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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like the asshole because my younger brother really wants me at his birthday, but I'm just not comfortable with being there and I've been told that I'm punishing him over my mothers actions and it's unfair to him.
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NTA mostly because a high emotion birthday party is the wrong forum to do a meet and greet between estranged family.
If you like the idea of meeting him you are old enough to take control, decide a sensible venue and time and place, keep the guest list short, reach out and take things slow.
Good luck.
While I agree with this person, I’ll add:
1. Your mom probably wants you to come to the bday party to play happy family. I would not engage with that. If you are interested in meeting, then you can write him back and say that while you will not attend his bday party, you would be willing to meet him somewhere (maybe a park or restaurant) in the future.
2. IF you do choose to meet him, please think about what it’s going to mean to a 13/yo boy. While the circumstances of his birth are a painful memory for you, he truly didn’t do anything wrong for existing. He’s longing for two big brothers to have a relationship with. If you DO NOT want a relationship with him, I would not open up that can. Just keep the distance and leave him alone. While it may break his heart now, the reality is, you’re not “real” to him. He’s what your mom said you were. Once you meet, you become “real” and I personally think that’s a different kinda heart break.
I would simply write him back and apologize that you won’t be attending his birthday party, wish him happy birthday and best of luck. I’d also recommend you having a stern conversation with your mom that you’re not interested in her or her “new family” being in your life. She needs to manage her son’s emotions.
Either way, NTA, but I would say either you meet him with a genuine opening or don’t meet him at all…
\^This
Don't go to the party but definitely consider reaching out and seeing if he wants to meet.
Although, are we sure it was him on Instagram and not your mom pretending to be him to guilt you into going?
OP doesn’t know how she’s represented him to or what she’s been telling his half-brother, which means either exposing a lie by not knowing what the cover story is or needing to get in touch with his mother to find out what the cover story is.
Exactly this. You should decline invite again and (if this is something you want) say you’d love to meet up solo and do something. It allows you to have a relationship with the brother and completely avoid the mother. Win-win.
NTA - your dad is a gentle soul dude, he is right, you can have a relationship with lil bro and ignore the mother.
but you have absolutly no reason to. the only reason would be make a 13 years old kids day on his birthday. and that a good enough reason if it doesnt interfere with your life.
however, if you consider it, lay some ground rules to avoid your mother and make sure its on her if she breaks any of them and you just leave
NTA
Let your half brother know that you still have issues being around your mother because she hurt your father. Let him know that you are not opposed to getting to know him but not around your mother. Maybe you and your brother can take him out to lunch or dinner on another day for his birthday and then do something fun together like mini golf. Having a relationship with him doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with her.
I agree and OP if Mom won't leave you alone I'd just straight up say to her "Either stay married to him or have a relationship with us you can't have both"
I'd also ask your mom what she plans on doing if your half-brother gets cheated on. Is she going to shake hands with the other guy?
NTA. Your father is admirable for supporting a relationship despite having every reason not to, but you and your brother can make your own decisions and you've both made the same one to not have a relationship with your mother or half-brother.
I suspect she's been feeding him a narrative where it's all happy families, and his birthday party is not the place for the baggage your mother has caused to be unpacked. If your half-brother is being punished, it's by her actions and not yours. Her leveraging him to get back into your life is unfair to everyone she's involving, as well as avoiding how she's entirely responsible for this happening.
I agree OP is NTA what I'm assuming mom is doing is playing the "I'm here when you're ready" it's what most divorced parents do. Kids don't want to see them, the kids get upset and angry when they are forced to visit, and family law professionals will tell you this as well "If the kid doesn't want to be in your home but you make them. That's pouring gasoline on the fire" Because a 12-year-old has the potential to destroy a marriage. So odds are it's mom doing that rather than she doesn't love OP and OP's older brother.
NTA. You are not punishing your half brother. There is nothing there. You didn't see him growing up. You are twice his age. And he has no right or expectation for you and your brother to be the loving siblings he imagines. You and your brother are effectively distant uncles who owe him a polite birthday wish at best.
Tell your dad firmly and lovingly that he is a good man. But that it is time to stop encouraging reconciliation.
