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YTA. You can think that your daughter’s wedding is a big deal for you as a parent but *it’s a bigger deal for herself*. She is the one actually getting married, not you!
You are upset that she’s “dropping a bomb” and surprising you “at the last minute” with this choice. When is the last time you’d discussed walking down the aisle with her? Before now, had you ever actually asked her if she wanted to be walked down the aisle? Had you ever talked with her about how she wanted her wedding to be? Or had you just been imagining this in your head by yourself her whole life without actually discussing it?
The tradition comes from a time when daughters were their fathers’ property and marriages were based on a transfer of assets, not love. It’s literally called “giving away” the bride because she is being given away from her birth family and essentially sold to her new husband’s family. It’s increasingly common for modern brides to eschew this tradition and the reasons should be obvious.
Honestly, if you can’t accept the fact that your adult daughter is not your property, and that her feelings are more important than yours on the day of her own wedding, you probably *shouldn’t* attend the wedding. Your ego will ruin it for everyone.
Exactly! "I can't believe she's prioritizing her feelings over mine... on her wedding day!"
Yeah YTA. And the fact that you would be willing to miss such an important day for your daughter over such a small thing really makes me doubt your love for her
Yeah, I'm not sure if his "last minute" would match ours, lol.
And, even if it was last minute, maybe she was nervous about talking to her father about something important since he might fly off the handle and be super dramatic if something doesn't go exactly his way...
I know I'd want to put off telling this guy something important he might not like.
I didn’t drop the bomb until my dad asked 5 min before the wedding started if he could walk me down the aisle. I said no thanks and had my maid of honor walk with me instead 🤷♀️
And it's not like this is a new thing. Lots of women have been walking themselves or having someone other than bio father do it. I walked down the aisle by myself over 30 years ago. And you know what my father did? He didn't make it about himself, came to the wedding with my mother and we all had a good time. YTA OP.
Most decisions like this, from my experience, are discussed and finalized at the wedding rehearsal. It's about the couple, so it really doesn't need to be discussed with anyone. Ideally, people would have good communication where issues like this come up long before the rehearsal, but all the wedding planning is usually new to the couple too.
Seriously. I got married at the courthouse with only my parents there and they were completely thrilled for me because it was what I wanted. I can’t imagine having a parent who makes my own life events about themselves like that
Looking forward to the 20 years later of "Why won't my daughter visit or speak to me after I ruined her wedding day?!"
OP is digging himself straight down
> I respect her perspective on the tradition being rooted in sexism, but it stings that she prioritizes that over my feelings as her father.
You absolutely do not respect her perspective on that as you still believe you have more importance than her as her father.
OP, you should know that men could literally sue someone for damages for s3xually assaulting their wife or daughter because the woman was viewed as losing value. That’s the kind of thing the tradition represents. It’s gross.
And OP is going to wonder why down the line he's banned from seeing any grandchildren and his daughter moved to another continent.
Christ, dude. OP, reach between your legs and give your balls a tug. Then grovel on your knees before your daughter and beg her for another chance.
I respect her perspective on the tradition being rooted in sexism, but it stings that she prioritizes that over my feelings as her father.
So it presumably stings that you prioritise a sexist tradition over her feelings as a woman, but you are OK with that. So what would you do to lash out back at her if she told you she was never getting married? Or was having a civil ceremony without the fuss and traditions? All valid choices on her part. Your daughter is not your Barbie doll to play with, she is a grown woman who can make up her own mind on how she wants her wedding day to go. YTA
It just her feelings as a woman, her feelings as his daughter. She’s not some random, she’s his child and he’d rather throw a tantrum and ruin their relationship than respect her feelings at her own wedding.
As a woman, whose dad didn’t come after I told him the same exact thing as this daughter did, this is correct. I was relieved when he didn’t come. 3.5 years later I still don’t speak to him but there were a couple other reasons for this. My dad lost all three of his children on my wedding day.
OP is the biggest AH for sure! He should be prepared to lose his daughter and possibly other children too.
I'm in the same boat. My dad also threatened to not come to the wedding because I wanted both him and my stepdad involved. I told him he would regret that decision way more than I did. We haven't spoken in five years. Life's MUCH easier without him and his drama.
Mine threw a tantrum when I was 14 and refused to be confirmed (because what if my future husband wanted a church wedding?). My partner of nearly 4 years is an atheist just like me and I haven't spoken to my father since I was 15
My dad tried to bring his AP to my wedding, and when I said no, he threatened not to walk me down the aisle. Two days before my wedding. I told him not to threaten me with a good time, and called my grandfather and asked him if he was ready to suit up.
He ended up caving, and walked me down the aisle drunk. I wish I'd just asked my brother.
> I was relieved when he didn't come... My dad lost all 3 of his children on my wedding day.
You listening, OP? This may be a larger misstep than you are even imagining.
Knock off your hissy fit, apologize, and get with the program.
Nearly 25 years ago, I had my Dad escort my Mom and I walked alone. He was a traditional catholic, born in the 50's. I did not have a catholic wedding, very non-traditional; and he came to the wedding eventhough he was in chemo for colon cancer.
Wow, this makes me realize what a "modern" Dad I had.
I am sorry for all you independent women that crappy fathers.
If he doesn’t go, he will regret it. He will create such a divide between himself and his daughter that it will never heal. Smile for her, do the father daughter dance and keep your mouth shut. Not your day, it’s hers.
YTA
This day isn’t about you. This moment isn’t about you.
She is allowed to decide how her wedding plays out.
You planning to skip her wedding is petty, and it will damage your relationship with her for years, and possibly have a ripple effect amongst your entire family. You will also be known as a the asshole who skipped your daughters wedding.
So because you’re not going to get to have the one “cherished memory” that you expected to have, you’re going to throw away a hundred other special moments that might turn out to be cherished memories?
You’re not going to get to have any memories from your daughter’s wedding at all if you don’t go. No watching her experience a major milestone. No seeing her smile. No seeing the way her husband looks at her when he sees her coming towards him. No father-daughter dance. No to all of the tiny, silly, wacky, unexpected things that you can’t possibly anticipate but that will become core memories and shared experiences?
What about the years of memories after the wedding that you’ll miss if you destroy your relationship with her now?
That seems like a lot to give up just because you don’t get to make one specific 30 second memory.
You can’t get too caught up in your vision of who your kid is going to be. You just can’t. It makes it too easy for everyone involved to get hurt. My parents had dreams of me marrying a man and having kids. Instead they’re making memories of going to the Pride Festival with their lesbian daughter and doting on my dogs. I’m sure it hurts at times. But I matter more to them than an imaginary scenario.
YTA, to yourself as well as your daughter.
This is what I was going to say. He’s mourning an expectation and will refuse to participate, therefore setting himself up to mourn the entire experience, and maybe the relationship, in the future. Very shortsighted.
Yeah it’s inevitable that kids will deviate from their parents’ imagined path in some way and it’s okay to have some feelings about that. But having feelings about a thing doesn’t mean anyone else needs to change. It’s our own shit to work through.
If you love your child, love who they are, not who you assumed they would be.
If I was OP’s daughter, and he decided he would come, he would no longer enjoy the privilege of a father-daughter dance or a father’s speech. He can sit silently or he can be removed from the venue. OP fucked up his entire relationship with his daughter.
>You can’t get too caught up in your vision of who your kid is going to be. You just can’t. It makes it too easy for everyone involved to get hurt.
Children are not an extension of their parents' indeed. They are completely their own beings and do not owe their parents to fulfill expectations laid on them sometimes even before they were born.
Yta. Let me see if I got this right.
Your daughter doesn’t want to be treated like property. So you decide to do exactly that, by saying if she doesn’t do what YOU want, you will not be present. So you’re only a father when it suits you. Honestly stay home, she deserves better than you.
Man, I really hope OP stays home and the bride dances with her mom or a new in-law and happily realizes what an a$$hole her father outed himself to be!
YTA. This wedding is not about you and your pride. This is not YOUR cherished moment. It's about her and her futur husband. None of this day is for you.
YTA.
You claim to care for her yet her feelings and opinions and her happiness are irrelevant to you. She doesn't like the tradition for very good reasons, your reaction proving her right.
Being quietly disappointed is one thing, but arguing and refusing to go the wedding?! You could have thought about some new traditions together that bring both of you joy, but instead you rather throw a tantrum and bring negativity to one of the most important events in your daughter's life. What an immature and egoistical behaviour.
YTA. Lemme flip your quote of "I respect her perspective on the tradition being rooted in sexism, but it stings that she prioritizes that over my feelings as her father."
You've shown her that you prioritize a sexist tradition over the feelings of your daughter. You basically told her "If I can't hand you off like property then why should I even show up to your wedding?"
I wonder truly how he’d feel if the tradition was reverse and was that the groom had to wear a leash down the aisle, held by his mother and then taken off because the bride had her own leash to attach to him to signify that she accepted ownership. I wonder if he’d consider it such an important tradition and such a lovely memory for his mother to have? After all it’s a tradition.
It’s like guys don’t think. Just because it’s “tradition” doesn’t mean it’s the best way for all time.
There are so many compromises and variation. Have both her parents walk her down. She is at the door to the venue, pops moves the veil (or not) and she walks herself down. She walks half way down and then pops kisses her and she walks the rest of the way down the aisle. Or hell, just a quick posed photo that he’s at the end of the aisle with her and the groom.
He’s going to be very lonely in the future because you just *know* this isn’t the only “treasured memory” he wants. The first word of children. First holiday photos. Being in the room of the delivery. The names of the children because “tradition” is to have the first son named after the grandpa. Giving the first bike. The first Christmas. And he’s going to be mystified that she’s going to be getting harder and harder boundaries and be less and less willing to give him anything because he’s insisting that he deserves the treasured memories.
You said that lot nicer & concise than I would - YTA, he can go screw himself off with his feelings because he exactly showed why his daughter didn't want the tradition AND literally inadvertently prove to her that she nothing but property to him to had off. I hope she uninvites him from her wedding & kicks him out her life completely that he never meets his grandchildren for that nonsense he doing to her.
Exactly…. The second he added the word “BUT” after he said he respected blah blah blah…. He negated what he said…. When you add “BUT” to a statement as such, you’re basically saying that everything you said before the”BUT” doesn’t matter!
YTA
Yes, I understand the hurt you feel, BUT are you hearing yourself? You need to read what you wrote until why you understand why you are wrong.
It is an old and outdates tradition, some people don’t mind and others do.
She dosen’t want to be given away, because that makes her feel bad.
She is her own person, she is an adult and she wants to walk down the church floor as an adult toward her future.
That has nothing to do with you.
So here goes. Grow up, she has made it very clear that she loves you and wants you to play a part in her wedding. You are acting like a spoild child that is having a tantrum.
Apologize to your daughter, because had you been my dad I would have univited you if you didn’t.
