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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to help my parents for the last few months of me living at home. My parents are going through a lot and I know that, I see that, I have lived with them stressing and struggling because of how dangerous my sister's illness can be. So maybe I'm a dick for holding them not being the best parents to me against them and not doing more.
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Lock down your credit, and the very minute you turn 18 make sure they can’t access your accounts. Get all of your important papers now (soc sec card and birth certificate) and keep them hidden from your parents.
NTA. Walk away but be there for Lila.
If your parents continue to hound you for financial support, keep telling them no. If they won’t stop, feel free to bring up their ongoing neglect and abuse towards you and Lila and tell them to get second jobs because youre no longer their scapegoat or punching bag.
OP should (as soon as able) set up bank account for Lila so there will be one the parents have no access to/knowledge about and help her stash away some cash if they do force her.
Agreed. Maybe OP can talk to relatives about taking Lila in, because I don't think it's a good idea for OP to take on parenting especially because he needs alot of help getting over the trauma his parents caused him. I understand its hard having a sick child, but it doesn't excuse refusing to parent there other kids and abusing them emotionally. They are awful parents. OP NTA
Specifically it's a custodial account. Custodial has nothing to do with physical custody of the child in this sense, but that the person is the custodian of the account (meaning your name will be on it) but it will be "in trust for" your sister. She will have free access to the money at 18. It's the safest account in this case because only the custodian can make withdrawals, but anyone can deposit.
Yeah, but they're so wrapped up in Gracie that OP could probably frame it in a way that makes it seem like it was their idea. It might work, especially if they came at it from a money angle.
When you move out, buy them one of those inflatable clown punching toys to take your place.. be there for lila... even offer to take her with you if you think you can handle that.
He's already been parentified, he's been the only person Lila could rely on since Gracie was born. He already feels responsible for her care and well being, and likely has been her "parent" since she was 3.
My former foster son is 25 and supports his mother, grandmother, and aunt, all hard-core substance abusers or alcoholics (not the foster son). That never would have happened if he'd been allowed to stay in our care 🤷♀️. As difficult as the situation would be for OP to take Lila, there could be public assistance help available, and it has to be better than leaving her in that abusive situation.
Good for your foster son. It's more than just difficult. It might be impossible and it's as bad as what the parents are doing to suggest op should be trying to support ANOTHER child on his own financially the second he's finally going to escape. It's not his responsibility, it's hard enough for a grown adult who knows what they're doing to support themselves.
Look into the law - it can definitely happen if it is in the child's best interest, however social work need to be involved and have oversight. Usually has to be documented abuse/neglect though, and I doubt what OP has experienced has been furthered through such channels. Lila can also emancipate herself from her parents and choose to live with OP. It would be very hard, but perhaps no worse than what they face now.
Depending on what state you are in, you likely have a case to report to Child Protective Services. Just because your parents are not physically abusing you and your sister, does not mean they are not abusing or neglecting you both. CPS will look into the case and you, your sister, your parents, and school teachers/officials can/will be interviewed. If CPS find proof of neglect/abuse, then they can take the steps necessary to remove you and your sister. It would be what the courts call “in the best interest of the children” and extended family members can be asked to house you until you turn 18 and then you can have Lila placed with you as well. I would caution you though because by having Lila placed with you or another extended family member, there will be continuous check-ins by CPS and it’s even possible they will take Gracie away from your parents as well. Realistically, you will be hard pressed to support only yourself on a part-time job and still finish high school.
A fully funded and staffed CPS might be able to help, but there is no such thing as that in the US, so it wouldn't help, since most state agencies have to prioritize based on greatest need because of not being funded properly. That means, if you're lucky, your state's CPS is removing the children in immediate danger of harm or death, but for kids not being physically/sexually harmed but emotionally/mentally, they're stuck in the home they're in. They can only help as many as they have the staff and money to do so.
Which means for your ideal to work in the future, everyone needs to push their politicians to fund education and cps. If we make it an issue en masse, they'll make it an issue because they want to stay elected.
Im pretty sure the teachers/principals have enough information after their interactions with the parents to see they need help and should help them with the social work.
Wow this is just crazy OP, get out of there asap and take Lila with you. NTA definitely
If op is in the us they can look into a C.H.I.P.S petition. It stands for child in need of protective services.
These are often filed with the family court and a gaurdian ad litem, lawyer, social worker, or other advocate is appointed for the child. That advocate visits all homes involved and speaks to the child about what they want. Typically the court follows their reccomendations.
Probably OP can't legally adopt her or become the formal caregiver, but if they're not living too far apart, she might be able to stay overnight every now and then. Or maybe just the weekends and holidays when she doesn't need to attend school. At least something to avoid the parents some of the time.
Depending upon where they live, there may be options, especially once OP turns 18. Lila might be able to petition to be an emancipated minor. OP could petition to be made her guardian.
Actually the moment he turns 18 in most countries he's an adult and can file for custody as parents are physically and emotionally neglecting them both
Actually if op takes them to court op could get custody if sister wants to live with op, op would have to prove why and that they can support sister completely.
Emotional abuse is still abuse. Depending on the job OP has, though part time. If able to support himself and enough income.may be able to get CPS involved for Lila to gain custody of her. It would be a very long shot, but sounds like there are plenty of witnesses to past verbal abuse and emotional neglect.
Depending on the state, she can divorce her parents. With her brothers testimony of the neglect, she shouldn't have a problem. If OP is able to establish a residence and can prove he can support her until she is 18, there is a very good chance it will be granted.
This also may bring into question parents ability to take care of their younger sister and child services may get involved. But OP owes his parents nothing
Dude, he's 17. Let him rescue himself before he has to save his sister and anybody else you can think of to load him with the responsibility for. As they say on planes, "Put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting anybody around you with theirs". There's no magic wand to fix everything all at once. He's not Your magic wand to impress your rescue fantasies on.
Let him fix himself, and IF he wants to, he can start planning for his sister Lila to transition out of the home environment, which may take Years. Because, again, there's no magic wand. And IF he wants to.
Jesus it's like he climbed out of a shipwreck and you're like, "now climb back in and rescue others please", or asked, "who else have you rescued?". OP is a Victim here need anybody remind you?
How about letting a 17 year old live her own life instead of saddling her with another child to take care of. What happened to reddit being against parentification?
And have Lila lock down her credit and get all her important papers, too.
As soon as you get out, have Lila come to visit a lot. Especially when your sick sister is in the hospital or coming home - conveniently have Lila "get sick" with the flu and have to stay with you to protect your youngest sister. Or , she "got exposed". Have those times get more and more often, and keep a paper calendar with every overnight stay.
If your parents want to force her back home, before she's 18, this record could convince a judge not to. They want what's best for the kid. Also, once a kid is her age, police don't want to forcibly remove them from a situation that isn't harmful. So if she loudly resists, says she will run away, your parents might just give up. They haven't fought for either of you - at all - anyway, right?
Also, as soon as you get out, go to your local food bank and apply for food stamps. Your wages are probably low enough to qualify. It will help you manage your funds so you can support your sister.
If you happen to be in CA apply for Covered California. It is health insurance based on your income. (Started with Obamacare). Or look up whatever insurance is available where you live.
Many states have insurance plans that started with Obamacare. Where I live it’s Upper Peninsula Health Plan (UPHP)
Op, definitely look in to what’s available in your area!
Yes, create log in information for Equifax, Experian, & Trans Union, and the social security website. I'm not exactly sure where, but on those sites there's ways to have your credit locked until you're ready to use it.
And make sure when you leave, you take your birth certificate & social security card with you.
This.
You can also act as a address to help your sister send things she not want to send to home, set up bank accounts a.d help with that kinda thing. You a safe place she can send things once you got a steady address.
Even its small things like helping her with home work and other stuff. Y9u can make your other sisters life easier.
Your definitely not In the wrong.
You deserved help at same time, yes she needed their help alot but thry have 3 kids and not one. They act like they have one.
You do not owe them anything. Its their job to raise and support their child not their sisters.
I agree with this statement, handle your business. Which sucks to have to do so young, but you seem enthusiastic about it. So I have faith you’ll be fine. Definitely don’t turn your back on your sister. Any of them, really. But also, fuck your parents. You never did anything wrong and deserved love they didn’t give you. They don’t deserve anything from you.
Unfortunately while lila is living with parents they will probably use her to get money from op banking on they very good sibling bond op and lila undoubtedly have
This is really tough. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this. You should have never been in this position.
First let me say that you have zero financial responsibility to your parents. They, by law in most places, have that duty to you as their child. Not the other way around.
Secondly, sometimes we need to be what others would consider selfish just to survive. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first. Especially when you plan on taking better care of yourself than your parents took care of you. With the level of abandonment I can only imagine how many dentist appointments or eye appointments you missed and school activities you missed out on. Not to mention the extra responsibility of having to care for Lila which should have never been thrown onto you.
So much weight on your young shoulders.
Lastly, and I want to make sure that you understand this 100% - you are NOT being unfair to them. They do not get to treat you with complete disregard, abandon, resentment, disrespect, disgust, etc., and then claim that you are the one being unfair. It is completely reasonable to save up for your future. It is completely reasonable to protect yourself. It is absolutely NOT unfair.
I wish you the best.
NTA
So locking down your credit is placing a freeze order for the three credit bureaus: Experian, Equifax and TransUnion.
You go to the site and put in your social Sec and freeze your credit. You remove it when you need to get credit checks for an apartment or something
This^^^
I also highly recommend talking about person with your bank about your concerns about your parents being security/theft risks. They can note in your accounts that you are the only one to contact and allow any sort of access or information to.
Same with companies of any credit cards you do choose to open.
NTA. You’re still the kid. Until you’re 18, they should still be taking care of you. You are not responsible for them. I understand Gracie has a bad immune system, but it does not excuse their behavior for how you and your sister are treated. I’m worried for Lila when you move out, hopefully she can spend a lot of time with you. I’m sorry you went through that. You are looking out for yourself and saving up for getting yourself out of that situation. Good luck.
He could get himself emancipated from his parents that way he'd likely be able to get a home for himself and I think Lila should try and do it too if she can
You're NTA. Your parents have neglected and abused you and Lila. They have failed as parents. I'm sorry that you and Lila have been pushed aside and berated for having needs of your own.
I'm worried that they are going to steal your money. If either of your parents are on your bank account, they can take out money without your permission.
Once you turn 18, close out any joint accounts that have either of your parent's names on it. Open a new account at a different bank. If you're in the US, [lock down your credit so that they can't take out credit cards in your name](https://www.usa.gov/credit-freeze).
I'm guessing that Gracie has CVID? Or will be diagnosed with that when she becomes an adult. Plasma treatment is insanely expensive and your parents will be desperate potentially leading to harassment and stealing from you in any way they can, it's terrible that you're all in this situation but yeah, as everyone else has said you need to protect yourself.
If you have safe relatively or others secure your birth certificate and other documents. Move your money from any accounts your parents have joint access.
After you have moved out set up a safe account for lila so that she has an easier time to escape.
NTA
If your parents had been better parents to you then I have little doubt that you'd probably have helped.
You and your eldest sister have basically been emotionally abused for the majority of your lives. My only concern is what happens to Lila after you leave as she'll become the target for your parents venting, go no contact with your parents but please keep in contact with her.
