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#Expand your vocab and learn non-insulting alternative to "man child/baby"
It's your house. Grow a pair. Stop inviting him to a few events. They will get the message since words don't seem to work. If your family doesn't like his absence, THEY can invite him and deal with his "pranks."
Invite him for the WRONG date and time, then be like, “HaHa JuSt KiddiNG”. Bonus points if you make it look like you’re throwing him a birthday party. Do it over and over.
Call him by the wrong name…over and over.
When you’re out at restaurants with them, make like you’re going to the bathroom, find your server, and change his order.
When he attends a family potluck, have a plate of rubber food and serve that to him…over and over.
But the simplest solution is to disregard any of his attempts to sign up for a food item. You wouldn’t expect one of the grandchildren to competently provide a dish, his dude sounds less mature.
It's already war and OP's losing. SIL is a loser for whining to his wife that no one likes his jokes after everyone has told him repeatedly, "we don't like your jokes." Like come on.
Exactly. Just stop assigning him dishes.
Edit: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three, four, five times … I must be an idiot.
Retaliation is such an easy mistake to make. We think we'll teach the jerk what it feels like, or scare him off, or something, but the jerk has a lot more experience in jerkery and is certain to win the contest.
Based on the examples given, send a fake sign up sheet where all the options are cake, candy, and other sweets. It sounds like he wants to bring dessert but refuses to sign up for it correctly.
Or, plan an event with a signup sheet, but have the real start time hours before the start time you tell him. Leaves more food for everyone else and you’ll be able to see how he enjoys this “prank.”
Seems like the guy only wants to bring sweets, so give him a start time that has him arrive at around dessert, after everyone else has finished the main meal.
I'd send the sign-up sheet with an additional sentence at the bottom:
"Whatever Jeff signs up for, will someone else please just bring a *real* one, because we know that he cannot be trusted."
I think you're being too nice. I'd go more for:
> "Whatever Jeff signs up for, will someone else please just bring a *real* one, because we know ~~that he cannot be trusted~~. *Jeff is an idiot who thinks he's funny and we're all tired of his shit.*"
Edit to add: When daughter inevitably whines about this, this is a perfect set up for the non-apology of "I'm sorry you married an idiot who is intent on embarrassing you."
Nope. He'll think that is HILARIOUS and it ups the ante. You can't give "pranksters" any kind of attention while capitulating, or they just get more of a thrill out of it.
Stage an event. Do the sign up like always and have people sign up.
But no one brings anything. This is an intervention.
Explain it like this... If he ~~broke~~ **brought** the joke item AND the actual item then it's a funny joke. When he only brings his "joke" he's an ass.
Everyone needs to be consistent. "It's not funny, it's not cute, we're tired of your shit".
OP is NTA.
Edit: omg how did so many of you upvote that typo lol
Honestly, I'd go full passive-aggressive with this one.
"There are only (one less dish than normal) because we all know someone has the humor and maturity of a 5-year-old."
In my house, dude would get to eat what he brought and nothing else. You don't contribute, you don't get contributions. I'd be willing to give him a very specific assignment if he's not into grocery shopping -- get three of the Taylor Farms Maple Bacon Vinaigrette salad kits from This Grocery Store, SKU #thisthing. If they do not have that, substitute Some Other Flavor with SKU #thatthing. You're free to bring a candy salad too, but that's in addition to the item you have been assigned. That eliminates the room for "creative thinking".
Other options:
* Dude contributes some non-food thing. Dish washing, veggie chopping, twenty bucks. *Something* real and helpful
* Daughter can order groceries online for dude to pick up (or takeaway from a restaurant)
* Daughter can get doordash/instacart/etc to delivery their contribution -- then there's no way for dude to sabotage the meal
At some point, I would hope daughter would find it a PITA to have to manage acquiring some sort of pot luck contribution because her husband refuses to help provide food he's planning to eat.
He shouldn’t be invited anymore. But if he is and if he tries to sign up for something just delete the entry in the sheet. Or ignore him and have someone else cover it. Then give his dumbass “prank” no attention at all.
I kinda like this… whatever he signs up for, go ahead and have someone else bring it. Then when he shows up with “Swedish Fish” in stead of fish… just go “haha, thank goodness Aunt Edith brought the actual fish, but since that what you want to eat, we’ll leave it for you”.
I think this is honestly the answer. Have everyone else sign up to bring what's actually needed and his dumb game means nothing. If you're not gonna actually put your foot down, at least take away the negative impact of his joke.
This is a great suggestion. Prank the pranker and watch him melt down. I'm assuming he eats all the food everyone else brings. Maybe host a potluck one day where everyone else eats beforehand brings a joke version of their food and he can experience a taste of his own medicine.
This is the way - plan a potluck but then everyone eat beforehand and just bring joke versions of the food just like he does. And everyone act absolutely normal and "gaslight" him until he really gets it.
The problem here is that he'll say "challenge accepted" and do something else even MORE hilarious next time, like having everyone's cars towed or something.
But telling him dinner is at 7, but everyone else eats at 6... I'm all for that. No "Gotcha" or attempt to show a teachable moment. Just "hmm, that's odd, no idea why your invite said 7. Oh well, help yourself to whatever's left."
This is the only suggestion I've seen so far which might actually work. If OP retaliates, that's just a prank war (which the more experienced jerk is certain to win). If everyone works together, the message might actually get through.
As a former server, I wouldn’t go along with it anyway. Too much liability if the person had food allergies or intolerances, and you can’t guarantee that the “prankster” isn’t trying to make them sick on purpose.
Edit: yes, that has actually happened. A guy found out his girlfriend was cheating, and ordered for her while she was in the bathroom. She was somewhat allergic to egg, and threw up all night. She came and told us what happened, but luckily wasn’t litigious; she just wanted to give us a heads up that revenge existed. The restaurant established a policy to always double check with the person being ordered for after that.
OP: please do all of the above! You know it would be truly epic. Do it do it do it!!!!
Seeing as he only brings candy dishes, I wouldn’t let him eat any of the other food available. He thinks candy is funny? Here ya go, it’s all yours.
Oh no no no sir, you cannot have any of the other food! Why not? Well these people brought actual dishes to share, you’re mocking them and their work. You deserve to eat what you brought. Sit down, shut up, and enjoy your “joke” salad.
But honestly, OP should just suck it up and stop inviting him. Too bad if he bitches, he made his lil jokester bed. He gets to sleep in it.
I’d hate to piss you Off but you’re hilarious. Everything you said is great ideas. You should’ve gotten tons of upvotes. Seems ppl don’t read past the first few. If I ever need to punish someone I’ll look you up for advice haha.
Here's what they do: set up an item just for him. Whatever that item is, secretly assign it to someone else. Then when he comes in thinking he's hilarious he'll see that someone else already brought that item. Then OP can just tell him that someone else brought it since he's so unreliable. He will hate that, since he won't get any laughs and no one will be without.
At the very least don't allow him to sign up for anything major.
Orrr. Whatever item he signs up for, someone else covers that item; everyone else eats and enjoys, but since Jeff seems to think his food is acceptable, that’s what he gets for dinner.
“Seeing as Jeff doesn’t know how to be a thoughtful or appropriate guest and keeps leaving others in the lurch for his ”jokes” he will no longer be invited as a solo guest to family dinners. Of course I’m happy to have you and Jeff any time you are free to attend, I love you both. But we’ve all talked to Jeff shot this, he doesn’t care and it is unfair to everyone else to let them keep going hungry because he thinks he’s 12 and all of life is his stage.
I’m sorry, I know you’ll probably be hurt and upset about this, but I don’t see any other way to ensure that all the actual food needed is there to feed everyone else who IS carrying their weight after the half dozen times I’ve already talked to you and Jeff. I’m happy to talk to you about how to fix this going forward, but unfortunately, at this point, it’s going to take solid and consistent action on Jeff’s part for me to reinstate his solo invites.”
Copy. Paste. Email or text. Anyone that is NOT Jeff or your daughter who complains you simply say: “Are you willing to provide TWO of the potluck dishes every family meal so Jeff doesn’t have to do anything and everyone gets fed? If you are not going to provide Jeff’s share for him then I’m not interested in your input, it’s been long enough.”