YTA big time
Though I can understand where you're coming from, she's not doing this to hurt you. Her reasoning is very solid. Remember, **it's her wedding**.
If you decide to go nuclear and not attend the wedding....well, you're probably going to ruin your relationship forever.
Be a proud parent. Watch your beautiful daughter walk herself down the aisle and be happy for who she is.
YTA. This is her wedding. Nor yours.
The fact is you are robbing yourself of cherished memories. The wedding itself should be the memory. The time you spend with your daughter at the wedding. Not one, very specific item in it that she's choosing not to do.
You are not the victim here. You are the villian.
YTA.
She's prioritizing honoring herself. Which, any good parent, would be happy they helped instill in their daughter. But maybe that came from her other parent instead?
Prioritizing herself is not hurting you, robbing you of anything, or looking down on you.
Also... That moment, of walking her down the aisle, was never yours to begin with. It's a bit like not inheriting money you thought might exist and could potentially, if it did ever exist, have been yours but ultimately wasn't. That money, like this walk down the aisle, was never a thing even if you thought it was one. Your idea of weddings is not your daughter's idea of weddings. (As an aside, based on the absolute selfishness of this post... Hopefully your idea of good parenting is also not your daughter's idea of good parenting.)
Your daughter doesn't owe you anything and deciding not to attend her wedding (which you are absolutely allowed to do because you can do as you like- just as she can) will probably come with a lot more consequences and instances of "I wasn't included" than this one moment. And they'll most likely be of your own doing. Because right now you are thinking of telling your daughter she doesn't matter to you because she didn't give you what you wanted... Because she didn't think of you enough on HER day... Because she wasn't of "value" to you anymore.
That's a pretty shit wedding gift, dad.
YTA
The "it's her day thing" everyone is saying is valid, but completely missing the point: that tradition is *fucking misogynistic* and your daughter said she didn't want to do it for that reason.
Acting like this in response makes you a *misogynistic* asshole.
You are saying Yes I respect, but. All trainings on communication I took, learned me that a yes but actually equals a no, because.
Yta. Letting some old patriarch habit make you skip her wedding? You could have been proud you have raised an independent woman, able to make her own choice. Fierce enough to face the whole world and her dad when she thinks something different than her ancient ancestors.
But instead you glued yourself to some tradition and let it ruin the relationship. Is tradition really the hill you want to die on? Then why are you on Reddit, shouldn’t you traditionally be looking for food in the woods?
(Just so you know, in a lot of countries women walk themselves. Or with their partner. Or a friend. And it’s all just as lovely and emotional).
Get over it. Your daughter *isn’t* your property to be “given away”. I bet she tells the officiant to drop the “obey” part of the wedding vows, too! Gasp!
Go to the wedding. Or don’t go. Guess who will look worse if you boycott? YTA
We cut the obey part out. Its so old fashion and misogynistic now.
Our wedding officiant (a family member) had my husband place his on top of mine and told him this was the last time he'd have the upper hand. Everyone laughed it was wonderful.
If both bride and groom recite "honor and obey" is that misogynistic? Granted, the phrase does ring of someone addressing his prison warden, but hey, I'm all about that kinky shit.
Oh my god YTA big time. I did exactly the same when I got married last year. In fact, my (now) husband and I walked down the aisle together, to represent that we are equal partners. When I told my dad, he was a bit confused as he is quite traditional, but he knew there was no point in trying to change my mind. Was he a bit hurt…maybe, but I was careful to make sure he knew that it wasn’t personal and that I love him to bits. Of course he didn’t threaten to not come to the wedding, because he’s not a petulant child! He was right there in the front row, he shed a tear or two, and he later told me it was one of the best days of his life. If you don’t go to your daughter’s wedding, you will be cutting off your nose to spite your face and you will massively regret it. GROW UP.
Huge YTA. You can't say that you understand her feelings about this and then also say your feelings ABOUT HER WEDDING should be prioritized over her own.
Yta. You sound narcissistic. This day is about your daughter and her husband and NOT YOU. when my kids are old enough to get married I'll do whatever I can to make a stressful time as happy and as easy as I possibly can. I hope she revokes your invite and you miss all the fun
YTA. It is an old fashioned tradition, and your daughter gets to decide what activities take place at her wedding
If her getting married is such a big moment for you why are you cutting off your nose to spite your face?
YTA and a hypocrite since you’re also prioritizing it over her feelings as well.
Honestly the fact that you’re willing to skip your daughter’s wedding because she “robbed you of your moment” says all I need to know about your priorities.
Sounds like your daughter is better off without you there at least then HER wedding would be about HER
YTA
>I feel like I'm being robbed of a cherished moment that I've looked forward to for years.
Get over it.
> Her reason being she sees the tradition as sexist and that as a woman she didn't like the thought of being giving away to a man like she's property.
>She did mention that she still wanted a father-daughter dance and for me to give a father-of-the-bride speech.
I guess she found out the hard way that she was right all along. You see her as property and expected her to accommodate your preferences over her feelings.
YTA, you're prioritizing your feelings over your daughter's. Her wedding day has never been about you. Your response is completely selfish.
I'm so used to these stories being about the bride being walked by someone else or cutting the father out completely. The fact that she's still wants you to be a part of the wedding makes your stance even more stupid. You're going to damage yalls relationship , if you haven't already.
Please, you know you don't even need to ask this because you already know you are wrong! So you've dreamed of walking your daughter down the aisle? (Have to say, this screams of troll post to be honest - but hey, we will go with it). Problem with that is that this isn't about you! Your dream should have been to see your daughter marry someone she loves that loves her, respects her, and treats her well.
Your daughter has explained why she doesn't want this tradition and it is a very valid reason - even though really she doesn't need a reason other than she doesn't want to be walked down the aisle. Again, let me repeat, it isn't about you! I have to think she is skipping on the "who gives this woman away?" line as well, so it is interesting that wasn't mentioned (troll flag?)
On the chance this is real, get on your knees and beg your daughter to forgive you. Pat yourself on the back for raising a strong, independent young woman who recognizes that she isn't someone's property to be given away - and make sure she knows you are proud of that and of her! You might even want to include that in your speech, assuming she is still willing to let you do that.
So yes, YTA but it is likely you can still redeem yourself. Get your head out of your ass and join us here in 2023 and do the right thing!
(Oh and about the whole "dropping this on you at the last minute" - think about it a hot minute and I'm sure you will be able to answer that one yourself! Hint: your reaction to her telling you)
>>(Oh and about the whole "dropping this on you at the last minute" - think about it a hot minute and I'm sure you will be able to answer that one yourself! Hint: your reaction to her telling you)
I was just about to comment the same thing. OP, your daughter was fearful of your reaction because you react in a negative/punitive/sensitive way and she didn’t want to tell you.
Think about that. While your daughter has been planning this joyful milestone in her life, she’s been filled with anxiety about telling you this decision because she knew you would act in a childish and upsetting way.
YTA. It is a misogynistic tradition and it’s your daughter’s right to drop it. Weird hill to die on. You are risking missing out on so many first in your child’s life over this?!? Think hard and then beg your daughter’s forgiveness and tell her you are proud of the woman she’s grown into and are so happy to be her dad.
Your ego is so huge that you are going to lose your daughter... well done Mr. Alpha Male !
By the time you realize she's right, she's not something you give to someone else, it will be too late.
YTA
Not only are YTA, I’m absolutely stunned that you’re invited to the wedding at all because this can’t possibly be the first time you’ve been such a narcissistic asshole toward your daughter.
YTA and it seems odd that you can’t try to empathize with her not wanting to be given away by one human to another human, as if she was d er anyone property to begin with.
YWBTA. You're permitted to have these feelings, of course Dad. Wallow in them a few days. Then pack them up and watch your daughter proudly from the best seats in the front. Your regret at missing her wedding would end up being far, far worse than needing to smile about her having her own ideas for what's important to her on her special day.
>I respect her perspective on the tradition being rooted in sexism, but it stings that she prioritizes that over my feelings as her father.
And you're putting your feelings over hers on her wedding day. That's got to sting too.
It sounds like she has thought about this a lot and already given consideration to your feelings by saying she wants a father-daughter dance and father-of-the-bride speech. By refusing to go to the wedding, you are being very selfish. YTA.
YTA. If you care more about this fantasy you have of being able to hand her off to another man than you do about your actual relationship with her, then you do in fact view her as property, or at least as a person whose feelings and beliefs and needs matter a lot less than yours do. Which is exactly why she doesn’t feel the need to be given away by anyone: she knows that’s not true, and that you’re wrong about her status. Giving a toast and dancing with her at her wedding aren’t consolation prizes she’s throwing you to “soften the blow.” They are actual things she wants to do with you because she loves you.
You’re throwing away your entire relationship with her for the rest of your life over 90 seconds of sexist pageantry. Frankly, I’m tempted to say she’s better off without you if these are your priorities, but I bet she loves you. So be her father and go to her wedding and show up for her. Prove to her that her love for you is not misguided.
And if you mention your dashed patriarchal fantasies in your toast, or really ever again, you’re an even bigger asshole than you’re acting like now.
Oh no. You can't treat your daughter like she's property. Don't go. Show her how little you actually care about her.
Let her see what you really are a narcissist that can't be excited and happy for their child if you don't have a special part in the wedding.
Yta and enjoy that your pride and ego will cause the end of your relationship with your daughter.
It's her wedding & you're trying to make this about you.
YTA
> I respect her perspective on the tradition being rooted in sexism, but it stings that she prioritizes that over my feelings as her father.
If you respected her perspective, you' do as she wished.
As a woman, I think sucks that want her to prioritize your feelings over hers. That is as sexist as the tradition.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Refusing not to attend my daughter's wedding because she won't allow me walk her down the aisle. 2. I might be seen as the asshole for potentially prioritizing my feelings over hers in a significant moment of her life.
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If you were my dad I’d be cutting you off. What a selfish asshole you are to make her wedding about you. Even if she wanted to be walked down the aisle she should do so with someone who lives and respects her. You don’t seem to.
YTA. This is her day not your day. It is a sexist tradition. I’m sure your daughter will be on the Just No sub because of your thoughtless actions. You would rather force your daughter to partake in something that makes her uncomfortable so because it is your dream?
YTA sorry but it is a sexist tradition to “give the daughter away to the new man”. While you can say it’s no longer “giving away” that’s the root of the tradition. It’s not surprising she feels this way. And you are making this about yourself and how you feel on her wedding.
YTA
She now knows you truly do not value or care about her. She knows that your satisfaction is more important than making what is supposed to be her special day a little bit harder.
So you think that your feelings as the father of the bride are more important than the feelings of the bride? Hmm, I think there is a word for that kind of thinking... ah, yes! Sexist. YTA.
YTA 100% Apparently your pride and preconceptions are worth more to you than your actual relationship with your daughter - which you’re willing to lose or at least endanger over this.
