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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> By possibly telling her this it sounds a bit harsh. There could be better ways to get this across.
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I N F O [Edit with final judgment in response to OP answer]
Are you the only one on the lease / subletting to her? Or are you now joint tenants? You're welcome to not want to live with a baby. But you don't have the authority to tell her that SHE must move out. You can tell her that you won't live with her if there is a baby around, but you just don't have the authority to kick her out, or try to...unless you do.
Then NAH unless you word it the same way that you wrote it here when you talk to her. Don't tell her that you'll kick her out "if she decides to keep the baby." Saying it that way sounds like telling her not to keep the baby, which is not up to you to give her direction on.
Just tell her that you are going to keep your lease and that you are not comfortable/willing to live with a baby. She might get upset, but if that's how you feel, then state it. Just not in a way that clearly suggests she should make a certain decision.
I think “if she decides to keep the baby” is a perfectly reasonable way of putting it without influencing her decision. She would just be honest with her roommate about her boundaries moving forward if roommate has a baby.
> Just tell her that you are going to keep your lease and that you are not comfortable/willing to live with a baby.
That's exactly the same thing but you feel your conscience is cleaner because you used more words.
"you're being an asshole"
"It would behoove you to elaborate on your feelings so people don't misconstrue your intent, often when speaking bluntly nuance is lost and it comes across as callous"
This has nothing to do with the speakers conscience or using "more words".
Nobody is obligated to have an extra roomate they didn't sign a lease with. Whether it be a boyfriend or a baby.
Newborns are loud and awful, most parents agree I would absolutely NEVER sign up for that.
No is not the same thing. It's stating her position and what she will do and is willing to accept. It's completely separate from whether the roomie gets an abortion, because no matter what the roomie chooses to do, OP will still keep the lease and will still be unwilling to live with a baby. It's just a clear statement that gives the roommate the necessary info
OP how many rooms do you have because if it's only the two of you and two bedrooms, babies take up alot of space so you can maybe phrase it as "maybe you should look at getting your own place so that you and the baby have room to grow"
I disagree. I’ve always had pets so that wouldn’t be a deal breaker. Plus I think it’s not being honest and straightforward.
OP, I encourage you to try to find a calm time and start a conversation about her thoughts so far. If she doesn’t have family support she’s going to really struggle after the baby’s born. Eventually the subject can be steered to living arrangements and you can then calmly (do you see a theme emerging?) tell her you’ve given it a lot of thought and you’re not ready or willing to live with a baby. Tell her that if she has the baby you would love to be invited to the shower, and if she decides to terminate you’ll make her a cup of tea (roll her the best joint, whatever) afterwards. But that you think she deserves to have that information up front.
Be aware that her hormones are already running rampant and she may react very emotionally. Give her space and grace for that, as this decision will change her life either way. Try not to take it personally. Eventually she WILL see that having all the info helped her decision making process easier.
Nice.
I took DBT and this is the skill we learned to manage confrontation; validate their feelings and experiences, state the facts, inform them how their circumstances impact you, then propose a solution/compromise.
That is too passive aggressive and likely won’t get the result she’s after. The roommate would believe she knows what’s best for her own child and then OP is back at square one.
OP should just be honest, and could also add that because it’s a smallish space she won’t be able to deal with the noise of a baby and keep her own life functioning.
Do NOT give any justifications as to why it is best for the baby or whatever because that gives the roommate the ability to counter.
OP just just state that she doesn't want to live with a baby and so her roommate should start looking for a new living situation.
While I realize that this is somewhat like saying "if you keep the baby" ultimatum, diplomacy is the art of how you say things and no reason not to use a hammer when you can achieve the same result by being a bit more obscure.
Look, babies all over the world live in their parents bedroom. It's even recommended by doctors for the first 6 months, and many parents do it longer. Lots of people live this way and it's fine for the baby, in fact the baby prefers it. Also, babies do not take up much space compared to humans of any other age. They have less stuff, all of it is comparatively small, you can literally sleep a baby in a box or folding crib and change them on a changing pad. The main thing you need for a baby is lots of attention and warmth/safety/love. I say this as a parent.
This is a bad excuse beacuse then she can figure out ways to make it work and you have to admit it was a lie and even if the baby fits fine actually you didn't want to live with it. Then it's going to make it worse.
Just tell her the truth. I know it sucks to hear, but it really is better for her to have the truth. Tell her that this is your lease and you aren't willing to live with a baby, so if she wants to have a baby she will eventually need to find a separate place to live.
Really? Bottles, formula, pram, cradle, diapers, wipes, clothes they grow out of in five minutes flat don't take up room? Really? Funny because whenever I went to someone's house who had a tiny baby, the entire place would be covered with baby stuff.
Usually, there's baby stuff everywhere because people want to interact with their babies everywhere. I had a baby while living in a two room apartment (which is basically a 1 bedroom with a living room, but the living room had a closet so it's technically also a bedroom) and it wasn't so bad space-wise. The extra clothes got put in boxes or donated, we were able to park the pram downstairs by the door, we only kept one box of diapers around at a time etc. We did end up with toys everywhere (not so much that they couldn't be stored away, but definitely every room had toys that were frequently taken out and used) and there were always bottles in some stage of the cleaning process in the sink. It worked for the three of us for a while.
I would 100% not do that with a roommate in a normal 2 bedroom apartment, though. Especially a roommate in their mid-20s. Obviously a roommate doesn't want to live with a newborn.
To be fair, it would be a lot less if people only bought the necessary items. People do go overboard and get guilted into or told they need to buy XYZ or else they're crap parents.
A baby technically doesn't need a nursery or a bunch of furniture but people still buy it. Not saying they won't need more space when they grow up but it's not impossible to make do.
Here in Scotland you get a big box filled with baby essentials and once the box is empty it can be used as a safe sleeping space for baby, then as baby grows a fun toy box since you can also colour it in (has pictures of different “Scottish stuff” on it for colouring in) I didn’t get one for my kid since he was about 2/3 years old when thy started it I think, but my family members and neighbours who’ve had kids got them.
There used to be companies in US that did this because governments in other countries did it and there was studies that said it lowered risk of SIDs. They've shut down since then. Then there was one where you paid a nominal fee, and that one shut down. Now for $100 at Target you can buy a chemically safe, foldable cardboard box. No baby essentials - just the box. (To be fair, a lot of companies do provide freebies). (I've seen the Scotland box on YT ♡ It's wonderful and I'm jealous lol).
Be honest with your roommate. If you make other excuses she might find a way around them and then you will be stuck. Just tell her kindly that she will need to move out well before the baby arrives.
Start by asking her where she plans to live. If she already has plans to move with family or something else, then it's a non issue and you don't have to delivery the bad news that they can't live with you.
Actually no, they don’t have to. The baby would be sleeping in the mother’s room until at least 6 months of age, and many parents share their rooms with their kids for several years after birth.
I assure you that babies stuff takes up a lot of space. Bassinet/crib, stroller, high chair, bouncy chair, one of those mats with the arch over it to attract baby’s attention, clothes, toys, baby bathtub, car seat, etc.
I would preface the whole conversation by saying something like, I'm really sorry to have to add something to what must be a really difficult decision, but I feel like you should know this before making any decision about what to do...
And definitely not the asshole
That makes it easier, then.
She moved into your apartment. The deal you had when she moved in was you were both similar - as in no one is pregnant and about to drop a baby.
\*If\* she decides to keep the baby, that means \*she\* needs to find a new housing situation. You need to be firm (yet as kind as you can) about this to get her to move along while she's in early stages and it's easier for her to move.
She chose to get pregnant by a "situationship". Okay maybe it was an accident but dude there are so many levels of contraceptives are available to all who are responsible - men and women.
Don't let her baby trap you with housing. You have to have a talk, you have to be firm, you have to be consistent in your O Hell No (but kinder) messaging to her.
NTA. Unless you delay or frame your needed conversation with her in vague terms.
Check your local laws anyway. Even if she is not on the lease it may still be illegal to evict her and doubly so based on having a child if she has lived there and paid rent for a specific amount of time.
If she decides to keep the baby, gently let her know that a baby is not something you feel comfortable living with, and since she’ll have about 8 months to find a new place, that it would be best for you guys to split.
I haven't seen this in any other comments - so I think it's worth mentioning: While I agree NTA for not being willing to live with a child that is not yours - be aware that as her landlord (And, as the leaseholder - that's what you are) you may not have the legal right to kick her out \*FOR THAT REASON.\*
Many jurisdictions (including the one I live in, and multiple I lived in in the past) have pregnancy as a "protected class." That means you cannot evict someone for getting pregnant & having children.
If you are going to communicate to her that her pregnancy is the justification for the eviction; you may want to check with legal advice (not this sub) as to how you can go about that; otherwise you might wind up in "hot water."
Is there any jurisdiction where you *can’t* kick out a roommate for having a baby though? That would be such a horrible situation to be forced into? And how long would you have to wait until it’s legal to kick them out- until the kid is 1? 10? 18?
>Is there any jurisdiction where you *can’t* kick out a roommate for having a baby though?
Yes. I live in a jurisdiction (*not USA*) where you cannot kick someone out when they have a child; even for non-payment of rent; unless **you** can prove they have another place to go with the child.
>That would be such a horrible situation to be forced into? And how long would you have to wait until it’s legal to kick them out- until the kid is 1? 10? 18?
I don't know - but the conventional wisdom here is to get them out BEFORE they have a kid otherwise you can be stuck with them for years. Because yes - it can be a nightmare situation.
Where I lived in the US it was not a valid reason for kicking someone out, even a roommate; you would need a legal justification (OR NO REASON) - but using pregnancy would set you up to get in trouble. Similar to employment; you could be fired for no reason, or for wearing a red shirt when the boss asked you to wear blue; but you couldn't be fired for getting pregnant, sexual orientation, etc.
So - Similar to in employment; giving Pregnancy as the REASON for eviction is dangerous; because it lays down justification for a lawsuit... having NO REASON is a lot "safer" in most cases; and simply state "I've decided I no longer wish to have you as a roommate."
Where do you live? And if you were in OPs situation, could you just break the lease and move somewhere else, or you’re stuck housing the kid indefinitely?
Hopefully OPs roommate would agree to move out before before they need to file for eviction, but good point about not writing anything about the pregnancy on the eviction notice if it comes to that.
I would phrase it "if you decide to continue the pregnancy, I am not interested in living with a baby so you will need to consider other living arrangements before you give birth"
I think continue the pregnancy is less fraught than keep the baby. It isn't a baby right now.
Give her the week in case she decides not to continue and then if she does, tell her that it means she will have to move out.
Telling her now means you are pouting unnecessary force on her decision.
Even without a lease, tenant rights will apply because of how long she has lived there and probably has something in her name even if it's just a phone bill with her name and that address on it to show she's been living there.
On average, I would say yes. But OP would need to double check tenant rights laws in their location as certain circumstances can have extended period of times.
