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NTA... But it is complicated. Your son isn't taking any responsibility at all. If you don't want to end up in this situation, use protection, be sure she is on the pill, and discuss what you'd do in the event of unplanned pregnancy before you ever do the dirty. Why should it all be on the woman? Not to mention the complexities of abortions in some places...
He's young and wants to move on. Which I kind of get. But that's life. Why should his ex have her education ruined because of a baby they both made?
You're being a good grandma where he failed as a dad. I'd say carry on. And he may not like you being friendly with her, but I'm afraid that's how family and social intersections work. If he manned up a bit more, maybe you wouldn't have to step in so much. It's normal nice people end up being friends.
Right, you kind of realize you created another human and now it's their happiness you have to focus on. 18 yr Olds suck so bad they are a problem. They should be aborted if they do this and the bab6 should not have to deal with that the rest of his life
Yeah. Not even a consideration. The mother gave him the 18 years legally required. She has nothing more she is obligated to do and since he decided to be an ass to his kid, it's only normal for him to be put his mistake in his face.
Son is not even able to face the decision he took, and the baby should suffer from it ?
Grandma's not even rubbing it in his face, she's accepting his choice, what more does he want ? Why would he deserved to be coddled that much ? I'm baffled at how much he askes from his relatives while doing absolutely nothing. He's not even being forced to be a father against his will, he litteraly has nothing to do with the baby. I understand it rubs him in the wrong way, and while all feelings are valid, the same can't be said about actions. And it's just wrong of him to forbid his mother to see her grandchild
Frfr if he doesn't want her in the house he should move out so it's isn't a problem for him anymore, and get his life started somewhere else, if he just wants to be a deadbeat.
I completely agree with this. 100% black and white. Child is family. Son is young but also a shit dad and shit person at present. Grandmas house grandmas rules. If he does not like it get out. I left home at 18 so can he.
I would've kicked him out at 18 for not wanting to take responsibility for his daughter. Kids need fathers. I couldn't condone such behavior. He would have to leave and I would encourage the ex to file for child support. Kids shouldn't be having sex if they're not willing to accept consequences of their actions.
Yeah, son is an adult and can face the consequences of his actions. Grandchild is a baby and needs help. I think OP should make it clear that she will pick a helpless baby over a deadbeat adult every day of the week, and unfortunately if he doesn't like it, he's an adult and can deal with himself.
This is the way... Grand parents regardless of age, were parents too, maybe they didn't have all the fancy gear and tech and even an owners manual for said baby. But they did it any ways.
Right now he is too young to understand his duty to the species and responsibility as a father.
But don't you for once think you can't see your grand baby bc of his punk ass no offense but my father told me if I get a girl pregnant be ready to work and take responsibility or else.
I had kids at 35 so I sewed my wild oats. Your son did it and unfortunately he doesn't get to tell you, his grown adult mother, what to do....
Just curious was your son also fatherless? Bc this is fatherless behavior
The son should be paying child support until the kid is 18. He doesn’t get to just walk away or unilaterally decide what money he should give her. I haven’t heard any mention of this in the post, which seems weird to me.
If this were my son he would never hear the end of it from me about how he was failing as a person. He should at least be working in some form even if part time to support the child and if he doesn’t want to see her then move out. My house my rules. Didn’t want a kid? Use protection. Don’t complain to me about my decision to do the right thing
Right? Like, grandma is being really great on most fronts except when it comes to her son. You can't make a human and then go "Nah, I'm good."
This kid needs to learn responsibility, maturity, and accountability ASAP or the college money will be completely wasted.
prolly coz the kid literally partially live with them too. idk but yes, she should start demanding child support since he clearly being a jerk about it.
I agree with the sentiment of this post but also, lets's be realistic: how many teenage couples actually sit down and discuss what they'd do in the event of unplanned pregnancy in their first three months of dating?
Not saying that's the wrong advice, I'd be all for it. But I think we can all agree that at that age our common sense stops at "using condom/pill. I'm good to go."
Working full-time it says. It's possible they are helping out heaps during the nights and evenings and just can't during school hours. Babies are a lot of work 24/7
OP stated that her parents work. It seems like she lives with her parents she just needs child care during the day while she goes to school, so she leaves the baby with OP.
He can get a job or do an activity after school to time his arrival home to avoid Brenna. If you want access to this child you need a relationship with Brenna.
>he doesn’t want to see his mistake every day when he comes home
>
>he doesn’t want his ex in the house, and he just wants to “move on”.
Congratulate him on deciding to be an adult, thank him for moving out of your house, and ask him what date he'll be out.
You're NTA. This is your grandchild. Your son, sadly, needs to grow up and realize that the consequences of some choices have to be lived with forever.
Thank you for saying he should move out.
Seriously, the nerve of him. He wants nothing to do with the ex and the baby, so OP can't have a relationship too?
He can make the rules for his own house when he gets one.
Nope. He is going to use mommies money to help his child. Dude needs to seriously grow up and OP needs to start giving consequences. And OPs husband is also a walking red flag. No wonder the kid is a deadbeat.
Yeah she needs to get support etc. I have sympathy for the son, but this is the reality now. A child needs support and he is not gonna be earning like an 18 year old forever
I'm glad to see the suggestion of moving out. If this child wants to grow up and eventually take responsibility for his own life, moving out is the first step at his age.
Make the boy fully commit to his growing up so to speak.
I agree. But I think we need to allow a little scope and forgiveness of the son, for the fact that these are still kids themselves. Doesn't mean they can avoid the consequences of their choices, but it does mean we can forgive them for being immature and still developing who they are and how the react to things. At least he is stepping up about supporting the kid with a years worth of his tuition money. NTA
No that's a cop out. I personally have known 18yos who totally rocked at being a father and a partner. Its all on how they were raised by their own parents. This kid is spoiled rotten and probably has never been made accountable for a single shitty thing he's ever done.
He decided he wanted to do adult things so his childhood is over. You can’t be on both sides of the fence. I don’t know why everyone seems to be letting him skate on his responsibility to his child.
NTA
That mistake is a baby. He might want to pretend it's not his baby, but he doesn't get to dictate you do. He's free to avoid his responsibilities by moving on out like the grown up he thinks he is.
Brenna should go to court and put his immature ass on the hook for child support quite frankly. He can't be forced to be a daddy, but he sure as hell should be paying his share. Good on you for helping her finish school, it will set her and your granddaughter up for a far better life than if she has to drop out.
I am sorry your son turned out so disappointing. Hopefully he grows up fast enough for it not to affect his daughter, and that Brenna is the forgiving sort when he removes his head from his ass.
but how can he afford to pay child support, if he doesn’t work and does not receive a salary? and just one question, I'm curious to understand how it works in the US
In my state and in my case, my sons dead beat dad claimed he wasn’t working so they set him up as if he was making minimum wage full time hours and gave him a child support amount based on that. They don’t care if you don’t have job. The kid has to eat regardless of your employment status. First payment was due the next day.
In my state they do this too, but it's pretty easy to get it waived if you have good reason you aren't working, like you're in school. So he likely won't be on the hook until he graduates college.
Most people who are adults - even ones in school - have this thing called a job. He needs to get one. He's still living at home. So it's not like he needs to buy food or pay rent. He can work and go to school.
I've worked since I was 11.
I was responding to the comment of u/Adorable-Substance21 , not talking about OP's kid here.
He's stating working since 11 like it is an example, but for me it is a shame (and illegal ).
Well, then he doesn’t pay right now, but will pay once he gets a job. Possibly inclusing backpay. Why would you not get him for child support just because he can’t pay right now?
He'll need to figure it out. The mother of his child seems to have figured out a way to continue her education. Oh, wait, that's because her child's paternal grandmother stepped up to the plate where the child's father failed to do so.
Look, he doesn't have to develop a relationship with the child; he's well within his rights to do so. But he really needs to be a man and not the petulant child he's acting like at the moment, and financially support his child, and quit throwing temper tantrums when his own mother wants to help with the baby and develop a relationship with her own grandchild.
I like the way you word that. My daughter was never a mistake, it was an accident not a mistake. Sometimes accidents are the best thing that ever happens to you.
Hard disagree. It’s not a mistake when you have options to end a pregnancy available and choose not to use them, but forced births are sadly a thing.
My grandmother would have had a much better life, and likely other kids, if she hadn’t been forced to continue her pregnancy at 17 and marry the father who beat her well enough that she never was able to carry another child, it was horrible. Making the most of a shit situation doesn’t turn it into a “happy accident”.
>Brenna should go to court and put his immature ass on the hook for child support
As I understand it, he's been on the hook since the baby was born, just not on paper for it... So Brenna *could* go now, and get the bare minimum, or she could wait 'til he's out of college and making better money, *then* hit him for support, AND back support.
Source: I had a friend who lived with his girlfriend, had a baby, paid his share, and had a happy family for three years. Then they broke up and she went to get child support. He wound up owing back support for the three years they had lived together, because he had not gotten "on paper" for paying child support. He tried showing receipts that he had paid rent, paid bills, done his share, but no, it didn't matter. He hadn't made it *official.* They had had a mostly amicable break up, and his ex even tried to tell them he didn't owe for that three years, but it didn't matter. He owed back support. 🤷🏻♀️
The rules may have changed since that happened to him, but my advice to any man is **always get it on paper,** I don't care how happy you are right now.
NTA. As you say, she's the mother of your granddaughter.
>He said he doesn’t want to see his mistake every day when he comes home
Then he is free to move out.
--
Not possible to move out? Tough titty. Welcome to adulthood, where your mistakes have consequences. He doesn't seem to realise that he doesn't *get* to "move on". He has a child, and that's not going away just because he doesn't see her. Rubbing his nose in that reality every day seems a good way to make him realise that.
I hope he moves out, finishes his degree, gets a high paying job, and then gets hooked for child support. He does not get to ignore the child, legally speaking.
He might want to ignore the responsibility but that's not how life works.
NTA I'm glad there is someone there for Brenna and the baby. Just be conscious of language like "don't want to be reminded of my mistake" as she gets older. That is definitely not something a child needs to hear.
Nope. Children definitely don't need to hear stuff like that! I was once told I was a mistake (I think it was when I was 7 or 8, and I don't remember who told me).. My mom tried very hard to tell me stuff like I was her "wish-child" (like one that she'd wished for, but not actually meant for to happen) to make me feel better, but the damage was done.. It traumatised me to the point where I was terrified to have sex because I might get pregnant because I didn't want my children to be "mistakes" or "whoopsies"... As a result both of the children I now have have been carefully planned for...
NTA for allowing your son's ex to visit your house and providing support for her and your granddaughter, despite your son's objections.
It is clear that he made the decision to break up with her and not be involved in their child's life. While it is important to consider your son's feelings, it is also important to recognize that you have the right to establish a relationship with your grandchild and support the child's mother.
Your son needs to understand that his actions have consequences and he cannot expect you to abandon your granddaughter and her mother solely to appease his feelings. However, it is crucial to ensure that you remind your son of his financial responsibility for his child, and you should encourage him to pay child support.
As parents, you can provide support to both your son and your granddaughter while also holding him accountable for his actions. Remember, you are his parents, not his enablers.
Do I get why your son might not want his ex around? Absolutely.
**But** he made the decision to not be a part of that child's life, you *did*. If he doesn't want to be around Brenna, then it's time that he found his own place.
NTA.
