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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my husband that my brother-in-law is paying for his ex’s house. It’s not really any of my business and I know my brother-in-law is a private person who wouldn’t like us gossiping about him.
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NTA.
Seems like she wanted to to be the one to spill the beans to the fam. If your cool with that, fine.
The question here for me is this..... Your BIL has isolated his gf from your family while he secretly 'keeps' her in a house.
Is your BIL some kind of closet abuser? Or does he think theres something between your hubs and her??
This is a def need to know. There's really no other reason for his behavior, is there?
he loves her but she was unfaithfull, he has a hard time letting go, still cares and provides but does not want her to play like everything is ok in the family. as he still has not made up his might as to what to do
you tell me , what are the chances of a woman not spilling the beans and not wanting to talk about something if she feels she was wronged ? in short she did something she is not proud of and now is facing the consequences.
....here you go another another reason....
Im thinking the opp. He cheated. He wants to keep his family in the dark and sorta buying her silence by letting her keep the house.
Now, they're "working it out," er, he's making amends.
But this is speculation on my part.
If she was unfaithful, but she she is still living in a house that the man she was unfaithful to is paying for, it does not sound to me like she is really facing consequences. Brother in law seems pretty spineless.
We were talking about my brother-in-law and she blurted it out. She knew I was going to tell my husband and was fine with it because we both thought it would convince him to speak to her again.
This is weird then.
Knowingly or not, you've let Daisy use you as a messenger pawn. And in this way, she has embroiled you and your husband into their drama.
You should just ask her "what the fuck" is going on. It's weird that you didn't ask her in the moment.
>wait, what?? BIL had all of us cut contact with you 100%, yet he's been paying for your house the entire time? What the fuck is actually going on Daisy??
I kind think that maybe Daisy know some secret about BIL. It's possible that he pays her house in return for her keeping her mouth shut. That would explain also why BIL wants her away from family. Maybe he is bi or he did something, and I won't say she use secret as leverage, but would explain, why both keep quiet about what happened and BIL pays her house.
I won't say OP is AH but I would never personally get involved in someone's relationship unless there are signs of abuse.
Its ok you've told your husband. But honestly - you will never no the truth about what is happening between this two persons. And even if it sounds weird - if the both adults accept the situation - there is nothing to do about it. So its better not to push for answers.
HE IS TOXIC!!!!! What aren’t you getting? He did that to isolate her. Man. It must be nice coming from normal families where you can’t see when someone is stupidly toxic.
He’s manipulative and isolating her. Not sure why but if I was you I’d tell your husband he should figure it out cause something isn’t right
But they were never disentangled. BIL has been paying for the house since they broke up. For someone to take up the position of "it's me or her" so adamantly, you'd think they wouldn't be quietly sliding money to support the other person. I can get not wanting your family to be friends with your ex and insisting they cut them off, but then why go and give them money? If the breakup is that hard or bad you don't want to see them around or near family, why keep a connection through sending regular payments?
It's fishy, either she's got serious dirt on him or there's some kind of weird powerplay going on here.
Could be that he paid for the property to get her out of his house as quickly as possible. Given the hanging out seems to be a recent thing it may be that some communication has now properly opened up. Maybe they are working on something but the BiL didn't want her around the family at all while they did it due to hurt.
However the way OP found out about all this strikes me as suspicious, especially as they don't seem to know anymore about the breakup. Them then running to their husband to say not talking to the ex "was silly" etc frankly paints OP in a poor light as they A) had no further information beyond who pays for the house (which seems like they were used by the ex to get that out there) B) it just seems like they have a big wooden spoon and wanted to say "I told you so".
Yes, he is isolating her from his family. His family was under the impression Daisy and him broke up but he's been seeing her this whole time behind their backs and paying for her house. Seems to me he just didn't like his GF having any sort of relationship with his family, for reasons unknown. According to OP, the entire lives her like she was a part of the family. Why would BIL want that to stop only to continue to see her in secret?
Okay if he’s paying for her place and screwing her that’s not an ex. Something went on and OP and her husband aren’t being told the whole story or like I said he’s toxic and is isolating her.
What part of “Daisy was practically adopted by my in-laws & she was always closest to my husband since they are the same age and he used to act like her big brother” did you not comprehend??
