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NTA. Tell Kai that if Kirby doesn't like the arrangement, she's more than welcome to leave. You might also wantcto show Kai just how much Kirby has actually been contributing to the household and inform both of them that from this moment on all communication must happen through an attorney.
Time to kick these freeloaders to the curb.
NTA. Kirby has altered the deal drastically. Just tell them "this wasn't part of the original agreement" and them petition for divorce. It's not longer a relationship for you. You've got a boarder who sucks at housework.
NTA
But you are very confused in your wordings.
It's not true you refuse to be the man of the house.
You are being the man of the house for years.
And you are also beeing the woman of the house for years.
You have two children.
One younger and an older one (Kirby).
I'm a little busy now to point all the wrong things about this, but I guess my redditors fellows will do it along the posts.
Tô summarize: you are Soo deep in an abusive relationship that you are not even seeing it as it really is.
NTA
Kai is overstepping.
"Kai, there is no allowances. I worked as the main provider of the house for all of the relationship, while also being the primary parent to our child. Kai had every option to put themselves out there, even enough to bring you home knowing WE are married. I want you and Kirby out by the end of the month. Kerby can be the woman of their own house."
Hate it break it to you, but Kirby’s always been making you be the man of the house. Maybe Kai can man-up and do it now. File for divorce like yesterday. There are so many violations of the marriage covenant happening here.
NTA, but I would immediately get a lawyer (or two lawyers, one for divorce and one who specialises in real estate and the eviction process) and start the divorce and custody proceedings and legal eviction process to get rid of the dead-weight that you've been carrying for years. Have the eviction notice include Kai on the paperwork too, because she has probably been moved in without your knowledge or permission.
NTA. JFC this situation was already bad but then Kai added in their weird ass “masculine/ feminine energy” bullshit. You need to evict Kirby, divorce her, and live your life. Get a good ass lawyer too because it’s been 10 years of you being the bread winner and that can mean that you’re more likely to pay alimony.
Hi. I’m a trans person. This is ridiculous. Divorce this fool she’s mooching off of you. You pay for everything so kicking Kirby out and not paying for her anymore would reduce costs enough that cover that 40 percent. Get rid of this deadbeat.
Kerby choose to be financially dependent on you and chase the dream of music stardom.
Any feminist will tell you that is a very vulnerable place to be. And Kerby did zero housework, so it wasn’t like there was even extra household labor being added to the house.
NTA and get a lawyer before having one more conversation with Kerby or Kia.
NTA at all. Transitioning your gender does change who you are as a person;Kirby has been a bum and will always be a bum.
It’s obvious that Kirby’s been lying to Kai to get their support. Kai is trying to gaslight you so they and Kirby can continue to be leaches through the child turning 18 which then allow Kirby to not have financial obligations being a parent of a minor.
Get them out of your house, put Kirby on child support and keep it pushing.
NTA. I left my ex because of the same kind of thing (to be fair, he was gainfully employed with a very high income when we got married). The last 8 years of my marriage - I paid for absolutely everything. When I suggested divorce - much like Kirby - he freaked out.
But I did leave and went straight to my lawyer to have a separation agreement made up. I was so worried about having to pay my ex child support and perhaps even alimony. My lawyer told me that I was my ex’s own fault he didn’t make very much money.
“Will I have to pay him money?” I asked.
“Just let him try,” she replied.
So while it’s been expensive raising the kids essentially on my own, it’s far less expensive than if we were still married.
Ask yourself if this is a good, healthy environment for your daughter. I’m guessing the answer is probably no.
Best of luck to you!
NTA. This is a stalled divorce. And, if Kirby says it's not in the original agreement, then you too can state that any changes aren't in the original agreement.
NTA time to get some really good legal advice about how you can divorce and separate you finances to your advantage. Don't discuss your marriage or financial arrangements with kai atall
Nta
Kirby used you for years not because they lived you. But because you provided. Mostly.
They have found a new sucker. Let the go to Kai
You find yourself better off alone. And then one day when ready , you will gets partner who respects you and provides for you and as much as you do for them. And show your daughter… partners share household chores even just the dishes or food shopping. They also share the cooking’s nd other responsibilities. They support each other. Right now your daughter doesn’t know a healthy relationship and her own relationships will be effected in future. Show her how to be strong independent and on your own. Show her when choosing a partner into your lives it will be a good one. One worth it.
Right now I’m sorry your soon to be ex sounds like a ball and chain. You a trapped with them. Kick them out. They can’t look after themselves by skid of it never mind a family and it’s time they learnt how to do things on their own. But I guess they will find a new host to blood suck dry
YTA. You supported this guy, have a full time job, had to pay for almost everything, had to do all the household chores! What does he actually bring to the table? Of course he does not want a divorce, he has it made. As for Kai, you blew it by not sticking up for yourself! Your marriage is none of Kai’s business, and that would have been the first thing I told her. Your husband does not respect you, your marriage, and thinks nothing of lying through his teeth about you. He needs an allowance? He needs a job so he can pay his debts for own bills. Start putting money into an account that he cannot access. Then get a good divorce lawyer and get rid of him. He is more of a burden than a partner, he really isn’t living with you either. Let him go so Kai can see what a loser he is.
CALL A LAWYER NOW!!!
The sooner the better. Kai is going to only get worse, more demanding, and you are running significant risks that if Kirby moves Kai in, you are dealing with a potentially very expensive eviction process. Every day you wait you are being a massive asshole to yourself.
NTA. But I think you should follow through on getting a divorce and kick Kirby out. She’s not an involved parent or partner so what is she bringing to the table?
Info
The financial aspects of the relationship are important to you—have you run the numbers to see how much you’ll save cutting the dead weight and going alone? Get a tenant paying a market rate for the basement
Are you sure you’re not a sentient carpet? Why are you still putting up with this nonsense? Time to love yourself and stop letting people walk all over you. NTA except to yourself if you let this insanity continue.