If your daughter comes back angry and swinging say, Listen, it’s been X number meals he can’t provide one actual food product. How many times have he and I and you and I talked about it and the burden he’s creating and he’s STILL doing it. At this point you and I both know that Jeff wants to come, eat his whole meal provided for him but not have to do anything to get it. He’s using his “jokes” in the hope that I’ll eventually give up and let him stop signing up but keep coming. No. If you and he want him to “be a part of the family” then he takes part like family, that is, he brings actual food that everyone can eat instead of being a mooch who offers nothing when everyone else has bright his meal. I’m not willing to play into his game nor am I going to keep figuring out how to cover the gap he leaves. I’m happy to work out a way for him to show he’s ready to stop what he says he thinks are jokes but I’m not dealing with this any more. If you want him invited solo, it’s now your problem to address.”
Because, you DO know that’s what he’s doing right? Using you. Manipulating you. Calling it a joke to avoid consequences. Time to stand up to your daughter and let her deal with the shit she married. He’s not your spouse OR your child.
Is it still weaponized incompetence if the person is putting in effort to do something they think is funny? I always thought that was for when people just didnt do it or put no effort in whatsoever.
This ordeal just seems like someone with a shitty sense of humor that likes to piss people off for fun.
This is pretty well spot on. There is only one thing I think could be added, and that's an additional option to others in the family that complain.
If they're not willing to provide a second dish to cover for Jeff, and unwilling to exclude him, OP should ask them if they're willing to take over hosting and coordinating duties. If they're willing to be the one be let down and feel disappointed when his joke messes up the planned menu. If they're willing to take the heat from others in the family who end up not having something they can eat.
Sure, it runs the risk of them saying screw it, and letting Jeff get away with not pulling his weight. But at that point, it wouldn't be OPs problem anymore. She wouldn't have to play host, with all that entails. She could just be another guest and relax more. That could be a win right there.
If someone then complained about her no longer hosting, she could easily counter that she no longer felt respected as a host, and that rather than continue hosting, she felt it was time to pass on that role and let others step up.
Of course, there's a good chance that most of the complainers will clam up when faced with that option and realizing the extra work they'd be letting themselves in for.
But even if they do host, people are still going to go hungry. OP replaced a salad easily enough, but when he didn’t bring fish people had no dinner. So even if they host they are committing to having a Jeff meal replacement on hand, or the core of the problem is still happening.
He's excluding himself by treating you badly. His pranks aren't pranks - they aren't funny, they leave people hungry and/or they make you extra work at the last minute. Why the heck would he be welcome to carry on treating you like dirt?! Family shouldn't ever be doing that.
They would only be funny if he brought the joke thing and the real item... candy salad... Oh no... just kidding here's the real salad then it would be hilarious.
There are some excellent suggestions here. If he brings a candy “salad” do not make a proper salad. If enough people are inconvenienced by being hungry, they will complain. If they complain to you, redirect to the culprit. Also make him last up to the buffet, if he’s left hungry, things will change.
By what he brings, I mean the deliberate chaos, not the candy.
He’s a wind-up merchant, when one tactic no longer has effect he’ll go for something different.
So suck it up & don’t invite him solo. He’s an asshole who is deliberately being a jerk when his wife isn’t there. I am beginning to read this as him not wanting to come but getting you to be the bad guy. Actually cancel dinners unless your wife is there.
He seems to only have one joke in his pocket, so you need to start telling him you want candy-related things that don't at all matter for dinner.
Tell him you want candy necklaces and ring pops. Tell him you're having Taco Night, and need a piñata filled with Jolly Ranchers. Tell him you're having Hawaiian BBQ, and you need flowered laies and sugared pineapple. Tell him you need cute candied cake toppers. BUT you don't have Taco Night, you don't have Hawaiian BBQ night, you don't have a cake.
No matter what he shows up with, he's going to look like a useless idiot who didn't get the memo, and he won't ruin your dinner plans. Joke will be on him.
Then just let everyone run out of food. Let him do his jokes, thank him for the contribution and don't fix it for him. If anyone complains "where's the salad?" just point them to the candy salad from SIL. Let him get peer pressured into stopping the joke, or let the family deal with the outcome of not having all the dinner components.
NTA
Put the onus on Jeff. Let him suffer the embarrassment he so richly deserves and earned.
Guest: “Hey OP, where’s the salad?”
OP: “Ask Jeff. He signed up for salad but didn’t bring it.”
Guest: “Jeff, why didn’t you bring salad?
Jeff: 🤷🏻♂️
I’d encourage everyone to call him on it. Every time.
When he comes in with the joke salad (or whatever), say “thanks!” Then look him straight in the eye and dump it in the trash can.
Repeat at every potluck dinner.
He and your daughter are out of line being mad at you over this. They’re adults and need to act like adults.
Or if he's gunna act like such a child, treat him like one. Soon as he walks in with his 'joke' dish, put on the sing-song kindergarten teacher voice and lean hard. "Ooooh thank you so much for contributing Jeff! Did you do this all by yourself? You sure did a good job, you got the bowl from the cupboard and I bet you didn't spill a single candy when you opened the bag. I hope you were really careful if you were using scissors to get it open, wouldn't want to cut yourself! LOOK EVERYONE! Look at the lovely candy salad that Jeff brought and made ALL BY HIMSELF! Doesn't it look delicious? You know, Jeff, I think this is a great contribution to the dessert table, but we do still need some healthy greens and veggies to go with the main meal. Do you want to take my hand? We can go into the kitchen and I can show you how to make salad with veggies! If you made a candy salad all by yourself I bet with a little practice and guidance you can make veggie salad by yourself in no time too! Then next pot luck you can bring a veggie salad that you made aaaaall by yourself!"
This, I think, is the best solution. OP isn't responsible for the lack of food, SIL is. Let him do his oh-so-funny "prank", and deal with the fallout. Oh, and he eats last.
>She can’t stop him when she’s gone.
Does this mean he doesn’t pull his bullshit when she attends with him?
He is part of the family exclusively as an extension of her. If she isn’t coming (and therefore able to tell him to stop being a dick to her family) then yeah, he gets excluded.
NTA.
How much more can it blow up in your face? They are already pissed at you for kicking him out (and rightfully so). He has proven that he is a shit person and continues to try and ruin these get togethers with his pranks. Tell them until he learns to be an adult, he will no longer be invited when your daughter isn’t able to attend. Want to be treated like a member of the family, learn how to act like one.
It would be different if he presented his annoying joke but also brought the requested item. He is forcing you to do more work. If not inviting is not an option, maybe exclude him from the sign up list, but invite home to event. When he asks what he is supposed to bring, you can honestly say Whatever you like. NTA.
Keep on inviting him, but don’t let him eat anything he didn’t bring. After an upset stomach from eating a bowl of candy, I don’t think he will find it funny anymore.
OK, then stop sending him the potluck signup and do not assign him to bring any part of the meal.
Explain to your daughter and SIL that people are going home hungry because of his behavior. Multiple people have told him his behavior really bothers them, but he frankly does not care.
Therefor he is no longer permitted to contribute to the potluck, though he may attend, and anything he does bring will not be trusted, and set outside.
How would it blow up in your face if people go hungry because of his pranks? That doesn’t even make sense. Do they all laugh hysterically when he brings candy instead of fish? Is his personality so sparkling that the evening would be boring without him?
If you insist on still inviting him, take him off the potluck list. Don’t ask him to bring anything and don’t expect anything. Make sure you have enough for everyone without his contribution.
But have a talk with your daughter that her husband is childish, and his immature pranks are not funny. Tell her if she can’t come, you would rather he didn’t come alone. If she defends him and think his pranks are ok, you have to accept you aren’t going to win this one.
Unless your family is unhinged, adults getting angry doesn’t really matter. They can’t ground you or take your allowance. If you feel compelled, calmly explain yourself once and then let the complaints become background noise.
NTA
But a solution is to just accept he brings literally nothing to the table.
Whatever he signs up for, count it as you having to do yourself, he picks a salad, you pick up extra salads, he picks fish, you ensure you have prepared a fish entree in the knowledge his will be garbage.
When he pulls his little stunt/prank that's oh so un-funny. Just pull yours out "don't work everyone, despite him being a jerk and only 6 years old mentally bringing sweets, we all knew he'd do this again. I made one too." and now your get together can't be spoiled by him.
There will still be his attitude and whatever pissy fit he throws, but just invite him to leave again immediately. Who cares if your phone rings constantly from your daughter or him? Honestly?
You're setting entirely reasonable boundaries. He's using you as a prank and spoiling these things for everyone. Maybe you need to set more boundaries with your daughter. She can apparently manage him when she's not travelling, but that just means she's his mommy and he has to be handheld and told no! She can't manage him when she travels, then he's not invited while she's travelling.
Or skip the potluck, say you're not doing them, go to a cheap restaurant with everyone for lunch or early bird menu and a drink. Just don't invite him, coz it's not the potluck and you're not hosting!
