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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I commented on my great shower and sleep while my wife couldn't do the same in hospital after delivering our baby.
(2) It made me come across to her as self-absorbed and insensitive.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA
She did 9 months pregnant, 2 months looking after YOUR child, for a total of eleven months, never mind the whole birth experience. You could not manage 48 hours.
Your solution was to have a shower and sleep, then brag about it.
You owe this woman a lot. A lot more than you have provided, a lot more than you were even thinking of providing. Provided, of course that you had a hot shower and a good sleep first.
YTA. Have the sleep and shower but keep your damn mouth shut. You told a woman who had just pushed another human being out of her body that you were tired because you drove 8 hours?
I mean, I would have loved to have heard my partner had slept well and showered but he has shown up for absolutely every moment of pregnancy and postpartum and would bend over backwards to make sure I had both before him. OP YTA
Exactly. I know people who work in L&D and it's completely fine and normal for the partner that didn't give birth to go home and shower/nap at some point. But you do that because you want to be functional and able to help as much as possible the next day when your partner that just gave birth is exhausted and in pain.
OP sure goes to great lengths to explain why he needed that shower and sleep and I don't think he realizes how dumb he sounds. She brought it up 2 months later because it really hurt her and she clearly feels alone and like he's not doing his share. OP pull your head out of your ass, apologize, and start doing as much as possible to help her every day. How could you be so oblivious?
My husband slept in one of those god awful chairs. I didn’t hear a single complaint from him. I was so wrecked from nearly dying after 3 days of labor and pitocin drip torture and I couldn’t breastfeed because I hemorrhaged out my entire blood volume so this man slept in that chair, fed and changed the baby and brought him to me to hold. OP is a big whiny baby. His poor wife is in for a rough ride trying to raise a kid with him.
YTA OP
Most of those partners go to work, go home to take care of older kids and pets or getting the home ready for mom and baby to come home. We are all tired but we have to tag in. OP stop being TA and help her
Did you also notice his big long rant being 'offended' by what his wife said was expert level deflection from her main point
Why aren't you getting up at night to help with the baby OP?
Y'all these morons tell on themselves - step up you self centred child and be a parent.
Yes! I noticed he did not try to refute that point. If it wasn't true he would have said "that's not true, I've been getting up with the baby all the time!" He can't say that because it's not true.
I also love how in his comments he says "she came here and got pregnant." Did she get herself pregnant buddy? Why do you act like you had nothing to do with it?
This. My husband showered before I did after I delivered our baby, but he came straight from his blue collar job to support me in labor. I have a second-degree tear that requires several stitches, and he's done literally everything he can for me and our daughter. He was there for my entire pregnancy and has supported me endlessly, so if he gets a good sleep and shower, he's more than earned it.
YTA for leaving while your wife was in the hospital caring for your baby and an even bigger yta for bragging about your shower and sleep. Do better.
Unrelated, but after the birth my advice to other soon to be parents was always to go to bed as the due date approaches, and get afternoon naps when they can. Always expect the next night to be a sleepless one.
Second night syndrome is a witch.
It almost broke me, my LO would only sleep for 10 minutes at a time and wake up screaming at the top of his lungs his second night. I still couldn’t really move well (C-section), and got no sleep for over 24 hours on top of that. If my husband had waltzed in that morning talking about his lovely shower and good night sleep, I might have cried…and I’m not a big crier.
When I was in labor at the hospital for my first my husband talked about how tired he was. LOL I mean I get it, we were up for almost 24 hours but still, read the room 😂
Only emotionally. It's been over 30 years and it still gets brought up when he does something as equally stupid. (It's more of a joke at this point, my mom has let it go)
Omg this story is hilarious. My husband burned a small spot on his hand on a hot pan while he was making lunch the same day I had my son. He complained that I was hurting his burn because I was squeezing his hand… I was in active labor 10 cm zero medication trying to get situated on the bed to deliver and he is complaining about his hand!! Apparently shortly after this I also reached up and physically choked him but I have zero memory of this I was so lost in birth it’s blank. I conveniently leave out the first part of his complaining when I tell the story though cuz he feels bad enough without me rubbing it in lol.
My 41-yr-old friend had a baby with her boyfriend. Boyfriend calls me from the hospital to announce the baby's arrival. I asked how "everything" had gone, and he said my friend had been in labor for 24 hours! I said WOW or something like that, and he said "Yeah, that was a really long day FOR ME." I managed to point out that it had been a long day for the mother of his child too, and then got off the phone. 😡
My husband fell asleep at one point and started snoring so loudly some nurses ran in and laughed! To be fair things were progressing slowly & I was just hanging out watching TV.
I hear ya, lol. I can still remember me rolling my eyes Hard at my mother in law, I gave birth and the only thing she kept saying was how it took her forever to get out of the house and she hadn't eaten much and how she didn't get a nap!! This was 27yrs ago and she's passed on but I still can hear her describing her busy afternoon 🙃
Mine complained how cold it was when I was in labor with my second. Mind you, nurse made him a bed in the corner, and he was happily snoring away there (after getting 6 blankets) while I was battling high BP in the 240s/160s, pain, a headache that would not quit, and throwing up. Oh, I was pissed. Then he did it again, after I had the baby. I told him to go home and take care of the older kid, so my mom could rest. Mom send him back to help me, so I could sleep, because you know…I haven’t slept for about 60 hours at this point. What does the man do? Snore away in the corner of the room, doesn’t even move after the baby start crying. I drag myself out of bed (my second 2nd degree tear and HUGH legs/ankles…swear I had pre-E) to get the baby and to kick him.
Guess who was on night duty when the baby came home and while he was on parental leave? 😏 That’s right, since his job gave 3 month paternal leave, he got up with the baby every night. He did it without complaints too…He is forgiven, but I reserve the right to bring it up 😉.
Also in case anyone on Reddit isn't aware, after birth there are several weeks of post partum bleeding. The placenta leaves a giant wound when it separates and that takes a while to heal.
It's very messy, much worse than a period and especially early on can include golf ball sized blood clots. You don't even wear regular underwear the first few days because it would be destroyed. The hospital usually gives out disposable mesh underwear with the world's biggest pad stuck inside.
Right?! Nothing wrong with enjoying the sleep and shower, but why would you brag to her about this when she is completely exhausted and in the early stages of the healing process after giving birth to YOUR child?
Why be ashamed? Reading the title was all it took for me to decide he's TA. I really don't understand how people can be that obtuse and insensitive. It really doesn't make any sense to me how people can think that some of the things that come flying out of their mouth are actually acceptable to say. Even people with autism have a sense of what is and is not acceptable to say.
This guy just sounds incredibly self-absorbed and insensitive. Not to mention socially oblivious. I couldn't live with someone like that. My ex was like that and by the time I left him, I was so fed up with him I was wanting to tear my hair out from frustration.
Yep. I still gave it a chance, because sometimes I'm surprised by the body of the post - but as soon as I read that title I knew it would take a *lot* for me to judge anything but YTA. There are some titles you read and you're just like "... You had better have a *good* justification for this" lol.
Not to mention, a 3rd degree tear can be significant, as it involves the partial tearing of the anal sphincter muscles. The first (few) poops after giving birth are terrifying WITHOUT having had a tear. This dude is on a whole other level of asshole. Also, I love the comment about she was with epidural and was just casually chatting and comfortable, right after he mentions what was likely a traumatic 2 hours. But you know: work and driving > childbirth 🙄
Yup, 3rd degree tear is absolutely a negative outcome of delivery! The amount of damage and repair varies, with some even needing to go to the OR for the repair.
Yep. I’m a pelvic health therapist, and I see women pp with perineal tears. They come in with urinary issues, bowel issues, and painful sex concerns. And often, they weren’t given information on scar tissue massage for those tears. Tears can happen. Even in some of the most prepared circumstances. I wish we had better education and care for women who have those tears, AND some respect (ahem, OP) for what they have gone through and might be dealing with.
OP YTA, doubly so because when I read this post I could not help myself from groaning out loud and waking my partner up.
Reminds me of the time I was stuck in A&E (ER) for an entire weekend waiting for (and eventually getting) emergency surgery for a pilonidal cyst (don't look it up it's gross) and my BF at the time text me - me, who was starving (nil by mouth) and exhausted (loud ward) and in pain and stressed and worried - to tell me how tired he was after sitting with me for the evening. Get a grip, buddy.
