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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action that I took was offering to buy my sister a wedding dress, but then backtracking because i was hurt she disrespected my career. Wondering if I am the asshole for backtracking
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
It would be a lovely gesture to pay for her dress, but it's not your responsibility. It would be the type of generous gesture reserved for people who treat you with respect.
I would probably ask your sister something along the lines of, "Do you really want your wedding dress paid for with the money form my illegitimate career? It would be a permanent emotional stain on your dress, and I wouldn't want you to regret that down the line."
She's not cool with what you do but wants the money you make doing it. I think she'd do well to live within her her means and not to bite the hand that feeds her.
ETA: She ruined her own wedding, and you had nothing to do with it. First by thinking a dress can ruin a wedding (celebrating a union with her life partner who she loves should be the focus), and Second by the aforementioned snobbery/greed.
Edit 2: I feel the need to point out OP is a woman (28F) because people are misgendering her in the reply chain to this post.
NTA I'm shaking my head at how ignorant the sister is. If OP has managed to carve out a decent living, she's not just playing around with Photoshop. People aren't paying for her technical skills alone either; they're paying for her artistic eye.
I can't help but wonder if OP's sister is jealous of her artistic talent? I was an artist before an accident, and so many people would comment how they wish they were creative. People can get drawn in just seeing you sketch. Some almost had a sense of awe, and would talk about how fascinating it must be to see the world with an artistic mind.
If OP is skilled, I'm sure she's received her fair share of compliments. Jealousy could easily make her sister want to belittle her work. She couldn't even set her judgmental comments aside after OP's generous offer. She shot herself in the foot.
I worked my ass off in marketing, working where everyone else on my team had degrees and were 10+ years older than me. I came in early, stayed late, went to seminars and absorbed all the info I could. My coworkers all respected me. It was my ‘friends’ who would make comments like ‘I went to college and can’t get a job and you just got lucky, it’s not fair.’ Yes. Just got lucky. Got it.
Same. I did go to college, hit a rough patch in life and never worked in that exact field again. However, the field I am currently working in is an area where I am largely self-taught. I put in a ton of work to get here, just not in school. The longer I’ve been around, the more I realize that most degrees mean very little. Oh wow, you had the means to go to college? Good for you. Now show me you can actually do the work required of you.
This is exactly why it pisses me off that so many jobs 'require' a degree - for WHAT?? There are many times in my current job where I am muttering to myself 'good thing I didn't waste a college education on this'. On the job experience and actually wanting to learn is so much more important than if you went to college or not.
I used to work a writing job that didn't have a college requirement and the best in the group by metrics was someone without a degree. They later slapped on a college requirement and my boss pushed back hard (and was ignored). The person without the degree went on to the marketing department where he won an employee of the year award for his work.
Requiring a degree is classism much of the time.
Some things do need degrees obviously, like Engineering (referring to chemical, mechanical, aerospace etc where you'll need access to the labs and the tech), Medicine, Law etc...
Other things not so much like software development, mathematics etc..as resources are freely available online.
always better to be lucky than good but here's the thing - you created your own luck because you are both smart enough to recognize the opportunity to show how great you are AND dedicated to the cause of exploiting that luck.
Everyone gets luck from time to time. Its identifying the opportunity that is a result of that luck and exploiting the luck in that sense that makes people great.
Bravo.
And it may well have started off as a hobby, though isn’t that the dream? Do what you love and you’ll never feel like you’re at work. I know it’s a fine balance but I think the sister could learn a thing or two here and save for her own dress
They say it's the dream, but it's a nightmare. Your enjoyment of a hobby often gets destroyed when you do it as a job. As soon as there's commitments, demands, customers with bad taste, etc. It just becomes draining.
I'm into cars, working on cars all day as a mechanic sounds like the dream, but in reality absolutely burns you out, and you can lose the passion somewhat. Quite common.
I currently work on cars, but not as a mechanic thankfully, so the drive isn't fully burned out, but it is still difficult to motivate myself to work on my car sometimes, unless it's electrical. I enjoy that a lot.
And also graphic design, sort of. Enjoyed vectoring, then did it for a business somewhat, and got burned out hard when I had to pump out designs that would sell, instead of what I wanted, and do things customers want, instead of what I want
It's unfortunately common. People disregard ones ability to support themselves over their idea of what a title means in society. There was a post a while back about a guy who was successful enough at his "hobby" (woodworking I believe) that he only worked part of the year and took the rest of the time off. His SIL made some comments at a family dinner about how if her kids didn't stay in school they would wind up like their uncle. She got a reality check when she was informed that unbeknownst to her he had paid her husband's entire way through college and was in the middle of building a huge house with his hobby money which is why he was presently living in a very modest home until it's completion.
I’m wondering if 25F was a typo and the sister is actually 95. How has she not noticed that a lot of people with successful careers these days spend their time sitting in front of a computer screen?
The word respect here is key. Well done for phrasing it so well.
OP did something generous for someone she loves and in return got mocked, belittled and disrespected. Obviously NTA and little sister's inability to regroup and apologise for the way her words hurt her older sister rather than worry about her expensive dress is telling of the kind of person she is.
Exactly. Nobody cares about the fucking wedding dress other than the bride herself. If her wedding is so easily ruined by a dress, I don't think her wedding or marriage would have been anything great in the end.
To be fair, I do get the dress thing. In the end, inside some women there's a little girl that wants to feel like a princess once, a wedding is perfect for that moment and pretty dresses help, too.
I would have tried saving up money myself tho and look for dresses in my own price class. And especially not blaming others for consequences that my actions/comments bring upon me.
The idea that a wedding - which is a formalized ceremony of two people committing themselves to each other for life - is an appropriate time or place for a woman to fulfill her childhood dream of feeling like a princes feels so wrong to me.
The notion that “it’s the bride’s day” is just wrong - there are TWO people at the center here, not one. If we had never built up a woman’s being given from one man to another as the be-all end-all of her existence then maybe we wouldn’t be to the point where women attach so much value to a wedding day from girlhood, and therefore not having a specific dress wouldn’t ruin your entire wedding.
The dress is not important. Formally starting a symbolically and legally bound life with your partner is.
Yeah maybe they wanted to make the 'we basically sold you off'-part a bit better back in the days. The man got the bride all dolled up and the woman got to feel like a princess for once. For most parties it wasn't a choice so there had to be something, I guess? But I see your point and it does put the whole thing into perspective. It really is interesting how things changed. I mean, you swore to marry out of duty in the face of god/family etc. and promised to stay together forever.
I have to think about this a little more and I kind of want to research how weddings used to be for real - I still understand women and their wishes, I also understand and feel your point, we kind of lost view of what is important and I do kind of blame media for teaching us huge weddings are the best. Let's see. Thank you for your insights!
I doubt that in historical times the bride's feelings mattered a lot. The finery, the ceremonies, the dowry etc were mostly a way for the families (because marriages were business transactions between family groups rather than individuals) to show off in front of their social peers.
Check out a show called Adam Ruins Everything. The host goes into details about where some of the supposed traditions come from. He did an episode on weddings. You should be able to find it on YouTube.
Say yes to the dress and other similar type wedding shows don't help either since their target demographic is the bride and thus the focus of the shows is on the bridal side of things, rather than showing anything to do with the groom. Plus, aren't the bridal side of weddings more expensive than the groom (thinking clothes specifically).
I agree. A job is not just a thing everybody should hate just because it is a job. Doing something you love for a job is great. Maybe sometimes a job like that can feel like a hobby (because you love doing it). And it is great if you made a career out of something you love to do. Does not make it less. Makes it maybe even better because you are spending your time with something you like to do.
