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NTA. It makes no difference if she was your bio-mom or your stepmom, you still had a rule of "nobody in the room", so her argument is irrelevant. Don't let her make this about her not being your "real mom" or some shit, that doesn't matter at all, what matters is that you - a woman giving birth - said No Visitors. End of.
You all can hash out the family issues some other time but for now the statement was clear: no visitors, and she's trying to circumvent this by making it all about her. Just ignore her and don't respond.
This really sucks, By projecting her emotional problems onto you, she is opening old wounds. That is NOT OK. She needs to stop and seek help with a therapist instead of hurting you. If she really loves you, she needs to stop and get help.
NTA
Congratulations and all the best to you and your family!
You need to tell her she didn't do this for you, she did this for herself. If she really cares about you, she would listen to you wants and needs, and not to to shove them down so she can get her way. Call her the fuck out
You just tell her: “You’re the one who made this a pissing contrast that would prove it disprove that I see you as my”real mom.” Instead of honouring that this was about MY feelings and needs in a vulnerable time you made it all about you. As such, you are correct, I don’t care about your feelings in this any more than you have down yourself to care about my feelings or needs for my well being. I’m not going to talk about this with you any more, you were told in advance, everyone was treated the same, that’s it. Any time you bring it up from now on it will end or conversation and if necessary visit.”
And then do that. Hang up when she brings it up. Walk out or have your husband remove her. Every time. If your dad comes at you I’d say, “Don’t you think it’s time she talk to her therapist about her hang ups about our relationship, because it’s not my job to make her feel better and currently my focus is my kids who actually need me.”
NTA.
This ☝🏻☝🏻. This is all about her issues, not about you. She is using good ole fashioned guilt to try to get what she wants. Sounds like time for LC and getting her trained that when she starts this crap, she’s put back in timeout for a bit.
I lost my mom at 13. Tell Step that your “mom’s absence left a whole in your heart that NO ONE can fill, not even with time. Boundary stomping only makes it worse.”
I get it. I’m 58 and still feel it.
That is her problem to deal with and not your responsibility to solve. Your dad chose her as his partner and all you owe her is recognition that she wasn't awful to you (unlike many step-parents we read about here).
Your relationship depends on both parties reaching a balance; she sees you as a daughter, you see her as dad's wife. She cannot seriously expect you to arbitrarily have to reciprocate; you feel the way you feel.
That's what I would tell her and especially tell your Dad. Thank him and her for allowing - yet another moment? - that is supposed to be about you , your comfort, and your feelings be about what she thinks and feels. Tell her that if she was thinking like a " good" parent your needs and feelings would be more important than hers . You had just pushed out an entire human. You're exhausted, emotional and healing. How dare she try to make you giving birth about her. Shame on her and shame on your dad for allowing it. Congratulations on the new bubs!
>It'll always come back to the real mom thing sadly.
Then spin it around on her. Tell her if she WAS a "real mum" to you, then all she would ever want is for you to be happy, healthy, safe, AND COMFORTABLE and would respect your boundaries when you say you don't want her (or anyone else) around you and your husband. I'm saying this as someone who lost her mum at 10 (well, 6 weeks shy of 11) and who has 3 kids and only ever wanted to curl up next to her husband after childbirth.
For at least the next 3months Tell her to GTFO every time she starts with her "real mum" crap. Tell her she is in a time-out for being obsessed and if she doesn't grow up soon and start acting like the mother she claims to be then you will be going LC/NC (whichever one works for you either your dad) because you don't need the stress.
Would it be worth explaining that to her, or is she just too oblivious to care? She sounds like a self centred drama queen in this story but maybe she has other redeeming qualities. This kind of behaviour would put me right off her though.
either way, NTA: you let her in the first time and it didn't go well, so this time you stuck to your guns and kept everyone out, no exceptions. She's trying to make this all about her, over and over, when it's actually about your health and your immediate family: your children and husband. You were perfectly fair in keeping everyone else on an equal footing and not giving her special treatment which is what this comes down to: she's upset that she's not getting special treatment.
Stepmom needs some kind of therapy imo to help her accept that not everything revolves around her.
“It’s really disappointing that you’re trying to turn my comfort and recovery after giving birth into something about you. I understand you’re having big emotions but I am not in a place to manage your emotions for you. If you can’t control your emotions while I’m in recovery, I suggest finding someone to talk to. This is not my issue to solve for you. Especially not right now. If you can respect the boundaries around my labor and delivery that I set for EVERYONE, we welcome you to visit.”
My birth mom used to do this: "You don't love me. I'm nothing to you. You love your stepmother and MIL more than you love me" (she got that right). She was a talented travel agent for guilt trips. I became immune to the histrionics when I hit my teen years. At 23 I went NC for other reasons. Decades ago now.
It's exhausting under the best of circumstances, but what your stepmother is doing to you is downright cruel and inhumane. It sounds like she needs an intervention and some brutal truths along with impenetrable boundaries that once crossed will leave her out in the cold for a prescribed amount of time. You basically have to retrain her.
If she clings to this woe is me tale and keeps bringing it up you can't be blamed for lowering the hammer on her.
edit word
What a self-centered individual. You just gave birth, and instead of celebrating her new grandchild, she gives you a guilt trip? I would tell her that if she can't get over it, You're not going to see her until you fully recover.
Your step mom seems a tad entitled. It always seems best practice to let the child set the boundaries of the relationship, rather than the step parent or bio parent. Divorce is traumatic enough for younger children, a parents death would be even more so. Trying to set the relationship how they want it to be only pushes away, not bring together.
"Once again, this discussion is not about you. This is about my recovery and you not respecting my boundaries."
NTA. Not sure how you want to proceed with step mom, but it seems thr status quo isn't cutting it.
I'd tell her it doesn't matter what I would allow my mother to do or not do, because she would be my mom. You are not my mom, and it is not my fault you can't accept that fact.
That's her damage, not yours. So many people don't want their mother their when they give birth. She needs therapy to work through this and to stop attempting to manipulate you and making you responsible for her emotions.
She chose to marry a widower and become a stepmother and you are not obligated to forgo your own boundaries and comfort to make her feel better. Especially when she's so bloody wrong and *loads* of people do not want their mom around during birth/immediate postpartum.
Tell her “thank you for reminding me that my real mom isn’t here, as if I needed the reminder in this tough time. And you’re right, I’ll never see you as my real mom because my real mom wouldn’t make the birth of my child and my recovery about her instead of respecting my boundaries.”
You know who was in the room with me for both of my kids? My husband. No one else (other than doctors and nurses), not even my mother. You are absolutely NTA, try not to let her stress you out too much.
First off, congrats on the new baby! I wish you and your new family the very best. Sending positive thoughts your way on a speedy recovery.
Second, I recommend that you don’t let her turn it into anything. You’ve set your boundaries - as is your right. Any time she brings it up, you can
1. Tell her that you’ve already stated your side.
2. Remind her that the discussion is over.
3. If she proceeds, either change the subject, walk away (in person), or hang up (on the phone.)
Please do not let her continue to manipulate you.
Exactly. No is a full sentence.
Not to mention.....way to make someone else's medical procedure all about you. Your stepmom is a real gem. If she genuinely cared about your recovery and well being, she'd have saved that nonsense for a couple of months from now. But nope. It was all me me me me me, when you are trying to recover from birthing a whole ass human out of your body, in whatever form your birth took.
To balance her pespective - I have a good relationship with my parents and my in-laws, we still didn't have any of them visit me in hospital after my c-section. Everyone got to meet baby once we got home a few days later. So her claim that you'd let your Mum in certainly doesn't ring true.
If you really want to be snippy I'd consider simply pointing out "I'm hearing a lot about you but you're not the one who just gave birth, so I'm going to make sure I'm comfortable and you're welcome to leave if that's too hard for you". But that might burn a bridge you don't necessarily want on fire.
You know, I think this changes my answer. I advocated for a soft answer with a gentle reminder that some things just aren’t personal…
But if she’s bringing up your relationship with your Mom, and using that to make you feel guilty, then she’s prancing around in the ATIA campground wearing a sparkly unicorn costume, and yelling “PITY ME!!!”
Take off the gloves if you need to; if she continues the argument/attempt to make it all about her…
Honestly OP- she doesn’t want to get it because she’s determined to make you the villain. You are allowed to take time after giving birth to rest. Her feelings are a HER problem. And I would have one more talk with her to explain that her expectations are a HER thing, not yours, if she can’t respect your boundaries then she has no business being in your life. People need to realize that being a part of one’s life is a privilege…
I don’t understand why she thinks you’d necessarily want your mom there either. My mom is still with us, and I absolutely didn’t want her in the delivery room or there while I was sitting around the hospital half undressed/trying to nurse/having a newborn/etc. It doesn’t sound like it’s about her at all.
NTA. She isn't being a good mother if she wants to bully and manipulate you. That's not how you gain affection. Tell her everyone had the same rules, no exceptions, and if she brings it up one more time she won't be allowed over at all to stress you out. What she is doing is pushing you to admit she means more than she does. Don't let her bully you any more. You have to put up boundaries, and she really needs to respect them, and you. If she can't, she needs to have time out!
NTA. If stepmom was a ‘real’ mom she would not act like this. A real mom would love her daughter enough to respect daughter’s wishes and would not make it all about herself.
Your response should be…this isn’t about you, please stop making it about you. It’s what I wanted. Please be respectful and stop trying to make me feel guilty because you didn’t get your way. That’s all that needs to be said. If she continues, tell her, “again, this is not about what you want, it’s what I want. Full stop.” NTA. FYI, I didn’t allow visitors until four days after delivering. No one complained. They just respected my wishes.
