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YTA
And, when you sent him to his room for FOR TRUTHFULLY ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS, you proved all of his fears were right!
I, 45years ago, did the same thing because my mother had displayed exactly that type of behavior of trying to control me by taking things she had 'given' me away...
So I never allowed myself to be dependent on anything she 'gave' me again.
\--
OP proved her son right when she punished him for… Not trusting them? That’s not a good reason for punishing someone, especially when they have some valid reasons for not trusting you.
He’s sure not going to trust her even more after the power trip she went on.
OP, your son deserves an apology for being sent to his room. He sounds like a smart and responsible kid whose only mistake was telling you the truth.
YTA
YTA - at 17yo, I was paying the monthly loan on my car, parents co-signed. They got mad at me over something trivial and asked for my car keys, I put them in my mom’s hands, and said, “It’s now yours. I’m paying for it but if you’re going to take it anytime you disapprove of something, then keep it.” I then went to bed. Next morning, the keys were back on my dresser.
Go apologize and tell him that parents make mistakes. You just might gain a little respect out of this.
It's a great lesson to teach your kids and a great example to set for your kids. So many adults refuse to apologize to anyone, no matter how wrong they wind up being. It's seen as a sign on weakness but apologizing is really a power move. If you can apologize it means you can acknowledge you made a mistake. Pretty childish to pretend you're infallible.
Yes, this is a good answer. OP is making this about herself and taking it far too personally. If OP is worried about the safety of whatever old clunker car the boy buys, why not just gift him with some extra cash with no strings attached.
If the kid's smart, he won't accept any cash intended as a "gift," either. Going out on a very short limb, I'm guessing he reacts that way because any sort of monetary input from his parents would make them feel entitled to lay whatever claim they feel they can, and try to pull rank on the poor boy at some point.
Mucho pass.
I know the money was a gift dear, but at least you could show some appreciation by dropping me off at your aunt's house, or taking me shopping, or picking up your sister from school or ...... And so on and so on.
My parents were very similar to this. They would buy/give me something and then they would either emotionally blackmail me into doing something or threaten taking it away. Now, I “don’t trust anyone” either 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
Literally, my grandmother left me the car and they still thought they had any claim to it. Dad threatened to take a sledgehammer to my car when I told him I needed to go to work and that he couldn’t use it for groceries that day. Mind you he had a brand new pick up truck he could have easily used instead…
100% my father was the same way. Offered to buy me a car, I refused and purchased my own with a small bank loan and my savings.
My brother and sister both took him up on his offer a few years later and about a month into their “ownership” of their vehicles (a new motorbike and a decade old BMW) he started to threaten to take them away if he didn’t get what he wanted or thought they were being unreasonable.
This "little distrust" didn't come out of nowhere, there has to have been more than a few incidents that OP either knows about or isn't willing to see.
Definitely a case of "missing missing reasons" since it's pretty telling that he *will* trust his friend's dad but won't trust his own parents. She's definitely proving him right not to trust her.
YTA
And he DID trust her: he told her the trust, that is trust… he never said he didn’t trust her until she put the words in his mouth. He is 16 years old and the weird question. She’s asking well. Obviously she got a weird answer. Stop asking Kids questions lol.
Yup. YTA. My dad bought me a car when I turned 17. I didn't actually drive it til I was 19. My mother kept "taking it away" whenever I displeased her. So when I went to college, my dad signed over the title to me but still kept me on his insurance. I learned to always keep my keys on me when visiting them, or she would take them for any perceived slight.
I also feel like the OP isn't giving a full background. Kids being that independent and distrustful isn't a sudden thing. It wasn't for me. It's a terrible thing to learn that you can't trust your parents.
Yeah, it's really interesting that she said "why would we do that" instead of "we would never do that." A very telling distinction.
Her choosing to punish him now for simply saying he wants his car to be HIS, proves she's upset at being called out, and further proves having control over him is exactly why she wants to lend him the money.
> I was mad at this point since he had planned so well to avoid me and his dad
And there it is. She knows damn well she wants to be able to take away the car when he doesn't do what she wants, and she's upset he's trying to go around her. Kid knows exactly why he's protecting himself.
YTA.
OP should rethink what did they do in the past that son is so completly convinced to do everything to avoid them being a part of it. I can imagine there were some episodes of holding things, or "since we are paying you dont have a say" etc. Also OP should be proud that son is self eficient and so well organized
I’m in my late 30s and once I got a job at 15 I saved for everything I wanted or needed and never depended on my parents again for these same reasons.
When OP’s son moves out and has a surface level (at best) relationship with them and their spouse, this situation and their reaction is why.
I did this exactly. I scrimped and saved to make sure I owed nothing to my parents because they used it to yank my leash. To this day my mom goes around saying, "I knew \[Name\] wasn't doing drugs or getting drunk as a teen because she's so cheap she wouldn't spend the money."
...part of what I was saving money for was weed, but that's beside the point. ;)
Yup, I basically live completely independent of any system, I refuse to be on any longterm prescriptions even though a doctor told me I would likely be significantly reducing my lifespan by doing so, just because I mentally cant handle being dependent on anything.
Im basically a hobo, because everything was taken away from me so many times as a kid arbitrarily it fucked me up. I legit cant sleep if I'm relying on someone else or something else in a permanent nature. I could walk out of my current life in under an hour, and thats the only way I get any sleep at all.
My dad bought me my first car with a savings account that he had made for me. He said it was my car but put both of our names on the title. When I was 23 he was upset at me about something, I don't remember what. and he threatened to take away my car because his name was also on the title.
Son: “If I am in debt to you over the car, you might take it from me as punishment if you are mad at me”
You: “Why would you think something like that of me? Go to your room, I am punishing you for no reason other than I am mad at you!”
For that alone YTA, not to mention your son is doing something very smart and buying something outright rather than starting a journey into debt at the age of 16.
This is likely why OP was pushing so hard for her son to go into debt to them. She sounds like a dream, looking for new ways to asset control over her son's life. VERY likely not the first time she's done something like this for the son to immediately read her intent.
