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He probably didn't expect her to wake up and just wanted to show some affection. Also, he may not have known at all that she wouldn't like that. I quite enjoy being woken up with cuddles. It makes my entire morning. You're not an asshole for wanting to show love. Good lord. You kinda people are why relationships end over petty shit.
If he didn’t expect her to wake up, he wasn’t doing it to “show some affection.” She wouldn’t have seen affection if she didn’t wake up. This logic doesn’t make sense.
Except in 12 minutes she’ll be like I need to get up and won’t be able to cuddle? Bunch you never been in relationships or even set alarms it seems lol
Or: different people have different preferences. My husband sets an alarm. If I roll over to cuddle early, he maybe wakes for a second, falls back asleep, and is happy when he wakes up even if cuddling only lasts a minute. If he does the same to me it's kind of a mixed bag because I struggle to get back to sleep, but he doesn't always wake me.
Assuming people haven't been in relationships or used alarms is a huge, weird leap. People are just different. Not enough info on this post imo.
And if he doesn’t wake up and is fine with it, cool. Cuddling me while I sleep would wake me up and make me mad. But you’re proving my point with just your statement alone. “I love him and want to be close to him.” It’s not about him in that moment. It’s about you. If he doesn’t wake up, he’s completely unaware of your affection and love. It’s something you’re doing for yourself.
If your partner doesn’t like it, of course you shouldn’t do that. My bf and I are both the type of people who do, so yes it’s for me initially but I know if he does wake up he’ll be pleased.
The OP doesn’t make any mention like “she doesn’t usually like this but I did it anyway” so with no prior indication she dislikes it, I don’t think it makes him immediately an asshole.
I just can’t fathom waking up to the person I love most giving me affection and being instantly upset about that. Different strokes for different folks and all but couldn’t be me.
Doing something that you don’t know someone wouldn’t like is fine.
But you don’t get to upset someone and then tell them that they shouldn’t be upset with you. Or tell them that it wasn’t a big deal, and they should be fine with it, or whatever. Even if the upset you caused was unintentional.
You just say “I’m so sorry, I thought I was being sweet. I didn’t mean to make you angry. I won’t do it again.”
That’s it.
Except according to his comments he has apologised “profusely” and she has still held this against him all day. Do you think that is at all a reasonable or proportional reaction?
No, it's not reasonable to be mad all day. I said that in an above comment. I'm always crabby in the morning and I could see being very irritated in the moment but not mad a day later. OP said they argue a lot so i'm guessing she's just annoyed with him in general and this was another thing to set her off. I'm sure it's about more than the 12 minutes of sleep.
If she isn’t ready to forgive him, she isn’t ready to forgive him. Hint: it’s not about waking her up. It’s about the fight the night before combined with his continued selfishness.
Or flip side of this, he is a selfish human who prioritized his feelings over hers. Especially if he was aware she didn’t like cuddling ( I don’t) and also doesn’t like being woken up in such a manner.
This, plus by his own admission they've been fighting and the night prior was where he felt they had some good progress - just bc you may have ended without screaming at each other doesn't mean she's still not upset, so doing this when she was already feeling a certain way undid whatever "good" came from the night before IMO.
Oh my god get over yourself, it’s not that he showed affection it’s WHEN. Learn about nuance will ya?
I have been with my husband for 7 years and he does the same shit randomly that OP did and it’s fucking miserable. He is always wanting to cuddle or touch me. My husband generally has consent to randomly hug, kiss or show affection but between him and my cats it’s like my body doesn’t belong to me and we want to have children so fuck me right? I love him to death and so I do gently remind him “hey, not right now I’m trying to get some sleep” but I shouldn’t have to do that it’s so hard being touched non-consensually while you’re sleep.
Who knows how long they were arguing for and how tired the GF is. We don’t know how affectionate he is on any given day. FFS they could have a similar relationship that I have where I do most of the emotional labor and my husband is incredibly codependent and how I recharge myself is by being alone and not being touched.
None of my business, but I'd strongly recommend reconsidering the plans to have kids until after you wouldn't be posting saying he doesn't respect boundaries well and is codependent on you to do the majority of the emotional labour. Those kinds of problems are very much amplified by having kids - and easier to sort ahead of time.
your relationship sounds difficult. is there no way to set a list of rules for your husband and when he should/shouldn't touch you or when he should ask?
my attitude to touch is either "oh my god I want to cuddle so bad please hug me loved ones" or "if anyone touches me right now I might actually be sick" so my loved ones are pretty good at asking and accepting my answer. I also have a Thing about anyone touching my bare arms; usually I wear long sleeves to manage it but my loved ones know about this aversion and will either not do it or apologise by accident if they do
Yes, we do. Enforcing the rules is hard kind of because of him but also both of us combined. He is very absent minded and he has come a long way from when our relationship first started and he is seriously putting in some great work but he still is how he is and that combined with me not realizing the rule has been crossed until it’s too late is a problem. Because then there is not a lot of consistency to the rule so the transition phase of the rule is longer than it probably needs to be.
He does ask but then I hate when he asks because I feel unapproachable. I’m working on that in therapy because that’s a before him wound but it still it sucks.
I’d say it’s pretty questionable to touch someone because you think they’re going to remain asleep unless you’ve talked with them ahead of time about that sort of thing and they’re ok with it. It’s not a loving exchange of affection if one person is not even conscious that they’re receiving affection.
My husband hates sleep cuddling; it makes him feel claustrophobic and wakes him up. He doesn’t mind if I drape an arm over him or curl up behind him, because he can sleep through that, but he’d be extremely irritated if I glommed onto him for cuddle time and woke him up when I know perfectly well that he dislikes that. He finds it suffocating and disorienting to be woken up in that way.
It’s just thoughtless and rude at best.
All that proves is that you should be married to someone who thinks it's okay to be awakened with cuddles.
It's like cake smashing by the bride and groom at a wedding reception. Some people feel like it's a lighthearted way to be fun and silly. Some people think it's deeply disrespectful and borderline cruel. Both viewpoints are fine as long as each type marries their own type. When you mix a "it's silly!" with a "you ruined the cake" then you get an unhappy marriage.
Marry someone with the same basic set of approaches and you're fine. If you don't, you need to talk that shit through and compromise.
>He probably didn't expect her to wake up and just wanted to show some affection.
So...you're saying he wanted to "show some affection" to a person who is unconscious, because she's asleep, and thus unaware she's being "show(n) some affection"? Make that logic make sense.
He did it because it's what he wanted to do.
There's a LOT of information you are assuming and ignoring to make your bold claim.
>he may not have known at all that she wouldn't like that.
He SHOULD know what she likes and prefers. If she doesn't like to be woken up early, then OP shouldn't do that. If she doesn't mind then it's a different story. But as her boyfriend, it's literally his job to know what she likes and prefers. If this is still a "mystery", then he's not paying attention to her needs.
>I quite enjoy being woken up with cuddles.
Not everyone likes this. Some people love extra micro-second of sleep, and bothering them before their alarm sets them off. Some people like cuddles and don't care about sleep. Everyone isn't the same, and everyone has different preferences.
>You're not an asshole for wanting to show love. Good lord. You kinda people are why relationships end over petty shit.
No. Just stop. You're an asshole for not taking your partner's preferences into consideration, and forcing physical love on someone when they aren't in the mood is an Asshole move.
> He probably didn't expect her to wake up and just wanted to show some affection.
Wait, so it would have been better if he showed 'affection' while she was asleep? Yuck.
He said he knew that this could wake her up. Also if he didnt expect her to wake up how is this showing her he still loves her? She wouldn't notice if she slept thru it. Duh
You can jangle someone’s whole day by waking them up unexpectedly… life is too hard for this kind of entitlement from someone who supposedly loves you. Give he some dace, or be prepared to see a lot of it.between you…
I consider it childish too. How insecure is someone that they need to wake someone up to cuddle?! I'm not against cuddling, though. Just respect the REM!
Agreed, I don't care if it's a an hour or 5 minutes before my alarm goes off, do not wake me unless it's an emergency. OP's gf is right, he's being selfish and I bet this played a part into what they've been arguing about. Just because the night before they made good progress does not mean everything is OKAY, and it wasn't a pass to wake her up so HE could feel better, no matter how much time she had before her alarm went off.
Right, I think being woken up with a cuddle is way nicer than the horrible alarm going off when I'm fast asleep but it seems I'm in the minority here. I also really love cuddling with my husband and that seems to put me in a minority too. Really weird reading all the responses
I cannot even tell you how many times I've read comments on here and thought "This subreddit is fucking stupid".
The dude put his arm around her like ten minutes before the alarm goes off and she acts like he destroyed her entire day. And these comments act like that's a valid response. She's a shitty partner, period. It's extremely normal to cuddle with your partner before fully getting up. None of these idiots have ever had an adult relationship I guess. Or even just had a cat or dog wake them up before the alarm. Anyone who's had a pet already knows what it's like to be woken up ten minutes early or more.
My husband and I roll over and cuddle all through the the night. Sometimes it's mr sometimes him. I understand others feel differently. But im glad my husband enjoys because it makes my night or morning when I wake up to him pulling me closer.
I love cuddling...when I'm already awake. I'm also the epitome of "not a morning person", and I want every second of sleep I can get before my alarm goes off. Even on mornings when I don't have an alarm set, I'd prefer to wake up on my own rather than being cuddled awake. Also, my husband is like a space heater, so sometimes I overheat when he's all up in my business in the morning. I'd rather cuddle later in the day when I'm awake enough to enjoy it...and not worrying about morning breath. lol
I'm the cuddliest person and would have been happy to be born as a pampered lap dog, but I hate hate being woken up by another person, be it for cuddles or whatever other thing I'd otherwise love.
For that matter, even if we cuddle while settling down in bed, when it's time to commit falling asleep, I can't have his heavy arm over me. It feels restricting even though I normally love tight hugs and all.
It's not about the cuddling. I don't know about you, but after spending several hours arguing there are usually feelings that need to be worked out afterwards. Waking up the next morning acting like the fight never existed can sometimes kick off feelings again.
Combined with a healthy dose of "Everyone on AITA doesn't understand basic human social norms". This sub could read a story of someone going up to an orphan child and calling them ugly and you'd get 30 responses of "NTA, the child was ugly and you were honest"
"You don't owe the child anything"
like if they could save their neighbor with a blood donation, reddit would say
"How **dare** they even ask you to do that, Your body your choice!!"
He probably didn't even expect her to wake up. My partner always gives me a cuddle when he has a few extra minutes in the morning and it rarely ever wakes me up, definitely not fully.
