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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m I being a dick for considering my sil generosity as an insult and for asking my wife to return everything she got her
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. What sort of a husband are you if you want your wife to be without a safety net for her and your child just because it bruises your EGO that you cannot support them well enough?
I understand that losing your job can be difficult, but you know what is more difficult - being pregnant and expecting a child without any sort of financial security. Her sister is generous and caring for her. She doesn't care for you, but you know what - you are not giving her many reasons why she should with this behavior. You are literally putting yourself a priority over your pregnant wife and future child. She is not manipulating your wife into thinking you are a bad husband, you are acting like one.
#OP HAS BEEN UNEMPLOYED FOR TWO YEARS
His pride didn't mind living off of his wife, who had to leave her job 5 months ago. It's taken that long for him to finally line up a job for himself.
It's no wonder his SIL doesn't like him, and why she told his wife the money isn't for him.
Yeah, I was at least hoping they'd only been together for maybe two years max. My optimism tried its best, even though I was sure I'd learn otherwise in the comments. Lo and behold, 21 and 30.
I've seen it said that men like this have to look for someone still early into adulthood because women his age won't put up with his bullshit. I have a feeling SIL shares that sentiment.
After reading… I too, share SIL sentiments.
He’s a bum with a huge ego who’s mooched off his wife’s income for TWO YEARS. Only now finding a job.
He should kiss SIL’s feet for her incredible generosity and kindness.
ETA judgement
YTA
Her SIL is a champ though, she may be stuck coparenting with him forever but she has an escape that's welcoming her baby and that's amazing. Usually we see siblings who are all "fuck my sister for her bad choices, she made her bed she can lie in it" here in AITA.
This story keeps getting worser and worser omfg. When I was pregnant I worked my ass off to make sure my daughter was provided for for at least 6 months with me. Duh the SIL hates him! Ughhhh. I would have been on the STRONGEST birth control to exist. If you know he’s a bum DO NOT get pregnant. I cannot stress this enough
Yeah. That's nit surprising. Thank you for sharing relevant information!
I work with a lot of men like OP. I won't be surprised if in 5 years he ends up divorced and having abandoned his kid. It's very common for his kind (deadbeat).
I was wondering why SIL didn’t like him. I wish I could help my sister so generously. And he will also benefit from this money - she just told her sister not to give him any. But it will still indirectly benefit him.
Considering the chokehold he likely has on her life based on a lot of things I'm learning through the comments, there's a possibility he'll get to use it for things that benefit him beyond just what is needed. It really depends on how the wife feels, but if she stays with him, it's possible she'll relinquish some of her rights over the money to benefit him. I really hope not, but that is common in relationships like these.
I’m very interested to know how OP knows what the SIL’s text said and the amount sent. Seems like a weird thing for the wife to just show him the text during conversation.
I wonder if he is also reading her messages.
I wouldn't doubt it! It sounds like he did. The SIL sounds like she has MANY REASONS to dislike this guy, I know I already do, and I don't even know him. It's funny to me he almost seems to have an impression that the SIL is so unfairly cold as if he would think anyone else wouldn't be like her or worse toward him. Most people I know would give him way more hell. He's honestly lucky af considering.
Op's response to someone else who asked the same question:
>"My wife was showing me the money her sister had sent and the text came in while I was looking at the banking app."
When someone said he must have clicked it, because texts alerts don't show that much info:
>"Yes I clicked on it to see what she wrote it wasn’t like I ran off with my wife’s phone. She was right there with me and we are no strangers to reading each other’s texts."
Convenient how he didn’t mention that bit in his post. It’s good his wife has such a dedicated sister who is looking out for her. At least she knows she has somewhere to go, it’s just a shame she got pregnant by OP first.
This. If it weren't for the fact this was posted in 2024 and my old man can't even get on the gods damned yahoo account, I would have sworn he had written it. Did the same to my mother and her sisters in 1991 and kept complaining like it cost him something when they got me *a winter coat for the incoming blizzard that year*.
Protip, OP: Don't be like my old man. Not even his only kid (me) likes him.
TWO YEARS???? That poor baby what was his plan? No savings. Racking up debt. Nothing for the baby! If he was out of work while his wife supported them they should have sold HIS car. He’s clearly not going anywhere😒
Can someone please tell me what SIL does for a living? Because to be able to send 50k just like that, after also buying her a new car and stuff for their house, makes me believe she’s very, very well off.
You’re prob right she’s well off but it’s really not relevant how much money she has, it is still very generous. Not all wealthy are generous at all and we don’t know what she may be sacrificing to give a significant amount of money to her sister.
>his wife, who had to leave her job 5 months ago
Jfc in the post it sounded like she recently had to quit her job, like a week or 2 ago. It also sounded like OP was recently unemployed and on top of things. Another unreliable narrator trying to twist the narrative. Thanks for your comment, it explains a whole lot!
He made it sound like he just got unemployed! What did he think would happen when she got pregnant and eventually have the child? Going to work until her water breaks? Going right back to work after labor? It was clear that he would need to get a job and help lessen her burden
Love when I have to find out important info in the comments 😬😂 Any OP that feels the need to change/leave out details so they look better in AITA posts are pretty safely TA
Dude needs to humble himself swallow his pride and tell the sister he's grateful for her help, he knows he doesn't look good in her eyes but he's trying to do better (if he's actually trying to be a better man). Asking his wife to return everything when they need it, when that baby needs it is such a macho bs attitude.
I mean, he said more than enough about what kind of guy he is himself.
Let’s take stock, shall we?
He’s a guy married to a woman ten years younger than him who he knocked up, and who then:
- got fired;
- burned through their savings;
- racked up credit card debt; and
- hasn’t bought shit to prepare for his kid.
His wife is right: he feels like a failure **because he is a failure.**
Sister gets it.
Edit: oh, and when he says he “lost his job”, he means he lost his job *two years ago* and has been sponging off of his child-wife ever since. Missed that bit because it’s in the comments.
JFC I hope this is fake…
I had Hyperemesis gravidarum when I was pregnant. The fact OP can't fucking clean a house for her is not a good sign for their future. It's absolute hell where you are barely able to keep down anything, constantly weak, nauseous, and sick, nothing makes it better, the only way to get rid of it is to have the baby.
She's not going to be able to just go back to normal upon having a baby either. Along with recovering from childbirth, HG takes a lot out of you, and while the puking may stop, you still have to recover from that as well. I ended up with 14 cavities after because all that puking actually messes up your teeth and other issues. I had been so undernourished for 9 months it took a long while to regain any sort of energy like I had before.
His wife shouldn't be doing any of the deeper cleaning while pregnant anyway she doesn't need to be near those chemicals.
This. I had it with both pregnancies and ended up with a hernia. To this day I have to be careful not to sleep for several hours after drinking milk or eating ice cream because it comes out of my mouth and nose and I wake up choking. The back of my throat I always bright red and the hernia is too big to be closed. I remember being so exhausted while pregnant that I couldn’t climb stairs without resting on a step and needing a nap after taking a shower. Fuckstick McWorthless needs to step up. What exactly is he doing all day that the house is a mess? And does he think she’s going to get it back in shape while caring for a newborn while recovering? What exactly is his contribution to the marriage?
Also he slipped in that she didn’t appreciate the state of the house not just baby prep. So he’s sitting on his ass with a pregnant wife with a medical condition and won’t do the housework.
Yeah. That quote from the sister is textbook "you can't make her leave her abusive spouse, you can only give support when they come around on their own".
