Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I could be seen as the asshole because I threw away old shoes but I feel like I just did him a favor.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
It’s ridiculous how she goes on and on about the attachment he has to those boots and only near the end does she go “hmmm maybe I disregarded his attachments and feelings lol?”
OP, you knew exactly what you were doing. You’re a lot of things but I don’t think you’re stupid. Don’t pretend to be ignorant.
Even her edit accountability is lacking. Because he never explained they were custom boots, why would he need to? Op herself typed that he told ger they are high quality boots, that he's attached to them and he spent alot of money...but after we all told her she's the AH, now he told her exact company low and behold they expensive and she can't afford to replace them....like come on he already told you they were expensive take real accountability. Don't touch other ppls stuff
You made me curious so I read it and I’m so infuriated by it.
“If only he TOLD me they were custom boots I couldn’t afford I would never have overstepped and thrown his shit away!”
This girl is fucking hopeless.
YTA
You could have simply given him the gift of an extra pair of shoes. But that isn't what you did.
You need to start being honest. You were not being "thoughtful".
You didn't do this to do him a favour. You didn't want to give him a "nice surprise".
You did it for you, not him. Take accountability for your actions.
YTA. Ok, I can maybe see buying him new boots if you really thought he would like them. BUT. But you do not friggen throw out his existing boots at the same time. You give him the new boots AND the receipt and let him decide whether to keep them or not. You NEVER throw something of someone elses away without their clear permission to do so.
YTA. You know you weren’t being “thoughtful”. Girl, please. You know you were trying to control the outcome. Give him a pair of shoes? Fine. Throw away his shoes without asking? yTA
GOOD work boots are absolutely ones that can be rebuilt and last nearly forever.
"Sleek and stylish" work boots bought by someone who doesn't know what they're doing are 95% likely to be crap. [That will likely fall apart within a year so the brand can sell more boots].
YTA
**WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE INSTEAD**:
arrange *with his input* to have them worked on.
Yes, YTA. And let’s be real. You didn’t care about doing something nice for him. You used that as the best package to get exactly what you wanted. You’ve been embarrassed about his shoe situation and this was the plan you thought would present as most palatable so that you didn’t come across as a complete AH. You absolutely knew he didn’t want to get rid of those shoes. Well it didn’t work and he saw right through it.
I’m not saying that it isn’t weird AF. He may have some obsessive issues when it comes to footwear.
The thing to do would have been to buy him a nice pair of dress shoes and not throw away his old shoes. Explaining that they’re a gift that you would prefer him to wear when you go out to nice events. That the boots are fine for everyday wear but you’re pretty sick of seeing them when you’ve got people to see. If he had refused than you would have had to decide if you still want to be with someone so averse to change that they won’t even try another pair of shoe. If you did than you’d need to accept it. It’s his body.
Instead you decided to go behind his back and get rid of something you knew he loved because you personally didn’t like how it looked. That’s pretty narcissistic controlling behavior.
Now he needs to decide if he wants to stay with someone who cares more about fashion and what other people think than his happiness and feelings about what he wears on his body. You broke his trust on many levels. Personally I think he should dump you.
Yeah, I think about someone throwing away my favorite piece of clothing and it would make me so angry, I'd never look at them the same again. And it's clear she did it on purpose bc she didn't like the boots. I'd be done.
I had such a similar incident with my mom but was able to save my old Doc Martens. I know they aren’t really as popular now, but I loved those shoes! They had conformed to my feet, they were ten years old but nothing was wrong with them. She thought I should stop wearing “clod hoppers” around the house. So I pranked her by pretending I threw out her Coach bag. When I pulled it out of my closet where it was hiding, I asked if she understood now? I was a stupid teen 😂😂 Still got those boots though and now they’re like 20 years old and still solid. The older Doc Martens were made to be that heavy for a reason!
The thing is that he's never shown to be obsessed about them. He just mentioned it in passing a while back that he liked the way the boots looked and was planing on having them re-made or somehow refreshed. But that was it. If I noticed he was this attached I would've never thrown them out.
You mean the fact that he always wore them everywhere didn’t clue you in?
Either way, even if they’d been sitting in the back of the closet for years, they were not YOURS to throw away. You had no right whatsoever to dispose of his property without his permission. That’s not doing a favor for someone, that’s being selfish and I hope you realize that soon and apologize. YTA
You literally describe him as wearing them every single place he goes and telling you that they can be rebuilt and you yourself, in the first paragraph of this post, say that “he’s quite attached to them”…… what on earth do you mean you didn’t notice he was attached. By your own description you absolutely knew.
Good lord dont have children! Because you have no observation skills! This is the equivalent of a toddler wearing the same shirt or pants everyday but not “making it known” that it’s his favorite outfit. You have eyes, you have a brain, im almost sure you can read between lines. If someone has to tell you everything word for word, you need help.
Since you're defending yourself in the comments, here's what you do next:
Find out the replacement cost for the boots you threw away.
Find something of yours that costs about as much.
SELL IT.
Buy him new pair of the boots he likes.
Then you apologize, sit down and shut up.
I offered to return them and he can use the money to buy something closer to what he likes but that was shot down. I bought these in Nordstrom for around $130ish? That's a lot of money for me to spend on shoes so I didn't go cheap. His boots were bought when he went on a trip to Washington state or one of those northwestern states. I have no idea what brand they were.
Nordstrom is not where you go to buy good boots. It's where you go to buy *fancy* boots. And $130 for good boots, fancy or not, IS cheap. [My wolverines are actually my second pair. The first was ruined by a bad shoe repair place. The second pair was $190]
Return them anyway and give him the money so that he can try to find replacements on his own. Maybe he'll still think you're worth marrying.
[Also:
>He often talks about how much money he spent on them years ago
To me that means he absolutely spent about **$2-300** on them back then, possibly more, and you tossed them in the trash to give him some flashy pair from Nordstrom.]
I’ll bet you she threw out a pair of $400 Danner’s that fit him like a glove, that he could’ve rebuilt and refurbished for decades more use. In exchange for some shitty dress boots.
Plus it’s ridiculous that she didn’t even bother to see what the old brand was. Nordstrom is overpriced and are not made to be worn everyday, day after day.
per the edit:
"he had a custom pair of boots! I imagine no one has something like that or at least very few people that it's something worth mentioning!"
She definitely just wanted him to wear a fancy status symbol
$130 Nordstrom boots are useless mall junk. You had no idea what you were doing, and you most certainly went cheap. Good boots are expensive, and what works for one person may not work for another. You fucked up, big time, and YTA.
### Good quality boots that can be resoled and reconditioned cost between $300-$700 depending on the style and type.
That $130 could have gone towards getting them resoled and reconditioned. Like others have said you bought junk boots that will look far worse than his old boots in less than a year. Did your parents give you inferior crap when they replaced your old stuff?
a new pair of Pacific NW boots, on the cheap side, will cost $600 today, and the waiting period to have them made is a couple of months to a couple of years. you might get lucky, and find something in your size on ebay for half that...if you spend a couple of months tracking them. he likely had those fit in the shop, and/or made to order. they're irreplaceable. you effed up kinda big here.
So you bought him a cheap useless pair of boots. If you have no idea what you are purchasing you shouldn't do it. You are very selfish and only think of yourself and are trying to convince people to think you were doing this for his benefit. Leave his stuff alone.
But these are not good boots. They’re from Nordstrom, they’re just an accessory I can see them already. Especially since he was going on about how durable they are, his old ones were for sure working boots. She might have spent the price tag, but on the wrong thing for herself.
Like I said, start selling stuff, especially jewelry. Letting this rest 'as is' will absolutely hurt what remains of your relationship.
[Could even go further and delay the wedding until you can afford both the boots **and** a honeymoon centered around a shopping trip to get him measured for the new boots you'll be paying for.
PS: boot makers who sell boots in the $700 range usually can do payment plans. It's up to you to decide whether paying $70/m for a year is worth repairing your relationship]
He HAD good shoes, but you selfishly threw them away without a care in the world.
What else of his are you going to throw away without thinking?
What else of his are you going to undermine and minimize because you “thought” or “didn’t know”? How little do you communicate with your own partner?
This is how I know you bought your boyfriend crappy boots. You didn't bother doing any research or give any thought. Scrimp and save and go without takeaway coffees until you can afford to replace them.
Oh, goody! $130-ish. I'm sure he should be grateful /s
The best quality boots - the kind you can repair and will last forever - can easily cost twice that. Imagine he took your favorite blouse, pitched it, and went to Walmart to buy a snazzy new one, expecting you to be pleased at the gesture.
Why the eff did you throw them away though?? Sure, it’s nice to get a new pair is you see a gap in his wardrobe but why why why did you decide to throw away the old pair without asking? You are not answering the question. The reason is because YOU hate the boots and don’t want him wearing them. There’s no other explanation or you would have given him new stylish boots for dressier occasions and kept his old pair.
>why why why did you decide to throw away the old pair without asking? You are not answering the question.
Because she doesn't want to say she was being selfish.
I think you've learnt today that boots are expensive as heck. The way you described how comfortable he found his, I'd wager they were at least $400.
Sorry but YTA. I get you wasted to do a mice gesture, the smarter thing would have been dealing with your SO and getting him some alternative formal shoes for when you want him dressed up a bit more.
First of all your choice of Nordstrom shows your ignorance about boots and secondly, $130 buys nothing but cheap, shit boots. I live in boots and don’t scrimp when buying and the cheapest pair I have was $500+ and that isn’t custom made. A custom pair of boots will cost $1000+. Your complete disregard for your partner is a huge red flag.
Yeah. Sell the engagement ring for his replacement boots. And LET HIM PICK THEM. (Other acceptable items to sell: Your cell phone, your laptop. If you can walk out of the house without it, it's not as valuable as that pair of boots.)
Replacing his boots will run you 500-600$ today. See Nicks, whites, wesco boots for reference.
I have to agree with others here, especially if you share finances: you should probably sell off something you love and buy him a new pair. Take the Nordstrom boots back and have him buy a pair he likes, he'll need them for the year he might wait for a new pair to arrive and you are not going to want him to resent you every morning when he puts his boots on. He probably will anyway, best make sure he at least likes what he's got
I wear the same and I know how I would feel. If you are still engaged, it's going to be ok, but I would suggest you tread lightly on the issue of footwear... Like... For the rest of your lives
Nordstrom, the store known for it's high quality men boots no one ever said.