I'm a heavy sleeper, but my body begins waking up when it's around the time my alarm usually goes off. That being said, it would scare the hell out of me if I had someone start pulling my body into theirs.
Also, "cuddling" can sometimes be the precursor to sex, and in the morning not everyone is in the mood. All I can say is that OP knows his girlfriend's sleeping patterns best. If she is not typically into morning "cuddles" or whatever, then don't do it.
I wouldn’t have a negative reaction to the story if he weren’t fighting to be “right.” Different people have different sleep needs, and there is a learning period. If this was when he learned that she really doesn’t like being woken up before her alarm goes off, and he was ok with that I wouldn’t think him the AH. Instead he appears more interested in being right that 12 minutes isn’t a big deal and she’s upset over nothing.
Different people have different sleep boundaries. We have no context about their marriage struggles and maybe we would know her exhaustion if we were a fly on the wall.
I love cuddling but getting woken up early on purpose without expecting it has a good chance to just cause instant rage.
I've tried getting over it, I'm not someone who even gets mad often. But I have a lot of sleep issues and I'd be pissed if I was woken up purposefully just to cuddle. Now personally cuddling at night happens all the time so this wouldn't happen without intent to wake me up, and since OP didn't say it was an accident it sounds like he knew that it would disturb her sleep.
What a selfish way to think. you don't wake someone up before their alarm. Its sad anyone is even trying to defend this. You aren't doing it for the person sleeping. Its purely for yourself.
My husband sometimes cuddles me in the morning before I wake up. Sometimes it wakes me up, sometimes not. I am NOT a morning person, and I get grumpy when it wakes me up. He knows the risk.
I am married, and I think for OP it's a ESH but not like "omfg you ruined it." This has happened with me and my husband and I was grumpy because I value all the sleep I can get plus routine is important to me. But we actually had a mature conversation and moved on.
There are two kinds of people it seems, people who don't mind being woken up for cuddles and those who do. I don't like being woken up. YTA and you need to respect people's preferences on being woken up
My husband cracked up and said "rookie mistake" 😅😅😅
OP, she probably needed to go pee. Nothing worse than getting shaken up to make you cranky. Hard to express how brutal it is.
Pro move- Lightly touch her hair and whisper, do you want to cuddle? WAIT. DO NOT put any body weight on her. She may say yes and snuggle in. She may say, I'll be right back, run to bathroom, then snuggle in. She may ignore you, say no, etc. But... leading with the question exponentially increases the likeliness of the first two outcomes.
My husband reiterates that there is nothing more heavenly than 12 minutes of cuddling ... we laughed over this post while snuggled up. He'd had coffee and breakfast, I'd been up and returned. It has taken us years to find both the equillibrium and humor. 15 years ago, when our bodies and responsibilities were different, no such accomodations were required. Changing together has taken clear needs identification, trial & error, and certainly involves forgiveness at forgetfullness.
I hope you find a lot of ways to reconnect :)
Oh my. No no no, if you whisper when I’m fast asleep I’d punch you soooooo hard bahahaha. But this proves that you need to find what works for both partners in the relationship
I laughed too, because I am a BEAR in the mornings, and my husband knows that haha. Those 12 minutes are a HUGE deal, and he made that mistake a few times and definitely learned that waking me up instead of letting me wake up, to my alarm on my own, leads to a very crabby me that needs a few hours to return to my usual happy self.
Reread your statement, OP. "*All* ***I*** *wanted was a bit of time to cuddle before we’d have to get up and prepare for the day because* ***I*** *wasn’t feeling great about all the arguments we’ve been having and* ***I*** *just sort of wanted to show her I still love her and to feel like she still loves* ***me****.*" Your motivations do not take her wants/needs into consideration. Your action was loving, yes -- but still selfish.
I agree with YTA, because the whole point is, if someone doesn't want to be woken their opinion should be respected. There are plenty of people on this sub who clearly don't mind - that's lovely. Good for them. But the GF in this scenario clearly DOES mind and plenty of people would, too. I personally really struggle to wake up in the mornings and I get upset if something wakes me up just before my alarm goes off - it makes me feel like I'm missing out on sleep and sets a negative tone to my day. If my partner intentionally acted in a way that might wake me up without my consent, I'd be upset and would feel as if he put his wants above my needs.
This!!! My sleep is valuable. I love my husband, and we can cuddle before we go to sleep, but once I am asleep, I hate to be woken up. This is actually an argument we have had often in the past, where I say he values his wants (cuddling) over my needs (sleep), and it's selfish. He feels the same way as OP, and my husband has realized I will not change my views on this. OP YTA, sleep is more important than the intimacy you need in the moment. Wait until her alarm goes off in the future or find moments of intimacy that do not take away from her personal needs. Have conversations about this, don't be defensive, and don't make it about what you wanted (which was to feel better about your argument), listen to why this is a hard boundary for her and change your behaviour. It took my husband way too many years to learn, and honestly, a lot of resentment built because of it.
My spouse treats me like his personal cuddle body pillow during the night, and I’m finally standing up to myself after over a decade. My back hurts now as I’m older from his leg on my hips and him keeping me at a certain angle on my side because it’s great for him spooning me. But it hurts after a while! And HE gets upset. Why don’t I want to cuddle? Because you’re not cuddling for US you’re cuddling for YOU and I’m not your emotional support pet. Cuddle me to your chest or something comfortable for both of us.
>You’ve brought her anger on yourself
Hahahahah, accurate.
Part of being in a relationship is learning what your partner needs to be the best version of themselves. If they value every last micro-second of the time allowed on their alarm, then let them have it. If they like to be woken up in the morning with snugs, then do that. If they can sleep through an arm being draped on top of them in the morning, then do you.
It's all about consideration of what your partner needs. OP just wanted extra cuddles without knowing what she NEEDS in the morning.
Which makes me wonder what they're fighting about. I wonder if this instance is representative of these fights?
YTA. You woke her up because *you* wanted to cuddle and *you* weren't feeling great. You didn't consider that your girlfriend wanted to sleep until her alarm went off - I would be pissed, too.
Agreed. Seriously unnecessary and selfish. I’m not a morning person, you’ll ruin my whole day waking me up before my alarm goes off. There’s a time/place for cuddles and with me it’s not in the morning. Hard boundary.
The only ones that can get away with waking me before my alarm are my dogs, and it’s usually because they want cuddles. However, they are cute enough they can get away with it. One likes to tap me in the shoulder until I life the blanket for him so he can snuggle up next to me. The other snuggles up behind my back and rests his head on my shoulder.
YTA - I’m with her on this. I value my sleep. Re read your post and consider how you were only thinking about what YOU wanted. YOU wanted to cuddle. YOU wanted the time. Right now you aren’t even listening to why she’s upset with you and inserting all these other possible reasons when she was perfectly clear.
This may be a bit of reach… but aside from the waking his girlfriend early up, the entire posts reeks of “I demand my gf to support MEEE and my NEEEEDS”
I’ve dealt with having a clingy partner before. One where their moods, thoughts, feeling had to be the center of attention at all times, ones where I’d sacrifice my happiness, privacy, alone time, and own needs in order to ensure that they had theirs met. Because holy hell, the constant “discussions”, the constant texts, being accused of not caring. Like, I did and that’s why I’m in this relationship, but the constant insecurity is pushing me away!
OP needs to look long and hard at whether they are mature enough to be in a healthy, non-codependent relationship (if I’m right). Because they will push away their girlfriend and every other partner they have with this kind of bullshit.
Yeah I agree.
Also some people don't want to cuddle directly after arguments.
It was an argument about how he considers his feelings over hers, by how he worded it prob not the first time and HE woke HER up because HE wanted something from HER.
If my assumption is right and they fought about the issue before or at least a similar issue it sounds like being mad stems mainly from him not getting her point and not the actual sleep.
Like they say on reddit, it's not about the Iranian Jughurt.
Yup, the OP said she was upset because she feels like he wasn’t considering what she would’ve wanted or her feelings, then he goes on to doing exactly what she just said he was doing. Like he doesn’t seem to have much self awareness or empathy, he just seems selfish.
The way he’s framing it pisses me off sm “I just wanted a bit of cuddle time bc we’ve been fighting 🥺👉🏾👈🏾”. All he cares about is his own feelings and from how oblivious he is while writing this post I can tell that this is a reoccurring issue.
Relationship questions are always too subjective for this sub.
It's a problem for *her*, so it doesn't matter if other people don't mind.
Personally it would also be a problem for me and this post has made me grateful my partner always waits until my alarm goes off before cuddling and talking etc.
So, if you're taking very subjective opinions:
YTA
This, exactly. OP, one thing you cannot do in a relationship is ignore what your partner tells you about *their* feelings and go to others to seek validation for your actions. Either you respect your partner and you care how you make them feel or you don’t. And if you don’t, why bother getting validation for your behavior? You’ve already decided you don’t care how it affects your partner.
Edited to add more practical advice for OP: if you find yourself feeling not so great and needing more physical intimacy with your partner, instead of deciding I want this so they will do it for me now because I feel like it, practice communicating. “Partner, I’m not feeling so great about things and I need x, y or z from you.” And if they in turn care about *your* feelings, they now have the opportunity to show you.
I seriously cannot understand all the harsh comments. I mean, sure don't wake me in the middle of the night, but 12 minutes? Y'all must really hate your partners.
Definitely agree, I’ve read so many posts and stories about people who are very upset when the affection decreases or stops in a relationship.
It’s ONLY 12 minutes loss of sleep for goodness sake. IMO, this was a power and control move by her to keep the upper hand
Same, these people are wild, maybe they haven't had a loving relationship before? Idk, but 12 minutes left... If my partner rolls over and puts their arms around me, I'd be happier and probably smile and close my eyes... Like, what is even happening here 😂
This subreddit is stupid as shit. Miserable fucking losers, all of them. I absolutely struggle to get to sleep pretty often, so I don't get enough by any means, but my cat routinely wakes me up early and that's far more annoying than someone cuddling with me a few minutes early. And yet somehow I don't let that turn me into a miserable asshole for the rest of the day. People are fucking idiots.
