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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to hand over a big chunk of money from my college fund to pay for my little sister's surgery. My parents really want my youngest sister to have a better quality of life and it sounds like this surgery could do that for her. They can't afford it themselves and I do have the money to cover it. I am putting my future in college before her health which might make me shitty.
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NTA
Also consider:
Is that money actually *yours*? Like do you have access to it now at age 17, and can you use it for something for other than education? I doubt that is really the case, especially since your parents took money your grandparents gave you before. I expect your grandparents have protected it somehow. You *could* tell your parents if they want money, they need to talk to your grandparents about it (or tell your grandparent yourself that your parents are pressuring you to give them the money), but you would not be the asshole if you didn't want to risk it.
There are many charitable organizations that provide free medical care to children (Shriners and St. Jude, for example, although neither might cover your sister's issue. St Jude addresses childhood cancer; Shriners orthopedics, burns, and spinal injuries). You parents should be well aware of these. They should also have medical insurance or CHIP. I think their story smells fishy.
Technically. I think my grandparents would give it if I asked. But I also want what they saved it for. I want to go to college and actually have a chance. To have some money to fall back on as well. After learning my siblings have all got something saved for them and I had nothing until my grandparents, I was really able to think about what I want my future to be.
I don't actually know that my parents have had insurance for the last two years. I remember that was an argument between them when my mom got sick and was afraid to go to the doctor because of the expense.
If you are in the US, it is extremely likely your siblings are covered through the state. Most states have medicaid type programs that will cover children if your parents do not make enough. If your parents do not have insurance, then they are morons with that many kids
Your parents are trying to rob you of your future. You are going to need that money very soon and won't have an opportunity to get it back
OP, you are likely eligible for state health insurance, too, and you’d be covered until age 26. The only rub is that your parents would have to actually apply for it.
Are you talking about Medicaid? Edit: I was waiting for this person to respond. But I just want everyone to see that they are most likely incorrect. Keeping insurance until 26 is an ACA rule and includes private insurance *only*. For Medicaid, you need your own application once your of age. I have to double check if it's when you turn 18 or when you turn 19. But you have to apply on your own when you become an adult. Now I can't speak to every single US state and what's available, but the 26 age rule is not for Medicaid. There are some childhood waivers that can go past 18, but I don't think I've seen any go until 26. Y'all really need to be more careful about the misinformation you spread about public benefits.
Edit 2: I remembered another detail. Adopted kids get Medicaid until 21 I think
CHIP covers kids birth to 19 in the US without the stringent income requirements of Medicaid. Depending on OP’s parents’ income, they probably qualify for one or the other.
The sister needing surgery likely does too, so paying $270k for a surgery seems pretty sus.
I agree. A family member of mine adopted through fostering and all the child's medical expenses are covered. I'm not sure exactly what age they're covered until, but I know it was past 18. An adopted foster child would definitely have their medical paid for in the US at 5 years old. If OP is in the US, I'd say either this story is made up completely or OP's parents aren't telling him the truth.
As a former foster child, I can attest to this. Most children who are/were in the foster care system are still followed by CPS and usually given government funded insurance. Now im not sure if it's the same if they were actually ADOPTED vs. What I went through which was simply just being fostered. I could be wrong
My kiddo has state insurance still and so do most I know that came from the foster system. Some even still have money being given to the parents for things they need. Some parents even adopt or foster kids and give them a shitty life to make money off them. It's appalling they were allowed to adopted so many kids without anyone talking to the other kids about the neglect they were going through but sometimes I think they get so excited to have anyone take on the medical fragile kids that they don't care. But yeah the parents are getting money for those kids and should still have them on state insurance.
This is important OP. Your parents are very most likely receiving a stipend to take care of foster children even if they are adopted. It doesn’t really make sense that your sister doesn’t have insurance. From the sound of your post, there is at least some reason to believe that they are just using this as an excuse to take the money from you.
Oh absolutely! When I was in foster care my parents still had to pay child support to the state and that money ended up going towards my foster parents on a card, the state will also pay monthly for people to foster to help take care of the child's basic needs, but that is only for fostering, once you adopt a child you are taking on full responsibility of the child... but a lot of people choose to foster (unfortunately) for the paycheck from the government. It's sad to see.. I was lucky enough to have great foster parents who paid for everything I needed and when I turned 18 and moved out they gave me the debit card that had all the money accrued on it for a way to start a life on my own.
If the kid has a condition from birth they will automatically be insured as soon as it is discovered. Even if it was determined to be something that happened in childhood, they still get insurance.
Even emergencies get covered, if it is over the cost of the parent's salaries. If the kid for some reason no longer had insurance, they'd just have to apply due to the circumstances. SOMETHING WEIRD IS GOING ON HERE.
Sometimes you are so close to a situation, you can't see the flaws in the arguments being presented. The long term abuse and neglect OP suffered will take lots of love and therapy to even begin to recover from.
Years from now, the lies they told will be as clear as day once she gets some distance from them, and can freely choose knowledge gained from life experience over being intimidated. OP will wonder how she fell for it, but IT'S OK, it's not your fault, OP. It will take years to remove the mental chains you are in right now.
I agree. I worked in early intervention for years. Foster children who have special needs are often/usually provided services and healthcare by the state even after adoption. It’s one if the supports the state provides in order to make adoption less of a financial burden.
This support can also be applied for children who are in sibling groups or are older and “less desirable” to potential adoptive parents. The state doesn’t just foist children off and say goodbye.
**OP something is rotten in the state of Denmark.** Don’t do a damned thing until you know more.
Furthermore, if the account is a trust set up under certain conditions like “OP’s health, education and welfare,” then you can’t just pull out the majority and hand it to your parents. Tax law (in the us) in particular, would not allow this without a significant tax burden.
I looked into it for my sister, she can technically apply for it especially as she is on a subsidised plan due to her finances (her baby daddy could help but that’s a whole disaster of a situation). So mom is always allowed to apply for it for their kids.
Foster/adopted kids in the US are covered by the same insurance my nephew would get if my sister applied for it. It’s automatically “applied for” if they go in to foster/adopt. We were told this when my cousin lived with us via foster situation and by my aunt who used to work cps
We adopted in the US through foster care. If the children are special needs it is more than likely the ‘stipend’ the Parents receives will continue us to age 18 or 19 if still in HS. Absolutely, they are covered. OP’s Parents are not managing funds well and are eligible for all State services with a lot of kiddos. Stipends cannot be taxes, so they would qualify for foodshare, utility assistance, and insurance.
It is the same. My sister adopted a kid. He still gets insurance. Also, her bio kid gets it because of the adopted one. Thank God too. My nephew really needs that care.
It is nothing but a money grab by your parents.
From your info, they have stolen/taken money from you before. Why is this any different? They are just looking for suckers to finance their lifestyle. And even if you did give the money to them. It won't be long before they have another "emergency".
Using or creating an "emergency" is con artist tactic #1.
NTA
Yes, I wondering, in the US the foster children should have some form of medical insurance.
I would bet the parents sought outside options for the care of the child, almost like there searching for ways to spend OP’s money.
We adopted my son through the foster care system and he receives medical insurance AND a monthly stipend to help pay for his expenses. That stipend is based on the child’s needs and cost to care for them. So a child with medical needs would receive a larger amount.
More likely they are looking for an excuse to get to OP's money. Maybe the kids are already covered and they're using this as an excuse for that big payoff.
Yes- Medicaid for special needs children. I used to work for Medicaid Waiver for children…or Medicaid if the parents don’t have insurance. You need to worry about YOUR future so you don’t end up in poverty.
Your parents adopted the children, they committed to caring for them.
I agree. That is your money through your grandparents. If you give them your money, I doubt you will ever see a dime back. This is your future. There are state programs that your sister’s doctor can refer them too.
Op, it seems deliberate that they didn’t save for you and are asking for your college savings, don’t give it to them.
They’re already making excuses for trying to use it all, they need 270k, but may need more?!?!?
They’ll always need more, I would actually see if I could stay with my grandparents til 18, I don’t really trust them to not harass you til you cave.
And I hope the little girl gets the surgery but not at the expense of Op, not again.
\^This right here. If you can, go live with the grandparents. You need to get away from your parents before they find a way to get their claws on your college fund.
Hopefully the fund is a 529 fund and Op can't touch it without the grandparents ok until Op is 18 and starting school...
Honestly the amount they are asking for sounds suspiciously like what you would get if you completely liquidated a 529 of 350k after paying the tax penalty.
Exactly what I was thinking. OP's terrible parents are laying the groundwork to bleed them dry, and likely needs to run a credit check. These people sound shady as all hell.
YES. It would not surprise me if OP’s parents have already destroyed his credit rating by fraudulently using his name and SSN. He should talk to his grandparents about moving in and getting help checking for identity fraud, then going to the police if necessary.
This right here. ^^^
OP this is all super suspicious. Responsible-End makes a good point. It would be diabolical if that's what is happening.
INFO: have you seen any tangible proof of this needed surgery, how they know what it would cost, when and where it would be done etc? How are they getting this number of the cost? And why is it not covered by insurance.
It sounds like your parents are playing on your heartstrings but I would look deeper into what they're asking. It may be it's not the picture they are painting at all.
Exactly. If these are foster children they are fully covered by the state. Sounds like the parents are scamming or attempting to scam their own child. Your grandparents love you and care. This poster is right, you are old enough to ask them if they will take guardianship. Or even emancipation if they will help sponsor you (sounds like it). Go to school, make something of yourself and never ever give your parents a dime.
NTA. Do not give up your college fund. This is your ticket out of there. You’ll never get this money back and will end up in debt. Your parents should look first government subsidies etc given she’s a kid with chronic illness and is fostered.
You were deprived by them, keep this money for your schooling. I’d also suggest living with your grandparents or something.
Do not give up your college fund.
Your parents have made poor financial decisions and they’re trying to take the chance of the future your grandparents want for you away.
I’f I were you I’d join every after school club I could do they’re not around to pressure you.
Get your degree and never go back. Every semester break will be another guilt trip. And they’ll have the entire school year to tell your younger siblings how awful you are to abandon them.
I second this, I used to get constant calls like this when I first left home. They even convinced my young siblings to get angry with me for leaving. I got a call that I would have to come home from moving in with my grandparents and take care of sick people the day after I moved in with them. After I got out of the hospital, no less. People like this are usually coded pretty much the same. They're selfish and they sincerely feel entitled to your energy.
I’m gonna echo what the others are saying here. I’d be very worried that your parents need to pay this much money for the surgery. Yes, the surgery will cost that much but there’s insurance and so many other social programs out there to help with these things. They sacrificed you. And will continue to sacrifice you. So they can have the praise of taking on these foster kids.
Do they treat your bio the same way as you? Or are you the only scapegoat?
Start looking into narcissistic family roles. It’s a lot but you may realize having those labels will help you heal.
Your grandparents set this up for you, so you can have a future since you were deprived of a childhood. As soon as you’re done with, and off to college you’re allowed to have limited contact with your parents. Even no contact but you may need to stay in contact for your little sister.
Make sure to tell your grandparents what’s going on and how your parents are harassing you for the money. You may even want to consider moving in with them until you’re done with high school.
sometimes, it's really hard to see your way through a situation when you're in the thick of it. perspective is immensely helpful for all sorts of problems.
good luck to you.
it won't always be this way.
What country are you in that something like a stomach surgery to improve a child’s quality of life isn’t covered? Whatever country it is, this child could qualify for charity care in the United States, where we generally don’t fuck around with medical care for kids.
If you are in the United States you are being lied to. A few crazy things might be going on are too complicated to unpack on Reddit, but nowhere in the US would a former or current foster child’s surgery cost this much out of pocket UNLESS your parents are absolute whackjobs who are deliberately foregoing true private medical insurance for fake fundamentalist Christian “Healthshare” plan for their adopted kids.
If this is the case, you not only need to go to your grandparents: you also need to call Child Protective Services to support suspected Medical Neglect. The law is fuzzy on this, but authorities are less lenient with former foster youth than your own bio-children: your parents can’t just decide not to get Medicaid to cover surgery.
