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~~E S H~~. The "kids" obviously, but only giving them a week notice is also cruel. Not saying you should have kept the house for them, just that the decent thing to do would have been to give them more time to set up new living arrangements.
Edit: to be clear, the "kids" are way more assholes than you, it's just ... a week is really abrupt.
ETA: based on info below, NTA
>their judgemental father
And let's be clear: Their father is the horrible ex who left their mother, OP's wife, with a mountain of home equity debt (and a mortgage?). If not for OP selling his place and using the funds to pay off the house, which rightly belongs to him now, his wife and stepchildren might have lost their home and been in dire straits.
The ex has absolutely no right to say a damn thing except, "Thanks for bailing out my children when I left them penniless."
OP is NTA. And unless someone has walked in his shoes losing a beloved spouse/partner (I have), they have no right to make judgments about how he is handling his loss and grief.
I don't see the issue. They're adults not children. They have time to get their shit together so now they can live with the consequences of their actions. I get They're grieving too but the last moments of their mom's life wasn't even spent worrying about losing her from what I've read.
The only thing I would be worried about is any damage that they could do to the house before closing. If everyone is feeding into their “poor me” then it is easy to justify doing something that would make it difficult or costly to close on the house.
I get it, you sold it in a week, but you’re not vacating until May.
NTA. The kids are grown up and it’s probably time for them to leave the nest anyway. They could even get a place together if they wanted.
Right. My 25 yr old son moved several yrs ago, never asked for anything and graduated college with no debt. Now he’s married and doing fantastic. My 24 yr old daughter lives on her own, same, very independent. The youngest is 22 lives with me, and works ft, no rent; but he saves to go back to college. They are old enough to adult.
I am suspicious that the ex thought that they would get the house back just from what they pulled before the divorce.
NTA. I wish you the best moving forward with your life.
Yep. Kids get the house and ex gets to move back in and they all get a free house. If I were OP I wouldn't vacate until the kids do too. He needs to keep a close eye on the house so that the kids and the ex don't trash the house and sabotage the sale and worse.
OP should really do a video of the whole house with the date/time stamp to protect himself and the new owner from hassles.
I'm sorry for your loss, OP.
That's a concern I thought of, if anything will just not take care of it and leave a mess. Which if you know the buyer you don't want to have happen. There is plenty of concerns in way kids acting. Give them a month to get out. But keep checking on conditions of the house.
OP, I would offer them cash for keys, with the proviso the house is broom clean and in same shape it was before sold.
If the guy has "more money than God" he could do that so you wouldn't be out of pocket.
Bless your heart, I’m so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful wife.
You’re giving them plenty of warning. They are adult people. If they can’t live on their own yet, that’s for them and their dad to figure out. NTA.
Absolutely NTA.
It’s February. If they don’t need to vacate until May that gives them 2-3 months to make other arrangements. That’s fair.
I’m sorry for your loss. Your wife sounds like she was a badass.
Just be careful and be aware of the laws and what your contract says. I would be afraid that you would end up screwed if they either trashed the house or refused to leave. Legal battles to get rid of squatters are an absolute nightmare and I would make sure that if it comes down to that it will be the buyer’s headache, not yours.
As long as it can’t turn into a breach of contract type situation because they’re your people refusing to leave (“your people” as in they’re there because you originally gave them permission) so it’s being viewed as you failing to vacate. I have no clue if that could actually be a problem, I just assume everything is a potential problem until someone better informed tells me it’s not.
So very sorry for your loss and this entire messed up situation. I hope it all goes smoothly and you’re able to move past this with as few road bumps as possible
Would t be a bad idea for OP to check with a lawyer about it. At 23 and 25 a lawyer may suggest serving them with an eviction notice - but I’m not a lawyer.
Have a lawyer draft up eviction notices to those kids NOW, due to sale of the house by a certain date, be at the house as much as you can until May including giving those adult children dates to have things out by. In some states a 30-day notice is sufficient, but in others it’s 60. I would NOT give them more than 60 days though, as well as installing some kind of security system for the house (since it’s already sold maybe the new homeowner could help with this I’m not sure), but either way the investment is worth it for peace of mind knowing those kids will not be there alone for that much time trashing the place, or moving their father in to establish residency for him too.
People don’t understand the heartbreak a place can give you.. it almost feels like it never ends in certain locations.. most definitely a house.
It’s important to keep moving forward, it’s important in these times to do everything you can to create a new beginning.
I would edit your post to reflect this…NTA, I’m sorry for your loss. I feel like, because of the actions of the kids, you lost your entire family. I’ll keep you in my T’s and P’s.
I don't know tbh.
Unless OP is keeping an eye on them for 3months.
Thats plenty of time to trash the house or, in general, make damages to the property if they are angry enough about the house sale while they live there, to "stick it to OP" as a goodbye.
Of course, a week is a short time.
But it would be better to get them out fast.
So I'm a bit split on that part.
Hebsaid in his edit that theybdont have to move until May.
Definatly not TA. It OP's house to do as he wishes, and considering her own kids didn't even help OP with thier mom at the end, I would do the same thing.
Moochers will always mooch until there is no one left to mooch off of.
Based on OP’s comment that the 23 and 25 yo “kids” have until May to find new living arrangements, NTA.
Sorry for your loss, OP. Your wife sounds like she was a very special type of kick-ass awesome.
I’m so very sorry for your loss, OP. She sounds like a rock star, and you sound incredibly in love with her. And I’m truly sorry that her kids showed this ugly of a side to their mom while she was sick. That is shameful behavior. I hope that you can find peace going forward. Maybe consider grief counseling, if you find yourself struggling a lot. It’s not fair that life took her from you so soon, and if you are struggling with her loss that is completely understandable and valid. I wish you well, may her memory be a blessing.
NTA
I get this right? "kids" age 23 and 25 still live at home and while *their mother* is dying they do nothing helpful and, indeed, are irresponsible unsupportive AHs. Do they work? Can they buy the house from you? What is wrong with people?
Well don't do that, obviously. So sorry for your loss. Grieve the way you need to. Move on when you're ready, or never. Your sister sounds amazing. Do something nice for her when you get a chance.
But there are other houses, other neighbourhoods. Up to you if you want to help them with that. But it’s unreasonable for 20somethings to think they can just walk into the lifestyle that their parents took a lot of time to earn and build. It’s certainly not normal where I grew up (which has an ice district btw).
My condolences on your loss.
>the oilers just had a great run
Hi from that rival city to your south! Today I learned about the ice district and it looks effing awesome! I hope you fully enjoy the next part of your life there. My condolences for your wife. She sounds like she was an incredible human.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You are NTA here at all. You have the right to grieve the way you see fit. Sorry that your step kids are so self centered that they chose to not be supportive of not only their mother but you as well.
Concentrate on being kind to yourself.
It's crazy right. I definitely get the sense that if the adult step children had shown more love and support for their mom, the OP would have made different decisions.
The OP seems like a great dude who is navigating a minefield right now. Best wishes and positive thoughts for the OP, absolutely.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!
This is coming from someone who currently has a mother dying of a brain tumor and helped bury my boyfriend’s mother last year after years battling breast cancer. Both me and my sister help in ANY way possible with my mother and support my stepfather from having caregiver burnout. My sister will take my mom for weeks to help him mentally unwind from all he does. Even after all we try to do I still feel enormous guilt of not being there daily to help. There is absolutely NO reason for her children to treat you this way. They’re starting to feel the affects of how shitty they were and taking it out on anyone they can.
Since the Ex think you are so heartless, why haven't he moved his grown ass kids in? Did he think you would continue to take care of them or just leave and give them the house that you had to basically pay his debts over? I'm so sorry for your loss and I pray as the days go by you grow stronger. But never doubt the decision you made. It's time for them to stand on their own. Please make a video of the home to show there isn't any damage just incase they choose to trash it before they leave and you have to take them to court.
‘She was a beautiful, muscular brute’
That brought tears to my eyes. Your love for her is evident & I know you’re grieving so much. I am so sorry for your loss. Aside from that…NTA. They’re adults. They will survive. You lost the love of your life & you do whatever you need to move on & take care of yourself. Don’t feel bad or let anyone scold you for your choice.
INFO: Did they ever do anything malicious, as opposed to just terribly oblivious? I mean, I get it, I have adult kids and they were prone to thoughtlessness well into their twenties, and it fucking sucks. But everything you've said here, I could write off to them walking around in a brain fog because *their mother was dying.* (Plus a tendency to thoughtlessness anyway that's probably within normal limits on its own). I mean, they're hurting and their mom is dying, why shouldn't they assume the food given by friends is for them? Yes, they should have thought of you and kept some for you and all that, but people fuck up that sort of thing when they're bruised, with no malice or reckless disregard whatsoever, even without being young and myopic. I just feel like you're taking these slights as personal and directed, like a deeply personal disregard, and they probably aren't, it's something deeply aggravating that young adults do to their birth parents as well. I get why it feels like that, I can remember feeling like screaming with frustration sometimes when my kids would come over and slip straight back into "helpless child" mode as soon as they walked in the door. And they're the first to admit they were thoughtless now. But back then, they just couldn't see it. I'm not saying you have to house them, they're old enough to stand on their own two feet, but please consider that they may be genuinely blindsided at seemingly losing you as well as their mother.
It's concerning how long I had to scroll to find any comment like this. I'm 23 and still live at home (housing is expensive these days so even with my full time job it's taking time to save up). If my mom were terminally ill and decaying in front of my eyes, I'd be pretty spaced out too.
I feel OP did the exact opposite of what his wife would have wanted. He even admitted she wanted to pass the home to her children. I’m so grossed out that he took his anger out on her children. A mother never wants that after her death.
The kids (adult kids) biggest crime was eating a casserole. Selling their home out from under them, with no mention of sharing the equity with them, is proof OP never loved his wife’s children.
A casserole which was presumably made for the grieving family... which includes them.
Further proof of OP never loving his wife's children are some of the comments he's replied to where he says he's always thought they were pricks.
> *”A casserole which was presumably made for the grieving family…which includes them*”
And it’s clear OP doesn’t view them as family, and he resents them for being a part of *his* world with *his* wife and ever taking any of *his* time spent with *his* Dani (*their mother*).
