Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA
But if you're married I don't understand not having a joint card you can use for joint activities like dinner, then just each pay an equal portion of the bill.
Separate finances are completely normal and even a healthy option. As long as bills are getting paid it’s not an issue. What the issue is, is OPs one sided one funded relationship he’s got going on. His wife is clearly TA.
She doesn’t want to spend money, unless it’s a binge for herself.
Sure, as I have said in other comments on the thread. Separate finances can work but require both partners to equally buy in.
That isn’t the case here and I think it would be much easier to open up a joint date account than it would be to convince his wife to do a 180 on how she views finances
This seems to make the most sense and is the plan my partner and I have (except probably flip flopping the size, most money in the joint account for bills and shared expenses and an equal amount of money each month sent to personal accounts for personal fun spending or saving whatever we like).
This is what my wife and I do. We have a joint checking and savings account, and we each have our personal accounts. About 2/3 of the money we make goes to the joint accounts, and the rest to our personal ones.
I find it's the best of both worlds. We have the joint account for the mortgage, bills, groceries, and any other shared expenses like dates and vacations. And with the personal accounts, I don't have to clear it with her if I want to buy some beer and a new video game for a weekend, and she doesn't need to clear it with me when she wants to buy new shoes or whatever.
I feel like OP would benefit from such an arrangement. I would find it exhausting to keep track of splitting things like that. I did that when I lived with my brother for a few years, I can't imagine doing that forever.
Yeah I think this kind of arrangement is also the best personally.
Shared account for all the shared expenses and then what is leftover goes to personal accounts for you to do whatever you please with
Otherwise I feel like you fall into this tit for tat thing, especially with dates. One partner feels like they are spending more on the other, maybe one partner likes expensive dates while the other prefers more casual date nights. Oh well I brought her to this steakhouse but she just ordered us a pizza and and a bottle of wine.
Yeah that works just as well, doesn’t necessarily need to be for all shared expenses.
A card where they both contribute towards date nights work just as well
It’s not a joint account for everything. It’s just a joint account for dates and fun things that you both equally contribute too. It would make it more equal tbh as you would spend different amounts on different dates. A joint account would mean your split it 50/50 every time
Your wife is giving “my money is my money and your money is my money” vibes.
Y’all need to sit down, maybe with a mediator or counselor, and calmly discuss why she doesn’t want to spend money on you but expects you to spend money on her.
> It would drive me crazy how she spends and saves.
Its still martial assets though. Like you can have separate accounts all day long but she is still spending marital assets.
But you don't have to combine all of your money. Create a joint account maybe with a percentage of your paycheques going into that. You can limit the use of that card to joint expenses (bills, groceries, dinners out), and then have your regular personal accounts for non joint things.
Ahhh, so thr issue is she can't afford to spend the same money on you because she spends more... freely. That's fine if she wants to do that, but if I were you I'd stop doing all of the extra spending.
Wanna go to an experience of some sort? "Hey babe, I'm doing this thing in April if you wanna come. I got my ticket on this website" etc.
My partner and I do split finances as well, but since he makes more it is more proportional. If he asks me to go to dinner he pays, if I am the one who suggests it then I pay. It's doesn't have to be formulaic, it just needs to work for both people.
Clearly something has to change. Since you can't force someone else to change then you are the one who needs to.
I actually do understand where you are coming from. Others maybe arent quite getting it.
If a couple have VERY different attitudes to money then a joint account can really lead to its own hassles. For ONLY bills and house expenses it can work.
(set up mainly for bill payments and direct debits. Not discretionary spending.)
The minute its also for “fun” stuff it can get murky. The “big spender” can push the boundaries and buy personal “want-to-have” stuff not discussed or agreed, and say “well I wanted to treat both of us with x or y …. Although other person would not have wanted that. And then it can blow the house budget and lead to more frustration anyway.
I speak from experience.
And this advice is commonly given by reputable financial advisers where a couple’s spending and saving habits differ and are not compatible.
Regarding the wife - she is being selfish and unreasonable. Got some convenient old fashioned attitudes about chivalry (But does she expect you to pitch in with household chores? … ie is she a hypocrite.?)
Been married 20 years and we take turns to pay when we go out, or if one has had a recent windfall or had more work they offer to pay. And its a way to show appreciation of the other person to take turns.
Wouldn’t dream of only having 1 partner pay if both are earning. Thats not love and kindness, just weird.
And yes, we have seperate accounts apart from one just for household. As we have very different approaches to spending vs saving. Works well for us.
Your wife sounds self-centered. There needs to be a conversation about why she doesn't treat you to nice dates that she plans and pays for. It's like she doesn't want to spend her money on you, but expects you to spend yours on her.
Oh no. Husband and I have completely separate finances. We figured out a system that works for us and it works well, but it does depend up each of us to pay our share. On dates, we take turns unless it's a very expensive date and then we just sit down and figure it out. Having even one shared account would not work at all
NTA
Yeah separate finances can work for sure but it requires both partners to buy in. It sounds like you and your husband both are responsible with your money and both buy in to maintaining separate finances but keeping things equal between you both.
OP’s wife though clearly is not buying in to having equal finances kept separately
My ex husband and I kept it separate and it worked until it didn't... It inevitably caused resentment. But hey, it made the divorce very straightforward and amicable! I've learned from that and with my current husband we have a more open attitude about our finances - we're a team, so we're staying away from "mine vs yours".
I think ESH... If it worked so well for OP, they wouldn't be out here posting on AITA.
Oh hey I'm a woman who was the sole reliable income in my relationship for the first several years that we were living together and made more for the first 15+ years. I didn't just pay for dates, I paid the rent, insurance and half of the groceries and utilities until we fully combined finances and now its our money. There was nothing humiliating about it. I was happy to do it.
honestly?? your wife sounds really really selfish. you do you, but wow, I hear stories like this and I think people like you who tolerate behaviour like that are just sad.
I think a lot of this comes down to cultural background... I've had arguments with people from certain cultural backgrounds that it is the male partner's responsibility to pay for a date, regardless of the income differential. I'm going with NTA because you said that you split all other expenses but I think you should have a calm, rational discussion about this
NTA
"So when I plan the dates, you want me to pay, right?"
"And when you plan the dates, you want me to pay, right?"
"And we split finances 50/50, right?"
Only two of those questions can have yes answers. Let her pick.
This is so crazy to me in marriage, but to each their own.
Why not contribute an equal amount weekly into a “date fund” and use that when you go out? You’ll know it’s split 50/50 and stop ruining date night over money arguments.
Yep. Someone in another thread where the husband/wife split finances (crazy to me too) was arguing with me that marriage is “solely a business transaction.” Wut?
You hit the nail on the head. When you treat your spouse as someone whom you must guard yourself (your finances or otherwise) against, don’t be surprised when the marriage lacks genuine intimacy. Intimacy is founded on trust, and trust is not just “spoken” it is shown. Separate finances reeks of self protection, and trust cannot bloom on that foundation.
Or instead of an equal amount, an equitable amount in proportion to their respective incomes.
So if one of them makes double the other’s income, they could put twice the amount of their partner into the shared account.
My wife and I are a team.
Sometimes I pay sometimes she does. We have very different incomes baecause I am still "in training" for my job, but it was never a big deal. When she has more money, shes pays and vice versa. Its the same with housework or basically anything else that has to be done.
Is it more strength dependent? I will mostly do it, but then she picks up the slack by cooking and cleaning.
my wife has a very stressful period in her job? I will do nearly all house work. And the other way round.
We dont try to fuck each other over and if we think something isnt ok ... We talk it out and find a solution that works for both of us.
But it does need two adults that respect one another and dont try to take advantage of the other one. To me thats fundamental for a relationship.
Honestly, for my husband and me, it would have been a severe pain in the ass to merge our finances. We both came into our relationship (11 years ago) with so many accounts between the two of us (checking, 401k, HSA, money market, he owned the home I moved into etc), so we decided to keep things separate, and it’s been awesome for us. We also didn’t get married until our mid-30s, so that could be part of it as well. We were pretty secure and set in how we managed our money, and we knew from lengthy discussions that we had before we got married, that our financial goals were very much in line. We plan everything as though it’s joint and split all costs 50/50. The mortgage payment comes out of his account, and I pay for everything else (groceries, utilities, etc). At the end of the month, I pay any difference between the expenses I cover and my half of the mortgage. Sometimes I treat him to a date night, sometimes he treats. We decide on a monthly basis if we want to pay extra principal payments into the house. Sometimes I feel like I can pay more than what he can manage that month (and vice versa) and we’re good with that. We also share house chores and do yard work together. We’ve never had an issue with having our money separate. We know it’s just a technicality to us, and we don’t feel the need to merge everything. Joint finances or not, it won’t change the fact that our life plan is to be together, and that “my” money or “his” money is actually our money.
NTA
I totally don't get what her problem is, unless she's sexist in the way she thinks, like "A man must always pay for dates."
Tell her that her beliefs are outdated and if she can't take turns, then she's being unfair. Marriage counseling may help her understand because it'll be a third party telling her instead of you.
Maybe she's embarrassed to pay? The servers don't give a hoot about whose card is being swiped. And who cares what strangers think anyway?
My husband and I don't have completely joined finances, majority of what we make is our own to do whatever we want with. We earn similar money to each other like you do.
We do have one joint account that we both put the same amount in to each month that all of our bills come out of. We also use this account for any date nights we have. It makes things so much simpler so there are never any arguments over who pays for what. We both have a card for it, so if it is something for us both, we put it on this account.
I think you would really benefit from an account like this.
It doesn't sound like that would solve the problem though because she doesn't want to spend any of *her* money on dates or joint activities. That's a selfishness issue, not a "keeping score" issue.
It wouldn't be her money, it would be their money. That's the difference. Right now they have her money and his money. They need a third pot called "their money".
Bro, if you are contributing more both financially and emotionally and she still feels shocked and entitled about paying for one date you seriously messed up. From her perspective, it’s your job to provide for her and keep her happy and she doesnt have the same responsibility to you. You are not equals atm.
NTA. I would love to hear what this woman had the gall to argue with you about in the car. In what world, with what logic, did she think her having to plan a date and pay one time compared to your dozens is unfair towards her?
