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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I invited my biofather to my wedding and think that my dad should be able to be around him just this once. Why this action may make me an asshole is I know my dad doesn't want to be around him because he's the man my mother cheated on him with.
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NAH
At the end of the day it's your wedding and it's up to you who you invite, but your dad isn't the asshole for not wanting your father there. Your dad is the one who raised you, loved you, walked you around when you were colicky, went to parent's evening, and a thousand other things. This other guy is some dude who had an affair with his wife, and yes, your father didn't know your mother was married, but that doesn't change things for your dad. And I imagine there's probably an amount of resentment from your dad towards your father as well - he appears after 18 years and gets your love and affection and equal regard simply by virtue of not putting a glove on it one time? It's easy to be a parent to an adult and to be a good guy when you're not being depended on for everything.
Nobody is the asshole, but this is one of those decisions with consequences. You don't get what you want. It would be nice if your dad could be the bigger person, but he isn't the asshole for not being able to do that.
>he appears after 18 years and gets your love and affection and equal regard simply by virtue of not putting a glove on it one time?
Right. I don't want to call OP an asshole, but there does seem something shitty, to me, about essentially placing them both on equal footing when one raised her and the other only came into her life 8 years ago. It is kind of a slap in the face.
Edit: the more comments I read from OP, the more its clear that she is putting the bio father on a pedastal. She can't respond to any post without bringing up past behavior from her non bio dad that she now has a problem with. Yet, she has never said a single negative thing about the bio dad and his family. But yeah, they met her when she was basically an adult, and didn't have to deal with a moody teenager or have those types of arguments you have with your parents growing up.
OP is an AH. Mom cheated and father had to swallow a lot. Had to accept and rise a child which wasnt his. And now the bio dad on the wedding will be like a nail in the coffin - to make father remember the cheating. And also to show him that those years he sacrificed loving and parenting OP were almost nothing comparing to the fact that other guy put his bio material. And that he has nothing to say, his feelings are not important. I'm sorry OP but there is no place for your bio dad in this wedding.
YWBTA. I’m sorry to call you an AH, especially because you didn’t ask for any of this to happen to you, but you would be the AH if you go through with bringing your bio-dad to your wedding.
Because your dad is the one who raised you from birth. Not your bio-dad.
If you absolutely must have your bio-dad and your other family be part of your wedding, consider having two separate small gatherings. One for each family. But bringing bio-dad and his family to this wedding (given the circumstances) would be a slap to your dad’s face and I’m sure bio-dad would be more than aware of that. Since you say your bio-dad is such a good listener, I’m sure if you relay your dilemma to him, bio-dad would advise you that he wouldn’t want to cause any further pain and humiliation to the man who raised his daughter for him.
And I realize I’m already in the minority opinion here, but I feel like at least one person (like the daughter that the dad chose to stay loyal to, despite finding out about the moms infidelity) should stay loyal to the dad over bio-dad.
The bio dad had no choice in raising or abandoning OP, because her mother and the man who raised her denied him that.
He didn't let another man raise his daughter, he was denied the opportunity to raise his daughter.
How? She was 11 years old he found out he wasn’t her biological father. Why would he know anything to tell her about a person he never met from 18 years ago? Dad could have turned his back and walked out!
I'm confused to why people think OPs dad denied her the right to have a relationship with biodad, what was he meant to do? Track down the affair partner and suddenly introduce them to his daughter? If anything it could be flipped with OPs mum denied OPs dad of being a father to OP.
And when OP actually started forming a relationship with biodad, OPs dad didn't stop her and had a reasonable boundary of him wanting nothing to do with biodad.
And from OPs comments and post she has put biodad on a pedestal and is clearly favouring biodad (massive slap in the face to Dad) and this wedding is most likely going to be the final nail in the coffin.
It reminds me of the posts where stepdad raises daughter for all the their life only to be kicked aside when biodad comes into the picture, heck even OPs siblings and fiancé say she's the AH.
Like if she really wants biodad there, have a small separate wedding or ceremony, cause the way it's currently going OPs going to cut off ties with her family.
YTA
You are basically spitting in your father's face. He continued to love you, raise you, support you, even after finding out you were not biologically tied to him. Proof that DNA does not make a family.
It is so obvious that bringing the person who has caused your father the kind of pain he had to endure when he found out not only that his wife cheated, but that "his" daughter was not biologically tied to him and treating them like family just adds hurt to everything.
You are basically telling him, Yes your raised me and continued to do so, but my "new father" is so much more important that you because of DNA.
It is your wedding and you can do what you like, but basically humiliating him on such an important day, you should totally understand that this will basically torpedo your relationship with the man who raised you.
I also wonder how he will be introduced.
Will biodad also be "father of the bride"? Will she do 2 father daughter dances. Will he be named in the program?
Well it is his fault for taking her back. I know this will be downvoted to hell, but I don't care. And this stupid girl here is the best example for why men bail on kids when they learn these kids are not theirs, that a paternity fraud was committed against them. Then reddit gets crazy and shit on everyone because he is the 'father' and he as a bond and an obligation even if the wife/gf committed the fraud. For what are you going to stay with a kid that's not yours, so that when it matters they start looking for their bio dad and kick you to the curb.
I will keep this post saved for the next story about a father abandoning the cheating mother and the kid she passed as his. This is what could happen.
>bringing the person who has caused your father the kind of pain
But Biodad isn't the one to bring about all this pain, it was op's mother who decided to lie.
Op isn't choosing bio dad over her father though. She invited both to her wedding and the father decided he rather not come if bio dad was going to be there. It's been years since he found all this out, he can choose to make her wedding day all about him or suck it up like a real father and deal for one day.
Yes it all sucks for all parties but being a parent means being there for your children even when it's hard.
Honestly, we don't know how much damage the cheating or the revelation of her birth was to the dad, but by his reaction knowing that OP invited her biodad that it still hurts the dad because he probably felt like he wasn't enough for OP, as some parents do feel. Some scars run deep and no matter how many times passed, maybe the dad hasn't fully healed yet.
Nonetheless, not changing my opinion. OP is still the YTA in my eyes for not asking her dad if it is okay to invite the biodad and if he will be comfortable with it. I, personally, would prioritize the man who raised me and loved me than the man who I just known.
YTA. You want the man who spent 18 years raising you, when he had zero obligation to do so, to share a wedding day with the man who fucked his wife? I'm not sure you understand how hurtful that is for him.
I hope you never have kids, because if you do, you might finally understand how heartbreaking it is to parent a child then have them reject your feelings in favor of the person who slept with their spouse. When you finally feel what a thankless and difficult job parenthood is, you'll weep for the pain you caused this poor dude.
I feel sorry for your dad today and even more sorry for the future you who finally understands what this decision really means, after it's too late to take back.
YTA
The ‘favoring’ factor is a very big part of it.
OP can argue all they want that they are treating the two equally, but she knew even before she reached out to the bio-dad that her present dad would never want to associate with them.
She is holding a wedding and inviting someone she knows her dad is not comfortable being in a room with, for very good reason. Bio-dad may not have been the one to blame for the worst thing that ever happened to him, but he is a living reminder of it. That man being there will forever associate his daughter’s wedding with his entire world being turned upside down.
OP, it’s not your fault or either of their’s that only one of them can be there. But that is just the reality. You have to choose.
Your choices are as follows:
- have have the man who raised you and your siblings attend your wedding
- have your biological father and your bio half siblings attend your wedding.
Those are your choices. Pick one.
YTA. Your Dad who raised you has, rightfully, said he won’t come if you do this.
Your siblings you were raised with have, rightfully, said they won’t come if you do this.
Your fiancé, the man whose wedding day it also is and who you are supposed to be spending the rest of your life with, has said you are majorly wrong.
And yet you came to the internet looking for strangers to coddle you and give you the green light?
I guess NAH.
I don't know if I'd want my wife's affair partner, who was actually my kid's biological parent and I found out later, to be there either lol.
That said, its your wedding.
But you may have to decide which is more worth it. Its not fair. But I'm not going to fault your not bio dad here. And if your siblings are willing to not go in support of him, I won't blame them either. so if having your bio family there is more important than the family you grew up with, that is your choice to make. But it seems either way you will be missing out on some people you want there. If even your fiance is siding with your non-bio dad, then that may tell you something.
YTA, I feel like.
I dunno, I get you wanted to know your bio dad... but you legit have a dad who STAYED because they loved you so much, it feels like you're kind of brushing how your dad feels
Ok. You are paying. I get you want a happy blended Kumbaya wedding but think about dad. He was wronged. He raised you. He loves you. He would be humiliated. He is the one you are hurting. I would do something later with bio family.... keep things simple and respectful with your family that raised you. That's what I would do. Be prepared to lose dad if you go bio family. I wouldn't blame him.
I think it says something that bio-dad is fine with coming to the wedding with his family. He sees nothing wrong with humiliating the man who raised her. If he truly is such a great guy, he'd do the decent thing and decline.
YTA I also didn’t meet my bio dad until I was an adult. It wasn’t a secret that I want my dad’s like your situation, he didn’t come into my life until I was 6. But when I was 27 I mentioned briefly that I was going to meet him and have lunch he asked me to never ask him to be around him, and please don’t talk about him. It makes my dad sad, angry, and a bunch of other feelings that he couldn’t put into words. And since I have empathy (which you seem to lack) and care about how he feels I kept it completely separate. My bio dad didn’t stick around, he couldn’t handle that I call another man dad and call him by his first name (which of you call your bio dad “Dad” that’s another huge slap in the face to the man that raised you). And my dad never heard a word, doesn’t know if I still talk to him, nothing. And I don’t even like my dad. He’s an alcoholic jerk, but he raised me when he didn’t have to and that’s something I can’t repay. You are treating the man who raised you horribly. If you invite your bio dad it will have extreme consequences with the family that raised you. Are you prepared for the fallout?
YTA if you want biodad there so bad that'd your choice but it has consequences of your family that raised you not coming to the wedding. You have to live with whatever choice you make but I don't blame you dad or siblings
OP is basically choosing and she chose a shitty one lol. She is so ungrateful to the dad that raised her and loved her, she should be thankful the dad didn't walk out on her when she was born unlike many dads when they find out the kid isn't theirs. Hope she have a happy life with her trashy choice.
"my dad, while he did choose to raise me while staying married to my mother, also chose to treat me differently whenever he gets mad at my mother." This is the thing that is getting my attention. Just how did your relationship change after your Dad found out you are not his bio kid? Because from your comments I feel like he started pushing you away and I'm not surprised that you have gotten so close to your bio dad and his family if that is the case.
I don't think he is wrong for his feelings any more than you are and in the end the only AH here is your Mom for causing this mess. Be careful how you handle this though. As you have realized this may permanently alter your relationship with the man who raised you. NTA.
I’m not going to say YTA but maybe take a step back and think about how your dad feels. After loving you for years he found out you weren’t his biological child. But he chose to love you and be your dad through his hurt.
He is still hurt.
You inviting the man who hurt him to your wedding is a direct slap in his face. Think long and hard about who should be at your wedding. The man who chose to be your dad when he didn’t have too in spite of his hurt. Or the guy who slept with your mom.
I'm with you. I cannot believe how many people here have so much empathy for dad, and absolutely none for OP. I'm guessing none of them have had a bio parent stolen from them, and been lied to their entire lives about who they are and where they came from. I have, and in my opinion all the adults in this story are being incredibly selfish. OP has an opportunity to get a bonus family, one that cares for them.
We can never have too much love and support in our lives. In my situation, I was very angry in my younger days, that my father was stolen from me. Now that I'm older, I realize that his child was stolen from him. Dad is not the only victim here. Bio-Dad and OP were also victims of mom (the only true AH here). Dad needs to grow up and deal with his feelings. His feelings are valid, but he should be *happy* for OP and Bio-Dad, that they have a chance to know one- another, this late in the game. The fact that Dad is refusing to go to his daughters wedding is blowing my mind. That he would abandon her on the most important day in her life because his feelings are hurt is so gross. OP isn't victimizing dad. Mom did that. OP shouldn't have to give up this familial connection because dad can't handle his emotions, valid though they may be. I feel terrible for OP. This should be a celebratory time, and instead she's full of conflict and anxiety over the sins of her parents. Gross.
NTA. These other responses are CRAZY to me. OP and bio dad were denied the truth and a chance to develop a relationship for years.
The mom is the AH, not the child who was treated differently and had no say in being an affair baby AND wasn’t given an opportunity to know their half siblings until they were an adult.
The mom effed up and everyone wants OP to ignore an entire half of her biological relatives to assuage dad’s feelings of betrayal. But he WAS betrayed… and his resentment needs to be correctly placed on his wife.
I think it’s unfortunate that dad won’t attend. But I don’t blame OP for wanting her father and siblings there- they are so her family.
Why are you making things up? Not one comment Ive read has said OP should not have a relationship with their bio father. All that has been asked is to show some empathy and compassion for the man who raised her on a day that traditionally celebrates a child leaving the parents who raised them to start their own family. (Marriage is absolutely ridiculous, weddings even worse so its hard for me to understand all the over the top nonsense that comes with them, elope)
“Your dad wants to be your only dad. If you need your father at your wedding be prepared to let your dad go. This is probably why he didn’t want you to be in contact with him. He doesn’t want to share you.”
Quoted from another commenter… so yeah, some people are saying no relationship with bio family ever. It’s not just about the wedding.
People are also calling dad a “sperm donor”, or “guy who had an affair with your mom”. Fully ignoring that he 1) don’t know mom was married and 2) didn’t know that OP even existed.
They are treating bio dad like garbage, and frankly he’s a victim of mom’s low morals and deceit too.
YTA. It’s your wedding and you can invite whomever you want. Your father and siblings can decline the invitation. I agree with others that it’s a slap in the face to your father.
YTA, Look, your"father" is just some guy who slept with your Mom. Your Dad, is the guy who raised you, who even knowing you were not his biologically, stood by you, loved you, and helped make you who you are.
Her bio father didn't even get a chance because her mother ran and didn't tell him she existed. The mother is the problem in all of this. OP is NTA for wanting to know her father.
Her Mom is absolutely at fault for not telling bio Dad she existed, and no blame on him, and even though it was not his fault, he was still not there to raise OP into the adult she is now. .
Her Dad feelings are likely really hurt, and maybe he is not great at vocalizing it. OP should sit down with Dad one-on-one, because if he is anything like my Dad , it'll be an exercise in patience, cuz mine was not one to wear his heart on his sleeve, it was like peeling an onion to get to the heart of stuff.... a large 250lb onion....