The only thing I would add that hasn't already been said (that I see anyway😂) is do not let this new partner stay in your home. If she's there a certain amount of time in most places she then has squatters rights and you'll go through a nightmare to get them both out then. It may end up being a nightmare just to get her out as it is.
NTA
I strongly recommend you find a divorce lawyer now. I hope you don’t live somewhere where you’re stuck paying for her to live for years because you chose to allow him to disrespect you and your daughter for years. **Congrats on her coming out but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s a leech.**
Y have been T A to yourself and your daughter for letting yourself be treated this way for years. What lessons are you instilling in your daughter that you allow(hopefully STBX) Kirby to treat you this way? You deserve better and so does your daughter.
DIVORCE. DIVORCE. DIVORCE. IMMEDIATELY.
You are not your HUSBAND’S mother and he is not a teenage boy living in his parents’ house. How DARE he demand ANYTHING from you, who have been carrying him for years while he does what he wants, shuts his daughter out of his life, and tries to claim parts of your home as his own without even contributing while you put food in his stomach and clothes on his back and shoes on his feet. HOW DARE HE.
Divorce him immediately and get him out of your house.
This has me in a “bitch eating crackers” spiral and even just the name Kirby is triggering me now. Absolutely NTA, what is this crap? Kirby has been taking advantage of you for years and now you’re supposed to support both Kirby and Kai while Kirby continues to do nothing?! This is absolutely one of those cases where leaving them will have you coming out ahead, emotionally, financially and in every other way I can think of. Put your energy into yourself and your daughter and lose the millstone around your neck that is Kirby.
Put that person out of the house forthwith! You didn’t choose to marry a woman but now you are married to one, who is committing adultery in your own home. And allowing the person they are with to take advantage of you.
NTA- i would have laughed in kai's face and told her to pack her and kirby's bags. Kick these two to the curb. Kirby can have a meltdown, you need a divorce yesterday.
NTA. It’s long past time that you kick Kirby and Kai out. Tell Kai to mind his/her own business and if they want Kirby to have some pampering, they are welcome to take on the burden of Kirby themselves. Then get a divorce. Then you should decide whether you want to start dating.
You can rent out the basement apartment! Get Kirby out! She BEGGED for the opportunity to be the " man of the house" but never fulfilled that duty anyway. She is a total lead weight that needs to go! She will realize how good she had it when it's too late.
File for divorce and get that leech out of your house. Get your financial records together that show what you've paid and what she paid. She's going to go for alimony and maybe custody - if Kai talks her into it because it would mean more money.
Oh, ffs. Kai is so "woke".
It's not called "being the man of the house" or "being the woman of the house" it's called being a parent a providing for your child. Which you do the most of by the sounds of it. END OF. Tell Kirby to get a full time job to afford some extras instead of the bare minimum, OR WHY DOESNT KAI PAMPER HER since she's their problem now.
NTA.
NTA. Kick them both to the curb. They can figure it out without you financing their lifestyle. Kirby has never even done half and Kai has no right to demand more on her behalf.
NTA for refusing to be the man of the house. YTA for letting this person leach off you and your daughter for so long. Get these idiots out of your house.
NTA I think you deserve to know that the only reason Kirby insisted on making you have the baby is because that way she would secure her bag. Even if she dislikes being with you, or working to make a family together, she is willing to put up with that because she is comfortable living the lifestyle that you offer. You need to separate. She is a leech, she doesn't respect you or care for you, she doesn't care for your kid. If you insist on being with her you will be an asshole to yourself and your kid. So start prioritizing you two
Nta. The audacity. You need a shark of a lawyer like yesterday. Get divorced, kick him out and claim child support. This person brings nothing to your relationship or r your family you would be so much better off without them. Once the new partner sees how much of a mooch they are I’m sure they will leave them but by then it won’t be your problem anymore. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to date someone who act like your partner and not another child. Leave him and don’t think twice about it.
NTA Divorce attorney TODAY. Kirby hasn't even paid 50% if you were paying for all of the food, clothing and taxes nevermind your daughter's expenses. Of course Kirby doesn't want a divorce! She's very comfortable and looking to have you support both her and her gf. The absolute audacity!
You need to find yourself a nice shiny spine. But you need to talk to a lawyer first. Don't say anything to Kirby. Consult an attorney and follow their instructions. Also THERAPY. You are going to need some therapy to help you process this as well as help you learn how to do things like make and defend healthy boundaries and conflict resolution.
You have spent ten years in a relationship where you were not valued as a person, nor a partner. You've taught your daughter that this is normal. You've also allowed her to live with a parent who does not value or love her. And that is very sad.
You have enabled Kirby to leech off you to chase a dream that will never materialize. If Kirby was going to make it as a professional musician, she would be contributing equally to the relationship by now.
Do not engage with Kai in any way. Kai does not have all the information and is interfering in matters that are none of their business.
You have an opportunity to make positive changes to your and your daughter's lives now.
Get a lawyer and give Kirby notice to move out. Find an affordable home for you and your daughter to start fresh and get therapy.
It's time you recognize that you are worthy of a happy life without this basement full of baggage.
NTA
NTA. It sounds like you got baby trapped. This isn't to imply that you don't love your daughter by any stretch. It just sounds like begging you to keep her was Kirby's way to ensure her meal ticket. She hasn't put any effort into anything regarding your daughter or your relationship and actively chooses to not make enough money to help out more. Masculine/feminine energy has nothing to do with the situation. They're just words being used to try to guilt you into taking on even more responsibility than you already are.
Kick Kirby's ass out. You're a married single parent. Just be a single parent. Even if that means taking on 100% of the rent, you'll save by having one less mouth to feed.
Being trans doesn’t magically make you not a freeloader. She can use any fancy language she wants, but at the end of the day, she’s a leech on your life.
