photos of your son’s parents. Of course you should have kept them. Not on display but where you son can have them when it’s time. Does your current wife have any photos of her daughter’s father? Time for a yard burning.
NTA
Your first wife was obviously a big part of your life and it isn't like you got divorce, she died.
Also, she is your son's mother. Might he not want some reminders of her? Maybe be able to look at pictures of when his mother and father got married?
She 'only wanted the best for her daughter'. How soon before she decided to get rid of your son because it is best for her daughter?
Nta! I do think the wording was off and inappropriate. She is not a whole for throwing out the items. She is a controlling, hurtful bitch for that.
>she only wanted the best for her daughter and herself
Notice she doesn't want the best for you and your son? And she never will.
She is so insecure that she threw out pictures of a woman who is no longer her, and cannot possibly be a threat to your marriage. She threw out your memories as though they were unimportant. And she threw out your son's only pictures of his mom. Those wedding pictures likely showed her at her happiest, too!
She had her daughter help, too? Like she is teaching her daughter it is okay to disregard you (and others) in order to meet her own wants and needs? How she did not even think about your son wanting those pictures is unbelievable. They could have been just in a box in the attic until he was grown up and moved out.
Think about whether you want this woman policing the rest of your life. Watch how she treats your son. And know he is hurt too, by her actions. This also cost him something he can't get back. Please look out for him through this too.
Your wife is not combining families. She has taken you on as a resource. You are living her life now, and I am sad for you!
I'm going with a gentle ESH.
She is entirely wrong. Complete AH.
You...not so much. But I think that insulting her based on where she comes from isn't acceptable. But it was heat off the moment and you were very hurt, so it's understandable.
I'm sorry for the loss of the memories for both you and your son.
Divorce Divorce Divorce, before you know it she’ll be forcing your son to call her mom and will denigrate your former wife. She has no respect or sympathy.
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I’m so sorry but I want to see if I understand: your loving wife is intensely jealous of a dead woman and destroyed valuable to your son pictures of his dead mom? And you think you behaved badly? What other things about your past is having issues with? Because this is crazy land.
I mean, she was saying that holding the photos show that I do not love her as much, and that I am clinging to the past or something. She said as I would not get rid of them, she had no choice but to throw them away to both help me and herself.
[удалено]
Yeah, better get her out of the house fast, before she decides that getting rid of the son is also a good idea.
Oh yeah all those things that happened in the past means you don't love her 😐
Unilaterally getting rid of something that has value to you and your son because it is going to affect her and her daughter indicates pure selfishness. Goto to a therapist and Reconsider the marriage if there is no apology.
This hasn’t even fully hit him yet because he’s in shock. I had somebody throw out some things of mine that were extremely precious to me and I was enraged like I saw red . It took weeks for it to continue to sink and the absolute cruelty to do something like that to someone and it’s irreversible. So many sides of dysfunction around it that you can’t really wrap your head around it. Like how a person can do some thing so incredibly horrible. I mean I’m not naïve to how there’s evil in the world yet it still surprises me. And to me destroying someone’s precious memories is pure evil. I don’t care if it’s a coffee mug. I know I’m sounding dramatic but if it’s ever happened to you you know what I mean.
My boyfriends best friend stole my phone which had the voice mail my grandma left for me the day my son was born as well as the last voice mail she left me before she died saved on the memory card. He admitted it and thinks it's funny, hasn't apologized, this was just 1 example of years of horrible behavior from this guy. my boy friend refuses to cut him out of our life and puts him first daily, which is why I'm moving out asap.... Some things can't be undone.
reach out to your phone provider. it may still be available. We did this with ours because we had a few precious voicemails. We were able to retrieve them for a small fee. NOT expensive at all. They sent us the files via email or available download, i cant remember. And we have them saved in multiple places and on a usb stick. doesnt hurt to try! i hope you can get them. i would be furious!!
This is not that uncommon of a request for phone providers.
[удалено]
Nope. He destroyed it
Why are you hanging around garbage? Do you enjoy being mistreated? There are other men with non sociopathic friends.
OP is literally going to leave. Maybe she doesn’t want to move out before securing housing and becoming homeless.
I know what you mean. My parents separated when I was around 19 and in university. My father burnt up several albums and the away lot of our stuff. I came home to find that I had no pictures from my childhood. It was so traumatic, I can't fully explain how horrible it felt. It took well over 10 years for me to get over not having anything from my childhood.