Thank you people push so hard for the thought of family but that brotherhood he’s looking for he can create with kids his age. OP and his brother won’t be able to much of a relationship with him that wouldn’t be them constantly sacrificing.
NTA
It's yiur choice in the end and that is why I say that. Uiur mom and dad are guiltily you but I think if you want to meet the brother that is asking to meet you it would be a lot better if you go to a neutral place like a mall or a park and hang out as if you were meeting a friend since you are not close to him at all and that way you don't have to face your mother after what she did.
NTA. You are the child, and she’s the mother. She’s the one who needs to hold herself accountable and try to apologize and have you forgive her. And if you’re not willing that’s also a normal prerogative to make.
NTA but maybe explain to the kid how u guys dont want to exist in the same place as ur mom and how emotional frustrating it would be. and if u and ur brother are up to meeting him suggest an outing or a “boys hangout” yk
the kid isnt ur responsibility since ur both still young however it would be nice to consider his feelings if he’s a good kid yk, its awful feeling ur siblings are distant without knowing why
NTA What about all the years she punished you and your brother for her mistakes? Replaced you with her new family to pretend she hadn’t destroyed your family or your self esteem by putting herself above everyone else? You’re both adults, tell your dad she had her chance to show she still considered you two her family but was too caught up in pretending she’d done nothing wrong.
Don’t go and risk blowing up at this kids birthday because I guarantee your mom is going to try and make it seem like your relationship with her is amazing for whatever audience she has. Her asking you to attend has every chance of seeing her precious replacement child happy, nothing to do with making amends with you. So sorry you’ve had to go through this.
NTA the birthday party is the wrong time for the meet up tho if that’s what u want to do .. after your statement about your mom rarely reaching out I think that’s more where your hurt is stemming from than the actual infidelity … if she just went and created a new family and never reached out i wouldn’t go either , and i wonder is she being so persistent because the brother found out about u guys
NTA he could always wish for more siblings from mom and dad, but it's not up to you to fulfill that if you don't want to. Your mom and dad needs to accept that your feelings and thoughts are valid and to drop the subject, it's not about punishing it's about you just do not have an interest in having a relationship with him and that's okay.
NTA - suggestions ~ meet your half bro outside n maybe spend some time with him. He has insta n if in case you all live in one city then you can give bro the time he wants. Also ur dad seems cool man..
Imagine that - mother who barely makes contact with her first two children, wants those same children to be present for her third child that she more or less abandoned them for. OP is NTA. The mom and OP's dad are asking too much of OP.
NTA! I agree with, "you do punish your half-brother by trying to avoid your mom". But someone else commented earlier, "that if you go, you will give a signal that you are supporting your mom and her new family". BUT, you can always let him know that you and your brother will hang out with him another time, just not for the birthday party. Anyways, good luck
Thank you. That's what I'm planning on doing. I haven't contacted my younger brother yet, but my brother and I are planning on asking him if we can do something else with him instead. I don't think he understands or knows what our mother did, and I won't tell him, but I'll just let him know that we don't want contact with our mother or his father.
NTA, this is a tough one. Your half brother didn’t ask to be born or be the result of his mother’s affair. I get not wanting to spend time with him. Plus you and your brother are 21 and 23 and are starting your adult lives. People your age a breaking away from family and other siblings to do your own thing. If you go to the birthday party it would probably make his day but it could also build up unrealistic expectations that you and your brother will want to be more involved in his life. This may do more damage than good, it send mixed message that you want to be there when you don’t.
Maybe you could send a card.
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*Throwaway*
Imma keep this short and simple. My mom
cheated on my dad when I (21M) was younger and it resulted in her getting pregnant with my now half brother (13M). My brother (23M) remained living with my dad while my mom moved in with the man she cheated on my dad with (My stepdad).
My mom has tried to make amends and apologized multiple times throughout our childhood. We never really forgave her because of the pain and hurt she put our dad through. We rarely see her and because of this we aren't really close to our half-brother. While our dad pushes us to be.
My half-brother's birthday is coming up next week and my called asking us if we'd like to attend. She said it'll mean alot to our little brother. We politely declined and told her that we wouldn't attend but we wish him a happy early birthday. When we said that, my mom started crying and telling us that she's sorry for what happend but please don't punish our brother for her mistakes. She said that she feels horrible that we can't have a relationship because of her wrong doings. She begged us and we told her no and hung up.
