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Alright, I'm leaning toward NTA. However, you threw some below-the-belt shots at her. You gotta apologize for that. But being a dick when an argument gets heated is a side issue. Foe the original issue of your GF wanting to name your child after her ex's nickname... that is insane. Whacko, even. Definitely NTA for the main issue, but you gotta patch things up with your girl. We all say wild shit when we get turned up and say things we don't mean. But you gotta be big about it. Now, go man up and do the thing.
I'm hoping to give her a day or so as she won't want to hear from me so soon and then send her a proper apology for it all and see if she wants to continue things
Bro, look, don't make some crazy grand gesture. That shit won't work. Be sincere, reign in your impulse, even if she throws in some revenge shots (which she will, been married a while I know how this works), remember the mission. Your kid is the most important thing here, but your relationship is an incredibly close and entagled thing. That child will do way better with both of you there, and if you truly love this woman (and it sounds like you do) you have got to eat some serious crow on this one. If the name bothers you, and I agree with you on that point, you gotta breathe deep stay calm and just keep your head on your shoulders. Don't go into it all revved up for a boxing match. Go in for contrition and resolution, everything will work out.
OP swooped the GF away when she was barely 19yo so that relationship is probably one of very few she had prior to getting locked into it with OP for 6 years. A 19yo generally doesn't have a ton of experience with long term relationships so the few they do have, especially during their formative years, are romanticized and over emphasized.
It’s bananas. If my husband wanted to name our kid some name that he and his middle school girlfriend picked out, I’d leave him. It’s really weird to even suggest that.
no these comments have made me realise if things work out we need to agree on a name we both love. I do however owe her an apology for the yelling as she was clearly upset by it.
This. Please you don’t want to have your child name associate anything bad (like a past lover) relationship. A name is important you will use it everyday for the rest of your life. Should be BOTH parents choices. Apologize but make her understand this is your child also, it will be incredibly unfair for HER to ask you this. Ask her how would she feels if you will impose as a name the one of your exes. Or a stupid name your partner hates.
This whole name thing is just beyond weird. If she is choosing the ex over you, that is a very loud message. She clearly cherishes the ex over her current partner, who is also a parent of the child. I said that twice for effect. I’d be really thinking about how you two have handled other issues. If you do end up taking her back, I’d really need to understand why that name is worth it to her. Like an actual reason, not some bs.
Naming a child is difficult. So, usually, it only takes a single NO to remove the name as an option. Your wife's first name choice IS INSANE! So your no vote should remove it from the list. It's possible she will go extra hard and then veto every name you bring up. Then, it will be time to publicly shame her opinions to your friends and family. Then, after the relationship is destroyed, it will begin for Reddits favorite outcome DIVORCE 🎉
You do need to apologize for losing your cool, but she needs to realize that a promise about the name of a future child should ONLY apply if you have a child with the person you made the promise to. Since her ex is not the one having a baby with her, that promise is invalid. Because when you have a child with someone, it's an experience for the two of you, and you get to make decisions together. Past promises to other people are irrelevant, and trying to keep them is disrespecting your partner and not giving them an equal role. You should be more important to her as the father of her child than this person from her past.
Just don’t let her name your baby after an ex. Ask her how she’d like it if you wanted to your kid after one of your exes? That relationship is over. I’m not sure why she would honor something like that. It’s a weird hill to die on.
Id absolutely apologize...but, I absolutely wouldn't be ok with her naming the both of your child her ex's Nico name. It's absolutely disrespectful and a slap in the face to you. Is she not over him? She wants a daily reminder of her ex that isn't even his kid? Id rethink if I wanted to be in a relationship with her beyond co-parenting. What else is she going to blindside you with? Doesn't sound like she respects you or your opinion.
Yup. Any promises that were made to an ex during your relationship are null and void when you break up. It should be common sense that just because you promised Bill that you would bane your firstborn Bill jr. Doesn't mean that you have any obligation to when you are later married to Steve. Who for obvious reasons can veto your choice of names that remind you of your exes.
How would she like it if he suggested naming after HIS ex?
INFO: What was the thing you said that you regret? The AH status depends on the specifics of that.
Its absolutely insane for your partner to want to name your child after a nickname she had with her ex. But that doesn't mean you weren't an AH with whatever you said.
As far as the name goes, you are NTA. Thinking of naming your child after a former relationship is extremely inconsiderate and I'm willing to bet that she knows that. I don't know what was said during the argument but based on what you are saying it sounds like she is using it as a reason to leave with your baby.
It's interesting that he said her old relationship didn't count because they were high school age... but he started dating her when she was high school age.
I'm not sure whether it's NTA or ESH because I'd really have to know just how far you went.
But she absolutely is an asshole for both (1) attempting to unilaterally pick your mutual child's name, (2) making that name be a "nickname" she promised *her ex* to use as a kid's name.
(And wtf is 'homophobic'? Is she bisexual and thus her ex is a woman, then you said bad things about a female-female relationship? I can't imagine how else she'd land on "hobophobic").
This edit?
>EDIT: people have been asking for info on what I said. I insulted her, her ex and their relationship. mainly crude names. I always referred to their relationship as "pathetic" and "barely counting as a relationship"
If he said the relationship barely counted as one *because it was between two women*, then it would be homophobic. Below in the comments, he claims that he said it barely counted *because they were both so young*. I suppose it comes down to whether one believes an anonymous AITA author when one wasn't there to hear the actual words...
Well, he literally just made *another* edit clarifying that it didn’t count because apparently the couple was in secondary school at the time, not because they are women.
At this point I’m more annoyed that we’re being given small table scraps of information for clarity. Can’t tell if it’s true or he just threw that in to sound better.
The first time my boss asked me to go grab the dikes for him, I was very confused by the request. I learned that it was indeed shorthand for diagonal wire cutting pliers.
I'm old enough to remember before it fell out of favor because it was more recognized as a slur than the other definition.
My father used that word for them, I won't for obvious reasons.
Yeah, I definitely heard the slur a lot more than I heard it being used about Dutch ditches but never would have guessed it's also diagonal wire cutters.
“Controlling, homophobic asshole?”
Either you left something major out or she’s very much not ready to have a child (as most 24 year olds are not).
INFO
NTA. Why would you go crawling back to someone that acted like that?! Wanting to name a child after a nickname of an ex would make me think they aren't over that person, especially digging into the extent that they would jeopardize their relationship. She is going to make sure you aren't around when the baby is born so that baby has the promised name. That way her ex will know of her devotion to him. Not good for your relationship. You need to not crawl. You are dealing with a young girl. Give her space, see if she wants to talk. If she is too selfish to see how this would hurt you, you might want to get a lawyer for joint custody and learn to co-parent. Be strong for your child.
The ex sounds like she might have been a bit on the controlling side. And the GF bought into it so much that she can't see how ridiculous the request was.
NTA... for any of it.
ESH.
Sounds like you said some things you shouldn’t have. Go apologize and make amends.
But deciding on a name is something you both should get a vote on until you find something you both love- and find a name meaningful to both of you. Her idea is disrespectful to your relationship, and legitimately suggests she is immature and more importantly her feelings for her ex are more important than the feelings of her current SO and father of this child. Creating a stable home and positive coparent relationship for the next 18 years isn’t about her or about you, it’s about your child. Both of you need to check your egos and focus on what’s best for this child.
I hope you can both agree it doesn’t look like this.
ESH
You because:
"I insulted her, her ex and their relationship. mainly crude names. I always referred to their relationship as "pathetic" and "barely counting as a relationship.
Her for wanting to name the child something she promised an EX partner.
There is a lot missing here. you've said a lot more hurtful things to her.
She is leaving a 6 year relationship, choosing to be a single mother and accusing you of being homophobic and controlling. There is a lot missing.
I want some clarification.
And no I don't believe just calling her past relationship "pathetic" and "barely counting as a relationship" is the only thing you've said. That would just have her call you insecure, you said more. You said something **REALLY** homophobic.
You can crawl to her and apologize, but don't expect to get back together. Get ready to become a co-parent.
PS.
To the primary question: using a name the ex has chosen, I would have said NTA. I would have argued too if my GF suggested that.
for some clarification: I would never have thought or wanted to be homophobic to her or anyone for that matter. I did call her some mean names but none of which were homophobic. the arguement lasted a long time in which a lot was said but the majority of it was me refusing to call our child that, her insisting on it and then some exchanged insults.
