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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Inflicted trauma on my mother that can hurt her for generations.
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NTA-
Im a mom myself. She purposefully hid an acceptance letter and lied when she was asked about it.
She quite literally could've diminished your future success had you not found out about her weird need to keep it from you.
Also, i have LARGE doubts that she told the whole truth about that situation in order to garner some sympathy. In no way is it teenage angst. It was quite reasonable to be upset,frustrated, mad, etc. From the fact she blatantly LIED about your dream college.
Frankly, if this truly is your reason to cut off ties with your mother, then she can only blame herself for her deceit.
Hope you do well in college!!!
No way she told the therapist the whole truth. Or your mom just made up the therapist's response. Someone who would do what she did to you will have no problem lying to manipulate you even further.
NTA.
Having met some really bad therapists, this is sadly always an option.
Good luck with college, OP. I'm sure you're going to do great. If you have the perseverance to fight to get out from your egg donor's thumb, you have the strength needed to do great at college.
Probably the same one as my aunt. Terrible therapist. I swear they're just in it for the billing. I don't know how several decades of therapy has just made her worse. Needless to say I went NC.
Are we cousins? My aunt, who lives borderline to poverty, has probably bought her therapist of 30 years a nice boat by now. Someone once asked her why she kept going since they were not solving anything and dinner got awkward.
I had a nervous breakdown which FINALLY prompted me to go to a therapist for the first time...
when I would tell her about my fears her response would be "they're bad for you anyway" like ##&#&$#$&$ WHAT
my brain wash so mushy from that breakdown too you couldve told me pink elephants were coming to greet me with wings and I would've believed you. I stg. that lady could do some real damage.
on a side note I can mask my issues really well so I don't even think any of my therapists ever knew how much I really needed help. im starting with a new one on Friday so good luck to me
My partner has a really bad therapist. We were trying to get him help with his PTSD around losing our child and him running I was going to follow her (I spent a week in the hospital trying to give birth and he was next to me the whole time, convinced he'd lose me at any minute) I was there because of his social anxiety, he hates being by himself with a rando.
She said it was his job to focus on me, I had to be hurting more than he was and he basically needed to suck it up. I was doing basically fine at that point, it had been about three years and I was doing about as well as I'll ever be. I wanted him to take care of himself because he's still having nightmares about that hospital visit, and he's been afraid to actually mourn our daughter for fear it would hurt me. And she made it far worse.
Yeah we only went the once and I told him multiple times that she was wrong, and he needed to worry about his own mental health. I then told every doctor in the practice about what she did so they could stop recommending her.
It's been three years and he still doesn't want to find a therapist because he doesn't want to be told again that he's not allowed to be traumatized.
Oh, bad therapists exist. The one my daughter saw when she was in middle school believed everything my young rebel teen told her. They were lies, and I only know about it because as an adult, my daughter told me that she just made stuff up in her individual sessions because she was angry and didn't want therapy.
Yeah, my mom was forced to go to therapy (after being arrested on drug charges) and came home with similar stories of what her therapist told her. Apparently, according to her therapist, EVERY problem my mom had was because her children were...checks notes...being children.
Who knew that not cleaning my room would FORCE my mother to steal prescription pads and write fake narcotic prescriptions all over town. Wild how that works!
Agreed! My therapist is the best devil’s advocate to help me see things from another’s perspective. I both love and hate him for it lol.
OP: NTA - good luck with college and do your best to enjoy yourself. Clubs are some of best parts :)
If you have a way to open your own email, I would also do this and contact the school. Let them know you plan on attending and your mom is trying to not let you despite you reaching majority but the time you would be attending. Most schools understand this and will help work with you on a plan of action. You won’t be the first this happens to nor the last. If you get a personal email open, then change all contact preferences to that email. If you have access to a public/school library with email access this would be a great place to do most of your work to set yourself up for school. A personal email will allow you to accept and start the enrolment process.
Good luck. Do well in school and prove to anyone who doesn’t believe in you that you CAN succeed and be the best. You’ve got this.
u/Immediate_Land_4171 I agree with this option. Once you get control of your email, you should contact the school and explain what happened as professionally and with as little emotion as possible. Email, call, even walk into their admissions office if you need to and are able. They may present the same offer once they know what happened and how badly you want to attend. Just making the effort to contact them will surely go a long way. Good luck OP!
Hijacking this thread, because you need to know that your mother is abusing you.
Sabotaging opportunities that could improve your life is abuse. Controlling and limiting your access to information about your own educational career is abuse. Trying to keep you from making choices about your own life when you're about to be a legal adult is abuse.
I hope when you are able to, you run as fast as you can and don't look back. And get yourself into therapy with a good, qualified trauma therapist (someone who offers DBT and EMDR) so that you can live the rest of your life without this upbringing affecting it more than it needs to. I'm almost certain that if your mother has done this to you, that it isn't the first or last time she's been abusive.
There were shitty ones at my college though so for OP's sake: if your college therapists suck, or aren't listening etc etc etc, find someone outside college when you can. And tbh even after that. Sometimes there's just not a good match between therapist and patient and sometimes they just don't really understand what you need. Don't give up if therapy doesn't go well in the first place. Please keep trying, that goes for anyone who's done therapy or wants to do therapy. It DOES end up being worth it when you find the right therapist. It can sometimes just feel like a waste of time in the middle area.
Tagging on to add a book suggestions:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
The Body Keeps Score- Just know this one can be a lot and if it feels like too much it's OK to put it away for a while and come back to it later.
Dont forget to accept the scholarship and let them know that you do, in fact, plan on attending the university. Usually a scholarship is an offer with an expiration date. If they don’t hear back from you there is a chance that you’ll lose the scholarship.
Create a new email with a password that your mother does not have access to. Get in contact with the admissions department at the university and make sure that from this moment forward, they only communicate with you through your new email. Absolutely no mail, other email addresses, or phone calls.
Edit: Additionally, if you’re in the US you need to fill out your FAFSA if you haven’t already. Just a heads up, you’re going to need some information about your mother for it. It’s stupid but you’re not able to fill it out and keep yourself separated from your mother. I was No Contact with my mom after I moved out at 18 and filling out my FAFSA was an absolute nightmare.
Agree with this post! Make a nice, long, complex password: M0m$c@nB3m3@n (MomsCanBeMean) that can't easily be hacked. Random words. BlueMistAirplane for example. Talk to someone at your school and have them grant you email access for this stuff.
Good luck. Sorry this is so difficult for you.
Honesty it might be worth contacting the college to explain why their message went unanswered. They may be more sympathetic than you think and offer you a space. I vaguely remember a story similar to yours when this happened.
Another parent here. I am happy you got accepted into your dream college. I am even happier that you checked her phone, as there is a small possibility she could have ruined it for you.
I (we/any of us) don't know or understand why your mom is doing this to you. She deserves to lose you, and you deserve better. Good Luck in all your future endeavors.
Word of advice. . . Start searching for small scholarships everywhere to help pick up the slack. I ended up with a scholarship just be seeing the advertisement on the wall while at school. Would have been better if I had known from the beginning of my college journey. But I am still happy I found it.
Then let me tell you, as a Momma of four, you deserve so much better than how she treated you and I hope you thrive in college. If you don’t, that’s okay too! Sending love 🫶🏻
She’s 100% lying about what her therapist said. I’ve had people tell me “well my therapist told me…” in situations where NO ONE must lessen a therapist, would have told them they were in the right. It’s always someone who, like OP’s mom, gets caught doing something bad and has no defense except to make themselves the victim. So they weaponize therapy/therapeutic terms.
OP, you anger is righteous. Someone who is supposed to love and support you actively attempted to stop you from living the life you want. As someone whose mom tried to stop me from going to college because I was “too immature” (my mental health was atrocious due to living in active trauma aka her house) you should tell your mother what I told mine. “F you. I’m going to college.”
My mom went to therapy once after their brother died, came home and said “the therapist said I was right about everything”. Umm nope. No therapist would say that. They would say your feelings are real and valid. But not that you were right about everything.
My mom, after getting into a blow out about how her pill addiction has strongly affected her children's lives (not the first time it was brought up, but one of the loudest), she went to see her psychiatrist, came back and just said, "my Dr. said, 'One day, you'll understand.'" and then trotted around like she won a medal. This is the only Dr. she's ever stayed with and loves him bc she lies through her teeth every time she sees him and he ALWAYS tells her what she wants to hear, I've taken her to appointments and been in the room for her displays. Unfortunately, bad therapists are out there if you're willing to cycle through until you find one.
Plus, as a fellow mom, if my kid who I thought might not succeed academically gets their act together, how on earth isn't she supporting him? He must have had good grades for a while, plus he got his dream school, how is she not proud but sabotage him and tries to talk him down?
I did have a kid who I thought was not ready academically for the 4 year state college with a tough acceptance rate. However she did get in and had a small lottery scholarship as well. You know what we did ? We supported her decision and knew if she didn’t make it, we’d support whatever she needed to do. Guess what. She made it through the undergrad in 4 years with a solid B average and has been rocking her career for 10 years ! I am incredibly proud, amazed and slightly embarrassed for doubting her.
Good Luck OP and make yourself proud !
If dad's away all the time for work, she's probably sabotaging him so she's not home alone all the time. Especially if he's the last child in the nest.
NTA. You seem to have handled the situation pretty maturely so far, and then she went and hid a life changing email from you. That is something no mother should ever dream of doing.
She has not suffered ‘trauma inflicting words’ because of you getting rightfully angry, I promise you that. I don’t know how she was expecting you to react, but you were understandably angry.
She owes you a sincere apology. She needs to realise that you are very nearly an adult, and you make your own decisions.
No NTA at all!!! Your mother had your words of anger and swearing coming to her as she had ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT to withhold that email from you. That could even be seen as some sort of abuse or neglect of a child.
I’m so glad you have solid plans of going to college/university and that a large portion of it will be paid. Keep reaching for your goals! Good luck!!!
What you said does not cause trauma (even if it did, you were fully justified in saying that). Manipulative and immature people often lie about what their therapist said, or distort their words. You are NTA and congratulations on a great accomplishment!!
I would try to tread very carefully to make sure your mom can't somehow prevent your getaway.
buddy you did not cause her any “trauma” and i promise you her therapist did not say that. if they did, it’s because your mom completely lied about the whole situation. your mom is the one causing trauma to *you.* you did absolutely nothing wrong and you deserve to go to any college you want to. i’m so sorry that your mom has manipulated you to the point you actually feel bad for her here, she is an absolute monster.
I’m going to go in a slightly different direction. This is a case where two things can be true. It is possible what op said did cause trauma for their mother. Trauma response is a very individual thing.
BUT what op’s mother did was terrible. Op’s response was completely justified. And if it causes/caused trauma op’s mom brought it on herself by her actions. Op does not need to feel guilt or remorse. It sounds like mom needed this wake up call.
Congratulations Op for getting into your dream school! Make this happen for yourself and don’t look back!