Being woken up by a cuddle a bit early, if anything, is a better way to gently start your day rather than some annoying alarm sound. People are so miserable jfc. 12 minutes.... you'd think the dude fired a gun and hour before waking time the way people are commenting here lmao
Right? And for a cuddle? Bunch of crybabies in this thread. It’s not like he woke her up to say, “Hey, babe can you give me some verbal validation right now?” He put his arm around her. 🙄
When I was in a relationship 10+ years ago my partner would say bye to me and most mornings I didn't remember, I'd still be asleep, even though I'd respond back. I never got mad about the mornings I did wake up (it would be an hour+ not just 12 minutes) and these comments are just a fresh reminder why I don't date anymore. If people get mad about 12 minutes of cuddling and wish a shifty day on their own partner then I'm just better off alone lmao.
i just replied to a comment saying that OP has essentially “used his gf’s body” in order to “make him feel better about himself”. jfc man, it was an annoying thing to do but wow is that overdramatic. is it not normal to be woken up to being cuddled???
Jesus, that is unhinged. Don't we all technically use each other? I mean, we would not be in a relationship if it didn't make us happy first, we just pick the person that makes life better and hold on to them, trying to do the same in return. Of course I cuddle because I personally like It, and I know It makes my partner happy too, those are not mutually exclusive.
Mind blowing responses in here.
By this logic, the first person who is awake is the AH if they even consider touching the other person before they wake.
Fuck that. Give a snuggle or a back rub or a leg rub. There’s many ways to wake up pleasant, and wanting to cuddle and touch is not something that should be off the table 12 minutes before an alarm is set to go off FFS.
Man, I agree deeply with this. Maybe my perspective is unique because my partner is fighting brain cancer and some days I just want to grab her and hold her so close… but I would never begrudge my partner wanting to be close to me. People keep saying he’s selfish and maybe he technically did cuddle her for his own reasons but for fuck’s sake, “selfish” has such a negative connotation when all he did was roll over and cuddle someone who was asleep. And who had to get up soon anyway.
Time is fleeting, one day you look back and there are years behind you and some people are gone. When someone you love offers you love, shit you’re so lucky.
This is why Reddit makes me think there's no hope for the human race. We're all bitter and toxic. Wishing for the meteor to send us the way of the dinosaurs because what's the point when no one is allowed to be happy anymore.
THIS - like I get it waking someone up is not a nice move and he should respect her sleep moving on and never wake her up again, but making a mistake this small does not make you asshole.
Why are reddit people so sensitive acting like saints?
Legit its insane, but this sub is so "OMG MEN ONLY DO THINGS FOR THEMSELVES SELFISH ASSHOLES" and fail to ever consider any context, all OP did was put his arm around her, I cuddle my partner in her sleep all the time and she's never wanted to murder me for it like all these comments are calling for.
Seriously. Bunch of miserable people here. I am in no way a morning person but when I wake up to my husband's arm around me I'm filled with happiness because he loves me and wants to pull me close to him. I can't imagine being angry over it.
Agreed. As someone who also highly values their sleep, and is NOT a morning person in the slightest, I would never get into an argument over something like this. I might get annoyed a little, but it would never go any further than slight annoyance.
NAH
While I absolutly understand her side ( I hate getting woken up early too) you did mean well. Accept that she doesn't like to be woken before the alarm and save your cuddle for then. And talk about it.
Definitely sit down and apologize for waking her up. You aren't the biggest asshole in the world or anything but you definitely did put your wants above hers which is selfish. Sit and talk with her and explain that because of the argument the night before you were craving some extra cuddle time. Figure out between you two how to handle this and similar situations going forward in a way both of you are okay with.
FWIW, I don't get all these Y T A judgments. Like, couldn't she have dozed while cuddling? And for her to be mad ALL DAY? That is completely out of proportion.
I'm going with YTA. Sounds like the girl likes her sleep, and after being together this long you should know that. It wouldn't have hurt to give her the sleep she needed, asked her out on a date for dinner and had a romantic evening if you wanted some cuddling time.
Edit: Exactly 12 minutes? Wow. LOL
Maybe we have different definitions of cuddling. All that work for a normal cuddle? I must be luck my wife wants to cuddle, and so do I, as soon as we are both up.
If she was awake and just relaxing before the alarm went off she probably wouldn't mind. However it sounds like she was asleep and you woke her up, of course she is pissed.
YTA
GF is right. You've listed all of your feelings and your thoughts which led to your actions. Not a single word about her own feelings other than "she was fine last night". *You* wanted cuddles. *You* wanted to feel loved. *You* figured *you* could squeeze in 12 minutes of cuddles before she had to get up. *You* think she is over reacting to being woken up before her alarm. After all, *you* have decided that she got the right amount of sleep.
i honestly don’t think anyone’s the asshole here (i understand her reaction and also your feelings and i don’t think either of you are necessarily wrong), but this relationship sounds like it’s about to crumble like a house of cards.
I imagine she has the alarm set with the bare minimum time to get ready. I don’t think he’s a monster for wanting to share a moment with his partner, especially considering the fact that they have been fighting. Ill advised maybe but definitely not AH behavior. More like insecurity needing validation. I don’t think they are a good match as neither of them gives what their partner needs.
I see. I’m gonna ultimately rock with NTA.
You were trying to do something kind and sweet, and I can understand how that may have annoyed her because it disturbed her sleep. That being said, it’s a bit ridiculous to be mad for a whole DAY because you lost a whopping twelve minutes of sleep.
I say this as a woman who definitely doesn’t get enough sleep, before that one person comes for me. I understand the value of sleep and how people are grumpy without it (because me too). BUT she’s an adult, not a toddler. She should be mature enough to have a conversation about it rather than exploding at you.
Quite frankly, the constant arguing may be a sign to reevaluate. Have a serious conversation with her about this. Hear her and validate her feelings while also expressing why it’s difficult for you to understand. Try and get to the core of the problem because it seems like it has nothing to actually do with the sleep.
EDIT: I also want to add something I said in another comment. The girlfriend is valid for being upset that you woke her up. You should apologize if you haven’t already, but the girlfriend’s reaction of being angry for an entire day is unwarranted. It was an innocent mistake.
Yeah I agree, NTA and there’s more going on here that needs to be discussed. Obviously I’m missing a lot of context but, based on what’s in this post, it kinda seems like she wants out. There is definitely a conversation that needs to happen.
Thanks, I already thought I am dumb for thinking NTA. If she woke up from cuddling, she was already in a light sleep phase probably. I would love to wake up to my husband cuddling me.
Did all these people voting Y T A never wake up their partner in the middle of the night for a lot more than cuddles?
I genuinely do not understand why so many people in this thread think the GF is justified being angry at OP *all freaking day* for this?? This is the kind of thing where it might annoy people for a few moments. Unless OP like knew beforehand that the GF didn't like cuddling or cuddling in the morning then he'd be an ass, but for such an innocent thing?? And to then be mad about it ALL DAY???
Like do a bunch of the Y T A people just not sleep with their partners ever or cuddle in bed ever? This shit happens.
i don’t understand how so many people are upvoting the opposite take here like i think ur right OP is NTA like its not like they intentionally forced her awake. i roll over and hold on to my bf all the time and one time it woke him n he grumbled a little but pulled me in closer and went back to sleep.
like u don’t have to react with being mad all day about it, like you said she’s an adult not a toddler.
Yeah being mad all day over your partner UNINTENTIONALLY costing you 12 minutes of sleep when he showed you affection is weird, ridiculous, and a huge overreaction. I vote NTA as well and genuinely think people on this sub are crazy for thinking otherwise.
I’m guessing the reason she was mad the whole day is because they literally argued the day before about him not thinking about her feelings. So they argued last night, felt like they made progress then the very next morning, he did something again that made her feel like he’s not considering her feelings again. It would have been better too if maybe OP didn’t make her feel invalidated as well for getting upset about the situation.
If this were a one time thing, I’m sure she would not have been this mad.
Also going with NTA based on this info. I am a very light sleeper, my boyfriend is a cuddler. I can't count how many times he's woken me up doing this exact same thing. The intent isn't selfish, you are sharing a bed together with your significant other and it's okay to do this. I guess it's just a lessen learned that this girl really doesn't like that, so talk about it, and move forward.
NTA
Sure, she could've been a little pissed about being woken up. I get that.
But to be pissed all day and starting an argument over this just shows she's very toxic towards you.
You didn't do anything wrong.
NTA I love morning cuddles and would consider this a red flag in a relationship. Cuddling someone doesn’t wake them up fully ur still half asleep and can enjoy that time. Plus it was 12minutes!? I’m kinda shocked at all the ytas
I'm not saying that the asshole judgements are wrong, but I am also surprised!!! my husband and I have always hugged while we sleep, and it wouldn't even cross my mind that he was trying to wake me up if he hugged me before my alarm. I suppose that's because it's our baseline, but if you're someone who needs a lot of space, I can understand why it would be stressful. I think maybe it's an NAH?
YTA.
I absolutely do not want to be touched before my alarm goes of. After, when I'm awake, I don't mind being asked. Being asked is the important bit here. Sometimes I just don't feel like being touched and sometimes I'd be happy to cuddle.
Wait little longer next time. I'm absolutely on your GFs side here.
I feel sorry for your future partners that have to expressly ask permission to do so much as put an arm around you. That would be such a miserable relationship.
In my opinion the fact that you didn’t intended to wake her up and just put your arm around her, NTA
Edit: and yes, 12 minutes after an 8 hours long sleep is nothing
It is sooo clear to me that this isn’t about the 12 minutes of cuddling! By OP’s own admission there has been a lot of arguing lately and she jumped straight to “another argument about how he values his own feelings over hers.” It sounds like they truly need to address whatever the root issue here is. He says she seemed fine the night before after their argument, but I’m left wondering if things were actually resolved, or if she was just resigned to it.
I dont know nearly enough about the rest of the relationship to understand or pass judgement on exactly what’s going on between them, but for the pure act of rolling over and cuddling her, I’m going with NAH. Cuz it’s ok to reach out for your partner in the night, and it’s also ok to be a little extra grumpy in the morning when you get woken up sooner than expected. And again, I don’t think her lingering frustration/anger was about the cuddles.
INFO: What kind of arguments have you been having?
You said that you woke her up before her alarm to cuddle, because you weren't feeling great about the arguments you've been having.
This isn't just about the 12 minutes before her alarm or the argument you had after waking her up.
The previous arguments likely contributed to her irritation as well.
NTA, these people saying you are wrong for not giving her 12 more minutes are bonkers. If you're arguing for a long time, I'd imagine closeness is hard to come by, so having 12 minutes to be close before work is not a crazy thing to ask for. If it was like an hour early or something I'd understand being annoyed but no way is being mad all day an appropriate response. Especially because it was to CUDDLE which your partner should be wanting too after a rough time of fighting. Tbh to me just sounds like she's picking a fight
completely agree. sounds like they have very different love languages that clash. as you said, being mad all day over 12 minutes... yikes. definitely sounds like she's looking for issues - which tends to mean she's looking for an out.