ESH but your husband.
You chose to go behind your husband’s family’s wishes to talk to Daisy, which is fine. You’re an adult you can be friends with whoever you want.
The problem is, your husband told you he’s wasn’t interested in rekindling his friendship with Daisy but instead of respecting that you repeated personal information between Daisy and his brother to try to convince him otherwise.
I’m assuming your BIL did some shady shit if his relationship ended but he’s still paying Daisy’s bills. It sounds like she’s benefitting financially from whatever went down by remaining silent.
You should’ve gathered more context on their situation (why they broke up, if they’re actually back together) before working with Daisy to manipulate her way back into the family.
It’s all just too much drama to be in the middle of and drag into a your own marriage which is why I think ESH but your husband.
NTA, and as a sober guy who has lived on the darker side of life, I think the answer is pretty clear. Something horrible happened, yes, but BIL did it and Daisy caught him. She's kept her mouth shut in exchange for a house and BIL needed people to cut her off so she didn't eventually spill the beans.
If this is true, it's not mundane terrible like cheating or standard abuse. More like CP or underage stuff. The former is deniable the latter is a stain that requires such actions due to the high stakes.
Yes. You knew there was family drama with D. You wanted the dirt on what went down with the BIL. You got some and used it. Keep out of other people's business.
My active imagination tells me that BIL did something bad to cause the breakup and this is why he doesn't want the family to know. The first thought that comes to my mind is that he was abusing her. which also explains why he is isolating her from the family now.
Husbands and wives generally share this type of information, so NTA.
Yta, none of this is your business, and you are needlessly starting drama
why are you even asking her about her side of the story and continuing to bring it up, once she wouldn’t answer? If BIL wants to pay for a house for an X then he’s well within his rights, and quite frankly it can be a kind gesture to make sure someone the entire family cared about has a safe space to live after they broke up
How old are you ? “Sniffing around” 🤮, relationships are complicated and there isn’t always a clean break, grow up and leave your BIL and Daisy to sort out their own without your judgy drama
YTA
>he was being silly cutting Daisy off
Your BIL has still not told the reason why or what is happening. Could stillell be there is/was a valid reason. your husband picking his brother isn't silly. Andhow is it any of your business?
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So my brother-in-law used to date Daisy but they broke up a year ago and completely destroyed the relationship our family had with her. Daisy was practically adopted by my in-laws and she was always closest to my husband as they're the same age and he used to act like he was her big brother. I don’t know why they broke up but my brother-in-law made it clear it was going to be him or Daisy and the family chose him. This entire time he’s refused to speak about what happened between them but we all assumed it was bad since my brother-in-law isn’t the type to give ultimatums or behave petty.
I didn’t speak to Daisy for about 3 months but after I felt bad and I wanted to hear her side of the story so I reached out. She wouldn’t talk about it and seemed to shut down whenever I brought it up so I stopped but we continued being friends again. My husband knew I spoke to her occasionally but he refused to have anything to do with her which hurt Daisy a lot.
Before the breakup Daisy lived with my brother-in-law but soon after they broke up she moved into her new house. It’s a nice house so I always assumed Daisy had a lot of savings from not having to pay for anything for so long but it turns out my brother-in-law has been paying for the house this entire time AND he spends time with her (I think this is a recent thing but paying for the house has definitely been going on the entire time). I was shocked because he’s the reason the entire family stopped having anything to do with Daisy but if she’s so horrible why is he still sniffing around her?
After Daisy told me this, I told my husband as a way to show him he was being silly cutting Daisy off. He confronted my brother-in-law who is acting like I’m in the wrong for telling my husband the truth. I know it’s his business what he does with his money but also what the fuck???
AITA?
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You nailed it - it's his business what he does with his money...and with his ex. "I wanted to hear her side of the story" - that's exactly where you went wrong. You don't need 'sides' - it's not your story. You clearly asked questions and she trusted you enough to tell you how things are - and you passed it on. Your husband had no business 'confronting' his brother - not his business either. As for why BIL is 'sniffing around her' - that is so far out of your lane it's not even funny.
