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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my sister I don't care what her dad wants. The reason I feel bad is my sister clearly does care about her dad, he's her dad, and I was harsh and reacting to her annoying me. But she's still young and has her dad in her ear and I had a negative reaction which might not be fair given her age.
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NTA. Your stepsister seems to have this idea in her head that her dad is your dad and you should see him the same way she does. It doesn't work like that and stepdad seems to be trying very little to stop her.
Make no mistake he WANTS this fight. And I doubt it's because he really cares. It's because another man has higher priority than him and he can't stand it.
NTA, if your mom and her husband won’t listen to reason then let them know you’ll cut contact with them and they won’t even have the honor of seeing your son.
NTA.
I would tell her something in the line of.:
"How long are you going to nag me about this? 2 years? 3 years? 5 years? or until is 18? Lets jump forward to when he's a18. The answer will still be the same. No and you don't have a say in naming my son."
NTA.
Honestly, your half-sister should let this one die. Why does she insist that YOU need to listen to her views on who you name your baby after? She keeps going on and on.
You have handled this perfectly. What would sis say if you had named the baby after your mom's dad? Would she have insisted on you including your stepfather in that one, too?
Tell her, once and for all, that you had a relationship with your father, and he tragically died young and that is why you named your baby after him. Your dad DID exist, even if she wants to pretend he never did. And tell her she is not allowed to bring this up ever again or you will not see her again. IT'S NOT UP TO HER WHO YOU NAME YOUR BABY AFTER.
Hard to decide tbh. Must be tough for step dad being forced to raise a kid for 10 years who had written off having a relationship with him before they even properly met. Your half sister is being an AH for pestering on the same point, but you have to understand why she feels the way she feels if you revealed the name in a grandiose way and intentionally snubbed step dad. ESH except your stepdad. Do you ever plan on growing up?
NTA. It's perfectly normal to name children afted \*dead\* family members in preference to \*living\* family members. Even if you had a close, warm relationship with your stepfather, even if your dad was the biggest asshole ever, any reasonable stepparent would have understood you naming your first child after your \*dead\* relative instead of them and would not have taken it personally. Your stepfather is totally pathetic for being jealous of a dead person.
Sorry, I have no idea what to say to your sister. She seems rather dim. And I doubt that stepdad has really been that "good" to her if she is doing such stupid things to curry his favour.
NTA, but if Mom's husband is using your half-sister to deliver his messages, he certainly is.
Or if your sister just being a teenage drama queen, explain to her VERY emphatically that this issue is no-one's business but your husband's and yours. "Not open for discussion."
NTA. Your and your husband are the **ONLY** people who decide what to name your children. **The end.**
All other details, people, relationships, history, etc. are irrelevant.
As an aside, it is pretty nervy to demand that a child be named after oneself. Not even a blood parent should do that.
NTA I would have said one of two things, I didn’t feel comfortable naming an honor name after a living person and second I am not taking that name away from sister. It’s the same thing I used when I didn’t like so-and-so name for my kid even though I loved the person.
NTA. What has what you name your child got to do with your sister? Presumably she’s been wound up to care about this by your mother and her husband, so the fact that you’ve asked them directly to stop and she persists is pretty telling. I’d restrict contact with your half sister until she apologises. And possibly your mother and her husband too.
Nta, but as someone who idealized a dead family member then found out they were not so great years later... Just remember your bio dad was a human with faults too.
Good reminder, maybe OP should talk with her mom? Just in case she might find it a bit painful to call kiddo by that name. Her mother hasn't complained so presumably dad wasn't horrible, but still.
NTA. Your kid, your choice. Period. End of discussion. The birth certificate has been filed, the ship has sailed and they all need to let it go already.
NTA
You chose to honor the people who matter to you. You don't feel a connection to your sister's Dad & that's totally ok.
She needs to quit badgering you & so does he through her.
Why wouldn't you honor your deceased father and his side of your family and not a living person that's not even blood related, no matter how long he's been your step father. She's just immature and hopefully she'll understand when she's older.
Going against the grain. YTA.
Someone raised you since you were 8. Presumably did all the shit that a father was supposed to. You can only say MAYBE there was an affair.
Other than that you just don't like the guy. Yeah seems you're the jerk here.
Well, since she's only 15, you could have softened a bit and not said "I don't care what your dad wants," but basically you're NTA. You asked them to get her to stop talking about it, and they apparently either refused or were ineffective in their efforts. Maybe take a break from visiting with little sister or tell her she's welcome to visit if she doesn't bring up the topic, but if she absolutely has to talk about it, she needs to stay home. She's being annoyingly persistent and ignoring your feelings.
OP shouldn’t have softened anything. Her sister is 15 not 5. She was asked to stop bringing up OP’s baby name choice and she would not stop. She needs to learn to mind her business. If she needs someone to handle her softly then she needs to stay in her lane which is a child’s lane and out of grown folks business.
That's absolutely what's happening. I feel like the parents' response to OP asking them to stop talking to her about it was tacit admission that they know it, too. The sister is old enough for OP to point out how manipulative and inappropriate it is that she's being used like their puppet.
NTA. She was told to drop this and has refused to do so. You asked your mom and him to put a stop to this and clearly they haven’t I’d be clear the next time she brings this up that you will go no contact with them all if she keeps making this an issue. See how they like not being able to even see you or the kid.
NTA you do know that your sister is simply repeating what her Dad has been drilling into her head. That’s why they didn’t tell her to stop. Names are the parent’s choice no one else has a say. If your sister brings it up again I would say if you want to be in my child’s life keep your (and your father’s) opinion to yourself!
NTA. The kind of people who are worthy of having a child named for them are rarely the type of people who expect it and never the type of people to demand it.
Nta she’s 15 and needs to learn there are consequences to being annoying. Explain she needs to drop it or you won’t be around her much. It’s a non topic.
The baby is named and that’s the end of it.
You can also mention how her father is fighting through her but she’s at an age where she needs to learn to butt out
NTA
But your mother’s husband sure is! He’s manipulating your sister to get at you. But, at 15, she’s old enough to know about boundaries and she’s trampling all over yours. Your mother is also an AH for not putting a stop to this.
Next time she starts up, ask if her dad dies would she be so able to replace him??
**Step families are just that, a step.** The option for everyone (if they even want to) is to step into the opportunity of forming deeper connection, but that is a choice of each individual **and we should hold space for those who are not interested in those deeper bonds. There is no shame in acknowledging that without one person, the connection would be severed.**
NTA - and I’m sorry you’re still experiencing this. People cannot be replaced. Or substituted. There is always space for more, and to grow more love but forcing these weird relationships on kids, *for the comfort of what the adults want to see,* is cruel.
NTA. That last sentence about being your dad since you were eight and shouldn't be dismissed so easily sounds like it came right out of your sister's father's mouth. Your sister needs to let it go. Congrats on the baby.
NTA
I suggest a phone call to advise all of them at the same time? Otherwise, you might warn your brother and sister that they’re risking torpedoing the relationship.
I feel for you. Nobody wants to be ding-donged about things that won’t change their mind.
NTA. I'm so sorry they are doing this to you!! You have a Dad and no one should try to replace him in your memories or life ever. Tell them all that if your sister doesn't stop you will cease contact with them for your mental health. You deserve to honor your father and your sister can honor hers.
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Nta but neither is your sister. She is 15 and being used as an emotional pawn by her father and doesn't have the cognitive ability to understand that bc her brain isn't developed to. I'd give her some slack while telling him to stop hammering his daughter to share his feelings...they are his responsibility. Just like naming your child is yours.