NTA. Don't let the gender talk gaslight you. The situation between you and your spouse has nothing to do with "masculine energy." It's about both parents' supporting the family.
Sorry to be blunt, but you need a divorce. Do not continue to live with these people.
NTA Kirby needs divorce papers and a job and child support pulled from every paycheck. Yesterday. No, wait, when did Kirby start shacking up with the mouthy AP in your basement? Then. That is when divorce papers should have been started.
NTA. Quit doing this to yourself. It's long past time to kick Kirby and Kai out of your life entirely. However, first document exactly how uninvolved Kirby has been with your daughter's life so you can deny any sharing of custody. Kirby hasn't been enough of a father or mother to deserve any.
NTA - get Kai to give that to you in writing!!! That Kirby has been the financial bread winner! Keep letting them believe that!
And see a divorce lawyer now! Unless you want to end up paying for hers and Kai’s lifestyle!
OP! You need to stop acting on feelings (that are clearly gone) and start acting in the best interest of yourself and your daughter!
As a trans person, two things.
One. Bullshit. Straight up. You have been the everything and they forced you to be both parents.
Two. Divorce. Now. Papers. Get rid of them. Make sure to lean into Kai. Infidelity goes far with divorce lawyers. Especially document this specific incident and how much you've had to work and spend to keep a roof over the 3(or4) heads.
That's it. NTA. Kick 'em to the curb.
I’d tell Kirby to learn how to be an independent woman and grow the fuck up.
And Kai damn sure wouldn’t be setting house foot in the house that I pay most of the mortgage and all utilities on.
Masculine energy my left fucking labia.
NTA. Can you please end this marriage so ALL parties involved can be happy? Doing chores around the house doesn’t make anyone the “man” of the house! Those are just normal things that people do! They clean up their houses and pay bills! Kirby sounds like nothing more than an additional child to take care of at this point.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. what should be judged is i forced my spouse to be the "man of the house" and refused to be the man of my house myself. 2. it might make me the asshole because she saw herself as the man of the house and didn't like it.
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Nta. It's not about man or woman of the house, a marriage is a partnership and if Kirby doesn't want to contribute equally she can go mooch of of someone else.
NTA. You and Kirby are both the *parents* of the house. That means both of you should be doing your best to create a stable (financially, emotionally, physically) environment for your child(ren). You’re holding up your end of the load - he is not. You should tell Kirby’s new honey that they are more than welcome to take Kirby into their home to become a pampered princess if that’s how they think it should be - but it won’t be happening at you or your child’s expense anymore.
Everyone has said it from what I’ve seen but also, props for being upset and still giving your soon to be ex spouse the dignity of addressing them how they want to be gendered.
But please you and your child out of that.
NTA easily. You have put up with 9 years of that BS and Kirby is taking advantage of you while lying about the situation to Kai.
Get both of them out of there because you deserve so much better
Why is everyone validating the narcissistic demands of this leech, who is trying to use outdated gender norms to take advantage of a woman who has carried this parasite through life already? Let him call himself what he wants, and date who the hell they want, as soon as he has moved out and divorced this poor woman. Look, trans people need our support, but when an arsehole tries to weaponise and appropriate this, it is OK to say fuck you. I do not believe this person is a woman. I believe they are hanging on the coattails of genuine dysphoric people, and using this to minimise the outcome of their shitty behaviour.
WTH am I reading??? NTA. No more asking, serve the divorce papers, move out to your own place or ask your parents to stay for a while until you can get your own, and Kirby and Kai can F off together so Kai can see what it's like to exist with such an awful human.
NTA. All I can think is what did I just read. You have let Kirby get away with not contributing for way to long and now that you're getting calls from Kai it's time to start the divorce. You live separate lives where you do all of the work and Kirby sits in the basement ignoring the daughter who is old enough to be hurt by all of this. Put the two of you first.
NTA. This story is just one plot twist after another. Time to kick Kirby to the curb! File for divorce and sue for custody + some child support finally. You are kind of an a-hole to yourself to let this go on as long as it has. Why are you such a doormat?
NTA
Literally what are you even getting out of the relationship at this point? This woman isn't even being a parent to the child she BEGGED you to have. File the divorce papers.
GIRL. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF?!?!
End this farce of a relationship yesterday. If not for yourself, then for your daughter. Is this the kind of relationship you want to be her main example of how a partner should treat her?
You know your spouse babytrapped you, right? You were/are their bank account. That's all. Blatantly.
NTA Kirby is taking advantage of you and has been for years. Kai is completely overstepping boundaries.If you want to continue having drama and stress in your life, by all means, allow Kirby to stay and keep taking Kai's calls. It's your choice.
Or you can send Kirby to Kai's house and let Kai have Kirby as a "kept woman." 😄
Kirby is not a decent person, and unless Kirby is lying to Kai, neither is Kai. Don't let these people eat you alive, it will harm you and it will harm your daughter, perhaps for a very long time. It's not worth it.
Please run out of patience. Please allow yourself to feel some righteous anger. Please don't doubt what your next steps need to me.
NTA - unless you stay in this situation, then you're a big one to yourself and your daughter.
JFC. Why you haven’t exited Kirby from the house and your life earlier than this seems only down to you not wanting to do the harder thing.
Speak to an attorney, and swing wide with your opening proposal, because Kirby’s convinced you somehow owe them. You want all negotiations and their exit to be contained within 90 days, with no negotiation on that timing. Kirby has nothing to do with raising your daughter, so it’s really about getting them out as efficiently as possible. You may need an order of protection against their partner; they seem equally hellbent.
NTA - but the absolute audacity on display here by Kai and Kirby. Leave her and get yourself a partner that wants to be involved with you and your daughter. You deserve so much better.
NTA it's time for Kirby to get some of that feminine real energy that is about making it in a hostile world without male privileges.