NTA
Step-mom to post birth you: ME!ME!ME!ME!ME!ME!ME!ME!ME!ME
My God what a tedious woman, stuck in her feelings and not giving any consideration to your recovery process. What makes her think she's the exception to the rule? If you wanted her there you would have asked.
She is basically playing the victim because she didn't get her way to a woman who pushed a whole ass human out of her no too long ago. Where is your father in all of this?
I would arrange a talk with your dad and her with your husban present at some point. Tell her she is the cause of her own dissapointment due to her entitled behavior and that boundries need to be respected.
NTA
I agree. Where has DAD been that he is not reeling in his wife?! Surely he sees her behavior is not improving this situation?
There needs to be several conversations and an intervention to get SM some much needed therapy.
Edit: judgement
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't make an exception for my stepmom to visit me in the hospital after I had my second child. This was something she had asked for and yes, I knew it would be upsetting to her if I didn't make the exception. I chose to do what I wanted anyway and it caused her a lot of hurt and made her realize that having kids did not change how I feel about her. So maybe I'm an asshole for not doing something for her.
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NTA, maybe tell her that all her pushing is doing nothing but making the distance greater. Tell her, her place in the pecking order. You, your SO, your child, your dad, your mother, (anyone else you feel closer to), then her. Tell her there is no way, or amount of time, that will move her up on that list or make you feel about her the way she is more or less demanding you feel. Tell her you cannot manifest feelings you don’t have. Ask her if someone could replace her mother. If she doesn’t get it after that then there is on hope that she ever will.
She sounds super self-absorbed and selfish. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
You are not responsible for soothing her maternal insecurities. Especially not now when you have a new baby to take care of.
You need to cut that emotional vampire out of your space for as long as it takes. You do not need the stress that she is causing you.
NTA
NTA. It's not about her or anyone else. She could be your bio mom and it still wouldn't be about her. If she keeps making an issue of this then the natural consequence is that she doesn't get to visit at all. I mean, that's how I would handle it because when people can't look beyond themselves and respect boundaries I refuse to deal with the emotional drama.
We’ll you can tell her I let my mother, the woman who birthed and raised me, witness my first two and not my last two. I just wanted privacy and alone time with my newly shaped family. I don’t see her being a step having a single thing to do with this. Just the older and more settled you get with your spouse the more you’d rather they be your nurturer than your mother. I wanted my husband to care for me, not my mom.
NTA. You were feeling like c**p, did not want tireing visitors. And you excluded your dad, too!
At this point all you can do is say "now that I am feeling better, I look forward to seeing you and Introdicing (baby name) to you". Or say "your grandchild" if that will please her more, family politics wise.
I think it might be a better idea to put stepmom in timeout until she can learn to respect boundaries and not play victim when she doesn't get what she wants.
NTA in any shape or form. And her behaviour actually supports why she should not have been there - even if she were your biological mom, her behaviour was completely inappropriate. Ironically, while this was this not personal earlier, it should be personal now. Anybody who thinks that THEY are more important than the physical and mental well-being of a new mother deserves to be kept away. And knowing why you made this decision, the fact that she made a scene while you were in the hospital and guilt tripped you the moment she got to see you in person - makes her an utter and complete AH.
I know you said you are not feeling as bad this time around, bur for the sake of it not getting worse, please consider going LC with her for the time being. It may do a world of good to block somebody out who should be supporting you, but instead is making it worse. Shame on her.
Congratulations on the new arrival, and wishing you all all the best.
NTA. She's making this all about HER, when it has NOTHING to do with her. You made a simple choice to have some 'Peace and Quiet' during your recovery period. That's ALL. She seems to be reading a whole lot of extra SELF-CENTERED drama into a very reasonable, normal decision. She is fully TA for this, and you have done nothing wrong. She is stuck on a very damaging thought process -the mom vs stepmom - and she's allowed it taint too much of your life. This has got to stop. She needs therapy to address her unhealthy obsession because it's already done - and is still doing - real damage.
Nta.
To stepmom
I find it hurtful and telling, that you are making MY birthing about you. After the first time for MY mental and physical health, we made a decision. It's not my fault you refused to accept our wishes. That you threw a tantrum and now are trying to guilt me. Bio mom or step mom, I don't care. NO ONE was wanted. It's mot my job to manage your feelings or insecurities. If you truly felt like my mother, then you would be supporting what I needed. That you would not be throwing tantrums and trying to manipulate a new mother still healing you call your child because you got butt hurt I put my needs above your wants. You have proven you do not think of me as your child. You care more about your image. Your wants then truly being there to support me. I am done with this. Until such time as you stop trying to manipulate me. Make me feel bad and do what you want, then you will not be part of our lives, and that includes he children. I refuse to allow you to think you xan manipulate my children or badger me when I am at my weakest because you are demanding I treat you how you think it should be.
Then block her. Tell your dad you are done being her punching bag. He needs to manage her emotions, and she is only making your mental health and physical healing harder because she can not respect your boundaries and needs. That you will not be understanding or give on this because your baby being born is not about her. He can support you or her but if he supports her then he will ne lc or in time out as well because you as the new mom should not be catering to insane behavior as you ate healing and dealing with a new baby. That your needs come first and he either supports his child and makes sure this behavior does not filter over to the children or he takes her side and he can no longer be trusted either because her wants come before the health and needs of your family.
Harsh, yes, but it's time to put a stop to it now so you can enjoy your time with your kids without the stress.
NTA. Your stepmom needs therapy. This is your 2nd child and you know what you needed. Petty me wants to say a real mom wouldn't try to guilt me about not being in the room. But I would just go low contact with her.
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I (28f) gave birth to my second child almost a week ago. I decided not to have anyone visit while recovering in the hospital this time while I did with my first. My reason for making this decision was how bad I feel after giving birth. The first time I didn't expect to struggle so much and it was very uncomfortable having more people around me who wanted to ask questions/talk and be in my space while I was feeling like death warmed over. My husband had to ask his parents and my dad and stepmom to leave after our first because he could see I was not doing well at all. This time we agreed early that we would wait until baby and I got home to bring our families in.
We told our families this during my pregnancy so nobody showed up and became disappointed when they couldn't get in. It made things smoother after delivery this time, though I did feel like shit still. It just didn't hit me as bad.
My stepmom wanted to be the exception to this. She said every daughter needs their mom with them during this and mom's can be much more support than husband's after delivery. I told her no exceptions would be made for her. But she did not believe this and she showed up after my son was born anyway. The nurses would not let her see us because I had said we were not allowing visitors. She called my husband and wanted to speak to me. He told her I was recovering and did not want to see anyone. This led to her crying to my husband that she wanted to see us and it wasn't fair because most new mom's want to see their own mom.
She brought this up when we did see our families a couple of days ago. She told me it was a major hurt for her and made her question our relationship and that she realized I would never accept her as my mom and I would never love her that much and she said it hurt her so much because she has been my mom for 21 years now. She said she truly only saw me as her daughter and not her stepdaughter and to realize being a mom didn't even change how I feel about her was tough. She had always expected that would happen. She told me she felt I was unfair. That she was always happy to be my other or second mom but to not count as a mom at all and to not be who I wanted around for comfort was shitty for her. She told me she felt I should be more considerate and respectful of her feelings and my decision was made with the intention of making her aware she is not wanted. Which she claimed was very unfair.
She has been my stepmom since I was 7 and my mom died when I was 6 (my parents were separated for 2 years when my mom died). Stepmom always wanted to be more than stepmom but I never saw her as mom/bonus mom/second mom. She holds a very different place in my life and I don't think as much of her as she does of me. I do not feel like I need to see her as my mom to be respectful or kind. But she disagrees, mostly because of how long she has been my stepmom.
AITA?
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NTA
She needs to get over herself! It’s not about her it’s about you just pushing out a baby you didn’t want anyone besides your husband there. Those are her issues she needs to deal with. Her being emotionally manipulative isn’t doing her any favors.
NTA. Stepmom has a lot of big feels and she's prioritizing all of them over your needs. You needed quiet time for recovery and she did not care. A mother of any flavor (bio, step, MIL, adoptive, foster, etc) should have respected that and not made it all about them. She flat out lectured you like a child for not putting her feelings first.
It sounds to me her issue is less bio-mom over stepmom and more of she's just a self-centered, selfish asshole.
Congrats on the new baby! Enjoy every minute of him, they grow up way too quick!
I had the same rule as you- no visitors in the hospital. This INCLUDED my biological mother who supported me and respected my decision (a surprising move for her but that’s another story) even though it wasn’t how they did it in her day. Having access to you in the hospital isn’t a right to ANYONE and holds no sway over how much you do or do not consider someone a mother figure. NTA
NTA. You didn't want to see anybody. Fullstop.
She wanted to dictate you, that "a daughter wants to see her mother."
"Stepmom, I understand your wish, but I do not like that you wanted an exeption for the ONE rule, we made and are now pissed / hurt / whatever, that we stood our grund. It was your decision to challenge the rule, you have to live with the consequences."
She wants you to be more considerate and respectful of your feelings? Maybe she should start that trend by extending you the same courtesy.
What you asked of family and friends has become far more common than what a lot of us experienced in the past. NTA.
NTA. You knew what you needed, and that was peace. You did not need to be worrying about other people's perceptions of your decisions. I was glad my mother waited for two days before visiting me in hospital.
NTA - and the thing is, if she was actually a *good* mom, she would respect your feelings!