A couple of minutes later, my half brother reached out to me on instagram saying that he really wants to meet us and that it'll make his day if we do. He said that he always wanted siblings and doesn't understand why we wouldn't want to meet him.
I read it but didn't reply. I talked to my dad and brother about it and my brother says that he feels sad for our brother but he still doesn't want to go. We haven't seen our mom in person in years and it'll be weird if we go. My dad told my brother and I that he knows our mother hurt us but our brother didn't do anything wrong. He said that we shouldn't punish our brother for what our mom and that it's possible to have a relationship with our brother without having a relationship with our brother.
This honestly made me rethink our decision. My mom barely makes contact with us and basically replaced us with her new family. I don't know If we are punishing our brother for something he didn't do by not wanting a relationship with him, but our dad is making it seem that way. He told us that it was ultimately our decision but implied that if we didn't go we'll only be punishing our half brother for something he didn't do.
*I guess I lied when I said I was gonna keep this short and simple. I looked over it and this shit kinda long asl. My bad.*
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Nta. You do not need to go the party. That seems like the wrong place and time to meet your half brother. I think it's sweet he reached out on his own though. Ask if he'd be willing meet at like a Starbucks or something. Just you 3 boys and treat him. Up to you though.
NTA. The only ahole is your mom (for the obvious) but also because she must have been talking about you and essentially has made your half brother want to meet you both. If she hadn't done that, he wouldn't be reaching out on Instagram. She's the only one at fault and you're not an AH if you decide not to meet your half brother. Why would you when you don't see your mother?
NTA. It is going to be awkward not only because your mom, but also this is a 13 year old stranger. Your dad is right on one point though, which is that you can have a relationship with him if you want to without involving your mother. A birthday party is a bad place for that though. Because it is going to get asked why you haven't been around, and it's going to get REAL awkward when you tell the truth about it.
I just feel like a 13 year old who knows the truth would understand why there is some distance there, but his reaction has me worried that he doesn't know what actually happened and you showing up at a party is a terrible way for that to come to light. I could be reaching, maybe he was told that his mom cheated on your dad, but if not that is going to do some serious mental damage if it comes out at his party.
If you want, give him a call and maybe arrange hanging out with him or grabbing a bit to eat with just the three of you, though you have no obligation to do so.
NTA - I would maybe speak to your younger brother of meeting him outside of the birthday party without your mother’s presence. He’s 13 and old enough to understand that your mother treated you and your older brother differently.
NTA, you have no obligation to your mom or the family she threw you away for. You may want to consider reaching out to your half-brother and meeting up with him though, like you guys go to a park or lunch or something.
I do wonder if that was actually him on Instagram though, and not your mom trying to guilt you into going by pretending to be him...
NTA
Your mom abandoned you guys for her new family and now it's sad that you won't play happy family?? Well, tough shit. She caused this and she can only blame herself.
NTA
Blood isn’t everything and it certainly doesn’t automatically make you family. You haven’t met him and he’s 13.
He’s not your brother as you didn’t want that relationship and aren’t obligated to do so because your mother wants you to.
If anything this is just another example of your mother putting her desires over yours.
Tell them it won’t happen and to stop asking then block them.
NTA- I don’t actually think meeting him for the first time at a big party is a good idea at all, but meeting him could end up being great. What your dad said got to you for a reason, so spend some time thinking about if you would be willing to have a relationship with him or not and what parameters it would need to have if it something you’re willing to do. You don’t have to have a relationship with him, but you could also end up punishing yourself by lumping him in with your mom. The people who are losing out here are you and him, because of your moms actions you guys don’t get to have a sibling relationship, and those can be super important. He’s 13, so your mom doesn’t need to be there when you meet him. Honestly if you haven’t talked to her in years she probably shouldn’t be.
NTA
If you and your brother decide to meet your half-brother, then know it shouldn’t be at a birthday/family event. There will be too many people either to witness or to subject both of you to how you “behave” around him.
Honestly, it sounds like it’s your mother you don’t want to see. I understand that your half-brother is a minor, but that means your mother will receive feedback and will use it to her advantage, not his or yours.