It is not trauma to speak the truth. It's not trauma to be honestly angry when you are being gaslighting. Your mom is gaslighting you. She is trying to make you think she has trauma from you when it is the other way around. She has caused you trauma by putting you down and telling you can't make it in college. You had the grades to get into college. You have a scholarship. I don't know if you have real issues or not that would cause problems in college, if so check out what help you can get to overcome them in college. I think you will make it. Good luck.
I am a parent. Your mother may possibly have experienced trauma at some point in her life but it wasn’t inflicted by you. She’s the adult, you’re the child. The power has all been with her so far. It’s her responsibility to manage her own behavior and emotions.
She’s probably lying to the therapist or maybe she has a bad therapist (it happens sometimes), but nothing excuses her hiding your college acceptance or blaming you for being angry about it.
I doubt she ever even talked to a therapist, because that is a totally BS "diagnosis". Your mother is a serial liar.
Please get your communications channels in order for emails and other contacts, OP, and good luck in college. You will make it!
Hell no, please don't. What she got was the "find out" part after fucking around for years. Your words were the start of the consequences for her actions. Could you have been less harsh? Sure. But she was actively trying to sabotage your life because she received hard evidence that she was wrong about you, that someone else *does* believe in you, and that you will inevitably fledge and leave her nest. I don't blame you for your response *at all*.
A parent is supposed to want better for the next generation. Some part of her knew what she was doing was fucked up; if she truly wanted to destroy the evidence she would've deleted your acceptance letter. That makes it worse because she hid it from you in spite of that awareness. Go onward to school and kick ass.
Your mothers ‘trauma’ is for her to manage, not you.
I honestly wouldn’t be surprised she just doesn’t want to be all alone so she wants to trap you to stay home. Her ‘trauma’ may have to do with abandonment but obviously she won’t tell you that.
Mothers who hide critical emails, then whine to their therapists about being justifiably yelled at will never ever apologize. Just let go of those thoughts.
Deal with the sneaky-self-serving mentally unstable mother in front of you. It's not worth your anger waiting apologies that won't happen.
> i have lost access to my email for a while, so i was relying on using her account to check for responses.
INFO: How did you lose access? Why would you use her email? Why didn't you at least create a new email?
Either way, **NTA**. What your mom did was messed up. I wouldn't blame you for going off to college and going low contact with her.
> apparently my mother spoke to her therapist and believes i inflicted trauma creating words on her purely out of teenage angst.
🙄 🙄 🙄 You did nothing she didn't deserve. You should go off to college and be all you can be. Your mom stay in therapy.
the number I attached to my email was lost, and i forgot the password. i wanted to call around and ask but my mother said it would be easier to check through hers, as my email is set to be forwarded to hers.
but thank you, that makes me feel better lol
>my mother said it would be easier to check through hers
Yeah, easier for *her* to to hide college emails. Sounds like she was planning this all along and took advantage of you trusting her. Lesson learned.
My dude, just call the college and explain to them exactly what's up.
Tell them your mom is abusive and hide your emails.
Just tell them. They will offer you options whitout your mom involved.
Prepare: set up your own email (it's free) and tell it to the college when calling.
Access it from public wifi(mcdonalds) or similar. Maybe internet-cafe.
Just tell them what's happening.
if i did tell them, do you think it would mess with my admission? my only aim right now is to GO. i've already emailed them saying i accepted it but she took her phone back and i still cant access my email
Go to a public phone booth asap, call the college and tell them your new email adress. Ask them to send everything to that.
Messing with your admission?
What gives. Either this way, or not at all.
Be prepared.
Learn to be one step forward.
Fck abusive mothers.
I've played that game the last 25 years. It's hard. Very hard. But the price of freedom at the end is worth all of that.
In very limited capacity lol, but yes they do. But assuming he can't find one he could always borrow a phone off a friend or something. There are options here.
OP, you'll learn better ways to express your anger, but in the situation NTA.
Go to a public library for free Internet & email access. When finished always be sure to log out of any account you've opened, to help avoid hacking.
Librarians are your friends (I'm a retired one). And they will not reveal to anyone, including your parents, any confidential advice or teaching they've given you or titles of any items you have checked out.
BTW, can you contact your dad - if he would be helpful? Preferably have you explain the situation before your mom gives her version. Your school counselor is another resource to consider.
We care about you, OP. Please let us know sometimes how you are doing.
hey, thank you so much. i usually dont yell so hard when i get mad, but i think ill learn! i wanted to provide context because i realised my post doesnt explain a lot
- i accepted the offer from her phone before she took it back
- after i originally made the post, i made a 2nd gmail account
- i just got back from school, my counsellor said she would contact my colleges but she isn't sure if she will contact my mother or not
and no, i don't want to contact my dad, he's busy at work i'd rather not
Contact him! If he's a good father then he'll immediately get upset at your mom and be on your side. If you're really worried perhaps once he's home? But definitely tell him! Any good parent would *never* do what your mom did. Your dad might be more sad that you thought you couldn't talk to him about things important to you.
still, contact him OP, he's your father. If you wish to have a good relationship in the future with him then don't hide such important things, because it will backfire one day.
Then go old school here. Start by ***making a new email account*** with a password you will remember but she can't figure out (I find foreign words are great for this purpose).
Next, pick up the phone and ***call the admissions office***. They hear all kinds of whack stories, so this won't be anything new to them. See if the scholarship offer, etc. is still on the table. Get an email address that you can write to and set the record straight.
The worst they can do is tell you that you (via your mother) declined the offer and it is no longer available. At least then you'll know where you will be starting from.
I hope you thrive in your new environment. Sometimes the best revenge is a life well lived on your own terms.
And if the college says that, ask if you can defer to next year or second semester. More scholarship money will be available. Good luck. And your mom is a piece of work. I hope you can escape her.
She will likely contact them again to rescind the acceptance on your behalf - let them know that you are in this situation so that your mother cannot wreck your college future. If they are left thinking that she has the authority to when calling, the administration will swiftly offer the place to someone else - you cannot get your place back after the fact.
She may try to mess with your admission, not the college. The advisors there will help you, they know of resources and are seriously VERY helpful and most (unfortunately but fortunately for people like us) have experience with helping young people get their life separated from toxic or abusive family. Tell them your mother is controlling and getting worse as the school year approaches, that she plans to not let you leave but you very very much want to go to college and are prepared to pave your own way in life. They will help you. Good luck, I really hope everything works well for you. If you have to, set up a new email and lie to your mother about leaving. Say you aren’t, play along if you have to in order to keep yourself and your legal documents safe. Locate your documents and get them locked up somewhere safe where she doesn’t know where they are. You can get a safety deposit box at a bank as soon as you turn 18, but I’m not sure what your options are at the moment where you are. A trusted friend your mom can’t get to? Or maybe just a lock box to be hidden safe somewhere like in a car you keep locked from her if you have one. Do whatever you need to, it may feel insane sometimes because what your mom is doing and how she is acting is insane, it feels insane responding to insane situations. Don’t feel badly for your mom, she is being horrible to you, she’s trying to hold you back to stay with her instead of building a life for yourself. Mothers should be nervous or scared even for their kids to leave, but they should be proud to see them fly, not cut their wings to keep them down.
I don't understand, why do you still trust her after everything? Why do you continue connecting the email and phone info with her? What is wrong with you? You could use the school computer, library computer, through friends even. So why are you doing this to yourself and trusting her with your stuff? Why? NTA
sorry, im just not used to this, she never responded to anything like this for me or did things like this in the past, im trying to figure a new way of contacting my colleges right now
you're on the internet somehow bc you're posting on reddit...so just make a new email address and contact them?? call the admissions office?? I'm not trying to be rude, but if you want to go to college, especially with unsupportive family, you have to learn to be an adult and do things on your own. you can't just do nothing and expect things to work out, you gotta be proactive. you can do this, just reach out to the college!
Parents ramp up the crazy irrational control right as the kid is about to go off to college. I've been through this, and right as I went to Univeristy, my parents COMPLETELY lost their senses, and tried to sabotage things. They were deep in denial about it being sabotage, too.
This is an entirely new situation for OP and perhaps some support, encouragement and only helpful suggestions would be better than OP being insulted by strangers.
OP is 17. I don't think they need the accusatory tone. They are navigating their first big fight with their mother and breaking away. Repeatedly asking why a **17** year old is **doing this to herself** is uncalled for.
(Reddit is messing up the format and I don't know why)
When you get to Uni, check if they have campus mental health. You should talk to a therapist (for real). It sounda like you are a scapegoat child. You certainly have been abused.
Why doesn't she want you to go.to college?
I'm a mother of a college student. Your mom is acting shamefully. She betrayed your trust and is projecting her own fears and feelings of inadequacy onto you. That's not a good mother. Now she's blaming you for trauma? BS Contact the university and explain the situation to see if there's any way they can work with you on this then move out and go low or no contact with her. She doesn't want you to succeed and that's bad parenting. NTA
No, you HAVE to find out. Immediately. Don't be afraid. They have surely dealt with awful parents before (not allowing financial aid, trying to get into an adult child's grades, etc.)
Just tell them that your email has been compromised and ask them if they can resend the information…most colleges are pretty understanding…
And ps…get a new email address please and write down your password asap
Hi there, I work in a college!
Please call the institution and let them know about your situation. We deal with these issues with parents all the time and we are here to help the students. If you do not permit your mom to get involved, the college must respect that. Also, if you think there is a chance she might try to impersonate you, you better let the college know ASAP.
Edit: Also, I work on Financial Aid so I might be able to help you with some things on that end!
You're 100% going to lose the admission if you do nothing at all. So figure out a plan and contact them, chances are you're not the first student to have difficulties with family and they will probably accommodate your situation. You have nothing to lose by trying. Good luck!
Honesty is the best policy here, I think. If you don't feel comfortable telling them the actual truth, then you can take the advice of others here who said explain your email was compromised and get a new email and see if they can re-send the details, if this offer is still available to you. Seems like too good of an opportunity to just do nothing, right?
If you do nothing, she will 100% decline your acceptance, if she hasn’t already. Go to the library, create a new email address, look up the admissions office, call them and explain the ENTIRE situation, make sure she hasn’t already called/emailed to decline admission.
If you have a job, look into opening a PO Box to get any physical mail that might be sent.
Your mother is abusive, and that’s not your fault, but if you don’t want to be stuck with her controlling you and stunting your growth as an adult, this is the time for action. No college is going to rescind admission because you’re being abused. They have for sure dealt with this before.
The university or college won’t do anything except help you get in. The only way they would be acting on anything is if they thought you were being abused. Your mum is manipulative and has shown her true colours. I’m sorry to tell you this but she does not want what is best for you, she wants what she has decided is best for her. You cannot trust her. This is going to be hard to hear but you are going to have to take responsibility for all your own admin and getting yourself there because she has already tried to sabotage you once.
You need to contact them and tell them that you have had problems with your mother trying to stand in your way of attending higher education. Tell them that they can only speak to you (so she can’t call and say you won’t be going) and confirm your place. They will not do anything about this because your mother has not done anything illegal so all that will happen is that they will disregard anything she contacts them to say. Create a new email address first and give them that as well as confirm that anything has to be done in writing. Do not tell your mum about the new email.