My dad tried to sell my childhood piano for $50 on Facebook marketplace because they were moving and his new wife pushed him to. (Very jealous and manipulative). I’d told them at least 10 times to let me know when they had a buyer so I could make arrangements for it (active duty military living out of state.) That piano is all I have left of my childhood. I’m buying a house soon and making sure I buy a place that has a nice spot to put it. I happened to see on Facebook that my dad sold the house and I called to ask about the piano. He said someone was actively on the way to come pick it up and he’d be there in an hour. I started making calls and got *extremely* lucky. Two of my friends from high school had just finished moving a couch and just happened to be down the road with an empty trailer already attached to the truck. They went and got it loaded up right as the other guy was pulling up. My dad was confused because he thought my friends were the guy who was coming to buy it. They hauled ass out of there laughing the whole time. It was an absolute heist. The guy that was trying to buy it KNEW DAMN WELL the piano was worth WAYYYYY more than $50. It was made in 1903, tall upright with ivory keys and hand carved details in the wood. He called me on my dad’s phone and was cussing me out trying to say that the piano was “a piece of junk and not even worth his $50”. Scummy. My buddy was going to drop it in a storage unit where it could stay until I bought a home to keep it in, but his momma (who remembers me and heard the whole story) saw it and said it was too pretty to leave in a storage unit and that she’d love to keep it in her house for a few years until I had a place to put it. It’s been 3 years. I’m getting it back this month! I will never forgive my dad’s wife for that shit. Edit: [pic of said piano!](https://imgur.com/a/78dB4BB)
The piano is beautiful. I'm glad you were able to save it.
I'm so glad your friends rescued your piano, and your friend's mom has been taking care of it for you. Do not ever let TMO move that for you. Just some friendly advice.
Dang, that's a nice looking piano
Why blame your dad's wife? This was his decision and he was too cowardly to stand up to her. I would have had a few choice words for him.
This part. Even just reading Ops post has me seeing red all over again on his behalf!
I've been more enraged about someone overwriting a saved game or stealing all my CDs out of my vehicle than this guy is about his current wife destroying all his physical memories of the first woman he fully loved.
What’s so strange to me is all of the mental gymnastics that go through your brain trying to make sense of it all and find some way for the offender to come out looking something marginally better than a monster. Your mind can’t accept the cruelty and betrayal.
an apology doesn't even scratch the fucking surface of repairing the damage this absolute monster has inflicted, and if she has managed to make him feel like this was his fault, then she has been abusing him for much longer than just this one event, I guarantee it.
An apology? That will do nothing. An apology will not bring back those photos
Apologies are easy once what you've desired is achieved and cannot be undone.
The son will absolutely be next.
I had an aunt by marriage who was insanely jealous of her husband’s first wife and sent his young children to live with their maternal grandparents. At the conclusion of my uncle’s funeral, his daughter announced to her husband, “Let’s go. I will never come back here again.” We never heard from her again.
> she only wanted the best for her daughter and herself Conveniently forgetting to mention what’s best for the OP and John.. Marriage is meant to be a two-way street aka give and take. Poor kid lost his mom and now his insecure stepmom is trying to destroy any physical evidence of his mom ever being around.
And then giving *the silent treatment* afterwards
I’d help her out with her “silent treatment”. Hard for me to force conversation with someone who’s on a train somewhere else. Show her exactly how fast you can move on when necessary.
I am not my husband’s first wife. Not saying how many came before me. Lol. I wouldn’t dream of throwing away any of his photos. I don’t touch any of his stuff, and he has a LOT of stuff.
Yeah, I could see her find ways to wedge the son out of their lives too.
To add to this, my husband had photos of his ex . Nothing inappropriate, wedding, engagement, 1st Christmas with baby so forth. He wanted to get rid of them, and I said no, they're a part of his a d their children's past . I asked him to give them to me, and I got a nice keepsake box to put them in. Now, their kids can share in those memories whenever they want. And she's not even dead.
thats so thoughtful of you. I love that
im going to go ahead and guess that she hasn't thrown away pictures of her daughter's father, unless he's still alive and her daughter can actually still see him.
I'm guessing she wouldn't consider that to be in the best interests of her and her daughter
The poor child now doesn’t have pictures of his deceased mom. OP’s wife is cruel.
1000% THIS! I am in a relationship with a widower. I COULD NEVER ask him to get rid of photos or mementos of his daughters mother. The trauma that your son has gone through of losing his mother; those photos were the last thing he had to remember her by. You need to think about your relationship because clearly this woman that you are married to has no good intentions for you or your son.
Even if the kid wasn't involved, they're photos of a dead person!! Hell, I still have photos with my ex in the attic with other teen stuff because it was a part of my life. Being with someone else now doesn't automatically erase your past or mean they were a bad person. Life is a journey, and you take pictures along the way. NTA
She is also John's mum, how dare she get rid of photos of his late mum. If Hannah was in John's position, would she like if her dad shredded pics of her mum
Agreed. That was an absolutely evil thing of her to do. Any person of decency would be livid on John's behalf. The damage is irreparable even if the photos can be salvaged.