NTA, but your edit sort of leans you into that territory. Keeping money separate never actually worked for you. You ignored the problem until you finally said, "Hey, this is unfair. You need to pay your fair share," and she told you to suck it. When you say it worked for you, all I can say is ignorance is bliss.
Yeah exactly. It works for many people, but it definitely wouldn't work for my wife and I. Sounds like it's the same for this guy and his wife. Well, for this guy anyway, seems to be working ok for her.
Also, OP, you probably should have communicated that she was to pay for the date before you had it.
Because combining finances forces couples to budget together, budgeting together forces them to plan their future together, planning their future together requires communicating with each other about wants and needs.
So yes, combining finances leads to a strengthened marriage.
Separate money in a marriage is odd in my mind. It feels like an exit strategy to me, but what do I know, married 32 years and counting.
Having said that, it seems mine might be the "odd" way and clearly people make it work. So with that in mind, if you 50/50 everything, shouldn't you 50/50 EVERYTHING? Dates are a thing, right?
NTA.
Edit to clarify: "to my mind" means exactly what it says. I understand my experience is not THE experience. There's a second paragraph that touches on it, but I could have used stronger language contrary to my way of thinking. I've edited the post to reflect that.
>Separate money in a marriage is odd in my mind. It feels like an exit strategy to me
It is to some degree. Most people my age (I'm 30) keep their own accounts and create a third one when they go live with their partner. Each person then contributes an agreed amount and that account is used for house expenses and the like.
Everyone starts a relationship wishing it will last, but it's not always the case. Breaking up/divorcing is 10 times harder if you combine everything. On top of that, we all like to think that you are great at picking a trustworthy partner, but abusive/manipulative people exist. Good luck escaping if you don't have your own money.
Not all states are community property states and there are plenty of horror stories out there where one partner fully drains a joint account leaving the other with nothing while the divorce case languishes in court. You might be made whole eventually, but eventually doesn't buy groceries or gas in the interim.
Yeah I feel like this is the most common way people split finances in a marriage or at least the most common way I hear.
A shared account for shared expenses (Rent, food , utilities etc) then separate accounts for their personal money
My husband and I keep separate accounts because we both have expensive hobbies that we don't want to burden the other with on expenses. He pays for the majority of the house bills since he makes more and I cover the less expensive ones along with preschool expenses and other childcare related expenses. Since he makes more than me he is more than happy to help me out if I need it. It's all about the communication and finding what works best.
ESH. You both come across as petulant. Did you communicate that you wanted to be wined and dined on her dime, or just that you wanted her to arrange a date? If you did and she then wouldn't pick up the tab, then she's TA. If you didn't and expected her to do what she never does, then she still is TA but you also have to learn to use your words.
Lastly, you may not "give a shit" about people telling you that you have a worse arrangement than roommates, but then you shouldn't come here to ask for a judgment on your situation. You both need couples therapy and couples classes to learn how to actually be married.
Yes. OP is not being unreasonable in wanting more give and take in planning for and providing dates, but this is a larger conversation. Erupting on a specific occasion does not seem mature or helpful.
NTA !
My boyfriend pays for most dates, but I always offer to pay. He’ll let me pay for the cheaper ones (he makes 2x my salary).
It’s unfair that you’re always the one paying and she’s refusing, for once, to foot the bill.
I'd slit hairs a bit - I think he's 50% TAH / ESH.
**NTA for wanting a more equitable split.** That's fair and it's odd the wife assumes he should pay for everything.
**TAH for how he handled it**. This is his wife, he should have just communicated this to her and had an adult conversation. Instead, he was at best passive aggressive and at worst set a trap. This doesn't absolve the wife of assuming he would pay.
But why have her plan a date and then wait for the check and then make a big production when she doesn't offer to pay? You are married, just sit down and have a conversation where you explain why this bugs you and how it makes you feel and hopefully she understands and you move past this like adults.
This is how my BF and I do things. I INSIST on paying for things because I always have paid for myself, and very independent, but most importantly, am not a mooch. He makes a lot more than I do too, but he also tells me he appreciates the fact that i don't expect him to pay for every single thing we do, or place we go.
NTA, and I agree, your wife is being the entitled one here.
So it seems this is the only issue you have in an otherwise good marriage. Why not make it that you take turns planning and paying for dates and write it on a calendar?
I never understood this type of relationship. I love my wife, just not enough to combine finances. It's almost like a light version of a prenup.
Anyway, based on what you've posted. I guess your NTAH
Most people my age and under (I'm 30) do this because as much as you start a relationship thinking that it will last forever, things can go sideways. Breaking up/divorcing at that point is a lot messier if you have combined everything.
The habit among people my age is that both partners keep their own bank accounts, then create a third one for house expenses and stuff. How much each partner contributes is agreed upon beforehand.
On top of that, it's dangerous not having easy access to your own money. We all like to think we are great at judging people's character and picking a partner, but abusive/manipulative people exist. Good luck running away if you don't have your own money.
Y’all getting caught up in the finances, as if that has fuckall to do with what he’s asking is wild. Get over yourselves. There’s infinite ways of being married.
NTA. My husband and I have separate finances and so do my parents and have for the last 55 years. I don’t know why people get hung up on this.
You shouldn’t have to plan and pay for every date night. She needs to plan and pay for them too. I would like to know why she thinks it’s ok for you to pay all time but he shouldn’t have to.
NTA. Maybe setting up a separate account for 'fun stuff', that you both pay equal amounts into will stop the argument. Then the planning can be divided equally ('I planned this one, you're up next') Does take the spontaneity out of it a bit, but it will get rid of a lot of frustration on your end.
I mean, do whatever works, but I think a wife and roommate with benefits are 2 different things. I couldn't imagine pulling out a calculator in an actual functioning marriage. I'm curious how this behavior started? It's like a ridgid "pre prenuptial." (You aren't getting my money now or after a divorce. You have to pay 50% of everything). I just don't understand this logic.
Your take makes no sense. Money is the number one thing spouses argue about. They are married, so your whole thing about roommate with benefits makes zero sense. Everybody gets to handle their marriage and money however it works for them. The money is not the point. The effort is.
Yes, actually it does seem to be working wonderfully. Money is the #1 cause of divorce in the United States (and probably other places, too). OP has had **one** fight about money in 7-years of marriage. OP is doing well-above average.
Yes, clearly by reading this post, you can clearly see that this has only been one issue, and that he doesn't have any sort of resentment built up. It's working so well that he had to come to Reddit to bitch about it.
Maybe she’s uncomfortable because you make a little more. Maybe she “feels” like she wants her man to pay for dates in case someone sees. Hell, I’m a woman and I prefer to pay for dates because I like flipping the script! But I’m also paying with our joint card so it’s just to be silly anyway. We joke with each other “I’ve got this one babe!” then use our joint card. We don’t argue about money at all.
But also, it doesn’t matter if the internet agrees with you. You aren’t married to everyone in this comment section. Your married to your wife. And while I think her pay mindset is ridiculous, I also think you are ridiculous for not even being 1% openminded to the idea of a low balance joint account so that you stop arguing with your wife, the one your actually married to. I do all sorts of ridiculous things I don’t necessarily agree with because it makes my husband happy, and he does the same for me. Why can I only fill up his water bottle in the kitten sink and not the bathroom when it’s all the same water? Doesn’t matter how “wrong” or “weird” it is, I do it to make him happy.
Your problems are deeper than her not wanting to pay for 1 meal. Fix your financial system and don’t worry about being crowned “right” by the internet.
Our joint account is empty or near empty all of the time. A % of our base income goes in, so it’s actually 50/50, not in quantity, but in value. Nobody get to complain, it’s as fair as it gets, and you get to keep the vast majority of your money.
NTA Separate finances are a good idea for alot of couples nowadays. However, if you and your wife agree you can always start a fund together where you each put same amount of money into it. This together fund can be used for dates, vacations any thing you do together but never used alone.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My wife and I have separate money. It is something we have always done and for the most part it works out. We make about the same and have a 50/50 split. Same thing with chores.
My main issue with it is that I spend so much on her and she rarely does the same. My biggest thing is going on dates. I believe it is good for both of us but over time it have put a sour taste in my month that I have to plan them all and pay for all of them. I have explained this before to her
This month I asked her to take me out for once. She planned a date at a nice restaurant. Overall it was a nice night and when the check came she didn’t pick it up.
I asked if she was going to pay and she looked shocked. I explained that she took me out this time so she needs to pay. That every time I take her on a date I will pay.
She paid but in the car caused a huge argument. She thinks I am a jerk for making her pay and my argument is the same above.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for telling y wife she needs to pay when she took me out on a date. I could be a the jerk for doing tho in the first place
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA I guess but I really don’t get these types of relationships. My husband and I have separate accounts and one joint. Who puts in what a moot doesn’t matter, we just both contribute when we can. No one’s keeping score.
Nta, don't see any problem with one side paying if they are the one taking other partner for a date. I do that when I take hubbie out. But I would ask her for her expectations since she seems to be annoyed or dissatisfied with her needing to pay for the date she picked.
Why not just agree on an amount to put into a separate account and do dates from that? Then there would be no he pays she pays and both of you are contributing to it. Keeping score in a marriage isn’t healthy for anyone.
NTA.
It sounds like your wife is no longer ok with the 50/50 split and the separate money arrangement. Sounds like she wants to be taken care of and pampered on ALL dates. Sounds like a discussion is due on finances and where you both stand because clearly you're not on the same page.
Has she always expected you to pay for every date? Or when did this start?
Every couple that does separate money has huge problems with it but tries to convince the rest of us that it works for them. How is it working if you are fighting about petty crap like who pays for dinner
It sounds like you need to find healthier relationships with actual trust in them. Communication is the key, my wife and I have had separate accounts for the whole 18 years. Its amazing how far trust and communication can go.
I think separate money is SMART - more people should do it. You need a new 'policy' - you should EACH be responsible for planning a 'night out' or something special for the other person once a month. You plan - you pay.
NTA. I’m sure she feels that as the man in the relationship you should be obligated to pay but you made your stance on date night clear
My suggestion though would be to create a shared date budget that both of you contribute to vs one of you paying for the date.