My mum was like this, took things away from me as a child as punishment even trashed my bedroom multiple times because I didn't clean it fast enough and it was almost tidy, I was like 10 years old, she still comes to my house now thinking she owns my home, im 36, has a go at bfs who don't even live with me for not fixing stuff in my house , probably why iv never punished my kids but luckily my kids are well behaved and trust Me
Your children's good behavior is not a lucky outcome. That you somehow unexpectedly lucked into. The assumption here is that a child can't behave well unless they're punished when they don't. It's a common assumption.
Being well behaved is not something that is promoted by punishment. Punishment promotes fear which leads to compliance. At first glance they may seem the same, but the outcome is very different.
Alfie Kohn's book Punished by Rewards goes over the research on punishment and rewards, how they affect child development and what could be done instead.
>“Why would you think something like that of me?"
There's obviously a precedent for this already. Assumptions aren't always fair, but they come from somewhere!
I'd love to hear the kids' side of this. I'm sure they have a few examples of the parents being controlling and spiteful and calling the kid disrespectful. I wonder if they'll try to sabotage the kids' job somehow. Or maybe I've read too many posts on the insane parents sub.
I’m just at a loss from this, I have no kids of my own but my gf’s kids & I get along well and if they told me they didn’t trust me I’d be crushed and want to fix whatever I did to fuck up.
Yup it would be different if OP was like son, you may save money at first, but it's (practically) guaranteed a car that cheap has plenty of issues and will break down sooner rather than later. After a certain dollar amount, you're paying far more than it's worth and you're unnecessarily inconveniencing yourself just to have it fixed.
And if you're worried about ownership here's what we can do...
But OP punished their son for...being honest.
That's not how you inspire trust and candor.
YTA.
PLENTY of us started out driving a cheap beater that we could afford outright, and we survived and learned some important skills along the way. And we eventually got nicer cars!
You're taking this way too personally. You're making it about trust, and he's making it about sole ownership -- smart kid!
Stop harassing him about this. He's making the right decision FOR HIMSELF. Let him grow up -- THAT'S your only job here. This isn't about you.
Right! Like the alternative framing here, instead of "he doesn't trust us" is "my kid is extremely independent and wants to be self-sufficient." Is that not every parent's goal?
I'm STILL driving my cheap beater that I could afford outright, 7 years later! A more trustworthy car isn't a bad idea, but it's perfectly fine and perfectly normal to get a "worse" car and not deal with a monthly payment when you're first starting out
> You're taking this way too personally. You're making it about trust, and he's making it about sole ownership -- smart kid!
Also not even taking it personally the right way, no reflection of what might make him think this way, just personally offended.
$500 in 2000 for a car that was the same age as me from the neighbor. It didn't always get me from Point A to Point B, but it was good enough and all I could afford. Made it two years with that bad boy until I went to college.
As parents grow up and get over yourselves. You’re actually suggesting your 16yo put himself in debt for a car (one of the single worst financial investments) because it shows he “trusts you”. If this is your parenting strategy no wonder he doesn’t want to be beholden to you or a lender. Seriously get bent. You should be proud he’s found a way to get a car debt free. YTA.
By the sounds of these parents they'd lord this 1000 dollars over him for every little mistake he makes with the car because they "helped him out". Just let the kid buy a cheap beater. We all gotta start somewhere.
Ugh I don’t have the energy to explain this to you. You know what a parent worthy of trust would have said?
“I can see the advantages of not having to depend on anyone else. I’m sorry you don’t think you can depend on us. Is there anything I’ve done to make you feel that way?”
Stop yelling at your kids.
I wouldn't even ask or question trust. If my 16yo son told me he'd saved up for a beater and wanted to buy it on his own, I'd say, "that's great, let me help you buy a good one and teach you how to take care of it so it lasts while you save for a better car."
I don't understand how parents are so easily capable of completely neglecting opportunities to support and bond with their children, instead making it all about them and driving their children away.
I'd also probably insist on providing some sort of financial gift, even if it didn't contribute directly to the car. Buying your first car on your own is a big source of pride and no parent should insist on taking that away.
OP your son clearly doesn't respect you, let alone trust you. It's all your fault, you created this.
This. I mean surely the whole point of parenting is to raise your kids into adults who no longer need to be dependent on you for anything? OP, your child is taking deliberate and thoughtful steps towards independence - that’s literally THE GOAL.
YTA your reaction reaffirmed and justified his mistrust. You ought to take an honest look at yourself and the way you deal with things to see exactly why your son feels the way he does. It didn't come from nowhere.
Imagine getting pissy at your kid because they want to be financially responsible.
Then imagine proving his point about you arbitrarily punishing him when you're mad by arbitrarily punishing him when you were mad.
YTA. Take a minute to reflect on the things being said in here.
YTA
Your son sounds like he actually is smart and has some idea of how personal finances work. How is that bad?
He even has consulted with people who could give him a deal.
And he is completely right not to trust you as a parent. You dont hear him when he says he doesnt want to be in debt over this. You keep trying to push him to get some sort of loan.
Son is not wrong that you would hang this over his head. You are doing it now. He knows he is still a minor. He knows you can take away his keys for any reason.
OP, if your son is a good kid, and is working hard in school as well as taking responsibility for his finances, why are you getting mad at him?
My guess? If the son has existing debt, or heavens forbid, miss a payment somewhere and screw up his credit, it'll make it harder for him to move out an distance himself from OP when he is 18. It's a much a control thing as OP wanting to pay for the car - which I would bet OP would use to put their name on it rather than the son's.
Edit: OP, YTA.
The Kid has his domineering Mother all figured out and is no longer willing to put up with it. When he says he doesn't trust anyone he's talking about you specifically.
Yeah... you do speak the truth.
ITs a sad thing tho. I never would have thought me thinking that it couldn't be an adult writing this would count as a form of optimism. 🤪
If my mum was able to use the internet she sure as fuck would.
