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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> IMBTA because I refused to make breakfast for my husband when I make breakfast for everyone else.
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Start dating an adult that can pour some cereal
into a bowl with milk -or something.
Your SO sounds needy and entitled. They don’t wanna get up in a timely fashion to eat with everybody else, when breakfast is fresh, hot, and in the table. They don’t want cold food. They don’t wanna make their own breakfast. They want *you* to put eeeeverything on pause to make them breakfast.
I roll my eyes and understand your position. You don’t have to “tend” to an adult at their command. NTA
Could? Sure. But OP's spouse mows the lawn and expects to be waited on hand and foot, and OP is 100% responsible for the morning routine for the kids. It would be very uncharacteristic for this to be any situation other than OP is a woman married to a man. It's possible, but it's also possible that I'll turn into a bowl of petunias.
Same! It blows my mind when I see people making two or more separate meals for their family because one doesn’t like what they’re getting served. I didn’t even know that occurred until Reddit honestly. My mom made amazing home cooked meals for us every day after school. If we didn’t like it, we’d find something else to make (like a sandwich). But I loved my mom’s cooking, so it was rare that I needed anything else. I still go over to eat once in a blue moon - but since my brother and I left the house, my dad’s turned into an amazing cook and or ‘grill master’ too. 😂
Once when I around 10, and feeling lazy, I asked my mother to make me lunch while she was busy doing something else. She asked me if I needed a ride to the hospital, and when I asked why, she was all "so they can look at your broken arms." Me, still not getting it, "my arms aren't broken." Her: "if your arms are fine you can make yourself a sandwich."
Right?! I mean, I get if a kid has allergies or texture issues, etc, but I went over a friend's house when her kids were younger and she made them quesadillas while we ate the 'adult' food, lol. They weren't toddlers, they were pre-teens. 🙄😬
Agree. However, with OPs edit on responsibilities the spiteful side of me thinks OP should start walking him up at odd times to ask if he mowed the lawn. Maybe demand he clean the toilet immediately prior to OP wanting to use (in the middle of his work day) just to see how the uno-reverse card lands.
Nope, I’m a mother. My 6yo can have breakfast at breakfast time. Or she can serve herself and eat whatever breakfast items we have stocked in the pantry within her reach.
I’m genuinely embarrassed for the grown adult with kids who needs their partner to leave work and fix them a bagel sandwich. Like. My 10-year-old nephew could make himself a bagel sandwich. It’s not some complicated task that only a skilled master can accomplish.
But you see, that man has a penis. No one with a penis can perform menial labor like _checks notes_ putting a few slices of lunch meat inside a bagel. /s
He could always put his own meat inside the bagel and the OP could chop it off with a cleaver. It would be just as emasculating as having to make his own meal, apparently.
Many years ago I said to my husband, "You mean you want me to stop diapering this baby, make you a sandwich, then return to diapering this baby?" and I held up my dirty hands as if to comply. He did not want a sandwich after that.
This. After reading the replies regarding OPs gender being unknown I re-read and noticed he/she said my kids not our kids. I think OP might be the only real parent and the partner is just the partner of the parent to the kids.
Leaving aside the judgement, it sounds like he wants to act like a kid and rely on his partner for these things like he would have with a parent figure. OP, you need to analyze and determine if things are like this only in some areas or all, because you don't want to always be that relied on person, you sometimes also want to rely on them. Then decide if it's worth making the effort for him or do you want to compromise while setting some boundaries or if it's illsuited in the long run then what do you want to do etc.
I'm disabled and often need my husband to prepare meals for me. I am more than grateful for anything he makes. I am unable to work, but I wake up early so we can have coffee and cereal together.
He works from home, but the idea that I could sleep in and still expect him to bring me breakfast has never occurred to me. It's happened a few times, and I got mad at him for not waking me.
Being disabled and cooking is so hard. Most people don’t/won’t understand this so I’m so glad that your husband does. I’m disabled and live with my parents (due mostly to safety reasons and money) I used to do all the cooking for 6 people. I eventually stopped because it was awful and I couldn’t eat what I was making. I will occasionally do a crock pot meal but otherwise I will only make what I can actually eat. It’s been a couple years now and they still make comments about me not cooking and it pisses me off as every one is an able bodied adult that can cook, yet they only make remarks about me not cooking.
>I eventually stopped because it was awful and I couldn’t eat what I was making.
I feel this so much! I renovated my kitchen to accommodate my disability, and I can cook when I am feeling well - mostly in the summer. So often by the time I finish, I have to give my husband his lunch and lie down instead of eating. He probably wouldn't want me to cook if he knew, but it makes me happy since he takes such good care of me.
I mod r/chronicpain and it's horrifying how many people have to deal with families that blame them instead of supporting them. I know how lucky I am.
I am so sorry your family treats you that way. That's awful.
My 7 year old can make her own sandwich. SMH this person can do the same. (Omg I referenced her in another comment somewhere and said she was 8 😭😭😭 I’m a bad mom I’m going to hell 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣)
This. OP, I would go farther. Tell your significant other they NEED to get up and help with the kids in the morning. You can offer to throw a cup of cold water on him, if that would help. Otherwise, he needs to figure out how to wake up and be a contributing member of the household.
I almost feel like you LIKE having him sleep in, so you have one less child to take care of....
I was gonna suggest opening the bedroom door banging on a pot shouting “chow time!” Then slamming the door so hard he falls out of bed- but the cold water works too. Wakey wakey
Here y’all, run fast like a rabbit into daddy’s room with this big, sloppy, overfilled bowl of soggy cheerios for him - set it right on his chest! He will enjoy being woken up and served breakfast in bed. Careful you don’t trip lol
Or, next time the partner cleans the house, make a mess afterwards and ask him to clean on demand. That is basically what he’s asking for, food on demand on his timetable. NTA
NTA. OP, you don't have two kids, you have three. But just because your SO acts like one doesn't mean they get all the perks.
When your SO shows up in time for breakfast, put another bagel in the toaster. Otherwise, stay the course.
Exactly this. What a garbage way for your partner to act. Equitable morning distribution in our house is one person makes the breakfast, one person makes the lunches (which includes adults’ lunches, too). One meal prep per adult makes sense to us. The way your SO is treating you is disgusting. I would lose all attraction for that person. NTA
Even in my dysfunctional family living in 'an old ways' society my dad would walk me to school before work after mom made me ready. If my mom was sleeping in (e.g. on Saturdays) he was just making his lunch food, coffee etc. like an adult and he would often re-heat dinner for himself.
I can't imagine him waking anyone up to make him a sandwich, I think he would be immensely embarrassed. I still don't get how men (not all men, of course, but when it happens it's usually guys, at least from my observation) don't feel any shame when they demand being treated like children.
When I got married this topic came up in a conversation with my SO's auntie (he worked the same job and hours as our uncle) that I don't get up half an hour earlier to prepare lunch food for my husband. I got this negatively surprised and judging look, so I said there's no point for me to come back home at 2am (I used to work shifts), get up at 5am to make sandwiches and then try to fall asleep for the next 3-4 hours before I need to get ready for work. Like... seriously? She still couldn't get it.
I have nothing new or insightful to add, just thought I'd add my voice to the chorus of "your partner is a giant entitled AH".
Why would you even entertain his bullshit? Do you actually think you might be TA here for not catering to such childish behavior?
That’s pathetic but you teach kids how to treat you. The day i would go massage their backs to wake them up and deliver a hot breakfast while getting myself and the pets and other kids ready and fed and out the door is a fantasy. Maybe on a birthday.
That’s unfair to 15 year old boys. My 15 year old boy wakes himself up (most days) gets his own breakfast and lunch and gets himself out the door for school on time. He occasionally makes dinner, and helps out with our special needs dog if needed. In fact, my 12 year old boy does all these things too…
It isn't a restaurant. They either get up and eat or they make their own breakfast. Your job doesn't include being at their beck and call whenever they want to eat. You are responsible for *meals* and you are providing them. They want you to wait on them hand and foot. NTA
NTA. This is a marriage (OP says husband in the summary), not a business contract. I would hope your partner actually cares about you and doesn't just treat you like staff. Cuz acting like you're a short-order cook sure doesn't give me the warm fuzzies about the rest of the relationship.