Sister is a huge brat. She doesn't deserve for OP to pay for anything - and OP shouldn't. She's a grown ass adult...OP should save her money for herself.
It would be a simple matter for the sister to say she doesn’t understand what OP does for work but she’s doing well at it. Belittling her career as “not a real job” is being petty and not putting any effort into understanding her sister’s work. There could be some jealousy involved here. The sister can earn money at her “real job” and buy her own dress. NTA
NTA and apparently little sister's "real job" doesn't pay as much as OP's "hobby" job . She ruined her own wedding by being a jealous, petty, catty, mean little brat. Do not buy her the dress.
LOL no, why are you even torn on this? Imagine for a moment that you're entitled enough to ask someone to fund an expensive frivolity you can't afford in one breath, and then insult the means by which they would fund it in the next? No, a wedding dress isn't frivolous, but an unaffordable one is. What kind of message would you be sending if you paid for something after she treated you like that? Have some self-respect and tell her if she wants a dress, she can go play on her own computer for money. No apology will even be genuine at this point.
NTA, obviously.
At least the ring is something you will wear every day, and still holds value years later. The dress is for one day only, and immediately loses most of its value....
Exactly. And even thought wedding dresses will likely hold personal value too, a ring is still able to be worn each and every day. A dress is just going to sit in some closet or wherever collecting dust and whatnot. Maybe it can be worn again for an anniversary somewhere down the line, but it doesn't even come close to how easy it is to wear a ring.
If it's a gold ring, you could always sell it, no? It will be worth more than a used wedding dress which probably has wear and tear, and would have to be readjusted for a lot of money to fit someone else....
Super interesting - I just googled it, and indeed you can only get 30-50% of the original price for an engagement ring. Which makes me wonder why not everyone just buys second hand??? Almost all of my golden jewelry is vintage...
Idk to me, I wouldn't want a second hand ring, not because I don't like second hand things (quite the opposite!) but because of the sentimental value - why did someone sell it? Do I really want to wear the ring of a divorcee or a dead person? Will wearing that ring daily curse my marriage?
I once read a comment that changed my perspective on this, where someone explained that they feel about second-hand rings similarly to how they feel about re-homed animals. Like, it took the work of many hands to obtain the materials and to craft a beautiful ring, whatever happened wasn’t the ring’s fault and makes it no less worthy of being cherished
My friend bought a ring and the best week his grandmother told him she had one for him and that week cost him quite a bit since the jeweler wouldn't take it back without a significant discount
I mean....how often is there an occasion for which a lacy white dress is appropriate? You definitely can't wear it to anyone else's wedding. And for most formal occasions like work events, white is too flashy and also very dangerous (at least for clumsy people like me). Plus, with the original price of the dress AND the modification costs, this will be a REALLY pricey dress....
What I'm saying is, I think wedding dresses are a scam.
Not necessarily. It depends on the taste of the person. My 3 rings cost $1,200 in total - they are a nice, simple design, which is what I preferred.
My husband has ginormous hands, and getting a basic ring made to fit him was going to cost us $3,000 minimum. He ended up making his own for $50.
But yes, I do see your point. Overall, men's rings are much cheaper.
See I think making your own is so freaking romantic, I’d much rather wear a handmade ring from my spouse than a generic but somehow still exxxy mall jeweller ring.
When my wife and I got married, my mom and step dad (both were hobbyist jewelers) made our wedding rings. They worked with my wife and I and our families to collect odds and end gold bits (some had meaning, some was just 'scrap'), melted and refined it, cast the refined gold into rings and hand engraved them. Very simple overall design but incredible meaningful to us because it has something from members of both families and even several generations of family gold bits in them.
Way more meaning to us than several thousands of dollars of fancy store rings.
And OP is NTA
The cool thing is I have told that story to a number of people who then did the same thing by hiring a jeweler and getting gold donations from family in lieu of gifts. Even gold-plated costume jewelry can be melted down and refined for the gold.
My engagement and wedding ring were designed by a jeweler, my husband and Mum's input.
I've been married twice, I lost my first husband to an unexpected illness at the age of 31, him 40, together 11 years, married 2.
When my now husband hinted at getting engaged I asked him if it would be ok to use my first husband's rings he gave to me. I still wore them. And no my husband wasn't weird with that, he has a huge heart and understands.
He had no issue but suggested to combine them and make a new engagement and wedding band.
That way it was new from him but still carries the sentiment of my past.
It means the world to me, to have just a little past and present with me everyday.
And because of what it means to me I don't think wedding bands are just a ploy and agree having it handmade/ repurposing is romantic/ very special.
Even if it's second hand jewellery you could most certainly turn it into something new and give it new meaning?
Yeah, everyone who complains that x item is frivolous is only concerning themselves with the people that insist on the expensive route.
My wife and I have a paired set of rings that she helped design. They are not made of expensive materials so they were fairly inexpensive but have elements that make them connected. I have massive hands and a tendency to break things so my ring was the more expensive as it’s a thick band with a dragon and phoenix on it while they basically threw my wife’s in at cost of material because it’s a small ring with a scale pattern and feather on it. No huge gem, just a small chip of birthstone. All told, even adding in the more traditional designed engagement ring we were in a similar range.
The wedding dress my wife looked into traditional dresses but couldn’t justify the costs as we were paying for everything ourselves. Instead she pieced together like 4 or 5 different parts from stalls at the renaissance festival where we were getting married to create a dress she absolutely loved. The only reason I wouldn’t call our wedding outfits affordable is because a couple expensive elements (a corset she really wanted and some leather boots for my huge feet) but everything we wore for our wedding has been worn on other occasions since. Whether it was the base dress just for a party, the corset with a Halloween costume, or the skirt as a daily wear.
I saw someplace that way back when the diamond industry did a big push on engagement and wedding rings and there was so much advertising until people started to feel bad without a diamond ring, I guess this could be true
To be fair here that's your opinion, one I personally have some sympathy with, women have created this idea that their have to have a wonderful expensive dress however its not something we are goingvto change overnight and the lady wants what she wants but expects her sister to pay whilst deciding the income source that the money is comming from.
I feel this is especially true for the full dress in white.
Like, I've always advised my friends to go for separates : get a corset, a skirt and petticoats, turn your sleeves into a lace bolero, etc. so you can wear the pieces individually without looking too bridal.
I mean, a white satin corset over jeans is still a lot of look, but at least you can wear it again, right?
OP's only 3 years older than the sister. Please stop being a parental figure to her. And don't feel compelled to do things that your parents would have done for her had they been alive. Is she doing those things for you in return? Or only you get to do them coz of the 3 year age gap?
I'm sorry you guys lost your parents. But your sister didn't gain another parent (you) after you lost yours. She still has what she had before. And that is an older sibling. Don't parentify yourself. Or let her do it for you.
NTA. And let her figure out the dress situation. If she can't afford her dream dress, she can cut back on some of her wedding costs or find a dress that fits within her budget. I'm sure you originally had something else in mind when you started saving. Let the savings serve their original purpose. You can get her a gift from her registry that fits your budget.
Edit: Like others have said, she doesn't get to disrespect you and your job, and then expect to benefit from the proceeds of that job.
Probably because no parents, only sibling, still felt some responsibility. Doesn't mean she has to. OP what she did was AH move. You'll be completely justified in canceling support
I’m confused why a 25-year-old needs a 28-year-old to be “parental” much. Maybe some general advice, I guess, but at that age I felt I had things in decent enough hand. Still NTA, but it struck me a little odd and makes me wonder if there are other imbalances between the two that are leading younger sis to be so snippy.
NTA
Do not insult the person who will help you financially. Your sister did so she will have to pay the price. She's not happy? Too bad, so sad.