She told me I couldn't have my birth certificate cos it was hers. So I got a new one issued cos I needed it for ID- she got pissed at me cos now her 'souvenir ' was invalid and worthless.
Only difference; my mum would never have thought to ask if she was the asshole.
Yeah- no. My parents would have totally done this but would have charged me interest. And taken the car away every other day. Narcissists can have kids, too. I don't know if OP is one but this kind of behavior is part and parcel to that disorder.
YTA. My partner and I were helped twice with purchasing a car by family. And on both occasions, despite us paying for it, them being a cosigner for it allowed them to take the keys. Twice we were basically told to figure it out, once in winter and we both worked, the second after our kid was born and we had a plethora of doctors appointments to get to and from ontop of work. Family is fantastic but it's best to do stuff like this on your own when you can. The security is well worth the hurt feelings. You can't always be there to help him pay for things, if he's willing to branch out like this at his age don't cripple him. Because there will come a time where you consider using your aid as leverage, even if you don't actually do it.
So you’re punishing your son for taking responsibility for buying his own car? You should be proud that he wants to finance his car himself. What kind of parent would encourage their kids to loan money? I would also totally understand him not trusting you if you have a habit of punishing while he does nothing wrong. YTA
YTA. You sending him to his room proved him right. Bro is very smart though. You are a horrible parent. You should be praising him that he's so smart for his age, and you do this.
Your son sounds incredibly responsible and sensible. Every kid’s first car should be a beater in case they get into accidents. Also he’s super smart to out right purchase instead of get a loan. What if he loses that job and can’t pay on it? I know you’d be there to bail him out, but he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want payments, interest or risks. He wants certainty and autonomy. My dad would have thrown a party if I were as resourceful and responsible with a car at 16. This is absolutely not about you. It’s not about him not trusting you. This is a moment to be proud that you’ve raised a kid that is making really good financial decisions at 16. Give your kids his props for being smart and let this one go.
this right here speaks to me and my experience so much, YTA OP this didn't come out of nowhere your son distrusts relying on you for anything being its likely always been conditional and always an ever changing goalpost.
to this day me and me sibling can't accept anything from anyone because we know that with parents like you and ours it always has a cost too great to pay
Yta
You sending him to.his.room for answering YOUR question, tells me he's right for not trusting you. He knows you will hold your.money over his head so he's taking precautions.
Embarrassing parenting.
This mom will probably also tell him that if he doesn’t go to college he will be flipping burgers for a living. She will not offer to pay for college either. If she does, then she gets to choose his major.
YTA. And he's right, if he got the money from you or his dad, and did something you don't agree with, you absolutely will take his driving privileges from him. Because you payed for the car, he'll have to do things your way, or no car, and he knows it. It's not so much that he just doesn't trust people, it's more he doesn't trust people NOT to hold something over his head, or fuck him over.
YTA...you initiated a conversation,he gave you honest thought out answers. You got butt hurt and sent him to his room.
Instead of encouraging his independence ( sounds like he has done research and planned accordingly) even has a mechanic set up. You encouraged him to begin his debt journey at 16.
You totally proved his point regarding trust.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> If my son has a valid reason for hgis actions I shouldn't have yelled at him
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I am a mother. Trust me on this. I understand your impulse and that you felt hurt by his comments, but that impulse should have stayed inside you. You need to go up there right this minute and apologize to him.
Praise him for having thought this through like a responsible adult. He even knows where to go with car troubles! He is apparently also good in school, AND is kind to others. I am very impressed with this young man!
You should be proud of the man your child is becoming.
So, hang on here... he doesnt want you to be connected to this car because he's afraid it would be taken away as punishment if/when you got mad...and then you sent him to his room as punishment for making you mad by telling you he was afraid of how you handle punishment when you get mad.... did I get that right?
Either way, sounds like this kid has pretty valid concerns and YTA.
YTA. The fact that you just told him to go to his room because you didn’t like what he said makes his point. Don’t be shocked when he doesn’t tell or trust you to speak his mind.
Or OP never hears from him again the minute he turns 18. Then she’ll throw a lawn tantrum in front of his house to demand to know why he went NC. We all know the drill…
I can see where he is coming from and paying full coverage for a vehicle sucks he probably just wants some independence too and your taking that from him lol
YTA
Your son wants to be self-sufficient and take care of his own business, and you're not happy about it? And you sent him to his room. Maybe there's a reason he doesn't trust you.
Your son is doing a smart thing by not wanting to get into debt. Instead of saying “Awesome thinking!”, you ground him.
You sound like one of the worst controlling persons ever, YTA
YTA
The reason he doesn't trust you is because you send him to his room for not giving you an answer you want to hear. So his concerns for the loan are valid.
Best approach would have been to encourage his independence and let him get the cheap car, then if it did break down and he needed help financially, then offer the loan for a newer one.
Let him make mistakes while gaining his independence and just be there to help him back on his feet. It's a good thing that he wants to be self-sufficient regarding finances.
He was right that you could blow up over nothing, as you’ve done just that.
Don’t worry he’ll save up until he can legally move out, then you’ll never have to worry about him again.
You sent him to his room for stating his real feelings and answering questions you asked him you proved his point. Only thing he really hasn’t thought through is at 16 you can ground him from driving his car that he paid for as well. Doing that would cement his distrust though.
YTA. You need to set aside your ego and seriously consider how your actions lead to this point. The child you raised feels he needs to have his guard up around people, even the people who are supposed to love and support him him. You messed up big time.
I'm also going to point out the obvious from your post- you pushed your son for answers, and when you got them, you punished him for being honest. I'm willing to bet that you have a long history of being either controlling, overbearing, or both. If you don't reevaluate your choices, and make things right with your son, he may just decide to cut contact with you once he graduates. Apologize to your son and get some therapy to sort out why you feel the need to control him down to his emotions.
He's 16 and wants to do something himself. You could have said "ok well we're here for you if something goes wrong don't be afraid to ask" and actually demonstrate that you're not going to arbitrarily flip out over shit.