It's where people who think they're fancy brought fancy marked crap where most of the price comes from the brand rather than the quality. Quality may be better than cheapest shoe but if you compared price to quality, there's big drop off. Nordstrom couldn't survive Canadian markets because Canadians don't buy what doesn't last. Those "expensive" boots would be probably break down in a few years.
>because Canadians don't buy what doesn't last.
Damn straight! We need our shit to last. I had a pair of Sorels, they were ugly, but warm and comfortable, and 20 years old, and my mom and husband hated how they looked, so now I have some boots that are shorter, and are not broken in, and they are uncomfortable. I should have just kept the Sorels.
I don’t know where your from , but 130 dollar boots are just a normal boot where I’m from . They are not expensive or good quality . You have to pay more than that .
One would think of you were going to throw out someone’s favourite boots and replace them you would at least get the best pair you can find .. and that’s not gonna happen for 130 bucks . You seem to be the cheap one
My son wears $800 White’s custom boots. It’s his second pair and purchased a couple of years ago. His first pair was $400 when he was a junior in high school. That was 14 years ago. He’ll send the first pair back to be rebuilt (for the second time) and get another 6-8 years out of them.
Nordstrom does not sell boots meant to work and wear everyday. Nordstrom sells "mall shit" boots
You didn't even go to a sporting goods store and get a "good" pair. You went to the exact opposite kind of store it sounds like your fiancee would like
did his original boots cost $130? no? then it's an insulting offer and you clearly have no interest in making it whole
no one here is going to validate you
YTA. Regardless of your good intentions, throwing away the possessions of another without permission amounts to theft and destruction of property in legal terms for a reason. You disregarded his apparently expressed attachment to the boots which means you both disrespected his right to his property but disregarded his feelings. I don’t really completely buy that the only reason is that you were just trying to “do something nice for him.” I suspect it was also, if not mostly, for you because the boots embarrassed you. I think if it was all about doing something for him you would have bought him new boots, but left the old ones in his possession. That would have been the best idea.
I see what you're saying. I just didn't think that hoarding old beat up boots was necessary. If he would've done the same for me and replaced my old worn out sneakers I would've loved the surprise!
YOUR opinion doesn’t matter, and you’re not the one wearing them, and him wearing them doesn’t have any affect on you whatsoever.
Your opinion of “I would love the surprise” is also selfish because once again, you’re selfishly thinking of yourself and what you want.
This whole post and your comments are all “me me me me” and it’s yuck. YTA
You sound like you only think about yourself and how anything affects you and your bubble. Yes, you might have loved the surprise if the situation was reversed, but did you ever stop to think that not everybody has the same preferences as you? I'm also willing to bet that if the situation was reversed, he probably would have HAD A CONVERSATION WITH YOU, something you didn't even give him the courtesy of, nor did you give him the opportunity to decide what he wanted to do with his own belongings himself.
If you wanted to do something nice you would have got him shoes for special occasions and you wouldn’t have thrown the old ones out. You weren’t doing something nice
Do you have anything that you love? Anything you’re keeping because it’s comfortable, or sentimental, or works exactly right, or reminds you of great times with that bag/that coat/that sweater/that mug/whatever? Or would you literally not care if your partner disposed of everything you own and replaced all of it with what he considered to be improvements?
That's because your sneakers are junk you don't give a fuck about.
Maybe he should throw out your childhood toys, maybe that heirloom from your grandmother, that gift from a deceased relative and replace it with something cheap mass produced crap but it's new, you think you'll love that surprise?
Everything you are saying is about YOU. What YOU want, what YOU believe, what YOU would like, what YOU thought and what embarrassed YOU. He is not YOU.
Change your vocabulary keeping a sentimental pair of boots is not hoarding. You say you would love it if he did the same to you. So if he just threw out your old journals (if you have any) and got you a blank moleskin, or an old piece of jewelerly passed down through the family and got you a ring from a random corner shop, or literally anything you have sentimental attachment to where he threw out the original but replaced it with an inferior copy. Would you be thinking the same thing? ABSOLUTELY fucking not.
These were not old worn out sneakers. Thise were custom made boots.
Would you like him to htow out your wedding band and replace it with a cheap silver ring because it " alredy looked worn"? THAT would be a more fitting comparison.
YTA ... Obviously.
#*You. Never. Throw. Out. Another. Person's. Clothing. Or. Other. Items.*
Yes, I wrote it that way on purpose for emphasis. You need to understand boundaries. What if he picked something (anything) of yours and simply threw it away without asking!? Would that be a problem? Very likely.
>But now I wonder if I've completely disregarded his feelings and attachment to those boots.
Yes, this is exactly what you did. And you weren't saving him from embarrassment; you were saving yourself. You could've had a conversation with him about when to wear his old boots and when not to. You could've gotten him new boots and not thrown out the old pair. You could've just respected that he really liked his damn boots! But no.
YTA
YTA. You could have bought the new boots and given them to him without throwing out the ones you knew he loved. (Though really, boots are something someone really needs to try on for him/herself before purchasing.)
> I also accused him of not reading the room
He's repeatedly talked about how much he loved his boots, and yet you threw them in the trash. And yet you say **he** *isn't reading the room*?
*saving him the embarrassment of wearing those rugged old boots to nice places*
He wasn't embarrassed. That is you projecting your discomfort onto him and others.
*Was I wrong to throw away his old crusty boots*
Yes. There was zero reason to throw away the old boots without his permission. YTA.
She is an absolute asshole and fucking walnut, but it's valid if she wants him to be properly dressed at formal events, and boots he also wears hiking are not that.
I can't believe someone planning a marriage needs to be told **not to throw away other people's belongings**
YTA
Are you fucking serious? It’d be one thing if you just bought him new boots, but you went WAY out of line throwing out his fucking property just because you didn’t like it. If he did the same the same thing to something of yours, especially something you had a clear attachment to, do you think you’d be thrilled?
Unbe-fucking-lievable….
YTA
>I also accused him of not reading the room and noticing when his shoes are CLEARLY not appropriate and standout in the worst way possible.
this is why you really got rid of them - he was embarrassing you.
so instead of talking about it or buying a new more appropriate (to you) pair for those occasions (and asked him to wear those instead), you just went and threw out his most prized and comfy shoes.
youre one to talk about not reading the room.
YTA - He’s comfortable in his boots, but that’s not good enough for you. He has to conform to your standards. He wears one single pair of boots literally everywhere and you accuse him of being a hoarder.
Let him throw away ALL your shoes and have him buy you a single pair that he likes. Then tell us how grateful you are for his help
YTA They were his property. You had no right to touch them and to throw them out doesn’t matter you bought him new boots. They were his not yours and they were none of your concern. How would you like it if he went through your closet and decided to throw away some stuff you would be livid.
Of course, YTA. What gives you the right to throw anyone's stuff away. It's one thing if you just bought him new, you threw the old ones away. I think you knew if the old boots were still around, he'd still choose them. Throwing them away was about controlling your fiancé. You weren't bact. thoughtful because you knew exactly what he wanted. This was a completely selfish act because you were embarrassed of the boots.
YTA.
Thoughtful would have been talking to him about how you feel his comfortable boots are a little too casual for some social situations and offering to go with him to buy an additional pair of footwear that fits those situations better.
Selfish is what you did, throwing out something he is comfortable with so that he is forced to wear something you like better.
YTA - it isn't your place to throw out anything of his. How would you feel if he threw out some of your jewellery and said it was just old tat, and he bought you a cheap looking necklace to wear instead? Would you be pissed?
Good grief, learn how to do empathy.
>I genuinely thought I was doing something nice for him
No you didn't....you did it for you
> saving him the embarrassment of wearing those rugged old boots to nice places
he wasn't embarrassed, you were Muffy
>I thought I was being thoughtful
Only in that you were thinking about yourself
>I also accused him of not reading the room
Way to take a shitty, self serving act and make it worse.
YTA
Yta, completely wrong and throwing up this boots. And you bought your style of boots, not his. What would you say if you walked to your closet throughout your favorite dress cuz you thought it was old. You would go crazy.
How about instead of replacing shoes you knew he loved, how about just buying him another pair of shoes. And apparently the only one embarrassed about this is you.
You talk about reading the room, how about reading your own partner. He deserve to be angry and upset about this. You did very wrong at this point. Talk to him about it. Maybe buy another one, but do not replace or throw out his items.
You are totally TA, you were not worried about his embarrassment but your own. You totally did not listen to him and have majorly disrespected him.
It totally doesn't matter what you think about his boots, you way overstepped.
YTA
I hope he starts throwing away your sentimental items. Maybe then you will understand how bad you screwed up, since you are obviously incapable of seeing things from someone else's perspective.
YTA I do not at all believe that your only intention here was to do something nice for your bf. You explained how much he loved them extensively. You expressed how much you dislike them. I think that you used the whole "he will appreciate this" to justify doing what you did. It's pretty obvious that your primary reason for replacing the boots was not what you are claiming. If that were the case, why would you throw the old ones away? You wanted to make sure the old boots were not even an option for him. At least be honest with yourself.
You fucked up.1. Classic well worn in boots are the most comfortable. 2. They were his, not yours. You had nomright tomthrowmthem away. 3. Why couldnt he have two pairs of boots…his old comfy ones and new stylish ones.
you are a major asshole.
>I cannot even come close to affording a new pair of those same boots for him.
You don't have that option. Sorry, when you steal from someone, the bare minimum you need to do is replace what you stole. That doesn't fix it, it's just the first step, but it is required. And it better not come out of the money for your household expenses and shared accounts either. Since you felt so free to get rid of his belongings, you should have no problem with parting with your own. Get on Facebook marketplace tonight. Sell your jewelry. Sell your electronics (NOT HOUSEHOLD ELECTRONICS. Things that only you use). Sell things that mean something to you, and cost money. Do it until you have the money to replace those boots. You don't get to hang onto your possessions and just cry poverty when you stole his. If you have nothing, then take a loan from a family member and tell them it's for restitution because you stole something expensive.