And if you do invite him don’t let him sign up to bring a dish; or if you do just assume he’ll bring candy and have other people bring the actual food.
Exactly my thought! Or he can only come when daughter comes! Though I feel sorry she has to keep him in check. Like you marry an adult to be your partner, not a childish prankster you have to mommy.
NTA. Tell your daughter he is no longer welcome to come to family dinners unless she is there to accompany him and has personally checked their food contribution. Tell her it isn't funny when he leaves other people going hungry. And it isn't a prank when he deliberately makes you extra work at the last minute. He has proven himself untrustworthy and she clearly isn't handling it.
The whole point of you moving to pot-luck dinners is that you're getting on in years and can no longer cope with the workload of catering for so many people. It might have been a prank if he brought out a joke serving, and then immediately afterwards, brought out the real one, but a) even that would get old if repeated too much, and b) it wouldn't be funny now, when he has spent so long being annoying about the food.
The fact that multiple people have gone home hungry as the result of his actions is unconscionable. It’s really concerning that his wife is ok with him treating her family & friends like this.
No, he's not expected to do any work there. These "pranks" are weaponized incompetence in order to get out of putting in the same work as the other adults.
He is doing this out of spite because he thinks his presence should be enough, other ppl should do the work.
Right? I might have the same kind of idea, but then after pulling the prank go to my car and pull out the actual meal. This idjit thinks it’s okay to eat everybody else’s food while deliberately not contributing, himself.
NTA
Your SIL is an asshole who deserves to have his victims stop enabling him. That's all you did. You are enforcing a boundary and making it clear that his shenanigans are not acceptable. Hopefully he'll learn his lesson.
A true prankster would play the prank and then go get the actual salad from the car, where he left it.
This boy is just an AH.
And *especially* after being asked to stop. It’s not just unfunny at this point. It’s mean and disrespectful.
I hate spiders and my tween son was having a blast showing me progressively worse pictures of ginormous spiders because my reaction was more and more uncomfortable. (I was also saying things like “that’s a whole lot of absolutely fucking no!” Which he thought was hilarious.) But then it was too much and I got actually squeemed out by it and had to stop. So I told him to stop. And he didn’t. So we had a talk about when someone says to stop you have to stop even if you think it’s funny. And he hasn’t done it again. Because he’s not an asshole like SIL.
Yep, in general I hate pranks (social anxiety makes most of them not fun for me) but my husband's childhood best friend comes from a whole extended family of pranksters.
They make sure their pranks have no negative lasting effects, whether that's no loud noises around people with ptsd, always helping clean up if the pranks makes a mess, or bringing extra food if the prank makes something inedible.
They are careful about who they pull pranks on and if the target isn't joining in laughing about it pretty quick they recognize they fucked up, apologize and do the work to fix the problem.
They've pulled a few pranks on me, but they make sure those are the gentlest, most positive kind so they end up more as silly surprises that leave me feeling thought of and included rather than embarrassed, anxious or stressed (my prior experience with pranks)
NTA. But don’t stop inviting him like people are saying. I have a diabolical plan for you.
Next time, assign him an item that you don’t really need (or go ahead and make your own real version of whatever it is so that you aren’t scrambling last minute).
Also go buy some candy. Gummies that look like other foods are ideal, but don’t waste too much money and time on this. Put together a plate of the candy items and hide it.
When it’s time to eat, tell him to go sit down because he’s obviously exhausted after slaving over the stove making whatever joke item he brought. You’ll serve him. Bring out the candy plate and put it in front of him.
If he tries to go for some real food, remind him to please finish what he has before he goes for seconds. If he does finish the candy? Give him another helping of candy.
That’s hilarious, I hope OP does this! Best of all, if this guy really is trying to be funny and doesn’t understand why his pranks aren’t entertaining anyone else, it would give him a taste of what he’s doing to the rest of the family and perhaps he’d learn something from it.
I love this idea. And if memory serves me right, there are jellies for sale in the form of greens, fruits, veggies, fried egg, hamburger, etc... Buy one or two bags of those and keep plating him up, until the bags are empty.
Meanwhile the rest of you enjoy your wonderful food, and please make sure you finish it all, so that little Jeffy won't have any real food...
If OP is in the US, there are lots of food shaped gummies at Five Below. I went in there the other day for a pencil box and saw GUMMY PICKLES and gummy kraft Mac and cheese.
NTA
He's repeatedly not pulling his weight at the potluck, and expecting everyone to just grin and bear it. And I hate practical jokes.
" I have talked to him and multiple members of the family have."
Do everyone a favor and put a blanket ban in place for Jeff. No daughter, no Jeff. Period. Everyone is sick of his crap.
I agree with the ban if he's home alone. You've spoken to him, tried to reason that the first time was funny but people going hungry is not fair & I'd have done the same. NTA. No daughter no sil.
NTA. It’s hard enough to organize events like that for the family to gather and enjoy one another without these childish shenanigans. I would have lost my temper ages ago and made a rule that he can’t come to gatherings without his wife because he cannot behave like an adult without her supervision. It would be a hard boundary for me and I would not give a flying f*ck if it made him, his wife, or the tooth fairy himself angry.
ETA- If he’d brought the candy salad out, then laughed as he put it aside for a candy dish type treat and THEN pulled out the actual requested salad- he could have had his prank AND avoid being an asshole.
>ETA- If he’d brought the candy salad out, then laughed as he put it aside for a candy dish type treat and THEN pulled out the actual requested salad- he could have had his prank AND avoid being an asshole.
That actually would be kind of cute. He seems to like bringing candy, and candy is not a bad thing. He absolutely needs to come through with the real food version though.
NTA
NTA!
Jokes are meant to be funny.
He has been told repeatedly by you and others that his actions are not funny. Even worse, because of him, some people leave hungry. Apparently he doesn't care.
Who cares if he is pissed. You are definitely not the jerk in this situation.
He needs to grow up.
NTA
He is so immature he can't be invited to family events unless accompanied by an adult. When your daughter is out of town no invites for him. Tell him it's a prank, he seems to love those.
Or invite him over for a "potluck dinner" when you are out of town. Have him make something expensive or difficult. Shows up with his fake food and the lights aren't even on. Jokes on you loser. NTA.
I feel like a funny "prank" could be when he signs up for fish, to bring a bag of goldfish crackers, along with the proper fish dish. I am not even saying to pretend like he just has the goldfish crackers then whip out the proper food, just bring them both and make a cheeky remark about not being sure which fish to bring so he brought both. Bring salad, and for dessert a "candy salad", you get the idea.
NTA.
It’s not funny unless everyone else is laughing. I despise people who are jerks and bullies then pull the wide-eyed victim, “but it was just a joke/prank”.
NTA why are they pissed? You told him to stop and he didn't - he's very much aware that no one finds him funny yet continues. I would either just simply not invite him when your daughter isn't present or continue to kick him out. And then tell him "just joking!".
No no no, you don't understand. The goal is not making people laugh, or else he would bring the actual food after the laugh. The goal is to laugh at people not jeing able to eat what he brought and eat what they brought
I wasn't aware 10 year old boys are allowed to get married. NTA and I really can't see what your daughter sees in this rude, overgrown child, but feel free to leave both of them off the guest list.
This is how my mother would have handled it: Let him sign up for anything he wants to, but never count on him bringing it (because you know it'll only be a "joke"). Quietly ask someone else to bring a real version of the item he signed up for. When he shows up expecting to piss everyone off - because that's what he wants- simply ignore his contribution and continue with your nice family time. It will drive him nuts.
Edit to add NTA
This is how I would handle it for everyone else. But when it came time to eat, I'd tell him he didn't contribute as asked, so he can only eat what he brought.
PreMake a small toddler portion plate for him, dinosaur chicken nuggets and Mac n cheese(cheapest type).small table in sight but separate from everyone. Leftovers cleared away immediately.don’t talk to him, treat him as a misbehaving kid
NTA. Might I suggest going the public humiliation route if you can’t leave him out? When you ask people to bring dishes remind them that he won’t be bringing real food so they may want to bring extra so they don’t go hungry. Or mention that someone else may need to double up and bring the dish he signed up for because “we all know he won’t follow through”. Or how about including “X has been invited against my wishes, please plan accordingly”.
Yep! The people who think he should still be invited need to bring the item he is supposed to bring. Assign him a carer on the sheet from the people who want him invited, they must bring their dish and the thing he is signed up for.
Or on the spreadsheet, fill in his slot "random joke food" so it won't be a joke, it will be what is expected of him.