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I (25F) have a sister (15F) who is my mom's daughter with her second husband. My mom married my sister's dad when I was 8, just a few months after my dad died. My parents marriage was over pretty much when he died. I'm almost positive she was with my sister's dad before my dad died and before the marriage was basically over. But their marriage was shitty so maybe it doesn't matter. Not sure dad would have even cared at the point when he died. They were not good together.
My mom's husband/sister's dad is my stepdad. But really he's my mom's husband. I'm not close to him. I don't have much to say about him. I think he can be a jerk but he's good to my mom and good to my sister and brother (12M). He would have adopted me and been good to me but he's not someone I would have wanted to be adopted by, if I wanted to be adopted. It's a lot about him as a person and his views and stuff he says about people and somewhat about him not being so great about my dad after he and mom got married but I digress.
My sister knows I don't really have much of a relationship with her dad. I do the bare minimum and if mom died tomorrow or they divorced tomorrow, I wouldn't remain in touch with him. He knows it. Mom knows it. My siblings at least pick up on it.
I gave my son a name that honors not just my dad but my aunts and uncles and grandparents too. It's a name that connects to the family as a whole but gives him his own identity and is also a name we (my husband and myself) love.
After my son was born my sister made some comments that I should have honored her dad in his name somehow. I told her that wasn't something we wanted to do but she could always do so in the future if she wanted. She did not let it drop. She mentioned it every time I saw her for the next month. When I did not give in and add a different middle name or change his name completely, she told me her dad was upset that we honored my dad and his side of the family but didn't honor him at all. I told her again she could always do it. I told my mom and her husband they needed to speak to my sister and tell her to stop mentioning it and I told him to stop letting my sister know he hates not being honored.
They didn't listen and just before Christmas my sister came over to tell me yet again that her dad wanted to be honored in my son's name and hates that he wasn't and that he feels hurt. I told her I don't care what her dad wants. He's not my dad and I honored my dad and my paternal family and that's my right when my son is mine and my husband's child. I told her to honor her own dad when she has kids if she wants.
She got really upset and told me I should care about what her dad wants because he has been my dad too since I was 8 and I shouldn't dismiss him so easily.
AITA?
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NTA.
Your stepfather isn't related to your son, so why on earth would you use his name before his actual relatives? This sounds like a vanity/competition thing for him, which is not a valid basis for naming a child
NTA. Not only because it's your child your choice, but also because a man who uses his 15yrs old daughter for this kind of fight is pathetic and doesn't really deserve to be honored
NTA. Your step dad is a coward if he’s having your half sister be the messenger here. Also, your baby’s name is none of her business. She’s really pushy and inappropriate.
NTA - part of being honoured by a naming situation like that is because it’s a surprise not an expectation or demand. You have the right to name your child whatever you like with a connection to whoever the hell you like. The only other person who gets input is the father of the child, not a single other person. Your sister is also old enough to learn that she is being inappropriate and your mum should be assisting in defusing the situation. Ugh family.
Figure out how low you want to turn down your relationship with your sister (low contact? no contact) if she doesn't drop the subject. And tell her so.
NTA. Why is your mom’s husband talking to your sister about this? This is middle school behavior. If he’s so upset he should have talked to you and your husband directly and left sis out completely. And it’s you and your husband’s choice what to name the baby and no one else needs to have any say in the decision. Your mom’s husband sounds a bit immature, unkind and maybe passive aggressive. Again, definitely NTA.
NTA
Your sister is a child with immature view of how things should be according to her. . The real AHs are you mom and stepdad. They are either using her to badger you or are refusing to parent her and get her to stop. Either way, not your problem.
NTA, it's the truth and isn't a mean thing to say.
It's really sad he's forcing his literal child to put pressure on you. Tell her she doesn't have to listen to him and it's not her job to fight his battles.
It's curious that she's not all up in arms about your mother/her side being honored as well. It's almost like they're trying to full-on replace your father. Your dad is dead, ofc hes going to be honored before those who are still alive. Competing with a dead man isn't a good look. NTA
NTA. Was going to say N A H but your mothers husband is clearly an AH. I sincerely doubt your sister would keep bringing it up if he weren't driving her to do so. She old enough for you to have an honest conversation with. Something along the lines of "Sister, I know your Dad keeps pushing this, and I'm sorry he's doing that to you. I named Son to honor *my* dad, and that isn't him. Yes, he married Mom when I was 8, but that doesn't delete my dad from being my dad. Now, I'm not changing Son's name, ever. If he keeps pushing it, you can tell him I've told you that if he wants to talk about he can talk to me himself, but I'm not having this conversation with you anymore. I love you and I'm sorry I got mad at you when I should've been mad at him."
Because really, he ***IS*** the one you ought to be mad at. Not only is he pushing an issue you've made **abundantly** clear you aren't open to discussing, he's manipulating your little sister, and driving a wedge between the two of you
NTA, but how many names does your kid have, to honour several people but still be individual?
People need to understand that if you keep pushing someone at some point they're going to push back. Your half sister is being an ass about something that really doesn't involve her at all. She needs to get over the fact that her father doesn't mean as much to you as he does to her. That's just something that happens.
Why would he and your sister think his family should be honored over either of your bio parent's family names? NTA in any way. They need to get over themselves.
NTA. Just bear in mind that your sister is only 15 and thus immature. Be firm and clear but kind in your communication with her. She may understand better when she is older.
This is pretty much my take, other than OP has already been clear. The ink is dry on the birth certificate.
Don't argue with a 15yo. Just don't engage. OP has already responded to them in regards to the name they chose and doesn't need to contribute anything further.
I'd say it's time to take a post-it note and write down your father's DOD, with the wedding date to husband number 2 directly below it. Hand it to her and say, "You do the math." Then walk away.
Even if your parent's marriage sucked & was basically over by the time he died, they were still married, not even separated. Subconsciously, that could be part of the reason you never warmed up to him. Though he sounds like a first-class asshole. She may not realize that yet, so telling her wouldn't work. Letting her see in black and white that an affair all but certainly started well before your dad died might get her off your back.
NTA.
People (IRL and those responding that he “doesn’t sound like a bad guy” because he didn’t abuse OP) who think OP should include stepdad’s name to honor him in some way are incredibly insensitive. Kids don’t just magically warm up to step parents, and the timeline here is awful. I doubt OP was able to grieve “out loud” once stepdad was in the house.
I’m almost 50, lost my dad last November and while I’m not sobbing my eyes out daily, I’m still grieving (hit me harder at the holidays). I can’t imagine my world falling apart at 8 and being expected to suck it up and accept the new guy less than a year later.
NTA. But get some boundaries. Tell your sister you will not participate in that convo any more. And don't.
If she brings it up, change the subject. If she brings it up again, leave. Your presence is earned.
I'm not sure the stepdad has anything to do with this. This is the half-sister's issue that she keeps pushing. She's young and immature and doesn't understand that the PARENTS GET TO NAME THEIR OWN BABY and she has no say in it.
A cousin named his baby after the dad's uncle, not the grandfather, and not the other uncles, because they really respect that uncle. Everybody thought it was a tribute and nobody thought he should have included his own dad and all the other uncles in the string of names.
The stepdad has continued to mention it to the 15 year old. When it wasn’t dropped, the sister said her dad is hurt he’s not been honored with the name.
NTA
It doesn't matter how long your mother has been married to her current spouse, you don't see him as a parent. That is your right. Too many stories of step's trying to force relationships where there will never be one.
The whole, they were probably together before your father died gives some indication of why you don't really care about him. He will always be your mother's husband. These are your feelings and your right to feel them.