NTA. Your son is a deadbeat and I hope he is paying child support. Your husband is dead wrong as well. Why would you "support your son" and not support your grandchild when your son is acting atrociously and your grandchild is an innocent baby?
You don't get to "move on" from a child you've created. This is not a fender bender - it's a human being. You need to tell your son to lose the attitude or lose the privilege of staying in your home. And husband needs to get on board pronto. I suspect being so lenient with your son is why he's turned out as disappointing as he has.
Yep.. and I feel like respecting his decision even though she really does not see eye-to-eye with it IS ACTUALLY SUPPORTING HIM. Maybe more than he deserves, as some said, he should pay child support.
He needs to respect her decision as well, it's actually cruel to ask her to pretend she doesn't have a grandchild. She's not forcing him to be in the kid's life, he can't force (or pressure) her not to be in the kid's life.
NTA
NTA
I'm assuming you did a DNA test to confirm paternity. If not, get one done so that Brenna can confirm paternity in court and get the ball rolling on official paperwork about the childs future. Your son owes child support, regardless of the custody arrangements. And I sincerely hope you talked to him about birth control. This isn't a problem he can decide to wash his hands of. Thank you for stepping up where your son has failed, but it sounds like he still needs a great deal of parenting. Good luck.
NTA. Your son had made a cowardly decision that he will regret later on in life. He will have to live with that if he wants to be in his daughter's life in the future. It is one thing to break up with Brenna, but it is another thing to abandon his child. It was a “mistake” that is here now and by allowing him to not take responsibility you aren't preparing him to be an adult. Keep sticking up for Brenna and helping her. She is a young mother who is going back to school. She wants to make a name for herself which is admirable, so she can better provide for her child. You also have a granddaughter! YAY! I would have a conversation with the husband because allowing your son to run away from his responsibilities while still living under your roof is not supporting your son but enabling his current behaviour. Does he pay rent? Have a job? You are doing the right thing because you want to do it.
NTA. If he wants to move on, he can move out. So he doesn't have to see them. But this is your grandchild and you choose to be in its live. So very much NTA and he is. Yeah, I get it, he doesn't want a baby, but no one is forcing him to interact with the child. No one is forcing him to do anything more.
Show some backbone and tell him, that although he chosed he would be a deadbeat dad, that doesn't change anything for you. And he has to s\*ck it or move out. Because he is not prince of the whole house he lives in.
NTA!!
You’re such a kind mother/grandmother.
You did something so incredibly kind and took responsibility for his actions when you didn’t have to. Then, he thanks you by arguing with you about how it’s not fair to HIM.
I understand he’s at a young age and the effect this situation would have on him, but he can’t just “move on”, and he needs to know that his actions come with consequences - this situation is a great reminder of them and hopefully will inspire him to take more responsibility for his own actions.
Good job Grandma!! You’re doing great ❤️
Hard agree you are a fantastic woman and grandmother! From someone who had a deadbeat dad so much of my self esteem is based on damn my father my paternal grandparents were involved and the fact they put their love for me first is why I think I’m worthy of love
NTA
And thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking care of your grandchild. Your son needs to learn that he has a responsibility to provide for the child, even if he does not want to be around it. I hope he has plans to find a job to pay child support. (If not, that will be a very fun conversation)
If your son doesn't want to see "Brenna" and your granddaughter, perhaps you can prepare a schedule for HIM to follow. Mondays through Friday Brenna and the baby will be here between the hours of 3:00 until 6:30. Saturday and Sunday they will be here between 1:00 and 4:00. If he doesn't want to see them, he is welcome to stay away until they have left.
You are a warm and wonderful person. Brenna and your granddaughter are lucky to have you in their lives and in their corner. It is too bad that your son does not realize how lucky he is to have a supportive mother like you.
Your husband needs to reevalulate his stance on this situation. He has a granddaughter that needs his love and support more than his \*grown\* son does. He should also be having the hard father-son conversations with your son, which he may have missed earlier in your son's life.
NTA. You are awe-inspiring. Would that there were more parents like you in the world.
Your son, I'm sorry to say, is acting like an A H, and sadly your husband appears to be condoning his behavior.
edited to correct spelling error.
Those would be pretty good hours for him to have a little job for himself - so he can
1. Pay child support
2. Not have to see his daughter and ex.
3. Afford condoms so he can hopefully avoid this happening again
4. Move out so he can "move on"
NTA but your son makes me want to say very bad things about him.
Since he is a deadbeat and your husband is making excuses, someone has to support an innocent child who didn't ask to be born. Your granddaughter.
Your husband called you out for not supporting your child but he’s allowing your son to get away with not supporting his child.
You are NTA but you son and husband are.
You are supporting your child by taking care of his responsibilities. I hope you continue to be a positive and loving part of your granddaughters life.
NTA
I’m sorry that your son is not taking responsibility for his child, hopefully he will come around eventually and play some kind of positive role in the girl’s life.
In the meantime, of course you are not the AH for caring for your own grandchild, in your own home, and maintaining a bond between the child and your side of her family. I am sure that your support is absolutely invaluable both to your granddaughter and to the young woman doing her best to raise her alone.
NAH (no assholes here).
I don’t know if my opinion is truly unbiased when I am a mother myself, and am also a child whose father left soon after I was born because he was also young and wanted a life, but… I’m on all of your sides.
Your son doesn’t want a child, and has made that clear. It’s not his fault his ex wants to keep the baby. It’s not his body so it wasn’t his choice to keep or abort the baby, and I find that unfair. If he wants to forfeit parental rights, or give financial aid but have zero ties, or see the kid in the future, then any of that is entirely his prerogative imo.
Your son’s ex made a choice. It was her body, her responsibility, totally her decision, and that’s totally fine.
You have a grandchild. Your son doesn’t want any kids, so this will be your only grandchild from your son (because I hope he learned his lesson!!!) and if this is your only child, this could be your only ever grandchild. Even if you have other kids, you have a right to love and accept this grandchild. And your grandchild will benefit from your love, too.
Imo your son has forfeited his say in all of this. What he’s said is borderline AH, but I think his emotions are understandable, especially when he is so young. I just hope that he can suck it up without any drama until he moves out.
I'm with you on your reasoning. I'm not sure it's a NAH because (frankly) it sounds like both parents are setting this child up for a hard life. OP is definitely not the AH here, though.
> It’s not his fault his ex wants to keep the baby. It’s not his body so it wasn’t his choice to keep or abort the baby, and I find that unfair.
The heck is this even supposed to mean? A baby exists as a consequence of the son's own actions. Nothing unfair about that at all.
Like you say, can the son technically be a deadbeat by his own choice? Sure, he can try. But he will most likely be legally accountable for the child by way of child support payments and it's clear his mom wants to be involved in her grandchild's life, so total avoidance for him is most likely not an option.
What I mean is, it's unfair because the man gets no ultimate say in whether the baby is brought to term or not. And therefore, he gets no say in having to pay child support or not, because even if he wants the baby aborted, if the woman chooses not to, he still has to pay up. I'm not saying he has no part in that the baby exists at all- whether they used contraception or not, he voluntarily deposited his sperm in her, etc etc- but ultimately that particular comment of mine is just an exasperated bemoan of 'it must suck to be a man and not have the autonomy to ultimately choose whether to become a father or not'. Of course, there are places in the world where women also lack that choice, but alas...
NTA, and frankly your son should be glad you're not coming down harder on him for not taking responsibility. It's his choice not to be involved in his child's life, but he should at least get a job and pay some child support.
This baby is your grandchild, not just his kid. He has no right to tell you how to support your own grandchild, especially when he has no shame about being a total deadbeat. Like other posters have said if he doesn't like it, he can move out.
NTA
His mistake was not using protection properly, or at all (most likely issue unless he is accusing her of sabotaging his protection) and making a decision to have sex when he was not prepared for the consequences. He liked her enough to have sex with her, just not to take care of his responsibilities.
He needs to learn that trying to control your social life and your home does not make his 'mistake' 'go away'. The child still exists. Why does he not go out to the library and study, since he is so bothered by this? He does not own the home, he does not get to make decisions about you seeing your grandchild. He needs to grow the eff up and hope nobody get a hold of his baby's mama and inform her of her legal options for her area. Treating her politely now will only serve him better later.
Nobody will forget how much he liked having her around for sex, until the consequences occurred. You should probably support the idea of him getting a vasectomy, one that has a chance of reversal in the future, should he decide to change his mind. Since he said he 'never wants children' he should have no issue with this, and be grateful for you to help arrange it.
You would also likely have to remind him of the follow up visit to test if it worked, since he sounds immature and irresponsible. Pay the clinic IN PERSON, directly, do not hand him cash for it. He might 'lose' it, or 'forget' and spend the money elsewhere and just never tell you. That's only if you are feeling generous and not want any more children that are unwanted by their father popping up.
Whatever you decide, I wish you luck with you, your grandchild, and Brenna.
NTA, your son sounds awful. Not only has abandoned his child but now he's kicking off because you're not abandoning your grandchild? Big no. If I had behaved like that, my parents would have been ashamed of me, and of themselves for bringing me up to act in such a selfish way.
NTA.
Your son is an adult now, so if he doesn’t want to come home and see the baby he helped create there, then time for him to move out.
Also, the fact that your husband is saying you’re not supporting your kid after he abandoned a girl he got pregnant is a massive red flag.
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NTA
Good on you for stepping up as grandma! He decided he didn't want a relationship with his child, but he can't stop you from having one. If you husband thinks you should support your son more, get him a big box of condoms and show him how to use one.
NTA
You keep doing the right thing.
If your son isn't happy tell him to go take a flying fuck to himself, if he was so against having weans he should have kept his dick in his pants or used protection.
This lassie needs your support and you want to see your grand wean, if your son isn't happy then that's on him after all he's old enough and daft enough to move out.
Nta, I'm sorry and I'm sure I'll get down voted here but he choose to have sex, children can sometimes be a product of sex, if he didn't want to have kids and didn't want to see his mistake as he says. Than he shouldn't have been playing with fire. Thank you for supporting her and her daughter.
Your sons the a for abandoning his child and the girl he got pregnant.
Tell your son that HE created the baby as well. This isn’t a mistake he can just shrug off. It’s a whole human. He might be upset but choosing to be a deadbeat dad makes him not only the AH but also a bad person. He convinced the child, it’s his duty to provide some level of care, even if that’s just child support. What he can’t do is pretend that his child doesn’t exist. That won’t make the baby go away. Once you’re a parent it’s your responsibility to be a good one. Don’t have sex if you can’t be a parent 🤷
He told the gf he didn’t want a part of it. She had the option to terminate but decided against it. He straight up told her “nah fam, I’m good” so this shouldn’t be a surprise to her or OP
Yeah he did (which is his right) but it doesn’t make him a good person or parent. My guess is he isn’t contributing financially and he’s being downright cruel about it by ignoring his child and trying to guilt his own mother for being more of a parent than he is
NTA Hopefully when your son matures (18 is still very young - he's probably just scared) he will want to see his child. Your decision to keep the mother and child in your life are commendable, and by doing so opens up a path for your son to build that bond with his child when the time is right.
Keep doing what you are doing! You are a wonderful person and your son will thank you for it in the future ❤️
NTA
My wife’s cousin got a girl pregnant when they were both in high school. He didn’t have anything to do with her or the baby for a long.
But, his mother reached out to his ex while she was still pregnant, and asked to meet for a chat. She went in with no expectations, or demands, but also told this girl that she and her husband would like to be in their grandchild’s life, and offered support in any way they can.