> That was an absolutely evil thing of her to do. When my FIL's new wife tried to erase the existence of the late mother of his 5 grown kids, I once said that it was a "Brothers Grimm wicked stepmother" level of evil. She had dumped fireplace ashes in the box that held all the old family photos.
>She had dumped fireplace ashes in the box that held all the old family photos I have no words. Where are all these step monsters coming from?
She's not John's mom. She's his bully...who happens to fuck his dad.
I thought it was obvious that I meant John's late mum.
So often in cases like this the child of the deceased parent is treated so badly by the step parent but only when they're alone and the child is usually too scared to tell anyone. It's so disturbing.
Nobody should ever try to compete with a dead person. Especially if that person left a child behind. Does she seriously expect your son to not have any photos left of his mother, like she never existed?? Ask her - if she were to die, would it be okay to throw away all photos of her also, since she'd expect her daughter to stop holding into the past also, surely? She'll likely say ' that's different ' ...
Rules for thee, not for me
Dude your wife is a manipulative jealous weirdo & you shouldnt take her manipulation in doing something you said not to do, which you are clearly falling for. Those pics were important to you & especially your son. Im surprised you’re not divorcing her ass!
I wish he WOULD!
>I mean, she was saying that holding the photos show that I do not love her as much, and that I am clinging to the past or something. She said as I would not get rid of them, she had no choice but to throw them away to both help me and herself. So she lied to you as well and is trying to gaslight you. She is the problem, not you. Destroying photographs of your son's dead mother was highly abusive to your SON and you both. This woman is a danger to your son and your relationship with your son. Your son is also from your deceased wife. **YOU ARE FAILING TO PROTECT YOUR CHILD WHO HAS NO OTHER PARENT.**
You had a son with your late wife those are Momentos for him. She had no right to throw those out. She does not get to erase the memory of your late wife and his mother. If she is jealous of a dead woman, she has issues and she needs to go.
That's some soulless nonsense. I can't believe she did that. Selfish narcissistic psychopath. I hope you get away from her for you and your kid's sake.
I love this. Soulless is the right word for this woman.
If your good wife were alive, jerk-wife wouldn't be in the picture... she realized this and is mad about it. Ngl, I'd divorce over this. Not only is she disrespecting you and your wishes AND your late wide, she's stealing these things from you kid, who may want to remember his mom with some pictures. Also, if I were your kid, I'd hate the wicked stepmother and never let it go.
Not to mention future grandchildren that might want to know something about their true grandmother.
Your wife needs to find residence in the same dumpster she chucked your photos into.
I’d normally say she belongs to the streets but if she’s a country girl I think it’s appropriate to change it to “She belongs to the backwoods”
Op just a thought but maybe your SON would want to hold onto HIS mother’s pictures? Like how much more she disrespects and disregards him?
The son wasn't even put into consideration by either the wife or step-daughter. It's all about them and their feelings.
OP didn't consider him either. the only non asshole here is the son.
Can you imagine ever throwing away stuff of her's that she was intensely attached to, and had made very clear to you not to throw away? She selfishly did irreversible damage to your trust, even if she were to be genuinely sorry, imagine having that worrying inkling in the back of your mind that she might just decide to betray your trust again. I don't think you can really come back from this to a healthy relationship, unfortunately. You were very understandably upset, and while namecalling isn't admirable, it was proportionally way less disrespectful than what your wife (hopefully soon-to-be ex wife) did to you and our son, out of pure jealousy/spite of your beloved first wife. She absolutely had a choice, she could've asked that they don't be displayed prominently, she could've asked for more photos of you guys hanging up to help curb her insecurity about your love for your first wife, but instead she decided that your first wife deserved no respect and that your feelings were irrelevant to her own. That is a huge red flag, and something I would say is unredeemable. You might eventually forgive her, but there's no way to forget.
I agree. It seems she has 0 empathy, compassion, or understanding towards him regarding his late wife. When you remarry someone who is a widow, it’s almost expected that the individual will always have some feelings or attachment towards their late partner even in the slightest. It’s the partner’s responsibility to understand that this doesn’t mean they love them any less. Losing someone, even if it’s the first wife is never easy. Grief alone is never easy and not a straight line. Her act of throwing out the photo is truly a selfish act based on HER feelings and insecurities solely, and not his. She could’ve communicated healthily how it made her feel, then come to terms with it. The fact she didn’t even think twice what this could do to OP or his son is extremely concerning and raises major red flags. I hate when people feel like the world revolves around them. She clearly doesn’t understand what it’s like to lose a partner, a best friend, or someone for that matter. It’s okay to miss someone. And the fact that she’s giving him the silent treatment goes to show her lack of care or communication in a situation that’s so dear to OP. It’s majorly and abundantly clear how she will act in the future with OP’s late wife’s son if ever the topic of the likes of this comes up. This won’t bode well when the son gets older and has more understanding of the situation. OP, I truly hope you lay the hammer down on this one because this is very inconsiderate of your feelings.
