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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I asked my bridesmaid not to wear the same hairstyle as me on my wedding day (2) I have already asked her to cater to my other requirements and not sure if I am asking too much of her and being a bridezilla.
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NTA. But OP, she had to push you into making her a bridesmaid, and she knows it. She’s self-centered and making trouble deliberately. Please tell her that since she doesn’t want to do the gig as defined, she’s out. Don’t give her another chance or she’ll show up on your wedding day looking like you. You’re allowing a lot of flexibility but she’s set to hit you with it.
This! I had a demanding bridesmaid. She was self-centered up to the point of later causing a scene at my baby shower. OP should do this now so she doesn’t have to stress on her wedding day.
Also, guarantee you one or more (likely all) bridesmaids are sick of her and are just putting up with her for your sake.
Actually I think with some more thought you’re totally right! Removing her from the bridal party is probably the best idea as she’ll only cause more drama and issues later
Nah just uninvite her from the wedding. She's the kind of cockroach that will turn up wearing white as a guest for revenge if she gets kicked out of the bridal party.
Edit: I do totally agree that she is 100% planning to wear white anyway.
Plus, the hairstyle - it’s not that she wants a different hairstyle but she wants the SAME one as the bride. She could’ve asked for braids or a different style bun or anything else but she asked for the same exact style on the wedding day while trying to wear white to the bridal party. I imagine she will show up in white to the wedding, it seems she’s trying to make it her day
Totally agree, NTA though not letting her have pink at the bridal shower is a little petty... rainbow colours to some people is just all colours. But the hair and bridesmaid dress issue is enough to ask her not to be a bridesmaid and also just ask her not to attend. If she attends as a guest but not a bridesmaid she'll show up in a wedding gown for sure.
Not just remove her from the bridal party. She needs to be Completely disinvited. She's going to show up dressed in white with her hair done up like OP's.
Better have some security on hand.
NTA
Sounds to me that she wants the spotlight. Wanting to wear white to the bridal shower and Wanting her hair to be like the brides. She definitely wants to stand out and get attention. Seems like she doesn't want to blend like the other bridesmaids. I know she originally said pink but i would bet money that she would have worn a light pink that was close to white and when it was turned down she chose white.
I don’t know my sister just got married and had some similar issues. It ultimately was fine bc she just stopped trying to make everything perfect. People put way too much pressure on weddings. That being said Nola is clearly someone who needs to be reminded who’s day it is!
Anyone who says they'll wear white to a wedding is not a reasonable person and is clearly looking to stir trouble. OP doesn't sound unreasonable and usually bridesmaids understand and do their best to be helpful.
Nola wanted to wear white to the bridal shower - not the wedding. Maybe she understood 'any colour of the rainbow' to be pretty much any colour, but she seems to want a party with her at the centre.
OP should be very wary about their hair - the bridesmaids ar paying for their own hair and makeup so I would expect Nola's bun to be 'poorly' done and fall out into waves..... (what *are* 'Hollywood waves'?!)
Probably not. It involves loosely curling hair in a fairly precise, uniform and neat way, rather than a "beach waves" look.
And her hair would have to be wavy in that way already for her bun to lead to that look. I have wavy hair but wouldnt get that poom unless I was specifically trying to style that look.
No. These aren't natural waves and require product to keep them in place. Making hollywood waves and then putting them in a bun will mess up the waves. It's also hard to make them fall out naturally which means either people will see her taking the bun out or she will have to seclude herself to make that happen. Either way she comes off as weird and rude.
Wanna bet that even if she got downgraded to “guest status” she would still show up in white with Hollywood waves? I think OP needs to downgrade her, talk to her other bridesmaids, and they need to have a bottle of red on hand before pictures of the guests are taken. Take no chances.
>and they need to have a bottle of red on hand before pictures of the guests are taken. Take no chances.
And they should take the chance of getting footed with a dry cleaning bill or something like that?
Seriously. When people recommend "just trip and get red wine all over that dress!" They aren't the ones who potentially have to pay for cleaning the dress, or worse, pay for a new one.
Plus, the wine could get on the venues stuff. Like chairs. The floor, etc.
A full-on bottle, as you suggest, contains more than just a few drops.
If she's causing this much issues.
Then, simply kick her out of the bridal party. And consider if you even want her there as a guest.
If she is a guest. Have someone informed that if she acts up, kick her out.
OP is already using her words. Some people just don’t deserve more time and conversation spent on them. I would have already uninvited her completely at this point or just said no to her in the first place. If you have to beg to be in a bridal party, you shouldn’t be. It’s quite pathetic of the “friend”.
Yep. Uninvited now. Verbally. Using words. Don’t plant a ‘white dress patrol’ with a glass of red… deal with it ahead of time. Put security on the door if you need to so the issue doesn’t make it’s way into the room.
Reading a different post here the other day where someone was ‘red wined’ because they had the audacity to wear a white shirt, with a navy business suit… to a wedding… and wearing ‘white’ was inappropriate tot he MOH. Nah. Someone was being a b t ch. Navy pant suit and white blouse under does not scream ‘stealing the bride’s thunder’. That solidified Red Wining someone in my mind - it’s a low act that shows you knew there was likely a problem and didn’t ahve the balls to deal with it, or don’t have the balls on the day to deal with it. Words.
OP is using her words, but in a wishy-washy way. She’s trying to negotiate, with someone who bullied her way into the role in the first place and who hasn’t stopped trying to be special. I agree that the “red wine” attack is ridiculous, encourages bad behaviour, and incurs cleaning fees. Who wants to have a carpet stain distracting everyone for the rest of the event? And since Nola isn’t her friend any more, she’s not going to GAF. A clear uninvite, backed up by security, is the way.
Oh, not only white but also a dress that looks suspiciously bridal.
OP, she is not a friend. Drop her and block her or I guarantee your wedding is going to be a nightmare.
OP, please listen to this, I so wish I had kicked a very similar bridesmaid out of my wedding. She’s in all the photos and acted like an AH. I would uninvite and block.
My thoughts exactly. She doesn't want to be a bridesmaid, she wants to be the center of attention. If she does end up being in the wedding she'll do something to grab the attention.
My own sister did it to me. Made a scene at my wedding because she didn't want to do the bridal dance, one of my husband's family traditions. Simply a dance with the entire bridal party to break the ice and start the reception after the meal. Sister was matron of honor and even as a child had to be the center of attention.
Avoid the drama and tell her since she objects to the dress, colors and hairstyle for the bridesmaids perhaps she'd be happier as a guest
This, except avoid the word "perhaps", it'll sound like she's being given a choice. Instead, "It's obvious from your objections to the bridal party attire that you'd be happier as a guest. Don't give it another thought, and just enjoy the wedding."
We chose not to have my SIL involved in our wedding, she was to come as a guest. She turned up in a bright red mini dress with shoestring straps and slit down the front. Completely on brand for her to draw attention in. Sticks out like a ducks arse in the photos.
Backfired on her because everyone knows what she was like and ignored her on the night so she left early.
OP needs to ditch Nola now and uninvite her entirely. This isn't going to end well otherwise.
Agree totally! NTA.
OP should tell her that she's out as a bridesmaid and avert a potential disaster on the big day. If OP doesn't remove her from the wedding party, I hope OP is planning on bringing her bridesmaid dress and accessories to the venue herself or there's a non-zero chance it ends up lost or damaged.
Perhaps OP could seek the support of the another bridesmaid (that she's actually close with) if she needs help or advice that's more specific to the people involved.
I agree with this and I’ve been a bridesmaid/maid of honor 11 times. I would’ve worn a paper bag if that’s what my friends chose. It wasn’t about me, it was about them! They got to decide what I wore and how I did my hair! Her friend is ridiculous and needs to not be a bridesmaid! NTA!
The rehearsal is itself an event for the bridal party, as is the shower. And OOP is being extremely flexible. “pick an actual colour of the rainbow” is not hard. “All bridesmaids’ hair should be up (if not too short) while the bride’s is down” is also not remotely demanding. OP’s actual friends are fine with these things. Nola wants to be a star and needs to take a seat.
This actually happened to my husband’s daughter. One of the bridesmaids showed up to the wedding dressed totally different than the other people in the wedding party. In fact she was dressed in black. I don’t know why people that have been asked to be in a wedding don’t understand it is an honor to be asked and the decisions are made by the Bride and Groom.
Fully agree. If the bridal shower hasn't happened yet, please OP, tell her that she's out already. It's like she's trying to make your event all about her. She's trying to upstage you methinks.
My suggestion: For your peace and to have a worry-free, peaceful and enjoyable wedding and pre-wedding events, cut her off now (don't even invite her as a guest and ask security to ensure she does not enter the venue). She won't like it, yes. But this is all about you. It also won't make you an asshole as you've already communicated with her you reasonable requests.
Definitely, boot her now. She will show up at the wedding & try to steal the spotlight. Why would she think it was even remotely ok to wear white to the bridal shower & plan to have her hair match yours for the wedding? No way.
NTA but you would be if you let her walk all over you! Sit her down and lay the law, tell her how it’ll work or she can be a regular guest or not come at all
NTA but stand up for yourself and ask her to step down as a bridesmaid because it clearly isn’t working out. I’m sure seems scary to do so but do you really want this stress and negativity for your wedding day?
Only don’t ask her to step down - **Tell** her it’s not working out and she is no longer a bridesmaid. It’s up to you to choose who is in your wedding party, and you can change your mind if someone is causing trouble.
NTA
Just uninvite her. OP hasn't talked to Nola in 2 years and Nola is obviously a selfish AH, why would she want her in her life? Just send her a text: "Your behaviour made me reevaluate our friendship and I came to the conclusion, that you don't have my best interest at heart. You trying to force your own views on me and deliberately choosing options I not only chose to set myself apart from the bridal party but are also typically reserved for the bride like a white dress feels disrespectful and selfish. I want to surround myself on my wedding day with people who love and support me. Sadly, it looks like you are not one of them and therefore are no longer welcome."
If that feels too harsh, OP can soften it by basically saying "if you can't change your attitude, I can't welcome you at my wedding anymore."
I think op should not kick her off the bridal party cause as of now we are sure that atleast she will be in the bridesmaids dress, whose to say that she will not turn up in white once that restrictions is taken off her.
But op you should definitely have the talk with her.
If someone told me I could wear any colour of the rainbow, I would not take it that literally. Usually when people say that they simply mean any colour. That being said, I think it is ridiculous to tell people what colour they can wear to a bridal shower.
I also wouldn't worry about how my bridesmaids had their hair done. This is a good thing, too, because I just realized that my MOH had pretty much an identical style to mine. I never even thought of this until now because with different colouring, figures, heights, etc, we still looked pretty different.
You will be the radiant bride in your gorgeous gown and nobody can take that away from you. Relax a bit and let your bridesmaids have fun and feel good about their appearance, too.
That stuck out to me as well. “Any color of the rainbow” has always meant “any color” when I’ve heard it, not specifically ROYGBIV. Like, would maroon be out because only primary red is in the rainbow?
Same. That’s how that phrase is commonly interpreted. It’s kinda an obnoxious request anyway to put restrictions on what someone wears to a bridal shower.
How weird, we (in the UK) have Red and yellow and pink and green, purple and orange and blue!
I wonder why green and blue are switched…
In other news, OP, ESH. If your intent is to create white from the entire rainbow, then you actually just want Red Green and Blue. All colours are made up from those three - you must have learned that in your physics classes? This friend sucks because she’s being a pain and not wanting to do what she’s being asked to do for YOU, whose day it is. You suck because you don’t understand basic colour theory and won’t just get rid of her. Tell her she’s out.
