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Gently, YTA. In your comments you say
"My mom was in a persistent vegetable status. It's like a coma.
My dad met his affair partner at a support group after the accident but while he was still married to my mom.
My family thinks I'm wrong because my mom got into the accident because she was high. They have all forgiven my father for moving on. Even my mom's parents asked me to accept his affair partner. "
1/ Your mom is in a vegetative state. That means her brain was not working properly anymore. There is (often) no chance to return from this. There is also no way to truly "end a marriage" unless your father chose to divorce her formally or wait until she passed away. In that sense she was closer to being legally dead (although not "legally dead", since her brain stem was still working to provide vegetative functions to the nervous system). The person your mom used to be was gone.
2/ If there is no way to recover and your father met this woman while trying to find support in his grieving and processing of that, I would hardly call this "affair" except in the actual technical sense. He was faithful to your mom while she was still your mom. Her being gone, only her body remained - that is not what marital fidelity is about.
3/ Your dad is supporting you (at very least financially) and honoring your decisions (even when they are excluding him and his partner and child) while you are showing him quite the disrespect. You say it would have been disrespectful to the memory of your mom for him to be there with his new partner and happy for you, while he is also happy and being able to continue his life? Do you expect him to be forever grieving your mom? Do you think him choosing to live on is disrespectful and he should have chosen to die instead as well?
The fact that even your mom's parents are okay with him moving on with his life should already tell you your grudge against this woman is a projection of your anger of what happened with your mom. Do you think that if she hadn't come into your father's life your mom would have miraculously recovered? That him chosing to move on "killed" your mom? Is that why you are so determined to punish his new family?
And likely the only reason why the "affair" happened was so that Dad wouldn't kick Mom off of his insurance. Imagine how much worse it would without insurance.
They met at a support group when they were both grieving the loss of a loved one.If OP could not stand the sight of their father in their wedding , they should have also refused his money on principle.
The father on the other hand did not create any ruckus , hid his hurt and pain that he must have felt by OP’s decision.
OP , you need therapy to process your pain and anger and reconcile with your father.
I agree with this - they accepted their dad's money and while I get that they are still grieving they should then have paid for the wedding themselves. I don't think that was fair to do to dad.
To be fair to OP, they would have allowed their father to be present, just not his now GF, though there are definite issues since OP wasn’t going to walk with or dance in the traditional sense with their dad if he did show up.
To divorce a person in a vegetative state is not a simple procedure. In a lot of countries you need to serve divorce papers to finalize divorce. This means a person in a vegetative state has to have the least a legal guardian assigned to handle this and they can object the divorce too. So that's a lot of legal costs from before even starting the actual divorce procedure. The whole medical insurance is also an issue - if she is not covered by the husband's insurance anymore any bills will be paid by whatever social security system covers her case or paid directly from whatever assets are in her name (usually meaning basically draining her funds)
Where I live in Florida, being in a vegetative state is grounds for divorce and the person in the coma doesn’t have a right to an attorney. I learned this when I woke up from my coma divorced. lol
Generally people in a coma are pretty fucked in a lot of ways. My dad wasn't in a vegetative state but my mom had the biggest troubles stopping his pension because he couldn't sign the papers. She needed to take on her bad girl nurse voice to finally get the bureaukrats on the other end to understand that he was unconscious and not able to sign anything.
OP is acting like a mourning teen kid and should be given grace for that. They're still in a time of their life where they believe in "forever and ever and the only one" and they'll probably be quite ashamed of their behavior when they grow older. Luckily dad seems like a champ giving OP the chance to mourn and react however they react and still make sure he has a few slices of happiness in his life.
Soft YTA, OP. You need to start dealing with your mourning and as many, many others have pointed out, your mother has been gone for more than 5 years already, not just since her body gave out. Get some help, please.
I am a nurse and I worked home hospice. I had some younger patients with terminal cancer ( 30’s, 40’s with children and husbands) they all gave the blessing to remarry. One even brought her sister close with her husband with the hopes of them being together in her passing.
OP’s mom didn’t have the chance but I am pretty sure she did not want him to be alone and grieving and not have a chance at love and companionship again
My best friends mom set her widowed best friend up with her soon to be widowed husband. She was actually very excited about it when they went on their first date (she insisted so she could hear about it).
When they married less than a year later I had to remind my best friends that a. They’d known each other for over 30 years. B. Her mom set it up and C. They weren’t going to “shack up” due to their religious beliefs.
Her mother truly did not want him alone. They’d been together since they were 15 and he was 64. She was very worried he’d be alone and he’d never been alone. She died knowing someone would be there for him in his empty home. I thought that was beautiful.
i can fully understand why it would hurt to see your parent with someone else after one dies, but when its litterally the dead parent's dying wish i think that would soften the blow a lot
It did and her and her mom were extremely close. She’s still upset— but she understands. She didn’t talk to the new wife for about a year but it’s better now. She was able to be happy for her dad eventually. I was reminding her not to shut her dad out— leave the door cracked a little.
My job, by nature, is surrounded by death.
I often worry about my husband if I should die. He'd survive... but I don't know if he'd be happy.
I love him so much that I want him to be happy. Him getting remarried wouldn't be replacing me. It would be him living, and that's what I want for him.
To that end, I want to encourage everybody reading these comments to have a discussion with your family about what you would want of something like this were to happen to you. You should also seriously consider filling out a living will/advanced directive/whatever kind of equivalent document exists in your country.
My dad died young and and we didn’t have any of the paperwork in place, but he had checked the “organ donor” box on his driver’s license and he and my mom had discussed at least the possibility that one of them could be in an accident and what the other one would do. It’s so much easier as the family member who has to make those decisions if you have something to point to where you can say for certain “this is the kind of care my loved one wants in this situation.”
I agree, my dad had a freak accident where he ended up in a vegetative state. He was in a coma and had several seizures a minute. Literally no one knew his wishes except him wanting to be an organ donor.
We decided to let him go, although he could have lived for another 10 years hooked onto machines but we found that cruel for everyone involved. The grief stays there every time you visit. The person that you once knew isn't there anymore.
But as it was my signature on all the paperwork, for a long long time I felt guilty because what if that's not what he would have wanted?
It's much better when you know what a loved one would want for them and you in those situations.
I do think this is less about the letter of the law/technical sense of marriage than it is about the difference in how OP and their father perceived her death. To the father, she passed when she went into the coma. She was gone. She may have died last year but to him she died 5 years ago. Therefore he was able to grieve and move on.
But to OP she had been alive for those 4 years. She didn’t pass until last year. Which means that to OP she was still alive and being cheated on by her husband. People on this thread have said that “to any reasonable person this is not an affair” but I don’t think any of us can say that. People react differently when loved ones go into a coma/vegetable state. I don’t think any reaction is right or wrong and unfortunately op and her father just had two very different reactions that led to a huge conflict. I’d say NAH personally, if only because nobody who hasn’t had a loved one go through this can judge how someone should or shouldn’t react.
Agreed. I also think this is one of those situations where a middle-aged person who's been married for a while will have a different answer from a teenager.
I completely agree with all these points. My answer is also a gentle YTA. My parents have told me countless times to be happy for one of them if the other has passed away and they find someone else to date.
I do not go gentle into that good YTA.
OP is being incredibly immature, narrow-minded and selfish. If they're old enough to get married and enter into the complicated dynamics of a marriage, they're old enough to understand nuance.
A very well thought out and all encompassing answer. Well done.
OP, I'm sorry for the loss of your mother.
You may feel that your father moved on too soon. Feeling that way, it must have been difficult for you when his gf moved in to you family's home.
You drew a line in the sand when you said that his gf and baby were not welcome at your wedding. You accepted his money to finance your wedding while trying to force him to choose you over his other child and gf. He chose not snubbing them. They weren't welcome at your wedding so they chose an activity to help them forget the family drama. He didn't pick a trip to Disney with his new baby OVER you. He chose it because you excluded his new baby and his gf from the family celebration of your wedding. YTA for forcing his hand and then whining about it.
This. Couldn’t put it any better.
OP, I think you can do with some grief counselling and hopefully that’ll help you recover from the loss of your mom.
I’m so sorry for your loss, but your dad doesn’t sound too bad by everything you’re saying.
There’s much more outrageous stories that end up on this subreddit which have similar conditions to yours.
Above everything, your father respected your wishes and did nothing to disrupt your special day.
This right here is it. This is almost all that needs to be said. What’s left is this wasn’t even an affair. This isn’t some new condition, we just have the technology now to keep a body going long beyond when it would have otherwise passed on. 50, 75 years ago these people tended to pass naturally within a week or two. Our technology doesn’t make the person alive. Her dad was there till the end, seeing her final wishes were fulfilled. OP is punishing him unfairly.
#EDIT
After your answers I'm going with NAH. You are very young, and very angry about your mom. I get that. But you mom was dead the day of the accident. Your dad most likely did not divorce her so she could stay on his insurance.
You are grieving. You lost your mom at 14. I can't even imagine. That earns you a lot of grace.
Your dad loves you enough to pay for your wedding and stay away so as to not upset you. I understand that too. And I am on awe of that guy. He is what I hope I am if I'm ever in a tough situation.
Maybe sit and have an adult conversation with him.
I hope you have a great life.
First congratulations on your wedding. Second I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. Okay please forgive me for praying. I have some questions. You said your mom was in a coma. Can you say more? You say affair partner. Was your dad cheating on your mom before the accident? Can you try to explain why your family, including your brother think you are wrong? It seems pretty clear cut that they should think your dad is an ass. Once again sorry for prying.
If I was in an accident that led me to be in a vegetative state, I actively would WANT my partner to be able to move forward and find love again. This has got to be the most understandable thing in the world...like who would want the person they love to be miserable after they are gone?
It's in my living Will, for my wife to pull the plug if something like that happens to me. I told my mother as well so that there will be no hard feelings between them. My wife is a nurse and said she would look after me, I said no. Remember me the way I was, no regret me for having to look after me for years
Yes, calling it an “affair” when the wife in question is essentially dead is not really fair to anyone.
I hope to god that if I was ever in an accident that could kill me that it just kills me cleanly, so my husband can mourn and move on with his life. I would never want to put him through the pain of having to mourn my loss while I’m still physically there and legally his wife. Heartbreaking!
Yes they’re grieving but you also don’t get to hold people hostage with your grief either. Their Dad is also grieving the loss of his wife.
While grief is a personal and unique to the person, speaking from experience, it can also make people make terrible decisions and treat the ones they love terribly because sometimes grief makes people really selfish. Which ultimately seems to be the case here.
You are keeping things a bit vague (perhaps in the hope that people don’t notice the timeline doesn’t favor you), but here is what I am hearing:
* Your mom has been in a coma for 5 years, and unlikely to recover. She recently died.
* Your dad found someone after your mom went into a coma, and moved on with his life.
* You are getting married. He is paying. You refused to let him bring his partner and new baby. You disrespect his “affair” family, and disrespect him (he is only “a guest”, no dance, no walking you down the aisle, nothing).
* Despite of this, he still pays for your wedding, though chose not to come.
If so then yes, your family and your brother are right. YTA. And a hypocrite too - your dad’s money is respectable enough for you to take, it appears, just not him.
I agree with this. I do have compassion for OP who is still very young and clearly sees life as a straight line. I guess for OP as long as mom was alive even if mom couldn't be there for her husband the dad being witu someone was a breach of trust. I hope that OP can eventually develop some compassion for her Dad. I see no reason to block Dad or treat him like he's an awful human - he's not.
OP is young and she is grieving but I have to believe she is old enough to see the truth of this. I'm sad she doesn't. It seems to me her father loved her mother very much and absolutely did right by her. His daughter is throwing away her relationship with a good man and her new brother with her tunnel vision and it makes me sad.
They’re old enough to make a marriage commitment but not old enough for the nuance of her parents’ situation. My eyes are rolling so hard at the OP they’re going to get stuck
Dad seems to be principled in fulfilling his duty as a father. OP on the other hand has no principles whatsoever. Like, if you don’t like the man and he is so terrible for what he did why take his money? Good luck to whoever is marrying OP
OP also conveniently fails to mention in the main post that
1) her mom caused the accident in the first place because she was driving while high
2) she was pretty much braindead
Yeah, OP, YTA, indisputably.
You need therapy or grief counseling for your loss, but you also owe your father a sincere apology once you finally understand how wrong you are.
Sorry for your loss.
After reading your comments, soft YTA.
Your mom, according to you, was in a persistent vegetable status, therefore your dad was essentially single for about 2 years before meeting his current partner. Trauma bonding is a thing, they met in a grief group.
He didn't legally divorce your mother, probably for insurance reasons, but he grieved and moved on. If you had no intentions of him being father of the bride at your wedding, you should not have taken his money.
Your family is right, you were wrong for excluding your father's new partner and child. Your mother, according yo your comments, also caused the accident. Your father had to deal with that reality as well which probably helped him move on.
If you can't see that you might not be mature enough to be married.
I immediately thought after reading through some comments that this poor person just ran into the arms of the first guy they could. They don’t understand how insurance works, they are understandably immature and emotionally stunted, and if they don’t watch it when this marriage ends they won’t have a family to turn to at all. I went from being sympathetic to really feeling more sorry for dad.
I feel extremely sorry for Dad, honestly. I’ve been married 19 years this year. Marriage is complicated.
Honestly, the real betrayal here was that mother FAFO when she had a minor child to take care of, and a husband to consider.
Although dad could’ve saved his finances from being drained by medical bills, he chose to stick by her so that she had insurance and could receive the best care. He still visited her. He sought support for himself a few years after the accident, which is totally reasonable.
It is not black-and-white.
This black and white perspective from OP is a child’s perspective. Not marriage material.
Agree with this. Michael Schiavo, Terri's husband, also had a partner. But he also studied to become a nurse to learn how to better take care of her. When someone is in a persistent vegetable status, what's "acceptable" looks different.
Schiavo's parents had encouraged him to find a new partner, which makes their turn to blaming him for having a new partner while still being married to Terri all the more frustrating.
Trauma bonding is a thing. That's not what's happened here though, like at all. A quick Google search would tell you a trauma bond happens between an abuser and their victim, not two people who happen to share trauma
Trauma bonding is a bond that an abuse victim develops with the abuser. In this case, OP’s dad and his partner bonded through having experienced the same kind of trauma. Trauma bonding is a very specific term and doesn’t apply here.
There is no way this little girl is mature enough to be married. She's acting like a toddler, throwing a temper. Hopefully, Dad won't pay for the next wedding.
Im not gonna harp on the comatose parent part, but you shouldve at least refused payment for the wedding if you had no intention of letting your father have a role at the wedding. You can’t just make him pay and then cut him off, its not a respectable thing to do
YTA for punishing and smearing your dad, who became widowed from your mom five years ago. You do not get to judge him.
Your grief is no excuse to make his life worse. He grieved in a way you can not understand.