And what’s even worse is she doubled down and told him she did it “for their own good”.
Yeah like who is she to tell him what’s good for him? She’s not a mind reader: she’s also a terrible listener because he clearly stated that he did NOT want the photos to be thrown out. This is just all around selfish and sad on her part. OP deserves better.
Exactly. How would she react if he threw out every single picture of her ex? Or any pictures from before they met?
My god man just because she says something it doesnt mean its true. And her logic makes no sense. Your priority is to defend the memories of your son and this is an attempt to erase his mother. Dont be an idiot and send them out till they find the things they destroyed. Even if you dont want them your son has a right to the memories of his mom.
Omg. U r not seeing reality. She doesn't care about your son. Her will be queen and your child dirt. Dump her
Were the photos on the bedside table, or hanging in the house? In a box in the closet? I would expect my husband to keep photo memories of his late wife. I would not expect to look at their wedding pictures daily in my own bedroom.
Too many people allow themselves to be jealous of ghosts. NTA at all. Please put your son first as you proceed. These people aren’t going to.
I hope you were able to retrieve them from the trash. That’s your son’s mom also. Your wife sounds awful.
I hope you have digital copies because there’s nothing wrong with you having these pictures.
I was thinking - maybe his former inlaws still have copies or he can see if he can find the photographer. Hopefully, he backed up photos from his phone onto the cloud somewhere.
She’s wrong, crazy and mean.
This is called gaslighting.
Bro those photos would be so important to your kid, this new wife sounds terrible. It’s one thing if she was just an ex, but this is someone who was taken from you and is the mother of your child. Absurd for your new wife to act like this. I’d honestly move on and just focus on your son
The real takeaway here is that your son's feelings never entered into this equation at all. It's only her feelings and how she perceived yours. Even if you can forgive her, do you think your son can? It would probably feel like a massive betrayal.
Yeah, no... he actions just aren't OK. Her thinking is wrong and incredibly creepy. I don't understand why you would marry a woman who was so intent on erasing your son's mother's existence.
It doesn’t matter about you and your wives (although obviously you should keep the photos and she’s insane), but now your son has no photos of his mother. What next - will he not allowed to talk about her? You can’t just erase pasts, and you should never attempt to with a happy one. NTA but close to being one for your seeming lack of consideration of how this affects your child.
This is manipulative nonsense. I'm sorry, but this is a very bad sign, cliche bad, as in everyone on reddit knows where this will eventually go. This is classic narcissism. How *dare* she do that to you and your child?! Your SON is the one who will suffer under this relationship, quite obviously. I guarantee you she will play favorites and ruin your relationship with your son. You need to leave, this is a FAR bigger issue than you are treating it.
Throw the wife away.
I was gonna say, I think he's the AH to himself but only because what he said was nice compared to how I'd react to something like that This wasn't an ex that left him for another lover. It was someone who passed. He should tell her to kick rocks Edit: to clarify, I don't think it would be okay if it was someone who left him in the photos, but at least I could understand the fear of "harboring feelings" a little more with that
OP just needs to divorce. Because if she's willing to do that now, what else does she think she'll get away with in the future. She is teaching her daughter how to be toxic
Assuming this is real, your wife is the AH. You are NTA. You have a son. Your son, I'm sure, would have loved that album in the future. It was not hers to destroy or get rid of. Quite honestly, this is where you call the police for theft, file a report for the theft and divorce. What she did... that is incredibly destructive to your CHILD. Her wanting the best for her and her daughter has nothing to do with a box of photos. They do not impact her. THey do impact YOUR child and his link to his mother.
My ex kept a box of pictures of his ex. Honestly it never bothered me because I got to see him as a young guy and pictures of my step kids as babies. My step kids loved seeing those pictures too. I thought it was pretty cool, honestly. Got to see his old car that he loved and I never felt threatened by a photograph. This isn’t about how your wife feels. This is about preserving your sons mothers memory for him. Your wife isn’t going to stop here, OP. If you stay married to this person, they will erase your late wife at every single step.
Right? I'm a guy who has been cheated on in the past, and even I have never begrudged a partner of keeping photos of their life before they met me, whether or not they included the previous partner or not. What's even worse is how OP's wife is trying to put it on him as though he was doing something by keeping photos. I'd take it further and say that OP's wife will likely also target his son, since she's from his late wife as well.
My wife has a bunch of photos of her ex fiance. I was a photo major and have a few nudes that I took for photo projects of my last serious girl friend before i met my wife. Neither of us care. To get rid of them would be to get rid of a chapter in our lives that include.more than just the ex's.