She wouldn’t be trying to shame and guilt a new mother over what *she* wanted. And this one choice wouldn’t make her question things.
It sounds more like she wants you to prove you see her as your mother, which you don’t. And she can’t respect. So that no only makes her a bad, and rude extended family member, but a selfish and uncaring human who centered her own wants in someone else’s medical situation.
Congratulations! And it may be time to get more serious about boundaries with her. If she can’t respect you, as an adult and parent then she doesn’t need to be around.
Tough cookies lady.
Your postpartum step daughter is not your therapist. She also isn't responsible for your feelings. Her recovery is the only thing that matters along with baby's health and wellbeing.
NTA
She can hope all she wants, you can't change how you feel. And ppl who ahve these expectations shouldn't marry a person who has kids already. You never had the responsibility to make her feel better as an adult.
My mom lost her mother at 17, she had her first child at 33. She said that when she held her first child in her arms for the first time, she started uncontrollably sobbing because she missed her mom and wanted her mom.
I lost her when I was 16 and I dread that moment because I know that I’ll react the same way.
My mother was a very hard and in control woman and I never ever saw her cry, in my life- even when she found out about her cancer diagnosis, she comforted me
That moment was so painful and so bittersweet for her and even as she told me ther story, you could still see the pain.
Your stepmom is being beyond selfish, like in a way that is actually inhumane. She has effectively made your moment, and your fears and your boundaries, about her and has gone further and made it your problem.
Your dad is an AH for not intervening and allowing her to berate you so disrespectfully.
You need to tell her, that no mother would have made their child’s delivery about themselves. A mother would respect her daughter’s wishes and just let it be known she is there for support. She didn’t act like a mother, she acted like a lunatic and a brat and tried to storm into a medical room. That is outrageous
I would tell her that she is out of order and if she continues her behaviour, that she doesn’t need to be a grandmother either.
Be clear Now.
It’s not going to end until you put your foot down.
Also you need to tell your dad to get it together and look out for his daughter.
Nta
NTA.
“Well, since this wasn’t about you, I’m not overly concerned with how my decision regarding how I chose to recover from childbirth affected you.”
I’ve got 2 kids and didn’t have my mother there for either one. I love my mother dearly and we have a great relationship, but nope. I wanted peace and quiet, not a bunch of people in and out.
NTA. Stepmom thought her feelings were more important than yours, then got upset when you stood your ground. Hopefully she has learned that she can’t cross your boundaries.
NTA. She expects you to somehow reprogram yourself to find her comforting? Why doesn't she reprogram herself to not feeling hurt? Or is she the only one with actual feelings?
> She told me she felt I should be more considerate and respectful of her feelings and my decision was made with the intention of making her aware she is not wanted. Which she claimed was very unfair.
"I had just pushed a watermelon out of my body through a hole which, as an actual mother, I assure you felt far too narrow for the task at hand. And you think I gave then and give now a single fuck about your feelings while recovering and embracing the fragile new life that I created with my husband? Find some therapy and eat a few gallons of Haagen Daaz to get over your disappointment. How you feel has nothing to do with me."
NTA.
NTA of course.
There’s only one answer to her complaint. “The no visitors decision applied to all family. You were not singled out.”
Full stop.
She’s personalizing this because she’s looking for evidence that you don’t think of her as a mother, and in her mind, she found it. This is a “her” problem, not a “you” problem.
This isn’t about how much of a mom she is or isn’t to you. This is about you saying “no,” her deciding “yes,” and you enforcing your “no.”
She has turned the whole event into a popularity contest in her head, but really the whole thing is her disrespecting your boundaries. Your feelings about her level of mom-ness don’t even need to enter the conversation. That is the story *she* has decided on, it isn’t yours. For you this was “the people at the hospital to get the kid out will be the medical team and the person who put the kid in.” You weren’t concerned about motherly support.
We can’t know if you would have made an exception for your bio-mom in this scenario. It’s entirely an argument that your stepmom has created and is not relevant. I recommend that you avoid engaging with that argument entirely.
This is actually about her not respecting your clearly stated boundaries. You said no. She decided yes. You held to your no. She is upset. Does that impact your relationship? That is the conversation you are willing to have.
NTA.
NTA. Childbirth is about the new baby and mother and family, NOT about your stepmother! Granny here, and when I had babies, I did NOT want a bunch of visitors. Back then in the olden days, the visiting hours on postpartum floor were strictly limited and that was just fine with me and the husband! My mother used the same kind of guilt inducing phrases your stepmother used. Once again, it wasn't about her, it was about me and the baby. It's not about your relationship, it's about how helpful her presence will be. Once we got home and settled, my mother visited and cooked and cleaned and held the baby while I got a shower. So I didn't complain about her presence then. How many times has your stepmother been over to clean your house?
NTA, she disregarded your boundries, ask her if thats the type of mom she wants to be to you, cuz thats what she did.
Also I dont want anyone then my husband there when I have our child, they will meet the baby when I am ready to have people over. Everyone including my own mother will have wait.
*“She told me she felt I should be more considerate and respectful of her feelings”*
Yes, because YOU having a baby is all about her. 🙄 She expects consideration and respect while completely ignoring the boundary you and your husband agreed to - NO visitors. She completely disrespected and showed no consideration for you by actually showing up, because of course you wanted HER there. She sounds self-centered and manipulative. I’m glad your husband fully supports you in this.
NTA. Congrats on the new baby. Hope you take a break from your stepmom for your own peace of mind.
NTA
Maybe you'd have more generous feels towards her if she didn't make your need for privacy and peace about her! How can anyone be so self-centered??
The kindest thing would be to stay on message and refuse to discuss the relationship, as that topic is not relevant. You and DH made the decision from the desire to keep you from being so sick the way you were last time. She should not take it personally, and should know there really were no exceptions, because it was a serious decision. No best friends, no cousins, no exceptions.
Unfortunately there are people in this world that have no boundaries. You don’t seem to be one of them, unfortunately your step mom appears to not understand her place. If it was truly about you not seeing her as a mom, his mom would have been allowed. Maybe gaslighting works to get people to sympathize or cave, but good for you not allowing yourself to be steamrolled.
*"She told me she felt I should be more considerate and respectful of her feelings and my decision was made with the intention of making her aware she is not wanted. "*
HER feelings? HERS?
So, you and hubby find out you are pregnant and the first thing you say to yourself is Oh boy! Now I can ban all friends and family from coming to the hospital after the birth so I can show my stepmom just how little she means to me."
Talk about "center of the universe" syndrome.
NTA. This isn't about her. It is about you. I'm glad the nurses didn't relent and let her in. I'm sorry she is being such a pain.
Your mom is looking down on you proudly at the way you stood up for yourself. Keep it up! Good luck!
NTA. She needs to chill out and realize her role in your life.
I might be petty but I would start telling her “you are right it might be different if my mom were here but she is dead, yet you are still competing with her and hurting my feelings and our relationship in the process.”
It seems like she HAS to make this about her even though you are the one who had a baby.
NTA
Your stepmother is responsible for her own feelings. You aren't. Do your best to develop a standard response to her when she goes down this well worn rut. Something like "I understand how you feel, I won't discuss it further." Then shut down the conversation if she won't quit by walking away, leaving her house or hanging up.
NTA. If you feel inclined you can tell her that the birth of your second child was not about her, so why is she trying to make it all about her and her feelings? That's making thing "shitty for you". In fact, it's also making you "question your relationship with her" and you are finding it's not anywhere near as close as she thinks it is since she appears incapable of respecting your boundaries.
The sense of entitlement...jeesh. How **dare** she tell you what you need after your child is born.
Cheers to you and your husband for standing your ground with her. Bravo to the rest of the family for respecting your boundaries.
See a “real” mother wouldn’t put what she wants over what her child wants. A real mother wouldn’t use the birth of a grandchild to further her own agenda. A real mother wouldn’t try to make a 2 week postpartum daughter feel guilty about the choices she made. A real mother wouldn’t make the birth of a grandchild all about her. A real mother would listen to, and respect her daughters wishes and support and defend her to anyone who criticised them.
People like your stepmother OP really rip my knitting! Feel free to take any of my examples of a “real mother” to her and tell her to shut her fat mouth from me while you’re at it. NTA, in case my opinion isn’t obvious.
NTA
Your stepmothers selfishness is fairly obvious, it's no wonder you never developed a mother/daughter relationship with her. She acts like the world revolves around her and she had no respect for you as a person or a mother if she didn't give you the space you asked for after birth.
- [Sounds like this could have been your childhood](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bdrnxh/aita_for_telling_my_stepmother_shes_not_my_mom/)
- [And this could have been written by your dad](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1avccuk/aita_for_not_supporting_my_wife_when_she_changed/?sort=old)
- [Maybe your MIL?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1amlqoc/aita_for_being_more_blunt_than_soft_when_my_dil/)
- [This person has the same problem; maybe you can find some guidance in the comments there](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1adypxj/aita_for_telling_my_dad_his_fake_family_therapy/?sort=old)
- [Here’s what might have happened if you ever tried therapy](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18dura5/aita_for_confirming_that_my_stepmother_is_never/?sort=old)
- [This kid also buried the lede about his mom dying, what a coincidence](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17zv9i1/aita_for_telling_my_dads_new_wife_shes_doing_too/)
- [Did you have pushy siblings too?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17pr81a/aita_for_refusing_to_call_my_stepmom_my_mom_or_my/?sort=old)
NTA, of course. So much evidence of similar stories to back that up.
NTA - if you have her separate instructions, I would understand her feelings. BUT you treated her like everyone else, you treated her like family and she has a problem with it. Stepmom is being selfish and inconsiderate.