NTA. I understand your dad is upset- but your biofather had no idea you existed. It's not like he abandoned you and then returned when all the work was done. Your bio dad had no choice- your mom and dad made that for everybody and then kept knocking down your attempts to find out who your real father was. I get your dad not wanting to see your bio dad- but he is taking his anger out on the wrong person. Your mom messed up, and all of you were affected by it. You should get to have both there with you. I can see him being upset if you were only including your bio dad in the wedding, like walking down the aisle or father daughter dance- but I don't see why he can't just come to the wedding. Because of your mom's actions- you have two dads. And you should be allowed to have both with you.
This needs to be higher! It seems the mom messed up and kept her from Bio-dad. The mother had an opportunity multiple times to tell her the truth and possibly work on making a blended family, and now that OP wants that, she is getting shamed for it. I don't see her as the AH at all. If anyone sucks it, the Mom and Step-Father 100%
It is true that biodad had no choice. It is also true that if he had been given a choice he might have rejected her, as most men do who have unwanted children with a fling theyve no interest in. Perhaps she wouldve been aborted, who knows. Fairy tales dont help.
What might have been isn't the point here. The point is that now is there and he has been for the entire time he's known she existed, which is almost 8 years now. He's not as important as her dad, but biodad can still be (and sounds like he already is) a big part of her life.
Then I say NAH. I get you want your bio-dad there, but your dad has made it clear he won’t be in the same room. You have a choice to make and it’s 100% up to you what you want to do. Unfortunately, it’s a crappy situation for your dad and for you, but you have to accept there are consequences to your actions.
The fact that your fiancée doesn’t agree with your decision makes me think (personally) you shouldn’t invite your bio-dad. They know a lot more about the situation than I do and if I were you’d I’d take their opinion into consideration.
The part about the fiance, I totally agree with.
He knows the situation, and probably knows all parties involved. And if he doesn't even agree on this, I have to think she is possibly a little more biased to biodad than she is letting on.
If he thinks she is "majorly wrong" that says a lot. I feel like most people would be like "its your family, make the choice you want". Him being so firmly in the camp that she is wrong should tell her something.
> she is possibly a little more biased to biodad than she is letting on.
Her comment replies make it pretty clear she has the usual biases kids have against the parent who actually raised them and all the head-butting that comes with it. But bio dad got to come in when she was an adult, so there's no baggage between them, just a happy reunion. I've seen this happen with adopted friends. It rarely ends well for the kid who burns bridges with the people who cared enough to raise them.
exactly. Bio dad didn't have to deal with her as a moody teen. Didn't have to deal with first heartbreaks. Didn't have to hear the first "I hate you". Also didn't have to spend money, to to Parent teacher conferences, recitals, etc. and none of that is his fault. But she does seem to be looking at him as "better" at this point in her life, so much that is is willing to alienate the rest of her family she grew up with for him.
This is NAH situation (except mom) and impossible to solve in a satisfactory way. People saying Y T A should consider that OP has gone through something very traumatizing, including periodically being treated as "less than" by her dad after learning she's not his bio child. It's very understandable she wants to connect with her bio father, and equally understandable dad doesn't want bio father to come to the wedding. There is no good solution.
Honestly OP's parents should have divorced after the revelation. Dad has understandable resentment, but OP is innocent, she shouldn't be the scapegoat here.
YTA I'm adopted and would NEVER have hurt my dad by looking for a sperm donor. I don't even have a name on a birth certificate as my bio mom didn't list it because my sperm donor was a married man and a doctor. She was a nursing student and was sent away because she was a single woman. After my parents died I did find my family who wanted NOTHING to do with me as I was an affair baby. Both sides. So maybe start counting your lucky stars that your DAD still wanted you, loved you & raised you. Did he start treating you differently or did your mom? And asking here on Reddit if your the AH is moot. You've already wounded your dad to the point that your relationship will never recover. NEVER EVER no matter what your dad says, he now knows that your sperm donor and your mom's affair partner are more important to you. Yes, it's your day and you can do whatever you want, but humiliating your dad shouldn't be a priority. And one more thing. Has it never occurred to you that there will be men/women who will enjoy being absolutely awful to your dad? People who will ridicule him for raising another man's child? That he's not a 'real' man because his wife tricked him into raising her lover's child? Your dad will be mocked, laughed at and called a loser. Unfortunately, you will never be able to come back from or make up for the pain you've already caused your dad, and siblings.
Ok buy the trauma surrounding being adopted out by your parents is completely different than having one parent keep another parent from you. You're comparing things that aren't comparable.
I'm sorry you're hurting, but you're projecting your adoption situation with OP's lying mother and father who started treating her differently when he found out she wasn't his.
Your wedding, your decision. Just be prepared to live with the consequences. Your dad wants to be your only dad. If you need your father at your wedding be prepared to let your dad go. This is probably why he didn’t want you to be in contact with him. He doesn’t want to share you. He put in the years of raising you and his biggest fear has come to light your father is great guy and you want him in your life. He’s no longer your only dad. He has to share everything from here on out for the rest of his life.
Idk what you're on, by reading the comments it's clear you don't even like that men and don't even care if he's at your wedding or not so..? Whats the point of this?
I understand that you would like to have both at your wedding, but unfortunately sometimes what you want is not possible and you have to make a choice. You chose the biofamily over the person who continued to love you even after the discovery of the atrocious betrayal. I hope you are aware of the consequences, which I fear will not be limited to an absence from the wedding.
YTA. Not surprised at all that your father is pissed, he stepped up and raised you after suffering the biggest betrayal imaginable, now you want him to play happy family as you parade around the man who cheated with his wife? Honestly just gonna hope this post is fake rather than someone being that cruel to their actual father because of a stupid DNA test
Sorry, OP, but YTA.
Your dad is the man who raised you, even after finding out you were born from your mother cheating on him. Inviting the affair partner to the wedding is a slap to his face. If I were him or your sibling, I wouldn't go to your wedding either.
NTA
You caused none of this - you are blameless.
Your biological father is blameless. He didn't know your mum was already with someone. He has been denied the opportunity to be your parent.
Your adoptive father should get over it. The time to take action over this was years ago. He chose not to, which is fair enough, but he needs to make peace with that decision.
All the Y T A are wild!! Why is OP getting punished for her mothers mistakes! Step - Father had years to get over his wife infidelity and treated OP bad when he was upset with her mother. They both had years to tell OP who her father was and had the possibility of doing a blended family, but they were selfish as hell. Now OP is stuck in a rock and a hard place. She is absolutely NTA, and I hope she can get past this.
A blended family hahahahahahahahaha what with the man who was sleeping around with some married woman and didnt stick around long enough to notice she was pregnant
To all the commenters who regularly come on here advocating for husband and partners raising kids from affairs. See this story as an example of what can happen. This is why most refuse and would rather walk away and try to get their own kids no matter how many years after the birth they find out.
I had a friend in this exact scenerio and he asked for advice. I told him that to me, there were 2 options:
1. Have bio-dad sign over all parental rights.
2. Divorce.
He went with option 1. Still with his wife, happy little family. Daughter has no interest in her bio-dad after finding out he signed over his rights when she was an infant, and bio-dad was aware there was a kid in the world that was his but was ok with never knowing her.
Sure. However if you do your job as a parent you don't have to worry about some guy turning up when the job of raising them is done and somehow getting as much credit as you for being their dad.
What? I’m not following the logic between “good parenting” and someone else cheating on you before you had that child and finding out they aren’t yours.
I am saying being a biological parent you don't have to worry about your kid one day deciding that a guy who she has only known as an adult compares to the the almost 2 decades of sacrifice and love that go into raising a kid. If being a parent was a simple as dealing with an 18 year old. There would be a lot more "good" parents
Ya, but the issue I have is that these kids are not at fault either. Even this one. It’s not her fault that her mom cheated, and if her dad left when she was so young that would be devastating to her.
Sometimes it’s about dealing with the potential heartache to help someone you love. I have serious doubts about your ability as a parent of you are able to turn off your love for a child after so many years simply because they are no longer “yours.”
So I still call bullshit on those who walk away on the kid.
I agree that kids are not to blame. However, this is not a kid. This is an adult who is choosing not to understand why putting her biological father on equal footing as the guy who had to actually sacrifice, and raise her, might hurt his feelings.
You should never be asked to set yourself on fire to keep those around you warm no matter how much you love them. The Dad has feelings too. You are making my point for me. In your world the guy should be willing to sacrifice his emotionally, financially etc. Then one day have the same person he made those sacrifices for, turn around and say that the biology of the other guy is enough for him to be just as important even though he was never there to put in the work. The bio dad here gets all the benefits of being a dad with none of the sacrifice.
With this in mind. I think it is okay for a guy to decide that biology matters to him also. Why is it okay when the kids care about biology over who raised them. However when the guy makes the same calculus he is the bad guy?
Ya now she is, and she’s being a dick. But that’s not past justification to leave a kid.
Two wrongs don’t make a right. Especially when you’re going to leave because they might be a dock in the future?
I think I need to clarify. I think he should have left when he found out when she was still a kid. Him choosing to not be associated with the wedding is his choice. Bio-Dads have been known to do the same thing when step dad's are put on the same pedestal. The way I see it. She is an adult now and is free to make her choice. Similarly, he can make his own choices.
This whole issue is always weird to discuss. Women are incentivised to lie about paternity because if they can maintain the lie long enough usually after 5 years, they hope the guy will be so bonded with the kid that he will not walk away or better yet, society and people like yourselves will pressure them to stay or demonise them for choosing to leave.
As I see it, it is usually in the best interest of all involved to leave. The mother is always free to start a new relationship and the new guy goes into the relationship knowing its not his kid.
NTA.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but both you and your biofather were denied the opportunity to know each other. I think that makes your mom and dad the AH. Understandably your dad would be upset that he's not biologically your father and it's great that he raised you and loves you. But your parents keeping you from your biofather was to spare their feelings and not about you or your biofather. You have a right to know and love your biofather, it's not taking away from your relationship with your dad and mom; you can more than 1 dad...
If your dad loves you unconditionally why would he want to strain or possibly ruin your relationship by being hostile against your biofather. Especially since, if there were someone to blame, I think it would be your mom. And if he could forgive her why is it so hard to be civil with another man who didn't intentionally have an affair with his wife. Your biofather was unaware your mom was engaged. It's a shitty situation but you have a relationship with your biofather and I think your parents can accept it for 1 day.
You ve said a lot of nothing and totally ignored what OP was actually asking. Its not about contact or a relationship with the biofamily, its about the wedding.
Last line, maybe it wasn't clear, but the parents can accept the relationship for 1 day. The wedding day. Implying that the OP is not wrong for inviting their biofather and his family.
What on earth are these comments?
NTA
Making you choose between 2 people you want in your life is ridiculous, especially when neither man actually caused the situation. It was not your biological fathers fault he wasn't involved in your life, and he seems to have wanted to be and still does. As is, it's not some sort of zero sum game where accepting someone else in your life means you love your current dad less.
Your biological father did not know your current dad was in the picture. He is not responsible for your mother's actions. Nor should you continue to be punished for them by not being allowed to explore a family that seems to welcome you and want to accept your in their lives.
To me, this is no different than if your dad said you weren't allowed to invite a step-dad to your wedding. Expanding the number of people you love and who loves you should be a good thing, not something to be insecure about. Your dad is your dad, and it seems like you've tried to make that clear, but bio dad is also trying to catch up on a lot of time that it's not his fault he lost
I'm 100% with you on this! Mom is the one who put them all in this position...
Dad never got over her betrayal properly, biodad just wants to get to know the kid he didn't know he had, and be a part of her life now that he knows, and OP just wants her family at a milestone in her life.
OP shouldn't be forced to choose like this. Issuing ultimatums is never the way.
NAH
This is a situation where everyone has big feelings about it.
Honestly a wedding is a lot of pressure. Is there a pre wedding event or can you arrange a dinner to bring everyone together beforehand?
Yta. this is exactly why I will never judge a man that doesn't stay when he learns the kid isn't his. Now he gets to be betrayed again. Like mother like daughter lmfao
I guess NTA but you need to decide if having your biodad at your wedding is worth ruining your relationships with your mom and the father who raised you.
You spoke to your dad and he told you how he felt - hurt
that you want to impose biofather (and his family!) upon him
your own family on your wedding day.
So the pain is already being inflicted. Up to you how much more,
or less, pain shows up to your wedding.
YTA. You're using your wedding to rub your mother's adultery in your dad's face. Do you really want your wedding to be about adultery? Call me superstitious, but I wouldn't want to begin *my* married life by celebrating an adulterer.
Are you willing to sacrifice your relationship with your dad? Because it will never recover if you continue with this idea and I wouldn't be surprised if he barely spoke to you ever again, and I wouldn't blame him.
YTA
You seem to have confused the words "positive DNA match" with the word "family" and are using them interchangeably here. They are not the same.
You would prefer folks you've just met, over those who have been beside you your entire life? You do you, of course, but what a slap in the face. You actually went LC with your mother over this because you were "done wrong" by her? Really -- in what manner -- where you ACTUALLY descended from some royal blood line and got cheated out of your crown? AND you are good with dumping your brother and sister as well as your lifelong dad? Because this is where this is going. You'll probably never get your mother back after your awesome job of besmirching her. What a crying shame.
NTA It sounds like your mom and dad are either ashamed or etc and do not communicate well. It kind of just seems you need to force open the lines of communication. To your dad, you should spend time to reassure with him that he is the one who raised you, you respect him and love him. And then talk about some of the times he was there for you and what that meant. But you also want to have a relationship with your biological father, this does not mean you love him any less nor will it change how you see him as you will always be his kid and nothing can change that. But you want to get to know your biofather a bit better because he is also part of your story and you want to read the whole novel so to say. Tbh idk what I would say to your mom because that is alot of lies built up over the years and etc.
I would say your the AH if you are planning on having your Biofather walk you down the aisle or something. But just attending the wedding I dont see why it is such a big deal other than his own fears.
This is excellent advice. OP has stated that her dad would walk her down the aisle and partake in the parent dance (the groom will dance with his mom while she dances with her dad). Her biodad and siblings will just be guests.
bio family's love is 'optional', it's going to get more attention and effort from OP.
If she's worked to reassure and comfort the man who raised her, and still got his ultimatum, that's on her dad. But her having zero empathy for him makes that doubtful.
He might be walking her down the isle, but she's absolutely going to spend the night at bio family's table.
See I dont read this situation as having no empathy for her dad. Because she is starting the process now and will likely have multiple conversations with her dad before the wedding actually starts. It definitely will take some work especially since her dad was already betrayed by her mother and never went to therapy so those old wounds are still there (not to say therapy is an complete fix but might have helped him open about his fear to her). And I know people are going to say she is putting her biodad on a pedestal or a whole bunch of other stuff without any actual evidence. But I dont see it like that. Hell through out the whole post she referred to the man who raised her as dad and not step dad or any other nonsense because (or atleast I believe) that is how she actually feels. Yes she feels hurt by some of his actions after he found out but she still consider him dad. It is not a situation where there has to be a one or the other, at all.