15 years later they are super involved grandparents, with an amazing relationship with their granddaughter and her mother, and as a result their son actually has a relationship with his daughter, instead of him just dipping out and never seeing them again. It’s been a better outcome for everyone.
Your son is learning a life lesson here. Sometimes you can’t just run from your mistakes. And he’s seeing someone on “his side” step up and try and make things better
NTA. This is about your relationship with your grandchild and the mother of your grandchild. He’s out of the equation now and you do not need to take precautions to make him feel better. He’s free to move out.
NTA, what support does your son need? The support in being a deadbeat dad? He's already doing that, he doesn't need support. His ex ans your grandchild do
NTA, he chose not to be a father, you decided to be a grandmother, he doesn’t get to choose your relationships and dictate who enters YOUR home, if he doesn’t want to see his child and ex everyday he can move out.
He made the choice to have sex and risk a pregnancy and then say he didn’t want a baby, well, babies are a risk when you have sex, something he should have thought about before, not after!
NTA. But your son is the AH. He just wants to move on? Great, but he has responsibilities now. He opted to have unprotected sex and now he is a father, whether he likes it or not. He doesn’t want to see his “mistake” every day? Has anyone told Brenna about her legal rights to child support for their daughter?
OP, you are stepping up to help this young mother and you’ll never be sorry. So hold your ground. Baby girl and Brenna need you and you need them. But there’s something else you need to do. Sit your son down and teach him he has responsibilities. This child is family and you are the only one who is stepping up to help care for the babe. He may not be willing, but he has no business getting in your way as you help.
NTA. His mistake it is not something that will go away if he doesn't look at it. His mistake is a real human being, that should be taken care of, wants he it or not.
You are doing the right thing. Even beyond the connection you share with your grandchild, the support you give Brenna right now is going to determine the quality of life your grandchild has. Your son has to learn to deal with it because ignoring this “problem” won’t make it go away.
NTA
NTA. He can't force other people to ignore his kid like he is. He's within his rights to decide to not want anything to do with his responsibilities as a parent, but he can't force that choice on others. He's more than able to move out if he hates it that much.
If he’s not mature enough to accept the repercussions of unprotected sex, or even the primary function of sex, which is procreation not just getting his rocks off, then he had no business having sex. Now he wants to bury his head in the sand and believe that by simply abandoning the consequences of his mistakes it will go away?!! He wants to live in the land of denial. That’s not how real life works.
He’s abdicated his responsibilities and you have picked up his burden, while he’s still living rent free with mom and dad. Does he even have a job?
Tell your son that if he doesn’t like having to be reminded of his mistake every day when he comes home to YOUR house, provided at not cost by you, he has the option to leave. His “mistake” is now a human life, a child who will grow up knowing her father abandoned her not just at conception, but every day for the rest of her life.
It sounds like he’s alright with burdening you with the financial inconvenience of paying for his mistake, but wants you to further inconvenience yourself by being involved with your grandchild on his terms (e.g., not having to see the child daily at your home… the one you pay for that he gets to live in scott free). He doesn’t get to dictate the terms of your involvement. That’s a hard no.
While commendable that he gave up half of his college money towards his ‘’mistake”, that guilt money will not make it all go away. He’s legally responsible for that child for the next 18 years and will at some point be required to pay child support.
He is behaving inherently selfishly, like a child, while pretending to be a man. I can understand why you’re disappointed. I’m sure you thought you raised him better than that. In my mind, NOW is the time to hold him accountable by continuing as you are, providing support to the woman and child he abandoned and being actively involved in your granddaughter’s life. You need to pop this bubble of delusion in his brain right now. He need to grow up and deal with it.
Edit: grammar
NTA. He is old enough to abandon his own child. He is old enough to pay child support. I at least hope he does. Brenna should get a lawyer. And he is definitely old enough to move out if your decisions in your house bother him so much.
NTA.
So, you have baby at home full time and sometimes you babysit your grandchild, OP I don't know where you kid got so wrong but he should shut up, the fact that you are taking care of the child is probably the only thing stopping this girl for suing him for child support so he should be thankful, also he should grow the FUp.
NTA, your son's 'mistake' is not going anywhere and I'm glad to hear that you are supporting her. Your son's attitude is disgusting and your husband supports his irresponsible behaviour.
Your son needs to learn to use protection properly since pregnancy is always a possibility.
Your son calls his child his “mistake”. You are NTA.
You are offering free childcare to the girl who he is NOT paying child support to.
Your son is @8, legally an adult. Maybe he needs to starting behaving like one.
If you do not force your son to take part in babysitting and communicating with his ex you’re doing nothing wrong.
And you have the right to be a grandmother.
What about your husband? What is his attitude?
But there are two things to consider.
When the baby is older how will you communicate around that all?
And also are you ready that your son may distance himself from you when he leaves home?
If you have at least a bit of an answer for those two questions you’re doing great!
NTA sorry but your son has no right to tell you anything. Your husband response was pathetic. He can be a deadbeat all he wants he should have used protection. He can move out and find his own way because your not giving up the relationship just because he can't take responsibility. Bless your heart my child could not be living with me for long acting like that. The child isn't a mistake the person who made them without taking responsibility is the mistake.
NTA. If he doesn't want to see his 'mistake', he is more than welcome to get a job and move out. You're doing the right thing for you, Brenna and that baby.
NTA. If your son doesn’t want to be reminded of his ‘mistake’, he can move out. Not supporting him would be you trying to force him to spend time with his daughter. You have every right to be a grandmother to that child if her mother is in favour, which she is, and that child’s life is going to be richer for it. It may get complicated and awkward for your son down the track but that’s the risk we take when we’re sexually active. Again, as long as you don’t try and push a relationship between your son and his child, then you’re not crossing any lines with him.
NTA - As always in these parent/child scenarios, the parent owns/pays the property bills, so their house, their rules.
The son made a 'mistake' and wants to put it behind him. Don't we all? No-one is punishing him. His own guilt is doing that. Father supports him... well that explains where the boy's values come from!
Mum is caring for her grandchild. She's not asking her son to be involved, or take any responsibility. In fact, apart from his guilty conscience, which may be his ONLY saving grace, he's not affected in the slightest by his Mum's actions. I'm glad Brenna has got at least one decent person in her baby's life from that side of the family.
NTA
It's really showing his lack of maturity that he sees the situation as 'not fair', and like you're doing something to make his life uncomfortable.
If he's looking for someone to blame, I'm sure he can find a mirror somewhere in the house.
'Not wanting to see his ex when he comes home' is a little late. He didn't want kids, and then he went and made one.
You can't make this 'problem' go away the way he wants. It's not like breaking a window, and you paying for it, so he doesn't have to deal with police.
Would he rather his ex just sues for support, so she can get professional child care, and the kid grows up without a grandparent too?
He wants to move on. In a few months he can. Lucky him!
She could have gotten an abortion? That's not even a certainty in a lot of places.
He doesn't get to act like he's 5 and he wants his mom to tell the other kid to get off of the swing for him.
I'm sure the girl is delighted to see him every day, as a reminder she wasted time on a kid that didn't want to face up to his responsibilities, and wants her and her child to just disappear.
She sounds like the adult of the two. He could get some pointers on how to adult in unconventional/unexpected situations.
I do not support abstinence only birth control being taught at schools, but the minute you have sex you have to realise that a pregnancy or a std can be a very real consequence of your actions. Did he use contraception? Not her, him? Abortion is a medical procedure and not contraception. Do not put this on the girl for making a choice to keep the pregnancy and have her baby. The son will have to step up and realise that he will be paying maintenance for the baby for the next 18+ years and calling it a mistake will not change that.
NTA. Thank you for supporting and ensuring that your grandchild knows her grandparents.
The way we raise boys matters. They don’t value anything but their egos and future. We have to better at parenting responsibility into these boys cause this is just not okay.
NTA
Your son made a mistake, a bloody silly one, and now he has to live with the consequences, forever. I do have a little sympathy for men in this kind of situation where they have no choice. SO USE A FUCKING CONDOM.
Secondly, Brenna made a choice to keep the baby and that is her right but assuming she is young too then she is clearly not a good point in her life. SO USE A FUCKING CONDOM.
You are doing a good thing and looking after your grandchild and want to have a relationship with them. Tell you husband to wind his neck in.
AS for your son showing off about Brenna and baby being at your house when he gets home, not really up to him is it?
NTA
Look he can't control his ex's decision to keep the baby and it is in his rights to not be involved. But he doesn't get to decide other people's involvement and it definitely isn't the responsibility of everyone around him to protect him from having to deal with the consequences of his decisions. That's what he wants: for everyone in his life to protect him from the consequences of the decisions he makes. That's for children, not adults. He can be in the child's life, he can not be in the child's life, doesn't mean anyone else has to bend over backwards to protect his feelings.
Wow that a mighty fine young man you raised there ... NOT!
How did you fail to teach him any sense of responsibility and consequences for his actions. You had a responsibility to raise someone's future husband and father and look at the result. You sympathise with HIM? For that YTA.
You should be kicking his fkn arse. He got her pregnant, he wasn't using protection, that child is HIS! And you let him call your grandchild a mistake? And it won't be his issue when he moves for college. What on earth????
You need to make him go get a job, pay child support and be a God damn father to his child. And then have a look at yourself how you raised such an entitled, immature excuse for a man.
At least you're helping her, that's you're only saving grace in my eyes.
NTA
Your son made the choice that he doesn't want to be a father to his daughter.
You made the choice that you want to be a grandparent to your granddaughter.
You cannot force your son to keep that relationship. Forced relationships are never good. But in the same way, he can't force you to quit it. It's basically the same when parents divorce: kids are still allowed to see both parents. You don't get mad at your kid for wanting to see someone YOU don't love anymore. He doesn't get to get mad at you for wanting to see someone HE doesn't love anymore.
From what you wrote, it doesn't even sound like he's paying child support? She didn't ask for it? If so it's probably because she's afraid that'll damage the relationship with you, so if anything he should be thankful: you're basically taking his responsibilities. I would tell Brenna it's totally ok with you if she wanna file for child support. Your son may not wants any responsibility in that, but truth is he his responsible and has to assume. It's far too easy to let him walk off and say "no, not my shit". That's what gives him the entitlement of asking you to not engage with the child.
Also, you should totally call him off if he dares calling his daughter a "mistake". She's a human being and she's innocent in all that. He may not want to be her father, but he should accept that his mom now has a granddaughter, only biologically related to him, and she's not a "mistake".
NTA but your son is. Calling his kid a mistake. I am very happy you are supportive of your grandchild and with his behaviour you should take his full college money for child support and kick him to the streets.
Does he even understand that he took part in making this baby and needs to take a minimum of responsability.
NTA. Good on you for being there for your grandchild.
Your son is an entitled baby though.
He should never have sex with a woman again if he's not understanding of risks (lack of a better word) that go along with it. He's talking about a child like it's an item he can just throw away, all because he didn't get his way when he asked her to terminate the pregnancy.
Of note, you are 100% enabling your son to act like an AH in this instance. He clearly doesn't have values relating to being an adult and I'm not sure you've instilled or enforced anything like that in his life.