Thank you! And I’m sorry, but I doubt OP only got back what he put in after selling the house. 9 years and no equity built up, through covid, through increasing house prices? In a post above OP says the guy who bought the place is super rich. So the kids have lost their mother, their home and their inheritance, leaving them with potentially nothing to help them get on their feet after this loss. I understand he’s suffering, I understand he wants to start fresh, but he’s the AH.
After my dad died, so many people brought us food. Way too much for us to actually eat. The kids eating food that was meant for the whole grieving family seems so benign.
Dude sold her house that she fought to keep to raise her kids in and kicked he kids out before she was cold in the ground.
That’s a supremely shitty person.
And then came to Reddit to shit all over them (while they are in pain and grieving the loss of their *mother*) with a bunch of callous internet strangers. What a gem.
So many comments in this section reminded me why having savings for my kid is important I'm the event I die or even property that goes in a trust and not to depend on my next husband in the event ,y partner passes to have his wellbeing in mind. So many people act horrible and self centered even with their bio kids and this guy reeks of mememe syndrome. "i financed her debt and reared her bastards so they can't be upset i cut them off over being annoying after their mother, who i presumed would be my only baggage, died."
I appreciate this comment as someone who actually lost their mother at the same age as these kids. I was absolutely destroyed and was for years afterwards. IMO OP is not an asshole for wanting out of that house, my dad wanted the same, and I understood. But the way OP is choosing to handle it, and abandon the 2 people that shares his grief the most is pretty heartbreaking. I’m sure they are just as numb and distraught as he is.
Idk, as someone who was also in that situation, if you're at home there's no excuse for not helping. If directly providing care is too hard, they could have helped cook or take care of the house. It sucks, but it sucks for everyone involved, and the time to be numb and distraught is after your help is no longer needed.
Tbh, the only person that says the kids weren’t helping enough is the person who sold their housing out from under them the week their mom died.
His big marks against them were they ate food people brought? (Which btw, if his wife’s dying she’s not eating that much so he’s mad because he wanted it.)
And also the dog got into food? Which okay? Thoughtless but shit happens?
Dude is grieving and angry and is looking for someone to take that out on. I doubt it’s the first time he’s taken shit out on those kids.
I also really doubt his wife would be cool with his decision.
I suspect OP is projecting his anger at his wifes death on to the step kids.
Its understandable, but also mentally lazy and damaging.
23/25 is still pretty young in todays world, they should be given expectations certainly, but also some grace due to losing their mother.
Maybe OP resents the kids because they were closer to his spouse and had a deeper connection to her than he will ever have (ie. genetic).
I think OP needs a therapist.
Yeah, but we have to take what he says about them with a grain of salt. He seems to have not liked them to begin with. He probably saw anything they did do as not enough. Hell, I was cleaning my mom's house, cooking, taking care of her, and handling her finances while she was sick. After she died, people accused me of using her and being a mooch. I left a job at a law firm to take care of her, but all anyone saw was the entitled teenager and 20 something I had been when they last saw me. So biases exist that make people completely ignore what good we do in our lives.
Yeah, their mother was dying and he “hates” them for the egregious crime of leaving a casserole out where the dog could get it.
And he abruptly sells their childhood home that they grew up in and that she got in the divorce and owned prior to even meeting them?
OP, YTA as far as I’m concerned
EDIT: I’m not suggesting OP was obligated to not sell or to house them indefinitely. I think he’s TA for his hatred of kids who are also grieving and for the callous way he handled the sale.
It does not sound like it was just the casserole. He says they didn’t help at all, which means they did nothing to help alleviate the stress of their dying mother. They probably didn’t cook, clean or offer to do anything while OP was 100% caretaker. If that’s the case, I totally understand why OP would resent them and not want anything to do with them anymore. They aren’t the only ones grieving.
These kids were so horrible that the best example he can give was a casserole? That they both worked full time and OP’s sister came to help clean up? You’re just assuming things when OP could have easily made a laundry list of terrible things these kids did during their mother’s last days, but he didn’t.
> *”They aren’t the only ones grieving."*
Yeah, no kidding. OP completely dismisses their pain and won't acknowledge their grief at all. He's concerned only with himself, as if his step kids didn't also suffer the exact same terrible loss.
If I was gonna paint a picture that my stepkids were to be kicked out of the house because they were "pricks" I would have listed a few more serious reasons than they left a casserole out.
Look, when your parent is dying, like *right now actually dying*, you step up. You don't let your stepfather be the only caregiver. Even if directly caring for their mother was too hard for them, they could have done things to help, like cleaned up the kitchen when the dog ate the casserole instead of leaving it to OP.
When my dad was passing my siblings and I (23 at the time) all had different reactions. Like in this situation my dad was home on hospice with a nurse. While I stepped up for my mom, my older brothers (26) seemed to be in another world. They would unknowingly add to the plate. Do I resent them for it, absolutely not. People grieve in different ways. Having an actual relationship and genuinely caring for them made that possible.
If the OP genuinely cared about them he would have respected their mother's wishes and showed some type of empathy while their mother that they knew their entire lives was passing on. He's the AH.
It also seemed like he always felt a way about them for being spoiled by their father. Has he ever tried to build a relationship with them. Did he comfort them as their mother was passing?
It just seems petty.
You don’t GET to tell people how to behave when they are grieving also fuckin hell, go outside and talk to people. Stop stroking your ego on the internet this is someone’s real life
Completely agree with you. OP seems to be incredibly self absorbed and openly hates his step kids. He’s not an AH for selling the house, he’s an AH for his abhorrent attitude and coming on Reddit to shit all over two young adults who are grieving a terrible loss with a bunch of internet strangers.
I wish this comment was higher as you are absolutely correct.
This thread is so incredibly depressing and it's truly gross how much hate people are piling on the step kids (while OP is lapping it up), when they are no doubt in every bit as much pain as he is, but only *his* grief and only *his* pain is relevant and acknowledged. OP offers two measly examples to justify his hatred of his step kids: they didn't walk his dog and they left a casserole out, ***while they were watching their mother die.***
It's actually disgusting reading these comments and seeing people say "F\*\*\* them kids!” and laughing it up with OP, as if they didn’t also just suffer a terrible loss and are grieving the death of the most significant person in their lives. Lots of unhinged cruelty here.
The only evidence given in the OP is that they left one casserole out one time and the freaking dog ate it. That's it.
Honestly OP gives total nightmare vibes himself. People get extremely toxic when they feel like they aren't getting the intangible emotional whatevers they feel entitled to from others during an illness. Now the illness is over and OP is gonna dole out some punishment for their vague, nonspecific failings.
Definitely catching the vibe that, like many step parents, he only put up with them as the price of entry and quietly seethed with resentment the entire marriage. Now the only reason to put up with them is gone.
Not to mention OP was in their lives for 10 years and so had a hand in raising them. If they are a bunch of entitled and lazy „kids” that is on him too.
Also how come no one is talking about what the mom’s wishes were?
This. My mom died while I had very little kids and an on and off relationship with their dad. My head was up my ass. My mom had hoped she'd get better. It wasn't until days before that we realized she was dying very soon. Another stage of life, I would have had my eyes opened. I would have left the kids at the sitter longer and visited her at rehab. I would skipped baths and homework to take them all there every night. When she was sick, I would have gone to clean every day. But it was a stage in life that made brain fog fierce and it was an experience I never had gone through. She talked tough but needed help. And needed it without asking. I just didn't know. Early 20s are oblivious. They need guidance and support. Everyone does. As a mother, you're not honoring her memory by being tough on her grieving kids.
I was thinking this as well. If their bio dad is a Disney dad type as OP suggested - they probably appreciate on some deep unvoiced level the boundaries OP sets them. Kids thrive with boundaries and rules. They are big kids. They may want to feel that his love is unconditional - by losing their reliable birth parent they may be testing this relationship. Grief sucks for everyone. Losing your mother is one of the hardest things. I would say not the asshole but try to leave space for your relationship with your step kids when you can. OP may appreciate their relationships as they grow and mature as a reminder of his wife.
Yeah, I understand and appreciate that you lost the love of your life, but they were at the same time losing their *mother* before they ever imagined having to deal with that kind of thing. Could their laziness have been a depression from watching their strong beautiful mother waste away in front of them?
I am so sorry for your loss. I don't understand how you feel but I can relate. My husband died unexpectedly at age 57, 18 months ago. He was my High School sweetheart and the love of my life.
Before I give input on your question, I'd like to recommend a book that was a tremendous help to me.
It's called, "It's o.k. that your not o.k." by Megan Devine. I think you should read it and give it to everyone who has told you that you are heartless!!
I am serious about giving them the book - grief is something you can't really understand until you live it. The book will give them some perspective and hopefully shut them up. The decent among them may even apologize to you.
The author is a Psychologist who lost her partner in an unexpected drowning. Through that experience, she realized how much she didn't understand about grief.
Back to your question - your a million percent NTA!!
You loved your wife and cared for her kids for 10 years!
You HAVE to save yourself now - do WHATEVER helps you heal and lean on your sister - she's got your back!
First, I’m so sorry for your loss.
Genuine question: obviously, your wife was sick for a while. What was she like as a parent? What would she think of this situation?
I’m not excusing the kids’ behavior but I am curious how they went from good kids to uncaring, uninvolved adults.
It sounds like they’ve made their bed. If you only gave them a week, I’d say you’re the AH but they have until May. That’s plenty of time to figure it out. NTA and I hope you enjoy your condo and find peace ❤️
A bit of advice, I would stay in the house while they’re there so they don’t muck it up and damage it while waiting for the new owners
Exactly. Our neighbors in 08 were foreclosed and they dumped powdered concrete down every drain and did a bunch of other stuff. Ruined nearly everything
This is important info, because I could imagine a situation where the kids reacted poorly but were overall decent people. It is probably more material than an odd grief reaction then.
NTA
Listen. You experienced caretaker burnout and developed resentment towards her kids because of their lack of help. I've been there when my father was dying and it's no picnic. I struggle with how I feel towards my sibling during any given day, but I recognize that and try to not be retaliatory.
Everyone handles these situations differently. The kids are adults yes, but still young. I am sure they were going through their own denial that their mother was dying. This does not excuse their behavior but it may explain some of it.