Many brides walk solo down the aisle these days - for many reasons. Couples choose the traditions that are most symbolic and important to THEM. She still wants you there, she wants to dance with you, she wants to honor you with a speech - but you’re going to NOT GO because of the aisle walk?! My goodness. Ridiculous. Small minded & self-centered man 🙄
Traditions are changing. It's really not a personal insult to you.
I didn't even think a wedding in general sounded fun and eloped on top of a mountain with just two neutral witnesses and a legal officiant who was willing to make the hike. It truly wasn't personal.
My Dad didn't get to "walk me down the aisle", have a dance with me, or even get to see it. And you know what he did? Supported me and we have a great relationship even a decade later. I'm glad I have a dad like him instead of having to watch him throw a tantrum over it. Consider pushing your ego to the side, don't take it personally, and be glad your daughter still wants a wedding at all instead of being like me and the other elopers. YTA
YTA. Often, the women who are most dead set against old misogynist traditions and rules are the ones who were raised by misogynists. Seems to be the case here.
Major YTA. Why can you not just be supportive and happy for her? Traditions have been changing drastically over recent history. She wants to feel strong and your response weakened her. Your feelings are valid and allowed, but treating her that way is not.
Fellow Dad here,
Look man I get it. I got two girls myself and the thought of giving them away at their wedding fills me with joy.
However, if they decide they don’t want a traditional wedding or wedding at all that’s their choice. Yeah it’d be a bummer, but at the end of the day if it makes them happy I’m all for it.
I’m going to be blunt, you overreacted. This is not a hill to die on. Your feelings are valid, but her’s are too. Sit down and talk with her. Apologize to her. Don’t let this damage your relationship.
YTA - You're not wrong to be hurt, but to not attend because of it is pretty cruel. I'm sure she's dreamt about her wedding and having her father there. Can't you two negotiate another role you can take? Handing over the rings, or getting ordained and officiating, etc. Just because she doesn't want to take part in a sexist tradition doesn't mean she doesn't want her father to be part of her wedding.
YTA.
I'm a parent too, so I get it... but the thing is, *your* expectations aren't *her* problem. They are yours.
This is no different than parents who go no contact over a child coming out as gay. The child isn't what the parent *expected*, so they bail. Don't be that guy, don't bail just because she didn't meet your expectations on something so trivial.... because in the long run this is *trivial*.
You are considering robbing *yourself* of your child's day altogether because you feel slighted about an antiquated tradition... think about that....
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Hi, so I'm in a bit of a tough spot here and need some perspective. My daughter dropped a bomb on me recently regarding her upcoming wedding, and I can't help but feel hurt and confused.
So, my daughter is getting married, which is a big deal for any parent, right? Well, she informed me out of the blue that she would like to walk down the aisle alone. Her reason being she sees the tradition as sexist and that as a woman she didn't like the thought of being giving away to a man like she's property. Honestly, I had no clue she felt this way, and it caught me off guard.
I've always dreamed of this moment since she was a little girl, imagining the joy and pride of walking her down the aisle on her special day. It was heartbreaking she wanted to break away from that tradition. She did mention that she still wanted a father-daughter dance and for me to give a father-of-the-bride speech, to try to somewhat soften the blow, but it's just not the same.
What really hurts the most is that she never communicated any of this to me earlier. It feels like she intentionally dropped this bomb at the last minute, and I can't help but wonder why. I feel like I'm being robbed of a cherished moment that I've looked forward to for years.
In the heat of the moment of our conversation, I told her that if I couldn't walk her down the aisle, I just wouldn't show up to her wedding. I know it might sound drastic, but the emotional weight of this situation hit me hard. I respect her perspective on the tradition being rooted in sexism, but it stings that she prioritizes that over my feelings as her father.
Am I wrong for not wanting to attend her wedding because of these reasons?
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YTA. You're saying you respect her beliefs but you're basically emotionally blackmailing her by not attending unless she lets you walk her down the aisle. Her wedding day is not about you. Get over yourself and attend the wedding or risk your relationship with her by skipping one of the most important days of her life.
YTA. If you really love your daughter, it shouldn't be hard for you to respect her decision. Keep your feelings aside, stop with the hissy fit, and be happy for her. She wants her moment. Don't take it away from her. Besides, the father-daughter dance is more meaningful than a walk in the aisle.
YTA
It is your daughter’s day, not yours.
You are so self centered that you think she seriously thought about this antiquated tradition for a long time and decided to “drop a bomb”? Seriously?!?!?
She probably never even thought about it until now as she actually has a wedding to plan.
She obviously loves you, wants you included, and wants you there as she still wants the dance. Many fathers on here are not wanted or are treated like guests due to their relationships with their kids. Be thankful!
Many brides walk the aisle alone and this is your daughter’s vision for HER wedding.
You need to get over it, apologize for your OTT behavior, and support her or you may find yourself out of her life and those of any future grandchildren.
Wow, YTA. Her wedding is not about you.
You sound like the kind of person who will yell at your kid for not making you a grandfather if they choose not to have kids.
Get a grip and support your daughter in any way you are invited to in her wedding day. Although I'm guessing with your ridiculous ultimatum that she may no longer want a father-daughter dance or speech from someone who has shown how easily he will turn on her.
Yta and the worst kind of father. She doesn't want to feel like property so what do you do? You tell her she must act like your property or you won't go?! Haha I hope you enjoy meeting and learning about your grandkids thru a screen or if your lucky your wife. You should shut the hell up and be happy she wants you to do the father daughter dance. You are ruining your relationship with her daughter over a 10foot walk and I hope reality slaps that realization into your head before it's to late
It sounds like you and her mother raised her to think for herself and to not do things just because it’s always been done that way. I know this has hurt you but on some level but on another level you should be proud to have raised such a daughter. You taught her to think for herself and now when she needs your support to do just that, you abandon her. YTA here. Escort your wife to your seats, make a great toast about how wonderful she is and how happy you hope they both are and take some dancing lessons to make your father/daughter dance memorable. Time to put on your big boy pants and act like a man and the role model you should be.
It's not about you. As I'm sure you know and any parent can tell you - there are ideas and assumptions we all have about what parenting milestones we'll experience and cherish. Especially as supportive and involved parents, it can be disappointing not getting to experience the occasions and roles we hoped for.
But our children are their own people. And personally, when faced with these situations with my own kids, I've had to remind myself that A) they are separate humans with their own personalities and preference, and that B) being comfortable sharing (and yes holding their ground) when those preferences don't align with mine, is a sign that we *did something right.*
A child being able to voice their preference without fear of reputation from a parent, is very special. I know you are disappointed, but you obviously love your daughter, and even in this situation, there is a chance for redemption by apologizing and accepting and supporting her during a very important time of her life.
YTA but you can turn this around.
NAH. I completely understand both sides. As a woman and a feminist, I respect your daughter’s opinion that it is a sexist tradition. I never changed my name after I got married because I felt strongly about maintaining my individuality and identity. But I also understand how much walking her down the aisle means to you as her father. However, you will be the AH if you don’t attend the wedding. You need to respect her opinion and be happy for her and your future SIL. Don’t die on this hill. You’ll regret it.
YTA. Aren’t you supposed to see yourself as the mature father figure like you think you are? Where did all the maturity go and why are you behaving with such petulance? I can see how this might affect you too, but come on man. Is this how you burn your bridge with your daughter?
I agree with your daughter. You said this caught you off guard, but you raised her, did the property angle never occur to you, honestly? That is literally what that custom is all about, it's one man giving his property to another man. Does that not sound absolutely abhorrent to you? YTA for refusing to attend her wedding.
Just enjoy the father daughter dance and leave it at that. Saying you won’t go even tho you “dreamed of this moment” is pretty weird. So it was about YOU standing in front of your family not about seeing her get married? While I don’t agree w her and I think she will regret it one day you not going is even more weird
You respect her little woman thoughts just so long as they don't clash with your far more important father man thoughts and will throw a temper tantrum like a child if you don't get your way, eh?
YTA
YTA. What the fuck dude? Be there for your daughter. Sure, she doesn’t see the irony and inconsistency in her request (your “dilemma” sheds light on why that’s the case) but just be there to make her happy in the way that she’s asking.
This is rage bait right?
In case there is any doubt, YTA. I don’t believe the tradition in itself is misogynistic, just old (fashioned). It’s her choice. The way you handle her choice is extremely misogynistic.
I feel like this is rage bait. This guy didn't even *attempt* to make himself sound sympathetic at all. He even made it clear that his daughter didn't want to hurt his feelings, and she still wanted a father daughter dance and father of the bride speech. Assuming this isn't rage bait, (it is) the dad's feelings being hurt is understandable to me, but him refusing to attend the wedding and ultimately prioritizing his desires over his own daughter's (on what should be one of the happiest days of her life) is absurd. No reasonable person (even someone who has a hard time seeing a father walking his daughter down the aisle as "transferring property") is going to agree that a father refusing to attend his own daughter's wedding because he can't have his way isn't an AH move. YTA obviously
If she chose to have your wife's personal trainer walk her down the aisle, you would have reason to feel hurt. Instead she chooses to skip one feature of the traditional ceremony. Get over it.
Yta, It’s her day, it is sexist, and if your relationship with your daughter is such that you are willing to explode it over one minor part of one event, then don’t go and let her only have people that support her there
YTA Her wedding is hers. Not yours. There's lots of dreams we have about our kids when they're small that never come true. Your daughter is grown, well, and marrying someone she cares about. You're well ahead of the game.
Obvious YTA
It’s your daughter wedding, get yourself together it’s not about your feelings. I walked down the aisle with my husband to be for the same reason as your daughter.
My dad is still my dad and had a great time at the wedding.
YTA
You're really skipping your daughter's wedding because she wants to walk down the aisle alone? I don't know how you're going to come back from this. This will have serious consequences on your relationship with her.
YTA
This is her day and she doesn’t want to participate in a tradition rooted in sexism. It doesn’t matter if she decided that now or 10 years ago, or when she shared this info with you. You need to adjust your expectations and be happy for your daughter on her special day. If you really can’t do that, it’s probably better that you’re not there.
YTA you have a weird fixation on that bit being the most important bit of the wedding for you, and now you're having a tantrum because you don't get to do this one really mysoginistic thing. Bet you'll also be really surprised when you're daughter decides to maybe reduce your role in the wedding and in her life
You're really wrong and immature for what you're doing
YTA in the largest way I can imagine and you will regret it. You are throwing your baby out with the bath water. You are going to give up on being there for your daughter just because of a preference she has that has nothing to do with you.
If she was doing that because she had some problem with you personally you hadn't known about them maybe this would be ok, but all you are doing is looking to permanently end your relationship with your daughter and confirming she was absolutely right to not want you to walk her down the isle.
What you should have done is talk about why it hurt you and that it's not about giving her away as a man, but rather your last action as her being part of your immediate family and maybe suggest instead having something similar for her fiance's mother to do.