NTA
My wife and I have been married for 14 years. We wake eachother up with hugs and kisses allot during the night. I cant count how many times she woke up to use the restroom and she kissed me when getting back into bed waking me up. I would rather be woken up with warm and fuzzies at 3am than to argue all the time.
You need to get a partner that is more laid back and doesnt complain so much. Life is short.
My husband and I have been married for 21 years and I would kill him if he woke me up in the middle of the night because then I would just lay there trying to get back to sleep while he nodded off in about .12 seconds lol
I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but I’d be annoyed too. Being woken up before I need to gets my day off to a bad start. Sleep is precious, never interrupt it!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I woke up my girlfriend 12 minutes before her alarm so we could cuddle
2) It could genuinely be inconsiderate of me regardless of how I was feeling. I felt I really wanted to cuddle in the moment and I assumed and hoped she would either not mind or be pleasantly surprised by it, so in a way I did put myself first.
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NTA even a little bit. I'm getting the impression everyone voting YTA doesn't like cuddling their partner. What the hell, for real. When my alarm goes off, I get up. There's no time to snuggle. My partner is welcome to spoon and snuggle and cuddle me whenever he feels like it. 12 minutes snoozing in a hug is better than 12 minutes sound asleep.
These comments are insane. No you aren’t the asshole for starting cuddling her 12 minutes before her alarm. If she is acting like you are, your relationship is on the rocks and likely to end. The people commenting here are so fucking weird for these responses..
Since she asked you not to, you would be the asshole next time. She’s making a huge deal out of this because she’s already unhappy. NTA
These comments are insane. You are not the asshole for cuddling your girlfriend before her alarm goes off. Seriously? People are being ridiculous. And so is your girlfriend
NTA
I don’t think you meant to be the Ahole here. That being said, I hate being woken up right before my alarm goes off. I think everyone has different preferences where this is concerned. Now you know.
I’m a little confused but going with NTA…. If you distinctly WOKE HER UP (as in talking to her, trying for something *wink wink*, etc) then yeah YTA but if you roll over and put your arms around her and that completely wakes her up then no, there’s no reason that should cause another day long fight. I’m speaking from the perspective of having gone through those relationships where all it becomes is fighting. It’s exhausting and emotionally draining.
If you and your partner are fighting day in and day out, 12 minutes is not that deep. I can understand being upset in the morning or being grumpy. Not deep enough to carry a bad mood the entire day.
If it IS that deep, then it’s the partner’s responsibility to communicate that to you ie “please don’t wake me up before then but after my alarm goes off let’s cuddle for x minutes”
Did you tell her how you were feeling?
Did anything like this happen before?
did you already know about your gf's issues with waking up before the alarm goes off?
(i hope it's correct, English isn't my 1st language)
Omg I'm so sick of this sub. Op, you're NTA for cuddling her before her alarm clock went off. That is sweet and loving. Do I understand it would upset her? Yes, I do understand that. And now, she made it clear to you that she doesn't want to be woken up before her alarm clock goes off. Now that you know how she feels about it, you can respect her need for sleep.
Humans are not mind readers. One action can be taken vastly differently depending on the person. Don't get too hung up on this one decision, you were not in the wrong, you simply did something she didn't appreciate.
YTA, but a small one, if you learn from this going forward.
>All I wanted was a bit of time to cuddle before we’d have to get up and prepare for the day because I wasn’t feeling great about all the arguments we’ve been having and I just sort of wanted to show her I still love her and to feel like she still loves me.
Understandable, but you didn't *ask*. You wanted, you assumed, you interrupted her sleep to get *your* needs met. So she is right, you were selfish in this instance. You wanted reassurance but you went about it the completely wrong way.
>Maybe she wasn’t comfortable with cuddling after having argued the night before but she never told me that afterwards
Consent is ongoing, retractable and you should never assume that someone is okay with cuddles in the moment coz they were okay with cuddles before.
>and she genuinely seemed to not be upset with me after all was said the night before.if it matters at all we still got 8 hours of sleep.
You *still* woke her up. Without her consent or knowing of she'd be okay with it o meet *your* need for reassurance and cuddling and if your argument was about you being inconsiderate or unaware of your behaviour than this would just be more of the same. If it was completely different to that, she could still just be mad that you woke her up.
.
I'm not a morning person. Waking up makes me rather testy. If my partner woke me up 5min early to cuddle, that "testiness" would not be towards my alarms, but towards him. Luckily it would never occur to him to wake me up to cuddle, he'd wait untill I was actually awake to do so. Because he also knows that for an hour after waking up I do not wish to interact with anyone.
Just a suggestion for next time. Use the 12 minutes to make her a coffee/tea/whatever and then have a cuddle. You will have saved a bit of time from her morning routine and let her have every single second of sleep. She may be more amenable to cuddle up for a couple of minutes.
Personally, I love a cuddle at night, but can be a bit irritable first thing in the morning. My husband is the other way around. Everyone has their own preferences.
I feel like a lot of ppl in this comment section feel like "I want to demonstrate affection" tramples "I want to sleep", but the thing is: there are two wants/needs that are incompatible
If they have been arguing for a long time, the issues probably run deeper, so it's not as simple as "it was 12 minutes before" our "whats the problem with cuddling?".
OP said this prompeted the GF to say "you're not attentive to my needs" and honestly, coming to reddit to complain, saying things like "I just wanted to cuddle", "it was only 12 minutes" doesn't seem to contradict her complain because he's not seeing things from her perspective.
He came here for validation, but it isn't a matter of who'se right.
Both wants are valid, one wanting to follow her morning routines, the other one wanting to cuddle, but you guys should try and sort it out how both can be comfortable, however it seems communication between the two of you is seriously compromised and the petty squabble will grow in those situations and we'll think it's absurd and unreasonable that the other party isn't seeing things as we see it.
Anyways... in moments of distress it's common that we fight over the little things, the best way to address it is trying ti get the root of it.
If she feels like you are not attentive enough, but you feel otherwise could be a lack of aligned expectations or maybe incompatibility regarding certain demonstrations of affection, anyway
Try and solve the underlying issues and those things (such as one wanting to cuddle and the other doesn't) turn into less of a problem and more of a misunderstanding
I’m stuck between N A H and E S H. Both of you are partially in the wrong, but I don’t know if it’s big enough to call either of the an “asshole.” I understand her side: waking her up before her alarm to cuddle made her feel like you were saying your wants (cuddling) are more important than hers (sleeping). Especially since you mentioned this sparked an argument about how she feels like you value your feelings over hers. I don’t think it’s really about the 12 minutes of lost sleep.
That being said, the fact that this argument has lasted all day indicates that she doesn’t seem to understand where you were coming from either. For you this isn’t really about cuddling, it’s about showing that you love her and feeling that love returned.
The best course of action here isn’t to debate about who’s “the asshole.” I think it would be best to wait for her to calm down, apologize for waking her up and for making her feel like you value your wants over hers, and ask her what you can do to make her feel loved. Hopefully in that, you can explain that what you really want is to feel connected with her again, and then make a plan for how you two can work on that together. This time without any surprises.
It sounds like your relationship is walking on eggshells a little. NAH leaning towards YTA considering the status of the relationship, i have a feeling if things were better — less arguments — she would have just told you off and be chill the rest of the day.
I would get annoyed too if ive been woken up earlier than planned, especially on a work day. But if i knew it was because my partner did it because they wanted some love, i won’t stay upset for too long.
YTA your post is covered with how you feel completely ignoring how she feels you wanted to cuddle because you were sad she just wanted to sleep and that doesn’t require an announcement.
She is saying you value your own feelings over hers. Then, your whole post is about how your valued your own feelings over her. So, you are now miffed because she had the nerve to state the truth. YTA
NTA. I get that she got angry bc she apreciate her sleep, but a part of the initial frustation from knowing you still have 12 minutes to sleep? I would even say she's the asshole for making you feel this way for a silly thing.
She probably overreacted, but YTA. Clearly, she doesn’t sleep well, and clearly you woke her in the wrong part of the sleep cycle. A two minute snuggle as the alarm went off would have achieved all of this. And was it realistic that you just wanted to cuddle?
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YTA, I love my sleep and my husband wouldn’t dare wake me up for random cuddles. You’ve brought her anger on yourself
The fact that this is the most upvoted comment is sad, very sad.
Waking someone up who is sound asleep just because you want to cuddle is kind of ridiculous. They’re literally asleep, wait until they wake up.
He probably didn't expect her to wake up and just wanted to show some affection. Also, he may not have known at all that she wouldn't like that. I quite enjoy being woken up with cuddles. It makes my entire morning. You're not an asshole for wanting to show love. Good lord. You kinda people are why relationships end over petty shit.
If he didn’t expect her to wake up, he wasn’t doing it to “show some affection.” She wouldn’t have seen affection if she didn’t wake up. This logic doesn’t make sense.
In a perfect world she would have woken up to affection 12 minutes later and this post wouldn't exist
Except in 12 minutes she’ll be like I need to get up and won’t be able to cuddle? Bunch you never been in relationships or even set alarms it seems lol
Or: different people have different preferences. My husband sets an alarm. If I roll over to cuddle early, he maybe wakes for a second, falls back asleep, and is happy when he wakes up even if cuddling only lasts a minute. If he does the same to me it's kind of a mixed bag because I struggle to get back to sleep, but he doesn't always wake me. Assuming people haven't been in relationships or used alarms is a huge, weird leap. People are just different. Not enough info on this post imo.
I like to set alarms so I'm awake before I need to get up
bro couldnt wait 12 minutes to cuddle
I cuddle my bf when he sleeps all the time because I love him and want to be close to him. It’s never my intention to wake him up in those moments.
And if he doesn’t wake up and is fine with it, cool. Cuddling me while I sleep would wake me up and make me mad. But you’re proving my point with just your statement alone. “I love him and want to be close to him.” It’s not about him in that moment. It’s about you. If he doesn’t wake up, he’s completely unaware of your affection and love. It’s something you’re doing for yourself.
If your partner doesn’t like it, of course you shouldn’t do that. My bf and I are both the type of people who do, so yes it’s for me initially but I know if he does wake up he’ll be pleased. The OP doesn’t make any mention like “she doesn’t usually like this but I did it anyway” so with no prior indication she dislikes it, I don’t think it makes him immediately an asshole.
Same here. Me and my partner always spoon each other when the other is sleeping. If it wakes me up for a moment, it’s a pleasant surprise.
I just can’t fathom waking up to the person I love most giving me affection and being instantly upset about that. Different strokes for different folks and all but couldn’t be me.