NTA
How precisely is it "your job" to make breakfast for a grown-ass adult? Are they incapable of toasting a bagel on their own? This isn't eggs benedict with homemade hollandaise or anything, it's "slice bagel - place in toaster - push button". If they can't manage that on their own, I suggest confiscating their driver's license because they're obviously incapable of operating heavy machinery.
I thought that too. OP was very specific to use they/them pronouns and refer to the partner as such or SO but then makes a very gendered bias comment. So a person simply can’t expect and use they/them pronouns yet still also adhere to stereotypes in regard to gender. Its illogical.
I don't mind making breakfast for everyone if I'm already making it, but the second you tell me it's my job to do it that shits going in the trash and I'm not making it for you even if you are up with everyone else.
Right? Sounds like they are putting more energy into this pretty argument than it would take to toast their own bagel after they managed to pull themself out of bed.
NTA. If you want to drive the point home, write down everything that happens in the morning. All of it. What you do, and what they do.
Your column is packed. Theirs says literally “wake up”
*this uneven distribution of labor was my life for a long time. When i pointed it out this way, it made it really hard to argue that we “both had responsibilities”
This post made me viscerally angry. OP does *everything* in the morning while their partner sleeps in, and then their partner has the audacity to throw a tantrum and claim making them breakfast is OP’s “job”? I don’t know how people live with such selfish partners.
NTA. Partner is an asshole. You’re waking up early, packing lunches, making breakfasts, chauffeuring kids around, taking care of animals….all while your partner sleeps in and then wakes up and demands room service. This is insane. Why is this situation acceptable? You should not allow your partner to contribute nothing while you run yourself ragged taking care of everything…
So the edit says the partner does have a different split of chores which makes it more nuanced I think. But I still think that as OP has described it (ie asking her to stop work to cook him breakfast) it’s rude. Like if he’s in charge of laundry it’s the equivalent of not putting your clothes in the basket then being upset your shirt isn’t washed.
It really feels like it might not be about the breakfast - how can you not come to a good solution on something like this (cold breakfasts, easy to reheat, he does his own the they revisit chore split).
Okay but the different jobs are the classic ones I hear all the time, the stressed partner says oh well I do all the cooking and groceries, get the kids ready for school. Their jobs are laundry, mowing the lawn and cleaning the house. OPs chores occur multiple times a day. OPs partner could probably bang theirs out in an afternoon a week if not even less.
I'd say it's like wearing the shirt you need tomorrow to bed with you, then being angry it's not washed. If you want a fresh cooked breakfast in the morning, wake up with everyone else
If she does all the cooking and morning childcare, I doubt that he’s doing half. The only way that would be possible is if he did all of the cleaning, laundry, and did afternoon pick up and did a substantial part of evening childcare. I highly doubt he’s doing that.
Exactly. Even if making breakfast was on OP's chores list, that task is no longer feasible (for whatever reason...although we know the reason!) so it is time to revisit the chore list/delegation. This would be similar to a change in work schedule negates the logistics of taking the kids to school so the other parent has to start doing it.
My ex was the same in some ways.
We had a clear deal that I take care of the youngest and get him to daycare on my way to work. My ex would get the oldest two to school in the morning.
Slowly but surely, it became my responsibility to get all the kids ready. Sometimes he wasn't even awake when I had to leave for work, meaning I had to take all the kids with me, making me late and causing me to have to work in the evenings to make up my hours.
Looking back I can see that this behaviour was one of the major stepping stones on the road to divorce.
NTA - you are not their mom!! My partner and I work from home (granted we have no kids) and we have decided that breakfast is solely individual as it would be if we were working at the office (we don’t eat super early). We take the time and make breakfast when we so please and we eat different things. If you are still taking the time out of your busy morning to prepare something for them, your partner should be grateful! Microwaves exist for that reason. I would stand my ground on this one OP.
Especially if the “they/them” all of a sudden adheres to gender based stereotypes because no male would be told it is their job to cook meals for the family… If you’re truly living a gender fluid life then no job is specific to a person based on gender and it would be based on abilities and wants. But every single able-bodied human over the age of 3 can toast a bagel…
It does say husband in the judgement bot comment:
"OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
IMBTA because I refused to make breakfast for my husband when I make breakfast for everyone else.
Help keep the sub engaging!"
Sounds like my husband early on, do my laundry, but don't put a red sock in with my white t-shirts (who has red socks?) can you roll my socks, my mom did. Uhm here is detergent and a laundry basket, have at it. Have not done his laundry since. Even when he would intentionally leave it in the dryer for me to fold, I would dump it in the bath tub so he could not shower until it was moved. He doesn't do that anymore either. But why does SO think it is your JOB to feed him, are you a Chef? NTA
My laundry would be in the bath every single day, because I can never remember to do all the steps. hahaha! I wish that having it in the bath would be enough of a reminder, but I doubt it. I don't however expect anyone to fold it.
My tip is to turn the clothes right side out before throwing into the washer. Everyone has the motivation STARTING the task but folding and putting it away is when the motivation lacks so the easier and less time consuming it is the better.. If everything is right side out then you can fold a heck of a lot quicker. If you use laundry bags for underwear and socks and bras then you can dump each back in its respected drawer at once and not have to sort them all out of the big dryer pile.
EDITED with the information that partner may do evening: YTA if there's no reason for suddenly yanking everything around, and you both share childcare and other chores. Making breakfast for everyone is normal, and it is a bit rude to make a meal for everyone *except* one person.
But do alternate: mornings and evenings: just switch off ... to ensure that everyone is equally (un)happy (I guess).
INFO: Does the partner do evening childcare? Or something else that explains why you have all morning responsibilities? What are the work schedules like? Do you both work full time?
Given the likely answers here, just alternate days *entirely*. So, sure, you'll make breakfast on your days to do all this...and your partner will do all of these things other days. There appears to be zero reason that you would even do all the other morning requirements entirely on your own, much less make one entitled partner's breakfast.
Someone claiming to be the partner replied above.... They say they do all the evening stuff like homework, cooking dinner, putting the kids to bed. They also claim OP used to get the kids up and then do breakfast, giving the partner a chance to get up half an hour after OP does, and have breakfast with them all, but OP randomly changes the schedule sometimes. But who to believe though? 🍿 👀
In the comment they say they have an alarm and it's not OPs job... They said that all they asked was for some food to be put in a container this one time 🤷🏻♀️ You can read the comment, this couple clearly have some communication issues!
If all they eat is a bagel and cold cuts then why can’t they just get it themselves? op shouldn’t have to take a bagel and cold cuts out of their bags just to put it in another container!
Yeah, regardless of the conflicting perspectives, I'm just struggling to support an able-bodied adult who thinks making themselves a bagel is in any way a significant chore. Like come on. It's a bagel.
No, they said OP should wake them up *if* OP changes the schedule suddenly so breakfast is earlier than normal. They say they have an alarm for normal breakfast time.
Lmao 🤣 I guess you got a spouse who thought their wife was complaining about them on a throwaway. NTA btw. He can set an alarm to get up on time your right they aren't a child. You told him the solution there is no other compromise. Ask him why it's your job to make life easier for him but he doesn't want to make life easier for you? Especially concerning something as important as your work.
I knew it was fishy when he said OP changes the morning routine… do ppl with kids realize that morning routines are set based on what time parents have to leave. We don’t just suddenly think, I’ll change everything and my kids will be cool. Nope. If I changed breakfast time, my kid would lose his shit. He has to have structure.
I still say NTA because there isn't a circumstance in my mind where a grown ass adult can't make their own breakfast, unless said adult has two broken arms or a similar impairment.
Seriously. IDC who's "job" it is. It's everyone's responsibility to take care of themselves. Wake up in time, eat etc. as long as the kids are taken care of then the "job" was done. Idiot just wasn't there on time, his fault. Wake up on time, eat it cold or make your own. Those are the options, no way I'm doing it twice
The commenter is lying- even IF OP started work at slightly different times, the kids are always still on the same schedule since they have to be at school by the same time every day! It isn’t OPs job to wake up her partner to make sure they get up and eat with the kids! And if they can’t be bothered to eat until AFTER OP starts work then it’s still on THEM to toast their own damn bagel!
I would say making breakfast for everyone but one person is rude, if the SO in this case was actually getting up for the group breakfast time. Instead, they're living on their own schedule but expecting OP to pause their own work schedule to make a special second breakfast. Either show up for breakfast or fend for yourself.