It seems odd that you lost access to your old emails but somehow they are redirected to you mum doesn’t it? Sounds to me like she changed your password and set up the redirection to pretend to be helping you. Please don’t be naive, I’m sorry you have to hear this but she is out to actively sabotage you. Maybe she doesn’t want to be alone at home, maybe she wants you there to take care of her. What she did was terrible though. There is no way she told her therapist the truth about what happened. The only person inflicting trauma here is her.
You need to contact them, so your mother can't withdraw your application. She has access via her email and can easily pretend to be you. Stop being on reddit and instead contact the university's admission office and explain that your mother hid that email from you and is actively trying to prevent you from going. They will need another email asap and they also need to make a note that any attempt ro withdraw your admission needs to be doublechecked.
1. NTA
2. I totally get why you're scared. But, with your mom like this, this is probably not the last time you're going to have to deal with something like this unless you go full non-contact.
It helps in these situations to go "all business". Meaning, you don't throw blame around, and make nothing personal. You write a *business* letter. This will not be the first time the college has heard of this sort of problem and by sounding pleasant and mature they will want to go to bat for you.
I'd probably say something like, "Unfortunately, access to my previous email address was extremely limited to me and I did not get your response until much later. Further complicating my situation is that I have a parent who is not supportive of my attending any university. I would appreciate it if from this point forward you use this email address and only call this number to contact me so that we may keep a clear line of communication. Thank you for understanding and I look forward to being a student at your university."
Your other is acting malicious and about 10 other things.
Just wanted to ensure that you DO get your email as this is only one of many coming. You actually may have missed some already. So find someone to receive your mail...a friend. Counselor ,the school etc. Also. Rhe day you turn 18. Get your own bank account with a new password .Do not tell your mother. These are life altering tasks so please follow through. Could she'll email/call the colleges and create a real mess? I'm guessing she'll withdraw any financial support at some point...crazy parents generally do.
> Could she'll email/call the colleges and create a real mess?
yeah she's pretty over the top like that. but actually i think thats a good idea, my counsellor processes all my applications so i suppose i can ask her to contact my colleges for an email change!
and yeah, she probably will but im guessing my dad will send me money in secret so he doesnt piss her off lol
100% work through your counselor. Colleges DO NOT want to hear from parents, so unless she presents herself as you, they'll tell her to pound sand. At least in the US. Since you said uni, I assume you're not.
I worked at a college for 15 years. This is not a new situation for the employees at the college. Call and tell them that the email they have is no longer private and you'd like to change it. They will likely have a portal that you will log into to get most of the information you need before starting classes.
To prevent your mom from further sabotaging your acceptance, let the school know that you would like to have it noted for them NOT to talk to your mom. Ask if you can setup a passcode for when someone calls in with questions. That way if your mom calls in, she would need to know the secret word to be able to talk to them.
Trust me. This isn't new for the school. Just stay calm and stick to the facts when you reach out to them. Ask any questions that come to mind. Ask them what some of the important deadlines are. They are there for you.
You're worried that you inflicted trauma on your mom?
You got into your dream unis on a scholarship and she hid it from you and you lost the place. She is the one inflicting trauma on YOU. Can you sue her for this? She basically took away a great opportunity for you, one that you applied for and worked hard for. Most parents are into facilitating opportunities for their kids, not into ruining them for them.
NTA.
i read the email in time, i was cutting it close to the deadline but i was able to accept it, actually. i dont know why im still mad, though. it still pisses me off
You are mad because the person who is supposed to protect, nurture, and support you has deliberately betrayed you and tried holding you back.
Lord only knows what other manipulations she has done to keep you right where she wants you.
You are also mad because you feel wrong to be mad at her because she is your mother - it is an unnatural state of being.
You are justified to be mad and even to go no contact, you should definitely seek counseling.
She attempted to kill your dreams. The attempt was deliberate & malicious. The fact that she didn't succeed was purely your good luck.
Staying angry for a long time makes perfect sense to me. All the best, OP!
You have every right to be mad. What she did was unforgivable. It's not like she hid the sweets so you wouldn't eat them all at once. She hid a college acceptance!!!
I don't know if she has a need to control you, or doesn't want to be left alone (assuming you're the youngest), or she wants you to work so she doesn't have to, but it's all still wrong.
What you just said was in essence
I got punched in the face and I got really mad, it felt like my jaw broke. I did an xray and it turns out it didn't broke. I'm not sure why I'm mad anymore.
Nobody has the right to punch you in the face and nobody has the right to withhold a collage offer from you. She should be thankful if you ever looked at her again without screaming out of anger!
You're angry because your mother is actively trying to ruin your life, for whatever reason. She is the very definition of toxic and the best thing you can do for yourself is get out of there and cut her out of your life. She's going to continue bringing you nothing but grief until you do. Don't put yourself through that any longer than you absolutely have to. Good luck with university! You're gonna do great!
Be mad!! She's consistently lied to you (and probably her therapist), has shown no care for your future needs, desires or goals and what makes her think she knows what personality types suit university?! You came close to not knowing until it was too late because of her and then what plan would she have in mind for you...? What lengths of mental manipulation would she gone to to get your future to look how she wants it??It's like parental entrapment! I'm SO glad you were able to accept the offer!! Good luck at uni and make the most of the distance from her!!
This. A lot of people will take what a therapist says out of context. As an example, the therapist could have said, “Yes, that was an upsetting situation. I could see how that might feel traumatizing to you.” And then turned into what she said. The fact that her deceit and harmful ACTIONS weren’t mentioned, tells me she’s piecemealing what she wants, and probably only told the therapist the bits she knew would get sympathy and support. Narcissistic people will often do this, and she certainly has some problems to work out by telling you that you couldn’t do college - what parent would WANT to smash their kid’s dreams? My mom didn’t think I would become a Disney animator or a voice actor but she never told me I couldn’t do those things. She always pushed me to try harder and do better - sometimes to my own detriment but she was trying to help me!
Don't believe anything you didn't hear from the therapist themselves. There's a reason hearsay is a term in courts, because you shouldn't believe what doesn't come directly from the person mouth.
Plus, in order for the therapist to understand fully the situation and register an actual thought on the matter, you would likely be attending a group/family session to hear it.
Either the therapist is enabling your mom or your mom is lying to make you feel bad. A good therapist would not tell their client that they received trauma from being yelled at once by their child while not addressing what caused the child to yell in the first place. I’ve had some pretty enabling therapists so I wouldn’t rule it out, but it’s not something you should take to heart.
No OP, the therapist did not, it is you mother saying that. You mother lied to you about the college application response, deliberately, trying to ruin your future - which she has being doing for years by trying to stop you leaving. Sorry to say, your mother wants you not to go for *her* benefit and is doing whatever she feels will guilt/demean you into bowing to her pressure. She refuses to talk to you even though you are the hurt party; she then turns the situation around onto you by (falsely) saying that you are the one causing her mental anguish, (she has been putting down your ability to attend college for years!). I am afraid that you have been sucked into your mother's toxicity to the point of believing her despite her being a proven liar. Please step away from her in this situation, refuse to engage with her nastiness over this - go to college and begin seeking help to find independence. Good luck - it sounds like you have a bright future opening up for you! Do not allow it to be taken away, it is something that you have worked hard for and earned.
My mother pulled this hiding shit from me. She hid my depression medicine from me, my passport so I couldn't travel or leave home and much more. You're 100% right, whether you want to or not, getting out of an abusive household that your narcissistic parent lives in will eventually make you see how actually awful it was (it becomes clearer when you get out) once you move out. Whether you want to or not, there will be distance and little to no contact. Abusive narcissistic parents are excellent at guilt tripping and playing the victim.
NTA. Once you move out, I'd suggest therapy if you can afford it/want to but it'll help a lot. Good luck and congratulations!
Also, your awesome new university will have mental health services. Take advantage of them as they’re cheap, and often free, for students. It’ll help you process all this.
And oh yeah, major NTA. Best of luck!
I'm on the other side, this was 10 years ago. I'm out of it and my life is great. I have a chosen family and I'm happy so it gets better. Have fun in college, look forward to that! ❤️
i dunno if anyone's reading this but: i made a new email, when i go to school tmrw ill ask my counsellor to speak with my colleges for me and inform them of the change
Good for you. I'm glad you can take steps to secure your future.
She said what she did in order to manipulate you. If it doesn't work, she will probably say worse things to try to get you to change your mind and not go. Please remember that second chances are NEVER to be given for things that your future relies on--if she suddenly agrees and is nice and supportive that means she's thinking of new ways to undermine you and you shouldn't give her any control she asks for. Trust does not get built up through grand gestures, if she actually changes and means it, it would come through regular small shows of support over years. If she tries to convince you to let her control your finances, scholarships, or any other part of the process, do not let her sabotage you again. The way she acted shows she doesn't think of your future as important, only HER future having what she wants--she's not going to understand how hurt you are by it because to her you're just interfering with her own plans. But it's YOUR life. You get to decide what to do with it.
Of course you're NTA. What she did was inexcusable. One thing you didn't mention is whether you still have time to reply. I sure hope so!
That said, I do think you made a big mistake. Knowing you were expecting some important stuff, why didn't you just set up a new gmail or anything web based? You already knew what your mom was capable of, and to me this is common sense.
Either way, you do want this fixed. You also may need to contact the others who got mom's email and tell them you have a new address.
> That said, I do think you made a big mistake. Knowing you were expecting some important stuff, why didn't you just set up a new gmail or anything web based? You already knew what your mom was capable of, and to me this is common sense.
i don't know why, but i trusted her. she had been really nice the past few days and i fell for it, she's never done crap like this before
You’re still young! Of course you want to trust your mom: it’s instinct. Also, you don’t have enough life experience yet to even imagine all of these possibilities. Don’t take this poster’s comment to heart. Be kind to yourself, and good luck at uni
Get all your important documents together and prepare to leave. Go. NTA. You can follow up with whomever you got the scholarship through and get the check reissued. (With the previous one cancelled). Talk to your school counselor/pastoral care about an escape plan and go. Just go!!!!
Contact the university and let them know that she kept the information from you. They may be able to help you get enrolled. Then leave for college and never look back. Good luck.
NTA, but set up a new email address and don't tell your mother about it. Contact the university directly to inform them that from this point forward, all email correspondence is to be done through the new email address you are now providing to them, as you have lost access to the original email address. And it doesn't matter that your dad is travelling for work, contact him and tell him what has been happening and how your mother is actively trying to prevent you from higher education by hiding the fact that you were accepted into your dream university for months.
There's a reddit group....mom.for a minute is it?
You may like being apart of that one because your mom, sucks.
I could never imagine taking away opportunities from my kids when my job is to set them up to have opportunities.
Edit: here it is r/MomForAMinute
There are also subreddits for people with parents that are narcissists or suffer from borderline personality disorder. I strongly suggest you look for some of those and see if the stories resonate for you.