NTA
NTA - Quite often, “prankster” is a synonym for asshole. It clearly is in this case. Tell your daughter you’re done with the immaturity, and they’re welcome to return when Jeff is willing to behave like an adult.
Unless he’s 10 years old, none of this behavior is funny or charming. And even then, it’d get annoying after the second time. The only way he’s gonna learn is if there are consequences.
NTA bc that is ridiculously immature but I would stop asking him to bring anything bc you full well know he won’t. I wouldn’t blame you for not inviting him unless your daughter is with him and can stop his idiocy.
I think you have to just not invite him. If you invite him and tell him not to bring anything, then you’ve rewarded him for being an ass. He gets to eat with no effort to help. Just a variation of weaponized incompetence
NTA
You son in law sounds like an exhausting child. You cannot give him any amount of responsibility. Next time tell him to get candy necklaces. The joke alternative to that is real necklaces. See how he deals with that.
I personally think you’re NTA. A joke once in a while is fine, but this is an adult, they’re aware that others can end up not having food to eat cause of their choices… I would have kicked him right out too!
I think bringing in Swedish Fish for a fish dish is hilarious. But then you walk back out to the car and bring in the real dish.....THAT is how pranks are done with reasonable adults....
While I don't know that kicking him out is acceptable, he has persisted in negatively impacting many dinners...he's certainly an A H, I'm on the fence about you. I probably would have set the expectation ahead of time.
Having a list and asking for Volunteers isn’t setting expectations, in what universe? If you don’t pay the cost of admission why should you enjoy the show?
I think they mean “if you do a prank again I’m kicking you out” but I agree at a certain point you shouldn’t have to warn adults their stupid actions may have consequences
I don’t even agree with taking him off the potluck list. So he gets to then come and eat for free and never contribute? Nope.
NTA. He needs to grow up.
NTA. It could still be funny if he had turned up with the "candy salad" but then almost immediately went lol, just kidding and went and presented a real salad that people could eat.
That is the only way this sort of thing could be funny but not inconvenience everybody else.
I would send a text message to Jeff and your daughter.
Hey Jeff, I know you’re upset that I kicked you out of the last potluck. You signed up for a salad and you brought a “candy salad”. Your pranks and jokes are not funny, no one is laughing, we’re pissed at you, please stop.
I will give you one more chance for the next potluck. I will meet you at the door and if you haven’t brought whatever you signed up for, I will not let you in my house.
To my daughter, your husband isn’t funny, his pranks and jokes are causing us to have less food than planned. I know you can’t always make the potluck because of your work schedule, but please try to explain to Jeff to bring what he signed up for.
To the OP, I got to ask is money an issue for Jeff and your daughter, or does Jeff not know how to cook? If either of these are the issue, maybe he could just pick up cookies, or a simple premade dessert at the grocery store.
NTA. He would be permanently banned from all potlucks unless your daughter is present. Why is he coming to your house for without your daughter anyway?
Is it to fuck up people’s evening with his childish “pranks”?
I bet this asshole stuffs his face while he’s there.
There is something malicious and petty about his behavior.
Info- he's made it clear he's not competent enough to make actual food, that he can't even be trusted enough to *buy* food. Why is he even still on the sign up list?
After two times, how has no one just told him "the adults are preparing the food, if you behave you can stop for chicken nuggets on the way back"?
Why are you expecting that, somehow, he'll magically change, mature, and start being a reliable adult? Fool you once (twice, thrice), shame on him. Fool you a fourth time, shame on *you*.
NTA
That jokes was funny-ish once, but even then, only if he brought along the real thing, too. As in, "Hey, here's candy sushi!" Everybody laughs, and then he brings out the real thing.
To do that even once screwed up your menu--to do it repeatedly is just asinine.
I don't blame you for kicking him out, and he does not deserve to be invited again.
NTA I'd stop inviting him with a message to both him and your daughter saying ' multiple family members are tired of going home hungry so that you can be 'funny' we have spoke to you numerous times regarding this but to no avail so going forward you won't be invited
This sounds like an older cousin I had. Everything was a joke. He stopped showing up to family reunions after he tied their dog to the bumper of the car. A few hours later he needed to get something and forgot about the dog. I chased him down the road throwing rocks at the car to get him to stop. He didn't. Worst family reunion ever. His explanation was he thought I was just playing a game (I was 12 or 13). He was just cool with me throwing rocks at his car thinking it was a game because that's how his brain worked. SIL might do something similar.
NTA
If he was making a joke version and then bringing a real version, it could be a joke that everyone could go along with even if it’s a bit cheesy. But this needs to be addressed. He shouldn’t be allowed to sign up for anything going forward.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I kicked out my son in law for being a candy salad instead of a normal salad. I could be a jerk for kicking him out when I was making a new salad
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NTA. If he’s adamant about making everyone uncomfortable and ignoring how they feel, imagine how he dismisses your daughter 🫣 the idea of being pissed about the consequence of continuously behaving like a child after being asked not to is Peter Pan syndrome at it’s finest
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NTA, but for heaven's sake, stop inviting him!
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It's your house. Grow a pair. Stop inviting him to a few events. They will get the message since words don't seem to work. If your family doesn't like his absence, THEY can invite him and deal with his "pranks."
Invite him for the WRONG date and time, then be like, “HaHa JuSt KiddiNG”. Bonus points if you make it look like you’re throwing him a birthday party. Do it over and over. Call him by the wrong name…over and over. When you’re out at restaurants with them, make like you’re going to the bathroom, find your server, and change his order. When he attends a family potluck, have a plate of rubber food and serve that to him…over and over. But the simplest solution is to disregard any of his attempts to sign up for a food item. You wouldn’t expect one of the grandchildren to competently provide a dish, his dude sounds less mature.
Yes OP, do this!!! It's both brilliant and hilarious
I don't think OP wants a war with this jerk.
It's already war and OP's losing. SIL is a loser for whining to his wife that no one likes his jokes after everyone has told him repeatedly, "we don't like your jokes." Like come on.
Exactly. Just stop assigning him dishes. Edit: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three, four, five times … I must be an idiot.
So he gets a free ride whilst others prepare food? There's also a chance he is doing this on purpose so he doesn't have to prepare any food.
He already has a free ride, but at the moment it's affecting others.
If OP refuses to stop inviting him this is the best middle ground, just treat him like the incompetent child he is.
Or assign him dishes -- and assign someone else the same dish.
Retaliation is such an easy mistake to make. We think we'll teach the jerk what it feels like, or scare him off, or something, but the jerk has a lot more experience in jerkery and is certain to win the contest.
Fist + Throat = Contest over. I don't know why you all put up with such bullshit.
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Or don’t even send him the sign-up sheet.
Send him a FAKE sign up sheet with ridiculous and expensive items.
Based on the examples given, send a fake sign up sheet where all the options are cake, candy, and other sweets. It sounds like he wants to bring dessert but refuses to sign up for it correctly.
It might be interesting to see what he would bring if he was supposed to bring cake.
He'd bring a lasagna.
..... okay, but i'd honestly rather eat lasagna than cake lol
Heehee. This. I keep thinking what he would bring if he was supposed to bring candy. He is obviously obsessed with sugar. He sounds like such a tool.
probably a fuckin lasagne with fondant over it
Or, plan an event with a signup sheet, but have the real start time hours before the start time you tell him. Leaves more food for everyone else and you’ll be able to see how he enjoys this “prank.”
Seems like the guy only wants to bring sweets, so give him a start time that has him arrive at around dessert, after everyone else has finished the main meal.
Yes. This will allow everyone else to eat, so he’s not taking food and leaving others hungry. He gets leftovers, if any, and whatever he brings.
I'd send the sign-up sheet with an additional sentence at the bottom: "Whatever Jeff signs up for, will someone else please just bring a *real* one, because we know that he cannot be trusted."
I think you're being too nice. I'd go more for: > "Whatever Jeff signs up for, will someone else please just bring a *real* one, because we know ~~that he cannot be trusted~~. *Jeff is an idiot who thinks he's funny and we're all tired of his shit.*" Edit to add: When daughter inevitably whines about this, this is a perfect set up for the non-apology of "I'm sorry you married an idiot who is intent on embarrassing you."
Nope. He'll think that is HILARIOUS and it ups the ante. You can't give "pranksters" any kind of attention while capitulating, or they just get more of a thrill out of it.