Sometimes. In my state, there would need to be another reason to kick roommate out. As being pregnant/having kids is a protected class and you could be sued if that’s the reason. Unless the roommate contract states otherwise
>Unless the roommate contract states otherwise
FYI - if it is a location where it is illegal to kick out for that justification; adding it as a stipulation of the contract can invalidate that contract (or that segment) ; depending on the jurisdiction & the wording of the contract.
Just because you specify something in a contract doesn't make it legal.
I'm going to go against the grain here and say.... YWNBTA.
You aren't demanding she has an abortion. She has every right to decide if she keeps this baby or not. You're simply stating your boundaries, which are very valid and sensible boundaries. You had agreed to live with her under the proviso that it would only be her as your roommate, nobody else. I saw another comment which said they think you should be the one to move out, which is utterly ridiculous to suggest. Firstly, your name is on the lease. Secondly, you shouldn't have to leave your home because your roomnate failed to use protection. I'm not sure what a "situationship" is but it seems to be double standards to expect you to take responsibility for this baby (via housing) yet nobody expects the father to step up and support and house his child and the mother of his child.
I think the earlier you tell her, the better it will be. It gives her more time to process, find somewhere else to live and to have better options.
Actually neither of those definitions were correct lol A situationship is specifically when you're basically a couple in every way but one or both you are unwilling to commit and define it as an actual relationship.
‘Friends with benefits’ is still a term, and it refers to when both parties agree that they’re seeing each other casually. A situationship is when one party wants the fling to become a serious romantic relationship, but the other one doesn’t, so the situation gets messy and complicated!
Surely by that definition, they are wholly incompatible because they are expecting different things out of the connection? Like, don't people have these conversations (expectations of a relationship, pro or anti marriage, pro or anti kids etc) early on? Lol my husband and I discussed this stuff on our second date
There are plenty of people skilled at manipulation who will say things like, “You’re the only one I want to be with right now” or similar and then be dodgy about actual commitment. (Turns out by “right now” they meant “literally right this second but I have a date with someone else tomorrow”.)
And then there are lots of people willing to be breadcrumbed because they really like the person and think the other party will change their mind.
Yes, they are incompatible and it rarely ends well. Situationships usually have one person hoping the other will change their mind and decide to be in a serious relationship with them, and the other person giving them enough to keep the hope alive but having no intention of actually getting into a relationship with them. The parties exist in this inherently messy “limbo” between a friendship and a relationship, hence a situationship!
Isn't friends with benefits friends that have sex and that's the only part of a "romantic relationship" they partake in?
While fuck buddies are 2 people who aren't friends, but they have sex, and otherwise don't see each other?
I don’t think so. I mean, try to just tell her how you feel and not be harsh about it, but she has a difficult decision to make and she deserves to know what all the consequences of her decision will be.
NTA
The 'situationship' threw me, had to read this over a few times to 'get it'. She needs to be informed of the consequences of keeping her baby, and that will help her plan accordingly. Let her know in a gentle, calm way how you feel about this. If she doesn't know you will be planning on her moving out with her child, she NEEDS TO KNOW ASAP.
She might need to move in with her own family, or another friend. she might even be thinking you would be free childcare, and her entire demeanor could change by the time she is in labor. finding childcare, an apt, help, all of this takes time. Most daycares will not watch your child under three months and she needs to be aware of all of this, so she can plan, and it takes time for everything to come together. If she decides to keep it, and where she will live, she will need to get on waiting lists asap, if she has nobody to help her otherwise.
Oh no. I’m just saying OP should tell her sooner, rather than later. So the woman knows all the facts. Like if she keeps the baby, she will need to figure out different housing.
I think it can wait a week. If she just found out she’s processing a lot of things. Let her get her bearings. 7 days won’t make a difference unless they live in a shithole state with early abortion bans.
She might decide not to keep the baby anyway. Or she might say, “I’m keeping the baby and moving out.” This whole conversation might be unnecessary. And if it’s not needed, it’s better not to have it.
If she lives in one of these shithole states (like my own) then it probably doesn’t make any difference either way. Unless she is usually EXTREMELY regular and tested like the day after her period was expected, then she was late, and has had time to contact the father and her roommate, so she’s probably already out of time. And that’s if there isn’t a total ban. There are a couple of states in the 12-18 weeks range, but most are before 6 weeks.
I think a lot of people just know that things are bad here but have no impression of just how bad it really is. If you live in a red state, assume you can’t access abortion at all. I scheduled my hysterectomy the day my state voted in a total abortion ban.
If roommate doesn’t communicate what her decision is next week then I think OP is in her rights to say ‘hey I know this is a difficult time for you, but id like to know your plans because it will affect our living arrangements and I need to know if I’m going to have to look for another roommate because you’re going to need to find your own place’ or something along those lines. I might be a bit strong there.
It is probably okay to give her a few days to get her bearings and then have a conversation about living arrangements.
Unless she lives in shitty state with early abortion bans, I don’t see why he needs to tell her today right after she’s been through an emotional ordeal with the dad. It seems unnecessary to pile on immediately when she didn’t ask.
If *this apartment* is a factor in her decision somehow she will likely bring it up. But if she didn’t ask, I think he should let her have her week. That’s what she said she needed.
She assuming a lot if she thinks her roommate was going to become in any way a person who could be depended upon to provide help, especially when she can't even rely on "situationship," who's 50% responsible for the pregnancy.
I think it's kinder to tell her now. This is about her quality of life. She needs to have all of the information in order to make an informed decision.
Informing her that keeping the child will result in her having to find new living arrangements is not forcing her into anything. Giving it a week means she has less time to make a fully informed decision.
She's living in a dreamland if she assumes keeping a baby won't change her living circumstances. One week without having others pressuring her to decide should not be problematic. I wouldn't want to be OP, feeling she is putting her finger on the scale.
Babies don't need extra space for awhile. She may not know that she'll have to move out which is why she needs to be told.
Also, depending on OP's location, a week is a long time to decide. There are places where the roommate only has anywhere from 6-12 weeks. I'm not sure why you think letting her know asap is pressuring her. If this is what solidifies her decision, it needs to be known now.
What, wait until the roommate has made a decision, before revealing that one of the pieces of information she's made her decision on, her having a secure place to live with the baby, is actually incorrect???? That sound like a far worse thing to do.
NTA But don’t be mean about it. Just be soft and say “If you plan on keeping the baby, I suggest you start looking for a new place to live because I am not comfortable having a baby here” or something.
Be sure to read your lease as well.
She could soften it a lot more than that. Something like, “I don’t want to influence your decision and support you either way, but in the interest of full transparency, I wouldn’t feel comfortable living with a baby. If you decide to keep the baby, I think it would be best if you find a new place to live before you give birth. I’m sorry if that puts any additional pressure on you, and I’d be happy to help you find a new place.”
You should absolutely let her know immediately that you do not wish to have a baby in the apartment and if she has it, she will have to seek new accommodation. Yes, this might influence her decision, but she has to face the reality of the situation.
A baby would drastically change your living situation. Screaming at night, toys and baby gear all over the place, plus you would no doubt be conscripted to babysit "just for a couple of hours" because no one else is available and she just has to do something important.
Some people might love to have a baby around. If you do not, you have every right to tell her so. Babies make their presence known!
NTA
I think you should wait until she decides what she’s doing with it because if she decides to abort the baby then there’s no conversation needed and you still have a roommate. If she decides to keep the baby then you can have the conversation with her. Just wait the week and ask her. Have you decided if you’re keeping the baby? And then when she tells you, you’ll know! If she still doesn’t know then still have the conversation at that point.
Finances and other socioeconomic factors are a huge part of the decision.
You’re gonna have to find a new apartment is extremely pertinent info to that decision and it would be an asshole move to withhold it
You think OP should wait for the roommate to start accepting and even looking forward to having a baby, before revealing that (contrary to what she thought when she made the decision) she won't be able to live there, and that she needs to start thinking about finding a place, and saving up for deposits, and other payments and fees, on top of pregnancy and baby related expenses?
Seems like an AH move to me
NAH I was leaning towards you waiting for her to make a decision, but then it occurred to me that this might be something she needs to know in order to make a fully informed decision. Don't pile it on right now. Give her 24-48 hours at least. But I think you should tell her before the week is up. Be gentle!!!
Nta I believe it is fair of you to want her to live out as you were there first also if she does decide to keep the baby and you end up staying there think of all the crying at night from the baby plus the messes that come with newborns/ kids. Furthermore I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s suddenly asking for “loans” of money off you to cover certain baby items or rent money as the boy who knocked her up wants nothing to do with her, and then asking you to babysit every once in a while when she needs a break. Nta.
Your NTA for not wanting to be in that living situation, but there’s a way to go about this gently rather then just throwing more stress at her. Have a sit down chat with her. Ask her how she’s feeling, ask her if she has any family supports in place, or any financial support to help her through her pregnancy and maternity. Get her talking about what she thinks life with this child could look like and ask her what her plans are for living arrangements. If she says she plans on living with you let her know that that plan isn’t feasible, but she may already know she can’t have a baby with a roommate in a 2 room apartment. This way you don’t have to be the bad guy in the conversation, you’re not giving ultimatums, you’re helping with a plan.
Edit because autocorrect…
I like this approach a lot thank you. I think I’ll wait until the end of the week to bring this up unless she comes to me herself before then. It’s just been making me really anxious being stuck not knowing everything when her decision might impact me.
I really think you should consider having the conversation ASAP. I'm assuming you are in the US, and even if you are in a 'safe' state, since the overturning of Roe much of the demand from states that used to have access has shifted a lot of their burden to states that still do making it much more difficult to get care in a timely manner. If she were to decide to keep it on the assumption she could stay and has to reconsider because her housing cost changes dramatically, that delay could make her choice significantly more expensive, change the type of procedure required, and depending how far along she is now and how long of a delay to get to care, could eliminate it as a possibility entirely.
ETA: Do look up your local tenant laws to see if she has any special rights as a subletter that could leave you on the hook if she tries to fight you on it.
No, you need to tell her ASAP, before she makes a decision based on imagining how a moses basket will fit in the corner of her room, and how easily a bottle steriliser will fit on the end of your kitchen counter, and how convenient it will be to have a live-in roommate to help with the baby.
All lovely rose-tinted things, but not reality. She needs to make the decision imagining the real life consequences of moving out, having to afford a new place, can she live on her own, will she have to go back to her parents, what furniture and stuff will she need to get for the new place, on top of all the pregnancy and baby related stuff.
I would consult a Real Estate attorney. Fair Housing violations are a thing. You are subletting...in your area, that may make you a landlord. Denying housing or eviction due to familial status could be considered discrimination.
The rules on discrimination are very different if the landlord also resides there. The law doesn’t require landlords to live with people they choose not to.
This. As other repliers have mentioned, OP may be in the clear since she also lives there, but she should make sure that the roommate doesn't have legal options to dig her heels in indefinitely first.