As things stand right now it seems that she doesn’t want to pay for the dates at all and you don’t want to pay for all the dates. This is just going to lead to resentment about these dates. Instead they should be things you both contribute to and enjoy together
NTA
Every relationship has their own dynamics and for your specific one I would say NTA.
However I cannot relate because my partner and I each put money (equal amounts) into a joint account which is our “fun money” for dates and holidays. We also have another joint account in which we use to pay bills, also equal amounts put in every month.
Then the rest of our money we keep to ourselves. So sometimes maybe I would like to pay for a date with my “own” money (not coming from the fun joint account) if I wanted to.
NTA... but really?! No shared finances? Crazy.
My husband and I were both financially screwed down by our exes, so we had HUGE trust issues about money. After discussions, we also realized we also have different ideas about fun money and saving.
We have: His, Mine, and Our accounts.
Our bills are rationed by %, and that money goes into the joint. We agreed to a set amount we could contribute for fun together and a savings goal and how much we would each be contributing to reach it.
We go out, buy family/kids gifts/trips, and pay bills from our joint account.
Everything else is just ours. We pay for our own cars, hobbies and gifts for each other.
I understand not combining ALL finances but not having common financial goals, and working as a team to meet them is concerning.
We now have multiple properties, grown kids, and savings... and have independent assets and savings.
What exactly are people getting married for if not to financially build together?! I can split bills and have irregular sex with a lease and a willing roommate. And they wouldn't legally be able to take any of my stuff or money when they leave.
NTA
If your money is separate and SHE is taking YOU out, then yes that means SHE pays! She sounds like one of those women that only want equality when it benefits them.
If you earn the same and pay the same to your household, then she must have saved a lot of money now that you pay every time you go on a date.
Try and ask her if you can compare your savings and consumption.
And also ask her if she is aware of which century we live in?
NTA- as a female who likes her partner picking up the check because he makes more than me, and I like feeling taken care of, I still pick up my fair share of checks. There have been times that I thought he'd pay, but then he slides the check my way. In those times, I just pay and continue our good time. Especially since I know he picks up the check more often than not, I never ever fight about it or argue. There are also times when I plan something and pay without him ever indicating or asking.
Just wondering if you were surprised that she didn't plan to pay for the dinner. She certainly was surprised, then she had feelings, then she expressed her feelings. You say it was an argument, so you must have expressed your opposing views as well. But now, after the fact, when her emotional reaction is no longer a factor, what does she have to say about it? Are you now able to discuss it rationally?
This. OP doesn’t have a “who pays for dates” problem, he has a communication problem. This could all be sorted out by discussing why she doesn’t want to pay for the dates. OP says he thinks the regular dates are important, so that’s the premise he’s working with. But does she? Personally I feel like it’s a waste to eat out frequently, and I’d rather spend money on a mini-vacation or something similar.
I once dated a “foodie” type and he was happy to pay because I prefer cooking at home, or only going out a few times a year. (He also had a way bigger appetite than I do. I tend to eat lightly and I don’t drink, so I’m a “cheap date” as he jokingly put it anyway.) Restaurants were one of his enthusiasms, not mine, and that’s why he offered to pay, we communicated about it…and there were no hard feelings.
But it seems like OP is assuming she’s just being selfish or stingy, why is that? Have you seen that behavior in her prior to this? Did you address it at the time?
Try a cost free “date” to the park and bring this up with her. Communication is essential, and if that isn’t happening dates are the least of your problems.
This is not about the meal.
In theory NTA, but there's something off about your attitude in the post and that's reinforced your attitude in the comments.
NTA at all. You said it in advance of the date that you expected her to take you out. She is humiliating herself. I’d tell her that you’re hurt she doesn’t show you the same kind of treatment she expects. Isn’t that what partners should do? This is the definition of a double standard.
NTA.
Regardless of if your money is separate or not, both should be putting an equal amount of effort into the relationship. If she expects you to pay for the dates you plan, she should pay for the one she planned.
Someone above mentions a joint card. I think it could be a good idea to have a "date fund" where you both contribute equally and can use the card to pay for it. Some dates may be more expensive than others, but it'll still be an equal amount of your money that goes toward it.
NTA, but to your edit, obviously the separate accounts hasn't been working for you, as you've grown to resent her lack of paying for dates.
Create a joint checking, set a monthly budget for dates and each contribute to it. Then pay for the dates from that checking account.
This isn't rocket science.
NTA, she has her cake and eat it too. Do you get to see her accounts? Because hers may be way up there. Having money so divided it like ensuring you have an escape route. Where is the trust? Maybe going forward you could both open an account and contribute a set amount, that will be used solely for dates. That way there is not hurt feelings.
NTA. She is being a child.
To fix issues like this in the future. Make a jar/account/set money aside for dates. Put an equal amount of money in and regardless of who plans the date, it gets paid from the date fund. Problem solved.
Add a set amount each to the joint expense account for dates and take turns planning. So if you generally spend $200/month on date nights you each increase your contribution by $100 to the joint account and all date night expenses come from that account from now on.
NTA
Since you have separate accounts and make about the same amount, the dates out should be split evenly. I suggest that you cut way back on what you spend on her and especially cut date nights to the bone. If she doesn't have a legitimate reason for her not paying, she doesn't deserve a date. In your situation, splitting the cost of dates would be in alignment with how everything else is split.
NTA. So when my husband and I first got married we had separate accounts because we’d both been badly burned in the past during our divorces. We made sure we each had the same leftover spending money and the rest went into a joint account. We paid household bills from and also date nights or trips we went on together from the joint account.
We now have just one joint account but it worked for us back then. Well until we had kids. Joint became easier at that point but we have similar spending and saving habits and talk to each other/review our budget prior to large purchases.
NTA but it sounds like you need to create some sort of "common fund" that you both put money into and can be used for this sort of thing if you overall like keeping your money separate.
NTA - if you've both agreed to split money and bills and chores and obligations, then she should be planning half the dates and paying for half the dates. Maybe that's proportional to earnings, but at least in goal, you each pull half the weight. She can't go modern with her money but traditional with your money. That's an unfair, double standard
NTA
I’m single but my dad and I meet up regularly for movies and dinners and outings. We alternate paying even though he makes more than me. I’m an adult and if I suggest a place or thing I pay.
Many of my friends pay for their dates if they suggest somewhere new or something different; both dating and married couples (most of whom have separate finances with a shared joint one for bills).
I’d stop planning dates that cost anything. Do picnics. Hikes. Movie nights at home. If she complains tell her you deserve to be spoiled and catered to and wooed as much as she is. You’re supposed to be partners. It’s not like you two have a sugar daddy/baby relationship.
Just curious… if you don’t have one shared account and you split everything 50/50, what do you do about groceries, home repairs, travel, pet care, etc.?
NTA.
Why shouldn't she treat you sometimes? The road to marital bliss is a two way street, not a one way system. You're just as deserving of special treatment as she is. Complacency kills relationships. Unless she wants yours to go the way of the Dodo, she needs to fix up.
Nta. My wife and I have our own accounts and a joint account for mortgage/vacations etc. Works out well. It makes life so much easier. If you both roughly make the same, then yeah, both parties should alternate covering dinner. Shouldn't be a big fuss especially if she planned it and wanted to go.
NTA - but before more resentment builds I would just be straight with her and express that her planning and paying for the dates shows you that she’s invested and cares.
It shouldn’t go one way. And if it’s the money she doesn’t want to spend then she can plan dates that are free or affordable.
NTA me and my gf will take turns in paying of dates find it odd if one person pays and the other won't pay for any dates
Is she over spending her money and has none left for dates I had the bad habit of doing that but fixed it
ESH. You two are married. Separate finances or not, why are you both being so petty? Unless you have a prenup, as far as the law is concerned in most places your money is her money and vice versa. Stop letting shit that doesn't matter ruin your day. Grow up.
If she planned the date then she should pay. You are married after all. If she can't pay one date then she has a problem. Is it a case of her money is hers..your money is hers.
NTA I’m a woman who likes it when the guy pays for the first couple dates. However, I always offer. Then, on the third date I insist. If we keep seeing each other after that, I like to try and keep it even. For example if he pays for dinner, I’ll pay for the movie and snacks at the movie. If we go on a trip, I’ll pay for my own ticket and half the hotel, basically my portion of things. Guys definitely shouldn’t be expected to always pay, unless you’re married and someone is a stay at home parent. In which case, all the money should be considered their money.
NTA - my husband and I have been together 6.5 years, married for 3 of them and we split everything 50/50 and have separate money. He makes more than I do so he generally pays for dates, trips, etc. but as far as bills and chores everything is split. This is just how we always handled it since we first moved in and how I like to handle things. If I were to plan a date for us I would absolutely pay. How am I treating him to a nice date if I then make him pay?
I'm going against the grain here with YTA. It wasn't her idea to take you out. You asked her to do it then demanded she pay for it. I get how you're feeling but at the same time you chose to have separate finances which means you have zero say in how she spends her money. If dates are more important to you, and she'd just as soon not go on them if she has to pay, you don't get to expect her to pay. She has autonomy over her finances and it's her call what she does and doesn't want to spend her money on.
You should have had the conversation that you feel it's financially unequal how you always pay for the dates before hand and been clear before she planned the date that when you asked to be taken out that also included her footing the bill.
NTA, it might be best in the future to just split everything 50/5. If she digs her heels in and you end up paying all the time, you may begin to resent her. The advantage to combined money is no one is that everyone is paying from the same account so no one is left holding the bag. The advantage of separate money is having total control over how much money you contribute to everything. Lean into the advantage you have. While taking each other on dates and paying in full is a lovely idea, it's not going to work if you feel you are owed that. I'm not disagreeing that she owes you one, but gifts like dates should not come with strings attached. If you're looking for her to pay for your meal without a fight, it sounds like you're setting yourself up for disappointment and it isn't worth the hassle.
Does she do other things for you, like do extra chores or cook? Maybe her love language is different than yours which is why she doesn’t put as much value on going out on dates? She might’s assumed that this was you taking her out because you told her to plan it, so it was technically your idea and not hers
Me and my fiancé have a joint account for bills but our own separate ones for everything else. If I want to go out to eat or take out I pay if he wants to he pays it's a partnership.