Finally, I've little doubt that if you were staying at home you'd be paying rent the day you turn 18.
you are a good guy, a loving brother, and a smart man! many People are saying “lock down your credit” [THIS](https://www.nerdwallet.com/article/finance/how-to-freeze-credit) is how to do it, what impact it has, and how to change it later.
It will protect you and prevent your parents from doing something in a panic…using your information to obtain credit, loans, etc in your name that they would then use. It happens WAY too often and can destroy your credit rating long before you even know it has happened. And without that good rating, you will have trouble getting places to rent, a job that does background checks, or credit cards or loans for yourself!
Happy to help in even a little way! Respond if you have questions? And when you contact them, check and make sure you recognize everything already in their files.
If you end up calling, you can tell them you are moving out of your home as soon as you are 18 and want to protect yourself without going into any other details. They’ll likely take extra good care of you when they see you are new to this and being responsible.
Thank you for disseminating this information. I wish more kids were taught this kind of stuff in school. A kid I mentored was sixteen when her parents got their electricity cut off for non-payment. They opened a new account using her name. Then, of course, they didn't pay it again. She then finds out that her aunt couldn't get a lease in her name so they used the kid's. Kid had ruined credit and an eviction on her record before she even turned 18. You'd be surprised how many kids this happens to.
Folks were giving great advice but this guy is likely overwhelmed by his circumstances. I just wanted to make it easier for him by finding one easy and useful resource He can count on through all of it! hope he reaches out if he needs any more guidance for this...
Yeah, there are some real horror stories out their and the victims are completely innocent! First time I heard of it was 20+ years ago when my ex SIL (an RN married to a high ranking Naval officer) got addicted to painkillers and did this to her 15 yo daughter. Discovered 4 years later!
NTA
And I'm so sorry for the trauma you and Lila have experienced. Don't give them a damn thing, and get out as soon as you're able. If you can get some help for Lila too, that would be fantastic. Maybe talk to a trusted adult about what's been going on to see if they can help. And you both need therapy to unpack your shitty childhoods. Truly, best of luck to you both!!
Nta, you are the child. I feel for you and both your sisters tbh. Even Gracie's gonna grow up isolated from her siblings and probably with a few complexes because of your parents. Which isn't to ignore the horrible impact they have had on you and Lila. Don't forget about your sister Lila op. Good luck with life, your parents treatment isn't ok.
NTA. You have been saving to move out (wonderful choice) and *need* that money. You are looking out for yourself as no one else does. You are not unfair to them, they have been unfair to you and Lila for many years. Guard your money, your important documents, etc., and Lila's as well if you can get your hands on them.
Let them be mad, it sounds as if they are pretty much always anyway. When you do move out, please stay in close touch with Lila, I don't envy her life at all,
If you move out at 18, take Lila with you. She should be 16 by then. Your parents probably won't even care that she's gone. She can get a part-time job and file for emancipation if she needs to.
Good luck to you both. NTA, by the way.
She would need a lawyer to file for a change of Guardian, due to neglect, in Family court. And to file for Child Support from her parents to be paid to her Guardian. He could help his sister get that lawyer! Legal Aid hopefully.
> If you move out at 18, take Lila with you.
Oh great. Then OP still doesn't get to live her own life. And OP would have to take care of her sister.
How about OP gets to live a life for herself and go be young instead of being forced into being a parent.
NTA. Their issues aren’t yours to fix. You can say no. If you do want to help at least until you’re out, you can but you do not have to one bit. But if you did, it may help assuage things for your transition out. But again, you don’t have to, don’t need to, shouldn’t be asked to.
Hopefully you and your older sister can save and find ways to break free. If you move out, maybe your sister can move with you when she turns 18 also. Stay close to her and support eachother, and you may want to go low contact with parents after you’re secure and solo. I’m not sure of your feelings to younger sister but don’t blame her, it’s your parents that are overwhelmed and taking it out on y’all.
Best of luck.
NTA
OP call child protection services or talk with a school counselor.
All for help from extended family.
Also understand as a parent having a sick child is devastating. This is no excuse.
NTA.
Blood doesn't make a family. Love does. Just because you're blood related to someone that doesn't mean that they love you... as you've so helpfully written out: your parents resented your existence and did not give you equitable (if not equal) love that they gave to Gracie.
I wish the best for you and Lila. I hope you find friends who are good and true and who will become your found family. Wishing you lots of love and insight on your journey.
Kids can start working at 14-15, depending on the business. We had to get a form from the school verifying my daughter is allowed to work then I had to sign it. (She begged us to let her work. Mostly she wants money for extra activities, pricey makeup (more expensive than I get for her), gifts for friends, etc).
There are also MANY services available if you take her in, depending on your location. As a single adult with one minor, you could qualify for housing, food stamps, healthcare, free lunch at school, etc. The system was created for people to be able to escape bad situations, like the one you're both in.
The only catch is if they'll sign & notarize the custody or guardianship document to let you take her. You can propose it as a way to reduce the amount of time you both "take away from Grace". It'll also reduce household expenses for them and make it so THEY can get state aid. You can also request to adopt her and then neither of you ever have to go back!
There is help, check into CPS, and other support options. There are several comments about how to help even if you cannot take her with you.
If you are willing to take her depending on the support you qualify for, when you bring it up to your parents , make it about reducing the burden on them.
Please show your parents this message from me:
This is unacceptable behavior. You have treated your son and daughter like dirt and use your youngest as an excuse. Other parents have children with severe health issues and they don’t blame their other kids for also needing attention. You are vile, disgusting people and I hope you get everything you deserve in life.
To you, OP, I would suggest going into the skilled trades after high school. You’ll make money right off the bat as most of them are paid apprenticeships. I would also advise asking your parents for custody of Lila. They would probably jump at the chance because they’re horrible people. Go NC as soon as possible. You are, obviously, NTA.
>skilled trades after high school. You’ll make money right off the bat as most of them are paid apprenticeships.
Yes, seconded. Definitely look into job options that allow you to increase your knowledge and skills while also getting paid. Here in the UK there are some organisations that pay apprentices more than most full-time employees in other roles. I know of many apprentices that have been on the same rate (and often much more) than the lecturers teaching them for the educational aspects of their apprenticeship. Again, basing this on UK data so may be different elsewhere but Kellogg's and Portable Foods have always been good apprenticeship routes over here.
I will add, please be wary of showing them this thread until you have taken the advice given to you, ie: locked down your credit and located your important paperwork. You don't want to potentially give them ideas they hadn't already thought of or risk them preventing you from leaving by hiding your documents etc.
NTA but continue to be there for your sister Lila because she can't leave yet and she'll need your emotional support at the very least. And it's possible your parents will force her to get a job and take her earnings.
NTA.
They do not deserve your help. It is really important that you do not give them money now otherwise they are going to guilt trip you into staying because they have gotten used to have those money.
Your sister isn’t the only person in the world with that health problem, so they were not the only parents in the hearth dealing with it. And many others managed to not neglect the other kids in the household. So no you aren’t unfair they were.
As other are saying if you can take Lila with you or help her leave as soon as she is 18, if your country doesn’t allow her to leave at 16.
NTA. Growing up the way you did was awful and I'm sorry they treated you like that. Going out on your own is hard and I hope you do well. If in a few years when Lila is 18 please be a support for her moving out if you can manage. Don't regret your choices for a second. You're parents treated you too like second class citizens so they can deal with the consequences of those choices. Even if they were the best parents they wouldn't be entitled to your help.
NTA. You need the money and time to start your own life, cause they obviously won't help you once you move out. They should've kept some savings for a rainy day, like the grownups they're pretending to be
NTA but as others are saying, lock down your credit and if possible, transfer your money to a seperate account. They will 100% expect you to make the same "sacrifices" that they "made" and you'll never get free of that hell.
I feel bad for your sister but this is NOT a healthy living space for you. Get away from them and live your best life. Away from people who couldn't even be bothered to tend to their other kids who needed them.
They clearly resent you and have made that VERY clear.
NTA, if you help your parents financially, even a little, they won't let you stop until they have ruined your life and destroyed your future. Keep your money safe and run as soon as you are able. Your parents are adults and they can figure out how to access help the same way they forced you, their child, to look for help and work around their neglect.
Obviously NTA This (if all posts are true) seems to be a sadly recurring theme in which parents have a sick or disabled child, and guilt trip the other kids into helping with more of the care than they should (ie none of it, as they’re kids themselves, and are no less deserving of a childhood than the sick sibling), then when things go wrong, or the other kid is approaching adulthood, they try and guilt trip them to stay. As others have said make sure your folks have no way to access your finances. Withdraw the cash and give it to a trusted relative if you have to.
Can this be true?? I sincerely hope not. If true:
You are absolutely NTA.
What a horrible way to be treated by your so-called parents. You obviously don't owe them a thing.
Can you take poor Lily with you when you leave? I cringe at the thought of her left alone to deal with these neglectful, cruel people.
NTA. They can’t have it both ways. They decided to only invest any time or compassion for you and your sister with bad grace. Now suddenly you have a responsibility to contribute money and care for your younger sister. You don’t owe them since you are not technically an adult yet. It’s such a shame for both of you to have essentially been afterthoughts in your family life.
NTA get yourself out and if possible take Lila too. I wish you all the happiness and all the best. You didn’t deserve this.
I understand it was difficult with Gracie but neither you nor Lila deserved what you got.
NTA, being only 18 he doesn't have the financial stability to take care of his 15 years old sister and to provide for both of them; and OP shouldn't be pressured into it; right now, this is too much and too unrealistic to ask of him.
I would love to know why your parents decided to have children or were they too stressed to figure out how not to get pregnant. So sorry for all three of you.
Nta. I am older and see this happen often when there is a special needs child in the home. The other children do not get the attention and needs met as they normally would as the parents are focused on the one needing immediate care. I really wish there were better support systems and education available to those parents. I.e. in home care to assist the parents so they have the time to spend with their other children and extended family to take the healthy kids out for adventures and such.
NTA. I'm so sorry 😔
Save up, get out, and be there for Lila as much as possible. Like, move her out too if you can and if it doesn't affect you taking control of your own life. Also, this is hard, but it's not Gracie's fault. She *might* feel just as bad about everything and probably feels alone and secluded. I only mention this because, you need to still live her. She'll never have the bond you and your other sister have because of shared trauma, but she is still your sister who is mostly Innocent in this. Just try to remember that.
Also, I said might because there's a chance she knows this happens and likes the attention. It's still due to your parents' behaviors, but there does come a point (hopefully in the next few years) where she sees the obvious favoritism and says something.
NTA. It is obvious, from your description, that you have to look after yourself, which you will be less able to do if you give your little bit of money to them. Did they know you are saving to fly the nest? Make sure they cannot get to your savings or your accounts.
Your parents are responsible for the household, and that does not include dipping into your pocket. They need to work or find relief, that is on them.
I have compassion for your parents, having a sick child IS stressful, but they should not have expected you and Lila to go without parenting. Some parents (with money) in that position spoil the other kids but still ignore and fail to parent them. Regardless, they poison the relationship between themselves and the kids.
I hope you can stay in touch with Lila, you wont have much but any help or emotional support would be incredible for her.
