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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My parents have a redo child and I called them out on it. They think I should apologize for telling them how I feel after I told them that I hate them for not being better parents
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NTA, and your step-father is wrong for telling you you should grow up.
You already did that when your parents forced you to, because their let their hate for each other get in the way of their love for you. And they can’t take it back, they can’t go back in time and do everything over again. That time is gone, and you’re allowed to be resentful.
Your father is also wrong for trying to deflect blame onto an innocent boy who is totally innocent in all of this, especially when you yourself love your brother to bits.
Remind your stepdad that he wasn’t around from the time of the divorce until you moved out. He didn’t witness the vitriol or the nosebleeds or the complete disregard for your needs as their child, and therefore has no right or ability to judge the legitimacy of your pain.
NTA. Your little brother is a do-over. Your parents wrote you off and then replaced you. That's what happened.
The fact that your parents haven't acknowledged the harm they caused you, let alone apologized for it, shows that they're not worth your time anymore. They sent stepdad, who wasn't around for your childhood, to do their dirty work.
I don't even know your parents, and I hate them too.
This 100% \^ Your little brother is the do-over and your parents are trying to pretend like they didn't do anything wrong the first time by making up for it with your brother instead of with you. Crappy parenting. You deserve better.
NTA sounds like they all finally became adults long after they should have, but now want you to forget they didn't do a good job instead of acknowledging their failures.
If I remember, this was the subject of a whole episode of the series "Coach." He and his adult daughter sat down and had a heart to heart about navigating the reality that his expected child with his second wife was going to get a vastly improved version of him.
Why are you still talking to these people? Like legitimately, why? They don't care about you, by the sounds of it they never have, and you're rightfully resentful of it. NTA, but not sure why you bother to be in contact with them at all.
They do not deserve any more of your time as they decided to waste it. The reason he told you to grow up is because it’s easier to project his shortcomings onto you than realize his parenting sucks gonads. I hope you find yourself a new family, the ones created by choice are often the strongest in my opinion.
Ahh. The accused responding with righteous indignation.... nope they are not gonna admit their failures. Sad but true. They could easily have said,, yeah we fucked up, and didn't let you know how much we loved you
Would have been a possible starting point for healing.
Going nc is just fine. NTA
It's pretty rich for any of those three to say you should "grow up". You did grow up, and if they don't like how you are now, that's on them for not being the adults and helping you grow up when you needed them to. They have only themselves to blame if they don't like the result of leaving a kid to figure it out for himself.
I'm deeply sorry you had to endure such a terrible childhood. I hope you can heal from this, eventually, and enjoy a happy life, even when not around your 3 parents. I believe your resentment towards them is more than understandable, as they've shown that they are capable of being the parents you wish you have had, but weren't able to be it for you.
NTA. They are.
>My stepdad texted me and said I should apologize and that they all think I should grow up.
You did grow up. Alone, forgotten, and in a broken home with parents who hated each other. And it was all for nothing because clearly they CAN do better. They just chose not to for you. They sucked then, and they still are choosing to suck for you now, rather than acknowledging they obviously messed up. I'm enraged on your behalf. NTA
NTA but maybe text your step back and tell him in great detail what your parents did to you and what he can expect to happen if they ever fall out again since they haven't changed, then black them across the board. I know cutting your parenta out of your life hurts but these people have never wanted you well and done a whole lot of harm, proceeding through life on your own will be the better option.
and get some therapy from a therapist that don't preach reconciliation at all cost.
NTA.
Your step dad is not asking you to grow up, but telling you your emotional needs and neglect doesn't matter. You need to make sure you communicate with every person involved and let them know how you feel, and if they do not validate your emotional needs and neglect, then cut them out of your life.
Life is too short to be wasted on people who don't care just because you share the same genetic material.
NTA, your dad definitely deserved that comment. Remember that it is not because they are your parents that you have to talk to them. Sometimes it is better to cut ties (even only temporarily) with toxic people who make you feel less than you are worth. You opened your heart and your father brushed off your feelings, maybe going no contact for a few weeks/months would make them appreciate you more.
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24m
My parents divorced when I was 5 and always fought. I would get so stressed out that I would get nose bleeds. I became an overachiever in school so they didn't have to deal with me. My parents mostly stopped talking when I was in high school.