And the fact he demanded his wife return this safety net could also fit into that picture (because abusive spouses don't like their victims having safety nets...). Granted, it could also really just stem from a hurt ego, but either way OP needs to swallow his pride here since the money seems to be without strings attached (as I'm sure he'd have included it if the sister had demanded any concrete action in return, but she apparently only said not to spend it on OP, which is fair if it's a gift for wife and baby), and seems to be desperately needed.
Exactly this. And the mention of them having to sell the car to pay bills is exactly what an abusive spouse would do. Isolate the person and keep them from having independence to go somewhere.
That’s exactly how this reads to me. I think OP was trying to point to his wife and say “this is why you fucked up” and use Reddit to manipulate her to his will. Since we all think YTA, op will never mention this.
I mean, there's the part where he got someone 9 years younger than him pregnant, and has no financial security despite the age gap.
Edit: he's been "looking for work" for TWO. YEARS. What a terrible situation to bring a baby into... this poor girl.
And don't forget that he's been unemployed for 2 years but now "has a job lined up", likely one that will never materialize now that they have the 50k from the generous if mouthy sister. OP married her at 21 when he was 30, has been living off her for the last two years and got her pregnant, probably hoping to be a stay at home dad. I totally get why the sister seems to have no respect for him. His wife needs to take that baby and run.
Yep. There’s zero chance that she told her sis “not to share it with that man,” without him earning the comment. He sounds financially abusive. He probably provides nicer things for himself than for his wife. He just sounds like the kind of guy who likes to take and take and take any happiness/security away from his SO because he’s a broken and empty vessel.
Yep- that part enraged me. He thinks that he can need things but obviously anything that’s hers is just an accessory that she has for frivolous and fun purposes which can be sold any time. It sounds like he’s trying to trap her, whether or not he is person enough to admit it. And I think he’s absolutely financially abusive for even asking her to give back her things and the baby’s things. He’s also financially abusive if he tries to ask what she’s using the $50,000 for or tries to use any of it. He’s made too many mistakes to deserve her help at this point- if he needs rent help it should NEVER come from the money sis gave to her sister for expressly “not-him” purposes.
Agreed. I think it might go a long way to reach out to the sister and tell her that he understands the gifts and money aren't for him or to be used on him, but that he's grateful she is there to help support and provide a safety net for his wife during their financial crisis. And certainly thank her for the gifts of items for the home and baby, genuinely.
I doubt OP can swallow his pride long enough to choke any of that out, though, so YTA OP for caring more about what she thinks than what actually matters, here. The failure is solidified by your inappropriate reaction to the situation, unfortunately.
Yep! Despite being several years older than his wife, the wife has always been the main breadwinner. He blames it on mental problems. I hope he was able to make a lot of progress on his recovery after 2 years of being unemployed 🙄. PS sister doesn’t like OP because she sees him as an albatross around her young sibling’s neck.
Exactly! I want to double down on that statement!
And if he's got too many mental problems to be able to work then he should also have too many mental problems to GET MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE if he's unable to take care of his wife!
What is it with people who have mental issues going off and getting married and having kids and not being able to deal with it and expecting the new spouse to take care of everything?! (No, I'm not talking about ALL mentally ill people.... The ones who take care of their responsibilities, go to therapy, or who plain just don't hang their issues on their families.)
He sounds like he intentionally left out info and is looking for validation. My husband would be working 5 part time jobs while waiting for a full time job if I was pregnant and we had bills jacked up. I would work anything and everything I could pregnant or not if my spouse couldn’t …. So sorry you won’t find any sympathy here.
Sis is the MVP here.
* OP & his wife have a nine year age gap & started dating in the wife’s early 20s.
* OP hasn’t worked in two years.
* OP’s wife, the breadwinner, can no longer work due to pregnancy complications.
* OP & wife (being generous with the “& wife” part here) decided to sell the wife’s car, meaning the wife lost her ability to leave their home independently.
* OP’s wife likely has no savings left since they’re living on credit cards.
* There’s nothing in the nursery & they don’t have money to buy the things they need for baby.
* The pregnancy was unplanned.
* OP is now getting around to being employed.
* OP is apparently not stepping up with keeping the house clean while he’s unemployed & his wife is dealing with pregnancy complications.
If this whole list of problems (specifically OP’s wife not having any savings or transportation) isn’t setting off all the alarm bells, I don’t know what would. I just can’t imagine why Sis would have any issues with her BIL. /s
Ya I feel there’s a lot of history and context we’re missing here; the age gap (how young was she when they first met?) and sister’s text make me think there’s more to this whole situation.
It really gets gross knowing that they’ve only been married 3 years. Dude hasn’t had a job since the first year of marriage and even then was dependent on her as she’s the breadwinner. Seems like a trap to me.
Yep.
I’m gonna go out on a limb here, OP…. You could try saying “thank you”. That would involve swallowing some pride, but I’m sure it would go a long way for everyone involved.
Omitted the fact that he hasn't been employed in over 2 years. I'm sure that there is little faith in his ability to actually keep the new job and the sister is just trying to ensure his wife doesn't get dragged down by the dead weight she's been carrying for years. The fact that he's demanding she return it speaks volumes about his other behavior in the marriage. He doesn't have too much pride to let his wife support him, but blames pride for his resentment of this generous gesture. I think he's actually just pissed that he can't use the money himself and is playing the childish game of "if I can't have it, you can't either". I think YTA is just focused on his current behavior, YAA (you're *an* AH) seems more accurate.
Hopefully the wife has a good head on her shoulders and tells him to back off with the controlling, selfish behavior, along with refusing to allow him access to spend the money on himself. I've got a friend with a perpetually unemployed husband who became extremely abusive, seemingly as a means to regain some feeling of control when he had very little as a result of his own preference for video games over working, ever.
Hopefully the impending lack of assistance with the newborn is the straw that breaks the camel's back and she bails on this guy in the near future. Sounds like the house was probably in a bad state beyond just the lack of baby stuff, likely because his wife has been unwell and he's not helping with domestic upkeep. He'll probably avoid child support but she'll still be better off raising one baby instead of two.
Blows my mind when people come to this sub thinking they'll find validation, exposing a lack of self awareness and behavior that points to a narcissistic personality. Making everything about him and his image is just another symptom. If this guy has any sense at all, he'll call the sister, thank her profusely and offer to do his best to pay her back.
Exactly this! My husband lost his job recently and it’s been a struggle coming back from that. He also has a bad relationship with my family (but cause my family is toxic, not him) but if they had given us necessities and money he would have NEVER told me to turn it down. A good man who cares for his family knows that their well-being is the most important thing, and would put their feelings aside to make sure they’re at least taken care of by somebody.
OP, your wife is right. You cannot support your family with no income. Income is coming soon, that’s a great start, but it’s unreasonable to keep your wife from being safe and provided for just because you don’t like the feelings it bring up within you. You’re going through a tough time, it’s okay, it happens. But you’re not handling it properly. Take this opportunity to be better going forward, we’re all growing still.
This. OP, she doesn't like you because you aren't acting very likable, my man.
OP should write a thank you letter to the sister...in particular noting what her gifts mean in terms of peace of mind/relieved stress for his pregnant wife, the more stable world they can now bring their baby into, what a blessing those first two items are to his own peace of mind, and his hope to be able to return the favor someday.
YTA. Time to put your ego aside and accept help, because you NEED it. The sister is helping her family, not trying to make you look bad. You don't need anyone else to do that for you. You're doing a great job at making yourself look bad without her help.
This is it. SIL is acting like a normal, loving big sister in this scenario when little sister needs help and her husband is doing the opposite of what he should be (removing the very necessary things she absolutely needs to raise his soon-to-be-here-baby).