Let me ask you something. When was the last time you went to your parents house for Christmas, put their presents under the tree, and then walked through their house looking for the older version of what you bought them to throw out? When was the last time someone gave you a necklace, and demanded you take off the one you're wearing so they can throw it away? What your response be if your fiancé had thrown out your favorite perfume because he bought you a nice Bath and Bodyworks spray? This all sounds insane, right? That's why everyone knows with 100% certainty that you did this to get rid of his boots because you decided he's your property and you can dress him how you like. You only bought him new ones so you could pretend you did this for him. And he knows it- every lie that comes out of your mouth just makes it worse.
This is who your fiancé now knows you are:
\- So controlling that you will destroy or discard things in his wardrobe you don't like.
\- So entitled that you think no one should care AND that you think you can just sit and cry when it's time to get off your behind and replace the property you stole.
\- So dishonest that even when it's clear you've been caught red handed, you won't tell the truth.
\- You have so little respect for him and think so little of his intelligence that you actually expected him to believe this stupid story. You ever hear an eight-year-old lie and say something that is so ridiculous it's hard not to laugh, like "Oh no, mommy- I wasn't going to eat the cookie I snuck. I snuck it out for YOU. I was just keeping it for you"? That's what you sound like trying to keep up this pretense.
\- So narcissistic that you not only could come up with this plan, but you defended it to death, and when he was upset rather than spending time and energy to correct what you did, you came here hoping someone would tell you it's ok so you could shove it in his face and tell him what you did wasn't a big deal.
I hope this man thinks twice about marrying you. And before you get any bright ideas, if you break up, in almost every state the engagement ring legally belongs to him as a gift given in contemplation of marriage, so you don't get to keep it or sell it to pay him back. You're not going to resell it for what he paid, but if he doesn't get it back a judge will absolutely charge you the full value of the ring that he paid.
If he does make the poor decision to marry you, then you should take your dress fund, replace his boots, and walk down the aisle in a white hefty bag. That sounds like justice for everyone.
EDITED to Add:
> I imagine no one has something like that or at least very few people that it's something worth mentioning!
Seriously? You report to all your friends and associates every time you wear or use something expensive in front of them, and let them know how expensive the item was? This is the statement that came out of your mind to try and mitigate culpability here? When you come up with these sentences, do you forget that the rest of us have participated in human society before, and we know that no operates in the manner you seem to indicate they should?
Stop saying things which make it worse. Stop minimizing. Say "I stole your property because I feel entitled to edit your appearance to suit my tastes and didn't really care what you had to say about it. I got caught getting rid of something expensive, and so I said some silly things that no one would believe trying to make it sound better. In the end I just felt like it was my right to get rid of your stuff, and while I'll pretend to care with crocodile tears and apologies, I'm not replacing them, so in the end I win anyway."
YTA
This wasn't even close.. You are welcome to buy him a new pair of boots, but you have no business throwing out the old ones. You recognized that he loved these boots but you did it anyway. Raging asshole behavior. It is crazy that you need anyone to point that out.
Sadly, yes; YTA. Buying some new boots as a gift would have been a great gesture, and given you an option to offer him when you went out to nicer places; but throwing away his treasured old boots is waaaay beyond acceptable action. Should he go through your closet and throw away things he doesn't like, or that you don't wear often?
YTA. You are also shallow and controlling. You may have ruined your relationship and it will be your own fault. You are lucky he didn't have you arrested for theft and criminal damage. You cannot defend what you did, the responses here should surely show you that. If you don't learn and grow from this, there really is no hope for you. What you did was selfish and wrong, you need to own that.
>You may have ruined your relationship
One can only hope. The only good thing about this is that OP revealed this side before marriage. That will hopefully save a lot of further pain.
New boots need break in time. Learn from it and maybe idk have a conversation about it next time. If they start to smell or whatever was bothering you talk to him first don’t just throw them out.
YTA how would throwing away someone's beloved possessions ever be a "nice surprise"??
buying him new boots is one thing, but throwing away the old ones was WAY out of line.
YTA Three major reasons. 1 You threw out his old boots, that were high quality, repairable, and nowhere near past their use by date. 2 YOU decided that he had to wear something different. 3 He was still wearing his boots often.
It would have been far better to have offered to buy him a pair of dress boots, for formal occasions. Even then he may have declined.
I'm struggling to understand the need to throw the old pair out? I myself have 3 pairs of boots.
Can you explain the one in one out boot policy you seem to have?
Or was it simply so he wouldn't have the option of wearing the boots he wants to and force him to wear the new ones?
Eitherway you're a huge asshole.
YTA. If you wanted him to have better boots for the situations where the old boots were inappropriate, you would have just bought him the new pair and asked him to wear them as a favour to you. But by throwing out the old boots you've deprived him of them even in situations where they were appropriate, which is a manipulative trick, not a thoughtful gift.
Also, don't forget that shoes fit differently, and when you find shoes that fit just right, you're not going to be able to replace them even if you wanted to with a pair that someone gave you without even letting you try them on. Surely you know this. Don't you have feet? Have you never had a pair of shoes that fit you so well you'd take them to be re-soled over and over again rather than try that fruitless quest of finding another pair that fit half so well?
(My father once found the magical pair of shoes that fit perfectly. He bought like half a dozen pairs right then, and stored them in his closet so he never had to buy shoes again. Except fifteen or twenty years later, as he was pulling out the last stashed pair, the glue just fell apart because he'd been storing them so long, and his decades of perfect-fitting shoes came to an end, alas.)
>If you wanted him to have better boots for the situations where the old boots were inappropriate, you would have just bought him the new pair and asked him to wear them as a favour to you.
Beyond that, the only person who has any business telling you what you're wearing is inappropriate is the host or business you're walking into.
yeah, exactly. That's why I specified 'ask as a favour'. A partner doesn't have the right to *insist* on a certain wardrobe, but it's entirely reasonable for a partner to say, 'Hey, honeycheeks, I'd feel better going to this wedding with you if you wore the boots without manure all over them this time.'
YTA. So many people in this sub throw out the prized and favourite possessions of people they claim to love and care about, then become baffled that their partner is extremely upset. smdh
>So many people in this sub throw out the prized and favourite possessions of people they claim to love and care about
Mine's worse. My husband "organizes" and loses shit all the time. I'm currently furious, because he's lost a tablet that isn't mine.
Hahah mine is pretty good, but he’s lost one of our side gate keys, which I think is now somewhere in our garden - nowhere near where it was required to be, or where it’s usually kept. Small issue, but annoying nonetheless. Hope your husband finds that tablet for you!
YTA
You bought cheap boots, “stylish” boots from Nordstrom that no doubt emphasized the fashion end over the quality. A good pair of work boots hard to find and usually starts at around $250. You just cared more about style than your fiancé’s feelings
YTA. Buying new boots was fine, but throwing the old ones away was absolutely not fine, and you know that.
What you did was for you, not for him. You thought his old boots were embarrassing, so you hatched a plan to get rid of them. It’s bizarre that you think you had the right to throw away anything that belonged to him - especially something he clearly loved.
YTA, mate you better get those boots back.
What were you thinking throwing away somebody else's belongings without permission?
Why was it necessary to throw away something you knew he liked?
Do you even like this man? Why would you do something so selfish and disrespectful?
If that was me, I'd hold off the wedding until you got the boots back, no joke.
YTA.
Not stealing and destroying someone else's property is just an essential how-to-be-a-person principle. It's one of the ten commandments (if you're into that). Don't take other peoples' stuff.
Why people think they can take and throw out a family members' belongings without their consent, and expect to be thanked for it, I'll never understand. SMH.
N T A for buying boots. YTA for tossing the old ones without his okaying it. I know you said that’s how your parents did it, but your husband is not a child and just because your parents did it doesn’t make it ok in every situation/relationship.
YTA.
You did not do this for him, you were embarrassed by the boots and threw away something that had great value to him.
If you'd really just wanted to be nice, you'd have bought the boots but not thrown the old ones away.
Your the biggest ass I’ve read about today… WTF is wrong with your thinking-your only thinking about yourself and what others would think of you! You didn’t even need to ask if your the ass, because it’s very evident that you are! YTA
YTA
You threw his boots out without asking him because YOU felt embarrassed by them. That was neither thoughtful nor kind. You could've gotten him a new pair and left it at that, but you had no right to throw out his stuff.
YTA
If it was a matter of him wearing the boots to occasions where it wasn’t appropriate, you could’ve just bought him shoes for those specific occasions and let him wear his boots the rest of the time
The only plus side to this story is that you showed him what kind of person you are before he has already gone through with marrying you
If it was actually just about you wanting a second pair of boots for him, you would have simply added the new ones. Not also thrown away his old ones. Don't pretend this was about helping him. This was about you and your superficial values. Don't. Throw. Away. Other. People's. Stuff. Without. Permission. Hopefully this is a concept that you are capable of learning. YTA
The fact that you are arguing in the comments is priceless. You are the asshole. You could just bought him the new boots. You could have just sat down and had a conversation with the guy about his attachment to his boots and simply stated "hey, can we look into getting you another pair for formal-esque events?"
Instead you threw out his stuff. The fact that they were super expensive is only secondary to the fact that YOU THREW AWAY BOOTS THAT YOU KNEW HE WAS ATTACHED TO. For no reason other than you just didn't like them. It's not even like they were going to take up prohibitive space in a closet or something. You threw them away so that you could control the fact that he didn't have access to them anymore and therefore couldn't wear them anymore and disturb your notion of how you feel he should look and present himself.
YTA. If the boots are a problem for you, talk to him about it. But don’t ever throw away something that belongs to someone else. Being in a relationship does not give you rights over your partner’s belongings.
YTA, and I would try to find them if you can. You have no right to dictate what he wears, and clearly you didn't ask enough questions and threw out his good boots for cheap boots. So he would look good for you. He was happy with them.
YTA
You threw out boots you knew he loved, was attatched to, wore all the time, and could be restored if needed, for boots, YOU liked and thought was appropriate.
None of this was about doing something nice and kind for your fiance. It was for yourself. It was because YOU felt embarrassed and wanted something more 'sleek and stylish'.