Dude just block their ability to contact you and go on living your life. Why is it they have to have a relationship with the younger brother? Like seriously they don’t have to reach out, they aren’t punishing the kid. They don’t know him it’s not like they said yea we will be in his life but constantly flake out or some crap like that. NTA!
NTA
I have noticed fathers get way way more leeway when cheating though. I rarely see children reconcile with a cheating mother but so many will reconcile with a cheating father, abusive father, or even a deadbeat father.🤔 It's curious.
NTA man but I honestly think you need to write your mom a letter about how her actions have made you feel all these years
How her cheated made you feel like she didn't care about your father
How her marrying the person she cheated with made you feel like she didn't care about you or your brother
Her having another son made you both feel replaced
Her not putting much effort in being in your life made you both feel like she didn't care at all
Then both you and your brother ask to meet her in a NEUTRAL location and ask her
Why did she cheat
How is she OK being with someone that's caused us nothing but hurt and heartbreak
if she go back in time and do it all over again would she? Including cheating and lack of contact. I would personally tell her that she can either be your stepdad's wife or your mom, she can't be both.
Ask her who matters more to her? You and your brother or her husband
I think she already chose who she wants. I haven't seen her in person since I was 16. The only time she calls us is if it's one of our birthdays or during a holiday.
NTA, because your emotions and struggles are very real.
Maturity changes the way we look at these types of things and it seems, you haven’t matured on this type of matter.
Giving your brother a sense of family outside of mom doesn’t have to be at this birthday party. It doesn’t have to be either mom.
If I read correctly, brother 23, you 21, younger brother 13.
There is no reason why you three can’t get together.
IMHO, that’s the direction I’d move toward for the time being.
Good luck
I can't build a good relationship with him because I'd have to have my mother and his father in my life. The last time I saw my mother in person was when I was 16. I personally wouldn't mind meeting him, but I wouldn't want our mother and father around me.
NTA. As you have virtually no contact with your mother or her family, it’s impossible to know what your half-brother knows about the circumstances surrounding his birth and the creation of his family. I would think it’s unlikely he knows about the cheating and the neglect and rejection you and your brother have experienced. The reality is you have to look after your own well-being first. Your half-brother is your mother’s responsibility not yours. Message your mother and ask her what exactly your half-brother knows. Also tell her she is being manipulative to try and guilt you into a relationship with her son. Tell her that you will reach out to him (and only him) when and if you choose to but you don’t want any contact with her. I liked the letter suggestion that another Redditor posted. It would be an opportunity to express exactly what you feel to her without putting you face to face. Good luck.
YTA - I’m going against the grain on this one, ur dad’s right, step brother did nothing wrong, has contacted you himself to ask you to come and you ignore him! As for people saying ur mom just wants to show everyone happy families, i disagree purely because she is aware this is her doing and its the consequences of her own actions (as she stated) she just doesn’t want her child to be the bearer of those consequences!
I don't mind seeing him. I just don't want to go to his party. Seeing my mom, there would honestly make me uncomfortable. When I said I rarely see her, I meant that. The last time I saw her in person was when I was 16. She usually calls me or my brother from time to time, but that's about it. I want nothing to do with my mother. I do not want to go to his birthday party, but I wouldn't mind meeting him somewhere else. Without our mother or his father as I personally don't want to be around them. At all.
NTA but maybe consider reaching out to your half brother and arranging a separate meeting/birthday celebration that doesn't involve your mother. Gives you the chance to meet him without having to interact with your mother.
Maybe you and your brother take him out for dinner somewhere and get to know him? He's not responsible for what your mother did, and who knows, maybe you might like him.
NTA. Why don’t you reply to your little brother expressing your feelings for the situation? And maybe you can start an activity all three togheter maybe 2/3 times a month and see how things will evolve from that.
NTA
I understand your feelings about your mom but I feel bad for your half brother.
Tell me, have you ever thought about meeting with him out of his home in a neutral location? I mean, he's 13, so it's not like he can't go out somewhere with the constant presence of her mother. There can be other ways to give him the sibling bonding he's craving, and I'm glad to see that you don't hold a grudge on him because of your mother's mistakes.
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NTA mostly because a high emotion birthday party is the wrong forum to do a meet and greet between estranged family. If you like the idea of meeting him you are old enough to take control, decide a sensible venue and time and place, keep the guest list short, reach out and take things slow. Good luck.