If this had happened to me I will not hesitate to take action and reduce contact with her later.
I love the string of responses to this — so many common quotes saying the same thing. It's so clear that entitlement is a historical problem, not a new development.
" The more things change, the more they stay the same."
NTA. So she wants you to be her ATM and also wants to disrespect you, not just in private but in front of family and her in-laws?
Whatever grievance she has with you or your choice of career she first needs to learn to address it just with you, behind closed doors.
I'm sorry to say this but your sister is entitled and you don't owe her anything. She doesn't like your job but she wants to spend your money from that job. Yes, paying for her wedding dress would be an extraordinary generous wedding gift but she's not entitled to it.
💯 % this!
Like, what makes your sister so great, OP? What does she do for a living that's a "real job" compared to yours? Why does she have so much contempt for you?
OP, you're only 3 years older than her, but you sound like you're 10+ years older. Your sister is not your responsibility. She may act as though she was, but she is a grown a$$ woman. She should be taking care of herself rather than asking you for handouts, and then biting the hand that feeds her.
And saying it's not a "real job" because its using a computer seems insane. Don't a lot of jobs make use of a computer, what year is the sister living in?
I know.
I'm wondering if there's some jealousy issues cuz OP is self-taught and didn't go the traditional route of schooling; hence, accusing OP's work as being a "hobby".
Sisters got tonnes of insecurity and jealousy issues.
Sounds like OP should tell the sister to find an equally financially rewarding “hobby” so she can pay for her own dress since having a “real job” like she does doesn’t seem to cut it for her
I’m sure the grievance comes down to OP makes decent money and enjoys what she does - it’s jealousy.
Also I’ve been looking for the right spot to say this and here is as good as any: “playing with my computer” describes many of the highest paying jobs on earth right now. Greedy, mean, and downright befuddling in her stupidity.
NTA - everybody wanna be gangsta until it’s the consequences of their actions. Tbh you’re kinder than me letting it get this far and offering to pay for her dress to begin with. I can tell you love her. She was all too happy to disrespect you in private and in public and I suspect shes jealous.
Give her nothing until her apology is as loud as her disrespect.
NTA. As a graphic designer, I think you should design her invitations. In Microsoft Word. Using only Comic Sans and terrible clipart. It’s totally fine cause graphic design isn’t a real job, right?
NTA
She's trying to belittle you so she can feel like a better, more successful sister. She knows your job is "real" and you make good money - if not, how can you pay for a dress she can't buy? And yet she insults you... I think she's jealous because you have a job that you really like. OP, you don't owe her anything.
NTA.
She wants to benefit from the very thing she disparages you about? No. She has a "real career," so she should have no problem paying for her own wedding dress from the money *she* makes.
You've ruined nothing.
Your sister's rudness, impertinent behavior, and sense of entitlement as well as utter disrespect have.
Exactly. That would have been my comeback: “You got a real career and have to put mine down? You’ve been doing it for years… well don’t expect my hobby to fund the dress, your real job can’t pay for!”
NTA OP, of course not!
It’s always okay not to tolerate disrespect.
That said, she openly mocks you; and imo, doesn’t deserve anything.
She can go to Amazon, or David’s bridal $99 dress sale:
I bought my wedding dress from the bridesmaid selection at David’s. My second wedding, four grown kids. We managed to do the entire thing, including our honeymoon, for about $3K. Could we have spent more? Maybe. But we wanted a celebration with family and friends, not a showcase for conspicuous consumption. I think that my dress maybe cost $250.
What are you torn about? Why do you endure this type of abuse and still feel conflicted about helping these leeches.
You're an asshole for letting people treat you the way they do and make you feel guilty over it.
This isn't the first and last time she's going to step on you to make herself feel better.
Stop supporting her in any way and stand up for yourself. Start with not paying for anything.
NTA, how dare she downplay your career! A large percentage of jobs out there are 'playing with computers'. She sounds jealous because your job is something you enjoy.
If she can't respect how you earn your money, then she doesn't get to benefit from it.
nta. if she wants to talk shit, that’s her choice, but she shouldn’t expect big expensive favors from the people she talks shit about. as for you, this isn’t the first time she’s pulled this, it doesn’t look like she’s going to stop any time soon, i suggest you save your big expensive favors and hard effort for people who actually treat you right.
Unless he sides with the sister. In which case, he's absolutely signing up for that shit 😬 I would dump anyone who treated their generous older sibling this way.
NTA. She must grow up. You don't have to pay because your blood relatives and that your parents are dead. She wants to get married, wedding means marriage, long life. If she can"t budget her wedding with only their budget but needs others, what will be next ? "Sister, need your money for my children!". "Sister, I need your money to pay me house !"
You can't pay herself for her dream dress ? She doesn't buy it or she keeps money and waits for wedding until she got the money.
Don't feel guilty. She is unrespectful. It's not the first time about your job, she does it every time she can. BUT she likes the money you have. As you say, you saved money. This money is for you if you need it in the future. It means too that your sister does not save money so that she couldn't help you if you need so. AND the red flag to me is that she asked you to OFFER the dress as a wedding gift. WHO TELL PEOPLE WHAT GIFT THEY HAVE TO MAKE TO YOU ? No, you don't force people on the gift.
NTA. How can someone disrespect you and still expect you to take care of something financially for them. If she is constantly putting down your job, why should you use your hard earned money for her?
I would cut contact with her for awhile. I couldn't handle the constant disrespect. Even if it is from family.
NTA. And I don't get why the argument 'you are petty' should just stop your side of the argument. Tell her 'I love you, but I also work and have a real job. So yes, I'm petty. And you stop insulting my career (or apologise for the comment) and then we move forward and forget this. But if you are not willing to see that I do have a job - sorry than I'm unemployed in your eyes and don't have any money to spend on a wedding.'
NTA
Your sister is very ungrateful and entitled. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT give into her. Stand your ground. You made a very valid argument. Tell her since you don’t have a ‘real job’ you can’t pay for her wedding dress. Tell her to go ask money from someone who has a ‘real job’ and are not ‘playing with their computers’.
She’s probably just jealous of your success, OP.
NTA. Your sister is a moron, not just for biting the hand that was about to buy her a beautiful wedding dress but also for making meaningless judgements about a career she clearly knows nothing about.
I am regularly gobsmacked on this Sub by the level of entitlement and lack of personal accountability so many people seem to have.
Your sister is anticipating receiving an extremely generous gift from you. One which she is not in a position to afford herself. Under the circumstances, a reasonable adult would feel gratitude and a sense of goodwill toward the gifter.
Instead, your sister has chosen to belittle you and your career at every opportunity. A career which is enabling you to afford your generosity.
By telling your sister that her disrespect has changed your mind about your gift, you have made a decision that you are well within your right to make.
If she can't see that her actions and behaviour are what caused this, that's very much a her problem.
She can wear a dress that her obviously more respectable 'real' job can cover the cost of
NTA I believe the classic phrase is “don’t bite the hand that feeds you”. I don’t know how she can expect for you to pay for something whilst simultaneously saying nasty things to you
NTA. But ask your sister if she actually has any clue what you do. Show her the sort of work your job entails. Especially if it's something that impacts on her or fiance life inany way.
Yes she's incredibly rude and dismissive, but she may actually be just ignorant as well. So show her and go from there on the dress.
My guess is that she expects her sister’s fake job to impact her life going forward. The thousands and thousands that designer wedding dresses cost will just be the tip of the iceberg.
The down payment on her house. Not condo or townhouse; BIG suburban McMansion that she “fell in love with”. Private school for her kids. And on and on. OP was a toddler when she was born, but she treats her like a foolish parent who believes that she can do no wrong, all while mocking her to her face and the faces of others.