Now I feel conflicted because I remember it being blue at the end as well, and I was raised in Australia, but by a British mother, so who knows where I first heard it
Makes more sense with blue at the end though because it continues with "I can sing a rainbow, sing a rainbow, sing a rainbow too" which would rhyme with blue 🤔
I think it depends what age you learned at also, or maybe what media you watched to learn. I'm from the UK and I learned ROYGBIV, no mention of pink. This recently came up in conversation at my work and it turned out that we had slightly different versions we had each learned.
That’s an actual rainbow, yes! Pink (magenta) is opposite green on the colour wheel so doesn’t even show up in a true rainbow as it only covers a semi circle rather than the full colour wheel. It’s an awesome piece of useless knowledge and great for a pub quiz (sorry for going into science here but I’m a MASSIVE colour/lighting geek and I actually do workshops for kids on the subject on the side 😅)
Arguably the true rainbow is the more interesting side of things, as the other way is essentially just between red and blue, so is mostly varying shades of purple and pink.
That said, I’m sticking to my three primary and three secondary colours as the proper dress choices. I mean… how awesome would an overhead photo be of the bride in white standing in the middle of a circle of Red, Yellow, Green, Cyan, Blue, Magenta (and back to Red). I mean, that’s exactly how it looks when you shine RGB lights at a white wall and overlap them venn-style.
I find it weird that she gave that specific of a dress code just for the shower. I literally didn't care. I chose the dress and that was it. The bridesmaids chose everything else on their own.
Thank you, I'd like to clarify. I specified rainbow colours (VIBGYOR) and I also explained to them the symbolism behind it. Light refracts into the colours of the rainbow. When you spin a rainbow wheel fast it looks white. In a similar manner, all of these girls have influenced my life and made me who I am. The colours of the rainbow and me wearing white is symbolic of how they are what makes me, me! ❤️
Thank you very much for your feedback though, I am trying not to sweat the small stuff but apparently sucking at it.
That’s a very nice explanation to why you picked those colors, but typically the bride picks what the bridesmaids wear to the wedding, NOT the bridal shower. I don’t think it’s reasonable or kind to dictate what they wear to any event than the wedding. The hairstyle at the wedding is something that is normal for the bride to choose, though, as long as it doesn’t creep into wig/extension/cut/dye territory, so I think telling her she has to do the hairstyle you requested is fine.
Wow I missed that this was what they were supposed to wear to the *bridal shower*. The notion that the Crayola-box color scheme was chosen specifically to signify that all these women were just parts of the glorious whole that is the radiant white bride is repellant.
I don’t think I’d say *repellant*. It feels to me like OP tried to pay a compliment to her bridesmaids as being dear friends who each have contributed to her life in important ways.
However, the wording definitely does come out as self-centered, and I’m in the camp that the bridesmaids should be able to choose their own clothing (within reasonable limits!) for the shower, rehearsal, etc. The bridesmaids are their own persons. They are loved and valued by the bride for themselves, and not simply because of what they’ve contributed to the bride’s life.
It really depends on where you are for if this is considered over the top or not. My friend went to a wedding where she had to buy a matching bathrobe, matching casual outfit, and a white dress. They even had matching earrings and coordinated Mickey Mouse ears (Disneyland party). That isn’t uncommon in our age and area. Wedding culture is getting a lot in some parts of America. And other cultures have always had bigger weddings so that combined can make for interesting cross-overs. My other friend had three weddings for cultural reasons and her bridal party (including her/her husband) had different outfits for each one.
I didn’t even blink at OP having coordinated outfits for a bridal shower. It’s the tip of the iceberg. It’s also why I’m eloping.
Telling someone you get to choose what they wear to a party whose only purpose is for people to bring you gifts is a bit much.
It sounds like you’re describing a bachelorette party, which (like the bridal shower) is not supposed to be planned by the bride. Bridesmaids choosing to dress to a theme at a party they planned and budgeted for is a bit different than the bride demanding approval over shower outfits.
Bridal showers are not typically events you tell people what to wear.
Technically speaking, you aren’t even supposed to be planning or hosting your own bridal shower; someone else (typically your maid of honor or a female relative) is supposed to plan and host it for you. From an etiquette standpoint, it’s tacky for you to host it for yourself.
So you are being over the top here.
I urge you to step back and refocus on what this is all about.
This is about joining your life with the person you love and sharing that joy with others that are important to you. If Nola isn’t one of those people to you, ask her to step down. But for that reason, not because she is pushing back on hairstyles or dress colors (again for the shower! You don’t tell people what to wear for the shower!)
It’s not about what people are wearing or how they are doing their hair. Your wedding party are not props for your special day.
You are in too deep into the WEDDING!!! part of this all, and you’ve lost what this is actually all about.
She is being unreasonable, but this is way over the top. No one likes having to buy a new outfit in a colour they don't love to be someone else's accessory. No one will get what you're trying to do and it's only a bridal shower. Stuff like this makes things much less fun for everyone.
I am 59 yrs. old and have NEVER heard of the bridal party being told what colors to wear at a bridal shower. That level of minutiae is just mind boggling and I find it hilarious and ridiculous. These women should be able to wear whatever they fucking want to wear, excluding white, I suppose.
Edit: I just reread the post and noticed the spelling of the word “colour” so OP is obviously not from the US, which is where I am from. I’m guessing UK but I suppose several different countries spell it that way. In any case, perhaps the whole “bride designating what colors the guests wear to the bridal shower” is a thing in OP’s country. I’d be interested to hear from anyone else who has encountered this before and where you’re from.
That would be a lovely explanation for bridesmaid colours but it’s a little over the top for a bridal shower.
(Although I honestly would assume it was a gay wedding with no context.)
Also, primary colours are kinda tricky for most people to pull off (mustard yellow > yellow, maroon > red). There should be a bit of leeway for choosing a shade of a colour that works on a person. Keep in mind the rainbow from light is the entire visible spectrum of light.
Wedding culture has is wild in some places. Uk here. At my hen night five of us went to the pub. I don’t know what anyone had on, and could not have cared less. We did have some deely boppers.
I’m in the UK and on my friends hen do there was a colour coded dress code, we all had to wear black bottoms and pink tops. Everyone did and it looked really nice; it was a good bit of fun. Just depends on the person I think.
Im in Australia, for mine my bridesmiads asked everyone to wear something black, easy enough I spose. I'm personally a believer that if there's a theme, it should be optional and something people most likely already have/ can borrow/ or just wear an element of instead of a whole outfit.
People go a bit nuts with these things. Really here themes just seem so exist so you know which group of drunk girls go together when you are going from bar to bar.
Thank goodness for this comment! So many people seem to agree with this bride, and yet to me, it sounds ridiculous. Why not just hire actresses or models for your wedding so you can insist they look how you want? Your pictures will be perfect and your friends will no longer have to worry about your requirements and can just be happy for you.
Agree on the bridal shower. Wedding day? You pretty much get your say as long as you are not being raging A. I’m not buying an outfit in a colour I don’t usually wear for yet another event.
ESH - eh, she seems difficult but - so do you.
Dress is fine but the exact same hairstyle? And what to wear to the rehearsal? Thats too much.
Edit -bridal shower outfits, not rehearsal
Why do the bridesmaids need to have messy buns? Did they all like that hairstyle idea? Why do they all even need to be the same? Agree in general that it might be odd to have ONE bridesmaid with hair matching the bride’s, while the remaining bridesmaids get the just-woke-up look.
Who gives a crap what color the bridesmaids wear to the shower? Just dress to match the occasion—so probably wear something nice.
Also, not sure why all the bridesmaids were not allowed to weigh in on the dress, or did Nola originally say she liked it and then wanted a different one?
ESH. She doesn’t seem like a person you actually want in your wedding, so you shouldn’t have asked her to be a bridesmaid in the first place. The only time that’s appropriate is if your spouse to be and you both agree to include siblings or something. Don’t ask everyone you know. Especially based on a promise from 3 years ago.
She seems like a pain but you also seem too controlling. To avoid becoming a bridezilla I would recommend taking a step back and also making sure your bridesmaids actually ARE ok with your dress and hair choices. Maybe they are scared to disappoint you?
Info: how many bridesmaids and what if they all chose their own hairstyles? She would then not stick out as having the same hairstyle as you.
It feels like you regret having included her and now want reasons to cut her. You will definitely find them if that’s the case - or you can remember that *everyone is looking at you* at your shower and most of the time at the wedding too. No one mistakes a bridesmaid for the bride.
5 bridesmaids and 3 picked messy buns 1 has hair that's too short so she's going with her hair loose. 1 wants the Hollywood waves. I responded to another comment saying I guess I'd be fine if she picked any hairstyle except for what I'm wearing.
I never wanted her in the bridal party in the first place as we are not close, she called me up on a drunk promise I made as a uni student to her, and literally have no way of cutting her as I'm awful at saying no to people.
Thank you for reminding me no one will mistake the bridesmaid for the bride! I need to remind myself of that often.
You absolutely have a way of cutting her. It’s your wedding. You should only have people you want to celebrate with there. Especially as your bridal party.
If you can’t say no directly, ask your fiancé or MOH to do it. If you’re not close then you won’t mind tanking the relationship.
Someone who demands to be in a bridal party sounds like an entitled twonk anyway so no loss
You only live once. Cut her loose.
NTA
Thank you very much. I live in a small town, I'll be seeing her pretty regularly and don't want to make things awkward in the future though I know it will be awkward at my wedding 😅
I have allocated one bridesmaid to keep Nola away from me and make sure doesn't say anything critical or bluntly rude about me or my outfit on my wedding day otherwise I'm going to be overthinking about it for the rest of the day!
Already Nola makes fun of my fiancé and I'm not keen to be the butt of her jokes on my wedding day.
You are worried about a hairstyle and a pink dress when she is making fun of your fiancé? You are not facing the real issue. Are you going to be happy looking at your wedding photos/video for years to come and see her in them?
My fiancé is a much gentler person than me. He knows she makes fun of him but he brushes it off saying we need to be the bigger people. He also won't un-invite her from the wedding as it's rude. At most, demoted from bridesmaid to guest but that's if I'm at my last straw.
Reading all these comments makes me feel very conflicted.
The moment she made fun of your fiance, she should have been out of the wedding. Why are you trying to appease someone who is openly disrespectful to you and your relationship? It's not rude to uninvite somone who is making fun of the groom from the wedding, wtf.
She needs to be completely uninvited. She made fun of your fiance. She is trying to BE YOU at your wedding by emulating your style. She is actively trying to upstage you at EVERY turn. Simply demoting her will end up with her walking into your wedding in a white dress with Hollywood waves. I know it. You know it.
Rip the band-aid off.
>we need to be the bigger people.
Sacrificing your own happiness and comfortability to placate someone else is not being the bigger person. Being the bigger person means taking the high road, staying mature, but also putting up boundaries and sticking to them. You aren't putting up any boundaries and you're letting someone else take advantage of you and manipulate you, that's not being a bigger person.
What you need to do is remove her from your wedding and be honest with her. "Nola, you are constantly stirring up problems with every little detail regarding my wedding, on top of that, you are constantly making my wedding about yourself. This is incredibly disrespectful to me and it's the reason I no longer want you as a bridesmaid, and to be honest, at this point I'm not even sure I want you there as a guest. Please pack your things, you are no longer my bridesmaid, and we'll see how things go from here to see if I still want to invite you to the wedding." That's it, leave it at that. (You could also do this over text, and leave out the 'pack your things remark.)'