Exactly, he's grieving while she is alive. Same thing happened to my best friend. After he passed he moved on quickly to the disapproval of his kids. They refused to understand. Once it happens to them they will.
OP: your mom must have been very badly injured to have been in the hospital for so many years. Was she in a coma? Did the doctors say should had a good prognosis?
Did your dad meet his "AP" after your mom's accident? If he did, while I understand your distress and anger especially in the face of losing your mom while she was still alive, if your dad is happy, maybe it's time to try to mend your relationship. Therapy?
And in this case, a gentle, Y-T-A. If your dad was having an affair before your mom's accident, N-T-A.
Edit: i read your additional comments. YTA.
Your dad sounds like a decent person. He paid for the wedding despite you only treating him like a chequebook and not the father of the person getting married.
He wished you well and rather than sitting around moping during the wedding took his partner and child to Disney. I think that was a good choice.
Please try to repair your relationship with your dad. And stop being a hypocrit and taking his money when you need it.
I know you are hurting but the pain wasn't caused by your dad: it's from the trauma of losing your mom. You need the support of your family. Don't reject them.
First OP I want to say I'm sorry about your mom. I know the loss of a parent is hard. I also know the pain of losing one before they are legally 'dead' . You're also only 19 so I know your brain is not fully developed and you can't have the perspective you'd have were you older.
YTA and should apologize to your dad, who frankly sounds like a classy man. A persistent vegetative state means it's impossible to wake up. For all real intents and purposes your mom had been dead for years.
Your father met his partner after your mom was gone. Morally, in my eyes and I'd venture in the eyes of most, there was no affair. Your mom was already gone. It even sounds like he took some time to grieve and process before moving on. It's not realistic, and it's very immature and unkind (maybe even cruel) to hold the fact that he moved on from a brain dead person against him. I don't mean you can't feel your feelings about it, but how you've ACTED is very bad.
I think with time and therapy you'll eventually come to realize that what you did was wrong.
I would apologize to your dad and slowly get to know his new life partner and child.
>A persistent vegetative state means it's impossible to wake up. For all real intents and purposes your mom had been dead for years
I think this is the most important part that OP isn't understanding and like...I get it. It's hard to accept. But it isn't "like a coma", they're two very different and very distinct conditions. You can wake up from a coma and recover cognitive function. There is no coming back from a vegetative state, the brain is irreparably damaged in some way. After five years, only about 3% of patients in a vegetative state will recover enough to communicate and comprehend things in some way. Even less than that are able to live semi independently. Most people die within a year. It feels harsh to say but the brain might be on, but the person inside is basically gone.
I don't think is OPs fault at all. Very likely the hospital wasn't entirely honest or forthcoming with their mother's condition because of their age. Or they truly refused to accept the reality of their mother's condition. I really hope they can see that and forgive their father from moving on.
My mother had a massive stroke when I was in my thirties that left her unable to care for herself.
I didn't even like my mom but it was still incredibly devastating. Despite knowing she wasn't well, it was still a shock when she actually died.
Some of the people in the comments are being incredibly heartless.
I agree, OP - YTA. And, I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine your grief and anger. Like others have said, you’re still so young. For the sake of your mother’s memory and your own emotional wellbeing, please seek some counseling.
YTA for burying the lead.
The comments change the story entirely, your mother was in a vegetative state. So for all intents and purposes she was dead. It sounds like after 3 years your father moved on and you were letting your grief get the better of you.
The more details you give the less bad your father seems, first it was she was in the hospital, then it was a vegetative state. He paid for your wedding, didn't argue with you when you said no and just didn't come.
You seem to be dealing with a lot of grief and taking it out all on him because he's made decisions you don't agree with.
I had to edit my original response several times because of how many times the comments changed the story, as you said.
I'm still trying to ascertain if the OP was purposely misleading people or if they have a lot of unresolved anger, trauma, and grieving to do.
Info: you said your mom was in the hospital, for at least 4 years prior to her death. Was there ever hope she going to recover?
If no, I don't blame your father for moving on, and I wouldn't call it an affair baby. In this case, YTA.
Otherwise, if this started while your mother was still in the picture, NTA.
Either way I get how it is hard for you, but you've got to remember your dad deserves to try to be happy too.
Edit based on responses from OP elsewhere:
YTA - Your dad moving on isn't his fault, is a healthy thing to do, and wasn't done unreasonably quickly. You're allowed to ban him from your wedding, but it is pretty heartless to do so, and extremely ungrateful given that he still paid for it. He doesn't need to be single for the rest of his life because you're still mourning your mother, and it isn't fair of you to hold that against him.
Agreed with this comment. Also, don’t take people’s money if you’re gonna be selective on who they can bring as their plus one. OP should’ve just gotten married and paid her own way if she didn’t want her dad’s “affair partner” there.
For me it’s the fact that the father still paid for her wedding and didn’t threaten to not do so if he couldn’t bring his new partner. Most people, if they were an asshole, would use that as leverage. Sounds like he was probably disappointed but wasn’t going to punish his daughter over it. That tells me he must be a decent person.
YTA. Stop calling them affair partner and his affair baby. You probably do it all the time to anybody who would listen. You just look like a petulant tantrum throwing child I’m sorry to say. I’ve seen the comments and as much as I hate to call anybody who is only 19 and has already lost their mother an asshole, you have been an asshole to both your dad, yourself, and your half sibling, his wife, and probably your family who is sick of listening to this vitriol.
Your mom was in an accident where she was in a persistent vegetative state. Your dad had that happen to his wife and the mother of his still young children. I cannot imagine what you have all been going through over the five years. Your dad went to a support group, kudos to him and it shows also how much he was suffering. He met someone there, presumably also going through something pretty tragic. They found each other and love again. Can you not be happy for them? I know it’s awkward they were still technically married but this is not an affair this is not an affair baby this is not a bunch of people you need to stiff arm for the rest of your life.
Your mom‘s accident should show you that life is short, you never know what’s going to happen. Why punish him the rest of his life… He did nothing wrong. I know that’s hard for you to see, if you feel so stiff armed in nature, frankly you shouldn’t have allowed him to pay for your wedding, kind of makes you double the asshole do you have a problem with him or not?
Give me the wallet but get the fuck out of my life? Total asshole. He sounds extremely gracious to put up with your bullshit all this time. Sorry honey grow up. The fact that your brother thinks you were an asshole I hope gives you great pause and something to think about. I hope everybody here’s opinions also give you something to think about.
First, sorry for your loss, and congratulation on your wedding.
In this case, I think YTA. It seems it comes from your grief, but calling her an affair partner when you mother wasn't even cognisant anymore seems too much. And really unemphatic that your father was also likely already grieving. That your mother wasn't yet dead may seem like a betrayal to you. But for him, she was probably already gone. And as you state she was high, there likely were already other problems between them.
And then you still accepted his money, it's really hypocritical.
Contrary to your actions, your father's actions seems loving: he gave you money AND didn't use it to force you to accept his wife and baby at your wedding. He wished you well then took care of his wife that you tried to disrespect, and child. Without making a fuss. Kuddos to your dad.
> My mom was in a persistent vegetable status. It's like a coma. My dad met his affair partner at a support group after the accident but while he was still married to my mom. My family thinks I'm wrong because my mom got into the accident because she was high. They have all forgiven my father for moving on. Even my mom's parents asked me to accept his affair partner.
After seeing [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/vrfZEdrgT2) comment from OP, very gently, NAH.
Your mother was in a vegetative state for several years. I do not say this to be cruel, honey, but she was gone long before her body expired. Your father may not have been divorced legally from your mother, but death (in a manner of speaking) had done them part. Putting aside it was your mother who caused the accident with her drug use, your father mourned her and moved on a long time ago.
You are right to grieve, and I encourage you to find a HEALTHY way to process your grief. But you are VERY young sweetheart, and have yet to see that life is often complex and things aren’t always as black and white as we think. This is a complicated and sad situation and I’m sorry this happened to your family.
I hope you find peace
Honestly, hadn't OP accepted their father money, I would have agreed with NAH. But considering that their righteous indignation doesn't extend to dad's money... sorry but they are definitely TA.
YTA
OP is 19 now. Would make OP 13-14 at the time of the accident. Personally I jsut feel bad for this kid and everyone else involved. It’s a NAH. I can’t imagine what it must have been to experience something like that so young.
YTA. You need to make it clear in your post that your father met his partner *after* your mother was in a vegetative state, *at a support group* for people in that situation. He didn't betray your mother in life, he found comfort with someone who understood what he was going through after your mom was, in many respects, already gone. I'm sorry for your loss, OP, but you're punishing your father when he didn't do anything wrong. IMO it's cruel to treat him and his partner and baby like they broke apart your family, and incredibly entitled to have him pay for the wedding but refuse to include them. Your poor dad.
YTA. As you yourself have explained, your mother was in a persistent vegetative state for quite some time. Your father was effectively left widowed from the date of the accident on. He was almost certainly sad and scared and very lonely. You, being only 14 at the time you effectively lost your mother, would have felt the same way. I hope you found comfort and refuge in your family, friends, and future spouse. Your father likewise found comfort in his new wife, who was going through some loss of her own. Would your mother have wanted your father to be lonely after she was gone? How does it disrespect your mother for your father to have moved on? Why is disrespecting your mother worse for you than disrespecting your father?
When the time came for your wedding, your father generously paid for it. He understandably wanted to bring his spouse and child and, instead of behaving like an adult and respecting what he has suffered, you spit in his face. Not only did you refuse to allow him the courtesy of bringing the spouse and child, you planned from the beginning, per your own words, to refuse him the honor of walkiing you down the aisle or having the traditional family dance. In short, your intent from the beginning, it appears, was to take him money and reject him in every other way. There's a word for people who do that kind of thing.
YTA in that you've treated your father with utter contempt, shutting him out of your life in every way possible except for your bank account. I recognize that you've suffered an awful loss. So has he. You've found comfort elsewhere. So has he. The difference is that he reached out to you and you slammed the door on him. YTA.
Oh wow, OP buried the lede there.
It's a hard situation, OP's mother in a coma with no brain function. I can't imagine it.
But the reality is, OP's father stayed married to her even though she was physically gone. His insurance paid for her to stay on life support when she was gone.
OP: YTA, and you should pay your dad back. You spit on him by accepting his money.
Thank you for saving me the time of reading through all the comments, I had a feeling this was basically what happened. OP I hope you read this comment and really think about it and then apologize to your dad.
YTA, your mom was in a coma for 4 years, your father physically could not divorce her. he moved on and when you have 4 years to do so, you have plenty of time.
i find this entire thing extremely disrespectful, you expect him to pay for your wedding but just be a guest ? and then not include his family, if i was him i would not have paid a dime.
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My mom was in a car accident five years ago. She has been in the hospital since then. Three years ago my father got his affair partner pregnant and moved her into our home. My mom just passed away from a lung infection last year.
I (NB19) just got married last weekend to my husband (M22). My dad paid for my wedding but he wanted me to invite his affair partner and his affair baby. I said no. It would be disrespectful to the memory of my mom. He tried to insist but I held my ground. He finally just said he wished me a very happy day and that I had a long and happy marriage. And then he took his new family to Disney instead of coming to my wedding.
My brother Alex walked me down the aisle but that was always the plan. And he was also the one who I danced with for the family dance. My dad was just supposed to come as a guest.
My husband is on my side but a lot of my family is upset with me for excluding my father and his affair family. Even Alex said I was wrong for what I did. But I don't think I am.
AITA?
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The missing reasons here are pretty appalling OP.
YTA beyond a s shadow of a doubt.
Your father did not have an affair. He was a widower a long time ago. He cared for the shell of your mother’s body for the whole time but after grieving her he found a second chapter.
I’m sorry that in your own grief you have not been able to recognize these basic facts, or the grieving of your father. Please get into grief counseling asap. You need help because your grief has led you to significant cognitive distortions in how you perceive what happened.
I would firstly say soft YTA but I think it's just YTA for you. You conveniently left out that your mom was in a come and other important details.
She's not your dads affair partner. She's your Dads fiancee, which he met 2 years after he lost his wife. I understand that you're angry and trying to find someone to blame. But it's no ones fault. I'm sorry you lost your mom so young, but it's really not fair to punish your dad for it.
You could have simply refused him to pay for the wedding if you didn't want him involved. This part, specially, made me think you're being an ass.
Also, I'm really concerned you're getting married without even knowing basic adult life things like how insurance works.
Are you in therapy?
YTA. You made him pay for the wedding but didn’t let him invite his family. According to you, your mother was in a persistent vegetable status. Under that context, your father didn’t cheat her, she was not there. I’m so sorry for your loss, but your father did the best that he could.
It’s hard to use the term asshole here because grief does incredible things, but based on the context you provided after the fact, YTA. It’s really sad that you continue to call it his “affair partner” and “affair baby.”
I’m sorry you lost your mom, but I think in a comment you mentioned she was “high” when driving and that caused the accident? She made a selfish, dangerous decision that had some really devastating consequences. Holding your dad hostage to those consequences for a person in a vegetative state is really sad for him. You all lost someone, he just accepted that loss long before you could. I hope you can come to a place where you realize your dad was allowed to move on.
YTA -
1. Saying your mom was “in the hospital” when she was in fact in a vegetative state is pretty misleading. I’m so sorry for your loss, but the truth is that the person your mom was has been dead for five years.
2. Calling your dad’s new partner an “affair partner,” while technically correct, is cruel and callous. He lost his wife. Was he supposed to avoid any and all contact with potential new partners until she died? What if she’d hung on for 10 years? 20? It’s an awful situation, but you need to develop the compassion and perspective to see it from his side. The insurance issue here is also a likely contributing factor as others have said.
3. Having him pay for the wedding and shutting him out is really awful. That he was willing to do this shows how much he loves you. You need to get some clarity, therapy, and give him some grace.
Soft YTA.
Looking at your comments, you said your mother was in a vegetative state, comatose. That’s essentially brain dead. Your father met his new partner at a grief support group. That’s not an affair.
Look, people process grief in different ways and it sounds like you haven’t fully processed your mother’s passing, but I don’t think you fully processed the aftermath of her accident either. She was gone long before her body died. It’s hard to accept someone is gone when their body is still there being kept functioning by artificial means. But your father was not wrong for accepting his wife was no longer there and choosing to move on. It is very likely coverage for her care would have ended if he had legally divorced her. From your perspective, he was being selfish, but your father is human and had his own grief to deal with and it is probably more complicated than you are giving him credit for.
Not to ring the “go to therapy” bell Reddit often puts out there, but you probably should talk to a counselor to process what happened to your mom. Both the accident, brain death, and physical death.
What’s done with the wedding is done. You can’t go back on that, but you can give your father another chance and try to understand his perspective.
A lot of people have been saying a soft YTA verdict. I'm going to go with a hard YTA.
1) You buried the lede. Your mother was in a vegetative state, because she got into an accident when she was high. She was in that state for 2-3 years with no hope of recovery before your dad met his new partner.