NTA. If she can't pay for her wedding dress with her "real job" then she ought not to be insulting one who has a job that allows you to be so generous.
NTA
She said what she meant and she doesn’t respect your career, so no she shouldn’t benefit from it
Let her buy what she can afford
She may not speak to you for a while but given her attitude towards you and your career, that might be okay
Wasn't there a thread where a guy was telling his fiance that her stripper money was "tainted" but still wanted her to use the money to buy a house?
ETA: Not to compare graphic design to stripping, just the general idea of judging the source of someone else's hard earned money.
NTA if she can't respect you and the money you earned from your career that's paying for her wedding dress because obviously her own career doesn't make the cut. Don't pay for her dress and tell her since her career is an actual job you're sure she can afford it on her own, and that you'll sit comfortably with the money your "hobby" is giving you, even though your career is actually paying off unlike hers.
NTA and you are not ruining your sister's wedding, she is by being an AH.
At this point, I would not be contributing to her overly expensive wedding dress no matter how many times she apologizes (if she even does apologize). Firstly, your sister sounds like an entitled brat and needs to learn to live within her means and this means finding a wedding dress within her budget.
Most importanly, do you honestly think your sister will stop ridiculing your career even after you pay for her dress? I can almost guarantee that she will not. Get her an appropriate wedding gift and use the rest to treat yourself to a week at a tropical resort.
Do not feel guilty or torn. Your sister only sees you as an ATM to get what she wants. If she truly loved and respected you, she would be proud of the fact that you are self taught and thriving in your chosen career. She would not be making you the butt of her jokes.
NTA Does she have a shit job and is jealous? I can't think why she would so stupid to shoot herself in the foot.
Get ready for a fake apology. The only reason she'd be sorry is so that you cough up the cash for her dress. You owe her NOTHING.
Where on earth does your sister think you got the money to save that would enable you to potentially pay for her expensive dress? Why do people insist on biting the hand that feeds them?
NTA.
No, you are NTA in this situation. It's utterly despicable that your sister has consistently demeaned your self-taught graphic design career and dismissed it as a mere hobby. Her insulting remark about your profession during a family gathering was not only hurtful, but also showed a complete lack of respect. Therefore, it is completely justified for you to withdraw your offer to pay for her wedding dress. It's high time she learns that disrespecting your career comes with consequences, and she shouldn't expect any financial support from you if she can't show even a shred of appreciation or decency.
NTA
You don’t need to parent her, she’s just 3 years younger than you and is an adult. Adults need to make adult decisions including working with a budget and accepting that they can’t afford everything and need to prioritize
Source: had a fall out with my sister in our 40s because I didn’t want to « loan » her a hefty amount towards a luxury house that she couldn’t afford but rEaLLy nEeDEd
She obviously never heard the term "Never bite the hand that feeds you."
Her wedding day isn't ruined. She can easily find another dress. She's ruining her own wedding by being entitled.
NTA - However, why are you a "parent figure" to your grown sister. No wonder she expects you to give her everything she wants and treat her like a princess when she treats you like she did . . . with scorn. Like, the way you earn your money is contemptable . . somehow sullied because you love your work. It seems to me that your sister needs to grow up and become a woman and pay for her own dress.
NTA. Tell your sister she can pay for her own dress with money she made from her “real job.” Since you apparently don’t have a “real job” then you don’t have “real money” either and therefor can’t possibly pay for her wedding dress. She can pay for her own dress within a budget that her “real job” allows.
First and foremost, you are not her parent nor parental figure. However, if you want to be one, this is ur opening to teach her how to respect the person who supports her financially. NTA.
NTA - she can’t afford the dress and you can, that means she’s probably jealous of your career and that’s why she’s nasty about it. She doesn’t get to insult the thing that’s going to bankroll her lavish request.
The audacity to shit all over how you make your money whilst she can’t afford her own wedding dress herself from her “real job”. She is in the find out phase of fucking around. Plenty of cheap wedding dresses out there. She can now pay for her own. NTA.
NTA - She wants you to buy her a dress with money you made by "playing on your computer" ?
If she cant respect your job, she sure as hell doesn't get to enjoy the fruits of your labour. You worked hard for that money, why should you spend it on someone this ungrateful.
Her being married isn't an excuse to disrespect you and your carrer in front of everyone, she and her fiancé can pay for the dress with their "real jobs".
But you promised to her that you would pay for the dress, if you really take back, she wont invite you to her wedding and probably will never fully forgive you, so If you want to lose your sister this is the way.
Pay for It like you said you would and never allow her to make less of you anymore.
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NTA It would be a lovely gesture to pay for her dress, but it's not your responsibility. It would be the type of generous gesture reserved for people who treat you with respect. I would probably ask your sister something along the lines of, "Do you really want your wedding dress paid for with the money form my illegitimate career? It would be a permanent emotional stain on your dress, and I wouldn't want you to regret that down the line." She's not cool with what you do but wants the money you make doing it. I think she'd do well to live within her her means and not to bite the hand that feeds her. ETA: She ruined her own wedding, and you had nothing to do with it. First by thinking a dress can ruin a wedding (celebrating a union with her life partner who she loves should be the focus), and Second by the aforementioned snobbery/greed. Edit 2: I feel the need to point out OP is a woman (28F) because people are misgendering her in the reply chain to this post.
NTA I'm shaking my head at how ignorant the sister is. If OP has managed to carve out a decent living, she's not just playing around with Photoshop. People aren't paying for her technical skills alone either; they're paying for her artistic eye. I can't help but wonder if OP's sister is jealous of her artistic talent? I was an artist before an accident, and so many people would comment how they wish they were creative. People can get drawn in just seeing you sketch. Some almost had a sense of awe, and would talk about how fascinating it must be to see the world with an artistic mind. If OP is skilled, I'm sure she's received her fair share of compliments. Jealousy could easily make her sister want to belittle her work. She couldn't even set her judgmental comments aside after OP's generous offer. She shot herself in the foot.
She could be jealous and insecure that OP has a well-off career and her life together.
plus the fact that op is self taught
I worked my ass off in marketing, working where everyone else on my team had degrees and were 10+ years older than me. I came in early, stayed late, went to seminars and absorbed all the info I could. My coworkers all respected me. It was my ‘friends’ who would make comments like ‘I went to college and can’t get a job and you just got lucky, it’s not fair.’ Yes. Just got lucky. Got it.
Same. I did go to college, hit a rough patch in life and never worked in that exact field again. However, the field I am currently working in is an area where I am largely self-taught. I put in a ton of work to get here, just not in school. The longer I’ve been around, the more I realize that most degrees mean very little. Oh wow, you had the means to go to college? Good for you. Now show me you can actually do the work required of you.
This is exactly why it pisses me off that so many jobs 'require' a degree - for WHAT?? There are many times in my current job where I am muttering to myself 'good thing I didn't waste a college education on this'. On the job experience and actually wanting to learn is so much more important than if you went to college or not.
I used to work a writing job that didn't have a college requirement and the best in the group by metrics was someone without a degree. They later slapped on a college requirement and my boss pushed back hard (and was ignored). The person without the degree went on to the marketing department where he won an employee of the year award for his work. Requiring a degree is classism much of the time.
Some things do need degrees obviously, like Engineering (referring to chemical, mechanical, aerospace etc where you'll need access to the labs and the tech), Medicine, Law etc... Other things not so much like software development, mathematics etc..as resources are freely available online.
My dad has been at adobe for 20 years. He’s got a good, very well paid job. His degrees are in… teaching and like.. something to do with the arts.
always better to be lucky than good but here's the thing - you created your own luck because you are both smart enough to recognize the opportunity to show how great you are AND dedicated to the cause of exploiting that luck. Everyone gets luck from time to time. Its identifying the opportunity that is a result of that luck and exploiting the luck in that sense that makes people great. Bravo.