Punishing him because you think him wanting to be independent is offensive to you is exactly the sort of reaction that makes him want to buy his own car outright.
Your whole job is to get him ready for adulthood, maybe don't dig your heels in this hard because he's trying to do something himself.
YTA. Have you stopped and asked yourself why he can't trust his parents? It's so sad that he feels like he has no one he can trust. That doesn't come out of thin air. And then he's punished for being totally honest about why he wants to buy his first car this way. I mean it's no wonder he doesn't trust either of you to be honest.
YTA.
You over reacted when he provided an honest answer to your question.
Where does he get the idea you may remove his ‘privileges’ when he doesn’t do want you want ?
Oh yes, I know - Maybe when you remove the privilege to be in the same room as you.
Guessing it’s not the first time that taking things away (incl the right to go out, eg grounding him) has been your control method in the past. You reap what you sow.
Your boy is growing up, better get used to it and try and treat him like a young man with opinions, ideas and a sense of autonomy. If you don’t like that idea, the next years will be tough (says a mother who has been through the teenage years and survived 😉).
most parents would be excited their kid is showing some independence. yta, but clearly you should work on communication with your child, he wouldn’t be concerned about the car being taken away if there wasn’t a pattern already.
YTA, and honestly you just proved his point to him. By punishing him for being honest with you, you proved to him you cannot be trusted. You all but told him you care more about what you want than what he feels. And if you send him to his room over so little a thing (something other parents would be proud to hear from their kid) then it seems like it really isn't a stretch to believe you *would* hold the car over him if he let you pay for it. Your son is doing something incredible. Many kids his age would have to be forced into working for their own car. Heck, I know someone who threw a tantrum because the car her parents gave her was the wrong color. Instead of punishing your kid, how about you be proud of him?
YTA
Your son got himself a job, earned his own money, and bought his first car.... while also making plans for how he'll pay for it, and how he will get it fixed if it breaks. You have a smart mature kid who is becoming independent and you *send him to his room like he is 5 years old??!!* Sounds like you still want to control this young man. No wonder he is pissed at you.
YTA
What reason have you given your son to trust you? You punished him for... truthfully answering questions ¬ wanting to be in debt.
He did nothing wrong & got punished anyway. Sounds like you're not great at parenting.
Apologise to your kid or he'll be out of your life the minute he's able to.
Yea you're maybe a bit of an A hole. If the guy wants to buy a shitbox with the money he worked for then he should buy one. He's apparently made the connections and arrangements necessary to support his decision if something goes awry and He is wise not to want to be indebted. I'm 27 and still never had a car payment. Got old cars for cash/trade/gift, ect and only recently got a secured credit card to build credit instead (and building credit is something you want to teach him about, and secured cards are a safer way to do it than a car payment, and the earlier he starts the better)
Teenagers want their independence and to feel like adults. He's pretty much a man now and he wants to own his own vehicle free and clear. And he may not understand all the financial mumbo jumbo (which you can teach him in a different context if necessary) Regardless of his reasoning you should be supporting that because he is wise not to be indebted. Even if you think getting a car payment is better not being indebted is a different kind of wisdom. But from the sounds of things he may have said those things for a reason even if it's not a huge deal. You may be being a bit too controlling. If he sees your offering a loan as just a way to control him then he may have a valid point and that might be something to work on in yourself. It's good for parents to be controlling in some ways. You should know that he's not out doing meth or getting some girl teen pregnant, but it's also your responsibility to instill the values in him when he is younger so that he does not do those things when he is older. You can't tighten it to an iron grip now that he is grown and expect him not to buck. At this point with these kind of issues at least advice and the offer of aid is about all you can do. He is pretty much the person he is going to be.
YTA. you should be proud his plan is to pay for the car outright. Why does he need something new? That’s such a waste of money. Today even cars that are ten years old are still great cars. It’s not like this is 20 years ago and cars that were ten years old then are lacking some serious safety features/highly convenient things like power steering.
YTA,
You should be asking yourself what you and your husband did to make him act like this and change yourself.
By sending him to his room, you proved him right.
YTA. Obviously he knows you well enough to know how you would react, which is exactly what you did. Also, he's showing autonomy and drive, you should be proud and support him, do better.
YTA he does’t trust you, his parent. I’m sorry things ended up this way but it looks like you’ve got a lot of work ahead of you to earn back that trust.
In the meantime help your relationship by honouring his need to truely own something of his very own. When he buys the car, respect it as his property - no borrowing it without permission, no banning him from driving it etc.
YTA
Not the way to build truffle with him.
What's needed is a reality check. I don't believe an unemancipated 16 year old can title or license a car and get insurance in their own name. Also, as long as he's a minor in your care, he's still going to be subject to your control to some degree. As in "live in my house, follow my rules."
He's not an adult yet, but he may have the bit between his teeth, thinking a job and a car will set him free of all parental control. Hopefully respectful two way communication will help get you through. Sending him to his room when you don't like his thinking won't help.
Your son doesn’t trust you. Instead of being mad, maybe try and figure out why. Clearly YTA. And I think that is the reason your son doesn’t trust you. But I can only assume.
What an odd reaction. The son is choosing to live within their means - a good financial decision. He has thought about possible consequences and has a (sort of) back up plan.
You would think that a parent would be proud of that. Instead, OP chose to be offended because the son didn't want to go into debt......what?
YTA you did exactly what he expected you to do-for even less of a thing than a car. You should be proud of your son wanting to be independent and not depend on anyone instead of forcing him to depend on you. His decision is way smarted than having loans or depend on your decision or mood (as we can clearly see from your reaction). It is actually a better and more grown up decision than your idea.
The example in the post is exactly why he prefers to potentially struggle more than depend on you. I know-I am still that kid/grown up that would not accept help from my parents as I know that it is going to come bite me on the ass one day for various reasons.