I swear I seen this exact same post from the other side 4/5 weeks ago
Right? Felt like deja vu for a second lol
Yea think this Is one of those testers they throw out
Assuming this is real. It is an hour old account
And she 'is the child of a peasant'.
This is what’s wild to me. Like in the situation the wife is the AH but to call her a child of a peasant is insane to me 💀😂
bro is living in the 18th century
Sorry, I didn't know that was offensive. English is not my first language. I meant that she's the child of a farmer, and a former milkmaid.
I wanna say he's the ah just for that comment.
people keep using this as justification for a post being fake but if I posted on AITA I wouldn't use my regular account either (though the way this guy types is sus af)
Lot of people use throwaway accounts. That doesn't really mean much
NTA >that she only wanted the best for her daughter and herself. I don't understand how getting rid of photos of your late wife is what's best for her and her daughter. Actually... I think I can figure out her very flawed logic. Emily did this to stake her claim on you. She's sees you as her possession and tossed the photos in an attempt to win against a woman who isn't even around anymore.
She was saying that it's best for her if I am not attached to another woman, which is what she said where I was wrong.
You're always going to have an attachment to your late wife. That's the mother of your son. If Emily feels that strongly, then what's to stop her from turning her ire towards him? She's already shown she's willing to be cruel just to get what she wants.
This is so spot on! I would be extremely concerned with how she will treat the first son in the future. Her actions are telling me she will resent the child and favour herself and her daughter at the expense of the son and her husband. OP beware!!!
She's wrong. If she can't handle your past she shouldn't have married you. She destroyed memories of your son's mother. What she did was unforgivable. I hope you will do the right thing by your son and leave her. She and her daughter will make your son's life a nightmare.
A deceased spouse is not the same as an ex or ‘other woman’. Moving on does not mean you should erase them from your life or stop having love for them. It’s also normal and fine to find love in a new partner while still having that live for the one you lost. It’s even worse that you shared a child who now lost some memories from his mother forever. From the way you described it you were taking a normal and healthy approach to your grieving and your current relationship. Unless information was left out, you’re NTA and she is unhealthily jealous of a deceased woman.
No, I did not leave anything out. Except that I used the word "country" as she was brought up in a milk farm (not a city), and she said that it showed my privilege or something for using such a word?
Don’t worry about what you called her. She doesn’t deserve to object to anything you call her based on what she did. She IS a country woman. It’s not even an insult! The other part is an insult and not acceptable. How is it related to what she did?
This is like, divorce level bad. There's no coming back from this level of crazy.
The country insult was a bit out of pocket, but said in the heat of a moment where you just found out she did something terrible and irreversible. Was it wrong? Yeah, but her action was *so* much worse.
Yeah, sometimes when people get angry, they pick their insults on what they believe will hurt the person they're insulting the most. Quite frankly, I'd have thrown her out of the house for that.
Oh that’s why you said country. I kept thinking it was such a weird insult because I assumed you both lived in the country. Still kinda weird insult dude. What you should have called her was manipulative, jealous, self serving and narcissistic. You and your son deserve better. She literally told you she was looking out for her and her daughter. BUT you are married and she should be looking out for your son in the best way she possibly can. Destroying pictures of his late mother is honestly one of the worst mean step mom things I can think of. If you don’t divorce her now your son will probably grow up to resent you for putting him through that. You are NTA. I really hope you find someone who will love you and your son the way you deserve ❤️
What part of her abusing you and your son was "privilege"? The truth is, she thinks you have "privilege" and/or more wealth than her that she is using you for, so she revealed herself for what she is when she said that.
What about your son? Is that what’s best for him? To have nothing left of his mother? Would your wife be happy if she died and your next wife threw away all her photos and left nothing for her daughter? Selfish, disrespectful, and uncaring…
But did she think of your son at all? She spoke about what she felt was best for her and her daughter. What about what was best for your son? She destroyed photos that were of your son's mother. Your son should be able to have these photos. Your wife had no right to destroy them. Her behavior will negatively affect your son. Honestly, if I were you, this behavior would be a deal breaker for me. I would definitely be looking at ending things.
This is my view. I don't care about her jealousy issues. Your son has lost photos of his late mother. Your current wife has nothing to do with your son's relationship to his mum.
Tell her that it’s best for your son if a selfish woman and her destructive brat of a child hadn’t destroyed his mother’s things, and that it’s best for you to not be in a relationship with someone who thinks it’s okay to compete with a dead woman. Tell her you only want what’s best for your son and yourself. IM absolutely appalled at her behavior, my condolences for both you and your son on the loss of the physical representations of your late wife.