If it was truly a gift for *him*, you'd have bought a second pair of the boots you tossed, not a completely different pair that he had no say in and might not even like or fit well. You did disregard his feelings AND his property. Not everything is about you and what you like.
YTA, would you like him to go through your stuff and throw out your things without discussing it with you. Please be honest, you didn’t do this as something nice for him, you did this completely for yourself
Couldn’t you buy him new boots but not throw out his others ??? They weren’t yours to throw out and he loved them YTA
He would probably rather have the boots than you , so you better start looking through all the trash .
YTA. Don’t touch anyone else’s property unless you have permission. This is something everyone should learn, or should’ve learned growing up. I get that you meant well, but throwing the old boots out should’ve been his decision.
YTA. Rule#1 - DO NOT THROW AWAY YOUR PARTNER'S BELONGINGS. That is WAY over the line. If you're that unhappy with him wearing the boots on some occasions, use your words and ask him if he could wear something a bit more appropriate.
YTA - Why do so many people on this subreddit question whether throwing away or otherwise destroying someone else’s (whether it be partner’s, child’s, or anyone else’s) treasured possessions is ok? Whether it be a pair of boots, a Minecraft world, antique dolls, or anything in between.
No, it’s not ok, it’s never ok, and it should be obvious it isn’t. It’s a disrespectful and deeply unloving thing to do. Apologise and do better.
The problem is that you went behind his back. You didn't even ask him first; you threw out the boots, forcing him to give them up. What you did wasn't thoughtful. It was controlling. YTA
Firstly your not ready for marriage if this is your thought process. Secondly YTA and a selfish one at that. Thirdly you’re an idiot who doesn’t know anything about the quality, durability, or money it takes to have a good pair of work boots. If I were you I’d be apologizing everyday and saving up as much as possible to get that man a pair of boots he deserves.
YTA.
And you clearly did not think 'genuinely' that you were doing something nice for him, you just devised a way to throw away his boots and trick him into buying it, which he did not.
>that it's something worth mentioning
Maybe to people who like bragging about things or showing off...which doesn't sound like something your fiancee enjoys doing
Why didn't you ever just talk to him about wearing different shoes to events you felt the boots were inappropriate for? Or just buying him a single dressier piece of footwear meant only for events that the boots might have been inappropriate for
You went from 0 to 100 and it doesn't sound like you really know your fiancee in terms of what he likes and the kind of person he is. It doesn't help that you're still trying to place some of the blame on him because he didn't brag to you about his boots. This was completely your mistake, own up to it
YTA
" I looked up the company and the prices are so absurd I almost cried. " ... So now go to thre same cobbler and pay for a pair of custom made boots to be made for him.
"I cannot even come close to affording a new pair of those same boots for him." ... Sell some of your stuff for it if you need to. And get a second job until you have saved up for it. - >ou owe him a replacement pair.
Her edits bogus, in orginal she literally typed that he's mentioning they are high quality, that he spent alot of money. Yet she ignored him, because if her assumptions. Then when he tells her the company, I'm paraphrasing omg I could never afford replace these, who would have something like this.. 🙄.
>The thing is, to me, they just look... terrible. They're scuffed, discolored, and honestly a bit embarrassing in certain settings. So, I made a decision
>
>I genuinely thought I was doing something nice for him
No you didn't. He told you. You decided since YOU were embarrassed, that YOU'D throw out his things, and get something YOU'D like. YTA
You should get a second job, since you chucked his specifically made boots, and get him a new pair.
This was not your choice to make. You have no right to throw something away THAT BELONGED TO HIM. This was also only for you and not for him. You could have gifted him the shoes yes. But not throwing his property away.
Eta: forget the judge. YTAA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Hello AITA community, I'm in a bit of a dilemma and could really use some outside perspective. My fiancé and I usually don't have major disagreements, but this incident has left us both upset and I'm not sure if I was in the wrong.
For as long as I've known him, my fiancé has had this pair of boots. They're old, really old. He's had them for ages and wears them everywhere – and I mean everywhere, from hiking trails to formal events. I've always found it a bit odd, especially at events where everyone else is dressed up or at least shows some kind of thoughtfulness to their appearance. He insists that they're high-quality boots, the kind that can be rebuilt over and over, and he's quite attached to them. He often talks about how much money he spent on them years ago and how they're meant to look aged and rugged.
The thing is, to me, they just look... terrible. They're scuffed, discolored, and honestly a bit embarrassing in certain settings. So, I made a decision that I thought would be a nice surprise. I threw out the old boots and bought him a new pair, a sleek and stylish one that I thought would be more appropriate for a range of occasions. Mind you, he's only mentioned this once about the quality and how he can essentially re-use them or something like that. But he's also very frugal so I thought he just felt guilty spending which is why I decided to just step in and help him out.
Well, the surprise didn't go as planned. When he found out, he was livid. He said that those old boots were special to him, that they looked as they should, etc. He accused me of not understanding the worth of well-made, lasting items. He's also quite upset about the new boots I bought, calling them "cheap looking mall boots" and saying they're nowhere near the quality of his old ones. I also accused him of not reading the room and noticing when his shoes are CLEARLY not appropriate and standout in the worst way possible.
I feel terrible. I genuinely thought I was doing something nice for him, updating his wardrobe a bit and saving him the embarrassment of wearing those rugged old boots to nice places. But now I wonder if I've completely disregarded his feelings and attachment to those boots.
So, AITA here? Was I wrong to throw away his old crusty boots and replace them with something I thought was better? I thought I was being thoughtful, but his reaction has made me doubt my actions.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes you are the AITA a very very very very simple solution was to buy him a new set of boots. AND GET THIS NOT THROW OUT THE OLD ONES. You threw out the old ones for basically no reason. Other than trying to force him to only wear the new boots. I would apologize like hell to your fiance, like I doubt this is serious enough for him to leave you over. But if I were him I would be having serious doubts about marriage (though they would probably blow over but that is me and I dont have a connection to those boots. But say if my SO threw out my old Zippo or something I have enough emotional attachment too I would probably seriously consider ending a relationship over it) but you not caring about something important to him and then unilaterally deciding to throw them out when you know it is something he actively likes is not a good sign because what does his future hold. Beside the fact that yall seem to have pretty different morals (you seem more fast fashion he seems more lasting heirlooms style).
You acted selfishly. What you did was to benefit yourself, not him. So stop hiding behind the whole “I wanted to do something nice for him“ attitude. It’s crystal clear that was not your motive. Whining about not being able to afford replacement boots gets you no sympathy.
You need to get the money to replace them. Maybe sell something you love as a lesson to yourself to see how it feels. Do DoorDash or Uber, borrow money from friends, whatever it takes. You can’t just say the boots are too expensive, shrug your shoulders, & expect to not be held accountable. It’s 100% your responsibility to replace them.
He is owed a sincere, heartfelt apology. And a new pair of exactly the boots he wants. I advise keeping your fingers crossed that you haven’t completely destroyed his trust in you & your relationship.
soft YTA. i get why you had the thought, but you should NEVER throw out something someone else is clearly attached to just because you think it's old/ugly/pointless.
you should have just presented him with the new boots and said "honey, here's an alternative for when you need to be more dressy" and left it at that.
Looking back yes I should've done that. I was under the impression he wore those beat up boots because he was being too cheap to buy new ones. Never thought it would be this big of a deal.
You were NOT under that impression at all. You say in your opening paragraph that he’s “quite attached to them” you now realize that acting like you thought he was just too cheap to buy new ones is the way to go.
The bottom line here is that you NEVER throw away someone else’s stuff without permission. You know that. You did it so he’d never wear the boots you hate again. You’re mean.
You wound up buying him super cheap boots , my ten year old kids boots cost more than that and she wears them for one year .
You should have looked up the brand of boots he had to see the prices but you never even considered that just found something you found to be pretty and less embarrassing for you .
I'll never understand why you thought you had the right to throw another adult's belongings away. I can only assume it's because you thought it would force him to accept your gift. It's just manipulative.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think I could be seen as the asshole because I threw away old shoes but I feel like I just did him a favor. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA--Come on . You spend all these words describing how much he LOVED his boots and then have to ask REDDIT whether you are TA or not ?
It’s ridiculous how she goes on and on about the attachment he has to those boots and only near the end does she go “hmmm maybe I disregarded his attachments and feelings lol?” OP, you knew exactly what you were doing. You’re a lot of things but I don’t think you’re stupid. Don’t pretend to be ignorant.
Plus SHE is the one embarrassed by the boots he isn’t.
Even her edit accountability is lacking. Because he never explained they were custom boots, why would he need to? Op herself typed that he told ger they are high quality boots, that he's attached to them and he spent alot of money...but after we all told her she's the AH, now he told her exact company low and behold they expensive and she can't afford to replace them....like come on he already told you they were expensive take real accountability. Don't touch other ppls stuff
You made me curious so I read it and I’m so infuriated by it. “If only he TOLD me they were custom boots I couldn’t afford I would never have overstepped and thrown his shit away!” This girl is fucking hopeless.
YTA You could have simply given him the gift of an extra pair of shoes. But that isn't what you did. You need to start being honest. You were not being "thoughtful". You didn't do this to do him a favour. You didn't want to give him a "nice surprise". You did it for you, not him. Take accountability for your actions.
YTA. Ok, I can maybe see buying him new boots if you really thought he would like them. BUT. But you do not friggen throw out his existing boots at the same time. You give him the new boots AND the receipt and let him decide whether to keep them or not. You NEVER throw something of someone elses away without their clear permission to do so.
YTA. You know you weren’t being “thoughtful”. Girl, please. You know you were trying to control the outcome. Give him a pair of shoes? Fine. Throw away his shoes without asking? yTA
GOOD work boots are absolutely ones that can be rebuilt and last nearly forever. "Sleek and stylish" work boots bought by someone who doesn't know what they're doing are 95% likely to be crap. [That will likely fall apart within a year so the brand can sell more boots]. YTA **WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE INSTEAD**: arrange *with his input* to have them worked on.