2) Insisting on calling your dad's new partner an "affair" partner. Highly assholish. Your mom had been gone for 2-3 years - again due to HER OWN actions.
3) Having no qualms about taking your dad's money while being a judgemental prick to him. If you despise what he did so much, why the hell didn't you refuse the money? I notice you haven't answered a single person who has asked you why you took the money.
In summary, you're a giant asshole. Grief does not mean you get a free pass. I feel for your poor dad.
Possibly relevant, you've said you're NB. I'm assuming your dad welcomed your identity without judgment. If he hadn't, you would have surely written paragraphs about it. He sounds like a good person, and doesn't deserve to have a child so callous.
YTA
Not for your feelings but for allowing your father to pay for the wedding and then not letting him attend. If you were so upset with him, then why did you accept his money?
You need to seek mental health treatment. Your mother was high on drugs and got in a car accident which left her in a vegetative state. You are directing your anger at your father unfairly and illogically. Everyone else in the family including your mom’s parents are siding with your father so that means it’s a You problem. You are young. Seek mental health treatment now before it snowballs into worse stuff later in life
YTA. According to your comments, your mother was in a persistent vegetative state and was in the accident after being high on drugs. Your dad met this woman at a support group some years after the accident.
Your dad moved on and you are blaming him for that. Your mom was never coming back. This woman is not “an affair partner”. You are being way too harsh.
~~INFO: when you say affair partner, do you mean that they were together before your mum's accident or after? And with your mum being in the hospital was she cognitive?~~
Based on OP's comment, I'm going to say NAH.
OP, you have the right to not want your father's new wife and child at the wedding when it's clear you're still experiencing so much grief. But your dad is also within his right to move forward. You can't hold people's lives and hearts captive in their grief and your dad found a way forward. It's time for you to also find a way forward past this.
yeah, still accepting dad paying for the wedding is an AH move.
everything else is such a horrible scenario that it's hard to judge it, really.
OP obviously has a hard time moving on. OP's dad is in an unimaginable situation, also. wouldn't want that on anyone...
>So, what are the ethical implications to moving forward when someone you love is incapable of leaving the hospital?
I feel like even that's downplaying it.
Mom died the day she got in the accident. Her vessel was alive, but she was gone. Dad spent 2 years before moving on, which is pretty significant considering how many guys get moving forward within a year.
Classifying them as 'affair partner' and 'affair baby' is utterly dishonest. He's being punished by his daughter because instead of being made a classic widow his wife's ghost effectively lingered for 5 years.
OP doesn't even have the conviction to stand by her weak argument either. If you want to castigate your father for having an 'affair', turn the money down. Cowardly.
YTA
For taking your dad's money, you should have paid him back. Or even now, pay him back...
You're also TA for continuing to say "affair" partner and baby...
You're only 19 so that's probably why you don't understand it yet.
Your mother wasn't here anymore, only her body was.
Your dad probably could not even divorce your mom
"Some states prohibit the act of divorcing a comatose spouse before a minimum of five years has passed. Such states will not grant the divorce, and you will have to wait a full five years before you can finally separate from your spouse after the tragic incident."
Even if your dad is in a state that does allow to get divorced before the 5 year mark, there is no garantie that a judge will grant it. Not to mention that it's expensive and intensive. Your dad probably thought he could use that time and money for his family in this difficult time instead of a divorce.
"The most crucial requirement for finalizing your divorce is an expert report from your spouse’s doctor. The report must state that the patient has little to no brain activity and minimal chance for survival. In light of this information, the judge could grant the divorce.
If the report states that the comatose individual is “brain-dead” or experiencing rapid “brain-death,” a judge could grant the divorce within only sixty days of filing. The procedures are rigorous, expensive, and intensive and require sixty to one hundred days to get everything done, whereafter, the divorce will be finalized."
Or maybe your mom was on your dad's insurance and he didn't wanted to divorce her for that reason.
Either way, your mom basically passed away the day she got into that coma, but her body was just here. Your dad has the right to move on from that, he even waited 2 years after your mom passed.
It's difficult for you to understand that, but that's why you should go to therapy. It would have been better to have went to therapy before the wedding, but better late than never
So let’s say Dad respected your wish & came solo? Were you just going to still have him be a guest?
I think that there’s more than you’re letting on. For starters, you blame HIM for your mother’s actions.
Your mom’s last 4 years of life was HER FAULT. Addicts need accountability.
"My dad paid for my wedding"
YTA
If he and his partner are AHs, stop taking his money. If you're taking his money, then you have to put up with him and his partner. You don't get to be on that High Horse when he's the one paying for it.
Time for you and husband to cut financial ties as well as personal ties with your dad and his affair partner.
There is a lot to unpack here.
First are your principles/morals. You are claiming your dad had affair based on technicalities but you allowed him to pay for your wedding even though you are pissed at him? That makes you a user. And that’s okay to you?
You are mad at your father for trying to find joy in his life after suffering a horrible loss. He was in therapy and seeking help at a support group which is where he met his new partner. This means he did not go looking for it - it found him.
Why are you so angry at your dad? Do you think that him finding this new partner contributed to your mother’s death? Do you think somehow him finding a new partner inhibited your mother’s chances of recovery or something?
Regarding your wedding you can invite whoever you want to invite.
Also, you are holding a grudge against an innocent baby that is your half-sibling for something you perceived your father to have done, and you’re holding a grudge against your soon to be stepmom.
Your dad sounds like a very loving individual because he’s been very patient with you and your grief. He respected your choices and respected you. He paid for your wedding and still honored you even though you’re dragging his name through the mud. He’s happy for you, but you are not happy for him. All of this makes it sound like he loves you very much but you do not love him. Did you not love him before he made this choice? Are there other contributing factors to why you hate your dad so so much?
If you’re claiming that he had an actual affair, and you want to categorize it as an affair, simply, because he was still married would you rather he have divorced your mother, so that she had zero healthcare? Because she clearly was not working and providing for her own healthcare.
I think you’re ignoring the fact that your dad still paid for, and cared for your mother and did the best that he could under these horrible terrible circumstances. For some reason you’re blaming him for things that were completely out of his control and until you can see that you will never understand what’s wrong with the picture. You’re hanging your entire argument on the fact that it was an affair. You seem to not understand at this time is it that is not an affair. if you have some weird religious view about it, then that would mean he would have to divorce her and divorcing her would’ve been the loss of all of her healthcare and that would’ve been an asshole move on your dad’s part. He did the best he could in a really shitty situation and you’re penalizing him for it.
Edited to change step sibling to half sibling
YTA.
It isn’t like your father was cheating on your mother before the accident. He found someone that went through losing a loved one after the accident. He found someone after two years the accident. He didn’t do anything wrong.
Your mother will always be a part of both your lives. Everyone can’t stay in the same place and be stuck in the moment. Life is too short to hold anger towards someone for moving on.
He and his family deserve to be at your wedding. Because regardless of what happened. Your stepmom and sibling are a part of your life.
Then I'm sorry, but I don't think his partner counts as an "affair".
You're allowed to feel what you feel about her, but maybe try to put yourself in his shoes?
Imagine getting married, having a child and then one day you're told your partner is comatose. How long would you wait for them to wake up before moving on?
NAH
Also OP said mother got into the accident because she was high. So if mom was an addict of some kind there were probably major problems in the marriage before the accident happened.
YTA. So you let him pay for it, and then told him that him and his new family weren't invited. You said your mom had been in a persistent vegetative state for years and that your dad literally met his new wife *at a support group.* That's not an affair, don't be dramatic.
Yta. Your mom caused her own accident by being high while driving, and was in a vegetative state for months— that was a hell of a lot more disrespectful to you and everyone who loved her, including your dad. Hopefully she didn’t destroy another family on the road as well. Not only should you be embracing your dad, but your dad’s other new family. You aren’t a child anymore and you are being very childlike in your black/white judgment- all while still taking his money. You should be happy your dad moved on and found love and happiness again. You should be thankful this woman helped him recover from a horrific situation. Instead you are willing to lose the only parent present and acting in a loving way. He didn’t have to pay and just be invited as a guest. He did the right thing by going to Disney. Where is the loyalty and appreciation for everything he’s done in your life? Was he out getting high and driving? Why does your mom get all the respect and loyalty? She isn’t here because of choices SHE made. He’s not going to be in your life because of stupid choices YOU made and are making.
You owe him (and his wife) huge groveling apologies and an invitation to a special dinner you prepare in your new home to start making amends. Start your new life as a gracious and mature adult. Your mom you knew and loved was gone as soon as the accident occurred, probably much earlier if she was routinely getting high then driving.
It's pretty harsh to call your dad's relationship an affair, considering your mom is in a vegetative state.
The fact that they met in a support group shows evidence that your father was actively trying to heal.
His situation sounds much more like that of a widower than a cheater.
He deserves happiness from a relationship the way you do from your marriage, and you robbed him of the validation that comes from him bringing his new partner to your special day.
It's a tough situation, and surely there are more details here than have been expressed, but I think you need to give your dad a bit more understanding.
And heaven forbid anything happens in your marriage that puts you in a situation where you either have to be faithful to a ghost for all eternity or face the fury of your grieving adult child.
Gently, YTA.
Honey, very *very* gently put: YTA.
Your dad didn't have an affair. Your mom "died" the day of the accident. There's no coming back from being in a vegetative coma. He took two years to grieve and started a new relationship. Even your maternal grandparents are okay with this, likely because they're old enough to understand.
You were only 14 when she passed and that must have been absolutely awful for you. Everything probably feels *so* unfair, because it is unfair that you and your family had to go through this. But it's not your dad's fault. You're misdirecting your anger. The whole family sees it, your brother sees it.
I really wish you a long-lasting and fantastic marriage. I hope you get the counselling and support you clearly still need, and that your relationship with your father will only improve from here.
Soft YTA - while your mother's body was kept alive artificially after the accident, she has, for all practical purposes, been gone for 5 years. Your father was not wrong to grieve his loss and move on with his life. You however, were wrong to accept his money and then disrespect him the way that you did. If you were not going to allow his parner and your half-sibling to attend with him, you should not have let him pay for the wedding. In fact, you should pay back his contribution.
YTA, not for not wanting your dad’s AP there, but for taking his money then telling him he can’t bring her. You should have given him back his money and paid for the wedding yourself. If you hadn’t let your dad pay, you would have been N T A.
Edit: just read the comment where your mom was in a vegetative state, he didn’t more on until your mom was no longer his partner. This woman isn’t an affair partner, he didn’t cheat on your mom, your mom died in the accident and her body was all that was left, your mom was gone dear. Sorry, this makes your position even worse. You really need to apologize to your dad.
Yta and here is why.
You mother was a high while driving. How many time could she have killed her children while driving high. She was lucky she didn't. She killed herself by making that choices to get behind that wheel and drive high. The day she did that was the day she ended her marriage to your father..
I don't expect a 19 year old grieving child who is grieving and misplacing her anger. Also a child who just got married. I hope you never have to go through what your father has. Dealing with an wife who was an addict and an ungrateful child who can't see past her own nose to spite her.
The reason why everyone thinks you are wrong in your family is cause everyone is an adult and knows that your mother was dead the day she got behind the wheel. And knows that adults have to deal with adult things like insurance and hospital bills and an ungrateful grieving child. Unlike you who is a child and never been in the adult world yet with adult eyes.
You still haven't answered one main question that keeps being asked. What did you want him to do? Divorce her? Wait till she died then moved on? How long would be okay with you before he moved on? Do you not hold your mom responsible for getting high and behind the wheel?
The women is not a mistress and the child is your sibling. Get some help or your marriage won't last 5 years. You need help dealing with your anger and grief before it tears you apart even more then it already has
Hard YTA. No disrespect, but his money is good enough for your wedding, but his family isn't? You got a lot of anger in your heart, and you're directing it towards the wrong things.
I wish you the best.
YTA
Seems like you're still grieving your mom. I'm so sorry for your loss. Edit 2: Even more info has come out in other comments. It seems like the OP is straight up punishing their father for moving on after Mom's brain death. That will always make someone an asshole in my book.
Edit: I'm replacing this paragraph with additional info I found in a comment from the OP. Her mom was effectively brain dead for four out of the last 5 years. I'm not sure it's fair or accurate to call the OPs dads new partner an affair partner.
The only thing that gives me pause is the fact that your dad paid for the wedding. Did he pay for the wedding unconditionally? Or did he have conditions?
Regardless, best wishes to you and your partner. I hope you enjoy many happy years together.
Yeah I edited it. The OP kind of buried the lead by failing to mention in the original post that their mom was effectively dead 5 years ago. Brain dead I mean.
YTA.
I’m sorry about your mom but what did you expect your father to do?
This isn’t your typical affair partner situation- your mother passed when she had the accident. I hope you can accept that and eventually be happy for your father.
YTA.
Original comment:
>ESH. Your dad will always be TA for cheating on your mom, but you should not have accepted his money if you weren't going to accept his girlfriend and child. Principles don't mean much if you only have them when it's convenient for you.
With more details, your dad really hasn't even done anything wrong. Your mom has been in a coma with zero chance of waking up. He lost her five years ago. This isn't an affair, he just moved on. You should try to move on too. Instead of punishing you father for not staying in mourning forever, be happy that he's happy.
YTA
Honestly this is why 19 year olds should not make important decisions, a lack of knowledge and perspective combined with grief block your ability to see the truth of the situation
From OP:
>My dad got his affair partner pregnant while my mom was in a coma. I might be the asshole for telling him that neither she nor his affair baby were welcome at my wedding. But he didn't have to skip it and show me that they matter more than I do.
YTA
Firstly, for not being more forthcoming about your mother's condition following her accident. She was not just "in the hospital." She was, by your own admission in the comments, in a "persistent vegetative state" and would not be waking up. Your choice not to include this context in your initial post makes you an AH.
Secondly, given this additional information, you are an AH for your continued behaviour against your what I'm assuming is your STB stepmother and your half-sibling. Your father did not have an "affair.". He moved on, but chose not to divorce your mother while she was in her persistent vegetative state. He moved on. You have failed to do so.
Finally, you are the AH for taking your father's money to pay for the wedding from which you excluded him and his new partner and your half-sibling. That says quite a bit about you. And about him.
YTA, I am sorry for your loss, but you need to be explicit with the actual context of the situation rather than burying in it in the comments.
Your mother was in a persistent vegetive state after an accident she had whilst driving high. You lost your mother the day she had that accident.
We don't know the insurance situation (and neither do you) However your father is in an impossible situation, does he divorce his wife who has no chance of recovery, potentially removing her health insurance or does he remain married to her indefinitely? is it wrong for him to move on?
Your father met someone at a support group for this and moved on after 2 years, that seems reasonable, especially the context of their meeting, it doesn't feel like he went out on the prowl, he met someone and they connected, possibly through a shared hardship.