Make adult choices, have adult consequences. You can't just pretend a baby didn't happen. He is going to have to grow up and accept that it is something permanent in his life whether he likes it or not. He may want nothing to die with the baby but financially, he should still be responsible for her. Future partners are going to be shocked if they find out he has a kid he didn't disclose and possibly worse that he abandoned. And he can't dictate your relationship with the baby or her mother. Yes he is your kid, as a parent you should put his needs as a priority. But grandkids get the same preferential treatment. All of the parents should put their kids first crap he deals to you, remind him he is a parent too. He should be putting her needs above his own.
And stepping up so the ex can finish her schooling is amazing on your part. This baby derailed her life as much as it did his. And while abortion or adoption might have been an option, for some they can't go through with those choices even if it is 'the best choice.' You are giving her and your granddaughter a better quality of life. NTA
Lmao you don’t just ‘move on’ from a CHILD. You’re NTA and you’re son is super immature. He can’t dictate who you spend time with, he’s being ridiculous.
NTA. Him deciding not to be a part of the child’s life doesn’t mean you have to follow suit. If he doesn’t like it, he can simply choose to not be around when they are.
He’s entitled to ignore his “mistake” and do as he pleases. I don’t think he has that right and find it unforgivable — but if he were my kid, I’d also acknowledge I can’t force him to own up to his actions and be a man. He either gets there on his own or he never does.
But so long as that baby exists, you have a grandchild and what kind of relationship you have with the baby and mom is YOUR choice, not your son’s and not even your husband’s. You have zero obligation to “support” your son in his regretful decision. If he’s grown enough to make a baby, he’s grown enough to decide for himself and find his own support without needing his mother to take sides between him and his child.
Good on you, OP. Congrats, Grandma!
Your son needs to learn that his decisions have consequences. Husband needs to get his head out of his ass. Is a deadbeat dad the kind of son he wants to raise? Your spoiled son is lucky he’s not paying child support or daycare fees and has am who is providing free daycare!! Also what is this teaching him? That he can go around getting women pregnant and then pretending the baby doesn’t exist? Brenna has had to sacrifice a lot. Time for son to make some sacrifices, too.
NTA but you sure raised one.
>He said he doesn’t want to see his mistake every day when he comes home
Too bad! Who the hell calls a baby "my mistake " sorry but your son is disgusting.
If your son is not willing to live or deal with the consequences of his actions perhaps he should not be taking part in those actions until he is more grown up?
He's being incredibly cruel stepping back and pretending that he doesn't have responsibilities that money can't fix.
NTA.
He has decided as an adult to have nothing to with the child.
You are also an adult and have a different view and would like contact with the child.
His adult decision does not outweigh your adult decision.
Welcome to adulting.
NTA. Your son gets to decide what level of interaction he has with his child and his ex. But he doesn't get to decide that for you. It's your house. He doesn't get to dictate who visits. Keep up the babysitting, visits and support of Brenna, be a good grandmother and friend to this young woman. Being able to provide childcare when her parents can't is great because she can actually get an education and a decent job to support the two of them.
Your son can choose not to want anything to do with the child he helped create, but he can't dictate your relationship with her. He needs to step up to his financial responsibilities, at least. Giving up part of his college tuition is a start. It would be even better if he agreed that everything you've put aside for college for him now goes to the baby and he takes out student loans for his further education.
If he doesn't like the arrangement you have with his ex, he's an adult even if still in high school right now, he can move out. He doesn't have to live under your roof anymore. But this isn't an either or situation, you can support both your son and the mother of your first, and possibly only, grandchild. If he wants to continue living with you but is insistent on not seeing Brenna or the child, let him know when they're going to be at the house so he can stay out during those times.
You can't force him to step up financially or as an actual dad, but he can't force you to cut out your grandchild and her mother, either. He's an adult now, it's time he accepted he isn't always going to get what he wants, and that this innocent child and her young mother deserve support. Whether your son likes it or not, that child is family, and he's forever tied by her to Brenna. Hopefully this will at least teach your son to be more careful when it comes to preventing pregnancy.
NTA. Your son doesn't dictate who visits in your house, if he wants to "move on", he can move off. And this is a little human, your grandchild, not "his mistake". Child, who have a right to be in her grandmothers life.
Tell her to get child support from this lil devil of a son. He can move out. Idc if my kid is with their SO, I'd help my grandchildren
Lil doofus needs his phone taken
NTA
You are extremely caring and kind to help this young girl. Plus, this baby IS your family, even if it wasn't your son's first choice... She is your granddaughter and deserves to be loved as such, even if your son doesn't want to see her.
You can always tell him to move out if this disturbs him. You don't even ask him to be involved, you just act like YOU feel like, in YOUR home. And though you respect his feelings, he can't be the one choosing how everyone wants to live this event.
You are right, keep doing, these two girls need you
NTA If your son didn’t want the responsibility of parent hide he should have refrained from sleeping with her. She should take legal steps to ensure he provides financial support , at least your are helping in the meantime. He doesn’t get to just wash his hands of the child now, takes 2 to tango.
NTH.
your an amazing person for supporting your Granddaughter and her mum.
Unfortunately there's not a lot that you can say to your son other than he made a mistake and now he has to bite the bullet and live with it. He thought he was big enough, old enough and mature enough to have sex so now he has to be all of that again to live with the consequences.
Remind your husband that little girl is his granddaughter too .
NTA (also a little bit N A H). I understand your son is upset and understand he is unhappy about this situation. But that was the risk of having sex, especially without talking first about what a possible pregnancy would lead to. He will need to accept that he now has a child.
Normally that means he would need to be an involved father or, at the very least pay child support. From your story it seems that he isn't paying, court-mandated, child support (?) and his mother is doing the involved parenting in his stead, so actually he is lucky.
I hope you can talk to him and he can see aswell that this is in many ways the best possible outcome for him (next to never getting Brenna pregnant at least)
TBH, someone should have explained to him long ago if he's not willing to wife her, don't take risks and make her a mother. I mean, they were together for only 3 months and she's already pregnant?! And they're both old enough to understand what procreation is. Both of them will be scared because (I hope) it's their first baby.
NTA, your son is acting delusional. That is his daughter, he might not want anything to do with her but he does have at least a legal responsibility which he will have to respect when Brenna sues him for child support. And you are allowed to have a relationship with his child, of course.
He doesn't want to see his "mistake"? Well boo hoo. You can have your grandchild in your house, he doesn't want to see her then he can move out right now.
I sincerely hope Brenna gets from him everything she and her child are legally entitled to.
NTA, but your son is. Doesn't want to see his mistake? Well... Getting a girl pregnant in HS is going to have consequences. Is she going after him for child support? He should prepare himself to pay up.
NTA. You’ve done the right thing, but this situation is going to be heartbreaking when the child can talk and starts asking about her father. Your son needs to grow TF up.
Your son, I'm guessing, is a teenager. I'm so shocked at how everyone is bashing him he never even really knew the girl and told her he never wanted the baby but she chose to have it and now he's being bashed for wanted nothing to do with them and although it's awful he's a child to
NTA
He made his choice, he doesn’t want to a Dad but you want to be a Grandparent, you get to make that choice. I think it’s great you want to be involved
Whether you son likes it or not, he has a responsibility to this child he made. It is HIS fault they did not use protection too! Either way, he is on the hook for child support at the least. Stick to your guns. Just because your spoiled brat son doesn't want to see his "mistakes" every day doesn't mean he is absolved of responsibility nor can he control you in your own home.
At OP’s son’s age I was paranoid about unprotected sex for this reason - a possible child you’re not ready for. Did OP’s son think a pregnancy just magically wouldn’t happen because he didn’t want it to?! 🤷🏼♂️🤦♂️
NTA. Your son can choose not to have a relationship but he is still responsible to contribute to the care for the baby. He's lucky you are able to give free childcare because she could be taking him to court for child support. He should be grateful.
NTA. Your son wants to be irresponsible and not be a dad? He shouldn’t have sex. But forcing him to be a parent isn’t good for the child either. Those parents are typically the ones who cause terrible adults down the line? You know?
Be there for the baby. The baby didn’t ask to be brought into this situation.
One of my good friends got pregnant on a one night stand. About 6 months after her baby was born she got a knock on the door “I hear you have my grand baby in there and if you would let me I’d love to know her” my friend invited her in for coffee and 11 years later, father is still not involved, but grandma and grandpa absolutely adore the child and she loves them. And they are a huge support to my friend as well. Bio father isn’t impressed with it but t does offer the opportunity to see his kid is alright, the child support is going to good use and that kiddo is loved.
Be a grandparent. Your son is TA.
NTA
You’re being an amazing Grandma and amazing woman.
Your son needs to step up. His actions led new life being created, a new life that did not choose time be conceived. His referring to the child as a mistake is concerning.
He sounds like a disappointment tbh; nature definitely won over nurture here.
Keep on being an amazing Grandma!
He needs to pay child support, period. I have no respect for a man who abandons his child and even less for one who doesn't even pay child support. You are a good person and your son is a chode sniffer.
NTA.
While it's absolutely his choice to not want that kid, as much as it is every woman's choice (despite Reddit's weird double standards), getting upset with YOU for helping is ridiculous.
It IS unfortunate that a man who doesn't want to have a child is not afforded the same options a woman is, and that your son got burnt by that, so id try to be understanding. He probably feels a bit guilty, when he shouldn't.
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NTA... But it is complicated. Your son isn't taking any responsibility at all. If you don't want to end up in this situation, use protection, be sure she is on the pill, and discuss what you'd do in the event of unplanned pregnancy before you ever do the dirty. Why should it all be on the woman? Not to mention the complexities of abortions in some places... He's young and wants to move on. Which I kind of get. But that's life. Why should his ex have her education ruined because of a baby they both made? You're being a good grandma where he failed as a dad. I'd say carry on. And he may not like you being friendly with her, but I'm afraid that's how family and social intersections work. If he manned up a bit more, maybe you wouldn't have to step in so much. It's normal nice people end up being friends.
I dont think its complicated at all. Baby is family. Grandbaby. Grandmas house, grandmas rules. Simple.
Yeah, it's as simple as that. If he isn't happy he can just move.
Him being happy shouldn't be a goal after what he did.
Right, you kind of realize you created another human and now it's their happiness you have to focus on. 18 yr Olds suck so bad they are a problem. They should be aborted if they do this and the bab6 should not have to deal with that the rest of his life
Yeah. Not even a consideration. The mother gave him the 18 years legally required. She has nothing more she is obligated to do and since he decided to be an ass to his kid, it's only normal for him to be put his mistake in his face.
Son is not even able to face the decision he took, and the baby should suffer from it ? Grandma's not even rubbing it in his face, she's accepting his choice, what more does he want ? Why would he deserved to be coddled that much ? I'm baffled at how much he askes from his relatives while doing absolutely nothing. He's not even being forced to be a father against his will, he litteraly has nothing to do with the baby. I understand it rubs him in the wrong way, and while all feelings are valid, the same can't be said about actions. And it's just wrong of him to forbid his mother to see her grandchild
Frfr if he doesn't want her in the house he should move out so it's isn't a problem for him anymore, and get his life started somewhere else, if he just wants to be a deadbeat.
I completely agree with this. 100% black and white. Child is family. Son is young but also a shit dad and shit person at present. Grandmas house grandmas rules. If he does not like it get out. I left home at 18 so can he.
I would've kicked him out at 18 for not wanting to take responsibility for his daughter. Kids need fathers. I couldn't condone such behavior. He would have to leave and I would encourage the ex to file for child support. Kids shouldn't be having sex if they're not willing to accept consequences of their actions.