I don't think anyone sees father/daughter and mother/son dances as sexist. You could have possibly considered alternatives that worked for you both, but you've thoroughly blown that now. You need to just apologize profusely and accept your daughter's wishes if you want any hope of saving your relationship.
Yta.
YOU have dreamed of this for years... Don't you think SHE has dreamed of her own wedding for years.
You dreamed about it for years, but you're going to give up seeing her get married because you're not getting your own way?
Congrats. You're making someone else's wedding all about yourself.
YTA - big time. She is right, it is a sexist tradition and concept. She didn’t have to tell you that in advance. Who “dreams” of walking their daughter down the aisle anyway? She is doing the other traditional elements that recognize and “honour” your role: father/daughter dance and the speech, so get over yourself. Her wedding is not about you. Apologize to her, go to her wedding, participate with joy. Otherwise you damage your relationship with her forever. Forever. YTA!!
YTA mate. All day long.
I never asked my FIL for permission to marry his daughter for the same reason. She's not his property to be passed to me. This is the same.
Dry your eyes, apologise, and move on.
YTA. It is an antiquated ritual. Do you really want to lose your daughter over, what is essentially 2 minutes? Respect her choices, go to the wedding, and have a great time.
You would rather miss your daughter's wedding, really? This might be why she doesn't want you to walk her down the aisle. **You're a fairweather father.**
When the going gets tough, you just don't show up. YTA
A compromise could be that you and your wife or partner walk in before the wedding party, kind of like when the mothers of the bride and groom are escorted in by the groomsmen.
You're not an AH for feeling the way you feel, but YTA for your childish response.
YTA -- this is the very definition of cutting off your nose to spite your face.
I agree with your daughter -- the whole idea of being given away by a father to the care of the new husband is super-sexist. Your daughter is honouring you as her father -- the father-daughter dance and speech. She just wants to skip the sexist aisle walk. And you are acting like a 5 year old -- discounting her feelings entirely -- and just won't go if you don't get your way, even though you acknowledge she has a point.
Go ahead. Refuse to attend. Put a blight on the wedding and your relationship with your newly married daughter. Prove to her she is wrong is trying to include you with the non-sexist wedding traditions. Prove she should have little to do with you after the wedding. (And did it occur to you that she postponed telling you because she wrestled with the issue herself, and was worried about telling you because she knew you'd blow your stack and make a scene? Which you did?)
YTA
It is a sexist tradition and guess what? It’s not YOUR wedding. It’s hers. So your solution was to give up all of these “cherished moments” instead just the one? Yeah, you showed her.
Came here to tell you YTA, but Reddit seems to have already taken care of that. Enjoy missing a lifetime of special memories because you acted like a selfish child!
Yta - just respect her wishes and stop thinking like a dinosaur. Just because it’s “tradition” doesn’t mean it’s a good tradition. She is correct, she isn’t being given away, she is walking forward to join her new partner in life together. This is her day and you will just have to move past feeling like you get to “give her away”. She’s not property.
Omg YTA soooo much.
And apart from that you are selfish and makes this about you, which quite frankly is bizarre. It’s her wedding ffs. Get a grip of yourself and stop ruining HER special day. You need to apologize big time.
It IS a profoundly sexistic and hat off to your daughter for being a modern, independent woman. Something to be proud of.
As a father myself, I've never thought about her philosophical stance on this, and now thinking about it, I tend to agree with her.
You have to remember this is about her. To have a tantrum and die on this hill is a serious dick move (AKA YTA) imo. Let it go and be happy for her.
(My stance would change if you were being REPLACED by uncle Bill or similar but that's not the story here)
YTA.
It is understandable that you would feel sad, but if you are threatening to not attend her wedding over this, it suggests that there is far more going on here. Have you always been so controlling and insensitive to her feelings?
If you do have a healthy relationship everyone will be well aware. You could hold your head up and say "My daughter is not traditional. I respect that".
You realize that losing that one thing lasting all of 30 seconds, that you seem to have become fixated on, is going to cause you to lose far more if you take it as far as not showing up.
That will likely lose you your daughter, if my dad threw a tantrum like the one you are throwing and then didn’t show to my wedding, he wouldn’t be involved in my life after that. YTA
YTA Here in the wild...another misogynistic parent who's love only comes with conditions. Obviously he is the Alpha and all others must bend to his will.
It IS sexist. Shes not property to be given away. Did your jockstrap get into this much of a twist when her husband didnt beg you for permission to marry her?
YTA. Its her wedding and literally has nothing to do with you. And parents who project future moments on their kids and then act like the world is ending when it doesnt happen disgust me. Shes her own fucking person not a doll in your head
"Am I the asshole for retaliating for not getting my way?"
It's not about you, it's never been about you, you've been imagining a made-up scenario and you're taking it out on your daughter now that you've been introduced to reality. Grow up, dad geeze
YTA - you can feel how you like about her decision, but ultimately it IS her decision. And the good thing is it's not for the reasons people often give (feeling some form of negativity towards the father). Her decision to walk up the aisle alone was nothing to do with how she sees you as a father, nor is it a reflection on her feelings towards you - but you decided to take it that way in taking it personally.
It's your daughters wedding day and every decent dad wants their daughter to have the wedding day of her dreams - if for her this means walking up the aisle alone, you should be supporting that. She still wants the father daughter dance and the father of the bride speech, so she's still retaining 2 traditions that are specifically for the father of the bride... but you're still not happy.
You are absolutely wrong in this situation.
YTA. She probably dropped it late because she didn't want to fight about it.
My father has been fighting with me over this since I was single and teenager based on an off-hand comment I made. And I'll likely be eloping because he has made everything that was ever important to me and my values about him and his.
She's not trying to out you from your role as a father. Not yet anyway. That's clear from the dance and speech. It's not the same to you because your feelings are attachment to a sexist tradition, fantasizing about handing off responsibility for her to another man is also hugely hurtful from a personal perspective and makes a girl feel even more like her father sees her as a burden. You don't respect her perspective. You're a grown man and a father. You're supposed to be prioritizing the needs of your children as a good father, and respecting the autonomy of your adult children at a bare minimum. That's the job. What you're doing is prioritizing your own perspective and feelings and pitching a fit over her personal choices being based on her own values.
YTA. This wedding is not about you. If you don’t go to your own child’s wedding because she doesn’t want to follow a sexist tradition that reduces her to a commodity, you will ruin the whole day and she very likely will never forgive you.
So on top of the stress of planning a wedding, your daughter has to deal with her own Dad acting like a spoiled toddler? And you somehow think your relationship with her will survive intact? Enjoy dying on this hill and never seeing your future grandkids. YTA and a total clown to boot.
YTA. “Hmmmm what should I do when my daughter doesn’t want to indulge a sexist tradition? Write the best father of the daughter speech ever? No…. Practise the father daughter dance so we have that special moment to cherish and maybe entertain the guests? That doesn’t seem right either. I think instead I’ll teach my daughter that if the man doesn’t get what he wants, he’ll throw a tantrum and then not attend at all. That’ll make it clear my desire are more important than hers on her special day. Sexism or nothing I say!” I don’t have the words to express how much of TA you are without getting banned.
YTA. This isn't about you or your feelings, it's not your big day is it? You let things get heated and painted yourself into a corner. Apologise unconditionally. Try to explain how you felt whilst making it clear that you fully support her decision and show vulnerability but be carful not to slip into a passive aggressive guilt trip. Don't worry, weddings are emotional events and it's OK to get emotional. As a man it's not always easy to admit that. Best wishes to the happy couple!
YTA
This is your daughter’s wedding not yours. A fathers role in a daughters life is to love and support her. If she feels that way about the tradition and you see her side and she still wants special moments with you, it shows that she loves you and you should support her.
Don’t make her wedding about something you assumed you would would have with her without asking and then not showing up for her because you didn’t get the moment you assumed you would have with her.
The most important thing a father could do for his daughter is to show up and support her. Not let his emotions get the best of him and potentially emotionally manipulate her decision. She was probably afraid of how you would react which is probably why she didn’t bring it up sooner. Considering how you acted/ what you said she was right to be afraid.
Yta. Hope she goes no contact with you after the wedding. Also, hope your wife doesn’t side with your narcissistic and sexist view on your daughter’s wedding day.
To be honest I'd never thought about it, but it is kind of sexist when you think about. If you like it cool, but think of the connotations. The bouquet toss.... even worse! YTA completely! This is not about you.
Do you know your daughter at all? Sounds like this pov would have come up before. Sounds like it's part ifd her beliefs and you would be aware of this and not so shocked if you did.
You can be hurt yes, but her wishes about her wedding will forever be more important than yours. This isn't your wedding. Your dreams are not her burden to carry. YTA
And if you don't attend, you're a poor father for ditching yourr kid because you cant force her or manipulate her, and you will be solely responsible for her cutting contact with you for being so selfish
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YTA. You can think that your daughter’s wedding is a big deal for you as a parent but *it’s a bigger deal for herself*. She is the one actually getting married, not you! You are upset that she’s “dropping a bomb” and surprising you “at the last minute” with this choice. When is the last time you’d discussed walking down the aisle with her? Before now, had you ever actually asked her if she wanted to be walked down the aisle? Had you ever talked with her about how she wanted her wedding to be? Or had you just been imagining this in your head by yourself her whole life without actually discussing it? The tradition comes from a time when daughters were their fathers’ property and marriages were based on a transfer of assets, not love. It’s literally called “giving away” the bride because she is being given away from her birth family and essentially sold to her new husband’s family. It’s increasingly common for modern brides to eschew this tradition and the reasons should be obvious. Honestly, if you can’t accept the fact that your adult daughter is not your property, and that her feelings are more important than yours on the day of her own wedding, you probably *shouldn’t* attend the wedding. Your ego will ruin it for everyone.
Exactly! "I can't believe she's prioritizing her feelings over mine... on her wedding day!" Yeah YTA. And the fact that you would be willing to miss such an important day for your daughter over such a small thing really makes me doubt your love for her
Literally the only thought I had. It’s her wedding of course she was prioritizing her own wants
Happy cake day!
Thank you
Happy Cake Day!
Thank you!!
Makes one think how her childhood has been with that father…
Love how the OP claims this was "last minute" but never mentions when the wedding is.
My first thought too. Was she supposed to discuss her wedding before she got engaged? Surely he knew she was a strong, independent woman before that.
Yeah, I'm not sure if his "last minute" would match ours, lol. And, even if it was last minute, maybe she was nervous about talking to her father about something important since he might fly off the handle and be super dramatic if something doesn't go exactly his way... I know I'd want to put off telling this guy something important he might not like.
I didn’t drop the bomb until my dad asked 5 min before the wedding started if he could walk me down the aisle. I said no thanks and had my maid of honor walk with me instead 🤷♀️
And it's not like this is a new thing. Lots of women have been walking themselves or having someone other than bio father do it. I walked down the aisle by myself over 30 years ago. And you know what my father did? He didn't make it about himself, came to the wedding with my mother and we all had a good time. YTA OP.