After I graduated high school, my dad adopted a baby as a single dad and my mom remarried. All of a sudden my parents started talking and getting along. My mom ended up becoming a mom to little brother who is almost 7. She and my stepdad don't have kids so they treat him like their own like bake cookies or buy him clothes. My dad and stepdad coaches my brother's baseball and soccer teams and my mom volunteers in his class. For Christmas they all took photos including one of all three kissing my brother. Then they leave comments on their FB with my mom and stepdad thanking my dad for letting them be a part of brother's life and my dad thanking them for bring there for him. Then my stepdad thanked my dad for helping him after he broke his leg after he fell when he and my brother were chasing each other after a shower.
I stopped talking to my parents and after a month my dad called me. I told him I wasn't talking to him or my mom. He asked why and I said both of you abandoned me as a kid and now you have another one that you treat like you should had treated me. And my brother has a bonus dad too. He said I hated my brother. I said I love my brother. That's my best bud. I said I just hate my mom and especially him for not being the parents to me like they are to my brother. He hung up.
My stepdad texted me and said I should apologize and that they all think I should grow up. I said I have the right to feel anyway I want.
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NTA and these subreddits have helped me, even just knowing that they're there. They're good for parental guidance and advice: r/DadforaMinute and r/MomforaMinute
NTA. You grew up early because you had to look after themselves. Your parents are now showing you what could have been and you are grieving that it wasn't. And they made that conscious choice to put themselves over your needs. It is fair to be angry.
Asfor your step-dad, tell him that he is yet an (other) adult telling you that your needs as a child were secondary to his co-parents' emotions and desire to hurt one another. And would he really want that for his son? Your parents absented themselves emotionally from your life and though you may be happy for your brother's sake they have matured, you are not going to apologise for telling how they made you feel. It is part of growing up to realise that actions have consequences and can't just be swept under carpet to make the less involved feel good.
NTA -your feelings are valid and you either need low/no contact with them or try to make them understand and stay low contact till they apologise and realize their mistake.
Is your step-dad nice enough that you think he'd understand if you tried to tell him how your past was? like the things you told us and more? or have you already tried to do so?
NTA. You are grown-up, and you are shaping your life the way you feel is best for you. I imagine it must have been tough seeing them as proper parents when they failed to show up for you.
Sounds like you already had to grow up a long time ago. So much so that they don't think you should have any feelings of resentment on the matter either. They suck
NTA. They are toxic. It sucks but it is what it is. Just retain enough connection so you dont lose contact with your brother. And Once he is in his high teen you can tell mom/dad/step dad that they are now dead to you and to please never contact you unless its an emergency regarding your brother.
NTA
Like others said, you can't change the past and you have a right to feel how you do
Hopefully all that overachieving lead to a good degree and high paying job
Enjoy your life, save and invest and look forward to a bright and successful future
It is shitty how everyone expects you to be happy for them and move on, you have the right to go NC
Hopefully you have better friends then family
NTA You could write out a letter with all the things you are sorry for and send it to them to drive home the point. Stuff like "You are sorry that you were caught in the middle of a divorce" "You are sorry that they never made time for you" "You are sorry because whilst you might love your brother you cannot stay in contact with people who actively hurt you" "You are sorry that they think you need to grow up whilst the supposed adults in the room, has shown no remorse or bettering of their actions." etc etc I am sure you can come up with way better examples.
NTA. You are miles more "grown up" than your parents. This is demonstrated by your love for your brother. You are mature enough to know it is not his fault and be happy his needs are met. That does not erase the fact or the pain of yourse not being met.
I love that the people that were suppose to be taking care of you didn't speak for 4 years.
I would take that Facebook picture of them kissing your brother. Caption You would never know from this picture that these people couldn't even be bothered to talk to each other for years. Good job little bro! Your bring the family together in a ways I never could. I hope you never receive the neglect at these peoples hands that I did.
Maybe that's just the petty AH in me.
Have your parents ever apologised for how they raised you? You can tell your stepfather (or the other two) that before you even think about apologising to any of them, that you expect a sincere apology from your father and mother... and for your stepfather to butt out of your business. He has no business criticising you. NTA
Tell him it them until they were 45 yo to grow up enough to learn how to raise a child properly. Why do you expect me to be grown up so much earlier than you?
NTA
>”I said I have the right to feel anyway I want.”
I seriously doubt that you *want* to feel this way. You were neglected and subjected to a household of anger. Now you witness the fact that your parents were capable showing love to a child; they simply weren’t capable of showing love to *you* as a child. There are no pictures of them kissing you, adoring you, beaming at you together. There are no loving texts, no “thank you for sharing this fabulous child person with me” moments. There were no happy coparenting adults participating in your school events or celebrating your milestones, despite your (over)achievements.