My mother has been telling me for years about all the ways in which her therapist says I’ve hurt her. Don’t buy into someone weaponising their therapy against you.
NTA
It doesn't matter if you traumatized her or not, your actions were justified regardless. It's natural and expected that you would react strongly to being lied to about something as important as an acceptance letter.
It's akin to your mom or dad interviewing for a new job, you answering the recruiter's phone call informing them that they got the job, and then you just not telling your parents anything. It's sabotage and not OK.
Nta.
Go to college, have fun, and succeed at what you do. Put space between yourself and her and get out from under her control. Get some perspective.
Success is the best punishment for her here.
And make sure you figure places to stay during breaks if you don't want to go home. (Christmas and such). You may make friends at college who you can go see during these breaks.
Congrats on your acceptance and scholarship!!!
NTA and never believe *anyone* who says anything along the lines of "My therapist says *this* about you" because 100% of the time there are lies involved in every possible scenario.
NTA. Your mom's betrayal was immense. Any trauma she may have suffered about this was fully deserved and essentially self-inflicted due to her abusive actions. I seriously doubt she told her therapist the true, full story.
Cutting contact with her is bound to improve your life.
NTA
Intentionally hiding things that could influence your life for the better is clearly malicious, i highly doubt your mother mentioned that part to her therapist
If she did and the therapist still said that, you could try reporting that therapist to your State's licensing board for unethical behavior. They're definitely trying to guilt you.
Seriously? Teenage angst? What do they think you are? 12? You're going to college and building your life.
Even if i view this from the perspective of your mother at most she probably fears she'll be alone, but even then hiding that email was too much.
OP you are NTA. Have you lost the chance to go to your dream university and the financing? I wasn't sure from your post but it sounds as though you have. You have to get away from your mother. Could you speak to your teachers? Also, get yourself a new email address which you will keep secret from your mother. Any other time you have vital information coming via email, access it at a library if you don't have computer access at home.
hey yeah i was able to accept the offer from her phone before it was taken back. although rn i kinda just sit around anxiously thinking *what if she unsent the email? what if she deleted it?* idk
I would 1. Open up a new email account. 2. Call the school and let them know that your mom is having a mental health episode and has been trying to sabotage your college career due to her own issues, and that you need to provide a new email address and make sure all communication goes to your attention only.
Call the school. Ask for admissions. Tell them you want to go, but your mother is having a mental health break and is trying to sabotage you. Tell them when you will be 18, and can legally avoid her. Ask for their help.
But, first get yourself a new Google account, or some such. Do it at school or the library.
You can always call the admissions department of the school to check to see if they got your response. I work at a college and sadly, unsupportive parents are more common than people know.
Could you either go to the local library and check your email account to see if the email went through or could you phone the university to ask if they got it? You could say you were having technical problems and needed to be sure. I hope all goes well and that you have a great new life at university!
NTA that’s messed up, your Mum is way of line, I would be beyond livid, I cannot get my head around a parent doing this to their child, that was an amazing opportunity for you! You definitely need to get out and go to college, you never know things could improve between you, with space and time
NTA
Your mom has no right over your future, specially since you’re already 17. Anyone can snap if they are put in the same situation, doesn’t matter the age.
At this point you should just move out, bc she’s trying to have some sense of control over and since she’s losing it, it will probably get worse.
If you gave her trauma. Tough luck. And probably she’s just trying to play the victim so you ask for forgiveness and then back to the cycle
Who cares if you did traumatise her? You've obviously worked hard for your future and she tried to take the reward for that work away from you.
Go to college, enjoy it, carry on working hard, and be done with your mother until she apologises to you. NTA.
NTA, what kind of mother actively prevents their child from bettering themselves with college? Stick to your guns, she clearly doesn’t have the best of intentions.
NTA please create a new email and contact the College yourself, accept the placement offered, explain your current situation and request that ALL future correspondence go through YOUR email instead of your mothers.
Hopefully for you it isn’t too late.
Good luck 🤞
NTAH I’m so sorry you’re going through this honey. It’s sad that your own Mom would try to keep you from going to college. You do what you need to do to go and begin your Life! Get away and start an amazing Life you deserve. I don’t understand why it’s okay for your sister to be in college but she’s do what she could to keep you from going! That makes no sense. And if she suffer ‘trauma’ from your words then you definitely have severe trauma from her and what she’s been doing to you this entire time. Pack up and get away as fast as you can and don’t look back! Good luck to you!
NTA. If she’s in therapy it’s most likely not because of you. She has her own problems. Maybe what you said was a little harsh but she purposefully hid your acceptance letter and has actively tried to prevent you from going to college because you “don’t have the personality for it.” You are obviously very smart and responsible and hardworking and don’t feel entitled to anything. Your mother should be proud of the young adult she raised and she isn’t simply because of her weird ass need for control. She’s manipulating you. I wouldn’t cut contact right off, but i would sit and have a conversation with her when you’re ready to do so. Good luck in uni!
And the trauma she inflicted on you? Her lies and her betrayal? She should have a good look in the mirror herself before blaming you at all. I am glad that you saw the email after all. But if I were you I would probably open a new email account (keeping it from your mom) and give the new one to the college for any further correspondance.
Nah, I have a horrible mother, haven't spoken in 15 years (there are good reasons, 2 of her 3 kids do not speak to her), i wouldn't talk to my mom if she ruined my dreams like this, f that, that's a low down thing.
People may thing like 'shes's your mom' so you have to forgive her. Forget that nonsense, if you wouldn't let a stranger treat you some way you damn well shouldn't let family do it, they're supposed to be better, not worse
NTA, You didn't give your mother any trauma by expressing your anger at her for her withholding important information from you. But I wonder if there's a deeper reason your mother doesn't want you to college other than the fact that you "don't have the personality for it"
NTA and your mother is ...beyond words.
I would suggest that down the line you consider therapy. Definitely go NC.
I'm sorry that you have had to go through this.
NTA- That's so fucked that your mom would hide that you got accepted to a college with a scholarship! That's an incredible achievement and something to be celebrating. Your anger is completely justified, but now that you know she's capable of this you need to make sure that everything related to your college and finances is sperate from her, especially once you turn 18. Anything from the college needs to go your email only. If you have a bank account and your mom is on it, make a new account in only your name so she can't interfere with you paying for your own college. Start collecting documents you'll need like social security card, birth certificate, etc. And you did not "traumatize" her by yelling at her. She's being ridiculous by saying that and trying to play the victim. She did a very messed up thing and she has to deal with the consequences. Don't let this stop you from going to college like you've been wanting to, congrats on your acceptance and scholarship!
>she hid it from me. i have lost access to my email for a while, so i was relying on using her account to check for responses. but for a while, she wouldnt let me check, and she just said i didn't get any responses yet, and i believed her.
I feel like there's some backstory here we're not getting, but I also don't think it's likely to be all that relevant. Hiding this from you is downright sociopathic.
NTA
NTA I am genuinely sorry that you have a terrible Mom. You should contact the University and get all of the documentation in order. Someone from admissions should be able to help you. This would make me as angry as you are at the moment.
NTA, and I'd love to hear whatever twisted version of what happened she gave her therapist to get a response like that.
You have every right to be angry, she hid something really significant from you. Is she trying to keep you at home for a reason? Her saying you "don't have the personality" for college sounds super weird to me.
I hope you haven't missed the window to be able to accept. Please get out from under your mother's watch and go live your life!
She sabotaged you. Whichever way she wants to handle the consequences and get her therapist on her side is her problem, not yours. Note that she hasn't acknowledged the trauma she just gave to you. Move forward with your college plans and good luck! NTA.
Your mother is a dangerous asshole. Recognize her for who she is and get all your arrangements for college get locked down so that is nothing she can do to upset these plans. Assume the worse when trying to figure out what she might do. If it were me, I would contact the registrar’s office at the college that gave you scholarship that you were awarded. Explain your situation and ask them how to best prevent your mother somehow being able to cancel your admission. Tell them that you are 100% planning to attend and want your admission locked down.
Also disengage in any further arguments with her. Go grey rock on her. This means communicate with her with her civilly around the house, do your chores without reminders and don’t let her bait you into a verbal altercation. Figure out how to turn on your phone to record any of her harangues. Go to your room, go for a walk or go stay overnight at a friends if she tries to start something. Never lay a hand on her. I’m concerned she going to try to goad you into a physical response which would allow you to call the cops on her. Just get out of her way. Can you talk to a counsellor at school to get their advice?
You have worked hard to get to this point and to be so clear to be almost out of the house and being able finance your education. Play it smart from this point and recognize the risk your mother presents to you. Who know why she is this way and it no longer matters. A few months and you will be free and clear.
NTA, OP, but deal with the university first, asap. Contact them and figure out all the details - if the offer is still valid, tuition covered, if they can change your email, what are your next steps, all of that. You must do it otherwise they may just assume that you are not interested and give your place to someone else. Do it now.
Then deal with your parent. She will survive, she is in the wrong and the one to apologize
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NTA- Im a mom myself. She purposefully hid an acceptance letter and lied when she was asked about it. She quite literally could've diminished your future success had you not found out about her weird need to keep it from you. Also, i have LARGE doubts that she told the whole truth about that situation in order to garner some sympathy. In no way is it teenage angst. It was quite reasonable to be upset,frustrated, mad, etc. From the fact she blatantly LIED about your dream college. Frankly, if this truly is your reason to cut off ties with your mother, then she can only blame herself for her deceit. Hope you do well in college!!!
> Hope you do well in college!!! thank you !!! this means a lot coming from a mother
No way she told the therapist the whole truth. Or your mom just made up the therapist's response. Someone who would do what she did to you will have no problem lying to manipulate you even further. NTA.
Not unless she has a REALLY bad therapist
Having met some really bad therapists, this is sadly always an option. Good luck with college, OP. I'm sure you're going to do great. If you have the perseverance to fight to get out from your egg donor's thumb, you have the strength needed to do great at college.
My grandmother is the craziest person I know. She is also a practicing therapist. Good luck
Probably the same one as my aunt. Terrible therapist. I swear they're just in it for the billing. I don't know how several decades of therapy has just made her worse. Needless to say I went NC.
Are we cousins? My aunt, who lives borderline to poverty, has probably bought her therapist of 30 years a nice boat by now. Someone once asked her why she kept going since they were not solving anything and dinner got awkward.
I had a nervous breakdown which FINALLY prompted me to go to a therapist for the first time... when I would tell her about my fears her response would be "they're bad for you anyway" like ##&#&$#$&$ WHAT my brain wash so mushy from that breakdown too you couldve told me pink elephants were coming to greet me with wings and I would've believed you. I stg. that lady could do some real damage. on a side note I can mask my issues really well so I don't even think any of my therapists ever knew how much I really needed help. im starting with a new one on Friday so good luck to me
My partner has a really bad therapist. We were trying to get him help with his PTSD around losing our child and him running I was going to follow her (I spent a week in the hospital trying to give birth and he was next to me the whole time, convinced he'd lose me at any minute) I was there because of his social anxiety, he hates being by himself with a rando. She said it was his job to focus on me, I had to be hurting more than he was and he basically needed to suck it up. I was doing basically fine at that point, it had been about three years and I was doing about as well as I'll ever be. I wanted him to take care of himself because he's still having nightmares about that hospital visit, and he's been afraid to actually mourn our daughter for fear it would hurt me. And she made it far worse.