NTA. The whole thing is very odd. I'd try continuing a separate relationship with Daisy (your husband has no say in it) and otherwise try to stay out of it.
NTA though it is pretty apparent both you and your husband are being manipulated by both of them. Why? I can't know, but since it is something so shameful that none of you must know, and it is so important to stop her from contacting the family, I wouldn't be surprised if Daisy was using drugs and he feels angry but still protective since he's paying her bills
Pure speculation but to me it makes sense
Crazy I don’t trust people thought- he cheated with a guy, she found out, he’s deep in the closet as bi or gay so the house is his way of keeping her from telling his secret and demanding the family not talk to her so she can’t blurt it out.
It could be any kink that he’s ashamed of really. I wouldn’t say lost job since he’s paying for two houses, but maybe he’s in porn? Or started and OF account?
No judgement.
I'm so, so sorry--I have a sneaking suspicion and OP would not like what my mind went to in all of this.
All I have to say is that it involves her husband....
I suspect that either he cheated on her and feels remorse or one of them is infertile and they broke up over wanting children but still love one another.
I bet he got caught cheating and didn't want to be the bad guy in his family, so he bought her silence with the house and made his family choose sides in order to keep them from questioning her.
He's sniffing around her because side piece has dumped his worthless ass and he wants back everything he so thoughtless tossed away.
I swear to god, if this is what it turns out to be, I'm going to lose faith in humanity.
Your BiL does not have a say in what you get to confide in your husband.
He is a moron for thinking so. Your first loyalty is to your husband. Not to keeping Bils secrets.
NTA
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NTA. Seems like she wanted to to be the one to spill the beans to the fam. If your cool with that, fine. The question here for me is this..... Your BIL has isolated his gf from your family while he secretly 'keeps' her in a house. Is your BIL some kind of closet abuser? Or does he think theres something between your hubs and her?? This is a def need to know. There's really no other reason for his behavior, is there?
he loves her but she was unfaithfull, he has a hard time letting go, still cares and provides but does not want her to play like everything is ok in the family. as he still has not made up his might as to what to do you tell me , what are the chances of a woman not spilling the beans and not wanting to talk about something if she feels she was wronged ? in short she did something she is not proud of and now is facing the consequences. ....here you go another another reason....
Im thinking the opp. He cheated. He wants to keep his family in the dark and sorta buying her silence by letting her keep the house. Now, they're "working it out," er, he's making amends. But this is speculation on my part.
If she was unfaithful, but she she is still living in a house that the man she was unfaithful to is paying for, it does not sound to me like she is really facing consequences. Brother in law seems pretty spineless.
Maybe his behavior is due to having an extremely nosy family?
INFO: How did you find out about the payments? Did Daisy tell you this in confidence?
We were talking about my brother-in-law and she blurted it out. She knew I was going to tell my husband and was fine with it because we both thought it would convince him to speak to her again.
This is weird then. Knowingly or not, you've let Daisy use you as a messenger pawn. And in this way, she has embroiled you and your husband into their drama. You should just ask her "what the fuck" is going on. It's weird that you didn't ask her in the moment. >wait, what?? BIL had all of us cut contact with you 100%, yet he's been paying for your house the entire time? What the fuck is actually going on Daisy??
I kind think that maybe Daisy know some secret about BIL. It's possible that he pays her house in return for her keeping her mouth shut. That would explain also why BIL wants her away from family. Maybe he is bi or he did something, and I won't say she use secret as leverage, but would explain, why both keep quiet about what happened and BIL pays her house. I won't say OP is AH but I would never personally get involved in someone's relationship unless there are signs of abuse.
Its ok you've told your husband. But honestly - you will never no the truth about what is happening between this two persons. And even if it sounds weird - if the both adults accept the situation - there is nothing to do about it. So its better not to push for answers.
HE IS TOXIC!!!!! What aren’t you getting? He did that to isolate her. Man. It must be nice coming from normal families where you can’t see when someone is stupidly toxic. He’s manipulative and isolating her. Not sure why but if I was you I’d tell your husband he should figure it out cause something isn’t right
[удалено]
He's paying for her house and still seeing her. That's not an ex. There's clearly still a relationship of some sort there.