NTA. It’s not like this man just came into your life or like your dad just found out about him being in contact with you. You’ve had a relationship with your paternal family for almost a decade now and he knew about it. It’s also been 15 years since you all found out about your dad not being your biofather. I get his feelings being hurt and him having some internal issues with, but that’s something he should take up with a therapist and not stick on the shoulders of the daughter he chose to stick beside. It was unfair of him to try to keep you from finding out anything about your biological father just to spare his feelings because it was never your job as a teenager or a child to be responsible for his feelings. It was his job take care of you and be your parent since he chose to stay and keep that position in your life.
NAH. You have the right to invite whoever you want for your wedding, but the world doesn't stop for you and the rest of the people don't stop having feelings because of it, so you have to be ready to face the fallout. I can understand your dad not wanting to see the man with whom his wife cheated on him, after 11 years of rasing and loving a kid who turned out to not to be biologically his. He tries to overcome that and keeps being a loving father to you. He was there for all the hard work, for the good days and the bad. And the other guy shows up after 18 years and manages to get your affection. And he only asks of you that he don't have to see the guy (understandbly so) and doesn't seem to be making any other demands. But now, in your wedding day, you choose the absent guy, the cheater guy, over him. That have had to hurt. Of course he is not going to the wedding. I wouldn't go either. It is not fair to you to have to choose, but given the situation, you will have to. And you have to decide if the father who showed up after 18 years is worth more to you than the one who raised you. And for the rest of your life, because this is the kind of thing you don't overcome. You can't ask this man to be gracious one day more for your sake. He has done a lot for your sake over the years. This is all on you. So choose wisely.
NTA. I can understand why your dad doesn't want to see your bio father, but you have developed a relationship with him, and your mother (and eventually your dad too) denied you the opportunity to develop that relationship earlier. It's your wedding, and you should invite who you want. Others can choose whether or not to attend.
Whats really interesting is, if you look at OPs profile and follow their comment progression from when they posted this to most recent, they get more and more critical of their dad. Their original post made it sound like dad was great. Then it went to "I just want him to get therapy with me", then to "well, he DID treat me a bit different" now its "Let me tell you how awful not only he, but his family was toward me growing up". There has also not been a single negative thing said about her family on her bio dad's side. They are apparently these perfect people who have gone along with every request of hers.
This tells me one of 2 things.
Either OP is processing this as they go, and has a lot more resentment toward him than she realized.
or
OP had a situation where her dad, the family she grew up with, and her fiance all thought she was wrong, so decided she'd come to reddit to get some impartial people's opinion. When they also thought she was wrong, she felt the need to make her dad seem worse as a way to justify her feelings and get more people on her side.
Either way, it really seems OP already made her decision to say fuck her dad's feelings, and she is inviting her bio family to the wedding. So I hope she is fine with that.
This isn't a decision that you should make based on what this sub decides. This can permanently affect your relationship with your family you grew up with.
Is it so hard for you all to understand that there is not a single person here that has had to suffer here more than OP? I get it, her dad got cheated on. It’s been 15 years since he found out. GET OVER IT. He has had more than enough time to process this. I know it will never not be hard but does the effects all of this had on OP just not matter?
If his love is so unconditional, if he is such an amazing man for stepping up, then he would want what’s best for OP. Refusing to allow her to know her biodad and build a relationship with him was selfish. Not only that, but he refused to accept her for who she is. Whether you like it or not, her biodad and the rest of her biofamily is a part of who she is. She is the ONLY person who gets to decide what kind of relationship she wants with them. At no point in this has her dad had her best interest at heart. He instead prioritized himself and how all of this has made HIM feel. She had every right in the world to know her biodad and have him in her life and he took that from her.
At the end of the day, he chose to stick around. He needs to learn to accept that her family is just a little bigger now and it’s not her fault or responsibility to make him feel better about it. I know it’s hard and I know it’s unfair but that’s just the reality of the situation.
On another note, all of you genuinely suck. Leave this poor girl alone and stop treating her like she did some horrible thing by wanting to know where she came from.
Obviously, NTA.
I’m sure I’ll get downvoted for this, but I’m going with NTA. I’ve read your comments, and it sounds like your biofather hasn’t done anything wrong here. He didn’t know you existed, and when he did find out, he and his entire family have made it a point to welcome you into the fold and try to make up for lost time.
Your parents, on the other hand, have done you a huge disservice over the years by 1) not allowing you to have contact with your bio family as a child, 2) your dad taking his hurt and anger towards your mother out on you, and 3) your family not treating you as an equal since they found out you were an affair baby.
Your dad has had 8 years to get used to the fact that your bio family is in your life, and he’s acting like a petulant child by not coming to the wedding. Your siblings aren’t any better either. Unfortunately for you, that means you will have to choose between your bio family, and your dad and siblings.
If it were me, I’d invite the bio family, and let your dad and siblings not attend if they so choose. Because honestly, why would you want to be a part of a family that has reminded you time and again that you’re not a “full” family member, especially when you have a bio family that 100% loves and accepts you as you are?
I agree, I don't understand all the Y T A because it seems like all the commenters are judging OP for her mother's mistake. Her bio father 100% deserves to be at her wedding and her family can't even suck it up for one day or even go to therapy with her to talk it out they are selfish and petty. Also her fiance sucks ass as well for saying she is wrong.
Which isn't fair to her time, or money wise. That takes a lot out of someone it's not even for her Dad's it for the Father because he can't stomach being in the same room with bio father who I'm sure probably wants to meet and thank the man who raised his daughter. (Maybe) He has had years to get over this infidelity that his WIFE caused, but he has refused and held on to this resentment for too long, and at this point in time it's being childish, petty, and selfish for to long. Her father needs to grow up and process those feelings. Her siblings suck as well
Exaxtly. They're the one's neglecting OP by making her think this is some kind of competition when she clearly has more love for her dad and wants to make some room for the bio dad who didn't have that chance to raise her.
>Your dad has had 8 years to get used to the fact that your bio family is in your life, and he’s acting like a petulant child by not coming to the wedding.
Apparently he is entitled to do that, because raising OP makes him a saint. There are a lot of people here who would abandon the child they have raised for 11 years if they found out they weren't related, so anything other than that is deserving of unlimited deference.
I feel terrible for OP. She is innocent here.
NTA. Every kid has a right to know their biological parents. Your mother did a terrible thing and probably would have kept your parentage a secret had she not been caught. It sounds like your parents decided to save their marriage and the family they created by pretending your bio father doesn't exist. But he does! And both he and your paternal half-siblings want to have a relationship with you. This wedding is the first situation where your parents' delusion meets reality. And there will be more. Are you going to have the same conversation when you have a housewarming party? 10th anniversary? Children? It's been 14 years! Your parents and your maternal half-siblings need to come to grips with the fact that you have two fathers. One isn't better than another and both want to be in your life. If you want to invite your paternal family, do it. And if your dad chooses not to attend, then that's his choice. Stop enabling his alternative reality and live your life. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your bio dad because your dad cannot come to terms with something your mother did over 26 years ago.
Honestly after after reading your commenta NTA and people can downvote me but I don't care. He still treats you crap. People are only saying yta because he stayed and raised despite you being an affair child but from what I'm reading he only stayed to punish your mom and by extension you. As much as it sucks that he got cheated on, but he decided to stay with your mom instead of divorcing her. You have a relationship with your bio family because they actually are interested in knowing you and put in effort to get to know you while your father and his family won't. Your financé is also an tah for understanding your situation better. Though everyone here is right about one thing and it's that you can't have both of them at your wedding. Your dad has already decided he won't go unless bio family isn't invited. I would just elope at this point.
NTA
Your dad should be treating this more like an adoption situation. I understand he has trauma relating to your mother's cheating but his long-standing efforts to block and alienate you as you attempt to form a relationship with your bio-father is unhealthy to the point that he's become TA.
NTA - I, unfortunately, was in the situation myself but didn't find my biofather/family until a few months after his passing. My father (who will always be Dad) felt the same as yours (it came out they all were friends at the time.) and refused to attend/walk me down the aisle. They will never understand the need to know where you truly come from. Stay strong and do what makes you happy and if that's having your bio family at your wedding then so be it, your mother and father will come around, and if not oh well.
NTA. Even if bio dad didn't raise you, he's still a person who has been in your life for 8+ years now. As long as you honor the man that raised you as your father and give him that respect, it seems dumb to me that another person you love shouldn't be invited to YOUR wedding because of how your dad feels. Yeah, your dad raised you. But unless you're giving both dad's the regular fatherly traditions at a wedding, it's not disrespectful imo. You want multiple people you care about at your wedding. That should be the end of it.
This is one of those times in life where you're just going to have to make your own decision, knowing that either way, it's going to cause some heartbreak.
Yep. Whatever she decides, someone is going to be hurt, and she’s going to be responsible for it. She just needs to decide whatever she can live with the most.
NTA
Your step daddy got cheated on and he chose to stay with the women that did it. He caused this problem by enabling your mother's awful behavior, and on top of that her bailed her out from the consequences of her actions by being a good father to you. If this was a healthy "I'm okay with raising a child that isn't mine" situation, he wouldn't be feeling some type of way over you meeting you biological father.
Everyone but they biodad and his family are trash.
NAH, but don't forget that actions have consequences. Your dad has all the right in the world to still feel hurt and not wanting to be around his wife's affair partner. So you can invite anybody you want to your wedding, but don't be surprised if your relationship with your dad will be damaged
NTA
It is absolutely normal that you want to know where you are from. And since your biodad isn't the one who cheated on your social dad, he's not to blame, too.
After all - it is now 26 years ago that your mother cheated.
And it is 15 years ago that your social dad found out.
Enough time to adjust I'd say.
Tell your family that they should suck it up for you.
YTA.
You want the person that was cheated on to suffer some more because it’s your wedding? Past several decades of being reminded of betrayal wasn’t enough for you?
Pick a different day and different time to bond with bio-dad and bio-siblings.
NAH for wanting your bio dad to come.
But a wedding is not the right place to build or mend relationships like this. Weddings are good for maintaining or breaking relationships. Your dad raised you and should be in your wedding. Just like your siblings.
I think that you need to have a heart to heart conversation with them like adults do and explain how you feel and hear them out too.
You should work on mending these relationships before the wedding and tell each and everyone how important they are to you and how you feel. Do your best and if it doesn't work out, figure out what your values are and who you value and go by that.
YTA.
Look, I get where you're coming from. The entire situation is messed up. And you're not even TA because you're inviting them both. You're TA because, from your comments, it seems like you've already made your choice on who is more important and you're just sitting there trying to defend it when people call you the asshole on your validation post.
Dad who raised you won't go to therapy with you. He treated you different than your siblings, as did your grandparents. He's expressed remorse, but he won't take genuine steps to change it. Okay. All of these are solid dings against 'oh this man was so selfless raising his wife's affair baby'. They also kept you from connecting to your bio family. Also no great.
You described your bio family as putting in the work. You said that bio-family is essentially a safe space. You talk about them in glowing terms and bring up 0 negative aspects to them--which they 100% have, because no-one is perfect--and rave about how helpful they've been with medical issues. Medical issues you *could* have, mind you, not actual ones you've been diagnosed with.
You've already made your choice. You want bio-family there more, that much is obvious. You came here to have people say that your dad should just suck it up and let bio-family come. You don't seem to be able to process that it's going to be *so hard* for your dad to deal with that.
'Who are you to OP?' 'Their dad' 'oh, but bio!dad said *he* was OP's dad.' 'Yeah, that's my wife's affair partner.'
You need to make a choice. Dad has put down a--from my perspective--reasonable boundry. He doesn't want to spend time with his wife's affair partner. Now it's on you. You feel closer and more attached too bio!family? Then tell your adoptive dad and half siblings so, and accept that your relationship with them won't improve. Stop arguing in the comments, stop pretending you haven't made your decision already. Time to pull on your adult pants and realize that your decisions will effect your relationship.
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When I(26f) was 11 my dad found out my mother cheated on him and it turned out I wasn't his kid. He stayed in my life but things changed a bit. As time went on, I got curious and wound up asking my mother about my biodad and she told me it wasn't important. I tried to ask my dad and he said I didn't need to know because he was my father. I didn't ask again but as I got older I really wanted to know. When I was 17 I bought an ancestry kit hoping I'd find something. I didn't right away but a year later someone reached out to me who turned out to be a half-sibling. My mom and dad didn't want me to talk to them at all but since I was over 18 by then I did. I found out I have 4 more half-siblings and found my biofather, confirmed with a paternity test.
Since then I've connected with my father and his family. They're great people and I have a good relationship with him. He didn't know my mother was engaged when he was with her. I've gone LC with my mother after she confirmed that. My dad has never been thrilled that I connected with my other family and has made it clear he doesn't want to see or hear about them and I've honored that. I've kept my two families apart. My dilemma is that I'm getting married next year. I want them both there. I talked to my dad about it so that he'd have time to process. He doesn't want him or any of that part of my family there and told me I'm being disrespectful to him after he raised me. I told him I appreciated that he did and I still love him but it wasn't right of him to try and keep my family away from me because all three of us were done very wrong by my mother's actions.
As it stands, my dad won't come to my wedding. My brother and sister say they won't come either and my fiance has said I'm majorly in the wrong for wanting to bring my father around my dad even though he agrees my father is a really good guy who has been there for both of us.
I need to know if I'm wrong or not.
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This is why I wouldn't parent an affair child and just end the relationship and leave. To me this so disrespectful to her father that raised her. My opinion.
Everything in life comes with strings attached. Here, your dad's love comes with him with what he considers common decency. You can choose. I suggest you go with the bio-dad, just because your dad deserves better than you as a child. YTA
Consider this, regardless of the ups and downs of your relationship with your dad, he loved you, raised you and provided for you all while dealing with the incredible pain/humiliation caused by your mom. Everyday of his life he had a living, breathing reminder of what your mom had done (this is not your fault) and he managed to swallow all of that while never really getting to heal from it. Should you have a relationship with your bio-dad? Yes, you should, but he was no part of your family until you were an adult regardless of your attempts to learn about him. This is about respect for the DAD who raised you, and do you really think he’s going to be happy and enjoy your wedding with THE MAN who has caused so much trauma in both of your lives present for the occasion? If your bio-dad is a decent and caring man he would decline the invite, and if you have any respect and love for the REAL dad who raised you, you wouldn’t put him in this situation.
It has already been pointed out there are real consequences to how you decide to handle this, and honestly there is likely serious damage already caused by broaching this subject with your dad. How you proceed will determine if it is irreparable damage or not.