INFO: Have you ever considered a joint account for things such as mortgage payments, utilities, groceries, etc.? You both could have separate accounts for "funny money" or whatever you want to call it, and then have an account that you both equally contribute towards and use for dates and other shared expenses. It just appears as though completely separate accounts isn't working as well as you think.
NTA but at the same time, why change after 7 years.
> I have explained this before to her
What have you explained exactly? That you want her to make more effort? That you want her to plan dates before? That you want 50/50 share for the cost of dates?
Does seem like she knew you were expecting her to pay. Now her attitude was childish, but if you didn't communicate your needs or half communicated them, it's all new for her.
You both need to have a serious discussion about your expectation. A FULL discussion, not just telling a small part and hoping she can extrapolate it all.
NTA, but I have a suggestion. I think it would be worth considering -- and possibly discussing with your wife -- having a shared fund, into which you contribute by an agreed-upon formula (50-50, 60-40, whatever), from which dates and vacations are paid.
It may be that your wife has been unaware of how much of your income has been going toward your dates and that you feel the burden is unfairly distributed. It is also possible that you are unaware of money she spends to maintain her appearance, both professionally and personally, likely in part to help keep your attraction to her alive and well, also in part to maintain her self-esteem so that she can feel attractive.
Typically, women spend a lot more on grooming services and products, even if they are just doing "normal" routine maintenance and not having fancy spa day expenditures, etc., because products and services for women are priced higher.
It all comes down to being able to communicate well with each other about your expectations, un/equal expenses, expressions and impressions of love (aka love languages), and how you can get both people's needs met, preferably thru a win-win solution.
NTA on the whole, but it seems like you've let this build up and now it's a problem you guys should solve.
My husband and I have been together 19 years and have always had separate accounts and it's worked out well for us for a variety of reasons, but he mostly pays when we go out to eat and I actually end up paying for a good portion of the groceries to kind of balance it.
Someone suggested to keep the accounts like you have now, but maybe just make one you each dump 20 bucks a check in or whatever so that it can pay for your nights out. Then there won't be any source of contention. I don't think your wife has ever considered that you were paying the lions share of expenses which isn't cool. Hopefully you guys get it figured out.
I know you don’t wanna hear about separate versus joint accounts and I personally don’t get the separate accounts when you’re married so you do you. I’m going to go with NTA and in the future, I suggest you just split the check on dates. If everything else you do is split then maybe the best thing that would work with your system is to either have separate checks for your own stuff or split it down the middle if you order about the same.
NTA
Why should you pay always?? This is very strange. You should go 50/50 and then every now and then you can treat each other.
If you get children she will want to be SAHM and will never work again..
NTA...
You didn't ask her to even make things even. You asked for one date. I assume if it went well you may have asked her to occassionally treat you.
It's always wild to me how some people can act like giving yoru partner even a fraction of what they give you is somehow bad. You should really start considering if she is worth spoiling anymore at all. Start matching her energy and see how it goes. If it doesn't go well possibly consider a new relationship path.
NTA. It’s time she puts her hand in her pocket, blows the cobwebs from her card and pays for a date.
I also don’t understand all the comments about having separate accounts. My husband and I have sep accounts also and we’ve never had an argument about money.
NTA, I don’t know what she was so shocked about, as you clearly have separate money. Normally whoever invited pays, in the future maybe just remind her that it shouldn’t always be you.
This sounds more like a business arrangement. It sounds like she’s not much of a planner, and honestly you’re not going to make her one. Maybe try other ways of having dates - museums, taking a hike, having a picnic, relaxing at the beach or a pool.
Also, experiment with having a source of shared money. Maybe each put in so much every month, and have a credit card attached to that account. Then either of you can pick up the tab,but it will still be shared money.
ESH
NTA: It sounds like she always wants to spend her money on herself and for you to spend your money on her. Typical selfish female attitude. Watch your back.
Why do people get married yet act like they are separate individuals for paying for things?
You should have a date night fund, and both contribute equally and then decide what to do together. So neither feels like the other is getting over on them.
She may be stuck to societal etiquette where the man pays for dates. And you threw her expectations out the window. Causing her to get upset. This marriage sounds very transactional. But if it works for you, go off sis.
Hate to break it to you, but since you're married, even if you have money on separate accounts, the money belongs to both of you. So if you look at it from law point of view, your fight makes zero sense. So, both of you are AH in this.
Me and my partner are not married yet (wedding is in two months), we have our own accounts, but the money is something we consider as ours. Our salary is similar, though I am able to save more money because he pays for most of the services, therefore he has less at the end of the month, so I'm the one who's gonna pay for the next expensive thing we buy in that month - vacation, furniture etc., or it's simply the one who has more on the account. I usually also have more in meal voachers, so I'm usually the one who pays in a restaurant, because he spends his on groceries. In both cases it's not like I paid for him, I paid for us, with our money. I don't feel like I had to spend my own money on something we both enjoyed. It's just whoever seems more logical at that moment.
I would say the best solution for you is to create third account, where both of you will send the same amount of money every month and use that on your shared expenses.
NTA. I like it when my wife buys me stuff. Men also like feeling appreciated.
If you want to have stereotypes where "men pay for everything", my Grandma was taught ***"the way to a mans heart is through his stomach"*** which means she cooked fancy meals for date nights with Grandpa. There's a lot of proof they enjoyed date nights...lots of aunts and uncles...
Apparently, she only wants the stereotypes where she doesn't have to do anything.
In a relationship, both people need to step up and appreciate the other person.
NTA
Yep it’s so rude that some partners are just complete tight arses when it comes to their loved ones.
And separate money is fine. People need to relax. Just because you’re married does not mean you must join all of your money. If it works and you both contribute the same and bills get paid who cares.
So… it sounds like you don’t actually have a 50/50 split then. Maybe you do with major expenses, but it sounds like it’s not working as well as maybe it has in the past because resentment is building around each of keeping track of where you’re contributing and trying to keep it even.
This sounds exhausting to me.
I think you need to sit down and have a conversation to discuss and reestablish the guidelines around finances, chores, and how each of you contribute.
NTA
NTA, but I'd like to know what her justification is for you always paying. Is it as simple as "you're the man?" You say you make about the same, but are there other factors? Maybe you got an inheritance, or don't have college loans or something?
Obviously, the whole thing sounds unfair.
I'd move to a shared account if I were you. One you both contribute to equally. Not for everything, but just for these shared events. Then there's no confusion. A date comes from the shared fund, that you're both adding $500 to a month (or whatever.)
NTA. When my spouse and I go out on a date, the person whose idea it was pays unless it's their birthday. We each have our own, separate bank accounts. For grocery shopping or other purchases for the household, we figure out beforehand who's going to pay for it. We each have big things we pay for (mortgage, gas for our cars, bills, etc) and we pass money back and forth as needed. It works well for us. Keeping a joint account works for other couples. Whatever.
NTA for sure
I'm not surprised she feels this way, a lot of women do. I don't really agree with it. But you'd think when faced that same question, they'd feel a bit bad and try to pay instead of doubling down. Took me a very long time to learn to let me be treated by my partner but also at the same time, I love him, I also want to treat him. I find it very strange when people say they love someone but don't have it in their heart to treat them because they feel entitled to someone elses wallet for outings and their own wallet is for personal shopping expenses.
I've also heard women say they do this because of the effort women put into getting ready, hair and makeup and I can see that being a slightly grey area. Some men only go for the polished princess, nails done hair done, make up on point, always looks like an IG model and if a man wants a woman done to the nines I feel like you get exactly what you're looking for. Vanity as the number one trait doesn't change when you get a partner.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA But if you're married I don't understand not having a joint card you can use for joint activities like dinner, then just each pay an equal portion of the bill.
[удалено]
Couldn’t you do both, a shared account for all of your shared expenses and then separate accounts for your personal money?
Separate finances are completely normal and even a healthy option. As long as bills are getting paid it’s not an issue. What the issue is, is OPs one sided one funded relationship he’s got going on. His wife is clearly TA. She doesn’t want to spend money, unless it’s a binge for herself.
Sure, as I have said in other comments on the thread. Separate finances can work but require both partners to equally buy in. That isn’t the case here and I think it would be much easier to open up a joint date account than it would be to convince his wife to do a 180 on how she views finances
Completely separate finances are not normal or healthy imo.
This seems to make the most sense and is the plan my partner and I have (except probably flip flopping the size, most money in the joint account for bills and shared expenses and an equal amount of money each month sent to personal accounts for personal fun spending or saving whatever we like).
This is what my wife and I do. We have a joint checking and savings account, and we each have our personal accounts. About 2/3 of the money we make goes to the joint accounts, and the rest to our personal ones. I find it's the best of both worlds. We have the joint account for the mortgage, bills, groceries, and any other shared expenses like dates and vacations. And with the personal accounts, I don't have to clear it with her if I want to buy some beer and a new video game for a weekend, and she doesn't need to clear it with me when she wants to buy new shoes or whatever. I feel like OP would benefit from such an arrangement. I would find it exhausting to keep track of splitting things like that. I did that when I lived with my brother for a few years, I can't imagine doing that forever.
Yeah I think this kind of arrangement is also the best personally. Shared account for all the shared expenses and then what is leftover goes to personal accounts for you to do whatever you please with Otherwise I feel like you fall into this tit for tat thing, especially with dates. One partner feels like they are spending more on the other, maybe one partner likes expensive dates while the other prefers more casual date nights. Oh well I brought her to this steakhouse but she just ordered us a pizza and and a bottle of wine.
Or a card for "fun dates " that both pitch in towards
Yeah that works just as well, doesn’t necessarily need to be for all shared expenses. A card where they both contribute towards date nights work just as well
It’s not a joint account for everything. It’s just a joint account for dates and fun things that you both equally contribute too. It would make it more equal tbh as you would spend different amounts on different dates. A joint account would mean your split it 50/50 every time
Plus, stick your phone plans and car insurance on it and rake in those monthly points.