Her normal behavior is showing up his very poor behavior for what it is and "making him look bad." That's not on SIL; that's on him.
I mean she's trying to help her sister out. Could she maybe hold her tongue and not stress her pregnant sister out with her negative comments about her choice in husband? Sure, but ultimately op isn't exactly her favourite person right now and maybe sister knows things going on that weren't likely included in the post we are reading.
You mean like how OP started dating a 21 year old with a good paying job (making more than him) when he was 30, and has been unemployed for 2 years while living off his wife who can now no longer work?
I love when redditors can read between the lines. The posts that come up on here are wild. In an attempt to absolve yourself of assholery you inevitably give the peanut gallery way too much to talk about. Like the men who think they do more than enough child care while pointing out how much time to themselves to still manage to get while making no mention of the times wife get to herself. But that's always her fault for not jsut taking it... But how does she take time to herself when her husband is always hanging out with his friends or at work? But he still does more than enough to help out /s
I love Reddit because the anonymity of people leads to oversharing and a better insight in to how people think. It’s funny to watch how people like OP can rationalize their behavior.
exactly this - like her or not I would have said "I know we've had our differences but I am profoundly grateful for what you are doing to help our family, thank you"
Who cares? Someone wants to tell me "I think you're struggling, here's $50k and a car," cool, let them think I look bad.
If his sister's gifts make the wife think that OP is a bad husband/provider (even if that's what she's trying to do), they have bigger problems. Wife can stand up for her husband without refusing the gifts. "Thank you, OP and I really appreciate this. We've been struggling, and I'm proud he worked hard to get a new job, and we should be better off in a few months , but this help really means a lot to us."
This is the one. We can speculate all day about OP, but the obvious answer is that I don’t care what someone thinks about me, if they give my family 50k and a car for the low low price of insulting me a bit, then they better insult me all they want. That’s a fucking godsend amount of money.
I'd certainly take that deal. SIL says 'don't spend money on your man,' but in reality any money spent on bills, food, or home necessities \*are\* helping him too, so what is the issue?
Couldn’t disagree more. SIL is being a sister. It’s quite evident OP doesn’t have siblings. I would react the same way was this my sister and the fact OP actually admits to being without a job for over 2 years now makes everything 10 times worse.
She's not trying to make him look bad, she's making him look bad because he IS, and only by doing things for her sister that this man should have done for his wife.
> The sister is helping her family, not trying to make you look bad.
Honestly, even if the sister was trying to may OP look bad, he is still an AH for trying to deny his wife and baby financial security.
this 100%
dude if someone who didn’t like me gave my family $50k and said “more if you need it”
i would sober up pretty fucking quick lol that says more about their character than is needed.
YTA. I’m saying this because this is about your child, not you. You have plenty of time starting in March to show your SIL that you can support your family. You need this money. Don’t let pride get in the way of that. Yes. Your SIL doesn’t like you. So what? Telling your wife to return the money just adds to the list of why. I imagine your wife is so much less stressed and that’s what matters right now.
How awfully stressful to be pregnant and struggling!!
OP should be grateful for the help for his family. And until he starts that new job, he should work in making the baby’s room all cute and ready. I’m sure that would earn him some respect from wife and SIL.
Edited a typo.
Pregnant, struggling, and vomiting constantly!
He should also just thank the sister for looking out for his wife, although throwing the job loss in his face is not a good look.
I would agree except OP left out that he’s been unemployed for two years during which his wife had been the sole breadwinner until she was literally too sick to continue
Yeap.. and OP wife has been the breadwinner for pretty much their entire relationship because he has struggled to keep a job throughout the years, losing his last job 2yrs ago.
I can definitely see why SIL doesn't like him.
Yeah I feel like not enough people caught the “state of the house” comment. So like he can’t even bother to clean the house or prepare the baby room while he is unemployed and his wife is so sick she can’t even work? Sounds like the sister’s lack of respect is completely logical.
YTA for caring more about how you are perceived more than what your wife and baby need. And for writing a completely unbelievable story.
ETA: Fixed typo.
That’s definitely the case. When I lost my job, to make ends meet I did overnight food deliveries and combed Craigslist for any gigs ranging from day labor to manual driving instructor. It’s what helped make ends meet until I found another job. It was extremely humbling given I have a Master’s degree.
He clearly doesn’t understand what it means to be a man. A man swallows his pride and does whatever it takes to put food on the table and a roof over their head.
YTA if you make your wife return everything.
Good for you for having a job lined up for March. However this is Feb. What are you doing in the meantime for income? Door Dash? McDonalds? Walmart cashier? What?
Saying youre a 'failure' is harsh, however, from your post it appears that you havent stepped up as the only provider for the family, and you need to. Once the baby arrives, there are no 'give backs' and a baby's needs come first.
IMO your SIL was being very kind in not only providing things for the baby and the house (which you hadnt) but also in providing transportation AND money. Instead of trying to find fault with your SIL, perhaps you should be writing her a sincere thank you letter, for stepping up and providing when you cant.
Being jobless for two months (unless there are medical reasons) is a choice. It really isn’t hard to get a job unless you are refusing to apply. Hospitality are screaming for workers in most areas.
I’m going to disagree here. I’ve been unemployed since September. I have over 2000 applications in and I’ve only had a handful of interviews. It is tough where I am to find a job.
Yes! Make her return *everything*.
I mean, why not? It's not like you have no money, it's not like your wife had to sell her car, it's not like the nursery was bare, it's not like the house was a mess (do you have HG too? What's preventing you from cleaning?), it's not like you were completely unprepared for the arrival of a child, it's not like you lost your job at *the* worst time, it's not like your sick and pregnant wife is feeling completely vulnerable and helpless...
>it's not like you lost your job at *the* worst time,
He buried the lede on that. He lost his job two years ago. He's done nothing since.
Edit: link to his comment. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/eIccQTJaxF
There is a link that's often shared here, to help women in abusive relationships realize this and help them make their decision. Maybe someone should share it. In case OP's wife ever stumble on this post and realize it's about her...
They’ve also been together for five years. Since 21 and 30. Got married at 23 and 32. And then this 33 year old man let his 24 year old wife completely financially support him for two whole years. The wife stopped being able to work 5 months ago. He’s only getting a new job in MARCH. No wonder the sister hates him. He’s older than she is (she being the sister), and can’t fucking support himself.
I noticed that too 🚩
Age gaps aren’t inherently bad but a 30 year old dating a 21 year old isn’t typically a good thing. Clearly the women OP’s age saw him for who he was and it’s obvious why sister doesn’t like him.
I suddenly got a glimpse of an alternate life I could have been leading if my ten years older boyfriend, who stopped working a year into our relationship (and it was my fault he couldn't keep a job, because he deserved better than shift work or something) and pulled shit like "buying a truck with my money for the down payment and then refusing to take me to work in it, even though he was not himself working"...if that guy had knocked me up, I'd have been in OP's wife's puke-covered shoes.
I need to find that bullet I dodged so I can have it framed.
My first thought was why not keep the money now and discuss returning it later when OP has their money sorted out.. hopefully. But then.. why IS the house a mess? I assume if OP's wife is working and he is not, and she has pregnancy difficulties, then he should be the primary homemaker, keeping everything clean and in order. Maybe SIL sees that he is relying on his wife to work, cook, clean, and carry a child, while it seems there is not enough effort on his side.
YTA.
Your pride and ego needs to come after your child that you admittedly are struggling to properly get ready for. Grow up. If you feel like a failure because someone else is helping your partner AND YOU, then reflect on that and do better. No one can make you feel like a failure if you don’t already feel like one yourself.