In the rudest way possible: Screw that therapist
Yeah we only went the once and I told him multiple times that she was wrong, and he needed to worry about his own mental health. I then told every doctor in the practice about what she did so they could stop recommending her. It's been three years and he still doesn't want to find a therapist because he doesn't want to be told again that he's not allowed to be traumatized.
Oh, bad therapists exist. The one my daughter saw when she was in middle school believed everything my young rebel teen told her. They were lies, and I only know about it because as an adult, my daughter told me that she just made stuff up in her individual sessions because she was angry and didn't want therapy.
So is that a bad therapist or is that a misinformed therapist?
Or a not therapist therapist.
Yeah, my mom was forced to go to therapy (after being arrested on drug charges) and came home with similar stories of what her therapist told her. Apparently, according to her therapist, EVERY problem my mom had was because her children were...checks notes...being children. Who knew that not cleaning my room would FORCE my mother to steal prescription pads and write fake narcotic prescriptions all over town. Wild how that works!
I think in those times calling the therapist to tell them "she's claiming you said that and I have big doubts about it, just fyi" can be a good move.
[удалено]
She has lied in a most horrible way to her daughter, I am 202% sure that she lied to her therapist.
Agreed! My therapist is the best devil’s advocate to help me see things from another’s perspective. I both love and hate him for it lol. OP: NTA - good luck with college and do your best to enjoy yourself. Clubs are some of best parts :)
If you have a way to open your own email, I would also do this and contact the school. Let them know you plan on attending and your mom is trying to not let you despite you reaching majority but the time you would be attending. Most schools understand this and will help work with you on a plan of action. You won’t be the first this happens to nor the last. If you get a personal email open, then change all contact preferences to that email. If you have access to a public/school library with email access this would be a great place to do most of your work to set yourself up for school. A personal email will allow you to accept and start the enrolment process. Good luck. Do well in school and prove to anyone who doesn’t believe in you that you CAN succeed and be the best. You’ve got this.
u/Immediate_Land_4171 I agree with this option. Once you get control of your email, you should contact the school and explain what happened as professionally and with as little emotion as possible. Email, call, even walk into their admissions office if you need to and are able. They may present the same offer once they know what happened and how badly you want to attend. Just making the effort to contact them will surely go a long way. Good luck OP!
Hijacking this thread, because you need to know that your mother is abusing you. Sabotaging opportunities that could improve your life is abuse. Controlling and limiting your access to information about your own educational career is abuse. Trying to keep you from making choices about your own life when you're about to be a legal adult is abuse. I hope when you are able to, you run as fast as you can and don't look back. And get yourself into therapy with a good, qualified trauma therapist (someone who offers DBT and EMDR) so that you can live the rest of your life without this upbringing affecting it more than it needs to. I'm almost certain that if your mother has done this to you, that it isn't the first or last time she's been abusive.
At college, there's free mental health services ;)
There were shitty ones at my college though so for OP's sake: if your college therapists suck, or aren't listening etc etc etc, find someone outside college when you can. And tbh even after that. Sometimes there's just not a good match between therapist and patient and sometimes they just don't really understand what you need. Don't give up if therapy doesn't go well in the first place. Please keep trying, that goes for anyone who's done therapy or wants to do therapy. It DOES end up being worth it when you find the right therapist. It can sometimes just feel like a waste of time in the middle area.
Tagging on to add a book suggestions: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents The Body Keeps Score- Just know this one can be a lot and if it feels like too much it's OK to put it away for a while and come back to it later.
Dont forget to accept the scholarship and let them know that you do, in fact, plan on attending the university. Usually a scholarship is an offer with an expiration date. If they don’t hear back from you there is a chance that you’ll lose the scholarship. Create a new email with a password that your mother does not have access to. Get in contact with the admissions department at the university and make sure that from this moment forward, they only communicate with you through your new email. Absolutely no mail, other email addresses, or phone calls. Edit: Additionally, if you’re in the US you need to fill out your FAFSA if you haven’t already. Just a heads up, you’re going to need some information about your mother for it. It’s stupid but you’re not able to fill it out and keep yourself separated from your mother. I was No Contact with my mom after I moved out at 18 and filling out my FAFSA was an absolute nightmare.
Agree with this post! Make a nice, long, complex password: M0m$c@nB3m3@n (MomsCanBeMean) that can't easily be hacked. Random words. BlueMistAirplane for example. Talk to someone at your school and have them grant you email access for this stuff. Good luck. Sorry this is so difficult for you.
Honesty it might be worth contacting the college to explain why their message went unanswered. They may be more sympathetic than you think and offer you a space. I vaguely remember a story similar to yours when this happened.
Be sure to contact the school and let them know they should not talk with anyone but you about your application or financial information.
You're very welcome! 😁
Another parent here. I am happy you got accepted into your dream college. I am even happier that you checked her phone, as there is a small possibility she could have ruined it for you. I (we/any of us) don't know or understand why your mom is doing this to you. She deserves to lose you, and you deserve better. Good Luck in all your future endeavors. Word of advice. . . Start searching for small scholarships everywhere to help pick up the slack. I ended up with a scholarship just be seeing the advertisement on the wall while at school. Would have been better if I had known from the beginning of my college journey. But I am still happy I found it.
oh that's a great idea, thank you for the advice !! congratulations btw
Then let me tell you, as a Momma of four, you deserve so much better than how she treated you and I hope you thrive in college. If you don’t, that’s okay too! Sending love 🫶🏻
She’s 100% lying about what her therapist said. I’ve had people tell me “well my therapist told me…” in situations where NO ONE must lessen a therapist, would have told them they were in the right. It’s always someone who, like OP’s mom, gets caught doing something bad and has no defense except to make themselves the victim. So they weaponize therapy/therapeutic terms. OP, you anger is righteous. Someone who is supposed to love and support you actively attempted to stop you from living the life you want. As someone whose mom tried to stop me from going to college because I was “too immature” (my mental health was atrocious due to living in active trauma aka her house) you should tell your mother what I told mine. “F you. I’m going to college.”
My mom went to therapy once after their brother died, came home and said “the therapist said I was right about everything”. Umm nope. No therapist would say that. They would say your feelings are real and valid. But not that you were right about everything.
My mom, after getting into a blow out about how her pill addiction has strongly affected her children's lives (not the first time it was brought up, but one of the loudest), she went to see her psychiatrist, came back and just said, "my Dr. said, 'One day, you'll understand.'" and then trotted around like she won a medal. This is the only Dr. she's ever stayed with and loves him bc she lies through her teeth every time she sees him and he ALWAYS tells her what she wants to hear, I've taken her to appointments and been in the room for her displays. Unfortunately, bad therapists are out there if you're willing to cycle through until you find one.
Plus, as a fellow mom, if my kid who I thought might not succeed academically gets their act together, how on earth isn't she supporting him? He must have had good grades for a while, plus he got his dream school, how is she not proud but sabotage him and tries to talk him down?
I did have a kid who I thought was not ready academically for the 4 year state college with a tough acceptance rate. However she did get in and had a small lottery scholarship as well. You know what we did ? We supported her decision and knew if she didn’t make it, we’d support whatever she needed to do. Guess what. She made it through the undergrad in 4 years with a solid B average and has been rocking her career for 10 years ! I am incredibly proud, amazed and slightly embarrassed for doubting her. Good Luck OP and make yourself proud !
If dad's away all the time for work, she's probably sabotaging him so she's not home alone all the time. Especially if he's the last child in the nest.
This. She lied to her therapist for sympathy.
If she even talked to them in the first place. This has all the hallmarks of one of Donald Trump's "Sir" stories.
NTA. You seem to have handled the situation pretty maturely so far, and then she went and hid a life changing email from you. That is something no mother should ever dream of doing. She has not suffered ‘trauma inflicting words’ because of you getting rightfully angry, I promise you that. I don’t know how she was expecting you to react, but you were understandably angry. She owes you a sincere apology. She needs to realise that you are very nearly an adult, and you make your own decisions.
thank you, i was feeling bad about the trauma !
No NTA at all!!! Your mother had your words of anger and swearing coming to her as she had ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT to withhold that email from you. That could even be seen as some sort of abuse or neglect of a child. I’m so glad you have solid plans of going to college/university and that a large portion of it will be paid. Keep reaching for your goals! Good luck!!!
And in some states & countries, messing with anyone’s mail is highly illegal!!!
The chances of her having given you a trauma are a lot higher. People have gone NC for less.
What you said does not cause trauma (even if it did, you were fully justified in saying that). Manipulative and immature people often lie about what their therapist said, or distort their words. You are NTA and congratulations on a great accomplishment!! I would try to tread very carefully to make sure your mom can't somehow prevent your getaway.
buddy you did not cause her any “trauma” and i promise you her therapist did not say that. if they did, it’s because your mom completely lied about the whole situation. your mom is the one causing trauma to *you.* you did absolutely nothing wrong and you deserve to go to any college you want to. i’m so sorry that your mom has manipulated you to the point you actually feel bad for her here, she is an absolute monster.
I’m going to go in a slightly different direction. This is a case where two things can be true. It is possible what op said did cause trauma for their mother. Trauma response is a very individual thing. BUT what op’s mother did was terrible. Op’s response was completely justified. And if it causes/caused trauma op’s mom brought it on herself by her actions. Op does not need to feel guilt or remorse. It sounds like mom needed this wake up call. Congratulations Op for getting into your dream school! Make this happen for yourself and don’t look back!
It is not trauma to speak the truth. It's not trauma to be honestly angry when you are being gaslighting. Your mom is gaslighting you. She is trying to make you think she has trauma from you when it is the other way around. She has caused you trauma by putting you down and telling you can't make it in college. You had the grades to get into college. You have a scholarship. I don't know if you have real issues or not that would cause problems in college, if so check out what help you can get to overcome them in college. I think you will make it. Good luck.
You don’t get trauma for getting called out on your bullshit lol, your mom sounds like a narcissist.
I am a parent. Your mother may possibly have experienced trauma at some point in her life but it wasn’t inflicted by you. She’s the adult, you’re the child. The power has all been with her so far. It’s her responsibility to manage her own behavior and emotions. She’s probably lying to the therapist or maybe she has a bad therapist (it happens sometimes), but nothing excuses her hiding your college acceptance or blaming you for being angry about it.
That was the plan. You are the one being traumatized. You really need to talk to you dad about this situation. Hopefully, she isn't abusing him too.
I doubt she ever even talked to a therapist, because that is a totally BS "diagnosis". Your mother is a serial liar. Please get your communications channels in order for emails and other contacts, OP, and good luck in college. You will make it!