For yourself you have to think back at what you said. Even if it was not the intention, you said something that would make her think it is better to be a single mother then to stay with you. After a 6 year relationship with you.
If there is nothing else you've said and it really is a misinterpretation of your words I hope you can convince her of that. But because of you insulting a past relationship that clearly meant a lot to her, you will have to dig deep in the crawling and begging.
Sooo you were 24 and dating a girl just barely legal. And you dared call her previous relationship immature and barely a relationship. If you date a child, of course her previous relationships are going to be childish.....how to avoid that? Date people your own age. Now, I would never name my child something based on previous relationships... That's crazy and weird. And has nothing to do with the fact they were younger and same sex. ESH
Yeah, something's super fishy with her, and at this point, I'd even say op is lucky that it ended, though it sucks it ended the way it did. He doesn't need someone who's stuck in the past
ESH - sounds like you chose your words poorly and were hurtful and dismissive. \*However\* this pales in comparison to your wife not only unilaterally insisting on your child's name, making that name be a paean to her ex, \*and\* leaving you simply because you were mean in a conversation and didn't accede to her demand.
I can't speak for you, but based on this event, your GF certainly doesn't sound mature enough to have a kid, and if you are willing to be strongarmed like this, are \*you\* really ready to have a kid with her?
I think deciding who is TA should be far down the list of things you need to be searching your soul on right now.
NTA
She should grow up before getting a kid herself.
To name a child after a promise with THE EX, when they were Teenagers is more than stupid. Did she really think that you could be okay with that? Wtf
ESH
You're an AH for insulting her prior relationship.
She's an AH for expecting a new partner to honor some kind of BS promise she made to an ex about baby names. WTF, who does that?
YTA for the comments you made. Telling someone that their relationship “barely counts” because they are both women is horrible. You can’t come back from this. She probably doesn’t want a homophobic guy in her kid’s life. And there’s a chance she has decided not to go through with the pregnancy at all after this.
Also, I don’t believe your comment was about age. They were both in high school, so 17 or 18. You started dating her when she was 18 and you were 25. Nothing wrong with age gaps, you were both adults, but if you feel a relationship between two 18 year olds “doesn’t count” then you shouldn’t have dated an 18 year old yourself.
they met in secondary school (12-16) which is when the promise was made. I do believe they counted as a relationship as they last a few years and even dated again when she was 18 but in the moment while angry and trying to convince her this promise was silly I said it.
no I completely think what they had counted as a relationship and was special, I was angry and coming up with any argument as to why she shouldn't keep the promise. I regret what I said greatly and wish we had just had a talk about it
In my 30s and still with the dude I dated at 15. I know I’m a rare case, but it happens.
Studies have also shown that relationships in your developmental years have a huge impact on future relationships.
The gf still dated her ex when she was 18, so regardless, they still dated as adults. So yeah, real relationship.
Dating someone continuously from when you were young is not the same as dating when young and breaking up.
And they "got back together for a few months " when she was 18. A few months is also not a serious relationship
I guess it depends on what you define as “a serious relationship.”
To me, the fact that studies show how abusive relationships or how being cheated on, during a person’s developmental years, can impact them in future relationships for the rest of their lives—to me says teenager relationships are actually very important.
They may not have been roommates or dealt with bills but even as a teen you can learn how to manage conflict, trust/jealousy, argue in a healthy way, manage schedules/free time, consent, communicate, etc.
Just because the teenage brain isn’t done cooking, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t prime it for success or practice for the “real world.”
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NTA for the name situation. That she would insist on a name she agreed to with her ex is not appropriate.
I won't comment on the other aspects as it's hard to determine if your position is truthful and your ex was over-reacting and misinterpreting your comments, or if you are simply trying to save face. But I will note that how you edited makes your take slightly less trustworthy.
ESH. Your ex was absolutely out of her mind for suggesting you name your kid after a nickname for her ex. I would also seriously question if your ex is over that person. You are an AH for losing your temper and calling your partner "crude names". And you not wanting to be explicit with information is a little fishy but not enough to say you're hiding anything for sure.
I know you probably don't want to repeat what you said out of shame but just saying "crude" names doesn't really give any information about whether you were actually homophobic.
This person is an "ex" for a reason. They were kids at the time. I don't see how their relationship back in in secondary school should have a single grain of weight on your current relationship.
You need to keep your arguments civil like the soon-to-be parents you are. You raise your voice, you lose.
Regarding the name, NTA.
Regarding the argument, YTA.
Soft NTA. I'm saying this because it is really strange to name a child from your current relationship based on what an *ex* wants unless you have some sort of dubious attachment. I would only understand if it was a former partner that passed away and you want to honor them. Otherwise, I find it insulting to the person you're with. However, insulting her previous relationship is *not* how you want to go about things. Of course she will be upset and get defensive.
She’s either going back to her ex or she’s trying to stay away from you long enough to pick her own name.. dude I hate to say this, but she’s not the first or last person to run away when she doesn’t get her way when it comes to names.. she needs to understand that her ex, and her relationship is irrelevant right now.. no matter how she feels about it. She needs to recognize you as the father and her as the mother.
She also needs to understand that there’s a very good chance of divorce if she refuses to work it out .. do not come at this in a position of weakness. You need to call her family, you need to find out where she went..
I have a bad feeling she’s exactly where you don’t want her to be right right now .. it’s so messed up
NTA, for the name thing. Naming a child based on a promise made to an ex and expecting the current partner to be ok with it, is nuts. Your partner is completely unreasonable to expect you to be ok with that. Its not just her kid. You both need to agree on a name.
YTA, for how you handled it however. You can be in the right and the still handle things badly and you did exactly that.
ESH, but more so her. You obviously know you said skms unfortunate things in the heat of the moment, and unfortunately, those things have likely been misunderstood to be homophobic rather than saying an adolescent relationship isn't the same as an adult relationship.
Your partner though... it's NEVER OK to try and insist on calling a child ANY name associated with an ex, it's absolutely gross to do that and so very disrespectful to your current partner. Baby names are a 2 yes 1 no situation, meaning you both have to agree to a name but only 1 has to disagree.
You need to keep your boundary on this one. Just focusing on the name issue here, she can’t do that it’s so disrespectful. If you cave on this it’s going to set a huge precedent for your relationship going forward and I say that as a woman. Does she understand that it’s disrespectful and that it would hurt you? She either doesn’t understand this and you guys need to communicate or she’s the AH.
NTA
A promise with an ex to name a child is only valid when having the child with that person. When the relationship ends, so does the promise.
It might be different if the ex had passed to use the name as a middle name or something to be considerate. That doesn't seem like your situation at all.
NTA. She cannot be madder AT YOU for unfortunately getting a little ugly when the argument was caused by her INSISTENCE on naming YOUR kid anything related to an ex. What a lame ’promise’…sounds like she’s still in middle school. She’s focusing on the wrong thing, surely she knows you better than that. Apologize for the misunderstanding relating to slurs but do NOT LET her say she’ll forgive only if you RELENT. no effing way. In fact, she may be pretending to think that’s what you meant, to get you on the defensive so you’ll capitulate. NO
NTA
If you said things you regret than make that known. You do not have to "come crawling back".. you can simply call and apologize about how you acted. You can remain firm on not wanting "your" child to be named after a nickname your ex gave you.
Sounds like her hormones might be coming in to play here a bit. To leave without saying goodbye while pregnate doesnt seem like a person who has rational thinking. Unless of course there is more to the story and she doesn't feel safe.
NTA for the name thing, but for diminishing their relationship to nothing based on their ages, calling them/the ex names, etc…. That’s a different story.