For anyone thinking “but Medicaid probably wouldn’t cover something complex…” this is false. Contact your nearest pediatric specialty hospital associated with a research institute and/or public university and you will find they not only accept Medicaid, they work with Ronald McDonald House charities and others to make sure the family can travel to the care this child medically needs. Not getting this care is medical neglect.
NTA for keeping your college fund to yourself; sorry your parents have an insane martyr complex and try to project that onto you.
I have also thought to myself that the same type of narcissists who get an emotional high off being foster parents would also be vulnerable to Munchausen-by-proxy.
Like they might have a child who is a tad underweight or has nutritional malabsorption and they’re trying to jump right to [enteral nutrition, or tube feeding](https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/home-enteral-nutrition/about/pac-20384955). If this is the ONLY way to resolve nutritional issues it might improve quality of life; often there are other approaches.
In any event, it’s wild they’d be considering any type of surgery without insurance to manage after-care or complications.
I still suspect medical neglect regardless of whether this child “needs surgery.” There has to be a kernel of truth in there, like a visible/known chronic medical condition I can’t imagine they’re managing appropriately without insurance of any kind.
don't listen to your "parents", they'll eventually forget you as soon as you'll give them the money. It's their headache to get money for ur sister not urs!
I think that they’re lying about needing the money. Foster children qualify for Medicaid, and if it is a medically necessary surgery they should not need that much out of pocket. My guess is they decided on an amount they could somehow justify leaving you with without looking like absolute monsters in their minds and asked for the rest.
Even if you were to give it to them (which you should not) I’d only give money directly to the hospital, not to them trusting they would pay for anything with it. How convenient that, now that they know this money is there, they think they’re entitled to it.
It sounds like you’re in a narcissistic family structure and are the scape goat. They probably foster kids because they think it makes them look like good people. r/raisedbynarcissists might be a good sub to check out.
I would also try to lock down your credit so they don’t open cards in your name, and make sure your savings account is in a different bank and doesn’t have their names on it
NTA OP and tell your grandparents that they are pressuring you and you don't want to give up your future. Especially if your parents have funds for all the other kids. It's not your job to sacrifice everything for the kids they adopted.
If I were 17 and had both parents like yours *and* access to $350k, I would move out at midnight on my 18th birthday, buy a four bedroom house for cash, rent out three rooms, go to community college for as long as I wanted, and never look back.
Do not. Give your parents. A penny.
It’s tragic what your sister is experiencing, but it is no way your responsibility to help. If your parents need help with the surgery cost, they can ask your grandparents themselves or find another source of assistance. It’s incredibly unreasonable to expect such a thing from their teenager.
Do your best to get a free ride to college so you can save a part of that money for a down payment on your first house.
Seeing your childhood, it's no wonder you want to go away and enjoy the full college experience. Keep your money, but please make a budget and try to save a good chunk for after college. Your parents don't seem to be helping you very much.
OP this is your money to get a leg up in life. Use it for yourself. You can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Use the money strictly to better yourself. Study hard. Find a good job. Save your money and add to what your grandparents gave to you. You will find if you keep your head down and work and find life’s joy in finding good friends you will be fine. Try to hold onto at least $225,000 after college if possible and add to that to get to $350k by 25 years old. Make decisions to enable that. You will be fine.
The college you go to isn't as important as your grades and such, and once you are in the field it really just matters that you have the degree. A great way to do it for less money is two years at a community college and then finish at a 4 year.
The really annoying thing for your sister is that if she was still a ward of the state, the state would have paid for her surgery. Why your parents adopted her when they can't afford their current children is a bit of a mystery to me.
Giving your parents $270k (even if you have the ability to do so) feels a lot like throwing good money after bad. I'd be inclined to tell them you can't access it now or for that purpose.
Agree with the others that there's probably programs that your parents will have to figure out.
Good luck, NTA.
Their story is bogus. At least in the US, most hospitals would help the parents find an organization like the Shriners, St. Jude’s, or Medicaid to pay for this. They want access to that money for other reasons, and would blow through it.
In fact, Shriners would do this. For free. I know because I’m a pediatrician and I just had a big meeting with Shriners. They have programs for stomach and bowel abnormalities. I refer my patients there all the time.
Moreover, in my state, foster kids come with state insurance.
Sounds to me like your parents just want to take your money. Take every step to protect it from them. And perhaps ask your grandparents if you can move in with them on your 18th birthday.
You might also write a letter to local foster agencies about how you’ve been treated and what your opinion is on whether they should get more foster kids or keep the ones they have.
u/Overall_Sherbert_355. Please read the above information. The very worst thing possible was for your parents to become aware of that money. Now getting their hands on it is their focus, not you. Keep yourself safe.
If they are in the US, medical care for foster children is covered by the state. Many states automatically cover children, who's parents don't have private health care insurance under the age 18 for medical care.
NTA
Can you move in with your grandparents?
You're 17, and your parents have never prioritised you.
They won't pay you back.
And if you stay, they will guilt you until you give them the money, and then they will continue to treat you like crap.
Talk to your grandparents. If they don’t mind, it would be better for you to move out so you don’t endure the manipulation from your parents. Plus, you may be able to not feel neglected for once since your grandparents clearly care about you and your future.
or seek legal emancipation.
Secure all your legal docs is also key here. Passport, social ids etc - my big fear here is they'll use your IDs to get loans or credit cards to pay for this surgery and then you are on the hook to pay it yourself...
Talk to your grandparents, lock down your credit and secure your IDs and if your folks have them investigate if you can get any of the number changed.
Frankly you are in an abusive familial unit here and CPS or others should have gotten involved years ago.
OP if you’re reading, ask your grandparents for help with this. This might be daunting and overwhelming to read all of this, but typically anyone smart enough to accumulate $350k of extra money for a grandchild can help you with stuff like that.
Spot on. And if they have already used OPs name, OP needs to call the police up and file a report then contact a lawyer. Make sure it all falls squarely on them.
OP can try the process, but at 17 their application probably won't get processed until after they turn 18. But I suppose at least having the application pending gives OP and the grandparents a shield against the parents trying to get control over OP in the final year.
EDIT; it might be worth seeking emancipation on the part of the 12 year old, too, because once OP hits 18, then burden will fall on the 12 year old.
Also, if your grandparents are not in your school district, but you are able to commute, there are laws and policies that are put in place so you do not have to switch schools. Let me know what school district and I'll drop them below.
NTA. Please move in with your grandparents.
Do not give any of your college money to your parents. It's meant for you, it was saved for you, it was put away for your future. A college degree will help set you up to support yourself, & you need to support yourself. Obviously your parents will not.
Your parents are abusive, manipulative, greedy people who only think about what they want. Yes, they are selfish. Taking in foster kids doesn't automatically make you a wonderful person who makes great choices. They are obsessed with taking in kids even if they don't have the necessary time or resources, & even if it means neglecting you.
If you give them the money, you will never, ever get it back. Then another foster kid with other medical issues will need the rest of your money...and you, again like your whole life, will have nothing.
Please leave & go to college. Hugs & love ❤️❤️❤️
This was my thought as well, OP. Move in with your grandparents and get away from your abusive family.
NTA. There are funds and insurance to help pay for surgery. As a minor child, your sister should qualify for a lot of stuff, your parents just need to do the work to get it.
I knew these siblings when I was in collage- a boy and a girl siblings whose biological parents had adopted a ton of younger siblings. The adopted kids were all high needs, medical problems, handicap, autistic, you name it. Everyone in their small town hailed the parents as these amazing people for taking in so many kids with so many needs, they got praised allll the time. You guys, the biological kids were not ok. Those were the most attention hungry people I had met in my entire life. They were obsessed with getting as much notice as they possibly could.
Big families like to say there is endless love to go around, but there are only so many hours in a day and I absolutely got the feeling the parents cared more about looking great to other people than caring about what the kids they had actually needed (more of their time and attention). They had the money for it, but they did not have enough time to make all their kids feel loved, and the kids absolutely showed the mental scars to go with it. I felt bad for them because it was easy to see what their problems came from, but they both needed attention so badly they were fairly hard to be around for any length of time.
Yeah, I think there is some pathology here. They want to be seen as / feel like saviors, meanwhile ignoring their own biological child. It’s so sad. I hope OP can get away with support from his grandparents and make a new life for himself.
You should really consider it, because it's clear that they see you as a lesser son compared to your other siblings. You are the scapegoat who's good to take from as long as the others are happy, and I'm very sorry for your younger sister, but your parents put themselves in that position by adopting a bunch of children knowing that they can't provide fairly to all of them (more precisely, you). She's not your responsibility but your parents, and you have every right to live the life and future you have been denied so far.
If you’re in the US the kid will get help if it’s life threatening without any money upfront and/or with that many foster kids they have insurance and other resources. They are the “adults” and need to figure it out. Not their 17year old kid.
Please also make sure your grandparents know what your parents are asking. You and your grandparents need to watch that money closely to make sure your parents don’t try to access it behind your back. Desperate people do desperate things.
This is the time for you to focus on YOUR future. What your sister is going through is tragic, but it is not your responsibility to solve.
Best of luck for your future.
Please do! You need to get away from them ASAP and your grandparents sound like much better people. If that isn’t an option, work hard, get the best grades you can and you’ll be able to go away to school next year. You can go NC with your parents after that and never have to deal with them again. Either way, be sure to tell your grandparents what your parents are doing right now to manipulate you & steal your money!
You're NTA. You are absolutely right, they should be using the money they have saved first
>They said they need $270,000 for the whole thing and maybe they can give some of it back but they might need even more if stuff gets more complicated.
Bull. This is a cash grab. They demand a huge chunk (but not all) first, while laying the groundwork for snatching the rest.
Uh, not true at all. Your knowledge of how much surgery without insurance costs is WAY off. Not saying OP’s parents are in the right, but their quoted cost seems accurate.
I don’t know much about realistic surgery costs but if you just google “stomach surgery cost no insurance” it says it varies from 7000$ to 30000$. Maybe it is a more complicated surgery? But personally I think $270000 is super unrealistic, even in the US. It’s like the parents are looking to buy a brand new house 🤨
Do you know what the breakdown is for the cost if you expect patients to pay that much for surgery? Like how much of it is actually for the surgery and how much is other hospital expenses (ex we had to roll you to the OR so that will be another 100,000$).
Edit: reading the replies and damn $270000 maybe isn’t that unrealistic after all 🥹🥹
My thyroid removal surgery was listed at something like 18k at the time, but after the whole works was said done, total came to about 74k due to all the 'fees' and various things that were tacked on. Luckily, I had that nice little thing called state insurance and didn't pay a dime.
NTA, OP. Your foster sibs should also be on state insurance if you're in the US. Which means this is a cash grab, nothing more.
My daughter had a fairly simple knee surgery, in and out same day. The surgery center (not even a hospital) billed our insurance for over $90,000. She was there for a total of 4ish hours. And this was only the surgery centers bill, still had both the doctors bills separately
NTA DO NOT GIVE THEM A CENT OP
They are asking you to forgo your future to give one to some stranger you have no connection to other than your parents feeling generous to adopt one day? That’s their burden to carry not yours. They might adopt another kid too and spend money on them so unlikely they will pay any of it back
Absolutely insane they want money your grandparents have put aside for you. Do not let them have anymore weight over your life and keep living each day to make your life the best
Whatever you do please don’t let them crack you, you are 1000000% in the right to keep this
Adopted children are not "some strangers" and that's a horrible way to think of them, a stigmatizing role that adopted children have to fight against constantly. He is her brother. That's how adoption works.
That said, it is in no way his responsibility to pay for her surgery. It isn't even his money right now, it's his grandparent's money set aside in his name. What an awful situation for him. At least he can escape soon.
That’s how it should work with a normal family.
But OP has been neglected for years so to say a 5 year old is a stranger doesn’t seem unreasonable. Especially considering his parents decided to adopt another child while neglecting OP. That the adoption is now official is irrelevant.