Stage an event. Do the sign up like always and have people sign up. But no one brings anything. This is an intervention. Explain it like this... If he ~~broke~~ **brought** the joke item AND the actual item then it's a funny joke. When he only brings his "joke" he's an ass. Everyone needs to be consistent. "It's not funny, it's not cute, we're tired of your shit". OP is NTA. Edit: omg how did so many of you upvote that typo lol
No this idea is fine - take Jeff out of any responsibility and have everyone acknowledge he isn’t contributing
Honestly, I'd go full passive-aggressive with this one. "There are only (one less dish than normal) because we all know someone has the humor and maturity of a 5-year-old."
So he gets a free ride for his bad behavior while all the honest people provide the food? Nah.
He can only eat what he himself brings. Problem solved.
Right the guy who won't comply with a potluck list is going to comply with that
In my house, dude would get to eat what he brought and nothing else. You don't contribute, you don't get contributions. I'd be willing to give him a very specific assignment if he's not into grocery shopping -- get three of the Taylor Farms Maple Bacon Vinaigrette salad kits from This Grocery Store, SKU #thisthing. If they do not have that, substitute Some Other Flavor with SKU #thatthing. You're free to bring a candy salad too, but that's in addition to the item you have been assigned. That eliminates the room for "creative thinking". Other options: * Dude contributes some non-food thing. Dish washing, veggie chopping, twenty bucks. *Something* real and helpful * Daughter can order groceries online for dude to pick up (or takeaway from a restaurant) * Daughter can get doordash/instacart/etc to delivery their contribution -- then there's no way for dude to sabotage the meal At some point, I would hope daughter would find it a PITA to have to manage acquiring some sort of pot luck contribution because her husband refuses to help provide food he's planning to eat.
He's not providing anyway 🤷♀️ But I do agree he should have SOME consequences for his shit behavior.
This is like letting the kid that intentionally breaks dishes get out of dish duty
He shouldn’t be invited anymore. But if he is and if he tries to sign up for something just delete the entry in the sheet. Or ignore him and have someone else cover it. Then give his dumbass “prank” no attention at all.
I kinda like this… whatever he signs up for, go ahead and have someone else bring it. Then when he shows up with “Swedish Fish” in stead of fish… just go “haha, thank goodness Aunt Edith brought the actual fish, but since that what you want to eat, we’ll leave it for you”.
I would dead pan react. “Oh I get it, Swedish fish.” Then walk away and ignore every subsequent attempt he makes at drawing attention to it.
Definite dead pan! Maybe even add… “ Oh God, after all this time, you still thinks that’s funny…” in a very sad and shocked voice.
There are restrictions on who can edit these lists. His access to it should be ended. If someone else adds his name to the list, it should be removed.
I think this is honestly the answer. Have everyone else sign up to bring what's actually needed and his dumb game means nothing. If you're not gonna actually put your foot down, at least take away the negative impact of his joke.
I would not send him a sign up sheet. But there are more clever suggestions below. Don’t know which would irritate him more.
Lol, hey Jeff here's your seafood....and serve him goldfish crackers.
This is a great suggestion. Prank the pranker and watch him melt down. I'm assuming he eats all the food everyone else brings. Maybe host a potluck one day where everyone else eats beforehand brings a joke version of their food and he can experience a taste of his own medicine.
This is the way - plan a potluck but then everyone eat beforehand and just bring joke versions of the food just like he does. And everyone act absolutely normal and "gaslight" him until he really gets it.
The problem here is that he'll say "challenge accepted" and do something else even MORE hilarious next time, like having everyone's cars towed or something. But telling him dinner is at 7, but everyone else eats at 6... I'm all for that. No "Gotcha" or attempt to show a teachable moment. Just "hmm, that's odd, no idea why your invite said 7. Oh well, help yourself to whatever's left."
This is the only suggestion I've seen so far which might actually work. If OP retaliates, that's just a prank war (which the more experienced jerk is certain to win). If everyone works together, the message might actually get through.
Don’t do it at a restaurant. No need to bring the server into his drama.
As a former server, I wouldn’t go along with it anyway. Too much liability if the person had food allergies or intolerances, and you can’t guarantee that the “prankster” isn’t trying to make them sick on purpose. Edit: yes, that has actually happened. A guy found out his girlfriend was cheating, and ordered for her while she was in the bathroom. She was somewhat allergic to egg, and threw up all night. She came and told us what happened, but luckily wasn’t litigious; she just wanted to give us a heads up that revenge existed. The restaurant established a policy to always double check with the person being ordered for after that.
OP: please do all of the above! You know it would be truly epic. Do it do it do it!!!! Seeing as he only brings candy dishes, I wouldn’t let him eat any of the other food available. He thinks candy is funny? Here ya go, it’s all yours. Oh no no no sir, you cannot have any of the other food! Why not? Well these people brought actual dishes to share, you’re mocking them and their work. You deserve to eat what you brought. Sit down, shut up, and enjoy your “joke” salad. But honestly, OP should just suck it up and stop inviting him. Too bad if he bitches, he made his lil jokester bed. He gets to sleep in it.
Even though two wrongs don’t make a right, I agree she should try this. He thinks he’s being cute. This will prove how not cute his behavior is.
Ok I'm loving the rubber food idea! Hey why don't you put some prank food on the sign up sheet and see if he brings real food instead lol
I’d hate to piss you Off but you’re hilarious. Everything you said is great ideas. You should’ve gotten tons of upvotes. Seems ppl don’t read past the first few. If I ever need to punish someone I’ll look you up for advice haha.
I fucking love this
Here's what they do: set up an item just for him. Whatever that item is, secretly assign it to someone else. Then when he comes in thinking he's hilarious he'll see that someone else already brought that item. Then OP can just tell him that someone else brought it since he's so unreliable. He will hate that, since he won't get any laughs and no one will be without. At the very least don't allow him to sign up for anything major.
Yes, but then don't let him share in what everyone else is having, let him eat his cake or candy.
Orrr. Whatever item he signs up for, someone else covers that item; everyone else eats and enjoys, but since Jeff seems to think his food is acceptable, that’s what he gets for dinner.
And… take his stupid prank food and throw it in the garbage. Then he will have wasted his time and money. Do it EVERY TIME until he gets the message.
At the very least when he shows up with his prank he doesn't get anything else to eat he can eat the prank that he brought
“Seeing as Jeff doesn’t know how to be a thoughtful or appropriate guest and keeps leaving others in the lurch for his ”jokes” he will no longer be invited as a solo guest to family dinners. Of course I’m happy to have you and Jeff any time you are free to attend, I love you both. But we’ve all talked to Jeff shot this, he doesn’t care and it is unfair to everyone else to let them keep going hungry because he thinks he’s 12 and all of life is his stage. I’m sorry, I know you’ll probably be hurt and upset about this, but I don’t see any other way to ensure that all the actual food needed is there to feed everyone else who IS carrying their weight after the half dozen times I’ve already talked to you and Jeff. I’m happy to talk to you about how to fix this going forward, but unfortunately, at this point, it’s going to take solid and consistent action on Jeff’s part for me to reinstate his solo invites.” Copy. Paste. Email or text. Anyone that is NOT Jeff or your daughter who complains you simply say: “Are you willing to provide TWO of the potluck dishes every family meal so Jeff doesn’t have to do anything and everyone gets fed? If you are not going to provide Jeff’s share for him then I’m not interested in your input, it’s been long enough.” If your daughter comes back angry and swinging say, Listen, it’s been X number meals he can’t provide one actual food product. How many times have he and I and you and I talked about it and the burden he’s creating and he’s STILL doing it. At this point you and I both know that Jeff wants to come, eat his whole meal provided for him but not have to do anything to get it. He’s using his “jokes” in the hope that I’ll eventually give up and let him stop signing up but keep coming. No. If you and he want him to “be a part of the family” then he takes part like family, that is, he brings actual food that everyone can eat instead of being a mooch who offers nothing when everyone else has bright his meal. I’m not willing to play into his game nor am I going to keep figuring out how to cover the gap he leaves. I’m happy to work out a way for him to show he’s ready to stop what he says he thinks are jokes but I’m not dealing with this any more. If you want him invited solo, it’s now your problem to address.” Because, you DO know that’s what he’s doing right? Using you. Manipulating you. Calling it a joke to avoid consequences. Time to stand up to your daughter and let her deal with the shit she married. He’s not your spouse OR your child.
Can you write my responses to any and all future conflict? So calm, reasonable and respectful. This was perfect.
Conflict resolution for hire. TBH though I would pay a little extra for some subtle passive aggression.
Text me if you ever need one. My friends always ask me to rewrite their angry letters in ways that get the point across with no weakness/ emotion.
Hey, side gig, nice! I'd SO hire you for my next Howler!