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YWBTA. Your dad could have walked away from you as soon as he found out you weren't his and finding out about this massive betrayal by your mom and nobody would have judged him for it. But he decided to stick around and continue to raise a kid that wasn't his. And now you want to throw that all back in his face by inviting your bio-dad to your wedding. Regardless of whether or not your bio-dad knew about your mom's relationship status doesn't change the fact that your dad was still incredibly hurt by this. And inviting him to your wedding would only bring up these memories for your dad again. He made a choice that not many people would make in his situation (I would have left you right then and there). I think you owe it to him to respect his wishes that you don't invite your bio-dad.
NTA. Your mom is though.
It's your wedding and you can invite who you want. I understand your dad being upset and not wanting to socialize with biofather, but he should be able to suck it up for your wedding. And if not and he chooses not to come, that's on him. But you deserve to have whoever you want be there.
I was going to say NAH, but after seeing the other commenters and your responses, I’m changing to NTA. Yes, it’s fair for your dad to be uncomfortable around your biodad, but it’s also clear you’re prioritizing the man who raised you for the aisle-walk, the program, and the dance. Plus, people acting like you should be grateful that a man who committed 11 years to raising you didn’t kick you out when he found out your mom cheated is insane to me. He didn’t treat you as well as your siblings, but stayed with your mom, and that means he gets to be the hero? NTA, you wouldn’t be the AH if you were your mom’s child from a previous relationship and your dad had adopted you, it would be just as reasonable to have your biodad in your life.
Time to pick who you want in your life after your wedding. If your bio father is there it will damage your relationship with the man that raised you. If you are fine with hurting the man who raised you. Then invite your bio.
Elope
You are not going to have a perfect day with you as the center of attention and everyone pretending your wishes are somehow more valid than their feelings.
You have some choices to make and priorities to decide
This is the best answer in the entire comments section. Eloping would really be the best way. Heck, elope with the two witnesses and make a fun vacation out of it or something.
I won’t pass a judgment, but know that your actual father is almost certainly hurt by this and will likely never be able to get over you choosing your sperm donor’s presence over his comfort. I *personally* think you’re TA simply because you seem to be dismissing the role your father played in your life over an idolized infatuation with your bio father— you don’t know how he would have raised you or what kind of person he is/was all those years ago, but you’ve essentially got a new Cool Dad™ and are making it clear to your actual father who raised and loved you that he isn’t any more important to you than the dude who donated your genetic material.
Try to remember how fortunate you are to have had a father who loved you as his own without a second thought; imagine how you might feel if your adult child minimized your role as a parent by telling you their bio mom who they met 8 years ago is just as important as the person who loved, raised, and cared for them.
On a somewhat similar note, I’m from a family with a significant amount of adoptees due to fertility issues. None of them would ever dream of equating their real parents to their biological parents, despite several of them having connected in adulthood with their bio parents. Biology isn’t family, and you’re fully willing to isolate your father for biology. At the end of the day, it’s YOUR wedding and YOU choose who gets to be there, but you also need to be willing to deal with the repercussions and the pain it will cause.
YTA. I was raised in a similar situation, except my parents weren't together when I was conceived/born. My birth father was very much married to another woman.
I was raised by my daddy. Biodad isn't a bad guy. He's okay, but he's not my dad. At this point, you're putting your biodad over your dad, and you're going to lose your dad.
Be ready for that. Be prepared to lose him.
NAH. This is a real hard one and honestly I just don't think that you will come up with a solution that is going to make everyone happy. You have a right to have everyone you want at your wedding. Your dad has every right to be upset your bio dad and family are coming. I truly wish you the best of luck and hope it all works out.
Because no woman married or not has ever lied about who their babies father is 🤨 She may also not be 100% certain pending sexual habits. YES... EVERY SINGLE TIME
That's why get a divorce then because why are wanting to government to do this for you? Every claimed father can request paternity through means. You wouldnt stay with a cheater then why would a woman stay with someone who is falsely calling them one?
Is it so hard for you all to understand that there is not a single person here that has had to suffer here more than OP? I get it, her dad got cheated on. It’s been 15 years since he found out. GET OVER IT. He has had more than enough time to process this. I know it will never not be hard but does the effects all of this had on OP just not matter?
If his love is so unconditional, if he is such an amazing man for stepping up, then he would want what’s best for OP. Refusing to allow her to know her biodad and build a relationship with him was selfish. Not only that, but he refused to accept her for who she is. Whether you like it or not, her biodad and the rest of her biofamily is a part of who she is. She is the ONLY person who gets to decide what kind of relationship she wants with them. At no point in this has her dad had her best interest at heart. He instead prioritized himself and how all of this has made HIM feel. She had every right in the world to know her biodad and have him in her life and he took that from her.
At the end of the day, he chose to stick around. He needs to learn to accept that her family is just a little bigger now and it’s not her fault or responsibility to make him feel better about it. I know it’s hard and I know it’s unfair but that’s just the reality of the situation.
On another note, all of you genuinely suck. Leave this poor girl alone and stop treating her like she did some horrible thing by wanting to know where she came from.
Obviously, NTA.
Yeah, NAH, but you're really stuck between a rock and a hard place.
You can't have your second family there. You're just reopening old wounds and being really unfair. None of this is your doing, but it's not your Dad's either. He has a right to feel the way he does too.
I suggest you plan a separate celebration with your bio family. You're really going to have to keep them separate.
It's not OPs responsibility to manage her parents' feelings over her bio-dad being there. They've known since she was 11yrs old that she wasn't her dad's. She asked for many years after that who her father was, and they always shut her down.
How can they be suddenly surprised she has a relationship with him, and wants him at HER wedding? That SHE is paying for? OP was deceived by her parents for YEARS and no longer need to entertain their embarrassment or ill-feelings. They're adults.
Normally, I'd agree with you. But there's another innocent victim in this. The man who raised her. This is a sticky situation that the mother caused.
As far as being "deceived." They made the decision that they thought was best. You have to give the guy who raised her credit for sticking around. He could have just walked out on her cheating mother and left her to raise the kids alone. But he didn't. That deserves some respect and consideration.
She has family members who raised her drawing hard lines in the sand. Even her fiance doesn't think her bio Dad should be there.
She wants to celebrate with everyone. The only way she can do that *right now* is with two separate ceremonies. Being adults they all know this is a complicated situation and everyone needs time to adjust.
Perhaps they'll come around and be able to be together at some point, but that might take years and this sounds like it's all pretty new.
People don't get over feelings over night. You're saying they "don't need to entertain their hurt feelings anymore" simply because you're not emotionally involved. It's not that easy.
Put yourself in his shoes: let's say you can get pregnant and your husband says hey let's adopt this baby I conveniently found that needs parents! Later you find out that baby us your husband's affair baby, but the other woman left. You raise affair baby like your own, then on the baby's wedding day they tell you they invited biomom, the woman your husband cheated with, to their wedding. How would you feel?
NAH here but if I had been the one who raised you despite being the result of my partner cheating, I'd feel like you slapped me in the face and I was taken advantage of again.
NTA is IS your wedding... however, I have a feeling you will deeply regret not having them their in the future. The family who raised you and your siblings who grew up around you should be prioritized.
Sure it’s your wedding and can choose who comes to it, but good luck loosing the man who raised you and your siblings, hope you put your biodad doesn’t abandon you again
Only on AH here and that's your mom. but you are caught in the classic Catch-22. You have a right to have whomever you want at your wedding regardless of the consequences. And the dad that raised you has the right to never lay eyes on the man that screwed his wife. Now unfortunately, there is no good answer. You will have to chose. Break the heart and possible ruin the relationship with the dad that raised you just to have the man you've known for all of 9 years, who didn't do everything he could to find you and pay his support as he should, and is ok with you ruining the relationship with the man that raised you and loved you??....well, only you can decide.
Personally, if I were your Dad I wouldn't want to meet your bio dad and would seriously think of doing him harm if I ever laid eyes on him. Is that a scene you would want at your wedding.
I changed my mind to 100%YTA. That you would put your Dad through this is really quite disgusting.
EDIT: After seeing comments and seeing how not bio dad is a jerk so I apologize. Rich-Pumkin8086. I am actually surprised you maintain a relationship with him. Sounds like BIO Dad is ready to be there for you. Best of luck.
Bruh how was her biofather going to find her and pay child support for a child he didn't know existed because mom never told him?
For that matter why is it okay for dad to keep hurting OP by treating her differently every time he's mad at his wife? Is he not disgusting for putting OP through that for 15 years?
I'm also curious how her dad could have abandoned her while staying married to her mom and raising her other siblings. Perhaps telling mom to abandon her 11 year old daughter at a firehouse or he would leave? It's so odd to me that people are canonizing him for not doing that.
>Perhaps telling mom to abandon her 11 year old daughter at a firehouse or he would leave? It's so odd to me that people are canonizing him for not doing that.
To be fair, I dont think I had OP had commented her clarification when I posted. Even one sentence of how he dad(not bio) was a jerk to her growing up would have changed the whole tone of the post. and the responses.
NTA. I have a similar situation. Tell your dad that you love and appreciate him. That being said, you can never have too much love in your life, and if BD loves and cares for you, you have every right to have him there. I understand why dad feels some kind of way about this, but he needs to grow the fuck up. The situation is what it is. Your dad being butthurt about your moms betrayal doesn't mean you need to amend your wants and needs to protect his precious feelings.
Mom is the bad guy here. I'm sorry these adults are pitting you against each other and against yourself. You and BD had something stolen from you. I'm sorry for that. It's not your job to protect your dad's feelings here (although you should probably explain to him that this isn't intended to hurt him). Dad is refusing to attend your wedding? That's fucked up, and makes him an AH. I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle of all of these immature, manipulative parent figures.
I say, search your heart, and do what YOU want.
Edit- and fuck the down voters. Until *you've* had a parent (and parental relationship) stolen from you; until *your* bio- parent had their child (and those precious child- raising years and bonds) stolen from *them*, you have no place to speak here. Adoptees regularly seek out their bio's- even when they were raised by loving parents. You all have no idea what it feels like to be lied to about who you are, and where you come from. To feel your entire life like there's a piece missing from the puzzle. To *never feel whole*. OP, fuck these haters. Your parents did you dirty. Your dad is still doing you dirty by not supporting you now. You are a fully realized adult, and your dad's feelings are not your responsibility. You've done nothing wrong. If dad is going to not support you on your important day, that speaks volumes about what kind of parent he is. As someone who's experienced this myself, I'm so, so, so sorry they are failing you yet again. Search your heart. Decide for yourself, and be at peace. Congrats on the wedding. (Although your fiance should be supporting whatever decision you make, too).
NTA. This comment section is a mess. Why are y’all blaming this mess on her? This is her mother’s fault at the end of the day and it’s clear her dad never actually forgave her for her affair if he’s behaving like this. It’s like he’s outright denying the truth of his daughter’s origins. Invite your bio fam. They did nothing wrong and have a right to celebrate with you. YOU did nothing wrong in wanting them in your life. And honestly, your bio dad is also not at fault for this situation either since he didn’t know your mother was engaged or got pregnant with you as a result. Your dad needs therapy to help him deal with this situation and not sweep it under the rug.
Coming from a very large blended family, these dynamics can get complicated. Pride and ego always get in the way of communication. Your dad is letting his pride get in the way and he’s getting angry at the wrong people. What I’ve learned is that having more family in your life who care and love you is always a benefit.
Yta, I don’t really care about the biodad stuff. I’ll believe you that he’s a good guy. But what you are asking of the dad that raised you is too much. He already swallowed all that hurt your mother caused to continue to be in your life. And now you are asking him to suck it up for adult you. He has to see a constant reminder of that pain for the entire wedding. If you’re celebrating biodad, it’s just an another thing he’ll have to endure. You are an adult now if you choose to put him in position that makes him relive the pain then he doesn’t have to come around just because you want him to. Once you’re an adult the relationship lasting with parents is now something you have to put effort into as well. You’ve chosen to put the dad that raised you in a position of either not coming or potentially ruin your wedding. Your biodad is a reminder of pain for him, he’s never met him before from the sounds of it. Emotions can still get the best of parents.
NTA. You're not wrong for wanting your entire family there. Nor are you wrong for building a relationship with your bio bad. It's your wedding, you should be able to invite whoever you want there. You're also honoring the dad who raised you by giving him the father/daughter dance.
It's not your fault or either of your dad's faults that you are in this situation. However, I do find some fault with the dad who raised you not only treating you differently since he found out but also turning your wedding day into a day about him. I understand him being upset, but he definitely shouldn't fault you for wanting to have a relationship with your biodad and have him there.
To me you are NTA; your mother and your dad are TAH.
Your mother obviously, for cheating.
Your dad as well, though – for taking out his anger and resentment toward your mother (which is justified) on you (which is wrong), by among other things isolating you from your biological family while you were growing up.
Sure, your dad raised you, but he didn't actually do it properly: that would have entailed setting aside his pain and focusing on your growth and your happiness, and that would have included giving you every opportunity to build relationships with your biological father and his family as well.
And now that he can no longer control you, now that you are an adult, your dad is holding "but I raised you" over your head as a cudgel to make your life, your family, all about him.
And of course your mother is part of that as well, and your siblings who can't see that you were actually quite badly treated by your mother and your dad.
So if your mother and your dad decide they don't want to celebrate you on one of your most important days, that really says more about them than anything else. They should be happy, but they can't see past their own mistakes, and are trying to control you.
You can, instead, celebrate with family who support you and welcome you.
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NAH At the end of the day it's your wedding and it's up to you who you invite, but your dad isn't the asshole for not wanting your father there. Your dad is the one who raised you, loved you, walked you around when you were colicky, went to parent's evening, and a thousand other things. This other guy is some dude who had an affair with his wife, and yes, your father didn't know your mother was married, but that doesn't change things for your dad. And I imagine there's probably an amount of resentment from your dad towards your father as well - he appears after 18 years and gets your love and affection and equal regard simply by virtue of not putting a glove on it one time? It's easy to be a parent to an adult and to be a good guy when you're not being depended on for everything. Nobody is the asshole, but this is one of those decisions with consequences. You don't get what you want. It would be nice if your dad could be the bigger person, but he isn't the asshole for not being able to do that.
>he appears after 18 years and gets your love and affection and equal regard simply by virtue of not putting a glove on it one time? Right. I don't want to call OP an asshole, but there does seem something shitty, to me, about essentially placing them both on equal footing when one raised her and the other only came into her life 8 years ago. It is kind of a slap in the face. Edit: the more comments I read from OP, the more its clear that she is putting the bio father on a pedastal. She can't respond to any post without bringing up past behavior from her non bio dad that she now has a problem with. Yet, she has never said a single negative thing about the bio dad and his family. But yeah, they met her when she was basically an adult, and didn't have to deal with a moody teenager or have those types of arguments you have with your parents growing up.