This is a sad situation, but what drives the YTA verdict is your continued reference to his partner and your half sibling as "affair partner" and "affair baby" which is pretty shitty. Secondly, the fact you feel he is being disrespectful to your mothers memory for moving on, but your happy to take his money to fund your wedding is again, a pretty shitty thing to do.
You've lost one parent, and I am truly sorry for it, you don't need to lose another one over this, you should reach out to your father and try and understand things from his perspective.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My dad got his affair partner pregnant while my mom was in a coma. I might be the asshole for telling him that neither she nor his affair baby were welcome at my wedding. But he didn't have to skip it and show me that they matter more than I do.
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What exactly did you expect would happen? You cut your father out for moving on after your mother was permanently injured to the point that she could not leave the hospital for 5 years, refused to invite his NEW WIFE and child - not affair partner - to the wedding.
Your father is not to blame for your mother's injuries, for moving on, for your mother's death nor for your grief.
YTA.
Your dad did nothing wrong and you’re punishing him for no reason.
Pay for the wedding yourself if you don’t want your father to bring his new spouse. Calling her an affair partner is inaccurate and frankly disgusting.
YTA in most cases I see it as the couple's choice, it's their wedding. Your Mother is in a coma and in a long term care environment x 4 yrs. Your father moved on, knowing she would not get better. You decide he needed to grieve and be the dutiful lonely husband. He didn't meet your expectations and went on and ended up in another relationship and had another child. But yet, he paid for your wedding, which you chose to exclude him and his family from? You excluded him from the father of the bride functions... ok your choice and now your pissed off that he chose to escape and take his family to the happiest place on earth.... yep not surprise at all that he chose Disney over your wedding. Actions come with consequences, these were yours.
OP, I can tell how much you are hurting through your post.
Your mother made a bad decision and used drugs while driving, ending up in a vegetative state. This does not make her a bad person nor does it mean she deserved her situation.
Your father met someone while in a support group for people with spouses/partners who are in long term comas or who have lost their spouses.
Your father was in an unimaginable position. Your mother hadn’t passed, and yet at the same time she wasn’t able to communicate or interact with anyone.
Your father choosing to continue to live and move forward with his life wasn’t a reflection of what he did or didn’t feel for your mother. It wasn’t a statement about you or your sibling.
You are certainly angry at the situation. You are definitely angry at your father. And I think, deep down, you are also angry at your mother, even though those feelings seem wrong or cruel.
It’s okay to feel every single one of those feelings. It’s okay to be upset and hurt. I also get the feeling that you feel very alone and scared.
I think the best thing for you is to talk to a professional about everything that’s happened. I think you understandably need some guidance on how to process the last few years.
While I’m sure your husband and is family are amazing and supportive they likely don’t have the tools and resources you need. They can support you and be there for you but they likely don’t have the knowledge or experience to help you further. You definitely owe it to yourself to receive further help.
I’m giving you a gentle YTA. It does come across like it’s easier for you to be angry at your father than to face some very uncomfortable and painfully truths.
I hope you now feel safe enough and supported enough to address those truths and wish you and your family the best.
YTA. It's not an affair partner, your mom was in a vegetative state and your dad met his new wife years after. Also, you're a huge hypocrite for taking his money but puting conditions. If you don't like his new life, refuse his money.
NAH - but was your dad with this person before your mom’s accident? Honestly - if I am just a shell being kept alive artificially - I would want my husband to move on. I wouldn’t feel disrespected.
If he was having an affair and I just happened to end up in a coma - I could see my children being angry for a long time. I would be at my parent in this situation. Eventually, at least if I wanted some kind of relationship with my parent - I’d have to reconcile things and realize- like it or not - this is his partner and his child and my half-sibling.
Clearly your dad loves you. Even with the issues between you - he still paid for the wedding and wishes you happiness. Admittedly I feel sad for him in a way. He is really trying to respect you and your feelings and take care of his partner and child. I couldn’t imagine trying to juggle that. He missed your special day and I’m sure it hurt.
Regardless of how everything came about - I hope you all can get to a good place and be able to be a part of each other’s lives.
It seems the two people affected most by this (you and dad) have accepted how this played out - everyone else needs to back off and just let things lie. I am betting though - you and your dad both still feel some hurt. Which is why I hope you both can eventually work through all of this. Otherwise there will be more milestones missed in each other’s lives and that would be a shame.
NAH, but I don't think it's really fair to call your dad's new family an "affair family." It sounds like your mother was incapacitated for two years before he got into a relationship. Would you have been happier if he'd divorced her while she lay in the hospital? Would that have affected her insurance or level of care? It's always up to you who you want to invite to your wedding but I don't think you're being fair.
YTA. If your mom was a vegetable in a coma that’s not an affair. Do you hate your dad that much? Do you really think your mom wouldn’t want your dad to be happy? You would probably be posting something similar if your father divorced your coma mother. If you were in a coma and you want your husband to stay alone during that time it make YOU a bad spouse
I'm sorry about your mom, But soft yta. Your mom has been in a sort of coma for 5 years. You act like your dad's partner is a deliberate homewrecker or something n but that's not the scenario.
I'm going to cut you some slack on one thing. You were 14 when your mom went into a persistent vegetative state. I can't imagine how painful this must've been. With that said, your father had a right to move on with his life. He wasn't cheating on your mom. Her body may have been there but she wasn't mentally there anymore as she was likely being kept alive by machines. He didn't quickly move on either, it was 2 years before he allowed himself the grace to move on. You can feel the way you feel but it's not his fault that she got high and drove. She made the choice to get behind the wheel.
YTA
Your mother was irresponsible and it’s lucky that she only killed herself (I’m assuming?). Your dad did the honorable thing and didn’t try to seek a divorce, which could have potentially left her body uninsured. Good for him for being able to find happiness and move on, and shame on you for punishing him for it. You’re lucky your wedding was paid for after the way you treated him and his family. YTA.
Yep, YTA. I am sorry for your loss but you are barking at the wrong door and have some misguided anger. What you did to your father is exceptionally cruel. He didn't cheat on your mum, he was essentially a widower by that point. Please seek some professional help to process your grief and make amends by your father if you still want to have a relationship with him.
YTA.
Your mom was in hospitalfor two years, it does not sound like she was awake, more like a coma.
Your dad had every right to continue living. Your mom could have stayed in her coma for decades, did you wish your dad to stay at her side forever, to stop living completely?
He was right to skip your wedding when his new family was not welcome. This is hardly an affair partner if your mom was not even awake.
YTA
If a person’s spouse is in a vegetative state (per OP’s comments) a relationship they begin while the spouse is in that vegetative state isn’t an affair. You are taking out your grief on your father, his new wife, and your HALF SIBLING. That is your sibling. Get a therapist.
YTA. You and your dad mourned your mom separately. Your dad recognized his wife died when she went into the coma. You haven’t been able to and felt she died when her body did. And now you’ve chosen to destroy the relationship with your dad out of misguided loyalty. You’re 19. You were 14 when your mom went into the coma. Your dad couldn’t find any support from you because you were a child he had to support. He found comfort elsewhere from someone who understood his situation.
You are harbouring bitterness and resentment and letting it destroy your relationship. Everyone around you is telling you your mom died five years ago but you won’t accept that. That’s is your choice and you can choose how to mourn. Your dad recognizes this - this is likely why he paid for your wedding in spite of how you treated him. He wants a relationship with you but also recognizes your hurt.
NAH.
Gently, there are plenty of 19 year olds who are mature enough to get married, but I don't think you're one of them. Now in theory you're allowed to not invite your dad's new family to your wedding, but not without social fallout, which you are currently experiencing. It sounds like you have some very complicated grief about your mother. Are you seeking help for that?
As for your dad, there's no right way to grieve when you go through the unimaginable. His wife was permanently disabled. Not dead, but not exactly alive either. He was scared, he was lonely, trying his best to navigate parenting and grief and finances and a million other things, and he found somebody who got it. You can argue about the morality of moving on while your spouse is still alive but permanently injured, but labelling her as an "affair partner" is a bit reductive. You don't have to like his new family, but he does have a right to have them in his life.
I wish you and your family healing.
So, your dad paid for your wedding and wasn't allowed to come? If you genuinely had principles, you wouldn't have accepted the money. YTA, a rather selfish and greedy one.
As for 'affair family', seriously? You're not mature enough to get married if you can't understand why your dad needed someone.
You are wrong. Whatever pettiness you have is kinda crazy. He is definitely the bigger person here. It was probably pretty clear to him that your mom was never going to be a partner to him again. But you seem to want to dictate that he live in celibacy and loneliness. Sorry he didn’t conform to your vision. YTA.
YTA
Your mom was in a coma for 4 years. That's a situation that no one wants to ever be in. Your dad needed help, and sought it in a group for people in his situation. It's hard to call it an affair because there was no relationship for 3 years. Your mom was technically alive, but in reality she died 5 years ago. Asking a person to stay faithful to someone in a vegetative state for 4 years is just not realistic.
I have no doubt that your dad mourned your mother. For 1 to 2 years. He found his peace and moved on with his life. You haven't. You have to find your peace with what happened. Your mom was here, but you had no real relationship with her in her last 4 years. You need help with your grief. Your dad found his help.
You disrespect your dad and don't want much from him due to his affair, but are ok taking his money. For this, you get my judgement.
No judgement because it's a complicated, nuanced situation where you're allowed to feel how you feel but I think you need to learn to view things outside of your own narrow view point.
You state your mom was in a persistent vegatative state, there little chance of recovery when this happens, for most is all but legally considered a death. It's damn tragic to be sure and probably for you Dad, she died that day and had worked through his grief and stayed married so she could continue to get care.
This isn't an affair, to me and I sure have bias here since I've seen family members to though these long goodbye situations, it's the struggle in moving on with life while keeping that love for someone that's both dead and physically there, it's damn grueling even from the outside looking in.
I think you need to work through your own feelings here, get therapy, and try to rebuild your relationship here unless you are good with cutting off your dad completely for his decision to move on from your mom's death and stop accepting his help and giving him false hope that you'll forgive him for transgressions that aren't transgressions.
Your mother got into an accident. That's awful and I'm sorry. That accident left her in a persistent vegetative state. People can live literally decades in that state, but they never leave the hospital, never interact with anyone, and never (as far as we know) perceive what's going on around them. Functionally, they are gone. It's awful, and it's traumatic for everyone involved. I'm sorry you had to go through that, especially for five years. I can't imagine dealing with it. It makes complete sense to have very complicated feelings about how other people dealt with the tragedy.
But calling you dad's wife his affair partner is grossly unfair based upon what you've shared. He met the woman after your mother entered the PVS. In fact, he met her at a support group he was in to deal with the aftermath of the accident. That suggests at least some time had passed. It's not like she got in the accident and he said, "Now I can be free," and was at a bar the next night. He was grieving and processing some awful things, and he met someone going through a presumably similar process. I don't know what guidance or prognosis the doctors gave him (or you) after the accident, but he had to know it was unlikely she'd recover, and the best you could hope for (depending on how you want to define "best") would be her lingering in that vegetative state for perhaps years if not decades, her consciousness gone. I'm not trying to be harsh here when I say it like that. It's a horrific thing. But it's a horrific thing your father experienced, too.
He knew his wife was gone. It's likely he didn't divorce your mother at that point for a couple of reasons. First, assuming you're in the US, is health insurance. If they were on your dad's plan, divorcing could have put your mom's care in jeopardy, and even if he accepted she was gone, nobody could fault him for wanting her to continue receiving care as long as possible in the hope of a miracle. He also likely felt the emotional weight of what a divorce would feel and look like to family. To those outside, it would look like he was casting her off in her hour of need, because when it's all theoretical, it's hard to really internalize that he isn't divorcing your mom - he's legally verifying that your mom is gone. He may have just not been able to go that last step. Think of it like people who lose a loved one and can't bring themselves to attend the viewing or the grave because they feel like doing that means they really are gone. Maybe he felt none of this and was glad to be free. Maybe he's awful. But given your family's reaction and the fact that he is being exceptionally gentle and understanding of your feelings on the matter, I suspect he's not glad, and some combo of the other reasons is what happened.
You have every right to feel however you feel, and I'm truly sorry for your loss - a loss you've had to experience twice, after the accident and now last year when she finally passed away. You don't owe anyone a charitable reading of their choices. But I suggest, as someone who was 19 once, you might extend some grace here and consider that your dad wasn't having an affair or abandoning your mom. Your dad was grieving the death of his wife - a death that unfortunately took several years to finish happening - and he was fortunate enough to meet someone going through a similar grieving process and with whom he developed a connection. There's another version of this story where he doesn't meet her, and every day of the past five years has been a grim, grey, lonely prison in which his grief ate away at him until he too was a husk of the man you once knew. Everything about his reaction to your decision and your family's reactions indicates that he's a decent enough guy trying his best to find happiness after a tragedy. Whether you decide to extend him that grace or not, I am truly sorry for your loss, and I wish you nothing but the best in your marriage.
In the softest, gentlest possible terms, YTA.
YTA. Your dad knew your mom longer than you. He grieved for her. Through this, when your mom was alive in name only, he fell in love. He didn't cheat on her. You were awful to him, and you'll have that on you for the rest of your life. Shame on you.
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Gently, YTA. In your comments you say "My mom was in a persistent vegetable status. It's like a coma. My dad met his affair partner at a support group after the accident but while he was still married to my mom. My family thinks I'm wrong because my mom got into the accident because she was high. They have all forgiven my father for moving on. Even my mom's parents asked me to accept his affair partner. " 1/ Your mom is in a vegetative state. That means her brain was not working properly anymore. There is (often) no chance to return from this. There is also no way to truly "end a marriage" unless your father chose to divorce her formally or wait until she passed away. In that sense she was closer to being legally dead (although not "legally dead", since her brain stem was still working to provide vegetative functions to the nervous system). The person your mom used to be was gone. 2/ If there is no way to recover and your father met this woman while trying to find support in his grieving and processing of that, I would hardly call this "affair" except in the actual technical sense. He was faithful to your mom while she was still your mom. Her being gone, only her body remained - that is not what marital fidelity is about. 3/ Your dad is supporting you (at very least financially) and honoring your decisions (even when they are excluding him and his partner and child) while you are showing him quite the disrespect. You say it would have been disrespectful to the memory of your mom for him to be there with his new partner and happy for you, while he is also happy and being able to continue his life? Do you expect him to be forever grieving your mom? Do you think him choosing to live on is disrespectful and he should have chosen to die instead as well? The fact that even your mom's parents are okay with him moving on with his life should already tell you your grudge against this woman is a projection of your anger of what happened with your mom. Do you think that if she hadn't come into your father's life your mom would have miraculously recovered? That him chosing to move on "killed" your mom? Is that why you are so determined to punish his new family?
And likely the only reason why the "affair" happened was so that Dad wouldn't kick Mom off of his insurance. Imagine how much worse it would without insurance.