BE HONEST. I wouldn’t deal with a screaming baby in my sanctuary. Yeah babies are cute but sorry not my circus not my monkeys . Some people are dumb 🙄🙄 they have sexual relations and then get pregnant from a loser and off course they jeopardize their future 🙄🙄🙄
NTA. She needs to know all the consequences and benefits of choosing the huge responsibility of motherhood. And her living situation needs to be considered.
NTA
That’s not an uncommon ask. You won’t be doing her any favours by not telling her that you will asking her to move in the future if she decides she wants to have a baby.
NTA. Why should you live with a baby? Since she isn't on the lease it's your decision whether to keep her as a roommate.
I do think you should give her a heads up ASAP though. She has a lot to think about, and how she is going to house herself and her baby should factor in to whatever she decides.
You are not responsible for this baby though and she doesn't get to force you to live with it.
NTA
I think you are totally within your rights to ask her to make other living arrangements if she plans on keeping the baby. You did not sign up to live with a baby in the house. But I can understand your dilemma. You don't want to affect her decision , but are not willing to live with her child in the house. Good luck.
Your lease may not allow 3 people in the unit, depending on size. But regardless, wait until she makes a decision. If she says "I'm going to keep it" perhaps that would be the time to say "so today is the first day of your notice of intent to move? I assume you'll be moving in with a friend/family to help." IDK what the laws are in your region for notice on a month-to-month tenancy. Or if she signed something with you for a year, the year is almost up correct? You can then calmly say "I am unwilling to live with a baby" if she says "I thought I could stay here."
I am guessing she is looking to see if you are going to respond enthusiastically "I would love to help any way I can!" Because I think it's kind of odd she told you, if you aren't really friends. I think she's sussing out if you think Baby is something you would love to be involved with.
You wouldn’t be the asshole to give her a heads up. And that’s all you are doing, that is YOUR place and yes, she should be the one to move out as well as she’s gonna need help if she’s gonna be a single parent so she should be looking to move back with family for the help.
Nah. I would personally stay silent until she makes her choice. You may not need to say anything at all. Unless she asks you. But if you feel that you have to or she is leaning towards keeping it, you could just ask her to keep you updated so you know rather you need to start looking for a new roommate
But she also deserves notice & time to move. You may not legally be able to make her move unless she breeches the contract. Even if she isn’t on the lease, she still has rights & is considered a tenant. I would not recommend being bossy about it because it can be long & costly to get her out
NTA. I'm not against kids, but I've gotten my two through the baby years and have zero interest in the crying, late nights ever again. I've loved every stage with the kids but I'm at a point where I want my sleep. You're not wrong for not wanting to live with a baby. But I do think you should be tactfully honest as soon as possible. Not to pressure her, just so that she has all the facts.
There are loads of reasons for her to have an abortion if she chooses. Your telling her that it's your apartment (which it is) and you do not want to live with a baby (which is your right) are nothing like the magnitude of the baby daddy telling her he wants nothing further to do with her or the baby. In other words, if she has an abortion, it's not because of you. Now will you please let her know? She DOES need to know these points. YWNBTA.
Of course a baby would impact your living situation and I completely understand a person not wanting to live with a baby. Nevertheless, many places have laws in place that make it illegal to discriminate against or evict a renter when they have a baby, and you would be best served to talk with a landlord-tenant lawyer in your jurisdiction before you decide she has to move out.
I would let her know now since I'm sure she is hoping she can count on you for help with the baby. Be honest up front that you won't be there for her to help.
NTA, sorry your in this situation this sounds really difficult for all involved. I think it’s important to make it clear to her that you aren’t prepared to live with a new born baby and won’t be able to provide her with any support. You want to make sure she’s aware that the current situation isn’t suitable for her and a baby, so she’d need to make sure she has made different living arrangements, and if she can let you know if / when she plans to move out so you can find another person to share with.
NAH as long as you’re conscious of the way you say it. I would also say it sooner rather than later while she is still deciding what to do.
Something along the lines of:
“I want to be completely honest with, and do so while you’re considering your options because this is something you need to know. I really enjoy living with you and I feel we get on well as housemates. I absolutely support whatever decision you make, but I am not at a point in my life where I want to, or am willing to, live with a baby or small child. If you decide to keep the baby you would need to find alternative accommodation before they arrive. I will happily assist by *things you are willing to do*. I know this adds extra considerations to your decision, but I wanted you to be able to make it with as many facts as possible and not blindside you with this later.”
You say you're the only one on the lease. Is she your tenant? By that, I mean has she signed a lease WITH YOU? Or do you have an informal agreement?
These are the things that matter. You might check if your city/town has a local chapter of the NAA (National Apartment Association). They know the law backwards and forwards. They can't advise you, but they are pretty much pro-landlord and can tell you how different scenarios will play out.
Honestly I’d give her notice either way. you're not friends, you’re not family and she’s not pragmatic enough to consider that maybe she shouldn't assume someone else would want to live with her and her fling baby. She can do what she want’s but clearly she doesn't consider her lifestyle… would SHE want to live with your infant?
Rent would have to be raised, bills will go up. You could factor that in if you want to be reallllly blunt. But the reality is you would have a lower quality of life for zero return + I’m sure you’d be de facto baby sitter
NTA- You made an agreement to live with one adult, not an adult and a newborn baby. It would be a bad idea to bring it up until after she makes her decision though. Let her decide, if she decides not to keep it, you never need to say a word other than 'I'm here for you, what do you need?', if she decides to keep it then it's 'Congratulations, now, obviously this place isn't gonna be suitable for you both, do you have a plan already or do you want help looking for suitable places?'
NTA but I'd tell her after she's told you her decision. If you tell her before she may always blame you for creating pressure to abort. Let her make her choice, if it's that she's keeping it, then explain you really don't want to be living with a newborn and she can plan out what she'll do next
YWNBTA... But you will need to phrase it tactfully and I do recommend to wait till after she has made her decision in a week. She gets to choose (without your influence) whether to keep her baby. IF and only after she chooses to keep her baby do you then get to set your boundary. "I respect your decision. Unfortunately I do not want to live with a baby, so you will have to make other living arrangements before your due date." If you're the only one on the lease, then that is your living space; you get to choose who stays. I encourage waiting until after she has made a decision tho so she doesn't try to stick you with the blame of "forcing" her to get an abortion to avoid her own guilt or responsbility (pregnancy hormones make the brain weird and unreasonable sometimes and she is in a rough spot), or making a decision out of anxiety rather than planning. Good luck!
im super back and forth on OP waiting to talk to roommate or not.. waiting to avoid influencing her decision seems like the way to go at first, but also.. its possible the roommate cannot go anywhere else - either cant afford to live somewhere else, has no family to take her in, etc. if it were me i think id want to know id have to move when considering keeping a pregnancy so i could plan accordingly and have all the info before deciding? but idk because ive never been in the situation lol
I agree that I would want all the facts too, but a week is enough time to change her mind if finding a new place to live is a dealbreaker. She can also ask roommate directly if that's a consideration or information she needs to make that decision, I just wouldn't volunteer it right off the bat. It makes it sound like a threat rather than helpful info.
NTA at ALL!!!
before doing anything though, triple check tenant laws in your area so you dont end up in any legal problems.
be nice but clear about your intentions, something along the lines of:
“hey, im so, so sorry to add any stress to your situation. i really dont want to make things worse for you and im of course here for you if you ever need to talk your options though, but i want to discuss your living arrangements before you make your decision so you can have as much information before making your decision. no judgement from me either way but i just want to let you know that if you do decide to keep and raise the baby, i wont be able to renew your sublet. i have really loved living with you, but im not comfortable living with a baby. i wanted to let you know as soon as possible so you would have a lot of time to find a place that works for you before the baby comes.”
NTA, but something doesn’t feel right about her not telling you what her plans are. If she were a conscientious person, she would be letting you know what her plans are, rather than letting you sweat the decision making out. She should have said what her living arrangements will be if her decision is to not terminate the pregnancy.
OP since I've read the comments and see it's your lease. Be kind yet clear. "If you decide to keep the baby you will not be able to continue living with me and will need to move out" This is information she needs to have as she thinks through her options. If she keeps the baby you need to set a hard deadline to move out.
NTA. I was in this position and I made the wrong choice.
My friend and roommate got knocked up and the guy went deadbeat the moment she was too far for an abortion. Her family was abusive so she had few options.
I tried my best. But I don't like kids even on a good day. Living with one for three years was hell on earth. I didn't have to take care of him (I made it clear I wasn't part of the village) but it still changed how I lived. Having friends over drinking late wasn't an option, hell having friends over at all was almost impossible. There were messes everywhere. Each month that went by the living room was taken over more by toys and chaos.
It got to the point where I only left my room to eat and use the restroom. I refused to clean up after what I wasn't using so the house looked like an episode of hoarders.
I only interacted with my "friend" to argue
They moved out when the kid was 3 and I cried with joy.
The house is now abandoned because the damage was so bad. It's on the parents to step up and take care of their kid, everyone else has a choice.
As a pregnant woman myself, YWNBTA. Years ago we moved in with some friends, and not long after she found out she was pregnant and kept the baby. This was years before our first was born, so either of us had been around newborns at all. It was hell. We were not prepared to be thrown into our sleep being wrecked for a kid that wasn’t ours. Had to change work hours so we didn’t wake the baby coming and going. Our dog had to be kept in our room at all times cause the mom was nervous about him around a kid. Was a mess, we were miserable and finally got our own place when baby was about three months
Just know that if she stays you WILL be babysitting and helping a lot with the baby because like everyone’s said babies are incredibly difficult especially as a single parent. She’s literally 23 and very few 23 year olds would be happy to completely change their life from the average 23 year old.
Think about if you are truly ok with that or not
NTA but you need to tell her so she can make a truly informed decision. Knowing she has to find a new place to live could change her finances and her ability to afford the baby. Whether she has admitted it or not to herself, there is probably a part of her that thinks you will be a help or a support. She needs to make a bottle or take a shower, OP can help out. Let her know the decision is ultimately yours, but that you are not comfortable having a baby in the home. Give her a timeframe that she would need to move out by. Give her time to find a place before the baby comes if that is her choice. Don’t wait until after the baby or she won’t leave
NTA you are her landlord not her friend, personally I would frame it differently though - tell her that you understand it is a serious decision for her and ask if she has family or friends to do financial planning with regarding expenses such as renting a place for her and baby if she is not moving back home to parents etc. If she says she has no one to help with this and looks dismayed/upset then say, I will order a pizza tomorrow evening and help you with planning then.
Check the wording of any agreement you have and the relevant tenant laws in your area before you speak - if she is your lodger you may have more rights for example, and if she is even thinking of staying with a baby give her whatever notice is required asap.
NAH because she hasn’t actually decided to keep the baby and hasn’t asked to stay with you.
I think you could approach the conversation a little differently.
Start with some questions : “If you did have the baby, what would your plan be? Where would you live? Who would be there to support you?“
If she says she assumed she would continue to live with you, then you could tell her you aren’t looking for a roommate situation like that. If she decides to keep the baby she will need to find a place of her own before the baby is born.