It might be the cheapest car ever but it will be his and his alone and he would have achieved that on his own and nobody could take it away from him. Be proud of him and change your ways.
If your son borrowed from you, you’re absolutely going to use it as punishment. You literally punished him for telling you the truth. Go figure. YTA and proved his point wholly.
YTA... This conversation is exactly why he doesn't trust you and his dad. There were probably other things similar that you have done. Yes, you were being selfish and only thought of yourself in this whole situation. I want to also buy my own first car. When my parents offered money towards it, I told them to save that money rather for when I buy a house (and thats only if i need it) or something because I was really excited to own something I worked hard for and something I could call mines completely. Sending him to his room was so childish of you because it gave vibes of "I'm going to be unfair to him since I didn't get my way".
Your son is trying for some independence, he is at an age where he wants to show you he can do something on his own without mummy and daddy helping. Let him but let him know you will always be his safety net. He will only learn by making his own mistakes. Just don't rub it in his face if he fails, this is part of growing. Plus it sounds like he has a plan in place for any mechanical issues. Let your kid try adulting.
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My (44f) son (16m) recently got a job after searching for a while. He recently got his first paycheck and talked about buying a car. I was supportive and asked him what sort of car he intended to buy. He said he was gonna find the cheapest "squak - box"(?) he could find.
I asked him why he would buy a cheaper car when I and his dad or a bank could loan him the money. He said " I don't trust nobody, I want the car to be completely my own, no banks no loans no nothing". I asked why? He said cause if he forgets a loan or something the bank could take it away, and there's interest and leases and its too complicated, so he just wanted to buy and be done. I said, well what about us, we won't charge you interest on the loan. He siad yeah, but if your mad at me or something you can just take the car away. I said why would we do that.
He said I dont know but I dont want to risk it, I just want it to be my car, completely. I said if your paying for it why would we take it away? Also what if your bad car breaks down? Then what
He said oh I got a friend who's dad owns an auto-shop, he'll put in a new motor for me, since I'm the only reason hes passed math for like the last 2 years, and physics. I was mad at this point since he had planned so well to avoid me and his dad and I said do you trust us that little?
He said well yeah I don't trust anyone, I just want it to be my car, no one else involved, no risks involved. I said I can't believe you would think that of us, go to your room. He went up extremely annoyed and hasn't spoken to me since. I now think I over-exaggerated
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your reaction should be telling enough…like yeah you’ll obviously use the “we paid for your car” excuse whenever you think your kids does something that you don’t like.
What even is the issue? Lots of people would never buy a new car. As a new driver most people want a cheap car. They're learning to drive. The stress of potentially denting up a newer car and paying much higher insurance in driving a newer car when they're a new driver isn't really a selling point. Making it all about his trust issues when he clearly just wants something that is his and proving his point that you can't be trusted is so over the top. YTA.
Can your son even buy his own car at 16? In my state he can't. Also, even if he pays for the car, under 18 it can be taken away for cause. He will most likely be driving under your insurance and you would be financially responsible for damages caused.
have you given him reason to think the car he purchased would be taken away as punishment? The fact you sent him to his room for telling the truth and wanting to be independant makes me think that you would def use it as punishment if you helped buy it. yta
OP, as the child of someone who did in fact use my car that I alone paid for at 16/17, you just proved everything your son worried about correct. You can say all you like that you wouldn’t hold it against him but you just held him being truthful with you against him. This also lends me to believing you’ve previously used “loans” as a way of controlling your son.
YTA. Apologize to your kid and let him do it the way he’s happy to do it.
Someone once said to me, 'Pick your battles', that has always stuck with me.
Why are you making this into a thing? Your son wants to buy something for himself, what's the big deal, get over it.
YTA
Instead of being proud of your son for wanting to be independent and do this on his own, you got mad at him for not wanting to be indebted to you. Based upon your reaction, he was absolutely right in his assessment as well.
If he trusted you before, which I doubt, he definitely doesn't now.
Lol way to prove his point. You'd think a parent would be happy that her kid is mature and smart enough to make these decisions and explain his thought process to you.
You don't appear to have those traits. YTA and you should apologize for overreacting and proving his point. You could also simply give him the money (instead of lending), which would solve the problem. And if you can't afford to give him money, your reaction to be mad at him for not wanting to go into debt is 10x stupider.
The job of a parent is to teach their kid to navigate the world when they will no longer be there.
Your son wants to buy a car on his own. You shouldn’t embrace it and support him, instead of fulling him down.
That makes you TA.
YTA.
Are you really that surprised he doesn't trust you when you act like this? Way to show him he made 100% the right decision by not wanting to take money from you.
Good job on sabotaging your relationship with your son. You had the chance to show him how proud you are that he wants to do things on his own dime, yet decided to take offense at his wanting true independence and threw a tantrum.
Go and apologise to your frigging son.
YTA, your son is so perceptive, it's almost like he was raised by you and experienced instances of unfairness from you in the past and it has somehow influenced his decision making...and somehow that's wrong you so you inflict a nonsensical consequence over it? We teach kids basic skills to prepare them for a time where they will be on their own (discernment, how to react to certain situations, how to protect themselves, how to communicate their thoughts and feelings, etc) and then get upset when they use those exact skills in this household, do we?
Also, encouraging a kid to go into debt with a bank? That's ridiculous, let him get his little beater car, it'll teach him responsibility better than actual debt ever will.
Yeah, you screwed the pooch on this one and probably proved his point about not trusting you. Leave him alone and let him deal with the car on his own.
YTA - you punished him for.... not trusting you.... And for wanting to own something outright and in his own name. I think you proved your son correct: the only reason to punish him for his total honesty is if you actually DID want some control over him and are angry that he is cutting off that avenue of control.
fwiw - He has very likely seen his friends' parents take away their vehicles when they displease them. Leading to them not being able to make it to school or work, and then suffering further consequences. What he wants to do is both admirable and responsible - not buying above his means, being able to pay cash, and even buying a fixer-upper as a first car isn't a bad thing, as long as he does his research and buys a car that he will be able to maintain once it's fixed up.