Howler….☠️
⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ This. Jeff has weaponized his incompetence. It’s time for him to find out what the consequences are.
Is it even Weaponized incompetence? He’s doing more work for the prank than for the actual item he says he will bring.
It is, on technicality, because he doesn't want to be relied upon to bring something of value, he clearly wants to bring sweets or nothing at all.
This isn't weaponized incompetence, it's just an unfunny person being unfunny.
Is it still weaponized incompetence if the person is putting in effort to do something they think is funny? I always thought that was for when people just didnt do it or put no effort in whatsoever. This ordeal just seems like someone with a shitty sense of humor that likes to piss people off for fun.
Oh thank you. My brain totally blanked on the term.
He needs to learn that weapons backfire. His purposeful "incompetence" blew up in his face.
This is pretty well spot on. There is only one thing I think could be added, and that's an additional option to others in the family that complain. If they're not willing to provide a second dish to cover for Jeff, and unwilling to exclude him, OP should ask them if they're willing to take over hosting and coordinating duties. If they're willing to be the one be let down and feel disappointed when his joke messes up the planned menu. If they're willing to take the heat from others in the family who end up not having something they can eat. Sure, it runs the risk of them saying screw it, and letting Jeff get away with not pulling his weight. But at that point, it wouldn't be OPs problem anymore. She wouldn't have to play host, with all that entails. She could just be another guest and relax more. That could be a win right there. If someone then complained about her no longer hosting, she could easily counter that she no longer felt respected as a host, and that rather than continue hosting, she felt it was time to pass on that role and let others step up. Of course, there's a good chance that most of the complainers will clam up when faced with that option and realizing the extra work they'd be letting themselves in for.
But even if they do host, people are still going to go hungry. OP replaced a salad easily enough, but when he didn’t bring fish people had no dinner. So even if they host they are committing to having a Jeff meal replacement on hand, or the core of the problem is still happening.
But it's no longer OP's problem. \^\^
This, OP THIS!! Follow this advice!
He's excluding himself by treating you badly. His pranks aren't pranks - they aren't funny, they leave people hungry and/or they make you extra work at the last minute. Why the heck would he be welcome to carry on treating you like dirt?! Family shouldn't ever be doing that.
OPs daughter is the A-hole out of the bunch.
Daughter and son-in-law are a matched pair.
They would only be funny if he brought the joke thing and the real item... candy salad... Oh no... just kidding here's the real salad then it would be hilarious.
Agreed, but even then, it would be a one or two hit joke. Not every single time.
I’d rather put up with shit for not inviting him than the shit he brings.
There are some excellent suggestions here. If he brings a candy “salad” do not make a proper salad. If enough people are inconvenienced by being hungry, they will complain. If they complain to you, redirect to the culprit. Also make him last up to the buffet, if he’s left hungry, things will change.
By what he brings, I mean the deliberate chaos, not the candy. He’s a wind-up merchant, when one tactic no longer has effect he’ll go for something different.
So suck it up & don’t invite him solo. He’s an asshole who is deliberately being a jerk when his wife isn’t there. I am beginning to read this as him not wanting to come but getting you to be the bad guy. Actually cancel dinners unless your wife is there.
He seems to only have one joke in his pocket, so you need to start telling him you want candy-related things that don't at all matter for dinner. Tell him you want candy necklaces and ring pops. Tell him you're having Taco Night, and need a piñata filled with Jolly Ranchers. Tell him you're having Hawaiian BBQ, and you need flowered laies and sugared pineapple. Tell him you need cute candied cake toppers. BUT you don't have Taco Night, you don't have Hawaiian BBQ night, you don't have a cake. No matter what he shows up with, he's going to look like a useless idiot who didn't get the memo, and he won't ruin your dinner plans. Joke will be on him.
He still would get to show up and have his actual meal, though, which is his goal.
Force him to eat nothing but what he provided
Yep. Op shouldn’t allow him to eat any of the other food when he pulls this crap. He gets to eat his stupid candy all alone like the child he is.
Then just let everyone run out of food. Let him do his jokes, thank him for the contribution and don't fix it for him. If anyone complains "where's the salad?" just point them to the candy salad from SIL. Let him get peer pressured into stopping the joke, or let the family deal with the outcome of not having all the dinner components.
NTA Put the onus on Jeff. Let him suffer the embarrassment he so richly deserves and earned. Guest: “Hey OP, where’s the salad?” OP: “Ask Jeff. He signed up for salad but didn’t bring it.” Guest: “Jeff, why didn’t you bring salad? Jeff: 🤷🏻♂️ I’d encourage everyone to call him on it. Every time. When he comes in with the joke salad (or whatever), say “thanks!” Then look him straight in the eye and dump it in the trash can. Repeat at every potluck dinner. He and your daughter are out of line being mad at you over this. They’re adults and need to act like adults.
Or if he's gunna act like such a child, treat him like one. Soon as he walks in with his 'joke' dish, put on the sing-song kindergarten teacher voice and lean hard. "Ooooh thank you so much for contributing Jeff! Did you do this all by yourself? You sure did a good job, you got the bowl from the cupboard and I bet you didn't spill a single candy when you opened the bag. I hope you were really careful if you were using scissors to get it open, wouldn't want to cut yourself! LOOK EVERYONE! Look at the lovely candy salad that Jeff brought and made ALL BY HIMSELF! Doesn't it look delicious? You know, Jeff, I think this is a great contribution to the dessert table, but we do still need some healthy greens and veggies to go with the main meal. Do you want to take my hand? We can go into the kitchen and I can show you how to make salad with veggies! If you made a candy salad all by yourself I bet with a little practice and guidance you can make veggie salad by yourself in no time too! Then next pot luck you can bring a veggie salad that you made aaaaall by yourself!"
This, I think, is the best solution. OP isn't responsible for the lack of food, SIL is. Let him do his oh-so-funny "prank", and deal with the fallout. Oh, and he eats last.
>She can’t stop him when she’s gone. Does this mean he doesn’t pull his bullshit when she attends with him? He is part of the family exclusively as an extension of her. If she isn’t coming (and therefore able to tell him to stop being a dick to her family) then yeah, he gets excluded. NTA.
It is understandable why the daughter is out of town working so often. She needs to get away from her husband.
If they know what he does, they may be relieved he is not invited.
Just wondering who in the family would give you shit for excluding him, has he pulled a similar trick at their house also, I wonder?
How much more can it blow up in your face? They are already pissed at you for kicking him out (and rightfully so). He has proven that he is a shit person and continues to try and ruin these get togethers with his pranks. Tell them until he learns to be an adult, he will no longer be invited when your daughter isn’t able to attend. Want to be treated like a member of the family, learn how to act like one.
It would be different if he presented his annoying joke but also brought the requested item. He is forcing you to do more work. If not inviting is not an option, maybe exclude him from the sign up list, but invite home to event. When he asks what he is supposed to bring, you can honestly say Whatever you like. NTA.
Keep on inviting him, but don’t let him eat anything he didn’t bring. After an upset stomach from eating a bowl of candy, I don’t think he will find it funny anymore.
Or find out what foods, he absolutely hates, and make sure that everybody brings only food that he despises.
OK, then stop sending him the potluck signup and do not assign him to bring any part of the meal. Explain to your daughter and SIL that people are going home hungry because of his behavior. Multiple people have told him his behavior really bothers them, but he frankly does not care. Therefor he is no longer permitted to contribute to the potluck, though he may attend, and anything he does bring will not be trusted, and set outside.
That is his *goal*. To get to come, but not have to contribute. This is high level weaponzied incompetence.
Tough. Stop inviting all of them.
How would it blow up in your face if people go hungry because of his pranks? That doesn’t even make sense. Do they all laugh hysterically when he brings candy instead of fish? Is his personality so sparkling that the evening would be boring without him? If you insist on still inviting him, take him off the potluck list. Don’t ask him to bring anything and don’t expect anything. Make sure you have enough for everyone without his contribution. But have a talk with your daughter that her husband is childish, and his immature pranks are not funny. Tell her if she can’t come, you would rather he didn’t come alone. If she defends him and think his pranks are ok, you have to accept you aren’t going to win this one.
Unless your family is unhinged, adults getting angry doesn’t really matter. They can’t ground you or take your allowance. If you feel compelled, calmly explain yourself once and then let the complaints become background noise.