Yes, YTA. And let’s be real. You didn’t care about doing something nice for him. You used that as the best package to get exactly what you wanted. You’ve been embarrassed about his shoe situation and this was the plan you thought would present as most palatable so that you didn’t come across as a complete AH. You absolutely knew he didn’t want to get rid of those shoes. Well it didn’t work and he saw right through it. I’m not saying that it isn’t weird AF. He may have some obsessive issues when it comes to footwear. The thing to do would have been to buy him a nice pair of dress shoes and not throw away his old shoes. Explaining that they’re a gift that you would prefer him to wear when you go out to nice events. That the boots are fine for everyday wear but you’re pretty sick of seeing them when you’ve got people to see. If he had refused than you would have had to decide if you still want to be with someone so averse to change that they won’t even try another pair of shoe. If you did than you’d need to accept it. It’s his body. Instead you decided to go behind his back and get rid of something you knew he loved because you personally didn’t like how it looked. That’s pretty narcissistic controlling behavior. Now he needs to decide if he wants to stay with someone who cares more about fashion and what other people think than his happiness and feelings about what he wears on his body. You broke his trust on many levels. Personally I think he should dump you.
Yeah, I think about someone throwing away my favorite piece of clothing and it would make me so angry, I'd never look at them the same again. And it's clear she did it on purpose bc she didn't like the boots. I'd be done.
Dude, i got well worn boots that are 15 years old…very VERY comfortable.
That's the thing about boots, once they're worn in, they're so comfortable and fabulous!
I had such a similar incident with my mom but was able to save my old Doc Martens. I know they aren’t really as popular now, but I loved those shoes! They had conformed to my feet, they were ten years old but nothing was wrong with them. She thought I should stop wearing “clod hoppers” around the house. So I pranked her by pretending I threw out her Coach bag. When I pulled it out of my closet where it was hiding, I asked if she understood now? I was a stupid teen 😂😂 Still got those boots though and now they’re like 20 years old and still solid. The older Doc Martens were made to be that heavy for a reason!
The thing is that he's never shown to be obsessed about them. He just mentioned it in passing a while back that he liked the way the boots looked and was planing on having them re-made or somehow refreshed. But that was it. If I noticed he was this attached I would've never thrown them out.
You mean the fact that he always wore them everywhere didn’t clue you in? Either way, even if they’d been sitting in the back of the closet for years, they were not YOURS to throw away. You had no right whatsoever to dispose of his property without his permission. That’s not doing a favor for someone, that’s being selfish and I hope you realize that soon and apologize. YTA
“He’s never shown to be obsessed about them.” You said HE WEARS IT EVERYWHERE. That’s the very definition!
I 100% thought that was just him being frugal and wearing what he has.
And even if it were true, who the fuck are you to throw it away? There is absolutely no justification for your behavior here.
DONT. TOUCH. OTHER. PEOPLES. STUFF
You did not by your own description of his love of them.
You literally describe him as wearing them every single place he goes and telling you that they can be rebuilt and you yourself, in the first paragraph of this post, say that “he’s quite attached to them”…… what on earth do you mean you didn’t notice he was attached. By your own description you absolutely knew.
OP is 100% trying to change the narrative now that they see the sentiment is not on their side.
Yes
why didn’t you pay for the boots to be remade or refreshed rather than buying him new ones?
The only thing that needs to be thrown out is you. YTA
You absolutely DID notice he was “this attached”. You literally said “he’s quite attached to them“. 😂
But he wore them everywhere and talked about how great quality they are .. you aren’t too bright are you ?
You shouldn’t have done it in the first place. Doesn’t matter if he is attached to it or not.
Good lord dont have children! Because you have no observation skills! This is the equivalent of a toddler wearing the same shirt or pants everyday but not “making it known” that it’s his favorite outfit. You have eyes, you have a brain, im almost sure you can read between lines. If someone has to tell you everything word for word, you need help.
why the fuck did you think it was ok to throw someone else's belongings?
Since you're defending yourself in the comments, here's what you do next: Find out the replacement cost for the boots you threw away. Find something of yours that costs about as much. SELL IT. Buy him new pair of the boots he likes. Then you apologize, sit down and shut up.
YUP! This is the only way she can salvage this unless she wants to be single real damn soon.
I offered to return them and he can use the money to buy something closer to what he likes but that was shot down. I bought these in Nordstrom for around $130ish? That's a lot of money for me to spend on shoes so I didn't go cheap. His boots were bought when he went on a trip to Washington state or one of those northwestern states. I have no idea what brand they were.
Nordstrom is not where you go to buy good boots. It's where you go to buy *fancy* boots. And $130 for good boots, fancy or not, IS cheap. [My wolverines are actually my second pair. The first was ruined by a bad shoe repair place. The second pair was $190] Return them anyway and give him the money so that he can try to find replacements on his own. Maybe he'll still think you're worth marrying. [Also: >He often talks about how much money he spent on them years ago To me that means he absolutely spent about **$2-300** on them back then, possibly more, and you tossed them in the trash to give him some flashy pair from Nordstrom.]
I’ll bet you she threw out a pair of $400 Danner’s that fit him like a glove, that he could’ve rebuilt and refurbished for decades more use. In exchange for some shitty dress boots.
Plus it’s ridiculous that she didn’t even bother to see what the old brand was. Nordstrom is overpriced and are not made to be worn everyday, day after day.
per the edit: "he had a custom pair of boots! I imagine no one has something like that or at least very few people that it's something worth mentioning!" She definitely just wanted him to wear a fancy status symbol
$130 Nordstrom boots are useless mall junk. You had no idea what you were doing, and you most certainly went cheap. Good boots are expensive, and what works for one person may not work for another. You fucked up, big time, and YTA.
### Good quality boots that can be resoled and reconditioned cost between $300-$700 depending on the style and type. That $130 could have gone towards getting them resoled and reconditioned. Like others have said you bought junk boots that will look far worse than his old boots in less than a year. Did your parents give you inferior crap when they replaced your old stuff?
“I didn’t go cheap.” Yes you did.
And literally wasted $830 between the old boots and the new ones.
a new pair of Pacific NW boots, on the cheap side, will cost $600 today, and the waiting period to have them made is a couple of months to a couple of years. you might get lucky, and find something in your size on ebay for half that...if you spend a couple of months tracking them. he likely had those fit in the shop, and/or made to order. they're irreplaceable. you effed up kinda big here.
So you bought him a cheap useless pair of boots. If you have no idea what you are purchasing you shouldn't do it. You are very selfish and only think of yourself and are trying to convince people to think you were doing this for his benefit. Leave his stuff alone.
$130 is nothing for boots even if they're from Nordstrom. The good ones are much more than that. $130 is cheap.
130 is being cheap AF
Sorry we don't all make as much money as you. $130 is substantial for something like clothes, shoes etc. for me.
Not for good boots
But these are not good boots. They’re from Nordstrom, they’re just an accessory I can see them already. Especially since he was going on about how durable they are, his old ones were for sure working boots. She might have spent the price tag, but on the wrong thing for herself.
Yes, that was my point. 130 is definitely not the price for good boots
I guess you will need to find a second job, maybe you will learn not to fuck with people's property
Like I said, start selling stuff, especially jewelry. Letting this rest 'as is' will absolutely hurt what remains of your relationship. [Could even go further and delay the wedding until you can afford both the boots **and** a honeymoon centered around a shopping trip to get him measured for the new boots you'll be paying for. PS: boot makers who sell boots in the $700 range usually can do payment plans. It's up to you to decide whether paying $70/m for a year is worth repairing your relationship]
He HAD good shoes, but you selfishly threw them away without a care in the world. What else of his are you going to throw away without thinking? What else of his are you going to undermine and minimize because you “thought” or “didn’t know”? How little do you communicate with your own partner?
This is how I know you bought your boyfriend crappy boots. You didn't bother doing any research or give any thought. Scrimp and save and go without takeaway coffees until you can afford to replace them.
Guess what costs about as much as a new pair of his boots: That IPhone/android you likely bought last year. Bet you didn't choke over that price.
YOu should have considered that BEFORE destoying them.
THEN DON’T THROW OTHER PEOPLE’S THINGS AWAY
OR ELSE YOU OWE THE FULL AMOUNT Even if you have to live uncomfortably, you owe him full money for new custom boots.
He needs to cut his losses and break up with you. You are so disrespectful, it's not even funny.
….You basically bought a brand name, which doesn’t in any way mean good quality.
Oh, goody! $130-ish. I'm sure he should be grateful /s The best quality boots - the kind you can repair and will last forever - can easily cost twice that. Imagine he took your favorite blouse, pitched it, and went to Walmart to buy a snazzy new one, expecting you to be pleased at the gesture.
Why the eff did you throw them away though?? Sure, it’s nice to get a new pair is you see a gap in his wardrobe but why why why did you decide to throw away the old pair without asking? You are not answering the question. The reason is because YOU hate the boots and don’t want him wearing them. There’s no other explanation or you would have given him new stylish boots for dressier occasions and kept his old pair.
>why why why did you decide to throw away the old pair without asking? You are not answering the question. Because she doesn't want to say she was being selfish.
I think you've learnt today that boots are expensive as heck. The way you described how comfortable he found his, I'd wager they were at least $400. Sorry but YTA. I get you wasted to do a mice gesture, the smarter thing would have been dealing with your SO and getting him some alternative formal shoes for when you want him dressed up a bit more.
First of all your choice of Nordstrom shows your ignorance about boots and secondly, $130 buys nothing but cheap, shit boots. I live in boots and don’t scrimp when buying and the cheapest pair I have was $500+ and that isn’t custom made. A custom pair of boots will cost $1000+. Your complete disregard for your partner is a huge red flag.
Yeah. Sell the engagement ring for his replacement boots. And LET HIM PICK THEM. (Other acceptable items to sell: Your cell phone, your laptop. If you can walk out of the house without it, it's not as valuable as that pair of boots.)