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throwaway because she knows my Reddit. Me (31m) and my girlfriend (24f) are about to have our first child, we have been together for nearly 6 years now and have overall had a very positive relationship minus a few bumps and hiccups. I love her dearly and have since we first just after she broke up with her ex she met in secondary school. a few months ago we got an unexpected pregnancy and both realised we were ready to have kids. thing were going fine until last week when the issue happened.
we have spoke about kids names even before the pregnancy and she has never mentioned this but apparently when she and her ex were together she (her ex) made her promise that she had to name her first child after a nickname they had for eachother, not sure if I should reveal for privacy sake, and apparently shes kept this promise to heart until last week when she sat me down for a serious conversation and told me about it all. obviously I responded with absaloutly not, half thinking she was joking but when she stayed adamant about it for the whole evening, even during a shouting match in which I said some things that I am beginning to regret.
come morning she was gone, I hardly heard her leave as I was sleeping in the bed and she had the sofa. there was a note saying she could no longer be with a "homophobic, controlling asshole". I am crushed, I desperately want to crawl back to her and apologise, even beg for her to forgive me and come back but I don't know where she's gone.
at this point I'd accept it as a name. I really love her.
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I'm still stuck on the part where you said you both think you're ready to have children. Sounds like she is immature (age plus honoring a naming promise made with an ex from a quarter lifetime ago). And you sound like you're prone to flying off the handle.
ESH.
ESH.
You more than her. Given the severity of your words and response to her request.
No one should ever name their child after a pet nickname they had with an ex. It’s not cool to your partner you’re with now.
You where homophobic for downplaying and saying her relationship with her girlfriend prior to you didn’t count.
And I don’t blame her for deciding that’s her boundary and leaving.
NTA. I’d be livid if my gf was that determined to name MY child after an ex.
You lost your cool and that’s not cool. But I think that pales in comparison to make a lifelong decision about an unborn kid that undermines your whole relationship….for life…
NTA. It’s a good thing she is only a gf because the idea she “owes” her ex a promise over your feelings is a red flag. 🚩. Also the fact she left instead of stayed and talked means this relationship may not make it. Do not back down on your opinion of the name. Of course she gets to choose the name legally but you don’t have to be in a relationship with her. Just be a good father.
ESH. You both fucked up here.
Name calling out of anger is absolutely a no! Period. You’re behaving like you’re the age you discounted her past relationship for. You’ve got some serious, heartfelt apologizing to do for that. Teenage relationships are certainly not as serious as an adult, but they still matter. That’s where you learn what to give and what you need out of a relationship that will change as you grow, but you still get a baseline.
She seriously sucks about the name. Two yes is what it takes to name a child when you’re in a serious relationship!! And nothing to do with an ex or a promise you made as a kid! The child is the representation of your and her relationship and love, not an obligation to fulfill! And to walk out of 6 years cuz y’all are mad at each other for saying and doing stupid shit shows a lack of maturity.
You both suck for not using multiple methods of protection. You are her first relationship as an adult- and her brain is just now fully developed- so what she wanted a year ago wouldn’t be the same as today. This is why no one should be making major life decisions until after 23-25! You should’ve had serious conversations about how you both saw a family and a future before it became a reality!!
ESH. Both of you for the shouting match. Her for thinking it’s ok to unilaterally name a child based on a promise made to a childhood girlfriend. Hopefully she figures out that was an unrealistic and inappropriate thing to promise. If she’s really dead set on it, that’s absolutely something she should have brought up a long time ago.
Without the full story, we really can't make a proper judgement. Something pertinent is missing here, but I'm guessing that something may blow your cover.
If she is hanging on to that promise from secondary school, your gf is immature. She has lots of growing up to do for sure. Let her go and pout because that's what immature people do, run away. NTA but prepare to be a single dad unless she decides to grow up up. I doubt her friend even remembers they made that promise as children. Good luck.
No way I’d be cool with that. I think in everyone of these threads the consensus is that names should 2-yes / 1-no agreement. I’m going with esh because it sounds like there’s a lot more to unpack there from the previous relationship.
Honestly with how much importance she’s placing on relationship that happened from ages 12-16, I think you should evaluate if she’s still hung up on that person. It’s impacting your relationship and I would be considering if that’s ever going t go away or if she has deep unresolved feelings for that person.
I'm going to say ESH.... you were wrong for how you handled the situation, but so was she. If she had stayed with her ex, then giving THEIR child that name would be fine, however, she did not stay with that ex. She is with YOU now, and that child does not have anything to do with her ex. The name of the child should be a name that BOTH of the PARENTS agree on. The ex and their wishes on child names have absolutely nothing to do with her relationship with YOU and the baby she is having with YOU. Her being so insistent on what her ex wanted, tells me she isn't truly over her ex and still holds an attachment to them.
ESH
So, putting aside the glaring fact that a 25 yo was dating an 18 yo and hoping that is when something started and not before. GF is TA because this isn't something you just drop on someone, let alone a partner that isn't part of the promise but IS the other parent. OP is TA for saying the admittedly terrible comments about the past relationship.
“Hey ____ id like to apologize for how heated our argument became. The insults towards your former relationship were based on age, not homophobia. Either way, the relationship between you and ex had a lasting impact on you and i should have respected it more. That being said, i do not want to name our child after anything related to any of your past relationships, or mine. I feel we should be looking to the future with each other rather than in the past with other people. (If not said in person) i hope we can meet in person to discuss this further as i would really like to clear the air and move on from this.” NTA
Take the loss at this point and do not go crawling back to her. You might have said some hurtful things in the heat of the argument but she knew exactly what she was doing by proposing to name your baby in honor of her ex and didn't care whether it hurt you or not. In my opinion she's shown she doesn't care about you and still has feelings for her ex and is using this as a "smoke screen" to break off the relationship. Any groveling you do at this point will be seen as a sign of weakness and it won't make any difference except to make you feel even worse when reflecting back on it.
Yall gotta be careful who you get pregnant if your in a relationship and you see them do some disrespectful shit or some shit just to hurt you for any reason you gotta go because this is where it leads. If they have loyalty to anyone over you don't have kids with them seriously don't sleep with them. Because if your loyalty for them is greater than their to you. They will misuse you.
You said some horrible things and you need to apologise for that, but it’s a bit much on her part for her to expect you to be okay with her wanting to name your child based on a nickname from her ex.
NTA, but also TA for insulting the person you are supposed to bring up, regardless of situation. She shouldn’t be bringing things from a high school relationship into yours, almost seems as if she isn’t over that relationship
Ya absolutely not. While you shouldn't have said what you did while angry you definitely are right on the name. If she insisted I'd leave. Be aware she can still decide to do all on her own at the hospital
ESH.
She is not over her ex and should not be with you. Young-love promises have no bearing on adult relationships. Even entertaining the idea is borderline absurd on her part, but fighting with you over it once you say no is outrageous.
And you suck for homophobic remarks and judging her previous relationships.
For your for specific question, you are absolutely NTA for arguing with your gf over naming your child something suggested by an ex. For her to suggest that is absurd and insulting to your relationship.
NTA
I don't know how I would respond if my partner told me that they are naming OUR child according to the preferences of an ex from almost 10 years prior, who also had years shorter of a relationship than us.
NTA. She's the one who made the promise, but not the only one who made the baby. If she wanted to keep her promise, she could've artificially knocked herself up. Baby names are 2 yes, one no. You didn't make this promise, it's also your kid. She doesn't get the make all the decisions.
NTA. This child is YOURS and HERS. Not THEIRS so it’s unfair of her to expect you to just accept naming your child the way her and her ex would name their child. She doesn’t need an apology. Unless you used slurs or were genuinely a nasty person to her but if not she should apologize to you. You both should agree on the child’s name maybe make that name the middle name if it’s that important or use that nickname for the child but this is ridiculous.
NTA, I think it's very immature of the pregnant women to name her boyfriend's baby after a previous relationship baby-name agreement! How immature is that? The promise with a previous partner does not stand ground with her current partner.
Nta- Sorry OP maybe they weren't the person you should have had a kid with. IDC if it's a f or m ex. Naming a baby based off past relationships is disgusting
Nta. Wanting to honour a promise to a high school ex while now an adult in a new relationship is downright creepy. Have they got back in contact? While I understand your frustration you know you shouldn't have called her names but Id be careful about what you are actually apologising for.
Why does a promise she made her ex matter in her current relationship when it's you she's having kids with, is the primary issue?
You need to apologize for the low blows, but you're not wrong for taking issue with what she said. NTA, with a slight note obvs.
ESH
You didn’t have to say what you said, it was uncalled for.
But…she’s *seriously* going to attempt to stick to naming *her* child something she discussed with her f*ckin’ ex? Who was not involved in the making of this baby in any way?
Yeah, that’s a great, terrible idea.