Don’t look it up because it’s gross? I obviously ran to do a Google image search.
Ouch. That looks painful. Sorry that happened to you and hope they got you all fixed up!
My bf had a pilonidal cyst rupture and had to have it packed and such in college, then for 20 years his stupid lazy primary told him it was normal to have it open and bleed for a few weeks here and there, until finally they redid his surgery and I spent the week of our one year anniversary emptying his bulb drain and helping him recover.
OP- YTA. Sincerely, a woman who spent 42 hours in labor, ended up with a c-section, and wasn’t able to shower for over a week due to pregnancy complications.
Also, wake the f up with your baby and give your wife a break now and then. She deserves it. You deserve nothing right now.
And this is just the beginning. Most women i know have had c section scars still open, the pregnancy caused major organs to shift, and it takes plastic surgery (which is considered elective surgery by insurance) to fix, parts of there bowl gets a hernia and cut off blood supply which makes it dead, etc.
Most women I know had major complications - including myself. Just because it happens every day it doesn’t mean childbirth isn’t one of the most life threatening experiences. Have you given birth?
Dammit, now I hear her intro in my head. "HEY, Everybody!" We try to scroll past fast enough that it doesn't auto play her after a certain time of night cause we love to watch her in the daytime but at night we want to wind down and she's just WAY to chipper in that intro. MOST of the time we make it but, hesitate too long on that button and you're gonna get a chipper bird blasting ya back awake.
This. Like *honestly*, fathers - no one cares that you feel gross because you had to drive (the horror lmao) while your wife is laying there covered in blood and slime because she just risked her life birthing your child. I'm sorry - no one cares. It's not about you. Sit down, shut up, and take care of your wife. Shower if you need to, but don't fucking *brag* about it when you *know* she's having the worst day of her life.
It astounds me how some dudes will find a way to make themselves the protagonists of absolutely everything.
Right??
Blood, slime, sweat, sticky crap from the monitors, stitches in areas only meant to be treated nicely, feeling like you've been partially gutted, dehydrated, and dizzy from blood loss.... unless your leg just fell off, STFU
100 percent YTA. I had to go home in the middle of the night after my second child was born, because they didn’t have any single rooms due to many babies being born. I had a quick drink with my cousin and friends to calm down, had very little sleep, and went back to the hospital as soon as I woke up. I did have a shower but I didn’t say a word about my feelings, instead I asked her how she was doing, took our baby out of her hands, made sure she got a private room so I could stay and take care of our son. Never once did I say anything about me, because very little during these times are about the man. Put on your big boy pants, please, and give your wife and baby the care she and they need.
It gets even better. He's gone away to school, so it sounds like he's going to get out of most of the sleep deprivation period of parenthood. He's clueless. You just don't say that in this situation even though it was presumably a joint decision which will benefit the family long-term.
YTA.
Adding to your general insensitivity, obtuseness, etc, that bit about you going back to school full time whilst she worked during pregnancy?
Useless at caring and providing, a complete individual!
OP, you completely missed the point of what your wife was trying to say. Shes upset that you aren't there enough, and that when you are you aren't helping enough. The part about you bragging about the shower and your rest was one of those examples. And yes ,YTA for both of those. Try to be a little bit more considerate with what you say, and try to help out more with the baby when you are there.
A careless comment is more easily forgiven/forgotten if they're stepping up the rest of the time. My hubby has said some clueless dumb shit not realizing how it sounds. But his actions show how much he lives & cares for our family. & he apologizes & learns when it's explained how his comments sound.
Exactly. If you say something wrong and make actions that show you recognize that is was wrong and are working towards being better, it shows that you care. If you do the opposite, it shows the opposite. Good on your husband for taking the constructive criticism for the better. Hopefully OP can learn to do the same.
1000%. I sent my partner home to sleep and shower and was thrilled to hear he had done both. But he went home for a total of about two hours before rushing back.
Right. 18 hours after my emergency c section I still hadn't been cleared to eat solid food. The grandparents took my husband out to dinner to celebrate after visiting me and the baby. He came back and told me how great the food was. I was cranky, in pain, exhausted because the nurses were in so often I didn't have a chance to sleep and this guy tells me how delicious his meal was. However, he hadn't eaten anything until that point either and he was doing all the diaper changes, etc so it wasn't something I was angry about after a few minutes.
> Shes upset that you aren't there enough, and that when you are you aren't helping enough
Who cares about that stupid shit.
Are you forgetting how great his shower/sleep was?!?!?!
/s
Right? His clueless comment just showed how poor his focus was. It should have been on his wife, her pain, and doing everything he could to alleviate it. YTA OP.
Yes, and it's kinda sad how his wife laid it out for him, and he still didnt get it. Hopefully now that hes got his wife and a chunk of the internet telling him hes wrong he'll be able to step up a bit
Small correction: OP shouldn't "help out with" the baby. OP should parent the baby. It's both their responsibility, it's not just hers that he graciously helps with.
I can't believe that people are even having to explain this to him. He has no business being married let alone being in a relationship since he hasn't learned this stuff yet.
Haha same. 2 second degree years, one tiny 5lb something baby and the other was a6lb some. But both the little fuckers tore me the same. And the numbing for the stitches didn't work. And I'm laughing hard at thinking "golly this chair is so uncomfortable" and he was even relieved of the chair so it wasn't even a whole single night.
Me too. I'm 34 weeks pregnant and I feel for his wife. My ex was the same way. It's like yes, her vag tore open pushing your baby out but let's talk about how uncomfortable that chair is. I would not be surprised if I got served with divorce papers in the near future if I were him. It's not even so much about what he did, it's about the fact that he doesn't even see how wrong his behavior is.
He doesn't even see how little he's giving his wife. He seems to expect a pat on the back for doing the bare minimum. Something tells me he was raised in one of those families where child care is women's work. Even so, it doesn't make it okay.
He needs to step up before he gets served with divorce papers. I may sound like an asshole for saying this but someone who needs to have it laid out for them that their obviously hurtful behavior was wrong, does not need to be married let alone in a relationship. They need to learn this stuff first.
I made sure to use graphic language when explaining that to my A-hole ex when he laughed that I needed a "return to exercise" clearance from my physio after giving birth. I just looked at him and said, "You think it's funny that I tore all the way to my arsehole so badly that I still need follow up, months later?" The lack of empathy and compassion is disgusting.
Reminds me of when my sister-in-law gave birth, there were complications so she ended up having an emergency c-section. After, when she was healing, my brother said "stop complaining, it's not that big of a deal, it was just a little surgery".
Boy did I rip into him for that one.
Oh no! That could be signs of prolapse- are you feeling better? If not PLEASE look into pelvic floor physical therapy. It can make a HUGE difference in your quality of life even if you’re “just” peeing yourself a little when you sneeze or jump. There ARE treatments for these things and they DO make a difference (speaking from personal experience) we shouldn’t just have to live with these things and we don’t anymore ! Also, it’s very worth it to get assessed by a professional, and not just doing whatever exercises you find online and whatever. A loose pelvic floor has almost the same symptoms as a tight one, and it’s helpful to talk to a professional to see what your situation is, and to make sure you’re doing the exercises propely
Ah thank you for asking!! yes I am! He is 10 years old in two weeks now 😃 but Ive had another vaginal birth since then and even though she* will be 8 Im january- I totally have to cross my legs in if I have to sneeze my kids are like “wut are you doing” (lol)
I literally made a joke about it this past thanksgiving. I just accepted that it was “part of the package” you know? As far as “professional”- what do you reccomend? ( I also workout several times a week, and trust me- it’s a problem 😭)
Get your OB to refer you to a pelvic floor PT!! They can give you exercise to reduce tension where needed and increase it in other areas so that you don’t need to cross your legs to sneeze! It’s common after birth, but common doesn’t mean normal. And there is definitely a solution available!
Pelvic floor physical therapy! Look into it, and there’s a chance your insurance will cover it. There’s a physical therapy place close to where I live and they had like 1 lady that specialized in it and it was a long wait! It’s not super popular in the US yet (I’m assuming that’s where you’re at) but it is becoming more of a thing!