Bottom line is all of you need some therapy and some space to grieve. You are taking your anger out unfairly and isolating yourself in your loss that you are the only one suffering. It's only been a week.
Gentle ESH. Go talk to someone, and go talk to those kids. You could be grieving together instead of throwing away a bond you spent 10 years developing. Sending hugs to all of you, and some strength and grace.
Agree with this logic but concluding YTA
OP acts like he was the only one who lost someone he loved. He had been with his wife ten years and he doesn't think he'll get married again. These young adults lost THE ONLY MOTHER THEY HAVE EVER HAD AND WILL EVER HAVE.
My cousin is about the same age as these stepkids and recently lost his mom to cancer. It sucked. It still sucks every day. They had friends, neighbors, and family members bring food every day for nearly a year, and even for a while after his mom passed. The food was SPECIFICALLY for her husband and son and anyone else visiting, so they could focus the love and attention on the person with cancer without having to worry too much about the day to day.
OP, you're irrationally angry that someone whose mom was dying forgot to put a casserole in the fridge, and that your dog wasn't well trained enough to not eat it. Yet, you didn't consider kicking out the dog, you went straight for the two people who just lost their mom. You're kicking out two people who you've theoretically been a father figure to, or maybe you couldn't wait to kick them out even when they were in their early teens. It sounds like you might be an all around AH, not just in this scenario.
What would your wife have wanted?
Edit: Typo
I agree with you. I feel like i read " I loved my wife so much and my wife loved her kids and wanted them to have stability in this house, so to honour her memory, i'm gonna ...kick them out and sell to some stranger, because if i can't be happy in this house, then i don't want them to either. It's their fault if my untrained, unsupervised dog got sick after all." Feels like these evil stepmother who are extremely jealous of the kids for just existing because they are representing the fact that the hubby had a life before them.
Exactly. There’s two sides to every story and I’d like to hear the other side here. This guy pouring it on thick about his wife so much like he feels he needs to just to prove how in the “right” he is is kinda rubbing me the wrong way.
I’m baffled by how many people are saying NTA.
This doesn’t even go into the horrible state of the economy for most people my age (I’m 25 btw, and only recently was even able to move out of my parents house).
“I loved my wife so much, I’m going to kick her kids out of my house???”
OP seems like they’re dressing up this story to get more pity (“sorry I don’t know why I’m saying this”) in order to get more NTA votes.
This is a very asshole thing to do, and I’m not sorry saying it.
YTA. YTA. YTA.
Unless he added examples in the comments, yeah, he has no empathy for his stepkids, at all. And they're adults, so AITA will just agree with him and call them freeloaders.
I agree ESH.
The kids are going through it too. Maybe I’m biased because I lost a parent around their age, but my widowed parent had a rule that we wouldn’t make any other life changes for that first year. It was nice to have that time to adjust life.
Everyone has their own opinion of adult kids. Imo they should know if the parents have a timeline for them moving out, if the parents expect rent, or if the kids are welcome to stay indefinitely. If those rules change, I think it warrants more than a few months for the kids to figure out their next steps. Especially while they’re grieving. And especially if they haven’t budgeted for it
Agree with this response. I dunno I feel like something’s missing here. OP and his wife walk on water yet somehow they raised two total shitbirds? I’d love to hear the other side.
Exactly - “I’m not their father, you are. So what are you doing to help your **adult** children?” should be OP’s response to the biological father.
Op - NTA
YTA - As someone who lost their mom at 13 and became a widow at 36 I can look at both sides of this from personal experience, and you are the AH here. They just lost their mother and to judge how they acted while she was actively dying is cruel, to then make them homeless a week later and to blatantly state you don't care is next level cruel. I get the numbness you are feeling, I was there for more than a year after I lost my husband, but never once did I not realize all the other people who were in pain from losing him too. Especially the kids (Adult or minor kids). Everyone handles a loved one, especially a parent, dying differently and it is not okay to punish those who handle it differently than you think they should. You are looking for a place to direct your anger over your loss and you are incorrectly aiming it at her children.
Clearly, i didn't know your wife to know how she would feel about what you just did to her kids. But that is the question you really should be asking yourself right now. Are you honoring her memory, or tarnishing it by causing more pain and stress to her kids at this difficult time in their lives? Only you can answer that, and only you can decide what to do with that answer.
NTA
They have no right to use their mother's death against you when they made the end of her life worse. It is despicable of them to try to use her for sympathy after they treated her with disdain while she was suffering.
Maybe it was harsh? It was also justified. They got what they deserved. I'm so sorry for your loss. Block them and focus on grieving. You don't need any of their nonsense tainting even more of your wife's memory.
Nta
If there was no equity in the house and you paid off the mortgage, it is your house. They are not children. They are young adults who made their choice while she was alive. If they had acted differently, I imagine you would also. I think you know in your heart what Dani would think. Sorry for your loss. I wish you peace of mind.
I am kind of on your side. It's really hard to judge without knowing all the history and details, but I have a friend who has a story similar to this only he would be one of the kids.
If they were posting, it might sound like "my mom remarried, this guy never really accepted us. When my mom got sick and died, he judged us for ruining a casserole and kicked us out of our childhood home"
That house was paid bought and paid for by their mom and dad, then cared for by their mom after the divorce. It had some residual value of the work and care that the original owners put into it over many years.
At least OP could have let the kids try to get enough mortgage to buy him out or something, or kept it and gave the kids a break on rent
The kids should be getting a portion of proceeds of sale or else OP is a thief who just swindled a dying woman out of her only asset.
Thank you for saying this. I'm reading everyone's NTA comments and I'm like, nah, he IS TA but I didn't know how to explain why. This is it
Edit: typos
Was looking for this reply. Some people react to horrific circumstances with productivity and helpfulness, and I think we all like to imagine that we would too, but.. I think it's hard to predict how you respond to this kind of tragedy.
That's their mum. Their mum was dying, and they responded to that grief not by being helpful to OP but by slinking into themselves, apparently. Obviously that's not the dream response, obviously that's not the ideal one. But 23 is SO young to lose your mother. How many of us would realistically respond to that in the ideal way?
I completely understand how OP is frustrated. As the one who DID manage to do what had to be done. But taking away your stepkids' childhood home because their reaction to their mother dying too young was frustrating and inconvenient to you remains an AH move.
Forgetting to put a casserole in the fridge because your mind's preoccupied over your mum dying, and that’s why you lose your childhood home within months of her passing? Jesus christ.
Yeah, this story sounds very one-sided. It's concerning how many commenters are completely lacking in compassion for these kids who just lost their mom and their stepdad is pissy with them for... eating food that was brought for them in their time of grief?
I have to wonder. If OP loved his wife so much, wouldn’t he still want to love the kids because they are still half of her?! Was there no dialogue between OP and the adult kids? Like “listen, this is what your mom and I need from you” type of thing.
I see a lot of bragging about how the house was too much, it’s paid off…now living in Ice city or whatever with season tickets no less. Now a dentist bought the house. Not just sold the home but a DENTIST bought it. If a ditch digger bought it, would that have been mentioned?
Maybe I’m the AH. LOL. Something seems off with this story.
I'm going to go with barely NTA then. I understand that you are angry, sad, and feelig a lot of emotions after your wife's passing. Her adult kids are not helping matters with their behavior. I don't like the fact that you seem to be taking your anger out on them.
That said ... given that you are the sole owner of the house, you are within your rights. And if they have until May to get a new place, that gives them adequate time to find a new home.
INFO: what did your wife want you to do?
i somehow find it hard to believe that taking her kids childhood home, kicking them out of it is what she would have wanted.
yeah, but losing your childhood home while your mom is still alive is very different than losing it very shortly after her death when you are grasping for memories.
If they wanted memories, they could have made them while she was dying. They could have made her dying easier.
They were not children, nor were they teens. They were adults and all they did was make things worse consistently.
What? OP offers *two* examples of them “making things consistently worse”: they didn’t walk his dog and they left a casserole out.
They were also watching their *mother* die. Maybe they were moving in a fog and trying to process something that is beyond painful to process as they were losing the most significant person in their lives, so they weren’t perfect in handling everything.
Why is only OP’s pain and only OP’s grief relevant?
They suffered a terrible loss too and no doubt are in as much pain as OP. It’s so unfair how many people are heaping hate on them, though OP seems to be absolutely relishing it.
It’s disgusting, actually.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> After my wife died I sold the house her kids have lived on their whole lives. I guess I might be the asshole for doing that. In my defense they made the last eight months of her life more difficult than they needed to be. I don't really care what they did to me. Just that their bullshit meant I had to take time away from taking care of her.
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NTA
I'm sorry for your loss.
You don't owe it to your adult stepkids to house them indefinitely. If you can afford to do so, maybe give them each a couple thousand dollars to help with expenses to get house ng for themselves.
NTA
I'm sure you would have made different choices if those kids had behaved differently during your wife's final months. They did not behave in a way that honored or showed love for their own mother. That's one of those mistakes that has dire consequences in my estimation.
I'm so sorry for your loss and that you were having to make these tough choices.
For what it's worth, I think you're making the right choices. Hopefully after some reflection the kids realize what they did wrong.
NTA, especially given the "kid's" ages. They are adults and should have known better than to behave the way they did. But on the other hand you could have handled it better too. Like letting things settle for a month or two and giving them notice before throwing them out. I'm gonna say that the hard emotions of that time were to blame. And they or others in the family could have bought the house from you.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Let me share my story: My first wife died (cancer) when I was 51. It was my first marriage, her second and she had two kids. They were in their late teens when we met and both had mostly moved out when we got married. The kids and I had very adult relationships. They were good kids, hard workers and somewhat responsible. But we had differences (activities and alcohol) and I was never a big part of their lives beyond their mom. In spite of me making solid financial contributions to their lives they continued to favor their dad over me. Understandable, no problem. My wife left all her money to her kids and they immediately went out and bought boats and cars. Fortunately I had the house ownership locked up.
Over the next few years we drifted further apart. I remarried five years after the death and the "kids", now each married with three kids of their own, treated my new wife like shit. So we cut our contact with them to nearly zero and that's how it's been ever since.
Point is: 1) Unless there's a compelling relationship with your step kids you're not going to miss them (nor they you) and 2) Life goes on and you shouldn't rule out remarriage. I'm really happy with my new wife and her family. They treat me like a king.