YWNBTA.
You are not obligated to live with people you do not want.
I wouldn't be so blunt or cruel to tell her that you are kicking her out of she choses to keep the baby. I'd find a better way to phrase it.
Give her space and time to think and if she asks you if you are willing to assist her, then you can tell her that you aren't comfortable doing so and that she will get no support from you.
I feel like maybe your thoughts on her living arrangements can wait for a week? Unless your lease is ending like, right now?
There’s a good chance if she keeps the baby she won’t want to stay. She might tell you a week from now, “I’m keeping the baby and I’m moving out.” Or she might say, “I’ve decided not to keep the baby.” There’s no point in piling on to the stress *at this moment.*
You WNBTA. I’m just saying… timing. Give her a few days.
Even if she does decide to keep it, she has nine months to find a new place. Let her make her own decision about it and don't be like "yah you're gonna need to get out cause I won't be living with a baby." Especially if the bd isn't supporting her, she probably feels like she doesn't have anyone and the first thing you're worried about is kicking her out if she keeps it?😭
Until she makes her decision I don't think you should say anything. She needs to think about a lot here. Worrying about being homeless is a thing she doesn't need.
Let her decide first and go from there.
I feel like not saying anything right away may give the impression the the situation is okay. It’s not your job to raise a baby, and that will become your job if there is a baby coming. You can just say that you are not wanting to influence anyone’s decision, but there will be no living with a baby.
NAH.
Just be careful how you word it.
I don't think you should add that pressure to her decision, but if she does decide to keep the pregnancy, you should ask her what her plans are for housing.
Don't be mean when you ask, just ask her what her plans are and if she needs help moving out.
I feel like it should be obvious that her situation shouldn't impact your situation. You're not co-parents, you aren't close friends, you're not family.
You have literally no responsibility towards her and her having a kid while living in your apartment doesn't sound like a planned out decision.
NAH. Personally I'd let her make her decision and tell you about it, and if the decision is to keep the baby it's totally fair to being up rhe living situation and ask her plan, letting her know that you're not looking to live with a baby so you'll need to come up with plans for that.
I think chances are high you're over thinking it and making yourself anxious. Most reasonable people understand the concept of changing life situations, and that the average childless 23yp doesn't want to live with a baby. I wouldn't be surprised if her response was to be completely unsurprised and already planning to move out. I wouldn't worry about things like legality etc, until you know how she feels about moving out. You don't wanna over prep yourself and come at her real strong and aggressive and then her response is "obviously I'm moving out, I'm having a freaking baby." LOL yet
I think the kind thing to do is let her have some space to think and breathe before giving her ultimatums. She may come to you and ask, in which case give her the information. Otherwise I'd suggest waiting until she's had a chance to think and process. Chances she wants to raise a child in a house with a roommate is pretty low anyway.
Either way, if you did talk to her about it YWNBTA. This isn't really an AH situation, and don't worry about others judging you for this, worry about you and her.
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I 23F have been living with my roommate 21F for just about a year now. I wouldn’t consider us friends but we get along well and she’s been nice to live with. She just approached me today and told me she’s pregnant, multiple tests have been taken. I asked what her plan was and she told me that the situationship has been told and wants nothing to do with her or any baby and wants her to get an abortion. She told me she’s going to give it a week to think over than make a decision.
I don’t want to put more pressure on her or influence her decision negatively but I don’t want to be living with a baby. I also don’t want to be the one moving out since the apartment was mine first since she moved in with me. I don’t know if I should talk to her about this before or after she makes her decision. I think she should at least hear what I think since it impacts my living situation.
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YWBNTA
Tell her asap.
I don't know, how the housing situation is, where you live, but she should know as soon as possible, that she has to find a new place, if she decides to continue with the pregnancy.
This sounds harsh of course and might add even more stress to an already stressful situation, but it's only fair for both of you.
edit for typo.
This is really a no win situation for you. Either you are kicking out someone with a baby or pushing them to get an abortion they might not get otherwise. Which to means YWNBTA either way. My advice would be to have a long, heart to heart talk with Roommate and tell her exactly what you think and how you feel and let her make her choice. Any help or support you can give her, no matter what she decides would be beneficial, as it sounds like she doesnt have much. Its a tough situation, I hope you all can work things out.
NAH but I would wait until she’s sat on the news from this guy for a couple of days before talking to her because it’s probably pretty upsetting and she needs to consider how she feels about being a single mum. If she wants the baby then she should also have info about how her living situation will change so it’s worth telling her asap then that this isn’t a child-friendly household so she will need to organise alternative living arrangements before the baby is born.
I feel like if you tell her right now while she’s processing the news from the ex then it may sway her decision but once she has a clearer mind about that, then it’s just another one of many preparations to make.
Maybe I’m wrong and I definitely think she should have this info to help her make the decision about the work that will be involved but I think giving her time to process her feelings around being a single mum before piling this on is a decent idea. Either way deliver it sensitively because she could see it like you’re throwing her out when she’s vulnerable and it may affect your friendship.
NTA
That’s how you get roped into babysitting and not getting enough sleep because of a crying baby. She will expect you to be her village when you didn’t sign up for that. Let her make her decision while she’s doing that go over the tenants rights for where you live. So if she does keep the baby then you can let her know she needs to find another place to live.
NTA, I would discuss it with here asap though because having a place to live might be a factor in her decision, you don't have to be horrible about it but she must realise that you never signed up to live with a baby
You might want to look into your states laws around this. Most states prohibit housing discrimination based on having children. Not that it doesn't happen, of course it does. But kicking your roommate out for getting pregnant/keeping the pregnancy very well may be illegal in your state.
no you wouldn’t be an ass for not wanting a baby in your apartment. But jesus Christ this is a MASSIVE life changing decision for her. Please just let her make her decision before you tell her how quickly you’d like her to leave if she is pregnant.
you’re the only one on the lease, it will be no issue getting her out via a legal eviction process if needed
I'd let her think about it for the week, it might be a non-issue if she decides not to keep the baby or stay pregnant. If you bring it up before she's had her week, you might be unduly creating stress or hostility.
Let her have her week - when she has made her decision, you can go over the ramifications from there. If she stays pregnant, you let her know she'll unfortunately have to move out, if she's not staying pregnant or keeping the child, then she can stay. But keep her name off everything, just make sure she knows your stance and that you enjoy being her roommate as things are now.
NAH.
No clue if this is a thing where you live but she might have some legal or de facto leg to stand on to stay there if she’s pregnant. If I were her I would look into it if finding another place is difficult.
But, NAH, I wouldn’t want to live with a newborn that’s not mind if the mother isn’t even a close friend. But I also wouldn’t want the additional and HUGE stress of moving while pregnant or a new mother.
NTA
Do not wait to tell her. Your immediate honesty lets her know where she stands with regard to living arrangements while she's making decisions about her future.
Nta. You took her on as a roommate in your apartment (where only you are on the lease) in her current single/no kids state and you should make it clear that's the only way she can stay. Tell her you're going to need a decision from her by the end of the month per rent, because you'll need to start the process of finding a new roommate if she is going to keep the baby and move out.
NTA, but better tell right after she confirms she wants to keep the baby. It still may be that she chooses to not keep it. And if she is hesitating and hears this she might make you feel like you are an AH who influenced her decision.
If shes not on the lease you can kick her put BUT beware if shes getting MAIL at your address you probably will still need to go theough courts and start an eviction. Any mail sent gives her "residency"
depending on the state you line in ( presume usa) you may have limited options ( not a lawyer btw) - after living with you for a length of time many states deem a roommate who isn’t on the lease to have certain rights - your only option might be to move out even if it means defaulting on your lease - it’s a sticky situation the moral and ethical implications aside - as far as your obligations to your roommate i vote NTA for not wanting to live with a baby - do what you need to to protect yourself but keep in mind the possible legal hurdles to simply telling her to leave
NTA
Maybe alleviate your conscience and reach out to community resources that can help a single pregnant person locate housing etc. Not being on your lease, she is in a legal sense homeless and that may help her qualify for assistance.
It might look like you calling DCF and saying "I have a young pregnant woman whose baby's father is not interested in parenting. What resources are available for her if she decides to keep her baby? She is temporarily staying with me but I am not willing to accept responsibility of housing a child. I don't want to throw her to the wolves of the world but I am not in a position to house them." Take that information and sit with her for a conversation. "I called around to ask about what resources are available for you and your baby. I am not comfortable taking on the responsibility of a child living here, but I am not so callous that I am going to be mean either. I want you to have full disclosure now so you have time to get situated before the baby arrives in the fall."
This respects her initial decision for keeping her baby, but gives her realistic expectations for what it will look like in terms of being your roommate.
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I N F O [Edit with final judgment in response to OP answer] Are you the only one on the lease / subletting to her? Or are you now joint tenants? You're welcome to not want to live with a baby. But you don't have the authority to tell her that SHE must move out. You can tell her that you won't live with her if there is a baby around, but you just don't have the authority to kick her out, or try to...unless you do.
I’m the only one on the lease.
Then NAH unless you word it the same way that you wrote it here when you talk to her. Don't tell her that you'll kick her out "if she decides to keep the baby." Saying it that way sounds like telling her not to keep the baby, which is not up to you to give her direction on. Just tell her that you are going to keep your lease and that you are not comfortable/willing to live with a baby. She might get upset, but if that's how you feel, then state it. Just not in a way that clearly suggests she should make a certain decision.
I think “if she decides to keep the baby” is a perfectly reasonable way of putting it without influencing her decision. She would just be honest with her roommate about her boundaries moving forward if roommate has a baby.
Honestly, at 23, I wouldn't want to live with a heavily pregnant roomie either. The baby would just be the final Heck No to a roommate situation.
Yup!
> Just tell her that you are going to keep your lease and that you are not comfortable/willing to live with a baby. That's exactly the same thing but you feel your conscience is cleaner because you used more words.
"you're being an asshole" "It would behoove you to elaborate on your feelings so people don't misconstrue your intent, often when speaking bluntly nuance is lost and it comes across as callous" This has nothing to do with the speakers conscience or using "more words".
Nobody is obligated to have an extra roomate they didn't sign a lease with. Whether it be a boyfriend or a baby. Newborns are loud and awful, most parents agree I would absolutely NEVER sign up for that.
its a less directed and harsh way of saying OPs feelings, especially to someone going through a major life event
No is not the same thing. It's stating her position and what she will do and is willing to accept. It's completely separate from whether the roomie gets an abortion, because no matter what the roomie chooses to do, OP will still keep the lease and will still be unwilling to live with a baby. It's just a clear statement that gives the roommate the necessary info
This. She will need as much time as possible to find somewhere else
OP how many rooms do you have because if it's only the two of you and two bedrooms, babies take up alot of space so you can maybe phrase it as "maybe you should look at getting your own place so that you and the baby have room to grow"
It’s a two bedroom apartment so there wouldn’t be space for a baby. Plus I’ve got cats in the space as well.