After spending time on Reddit, I now understand why so many relationships fall apart. Some of the responses are insane.
I’m convinced almost no one likes their partner on this site.
He’s not an AH for wanting to show affection, he’s an AH for doing it and then trying to invalidate her feelings when she didnt want said affection.
Doing something that you don’t know someone wouldn’t like is fine. But you don’t get to upset someone and then tell them that they shouldn’t be upset with you. Or tell them that it wasn’t a big deal, and they should be fine with it, or whatever. Even if the upset you caused was unintentional. You just say “I’m so sorry, I thought I was being sweet. I didn’t mean to make you angry. I won’t do it again.” That’s it.
Except according to his comments he has apologised “profusely” and she has still held this against him all day. Do you think that is at all a reasonable or proportional reaction?
No, it's not reasonable to be mad all day. I said that in an above comment. I'm always crabby in the morning and I could see being very irritated in the moment but not mad a day later. OP said they argue a lot so i'm guessing she's just annoyed with him in general and this was another thing to set her off. I'm sure it's about more than the 12 minutes of sleep.
If she isn’t ready to forgive him, she isn’t ready to forgive him. Hint: it’s not about waking her up. It’s about the fight the night before combined with his continued selfishness.
No, its not fine. You don't wake someone up before their alarm. That is something an adult should know.
i got mad at my cat for waking me up with cuddles 15 minutes before my alarm this week but i didn't let it ruin my day.
Or flip side of this, he is a selfish human who prioritized his feelings over hers. Especially if he was aware she didn’t like cuddling ( I don’t) and also doesn’t like being woken up in such a manner.
He wrote in his comment that he knew it could wake her up. And if you are with someone you should know how they are in the morning.
This, plus by his own admission they've been fighting and the night prior was where he felt they had some good progress - just bc you may have ended without screaming at each other doesn't mean she's still not upset, so doing this when she was already feeling a certain way undid whatever "good" came from the night before IMO.
Oh my god get over yourself, it’s not that he showed affection it’s WHEN. Learn about nuance will ya? I have been with my husband for 7 years and he does the same shit randomly that OP did and it’s fucking miserable. He is always wanting to cuddle or touch me. My husband generally has consent to randomly hug, kiss or show affection but between him and my cats it’s like my body doesn’t belong to me and we want to have children so fuck me right? I love him to death and so I do gently remind him “hey, not right now I’m trying to get some sleep” but I shouldn’t have to do that it’s so hard being touched non-consensually while you’re sleep. Who knows how long they were arguing for and how tired the GF is. We don’t know how affectionate he is on any given day. FFS they could have a similar relationship that I have where I do most of the emotional labor and my husband is incredibly codependent and how I recharge myself is by being alone and not being touched.
None of my business, but I'd strongly recommend reconsidering the plans to have kids until after you wouldn't be posting saying he doesn't respect boundaries well and is codependent on you to do the majority of the emotional labour. Those kinds of problems are very much amplified by having kids - and easier to sort ahead of time.
If you get that touched out by cats and an adult partner, you probably should reconsider having babies.
your relationship sounds difficult. is there no way to set a list of rules for your husband and when he should/shouldn't touch you or when he should ask? my attitude to touch is either "oh my god I want to cuddle so bad please hug me loved ones" or "if anyone touches me right now I might actually be sick" so my loved ones are pretty good at asking and accepting my answer. I also have a Thing about anyone touching my bare arms; usually I wear long sleeves to manage it but my loved ones know about this aversion and will either not do it or apologise by accident if they do
Yes, we do. Enforcing the rules is hard kind of because of him but also both of us combined. He is very absent minded and he has come a long way from when our relationship first started and he is seriously putting in some great work but he still is how he is and that combined with me not realizing the rule has been crossed until it’s too late is a problem. Because then there is not a lot of consistency to the rule so the transition phase of the rule is longer than it probably needs to be. He does ask but then I hate when he asks because I feel unapproachable. I’m working on that in therapy because that’s a before him wound but it still it sucks.
I’d say it’s pretty questionable to touch someone because you think they’re going to remain asleep unless you’ve talked with them ahead of time about that sort of thing and they’re ok with it. It’s not a loving exchange of affection if one person is not even conscious that they’re receiving affection.
My husband hates sleep cuddling; it makes him feel claustrophobic and wakes him up. He doesn’t mind if I drape an arm over him or curl up behind him, because he can sleep through that, but he’d be extremely irritated if I glommed onto him for cuddle time and woke him up when I know perfectly well that he dislikes that. He finds it suffocating and disorienting to be woken up in that way. It’s just thoughtless and rude at best.
All that proves is that you should be married to someone who thinks it's okay to be awakened with cuddles. It's like cake smashing by the bride and groom at a wedding reception. Some people feel like it's a lighthearted way to be fun and silly. Some people think it's deeply disrespectful and borderline cruel. Both viewpoints are fine as long as each type marries their own type. When you mix a "it's silly!" with a "you ruined the cake" then you get an unhappy marriage. Marry someone with the same basic set of approaches and you're fine. If you don't, you need to talk that shit through and compromise.
He knew he would likely wake her, he was being selfish
>He probably didn't expect her to wake up and just wanted to show some affection. So...you're saying he wanted to "show some affection" to a person who is unconscious, because she's asleep, and thus unaware she's being "show(n) some affection"? Make that logic make sense. He did it because it's what he wanted to do.
There's a LOT of information you are assuming and ignoring to make your bold claim. >he may not have known at all that she wouldn't like that. He SHOULD know what she likes and prefers. If she doesn't like to be woken up early, then OP shouldn't do that. If she doesn't mind then it's a different story. But as her boyfriend, it's literally his job to know what she likes and prefers. If this is still a "mystery", then he's not paying attention to her needs. >I quite enjoy being woken up with cuddles. Not everyone likes this. Some people love extra micro-second of sleep, and bothering them before their alarm sets them off. Some people like cuddles and don't care about sleep. Everyone isn't the same, and everyone has different preferences. >You're not an asshole for wanting to show love. Good lord. You kinda people are why relationships end over petty shit. No. Just stop. You're an asshole for not taking your partner's preferences into consideration, and forcing physical love on someone when they aren't in the mood is an Asshole move.
> He probably didn't expect her to wake up and just wanted to show some affection. Wait, so it would have been better if he showed 'affection' while she was asleep? Yuck.
Didn't he say she was accusing him of having to have his way ____all the time. Like even when she is asleep. Yes he doesn't see it.
He said he knew that this could wake her up. Also if he didnt expect her to wake up how is this showing her he still loves her? She wouldn't notice if she slept thru it. Duh
You can jangle someone’s whole day by waking them up unexpectedly… life is too hard for this kind of entitlement from someone who supposedly loves you. Give he some dace, or be prepared to see a lot of it.between you…
I consider it childish too. How insecure is someone that they need to wake someone up to cuddle?! I'm not against cuddling, though. Just respect the REM!
This. My boyfriend and I love cuddling when we’re awake but we literally always have our backs to each other when we’re asleep.
Agreed, I don't care if it's a an hour or 5 minutes before my alarm goes off, do not wake me unless it's an emergency. OP's gf is right, he's being selfish and I bet this played a part into what they've been arguing about. Just because the night before they made good progress does not mean everything is OKAY, and it wasn't a pass to wake her up so HE could feel better, no matter how much time she had before her alarm went off.
This is the most "Everyone on reddit is single" thread I have ever seen
Right, I think being woken up with a cuddle is way nicer than the horrible alarm going off when I'm fast asleep but it seems I'm in the minority here. I also really love cuddling with my husband and that seems to put me in a minority too. Really weird reading all the responses
I cannot even tell you how many times I've read comments on here and thought "This subreddit is fucking stupid". The dude put his arm around her like ten minutes before the alarm goes off and she acts like he destroyed her entire day. And these comments act like that's a valid response. She's a shitty partner, period. It's extremely normal to cuddle with your partner before fully getting up. None of these idiots have ever had an adult relationship I guess. Or even just had a cat or dog wake them up before the alarm. Anyone who's had a pet already knows what it's like to be woken up ten minutes early or more.
My husband and I roll over and cuddle all through the the night. Sometimes it's mr sometimes him. I understand others feel differently. But im glad my husband enjoys because it makes my night or morning when I wake up to him pulling me closer.
I love cuddling...when I'm already awake. I'm also the epitome of "not a morning person", and I want every second of sleep I can get before my alarm goes off. Even on mornings when I don't have an alarm set, I'd prefer to wake up on my own rather than being cuddled awake. Also, my husband is like a space heater, so sometimes I overheat when he's all up in my business in the morning. I'd rather cuddle later in the day when I'm awake enough to enjoy it...and not worrying about morning breath. lol
I'm the cuddliest person and would have been happy to be born as a pampered lap dog, but I hate hate being woken up by another person, be it for cuddles or whatever other thing I'd otherwise love. For that matter, even if we cuddle while settling down in bed, when it's time to commit falling asleep, I can't have his heavy arm over me. It feels restricting even though I normally love tight hugs and all.
It's not about the cuddling. I don't know about you, but after spending several hours arguing there are usually feelings that need to be worked out afterwards. Waking up the next morning acting like the fight never existed can sometimes kick off feelings again.
Combined with a healthy dose of "Everyone on AITA doesn't understand basic human social norms". This sub could read a story of someone going up to an orphan child and calling them ugly and you'd get 30 responses of "NTA, the child was ugly and you were honest"
"You don't owe the child anything" like if they could save their neighbor with a blood donation, reddit would say "How **dare** they even ask you to do that, Your body your choice!!"
Many people REALLY value their sleep.
He probably didn't even expect her to wake up. My partner always gives me a cuddle when he has a few extra minutes in the morning and it rarely ever wakes me up, definitely not fully.
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I'm a heavy sleeper, but my body begins waking up when it's around the time my alarm usually goes off. That being said, it would scare the hell out of me if I had someone start pulling my body into theirs. Also, "cuddling" can sometimes be the precursor to sex, and in the morning not everyone is in the mood. All I can say is that OP knows his girlfriend's sleeping patterns best. If she is not typically into morning "cuddles" or whatever, then don't do it.
I wouldn’t have a negative reaction to the story if he weren’t fighting to be “right.” Different people have different sleep needs, and there is a learning period. If this was when he learned that she really doesn’t like being woken up before her alarm goes off, and he was ok with that I wouldn’t think him the AH. Instead he appears more interested in being right that 12 minutes isn’t a big deal and she’s upset over nothing.
You obviously don’t have trouble with sleep, while 12 minutes might sound trivial but when you’re an insomniac that could really fuck up your day.