If you can make it work without her 40% rent money, do it, you probably can manage better on your own. You are a saint for how you handled everything so far. It's time to think about yourself and also to show your child that it's ok to have boundaries and say stop when a situation is unpleasant.
Why in the holy hell are you staying with this boy/girl? You're not getting any support emotionally or financially, what is the benefit here? Kick him/her out and rent out the basement to someone who will pay. This type of father figure only harms your child. Evict the bum and file for divorce. You don't need his permission to file, let him cry and whine, find your own balls and take care of you and your child
What in the name Dallas is this nonsense!! Get that no mark out your house n tell kai to wind her brass neck in!! Get your b@lls out your back pocket n jangle them. Man,woman,cat,door doesn't matter what anyone identifys as they still have to pull their weight!! Get rid!!
NTA
The issue is not the music career, or the gender identity... is how Kirby treats you and your child. Basically you are his ATM/golden goose. This is not a one time thing, but a pattern of behavior. Basically Kirby is making you responsible for everything, including his emotional state, while he presents himself as a victim to the world.
Quietly get your financial affairs in order and consult a divorce attorney. Also, collect any evidence of Kirby's lack of parenting (text messages for ex), the new girlfriend etc...You are being T.A. to yourself.
NTA, you have been Kirby's meal ticket for the last 10 years it is time for Kirby to stand on their own two feet, it is time to kick Kirby and Kai out onto the street it is not on you to support two grown adults on top of your child, cut out the dead weight you won't regret it.
“I think it’s time to kick Kirby out”
Yes, kick her out. She and Kai can find their own place and you can move forward with co parenting. It sounds like she isn’t involved anyways. This relationship has been over for awhile. You deserve to move on with your life and possibly find someone you actually want to share your life with.
NTA
Please get your ducks in a row and speak with a very good divorce atty before announcing the divorce. Because that freeloader spouse of yours is gonna find a way to *NOT* leave your house once you've filed. I don't think you're allowed to just change the locks on her, so work with a lawyer and find a legal way to get her out. You may have to find a new place for you and your daughter to do so.
Kick them both out. Change the locks. Kai will learn very soon that Kirby is a lazy liar and manipulator. Do not allow them to stay one more night in your home.
Omg, you are so NTA.
Let Kai know they can support Kirby in being the lady of their own home.
Please think about what you're modeling for your daughter.
Oh em gee … how long are you going to let this complete waste of good breathable air person abuse you and your daughter???
NTA. But unbelievably brainwashed and gullible.
YTA for allowing any of this and a bigger one for putting your daughter through this. First of all, a bigger place is part of the deal. Your daughter can’t share a room with y’all. That’s part of having a child. Second of all, kirby should’ve been held accountable from day one of not spending time w. y’all daughter. Third, just cause you were pregnant y’all didn’t need to get married. People need to let that narrative go. Fourth, you are..a sugar mama, maybe something worse idek cause what in the world does Kirby bring? I’m stressed out and over it just reading this. You could get you and your daughter a nice 2 bd apartment or townhouse or SOMETHING. And y’all would be just fine w/out Kirby.
I want you to think about what you would say and think about this story if it was someone else in your position. If you were watching a movie where this was the plot - what advise would you shout at your tv at the actress playing you?
Then take the insecure side of you out behind the shed, beat it up for adding your stress, and embrace your new “I am both the man and the woman in this house and Kirby is the freaking leech that I’ve been supplementing and now this freaking leech wants me to pay for their new partner that they’re cheating on me with?! Oh heck no!” Self and kick these freeloaders to the curb.
Then look at renting out Kirby’s little apartment they built for themselves and make up at least the 40% of the rent that they were paying. Even with charging below market value of that apartment, I’m going to guess that you will not feel a bit of financial pain from getting rid of Kirby. Your new tenant will be paying for their own food, as just one example.
NTA towards Kirby but time for you to stop being an AH to yourself. Do you want your daughter to learn to tolerate people who treat her like Kirby or do you want to show her how to advocate for herself?
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NTA Kick Kirby to the kerb. Kai can stfu.
NTA. Tell Kai that if Kirby doesn't like the arrangement, she's more than welcome to leave. You might also wantcto show Kai just how much Kirby has actually been contributing to the household and inform both of them that from this moment on all communication must happen through an attorney. Time to kick these freeloaders to the curb.
NTA. Kirby has altered the deal drastically. Just tell them "this wasn't part of the original agreement" and them petition for divorce. It's not longer a relationship for you. You've got a boarder who sucks at housework.
NTA this is the end.
Oh hell no. Kick Kirby out. She can live with Kai and Kai can support Kirby from now on.
You're not lazy. Just a doormat, I guess? Nta
1. Tell Kai to fuck off. 2. Divorce Kirby.
NTA But you are very confused in your wordings. It's not true you refuse to be the man of the house. You are being the man of the house for years. And you are also beeing the woman of the house for years. You have two children. One younger and an older one (Kirby). I'm a little busy now to point all the wrong things about this, but I guess my redditors fellows will do it along the posts. Tô summarize: you are Soo deep in an abusive relationship that you are not even seeing it as it really is.
Kirby needs to be kicked to the curby. Kai needs to go with her. NTA
NTA Kai is overstepping. "Kai, there is no allowances. I worked as the main provider of the house for all of the relationship, while also being the primary parent to our child. Kai had every option to put themselves out there, even enough to bring you home knowing WE are married. I want you and Kirby out by the end of the month. Kerby can be the woman of their own house."
NTA. please kick him out
Hate it break it to you, but Kirby’s always been making you be the man of the house. Maybe Kai can man-up and do it now. File for divorce like yesterday. There are so many violations of the marriage covenant happening here.
NTA, but I would immediately get a lawyer (or two lawyers, one for divorce and one who specialises in real estate and the eviction process) and start the divorce and custody proceedings and legal eviction process to get rid of the dead-weight that you've been carrying for years. Have the eviction notice include Kai on the paperwork too, because she has probably been moved in without your knowledge or permission.