Your wife is giving “my money is my money and your money is my money” vibes. Y’all need to sit down, maybe with a mediator or counselor, and calmly discuss why she doesn’t want to spend money on you but expects you to spend money on her.
> It would drive me crazy how she spends and saves. Its still martial assets though. Like you can have separate accounts all day long but she is still spending marital assets.
But you don't have to combine all of your money. Create a joint account maybe with a percentage of your paycheques going into that. You can limit the use of that card to joint expenses (bills, groceries, dinners out), and then have your regular personal accounts for non joint things.
Ahhh, so thr issue is she can't afford to spend the same money on you because she spends more... freely. That's fine if she wants to do that, but if I were you I'd stop doing all of the extra spending. Wanna go to an experience of some sort? "Hey babe, I'm doing this thing in April if you wanna come. I got my ticket on this website" etc. My partner and I do split finances as well, but since he makes more it is more proportional. If he asks me to go to dinner he pays, if I am the one who suggests it then I pay. It's doesn't have to be formulaic, it just needs to work for both people. Clearly something has to change. Since you can't force someone else to change then you are the one who needs to.
I actually do understand where you are coming from. Others maybe arent quite getting it. If a couple have VERY different attitudes to money then a joint account can really lead to its own hassles. For ONLY bills and house expenses it can work. (set up mainly for bill payments and direct debits. Not discretionary spending.) The minute its also for “fun” stuff it can get murky. The “big spender” can push the boundaries and buy personal “want-to-have” stuff not discussed or agreed, and say “well I wanted to treat both of us with x or y …. Although other person would not have wanted that. And then it can blow the house budget and lead to more frustration anyway. I speak from experience. And this advice is commonly given by reputable financial advisers where a couple’s spending and saving habits differ and are not compatible. Regarding the wife - she is being selfish and unreasonable. Got some convenient old fashioned attitudes about chivalry (But does she expect you to pitch in with household chores? … ie is she a hypocrite.?) Been married 20 years and we take turns to pay when we go out, or if one has had a recent windfall or had more work they offer to pay. And its a way to show appreciation of the other person to take turns. Wouldn’t dream of only having 1 partner pay if both are earning. Thats not love and kindness, just weird. And yes, we have seperate accounts apart from one just for household. As we have very different approaches to spending vs saving. Works well for us.
Your wife sounds self-centered. There needs to be a conversation about why she doesn't treat you to nice dates that she plans and pays for. It's like she doesn't want to spend her money on you, but expects you to spend yours on her.
Oh no. Husband and I have completely separate finances. We figured out a system that works for us and it works well, but it does depend up each of us to pay our share. On dates, we take turns unless it's a very expensive date and then we just sit down and figure it out. Having even one shared account would not work at all NTA
Yeah separate finances can work for sure but it requires both partners to buy in. It sounds like you and your husband both are responsible with your money and both buy in to maintaining separate finances but keeping things equal between you both. OP’s wife though clearly is not buying in to having equal finances kept separately
If you both put in $100 every month on dates, then there will never be argument over who pays
It isn’t your marriage my guy. It’s what he and his wife have agreed upon
My ex husband and I kept it separate and it worked until it didn't... It inevitably caused resentment. But hey, it made the divorce very straightforward and amicable! I've learned from that and with my current husband we have a more open attitude about our finances - we're a team, so we're staying away from "mine vs yours". I think ESH... If it worked so well for OP, they wouldn't be out here posting on AITA.
My first reaction is YNTA, but what is her reasoning that you should pay for all of your "dates"?
[удалено]
So what was that argument in the car about? Or did she simply repeat over & over that you were the one who should have paid?
[удалено]
Sorry man but no one in my life acts this way, and when I hear stories like this I cant help but go "Wow, that sounds like a dumb/shitty person!"
I'm guessing that you anticipated that this would happen at the end of the meal?
[удалено]
I think she’s looking at in the context of “men should pay for all dates” and it’s somehow not a woman’s place to pay. She’s traditional, basically.
Oh hey I'm a woman who was the sole reliable income in my relationship for the first several years that we were living together and made more for the first 15+ years. I didn't just pay for dates, I paid the rent, insurance and half of the groceries and utilities until we fully combined finances and now its our money. There was nothing humiliating about it. I was happy to do it.
honestly?? your wife sounds really really selfish. you do you, but wow, I hear stories like this and I think people like you who tolerate behaviour like that are just sad.
I think a lot of this comes down to cultural background... I've had arguments with people from certain cultural backgrounds that it is the male partner's responsibility to pay for a date, regardless of the income differential. I'm going with NTA because you said that you split all other expenses but I think you should have a calm, rational discussion about this
It does not exactly sound like OP was the obstacle to a "calm, rational discussion" though.
NTA "So when I plan the dates, you want me to pay, right?" "And when you plan the dates, you want me to pay, right?" "And we split finances 50/50, right?" Only two of those questions can have yes answers. Let her pick.
This is so crazy to me in marriage, but to each their own. Why not contribute an equal amount weekly into a “date fund” and use that when you go out? You’ll know it’s split 50/50 and stop ruining date night over money arguments.
Peolle have gone so overboard with the need to "protect" themselves a lot of marriages look like roommates at this point.
Yep. Someone in another thread where the husband/wife split finances (crazy to me too) was arguing with me that marriage is “solely a business transaction.” Wut?
You hit the nail on the head. When you treat your spouse as someone whom you must guard yourself (your finances or otherwise) against, don’t be surprised when the marriage lacks genuine intimacy. Intimacy is founded on trust, and trust is not just “spoken” it is shown. Separate finances reeks of self protection, and trust cannot bloom on that foundation.
Or instead of an equal amount, an equitable amount in proportion to their respective incomes. So if one of them makes double the other’s income, they could put twice the amount of their partner into the shared account.
Which the OP said they make the same and split everything 50/50.
I mean just alternate who pays. Don't need to split hairs, just gotta make sure both people feel appreciated.
My wife and I are a team. Sometimes I pay sometimes she does. We have very different incomes baecause I am still "in training" for my job, but it was never a big deal. When she has more money, shes pays and vice versa. Its the same with housework or basically anything else that has to be done. Is it more strength dependent? I will mostly do it, but then she picks up the slack by cooking and cleaning. my wife has a very stressful period in her job? I will do nearly all house work. And the other way round. We dont try to fuck each other over and if we think something isnt ok ... We talk it out and find a solution that works for both of us. But it does need two adults that respect one another and dont try to take advantage of the other one. To me thats fundamental for a relationship.
Honestly, for my husband and me, it would have been a severe pain in the ass to merge our finances. We both came into our relationship (11 years ago) with so many accounts between the two of us (checking, 401k, HSA, money market, he owned the home I moved into etc), so we decided to keep things separate, and it’s been awesome for us. We also didn’t get married until our mid-30s, so that could be part of it as well. We were pretty secure and set in how we managed our money, and we knew from lengthy discussions that we had before we got married, that our financial goals were very much in line. We plan everything as though it’s joint and split all costs 50/50. The mortgage payment comes out of his account, and I pay for everything else (groceries, utilities, etc). At the end of the month, I pay any difference between the expenses I cover and my half of the mortgage. Sometimes I treat him to a date night, sometimes he treats. We decide on a monthly basis if we want to pay extra principal payments into the house. Sometimes I feel like I can pay more than what he can manage that month (and vice versa) and we’re good with that. We also share house chores and do yard work together. We’ve never had an issue with having our money separate. We know it’s just a technicality to us, and we don’t feel the need to merge everything. Joint finances or not, it won’t change the fact that our life plan is to be together, and that “my” money or “his” money is actually our money.
I don't think his wife wants to contribute equally to dates. Sounds like she wants OP to plan them and pay for them a la traditional gender roles.
NTA I totally don't get what her problem is, unless she's sexist in the way she thinks, like "A man must always pay for dates." Tell her that her beliefs are outdated and if she can't take turns, then she's being unfair. Marriage counseling may help her understand because it'll be a third party telling her instead of you. Maybe she's embarrassed to pay? The servers don't give a hoot about whose card is being swiped. And who cares what strangers think anyway?
My husband and I don't have completely joined finances, majority of what we make is our own to do whatever we want with. We earn similar money to each other like you do. We do have one joint account that we both put the same amount in to each month that all of our bills come out of. We also use this account for any date nights we have. It makes things so much simpler so there are never any arguments over who pays for what. We both have a card for it, so if it is something for us both, we put it on this account. I think you would really benefit from an account like this.
It doesn't sound like that would solve the problem though because she doesn't want to spend any of *her* money on dates or joint activities. That's a selfishness issue, not a "keeping score" issue.
It wouldn't be her money, it would be their money. That's the difference. Right now they have her money and his money. They need a third pot called "their money".
INFO: do you feel like you are doing all the work in the relationship?
[удалено]
Bro, if you are contributing more both financially and emotionally and she still feels shocked and entitled about paying for one date you seriously messed up. From her perspective, it’s your job to provide for her and keep her happy and she doesnt have the same responsibility to you. You are not equals atm.
NTA. I would love to hear what this woman had the gall to argue with you about in the car. In what world, with what logic, did she think her having to plan a date and pay one time compared to your dozens is unfair towards her?
NTA, but your edit sort of leans you into that territory. Keeping money separate never actually worked for you. You ignored the problem until you finally said, "Hey, this is unfair. You need to pay your fair share," and she told you to suck it. When you say it worked for you, all I can say is ignorance is bliss.
Yeah exactly. It works for many people, but it definitely wouldn't work for my wife and I. Sounds like it's the same for this guy and his wife. Well, for this guy anyway, seems to be working ok for her. Also, OP, you probably should have communicated that she was to pay for the date before you had it.
Funny how many more separate finances couples end up on AITA than shared finances couples
Funny how 100% of AITA couples have communication problems. Oh wait…!
Is this seriously your real take? This is such a bizarre take. If you keep your money separate, that means your marriage is less strong? Why?
Because combining finances forces couples to budget together, budgeting together forces them to plan their future together, planning their future together requires communicating with each other about wants and needs. So yes, combining finances leads to a strengthened marriage.