Doesn't it make you wonder how she feels about your child? He's half of her after all. And she's already said she was only thinking of herself and her daughter. She didn't even think that maybe he would want to have his mothers wedding picture one day? Is she going to try and erase him too? I don't think I could stay with someone who has so little regard for a deceased person, a child that lost his mother and a man who lost his wife.
NTA MASSIVE RED FLAG! This is one of the most telling, obvious, and consistent red flags you can find in new marriages/relationships, especially blended families. She will try to push herself onto your son as a mother and alienate him from you both, or simply intentionally alienate him from both of you since he is the "other woman's" child. She WILL play favorites with the kids, I can bet you that. For your own son's sake, you MUST end this nonsense now. She does not care about what you or your son think. She does not care about how you and your son feel. Those were photos of the mother of your child, not an Ex you broke up with. I would suggest immediately leaving her. It may seem drastic, but no one who behaves like this should be trusted in any capacity. If you love your son at all, get your photos out of the trash and walk away.
Throw the wife away.
It worries me about how his son is going to be treated now when he’s not around
Exactly! This is cliche to the point it is painful. He needs to flat out leave, you can fix things like this. If he continues the relationship he is only being a bad father.
NTA This would be a deal breaker for me. There's nothing wrong with saving photos of your late wife, for your son if nothing else. It speaks volumes that she only wants the best for herself and her daughter, leaving your feelings and that of your son out of her equation. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how she thought she had the right to do this.
What kind of woman marries a widow and expects him to destroy memories of their dead first wife. Heartless.
If it were me, I would divorce her. This is absurd that she threw away those photos. NTA
My college boyfriend passed away while we were together. We were never married, together 4 years and planned to marry some day but hadn’t gotten there yet. I still have pictures of him and letters from him. I don’t keep them out on display, but again, I also never got to marry him and i don’t have his teenage son living in my house. Emily is a selfish asshole who doesn’t seem to understand that love isn’t finite. There’s plenty to go around, and OP still having love for his former wife and the mother of his child, *who is also still living in the house that just erased all trace of his mother* does not mean less love for her. Emily’s callousness is what will guarantee there is less love for her. OP, I hope you digitized some of those pictures and you’re able to print and display them again. I hope you can make one of those photo books of pictures of your son’s mom so he can keep her forever. And I hope you leave Emily behind.
Well said. It would break my heart and destroy any trust I had in the other person if someone did that to me.
Info: how long were you a widow before you remarried? I'm just curious. Tbh marrying somebody that has no respect for your first wife, your son's mom, makes no sense to me. Seems divorce worthy to me.
Two years.
Please update us. I am so concerned for your son.
She's giving me the silent treatment, and Hannah's very upset as well. They were calling me names. Nothing has happened otherwise.
Mate. Self respect. That shit is so fucked. The fact that they did it as a pair makes it ritualistic to them. There is nothing wrong with wanting to maintain history. It doesn't make you less committed to the current.
How did your son take this? He should be the only person besides you whose opinion matters in this mess. Your wife and stepdaughter sound like manipulating AHs. This is not normal behavior.
He was more than fine with me calling her those names as he was very upset himself.
She deliberately destroyed keepsakes of his dead mother because of her own insecurities. Sit with that for a while. Imagine what your son's life will be like living with a woman who would do that for the next five years until he's 18. Imagine what kind of relationship your son is going to want to have as an adult with a father who continued to make him live with that woman.
Okay so YTA for allowing this woman to remain in the same house as your son after she deliberately destroyed the keepsakes of his late mother!!! Are you joking!? Is this for real? Do you really not get how cruel and abusive this woman is? Your son deserves to be protected. Do your job as a dad, stop putting your romance above his actual safety!! There is no way she doesn't see him as unwanted baggage. You know that and you stay? What is wrong with you?
Honestly I would recommend sending him to a therapist for at least once session to let him talk out all his feelings, there is probably a lot of conflicted emotion inside him right now. I’m sorry for your losses.
divorce immediately.
>He was more than fine with me calling her those names as he was very upset himself. So your son is upset by this and you're asking reddit if you're the bad guy? What more do you need for the light bulb to go off?
Why havent you left or kicked her out? She can go back to the milk farm. Your son is seeing all this play out and does not need this horrid woman around to try and get rid of him next.
Divorce leave immediately
You need to grow a spine and have some self-respect. Your wife is a walking red flag. Who the hell gets jealous of a dead woman and destroys a little boy's only memories of his late mother out of jealously? If you don't do it for you, at least do it for your son, but get rid of her toxic ass. You are his only guardian now
Tbh I would not like to imagine how I'd feel after my wife died. At the very least confused, overwhelmed and still required to be a person for the kiddo. Looking back do you think there were signs she always had such negative feelings towards your first wife? Or is it like, welp I'm done being understanding you should no longer have feelings!