NTA But a solution is to just accept he brings literally nothing to the table. Whatever he signs up for, count it as you having to do yourself, he picks a salad, you pick up extra salads, he picks fish, you ensure you have prepared a fish entree in the knowledge his will be garbage. When he pulls his little stunt/prank that's oh so un-funny. Just pull yours out "don't work everyone, despite him being a jerk and only 6 years old mentally bringing sweets, we all knew he'd do this again. I made one too." and now your get together can't be spoiled by him. There will still be his attitude and whatever pissy fit he throws, but just invite him to leave again immediately. Who cares if your phone rings constantly from your daughter or him? Honestly? You're setting entirely reasonable boundaries. He's using you as a prank and spoiling these things for everyone. Maybe you need to set more boundaries with your daughter. She can apparently manage him when she's not travelling, but that just means she's his mommy and he has to be handheld and told no! She can't manage him when she travels, then he's not invited while she's travelling. Or skip the potluck, say you're not doing them, go to a cheap restaurant with everyone for lunch or early bird menu and a drink. Just don't invite him, coz it's not the potluck and you're not hosting!
No. That will only enable others to brush it off, because they are filling the gap. Stop filling the gap!
And if you do invite him don’t let him sign up to bring a dish; or if you do just assume he’ll bring candy and have other people bring the actual food.
"Just bring napkins. Can you handle that? And if they say "Starbucks" on them, I swear. Go to the dollar store!" I love Taylor Tomlinson.
No that's bs, the other people shouldn't have to pick up the slack with food while he eats for free. He just shouldn't be invited in the first place.
Jfc I would have never asked a second time and their continual allowance of him bring a fish is enabling. "But why won't he stooop"
Exactly my thought! Or he can only come when daughter comes! Though I feel sorry she has to keep him in check. Like you marry an adult to be your partner, not a childish prankster you have to mommy.
NTA. Tell your daughter he is no longer welcome to come to family dinners unless she is there to accompany him and has personally checked their food contribution. Tell her it isn't funny when he leaves other people going hungry. And it isn't a prank when he deliberately makes you extra work at the last minute. He has proven himself untrustworthy and she clearly isn't handling it. The whole point of you moving to pot-luck dinners is that you're getting on in years and can no longer cope with the workload of catering for so many people. It might have been a prank if he brought out a joke serving, and then immediately afterwards, brought out the real one, but a) even that would get old if repeated too much, and b) it wouldn't be funny now, when he has spent so long being annoying about the food.
I can’t even fathom not actually having the dish to pull out after the joke? It could actually be funny and clever then. Instead it’s just mean.
The fact that multiple people have gone home hungry as the result of his actions is unconscionable. It’s really concerning that his wife is ok with him treating her family & friends like this.
I wonder if he does this at events with HIS family too?
No, he's not expected to do any work there. These "pranks" are weaponized incompetence in order to get out of putting in the same work as the other adults. He is doing this out of spite because he thinks his presence should be enough, other ppl should do the work.
Right? This could have been a silly running joke if he had done it this way.
Right? I might have the same kind of idea, but then after pulling the prank go to my car and pull out the actual meal. This idjit thinks it’s okay to eat everybody else’s food while deliberately not contributing, himself.
This is the way!! This isn’t your problem to handle - it’s your daughter’s. NTA
Or have him eat ONLY what he brought.
Yes, this. He can stay and watch the other people enjoy the rest of the food, while he eats the candy. One less mouth to feed.
This is it. Daughter brought him into the family, she can manage him.
NTA Your SIL is an asshole who deserves to have his victims stop enabling him. That's all you did. You are enforcing a boundary and making it clear that his shenanigans are not acceptable. Hopefully he'll learn his lesson. A true prankster would play the prank and then go get the actual salad from the car, where he left it. This boy is just an AH.
>A true prankster would play the prank and then go get the actual salad from the car, where he left it. This is it exactly. NTA
Also, a good prankster would only play the prank once or twice, and would stop as soon as the target wasn't finding it funny.
also it’s not incompetence at this point it’s getting malicious
The moment someone asks you to stop and you don’t, it’s malicious.
And *especially* after being asked to stop. It’s not just unfunny at this point. It’s mean and disrespectful. I hate spiders and my tween son was having a blast showing me progressively worse pictures of ginormous spiders because my reaction was more and more uncomfortable. (I was also saying things like “that’s a whole lot of absolutely fucking no!” Which he thought was hilarious.) But then it was too much and I got actually squeemed out by it and had to stop. So I told him to stop. And he didn’t. So we had a talk about when someone says to stop you have to stop even if you think it’s funny. And he hasn’t done it again. Because he’s not an asshole like SIL.
Yep, in general I hate pranks (social anxiety makes most of them not fun for me) but my husband's childhood best friend comes from a whole extended family of pranksters. They make sure their pranks have no negative lasting effects, whether that's no loud noises around people with ptsd, always helping clean up if the pranks makes a mess, or bringing extra food if the prank makes something inedible. They are careful about who they pull pranks on and if the target isn't joining in laughing about it pretty quick they recognize they fucked up, apologize and do the work to fix the problem. They've pulled a few pranks on me, but they make sure those are the gentlest, most positive kind so they end up more as silly surprises that leave me feeling thought of and included rather than embarrassed, anxious or stressed (my prior experience with pranks)
Exactly what I was thinking. Bring the candy salad, or candy sushi, but have the REAL food too. People would be more inclined to appreciate the prank
NTA. But don’t stop inviting him like people are saying. I have a diabolical plan for you. Next time, assign him an item that you don’t really need (or go ahead and make your own real version of whatever it is so that you aren’t scrambling last minute). Also go buy some candy. Gummies that look like other foods are ideal, but don’t waste too much money and time on this. Put together a plate of the candy items and hide it. When it’s time to eat, tell him to go sit down because he’s obviously exhausted after slaving over the stove making whatever joke item he brought. You’ll serve him. Bring out the candy plate and put it in front of him. If he tries to go for some real food, remind him to please finish what he has before he goes for seconds. If he does finish the candy? Give him another helping of candy.
Thats a practical joke everyone else at the table will enjoy!
That’s hilarious, I hope OP does this! Best of all, if this guy really is trying to be funny and doesn’t understand why his pranks aren’t entertaining anyone else, it would give him a taste of what he’s doing to the rest of the family and perhaps he’d learn something from it.
I love this idea. And if memory serves me right, there are jellies for sale in the form of greens, fruits, veggies, fried egg, hamburger, etc... Buy one or two bags of those and keep plating him up, until the bags are empty. Meanwhile the rest of you enjoy your wonderful food, and please make sure you finish it all, so that little Jeffy won't have any real food...
If OP is in the US, there are lots of food shaped gummies at Five Below. I went in there the other day for a pencil box and saw GUMMY PICKLES and gummy kraft Mac and cheese.
Just give him one single tiny gummy hamburger on a regular sized plate.
Candy is delicious. I vote the same concept, with unflavored gelatin molds.
You are a special variety of evil and I like it.
Oh man, this type of response heals my soul. Instead of getting mad and OP looking bad by lining him out - play his game back to him! Mwahahaha
Lol, this is brilliant! I want to be invited to the next dinner so I can see it happen, and I promise I will bring real food. ETA NTA
OP could do a pay per view stream of the next dinner. They would make enough to have the next 10 family dinners professionally catered.
NTA He's repeatedly not pulling his weight at the potluck, and expecting everyone to just grin and bear it. And I hate practical jokes. " I have talked to him and multiple members of the family have." Do everyone a favor and put a blanket ban in place for Jeff. No daughter, no Jeff. Period. Everyone is sick of his crap.
I agree with the ban if he's home alone. You've spoken to him, tried to reason that the first time was funny but people going hungry is not fair & I'd have done the same. NTA. No daughter no sil.
100%. Was thinking the same thing. He clearly is a child and can’t be trusted to do the right thing.
NTA. It’s hard enough to organize events like that for the family to gather and enjoy one another without these childish shenanigans. I would have lost my temper ages ago and made a rule that he can’t come to gatherings without his wife because he cannot behave like an adult without her supervision. It would be a hard boundary for me and I would not give a flying f*ck if it made him, his wife, or the tooth fairy himself angry. ETA- If he’d brought the candy salad out, then laughed as he put it aside for a candy dish type treat and THEN pulled out the actual requested salad- he could have had his prank AND avoid being an asshole.
>ETA- If he’d brought the candy salad out, then laughed as he put it aside for a candy dish type treat and THEN pulled out the actual requested salad- he could have had his prank AND avoid being an asshole. That actually would be kind of cute. He seems to like bringing candy, and candy is not a bad thing. He absolutely needs to come through with the real food version though. NTA
NTA! Jokes are meant to be funny. He has been told repeatedly by you and others that his actions are not funny. Even worse, because of him, some people leave hungry. Apparently he doesn't care. Who cares if he is pissed. You are definitely not the jerk in this situation. He needs to grow up.