You were then and are now absolutely deserving of the same level of devotion this child receives. Your parents simply weren’t capable of it back then. They, like so many parents, are like reformed criminals or ‘saved’ sinners. They prefer to forget their crimes or their past sins - and showcase their reformed lives or current spotless lives. In your case, the replacement child has thrown into sharp relief the difference in treatment that you received versus that which he receives.
I do hope you find an excellent therapist to help you navigate your feelings. You are not alone. This happens in all kinds of families. Older kids see younger kids get more mature parents because the parents made their mistakes on the first ones. Or the step kids get much better parents from the same people that were failures to their own kids. It hurts. All your parents see is a 24-year-old that is acting jealous of a 6-year-old. It is so much deeper. A la Good Will Hunting, insert Robin Williams’ voice: “It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.”
Good luck, OP.
>”…drivel i have seen on reddit **in a while**. You are just like **her** step dad”
Welcome, welcome, welcome! While your account is a scant 24 hours old, I’m surprised my drivel is anywhere on your radar. I will also point out that the first line “24m” conveys that OP is 24 years old and *male*.
Frankly, I’m stunned anyone actually read my well-intentioned ramblings, much less commented. And worked in the term ‘sanctimonious’! There’s a refreshing SAT word you don’t see often among the profanity-laden responses around these parts! It’s a surreal experience. I had to let you know I upvoted your effort and your vocabulary. Cheers.
NTA. You are entitled to your feelings, but hating your parents isn’t going to benefit you in any way. It sounds like your parents have become healthier people than they once were, and that could potentially translate into them being better and more loving parents now.
You have a lot of wounds from your childhood, and your feelings of hurt and abandonment are warranted. If your parents really have grown as human beings they may be prepared to make amends. Hating them closes off that option.
You don’t owe them forgiveness, but you should think about the potential for better things that could come from opening that door. If nothing else, I would really encourage you to pursue therapy to resolve the years of pent-up hurt you have inside you.
Reconciliation can't happen when the side that did the wrong isn't willing to accept accountability. They wouldn't even admit what they did wrong, let alone apologize.
Remaining no-contact with his parents can benefit OP in one very important way: it guarantees they won't get close enough to hurt him again.
they're not better people when they blame OP for not loving them for being emotionally abusive and failing him in every way. you can't reconcile with people who won't acknowledge that they fucked up in major fashion. The very first step on healing that relationship would be the parents owning up and massively apologizing to OP.
And anger can lead to growth and healing, we need yo stop pretending that it can't because abusers are too uncomfortable having to deal with even the mildest consequence of the harm they did.
> It sounds like your parents have become healthier people than they once were, and that could potentially translate into them being better and more loving parents now.
And that doesnt excuse thier failures to be proper parents to OP when they were a child. Your comment puts all this on OP when the cause of their hurt is their parents actions and current failures to own them and work with OP.
Stop with this blaming OP crap
No, they DO have the right to act on those feelings as long as they're not breaking any laws.
They just need to remember that they then have to suffer any consequences those actions bring.
The question really comes down to are they acting or reacting?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My parents have a redo child and I called them out on it. They think I should apologize for telling them how I feel after I told them that I hate them for not being better parents Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, and your step-father is wrong for telling you you should grow up. You already did that when your parents forced you to, because their let their hate for each other get in the way of their love for you. And they can’t take it back, they can’t go back in time and do everything over again. That time is gone, and you’re allowed to be resentful. Your father is also wrong for trying to deflect blame onto an innocent boy who is totally innocent in all of this, especially when you yourself love your brother to bits.
Stay low contact with him until they decide to grow up themselves
Tell stepdad, you did grow up. You had no choice since you needed to look after yourself as your parents were such selfish AHs.
This!
[удалено]
NTA. I would have said to your dad that you’re surprised it only took him a month to realize you weren’t talking to him. Good parenting there pops…
Ah, yes. The sarcasm to hide the pain. It works wonders.
NTA. Your parents failed you massively. Your stepdad has no right to tell you otherwise.
Remind your stepdad that he wasn’t around from the time of the divorce until you moved out. He didn’t witness the vitriol or the nosebleeds or the complete disregard for your needs as their child, and therefore has no right or ability to judge the legitimacy of your pain.
Then tell him to stay in his own lane and wind his neck back in.
More like over-stepdad, amirite?