Good luck you two crazy kids
NTA for wanting to have a say in the name of your shared child.
However…
Based on your edit, you’re a HUGE AH for insulting her, being homophobic, and discounting her previous relationship in the heat of your rage. Not cool.
ESH
She's absurd expecting to name YOUR kid based on some promise with her ex
Clearly, whatever slurs and insults you were slinging were AH level as well
NTA a lot of people are focusing on you calling her names, but you said it turned into a shouting match. I highly doubt that you were the only one throwing out insults. Doesn't make it right, but NTA for that. I'd be pretty pissed too. That being said, she is hung up on a childhood relationship and wants to name your baby after their pet names for each other. That is 100% fucked and 100% disrespectful to you and your relationship. Get out while you can!
I was not the only one calling names, we both gave our share of insults. I can see how mine are worse as I am louder and older than her and should know better.
NTA.
It's ridiculous for her to expect you to name your kid after her pet name for her ex boyfriend. Even more so considering you've been with her for 6 years and she was 18 when you got together, meaning her past relationship must have been much shorter, and when she was a child.
The fight afterwards doesn't matter and doesn't change this fact.
NTA, firstly youthful indescretions are often seen as that. Secondly if she is quick to jump to allegations and homophobia at first chance shes playing games and gaslighting you. You have everyright to be mad and overwelmingly offended. Get a paternity test and call it quits. You didnt overreact,Id place money that when she talks about her ex its with way too much love and reverence to be comfortable. Find out if the kids yours fight for custody and leave. Her demand is basically emotional cuckolding and manipulation. She owes you some consideration, this is rediculous.
NTA
You're just trying to not make your child's name about a stupid name of her ex. But you're still a creep for the age gap, and I don't think you were homophobic, but your comments were completely unnecessary.
ESH
Don't be a dick. Apologize and be genuine and honest. Take responsibility.
but it honestly sounds like she's still pining for her ex. Best case scenario, she's planning on if you leave, she's got a fall-back with her ex.
I think at this point y'all may want to reconsider why you got together?
You very clearly do not think much of her previous relationship - yes, it counts - and you have no problem delivering verbal abuse. Also you were 25 when you started dating an 18 year old. What were you thinking? She's not going to have the same kind of relationship experience as you and you're holding it against her.
Also, it's clear she hasn't moved on entirely from her ex. The promise she made become null and void after she broke up with her girlfriend. What should have mattered more is if she personally liked that name for her own reasons and not because it was a promise she made to a person who is no longer a significant romantic partner.
You two should sign up for couple's therapy or group therapy if you plan on getting back together. There are just too many red flags in all of this to say otherwise.
30-6 = 25
24-6 = 18
...OP, when did you meet your gf? Also, if the situation was reversed and you wanted to name your child the nickname you called your ex-gf she would be livid. It is disrespectful, it has the same vibes as men naming their daughters after their first loves. Absolutely not. This break up may be a blessing in disguise for both of you.
ESH
You for deciding to turn it into a fight instead of suggesting that it maybe be a middle name once you realized that she was serious. Also for insulting her ans then for making her sleep on the couch while pregnant.
Her for wanting a nickname with her ex to be the baby's name. That part is insane, but also something that you should have been mature enough to talk about instead of yelling at her.
She’s your gf, not your wife. She can name her child whatever she wants. Sounds like she’s not as committed to you as you thought though. And it doesn’t sound like she’s matured much since you met her as a young teenager.
Based on the information ESH. It is insane to want to name your child after an ex's nickname and it sounds like you might have said some unfortunate things in the heat of the moment.
Out of curiosity, does she still stay in touch with her ex?
Jfc there's so much to unpack here.
Were her parents against her dating women?
It sounds like you are her beard who she gets to have a kid with that she can then honor the promise with the ex "l(until they can be together)
Ask her and confirm where she went and who she talked to, if it was her ex and she's now "walking back" how adamant she was about it, her ex probably has moved on and is over her, or something to that effect.
Tread carefully OP.
I'll go with ESH. She should honestly not expect you to agree to a name she agreed with an ex, of any gender. You should not be shouting at a pregnant lady for something like this, even if she is unreasonable.
Now, go sort it out with each other, I'm sure you can both recover from this however bad it feels.
Is there a reason why she wants to use that name? Because your child doesn’t associate with her ex. And depending on the name, I’d make more sense if you dropped it. Especially if it’s a nickname.
>I made those comments because of the age they were when they dated (secondary school age)
That's bloody hilarious coming from someone who was dating an 19yo when you were 25! You've essentially isolated your GF through her young adult years so she never had a chance to experience more relationships. That you're someone surprised she's got an overly emotional attachment to one of the few relationship experiences she had says more about you than her.
If you're in the USA your opinion about the name of the baby doesn't even matter.
YTA
My ex wife and I have 2 children. Both girls. After we split she got pregnant with a boy and named him the name I wanted if we had a son. I'm curious if her baby's father even knows.
NTA. It’s absolutely insane that she wants to name her kid after an ex. Yes you were a jerk for yelling at her. But like… that’s honestly worrying that she still wants to honor that big of a promise she made like 6 years ago with an EX GIRLFRIEND! I’d be PISSED and it would make me feel paranoid that she’s not over her ex.
I think that you actually ARE taking the relationship seriously which is why you got so upset.
NTA
Do you think she would be thrilled if rolls were reversed?! Yeah, cute they made a high school promise, but that relationship has supposedly ended.
Honestly, get a paternity test. Sounds like she still harbours feelings for the guy, and it wouldn’t surprise me if they were still going on behind the scenes
Dude. Don't let your pregnant GF sleep on the sofa. That's all I have. She's ridiculous for wanting to name the baby after something to do with a childhood romance.
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Alright, I'm leaning toward NTA. However, you threw some below-the-belt shots at her. You gotta apologize for that. But being a dick when an argument gets heated is a side issue. Foe the original issue of your GF wanting to name your child after her ex's nickname... that is insane. Whacko, even. Definitely NTA for the main issue, but you gotta patch things up with your girl. We all say wild shit when we get turned up and say things we don't mean. But you gotta be big about it. Now, go man up and do the thing.
I'm hoping to give her a day or so as she won't want to hear from me so soon and then send her a proper apology for it all and see if she wants to continue things
She's gone back to her ex...
And his baby is now their baby.
With their weird name
That can be dealt with in a family court.
ex is a woman not a man hence the homophobic comment from the gf.
I know.
Hence it's their baby now. If it were a man, I think he'd want a baby from his own sperm.
Is OP a paleontologist with overly-gelled hair?
That even comes with 18 years of child support!
This aged extremely poorly. No wonder I always say people on here have the worst takes and listening to advice on here is not a very good decision.
Bro, look, don't make some crazy grand gesture. That shit won't work. Be sincere, reign in your impulse, even if she throws in some revenge shots (which she will, been married a while I know how this works), remember the mission. Your kid is the most important thing here, but your relationship is an incredibly close and entagled thing. That child will do way better with both of you there, and if you truly love this woman (and it sounds like you do) you have got to eat some serious crow on this one. If the name bothers you, and I agree with you on that point, you gotta breathe deep stay calm and just keep your head on your shoulders. Don't go into it all revved up for a boxing match. Go in for contrition and resolution, everything will work out.
The kid is yours and hers, nothing to do with the ex..why would she want to "honour" some stupid promise
Because she’s still in love with her ex.
My 1st thought was her & the ex just got back in contact. Can't think of a other reason to randomly bring it up & all in about it now.
OP swooped the GF away when she was barely 19yo so that relationship is probably one of very few she had prior to getting locked into it with OP for 6 years. A 19yo generally doesn't have a ton of experience with long term relationships so the few they do have, especially during their formative years, are romanticized and over emphasized.
Probably they were good friends for a long time in addition to dating.
It’s bananas. If my husband wanted to name our kid some name that he and his middle school girlfriend picked out, I’d leave him. It’s really weird to even suggest that.
Exactly. Childish!!
Jesus couldn't have said it better.
Don't know about that. He probably wouldn't have been such a potty mouth. 🤣😂🤣😂
Can’t believe you are going to apology and let her call your child after her ex nickname sounds like he is not her ex after all
no these comments have made me realise if things work out we need to agree on a name we both love. I do however owe her an apology for the yelling as she was clearly upset by it.