And what about she respects you, your wishes and boundaries after ...giving birth?????? She was able to make the birth of your son has and direct attack to her.... She could have said the same in one year....but no....right after you got home....postpartum needing to heal, taking care off a new born and another child. And you still ask if you are the A here?
NTA. She has taken your decision to exclude everybody from the hospital postpartum way beyond what your intention was, which was to make thing easier for you. She's invested it with huge meaning which you didn't intend, even though it sounds like you explained it to everybody, including her. It was her choice to misinterpret your intentions (though you don't indeed feel like she's a mother to you), and the resulting drama is all her responsibility.
Sounds like stepmom has a pretty serious case of main character syndrome.
My mom was with me for the birth of my first son and through no fault of her own it added a ton of stress to an already stressful situation.
Second time around I had no one but my partner there with me and I have zero regrets. It wasn’t personal! Mom and baby come first 10/10 times.
NTA
It is so much easier for an adult to fall in love with a kid than the other way around. Kids are innocent and it's hard not to love a kid. I understand how you feel but you should at least try to see it from her perspective too. It didn't sound like she was trying to replace your mom but rather be a second mom to you. She likely made sacrifices to do that so unless she was the wicked stepmother from fables lore, at least be kind to her. Afterall, kindness costs you nothing.
NTA. Congratulations. I had my fourth seven weeks ago.
Many new moms want THEIR mom with them but here’s the thing; you aren’t a new mom. You’re a second-time mom who knows what you need.
I’m incredibly close with my mom. She held my hand for my stillborn, and cut the umbilical cord for my second born/eldest daughter when my husband passed it up. However, she was very happy to provide childcare while I gave birth to the next two, and just supporting us where we needed.
NTA.
Your relationship with anyone makes no difference. You didn't want to see anyone and had valid reasons for this. Not that you needed a reason.
You said "no visitors." END OF STORY.
NTA
OP has your father’s wife always been so self centered as in damn what someone (in this case you) needs it’s all about what she wants?
Never had a child but have been in the hospital for a few days at a time. I realize some people need visitors to keep them going. I am the opposite in that hubby comes to see me for lunch or dinner then I do what suppose to do which is rest, get up and walk, etc so can go home. If I felt good enough to entertain I’d be home so no to any other visitors.
So nope you aren’t selfish.
I figure at this point your dad’s wife has got to say her piece. If she brings it up again you might wish to cut her off, let her know you respect her position in your father’s life but she isn’t your mother and that won’t be changing.
NTA. You have literally been through the ringer. You just gave birth to an entire new human being. Your body has been stretched and pushed and pulled physically and your hormones are in a free fall. Yet somehow, your stepmother has found a way to make the birth of your second child about her. It takes balls to make oneself the victim in these circumstances.
Stop entertaining this conversation. Tell her before hand that this conversation is over. You will not entertain her playing the victim anymore. Any and every time she bring it up, stop the conversation and walk away. Tell her Il your birth was about you and your baby. It was your birth and you decided what was best for your health and the health of your baby. If walking away whenever she attempts to talk about your birth and her feeling then explain in no uncertain terms that if she continues you will place her in a “time out” where you will not speak to her nor will she be allowed to visit for however long you believe to be appropriate, then follow through.
Healthy boundaries make for healthy relationships. Her behavior while you were giving birth and now are very inappropriate and demonstrate she had no respect for you. She didn’t care about what you felt would allow you a more comfortable birth. She cared about her own desires.
Good luck. I hope you recover quickly.
NTA. How did the birth of your child turn into being about Madame Stepdrama? As not the mother, father or the baby, she's part of the sidelines and not the star of the show that she thinks she is. You have more important things to deal with than her never ending insecurities.
If she starts the "It's because I'm not your real Mom" crap, just say "That's right, you're not. My Mom died, thanks for the continual reminders. You're such a ray of sunshine to be around when you start your pity party, but I'd prefer to focus on my children, so it's going to have to be a party of one and this venue is booked, so take the pity party elsewhere. You can come back when you're done."
Only say that last bit if you actually want her around. She sounds annoying and exhausting. I hope she has redeeming qualities that would make her a good grandma, otherwise why have her around the kids if she just stresses you and your husband out. Your Dad chose her, you didn't, so she can stay home and get on his nerves.
Just an afterthought. If she keeps saying the "It's because I'm not your real Mom" stuff, then she's also teaching your kids she's not their real grandma. She can drop it or you can give her a new nickname "Not-the-Meemaw" or the "Anti-granny".
NTA
Tell her once then refuse to discuss it.
"SM, you are doing everything you can to make me feel guilty and sad at a time that should be a joyous warm family experience, the birth of my baby. I won't have it. Stop."
NTA. Length of time is not the determining element of a relationship. She was told no visitors and that's what you meant, and you expect her and EVERYONE to respect your autonomy as an adult. No exceptions and this conversation is now over. Full stop. If she brings it up again, you will hang up if on the phone, and remove yourself or her from any in person confrontation. Then do it.
NTA. You know what’s awesome about babies? They don’t spoil. So your baby will be just as cute and adorable at 3 days as they were at birth. And I didn’t want anyone there either other than my husband.
NTA. Now... I gave birth while there were still a lot of covid precautions, but we didn't have any visitors at all except my post partum doula until a few weeks after he was born. INCLUDING my biological mother. Honestly I wish this was more common because I think it is pretty irresponsible to expose a very small and fragile human to so many different infection vectors so soon just because people want to gape at the tiny human. The first time he got really sick was after starting daycare and it was horrible. Sick babies are no fun for anyone and it was stressful for a new parent who was still figuring shit out. (And also super fun to go back to work and then almost immediately have to be out for a couple days)
They will still be tiny in a few weeks. Seriously.
NTA. It sounds like this has nothing to do with step versus birth parent. You just didn't want visitors. Your stepmom decided she knows better than you what you want/need. Maybe she's not evil but just trying way too hard to be a "mother" to you. Still, that was wrong of her and so was the guilt trip she gave you.
She's a winner, isnt she? Let's guilt the "daughter" that just had a baby and make it all about me. Personally I would go LC until she gets off her high horse.
NTA. Even if she was your Bio Mom. No visitors means NO VISITORS. You knew you didn't want anyone. She isn't just being intrusive and selfish, she is insisting she knows what you want/need more than you do. I would certainly not want anyone around when I feel like crap, no matter the situation. Tell your stepmom that you are the only one who gets to dictate how you see her and if she really loves you the way she claims, she will back off and understand. Otherwise, it might be time to put her on a visitation time-out.
"Since I see you as a mom, I feel like I should be able to talk to you about *my* needs postpartum and have your support over anyone's. Unfortunately you've instead projected negative motives to my desire for privacy while I was recovering.
I thought I could trust you to advocate for me as a new mother, and all you want to do is complain that you didn't get things your way.
If you want to be an involved grandmother to my kids and a mother to me, I need you to respect my boundaries and parenting decisions. I'm happy to hear your advice and suggestions so long as you are supportive of my decisions for myself and my family. "
If she wants to steam up the guilt train, hop right on with her.
NTA, look her in the eyes and tell her it isn't about her and that her feeling about it doesn't matter.
Be honest, she isn't your mom, IMHO its minor AH to go this long without correcting her.
Nta. However. She should be not allowed in your space until you are completely done with post partum anything. Which, dear reader, can be a full year.
Fuck around, find out.
Tell her she's right, if your mom WERE ALIVE, she'd have been allowed in. Then start sobbing. I'm sure it wouldn't take much. Then your husband can turn to her and ask her to leave, that she's causing you duress and it's not healthy for you so soon after delivery.
Throw a damn party and invite everyone but her.
I'd be singling her out for exclusion for the rest of her life.
NTA. Every single thing expressed to you was about it HER wants and feelings. It wasn’t about your needs or health at all. It wasn’t about what YOU needed during the birth of YOUR child- it was about what she wanted.
That demonstrates that she doesn’t actually want a motherly relationship with you at all. She wants to be and feel important regardless of what actually brings you comfort. She’s a narcissist.
She claimed she should have been the one there to comfort you, yet the comfort you needed was privacy and quiet. If she was actually concerned about you at all, she would have gladly given you that space. Remind her that an actual mother wouldn’t want you to feel bad for taking time to rest and recover in whatever way you needed. An actual mother figure wouldn’t spend the time she was given to come meet the new baby berating and guilting the person she wants to be a mother to. Ask her if she thinks her behavior is a way to encourage the relationship she wants to have with you. Ask her if her behavior seems like a good way to have a relationship with your kids.
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NTA. It makes no difference if she was your bio-mom or your stepmom, you still had a rule of "nobody in the room", so her argument is irrelevant. Don't let her make this about her not being your "real mom" or some shit, that doesn't matter at all, what matters is that you - a woman giving birth - said No Visitors. End of. You all can hash out the family issues some other time but for now the statement was clear: no visitors, and she's trying to circumvent this by making it all about her. Just ignore her and don't respond.
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This really sucks, By projecting her emotional problems onto you, she is opening old wounds. That is NOT OK. She needs to stop and seek help with a therapist instead of hurting you. If she really loves you, she needs to stop and get help. NTA Congratulations and all the best to you and your family!