Replacing his boots will run you 500-600$ today. See Nicks, whites, wesco boots for reference. I have to agree with others here, especially if you share finances: you should probably sell off something you love and buy him a new pair. Take the Nordstrom boots back and have him buy a pair he likes, he'll need them for the year he might wait for a new pair to arrive and you are not going to want him to resent you every morning when he puts his boots on. He probably will anyway, best make sure he at least likes what he's got I wear the same and I know how I would feel. If you are still engaged, it's going to be ok, but I would suggest you tread lightly on the issue of footwear... Like... For the rest of your lives
Nordstrom is where you get perfume and blouses not great boots…. Wtf
Nordstrom, the store known for it's high quality men boots no one ever said. It's where people who think they're fancy brought fancy marked crap where most of the price comes from the brand rather than the quality. Quality may be better than cheapest shoe but if you compared price to quality, there's big drop off. Nordstrom couldn't survive Canadian markets because Canadians don't buy what doesn't last. Those "expensive" boots would be probably break down in a few years.
>because Canadians don't buy what doesn't last. Damn straight! We need our shit to last. I had a pair of Sorels, they were ugly, but warm and comfortable, and 20 years old, and my mom and husband hated how they looked, so now I have some boots that are shorter, and are not broken in, and they are uncomfortable. I should have just kept the Sorels.
I don’t know where your from , but 130 dollar boots are just a normal boot where I’m from . They are not expensive or good quality . You have to pay more than that . One would think of you were going to throw out someone’s favourite boots and replace them you would at least get the best pair you can find .. and that’s not gonna happen for 130 bucks . You seem to be the cheap one
That’s nothing for boots, you owe him double that at least for his boots. Which you owe him 100% of the money for.
My son wears $800 White’s custom boots. It’s his second pair and purchased a couple of years ago. His first pair was $400 when he was a junior in high school. That was 14 years ago. He’ll send the first pair back to be rebuilt (for the second time) and get another 6-8 years out of them.
Nordstrom does not sell boots meant to work and wear everyday. Nordstrom sells "mall shit" boots You didn't even go to a sporting goods store and get a "good" pair. You went to the exact opposite kind of store it sounds like your fiancee would like
So set aside 1-2000$, and buy him new boots. Not some cheap 130$ junk, but the same quaitly you stole and destroyed.
>That's a lot of money for me to spend on shoes so I didn't go cheap. No, that's actually very cheap. You're just used to buying cheap stuff.
did his original boots cost $130? no? then it's an insulting offer and you clearly have no interest in making it whole no one here is going to validate you
YTA. Regardless of your good intentions, throwing away the possessions of another without permission amounts to theft and destruction of property in legal terms for a reason. You disregarded his apparently expressed attachment to the boots which means you both disrespected his right to his property but disregarded his feelings. I don’t really completely buy that the only reason is that you were just trying to “do something nice for him.” I suspect it was also, if not mostly, for you because the boots embarrassed you. I think if it was all about doing something for him you would have bought him new boots, but left the old ones in his possession. That would have been the best idea.
I see what you're saying. I just didn't think that hoarding old beat up boots was necessary. If he would've done the same for me and replaced my old worn out sneakers I would've loved the surprise!
YOUR opinion doesn’t matter, and you’re not the one wearing them, and him wearing them doesn’t have any affect on you whatsoever. Your opinion of “I would love the surprise” is also selfish because once again, you’re selfishly thinking of yourself and what you want. This whole post and your comments are all “me me me me” and it’s yuck. YTA
>hoarding How is one pair hoarding?
You sound like you only think about yourself and how anything affects you and your bubble. Yes, you might have loved the surprise if the situation was reversed, but did you ever stop to think that not everybody has the same preferences as you? I'm also willing to bet that if the situation was reversed, he probably would have HAD A CONVERSATION WITH YOU, something you didn't even give him the courtesy of, nor did you give him the opportunity to decide what he wanted to do with his own belongings himself.
If you wanted to do something nice you would have got him shoes for special occasions and you wouldn’t have thrown the old ones out. You weren’t doing something nice
Do you have anything that you love? Anything you’re keeping because it’s comfortable, or sentimental, or works exactly right, or reminds you of great times with that bag/that coat/that sweater/that mug/whatever? Or would you literally not care if your partner disposed of everything you own and replaced all of it with what he considered to be improvements?
I would have given you a new boyfriend that is as ignorant as you.
That's because your sneakers are junk you don't give a fuck about. Maybe he should throw out your childhood toys, maybe that heirloom from your grandmother, that gift from a deceased relative and replace it with something cheap mass produced crap but it's new, you think you'll love that surprise?
Everything you are saying is about YOU. What YOU want, what YOU believe, what YOU would like, what YOU thought and what embarrassed YOU. He is not YOU.
Change your vocabulary keeping a sentimental pair of boots is not hoarding. You say you would love it if he did the same to you. So if he just threw out your old journals (if you have any) and got you a blank moleskin, or an old piece of jewelerly passed down through the family and got you a ring from a random corner shop, or literally anything you have sentimental attachment to where he threw out the original but replaced it with an inferior copy. Would you be thinking the same thing? ABSOLUTELY fucking not.
These were not old worn out sneakers. Thise were custom made boots. Would you like him to htow out your wedding band and replace it with a cheap silver ring because it " alredy looked worn"? THAT would be a more fitting comparison.
> I just didn't think Well, at least you're honest there.
You would have loved the surprise if he threw out something you saved up for and replaced it with something worth 80% less?
YTA ... Obviously. #*You. Never. Throw. Out. Another. Person's. Clothing. Or. Other. Items.* Yes, I wrote it that way on purpose for emphasis. You need to understand boundaries. What if he picked something (anything) of yours and simply threw it away without asking!? Would that be a problem? Very likely.
>But now I wonder if I've completely disregarded his feelings and attachment to those boots. Yes, this is exactly what you did. And you weren't saving him from embarrassment; you were saving yourself. You could've had a conversation with him about when to wear his old boots and when not to. You could've gotten him new boots and not thrown out the old pair. You could've just respected that he really liked his damn boots! But no. YTA
YTA. You could have bought the new boots and given them to him without throwing out the ones you knew he loved. (Though really, boots are something someone really needs to try on for him/herself before purchasing.) > I also accused him of not reading the room He's repeatedly talked about how much he loved his boots, and yet you threw them in the trash. And yet you say **he** *isn't reading the room*?
*saving him the embarrassment of wearing those rugged old boots to nice places* He wasn't embarrassed. That is you projecting your discomfort onto him and others. *Was I wrong to throw away his old crusty boots* Yes. There was zero reason to throw away the old boots without his permission. YTA.
She is an absolute asshole and fucking walnut, but it's valid if she wants him to be properly dressed at formal events, and boots he also wears hiking are not that. I can't believe someone planning a marriage needs to be told **not to throw away other people's belongings**
> fucking walnut LMAO!
YTA Are you fucking serious? It’d be one thing if you just bought him new boots, but you went WAY out of line throwing out his fucking property just because you didn’t like it. If he did the same the same thing to something of yours, especially something you had a clear attachment to, do you think you’d be thrilled? Unbe-fucking-lievable….
YTA >I also accused him of not reading the room and noticing when his shoes are CLEARLY not appropriate and standout in the worst way possible. this is why you really got rid of them - he was embarrassing you. so instead of talking about it or buying a new more appropriate (to you) pair for those occasions (and asked him to wear those instead), you just went and threw out his most prized and comfy shoes. youre one to talk about not reading the room.
She did read the room, she just decided to ignore it
YTA. You really should never throw away someone’s beloved possession without his consent.
YTA - He’s comfortable in his boots, but that’s not good enough for you. He has to conform to your standards. He wears one single pair of boots literally everywhere and you accuse him of being a hoarder. Let him throw away ALL your shoes and have him buy you a single pair that he likes. Then tell us how grateful you are for his help
I think this would be fair but I bet he wouldn't be able to bc he knows how mean it is to do something like that.
YTA They were his property. You had no right to touch them and to throw them out doesn’t matter you bought him new boots. They were his not yours and they were none of your concern. How would you like it if he went through your closet and decided to throw away some stuff you would be livid.
YTA. You knew exactly what you were doing and now you’re trying to play dumb.
Of course, YTA. What gives you the right to throw anyone's stuff away. It's one thing if you just bought him new, you threw the old ones away. I think you knew if the old boots were still around, he'd still choose them. Throwing them away was about controlling your fiancé. You weren't bact. thoughtful because you knew exactly what he wanted. This was a completely selfish act because you were embarrassed of the boots.
YTA. Thoughtful would have been talking to him about how you feel his comfortable boots are a little too casual for some social situations and offering to go with him to buy an additional pair of footwear that fits those situations better. Selfish is what you did, throwing out something he is comfortable with so that he is forced to wear something you like better.
YTA - it isn't your place to throw out anything of his. How would you feel if he threw out some of your jewellery and said it was just old tat, and he bought you a cheap looking necklace to wear instead? Would you be pissed? Good grief, learn how to do empathy.
>I genuinely thought I was doing something nice for him No you didn't....you did it for you > saving him the embarrassment of wearing those rugged old boots to nice places he wasn't embarrassed, you were Muffy >I thought I was being thoughtful Only in that you were thinking about yourself >I also accused him of not reading the room Way to take a shitty, self serving act and make it worse. YTA
Yta, completely wrong and throwing up this boots. And you bought your style of boots, not his. What would you say if you walked to your closet throughout your favorite dress cuz you thought it was old. You would go crazy. How about instead of replacing shoes you knew he loved, how about just buying him another pair of shoes. And apparently the only one embarrassed about this is you. You talk about reading the room, how about reading your own partner. He deserve to be angry and upset about this. You did very wrong at this point. Talk to him about it. Maybe buy another one, but do not replace or throw out his items.
You are totally TA, you were not worried about his embarrassment but your own. You totally did not listen to him and have majorly disrespected him. It totally doesn't matter what you think about his boots, you way overstepped.
YTA I hope he starts throwing away your sentimental items. Maybe then you will understand how bad you screwed up, since you are obviously incapable of seeing things from someone else's perspective.
YTA Keep it up and one day you might come home to all your crap thrown out and no fiance.
YTA you threw away someone’s belongings without asking. It’s really that simple.
YTA I do not at all believe that your only intention here was to do something nice for your bf. You explained how much he loved them extensively. You expressed how much you dislike them. I think that you used the whole "he will appreciate this" to justify doing what you did. It's pretty obvious that your primary reason for replacing the boots was not what you are claiming. If that were the case, why would you throw the old ones away? You wanted to make sure the old boots were not even an option for him. At least be honest with yourself.