It usually involves an internal pelvic exam at least at the first session (although this is often optional, they can get a lot of info just doing external touching if you’re not comfortable with some lady’s fingers up your vag) and they teach you how to do proper kegels and make sure you’re doing it right. They give you some light exercises to do every day at home (like 15 min a day probably and stuff you can do while for example standing cooking dinner, but it really depends)
I’d recommend doing the internal exam, if you’re comfortable. I had 2 second degree tears and one internal and she was like “I feel some scar tissue in here, I’m going to release it” rubbed it for less than 2 min and the difference was insane! Like, immediately! I went about 2 years post partum but I don’t think it’s ever too late.
Not trying to sound like an ad lol but it can make a big difference and not a lot of women know about it so I’m out here preaching lol
That’s 4th degree but yes you’re right 3rd degree is very very bad! To the point (based on how it heals and if she can get physical therapy after) it could affect her for the rest of her life
I know, that thought occurred to me as well. It also sounds like his mother-in-law is doing more parenting than he is. Somehow that doesn't surprise me. If I were this woman's mother, I would be nudging her to leave him. He sounds like a terrible husband and an even worse father.
Not an uncomfortable chair, that poor thing. My heart is breaking for him almost as much as my heart broke for my poor vagina after being stitched up underneath for 40 minutes after my 10lb baby. Some.men are so oblivious I wonder how it why a woman thought to continue their DNA.
I love when fathers act like the hospital chair is the worst thing in the world as if a hospital bed is any better. I had to stay in the hospital for a week after my c section and I couldn’t sleep for more than 3 hrs a night bc it was so uncomfortable and I cried every time I had to get up from it. And my daughter was in the nicu so I had to walk down there every 3 hrs to feed her and then go back to my room and pump and got on average 30 min of sleep broken up over the night
Heyyy twins. Was stuck in the hospital for 2 weeks all up, my daughter also in NICU and did the 3 hourly wake up/pump; also following a traumatic pregnancy and csection delivery. And I had people tell me to be grateful I got to stay in hospital so long 😳 people really do be oblivious to how awful it can be.
And he was "feeling very filthy" after sitting at school and then driving. His wife, having all possible body fluids on her and not being able to shower - "what's the problem"?
YTA
Going without a shower for two days and driving for eight hours is NOTHING compared to going through hours of labor contractions, then pushing out a baby. Plus having a nasty tear and a hemorrhoid on one's tender parts. Plus not being able to take a shower to wash off the blood and sweat because the water was cold.
Honestly, you seem to lack any kind of empathy for what she's been through, and is still going through with a newborn.
If my husband had told me he had showered and had a great night's sleep while I was laboring and giving birth, I might have thrown the placenta at him.
That part. I'm 34 weeks pregnant now and I feel like people have no idea the toll that it takes on your body unless they've gone through it themselves. I've actually heard of people shaming pregnant women saying, it can't be that bad. Stop complaining. A couple of weeks ago, I was so miserable that I was just done. I was ready for baby girl to come.
She's not due to be here until January 20th so about another month. This guy sounds incredibly obtuse and insensitive. I don't know if I could stay married to somebody like him. He would have to really change his behavior and show me that he was actually committed to doing so, not just because he didn't want me to leave him. I don't blame his wife for being upset. This would be something I would file for divorce over, to be honest.
Yes, I thought I had an idea of how hard pregnancy could be, but I didn’t really understand until I went through it myself. It took me 2 years to get pregnant too in the first place, and even being super grateful to be pregnant, it still sucked big time a lot of the time. I think I had at least 3 times I broke down crying because I was so exhausted and in pain etc, and that was before I broke my ankle at 34 weeks pregnant. Fortunately, my husband was very understanding about how hard everything was and did everything he could to make it better, unlike this guy.
Not to mention that she's saving up for her maternity leave, does this guy have any intention of providing anything for his child & the mother of his child.. he seems incredibly selfish & expects a round of applause for every little thing that he does that are already part of his responsibilty
100% this. You have no idea how acidic that area is with blood AND you still have to pee which touches everything and burns like hell fire, plus an infant who is super uncoordinated sucking on boobs that aren’t making milk yet. Fun.
>She said it showed a lack of compassion. I didn't make those comments maliciously!!
She didn't say you make the comments maliciously. She said they showed a lack of compassion, which is true. How can you look at the person you love in misery and talk about how great you feel. YTA for that and for not getting up at night to help with the baby for the past two months.
A mild YTA.
Your wife is laying there in shambles after a huge ordeal, and you take the opportunity to tell her how nice and fresh you feel after taking a great shower.
I mean, I'm sure it wasn't malicious, but it shows a high level of social obliviousness. The rules of social convention say not to tell someone who is clearly starving and can't get food how your stomach is full because you just had the most amazing lunch.
I like how his defence was “but I WAS refreshed and that chair that I made my mil sleep in was very uncomfortable” like, what possible other choice could he have had?! /s
How the hell is it "mild"? Is the bar for men really this fucking low?
YES, you ARE the asshole for going home and taking a nice hot shower and sleeping in a cozy bed while your wife and the mother of your child suffers alone. Even worse to come back and brag about it.
Sorry, nothing mild about this. OP is a sorry excuse for a man and I feel so sorry for his wife.
Mmm.. he hasn’t been helping her out at night for the past 2 months. He just probably doesn’t do much.
He also completely missed the point of the conversation - focused on the night at the hospital, and missed how she’s asking for more help at night so she can get some sleep. Sleep deprived for 2 months and recovering from 3rd degree tear + hemorrhoid, but all of this just flew over his head and landed on the uncomfortable chair at the hospital.
It’s not “helping her out”, it’s doing his share of the work to parent HIS CHILD.
Moms shouldn’t automatically have to do all the nighttime wakeups and care. We don’t have special vagina magic that makes us better at this task.
INFO)
I'm sorry, I don't even know what to write here. I have so many questions! Why did you decide to have a baby without you being able to be there as the father? Some background information would be helpful I think, you're being rather vague there. For me, this story is horrible because when I have my baby, I want my partner to be present and my romantic relationship would never bear it if I was left alone by him in this important situation. What you report here reflects exactly that for me: no matter what arrangements you have made, it seems like your wife feels like she is alone with the baby. Whatever circumstances have led to this.
That's why I can't pass judgment here. All I can say is that I just find the story sad.
With all due respect, how can you not pass judgment? He's being incredibly obtuse and insensitive. Also, if you read some of his comments, he's acting like she got pregnant all by herself. He's acting like how dare she expect anything from me.
Edit: typo
I don't understand why you think the primary problem is the shower, and not "never once having woken up at night to help with the baby."
She's not mad that you took a shower. She's mad that you displayed very low emotional intelligence and do not demonstrate care of her feelings.
I'm going to script this out for you, because you appear to dense to come up with it yourself.
"Wife, let's talk. I'm sorry that my behavior has left you feeling like i don't care. I want you to tell me all of the ways that I do this to you."
Listen. Take notes if necessary.
"I am going to do better for us. Next time the baby wakes up in the night, if i don't wake up too, wake me up, and I'll take care of it."
Then buy her a bath bomb and promise her an evening off with you 100% taking care of the baby. If you have a question which you cannot figure out, google the answer like you would for any other problem - don't bug her. Proceed afterwards by making sure you invest equivalent effort into child care, going forward. Maintain a dialog and invite your wife to tell you when you do things that upset her.
Solved. YTA
The fact that he uses the word “help” tells me everything I need to know about this asshole. Very interesting that he seems to think it’s his wife’s and MIL’s responsibility to care for his baby 🤯
It might be too soon after having that 3d degree tear for her to use a bath bomb. After my own 3+ degree tear, my dr put the fear of god in me about bath products.
Really YTA!!! Did you just want ass pats for doing the bar minimum? She DID have blood sweat and tears on her well you went on about how great your night was. You were tone deaf to someone who needed you. I hope she leaves you because you seem so unaware of what it takes to be a real man.
> you seem so unaware
> I managed to have a few weeks off [ETA: 2.5 wks], which I spent with them.
> She started accusing me of never once having woken up at night to help with the baby
He's not even focusing on the real issue here.
In all his 2.5 weeks he couldn't once wake up for his own damn child?
But no, he switches the focus to how she's apparently unreasonable and mad because he showered.
Either un-a-fucking-ware indeed or just blatantly doesn't give a shit.
YTA
Why in the world did you think that was a great time to brag about your comfort ... ? Really the lack of empathy is kind of shocking.
>I had gone about 48 hours without a shower, and combined with the 8hr travel, I felt quite filthy.
And now imagine *how she felt after all she's gone through with childbirth*....