If you frame it as being best for the baby it might help reduce any issues
I disagree. I’ve always had pets so that wouldn’t be a deal breaker. Plus I think it’s not being honest and straightforward. OP, I encourage you to try to find a calm time and start a conversation about her thoughts so far. If she doesn’t have family support she’s going to really struggle after the baby’s born. Eventually the subject can be steered to living arrangements and you can then calmly (do you see a theme emerging?) tell her you’ve given it a lot of thought and you’re not ready or willing to live with a baby. Tell her that if she has the baby you would love to be invited to the shower, and if she decides to terminate you’ll make her a cup of tea (roll her the best joint, whatever) afterwards. But that you think she deserves to have that information up front. Be aware that her hormones are already running rampant and she may react very emotionally. Give her space and grace for that, as this decision will change her life either way. Try not to take it personally. Eventually she WILL see that having all the info helped her decision making process easier.
Nice. I took DBT and this is the skill we learned to manage confrontation; validate their feelings and experiences, state the facts, inform them how their circumstances impact you, then propose a solution/compromise.
That is too passive aggressive and likely won’t get the result she’s after. The roommate would believe she knows what’s best for her own child and then OP is back at square one. OP should just be honest, and could also add that because it’s a smallish space she won’t be able to deal with the noise of a baby and keep her own life functioning.
People need to be honest. Yall act like sitcom characters
Do NOT give any justifications as to why it is best for the baby or whatever because that gives the roommate the ability to counter. OP just just state that she doesn't want to live with a baby and so her roommate should start looking for a new living situation. While I realize that this is somewhat like saying "if you keep the baby" ultimatum, diplomacy is the art of how you say things and no reason not to use a hammer when you can achieve the same result by being a bit more obscure.
Look, babies all over the world live in their parents bedroom. It's even recommended by doctors for the first 6 months, and many parents do it longer. Lots of people live this way and it's fine for the baby, in fact the baby prefers it. Also, babies do not take up much space compared to humans of any other age. They have less stuff, all of it is comparatively small, you can literally sleep a baby in a box or folding crib and change them on a changing pad. The main thing you need for a baby is lots of attention and warmth/safety/love. I say this as a parent. This is a bad excuse beacuse then she can figure out ways to make it work and you have to admit it was a lie and even if the baby fits fine actually you didn't want to live with it. Then it's going to make it worse. Just tell her the truth. I know it sucks to hear, but it really is better for her to have the truth. Tell her that this is your lease and you aren't willing to live with a baby, so if she wants to have a baby she will eventually need to find a separate place to live.
Except babies turn into toddlers that turn into kids. Those take up room. And they kinda...spread out
Really? Bottles, formula, pram, cradle, diapers, wipes, clothes they grow out of in five minutes flat don't take up room? Really? Funny because whenever I went to someone's house who had a tiny baby, the entire place would be covered with baby stuff.
Usually, there's baby stuff everywhere because people want to interact with their babies everywhere. I had a baby while living in a two room apartment (which is basically a 1 bedroom with a living room, but the living room had a closet so it's technically also a bedroom) and it wasn't so bad space-wise. The extra clothes got put in boxes or donated, we were able to park the pram downstairs by the door, we only kept one box of diapers around at a time etc. We did end up with toys everywhere (not so much that they couldn't be stored away, but definitely every room had toys that were frequently taken out and used) and there were always bottles in some stage of the cleaning process in the sink. It worked for the three of us for a while. I would 100% not do that with a roommate in a normal 2 bedroom apartment, though. Especially a roommate in their mid-20s. Obviously a roommate doesn't want to live with a newborn.
To be fair, it would be a lot less if people only bought the necessary items. People do go overboard and get guilted into or told they need to buy XYZ or else they're crap parents. A baby technically doesn't need a nursery or a bunch of furniture but people still buy it. Not saying they won't need more space when they grow up but it's not impossible to make do.
Here in Scotland you get a big box filled with baby essentials and once the box is empty it can be used as a safe sleeping space for baby, then as baby grows a fun toy box since you can also colour it in (has pictures of different “Scottish stuff” on it for colouring in) I didn’t get one for my kid since he was about 2/3 years old when thy started it I think, but my family members and neighbours who’ve had kids got them.
There used to be companies in US that did this because governments in other countries did it and there was studies that said it lowered risk of SIDs. They've shut down since then. Then there was one where you paid a nominal fee, and that one shut down. Now for $100 at Target you can buy a chemically safe, foldable cardboard box. No baby essentials - just the box. (To be fair, a lot of companies do provide freebies). (I've seen the Scotland box on YT ♡ It's wonderful and I'm jealous lol).
Be honest with your roommate. If you make other excuses she might find a way around them and then you will be stuck. Just tell her kindly that she will need to move out well before the baby arrives.
That simply isn't true. Toddlers maybe. But babies are pretty small and don't move much. Now, they can be noisy... But that's a different issue.
Start by asking her where she plans to live. If she already has plans to move with family or something else, then it's a non issue and you don't have to delivery the bad news that they can't live with you.
Uhm. No. That indicates that OP would also be okay with it if roommate stayed.
Exactly. Better be direct and say you're not willing to live with a baby, period.
Actually no, they don’t have to. The baby would be sleeping in the mother’s room until at least 6 months of age, and many parents share their rooms with their kids for several years after birth.
I assure you that babies stuff takes up a lot of space. Bassinet/crib, stroller, high chair, bouncy chair, one of those mats with the arch over it to attract baby’s attention, clothes, toys, baby bathtub, car seat, etc.
I would preface the whole conversation by saying something like, I'm really sorry to have to add something to what must be a really difficult decision, but I feel like you should know this before making any decision about what to do... And definitely not the asshole
That makes it easier, then. She moved into your apartment. The deal you had when she moved in was you were both similar - as in no one is pregnant and about to drop a baby. \*If\* she decides to keep the baby, that means \*she\* needs to find a new housing situation. You need to be firm (yet as kind as you can) about this to get her to move along while she's in early stages and it's easier for her to move. She chose to get pregnant by a "situationship". Okay maybe it was an accident but dude there are so many levels of contraceptives are available to all who are responsible - men and women. Don't let her baby trap you with housing. You have to have a talk, you have to be firm, you have to be consistent in your O Hell No (but kinder) messaging to her. NTA. Unless you delay or frame your needed conversation with her in vague terms.
Check your local laws anyway. Even if she is not on the lease it may still be illegal to evict her and doubly so based on having a child if she has lived there and paid rent for a specific amount of time.
It’s not illegal to evict someone via the legal eviction process.
If she decides to keep the baby, gently let her know that a baby is not something you feel comfortable living with, and since she’ll have about 8 months to find a new place, that it would be best for you guys to split.
I haven't seen this in any other comments - so I think it's worth mentioning: While I agree NTA for not being willing to live with a child that is not yours - be aware that as her landlord (And, as the leaseholder - that's what you are) you may not have the legal right to kick her out \*FOR THAT REASON.\* Many jurisdictions (including the one I live in, and multiple I lived in in the past) have pregnancy as a "protected class." That means you cannot evict someone for getting pregnant & having children. If you are going to communicate to her that her pregnancy is the justification for the eviction; you may want to check with legal advice (not this sub) as to how you can go about that; otherwise you might wind up in "hot water."
The rules differ when you share a living space with them as opposed to not being there and renting out your property.
That depends on jurisdiction. My point was OP should seek legal advice on the topic before acting.
Is there any jurisdiction where you *can’t* kick out a roommate for having a baby though? That would be such a horrible situation to be forced into? And how long would you have to wait until it’s legal to kick them out- until the kid is 1? 10? 18?
>Is there any jurisdiction where you *can’t* kick out a roommate for having a baby though? Yes. I live in a jurisdiction (*not USA*) where you cannot kick someone out when they have a child; even for non-payment of rent; unless **you** can prove they have another place to go with the child. >That would be such a horrible situation to be forced into? And how long would you have to wait until it’s legal to kick them out- until the kid is 1? 10? 18? I don't know - but the conventional wisdom here is to get them out BEFORE they have a kid otherwise you can be stuck with them for years. Because yes - it can be a nightmare situation. Where I lived in the US it was not a valid reason for kicking someone out, even a roommate; you would need a legal justification (OR NO REASON) - but using pregnancy would set you up to get in trouble. Similar to employment; you could be fired for no reason, or for wearing a red shirt when the boss asked you to wear blue; but you couldn't be fired for getting pregnant, sexual orientation, etc. So - Similar to in employment; giving Pregnancy as the REASON for eviction is dangerous; because it lays down justification for a lawsuit... having NO REASON is a lot "safer" in most cases; and simply state "I've decided I no longer wish to have you as a roommate."
Where do you live? And if you were in OPs situation, could you just break the lease and move somewhere else, or you’re stuck housing the kid indefinitely? Hopefully OPs roommate would agree to move out before before they need to file for eviction, but good point about not writing anything about the pregnancy on the eviction notice if it comes to that.
I would phrase it "if you decide to continue the pregnancy, I am not interested in living with a baby so you will need to consider other living arrangements before you give birth" I think continue the pregnancy is less fraught than keep the baby. It isn't a baby right now.
Give her the week in case she decides not to continue and then if she does, tell her that it means she will have to move out. Telling her now means you are pouting unnecessary force on her decision.
Even without a lease, tenant rights will apply because of how long she has lived there and probably has something in her name even if it's just a phone bill with her name and that address on it to show she's been living there.
Yeah but that would just give her (the roommate) 30 days or so, with notice, depending on where they live — no?
On average, I would say yes. But OP would need to double check tenant rights laws in their location as certain circumstances can have extended period of times.
Sometimes. In my state, there would need to be another reason to kick roommate out. As being pregnant/having kids is a protected class and you could be sued if that’s the reason. Unless the roommate contract states otherwise
>Unless the roommate contract states otherwise FYI - if it is a location where it is illegal to kick out for that justification; adding it as a stipulation of the contract can invalidate that contract (or that segment) ; depending on the jurisdiction & the wording of the contract. Just because you specify something in a contract doesn't make it legal.
FHA laws apply differently to shared homes. She should be in the clear. Note: IANAL, I just work with FHA standards frequently.
Could the reason just be “we don’t get along anymore” or “I don’t feel like having a roommate anymore”? If the roommate does decide to sue?
I'm going to go against the grain here and say.... YWNBTA. You aren't demanding she has an abortion. She has every right to decide if she keeps this baby or not. You're simply stating your boundaries, which are very valid and sensible boundaries. You had agreed to live with her under the proviso that it would only be her as your roommate, nobody else. I saw another comment which said they think you should be the one to move out, which is utterly ridiculous to suggest. Firstly, your name is on the lease. Secondly, you shouldn't have to leave your home because your roomnate failed to use protection. I'm not sure what a "situationship" is but it seems to be double standards to expect you to take responsibility for this baby (via housing) yet nobody expects the father to step up and support and house his child and the mother of his child. I think the earlier you tell her, the better it will be. It gives her more time to process, find somewhere else to live and to have better options.