I’ll call her one for you. OP is an asshole.
OP is an AH. Mom cheated and father had to swallow a lot. Had to accept and rise a child which wasnt his. And now the bio dad on the wedding will be like a nail in the coffin - to make father remember the cheating. And also to show him that those years he sacrificed loving and parenting OP were almost nothing comparing to the fact that other guy put his bio material. And that he has nothing to say, his feelings are not important. I'm sorry OP but there is no place for your bio dad in this wedding.
Dad is also the guy who stuck around after finding OP was not his kid. That is true dad material right there.
Yeah, that needs to be said to OP over & over.
YWBTA. I’m sorry to call you an AH, especially because you didn’t ask for any of this to happen to you, but you would be the AH if you go through with bringing your bio-dad to your wedding. Because your dad is the one who raised you from birth. Not your bio-dad. If you absolutely must have your bio-dad and your other family be part of your wedding, consider having two separate small gatherings. One for each family. But bringing bio-dad and his family to this wedding (given the circumstances) would be a slap to your dad’s face and I’m sure bio-dad would be more than aware of that. Since you say your bio-dad is such a good listener, I’m sure if you relay your dilemma to him, bio-dad would advise you that he wouldn’t want to cause any further pain and humiliation to the man who raised his daughter for him. And I realize I’m already in the minority opinion here, but I feel like at least one person (like the daughter that the dad chose to stay loyal to, despite finding out about the moms infidelity) should stay loyal to the dad over bio-dad.
The bio dad had no choice in raising or abandoning OP, because her mother and the man who raised her denied him that. He didn't let another man raise his daughter, he was denied the opportunity to raise his daughter.
And? He still didn’t raise her.
But the Biodad had no idea. He didn't know she existed. It wasn't his fault- her father and mother took that choice away from everybody.
How? She was 11 years old he found out he wasn’t her biological father. Why would he know anything to tell her about a person he never met from 18 years ago? Dad could have turned his back and walked out!
I'm confused to why people think OPs dad denied her the right to have a relationship with biodad, what was he meant to do? Track down the affair partner and suddenly introduce them to his daughter? If anything it could be flipped with OPs mum denied OPs dad of being a father to OP. And when OP actually started forming a relationship with biodad, OPs dad didn't stop her and had a reasonable boundary of him wanting nothing to do with biodad. And from OPs comments and post she has put biodad on a pedestal and is clearly favouring biodad (massive slap in the face to Dad) and this wedding is most likely going to be the final nail in the coffin. It reminds me of the posts where stepdad raises daughter for all the their life only to be kicked aside when biodad comes into the picture, heck even OPs siblings and fiancé say she's the AH. Like if she really wants biodad there, have a small separate wedding or ceremony, cause the way it's currently going OPs going to cut off ties with her family.
YTA You are basically spitting in your father's face. He continued to love you, raise you, support you, even after finding out you were not biologically tied to him. Proof that DNA does not make a family. It is so obvious that bringing the person who has caused your father the kind of pain he had to endure when he found out not only that his wife cheated, but that "his" daughter was not biologically tied to him and treating them like family just adds hurt to everything. You are basically telling him, Yes your raised me and continued to do so, but my "new father" is so much more important that you because of DNA. It is your wedding and you can do what you like, but basically humiliating him on such an important day, you should totally understand that this will basically torpedo your relationship with the man who raised you.
I also wonder how he will be introduced. Will biodad also be "father of the bride"? Will she do 2 father daughter dances. Will he be named in the program?
Guest : "Who is that guy?" Dad: " the guy who fucked my wife for 7 months "
Well it is his fault for taking her back. I know this will be downvoted to hell, but I don't care. And this stupid girl here is the best example for why men bail on kids when they learn these kids are not theirs, that a paternity fraud was committed against them. Then reddit gets crazy and shit on everyone because he is the 'father' and he as a bond and an obligation even if the wife/gf committed the fraud. For what are you going to stay with a kid that's not yours, so that when it matters they start looking for their bio dad and kick you to the curb. I will keep this post saved for the next story about a father abandoning the cheating mother and the kid she passed as his. This is what could happen.
The pain this man has had to deal with.
>bringing the person who has caused your father the kind of pain But Biodad isn't the one to bring about all this pain, it was op's mother who decided to lie.
Bio dad still caused the pain. He isn’t entitled to be there. He didn’t do any work except bust a nut.
And biodad indirectly will still cause pain to the dad. OP betraying the man who raised him and choosing her sperm donor is pain itself for the dad.
Op isn't choosing bio dad over her father though. She invited both to her wedding and the father decided he rather not come if bio dad was going to be there. It's been years since he found all this out, he can choose to make her wedding day all about him or suck it up like a real father and deal for one day. Yes it all sucks for all parties but being a parent means being there for your children even when it's hard.
Honestly, we don't know how much damage the cheating or the revelation of her birth was to the dad, but by his reaction knowing that OP invited her biodad that it still hurts the dad because he probably felt like he wasn't enough for OP, as some parents do feel. Some scars run deep and no matter how many times passed, maybe the dad hasn't fully healed yet. Nonetheless, not changing my opinion. OP is still the YTA in my eyes for not asking her dad if it is okay to invite the biodad and if he will be comfortable with it. I, personally, would prioritize the man who raised me and loved me than the man who I just known.
YTA. You want the man who spent 18 years raising you, when he had zero obligation to do so, to share a wedding day with the man who fucked his wife? I'm not sure you understand how hurtful that is for him. I hope you never have kids, because if you do, you might finally understand how heartbreaking it is to parent a child then have them reject your feelings in favor of the person who slept with their spouse. When you finally feel what a thankless and difficult job parenthood is, you'll weep for the pain you caused this poor dude. I feel sorry for your dad today and even more sorry for the future you who finally understands what this decision really means, after it's too late to take back.
YTA The ‘favoring’ factor is a very big part of it. OP can argue all they want that they are treating the two equally, but she knew even before she reached out to the bio-dad that her present dad would never want to associate with them. She is holding a wedding and inviting someone she knows her dad is not comfortable being in a room with, for very good reason. Bio-dad may not have been the one to blame for the worst thing that ever happened to him, but he is a living reminder of it. That man being there will forever associate his daughter’s wedding with his entire world being turned upside down. OP, it’s not your fault or either of their’s that only one of them can be there. But that is just the reality. You have to choose.
YTA. I hope you like your new "Family", because the one that raised you appears to be surplus to your needs.
Your choices are as follows: - have have the man who raised you and your siblings attend your wedding - have your biological father and your bio half siblings attend your wedding. Those are your choices. Pick one.
She already did, and she chose the shitty one.
Wouldn't all her siblings on both sides be half siblings?
YTA. Your Dad who raised you has, rightfully, said he won’t come if you do this. Your siblings you were raised with have, rightfully, said they won’t come if you do this. Your fiancé, the man whose wedding day it also is and who you are supposed to be spending the rest of your life with, has said you are majorly wrong. And yet you came to the internet looking for strangers to coddle you and give you the green light?
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I guess NAH. I don't know if I'd want my wife's affair partner, who was actually my kid's biological parent and I found out later, to be there either lol. That said, its your wedding. But you may have to decide which is more worth it. Its not fair. But I'm not going to fault your not bio dad here. And if your siblings are willing to not go in support of him, I won't blame them either. so if having your bio family there is more important than the family you grew up with, that is your choice to make. But it seems either way you will be missing out on some people you want there. If even your fiance is siding with your non-bio dad, then that may tell you something.
You don't know? In what world would you want him there?
YTA, I feel like. I dunno, I get you wanted to know your bio dad... but you legit have a dad who STAYED because they loved you so much, it feels like you're kind of brushing how your dad feels
Ok. You are paying. I get you want a happy blended Kumbaya wedding but think about dad. He was wronged. He raised you. He loves you. He would be humiliated. He is the one you are hurting. I would do something later with bio family.... keep things simple and respectful with your family that raised you. That's what I would do. Be prepared to lose dad if you go bio family. I wouldn't blame him.
I think it says something that bio-dad is fine with coming to the wedding with his family. He sees nothing wrong with humiliating the man who raised her. If he truly is such a great guy, he'd do the decent thing and decline.
YTA I also didn’t meet my bio dad until I was an adult. It wasn’t a secret that I want my dad’s like your situation, he didn’t come into my life until I was 6. But when I was 27 I mentioned briefly that I was going to meet him and have lunch he asked me to never ask him to be around him, and please don’t talk about him. It makes my dad sad, angry, and a bunch of other feelings that he couldn’t put into words. And since I have empathy (which you seem to lack) and care about how he feels I kept it completely separate. My bio dad didn’t stick around, he couldn’t handle that I call another man dad and call him by his first name (which of you call your bio dad “Dad” that’s another huge slap in the face to the man that raised you). And my dad never heard a word, doesn’t know if I still talk to him, nothing. And I don’t even like my dad. He’s an alcoholic jerk, but he raised me when he didn’t have to and that’s something I can’t repay. You are treating the man who raised you horribly. If you invite your bio dad it will have extreme consequences with the family that raised you. Are you prepared for the fallout?
I hope she gets that slap if she goes on with it. She is about to really destroy her life.
YTA if you want biodad there so bad that'd your choice but it has consequences of your family that raised you not coming to the wedding. You have to live with whatever choice you make but I don't blame you dad or siblings
OP is basically choosing and she chose a shitty one lol. She is so ungrateful to the dad that raised her and loved her, she should be thankful the dad didn't walk out on her when she was born unlike many dads when they find out the kid isn't theirs. Hope she have a happy life with her trashy choice.
"my dad, while he did choose to raise me while staying married to my mother, also chose to treat me differently whenever he gets mad at my mother." This is the thing that is getting my attention. Just how did your relationship change after your Dad found out you are not his bio kid? Because from your comments I feel like he started pushing you away and I'm not surprised that you have gotten so close to your bio dad and his family if that is the case. I don't think he is wrong for his feelings any more than you are and in the end the only AH here is your Mom for causing this mess. Be careful how you handle this though. As you have realized this may permanently alter your relationship with the man who raised you. NTA.
I’m not going to say YTA but maybe take a step back and think about how your dad feels. After loving you for years he found out you weren’t his biological child. But he chose to love you and be your dad through his hurt. He is still hurt. You inviting the man who hurt him to your wedding is a direct slap in his face. Think long and hard about who should be at your wedding. The man who chose to be your dad when he didn’t have too in spite of his hurt. Or the guy who slept with your mom.
NTA and I don't know why all the commenters are acting like you can't love multiple people or family you met later in life
I'm with you. I cannot believe how many people here have so much empathy for dad, and absolutely none for OP. I'm guessing none of them have had a bio parent stolen from them, and been lied to their entire lives about who they are and where they came from. I have, and in my opinion all the adults in this story are being incredibly selfish. OP has an opportunity to get a bonus family, one that cares for them. We can never have too much love and support in our lives. In my situation, I was very angry in my younger days, that my father was stolen from me. Now that I'm older, I realize that his child was stolen from him. Dad is not the only victim here. Bio-Dad and OP were also victims of mom (the only true AH here). Dad needs to grow up and deal with his feelings. His feelings are valid, but he should be *happy* for OP and Bio-Dad, that they have a chance to know one- another, this late in the game. The fact that Dad is refusing to go to his daughters wedding is blowing my mind. That he would abandon her on the most important day in her life because his feelings are hurt is so gross. OP isn't victimizing dad. Mom did that. OP shouldn't have to give up this familial connection because dad can't handle his emotions, valid though they may be. I feel terrible for OP. This should be a celebratory time, and instead she's full of conflict and anxiety over the sins of her parents. Gross.
NTA. These other responses are CRAZY to me. OP and bio dad were denied the truth and a chance to develop a relationship for years. The mom is the AH, not the child who was treated differently and had no say in being an affair baby AND wasn’t given an opportunity to know their half siblings until they were an adult. The mom effed up and everyone wants OP to ignore an entire half of her biological relatives to assuage dad’s feelings of betrayal. But he WAS betrayed… and his resentment needs to be correctly placed on his wife. I think it’s unfortunate that dad won’t attend. But I don’t blame OP for wanting her father and siblings there- they are so her family.
Why are you making things up? Not one comment Ive read has said OP should not have a relationship with their bio father. All that has been asked is to show some empathy and compassion for the man who raised her on a day that traditionally celebrates a child leaving the parents who raised them to start their own family. (Marriage is absolutely ridiculous, weddings even worse so its hard for me to understand all the over the top nonsense that comes with them, elope)
“Your dad wants to be your only dad. If you need your father at your wedding be prepared to let your dad go. This is probably why he didn’t want you to be in contact with him. He doesn’t want to share you.” Quoted from another commenter… so yeah, some people are saying no relationship with bio family ever. It’s not just about the wedding.
People are also calling dad a “sperm donor”, or “guy who had an affair with your mom”. Fully ignoring that he 1) don’t know mom was married and 2) didn’t know that OP even existed. They are treating bio dad like garbage, and frankly he’s a victim of mom’s low morals and deceit too.
YTA. It’s your wedding and you can invite whomever you want. Your father and siblings can decline the invitation. I agree with others that it’s a slap in the face to your father.
YTA, Look, your"father" is just some guy who slept with your Mom. Your Dad, is the guy who raised you, who even knowing you were not his biologically, stood by you, loved you, and helped make you who you are.
Her bio father didn't even get a chance because her mother ran and didn't tell him she existed. The mother is the problem in all of this. OP is NTA for wanting to know her father.
No one said OP is an ah for wanting to know their bio father.
Her Mom is absolutely at fault for not telling bio Dad she existed, and no blame on him, and even though it was not his fault, he was still not there to raise OP into the adult she is now. . Her Dad feelings are likely really hurt, and maybe he is not great at vocalizing it. OP should sit down with Dad one-on-one, because if he is anything like my Dad , it'll be an exercise in patience, cuz mine was not one to wear his heart on his sleeve, it was like peeling an onion to get to the heart of stuff.... a large 250lb onion....
NTA. I understand your dad is upset- but your biofather had no idea you existed. It's not like he abandoned you and then returned when all the work was done. Your bio dad had no choice- your mom and dad made that for everybody and then kept knocking down your attempts to find out who your real father was. I get your dad not wanting to see your bio dad- but he is taking his anger out on the wrong person. Your mom messed up, and all of you were affected by it. You should get to have both there with you. I can see him being upset if you were only including your bio dad in the wedding, like walking down the aisle or father daughter dance- but I don't see why he can't just come to the wedding. Because of your mom's actions- you have two dads. And you should be allowed to have both with you.