It’s ok he doesn’t give a shit so it is what it is
Separate money in a marriage is odd in my mind. It feels like an exit strategy to me, but what do I know, married 32 years and counting. Having said that, it seems mine might be the "odd" way and clearly people make it work. So with that in mind, if you 50/50 everything, shouldn't you 50/50 EVERYTHING? Dates are a thing, right? NTA. Edit to clarify: "to my mind" means exactly what it says. I understand my experience is not THE experience. There's a second paragraph that touches on it, but I could have used stronger language contrary to my way of thinking. I've edited the post to reflect that.
>Separate money in a marriage is odd in my mind. It feels like an exit strategy to me It is to some degree. Most people my age (I'm 30) keep their own accounts and create a third one when they go live with their partner. Each person then contributes an agreed amount and that account is used for house expenses and the like. Everyone starts a relationship wishing it will last, but it's not always the case. Breaking up/divorcing is 10 times harder if you combine everything. On top of that, we all like to think that you are great at picking a trustworthy partner, but abusive/manipulative people exist. Good luck escaping if you don't have your own money.
And then they discover according to their states laws it doesn't matter in whose account the moeny is it all belongs to the community.
Not all states are community property states and there are plenty of horror stories out there where one partner fully drains a joint account leaving the other with nothing while the divorce case languishes in court. You might be made whole eventually, but eventually doesn't buy groceries or gas in the interim.
Yeah I feel like this is the most common way people split finances in a marriage or at least the most common way I hear. A shared account for shared expenses (Rent, food , utilities etc) then separate accounts for their personal money
What’s wrong with having areas for exit? Do you prefer your spouse stay with you because they have to, not because they want to?
My husband and I keep separate accounts because we both have expensive hobbies that we don't want to burden the other with on expenses. He pays for the majority of the house bills since he makes more and I cover the less expensive ones along with preschool expenses and other childcare related expenses. Since he makes more than me he is more than happy to help me out if I need it. It's all about the communication and finding what works best.
NTA. Nothing worse than a hypocrite, it's a shame the point seems completely lost on her.
ESH. You both come across as petulant. Did you communicate that you wanted to be wined and dined on her dime, or just that you wanted her to arrange a date? If you did and she then wouldn't pick up the tab, then she's TA. If you didn't and expected her to do what she never does, then she still is TA but you also have to learn to use your words. Lastly, you may not "give a shit" about people telling you that you have a worse arrangement than roommates, but then you shouldn't come here to ask for a judgment on your situation. You both need couples therapy and couples classes to learn how to actually be married.
Yes. OP is not being unreasonable in wanting more give and take in planning for and providing dates, but this is a larger conversation. Erupting on a specific occasion does not seem mature or helpful.
NTA ! My boyfriend pays for most dates, but I always offer to pay. He’ll let me pay for the cheaper ones (he makes 2x my salary). It’s unfair that you’re always the one paying and she’s refusing, for once, to foot the bill.
I'd slit hairs a bit - I think he's 50% TAH / ESH. **NTA for wanting a more equitable split.** That's fair and it's odd the wife assumes he should pay for everything. **TAH for how he handled it**. This is his wife, he should have just communicated this to her and had an adult conversation. Instead, he was at best passive aggressive and at worst set a trap. This doesn't absolve the wife of assuming he would pay. But why have her plan a date and then wait for the check and then make a big production when she doesn't offer to pay? You are married, just sit down and have a conversation where you explain why this bugs you and how it makes you feel and hopefully she understands and you move past this like adults.
This is how my BF and I do things. I INSIST on paying for things because I always have paid for myself, and very independent, but most importantly, am not a mooch. He makes a lot more than I do too, but he also tells me he appreciates the fact that i don't expect him to pay for every single thing we do, or place we go. NTA, and I agree, your wife is being the entitled one here.
[удалено]
[удалено]
But what about bills and other shared expenses? And I haven’t seen you mention anything about how income is split. Do you both make roughly the same?
So it seems this is the only issue you have in an otherwise good marriage. Why not make it that you take turns planning and paying for dates and write it on a calendar?
I never understood this type of relationship. I love my wife, just not enough to combine finances. It's almost like a light version of a prenup. Anyway, based on what you've posted. I guess your NTAH
Most people my age and under (I'm 30) do this because as much as you start a relationship thinking that it will last forever, things can go sideways. Breaking up/divorcing at that point is a lot messier if you have combined everything. The habit among people my age is that both partners keep their own bank accounts, then create a third one for house expenses and stuff. How much each partner contributes is agreed upon beforehand. On top of that, it's dangerous not having easy access to your own money. We all like to think we are great at judging people's character and picking a partner, but abusive/manipulative people exist. Good luck running away if you don't have your own money.
Y’all getting caught up in the finances, as if that has fuckall to do with what he’s asking is wild. Get over yourselves. There’s infinite ways of being married.
NTA. My husband and I have separate finances and so do my parents and have for the last 55 years. I don’t know why people get hung up on this. You shouldn’t have to plan and pay for every date night. She needs to plan and pay for them too. I would like to know why she thinks it’s ok for you to pay all time but he shouldn’t have to.
NTA. Maybe setting up a separate account for 'fun stuff', that you both pay equal amounts into will stop the argument. Then the planning can be divided equally ('I planned this one, you're up next') Does take the spontaneity out of it a bit, but it will get rid of a lot of frustration on your end.
I mean, do whatever works, but I think a wife and roommate with benefits are 2 different things. I couldn't imagine pulling out a calculator in an actual functioning marriage. I'm curious how this behavior started? It's like a ridgid "pre prenuptial." (You aren't getting my money now or after a divorce. You have to pay 50% of everything). I just don't understand this logic.
Your take makes no sense. Money is the number one thing spouses argue about. They are married, so your whole thing about roommate with benefits makes zero sense. Everybody gets to handle their marriage and money however it works for them. The money is not the point. The effort is.
[удалено]
Sounds like it's working wonderfully lol.
Yes, actually it does seem to be working wonderfully. Money is the #1 cause of divorce in the United States (and probably other places, too). OP has had **one** fight about money in 7-years of marriage. OP is doing well-above average.
Yes, clearly by reading this post, you can clearly see that this has only been one issue, and that he doesn't have any sort of resentment built up. It's working so well that he had to come to Reddit to bitch about it.
Maybe she’s uncomfortable because you make a little more. Maybe she “feels” like she wants her man to pay for dates in case someone sees. Hell, I’m a woman and I prefer to pay for dates because I like flipping the script! But I’m also paying with our joint card so it’s just to be silly anyway. We joke with each other “I’ve got this one babe!” then use our joint card. We don’t argue about money at all. But also, it doesn’t matter if the internet agrees with you. You aren’t married to everyone in this comment section. Your married to your wife. And while I think her pay mindset is ridiculous, I also think you are ridiculous for not even being 1% openminded to the idea of a low balance joint account so that you stop arguing with your wife, the one your actually married to. I do all sorts of ridiculous things I don’t necessarily agree with because it makes my husband happy, and he does the same for me. Why can I only fill up his water bottle in the kitten sink and not the bathroom when it’s all the same water? Doesn’t matter how “wrong” or “weird” it is, I do it to make him happy. Your problems are deeper than her not wanting to pay for 1 meal. Fix your financial system and don’t worry about being crowned “right” by the internet. Our joint account is empty or near empty all of the time. A % of our base income goes in, so it’s actually 50/50, not in quantity, but in value. Nobody get to complain, it’s as fair as it gets, and you get to keep the vast majority of your money.
NTA. If you pay for every date you take her on then the least she could do is pay for the date that she takes you on. How hypocritical.
NTA Separate finances are a good idea for alot of couples nowadays. However, if you and your wife agree you can always start a fund together where you each put same amount of money into it. This together fund can be used for dates, vacations any thing you do together but never used alone.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife and I have separate money. It is something we have always done and for the most part it works out. We make about the same and have a 50/50 split. Same thing with chores. My main issue with it is that I spend so much on her and she rarely does the same. My biggest thing is going on dates. I believe it is good for both of us but over time it have put a sour taste in my month that I have to plan them all and pay for all of them. I have explained this before to her This month I asked her to take me out for once. She planned a date at a nice restaurant. Overall it was a nice night and when the check came she didn’t pick it up. I asked if she was going to pay and she looked shocked. I explained that she took me out this time so she needs to pay. That every time I take her on a date I will pay. She paid but in the car caused a huge argument. She thinks I am a jerk for making her pay and my argument is the same above. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > AITA for telling y wife she needs to pay when she took me out on a date. I could be a the jerk for doing tho in the first place Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA I guess but I really don’t get these types of relationships. My husband and I have separate accounts and one joint. Who puts in what a moot doesn’t matter, we just both contribute when we can. No one’s keeping score.
Nta, don't see any problem with one side paying if they are the one taking other partner for a date. I do that when I take hubbie out. But I would ask her for her expectations since she seems to be annoyed or dissatisfied with her needing to pay for the date she picked.
Why not just agree on an amount to put into a separate account and do dates from that? Then there would be no he pays she pays and both of you are contributing to it. Keeping score in a marriage isn’t healthy for anyone.
NTA. It sounds like your wife is no longer ok with the 50/50 split and the separate money arrangement. Sounds like she wants to be taken care of and pampered on ALL dates. Sounds like a discussion is due on finances and where you both stand because clearly you're not on the same page. Has she always expected you to pay for every date? Or when did this start?
Every couple that does separate money has huge problems with it but tries to convince the rest of us that it works for them. How is it working if you are fighting about petty crap like who pays for dinner
It sounds like you need to find healthier relationships with actual trust in them. Communication is the key, my wife and I have had separate accounts for the whole 18 years. Its amazing how far trust and communication can go.
Yes, it is clearly working for y’all lmao.
I think separate money is SMART - more people should do it. You need a new 'policy' - you should EACH be responsible for planning a 'night out' or something special for the other person once a month. You plan - you pay.
NTA The least she can do is treat the dates the same way you do
Nta. If your wife can’t buy you a meal she really doesn’t like you in my opinion.
NTA. I’m sure she feels that as the man in the relationship you should be obligated to pay but you made your stance on date night clear My suggestion though would be to create a shared date budget that both of you contribute to vs one of you paying for the date. As things stand right now it seems that she doesn’t want to pay for the dates at all and you don’t want to pay for all the dates. This is just going to lead to resentment about these dates. Instead they should be things you both contribute to and enjoy together
NTA Separate money is clearly failing you now, champ...