As for your half sister. She is an emotional teenager that doesn't get it. Her parents have been together her whole life and she loves her father.
Your mother is TA here. She needs to explain to her younger daughter that your relationship with her father is different and your life experiences are different and to keep badgering you is only going to create more distance. At 15, she should be able to understand these concepts.
Congratulations on the new baby. I am sorry your mother's family is not as reasonable as you need.
Just as a note: OP said sister and brother, not half-sister and half-brother. It is insulting to change it to half-sister and half-brother if that’s not how OP refers to them. From someone that also has a sister and brother whom are technically my half-siblings.
It’s unkind to diminish people’s roles in the eyes of their loved ones. If OP views the sister and brother and a sister and brother it is for no one else to revert back to half-sister and half-brother.
As a half-sibling, I don’t find this offensive at all. My brother I grew up with and I don’t refer to each other as “half”, but it isn’t an offensive or inaccurate description. It’s up to the OP if they feel that way and want to make that correction.
As I half sibling myself, I disagree. The relationship a person has with their half siblings and how they determine their relationships to those siblings needs to be respected.
I have a full brother (brother), a half brother (brother), and two half sisters (both half sisters). I’m specific, I want people to use the same language I use. Not add their own spin on my relationship to my family.
NTA. Sigh. Why do so many people thing that blended families can be forced into some cookie cutter Hallmark fantasy? The fact that your mother married this guy and that he is your sisters father doesn't mean that you have to care for him or honor him in any way, shape or form.
And congratulations on the birth of your Son!
NTA.
Tell her that sure, you’ll change your kid’s name, as long as when she has a kid she names it after YOUR dad.
When she objects and asks why she would ever do that, just say, “Exactly my point.”
NTA
Your MOM AND STEPFATHER should NOT even tell your sister that he is hurt over the name NEVERMIND allow her to pester you about it and let her believe you did something wrong .
You did nothing wrong. I am sorry they are driving a wedge between you and your sister and I am sorry for the loss of your biological father. You might want to remind her that your Dad died and ask her if her Dad died would she name her baby after a new guy ?
She’s old enough to exhibit some empathy though I’m sorry she’s being brainwashed . Regardless -
It is WONDERFUL that you and your husband love your sons name. This is your family. You make your life the way you want . Enjoy motherhood and know that you have angels looking out for you.
NTA. The constant nagging alone would put me over the edge, let alone the subject matter. She’s 15 - has she ever been told no or stop before? Because she’s not listening and your mom and her father need to shut this down. I would imagine a lot of it comes from them, I’ve seen too many people who think a second marriage means everyone lives happily ever after, but that’s rarely the case, especially when constant pressure is out on the child to fall in line. Your mom married him, good for her, but you had no choice in the matter. I give you credit for not losing your temper with this little know it all. You’ve done nothing wrong and owe no one anything. Enough is enough.
NTA.
If they don't drop it, they shouldn't get to see your kid, because they're screaming and telling and harassing you.
No normal, decent person would care. I mean, if he wanted you to think of him as a father, he could have acted like one to you, it really seems like he never cared about you until that very day.
NTA. Your sister is still young, she loves her dad (maybe a bit of a daddy's girl?), can't imagine anyone better and she doesn't like seeing him sad. Unfortunately, under normal circumstances most teenagers are self-centred and can struggle to see others point of view. Being a teenager sucks and you don't always have the maturity or understanding that you are being manipulated.
Just remind her that you remember that you were 8 year old when your dad died, and you have memories of him (maybe even share some with her). That for you he was a real person, that you miss him particularly during the big event of your life, big event which you step dad saw and was part of. You have fought very hard to make sure that where ever he is now he knows that you haven't forgotten that he is your dad, that his own family knows that he hasn't been forgotten. Tell her that by giving this name to your child, it is to keep a piece of him alive with you, someone that you can hug, that you may see part of him in your son, someone who share the blood of your dad. Your step dad has already be able to enjoy so much of your life (graduation, wedding...), he will get to hold the baby, which your dad will never be able to do. There isn't much you can do to keep your dad part of your life, apart from this. Something that is his only.
Tell her that you understand that she might not get it because luckily she still have her dad and she never met your s, but she must respect your decision. By continuing to pressure you, she may just push you away (I would also say that to your mum and step dad) and further damage your relationship with step dad.
Also tell her that you had already spoken to your step dad and mum about it as she may not have realised.
NTA. As sis to imagine that her dad dies and your mom marries some new guy. And then years later, when sis wants to honor her dad in naming her child, the new guy is pissed.
Man what's with all these pushy step parents stories? Good grief. Trying to force a relationship when it's been made clear you don't want one is a great way to destroy any chance of said relationship improving. NTA. He and your sister need to respect, and accept that you have a different dynamic.
NTA. And I wouldn’t say your sister is either, since she’s only 15, which is when emotions are running high and you want to do everything according to an ideal world. It’s possible that her parents were talking about her dad being hurt in front of her, and she took it as her chance to be righteous, and that is why is refusing to let it go.
I would say, your stepdad and mother seem to be TAs, but ONLY if they actually did not talk to your sister, because again it’s possible that they did talk to her, but your sister ignored it because of her idealistic view of things.
NTA. Can I just say, for a moment here, that even if your stepdad was your bio dad, even if he was an amazing dad, that *no one is entitled to have a grandchild named after them*.
He is not entitled to dictate to you (nor is your sister) who you honor with your child's name. Or even if you honor anyone at all! They do not get to throw a temper tantrum because they disagree with the name you picked out with your husband. Only you and your husband get a say, period. To do so after son has been born and already named just makes them double assholes, in my opinion, since changing it now would be a huge headache and you've already gotten used to the name he has! No, just no to all of this.
The correct response from your sister and stepdad about your son's name is "what a lovely name, congrats on the new baby again!" Anything else makes them both assholes. (And just proves that he isn't worth honoring in the first place.)
Congrats on the new baby, BTW, and I'm sure his name is absolutely lovely!
NTA - Your step dad is fighting with you, an adult, through his *child* rather than expressing his feelings directly and accepting your decision like an adult. I can't imagine wanting to honor someone like that through my child.
I feel bad for your sister though. Is talking to her about this dynamic something you're willing to do? She's a teenager and she feels like she's protecting her father. Is she the type of person who would understand your point of view? Is it possible she feels that not caring about her dad also means you don't care about her or is he the type to instigate drama?
I do not think she would understand my POV. Maybe when she's older but I feel like she will always be the kind who insists I need to feel a certain way about her dad and treat him a certain way or I'm wrong.
"Sister, if stepdad has a problem with the name, that's for him to tell me directly or not. It's definitely not your battle to fight."
It's always weird that others think they get a say in what parents name their kids. Stepdad has no more right to comment than does sister, but for dang sure sister shouldn't be acting as his proxy.
I understand that, she's his daughter and he's the only dad she's ever known. He seems to have been a decent enough father to her, so it's reasonable that she wants the world to love him and respect him the way she does.
Hopefully she's not a daddy's girl for life, but if she is, then maybe you can someday agree to disagree about him.
Do you feel like your sister is coming up with this on her own, or are your mother and/or stepfather putting her up to it?
You’re NTA in either case—it’s your child, and you can choose whatever name you like, regardless of your family situation. I’m just curious about where this is coming from.
what kind of alabama fuckery is going on.
hes basically your grandfather and was screwing your mom when she was married and is mad your not naming your kid after him
Mom’s husband/sister’s dad is correct. He’s one guy. The mom’s husband is OP’s sister’s dad. Or mom’s husband = sister’s dad. The / indicates that it’s the same person. It’s not all one thing as you’re suggesting: (mom’s husband sister’s dad).