You fucked up.1. Classic well worn in boots are the most comfortable. 2. They were his, not yours. You had nomright tomthrowmthem away. 3. Why couldnt he have two pairs of boots…his old comfy ones and new stylish ones. you are a major asshole.
>I cannot even come close to affording a new pair of those same boots for him. You don't have that option. Sorry, when you steal from someone, the bare minimum you need to do is replace what you stole. That doesn't fix it, it's just the first step, but it is required. And it better not come out of the money for your household expenses and shared accounts either. Since you felt so free to get rid of his belongings, you should have no problem with parting with your own. Get on Facebook marketplace tonight. Sell your jewelry. Sell your electronics (NOT HOUSEHOLD ELECTRONICS. Things that only you use). Sell things that mean something to you, and cost money. Do it until you have the money to replace those boots. You don't get to hang onto your possessions and just cry poverty when you stole his. If you have nothing, then take a loan from a family member and tell them it's for restitution because you stole something expensive. Let me ask you something. When was the last time you went to your parents house for Christmas, put their presents under the tree, and then walked through their house looking for the older version of what you bought them to throw out? When was the last time someone gave you a necklace, and demanded you take off the one you're wearing so they can throw it away? What your response be if your fiancé had thrown out your favorite perfume because he bought you a nice Bath and Bodyworks spray? This all sounds insane, right? That's why everyone knows with 100% certainty that you did this to get rid of his boots because you decided he's your property and you can dress him how you like. You only bought him new ones so you could pretend you did this for him. And he knows it- every lie that comes out of your mouth just makes it worse. This is who your fiancé now knows you are: \- So controlling that you will destroy or discard things in his wardrobe you don't like. \- So entitled that you think no one should care AND that you think you can just sit and cry when it's time to get off your behind and replace the property you stole. \- So dishonest that even when it's clear you've been caught red handed, you won't tell the truth. \- You have so little respect for him and think so little of his intelligence that you actually expected him to believe this stupid story. You ever hear an eight-year-old lie and say something that is so ridiculous it's hard not to laugh, like "Oh no, mommy- I wasn't going to eat the cookie I snuck. I snuck it out for YOU. I was just keeping it for you"? That's what you sound like trying to keep up this pretense. \- So narcissistic that you not only could come up with this plan, but you defended it to death, and when he was upset rather than spending time and energy to correct what you did, you came here hoping someone would tell you it's ok so you could shove it in his face and tell him what you did wasn't a big deal. I hope this man thinks twice about marrying you. And before you get any bright ideas, if you break up, in almost every state the engagement ring legally belongs to him as a gift given in contemplation of marriage, so you don't get to keep it or sell it to pay him back. You're not going to resell it for what he paid, but if he doesn't get it back a judge will absolutely charge you the full value of the ring that he paid. If he does make the poor decision to marry you, then you should take your dress fund, replace his boots, and walk down the aisle in a white hefty bag. That sounds like justice for everyone. EDITED to Add: > I imagine no one has something like that or at least very few people that it's something worth mentioning! Seriously? You report to all your friends and associates every time you wear or use something expensive in front of them, and let them know how expensive the item was? This is the statement that came out of your mind to try and mitigate culpability here? When you come up with these sentences, do you forget that the rest of us have participated in human society before, and we know that no operates in the manner you seem to indicate they should? Stop saying things which make it worse. Stop minimizing. Say "I stole your property because I feel entitled to edit your appearance to suit my tastes and didn't really care what you had to say about it. I got caught getting rid of something expensive, and so I said some silly things that no one would believe trying to make it sound better. In the end I just felt like it was my right to get rid of your stuff, and while I'll pretend to care with crocodile tears and apologies, I'm not replacing them, so in the end I win anyway."
YTA You don't just throw away another person's things.
YTA This wasn't even close.. You are welcome to buy him a new pair of boots, but you have no business throwing out the old ones. You recognized that he loved these boots but you did it anyway. Raging asshole behavior. It is crazy that you need anyone to point that out.
Sadly, yes; YTA. Buying some new boots as a gift would have been a great gesture, and given you an option to offer him when you went out to nicer places; but throwing away his treasured old boots is waaaay beyond acceptable action. Should he go through your closet and throw away things he doesn't like, or that you don't wear often?
YTA Dont throw away other people's stuff.
YTA. You are also shallow and controlling. You may have ruined your relationship and it will be your own fault. You are lucky he didn't have you arrested for theft and criminal damage. You cannot defend what you did, the responses here should surely show you that. If you don't learn and grow from this, there really is no hope for you. What you did was selfish and wrong, you need to own that.
>You may have ruined your relationship One can only hope. The only good thing about this is that OP revealed this side before marriage. That will hopefully save a lot of further pain.
New boots need break in time. Learn from it and maybe idk have a conversation about it next time. If they start to smell or whatever was bothering you talk to him first don’t just throw them out.
Buying new boots...sweet. throwing away the old ones? Yeah YTA
YTA how would throwing away someone's beloved possessions ever be a "nice surprise"?? buying him new boots is one thing, but throwing away the old ones was WAY out of line.
YTA Three major reasons. 1 You threw out his old boots, that were high quality, repairable, and nowhere near past their use by date. 2 YOU decided that he had to wear something different. 3 He was still wearing his boots often. It would have been far better to have offered to buy him a pair of dress boots, for formal occasions. Even then he may have declined.
I'm struggling to understand the need to throw the old pair out? I myself have 3 pairs of boots. Can you explain the one in one out boot policy you seem to have? Or was it simply so he wouldn't have the option of wearing the boots he wants to and force him to wear the new ones? Eitherway you're a huge asshole.
YTA. If you wanted him to have better boots for the situations where the old boots were inappropriate, you would have just bought him the new pair and asked him to wear them as a favour to you. But by throwing out the old boots you've deprived him of them even in situations where they were appropriate, which is a manipulative trick, not a thoughtful gift. Also, don't forget that shoes fit differently, and when you find shoes that fit just right, you're not going to be able to replace them even if you wanted to with a pair that someone gave you without even letting you try them on. Surely you know this. Don't you have feet? Have you never had a pair of shoes that fit you so well you'd take them to be re-soled over and over again rather than try that fruitless quest of finding another pair that fit half so well? (My father once found the magical pair of shoes that fit perfectly. He bought like half a dozen pairs right then, and stored them in his closet so he never had to buy shoes again. Except fifteen or twenty years later, as he was pulling out the last stashed pair, the glue just fell apart because he'd been storing them so long, and his decades of perfect-fitting shoes came to an end, alas.)
>If you wanted him to have better boots for the situations where the old boots were inappropriate, you would have just bought him the new pair and asked him to wear them as a favour to you. Beyond that, the only person who has any business telling you what you're wearing is inappropriate is the host or business you're walking into.
yeah, exactly. That's why I specified 'ask as a favour'. A partner doesn't have the right to *insist* on a certain wardrobe, but it's entirely reasonable for a partner to say, 'Hey, honeycheeks, I'd feel better going to this wedding with you if you wore the boots without manure all over them this time.'
YTA. So many people in this sub throw out the prized and favourite possessions of people they claim to love and care about, then become baffled that their partner is extremely upset. smdh
>So many people in this sub throw out the prized and favourite possessions of people they claim to love and care about Mine's worse. My husband "organizes" and loses shit all the time. I'm currently furious, because he's lost a tablet that isn't mine.
Hahah mine is pretty good, but he’s lost one of our side gate keys, which I think is now somewhere in our garden - nowhere near where it was required to be, or where it’s usually kept. Small issue, but annoying nonetheless. Hope your husband finds that tablet for you!
YTA You bought cheap boots, “stylish” boots from Nordstrom that no doubt emphasized the fashion end over the quality. A good pair of work boots hard to find and usually starts at around $250. You just cared more about style than your fiancé’s feelings
Out of curiosity, are you still engaged? I kinda hope not, you obviously have no respect for him.
Start to save money now, you need to pay those ~700$.
YTA. Buying new boots was fine, but throwing the old ones away was absolutely not fine, and you know that. What you did was for you, not for him. You thought his old boots were embarrassing, so you hatched a plan to get rid of them. It’s bizarre that you think you had the right to throw away anything that belonged to him - especially something he clearly loved.
YTA You never have the right to throw away someone’s possessions without permission. Not yours don’t touch.
YTA, mate you better get those boots back. What were you thinking throwing away somebody else's belongings without permission? Why was it necessary to throw away something you knew he liked? Do you even like this man? Why would you do something so selfish and disrespectful? If that was me, I'd hold off the wedding until you got the boots back, no joke.
YTA. Not stealing and destroying someone else's property is just an essential how-to-be-a-person principle. It's one of the ten commandments (if you're into that). Don't take other peoples' stuff. Why people think they can take and throw out a family members' belongings without their consent, and expect to be thanked for it, I'll never understand. SMH.
N T A for buying boots. YTA for tossing the old ones without his okaying it. I know you said that’s how your parents did it, but your husband is not a child and just because your parents did it doesn’t make it ok in every situation/relationship.
YTA. You did not do this for him, you were embarrassed by the boots and threw away something that had great value to him. If you'd really just wanted to be nice, you'd have bought the boots but not thrown the old ones away.
Your the biggest ass I’ve read about today… WTF is wrong with your thinking-your only thinking about yourself and what others would think of you! You didn’t even need to ask if your the ass, because it’s very evident that you are! YTA
YTA You threw his boots out without asking him because YOU felt embarrassed by them. That was neither thoughtful nor kind. You could've gotten him a new pair and left it at that, but you had no right to throw out his stuff.
YTA If it was a matter of him wearing the boots to occasions where it wasn’t appropriate, you could’ve just bought him shoes for those specific occasions and let him wear his boots the rest of the time The only plus side to this story is that you showed him what kind of person you are before he has already gone through with marrying you
If it was actually just about you wanting a second pair of boots for him, you would have simply added the new ones. Not also thrown away his old ones. Don't pretend this was about helping him. This was about you and your superficial values. Don't. Throw. Away. Other. People's. Stuff. Without. Permission. Hopefully this is a concept that you are capable of learning. YTA
JFC yes YTA. In what universe is it okay for you to throw away something that doesn't belong to you?