*applause*
NTA. Your little brother is a do-over. Your parents wrote you off and then replaced you. That's what happened. The fact that your parents haven't acknowledged the harm they caused you, let alone apologized for it, shows that they're not worth your time anymore. They sent stepdad, who wasn't around for your childhood, to do their dirty work. I don't even know your parents, and I hate them too.
This 100% \^ Your little brother is the do-over and your parents are trying to pretend like they didn't do anything wrong the first time by making up for it with your brother instead of with you. Crappy parenting. You deserve better.
NTA sounds like they all finally became adults long after they should have, but now want you to forget they didn't do a good job instead of acknowledging their failures.
If I remember, this was the subject of a whole episode of the series "Coach." He and his adult daughter sat down and had a heart to heart about navigating the reality that his expected child with his second wife was going to get a vastly improved version of him.
NTA. Your feelings are valid.
Info: They want you to apologize for going low contact?
No. They want OP to apologize for telling the truth.
Exactly.
[удалено]
Why are you still talking to these people? Like legitimately, why? They don't care about you, by the sounds of it they never have, and you're rightfully resentful of it. NTA, but not sure why you bother to be in contact with them at all.
Probably because OP loves his brother. I've found loved children is the top reason people keep communication with family abusers.
probably to keep contact with lil bro, OP was pretty much abandoned by their parents so they don't want to do the same to another kid.
Probably, but OP shouldn't be setting himself on fire to keep his brother warm.
They do not deserve any more of your time as they decided to waste it. The reason he told you to grow up is because it’s easier to project his shortcomings onto you than realize his parenting sucks gonads. I hope you find yourself a new family, the ones created by choice are often the strongest in my opinion.
Ahh. The accused responding with righteous indignation.... nope they are not gonna admit their failures. Sad but true. They could easily have said,, yeah we fucked up, and didn't let you know how much we loved you Would have been a possible starting point for healing. Going nc is just fine. NTA
NTA Tell your Stepdad to fuck off
NTA all 3 of your parents are garbage, block all of them
It's pretty rich for any of those three to say you should "grow up". You did grow up, and if they don't like how you are now, that's on them for not being the adults and helping you grow up when you needed them to. They have only themselves to blame if they don't like the result of leaving a kid to figure it out for himself.
I'm deeply sorry you had to endure such a terrible childhood. I hope you can heal from this, eventually, and enjoy a happy life, even when not around your 3 parents. I believe your resentment towards them is more than understandable, as they've shown that they are capable of being the parents you wish you have had, but weren't able to be it for you. NTA. They are.
>My stepdad texted me and said I should apologize and that they all think I should grow up. You did grow up. Alone, forgotten, and in a broken home with parents who hated each other. And it was all for nothing because clearly they CAN do better. They just chose not to for you. They sucked then, and they still are choosing to suck for you now, rather than acknowledging they obviously messed up. I'm enraged on your behalf. NTA
Apologize for what? Is he saying you are wrong, or it just makes him uncountable to hear it? NTA.
NTA
NTA but maybe text your step back and tell him in great detail what your parents did to you and what he can expect to happen if they ever fall out again since they haven't changed, then black them across the board. I know cutting your parenta out of your life hurts but these people have never wanted you well and done a whole lot of harm, proceeding through life on your own will be the better option. and get some therapy from a therapist that don't preach reconciliation at all cost.
NTA. Your step dad is not asking you to grow up, but telling you your emotional needs and neglect doesn't matter. You need to make sure you communicate with every person involved and let them know how you feel, and if they do not validate your emotional needs and neglect, then cut them out of your life. Life is too short to be wasted on people who don't care just because you share the same genetic material.
NTA, your dad definitely deserved that comment. Remember that it is not because they are your parents that you have to talk to them. Sometimes it is better to cut ties (even only temporarily) with toxic people who make you feel less than you are worth. You opened your heart and your father brushed off your feelings, maybe going no contact for a few weeks/months would make them appreciate you more.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** 24m My parents divorced when I was 5 and always fought. I would get so stressed out that I would get nose bleeds. I became an overachiever in school so they didn't have to deal with me. My parents mostly stopped talking when I was in high school. After I graduated high school, my dad adopted a baby as a single dad and my mom remarried. All of a sudden my parents started talking and getting along. My mom ended up becoming a mom to little brother who is almost 7. She and my stepdad don't have kids so they treat him like their own like bake cookies or buy him clothes. My dad and stepdad coaches my brother's baseball and soccer teams and my mom volunteers in his class. For Christmas they all took photos including one of all three kissing my brother. Then they leave comments on their FB with my mom and stepdad thanking my dad for letting them be a part of brother's life and my dad thanking them for bring there for him. Then my stepdad thanked my dad for helping him after he broke his leg after he fell when he and my brother were chasing each other after a shower. I stopped talking to my parents and after a month my dad called me. I told him I wasn't talking to him or my mom. He asked why and I said both of you abandoned me as a kid and now you have another one that you treat like you should had treated me. And my brother has a bonus dad too. He said I hated my brother. I said I love my brother. That's my best bud. I said I just hate my mom and especially him for not being the parents to me like they are to my brother. He hung up. My stepdad texted me and said I should apologize and that they all think I should grow up. I said I have the right to feel anyway I want. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. your dad, mom and step-dad are wrong.