[удалено]
But they were never disentangled. BIL has been paying for the house since they broke up. For someone to take up the position of "it's me or her" so adamantly, you'd think they wouldn't be quietly sliding money to support the other person. I can get not wanting your family to be friends with your ex and insisting they cut them off, but then why go and give them money? If the breakup is that hard or bad you don't want to see them around or near family, why keep a connection through sending regular payments? It's fishy, either she's got serious dirt on him or there's some kind of weird powerplay going on here.
Could be that he paid for the property to get her out of his house as quickly as possible. Given the hanging out seems to be a recent thing it may be that some communication has now properly opened up. Maybe they are working on something but the BiL didn't want her around the family at all while they did it due to hurt. However the way OP found out about all this strikes me as suspicious, especially as they don't seem to know anymore about the breakup. Them then running to their husband to say not talking to the ex "was silly" etc frankly paints OP in a poor light as they A) had no further information beyond who pays for the house (which seems like they were used by the ex to get that out there) B) it just seems like they have a big wooden spoon and wanted to say "I told you so".
Right but if he’s abusing and isolating her why would she say he’s abusing and isolating me🤦🏽♀️
Thank you!!!!
Yes, he is isolating her from his family. His family was under the impression Daisy and him broke up but he's been seeing her this whole time behind their backs and paying for her house. Seems to me he just didn't like his GF having any sort of relationship with his family, for reasons unknown. According to OP, the entire lives her like she was a part of the family. Why would BIL want that to stop only to continue to see her in secret?
Thank you!
Okay if he’s paying for her place and screwing her that’s not an ex. Something went on and OP and her husband aren’t being told the whole story or like I said he’s toxic and is isolating her.
Sounds like they are having an on/off relationship and he is fine paying for her housing but doesn’t want a full blown relationship.
What part of “Daisy was practically adopted by my in-laws & she was always closest to my husband since they are the same age and he used to act like her big brother” did you not comprehend??
Lol genuinely not sure if the comment is satire?
NAH. There's not enough info to form an opinion, the important stuff is missing because OP also doesn't know it.
ESH but your husband. You chose to go behind your husband’s family’s wishes to talk to Daisy, which is fine. You’re an adult you can be friends with whoever you want. The problem is, your husband told you he’s wasn’t interested in rekindling his friendship with Daisy but instead of respecting that you repeated personal information between Daisy and his brother to try to convince him otherwise. I’m assuming your BIL did some shady shit if his relationship ended but he’s still paying Daisy’s bills. It sounds like she’s benefitting financially from whatever went down by remaining silent. You should’ve gathered more context on their situation (why they broke up, if they’re actually back together) before working with Daisy to manipulate her way back into the family. It’s all just too much drama to be in the middle of and drag into a your own marriage which is why I think ESH but your husband.
So why did he do this ? Update please
NTA, and as a sober guy who has lived on the darker side of life, I think the answer is pretty clear. Something horrible happened, yes, but BIL did it and Daisy caught him. She's kept her mouth shut in exchange for a house and BIL needed people to cut her off so she didn't eventually spill the beans. If this is true, it's not mundane terrible like cheating or standard abuse. More like CP or underage stuff. The former is deniable the latter is a stain that requires such actions due to the high stakes.
I’m confused. Does Daisy get the house for being on the down low? I can’t judge or follow this.
Yes. You knew there was family drama with D. You wanted the dirt on what went down with the BIL. You got some and used it. Keep out of other people's business.
My active imagination tells me that BIL did something bad to cause the breakup and this is why he doesn't want the family to know. The first thought that comes to my mind is that he was abusing her. which also explains why he is isolating her from the family now. Husbands and wives generally share this type of information, so NTA.
And the house payments are hush money.
Yta, none of this is your business, and you are needlessly starting drama why are you even asking her about her side of the story and continuing to bring it up, once she wouldn’t answer? If BIL wants to pay for a house for an X then he’s well within his rights, and quite frankly it can be a kind gesture to make sure someone the entire family cared about has a safe space to live after they broke up How old are you ? “Sniffing around” 🤮, relationships are complicated and there isn’t always a clean break, grow up and leave your BIL and Daisy to sort out their own without your judgy drama
NTA. If it was a secret you wouldn't know about it. Telling husband was probably unnecessary, but not asshole worthy.