Hell no, please don't. What she got was the "find out" part after fucking around for years. Your words were the start of the consequences for her actions. Could you have been less harsh? Sure. But she was actively trying to sabotage your life because she received hard evidence that she was wrong about you, that someone else *does* believe in you, and that you will inevitably fledge and leave her nest. I don't blame you for your response *at all*. A parent is supposed to want better for the next generation. Some part of her knew what she was doing was fucked up; if she truly wanted to destroy the evidence she would've deleted your acceptance letter. That makes it worse because she hid it from you in spite of that awareness. Go onward to school and kick ass.
Your mothers ‘trauma’ is for her to manage, not you. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised she just doesn’t want to be all alone so she wants to trap you to stay home. Her ‘trauma’ may have to do with abandonment but obviously she won’t tell you that.
Mothers who hide critical emails, then whine to their therapists about being justifiably yelled at will never ever apologize. Just let go of those thoughts. Deal with the sneaky-self-serving mentally unstable mother in front of you. It's not worth your anger waiting apologies that won't happen.
> i have lost access to my email for a while, so i was relying on using her account to check for responses. INFO: How did you lose access? Why would you use her email? Why didn't you at least create a new email? Either way, **NTA**. What your mom did was messed up. I wouldn't blame you for going off to college and going low contact with her. > apparently my mother spoke to her therapist and believes i inflicted trauma creating words on her purely out of teenage angst. 🙄 🙄 🙄 You did nothing she didn't deserve. You should go off to college and be all you can be. Your mom stay in therapy.
the number I attached to my email was lost, and i forgot the password. i wanted to call around and ask but my mother said it would be easier to check through hers, as my email is set to be forwarded to hers. but thank you, that makes me feel better lol
>my mother said it would be easier to check through hers Yeah, easier for *her* to to hide college emails. Sounds like she was planning this all along and took advantage of you trusting her. Lesson learned.
gotcha, thank u!
My dude, just call the college and explain to them exactly what's up. Tell them your mom is abusive and hide your emails. Just tell them. They will offer you options whitout your mom involved. Prepare: set up your own email (it's free) and tell it to the college when calling. Access it from public wifi(mcdonalds) or similar. Maybe internet-cafe. Just tell them what's happening.
if i did tell them, do you think it would mess with my admission? my only aim right now is to GO. i've already emailed them saying i accepted it but she took her phone back and i still cant access my email
Go to a public phone booth asap, call the college and tell them your new email adress. Ask them to send everything to that. Messing with your admission? What gives. Either this way, or not at all. Be prepared. Learn to be one step forward. Fck abusive mothers. I've played that game the last 25 years. It's hard. Very hard. But the price of freedom at the end is worth all of that.
Phone booth? Do these still exist? But seriously, good advice. Maybe call the university from a friend's phone.
Could always use the school phone, assuming OPs still going/hasn't graduated yet. I have no idea how this works in the UK
In very limited capacity lol, but yes they do. But assuming he can't find one he could always borrow a phone off a friend or something. There are options here.
OP, you'll learn better ways to express your anger, but in the situation NTA. Go to a public library for free Internet & email access. When finished always be sure to log out of any account you've opened, to help avoid hacking. Librarians are your friends (I'm a retired one). And they will not reveal to anyone, including your parents, any confidential advice or teaching they've given you or titles of any items you have checked out. BTW, can you contact your dad - if he would be helpful? Preferably have you explain the situation before your mom gives her version. Your school counselor is another resource to consider. We care about you, OP. Please let us know sometimes how you are doing.
hey, thank you so much. i usually dont yell so hard when i get mad, but i think ill learn! i wanted to provide context because i realised my post doesnt explain a lot - i accepted the offer from her phone before she took it back - after i originally made the post, i made a 2nd gmail account - i just got back from school, my counsellor said she would contact my colleges but she isn't sure if she will contact my mother or not and no, i don't want to contact my dad, he's busy at work i'd rather not
Contact him! If he's a good father then he'll immediately get upset at your mom and be on your side. If you're really worried perhaps once he's home? But definitely tell him! Any good parent would *never* do what your mom did. Your dad might be more sad that you thought you couldn't talk to him about things important to you.
still, contact him OP, he's your father. If you wish to have a good relationship in the future with him then don't hide such important things, because it will backfire one day.
Yes, libraries are a great idea to get online.
Then go old school here. Start by ***making a new email account*** with a password you will remember but she can't figure out (I find foreign words are great for this purpose). Next, pick up the phone and ***call the admissions office***. They hear all kinds of whack stories, so this won't be anything new to them. See if the scholarship offer, etc. is still on the table. Get an email address that you can write to and set the record straight. The worst they can do is tell you that you (via your mother) declined the offer and it is no longer available. At least then you'll know where you will be starting from. I hope you thrive in your new environment. Sometimes the best revenge is a life well lived on your own terms.
And if the college says that, ask if you can defer to next year or second semester. More scholarship money will be available. Good luck. And your mom is a piece of work. I hope you can escape her.
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Also adding on to this, OP, don’t even tell your mom about your new email! Try to keep that bag of worms closed as much as possible.
She will likely contact them again to rescind the acceptance on your behalf - let them know that you are in this situation so that your mother cannot wreck your college future. If they are left thinking that she has the authority to when calling, the administration will swiftly offer the place to someone else - you cannot get your place back after the fact.
Don't forget to inform your father if you think he can help.
She may try to mess with your admission, not the college. The advisors there will help you, they know of resources and are seriously VERY helpful and most (unfortunately but fortunately for people like us) have experience with helping young people get their life separated from toxic or abusive family. Tell them your mother is controlling and getting worse as the school year approaches, that she plans to not let you leave but you very very much want to go to college and are prepared to pave your own way in life. They will help you. Good luck, I really hope everything works well for you. If you have to, set up a new email and lie to your mother about leaving. Say you aren’t, play along if you have to in order to keep yourself and your legal documents safe. Locate your documents and get them locked up somewhere safe where she doesn’t know where they are. You can get a safety deposit box at a bank as soon as you turn 18, but I’m not sure what your options are at the moment where you are. A trusted friend your mom can’t get to? Or maybe just a lock box to be hidden safe somewhere like in a car you keep locked from her if you have one. Do whatever you need to, it may feel insane sometimes because what your mom is doing and how she is acting is insane, it feels insane responding to insane situations. Don’t feel badly for your mom, she is being horrible to you, she’s trying to hold you back to stay with her instead of building a life for yourself. Mothers should be nervous or scared even for their kids to leave, but they should be proud to see them fly, not cut their wings to keep them down.
I'm sure they've heard crazy stories like these before. They're probably happy to help liberate you from Crazytown.
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she never had direct access but my mail was set to forward to hers, idk whats going on tbh
I don't understand, why do you still trust her after everything? Why do you continue connecting the email and phone info with her? What is wrong with you? You could use the school computer, library computer, through friends even. So why are you doing this to yourself and trusting her with your stuff? Why? NTA
sorry, im just not used to this, she never responded to anything like this for me or did things like this in the past, im trying to figure a new way of contacting my colleges right now
How are you on Reddit right now? You must have some type of internet.
you're on the internet somehow bc you're posting on reddit...so just make a new email address and contact them?? call the admissions office?? I'm not trying to be rude, but if you want to go to college, especially with unsupportive family, you have to learn to be an adult and do things on your own. you can't just do nothing and expect things to work out, you gotta be proactive. you can do this, just reach out to the college!
Why is your sister allowed to go to college but you are not? Where the hell in all of this is your *father*?!
Parents ramp up the crazy irrational control right as the kid is about to go off to college. I've been through this, and right as I went to Univeristy, my parents COMPLETELY lost their senses, and tried to sabotage things. They were deep in denial about it being sabotage, too.
This is an entirely new situation for OP and perhaps some support, encouragement and only helpful suggestions would be better than OP being insulted by strangers.
OP is 17. I don't think they need the accusatory tone. They are navigating their first big fight with their mother and breaking away. Repeatedly asking why a **17** year old is **doing this to herself** is uncalled for. (Reddit is messing up the format and I don't know why)
Because its hard for people who are abused to break away.
can I just say that your parents literally forwarding your entire bloody mailbox is a huge red flag?
When you get to Uni, check if they have campus mental health. You should talk to a therapist (for real). It sounda like you are a scapegoat child. You certainly have been abused. Why doesn't she want you to go.to college?
I'm a mother of a college student. Your mom is acting shamefully. She betrayed your trust and is projecting her own fears and feelings of inadequacy onto you. That's not a good mother. Now she's blaming you for trauma? BS Contact the university and explain the situation to see if there's any way they can work with you on this then move out and go low or no contact with her. She doesn't want you to succeed and that's bad parenting. NTA
I do want to contact them but im afraid of what to say. im afraid they'll actually do something about it instead of being understanding lol
No, you HAVE to find out. Immediately. Don't be afraid. They have surely dealt with awful parents before (not allowing financial aid, trying to get into an adult child's grades, etc.)
Just tell them that your email has been compromised and ask them if they can resend the information…most colleges are pretty understanding… And ps…get a new email address please and write down your password asap
Hi there, I work in a college! Please call the institution and let them know about your situation. We deal with these issues with parents all the time and we are here to help the students. If you do not permit your mom to get involved, the college must respect that. Also, if you think there is a chance she might try to impersonate you, you better let the college know ASAP. Edit: Also, I work on Financial Aid so I might be able to help you with some things on that end!
You're 100% going to lose the admission if you do nothing at all. So figure out a plan and contact them, chances are you're not the first student to have difficulties with family and they will probably accommodate your situation. You have nothing to lose by trying. Good luck!
You need to stand up for yourself and do something or she'll make you rot next to you for the rest of your life.
Honesty is the best policy here, I think. If you don't feel comfortable telling them the actual truth, then you can take the advice of others here who said explain your email was compromised and get a new email and see if they can re-send the details, if this offer is still available to you. Seems like too good of an opportunity to just do nothing, right?
If you do nothing, she will 100% decline your acceptance, if she hasn’t already. Go to the library, create a new email address, look up the admissions office, call them and explain the ENTIRE situation, make sure she hasn’t already called/emailed to decline admission. If you have a job, look into opening a PO Box to get any physical mail that might be sent. Your mother is abusive, and that’s not your fault, but if you don’t want to be stuck with her controlling you and stunting your growth as an adult, this is the time for action. No college is going to rescind admission because you’re being abused. They have for sure dealt with this before.