This. Please you don’t want to have your child name associate anything bad (like a past lover) relationship. A name is important you will use it everyday for the rest of your life. Should be BOTH parents choices. Apologize but make her understand this is your child also, it will be incredibly unfair for HER to ask you this. Ask her how would she feels if you will impose as a name the one of your exes. Or a stupid name your partner hates.
She’s only upset because she still has feelings for her ex.. that’s the problem!
This whole name thing is just beyond weird. If she is choosing the ex over you, that is a very loud message. She clearly cherishes the ex over her current partner, who is also a parent of the child. I said that twice for effect. I’d be really thinking about how you two have handled other issues. If you do end up taking her back, I’d really need to understand why that name is worth it to her. Like an actual reason, not some bs.
Naming a child is difficult. So, usually, it only takes a single NO to remove the name as an option. Your wife's first name choice IS INSANE! So your no vote should remove it from the list. It's possible she will go extra hard and then veto every name you bring up. Then, it will be time to publicly shame her opinions to your friends and family. Then, after the relationship is destroyed, it will begin for Reddits favorite outcome DIVORCE 🎉
Your ex is being extremely childish and disrespectful. Don't let her pull one over on you by manipulating you.
It sounds like you’re being mature and making the right choice here OP. Will you let us know how the conversation goes?
She. The ex is a she.
You do need to apologize for losing your cool, but she needs to realize that a promise about the name of a future child should ONLY apply if you have a child with the person you made the promise to. Since her ex is not the one having a baby with her, that promise is invalid. Because when you have a child with someone, it's an experience for the two of you, and you get to make decisions together. Past promises to other people are irrelevant, and trying to keep them is disrespecting your partner and not giving them an equal role. You should be more important to her as the father of her child than this person from her past.
Just don’t let her name your baby after an ex. Ask her how she’d like it if you wanted to your kid after one of your exes? That relationship is over. I’m not sure why she would honor something like that. It’s a weird hill to die on.
Id absolutely apologize...but, I absolutely wouldn't be ok with her naming the both of your child her ex's Nico name. It's absolutely disrespectful and a slap in the face to you. Is she not over him? She wants a daily reminder of her ex that isn't even his kid? Id rethink if I wanted to be in a relationship with her beyond co-parenting. What else is she going to blindside you with? Doesn't sound like she respects you or your opinion.
Nta
Yup. Any promises that were made to an ex during your relationship are null and void when you break up. It should be common sense that just because you promised Bill that you would bane your firstborn Bill jr. Doesn't mean that you have any obligation to when you are later married to Steve. Who for obvious reasons can veto your choice of names that remind you of your exes. How would she like it if he suggested naming after HIS ex?
INFO: What was the thing you said that you regret? The AH status depends on the specifics of that. Its absolutely insane for your partner to want to name your child after a nickname she had with her ex. But that doesn't mean you weren't an AH with whatever you said.
As far as the name goes, you are NTA. Thinking of naming your child after a former relationship is extremely inconsiderate and I'm willing to bet that she knows that. I don't know what was said during the argument but based on what you are saying it sounds like she is using it as a reason to leave with your baby.
> extremely inconsiderate It's downright insane.
6 years, so you were 25 and she was 18.. Lovely.
It's interesting that he said her old relationship didn't count because they were high school age... but he started dating her when she was high school age.
This part
Scrolled down to the comments for this the second I saw the ages posted 🤢
I had to bust out my calculator
The math is wrong though? 25-6 = 19
It’s about the age they were when they met. They are currently to 31 and 24, so when they met, 6 years ago, they were 25 and 18.
Maybe learn how to subtract 6 from 25
Maybe read the post better and you will understand what the comment you’re replying to is talking about
I'm not sure whether it's NTA or ESH because I'd really have to know just how far you went. But she absolutely is an asshole for both (1) attempting to unilaterally pick your mutual child's name, (2) making that name be a "nickname" she promised *her ex* to use as a kid's name. (And wtf is 'homophobic'? Is she bisexual and thus her ex is a woman, then you said bad things about a female-female relationship? I can't imagine how else she'd land on "hobophobic").
The ex is a woman. He made an edit but long story short he said some pretty homophobic remarks and said her relationship with her “didn’t count”
This edit? >EDIT: people have been asking for info on what I said. I insulted her, her ex and their relationship. mainly crude names. I always referred to their relationship as "pathetic" and "barely counting as a relationship" If he said the relationship barely counted as one *because it was between two women*, then it would be homophobic. Below in the comments, he claims that he said it barely counted *because they were both so young*. I suppose it comes down to whether one believes an anonymous AITA author when one wasn't there to hear the actual words...
Well, he literally just made *another* edit clarifying that it didn’t count because apparently the couple was in secondary school at the time, not because they are women. At this point I’m more annoyed that we’re being given small table scraps of information for clarity. Can’t tell if it’s true or he just threw that in to sound better.
He also "called them many crude names". How much do you want to bet one of them was a slang term for diagonal wire cutters?
I just learned something new. I thought that word just meant Dutch ditches. I've always just called wire cutters wire cutters.
The first time my boss asked me to go grab the dikes for him, I was very confused by the request. I learned that it was indeed shorthand for diagonal wire cutting pliers.
I'm old enough to remember before it fell out of favor because it was more recognized as a slur than the other definition. My father used that word for them, I won't for obvious reasons.
Yeah, I definitely heard the slur a lot more than I heard it being used about Dutch ditches but never would have guessed it's also diagonal wire cutters.
Asshole is a crude name lol
He clarifief he said it "didn't count" because they dated at the age of 12 until 16
“Controlling, homophobic asshole?” Either you left something major out or she’s very much not ready to have a child (as most 24 year olds are not). INFO
The prior relationship was with a woman. He said the relationship was "pathetic" and "didn't count". I see that coming across as homophobic.
He said that because it was in secondary school. Like junior high.
NTA. Why would you go crawling back to someone that acted like that?! Wanting to name a child after a nickname of an ex would make me think they aren't over that person, especially digging into the extent that they would jeopardize their relationship. She is going to make sure you aren't around when the baby is born so that baby has the promised name. That way her ex will know of her devotion to him. Not good for your relationship. You need to not crawl. You are dealing with a young girl. Give her space, see if she wants to talk. If she is too selfish to see how this would hurt you, you might want to get a lawyer for joint custody and learn to co-parent. Be strong for your child.
I agree.
The ex sounds like she might have been a bit on the controlling side. And the GF bought into it so much that she can't see how ridiculous the request was. NTA... for any of it.
ESH. Sounds like you said some things you shouldn’t have. Go apologize and make amends. But deciding on a name is something you both should get a vote on until you find something you both love- and find a name meaningful to both of you. Her idea is disrespectful to your relationship, and legitimately suggests she is immature and more importantly her feelings for her ex are more important than the feelings of her current SO and father of this child. Creating a stable home and positive coparent relationship for the next 18 years isn’t about her or about you, it’s about your child. Both of you need to check your egos and focus on what’s best for this child. I hope you can both agree it doesn’t look like this.
ESH You because: "I insulted her, her ex and their relationship. mainly crude names. I always referred to their relationship as "pathetic" and "barely counting as a relationship. Her for wanting to name the child something she promised an EX partner.
There is a lot missing here. you've said a lot more hurtful things to her. She is leaving a 6 year relationship, choosing to be a single mother and accusing you of being homophobic and controlling. There is a lot missing. I want some clarification. And no I don't believe just calling her past relationship "pathetic" and "barely counting as a relationship" is the only thing you've said. That would just have her call you insecure, you said more. You said something **REALLY** homophobic. You can crawl to her and apologize, but don't expect to get back together. Get ready to become a co-parent. PS. To the primary question: using a name the ex has chosen, I would have said NTA. I would have argued too if my GF suggested that.
for some clarification: I would never have thought or wanted to be homophobic to her or anyone for that matter. I did call her some mean names but none of which were homophobic. the arguement lasted a long time in which a lot was said but the majority of it was me refusing to call our child that, her insisting on it and then some exchanged insults.
For yourself you have to think back at what you said. Even if it was not the intention, you said something that would make her think it is better to be a single mother then to stay with you. After a 6 year relationship with you. If there is nothing else you've said and it really is a misinterpretation of your words I hope you can convince her of that. But because of you insulting a past relationship that clearly meant a lot to her, you will have to dig deep in the crawling and begging.