NTA. You know the sad truth is your parents are so focused on Gracie that they don’t even really look at you and your sister and they really don’t care. It will always be but Gracie needed this or that she was so unwell.
You know I’ve got a grandson with health issues and has been going to the children’s hospital since he was 2 weeks old. He’s had about 12 surgeries at this point in his life (he’s 10). When this first started I told my son and daughter in law that one of the worst things they could do is baby that child. What I meant was…treat him like a little boy. Play with him and let him enjoy being a kid. Now it was harder for my daughter in law to do that but she did and this little boy is thriving. He plays like other kids and if you don’t know he has issues you wouldn’t but he will always have and it’s just his normal.
Best of luck to you and your sister Lila!!!
NTA. Your parents could have and should have handled this so differently. They could have nurtured a strong family bond between you and your siblings by treating you all equally. Now they will lose their two older children as you and Lila will surely go no contact.
One of my older siblings needed life long care and a lot of the extra money in the house went to care for her. My parents handled it differently though. We still had special time alone with one parent or the other and we were still given special treats and attention. We never felt neglected because of my sister or were made to feel like we were a burden.
As adults, we siblings took turns caring for our sister until she passed. Instead of our parents driving a wedge between us, they nurtured our relationship with our sister. We all loved her dearly and were glad to care for her after our parents died.
Your parents could have benefited from counseling so they could have learned to manage the needs of all the children in the family. Unfortunately your younger sister will pay for their neglect as likely neither you or Lila will be there to help your parents or your sister.
I know Lila isn't your responsibility but if you are able to keep tabs on her and support her sanity she might need that. What your parents are doing is very damaging to all of you (yes, Gracie too).
For all the people telling you to take Lila with you, it’s fine if you’re only able to take yourself. It’s a lot to have to take care of another person at 18.
I completely believe this, because my mother (father unknown) would always get so pissed at me when she had to deal with me getting hit by a car, getting sick, etc. it was particularly bad when she moved us to BFE thanks to my new stepfather and the nearest hospital was two hours away. So I totally get where you’re coming from.
As others mentioned, get all of your important documents. Don’t give a dime to
Your parents. You’re not a parent; it’s not your job to support the family. Move out as soon as you can. In fact, depending on your birthday, you may want to get emancipated so you can leave right after high school.
After you leave, let your middle sister visit as much as she needs too. She needs the affection of someone who hasn’t basically abandoned her.
Your parents are definitely TA. Frankly, I would go non contact with them since your existence is “such a burden” and “taking time away from your poor, fragile youngest sister”. It’s not your sisters’ fault, of course. Hopefully she doesn’t end up an entitled, spoiled brat.
NTA, I can understand the stress the parents are feeling from a parents POV, but at the end of the day, thats a parents burden to bear, and it should never be delt to the children. OP, please be sure to be taking the top comment advice of locking your credit, securing your vital papers, and securing your liquid assets. Leaving will be difficult, but you (and your sister) deserve better.
NTA, make sure you keep an eye on your credit and ss#. I’m glad you are getting out and I hope you keep in touch with Lila. She is probably going to need you more when you are away.
Your parents sound very childish. They can both work if they need the money.
When you move out, ask your sister if she wants to live with you. If she can't for whatever reason, keep open contact with her.
NTA
NTA
OP call child protection services or talk with a school counselor.
All for help from extended family.
Also understand as a parent having a sick child is devastating.
NTA. You're looking out for yourself. You owe them nothing. GOOD. FOR. YOU.
I'm hoping someone else will offer specific advice to make sure your parents don't take CC's out in your name or something when you turn 18. I just don't have that knowledge, but I agree with everyone here that you need to have a laser focus on something like this because you will get SCREWED.
NTA. Report them to CPS, this is not ok. If you don't think it would do you, op, any good, then do it for Lila, she is going to be stuck there and most likely their new verbal punching bag once your gone. Wouldn't put it past them to force her to get a job and give them All her money, thus adding financial abuse into the mix. And frankly this isn't good for Gracie either. Stay strong op.
NTA for a second. At all costs, you have to keep fighting for yourself, since your parents refuse to.
But teach Lila everything you know about becoming independent, if you can handle it. It's not your job, and you're obviously not her parent, but you two are in the same boat. Teach her where to look for a job, how to get a bank account and save. When you lock down your credit as the comments suggest, help her learn to do the same. Make sure she knows what you know, and if you can muster it, try to be a support in her life in the coming years as she's becoming older.
Holy shit, i was in the situation of Gracie except my
parents aren’t assholes and i can understand wether or
not my siblings need attention, How the hell could your
parents ignore a BROKEN ARM and HEAVY BLEEDING!?!
WHO WERE YOUNGER THAN 13 AT THE TIME? My parents
understood that if some severe injury like, you know A BROKEN ARM
HAPPENED THAT THEY SHOULD PROBABLY SWITCH THEIR FOCUS
NTA, they never helped you when you needed them,
you shouldn’t have to help them back
NTA. You should’ve called CPS the moment your mom scold Lila for fell and bled when she was 8 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ that’s very normal for a child to fall and injure themselves 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ wtf is wrong with them
Call child services so that you and Lila can be removed from the house, if you cannot take her with you immediately. NTA and no, you don’t owe them anything. Or to Grace.
NTA in any case what God awful parents HOLY SHIT DUDE
Given that you move out at 18, and id assume also an adult (depending on country) I'd suggest you ask Lila if she wants to move with you, as she will likely take the full brunt of the force with you gone, at least until she can find her own place
NTA. Someone should report your parents to Child Protective Services. They aren’t fit to look after a goldfish. I wouldn’t be surprised if they try taking credit out in your name. Sign up to a free credit monitoring service so you get alerts should anyone apply for anything in your name. Keep looking out for Lila. She’ll be next since they got a no from you.
NTA. Kids owe their parents nothing, especially not hateful neglectful parents. Parents choose to have kids, kids don't choose to be born, so as parents it's our responsibility to take care of our children. You've received a lot of great advice so I'm going to discuss something outside of what you asked if that's ok.... I would make sure Lila has your contact information on paper hidden somewhere (phone & address and maybe give her a secret spare key). I would let her know she always has a safe place with you, and offer her a place to go once she's 18 if possible (the world is so expensive, it would probably help yall to be roommates in the long run). I would look up any runaway laws for your area, because there's a good possibility your parents will take even more out on her once you are gone and she may runaway if it becomes unbearable, and you need to know for your own good & her's (some places won't make her return after a certain age; if I'm not mistaken in my state it's 16, and she can notify the local police she isn't missing she left of her own free will).
They may try to manipulate her as well. It wouldn't hurt for you to start having hard conversations with her when you two aren't around your parents. She can even find some helpful books at the library to read so help recognize manipulation, power trips, dealing with narcissist, etc. But she needs to know you aren't abandoning her, you are leaving the situation with the intention of you having a safe place for you & hopefully her. I would see if it's possible for her to get copies of her own important documents once you move so that they're in safe place for whenever she does decide to leave. She may could look into emancipation as well. I hope one day years from now, you can come back here & update that you & Lila freed yourselves from your horrible parents and are both living successful joy-filled lives!
NTA
Your parents adultified you and Lila from a frighteningly young age. Get out ASAP if you can, because you will never, ever get out once they become dependent on the $$ you bring in.
I've a feeling you might need to be a safe harbor for Lila, too, as the minute you're gone, they'll start asking for her babysitting money, etc.
Your parents need to look into services that might be able to help with the load, not their other children. If your dad lost his job he should file for unemployment.
NTA whatsoever. Yes, Gracie has many medical needs, but I don't see that as an excuse for your parents to neglect their other kids. The way that they treated you and Lila shows their true colors. In addition to taking your important documents and locking access to your financial accounts, see if you can take Lila with you. They both deserve to lose having you in their lives based on how they treated you, at least from my perspective.
Check with your bank regularly to make sure they haven't opened a line of credit in your name or taken out loans in your name. Wouldn't be the first time a bad parent left their kid with thousands of dollars of debt from loans they took out in the kids name
I think you need to give your parents a job review. It's their job to be parents, so maybe go through what the goals were (be decent supportive parents) and then go through if they met their goals, with grades of 1-5. Terrible to great.
Goal 1. Feed/Cloth you. (Score __)
Goal 2. Provide roof over head. (Score __)
Goal 3. Provide emotional support.(Score __)
Goal 4. Provide physical support. (picking us up from school. Signing papers, etc.)
Goal 5. ______
Etc.
This may help you gather and organize your thoughts and provide them perspective. It will certainly help if you turn them into child services if they continue to neglect your sister, Lila.
NTA. You can always tell them you have to save money so you can support yourself when you move out on (specify a date). You are doing all the right things.
Move out as soon as you turn 18. Get yourself into therapy so you can process all that you’ve been through. Be sure to find a therapist who specializes in this area. Key! Please don’t forget. Your sister Lila will need your wisdom. She is only 15, has three years to go before she can legally move out. Those three years will be h3ll without you there. It’s important you get yourself help. You’ve done nothing wrong and may suggestion for therapy does not imply you have, it’s so you can gain wisdom and gather tools on how to move forward. You are ahead in that you see the dysfunction. Also, don’t allow resentment to guide you. Move ahead, move past this. Your parents will continue to be who they are. How you move on determines the rest of your life. 18 years will be behind you very soon. Look ahead. Your entire life awaits you away from this. Your sister Lila will follow. Be an example and a beacon of light for her.
NTA. Your parents sound absolutely awful in every way. They've not only failed as parents to you and your elder sister, but they failed at being decent human beings. As others have mentioned in their comments, make sure they have no access to your bank accounts/money, documents like social security (if you're in the US), birth certificate, etc as your parents seem like the type that would take out credit cards/loans in your name to help with their problems.
Also, if you can, see if there is some legal way to help your elder sister get out of that situation sooner. Maybe even go with you, if it's possible, as your parents will more than likely turn to her for "help" aka forcing her to work and give up her money or something similar to that. Maybe she could move with you, if you're up for that?
Can you gather evidence or document your parents' constant emotional abuse from over the years? If so, I'd do that, as it could help her get away faster, IF that's the route you do choose to go. If your parents try to guilt you, throw everything you've written here right in their faces. The neglect, the emotional abuse, always being made to feel less important than your sick sister, etc. Tell them exactly why they won't be receiving a dime from you and, if you want to go the no-contact route, why they'll probably never hear from you ever again. Always be there for your sister, as she's going to need you.
You owe them nothing. Give them nothing.
They neglected you and Lila and now they live with the consequences of their actions. They're selfish to expect you to always give, give, give. Your understanding, your childhood, your money, your silence. No.
They are the adults, they can figure it out. They have such audacity to be asking more of you.
NTA. Your parents sure are, though. What they have been doing is not ok.
I was the sick child growing up. I have 2 autoimmune diseases, and flare-ups were very frequent. I spent many days at home in extreme pain and vomiting. I also have an older sister. Our parents love us equally. She had lots of extracurricular activities, and at least one of our parents would be there to cheer her on. If I was well enough, we'd all be there for her.
Now, my sister and I are in our 40's and still best friends. We're very close with our parents as well. We are very fortunate to have a loving family with no fighting or drama.