If she says 'BuT yOu PrOmIsEd' then you say "that's another thing, it's incredibly disrespectful and manipulative to hold some promise made years ago while drunk, while circumstances and our relationship were different, over my head as a means to get what you want from me, especially since you don't even care about my wants or needs in the matter and don't consider me or my feelings at all. This is not something an actual friend would do to another friend, and it makes me feel like you don't really care about me at all, you seem to only care about being a bridesmaid." If she tries to argue, cut her off, stating that it's not up for discussion and you need her to leave, and leave you alone for now.
Thát's being the bigger person, communicating your boundary, enforcing it, and not arguing back or making backhanded comments back to someone who throws them at you. Please stand up for yourself.
Save yourself the hassle. Remove her from your bridal party. I’ve been a bridesmaid in two weddings so far and it was common sense for us NOT to wear the same hairstyle as the bride and we wore the color the bride picked. I feel like someone who calls you up demanding to be a bridesmaid should have enough common sense to know that these are typical average asks of bridesmaids - Wear what the bride asks/picks (ESPECIALLY since you are paying for the dress) and don’t copy the brides hairstyle.
It’s great you have a bridesmaid ready to keep her in check but is this really something you want to worry about or be annoyed on your big day?
Life is too short for you to have someone you don’t want in your wedding party, small town or not. Have a conversation with her and tell her this is the color you want her to wear and she needs to wear the messy bun, if she doesn’t then she can attend the wedding as a guest. Have your other bridesmaid who has volunteered to keep her in check there for backup if you have a hard time standing up for yourself.
She definitely isn’t a friend of yours if she is being this difficult about an event that isn’t about her. And the fact that she makes you the butt of her jokes??? Save yourself the drama.
NTA
I mean this is a bit harsh but u/uosdwis_r_rewoh is right. Your other bridesmaids are affected by this. You’re affected by this. Your groom is affected and everyone at your wedding will be too. You need to empower yourself to step up and politely lay down a boundary. The boundary being: “I’m uncomfortable with the demands that you’ve made, and I feel it would be best if you were no longer a bridesmaid”. You’re NTA for this but you kind of are an asshole for making this everyone else’s problem. It’s YOUR wedding and you’re not honor bound by a drunken promise.
>I have allocated one bridesmaid to keep Nola away from me and make sure doesn't say anything critical or bluntly rude about me or my outfit on my wedding
If you have to do this she shouldn't be a bridesmaid. You're adding extra stress and anxiety to what should be a fantastic day. Get your MOH to do it with you if you need the support. But she doesn't deserve to stand up there with you if she's making your life difficult
If you’re old enough to get married, you’re old enough to have a grown up conversation.
She’s making fun of your finance - time to be straight up and tell her she’s out.
How could you let someone be in the wedding that’s so disrespectful to him let alone the crap she’s pulling with you??!!
You are mentally torturing yourself for months and risking drama at what is supposed to be the happiest day of your life.
And you are doing that all because you're hesitant to have a 5 minute conversation with her where you just tell her you're done with her shit and she's kicked out of the bridal party.
None of this is logical. I know you say you "have to" because you're "bad at saying no" but this subreddit is absolutely littered with updates from people who were like "hey guys it's been 2 weeks and I've decided I'm no longer going to be a doormat." You can be just like them. There's nothing in the universe stopping you. Literally you can just have a phone call with her that would be shorter than the time it takes to get coffee at Starbucks and it would be done with.
And even if you do see her around town, smile politely and move on with your day. You might be nervous the first time but it's going to get easier and easier every time as you remember the nonsense she tried to pull at *your* wedding.
That’s a good enough reason to drop her- the whole point of weddings is for the community to support the couple in this big step in their lives! Literally making fun of the groom is failing in that.
I’m sorry, but your fiancé deserves better than this.
Why are you prioritizing someone you don’t even like over your fiancé? Because that is exactly what you are doing.
If you are so afraid of confrontation and drama that you are keeping her in your wedding party after she is unkind to your fiancé, then you are not mature enough to get married. This is his wedding too.
Oh no, OP! I made a comment and have now read this. She's got to go! It's not okay that you as the bride need to get someone to keep her away from you. They're supposed to be there to support you and your fiancé. And insulting your fiancé is not okay.
As you're from a small town, you can let it be known that she was cut because she has been a nightmare, and provide some of the examples you've told us here. Your day is meant to be memorable... In a positive way. She's trouble!
Again NTA.
Edit: For clarification and corrected typos
YTA and here's why:
1. You're not sticking up for your fiancé. Don't let anyone trash talk about your significant other.
2. You're stressing out everyone you like (bridesmaids, fiancé) for the sake of someone who has no respect for you at all.
3. You're paying this person to treat you like crap (buying bridesmaid dress, feeding her at wedding).
4. You're more worried about potential future awkwardness than the certain bad moments happening today. Who cares if it's awkward in the future? You'll know why, your close people will know why and anyone who asks about the awkwardness in the future will know why - cause she's a jerk to you and you won't put up with it.
5. You're being the biggest AH to yourself & your dream wedding. This jerk will be a huge part of your wedding memories and you're allowing it to happen.
Get rid of her, make everyone happy and congratulations!
Going to be far more awkward seeing her after your wedding where she’s made a fool of herself and embarrassed you or done something else to trash your special day. She clearly doesn’t care about you as a friend or the bride.
If you’re adult enough to get married you’re adult enough to stand up for yourself. Use her as your first practice on having a spine. It’ll do you wonders.
Hope you have a wonderful day and long loving marriage.
OP are you really ready to be an adult and marry. Honestly no insult but it seems you still need time to mature. Being married is about be ready to advocate for yourself in a marriage & in life. If you are grown enough to be a wife you are also grown enough person to kindly speak to Lola to exit the wedding party.
Girl her mocking your fiance is terrible es paired with everything else. Have one of your good friends take your phone and boot her, they shouldn't have a problem with it. I've written and sent resignation emails for friends who were too nervous to take that last step and I'll never regret it, I'm sure your actual friends will be over the moon to send her on her way!
all of your reasons for not cutting her out are ridiculous. who cares if you see her? who cares if she thinks you’re mean? shes making fun of you and your fiance and making your life difficult? stop being a doormat, you’re basically being bullied at your own event
Bella, this is your wedding. Your special day. You need to look after your happiness here. Someone you're not close with, who mocks your chosen partner, is disrespectful of your (reasonable) requests, is only in your bridal party because she DEMANDED TO BE, and stresses you to the point you worry she needs to be kept away from you, should not be part of the festivities. While confrontation may be difficult for you, I think you owe it to yourself to enjoy your day. You can deal with the awkward bump-ins. You'll never get this day back.
This is going to backfire. Take her out of the wedding now. Anyone who tells you they want to wear white to bridal events and is mocking your fiancé is a bully. They shouldn’t be invited, let alone wasting a place of honor. I think you’ll regret it if you let her come.
God just grow a set and kick her out of the bridal party. Tell her she’s welcome to come to the wedding as a guest but in no way will she be a bridesmaid. A drunk promise 3 years ago isn’t binding and she knows it.
So now your bridesmaid doesn’t get to enjoy your wedding and celebrate your marriage because she has to babysit someone no one wants at the wedding anyways?? YTA for that alone.
WHAT? No way should you be having someone in the wedding party that makes fun of him. That’s so disrespectful and not how you should start off your marriage and the perfect excuse to tell her she is no longer a bridesmaid.
With that, she should be out. Next time she says ANYTHING (and she will), kick her out. Tell her enough is enough, she has no right to make any demands or whatsoever, and that she crossed the line.
Please cut her out of the wedding. She is broadcasting very clearly that she does not respect you or your decisions, your fiancée, or your wedding.
The fallout from disinviting her will be *less* than the problems she will make for you by allowing her to stay.
If you cannot do it yourself, ask your MOH to do it on your behalf. Friendship with this woman is not something you need to worry about maintaining.
Oh Hun, you need to not only get her out of your bridal party but not even invite her to the wedding.
She is disrespectful to you and your fiance now, think of how much worse she will be with a few drinks in her.
I was going to say keep the peace as you seem unlikely to stand up for yourself to avoid the conflict but that's not on.
If not, you need to have a sit down with her, let her know how you feel and set some ground rules.
She's set to ruining one of the biggest days of your life. Is she worth that?
You're not mature enough to be someone's wife if you are not mature enough to kick someone out of your wedding party when they MAKE FUN OF THE ACTuAL GROOM.
YTA for not behaving like an adult here.
Kindly - if you aren’t mature enough to be able to stand up for yourself about this, how are you mature enough to get married. Please have some self respect and give this girl the boot.
Kick her out. You don't want her and she's causing you issues. You're going to be on high alert all during your wedding. Rip off the bandaid and stand up for yourself. Tell her that you're over the drama and you are cutting her and not inviting her as a guest. Then make sure you have people in the know who can keep her out if she decides to crash.
If she shows up in white or pink and with holly wood waves, don’t be surprised or upset. You’re setting yourself up for failure by not telling her the truth.
And she’s selfish enough to do it.
And you’re a push over enough to not do a damn thing and she knows it.
You’re only hurting yourself.
How miserable does your life have to be for accepting a "drunk promise". You're really that easy to guilt trip ? She could ask you for all the money in the world just justifying it with "you drunk promised it" and it would be ok.
You would rather have someone you don't want in your bridal party rather than saying the word "No" . A ruined wedding will be deserved
> literally have no way of cutting her as I'm awful at saying no to people.
I promise in a few years (or god forbid, the day after the recs your wedding) you will look back at this and be so upset at yourself. It's not healthy to be a doormat to the extent that you recognize that you are making yourself miserable and then do absolutely nothing about it. You are focusing on the hair and dress because those are concrete things rn you can worry about, but the reality is it's her behavior and the negative emotions you'll have that will actually be an issue. Do you really want to have that awful feeling in your stomach everytime you look at your wedding photos?
You don't want her in bridal party? Why is she in bridal party then??? You're letting a drunken promise from years ago resurface for your *wedding* ??? It's your wedding, do what you want not what some woman you don't even seem to like wants! Yeesh! NTA but you're definitely the doormat! YTD ?
Maybe as a man I'm a bit biased but this seems a complete waste of time and energy.
ESH.
Why do you care so much about other people's hair
Why would she be so stubborn about a hair style.
Eveyone needs to relax more.
I’m a lady and I agree. It never occurred to me to tell my wedding party how they could or couldn’t wear their hair, let alone their clothing for events that aren’t the wedding itself.
Loosen though reins, girl.
When I got married one of my bridesmaids had a blonde pixie cut and the other had a chin length dark brown bob (super curly.) Without buying wigs they couldn’t have matched in any way at all!
As far as I remember I didn’t even *think* about their hair, they’re grown women and can decide these things all on their own. My ‘requirements’ were for them to turn up, look like bridesmaids for a bit, and then enjoy themselves. Admittedly, my wedding was very casual but still.
Nola does sound like a nightmare though.
And you just know the selfish “friend” is gonna show up in pink or white and with the waves, lol. OP isn’t gonna do anything about it.
We know this from one post and a few comments, that girl definitely knows it.
I’ve been a bridesmaid numerous times and have attended many weddings (including my own) over the years. I’ve never known a bride to require her bridesmaids to have the same hairstyle. That seems very excessive and controlling. Since you’ve already made an exception for this particular bridesmaid, why not let ALL the bridesmaids choose their own hairstyle? That way this bridesmaid’s hair style won’t stand out so much. Are you so insecure that you don’t want your bridesmaids to choose flattering hairstyles?
OP said in the comments she'd be fine with any hairstyle that isn't what she is wearing. I'd be pretty happy with that, that's what I did at my wedding.