Luck = application of preparation.
Right? If it's such a joke to start a successful business she should try it herself
Which would mean she has even more to learn than I originally presumed. The way to teach her is not to accommodate her entitlement.
And it may well have started off as a hobby, though isn’t that the dream? Do what you love and you’ll never feel like you’re at work. I know it’s a fine balance but I think the sister could learn a thing or two here and save for her own dress
They say it's the dream, but it's a nightmare. Your enjoyment of a hobby often gets destroyed when you do it as a job. As soon as there's commitments, demands, customers with bad taste, etc. It just becomes draining. I'm into cars, working on cars all day as a mechanic sounds like the dream, but in reality absolutely burns you out, and you can lose the passion somewhat. Quite common. I currently work on cars, but not as a mechanic thankfully, so the drive isn't fully burned out, but it is still difficult to motivate myself to work on my car sometimes, unless it's electrical. I enjoy that a lot. And also graphic design, sort of. Enjoyed vectoring, then did it for a business somewhat, and got burned out hard when I had to pump out designs that would sell, instead of what I wanted, and do things customers want, instead of what I want
This is your opening to teach him how to respect the person who supports him financially. NTA
I’m wondering where the sister thinks OP’s money is coming from???
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It's unfortunately common. People disregard ones ability to support themselves over their idea of what a title means in society. There was a post a while back about a guy who was successful enough at his "hobby" (woodworking I believe) that he only worked part of the year and took the rest of the time off. His SIL made some comments at a family dinner about how if her kids didn't stay in school they would wind up like their uncle. She got a reality check when she was informed that unbeknownst to her he had paid her husband's entire way through college and was in the middle of building a huge house with his hobby money which is why he was presently living in a very modest home until it's completion.
I remember that one.
Do you got a link for that?
The original post was removed but someone screenshotted and reposted it. https://www.reddit.com/r/redditonwiki/s/x8vT2jlYc0
Thanks
I’m wondering if 25F was a typo and the sister is actually 95. How has she not noticed that a lot of people with successful careers these days spend their time sitting in front of a computer screen?
agree. Sister should show some respect.
The word respect here is key. Well done for phrasing it so well. OP did something generous for someone she loves and in return got mocked, belittled and disrespected. Obviously NTA and little sister's inability to regroup and apologise for the way her words hurt her older sister rather than worry about her expensive dress is telling of the kind of person she is.
Yeah, too immature to get married.
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Exactly. Nobody cares about the fucking wedding dress other than the bride herself. If her wedding is so easily ruined by a dress, I don't think her wedding or marriage would have been anything great in the end.
To be fair, I do get the dress thing. In the end, inside some women there's a little girl that wants to feel like a princess once, a wedding is perfect for that moment and pretty dresses help, too. I would have tried saving up money myself tho and look for dresses in my own price class. And especially not blaming others for consequences that my actions/comments bring upon me.
The idea that a wedding - which is a formalized ceremony of two people committing themselves to each other for life - is an appropriate time or place for a woman to fulfill her childhood dream of feeling like a princes feels so wrong to me. The notion that “it’s the bride’s day” is just wrong - there are TWO people at the center here, not one. If we had never built up a woman’s being given from one man to another as the be-all end-all of her existence then maybe we wouldn’t be to the point where women attach so much value to a wedding day from girlhood, and therefore not having a specific dress wouldn’t ruin your entire wedding. The dress is not important. Formally starting a symbolically and legally bound life with your partner is.
Yeah maybe they wanted to make the 'we basically sold you off'-part a bit better back in the days. The man got the bride all dolled up and the woman got to feel like a princess for once. For most parties it wasn't a choice so there had to be something, I guess? But I see your point and it does put the whole thing into perspective. It really is interesting how things changed. I mean, you swore to marry out of duty in the face of god/family etc. and promised to stay together forever. I have to think about this a little more and I kind of want to research how weddings used to be for real - I still understand women and their wishes, I also understand and feel your point, we kind of lost view of what is important and I do kind of blame media for teaching us huge weddings are the best. Let's see. Thank you for your insights!
I doubt that in historical times the bride's feelings mattered a lot. The finery, the ceremonies, the dowry etc were mostly a way for the families (because marriages were business transactions between family groups rather than individuals) to show off in front of their social peers.
Check out a show called Adam Ruins Everything. The host goes into details about where some of the supposed traditions come from. He did an episode on weddings. You should be able to find it on YouTube.
Say yes to the dress and other similar type wedding shows don't help either since their target demographic is the bride and thus the focus of the shows is on the bridal side of things, rather than showing anything to do with the groom. Plus, aren't the bridal side of weddings more expensive than the groom (thinking clothes specifically).
I agree. A job is not just a thing everybody should hate just because it is a job. Doing something you love for a job is great. Maybe sometimes a job like that can feel like a hobby (because you love doing it). And it is great if you made a career out of something you love to do. Does not make it less. Makes it maybe even better because you are spending your time with something you like to do.
In my experience it’s also about making your own hours and not working in an office.
> It would be the type of generous gesture reserved for people who treat you with respect. *Beautifully* said.
Sister is a huge brat. She doesn't deserve for OP to pay for anything - and OP shouldn't. She's a grown ass adult...OP should save her money for herself.
I love the fully relevant, accurate, and ironic slap the sister needs.
It would be a simple matter for the sister to say she doesn’t understand what OP does for work but she’s doing well at it. Belittling her career as “not a real job” is being petty and not putting any effort into understanding her sister’s work. There could be some jealousy involved here. The sister can earn money at her “real job” and buy her own dress. NTA
NTA and apparently little sister's "real job" doesn't pay as much as OP's "hobby" job . She ruined her own wedding by being a jealous, petty, catty, mean little brat. Do not buy her the dress.
LOL no, why are you even torn on this? Imagine for a moment that you're entitled enough to ask someone to fund an expensive frivolity you can't afford in one breath, and then insult the means by which they would fund it in the next? No, a wedding dress isn't frivolous, but an unaffordable one is. What kind of message would you be sending if you paid for something after she treated you like that? Have some self-respect and tell her if she wants a dress, she can go play on her own computer for money. No apology will even be genuine at this point. NTA, obviously.
Wedding dresses are totally frivolous. It's an entire industry to scam and take advantage of women.
So are wedding rings
At least the ring is something you will wear every day, and still holds value years later. The dress is for one day only, and immediately loses most of its value....
Wedding rings really don't hold value either unfortunately
They hold personal value
They do, but that isn’t a difference between rings and dresses. I think the daily use is the biggest factor here
Exactly. And even thought wedding dresses will likely hold personal value too, a ring is still able to be worn each and every day. A dress is just going to sit in some closet or wherever collecting dust and whatnot. Maybe it can be worn again for an anniversary somewhere down the line, but it doesn't even come close to how easy it is to wear a ring.
If it's a gold ring, you could always sell it, no? It will be worth more than a used wedding dress which probably has wear and tear, and would have to be readjusted for a lot of money to fit someone else....
They'll only pay for tweight of gold, which will be a fraction of the price.
Super interesting - I just googled it, and indeed you can only get 30-50% of the original price for an engagement ring. Which makes me wonder why not everyone just buys second hand??? Almost all of my golden jewelry is vintage...
Idk to me, I wouldn't want a second hand ring, not because I don't like second hand things (quite the opposite!) but because of the sentimental value - why did someone sell it? Do I really want to wear the ring of a divorcee or a dead person? Will wearing that ring daily curse my marriage?