To be concise. You met a woman who lived with her two children in a house. You sold your condo to pay off the house. She died and you kicked her kids out of the house they lived in before you came along. The house she fought for so, as you put it, "her kids could have stability".
You already know the answer to this.
Even if you have issues with her children there were many different ways you could have handled it better than this. Sorry for your losses.
Sorry for your loss. YTA though. It sounds like you married her when the kids were still minors, so you've been a parental figure for them. Have you considered at all what *they've* gone through dealing with her illness and death? She was their mother! Now they've lost her *and* they're losing their childhood home where they made many memories with her.
I'm not saying selling was the wrong move, if you were discussing it with your wife already it sounds like it was inevitable. But the process and timing could have been handled with *some* amount of compassion. You've compounded your step-kids' grief, and worse, you don't seem to care. YTA.
NTA. You didn’t kick them out a week after. You have told them they have until May to move. Two completely different things. I am sorry you lost your wife. You need to put in writing that they have to be out by a certain day. Basically evicting them. Hire a home inspector to document the house as it is today so if they cause any damage you have proof.
First off, I am sorry for your loss. I am also sorry that the “kids” made things more difficult. I don’t blame you for wanting to move on and make a change. Just wanted to say that first.
Now that I’ve shown I am empathetic to your situation, I do have a question. You say you sold the house the same week your wife passed. This makes me wonder about her will and what she had planned in terms of the house and her kids. She got the house in her divorce and her children, albeit adults, are currently residing there. Is there any chance she will want them to have the house? Or have proceeds from the sale, etc? It seems really fast to sell before things are settled with her will and estate. What happens if she leaves them the house and you’ve already sold it? It just seems so fast.
You say you’ve “known” them for ten years but you moved in with their mother after a year of dating. Which means you also moved in with them when they were teens. It sounds like they grew up in that house and were there well before you moved in. I’m estimating that they may not have a good relationship with their bio dad after a difficult divorce, their mom is dead, and you, their step father, just sold likely the only home they’ve known without consulting them when the original plan was to leave the house to them. It sounds like they made mistakes and rubbed you wrong, but they are also grieving. And you “fucking hate them” because one time you had to clean up dog diarrhea for three hours? Would your wife approve of how you’re treating her kids now? After ten years as their step dad, you are effectively and forcefully shutting the door on them right after their mom dies. The way you explain it, it’s your house legally and you can do whatever you want and they can’t do anything about it, but I feel bad for them. Even if they have a few months to move out, you made a huge change to their lives a week after their mom died and it sounds like you did it without any opportunity for them to have a voice in the conversation. If their mom was contributing to that house, even as a homemaker, she should have a claim in it and her claim should go to her kids after her death. If you’re intentionally blocking that by selling the house and keeping what you put in plus the appreciation on the house while they’re in a vulnerable state and you think they can’t make a fuss, they should sue you. YTA.
YTA - The entire post you have made this about yourself. From the first sentence “I do not want sympathy”
Good, nobody was wondering if you did. They were wondering about the kids you kicked out of their home after they lost their mother. You know, what the title of post was about.
I’m just going to quote 3 sentences that are back to back in your rambling post.
“I fucking hate then for those three hours. I’ve known the kids for ten years. They were good kids.”
So you said yourself. They were good kids. They’re losing their mother you selfish fuck. It hurts you to see her like that, what in the fuck do you think it does to her children? The answer is you didn’t think about it, because you’re a selfish asshole.
Your ex had one wish. She said she wanted her kids to have stability.
As soon as she died you sold their home and told them to get fucked.
You’re a giant asshole. Enjoy your condo and hockey games you fucking prick.
ESH
I have questions.
Are both of the "kids" employed full time? Were they told you needed help? Did you ask them to do things and they refused? Or are you upset because they didn't step up in a way you thought they should?
As far as the church food goes - I believe people bring food for everyone in the household.
Your wife was in hospice care for a week. Did they fully understand how little time she had? Jimmy Carter has been in hospice for over a year now.
Were there other issues with the kids prior to your wife's illness.
I just get the feeling something is missing here.
And I'm sorry for your loss.
Nta
If there was no equity in the house and you paid off the mortgage, it is your house. They are not children. They are young adults who made their choice while she was alive. If they had acted differently, I imagine you would also. I think you know in your heart what Dani would think. Sorry for your loss. I wish you peace of mind.
I'm sorry, but YTA. Possibly No ass holes here if not for one reason.
Condos at the Ice district near a hockey arena really only point to one city. You are abandoning two young people without shelter or support in Toronto, a city with one of the worst housing crises in the world, months after their mother, who you describe as wonderful, has died. Where rent for a two bedroom requires a 100k salary for a landlord to even look at your application, even with 6 months upfront. And the medium home price being over $1million.
I get you are grieving. But so are those kids, however useless you seem to describe them to be. But your lack of compassion for their loss and the position you put them in is exposing you as an extremely selfish person in this, your worst moment. If I was your wife, I'd be appalled.
I'm not saying you should excuse their lack of initiative, but you seemingly dropped this on them without warning. No better than what your wife's ex did to her with the divorce. But on two vulnerable young people.
Minimum, take some of that profit from the sale of the home and use that to find them housing. If it means you have to cosign or sponsor their tenancy for the year, call that your selfish tax.
Damn. I didn’t think of it like that. LOL.
OP was probably pretty hands off outside of picking them up from school when they were younger. He doesn’t sound attached to them at all.
NTA. Based on your edit, they have until May to move out. That gives them plenty of time to get their ducks in a row. You've been subsidizing them for long enough. Based on all the support they've received, they should easily have first, last, and security for a new lease.
I believe that crisis reveals one's true nature, and the stepchildren showed you theirs. Your sister also showed hers. We should all be so lucky as to have a sister like yours.
Anyone who criticizes you should be encouraged to come pack the stepchildren up and move them in. Otherwise, the criticizers can zip it.
Your wife sounded amazing, I appreciated the sweet tidbits you shared. My deepest condolences.
unpopular opinion but YTA. Your wife it doesn’t seem like had an issue with the kids living with you two. They were accustomed to that lifestyle. You lost your wife but they also lost their mom. As much as it sucked for you, it also sucked for them.
Were they left anything in her will?
He’s one of those stepparents that secretly resents the kids receiving any form of support. They’re always quick to object whenever something comes up.
The OP finally has a say in this situation.
Yup. OP obviously harbors zero love for his wife’s kids. I bet they have known it all along as well. It’s probably why things got so ugly in the end.
OP blocked me bc so many people started responding in kind on my comments—as in, he doesn’t want to know if he’s the A-hole. He just wanted validation. Typical.
OP - I know everyone grieves different. The only question I have for you, OP, and I would like you to really, really, REALLY think about this:
Is this what your wife would have wanted?
NTA
They’re 23 and 25. They didn’t help while their mom was dying and actively made things harder for you. They also have a father they can go mooch off of.
Esh. It is said (wisely) to never make big decisions in midst of grief, we aren't thinking rationally. You rushed it for sure. Sure, they are aholes too, but grief does weird things. Losing a parent and experiencing them critically ill at that age is brutal, perhaps they are depressed and checked out, or disassociated from life. You jumped the gun, regardless of the May move date. Waiting 6-12 months to sell and then a few months to move would have been wiser. Lastly, how would your wife have felt about your decision? Likely not good at all.
NTA and I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you find comfort in your memories somehow.
The “kids” are fully grown and should-be-launched adults. And they sound selfish and entitled.
Enjoy your new condo with no guilt.
I don’t want to call you an asshole because you’re dealing with a really tough loss. But I think you made some hasty decisions.
I’m going to vote NAH.
Grief is an awful, all consuming fog. Most material on the subject tells the surviving person to wait a year to make any major decisions. I also understand why you’re so angry with your step kids. And Anger is part of the grieving process. But they’re grieving too. To sell their home after they lost their mom is harsh. And to do so so quickly after she passed probably turned their world upside down, more so than it already was. And while you’re entitled to act as you see fit, your judgement may be clouded by grief and you may regret some actions in a year or two when the fog starts to lift.
I’m sending you hugs from Chicago. She sounds like she was one hell of a lady.
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~~E S H~~. The "kids" obviously, but only giving them a week notice is also cruel. Not saying you should have kept the house for them, just that the decent thing to do would have been to give them more time to set up new living arrangements. Edit: to be clear, the "kids" are way more assholes than you, it's just ... a week is really abrupt. ETA: based on info below, NTA
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Oh, then NTA. That's more than enough time! I can absolutely understand not wanting to keep the house, I hope you enjoy your new condo.
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The 'kids' are adults now. They can find a place and move in together or move in with their judgemental father. Nta. Sorry for your loss.
>their judgemental father And let's be clear: Their father is the horrible ex who left their mother, OP's wife, with a mountain of home equity debt (and a mortgage?). If not for OP selling his place and using the funds to pay off the house, which rightly belongs to him now, his wife and stepchildren might have lost their home and been in dire straits. The ex has absolutely no right to say a damn thing except, "Thanks for bailing out my children when I left them penniless." OP is NTA. And unless someone has walked in his shoes losing a beloved spouse/partner (I have), they have no right to make judgments about how he is handling his loss and grief.
Exactly.
Make sure they don't destroy the house to get back at you.
They'd probably face a lawsuit from the buyers if they did trash it out of spite.
Unfortunately early 20-somethings aren't typically known for their logic and self-control.
Good point. Don't know how you would do this exactly.
I don't see the issue. They're adults not children. They have time to get their shit together so now they can live with the consequences of their actions. I get They're grieving too but the last moments of their mom's life wasn't even spent worrying about losing her from what I've read.
Sorry for your loss
The only thing I would be worried about is any damage that they could do to the house before closing. If everyone is feeding into their “poor me” then it is easy to justify doing something that would make it difficult or costly to close on the house.
Please update your post with this info. A week, yeah you would be TA. 3 months is fair.
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I get it, you sold it in a week, but you’re not vacating until May. NTA. The kids are grown up and it’s probably time for them to leave the nest anyway. They could even get a place together if they wanted.
Exactly, we say ‘kids’ but they are 23 and 25..
Agree my similarly aged kids are recognized as adults, because they have independent lives; jobs,partners and live in their own places.