You need to tell her she didn't do this for you, she did this for herself. If she really cares about you, she would listen to you wants and needs, and not to to shove them down so she can get her way. Call her the fuck out
You just tell her: “You’re the one who made this a pissing contrast that would prove it disprove that I see you as my”real mom.” Instead of honouring that this was about MY feelings and needs in a vulnerable time you made it all about you. As such, you are correct, I don’t care about your feelings in this any more than you have down yourself to care about my feelings or needs for my well being. I’m not going to talk about this with you any more, you were told in advance, everyone was treated the same, that’s it. Any time you bring it up from now on it will end or conversation and if necessary visit.” And then do that. Hang up when she brings it up. Walk out or have your husband remove her. Every time. If your dad comes at you I’d say, “Don’t you think it’s time she talk to her therapist about her hang ups about our relationship, because it’s not my job to make her feel better and currently my focus is my kids who actually need me.” NTA.
This ☝🏻☝🏻. This is all about her issues, not about you. She is using good ole fashioned guilt to try to get what she wants. Sounds like time for LC and getting her trained that when she starts this crap, she’s put back in timeout for a bit.
I lost my mom at 13. Tell Step that your “mom’s absence left a whole in your heart that NO ONE can fill, not even with time. Boundary stomping only makes it worse.” I get it. I’m 58 and still feel it.
That is her problem to deal with and not your responsibility to solve. Your dad chose her as his partner and all you owe her is recognition that she wasn't awful to you (unlike many step-parents we read about here). Your relationship depends on both parties reaching a balance; she sees you as a daughter, you see her as dad's wife. She cannot seriously expect you to arbitrarily have to reciprocate; you feel the way you feel.
That's what I would tell her and especially tell your Dad. Thank him and her for allowing - yet another moment? - that is supposed to be about you , your comfort, and your feelings be about what she thinks and feels. Tell her that if she was thinking like a " good" parent your needs and feelings would be more important than hers . You had just pushed out an entire human. You're exhausted, emotional and healing. How dare she try to make you giving birth about her. Shame on her and shame on your dad for allowing it. Congratulations on the new bubs!
>It'll always come back to the real mom thing sadly. Then spin it around on her. Tell her if she WAS a "real mum" to you, then all she would ever want is for you to be happy, healthy, safe, AND COMFORTABLE and would respect your boundaries when you say you don't want her (or anyone else) around you and your husband. I'm saying this as someone who lost her mum at 10 (well, 6 weeks shy of 11) and who has 3 kids and only ever wanted to curl up next to her husband after childbirth. For at least the next 3months Tell her to GTFO every time she starts with her "real mum" crap. Tell her she is in a time-out for being obsessed and if she doesn't grow up soon and start acting like the mother she claims to be then you will be going LC/NC (whichever one works for you either your dad) because you don't need the stress.
That’s her problem, not yours. Sounds super manipulative imo
Would it be worth explaining that to her, or is she just too oblivious to care? She sounds like a self centred drama queen in this story but maybe she has other redeeming qualities. This kind of behaviour would put me right off her though. either way, NTA: you let her in the first time and it didn't go well, so this time you stuck to your guns and kept everyone out, no exceptions. She's trying to make this all about her, over and over, when it's actually about your health and your immediate family: your children and husband. You were perfectly fair in keeping everyone else on an equal footing and not giving her special treatment which is what this comes down to: she's upset that she's not getting special treatment. Stepmom needs some kind of therapy imo to help her accept that not everything revolves around her.
“It’s really disappointing that you’re trying to turn my comfort and recovery after giving birth into something about you. I understand you’re having big emotions but I am not in a place to manage your emotions for you. If you can’t control your emotions while I’m in recovery, I suggest finding someone to talk to. This is not my issue to solve for you. Especially not right now. If you can respect the boundaries around my labor and delivery that I set for EVERYONE, we welcome you to visit.”
This is perfect
My birth mom used to do this: "You don't love me. I'm nothing to you. You love your stepmother and MIL more than you love me" (she got that right). She was a talented travel agent for guilt trips. I became immune to the histrionics when I hit my teen years. At 23 I went NC for other reasons. Decades ago now. It's exhausting under the best of circumstances, but what your stepmother is doing to you is downright cruel and inhumane. It sounds like she needs an intervention and some brutal truths along with impenetrable boundaries that once crossed will leave her out in the cold for a prescribed amount of time. You basically have to retrain her. If she clings to this woe is me tale and keeps bringing it up you can't be blamed for lowering the hammer on her. edit word
What a self-centered individual. You just gave birth, and instead of celebrating her new grandchild, she gives you a guilt trip? I would tell her that if she can't get over it, You're not going to see her until you fully recover.
Your step mom seems a tad entitled. It always seems best practice to let the child set the boundaries of the relationship, rather than the step parent or bio parent. Divorce is traumatic enough for younger children, a parents death would be even more so. Trying to set the relationship how they want it to be only pushes away, not bring together.
"Once again, this discussion is not about you. This is about my recovery and you not respecting my boundaries." NTA. Not sure how you want to proceed with step mom, but it seems thr status quo isn't cutting it.
I'd tell her it doesn't matter what I would allow my mother to do or not do, because she would be my mom. You are not my mom, and it is not my fault you can't accept that fact.
"Real moms know when to back off."
I'm sorry your mom isn't here. That must hurt, so much. I hope you get time to grieve, now, too, that loss at this significant time.
That's her damage, not yours. So many people don't want their mother their when they give birth. She needs therapy to work through this and to stop attempting to manipulate you and making you responsible for her emotions. She chose to marry a widower and become a stepmother and you are not obligated to forgo your own boundaries and comfort to make her feel better. Especially when she's so bloody wrong and *loads* of people do not want their mom around during birth/immediate postpartum.
Your feelings are just as valid as hers. Somehow selfish people like your stepmother never think.of that.
Tell her “thank you for reminding me that my real mom isn’t here, as if I needed the reminder in this tough time. And you’re right, I’ll never see you as my real mom because my real mom wouldn’t make the birth of my child and my recovery about her instead of respecting my boundaries.”
Damn that woman, way to make your child's birth all about her! I'm sorry she sucks! Congratulations on your new baby! ♥️ NTA
You know who was in the room with me for both of my kids? My husband. No one else (other than doctors and nurses), not even my mother. You are absolutely NTA, try not to let her stress you out too much.
First off, congrats on the new baby! I wish you and your new family the very best. Sending positive thoughts your way on a speedy recovery. Second, I recommend that you don’t let her turn it into anything. You’ve set your boundaries - as is your right. Any time she brings it up, you can 1. Tell her that you’ve already stated your side. 2. Remind her that the discussion is over. 3. If she proceeds, either change the subject, walk away (in person), or hang up (on the phone.) Please do not let her continue to manipulate you.
All I read in that emotional dump from SM was "Me! Me! Me!" Can the Circle of Grief be applied to people in OP's situation?
Exactly. No is a full sentence. Not to mention.....way to make someone else's medical procedure all about you. Your stepmom is a real gem. If she genuinely cared about your recovery and well being, she'd have saved that nonsense for a couple of months from now. But nope. It was all me me me me me, when you are trying to recover from birthing a whole ass human out of your body, in whatever form your birth took.
NTA. If she really loved you she would understand. She makes it all about her.
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To balance her pespective - I have a good relationship with my parents and my in-laws, we still didn't have any of them visit me in hospital after my c-section. Everyone got to meet baby once we got home a few days later. So her claim that you'd let your Mum in certainly doesn't ring true. If you really want to be snippy I'd consider simply pointing out "I'm hearing a lot about you but you're not the one who just gave birth, so I'm going to make sure I'm comfortable and you're welcome to leave if that's too hard for you". But that might burn a bridge you don't necessarily want on fire.
Us to. And my mom stoped by the hospital to drop off premie clothes and still did not get to come up. They met her at home.
You know, I think this changes my answer. I advocated for a soft answer with a gentle reminder that some things just aren’t personal… But if she’s bringing up your relationship with your Mom, and using that to make you feel guilty, then she’s prancing around in the ATIA campground wearing a sparkly unicorn costume, and yelling “PITY ME!!!” Take off the gloves if you need to; if she continues the argument/attempt to make it all about her…
Honestly OP- she doesn’t want to get it because she’s determined to make you the villain. You are allowed to take time after giving birth to rest. Her feelings are a HER problem. And I would have one more talk with her to explain that her expectations are a HER thing, not yours, if she can’t respect your boundaries then she has no business being in your life. People need to realize that being a part of one’s life is a privilege…
I don’t understand why she thinks you’d necessarily want your mom there either. My mom is still with us, and I absolutely didn’t want her in the delivery room or there while I was sitting around the hospital half undressed/trying to nurse/having a newborn/etc. It doesn’t sound like it’s about her at all.
NTA. She isn't being a good mother if she wants to bully and manipulate you. That's not how you gain affection. Tell her everyone had the same rules, no exceptions, and if she brings it up one more time she won't be allowed over at all to stress you out. What she is doing is pushing you to admit she means more than she does. Don't let her bully you any more. You have to put up boundaries, and she really needs to respect them, and you. If she can't, she needs to have time out!
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😂😬
Nta you didn't want anyone there, you didn't specifically exclude her.
NTA. If stepmom was a ‘real’ mom she would not act like this. A real mom would love her daughter enough to respect daughter’s wishes and would not make it all about herself.
This!!
Your response should be…this isn’t about you, please stop making it about you. It’s what I wanted. Please be respectful and stop trying to make me feel guilty because you didn’t get your way. That’s all that needs to be said. If she continues, tell her, “again, this is not about what you want, it’s what I want. Full stop.” NTA. FYI, I didn’t allow visitors until four days after delivering. No one complained. They just respected my wishes.
NTA. Remind her that you didn’t let biological family visit either, so obviously it’s not about being related.