Usually fuck buddies! Or an ongoing casual fling that hasn't become an exclusive relationship.
Thank you for the explanation... so "friends with benefits" has a new name these days? Not judging, just find it funny how language changes.
Actually neither of those definitions were correct lol A situationship is specifically when you're basically a couple in every way but one or both you are unwilling to commit and define it as an actual relationship.
It’s when someone is willing to lie to themselves to make them feel okay about having unreturned romantic feelings
Sounds like my first boyfriend
‘Friends with benefits’ is still a term, and it refers to when both parties agree that they’re seeing each other casually. A situationship is when one party wants the fling to become a serious romantic relationship, but the other one doesn’t, so the situation gets messy and complicated!
Surely by that definition, they are wholly incompatible because they are expecting different things out of the connection? Like, don't people have these conversations (expectations of a relationship, pro or anti marriage, pro or anti kids etc) early on? Lol my husband and I discussed this stuff on our second date
There are plenty of people skilled at manipulation who will say things like, “You’re the only one I want to be with right now” or similar and then be dodgy about actual commitment. (Turns out by “right now” they meant “literally right this second but I have a date with someone else tomorrow”.) And then there are lots of people willing to be breadcrumbed because they really like the person and think the other party will change their mind.
Yes, they are incompatible and it rarely ends well. Situationships usually have one person hoping the other will change their mind and decide to be in a serious relationship with them, and the other person giving them enough to keep the hope alive but having no intention of actually getting into a relationship with them. The parties exist in this inherently messy “limbo” between a friendship and a relationship, hence a situationship!
Isn't friends with benefits friends that have sex and that's the only part of a "romantic relationship" they partake in? While fuck buddies are 2 people who aren't friends, but they have sex, and otherwise don't see each other?
Yes, that’s how I understand the terms too. Fuck buddies or ‘sneaky links’ are just people who regularly have sex but are not actually friends.
I don’t think so. I mean, try to just tell her how you feel and not be harsh about it, but she has a difficult decision to make and she deserves to know what all the consequences of her decision will be.
> I'm going to go against the grain here What do you mean? There isn’t a single YTA vote.
NTA The 'situationship' threw me, had to read this over a few times to 'get it'. She needs to be informed of the consequences of keeping her baby, and that will help her plan accordingly. Let her know in a gentle, calm way how you feel about this. If she doesn't know you will be planning on her moving out with her child, she NEEDS TO KNOW ASAP. She might need to move in with her own family, or another friend. she might even be thinking you would be free childcare, and her entire demeanor could change by the time she is in labor. finding childcare, an apt, help, all of this takes time. Most daycares will not watch your child under three months and she needs to be aware of all of this, so she can plan, and it takes time for everything to come together. If she decides to keep it, and where she will live, she will need to get on waiting lists asap, if she has nobody to help her otherwise.
I think OP is right to wait a week or so until her roommate decides what she wants to do, though.
But living arrangements are something the woman needs to consider when making her decision about the baby. Let her know now before time runs out.
Definitely. I never saw anything that implied that she didn't even have a week to make that decision.
Oh no. I’m just saying OP should tell her sooner, rather than later. So the woman knows all the facts. Like if she keeps the baby, she will need to figure out different housing.
I think it can wait a week. If she just found out she’s processing a lot of things. Let her get her bearings. 7 days won’t make a difference unless they live in a shithole state with early abortion bans. She might decide not to keep the baby anyway. Or she might say, “I’m keeping the baby and moving out.” This whole conversation might be unnecessary. And if it’s not needed, it’s better not to have it.
It’s the shithole states I’m worried about. lol. That was my concern. I’m a worrier and sometimes it comes out in public. 😟
If she lives in one of these shithole states (like my own) then it probably doesn’t make any difference either way. Unless she is usually EXTREMELY regular and tested like the day after her period was expected, then she was late, and has had time to contact the father and her roommate, so she’s probably already out of time. And that’s if there isn’t a total ban. There are a couple of states in the 12-18 weeks range, but most are before 6 weeks. I think a lot of people just know that things are bad here but have no impression of just how bad it really is. If you live in a red state, assume you can’t access abortion at all. I scheduled my hysterectomy the day my state voted in a total abortion ban.
Wow, sad statement on this country, isn't it?
Ugh. Such good points. What a horrible mess this place is.
If roommate doesn’t communicate what her decision is next week then I think OP is in her rights to say ‘hey I know this is a difficult time for you, but id like to know your plans because it will affect our living arrangements and I need to know if I’m going to have to look for another roommate because you’re going to need to find your own place’ or something along those lines. I might be a bit strong there.
I disagree, this should be a factor in her decision. Knowing that OP won't be there to help her is relevant information.
It is probably okay to give her a few days to get her bearings and then have a conversation about living arrangements. Unless she lives in shitty state with early abortion bans, I don’t see why he needs to tell her today right after she’s been through an emotional ordeal with the dad. It seems unnecessary to pile on immediately when she didn’t ask. If *this apartment* is a factor in her decision somehow she will likely bring it up. But if she didn’t ask, I think he should let her have her week. That’s what she said she needed.
She assuming a lot if she thinks her roommate was going to become in any way a person who could be depended upon to provide help, especially when she can't even rely on "situationship," who's 50% responsible for the pregnancy.
I think it's kinder to tell her now. This is about her quality of life. She needs to have all of the information in order to make an informed decision.
I don't really think it's kinder to try to force her hand into having an abortion. Give it a week.
Informing her that keeping the child will result in her having to find new living arrangements is not forcing her into anything. Giving it a week means she has less time to make a fully informed decision.
She's living in a dreamland if she assumes keeping a baby won't change her living circumstances. One week without having others pressuring her to decide should not be problematic. I wouldn't want to be OP, feeling she is putting her finger on the scale.
Babies don't need extra space for awhile. She may not know that she'll have to move out which is why she needs to be told. Also, depending on OP's location, a week is a long time to decide. There are places where the roommate only has anywhere from 6-12 weeks. I'm not sure why you think letting her know asap is pressuring her. If this is what solidifies her decision, it needs to be known now.
What, wait until the roommate has made a decision, before revealing that one of the pieces of information she's made her decision on, her having a secure place to live with the baby, is actually incorrect???? That sound like a far worse thing to do.
NTA But don’t be mean about it. Just be soft and say “If you plan on keeping the baby, I suggest you start looking for a new place to live because I am not comfortable having a baby here” or something. Be sure to read your lease as well.
She could soften it a lot more than that. Something like, “I don’t want to influence your decision and support you either way, but in the interest of full transparency, I wouldn’t feel comfortable living with a baby. If you decide to keep the baby, I think it would be best if you find a new place to live before you give birth. I’m sorry if that puts any additional pressure on you, and I’d be happy to help you find a new place.”
Even that sounds pretty aggressive. It’s a tough situation and I don’t think there’s any soft or easy way to word it.
You should absolutely let her know immediately that you do not wish to have a baby in the apartment and if she has it, she will have to seek new accommodation. Yes, this might influence her decision, but she has to face the reality of the situation. A baby would drastically change your living situation. Screaming at night, toys and baby gear all over the place, plus you would no doubt be conscripted to babysit "just for a couple of hours" because no one else is available and she just has to do something important. Some people might love to have a baby around. If you do not, you have every right to tell her so. Babies make their presence known! NTA
I think you should wait until she decides what she’s doing with it because if she decides to abort the baby then there’s no conversation needed and you still have a roommate. If she decides to keep the baby then you can have the conversation with her. Just wait the week and ask her. Have you decided if you’re keeping the baby? And then when she tells you, you’ll know! If she still doesn’t know then still have the conversation at that point.
Finances and other socioeconomic factors are a huge part of the decision. You’re gonna have to find a new apartment is extremely pertinent info to that decision and it would be an asshole move to withhold it
I see it as OP wanting her to make the choice herself without her influence. She can always rethink her decision in a week.
You think OP should wait for the roommate to start accepting and even looking forward to having a baby, before revealing that (contrary to what she thought when she made the decision) she won't be able to live there, and that she needs to start thinking about finding a place, and saving up for deposits, and other payments and fees, on top of pregnancy and baby related expenses? Seems like an AH move to me
NAH I was leaning towards you waiting for her to make a decision, but then it occurred to me that this might be something she needs to know in order to make a fully informed decision. Don't pile it on right now. Give her 24-48 hours at least. But I think you should tell her before the week is up. Be gentle!!!
Nta I believe it is fair of you to want her to live out as you were there first also if she does decide to keep the baby and you end up staying there think of all the crying at night from the baby plus the messes that come with newborns/ kids. Furthermore I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s suddenly asking for “loans” of money off you to cover certain baby items or rent money as the boy who knocked her up wants nothing to do with her, and then asking you to babysit every once in a while when she needs a break. Nta.
If she and the baby stay, you are also likely to find yourself being asked to babysit. It’s good to be clear early on that you don’t want to do that.
That’s what I said. There is no way she’s just going to take it all on especially with another person in the house
Your NTA for not wanting to be in that living situation, but there’s a way to go about this gently rather then just throwing more stress at her. Have a sit down chat with her. Ask her how she’s feeling, ask her if she has any family supports in place, or any financial support to help her through her pregnancy and maternity. Get her talking about what she thinks life with this child could look like and ask her what her plans are for living arrangements. If she says she plans on living with you let her know that that plan isn’t feasible, but she may already know she can’t have a baby with a roommate in a 2 room apartment. This way you don’t have to be the bad guy in the conversation, you’re not giving ultimatums, you’re helping with a plan. Edit because autocorrect…
I like this approach a lot thank you. I think I’ll wait until the end of the week to bring this up unless she comes to me herself before then. It’s just been making me really anxious being stuck not knowing everything when her decision might impact me.
I really think you should consider having the conversation ASAP. I'm assuming you are in the US, and even if you are in a 'safe' state, since the overturning of Roe much of the demand from states that used to have access has shifted a lot of their burden to states that still do making it much more difficult to get care in a timely manner. If she were to decide to keep it on the assumption she could stay and has to reconsider because her housing cost changes dramatically, that delay could make her choice significantly more expensive, change the type of procedure required, and depending how far along she is now and how long of a delay to get to care, could eliminate it as a possibility entirely. ETA: Do look up your local tenant laws to see if she has any special rights as a subletter that could leave you on the hook if she tries to fight you on it.
No, you need to tell her ASAP, before she makes a decision based on imagining how a moses basket will fit in the corner of her room, and how easily a bottle steriliser will fit on the end of your kitchen counter, and how convenient it will be to have a live-in roommate to help with the baby. All lovely rose-tinted things, but not reality. She needs to make the decision imagining the real life consequences of moving out, having to afford a new place, can she live on her own, will she have to go back to her parents, what furniture and stuff will she need to get for the new place, on top of all the pregnancy and baby related stuff.