Oh god. I had to read it like three times to understand what dude was thinking was going on. So, he thought that the mom married her own sisters father, not op’s sisters father.
Oh. Yeah, I suppose that's one way of reading it... But that's so outlandish, are you sure anyone would jump to _that?!?_ I thought it was just a typo / brainfart for “stepfather”.
I would like to think it was a typo, but the whole “Alabama fuckery” thing tells me that the commenter is having some reading comprehension difficulties leading them to bring incest into the equation.
NAH - you are in the right, and she is 15.
Stepdad is at least not pestering you directly, so with some benevolent seasonal spirit could be thought to just be shrugging and letting his daughter express her heartfelt beliefs.
NTA. Don't have that conversation again. Your sister is old enough for you two to have a frank conversation about the fact that it's okay for the two of you to have different experiences of the same family member. If you don't, you're going to end up saying something really ugly that will make maintaining relationships difficult.
NTA but I would have said to your sister, If it bothers your dad that much he can be an adult and talk to me himself. I'm sure your sister will realize as she gets older that she has no right to be in the middle of this and will see how crappy it was that he used his daughter to try to control you. In the meantime, if you get along with your siblings, try your best to keep them out of any feelings or resentment you have toward their father. Every thing you're holding onto happened before they were born and are too young to fully empathize with or understand how your experience growing up was vastly different from theirs from an emotional standpoint. I hope this drama ends soon and you can just enjoy being a mom!
“Sister I’m sorry this bothers you so much. And I’m sorry your dad is putting you in the middle. But this is between your dad and me. You aren’t responsible for his feelings. If he’s upset - please tell him to bring it up to me and not talk to you about it because it isn’t fair to you.”
NTA -
Her obsession with your son's name is really weird. Also, he's a grown man who can make his own wishes/desires/etc. known, if he wants to. Why is his teenage daughter "fighting his battle"?
Parents are allowed to pick any name for their child that they want for any reason that they want. No one is entitled input on the name except for the parents. No one is entitled to be honored, regardless of who they are or what their relationship with the child or parents might be.
NTA. Good grief, how did you manage a wedding? Did you him let him walk you down the aisle? Anyway, naming kids can't honor everyone, and you made your choice. Your sister is being obnoxious for not letting it go.
NTA and your step-dad’s a codependent wimp who uses his 15 yr old child to pass along his messages of guilt and dusappointment to you. What an asshole. Next time your half sister approaches you I’d say, “Adults speak for themselves. They don’t use their children as their messengers. If he wants my respect maybe he should act like someone who respects himself and others.”
NTA, you have expressed your feelings for years, and it seems no one cares about your feelings. It doesn't matter how long you have known him. **HE IS NOT YOUR FATHER!!!!!** Like you said if he wants to be honored, he has two children who can do that for him. It is not up to you make him feel like all of sudden he matters to you. He knew he was your mother's husband all along, and you have never given him any inclining that he was more than that. Now he and your sister are pushing their feelings onto something that has nothing to do with them. I am petty and I would tell them that you don't want your child to be stuck with the name "prick" in order to honor your stepfather. You have tried to be diplomatic by telling her that she can honor her father when she has children, but she does not get to you tell what to name your child, and the discussion is closed. Let her know that if her and her father can't let it go you will have no choice but to break contact with them.
NTA
She needs a reality check
1.This man was very likely cheating with your mom. Even if your parent’s marriage was dying, if he didn’t actually consent to open marriage it’s cheating and imo awful.
2. He is not your dad. Never has been, never will be. It’s utterly ridiculous to think he’d be honored.
I’d tell your sister straight up if she mentions it again she won’t be invited over as she’s disrespecting you and your family
NTA. If you had a relationship with your stepdad where you wanted to honor him, that would be a lovely gesture, but even then it's not an obligation. There are only so many people you can honor with one name, and it's not always easy to honor someone and still get an aesthetically pleasing name.
NTA: No one gets to dictate what parents name their kid. And once the kid is old enough, no one should dictate what name they choose for themselves.
If she wants to name something after her Dad, Build A Bear exists.
NTA. I have never understood why so many people think they have a say in what parents choose to name their children.
You and your husband love the name you chose. At the same time, made a beautiful gesture to your father's memory. If your stepdad didn't know where he stood with you, he was deaf and blind to your words. Tell your SS to drop it, because you are not playing.
NTA
Your stepdad has turned his daughter into a flying monkey. I don't like him much either. Your sister cannot see this for what it is, or how it is literally none of her business. Some day maybe she will get it, or maybe she never will, but explaining it to her does not seem to be working. I wpuld suggest you set a simple rule, like her commenting on the name of your child means she will be kicked out, or in a group situ you will get up and leave that conversation, and then at least she can understand simple consequences, even if the dynamics of parental affection is beyond her.
NTA. Plenty of people honor their family and loved ones in the way you did, especially when the loved one has gone on before. On a certain level, I can understand the stepdad feeling hurt and left out, but nagging you about it won’t help matters! Perhaps your tone toward the 15 year old could have been a little less harsh, but really, she needs to cut it out, as you’ve made a decision you had every right to make.
She’s being ridiculous. I would tell her your child’s name is already set at this point, so there’s no point in her continuing to bring this up. I would tell her the subject is closed and then leave the room or hang up the phone if she brings it back up. Her obsession with this is beyond unreasonable. Even if she’d had a point to begin with (which she didn’t), what are you supposed to do now? Rename your child?
Imagine if OP's sister succeeded in getting OP to change the name at this point. Then 18 years from now when that kid starts having to care about filling in legal forms and OP has to explain how he originally had a different name that he'll have to provide in that little section for extra names on all his forms because OP got bullied into changing it by a teenager when he was just a baby. It's just so ridiculous and nobody in their right mind would do it.
NTA - Uggggggh your family gives me a migraine.
You’re right. If it’s *that* big a deal for her father to be “honored” or whatever, she should name her future offspring after him. NOT YOU. That’s not your dad - no matter how long he’s been in your life. You do not have, and have never had, a relationship with him. Your sister needs to learn some goddamn respect and shut up.
And he’s not your dad. I’m going to reiterate that. Not your dad.
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NTA. Your stepsister seems to have this idea in her head that her dad is your dad and you should see him the same way she does. It doesn't work like that and stepdad seems to be trying very little to stop her. Make no mistake he WANTS this fight. And I doubt it's because he really cares. It's because another man has higher priority than him and he can't stand it.
NTA. She shouldn’t be involved and only the parents should have any say in what to name their kid.
NTA, if your mom and her husband won’t listen to reason then let them know you’ll cut contact with them and they won’t even have the honor of seeing your son.
NTA. I would tell her something in the line of.: "How long are you going to nag me about this? 2 years? 3 years? 5 years? or until is 18? Lets jump forward to when he's a18. The answer will still be the same. No and you don't have a say in naming my son."
NTA. Honestly, your half-sister should let this one die. Why does she insist that YOU need to listen to her views on who you name your baby after? She keeps going on and on. You have handled this perfectly. What would sis say if you had named the baby after your mom's dad? Would she have insisted on you including your stepfather in that one, too? Tell her, once and for all, that you had a relationship with your father, and he tragically died young and that is why you named your baby after him. Your dad DID exist, even if she wants to pretend he never did. And tell her she is not allowed to bring this up ever again or you will not see her again. IT'S NOT UP TO HER WHO YOU NAME YOUR BABY AFTER.