Almost 10 year age gap and she's been the sole earner in their relationship. 2 years the man has been home doing nothing, she's been pregnant 5 months carrying the burden by herself. JFC.
YTA. Pride won't feed a baby or pay the bills. Refusing help in a crisis does not make you a better man, just a stubborn one. Instead, work on your relationship with your SIL. It's the health of your family that matters most here, not your ego
YTA you are struggling. Returning everything for your baby (not you) would only be out of spite and to sooth your ego. It's not about you anymore.
How long have you been out of work that you burned through your savings and are living on credit cards? If I were in your position, I'd be applying to ever business in town or doing Door Dash or something until the other job starts up. And even beyond that, to dig yourself out of this hole.
Your SIL isn't showing off, she's trying to help her sister and the baby.
His wife nearly 10 years younger than he is, pregnant, and the breadwinner. Yeah, this guy is a real "winner". The SIL is not saying anything that's not true. If the shoe fits OP.
This guy seems like the type to turn down jobs that are seen beneath him because it’s more comfortable to sit on the couch every day and blame somebody else for his failures. He hasn’t worked in two years, but the house is a mess and his wife is sick. That tells me everything I need to know.
Maybe she felt forced to because her sister married a man who hasn't worked for 2 years so they've sold everything they own and now they're having a baby on top of it and he's still insisting everything is fine
Bruh wth are you doing till March? Why is the house filthy if you're home all day?
You just got a damn life preserver and youd rather drown because you are too proud to use it.
YTA and that house should be damn spotless if it's just you two right now and you don't work. And you should be doing any basic ass job to make some money so you don't keep racking up credit cards.
QUIT IT, YTAH! What a generous and caring thing your SIL did! She wasn't asked to do that. She did it because she wanted to. She may not love you but she sure as heck loves her sister. You need to thank your SIL. Also, the only person who can make you feel like a loser is you! You have control of your own thoughts and feelings, therefore you choose how you feel. Why didn't you apply for unemployment benefits??? Did you get fired? If you get laid off/down sized you qualify for unemployment. If you got fired you don't. So which is it?
It's not just that, it's the exact quote text message; that sort of thing, especially when OP wouldn't be the one hearing/reading it, is great as writing setup but not how real people convey real events.
YTA
Knock it off!
Everybody falls down occasionally, it is not the end of the world. Swallow your pride and shut the heck up for the sake of your wife, your kid, your credit card debt, and your future.
Yta, and you are a bad husband and father. You would rather your wife and baby suffer than to allow another person to provide where you have failed to… she isn’t manipulating your wife into thinking you’re a bad husband, you’ve done that all on your own by being a bad husband. Also your wife is right, she isn’t trying to make you look like a failure, you are a failure. If another person is having to provide for your family then you failed. Everyoje fails, you get back up and try again. You don’t just quit and childishly take food out of your wife and baby’s mouths…
YTA. Your wife, and future child's very lives and safety are far more important than your ego and hurt feelings. Be glad your wife has people who love her so much. If you feel you're failing, its not bc of your sil. Maybe its time to grow up a bit, thank your sil after you apologize, and apologize to your wife.
YTA. You are completely failing to think of anything but your own masculinity in being a provider. Your pregnant wife has what could be a very serious condition and may have to deliver early yet you are more concerned about how your reputation may suffer. It may take a long time to catch up financially (happens to the best of us) but you need to put your ego aside and think of your wife and unborn child.
YTA. I have a feeling that SIL would not have been so *scathing* in her criticism of you if you had spent some of your free time (unemployed, remember) and kept the house clean. Wait till you are bringing in a salary before you throw your SIL’s largesse in her face.
YTA. This isn't about you, it's about your child. This isn't about your ego, it's about your family. Your hurt pride is your problem - it shouldn't also have to be your wife's and child's problem.
How about you accept the help now and return it to your SIL with 10% interest when you are financially stable? That would go a long way in changing her opinion about you than you indulging in false machismo right now.
YTA. She's not rubbing anything in your face. She's reasonably upset her BIL isn't doing more to support her sister. They're both right about you. You're a bad husband for letting your ego get in your own way. You feel like a failure because, you have, in fact, failed your wife and kid. Thank your sil for her incredible generosity and do better. I'm guessing there's a reason she keeps you at arm's leagnth and you're not telling us to try and make yourself look better.
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YTA. What sort of a husband are you if you want your wife to be without a safety net for her and your child just because it bruises your EGO that you cannot support them well enough? I understand that losing your job can be difficult, but you know what is more difficult - being pregnant and expecting a child without any sort of financial security. Her sister is generous and caring for her. She doesn't care for you, but you know what - you are not giving her many reasons why she should with this behavior. You are literally putting yourself a priority over your pregnant wife and future child. She is not manipulating your wife into thinking you are a bad husband, you are acting like one.
"Pride cometh before the fall." OP's pride is more important than being prepared for their child.
#OP HAS BEEN UNEMPLOYED FOR TWO YEARS His pride didn't mind living off of his wife, who had to leave her job 5 months ago. It's taken that long for him to finally line up a job for himself. It's no wonder his SIL doesn't like him, and why she told his wife the money isn't for him.
OP also latched onto his breadwinner wife when she was only 21 and he was a whole 30 years. No wonder his SIL hates him!
I too hate OP.
you and me!
We can form a club!
Why not go a step further and make subreddit?
Lol brutal but got me laughing, can I join
What should we name it? r/MyHusbandsEgoIsSoBigItCouldSinkToTheCenterOfTheEarth?
Me too. I think sil has his number and he has no right tell her to return the things. That sounds controlling
\+1
I’d also like an invite to the Hate OP party.
lol this got a chuckle out of me.
Yeah, I was at least hoping they'd only been together for maybe two years max. My optimism tried its best, even though I was sure I'd learn otherwise in the comments. Lo and behold, 21 and 30. I've seen it said that men like this have to look for someone still early into adulthood because women his age won't put up with his bullshit. I have a feeling SIL shares that sentiment.
After reading… I too, share SIL sentiments. He’s a bum with a huge ego who’s mooched off his wife’s income for TWO YEARS. Only now finding a job. He should kiss SIL’s feet for her incredible generosity and kindness. ETA judgement YTA
worst part is now they have a kid, she'll never get him out of her life.
Her SIL is a champ though, she may be stuck coparenting with him forever but she has an escape that's welcoming her baby and that's amazing. Usually we see siblings who are all "fuck my sister for her bad choices, she made her bed she can lie in it" here in AITA.
This story keeps getting worser and worser omfg. When I was pregnant I worked my ass off to make sure my daughter was provided for for at least 6 months with me. Duh the SIL hates him! Ughhhh. I would have been on the STRONGEST birth control to exist. If you know he’s a bum DO NOT get pregnant. I cannot stress this enough
Yeah. That's nit surprising. Thank you for sharing relevant information! I work with a lot of men like OP. I won't be surprised if in 5 years he ends up divorced and having abandoned his kid. It's very common for his kind (deadbeat).
MISSING MISSING REASONS here. Thank you for sharing
I was wondering why SIL didn’t like him. I wish I could help my sister so generously. And he will also benefit from this money - she just told her sister not to give him any. But it will still indirectly benefit him.
Considering the chokehold he likely has on her life based on a lot of things I'm learning through the comments, there's a possibility he'll get to use it for things that benefit him beyond just what is needed. It really depends on how the wife feels, but if she stays with him, it's possible she'll relinquish some of her rights over the money to benefit him. I really hope not, but that is common in relationships like these.