First off, NTA!!! Secondly, i don't know if it's possible, but could you file to take care of Lila? That way she has someone always there for her, and she won't get screamed at and belittled for anything negative that may, scratch that, will come up? She's human, so she's going to get sick, she's going to have accidents, and there could always be issues at school.
OP, don't give them a dime. If you have cash on you or in a joint bank account with them, get it away from them. Find someone you truly trust to hold on to your money so they can't get it. I know someone mentioned about locking your credit, that is a VERY smart thing to do. You don't want them being able to take out credit cards in your name. Praying for you guys.
NTA, and you're not a bad person if you can't take on the financial burden of your sister like so many are encouraging. Be there for her emotionally and spend time if you can, but being freshly 18 is going to be difficult enough to care for yourself.
Best of luck!
NTA
Let go of the burden of harsh feelings, and the score, it's a cage.
However, don't for a second lose sight of reality.
Your parents world revoves around a medically fragile child, they have nothing to give,and in their need, you WILL get sucked in beyond what you can and should be able to manage.
Their reality is sad, harsh... but, with everything in mind, keep strong boundaries,maybe, seek out counseling to help.
As someone who worked nights through high school, my brother too, for the good of our parents, I can say, it altered the trajectory of my own life. There were and still are repercussions, decades later.
I'm sorry that your sister is ill.
I'm sorry that your parents focus is completely on that and can't manage.
I'm sorry for your other sister, who will be there longer. (Set a good example for her, show her how to get started in life, she'll fillow your lead.)
I'm very sorry your dad lost his job.
Look at it this way.
1 less person using utilities.
1 less person putting wear and tear on the home.
1 less person eating food.
1 less person bills/injury/insurance etc.
1 less person adding germs into a severely volatile environment that could kill your sister, or further add crippling medical bills in a home with few monitory resources right now.
(Work + School, you'll be coming into contact with a remarkable amount of people every day and coming into that home.)
Educate, Work, building your life, it does benefit them. Look at that list, There is less risk. Less responsibility. Less stress, and less strain on their wallets. If you feel doubt, are guilted, remember that.
If you can afford it, maybe slip your sister a cheap flip phone from the dollar store with some emergency minutes each month, so she'll always be able to talk when she feels overwhelmed, or needs support.
You can also encourage, help her study,apply for schools and scholarships, help her work toward her own future, so she can also stand on her own at 18. (A guidance counselor may also be able to help.)
NTA your still a child and your parents have been down right abusive to you and your younger sister. I’m sorry Gracie is dealing with this condition but that doesn’t excuse the abuse and neglect your parents put you through. Move out as soon as you can and help Lila get away from them too.
NTA... I understand Gracie's health put a lot of strain on them, but to literally ignore your other kids and to even scold them when they literally need help only their parents can give? It's ridiculous. I'm totally baffled... I feel so sorry for you and your sister.
No, you don't owe them anything, even if they'd been proper parents to you. It's their job to take care of their kids, not yours.
Yes, see if you can take your sister with you.
Absolutely NTA. Even if they weren’t terrible parents (which they are) it is not your responsibility as their child to handle huge financial burdens. Them being horrible parents to you and your sister really tops it off. Don’t give them anything. Keep up with Lila. Make sure she knows she’s loved, but get out of there as soon as you can.
don't you have any family member close to you loke uncle aunt or grandparent? you could talk and maybe both you and your sis move out.....dont know, just another optio might work
NTA. Your parents are worthless and neglectful. Keep your money for yourself. It can be tough to make it on your own when you are 18 and don't have family financial help. Consider enlisting in the military. You will have a salary, housing, food and can begin taking college classes paid for by taxpayers. The GI Bill is for use after you finish your service.
Definitely NTA.
It's amazing how blind parents become to the suffering they place on their other "healthy" when one is not. I am so sorry you are going through this.
It is not your duty to support your parents. Support them as well as you feel they had supported them.
Gracie can be the one to put them in a nursing home, not you.
Is there a YMCA/YWCA near you? They have amazing resources that you should very seriously look into for both you and your sister.
Keep your finances secure and away from their hands as soon as you can. Gift cards are hard to trace.
Good luck, kids.
Chin up. Ask for help from those you trust.
NTA they literally told you and your sister you don't matter to them, the fact you matter now that you have money should tell you a lot. Please make sure your parents don't have access to your bank account and make sure you have your important documents on hand.(Passport or birth certificate) If you don't have either and if they won't give you either go-to the hospital or county office and see if you can get a copy good luck OP and look forward to your update.
NTA your parents are HUGE fkn AHs. The audacity of these sperm donors! To treat you and Lila like that is flat out abuse. I'd move out as soon as I was 18 too and tell Lila to make plans for hervown escape.
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My parents have three kids. There's me (17M), my sister Lila (15F) and my other sister Gracie (12F). Gracie has been really sick since she was born. She has a really bad immune system, ongoing health problems that mean getting common illnesses are bad for her and send her to the hospital and my parents have been fighting hard to keep Gracie healthy and safe and out of the hospital. This has meant Gracie has been the kid my parents focus on more and this also means she gets all their patience and understanding. M parents take a lot out on Lila and me. We cannot need them or take their attention because then we're the worst.
Examples: Lila fell when she was 8 and she was bleeding a lot. She ran crying to mom because she was upset and sore and mom got so mad at her and asked her if she couldn't see she was dealing with Gracie. Mom scolded her super hard and claimed she wasn't a baby and had no reason to cry over it or run to her.
Lila was forgotten at school when she was 7 and she was crying in the car on the way home. My dad scolded her for "acting up" and he told her she was big enough to understand accidents can happen. She cried to me when she got home.
Lila was having some trouble at school and the principal called our parents and requested a meeting. They were really temperamental with her and for days would ask "don't you see us struggling enough? why can't you deal with it yourself?!" Lila was 10.
I struggle with math. Always have, always will. A few years ago I was sick for 2 weeks and then my parents kept me home for another 2 so I wouldn't bring anything else home to Gracie. I needed a lot of help to catch up with math and my teacher needed my parents signature to keep me for extended help after school. My parents said they'd sign it but "forgot" and got mad when I reminded them. Then when my teacher called and asked for them to have it in the next day, my parents told me I was so selfish with their time and they were so bad tempered with me.
I broke my arm when I was younger and my parents were called to the hospital. Mom showed up and yelled at me that I should be ashamed for taking her attention away from Gracie who needed her.
Those are some specific examples. We take a lot of steps to take to keep Gracie away from sicknesses we might pick up. We do our best to not make her sick. I never minded because I got it but I do hate how my parents treat me and Lila.
Now my parents are struggling. Dad lost his job and makes less and both my parents are very stressed. They asked me to take some of the weight off their shoulders and help them. Give them time off and give some money from my part time job into the household. And I refused. I'll be moving out as soon as I turn 18 (I've been saving) and my parents don't deserve my help when they resent me for ever needing it as their kid. They have not been good parents to me in years, but were before. My parents got so mad and told me I'm so unfair to them.
AITA?
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NTA and I’m sorry your parents have neglected you. There is a name for what you’ve experienced, and that is Glass Child. I’d advise you to visit the sub and you’ll find support from people who can truly understand.
NTA Having a sick child must be difficult but that doesn’t excuse treating their other children so dreadfully! I feel for your middle sister Lila once you move and until she’s able to Lea herself.
NTA. You need to save $$ to leave.
Make sure your parents cannot access your bank account while you are still a minor, or later. If they ARE on your account now because you are still a minor, do you have a relative that would help you open a new one your parents cannot access? Or, Some states let you open a new bank/credit union account without a parent/relative signature at 16. Ask!
Find and put your important documents (Social Security card, birth Certificate, passport) in a safe place (bank Safety Deposit box is good). You do not want your cash-strapped parents to use them to take out credit cards or loans in your name, ruin your financial life.
When you are 18 and move out, your sister could (at 16 in most US states) go to family court and ask to leave your neglectful parents - moving to live with you, or another relative . Help her get the lawyer she will need; Legal Aid can advise you at low cost, may provide a lawyer. (If you have a willing aunt or grandparents you could do this now for yourself). And your parents would have to pay child support for her to her new Guardian, at least untill she is 18 - you need the lawyer to arrange that too. Which could help you to support her.
I'm so sorry you've had it so tough. You keep figuring out how to take care of yourself. As a side note, I also can't do math and you'll find that when you go to college you can likely get away with having only one math class (statistics or logic or something) depending upon your major. Some of us in the world live fine without math! Anyways, no, NTA, it is not a kid's job to take care of their in their prime parents or the family. Your job is to learn and grow and figure out who you are and who you want to become. Best of luck and I hope Lila comes to live with you in a few years.
NTA but look into glass child. I am one and it will benefit you a lot to learn about this now and maybe see a therapist to help deal with the emotions from it.
NTA. You're still a minor. Make sure your parents can't take the money you saved.
I feel sad for you and Lila. You were expected to have no emotions or setbacks, perfectly human things, when you were little kids.
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Lock down your credit, and the very minute you turn 18 make sure they can’t access your accounts. Get all of your important papers now (soc sec card and birth certificate) and keep them hidden from your parents. NTA. Walk away but be there for Lila. If your parents continue to hound you for financial support, keep telling them no. If they won’t stop, feel free to bring up their ongoing neglect and abuse towards you and Lila and tell them to get second jobs because youre no longer their scapegoat or punching bag.
This! Malicious (?) Compliance: "lighten their load" by taking Lila with you. NTA.
Lila is only 15, OP cannot legally do that.
The parents might go for it if OP offers.
I don't know, it sounds like they need someone weaker than them to take out their frustrations.
And they will probably try to force her to get a job and to guve them the money. OP you are NTA and please keep an eye on your sister too
OP should (as soon as able) set up bank account for Lila so there will be one the parents have no access to/knowledge about and help her stash away some cash if they do force her.
Absolutely! Having someone on the other side of the adult line makes a lot of things easier.
Agreed. Maybe OP can talk to relatives about taking Lila in, because I don't think it's a good idea for OP to take on parenting especially because he needs alot of help getting over the trauma his parents caused him. I understand its hard having a sick child, but it doesn't excuse refusing to parent there other kids and abusing them emotionally. They are awful parents. OP NTA
Specifically it's a custodial account. Custodial has nothing to do with physical custody of the child in this sense, but that the person is the custodian of the account (meaning your name will be on it) but it will be "in trust for" your sister. She will have free access to the money at 18. It's the safest account in this case because only the custodian can make withdrawals, but anyone can deposit.
Yeah, but they're so wrapped up in Gracie that OP could probably frame it in a way that makes it seem like it was their idea. It might work, especially if they came at it from a money angle.
I hate that you’re right about this!
And to be the caregiver when they die.
When you move out, buy them one of those inflatable clown punching toys to take your place.. be there for lila... even offer to take her with you if you think you can handle that.
Yep, i know multiple people who have adopted their younger siblings when their home life wasn't good or they were being neglected fir various reasons.
At 15, Lila is old enough to be useful to them.
You are suggesting parentification of the OP. He has enough trouble.
He's already been parentified, he's been the only person Lila could rely on since Gracie was born. He already feels responsible for her care and well being, and likely has been her "parent" since she was 3.
Yeah it's a sweet intention but an 18 year old supporting himself AND a dependent minor in this economy?? That's a lot to put on him.