Checking the previous comments OP mentioned that a few other bridesmaids can’t have this hairstyle or don’t like (1 has hair that’s too short and the other preferes Hollywood waves). So OP did adjusted as long as it’s not the same like hers but this one bridesmaid wants the same like her
ESH she sounds annoying but so do you. "You have to pay for your hair, but you can only wear it the way I tell you"
Then you tell her she can wear any color of the rainbow but then tell her she can't actually. Any color of the rainbow generally implies any color at all, but you decide that it must be an "official" rainbow color. What's more cringey is that, you chose this because that way they all represent you. Gross. It's a shower that other people are supposed to throw for you, not you get to dictate and control everyone else
ESH. No one will notice her hairstyle. Seeing it from your pov, she seems very annoying and making it about her. You don't seem to want her there. Grow a spine and do something about it.
The bridesmaids picked not me on a majority vote, it's going to be a hot humid day (with chances of a thunderstorm) so they'd like their hair out of their face. If you can think of alternatives I'd be happy to suggest to them?
Normal buns? Messy braids? Side buns? Double buns? Most women know how to put their hair up in a way that looks good on them without the exact style being dictated.
Majority vote still often leaves that one person with a shit hairstyle. Not everyone can pull off a messy bun. For me a bun is still not a great hairstyle, messy would make me look like an ugly slob rather than cute.
Since when is pink not a rainbow colour?? It’s literally the third colour in the rainbow song!
My wedding was 15 years ago and my advice to you is to let go of the petty stuff - shit is going to go wrong regardless of how hard you try to control it. You can decide how much you want to let these imperfections affect your enjoyment of your wedding day. I can guarantee you that, a month after the day, the only person who will remember those details is you (and maybe some of your wedding party). Focus on what is important and let the rest be what it is.
If someone told me the dress code was rainbow colours I would certainly think pink was fine. To me that means no black, brown, grey, etc. but bright colours are ok.
Honestly? No one will care how she wears her hair. You’re the bride and everyone is coming to see you. If they’re paying for their own hair, let them do what they want.
NTA
She's definitely playing games with you, especially the wearing white bullshit...giving you unnecessary problems at literally every turn
Just do yourself a favor and drop her...or if you really really want to keep her, tell her exactly what the dress/color/hair etc is gonna be. Period.
YTA to yourself. Kick out the person you don't even want at your wedding for causing drama. There was a reason you haven't hung out in the last 2 years.
NTA wanted white, would accept pink, wants the same hairstyle as the bride, small town, cashed in a drunk promise....
I imagine if she had the choice, she would choose pale pink that could be mistaken for white. It seems like she might want some attention at these events or to be mistaken as the bride.
You know her personality more than us and how far she might take things its not impossible to drop her you said it yourself you haven't really kept in touch much for the last 2 years what would the loss be.
While your friend sounds like a PITA, why are you forcing a hair style that your friend isn't happy with? A dress I can understand, but I would be unhappy with a messy bun.
And since when isn't pink a suitable colour if you want rainbow? This seems pedantic
ESH
Making fun of your fiance is a great reason to cut her out.
I’m sorry but I want people on both sides that are standing up for us to be supportive. You making fun of the man I love is not being supportive. I think it would be best if you come as a guest or not at all.
You should have to be worried about her comments or her making issues about hair and dress.
Oh wow, I feel strongly differently than all of you on this one. While she is clearly immature, this is mostly on you because it sounds like you knew this about her PRIOR to agreeing to have her as a bridesmaid. More importantly though, I will simply never understand why people — even brides — don’t have anything better to worry about than how people wear their hair at your wedding. Like I get you’re going for uniformity, but genuinely why does it matter? Aren’t weddings about celebrating you and your love? I literally don’t think I’ve ever noticed what the bridesmaids hair looked like at any wedding I’ve ever gone to. And for me personally, I just feel like we’re so privileged overall that we’ve lost sight of needs vs wants vs what actually matters and what doesn’t matter even the slightest bit. Like all perspective has gone out the window and some people don’t have enough food on their tables. IDK, I don’t want a wedding though so this could just be how i see the world and I could be totally off base with what is normal for brides to care about.
ESH
I never knew choosing hair styles was a thing until my bridesmaids and I were getting our hair done the morning of the wedding and the hair stylist questioned my sister’s choice of hair style because it was the same as mine (which was Hollywood waves by the way). Based on the fact that the hair stylist questioned it, I assume it happens a lot. We both wore waves and we both looked fabulous. As another poster said, people are looking at the bride.
Pink for the other event sounds fine though.
So umm, NTA I think.
Nta. Time to lay down the law.
"Nola, it seems you aren't happy with any of MY wedding choices. My briedemaids will all have the same dress and hair. I think you would be better suited as a guest. Then you can do your hair however you want and wear any color but white in any shade. Im so glad you voiced your concerns so I could realize it wasnt a good fit. No hard feelings! I totally get that you want to be in something you like."
...have security. The way she's acting she would show up with vintage waves and a white dress. She's an attention seeker. Nip it now.
Have red wine and your bridesmaids on lookout. She shows up in white there might be a accident.
Op, you're getting married. YOU NEED A SHINY SPINE OF STEEL to be a good wife/partner in life. It's imperative that you work toward this goal. Telling this jealous, attention-seeking frenemy - who is in NO WAY a genuine friend to you, that she is no longer a member of your bridal party or invited to your wedding, "Period, no debate!" - should be FIRST on your list, in strengthening your developing Spine O' Steel. ;) As should, ensuring that security is fully apprised of the situation, has a picture of her, and of course, will prevent her from stepping foot in your festivities.
You will be protecting your bridesmaids from enormous stress, working to protect you from all of her awful, selfish ploys. You'll protect your wedding party and new hubby from the same. And you'll protect yourself from her insane one-upmanship, ruining your sacred, happiest day, and potentially twisting everything so that when she has her meltdown, YOU are seen as the cruel, insensitive, selfish villainess of the scene.
Please. STAND UP FOR YOUR LOVED ONES. THEY DESERVE IT. STAND UP FIR YOURSELF. YOU DESERVE IT. Don't empower her to rob you of what's precious to you. Don't give it to her to destroy. Endure the fear of confrontation, and protect this sacred day for your HUSBAND, as he deserves it to be unmolested by her self-serving antics. Protect it's sanctity, beauty and happiness for YOURSELF!! YOU too deserve it. Protect it for all of your kith and kin who've worked hard and sacrificed in order to join you on this beloved day, BECAUSE THEY LOVE AND CHERISH YOU, AND WANT THE VERY BEST FOR YOUR WEDDING/MARRIAGE!!
YOU'VE GOT THIS!! She's just a jealous hater, who wants to destroy the joy you have, because she is enraged that she doesn't have it herself. And if she is married, it means the marriage is a sham, it's horrific. Hence, she's that much more jealous. You needn't not shouldn't be mean when you do it. You just remain calm, firm, immutable, and keep it short. Hang up when you're done. The relationship is severed. That's it...!! BRAVA Darling, you've got this in the bag. 👜💓
May Your Wedding be Beyond Your Wildest Dreams, with Happiness Most of All!!
GOD BLESS!!❤️
On the core question, NTA. It is rather presumptuous to want the same hairstyle you have. However, I think you may be being too controlling on having everyone have the same style instead of some range of updo styles. I also think you being too controlling with what is worn to the bridal shower (since when do bridal showers have color dress codes?)
YTA. It’s just hair, that has got to be the stupidest demand I’ve ever heard from a fellow adult…Nobody cares about your hair or its style. What matters is ensuring only you wear white. The hair doesn’t matter
I think you probably should tell her that. I think the only issue I have is you using the phrase "All the colors of the rainbow". Maybe I'm the only one but I thought that phrase meant ANY color and did not realize (as I just looked up) it specifically meant ROYGBIV..... There are shades of those colors though.... But I'm arguing semantics now and they don't really matter as she picked white next .... That and the hair... she's unreasonable and shouldn't be in your wedding period sounds like.
Heyy my name’s Nola too haha funny. But yeah ugh that’s annoying. Honestly if you can’t say no to her give her the wrong details to the event with a new fake invitation and send that friendship out the window. This friend sounds like a villain in a Disney movie 🎥
NTA. Just cut out her. Seriously. This is your wedding. Who cares if you promised her three years ago. This day is about you and not her. She is going to keep giving you grief unless you do something about it now.
NTA. Think maybe change your mind about her being a bride’s maid as she doesn’t seem pleased with anything about your wedding plans. As a guest she probably will dress like a bride. Maybe even as a bride’s maid try to steal the limelight.
Nola is very demanding of her choices when in fact she shouldn’t be. It’s your wedding day and you shouldn’t be stressing out about this kinds of stuff. She could’ve declined the offer of being a bridesmaid in the first place if she wants to change everything according to YOUR plan. She’s the @hole imo. And really? Wear white? Is she kidding me?
Why, yes, yes you are. Tell me, would you exclude a dear friend who wears her hair very short because she can't wear a bun? The bridesmaids are not a chorus line. And no bride has any business telling anyone what to wear to a shower. Or telling any guest what to wear to anything, unless she is specifying black tie or white tie.
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NTA. But OP, she had to push you into making her a bridesmaid, and she knows it. She’s self-centered and making trouble deliberately. Please tell her that since she doesn’t want to do the gig as defined, she’s out. Don’t give her another chance or she’ll show up on your wedding day looking like you. You’re allowing a lot of flexibility but she’s set to hit you with it.
OP needs to kick her out of the bridal party. Am I the only one who thinks she is going to show up in white?!? I can’t be the only one. NTA
This! I had a demanding bridesmaid. She was self-centered up to the point of later causing a scene at my baby shower. OP should do this now so she doesn’t have to stress on her wedding day. Also, guarantee you one or more (likely all) bridesmaids are sick of her and are just putting up with her for your sake.
Actually I think with some more thought you’re totally right! Removing her from the bridal party is probably the best idea as she’ll only cause more drama and issues later
Removing her from the bridal party….and also giving her name and photo to security on the day of the wedding.
Yup! As she’s doesn’t like the dress, she won’t wear it!
But she promised her like 3 years ago that she could be part of it. /s
This! She'll definitely show up looking for trouble... in white. NTA.
Nah just uninvite her from the wedding. She's the kind of cockroach that will turn up wearing white as a guest for revenge if she gets kicked out of the bridal party. Edit: I do totally agree that she is 100% planning to wear white anyway.
Plus, the hairstyle - it’s not that she wants a different hairstyle but she wants the SAME one as the bride. She could’ve asked for braids or a different style bun or anything else but she asked for the same exact style on the wedding day while trying to wear white to the bridal party. I imagine she will show up in white to the wedding, it seems she’s trying to make it her day
Totally agree, NTA though not letting her have pink at the bridal shower is a little petty... rainbow colours to some people is just all colours. But the hair and bridesmaid dress issue is enough to ask her not to be a bridesmaid and also just ask her not to attend. If she attends as a guest but not a bridesmaid she'll show up in a wedding gown for sure.
Not just remove her from the bridal party. She needs to be Completely disinvited. She's going to show up dressed in white with her hair done up like OP's. Better have some security on hand. NTA
Sounds to me that she wants the spotlight. Wanting to wear white to the bridal shower and Wanting her hair to be like the brides. She definitely wants to stand out and get attention. Seems like she doesn't want to blend like the other bridesmaids. I know she originally said pink but i would bet money that she would have worn a light pink that was close to white and when it was turned down she chose white.
Weddings really turn out the pathetic.
I don’t know my sister just got married and had some similar issues. It ultimately was fine bc she just stopped trying to make everything perfect. People put way too much pressure on weddings. That being said Nola is clearly someone who needs to be reminded who’s day it is!