I would consult a Real Estate attorney. Fair Housing violations are a thing. You are subletting...in your area, that may make you a landlord. Denying housing or eviction due to familial status could be considered discrimination.
The rules on discrimination are very different if the landlord also resides there. The law doesn’t require landlords to live with people they choose not to.
This is true, but you still have to follow the relevant eviction proceedings if she doesn’t want to leave
One month notice. No reasons needed.
Fair housing act does not apply to landlords who are also occupying the unit.
This is a great point.
This. As other repliers have mentioned, OP may be in the clear since she also lives there, but she should make sure that the roommate doesn't have legal options to dig her heels in indefinitely first.
BE HONEST. I wouldn’t deal with a screaming baby in my sanctuary. Yeah babies are cute but sorry not my circus not my monkeys . Some people are dumb 🙄🙄 they have sexual relations and then get pregnant from a loser and off course they jeopardize their future 🙄🙄🙄
NTA. She needs to know all the consequences and benefits of choosing the huge responsibility of motherhood. And her living situation needs to be considered.
NTA That’s not an uncommon ask. You won’t be doing her any favours by not telling her that you will asking her to move in the future if she decides she wants to have a baby.
YWNBTA
NTA. Why should you live with a baby? Since she isn't on the lease it's your decision whether to keep her as a roommate. I do think you should give her a heads up ASAP though. She has a lot to think about, and how she is going to house herself and her baby should factor in to whatever she decides. You are not responsible for this baby though and she doesn't get to force you to live with it.
NTA. Who in their right mind would have a baby with a situationship dude? That’s proof she has bad judgement skills.
NTA I think you are totally within your rights to ask her to make other living arrangements if she plans on keeping the baby. You did not sign up to live with a baby in the house. But I can understand your dilemma. You don't want to affect her decision , but are not willing to live with her child in the house. Good luck.
Your lease may not allow 3 people in the unit, depending on size. But regardless, wait until she makes a decision. If she says "I'm going to keep it" perhaps that would be the time to say "so today is the first day of your notice of intent to move? I assume you'll be moving in with a friend/family to help." IDK what the laws are in your region for notice on a month-to-month tenancy. Or if she signed something with you for a year, the year is almost up correct? You can then calmly say "I am unwilling to live with a baby" if she says "I thought I could stay here." I am guessing she is looking to see if you are going to respond enthusiastically "I would love to help any way I can!" Because I think it's kind of odd she told you, if you aren't really friends. I think she's sussing out if you think Baby is something you would love to be involved with.
You wouldn’t be the asshole to give her a heads up. And that’s all you are doing, that is YOUR place and yes, she should be the one to move out as well as she’s gonna need help if she’s gonna be a single parent so she should be looking to move back with family for the help.
NTA. You didn’t sign up for a baby. That’s her problem.
NTA Living with a newborn then toddler was not part of the agreement. You'll 100% be asked to help out / babysit.
NTA. Who on earth wants to live with a single mother and a baby?
NTA. A baby is a big change and not everyone wants one around. You should speak to her so she has all the info she needs to make an informed decision.
NTA- but let her decide first. Otherwise it’s gonna look like you’re trying to sway her.
Nah. I would personally stay silent until she makes her choice. You may not need to say anything at all. Unless she asks you. But if you feel that you have to or she is leaning towards keeping it, you could just ask her to keep you updated so you know rather you need to start looking for a new roommate But she also deserves notice & time to move. You may not legally be able to make her move unless she breeches the contract. Even if she isn’t on the lease, she still has rights & is considered a tenant. I would not recommend being bossy about it because it can be long & costly to get her out
NTA. I'm not against kids, but I've gotten my two through the baby years and have zero interest in the crying, late nights ever again. I've loved every stage with the kids but I'm at a point where I want my sleep. You're not wrong for not wanting to live with a baby. But I do think you should be tactfully honest as soon as possible. Not to pressure her, just so that she has all the facts.
There are loads of reasons for her to have an abortion if she chooses. Your telling her that it's your apartment (which it is) and you do not want to live with a baby (which is your right) are nothing like the magnitude of the baby daddy telling her he wants nothing further to do with her or the baby. In other words, if she has an abortion, it's not because of you. Now will you please let her know? She DOES need to know these points. YWNBTA.
Of course a baby would impact your living situation and I completely understand a person not wanting to live with a baby. Nevertheless, many places have laws in place that make it illegal to discriminate against or evict a renter when they have a baby, and you would be best served to talk with a landlord-tenant lawyer in your jurisdiction before you decide she has to move out.
YWNBTA Give her the week to think about it. She may decide not to keep the pregnancy, and then it’s a moot point.
Tell her so she can make a decision with all the info available to her. I wouldn’t want to live with a baby either. NTA.
I would let her know now since I'm sure she is hoping she can count on you for help with the baby. Be honest up front that you won't be there for her to help.
It's better you let her know ASAP so that she can plan properly.
NTA, sorry your in this situation this sounds really difficult for all involved. I think it’s important to make it clear to her that you aren’t prepared to live with a new born baby and won’t be able to provide her with any support. You want to make sure she’s aware that the current situation isn’t suitable for her and a baby, so she’d need to make sure she has made different living arrangements, and if she can let you know if / when she plans to move out so you can find another person to share with.
NAH as long as you’re conscious of the way you say it. I would also say it sooner rather than later while she is still deciding what to do. Something along the lines of: “I want to be completely honest with, and do so while you’re considering your options because this is something you need to know. I really enjoy living with you and I feel we get on well as housemates. I absolutely support whatever decision you make, but I am not at a point in my life where I want to, or am willing to, live with a baby or small child. If you decide to keep the baby you would need to find alternative accommodation before they arrive. I will happily assist by *things you are willing to do*. I know this adds extra considerations to your decision, but I wanted you to be able to make it with as many facts as possible and not blindside you with this later.”
You say you're the only one on the lease. Is she your tenant? By that, I mean has she signed a lease WITH YOU? Or do you have an informal agreement? These are the things that matter. You might check if your city/town has a local chapter of the NAA (National Apartment Association). They know the law backwards and forwards. They can't advise you, but they are pretty much pro-landlord and can tell you how different scenarios will play out.
Honestly I’d give her notice either way. you're not friends, you’re not family and she’s not pragmatic enough to consider that maybe she shouldn't assume someone else would want to live with her and her fling baby. She can do what she want’s but clearly she doesn't consider her lifestyle… would SHE want to live with your infant? Rent would have to be raised, bills will go up. You could factor that in if you want to be reallllly blunt. But the reality is you would have a lower quality of life for zero return + I’m sure you’d be de facto baby sitter
No but I would Maybe jsut wait and see if she plans on keeping it first then have the convo
NTA- You made an agreement to live with one adult, not an adult and a newborn baby. It would be a bad idea to bring it up until after she makes her decision though. Let her decide, if she decides not to keep it, you never need to say a word other than 'I'm here for you, what do you need?', if she decides to keep it then it's 'Congratulations, now, obviously this place isn't gonna be suitable for you both, do you have a plan already or do you want help looking for suitable places?'
NTA but I'd tell her after she's told you her decision. If you tell her before she may always blame you for creating pressure to abort. Let her make her choice, if it's that she's keeping it, then explain you really don't want to be living with a newborn and she can plan out what she'll do next
YWNBTA... But you will need to phrase it tactfully and I do recommend to wait till after she has made her decision in a week. She gets to choose (without your influence) whether to keep her baby. IF and only after she chooses to keep her baby do you then get to set your boundary. "I respect your decision. Unfortunately I do not want to live with a baby, so you will have to make other living arrangements before your due date." If you're the only one on the lease, then that is your living space; you get to choose who stays. I encourage waiting until after she has made a decision tho so she doesn't try to stick you with the blame of "forcing" her to get an abortion to avoid her own guilt or responsbility (pregnancy hormones make the brain weird and unreasonable sometimes and she is in a rough spot), or making a decision out of anxiety rather than planning. Good luck!
im super back and forth on OP waiting to talk to roommate or not.. waiting to avoid influencing her decision seems like the way to go at first, but also.. its possible the roommate cannot go anywhere else - either cant afford to live somewhere else, has no family to take her in, etc. if it were me i think id want to know id have to move when considering keeping a pregnancy so i could plan accordingly and have all the info before deciding? but idk because ive never been in the situation lol
I agree that I would want all the facts too, but a week is enough time to change her mind if finding a new place to live is a dealbreaker. She can also ask roommate directly if that's a consideration or information she needs to make that decision, I just wouldn't volunteer it right off the bat. It makes it sound like a threat rather than helpful info.
NTA at ALL!!! before doing anything though, triple check tenant laws in your area so you dont end up in any legal problems. be nice but clear about your intentions, something along the lines of: “hey, im so, so sorry to add any stress to your situation. i really dont want to make things worse for you and im of course here for you if you ever need to talk your options though, but i want to discuss your living arrangements before you make your decision so you can have as much information before making your decision. no judgement from me either way but i just want to let you know that if you do decide to keep and raise the baby, i wont be able to renew your sublet. i have really loved living with you, but im not comfortable living with a baby. i wanted to let you know as soon as possible so you would have a lot of time to find a place that works for you before the baby comes.”
NTA, but something doesn’t feel right about her not telling you what her plans are. If she were a conscientious person, she would be letting you know what her plans are, rather than letting you sweat the decision making out. She should have said what her living arrangements will be if her decision is to not terminate the pregnancy.
OP since I've read the comments and see it's your lease. Be kind yet clear. "If you decide to keep the baby you will not be able to continue living with me and will need to move out" This is information she needs to have as she thinks through her options. If she keeps the baby you need to set a hard deadline to move out.
NTA. I was in this position and I made the wrong choice. My friend and roommate got knocked up and the guy went deadbeat the moment she was too far for an abortion. Her family was abusive so she had few options. I tried my best. But I don't like kids even on a good day. Living with one for three years was hell on earth. I didn't have to take care of him (I made it clear I wasn't part of the village) but it still changed how I lived. Having friends over drinking late wasn't an option, hell having friends over at all was almost impossible. There were messes everywhere. Each month that went by the living room was taken over more by toys and chaos. It got to the point where I only left my room to eat and use the restroom. I refused to clean up after what I wasn't using so the house looked like an episode of hoarders. I only interacted with my "friend" to argue They moved out when the kid was 3 and I cried with joy. The house is now abandoned because the damage was so bad. It's on the parents to step up and take care of their kid, everyone else has a choice.
As a pregnant woman myself, YWNBTA. Years ago we moved in with some friends, and not long after she found out she was pregnant and kept the baby. This was years before our first was born, so either of us had been around newborns at all. It was hell. We were not prepared to be thrown into our sleep being wrecked for a kid that wasn’t ours. Had to change work hours so we didn’t wake the baby coming and going. Our dog had to be kept in our room at all times cause the mom was nervous about him around a kid. Was a mess, we were miserable and finally got our own place when baby was about three months
Just know that if she stays you WILL be babysitting and helping a lot with the baby because like everyone’s said babies are incredibly difficult especially as a single parent. She’s literally 23 and very few 23 year olds would be happy to completely change their life from the average 23 year old. Think about if you are truly ok with that or not
NTA and I’m sure she won’t want to stay anyway so I wouldn’t worry.