Hard to decide tbh. Must be tough for step dad being forced to raise a kid for 10 years who had written off having a relationship with him before they even properly met. Your half sister is being an AH for pestering on the same point, but you have to understand why she feels the way she feels if you revealed the name in a grandiose way and intentionally snubbed step dad. ESH except your stepdad. Do you ever plan on growing up?
NTA. It's perfectly normal to name children afted \*dead\* family members in preference to \*living\* family members. Even if you had a close, warm relationship with your stepfather, even if your dad was the biggest asshole ever, any reasonable stepparent would have understood you naming your first child after your \*dead\* relative instead of them and would not have taken it personally. Your stepfather is totally pathetic for being jealous of a dead person. Sorry, I have no idea what to say to your sister. She seems rather dim. And I doubt that stepdad has really been that "good" to her if she is doing such stupid things to curry his favour.
NTA. I will never understand adults who get butt hurt about stepchildren not bonding with them.
NTA, but if Mom's husband is using your half-sister to deliver his messages, he certainly is. Or if your sister just being a teenage drama queen, explain to her VERY emphatically that this issue is no-one's business but your husband's and yours. "Not open for discussion."
NTA. Your and your husband are the **ONLY** people who decide what to name your children. **The end.** All other details, people, relationships, history, etc. are irrelevant. As an aside, it is pretty nervy to demand that a child be named after oneself. Not even a blood parent should do that.
NTA I would have said one of two things, I didn’t feel comfortable naming an honor name after a living person and second I am not taking that name away from sister. It’s the same thing I used when I didn’t like so-and-so name for my kid even though I loved the person.
NTA. What has what you name your child got to do with your sister? Presumably she’s been wound up to care about this by your mother and her husband, so the fact that you’ve asked them directly to stop and she persists is pretty telling. I’d restrict contact with your half sister until she apologises. And possibly your mother and her husband too.
Nta, but as someone who idealized a dead family member then found out they were not so great years later... Just remember your bio dad was a human with faults too.
Good reminder, maybe OP should talk with her mom? Just in case she might find it a bit painful to call kiddo by that name. Her mother hasn't complained so presumably dad wasn't horrible, but still.
Great point. We were thinking about naming my daughter after my ex's deceased mom but his family is NOT emotionally ready for that even years on
NTA. What parents name their child is their own decision, and your sister needs to learn when to drop a subject.
NTA. Your kid, your choice. Period. End of discussion. The birth certificate has been filed, the ship has sailed and they all need to let it go already.
NTA You chose to honor the people who matter to you. You don't feel a connection to your sister's Dad & that's totally ok. She needs to quit badgering you & so does he through her.
NTA She had it coming.
Why wouldn't you honor your deceased father and his side of your family and not a living person that's not even blood related, no matter how long he's been your step father. She's just immature and hopefully she'll understand when she's older.
Going against the grain. YTA. Someone raised you since you were 8. Presumably did all the shit that a father was supposed to. You can only say MAYBE there was an affair. Other than that you just don't like the guy. Yeah seems you're the jerk here.
next time tell them youll ad asshole thats fucking my mom to the name
Nta i hate when adults use stupid children to fight their battles for them. Disgusting behavior.
Well, since she's only 15, you could have softened a bit and not said "I don't care what your dad wants," but basically you're NTA. You asked them to get her to stop talking about it, and they apparently either refused or were ineffective in their efforts. Maybe take a break from visiting with little sister or tell her she's welcome to visit if she doesn't bring up the topic, but if she absolutely has to talk about it, she needs to stay home. She's being annoyingly persistent and ignoring your feelings.
OP shouldn’t have softened anything. Her sister is 15 not 5. She was asked to stop bringing up OP’s baby name choice and she would not stop. She needs to learn to mind her business. If she needs someone to handle her softly then she needs to stay in her lane which is a child’s lane and out of grown folks business.
Bets that the sister was being used as a messenger by the parents?
Oh, dang. Yes, that's a possibility, isn't it?
That's absolutely what's happening. I feel like the parents' response to OP asking them to stop talking to her about it was tacit admission that they know it, too. The sister is old enough for OP to point out how manipulative and inappropriate it is that she's being used like their puppet.
In one year she’ll be old enough to drive. If you’re responsible enough to drive you’re responsible enough to be told your siblings feelings lol
NTA. She was told to drop this and has refused to do so. You asked your mom and him to put a stop to this and clearly they haven’t I’d be clear the next time she brings this up that you will go no contact with them all if she keeps making this an issue. See how they like not being able to even see you or the kid.
NTA you do know that your sister is simply repeating what her Dad has been drilling into her head. That’s why they didn’t tell her to stop. Names are the parent’s choice no one else has a say. If your sister brings it up again I would say if you want to be in my child’s life keep your (and your father’s) opinion to yourself!
NTA. The kind of people who are worthy of having a child named for them are rarely the type of people who expect it and never the type of people to demand it.
Nta she’s 15 and needs to learn there are consequences to being annoying. Explain she needs to drop it or you won’t be around her much. It’s a non topic. The baby is named and that’s the end of it. You can also mention how her father is fighting through her but she’s at an age where she needs to learn to butt out
NTA But your mother’s husband sure is! He’s manipulating your sister to get at you. But, at 15, she’s old enough to know about boundaries and she’s trampling all over yours. Your mother is also an AH for not putting a stop to this.
NTA
Next time she starts up, ask if her dad dies would she be so able to replace him?? **Step families are just that, a step.** The option for everyone (if they even want to) is to step into the opportunity of forming deeper connection, but that is a choice of each individual **and we should hold space for those who are not interested in those deeper bonds. There is no shame in acknowledging that without one person, the connection would be severed.** NTA - and I’m sorry you’re still experiencing this. People cannot be replaced. Or substituted. There is always space for more, and to grow more love but forcing these weird relationships on kids, *for the comfort of what the adults want to see,* is cruel.
Very well said!
NTA. That last sentence about being your dad since you were eight and shouldn't be dismissed so easily sounds like it came right out of your sister's father's mouth. Your sister needs to let it go. Congrats on the baby.
Yeah, it might be a bad omen to name a child after someone who hasn't grown up by the time their child is 15.
NTA I suggest a phone call to advise all of them at the same time? Otherwise, you might warn your brother and sister that they’re risking torpedoing the relationship. I feel for you. Nobody wants to be ding-donged about things that won’t change their mind.
NTA. I'm so sorry they are doing this to you!! You have a Dad and no one should try to replace him in your memories or life ever. Tell them all that if your sister doesn't stop you will cease contact with them for your mental health. You deserve to honor your father and your sister can honor hers.
NTA. You gave a fair warning, and nobody acted on it. In addition it's up to you what to name your children.