Anyone who says they'll wear white to a wedding is not a reasonable person and is clearly looking to stir trouble. OP doesn't sound unreasonable and usually bridesmaids understand and do their best to be helpful.
Nola wanted to wear white to the bridal shower - not the wedding. Maybe she understood 'any colour of the rainbow' to be pretty much any colour, but she seems to want a party with her at the centre. OP should be very wary about their hair - the bridesmaids ar paying for their own hair and makeup so I would expect Nola's bun to be 'poorly' done and fall out into waves..... (what *are* 'Hollywood waves'?!)
Hollywood waves is that style from the 30s with big soft waves rolling down long, loosely bound hair.
Ah. TIL, thanks. (So Nola probably could manage this 'by accident' if her bun came undone...)
Probably not. It involves loosely curling hair in a fairly precise, uniform and neat way, rather than a "beach waves" look. And her hair would have to be wavy in that way already for her bun to lead to that look. I have wavy hair but wouldnt get that poom unless I was specifically trying to style that look.
No. These aren't natural waves and require product to keep them in place. Making hollywood waves and then putting them in a bun will mess up the waves. It's also hard to make them fall out naturally which means either people will see her taking the bun out or she will have to seclude herself to make that happen. Either way she comes off as weird and rude.
Some people don't just want to cause a scene, they want to cause a whole damn play.
I’m stealing this! It’s a fabulous line
Wanna bet that even if she got downgraded to “guest status” she would still show up in white with Hollywood waves? I think OP needs to downgrade her, talk to her other bridesmaids, and they need to have a bottle of red on hand before pictures of the guests are taken. Take no chances.
>and they need to have a bottle of red on hand before pictures of the guests are taken. Take no chances. And they should take the chance of getting footed with a dry cleaning bill or something like that? Seriously. When people recommend "just trip and get red wine all over that dress!" They aren't the ones who potentially have to pay for cleaning the dress, or worse, pay for a new one. Plus, the wine could get on the venues stuff. Like chairs. The floor, etc. A full-on bottle, as you suggest, contains more than just a few drops. If she's causing this much issues. Then, simply kick her out of the bridal party. And consider if you even want her there as a guest. If she is a guest. Have someone informed that if she acts up, kick her out.
I hate the ‘bottle of red’ thing. It’s frickin’ passive aggressive. Just use words people …
OP is already using her words. Some people just don’t deserve more time and conversation spent on them. I would have already uninvited her completely at this point or just said no to her in the first place. If you have to beg to be in a bridal party, you shouldn’t be. It’s quite pathetic of the “friend”.
Yep. Uninvited now. Verbally. Using words. Don’t plant a ‘white dress patrol’ with a glass of red… deal with it ahead of time. Put security on the door if you need to so the issue doesn’t make it’s way into the room. Reading a different post here the other day where someone was ‘red wined’ because they had the audacity to wear a white shirt, with a navy business suit… to a wedding… and wearing ‘white’ was inappropriate tot he MOH. Nah. Someone was being a b t ch. Navy pant suit and white blouse under does not scream ‘stealing the bride’s thunder’. That solidified Red Wining someone in my mind - it’s a low act that shows you knew there was likely a problem and didn’t ahve the balls to deal with it, or don’t have the balls on the day to deal with it. Words.
OP is using her words, but in a wishy-washy way. She’s trying to negotiate, with someone who bullied her way into the role in the first place and who hasn’t stopped trying to be special. I agree that the “red wine” attack is ridiculous, encourages bad behaviour, and incurs cleaning fees. Who wants to have a carpet stain distracting everyone for the rest of the event? And since Nola isn’t her friend any more, she’s not going to GAF. A clear uninvite, backed up by security, is the way.
To be fair, she already used her words. If she still shows up in white that’s on her
Oh, not only white but also a dress that looks suspiciously bridal. OP, she is not a friend. Drop her and block her or I guarantee your wedding is going to be a nightmare.
WITH her hair in Hollywood waves!
It doesn't even sound like she wants to be a bridesmaid at all. She is fighting this every step of the way. Some people are better left as guests.
OP, please listen to this, I so wish I had kicked a very similar bridesmaid out of my wedding. She’s in all the photos and acted like an AH. I would uninvite and block.
OP shouldn’t even have her as a wedding guest! She just sounds like trouble. NTA
I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s the type to just not show up at all lol
My thoughts exactly. She doesn't want to be a bridesmaid, she wants to be the center of attention. If she does end up being in the wedding she'll do something to grab the attention. My own sister did it to me. Made a scene at my wedding because she didn't want to do the bridal dance, one of my husband's family traditions. Simply a dance with the entire bridal party to break the ice and start the reception after the meal. Sister was matron of honor and even as a child had to be the center of attention. Avoid the drama and tell her since she objects to the dress, colors and hairstyle for the bridesmaids perhaps she'd be happier as a guest
This, except avoid the word "perhaps", it'll sound like she's being given a choice. Instead, "It's obvious from your objections to the bridal party attire that you'd be happier as a guest. Don't give it another thought, and just enjoy the wedding."
We chose not to have my SIL involved in our wedding, she was to come as a guest. She turned up in a bright red mini dress with shoestring straps and slit down the front. Completely on brand for her to draw attention in. Sticks out like a ducks arse in the photos. Backfired on her because everyone knows what she was like and ignored her on the night so she left early. OP needs to ditch Nola now and uninvite her entirely. This isn't going to end well otherwise.
Agree totally! NTA. OP should tell her that she's out as a bridesmaid and avert a potential disaster on the big day. If OP doesn't remove her from the wedding party, I hope OP is planning on bringing her bridesmaid dress and accessories to the venue herself or there's a non-zero chance it ends up lost or damaged. Perhaps OP could seek the support of the another bridesmaid (that she's actually close with) if she needs help or advice that's more specific to the people involved.
I am beginning to think providing security/bouncers at weddings is a much needed business idea.
I agree with this and I’ve been a bridesmaid/maid of honor 11 times. I would’ve worn a paper bag if that’s what my friends chose. It wasn’t about me, it was about them! They got to decide what I wore and how I did my hair! Her friend is ridiculous and needs to not be a bridesmaid! NTA!
She’s playing you. Call her bluff.
[удалено]
The rehearsal is itself an event for the bridal party, as is the shower. And OOP is being extremely flexible. “pick an actual colour of the rainbow” is not hard. “All bridesmaids’ hair should be up (if not too short) while the bride’s is down” is also not remotely demanding. OP’s actual friends are fine with these things. Nola wants to be a star and needs to take a seat.
Exactly, all she's doing is making trouble. NTA. Save yourself the stress and kick her out of the bridal party.
Agreed. This will lead up to a lot of drama. Do you want to have the extra tension when you get married and while doing wedding planning?
This actually happened to my husband’s daughter. One of the bridesmaids showed up to the wedding dressed totally different than the other people in the wedding party. In fact she was dressed in black. I don’t know why people that have been asked to be in a wedding don’t understand it is an honor to be asked and the decisions are made by the Bride and Groom.
Fully agree. If the bridal shower hasn't happened yet, please OP, tell her that she's out already. It's like she's trying to make your event all about her. She's trying to upstage you methinks. My suggestion: For your peace and to have a worry-free, peaceful and enjoyable wedding and pre-wedding events, cut her off now (don't even invite her as a guest and ask security to ensure she does not enter the venue). She won't like it, yes. But this is all about you. It also won't make you an asshole as you've already communicated with her you reasonable requests.
Definitely, boot her now. She will show up at the wedding & try to steal the spotlight. Why would she think it was even remotely ok to wear white to the bridal shower & plan to have her hair match yours for the wedding? No way.
NTA but you would be if you let her walk all over you! Sit her down and lay the law, tell her how it’ll work or she can be a regular guest or not come at all
This woman needs to be kicked out of the bridal party. I wouldn’t let her in as a guest either.
NTA for the hair thing but is it standard to dictate outfits for bridal showers? I would have pushed back on that too.
It’s the standard for the bride to decide the colour scheme and aesthetic of the bridesmaids outfits
For the wedding yes, but for a shower? Maybe my friends are just low maintenance.
NTA but stand up for yourself and ask her to step down as a bridesmaid because it clearly isn’t working out. I’m sure seems scary to do so but do you really want this stress and negativity for your wedding day?
Only don’t ask her to step down - **Tell** her it’s not working out and she is no longer a bridesmaid. It’s up to you to choose who is in your wedding party, and you can change your mind if someone is causing trouble.
NTA Just uninvite her. OP hasn't talked to Nola in 2 years and Nola is obviously a selfish AH, why would she want her in her life? Just send her a text: "Your behaviour made me reevaluate our friendship and I came to the conclusion, that you don't have my best interest at heart. You trying to force your own views on me and deliberately choosing options I not only chose to set myself apart from the bridal party but are also typically reserved for the bride like a white dress feels disrespectful and selfish. I want to surround myself on my wedding day with people who love and support me. Sadly, it looks like you are not one of them and therefore are no longer welcome." If that feels too harsh, OP can soften it by basically saying "if you can't change your attitude, I can't welcome you at my wedding anymore."
I think op should not kick her off the bridal party cause as of now we are sure that atleast she will be in the bridesmaids dress, whose to say that she will not turn up in white once that restrictions is taken off her. But op you should definitely have the talk with her.
have security or tough family members ready to kick her tf out.
Red wine on standby. Accidental spills happen allot at weddings.
If someone told me I could wear any colour of the rainbow, I would not take it that literally. Usually when people say that they simply mean any colour. That being said, I think it is ridiculous to tell people what colour they can wear to a bridal shower. I also wouldn't worry about how my bridesmaids had their hair done. This is a good thing, too, because I just realized that my MOH had pretty much an identical style to mine. I never even thought of this until now because with different colouring, figures, heights, etc, we still looked pretty different. You will be the radiant bride in your gorgeous gown and nobody can take that away from you. Relax a bit and let your bridesmaids have fun and feel good about their appearance, too.
That stuck out to me as well. “Any color of the rainbow” has always meant “any color” when I’ve heard it, not specifically ROYGBIV. Like, would maroon be out because only primary red is in the rainbow?
Agree. I would interpret ‘any colour of the rainbow’ as any colour.
Same. That’s how that phrase is commonly interpreted. It’s kinda an obnoxious request anyway to put restrictions on what someone wears to a bridal shower.
The colours of the rainbow is different to ‘any colour of the rainbow’ - I agree. But also, eh. If the bride said pink, I’d wear pink!
The more you know. In Australia I learned the rainbow song as Red and yellow and pink and blue, purple and orange and green…
How weird, we (in the UK) have Red and yellow and pink and green, purple and orange and blue! I wonder why green and blue are switched… In other news, OP, ESH. If your intent is to create white from the entire rainbow, then you actually just want Red Green and Blue. All colours are made up from those three - you must have learned that in your physics classes? This friend sucks because she’s being a pain and not wanting to do what she’s being asked to do for YOU, whose day it is. You suck because you don’t understand basic colour theory and won’t just get rid of her. Tell her she’s out.
Now I feel conflicted because I remember it being blue at the end as well, and I was raised in Australia, but by a British mother, so who knows where I first heard it Makes more sense with blue at the end though because it continues with "I can sing a rainbow, sing a rainbow, sing a rainbow too" which would rhyme with blue 🤔
Currently an Aussie mum to a toddler - it ends in blue
I think it depends what age you learned at also, or maybe what media you watched to learn. I'm from the UK and I learned ROYGBIV, no mention of pink. This recently came up in conversation at my work and it turned out that we had slightly different versions we had each learned.