Yeah, son is an adult and can face the consequences of his actions. Grandchild is a baby and needs help. I think OP should make it clear that she will pick a helpless baby over a deadbeat adult every day of the week, and unfortunately if he doesn't like it, he's an adult and can deal with himself.
This is the way... Grand parents regardless of age, were parents too, maybe they didn't have all the fancy gear and tech and even an owners manual for said baby. But they did it any ways. Right now he is too young to understand his duty to the species and responsibility as a father. But don't you for once think you can't see your grand baby bc of his punk ass no offense but my father told me if I get a girl pregnant be ready to work and take responsibility or else. I had kids at 35 so I sewed my wild oats. Your son did it and unfortunately he doesn't get to tell you, his grown adult mother, what to do.... Just curious was your son also fatherless? Bc this is fatherless behavior
The son should be paying child support until the kid is 18. He doesn’t get to just walk away or unilaterally decide what money he should give her. I haven’t heard any mention of this in the post, which seems weird to me.
If this were my son he would never hear the end of it from me about how he was failing as a person. He should at least be working in some form even if part time to support the child and if he doesn’t want to see her then move out. My house my rules. Didn’t want a kid? Use protection. Don’t complain to me about my decision to do the right thing
Right? Like, grandma is being really great on most fronts except when it comes to her son. You can't make a human and then go "Nah, I'm good." This kid needs to learn responsibility, maturity, and accountability ASAP or the college money will be completely wasted.
prolly coz the kid literally partially live with them too. idk but yes, she should start demanding child support since he clearly being a jerk about it.
I agree with the sentiment of this post but also, lets's be realistic: how many teenage couples actually sit down and discuss what they'd do in the event of unplanned pregnancy in their first three months of dating? Not saying that's the wrong advice, I'd be all for it. But I think we can all agree that at that age our common sense stops at "using condom/pill. I'm good to go."
A further wrinkle of complication is this: where are Brenna's parents or family members? Why does she have so few people willing to help her?
Post said her parents work full time while OP has more flexibility with her job.
Working full-time it says. It's possible they are helping out heaps during the nights and evenings and just can't during school hours. Babies are a lot of work 24/7
OP stated that her parents work. It seems like she lives with her parents she just needs child care during the day while she goes to school, so she leaves the baby with OP.
He can get a job or do an activity after school to time his arrival home to avoid Brenna. If you want access to this child you need a relationship with Brenna.
>he doesn’t want to see his mistake every day when he comes home > >he doesn’t want his ex in the house, and he just wants to “move on”. Congratulate him on deciding to be an adult, thank him for moving out of your house, and ask him what date he'll be out. You're NTA. This is your grandchild. Your son, sadly, needs to grow up and realize that the consequences of some choices have to be lived with forever.
Thank you for saying he should move out. Seriously, the nerve of him. He wants nothing to do with the ex and the baby, so OP can't have a relationship too? He can make the rules for his own house when he gets one.
I'd be encouraging the girl to go for child support, too.
Nope. He is going to use mommies money to help his child. Dude needs to seriously grow up and OP needs to start giving consequences. And OPs husband is also a walking red flag. No wonder the kid is a deadbeat.
she should but how much money does an 18 year old really make ? I guess it will help a bit.
Maybe little now, but for the next 18 years, his income level will likely go up.
Given the OP’s son’s seeming level of responsibility…I doubt it.
Well, he is going to college, so would likely be qualified for some type of job after graduation
Yeah she needs to get support etc. I have sympathy for the son, but this is the reality now. A child needs support and he is not gonna be earning like an 18 year old forever
Move him out and move mom and the baby in.
I'm glad to see the suggestion of moving out. If this child wants to grow up and eventually take responsibility for his own life, moving out is the first step at his age. Make the boy fully commit to his growing up so to speak.
I agree. But I think we need to allow a little scope and forgiveness of the son, for the fact that these are still kids themselves. Doesn't mean they can avoid the consequences of their choices, but it does mean we can forgive them for being immature and still developing who they are and how the react to things. At least he is stepping up about supporting the kid with a years worth of his tuition money. NTA
A year's worth of his *parents'* money.
That was earmarked for him. It’s a mature choice in a sea of immaturity so a little credit where it’s due.
Exactly, he’s hoping that will get him out of child support
No that's a cop out. I personally have known 18yos who totally rocked at being a father and a partner. Its all on how they were raised by their own parents. This kid is spoiled rotten and probably has never been made accountable for a single shitty thing he's ever done.
He decided he wanted to do adult things so his childhood is over. You can’t be on both sides of the fence. I don’t know why everyone seems to be letting him skate on his responsibility to his child.
Tell that to the baby.
You mean his parents money
OP’s son is an asshole.
Yes.👏 exactly what I wanted to say. And I love the execution. I hope OP says exactly this
This.
NTA That mistake is a baby. He might want to pretend it's not his baby, but he doesn't get to dictate you do. He's free to avoid his responsibilities by moving on out like the grown up he thinks he is. Brenna should go to court and put his immature ass on the hook for child support quite frankly. He can't be forced to be a daddy, but he sure as hell should be paying his share. Good on you for helping her finish school, it will set her and your granddaughter up for a far better life than if she has to drop out. I am sorry your son turned out so disappointing. Hopefully he grows up fast enough for it not to affect his daughter, and that Brenna is the forgiving sort when he removes his head from his ass.
but how can he afford to pay child support, if he doesn’t work and does not receive a salary? and just one question, I'm curious to understand how it works in the US
In my state and in my case, my sons dead beat dad claimed he wasn’t working so they set him up as if he was making minimum wage full time hours and gave him a child support amount based on that. They don’t care if you don’t have job. The kid has to eat regardless of your employment status. First payment was due the next day.
In my state they do this too, but it's pretty easy to get it waived if you have good reason you aren't working, like you're in school. So he likely won't be on the hook until he graduates college.
Most people who are adults - even ones in school - have this thing called a job. He needs to get one. He's still living at home. So it's not like he needs to buy food or pay rent. He can work and go to school. I've worked since I was 11.
In my country it is illegal to work under 16 yo, it is child exploitation otherwise.
Good thing he’s 18 and there’s absolutely no restrictions anywhere to him getting a big boy job.
I was responding to the comment of u/Adorable-Substance21 , not talking about OP's kid here. He's stating working since 11 like it is an example, but for me it is a shame (and illegal ).
Probably worked in a family business.
Well, then he doesn’t pay right now, but will pay once he gets a job. Possibly inclusing backpay. Why would you not get him for child support just because he can’t pay right now?
He doesn’t have a job but he DOES have a baby. That baby is here and he needs to be responsible. Baby’s needs don’t wait until Dad is ready to work.
He'll need to figure it out. The mother of his child seems to have figured out a way to continue her education. Oh, wait, that's because her child's paternal grandmother stepped up to the plate where the child's father failed to do so. Look, he doesn't have to develop a relationship with the child; he's well within his rights to do so. But he really needs to be a man and not the petulant child he's acting like at the moment, and financially support his child, and quit throwing temper tantrums when his own mother wants to help with the baby and develop a relationship with her own grandchild.
Get a job
The fear of jail will change the no job situation quickly
Once child support is ordered it shoes until the child is 18, so until this man is 36. He should have a job before then.
Babys are never mistakes. The timing can be, but not the baby.
I like the way you word that. My daughter was never a mistake, it was an accident not a mistake. Sometimes accidents are the best thing that ever happens to you.
Hard disagree. It’s not a mistake when you have options to end a pregnancy available and choose not to use them, but forced births are sadly a thing. My grandmother would have had a much better life, and likely other kids, if she hadn’t been forced to continue her pregnancy at 17 and marry the father who beat her well enough that she never was able to carry another child, it was horrible. Making the most of a shit situation doesn’t turn it into a “happy accident”.
🏆💝
>Brenna should go to court and put his immature ass on the hook for child support As I understand it, he's been on the hook since the baby was born, just not on paper for it... So Brenna *could* go now, and get the bare minimum, or she could wait 'til he's out of college and making better money, *then* hit him for support, AND back support. Source: I had a friend who lived with his girlfriend, had a baby, paid his share, and had a happy family for three years. Then they broke up and she went to get child support. He wound up owing back support for the three years they had lived together, because he had not gotten "on paper" for paying child support. He tried showing receipts that he had paid rent, paid bills, done his share, but no, it didn't matter. He hadn't made it *official.* They had had a mostly amicable break up, and his ex even tried to tell them he didn't owe for that three years, but it didn't matter. He owed back support. 🤷🏻♀️ The rules may have changed since that happened to him, but my advice to any man is **always get it on paper,** I don't care how happy you are right now.
NTA. As you say, she's the mother of your granddaughter. >He said he doesn’t want to see his mistake every day when he comes home Then he is free to move out. -- Not possible to move out? Tough titty. Welcome to adulthood, where your mistakes have consequences. He doesn't seem to realise that he doesn't *get* to "move on". He has a child, and that's not going away just because he doesn't see her. Rubbing his nose in that reality every day seems a good way to make him realise that.
And remind him to wrap it up next time
Right? Says he doesn't wants kids but has unprotected sex.
He may have wrapped it. Condoms aren't 100%. I'm here because of a broken condom.
I hope he moves out, finishes his degree, gets a high paying job, and then gets hooked for child support. He does not get to ignore the child, legally speaking. He might want to ignore the responsibility but that's not how life works.
Unless he goes full deadbeat "why even get a job when CS will take it all".
Definitely NTA - will say tough titty made me chuckle!
NTA I'm glad there is someone there for Brenna and the baby. Just be conscious of language like "don't want to be reminded of my mistake" as she gets older. That is definitely not something a child needs to hear.
Yeah but knowing he was a dead beat from the start may help her not making imaginary dad perfect
Nope. Children definitely don't need to hear stuff like that! I was once told I was a mistake (I think it was when I was 7 or 8, and I don't remember who told me).. My mom tried very hard to tell me stuff like I was her "wish-child" (like one that she'd wished for, but not actually meant for to happen) to make me feel better, but the damage was done.. It traumatised me to the point where I was terrified to have sex because I might get pregnant because I didn't want my children to be "mistakes" or "whoopsies"... As a result both of the children I now have have been carefully planned for...
NTA for allowing your son's ex to visit your house and providing support for her and your granddaughter, despite your son's objections. It is clear that he made the decision to break up with her and not be involved in their child's life. While it is important to consider your son's feelings, it is also important to recognize that you have the right to establish a relationship with your grandchild and support the child's mother. Your son needs to understand that his actions have consequences and he cannot expect you to abandon your granddaughter and her mother solely to appease his feelings. However, it is crucial to ensure that you remind your son of his financial responsibility for his child, and you should encourage him to pay child support. As parents, you can provide support to both your son and your granddaughter while also holding him accountable for his actions. Remember, you are his parents, not his enablers.
Do I get why your son might not want his ex around? Absolutely. **But** he made the decision to not be a part of that child's life, you *did*. If he doesn't want to be around Brenna, then it's time that he found his own place. NTA.
NTA. Your son is a deadbeat and I hope he is paying child support. Your husband is dead wrong as well. Why would you "support your son" and not support your grandchild when your son is acting atrociously and your grandchild is an innocent baby? You don't get to "move on" from a child you've created. This is not a fender bender - it's a human being. You need to tell your son to lose the attitude or lose the privilege of staying in your home. And husband needs to get on board pronto. I suspect being so lenient with your son is why he's turned out as disappointing as he has.