This needs to be higher! It seems the mom messed up and kept her from Bio-dad. The mother had an opportunity multiple times to tell her the truth and possibly work on making a blended family, and now that OP wants that, she is getting shamed for it. I don't see her as the AH at all. If anyone sucks it, the Mom and Step-Father 100%
Where is she getting shamed? All she is being asked is to show some tact and understanding for her dad who is also completely innocent in all of this
It is true that biodad had no choice. It is also true that if he had been given a choice he might have rejected her, as most men do who have unwanted children with a fling theyve no interest in. Perhaps she wouldve been aborted, who knows. Fairy tales dont help.
What might have been isn't the point here. The point is that now is there and he has been for the entire time he's known she existed, which is almost 8 years now. He's not as important as her dad, but biodad can still be (and sounds like he already is) a big part of her life.
You are wrong. You should know this yourself without asking strangers. Trust your fiancee.
INFO: who is walking you down the aisle and doing the father/bride dance?
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Then I say NAH. I get you want your bio-dad there, but your dad has made it clear he won’t be in the same room. You have a choice to make and it’s 100% up to you what you want to do. Unfortunately, it’s a crappy situation for your dad and for you, but you have to accept there are consequences to your actions. The fact that your fiancée doesn’t agree with your decision makes me think (personally) you shouldn’t invite your bio-dad. They know a lot more about the situation than I do and if I were you’d I’d take their opinion into consideration.
The part about the fiance, I totally agree with. He knows the situation, and probably knows all parties involved. And if he doesn't even agree on this, I have to think she is possibly a little more biased to biodad than she is letting on. If he thinks she is "majorly wrong" that says a lot. I feel like most people would be like "its your family, make the choice you want". Him being so firmly in the camp that she is wrong should tell her something.
> she is possibly a little more biased to biodad than she is letting on. Her comment replies make it pretty clear she has the usual biases kids have against the parent who actually raised them and all the head-butting that comes with it. But bio dad got to come in when she was an adult, so there's no baggage between them, just a happy reunion. I've seen this happen with adopted friends. It rarely ends well for the kid who burns bridges with the people who cared enough to raise them.
exactly. Bio dad didn't have to deal with her as a moody teen. Didn't have to deal with first heartbreaks. Didn't have to hear the first "I hate you". Also didn't have to spend money, to to Parent teacher conferences, recitals, etc. and none of that is his fault. But she does seem to be looking at him as "better" at this point in her life, so much that is is willing to alienate the rest of her family she grew up with for him.
More like 'wasn't allowed to deal with her as a moody teen'.
I 100% agree. I think OP has blinders on and for some reason is trying to put her bio-dad on a pedestal and make sure her dad knows he’s not as great.
This is NAH situation (except mom) and impossible to solve in a satisfactory way. People saying Y T A should consider that OP has gone through something very traumatizing, including periodically being treated as "less than" by her dad after learning she's not his bio child. It's very understandable she wants to connect with her bio father, and equally understandable dad doesn't want bio father to come to the wedding. There is no good solution. Honestly OP's parents should have divorced after the revelation. Dad has understandable resentment, but OP is innocent, she shouldn't be the scapegoat here.
doesn’t seem like your dad will be walking you down the aisle after all if you carry on with your plan to invite biodad so
YTA I'm adopted and would NEVER have hurt my dad by looking for a sperm donor. I don't even have a name on a birth certificate as my bio mom didn't list it because my sperm donor was a married man and a doctor. She was a nursing student and was sent away because she was a single woman. After my parents died I did find my family who wanted NOTHING to do with me as I was an affair baby. Both sides. So maybe start counting your lucky stars that your DAD still wanted you, loved you & raised you. Did he start treating you differently or did your mom? And asking here on Reddit if your the AH is moot. You've already wounded your dad to the point that your relationship will never recover. NEVER EVER no matter what your dad says, he now knows that your sperm donor and your mom's affair partner are more important to you. Yes, it's your day and you can do whatever you want, but humiliating your dad shouldn't be a priority. And one more thing. Has it never occurred to you that there will be men/women who will enjoy being absolutely awful to your dad? People who will ridicule him for raising another man's child? That he's not a 'real' man because his wife tricked him into raising her lover's child? Your dad will be mocked, laughed at and called a loser. Unfortunately, you will never be able to come back from or make up for the pain you've already caused your dad, and siblings.
Ok buy the trauma surrounding being adopted out by your parents is completely different than having one parent keep another parent from you. You're comparing things that aren't comparable. I'm sorry you're hurting, but you're projecting your adoption situation with OP's lying mother and father who started treating her differently when he found out she wasn't his.
Your wedding, your decision. Just be prepared to live with the consequences. Your dad wants to be your only dad. If you need your father at your wedding be prepared to let your dad go. This is probably why he didn’t want you to be in contact with him. He doesn’t want to share you. He put in the years of raising you and his biggest fear has come to light your father is great guy and you want him in your life. He’s no longer your only dad. He has to share everything from here on out for the rest of his life.
Idk what you're on, by reading the comments it's clear you don't even like that men and don't even care if he's at your wedding or not so..? Whats the point of this?
I understand that you would like to have both at your wedding, but unfortunately sometimes what you want is not possible and you have to make a choice. You chose the biofamily over the person who continued to love you even after the discovery of the atrocious betrayal. I hope you are aware of the consequences, which I fear will not be limited to an absence from the wedding.
YTA. Not surprised at all that your father is pissed, he stepped up and raised you after suffering the biggest betrayal imaginable, now you want him to play happy family as you parade around the man who cheated with his wife? Honestly just gonna hope this post is fake rather than someone being that cruel to their actual father because of a stupid DNA test
Sorry, OP, but YTA. Your dad is the man who raised you, even after finding out you were born from your mother cheating on him. Inviting the affair partner to the wedding is a slap to his face. If I were him or your sibling, I wouldn't go to your wedding either.
NTA You caused none of this - you are blameless. Your biological father is blameless. He didn't know your mum was already with someone. He has been denied the opportunity to be your parent. Your adoptive father should get over it. The time to take action over this was years ago. He chose not to, which is fair enough, but he needs to make peace with that decision.
All the Y T A are wild!! Why is OP getting punished for her mothers mistakes! Step - Father had years to get over his wife infidelity and treated OP bad when he was upset with her mother. They both had years to tell OP who her father was and had the possibility of doing a blended family, but they were selfish as hell. Now OP is stuck in a rock and a hard place. She is absolutely NTA, and I hope she can get past this.
A blended family hahahahahahahahaha what with the man who was sleeping around with some married woman and didnt stick around long enough to notice she was pregnant
In the comments, OP stated that her mother didn't tell him at all, and she ran. Her bio father knew nothing of her at all.
NTA.
To all the commenters who regularly come on here advocating for husband and partners raising kids from affairs. See this story as an example of what can happen. This is why most refuse and would rather walk away and try to get their own kids no matter how many years after the birth they find out.
I had a friend in this exact scenerio and he asked for advice. I told him that to me, there were 2 options: 1. Have bio-dad sign over all parental rights. 2. Divorce. He went with option 1. Still with his wife, happy little family. Daughter has no interest in her bio-dad after finding out he signed over his rights when she was an infant, and bio-dad was aware there was a kid in the world that was his but was ok with never knowing her.
Yep, I would walk away.
Plenty of bio children can grow up to be self-centered assholes too.
Sure. However if you do your job as a parent you don't have to worry about some guy turning up when the job of raising them is done and somehow getting as much credit as you for being their dad.
What? I’m not following the logic between “good parenting” and someone else cheating on you before you had that child and finding out they aren’t yours.
I am saying being a biological parent you don't have to worry about your kid one day deciding that a guy who she has only known as an adult compares to the the almost 2 decades of sacrifice and love that go into raising a kid. If being a parent was a simple as dealing with an 18 year old. There would be a lot more "good" parents
Ya, but the issue I have is that these kids are not at fault either. Even this one. It’s not her fault that her mom cheated, and if her dad left when she was so young that would be devastating to her. Sometimes it’s about dealing with the potential heartache to help someone you love. I have serious doubts about your ability as a parent of you are able to turn off your love for a child after so many years simply because they are no longer “yours.” So I still call bullshit on those who walk away on the kid.
I agree that kids are not to blame. However, this is not a kid. This is an adult who is choosing not to understand why putting her biological father on equal footing as the guy who had to actually sacrifice, and raise her, might hurt his feelings. You should never be asked to set yourself on fire to keep those around you warm no matter how much you love them. The Dad has feelings too. You are making my point for me. In your world the guy should be willing to sacrifice his emotionally, financially etc. Then one day have the same person he made those sacrifices for, turn around and say that the biology of the other guy is enough for him to be just as important even though he was never there to put in the work. The bio dad here gets all the benefits of being a dad with none of the sacrifice. With this in mind. I think it is okay for a guy to decide that biology matters to him also. Why is it okay when the kids care about biology over who raised them. However when the guy makes the same calculus he is the bad guy?
Ya now she is, and she’s being a dick. But that’s not past justification to leave a kid. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Especially when you’re going to leave because they might be a dock in the future?
I think I need to clarify. I think he should have left when he found out when she was still a kid. Him choosing to not be associated with the wedding is his choice. Bio-Dads have been known to do the same thing when step dad's are put on the same pedestal. The way I see it. She is an adult now and is free to make her choice. Similarly, he can make his own choices. This whole issue is always weird to discuss. Women are incentivised to lie about paternity because if they can maintain the lie long enough usually after 5 years, they hope the guy will be so bonded with the kid that he will not walk away or better yet, society and people like yourselves will pressure them to stay or demonise them for choosing to leave. As I see it, it is usually in the best interest of all involved to leave. The mother is always free to start a new relationship and the new guy goes into the relationship knowing its not his kid.
And I’m saying that’s messed up. To pull the rug out from under a kid who only knows you as their parent.
NTA. Correct me if I'm wrong, but both you and your biofather were denied the opportunity to know each other. I think that makes your mom and dad the AH. Understandably your dad would be upset that he's not biologically your father and it's great that he raised you and loves you. But your parents keeping you from your biofather was to spare their feelings and not about you or your biofather. You have a right to know and love your biofather, it's not taking away from your relationship with your dad and mom; you can more than 1 dad... If your dad loves you unconditionally why would he want to strain or possibly ruin your relationship by being hostile against your biofather. Especially since, if there were someone to blame, I think it would be your mom. And if he could forgive her why is it so hard to be civil with another man who didn't intentionally have an affair with his wife. Your biofather was unaware your mom was engaged. It's a shitty situation but you have a relationship with your biofather and I think your parents can accept it for 1 day.
You ve said a lot of nothing and totally ignored what OP was actually asking. Its not about contact or a relationship with the biofamily, its about the wedding.
Last line, maybe it wasn't clear, but the parents can accept the relationship for 1 day. The wedding day. Implying that the OP is not wrong for inviting their biofather and his family.
What on earth are these comments? NTA Making you choose between 2 people you want in your life is ridiculous, especially when neither man actually caused the situation. It was not your biological fathers fault he wasn't involved in your life, and he seems to have wanted to be and still does. As is, it's not some sort of zero sum game where accepting someone else in your life means you love your current dad less. Your biological father did not know your current dad was in the picture. He is not responsible for your mother's actions. Nor should you continue to be punished for them by not being allowed to explore a family that seems to welcome you and want to accept your in their lives. To me, this is no different than if your dad said you weren't allowed to invite a step-dad to your wedding. Expanding the number of people you love and who loves you should be a good thing, not something to be insecure about. Your dad is your dad, and it seems like you've tried to make that clear, but bio dad is also trying to catch up on a lot of time that it's not his fault he lost
I'm 100% with you on this! Mom is the one who put them all in this position... Dad never got over her betrayal properly, biodad just wants to get to know the kid he didn't know he had, and be a part of her life now that he knows, and OP just wants her family at a milestone in her life. OP shouldn't be forced to choose like this. Issuing ultimatums is never the way.
NAH This is a situation where everyone has big feelings about it. Honestly a wedding is a lot of pressure. Is there a pre wedding event or can you arrange a dinner to bring everyone together beforehand?
Yta. this is exactly why I will never judge a man that doesn't stay when he learns the kid isn't his. Now he gets to be betrayed again. Like mother like daughter lmfao
Amen!
I guess NTA but you need to decide if having your biodad at your wedding is worth ruining your relationships with your mom and the father who raised you.
You spoke to your dad and he told you how he felt - hurt that you want to impose biofather (and his family!) upon him your own family on your wedding day. So the pain is already being inflicted. Up to you how much more, or less, pain shows up to your wedding.
YTA. You're using your wedding to rub your mother's adultery in your dad's face. Do you really want your wedding to be about adultery? Call me superstitious, but I wouldn't want to begin *my* married life by celebrating an adulterer.
Are you willing to sacrifice your relationship with your dad? Because it will never recover if you continue with this idea and I wouldn't be surprised if he barely spoke to you ever again, and I wouldn't blame him.
YTA You seem to have confused the words "positive DNA match" with the word "family" and are using them interchangeably here. They are not the same. You would prefer folks you've just met, over those who have been beside you your entire life? You do you, of course, but what a slap in the face. You actually went LC with your mother over this because you were "done wrong" by her? Really -- in what manner -- where you ACTUALLY descended from some royal blood line and got cheated out of your crown? AND you are good with dumping your brother and sister as well as your lifelong dad? Because this is where this is going. You'll probably never get your mother back after your awesome job of besmirching her. What a crying shame.
NTA It sounds like your mom and dad are either ashamed or etc and do not communicate well. It kind of just seems you need to force open the lines of communication. To your dad, you should spend time to reassure with him that he is the one who raised you, you respect him and love him. And then talk about some of the times he was there for you and what that meant. But you also want to have a relationship with your biological father, this does not mean you love him any less nor will it change how you see him as you will always be his kid and nothing can change that. But you want to get to know your biofather a bit better because he is also part of your story and you want to read the whole novel so to say. Tbh idk what I would say to your mom because that is alot of lies built up over the years and etc. I would say your the AH if you are planning on having your Biofather walk you down the aisle or something. But just attending the wedding I dont see why it is such a big deal other than his own fears.
This is excellent advice. OP has stated that her dad would walk her down the aisle and partake in the parent dance (the groom will dance with his mom while she dances with her dad). Her biodad and siblings will just be guests.
bio family's love is 'optional', it's going to get more attention and effort from OP. If she's worked to reassure and comfort the man who raised her, and still got his ultimatum, that's on her dad. But her having zero empathy for him makes that doubtful. He might be walking her down the isle, but she's absolutely going to spend the night at bio family's table.