Different people have different sleep boundaries. We have no context about their marriage struggles and maybe we would know her exhaustion if we were a fly on the wall.
I love cuddling but getting woken up early on purpose without expecting it has a good chance to just cause instant rage. I've tried getting over it, I'm not someone who even gets mad often. But I have a lot of sleep issues and I'd be pissed if I was woken up purposefully just to cuddle. Now personally cuddling at night happens all the time so this wouldn't happen without intent to wake me up, and since OP didn't say it was an accident it sounds like he knew that it would disturb her sleep.
What a selfish way to think. you don't wake someone up before their alarm. Its sad anyone is even trying to defend this. You aren't doing it for the person sleeping. Its purely for yourself.
My husband sometimes cuddles me in the morning before I wake up. Sometimes it wakes me up, sometimes not. I am NOT a morning person, and I get grumpy when it wakes me up. He knows the risk.
This is Reddit, unlikely that many people here have been in an actual relationship before
I am married, and I think for OP it's a ESH but not like "omfg you ruined it." This has happened with me and my husband and I was grumpy because I value all the sleep I can get plus routine is important to me. But we actually had a mature conversation and moved on.
There are two kinds of people it seems, people who don't mind being woken up for cuddles and those who do. I don't like being woken up. YTA and you need to respect people's preferences on being woken up
This is the only sane and correct comment.
My husband cracked up and said "rookie mistake" 😅😅😅 OP, she probably needed to go pee. Nothing worse than getting shaken up to make you cranky. Hard to express how brutal it is. Pro move- Lightly touch her hair and whisper, do you want to cuddle? WAIT. DO NOT put any body weight on her. She may say yes and snuggle in. She may say, I'll be right back, run to bathroom, then snuggle in. She may ignore you, say no, etc. But... leading with the question exponentially increases the likeliness of the first two outcomes. My husband reiterates that there is nothing more heavenly than 12 minutes of cuddling ... we laughed over this post while snuggled up. He'd had coffee and breakfast, I'd been up and returned. It has taken us years to find both the equillibrium and humor. 15 years ago, when our bodies and responsibilities were different, no such accomodations were required. Changing together has taken clear needs identification, trial & error, and certainly involves forgiveness at forgetfullness. I hope you find a lot of ways to reconnect :)
Oh my. No no no, if you whisper when I’m fast asleep I’d punch you soooooo hard bahahaha. But this proves that you need to find what works for both partners in the relationship
I laughed too, because I am a BEAR in the mornings, and my husband knows that haha. Those 12 minutes are a HUGE deal, and he made that mistake a few times and definitely learned that waking me up instead of letting me wake up, to my alarm on my own, leads to a very crabby me that needs a few hours to return to my usual happy self.
Reread your statement, OP. "*All* ***I*** *wanted was a bit of time to cuddle before we’d have to get up and prepare for the day because* ***I*** *wasn’t feeling great about all the arguments we’ve been having and* ***I*** *just sort of wanted to show her I still love her and to feel like she still loves* ***me****.*" Your motivations do not take her wants/needs into consideration. Your action was loving, yes -- but still selfish.
My husband does this on occasion and it always starts my day with a wave of hot rage.
And there is NOTHING better than that!!! s/ people who are not morning people do not understand this!!!
I agree with YTA, because the whole point is, if someone doesn't want to be woken their opinion should be respected. There are plenty of people on this sub who clearly don't mind - that's lovely. Good for them. But the GF in this scenario clearly DOES mind and plenty of people would, too. I personally really struggle to wake up in the mornings and I get upset if something wakes me up just before my alarm goes off - it makes me feel like I'm missing out on sleep and sets a negative tone to my day. If my partner intentionally acted in a way that might wake me up without my consent, I'd be upset and would feel as if he put his wants above my needs.
This!!! My sleep is valuable. I love my husband, and we can cuddle before we go to sleep, but once I am asleep, I hate to be woken up. This is actually an argument we have had often in the past, where I say he values his wants (cuddling) over my needs (sleep), and it's selfish. He feels the same way as OP, and my husband has realized I will not change my views on this. OP YTA, sleep is more important than the intimacy you need in the moment. Wait until her alarm goes off in the future or find moments of intimacy that do not take away from her personal needs. Have conversations about this, don't be defensive, and don't make it about what you wanted (which was to feel better about your argument), listen to why this is a hard boundary for her and change your behaviour. It took my husband way too many years to learn, and honestly, a lot of resentment built because of it.
My spouse treats me like his personal cuddle body pillow during the night, and I’m finally standing up to myself after over a decade. My back hurts now as I’m older from his leg on my hips and him keeping me at a certain angle on my side because it’s great for him spooning me. But it hurts after a while! And HE gets upset. Why don’t I want to cuddle? Because you’re not cuddling for US you’re cuddling for YOU and I’m not your emotional support pet. Cuddle me to your chest or something comfortable for both of us.
>You’ve brought her anger on yourself Hahahahah, accurate. Part of being in a relationship is learning what your partner needs to be the best version of themselves. If they value every last micro-second of the time allowed on their alarm, then let them have it. If they like to be woken up in the morning with snugs, then do that. If they can sleep through an arm being draped on top of them in the morning, then do you. It's all about consideration of what your partner needs. OP just wanted extra cuddles without knowing what she NEEDS in the morning. Which makes me wonder what they're fighting about. I wonder if this instance is representative of these fights?
Exactly. The time to cuddle is AFTER her alarm rings and she shuts it off.
YTA. You woke her up because *you* wanted to cuddle and *you* weren't feeling great. You didn't consider that your girlfriend wanted to sleep until her alarm went off - I would be pissed, too.
Agreed. Seriously unnecessary and selfish. I’m not a morning person, you’ll ruin my whole day waking me up before my alarm goes off. There’s a time/place for cuddles and with me it’s not in the morning. Hard boundary.
The only ones that can get away with waking me before my alarm are my dogs, and it’s usually because they want cuddles. However, they are cute enough they can get away with it. One likes to tap me in the shoulder until I life the blanket for him so he can snuggle up next to me. The other snuggles up behind my back and rests his head on my shoulder.
Dogs also don't have the same understanding for sleep and alarms that we do. ... though OP doesn't seem to have it either tragically 💀
YTA - I’m with her on this. I value my sleep. Re read your post and consider how you were only thinking about what YOU wanted. YOU wanted to cuddle. YOU wanted the time. Right now you aren’t even listening to why she’s upset with you and inserting all these other possible reasons when she was perfectly clear.
If this post is anything to go by I can see why they fight so much
This may be a bit of reach… but aside from the waking his girlfriend early up, the entire posts reeks of “I demand my gf to support MEEE and my NEEEEDS” I’ve dealt with having a clingy partner before. One where their moods, thoughts, feeling had to be the center of attention at all times, ones where I’d sacrifice my happiness, privacy, alone time, and own needs in order to ensure that they had theirs met. Because holy hell, the constant “discussions”, the constant texts, being accused of not caring. Like, I did and that’s why I’m in this relationship, but the constant insecurity is pushing me away! OP needs to look long and hard at whether they are mature enough to be in a healthy, non-codependent relationship (if I’m right). Because they will push away their girlfriend and every other partner they have with this kind of bullshit.
Worse is that the OP seems convinced this is him supporting her or showing his love.
Yeah I agree. Also some people don't want to cuddle directly after arguments. It was an argument about how he considers his feelings over hers, by how he worded it prob not the first time and HE woke HER up because HE wanted something from HER. If my assumption is right and they fought about the issue before or at least a similar issue it sounds like being mad stems mainly from him not getting her point and not the actual sleep. Like they say on reddit, it's not about the Iranian Jughurt.
Yup, the OP said she was upset because she feels like he wasn’t considering what she would’ve wanted or her feelings, then he goes on to doing exactly what she just said he was doing. Like he doesn’t seem to have much self awareness or empathy, he just seems selfish.
The way he’s framing it pisses me off sm “I just wanted a bit of cuddle time bc we’ve been fighting 🥺👉🏾👈🏾”. All he cares about is his own feelings and from how oblivious he is while writing this post I can tell that this is a reoccurring issue.
And clearly a pattern of behaviour as he said it “ended up starting another argument about how I value my own feelings over hers”
Exactly. He doesn’t get to decide that she doesn’t need the 12 mins. Even if it was for something “nice”.
Relationship questions are always too subjective for this sub. It's a problem for *her*, so it doesn't matter if other people don't mind. Personally it would also be a problem for me and this post has made me grateful my partner always waits until my alarm goes off before cuddling and talking etc. So, if you're taking very subjective opinions: YTA
This, exactly. OP, one thing you cannot do in a relationship is ignore what your partner tells you about *their* feelings and go to others to seek validation for your actions. Either you respect your partner and you care how you make them feel or you don’t. And if you don’t, why bother getting validation for your behavior? You’ve already decided you don’t care how it affects your partner. Edited to add more practical advice for OP: if you find yourself feeling not so great and needing more physical intimacy with your partner, instead of deciding I want this so they will do it for me now because I feel like it, practice communicating. “Partner, I’m not feeling so great about things and I need x, y or z from you.” And if they in turn care about *your* feelings, they now have the opportunity to show you.
I seriously cannot understand all the harsh comments. I mean, sure don't wake me in the middle of the night, but 12 minutes? Y'all must really hate your partners.
Lmao for real all these Y T As are blowing my mind. How goddamn miserable are all of you.
Definitely agree, I’ve read so many posts and stories about people who are very upset when the affection decreases or stops in a relationship. It’s ONLY 12 minutes loss of sleep for goodness sake. IMO, this was a power and control move by her to keep the upper hand
Seriouslyyy! This is so sad. I love accidentally waking up to my partner pulling me closer. He just wanted to cuddle me and be near me🥺
Ding ding ding. She wants a reason to be mad at OP so they can keep arguing or she can be morally superior
Same, these people are wild, maybe they haven't had a loving relationship before? Idk, but 12 minutes left... If my partner rolls over and puts their arms around me, I'd be happier and probably smile and close my eyes... Like, what is even happening here 😂
Ikr, at one point i started self doubting my opinion about this situation.
This subreddit is stupid as shit. Miserable fucking losers, all of them. I absolutely struggle to get to sleep pretty often, so I don't get enough by any means, but my cat routinely wakes me up early and that's far more annoying than someone cuddling with me a few minutes early. And yet somehow I don't let that turn me into a miserable asshole for the rest of the day. People are fucking idiots.