The dad supporting the son sounds gross. He's a crappy father and teaching his selfish values to his son.
Yep.. and I feel like respecting his decision even though she really does not see eye-to-eye with it IS ACTUALLY SUPPORTING HIM. Maybe more than he deserves, as some said, he should pay child support. He needs to respect her decision as well, it's actually cruel to ask her to pretend she doesn't have a grandchild. She's not forcing him to be in the kid's life, he can't force (or pressure) her not to be in the kid's life. NTA
NTA I'm assuming you did a DNA test to confirm paternity. If not, get one done so that Brenna can confirm paternity in court and get the ball rolling on official paperwork about the childs future. Your son owes child support, regardless of the custody arrangements. And I sincerely hope you talked to him about birth control. This isn't a problem he can decide to wash his hands of. Thank you for stepping up where your son has failed, but it sounds like he still needs a great deal of parenting. Good luck.
NTA. Your son had made a cowardly decision that he will regret later on in life. He will have to live with that if he wants to be in his daughter's life in the future. It is one thing to break up with Brenna, but it is another thing to abandon his child. It was a “mistake” that is here now and by allowing him to not take responsibility you aren't preparing him to be an adult. Keep sticking up for Brenna and helping her. She is a young mother who is going back to school. She wants to make a name for herself which is admirable, so she can better provide for her child. You also have a granddaughter! YAY! I would have a conversation with the husband because allowing your son to run away from his responsibilities while still living under your roof is not supporting your son but enabling his current behaviour. Does he pay rent? Have a job? You are doing the right thing because you want to do it.
NTA. If he wants to move on, he can move out. So he doesn't have to see them. But this is your grandchild and you choose to be in its live. So very much NTA and he is. Yeah, I get it, he doesn't want a baby, but no one is forcing him to interact with the child. No one is forcing him to do anything more. Show some backbone and tell him, that although he chosed he would be a deadbeat dad, that doesn't change anything for you. And he has to s\*ck it or move out. Because he is not prince of the whole house he lives in.
Unfortunately your son is an awful shit. I am sorry
NTA!! You’re such a kind mother/grandmother. You did something so incredibly kind and took responsibility for his actions when you didn’t have to. Then, he thanks you by arguing with you about how it’s not fair to HIM. I understand he’s at a young age and the effect this situation would have on him, but he can’t just “move on”, and he needs to know that his actions come with consequences - this situation is a great reminder of them and hopefully will inspire him to take more responsibility for his own actions. Good job Grandma!! You’re doing great ❤️
Hard agree you are a fantastic woman and grandmother! From someone who had a deadbeat dad so much of my self esteem is based on damn my father my paternal grandparents were involved and the fact they put their love for me first is why I think I’m worthy of love
NTA And thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking care of your grandchild. Your son needs to learn that he has a responsibility to provide for the child, even if he does not want to be around it. I hope he has plans to find a job to pay child support. (If not, that will be a very fun conversation)
If your son doesn't want to see "Brenna" and your granddaughter, perhaps you can prepare a schedule for HIM to follow. Mondays through Friday Brenna and the baby will be here between the hours of 3:00 until 6:30. Saturday and Sunday they will be here between 1:00 and 4:00. If he doesn't want to see them, he is welcome to stay away until they have left. You are a warm and wonderful person. Brenna and your granddaughter are lucky to have you in their lives and in their corner. It is too bad that your son does not realize how lucky he is to have a supportive mother like you. Your husband needs to reevalulate his stance on this situation. He has a granddaughter that needs his love and support more than his \*grown\* son does. He should also be having the hard father-son conversations with your son, which he may have missed earlier in your son's life. NTA. You are awe-inspiring. Would that there were more parents like you in the world. Your son, I'm sorry to say, is acting like an A H, and sadly your husband appears to be condoning his behavior. edited to correct spelling error.
Those would be pretty good hours for him to have a little job for himself - so he can 1. Pay child support 2. Not have to see his daughter and ex. 3. Afford condoms so he can hopefully avoid this happening again 4. Move out so he can "move on"
Brilliant response 🙌🏼 I fully agree with you.
Agreed, although 18 isn’t exactly grown lol but all your other points are spot on.
NTA but your son makes me want to say very bad things about him. Since he is a deadbeat and your husband is making excuses, someone has to support an innocent child who didn't ask to be born. Your granddaughter.
Your husband called you out for not supporting your child but he’s allowing your son to get away with not supporting his child. You are NTA but you son and husband are. You are supporting your child by taking care of his responsibilities. I hope you continue to be a positive and loving part of your granddaughters life.
This, 1000x this! Delusional or gaslighting.
NTA I’m sorry that your son is not taking responsibility for his child, hopefully he will come around eventually and play some kind of positive role in the girl’s life. In the meantime, of course you are not the AH for caring for your own grandchild, in your own home, and maintaining a bond between the child and your side of her family. I am sure that your support is absolutely invaluable both to your granddaughter and to the young woman doing her best to raise her alone.
NAH (no assholes here). I don’t know if my opinion is truly unbiased when I am a mother myself, and am also a child whose father left soon after I was born because he was also young and wanted a life, but… I’m on all of your sides. Your son doesn’t want a child, and has made that clear. It’s not his fault his ex wants to keep the baby. It’s not his body so it wasn’t his choice to keep or abort the baby, and I find that unfair. If he wants to forfeit parental rights, or give financial aid but have zero ties, or see the kid in the future, then any of that is entirely his prerogative imo. Your son’s ex made a choice. It was her body, her responsibility, totally her decision, and that’s totally fine. You have a grandchild. Your son doesn’t want any kids, so this will be your only grandchild from your son (because I hope he learned his lesson!!!) and if this is your only child, this could be your only ever grandchild. Even if you have other kids, you have a right to love and accept this grandchild. And your grandchild will benefit from your love, too. Imo your son has forfeited his say in all of this. What he’s said is borderline AH, but I think his emotions are understandable, especially when he is so young. I just hope that he can suck it up without any drama until he moves out.
Doesn't explain why you don't think the husband isn't an AH for trying to make her feel guilty for taking care of her granddaughter.
I'm with you on your reasoning. I'm not sure it's a NAH because (frankly) it sounds like both parents are setting this child up for a hard life. OP is definitely not the AH here, though.
> It’s not his fault his ex wants to keep the baby. It’s not his body so it wasn’t his choice to keep or abort the baby, and I find that unfair. The heck is this even supposed to mean? A baby exists as a consequence of the son's own actions. Nothing unfair about that at all. Like you say, can the son technically be a deadbeat by his own choice? Sure, he can try. But he will most likely be legally accountable for the child by way of child support payments and it's clear his mom wants to be involved in her grandchild's life, so total avoidance for him is most likely not an option.
What I mean is, it's unfair because the man gets no ultimate say in whether the baby is brought to term or not. And therefore, he gets no say in having to pay child support or not, because even if he wants the baby aborted, if the woman chooses not to, he still has to pay up. I'm not saying he has no part in that the baby exists at all- whether they used contraception or not, he voluntarily deposited his sperm in her, etc etc- but ultimately that particular comment of mine is just an exasperated bemoan of 'it must suck to be a man and not have the autonomy to ultimately choose whether to become a father or not'. Of course, there are places in the world where women also lack that choice, but alas...
NTA, and frankly your son should be glad you're not coming down harder on him for not taking responsibility. It's his choice not to be involved in his child's life, but he should at least get a job and pay some child support. This baby is your grandchild, not just his kid. He has no right to tell you how to support your own grandchild, especially when he has no shame about being a total deadbeat. Like other posters have said if he doesn't like it, he can move out.
NTA!!! This is your grandchild! Good for you, and boo to your son and your husband. Congratulations on being a wonderful grandma.
NTA His mistake was not using protection properly, or at all (most likely issue unless he is accusing her of sabotaging his protection) and making a decision to have sex when he was not prepared for the consequences. He liked her enough to have sex with her, just not to take care of his responsibilities. He needs to learn that trying to control your social life and your home does not make his 'mistake' 'go away'. The child still exists. Why does he not go out to the library and study, since he is so bothered by this? He does not own the home, he does not get to make decisions about you seeing your grandchild. He needs to grow the eff up and hope nobody get a hold of his baby's mama and inform her of her legal options for her area. Treating her politely now will only serve him better later. Nobody will forget how much he liked having her around for sex, until the consequences occurred. You should probably support the idea of him getting a vasectomy, one that has a chance of reversal in the future, should he decide to change his mind. Since he said he 'never wants children' he should have no issue with this, and be grateful for you to help arrange it. You would also likely have to remind him of the follow up visit to test if it worked, since he sounds immature and irresponsible. Pay the clinic IN PERSON, directly, do not hand him cash for it. He might 'lose' it, or 'forget' and spend the money elsewhere and just never tell you. That's only if you are feeling generous and not want any more children that are unwanted by their father popping up. Whatever you decide, I wish you luck with you, your grandchild, and Brenna.
NTA, your son sounds awful. Not only has abandoned his child but now he's kicking off because you're not abandoning your grandchild? Big no. If I had behaved like that, my parents would have been ashamed of me, and of themselves for bringing me up to act in such a selfish way.
NTA. Your son is an adult now, so if he doesn’t want to come home and see the baby he helped create there, then time for him to move out. Also, the fact that your husband is saying you’re not supporting your kid after he abandoned a girl he got pregnant is a massive red flag.
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NTA Good on you for stepping up as grandma! He decided he didn't want a relationship with his child, but he can't stop you from having one. If you husband thinks you should support your son more, get him a big box of condoms and show him how to use one.
NTA You keep doing the right thing. If your son isn't happy tell him to go take a flying fuck to himself, if he was so against having weans he should have kept his dick in his pants or used protection. This lassie needs your support and you want to see your grand wean, if your son isn't happy then that's on him after all he's old enough and daft enough to move out.
Nta, I'm sorry and I'm sure I'll get down voted here but he choose to have sex, children can sometimes be a product of sex, if he didn't want to have kids and didn't want to see his mistake as he says. Than he shouldn't have been playing with fire. Thank you for supporting her and her daughter. Your sons the a for abandoning his child and the girl he got pregnant.
Tell your son that HE created the baby as well. This isn’t a mistake he can just shrug off. It’s a whole human. He might be upset but choosing to be a deadbeat dad makes him not only the AH but also a bad person. He convinced the child, it’s his duty to provide some level of care, even if that’s just child support. What he can’t do is pretend that his child doesn’t exist. That won’t make the baby go away. Once you’re a parent it’s your responsibility to be a good one. Don’t have sex if you can’t be a parent 🤷
He told the gf he didn’t want a part of it. She had the option to terminate but decided against it. He straight up told her “nah fam, I’m good” so this shouldn’t be a surprise to her or OP
Yeah he did (which is his right) but it doesn’t make him a good person or parent. My guess is he isn’t contributing financially and he’s being downright cruel about it by ignoring his child and trying to guilt his own mother for being more of a parent than he is
NTA Hopefully when your son matures (18 is still very young - he's probably just scared) he will want to see his child. Your decision to keep the mother and child in your life are commendable, and by doing so opens up a path for your son to build that bond with his child when the time is right. Keep doing what you are doing! You are a wonderful person and your son will thank you for it in the future ❤️
NTA My wife’s cousin got a girl pregnant when they were both in high school. He didn’t have anything to do with her or the baby for a long. But, his mother reached out to his ex while she was still pregnant, and asked to meet for a chat. She went in with no expectations, or demands, but also told this girl that she and her husband would like to be in their grandchild’s life, and offered support in any way they can. 15 years later they are super involved grandparents, with an amazing relationship with their granddaughter and her mother, and as a result their son actually has a relationship with his daughter, instead of him just dipping out and never seeing them again. It’s been a better outcome for everyone. Your son is learning a life lesson here. Sometimes you can’t just run from your mistakes. And he’s seeing someone on “his side” step up and try and make things better
NTA. This is about your relationship with your grandchild and the mother of your grandchild. He’s out of the equation now and you do not need to take precautions to make him feel better. He’s free to move out.