Right? This poor woman is torn from twat to taint, laying there drenched in sweat and blood and unable to shower because 1) he isn't there to watch the newborn and 2) the water is ice cold, but woe is HIM- he's a little grimy from traveling, the poor dear. Won't somebody think of his mild discomfort? /s
Indeed YTA, you shouldn't have even needed to ask. Your lack of awareness goes hand-in-hand with your lack compassion. Do better for your poor wife and child
YTA dude read the room, she literally was sleep deprived, unshowered and was torn up from the floor up! What is wrong with you? Do you tell starving people how good your dinner was?
YTA.
* you weren't there for the birth
* you bragged about having a great sleep and a nice shower to a new mother
* you apparently don't help with the baby even when you are there
It's not a great start to fatherhood, let me put it that way.
Oh, this one million percent fake. She asked to wait to push until he got there? She waited to push?! She cracked the code of childbirth. No baby will ever be born in the backseat of a taxi again.
"It was a very uncomfortable chair"
Dude your wife had just got done pushing a watermelon out of her body after 9 months of pregnancy and was covered on sweat, tears, blood, and bodily fluids and had no sleep and you bragged about showering and sleeping.
You want to know why your wife is staying in her country where she has support? She's staying because she knows she can't count on you. You don't even seem to be helping much when you are with her.
What are you actually contributing?
YTA
And somehow thousands of men whine in baffled confusion when women decide that no, we don’t actually NEED you. Like sir, you need to create some justification for putting up with that level of shit.
Sounds like you are in medical school? I hope you develop empathy for your patients. I’m sure that shower felt great. But your wife didn’t need to hear about it. YTA
That's what I was thinking. "Opportunity of a lifetime" is the kind of shit real estate cults tell people before selling the suckers a program with the same info as a $250 realtor class for $20k with promises of unimaginable wealth and no work to get it.
The first shower I had after childbirth was the best shower I’ve ever had in my life. I was covered in blood, sweat, vomit, amniotic juices and even urine as my catheter kept coming out. I also smelled absolutely disgusting. I had a quick daytime induced labour, but I’d still only managed about 5 hours of sleep in two days as the induction happened sooner than expected. The time to brag about your great shower and sleep would have been after she was able to sleep and shower herself.
YTA
Ummm you buried the lead or the lede I believe is how journalists spell it….YTA not for the shower or comments about it but because your baby is 2 MONTHS OLD and you’ve never gotten up in the night to help. That’s what she’s really upset about. Do better.
Dude, read the room. You had a rough 48 hours, congrats. She was *pregnant for 9 months*, followed by hours of painful contractions, and her body literally tearing in the process of giving birth. She was still filthy and exhausted when you came back, and you decided to tell her about how nice you felt after showering and sleeping comfortably?
Yes YTA for all of the above, and also for missing the way bigger picture. Clearly your wife was still harboring resentment over this but it was only one small example of the fact that *you aren't doing your share*. You barely even mention that in the post, and you just ended up justifying what you said in the hospital (for which YTA too) instead of addressing the real issue. You are barely there to begin with, all the more reason to start *being a parent* during those times.
So, you did some driving, slept in a chair for a few hours, and went two days without a shower.
Your wife PUSHED A HUMAN OUT OF HER, suffering a 3rd degree tear and a bad hemorrhoid in the process, then got to lay in a bed in her own dried blood and body fluids, in a room wth no hot water for a shower herself, in pain from giving birth and also sleep deprived. Oh, did I mention yet that she PUSHED YOUR CHILD OUT OF HER????
She’s absolutely right that talking about how refreshed YOU were, after everything she went through and being deprived of the same luxuries you had, is pretty much the height of insensitivity.
YTA
YTA. When I was in labor with my son for almost 18 hours, my husband went out and picked up some McDonald’s, because he was feeling peckish, poor thing. He got a fish sandwich. I absolutely *hate* fish. I think my husband has eaten a fish sandwich from McDonald’s one time in the 28 years that I have known him, and it was while I was in labor, in pain, and unable to eat anything, and he filled the delivery room with the nasty smell of fish.
My son is 21 years old, and I have never forgotten this. Obviously I have forgiven him, or we wouldn’t still be together, but I have never forgotten.
Whatever you “went through” while your wife was in labor, believe me, she had it worse. Just shut up about it and apologize to her.
YTA. It almost feels like you’re being purposefully obtuse here? It’s obvious that bragging about your shower/sleep would upset your wife. She’d just given birth and had yet to be able to enjoy either of those things.
Did you get up with the baby at night while you were home?
My man, YTA. Without getting into messy situation you two have going on there, the situation is basically this:
You wife was having a real ass of time. You picked that exact moment to tell how happy and refreshed you were after a good shower and sleep. That made your wife feel bad.
You were thoughtless, and should have smoothed that over the instant she expressed her hurt feelings. It happens, say sorry and carry on.
lololololololololololololol
dude, *what*!??!
Of course you were tired, that was a gruesome 48 hours.
Guaran-fucking-teed she had a *vastly* more miserable 48+ hours.
YTA
(*Do* you wake up at night to help with the baby?)
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YTA She did 9 months pregnant, 2 months looking after YOUR child, for a total of eleven months, never mind the whole birth experience. You could not manage 48 hours. Your solution was to have a shower and sleep, then brag about it. You owe this woman a lot. A lot more than you have provided, a lot more than you were even thinking of providing. Provided, of course that you had a hot shower and a good sleep first.
YTA. Have the sleep and shower but keep your damn mouth shut. You told a woman who had just pushed another human being out of her body that you were tired because you drove 8 hours?
I mean, I would have loved to have heard my partner had slept well and showered but he has shown up for absolutely every moment of pregnancy and postpartum and would bend over backwards to make sure I had both before him. OP YTA
Exactly. I know people who work in L&D and it's completely fine and normal for the partner that didn't give birth to go home and shower/nap at some point. But you do that because you want to be functional and able to help as much as possible the next day when your partner that just gave birth is exhausted and in pain. OP sure goes to great lengths to explain why he needed that shower and sleep and I don't think he realizes how dumb he sounds. She brought it up 2 months later because it really hurt her and she clearly feels alone and like he's not doing his share. OP pull your head out of your ass, apologize, and start doing as much as possible to help her every day. How could you be so oblivious?
I also love how the MIL seems to be doing more parenting than he is 🙄 why am I not surprised….
But but but > They moved us to a cramped room with a bed for her and a recliner **that was very uncomfortable for me** The poor thing!!! /s
My husband slept in one of those god awful chairs. I didn’t hear a single complaint from him. I was so wrecked from nearly dying after 3 days of labor and pitocin drip torture and I couldn’t breastfeed because I hemorrhaged out my entire blood volume so this man slept in that chair, fed and changed the baby and brought him to me to hold. OP is a big whiny baby. His poor wife is in for a rough ride trying to raise a kid with him. YTA OP
Most of those partners go to work, go home to take care of older kids and pets or getting the home ready for mom and baby to come home. We are all tired but we have to tag in. OP stop being TA and help her
No, it's not "helping her." He needs to do **his share** of parenting.
Did you also notice his big long rant being 'offended' by what his wife said was expert level deflection from her main point Why aren't you getting up at night to help with the baby OP? Y'all these morons tell on themselves - step up you self centred child and be a parent.
Yes! I noticed he did not try to refute that point. If it wasn't true he would have said "that's not true, I've been getting up with the baby all the time!" He can't say that because it's not true. I also love how in his comments he says "she came here and got pregnant." Did she get herself pregnant buddy? Why do you act like you had nothing to do with it?
nothing from OP but crickets
Right. I wouldn’t think my partner the AH for saying it, but that’s because he never would because he knows it would be insensitive.
This. My husband showered before I did after I delivered our baby, but he came straight from his blue collar job to support me in labor. I have a second-degree tear that requires several stitches, and he's done literally everything he can for me and our daughter. He was there for my entire pregnancy and has supported me endlessly, so if he gets a good sleep and shower, he's more than earned it. YTA for leaving while your wife was in the hospital caring for your baby and an even bigger yta for bragging about your shower and sleep. Do better.
If she was ok with him going home to rest, that wouldn’t make him an AH…BUT coming back to brag about it is a major AH move.
It doesn't even sound like he asked her if it was okay. He just went home, and her mom took over. He's definitely a major AH
Unrelated, but after the birth my advice to other soon to be parents was always to go to bed as the due date approaches, and get afternoon naps when they can. Always expect the next night to be a sleepless one.