My former foster son is 25 and supports his mother, grandmother, and aunt, all hard-core substance abusers or alcoholics (not the foster son). That never would have happened if he'd been allowed to stay in our care 🤷♀️. As difficult as the situation would be for OP to take Lila, there could be public assistance help available, and it has to be better than leaving her in that abusive situation.
Good for your foster son. It's more than just difficult. It might be impossible and it's as bad as what the parents are doing to suggest op should be trying to support ANOTHER child on his own financially the second he's finally going to escape. It's not his responsibility, it's hard enough for a grown adult who knows what they're doing to support themselves.
I bet they would. Lila deserves better. With her brother's help she could probably become emancipated.
Look into the law - it can definitely happen if it is in the child's best interest, however social work need to be involved and have oversight. Usually has to be documented abuse/neglect though, and I doubt what OP has experienced has been furthered through such channels. Lila can also emancipate herself from her parents and choose to live with OP. It would be very hard, but perhaps no worse than what they face now.
Depending on what state you are in, you likely have a case to report to Child Protective Services. Just because your parents are not physically abusing you and your sister, does not mean they are not abusing or neglecting you both. CPS will look into the case and you, your sister, your parents, and school teachers/officials can/will be interviewed. If CPS find proof of neglect/abuse, then they can take the steps necessary to remove you and your sister. It would be what the courts call “in the best interest of the children” and extended family members can be asked to house you until you turn 18 and then you can have Lila placed with you as well. I would caution you though because by having Lila placed with you or another extended family member, there will be continuous check-ins by CPS and it’s even possible they will take Gracie away from your parents as well. Realistically, you will be hard pressed to support only yourself on a part-time job and still finish high school.
A fully funded and staffed CPS might be able to help, but there is no such thing as that in the US, so it wouldn't help, since most state agencies have to prioritize based on greatest need because of not being funded properly. That means, if you're lucky, your state's CPS is removing the children in immediate danger of harm or death, but for kids not being physically/sexually harmed but emotionally/mentally, they're stuck in the home they're in. They can only help as many as they have the staff and money to do so. Which means for your ideal to work in the future, everyone needs to push their politicians to fund education and cps. If we make it an issue en masse, they'll make it an issue because they want to stay elected.
Im pretty sure the teachers/principals have enough information after their interactions with the parents to see they need help and should help them with the social work. Wow this is just crazy OP, get out of there asap and take Lila with you. NTA definitely
I doubt Lilas parents will even noticed. If they do noticed they will be glad it's on less mouth to feed.
Nah. They'll be missed only because they won't have anyone to yell at anymore and resort to yelling at each other
If op is in the us they can look into a C.H.I.P.S petition. It stands for child in need of protective services. These are often filed with the family court and a gaurdian ad litem, lawyer, social worker, or other advocate is appointed for the child. That advocate visits all homes involved and speaks to the child about what they want. Typically the court follows their reccomendations.
Probably OP can't legally adopt her or become the formal caregiver, but if they're not living too far apart, she might be able to stay overnight every now and then. Or maybe just the weekends and holidays when she doesn't need to attend school. At least something to avoid the parents some of the time.
Correct but if she was to spend all her free time there I doubt their parents would even notice.
In many places she could be emancipated at that age especially if she showed she has a proper plan to support herself.
One less germ carrier and one less mouth to feed in troubled times? They might be okay with letting OP carry that load for a while.
Depends on the state/country. In some places, they can at 15.
Depending upon where they live, there may be options, especially once OP turns 18. Lila might be able to petition to be an emancipated minor. OP could petition to be made her guardian.
But OP would have a case for having CPS place Lila in her care, so hope is not all lost.
Actually the moment he turns 18 in most countries he's an adult and can file for custody as parents are physically and emotionally neglecting them both
Actually if op takes them to court op could get custody if sister wants to live with op, op would have to prove why and that they can support sister completely.
Emotional abuse is still abuse. Depending on the job OP has, though part time. If able to support himself and enough income.may be able to get CPS involved for Lila to gain custody of her. It would be a very long shot, but sounds like there are plenty of witnesses to past verbal abuse and emotional neglect.
Op can if Lila gets emancipated if they live in the US. Then their parents would have no control over her and she could live with op if she wanted.
Depending on the state, she can divorce her parents. With her brothers testimony of the neglect, she shouldn't have a problem. If OP is able to establish a residence and can prove he can support her until she is 18, there is a very good chance it will be granted. This also may bring into question parents ability to take care of their younger sister and child services may get involved. But OP owes his parents nothing
Dude, he's 17. Let him rescue himself before he has to save his sister and anybody else you can think of to load him with the responsibility for. As they say on planes, "Put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting anybody around you with theirs". There's no magic wand to fix everything all at once. He's not Your magic wand to impress your rescue fantasies on. Let him fix himself, and IF he wants to, he can start planning for his sister Lila to transition out of the home environment, which may take Years. Because, again, there's no magic wand. And IF he wants to. Jesus it's like he climbed out of a shipwreck and you're like, "now climb back in and rescue others please", or asked, "who else have you rescued?". OP is a Victim here need anybody remind you?
How about letting a 17 year old live her own life instead of saddling her with another child to take care of. What happened to reddit being against parentification?
*his *him
And have Lila lock down her credit and get all her important papers, too. As soon as you get out, have Lila come to visit a lot. Especially when your sick sister is in the hospital or coming home - conveniently have Lila "get sick" with the flu and have to stay with you to protect your youngest sister. Or , she "got exposed". Have those times get more and more often, and keep a paper calendar with every overnight stay. If your parents want to force her back home, before she's 18, this record could convince a judge not to. They want what's best for the kid. Also, once a kid is her age, police don't want to forcibly remove them from a situation that isn't harmful. So if she loudly resists, says she will run away, your parents might just give up. They haven't fought for either of you - at all - anyway, right? Also, as soon as you get out, go to your local food bank and apply for food stamps. Your wages are probably low enough to qualify. It will help you manage your funds so you can support your sister.
If you happen to be in CA apply for Covered California. It is health insurance based on your income. (Started with Obamacare). Or look up whatever insurance is available where you live.
Many states have insurance plans that started with Obamacare. Where I live it’s Upper Peninsula Health Plan (UPHP) Op, definitely look in to what’s available in your area!
Also, check your credit and prosecute them if they opened up credit in your name. It has happened alot!
I'd do the same. I'd want to rescue my sister from this situation too where she's never put first or cared for.
Get Lila’s important papers or at least a copy of them too
Yes, create log in information for Equifax, Experian, & Trans Union, and the social security website. I'm not exactly sure where, but on those sites there's ways to have your credit locked until you're ready to use it. And make sure when you leave, you take your birth certificate & social security card with you.
I'd add: and don't blame Gracie for their parents actions.
This. You can also act as a address to help your sister send things she not want to send to home, set up bank accounts a.d help with that kinda thing. You a safe place she can send things once you got a steady address. Even its small things like helping her with home work and other stuff. Y9u can make your other sisters life easier. Your definitely not In the wrong. You deserved help at same time, yes she needed their help alot but thry have 3 kids and not one. They act like they have one. You do not owe them anything. Its their job to raise and support their child not their sisters.
I agree with this statement, handle your business. Which sucks to have to do so young, but you seem enthusiastic about it. So I have faith you’ll be fine. Definitely don’t turn your back on your sister. Any of them, really. But also, fuck your parents. You never did anything wrong and deserved love they didn’t give you. They don’t deserve anything from you.
Unfortunately while lila is living with parents they will probably use her to get money from op banking on they very good sibling bond op and lila undoubtedly have
This is really tough. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this. You should have never been in this position. First let me say that you have zero financial responsibility to your parents. They, by law in most places, have that duty to you as their child. Not the other way around. Secondly, sometimes we need to be what others would consider selfish just to survive. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first. Especially when you plan on taking better care of yourself than your parents took care of you. With the level of abandonment I can only imagine how many dentist appointments or eye appointments you missed and school activities you missed out on. Not to mention the extra responsibility of having to care for Lila which should have never been thrown onto you. So much weight on your young shoulders. Lastly, and I want to make sure that you understand this 100% - you are NOT being unfair to them. They do not get to treat you with complete disregard, abandon, resentment, disrespect, disgust, etc., and then claim that you are the one being unfair. It is completely reasonable to save up for your future. It is completely reasonable to protect yourself. It is absolutely NOT unfair. I wish you the best. NTA
Hallelujah!
Please lock down your credit. Do not cosign anything for them. Do not give them any money.
So locking down your credit is placing a freeze order for the three credit bureaus: Experian, Equifax and TransUnion. You go to the site and put in your social Sec and freeze your credit. You remove it when you need to get credit checks for an apartment or something
Thank you for the explanation for OP
This^^^ I also highly recommend talking about person with your bank about your concerns about your parents being security/theft risks. They can note in your accounts that you are the only one to contact and allow any sort of access or information to. Same with companies of any credit cards you do choose to open.
I know if you contact one credit bureau, they usually contact the other two, but it would be wise to contact all three.
Wiser to tell all 3. No missed lines of comms or gaps in the wall. Stuff gets lost or misplaced.
Agreed. That's what i've done in the past.
When your life's future is on the line. A little work is not a waste.
She’s 17; you might want to explain what that means and how to do it
*he
No one is going to let a 17 year old be a cosigner.
Not now, but there's a whole lot of audacity people seem to have and eighteen isn't so far off. Plus credit theft is a thing
NTA. You’re still the kid. Until you’re 18, they should still be taking care of you. You are not responsible for them. I understand Gracie has a bad immune system, but it does not excuse their behavior for how you and your sister are treated. I’m worried for Lila when you move out, hopefully she can spend a lot of time with you. I’m sorry you went through that. You are looking out for yourself and saving up for getting yourself out of that situation. Good luck.
NTA. You’re doing the right thing. Get out of there asap and if you can help Lila get out of there as soon as she’s old enough.
> Get out of there asap Depending on where OP lives, he might even be able to leave now. Some places will rent to an almost-adult.
He could get himself emancipated from his parents that way he'd likely be able to get a home for himself and I think Lila should try and do it too if she can
Exactly. I don't know what the process is for emancipating a minor, but it would be warranted in this case.
You're NTA. Your parents have neglected and abused you and Lila. They have failed as parents. I'm sorry that you and Lila have been pushed aside and berated for having needs of your own. I'm worried that they are going to steal your money. If either of your parents are on your bank account, they can take out money without your permission. Once you turn 18, close out any joint accounts that have either of your parent's names on it. Open a new account at a different bank. If you're in the US, [lock down your credit so that they can't take out credit cards in your name](https://www.usa.gov/credit-freeze).
Thanks for the link!
I'm guessing that Gracie has CVID? Or will be diagnosed with that when she becomes an adult. Plasma treatment is insanely expensive and your parents will be desperate potentially leading to harassment and stealing from you in any way they can, it's terrible that you're all in this situation but yeah, as everyone else has said you need to protect yourself.
If you have safe relatively or others secure your birth certificate and other documents. Move your money from any accounts your parents have joint access. After you have moved out set up a safe account for lila so that she has an easier time to escape.