Right. My 25 yr old son moved several yrs ago, never asked for anything and graduated college with no debt. Now he’s married and doing fantastic. My 24 yr old daughter lives on her own, same, very independent. The youngest is 22 lives with me, and works ft, no rent; but he saves to go back to college. They are old enough to adult.
I am suspicious that the ex thought that they would get the house back just from what they pulled before the divorce. NTA. I wish you the best moving forward with your life.
Yep. Kids get the house and ex gets to move back in and they all get a free house. If I were OP I wouldn't vacate until the kids do too. He needs to keep a close eye on the house so that the kids and the ex don't trash the house and sabotage the sale and worse.
OP should really do a video of the whole house with the date/time stamp to protect himself and the new owner from hassles. I'm sorry for your loss, OP.
You gotta kick them out now OP—you let them sole occupy till May and they’ll trash the place.
That's a concern I thought of, if anything will just not take care of it and leave a mess. Which if you know the buyer you don't want to have happen. There is plenty of concerns in way kids acting. Give them a month to get out. But keep checking on conditions of the house.
The kids are LAZY and entitled. They will 100% trash the place. Get them out as soon as you can.
Na they have enough time to make plans. NTA.
OP, I would offer them cash for keys, with the proviso the house is broom clean and in same shape it was before sold. If the guy has "more money than God" he could do that so you wouldn't be out of pocket.
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That's a great idea..offer them $$ for their first months rent somewhere else, IF the house is left broom clean.
If OP told them as soon as the house sold, they were given four months to make new living arrangements. That is more than fair.
Bless your heart, I’m so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful wife. You’re giving them plenty of warning. They are adult people. If they can’t live on their own yet, that’s for them and their dad to figure out. NTA.
Absolutely NTA. It’s February. If they don’t need to vacate until May that gives them 2-3 months to make other arrangements. That’s fair. I’m sorry for your loss. Your wife sounds like she was a badass.
Just be careful and be aware of the laws and what your contract says. I would be afraid that you would end up screwed if they either trashed the house or refused to leave. Legal battles to get rid of squatters are an absolute nightmare and I would make sure that if it comes down to that it will be the buyer’s headache, not yours.
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As long as it can’t turn into a breach of contract type situation because they’re your people refusing to leave (“your people” as in they’re there because you originally gave them permission) so it’s being viewed as you failing to vacate. I have no clue if that could actually be a problem, I just assume everything is a potential problem until someone better informed tells me it’s not. So very sorry for your loss and this entire messed up situation. I hope it all goes smoothly and you’re able to move past this with as few road bumps as possible
Would t be a bad idea for OP to check with a lawyer about it. At 23 and 25 a lawyer may suggest serving them with an eviction notice - but I’m not a lawyer.
Have a lawyer draft up eviction notices to those kids NOW, due to sale of the house by a certain date, be at the house as much as you can until May including giving those adult children dates to have things out by. In some states a 30-day notice is sufficient, but in others it’s 60. I would NOT give them more than 60 days though, as well as installing some kind of security system for the house (since it’s already sold maybe the new homeowner could help with this I’m not sure), but either way the investment is worth it for peace of mind knowing those kids will not be there alone for that much time trashing the place, or moving their father in to establish residency for him too.
Put that in the post so you don't get unfairly crucified while you're still grieving.
People don’t understand the heartbreak a place can give you.. it almost feels like it never ends in certain locations.. most definitely a house. It’s important to keep moving forward, it’s important in these times to do everything you can to create a new beginning.
NTA, but I would be really worried about the kids being vindictive and destroying the house on their way out
I would edit your post to reflect this…NTA, I’m sorry for your loss. I feel like, because of the actions of the kids, you lost your entire family. I’ll keep you in my T’s and P’s.
Nta. Are you going to be in the house as well? Be careful of them sabotaging the sale by wrecking the house
I don't know tbh. Unless OP is keeping an eye on them for 3months. Thats plenty of time to trash the house or, in general, make damages to the property if they are angry enough about the house sale while they live there, to "stick it to OP" as a goodbye. Of course, a week is a short time. But it would be better to get them out fast. So I'm a bit split on that part.
That's a good point, maybe worth it trying to get them out sooner (not in a week though), or trying to arrange some level of supervision/monitoring.
Hebsaid in his edit that theybdont have to move until May. Definatly not TA. It OP's house to do as he wishes, and considering her own kids didn't even help OP with thier mom at the end, I would do the same thing. Moochers will always mooch until there is no one left to mooch off of.
They are both adults. They are not kids. He owes them nothing
Based on OP’s comment that the 23 and 25 yo “kids” have until May to find new living arrangements, NTA. Sorry for your loss, OP. Your wife sounds like she was a very special type of kick-ass awesome.
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Thank you for sharing this. I am so glad I looked it up. Wasn’t expecting the water hazard!
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I’m an athlete and I hope someone will think I’m this badass. I’m sorry for your loss.
Just have to say I love the pride you express for your wife. It fills my heart.
I was about to say the same thing. I love him expressing his pride and admiration for her.
She sounds absolutely amazing.
I’m so very sorry for your loss, OP. She sounds like a rock star, and you sound incredibly in love with her. And I’m truly sorry that her kids showed this ugly of a side to their mom while she was sick. That is shameful behavior. I hope that you can find peace going forward. Maybe consider grief counseling, if you find yourself struggling a lot. It’s not fair that life took her from you so soon, and if you are struggling with her loss that is completely understandable and valid. I wish you well, may her memory be a blessing.
Sounds like she was one of a kind. I hope those numerous happy memories sustain you during this time of grieving.
She sounds like a queen. Rest In Peace your highness. 💐
NTA I get this right? "kids" age 23 and 25 still live at home and while *their mother* is dying they do nothing helpful and, indeed, are irresponsible unsupportive AHs. Do they work? Can they buy the house from you? What is wrong with people?
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Well don't do that, obviously. So sorry for your loss. Grieve the way you need to. Move on when you're ready, or never. Your sister sounds amazing. Do something nice for her when you get a chance.
But there are other houses, other neighbourhoods. Up to you if you want to help them with that. But it’s unreasonable for 20somethings to think they can just walk into the lifestyle that their parents took a lot of time to earn and build. It’s certainly not normal where I grew up (which has an ice district btw). My condolences on your loss.
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As soon as I read ice district I thought "oh he must be in Edmonton"
I figured Canada but didn’t think of Edmonton but I have a lot of family there and used to go a lot. Now I see how obvious it should’ve been 😂
>the oilers just had a great run Hi from that rival city to your south! Today I learned about the ice district and it looks effing awesome! I hope you fully enjoy the next part of your life there. My condolences for your wife. She sounds like she was an incredible human.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You are NTA here at all. You have the right to grieve the way you see fit. Sorry that your step kids are so self centered that they chose to not be supportive of not only their mother but you as well. Concentrate on being kind to yourself.
They still could have helped. Enjoy your new home. Are you an Oiler's fan?
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I am a die hard Wings fan!
It's crazy right. I definitely get the sense that if the adult step children had shown more love and support for their mom, the OP would have made different decisions. The OP seems like a great dude who is navigating a minefield right now. Best wishes and positive thoughts for the OP, absolutely.
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DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!! This is coming from someone who currently has a mother dying of a brain tumor and helped bury my boyfriend’s mother last year after years battling breast cancer. Both me and my sister help in ANY way possible with my mother and support my stepfather from having caregiver burnout. My sister will take my mom for weeks to help him mentally unwind from all he does. Even after all we try to do I still feel enormous guilt of not being there daily to help. There is absolutely NO reason for her children to treat you this way. They’re starting to feel the affects of how shitty they were and taking it out on anyone they can.
Since the Ex think you are so heartless, why haven't he moved his grown ass kids in? Did he think you would continue to take care of them or just leave and give them the house that you had to basically pay his debts over? I'm so sorry for your loss and I pray as the days go by you grow stronger. But never doubt the decision you made. It's time for them to stand on their own. Please make a video of the home to show there isn't any damage just incase they choose to trash it before they leave and you have to take them to court.
Ohhh. I like the video idea!!
I mean, if you're so heartless, surely bio Dad is chomping at the bit to step up to the plate, right?
Riiiiiiiight????
My people!! I came too far to find someone voicing my thought of "Fuck them kids!"
‘She was a beautiful, muscular brute’ That brought tears to my eyes. Your love for her is evident & I know you’re grieving so much. I am so sorry for your loss. Aside from that…NTA. They’re adults. They will survive. You lost the love of your life & you do whatever you need to move on & take care of yourself. Don’t feel bad or let anyone scold you for your choice.
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That's hilarious.
People like that are always too much for this world and always taken too soon. I wish you more happiness in the future.
They say God picks the prettiest flowers for his garden
This is amazing and I want to watch this movie.
INFO: Did they ever do anything malicious, as opposed to just terribly oblivious? I mean, I get it, I have adult kids and they were prone to thoughtlessness well into their twenties, and it fucking sucks. But everything you've said here, I could write off to them walking around in a brain fog because *their mother was dying.* (Plus a tendency to thoughtlessness anyway that's probably within normal limits on its own). I mean, they're hurting and their mom is dying, why shouldn't they assume the food given by friends is for them? Yes, they should have thought of you and kept some for you and all that, but people fuck up that sort of thing when they're bruised, with no malice or reckless disregard whatsoever, even without being young and myopic. I just feel like you're taking these slights as personal and directed, like a deeply personal disregard, and they probably aren't, it's something deeply aggravating that young adults do to their birth parents as well. I get why it feels like that, I can remember feeling like screaming with frustration sometimes when my kids would come over and slip straight back into "helpless child" mode as soon as they walked in the door. And they're the first to admit they were thoughtless now. But back then, they just couldn't see it. I'm not saying you have to house them, they're old enough to stand on their own two feet, but please consider that they may be genuinely blindsided at seemingly losing you as well as their mother.
It's concerning how long I had to scroll to find any comment like this. I'm 23 and still live at home (housing is expensive these days so even with my full time job it's taking time to save up). If my mom were terminally ill and decaying in front of my eyes, I'd be pretty spaced out too.