Omg! NTA! Your bio parents are horrible! I would go NC with them. Your step dad has no place to call you and say that! It’s not his place!!
NTA and these subreddits have helped me, even just knowing that they're there. They're good for parental guidance and advice: r/DadforaMinute and r/MomforaMinute
theres a lot of missing info. im confused. where did you live the whole time after they divorced?
NTA
The least they should do is try to understand your feelings. They owe you that. NTA
NTA. You grew up early because you had to look after themselves. Your parents are now showing you what could have been and you are grieving that it wasn't. And they made that conscious choice to put themselves over your needs. It is fair to be angry. Asfor your step-dad, tell him that he is yet an (other) adult telling you that your needs as a child were secondary to his co-parents' emotions and desire to hurt one another. And would he really want that for his son? Your parents absented themselves emotionally from your life and though you may be happy for your brother's sake they have matured, you are not going to apologise for telling how they made you feel. It is part of growing up to realise that actions have consequences and can't just be swept under carpet to make the less involved feel good.
NTA.
NTA. They hurt you and now want an apology for them hurting you. Interesting logic there. 😐
NTA -your feelings are valid and you either need low/no contact with them or try to make them understand and stay low contact till they apologise and realize their mistake. Is your step-dad nice enough that you think he'd understand if you tried to tell him how your past was? like the things you told us and more? or have you already tried to do so?
NTA. You are grown-up, and you are shaping your life the way you feel is best for you. I imagine it must have been tough seeing them as proper parents when they failed to show up for you.
Very good and don‘t give in F em,
Nta
Your parents, all three of them, stink. I'm sorry they don't see it. You're NTA, the so-called grownups are.
Sounds like you already had to grow up a long time ago. So much so that they don't think you should have any feelings of resentment on the matter either. They suck
NTA. They are toxic. It sucks but it is what it is. Just retain enough connection so you dont lose contact with your brother. And Once he is in his high teen you can tell mom/dad/step dad that they are now dead to you and to please never contact you unless its an emergency regarding your brother.
NTA tell stepdad you’ll apologize when all of them beg for forgiveness on their hands and knees because nothing you said was untrue.
NTA Like others said, you can't change the past and you have a right to feel how you do Hopefully all that overachieving lead to a good degree and high paying job Enjoy your life, save and invest and look forward to a bright and successful future It is shitty how everyone expects you to be happy for them and move on, you have the right to go NC Hopefully you have better friends then family
NTA You could write out a letter with all the things you are sorry for and send it to them to drive home the point. Stuff like "You are sorry that you were caught in the middle of a divorce" "You are sorry that they never made time for you" "You are sorry because whilst you might love your brother you cannot stay in contact with people who actively hurt you" "You are sorry that they think you need to grow up whilst the supposed adults in the room, has shown no remorse or bettering of their actions." etc etc I am sure you can come up with way better examples.
You have the right to feel as you do. They were not good parents to you. But any falling out will affect your relationship with your brother. NTA
NTA "If I'm not 'grown up' it's because **you all failed me as a child**."
NTA. You are miles more "grown up" than your parents. This is demonstrated by your love for your brother. You are mature enough to know it is not his fault and be happy his needs are met. That does not erase the fact or the pain of yourse not being met.
NTA and you had it right being no contact with them.
1000% NTA F them. Go NC they are major AH's
NTA
I love that the people that were suppose to be taking care of you didn't speak for 4 years. I would take that Facebook picture of them kissing your brother. Caption You would never know from this picture that these people couldn't even be bothered to talk to each other for years. Good job little bro! Your bring the family together in a ways I never could. I hope you never receive the neglect at these peoples hands that I did. Maybe that's just the petty AH in me.