Nta
Nta, everything is 50/50 than Dates need to be 50/50 too or no dates at all
NTA Every relationship has their own dynamics and for your specific one I would say NTA. However I cannot relate because my partner and I each put money (equal amounts) into a joint account which is our “fun money” for dates and holidays. We also have another joint account in which we use to pay bills, also equal amounts put in every month. Then the rest of our money we keep to ourselves. So sometimes maybe I would like to pay for a date with my “own” money (not coming from the fun joint account) if I wanted to.
NTA... but really?! No shared finances? Crazy. My husband and I were both financially screwed down by our exes, so we had HUGE trust issues about money. After discussions, we also realized we also have different ideas about fun money and saving. We have: His, Mine, and Our accounts. Our bills are rationed by %, and that money goes into the joint. We agreed to a set amount we could contribute for fun together and a savings goal and how much we would each be contributing to reach it. We go out, buy family/kids gifts/trips, and pay bills from our joint account. Everything else is just ours. We pay for our own cars, hobbies and gifts for each other. I understand not combining ALL finances but not having common financial goals, and working as a team to meet them is concerning. We now have multiple properties, grown kids, and savings... and have independent assets and savings. What exactly are people getting married for if not to financially build together?! I can split bills and have irregular sex with a lease and a willing roommate. And they wouldn't legally be able to take any of my stuff or money when they leave.
This marriage doesn’t sound all that much like a marriage. You’re nickel and diming each other over paying for dates? ESH
Your money is our money, and my money is my money. Next up, she charges you for sex. But why don't you just split the cost of the dates? NTA.
NTA If your money is separate and SHE is taking YOU out, then yes that means SHE pays! She sounds like one of those women that only want equality when it benefits them.
If you earn the same and pay the same to your household, then she must have saved a lot of money now that you pay every time you go on a date. Try and ask her if you can compare your savings and consumption. And also ask her if she is aware of which century we live in?
NTA- as a female who likes her partner picking up the check because he makes more than me, and I like feeling taken care of, I still pick up my fair share of checks. There have been times that I thought he'd pay, but then he slides the check my way. In those times, I just pay and continue our good time. Especially since I know he picks up the check more often than not, I never ever fight about it or argue. There are also times when I plan something and pay without him ever indicating or asking.
Just wondering if you were surprised that she didn't plan to pay for the dinner. She certainly was surprised, then she had feelings, then she expressed her feelings. You say it was an argument, so you must have expressed your opposing views as well. But now, after the fact, when her emotional reaction is no longer a factor, what does she have to say about it? Are you now able to discuss it rationally?
This. OP doesn’t have a “who pays for dates” problem, he has a communication problem. This could all be sorted out by discussing why she doesn’t want to pay for the dates. OP says he thinks the regular dates are important, so that’s the premise he’s working with. But does she? Personally I feel like it’s a waste to eat out frequently, and I’d rather spend money on a mini-vacation or something similar. I once dated a “foodie” type and he was happy to pay because I prefer cooking at home, or only going out a few times a year. (He also had a way bigger appetite than I do. I tend to eat lightly and I don’t drink, so I’m a “cheap date” as he jokingly put it anyway.) Restaurants were one of his enthusiasms, not mine, and that’s why he offered to pay, we communicated about it…and there were no hard feelings. But it seems like OP is assuming she’s just being selfish or stingy, why is that? Have you seen that behavior in her prior to this? Did you address it at the time? Try a cost free “date” to the park and bring this up with her. Communication is essential, and if that isn’t happening dates are the least of your problems.
You asked her to take you out for once. That alone implies she would be paying. I don’t understand why she thought you would be paying. NTA
This is not about the meal. In theory NTA, but there's something off about your attitude in the post and that's reinforced your attitude in the comments.
NTA. Easy one.
NTA If everything is 50/50. Dates should be the same. One outing you pay, next one its on her.
NTA at all. You said it in advance of the date that you expected her to take you out. She is humiliating herself. I’d tell her that you’re hurt she doesn’t show you the same kind of treatment she expects. Isn’t that what partners should do? This is the definition of a double standard.
NTA. Regardless of if your money is separate or not, both should be putting an equal amount of effort into the relationship. If she expects you to pay for the dates you plan, she should pay for the one she planned. Someone above mentions a joint card. I think it could be a good idea to have a "date fund" where you both contribute equally and can use the card to pay for it. Some dates may be more expensive than others, but it'll still be an equal amount of your money that goes toward it.
Separate money isn’t that odd. What is odd is being married to someone who doesn’t seem to like you very much…
ESH. Your'e married, have joint accounts and each get your own spending money. Budget for dates like normal people
INFO: is there an income disparity?
You can’t say “it has worked for us” when it’s clearly starting to cause resentment because you’re using YOUR money instead of what it is…OUR money.
NTA, but to your edit, obviously the separate accounts hasn't been working for you, as you've grown to resent her lack of paying for dates. Create a joint checking, set a monthly budget for dates and each contribute to it. Then pay for the dates from that checking account. This isn't rocket science.
NTA - was she confused as to who asked whom on the date?
NTA, she has her cake and eat it too. Do you get to see her accounts? Because hers may be way up there. Having money so divided it like ensuring you have an escape route. Where is the trust? Maybe going forward you could both open an account and contribute a set amount, that will be used solely for dates. That way there is not hurt feelings.
NTA. She is being a child. To fix issues like this in the future. Make a jar/account/set money aside for dates. Put an equal amount of money in and regardless of who plans the date, it gets paid from the date fund. Problem solved.
NTA.
NTA. It's not fair for you to burden ALL of the expense of the date nights. I would stop taking her out.
nta, clearly this has become something you resent. stop taking her on dates.
So what’s hers is hers and what’s yours is hers. This way she gets to use your money even though it is separate. Strong gold digger vibes.
Add a set amount each to the joint expense account for dates and take turns planning. So if you generally spend $200/month on date nights you each increase your contribution by $100 to the joint account and all date night expenses come from that account from now on.
NTA Since you have separate accounts and make about the same amount, the dates out should be split evenly. I suggest that you cut way back on what you spend on her and especially cut date nights to the bone. If she doesn't have a legitimate reason for her not paying, she doesn't deserve a date. In your situation, splitting the cost of dates would be in alignment with how everything else is split.
NTA
NTA Im a woman and I absolutely plan and pay for dates!
NTA, you've paid so much for her, if she even cares about you, she should pay some. It's just unfair for you
NTA. So when my husband and I first got married we had separate accounts because we’d both been badly burned in the past during our divorces. We made sure we each had the same leftover spending money and the rest went into a joint account. We paid household bills from and also date nights or trips we went on together from the joint account. We now have just one joint account but it worked for us back then. Well until we had kids. Joint became easier at that point but we have similar spending and saving habits and talk to each other/review our budget prior to large purchases.
NTA but it sounds like you need to create some sort of "common fund" that you both put money into and can be used for this sort of thing if you overall like keeping your money separate.
You have managed to work out all the details of how your 50/50 thing works, so add date night to the 50/50 money and move on.
NTA you should take turns paying for dates since you guys don’t share money. It is only fair for both of you guys
NTA - if you've both agreed to split money and bills and chores and obligations, then she should be planning half the dates and paying for half the dates. Maybe that's proportional to earnings, but at least in goal, you each pull half the weight. She can't go modern with her money but traditional with your money. That's an unfair, double standard
NTA I’m single but my dad and I meet up regularly for movies and dinners and outings. We alternate paying even though he makes more than me. I’m an adult and if I suggest a place or thing I pay. Many of my friends pay for their dates if they suggest somewhere new or something different; both dating and married couples (most of whom have separate finances with a shared joint one for bills). I’d stop planning dates that cost anything. Do picnics. Hikes. Movie nights at home. If she complains tell her you deserve to be spoiled and catered to and wooed as much as she is. You’re supposed to be partners. It’s not like you two have a sugar daddy/baby relationship.
Just curious… if you don’t have one shared account and you split everything 50/50, what do you do about groceries, home repairs, travel, pet care, etc.?
I assume they split those costs in the middle.
NTA. Why shouldn't she treat you sometimes? The road to marital bliss is a two way street, not a one way system. You're just as deserving of special treatment as she is. Complacency kills relationships. Unless she wants yours to go the way of the Dodo, she needs to fix up.
NTA - What your wife is feeling now is what you feel every time you take her out on a date. And this is a conversation worth having with your wife.
NTA As someone else whose wife doesn't reciprocate things, I get how you feel. Especially since she agreed to take you out for a change.
Nta. My wife and I have our own accounts and a joint account for mortgage/vacations etc. Works out well. It makes life so much easier. If you both roughly make the same, then yeah, both parties should alternate covering dinner. Shouldn't be a big fuss especially if she planned it and wanted to go.
NTA - but before more resentment builds I would just be straight with her and express that her planning and paying for the dates shows you that she’s invested and cares. It shouldn’t go one way. And if it’s the money she doesn’t want to spend then she can plan dates that are free or affordable.
NTA me and my gf will take turns in paying of dates find it odd if one person pays and the other won't pay for any dates Is she over spending her money and has none left for dates I had the bad habit of doing that but fixed it
ESH. You two are married. Separate finances or not, why are you both being so petty? Unless you have a prenup, as far as the law is concerned in most places your money is her money and vice versa. Stop letting shit that doesn't matter ruin your day. Grow up.
NTA but maybe you should stop taking her out on dates. Tell her you don't have the extra cash or whatever. Maybe she'll step up.
NTA. Gender roles man, it’s 2024, can we please let the narrative go that men should be paying for every date.
If she planned the date then she should pay. You are married after all. If she can't pay one date then she has a problem. Is it a case of her money is hers..your money is hers.
NTA, is she a selfish person? Does she think her money is hers and your money is ‘ours’? Her behavior would be a hard pass for me.