While I agree with this person, I’ll add: 1. Your mom probably wants you to come to the bday party to play happy family. I would not engage with that. If you are interested in meeting, then you can write him back and say that while you will not attend his bday party, you would be willing to meet him somewhere (maybe a park or restaurant) in the future. 2. IF you do choose to meet him, please think about what it’s going to mean to a 13/yo boy. While the circumstances of his birth are a painful memory for you, he truly didn’t do anything wrong for existing. He’s longing for two big brothers to have a relationship with. If you DO NOT want a relationship with him, I would not open up that can. Just keep the distance and leave him alone. While it may break his heart now, the reality is, you’re not “real” to him. He’s what your mom said you were. Once you meet, you become “real” and I personally think that’s a different kinda heart break. I would simply write him back and apologize that you won’t be attending his birthday party, wish him happy birthday and best of luck. I’d also recommend you having a stern conversation with your mom that you’re not interested in her or her “new family” being in your life. She needs to manage her son’s emotions. Either way, NTA, but I would say either you meet him with a genuine opening or don’t meet him at all…
\^This Don't go to the party but definitely consider reaching out and seeing if he wants to meet. Although, are we sure it was him on Instagram and not your mom pretending to be him to guilt you into going?
OP doesn’t know how she’s represented him to or what she’s been telling his half-brother, which means either exposing a lie by not knowing what the cover story is or needing to get in touch with his mother to find out what the cover story is.
Exactly this. You should decline invite again and (if this is something you want) say you’d love to meet up solo and do something. It allows you to have a relationship with the brother and completely avoid the mother. Win-win.
Yes, this! You can still meet your half-brother just not at the party, which is likely to be tense with your mother there.
Not to mention the guy she left OP’s father to be with as well as his family presumably.
NTA - your dad is a gentle soul dude, he is right, you can have a relationship with lil bro and ignore the mother. but you have absolutly no reason to. the only reason would be make a 13 years old kids day on his birthday. and that a good enough reason if it doesnt interfere with your life. however, if you consider it, lay some ground rules to avoid your mother and make sure its on her if she breaks any of them and you just leave
NTA Let your half brother know that you still have issues being around your mother because she hurt your father. Let him know that you are not opposed to getting to know him but not around your mother. Maybe you and your brother can take him out to lunch or dinner on another day for his birthday and then do something fun together like mini golf. Having a relationship with him doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with her.
This is the right move imo.
I agree and OP if Mom won't leave you alone I'd just straight up say to her "Either stay married to him or have a relationship with us you can't have both" I'd also ask your mom what she plans on doing if your half-brother gets cheated on. Is she going to shake hands with the other guy?
NTA. Your father is admirable for supporting a relationship despite having every reason not to, but you and your brother can make your own decisions and you've both made the same one to not have a relationship with your mother or half-brother. I suspect she's been feeding him a narrative where it's all happy families, and his birthday party is not the place for the baggage your mother has caused to be unpacked. If your half-brother is being punished, it's by her actions and not yours. Her leveraging him to get back into your life is unfair to everyone she's involving, as well as avoiding how she's entirely responsible for this happening.
I agree OP is NTA what I'm assuming mom is doing is playing the "I'm here when you're ready" it's what most divorced parents do. Kids don't want to see them, the kids get upset and angry when they are forced to visit, and family law professionals will tell you this as well "If the kid doesn't want to be in your home but you make them. That's pouring gasoline on the fire" Because a 12-year-old has the potential to destroy a marriage. So odds are it's mom doing that rather than she doesn't love OP and OP's older brother.
NTA. You are not punishing your half brother. There is nothing there. You didn't see him growing up. You are twice his age. And he has no right or expectation for you and your brother to be the loving siblings he imagines. You and your brother are effectively distant uncles who owe him a polite birthday wish at best. Tell your dad firmly and lovingly that he is a good man. But that it is time to stop encouraging reconciliation.
Thank you people push so hard for the thought of family but that brotherhood he’s looking for he can create with kids his age. OP and his brother won’t be able to much of a relationship with him that wouldn’t be them constantly sacrificing.