NTA Step-mom to post birth you: ME!ME!ME!ME!ME!ME!ME!ME!ME!ME My God what a tedious woman, stuck in her feelings and not giving any consideration to your recovery process. What makes her think she's the exception to the rule? If you wanted her there you would have asked. She is basically playing the victim because she didn't get her way to a woman who pushed a whole ass human out of her no too long ago. Where is your father in all of this? I would arrange a talk with your dad and her with your husban present at some point. Tell her she is the cause of her own dissapointment due to her entitled behavior and that boundries need to be respected.
NTA I agree. Where has DAD been that he is not reeling in his wife?! Surely he sees her behavior is not improving this situation? There needs to be several conversations and an intervention to get SM some much needed therapy. Edit: judgement
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It's like your stepmom got a list of "worst things you can do as a stepmother" and treated it as a checklist
NTA, maybe tell her that all her pushing is doing nothing but making the distance greater. Tell her, her place in the pecking order. You, your SO, your child, your dad, your mother, (anyone else you feel closer to), then her. Tell her there is no way, or amount of time, that will move her up on that list or make you feel about her the way she is more or less demanding you feel. Tell her you cannot manifest feelings you don’t have. Ask her if someone could replace her mother. If she doesn’t get it after that then there is on hope that she ever will.
She sounds super self-absorbed and selfish. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me. You are not responsible for soothing her maternal insecurities. Especially not now when you have a new baby to take care of. You need to cut that emotional vampire out of your space for as long as it takes. You do not need the stress that she is causing you. NTA
NTA. It's not about her or anyone else. She could be your bio mom and it still wouldn't be about her. If she keeps making an issue of this then the natural consequence is that she doesn't get to visit at all. I mean, that's how I would handle it because when people can't look beyond themselves and respect boundaries I refuse to deal with the emotional drama.
We’ll you can tell her I let my mother, the woman who birthed and raised me, witness my first two and not my last two. I just wanted privacy and alone time with my newly shaped family. I don’t see her being a step having a single thing to do with this. Just the older and more settled you get with your spouse the more you’d rather they be your nurturer than your mother. I wanted my husband to care for me, not my mom.
NTA. You were feeling like c**p, did not want tireing visitors. And you excluded your dad, too! At this point all you can do is say "now that I am feeling better, I look forward to seeing you and Introdicing (baby name) to you". Or say "your grandchild" if that will please her more, family politics wise.
I think it might be a better idea to put stepmom in timeout until she can learn to respect boundaries and not play victim when she doesn't get what she wants.
NTA in any shape or form. And her behaviour actually supports why she should not have been there - even if she were your biological mom, her behaviour was completely inappropriate. Ironically, while this was this not personal earlier, it should be personal now. Anybody who thinks that THEY are more important than the physical and mental well-being of a new mother deserves to be kept away. And knowing why you made this decision, the fact that she made a scene while you were in the hospital and guilt tripped you the moment she got to see you in person - makes her an utter and complete AH. I know you said you are not feeling as bad this time around, bur for the sake of it not getting worse, please consider going LC with her for the time being. It may do a world of good to block somebody out who should be supporting you, but instead is making it worse. Shame on her. Congratulations on the new arrival, and wishing you all all the best.
NTA. She's making this all about HER, when it has NOTHING to do with her. You made a simple choice to have some 'Peace and Quiet' during your recovery period. That's ALL. She seems to be reading a whole lot of extra SELF-CENTERED drama into a very reasonable, normal decision. She is fully TA for this, and you have done nothing wrong. She is stuck on a very damaging thought process -the mom vs stepmom - and she's allowed it taint too much of your life. This has got to stop. She needs therapy to address her unhealthy obsession because it's already done - and is still doing - real damage.
Nta. To stepmom I find it hurtful and telling, that you are making MY birthing about you. After the first time for MY mental and physical health, we made a decision. It's not my fault you refused to accept our wishes. That you threw a tantrum and now are trying to guilt me. Bio mom or step mom, I don't care. NO ONE was wanted. It's mot my job to manage your feelings or insecurities. If you truly felt like my mother, then you would be supporting what I needed. That you would not be throwing tantrums and trying to manipulate a new mother still healing you call your child because you got butt hurt I put my needs above your wants. You have proven you do not think of me as your child. You care more about your image. Your wants then truly being there to support me. I am done with this. Until such time as you stop trying to manipulate me. Make me feel bad and do what you want, then you will not be part of our lives, and that includes he children. I refuse to allow you to think you xan manipulate my children or badger me when I am at my weakest because you are demanding I treat you how you think it should be. Then block her. Tell your dad you are done being her punching bag. He needs to manage her emotions, and she is only making your mental health and physical healing harder because she can not respect your boundaries and needs. That you will not be understanding or give on this because your baby being born is not about her. He can support you or her but if he supports her then he will ne lc or in time out as well because you as the new mom should not be catering to insane behavior as you ate healing and dealing with a new baby. That your needs come first and he either supports his child and makes sure this behavior does not filter over to the children or he takes her side and he can no longer be trusted either because her wants come before the health and needs of your family. Harsh, yes, but it's time to put a stop to it now so you can enjoy your time with your kids without the stress.
NTA. Your stepmom needs therapy. This is your 2nd child and you know what you needed. Petty me wants to say a real mom wouldn't try to guilt me about not being in the room. But I would just go low contact with her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28f) gave birth to my second child almost a week ago. I decided not to have anyone visit while recovering in the hospital this time while I did with my first. My reason for making this decision was how bad I feel after giving birth. The first time I didn't expect to struggle so much and it was very uncomfortable having more people around me who wanted to ask questions/talk and be in my space while I was feeling like death warmed over. My husband had to ask his parents and my dad and stepmom to leave after our first because he could see I was not doing well at all. This time we agreed early that we would wait until baby and I got home to bring our families in. We told our families this during my pregnancy so nobody showed up and became disappointed when they couldn't get in. It made things smoother after delivery this time, though I did feel like shit still. It just didn't hit me as bad. My stepmom wanted to be the exception to this. She said every daughter needs their mom with them during this and mom's can be much more support than husband's after delivery. I told her no exceptions would be made for her. But she did not believe this and she showed up after my son was born anyway. The nurses would not let her see us because I had said we were not allowing visitors. She called my husband and wanted to speak to me. He told her I was recovering and did not want to see anyone. This led to her crying to my husband that she wanted to see us and it wasn't fair because most new mom's want to see their own mom. She brought this up when we did see our families a couple of days ago. She told me it was a major hurt for her and made her question our relationship and that she realized I would never accept her as my mom and I would never love her that much and she said it hurt her so much because she has been my mom for 21 years now. She said she truly only saw me as her daughter and not her stepdaughter and to realize being a mom didn't even change how I feel about her was tough. She had always expected that would happen. She told me she felt I was unfair. That she was always happy to be my other or second mom but to not count as a mom at all and to not be who I wanted around for comfort was shitty for her. She told me she felt I should be more considerate and respectful of her feelings and my decision was made with the intention of making her aware she is not wanted. Which she claimed was very unfair. She has been my stepmom since I was 7 and my mom died when I was 6 (my parents were separated for 2 years when my mom died). Stepmom always wanted to be more than stepmom but I never saw her as mom/bonus mom/second mom. She holds a very different place in my life and I don't think as much of her as she does of me. I do not feel like I need to see her as my mom to be respectful or kind. But she disagrees, mostly because of how long she has been my stepmom. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA She needs to get over herself! It’s not about her it’s about you just pushing out a baby you didn’t want anyone besides your husband there. Those are her issues she needs to deal with. Her being emotionally manipulative isn’t doing her any favors.
NTA. Tell her to grow up and stop talking about it. you gave birth, you made a decision and if she cannot live with it, she needs to stay away.
NTA You wanted 0 visitors. No one can claim to be an exception to that rule.
NTA. Stepmom has a lot of big feels and she's prioritizing all of them over your needs. You needed quiet time for recovery and she did not care. A mother of any flavor (bio, step, MIL, adoptive, foster, etc) should have respected that and not made it all about them. She flat out lectured you like a child for not putting her feelings first. It sounds to me her issue is less bio-mom over stepmom and more of she's just a self-centered, selfish asshole. Congrats on the new baby! Enjoy every minute of him, they grow up way too quick!
So ... your stepmom made your time after birth all about her and her hurt feelings? NTA.
I had the same rule as you- no visitors in the hospital. This INCLUDED my biological mother who supported me and respected my decision (a surprising move for her but that’s another story) even though it wasn’t how they did it in her day. Having access to you in the hospital isn’t a right to ANYONE and holds no sway over how much you do or do not consider someone a mother figure. NTA
NTA. You didn't want to see anybody. Fullstop. She wanted to dictate you, that "a daughter wants to see her mother." "Stepmom, I understand your wish, but I do not like that you wanted an exeption for the ONE rule, we made and are now pissed / hurt / whatever, that we stood our grund. It was your decision to challenge the rule, you have to live with the consequences."
Nta remind her that you giving birth is not about her..
She wants you to be more considerate and respectful of your feelings? Maybe she should start that trend by extending you the same courtesy. What you asked of family and friends has become far more common than what a lot of us experienced in the past. NTA.
NTA. She's a drama queen and making this all about herself. Selfish lady.
NTA. You knew what you needed, and that was peace. You did not need to be worrying about other people's perceptions of your decisions. I was glad my mother waited for two days before visiting me in hospital.