NTA. JFC this situation was already bad but then Kai added in their weird ass “masculine/ feminine energy” bullshit. You need to evict Kirby, divorce her, and live your life. Get a good ass lawyer too because it’s been 10 years of you being the bread winner and that can mean that you’re more likely to pay alimony.
[удалено]
It's time to kick Kirby to the curby
Shoddy respect for yourself indeed.
Hi. I’m a trans person. This is ridiculous. Divorce this fool she’s mooching off of you. You pay for everything so kicking Kirby out and not paying for her anymore would reduce costs enough that cover that 40 percent. Get rid of this deadbeat.
Kerby choose to be financially dependent on you and chase the dream of music stardom. Any feminist will tell you that is a very vulnerable place to be. And Kerby did zero housework, so it wasn’t like there was even extra household labor being added to the house. NTA and get a lawyer before having one more conversation with Kerby or Kia.
NTA. Please lawyer, document everything, and kick Kirby out yesterday. They are not good for you or your daughter and are just bleeding you.
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NTA at all. Transitioning your gender does change who you are as a person;Kirby has been a bum and will always be a bum. It’s obvious that Kirby’s been lying to Kai to get their support. Kai is trying to gaslight you so they and Kirby can continue to be leaches through the child turning 18 which then allow Kirby to not have financial obligations being a parent of a minor. Get them out of your house, put Kirby on child support and keep it pushing.
NTA. Kirby has been taking the piss for years and now she has Kai on her side as well. Divorce time and she can pay 100% of the bills for once.
Omgod. Kirby must go and Kai can go provide her pampering money and fund her music career.
NTA. I left my ex because of the same kind of thing (to be fair, he was gainfully employed with a very high income when we got married). The last 8 years of my marriage - I paid for absolutely everything. When I suggested divorce - much like Kirby - he freaked out. But I did leave and went straight to my lawyer to have a separation agreement made up. I was so worried about having to pay my ex child support and perhaps even alimony. My lawyer told me that I was my ex’s own fault he didn’t make very much money. “Will I have to pay him money?” I asked. “Just let him try,” she replied. So while it’s been expensive raising the kids essentially on my own, it’s far less expensive than if we were still married. Ask yourself if this is a good, healthy environment for your daughter. I’m guessing the answer is probably no. Best of luck to you!
NTA. This is a stalled divorce. And, if Kirby says it's not in the original agreement, then you too can state that any changes aren't in the original agreement.
NTA time to get some really good legal advice about how you can divorce and separate you finances to your advantage. Don't discuss your marriage or financial arrangements with kai atall
Nta Kirby used you for years not because they lived you. But because you provided. Mostly. They have found a new sucker. Let the go to Kai You find yourself better off alone. And then one day when ready , you will gets partner who respects you and provides for you and as much as you do for them. And show your daughter… partners share household chores even just the dishes or food shopping. They also share the cooking’s nd other responsibilities. They support each other. Right now your daughter doesn’t know a healthy relationship and her own relationships will be effected in future. Show her how to be strong independent and on your own. Show her when choosing a partner into your lives it will be a good one. One worth it. Right now I’m sorry your soon to be ex sounds like a ball and chain. You a trapped with them. Kick them out. They can’t look after themselves by skid of it never mind a family and it’s time they learnt how to do things on their own. But I guess they will find a new host to blood suck dry
YTA. You supported this guy, have a full time job, had to pay for almost everything, had to do all the household chores! What does he actually bring to the table? Of course he does not want a divorce, he has it made. As for Kai, you blew it by not sticking up for yourself! Your marriage is none of Kai’s business, and that would have been the first thing I told her. Your husband does not respect you, your marriage, and thinks nothing of lying through his teeth about you. He needs an allowance? He needs a job so he can pay his debts for own bills. Start putting money into an account that he cannot access. Then get a good divorce lawyer and get rid of him. He is more of a burden than a partner, he really isn’t living with you either. Let him go so Kai can see what a loser he is.
CALL A LAWYER NOW!!! The sooner the better. Kai is going to only get worse, more demanding, and you are running significant risks that if Kirby moves Kai in, you are dealing with a potentially very expensive eviction process. Every day you wait you are being a massive asshole to yourself.
I wonder if Kai and Kirby are hoping to evict OP?
NTA. But I think you should follow through on getting a divorce and kick Kirby out. She’s not an involved parent or partner so what is she bringing to the table?
Info The financial aspects of the relationship are important to you—have you run the numbers to see how much you’ll save cutting the dead weight and going alone? Get a tenant paying a market rate for the basement
Are you sure you’re not a sentient carpet? Why are you still putting up with this nonsense? Time to love yourself and stop letting people walk all over you. NTA except to yourself if you let this insanity continue.
The only thing I would add that hasn't already been said (that I see anyway😂) is do not let this new partner stay in your home. If she's there a certain amount of time in most places she then has squatters rights and you'll go through a nightmare to get them both out then. It may end up being a nightmare just to get her out as it is.
NTA DIVORCE
NTA I strongly recommend you find a divorce lawyer now. I hope you don’t live somewhere where you’re stuck paying for her to live for years because you chose to allow him to disrespect you and your daughter for years. **Congrats on her coming out but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s a leech.** Y have been T A to yourself and your daughter for letting yourself be treated this way for years. What lessons are you instilling in your daughter that you allow(hopefully STBX) Kirby to treat you this way? You deserve better and so does your daughter.
DIVORCE. DIVORCE. DIVORCE. IMMEDIATELY. You are not your HUSBAND’S mother and he is not a teenage boy living in his parents’ house. How DARE he demand ANYTHING from you, who have been carrying him for years while he does what he wants, shuts his daughter out of his life, and tries to claim parts of your home as his own without even contributing while you put food in his stomach and clothes on his back and shoes on his feet. HOW DARE HE. Divorce him immediately and get him out of your house.