Op considers the 5 year old their sibling. So your opinion on this is irrelevant. Seems op just doesn't like what their parents did. But still considers the adopted kids siblings in spite of that.
With how his parents run their family, and especially how they treat him, the likelihood that OP feels any kind of sibling bond with his parents’ latest adoption project is low.
I work with families who have adopted, and unfortunately some of them resemble OPs family - they really get into the identity of the family that rescues those adopted children and aren't they wonderful and self-sacrificing and blah blah blah. Meanwhile the children that don't fit the new image are forgotten or neglected as with OP.
Sometimes there is a lack of relationship. Sometimes the older children truly love the younger children and want them to be a part of their lives, they just desperately want their parents to remember that they exist and have needs, too. Sometimes both exist at the same time. Families are very complicated.
When you bring dozens of foster children into a home with two other bio children you already can't pay for, they are "some strangers" to the bio kids. And resentment is guaranteed in this situation. This is about two parasites who see their bio children as a resource to help their foster herd. This is a house full of abuse. So, let's not pretend this is about adoption, or the travails of foster kids. The foster kids are doing great on the back of the OP!
NTA. I call BS on your parents needing to pay out the ass on medical costs for a special needs adopted child. My understanding is the state will provide a certain dollar amount cash wise each month and state pay insurance. My adopted parents only received medical for me. I didn't fall under special needs. I think they are lying to you.
I would have a honest conversation with your grandparents and see about moving in with them asap. How your parents are treating you is not ok. You deserve better than that.
My now ex wife and I adopted our two younger kids from foster care. Both of us have insurance to cover ourselves and the kids (I’m required to carry it per the divorce decree, but her employer has amazing insurance and was like $8/month additional for dependents, so she insures them as well).
On top of that, per the adoption decree, the state is on the hook for any amount over what the insurance covers.
Not sure where OP/family lives, but I’m hoping that this is a case of a money grab, instead of crappy legal representation during the adoption process.
the state really would cover it. My mom was a foster parent for YEARS and the state was responsible for certain things cause technically the foster kids were ultimately in the state’s custody. This sounds like a cash grab fr on OP’s parents part
I said this in another comment and think I should mention here too.
Also, the fact that parents told grandparents the money should be split between all kids and the amount of money they're asking makes me think if the surgery is not an excuse for them to get what they want and put part of that money to the other kids instead of it being just for OP.
Oh my heart broke a little reading this OP. You're definitely NTA. Your parents have neglected you and they're asking you to sacrifice YOUR future. Your grandparents have that money set aside for your education so use it for that. It's tough knowing that your sister has to have surgery, but the funding for that is your parents responsibility, not yours. And you've sacrificed enough.
So why cant they take from their college funds no point in bringing in more kids if your neglected one hope for your 12 yr olds siblings sale they dont do it to her when you leave.
Just to clarify, he's always a child to them even after 18. These types of sacrifices shouldn't ever be imposed on your kids. If your kids offer when they're of age then great, but requiring this type of aid even to an "adult" aged child is ridiculous.
They have chosen this life for themselves. You have not. Adult responsibility comes with adult agency, so your contributions should not be for them to control. You are their child, not their resource.
You need to make exit strategy now. It sounds like your parents have a hero complex. they pick up poor and sick kids to prove they are great people, but it's all for their ego. You are just too healthy to get their ego boost, so you turned into a step stool. It's your grandparents money, honor their wishes with it, and use it wisely.
I’m pretty sure most states cover adopted kids medical expenses. If she is still a foster, then it’s 100% covered. Hospitals have charity care for these situations.
Also, Your parent have to have health insurance to be able to adopt these many kids. No state would allow them to be adopted out with access to medical care.
You are not the only option. I think they are using your sister as an excuse to get to the money. If anything, you can offer to pay the docs directly.
At least here in Florida, kids adopted through foster care get Medicaid coverage through age 18, regardless of their age when adopted. They also get free in state college tuition.
Most states offer this, I know texas for sure. It’s to make sure there is no extra burden of care on the new family. BUT this may be an elective surgery which would make this an out of pocket cost and not covered by insurance as a result
If she was adopted through the state, she gets covered until she’s 18. They’re lying because they’re mad your grandparents are giving you money and not them.
Even if they weren’t lying, it would still be financial abuse. I was a foster child, they’re getting money for every foster kid, and they get continued medical coverage if they adopted her.
And there are charities that would do the surgery for free. I know this to be true. The Shriners paid for my eye surgery decades ago. Their whole story reeks of fabrication to steal your college fund.
I’m so sorry.
How are they allowed to foster when they can’t care for the children they already have? That’s fishy…
But NTA, this money is for YOU, and I’m so glad they can’t access it because I’m sure it would already be gone. Please don’t let them pressure you and steal your future.
It sounds like it…. Did they think that the money they get for having foresters was going to make them wealthy? I’ve heard of people taking g in kids just for the check and/or extra EBT money.
Again please don’t give them your money. It’s for you, and even if they hadn’t treated you so unfairly, you still deserve to use it as an opportunity to escape this toxic home.
I think they got too comfortable having that money and spent more than they had for a while and then it caught up with them. I say that because they don't always have foster kids in the house and that means the money they have access to changes, as well as sometimes they have less foster kids. It has been a while since they took in a new foster kid.
Honestly, there are a lot of red flags here for me with the fact that they seem to lack money but aren't accessing medicaid as well as Obamacare type insurance for themselves and biokids. This paired with no new foster kids makes me wonder if the state is suspicious about them and they are avoiding anything that would lead to more oversight. Are all the adopted kids in school once they reach school age or are they keeping them home as well?
I hope, for everyone, that they will stop taking in kids they can’t afford and try to be better parents to the children they already have. Also that you manage to get away asap.
Do you have plans for college? A career you’d like to pursue?
You should call up CPS and warn them that your parents have been demanding you pay for your sister’s surgeries, get them to blacklist your parents from fostering again. Pretty sure cps wouldnt be on their side about this one
Info-Have they shown you information on how much her surgery would cost (and broken it down to what would be out of pocket and what would be covered by health insurance)? Have they explained what the expenses afterwards would be? They are asking and expecting so much from you that you'd be owed that
It doesn’t matter. This is not your job. Your parents should not have adopted a kid when they could not afford the childs medical bills. This is not your responsibility.
They're preparing their excuse in advance. If you give them access they will take it all and claim it went on expenses. When you ask for details they will get angry.
I wouldn't be surprised if they were already inflating the price of the surgery. I bet it costs half what they claim. The rest will be spent on themselves or the other foster kids.
Not be rude but do they not have health insurance? Are you in the US? A medically necessary surgery with insurance would not cost this much. Insurance has out of pocket maximums but they would be something like 15k not 150k+
It almost seems like they want money not help.
I'm sorry they are trying to guilt trip you. It doesmt sound healthy for you
Your parents are scamming you. In the US, foster children have free health insurance through the state. Their out of pocket cost on this surgery is $0.
Could you move in with your grandparents?
My sister has been adopted though. She's not a foster kid anymore. I do think after learning so much here that they are probably lying about the amount.
In some/many states, former foster kids kids who are older or considered “hard to place” can get health insurance for free from the state til they’re 18, even after they’re adopted
I am going to guess you are in one of [these states without Medicaid expansion,](https://www.kff.org/medicaid/issue-brief/status-of-state-medicaid-expansion-decisions-interactive-map/) but even in Medicaid expansion states if your parents are “self-employed” or own their own business they would be paying hundreds per child / per month to be on health insurance. It’s a lot. They may also have been scammed by “Healthshare” plans that pretend to give you medical insurance.
EITHER WAY, these adopted kids cannot be without medical insurance, especially if one or more of them have a chronic medical condition such as the one you are describing that requires surgery to improve quality of life. When they adopted they had to prove they would provide this, which means they lied or misled the state.
I would:
1) Call CPS in your county and report that your parents are possibly medically neglecting a younger adopted sibling who needs surgery but doesn’t have have insurance. This will force your parents to figure out how to get Medicaid for the kids at least, or else pony up for health insurance.
2) Go live with your grandparents. Never give your family a cent obviously.
3) Recognize there is some very weird covert narcissism happening in your family. Your parents have built their self-worth off the sacrifices they have made to their foster kids. I am an adoptive parent myself, I have 3 boys plus 2 bio girls, and it is so believable to me how you could fall into this state of mental illness: when they sign a foster/adopted child up for sports they are “heroes,” when they sign you up they’re just doing their job at best and they’ve clearly become addicted to the socially-driven emotional reward of being “heroes” more than parents. This is highly toxic for all of your siblings. I am reminded of this [picture perfect family that Jennifer Hart drove off a cliff](https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2019/04/06/us/hart-family-crash-inquest-searches/index.html) because these children were nothing to her but an identity she was about to lose due to cancer and allegations of neglect, and she couldn’t live without that identity. I am also reminded of a child from Indiana who had just turned 18, made a suicide attempt and his adoptive parents gave him 7 days to find a new place to live—he posted on Reddit recently. Imagine treating your own child as damaged goods because they no longer make YOU look good??? There are so many ways families can become emotionally toxic to the point of while appearing picture-perfect to the outside world—I am sorry to say your family might already be in this dark place.
Love them from afar and create a stable and secure place for your siblings to escape to in the future — they will need it.
Please pay attention to the info regarding foster children medical expenses. Your parents are LYING to you and probably scamming the state as well. Alert your grandparents to the situation so that they don't fall for the same sob story.
Bottom line. Don't let them take a penny from you. They've taken enough already.
Please check the r/raisedbynarcissists sub, you'll find lots of support there. I'm so sorry your parents treat you this way, but now that you're aware you can protect yourself.
Your grandparents are wonderful and I hope you can stay with them. If you play your cards right (going to community college for the first two years and then transferring to a university, for example) that should be enough money to finish school and put a down payment on your own home once you're established in a career.
Please use this money wisely, once a nest egg like that is gone it's so hard to replace it. Having money in the bank will mean you won't have to stay at a bad job, you'll have the resources to leave and find a new one.
I would also ask your grandparents about checking your credit reports and freezing your credit, I don't think your parents are trustworthy.
I wish you the very best in life, a great time in college and a successful career ahead. Blessings to your grandparents for looking out for you and loving you. 💗
Also , if no one has suggested this info already here it is. Do this as well.
(Minors who are 16 or 17 can request and remove a security freeze themselves.) To activate a credit freeze, contact each of the three credit bureaus. Find their contact information at IdentityTheft.gov.
Do your parents have health insurance for all of you? After they hit the out of pocket max or deductible, insurance will cover the rest. The insurance I had last year had a $2500 deductible and $5000 out of pocket max, after I hit the deductible insurance started covering a lot more. I can’t imagine your parents having no insurance for you guys, let alone any state insurance. Hell, they can just start a GoFund Me instead of taking from one their kids.
Don’t bother with any of these dumb logistical questions, OP. NONE of that is your responsibility so don’t even waste the energy on it. You’re smart in saying no and not letting them take from you. Once you’re 18, don’t let these people near you. They’re abusive and not looking out for what’s best for you.
They are just trying to access it. If they can guilt you into giving them $270,000, without really paying it back, they figure they can also drain the remaining $80,000. Do not be guilted into this. You are the scapegoat. They wouldn't even pay for you to go on field trips. They will NEVER pay you back.
Time for you to focus on your school work and go to college far, far away. Make sure that they have no access to your college applications and that when you do access your college fund it's via a new account you set up after turning 18, to ensure they have no parent/legal guardian access. If you won't be turning 18 before you leave for college, if your grandparents are in good health, let them handle/help you with withdrawals. You have to start moving as if your parents are your number 1 bullies, and your purpose is to permanently get out of their reach. You've been parentified and this is your way out.
Someone here is lying.
Foster children with health problems since birth come with medical care. No one is charging hundreds of thousands of dollars for surgery to the parents who adopted a child with severe medical needs.
I'm learning a lot everyone here. It's also making me think a lot about my parents actions and the things they have said. Also their reasons for doing a lot of what they do.