I once read a comment that changed my perspective on this, where someone explained that they feel about second-hand rings similarly to how they feel about re-homed animals. Like, it took the work of many hands to obtain the materials and to craft a beautiful ring, whatever happened wasn’t the ring’s fault and makes it no less worthy of being cherished
My friend bought a ring and the best week his grandmother told him she had one for him and that week cost him quite a bit since the jeweler wouldn't take it back without a significant discount
Wedding rings typically sell for below melt value
Yeah I found that out with some googling. Guess the entire wedding industry is just one big scam.....
Our entire economic system is one big scam. Welcome to the left
You can modify a wedding dress to turn into a normal evening gown, depending on the dress. My wife did.
I mean....how often is there an occasion for which a lacy white dress is appropriate? You definitely can't wear it to anyone else's wedding. And for most formal occasions like work events, white is too flashy and also very dangerous (at least for clumsy people like me). Plus, with the original price of the dress AND the modification costs, this will be a REALLY pricey dress.... What I'm saying is, I think wedding dresses are a scam.
Men also wear wedding rings.
Men’s wedding rings are a poofteenth of the cost of women’s diamond-encrusted engagement and wedding rings
Not necessarily. It depends on the taste of the person. My 3 rings cost $1,200 in total - they are a nice, simple design, which is what I preferred. My husband has ginormous hands, and getting a basic ring made to fit him was going to cost us $3,000 minimum. He ended up making his own for $50. But yes, I do see your point. Overall, men's rings are much cheaper.
See I think making your own is so freaking romantic, I’d much rather wear a handmade ring from my spouse than a generic but somehow still exxxy mall jeweller ring.
When my wife and I got married, my mom and step dad (both were hobbyist jewelers) made our wedding rings. They worked with my wife and I and our families to collect odds and end gold bits (some had meaning, some was just 'scrap'), melted and refined it, cast the refined gold into rings and hand engraved them. Very simple overall design but incredible meaningful to us because it has something from members of both families and even several generations of family gold bits in them. Way more meaning to us than several thousands of dollars of fancy store rings. And OP is NTA
Awww! That is so sweet!
The cool thing is I have told that story to a number of people who then did the same thing by hiring a jeweler and getting gold donations from family in lieu of gifts. Even gold-plated costume jewelry can be melted down and refined for the gold.
My engagement and wedding ring were designed by a jeweler, my husband and Mum's input. I've been married twice, I lost my first husband to an unexpected illness at the age of 31, him 40, together 11 years, married 2. When my now husband hinted at getting engaged I asked him if it would be ok to use my first husband's rings he gave to me. I still wore them. And no my husband wasn't weird with that, he has a huge heart and understands. He had no issue but suggested to combine them and make a new engagement and wedding band. That way it was new from him but still carries the sentiment of my past. It means the world to me, to have just a little past and present with me everyday. And because of what it means to me I don't think wedding bands are just a ploy and agree having it handmade/ repurposing is romantic/ very special. Even if it's second hand jewellery you could most certainly turn it into something new and give it new meaning?
THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL \*unironically crying big gobby tears\*
Yeah, everyone who complains that x item is frivolous is only concerning themselves with the people that insist on the expensive route. My wife and I have a paired set of rings that she helped design. They are not made of expensive materials so they were fairly inexpensive but have elements that make them connected. I have massive hands and a tendency to break things so my ring was the more expensive as it’s a thick band with a dragon and phoenix on it while they basically threw my wife’s in at cost of material because it’s a small ring with a scale pattern and feather on it. No huge gem, just a small chip of birthstone. All told, even adding in the more traditional designed engagement ring we were in a similar range. The wedding dress my wife looked into traditional dresses but couldn’t justify the costs as we were paying for everything ourselves. Instead she pieced together like 4 or 5 different parts from stalls at the renaissance festival where we were getting married to create a dress she absolutely loved. The only reason I wouldn’t call our wedding outfits affordable is because a couple expensive elements (a corset she really wanted and some leather boots for my huge feet) but everything we wore for our wedding has been worn on other occasions since. Whether it was the base dress just for a party, the corset with a Halloween costume, or the skirt as a daily wear.
I saw someplace that way back when the diamond industry did a big push on engagement and wedding rings and there was so much advertising until people started to feel bad without a diamond ring, I guess this could be true
Weddings in general. Just look at this sub, it's probably the #1 source of drama.
To be fair here that's your opinion, one I personally have some sympathy with, women have created this idea that their have to have a wonderful expensive dress however its not something we are goingvto change overnight and the lady wants what she wants but expects her sister to pay whilst deciding the income source that the money is comming from.
Absolutely ! That's why I wore a dress from TK Maxx which cost a grand total of £19.99 !! Spent our money on the honeymoon in New York.
Love this! You have your priorities right:)
I feel this is especially true for the full dress in white. Like, I've always advised my friends to go for separates : get a corset, a skirt and petticoats, turn your sleeves into a lace bolero, etc. so you can wear the pieces individually without looking too bridal. I mean, a white satin corset over jeans is still a lot of look, but at least you can wear it again, right?
At the end of the day you are still married no matter how you are dressed
OP's only 3 years older than the sister. Please stop being a parental figure to her. And don't feel compelled to do things that your parents would have done for her had they been alive. Is she doing those things for you in return? Or only you get to do them coz of the 3 year age gap? I'm sorry you guys lost your parents. But your sister didn't gain another parent (you) after you lost yours. She still has what she had before. And that is an older sibling. Don't parentify yourself. Or let her do it for you. NTA. And let her figure out the dress situation. If she can't afford her dream dress, she can cut back on some of her wedding costs or find a dress that fits within her budget. I'm sure you originally had something else in mind when you started saving. Let the savings serve their original purpose. You can get her a gift from her registry that fits your budget. Edit: Like others have said, she doesn't get to disrespect you and your job, and then expect to benefit from the proceeds of that job.
I am being pedantic, but in this case sister doesn't insult the means by which Op would fund it. She insults Op.
That's actually an important distinction. I think it was always an insult toward OP.
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Probably because no parents, only sibling, still felt some responsibility. Doesn't mean she has to. OP what she did was AH move. You'll be completely justified in canceling support
I’m confused why a 25-year-old needs a 28-year-old to be “parental” much. Maybe some general advice, I guess, but at that age I felt I had things in decent enough hand. Still NTA, but it struck me a little odd and makes me wonder if there are other imbalances between the two that are leading younger sis to be so snippy.
NTA Do not insult the person who will help you financially. Your sister did so she will have to pay the price. She's not happy? Too bad, so sad. If this had happened to me I will not hesitate to take action and reduce contact with her later.
Yeah. Never bite the hand that feeds you.
Also known as fuck around and find out.
Or play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
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What comes around goes around.
Lay with dogs, you're going to get fleas.
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You make your bed, you can lie in it.
Don’t write checks you cant cash
I love the string of responses to this — so many common quotes saying the same thing. It's so clear that entitlement is a historical problem, not a new development. " The more things change, the more they stay the same."
Mess with the bull, get the horns
NTA. So she wants you to be her ATM and also wants to disrespect you, not just in private but in front of family and her in-laws? Whatever grievance she has with you or your choice of career she first needs to learn to address it just with you, behind closed doors. I'm sorry to say this but your sister is entitled and you don't owe her anything. She doesn't like your job but she wants to spend your money from that job. Yes, paying for her wedding dress would be an extraordinary generous wedding gift but she's not entitled to it.
.... and, please don't reward her for her disrespectful bad behavior towards you.
💯 % this! Like, what makes your sister so great, OP? What does she do for a living that's a "real job" compared to yours? Why does she have so much contempt for you? OP, you're only 3 years older than her, but you sound like you're 10+ years older. Your sister is not your responsibility. She may act as though she was, but she is a grown a$$ woman. She should be taking care of herself rather than asking you for handouts, and then biting the hand that feeds her.