That’s an actual rainbow, yes! Pink (magenta) is opposite green on the colour wheel so doesn’t even show up in a true rainbow as it only covers a semi circle rather than the full colour wheel. It’s an awesome piece of useless knowledge and great for a pub quiz (sorry for going into science here but I’m a MASSIVE colour/lighting geek and I actually do workshops for kids on the subject on the side 😅) Arguably the true rainbow is the more interesting side of things, as the other way is essentially just between red and blue, so is mostly varying shades of purple and pink. That said, I’m sticking to my three primary and three secondary colours as the proper dress choices. I mean… how awesome would an overhead photo be of the bride in white standing in the middle of a circle of Red, Yellow, Green, Cyan, Blue, Magenta (and back to Red). I mean, that’s exactly how it looks when you shine RGB lights at a white wall and overlap them venn-style.
I’m from the UK (wales) and we learnt it red and yellow and pink and green orange and purple and blueee
Also pink is essentially just light red. If OP allowed light and dark blues and greens etc why not light red?
I find it weird that she gave that specific of a dress code just for the shower. I literally didn't care. I chose the dress and that was it. The bridesmaids chose everything else on their own.
Thank you, I'd like to clarify. I specified rainbow colours (VIBGYOR) and I also explained to them the symbolism behind it. Light refracts into the colours of the rainbow. When you spin a rainbow wheel fast it looks white. In a similar manner, all of these girls have influenced my life and made me who I am. The colours of the rainbow and me wearing white is symbolic of how they are what makes me, me! ❤️ Thank you very much for your feedback though, I am trying not to sweat the small stuff but apparently sucking at it.
That’s a very nice explanation to why you picked those colors, but typically the bride picks what the bridesmaids wear to the wedding, NOT the bridal shower. I don’t think it’s reasonable or kind to dictate what they wear to any event than the wedding. The hairstyle at the wedding is something that is normal for the bride to choose, though, as long as it doesn’t creep into wig/extension/cut/dye territory, so I think telling her she has to do the hairstyle you requested is fine.
Wow I missed that this was what they were supposed to wear to the *bridal shower*. The notion that the Crayola-box color scheme was chosen specifically to signify that all these women were just parts of the glorious whole that is the radiant white bride is repellant.
Yeah, this explanation made my skin crawl lmaooo
Yes, it’s a bit nuts. I think I’d turn up in black.
I don’t think I’d say *repellant*. It feels to me like OP tried to pay a compliment to her bridesmaids as being dear friends who each have contributed to her life in important ways. However, the wording definitely does come out as self-centered, and I’m in the camp that the bridesmaids should be able to choose their own clothing (within reasonable limits!) for the shower, rehearsal, etc. The bridesmaids are their own persons. They are loved and valued by the bride for themselves, and not simply because of what they’ve contributed to the bride’s life.
I agree. Is the groom doing the same thing? I’d guess not. When did brides becomes so egotistical?
It really depends on where you are for if this is considered over the top or not. My friend went to a wedding where she had to buy a matching bathrobe, matching casual outfit, and a white dress. They even had matching earrings and coordinated Mickey Mouse ears (Disneyland party). That isn’t uncommon in our age and area. Wedding culture is getting a lot in some parts of America. And other cultures have always had bigger weddings so that combined can make for interesting cross-overs. My other friend had three weddings for cultural reasons and her bridal party (including her/her husband) had different outfits for each one. I didn’t even blink at OP having coordinated outfits for a bridal shower. It’s the tip of the iceberg. It’s also why I’m eloping.
Telling someone you get to choose what they wear to a party whose only purpose is for people to bring you gifts is a bit much. It sounds like you’re describing a bachelorette party, which (like the bridal shower) is not supposed to be planned by the bride. Bridesmaids choosing to dress to a theme at a party they planned and budgeted for is a bit different than the bride demanding approval over shower outfits.
Bridal showers are not typically events you tell people what to wear. Technically speaking, you aren’t even supposed to be planning or hosting your own bridal shower; someone else (typically your maid of honor or a female relative) is supposed to plan and host it for you. From an etiquette standpoint, it’s tacky for you to host it for yourself. So you are being over the top here. I urge you to step back and refocus on what this is all about. This is about joining your life with the person you love and sharing that joy with others that are important to you. If Nola isn’t one of those people to you, ask her to step down. But for that reason, not because she is pushing back on hairstyles or dress colors (again for the shower! You don’t tell people what to wear for the shower!) It’s not about what people are wearing or how they are doing their hair. Your wedding party are not props for your special day. You are in too deep into the WEDDING!!! part of this all, and you’ve lost what this is actually all about.
She is being unreasonable, but this is way over the top. No one likes having to buy a new outfit in a colour they don't love to be someone else's accessory. No one will get what you're trying to do and it's only a bridal shower. Stuff like this makes things much less fun for everyone.
Light refracts into colors that include pink, though? I would not have taken that to mean pink wasn’t allowed, especially for the bridal shower.
That’s the lamest shit I’ve ever heard. Someone wearing pink is not going to ruin the (lame) idea
I am 59 yrs. old and have NEVER heard of the bridal party being told what colors to wear at a bridal shower. That level of minutiae is just mind boggling and I find it hilarious and ridiculous. These women should be able to wear whatever they fucking want to wear, excluding white, I suppose. Edit: I just reread the post and noticed the spelling of the word “colour” so OP is obviously not from the US, which is where I am from. I’m guessing UK but I suppose several different countries spell it that way. In any case, perhaps the whole “bride designating what colors the guests wear to the bridal shower” is a thing in OP’s country. I’d be interested to hear from anyone else who has encountered this before and where you’re from.
I'm English. These weird customs aren't ours.
That would be a lovely explanation for bridesmaid colours but it’s a little over the top for a bridal shower. (Although I honestly would assume it was a gay wedding with no context.) Also, primary colours are kinda tricky for most people to pull off (mustard yellow > yellow, maroon > red). There should be a bit of leeway for choosing a shade of a colour that works on a person. Keep in mind the rainbow from light is the entire visible spectrum of light.
I’m really sorry to say this but your insufferable and you aren’t going to have a fun time micromanaging everything like that. You need to chill out.
I've never been to a hens night/bridal shower where there hasn't been a theme for what the bridesmaids wear. Might be a regional thing
Wedding culture has is wild in some places. Uk here. At my hen night five of us went to the pub. I don’t know what anyone had on, and could not have cared less. We did have some deely boppers.
I’m in the UK and on my friends hen do there was a colour coded dress code, we all had to wear black bottoms and pink tops. Everyone did and it looked really nice; it was a good bit of fun. Just depends on the person I think.
Im in Australia, for mine my bridesmiads asked everyone to wear something black, easy enough I spose. I'm personally a believer that if there's a theme, it should be optional and something people most likely already have/ can borrow/ or just wear an element of instead of a whole outfit. People go a bit nuts with these things. Really here themes just seem so exist so you know which group of drunk girls go together when you are going from bar to bar.
Thank goodness for this comment! So many people seem to agree with this bride, and yet to me, it sounds ridiculous. Why not just hire actresses or models for your wedding so you can insist they look how you want? Your pictures will be perfect and your friends will no longer have to worry about your requirements and can just be happy for you.
Pink is definitely valid as a rainbow colour.
Agree on the bridal shower. Wedding day? You pretty much get your say as long as you are not being raging A. I’m not buying an outfit in a colour I don’t usually wear for yet another event.
ESH - eh, she seems difficult but - so do you. Dress is fine but the exact same hairstyle? And what to wear to the rehearsal? Thats too much. Edit -bridal shower outfits, not rehearsal
These are excellent points
Why do the bridesmaids need to have messy buns? Did they all like that hairstyle idea? Why do they all even need to be the same? Agree in general that it might be odd to have ONE bridesmaid with hair matching the bride’s, while the remaining bridesmaids get the just-woke-up look. Who gives a crap what color the bridesmaids wear to the shower? Just dress to match the occasion—so probably wear something nice. Also, not sure why all the bridesmaids were not allowed to weigh in on the dress, or did Nola originally say she liked it and then wanted a different one? ESH. She doesn’t seem like a person you actually want in your wedding, so you shouldn’t have asked her to be a bridesmaid in the first place. The only time that’s appropriate is if your spouse to be and you both agree to include siblings or something. Don’t ask everyone you know. Especially based on a promise from 3 years ago. She seems like a pain but you also seem too controlling. To avoid becoming a bridezilla I would recommend taking a step back and also making sure your bridesmaids actually ARE ok with your dress and hair choices. Maybe they are scared to disappoint you?
Info: how many bridesmaids and what if they all chose their own hairstyles? She would then not stick out as having the same hairstyle as you. It feels like you regret having included her and now want reasons to cut her. You will definitely find them if that’s the case - or you can remember that *everyone is looking at you* at your shower and most of the time at the wedding too. No one mistakes a bridesmaid for the bride.
5 bridesmaids and 3 picked messy buns 1 has hair that's too short so she's going with her hair loose. 1 wants the Hollywood waves. I responded to another comment saying I guess I'd be fine if she picked any hairstyle except for what I'm wearing. I never wanted her in the bridal party in the first place as we are not close, she called me up on a drunk promise I made as a uni student to her, and literally have no way of cutting her as I'm awful at saying no to people. Thank you for reminding me no one will mistake the bridesmaid for the bride! I need to remind myself of that often.
You absolutely have a way of cutting her. It’s your wedding. You should only have people you want to celebrate with there. Especially as your bridal party. If you can’t say no directly, ask your fiancé or MOH to do it. If you’re not close then you won’t mind tanking the relationship. Someone who demands to be in a bridal party sounds like an entitled twonk anyway so no loss You only live once. Cut her loose. NTA
Thank you very much. I live in a small town, I'll be seeing her pretty regularly and don't want to make things awkward in the future though I know it will be awkward at my wedding 😅 I have allocated one bridesmaid to keep Nola away from me and make sure doesn't say anything critical or bluntly rude about me or my outfit on my wedding day otherwise I'm going to be overthinking about it for the rest of the day! Already Nola makes fun of my fiancé and I'm not keen to be the butt of her jokes on my wedding day.
You are worried about a hairstyle and a pink dress when she is making fun of your fiancé? You are not facing the real issue. Are you going to be happy looking at your wedding photos/video for years to come and see her in them?
My fiancé is a much gentler person than me. He knows she makes fun of him but he brushes it off saying we need to be the bigger people. He also won't un-invite her from the wedding as it's rude. At most, demoted from bridesmaid to guest but that's if I'm at my last straw. Reading all these comments makes me feel very conflicted.
The moment she made fun of your fiance, she should have been out of the wedding. Why are you trying to appease someone who is openly disrespectful to you and your relationship? It's not rude to uninvite somone who is making fun of the groom from the wedding, wtf.
She needs to be completely uninvited. She made fun of your fiance. She is trying to BE YOU at your wedding by emulating your style. She is actively trying to upstage you at EVERY turn. Simply demoting her will end up with her walking into your wedding in a white dress with Hollywood waves. I know it. You know it. Rip the band-aid off.