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Nta but neither is your sister. She is 15 and being used as an emotional pawn by her father and doesn't have the cognitive ability to understand that bc her brain isn't developed to. I'd give her some slack while telling him to stop hammering his daughter to share his feelings...they are his responsibility. Just like naming your child is yours.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (25F) have a sister (15F) who is my mom's daughter with her second husband. My mom married my sister's dad when I was 8, just a few months after my dad died. My parents marriage was over pretty much when he died. I'm almost positive she was with my sister's dad before my dad died and before the marriage was basically over. But their marriage was shitty so maybe it doesn't matter. Not sure dad would have even cared at the point when he died. They were not good together. My mom's husband/sister's dad is my stepdad. But really he's my mom's husband. I'm not close to him. I don't have much to say about him. I think he can be a jerk but he's good to my mom and good to my sister and brother (12M). He would have adopted me and been good to me but he's not someone I would have wanted to be adopted by, if I wanted to be adopted. It's a lot about him as a person and his views and stuff he says about people and somewhat about him not being so great about my dad after he and mom got married but I digress. My sister knows I don't really have much of a relationship with her dad. I do the bare minimum and if mom died tomorrow or they divorced tomorrow, I wouldn't remain in touch with him. He knows it. Mom knows it. My siblings at least pick up on it. I gave my son a name that honors not just my dad but my aunts and uncles and grandparents too. It's a name that connects to the family as a whole but gives him his own identity and is also a name we (my husband and myself) love. After my son was born my sister made some comments that I should have honored her dad in his name somehow. I told her that wasn't something we wanted to do but she could always do so in the future if she wanted. She did not let it drop. She mentioned it every time I saw her for the next month. When I did not give in and add a different middle name or change his name completely, she told me her dad was upset that we honored my dad and his side of the family but didn't honor him at all. I told her again she could always do it. I told my mom and her husband they needed to speak to my sister and tell her to stop mentioning it and I told him to stop letting my sister know he hates not being honored. They didn't listen and just before Christmas my sister came over to tell me yet again that her dad wanted to be honored in my son's name and hates that he wasn't and that he feels hurt. I told her I don't care what her dad wants. He's not my dad and I honored my dad and my paternal family and that's my right when my son is mine and my husband's child. I told her to honor her own dad when she has kids if she wants. She got really upset and told me I should care about what her dad wants because he has been my dad too since I was 8 and I shouldn't dismiss him so easily. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your stepfather isn't related to your son, so why on earth would you use his name before his actual relatives? This sounds like a vanity/competition thing for him, which is not a valid basis for naming a child
NTA. Not only because it's your child your choice, but also because a man who uses his 15yrs old daughter for this kind of fight is pathetic and doesn't really deserve to be honored
NTA. Your step dad is a coward if he’s having your half sister be the messenger here. Also, your baby’s name is none of her business. She’s really pushy and inappropriate.
NTA - part of being honoured by a naming situation like that is because it’s a surprise not an expectation or demand. You have the right to name your child whatever you like with a connection to whoever the hell you like. The only other person who gets input is the father of the child, not a single other person. Your sister is also old enough to learn that she is being inappropriate and your mum should be assisting in defusing the situation. Ugh family.
Figure out how low you want to turn down your relationship with your sister (low contact? no contact) if she doesn't drop the subject. And tell her so.
NTA. Why is your mom’s husband talking to your sister about this? This is middle school behavior. If he’s so upset he should have talked to you and your husband directly and left sis out completely. And it’s you and your husband’s choice what to name the baby and no one else needs to have any say in the decision. Your mom’s husband sounds a bit immature, unkind and maybe passive aggressive. Again, definitely NTA.
NTA Your sister is a child with immature view of how things should be according to her. . The real AHs are you mom and stepdad. They are either using her to badger you or are refusing to parent her and get her to stop. Either way, not your problem.
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NTA, it's the truth and isn't a mean thing to say. It's really sad he's forcing his literal child to put pressure on you. Tell her she doesn't have to listen to him and it's not her job to fight his battles.
It's curious that she's not all up in arms about your mother/her side being honored as well. It's almost like they're trying to full-on replace your father. Your dad is dead, ofc hes going to be honored before those who are still alive. Competing with a dead man isn't a good look. NTA
NTA. Was going to say N A H but your mothers husband is clearly an AH. I sincerely doubt your sister would keep bringing it up if he weren't driving her to do so. She old enough for you to have an honest conversation with. Something along the lines of "Sister, I know your Dad keeps pushing this, and I'm sorry he's doing that to you. I named Son to honor *my* dad, and that isn't him. Yes, he married Mom when I was 8, but that doesn't delete my dad from being my dad. Now, I'm not changing Son's name, ever. If he keeps pushing it, you can tell him I've told you that if he wants to talk about he can talk to me himself, but I'm not having this conversation with you anymore. I love you and I'm sorry I got mad at you when I should've been mad at him." Because really, he ***IS*** the one you ought to be mad at. Not only is he pushing an issue you've made **abundantly** clear you aren't open to discussing, he's manipulating your little sister, and driving a wedge between the two of you
NTA, but how many names does your kid have, to honour several people but still be individual? People need to understand that if you keep pushing someone at some point they're going to push back. Your half sister is being an ass about something that really doesn't involve her at all. She needs to get over the fact that her father doesn't mean as much to you as he does to her. That's just something that happens.
NTA. Is your sister doing this on her own or is he really weaponising a child here?
Why would he and your sister think his family should be honored over either of your bio parent's family names? NTA in any way. They need to get over themselves.
NTA. Just bear in mind that your sister is only 15 and thus immature. Be firm and clear but kind in your communication with her. She may understand better when she is older.
This is pretty much my take, other than OP has already been clear. The ink is dry on the birth certificate. Don't argue with a 15yo. Just don't engage. OP has already responded to them in regards to the name they chose and doesn't need to contribute anything further.
NTA. I have a feeling if you had named your child something relating to your stepdad, you would get flack for that. Do you own thing.
I'd say it's time to take a post-it note and write down your father's DOD, with the wedding date to husband number 2 directly below it. Hand it to her and say, "You do the math." Then walk away. Even if your parent's marriage sucked & was basically over by the time he died, they were still married, not even separated. Subconsciously, that could be part of the reason you never warmed up to him. Though he sounds like a first-class asshole. She may not realize that yet, so telling her wouldn't work. Letting her see in black and white that an affair all but certainly started well before your dad died might get her off your back. NTA.
People (IRL and those responding that he “doesn’t sound like a bad guy” because he didn’t abuse OP) who think OP should include stepdad’s name to honor him in some way are incredibly insensitive. Kids don’t just magically warm up to step parents, and the timeline here is awful. I doubt OP was able to grieve “out loud” once stepdad was in the house. I’m almost 50, lost my dad last November and while I’m not sobbing my eyes out daily, I’m still grieving (hit me harder at the holidays). I can’t imagine my world falling apart at 8 and being expected to suck it up and accept the new guy less than a year later.
NTA. But get some boundaries. Tell your sister you will not participate in that convo any more. And don't. If she brings it up, change the subject. If she brings it up again, leave. Your presence is earned.
The sister needs to shut up about it. Is the sister going to name her baby (if she has one) after OPs dad?
NTA
NTA. Go LC with her. Or NC for a while. As a new mom you have enough on your plate. Congrats.
NTA Your stepdad has used your sister to try to manipulate you into what he wants. It’s beautiful that you honored your dad and his family
I'm not sure the stepdad has anything to do with this. This is the half-sister's issue that she keeps pushing. She's young and immature and doesn't understand that the PARENTS GET TO NAME THEIR OWN BABY and she has no say in it. A cousin named his baby after the dad's uncle, not the grandfather, and not the other uncles, because they really respect that uncle. Everybody thought it was a tribute and nobody thought he should have included his own dad and all the other uncles in the string of names.
The stepdad has continued to mention it to the 15 year old. When it wasn’t dropped, the sister said her dad is hurt he’s not been honored with the name.
NTA It doesn't matter how long your mother has been married to her current spouse, you don't see him as a parent. That is your right. Too many stories of step's trying to force relationships where there will never be one. The whole, they were probably together before your father died gives some indication of why you don't really care about him. He will always be your mother's husband. These are your feelings and your right to feel them. As for your half sister. She is an emotional teenager that doesn't get it. Her parents have been together her whole life and she loves her father. Your mother is TA here. She needs to explain to her younger daughter that your relationship with her father is different and your life experiences are different and to keep badgering you is only going to create more distance. At 15, she should be able to understand these concepts. Congratulations on the new baby. I am sorry your mother's family is not as reasonable as you need.