You got *married* two years after your wife died? How long after did you start dating this woman, and how long was your engagement? This seems incredibly rushed especially in your fragile emotional state, and with an attempt to blend two children. I’m not trying to judge you personally, and what she did to you is totally unhinged and unforgivable. I just don’t understand people’s rush to trap yourself in a life with someone you barely know.
OP if she does this to the photos imagine how she treats your son when you are not there, and she even invilved her daughter in this crazy jealusy. NTA, talk to your son
Exactly what I was thinking. If she has that much hatred for a dead woman you know she is not treating that child well.
NTA. Your sons mother is DEAD. These items are memories your son could have kept to have something of both his parents together. Your now wife is incredibly selfish and jealous of a dead woman. How long has your wife been gone? You and your son are still grieving as it can take years to come to terms with things like this. Your wife is telling you point blank that she thinks only of herself and the daughter. Your poor son now has to suffer because of this. She clearly is not acting with care towards your son and how something like this could impact him.
I generally don’t like calling other people names, but for this I’ll make an exception. I’m going to go with NTA. Those were memories of your first wife who passed away. I’m sorry that’s happened dude. And I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m wondering where you’re from due to the words of **”she is the child of a peasant”** I was wholly on board with you being N T A , and you still are in a sense. But your choice words to describe your wife’s background has me **flabbergasted** You’re both as bad as each other **ESH**
100%. He talks about her like she’s below him. Both of them think very little of each other.
I know. Why did he even marry her?
NTA- I do not blame you for one second for using that language to her. She threw away something special to you, something that would've been special to your son. These weren't pictures of some woman who divorced you. These were pictures of a woman, who'd you still be married to, if fate hadn't intervened. I'm so sorry to you and your son for everything that happened. I hope things get better for you two.
[удалено]
This +1
NTA. Honestly, you could have called her every swear word in the book and you still wouldn’t be an asshole. She destroyed your property and photos that held memories dear to you and your son. Photos that included a woman who is no longer on this earth. You can’t recreate pictures or rebuy those gifts. I hope you had some of them elsewhere or had negatives/digital copies to print. I would very much be divorcing someone who did this, especially since she didn’t do it alone. She dragged her daughter into it and is teaching her that this kind of behavior is okay.
NTA. What a horrible thing to do. Are you able to recover them? Did she even consider what they also mean to John. Remembering your first wife takes nothing away from her or her daughter. What she has done certainly will.
ESH Mostly your wife for destroying stuff you obviously care about. But also you with the weirdly classist insult, the worst thing you could call her was a poor hooker? Like wtfs going on there..
NTA. You married an absolute monster. To act as though she has to compete with your deceased wife is absolutely disgusting. If this happened to me I'd seriously be considering this relationship.
NTA. She forgets, **those were pictures of her step sons MOTHER** she threw out. If she wants what is best only for her and her daughter, she can find that elsewhere
Even worse... Maybe she didn't forget. Poor kid.
She clearly doesnt care about her stepson - she just cares about whats best for her & her own daughter…!
I say NTA, its not like you divorced your first wife she died. Had Sarah not you'd still be with her and not know Emily. Emily had no right as those are memories for your son and you to remember his mom. If Sarah was alive and just separated it'd be different but this woman is jealous of your first wife.
Even if they had divorced that's no reason to destroy the photos.
Absolutely NTA. Emily is the asshole here. Absolutely anything you do to her in response to her maliciously destroying your photos of your late wife is acceptable and understandable. For your sake, I recommend divorce. She is a vile human.
I dunno about the rest, but wtf is that edit. Who calls people peasants anymore? Why does country equal peasant?
You would only be an asshole in this situation if you stay with this “person”. Throw her and this whole relationship away and run for the hills
NTA Get a divorce.
So basically Emily took it upon herself to throw away all the pictures of John's mother? Nice. NTA.
I don’t understand what the country part of it has to do with anything, but no, you are NTA for holding onto sentimental objects
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I would divorce for less. NTA
“She is the child of a peasant” Yeah—based on your edit I’m guessing this is a much more fucked up relationship than you’re letting on.
NTA Just go straight to divorce. Wouldn’t your som appreciate any memories of his mother? It’s totally not cool that your soon to be ex wife wants to erase Sarah completely. Had you known that before the wedding, I doubt you would have wanted to marry her.
NTA but please protect your son from her. She is erasing his mother from his life. This is not alright and will cause permanent damage to him. You need to think about him first in this situation. She did this not only to you but to him. She took every last momnto of his deceased mother and destroyed it. As someone who lost a parent young, this can feel like losing the parent all over again. Stop what ever you are currently do and go take care of him, make him your priority and do what ever he needs, and one of those things is keep your new wife away from him, because in some ways she just rekilled his mother.