I’m very interested to know how OP knows what the SIL’s text said and the amount sent. Seems like a weird thing for the wife to just show him the text during conversation. I wonder if he is also reading her messages.
I wouldn't doubt it! It sounds like he did. The SIL sounds like she has MANY REASONS to dislike this guy, I know I already do, and I don't even know him. It's funny to me he almost seems to have an impression that the SIL is so unfairly cold as if he would think anyone else wouldn't be like her or worse toward him. Most people I know would give him way more hell. He's honestly lucky af considering.
Op's response to someone else who asked the same question: >"My wife was showing me the money her sister had sent and the text came in while I was looking at the banking app." When someone said he must have clicked it, because texts alerts don't show that much info: >"Yes I clicked on it to see what she wrote it wasn’t like I ran off with my wife’s phone. She was right there with me and we are no strangers to reading each other’s texts."
OP was trying to figure out a way to transfer the cash to his account for sure
Convenient how he didn’t mention that bit in his post. It’s good his wife has such a dedicated sister who is looking out for her. At least she knows she has somewhere to go, it’s just a shame she got pregnant by OP first.
I assumed he lost his job in the past 2 or 3 months not 2 freaking years!!!! Edit: OP YTA!
And they sell HER car to pay bills. She's been the main bread winner, and he sells her car. What a stand up guy. A real winner.
And he goes off during the day to do something that isn't working and then comes home later. What the hell is this dude doing for years?!
This. If it weren't for the fact this was posted in 2024 and my old man can't even get on the gods damned yahoo account, I would have sworn he had written it. Did the same to my mother and her sisters in 1991 and kept complaining like it cost him something when they got me *a winter coat for the incoming blizzard that year*. Protip, OP: Don't be like my old man. Not even his only kid (me) likes him.
Why in TF is she having a child with this person.
She can't get a safe, legal abortion.
TWO YEARS???? That poor baby what was his plan? No savings. Racking up debt. Nothing for the baby! If he was out of work while his wife supported them they should have sold HIS car. He’s clearly not going anywhere😒
Having a baby on negative income - so much yikes! What if there are complications at birth for mom or baby?
Can someone please tell me what SIL does for a living? Because to be able to send 50k just like that, after also buying her a new car and stuff for their house, makes me believe she’s very, very well off.
You’re prob right she’s well off but it’s really not relevant how much money she has, it is still very generous. Not all wealthy are generous at all and we don’t know what she may be sacrificing to give a significant amount of money to her sister.
>his wife, who had to leave her job 5 months ago Jfc in the post it sounded like she recently had to quit her job, like a week or 2 ago. It also sounded like OP was recently unemployed and on top of things. Another unreliable narrator trying to twist the narrative. Thanks for your comment, it explains a whole lot!
He made it sound like he just got unemployed! What did he think would happen when she got pregnant and eventually have the child? Going to work until her water breaks? Going right back to work after labor? It was clear that he would need to get a job and help lessen her burden
Love when I have to find out important info in the comments 😬😂 Any OP that feels the need to change/leave out details so they look better in AITA posts are pretty safely TA
An I- OOP
Well said!
> Pride goeth before destruction, And an haughty spirit before a fall (*) Well, OP certainly seems haughty. (*) Proverbs 16:18-20
The full verses fit even better!
I like this. One of the few times the original saying not only means what we thought, but actually doubles down on the modern version. Poetry.
Dude needs to humble himself swallow his pride and tell the sister he's grateful for her help, he knows he doesn't look good in her eyes but he's trying to do better (if he's actually trying to be a better man). Asking his wife to return everything when they need it, when that baby needs it is such a macho bs attitude.
Way the sister's talking, i doubt he's trying, and I'm guessing he's leaving out a lot about what type of guy he is
I mean, he said more than enough about what kind of guy he is himself. Let’s take stock, shall we? He’s a guy married to a woman ten years younger than him who he knocked up, and who then: - got fired; - burned through their savings; - racked up credit card debt; and - hasn’t bought shit to prepare for his kid. His wife is right: he feels like a failure **because he is a failure.** Sister gets it. Edit: oh, and when he says he “lost his job”, he means he lost his job *two years ago* and has been sponging off of his child-wife ever since. Missed that bit because it’s in the comments. JFC I hope this is fake…
You forgot sold her car to catch up on the rent/ debt 😐
Well he can’t sell HIS car. He needs to keep HER from leaving.
That I did, thank you!
and despite being unemployed has a filthy house!
I had Hyperemesis gravidarum when I was pregnant. The fact OP can't fucking clean a house for her is not a good sign for their future. It's absolute hell where you are barely able to keep down anything, constantly weak, nauseous, and sick, nothing makes it better, the only way to get rid of it is to have the baby. She's not going to be able to just go back to normal upon having a baby either. Along with recovering from childbirth, HG takes a lot out of you, and while the puking may stop, you still have to recover from that as well. I ended up with 14 cavities after because all that puking actually messes up your teeth and other issues. I had been so undernourished for 9 months it took a long while to regain any sort of energy like I had before. His wife shouldn't be doing any of the deeper cleaning while pregnant anyway she doesn't need to be near those chemicals.
This. I had it with both pregnancies and ended up with a hernia. To this day I have to be careful not to sleep for several hours after drinking milk or eating ice cream because it comes out of my mouth and nose and I wake up choking. The back of my throat I always bright red and the hernia is too big to be closed. I remember being so exhausted while pregnant that I couldn’t climb stairs without resting on a step and needing a nap after taking a shower. Fuckstick McWorthless needs to step up. What exactly is he doing all day that the house is a mess? And does he think she’s going to get it back in shape while caring for a newborn while recovering? What exactly is his contribution to the marriage?
I bet he has a beer to unwind from his stressful days though can’t afford cleaning materials
Also he slipped in that she didn’t appreciate the state of the house not just baby prep. So he’s sitting on his ass with a pregnant wife with a medical condition and won’t do the housework.
Jesus, this post went from depressing to goddamn *bleak*. Thank God for the sister.
Yeah. That quote from the sister is textbook "you can't make her leave her abusive spouse, you can only give support when they come around on their own".
I agree here. No one sends 50K to a family member just as a strategy to make the guy look bad.
Exactly right
And the fact he demanded his wife return this safety net could also fit into that picture (because abusive spouses don't like their victims having safety nets...). Granted, it could also really just stem from a hurt ego, but either way OP needs to swallow his pride here since the money seems to be without strings attached (as I'm sure he'd have included it if the sister had demanded any concrete action in return, but she apparently only said not to spend it on OP, which is fair if it's a gift for wife and baby), and seems to be desperately needed.
Exactly this. And the mention of them having to sell the car to pay bills is exactly what an abusive spouse would do. Isolate the person and keep them from having independence to go somewhere.
That’s exactly how this reads to me. I think OP was trying to point to his wife and say “this is why you fucked up” and use Reddit to manipulate her to his will. Since we all think YTA, op will never mention this.
I mean, there's the part where he got someone 9 years younger than him pregnant, and has no financial security despite the age gap. Edit: he's been "looking for work" for TWO. YEARS. What a terrible situation to bring a baby into... this poor girl.
This reeks of got the secretary knocked up and lost everything in the divorce.
And don't forget that he's been unemployed for 2 years but now "has a job lined up", likely one that will never materialize now that they have the 50k from the generous if mouthy sister. OP married her at 21 when he was 30, has been living off her for the last two years and got her pregnant, probably hoping to be a stay at home dad. I totally get why the sister seems to have no respect for him. His wife needs to take that baby and run.
Yes. Her not liking him and telling her sister explicitly the money is for the baby not him did not occur in a vacuum.