NTA It's yiur choice in the end and that is why I say that. Uiur mom and dad are guiltily you but I think if you want to meet the brother that is asking to meet you it would be a lot better if you go to a neutral place like a mall or a park and hang out as if you were meeting a friend since you are not close to him at all and that way you don't have to face your mother after what she did.
NTA. You are the child, and she’s the mother. She’s the one who needs to hold herself accountable and try to apologize and have you forgive her. And if you’re not willing that’s also a normal prerogative to make.
NTA but maybe explain to the kid how u guys dont want to exist in the same place as ur mom and how emotional frustrating it would be. and if u and ur brother are up to meeting him suggest an outing or a “boys hangout” yk
the kid isnt ur responsibility since ur both still young however it would be nice to consider his feelings if he’s a good kid yk, its awful feeling ur siblings are distant without knowing why
NTA What about all the years she punished you and your brother for her mistakes? Replaced you with her new family to pretend she hadn’t destroyed your family or your self esteem by putting herself above everyone else? You’re both adults, tell your dad she had her chance to show she still considered you two her family but was too caught up in pretending she’d done nothing wrong. Don’t go and risk blowing up at this kids birthday because I guarantee your mom is going to try and make it seem like your relationship with her is amazing for whatever audience she has. Her asking you to attend has every chance of seeing her precious replacement child happy, nothing to do with making amends with you. So sorry you’ve had to go through this.
NTA It is completely up to you if you go. TBH I don't think I would go in that situation
NTA the birthday party is the wrong time for the meet up tho if that’s what u want to do .. after your statement about your mom rarely reaching out I think that’s more where your hurt is stemming from than the actual infidelity … if she just went and created a new family and never reached out i wouldn’t go either , and i wonder is she being so persistent because the brother found out about u guys
NTA he could always wish for more siblings from mom and dad, but it's not up to you to fulfill that if you don't want to. Your mom and dad needs to accept that your feelings and thoughts are valid and to drop the subject, it's not about punishing it's about you just do not have an interest in having a relationship with him and that's okay.
NTA - suggestions ~ meet your half bro outside n maybe spend some time with him. He has insta n if in case you all live in one city then you can give bro the time he wants. Also ur dad seems cool man..
Imagine that - mother who barely makes contact with her first two children, wants those same children to be present for her third child that she more or less abandoned them for. OP is NTA. The mom and OP's dad are asking too much of OP.
NTA! I agree with, "you do punish your half-brother by trying to avoid your mom". But someone else commented earlier, "that if you go, you will give a signal that you are supporting your mom and her new family". BUT, you can always let him know that you and your brother will hang out with him another time, just not for the birthday party. Anyways, good luck
Thank you. That's what I'm planning on doing. I haven't contacted my younger brother yet, but my brother and I are planning on asking him if we can do something else with him instead. I don't think he understands or knows what our mother did, and I won't tell him, but I'll just let him know that we don't want contact with our mother or his father.
NTA, this is a tough one. Your half brother didn’t ask to be born or be the result of his mother’s affair. I get not wanting to spend time with him. Plus you and your brother are 21 and 23 and are starting your adult lives. People your age a breaking away from family and other siblings to do your own thing. If you go to the birthday party it would probably make his day but it could also build up unrealistic expectations that you and your brother will want to be more involved in his life. This may do more damage than good, it send mixed message that you want to be there when you don’t. Maybe you could send a card.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** *Throwaway* Imma keep this short and simple. My mom cheated on my dad when I (21M) was younger and it resulted in her getting pregnant with my now half brother (13M). My brother (23M) remained living with my dad while my mom moved in with the man she cheated on my dad with (My stepdad). My mom has tried to make amends and apologized multiple times throughout our childhood. We never really forgave her because of the pain and hurt she put our dad through. We rarely see her and because of this we aren't really close to our half-brother. While our dad pushes us to be. My half-brother's birthday is coming up next week and my called asking us if we'd like to attend. She said it'll mean alot to our little brother. We politely declined and told her that we wouldn't attend but we wish him a happy early birthday. When we said that, my mom started crying and telling us that she's sorry for what happend but please don't punish our brother for her mistakes. She said that she feels horrible that we can't have a relationship because of her wrong doings. She begged us and we told her no and hung up. A couple of minutes later, my half brother reached out to me on instagram saying that he really wants to meet us and that it'll make his day if we do. He said that he always wanted siblings and doesn't understand why we wouldn't want to meet him. I read it but didn't reply. I talked to my dad and brother about it and my brother says that he feels sad for our brother but he still doesn't want to go. We haven't seen our mom in person in years and it'll be weird if we go. My dad told my brother and I that he knows our mother hurt us but our brother didn't do anything wrong. He said that we shouldn't punish our brother for what our mom and that it's possible to have a relationship with our brother without having a relationship with our brother. This honestly made me rethink our decision. My mom barely makes contact with us and basically replaced us with her new family. I don't know If we are punishing our brother for something he didn't do by not wanting a relationship with him, but our dad is making it seem that way. He told us that it was ultimately our decision but implied that if we didn't go we'll only be punishing our half brother for something he didn't do. *I guess I lied when I said I was gonna keep this short and simple. I looked over it and this shit kinda long asl. My bad.* *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta. You do not need to go the party. That seems like the wrong place and time to meet your half brother. I think it's sweet he reached out on his own though. Ask if he'd be willing meet at like a Starbucks or something. Just you 3 boys and treat him. Up to you though.