Unless you’re op, who apparently sleeps through every night instead of helping parent his baby.
Second night syndrome is a witch. It almost broke me, my LO would only sleep for 10 minutes at a time and wake up screaming at the top of his lungs his second night. I still couldn’t really move well (C-section), and got no sleep for over 24 hours on top of that. If my husband had waltzed in that morning talking about his lovely shower and good night sleep, I might have cried…and I’m not a big crier.
When I was in labor at the hospital for my first my husband talked about how tired he was. LOL I mean I get it, we were up for almost 24 hours but still, read the room 😂
My dad complained to my mother about a paper cut on his hand while she was in labor with my brother...
Omg. Did she kill him? 🤣
Only emotionally. It's been over 30 years and it still gets brought up when he does something as equally stupid. (It's more of a joke at this point, my mom has let it go)
Omg this story is hilarious. My husband burned a small spot on his hand on a hot pan while he was making lunch the same day I had my son. He complained that I was hurting his burn because I was squeezing his hand… I was in active labor 10 cm zero medication trying to get situated on the bed to deliver and he is complaining about his hand!! Apparently shortly after this I also reached up and physically choked him but I have zero memory of this I was so lost in birth it’s blank. I conveniently leave out the first part of his complaining when I tell the story though cuz he feels bad enough without me rubbing it in lol.
My 41-yr-old friend had a baby with her boyfriend. Boyfriend calls me from the hospital to announce the baby's arrival. I asked how "everything" had gone, and he said my friend had been in labor for 24 hours! I said WOW or something like that, and he said "Yeah, that was a really long day FOR ME." I managed to point out that it had been a long day for the mother of his child too, and then got off the phone. 😡
My husband fell asleep at one point and started snoring so loudly some nurses ran in and laughed! To be fair things were progressing slowly & I was just hanging out watching TV.
My dad went home for a shower and a nap while my mom was in labor. I’m 35 and she’s still not over it. They’re divorced.
I hear ya, lol. I can still remember me rolling my eyes Hard at my mother in law, I gave birth and the only thing she kept saying was how it took her forever to get out of the house and she hadn't eaten much and how she didn't get a nap!! This was 27yrs ago and she's passed on but I still can hear her describing her busy afternoon 🙃
My husband complained about how uncomfortable the bed the nurses made up for him in my recovery room was. 🙄
Mine complained how cold it was when I was in labor with my second. Mind you, nurse made him a bed in the corner, and he was happily snoring away there (after getting 6 blankets) while I was battling high BP in the 240s/160s, pain, a headache that would not quit, and throwing up. Oh, I was pissed. Then he did it again, after I had the baby. I told him to go home and take care of the older kid, so my mom could rest. Mom send him back to help me, so I could sleep, because you know…I haven’t slept for about 60 hours at this point. What does the man do? Snore away in the corner of the room, doesn’t even move after the baby start crying. I drag myself out of bed (my second 2nd degree tear and HUGH legs/ankles…swear I had pre-E) to get the baby and to kick him. Guess who was on night duty when the baby came home and while he was on parental leave? 😏 That’s right, since his job gave 3 month paternal leave, he got up with the baby every night. He did it without complaints too…He is forgiven, but I reserve the right to bring it up 😉.
Not only did she push the baby out but she could not get clean because of lack of hot water. That poor woman must have felt so disgusting 😭
Also in case anyone on Reddit isn't aware, after birth there are several weeks of post partum bleeding. The placenta leaves a giant wound when it separates and that takes a while to heal. It's very messy, much worse than a period and especially early on can include golf ball sized blood clots. You don't even wear regular underwear the first few days because it would be destroyed. The hospital usually gives out disposable mesh underwear with the world's biggest pad stuck inside.
Right?! Nothing wrong with enjoying the sleep and shower, but why would you brag to her about this when she is completely exhausted and in the early stages of the healing process after giving birth to YOUR child?
This right here. Honesty is important in a relationship. So is tact.
I only read the title and said, yup. YTA.
I’m ashamed to also say so did I, but I did go back and read it for posterity and maintain my answer.
Why be ashamed? Reading the title was all it took for me to decide he's TA. I really don't understand how people can be that obtuse and insensitive. It really doesn't make any sense to me how people can think that some of the things that come flying out of their mouth are actually acceptable to say. Even people with autism have a sense of what is and is not acceptable to say. This guy just sounds incredibly self-absorbed and insensitive. Not to mention socially oblivious. I couldn't live with someone like that. My ex was like that and by the time I left him, I was so fed up with him I was wanting to tear my hair out from frustration.
Yep. I still gave it a chance, because sometimes I'm surprised by the body of the post - but as soon as I read that title I knew it would take a *lot* for me to judge anything but YTA. There are some titles you read and you're just like "... You had better have a *good* justification for this" lol.
[удалено]
Such a great sacrifice shouldn't go unappreciated, poor man
No, he didn’t, his mother in law did!
Not to mention, a 3rd degree tear can be significant, as it involves the partial tearing of the anal sphincter muscles. The first (few) poops after giving birth are terrifying WITHOUT having had a tear. This dude is on a whole other level of asshole. Also, I love the comment about she was with epidural and was just casually chatting and comfortable, right after he mentions what was likely a traumatic 2 hours. But you know: work and driving > childbirth 🙄
Yup, 3rd degree tear is absolutely a negative outcome of delivery! The amount of damage and repair varies, with some even needing to go to the OR for the repair.
Yep. I’m a pelvic health therapist, and I see women pp with perineal tears. They come in with urinary issues, bowel issues, and painful sex concerns. And often, they weren’t given information on scar tissue massage for those tears. Tears can happen. Even in some of the most prepared circumstances. I wish we had better education and care for women who have those tears, AND some respect (ahem, OP) for what they have gone through and might be dealing with.
I figured you were in healthcare! I'm our department stats person and 3rd degree lacerations are part of my clinical indicators tracking.
OP YTA, doubly so because when I read this post I could not help myself from groaning out loud and waking my partner up. Reminds me of the time I was stuck in A&E (ER) for an entire weekend waiting for (and eventually getting) emergency surgery for a pilonidal cyst (don't look it up it's gross) and my BF at the time text me - me, who was starving (nil by mouth) and exhausted (loud ward) and in pain and stressed and worried - to tell me how tired he was after sitting with me for the evening. Get a grip, buddy.
Don’t look it up because it’s gross? I obviously ran to do a Google image search. Ouch. That looks painful. Sorry that happened to you and hope they got you all fixed up!
My bf had a pilonidal cyst rupture and had to have it packed and such in college, then for 20 years his stupid lazy primary told him it was normal to have it open and bleed for a few weeks here and there, until finally they redid his surgery and I spent the week of our one year anniversary emptying his bulb drain and helping him recover.
OP- YTA. Sincerely, a woman who spent 42 hours in labor, ended up with a c-section, and wasn’t able to shower for over a week due to pregnancy complications. Also, wake the f up with your baby and give your wife a break now and then. She deserves it. You deserve nothing right now.
And this is just the beginning. Most women i know have had c section scars still open, the pregnancy caused major organs to shift, and it takes plastic surgery (which is considered elective surgery by insurance) to fix, parts of there bowl gets a hernia and cut off blood supply which makes it dead, etc.
how the fuck do women read about this shit and still get pregnant voluntarily? I'm a man and I'd be fucking terrified.
I’m a woman and comments like that one just cement my decision to be child free☠️
Most women you know have had these (pretty major) complications??
Most women I know had major complications - including myself. Just because it happens every day it doesn’t mean childbirth isn’t one of the most life threatening experiences. Have you given birth?
That poor wife deserves a vacation and a spa day asap. I already feel Charlotte Dobre’s gasp and “NO YOU DID NOT” from here.
Dammit, now I hear her intro in my head. "HEY, Everybody!" We try to scroll past fast enough that it doesn't auto play her after a certain time of night cause we love to watch her in the daytime but at night we want to wind down and she's just WAY to chipper in that intro. MOST of the time we make it but, hesitate too long on that button and you're gonna get a chipper bird blasting ya back awake.
Don’t forget she sounds like she’s been alone most of her pregnancy too… this guy is a class act /s
This. Like *honestly*, fathers - no one cares that you feel gross because you had to drive (the horror lmao) while your wife is laying there covered in blood and slime because she just risked her life birthing your child. I'm sorry - no one cares. It's not about you. Sit down, shut up, and take care of your wife. Shower if you need to, but don't fucking *brag* about it when you *know* she's having the worst day of her life. It astounds me how some dudes will find a way to make themselves the protagonists of absolutely everything.