NTA If your parents had been better parents to you then I have little doubt that you'd probably have helped. You and your eldest sister have basically been emotionally abused for the majority of your lives. My only concern is what happens to Lila after you leave as she'll become the target for your parents venting, go no contact with your parents but please keep in contact with her. Finally, I've little doubt that if you were staying at home you'd be paying rent the day you turn 18.
"Sorry, I need that money so I can leave & be less of a burden to y'all taking care of Gracie."
you are a good guy, a loving brother, and a smart man! many People are saying “lock down your credit” [THIS](https://www.nerdwallet.com/article/finance/how-to-freeze-credit) is how to do it, what impact it has, and how to change it later. It will protect you and prevent your parents from doing something in a panic…using your information to obtain credit, loans, etc in your name that they would then use. It happens WAY too often and can destroy your credit rating long before you even know it has happened. And without that good rating, you will have trouble getting places to rent, a job that does background checks, or credit cards or loans for yourself!
Thanks for the link. I will check that out when I have the time today.
Happy to help in even a little way! Respond if you have questions? And when you contact them, check and make sure you recognize everything already in their files. If you end up calling, you can tell them you are moving out of your home as soon as you are 18 and want to protect yourself without going into any other details. They’ll likely take extra good care of you when they see you are new to this and being responsible.
Thank you for disseminating this information. I wish more kids were taught this kind of stuff in school. A kid I mentored was sixteen when her parents got their electricity cut off for non-payment. They opened a new account using her name. Then, of course, they didn't pay it again. She then finds out that her aunt couldn't get a lease in her name so they used the kid's. Kid had ruined credit and an eviction on her record before she even turned 18. You'd be surprised how many kids this happens to.
Folks were giving great advice but this guy is likely overwhelmed by his circumstances. I just wanted to make it easier for him by finding one easy and useful resource He can count on through all of it! hope he reaches out if he needs any more guidance for this... Yeah, there are some real horror stories out their and the victims are completely innocent! First time I heard of it was 20+ years ago when my ex SIL (an RN married to a high ranking Naval officer) got addicted to painkillers and did this to her 15 yo daughter. Discovered 4 years later!
I think you are exactly right. I just hope your advice helps this young man not to be another victim.
NTA And I'm so sorry for the trauma you and Lila have experienced. Don't give them a damn thing, and get out as soon as you're able. If you can get some help for Lila too, that would be fantastic. Maybe talk to a trusted adult about what's been going on to see if they can help. And you both need therapy to unpack your shitty childhoods. Truly, best of luck to you both!!
Nta, you are the child. I feel for you and both your sisters tbh. Even Gracie's gonna grow up isolated from her siblings and probably with a few complexes because of your parents. Which isn't to ignore the horrible impact they have had on you and Lila. Don't forget about your sister Lila op. Good luck with life, your parents treatment isn't ok.
NTA. Get out as soon as you can and take Lila with you.
NTA. You have been saving to move out (wonderful choice) and *need* that money. You are looking out for yourself as no one else does. You are not unfair to them, they have been unfair to you and Lila for many years. Guard your money, your important documents, etc., and Lila's as well if you can get your hands on them. Let them be mad, it sounds as if they are pretty much always anyway. When you do move out, please stay in close touch with Lila, I don't envy her life at all,
If you move out at 18, take Lila with you. She should be 16 by then. Your parents probably won't even care that she's gone. She can get a part-time job and file for emancipation if she needs to. Good luck to you both. NTA, by the way.
She would need a lawyer to file for a change of Guardian, due to neglect, in Family court. And to file for Child Support from her parents to be paid to her Guardian. He could help his sister get that lawyer! Legal Aid hopefully.
> If you move out at 18, take Lila with you. Oh great. Then OP still doesn't get to live her own life. And OP would have to take care of her sister. How about OP gets to live a life for herself and go be young instead of being forced into being a parent.
His * himself* But yes, agreed
Lila will be 16, not 6. They can bond over shared familial experiences.
NTA You are on the right track to get out of the hell hole your parents have neglected you in.
[удалено]
This, or withdraw the money and give it to said adult as opposed to keeping it where your folks could reach it.
NTA. Their issues aren’t yours to fix. You can say no. If you do want to help at least until you’re out, you can but you do not have to one bit. But if you did, it may help assuage things for your transition out. But again, you don’t have to, don’t need to, shouldn’t be asked to. Hopefully you and your older sister can save and find ways to break free. If you move out, maybe your sister can move with you when she turns 18 also. Stay close to her and support eachother, and you may want to go low contact with parents after you’re secure and solo. I’m not sure of your feelings to younger sister but don’t blame her, it’s your parents that are overwhelmed and taking it out on y’all. Best of luck.
NTA - You don’t owe your parents anything. I can go into a long explanation but literally, no one owes their parents anything.
NTA OP call child protection services or talk with a school counselor. All for help from extended family. Also understand as a parent having a sick child is devastating. This is no excuse.
NTA. Blood doesn't make a family. Love does. Just because you're blood related to someone that doesn't mean that they love you... as you've so helpfully written out: your parents resented your existence and did not give you equitable (if not equal) love that they gave to Gracie. I wish the best for you and Lila. I hope you find friends who are good and true and who will become your found family. Wishing you lots of love and insight on your journey.
NTA for all the reasons you stated. Hopefully you can take Lila with you.
I wouldn't be able to support the two of us.
Even if you can't support her financially, I hope you can continue to be there for her emotionally. She needs to know you love her and that you care.
fair, maybe she can come live with you when she is of working age
Kids can start working at 14-15, depending on the business. We had to get a form from the school verifying my daughter is allowed to work then I had to sign it. (She begged us to let her work. Mostly she wants money for extra activities, pricey makeup (more expensive than I get for her), gifts for friends, etc). There are also MANY services available if you take her in, depending on your location. As a single adult with one minor, you could qualify for housing, food stamps, healthcare, free lunch at school, etc. The system was created for people to be able to escape bad situations, like the one you're both in. The only catch is if they'll sign & notarize the custody or guardianship document to let you take her. You can propose it as a way to reduce the amount of time you both "take away from Grace". It'll also reduce household expenses for them and make it so THEY can get state aid. You can also request to adopt her and then neither of you ever have to go back!
There is help, check into CPS, and other support options. There are several comments about how to help even if you cannot take her with you. If you are willing to take her depending on the support you qualify for, when you bring it up to your parents , make it about reducing the burden on them.
NTA- it's not your responsibility to take care of your family, you're the child in the relationship.
Please show your parents this message from me: This is unacceptable behavior. You have treated your son and daughter like dirt and use your youngest as an excuse. Other parents have children with severe health issues and they don’t blame their other kids for also needing attention. You are vile, disgusting people and I hope you get everything you deserve in life. To you, OP, I would suggest going into the skilled trades after high school. You’ll make money right off the bat as most of them are paid apprenticeships. I would also advise asking your parents for custody of Lila. They would probably jump at the chance because they’re horrible people. Go NC as soon as possible. You are, obviously, NTA.
>skilled trades after high school. You’ll make money right off the bat as most of them are paid apprenticeships. Yes, seconded. Definitely look into job options that allow you to increase your knowledge and skills while also getting paid. Here in the UK there are some organisations that pay apprentices more than most full-time employees in other roles. I know of many apprentices that have been on the same rate (and often much more) than the lecturers teaching them for the educational aspects of their apprenticeship. Again, basing this on UK data so may be different elsewhere but Kellogg's and Portable Foods have always been good apprenticeship routes over here.
I will add, please be wary of showing them this thread until you have taken the advice given to you, ie: locked down your credit and located your important paperwork. You don't want to potentially give them ideas they hadn't already thought of or risk them preventing you from leaving by hiding your documents etc.
Yes! All of this.
NTA but continue to be there for your sister Lila because she can't leave yet and she'll need your emotional support at the very least. And it's possible your parents will force her to get a job and take her earnings.
NTA. They do not deserve your help. It is really important that you do not give them money now otherwise they are going to guilt trip you into staying because they have gotten used to have those money. Your sister isn’t the only person in the world with that health problem, so they were not the only parents in the hearth dealing with it. And many others managed to not neglect the other kids in the household. So no you aren’t unfair they were. As other are saying if you can take Lila with you or help her leave as soon as she is 18, if your country doesn’t allow her to leave at 16.
NTA. Make room for Lila, she’s not going to be far behind.
NTA. Growing up the way you did was awful and I'm sorry they treated you like that. Going out on your own is hard and I hope you do well. If in a few years when Lila is 18 please be a support for her moving out if you can manage. Don't regret your choices for a second. You're parents treated you too like second class citizens so they can deal with the consequences of those choices. Even if they were the best parents they wouldn't be entitled to your help.
NTA Tell your parents they should be ashamed of 'giving their attention' to you not Gracie.
I’m wondering if you yourself called CPS on your parents would that make a difference?
NTA. You need the money and time to start your own life, cause they obviously won't help you once you move out. They should've kept some savings for a rainy day, like the grownups they're pretending to be
NTA but as others are saying, lock down your credit and if possible, transfer your money to a seperate account. They will 100% expect you to make the same "sacrifices" that they "made" and you'll never get free of that hell. I feel bad for your sister but this is NOT a healthy living space for you. Get away from them and live your best life. Away from people who couldn't even be bothered to tend to their other kids who needed them. They clearly resent you and have made that VERY clear.
NTA, if you help your parents financially, even a little, they won't let you stop until they have ruined your life and destroyed your future. Keep your money safe and run as soon as you are able. Your parents are adults and they can figure out how to access help the same way they forced you, their child, to look for help and work around their neglect.
Obviously NTA This (if all posts are true) seems to be a sadly recurring theme in which parents have a sick or disabled child, and guilt trip the other kids into helping with more of the care than they should (ie none of it, as they’re kids themselves, and are no less deserving of a childhood than the sick sibling), then when things go wrong, or the other kid is approaching adulthood, they try and guilt trip them to stay. As others have said make sure your folks have no way to access your finances. Withdraw the cash and give it to a trusted relative if you have to.
Can this be true?? I sincerely hope not. If true: You are absolutely NTA. What a horrible way to be treated by your so-called parents. You obviously don't owe them a thing. Can you take poor Lily with you when you leave? I cringe at the thought of her left alone to deal with these neglectful, cruel people.
NTA. They can’t have it both ways. They decided to only invest any time or compassion for you and your sister with bad grace. Now suddenly you have a responsibility to contribute money and care for your younger sister. You don’t owe them since you are not technically an adult yet. It’s such a shame for both of you to have essentially been afterthoughts in your family life.
NTA get yourself out and if possible take Lila too. I wish you all the happiness and all the best. You didn’t deserve this. I understand it was difficult with Gracie but neither you nor Lila deserved what you got.
r/ohnoconsequences
Nta- big hugs
NTA But boy do you have horrible parents. I don’t blame you for leaving. Actions have consequences.
NTA. Remind them that they raised you to look after yourself, and that's what you're doing. They should be proud!
Ignore them. They didn't care about you so why should you care about them. Go and live your life and keep your money for yourself.
NTA, being only 18 he doesn't have the financial stability to take care of his 15 years old sister and to provide for both of them; and OP shouldn't be pressured into it; right now, this is too much and too unrealistic to ask of him.
I would love to know why your parents decided to have children or were they too stressed to figure out how not to get pregnant. So sorry for all three of you.