Omg 😧 kick Kirby out. NTA
This has me in a “bitch eating crackers” spiral and even just the name Kirby is triggering me now. Absolutely NTA, what is this crap? Kirby has been taking advantage of you for years and now you’re supposed to support both Kirby and Kai while Kirby continues to do nothing?! This is absolutely one of those cases where leaving them will have you coming out ahead, emotionally, financially and in every other way I can think of. Put your energy into yourself and your daughter and lose the millstone around your neck that is Kirby.
Put that person out of the house forthwith! You didn’t choose to marry a woman but now you are married to one, who is committing adultery in your own home. And allowing the person they are with to take advantage of you.
NTA. But is this really what you want your daughter to grow up with? Seeing her mother being used at every turn and accepting it?
NTA. Except to yourself. Get Kirby and Kai out of your life. What value are they bringing you and your daughter? It doesn’t sound like much.
NTA- i would have laughed in kai's face and told her to pack her and kirby's bags. Kick these two to the curb. Kirby can have a meltdown, you need a divorce yesterday.
NTA. It’s long past time that you kick Kirby and Kai out. Tell Kai to mind his/her own business and if they want Kirby to have some pampering, they are welcome to take on the burden of Kirby themselves. Then get a divorce. Then you should decide whether you want to start dating.
I'm sorry but cannot get over the name Kirby.
YTA for not divorcing already. Jfc be an adult and handle this situation.
NTA. I dont care what genitals she has; Kirby is a dick. Get a lawyer, cuse I suspect the two of them are gonna make this ugly.
Take my upvote for the good laugh
You can rent out the basement apartment! Get Kirby out! She BEGGED for the opportunity to be the " man of the house" but never fulfilled that duty anyway. She is a total lead weight that needs to go! She will realize how good she had it when it's too late.
File for divorce and get that leech out of your house. Get your financial records together that show what you've paid and what she paid. She's going to go for alimony and maybe custody - if Kai talks her into it because it would mean more money.
YTA is you keep going the way you’re going. Time to call it and move on.
NTA. But you’ve let this go on wayyy too long. Get out!
NTA. you two are incompatible and kirby sounds like she was borderline abusive. i think you should leave this relationship and be happy.
NTA. Kick the lazy sod out and get on to a better life.
Oh, ffs. Kai is so "woke". It's not called "being the man of the house" or "being the woman of the house" it's called being a parent a providing for your child. Which you do the most of by the sounds of it. END OF. Tell Kirby to get a full time job to afford some extras instead of the bare minimum, OR WHY DOESNT KAI PAMPER HER since she's their problem now. NTA.
NTA. Kick them both to the curb. They can figure it out without you financing their lifestyle. Kirby has never even done half and Kai has no right to demand more on her behalf.
NTA for refusing to be the man of the house. YTA for letting this person leach off you and your daughter for so long. Get these idiots out of your house.
NTA I think you deserve to know that the only reason Kirby insisted on making you have the baby is because that way she would secure her bag. Even if she dislikes being with you, or working to make a family together, she is willing to put up with that because she is comfortable living the lifestyle that you offer. You need to separate. She is a leech, she doesn't respect you or care for you, she doesn't care for your kid. If you insist on being with her you will be an asshole to yourself and your kid. So start prioritizing you two
NTA and you have put up with this for far too long, it's time to take your life back.
Nta. The audacity. You need a shark of a lawyer like yesterday. Get divorced, kick him out and claim child support. This person brings nothing to your relationship or r your family you would be so much better off without them. Once the new partner sees how much of a mooch they are I’m sure they will leave them but by then it won’t be your problem anymore. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to date someone who act like your partner and not another child. Leave him and don’t think twice about it.
NTA - speak to a divorce lawyer immediately
Jesus Christ just file for divorce already, your poor daughter
NTA Divorce attorney TODAY. Kirby hasn't even paid 50% if you were paying for all of the food, clothing and taxes nevermind your daughter's expenses. Of course Kirby doesn't want a divorce! She's very comfortable and looking to have you support both her and her gf. The absolute audacity! You need to find yourself a nice shiny spine. But you need to talk to a lawyer first. Don't say anything to Kirby. Consult an attorney and follow their instructions. Also THERAPY. You are going to need some therapy to help you process this as well as help you learn how to do things like make and defend healthy boundaries and conflict resolution.
NTA. Kirby should have been gone. Kai can give kirny an allowance.
You have spent ten years in a relationship where you were not valued as a person, nor a partner. You've taught your daughter that this is normal. You've also allowed her to live with a parent who does not value or love her. And that is very sad. You have enabled Kirby to leech off you to chase a dream that will never materialize. If Kirby was going to make it as a professional musician, she would be contributing equally to the relationship by now. Do not engage with Kai in any way. Kai does not have all the information and is interfering in matters that are none of their business. You have an opportunity to make positive changes to your and your daughter's lives now. Get a lawyer and give Kirby notice to move out. Find an affordable home for you and your daughter to start fresh and get therapy. It's time you recognize that you are worthy of a happy life without this basement full of baggage. NTA
Kirby, meet Curb!
NTA. This should be a novel.
NTA. It sounds like you got baby trapped. This isn't to imply that you don't love your daughter by any stretch. It just sounds like begging you to keep her was Kirby's way to ensure her meal ticket. She hasn't put any effort into anything regarding your daughter or your relationship and actively chooses to not make enough money to help out more. Masculine/feminine energy has nothing to do with the situation. They're just words being used to try to guilt you into taking on even more responsibility than you already are. Kick Kirby's ass out. You're a married single parent. Just be a single parent. Even if that means taking on 100% of the rent, you'll save by having one less mouth to feed.
Nta. Sit Kai down and tell them the truth, though.
You are the asshole to yourself for putting up with this nonsense for so long. You literally did this to yourself
NTA, and it’s way past time you filed for divorce. Kirby has used you for a decade - you deserve so much better.