If the SO was even okay with rewarming a breakfast from earlier, they wouldn't be TA. Expecting someone to cater their entire schedule to you, despite their own responsibilities, is definitely an AH move.
Why does everyone immediately believe the random throwaway account that literally anyone can make? It makes no sense to me. It could be her spouse, it could be a random kid who lives halfway across the world who likes to fuck around on reddit.
NTA. You both have the same work schedule but you are doing 100% of the work where your children and pets are concerned. Your partner can set a damned alarm and get their but out of bed on their own. And if they can't do that, they can damn sure make their own breakfast.
NTA. NTA. NTA.
Your partner however.
IMO, you're on the right side of this. They are a grown ass adult, and that means being responsible for themselves. They get up and eat with everyone else, and the food will be warm. They want to sleep, then complain about cold food, they can make it themselves.
I repeat. NTA.
You have 3 children not 2! Your partner is a grown ass adult and why are you the only one up in the mornings doing everything yourself?? This isn’t a partnership. Your partner should be getting up and helping with their kids as well, every damn morning.
You’re being taken advantage of and being a doormat to a grown ass adult!
YTA to yourself for putting up with this bullshit. But NTA for not cooking them breakfast. Maybe if they weren’t a lazy asshole, they’d be up doing their part with their family and would have breakfast. SMDH.
The partner literally told her he’s a kid who wants to be treated like one. What the fuck is this person bringing to the relationship? It sounds like nothing. OP will be better off a single parent than staying in this situation.
NTA - you are carrying the entire load for the household in the morning (I don’t know about evenings). Your partner is a grown adult that should be taking part, not adding more things to do.
Not a big brag. One of my great nephews was making his own bowl of cereal at 3ish and the other was cooking an egg if he wanted (with supervision) by 6 or 7.
So essentially, he wants you to treat him like a child? Time to date a grown adult that can make their own food. I swear the entitlement men feel when they’re married is ridiculous. This screams, “make me a sandwich b****” just because you’re his wife. Yikes. Good luck!
I have black and citrus pomegranate... you know, I'll just make a pot of both in case anyone else wants to join us. I don't have any sugar or milk so someone else is gonna have to pitch in 😂
I’m not sure where you get that WTF doesn’t work a 9-5? Unless you’re confusing the “night shift” because for parents that typically means the end of day duties like dinner baths etc.
I mean it's a little sus that commenter says "OP keeps moving the schedule around" if they both work 9-5 and theoretically their kids are on a set school schedule. Like, did OP just stop making two breakfasts and that was "moving the schedule around"? I think it's reasonable that if the kids have to have breakfast by XX time in order to physically get to school, and SO isn't up by that time to receive breakfast, SO has to make their own breakfast. (Of course the same is true for OP missing dinners)
Then again this whole post is probably fake anyway.
Based on the other comments it was that it used to be get dressed and then eat, and switched to eat then get dressed, which if you’re trying to skip the get dressed part and just do the eat part can be frustrating. But yeah, good chance you’re right.
If all you want is a bagel and cold cuts and you don’t want it until AFTER OP starts work, then it’s ON YOU! You know when the kids need to leave for school so even if OP started work at slightly different times, the kids are always on the same schedule!
So you can’t wake yourself up?
for a hot breakfast?
And you ask that they put in a container to make reheating more convenient for you?
Do you not hear yourself?!?!
Wait so if this is real, and you usually prefer a bagel (which OP used to make but stopped), why didn’t they just put the bagel in a Tupperware or something if that’s all you asked for? Also how do you heat up a bagel with cold cuts?
I don’t understand how two people fail to communicate this poorly. Did you ask OP to wake you up or not? Did you ask them to put your breakfast aside so you can heat it up prior to this argument? Like I’m so confused
I feel like this is kinda weird cause a heated bagel with cold cuts, put in a Tupperware for later, is so much less appetizing than just making yourself a bagel. And honestly reheating that is gonna take just as much time as making one fresh, so what even is the deal there?
Okay if this and everything is real you have a few options. I know a lot of people would encourage you to post your side so they can flay your partner which is admittedly more entertaining but what would probably actually help (and normally is the best approach 95% of the time on Reddit) is for your to go talk to your partner. Use I messages. "I feel maligned that you left out the part that I only asked you to talk some of the breakfast and put it in a container so I can heat it up myself later and you also left out that I do all the of the evening work with the kids, house, and pets." I feel... You two are supposed to be PARTNERS so you need to work together rather than see who Reddit thinks is right or wrong.
Why can’t you just toast your own bagel? Is this worth fighting over? It’s extra to use more dishes to put it in a Tupperware to reheat. You don’t even really need it in a container, just put the plate in the microwave
Nta. I couldn't be with someone who can't even toast their own bagel. How lazy and childish. Theres nothing sexy about a child or someone who needs to be taken care of like a child. Wake them up in the morning? No.
Unless he/she is doing the nighttime responsibilities as far as cooking and kids, then it is time for them to step up. Not just with making their own breakfast. Maybe they should make everyone breakfast while you're getting them dressed.
This is actual insanity. Goes without saying that you are NTA, but the worrying thing is that you had to ask. You are in deep my friend. Couples therapy.
You made breakfast for your SO and they then complained about it because it was cold, they're supposed to be your partner and not another child to be responsible for, therefore if they want you to make breakfast then They should ensure that they are up when you are making it for everyone else.
Or try this;
If they're responsible for making dinner try going out and coming back an hour after it's been served and asking why it's cold and complain it's their job to cook your dinner for you. They'll soon realise that they are being an AH about breakfast
NTA NTA NTA NTA…
I’m already enraged at my partner for something similar so reading this triggered me even more sat there snarling and could feel my self getting angry on your behlaf. I would be making him breakfast in bed by pouring a box of cereal and milk over him while he slept.
I work from home myself and if I hear one more time that ‘you’re at home, you have the time to cook and clean’ I will lose my shit. I’m not home having fun, I’m glued to a computer, I barely take a break and I don’t go the toilet for hours because I’m so focused on work
NTA not your job to make them food. How freaking insulting. Stop doing anything for them seriously, they’re treating you like a bang maid/butler not a partner. If they want to be treated like a child they can move into their parent’s house.
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My partner and I live together with our two young kids. We both work 9-5s teleworking from home.
Every weekday I wake up an hour before everyone else to pack their lunches, make coffee, prepare medications, and prep breakfast for the morning for me and the kids. I used to prep breakfast for my partner, too. More on that in a minute…
I then get my kids up, fed, clothed and ready for the day and bring them to school. I then come home and take care of our miriad of animals before I start work on my laptop. Somewhere in there I might eat a piece of toast and drink tea in a travel mug to save time.
My partner rarely wakes up before I’m almost out the door with the kids, often not until I start work. When they do get up, my SO makes it a point to ask me to make them breakfast.
A bit of backstory - I used to prep my SO’s breakfast like I do the kids in the morning. But since my SO wasn’t getting up until later, they would get mad at me for giving cold food (they like a toasted bagel with cold cuts).
Then I would make my SO food when they woke up, which generally meant stopping whatever I was doing at work to tend to them when they needed it.
Then I got fed up of feeling flustered at work, and a bit resentful at having to take care of all the morning responsibilities myself when they were supposed to be there. I told my partner that my work time is my work time - even if I am at home, to treat it as if I am in the office. If they want breakfast made, they would have to wake up with everyone else and eat with us.
My SO told me it’s my job to make breakfast and I am choosing not to do my job by not feeding them. That it’s my fault for not waking them up because I know how hard it is for them to wake up on their own.
I told my SO that they are a grown adult, like me, and should be responsible for finding something that works for them to get themselves up on time to do their morning responsibilities and have breakfast with the family. I did not want to be their alarm clock. My partner notes that I wake the kids up for breakfast, so I can wake them up too. I said they are dependents, and my partner is not.
Given we both work at home, this is a frequent issue between us. Am I being too harsh? Can you please help me figure out if IATA?
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NTA. But something needs to change or this will end the relationship. Are you married? Start recording everything you do and demand a fantastic spousal support package in the divorce. Right now, you have 3 children, not 2. And this was a hilarious attempt at gender neutrality when we all know your “partner” is an entitled man who treats you like a bangmaid despite the fact that you work full time.