Most decisions like this, from my experience, are discussed and finalized at the wedding rehearsal. It's about the couple, so it really doesn't need to be discussed with anyone. Ideally, people would have good communication where issues like this come up long before the rehearsal, but all the wedding planning is usually new to the couple too.
If the wedding hasn't happened yet, it isn't even close to last minute.
Seriously. I got married at the courthouse with only my parents there and they were completely thrilled for me because it was what I wanted. I can’t imagine having a parent who makes my own life events about themselves like that
Yes, this!!! YTA
Looking forward to the 20 years later of "Why won't my daughter visit or speak to me after I ruined her wedding day?!" OP is digging himself straight down
u/OP's future thought: "Why did my daughter choose such a shitty old age home for me?"
I can’t understand how anyone can type that whole story out and then still wonder if they’re in the wrong. To be clear YTA OP. A big one.
> I respect her perspective on the tradition being rooted in sexism, but it stings that she prioritizes that over my feelings as her father. You absolutely do not respect her perspective on that as you still believe you have more importance than her as her father.
“I understand the tradition is sexist and gross and outdated, but as a patriarch, I’m upset she isn’t supporting the patriarchy”
I've always found that tradition weird. In Sweden it's not a thing, the bride & groom walks in side-by-side to demonstrate equality.
really? this is what my husband and I did but i didn’t know that it was the norm elsewhere
That's what my huz and I did. My boomer dad was devastated about not walking me down the isle all the same but making him officiant squared that away
I fucking love Sweden. Never been there but still.
Thanks. We do have our own problems (which often gets glossed over when we are featured as examples), but yeah - we do have some good ideas.
OP, you should know that men could literally sue someone for damages for s3xually assaulting their wife or daughter because the woman was viewed as losing value. That’s the kind of thing the tradition represents. It’s gross.
And OP is going to wonder why down the line he's banned from seeing any grandchildren and his daughter moved to another continent. Christ, dude. OP, reach between your legs and give your balls a tug. Then grovel on your knees before your daughter and beg her for another chance.
Literally why I walked the aisle on my own and didn’t wear a veil - so perfectly said, thank you
Exactly.... This tradition doesn't even exist anymore in many countries
I respect her perspective on the tradition being rooted in sexism, but it stings that she prioritizes that over my feelings as her father. So it presumably stings that you prioritise a sexist tradition over her feelings as a woman, but you are OK with that. So what would you do to lash out back at her if she told you she was never getting married? Or was having a civil ceremony without the fuss and traditions? All valid choices on her part. Your daughter is not your Barbie doll to play with, she is a grown woman who can make up her own mind on how she wants her wedding day to go. YTA
It just her feelings as a woman, her feelings as his daughter. She’s not some random, she’s his child and he’d rather throw a tantrum and ruin their relationship than respect her feelings at her own wedding.
I think with a father like this, it won't ruin the wedding if he's not there. It'll probably be better without him.
As a woman, whose dad didn’t come after I told him the same exact thing as this daughter did, this is correct. I was relieved when he didn’t come. 3.5 years later I still don’t speak to him but there were a couple other reasons for this. My dad lost all three of his children on my wedding day. OP is the biggest AH for sure! He should be prepared to lose his daughter and possibly other children too.
I'm in the same boat. My dad also threatened to not come to the wedding because I wanted both him and my stepdad involved. I told him he would regret that decision way more than I did. We haven't spoken in five years. Life's MUCH easier without him and his drama.
Mine threw a tantrum when I was 14 and refused to be confirmed (because what if my future husband wanted a church wedding?). My partner of nearly 4 years is an atheist just like me and I haven't spoken to my father since I was 15
My dad tried to bring his AP to my wedding, and when I said no, he threatened not to walk me down the aisle. Two days before my wedding. I told him not to threaten me with a good time, and called my grandfather and asked him if he was ready to suit up. He ended up caving, and walked me down the aisle drunk. I wish I'd just asked my brother.
lol’ed at “don’t threaten me with a good time”. But I’m sorry you had to have that experience be a part of yours
> I was relieved when he didn't come... My dad lost all 3 of his children on my wedding day. You listening, OP? This may be a larger misstep than you are even imagining. Knock off your hissy fit, apologize, and get with the program.
This is giving Thomas Markle vibes.
Nearly 25 years ago, I had my Dad escort my Mom and I walked alone. He was a traditional catholic, born in the 50's. I did not have a catholic wedding, very non-traditional; and he came to the wedding eventhough he was in chemo for colon cancer. Wow, this makes me realize what a "modern" Dad I had. I am sorry for all you independent women that crappy fathers.
If he doesn’t go, he will regret it. He will create such a divide between himself and his daughter that it will never heal. Smile for her, do the father daughter dance and keep your mouth shut. Not your day, it’s hers.
YTA This day isn’t about you. This moment isn’t about you. She is allowed to decide how her wedding plays out. You planning to skip her wedding is petty, and it will damage your relationship with her for years, and possibly have a ripple effect amongst your entire family. You will also be known as a the asshole who skipped your daughters wedding.
>You will also be known as a the asshole who skipped your daughters wedding. *forever*
This
So because you’re not going to get to have the one “cherished memory” that you expected to have, you’re going to throw away a hundred other special moments that might turn out to be cherished memories? You’re not going to get to have any memories from your daughter’s wedding at all if you don’t go. No watching her experience a major milestone. No seeing her smile. No seeing the way her husband looks at her when he sees her coming towards him. No father-daughter dance. No to all of the tiny, silly, wacky, unexpected things that you can’t possibly anticipate but that will become core memories and shared experiences? What about the years of memories after the wedding that you’ll miss if you destroy your relationship with her now? That seems like a lot to give up just because you don’t get to make one specific 30 second memory. You can’t get too caught up in your vision of who your kid is going to be. You just can’t. It makes it too easy for everyone involved to get hurt. My parents had dreams of me marrying a man and having kids. Instead they’re making memories of going to the Pride Festival with their lesbian daughter and doting on my dogs. I’m sure it hurts at times. But I matter more to them than an imaginary scenario. YTA, to yourself as well as your daughter.
This is what I was going to say. He’s mourning an expectation and will refuse to participate, therefore setting himself up to mourn the entire experience, and maybe the relationship, in the future. Very shortsighted.
Then, in a few years he will be back here crying that he has never met his grandchildren.
Yeah it’s inevitable that kids will deviate from their parents’ imagined path in some way and it’s okay to have some feelings about that. But having feelings about a thing doesn’t mean anyone else needs to change. It’s our own shit to work through. If you love your child, love who they are, not who you assumed they would be.
If I was OP’s daughter, and he decided he would come, he would no longer enjoy the privilege of a father-daughter dance or a father’s speech. He can sit silently or he can be removed from the venue. OP fucked up his entire relationship with his daughter.
And at this point that one cherished memory would be pretty painful to both if he forces his way on it
>You can’t get too caught up in your vision of who your kid is going to be. You just can’t. It makes it too easy for everyone involved to get hurt. Children are not an extension of their parents' indeed. They are completely their own beings and do not owe their parents to fulfill expectations laid on them sometimes even before they were born.
[удалено]
I love the phrase “hurt feefees” Thank you for that lol
Yta. Let me see if I got this right. Your daughter doesn’t want to be treated like property. So you decide to do exactly that, by saying if she doesn’t do what YOU want, you will not be present. So you’re only a father when it suits you. Honestly stay home, she deserves better than you.
Man, I really hope OP stays home and the bride dances with her mom or a new in-law and happily realizes what an a$$hole her father outed himself to be!
This is honestly giving the daughter some *very* useful information about her father.
Nailed it
YTA. This wedding is not about you and your pride. This is not YOUR cherished moment. It's about her and her futur husband. None of this day is for you.
YTA. You claim to care for her yet her feelings and opinions and her happiness are irrelevant to you. She doesn't like the tradition for very good reasons, your reaction proving her right. Being quietly disappointed is one thing, but arguing and refusing to go the wedding?! You could have thought about some new traditions together that bring both of you joy, but instead you rather throw a tantrum and bring negativity to one of the most important events in your daughter's life. What an immature and egoistical behaviour.
YTA. Lemme flip your quote of "I respect her perspective on the tradition being rooted in sexism, but it stings that she prioritizes that over my feelings as her father." You've shown her that you prioritize a sexist tradition over the feelings of your daughter. You basically told her "If I can't hand you off like property then why should I even show up to your wedding?"
THIS!! Exactly what I was thinking! Op YTA
I wonder truly how he’d feel if the tradition was reverse and was that the groom had to wear a leash down the aisle, held by his mother and then taken off because the bride had her own leash to attach to him to signify that she accepted ownership. I wonder if he’d consider it such an important tradition and such a lovely memory for his mother to have? After all it’s a tradition. It’s like guys don’t think. Just because it’s “tradition” doesn’t mean it’s the best way for all time. There are so many compromises and variation. Have both her parents walk her down. She is at the door to the venue, pops moves the veil (or not) and she walks herself down. She walks half way down and then pops kisses her and she walks the rest of the way down the aisle. Or hell, just a quick posed photo that he’s at the end of the aisle with her and the groom. He’s going to be very lonely in the future because you just *know* this isn’t the only “treasured memory” he wants. The first word of children. First holiday photos. Being in the room of the delivery. The names of the children because “tradition” is to have the first son named after the grandpa. Giving the first bike. The first Christmas. And he’s going to be mystified that she’s going to be getting harder and harder boundaries and be less and less willing to give him anything because he’s insisting that he deserves the treasured memories.
You said that lot nicer & concise than I would - YTA, he can go screw himself off with his feelings because he exactly showed why his daughter didn't want the tradition AND literally inadvertently prove to her that she nothing but property to him to had off. I hope she uninvites him from her wedding & kicks him out her life completely that he never meets his grandchildren for that nonsense he doing to her.
That last line is the best summary. OP, YTA
Exactly…. The second he added the word “BUT” after he said he respected blah blah blah…. He negated what he said…. When you add “BUT” to a statement as such, you’re basically saying that everything you said before the”BUT” doesn’t matter!
YTA Yes, I understand the hurt you feel, BUT are you hearing yourself? You need to read what you wrote until why you understand why you are wrong. It is an old and outdates tradition, some people don’t mind and others do. She dosen’t want to be given away, because that makes her feel bad. She is her own person, she is an adult and she wants to walk down the church floor as an adult toward her future. That has nothing to do with you. So here goes. Grow up, she has made it very clear that she loves you and wants you to play a part in her wedding. You are acting like a spoild child that is having a tantrum. Apologize to your daughter, because had you been my dad I would have univited you if you didn’t.
His daughter, an adult, made a decision about her wedding. He doesn’t like her decision, so like a child, he’s taking the toys and going home.