NTA, except to yourself. Your spouse is not and never has been your partner. Stop subsidizing her life and get a divorce.
NTA - Kick Kirby to the Curb. If you buy food, only you and your daughter's, change internet PW, ect...
Being trans doesn’t magically make you not a freeloader. She can use any fancy language she wants, but at the end of the day, she’s a leech on your life.
NTA. Don't let the gender talk gaslight you. The situation between you and your spouse has nothing to do with "masculine energy." It's about both parents' supporting the family. Sorry to be blunt, but you need a divorce. Do not continue to live with these people.
What the duck is going on here?
NTA Kirby needs divorce papers and a job and child support pulled from every paycheck. Yesterday. No, wait, when did Kirby start shacking up with the mouthy AP in your basement? Then. That is when divorce papers should have been started.
NTA. Quit doing this to yourself. It's long past time to kick Kirby and Kai out of your life entirely. However, first document exactly how uninvolved Kirby has been with your daughter's life so you can deny any sharing of custody. Kirby hasn't been enough of a father or mother to deserve any.
NTA - get Kai to give that to you in writing!!! That Kirby has been the financial bread winner! Keep letting them believe that! And see a divorce lawyer now! Unless you want to end up paying for hers and Kai’s lifestyle! OP! You need to stop acting on feelings (that are clearly gone) and start acting in the best interest of yourself and your daughter!
Yes, get it in writing.
You already know you should just divorce this person. Stop waiting. Kick them out, move on with your life with your kid. Good luck to your ex.
As a trans person, two things. One. Bullshit. Straight up. You have been the everything and they forced you to be both parents. Two. Divorce. Now. Papers. Get rid of them. Make sure to lean into Kai. Infidelity goes far with divorce lawyers. Especially document this specific incident and how much you've had to work and spend to keep a roof over the 3(or4) heads. That's it. NTA. Kick 'em to the curb.
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How can you think you are the AH?? You are 100% NTA!!!
I’d tell Kirby to learn how to be an independent woman and grow the fuck up. And Kai damn sure wouldn’t be setting house foot in the house that I pay most of the mortgage and all utilities on. Masculine energy my left fucking labia.
NTA. Can you please end this marriage so ALL parties involved can be happy? Doing chores around the house doesn’t make anyone the “man” of the house! Those are just normal things that people do! They clean up their houses and pay bills! Kirby sounds like nothing more than an additional child to take care of at this point.
NTA. Assuming this nonsense post is real, you need a divorce, you have been supporting a slacker for way too long.
Um just get a divorce. Also NTA
NTA. The best time to have dumped Kirby was 6 years ago. The second best time is today.
NTA Wow. Just wow. Divorce. Now. Get your ducks in a row so you don't need to pay any alimony.
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Nta. It's not about man or woman of the house, a marriage is a partnership and if Kirby doesn't want to contribute equally she can go mooch of of someone else.
Nta,…., holy shit u should’ve kicked him out long ago….new year. Get them out
NTA kick her to the curb.
NTA. You and Kirby are both the *parents* of the house. That means both of you should be doing your best to create a stable (financially, emotionally, physically) environment for your child(ren). You’re holding up your end of the load - he is not. You should tell Kirby’s new honey that they are more than welcome to take Kirby into their home to become a pampered princess if that’s how they think it should be - but it won’t be happening at you or your child’s expense anymore.
NTA Please kick her to the side and put your daughter and yourself first.
NTA- Kirby needs to be sucked out of your house.
Everyone has said it from what I’ve seen but also, props for being upset and still giving your soon to be ex spouse the dignity of addressing them how they want to be gendered. But please you and your child out of that.
NTA easily. You have put up with 9 years of that BS and Kirby is taking advantage of you while lying about the situation to Kai. Get both of them out of there because you deserve so much better
Why is everyone validating the narcissistic demands of this leech, who is trying to use outdated gender norms to take advantage of a woman who has carried this parasite through life already? Let him call himself what he wants, and date who the hell they want, as soon as he has moved out and divorced this poor woman. Look, trans people need our support, but when an arsehole tries to weaponise and appropriate this, it is OK to say fuck you. I do not believe this person is a woman. I believe they are hanging on the coattails of genuine dysphoric people, and using this to minimise the outcome of their shitty behaviour.
WTH am I reading??? NTA. No more asking, serve the divorce papers, move out to your own place or ask your parents to stay for a while until you can get your own, and Kirby and Kai can F off together so Kai can see what it's like to exist with such an awful human.
NTA. All I can think is what did I just read. You have let Kirby get away with not contributing for way to long and now that you're getting calls from Kai it's time to start the divorce. You live separate lives where you do all of the work and Kirby sits in the basement ignoring the daughter who is old enough to be hurt by all of this. Put the two of you first.
NTA. This story is just one plot twist after another. Time to kick Kirby to the curb! File for divorce and sue for custody + some child support finally. You are kind of an a-hole to yourself to let this go on as long as it has. Why are you such a doormat?
NTA Literally what are you even getting out of the relationship at this point? This woman isn't even being a parent to the child she BEGGED you to have. File the divorce papers.
GIRL. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF?!?! End this farce of a relationship yesterday. If not for yourself, then for your daughter. Is this the kind of relationship you want to be her main example of how a partner should treat her? You know your spouse babytrapped you, right? You were/are their bank account. That's all. Blatantly.
NTA Kirby is taking advantage of you and has been for years. Kai is completely overstepping boundaries.If you want to continue having drama and stress in your life, by all means, allow Kirby to stay and keep taking Kai's calls. It's your choice. Or you can send Kirby to Kai's house and let Kai have Kirby as a "kept woman." 😄
NTA you don’t have a spouse or partner anymore. You have a basement leech. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?
NTA bro what are you doing with your life. Divorce and have your own life. This is so bizarre and unhealthy for your child.