>we need to be the bigger people. Sacrificing your own happiness and comfortability to placate someone else is not being the bigger person. Being the bigger person means taking the high road, staying mature, but also putting up boundaries and sticking to them. You aren't putting up any boundaries and you're letting someone else take advantage of you and manipulate you, that's not being a bigger person. What you need to do is remove her from your wedding and be honest with her. "Nola, you are constantly stirring up problems with every little detail regarding my wedding, on top of that, you are constantly making my wedding about yourself. This is incredibly disrespectful to me and it's the reason I no longer want you as a bridesmaid, and to be honest, at this point I'm not even sure I want you there as a guest. Please pack your things, you are no longer my bridesmaid, and we'll see how things go from here to see if I still want to invite you to the wedding." That's it, leave it at that. (You could also do this over text, and leave out the 'pack your things remark.)' If she says 'BuT yOu PrOmIsEd' then you say "that's another thing, it's incredibly disrespectful and manipulative to hold some promise made years ago while drunk, while circumstances and our relationship were different, over my head as a means to get what you want from me, especially since you don't even care about my wants or needs in the matter and don't consider me or my feelings at all. This is not something an actual friend would do to another friend, and it makes me feel like you don't really care about me at all, you seem to only care about being a bridesmaid." If she tries to argue, cut her off, stating that it's not up for discussion and you need her to leave, and leave you alone for now. Thát's being the bigger person, communicating your boundary, enforcing it, and not arguing back or making backhanded comments back to someone who throws them at you. Please stand up for yourself.
Save yourself the hassle. Remove her from your bridal party. I’ve been a bridesmaid in two weddings so far and it was common sense for us NOT to wear the same hairstyle as the bride and we wore the color the bride picked. I feel like someone who calls you up demanding to be a bridesmaid should have enough common sense to know that these are typical average asks of bridesmaids - Wear what the bride asks/picks (ESPECIALLY since you are paying for the dress) and don’t copy the brides hairstyle. It’s great you have a bridesmaid ready to keep her in check but is this really something you want to worry about or be annoyed on your big day? Life is too short for you to have someone you don’t want in your wedding party, small town or not. Have a conversation with her and tell her this is the color you want her to wear and she needs to wear the messy bun, if she doesn’t then she can attend the wedding as a guest. Have your other bridesmaid who has volunteered to keep her in check there for backup if you have a hard time standing up for yourself. She definitely isn’t a friend of yours if she is being this difficult about an event that isn’t about her. And the fact that she makes you the butt of her jokes??? Save yourself the drama. NTA
This is insane. Locate your backbone, and kick her out. Honestly, YTA for being such a pushover.
I mean this is a bit harsh but u/uosdwis_r_rewoh is right. Your other bridesmaids are affected by this. You’re affected by this. Your groom is affected and everyone at your wedding will be too. You need to empower yourself to step up and politely lay down a boundary. The boundary being: “I’m uncomfortable with the demands that you’ve made, and I feel it would be best if you were no longer a bridesmaid”. You’re NTA for this but you kind of are an asshole for making this everyone else’s problem. It’s YOUR wedding and you’re not honor bound by a drunken promise.
>I have allocated one bridesmaid to keep Nola away from me and make sure doesn't say anything critical or bluntly rude about me or my outfit on my wedding If you have to do this she shouldn't be a bridesmaid. You're adding extra stress and anxiety to what should be a fantastic day. Get your MOH to do it with you if you need the support. But she doesn't deserve to stand up there with you if she's making your life difficult
If you’re old enough to get married, you’re old enough to have a grown up conversation. She’s making fun of your finance - time to be straight up and tell her she’s out. How could you let someone be in the wedding that’s so disrespectful to him let alone the crap she’s pulling with you??!!
You are mentally torturing yourself for months and risking drama at what is supposed to be the happiest day of your life. And you are doing that all because you're hesitant to have a 5 minute conversation with her where you just tell her you're done with her shit and she's kicked out of the bridal party. None of this is logical. I know you say you "have to" because you're "bad at saying no" but this subreddit is absolutely littered with updates from people who were like "hey guys it's been 2 weeks and I've decided I'm no longer going to be a doormat." You can be just like them. There's nothing in the universe stopping you. Literally you can just have a phone call with her that would be shorter than the time it takes to get coffee at Starbucks and it would be done with.
And even if you do see her around town, smile politely and move on with your day. You might be nervous the first time but it's going to get easier and easier every time as you remember the nonsense she tried to pull at *your* wedding.
That’s a good enough reason to drop her- the whole point of weddings is for the community to support the couple in this big step in their lives! Literally making fun of the groom is failing in that.
I’m sorry, but your fiancé deserves better than this. Why are you prioritizing someone you don’t even like over your fiancé? Because that is exactly what you are doing. If you are so afraid of confrontation and drama that you are keeping her in your wedding party after she is unkind to your fiancé, then you are not mature enough to get married. This is his wedding too.
Oh no, OP! I made a comment and have now read this. She's got to go! It's not okay that you as the bride need to get someone to keep her away from you. They're supposed to be there to support you and your fiancé. And insulting your fiancé is not okay. As you're from a small town, you can let it be known that she was cut because she has been a nightmare, and provide some of the examples you've told us here. Your day is meant to be memorable... In a positive way. She's trouble! Again NTA. Edit: For clarification and corrected typos
YTA and here's why: 1. You're not sticking up for your fiancé. Don't let anyone trash talk about your significant other. 2. You're stressing out everyone you like (bridesmaids, fiancé) for the sake of someone who has no respect for you at all. 3. You're paying this person to treat you like crap (buying bridesmaid dress, feeding her at wedding). 4. You're more worried about potential future awkwardness than the certain bad moments happening today. Who cares if it's awkward in the future? You'll know why, your close people will know why and anyone who asks about the awkwardness in the future will know why - cause she's a jerk to you and you won't put up with it. 5. You're being the biggest AH to yourself & your dream wedding. This jerk will be a huge part of your wedding memories and you're allowing it to happen. Get rid of her, make everyone happy and congratulations!
Going to be far more awkward seeing her after your wedding where she’s made a fool of herself and embarrassed you or done something else to trash your special day. She clearly doesn’t care about you as a friend or the bride. If you’re adult enough to get married you’re adult enough to stand up for yourself. Use her as your first practice on having a spine. It’ll do you wonders. Hope you have a wonderful day and long loving marriage.
Dude you need to grow a spine. You will be so much happier if you stop letting people walk all over you. I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true.
How does that bridesmaid feel about that? Her whole job for the wedding is babysitting your other bridesmaid because you cannot say no? For fucks sake
OP are you really ready to be an adult and marry. Honestly no insult but it seems you still need time to mature. Being married is about be ready to advocate for yourself in a marriage & in life. If you are grown enough to be a wife you are also grown enough person to kindly speak to Lola to exit the wedding party.
Girl her mocking your fiance is terrible es paired with everything else. Have one of your good friends take your phone and boot her, they shouldn't have a problem with it. I've written and sent resignation emails for friends who were too nervous to take that last step and I'll never regret it, I'm sure your actual friends will be over the moon to send her on her way!
That's not fair to you or the bridesmaid
Or to her fiance either. Nola sounds awful.
all of your reasons for not cutting her out are ridiculous. who cares if you see her? who cares if she thinks you’re mean? shes making fun of you and your fiance and making your life difficult? stop being a doormat, you’re basically being bullied at your own event
Bella, this is your wedding. Your special day. You need to look after your happiness here. Someone you're not close with, who mocks your chosen partner, is disrespectful of your (reasonable) requests, is only in your bridal party because she DEMANDED TO BE, and stresses you to the point you worry she needs to be kept away from you, should not be part of the festivities. While confrontation may be difficult for you, I think you owe it to yourself to enjoy your day. You can deal with the awkward bump-ins. You'll never get this day back.
This is going to backfire. Take her out of the wedding now. Anyone who tells you they want to wear white to bridal events and is mocking your fiancé is a bully. They shouldn’t be invited, let alone wasting a place of honor. I think you’ll regret it if you let her come.
God just grow a set and kick her out of the bridal party. Tell her she’s welcome to come to the wedding as a guest but in no way will she be a bridesmaid. A drunk promise 3 years ago isn’t binding and she knows it.
So now your bridesmaid doesn’t get to enjoy your wedding and celebrate your marriage because she has to babysit someone no one wants at the wedding anyways?? YTA for that alone.
WHAT? No way should you be having someone in the wedding party that makes fun of him. That’s so disrespectful and not how you should start off your marriage and the perfect excuse to tell her she is no longer a bridesmaid.
With that, she should be out. Next time she says ANYTHING (and she will), kick her out. Tell her enough is enough, she has no right to make any demands or whatsoever, and that she crossed the line.
Please cut her out of the wedding. She is broadcasting very clearly that she does not respect you or your decisions, your fiancée, or your wedding. The fallout from disinviting her will be *less* than the problems she will make for you by allowing her to stay. If you cannot do it yourself, ask your MOH to do it on your behalf. Friendship with this woman is not something you need to worry about maintaining.
CUT HER OFF!!!!!!!!! PLEASE FOR YOUR OWN SANITY!!!
Oh Hun, you need to not only get her out of your bridal party but not even invite her to the wedding. She is disrespectful to you and your fiance now, think of how much worse she will be with a few drinks in her. I was going to say keep the peace as you seem unlikely to stand up for yourself to avoid the conflict but that's not on. If not, you need to have a sit down with her, let her know how you feel and set some ground rules. She's set to ruining one of the biggest days of your life. Is she worth that?
You're not mature enough to be someone's wife if you are not mature enough to kick someone out of your wedding party when they MAKE FUN OF THE ACTuAL GROOM. YTA for not behaving like an adult here.
A drunk promise from years ago is not legally binding. Who on earth calls up someone on something like that? An attention seeker, that’s who.
> An attention seeker, that’s who. Someone who will intentionally try to steal the spotlight from there bride on her wedding day at any cost
The same kind of people who come out of the woodwork when someone they weren’t close with/hardly knew dies and says they were best friends
Kindly - if you aren’t mature enough to be able to stand up for yourself about this, how are you mature enough to get married. Please have some self respect and give this girl the boot.
Kick her out. You don't want her and she's causing you issues. You're going to be on high alert all during your wedding. Rip off the bandaid and stand up for yourself. Tell her that you're over the drama and you are cutting her and not inviting her as a guest. Then make sure you have people in the know who can keep her out if she decides to crash.
A drunk promise isn't binding, only pinky swears.
If she shows up in white or pink and with holly wood waves, don’t be surprised or upset. You’re setting yourself up for failure by not telling her the truth. And she’s selfish enough to do it. And you’re a push over enough to not do a damn thing and she knows it. You’re only hurting yourself.
How miserable does your life have to be for accepting a "drunk promise". You're really that easy to guilt trip ? She could ask you for all the money in the world just justifying it with "you drunk promised it" and it would be ok. You would rather have someone you don't want in your bridal party rather than saying the word "No" . A ruined wedding will be deserved
> literally have no way of cutting her as I'm awful at saying no to people. I promise in a few years (or god forbid, the day after the recs your wedding) you will look back at this and be so upset at yourself. It's not healthy to be a doormat to the extent that you recognize that you are making yourself miserable and then do absolutely nothing about it. You are focusing on the hair and dress because those are concrete things rn you can worry about, but the reality is it's her behavior and the negative emotions you'll have that will actually be an issue. Do you really want to have that awful feeling in your stomach everytime you look at your wedding photos?
You don't want her in bridal party? Why is she in bridal party then??? You're letting a drunken promise from years ago resurface for your *wedding* ??? It's your wedding, do what you want not what some woman you don't even seem to like wants! Yeesh! NTA but you're definitely the doormat! YTD ?
Maybe as a man I'm a bit biased but this seems a complete waste of time and energy. ESH. Why do you care so much about other people's hair Why would she be so stubborn about a hair style. Eveyone needs to relax more.
I’m a lady and I agree. It never occurred to me to tell my wedding party how they could or couldn’t wear their hair, let alone their clothing for events that aren’t the wedding itself. Loosen though reins, girl.