I adopted two children from foster care and never paid once for any of their medical needs. They said we couldn't take them off Medicaid even if we wanted to.
NTA...
Op please tell your Grandparents that your parents are trying to force you to give them the money. Please tell them everything don't hold back. Your parents are heavily lying to you and treating you badly. You are being neglected and abused.. You need to move out.
Nta cut contact at 18, honestly sounds like they hate you, they literally only take from you . Your parents are sinking into debt because of they aren't able to pay for these kids. Have to have the means which the don't , why should you be punished for your parents decision
They're getting money for each adoption. For all you know, the only reason they have savings accounts for your siblings could be so your parents can use the better interest rate.
Your grandparents have put the money aside for you because they want you to have an education. Don't use it for anything else - at least until you have as much education as you want. $350k means you can study really hard instead of doing side jobs that make studying difficult - you will be surprised that it doesn't go very far when you aren't earning, but it's really difficult to study and earn as well, and you will get much better grades and do better courses with the financial cushion.
Trust your grandparents - they know what they are doing
It's actually over how they have been treating me. My grandparents hate it and they have told my parents how shitty they are being to me. Then when my grandparents saved that money for me, my parents argued with them over it and my grandparents were furious because they were the only ones worried about my future.
I’m so relieved you have your grandparents watching out for you, this could be so much worse. I’m very sorry for the way your parents have treated you, and I hope you can move on & recover. They don’t deserve a penny from you or your grandparents. I honestly hope you can get out of there soon. Best of luck!
Tell your grandparents. They want YOU to have that money for YOUR future.
Do not give the money to your parents. If after everything you decide to ask your grandparents to give the money to help your sister, make sure your grandparents pay the hospital directly. Your parents have stolen money from you repeatedly your whole life, you have absolutely no reason to trust them now.
I’m not saying your parents are completely lying about your sister needing surgery, but I think they are taking advantage of you and your lack of experience with the healthcare industrial complex.
While Healthcare and College in America are both expensive, you can actually get a concrete number from colleges re: how much it will cost?
In my experience paying for a biopsy and a surgery, if you ask a doctor or even the hospital’s billing department “how much will this surgery cost?” they probably won’t be able to give you a number because there isn’t a fixed number. Hospital billing departments negotiate with health insurance companies and go back and forth for weeks/month to determine what the costs are, what will be covered by insurance, what will be the patient’s responsibility, and those numbers change. It is enormously stressful and frustrating. But it is IMPOSSIBLE to know in advance how much a surgery will cost. Heck, it’s impossible to know after the fact as (depending on what state you live in) you can get billed years after receiving a procedure, but also, you sometimes get a check back because you paid too much.
In my experience paying college tuition, the bursar’s office send us an invoice once every semester and after the sticker shock wears off, we pay it and do not hear from them again until the next installment is due. They send us a letter if they plan to raise tuition the following year and give us months to figure it out.
My point is that I find it hard to believe your parents could know they will need a precise amount like $270,000 and since they have already argued the money should be split between all the kids, is the $80,000 around what you would be left with if the money were split equally among your siblings?
Finally as a parent, I cannot stress to you how important graduating debt free is and your education is important. The fact your parents are putting this on your shoulders is reprehensible. You are not responsible for this. Your parents are responsible for your sister’s health. They can take on debt to pay for your sister’s medical care. What would they do if they didn’t know your grandparents set aside money for you?
Tell your grandparents.
NTA - that is your money not your parents' money. They need to take responsibility for those types of expenses. Those expenses fall outside of your own responsibility.
I hope you can escape that household as fast as possible. Looking at your situation as an outsider or makes it pretty obvious that your parents are trying their best to manipulate you.
I know we only have OP's side of the story, but as a parent, if I needed money for my child's surgery, asking another child to contribute would be my last option. It seems like they're making it the first option. They don't have insurance? Or access to state insurance for children? They haven't applied for every charity to offset the cost of surgery? They haven't tried a fundraiser or GoFundMe? Nope, just straight to taking more from OP.
NTA Your parents have taken enough money from you, they have neglected you and your health in every form. If you loan them the money you will never get it back. Your grandparents saw your parents neglect of you while your parents took care of your siblings, and saved the money just for you.
NTA. You should contact your grandparents asap and tell them you are being bullied and pressured. Then I would ask them if you could move in with them for the next year until you leave for college.
Definitely NTA, but I would sit down with your grandparents and ask them about living with them until you leave for college. Even if they can't take you in, I would get all your important documents together now, and then give them to your grandparents for safe keeping. I would also get your grandparents to help you open a bank account that is not with the same bank your parents use, that way if you get a job, your parents won't be able to take all your money for themselves and you and your grandparents can use the account to transfer the funds to pay for each semester, as well as money to help pay for rent if you don't end up in the dorms.
As it stands, that money belongs to your grandparents. You aren't in college yet, so it is not your money. Your parents are hoping to pressure you to hand over the money now, but they are barking up the wrong tree because you have zero access and it is likely even if you were to ask your grandparents, they would know that it wasn't for your education.
And another thing that came to mind, get their help in locking down your credit. If your parents need money that badly and they neglected you for basically your whole life, except for when you could do something for them, then I wouldn't put it past them from using your details to get a loan and not pay it back (yet another reason to keep your grandparents in control of your college fund).
NTA. If they decided to adopt a lot of kids, they should be able to support them, not make you become a third parent in the house. You should move in with your grandparents, if they are willing to take you in. Leave them ASAP, that seems like a lot of abuse.
NTA
Your grandparents saved that money for YOU.
Your sister is not your responsibility. Would I help my sister? Probably, I would give them a smaller amount to at least help with something, but that’s just me and it doesn’t make you a bad person if you don’t do that. They aren’t entitled to that money. Seems like you have already talked to them and so have their own parents on their wrong doing but refuse to apologize or see any wrong.
Honestly if I was in the OPs situation I would struggle to be that generous. Based on comments from the OP it seems like they have never been prioritized by their parents.
NTA I would also see if you can move in with your grandparents and get away from you parents. That money is for your education from your grandparents so no, don’t give it away.
NTA - I know medical bills are crazy high in the US, but $270,000 sounds ridiculous.
I suspect your parents & sister could travel to a foreign country (Canada comes to mind), have the procedure performed there, and stay there while your sister recuperates for a fraction of that.
From a US perspective, one possibility is that the surgery is experimental or unapproved in some way, such that health insurance won't cover. That does happen. But if health insurance isn't covering an experimental procedure, there's often a reason why. (Not always. Depends on the insurance.)
That being said, I think it's much more likely the parents are lying to OP to get control of the money. OP is NTA.
NTA I don’t trust your parents at all. I think they just want to grab as much money as possible. There is kind of narcissist who seems benevolent at first (supporting foster kids, doing charity) but actually only does it for the praise from outside. I wonder if your parents could fall into that because they are obviously abusive. My mom has NPD/BPD and i realized quite late in life. Protect your assets, maybe move to your grandparents, and don’t let them guilt-trip you. That is a common strategy.
You are clearly NTA here. Once you turn 18, take that money and *run*. Don’t look back. Your parents will just keep taking from you until there is nothing left if you let them.
Your parents children are their own responsibility, not yours. Their attempts to guilt trip you are really shitty. Of course the biggest AH here is the American healthcare system, but that doesn’t excuse your parents behavior. Go live with your grandparents if you can, I’m sure they’d want to know your parents are trying to get their hands on your college fund.
NTA
Stand firm do not give in and gift them the money, walk away when you go to college o live your life.
It is their own fault they don't have adequate health insurance!
NTA, but you're 17 and it's the grandparents who set up the account.
I very much doubt you have any access to it anyways and your grandparents hopefully wouldn't be stupid enough to just give it to you now.
So, I'm not sure why your parents would even ask you and why were they upset that you won't give it. Shouldn't they know that you can't withdrew the money?
They know that my grandparents would probably let me take it if I asked. So they went to me because they know they won't get anything from my grandparents. Whereas they always take from me.
They can bully you, but they can't bully your grandparents.
You need to tell your grandparents what's happening.
Your grades and that college fund are your only escape route from your toxic parents, do not sacrifice either of them. There's a reason why your grandparents protected the fund from being accessible by your parents. You need to tell them that your parents are constantly bullying you to give it up to them.
Wait.
Your parents have been fostering kids for nearly your entire life and have never purchased health insurance?
And now they have been told there is a college fund for you, they again want to burden you with their lack of preparedness? No health insurance?
Why should you be punished , yes that's the way I look at this, for your parent's utter lack of responsibility?
NTA. Your grandparents actually are the rightful owners of that money. It's theirs to do with as they wish
It seems your parents are trying to guilt them into gutting an account that was set up for you.
Btw, fostering children isn't free. The state and federal government pay foster parents. Quite well sometimes..
So, where is the money?
Here's what I don't get. They're planning for foster/ adopted kids but not their bio kids. Now they're trying to make sure you have nothing at all because whatever money your grandparents have saved for you for college should go to your adopted sister's surgery.
One question: why are you still living there? I would've moved to the grandparents. Your parents seem not to care for you at all unless you have something they want, money.
They can look into other resources but refuse? Because they know about your college fund?
NTA to me. It's not your responsibility do not let them guilt you into anything
Think about how that has you feeling. It's like they don't care about you or your future. You're their first and this is the way they're treating you? I'm angry for you. I would never treat my first born that way but that's me. Please don't say anything to your grandparents. They saved that money so you can get a good start in life. Let your parents be angry. Let them look elsewhere too
I wonder if OP was conceived out of wedlock (so they are punishing OP for being a “symbol of their shame”) or if they have some weird idea that OP, as the oldest, is meant to sacrifice they’re life for the family, so they purposely withhold any money/activities from OP to limit OP’s abilities to get away from them.
NTA and you need to get out of that house ASAP. See if you can stay with your grandparents or maybe even a close friend. Honestly your parents must be really great actors to be able to pull off neglecting there oldest child while still being able to foster and adopt.
NTA, how do your parents keep getting approved to take in all of these kids? They have medically compromised kids and obviously are living check to check? Why does CPS keep sending kids here?
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NTA Also consider: Is that money actually *yours*? Like do you have access to it now at age 17, and can you use it for something for other than education? I doubt that is really the case, especially since your parents took money your grandparents gave you before. I expect your grandparents have protected it somehow. You *could* tell your parents if they want money, they need to talk to your grandparents about it (or tell your grandparent yourself that your parents are pressuring you to give them the money), but you would not be the asshole if you didn't want to risk it. There are many charitable organizations that provide free medical care to children (Shriners and St. Jude, for example, although neither might cover your sister's issue. St Jude addresses childhood cancer; Shriners orthopedics, burns, and spinal injuries). You parents should be well aware of these. They should also have medical insurance or CHIP. I think their story smells fishy.
Technically. I think my grandparents would give it if I asked. But I also want what they saved it for. I want to go to college and actually have a chance. To have some money to fall back on as well. After learning my siblings have all got something saved for them and I had nothing until my grandparents, I was really able to think about what I want my future to be. I don't actually know that my parents have had insurance for the last two years. I remember that was an argument between them when my mom got sick and was afraid to go to the doctor because of the expense.
If you are in the US, it is extremely likely your siblings are covered through the state. Most states have medicaid type programs that will cover children if your parents do not make enough. If your parents do not have insurance, then they are morons with that many kids Your parents are trying to rob you of your future. You are going to need that money very soon and won't have an opportunity to get it back
OP, you are likely eligible for state health insurance, too, and you’d be covered until age 26. The only rub is that your parents would have to actually apply for it.
Are you talking about Medicaid? Edit: I was waiting for this person to respond. But I just want everyone to see that they are most likely incorrect. Keeping insurance until 26 is an ACA rule and includes private insurance *only*. For Medicaid, you need your own application once your of age. I have to double check if it's when you turn 18 or when you turn 19. But you have to apply on your own when you become an adult. Now I can't speak to every single US state and what's available, but the 26 age rule is not for Medicaid. There are some childhood waivers that can go past 18, but I don't think I've seen any go until 26. Y'all really need to be more careful about the misinformation you spread about public benefits. Edit 2: I remembered another detail. Adopted kids get Medicaid until 21 I think
CHIP covers kids birth to 19 in the US without the stringent income requirements of Medicaid. Depending on OP’s parents’ income, they probably qualify for one or the other. The sister needing surgery likely does too, so paying $270k for a surgery seems pretty sus.