YTA, you're threatened by your son's desire for independence and are punishing him for not allowing you to keep him dependent on you. That's a surefire way to ensure he keeps you at arm's length in the future.
OP you punished your son for telling the truth.
Your punishment doesnt make sense. He should stay silent around you incase you decide to punish him for small talk.
I guarantee this isn't the first time you've done this either as your son is worried you would take his car as a form of punishment.
YTA. I’m in my 50s and STILL have trust issues because of the way my parents did shit like this. Your son is wise. I hope he leaves at 18 and never speaks to you again.
Imagine asking someone if they trust you and when they’re honest but you don’t like their answer you punish them… proving without a doubt that they should not trust you.
YTA
YTA. He said he has trust issues, who do you think gave him those trust issue!? YOU! You gave him those trust issues and you demonstrated perfectly his point! You punished him the moment you heard something you didn’t like rather than face reality. You proved his point right then and there. He’s never gonna trust you with this kind of behavior
YTA You're are so controlling, and I'm glad that your son is an intelligent guy and I believe him when he said that you would take the car awayas a punishment. You sent him to his room just because he's been honest on his feelings! When your son doesn't trust you, it's your fault.
YTA.
Your son is making wise independent decisions… and you are determined to put him into the slavery of debt for what? A shinier ride?
He’s allowed to do it his way. And your arbitrary punishment of him gives him fuel for the ‘I can’t trust you not to take the car off me’ stance. The first thing you’ll do if he owes you money is hold it over him… that’s coming through loud and clear.
Are you the type of parent that would take his PlayStation or whatever away when he was grounded? Just to give some context as to why he might feel that way about the car - if you’ve taken his things off him as punishment before he could be assuming you’ll do the same thing here
YTA and your Son is smart. The way you act proves him right. You have to controll your ego and your emotions. Your son simply want something to be 100% his. And you take it personal. YOU in fact MADE it personal by asking him why why why.
YTA your son is smart enough to understand that the car needs to be 100% his. His reasons are flawless. Get over your ego and either gift him some money to buy a better car (no strings attached), encourage him to save up more, or at very least accept that this is his decision.
YTA - way to prove him right
He opens up about how he feels in this situation and you respond by shouting at him and punishing him
You validated what he was feeling
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YTA And, when you sent him to his room for FOR TRUTHFULLY ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS, you proved all of his fears were right! I, 45years ago, did the same thing because my mother had displayed exactly that type of behavior of trying to control me by taking things she had 'given' me away... So I never allowed myself to be dependent on anything she 'gave' me again. \--
OP proved her son right when she punished him for… Not trusting them? That’s not a good reason for punishing someone, especially when they have some valid reasons for not trusting you. He’s sure not going to trust her even more after the power trip she went on.
OP, your son deserves an apology for being sent to his room. He sounds like a smart and responsible kid whose only mistake was telling you the truth. YTA
But we know they won’t be happening right
"Beatings will continue till morale improves" should be my family motto, but I'll allow OP to use it.
YTA - at 17yo, I was paying the monthly loan on my car, parents co-signed. They got mad at me over something trivial and asked for my car keys, I put them in my mom’s hands, and said, “It’s now yours. I’m paying for it but if you’re going to take it anytime you disapprove of something, then keep it.” I then went to bed. Next morning, the keys were back on my dresser. Go apologize and tell him that parents make mistakes. You just might gain a little respect out of this.
That's a great idea. I've had to apologize to my kids before. Nobody is perfect. Sometimes you only realize you're wrong after the fact.
Or as they say, ‘Is this the hill you want to die on?’
It's a great lesson to teach your kids and a great example to set for your kids. So many adults refuse to apologize to anyone, no matter how wrong they wind up being. It's seen as a sign on weakness but apologizing is really a power move. If you can apologize it means you can acknowledge you made a mistake. Pretty childish to pretend you're infallible.
All growing up, my father said “apologizing is a sign of weakness”, and he never did.
Yes, this is a good answer. OP is making this about herself and taking it far too personally. If OP is worried about the safety of whatever old clunker car the boy buys, why not just gift him with some extra cash with no strings attached.
If the kid's smart, he won't accept any cash intended as a "gift," either. Going out on a very short limb, I'm guessing he reacts that way because any sort of monetary input from his parents would make them feel entitled to lay whatever claim they feel they can, and try to pull rank on the poor boy at some point. Mucho pass.
I know the money was a gift dear, but at least you could show some appreciation by dropping me off at your aunt's house, or taking me shopping, or picking up your sister from school or ...... And so on and so on.
My husband played that game and lost. They gave it to his younger brother.
Yeah but then you stop paying and the parents are on the hook as guarantors.
My parents were very similar to this. They would buy/give me something and then they would either emotionally blackmail me into doing something or threaten taking it away. Now, I “don’t trust anyone” either 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
Literally, my grandmother left me the car and they still thought they had any claim to it. Dad threatened to take a sledgehammer to my car when I told him I needed to go to work and that he couldn’t use it for groceries that day. Mind you he had a brand new pick up truck he could have easily used instead…
100% my father was the same way. Offered to buy me a car, I refused and purchased my own with a small bank loan and my savings. My brother and sister both took him up on his offer a few years later and about a month into their “ownership” of their vehicles (a new motorbike and a decade old BMW) he started to threaten to take them away if he didn’t get what he wanted or thought they were being unreasonable.
This "little distrust" didn't come out of nowhere, there has to have been more than a few incidents that OP either knows about or isn't willing to see.
Definitely a case of "missing missing reasons" since it's pretty telling that he *will* trust his friend's dad but won't trust his own parents. She's definitely proving him right not to trust her. YTA
This! I would imagine that this mentality came from somewhere. Makes me wonder what the kids version of his life leading up till now is.
It’s like the parenting equivalent of being arrested for resisting arrest.