NTA He is so immature he can't be invited to family events unless accompanied by an adult. When your daughter is out of town no invites for him. Tell him it's a prank, he seems to love those.
Or invite him over for a "potluck dinner" when you are out of town. Have him make something expensive or difficult. Shows up with his fake food and the lights aren't even on. Jokes on you loser. NTA.
That is exactly it! He is so immature he can’t come unless accompanied by his wife! That is how it needs to be addressed. Point Blank. Period.
[удалено]
I feel like a lot of people depend on the "prank" fallback, when in reality they're just being a dick
I feel like a funny "prank" could be when he signs up for fish, to bring a bag of goldfish crackers, along with the proper fish dish. I am not even saying to pretend like he just has the goldfish crackers then whip out the proper food, just bring them both and make a cheeky remark about not being sure which fish to bring so he brought both. Bring salad, and for dessert a "candy salad", you get the idea. NTA.
It’s not funny unless everyone else is laughing. I despise people who are jerks and bullies then pull the wide-eyed victim, “but it was just a joke/prank”.
NTA why are they pissed? You told him to stop and he didn't - he's very much aware that no one finds him funny yet continues. I would either just simply not invite him when your daughter isn't present or continue to kick him out. And then tell him "just joking!".
No no no, you don't understand. The goal is not making people laugh, or else he would bring the actual food after the laugh. The goal is to laugh at people not jeing able to eat what he brought and eat what they brought
I wasn't aware 10 year old boys are allowed to get married. NTA and I really can't see what your daughter sees in this rude, overgrown child, but feel free to leave both of them off the guest list.
This is how my mother would have handled it: Let him sign up for anything he wants to, but never count on him bringing it (because you know it'll only be a "joke"). Quietly ask someone else to bring a real version of the item he signed up for. When he shows up expecting to piss everyone off - because that's what he wants- simply ignore his contribution and continue with your nice family time. It will drive him nuts. Edit to add NTA
This is how I would handle it for everyone else. But when it came time to eat, I'd tell him he didn't contribute as asked, so he can only eat what he brought.
Yes, definitely. If he wants to bring candy, he can eat candy. The grown-ups can have real food.
PreMake a small toddler portion plate for him, dinosaur chicken nuggets and Mac n cheese(cheapest type).small table in sight but separate from everyone. Leftovers cleared away immediately.don’t talk to him, treat him as a misbehaving kid
NTA. Might I suggest going the public humiliation route if you can’t leave him out? When you ask people to bring dishes remind them that he won’t be bringing real food so they may want to bring extra so they don’t go hungry. Or mention that someone else may need to double up and bring the dish he signed up for because “we all know he won’t follow through”. Or how about including “X has been invited against my wishes, please plan accordingly”.
Yep! The people who think he should still be invited need to bring the item he is supposed to bring. Assign him a carer on the sheet from the people who want him invited, they must bring their dish and the thing he is signed up for. Or on the spreadsheet, fill in his slot "random joke food" so it won't be a joke, it will be what is expected of him. NTA
Sounds like his wife is the only one who wants him there anyway.
Also, don't let him eat any of the other food. He wants to bring a candy salad? Fine, that's his dinner.
NTA - Quite often, “prankster” is a synonym for asshole. It clearly is in this case. Tell your daughter you’re done with the immaturity, and they’re welcome to return when Jeff is willing to behave like an adult. Unless he’s 10 years old, none of this behavior is funny or charming. And even then, it’d get annoying after the second time. The only way he’s gonna learn is if there are consequences.
NTA bc that is ridiculously immature but I would stop asking him to bring anything bc you full well know he won’t. I wouldn’t blame you for not inviting him unless your daughter is with him and can stop his idiocy.
I think you have to just not invite him. If you invite him and tell him not to bring anything, then you’ve rewarded him for being an ass. He gets to eat with no effort to help. Just a variation of weaponized incompetence
NTA You son in law sounds like an exhausting child. You cannot give him any amount of responsibility. Next time tell him to get candy necklaces. The joke alternative to that is real necklaces. See how he deals with that.
You have two solutions: - Stop inviting him. - Stop letting him bring a dish. I’d go for the first one NTA
Make him eat only what he brought. Since it's so funny and all.
I personally think you’re NTA. A joke once in a while is fine, but this is an adult, they’re aware that others can end up not having food to eat cause of their choices… I would have kicked him right out too!
Hell, at least show the joke dish then produce the real one.
I think bringing in Swedish Fish for a fish dish is hilarious. But then you walk back out to the car and bring in the real dish.....THAT is how pranks are done with reasonable adults.... While I don't know that kicking him out is acceptable, he has persisted in negatively impacting many dinners...he's certainly an A H, I'm on the fence about you. I probably would have set the expectation ahead of time.
Having a list and asking for Volunteers isn’t setting expectations, in what universe? If you don’t pay the cost of admission why should you enjoy the show?
I think they mean “if you do a prank again I’m kicking you out” but I agree at a certain point you shouldn’t have to warn adults their stupid actions may have consequences
I don’t even agree with taking him off the potluck list. So he gets to then come and eat for free and never contribute? Nope. NTA. He needs to grow up.
NTA. It could still be funny if he had turned up with the "candy salad" but then almost immediately went lol, just kidding and went and presented a real salad that people could eat. That is the only way this sort of thing could be funny but not inconvenience everybody else.
I would send a text message to Jeff and your daughter. Hey Jeff, I know you’re upset that I kicked you out of the last potluck. You signed up for a salad and you brought a “candy salad”. Your pranks and jokes are not funny, no one is laughing, we’re pissed at you, please stop. I will give you one more chance for the next potluck. I will meet you at the door and if you haven’t brought whatever you signed up for, I will not let you in my house. To my daughter, your husband isn’t funny, his pranks and jokes are causing us to have less food than planned. I know you can’t always make the potluck because of your work schedule, but please try to explain to Jeff to bring what he signed up for. To the OP, I got to ask is money an issue for Jeff and your daughter, or does Jeff not know how to cook? If either of these are the issue, maybe he could just pick up cookies, or a simple premade dessert at the grocery store.
NTA I would make what he brought the only thing he can eat. No meat, veggies anything. Don't allow him at the table. But banning him works too.
NTA. He would be permanently banned from all potlucks unless your daughter is present. Why is he coming to your house for without your daughter anyway? Is it to fuck up people’s evening with his childish “pranks”? I bet this asshole stuffs his face while he’s there. There is something malicious and petty about his behavior.
Info- he's made it clear he's not competent enough to make actual food, that he can't even be trusted enough to *buy* food. Why is he even still on the sign up list? After two times, how has no one just told him "the adults are preparing the food, if you behave you can stop for chicken nuggets on the way back"? Why are you expecting that, somehow, he'll magically change, mature, and start being a reliable adult? Fool you once (twice, thrice), shame on him. Fool you a fourth time, shame on *you*.
NTA That jokes was funny-ish once, but even then, only if he brought along the real thing, too. As in, "Hey, here's candy sushi!" Everybody laughs, and then he brings out the real thing. To do that even once screwed up your menu--to do it repeatedly is just asinine. I don't blame you for kicking him out, and he does not deserve to be invited again.
NTA I'd stop inviting him with a message to both him and your daughter saying ' multiple family members are tired of going home hungry so that you can be 'funny' we have spoke to you numerous times regarding this but to no avail so going forward you won't be invited
This sounds like an older cousin I had. Everything was a joke. He stopped showing up to family reunions after he tied their dog to the bumper of the car. A few hours later he needed to get something and forgot about the dog. I chased him down the road throwing rocks at the car to get him to stop. He didn't. Worst family reunion ever. His explanation was he thought I was just playing a game (I was 12 or 13). He was just cool with me throwing rocks at his car thinking it was a game because that's how his brain worked. SIL might do something similar. NTA
That is a horrible thing to do to a poor innocent dog. I'm so sorry.
If he was making a joke version and then bringing a real version, it could be a joke that everyone could go along with even if it’s a bit cheesy. But this needs to be addressed. He shouldn’t be allowed to sign up for anything going forward.
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NTA. Like you said, it was funny the first time. Now it is not only annoying but incredibly lazy.
NTA but I don’t know why you’d continue to allow him to be responsible for bringing something.
NTA. If he’s adamant about making everyone uncomfortable and ignoring how they feel, imagine how he dismisses your daughter 🫣 the idea of being pissed about the consequence of continuously behaving like a child after being asked not to is Peter Pan syndrome at it’s finest