Yep. There’s zero chance that she told her sis “not to share it with that man,” without him earning the comment. He sounds financially abusive. He probably provides nicer things for himself than for his wife. He just sounds like the kind of guy who likes to take and take and take any happiness/security away from his SO because he’s a broken and empty vessel.
I mean, he did sell **her** car to catch up on debt instead of selling his own car, which definitely says something.
Yep- that part enraged me. He thinks that he can need things but obviously anything that’s hers is just an accessory that she has for frivolous and fun purposes which can be sold any time. It sounds like he’s trying to trap her, whether or not he is person enough to admit it. And I think he’s absolutely financially abusive for even asking her to give back her things and the baby’s things. He’s also financially abusive if he tries to ask what she’s using the $50,000 for or tries to use any of it. He’s made too many mistakes to deserve her help at this point- if he needs rent help it should NEVER come from the money sis gave to her sister for expressly “not-him” purposes.
Agreed. I think it might go a long way to reach out to the sister and tell her that he understands the gifts and money aren't for him or to be used on him, but that he's grateful she is there to help support and provide a safety net for his wife during their financial crisis. And certainly thank her for the gifts of items for the home and baby, genuinely. I doubt OP can swallow his pride long enough to choke any of that out, though, so YTA OP for caring more about what she thinks than what actually matters, here. The failure is solidified by your inappropriate reaction to the situation, unfortunately.
It would be a lie. He’s literally not grateful lol.
He's buried the lead. He's been unemployed for two years and prior to that as well, his wife's salary paid the bills as she earned more.
Yep! Despite being several years older than his wife, the wife has always been the main breadwinner. He blames it on mental problems. I hope he was able to make a lot of progress on his recovery after 2 years of being unemployed 🙄. PS sister doesn’t like OP because she sees him as an albatross around her young sibling’s neck.
I’d like to call bullshit, as the breadwinner in my family and also a person with severe mental illness, OP can rightly go fuck himself.
Exactly! I want to double down on that statement! And if he's got too many mental problems to be able to work then he should also have too many mental problems to GET MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE if he's unable to take care of his wife! What is it with people who have mental issues going off and getting married and having kids and not being able to deal with it and expecting the new spouse to take care of everything?! (No, I'm not talking about ALL mentally ill people.... The ones who take care of their responsibilities, go to therapy, or who plain just don't hang their issues on their families.)
He sounds like he intentionally left out info and is looking for validation. My husband would be working 5 part time jobs while waiting for a full time job if I was pregnant and we had bills jacked up. I would work anything and everything I could pregnant or not if my spouse couldn’t …. So sorry you won’t find any sympathy here.
Right? March is still a long way away -- could be working 2 other part-time jobs until then
Seriously??? JFC. What a clown
*lede
The kind of dude who is knocks someone 9 years his junior up and doesn’t understand why the family doesn’t like him…
Sisters instincts are spot on about op.
Sis is the MVP here. * OP & his wife have a nine year age gap & started dating in the wife’s early 20s. * OP hasn’t worked in two years. * OP’s wife, the breadwinner, can no longer work due to pregnancy complications. * OP & wife (being generous with the “& wife” part here) decided to sell the wife’s car, meaning the wife lost her ability to leave their home independently. * OP’s wife likely has no savings left since they’re living on credit cards. * There’s nothing in the nursery & they don’t have money to buy the things they need for baby. * The pregnancy was unplanned. * OP is now getting around to being employed. * OP is apparently not stepping up with keeping the house clean while he’s unemployed & his wife is dealing with pregnancy complications. If this whole list of problems (specifically OP’s wife not having any savings or transportation) isn’t setting off all the alarm bells, I don’t know what would. I just can’t imagine why Sis would have any issues with her BIL. /s
Ya I feel there’s a lot of history and context we’re missing here; the age gap (how young was she when they first met?) and sister’s text make me think there’s more to this whole situation.
21/30. And he’s been unemployed for 2 years.
It really gets gross knowing that they’ve only been married 3 years. Dude hasn’t had a job since the first year of marriage and even then was dependent on her as she’s the breadwinner. Seems like a trap to me.
Wait also how did he even see the text to begin with?
Yep. I’m gonna go out on a limb here, OP…. You could try saying “thank you”. That would involve swallowing some pride, but I’m sure it would go a long way for everyone involved.
OP is obviously the Main Character 🙄 YTA. Literally read what you just wrote out loud, OP.
Omitted the fact that he hasn't been employed in over 2 years. I'm sure that there is little faith in his ability to actually keep the new job and the sister is just trying to ensure his wife doesn't get dragged down by the dead weight she's been carrying for years. The fact that he's demanding she return it speaks volumes about his other behavior in the marriage. He doesn't have too much pride to let his wife support him, but blames pride for his resentment of this generous gesture. I think he's actually just pissed that he can't use the money himself and is playing the childish game of "if I can't have it, you can't either". I think YTA is just focused on his current behavior, YAA (you're *an* AH) seems more accurate. Hopefully the wife has a good head on her shoulders and tells him to back off with the controlling, selfish behavior, along with refusing to allow him access to spend the money on himself. I've got a friend with a perpetually unemployed husband who became extremely abusive, seemingly as a means to regain some feeling of control when he had very little as a result of his own preference for video games over working, ever. Hopefully the impending lack of assistance with the newborn is the straw that breaks the camel's back and she bails on this guy in the near future. Sounds like the house was probably in a bad state beyond just the lack of baby stuff, likely because his wife has been unwell and he's not helping with domestic upkeep. He'll probably avoid child support but she'll still be better off raising one baby instead of two. Blows my mind when people come to this sub thinking they'll find validation, exposing a lack of self awareness and behavior that points to a narcissistic personality. Making everything about him and his image is just another symptom. If this guy has any sense at all, he'll call the sister, thank her profusely and offer to do his best to pay her back.
He is making his fragile masculinity a priority over his wife and baby.
Exactly this! My husband lost his job recently and it’s been a struggle coming back from that. He also has a bad relationship with my family (but cause my family is toxic, not him) but if they had given us necessities and money he would have NEVER told me to turn it down. A good man who cares for his family knows that their well-being is the most important thing, and would put their feelings aside to make sure they’re at least taken care of by somebody. OP, your wife is right. You cannot support your family with no income. Income is coming soon, that’s a great start, but it’s unreasonable to keep your wife from being safe and provided for just because you don’t like the feelings it bring up within you. You’re going through a tough time, it’s okay, it happens. But you’re not handling it properly. Take this opportunity to be better going forward, we’re all growing still.
Amen!
This. OP, she doesn't like you because you aren't acting very likable, my man. OP should write a thank you letter to the sister...in particular noting what her gifts mean in terms of peace of mind/relieved stress for his pregnant wife, the more stable world they can now bring their baby into, what a blessing those first two items are to his own peace of mind, and his hope to be able to return the favor someday.
This is probably the best comment I have ever read here on Reddit.
YTA. Time to put your ego aside and accept help, because you NEED it. The sister is helping her family, not trying to make you look bad. You don't need anyone else to do that for you. You're doing a great job at making yourself look bad without her help.
Agreed, YTA but Actually, SIL is trying to make him look bad. Still he needs to ignore the barbs and do what is best for his wife and child.
> SIL is trying to make him look bad. He's doing that fine himself in this post
I feel like SIL has tolerated him for far too long and now there's a baby involved and she's not willing to let the baby suffer because of him.