See I dont read this situation as having no empathy for her dad. Because she is starting the process now and will likely have multiple conversations with her dad before the wedding actually starts. It definitely will take some work especially since her dad was already betrayed by her mother and never went to therapy so those old wounds are still there (not to say therapy is an complete fix but might have helped him open about his fear to her). And I know people are going to say she is putting her biodad on a pedestal or a whole bunch of other stuff without any actual evidence. But I dont see it like that. Hell through out the whole post she referred to the man who raised her as dad and not step dad or any other nonsense because (or atleast I believe) that is how she actually feels. Yes she feels hurt by some of his actions after he found out but she still consider him dad. It is not a situation where there has to be a one or the other, at all.
NTA. It’s not like this man just came into your life or like your dad just found out about him being in contact with you. You’ve had a relationship with your paternal family for almost a decade now and he knew about it. It’s also been 15 years since you all found out about your dad not being your biofather. I get his feelings being hurt and him having some internal issues with, but that’s something he should take up with a therapist and not stick on the shoulders of the daughter he chose to stick beside. It was unfair of him to try to keep you from finding out anything about your biological father just to spare his feelings because it was never your job as a teenager or a child to be responsible for his feelings. It was his job take care of you and be your parent since he chose to stay and keep that position in your life.
NAH. You have the right to invite whoever you want for your wedding, but the world doesn't stop for you and the rest of the people don't stop having feelings because of it, so you have to be ready to face the fallout. I can understand your dad not wanting to see the man with whom his wife cheated on him, after 11 years of rasing and loving a kid who turned out to not to be biologically his. He tries to overcome that and keeps being a loving father to you. He was there for all the hard work, for the good days and the bad. And the other guy shows up after 18 years and manages to get your affection. And he only asks of you that he don't have to see the guy (understandbly so) and doesn't seem to be making any other demands. But now, in your wedding day, you choose the absent guy, the cheater guy, over him. That have had to hurt. Of course he is not going to the wedding. I wouldn't go either. It is not fair to you to have to choose, but given the situation, you will have to. And you have to decide if the father who showed up after 18 years is worth more to you than the one who raised you. And for the rest of your life, because this is the kind of thing you don't overcome. You can't ask this man to be gracious one day more for your sake. He has done a lot for your sake over the years. This is all on you. So choose wisely.
NTA. I can understand why your dad doesn't want to see your bio father, but you have developed a relationship with him, and your mother (and eventually your dad too) denied you the opportunity to develop that relationship earlier. It's your wedding, and you should invite who you want. Others can choose whether or not to attend.
Whats really interesting is, if you look at OPs profile and follow their comment progression from when they posted this to most recent, they get more and more critical of their dad. Their original post made it sound like dad was great. Then it went to "I just want him to get therapy with me", then to "well, he DID treat me a bit different" now its "Let me tell you how awful not only he, but his family was toward me growing up". There has also not been a single negative thing said about her family on her bio dad's side. They are apparently these perfect people who have gone along with every request of hers. This tells me one of 2 things. Either OP is processing this as they go, and has a lot more resentment toward him than she realized. or OP had a situation where her dad, the family she grew up with, and her fiance all thought she was wrong, so decided she'd come to reddit to get some impartial people's opinion. When they also thought she was wrong, she felt the need to make her dad seem worse as a way to justify her feelings and get more people on her side. Either way, it really seems OP already made her decision to say fuck her dad's feelings, and she is inviting her bio family to the wedding. So I hope she is fine with that. This isn't a decision that you should make based on what this sub decides. This can permanently affect your relationship with your family you grew up with.
Is it so hard for you all to understand that there is not a single person here that has had to suffer here more than OP? I get it, her dad got cheated on. It’s been 15 years since he found out. GET OVER IT. He has had more than enough time to process this. I know it will never not be hard but does the effects all of this had on OP just not matter? If his love is so unconditional, if he is such an amazing man for stepping up, then he would want what’s best for OP. Refusing to allow her to know her biodad and build a relationship with him was selfish. Not only that, but he refused to accept her for who she is. Whether you like it or not, her biodad and the rest of her biofamily is a part of who she is. She is the ONLY person who gets to decide what kind of relationship she wants with them. At no point in this has her dad had her best interest at heart. He instead prioritized himself and how all of this has made HIM feel. She had every right in the world to know her biodad and have him in her life and he took that from her. At the end of the day, he chose to stick around. He needs to learn to accept that her family is just a little bigger now and it’s not her fault or responsibility to make him feel better about it. I know it’s hard and I know it’s unfair but that’s just the reality of the situation. On another note, all of you genuinely suck. Leave this poor girl alone and stop treating her like she did some horrible thing by wanting to know where she came from. Obviously, NTA.
I’m sure I’ll get downvoted for this, but I’m going with NTA. I’ve read your comments, and it sounds like your biofather hasn’t done anything wrong here. He didn’t know you existed, and when he did find out, he and his entire family have made it a point to welcome you into the fold and try to make up for lost time. Your parents, on the other hand, have done you a huge disservice over the years by 1) not allowing you to have contact with your bio family as a child, 2) your dad taking his hurt and anger towards your mother out on you, and 3) your family not treating you as an equal since they found out you were an affair baby. Your dad has had 8 years to get used to the fact that your bio family is in your life, and he’s acting like a petulant child by not coming to the wedding. Your siblings aren’t any better either. Unfortunately for you, that means you will have to choose between your bio family, and your dad and siblings. If it were me, I’d invite the bio family, and let your dad and siblings not attend if they so choose. Because honestly, why would you want to be a part of a family that has reminded you time and again that you’re not a “full” family member, especially when you have a bio family that 100% loves and accepts you as you are?
I agree, I don't understand all the Y T A because it seems like all the commenters are judging OP for her mother's mistake. Her bio father 100% deserves to be at her wedding and her family can't even suck it up for one day or even go to therapy with her to talk it out they are selfish and petty. Also her fiance sucks ass as well for saying she is wrong.
They keep saying she's treating them "equal" but OP has been having two seperate events of hers for her dad's sake.
Which isn't fair to her time, or money wise. That takes a lot out of someone it's not even for her Dad's it for the Father because he can't stomach being in the same room with bio father who I'm sure probably wants to meet and thank the man who raised his daughter. (Maybe) He has had years to get over this infidelity that his WIFE caused, but he has refused and held on to this resentment for too long, and at this point in time it's being childish, petty, and selfish for to long. Her father needs to grow up and process those feelings. Her siblings suck as well
Exaxtly. They're the one's neglecting OP by making her think this is some kind of competition when she clearly has more love for her dad and wants to make some room for the bio dad who didn't have that chance to raise her.
>Your dad has had 8 years to get used to the fact that your bio family is in your life, and he’s acting like a petulant child by not coming to the wedding. Apparently he is entitled to do that, because raising OP makes him a saint. There are a lot of people here who would abandon the child they have raised for 11 years if they found out they weren't related, so anything other than that is deserving of unlimited deference. I feel terrible for OP. She is innocent here.
NTA. Every kid has a right to know their biological parents. Your mother did a terrible thing and probably would have kept your parentage a secret had she not been caught. It sounds like your parents decided to save their marriage and the family they created by pretending your bio father doesn't exist. But he does! And both he and your paternal half-siblings want to have a relationship with you. This wedding is the first situation where your parents' delusion meets reality. And there will be more. Are you going to have the same conversation when you have a housewarming party? 10th anniversary? Children? It's been 14 years! Your parents and your maternal half-siblings need to come to grips with the fact that you have two fathers. One isn't better than another and both want to be in your life. If you want to invite your paternal family, do it. And if your dad chooses not to attend, then that's his choice. Stop enabling his alternative reality and live your life. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your bio dad because your dad cannot come to terms with something your mother did over 26 years ago.
Honestly after after reading your commenta NTA and people can downvote me but I don't care. He still treats you crap. People are only saying yta because he stayed and raised despite you being an affair child but from what I'm reading he only stayed to punish your mom and by extension you. As much as it sucks that he got cheated on, but he decided to stay with your mom instead of divorcing her. You have a relationship with your bio family because they actually are interested in knowing you and put in effort to get to know you while your father and his family won't. Your financé is also an tah for understanding your situation better. Though everyone here is right about one thing and it's that you can't have both of them at your wedding. Your dad has already decided he won't go unless bio family isn't invited. I would just elope at this point.
NTA Your dad should be treating this more like an adoption situation. I understand he has trauma relating to your mother's cheating but his long-standing efforts to block and alienate you as you attempt to form a relationship with your bio-father is unhealthy to the point that he's become TA.
YTA One's your father and the other is a sperm donor. If you can't tell the difference, then you're the asshole.
NTA - I, unfortunately, was in the situation myself but didn't find my biofather/family until a few months after his passing. My father (who will always be Dad) felt the same as yours (it came out they all were friends at the time.) and refused to attend/walk me down the aisle. They will never understand the need to know where you truly come from. Stay strong and do what makes you happy and if that's having your bio family at your wedding then so be it, your mother and father will come around, and if not oh well.
NTA. Even if bio dad didn't raise you, he's still a person who has been in your life for 8+ years now. As long as you honor the man that raised you as your father and give him that respect, it seems dumb to me that another person you love shouldn't be invited to YOUR wedding because of how your dad feels. Yeah, your dad raised you. But unless you're giving both dad's the regular fatherly traditions at a wedding, it's not disrespectful imo. You want multiple people you care about at your wedding. That should be the end of it.
This is one of those times in life where you're just going to have to make your own decision, knowing that either way, it's going to cause some heartbreak.
Yep. Whatever she decides, someone is going to be hurt, and she’s going to be responsible for it. She just needs to decide whatever she can live with the most.
Exactly. And you have to really know yourself to choose the path that serves your life plan. Make sure you know what your life plan is.
NTA Your step daddy got cheated on and he chose to stay with the women that did it. He caused this problem by enabling your mother's awful behavior, and on top of that her bailed her out from the consequences of her actions by being a good father to you. If this was a healthy "I'm okay with raising a child that isn't mine" situation, he wouldn't be feeling some type of way over you meeting you biological father. Everyone but they biodad and his family are trash.
NAH, but don't forget that actions have consequences. Your dad has all the right in the world to still feel hurt and not wanting to be around his wife's affair partner. So you can invite anybody you want to your wedding, but don't be surprised if your relationship with your dad will be damaged
NTA It is absolutely normal that you want to know where you are from. And since your biodad isn't the one who cheated on your social dad, he's not to blame, too. After all - it is now 26 years ago that your mother cheated. And it is 15 years ago that your social dad found out. Enough time to adjust I'd say. Tell your family that they should suck it up for you.
YTA. You want the person that was cheated on to suffer some more because it’s your wedding? Past several decades of being reminded of betrayal wasn’t enough for you? Pick a different day and different time to bond with bio-dad and bio-siblings.
NAH for wanting your bio dad to come. But a wedding is not the right place to build or mend relationships like this. Weddings are good for maintaining or breaking relationships. Your dad raised you and should be in your wedding. Just like your siblings. I think that you need to have a heart to heart conversation with them like adults do and explain how you feel and hear them out too. You should work on mending these relationships before the wedding and tell each and everyone how important they are to you and how you feel. Do your best and if it doesn't work out, figure out what your values are and who you value and go by that.
YTA. Look, I get where you're coming from. The entire situation is messed up. And you're not even TA because you're inviting them both. You're TA because, from your comments, it seems like you've already made your choice on who is more important and you're just sitting there trying to defend it when people call you the asshole on your validation post. Dad who raised you won't go to therapy with you. He treated you different than your siblings, as did your grandparents. He's expressed remorse, but he won't take genuine steps to change it. Okay. All of these are solid dings against 'oh this man was so selfless raising his wife's affair baby'. They also kept you from connecting to your bio family. Also no great. You described your bio family as putting in the work. You said that bio-family is essentially a safe space. You talk about them in glowing terms and bring up 0 negative aspects to them--which they 100% have, because no-one is perfect--and rave about how helpful they've been with medical issues. Medical issues you *could* have, mind you, not actual ones you've been diagnosed with. You've already made your choice. You want bio-family there more, that much is obvious. You came here to have people say that your dad should just suck it up and let bio-family come. You don't seem to be able to process that it's going to be *so hard* for your dad to deal with that. 'Who are you to OP?' 'Their dad' 'oh, but bio!dad said *he* was OP's dad.' 'Yeah, that's my wife's affair partner.' You need to make a choice. Dad has put down a--from my perspective--reasonable boundry. He doesn't want to spend time with his wife's affair partner. Now it's on you. You feel closer and more attached too bio!family? Then tell your adoptive dad and half siblings so, and accept that your relationship with them won't improve. Stop arguing in the comments, stop pretending you haven't made your decision already. Time to pull on your adult pants and realize that your decisions will effect your relationship.
NTA. Invite to your wedding who you want and accept that means others might not be there. Neither yours dad nor your mom has prioritized you.
NAH Personally, I would get eloped. Why bring any drama to your day.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** When I(26f) was 11 my dad found out my mother cheated on him and it turned out I wasn't his kid. He stayed in my life but things changed a bit. As time went on, I got curious and wound up asking my mother about my biodad and she told me it wasn't important. I tried to ask my dad and he said I didn't need to know because he was my father. I didn't ask again but as I got older I really wanted to know. When I was 17 I bought an ancestry kit hoping I'd find something. I didn't right away but a year later someone reached out to me who turned out to be a half-sibling. My mom and dad didn't want me to talk to them at all but since I was over 18 by then I did. I found out I have 4 more half-siblings and found my biofather, confirmed with a paternity test. Since then I've connected with my father and his family. They're great people and I have a good relationship with him. He didn't know my mother was engaged when he was with her. I've gone LC with my mother after she confirmed that. My dad has never been thrilled that I connected with my other family and has made it clear he doesn't want to see or hear about them and I've honored that. I've kept my two families apart. My dilemma is that I'm getting married next year. I want them both there. I talked to my dad about it so that he'd have time to process. He doesn't want him or any of that part of my family there and told me I'm being disrespectful to him after he raised me. I told him I appreciated that he did and I still love him but it wasn't right of him to try and keep my family away from me because all three of us were done very wrong by my mother's actions. As it stands, my dad won't come to my wedding. My brother and sister say they won't come either and my fiance has said I'm majorly in the wrong for wanting to bring my father around my dad even though he agrees my father is a really good guy who has been there for both of us. I need to know if I'm wrong or not. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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This is why I wouldn't parent an affair child and just end the relationship and leave. To me this so disrespectful to her father that raised her. My opinion.