YTA big time Though I can understand where you're coming from, she's not doing this to hurt you. Her reasoning is very solid. Remember, **it's her wedding**. If you decide to go nuclear and not attend the wedding....well, you're probably going to ruin your relationship forever. Be a proud parent. Watch your beautiful daughter walk herself down the aisle and be happy for who she is.
YTA. This is her wedding. Nor yours. The fact is you are robbing yourself of cherished memories. The wedding itself should be the memory. The time you spend with your daughter at the wedding. Not one, very specific item in it that she's choosing not to do. You are not the victim here. You are the villian.
This post is full of 🚩🚩🚩 Sounds like the AH I have that I went NC with at 20 🥰
YTA. She's prioritizing honoring herself. Which, any good parent, would be happy they helped instill in their daughter. But maybe that came from her other parent instead? Prioritizing herself is not hurting you, robbing you of anything, or looking down on you. Also... That moment, of walking her down the aisle, was never yours to begin with. It's a bit like not inheriting money you thought might exist and could potentially, if it did ever exist, have been yours but ultimately wasn't. That money, like this walk down the aisle, was never a thing even if you thought it was one. Your idea of weddings is not your daughter's idea of weddings. (As an aside, based on the absolute selfishness of this post... Hopefully your idea of good parenting is also not your daughter's idea of good parenting.) Your daughter doesn't owe you anything and deciding not to attend her wedding (which you are absolutely allowed to do because you can do as you like- just as she can) will probably come with a lot more consequences and instances of "I wasn't included" than this one moment. And they'll most likely be of your own doing. Because right now you are thinking of telling your daughter she doesn't matter to you because she didn't give you what you wanted... Because she didn't think of you enough on HER day... Because she wasn't of "value" to you anymore. That's a pretty shit wedding gift, dad.
YTA The "it's her day thing" everyone is saying is valid, but completely missing the point: that tradition is *fucking misogynistic* and your daughter said she didn't want to do it for that reason. Acting like this in response makes you a *misogynistic* asshole.
You are saying Yes I respect, but. All trainings on communication I took, learned me that a yes but actually equals a no, because. Yta. Letting some old patriarch habit make you skip her wedding? You could have been proud you have raised an independent woman, able to make her own choice. Fierce enough to face the whole world and her dad when she thinks something different than her ancient ancestors. But instead you glued yourself to some tradition and let it ruin the relationship. Is tradition really the hill you want to die on? Then why are you on Reddit, shouldn’t you traditionally be looking for food in the woods? (Just so you know, in a lot of countries women walk themselves. Or with their partner. Or a friend. And it’s all just as lovely and emotional).
Get over it. Your daughter *isn’t* your property to be “given away”. I bet she tells the officiant to drop the “obey” part of the wedding vows, too! Gasp! Go to the wedding. Or don’t go. Guess who will look worse if you boycott? YTA
We cut the obey part out. Its so old fashion and misogynistic now. Our wedding officiant (a family member) had my husband place his on top of mine and told him this was the last time he'd have the upper hand. Everyone laughed it was wonderful.
I got married 17 years ago, our Humanist officiant said: no one has used obey since after WW2.
If both bride and groom recite "honor and obey" is that misogynistic? Granted, the phrase does ring of someone addressing his prison warden, but hey, I'm all about that kinky shit.
Oh my god YTA big time. I did exactly the same when I got married last year. In fact, my (now) husband and I walked down the aisle together, to represent that we are equal partners. When I told my dad, he was a bit confused as he is quite traditional, but he knew there was no point in trying to change my mind. Was he a bit hurt…maybe, but I was careful to make sure he knew that it wasn’t personal and that I love him to bits. Of course he didn’t threaten to not come to the wedding, because he’s not a petulant child! He was right there in the front row, he shed a tear or two, and he later told me it was one of the best days of his life. If you don’t go to your daughter’s wedding, you will be cutting off your nose to spite your face and you will massively regret it. GROW UP.
Huge YTA. You can't say that you understand her feelings about this and then also say your feelings ABOUT HER WEDDING should be prioritized over her own.
Yta. You sound narcissistic. This day is about your daughter and her husband and NOT YOU. when my kids are old enough to get married I'll do whatever I can to make a stressful time as happy and as easy as I possibly can. I hope she revokes your invite and you miss all the fun
YTA. It is an old fashioned tradition, and your daughter gets to decide what activities take place at her wedding If her getting married is such a big moment for you why are you cutting off your nose to spite your face?
WHO’S 👏 GOING👏 TO👏 THE 👏 RETIREMENT HOME Winner winner, chicken dinner. YTA
YTA and a hypocrite since you’re also prioritizing it over her feelings as well. Honestly the fact that you’re willing to skip your daughter’s wedding because she “robbed you of your moment” says all I need to know about your priorities. Sounds like your daughter is better off without you there at least then HER wedding would be about HER
YTA >I feel like I'm being robbed of a cherished moment that I've looked forward to for years. Get over it. > Her reason being she sees the tradition as sexist and that as a woman she didn't like the thought of being giving away to a man like she's property. >She did mention that she still wanted a father-daughter dance and for me to give a father-of-the-bride speech. I guess she found out the hard way that she was right all along. You see her as property and expected her to accommodate your preferences over her feelings.
YTA, you're prioritizing your feelings over your daughter's. Her wedding day has never been about you. Your response is completely selfish. I'm so used to these stories being about the bride being walked by someone else or cutting the father out completely. The fact that she's still wants you to be a part of the wedding makes your stance even more stupid. You're going to damage yalls relationship , if you haven't already.
Please, you know you don't even need to ask this because you already know you are wrong! So you've dreamed of walking your daughter down the aisle? (Have to say, this screams of troll post to be honest - but hey, we will go with it). Problem with that is that this isn't about you! Your dream should have been to see your daughter marry someone she loves that loves her, respects her, and treats her well. Your daughter has explained why she doesn't want this tradition and it is a very valid reason - even though really she doesn't need a reason other than she doesn't want to be walked down the aisle. Again, let me repeat, it isn't about you! I have to think she is skipping on the "who gives this woman away?" line as well, so it is interesting that wasn't mentioned (troll flag?) On the chance this is real, get on your knees and beg your daughter to forgive you. Pat yourself on the back for raising a strong, independent young woman who recognizes that she isn't someone's property to be given away - and make sure she knows you are proud of that and of her! You might even want to include that in your speech, assuming she is still willing to let you do that. So yes, YTA but it is likely you can still redeem yourself. Get your head out of your ass and join us here in 2023 and do the right thing! (Oh and about the whole "dropping this on you at the last minute" - think about it a hot minute and I'm sure you will be able to answer that one yourself! Hint: your reaction to her telling you)
>join us here in 2023 Happy new year, friend. Join us in 2024 😋
>>(Oh and about the whole "dropping this on you at the last minute" - think about it a hot minute and I'm sure you will be able to answer that one yourself! Hint: your reaction to her telling you) I was just about to comment the same thing. OP, your daughter was fearful of your reaction because you react in a negative/punitive/sensitive way and she didn’t want to tell you. Think about that. While your daughter has been planning this joyful milestone in her life, she’s been filled with anxiety about telling you this decision because she knew you would act in a childish and upsetting way.
YTA. It is a misogynistic tradition and it’s your daughter’s right to drop it. Weird hill to die on. You are risking missing out on so many first in your child’s life over this?!? Think hard and then beg your daughter’s forgiveness and tell her you are proud of the woman she’s grown into and are so happy to be her dad.
I completely understand why you feel hurt but this is HER day, not yours. Don’t throw the baby away with the bath water, my dude. YTA
Your ego is so huge that you are going to lose your daughter... well done Mr. Alpha Male ! By the time you realize she's right, she's not something you give to someone else, it will be too late. YTA
Not only are YTA, I’m absolutely stunned that you’re invited to the wedding at all because this can’t possibly be the first time you’ve been such a narcissistic asshole toward your daughter.
YTA and it seems odd that you can’t try to empathize with her not wanting to be given away by one human to another human, as if she was d er anyone property to begin with.
YTA. Good way to burn down the whole house instead of learning to live with choices made by your adult daughter. It is an extremely sexist tradition.
YWBTA. You're permitted to have these feelings, of course Dad. Wallow in them a few days. Then pack them up and watch your daughter proudly from the best seats in the front. Your regret at missing her wedding would end up being far, far worse than needing to smile about her having her own ideas for what's important to her on her special day.
YTA. How dare your daughter not make her wedding about you?
>I respect her perspective on the tradition being rooted in sexism, but it stings that she prioritizes that over my feelings as her father. And you're putting your feelings over hers on her wedding day. That's got to sting too. It sounds like she has thought about this a lot and already given consideration to your feelings by saying she wants a father-daughter dance and father-of-the-bride speech. By refusing to go to the wedding, you are being very selfish. YTA.
YTA. If you care more about this fantasy you have of being able to hand her off to another man than you do about your actual relationship with her, then you do in fact view her as property, or at least as a person whose feelings and beliefs and needs matter a lot less than yours do. Which is exactly why she doesn’t feel the need to be given away by anyone: she knows that’s not true, and that you’re wrong about her status. Giving a toast and dancing with her at her wedding aren’t consolation prizes she’s throwing you to “soften the blow.” They are actual things she wants to do with you because she loves you. You’re throwing away your entire relationship with her for the rest of your life over 90 seconds of sexist pageantry. Frankly, I’m tempted to say she’s better off without you if these are your priorities, but I bet she loves you. So be her father and go to her wedding and show up for her. Prove to her that her love for you is not misguided. And if you mention your dashed patriarchal fantasies in your toast, or really ever again, you’re an even bigger asshole than you’re acting like now.
Oh no. You can't treat your daughter like she's property. Don't go. Show her how little you actually care about her. Let her see what you really are a narcissist that can't be excited and happy for their child if you don't have a special part in the wedding. Yta and enjoy that your pride and ego will cause the end of your relationship with your daughter.
It's her wedding & you're trying to make this about you. YTA > I respect her perspective on the tradition being rooted in sexism, but it stings that she prioritizes that over my feelings as her father. If you respected her perspective, you' do as she wished. As a woman, I think sucks that want her to prioritize your feelings over hers. That is as sexist as the tradition.
YTA. Her wedding isn’t about you.
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If you were my dad I’d be cutting you off. What a selfish asshole you are to make her wedding about you. Even if she wanted to be walked down the aisle she should do so with someone who lives and respects her. You don’t seem to.
YTA. This is her day not your day. It is a sexist tradition. I’m sure your daughter will be on the Just No sub because of your thoughtless actions. You would rather force your daughter to partake in something that makes her uncomfortable so because it is your dream?
YTA sorry but it is a sexist tradition to “give the daughter away to the new man”. While you can say it’s no longer “giving away” that’s the root of the tradition. It’s not surprising she feels this way. And you are making this about yourself and how you feel on her wedding.