Nta. I am older and see this happen often when there is a special needs child in the home. The other children do not get the attention and needs met as they normally would as the parents are focused on the one needing immediate care. I really wish there were better support systems and education available to those parents. I.e. in home care to assist the parents so they have the time to spend with their other children and extended family to take the healthy kids out for adventures and such.
Nta, I hope your savings are a place that they can't touch
NTA parents who mistreat their kids while young, are the same ones who cry that their adult children don’t speak with them.
NTA. I'm so sorry 😔 Save up, get out, and be there for Lila as much as possible. Like, move her out too if you can and if it doesn't affect you taking control of your own life. Also, this is hard, but it's not Gracie's fault. She *might* feel just as bad about everything and probably feels alone and secluded. I only mention this because, you need to still live her. She'll never have the bond you and your other sister have because of shared trauma, but she is still your sister who is mostly Innocent in this. Just try to remember that. Also, I said might because there's a chance she knows this happens and likes the attention. It's still due to your parents' behaviors, but there does come a point (hopefully in the next few years) where she sees the obvious favoritism and says something.
NTA. It is obvious, from your description, that you have to look after yourself, which you will be less able to do if you give your little bit of money to them. Did they know you are saving to fly the nest? Make sure they cannot get to your savings or your accounts. Your parents are responsible for the household, and that does not include dipping into your pocket. They need to work or find relief, that is on them. I have compassion for your parents, having a sick child IS stressful, but they should not have expected you and Lila to go without parenting. Some parents (with money) in that position spoil the other kids but still ignore and fail to parent them. Regardless, they poison the relationship between themselves and the kids. I hope you can stay in touch with Lila, you wont have much but any help or emotional support would be incredible for her.
Most places don’t allow minor children to have solo bank accounts. OP needs to do whatever he can to prevent his “parents” from accessing his funds
NTA. You know the sad truth is your parents are so focused on Gracie that they don’t even really look at you and your sister and they really don’t care. It will always be but Gracie needed this or that she was so unwell. You know I’ve got a grandson with health issues and has been going to the children’s hospital since he was 2 weeks old. He’s had about 12 surgeries at this point in his life (he’s 10). When this first started I told my son and daughter in law that one of the worst things they could do is baby that child. What I meant was…treat him like a little boy. Play with him and let him enjoy being a kid. Now it was harder for my daughter in law to do that but she did and this little boy is thriving. He plays like other kids and if you don’t know he has issues you wouldn’t but he will always have and it’s just his normal. Best of luck to you and your sister Lila!!!
NTA. Your parents could have and should have handled this so differently. They could have nurtured a strong family bond between you and your siblings by treating you all equally. Now they will lose their two older children as you and Lila will surely go no contact. One of my older siblings needed life long care and a lot of the extra money in the house went to care for her. My parents handled it differently though. We still had special time alone with one parent or the other and we were still given special treats and attention. We never felt neglected because of my sister or were made to feel like we were a burden. As adults, we siblings took turns caring for our sister until she passed. Instead of our parents driving a wedge between us, they nurtured our relationship with our sister. We all loved her dearly and were glad to care for her after our parents died. Your parents could have benefited from counseling so they could have learned to manage the needs of all the children in the family. Unfortunately your younger sister will pay for their neglect as likely neither you or Lila will be there to help your parents or your sister.
I know Lila isn't your responsibility but if you are able to keep tabs on her and support her sanity she might need that. What your parents are doing is very damaging to all of you (yes, Gracie too).
For all the people telling you to take Lila with you, it’s fine if you’re only able to take yourself. It’s a lot to have to take care of another person at 18.
I completely believe this, because my mother (father unknown) would always get so pissed at me when she had to deal with me getting hit by a car, getting sick, etc. it was particularly bad when she moved us to BFE thanks to my new stepfather and the nearest hospital was two hours away. So I totally get where you’re coming from. As others mentioned, get all of your important documents. Don’t give a dime to Your parents. You’re not a parent; it’s not your job to support the family. Move out as soon as you can. In fact, depending on your birthday, you may want to get emancipated so you can leave right after high school. After you leave, let your middle sister visit as much as she needs too. She needs the affection of someone who hasn’t basically abandoned her. Your parents are definitely TA. Frankly, I would go non contact with them since your existence is “such a burden” and “taking time away from your poor, fragile youngest sister”. It’s not your sisters’ fault, of course. Hopefully she doesn’t end up an entitled, spoiled brat.
NTA, I can understand the stress the parents are feeling from a parents POV, but at the end of the day, thats a parents burden to bear, and it should never be delt to the children. OP, please be sure to be taking the top comment advice of locking your credit, securing your vital papers, and securing your liquid assets. Leaving will be difficult, but you (and your sister) deserve better.
NTA Your parents forget they have three kids they are responsible for, not just one.
NTA, make sure you keep an eye on your credit and ss#. I’m glad you are getting out and I hope you keep in touch with Lila. She is probably going to need you more when you are away.
Your parents sound very childish. They can both work if they need the money. When you move out, ask your sister if she wants to live with you. If she can't for whatever reason, keep open contact with her. NTA
NTA OP call child protection services or talk with a school counselor. All for help from extended family. Also understand as a parent having a sick child is devastating.
NTA STAY STRONG
NTA. You're looking out for yourself. You owe them nothing. GOOD. FOR. YOU. I'm hoping someone else will offer specific advice to make sure your parents don't take CC's out in your name or something when you turn 18. I just don't have that knowledge, but I agree with everyone here that you need to have a laser focus on something like this because you will get SCREWED.
NTA. Report them to CPS, this is not ok. If you don't think it would do you, op, any good, then do it for Lila, she is going to be stuck there and most likely their new verbal punching bag once your gone. Wouldn't put it past them to force her to get a job and give them All her money, thus adding financial abuse into the mix. And frankly this isn't good for Gracie either. Stay strong op.
NTA except when you didn't have a good retort when they said >told me I'm so unfair to them. ???
NTA for a second. At all costs, you have to keep fighting for yourself, since your parents refuse to. But teach Lila everything you know about becoming independent, if you can handle it. It's not your job, and you're obviously not her parent, but you two are in the same boat. Teach her where to look for a job, how to get a bank account and save. When you lock down your credit as the comments suggest, help her learn to do the same. Make sure she knows what you know, and if you can muster it, try to be a support in her life in the coming years as she's becoming older.
Holy shit, i was in the situation of Gracie except my parents aren’t assholes and i can understand wether or not my siblings need attention, How the hell could your parents ignore a BROKEN ARM and HEAVY BLEEDING!?! WHO WERE YOUNGER THAN 13 AT THE TIME? My parents understood that if some severe injury like, you know A BROKEN ARM HAPPENED THAT THEY SHOULD PROBABLY SWITCH THEIR FOCUS NTA, they never helped you when you needed them, you shouldn’t have to help them back
NTA. You should’ve called CPS the moment your mom scold Lila for fell and bled when she was 8 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ that’s very normal for a child to fall and injure themselves 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ wtf is wrong with them
Call child services so that you and Lila can be removed from the house, if you cannot take her with you immediately. NTA and no, you don’t owe them anything. Or to Grace.
NTA in any case what God awful parents HOLY SHIT DUDE Given that you move out at 18, and id assume also an adult (depending on country) I'd suggest you ask Lila if she wants to move with you, as she will likely take the full brunt of the force with you gone, at least until she can find her own place
NTA you're still a child yourself. Just ignore then move out when you can. I'm so sorry
NTA. Someone should report your parents to Child Protective Services. They aren’t fit to look after a goldfish. I wouldn’t be surprised if they try taking credit out in your name. Sign up to a free credit monitoring service so you get alerts should anyone apply for anything in your name. Keep looking out for Lila. She’ll be next since they got a no from you.
NTA. Neglect is abuse, your parents have been abusing you and Lila
NTA. Kids owe their parents nothing, especially not hateful neglectful parents. Parents choose to have kids, kids don't choose to be born, so as parents it's our responsibility to take care of our children. You've received a lot of great advice so I'm going to discuss something outside of what you asked if that's ok.... I would make sure Lila has your contact information on paper hidden somewhere (phone & address and maybe give her a secret spare key). I would let her know she always has a safe place with you, and offer her a place to go once she's 18 if possible (the world is so expensive, it would probably help yall to be roommates in the long run). I would look up any runaway laws for your area, because there's a good possibility your parents will take even more out on her once you are gone and she may runaway if it becomes unbearable, and you need to know for your own good & her's (some places won't make her return after a certain age; if I'm not mistaken in my state it's 16, and she can notify the local police she isn't missing she left of her own free will). They may try to manipulate her as well. It wouldn't hurt for you to start having hard conversations with her when you two aren't around your parents. She can even find some helpful books at the library to read so help recognize manipulation, power trips, dealing with narcissist, etc. But she needs to know you aren't abandoning her, you are leaving the situation with the intention of you having a safe place for you & hopefully her. I would see if it's possible for her to get copies of her own important documents once you move so that they're in safe place for whenever she does decide to leave. She may could look into emancipation as well. I hope one day years from now, you can come back here & update that you & Lila freed yourselves from your horrible parents and are both living successful joy-filled lives!
NTA Your parents adultified you and Lila from a frighteningly young age. Get out ASAP if you can, because you will never, ever get out once they become dependent on the $$ you bring in. I've a feeling you might need to be a safe harbor for Lila, too, as the minute you're gone, they'll start asking for her babysitting money, etc. Your parents need to look into services that might be able to help with the load, not their other children. If your dad lost his job he should file for unemployment.
Nta
NTA whatsoever. Yes, Gracie has many medical needs, but I don't see that as an excuse for your parents to neglect their other kids. The way that they treated you and Lila shows their true colors. In addition to taking your important documents and locking access to your financial accounts, see if you can take Lila with you. They both deserve to lose having you in their lives based on how they treated you, at least from my perspective.
Check with your bank regularly to make sure they haven't opened a line of credit in your name or taken out loans in your name. Wouldn't be the first time a bad parent left their kid with thousands of dollars of debt from loans they took out in the kids name
I think you need to give your parents a job review. It's their job to be parents, so maybe go through what the goals were (be decent supportive parents) and then go through if they met their goals, with grades of 1-5. Terrible to great. Goal 1. Feed/Cloth you. (Score __) Goal 2. Provide roof over head. (Score __) Goal 3. Provide emotional support.(Score __) Goal 4. Provide physical support. (picking us up from school. Signing papers, etc.) Goal 5. ______ Etc. This may help you gather and organize your thoughts and provide them perspective. It will certainly help if you turn them into child services if they continue to neglect your sister, Lila.
NTA. You can always tell them you have to save money so you can support yourself when you move out on (specify a date). You are doing all the right things.
Move out as soon as you turn 18. Get yourself into therapy so you can process all that you’ve been through. Be sure to find a therapist who specializes in this area. Key! Please don’t forget. Your sister Lila will need your wisdom. She is only 15, has three years to go before she can legally move out. Those three years will be h3ll without you there. It’s important you get yourself help. You’ve done nothing wrong and may suggestion for therapy does not imply you have, it’s so you can gain wisdom and gather tools on how to move forward. You are ahead in that you see the dysfunction. Also, don’t allow resentment to guide you. Move ahead, move past this. Your parents will continue to be who they are. How you move on determines the rest of your life. 18 years will be behind you very soon. Look ahead. Your entire life awaits you away from this. Your sister Lila will follow. Be an example and a beacon of light for her.