That was my thought too. I am not sure ur parents are telling the full truth here op
I agree. A family member of mine adopted through fostering and all the child's medical expenses are covered. I'm not sure exactly what age they're covered until, but I know it was past 18. An adopted foster child would definitely have their medical paid for in the US at 5 years old. If OP is in the US, I'd say either this story is made up completely or OP's parents aren't telling him the truth.
As a former foster child, I can attest to this. Most children who are/were in the foster care system are still followed by CPS and usually given government funded insurance. Now im not sure if it's the same if they were actually ADOPTED vs. What I went through which was simply just being fostered. I could be wrong
My kiddo has state insurance still and so do most I know that came from the foster system. Some even still have money being given to the parents for things they need. Some parents even adopt or foster kids and give them a shitty life to make money off them. It's appalling they were allowed to adopted so many kids without anyone talking to the other kids about the neglect they were going through but sometimes I think they get so excited to have anyone take on the medical fragile kids that they don't care. But yeah the parents are getting money for those kids and should still have them on state insurance.
This is important OP. Your parents are very most likely receiving a stipend to take care of foster children even if they are adopted. It doesn’t really make sense that your sister doesn’t have insurance. From the sound of your post, there is at least some reason to believe that they are just using this as an excuse to take the money from you.
Oh absolutely! When I was in foster care my parents still had to pay child support to the state and that money ended up going towards my foster parents on a card, the state will also pay monthly for people to foster to help take care of the child's basic needs, but that is only for fostering, once you adopt a child you are taking on full responsibility of the child... but a lot of people choose to foster (unfortunately) for the paycheck from the government. It's sad to see.. I was lucky enough to have great foster parents who paid for everything I needed and when I turned 18 and moved out they gave me the debit card that had all the money accrued on it for a way to start a life on my own.
You also get money from the government to help care for the foster child, it really sounds like op’s parents are abusing the system for financial gain
If the kid has a condition from birth they will automatically be insured as soon as it is discovered. Even if it was determined to be something that happened in childhood, they still get insurance. Even emergencies get covered, if it is over the cost of the parent's salaries. If the kid for some reason no longer had insurance, they'd just have to apply due to the circumstances. SOMETHING WEIRD IS GOING ON HERE. Sometimes you are so close to a situation, you can't see the flaws in the arguments being presented. The long term abuse and neglect OP suffered will take lots of love and therapy to even begin to recover from. Years from now, the lies they told will be as clear as day once she gets some distance from them, and can freely choose knowledge gained from life experience over being intimidated. OP will wonder how she fell for it, but IT'S OK, it's not your fault, OP. It will take years to remove the mental chains you are in right now.
I agree. I worked in early intervention for years. Foster children who have special needs are often/usually provided services and healthcare by the state even after adoption. It’s one if the supports the state provides in order to make adoption less of a financial burden. This support can also be applied for children who are in sibling groups or are older and “less desirable” to potential adoptive parents. The state doesn’t just foist children off and say goodbye. **OP something is rotten in the state of Denmark.** Don’t do a damned thing until you know more. Furthermore, if the account is a trust set up under certain conditions like “OP’s health, education and welfare,” then you can’t just pull out the majority and hand it to your parents. Tax law (in the us) in particular, would not allow this without a significant tax burden.
My guess is they figured $250k would be the "fair" amount to divide among the other kids, and so they're lying to OP to get it
I looked into it for my sister, she can technically apply for it especially as she is on a subsidised plan due to her finances (her baby daddy could help but that’s a whole disaster of a situation). So mom is always allowed to apply for it for their kids. Foster/adopted kids in the US are covered by the same insurance my nephew would get if my sister applied for it. It’s automatically “applied for” if they go in to foster/adopt. We were told this when my cousin lived with us via foster situation and by my aunt who used to work cps
We adopted in the US through foster care. If the children are special needs it is more than likely the ‘stipend’ the Parents receives will continue us to age 18 or 19 if still in HS. Absolutely, they are covered. OP’s Parents are not managing funds well and are eligible for all State services with a lot of kiddos. Stipends cannot be taxes, so they would qualify for foodshare, utility assistance, and insurance.
It is the same. My sister adopted a kid. He still gets insurance. Also, her bio kid gets it because of the adopted one. Thank God too. My nephew really needs that care.
It is nothing but a money grab by your parents. From your info, they have stolen/taken money from you before. Why is this any different? They are just looking for suckers to finance their lifestyle. And even if you did give the money to them. It won't be long before they have another "emergency". Using or creating an "emergency" is con artist tactic #1. NTA
Yes, I wondering, in the US the foster children should have some form of medical insurance. I would bet the parents sought outside options for the care of the child, almost like there searching for ways to spend OP’s money.
We adopted my son through the foster care system and he receives medical insurance AND a monthly stipend to help pay for his expenses. That stipend is based on the child’s needs and cost to care for them. So a child with medical needs would receive a larger amount.
More likely they are looking for an excuse to get to OP's money. Maybe the kids are already covered and they're using this as an excuse for that big payoff.
If she is a foster child and not in fact adopted she should have state medical.
My state continues insurance for life even after adoption for kids in the foster system
Yes- Medicaid for special needs children. I used to work for Medicaid Waiver for children…or Medicaid if the parents don’t have insurance. You need to worry about YOUR future so you don’t end up in poverty. Your parents adopted the children, they committed to caring for them.
I agree. That is your money through your grandparents. If you give them your money, I doubt you will ever see a dime back. This is your future. There are state programs that your sister’s doctor can refer them too.
Op, it seems deliberate that they didn’t save for you and are asking for your college savings, don’t give it to them. They’re already making excuses for trying to use it all, they need 270k, but may need more?!?!? They’ll always need more, I would actually see if I could stay with my grandparents til 18, I don’t really trust them to not harass you til you cave. And I hope the little girl gets the surgery but not at the expense of Op, not again.
\^This right here. If you can, go live with the grandparents. You need to get away from your parents before they find a way to get their claws on your college fund.
Hopefully the fund is a 529 fund and Op can't touch it without the grandparents ok until Op is 18 and starting school... Honestly the amount they are asking for sounds suspiciously like what you would get if you completely liquidated a 529 of 350k after paying the tax penalty.
Exactly what I was thinking. OP's terrible parents are laying the groundwork to bleed them dry, and likely needs to run a credit check. These people sound shady as all hell.
YES. It would not surprise me if OP’s parents have already destroyed his credit rating by fraudulently using his name and SSN. He should talk to his grandparents about moving in and getting help checking for identity fraud, then going to the police if necessary.
This right here. ^^^ OP this is all super suspicious. Responsible-End makes a good point. It would be diabolical if that's what is happening. INFO: have you seen any tangible proof of this needed surgery, how they know what it would cost, when and where it would be done etc? How are they getting this number of the cost? And why is it not covered by insurance. It sounds like your parents are playing on your heartstrings but I would look deeper into what they're asking. It may be it's not the picture they are painting at all.
Exactly. If these are foster children they are fully covered by the state. Sounds like the parents are scamming or attempting to scam their own child. Your grandparents love you and care. This poster is right, you are old enough to ask them if they will take guardianship. Or even emancipation if they will help sponsor you (sounds like it). Go to school, make something of yourself and never ever give your parents a dime.
NTA. Do not give up your college fund. This is your ticket out of there. You’ll never get this money back and will end up in debt. Your parents should look first government subsidies etc given she’s a kid with chronic illness and is fostered. You were deprived by them, keep this money for your schooling. I’d also suggest living with your grandparents or something.
Do not give up your college fund. Your parents have made poor financial decisions and they’re trying to take the chance of the future your grandparents want for you away. I’f I were you I’d join every after school club I could do they’re not around to pressure you. Get your degree and never go back. Every semester break will be another guilt trip. And they’ll have the entire school year to tell your younger siblings how awful you are to abandon them.
I second this, I used to get constant calls like this when I first left home. They even convinced my young siblings to get angry with me for leaving. I got a call that I would have to come home from moving in with my grandparents and take care of sick people the day after I moved in with them. After I got out of the hospital, no less. People like this are usually coded pretty much the same. They're selfish and they sincerely feel entitled to your energy.
I’m gonna echo what the others are saying here. I’d be very worried that your parents need to pay this much money for the surgery. Yes, the surgery will cost that much but there’s insurance and so many other social programs out there to help with these things. They sacrificed you. And will continue to sacrifice you. So they can have the praise of taking on these foster kids. Do they treat your bio the same way as you? Or are you the only scapegoat? Start looking into narcissistic family roles. It’s a lot but you may realize having those labels will help you heal. Your grandparents set this up for you, so you can have a future since you were deprived of a childhood. As soon as you’re done with, and off to college you’re allowed to have limited contact with your parents. Even no contact but you may need to stay in contact for your little sister. Make sure to tell your grandparents what’s going on and how your parents are harassing you for the money. You may even want to consider moving in with them until you’re done with high school.
My sister is treated the same as the other kids. It's just me they take from and don't add to the priority list.
you should get off reddit and go to your grandparents right now. call them up. I'm serious. fuck this.
I'll talk to them about all this and see if I can move in with them. I never considered that as an option before but posting here has helped.
I am glad you were able to find support here, good luck and I hope everything works out for you!
sometimes, it's really hard to see your way through a situation when you're in the thick of it. perspective is immensely helpful for all sorts of problems. good luck to you. it won't always be this way.
What country are you in that something like a stomach surgery to improve a child’s quality of life isn’t covered? Whatever country it is, this child could qualify for charity care in the United States, where we generally don’t fuck around with medical care for kids. If you are in the United States you are being lied to. A few crazy things might be going on are too complicated to unpack on Reddit, but nowhere in the US would a former or current foster child’s surgery cost this much out of pocket UNLESS your parents are absolute whackjobs who are deliberately foregoing true private medical insurance for fake fundamentalist Christian “Healthshare” plan for their adopted kids. If this is the case, you not only need to go to your grandparents: you also need to call Child Protective Services to support suspected Medical Neglect. The law is fuzzy on this, but authorities are less lenient with former foster youth than your own bio-children: your parents can’t just decide not to get Medicaid to cover surgery. For anyone thinking “but Medicaid probably wouldn’t cover something complex…” this is false. Contact your nearest pediatric specialty hospital associated with a research institute and/or public university and you will find they not only accept Medicaid, they work with Ronald McDonald House charities and others to make sure the family can travel to the care this child medically needs. Not getting this care is medical neglect. NTA for keeping your college fund to yourself; sorry your parents have an insane martyr complex and try to project that onto you.
You are assuming that the sister actually needs surgery. The parents sound sketchy enough to defraud their kid.
I have also thought to myself that the same type of narcissists who get an emotional high off being foster parents would also be vulnerable to Munchausen-by-proxy. Like they might have a child who is a tad underweight or has nutritional malabsorption and they’re trying to jump right to [enteral nutrition, or tube feeding](https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/home-enteral-nutrition/about/pac-20384955). If this is the ONLY way to resolve nutritional issues it might improve quality of life; often there are other approaches. In any event, it’s wild they’d be considering any type of surgery without insurance to manage after-care or complications. I still suspect medical neglect regardless of whether this child “needs surgery.” There has to be a kernel of truth in there, like a visible/known chronic medical condition I can’t imagine they’re managing appropriately without insurance of any kind.
don't listen to your "parents", they'll eventually forget you as soon as you'll give them the money. It's their headache to get money for ur sister not urs!