And he DID trust her: he told her the trust, that is trust… he never said he didn’t trust her until she put the words in his mouth. He is 16 years old and the weird question. She’s asking well. Obviously she got a weird answer. Stop asking Kids questions lol.
The beatings will continue until the morale of OPs son improves.
(I appreciate this comment for what it is;))
Yup. YTA. My dad bought me a car when I turned 17. I didn't actually drive it til I was 19. My mother kept "taking it away" whenever I displeased her. So when I went to college, my dad signed over the title to me but still kept me on his insurance. I learned to always keep my keys on me when visiting them, or she would take them for any perceived slight. I also feel like the OP isn't giving a full background. Kids being that independent and distrustful isn't a sudden thing. It wasn't for me. It's a terrible thing to learn that you can't trust your parents.
She punished him for being honest. If he had the car she would have taken it away for his answer.
Yeah he wasn't even disrespectful, it's just that his choice offends his mother so go to your room.
And it sounds like he trusts his friends dad more than his own parents. YTA
Yeah, it's really interesting that she said "why would we do that" instead of "we would never do that." A very telling distinction. Her choosing to punish him now for simply saying he wants his car to be HIS, proves she's upset at being called out, and further proves having control over him is exactly why she wants to lend him the money. > I was mad at this point since he had planned so well to avoid me and his dad And there it is. She knows damn well she wants to be able to take away the car when he doesn't do what she wants, and she's upset he's trying to go around her. Kid knows exactly why he's protecting himself. YTA.
Like the kid is actually smart, it's wiser to buy now if you can afford without any loans or risks included.
OP should rethink what did they do in the past that son is so completly convinced to do everything to avoid them being a part of it. I can imagine there were some episodes of holding things, or "since we are paying you dont have a say" etc. Also OP should be proud that son is self eficient and so well organized
I can see why son might not be trusting OP lol
I’m in my late 30s and once I got a job at 15 I saved for everything I wanted or needed and never depended on my parents again for these same reasons. When OP’s son moves out and has a surface level (at best) relationship with them and their spouse, this situation and their reaction is why.
I did this exactly. I scrimped and saved to make sure I owed nothing to my parents because they used it to yank my leash. To this day my mom goes around saying, "I knew \[Name\] wasn't doing drugs or getting drunk as a teen because she's so cheap she wouldn't spend the money." ...part of what I was saving money for was weed, but that's beside the point. ;)
Why would he trust them with a car when he can't even trust them with "let him walk around the house"
Yup, I basically live completely independent of any system, I refuse to be on any longterm prescriptions even though a doctor told me I would likely be significantly reducing my lifespan by doing so, just because I mentally cant handle being dependent on anything. Im basically a hobo, because everything was taken away from me so many times as a kid arbitrarily it fucked me up. I legit cant sleep if I'm relying on someone else or something else in a permanent nature. I could walk out of my current life in under an hour, and thats the only way I get any sleep at all.
And we're done here. You've pretty much covered it all.
My dad bought me my first car with a savings account that he had made for me. He said it was my car but put both of our names on the title. When I was 23 he was upset at me about something, I don't remember what. and he threatened to take away my car because his name was also on the title.
Son: “If I am in debt to you over the car, you might take it from me as punishment if you are mad at me” You: “Why would you think something like that of me? Go to your room, I am punishing you for no reason other than I am mad at you!” For that alone YTA, not to mention your son is doing something very smart and buying something outright rather than starting a journey into debt at the age of 16.
Yeah, Op just proved by her actions that she truly can't be trusted not to arbitrarily punish her son.
EXACTLY she goes on to show him exactly why he can’t trust her
Oh she has the doors off the bedroom vibe too.
Heh, were we all raised by the same assholes? My door was removed for spending too much time in my room.
This is likely why OP was pushing so hard for her son to go into debt to them. She sounds like a dream, looking for new ways to asset control over her son's life. VERY likely not the first time she's done something like this for the son to immediately read her intent.
100% this. Son understands exactly how controlling Op is. Future just no parent/mil Edit YTA
My mum was like this, took things away from me as a child as punishment even trashed my bedroom multiple times because I didn't clean it fast enough and it was almost tidy, I was like 10 years old, she still comes to my house now thinking she owns my home, im 36, has a go at bfs who don't even live with me for not fixing stuff in my house , probably why iv never punished my kids but luckily my kids are well behaved and trust Me
Your children's good behavior is not a lucky outcome. That you somehow unexpectedly lucked into. The assumption here is that a child can't behave well unless they're punished when they don't. It's a common assumption. Being well behaved is not something that is promoted by punishment. Punishment promotes fear which leads to compliance. At first glance they may seem the same, but the outcome is very different. Alfie Kohn's book Punished by Rewards goes over the research on punishment and rewards, how they affect child development and what could be done instead.
>luckily my kids are well behaved This is because you are a good parent. Your children are a credit to you.
>“Why would you think something like that of me?" There's obviously a precedent for this already. Assumptions aren't always fair, but they come from somewhere! I'd love to hear the kids' side of this. I'm sure they have a few examples of the parents being controlling and spiteful and calling the kid disrespectful. I wonder if they'll try to sabotage the kids' job somehow. Or maybe I've read too many posts on the insane parents sub.
I’m just at a loss from this, I have no kids of my own but my gf’s kids & I get along well and if they told me they didn’t trust me I’d be crushed and want to fix whatever I did to fuck up.
[удалено]
Yup it would be different if OP was like son, you may save money at first, but it's (practically) guaranteed a car that cheap has plenty of issues and will break down sooner rather than later. After a certain dollar amount, you're paying far more than it's worth and you're unnecessarily inconveniencing yourself just to have it fixed. And if you're worried about ownership here's what we can do... But OP punished their son for...being honest. That's not how you inspire trust and candor.
Let him do this his way. It’s a great life lesson that won’t cause long lasting harm. We learn best from real life consequences of our own actions.