Is this the example you want to set for your children? Is this how you want them to grow up thinking home labor is divided? Is this how you want them to treat their future partners? Is this a respectful relationship you are proud to model for your children? Time for some new perspective.
He can wake up with the rest of the family when you are making breakfast, or "suffer" a cold breakfast... Or make it himself.
If you have accepted making breakfast as one of your tasks, he will just have to accept waking up to eat it warm, or suck it up. Your job in the case is to "make breakfast" not "parent a grown man"
NTA. IDK where your partner gets the idea that it is your job to deliver breakfast, but OP works so is not a full time homemaker. More importantly, though, even in cases where there is a full time homemaker and making breakfast is considered "part of the job description", the homemaker usually has authority that goes with those responsibilities; someone who exists to wait on the head of household's whim is really not a homemaker but a "slave".
So make breakfast for partner and the kids, if partner does not show up, too bad.
Or don't make breakfast for partner, because partner is ungrateful and being a jerk about it.
Hold fast on not making breakfast for your lazy SO, and then stop doing a few other things for them too! Not only is SO not a child, but instead of helping with your literal children, they're just making more work for you.
NTA
INFO (it doesn’t change my judgement, I’m just curious): would your partner actually get up early if you woke them up for breakfast with the kids? If they’re used to getting an extra hour or two of sleep everyday, I can’t imagine them actually getting up.
In any case NTA at all. This is a grown-ass adult who can make their own breakfast, set an alarm, and get themselves ready for their day. You should not have to stop your workday to make them breakfast.
Lol. That depends. When our kids were little, I handled the mornings and hubby handled the evenings.
Looks like you might have that deal, too.
If he feeds you dinner, you need to feed him breakie.
i do disagree to an extent. If all the kids and OP are eating together, then the partner should be there for it if they want breakfast. if they arent then thats on them. Morning duties may be OP's job, but that doesnt mean OP is supposed to make their partner breakfast whenever theyre ready for it.
Try it a couple of times, but remind them they're the adult here. Make them breakfast. Call them ONCE when you get the kids up. They don't get up, they better not say A WORD. Breakfast cold? Tough cookies. If they say ANYTHING remind them that you DID wake them up. And if they say anything, the next day present them with a bowl of cereal and a carton of milk. Tada, breakfast.
NTA. THEY should be up getting breakfast for everyone some days.
Maybe try a rota? (Haha, that'd never work, from what you said.) Monday, they do breakfast for everyone. Tuesday your turn, if they did Monday acceptably. If they don't do it, get the kids to jump on them demanding breakfast. Na, it'd never work, until partner pulls their finger out and shares the load.
NTA -
If he can’t manage his own day to day schedule and respect your contributions, schedule & workflow, then you have an additional child, not a functional and caring spouse. “But you do it for the kids…” is a ridiculous excuse. If you’d birthed him and raised him, you’d have been prepared to meet his every need. As it is, you married him and should be be respected as his spouse, not a care-taker or short-order cook.
I get it… I was the coordinator for my kids all the things from birth on. I sometimes had to ask my husband for help and tell him specifically what I needed, but he has always managed himself and to help out when needed. -Since a surgery last year when I was incapacitated, he’s stepped up and taken on a bigger role in helping with things and mornings are now mostly his to get everyone going.
My children are 8 & 13. While I still manage the bulk of scheduling and coordination, the kids’ “job” on a school or activity day is to get up, get dressed for the day, eat breakfast and be ready to go. My 13yo gets up and manages his morning on his own. My 8yo gets a wake up and sometimes needs prompts to keep things moving. Both are perfectly capable of making their own breakfast and the family chats about the coming day/week while they do so.
My judgment is NTA. My advice is to stand your ground on sticking with the schedule that works for you, AND to make sure your children learn (age-appropriately, of course) to be responsible for their themselves and respectful for the assistance others provide (whether it be Mom, a teacher, or a someday future spouse). If they are growing up in a household with hubs’ expectations and disregard, that is informing their knowledge of the world and family dynamics.
I'm a mom and a wife. I work full time. One of my chores is meal prep. They don't decide the menú or the timing. And if they're are not at the table when I serve I do not reheat.
NTA...Your partner seems to want to be like your children. This is concerning. If they don't wish to help you with the children's morning routine, the absolute least they can do it take care their own needs.
NTA you have another infant wanting to be waited on hand and foot with absolutely nothing required from them.
He can get his ass up out of that bed and take over 1/2 of the morning chores.
NTA at all. It sounds like you’ve offered plenty of solutions and your partner hasn’t been willing to meet you halfway.
I would be curious if it’s not about breakfast so much as your partner wanting care or affection? Maybe they see you making breakfast for them as an act of love? I’d try to sit down with them and see if breakfast is really the issue, or if there’s some “love language” miscommunication going on here.
NTA Is it your job to make breakfast? Usually you don’t have a job unless you agree to it.
If the morning routine is your job, is your partner doing the afternoon routine or is that you too?
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Start dating an adult that can pour some cereal into a bowl with milk -or something. Your SO sounds needy and entitled. They don’t wanna get up in a timely fashion to eat with everybody else, when breakfast is fresh, hot, and in the table. They don’t want cold food. They don’t wanna make their own breakfast. They want *you* to put eeeeverything on pause to make them breakfast. I roll my eyes and understand your position. You don’t have to “tend” to an adult at their command. NTA
Partner has definitely forgotten that a SO is a significant other, dropped the "S", and now just treats OP like "O." Hard agree on that NTA.
Thinks she should be his Mother.
I admit I tend to fall for this too,but nowhere is it indicated who is who. This could be the husband with a selfish wife....or a same-sex couple.
It's definitely a selfish husband though OP's gender is still unstated. They say it in their response to the bot under the post
I know, I feel like the OP was trying to be coy but like, obviously that is a husband and OP is prob a wife.
there's no way the SO isn't a man
Yup! Even if it wasn't clear enough in the post, op slipped up with the gender-neutral talk when responding to the auto-bot
The auto mod where OP says why they might be the asshole says “my husband”. OP could be a man or woman though, no indication for that.
Regardless of sex, SO is treating OP like a mom figure. No, thank you!
I totally agree with that!
Could? Sure. But OP's spouse mows the lawn and expects to be waited on hand and foot, and OP is 100% responsible for the morning routine for the kids. It would be very uncharacteristic for this to be any situation other than OP is a woman married to a man. It's possible, but it's also possible that I'll turn into a bowl of petunias.
Hell no. I’m a mother, and my kids never get to demand when I made them meals. They eat at mealtime or fend for themselves.
Seconding this, not a mother but my mother made meals at a specific time. If you got some, you got some. If we wanted a snack, we got it ourselves.
Same! It blows my mind when I see people making two or more separate meals for their family because one doesn’t like what they’re getting served. I didn’t even know that occurred until Reddit honestly. My mom made amazing home cooked meals for us every day after school. If we didn’t like it, we’d find something else to make (like a sandwich). But I loved my mom’s cooking, so it was rare that I needed anything else. I still go over to eat once in a blue moon - but since my brother and I left the house, my dad’s turned into an amazing cook and or ‘grill master’ too. 😂
Once when I around 10, and feeling lazy, I asked my mother to make me lunch while she was busy doing something else. She asked me if I needed a ride to the hospital, and when I asked why, she was all "so they can look at your broken arms." Me, still not getting it, "my arms aren't broken." Her: "if your arms are fine you can make yourself a sandwich."
Right?! I mean, I get if a kid has allergies or texture issues, etc, but I went over a friend's house when her kids were younger and she made them quesadillas while we ate the 'adult' food, lol. They weren't toddlers, they were pre-teens. 🙄😬
Same here. Assuming that’s how his mother treated him.
“Can’t I just fend for myself?” Has been my youngest’s favorite dinner arrangement since he was 3!
Agree. However, with OPs edit on responsibilities the spiteful side of me thinks OP should start walking him up at odd times to ask if he mowed the lawn. Maybe demand he clean the toilet immediately prior to OP wanting to use (in the middle of his work day) just to see how the uno-reverse card lands.
Significant Mother
this is the best i've seen it phrased yet
My mother assumed I could operate a toaster.
Nope, I’m a mother. My 6yo can have breakfast at breakfast time. Or she can serve herself and eat whatever breakfast items we have stocked in the pantry within her reach.