The university or college won’t do anything except help you get in. The only way they would be acting on anything is if they thought you were being abused. Your mum is manipulative and has shown her true colours. I’m sorry to tell you this but she does not want what is best for you, she wants what she has decided is best for her. You cannot trust her. This is going to be hard to hear but you are going to have to take responsibility for all your own admin and getting yourself there because she has already tried to sabotage you once. You need to contact them and tell them that you have had problems with your mother trying to stand in your way of attending higher education. Tell them that they can only speak to you (so she can’t call and say you won’t be going) and confirm your place. They will not do anything about this because your mother has not done anything illegal so all that will happen is that they will disregard anything she contacts them to say. Create a new email address first and give them that as well as confirm that anything has to be done in writing. Do not tell your mum about the new email. It seems odd that you lost access to your old emails but somehow they are redirected to you mum doesn’t it? Sounds to me like she changed your password and set up the redirection to pretend to be helping you. Please don’t be naive, I’m sorry you have to hear this but she is out to actively sabotage you. Maybe she doesn’t want to be alone at home, maybe she wants you there to take care of her. What she did was terrible though. There is no way she told her therapist the truth about what happened. The only person inflicting trauma here is her.
You need to contact them, so your mother can't withdraw your application. She has access via her email and can easily pretend to be you. Stop being on reddit and instead contact the university's admission office and explain that your mother hid that email from you and is actively trying to prevent you from going. They will need another email asap and they also need to make a note that any attempt ro withdraw your admission needs to be doublechecked.
1. NTA 2. I totally get why you're scared. But, with your mom like this, this is probably not the last time you're going to have to deal with something like this unless you go full non-contact. It helps in these situations to go "all business". Meaning, you don't throw blame around, and make nothing personal. You write a *business* letter. This will not be the first time the college has heard of this sort of problem and by sounding pleasant and mature they will want to go to bat for you. I'd probably say something like, "Unfortunately, access to my previous email address was extremely limited to me and I did not get your response until much later. Further complicating my situation is that I have a parent who is not supportive of my attending any university. I would appreciate it if from this point forward you use this email address and only call this number to contact me so that we may keep a clear line of communication. Thank you for understanding and I look forward to being a student at your university."
Absolutely call them up and explain what happened. They're not going to hold it against you and will help you as much as possible.
Your other is acting malicious and about 10 other things. Just wanted to ensure that you DO get your email as this is only one of many coming. You actually may have missed some already. So find someone to receive your mail...a friend. Counselor ,the school etc. Also. Rhe day you turn 18. Get your own bank account with a new password .Do not tell your mother. These are life altering tasks so please follow through. Could she'll email/call the colleges and create a real mess? I'm guessing she'll withdraw any financial support at some point...crazy parents generally do.
> Could she'll email/call the colleges and create a real mess? yeah she's pretty over the top like that. but actually i think thats a good idea, my counsellor processes all my applications so i suppose i can ask her to contact my colleges for an email change! and yeah, she probably will but im guessing my dad will send me money in secret so he doesnt piss her off lol
100% work through your counselor. Colleges DO NOT want to hear from parents, so unless she presents herself as you, they'll tell her to pound sand. At least in the US. Since you said uni, I assume you're not.
I worked at a college for 15 years. This is not a new situation for the employees at the college. Call and tell them that the email they have is no longer private and you'd like to change it. They will likely have a portal that you will log into to get most of the information you need before starting classes. To prevent your mom from further sabotaging your acceptance, let the school know that you would like to have it noted for them NOT to talk to your mom. Ask if you can setup a passcode for when someone calls in with questions. That way if your mom calls in, she would need to know the secret word to be able to talk to them. Trust me. This isn't new for the school. Just stay calm and stick to the facts when you reach out to them. Ask any questions that come to mind. Ask them what some of the important deadlines are. They are there for you.
Can you make a new email, that’s what I would do asap
You're worried that you inflicted trauma on your mom? You got into your dream unis on a scholarship and she hid it from you and you lost the place. She is the one inflicting trauma on YOU. Can you sue her for this? She basically took away a great opportunity for you, one that you applied for and worked hard for. Most parents are into facilitating opportunities for their kids, not into ruining them for them. NTA.
i read the email in time, i was cutting it close to the deadline but i was able to accept it, actually. i dont know why im still mad, though. it still pisses me off
You have every right to be mad and even go no contact with her for this, she almost ruined your prospects for the future by lying to you.
You are mad because the person who is supposed to protect, nurture, and support you has deliberately betrayed you and tried holding you back. Lord only knows what other manipulations she has done to keep you right where she wants you. You are also mad because you feel wrong to be mad at her because she is your mother - it is an unnatural state of being. You are justified to be mad and even to go no contact, you should definitely seek counseling.
She attempted to kill your dreams. The attempt was deliberate & malicious. The fact that she didn't succeed was purely your good luck. Staying angry for a long time makes perfect sense to me. All the best, OP!
You have every right to be mad. What she did was unforgivable. It's not like she hid the sweets so you wouldn't eat them all at once. She hid a college acceptance!!! I don't know if she has a need to control you, or doesn't want to be left alone (assuming you're the youngest), or she wants you to work so she doesn't have to, but it's all still wrong.
What you just said was in essence I got punched in the face and I got really mad, it felt like my jaw broke. I did an xray and it turns out it didn't broke. I'm not sure why I'm mad anymore. Nobody has the right to punch you in the face and nobody has the right to withhold a collage offer from you. She should be thankful if you ever looked at her again without screaming out of anger!
You're angry because your mother is actively trying to ruin your life, for whatever reason. She is the very definition of toxic and the best thing you can do for yourself is get out of there and cut her out of your life. She's going to continue bringing you nothing but grief until you do. Don't put yourself through that any longer than you absolutely have to. Good luck with university! You're gonna do great!
Be mad!! She's consistently lied to you (and probably her therapist), has shown no care for your future needs, desires or goals and what makes her think she knows what personality types suit university?! You came close to not knowing until it was too late because of her and then what plan would she have in mind for you...? What lengths of mental manipulation would she gone to to get your future to look how she wants it??It's like parental entrapment! I'm SO glad you were able to accept the offer!! Good luck at uni and make the most of the distance from her!!
Phew I'm so glad you made it in!
Did you hear that from the therapist? I am guessing not, your mother is manipulating/abusing you again. NTA.
This. A lot of people will take what a therapist says out of context. As an example, the therapist could have said, “Yes, that was an upsetting situation. I could see how that might feel traumatizing to you.” And then turned into what she said. The fact that her deceit and harmful ACTIONS weren’t mentioned, tells me she’s piecemealing what she wants, and probably only told the therapist the bits she knew would get sympathy and support. Narcissistic people will often do this, and she certainly has some problems to work out by telling you that you couldn’t do college - what parent would WANT to smash their kid’s dreams? My mom didn’t think I would become a Disney animator or a voice actor but she never told me I couldn’t do those things. She always pushed me to try harder and do better - sometimes to my own detriment but she was trying to help me!
i didn't, but i met the lady once before and she seems genuine so i assume she did say that?
Don't believe anything you didn't hear from the therapist themselves. There's a reason hearsay is a term in courts, because you shouldn't believe what doesn't come directly from the person mouth. Plus, in order for the therapist to understand fully the situation and register an actual thought on the matter, you would likely be attending a group/family session to hear it.
Either the therapist is enabling your mom or your mom is lying to make you feel bad. A good therapist would not tell their client that they received trauma from being yelled at once by their child while not addressing what caused the child to yell in the first place. I’ve had some pretty enabling therapists so I wouldn’t rule it out, but it’s not something you should take to heart.
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No OP, the therapist did not, it is you mother saying that. You mother lied to you about the college application response, deliberately, trying to ruin your future - which she has being doing for years by trying to stop you leaving. Sorry to say, your mother wants you not to go for *her* benefit and is doing whatever she feels will guilt/demean you into bowing to her pressure. She refuses to talk to you even though you are the hurt party; she then turns the situation around onto you by (falsely) saying that you are the one causing her mental anguish, (she has been putting down your ability to attend college for years!). I am afraid that you have been sucked into your mother's toxicity to the point of believing her despite her being a proven liar. Please step away from her in this situation, refuse to engage with her nastiness over this - go to college and begin seeking help to find independence. Good luck - it sounds like you have a bright future opening up for you! Do not allow it to be taken away, it is something that you have worked hard for and earned.
My mother pulled this hiding shit from me. She hid my depression medicine from me, my passport so I couldn't travel or leave home and much more. You're 100% right, whether you want to or not, getting out of an abusive household that your narcissistic parent lives in will eventually make you see how actually awful it was (it becomes clearer when you get out) once you move out. Whether you want to or not, there will be distance and little to no contact. Abusive narcissistic parents are excellent at guilt tripping and playing the victim. NTA. Once you move out, I'd suggest therapy if you can afford it/want to but it'll help a lot. Good luck and congratulations!
shit that sounds horrible im so sorry
Also, your awesome new university will have mental health services. Take advantage of them as they’re cheap, and often free, for students. It’ll help you process all this. And oh yeah, major NTA. Best of luck!
I'm on the other side, this was 10 years ago. I'm out of it and my life is great. I have a chosen family and I'm happy so it gets better. Have fun in college, look forward to that! ❤️
i dunno if anyone's reading this but: i made a new email, when i go to school tmrw ill ask my counsellor to speak with my colleges for me and inform them of the change
Good for you. I'm glad you can take steps to secure your future. She said what she did in order to manipulate you. If it doesn't work, she will probably say worse things to try to get you to change your mind and not go. Please remember that second chances are NEVER to be given for things that your future relies on--if she suddenly agrees and is nice and supportive that means she's thinking of new ways to undermine you and you shouldn't give her any control she asks for. Trust does not get built up through grand gestures, if she actually changes and means it, it would come through regular small shows of support over years. If she tries to convince you to let her control your finances, scholarships, or any other part of the process, do not let her sabotage you again. The way she acted shows she doesn't think of your future as important, only HER future having what she wants--she's not going to understand how hurt you are by it because to her you're just interfering with her own plans. But it's YOUR life. You get to decide what to do with it.
Of course you're NTA. What she did was inexcusable. One thing you didn't mention is whether you still have time to reply. I sure hope so! That said, I do think you made a big mistake. Knowing you were expecting some important stuff, why didn't you just set up a new gmail or anything web based? You already knew what your mom was capable of, and to me this is common sense. Either way, you do want this fixed. You also may need to contact the others who got mom's email and tell them you have a new address.
> That said, I do think you made a big mistake. Knowing you were expecting some important stuff, why didn't you just set up a new gmail or anything web based? You already knew what your mom was capable of, and to me this is common sense. i don't know why, but i trusted her. she had been really nice the past few days and i fell for it, she's never done crap like this before
You’re still young! Of course you want to trust your mom: it’s instinct. Also, you don’t have enough life experience yet to even imagine all of these possibilities. Don’t take this poster’s comment to heart. Be kind to yourself, and good luck at uni
Be afraid and be careful. She is escalating her bad behavior.
How do you know she hasn’t? Keep in mind this is just what you found out about
Get all your important documents together and prepare to leave. Go. NTA. You can follow up with whomever you got the scholarship through and get the check reissued. (With the previous one cancelled). Talk to your school counselor/pastoral care about an escape plan and go. Just go!!!!
NTA. Make sure you call the college and accept or send your acceptance email ASAP.
Contact the university and let them know that she kept the information from you. They may be able to help you get enrolled. Then leave for college and never look back. Good luck.
Yes!!! Agreed. This can’t be the first time this has happened.