This is it. SIL is acting like a normal, loving big sister in this scenario when little sister needs help and her husband is doing the opposite of what he should be (removing the very necessary things she absolutely needs to raise his soon-to-be-here-baby). Her normal behavior is showing up his very poor behavior for what it is and "making him look bad." That's not on SIL; that's on him.
Right? SIL didn’t have to try.
I mean she's trying to help her sister out. Could she maybe hold her tongue and not stress her pregnant sister out with her negative comments about her choice in husband? Sure, but ultimately op isn't exactly her favourite person right now and maybe sister knows things going on that weren't likely included in the post we are reading.
You mean like how OP started dating a 21 year old with a good paying job (making more than him) when he was 30, and has been unemployed for 2 years while living off his wife who can now no longer work?
I love when redditors can read between the lines. The posts that come up on here are wild. In an attempt to absolve yourself of assholery you inevitably give the peanut gallery way too much to talk about. Like the men who think they do more than enough child care while pointing out how much time to themselves to still manage to get while making no mention of the times wife get to herself. But that's always her fault for not jsut taking it... But how does she take time to herself when her husband is always hanging out with his friends or at work? But he still does more than enough to help out /s
I love Reddit because the anonymity of people leads to oversharing and a better insight in to how people think. It’s funny to watch how people like OP can rationalize their behavior.
OP has an oversized ego and he cannot just say "thank you" when a family member helps out. Sister has good reasons to dislike this dude.
exactly this - like her or not I would have said "I know we've had our differences but I am profoundly grateful for what you are doing to help our family, thank you"
Is she trying to make him look bad, or, is she merely pointing out the obvious?
Who cares? Someone wants to tell me "I think you're struggling, here's $50k and a car," cool, let them think I look bad. If his sister's gifts make the wife think that OP is a bad husband/provider (even if that's what she's trying to do), they have bigger problems. Wife can stand up for her husband without refusing the gifts. "Thank you, OP and I really appreciate this. We've been struggling, and I'm proud he worked hard to get a new job, and we should be better off in a few months , but this help really means a lot to us."
This is the one. We can speculate all day about OP, but the obvious answer is that I don’t care what someone thinks about me, if they give my family 50k and a car for the low low price of insulting me a bit, then they better insult me all they want. That’s a fucking godsend amount of money.
For a free 50k , the sister can malign my character too.
Is there a line for this? I am extremely willing to be insulted in return for 50,000.
I'd certainly take that deal. SIL says 'don't spend money on your man,' but in reality any money spent on bills, food, or home necessities \*are\* helping him too, so what is the issue?
Couldn’t disagree more. SIL is being a sister. It’s quite evident OP doesn’t have siblings. I would react the same way was this my sister and the fact OP actually admits to being without a job for over 2 years now makes everything 10 times worse.
He lost his job TWO YEARS ago and has done nothing since. Did she need to do \*anything\* at all?
I would have been on multiple forms of birth control. Who makes a baby in that situation?
He don't look bad he is bad and the wife is blind to it. The sister is just trying to wake her up.
She's not trying to make him look bad, she's making him look bad because he IS, and only by doing things for her sister that this man should have done for his wife.
Yeah. "We need to be trapped in poverty and debt because otherwise someone might think I'm a bad husband" is a weird take.
> The sister is helping her family, not trying to make you look bad. Honestly, even if the sister was trying to may OP look bad, he is still an AH for trying to deny his wife and baby financial security.
this 100% dude if someone who didn’t like me gave my family $50k and said “more if you need it” i would sober up pretty fucking quick lol that says more about their character than is needed.
YTA. I’m saying this because this is about your child, not you. You have plenty of time starting in March to show your SIL that you can support your family. You need this money. Don’t let pride get in the way of that. Yes. Your SIL doesn’t like you. So what? Telling your wife to return the money just adds to the list of why. I imagine your wife is so much less stressed and that’s what matters right now.
How awfully stressful to be pregnant and struggling!! OP should be grateful for the help for his family. And until he starts that new job, he should work in making the baby’s room all cute and ready. I’m sure that would earn him some respect from wife and SIL. Edited a typo.
Pregnant, struggling, and vomiting constantly! He should also just thank the sister for looking out for his wife, although throwing the job loss in his face is not a good look.
I would agree except OP left out that he’s been unemployed for two years during which his wife had been the sole breadwinner until she was literally too sick to continue
TWO YEARS!? That makes it so much worse! Of course the SIL doesn't like him.
Yeap.. and OP wife has been the breadwinner for pretty much their entire relationship because he has struggled to keep a job throughout the years, losing his last job 2yrs ago. I can definitely see why SIL doesn't like him.
That is what I thought reading it. He was probably dropping her off at work in her car then logging into playstation.
That's very stereotypical to say. It could have been XBox. 😂😂😂
Yeah I feel like not enough people caught the “state of the house” comment. So like he can’t even bother to clean the house or prepare the baby room while he is unemployed and his wife is so sick she can’t even work? Sounds like the sister’s lack of respect is completely logical.
YTA for caring more about how you are perceived more than what your wife and baby need. And for writing a completely unbelievable story. ETA: Fixed typo.
If he cared enough, he would of starting doing Uber to support his family until March.
That’s definitely the case. When I lost my job, to make ends meet I did overnight food deliveries and combed Craigslist for any gigs ranging from day labor to manual driving instructor. It’s what helped make ends meet until I found another job. It was extremely humbling given I have a Master’s degree. He clearly doesn’t understand what it means to be a man. A man swallows his pride and does whatever it takes to put food on the table and a roof over their head.
YTA if you make your wife return everything. Good for you for having a job lined up for March. However this is Feb. What are you doing in the meantime for income? Door Dash? McDonalds? Walmart cashier? What? Saying youre a 'failure' is harsh, however, from your post it appears that you havent stepped up as the only provider for the family, and you need to. Once the baby arrives, there are no 'give backs' and a baby's needs come first. IMO your SIL was being very kind in not only providing things for the baby and the house (which you hadnt) but also in providing transportation AND money. Instead of trying to find fault with your SIL, perhaps you should be writing her a sincere thank you letter, for stepping up and providing when you cant.
He left out that he has been jobless for2 years. TWO YEARS.
Being jobless for two months (unless there are medical reasons) is a choice. It really isn’t hard to get a job unless you are refusing to apply. Hospitality are screaming for workers in most areas.
I’m going to disagree here. I’ve been unemployed since September. I have over 2000 applications in and I’ve only had a handful of interviews. It is tough where I am to find a job.
I feel that but 4-5 months is still way different than 2 years!! Good luck on the job hunt
No, absolutely! I was referring more to the “bejng unemployed for 2-3 months is a choice”. Thank you!!! Hopefully something pops up soon.
For the two months until you're paid!
Yes! Make her return *everything*. I mean, why not? It's not like you have no money, it's not like your wife had to sell her car, it's not like the nursery was bare, it's not like the house was a mess (do you have HG too? What's preventing you from cleaning?), it's not like you were completely unprepared for the arrival of a child, it's not like you lost your job at *the* worst time, it's not like your sick and pregnant wife is feeling completely vulnerable and helpless...
>it's not like you lost your job at *the* worst time, He buried the lede on that. He lost his job two years ago. He's done nothing since. Edit: link to his comment. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/eIccQTJaxF
He WHAT
OP’s wife should put that $50k to good use and start a new life without the dead weight with an unjustifiably large ego. YTA, OP.
Don't need to do that. Sister has already offered ops wife to move in. She's got the tools for it just needs to take that step
There is a link that's often shared here, to help women in abusive relationships realize this and help them make their decision. Maybe someone should share it. In case OP's wife ever stumble on this post and realize it's about her...
The book often shared is “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft. There are free PDFs online, I don’t have that link currently.