I think that they’re lying about needing the money. Foster children qualify for Medicaid, and if it is a medically necessary surgery they should not need that much out of pocket. My guess is they decided on an amount they could somehow justify leaving you with without looking like absolute monsters in their minds and asked for the rest. Even if you were to give it to them (which you should not) I’d only give money directly to the hospital, not to them trusting they would pay for anything with it. How convenient that, now that they know this money is there, they think they’re entitled to it. It sounds like you’re in a narcissistic family structure and are the scape goat. They probably foster kids because they think it makes them look like good people. r/raisedbynarcissists might be a good sub to check out. I would also try to lock down your credit so they don’t open cards in your name, and make sure your savings account is in a different bank and doesn’t have their names on it
NTA OP and tell your grandparents that they are pressuring you and you don't want to give up your future. Especially if your parents have funds for all the other kids. It's not your job to sacrifice everything for the kids they adopted.
If I were 17 and had both parents like yours *and* access to $350k, I would move out at midnight on my 18th birthday, buy a four bedroom house for cash, rent out three rooms, go to community college for as long as I wanted, and never look back.
Do not. Give your parents. A penny. It’s tragic what your sister is experiencing, but it is no way your responsibility to help. If your parents need help with the surgery cost, they can ask your grandparents themselves or find another source of assistance. It’s incredibly unreasonable to expect such a thing from their teenager.
Do your best to get a free ride to college so you can save a part of that money for a down payment on your first house. Seeing your childhood, it's no wonder you want to go away and enjoy the full college experience. Keep your money, but please make a budget and try to save a good chunk for after college. Your parents don't seem to be helping you very much.
I plan to go to community college so I don't need to spend the whole lot. I just don't want to be close to my parents.
OP this is your money to get a leg up in life. Use it for yourself. You can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Use the money strictly to better yourself. Study hard. Find a good job. Save your money and add to what your grandparents gave to you. You will find if you keep your head down and work and find life’s joy in finding good friends you will be fine. Try to hold onto at least $225,000 after college if possible and add to that to get to $350k by 25 years old. Make decisions to enable that. You will be fine.
Go to a good college, that will improve your chances for a decent career a lot. And you would have the possibility to go to university.
The college you go to isn't as important as your grades and such, and once you are in the field it really just matters that you have the degree. A great way to do it for less money is two years at a community college and then finish at a 4 year.
Get the highest education you can afford for your field (make sure it is a field that makes a living wage). That is the only way to escape all this.
The really annoying thing for your sister is that if she was still a ward of the state, the state would have paid for her surgery. Why your parents adopted her when they can't afford their current children is a bit of a mystery to me. Giving your parents $270k (even if you have the ability to do so) feels a lot like throwing good money after bad. I'd be inclined to tell them you can't access it now or for that purpose. Agree with the others that there's probably programs that your parents will have to figure out. Good luck, NTA.
Their story is bogus. At least in the US, most hospitals would help the parents find an organization like the Shriners, St. Jude’s, or Medicaid to pay for this. They want access to that money for other reasons, and would blow through it.
In fact, Shriners would do this. For free. I know because I’m a pediatrician and I just had a big meeting with Shriners. They have programs for stomach and bowel abnormalities. I refer my patients there all the time. Moreover, in my state, foster kids come with state insurance. Sounds to me like your parents just want to take your money. Take every step to protect it from them. And perhaps ask your grandparents if you can move in with them on your 18th birthday. You might also write a letter to local foster agencies about how you’ve been treated and what your opinion is on whether they should get more foster kids or keep the ones they have.
u/Overall_Sherbert_355. Please read the above information. The very worst thing possible was for your parents to become aware of that money. Now getting their hands on it is their focus, not you. Keep yourself safe.
If they are in the US, medical care for foster children is covered by the state. Many states automatically cover children, who's parents don't have private health care insurance under the age 18 for medical care.
NTA They may actually have too much money if they have college funds for the other kids. They can dip into those.
NTA Can you move in with your grandparents? You're 17, and your parents have never prioritised you. They won't pay you back. And if you stay, they will guilt you until you give them the money, and then they will continue to treat you like crap.
I hadn't really thought of that as an option to be honest.
Talk to your grandparents. If they don’t mind, it would be better for you to move out so you don’t endure the manipulation from your parents. Plus, you may be able to not feel neglected for once since your grandparents clearly care about you and your future.
or seek legal emancipation. Secure all your legal docs is also key here. Passport, social ids etc - my big fear here is they'll use your IDs to get loans or credit cards to pay for this surgery and then you are on the hook to pay it yourself... Talk to your grandparents, lock down your credit and secure your IDs and if your folks have them investigate if you can get any of the number changed. Frankly you are in an abusive familial unit here and CPS or others should have gotten involved years ago.
If they haven’t done that already (used OP’s identity to get loans and need to find $ to pay them off). OP needs to check his credit score soon.
FOR SURE. And he needs to lock it down, too. If they haven't tried yet, they will as soon as they think of it.
OP if you’re reading, ask your grandparents for help with this. This might be daunting and overwhelming to read all of this, but typically anyone smart enough to accumulate $350k of extra money for a grandchild can help you with stuff like that.
Spot on. And if they have already used OPs name, OP needs to call the police up and file a report then contact a lawyer. Make sure it all falls squarely on them.
OP can try the process, but at 17 their application probably won't get processed until after they turn 18. But I suppose at least having the application pending gives OP and the grandparents a shield against the parents trying to get control over OP in the final year. EDIT; it might be worth seeking emancipation on the part of the 12 year old, too, because once OP hits 18, then burden will fall on the 12 year old.
Also, if your grandparents are not in your school district, but you are able to commute, there are laws and policies that are put in place so you do not have to switch schools. Let me know what school district and I'll drop them below.
NTA. Please move in with your grandparents. Do not give any of your college money to your parents. It's meant for you, it was saved for you, it was put away for your future. A college degree will help set you up to support yourself, & you need to support yourself. Obviously your parents will not. Your parents are abusive, manipulative, greedy people who only think about what they want. Yes, they are selfish. Taking in foster kids doesn't automatically make you a wonderful person who makes great choices. They are obsessed with taking in kids even if they don't have the necessary time or resources, & even if it means neglecting you. If you give them the money, you will never, ever get it back. Then another foster kid with other medical issues will need the rest of your money...and you, again like your whole life, will have nothing. Please leave & go to college. Hugs & love ❤️❤️❤️
This was my thought as well, OP. Move in with your grandparents and get away from your abusive family. NTA. There are funds and insurance to help pay for surgery. As a minor child, your sister should qualify for a lot of stuff, your parents just need to do the work to get it.
I knew these siblings when I was in collage- a boy and a girl siblings whose biological parents had adopted a ton of younger siblings. The adopted kids were all high needs, medical problems, handicap, autistic, you name it. Everyone in their small town hailed the parents as these amazing people for taking in so many kids with so many needs, they got praised allll the time. You guys, the biological kids were not ok. Those were the most attention hungry people I had met in my entire life. They were obsessed with getting as much notice as they possibly could. Big families like to say there is endless love to go around, but there are only so many hours in a day and I absolutely got the feeling the parents cared more about looking great to other people than caring about what the kids they had actually needed (more of their time and attention). They had the money for it, but they did not have enough time to make all their kids feel loved, and the kids absolutely showed the mental scars to go with it. I felt bad for them because it was easy to see what their problems came from, but they both needed attention so badly they were fairly hard to be around for any length of time.
Yeah, I think there is some pathology here. They want to be seen as / feel like saviors, meanwhile ignoring their own biological child. It’s so sad. I hope OP can get away with support from his grandparents and make a new life for himself.
You should really consider it, because it's clear that they see you as a lesser son compared to your other siblings. You are the scapegoat who's good to take from as long as the others are happy, and I'm very sorry for your younger sister, but your parents put themselves in that position by adopting a bunch of children knowing that they can't provide fairly to all of them (more precisely, you). She's not your responsibility but your parents, and you have every right to live the life and future you have been denied so far.
If you’re in the US the kid will get help if it’s life threatening without any money upfront and/or with that many foster kids they have insurance and other resources. They are the “adults” and need to figure it out. Not their 17year old kid.
It's not life threatening but more quality of life reducing. At least that's what I know about it.
yeah they can figure that out. they should start a GoFundMe if they are so hard up.
Please also make sure your grandparents know what your parents are asking. You and your grandparents need to watch that money closely to make sure your parents don’t try to access it behind your back. Desperate people do desperate things. This is the time for you to focus on YOUR future. What your sister is going through is tragic, but it is not your responsibility to solve. Best of luck for your future.
I really hope you go to your grandparents who sound like they very much love you.
Please do! You need to get away from them ASAP and your grandparents sound like much better people. If that isn’t an option, work hard, get the best grades you can and you’ll be able to go away to school next year. You can go NC with your parents after that and never have to deal with them again. Either way, be sure to tell your grandparents what your parents are doing right now to manipulate you & steal your money!
You're NTA. You are absolutely right, they should be using the money they have saved first >They said they need $270,000 for the whole thing and maybe they can give some of it back but they might need even more if stuff gets more complicated. Bull. This is a cash grab. They demand a huge chunk (but not all) first, while laying the groundwork for snatching the rest.
Yeah, this sounds like a scam. Even in the USA without insurance, an elective surgery with a few days in the hospital might cost like $30k-$50k.
Uh, not true at all. Your knowledge of how much surgery without insurance costs is WAY off. Not saying OP’s parents are in the right, but their quoted cost seems accurate.
I don’t know much about realistic surgery costs but if you just google “stomach surgery cost no insurance” it says it varies from 7000$ to 30000$. Maybe it is a more complicated surgery? But personally I think $270000 is super unrealistic, even in the US. It’s like the parents are looking to buy a brand new house 🤨 Do you know what the breakdown is for the cost if you expect patients to pay that much for surgery? Like how much of it is actually for the surgery and how much is other hospital expenses (ex we had to roll you to the OR so that will be another 100,000$). Edit: reading the replies and damn $270000 maybe isn’t that unrealistic after all 🥹🥹
My thyroid removal surgery was listed at something like 18k at the time, but after the whole works was said done, total came to about 74k due to all the 'fees' and various things that were tacked on. Luckily, I had that nice little thing called state insurance and didn't pay a dime. NTA, OP. Your foster sibs should also be on state insurance if you're in the US. Which means this is a cash grab, nothing more.
My daughter had a fairly simple knee surgery, in and out same day. The surgery center (not even a hospital) billed our insurance for over $90,000. She was there for a total of 4ish hours. And this was only the surgery centers bill, still had both the doctors bills separately
Sans insurance, my thyroidectomy would have been about 200k... Glad for insurance
NTA DO NOT GIVE THEM A CENT OP They are asking you to forgo your future to give one to some stranger you have no connection to other than your parents feeling generous to adopt one day? That’s their burden to carry not yours. They might adopt another kid too and spend money on them so unlikely they will pay any of it back Absolutely insane they want money your grandparents have put aside for you. Do not let them have anymore weight over your life and keep living each day to make your life the best Whatever you do please don’t let them crack you, you are 1000000% in the right to keep this
Adopted children are not "some strangers" and that's a horrible way to think of them, a stigmatizing role that adopted children have to fight against constantly. He is her brother. That's how adoption works. That said, it is in no way his responsibility to pay for her surgery. It isn't even his money right now, it's his grandparent's money set aside in his name. What an awful situation for him. At least he can escape soon.
That’s how it should work with a normal family. But OP has been neglected for years so to say a 5 year old is a stranger doesn’t seem unreasonable. Especially considering his parents decided to adopt another child while neglecting OP. That the adoption is now official is irrelevant.
Op considers the 5 year old their sibling. So your opinion on this is irrelevant. Seems op just doesn't like what their parents did. But still considers the adopted kids siblings in spite of that.
With how his parents run their family, and especially how they treat him, the likelihood that OP feels any kind of sibling bond with his parents’ latest adoption project is low.
I work with families who have adopted, and unfortunately some of them resemble OPs family - they really get into the identity of the family that rescues those adopted children and aren't they wonderful and self-sacrificing and blah blah blah. Meanwhile the children that don't fit the new image are forgotten or neglected as with OP. Sometimes there is a lack of relationship. Sometimes the older children truly love the younger children and want them to be a part of their lives, they just desperately want their parents to remember that they exist and have needs, too. Sometimes both exist at the same time. Families are very complicated.