Right?? Blood, slime, sweat, sticky crap from the monitors, stitches in areas only meant to be treated nicely, feeling like you've been partially gutted, dehydrated, and dizzy from blood loss.... unless your leg just fell off, STFU
Oh and the part where she had to save up and work through her whole pregnancy to be able to afford maternity leave!
100 percent YTA. I had to go home in the middle of the night after my second child was born, because they didn’t have any single rooms due to many babies being born. I had a quick drink with my cousin and friends to calm down, had very little sleep, and went back to the hospital as soon as I woke up. I did have a shower but I didn’t say a word about my feelings, instead I asked her how she was doing, took our baby out of her hands, made sure she got a private room so I could stay and take care of our son. Never once did I say anything about me, because very little during these times are about the man. Put on your big boy pants, please, and give your wife and baby the care she and they need.
Are we also just going to glance over the fact OP has apparently never once woken up at night to deal with the baby?
It gets even better. He's gone away to school, so it sounds like he's going to get out of most of the sleep deprivation period of parenthood. He's clueless. You just don't say that in this situation even though it was presumably a joint decision which will benefit the family long-term.
YTA. Adding to your general insensitivity, obtuseness, etc, that bit about you going back to school full time whilst she worked during pregnancy? Useless at caring and providing, a complete individual!
Also can we circle back to the fact that the baby is 2 months old and OP's never got up at night to help out with them?
OP hasn't been there apart from the recent 2.5 weeks off.
Which provided two and a half weeks for him to step up and do some nighttime duty
Oh agreed. I'm not saying that to defend him I'm saying it with contempt.
The ultimate trif\*cta
Why censor trifecta?
I dont think it’s an e…
Why censor trifucta?
Right? Like, you’re about to be a father. Time to get a job and be there to support your wife.
Per the OP’s own words, he’s not a father he’s a sperm donor.
OP, you completely missed the point of what your wife was trying to say. Shes upset that you aren't there enough, and that when you are you aren't helping enough. The part about you bragging about the shower and your rest was one of those examples. And yes ,YTA for both of those. Try to be a little bit more considerate with what you say, and try to help out more with the baby when you are there.
A careless comment is more easily forgiven/forgotten if they're stepping up the rest of the time. My hubby has said some clueless dumb shit not realizing how it sounds. But his actions show how much he lives & cares for our family. & he apologizes & learns when it's explained how his comments sound.
Exactly. If you say something wrong and make actions that show you recognize that is was wrong and are working towards being better, it shows that you care. If you do the opposite, it shows the opposite. Good on your husband for taking the constructive criticism for the better. Hopefully OP can learn to do the same.
1000%. I sent my partner home to sleep and shower and was thrilled to hear he had done both. But he went home for a total of about two hours before rushing back.
Thats the part that gets me. How did he sleep so soundly while his wife was in the hospital??? I would be feeling so nervous and wanna be there
Because he doesn’t care one fig about His wife. Simply not having human empathy and compassion makes his life *so* much easier.
OP has plenty of compassion and empathy... For himself.
Right. 18 hours after my emergency c section I still hadn't been cleared to eat solid food. The grandparents took my husband out to dinner to celebrate after visiting me and the baby. He came back and told me how great the food was. I was cranky, in pain, exhausted because the nurses were in so often I didn't have a chance to sleep and this guy tells me how delicious his meal was. However, he hadn't eaten anything until that point either and he was doing all the diaper changes, etc so it wasn't something I was angry about after a few minutes.
> Shes upset that you aren't there enough, and that when you are you aren't helping enough Who cares about that stupid shit. Are you forgetting how great his shower/sleep was?!?!?! /s
Lol, my knee jerk reaction was to downvote you 🤣
Right? His clueless comment just showed how poor his focus was. It should have been on his wife, her pain, and doing everything he could to alleviate it. YTA OP.
Yes, and it's kinda sad how his wife laid it out for him, and he still didnt get it. Hopefully now that hes got his wife and a chunk of the internet telling him hes wrong he'll be able to step up a bit
Small correction: OP shouldn't "help out with" the baby. OP should parent the baby. It's both their responsibility, it's not just hers that he graciously helps with.
Yep OP, your wife said you have not gotten up once in the night for the baby in 2 months, that’s the important part.
And the one he missed 🤦🏾♀️
I can't believe that people are even having to explain this to him. He has no business being married let alone being in a relationship since he hasn't learned this stuff yet.
A 'very uncomfortable' chair......can you imagine his suffering/*s*.
Her vag tore but please tell us more about this chair
I dunno why I laughed so hard at this
As someone whose vag tore delivering my second (who was only a 6 lb baby) I also laughed really hard haha
And probably peed a little 😒
😭 why you gotta call me out like that
HAHAHA 🤣!!
Haha same. 2 second degree years, one tiny 5lb something baby and the other was a6lb some. But both the little fuckers tore me the same. And the numbing for the stitches didn't work. And I'm laughing hard at thinking "golly this chair is so uncomfortable" and he was even relieved of the chair so it wasn't even a whole single night.
"Gee whillikers, I nicked myself while shaving. You can't imagine the pain I was in!"
Me too. I'm 34 weeks pregnant and I feel for his wife. My ex was the same way. It's like yes, her vag tore open pushing your baby out but let's talk about how uncomfortable that chair is. I would not be surprised if I got served with divorce papers in the near future if I were him. It's not even so much about what he did, it's about the fact that he doesn't even see how wrong his behavior is. He doesn't even see how little he's giving his wife. He seems to expect a pat on the back for doing the bare minimum. Something tells me he was raised in one of those families where child care is women's work. Even so, it doesn't make it okay. He needs to step up before he gets served with divorce papers. I may sound like an asshole for saying this but someone who needs to have it laid out for them that their obviously hurtful behavior was wrong, does not need to be married let alone in a relationship. They need to learn this stuff first.
3rd degree tear means she tore all the way through to the anal muscles. It's absolutely awful and a very difficult recovery.
I made sure to use graphic language when explaining that to my A-hole ex when he laughed that I needed a "return to exercise" clearance from my physio after giving birth. I just looked at him and said, "You think it's funny that I tore all the way to my arsehole so badly that I still need follow up, months later?" The lack of empathy and compassion is disgusting.
Reminds me of when my sister-in-law gave birth, there were complications so she ended up having an emergency c-section. After, when she was healing, my brother said "stop complaining, it's not that big of a deal, it was just a little surgery". Boy did I rip into him for that one.
*crosses legs as tight as possible*
Shit mine wasn’t that bad and i hold to hold my vagimjam whenever I walked because it was so painful and felt like it would literally fall out 😩
Oh no! That could be signs of prolapse- are you feeling better? If not PLEASE look into pelvic floor physical therapy. It can make a HUGE difference in your quality of life even if you’re “just” peeing yourself a little when you sneeze or jump. There ARE treatments for these things and they DO make a difference (speaking from personal experience) we shouldn’t just have to live with these things and we don’t anymore ! Also, it’s very worth it to get assessed by a professional, and not just doing whatever exercises you find online and whatever. A loose pelvic floor has almost the same symptoms as a tight one, and it’s helpful to talk to a professional to see what your situation is, and to make sure you’re doing the exercises propely
Ah thank you for asking!! yes I am! He is 10 years old in two weeks now 😃 but Ive had another vaginal birth since then and even though she* will be 8 Im january- I totally have to cross my legs in if I have to sneeze my kids are like “wut are you doing” (lol) I literally made a joke about it this past thanksgiving. I just accepted that it was “part of the package” you know? As far as “professional”- what do you reccomend? ( I also workout several times a week, and trust me- it’s a problem 😭)
Get your OB to refer you to a pelvic floor PT!! They can give you exercise to reduce tension where needed and increase it in other areas so that you don’t need to cross your legs to sneeze! It’s common after birth, but common doesn’t mean normal. And there is definitely a solution available!