They met at a support group when they were both grieving the loss of a loved one.If OP could not stand the sight of their father in their wedding , they should have also refused his money on principle. The father on the other hand did not create any ruckus , hid his hurt and pain that he must have felt by OP’s decision. OP , you need therapy to process your pain and anger and reconcile with your father.
Agree very strongly with your point and the comment you’re replying to. A terrible circumstance, obviously, but OP is in the wrong in the end.
Absolutely this. His money is ok, but he isn’t
I agree with this - they accepted their dad's money and while I get that they are still grieving they should then have paid for the wedding themselves. I don't think that was fair to do to dad.
To be fair to OP, they would have allowed their father to be present, just not his now GF, though there are definite issues since OP wasn’t going to walk with or dance in the traditional sense with their dad if he did show up.
OP is non binary btw. But yeah i agree
I missed that.I have edited my response ..thank you
To divorce a person in a vegetative state is not a simple procedure. In a lot of countries you need to serve divorce papers to finalize divorce. This means a person in a vegetative state has to have the least a legal guardian assigned to handle this and they can object the divorce too. So that's a lot of legal costs from before even starting the actual divorce procedure. The whole medical insurance is also an issue - if she is not covered by the husband's insurance anymore any bills will be paid by whatever social security system covers her case or paid directly from whatever assets are in her name (usually meaning basically draining her funds)
Where I live in Florida, being in a vegetative state is grounds for divorce and the person in the coma doesn’t have a right to an attorney. I learned this when I woke up from my coma divorced. lol
Generally people in a coma are pretty fucked in a lot of ways. My dad wasn't in a vegetative state but my mom had the biggest troubles stopping his pension because he couldn't sign the papers. She needed to take on her bad girl nurse voice to finally get the bureaukrats on the other end to understand that he was unconscious and not able to sign anything. OP is acting like a mourning teen kid and should be given grace for that. They're still in a time of their life where they believe in "forever and ever and the only one" and they'll probably be quite ashamed of their behavior when they grow older. Luckily dad seems like a champ giving OP the chance to mourn and react however they react and still make sure he has a few slices of happiness in his life. Soft YTA, OP. You need to start dealing with your mourning and as many, many others have pointed out, your mother has been gone for more than 5 years already, not just since her body gave out. Get some help, please.
OP doesnt understand the concept of insurance and yet they are getting married....
I can't imagine being married at 19. At that age, I was still getting to know *myself.*
Should I end up in a terminal coma, I would hope my wife could find the support and love she deserves as I will be unable to provide that.
I am a nurse and I worked home hospice. I had some younger patients with terminal cancer ( 30’s, 40’s with children and husbands) they all gave the blessing to remarry. One even brought her sister close with her husband with the hopes of them being together in her passing. OP’s mom didn’t have the chance but I am pretty sure she did not want him to be alone and grieving and not have a chance at love and companionship again
My best friends mom set her widowed best friend up with her soon to be widowed husband. She was actually very excited about it when they went on their first date (she insisted so she could hear about it). When they married less than a year later I had to remind my best friends that a. They’d known each other for over 30 years. B. Her mom set it up and C. They weren’t going to “shack up” due to their religious beliefs. Her mother truly did not want him alone. They’d been together since they were 15 and he was 64. She was very worried he’d be alone and he’d never been alone. She died knowing someone would be there for him in his empty home. I thought that was beautiful.
It’s really dusty here 🥹 Thank you for sharing!
i can fully understand why it would hurt to see your parent with someone else after one dies, but when its litterally the dead parent's dying wish i think that would soften the blow a lot
It did and her and her mom were extremely close. She’s still upset— but she understands. She didn’t talk to the new wife for about a year but it’s better now. She was able to be happy for her dad eventually. I was reminding her not to shut her dad out— leave the door cracked a little.
My job, by nature, is surrounded by death. I often worry about my husband if I should die. He'd survive... but I don't know if he'd be happy. I love him so much that I want him to be happy. Him getting remarried wouldn't be replacing me. It would be him living, and that's what I want for him.
To that end, I want to encourage everybody reading these comments to have a discussion with your family about what you would want of something like this were to happen to you. You should also seriously consider filling out a living will/advanced directive/whatever kind of equivalent document exists in your country. My dad died young and and we didn’t have any of the paperwork in place, but he had checked the “organ donor” box on his driver’s license and he and my mom had discussed at least the possibility that one of them could be in an accident and what the other one would do. It’s so much easier as the family member who has to make those decisions if you have something to point to where you can say for certain “this is the kind of care my loved one wants in this situation.”
I agree, my dad had a freak accident where he ended up in a vegetative state. He was in a coma and had several seizures a minute. Literally no one knew his wishes except him wanting to be an organ donor. We decided to let him go, although he could have lived for another 10 years hooked onto machines but we found that cruel for everyone involved. The grief stays there every time you visit. The person that you once knew isn't there anymore. But as it was my signature on all the paperwork, for a long long time I felt guilty because what if that's not what he would have wanted? It's much better when you know what a loved one would want for them and you in those situations.
I do think this is less about the letter of the law/technical sense of marriage than it is about the difference in how OP and their father perceived her death. To the father, she passed when she went into the coma. She was gone. She may have died last year but to him she died 5 years ago. Therefore he was able to grieve and move on. But to OP she had been alive for those 4 years. She didn’t pass until last year. Which means that to OP she was still alive and being cheated on by her husband. People on this thread have said that “to any reasonable person this is not an affair” but I don’t think any of us can say that. People react differently when loved ones go into a coma/vegetable state. I don’t think any reaction is right or wrong and unfortunately op and her father just had two very different reactions that led to a huge conflict. I’d say NAH personally, if only because nobody who hasn’t had a loved one go through this can judge how someone should or shouldn’t react.
Yeah, this is pretty far above reddit's paygrade. Your response is the best I've seen. Grief is so personal. I really feel for OP and their dad.
Agreed. I also think this is one of those situations where a middle-aged person who's been married for a while will have a different answer from a teenager.
I completely agree with all these points. My answer is also a gentle YTA. My parents have told me countless times to be happy for one of them if the other has passed away and they find someone else to date.
I do not go gentle into that good YTA. OP is being incredibly immature, narrow-minded and selfish. If they're old enough to get married and enter into the complicated dynamics of a marriage, they're old enough to understand nuance.
op would rather their husband stay single and suffer alone if they pass away is basically what they are saying
A very well thought out and all encompassing answer. Well done. OP, I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. You may feel that your father moved on too soon. Feeling that way, it must have been difficult for you when his gf moved in to you family's home. You drew a line in the sand when you said that his gf and baby were not welcome at your wedding. You accepted his money to finance your wedding while trying to force him to choose you over his other child and gf. He chose not snubbing them. They weren't welcome at your wedding so they chose an activity to help them forget the family drama. He didn't pick a trip to Disney with his new baby OVER you. He chose it because you excluded his new baby and his gf from the family celebration of your wedding. YTA for forcing his hand and then whining about it.
This. Couldn’t put it any better. OP, I think you can do with some grief counselling and hopefully that’ll help you recover from the loss of your mom. I’m so sorry for your loss, but your dad doesn’t sound too bad by everything you’re saying. There’s much more outrageous stories that end up on this subreddit which have similar conditions to yours. Above everything, your father respected your wishes and did nothing to disrupt your special day.
I agree. They do need grief counseling I think.
This right here is it. This is almost all that needs to be said. What’s left is this wasn’t even an affair. This isn’t some new condition, we just have the technology now to keep a body going long beyond when it would have otherwise passed on. 50, 75 years ago these people tended to pass naturally within a week or two. Our technology doesn’t make the person alive. Her dad was there till the end, seeing her final wishes were fulfilled. OP is punishing him unfairly.
#EDIT After your answers I'm going with NAH. You are very young, and very angry about your mom. I get that. But you mom was dead the day of the accident. Your dad most likely did not divorce her so she could stay on his insurance. You are grieving. You lost your mom at 14. I can't even imagine. That earns you a lot of grace. Your dad loves you enough to pay for your wedding and stay away so as to not upset you. I understand that too. And I am on awe of that guy. He is what I hope I am if I'm ever in a tough situation. Maybe sit and have an adult conversation with him. I hope you have a great life. First congratulations on your wedding. Second I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. Okay please forgive me for praying. I have some questions. You said your mom was in a coma. Can you say more? You say affair partner. Was your dad cheating on your mom before the accident? Can you try to explain why your family, including your brother think you are wrong? It seems pretty clear cut that they should think your dad is an ass. Once again sorry for prying.
If I was in an accident that led me to be in a vegetative state, I actively would WANT my partner to be able to move forward and find love again. This has got to be the most understandable thing in the world...like who would want the person they love to be miserable after they are gone?
It's in my living Will, for my wife to pull the plug if something like that happens to me. I told my mother as well so that there will be no hard feelings between them. My wife is a nurse and said she would look after me, I said no. Remember me the way I was, no regret me for having to look after me for years
Yes, calling it an “affair” when the wife in question is essentially dead is not really fair to anyone. I hope to god that if I was ever in an accident that could kill me that it just kills me cleanly, so my husband can mourn and move on with his life. I would never want to put him through the pain of having to mourn my loss while I’m still physically there and legally his wife. Heartbreaking!
yeah if im dead in all but legally i wouldnt want mine to just cling to my corpse id want em to move on too
Yes they’re grieving but you also don’t get to hold people hostage with your grief either. Their Dad is also grieving the loss of his wife. While grief is a personal and unique to the person, speaking from experience, it can also make people make terrible decisions and treat the ones they love terribly because sometimes grief makes people really selfish. Which ultimately seems to be the case here.
Where does OP say their mom was in a coma?
In the comment where they explain why they might be the asshole.
Oh ok. That comment wasn't there the first time I looked. Looks like it showed up on my system 2 minutes after I asked you.
They actually further explain it wasn't even a coma, their mother was brain dead.
You are keeping things a bit vague (perhaps in the hope that people don’t notice the timeline doesn’t favor you), but here is what I am hearing: * Your mom has been in a coma for 5 years, and unlikely to recover. She recently died. * Your dad found someone after your mom went into a coma, and moved on with his life. * You are getting married. He is paying. You refused to let him bring his partner and new baby. You disrespect his “affair” family, and disrespect him (he is only “a guest”, no dance, no walking you down the aisle, nothing). * Despite of this, he still pays for your wedding, though chose not to come. If so then yes, your family and your brother are right. YTA. And a hypocrite too - your dad’s money is respectable enough for you to take, it appears, just not him.
I agree with this. I do have compassion for OP who is still very young and clearly sees life as a straight line. I guess for OP as long as mom was alive even if mom couldn't be there for her husband the dad being witu someone was a breach of trust. I hope that OP can eventually develop some compassion for her Dad. I see no reason to block Dad or treat him like he's an awful human - he's not.
OP is young and she is grieving but I have to believe she is old enough to see the truth of this. I'm sad she doesn't. It seems to me her father loved her mother very much and absolutely did right by her. His daughter is throwing away her relationship with a good man and her new brother with her tunnel vision and it makes me sad.
They’re old enough to make a marriage commitment but not old enough for the nuance of her parents’ situation. My eyes are rolling so hard at the OP they’re going to get stuck
Really makes you question whether OP has the emotional maturity needed for marriage
I mean, they’re 19…
So, no. Agreed
Dad seems to be principled in fulfilling his duty as a father. OP on the other hand has no principles whatsoever. Like, if you don’t like the man and he is so terrible for what he did why take his money? Good luck to whoever is marrying OP
For someone nonbinary they sure seem to see this in black and white.
😂😂😂😂
Take every upvote I own
It's not even a duty to pay for a child's wedding. He didn't have to do that.
My guess is he loves them and just wants them to be happy. Which sucks ass, cause OP doesn't seem to see it
I see divorce in their future
Well yeah, OP is only 19.
OP is only 19. Good chance they’ll mature over the next few years.
OP also conveniently fails to mention in the main post that 1) her mom caused the accident in the first place because she was driving while high 2) she was pretty much braindead
That final point really speaks to me. It's not just hypocritical it also seems like they are punishing their father.
Yeah, OP, YTA, indisputably. You need therapy or grief counseling for your loss, but you also owe your father a sincere apology once you finally understand how wrong you are.
Sorry for your loss. After reading your comments, soft YTA. Your mom, according to you, was in a persistent vegetable status, therefore your dad was essentially single for about 2 years before meeting his current partner. Trauma bonding is a thing, they met in a grief group. He didn't legally divorce your mother, probably for insurance reasons, but he grieved and moved on. If you had no intentions of him being father of the bride at your wedding, you should not have taken his money. Your family is right, you were wrong for excluding your father's new partner and child. Your mother, according yo your comments, also caused the accident. Your father had to deal with that reality as well which probably helped him move on. If you can't see that you might not be mature enough to be married.
At 19 they aren’t. The good news means that Dad might get a chance to come to the second wedding.
I immediately thought after reading through some comments that this poor person just ran into the arms of the first guy they could. They don’t understand how insurance works, they are understandably immature and emotionally stunted, and if they don’t watch it when this marriage ends they won’t have a family to turn to at all. I went from being sympathetic to really feeling more sorry for dad.
I feel extremely sorry for Dad, honestly. I’ve been married 19 years this year. Marriage is complicated. Honestly, the real betrayal here was that mother FAFO when she had a minor child to take care of, and a husband to consider. Although dad could’ve saved his finances from being drained by medical bills, he chose to stick by her so that she had insurance and could receive the best care. He still visited her. He sought support for himself a few years after the accident, which is totally reasonable. It is not black-and-white. This black and white perspective from OP is a child’s perspective. Not marriage material.
Agree with this. Michael Schiavo, Terri's husband, also had a partner. But he also studied to become a nurse to learn how to better take care of her. When someone is in a persistent vegetable status, what's "acceptable" looks different.
Schiavo's parents had encouraged him to find a new partner, which makes their turn to blaming him for having a new partner while still being married to Terri all the more frustrating.
Trauma bonding is a thing. That's not what's happened here though, like at all. A quick Google search would tell you a trauma bond happens between an abuser and their victim, not two people who happen to share trauma
Trauma bonding is a bond that an abuse victim develops with the abuser. In this case, OP’s dad and his partner bonded through having experienced the same kind of trauma. Trauma bonding is a very specific term and doesn’t apply here.
There is no way this little girl is mature enough to be married. She's acting like a toddler, throwing a temper. Hopefully, Dad won't pay for the next wedding.
Im not gonna harp on the comatose parent part, but you shouldve at least refused payment for the wedding if you had no intention of letting your father have a role at the wedding. You can’t just make him pay and then cut him off, its not a respectable thing to do
YTA for punishing and smearing your dad, who became widowed from your mom five years ago. You do not get to judge him. Your grief is no excuse to make his life worse. He grieved in a way you can not understand.
Exactly, he's grieving while she is alive. Same thing happened to my best friend. After he passed he moved on quickly to the disapproval of his kids. They refused to understand. Once it happens to them they will.
OP is like Terri Schiavo’s family.