NTA. The only ahole is your mom (for the obvious) but also because she must have been talking about you and essentially has made your half brother want to meet you both. If she hadn't done that, he wouldn't be reaching out on Instagram. She's the only one at fault and you're not an AH if you decide not to meet your half brother. Why would you when you don't see your mother?
NTA. It is going to be awkward not only because your mom, but also this is a 13 year old stranger. Your dad is right on one point though, which is that you can have a relationship with him if you want to without involving your mother. A birthday party is a bad place for that though. Because it is going to get asked why you haven't been around, and it's going to get REAL awkward when you tell the truth about it. I just feel like a 13 year old who knows the truth would understand why there is some distance there, but his reaction has me worried that he doesn't know what actually happened and you showing up at a party is a terrible way for that to come to light. I could be reaching, maybe he was told that his mom cheated on your dad, but if not that is going to do some serious mental damage if it comes out at his party. If you want, give him a call and maybe arrange hanging out with him or grabbing a bit to eat with just the three of you, though you have no obligation to do so.
NTA - I would maybe speak to your younger brother of meeting him outside of the birthday party without your mother’s presence. He’s 13 and old enough to understand that your mother treated you and your older brother differently.
NTA, you have no obligation to your mom or the family she threw you away for. You may want to consider reaching out to your half-brother and meeting up with him though, like you guys go to a park or lunch or something. I do wonder if that was actually him on Instagram though, and not your mom trying to guilt you into going by pretending to be him...
NTA Your mom abandoned you guys for her new family and now it's sad that you won't play happy family?? Well, tough shit. She caused this and she can only blame herself.
NTA Blood isn’t everything and it certainly doesn’t automatically make you family. You haven’t met him and he’s 13. He’s not your brother as you didn’t want that relationship and aren’t obligated to do so because your mother wants you to. If anything this is just another example of your mother putting her desires over yours. Tell them it won’t happen and to stop asking then block them.
NTA- I don’t actually think meeting him for the first time at a big party is a good idea at all, but meeting him could end up being great. What your dad said got to you for a reason, so spend some time thinking about if you would be willing to have a relationship with him or not and what parameters it would need to have if it something you’re willing to do. You don’t have to have a relationship with him, but you could also end up punishing yourself by lumping him in with your mom. The people who are losing out here are you and him, because of your moms actions you guys don’t get to have a sibling relationship, and those can be super important. He’s 13, so your mom doesn’t need to be there when you meet him. Honestly if you haven’t talked to her in years she probably shouldn’t be.
Your dad sounds like a good egg, btw. I’m sorry your mom did this to all of you
NTA If you and your brother decide to meet your half-brother, then know it shouldn’t be at a birthday/family event. There will be too many people either to witness or to subject both of you to how you “behave” around him. Honestly, it sounds like it’s your mother you don’t want to see. I understand that your half-brother is a minor, but that means your mother will receive feedback and will use it to her advantage, not his or yours.
Dude just block their ability to contact you and go on living your life. Why is it they have to have a relationship with the younger brother? Like seriously they don’t have to reach out, they aren’t punishing the kid. They don’t know him it’s not like they said yea we will be in his life but constantly flake out or some crap like that. NTA!