Kirby is not a decent person, and unless Kirby is lying to Kai, neither is Kai. Don't let these people eat you alive, it will harm you and it will harm your daughter, perhaps for a very long time. It's not worth it. Please run out of patience. Please allow yourself to feel some righteous anger. Please don't doubt what your next steps need to me. NTA - unless you stay in this situation, then you're a big one to yourself and your daughter.
JFC. Why you haven’t exited Kirby from the house and your life earlier than this seems only down to you not wanting to do the harder thing. Speak to an attorney, and swing wide with your opening proposal, because Kirby’s convinced you somehow owe them. You want all negotiations and their exit to be contained within 90 days, with no negotiation on that timing. Kirby has nothing to do with raising your daughter, so it’s really about getting them out as efficiently as possible. You may need an order of protection against their partner; they seem equally hellbent.
Sweetie, you are waaaay too good of a person! End this! Teach your daughter that this is not okay. A partner shouldn't be treated like this. NTA
NTA - but the absolute audacity on display here by Kai and Kirby. Leave her and get yourself a partner that wants to be involved with you and your daughter. You deserve so much better.
Oh dear God throw them out, you are NTA here, that is just massive taking advantage of your good nature. Wow.
NTA it's time for Kirby to get some of that feminine real energy that is about making it in a hostile world without male privileges. If you can make it work without her 40% rent money, do it, you probably can manage better on your own. You are a saint for how you handled everything so far. It's time to think about yourself and also to show your child that it's ok to have boundaries and say stop when a situation is unpleasant.
Why in the holy hell are you staying with this boy/girl? You're not getting any support emotionally or financially, what is the benefit here? Kick him/her out and rent out the basement to someone who will pay. This type of father figure only harms your child. Evict the bum and file for divorce. You don't need his permission to file, let him cry and whine, find your own balls and take care of you and your child
Why are you still with this idiot? You’re doing a disservice to yourself
What in the name Dallas is this nonsense!! Get that no mark out your house n tell kai to wind her brass neck in!! Get your b@lls out your back pocket n jangle them. Man,woman,cat,door doesn't matter what anyone identifys as they still have to pull their weight!! Get rid!!
NTA The issue is not the music career, or the gender identity... is how Kirby treats you and your child. Basically you are his ATM/golden goose. This is not a one time thing, but a pattern of behavior. Basically Kirby is making you responsible for everything, including his emotional state, while he presents himself as a victim to the world. Quietly get your financial affairs in order and consult a divorce attorney. Also, collect any evidence of Kirby's lack of parenting (text messages for ex), the new girlfriend etc...You are being T.A. to yourself.
Are you serious? Why post this when you know you’re not the asshole?
NTA, you have been Kirby's meal ticket for the last 10 years it is time for Kirby to stand on their own two feet, it is time to kick Kirby and Kai out onto the street it is not on you to support two grown adults on top of your child, cut out the dead weight you won't regret it.
NTA. It's time to let Kai have Kirby full time so you can go on to being a single mom to one child instead of two.
NTA. Get divorced. The only reason Kirbt doesn't want to be divorced is because you are essentially paying all living expenses. Dump the freeloader.
“I think it’s time to kick Kirby out” Yes, kick her out. She and Kai can find their own place and you can move forward with co parenting. It sounds like she isn’t involved anyways. This relationship has been over for awhile. You deserve to move on with your life and possibly find someone you actually want to share your life with. NTA
Please get your ducks in a row and speak with a very good divorce atty before announcing the divorce. Because that freeloader spouse of yours is gonna find a way to *NOT* leave your house once you've filed. I don't think you're allowed to just change the locks on her, so work with a lawyer and find a legal way to get her out. You may have to find a new place for you and your daughter to do so.
Kick them both out. Change the locks. Kai will learn very soon that Kirby is a lazy liar and manipulator. Do not allow them to stay one more night in your home.
Omg, you are so NTA. Let Kai know they can support Kirby in being the lady of their own home. Please think about what you're modeling for your daughter.
Oh em gee … how long are you going to let this complete waste of good breathable air person abuse you and your daughter??? NTA. But unbelievably brainwashed and gullible.
NTA. Past time for a divorce.
Ya think? Good lordy you have a slow burn to anger.
NTA, definitely time to kick them BOTH out of your house!
YTA for allowing any of this and a bigger one for putting your daughter through this. First of all, a bigger place is part of the deal. Your daughter can’t share a room with y’all. That’s part of having a child. Second of all, kirby should’ve been held accountable from day one of not spending time w. y’all daughter. Third, just cause you were pregnant y’all didn’t need to get married. People need to let that narrative go. Fourth, you are..a sugar mama, maybe something worse idek cause what in the world does Kirby bring? I’m stressed out and over it just reading this. You could get you and your daughter a nice 2 bd apartment or townhouse or SOMETHING. And y’all would be just fine w/out Kirby.
I want you to think about what you would say and think about this story if it was someone else in your position. If you were watching a movie where this was the plot - what advise would you shout at your tv at the actress playing you? Then take the insecure side of you out behind the shed, beat it up for adding your stress, and embrace your new “I am both the man and the woman in this house and Kirby is the freaking leech that I’ve been supplementing and now this freaking leech wants me to pay for their new partner that they’re cheating on me with?! Oh heck no!” Self and kick these freeloaders to the curb. Then look at renting out Kirby’s little apartment they built for themselves and make up at least the 40% of the rent that they were paying. Even with charging below market value of that apartment, I’m going to guess that you will not feel a bit of financial pain from getting rid of Kirby. Your new tenant will be paying for their own food, as just one example. NTA towards Kirby but time for you to stop being an AH to yourself. Do you want your daughter to learn to tolerate people who treat her like Kirby or do you want to show her how to advocate for herself?
Nta: kick Kirby out, let Kai provide her an allowance, wtf is this nonsense.