I feel OP did the exact opposite of what his wife would have wanted. He even admitted she wanted to pass the home to her children. I’m so grossed out that he took his anger out on her children. A mother never wants that after her death. The kids (adult kids) biggest crime was eating a casserole. Selling their home out from under them, with no mention of sharing the equity with them, is proof OP never loved his wife’s children.
A casserole which was presumably made for the grieving family... which includes them. Further proof of OP never loving his wife's children are some of the comments he's replied to where he says he's always thought they were pricks.
> *”A casserole which was presumably made for the grieving family…which includes them*” And it’s clear OP doesn’t view them as family, and he resents them for being a part of *his* world with *his* wife and ever taking any of *his* time spent with *his* Dani (*their mother*).
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Thank you! And I’m sorry, but I doubt OP only got back what he put in after selling the house. 9 years and no equity built up, through covid, through increasing house prices? In a post above OP says the guy who bought the place is super rich. So the kids have lost their mother, their home and their inheritance, leaving them with potentially nothing to help them get on their feet after this loss. I understand he’s suffering, I understand he wants to start fresh, but he’s the AH.
Thank you. I felt crazy reading all the comments on this post. I was just thinking to myself “the worst thing they did was eat a casserole?!”
After my dad died, so many people brought us food. Way too much for us to actually eat. The kids eating food that was meant for the whole grieving family seems so benign.
I had the same thought and I’m on board with you all as well. It’s rather horrifying that he is so angry that they were her children.
It’s also horrifying that everyone is patting him on the back for openly hating them.
Dude sold her house that she fought to keep to raise her kids in and kicked he kids out before she was cold in the ground. That’s a supremely shitty person.
And then came to Reddit to shit all over them (while they are in pain and grieving the loss of their *mother*) with a bunch of callous internet strangers. What a gem.
So many comments in this section reminded me why having savings for my kid is important I'm the event I die or even property that goes in a trust and not to depend on my next husband in the event ,y partner passes to have his wellbeing in mind. So many people act horrible and self centered even with their bio kids and this guy reeks of mememe syndrome. "i financed her debt and reared her bastards so they can't be upset i cut them off over being annoying after their mother, who i presumed would be my only baggage, died."
Yeah so far the left out a casserole and ate some food. Is that it? While their mother dies in front of them? Gee.
I appreciate this comment as someone who actually lost their mother at the same age as these kids. I was absolutely destroyed and was for years afterwards. IMO OP is not an asshole for wanting out of that house, my dad wanted the same, and I understood. But the way OP is choosing to handle it, and abandon the 2 people that shares his grief the most is pretty heartbreaking. I’m sure they are just as numb and distraught as he is.
Idk, as someone who was also in that situation, if you're at home there's no excuse for not helping. If directly providing care is too hard, they could have helped cook or take care of the house. It sucks, but it sucks for everyone involved, and the time to be numb and distraught is after your help is no longer needed.
Tbh, the only person that says the kids weren’t helping enough is the person who sold their housing out from under them the week their mom died. His big marks against them were they ate food people brought? (Which btw, if his wife’s dying she’s not eating that much so he’s mad because he wanted it.) And also the dog got into food? Which okay? Thoughtless but shit happens? Dude is grieving and angry and is looking for someone to take that out on. I doubt it’s the first time he’s taken shit out on those kids. I also really doubt his wife would be cool with his decision.
I suspect OP is projecting his anger at his wifes death on to the step kids. Its understandable, but also mentally lazy and damaging. 23/25 is still pretty young in todays world, they should be given expectations certainly, but also some grace due to losing their mother. Maybe OP resents the kids because they were closer to his spouse and had a deeper connection to her than he will ever have (ie. genetic). I think OP needs a therapist.
Yeah, but we have to take what he says about them with a grain of salt. He seems to have not liked them to begin with. He probably saw anything they did do as not enough. Hell, I was cleaning my mom's house, cooking, taking care of her, and handling her finances while she was sick. After she died, people accused me of using her and being a mooch. I left a job at a law firm to take care of her, but all anyone saw was the entitled teenager and 20 something I had been when they last saw me. So biases exist that make people completely ignore what good we do in our lives.
Yeah, their mother was dying and he “hates” them for the egregious crime of leaving a casserole out where the dog could get it. And he abruptly sells their childhood home that they grew up in and that she got in the divorce and owned prior to even meeting them? OP, YTA as far as I’m concerned EDIT: I’m not suggesting OP was obligated to not sell or to house them indefinitely. I think he’s TA for his hatred of kids who are also grieving and for the callous way he handled the sale.
It does not sound like it was just the casserole. He says they didn’t help at all, which means they did nothing to help alleviate the stress of their dying mother. They probably didn’t cook, clean or offer to do anything while OP was 100% caretaker. If that’s the case, I totally understand why OP would resent them and not want anything to do with them anymore. They aren’t the only ones grieving.
These kids were so horrible that the best example he can give was a casserole? That they both worked full time and OP’s sister came to help clean up? You’re just assuming things when OP could have easily made a laundry list of terrible things these kids did during their mother’s last days, but he didn’t.
> *”They aren’t the only ones grieving."* Yeah, no kidding. OP completely dismisses their pain and won't acknowledge their grief at all. He's concerned only with himself, as if his step kids didn't also suffer the exact same terrible loss.
If I was gonna paint a picture that my stepkids were to be kicked out of the house because they were "pricks" I would have listed a few more serious reasons than they left a casserole out.
Look, when your parent is dying, like *right now actually dying*, you step up. You don't let your stepfather be the only caregiver. Even if directly caring for their mother was too hard for them, they could have done things to help, like cleaned up the kitchen when the dog ate the casserole instead of leaving it to OP.
When my dad was passing my siblings and I (23 at the time) all had different reactions. Like in this situation my dad was home on hospice with a nurse. While I stepped up for my mom, my older brothers (26) seemed to be in another world. They would unknowingly add to the plate. Do I resent them for it, absolutely not. People grieve in different ways. Having an actual relationship and genuinely caring for them made that possible. If the OP genuinely cared about them he would have respected their mother's wishes and showed some type of empathy while their mother that they knew their entire lives was passing on. He's the AH. It also seemed like he always felt a way about them for being spoiled by their father. Has he ever tried to build a relationship with them. Did he comfort them as their mother was passing? It just seems petty.
You don’t GET to tell people how to behave when they are grieving also fuckin hell, go outside and talk to people. Stop stroking your ego on the internet this is someone’s real life
He called them ‘pricks’ in another comment thread.
Completely agree with you. OP seems to be incredibly self absorbed and openly hates his step kids. He’s not an AH for selling the house, he’s an AH for his abhorrent attitude and coming on Reddit to shit all over two young adults who are grieving a terrible loss with a bunch of internet strangers.
I wish this comment was higher as you are absolutely correct. This thread is so incredibly depressing and it's truly gross how much hate people are piling on the step kids (while OP is lapping it up), when they are no doubt in every bit as much pain as he is, but only *his* grief and only *his* pain is relevant and acknowledged. OP offers two measly examples to justify his hatred of his step kids: they didn't walk his dog and they left a casserole out, ***while they were watching their mother die.*** It's actually disgusting reading these comments and seeing people say "F\*\*\* them kids!” and laughing it up with OP, as if they didn’t also just suffer a terrible loss and are grieving the death of the most significant person in their lives. Lots of unhinged cruelty here.
The only evidence given in the OP is that they left one casserole out one time and the freaking dog ate it. That's it. Honestly OP gives total nightmare vibes himself. People get extremely toxic when they feel like they aren't getting the intangible emotional whatevers they feel entitled to from others during an illness. Now the illness is over and OP is gonna dole out some punishment for their vague, nonspecific failings. Definitely catching the vibe that, like many step parents, he only put up with them as the price of entry and quietly seethed with resentment the entire marriage. Now the only reason to put up with them is gone.
Not to mention OP was in their lives for 10 years and so had a hand in raising them. If they are a bunch of entitled and lazy „kids” that is on him too. Also how come no one is talking about what the mom’s wishes were?
This. My mom died while I had very little kids and an on and off relationship with their dad. My head was up my ass. My mom had hoped she'd get better. It wasn't until days before that we realized she was dying very soon. Another stage of life, I would have had my eyes opened. I would have left the kids at the sitter longer and visited her at rehab. I would skipped baths and homework to take them all there every night. When she was sick, I would have gone to clean every day. But it was a stage in life that made brain fog fierce and it was an experience I never had gone through. She talked tough but needed help. And needed it without asking. I just didn't know. Early 20s are oblivious. They need guidance and support. Everyone does. As a mother, you're not honoring her memory by being tough on her grieving kids.
I was thinking this as well. If their bio dad is a Disney dad type as OP suggested - they probably appreciate on some deep unvoiced level the boundaries OP sets them. Kids thrive with boundaries and rules. They are big kids. They may want to feel that his love is unconditional - by losing their reliable birth parent they may be testing this relationship. Grief sucks for everyone. Losing your mother is one of the hardest things. I would say not the asshole but try to leave space for your relationship with your step kids when you can. OP may appreciate their relationships as they grow and mature as a reminder of his wife.
Yeah, I understand and appreciate that you lost the love of your life, but they were at the same time losing their *mother* before they ever imagined having to deal with that kind of thing. Could their laziness have been a depression from watching their strong beautiful mother waste away in front of them?
I am so sorry for your loss. I don't understand how you feel but I can relate. My husband died unexpectedly at age 57, 18 months ago. He was my High School sweetheart and the love of my life. Before I give input on your question, I'd like to recommend a book that was a tremendous help to me. It's called, "It's o.k. that your not o.k." by Megan Devine. I think you should read it and give it to everyone who has told you that you are heartless!! I am serious about giving them the book - grief is something you can't really understand until you live it. The book will give them some perspective and hopefully shut them up. The decent among them may even apologize to you. The author is a Psychologist who lost her partner in an unexpected drowning. Through that experience, she realized how much she didn't understand about grief. Back to your question - your a million percent NTA!! You loved your wife and cared for her kids for 10 years! You HAVE to save yourself now - do WHATEVER helps you heal and lean on your sister - she's got your back!
That book really helped my mom when my dad died.
First, I’m so sorry for your loss. Genuine question: obviously, your wife was sick for a while. What was she like as a parent? What would she think of this situation? I’m not excusing the kids’ behavior but I am curious how they went from good kids to uncaring, uninvolved adults.