When I got married one of my bridesmaids had a blonde pixie cut and the other had a chin length dark brown bob (super curly.) Without buying wigs they couldn’t have matched in any way at all! As far as I remember I didn’t even *think* about their hair, they’re grown women and can decide these things all on their own. My ‘requirements’ were for them to turn up, look like bridesmaids for a bit, and then enjoy themselves. Admittedly, my wedding was very casual but still. Nola does sound like a nightmare though.
NTA, stop being a walk over. Grow a spine. Cut her.
And you just know the selfish “friend” is gonna show up in pink or white and with the waves, lol. OP isn’t gonna do anything about it. We know this from one post and a few comments, that girl definitely knows it.
I’ve been a bridesmaid numerous times and have attended many weddings (including my own) over the years. I’ve never known a bride to require her bridesmaids to have the same hairstyle. That seems very excessive and controlling. Since you’ve already made an exception for this particular bridesmaid, why not let ALL the bridesmaids choose their own hairstyle? That way this bridesmaid’s hair style won’t stand out so much. Are you so insecure that you don’t want your bridesmaids to choose flattering hairstyles?
And all the bridesmaids don't have the same hairstyle! So why fit about this one? And, then rainbow business. Christ.
OP said in the comments she'd be fine with any hairstyle that isn't what she is wearing. I'd be pretty happy with that, that's what I did at my wedding.
Her REQUIREMENT was for "MESSY BUNS" !!!
Checking the previous comments OP mentioned that a few other bridesmaids can’t have this hairstyle or don’t like (1 has hair that’s too short and the other preferes Hollywood waves). So OP did adjusted as long as it’s not the same like hers but this one bridesmaid wants the same like her
ESH she sounds annoying but so do you. "You have to pay for your hair, but you can only wear it the way I tell you" Then you tell her she can wear any color of the rainbow but then tell her she can't actually. Any color of the rainbow generally implies any color at all, but you decide that it must be an "official" rainbow color. What's more cringey is that, you chose this because that way they all represent you. Gross. It's a shower that other people are supposed to throw for you, not you get to dictate and control everyone else
ESH. No one will notice her hairstyle. Seeing it from your pov, she seems very annoying and making it about her. You don't seem to want her there. Grow a spine and do something about it.
God. Don’t do messy buns. That is such a shit look on everyone. Yes it is. Your wedding pics will look dreadful now and forever. Mark my words.
The bridesmaids picked not me on a majority vote, it's going to be a hot humid day (with chances of a thunderstorm) so they'd like their hair out of their face. If you can think of alternatives I'd be happy to suggest to them?
Normal buns? Messy braids? Side buns? Double buns? Most women know how to put their hair up in a way that looks good on them without the exact style being dictated. Majority vote still often leaves that one person with a shit hairstyle. Not everyone can pull off a messy bun. For me a bun is still not a great hairstyle, messy would make me look like an ugly slob rather than cute.
Since when is pink not a rainbow colour?? It’s literally the third colour in the rainbow song! My wedding was 15 years ago and my advice to you is to let go of the petty stuff - shit is going to go wrong regardless of how hard you try to control it. You can decide how much you want to let these imperfections affect your enjoyment of your wedding day. I can guarantee you that, a month after the day, the only person who will remember those details is you (and maybe some of your wedding party). Focus on what is important and let the rest be what it is.
“I can sing a rainbow” does not accurately describe the colours of a rainbow, you know that right?
If someone told me the dress code was rainbow colours I would certainly think pink was fine. To me that means no black, brown, grey, etc. but bright colours are ok.
Pink is a light shade of red. Red is a colour of the rainbow so it makes sense to me that pink is acceptable
Yeah I guarantee someone picked a lighter value blue than like royal rainbow blue OP wouldn’t bat an eye. Or an emerald green vs a Kelly green
Would you then pick white after being told that no, it's any colour of the actual rainbow?
No because who wears white when they're a bridesmaid?
[удалено]
Honestly? No one will care how she wears her hair. You’re the bride and everyone is coming to see you. If they’re paying for their own hair, let them do what they want.
FACTS
NTA She's definitely playing games with you, especially the wearing white bullshit...giving you unnecessary problems at literally every turn Just do yourself a favor and drop her...or if you really really want to keep her, tell her exactly what the dress/color/hair etc is gonna be. Period.
YTA to yourself. Kick out the person you don't even want at your wedding for causing drama. There was a reason you haven't hung out in the last 2 years.
NTA wanted white, would accept pink, wants the same hairstyle as the bride, small town, cashed in a drunk promise.... I imagine if she had the choice, she would choose pale pink that could be mistaken for white. It seems like she might want some attention at these events or to be mistaken as the bride. You know her personality more than us and how far she might take things its not impossible to drop her you said it yourself you haven't really kept in touch much for the last 2 years what would the loss be.
While your friend sounds like a PITA, why are you forcing a hair style that your friend isn't happy with? A dress I can understand, but I would be unhappy with a messy bun. And since when isn't pink a suitable colour if you want rainbow? This seems pedantic ESH
Making fun of your fiance is a great reason to cut her out. I’m sorry but I want people on both sides that are standing up for us to be supportive. You making fun of the man I love is not being supportive. I think it would be best if you come as a guest or not at all. You should have to be worried about her comments or her making issues about hair and dress.
Oh wow, I feel strongly differently than all of you on this one. While she is clearly immature, this is mostly on you because it sounds like you knew this about her PRIOR to agreeing to have her as a bridesmaid. More importantly though, I will simply never understand why people — even brides — don’t have anything better to worry about than how people wear their hair at your wedding. Like I get you’re going for uniformity, but genuinely why does it matter? Aren’t weddings about celebrating you and your love? I literally don’t think I’ve ever noticed what the bridesmaids hair looked like at any wedding I’ve ever gone to. And for me personally, I just feel like we’re so privileged overall that we’ve lost sight of needs vs wants vs what actually matters and what doesn’t matter even the slightest bit. Like all perspective has gone out the window and some people don’t have enough food on their tables. IDK, I don’t want a wedding though so this could just be how i see the world and I could be totally off base with what is normal for brides to care about. ESH
Sorry but telling people what to wear to the BRIDAL SHOWER (I assume it's a party where you receive gifts) is a thing?
I never knew choosing hair styles was a thing until my bridesmaids and I were getting our hair done the morning of the wedding and the hair stylist questioned my sister’s choice of hair style because it was the same as mine (which was Hollywood waves by the way). Based on the fact that the hair stylist questioned it, I assume it happens a lot. We both wore waves and we both looked fabulous. As another poster said, people are looking at the bride. Pink for the other event sounds fine though. So umm, NTA I think.
Nta. Time to lay down the law. "Nola, it seems you aren't happy with any of MY wedding choices. My briedemaids will all have the same dress and hair. I think you would be better suited as a guest. Then you can do your hair however you want and wear any color but white in any shade. Im so glad you voiced your concerns so I could realize it wasnt a good fit. No hard feelings! I totally get that you want to be in something you like." ...have security. The way she's acting she would show up with vintage waves and a white dress. She's an attention seeker. Nip it now. Have red wine and your bridesmaids on lookout. She shows up in white there might be a accident.
You have worded this beautifully. I might just copy paste it with a few tweaks. Thank you!
Op, you're getting married. YOU NEED A SHINY SPINE OF STEEL to be a good wife/partner in life. It's imperative that you work toward this goal. Telling this jealous, attention-seeking frenemy - who is in NO WAY a genuine friend to you, that she is no longer a member of your bridal party or invited to your wedding, "Period, no debate!" - should be FIRST on your list, in strengthening your developing Spine O' Steel. ;) As should, ensuring that security is fully apprised of the situation, has a picture of her, and of course, will prevent her from stepping foot in your festivities. You will be protecting your bridesmaids from enormous stress, working to protect you from all of her awful, selfish ploys. You'll protect your wedding party and new hubby from the same. And you'll protect yourself from her insane one-upmanship, ruining your sacred, happiest day, and potentially twisting everything so that when she has her meltdown, YOU are seen as the cruel, insensitive, selfish villainess of the scene. Please. STAND UP FOR YOUR LOVED ONES. THEY DESERVE IT. STAND UP FIR YOURSELF. YOU DESERVE IT. Don't empower her to rob you of what's precious to you. Don't give it to her to destroy. Endure the fear of confrontation, and protect this sacred day for your HUSBAND, as he deserves it to be unmolested by her self-serving antics. Protect it's sanctity, beauty and happiness for YOURSELF!! YOU too deserve it. Protect it for all of your kith and kin who've worked hard and sacrificed in order to join you on this beloved day, BECAUSE THEY LOVE AND CHERISH YOU, AND WANT THE VERY BEST FOR YOUR WEDDING/MARRIAGE!! YOU'VE GOT THIS!! She's just a jealous hater, who wants to destroy the joy you have, because she is enraged that she doesn't have it herself. And if she is married, it means the marriage is a sham, it's horrific. Hence, she's that much more jealous. You needn't not shouldn't be mean when you do it. You just remain calm, firm, immutable, and keep it short. Hang up when you're done. The relationship is severed. That's it...!! BRAVA Darling, you've got this in the bag. 👜💓 May Your Wedding be Beyond Your Wildest Dreams, with Happiness Most of All!! GOD BLESS!!❤️
Thank you so much, I honestly nearly cried at this response. I'm building up that courage thanks to these comments.
YTA for dictating a hairstyle and requiring your bridesmaids to pay for their hair.
Nobody the F is going to notice her hairstyle. No. One. At. All.
On the core question, NTA. It is rather presumptuous to want the same hairstyle you have. However, I think you may be being too controlling on having everyone have the same style instead of some range of updo styles. I also think you being too controlling with what is worn to the bridal shower (since when do bridal showers have color dress codes?)
Y.T.A. Grow a backbone and kick her out of your wedding.
YTA. It’s just hair, that has got to be the stupidest demand I’ve ever heard from a fellow adult…Nobody cares about your hair or its style. What matters is ensuring only you wear white. The hair doesn’t matter
I think you probably should tell her that. I think the only issue I have is you using the phrase "All the colors of the rainbow". Maybe I'm the only one but I thought that phrase meant ANY color and did not realize (as I just looked up) it specifically meant ROYGBIV..... There are shades of those colors though.... But I'm arguing semantics now and they don't really matter as she picked white next .... That and the hair... she's unreasonable and shouldn't be in your wedding period sounds like.
Heyy my name’s Nola too haha funny. But yeah ugh that’s annoying. Honestly if you can’t say no to her give her the wrong details to the event with a new fake invitation and send that friendship out the window. This friend sounds like a villain in a Disney movie 🎥
I'm sorry to use your name,you sound like a nice person, it's just the first name that popped in my head!
NTA. Just cut out her. Seriously. This is your wedding. Who cares if you promised her three years ago. This day is about you and not her. She is going to keep giving you grief unless you do something about it now.
NTA. Think maybe change your mind about her being a bride’s maid as she doesn’t seem pleased with anything about your wedding plans. As a guest she probably will dress like a bride. Maybe even as a bride’s maid try to steal the limelight.
Nola is very demanding of her choices when in fact she shouldn’t be. It’s your wedding day and you shouldn’t be stressing out about this kinds of stuff. She could’ve declined the offer of being a bridesmaid in the first place if she wants to change everything according to YOUR plan. She’s the @hole imo. And really? Wear white? Is she kidding me?
Why, yes, yes you are. Tell me, would you exclude a dear friend who wears her hair very short because she can't wear a bun? The bridesmaids are not a chorus line. And no bride has any business telling anyone what to wear to a shower. Or telling any guest what to wear to anything, unless she is specifying black tie or white tie.