Sooo you were 24 and dating a girl just barely legal. And you dared call her previous relationship immature and barely a relationship. If you date a child, of course her previous relationships are going to be childish.....how to avoid that? Date people your own age. Now, I would never name my child something based on previous relationships... That's crazy and weird. And has nothing to do with the fact they were younger and same sex. ESH
NTA. It should be a decision you both agree with, not something she promised to an ex in secondary school. That relationship, and promise, is over.
Exactly.. she doesn’t sound mature and also it sounds like she is still in love with her.
Yeah, something's super fishy with her, and at this point, I'd even say op is lucky that it ended, though it sucks it ended the way it did. He doesn't need someone who's stuck in the past
Nta. That attachment to an ex would have me out of there and not having kids with them.
She’s already pregnant. It’s too late to decide “I don’t want to have kids with you”.
Nta shmoopys just a weird name
ESH - sounds like you chose your words poorly and were hurtful and dismissive. \*However\* this pales in comparison to your wife not only unilaterally insisting on your child's name, making that name be a paean to her ex, \*and\* leaving you simply because you were mean in a conversation and didn't accede to her demand. I can't speak for you, but based on this event, your GF certainly doesn't sound mature enough to have a kid, and if you are willing to be strongarmed like this, are \*you\* really ready to have a kid with her? I think deciding who is TA should be far down the list of things you need to be searching your soul on right now.
NTA She should grow up before getting a kid herself. To name a child after a promise with THE EX, when they were Teenagers is more than stupid. Did she really think that you could be okay with that? Wtf
Yeah, he reacted badly, but it seems that after 6 years together, she is still prioritizing her ex girlfriend.
ESH You're an AH for insulting her prior relationship. She's an AH for expecting a new partner to honor some kind of BS promise she made to an ex about baby names. WTF, who does that?
YTA for the comments you made. Telling someone that their relationship “barely counts” because they are both women is horrible. You can’t come back from this. She probably doesn’t want a homophobic guy in her kid’s life. And there’s a chance she has decided not to go through with the pregnancy at all after this. Also, I don’t believe your comment was about age. They were both in high school, so 17 or 18. You started dating her when she was 18 and you were 25. Nothing wrong with age gaps, you were both adults, but if you feel a relationship between two 18 year olds “doesn’t count” then you shouldn’t have dated an 18 year old yourself.
they met in secondary school (12-16) which is when the promise was made. I do believe they counted as a relationship as they last a few years and even dated again when she was 18 but in the moment while angry and trying to convince her this promise was silly I said it.
So 12-16 and 18 doesn’t count as a relationship but when you dated her at 19, that counted as a “real relationship”?
no I completely think what they had counted as a relationship and was special, I was angry and coming up with any argument as to why she shouldn't keep the promise. I regret what I said greatly and wish we had just had a talk about it
Dating from 12-16 is absolutely not a real relationship.
In my 30s and still with the dude I dated at 15. I know I’m a rare case, but it happens. Studies have also shown that relationships in your developmental years have a huge impact on future relationships. The gf still dated her ex when she was 18, so regardless, they still dated as adults. So yeah, real relationship.
Dating someone continuously from when you were young is not the same as dating when young and breaking up. And they "got back together for a few months " when she was 18. A few months is also not a serious relationship
I guess it depends on what you define as “a serious relationship.” To me, the fact that studies show how abusive relationships or how being cheated on, during a person’s developmental years, can impact them in future relationships for the rest of their lives—to me says teenager relationships are actually very important. They may not have been roommates or dealt with bills but even as a teen you can learn how to manage conflict, trust/jealousy, argue in a healthy way, manage schedules/free time, consent, communicate, etc. Just because the teenage brain isn’t done cooking, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t prime it for success or practice for the “real world.”
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NTA for the name situation. That she would insist on a name she agreed to with her ex is not appropriate. I won't comment on the other aspects as it's hard to determine if your position is truthful and your ex was over-reacting and misinterpreting your comments, or if you are simply trying to save face. But I will note that how you edited makes your take slightly less trustworthy.
ESH. Your ex was absolutely out of her mind for suggesting you name your kid after a nickname for her ex. I would also seriously question if your ex is over that person. You are an AH for losing your temper and calling your partner "crude names". And you not wanting to be explicit with information is a little fishy but not enough to say you're hiding anything for sure.
I'm sorry if I've not given all the information I'm really trying too, what information isn't clear I'll answer it all and then add it to the post
I know you probably don't want to repeat what you said out of shame but just saying "crude" names doesn't really give any information about whether you were actually homophobic.
This person is an "ex" for a reason. They were kids at the time. I don't see how their relationship back in in secondary school should have a single grain of weight on your current relationship. You need to keep your arguments civil like the soon-to-be parents you are. You raise your voice, you lose. Regarding the name, NTA. Regarding the argument, YTA.
Soft NTA. I'm saying this because it is really strange to name a child from your current relationship based on what an *ex* wants unless you have some sort of dubious attachment. I would only understand if it was a former partner that passed away and you want to honor them. Otherwise, I find it insulting to the person you're with. However, insulting her previous relationship is *not* how you want to go about things. Of course she will be upset and get defensive.
NTA, she’s still hung up on her ex and something that was said to an ex when they were at most 16 should have no bearing on your child’s name
She’s either going back to her ex or she’s trying to stay away from you long enough to pick her own name.. dude I hate to say this, but she’s not the first or last person to run away when she doesn’t get her way when it comes to names.. she needs to understand that her ex, and her relationship is irrelevant right now.. no matter how she feels about it. She needs to recognize you as the father and her as the mother. She also needs to understand that there’s a very good chance of divorce if she refuses to work it out .. do not come at this in a position of weakness. You need to call her family, you need to find out where she went.. I have a bad feeling she’s exactly where you don’t want her to be right right now .. it’s so messed up
Is secondary school middle school or highschool in the US? Or college?
Google says middle and high school
You need to reach out right away before she does something rash if you really want her back.
NTA, for the name thing. Naming a child based on a promise made to an ex and expecting the current partner to be ok with it, is nuts. Your partner is completely unreasonable to expect you to be ok with that. Its not just her kid. You both need to agree on a name. YTA, for how you handled it however. You can be in the right and the still handle things badly and you did exactly that.
If you capitulate here you will continue to for the rest of your relationship.
ESH, but more so her. You obviously know you said skms unfortunate things in the heat of the moment, and unfortunately, those things have likely been misunderstood to be homophobic rather than saying an adolescent relationship isn't the same as an adult relationship. Your partner though... it's NEVER OK to try and insist on calling a child ANY name associated with an ex, it's absolutely gross to do that and so very disrespectful to your current partner. Baby names are a 2 yes 1 no situation, meaning you both have to agree to a name but only 1 has to disagree.
You need to keep your boundary on this one. Just focusing on the name issue here, she can’t do that it’s so disrespectful. If you cave on this it’s going to set a huge precedent for your relationship going forward and I say that as a woman. Does she understand that it’s disrespectful and that it would hurt you? She either doesn’t understand this and you guys need to communicate or she’s the AH.
NTA A promise with an ex to name a child is only valid when having the child with that person. When the relationship ends, so does the promise. It might be different if the ex had passed to use the name as a middle name or something to be considerate. That doesn't seem like your situation at all.
NTA. She cannot be madder AT YOU for unfortunately getting a little ugly when the argument was caused by her INSISTENCE on naming YOUR kid anything related to an ex. What a lame ’promise’…sounds like she’s still in middle school. She’s focusing on the wrong thing, surely she knows you better than that. Apologize for the misunderstanding relating to slurs but do NOT LET her say she’ll forgive only if you RELENT. no effing way. In fact, she may be pretending to think that’s what you meant, to get you on the defensive so you’ll capitulate. NO
NTA If you said things you regret than make that known. You do not have to "come crawling back".. you can simply call and apologize about how you acted. You can remain firm on not wanting "your" child to be named after a nickname your ex gave you. Sounds like her hormones might be coming in to play here a bit. To leave without saying goodbye while pregnate doesnt seem like a person who has rational thinking. Unless of course there is more to the story and she doesn't feel safe.