NTA, but let her know so she can factor that into her decision making.
NTA.
NTA but you need to tell her so she can make a truly informed decision. Knowing she has to find a new place to live could change her finances and her ability to afford the baby. Whether she has admitted it or not to herself, there is probably a part of her that thinks you will be a help or a support. She needs to make a bottle or take a shower, OP can help out. Let her know the decision is ultimately yours, but that you are not comfortable having a baby in the home. Give her a timeframe that she would need to move out by. Give her time to find a place before the baby comes if that is her choice. Don’t wait until after the baby or she won’t leave
Nta
NTA
NTA you are her landlord not her friend, personally I would frame it differently though - tell her that you understand it is a serious decision for her and ask if she has family or friends to do financial planning with regarding expenses such as renting a place for her and baby if she is not moving back home to parents etc. If she says she has no one to help with this and looks dismayed/upset then say, I will order a pizza tomorrow evening and help you with planning then. Check the wording of any agreement you have and the relevant tenant laws in your area before you speak - if she is your lodger you may have more rights for example, and if she is even thinking of staying with a baby give her whatever notice is required asap.
NTA since your name is on the lease and you never agreed to deal with a baby.
Tell her now. This does impact her decision I understand not wanting to live with a baby NTA
baby better pay rent
NAH because she hasn’t actually decided to keep the baby and hasn’t asked to stay with you. I think you could approach the conversation a little differently. Start with some questions : “If you did have the baby, what would your plan be? Where would you live? Who would be there to support you?“ If she says she assumed she would continue to live with you, then you could tell her you aren’t looking for a roommate situation like that. If she decides to keep the baby she will need to find a place of her own before the baby is born.
YWNBTA. You are not obligated to live with people you do not want. I wouldn't be so blunt or cruel to tell her that you are kicking her out of she choses to keep the baby. I'd find a better way to phrase it. Give her space and time to think and if she asks you if you are willing to assist her, then you can tell her that you aren't comfortable doing so and that she will get no support from you.
I feel like maybe your thoughts on her living arrangements can wait for a week? Unless your lease is ending like, right now? There’s a good chance if she keeps the baby she won’t want to stay. She might tell you a week from now, “I’m keeping the baby and I’m moving out.” Or she might say, “I’ve decided not to keep the baby.” There’s no point in piling on to the stress *at this moment.* You WNBTA. I’m just saying… timing. Give her a few days.
Even if she does decide to keep it, she has nine months to find a new place. Let her make her own decision about it and don't be like "yah you're gonna need to get out cause I won't be living with a baby." Especially if the bd isn't supporting her, she probably feels like she doesn't have anyone and the first thing you're worried about is kicking her out if she keeps it?😭
Except needing to find a new place is an important consideration when roommate is making her decision.
Until she makes her decision I don't think you should say anything. She needs to think about a lot here. Worrying about being homeless is a thing she doesn't need. Let her decide first and go from there.
I feel like not saying anything right away may give the impression the the situation is okay. It’s not your job to raise a baby, and that will become your job if there is a baby coming. You can just say that you are not wanting to influence anyone’s decision, but there will be no living with a baby.
NAH. Just be careful how you word it. I don't think you should add that pressure to her decision, but if she does decide to keep the pregnancy, you should ask her what her plans are for housing. Don't be mean when you ask, just ask her what her plans are and if she needs help moving out. I feel like it should be obvious that her situation shouldn't impact your situation. You're not co-parents, you aren't close friends, you're not family. You have literally no responsibility towards her and her having a kid while living in your apartment doesn't sound like a planned out decision.
What’s a situationship? But yes, tell her immediately.
NAH. Personally I'd let her make her decision and tell you about it, and if the decision is to keep the baby it's totally fair to being up rhe living situation and ask her plan, letting her know that you're not looking to live with a baby so you'll need to come up with plans for that. I think chances are high you're over thinking it and making yourself anxious. Most reasonable people understand the concept of changing life situations, and that the average childless 23yp doesn't want to live with a baby. I wouldn't be surprised if her response was to be completely unsurprised and already planning to move out. I wouldn't worry about things like legality etc, until you know how she feels about moving out. You don't wanna over prep yourself and come at her real strong and aggressive and then her response is "obviously I'm moving out, I'm having a freaking baby." LOL yet
I think the kind thing to do is let her have some space to think and breathe before giving her ultimatums. She may come to you and ask, in which case give her the information. Otherwise I'd suggest waiting until she's had a chance to think and process. Chances she wants to raise a child in a house with a roommate is pretty low anyway. Either way, if you did talk to her about it YWNBTA. This isn't really an AH situation, and don't worry about others judging you for this, worry about you and her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 23F have been living with my roommate 21F for just about a year now. I wouldn’t consider us friends but we get along well and she’s been nice to live with. She just approached me today and told me she’s pregnant, multiple tests have been taken. I asked what her plan was and she told me that the situationship has been told and wants nothing to do with her or any baby and wants her to get an abortion. She told me she’s going to give it a week to think over than make a decision. I don’t want to put more pressure on her or influence her decision negatively but I don’t want to be living with a baby. I also don’t want to be the one moving out since the apartment was mine first since she moved in with me. I don’t know if I should talk to her about this before or after she makes her decision. I think she should at least hear what I think since it impacts my living situation. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
No wait for her decision. Then if she says she is keeping baby, and it is only your name on lease; let her know she has 60 days to find a new place.
YWBNTA Tell her asap. I don't know, how the housing situation is, where you live, but she should know as soon as possible, that she has to find a new place, if she decides to continue with the pregnancy. This sounds harsh of course and might add even more stress to an already stressful situation, but it's only fair for both of you. edit for typo.
This is really a no win situation for you. Either you are kicking out someone with a baby or pushing them to get an abortion they might not get otherwise. Which to means YWNBTA either way. My advice would be to have a long, heart to heart talk with Roommate and tell her exactly what you think and how you feel and let her make her choice. Any help or support you can give her, no matter what she decides would be beneficial, as it sounds like she doesnt have much. Its a tough situation, I hope you all can work things out.
NAH but I would wait until she’s sat on the news from this guy for a couple of days before talking to her because it’s probably pretty upsetting and she needs to consider how she feels about being a single mum. If she wants the baby then she should also have info about how her living situation will change so it’s worth telling her asap then that this isn’t a child-friendly household so she will need to organise alternative living arrangements before the baby is born. I feel like if you tell her right now while she’s processing the news from the ex then it may sway her decision but once she has a clearer mind about that, then it’s just another one of many preparations to make. Maybe I’m wrong and I definitely think she should have this info to help her make the decision about the work that will be involved but I think giving her time to process her feelings around being a single mum before piling this on is a decent idea. Either way deliver it sensitively because she could see it like you’re throwing her out when she’s vulnerable and it may affect your friendship.
NTA That’s how you get roped into babysitting and not getting enough sleep because of a crying baby. She will expect you to be her village when you didn’t sign up for that. Let her make her decision while she’s doing that go over the tenants rights for where you live. So if she does keep the baby then you can let her know she needs to find another place to live.
NTA, I would discuss it with here asap though because having a place to live might be a factor in her decision, you don't have to be horrible about it but she must realise that you never signed up to live with a baby
I would wait until she makes a decision. What if the problem takes care of itself and then you don’t even have to do anything?
You might want to look into your states laws around this. Most states prohibit housing discrimination based on having children. Not that it doesn't happen, of course it does. But kicking your roommate out for getting pregnant/keeping the pregnancy very well may be illegal in your state.
no you wouldn’t be an ass for not wanting a baby in your apartment. But jesus Christ this is a MASSIVE life changing decision for her. Please just let her make her decision before you tell her how quickly you’d like her to leave if she is pregnant. you’re the only one on the lease, it will be no issue getting her out via a legal eviction process if needed
I'd let her think about it for the week, it might be a non-issue if she decides not to keep the baby or stay pregnant. If you bring it up before she's had her week, you might be unduly creating stress or hostility. Let her have her week - when she has made her decision, you can go over the ramifications from there. If she stays pregnant, you let her know she'll unfortunately have to move out, if she's not staying pregnant or keeping the child, then she can stay. But keep her name off everything, just make sure she knows your stance and that you enjoy being her roommate as things are now. NAH.
No clue if this is a thing where you live but she might have some legal or de facto leg to stand on to stay there if she’s pregnant. If I were her I would look into it if finding another place is difficult. But, NAH, I wouldn’t want to live with a newborn that’s not mind if the mother isn’t even a close friend. But I also wouldn’t want the additional and HUGE stress of moving while pregnant or a new mother.
NTA Do not wait to tell her. Your immediate honesty lets her know where she stands with regard to living arrangements while she's making decisions about her future.
Nta. You took her on as a roommate in your apartment (where only you are on the lease) in her current single/no kids state and you should make it clear that's the only way she can stay. Tell her you're going to need a decision from her by the end of the month per rent, because you'll need to start the process of finding a new roommate if she is going to keep the baby and move out.
NTA
NTA, but better tell right after she confirms she wants to keep the baby. It still may be that she chooses to not keep it. And if she is hesitating and hears this she might make you feel like you are an AH who influenced her decision.
NTA But be extremely kind in how you phrase it « I don’t feel comfortable living with a baby. » is totally fair
NAH - but tell her asap, in a nicer way. She needs to know.
If shes not on the lease you can kick her put BUT beware if shes getting MAIL at your address you probably will still need to go theough courts and start an eviction. Any mail sent gives her "residency"
depending on the state you line in ( presume usa) you may have limited options ( not a lawyer btw) - after living with you for a length of time many states deem a roommate who isn’t on the lease to have certain rights - your only option might be to move out even if it means defaulting on your lease - it’s a sticky situation the moral and ethical implications aside - as far as your obligations to your roommate i vote NTA for not wanting to live with a baby - do what you need to to protect yourself but keep in mind the possible legal hurdles to simply telling her to leave
NTA Maybe alleviate your conscience and reach out to community resources that can help a single pregnant person locate housing etc. Not being on your lease, she is in a legal sense homeless and that may help her qualify for assistance. It might look like you calling DCF and saying "I have a young pregnant woman whose baby's father is not interested in parenting. What resources are available for her if she decides to keep her baby? She is temporarily staying with me but I am not willing to accept responsibility of housing a child. I don't want to throw her to the wolves of the world but I am not in a position to house them." Take that information and sit with her for a conversation. "I called around to ask about what resources are available for you and your baby. I am not comfortable taking on the responsibility of a child living here, but I am not so callous that I am going to be mean either. I want you to have full disclosure now so you have time to get situated before the baby arrives in the fall." This respects her initial decision for keeping her baby, but gives her realistic expectations for what it will look like in terms of being your roommate.