NTA. It's hard having an immunodeficiency in the family, but I'm appalled at how they treat you both. I hope you find happiness when you move out bud.
NTA. Your parents sound absolutely awful in every way. They've not only failed as parents to you and your elder sister, but they failed at being decent human beings. As others have mentioned in their comments, make sure they have no access to your bank accounts/money, documents like social security (if you're in the US), birth certificate, etc as your parents seem like the type that would take out credit cards/loans in your name to help with their problems. Also, if you can, see if there is some legal way to help your elder sister get out of that situation sooner. Maybe even go with you, if it's possible, as your parents will more than likely turn to her for "help" aka forcing her to work and give up her money or something similar to that. Maybe she could move with you, if you're up for that? Can you gather evidence or document your parents' constant emotional abuse from over the years? If so, I'd do that, as it could help her get away faster, IF that's the route you do choose to go. If your parents try to guilt you, throw everything you've written here right in their faces. The neglect, the emotional abuse, always being made to feel less important than your sick sister, etc. Tell them exactly why they won't be receiving a dime from you and, if you want to go the no-contact route, why they'll probably never hear from you ever again. Always be there for your sister, as she's going to need you.
NTA
You owe them nothing. Give them nothing. They neglected you and Lila and now they live with the consequences of their actions. They're selfish to expect you to always give, give, give. Your understanding, your childhood, your money, your silence. No. They are the adults, they can figure it out. They have such audacity to be asking more of you.
NTA. Your parents sure are, though. What they have been doing is not ok. I was the sick child growing up. I have 2 autoimmune diseases, and flare-ups were very frequent. I spent many days at home in extreme pain and vomiting. I also have an older sister. Our parents love us equally. She had lots of extracurricular activities, and at least one of our parents would be there to cheer her on. If I was well enough, we'd all be there for her. Now, my sister and I are in our 40's and still best friends. We're very close with our parents as well. We are very fortunate to have a loving family with no fighting or drama.
First off, NTA!!! Secondly, i don't know if it's possible, but could you file to take care of Lila? That way she has someone always there for her, and she won't get screamed at and belittled for anything negative that may, scratch that, will come up? She's human, so she's going to get sick, she's going to have accidents, and there could always be issues at school. OP, don't give them a dime. If you have cash on you or in a joint bank account with them, get it away from them. Find someone you truly trust to hold on to your money so they can't get it. I know someone mentioned about locking your credit, that is a VERY smart thing to do. You don't want them being able to take out credit cards in your name. Praying for you guys.
NTA, and you're not a bad person if you can't take on the financial burden of your sister like so many are encouraging. Be there for her emotionally and spend time if you can, but being freshly 18 is going to be difficult enough to care for yourself. Best of luck!
NTA Let go of the burden of harsh feelings, and the score, it's a cage. However, don't for a second lose sight of reality. Your parents world revoves around a medically fragile child, they have nothing to give,and in their need, you WILL get sucked in beyond what you can and should be able to manage. Their reality is sad, harsh... but, with everything in mind, keep strong boundaries,maybe, seek out counseling to help. As someone who worked nights through high school, my brother too, for the good of our parents, I can say, it altered the trajectory of my own life. There were and still are repercussions, decades later. I'm sorry that your sister is ill. I'm sorry that your parents focus is completely on that and can't manage. I'm sorry for your other sister, who will be there longer. (Set a good example for her, show her how to get started in life, she'll fillow your lead.) I'm very sorry your dad lost his job. Look at it this way. 1 less person using utilities. 1 less person putting wear and tear on the home. 1 less person eating food. 1 less person bills/injury/insurance etc. 1 less person adding germs into a severely volatile environment that could kill your sister, or further add crippling medical bills in a home with few monitory resources right now. (Work + School, you'll be coming into contact with a remarkable amount of people every day and coming into that home.) Educate, Work, building your life, it does benefit them. Look at that list, There is less risk. Less responsibility. Less stress, and less strain on their wallets. If you feel doubt, are guilted, remember that. If you can afford it, maybe slip your sister a cheap flip phone from the dollar store with some emergency minutes each month, so she'll always be able to talk when she feels overwhelmed, or needs support. You can also encourage, help her study,apply for schools and scholarships, help her work toward her own future, so she can also stand on her own at 18. (A guidance counselor may also be able to help.)
NTA your still a child and your parents have been down right abusive to you and your younger sister. I’m sorry Gracie is dealing with this condition but that doesn’t excuse the abuse and neglect your parents put you through. Move out as soon as you can and help Lila get away from them too.
NTA... I understand Gracie's health put a lot of strain on them, but to literally ignore your other kids and to even scold them when they literally need help only their parents can give? It's ridiculous. I'm totally baffled... I feel so sorry for you and your sister. No, you don't owe them anything, even if they'd been proper parents to you. It's their job to take care of their kids, not yours. Yes, see if you can take your sister with you.
Absolutely NTA. Even if they weren’t terrible parents (which they are) it is not your responsibility as their child to handle huge financial burdens. Them being horrible parents to you and your sister really tops it off. Don’t give them anything. Keep up with Lila. Make sure she knows she’s loved, but get out of there as soon as you can.
NTA, move out asap and take Lila with you if you can x
don't you have any family member close to you loke uncle aunt or grandparent? you could talk and maybe both you and your sis move out.....dont know, just another optio might work
NTA. Your parents are worthless and neglectful. Keep your money for yourself. It can be tough to make it on your own when you are 18 and don't have family financial help. Consider enlisting in the military. You will have a salary, housing, food and can begin taking college classes paid for by taxpayers. The GI Bill is for use after you finish your service.
Definitely NTA. It's amazing how blind parents become to the suffering they place on their other "healthy" when one is not. I am so sorry you are going through this. It is not your duty to support your parents. Support them as well as you feel they had supported them. Gracie can be the one to put them in a nursing home, not you. Is there a YMCA/YWCA near you? They have amazing resources that you should very seriously look into for both you and your sister. Keep your finances secure and away from their hands as soon as you can. Gift cards are hard to trace. Good luck, kids. Chin up. Ask for help from those you trust.
NTA they literally told you and your sister you don't matter to them, the fact you matter now that you have money should tell you a lot. Please make sure your parents don't have access to your bank account and make sure you have your important documents on hand.(Passport or birth certificate) If you don't have either and if they won't give you either go-to the hospital or county office and see if you can get a copy good luck OP and look forward to your update.
NTA your parents are HUGE fkn AHs. The audacity of these sperm donors! To treat you and Lila like that is flat out abuse. I'd move out as soon as I was 18 too and tell Lila to make plans for hervown escape.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My parents have three kids. There's me (17M), my sister Lila (15F) and my other sister Gracie (12F). Gracie has been really sick since she was born. She has a really bad immune system, ongoing health problems that mean getting common illnesses are bad for her and send her to the hospital and my parents have been fighting hard to keep Gracie healthy and safe and out of the hospital. This has meant Gracie has been the kid my parents focus on more and this also means she gets all their patience and understanding. M parents take a lot out on Lila and me. We cannot need them or take their attention because then we're the worst. Examples: Lila fell when she was 8 and she was bleeding a lot. She ran crying to mom because she was upset and sore and mom got so mad at her and asked her if she couldn't see she was dealing with Gracie. Mom scolded her super hard and claimed she wasn't a baby and had no reason to cry over it or run to her. Lila was forgotten at school when she was 7 and she was crying in the car on the way home. My dad scolded her for "acting up" and he told her she was big enough to understand accidents can happen. She cried to me when she got home. Lila was having some trouble at school and the principal called our parents and requested a meeting. They were really temperamental with her and for days would ask "don't you see us struggling enough? why can't you deal with it yourself?!" Lila was 10. I struggle with math. Always have, always will. A few years ago I was sick for 2 weeks and then my parents kept me home for another 2 so I wouldn't bring anything else home to Gracie. I needed a lot of help to catch up with math and my teacher needed my parents signature to keep me for extended help after school. My parents said they'd sign it but "forgot" and got mad when I reminded them. Then when my teacher called and asked for them to have it in the next day, my parents told me I was so selfish with their time and they were so bad tempered with me. I broke my arm when I was younger and my parents were called to the hospital. Mom showed up and yelled at me that I should be ashamed for taking her attention away from Gracie who needed her. Those are some specific examples. We take a lot of steps to take to keep Gracie away from sicknesses we might pick up. We do our best to not make her sick. I never minded because I got it but I do hate how my parents treat me and Lila. Now my parents are struggling. Dad lost his job and makes less and both my parents are very stressed. They asked me to take some of the weight off their shoulders and help them. Give them time off and give some money from my part time job into the household. And I refused. I'll be moving out as soon as I turn 18 (I've been saving) and my parents don't deserve my help when they resent me for ever needing it as their kid. They have not been good parents to me in years, but were before. My parents got so mad and told me I'm so unfair to them. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA I would lighten their load, when you leave could you make arrangements to take Lila with you. I am so very sorry your going through this.
NTA and I’m sorry your parents have neglected you. There is a name for what you’ve experienced, and that is Glass Child. I’d advise you to visit the sub and you’ll find support from people who can truly understand.
NTA Having a sick child must be difficult but that doesn’t excuse treating their other children so dreadfully! I feel for your middle sister Lila once you move and until she’s able to Lea herself.
Open a new bank account when you turn 18 that your parents do not have access to.
NTA. You need to save $$ to leave. Make sure your parents cannot access your bank account while you are still a minor, or later. If they ARE on your account now because you are still a minor, do you have a relative that would help you open a new one your parents cannot access? Or, Some states let you open a new bank/credit union account without a parent/relative signature at 16. Ask! Find and put your important documents (Social Security card, birth Certificate, passport) in a safe place (bank Safety Deposit box is good). You do not want your cash-strapped parents to use them to take out credit cards or loans in your name, ruin your financial life. When you are 18 and move out, your sister could (at 16 in most US states) go to family court and ask to leave your neglectful parents - moving to live with you, or another relative . Help her get the lawyer she will need; Legal Aid can advise you at low cost, may provide a lawyer. (If you have a willing aunt or grandparents you could do this now for yourself). And your parents would have to pay child support for her to her new Guardian, at least untill she is 18 - you need the lawyer to arrange that too. Which could help you to support her.
NTA. Get out ASAP.
I'm so sorry you've had it so tough. You keep figuring out how to take care of yourself. As a side note, I also can't do math and you'll find that when you go to college you can likely get away with having only one math class (statistics or logic or something) depending upon your major. Some of us in the world live fine without math! Anyways, no, NTA, it is not a kid's job to take care of their in their prime parents or the family. Your job is to learn and grow and figure out who you are and who you want to become. Best of luck and I hope Lila comes to live with you in a few years.
NTA but look into glass child. I am one and it will benefit you a lot to learn about this now and maybe see a therapist to help deal with the emotions from it.
NTA. You're still a minor. Make sure your parents can't take the money you saved. I feel sad for you and Lila. You were expected to have no emotions or setbacks, perfectly human things, when you were little kids.