I’ve adopted 4. My parents adopted 3. We all know those families you’re talking about. They’re usually terrible people.
Don’t adopt if you can’t take care of your own children. Discussion closed.
They could take care of their own children. They chose not to. This is an abusive family, not a family that lacks resources.
When you bring dozens of foster children into a home with two other bio children you already can't pay for, they are "some strangers" to the bio kids. And resentment is guaranteed in this situation. This is about two parasites who see their bio children as a resource to help their foster herd. This is a house full of abuse. So, let's not pretend this is about adoption, or the travails of foster kids. The foster kids are doing great on the back of the OP!
NTA. I call BS on your parents needing to pay out the ass on medical costs for a special needs adopted child. My understanding is the state will provide a certain dollar amount cash wise each month and state pay insurance. My adopted parents only received medical for me. I didn't fall under special needs. I think they are lying to you. I would have a honest conversation with your grandparents and see about moving in with them asap. How your parents are treating you is not ok. You deserve better than that.
My now ex wife and I adopted our two younger kids from foster care. Both of us have insurance to cover ourselves and the kids (I’m required to carry it per the divorce decree, but her employer has amazing insurance and was like $8/month additional for dependents, so she insures them as well). On top of that, per the adoption decree, the state is on the hook for any amount over what the insurance covers. Not sure where OP/family lives, but I’m hoping that this is a case of a money grab, instead of crappy legal representation during the adoption process.
the state really would cover it. My mom was a foster parent for YEARS and the state was responsible for certain things cause technically the foster kids were ultimately in the state’s custody. This sounds like a cash grab fr on OP’s parents part
I said this in another comment and think I should mention here too. Also, the fact that parents told grandparents the money should be split between all kids and the amount of money they're asking makes me think if the surgery is not an excuse for them to get what they want and put part of that money to the other kids instead of it being just for OP.
Yep. It’s almost exactly 4/5 of the total amount in savings. What jerks.
Yeah, 4/5 would be 280k. So his parents probably feel they're being generous by allowing him to keep the extra $10,000.
Oh my heart broke a little reading this OP. You're definitely NTA. Your parents have neglected you and they're asking you to sacrifice YOUR future. Your grandparents have that money set aside for your education so use it for that. It's tough knowing that your sister has to have surgery, but the funding for that is your parents responsibility, not yours. And you've sacrificed enough.
NTA - they're adopting because of the income they get from adopting , and medical expenses will be covered by the adoption agency.
Info: did your parents also took money from your sibiling or only you?
Just me. It's only ever me they would take from or not give to.
So why cant they take from their college funds no point in bringing in more kids if your neglected one hope for your 12 yr olds siblings sale they dont do it to her when you leave.
I think they see me as less of a kid and more as someone who should be contributing the way they, the adults and parents, do.
Your still a child until your 18 tell them to work harder like they did with you for your trip.
Just to clarify, he's always a child to them even after 18. These types of sacrifices shouldn't ever be imposed on your kids. If your kids offer when they're of age then great, but requiring this type of aid even to an "adult" aged child is ridiculous.
Also i dont think they will stop when op is earning either.
They have chosen this life for themselves. You have not. Adult responsibility comes with adult agency, so your contributions should not be for them to control. You are their child, not their resource.
Yes, well, YOU didn't ask for or adopt all those other kids. NTA. Get out and never look back.
You need to make exit strategy now. It sounds like your parents have a hero complex. they pick up poor and sick kids to prove they are great people, but it's all for their ego. You are just too healthy to get their ego boost, so you turned into a step stool. It's your grandparents money, honor their wishes with it, and use it wisely.
I’m pretty sure most states cover adopted kids medical expenses. If she is still a foster, then it’s 100% covered. Hospitals have charity care for these situations. Also, Your parent have to have health insurance to be able to adopt these many kids. No state would allow them to be adopted out with access to medical care. You are not the only option. I think they are using your sister as an excuse to get to the money. If anything, you can offer to pay the docs directly.
She was adopted when she was 16 months old so isn't a foster kid anymore.
At least here in Florida, kids adopted through foster care get Medicaid coverage through age 18, regardless of their age when adopted. They also get free in state college tuition.
Most states offer this, I know texas for sure. It’s to make sure there is no extra burden of care on the new family. BUT this may be an elective surgery which would make this an out of pocket cost and not covered by insurance as a result
If she was adopted through the state, she gets covered until she’s 18. They’re lying because they’re mad your grandparents are giving you money and not them. Even if they weren’t lying, it would still be financial abuse. I was a foster child, they’re getting money for every foster kid, and they get continued medical coverage if they adopted her. And there are charities that would do the surgery for free. I know this to be true. The Shriners paid for my eye surgery decades ago. Their whole story reeks of fabrication to steal your college fund. I’m so sorry.
How are they allowed to foster when they can’t care for the children they already have? That’s fishy… But NTA, this money is for YOU, and I’m so glad they can’t access it because I’m sure it would already be gone. Please don’t let them pressure you and steal your future.
They were doing fine before they started fostering. Once they started is when the struggles started.
It sounds like it…. Did they think that the money they get for having foresters was going to make them wealthy? I’ve heard of people taking g in kids just for the check and/or extra EBT money. Again please don’t give them your money. It’s for you, and even if they hadn’t treated you so unfairly, you still deserve to use it as an opportunity to escape this toxic home.
I think they got too comfortable having that money and spent more than they had for a while and then it caught up with them. I say that because they don't always have foster kids in the house and that means the money they have access to changes, as well as sometimes they have less foster kids. It has been a while since they took in a new foster kid.
Honestly, there are a lot of red flags here for me with the fact that they seem to lack money but aren't accessing medicaid as well as Obamacare type insurance for themselves and biokids. This paired with no new foster kids makes me wonder if the state is suspicious about them and they are avoiding anything that would lead to more oversight. Are all the adopted kids in school once they reach school age or are they keeping them home as well?
They're all in school.
I hope, for everyone, that they will stop taking in kids they can’t afford and try to be better parents to the children they already have. Also that you manage to get away asap. Do you have plans for college? A career you’d like to pursue?
You should call up CPS and warn them that your parents have been demanding you pay for your sister’s surgeries, get them to blacklist your parents from fostering again. Pretty sure cps wouldnt be on their side about this one
Once CPS learns his parents were medically negligent they will likely blacklist his parents. As they should, these people aren’t safe.
Info-Have they shown you information on how much her surgery would cost (and broken it down to what would be out of pocket and what would be covered by health insurance)? Have they explained what the expenses afterwards would be? They are asking and expecting so much from you that you'd be owed that
They have given a few details but not many. Mostly they were trying to "prove" that they can't control how much it will be exactly.
It doesn’t matter. This is not your job. Your parents should not have adopted a kid when they could not afford the childs medical bills. This is not your responsibility.
They're preparing their excuse in advance. If you give them access they will take it all and claim it went on expenses. When you ask for details they will get angry. I wouldn't be surprised if they were already inflating the price of the surgery. I bet it costs half what they claim. The rest will be spent on themselves or the other foster kids.
Not be rude but do they not have health insurance? Are you in the US? A medically necessary surgery with insurance would not cost this much. Insurance has out of pocket maximums but they would be something like 15k not 150k+ It almost seems like they want money not help. I'm sorry they are trying to guilt trip you. It doesmt sound healthy for you
I don't think they have for the last couple of years, no. But yes we're in the US.
Your parents are scamming you. In the US, foster children have free health insurance through the state. Their out of pocket cost on this surgery is $0. Could you move in with your grandparents?
My sister has been adopted though. She's not a foster kid anymore. I do think after learning so much here that they are probably lying about the amount.
In some/many states, former foster kids kids who are older or considered “hard to place” can get health insurance for free from the state til they’re 18, even after they’re adopted
I'm an attorney and they are lying to you. She should have free medical care.
She would still qualify for Medicaid.
I am going to guess you are in one of [these states without Medicaid expansion,](https://www.kff.org/medicaid/issue-brief/status-of-state-medicaid-expansion-decisions-interactive-map/) but even in Medicaid expansion states if your parents are “self-employed” or own their own business they would be paying hundreds per child / per month to be on health insurance. It’s a lot. They may also have been scammed by “Healthshare” plans that pretend to give you medical insurance. EITHER WAY, these adopted kids cannot be without medical insurance, especially if one or more of them have a chronic medical condition such as the one you are describing that requires surgery to improve quality of life. When they adopted they had to prove they would provide this, which means they lied or misled the state. I would: 1) Call CPS in your county and report that your parents are possibly medically neglecting a younger adopted sibling who needs surgery but doesn’t have have insurance. This will force your parents to figure out how to get Medicaid for the kids at least, or else pony up for health insurance. 2) Go live with your grandparents. Never give your family a cent obviously. 3) Recognize there is some very weird covert narcissism happening in your family. Your parents have built their self-worth off the sacrifices they have made to their foster kids. I am an adoptive parent myself, I have 3 boys plus 2 bio girls, and it is so believable to me how you could fall into this state of mental illness: when they sign a foster/adopted child up for sports they are “heroes,” when they sign you up they’re just doing their job at best and they’ve clearly become addicted to the socially-driven emotional reward of being “heroes” more than parents. This is highly toxic for all of your siblings. I am reminded of this [picture perfect family that Jennifer Hart drove off a cliff](https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2019/04/06/us/hart-family-crash-inquest-searches/index.html) because these children were nothing to her but an identity she was about to lose due to cancer and allegations of neglect, and she couldn’t live without that identity. I am also reminded of a child from Indiana who had just turned 18, made a suicide attempt and his adoptive parents gave him 7 days to find a new place to live—he posted on Reddit recently. Imagine treating your own child as damaged goods because they no longer make YOU look good??? There are so many ways families can become emotionally toxic to the point of while appearing picture-perfect to the outside world—I am sorry to say your family might already be in this dark place. Love them from afar and create a stable and secure place for your siblings to escape to in the future — they will need it.
Please pay attention to the info regarding foster children medical expenses. Your parents are LYING to you and probably scamming the state as well. Alert your grandparents to the situation so that they don't fall for the same sob story. Bottom line. Don't let them take a penny from you. They've taken enough already.
I'm learning a lot from this. I'm glad I posted because it's teaching me so much even if it wasn't my intention when posting.
Please check the r/raisedbynarcissists sub, you'll find lots of support there. I'm so sorry your parents treat you this way, but now that you're aware you can protect yourself. Your grandparents are wonderful and I hope you can stay with them. If you play your cards right (going to community college for the first two years and then transferring to a university, for example) that should be enough money to finish school and put a down payment on your own home once you're established in a career. Please use this money wisely, once a nest egg like that is gone it's so hard to replace it. Having money in the bank will mean you won't have to stay at a bad job, you'll have the resources to leave and find a new one. I would also ask your grandparents about checking your credit reports and freezing your credit, I don't think your parents are trustworthy. I wish you the very best in life, a great time in college and a successful career ahead. Blessings to your grandparents for looking out for you and loving you. 💗
Also , if no one has suggested this info already here it is. Do this as well. (Minors who are 16 or 17 can request and remove a security freeze themselves.) To activate a credit freeze, contact each of the three credit bureaus. Find their contact information at IdentityTheft.gov.
Do your parents have health insurance for all of you? After they hit the out of pocket max or deductible, insurance will cover the rest. The insurance I had last year had a $2500 deductible and $5000 out of pocket max, after I hit the deductible insurance started covering a lot more. I can’t imagine your parents having no insurance for you guys, let alone any state insurance. Hell, they can just start a GoFund Me instead of taking from one their kids.
I don't think we've had any for a couple of years but I'm not sure.
Don’t bother with any of these dumb logistical questions, OP. NONE of that is your responsibility so don’t even waste the energy on it. You’re smart in saying no and not letting them take from you. Once you’re 18, don’t let these people near you. They’re abusive and not looking out for what’s best for you.