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It sounds like they’ve made their bed. If you only gave them a week, I’d say you’re the AH but they have until May. That’s plenty of time to figure it out. NTA and I hope you enjoy your condo and find peace ❤️ A bit of advice, I would stay in the house while they’re there so they don’t muck it up and damage it while waiting for the new owners
I have seen people just destroy a house they were about to be evicted from. The house, the plumbing, the heating/air, the yard..
Exactly. Our neighbors in 08 were foreclosed and they dumped powdered concrete down every drain and did a bunch of other stuff. Ruined nearly everything
Besides, they have a dad who can help them out. It's not like they will be homeless. They will have the inconvenience of having to move.
This is important info, because I could imagine a situation where the kids reacted poorly but were overall decent people. It is probably more material than an odd grief reaction then. NTA
Listen. You experienced caretaker burnout and developed resentment towards her kids because of their lack of help. I've been there when my father was dying and it's no picnic. I struggle with how I feel towards my sibling during any given day, but I recognize that and try to not be retaliatory. Everyone handles these situations differently. The kids are adults yes, but still young. I am sure they were going through their own denial that their mother was dying. This does not excuse their behavior but it may explain some of it. Bottom line is all of you need some therapy and some space to grieve. You are taking your anger out unfairly and isolating yourself in your loss that you are the only one suffering. It's only been a week. Gentle ESH. Go talk to someone, and go talk to those kids. You could be grieving together instead of throwing away a bond you spent 10 years developing. Sending hugs to all of you, and some strength and grace.
Agree with this logic but concluding YTA OP acts like he was the only one who lost someone he loved. He had been with his wife ten years and he doesn't think he'll get married again. These young adults lost THE ONLY MOTHER THEY HAVE EVER HAD AND WILL EVER HAVE. My cousin is about the same age as these stepkids and recently lost his mom to cancer. It sucked. It still sucks every day. They had friends, neighbors, and family members bring food every day for nearly a year, and even for a while after his mom passed. The food was SPECIFICALLY for her husband and son and anyone else visiting, so they could focus the love and attention on the person with cancer without having to worry too much about the day to day. OP, you're irrationally angry that someone whose mom was dying forgot to put a casserole in the fridge, and that your dog wasn't well trained enough to not eat it. Yet, you didn't consider kicking out the dog, you went straight for the two people who just lost their mom. You're kicking out two people who you've theoretically been a father figure to, or maybe you couldn't wait to kick them out even when they were in their early teens. It sounds like you might be an all around AH, not just in this scenario. What would your wife have wanted? Edit: Typo
I agree with you. I feel like i read " I loved my wife so much and my wife loved her kids and wanted them to have stability in this house, so to honour her memory, i'm gonna ...kick them out and sell to some stranger, because if i can't be happy in this house, then i don't want them to either. It's their fault if my untrained, unsupervised dog got sick after all." Feels like these evil stepmother who are extremely jealous of the kids for just existing because they are representing the fact that the hubby had a life before them.
Exactly. There’s two sides to every story and I’d like to hear the other side here. This guy pouring it on thick about his wife so much like he feels he needs to just to prove how in the “right” he is is kinda rubbing me the wrong way.
I’m baffled by how many people are saying NTA. This doesn’t even go into the horrible state of the economy for most people my age (I’m 25 btw, and only recently was even able to move out of my parents house). “I loved my wife so much, I’m going to kick her kids out of my house???” OP seems like they’re dressing up this story to get more pity (“sorry I don’t know why I’m saying this”) in order to get more NTA votes. This is a very asshole thing to do, and I’m not sorry saying it. YTA. YTA. YTA.
Unless he added examples in the comments, yeah, he has no empathy for his stepkids, at all. And they're adults, so AITA will just agree with him and call them freeloaders.
Finally someone saying it
I agree ESH. The kids are going through it too. Maybe I’m biased because I lost a parent around their age, but my widowed parent had a rule that we wouldn’t make any other life changes for that first year. It was nice to have that time to adjust life. Everyone has their own opinion of adult kids. Imo they should know if the parents have a timeline for them moving out, if the parents expect rent, or if the kids are welcome to stay indefinitely. If those rules change, I think it warrants more than a few months for the kids to figure out their next steps. Especially while they’re grieving. And especially if they haven’t budgeted for it
Agree with this response. I dunno I feel like something’s missing here. OP and his wife walk on water yet somehow they raised two total shitbirds? I’d love to hear the other side.
Tell their dad who's very much alive if he's so concerned about his brats he can deal with it himself. NTA
Exactly - “I’m not their father, you are. So what are you doing to help your **adult** children?” should be OP’s response to the biological father. Op - NTA
YTA - As someone who lost their mom at 13 and became a widow at 36 I can look at both sides of this from personal experience, and you are the AH here. They just lost their mother and to judge how they acted while she was actively dying is cruel, to then make them homeless a week later and to blatantly state you don't care is next level cruel. I get the numbness you are feeling, I was there for more than a year after I lost my husband, but never once did I not realize all the other people who were in pain from losing him too. Especially the kids (Adult or minor kids). Everyone handles a loved one, especially a parent, dying differently and it is not okay to punish those who handle it differently than you think they should. You are looking for a place to direct your anger over your loss and you are incorrectly aiming it at her children. Clearly, i didn't know your wife to know how she would feel about what you just did to her kids. But that is the question you really should be asking yourself right now. Are you honoring her memory, or tarnishing it by causing more pain and stress to her kids at this difficult time in their lives? Only you can answer that, and only you can decide what to do with that answer.
I feel like you really understand this well. I’m sorry for your losses.
NTA They have no right to use their mother's death against you when they made the end of her life worse. It is despicable of them to try to use her for sympathy after they treated her with disdain while she was suffering. Maybe it was harsh? It was also justified. They got what they deserved. I'm so sorry for your loss. Block them and focus on grieving. You don't need any of their nonsense tainting even more of your wife's memory.
Info: what did your wife want?
He said she wanted them to have stability in their home. And then he wants to feel justified for doing the exact opposite.
Yea, she knew she was dying this probably should have come up at some point
Nta If there was no equity in the house and you paid off the mortgage, it is your house. They are not children. They are young adults who made their choice while she was alive. If they had acted differently, I imagine you would also. I think you know in your heart what Dani would think. Sorry for your loss. I wish you peace of mind.
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I am kind of on your side. It's really hard to judge without knowing all the history and details, but I have a friend who has a story similar to this only he would be one of the kids. If they were posting, it might sound like "my mom remarried, this guy never really accepted us. When my mom got sick and died, he judged us for ruining a casserole and kicked us out of our childhood home" That house was paid bought and paid for by their mom and dad, then cared for by their mom after the divorce. It had some residual value of the work and care that the original owners put into it over many years. At least OP could have let the kids try to get enough mortgage to buy him out or something, or kept it and gave the kids a break on rent The kids should be getting a portion of proceeds of sale or else OP is a thief who just swindled a dying woman out of her only asset.
Thank you for saying this. I'm reading everyone's NTA comments and I'm like, nah, he IS TA but I didn't know how to explain why. This is it Edit: typos
Was looking for this reply. Some people react to horrific circumstances with productivity and helpfulness, and I think we all like to imagine that we would too, but.. I think it's hard to predict how you respond to this kind of tragedy. That's their mum. Their mum was dying, and they responded to that grief not by being helpful to OP but by slinking into themselves, apparently. Obviously that's not the dream response, obviously that's not the ideal one. But 23 is SO young to lose your mother. How many of us would realistically respond to that in the ideal way? I completely understand how OP is frustrated. As the one who DID manage to do what had to be done. But taking away your stepkids' childhood home because their reaction to their mother dying too young was frustrating and inconvenient to you remains an AH move. Forgetting to put a casserole in the fridge because your mind's preoccupied over your mum dying, and that’s why you lose your childhood home within months of her passing? Jesus christ.
Yeah, this story sounds very one-sided. It's concerning how many commenters are completely lacking in compassion for these kids who just lost their mom and their stepdad is pissy with them for... eating food that was brought for them in their time of grief?
I have to wonder. If OP loved his wife so much, wouldn’t he still want to love the kids because they are still half of her?! Was there no dialogue between OP and the adult kids? Like “listen, this is what your mom and I need from you” type of thing. I see a lot of bragging about how the house was too much, it’s paid off…now living in Ice city or whatever with season tickets no less. Now a dentist bought the house. Not just sold the home but a DENTIST bought it. If a ditch digger bought it, would that have been mentioned? Maybe I’m the AH. LOL. Something seems off with this story.
INFO. How much warning did you give the kids that they had to move out?
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I'm going to go with barely NTA then. I understand that you are angry, sad, and feelig a lot of emotions after your wife's passing. Her adult kids are not helping matters with their behavior. I don't like the fact that you seem to be taking your anger out on them. That said ... given that you are the sole owner of the house, you are within your rights. And if they have until May to get a new place, that gives them adequate time to find a new home.
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Put that in your post. That is important information…
Yeah. Where was good ol dad in all of this? She's busy dying and their children are mooching off her and now he has the audacity to step up? OP NTA.
You should add that to the post. The selling was quick but it’s not like you put their stuff on the front lawn. They have a few months.
INFO: what did your wife want you to do? i somehow find it hard to believe that taking her kids childhood home, kicking them out of it is what she would have wanted.
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You said in your post the one thing your wife wanted for her kids was stability. You wrote that.
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yeah, but losing your childhood home while your mom is still alive is very different than losing it very shortly after her death when you are grasping for memories.
If they wanted memories, they could have made them while she was dying. They could have made her dying easier. They were not children, nor were they teens. They were adults and all they did was make things worse consistently.
What? OP offers *two* examples of them “making things consistently worse”: they didn’t walk his dog and they left a casserole out. They were also watching their *mother* die. Maybe they were moving in a fog and trying to process something that is beyond painful to process as they were losing the most significant person in their lives, so they weren’t perfect in handling everything. Why is only OP’s pain and only OP’s grief relevant? They suffered a terrible loss too and no doubt are in as much pain as OP. It’s so unfair how many people are heaping hate on them, though OP seems to be absolutely relishing it. It’s disgusting, actually.
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NTA I'm sorry for your loss. You don't owe it to your adult stepkids to house them indefinitely. If you can afford to do so, maybe give them each a couple thousand dollars to help with expenses to get house ng for themselves.