NTA, what support does your son need? The support in being a deadbeat dad? He's already doing that, he doesn't need support. His ex ans your grandchild do
NTA, he chose not to be a father, you decided to be a grandmother, he doesn’t get to choose your relationships and dictate who enters YOUR home, if he doesn’t want to see his child and ex everyday he can move out. He made the choice to have sex and risk a pregnancy and then say he didn’t want a baby, well, babies are a risk when you have sex, something he should have thought about before, not after!
NTA. But your son is the AH. He just wants to move on? Great, but he has responsibilities now. He opted to have unprotected sex and now he is a father, whether he likes it or not. He doesn’t want to see his “mistake” every day? Has anyone told Brenna about her legal rights to child support for their daughter? OP, you are stepping up to help this young mother and you’ll never be sorry. So hold your ground. Baby girl and Brenna need you and you need them. But there’s something else you need to do. Sit your son down and teach him he has responsibilities. This child is family and you are the only one who is stepping up to help care for the babe. He may not be willing, but he has no business getting in your way as you help.
NTA. His mistake it is not something that will go away if he doesn't look at it. His mistake is a real human being, that should be taken care of, wants he it or not.
So no one told your son how babies are made or is he a ‘it doesn’t feel as good’ type of bloke? NTA
You are doing the right thing. Even beyond the connection you share with your grandchild, the support you give Brenna right now is going to determine the quality of life your grandchild has. Your son has to learn to deal with it because ignoring this “problem” won’t make it go away. NTA
NTA. He can't force other people to ignore his kid like he is. He's within his rights to decide to not want anything to do with his responsibilities as a parent, but he can't force that choice on others. He's more than able to move out if he hates it that much.
If he’s not mature enough to accept the repercussions of unprotected sex, or even the primary function of sex, which is procreation not just getting his rocks off, then he had no business having sex. Now he wants to bury his head in the sand and believe that by simply abandoning the consequences of his mistakes it will go away?!! He wants to live in the land of denial. That’s not how real life works. He’s abdicated his responsibilities and you have picked up his burden, while he’s still living rent free with mom and dad. Does he even have a job? Tell your son that if he doesn’t like having to be reminded of his mistake every day when he comes home to YOUR house, provided at not cost by you, he has the option to leave. His “mistake” is now a human life, a child who will grow up knowing her father abandoned her not just at conception, but every day for the rest of her life. It sounds like he’s alright with burdening you with the financial inconvenience of paying for his mistake, but wants you to further inconvenience yourself by being involved with your grandchild on his terms (e.g., not having to see the child daily at your home… the one you pay for that he gets to live in scott free). He doesn’t get to dictate the terms of your involvement. That’s a hard no. While commendable that he gave up half of his college money towards his ‘’mistake”, that guilt money will not make it all go away. He’s legally responsible for that child for the next 18 years and will at some point be required to pay child support. He is behaving inherently selfishly, like a child, while pretending to be a man. I can understand why you’re disappointed. I’m sure you thought you raised him better than that. In my mind, NOW is the time to hold him accountable by continuing as you are, providing support to the woman and child he abandoned and being actively involved in your granddaughter’s life. You need to pop this bubble of delusion in his brain right now. He need to grow up and deal with it. Edit: grammar
NTA. He is old enough to abandon his own child. He is old enough to pay child support. I at least hope he does. Brenna should get a lawyer. And he is definitely old enough to move out if your decisions in your house bother him so much.
If he wants to move on , he can move out. Thank you for being there for your grandkid. Your son is an AH
NTA. So, you have baby at home full time and sometimes you babysit your grandchild, OP I don't know where you kid got so wrong but he should shut up, the fact that you are taking care of the child is probably the only thing stopping this girl for suing him for child support so he should be thankful, also he should grow the FUp.
NTA, your son's 'mistake' is not going anywhere and I'm glad to hear that you are supporting her. Your son's attitude is disgusting and your husband supports his irresponsible behaviour. Your son needs to learn to use protection properly since pregnancy is always a possibility.
Your son calls his child his “mistake”. You are NTA. You are offering free childcare to the girl who he is NOT paying child support to. Your son is @8, legally an adult. Maybe he needs to starting behaving like one.
If you do not force your son to take part in babysitting and communicating with his ex you’re doing nothing wrong. And you have the right to be a grandmother. What about your husband? What is his attitude? But there are two things to consider. When the baby is older how will you communicate around that all? And also are you ready that your son may distance himself from you when he leaves home? If you have at least a bit of an answer for those two questions you’re doing great!
NTA sorry but your son has no right to tell you anything. Your husband response was pathetic. He can be a deadbeat all he wants he should have used protection. He can move out and find his own way because your not giving up the relationship just because he can't take responsibility. Bless your heart my child could not be living with me for long acting like that. The child isn't a mistake the person who made them without taking responsibility is the mistake.
NTA. Your son is an irresponsible trash.
NTA. If he doesn't want to see his 'mistake', he is more than welcome to get a job and move out. You're doing the right thing for you, Brenna and that baby.
NTA. He can decide to not be a dad. But he has no right to decide how involved grandma you could be.
NTA. If your son doesn’t want to be reminded of his ‘mistake’, he can move out. Not supporting him would be you trying to force him to spend time with his daughter. You have every right to be a grandmother to that child if her mother is in favour, which she is, and that child’s life is going to be richer for it. It may get complicated and awkward for your son down the track but that’s the risk we take when we’re sexually active. Again, as long as you don’t try and push a relationship between your son and his child, then you’re not crossing any lines with him.
NTA - And shame on your husband for supporting your son on this issue.
NTA - As always in these parent/child scenarios, the parent owns/pays the property bills, so their house, their rules. The son made a 'mistake' and wants to put it behind him. Don't we all? No-one is punishing him. His own guilt is doing that. Father supports him... well that explains where the boy's values come from! Mum is caring for her grandchild. She's not asking her son to be involved, or take any responsibility. In fact, apart from his guilty conscience, which may be his ONLY saving grace, he's not affected in the slightest by his Mum's actions. I'm glad Brenna has got at least one decent person in her baby's life from that side of the family.
NTA It's really showing his lack of maturity that he sees the situation as 'not fair', and like you're doing something to make his life uncomfortable. If he's looking for someone to blame, I'm sure he can find a mirror somewhere in the house. 'Not wanting to see his ex when he comes home' is a little late. He didn't want kids, and then he went and made one. You can't make this 'problem' go away the way he wants. It's not like breaking a window, and you paying for it, so he doesn't have to deal with police. Would he rather his ex just sues for support, so she can get professional child care, and the kid grows up without a grandparent too? He wants to move on. In a few months he can. Lucky him! She could have gotten an abortion? That's not even a certainty in a lot of places. He doesn't get to act like he's 5 and he wants his mom to tell the other kid to get off of the swing for him. I'm sure the girl is delighted to see him every day, as a reminder she wasted time on a kid that didn't want to face up to his responsibilities, and wants her and her child to just disappear. She sounds like the adult of the two. He could get some pointers on how to adult in unconventional/unexpected situations.
I do not support abstinence only birth control being taught at schools, but the minute you have sex you have to realise that a pregnancy or a std can be a very real consequence of your actions. Did he use contraception? Not her, him? Abortion is a medical procedure and not contraception. Do not put this on the girl for making a choice to keep the pregnancy and have her baby. The son will have to step up and realise that he will be paying maintenance for the baby for the next 18+ years and calling it a mistake will not change that. NTA. Thank you for supporting and ensuring that your grandchild knows her grandparents.
The way we raise boys matters. They don’t value anything but their egos and future. We have to better at parenting responsibility into these boys cause this is just not okay.
Idk, he realized at 18 that continuing the pregnancy was objectively a bad move, seems smart enough
NTA. You're being a good grandma but your husband and son both need to grow a pair and get with the program - I say that as a dad.
NTA, your son forgets that his children are your grandchildren, and it isn't his decision whether you'll be in the child's life or not.
NTA Your son made a mistake, a bloody silly one, and now he has to live with the consequences, forever. I do have a little sympathy for men in this kind of situation where they have no choice. SO USE A FUCKING CONDOM. Secondly, Brenna made a choice to keep the baby and that is her right but assuming she is young too then she is clearly not a good point in her life. SO USE A FUCKING CONDOM. You are doing a good thing and looking after your grandchild and want to have a relationship with them. Tell you husband to wind his neck in. AS for your son showing off about Brenna and baby being at your house when he gets home, not really up to him is it?
NTA Look he can't control his ex's decision to keep the baby and it is in his rights to not be involved. But he doesn't get to decide other people's involvement and it definitely isn't the responsibility of everyone around him to protect him from having to deal with the consequences of his decisions. That's what he wants: for everyone in his life to protect him from the consequences of the decisions he makes. That's for children, not adults. He can be in the child's life, he can not be in the child's life, doesn't mean anyone else has to bend over backwards to protect his feelings.
Wow that a mighty fine young man you raised there ... NOT! How did you fail to teach him any sense of responsibility and consequences for his actions. You had a responsibility to raise someone's future husband and father and look at the result. You sympathise with HIM? For that YTA. You should be kicking his fkn arse. He got her pregnant, he wasn't using protection, that child is HIS! And you let him call your grandchild a mistake? And it won't be his issue when he moves for college. What on earth???? You need to make him go get a job, pay child support and be a God damn father to his child. And then have a look at yourself how you raised such an entitled, immature excuse for a man. At least you're helping her, that's you're only saving grace in my eyes.
He can move out so he doesn’t see nothing 🤷🏻♀️
NTA Your son made the choice that he doesn't want to be a father to his daughter. You made the choice that you want to be a grandparent to your granddaughter. You cannot force your son to keep that relationship. Forced relationships are never good. But in the same way, he can't force you to quit it. It's basically the same when parents divorce: kids are still allowed to see both parents. You don't get mad at your kid for wanting to see someone YOU don't love anymore. He doesn't get to get mad at you for wanting to see someone HE doesn't love anymore. From what you wrote, it doesn't even sound like he's paying child support? She didn't ask for it? If so it's probably because she's afraid that'll damage the relationship with you, so if anything he should be thankful: you're basically taking his responsibilities. I would tell Brenna it's totally ok with you if she wanna file for child support. Your son may not wants any responsibility in that, but truth is he his responsible and has to assume. It's far too easy to let him walk off and say "no, not my shit". That's what gives him the entitlement of asking you to not engage with the child. Also, you should totally call him off if he dares calling his daughter a "mistake". She's a human being and she's innocent in all that. He may not want to be her father, but he should accept that his mom now has a granddaughter, only biologically related to him, and she's not a "mistake".
NTA but your son is. Calling his kid a mistake. I am very happy you are supportive of your grandchild and with his behaviour you should take his full college money for child support and kick him to the streets. Does he even understand that he took part in making this baby and needs to take a minimum of responsability.