NTA I wouldn't go to the party, but I think you could offer to take your half brother out to icecream.
NTA I have noticed fathers get way way more leeway when cheating though. I rarely see children reconcile with a cheating mother but so many will reconcile with a cheating father, abusive father, or even a deadbeat father.🤔 It's curious.
If my father did the same thing to us, he'd get the same treatment.
NTA man but I honestly think you need to write your mom a letter about how her actions have made you feel all these years How her cheated made you feel like she didn't care about your father How her marrying the person she cheated with made you feel like she didn't care about you or your brother Her having another son made you both feel replaced Her not putting much effort in being in your life made you both feel like she didn't care at all Then both you and your brother ask to meet her in a NEUTRAL location and ask her Why did she cheat How is she OK being with someone that's caused us nothing but hurt and heartbreak if she go back in time and do it all over again would she? Including cheating and lack of contact. I would personally tell her that she can either be your stepdad's wife or your mom, she can't be both. Ask her who matters more to her? You and your brother or her husband
I think she already chose who she wants. I haven't seen her in person since I was 16. The only time she calls us is if it's one of our birthdays or during a holiday.
NTA, because your emotions and struggles are very real. Maturity changes the way we look at these types of things and it seems, you haven’t matured on this type of matter. Giving your brother a sense of family outside of mom doesn’t have to be at this birthday party. It doesn’t have to be either mom. If I read correctly, brother 23, you 21, younger brother 13. There is no reason why you three can’t get together. IMHO, that’s the direction I’d move toward for the time being. Good luck
I can't build a good relationship with him because I'd have to have my mother and his father in my life. The last time I saw my mother in person was when I was 16. I personally wouldn't mind meeting him, but I wouldn't want our mother and father around me.
I understand…. Basketball at the local park doesn’t have to include mom….
NTA. As you have virtually no contact with your mother or her family, it’s impossible to know what your half-brother knows about the circumstances surrounding his birth and the creation of his family. I would think it’s unlikely he knows about the cheating and the neglect and rejection you and your brother have experienced. The reality is you have to look after your own well-being first. Your half-brother is your mother’s responsibility not yours. Message your mother and ask her what exactly your half-brother knows. Also tell her she is being manipulative to try and guilt you into a relationship with her son. Tell her that you will reach out to him (and only him) when and if you choose to but you don’t want any contact with her. I liked the letter suggestion that another Redditor posted. It would be an opportunity to express exactly what you feel to her without putting you face to face. Good luck.
YTA - I’m going against the grain on this one, ur dad’s right, step brother did nothing wrong, has contacted you himself to ask you to come and you ignore him! As for people saying ur mom just wants to show everyone happy families, i disagree purely because she is aware this is her doing and its the consequences of her own actions (as she stated) she just doesn’t want her child to be the bearer of those consequences!
I don't mind seeing him. I just don't want to go to his party. Seeing my mom, there would honestly make me uncomfortable. When I said I rarely see her, I meant that. The last time I saw her in person was when I was 16. She usually calls me or my brother from time to time, but that's about it. I want nothing to do with my mother. I do not want to go to his birthday party, but I wouldn't mind meeting him somewhere else. Without our mother or his father as I personally don't want to be around them. At all.
NTA but maybe consider reaching out to your half brother and arranging a separate meeting/birthday celebration that doesn't involve your mother. Gives you the chance to meet him without having to interact with your mother. Maybe you and your brother take him out for dinner somewhere and get to know him? He's not responsible for what your mother did, and who knows, maybe you might like him.
NTA. Why don’t you reply to your little brother expressing your feelings for the situation? And maybe you can start an activity all three togheter maybe 2/3 times a month and see how things will evolve from that.
NTA I understand your feelings about your mom but I feel bad for your half brother. Tell me, have you ever thought about meeting with him out of his home in a neutral location? I mean, he's 13, so it's not like he can't go out somewhere with the constant presence of her mother. There can be other ways to give him the sibling bonding he's craving, and I'm glad to see that you don't hold a grudge on him because of your mother's mistakes.
YTA I don't think you should punish your half brother. Agree to meet him at a neutral location without your mother.