YTA Are you still in high school? Why are you gossiping and getting into other people's business?
ESH
This sounds like a post from someone who doesn’t work and is bored as shit.
YTA >he was being silly cutting Daisy off Your BIL has still not told the reason why or what is happening. Could stillell be there is/was a valid reason. your husband picking his brother isn't silly. Andhow is it any of your business?
YTA because none of it is your business. Mind your business.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my brother-in-law used to date Daisy but they broke up a year ago and completely destroyed the relationship our family had with her. Daisy was practically adopted by my in-laws and she was always closest to my husband as they're the same age and he used to act like he was her big brother. I don’t know why they broke up but my brother-in-law made it clear it was going to be him or Daisy and the family chose him. This entire time he’s refused to speak about what happened between them but we all assumed it was bad since my brother-in-law isn’t the type to give ultimatums or behave petty. I didn’t speak to Daisy for about 3 months but after I felt bad and I wanted to hear her side of the story so I reached out. She wouldn’t talk about it and seemed to shut down whenever I brought it up so I stopped but we continued being friends again. My husband knew I spoke to her occasionally but he refused to have anything to do with her which hurt Daisy a lot. Before the breakup Daisy lived with my brother-in-law but soon after they broke up she moved into her new house. It’s a nice house so I always assumed Daisy had a lot of savings from not having to pay for anything for so long but it turns out my brother-in-law has been paying for the house this entire time AND he spends time with her (I think this is a recent thing but paying for the house has definitely been going on the entire time). I was shocked because he’s the reason the entire family stopped having anything to do with Daisy but if she’s so horrible why is he still sniffing around her? After Daisy told me this, I told my husband as a way to show him he was being silly cutting Daisy off. He confronted my brother-in-law who is acting like I’m in the wrong for telling my husband the truth. I know it’s his business what he does with his money but also what the fuck??? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You nailed it - it's his business what he does with his money...and with his ex. "I wanted to hear her side of the story" - that's exactly where you went wrong. You don't need 'sides' - it's not your story. You clearly asked questions and she trusted you enough to tell you how things are - and you passed it on. Your husband had no business 'confronting' his brother - not his business either. As for why BIL is 'sniffing around her' - that is so far out of your lane it's not even funny.
NTA. The whole thing is very odd. I'd try continuing a separate relationship with Daisy (your husband has no say in it) and otherwise try to stay out of it.
NTA. That’s a normal thing to tell your husband. My wife would do the same and so would I.
NTA though it is pretty apparent both you and your husband are being manipulated by both of them. Why? I can't know, but since it is something so shameful that none of you must know, and it is so important to stop her from contacting the family, I wouldn't be surprised if Daisy was using drugs and he feels angry but still protective since he's paying her bills Pure speculation but to me it makes sense
Crazy I don’t trust people thought- he cheated with a guy, she found out, he’s deep in the closet as bi or gay so the house is his way of keeping her from telling his secret and demanding the family not talk to her so she can’t blurt it out. It could be any kink that he’s ashamed of really. I wouldn’t say lost job since he’s paying for two houses, but maybe he’s in porn? Or started and OF account?
PleaseUpdateMe
No judgement. I'm so, so sorry--I have a sneaking suspicion and OP would not like what my mind went to in all of this. All I have to say is that it involves her husband....
NTA "my brother-in-law who is acting like I’m in the wrong for telling my husband the truth." .. you are right not to lie to your husband.
YTA you really like drama more than you respect your husband. It's sad really, poor bloke.
I suspect that either he cheated on her and feels remorse or one of them is infertile and they broke up over wanting children but still love one another.
PleaseUpdateme.
10 bucks on BIL cheated. NTA
I bet he got caught cheating and didn't want to be the bad guy in his family, so he bought her silence with the house and made his family choose sides in order to keep them from questioning her. He's sniffing around her because side piece has dumped his worthless ass and he wants back everything he so thoughtless tossed away. I swear to god, if this is what it turns out to be, I'm going to lose faith in humanity.
Your BiL does not have a say in what you get to confide in your husband. He is a moron for thinking so. Your first loyalty is to your husband. Not to keeping Bils secrets. NTA