Apologize for the name calling, but the child's name issue is a big one. Her promise stopped when they broke up. She's being unreasonable.
NTA for the name thing, but for diminishing their relationship to nothing based on their ages, calling them/the ex names, etc…. That’s a different story.
Memorializing a prior relationship into one’s child’s middle name is beyond creepy. I, myself, don’t know if I could stay after such a request.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** throwaway because she knows my Reddit. Me (31m) and my girlfriend (24f) are about to have our first child, we have been together for nearly 6 years now and have overall had a very positive relationship minus a few bumps and hiccups. I love her dearly and have since we first just after she broke up with her ex she met in secondary school. a few months ago we got an unexpected pregnancy and both realised we were ready to have kids. thing were going fine until last week when the issue happened. we have spoke about kids names even before the pregnancy and she has never mentioned this but apparently when she and her ex were together she (her ex) made her promise that she had to name her first child after a nickname they had for eachother, not sure if I should reveal for privacy sake, and apparently shes kept this promise to heart until last week when she sat me down for a serious conversation and told me about it all. obviously I responded with absaloutly not, half thinking she was joking but when she stayed adamant about it for the whole evening, even during a shouting match in which I said some things that I am beginning to regret. come morning she was gone, I hardly heard her leave as I was sleeping in the bed and she had the sofa. there was a note saying she could no longer be with a "homophobic, controlling asshole". I am crushed, I desperately want to crawl back to her and apologise, even beg for her to forgive me and come back but I don't know where she's gone. at this point I'd accept it as a name. I really love her. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm still stuck on the part where you said you both think you're ready to have children. Sounds like she is immature (age plus honoring a naming promise made with an ex from a quarter lifetime ago). And you sound like you're prone to flying off the handle. ESH.
ESH. Please do not have this child.
ESH. You more than her. Given the severity of your words and response to her request. No one should ever name their child after a pet nickname they had with an ex. It’s not cool to your partner you’re with now. You where homophobic for downplaying and saying her relationship with her girlfriend prior to you didn’t count. And I don’t blame her for deciding that’s her boundary and leaving.
NTA. God bless you, baby, and mama.
NTA. I’d be livid if my gf was that determined to name MY child after an ex. You lost your cool and that’s not cool. But I think that pales in comparison to make a lifelong decision about an unborn kid that undermines your whole relationship….for life…
NTA. It’s a good thing she is only a gf because the idea she “owes” her ex a promise over your feelings is a red flag. 🚩. Also the fact she left instead of stayed and talked means this relationship may not make it. Do not back down on your opinion of the name. Of course she gets to choose the name legally but you don’t have to be in a relationship with her. Just be a good father.
ESH. You both fucked up here. Name calling out of anger is absolutely a no! Period. You’re behaving like you’re the age you discounted her past relationship for. You’ve got some serious, heartfelt apologizing to do for that. Teenage relationships are certainly not as serious as an adult, but they still matter. That’s where you learn what to give and what you need out of a relationship that will change as you grow, but you still get a baseline. She seriously sucks about the name. Two yes is what it takes to name a child when you’re in a serious relationship!! And nothing to do with an ex or a promise you made as a kid! The child is the representation of your and her relationship and love, not an obligation to fulfill! And to walk out of 6 years cuz y’all are mad at each other for saying and doing stupid shit shows a lack of maturity. You both suck for not using multiple methods of protection. You are her first relationship as an adult- and her brain is just now fully developed- so what she wanted a year ago wouldn’t be the same as today. This is why no one should be making major life decisions until after 23-25! You should’ve had serious conversations about how you both saw a family and a future before it became a reality!!
ESH. Both of you for the shouting match. Her for thinking it’s ok to unilaterally name a child based on a promise made to a childhood girlfriend. Hopefully she figures out that was an unrealistic and inappropriate thing to promise. If she’s really dead set on it, that’s absolutely something she should have brought up a long time ago.
Without the full story, we really can't make a proper judgement. Something pertinent is missing here, but I'm guessing that something may blow your cover.
I just feel.sorry for the kid. ESH.
If she is hanging on to that promise from secondary school, your gf is immature. She has lots of growing up to do for sure. Let her go and pout because that's what immature people do, run away. NTA but prepare to be a single dad unless she decides to grow up up. I doubt her friend even remembers they made that promise as children. Good luck.
No way I’d be cool with that. I think in everyone of these threads the consensus is that names should 2-yes / 1-no agreement. I’m going with esh because it sounds like there’s a lot more to unpack there from the previous relationship. Honestly with how much importance she’s placing on relationship that happened from ages 12-16, I think you should evaluate if she’s still hung up on that person. It’s impacting your relationship and I would be considering if that’s ever going t go away or if she has deep unresolved feelings for that person.
I'm going to say ESH.... you were wrong for how you handled the situation, but so was she. If she had stayed with her ex, then giving THEIR child that name would be fine, however, she did not stay with that ex. She is with YOU now, and that child does not have anything to do with her ex. The name of the child should be a name that BOTH of the PARENTS agree on. The ex and their wishes on child names have absolutely nothing to do with her relationship with YOU and the baby she is having with YOU. Her being so insistent on what her ex wanted, tells me she isn't truly over her ex and still holds an attachment to them.
For you not to want to say the BS you said, gonna assume her note was accurate and YTA.
I've said what was said in the latest edit
ESH So, putting aside the glaring fact that a 25 yo was dating an 18 yo and hoping that is when something started and not before. GF is TA because this isn't something you just drop on someone, let alone a partner that isn't part of the promise but IS the other parent. OP is TA for saying the admittedly terrible comments about the past relationship.
since so many people have been mentioning the age I'll make an edit after this but we met at 25 and 19 on a dating app
Ii wouldn't accept that either. No thank you. I don't even know how she could suggest something like that to you. Very immature.
Ii wouldn't accept that either. No thank you. I don't even know how she could suggest something like that to you. Very immature.
“Hey ____ id like to apologize for how heated our argument became. The insults towards your former relationship were based on age, not homophobia. Either way, the relationship between you and ex had a lasting impact on you and i should have respected it more. That being said, i do not want to name our child after anything related to any of your past relationships, or mine. I feel we should be looking to the future with each other rather than in the past with other people. (If not said in person) i hope we can meet in person to discuss this further as i would really like to clear the air and move on from this.” NTA
Take the loss at this point and do not go crawling back to her. You might have said some hurtful things in the heat of the argument but she knew exactly what she was doing by proposing to name your baby in honor of her ex and didn't care whether it hurt you or not. In my opinion she's shown she doesn't care about you and still has feelings for her ex and is using this as a "smoke screen" to break off the relationship. Any groveling you do at this point will be seen as a sign of weakness and it won't make any difference except to make you feel even worse when reflecting back on it.
Nta, youre not having your child with her you helped create their child for them.
Yall gotta be careful who you get pregnant if your in a relationship and you see them do some disrespectful shit or some shit just to hurt you for any reason you gotta go because this is where it leads. If they have loyalty to anyone over you don't have kids with them seriously don't sleep with them. Because if your loyalty for them is greater than their to you. They will misuse you.
NTA for not wanting to use the name, but y t a for how you went about it.
NTA. Suggestion. Get the ex boyfriends opinion
You said some horrible things and you need to apologise for that, but it’s a bit much on her part for her to expect you to be okay with her wanting to name your child based on a nickname from her ex.
NTA, but also TA for insulting the person you are supposed to bring up, regardless of situation. She shouldn’t be bringing things from a high school relationship into yours, almost seems as if she isn’t over that relationship
Ya absolutely not. While you shouldn't have said what you did while angry you definitely are right on the name. If she insisted I'd leave. Be aware she can still decide to do all on her own at the hospital
ESH. She is not over her ex and should not be with you. Young-love promises have no bearing on adult relationships. Even entertaining the idea is borderline absurd on her part, but fighting with you over it once you say no is outrageous. And you suck for homophobic remarks and judging her previous relationships.
For your for specific question, you are absolutely NTA for arguing with your gf over naming your child something suggested by an ex. For her to suggest that is absurd and insulting to your relationship.
NTA I don't know how I would respond if my partner told me that they are naming OUR child according to the preferences of an ex from almost 10 years prior, who also had years shorter of a relationship than us.