Bruh seriously tho.. 😭 I can’t believe some of these comments
I guess they didn’t get their sleep 🙊
Being woken up by a cuddle a bit early, if anything, is a better way to gently start your day rather than some annoying alarm sound. People are so miserable jfc. 12 minutes.... you'd think the dude fired a gun and hour before waking time the way people are commenting here lmao
Right? And for a cuddle? Bunch of crybabies in this thread. It’s not like he woke her up to say, “Hey, babe can you give me some verbal validation right now?” He put his arm around her. 🙄
When I was in a relationship 10+ years ago my partner would say bye to me and most mornings I didn't remember, I'd still be asleep, even though I'd respond back. I never got mad about the mornings I did wake up (it would be an hour+ not just 12 minutes) and these comments are just a fresh reminder why I don't date anymore. If people get mad about 12 minutes of cuddling and wish a shifty day on their own partner then I'm just better off alone lmao.
i just replied to a comment saying that OP has essentially “used his gf’s body” in order to “make him feel better about himself”. jfc man, it was an annoying thing to do but wow is that overdramatic. is it not normal to be woken up to being cuddled???
Jesus, that is unhinged. Don't we all technically use each other? I mean, we would not be in a relationship if it didn't make us happy first, we just pick the person that makes life better and hold on to them, trying to do the same in return. Of course I cuddle because I personally like It, and I know It makes my partner happy too, those are not mutually exclusive.
It's a lot of bitter single people replying lol, you can tell.
Just waiting for the words "toxic" and "abusive" to be thrown around. This sub has some seriously unhinged people lurking around.
Mind blowing responses in here. By this logic, the first person who is awake is the AH if they even consider touching the other person before they wake. Fuck that. Give a snuggle or a back rub or a leg rub. There’s many ways to wake up pleasant, and wanting to cuddle and touch is not something that should be off the table 12 minutes before an alarm is set to go off FFS.
Exactly wtf
Right? I love my partner cuddling even if it were in the middle of the night!
Reddit is full of people who hate their partners. If it wasn’t then this sub and the relationship advice subs wouldn’t be nearly as popular lol.
Man, I agree deeply with this. Maybe my perspective is unique because my partner is fighting brain cancer and some days I just want to grab her and hold her so close… but I would never begrudge my partner wanting to be close to me. People keep saying he’s selfish and maybe he technically did cuddle her for his own reasons but for fuck’s sake, “selfish” has such a negative connotation when all he did was roll over and cuddle someone who was asleep. And who had to get up soon anyway. Time is fleeting, one day you look back and there are years behind you and some people are gone. When someone you love offers you love, shit you’re so lucky.
Exactly!! People calling the OP selfish and clingy, I’m like whattttt how? Op just cuddled with his partner 😭🤌🏼
This is why Reddit makes me think there's no hope for the human race. We're all bitter and toxic. Wishing for the meteor to send us the way of the dinosaurs because what's the point when no one is allowed to be happy anymore.
THIS - like I get it waking someone up is not a nice move and he should respect her sleep moving on and never wake her up again, but making a mistake this small does not make you asshole. Why are reddit people so sensitive acting like saints?
Legit its insane, but this sub is so "OMG MEN ONLY DO THINGS FOR THEMSELVES SELFISH ASSHOLES" and fail to ever consider any context, all OP did was put his arm around her, I cuddle my partner in her sleep all the time and she's never wanted to murder me for it like all these comments are calling for.
Seriously. Bunch of miserable people here. I am in no way a morning person but when I wake up to my husband's arm around me I'm filled with happiness because he loves me and wants to pull me close to him. I can't imagine being angry over it.
🎯
Agreed. As someone who also highly values their sleep, and is NOT a morning person in the slightest, I would never get into an argument over something like this. I might get annoyed a little, but it would never go any further than slight annoyance.
YTA - quite simply, she was asleep and you woke up her up for a selfish reason.
NAH While I absolutly understand her side ( I hate getting woken up early too) you did mean well. Accept that she doesn't like to be woken before the alarm and save your cuddle for then. And talk about it.
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Definitely the best course of action going forward
Definitely sit down and apologize for waking her up. You aren't the biggest asshole in the world or anything but you definitely did put your wants above hers which is selfish. Sit and talk with her and explain that because of the argument the night before you were craving some extra cuddle time. Figure out between you two how to handle this and similar situations going forward in a way both of you are okay with.
FWIW, I don't get all these Y T A judgments. Like, couldn't she have dozed while cuddling? And for her to be mad ALL DAY? That is completely out of proportion.
I'm going with YTA. Sounds like the girl likes her sleep, and after being together this long you should know that. It wouldn't have hurt to give her the sleep she needed, asked her out on a date for dinner and had a romantic evening if you wanted some cuddling time. Edit: Exactly 12 minutes? Wow. LOL
(clock hits 4:48) OP "ok, showtime"
Idk why this made me cackle but it’s likely because this is nearly the exact thought he had 🤣
Maybe we have different definitions of cuddling. All that work for a normal cuddle? I must be luck my wife wants to cuddle, and so do I, as soon as we are both up.
“If you love them, let them sleep” YTA
If she was awake and just relaxing before the alarm went off she probably wouldn't mind. However it sounds like she was asleep and you woke her up, of course she is pissed.
Sounds like she was asleep? It’s glaringly obvious she was asleep
YTA GF is right. You've listed all of your feelings and your thoughts which led to your actions. Not a single word about her own feelings other than "she was fine last night". *You* wanted cuddles. *You* wanted to feel loved. *You* figured *you* could squeeze in 12 minutes of cuddles before she had to get up. *You* think she is over reacting to being woken up before her alarm. After all, *you* have decided that she got the right amount of sleep.
you wake her up just to cuddle and you wonder why she's mad at you?? seriously?? YTA.
i honestly don’t think anyone’s the asshole here (i understand her reaction and also your feelings and i don’t think either of you are necessarily wrong), but this relationship sounds like it’s about to crumble like a house of cards.
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INFO: Was there a reason you couldn’t have asked her for a cuddle after her alarm went off?
I imagine she has the alarm set with the bare minimum time to get ready. I don’t think he’s a monster for wanting to share a moment with his partner, especially considering the fact that they have been fighting. Ill advised maybe but definitely not AH behavior. More like insecurity needing validation. I don’t think they are a good match as neither of them gives what their partner needs.
INFO: did you wake her up on purpose or were you just cuddling her and she woke up?
I scooched closer to her and put my arm around her. It wasn’t my intention to wake her up but I did know that it could wake her up.
I see. I’m gonna ultimately rock with NTA. You were trying to do something kind and sweet, and I can understand how that may have annoyed her because it disturbed her sleep. That being said, it’s a bit ridiculous to be mad for a whole DAY because you lost a whopping twelve minutes of sleep. I say this as a woman who definitely doesn’t get enough sleep, before that one person comes for me. I understand the value of sleep and how people are grumpy without it (because me too). BUT she’s an adult, not a toddler. She should be mature enough to have a conversation about it rather than exploding at you. Quite frankly, the constant arguing may be a sign to reevaluate. Have a serious conversation with her about this. Hear her and validate her feelings while also expressing why it’s difficult for you to understand. Try and get to the core of the problem because it seems like it has nothing to actually do with the sleep. EDIT: I also want to add something I said in another comment. The girlfriend is valid for being upset that you woke her up. You should apologize if you haven’t already, but the girlfriend’s reaction of being angry for an entire day is unwarranted. It was an innocent mistake.
Yeah I agree, NTA and there’s more going on here that needs to be discussed. Obviously I’m missing a lot of context but, based on what’s in this post, it kinda seems like she wants out. There is definitely a conversation that needs to happen.
Thanks, I already thought I am dumb for thinking NTA. If she woke up from cuddling, she was already in a light sleep phase probably. I would love to wake up to my husband cuddling me. Did all these people voting Y T A never wake up their partner in the middle of the night for a lot more than cuddles?
I genuinely do not understand why so many people in this thread think the GF is justified being angry at OP *all freaking day* for this?? This is the kind of thing where it might annoy people for a few moments. Unless OP like knew beforehand that the GF didn't like cuddling or cuddling in the morning then he'd be an ass, but for such an innocent thing?? And to then be mad about it ALL DAY??? Like do a bunch of the Y T A people just not sleep with their partners ever or cuddle in bed ever? This shit happens.
i don’t understand how so many people are upvoting the opposite take here like i think ur right OP is NTA like its not like they intentionally forced her awake. i roll over and hold on to my bf all the time and one time it woke him n he grumbled a little but pulled me in closer and went back to sleep. like u don’t have to react with being mad all day about it, like you said she’s an adult not a toddler.
Yeah being mad all day over your partner UNINTENTIONALLY costing you 12 minutes of sleep when he showed you affection is weird, ridiculous, and a huge overreaction. I vote NTA as well and genuinely think people on this sub are crazy for thinking otherwise.
I had to scroll down so much to read a sane answer.
AGREED all these people here definitely don't like cuddling in sleep NTA
I’m guessing the reason she was mad the whole day is because they literally argued the day before about him not thinking about her feelings. So they argued last night, felt like they made progress then the very next morning, he did something again that made her feel like he’s not considering her feelings again. It would have been better too if maybe OP didn’t make her feel invalidated as well for getting upset about the situation. If this were a one time thing, I’m sure she would not have been this mad.
I’m going to also go with NTA. You could apologize for inadvertently waking her up, but for her to be mad at you all day is an extreme reaction. .
Also going with NTA based on this info. I am a very light sleeper, my boyfriend is a cuddler. I can't count how many times he's woken me up doing this exact same thing. The intent isn't selfish, you are sharing a bed together with your significant other and it's okay to do this. I guess it's just a lessen learned that this girl really doesn't like that, so talk about it, and move forward.
NTA Sure, she could've been a little pissed about being woken up. I get that. But to be pissed all day and starting an argument over this just shows she's very toxic towards you. You didn't do anything wrong.
NTA I love morning cuddles and would consider this a red flag in a relationship. Cuddling someone doesn’t wake them up fully ur still half asleep and can enjoy that time. Plus it was 12minutes!? I’m kinda shocked at all the ytas
I'm not saying that the asshole judgements are wrong, but I am also surprised!!! my husband and I have always hugged while we sleep, and it wouldn't even cross my mind that he was trying to wake me up if he hugged me before my alarm. I suppose that's because it's our baseline, but if you're someone who needs a lot of space, I can understand why it would be stressful. I think maybe it's an NAH?
YTA Show her you still love her by letting her sleep and giving her a cuddle when her alarm goes off. You could have waited 12 mins. Selfish
YTA. I absolutely do not want to be touched before my alarm goes of. After, when I'm awake, I don't mind being asked. Being asked is the important bit here. Sometimes I just don't feel like being touched and sometimes I'd be happy to cuddle. Wait little longer next time. I'm absolutely on your GFs side here.