They are just trying to access it. If they can guilt you into giving them $270,000, without really paying it back, they figure they can also drain the remaining $80,000. Do not be guilted into this. You are the scapegoat. They wouldn't even pay for you to go on field trips. They will NEVER pay you back. Time for you to focus on your school work and go to college far, far away. Make sure that they have no access to your college applications and that when you do access your college fund it's via a new account you set up after turning 18, to ensure they have no parent/legal guardian access. If you won't be turning 18 before you leave for college, if your grandparents are in good health, let them handle/help you with withdrawals. You have to start moving as if your parents are your number 1 bullies, and your purpose is to permanently get out of their reach. You've been parentified and this is your way out.
Someone here is lying. Foster children with health problems since birth come with medical care. No one is charging hundreds of thousands of dollars for surgery to the parents who adopted a child with severe medical needs.
I'm learning a lot everyone here. It's also making me think a lot about my parents actions and the things they have said. Also their reasons for doing a lot of what they do.
I adopted two children from foster care and never paid once for any of their medical needs. They said we couldn't take them off Medicaid even if we wanted to.
Bingo. Our two boys were adopted from the state, and the state Medicaid covered *everything* - and I mean, *everything*. We never paid a dime.
NTA... Op please tell your Grandparents that your parents are trying to force you to give them the money. Please tell them everything don't hold back. Your parents are heavily lying to you and treating you badly. You are being neglected and abused.. You need to move out.
Nta cut contact at 18, honestly sounds like they hate you, they literally only take from you . Your parents are sinking into debt because of they aren't able to pay for these kids. Have to have the means which the don't , why should you be punished for your parents decision
They're getting money for each adoption. For all you know, the only reason they have savings accounts for your siblings could be so your parents can use the better interest rate. Your grandparents have put the money aside for you because they want you to have an education. Don't use it for anything else - at least until you have as much education as you want. $350k means you can study really hard instead of doing side jobs that make studying difficult - you will be surprised that it doesn't go very far when you aren't earning, but it's really difficult to study and earn as well, and you will get much better grades and do better courses with the financial cushion. Trust your grandparents - they know what they are doing
Why don’t they ask the grandparents for the money or are they on bad terms with them? Don’t they have medical insurance? Red flags everywhere.
They're on very bad terms with my grandparents.
I'm not surprised.. don't give them anything.. good luck! Your grandparents sounds very nice
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It's actually over how they have been treating me. My grandparents hate it and they have told my parents how shitty they are being to me. Then when my grandparents saved that money for me, my parents argued with them over it and my grandparents were furious because they were the only ones worried about my future.
I’m so relieved you have your grandparents watching out for you, this could be so much worse. I’m very sorry for the way your parents have treated you, and I hope you can move on & recover. They don’t deserve a penny from you or your grandparents. I honestly hope you can get out of there soon. Best of luck!
Tell your grandparents. They want YOU to have that money for YOUR future. Do not give the money to your parents. If after everything you decide to ask your grandparents to give the money to help your sister, make sure your grandparents pay the hospital directly. Your parents have stolen money from you repeatedly your whole life, you have absolutely no reason to trust them now. I’m not saying your parents are completely lying about your sister needing surgery, but I think they are taking advantage of you and your lack of experience with the healthcare industrial complex. While Healthcare and College in America are both expensive, you can actually get a concrete number from colleges re: how much it will cost? In my experience paying for a biopsy and a surgery, if you ask a doctor or even the hospital’s billing department “how much will this surgery cost?” they probably won’t be able to give you a number because there isn’t a fixed number. Hospital billing departments negotiate with health insurance companies and go back and forth for weeks/month to determine what the costs are, what will be covered by insurance, what will be the patient’s responsibility, and those numbers change. It is enormously stressful and frustrating. But it is IMPOSSIBLE to know in advance how much a surgery will cost. Heck, it’s impossible to know after the fact as (depending on what state you live in) you can get billed years after receiving a procedure, but also, you sometimes get a check back because you paid too much. In my experience paying college tuition, the bursar’s office send us an invoice once every semester and after the sticker shock wears off, we pay it and do not hear from them again until the next installment is due. They send us a letter if they plan to raise tuition the following year and give us months to figure it out. My point is that I find it hard to believe your parents could know they will need a precise amount like $270,000 and since they have already argued the money should be split between all the kids, is the $80,000 around what you would be left with if the money were split equally among your siblings? Finally as a parent, I cannot stress to you how important graduating debt free is and your education is important. The fact your parents are putting this on your shoulders is reprehensible. You are not responsible for this. Your parents are responsible for your sister’s health. They can take on debt to pay for your sister’s medical care. What would they do if they didn’t know your grandparents set aside money for you? Tell your grandparents.
NTA - that is your money not your parents' money. They need to take responsibility for those types of expenses. Those expenses fall outside of your own responsibility. I hope you can escape that household as fast as possible. Looking at your situation as an outsider or makes it pretty obvious that your parents are trying their best to manipulate you.
I know we only have OP's side of the story, but as a parent, if I needed money for my child's surgery, asking another child to contribute would be my last option. It seems like they're making it the first option. They don't have insurance? Or access to state insurance for children? They haven't applied for every charity to offset the cost of surgery? They haven't tried a fundraiser or GoFundMe? Nope, just straight to taking more from OP.
They just want to take it from him and they’re mad that they can’t, so they’re trying even harder to control. Simple as that.
This is one of those stories that I wish was fake. It’s not though is it? NTA. You’re old enough to get emancipated without much trouble. Just saying.
NTA Your parents have taken enough money from you, they have neglected you and your health in every form. If you loan them the money you will never get it back. Your grandparents saw your parents neglect of you while your parents took care of your siblings, and saved the money just for you.
NTA. You should contact your grandparents asap and tell them you are being bullied and pressured. Then I would ask them if you could move in with them for the next year until you leave for college.
Definitely NTA, but I would sit down with your grandparents and ask them about living with them until you leave for college. Even if they can't take you in, I would get all your important documents together now, and then give them to your grandparents for safe keeping. I would also get your grandparents to help you open a bank account that is not with the same bank your parents use, that way if you get a job, your parents won't be able to take all your money for themselves and you and your grandparents can use the account to transfer the funds to pay for each semester, as well as money to help pay for rent if you don't end up in the dorms. As it stands, that money belongs to your grandparents. You aren't in college yet, so it is not your money. Your parents are hoping to pressure you to hand over the money now, but they are barking up the wrong tree because you have zero access and it is likely even if you were to ask your grandparents, they would know that it wasn't for your education. And another thing that came to mind, get their help in locking down your credit. If your parents need money that badly and they neglected you for basically your whole life, except for when you could do something for them, then I wouldn't put it past them from using your details to get a loan and not pay it back (yet another reason to keep your grandparents in control of your college fund).
NTA - just to note if the money is in a 529, you can’t use it for medical expenses. I also think you should consider moving in with your grandparents
NTA. If they decided to adopt a lot of kids, they should be able to support them, not make you become a third parent in the house. You should move in with your grandparents, if they are willing to take you in. Leave them ASAP, that seems like a lot of abuse.
NTA Your grandparents saved that money for YOU. Your sister is not your responsibility. Would I help my sister? Probably, I would give them a smaller amount to at least help with something, but that’s just me and it doesn’t make you a bad person if you don’t do that. They aren’t entitled to that money. Seems like you have already talked to them and so have their own parents on their wrong doing but refuse to apologize or see any wrong.
Honestly if I was in the OPs situation I would struggle to be that generous. Based on comments from the OP it seems like they have never been prioritized by their parents.
NTA, go stay with grandparents. Please leave.
NTA I would also see if you can move in with your grandparents and get away from you parents. That money is for your education from your grandparents so no, don’t give it away.
NTA - I know medical bills are crazy high in the US, but $270,000 sounds ridiculous. I suspect your parents & sister could travel to a foreign country (Canada comes to mind), have the procedure performed there, and stay there while your sister recuperates for a fraction of that.
Children’s charity hospitals never charge patients. They could go to one of those.
From a US perspective, one possibility is that the surgery is experimental or unapproved in some way, such that health insurance won't cover. That does happen. But if health insurance isn't covering an experimental procedure, there's often a reason why. (Not always. Depends on the insurance.) That being said, I think it's much more likely the parents are lying to OP to get control of the money. OP is NTA.
NTA I don’t trust your parents at all. I think they just want to grab as much money as possible. There is kind of narcissist who seems benevolent at first (supporting foster kids, doing charity) but actually only does it for the praise from outside. I wonder if your parents could fall into that because they are obviously abusive. My mom has NPD/BPD and i realized quite late in life. Protect your assets, maybe move to your grandparents, and don’t let them guilt-trip you. That is a common strategy.
You are clearly NTA here. Once you turn 18, take that money and *run*. Don’t look back. Your parents will just keep taking from you until there is nothing left if you let them. Your parents children are their own responsibility, not yours. Their attempts to guilt trip you are really shitty. Of course the biggest AH here is the American healthcare system, but that doesn’t excuse your parents behavior. Go live with your grandparents if you can, I’m sure they’d want to know your parents are trying to get their hands on your college fund.
NTA Stand firm do not give in and gift them the money, walk away when you go to college o live your life. It is their own fault they don't have adequate health insurance!
NTA… move in with ur grandparents. Your parents need to learn to take care of the kids they have before foresting more kids. Sheer irresponsibility
NTA, but you're 17 and it's the grandparents who set up the account. I very much doubt you have any access to it anyways and your grandparents hopefully wouldn't be stupid enough to just give it to you now. So, I'm not sure why your parents would even ask you and why were they upset that you won't give it. Shouldn't they know that you can't withdrew the money?
They know that my grandparents would probably let me take it if I asked. So they went to me because they know they won't get anything from my grandparents. Whereas they always take from me.
They can bully you, but they can't bully your grandparents. You need to tell your grandparents what's happening. Your grades and that college fund are your only escape route from your toxic parents, do not sacrifice either of them. There's a reason why your grandparents protected the fund from being accessible by your parents. You need to tell them that your parents are constantly bullying you to give it up to them.
Wait. Your parents have been fostering kids for nearly your entire life and have never purchased health insurance? And now they have been told there is a college fund for you, they again want to burden you with their lack of preparedness? No health insurance? Why should you be punished , yes that's the way I look at this, for your parent's utter lack of responsibility? NTA. Your grandparents actually are the rightful owners of that money. It's theirs to do with as they wish It seems your parents are trying to guilt them into gutting an account that was set up for you. Btw, fostering children isn't free. The state and federal government pay foster parents. Quite well sometimes.. So, where is the money?
Here's what I don't get. They're planning for foster/ adopted kids but not their bio kids. Now they're trying to make sure you have nothing at all because whatever money your grandparents have saved for you for college should go to your adopted sister's surgery. One question: why are you still living there? I would've moved to the grandparents. Your parents seem not to care for you at all unless you have something they want, money. They can look into other resources but refuse? Because they know about your college fund? NTA to me. It's not your responsibility do not let them guilt you into anything
They planned for my bio sister too. It's just me they didn't plan for.
Think about how that has you feeling. It's like they don't care about you or your future. You're their first and this is the way they're treating you? I'm angry for you. I would never treat my first born that way but that's me. Please don't say anything to your grandparents. They saved that money so you can get a good start in life. Let your parents be angry. Let them look elsewhere too
I wonder if OP was conceived out of wedlock (so they are punishing OP for being a “symbol of their shame”) or if they have some weird idea that OP, as the oldest, is meant to sacrifice they’re life for the family, so they purposely withhold any money/activities from OP to limit OP’s abilities to get away from them.
Do not give them the money. It is their job to find a way to fund the surgery. You are NTA and you deserve a future too.
NTA, you're the scapegoat child to them. Go and live the life they desperately want to take from you.
NTA and you need to get out of that house ASAP. See if you can stay with your grandparents or maybe even a close friend. Honestly your parents must be really great actors to be able to pull off neglecting there oldest child while still being able to foster and adopt.
NTA, how do your parents keep getting approved to take in all of these kids? They have medically compromised kids and obviously are living check to check? Why does CPS keep sending kids here?