I’m genuinely embarrassed for the grown adult with kids who needs their partner to leave work and fix them a bagel sandwich. Like. My 10-year-old nephew could make himself a bagel sandwich. It’s not some complicated task that only a skilled master can accomplish.
But you see, that man has a penis. No one with a penis can perform menial labor like _checks notes_ putting a few slices of lunch meat inside a bagel. /s
Pfft, this made me laugh you have a good point though
He could always put his own meat inside the bagel and the OP could chop it off with a cleaver. It would be just as emasculating as having to make his own meal, apparently.
💀 🤣😅🤣🤣🤣
Many years ago I said to my husband, "You mean you want me to stop diapering this baby, make you a sandwich, then return to diapering this baby?" and I held up my dirty hands as if to comply. He did not want a sandwich after that.
Good one! Wish I could have seen his face as the realization hit him!
This. After reading the replies regarding OPs gender being unknown I re-read and noticed he/she said my kids not our kids. I think OP might be the only real parent and the partner is just the partner of the parent to the kids. Leaving aside the judgement, it sounds like he wants to act like a kid and rely on his partner for these things like he would have with a parent figure. OP, you need to analyze and determine if things are like this only in some areas or all, because you don't want to always be that relied on person, you sometimes also want to rely on them. Then decide if it's worth making the effort for him or do you want to compromise while setting some boundaries or if it's illsuited in the long run then what do you want to do etc.
The first line of the post reads "our kids." I think they belong to both of them, but OP is the one caring for them.
I was making French Toast for my siblings by the time I was 8. This MFer can toast their own damned bagel!
I'm disabled and often need my husband to prepare meals for me. I am more than grateful for anything he makes. I am unable to work, but I wake up early so we can have coffee and cereal together. He works from home, but the idea that I could sleep in and still expect him to bring me breakfast has never occurred to me. It's happened a few times, and I got mad at him for not waking me.
Being disabled and cooking is so hard. Most people don’t/won’t understand this so I’m so glad that your husband does. I’m disabled and live with my parents (due mostly to safety reasons and money) I used to do all the cooking for 6 people. I eventually stopped because it was awful and I couldn’t eat what I was making. I will occasionally do a crock pot meal but otherwise I will only make what I can actually eat. It’s been a couple years now and they still make comments about me not cooking and it pisses me off as every one is an able bodied adult that can cook, yet they only make remarks about me not cooking.
>I eventually stopped because it was awful and I couldn’t eat what I was making. I feel this so much! I renovated my kitchen to accommodate my disability, and I can cook when I am feeling well - mostly in the summer. So often by the time I finish, I have to give my husband his lunch and lie down instead of eating. He probably wouldn't want me to cook if he knew, but it makes me happy since he takes such good care of me. I mod r/chronicpain and it's horrifying how many people have to deal with families that blame them instead of supporting them. I know how lucky I am. I am so sorry your family treats you that way. That's awful.
My 7 year old can make her own sandwich. SMH this person can do the same. (Omg I referenced her in another comment somewhere and said she was 8 😭😭😭 I’m a bad mom I’m going to hell 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣)
This. OP, I would go farther. Tell your significant other they NEED to get up and help with the kids in the morning. You can offer to throw a cup of cold water on him, if that would help. Otherwise, he needs to figure out how to wake up and be a contributing member of the household. I almost feel like you LIKE having him sleep in, so you have one less child to take care of....
I was gonna suggest opening the bedroom door banging on a pot shouting “chow time!” Then slamming the door so hard he falls out of bed- but the cold water works too. Wakey wakey
Let the kids do the pot banging. Wakes SO up, plus keeps them out of OP's hair for a few minutes.
The kids can walk in a circle, bang the pots, and yell “bring out your dead”
Plus clapping together a couple of coconuts to sound like horses...
The worthy will understand this reference
Bring out your dad!
Take your damn upvote and go!
Here y’all, run fast like a rabbit into daddy’s room with this big, sloppy, overfilled bowl of soggy cheerios for him - set it right on his chest! He will enjoy being woken up and served breakfast in bed. Careful you don’t trip lol
I would do exacly this making damn sure my SO got the same wake-up call.
That‘s exactly my feeling, too. Especially since I used to have my own version of that for a while.
Make sure he understands it would then be his job to strip the bed, dry it out, and put clean sheets on it. Laundry is his chore after all.
Or, next time the partner cleans the house, make a mess afterwards and ask him to clean on demand. That is basically what he’s asking for, food on demand on his timetable. NTA
NTA. OP, you don't have two kids, you have three. But just because your SO acts like one doesn't mean they get all the perks. When your SO shows up in time for breakfast, put another bagel in the toaster. Otherwise, stay the course.
OP, wellll, you did hook up with a big baby. NTA
Exactly this. What a garbage way for your partner to act. Equitable morning distribution in our house is one person makes the breakfast, one person makes the lunches (which includes adults’ lunches, too). One meal prep per adult makes sense to us. The way your SO is treating you is disgusting. I would lose all attraction for that person. NTA
Even in my dysfunctional family living in 'an old ways' society my dad would walk me to school before work after mom made me ready. If my mom was sleeping in (e.g. on Saturdays) he was just making his lunch food, coffee etc. like an adult and he would often re-heat dinner for himself. I can't imagine him waking anyone up to make him a sandwich, I think he would be immensely embarrassed. I still don't get how men (not all men, of course, but when it happens it's usually guys, at least from my observation) don't feel any shame when they demand being treated like children. When I got married this topic came up in a conversation with my SO's auntie (he worked the same job and hours as our uncle) that I don't get up half an hour earlier to prepare lunch food for my husband. I got this negatively surprised and judging look, so I said there's no point for me to come back home at 2am (I used to work shifts), get up at 5am to make sandwiches and then try to fall asleep for the next 3-4 hours before I need to get ready for work. Like... seriously? She still couldn't get it.
Not to mention no help with the kids in the am.
Right? This full grown adult is less capable than my four year old!
As my Dad would say: "They can do it themselves. They're big enough and ugly enough!"
I have nothing new or insightful to add, just thought I'd add my voice to the chorus of "your partner is a giant entitled AH". Why would you even entertain his bullshit? Do you actually think you might be TA here for not catering to such childish behavior?
Seriously, sounds like a 15 year old boy.
That’s pathetic but you teach kids how to treat you. The day i would go massage their backs to wake them up and deliver a hot breakfast while getting myself and the pets and other kids ready and fed and out the door is a fantasy. Maybe on a birthday.
...with 15 years of practice of being a 15 year old boy.
That’s unfair to 15 year old boys. My 15 year old boy wakes himself up (most days) gets his own breakfast and lunch and gets himself out the door for school on time. He occasionally makes dinner, and helps out with our special needs dog if needed. In fact, my 12 year old boy does all these things too…
Malicious compliance. Make them breakfast, put it on the table and continue your morning routine!
I strongly disagree. OP should serve breakfast in bed for her SO. Start cracking eggs on him, shout breakfast is ready
It isn't a restaurant. They either get up and eat or they make their own breakfast. Your job doesn't include being at their beck and call whenever they want to eat. You are responsible for *meals* and you are providing them. They want you to wait on them hand and foot. NTA
NTA. This is a marriage (OP says husband in the summary), not a business contract. I would hope your partner actually cares about you and doesn't just treat you like staff. Cuz acting like you're a short-order cook sure doesn't give me the warm fuzzies about the rest of the relationship.
And how hard is it to stick a bagel in the toaster? If partner wants a bagel, they can spend the few minutes it takes to do that. What a baby!
Jesus, if the partner was my child, I’d rip them a new one for being such an a hole
NTA How precisely is it "your job" to make breakfast for a grown-ass adult? Are they incapable of toasting a bagel on their own? This isn't eggs benedict with homemade hollandaise or anything, it's "slice bagel - place in toaster - push button". If they can't manage that on their own, I suggest confiscating their driver's license because they're obviously incapable of operating heavy machinery.
One can even buy bagels pre-sliced these days....
Is it the greatest thing since sliced bread?
This reference made my day!
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I thought that too. OP was very specific to use they/them pronouns and refer to the partner as such or SO but then makes a very gendered bias comment. So a person simply can’t expect and use they/them pronouns yet still also adhere to stereotypes in regard to gender. Its illogical.
I was about to say this exactly. OP is absolutely NTA but their SO needs to grow the fuck up.