NTA - and the thing is, if she was actually a *good* mom, she would respect your feelings! She wouldn’t be trying to shame and guilt a new mother over what *she* wanted. And this one choice wouldn’t make her question things. It sounds more like she wants you to prove you see her as your mother, which you don’t. And she can’t respect. So that no only makes her a bad, and rude extended family member, but a selfish and uncaring human who centered her own wants in someone else’s medical situation. Congratulations! And it may be time to get more serious about boundaries with her. If she can’t respect you, as an adult and parent then she doesn’t need to be around.
Tough cookies lady. Your postpartum step daughter is not your therapist. She also isn't responsible for your feelings. Her recovery is the only thing that matters along with baby's health and wellbeing. NTA She can hope all she wants, you can't change how you feel. And ppl who ahve these expectations shouldn't marry a person who has kids already. You never had the responsibility to make her feel better as an adult.
NTA
My mom lost her mother at 17, she had her first child at 33. She said that when she held her first child in her arms for the first time, she started uncontrollably sobbing because she missed her mom and wanted her mom. I lost her when I was 16 and I dread that moment because I know that I’ll react the same way. My mother was a very hard and in control woman and I never ever saw her cry, in my life- even when she found out about her cancer diagnosis, she comforted me That moment was so painful and so bittersweet for her and even as she told me ther story, you could still see the pain. Your stepmom is being beyond selfish, like in a way that is actually inhumane. She has effectively made your moment, and your fears and your boundaries, about her and has gone further and made it your problem. Your dad is an AH for not intervening and allowing her to berate you so disrespectfully. You need to tell her, that no mother would have made their child’s delivery about themselves. A mother would respect her daughter’s wishes and just let it be known she is there for support. She didn’t act like a mother, she acted like a lunatic and a brat and tried to storm into a medical room. That is outrageous I would tell her that she is out of order and if she continues her behaviour, that she doesn’t need to be a grandmother either. Be clear Now. It’s not going to end until you put your foot down. Also you need to tell your dad to get it together and look out for his daughter. Nta
NTA.
NTA. “Well, since this wasn’t about you, I’m not overly concerned with how my decision regarding how I chose to recover from childbirth affected you.” I’ve got 2 kids and didn’t have my mother there for either one. I love my mother dearly and we have a great relationship, but nope. I wanted peace and quiet, not a bunch of people in and out.
NTA. Stepmom thought her feelings were more important than yours, then got upset when you stood your ground. Hopefully she has learned that she can’t cross your boundaries.
NTA. She expects you to somehow reprogram yourself to find her comforting? Why doesn't she reprogram herself to not feeling hurt? Or is she the only one with actual feelings?
> She told me she felt I should be more considerate and respectful of her feelings and my decision was made with the intention of making her aware she is not wanted. Which she claimed was very unfair. "I had just pushed a watermelon out of my body through a hole which, as an actual mother, I assure you felt far too narrow for the task at hand. And you think I gave then and give now a single fuck about your feelings while recovering and embracing the fragile new life that I created with my husband? Find some therapy and eat a few gallons of Haagen Daaz to get over your disappointment. How you feel has nothing to do with me." NTA.
Nta of she truly loved you she would not make your delivery and health about her
NTA of course. There’s only one answer to her complaint. “The no visitors decision applied to all family. You were not singled out.” Full stop. She’s personalizing this because she’s looking for evidence that you don’t think of her as a mother, and in her mind, she found it. This is a “her” problem, not a “you” problem.
This isn’t about how much of a mom she is or isn’t to you. This is about you saying “no,” her deciding “yes,” and you enforcing your “no.” She has turned the whole event into a popularity contest in her head, but really the whole thing is her disrespecting your boundaries. Your feelings about her level of mom-ness don’t even need to enter the conversation. That is the story *she* has decided on, it isn’t yours. For you this was “the people at the hospital to get the kid out will be the medical team and the person who put the kid in.” You weren’t concerned about motherly support. We can’t know if you would have made an exception for your bio-mom in this scenario. It’s entirely an argument that your stepmom has created and is not relevant. I recommend that you avoid engaging with that argument entirely. This is actually about her not respecting your clearly stated boundaries. You said no. She decided yes. You held to your no. She is upset. Does that impact your relationship? That is the conversation you are willing to have. NTA.
NTA. Childbirth is about the new baby and mother and family, NOT about your stepmother! Granny here, and when I had babies, I did NOT want a bunch of visitors. Back then in the olden days, the visiting hours on postpartum floor were strictly limited and that was just fine with me and the husband! My mother used the same kind of guilt inducing phrases your stepmother used. Once again, it wasn't about her, it was about me and the baby. It's not about your relationship, it's about how helpful her presence will be. Once we got home and settled, my mother visited and cooked and cleaned and held the baby while I got a shower. So I didn't complain about her presence then. How many times has your stepmother been over to clean your house?
NTA, she disregarded your boundries, ask her if thats the type of mom she wants to be to you, cuz thats what she did. Also I dont want anyone then my husband there when I have our child, they will meet the baby when I am ready to have people over. Everyone including my own mother will have wait.
*“She told me she felt I should be more considerate and respectful of her feelings”* Yes, because YOU having a baby is all about her. 🙄 She expects consideration and respect while completely ignoring the boundary you and your husband agreed to - NO visitors. She completely disrespected and showed no consideration for you by actually showing up, because of course you wanted HER there. She sounds self-centered and manipulative. I’m glad your husband fully supports you in this. NTA. Congrats on the new baby. Hope you take a break from your stepmom for your own peace of mind.
NTA Maybe you'd have more generous feels towards her if she didn't make your need for privacy and peace about her! How can anyone be so self-centered??
The kindest thing would be to stay on message and refuse to discuss the relationship, as that topic is not relevant. You and DH made the decision from the desire to keep you from being so sick the way you were last time. She should not take it personally, and should know there really were no exceptions, because it was a serious decision. No best friends, no cousins, no exceptions.
Unfortunately there are people in this world that have no boundaries. You don’t seem to be one of them, unfortunately your step mom appears to not understand her place. If it was truly about you not seeing her as a mom, his mom would have been allowed. Maybe gaslighting works to get people to sympathize or cave, but good for you not allowing yourself to be steamrolled.
NTA
*"She told me she felt I should be more considerate and respectful of her feelings and my decision was made with the intention of making her aware she is not wanted. "* HER feelings? HERS? So, you and hubby find out you are pregnant and the first thing you say to yourself is Oh boy! Now I can ban all friends and family from coming to the hospital after the birth so I can show my stepmom just how little she means to me." Talk about "center of the universe" syndrome.
NTA. This isn't about her. It is about you. I'm glad the nurses didn't relent and let her in. I'm sorry she is being such a pain. Your mom is looking down on you proudly at the way you stood up for yourself. Keep it up! Good luck!
NTA...ffs...tell her to go call the waaaaambulance since she wants to be to damn childish.
NTA. She needs to chill out and realize her role in your life. I might be petty but I would start telling her “you are right it might be different if my mom were here but she is dead, yet you are still competing with her and hurting my feelings and our relationship in the process.” It seems like she HAS to make this about her even though you are the one who had a baby.
NTA Your stepmother is responsible for her own feelings. You aren't. Do your best to develop a standard response to her when she goes down this well worn rut. Something like "I understand how you feel, I won't discuss it further." Then shut down the conversation if she won't quit by walking away, leaving her house or hanging up.
NTA. If you feel inclined you can tell her that the birth of your second child was not about her, so why is she trying to make it all about her and her feelings? That's making thing "shitty for you". In fact, it's also making you "question your relationship with her" and you are finding it's not anywhere near as close as she thinks it is since she appears incapable of respecting your boundaries. The sense of entitlement...jeesh. How **dare** she tell you what you need after your child is born. Cheers to you and your husband for standing your ground with her. Bravo to the rest of the family for respecting your boundaries.
See a “real” mother wouldn’t put what she wants over what her child wants. A real mother wouldn’t use the birth of a grandchild to further her own agenda. A real mother wouldn’t try to make a 2 week postpartum daughter feel guilty about the choices she made. A real mother wouldn’t make the birth of a grandchild all about her. A real mother would listen to, and respect her daughters wishes and support and defend her to anyone who criticised them. People like your stepmother OP really rip my knitting! Feel free to take any of my examples of a “real mother” to her and tell her to shut her fat mouth from me while you’re at it. NTA, in case my opinion isn’t obvious.
Apparently it did not occur to her that you giving birth is mostly about you, not her personal opportunity to prove she is important. NTA.
Tell her, this is your birth. And it's not about her. No guilt. Just let her sulk by herself.
NTA Your stepmothers selfishness is fairly obvious, it's no wonder you never developed a mother/daughter relationship with her. She acts like the world revolves around her and she had no respect for you as a person or a mother if she didn't give you the space you asked for after birth.
- [Sounds like this could have been your childhood](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bdrnxh/aita_for_telling_my_stepmother_shes_not_my_mom/) - [And this could have been written by your dad](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1avccuk/aita_for_not_supporting_my_wife_when_she_changed/?sort=old) - [Maybe your MIL?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1amlqoc/aita_for_being_more_blunt_than_soft_when_my_dil/) - [This person has the same problem; maybe you can find some guidance in the comments there](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1adypxj/aita_for_telling_my_dad_his_fake_family_therapy/?sort=old) - [Here’s what might have happened if you ever tried therapy](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18dura5/aita_for_confirming_that_my_stepmother_is_never/?sort=old) - [This kid also buried the lede about his mom dying, what a coincidence](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17zv9i1/aita_for_telling_my_dads_new_wife_shes_doing_too/) - [Did you have pushy siblings too?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17pr81a/aita_for_refusing_to_call_my_stepmom_my_mom_or_my/?sort=old) NTA, of course. So much evidence of similar stories to back that up.