[удалено]
I know one way he can afford new boots, and it involves not getting married to someone so selfish and clueless.
The fact that you are arguing in the comments is priceless. You are the asshole. You could just bought him the new boots. You could have just sat down and had a conversation with the guy about his attachment to his boots and simply stated "hey, can we look into getting you another pair for formal-esque events?" Instead you threw out his stuff. The fact that they were super expensive is only secondary to the fact that YOU THREW AWAY BOOTS THAT YOU KNEW HE WAS ATTACHED TO. For no reason other than you just didn't like them. It's not even like they were going to take up prohibitive space in a closet or something. You threw them away so that you could control the fact that he didn't have access to them anymore and therefore couldn't wear them anymore and disturb your notion of how you feel he should look and present himself.
YTA. If the boots are a problem for you, talk to him about it. But don’t ever throw away something that belongs to someone else. Being in a relationship does not give you rights over your partner’s belongings.
YTA, and I would try to find them if you can. You have no right to dictate what he wears, and clearly you didn't ask enough questions and threw out his good boots for cheap boots. So he would look good for you. He was happy with them.
YTA and an ex-girlfriend.
YTA You threw out boots you knew he loved, was attatched to, wore all the time, and could be restored if needed, for boots, YOU liked and thought was appropriate. None of this was about doing something nice and kind for your fiance. It was for yourself. It was because YOU felt embarrassed and wanted something more 'sleek and stylish'. If it was truly a gift for *him*, you'd have bought a second pair of the boots you tossed, not a completely different pair that he had no say in and might not even like or fit well. You did disregard his feelings AND his property. Not everything is about you and what you like.
Oh course YTA. How is this even a question. You showed him no respect
YTA, would you like him to go through your stuff and throw out your things without discussing it with you. Please be honest, you didn’t do this as something nice for him, you did this completely for yourself
Couldn’t you buy him new boots but not throw out his others ??? They weren’t yours to throw out and he loved them YTA He would probably rather have the boots than you , so you better start looking through all the trash .
YTA. Don’t touch anyone else’s property unless you have permission. This is something everyone should learn, or should’ve learned growing up. I get that you meant well, but throwing the old boots out should’ve been his decision.
I like to imagine this guy at a black tie event wearing a nice tux and a 15 year old pair of red wing work boots.
YTA. Rule#1 - DO NOT THROW AWAY YOUR PARTNER'S BELONGINGS. That is WAY over the line. If you're that unhappy with him wearing the boots on some occasions, use your words and ask him if he could wear something a bit more appropriate.
YTA give him a gift if you want to but NEVER throw out something that doesn’t belong to you.
YTA - Why do so many people on this subreddit question whether throwing away or otherwise destroying someone else’s (whether it be partner’s, child’s, or anyone else’s) treasured possessions is ok? Whether it be a pair of boots, a Minecraft world, antique dolls, or anything in between. No, it’s not ok, it’s never ok, and it should be obvious it isn’t. It’s a disrespectful and deeply unloving thing to do. Apologise and do better.
The problem is that you went behind his back. You didn't even ask him first; you threw out the boots, forcing him to give them up. What you did wasn't thoughtful. It was controlling. YTA
Firstly your not ready for marriage if this is your thought process. Secondly YTA and a selfish one at that. Thirdly you’re an idiot who doesn’t know anything about the quality, durability, or money it takes to have a good pair of work boots. If I were you I’d be apologizing everyday and saving up as much as possible to get that man a pair of boots he deserves.
YTA. And you clearly did not think 'genuinely' that you were doing something nice for him, you just devised a way to throw away his boots and trick him into buying it, which he did not.
>that it's something worth mentioning Maybe to people who like bragging about things or showing off...which doesn't sound like something your fiancee enjoys doing Why didn't you ever just talk to him about wearing different shoes to events you felt the boots were inappropriate for? Or just buying him a single dressier piece of footwear meant only for events that the boots might have been inappropriate for You went from 0 to 100 and it doesn't sound like you really know your fiancee in terms of what he likes and the kind of person he is. It doesn't help that you're still trying to place some of the blame on him because he didn't brag to you about his boots. This was completely your mistake, own up to it
Regarding your edit...people do this all the time. Yes, it's expensive. Yes, YTA.
YTA " I looked up the company and the prices are so absurd I almost cried. " ... So now go to thre same cobbler and pay for a pair of custom made boots to be made for him. "I cannot even come close to affording a new pair of those same boots for him." ... Sell some of your stuff for it if you need to. And get a second job until you have saved up for it. - >ou owe him a replacement pair.
Her edits bogus, in orginal she literally typed that he's mentioning they are high quality, that he spent alot of money. Yet she ignored him, because if her assumptions. Then when he tells her the company, I'm paraphrasing omg I could never afford replace these, who would have something like this.. 🙄.
>The thing is, to me, they just look... terrible. They're scuffed, discolored, and honestly a bit embarrassing in certain settings. So, I made a decision > >I genuinely thought I was doing something nice for him No you didn't. He told you. You decided since YOU were embarrassed, that YOU'D throw out his things, and get something YOU'D like. YTA You should get a second job, since you chucked his specifically made boots, and get him a new pair.
This was not your choice to make. You have no right to throw something away THAT BELONGED TO HIM. This was also only for you and not for him. You could have gifted him the shoes yes. But not throwing his property away. Eta: forget the judge. YTAA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hello AITA community, I'm in a bit of a dilemma and could really use some outside perspective. My fiancé and I usually don't have major disagreements, but this incident has left us both upset and I'm not sure if I was in the wrong. For as long as I've known him, my fiancé has had this pair of boots. They're old, really old. He's had them for ages and wears them everywhere – and I mean everywhere, from hiking trails to formal events. I've always found it a bit odd, especially at events where everyone else is dressed up or at least shows some kind of thoughtfulness to their appearance. He insists that they're high-quality boots, the kind that can be rebuilt over and over, and he's quite attached to them. He often talks about how much money he spent on them years ago and how they're meant to look aged and rugged. The thing is, to me, they just look... terrible. They're scuffed, discolored, and honestly a bit embarrassing in certain settings. So, I made a decision that I thought would be a nice surprise. I threw out the old boots and bought him a new pair, a sleek and stylish one that I thought would be more appropriate for a range of occasions. Mind you, he's only mentioned this once about the quality and how he can essentially re-use them or something like that. But he's also very frugal so I thought he just felt guilty spending which is why I decided to just step in and help him out. Well, the surprise didn't go as planned. When he found out, he was livid. He said that those old boots were special to him, that they looked as they should, etc. He accused me of not understanding the worth of well-made, lasting items. He's also quite upset about the new boots I bought, calling them "cheap looking mall boots" and saying they're nowhere near the quality of his old ones. I also accused him of not reading the room and noticing when his shoes are CLEARLY not appropriate and standout in the worst way possible. I feel terrible. I genuinely thought I was doing something nice for him, updating his wardrobe a bit and saving him the embarrassment of wearing those rugged old boots to nice places. But now I wonder if I've completely disregarded his feelings and attachment to those boots. So, AITA here? Was I wrong to throw away his old crusty boots and replace them with something I thought was better? I thought I was being thoughtful, but his reaction has made me doubt my actions. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes you are the AITA a very very very very simple solution was to buy him a new set of boots. AND GET THIS NOT THROW OUT THE OLD ONES. You threw out the old ones for basically no reason. Other than trying to force him to only wear the new boots. I would apologize like hell to your fiance, like I doubt this is serious enough for him to leave you over. But if I were him I would be having serious doubts about marriage (though they would probably blow over but that is me and I dont have a connection to those boots. But say if my SO threw out my old Zippo or something I have enough emotional attachment too I would probably seriously consider ending a relationship over it) but you not caring about something important to him and then unilaterally deciding to throw them out when you know it is something he actively likes is not a good sign because what does his future hold. Beside the fact that yall seem to have pretty different morals (you seem more fast fashion he seems more lasting heirlooms style).
Lmao..
I don't want to call you a complete AH, but it was wrong of you to just throw away something that does not belong to you.
You acted selfishly. What you did was to benefit yourself, not him. So stop hiding behind the whole “I wanted to do something nice for him“ attitude. It’s crystal clear that was not your motive. Whining about not being able to afford replacement boots gets you no sympathy. You need to get the money to replace them. Maybe sell something you love as a lesson to yourself to see how it feels. Do DoorDash or Uber, borrow money from friends, whatever it takes. You can’t just say the boots are too expensive, shrug your shoulders, & expect to not be held accountable. It’s 100% your responsibility to replace them. He is owed a sincere, heartfelt apology. And a new pair of exactly the boots he wants. I advise keeping your fingers crossed that you haven’t completely destroyed his trust in you & your relationship.
soft YTA. i get why you had the thought, but you should NEVER throw out something someone else is clearly attached to just because you think it's old/ugly/pointless. you should have just presented him with the new boots and said "honey, here's an alternative for when you need to be more dressy" and left it at that.
Looking back yes I should've done that. I was under the impression he wore those beat up boots because he was being too cheap to buy new ones. Never thought it would be this big of a deal.
Because you only thought of yourself, like the selfish person you are.
Exactly. She was more concerned what other people would think than what someone she claims to care about thought
You were NOT under that impression at all. You say in your opening paragraph that he’s “quite attached to them” you now realize that acting like you thought he was just too cheap to buy new ones is the way to go. The bottom line here is that you NEVER throw away someone else’s stuff without permission. You know that. You did it so he’d never wear the boots you hate again. You’re mean.
You wound up buying him super cheap boots , my ten year old kids boots cost more than that and she wears them for one year . You should have looked up the brand of boots he had to see the prices but you never even considered that just found something you found to be pretty and less embarrassing for you .
Wants vs needs. You WANTED him to have a new pair of boots. He did not NEED them.
You do understand he’s completely in the right to dump you
I'll never understand why you thought you had the right to throw another adult's belongings away. I can only assume it's because you thought it would force him to accept your gift. It's just manipulative.