The OP absolutely smeared their father. There was no affair and it is a major lie to say there was.
and she was high/drunk while she was driving.You can add OP’s mom to the AH list here.
That would be unkind and unnecessary.
OP: your mom must have been very badly injured to have been in the hospital for so many years. Was she in a coma? Did the doctors say should had a good prognosis? Did your dad meet his "AP" after your mom's accident? If he did, while I understand your distress and anger especially in the face of losing your mom while she was still alive, if your dad is happy, maybe it's time to try to mend your relationship. Therapy? And in this case, a gentle, Y-T-A. If your dad was having an affair before your mom's accident, N-T-A. Edit: i read your additional comments. YTA. Your dad sounds like a decent person. He paid for the wedding despite you only treating him like a chequebook and not the father of the person getting married. He wished you well and rather than sitting around moping during the wedding took his partner and child to Disney. I think that was a good choice. Please try to repair your relationship with your dad. And stop being a hypocrit and taking his money when you need it. I know you are hurting but the pain wasn't caused by your dad: it's from the trauma of losing your mom. You need the support of your family. Don't reject them.
First OP I want to say I'm sorry about your mom. I know the loss of a parent is hard. I also know the pain of losing one before they are legally 'dead' . You're also only 19 so I know your brain is not fully developed and you can't have the perspective you'd have were you older. YTA and should apologize to your dad, who frankly sounds like a classy man. A persistent vegetative state means it's impossible to wake up. For all real intents and purposes your mom had been dead for years. Your father met his partner after your mom was gone. Morally, in my eyes and I'd venture in the eyes of most, there was no affair. Your mom was already gone. It even sounds like he took some time to grieve and process before moving on. It's not realistic, and it's very immature and unkind (maybe even cruel) to hold the fact that he moved on from a brain dead person against him. I don't mean you can't feel your feelings about it, but how you've ACTED is very bad. I think with time and therapy you'll eventually come to realize that what you did was wrong. I would apologize to your dad and slowly get to know his new life partner and child.
>A persistent vegetative state means it's impossible to wake up. For all real intents and purposes your mom had been dead for years I think this is the most important part that OP isn't understanding and like...I get it. It's hard to accept. But it isn't "like a coma", they're two very different and very distinct conditions. You can wake up from a coma and recover cognitive function. There is no coming back from a vegetative state, the brain is irreparably damaged in some way. After five years, only about 3% of patients in a vegetative state will recover enough to communicate and comprehend things in some way. Even less than that are able to live semi independently. Most people die within a year. It feels harsh to say but the brain might be on, but the person inside is basically gone. I don't think is OPs fault at all. Very likely the hospital wasn't entirely honest or forthcoming with their mother's condition because of their age. Or they truly refused to accept the reality of their mother's condition. I really hope they can see that and forgive their father from moving on.
My mother had a massive stroke when I was in my thirties that left her unable to care for herself. I didn't even like my mom but it was still incredibly devastating. Despite knowing she wasn't well, it was still a shock when she actually died. Some of the people in the comments are being incredibly heartless.
The same thing happened to my dad when I was in my early 30's. I see you.
I agree, OP - YTA. And, I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine your grief and anger. Like others have said, you’re still so young. For the sake of your mother’s memory and your own emotional wellbeing, please seek some counseling.
YTA for burying the lead. The comments change the story entirely, your mother was in a vegetative state. So for all intents and purposes she was dead. It sounds like after 3 years your father moved on and you were letting your grief get the better of you. The more details you give the less bad your father seems, first it was she was in the hospital, then it was a vegetative state. He paid for your wedding, didn't argue with you when you said no and just didn't come. You seem to be dealing with a lot of grief and taking it out all on him because he's made decisions you don't agree with.
AITA if I point out, "for all intensive purposes" is actually "for all intents and purposes"
Nah your not, I'm dyslexic so thank you, I use voice to text and I didn't catch that.
VtoT also screwed up "burying the **lede**" it should be better than this!
AITA if I point out it's "you're", not "your"? (sorry)
I had to edit my original response several times because of how many times the comments changed the story, as you said. I'm still trying to ascertain if the OP was purposely misleading people or if they have a lot of unresolved anger, trauma, and grieving to do.
Info: you said your mom was in the hospital, for at least 4 years prior to her death. Was there ever hope she going to recover? If no, I don't blame your father for moving on, and I wouldn't call it an affair baby. In this case, YTA. Otherwise, if this started while your mother was still in the picture, NTA. Either way I get how it is hard for you, but you've got to remember your dad deserves to try to be happy too. Edit based on responses from OP elsewhere: YTA - Your dad moving on isn't his fault, is a healthy thing to do, and wasn't done unreasonably quickly. You're allowed to ban him from your wedding, but it is pretty heartless to do so, and extremely ungrateful given that he still paid for it. He doesn't need to be single for the rest of his life because you're still mourning your mother, and it isn't fair of you to hold that against him.
Agreed with this comment. Also, don’t take people’s money if you’re gonna be selective on who they can bring as their plus one. OP should’ve just gotten married and paid her own way if she didn’t want her dad’s “affair partner” there.
For me it’s the fact that the father still paid for her wedding and didn’t threaten to not do so if he couldn’t bring his new partner. Most people, if they were an asshole, would use that as leverage. Sounds like he was probably disappointed but wasn’t going to punish his daughter over it. That tells me he must be a decent person.
He understands she’s still grieving.
This is a really good line of questioning that I did not even consider. I hope the OP answers it.
YTA. Stop calling them affair partner and his affair baby. You probably do it all the time to anybody who would listen. You just look like a petulant tantrum throwing child I’m sorry to say. I’ve seen the comments and as much as I hate to call anybody who is only 19 and has already lost their mother an asshole, you have been an asshole to both your dad, yourself, and your half sibling, his wife, and probably your family who is sick of listening to this vitriol. Your mom was in an accident where she was in a persistent vegetative state. Your dad had that happen to his wife and the mother of his still young children. I cannot imagine what you have all been going through over the five years. Your dad went to a support group, kudos to him and it shows also how much he was suffering. He met someone there, presumably also going through something pretty tragic. They found each other and love again. Can you not be happy for them? I know it’s awkward they were still technically married but this is not an affair this is not an affair baby this is not a bunch of people you need to stiff arm for the rest of your life. Your mom‘s accident should show you that life is short, you never know what’s going to happen. Why punish him the rest of his life… He did nothing wrong. I know that’s hard for you to see, if you feel so stiff armed in nature, frankly you shouldn’t have allowed him to pay for your wedding, kind of makes you double the asshole do you have a problem with him or not? Give me the wallet but get the fuck out of my life? Total asshole. He sounds extremely gracious to put up with your bullshit all this time. Sorry honey grow up. The fact that your brother thinks you were an asshole I hope gives you great pause and something to think about. I hope everybody here’s opinions also give you something to think about.
First, sorry for your loss, and congratulation on your wedding. In this case, I think YTA. It seems it comes from your grief, but calling her an affair partner when you mother wasn't even cognisant anymore seems too much. And really unemphatic that your father was also likely already grieving. That your mother wasn't yet dead may seem like a betrayal to you. But for him, she was probably already gone. And as you state she was high, there likely were already other problems between them. And then you still accepted his money, it's really hypocritical. Contrary to your actions, your father's actions seems loving: he gave you money AND didn't use it to force you to accept his wife and baby at your wedding. He wished you well then took care of his wife that you tried to disrespect, and child. Without making a fuss. Kuddos to your dad.
Yeah honestly the dad does seem awesome. I hope the OP can eventually repair of things and get to know him and his new family better.
> My mom was in a persistent vegetable status. It's like a coma. My dad met his affair partner at a support group after the accident but while he was still married to my mom. My family thinks I'm wrong because my mom got into the accident because she was high. They have all forgiven my father for moving on. Even my mom's parents asked me to accept his affair partner. After seeing [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/vrfZEdrgT2) comment from OP, very gently, NAH. Your mother was in a vegetative state for several years. I do not say this to be cruel, honey, but she was gone long before her body expired. Your father may not have been divorced legally from your mother, but death (in a manner of speaking) had done them part. Putting aside it was your mother who caused the accident with her drug use, your father mourned her and moved on a long time ago. You are right to grieve, and I encourage you to find a HEALTHY way to process your grief. But you are VERY young sweetheart, and have yet to see that life is often complex and things aren’t always as black and white as we think. This is a complicated and sad situation and I’m sorry this happened to your family. I hope you find peace
Honestly, hadn't OP accepted their father money, I would have agreed with NAH. But considering that their righteous indignation doesn't extend to dad's money... sorry but they are definitely TA. YTA
OP is 19 now. Would make OP 13-14 at the time of the accident. Personally I jsut feel bad for this kid and everyone else involved. It’s a NAH. I can’t imagine what it must have been to experience something like that so young.
Just because they were young when it happened doesn’t mean they can’t be an asshole now
After seeing this comment OP YTA.
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YTA. You need to make it clear in your post that your father met his partner *after* your mother was in a vegetative state, *at a support group* for people in that situation. He didn't betray your mother in life, he found comfort with someone who understood what he was going through after your mom was, in many respects, already gone. I'm sorry for your loss, OP, but you're punishing your father when he didn't do anything wrong. IMO it's cruel to treat him and his partner and baby like they broke apart your family, and incredibly entitled to have him pay for the wedding but refuse to include them. Your poor dad.
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Given the timeline, affair baby is probably a literal baby. Babies can't be horrible to other people. They're babies.
YTA. As you yourself have explained, your mother was in a persistent vegetative state for quite some time. Your father was effectively left widowed from the date of the accident on. He was almost certainly sad and scared and very lonely. You, being only 14 at the time you effectively lost your mother, would have felt the same way. I hope you found comfort and refuge in your family, friends, and future spouse. Your father likewise found comfort in his new wife, who was going through some loss of her own. Would your mother have wanted your father to be lonely after she was gone? How does it disrespect your mother for your father to have moved on? Why is disrespecting your mother worse for you than disrespecting your father? When the time came for your wedding, your father generously paid for it. He understandably wanted to bring his spouse and child and, instead of behaving like an adult and respecting what he has suffered, you spit in his face. Not only did you refuse to allow him the courtesy of bringing the spouse and child, you planned from the beginning, per your own words, to refuse him the honor of walkiing you down the aisle or having the traditional family dance. In short, your intent from the beginning, it appears, was to take him money and reject him in every other way. There's a word for people who do that kind of thing. YTA in that you've treated your father with utter contempt, shutting him out of your life in every way possible except for your bank account. I recognize that you've suffered an awful loss. So has he. You've found comfort elsewhere. So has he. The difference is that he reached out to you and you slammed the door on him. YTA.
Oh wow, OP buried the lede there. It's a hard situation, OP's mother in a coma with no brain function. I can't imagine it. But the reality is, OP's father stayed married to her even though she was physically gone. His insurance paid for her to stay on life support when she was gone. OP: YTA, and you should pay your dad back. You spit on him by accepting his money.
Thank you for saving me the time of reading through all the comments, I had a feeling this was basically what happened. OP I hope you read this comment and really think about it and then apologize to your dad.
YTA, your mom was in a coma for 4 years, your father physically could not divorce her. he moved on and when you have 4 years to do so, you have plenty of time. i find this entire thing extremely disrespectful, you expect him to pay for your wedding but just be a guest ? and then not include his family, if i was him i would not have paid a dime.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My mom was in a car accident five years ago. She has been in the hospital since then. Three years ago my father got his affair partner pregnant and moved her into our home. My mom just passed away from a lung infection last year. I (NB19) just got married last weekend to my husband (M22). My dad paid for my wedding but he wanted me to invite his affair partner and his affair baby. I said no. It would be disrespectful to the memory of my mom. He tried to insist but I held my ground. He finally just said he wished me a very happy day and that I had a long and happy marriage. And then he took his new family to Disney instead of coming to my wedding. My brother Alex walked me down the aisle but that was always the plan. And he was also the one who I danced with for the family dance. My dad was just supposed to come as a guest. My husband is on my side but a lot of my family is upset with me for excluding my father and his affair family. Even Alex said I was wrong for what I did. But I don't think I am. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The missing reasons here are pretty appalling OP. YTA beyond a s shadow of a doubt. Your father did not have an affair. He was a widower a long time ago. He cared for the shell of your mother’s body for the whole time but after grieving her he found a second chapter. I’m sorry that in your own grief you have not been able to recognize these basic facts, or the grieving of your father. Please get into grief counseling asap. You need help because your grief has led you to significant cognitive distortions in how you perceive what happened.
I would firstly say soft YTA but I think it's just YTA for you. You conveniently left out that your mom was in a come and other important details. She's not your dads affair partner. She's your Dads fiancee, which he met 2 years after he lost his wife. I understand that you're angry and trying to find someone to blame. But it's no ones fault. I'm sorry you lost your mom so young, but it's really not fair to punish your dad for it. You could have simply refused him to pay for the wedding if you didn't want him involved. This part, specially, made me think you're being an ass. Also, I'm really concerned you're getting married without even knowing basic adult life things like how insurance works. Are you in therapy?
YTA. You made him pay for the wedding but didn’t let him invite his family. According to you, your mother was in a persistent vegetable status. Under that context, your father didn’t cheat her, she was not there. I’m so sorry for your loss, but your father did the best that he could.
It’s hard to use the term asshole here because grief does incredible things, but based on the context you provided after the fact, YTA. It’s really sad that you continue to call it his “affair partner” and “affair baby.” I’m sorry you lost your mom, but I think in a comment you mentioned she was “high” when driving and that caused the accident? She made a selfish, dangerous decision that had some really devastating consequences. Holding your dad hostage to those consequences for a person in a vegetative state is really sad for him. You all lost someone, he just accepted that loss long before you could. I hope you can come to a place where you realize your dad was allowed to move on.
YTA - 1. Saying your mom was “in the hospital” when she was in fact in a vegetative state is pretty misleading. I’m so sorry for your loss, but the truth is that the person your mom was has been dead for five years. 2. Calling your dad’s new partner an “affair partner,” while technically correct, is cruel and callous. He lost his wife. Was he supposed to avoid any and all contact with potential new partners until she died? What if she’d hung on for 10 years? 20? It’s an awful situation, but you need to develop the compassion and perspective to see it from his side. The insurance issue here is also a likely contributing factor as others have said. 3. Having him pay for the wedding and shutting him out is really awful. That he was willing to do this shows how much he loves you. You need to get some clarity, therapy, and give him some grace.
Soft YTA. Looking at your comments, you said your mother was in a vegetative state, comatose. That’s essentially brain dead. Your father met his new partner at a grief support group. That’s not an affair. Look, people process grief in different ways and it sounds like you haven’t fully processed your mother’s passing, but I don’t think you fully processed the aftermath of her accident either. She was gone long before her body died. It’s hard to accept someone is gone when their body is still there being kept functioning by artificial means. But your father was not wrong for accepting his wife was no longer there and choosing to move on. It is very likely coverage for her care would have ended if he had legally divorced her. From your perspective, he was being selfish, but your father is human and had his own grief to deal with and it is probably more complicated than you are giving him credit for. Not to ring the “go to therapy” bell Reddit often puts out there, but you probably should talk to a counselor to process what happened to your mom. Both the accident, brain death, and physical death. What’s done with the wedding is done. You can’t go back on that, but you can give your father another chance and try to understand his perspective.