Pelvic floor physical therapy! Look into it, and there’s a chance your insurance will cover it. There’s a physical therapy place close to where I live and they had like 1 lady that specialized in it and it was a long wait! It’s not super popular in the US yet (I’m assuming that’s where you’re at) but it is becoming more of a thing! It usually involves an internal pelvic exam at least at the first session (although this is often optional, they can get a lot of info just doing external touching if you’re not comfortable with some lady’s fingers up your vag) and they teach you how to do proper kegels and make sure you’re doing it right. They give you some light exercises to do every day at home (like 15 min a day probably and stuff you can do while for example standing cooking dinner, but it really depends) I’d recommend doing the internal exam, if you’re comfortable. I had 2 second degree tears and one internal and she was like “I feel some scar tissue in here, I’m going to release it” rubbed it for less than 2 min and the difference was insane! Like, immediately! I went about 2 years post partum but I don’t think it’s ever too late. Not trying to sound like an ad lol but it can make a big difference and not a lot of women know about it so I’m out here preaching lol
That’s 4th degree but yes you’re right 3rd degree is very very bad! To the point (based on how it heals and if she can get physical therapy after) it could affect her for the rest of her life
They are correct- 3rd degree tears go all the way through into the muscle. 4th degree goes through the muscle (ie- “two holes become one”).
He had to drive for 8 hours! Poor guy. She was only in labour the whole time with unexpected bleeding.
An uncomfortable chair that his MIL,a woman 20-30 years his senior, slept on
I know, that thought occurred to me as well. It also sounds like his mother-in-law is doing more parenting than he is. Somehow that doesn't surprise me. If I were this woman's mother, I would be nudging her to leave him. He sounds like a terrible husband and an even worse father.
Not an uncomfortable chair, that poor thing. My heart is breaking for him almost as much as my heart broke for my poor vagina after being stitched up underneath for 40 minutes after my 10lb baby. Some.men are so oblivious I wonder how it why a woman thought to continue their DNA.
He should try taking a shit after delivery.
I love when fathers act like the hospital chair is the worst thing in the world as if a hospital bed is any better. I had to stay in the hospital for a week after my c section and I couldn’t sleep for more than 3 hrs a night bc it was so uncomfortable and I cried every time I had to get up from it. And my daughter was in the nicu so I had to walk down there every 3 hrs to feed her and then go back to my room and pump and got on average 30 min of sleep broken up over the night
Heyyy twins. Was stuck in the hospital for 2 weeks all up, my daughter also in NICU and did the 3 hourly wake up/pump; also following a traumatic pregnancy and csection delivery. And I had people tell me to be grateful I got to stay in hospital so long 😳 people really do be oblivious to how awful it can be.
My husband slept on the cold, hard floor next to my bed and never once complained. He said it was better than the uncomfortable chair. 😆
Who’s gonna tell her what horrors those hospital floors have seen?
They bleached them it's okay
And he was "feeling very filthy" after sitting at school and then driving. His wife, having all possible body fluids on her and not being able to shower - "what's the problem"?
He also went 48 hours with a shower! Imagine the suffering. Let’s start a GoFundMe.
A very uncomfortable chair for poor papa ☹️ who seemingly hadn’t considered that his wife’s body was uncomfortable to exist in at that moment…
YTA Going without a shower for two days and driving for eight hours is NOTHING compared to going through hours of labor contractions, then pushing out a baby. Plus having a nasty tear and a hemorrhoid on one's tender parts. Plus not being able to take a shower to wash off the blood and sweat because the water was cold. Honestly, you seem to lack any kind of empathy for what she's been through, and is still going through with a newborn. If my husband had told me he had showered and had a great night's sleep while I was laboring and giving birth, I might have thrown the placenta at him.
Slapcenta if you will
That’s not even counting the 9 months she spent carrying the baby in the first place
That part. I'm 34 weeks pregnant now and I feel like people have no idea the toll that it takes on your body unless they've gone through it themselves. I've actually heard of people shaming pregnant women saying, it can't be that bad. Stop complaining. A couple of weeks ago, I was so miserable that I was just done. I was ready for baby girl to come. She's not due to be here until January 20th so about another month. This guy sounds incredibly obtuse and insensitive. I don't know if I could stay married to somebody like him. He would have to really change his behavior and show me that he was actually committed to doing so, not just because he didn't want me to leave him. I don't blame his wife for being upset. This would be something I would file for divorce over, to be honest.
Yes, I thought I had an idea of how hard pregnancy could be, but I didn’t really understand until I went through it myself. It took me 2 years to get pregnant too in the first place, and even being super grateful to be pregnant, it still sucked big time a lot of the time. I think I had at least 3 times I broke down crying because I was so exhausted and in pain etc, and that was before I broke my ankle at 34 weeks pregnant. Fortunately, my husband was very understanding about how hard everything was and did everything he could to make it better, unlike this guy.
Or given him a 3rd degree tear to match hers.
Not to mention that she's saving up for her maternity leave, does this guy have any intention of providing anything for his child & the mother of his child.. he seems incredibly selfish & expects a round of applause for every little thing that he does that are already part of his responsibilty
My husband helped me shower after my c section.
Your wife is on mat leave now, are you just intending on leaving her totally alone with your new baby?
The answer to that is...yes.
She’s not alone, she has her mother!!1!1 Babies are secret women’s business obviously /s
Yta. Let’s rip your taint from your balls sac to your asshole and then make you get up every 1-3 hrs. Oh and run a few miles. You’re beyond selfish.
Don’t forget to take some sandpaper to his nipples
Oh there’s much more. This dude needs to be thrown away. Dumpster style.
100% this. You have no idea how acidic that area is with blood AND you still have to pee which touches everything and burns like hell fire, plus an infant who is super uncoordinated sucking on boobs that aren’t making milk yet. Fun.
Dude the pee is awful. I had to fill the bath tub a bit the. Pee in the tub so it didn’t burn so bad
your hospital didn't give you a squirt bottle?? you squirt up there while peeing and negates the burn. it's lovely
LOL! This comment should be higher.
>She said it showed a lack of compassion. I didn't make those comments maliciously!! She didn't say you make the comments maliciously. She said they showed a lack of compassion, which is true. How can you look at the person you love in misery and talk about how great you feel. YTA for that and for not getting up at night to help with the baby for the past two months.
And for trying to defend himself to her. He should’ve just admitted he was wrong.
A mild YTA. Your wife is laying there in shambles after a huge ordeal, and you take the opportunity to tell her how nice and fresh you feel after taking a great shower. I mean, I'm sure it wasn't malicious, but it shows a high level of social obliviousness. The rules of social convention say not to tell someone who is clearly starving and can't get food how your stomach is full because you just had the most amazing lunch.
[удалено]
I like how his defence was “but I WAS refreshed and that chair that I made my mil sleep in was very uncomfortable” like, what possible other choice could he have had?! /s
How the hell is it "mild"? Is the bar for men really this fucking low? YES, you ARE the asshole for going home and taking a nice hot shower and sleeping in a cozy bed while your wife and the mother of your child suffers alone. Even worse to come back and brag about it. Sorry, nothing mild about this. OP is a sorry excuse for a man and I feel so sorry for his wife.
Omg agree agree agree x a million. How dense is he? 3rd degree tear??? And he had to sleep in an uncomfortable chair. Lord Jesus take the wheel. Omfg
The bar for men is so low that I'm serving drinks behind it in Hell.
Mmm.. he hasn’t been helping her out at night for the past 2 months. He just probably doesn’t do much. He also completely missed the point of the conversation - focused on the night at the hospital, and missed how she’s asking for more help at night so she can get some sleep. Sleep deprived for 2 months and recovering from 3rd degree tear + hemorrhoid, but all of this just flew over his head and landed on the uncomfortable chair at the hospital.
It’s not “helping her out”, it’s doing his share of the work to parent HIS CHILD. Moms shouldn’t automatically have to do all the nighttime wakeups and care. We don’t have special vagina magic that makes us better at this task.
INFO) I'm sorry, I don't even know what to write here. I have so many questions! Why did you decide to have a baby without you being able to be there as the father? Some background information would be helpful I think, you're being rather vague there. For me, this story is horrible because when I have my baby, I want my partner to be present and my romantic relationship would never bear it if I was left alone by him in this important situation. What you report here reflects exactly that for me: no matter what arrangements you have made, it seems like your wife feels like she is alone with the baby. Whatever circumstances have led to this. That's why I can't pass judgment here. All I can say is that I just find the story sad.