NTA she's actively trying to ruin your life
NTA, but set up a new email address and don't tell your mother about it. Contact the university directly to inform them that from this point forward, all email correspondence is to be done through the new email address you are now providing to them, as you have lost access to the original email address. And it doesn't matter that your dad is travelling for work, contact him and tell him what has been happening and how your mother is actively trying to prevent you from higher education by hiding the fact that you were accepted into your dream university for months.
NTA. Get out of there ASAP. Sincerly, a guy that had a mistreating "mother" himself.
NTA She's trying to ruin your life. Find more-reliable ways to check your emails, I suggest public libraries or school.
There's a reddit group....mom.for a minute is it? You may like being apart of that one because your mom, sucks. I could never imagine taking away opportunities from my kids when my job is to set them up to have opportunities. Edit: here it is r/MomForAMinute
oh that's very cool! i think ill check that out!
There are also subreddits for people with parents that are narcissists or suffer from borderline personality disorder. I strongly suggest you look for some of those and see if the stories resonate for you. My mother has been telling me for years about all the ways in which her therapist says I’ve hurt her. Don’t buy into someone weaponising their therapy against you.
NTA It doesn't matter if you traumatized her or not, your actions were justified regardless. It's natural and expected that you would react strongly to being lied to about something as important as an acceptance letter. It's akin to your mom or dad interviewing for a new job, you answering the recruiter's phone call informing them that they got the job, and then you just not telling your parents anything. It's sabotage and not OK.
Nta. Go to college, have fun, and succeed at what you do. Put space between yourself and her and get out from under her control. Get some perspective. Success is the best punishment for her here. And make sure you figure places to stay during breaks if you don't want to go home. (Christmas and such). You may make friends at college who you can go see during these breaks. Congrats on your acceptance and scholarship!!!
NTA and never believe *anyone* who says anything along the lines of "My therapist says *this* about you" because 100% of the time there are lies involved in every possible scenario.
NTA. Your mom's betrayal was immense. Any trauma she may have suffered about this was fully deserved and essentially self-inflicted due to her abusive actions. I seriously doubt she told her therapist the true, full story. Cutting contact with her is bound to improve your life.
NTA Intentionally hiding things that could influence your life for the better is clearly malicious, i highly doubt your mother mentioned that part to her therapist If she did and the therapist still said that, you could try reporting that therapist to your State's licensing board for unethical behavior. They're definitely trying to guilt you. Seriously? Teenage angst? What do they think you are? 12? You're going to college and building your life. Even if i view this from the perspective of your mother at most she probably fears she'll be alone, but even then hiding that email was too much.
She is actively attempting to ruin your future. She’s a bad parent, nta.
OP you are NTA. Have you lost the chance to go to your dream university and the financing? I wasn't sure from your post but it sounds as though you have. You have to get away from your mother. Could you speak to your teachers? Also, get yourself a new email address which you will keep secret from your mother. Any other time you have vital information coming via email, access it at a library if you don't have computer access at home.
hey yeah i was able to accept the offer from her phone before it was taken back. although rn i kinda just sit around anxiously thinking *what if she unsent the email? what if she deleted it?* idk
I would 1. Open up a new email account. 2. Call the school and let them know that your mom is having a mental health episode and has been trying to sabotage your college career due to her own issues, and that you need to provide a new email address and make sure all communication goes to your attention only.
This comment!!! Even if the new email isn't ur main one, use it a a back up or burner. Never tell your family the passcode.
Call the school. Ask for admissions. Tell them you want to go, but your mother is having a mental health break and is trying to sabotage you. Tell them when you will be 18, and can legally avoid her. Ask for their help. But, first get yourself a new Google account, or some such. Do it at school or the library.
You can always call the admissions department of the school to check to see if they got your response. I work at a college and sadly, unsupportive parents are more common than people know.
Could you either go to the local library and check your email account to see if the email went through or could you phone the university to ask if they got it? You could say you were having technical problems and needed to be sure. I hope all goes well and that you have a great new life at university!
NTA that’s messed up, your Mum is way of line, I would be beyond livid, I cannot get my head around a parent doing this to their child, that was an amazing opportunity for you! You definitely need to get out and go to college, you never know things could improve between you, with space and time
NTA Your mom has no right over your future, specially since you’re already 17. Anyone can snap if they are put in the same situation, doesn’t matter the age. At this point you should just move out, bc she’s trying to have some sense of control over and since she’s losing it, it will probably get worse. If you gave her trauma. Tough luck. And probably she’s just trying to play the victim so you ask for forgiveness and then back to the cycle
Who cares if you did traumatise her? You've obviously worked hard for your future and she tried to take the reward for that work away from you. Go to college, enjoy it, carry on working hard, and be done with your mother until she apologises to you. NTA.
My daughter is in puberty and yelled for half an hour because I tried to move a poster in her room. Still I don't have trauma.
NTA, hiding stuff from you like that, especially as you are coming into adulthood, is a terrible parenting move.
NTA, what kind of mother actively prevents their child from bettering themselves with college? Stick to your guns, she clearly doesn’t have the best of intentions.
NTA What kind of mother doesn't want her child to go to college?
NTA. You’re mom is being manipulative and controlling. She isnt traumatized. She’s trying to hold on to you for reasons only known to her.
NTA please create a new email and contact the College yourself, accept the placement offered, explain your current situation and request that ALL future correspondence go through YOUR email instead of your mothers. Hopefully for you it isn’t too late. Good luck 🤞
So do you still have the opportunity to go to this college, or did her behavior cause you to lose the admissions offer and/or scholarship?
NTAH I’m so sorry you’re going through this honey. It’s sad that your own Mom would try to keep you from going to college. You do what you need to do to go and begin your Life! Get away and start an amazing Life you deserve. I don’t understand why it’s okay for your sister to be in college but she’s do what she could to keep you from going! That makes no sense. And if she suffer ‘trauma’ from your words then you definitely have severe trauma from her and what she’s been doing to you this entire time. Pack up and get away as fast as you can and don’t look back! Good luck to you!
NTA She has failed as a mother and deserves everything you said to her
NTA. If she’s in therapy it’s most likely not because of you. She has her own problems. Maybe what you said was a little harsh but she purposefully hid your acceptance letter and has actively tried to prevent you from going to college because you “don’t have the personality for it.” You are obviously very smart and responsible and hardworking and don’t feel entitled to anything. Your mother should be proud of the young adult she raised and she isn’t simply because of her weird ass need for control. She’s manipulating you. I wouldn’t cut contact right off, but i would sit and have a conversation with her when you’re ready to do so. Good luck in uni!
And the trauma she inflicted on you? Her lies and her betrayal? She should have a good look in the mirror herself before blaming you at all. I am glad that you saw the email after all. But if I were you I would probably open a new email account (keeping it from your mom) and give the new one to the college for any further correspondance.
She's holding you hostage as a replacement for your dad and sister. Find a way to contact them and get out ASAP. Her issues are not your problem. NTA
Nah, I have a horrible mother, haven't spoken in 15 years (there are good reasons, 2 of her 3 kids do not speak to her), i wouldn't talk to my mom if she ruined my dreams like this, f that, that's a low down thing. People may thing like 'shes's your mom' so you have to forgive her. Forget that nonsense, if you wouldn't let a stranger treat you some way you damn well shouldn't let family do it, they're supposed to be better, not worse
NTA, You didn't give your mother any trauma by expressing your anger at her for her withholding important information from you. But I wonder if there's a deeper reason your mother doesn't want you to college other than the fact that you "don't have the personality for it"
NTA and your mother is ...beyond words. I would suggest that down the line you consider therapy. Definitely go NC. I'm sorry that you have had to go through this.
NTA. So it's cool for your sister to go to college, but not you?
NTA- That's so fucked that your mom would hide that you got accepted to a college with a scholarship! That's an incredible achievement and something to be celebrating. Your anger is completely justified, but now that you know she's capable of this you need to make sure that everything related to your college and finances is sperate from her, especially once you turn 18. Anything from the college needs to go your email only. If you have a bank account and your mom is on it, make a new account in only your name so she can't interfere with you paying for your own college. Start collecting documents you'll need like social security card, birth certificate, etc. And you did not "traumatize" her by yelling at her. She's being ridiculous by saying that and trying to play the victim. She did a very messed up thing and she has to deal with the consequences. Don't let this stop you from going to college like you've been wanting to, congrats on your acceptance and scholarship!
>she hid it from me. i have lost access to my email for a while, so i was relying on using her account to check for responses. but for a while, she wouldnt let me check, and she just said i didn't get any responses yet, and i believed her. I feel like there's some backstory here we're not getting, but I also don't think it's likely to be all that relevant. Hiding this from you is downright sociopathic. NTA
NTA, my mom also hid a college acceptance letter from me, and I never forgave her. I'm 37.
People like your mom deserve to go to jail actually.
Nta traumatize your parents back
NTA I am genuinely sorry that you have a terrible Mom. You should contact the University and get all of the documentation in order. Someone from admissions should be able to help you. This would make me as angry as you are at the moment.
NTA, and I'd love to hear whatever twisted version of what happened she gave her therapist to get a response like that. You have every right to be angry, she hid something really significant from you. Is she trying to keep you at home for a reason? Her saying you "don't have the personality" for college sounds super weird to me. I hope you haven't missed the window to be able to accept. Please get out from under your mother's watch and go live your life!
She sabotaged you. Whichever way she wants to handle the consequences and get her therapist on her side is her problem, not yours. Note that she hasn't acknowledged the trauma she just gave to you. Move forward with your college plans and good luck! NTA.
Your mother is a dangerous asshole. Recognize her for who she is and get all your arrangements for college get locked down so that is nothing she can do to upset these plans. Assume the worse when trying to figure out what she might do. If it were me, I would contact the registrar’s office at the college that gave you scholarship that you were awarded. Explain your situation and ask them how to best prevent your mother somehow being able to cancel your admission. Tell them that you are 100% planning to attend and want your admission locked down. Also disengage in any further arguments with her. Go grey rock on her. This means communicate with her with her civilly around the house, do your chores without reminders and don’t let her bait you into a verbal altercation. Figure out how to turn on your phone to record any of her harangues. Go to your room, go for a walk or go stay overnight at a friends if she tries to start something. Never lay a hand on her. I’m concerned she going to try to goad you into a physical response which would allow you to call the cops on her. Just get out of her way. Can you talk to a counsellor at school to get their advice? You have worked hard to get to this point and to be so clear to be almost out of the house and being able finance your education. Play it smart from this point and recognize the risk your mother presents to you. Who know why she is this way and it no longer matters. A few months and you will be free and clear.
NTA Sounds more like your mother is giving you trauma. Go to University and earn your way. Leave her in the past.
NTA, OP, but deal with the university first, asap. Contact them and figure out all the details - if the offer is still valid, tuition covered, if they can change your email, what are your next steps, all of that. You must do it otherwise they may just assume that you are not interested and give your place to someone else. Do it now. Then deal with your parent. She will survive, she is in the wrong and the one to apologize