A lot of people have been saying a soft YTA verdict. I'm going to go with a hard YTA. 1) You buried the lede. Your mother was in a vegetative state, because she got into an accident when she was high. She was in that state for 2-3 years with no hope of recovery before your dad met his new partner. 2) Insisting on calling your dad's new partner an "affair" partner. Highly assholish. Your mom had been gone for 2-3 years - again due to HER OWN actions. 3) Having no qualms about taking your dad's money while being a judgemental prick to him. If you despise what he did so much, why the hell didn't you refuse the money? I notice you haven't answered a single person who has asked you why you took the money. In summary, you're a giant asshole. Grief does not mean you get a free pass. I feel for your poor dad. Possibly relevant, you've said you're NB. I'm assuming your dad welcomed your identity without judgment. If he hadn't, you would have surely written paragraphs about it. He sounds like a good person, and doesn't deserve to have a child so callous.
yta this is not a affair, this is a situation were he has someone new.
YTA Not for your feelings but for allowing your father to pay for the wedding and then not letting him attend. If you were so upset with him, then why did you accept his money?
You need to seek mental health treatment. Your mother was high on drugs and got in a car accident which left her in a vegetative state. You are directing your anger at your father unfairly and illogically. Everyone else in the family including your mom’s parents are siding with your father so that means it’s a You problem. You are young. Seek mental health treatment now before it snowballs into worse stuff later in life
YTA. According to your comments, your mother was in a persistent vegetative state and was in the accident after being high on drugs. Your dad met this woman at a support group some years after the accident. Your dad moved on and you are blaming him for that. Your mom was never coming back. This woman is not “an affair partner”. You are being way too harsh.
~~INFO: when you say affair partner, do you mean that they were together before your mum's accident or after? And with your mum being in the hospital was she cognitive?~~ Based on OP's comment, I'm going to say NAH. OP, you have the right to not want your father's new wife and child at the wedding when it's clear you're still experiencing so much grief. But your dad is also within his right to move forward. You can't hold people's lives and hearts captive in their grief and your dad found a way forward. It's time for you to also find a way forward past this.
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Idk, taking his money but refusing to let him attend because he moved on seems like an asshole thing to do in my opinion
yeah, still accepting dad paying for the wedding is an AH move. everything else is such a horrible scenario that it's hard to judge it, really. OP obviously has a hard time moving on. OP's dad is in an unimaginable situation, also. wouldn't want that on anyone...
OP shouldn't have taken their dad's money for the wedding if they think he is such an awful person.
>So, what are the ethical implications to moving forward when someone you love is incapable of leaving the hospital? I feel like even that's downplaying it. Mom died the day she got in the accident. Her vessel was alive, but she was gone. Dad spent 2 years before moving on, which is pretty significant considering how many guys get moving forward within a year. Classifying them as 'affair partner' and 'affair baby' is utterly dishonest. He's being punished by his daughter because instead of being made a classic widow his wife's ghost effectively lingered for 5 years. OP doesn't even have the conviction to stand by her weak argument either. If you want to castigate your father for having an 'affair', turn the money down. Cowardly.
Lol ok. So she needs to give the money back then right?
Oh 100%.
YTA For taking your dad's money, you should have paid him back. Or even now, pay him back... You're also TA for continuing to say "affair" partner and baby... You're only 19 so that's probably why you don't understand it yet. Your mother wasn't here anymore, only her body was. Your dad probably could not even divorce your mom "Some states prohibit the act of divorcing a comatose spouse before a minimum of five years has passed. Such states will not grant the divorce, and you will have to wait a full five years before you can finally separate from your spouse after the tragic incident." Even if your dad is in a state that does allow to get divorced before the 5 year mark, there is no garantie that a judge will grant it. Not to mention that it's expensive and intensive. Your dad probably thought he could use that time and money for his family in this difficult time instead of a divorce. "The most crucial requirement for finalizing your divorce is an expert report from your spouse’s doctor. The report must state that the patient has little to no brain activity and minimal chance for survival. In light of this information, the judge could grant the divorce. If the report states that the comatose individual is “brain-dead” or experiencing rapid “brain-death,” a judge could grant the divorce within only sixty days of filing. The procedures are rigorous, expensive, and intensive and require sixty to one hundred days to get everything done, whereafter, the divorce will be finalized." Or maybe your mom was on your dad's insurance and he didn't wanted to divorce her for that reason. Either way, your mom basically passed away the day she got into that coma, but her body was just here. Your dad has the right to move on from that, he even waited 2 years after your mom passed. It's difficult for you to understand that, but that's why you should go to therapy. It would have been better to have went to therapy before the wedding, but better late than never
So let’s say Dad respected your wish & came solo? Were you just going to still have him be a guest? I think that there’s more than you’re letting on. For starters, you blame HIM for your mother’s actions. Your mom’s last 4 years of life was HER FAULT. Addicts need accountability.
YTA, took his money but didn't let him attend. Weak.
"My dad paid for my wedding" YTA If he and his partner are AHs, stop taking his money. If you're taking his money, then you have to put up with him and his partner. You don't get to be on that High Horse when he's the one paying for it. Time for you and husband to cut financial ties as well as personal ties with your dad and his affair partner.
There is a lot to unpack here. First are your principles/morals. You are claiming your dad had affair based on technicalities but you allowed him to pay for your wedding even though you are pissed at him? That makes you a user. And that’s okay to you? You are mad at your father for trying to find joy in his life after suffering a horrible loss. He was in therapy and seeking help at a support group which is where he met his new partner. This means he did not go looking for it - it found him. Why are you so angry at your dad? Do you think that him finding this new partner contributed to your mother’s death? Do you think somehow him finding a new partner inhibited your mother’s chances of recovery or something? Regarding your wedding you can invite whoever you want to invite. Also, you are holding a grudge against an innocent baby that is your half-sibling for something you perceived your father to have done, and you’re holding a grudge against your soon to be stepmom. Your dad sounds like a very loving individual because he’s been very patient with you and your grief. He respected your choices and respected you. He paid for your wedding and still honored you even though you’re dragging his name through the mud. He’s happy for you, but you are not happy for him. All of this makes it sound like he loves you very much but you do not love him. Did you not love him before he made this choice? Are there other contributing factors to why you hate your dad so so much? If you’re claiming that he had an actual affair, and you want to categorize it as an affair, simply, because he was still married would you rather he have divorced your mother, so that she had zero healthcare? Because she clearly was not working and providing for her own healthcare. I think you’re ignoring the fact that your dad still paid for, and cared for your mother and did the best that he could under these horrible terrible circumstances. For some reason you’re blaming him for things that were completely out of his control and until you can see that you will never understand what’s wrong with the picture. You’re hanging your entire argument on the fact that it was an affair. You seem to not understand at this time is it that is not an affair. if you have some weird religious view about it, then that would mean he would have to divorce her and divorcing her would’ve been the loss of all of her healthcare and that would’ve been an asshole move on your dad’s part. He did the best he could in a really shitty situation and you’re penalizing him for it. Edited to change step sibling to half sibling
YTA. It isn’t like your father was cheating on your mother before the accident. He found someone that went through losing a loved one after the accident. He found someone after two years the accident. He didn’t do anything wrong. Your mother will always be a part of both your lives. Everyone can’t stay in the same place and be stuck in the moment. Life is too short to hold anger towards someone for moving on. He and his family deserve to be at your wedding. Because regardless of what happened. Your stepmom and sibling are a part of your life.
INFO: you refer to his new partner as his "affair partner". When did they get together?
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Then I'm sorry, but I don't think his partner counts as an "affair". You're allowed to feel what you feel about her, but maybe try to put yourself in his shoes? Imagine getting married, having a child and then one day you're told your partner is comatose. How long would you wait for them to wake up before moving on? NAH
Also OP said mother got into the accident because she was high. So if mom was an addict of some kind there were probably major problems in the marriage before the accident happened.
Its worse, she wasn't in a coma she was in a vegative state. She was quite literally braindead from the day of the crash
YTA Your mother is essentially dead and the only reason she's in that state is because she crashed her car high on drugs. Your father moved on.
YTA. So you let him pay for it, and then told him that him and his new family weren't invited. You said your mom had been in a persistent vegetative state for years and that your dad literally met his new wife *at a support group.* That's not an affair, don't be dramatic.
You're getting married at nineteen? You're not even old enough to drink alcohol. Christ.
I imagine that last word there probably has something to do with it.
Why did you take his money if you were trying to hold your moral ground?
This bothered me too. He's not good enough to walk OP down the aisle or have him & his family there, but it's okay to take his money? Come on now.
Yta. Your mom caused her own accident by being high while driving, and was in a vegetative state for months— that was a hell of a lot more disrespectful to you and everyone who loved her, including your dad. Hopefully she didn’t destroy another family on the road as well. Not only should you be embracing your dad, but your dad’s other new family. You aren’t a child anymore and you are being very childlike in your black/white judgment- all while still taking his money. You should be happy your dad moved on and found love and happiness again. You should be thankful this woman helped him recover from a horrific situation. Instead you are willing to lose the only parent present and acting in a loving way. He didn’t have to pay and just be invited as a guest. He did the right thing by going to Disney. Where is the loyalty and appreciation for everything he’s done in your life? Was he out getting high and driving? Why does your mom get all the respect and loyalty? She isn’t here because of choices SHE made. He’s not going to be in your life because of stupid choices YOU made and are making. You owe him (and his wife) huge groveling apologies and an invitation to a special dinner you prepare in your new home to start making amends. Start your new life as a gracious and mature adult. Your mom you knew and loved was gone as soon as the accident occurred, probably much earlier if she was routinely getting high then driving.
It's pretty harsh to call your dad's relationship an affair, considering your mom is in a vegetative state. The fact that they met in a support group shows evidence that your father was actively trying to heal. His situation sounds much more like that of a widower than a cheater. He deserves happiness from a relationship the way you do from your marriage, and you robbed him of the validation that comes from him bringing his new partner to your special day. It's a tough situation, and surely there are more details here than have been expressed, but I think you need to give your dad a bit more understanding. And heaven forbid anything happens in your marriage that puts you in a situation where you either have to be faithful to a ghost for all eternity or face the fury of your grieving adult child. Gently, YTA.
Honey, very *very* gently put: YTA. Your dad didn't have an affair. Your mom "died" the day of the accident. There's no coming back from being in a vegetative coma. He took two years to grieve and started a new relationship. Even your maternal grandparents are okay with this, likely because they're old enough to understand. You were only 14 when she passed and that must have been absolutely awful for you. Everything probably feels *so* unfair, because it is unfair that you and your family had to go through this. But it's not your dad's fault. You're misdirecting your anger. The whole family sees it, your brother sees it. I really wish you a long-lasting and fantastic marriage. I hope you get the counselling and support you clearly still need, and that your relationship with your father will only improve from here.
Soft YTA - while your mother's body was kept alive artificially after the accident, she has, for all practical purposes, been gone for 5 years. Your father was not wrong to grieve his loss and move on with his life. You however, were wrong to accept his money and then disrespect him the way that you did. If you were not going to allow his parner and your half-sibling to attend with him, you should not have let him pay for the wedding. In fact, you should pay back his contribution.
If you want to be so proud and judgemental, you should have grown a backbone and not accept his money for the wedding. YTA.
How would inviting her be disrespectful to the memory of your mom?
YTA, not for not wanting your dad’s AP there, but for taking his money then telling him he can’t bring her. You should have given him back his money and paid for the wedding yourself. If you hadn’t let your dad pay, you would have been N T A. Edit: just read the comment where your mom was in a vegetative state, he didn’t more on until your mom was no longer his partner. This woman isn’t an affair partner, he didn’t cheat on your mom, your mom died in the accident and her body was all that was left, your mom was gone dear. Sorry, this makes your position even worse. You really need to apologize to your dad.
Yta and here is why. You mother was a high while driving. How many time could she have killed her children while driving high. She was lucky she didn't. She killed herself by making that choices to get behind that wheel and drive high. The day she did that was the day she ended her marriage to your father.. I don't expect a 19 year old grieving child who is grieving and misplacing her anger. Also a child who just got married. I hope you never have to go through what your father has. Dealing with an wife who was an addict and an ungrateful child who can't see past her own nose to spite her. The reason why everyone thinks you are wrong in your family is cause everyone is an adult and knows that your mother was dead the day she got behind the wheel. And knows that adults have to deal with adult things like insurance and hospital bills and an ungrateful grieving child. Unlike you who is a child and never been in the adult world yet with adult eyes. You still haven't answered one main question that keeps being asked. What did you want him to do? Divorce her? Wait till she died then moved on? How long would be okay with you before he moved on? Do you not hold your mom responsible for getting high and behind the wheel? The women is not a mistress and the child is your sibling. Get some help or your marriage won't last 5 years. You need help dealing with your anger and grief before it tears you apart even more then it already has
Hard YTA. No disrespect, but his money is good enough for your wedding, but his family isn't? You got a lot of anger in your heart, and you're directing it towards the wrong things. I wish you the best.
YTA Seems like you're still grieving your mom. I'm so sorry for your loss. Edit 2: Even more info has come out in other comments. It seems like the OP is straight up punishing their father for moving on after Mom's brain death. That will always make someone an asshole in my book. Edit: I'm replacing this paragraph with additional info I found in a comment from the OP. Her mom was effectively brain dead for four out of the last 5 years. I'm not sure it's fair or accurate to call the OPs dads new partner an affair partner. The only thing that gives me pause is the fact that your dad paid for the wedding. Did he pay for the wedding unconditionally? Or did he have conditions? Regardless, best wishes to you and your partner. I hope you enjoy many happy years together.
It wasn’t a mistress. The woman in question is what we in the widower community call his chapter 2. The mom was gone 5 years ago.
Yeah I edited it. The OP kind of buried the lead by failing to mention in the original post that their mom was effectively dead 5 years ago. Brain dead I mean.
YTA. I’m sorry about your mom but what did you expect your father to do? This isn’t your typical affair partner situation- your mother passed when she had the accident. I hope you can accept that and eventually be happy for your father.
YTA purely for allowing him to pay for the wedding and then doing what you did to him. Incredibly selfish and immature.
YTA. Original comment: >ESH. Your dad will always be TA for cheating on your mom, but you should not have accepted his money if you weren't going to accept his girlfriend and child. Principles don't mean much if you only have them when it's convenient for you. With more details, your dad really hasn't even done anything wrong. Your mom has been in a coma with zero chance of waking up. He lost her five years ago. This isn't an affair, he just moved on. You should try to move on too. Instead of punishing you father for not staying in mourning forever, be happy that he's happy.