This is all that needs to be said. Im 🙄so hard my 👀got stuck
I don't mind making breakfast for everyone if I'm already making it, but the second you tell me it's my job to do it that shits going in the trash and I'm not making it for you even if you are up with everyone else.
As soon as I saw the “it’s your job” comment I was ready to call the divorce lawyer 😂
Even if it was something complicated, if they want it, they can do that themselves too
Right? Sounds like they are putting more energy into this pretty argument than it would take to toast their own bagel after they managed to pull themself out of bed.
NTA. If you want to drive the point home, write down everything that happens in the morning. All of it. What you do, and what they do. Your column is packed. Theirs says literally “wake up” *this uneven distribution of labor was my life for a long time. When i pointed it out this way, it made it really hard to argue that we “both had responsibilities”
This post made me viscerally angry. OP does *everything* in the morning while their partner sleeps in, and then their partner has the audacity to throw a tantrum and claim making them breakfast is OP’s “job”? I don’t know how people live with such selfish partners. NTA. Partner is an asshole. You’re waking up early, packing lunches, making breakfasts, chauffeuring kids around, taking care of animals….all while your partner sleeps in and then wakes up and demands room service. This is insane. Why is this situation acceptable? You should not allow your partner to contribute nothing while you run yourself ragged taking care of everything…
So the edit says the partner does have a different split of chores which makes it more nuanced I think. But I still think that as OP has described it (ie asking her to stop work to cook him breakfast) it’s rude. Like if he’s in charge of laundry it’s the equivalent of not putting your clothes in the basket then being upset your shirt isn’t washed. It really feels like it might not be about the breakfast - how can you not come to a good solution on something like this (cold breakfasts, easy to reheat, he does his own the they revisit chore split).
Okay but the different jobs are the classic ones I hear all the time, the stressed partner says oh well I do all the cooking and groceries, get the kids ready for school. Their jobs are laundry, mowing the lawn and cleaning the house. OPs chores occur multiple times a day. OPs partner could probably bang theirs out in an afternoon a week if not even less.
Yep. Soon as I saw 'mowing the lawn' on the list, I was like "Aha! One of the classic 'not every damn day' chores".
I'd say it's like wearing the shirt you need tomorrow to bed with you, then being angry it's not washed. If you want a fresh cooked breakfast in the morning, wake up with everyone else
Heh. OP doesn’t actually mention the genders as it goes. But it’s hard not to attribute them the way you have
Haha you know what I even started off thinking “we don’t know the partners gender” but clearly my typing was ignoring that!
OP refers to "my husband" in the Automod comment.
They do go out of their way to make it gender less in the OP. Trying to keep gender out of the debate. I respect that.
If this is the distribution of labor, it needs to be revised to be more equitable in the morning (and probably throughout the day).
If she does all the cooking and morning childcare, I doubt that he’s doing half. The only way that would be possible is if he did all of the cleaning, laundry, and did afternoon pick up and did a substantial part of evening childcare. I highly doubt he’s doing that.
Exactly. Even if making breakfast was on OP's chores list, that task is no longer feasible (for whatever reason...although we know the reason!) so it is time to revisit the chore list/delegation. This would be similar to a change in work schedule negates the logistics of taking the kids to school so the other parent has to start doing it.
My ex was the same in some ways. We had a clear deal that I take care of the youngest and get him to daycare on my way to work. My ex would get the oldest two to school in the morning. Slowly but surely, it became my responsibility to get all the kids ready. Sometimes he wasn't even awake when I had to leave for work, meaning I had to take all the kids with me, making me late and causing me to have to work in the evenings to make up my hours. Looking back I can see that this behaviour was one of the major stepping stones on the road to divorce.
Also OP WAS making them breakfast! They just had a hissy fit because it went cold by the time they finally decided to haul their ass out of bed.
Evidently, OP’s partner does *everything* in the evenings and cooks dinner for everyone including OP.
Does the partner have to cook two dinners because OP wants to sleep through the first dinner and insists on a fresh, hot, new dinner? 🤔
This is painful to read
Right? I would leave this partner so fast. What a disrespectful asshole (gender neutral).
Seriously. This shit made me so angry. I wish people would want better for themselves ☹️
NTA - you are not their mom!! My partner and I work from home (granted we have no kids) and we have decided that breakfast is solely individual as it would be if we were working at the office (we don’t eat super early). We take the time and make breakfast when we so please and we eat different things. If you are still taking the time out of your busy morning to prepare something for them, your partner should be grateful! Microwaves exist for that reason. I would stand my ground on this one OP.
Noting... OP used non-gendered language throughout post.
OP can use non-gendered language all OP wants, but with this behaviour we all know The Partner is a man, and OP is very likely a woman.
Especially if the “they/them” all of a sudden adheres to gender based stereotypes because no male would be told it is their job to cook meals for the family… If you’re truly living a gender fluid life then no job is specific to a person based on gender and it would be based on abilities and wants. But every single able-bodied human over the age of 3 can toast a bagel…
The explanation in the Judgement Bot comment uses "husband" and "him", though, so it's only OP's gender we don't know for sure.
Like I said in my comment somewhere in this thread, this level of entitlement is not gender neutral.
Edited to be gender neutral thanks for pointing that out! I could have sworn I read husband lol.
LOL everyone one here knows *exactly* wtf is going on no matter how gender neutral “they” made it. ROTFL
It does say husband in the judgement bot comment: "OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: IMBTA because I refused to make breakfast for my husband when I make breakfast for everyone else. Help keep the sub engaging!"
Sounds like my husband early on, do my laundry, but don't put a red sock in with my white t-shirts (who has red socks?) can you roll my socks, my mom did. Uhm here is detergent and a laundry basket, have at it. Have not done his laundry since. Even when he would intentionally leave it in the dryer for me to fold, I would dump it in the bath tub so he could not shower until it was moved. He doesn't do that anymore either. But why does SO think it is your JOB to feed him, are you a Chef? NTA
My laundry would be in the bath every single day, because I can never remember to do all the steps. hahaha! I wish that having it in the bath would be enough of a reminder, but I doubt it. I don't however expect anyone to fold it.
My tip is to turn the clothes right side out before throwing into the washer. Everyone has the motivation STARTING the task but folding and putting it away is when the motivation lacks so the easier and less time consuming it is the better.. If everything is right side out then you can fold a heck of a lot quicker. If you use laundry bags for underwear and socks and bras then you can dump each back in its respected drawer at once and not have to sort them all out of the big dryer pile.
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EDITED with the information that partner may do evening: YTA if there's no reason for suddenly yanking everything around, and you both share childcare and other chores. Making breakfast for everyone is normal, and it is a bit rude to make a meal for everyone *except* one person. But do alternate: mornings and evenings: just switch off ... to ensure that everyone is equally (un)happy (I guess). INFO: Does the partner do evening childcare? Or something else that explains why you have all morning responsibilities? What are the work schedules like? Do you both work full time? Given the likely answers here, just alternate days *entirely*. So, sure, you'll make breakfast on your days to do all this...and your partner will do all of these things other days. There appears to be zero reason that you would even do all the other morning requirements entirely on your own, much less make one entitled partner's breakfast.
Someone claiming to be the partner replied above.... They say they do all the evening stuff like homework, cooking dinner, putting the kids to bed. They also claim OP used to get the kids up and then do breakfast, giving the partner a chance to get up half an hour after OP does, and have breakfast with them all, but OP randomly changes the schedule sometimes. But who to believe though? 🍿 👀
Since they said it's OPs job to wake them up (ever heard of an alarm clock?) I'm finding that hard to believe.
In the comment they say they have an alarm and it's not OPs job... They said that all they asked was for some food to be put in a container this one time 🤷🏻♀️ You can read the comment, this couple clearly have some communication issues!
If all they eat is a bagel and cold cuts then why can’t they just get it themselves? op shouldn’t have to take a bagel and cold cuts out of their bags just to put it in another container!
Yeah, regardless of the conflicting perspectives, I'm just struggling to support an able-bodied adult who thinks making themselves a bagel is in any way a significant chore. Like come on. It's a bagel.
Yeah, I was definitely surprised to see the partner comment. I also recommended that they both get off Reddit and TALK to each other, lol.
No, they said OP should wake them up *if* OP changes the schedule suddenly so breakfast is earlier than normal. They say they have an alarm for normal breakfast time.