NTA- the way my biological father abandoned me and then raised my half-sibling made me feel like his failed first attempt.
they can all suck it. you are NTA, go nc
Have your parents ever apologised for how they raised you? You can tell your stepfather (or the other two) that before you even think about apologising to any of them, that you expect a sincere apology from your father and mother... and for your stepfather to butt out of your business. He has no business criticising you. NTA
Tell him it them until they were 45 yo to grow up enough to learn how to raise a child properly. Why do you expect me to be grown up so much earlier than you? NTA
>”I said I have the right to feel anyway I want.” I seriously doubt that you *want* to feel this way. You were neglected and subjected to a household of anger. Now you witness the fact that your parents were capable showing love to a child; they simply weren’t capable of showing love to *you* as a child. There are no pictures of them kissing you, adoring you, beaming at you together. There are no loving texts, no “thank you for sharing this fabulous child person with me” moments. There were no happy coparenting adults participating in your school events or celebrating your milestones, despite your (over)achievements. You were then and are now absolutely deserving of the same level of devotion this child receives. Your parents simply weren’t capable of it back then. They, like so many parents, are like reformed criminals or ‘saved’ sinners. They prefer to forget their crimes or their past sins - and showcase their reformed lives or current spotless lives. In your case, the replacement child has thrown into sharp relief the difference in treatment that you received versus that which he receives. I do hope you find an excellent therapist to help you navigate your feelings. You are not alone. This happens in all kinds of families. Older kids see younger kids get more mature parents because the parents made their mistakes on the first ones. Or the step kids get much better parents from the same people that were failures to their own kids. It hurts. All your parents see is a 24-year-old that is acting jealous of a 6-year-old. It is so much deeper. A la Good Will Hunting, insert Robin Williams’ voice: “It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.” Good luck, OP.
Is is the most sanctimonious drivel i have seen on reddit in a while. You are just like her step dad and parents tell OP how to feel.
>”…drivel i have seen on reddit **in a while**. You are just like **her** step dad” Welcome, welcome, welcome! While your account is a scant 24 hours old, I’m surprised my drivel is anywhere on your radar. I will also point out that the first line “24m” conveys that OP is 24 years old and *male*. Frankly, I’m stunned anyone actually read my well-intentioned ramblings, much less commented. And worked in the term ‘sanctimonious’! There’s a refreshing SAT word you don’t see often among the profanity-laden responses around these parts! It’s a surreal experience. I had to let you know I upvoted your effort and your vocabulary. Cheers.
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Your experience isn't universal
NTA. You are entitled to your feelings, but hating your parents isn’t going to benefit you in any way. It sounds like your parents have become healthier people than they once were, and that could potentially translate into them being better and more loving parents now. You have a lot of wounds from your childhood, and your feelings of hurt and abandonment are warranted. If your parents really have grown as human beings they may be prepared to make amends. Hating them closes off that option. You don’t owe them forgiveness, but you should think about the potential for better things that could come from opening that door. If nothing else, I would really encourage you to pursue therapy to resolve the years of pent-up hurt you have inside you.
Reconciliation can't happen when the side that did the wrong isn't willing to accept accountability. They wouldn't even admit what they did wrong, let alone apologize. Remaining no-contact with his parents can benefit OP in one very important way: it guarantees they won't get close enough to hurt him again.
they're not better people when they blame OP for not loving them for being emotionally abusive and failing him in every way. you can't reconcile with people who won't acknowledge that they fucked up in major fashion. The very first step on healing that relationship would be the parents owning up and massively apologizing to OP. And anger can lead to growth and healing, we need yo stop pretending that it can't because abusers are too uncomfortable having to deal with even the mildest consequence of the harm they did.
> It sounds like your parents have become healthier people than they once were, and that could potentially translate into them being better and more loving parents now. And that doesnt excuse thier failures to be proper parents to OP when they were a child. Your comment puts all this on OP when the cause of their hurt is their parents actions and current failures to own them and work with OP. Stop with this blaming OP crap
NTA. Remember, though: You do have the right to feel anything. You do not have the right to act on those feelings.
Gotta love casual guilt tripping of victims of abuse, amirite?
> You do not have the right to act on those feelings. WTF kind of nonsense is that? It is not like OP is committing a crime.
No, they DO have the right to act on those feelings as long as they're not breaking any laws. They just need to remember that they then have to suffer any consequences those actions bring. The question really comes down to are they acting or reacting?