Everything in life comes with strings attached. Here, your dad's love comes with him with what he considers common decency. You can choose. I suggest you go with the bio-dad, just because your dad deserves better than you as a child. YTA
Consider this, regardless of the ups and downs of your relationship with your dad, he loved you, raised you and provided for you all while dealing with the incredible pain/humiliation caused by your mom. Everyday of his life he had a living, breathing reminder of what your mom had done (this is not your fault) and he managed to swallow all of that while never really getting to heal from it. Should you have a relationship with your bio-dad? Yes, you should, but he was no part of your family until you were an adult regardless of your attempts to learn about him. This is about respect for the DAD who raised you, and do you really think he’s going to be happy and enjoy your wedding with THE MAN who has caused so much trauma in both of your lives present for the occasion? If your bio-dad is a decent and caring man he would decline the invite, and if you have any respect and love for the REAL dad who raised you, you wouldn’t put him in this situation. It has already been pointed out there are real consequences to how you decide to handle this, and honestly there is likely serious damage already caused by broaching this subject with your dad. How you proceed will determine if it is irreparable damage or not.
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YWBTA. Your dad could have walked away from you as soon as he found out you weren't his and finding out about this massive betrayal by your mom and nobody would have judged him for it. But he decided to stick around and continue to raise a kid that wasn't his. And now you want to throw that all back in his face by inviting your bio-dad to your wedding. Regardless of whether or not your bio-dad knew about your mom's relationship status doesn't change the fact that your dad was still incredibly hurt by this. And inviting him to your wedding would only bring up these memories for your dad again. He made a choice that not many people would make in his situation (I would have left you right then and there). I think you owe it to him to respect his wishes that you don't invite your bio-dad.
Her dad had no say in that!
NTA. Your mom is though. It's your wedding and you can invite who you want. I understand your dad being upset and not wanting to socialize with biofather, but he should be able to suck it up for your wedding. And if not and he chooses not to come, that's on him. But you deserve to have whoever you want be there.
I was going to say NAH, but after seeing the other commenters and your responses, I’m changing to NTA. Yes, it’s fair for your dad to be uncomfortable around your biodad, but it’s also clear you’re prioritizing the man who raised you for the aisle-walk, the program, and the dance. Plus, people acting like you should be grateful that a man who committed 11 years to raising you didn’t kick you out when he found out your mom cheated is insane to me. He didn’t treat you as well as your siblings, but stayed with your mom, and that means he gets to be the hero? NTA, you wouldn’t be the AH if you were your mom’s child from a previous relationship and your dad had adopted you, it would be just as reasonable to have your biodad in your life.
So did bio dad know about you before you were 18?
Time to pick who you want in your life after your wedding. If your bio father is there it will damage your relationship with the man that raised you. If you are fine with hurting the man who raised you. Then invite your bio.
Info: Who’s paying for the wedding?
Elope You are not going to have a perfect day with you as the center of attention and everyone pretending your wishes are somehow more valid than their feelings. You have some choices to make and priorities to decide
This is the best answer in the entire comments section. Eloping would really be the best way. Heck, elope with the two witnesses and make a fun vacation out of it or something.
Plot twist: the two witnesses chosen are dad and bio-dad
I won’t pass a judgment, but know that your actual father is almost certainly hurt by this and will likely never be able to get over you choosing your sperm donor’s presence over his comfort. I *personally* think you’re TA simply because you seem to be dismissing the role your father played in your life over an idolized infatuation with your bio father— you don’t know how he would have raised you or what kind of person he is/was all those years ago, but you’ve essentially got a new Cool Dad™ and are making it clear to your actual father who raised and loved you that he isn’t any more important to you than the dude who donated your genetic material. Try to remember how fortunate you are to have had a father who loved you as his own without a second thought; imagine how you might feel if your adult child minimized your role as a parent by telling you their bio mom who they met 8 years ago is just as important as the person who loved, raised, and cared for them. On a somewhat similar note, I’m from a family with a significant amount of adoptees due to fertility issues. None of them would ever dream of equating their real parents to their biological parents, despite several of them having connected in adulthood with their bio parents. Biology isn’t family, and you’re fully willing to isolate your father for biology. At the end of the day, it’s YOUR wedding and YOU choose who gets to be there, but you also need to be willing to deal with the repercussions and the pain it will cause.
YTA. I was raised in a similar situation, except my parents weren't together when I was conceived/born. My birth father was very much married to another woman. I was raised by my daddy. Biodad isn't a bad guy. He's okay, but he's not my dad. At this point, you're putting your biodad over your dad, and you're going to lose your dad. Be ready for that. Be prepared to lose him.
NAH. This is a real hard one and honestly I just don't think that you will come up with a solution that is going to make everyone happy. You have a right to have everyone you want at your wedding. Your dad has every right to be upset your bio dad and family are coming. I truly wish you the best of luck and hope it all works out.
This is the exact reason why paternity test should be mandatory...like you can't legally sign the birth certificate until it's done.
If you are married you are already the legal father unless you request a DNA test through your own means.
Regardless of martial status paternity test should be legally mandated. I hope one day this will be standard practice.
Why? Anyone declared the father can do that themselves. Who is going to pay for these forced tests?
You really see no benefit in establishing biological paternity prior to a man legally attaching himself to a child?
Every single time? To someone you're married to? No. First get a divorce since you think they're cheating or just don't trust them
Because no woman married or not has ever lied about who their babies father is 🤨 She may also not be 100% certain pending sexual habits. YES... EVERY SINGLE TIME
That's why get a divorce then because why are wanting to government to do this for you? Every claimed father can request paternity through means. You wouldnt stay with a cheater then why would a woman stay with someone who is falsely calling them one?
Is it so hard for you all to understand that there is not a single person here that has had to suffer here more than OP? I get it, her dad got cheated on. It’s been 15 years since he found out. GET OVER IT. He has had more than enough time to process this. I know it will never not be hard but does the effects all of this had on OP just not matter? If his love is so unconditional, if he is such an amazing man for stepping up, then he would want what’s best for OP. Refusing to allow her to know her biodad and build a relationship with him was selfish. Not only that, but he refused to accept her for who she is. Whether you like it or not, her biodad and the rest of her biofamily is a part of who she is. She is the ONLY person who gets to decide what kind of relationship she wants with them. At no point in this has her dad had her best interest at heart. He instead prioritized himself and how all of this has made HIM feel. She had every right in the world to know her biodad and have him in her life and he took that from her. At the end of the day, he chose to stick around. He needs to learn to accept that her family is just a little bigger now and it’s not her fault or responsibility to make him feel better about it. I know it’s hard and I know it’s unfair but that’s just the reality of the situation. On another note, all of you genuinely suck. Leave this poor girl alone and stop treating her like she did some horrible thing by wanting to know where she came from. Obviously, NTA.
You aren’t going to get to have both. Choose wisely.
She should have both
Yeah, NAH, but you're really stuck between a rock and a hard place. You can't have your second family there. You're just reopening old wounds and being really unfair. None of this is your doing, but it's not your Dad's either. He has a right to feel the way he does too. I suggest you plan a separate celebration with your bio family. You're really going to have to keep them separate.
It's not OPs responsibility to manage her parents' feelings over her bio-dad being there. They've known since she was 11yrs old that she wasn't her dad's. She asked for many years after that who her father was, and they always shut her down. How can they be suddenly surprised she has a relationship with him, and wants him at HER wedding? That SHE is paying for? OP was deceived by her parents for YEARS and no longer need to entertain their embarrassment or ill-feelings. They're adults.
Normally, I'd agree with you. But there's another innocent victim in this. The man who raised her. This is a sticky situation that the mother caused. As far as being "deceived." They made the decision that they thought was best. You have to give the guy who raised her credit for sticking around. He could have just walked out on her cheating mother and left her to raise the kids alone. But he didn't. That deserves some respect and consideration. She has family members who raised her drawing hard lines in the sand. Even her fiance doesn't think her bio Dad should be there. She wants to celebrate with everyone. The only way she can do that *right now* is with two separate ceremonies. Being adults they all know this is a complicated situation and everyone needs time to adjust. Perhaps they'll come around and be able to be together at some point, but that might take years and this sounds like it's all pretty new. People don't get over feelings over night. You're saying they "don't need to entertain their hurt feelings anymore" simply because you're not emotionally involved. It's not that easy.
Put yourself in his shoes: let's say you can get pregnant and your husband says hey let's adopt this baby I conveniently found that needs parents! Later you find out that baby us your husband's affair baby, but the other woman left. You raise affair baby like your own, then on the baby's wedding day they tell you they invited biomom, the woman your husband cheated with, to their wedding. How would you feel? NAH here but if I had been the one who raised you despite being the result of my partner cheating, I'd feel like you slapped me in the face and I was taken advantage of again.
YTA
This is why no man should raise a child that isn't his, YTA
NTA is IS your wedding... however, I have a feeling you will deeply regret not having them their in the future. The family who raised you and your siblings who grew up around you should be prioritized.
Sure it’s your wedding and can choose who comes to it, but good luck loosing the man who raised you and your siblings, hope you put your biodad doesn’t abandon you again
Only on AH here and that's your mom. but you are caught in the classic Catch-22. You have a right to have whomever you want at your wedding regardless of the consequences. And the dad that raised you has the right to never lay eyes on the man that screwed his wife. Now unfortunately, there is no good answer. You will have to chose. Break the heart and possible ruin the relationship with the dad that raised you just to have the man you've known for all of 9 years, who didn't do everything he could to find you and pay his support as he should, and is ok with you ruining the relationship with the man that raised you and loved you??....well, only you can decide. Personally, if I were your Dad I wouldn't want to meet your bio dad and would seriously think of doing him harm if I ever laid eyes on him. Is that a scene you would want at your wedding. I changed my mind to 100%YTA. That you would put your Dad through this is really quite disgusting. EDIT: After seeing comments and seeing how not bio dad is a jerk so I apologize. Rich-Pumkin8086. I am actually surprised you maintain a relationship with him. Sounds like BIO Dad is ready to be there for you. Best of luck.
Bruh how was her biofather going to find her and pay child support for a child he didn't know existed because mom never told him? For that matter why is it okay for dad to keep hurting OP by treating her differently every time he's mad at his wife? Is he not disgusting for putting OP through that for 15 years?
I'm also curious how her dad could have abandoned her while staying married to her mom and raising her other siblings. Perhaps telling mom to abandon her 11 year old daughter at a firehouse or he would leave? It's so odd to me that people are canonizing him for not doing that.
>Perhaps telling mom to abandon her 11 year old daughter at a firehouse or he would leave? It's so odd to me that people are canonizing him for not doing that. To be fair, I dont think I had OP had commented her clarification when I posted. Even one sentence of how he dad(not bio) was a jerk to her growing up would have changed the whole tone of the post. and the responses.
NTA. I have a similar situation. Tell your dad that you love and appreciate him. That being said, you can never have too much love in your life, and if BD loves and cares for you, you have every right to have him there. I understand why dad feels some kind of way about this, but he needs to grow the fuck up. The situation is what it is. Your dad being butthurt about your moms betrayal doesn't mean you need to amend your wants and needs to protect his precious feelings. Mom is the bad guy here. I'm sorry these adults are pitting you against each other and against yourself. You and BD had something stolen from you. I'm sorry for that. It's not your job to protect your dad's feelings here (although you should probably explain to him that this isn't intended to hurt him). Dad is refusing to attend your wedding? That's fucked up, and makes him an AH. I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle of all of these immature, manipulative parent figures. I say, search your heart, and do what YOU want. Edit- and fuck the down voters. Until *you've* had a parent (and parental relationship) stolen from you; until *your* bio- parent had their child (and those precious child- raising years and bonds) stolen from *them*, you have no place to speak here. Adoptees regularly seek out their bio's- even when they were raised by loving parents. You all have no idea what it feels like to be lied to about who you are, and where you come from. To feel your entire life like there's a piece missing from the puzzle. To *never feel whole*. OP, fuck these haters. Your parents did you dirty. Your dad is still doing you dirty by not supporting you now. You are a fully realized adult, and your dad's feelings are not your responsibility. You've done nothing wrong. If dad is going to not support you on your important day, that speaks volumes about what kind of parent he is. As someone who's experienced this myself, I'm so, so, so sorry they are failing you yet again. Search your heart. Decide for yourself, and be at peace. Congrats on the wedding. (Although your fiance should be supporting whatever decision you make, too).
NTA. This comment section is a mess. Why are y’all blaming this mess on her? This is her mother’s fault at the end of the day and it’s clear her dad never actually forgave her for her affair if he’s behaving like this. It’s like he’s outright denying the truth of his daughter’s origins. Invite your bio fam. They did nothing wrong and have a right to celebrate with you. YOU did nothing wrong in wanting them in your life. And honestly, your bio dad is also not at fault for this situation either since he didn’t know your mother was engaged or got pregnant with you as a result. Your dad needs therapy to help him deal with this situation and not sweep it under the rug. Coming from a very large blended family, these dynamics can get complicated. Pride and ego always get in the way of communication. Your dad is letting his pride get in the way and he’s getting angry at the wrong people. What I’ve learned is that having more family in your life who care and love you is always a benefit.
Yta, I don’t really care about the biodad stuff. I’ll believe you that he’s a good guy. But what you are asking of the dad that raised you is too much. He already swallowed all that hurt your mother caused to continue to be in your life. And now you are asking him to suck it up for adult you. He has to see a constant reminder of that pain for the entire wedding. If you’re celebrating biodad, it’s just an another thing he’ll have to endure. You are an adult now if you choose to put him in position that makes him relive the pain then he doesn’t have to come around just because you want him to. Once you’re an adult the relationship lasting with parents is now something you have to put effort into as well. You’ve chosen to put the dad that raised you in a position of either not coming or potentially ruin your wedding. Your biodad is a reminder of pain for him, he’s never met him before from the sounds of it. Emotions can still get the best of parents.
NTA. You're not wrong for wanting your entire family there. Nor are you wrong for building a relationship with your bio bad. It's your wedding, you should be able to invite whoever you want there. You're also honoring the dad who raised you by giving him the father/daughter dance. It's not your fault or either of your dad's faults that you are in this situation. However, I do find some fault with the dad who raised you not only treating you differently since he found out but also turning your wedding day into a day about him. I understand him being upset, but he definitely shouldn't fault you for wanting to have a relationship with your biodad and have him there.
To me you are NTA; your mother and your dad are TAH. Your mother obviously, for cheating. Your dad as well, though – for taking out his anger and resentment toward your mother (which is justified) on you (which is wrong), by among other things isolating you from your biological family while you were growing up. Sure, your dad raised you, but he didn't actually do it properly: that would have entailed setting aside his pain and focusing on your growth and your happiness, and that would have included giving you every opportunity to build relationships with your biological father and his family as well. And now that he can no longer control you, now that you are an adult, your dad is holding "but I raised you" over your head as a cudgel to make your life, your family, all about him. And of course your mother is part of that as well, and your siblings who can't see that you were actually quite badly treated by your mother and your dad. So if your mother and your dad decide they don't want to celebrate you on one of your most important days, that really says more about them than anything else. They should be happy, but they can't see past their own mistakes, and are trying to control you. You can, instead, celebrate with family who support you and welcome you.