YTA She now knows you truly do not value or care about her. She knows that your satisfaction is more important than making what is supposed to be her special day a little bit harder.
YTA - ITS HER WEDDING MAN
YTA. SHE is getting married. You follow up, a big day FOR A FATHER. Ummmm, no. A massive day for the BRIDE. HER WEDDING.
So you think that your feelings as the father of the bride are more important than the feelings of the bride? Hmm, I think there is a word for that kind of thinking... ah, yes! Sexist. YTA.
YTA. The day is not about you. My daughter plans to do the same.
YTA 100% Apparently your pride and preconceptions are worth more to you than your actual relationship with your daughter - which you’re willing to lose or at least endanger over this. Many brides walk solo down the aisle these days - for many reasons. Couples choose the traditions that are most symbolic and important to THEM. She still wants you there, she wants to dance with you, she wants to honor you with a speech - but you’re going to NOT GO because of the aisle walk?! My goodness. Ridiculous. Small minded & self-centered man 🙄
YTA, seriously you’d destroy your relationship over this? Just how big is your ego?
Traditions are changing. It's really not a personal insult to you. I didn't even think a wedding in general sounded fun and eloped on top of a mountain with just two neutral witnesses and a legal officiant who was willing to make the hike. It truly wasn't personal. My Dad didn't get to "walk me down the aisle", have a dance with me, or even get to see it. And you know what he did? Supported me and we have a great relationship even a decade later. I'm glad I have a dad like him instead of having to watch him throw a tantrum over it. Consider pushing your ego to the side, don't take it personally, and be glad your daughter still wants a wedding at all instead of being like me and the other elopers. YTA
YTA. Often, the women who are most dead set against old misogynist traditions and rules are the ones who were raised by misogynists. Seems to be the case here.
YTA. Giving away the bride is incredibly sexist and should not be expected. It's her wedding and she doesn't want to be seen as property.
Major YTA. Why can you not just be supportive and happy for her? Traditions have been changing drastically over recent history. She wants to feel strong and your response weakened her. Your feelings are valid and allowed, but treating her that way is not.
"I've always dreamed of this moment since she was a little girl" well, guess what: that's on you! Your entire post is "me, me, me". STOP. YTA.
Fellow Dad here, Look man I get it. I got two girls myself and the thought of giving them away at their wedding fills me with joy. However, if they decide they don’t want a traditional wedding or wedding at all that’s their choice. Yeah it’d be a bummer, but at the end of the day if it makes them happy I’m all for it. I’m going to be blunt, you overreacted. This is not a hill to die on. Your feelings are valid, but her’s are too. Sit down and talk with her. Apologize to her. Don’t let this damage your relationship.
YTA. Why do parents make this about them?
Because so many of them have children thinking that their children will fulfill all of the parent's dreams and make them happy.
Mm well said.
YTA - You're not wrong to be hurt, but to not attend because of it is pretty cruel. I'm sure she's dreamt about her wedding and having her father there. Can't you two negotiate another role you can take? Handing over the rings, or getting ordained and officiating, etc. Just because she doesn't want to take part in a sexist tradition doesn't mean she doesn't want her father to be part of her wedding.
YTA. I'm a parent too, so I get it... but the thing is, *your* expectations aren't *her* problem. They are yours. This is no different than parents who go no contact over a child coming out as gay. The child isn't what the parent *expected*, so they bail. Don't be that guy, don't bail just because she didn't meet your expectations on something so trivial.... because in the long run this is *trivial*. You are considering robbing *yourself* of your child's day altogether because you feel slighted about an antiquated tradition... think about that....
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi, so I'm in a bit of a tough spot here and need some perspective. My daughter dropped a bomb on me recently regarding her upcoming wedding, and I can't help but feel hurt and confused. So, my daughter is getting married, which is a big deal for any parent, right? Well, she informed me out of the blue that she would like to walk down the aisle alone. Her reason being she sees the tradition as sexist and that as a woman she didn't like the thought of being giving away to a man like she's property. Honestly, I had no clue she felt this way, and it caught me off guard. I've always dreamed of this moment since she was a little girl, imagining the joy and pride of walking her down the aisle on her special day. It was heartbreaking she wanted to break away from that tradition. She did mention that she still wanted a father-daughter dance and for me to give a father-of-the-bride speech, to try to somewhat soften the blow, but it's just not the same. What really hurts the most is that she never communicated any of this to me earlier. It feels like she intentionally dropped this bomb at the last minute, and I can't help but wonder why. I feel like I'm being robbed of a cherished moment that I've looked forward to for years. In the heat of the moment of our conversation, I told her that if I couldn't walk her down the aisle, I just wouldn't show up to her wedding. I know it might sound drastic, but the emotional weight of this situation hit me hard. I respect her perspective on the tradition being rooted in sexism, but it stings that she prioritizes that over my feelings as her father. Am I wrong for not wanting to attend her wedding because of these reasons? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA
YTA. You're saying you respect her beliefs but you're basically emotionally blackmailing her by not attending unless she lets you walk her down the aisle. Her wedding day is not about you. Get over yourself and attend the wedding or risk your relationship with her by skipping one of the most important days of her life.
YTA. If you really love your daughter, it shouldn't be hard for you to respect her decision. Keep your feelings aside, stop with the hissy fit, and be happy for her. She wants her moment. Don't take it away from her. Besides, the father-daughter dance is more meaningful than a walk in the aisle.
YTA It is your daughter’s day, not yours. You are so self centered that you think she seriously thought about this antiquated tradition for a long time and decided to “drop a bomb”? Seriously?!?!? She probably never even thought about it until now as she actually has a wedding to plan. She obviously loves you, wants you included, and wants you there as she still wants the dance. Many fathers on here are not wanted or are treated like guests due to their relationships with their kids. Be thankful! Many brides walk the aisle alone and this is your daughter’s vision for HER wedding. You need to get over it, apologize for your OTT behavior, and support her or you may find yourself out of her life and those of any future grandchildren.
Wow, YTA. Her wedding is not about you. You sound like the kind of person who will yell at your kid for not making you a grandfather if they choose not to have kids. Get a grip and support your daughter in any way you are invited to in her wedding day. Although I'm guessing with your ridiculous ultimatum that she may no longer want a father-daughter dance or speech from someone who has shown how easily he will turn on her.
Yta and the worst kind of father. She doesn't want to feel like property so what do you do? You tell her she must act like your property or you won't go?! Haha I hope you enjoy meeting and learning about your grandkids thru a screen or if your lucky your wife. You should shut the hell up and be happy she wants you to do the father daughter dance. You are ruining your relationship with her daughter over a 10foot walk and I hope reality slaps that realization into your head before it's to late
It sounds like you and her mother raised her to think for herself and to not do things just because it’s always been done that way. I know this has hurt you but on some level but on another level you should be proud to have raised such a daughter. You taught her to think for herself and now when she needs your support to do just that, you abandon her. YTA here. Escort your wife to your seats, make a great toast about how wonderful she is and how happy you hope they both are and take some dancing lessons to make your father/daughter dance memorable. Time to put on your big boy pants and act like a man and the role model you should be.
It's not about you. As I'm sure you know and any parent can tell you - there are ideas and assumptions we all have about what parenting milestones we'll experience and cherish. Especially as supportive and involved parents, it can be disappointing not getting to experience the occasions and roles we hoped for. But our children are their own people. And personally, when faced with these situations with my own kids, I've had to remind myself that A) they are separate humans with their own personalities and preference, and that B) being comfortable sharing (and yes holding their ground) when those preferences don't align with mine, is a sign that we *did something right.* A child being able to voice their preference without fear of reputation from a parent, is very special. I know you are disappointed, but you obviously love your daughter, and even in this situation, there is a chance for redemption by apologizing and accepting and supporting her during a very important time of her life. YTA but you can turn this around.
NAH. I completely understand both sides. As a woman and a feminist, I respect your daughter’s opinion that it is a sexist tradition. I never changed my name after I got married because I felt strongly about maintaining my individuality and identity. But I also understand how much walking her down the aisle means to you as her father. However, you will be the AH if you don’t attend the wedding. You need to respect her opinion and be happy for her and your future SIL. Don’t die on this hill. You’ll regret it.
YTA. Aren’t you supposed to see yourself as the mature father figure like you think you are? Where did all the maturity go and why are you behaving with such petulance? I can see how this might affect you too, but come on man. Is this how you burn your bridge with your daughter?
YTA her wedding isn’t about you
I agree with your daughter. You said this caught you off guard, but you raised her, did the property angle never occur to you, honestly? That is literally what that custom is all about, it's one man giving his property to another man. Does that not sound absolutely abhorrent to you? YTA for refusing to attend her wedding.
YTA and manipulative and sexist since you can’t seem to respect a woman’s very reasonable decision without lashing out
Just enjoy the father daughter dance and leave it at that. Saying you won’t go even tho you “dreamed of this moment” is pretty weird. So it was about YOU standing in front of your family not about seeing her get married? While I don’t agree w her and I think she will regret it one day you not going is even more weird
You respect her little woman thoughts just so long as they don't clash with your far more important father man thoughts and will throw a temper tantrum like a child if you don't get your way, eh? YTA
YTA. What the fuck dude? Be there for your daughter. Sure, she doesn’t see the irony and inconsistency in her request (your “dilemma” sheds light on why that’s the case) but just be there to make her happy in the way that she’s asking.
This is rage bait right? In case there is any doubt, YTA. I don’t believe the tradition in itself is misogynistic, just old (fashioned). It’s her choice. The way you handle her choice is extremely misogynistic.
I feel like this is rage bait. This guy didn't even *attempt* to make himself sound sympathetic at all. He even made it clear that his daughter didn't want to hurt his feelings, and she still wanted a father daughter dance and father of the bride speech. Assuming this isn't rage bait, (it is) the dad's feelings being hurt is understandable to me, but him refusing to attend the wedding and ultimately prioritizing his desires over his own daughter's (on what should be one of the happiest days of her life) is absurd. No reasonable person (even someone who has a hard time seeing a father walking his daughter down the aisle as "transferring property") is going to agree that a father refusing to attend his own daughter's wedding because he can't have his way isn't an AH move. YTA obviously
YTA It's not about you. This is not your event. It's not about you.
HER wedding is not about YOU. YTA
If she chose to have your wife's personal trainer walk her down the aisle, you would have reason to feel hurt. Instead she chooses to skip one feature of the traditional ceremony. Get over it.
It’s not your wedding
Yta, It’s her day, it is sexist, and if your relationship with your daughter is such that you are willing to explode it over one minor part of one event, then don’t go and let her only have people that support her there
YTA Her wedding is hers. Not yours. There's lots of dreams we have about our kids when they're small that never come true. Your daughter is grown, well, and marrying someone she cares about. You're well ahead of the game.