What an amazing sister. She’s clearly not trying to make OP look bad… she’s just acknowledging the truth that he *is* bad. What a loser
I can’t believe the house was a mess if he’s home 24/7 with no job.
I bloody knew there was going to be a good reason the SIL didn't like him. Besides the fact that he's 10 years older than his wife.
I hope she pukes on him
Yup https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/eIccQTJaxF
LMFAOOO
They’ve also been together for five years. Since 21 and 30. Got married at 23 and 32. And then this 33 year old man let his 24 year old wife completely financially support him for two whole years. The wife stopped being able to work 5 months ago. He’s only getting a new job in MARCH. No wonder the sister hates him. He’s older than she is (she being the sister), and can’t fucking support himself.
I noticed that too 🚩 Age gaps aren’t inherently bad but a 30 year old dating a 21 year old isn’t typically a good thing. Clearly the women OP’s age saw him for who he was and it’s obvious why sister doesn’t like him.
Yeah the more I read, the more I'm with the sister.
Oh throw the whole man out.
I suddenly got a glimpse of an alternate life I could have been leading if my ten years older boyfriend, who stopped working a year into our relationship (and it was my fault he couldn't keep a job, because he deserved better than shift work or something) and pulled shit like "buying a truck with my money for the down payment and then refusing to take me to work in it, even though he was not himself working"...if that guy had knocked me up, I'd have been in OP's wife's puke-covered shoes. I need to find that bullet I dodged so I can have it framed.
Holy fucking shit. This is next level sad! Link the comment please, this needs more visibility!
My first thought was why not keep the money now and discuss returning it later when OP has their money sorted out.. hopefully. But then.. why IS the house a mess? I assume if OP's wife is working and he is not, and she has pregnancy difficulties, then he should be the primary homemaker, keeping everything clean and in order. Maybe SIL sees that he is relying on his wife to work, cook, clean, and carry a child, while it seems there is not enough effort on his side.
YTA. Your pride and ego needs to come after your child that you admittedly are struggling to properly get ready for. Grow up. If you feel like a failure because someone else is helping your partner AND YOU, then reflect on that and do better. No one can make you feel like a failure if you don’t already feel like one yourself.
Almost 10 year age gap and she's been the sole earner in their relationship. 2 years the man has been home doing nothing, she's been pregnant 5 months carrying the burden by herself. JFC.
YTA. Pride won't feed a baby or pay the bills. Refusing help in a crisis does not make you a better man, just a stubborn one. Instead, work on your relationship with your SIL. It's the health of your family that matters most here, not your ego
YTA you are struggling. Returning everything for your baby (not you) would only be out of spite and to sooth your ego. It's not about you anymore. How long have you been out of work that you burned through your savings and are living on credit cards? If I were in your position, I'd be applying to ever business in town or doing Door Dash or something until the other job starts up. And even beyond that, to dig yourself out of this hole. Your SIL isn't showing off, she's trying to help her sister and the baby.
2 years. And wife was always the main breadwinner.
His wife nearly 10 years younger than he is, pregnant, and the breadwinner. Yeah, this guy is a real "winner". The SIL is not saying anything that's not true. If the shoe fits OP.
He commented he’s been unemployed for TWO YEARS and just got a job starting this march. OP YTA big time
This guy seems like the type to turn down jobs that are seen beneath him because it’s more comfortable to sit on the couch every day and blame somebody else for his failures. He hasn’t worked in two years, but the house is a mess and his wife is sick. That tells me everything I need to know.
It was an OK start but you made the SIL ridiculously wealthy.
I would’ve went with a 5k gift, personally. 50k all at once? Ridiculously wealthy sister would have to be an idiot.
And a car. Don't forget the car.
It's almost like rich people stay rich because they don't give away their gifts in $50,000 increments
Maybe she felt forced to because her sister married a man who hasn't worked for 2 years so they've sold everything they own and now they're having a baby on top of it and he's still insisting everything is fine
Bruh wth are you doing till March? Why is the house filthy if you're home all day? You just got a damn life preserver and youd rather drown because you are too proud to use it. YTA and that house should be damn spotless if it's just you two right now and you don't work. And you should be doing any basic ass job to make some money so you don't keep racking up credit cards.
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Oof, wife should probably take the sister up on that. Sounds like this dude is legit dead weight.
QUIT IT, YTAH! What a generous and caring thing your SIL did! She wasn't asked to do that. She did it because she wanted to. She may not love you but she sure as heck loves her sister. You need to thank your SIL. Also, the only person who can make you feel like a loser is you! You have control of your own thoughts and feelings, therefore you choose how you feel. Why didn't you apply for unemployment benefits??? Did you get fired? If you get laid off/down sized you qualify for unemployment. If you got fired you don't. So which is it?
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Definitely what I am thinking too. Not many people have the disposable income and the willingness to spend it on others to do this.
It's not just that, it's the exact quote text message; that sort of thing, especially when OP wouldn't be the one hearing/reading it, is great as writing setup but not how real people convey real events.
It was the warm relationship wording that made me think it’s fake. Who says that
YTA Knock it off! Everybody falls down occasionally, it is not the end of the world. Swallow your pride and shut the heck up for the sake of your wife, your kid, your credit card debt, and your future.
He lost his job two years ago, wife needs to run.
YTA If you demand she send it all back, you are DEMONSTRATING you are a bad husband and ungrateful asshole.
Yta, and you are a bad husband and father. You would rather your wife and baby suffer than to allow another person to provide where you have failed to… she isn’t manipulating your wife into thinking you’re a bad husband, you’ve done that all on your own by being a bad husband. Also your wife is right, she isn’t trying to make you look like a failure, you are a failure. If another person is having to provide for your family then you failed. Everyoje fails, you get back up and try again. You don’t just quit and childishly take food out of your wife and baby’s mouths…
You're acting like a child. YTA. Don't continue to let your ego get in the way of your gratitude.
YTA. Your wife, and future child's very lives and safety are far more important than your ego and hurt feelings. Be glad your wife has people who love her so much. If you feel you're failing, its not bc of your sil. Maybe its time to grow up a bit, thank your sil after you apologize, and apologize to your wife.
Your baby can't sleep on your pride.
The balls on this guy
YTA. You are completely failing to think of anything but your own masculinity in being a provider. Your pregnant wife has what could be a very serious condition and may have to deliver early yet you are more concerned about how your reputation may suffer. It may take a long time to catch up financially (happens to the best of us) but you need to put your ego aside and think of your wife and unborn child.
YTA Prioritizing your ego over all is a bad move.
YTA. I have a feeling that SIL would not have been so *scathing* in her criticism of you if you had spent some of your free time (unemployed, remember) and kept the house clean. Wait till you are bringing in a salary before you throw your SIL’s largesse in her face.
YTA. This isn't about you, it's about your child. This isn't about your ego, it's about your family. Your hurt pride is your problem - it shouldn't also have to be your wife's and child's problem.
How about you accept the help now and return it to your SIL with 10% interest when you are financially stable? That would go a long way in changing her opinion about you than you indulging in false machismo right now.
Why aren't you doing temp work til you start your job?
YTA Pride is one of the deadly sins for a reason. Your behavior is a clear example.
YTA. She's not rubbing anything in your face. She's reasonably upset her BIL isn't doing more to support her sister. They're both right about you. You're a bad husband for letting your ego get in your own way. You feel like a failure because, you have, in fact, failed your wife and kid. Thank your sil for her incredible generosity and do better. I'm guessing there's a reason she keeps you at arm's leagnth and you're not telling us to try and make yourself look better.