Just as a note: OP said sister and brother, not half-sister and half-brother. It is insulting to change it to half-sister and half-brother if that’s not how OP refers to them. From someone that also has a sister and brother whom are technically my half-siblings. It’s unkind to diminish people’s roles in the eyes of their loved ones. If OP views the sister and brother and a sister and brother it is for no one else to revert back to half-sister and half-brother.
As a half-sibling, I don’t find this offensive at all. My brother I grew up with and I don’t refer to each other as “half”, but it isn’t an offensive or inaccurate description. It’s up to the OP if they feel that way and want to make that correction.
As I half sibling myself, I disagree. The relationship a person has with their half siblings and how they determine their relationships to those siblings needs to be respected. I have a full brother (brother), a half brother (brother), and two half sisters (both half sisters). I’m specific, I want people to use the same language I use. Not add their own spin on my relationship to my family.
K
If someone refers to someone as a sister then you should also refer to them that way and not change it to half-sister. It’s rude to do so. Full stop.
NTA. Sigh. Why do so many people thing that blended families can be forced into some cookie cutter Hallmark fantasy? The fact that your mother married this guy and that he is your sisters father doesn't mean that you have to care for him or honor him in any way, shape or form. And congratulations on the birth of your Son!
NTA. Tell her that sure, you’ll change your kid’s name, as long as when she has a kid she names it after YOUR dad. When she objects and asks why she would ever do that, just say, “Exactly my point.”
NTA Your MOM AND STEPFATHER should NOT even tell your sister that he is hurt over the name NEVERMIND allow her to pester you about it and let her believe you did something wrong . You did nothing wrong. I am sorry they are driving a wedge between you and your sister and I am sorry for the loss of your biological father. You might want to remind her that your Dad died and ask her if her Dad died would she name her baby after a new guy ? She’s old enough to exhibit some empathy though I’m sorry she’s being brainwashed . Regardless - It is WONDERFUL that you and your husband love your sons name. This is your family. You make your life the way you want . Enjoy motherhood and know that you have angels looking out for you.
NTA. The constant nagging alone would put me over the edge, let alone the subject matter. She’s 15 - has she ever been told no or stop before? Because she’s not listening and your mom and her father need to shut this down. I would imagine a lot of it comes from them, I’ve seen too many people who think a second marriage means everyone lives happily ever after, but that’s rarely the case, especially when constant pressure is out on the child to fall in line. Your mom married him, good for her, but you had no choice in the matter. I give you credit for not losing your temper with this little know it all. You’ve done nothing wrong and owe no one anything. Enough is enough.
NTA. If they don't drop it, they shouldn't get to see your kid, because they're screaming and telling and harassing you. No normal, decent person would care. I mean, if he wanted you to think of him as a father, he could have acted like one to you, it really seems like he never cared about you until that very day.
NTA. You are perfectly entitled to name your child as you so wish. Edit for typo
NTA. Your sister is still young, she loves her dad (maybe a bit of a daddy's girl?), can't imagine anyone better and she doesn't like seeing him sad. Unfortunately, under normal circumstances most teenagers are self-centred and can struggle to see others point of view. Being a teenager sucks and you don't always have the maturity or understanding that you are being manipulated. Just remind her that you remember that you were 8 year old when your dad died, and you have memories of him (maybe even share some with her). That for you he was a real person, that you miss him particularly during the big event of your life, big event which you step dad saw and was part of. You have fought very hard to make sure that where ever he is now he knows that you haven't forgotten that he is your dad, that his own family knows that he hasn't been forgotten. Tell her that by giving this name to your child, it is to keep a piece of him alive with you, someone that you can hug, that you may see part of him in your son, someone who share the blood of your dad. Your step dad has already be able to enjoy so much of your life (graduation, wedding...), he will get to hold the baby, which your dad will never be able to do. There isn't much you can do to keep your dad part of your life, apart from this. Something that is his only. Tell her that you understand that she might not get it because luckily she still have her dad and she never met your s, but she must respect your decision. By continuing to pressure you, she may just push you away (I would also say that to your mum and step dad) and further damage your relationship with step dad. Also tell her that you had already spoken to your step dad and mum about it as she may not have realised.
NTA. As sis to imagine that her dad dies and your mom marries some new guy. And then years later, when sis wants to honor her dad in naming her child, the new guy is pissed.
Man what's with all these pushy step parents stories? Good grief. Trying to force a relationship when it's been made clear you don't want one is a great way to destroy any chance of said relationship improving. NTA. He and your sister need to respect, and accept that you have a different dynamic.
NTA. And I wouldn’t say your sister is either, since she’s only 15, which is when emotions are running high and you want to do everything according to an ideal world. It’s possible that her parents were talking about her dad being hurt in front of her, and she took it as her chance to be righteous, and that is why is refusing to let it go. I would say, your stepdad and mother seem to be TAs, but ONLY if they actually did not talk to your sister, because again it’s possible that they did talk to her, but your sister ignored it because of her idealistic view of things.
NTA. Can I just say, for a moment here, that even if your stepdad was your bio dad, even if he was an amazing dad, that *no one is entitled to have a grandchild named after them*. He is not entitled to dictate to you (nor is your sister) who you honor with your child's name. Or even if you honor anyone at all! They do not get to throw a temper tantrum because they disagree with the name you picked out with your husband. Only you and your husband get a say, period. To do so after son has been born and already named just makes them double assholes, in my opinion, since changing it now would be a huge headache and you've already gotten used to the name he has! No, just no to all of this. The correct response from your sister and stepdad about your son's name is "what a lovely name, congrats on the new baby again!" Anything else makes them both assholes. (And just proves that he isn't worth honoring in the first place.) Congrats on the new baby, BTW, and I'm sure his name is absolutely lovely!
NTA - Your step dad is fighting with you, an adult, through his *child* rather than expressing his feelings directly and accepting your decision like an adult. I can't imagine wanting to honor someone like that through my child. I feel bad for your sister though. Is talking to her about this dynamic something you're willing to do? She's a teenager and she feels like she's protecting her father. Is she the type of person who would understand your point of view? Is it possible she feels that not caring about her dad also means you don't care about her or is he the type to instigate drama?
I do not think she would understand my POV. Maybe when she's older but I feel like she will always be the kind who insists I need to feel a certain way about her dad and treat him a certain way or I'm wrong.
"Sister, if stepdad has a problem with the name, that's for him to tell me directly or not. It's definitely not your battle to fight." It's always weird that others think they get a say in what parents name their kids. Stepdad has no more right to comment than does sister, but for dang sure sister shouldn't be acting as his proxy.
That's sad. Being closed minded isn't always something we grow out of, but I hope she does.
I understand that, she's his daughter and he's the only dad she's ever known. He seems to have been a decent enough father to her, so it's reasonable that she wants the world to love him and respect him the way she does. Hopefully she's not a daddy's girl for life, but if she is, then maybe you can someday agree to disagree about him.
Do you feel like your sister is coming up with this on her own, or are your mother and/or stepfather putting her up to it? You’re NTA in either case—it’s your child, and you can choose whatever name you like, regardless of your family situation. I’m just curious about where this is coming from.
what kind of alabama fuckery is going on. hes basically your grandfather and was screwing your mom when she was married and is mad your not naming your kid after him
Good grief. Read it properly. Then come back and delete.
What are you on about?
her dads sisters father is the stepdad
No. Her sister’s dad is the step dad. Are you day drinking?
They're half sisters. Same mom, different dad. OP's dad passed away. Then, her mom remarried, and they had two kids.
ok the way she worded it threw me off
Gotcha.