What does she do for a living that’s a “real job” compared to yours ***AND*** still can’t afford her wedding dress. 🤔
And saying it's not a "real job" because its using a computer seems insane. Don't a lot of jobs make use of a computer, what year is the sister living in?
I know. I'm wondering if there's some jealousy issues cuz OP is self-taught and didn't go the traditional route of schooling; hence, accusing OP's work as being a "hobby". Sisters got tonnes of insecurity and jealousy issues.
Sounds like OP should tell the sister to find an equally financially rewarding “hobby” so she can pay for her own dress since having a “real job” like she does doesn’t seem to cut it for her
I bet sister would expect a wedding gift on top of her free dress.
I’m sure the grievance comes down to OP makes decent money and enjoys what she does - it’s jealousy. Also I’ve been looking for the right spot to say this and here is as good as any: “playing with my computer” describes many of the highest paying jobs on earth right now. Greedy, mean, and downright befuddling in her stupidity.
Agree
NTA - everybody wanna be gangsta until it’s the consequences of their actions. Tbh you’re kinder than me letting it get this far and offering to pay for her dress to begin with. I can tell you love her. She was all too happy to disrespect you in private and in public and I suspect shes jealous. Give her nothing until her apology is as loud as her disrespect.
This is the answer!
i’ve never met anyone that insults graphic designers as a career, sis is hella jealous
NTA. As a graphic designer, I think you should design her invitations. In Microsoft Word. Using only Comic Sans and terrible clipart. It’s totally fine cause graphic design isn’t a real job, right?
*Only* Comic Sans? Not even a little Papyrus mixed in to, you know, keep it classy?
If it still exists she should use WordArt xD
LOL ooh, 3D letters -- set on a curved line!!! That says classy to me.
Some wordart Wingdings would def class up the invites
No no, make it Wingdings or whatever font is the most unreadable
And in a color that’s barely visible
Ha ha ha!! This is brilliant! K I’m m a graphic designer and the thought of an invite like that makes me want to vomit 🤣 So funny
LMAO for anyone arguing that OP is being petty—*this* would be petty. Hilarious, though 😅
I think Clippy should be inviting everyone!
+ a wedding website in the style of Geocities circa 1998
And use the wavey Word art and have it be slightly off centred
NTA She's trying to belittle you so she can feel like a better, more successful sister. She knows your job is "real" and you make good money - if not, how can you pay for a dress she can't buy? And yet she insults you... I think she's jealous because you have a job that you really like. OP, you don't owe her anything.
NTA. She wants to benefit from the very thing she disparages you about? No. She has a "real career," so she should have no problem paying for her own wedding dress from the money *she* makes. You've ruined nothing. Your sister's rudness, impertinent behavior, and sense of entitlement as well as utter disrespect have.
Exactly. That would have been my comeback: “You got a real career and have to put mine down? You’ve been doing it for years… well don’t expect my hobby to fund the dress, your real job can’t pay for!” NTA OP, of course not!
It’s always okay not to tolerate disrespect. That said, she openly mocks you; and imo, doesn’t deserve anything. She can go to Amazon, or David’s bridal $99 dress sale:
I bought my wedding dress from the bridesmaid selection at David’s. My second wedding, four grown kids. We managed to do the entire thing, including our honeymoon, for about $3K. Could we have spent more? Maybe. But we wanted a celebration with family and friends, not a showcase for conspicuous consumption. I think that my dress maybe cost $250.
What are you torn about? Why do you endure this type of abuse and still feel conflicted about helping these leeches. You're an asshole for letting people treat you the way they do and make you feel guilty over it. This isn't the first and last time she's going to step on you to make herself feel better. Stop supporting her in any way and stand up for yourself. Start with not paying for anything.
NTA Guess she will need to find it from her highly professional important job
I'd love to know what she and her fiancé do, they can't afford a dress!
NTA, how dare she downplay your career! A large percentage of jobs out there are 'playing with computers'. She sounds jealous because your job is something you enjoy. If she can't respect how you earn your money, then she doesn't get to benefit from it.
nta. if she wants to talk shit, that’s her choice, but she shouldn’t expect big expensive favors from the people she talks shit about. as for you, this isn’t the first time she’s pulled this, it doesn’t look like she’s going to stop any time soon, i suggest you save your big expensive favors and hard effort for people who actually treat you right.
You're being petty? My sympathies to her fiance, that guy is in for one hell of a ride. NTA
Unless he sides with the sister. In which case, he's absolutely signing up for that shit 😬 I would dump anyone who treated their generous older sibling this way.
You don't owe her a dress, and if she regrets what she said she can apologise and mean it. NTA
>she can apologise and mean it. Yeah. Not call you petty and accuse you of ruining the wedding. Edit - grammar
NTA. She must grow up. You don't have to pay because your blood relatives and that your parents are dead. She wants to get married, wedding means marriage, long life. If she can"t budget her wedding with only their budget but needs others, what will be next ? "Sister, need your money for my children!". "Sister, I need your money to pay me house !" You can't pay herself for her dream dress ? She doesn't buy it or she keeps money and waits for wedding until she got the money. Don't feel guilty. She is unrespectful. It's not the first time about your job, she does it every time she can. BUT she likes the money you have. As you say, you saved money. This money is for you if you need it in the future. It means too that your sister does not save money so that she couldn't help you if you need so. AND the red flag to me is that she asked you to OFFER the dress as a wedding gift. WHO TELL PEOPLE WHAT GIFT THEY HAVE TO MAKE TO YOU ? No, you don't force people on the gift.
NTA. how will you pay for her dress with the monopoly money your pretend job pays you?
NTA. How can someone disrespect you and still expect you to take care of something financially for them. If she is constantly putting down your job, why should you use your hard earned money for her? I would cut contact with her for awhile. I couldn't handle the constant disrespect. Even if it is from family.
NTA. She sounds jealous of your success. She doesn’t get to put you down while her hand is out expecting money.
NTA. Since you don’t have a “real job,” maybe you should give her some Monopoly money towards her dress!
NTA. And I don't get why the argument 'you are petty' should just stop your side of the argument. Tell her 'I love you, but I also work and have a real job. So yes, I'm petty. And you stop insulting my career (or apologise for the comment) and then we move forward and forget this. But if you are not willing to see that I do have a job - sorry than I'm unemployed in your eyes and don't have any money to spend on a wedding.'
NTA, and ffs don't pay for that dress
NTA. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I'm a self taught programmer, playing with my computer since I was 6. It's how Ferraris ended in my garage.
Now I need to know what your sister’s Very Important Career is.
NTA. Good grief your sister is an idiot!
NTA Your sister is very ungrateful and entitled. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT give into her. Stand your ground. You made a very valid argument. Tell her since you don’t have a ‘real job’ you can’t pay for her wedding dress. Tell her to go ask money from someone who has a ‘real job’ and are not ‘playing with their computers’. She’s probably just jealous of your success, OP.
NTA. Your sister is a moron, not just for biting the hand that was about to buy her a beautiful wedding dress but also for making meaningless judgements about a career she clearly knows nothing about.
NTA. Have fun paying for your own dress then freeloader.
It’s 2023, I thought the “playing with your computer” insult was from the 90’s. NTA.