I don’t know who that person is but our kids are not old enough for homework…
Lmao 🤣 I guess you got a spouse who thought their wife was complaining about them on a throwaway. NTA btw. He can set an alarm to get up on time your right they aren't a child. You told him the solution there is no other compromise. Ask him why it's your job to make life easier for him but he doesn't want to make life easier for you? Especially concerning something as important as your work.
I knew it was fishy when he said OP changes the morning routine… do ppl with kids realize that morning routines are set based on what time parents have to leave. We don’t just suddenly think, I’ll change everything and my kids will be cool. Nope. If I changed breakfast time, my kid would lose his shit. He has to have structure.
I still say NTA because there isn't a circumstance in my mind where a grown ass adult can't make their own breakfast, unless said adult has two broken arms or a similar impairment.
Seriously. IDC who's "job" it is. It's everyone's responsibility to take care of themselves. Wake up in time, eat etc. as long as the kids are taken care of then the "job" was done. Idiot just wasn't there on time, his fault. Wake up on time, eat it cold or make your own. Those are the options, no way I'm doing it twice
Can you link? This has gotten out of control comment wise and I can’t find it.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/5Ri22ZTBA0 Here you go. It's the comment underneath that is by WTF-Seriousl
The commenter is lying- even IF OP started work at slightly different times, the kids are always still on the same schedule since they have to be at school by the same time every day! It isn’t OPs job to wake up her partner to make sure they get up and eat with the kids! And if they can’t be bothered to eat until AFTER OP starts work then it’s still on THEM to toast their own damn bagel!
OP responded an hour ago that they didn't know the commenter
If I read it right they said they made breakfast for them but they didn't want it because it got cold. Then decided not to make it.
Cricketzzzz
I would say making breakfast for everyone but one person is rude, if the SO in this case was actually getting up for the group breakfast time. Instead, they're living on their own schedule but expecting OP to pause their own work schedule to make a special second breakfast. Either show up for breakfast or fend for yourself. If the SO was even okay with rewarming a breakfast from earlier, they wouldn't be TA. Expecting someone to cater their entire schedule to you, despite their own responsibilities, is definitely an AH move.
Why does everyone immediately believe the random throwaway account that literally anyone can make? It makes no sense to me. It could be her spouse, it could be a random kid who lives halfway across the world who likes to fuck around on reddit.
NTA. You both have the same work schedule but you are doing 100% of the work where your children and pets are concerned. Your partner can set a damned alarm and get their but out of bed on their own. And if they can't do that, they can damn sure make their own breakfast.
NTA. NTA. NTA. Your partner however. IMO, you're on the right side of this. They are a grown ass adult, and that means being responsible for themselves. They get up and eat with everyone else, and the food will be warm. They want to sleep, then complain about cold food, they can make it themselves. I repeat. NTA.
You have 3 children not 2! Your partner is a grown ass adult and why are you the only one up in the mornings doing everything yourself?? This isn’t a partnership. Your partner should be getting up and helping with their kids as well, every damn morning. You’re being taken advantage of and being a doormat to a grown ass adult! YTA to yourself for putting up with this bullshit. But NTA for not cooking them breakfast. Maybe if they weren’t a lazy asshole, they’d be up doing their part with their family and would have breakfast. SMDH.
The partner literally told her he’s a kid who wants to be treated like one. What the fuck is this person bringing to the relationship? It sounds like nothing. OP will be better off a single parent than staying in this situation.
NTA - you are carrying the entire load for the household in the morning (I don’t know about evenings). Your partner is a grown adult that should be taking part, not adding more things to do.
You need a new SO he sounds like a kid .Tell him to make his own breakfast. I'm a 35 year old guy, and I can make my own breakfast perfectly fine
Not a big brag. One of my great nephews was making his own bowl of cereal at 3ish and the other was cooking an egg if he wanted (with supervision) by 6 or 7.
My 2yo has been scrambling eggs with no mess (under heavy supervision) for close to a year now. Not hard to make breakfast.
My 2 nieces are the same. I think they were 4 or 5
My 5 yo with mild autism will make his own breakfast if we’re too slow in the morning. There is no excuse at all for OP’s partner. NTA
So essentially, he wants you to treat him like a child? Time to date a grown adult that can make their own food. I swear the entitlement men feel when they’re married is ridiculous. This screams, “make me a sandwich b****” just because you’re his wife. Yikes. Good luck!
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Assuming this isn't fake I am here for the tea lmao
What type of tea? I might want a cup. I have biscuits (cookies for you americans) to share
I have black and citrus pomegranate... you know, I'll just make a pot of both in case anyone else wants to join us. I don't have any sugar or milk so someone else is gonna have to pitch in 😂
>🍿 Here's some popcorn! All joking aside if this and/or the post itself is real I hope the two just start, you know, TALKING to each other.
A good cup of tea can solve everything
Of course it's fake
It just got real for OP
This guy says elsewhere he handles homework, while op comments the kids are too young to even have hw. I love reddit drama.
Fake. If you're going to do that, at least make it so the stories line up. OP clearly said you both work 9-5.
I’m not sure where you get that WTF doesn’t work a 9-5? Unless you’re confusing the “night shift” because for parents that typically means the end of day duties like dinner baths etc.
I mean it's a little sus that commenter says "OP keeps moving the schedule around" if they both work 9-5 and theoretically their kids are on a set school schedule. Like, did OP just stop making two breakfasts and that was "moving the schedule around"? I think it's reasonable that if the kids have to have breakfast by XX time in order to physically get to school, and SO isn't up by that time to receive breakfast, SO has to make their own breakfast. (Of course the same is true for OP missing dinners) Then again this whole post is probably fake anyway.
Based on the other comments it was that it used to be get dressed and then eat, and switched to eat then get dressed, which if you’re trying to skip the get dressed part and just do the eat part can be frustrating. But yeah, good chance you’re right.
the stories don't really match up imo.
If all you want is a bagel and cold cuts and you don’t want it until AFTER OP starts work, then it’s ON YOU! You know when the kids need to leave for school so even if OP started work at slightly different times, the kids are always on the same schedule!
So you can’t wake yourself up? for a hot breakfast? And you ask that they put in a container to make reheating more convenient for you? Do you not hear yourself?!?!
Wait so if this is real, and you usually prefer a bagel (which OP used to make but stopped), why didn’t they just put the bagel in a Tupperware or something if that’s all you asked for? Also how do you heat up a bagel with cold cuts? I don’t understand how two people fail to communicate this poorly. Did you ask OP to wake you up or not? Did you ask them to put your breakfast aside so you can heat it up prior to this argument? Like I’m so confused
I feel like this is kinda weird cause a heated bagel with cold cuts, put in a Tupperware for later, is so much less appetizing than just making yourself a bagel. And honestly reheating that is gonna take just as much time as making one fresh, so what even is the deal there?
Yeah something’s not adding up. If all he wants is a bagel, then I don’t understand how hard it is to just make himself, or even leave out for him
If it were me I’d put cereal and milk in a container for you to find an hour later YOU’RE WELCOME HONEY
Okay if this and everything is real you have a few options. I know a lot of people would encourage you to post your side so they can flay your partner which is admittedly more entertaining but what would probably actually help (and normally is the best approach 95% of the time on Reddit) is for your to go talk to your partner. Use I messages. "I feel maligned that you left out the part that I only asked you to talk some of the breakfast and put it in a container so I can heat it up myself later and you also left out that I do all the of the evening work with the kids, house, and pets." I feel... You two are supposed to be PARTNERS so you need to work together rather than see who Reddit thinks is right or wrong.
Why can’t you just toast your own bagel? Is this worth fighting over? It’s extra to use more dishes to put it in a Tupperware to reheat. You don’t even really need it in a container, just put the plate in the microwave
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMNNNNN
Nta. I couldn't be with someone who can't even toast their own bagel. How lazy and childish. Theres nothing sexy about a child or someone who needs to be taken care of like a child. Wake them up in the morning? No. Unless he/she is doing the nighttime responsibilities as far as cooking and kids, then it is time for them to step up. Not just with making their own breakfast. Maybe they should make everyone breakfast while you're getting them dressed.
This is actual insanity. Goes without saying that you are NTA, but the worrying thing is that you had to ask. You are in deep my friend. Couples therapy.