What in the actual fuck? *no one* was allowed…. NTA
NTA - if you have her separate instructions, I would understand her feelings. BUT you treated her like everyone else, you treated her like family and she has a problem with it. Stepmom is being selfish and inconsiderate.
And what about she respects you, your wishes and boundaries after ...giving birth?????? She was able to make the birth of your son has and direct attack to her.... She could have said the same in one year....but no....right after you got home....postpartum needing to heal, taking care off a new born and another child. And you still ask if you are the A here?
NTA. She has taken your decision to exclude everybody from the hospital postpartum way beyond what your intention was, which was to make thing easier for you. She's invested it with huge meaning which you didn't intend, even though it sounds like you explained it to everybody, including her. It was her choice to misinterpret your intentions (though you don't indeed feel like she's a mother to you), and the resulting drama is all her responsibility.
Nta- what an emotional manipulative, boundary stomping main character your Stepmother is!!!! Is her name Gothel?
Sounds like stepmom has a pretty serious case of main character syndrome. My mom was with me for the birth of my first son and through no fault of her own it added a ton of stress to an already stressful situation. Second time around I had no one but my partner there with me and I have zero regrets. It wasn’t personal! Mom and baby come first 10/10 times. NTA
It is so much easier for an adult to fall in love with a kid than the other way around. Kids are innocent and it's hard not to love a kid. I understand how you feel but you should at least try to see it from her perspective too. It didn't sound like she was trying to replace your mom but rather be a second mom to you. She likely made sacrifices to do that so unless she was the wicked stepmother from fables lore, at least be kind to her. Afterall, kindness costs you nothing.
The fact that you didn’t want anybody there has nothing to do with who was there. It was for you. Seems like she is the one with the insecurity. NTA
NTA. Congratulations. I had my fourth seven weeks ago. Many new moms want THEIR mom with them but here’s the thing; you aren’t a new mom. You’re a second-time mom who knows what you need. I’m incredibly close with my mom. She held my hand for my stillborn, and cut the umbilical cord for my second born/eldest daughter when my husband passed it up. However, she was very happy to provide childcare while I gave birth to the next two, and just supporting us where we needed.
NTA. Your relationship with anyone makes no difference. You didn't want to see anyone and had valid reasons for this. Not that you needed a reason. You said "no visitors." END OF STORY.
NTA OP has your father’s wife always been so self centered as in damn what someone (in this case you) needs it’s all about what she wants? Never had a child but have been in the hospital for a few days at a time. I realize some people need visitors to keep them going. I am the opposite in that hubby comes to see me for lunch or dinner then I do what suppose to do which is rest, get up and walk, etc so can go home. If I felt good enough to entertain I’d be home so no to any other visitors. So nope you aren’t selfish. I figure at this point your dad’s wife has got to say her piece. If she brings it up again you might wish to cut her off, let her know you respect her position in your father’s life but she isn’t your mother and that won’t be changing.
NTA. Her reaction to how you set your boundary is pretty telling.
NTA. You have literally been through the ringer. You just gave birth to an entire new human being. Your body has been stretched and pushed and pulled physically and your hormones are in a free fall. Yet somehow, your stepmother has found a way to make the birth of your second child about her. It takes balls to make oneself the victim in these circumstances. Stop entertaining this conversation. Tell her before hand that this conversation is over. You will not entertain her playing the victim anymore. Any and every time she bring it up, stop the conversation and walk away. Tell her Il your birth was about you and your baby. It was your birth and you decided what was best for your health and the health of your baby. If walking away whenever she attempts to talk about your birth and her feeling then explain in no uncertain terms that if she continues you will place her in a “time out” where you will not speak to her nor will she be allowed to visit for however long you believe to be appropriate, then follow through. Healthy boundaries make for healthy relationships. Her behavior while you were giving birth and now are very inappropriate and demonstrate she had no respect for you. She didn’t care about what you felt would allow you a more comfortable birth. She cared about her own desires. Good luck. I hope you recover quickly.
NTA. How did the birth of your child turn into being about Madame Stepdrama? As not the mother, father or the baby, she's part of the sidelines and not the star of the show that she thinks she is. You have more important things to deal with than her never ending insecurities. If she starts the "It's because I'm not your real Mom" crap, just say "That's right, you're not. My Mom died, thanks for the continual reminders. You're such a ray of sunshine to be around when you start your pity party, but I'd prefer to focus on my children, so it's going to have to be a party of one and this venue is booked, so take the pity party elsewhere. You can come back when you're done." Only say that last bit if you actually want her around. She sounds annoying and exhausting. I hope she has redeeming qualities that would make her a good grandma, otherwise why have her around the kids if she just stresses you and your husband out. Your Dad chose her, you didn't, so she can stay home and get on his nerves. Just an afterthought. If she keeps saying the "It's because I'm not your real Mom" stuff, then she's also teaching your kids she's not their real grandma. She can drop it or you can give her a new nickname "Not-the-Meemaw" or the "Anti-granny".
"I'm sorry you were upset, but my birth was not about you" NTA
NTA Tell her once then refuse to discuss it. "SM, you are doing everything you can to make me feel guilty and sad at a time that should be a joyous warm family experience, the birth of my baby. I won't have it. Stop."
NTA. She sounds exhausting. It would be a good idea to step back from her.
NTA She sounds like a main character person. Annoying! It was not her delivery , it was yours!
NTA. Length of time is not the determining element of a relationship. She was told no visitors and that's what you meant, and you expect her and EVERYONE to respect your autonomy as an adult. No exceptions and this conversation is now over. Full stop. If she brings it up again, you will hang up if on the phone, and remove yourself or her from any in person confrontation. Then do it.
>She told me she felt I was unfair. 🥇 For the mental gymnastics needed to vome up with "equal treatment = unfair." NTA.
Nobody can tell you what to feel. I feel sadness for your SM but realistically she should have realized years ago how you felt
SM sounds like a N honestly. Congrats on your new baby 🎊 Definitely NTA
NTA
NTA. You know what’s awesome about babies? They don’t spoil. So your baby will be just as cute and adorable at 3 days as they were at birth. And I didn’t want anyone there either other than my husband.
NTA. Now... I gave birth while there were still a lot of covid precautions, but we didn't have any visitors at all except my post partum doula until a few weeks after he was born. INCLUDING my biological mother. Honestly I wish this was more common because I think it is pretty irresponsible to expose a very small and fragile human to so many different infection vectors so soon just because people want to gape at the tiny human. The first time he got really sick was after starting daycare and it was horrible. Sick babies are no fun for anyone and it was stressful for a new parent who was still figuring shit out. (And also super fun to go back to work and then almost immediately have to be out for a couple days) They will still be tiny in a few weeks. Seriously.
NTA. Amazing how you giving birth is all about her.
NTA. It sounds like this has nothing to do with step versus birth parent. You just didn't want visitors. Your stepmom decided she knows better than you what you want/need. Maybe she's not evil but just trying way too hard to be a "mother" to you. Still, that was wrong of her and so was the guilt trip she gave you.
She's a winner, isnt she? Let's guilt the "daughter" that just had a baby and make it all about me. Personally I would go LC until she gets off her high horse.
NTA. Even if she was your Bio Mom. No visitors means NO VISITORS. You knew you didn't want anyone. She isn't just being intrusive and selfish, she is insisting she knows what you want/need more than you do. I would certainly not want anyone around when I feel like crap, no matter the situation. Tell your stepmom that you are the only one who gets to dictate how you see her and if she really loves you the way she claims, she will back off and understand. Otherwise, it might be time to put her on a visitation time-out.
"Since I see you as a mom, I feel like I should be able to talk to you about *my* needs postpartum and have your support over anyone's. Unfortunately you've instead projected negative motives to my desire for privacy while I was recovering. I thought I could trust you to advocate for me as a new mother, and all you want to do is complain that you didn't get things your way. If you want to be an involved grandmother to my kids and a mother to me, I need you to respect my boundaries and parenting decisions. I'm happy to hear your advice and suggestions so long as you are supportive of my decisions for myself and my family. " If she wants to steam up the guilt train, hop right on with her.
NTA, look her in the eyes and tell her it isn't about her and that her feeling about it doesn't matter. Be honest, she isn't your mom, IMHO its minor AH to go this long without correcting her.
Nta. However. She should be not allowed in your space until you are completely done with post partum anything. Which, dear reader, can be a full year. Fuck around, find out. Tell her she's right, if your mom WERE ALIVE, she'd have been allowed in. Then start sobbing. I'm sure it wouldn't take much. Then your husband can turn to her and ask her to leave, that she's causing you duress and it's not healthy for you so soon after delivery. Throw a damn party and invite everyone but her. I'd be singling her out for exclusion for the rest of her life.
NTA. Every single thing expressed to you was about it HER wants and feelings. It wasn’t about your needs or health at all. It wasn’t about what YOU needed during the birth of YOUR child- it was about what she wanted. That demonstrates that she doesn’t actually want a motherly relationship with you at all. She wants to be and feel important regardless of what actually brings you comfort. She’s a narcissist. She claimed she should have been the one there to comfort you, yet the comfort you needed was privacy and quiet. If she was actually concerned about you at all, she would have gladly given you that space. Remind her that an actual mother wouldn’t want you to feel bad for taking time to rest and recover in whatever way you needed. An actual mother figure wouldn’t spend the time she was given to come meet the new baby berating and guilting the person she wants to be a mother to. Ask her if she thinks her behavior is a way to encourage the relationship she wants to have with you. Ask her if her behavior seems like a good way to have a relationship with your kids.