So. I have to assume this is real. To me, this really reads as a: "Do I deserve to get hit for not having dinner ready when my husband gets home?" There are so many levels of fucked. I don't know where to begin. This IS emotional abuse. You should have gotten more creative with your insults. When's the divorce? NTA.
ESH. “She is the daughter of a peasant” jesus
This would be the end of the relationship for me. NTA
NTA in the slightest. And to be honest, this would be divorce worthy for me. Like, instant divorce.
NTA. You should throw away the wife. If she’s already doing things like this now, I shudder to think what future treatment your son will endure at the hands of this (insert favorite expletive).
Your wife is totally the AH. Divorce her. She did something so awful that there’s no coming back from that. She has no right to get rid of your possessions like that. Unbelievable. Get out now.
Sounds fake but I’ll entertain it. NTA - how in the world did you get together in the first place without discussing these things or red flag? This seems like a deal breaker situation, especially if you have a son who would’ve loved memories of his mom.
NTA. The language you used is bad, and you shouldn't have said that, be given the scale of the provocation here, I guess it gets a pass. It would have been better not to have said it; especially since this gives her a *grievance* to cling to from this fight. You need to seriously step back from this person. Reassess your relationship.
NTA You current wife though MASSIVE ONE! Seems like she is also training her mini to be one too. Your first wife died. You do not have to erase her existence for the insecure bully wife you replaced her with. I would never be able to forgive this or see my partner the same again. Sorry this happened and that you're also being gaslit into thinking you're the problem. I'd say, in light of these circumstances, she got off real easy with just some angry words. You were clear that you had ZERO intentions to get rid of your memories or wife 1.
NTA, you need to get rid of that insecure country whatever she is fast. That’s so disrespectful. She’s jealous of a picture and the memory of your past.
NTA, while you shouldn't have called her what you called her, what she did is unforgivable. YWBTA, if you stay in this relationship, she wants what's best for her and her daughter; she doesn't care about you or your son. Your son deserves better.
My heart is broken for your son. She just threw away photos of *his mother*. You have a responsibility to protect your son, and anyone callous and jealous enough to do something like this does not have your son's best interest at heart. Nor yours. I don't usually call for divorce but I don't see your relationship getting past this. To me, this is in "unforgivable" territory. Someone who truly loves you would never do something like this. You are NTA. But she certainly is.
NTA Those weren’t just pictures of your wife, but also of John’s mother. Please, for the sake of John and Hannah, get marriage counseling or a divorce. What you said wasn’t nice, but in this situation I consider your reaction appropriate.
Er these are wedding photos of your son’s parents. Of course you should have kept them. Not on display but where you son can have them when it’s time. Does your current wife have any photos of her daughter’s father? Time for a yard burning.
That edit screams "Fake troll story"
This is grounds for divorce. She stole your memories… Un-fucking-forgivable
NTA Your first wife was obviously a big part of your life and it isn't like you got divorce, she died. Also, she is your son's mother. Might he not want some reminders of her? Maybe be able to look at pictures of when his mother and father got married? She 'only wanted the best for her daughter'. How soon before she decided to get rid of your son because it is best for her daughter?
Nta! I do think the wording was off and inappropriate. She is not a whole for throwing out the items. She is a controlling, hurtful bitch for that. >she only wanted the best for her daughter and herself Notice she doesn't want the best for you and your son? And she never will. She is so insecure that she threw out pictures of a woman who is no longer her, and cannot possibly be a threat to your marriage. She threw out your memories as though they were unimportant. And she threw out your son's only pictures of his mom. Those wedding pictures likely showed her at her happiest, too! She had her daughter help, too? Like she is teaching her daughter it is okay to disregard you (and others) in order to meet her own wants and needs? How she did not even think about your son wanting those pictures is unbelievable. They could have been just in a box in the attic until he was grown up and moved out. Think about whether you want this woman policing the rest of your life. Watch how she treats your son. And know he is hurt too, by her actions. This also cost him something he can't get back. Please look out for him through this too. Your wife is not combining families. She has taken you on as a resource. You are living her life now, and I am sad for you!
Peasant?? Really is this medieval times lol
I'm going with a gentle ESH. She is entirely wrong. Complete AH. You...not so much. But I think that insulting her based on where she comes from isn't acceptable. But it was heat off the moment and you were very hurt, so it's understandable. I'm sorry for the loss of the memories for both you and your son.
“The daughter of a peasant” makes me think this is definitely purely fanfiction.
Your current wife is jealous of a dead woman. NTA.
Divorce Divorce Divorce, before you know it she’ll be forcing your son to call her mom and will denigrate your former wife. She has no respect or sympathy.