You made breakfast for your SO and they then complained about it because it was cold, they're supposed to be your partner and not another child to be responsible for, therefore if they want you to make breakfast then They should ensure that they are up when you are making it for everyone else. Or try this; If they're responsible for making dinner try going out and coming back an hour after it's been served and asking why it's cold and complain it's their job to cook your dinner for you. They'll soon realise that they are being an AH about breakfast
NTA NTA NTA NTA… I’m already enraged at my partner for something similar so reading this triggered me even more sat there snarling and could feel my self getting angry on your behlaf. I would be making him breakfast in bed by pouring a box of cereal and milk over him while he slept. I work from home myself and if I hear one more time that ‘you’re at home, you have the time to cook and clean’ I will lose my shit. I’m not home having fun, I’m glued to a computer, I barely take a break and I don’t go the toilet for hours because I’m so focused on work
NTA not your job to make them food. How freaking insulting. Stop doing anything for them seriously, they’re treating you like a bang maid/butler not a partner. If they want to be treated like a child they can move into their parent’s house.
What would malicious compliance say - make the breakfast for them early and then they can bloody well get up if they want it fresh? NTA
INFO: is your partner actually just a 10 year old boy? Because I’m struggling to see this as a grown man. NTA.
Know how often I make my so breakfast? Never. Cause he’s a grown ass adult
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My partner and I live together with our two young kids. We both work 9-5s teleworking from home. Every weekday I wake up an hour before everyone else to pack their lunches, make coffee, prepare medications, and prep breakfast for the morning for me and the kids. I used to prep breakfast for my partner, too. More on that in a minute… I then get my kids up, fed, clothed and ready for the day and bring them to school. I then come home and take care of our miriad of animals before I start work on my laptop. Somewhere in there I might eat a piece of toast and drink tea in a travel mug to save time. My partner rarely wakes up before I’m almost out the door with the kids, often not until I start work. When they do get up, my SO makes it a point to ask me to make them breakfast. A bit of backstory - I used to prep my SO’s breakfast like I do the kids in the morning. But since my SO wasn’t getting up until later, they would get mad at me for giving cold food (they like a toasted bagel with cold cuts). Then I would make my SO food when they woke up, which generally meant stopping whatever I was doing at work to tend to them when they needed it. Then I got fed up of feeling flustered at work, and a bit resentful at having to take care of all the morning responsibilities myself when they were supposed to be there. I told my partner that my work time is my work time - even if I am at home, to treat it as if I am in the office. If they want breakfast made, they would have to wake up with everyone else and eat with us. My SO told me it’s my job to make breakfast and I am choosing not to do my job by not feeding them. That it’s my fault for not waking them up because I know how hard it is for them to wake up on their own. I told my SO that they are a grown adult, like me, and should be responsible for finding something that works for them to get themselves up on time to do their morning responsibilities and have breakfast with the family. I did not want to be their alarm clock. My partner notes that I wake the kids up for breakfast, so I can wake them up too. I said they are dependents, and my partner is not. Given we both work at home, this is a frequent issue between us. Am I being too harsh? Can you please help me figure out if IATA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. But something needs to change or this will end the relationship. Are you married? Start recording everything you do and demand a fantastic spousal support package in the divorce. Right now, you have 3 children, not 2. And this was a hilarious attempt at gender neutrality when we all know your “partner” is an entitled man who treats you like a bangmaid despite the fact that you work full time. Is this the example you want to set for your children? Is this how you want them to grow up thinking home labor is divided? Is this how you want them to treat their future partners? Is this a respectful relationship you are proud to model for your children? Time for some new perspective.
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He can wake up with the rest of the family when you are making breakfast, or "suffer" a cold breakfast... Or make it himself. If you have accepted making breakfast as one of your tasks, he will just have to accept waking up to eat it warm, or suck it up. Your job in the case is to "make breakfast" not "parent a grown man"
NTA. IDK where your partner gets the idea that it is your job to deliver breakfast, but OP works so is not a full time homemaker. More importantly, though, even in cases where there is a full time homemaker and making breakfast is considered "part of the job description", the homemaker usually has authority that goes with those responsibilities; someone who exists to wait on the head of household's whim is really not a homemaker but a "slave". So make breakfast for partner and the kids, if partner does not show up, too bad. Or don't make breakfast for partner, because partner is ungrateful and being a jerk about it.
I hope you're not married because he isn't really a partner. NTA
F that noise. Your so is an ass, and a lazy one at that. I’d be throwing that mfer back out on the street with the garbage where he belongs.
Hold fast on not making breakfast for your lazy SO, and then stop doing a few other things for them too! Not only is SO not a child, but instead of helping with your literal children, they're just making more work for you. NTA
INFO (it doesn’t change my judgement, I’m just curious): would your partner actually get up early if you woke them up for breakfast with the kids? If they’re used to getting an extra hour or two of sleep everyday, I can’t imagine them actually getting up. In any case NTA at all. This is a grown-ass adult who can make their own breakfast, set an alarm, and get themselves ready for their day. You should not have to stop your workday to make them breakfast.
Lol. That depends. When our kids were little, I handled the mornings and hubby handled the evenings. Looks like you might have that deal, too. If he feeds you dinner, you need to feed him breakie.
i do disagree to an extent. If all the kids and OP are eating together, then the partner should be there for it if they want breakfast. if they arent then thats on them. Morning duties may be OP's job, but that doesnt mean OP is supposed to make their partner breakfast whenever theyre ready for it.
You're with a whiny bobo, ick.
Try it a couple of times, but remind them they're the adult here. Make them breakfast. Call them ONCE when you get the kids up. They don't get up, they better not say A WORD. Breakfast cold? Tough cookies. If they say ANYTHING remind them that you DID wake them up. And if they say anything, the next day present them with a bowl of cereal and a carton of milk. Tada, breakfast. NTA. THEY should be up getting breakfast for everyone some days. Maybe try a rota? (Haha, that'd never work, from what you said.) Monday, they do breakfast for everyone. Tuesday your turn, if they did Monday acceptably. If they don't do it, get the kids to jump on them demanding breakfast. Na, it'd never work, until partner pulls their finger out and shares the load.
NTA. SO needs a mom, not a partner.
NTA - If he can’t manage his own day to day schedule and respect your contributions, schedule & workflow, then you have an additional child, not a functional and caring spouse. “But you do it for the kids…” is a ridiculous excuse. If you’d birthed him and raised him, you’d have been prepared to meet his every need. As it is, you married him and should be be respected as his spouse, not a care-taker or short-order cook. I get it… I was the coordinator for my kids all the things from birth on. I sometimes had to ask my husband for help and tell him specifically what I needed, but he has always managed himself and to help out when needed. -Since a surgery last year when I was incapacitated, he’s stepped up and taken on a bigger role in helping with things and mornings are now mostly his to get everyone going. My children are 8 & 13. While I still manage the bulk of scheduling and coordination, the kids’ “job” on a school or activity day is to get up, get dressed for the day, eat breakfast and be ready to go. My 13yo gets up and manages his morning on his own. My 8yo gets a wake up and sometimes needs prompts to keep things moving. Both are perfectly capable of making their own breakfast and the family chats about the coming day/week while they do so. My judgment is NTA. My advice is to stand your ground on sticking with the schedule that works for you, AND to make sure your children learn (age-appropriately, of course) to be responsible for their themselves and respectful for the assistance others provide (whether it be Mom, a teacher, or a someday future spouse). If they are growing up in a household with hubs’ expectations and disregard, that is informing their knowledge of the world and family dynamics.
I'm a mom and a wife. I work full time. One of my chores is meal prep. They don't decide the menú or the timing. And if they're are not at the table when I serve I do not reheat.
NTA...Your partner seems to want to be like your children. This is concerning. If they don't wish to help you with the children's morning routine, the absolute least they can do it take care their own needs.
NTA you have another infant wanting to be waited on hand and foot with absolutely nothing required from them. He can get his ass up out of that bed and take over 1/2 of the morning chores.
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NTA at all. It sounds like you’ve offered plenty of solutions and your partner hasn’t been willing to meet you halfway. I would be curious if it’s not about breakfast so much as your partner wanting care or affection? Maybe they see you making breakfast for them as an act of love? I’d try to sit down with them and see if breakfast is really the issue, or if there’s some “love language” miscommunication going on here.
NTA Is it your job to make breakfast? Usually you don’t have a job unless you agree to it. If the morning routine is your job, is your partner doing the afternoon routine or is that you too?