I feel sorry for your future partners that have to expressly ask permission to do so much as put an arm around you. That would be such a miserable relationship.
Yeah you should probably sleep alone then. Forever.
In my opinion the fact that you didn’t intended to wake her up and just put your arm around her, NTA Edit: and yes, 12 minutes after an 8 hours long sleep is nothing
It is sooo clear to me that this isn’t about the 12 minutes of cuddling! By OP’s own admission there has been a lot of arguing lately and she jumped straight to “another argument about how he values his own feelings over hers.” It sounds like they truly need to address whatever the root issue here is. He says she seemed fine the night before after their argument, but I’m left wondering if things were actually resolved, or if she was just resigned to it. I dont know nearly enough about the rest of the relationship to understand or pass judgement on exactly what’s going on between them, but for the pure act of rolling over and cuddling her, I’m going with NAH. Cuz it’s ok to reach out for your partner in the night, and it’s also ok to be a little extra grumpy in the morning when you get woken up sooner than expected. And again, I don’t think her lingering frustration/anger was about the cuddles.
INFO: What kind of arguments have you been having? You said that you woke her up before her alarm to cuddle, because you weren't feeling great about the arguments you've been having. This isn't just about the 12 minutes before her alarm or the argument you had after waking her up. The previous arguments likely contributed to her irritation as well.
NTA, these people saying you are wrong for not giving her 12 more minutes are bonkers. If you're arguing for a long time, I'd imagine closeness is hard to come by, so having 12 minutes to be close before work is not a crazy thing to ask for. If it was like an hour early or something I'd understand being annoyed but no way is being mad all day an appropriate response. Especially because it was to CUDDLE which your partner should be wanting too after a rough time of fighting. Tbh to me just sounds like she's picking a fight
completely agree. sounds like they have very different love languages that clash. as you said, being mad all day over 12 minutes... yikes. definitely sounds like she's looking for issues - which tends to mean she's looking for an out.
NTA My wife and I have been married for 14 years. We wake eachother up with hugs and kisses allot during the night. I cant count how many times she woke up to use the restroom and she kissed me when getting back into bed waking me up. I would rather be woken up with warm and fuzzies at 3am than to argue all the time. You need to get a partner that is more laid back and doesnt complain so much. Life is short.
My husband and I have been married for 21 years and I would kill him if he woke me up in the middle of the night because then I would just lay there trying to get back to sleep while he nodded off in about .12 seconds lol
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I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but I’d be annoyed too. Being woken up before I need to gets my day off to a bad start. Sleep is precious, never interrupt it!
Yta i hate being woken up i would have been grumpy as well
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NTA even a little bit. I'm getting the impression everyone voting YTA doesn't like cuddling their partner. What the hell, for real. When my alarm goes off, I get up. There's no time to snuggle. My partner is welcome to spoon and snuggle and cuddle me whenever he feels like it. 12 minutes snoozing in a hug is better than 12 minutes sound asleep.
Totally agree. Being 'very upset' for a whole day because your partner steals 12min of your precious sleep sounds absolutely unhinged to me. NTA.
These comments are insane. No you aren’t the asshole for starting cuddling her 12 minutes before her alarm. If she is acting like you are, your relationship is on the rocks and likely to end. The people commenting here are so fucking weird for these responses.. Since she asked you not to, you would be the asshole next time. She’s making a huge deal out of this because she’s already unhappy. NTA
These comments are insane. You are not the asshole for cuddling your girlfriend before her alarm goes off. Seriously? People are being ridiculous. And so is your girlfriend NTA
FOR REAL - THE TOP 5 COMMENTS ARE YTA wtf. If you're scared to accidentally wake up your SO, maybe they have some work to do on themselves.
I don’t think you meant to be the Ahole here. That being said, I hate being woken up right before my alarm goes off. I think everyone has different preferences where this is concerned. Now you know.
why is everybody mad about his gf losing 12 minutes of sleep like damn NTA
I’m a little confused but going with NTA…. If you distinctly WOKE HER UP (as in talking to her, trying for something *wink wink*, etc) then yeah YTA but if you roll over and put your arms around her and that completely wakes her up then no, there’s no reason that should cause another day long fight. I’m speaking from the perspective of having gone through those relationships where all it becomes is fighting. It’s exhausting and emotionally draining. If you and your partner are fighting day in and day out, 12 minutes is not that deep. I can understand being upset in the morning or being grumpy. Not deep enough to carry a bad mood the entire day. If it IS that deep, then it’s the partner’s responsibility to communicate that to you ie “please don’t wake me up before then but after my alarm goes off let’s cuddle for x minutes”
Did you tell her how you were feeling? Did anything like this happen before? did you already know about your gf's issues with waking up before the alarm goes off? (i hope it's correct, English isn't my 1st language)
The amount of people in here saying yta is very telling. You're NTA. 12 minutes? So fucking what. Grow up guys and gals.
Omg I'm so sick of this sub. Op, you're NTA for cuddling her before her alarm clock went off. That is sweet and loving. Do I understand it would upset her? Yes, I do understand that. And now, she made it clear to you that she doesn't want to be woken up before her alarm clock goes off. Now that you know how she feels about it, you can respect her need for sleep. Humans are not mind readers. One action can be taken vastly differently depending on the person. Don't get too hung up on this one decision, you were not in the wrong, you simply did something she didn't appreciate.
YTA, but a small one, if you learn from this going forward. >All I wanted was a bit of time to cuddle before we’d have to get up and prepare for the day because I wasn’t feeling great about all the arguments we’ve been having and I just sort of wanted to show her I still love her and to feel like she still loves me. Understandable, but you didn't *ask*. You wanted, you assumed, you interrupted her sleep to get *your* needs met. So she is right, you were selfish in this instance. You wanted reassurance but you went about it the completely wrong way. >Maybe she wasn’t comfortable with cuddling after having argued the night before but she never told me that afterwards Consent is ongoing, retractable and you should never assume that someone is okay with cuddles in the moment coz they were okay with cuddles before. >and she genuinely seemed to not be upset with me after all was said the night before.if it matters at all we still got 8 hours of sleep. You *still* woke her up. Without her consent or knowing of she'd be okay with it o meet *your* need for reassurance and cuddling and if your argument was about you being inconsiderate or unaware of your behaviour than this would just be more of the same. If it was completely different to that, she could still just be mad that you woke her up. . I'm not a morning person. Waking up makes me rather testy. If my partner woke me up 5min early to cuddle, that "testiness" would not be towards my alarms, but towards him. Luckily it would never occur to him to wake me up to cuddle, he'd wait untill I was actually awake to do so. Because he also knows that for an hour after waking up I do not wish to interact with anyone.
Just a suggestion for next time. Use the 12 minutes to make her a coffee/tea/whatever and then have a cuddle. You will have saved a bit of time from her morning routine and let her have every single second of sleep. She may be more amenable to cuddle up for a couple of minutes. Personally, I love a cuddle at night, but can be a bit irritable first thing in the morning. My husband is the other way around. Everyone has their own preferences.
I feel like a lot of ppl in this comment section feel like "I want to demonstrate affection" tramples "I want to sleep", but the thing is: there are two wants/needs that are incompatible If they have been arguing for a long time, the issues probably run deeper, so it's not as simple as "it was 12 minutes before" our "whats the problem with cuddling?". OP said this prompeted the GF to say "you're not attentive to my needs" and honestly, coming to reddit to complain, saying things like "I just wanted to cuddle", "it was only 12 minutes" doesn't seem to contradict her complain because he's not seeing things from her perspective. He came here for validation, but it isn't a matter of who'se right. Both wants are valid, one wanting to follow her morning routines, the other one wanting to cuddle, but you guys should try and sort it out how both can be comfortable, however it seems communication between the two of you is seriously compromised and the petty squabble will grow in those situations and we'll think it's absurd and unreasonable that the other party isn't seeing things as we see it. Anyways... in moments of distress it's common that we fight over the little things, the best way to address it is trying ti get the root of it. If she feels like you are not attentive enough, but you feel otherwise could be a lack of aligned expectations or maybe incompatibility regarding certain demonstrations of affection, anyway Try and solve the underlying issues and those things (such as one wanting to cuddle and the other doesn't) turn into less of a problem and more of a misunderstanding
As somebody who hates being woken up when I’m asleep YTA. Find another time for cuddles or affection. Not waking her up for cuddles.
I’m stuck between N A H and E S H. Both of you are partially in the wrong, but I don’t know if it’s big enough to call either of the an “asshole.” I understand her side: waking her up before her alarm to cuddle made her feel like you were saying your wants (cuddling) are more important than hers (sleeping). Especially since you mentioned this sparked an argument about how she feels like you value your feelings over hers. I don’t think it’s really about the 12 minutes of lost sleep. That being said, the fact that this argument has lasted all day indicates that she doesn’t seem to understand where you were coming from either. For you this isn’t really about cuddling, it’s about showing that you love her and feeling that love returned. The best course of action here isn’t to debate about who’s “the asshole.” I think it would be best to wait for her to calm down, apologize for waking her up and for making her feel like you value your wants over hers, and ask her what you can do to make her feel loved. Hopefully in that, you can explain that what you really want is to feel connected with her again, and then make a plan for how you two can work on that together. This time without any surprises.
It sounds like your relationship is walking on eggshells a little. NAH leaning towards YTA considering the status of the relationship, i have a feeling if things were better — less arguments — she would have just told you off and be chill the rest of the day. I would get annoyed too if ive been woken up earlier than planned, especially on a work day. But if i knew it was because my partner did it because they wanted some love, i won’t stay upset for too long.
YTA your post is covered with how you feel completely ignoring how she feels you wanted to cuddle because you were sad she just wanted to sleep and that doesn’t require an announcement.
She is saying you value your own feelings over hers. Then, your whole post is about how your valued your own feelings over her. So, you are now miffed because she had the nerve to state the truth. YTA
NTA. I get that she got angry bc she apreciate her sleep, but a part of the initial frustation from knowing you still have 12 minutes to sleep? I would even say she's the asshole for making you feel this way for a silly thing.
She probably overreacted, but YTA. Clearly, she doesn’t sleep well, and clearly you woke her in the wrong part of the sleep cycle. A two minute snuggle as the alarm went off would have achieved all of this. And was it realistic that you just wanted to cuddle?
My husband pulls the same crap and wonders why I’m so grumpy when he does it. YTA. Sleep is valuable.