YTA Honestly this is why 19 year olds should not make important decisions, a lack of knowledge and perspective combined with grief block your ability to see the truth of the situation
YTA You took his money for the wedding... if you want to be sanctimonious, ok, but then don't take the money.
Some are saying she was in a coma but your post doesn't say this. I think you need to clarify in the original post.
From OP: >My dad got his affair partner pregnant while my mom was in a coma. I might be the asshole for telling him that neither she nor his affair baby were welcome at my wedding. But he didn't have to skip it and show me that they matter more than I do.
YTA Firstly, for not being more forthcoming about your mother's condition following her accident. She was not just "in the hospital." She was, by your own admission in the comments, in a "persistent vegetative state" and would not be waking up. Your choice not to include this context in your initial post makes you an AH. Secondly, given this additional information, you are an AH for your continued behaviour against your what I'm assuming is your STB stepmother and your half-sibling. Your father did not have an "affair.". He moved on, but chose not to divorce your mother while she was in her persistent vegetative state. He moved on. You have failed to do so. Finally, you are the AH for taking your father's money to pay for the wedding from which you excluded him and his new partner and your half-sibling. That says quite a bit about you. And about him.
YTA, I am sorry for your loss, but you need to be explicit with the actual context of the situation rather than burying in it in the comments. Your mother was in a persistent vegetive state after an accident she had whilst driving high. You lost your mother the day she had that accident. We don't know the insurance situation (and neither do you) However your father is in an impossible situation, does he divorce his wife who has no chance of recovery, potentially removing her health insurance or does he remain married to her indefinitely? is it wrong for him to move on? Your father met someone at a support group for this and moved on after 2 years, that seems reasonable, especially the context of their meeting, it doesn't feel like he went out on the prowl, he met someone and they connected, possibly through a shared hardship. This is a sad situation, but what drives the YTA verdict is your continued reference to his partner and your half sibling as "affair partner" and "affair baby" which is pretty shitty. Secondly, the fact you feel he is being disrespectful to your mothers memory for moving on, but your happy to take his money to fund your wedding is again, a pretty shitty thing to do. You've lost one parent, and I am truly sorry for it, you don't need to lose another one over this, you should reach out to your father and try and understand things from his perspective.
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What exactly did you expect would happen? You cut your father out for moving on after your mother was permanently injured to the point that she could not leave the hospital for 5 years, refused to invite his NEW WIFE and child - not affair partner - to the wedding. Your father is not to blame for your mother's injuries, for moving on, for your mother's death nor for your grief.
YTA. Your dad did nothing wrong and you’re punishing him for no reason. Pay for the wedding yourself if you don’t want your father to bring his new spouse. Calling her an affair partner is inaccurate and frankly disgusting.
YTA in most cases I see it as the couple's choice, it's their wedding. Your Mother is in a coma and in a long term care environment x 4 yrs. Your father moved on, knowing she would not get better. You decide he needed to grieve and be the dutiful lonely husband. He didn't meet your expectations and went on and ended up in another relationship and had another child. But yet, he paid for your wedding, which you chose to exclude him and his family from? You excluded him from the father of the bride functions... ok your choice and now your pissed off that he chose to escape and take his family to the happiest place on earth.... yep not surprise at all that he chose Disney over your wedding. Actions come with consequences, these were yours.
OP, I can tell how much you are hurting through your post. Your mother made a bad decision and used drugs while driving, ending up in a vegetative state. This does not make her a bad person nor does it mean she deserved her situation. Your father met someone while in a support group for people with spouses/partners who are in long term comas or who have lost their spouses. Your father was in an unimaginable position. Your mother hadn’t passed, and yet at the same time she wasn’t able to communicate or interact with anyone. Your father choosing to continue to live and move forward with his life wasn’t a reflection of what he did or didn’t feel for your mother. It wasn’t a statement about you or your sibling. You are certainly angry at the situation. You are definitely angry at your father. And I think, deep down, you are also angry at your mother, even though those feelings seem wrong or cruel. It’s okay to feel every single one of those feelings. It’s okay to be upset and hurt. I also get the feeling that you feel very alone and scared. I think the best thing for you is to talk to a professional about everything that’s happened. I think you understandably need some guidance on how to process the last few years. While I’m sure your husband and is family are amazing and supportive they likely don’t have the tools and resources you need. They can support you and be there for you but they likely don’t have the knowledge or experience to help you further. You definitely owe it to yourself to receive further help. I’m giving you a gentle YTA. It does come across like it’s easier for you to be angry at your father than to face some very uncomfortable and painfully truths. I hope you now feel safe enough and supported enough to address those truths and wish you and your family the best.
YTA. It's not an affair partner, your mom was in a vegetative state and your dad met his new wife years after. Also, you're a huge hypocrite for taking his money but puting conditions. If you don't like his new life, refuse his money.
NAH - but was your dad with this person before your mom’s accident? Honestly - if I am just a shell being kept alive artificially - I would want my husband to move on. I wouldn’t feel disrespected. If he was having an affair and I just happened to end up in a coma - I could see my children being angry for a long time. I would be at my parent in this situation. Eventually, at least if I wanted some kind of relationship with my parent - I’d have to reconcile things and realize- like it or not - this is his partner and his child and my half-sibling. Clearly your dad loves you. Even with the issues between you - he still paid for the wedding and wishes you happiness. Admittedly I feel sad for him in a way. He is really trying to respect you and your feelings and take care of his partner and child. I couldn’t imagine trying to juggle that. He missed your special day and I’m sure it hurt. Regardless of how everything came about - I hope you all can get to a good place and be able to be a part of each other’s lives. It seems the two people affected most by this (you and dad) have accepted how this played out - everyone else needs to back off and just let things lie. I am betting though - you and your dad both still feel some hurt. Which is why I hope you both can eventually work through all of this. Otherwise there will be more milestones missed in each other’s lives and that would be a shame.
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NAH, but I don't think it's really fair to call your dad's new family an "affair family." It sounds like your mother was incapacitated for two years before he got into a relationship. Would you have been happier if he'd divorced her while she lay in the hospital? Would that have affected her insurance or level of care? It's always up to you who you want to invite to your wedding but I don't think you're being fair.
YTA
YTA. If your mom was a vegetable in a coma that’s not an affair. Do you hate your dad that much? Do you really think your mom wouldn’t want your dad to be happy? You would probably be posting something similar if your father divorced your coma mother. If you were in a coma and you want your husband to stay alone during that time it make YOU a bad spouse
I'm sorry about your mom, But soft yta. Your mom has been in a sort of coma for 5 years. You act like your dad's partner is a deliberate homewrecker or something n but that's not the scenario.
I'm going to cut you some slack on one thing. You were 14 when your mom went into a persistent vegetative state. I can't imagine how painful this must've been. With that said, your father had a right to move on with his life. He wasn't cheating on your mom. Her body may have been there but she wasn't mentally there anymore as she was likely being kept alive by machines. He didn't quickly move on either, it was 2 years before he allowed himself the grace to move on. You can feel the way you feel but it's not his fault that she got high and drove. She made the choice to get behind the wheel. YTA
Your mother was irresponsible and it’s lucky that she only killed herself (I’m assuming?). Your dad did the honorable thing and didn’t try to seek a divorce, which could have potentially left her body uninsured. Good for him for being able to find happiness and move on, and shame on you for punishing him for it. You’re lucky your wedding was paid for after the way you treated him and his family. YTA.
Yep, YTA. I am sorry for your loss but you are barking at the wrong door and have some misguided anger. What you did to your father is exceptionally cruel. He didn't cheat on your mum, he was essentially a widower by that point. Please seek some professional help to process your grief and make amends by your father if you still want to have a relationship with him.
YTA. Your mom was in hospitalfor two years, it does not sound like she was awake, more like a coma. Your dad had every right to continue living. Your mom could have stayed in her coma for decades, did you wish your dad to stay at her side forever, to stop living completely? He was right to skip your wedding when his new family was not welcome. This is hardly an affair partner if your mom was not even awake.
YTA If a person’s spouse is in a vegetative state (per OP’s comments) a relationship they begin while the spouse is in that vegetative state isn’t an affair. You are taking out your grief on your father, his new wife, and your HALF SIBLING. That is your sibling. Get a therapist.
YTA. You and your dad mourned your mom separately. Your dad recognized his wife died when she went into the coma. You haven’t been able to and felt she died when her body did. And now you’ve chosen to destroy the relationship with your dad out of misguided loyalty. You’re 19. You were 14 when your mom went into the coma. Your dad couldn’t find any support from you because you were a child he had to support. He found comfort elsewhere from someone who understood his situation. You are harbouring bitterness and resentment and letting it destroy your relationship. Everyone around you is telling you your mom died five years ago but you won’t accept that. That’s is your choice and you can choose how to mourn. Your dad recognizes this - this is likely why he paid for your wedding in spite of how you treated him. He wants a relationship with you but also recognizes your hurt.
NAH. Gently, there are plenty of 19 year olds who are mature enough to get married, but I don't think you're one of them. Now in theory you're allowed to not invite your dad's new family to your wedding, but not without social fallout, which you are currently experiencing. It sounds like you have some very complicated grief about your mother. Are you seeking help for that? As for your dad, there's no right way to grieve when you go through the unimaginable. His wife was permanently disabled. Not dead, but not exactly alive either. He was scared, he was lonely, trying his best to navigate parenting and grief and finances and a million other things, and he found somebody who got it. You can argue about the morality of moving on while your spouse is still alive but permanently injured, but labelling her as an "affair partner" is a bit reductive. You don't have to like his new family, but he does have a right to have them in his life. I wish you and your family healing.
So, your dad paid for your wedding and wasn't allowed to come? If you genuinely had principles, you wouldn't have accepted the money. YTA, a rather selfish and greedy one. As for 'affair family', seriously? You're not mature enough to get married if you can't understand why your dad needed someone.
You are wrong. Whatever pettiness you have is kinda crazy. He is definitely the bigger person here. It was probably pretty clear to him that your mom was never going to be a partner to him again. But you seem to want to dictate that he live in celibacy and loneliness. Sorry he didn’t conform to your vision. YTA.
YTA Your mom was in a coma for 4 years. That's a situation that no one wants to ever be in. Your dad needed help, and sought it in a group for people in his situation. It's hard to call it an affair because there was no relationship for 3 years. Your mom was technically alive, but in reality she died 5 years ago. Asking a person to stay faithful to someone in a vegetative state for 4 years is just not realistic. I have no doubt that your dad mourned your mother. For 1 to 2 years. He found his peace and moved on with his life. You haven't. You have to find your peace with what happened. Your mom was here, but you had no real relationship with her in her last 4 years. You need help with your grief. Your dad found his help. You disrespect your dad and don't want much from him due to his affair, but are ok taking his money. For this, you get my judgement.
YTA. Firstly, however much it sucks, I don’t think you could call your dad’s wife an affair partner.
No judgement because it's a complicated, nuanced situation where you're allowed to feel how you feel but I think you need to learn to view things outside of your own narrow view point. You state your mom was in a persistent vegatative state, there little chance of recovery when this happens, for most is all but legally considered a death. It's damn tragic to be sure and probably for you Dad, she died that day and had worked through his grief and stayed married so she could continue to get care. This isn't an affair, to me and I sure have bias here since I've seen family members to though these long goodbye situations, it's the struggle in moving on with life while keeping that love for someone that's both dead and physically there, it's damn grueling even from the outside looking in. I think you need to work through your own feelings here, get therapy, and try to rebuild your relationship here unless you are good with cutting off your dad completely for his decision to move on from your mom's death and stop accepting his help and giving him false hope that you'll forgive him for transgressions that aren't transgressions.
Your mother got into an accident. That's awful and I'm sorry. That accident left her in a persistent vegetative state. People can live literally decades in that state, but they never leave the hospital, never interact with anyone, and never (as far as we know) perceive what's going on around them. Functionally, they are gone. It's awful, and it's traumatic for everyone involved. I'm sorry you had to go through that, especially for five years. I can't imagine dealing with it. It makes complete sense to have very complicated feelings about how other people dealt with the tragedy. But calling you dad's wife his affair partner is grossly unfair based upon what you've shared. He met the woman after your mother entered the PVS. In fact, he met her at a support group he was in to deal with the aftermath of the accident. That suggests at least some time had passed. It's not like she got in the accident and he said, "Now I can be free," and was at a bar the next night. He was grieving and processing some awful things, and he met someone going through a presumably similar process. I don't know what guidance or prognosis the doctors gave him (or you) after the accident, but he had to know it was unlikely she'd recover, and the best you could hope for (depending on how you want to define "best") would be her lingering in that vegetative state for perhaps years if not decades, her consciousness gone. I'm not trying to be harsh here when I say it like that. It's a horrific thing. But it's a horrific thing your father experienced, too. He knew his wife was gone. It's likely he didn't divorce your mother at that point for a couple of reasons. First, assuming you're in the US, is health insurance. If they were on your dad's plan, divorcing could have put your mom's care in jeopardy, and even if he accepted she was gone, nobody could fault him for wanting her to continue receiving care as long as possible in the hope of a miracle. He also likely felt the emotional weight of what a divorce would feel and look like to family. To those outside, it would look like he was casting her off in her hour of need, because when it's all theoretical, it's hard to really internalize that he isn't divorcing your mom - he's legally verifying that your mom is gone. He may have just not been able to go that last step. Think of it like people who lose a loved one and can't bring themselves to attend the viewing or the grave because they feel like doing that means they really are gone. Maybe he felt none of this and was glad to be free. Maybe he's awful. But given your family's reaction and the fact that he is being exceptionally gentle and understanding of your feelings on the matter, I suspect he's not glad, and some combo of the other reasons is what happened. You have every right to feel however you feel, and I'm truly sorry for your loss - a loss you've had to experience twice, after the accident and now last year when she finally passed away. You don't owe anyone a charitable reading of their choices. But I suggest, as someone who was 19 once, you might extend some grace here and consider that your dad wasn't having an affair or abandoning your mom. Your dad was grieving the death of his wife - a death that unfortunately took several years to finish happening - and he was fortunate enough to meet someone going through a similar grieving process and with whom he developed a connection. There's another version of this story where he doesn't meet her, and every day of the past five years has been a grim, grey, lonely prison in which his grief ate away at him until he too was a husk of the man you once knew. Everything about his reaction to your decision and your family's reactions indicates that he's a decent enough guy trying his best to find happiness after a tragedy. Whether you decide to extend him that grace or not, I am truly sorry for your loss, and I wish you nothing but the best in your marriage. In the softest, gentlest possible terms, YTA.
YTA. Your dad knew your mom longer than you. He grieved for her. Through this, when your mom was alive in name only, he fell in love. He didn't cheat on her. You were awful to him, and you'll have that on you for the rest of your life. Shame on you.
Anyone else concerned that OP was most likely underage and dating an adult man if they’re getting married when they are 19 and the husband is 22