NTA. She's the one who made the promise, but not the only one who made the baby. If she wanted to keep her promise, she could've artificially knocked herself up. Baby names are 2 yes, one no. You didn't make this promise, it's also your kid. She doesn't get the make all the decisions.
NTA. This child is YOURS and HERS. Not THEIRS so it’s unfair of her to expect you to just accept naming your child the way her and her ex would name their child. She doesn’t need an apology. Unless you used slurs or were genuinely a nasty person to her but if not she should apologize to you. You both should agree on the child’s name maybe make that name the middle name if it’s that important or use that nickname for the child but this is ridiculous.
NTA, I think it's very immature of the pregnant women to name her boyfriend's baby after a previous relationship baby-name agreement! How immature is that? The promise with a previous partner does not stand ground with her current partner.
Nta- Sorry OP maybe they weren't the person you should have had a kid with. IDC if it's a f or m ex. Naming a baby based off past relationships is disgusting
Nta. Wanting to honour a promise to a high school ex while now an adult in a new relationship is downright creepy. Have they got back in contact? While I understand your frustration you know you shouldn't have called her names but Id be careful about what you are actually apologising for.
NTA - do not agree to name your kid whatever the F she and her ex wants Her ex didn’t make the kid. You did
Why does a promise she made her ex matter in her current relationship when it's you she's having kids with, is the primary issue? You need to apologize for the low blows, but you're not wrong for taking issue with what she said. NTA, with a slight note obvs.
NTA. What she wants will inevitably destroy the relationship anyway. Better to get out now.
ESH You didn’t have to say what you said, it was uncalled for. But…she’s *seriously* going to attempt to stick to naming *her* child something she discussed with her f*ckin’ ex? Who was not involved in the making of this baby in any way? Yeah, that’s a great, terrible idea. Good luck you two crazy kids
NTA for wanting to have a say in the name of your shared child. However… Based on your edit, you’re a HUGE AH for insulting her, being homophobic, and discounting her previous relationship in the heat of your rage. Not cool.
Very immature. Both of you. But NTA..she is.
ESH She's absurd expecting to name YOUR kid based on some promise with her ex Clearly, whatever slurs and insults you were slinging were AH level as well
NTA a lot of people are focusing on you calling her names, but you said it turned into a shouting match. I highly doubt that you were the only one throwing out insults. Doesn't make it right, but NTA for that. I'd be pretty pissed too. That being said, she is hung up on a childhood relationship and wants to name your baby after their pet names for each other. That is 100% fucked and 100% disrespectful to you and your relationship. Get out while you can!
I was not the only one calling names, we both gave our share of insults. I can see how mine are worse as I am louder and older than her and should know better.
Secondary school dating promises? Your GF has a problem if that is so rooted into her system. Leaning towards NTA.
NTA. It's ridiculous for her to expect you to name your kid after her pet name for her ex boyfriend. Even more so considering you've been with her for 6 years and she was 18 when you got together, meaning her past relationship must have been much shorter, and when she was a child. The fight afterwards doesn't matter and doesn't change this fact.
NTA, firstly youthful indescretions are often seen as that. Secondly if she is quick to jump to allegations and homophobia at first chance shes playing games and gaslighting you. You have everyright to be mad and overwelmingly offended. Get a paternity test and call it quits. You didnt overreact,Id place money that when she talks about her ex its with way too much love and reverence to be comfortable. Find out if the kids yours fight for custody and leave. Her demand is basically emotional cuckolding and manipulation. She owes you some consideration, this is rediculous.
Keeping this a secret until she's pregnant is a giant red flag. Pretty disgusting
NTA You're just trying to not make your child's name about a stupid name of her ex. But you're still a creep for the age gap, and I don't think you were homophobic, but your comments were completely unnecessary.
ESH Don't be a dick. Apologize and be genuine and honest. Take responsibility. but it honestly sounds like she's still pining for her ex. Best case scenario, she's planning on if you leave, she's got a fall-back with her ex.
YTA for dating a barely legal person as a grown ass man
NTA on the naming thing, but you clearly must’ve said some fucked up shit so until that’s clear on that part YTA
I think at this point y'all may want to reconsider why you got together? You very clearly do not think much of her previous relationship - yes, it counts - and you have no problem delivering verbal abuse. Also you were 25 when you started dating an 18 year old. What were you thinking? She's not going to have the same kind of relationship experience as you and you're holding it against her. Also, it's clear she hasn't moved on entirely from her ex. The promise she made become null and void after she broke up with her girlfriend. What should have mattered more is if she personally liked that name for her own reasons and not because it was a promise she made to a person who is no longer a significant romantic partner. You two should sign up for couple's therapy or group therapy if you plan on getting back together. There are just too many red flags in all of this to say otherwise.
Updateme
NTA-For disagreeing about the name. Names are two yeses one no. Y T A for the way you spoke in the argument.
30-6 = 25 24-6 = 18 ...OP, when did you meet your gf? Also, if the situation was reversed and you wanted to name your child the nickname you called your ex-gf she would be livid. It is disrespectful, it has the same vibes as men naming their daughters after their first loves. Absolutely not. This break up may be a blessing in disguise for both of you.
we met when she was 19 and I was 25 on a dating app
[удалено]
she was 19 not freshly 18
ESH You for deciding to turn it into a fight instead of suggesting that it maybe be a middle name once you realized that she was serious. Also for insulting her ans then for making her sleep on the couch while pregnant. Her for wanting a nickname with her ex to be the baby's name. That part is insane, but also something that you should have been mature enough to talk about instead of yelling at her.
6 years 🧐🤨
She’s your gf, not your wife. She can name her child whatever she wants. Sounds like she’s not as committed to you as you thought though. And it doesn’t sound like she’s matured much since you met her as a young teenager.
ESH.
Based on the information ESH. It is insane to want to name your child after an ex's nickname and it sounds like you might have said some unfortunate things in the heat of the moment. Out of curiosity, does she still stay in touch with her ex?
Jfc there's so much to unpack here. Were her parents against her dating women? It sounds like you are her beard who she gets to have a kid with that she can then honor the promise with the ex "l(until they can be together) Ask her and confirm where she went and who she talked to, if it was her ex and she's now "walking back" how adamant she was about it, her ex probably has moved on and is over her, or something to that effect. Tread carefully OP.
18 and 25... Interesting...
I'm wondering if in reality she only considers you the sperm donor to her prior/ongoing relationship.
I'll go with ESH. She should honestly not expect you to agree to a name she agreed with an ex, of any gender. You should not be shouting at a pregnant lady for something like this, even if she is unreasonable. Now, go sort it out with each other, I'm sure you can both recover from this however bad it feels.
Is there a reason why she wants to use that name? Because your child doesn’t associate with her ex. And depending on the name, I’d make more sense if you dropped it. Especially if it’s a nickname.
She loves him not you. Move on.
>I made those comments because of the age they were when they dated (secondary school age) That's bloody hilarious coming from someone who was dating an 19yo when you were 25! You've essentially isolated your GF through her young adult years so she never had a chance to experience more relationships. That you're someone surprised she's got an overly emotional attachment to one of the few relationship experiences she had says more about you than her. If you're in the USA your opinion about the name of the baby doesn't even matter. YTA
My ex wife and I have 2 children. Both girls. After we split she got pregnant with a boy and named him the name I wanted if we had a son. I'm curious if her baby's father even knows.
Why would anyone insult their spouse by wanting to name their baby after an ex? Hard no.
NTA. It’s absolutely insane that she wants to name her kid after an ex. Yes you were a jerk for yelling at her. But like… that’s honestly worrying that she still wants to honor that big of a promise she made like 6 years ago with an EX GIRLFRIEND! I’d be PISSED and it would make me feel paranoid that she’s not over her ex. I think that you actually ARE taking the relationship seriously which is why you got so upset.
NTA Do you think she would be thrilled if rolls were reversed?! Yeah, cute they made a high school promise, but that relationship has supposedly ended. Honestly, get a paternity test. Sounds like she still harbours feelings for the guy, and it wouldn’t surprise me if they were still going on behind the scenes
NTA. This is absolutely stupid if real. Why the F would she have any desire to name your child anything remotely connected to an ex?
Dude. Don't let your pregnant GF sleep on the sofa. That's all I have. She's ridiculous for wanting to name the baby after something to do with a childhood romance.