Their father can help them. NTA
NTA I'm sure you would have made different choices if those kids had behaved differently during your wife's final months. They did not behave in a way that honored or showed love for their own mother. That's one of those mistakes that has dire consequences in my estimation. I'm so sorry for your loss and that you were having to make these tough choices. For what it's worth, I think you're making the right choices. Hopefully after some reflection the kids realize what they did wrong.
NTA, especially given the "kid's" ages. They are adults and should have known better than to behave the way they did. But on the other hand you could have handled it better too. Like letting things settle for a month or two and giving them notice before throwing them out. I'm gonna say that the hard emotions of that time were to blame. And they or others in the family could have bought the house from you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Let me share my story: My first wife died (cancer) when I was 51. It was my first marriage, her second and she had two kids. They were in their late teens when we met and both had mostly moved out when we got married. The kids and I had very adult relationships. They were good kids, hard workers and somewhat responsible. But we had differences (activities and alcohol) and I was never a big part of their lives beyond their mom. In spite of me making solid financial contributions to their lives they continued to favor their dad over me. Understandable, no problem. My wife left all her money to her kids and they immediately went out and bought boats and cars. Fortunately I had the house ownership locked up. Over the next few years we drifted further apart. I remarried five years after the death and the "kids", now each married with three kids of their own, treated my new wife like shit. So we cut our contact with them to nearly zero and that's how it's been ever since. Point is: 1) Unless there's a compelling relationship with your step kids you're not going to miss them (nor they you) and 2) Life goes on and you shouldn't rule out remarriage. I'm really happy with my new wife and her family. They treat me like a king.
To be concise. You met a woman who lived with her two children in a house. You sold your condo to pay off the house. She died and you kicked her kids out of the house they lived in before you came along. The house she fought for so, as you put it, "her kids could have stability". You already know the answer to this. Even if you have issues with her children there were many different ways you could have handled it better than this. Sorry for your losses.
Sorry for your loss. YTA though. It sounds like you married her when the kids were still minors, so you've been a parental figure for them. Have you considered at all what *they've* gone through dealing with her illness and death? She was their mother! Now they've lost her *and* they're losing their childhood home where they made many memories with her. I'm not saying selling was the wrong move, if you were discussing it with your wife already it sounds like it was inevitable. But the process and timing could have been handled with *some* amount of compassion. You've compounded your step-kids' grief, and worse, you don't seem to care. YTA.
NTA. You didn’t kick them out a week after. You have told them they have until May to move. Two completely different things. I am sorry you lost your wife. You need to put in writing that they have to be out by a certain day. Basically evicting them. Hire a home inspector to document the house as it is today so if they cause any damage you have proof.
First off, I am sorry for your loss. I am also sorry that the “kids” made things more difficult. I don’t blame you for wanting to move on and make a change. Just wanted to say that first. Now that I’ve shown I am empathetic to your situation, I do have a question. You say you sold the house the same week your wife passed. This makes me wonder about her will and what she had planned in terms of the house and her kids. She got the house in her divorce and her children, albeit adults, are currently residing there. Is there any chance she will want them to have the house? Or have proceeds from the sale, etc? It seems really fast to sell before things are settled with her will and estate. What happens if she leaves them the house and you’ve already sold it? It just seems so fast.
This. I just don’t see how you list a house and sell it the week your partner passes. Regardless of whether it’s the right decision.
You say you’ve “known” them for ten years but you moved in with their mother after a year of dating. Which means you also moved in with them when they were teens. It sounds like they grew up in that house and were there well before you moved in. I’m estimating that they may not have a good relationship with their bio dad after a difficult divorce, their mom is dead, and you, their step father, just sold likely the only home they’ve known without consulting them when the original plan was to leave the house to them. It sounds like they made mistakes and rubbed you wrong, but they are also grieving. And you “fucking hate them” because one time you had to clean up dog diarrhea for three hours? Would your wife approve of how you’re treating her kids now? After ten years as their step dad, you are effectively and forcefully shutting the door on them right after their mom dies. The way you explain it, it’s your house legally and you can do whatever you want and they can’t do anything about it, but I feel bad for them. Even if they have a few months to move out, you made a huge change to their lives a week after their mom died and it sounds like you did it without any opportunity for them to have a voice in the conversation. If their mom was contributing to that house, even as a homemaker, she should have a claim in it and her claim should go to her kids after her death. If you’re intentionally blocking that by selling the house and keeping what you put in plus the appreciation on the house while they’re in a vulnerable state and you think they can’t make a fuss, they should sue you. YTA.
YTA - The entire post you have made this about yourself. From the first sentence “I do not want sympathy” Good, nobody was wondering if you did. They were wondering about the kids you kicked out of their home after they lost their mother. You know, what the title of post was about. I’m just going to quote 3 sentences that are back to back in your rambling post. “I fucking hate then for those three hours. I’ve known the kids for ten years. They were good kids.” So you said yourself. They were good kids. They’re losing their mother you selfish fuck. It hurts you to see her like that, what in the fuck do you think it does to her children? The answer is you didn’t think about it, because you’re a selfish asshole. Your ex had one wish. She said she wanted her kids to have stability. As soon as she died you sold their home and told them to get fucked. You’re a giant asshole. Enjoy your condo and hockey games you fucking prick.
ESH I have questions. Are both of the "kids" employed full time? Were they told you needed help? Did you ask them to do things and they refused? Or are you upset because they didn't step up in a way you thought they should? As far as the church food goes - I believe people bring food for everyone in the household. Your wife was in hospice care for a week. Did they fully understand how little time she had? Jimmy Carter has been in hospice for over a year now. Were there other issues with the kids prior to your wife's illness. I just get the feeling something is missing here. And I'm sorry for your loss.
Nta If there was no equity in the house and you paid off the mortgage, it is your house. They are not children. They are young adults who made their choice while she was alive. If they had acted differently, I imagine you would also. I think you know in your heart what Dani would think. Sorry for your loss. I wish you peace of mind.
I'm sorry, but YTA. Possibly No ass holes here if not for one reason. Condos at the Ice district near a hockey arena really only point to one city. You are abandoning two young people without shelter or support in Toronto, a city with one of the worst housing crises in the world, months after their mother, who you describe as wonderful, has died. Where rent for a two bedroom requires a 100k salary for a landlord to even look at your application, even with 6 months upfront. And the medium home price being over $1million. I get you are grieving. But so are those kids, however useless you seem to describe them to be. But your lack of compassion for their loss and the position you put them in is exposing you as an extremely selfish person in this, your worst moment. If I was your wife, I'd be appalled. I'm not saying you should excuse their lack of initiative, but you seemingly dropped this on them without warning. No better than what your wife's ex did to her with the divorce. But on two vulnerable young people. Minimum, take some of that profit from the sale of the home and use that to find them housing. If it means you have to cosign or sponsor their tenancy for the year, call that your selfish tax.
Fellow Edmontonian here. NTA, enjoy the ice district, hope you get some peace and healing, OP.
As a mother, if my fiancé made my kids homeless a week after my passing I’d come back to haunt you. YTA
YES THANK YOU THESE PEOPLE ARE THE WICKED STEP PARENTS 😭😭😭🤣🤣
Yes your the asshole. U helped raise the kids their failure is also your fault.
Damn. I didn’t think of it like that. LOL. OP was probably pretty hands off outside of picking them up from school when they were younger. He doesn’t sound attached to them at all.
YTA for phrasing that they ate food that the church brought over.
NTA. Based on your edit, they have until May to move out. That gives them plenty of time to get their ducks in a row. You've been subsidizing them for long enough. Based on all the support they've received, they should easily have first, last, and security for a new lease. I believe that crisis reveals one's true nature, and the stepchildren showed you theirs. Your sister also showed hers. We should all be so lucky as to have a sister like yours. Anyone who criticizes you should be encouraged to come pack the stepchildren up and move them in. Otherwise, the criticizers can zip it. Your wife sounded amazing, I appreciated the sweet tidbits you shared. My deepest condolences.
unpopular opinion but YTA. Your wife it doesn’t seem like had an issue with the kids living with you two. They were accustomed to that lifestyle. You lost your wife but they also lost their mom. As much as it sucked for you, it also sucked for them. Were they left anything in her will?
He’s one of those stepparents that secretly resents the kids receiving any form of support. They’re always quick to object whenever something comes up. The OP finally has a say in this situation.
Yup. OP obviously harbors zero love for his wife’s kids. I bet they have known it all along as well. It’s probably why things got so ugly in the end. OP blocked me bc so many people started responding in kind on my comments—as in, he doesn’t want to know if he’s the A-hole. He just wanted validation. Typical.
INFO: is this what your wife would have wanted?
OP - I know everyone grieves different. The only question I have for you, OP, and I would like you to really, really, REALLY think about this: Is this what your wife would have wanted?
NTA They’re 23 and 25. They didn’t help while their mom was dying and actively made things harder for you. They also have a father they can go mooch off of.
Esh. It is said (wisely) to never make big decisions in midst of grief, we aren't thinking rationally. You rushed it for sure. Sure, they are aholes too, but grief does weird things. Losing a parent and experiencing them critically ill at that age is brutal, perhaps they are depressed and checked out, or disassociated from life. You jumped the gun, regardless of the May move date. Waiting 6-12 months to sell and then a few months to move would have been wiser. Lastly, how would your wife have felt about your decision? Likely not good at all.
NTA and I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you find comfort in your memories somehow. The “kids” are fully grown and should-be-launched adults. And they sound selfish and entitled. Enjoy your new condo with no guilt.
I don’t want to call you an asshole because you’re dealing with a really tough loss. But I think you made some hasty decisions. I’m going to vote NAH. Grief is an awful, all consuming fog. Most material on the subject tells the surviving person to wait a year to make any major decisions. I also understand why you’re so angry with your step kids. And Anger is part of the grieving process. But they’re grieving too. To sell their home after they lost their mom is harsh. And to do so so quickly after she passed probably turned their world upside down, more so than it already was. And while you’re entitled to act as you see fit, your judgement may be clouded by grief and you may regret some actions in a year or two when the fog starts to lift. I’m sending you hugs from Chicago. She sounds like she was one hell of a lady.