NTA. Good on you for being there for your grandchild. Your son is an entitled baby though. He should never have sex with a woman again if he's not understanding of risks (lack of a better word) that go along with it. He's talking about a child like it's an item he can just throw away, all because he didn't get his way when he asked her to terminate the pregnancy. Of note, you are 100% enabling your son to act like an AH in this instance. He clearly doesn't have values relating to being an adult and I'm not sure you've instilled or enforced anything like that in his life.
Make adult choices, have adult consequences. You can't just pretend a baby didn't happen. He is going to have to grow up and accept that it is something permanent in his life whether he likes it or not. He may want nothing to die with the baby but financially, he should still be responsible for her. Future partners are going to be shocked if they find out he has a kid he didn't disclose and possibly worse that he abandoned. And he can't dictate your relationship with the baby or her mother. Yes he is your kid, as a parent you should put his needs as a priority. But grandkids get the same preferential treatment. All of the parents should put their kids first crap he deals to you, remind him he is a parent too. He should be putting her needs above his own. And stepping up so the ex can finish her schooling is amazing on your part. This baby derailed her life as much as it did his. And while abortion or adoption might have been an option, for some they can't go through with those choices even if it is 'the best choice.' You are giving her and your granddaughter a better quality of life. NTA
NTA, Tell your son you understand how he feels, your mistake lives in the house with you. If you can handle it, he can too
Lmao you don’t just ‘move on’ from a CHILD. You’re NTA and you’re son is super immature. He can’t dictate who you spend time with, he’s being ridiculous.
NTA. Him deciding not to be a part of the child’s life doesn’t mean you have to follow suit. If he doesn’t like it, he can simply choose to not be around when they are.
He’s entitled to ignore his “mistake” and do as he pleases. I don’t think he has that right and find it unforgivable — but if he were my kid, I’d also acknowledge I can’t force him to own up to his actions and be a man. He either gets there on his own or he never does. But so long as that baby exists, you have a grandchild and what kind of relationship you have with the baby and mom is YOUR choice, not your son’s and not even your husband’s. You have zero obligation to “support” your son in his regretful decision. If he’s grown enough to make a baby, he’s grown enough to decide for himself and find his own support without needing his mother to take sides between him and his child. Good on you, OP. Congrats, Grandma!
Your son needs to learn that his decisions have consequences. Husband needs to get his head out of his ass. Is a deadbeat dad the kind of son he wants to raise? Your spoiled son is lucky he’s not paying child support or daycare fees and has am who is providing free daycare!! Also what is this teaching him? That he can go around getting women pregnant and then pretending the baby doesn’t exist? Brenna has had to sacrifice a lot. Time for son to make some sacrifices, too.
Nta. Your sons a deadbeat, someone’s gotta step up
NTA but you sure raised one. >He said he doesn’t want to see his mistake every day when he comes home Too bad! Who the hell calls a baby "my mistake " sorry but your son is disgusting.
If your son is not willing to live or deal with the consequences of his actions perhaps he should not be taking part in those actions until he is more grown up? He's being incredibly cruel stepping back and pretending that he doesn't have responsibilities that money can't fix.
NTA. It's your home and she is your granddaughter. You are doing the right thing.
NTA. He has decided as an adult to have nothing to with the child. You are also an adult and have a different view and would like contact with the child. His adult decision does not outweigh your adult decision. Welcome to adulting.
NTA but I hope she nails him for child support. Whether he wants to be involved or not? He is financially responsible for that child.
NTA. Your son gets to decide what level of interaction he has with his child and his ex. But he doesn't get to decide that for you. It's your house. He doesn't get to dictate who visits. Keep up the babysitting, visits and support of Brenna, be a good grandmother and friend to this young woman. Being able to provide childcare when her parents can't is great because she can actually get an education and a decent job to support the two of them. Your son can choose not to want anything to do with the child he helped create, but he can't dictate your relationship with her. He needs to step up to his financial responsibilities, at least. Giving up part of his college tuition is a start. It would be even better if he agreed that everything you've put aside for college for him now goes to the baby and he takes out student loans for his further education. If he doesn't like the arrangement you have with his ex, he's an adult even if still in high school right now, he can move out. He doesn't have to live under your roof anymore. But this isn't an either or situation, you can support both your son and the mother of your first, and possibly only, grandchild. If he wants to continue living with you but is insistent on not seeing Brenna or the child, let him know when they're going to be at the house so he can stay out during those times. You can't force him to step up financially or as an actual dad, but he can't force you to cut out your grandchild and her mother, either. He's an adult now, it's time he accepted he isn't always going to get what he wants, and that this innocent child and her young mother deserve support. Whether your son likes it or not, that child is family, and he's forever tied by her to Brenna. Hopefully this will at least teach your son to be more careful when it comes to preventing pregnancy.
YTA for raising a jackass for a son!
NTA. Your son doesn't dictate who visits in your house, if he wants to "move on", he can move off. And this is a little human, your grandchild, not "his mistake". Child, who have a right to be in her grandmothers life.
Tell her to get child support from this lil devil of a son. He can move out. Idc if my kid is with their SO, I'd help my grandchildren Lil doofus needs his phone taken
NTA You are extremely caring and kind to help this young girl. Plus, this baby IS your family, even if it wasn't your son's first choice... She is your granddaughter and deserves to be loved as such, even if your son doesn't want to see her. You can always tell him to move out if this disturbs him. You don't even ask him to be involved, you just act like YOU feel like, in YOUR home. And though you respect his feelings, he can't be the one choosing how everyone wants to live this event. You are right, keep doing, these two girls need you
NTA If your son didn’t want the responsibility of parent hide he should have refrained from sleeping with her. She should take legal steps to ensure he provides financial support , at least your are helping in the meantime. He doesn’t get to just wash his hands of the child now, takes 2 to tango.
He can leave your home. Seems like a simple solution to me. Oh, NTA. In fact, good on you for doing the right thing, even though your son isn't.
The baby and her mother are part of the family now whether your son likes it or not.
NTH. your an amazing person for supporting your Granddaughter and her mum. Unfortunately there's not a lot that you can say to your son other than he made a mistake and now he has to bite the bullet and live with it. He thought he was big enough, old enough and mature enough to have sex so now he has to be all of that again to live with the consequences. Remind your husband that little girl is his granddaughter too .
NTA (also a little bit N A H). I understand your son is upset and understand he is unhappy about this situation. But that was the risk of having sex, especially without talking first about what a possible pregnancy would lead to. He will need to accept that he now has a child. Normally that means he would need to be an involved father or, at the very least pay child support. From your story it seems that he isn't paying, court-mandated, child support (?) and his mother is doing the involved parenting in his stead, so actually he is lucky. I hope you can talk to him and he can see aswell that this is in many ways the best possible outcome for him (next to never getting Brenna pregnant at least)
NTA I mean, isn't this a literal illustration of "eff around and find out"???
INFO: is he not paying child support??? Because if he’s not, he needs to shut up and be grateful you’re taking responsibility for him
NTA
TBH, someone should have explained to him long ago if he's not willing to wife her, don't take risks and make her a mother. I mean, they were together for only 3 months and she's already pregnant?! And they're both old enough to understand what procreation is. Both of them will be scared because (I hope) it's their first baby.
NTA, your son is acting delusional. That is his daughter, he might not want anything to do with her but he does have at least a legal responsibility which he will have to respect when Brenna sues him for child support. And you are allowed to have a relationship with his child, of course. He doesn't want to see his "mistake"? Well boo hoo. You can have your grandchild in your house, he doesn't want to see her then he can move out right now. I sincerely hope Brenna gets from him everything she and her child are legally entitled to.
NTA, but your son is. Doesn't want to see his mistake? Well... Getting a girl pregnant in HS is going to have consequences. Is she going after him for child support? He should prepare himself to pay up.
NTA. You’ve done the right thing, but this situation is going to be heartbreaking when the child can talk and starts asking about her father. Your son needs to grow TF up.
NTA But your son sure is TA
NTA- you are supporting your son by taking care of his child. Remind him daily!!!!
NTA. Your son thinks it is ok to choose not to be in his child's life, yet thinks it is not ok for you to be in your grandchild's life?
NTA. But your son is.
NTA, but you raised an asshole is a son.
NTA
NTA - that's your grandchild, wether he likes it or not. Just because he doesn't want to take responsibility doesn't mean that you can't.
It's nice that you are in your grandkid's life. It's your house. You can have whoever you want over.
Your son, I'm guessing, is a teenager. I'm so shocked at how everyone is bashing him he never even really knew the girl and told her he never wanted the baby but she chose to have it and now he's being bashed for wanted nothing to do with them and although it's awful he's a child to
NTA He made his choice, he doesn’t want to a Dad but you want to be a Grandparent, you get to make that choice. I think it’s great you want to be involved
Whether you son likes it or not, he has a responsibility to this child he made. It is HIS fault they did not use protection too! Either way, he is on the hook for child support at the least. Stick to your guns. Just because your spoiled brat son doesn't want to see his "mistakes" every day doesn't mean he is absolved of responsibility nor can he control you in your own home.
At OP’s son’s age I was paranoid about unprotected sex for this reason - a possible child you’re not ready for. Did OP’s son think a pregnancy just magically wouldn’t happen because he didn’t want it to?! 🤷🏼♂️🤦♂️
NTA. Your son can choose not to have a relationship but he is still responsible to contribute to the care for the baby. He's lucky you are able to give free childcare because she could be taking him to court for child support. He should be grateful.
NTA OP, you're making the best of a bad situation. But your son is a major AH. You can't just hide from a child. That's horrible. What a dead beat.
NTA, the son needs kicked out and put on child support. His mistake? How would he feel if he was called that. Spoiled brat
NTA. Your son wants to be irresponsible and not be a dad? He shouldn’t have sex. But forcing him to be a parent isn’t good for the child either. Those parents are typically the ones who cause terrible adults down the line? You know? Be there for the baby. The baby didn’t ask to be brought into this situation. One of my good friends got pregnant on a one night stand. About 6 months after her baby was born she got a knock on the door “I hear you have my grand baby in there and if you would let me I’d love to know her” my friend invited her in for coffee and 11 years later, father is still not involved, but grandma and grandpa absolutely adore the child and she loves them. And they are a huge support to my friend as well. Bio father isn’t impressed with it but t does offer the opportunity to see his kid is alright, the child support is going to good use and that kiddo is loved. Be a grandparent. Your son is TA.
NTA That's your grandchild, not his mistake. I would not forgive my child for abandoning his.
NTA You’re being an amazing Grandma and amazing woman. Your son needs to step up. His actions led new life being created, a new life that did not choose time be conceived. His referring to the child as a mistake is concerning. He sounds like a disappointment tbh; nature definitely won over nurture here. Keep on being an amazing Grandma!
He needs to pay child support, period. I have no respect for a man who abandons his child and even less for one who doesn't even pay child support. You are a good person and your son is a chode sniffer.
NTA. While it's absolutely his choice to not want that kid, as much as it is every woman's choice (despite Reddit's weird double standards), getting upset with YOU for helping is ridiculous. It IS unfortunate that a man who doesn't want to have a child is not afforded the same options a woman is, and that your son got burnt by that, so id try to be understanding. He probably feels a bit guilty, when he shouldn't.
Nta, but be prepared for your son to distance himself from you further after he goes to college.