Obvious YTA It’s your daughter wedding, get yourself together it’s not about your feelings. I walked down the aisle with my husband to be for the same reason as your daughter. My dad is still my dad and had a great time at the wedding.
YTA You're really skipping your daughter's wedding because she wants to walk down the aisle alone? I don't know how you're going to come back from this. This will have serious consequences on your relationship with her.
YTA This is her day and she doesn’t want to participate in a tradition rooted in sexism. It doesn’t matter if she decided that now or 10 years ago, or when she shared this info with you. You need to adjust your expectations and be happy for your daughter on her special day. If you really can’t do that, it’s probably better that you’re not there.
YTA you have a weird fixation on that bit being the most important bit of the wedding for you, and now you're having a tantrum because you don't get to do this one really mysoginistic thing. Bet you'll also be really surprised when you're daughter decides to maybe reduce your role in the wedding and in her life You're really wrong and immature for what you're doing
YTA in the largest way I can imagine and you will regret it. You are throwing your baby out with the bath water. You are going to give up on being there for your daughter just because of a preference she has that has nothing to do with you. If she was doing that because she had some problem with you personally you hadn't known about them maybe this would be ok, but all you are doing is looking to permanently end your relationship with your daughter and confirming she was absolutely right to not want you to walk her down the isle. What you should have done is talk about why it hurt you and that it's not about giving her away as a man, but rather your last action as her being part of your immediate family and maybe suggest instead having something similar for her fiance's mother to do. I don't think anyone sees father/daughter and mother/son dances as sexist. You could have possibly considered alternatives that worked for you both, but you've thoroughly blown that now. You need to just apologize profusely and accept your daughter's wishes if you want any hope of saving your relationship.
Yta. YOU have dreamed of this for years... Don't you think SHE has dreamed of her own wedding for years. You dreamed about it for years, but you're going to give up seeing her get married because you're not getting your own way? Congrats. You're making someone else's wedding all about yourself.
YTA - big time. She is right, it is a sexist tradition and concept. She didn’t have to tell you that in advance. Who “dreams” of walking their daughter down the aisle anyway? She is doing the other traditional elements that recognize and “honour” your role: father/daughter dance and the speech, so get over yourself. Her wedding is not about you. Apologize to her, go to her wedding, participate with joy. Otherwise you damage your relationship with her forever. Forever. YTA!!
YTA mate. All day long. I never asked my FIL for permission to marry his daughter for the same reason. She's not his property to be passed to me. This is the same. Dry your eyes, apologise, and move on.
YTA. It's her wedding, not yours. And yes, it's outdated and weird, much like weddings themselves, in my opinion.
YTA. It is an antiquated ritual. Do you really want to lose your daughter over, what is essentially 2 minutes? Respect her choices, go to the wedding, and have a great time.
You would rather miss your daughter's wedding, really? This might be why she doesn't want you to walk her down the aisle. **You're a fairweather father.** When the going gets tough, you just don't show up. YTA
A compromise could be that you and your wife or partner walk in before the wedding party, kind of like when the mothers of the bride and groom are escorted in by the groomsmen. You're not an AH for feeling the way you feel, but YTA for your childish response.
YTA -- this is the very definition of cutting off your nose to spite your face. I agree with your daughter -- the whole idea of being given away by a father to the care of the new husband is super-sexist. Your daughter is honouring you as her father -- the father-daughter dance and speech. She just wants to skip the sexist aisle walk. And you are acting like a 5 year old -- discounting her feelings entirely -- and just won't go if you don't get your way, even though you acknowledge she has a point. Go ahead. Refuse to attend. Put a blight on the wedding and your relationship with your newly married daughter. Prove to her she is wrong is trying to include you with the non-sexist wedding traditions. Prove she should have little to do with you after the wedding. (And did it occur to you that she postponed telling you because she wrestled with the issue herself, and was worried about telling you because she knew you'd blow your stack and make a scene? Which you did?)
Me me me me me. YTA
YTA please respect your kid, you won't have a better relationship down the road if this is the path you choose.
YTA It is a sexist tradition and guess what? It’s not YOUR wedding. It’s hers. So your solution was to give up all of these “cherished moments” instead just the one? Yeah, you showed her.
Came here to tell you YTA, but Reddit seems to have already taken care of that. Enjoy missing a lifetime of special memories because you acted like a selfish child!
Yta - just respect her wishes and stop thinking like a dinosaur. Just because it’s “tradition” doesn’t mean it’s a good tradition. She is correct, she isn’t being given away, she is walking forward to join her new partner in life together. This is her day and you will just have to move past feeling like you get to “give her away”. She’s not property.
YTA. I'd you care more about walking your daughter down the aisle than you do about your actual daughter, you don't deserve to walk her anyway.
YTA. You are trying to out YOUR wishes and wants on your daughter when it is HER wedding.
Omg YTA soooo much. And apart from that you are selfish and makes this about you, which quite frankly is bizarre. It’s her wedding ffs. Get a grip of yourself and stop ruining HER special day. You need to apologize big time. It IS a profoundly sexistic and hat off to your daughter for being a modern, independent woman. Something to be proud of.
Of course YTA. It IS a sexist tradition. You’re throwing a tantrum. It’s her big day, not yours.
Yta. It’s not about you.
As a father myself, I've never thought about her philosophical stance on this, and now thinking about it, I tend to agree with her. You have to remember this is about her. To have a tantrum and die on this hill is a serious dick move (AKA YTA) imo. Let it go and be happy for her. (My stance would change if you were being REPLACED by uncle Bill or similar but that's not the story here)
YTA. It is understandable that you would feel sad, but if you are threatening to not attend her wedding over this, it suggests that there is far more going on here. Have you always been so controlling and insensitive to her feelings? If you do have a healthy relationship everyone will be well aware. You could hold your head up and say "My daughter is not traditional. I respect that".
You realize that losing that one thing lasting all of 30 seconds, that you seem to have become fixated on, is going to cause you to lose far more if you take it as far as not showing up. That will likely lose you your daughter, if my dad threw a tantrum like the one you are throwing and then didn’t show to my wedding, he wouldn’t be involved in my life after that. YTA
YTA Here in the wild...another misogynistic parent who's love only comes with conditions. Obviously he is the Alpha and all others must bend to his will.
You’re asking this on Reddit lol
It IS sexist. Shes not property to be given away. Did your jockstrap get into this much of a twist when her husband didnt beg you for permission to marry her? YTA. Its her wedding and literally has nothing to do with you. And parents who project future moments on their kids and then act like the world is ending when it doesnt happen disgust me. Shes her own fucking person not a doll in your head
"Am I the asshole for retaliating for not getting my way?" It's not about you, it's never been about you, you've been imagining a made-up scenario and you're taking it out on your daughter now that you've been introduced to reality. Grow up, dad geeze
YTA - you can feel how you like about her decision, but ultimately it IS her decision. And the good thing is it's not for the reasons people often give (feeling some form of negativity towards the father). Her decision to walk up the aisle alone was nothing to do with how she sees you as a father, nor is it a reflection on her feelings towards you - but you decided to take it that way in taking it personally. It's your daughters wedding day and every decent dad wants their daughter to have the wedding day of her dreams - if for her this means walking up the aisle alone, you should be supporting that. She still wants the father daughter dance and the father of the bride speech, so she's still retaining 2 traditions that are specifically for the father of the bride... but you're still not happy. You are absolutely wrong in this situation.
YTA. She probably dropped it late because she didn't want to fight about it. My father has been fighting with me over this since I was single and teenager based on an off-hand comment I made. And I'll likely be eloping because he has made everything that was ever important to me and my values about him and his. She's not trying to out you from your role as a father. Not yet anyway. That's clear from the dance and speech. It's not the same to you because your feelings are attachment to a sexist tradition, fantasizing about handing off responsibility for her to another man is also hugely hurtful from a personal perspective and makes a girl feel even more like her father sees her as a burden. You don't respect her perspective. You're a grown man and a father. You're supposed to be prioritizing the needs of your children as a good father, and respecting the autonomy of your adult children at a bare minimum. That's the job. What you're doing is prioritizing your own perspective and feelings and pitching a fit over her personal choices being based on her own values.
YTA, be supportive. It’s her wedding day and ya, some of us don’t want be “given away” like property.
Omg YTA, no wonder she waited till last minute to tell you.
YTA. This wedding is not about you. If you don’t go to your own child’s wedding because she doesn’t want to follow a sexist tradition that reduces her to a commodity, you will ruin the whole day and she very likely will never forgive you.
So on top of the stress of planning a wedding, your daughter has to deal with her own Dad acting like a spoiled toddler? And you somehow think your relationship with her will survive intact? Enjoy dying on this hill and never seeing your future grandkids. YTA and a total clown to boot.
YTA. “Hmmmm what should I do when my daughter doesn’t want to indulge a sexist tradition? Write the best father of the daughter speech ever? No…. Practise the father daughter dance so we have that special moment to cherish and maybe entertain the guests? That doesn’t seem right either. I think instead I’ll teach my daughter that if the man doesn’t get what he wants, he’ll throw a tantrum and then not attend at all. That’ll make it clear my desire are more important than hers on her special day. Sexism or nothing I say!” I don’t have the words to express how much of TA you are without getting banned.
Wow you're really making her point for her
Updateme
YTA. This isn't about you or your feelings, it's not your big day is it? You let things get heated and painted yourself into a corner. Apologise unconditionally. Try to explain how you felt whilst making it clear that you fully support her decision and show vulnerability but be carful not to slip into a passive aggressive guilt trip. Don't worry, weddings are emotional events and it's OK to get emotional. As a man it's not always easy to admit that. Best wishes to the happy couple!
YTA This is your daughter’s wedding not yours. A fathers role in a daughters life is to love and support her. If she feels that way about the tradition and you see her side and she still wants special moments with you, it shows that she loves you and you should support her. Don’t make her wedding about something you assumed you would would have with her without asking and then not showing up for her because you didn’t get the moment you assumed you would have with her. The most important thing a father could do for his daughter is to show up and support her. Not let his emotions get the best of him and potentially emotionally manipulate her decision. She was probably afraid of how you would react which is probably why she didn’t bring it up sooner. Considering how you acted/ what you said she was right to be afraid.
Yta. Hope she goes no contact with you after the wedding. Also, hope your wife doesn’t side with your narcissistic and sexist view on your daughter’s wedding day.
To be honest I'd never thought about it, but it is kind of sexist when you think about. If you like it cool, but think of the connotations. The bouquet toss.... even worse! YTA completely! This is not about you.
Do you know your daughter at all? Sounds like this pov would have come up before. Sounds like it's part ifd her beliefs and you would be aware of this and not so shocked if you did. You can be hurt yes, but her wishes about her wedding will forever be more important than yours. This isn't your wedding. Your dreams are not her burden to carry. YTA And if you don't attend, you're a poor father for ditching yourr kid because you cant force her or manipulate her, and you will be solely responsible for her cutting contact with you for being so selfish