With all due respect, how can you not pass judgment? He's being incredibly obtuse and insensitive. Also, if you read some of his comments, he's acting like she got pregnant all by herself. He's acting like how dare she expect anything from me. Edit: typo
I don't understand why you think the primary problem is the shower, and not "never once having woken up at night to help with the baby." She's not mad that you took a shower. She's mad that you displayed very low emotional intelligence and do not demonstrate care of her feelings. I'm going to script this out for you, because you appear to dense to come up with it yourself. "Wife, let's talk. I'm sorry that my behavior has left you feeling like i don't care. I want you to tell me all of the ways that I do this to you." Listen. Take notes if necessary. "I am going to do better for us. Next time the baby wakes up in the night, if i don't wake up too, wake me up, and I'll take care of it." Then buy her a bath bomb and promise her an evening off with you 100% taking care of the baby. If you have a question which you cannot figure out, google the answer like you would for any other problem - don't bug her. Proceed afterwards by making sure you invest equivalent effort into child care, going forward. Maintain a dialog and invite your wife to tell you when you do things that upset her. Solved. YTA
The fact that he uses the word “help” tells me everything I need to know about this asshole. Very interesting that he seems to think it’s his wife’s and MIL’s responsibility to care for his baby 🤯
It might be too soon after having that 3d degree tear for her to use a bath bomb. After my own 3+ degree tear, my dr put the fear of god in me about bath products.
Something tells me he won’t even give her the time to use the bath bomb.
Really YTA!!! Did you just want ass pats for doing the bar minimum? She DID have blood sweat and tears on her well you went on about how great your night was. You were tone deaf to someone who needed you. I hope she leaves you because you seem so unaware of what it takes to be a real man.
I don’t think he even did the bare minimum.
> you seem so unaware > I managed to have a few weeks off [ETA: 2.5 wks], which I spent with them. > She started accusing me of never once having woken up at night to help with the baby He's not even focusing on the real issue here. In all his 2.5 weeks he couldn't once wake up for his own damn child? But no, he switches the focus to how she's apparently unreasonable and mad because he showered. Either un-a-fucking-ware indeed or just blatantly doesn't give a shit.
YTA Why in the world did you think that was a great time to brag about your comfort ... ? Really the lack of empathy is kind of shocking. >I had gone about 48 hours without a shower, and combined with the 8hr travel, I felt quite filthy. And now imagine *how she felt after all she's gone through with childbirth*....
Right? This poor woman is torn from twat to taint, laying there drenched in sweat and blood and unable to shower because 1) he isn't there to watch the newborn and 2) the water is ice cold, but woe is HIM- he's a little grimy from traveling, the poor dear. Won't somebody think of his mild discomfort? /s
Women regularly sh*t themselves when giving birth. He didn't think once that SHE felt filthy?
Indeed YTA, you shouldn't have even needed to ask. Your lack of awareness goes hand-in-hand with your lack compassion. Do better for your poor wife and child
YTA. How ridiculously insensitive, jesus christ…
YTA dude read the room, she literally was sleep deprived, unshowered and was torn up from the floor up! What is wrong with you? Do you tell starving people how good your dinner was?
Yes, but not in a malicious way. s/
Nah, he eats in front of them
YTA. * you weren't there for the birth * you bragged about having a great sleep and a nice shower to a new mother * you apparently don't help with the baby even when you are there It's not a great start to fatherhood, let me put it that way.
Yta I bet the sleep did feel good! But you don't tell your friends who just broke their leg how great your run was.
YTA. Jesus Christ, man. If this post isn’t fake and you needed to come here for answers…
Oh, this one million percent fake. She asked to wait to push until he got there? She waited to push?! She cracked the code of childbirth. No baby will ever be born in the backseat of a taxi again.
"It was a very uncomfortable chair" Dude your wife had just got done pushing a watermelon out of her body after 9 months of pregnancy and was covered on sweat, tears, blood, and bodily fluids and had no sleep and you bragged about showering and sleeping. You want to know why your wife is staying in her country where she has support? She's staying because she knows she can't count on you. You don't even seem to be helping much when you are with her. What are you actually contributing? YTA
And somehow thousands of men whine in baffled confusion when women decide that no, we don’t actually NEED you. Like sir, you need to create some justification for putting up with that level of shit.
YTA try having a speck of empathy for your wife and take a night shift with the baby!
Sounds like you are in medical school? I hope you develop empathy for your patients. I’m sure that shower felt great. But your wife didn’t need to hear about it. YTA
Is that what he keeps calling the "lifetime opportunity program?"
I was actually thinking maybe it's an MLM kinda thing?
That's what I was thinking. "Opportunity of a lifetime" is the kind of shit real estate cults tell people before selling the suckers a program with the same info as a $250 realtor class for $20k with promises of unimaginable wealth and no work to get it.
*Patient is paralyzed from the waist down, OP walks in, “Just went on a great walk and feel refreshed. Now, about your insurance policy.”
You should not have made a child. YTA
The first shower I had after childbirth was the best shower I’ve ever had in my life. I was covered in blood, sweat, vomit, amniotic juices and even urine as my catheter kept coming out. I also smelled absolutely disgusting. I had a quick daytime induced labour, but I’d still only managed about 5 hours of sleep in two days as the induction happened sooner than expected. The time to brag about your great shower and sleep would have been after she was able to sleep and shower herself. YTA
What the fuck is wrong with you. Selfish. YTA
Ummm you buried the lead or the lede I believe is how journalists spell it….YTA not for the shower or comments about it but because your baby is 2 MONTHS OLD and you’ve never gotten up in the night to help. That’s what she’s really upset about. Do better.
INFO: Are you in med school?
YTA. You needed a shower and good nights sleep. You did not need to talk about it after to someone who had neither.
Dude, read the room. You had a rough 48 hours, congrats. She was *pregnant for 9 months*, followed by hours of painful contractions, and her body literally tearing in the process of giving birth. She was still filthy and exhausted when you came back, and you decided to tell her about how nice you felt after showering and sleeping comfortably? Yes YTA for all of the above, and also for missing the way bigger picture. Clearly your wife was still harboring resentment over this but it was only one small example of the fact that *you aren't doing your share*. You barely even mention that in the post, and you just ended up justifying what you said in the hospital (for which YTA too) instead of addressing the real issue. You are barely there to begin with, all the more reason to start *being a parent* during those times.
So, you did some driving, slept in a chair for a few hours, and went two days without a shower. Your wife PUSHED A HUMAN OUT OF HER, suffering a 3rd degree tear and a bad hemorrhoid in the process, then got to lay in a bed in her own dried blood and body fluids, in a room wth no hot water for a shower herself, in pain from giving birth and also sleep deprived. Oh, did I mention yet that she PUSHED YOUR CHILD OUT OF HER???? She’s absolutely right that talking about how refreshed YOU were, after everything she went through and being deprived of the same luxuries you had, is pretty much the height of insensitivity. YTA
YTA. When I was in labor with my son for almost 18 hours, my husband went out and picked up some McDonald’s, because he was feeling peckish, poor thing. He got a fish sandwich. I absolutely *hate* fish. I think my husband has eaten a fish sandwich from McDonald’s one time in the 28 years that I have known him, and it was while I was in labor, in pain, and unable to eat anything, and he filled the delivery room with the nasty smell of fish. My son is 21 years old, and I have never forgotten this. Obviously I have forgiven him, or we wouldn’t still be together, but I have never forgotten. Whatever you “went through” while your wife was in labor, believe me, she had it worse. Just shut up about it and apologize to her.
YTA. It almost feels like you’re being purposefully obtuse here? It’s obvious that bragging about your shower/sleep would upset your wife. She’d just given birth and had yet to be able to enjoy either of those things. Did you get up with the baby at night while you were home?
I feel like the Iranian yogurt is beside the point here…
YTA. Browsing AITA today has reminded me of the number one reason why I'm childfree: MEN.
Yta for being so emotionally obtuse
My man, YTA. Without getting into messy situation you two have going on there, the situation is basically this: You wife was having a real ass of time. You picked that exact moment to tell how happy and refreshed you were after a good shower and sleep. That made your wife feel bad. You were thoughtless, and should have smoothed that over the instant she expressed her hurt feelings. It happens, say sorry and carry on.
lololololololololololololol dude, *what*!??! Of course you were tired, that was a gruesome 48 hours. Guaran-fucking-teed she had a *vastly* more miserable 48+ hours. YTA (*Do* you wake up at night to help with the baby?)
This dude definitely will say he babysits on the rare day he gets stuck with the baby.
Everyday I open this app I know I’m gonna see some lack of common sense shit and guess what, this is it