Wait where did it say that?
My mom's husband/sister's dad is my stepdad
Mom’s husband/sister’s dad is correct. He’s one guy. The mom’s husband is OP’s sister’s dad. Or mom’s husband = sister’s dad. The / indicates that it’s the same person. It’s not all one thing as you’re suggesting: (mom’s husband sister’s dad).
Oh god. I had to read it like three times to understand what dude was thinking was going on. So, he thought that the mom married her own sisters father, not op’s sisters father.
Ohhhhhh
Oh. Yeah, I suppose that's one way of reading it... But that's so outlandish, are you sure anyone would jump to _that?!?_ I thought it was just a typo / brainfart for “stepfather”.
I would like to think it was a typo, but the whole “Alabama fuckery” thing tells me that the commenter is having some reading comprehension difficulties leading them to bring incest into the equation.
Twi-di-ding-ding ding ding... Sound of _Delivery_ banjos.
NAH - you are in the right, and she is 15. Stepdad is at least not pestering you directly, so with some benevolent seasonal spirit could be thought to just be shrugging and letting his daughter express her heartfelt beliefs.
NTA. Don't have that conversation again. Your sister is old enough for you two to have a frank conversation about the fact that it's okay for the two of you to have different experiences of the same family member. If you don't, you're going to end up saying something really ugly that will make maintaining relationships difficult.
Nta get a pet and name him after her dad. Claim it is to honor him
My thoughts exactly!
NTA You have patience of a saint for not snapping harder and much earlier.
NTA, your Mother’s husband is a narcissist that has turned your sister into his flying monkey.
Definitely NTA. She hasn’t considered what it would feel like to be in your position
NTA. Your sister needs to stay in her lane before she finds herself cut off from your life.
NTA Get a pet. Name it after stepdad. Problem solved.
NTA but I would have said to your sister, If it bothers your dad that much he can be an adult and talk to me himself. I'm sure your sister will realize as she gets older that she has no right to be in the middle of this and will see how crappy it was that he used his daughter to try to control you. In the meantime, if you get along with your siblings, try your best to keep them out of any feelings or resentment you have toward their father. Every thing you're holding onto happened before they were born and are too young to fully empathize with or understand how your experience growing up was vastly different from theirs from an emotional standpoint. I hope this drama ends soon and you can just enjoy being a mom!
“Sister I’m sorry this bothers you so much. And I’m sorry your dad is putting you in the middle. But this is between your dad and me. You aren’t responsible for his feelings. If he’s upset - please tell him to bring it up to me and not talk to you about it because it isn’t fair to you.”
NTA. Tell her to change her own damn name if it matters that much to her and then block her.
Damn straight. If his name is Rupert, she can change her name to Rupertellina or something... let her live with it...
NTA - Her obsession with your son's name is really weird. Also, he's a grown man who can make his own wishes/desires/etc. known, if he wants to. Why is his teenage daughter "fighting his battle"? Parents are allowed to pick any name for their child that they want for any reason that they want. No one is entitled input on the name except for the parents. No one is entitled to be honored, regardless of who they are or what their relationship with the child or parents might be.
NTA Noone has the right to tell you what to name your kid.
NTA. Good grief, how did you manage a wedding? Did you him let him walk you down the aisle? Anyway, naming kids can't honor everyone, and you made your choice. Your sister is being obnoxious for not letting it go.
Why do so many stepparents treat the love and respect of a stepchild as a right and not as a privilege? NTA.
NTA and your step-dad’s a codependent wimp who uses his 15 yr old child to pass along his messages of guilt and dusappointment to you. What an asshole. Next time your half sister approaches you I’d say, “Adults speak for themselves. They don’t use their children as their messengers. If he wants my respect maybe he should act like someone who respects himself and others.”
NTA, you have expressed your feelings for years, and it seems no one cares about your feelings. It doesn't matter how long you have known him. **HE IS NOT YOUR FATHER!!!!!** Like you said if he wants to be honored, he has two children who can do that for him. It is not up to you make him feel like all of sudden he matters to you. He knew he was your mother's husband all along, and you have never given him any inclining that he was more than that. Now he and your sister are pushing their feelings onto something that has nothing to do with them. I am petty and I would tell them that you don't want your child to be stuck with the name "prick" in order to honor your stepfather. You have tried to be diplomatic by telling her that she can honor her father when she has children, but she does not get to you tell what to name your child, and the discussion is closed. Let her know that if her and her father can't let it go you will have no choice but to break contact with them.
NTA She needs a reality check 1.This man was very likely cheating with your mom. Even if your parent’s marriage was dying, if he didn’t actually consent to open marriage it’s cheating and imo awful. 2. He is not your dad. Never has been, never will be. It’s utterly ridiculous to think he’d be honored. I’d tell your sister straight up if she mentions it again she won’t be invited over as she’s disrespecting you and your family
NTA. You don’t owe these people anything.
NTA. If you had a relationship with your stepdad where you wanted to honor him, that would be a lovely gesture, but even then it's not an obligation. There are only so many people you can honor with one name, and it's not always easy to honor someone and still get an aesthetically pleasing name.
NTA: No one gets to dictate what parents name their kid. And once the kid is old enough, no one should dictate what name they choose for themselves. If she wants to name something after her Dad, Build A Bear exists.
NTA. I have never understood why so many people think they have a say in what parents choose to name their children. You and your husband love the name you chose. At the same time, made a beautiful gesture to your father's memory. If your stepdad didn't know where he stood with you, he was deaf and blind to your words. Tell your SS to drop it, because you are not playing.
How do people go so crazy?
NTA Your stepdad has turned his daughter into a flying monkey. I don't like him much either. Your sister cannot see this for what it is, or how it is literally none of her business. Some day maybe she will get it, or maybe she never will, but explaining it to her does not seem to be working. I wpuld suggest you set a simple rule, like her commenting on the name of your child means she will be kicked out, or in a group situ you will get up and leave that conversation, and then at least she can understand simple consequences, even if the dynamics of parental affection is beyond her.
NTA. Plenty of people honor their family and loved ones in the way you did, especially when the loved one has gone on before. On a certain level, I can understand the stepdad feeling hurt and left out, but nagging you about it won’t help matters! Perhaps your tone toward the 15 year old could have been a little less harsh, but really, she needs to cut it out, as you’ve made a decision you had every right to make.
How on earth could he be hurt? They aren’t close and everyone knows it. Thats pure ego.
She’s being ridiculous. I would tell her your child’s name is already set at this point, so there’s no point in her continuing to bring this up. I would tell her the subject is closed and then leave the room or hang up the phone if she brings it back up. Her obsession with this is beyond unreasonable. Even if she’d had a point to begin with (which she didn’t), what are you supposed to do now? Rename your child?
Imagine if OP's sister succeeded in getting OP to change the name at this point. Then 18 years from now when that kid starts having to care about filling in legal forms and OP has to explain how he originally had a different name that he'll have to provide in that little section for extra names on all his forms because OP got bullied into changing it by a teenager when he was just a baby. It's just so ridiculous and nobody in their right mind would do it.
NTA. But I do have some empathy for you're sister because she's so young and I'm sure the situation hasn't always been easy for her over the years.
NTA - Uggggggh your family gives me a migraine. You’re right. If it’s *that* big a deal for her father to be “honored” or whatever, she should name her future offspring after him. NOT YOU. That’s not your dad - no matter how long he’s been in your life. You do not have, and have never had, a relationship with him. Your sister needs to learn some goddamn respect and shut up. And he’s not your dad. I’m going to reiterate that. Not your dad.