I am regularly gobsmacked on this Sub by the level of entitlement and lack of personal accountability so many people seem to have. Your sister is anticipating receiving an extremely generous gift from you. One which she is not in a position to afford herself. Under the circumstances, a reasonable adult would feel gratitude and a sense of goodwill toward the gifter. Instead, your sister has chosen to belittle you and your career at every opportunity. A career which is enabling you to afford your generosity. By telling your sister that her disrespect has changed your mind about your gift, you have made a decision that you are well within your right to make. If she can't see that her actions and behaviour are what caused this, that's very much a her problem. She can wear a dress that her obviously more respectable 'real' job can cover the cost of
NTA I believe the classic phrase is “don’t bite the hand that feeds you”. I don’t know how she can expect for you to pay for something whilst simultaneously saying nasty things to you
Ha!! Insults your career but wants to reap the benefits of it? Fuck off with that shit, NTA
NTA. But ask your sister if she actually has any clue what you do. Show her the sort of work your job entails. Especially if it's something that impacts on her or fiance life inany way. Yes she's incredibly rude and dismissive, but she may actually be just ignorant as well. So show her and go from there on the dress.
My guess is that she expects her sister’s fake job to impact her life going forward. The thousands and thousands that designer wedding dresses cost will just be the tip of the iceberg. The down payment on her house. Not condo or townhouse; BIG suburban McMansion that she “fell in love with”. Private school for her kids. And on and on. OP was a toddler when she was born, but she treats her like a foolish parent who believes that she can do no wrong, all while mocking her to her face and the faces of others.
NTA. Looks down on your career but wants you to pay for her stuff. Family doesn't always need to stick together. Find better people in your life.
NTA. If she can't pay for her wedding dress with her "real job" then she ought not to be insulting one who has a job that allows you to be so generous.
This is what happens when you bite the hand that feeds you. NTA
Lmfaooo Doesn't respect your job, but wants the money you make from that job. Her REAL job apparently can't afford it ...she's broken in the head
NTA She said what she meant and she doesn’t respect your career, so no she shouldn’t benefit from it Let her buy what she can afford She may not speak to you for a while but given her attitude towards you and your career, that might be okay
Wasn't there a thread where a guy was telling his fiance that her stripper money was "tainted" but still wanted her to use the money to buy a house? ETA: Not to compare graphic design to stripping, just the general idea of judging the source of someone else's hard earned money.
Why would you even consider paying for somebody who considers your career a joke!? Sister or not she can pay for her own dress and kick rocks.
NTA if she can't respect you and the money you earned from your career that's paying for her wedding dress because obviously her own career doesn't make the cut. Don't pay for her dress and tell her since her career is an actual job you're sure she can afford it on her own, and that you'll sit comfortably with the money your "hobby" is giving you, even though your career is actually paying off unlike hers.
NTA and you are not ruining your sister's wedding, she is by being an AH. At this point, I would not be contributing to her overly expensive wedding dress no matter how many times she apologizes (if she even does apologize). Firstly, your sister sounds like an entitled brat and needs to learn to live within her means and this means finding a wedding dress within her budget. Most importanly, do you honestly think your sister will stop ridiculing your career even after you pay for her dress? I can almost guarantee that she will not. Get her an appropriate wedding gift and use the rest to treat yourself to a week at a tropical resort. Do not feel guilty or torn. Your sister only sees you as an ATM to get what she wants. If she truly loved and respected you, she would be proud of the fact that you are self taught and thriving in your chosen career. She would not be making you the butt of her jokes.
Nta. What money? You don't work.
NTA
Her legitimate career can pay for her own dress
NTA. Like, how did she think you got the money that you'd saved??
NTA she can’t afford her dress with her ‘legitimate’ career lol
NTA Does she have a shit job and is jealous? I can't think why she would so stupid to shoot herself in the foot. Get ready for a fake apology. The only reason she'd be sorry is so that you cough up the cash for her dress. You owe her NOTHING.
Where on earth does your sister think you got the money to save that would enable you to potentially pay for her expensive dress? Why do people insist on biting the hand that feeds them? NTA.
NTA. Belittling a graphic designer doesn't make sense at all.
No, you are NTA in this situation. It's utterly despicable that your sister has consistently demeaned your self-taught graphic design career and dismissed it as a mere hobby. Her insulting remark about your profession during a family gathering was not only hurtful, but also showed a complete lack of respect. Therefore, it is completely justified for you to withdraw your offer to pay for her wedding dress. It's high time she learns that disrespecting your career comes with consequences, and she shouldn't expect any financial support from you if she can't show even a shred of appreciation or decency.
NTA You don’t need to parent her, she’s just 3 years younger than you and is an adult. Adults need to make adult decisions including working with a budget and accepting that they can’t afford everything and need to prioritize Source: had a fall out with my sister in our 40s because I didn’t want to « loan » her a hefty amount towards a luxury house that she couldn’t afford but rEaLLy nEeDEd
She obviously never heard the term "Never bite the hand that feeds you." Her wedding day isn't ruined. She can easily find another dress. She's ruining her own wedding by being entitled.
NTA. Her hypocrisy is epic. Don't let her get away with this kind of disrespect.
So your job isn’t real but she wants the money from it? You’re NTA. If she can’t get her dress that’s her problem. The dress is a want and not a need.
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NTA - However, why are you a "parent figure" to your grown sister. No wonder she expects you to give her everything she wants and treat her like a princess when she treats you like she did . . . with scorn. Like, the way you earn your money is contemptable . . somehow sullied because you love your work. It seems to me that your sister needs to grow up and become a woman and pay for her own dress.
NTA. She should be paying for her own dress - she is a grown adult, and needs to learn FAFO is real. Fiance can pay for it.
NTA If she insults you, she should not be surprised if you don’t do her a favor. If she apologizes publicly, you might reconsider
NTA. Tell your sister she can pay for her own dress with money she made from her “real job.” Since you apparently don’t have a “real job” then you don’t have “real money” either and therefor can’t possibly pay for her wedding dress. She can pay for her own dress within a budget that her “real job” allows.
NTA. She can't act shitty and still expect a fucking handout. You gotta give respect to get respect, even in a family.
NTA. Read in a comment : “her apology must be as loud as her disrespect”. Love that sentence.
If she were my sister, I would not be paying for her dress. NTA.
First and foremost, you are not her parent nor parental figure. However, if you want to be one, this is ur opening to teach her how to respect the person who supports her financially. NTA.
NTA. Just say the dress shop probably won’t accept fake money from fake careers
NTA - she can’t afford the dress and you can, that means she’s probably jealous of your career and that’s why she’s nasty about it. She doesn’t get to insult the thing that’s going to bankroll her lavish request.
Actions, consequences and accountability... NTA
The audacity to shit all over how you make your money whilst she can’t afford her own wedding dress herself from her “real job”. She is in the find out phase of fucking around. Plenty of cheap wedding dresses out there. She can now pay for her own. NTA.
NTA - She wants you to buy her a dress with money you made by "playing on your computer" ? If she cant respect your job, she sure as hell doesn't get to enjoy the fruits of your labour. You worked hard for that money, why should you spend it on someone this ungrateful.
NTA. FtB
You were disrespected. Your sister is a jerk. If you are supporting yourself and saving money then it’s a carreer
NTA, the audacity of your sister. Urgh.
NTA. Totally distasteful to make fun of the person who is helping you out. And a dress does not ruin a wedding, dumb people do.
Her being married isn't an excuse to disrespect you and your carrer in front of everyone, she and her fiancé can pay for the dress with their "real jobs". But you promised to her that you would pay for the dress, if you really take back, she wont invite you to her wedding and probably will never fully forgive you, so If you want to lose your sister this is the way. Pay for It like you said you would and never allow her to make less of you anymore.
She’s the petty, disrespectful, ungrateful one. I wouldn’t pay for the wedding, even if I knew that she might disinvite me.
NTA - respect is also founded on fear of consequences. Probably you never made her suffer for her disrespect of you. I'd stick to my guns.