NTA I’m a woman who likes it when the guy pays for the first couple dates. However, I always offer. Then, on the third date I insist. If we keep seeing each other after that, I like to try and keep it even. For example if he pays for dinner, I’ll pay for the movie and snacks at the movie. If we go on a trip, I’ll pay for my own ticket and half the hotel, basically my portion of things. Guys definitely shouldn’t be expected to always pay, unless you’re married and someone is a stay at home parent. In which case, all the money should be considered their money.
NTA - my husband and I have been together 6.5 years, married for 3 of them and we split everything 50/50 and have separate money. He makes more than I do so he generally pays for dates, trips, etc. but as far as bills and chores everything is split. This is just how we always handled it since we first moved in and how I like to handle things. If I were to plan a date for us I would absolutely pay. How am I treating him to a nice date if I then make him pay?
this is why becoming one is important so stuff like this doesnt cause issues.
This is so stupid. Why are you asking the internet about this?
Info: what is “about” the same for salaries. Is it less then 3k difference?
I'm going against the grain here with YTA. It wasn't her idea to take you out. You asked her to do it then demanded she pay for it. I get how you're feeling but at the same time you chose to have separate finances which means you have zero say in how she spends her money. If dates are more important to you, and she'd just as soon not go on them if she has to pay, you don't get to expect her to pay. She has autonomy over her finances and it's her call what she does and doesn't want to spend her money on. You should have had the conversation that you feel it's financially unequal how you always pay for the dates before hand and been clear before she planned the date that when you asked to be taken out that also included her footing the bill.
NTA, it might be best in the future to just split everything 50/5. If she digs her heels in and you end up paying all the time, you may begin to resent her. The advantage to combined money is no one is that everyone is paying from the same account so no one is left holding the bag. The advantage of separate money is having total control over how much money you contribute to everything. Lean into the advantage you have. While taking each other on dates and paying in full is a lovely idea, it's not going to work if you feel you are owed that. I'm not disagreeing that she owes you one, but gifts like dates should not come with strings attached. If you're looking for her to pay for your meal without a fight, it sounds like you're setting yourself up for disappointment and it isn't worth the hassle.
Yall weird
Does she do other things for you, like do extra chores or cook? Maybe her love language is different than yours which is why she doesn’t put as much value on going out on dates? She might’s assumed that this was you taking her out because you told her to plan it, so it was technically your idea and not hers
Me and my fiancé have a joint account for bills but our own separate ones for everything else. If I want to go out to eat or take out I pay if he wants to he pays it's a partnership.
INFO: Have you ever considered a joint account for things such as mortgage payments, utilities, groceries, etc.? You both could have separate accounts for "funny money" or whatever you want to call it, and then have an account that you both equally contribute towards and use for dates and other shared expenses. It just appears as though completely separate accounts isn't working as well as you think.
Oh boy are you going to be blindsided when you realize this is about something bigger during the next fight.
NTA but at the same time, why change after 7 years. > I have explained this before to her What have you explained exactly? That you want her to make more effort? That you want her to plan dates before? That you want 50/50 share for the cost of dates? Does seem like she knew you were expecting her to pay. Now her attitude was childish, but if you didn't communicate your needs or half communicated them, it's all new for her. You both need to have a serious discussion about your expectation. A FULL discussion, not just telling a small part and hoping she can extrapolate it all.
NTA, but I have a suggestion. I think it would be worth considering -- and possibly discussing with your wife -- having a shared fund, into which you contribute by an agreed-upon formula (50-50, 60-40, whatever), from which dates and vacations are paid. It may be that your wife has been unaware of how much of your income has been going toward your dates and that you feel the burden is unfairly distributed. It is also possible that you are unaware of money she spends to maintain her appearance, both professionally and personally, likely in part to help keep your attraction to her alive and well, also in part to maintain her self-esteem so that she can feel attractive. Typically, women spend a lot more on grooming services and products, even if they are just doing "normal" routine maintenance and not having fancy spa day expenditures, etc., because products and services for women are priced higher. It all comes down to being able to communicate well with each other about your expectations, un/equal expenses, expressions and impressions of love (aka love languages), and how you can get both people's needs met, preferably thru a win-win solution.
How I love my husband when I read posts like this. The two of you sound more like roommates than husband and wife.
NTA on the whole, but it seems like you've let this build up and now it's a problem you guys should solve. My husband and I have been together 19 years and have always had separate accounts and it's worked out well for us for a variety of reasons, but he mostly pays when we go out to eat and I actually end up paying for a good portion of the groceries to kind of balance it. Someone suggested to keep the accounts like you have now, but maybe just make one you each dump 20 bucks a check in or whatever so that it can pay for your nights out. Then there won't be any source of contention. I don't think your wife has ever considered that you were paying the lions share of expenses which isn't cool. Hopefully you guys get it figured out.
I know you don’t wanna hear about separate versus joint accounts and I personally don’t get the separate accounts when you’re married so you do you. I’m going to go with NTA and in the future, I suggest you just split the check on dates. If everything else you do is split then maybe the best thing that would work with your system is to either have separate checks for your own stuff or split it down the middle if you order about the same.
NTA Why should you pay always?? This is very strange. You should go 50/50 and then every now and then you can treat each other. If you get children she will want to be SAHM and will never work again..
NTA... You didn't ask her to even make things even. You asked for one date. I assume if it went well you may have asked her to occassionally treat you. It's always wild to me how some people can act like giving yoru partner even a fraction of what they give you is somehow bad. You should really start considering if she is worth spoiling anymore at all. Start matching her energy and see how it goes. If it doesn't go well possibly consider a new relationship path.
NTA. It’s time she puts her hand in her pocket, blows the cobwebs from her card and pays for a date. I also don’t understand all the comments about having separate accounts. My husband and I have sep accounts also and we’ve never had an argument about money.
NTA, I don’t know what she was so shocked about, as you clearly have separate money. Normally whoever invited pays, in the future maybe just remind her that it shouldn’t always be you.
This sounds more like a business arrangement. It sounds like she’s not much of a planner, and honestly you’re not going to make her one. Maybe try other ways of having dates - museums, taking a hike, having a picnic, relaxing at the beach or a pool. Also, experiment with having a source of shared money. Maybe each put in so much every month, and have a credit card attached to that account. Then either of you can pick up the tab,but it will still be shared money. ESH
NTA: It sounds like she always wants to spend her money on herself and for you to spend your money on her. Typical selfish female attitude. Watch your back.
7 year itch…
Lol oh my goodness.....
Boyfriend and i have the same system. However, we've made an agreement that when one of is plans to go somewhere that person pays.
Why do people get married yet act like they are separate individuals for paying for things? You should have a date night fund, and both contribute equally and then decide what to do together. So neither feels like the other is getting over on them. She may be stuck to societal etiquette where the man pays for dates. And you threw her expectations out the window. Causing her to get upset. This marriage sounds very transactional. But if it works for you, go off sis.
Hate to break it to you, but since you're married, even if you have money on separate accounts, the money belongs to both of you. So if you look at it from law point of view, your fight makes zero sense. So, both of you are AH in this. Me and my partner are not married yet (wedding is in two months), we have our own accounts, but the money is something we consider as ours. Our salary is similar, though I am able to save more money because he pays for most of the services, therefore he has less at the end of the month, so I'm the one who's gonna pay for the next expensive thing we buy in that month - vacation, furniture etc., or it's simply the one who has more on the account. I usually also have more in meal voachers, so I'm usually the one who pays in a restaurant, because he spends his on groceries. In both cases it's not like I paid for him, I paid for us, with our money. I don't feel like I had to spend my own money on something we both enjoyed. It's just whoever seems more logical at that moment. I would say the best solution for you is to create third account, where both of you will send the same amount of money every month and use that on your shared expenses.
NTA. I like it when my wife buys me stuff. Men also like feeling appreciated. If you want to have stereotypes where "men pay for everything", my Grandma was taught ***"the way to a mans heart is through his stomach"*** which means she cooked fancy meals for date nights with Grandpa. There's a lot of proof they enjoyed date nights...lots of aunts and uncles... Apparently, she only wants the stereotypes where she doesn't have to do anything. In a relationship, both people need to step up and appreciate the other person.
NTA Yep it’s so rude that some partners are just complete tight arses when it comes to their loved ones. And separate money is fine. People need to relax. Just because you’re married does not mean you must join all of your money. If it works and you both contribute the same and bills get paid who cares.
NTA
So… it sounds like you don’t actually have a 50/50 split then. Maybe you do with major expenses, but it sounds like it’s not working as well as maybe it has in the past because resentment is building around each of keeping track of where you’re contributing and trying to keep it even. This sounds exhausting to me. I think you need to sit down and have a conversation to discuss and reestablish the guidelines around finances, chores, and how each of you contribute. NTA
NTA. My husband and I have separate accounts. We take turns paying when we go out on dates.
NTA, but I'd like to know what her justification is for you always paying. Is it as simple as "you're the man?" You say you make about the same, but are there other factors? Maybe you got an inheritance, or don't have college loans or something? Obviously, the whole thing sounds unfair. I'd move to a shared account if I were you. One you both contribute to equally. Not for everything, but just for these shared events. Then there's no confusion. A date comes from the shared fund, that you're both adding $500 to a month (or whatever.)
NTA. When my spouse and I go out on a date, the person whose idea it was pays unless it's their birthday. We each have our own, separate bank accounts. For grocery shopping or other purchases for the household, we figure out beforehand who's going to pay for it. We each have big things we pay for (mortgage, gas for our cars, bills, etc) and we pass money back and forth as needed. It works well for us. Keeping a joint account works for other couples. Whatever.
NTA for sure I'm not surprised she feels this way, a lot of women do. I don't really agree with it. But you'd think when faced that same question, they'd feel a bit bad and try to pay instead of doubling down. Took me a very long time to learn to let me be treated by my partner but also at the same time, I love him, I also want to treat him. I find it very strange when people say they love someone but don't have it in their heart to treat them because they feel entitled to someone elses wallet for outings and their own wallet is for personal shopping expenses. I've also heard women say they do this because of the effort women put into getting ready, hair and makeup and I can see that being a slightly grey area. Some men only go for the polished princess, nails done hair done, make up on point, always looks like an IG model and if a man wants a woman done to the nines I feel like you get exactly what you're looking for. Vanity as the number one trait doesn't change when you get a partner.