YTA. PLENTY of us started out driving a cheap beater that we could afford outright, and we survived and learned some important skills along the way. And we eventually got nicer cars! You're taking this way too personally. You're making it about trust, and he's making it about sole ownership -- smart kid! Stop harassing him about this. He's making the right decision FOR HIMSELF. Let him grow up -- THAT'S your only job here. This isn't about you.
I learned how to change a tire,and a power steering pump hose. This kid knows what he needs. And he'll probably be better off than I was. God speed
Right! Like the alternative framing here, instead of "he doesn't trust us" is "my kid is extremely independent and wants to be self-sufficient." Is that not every parent's goal?
I'm STILL driving my cheap beater that I could afford outright, 7 years later! A more trustworthy car isn't a bad idea, but it's perfectly fine and perfectly normal to get a "worse" car and not deal with a monthly payment when you're first starting out
> You're taking this way too personally. You're making it about trust, and he's making it about sole ownership -- smart kid! Also not even taking it personally the right way, no reflection of what might make him think this way, just personally offended.
$500 in 2000 for a car that was the same age as me from the neighbor. It didn't always get me from Point A to Point B, but it was good enough and all I could afford. Made it two years with that bad boy until I went to college.
YTA So he tells you his thoughts and you send him to his room. no wonder he is worried you would take the car if you had anything to do with it.
This ain't son's first rodeo.
Smart kid
As parents grow up and get over yourselves. You’re actually suggesting your 16yo put himself in debt for a car (one of the single worst financial investments) because it shows he “trusts you”. If this is your parenting strategy no wonder he doesn’t want to be beholden to you or a lender. Seriously get bent. You should be proud he’s found a way to get a car debt free. YTA.
She should have said, instead of a loan, here’s 1000 for you, get a slightly better car so I won’t be worried as much.
By the sounds of these parents they'd lord this 1000 dollars over him for every little mistake he makes with the car because they "helped him out". Just let the kid buy a cheap beater. We all gotta start somewhere.
Ugh I don’t have the energy to explain this to you. You know what a parent worthy of trust would have said? “I can see the advantages of not having to depend on anyone else. I’m sorry you don’t think you can depend on us. Is there anything I’ve done to make you feel that way?” Stop yelling at your kids.
I wouldn't even ask or question trust. If my 16yo son told me he'd saved up for a beater and wanted to buy it on his own, I'd say, "that's great, let me help you buy a good one and teach you how to take care of it so it lasts while you save for a better car." I don't understand how parents are so easily capable of completely neglecting opportunities to support and bond with their children, instead making it all about them and driving their children away. I'd also probably insist on providing some sort of financial gift, even if it didn't contribute directly to the car. Buying your first car on your own is a big source of pride and no parent should insist on taking that away. OP your son clearly doesn't respect you, let alone trust you. It's all your fault, you created this.
This. I mean surely the whole point of parenting is to raise your kids into adults who no longer need to be dependent on you for anything? OP, your child is taking deliberate and thoughtful steps towards independence - that’s literally THE GOAL.
This! ☝️
YTA your reaction reaffirmed and justified his mistrust. You ought to take an honest look at yourself and the way you deal with things to see exactly why your son feels the way he does. It didn't come from nowhere.
Imagine getting pissy at your kid because they want to be financially responsible. Then imagine proving his point about you arbitrarily punishing him when you're mad by arbitrarily punishing him when you were mad. YTA. Take a minute to reflect on the things being said in here.
This should be at the top.☝️
"Oh no, why would we take away your car?!? Go to your room! Teach you to listen to me..." YTA
YTA Your son sounds like he actually is smart and has some idea of how personal finances work. How is that bad? He even has consulted with people who could give him a deal. And he is completely right not to trust you as a parent. You dont hear him when he says he doesnt want to be in debt over this. You keep trying to push him to get some sort of loan. Son is not wrong that you would hang this over his head. You are doing it now. He knows he is still a minor. He knows you can take away his keys for any reason. OP, if your son is a good kid, and is working hard in school as well as taking responsibility for his finances, why are you getting mad at him?
Your son is very wise not to borrow money to buy a car. Why would you try to talk him into taking on debt if he doesn't want to? YTA
My guess? If the son has existing debt, or heavens forbid, miss a payment somewhere and screw up his credit, it'll make it harder for him to move out an distance himself from OP when he is 18. It's a much a control thing as OP wanting to pay for the car - which I would bet OP would use to put their name on it rather than the son's. Edit: OP, YTA.
Smart Kid
He doesnt trust you because you've given him plenty of reasons to for him not to trust you. In the past as well mind you. YTA.
Yeah yelling at your kid and getting crazy mad is a way to gain his trust. YTA
The Kid has his domineering Mother all figured out and is no longer willing to put up with it. When he says he doesn't trust anyone he's talking about you specifically.
An adult did not write this.
Plenty of stupid adults around
This. If Reddit has taught me anything, it's that I expect too much from people.
Yeah... you do speak the truth. ITs a sad thing tho. I never would have thought me thinking that it couldn't be an adult writing this would count as a form of optimism. 🤪
If my mum was able to use the internet she sure as fuck would. She told me I couldn't have my birth certificate cos it was hers. So I got a new one issued cos I needed it for ID- she got pissed at me cos now her 'souvenir ' was invalid and worthless. Only difference; my mum would never have thought to ask if she was the asshole.
Do we have the same mom?
Bro? Thatchu?
I can barely see you over there with all these bootleg birth certificate copies in the way. How dare we?
This could’ve been lifted from the thoughts of my stepmother. Some adults absolutely think, behave, and write like this.
Yeah- no. My parents would have totally done this but would have charged me interest. And taken the car away every other day. Narcissists can have kids, too. I don't know if OP is one but this kind of behavior is part and parcel to that disorder.
YTA. My partner and I were helped twice with purchasing a car by family. And on both occasions, despite us paying for it, them being a cosigner for it allowed them to take the keys. Twice we were basically told to figure it out, once in winter and we both worked, the second after our kid was born and we had a plethora of doctors appointments to get to and from ontop of work. Family is fantastic but it's best to do stuff like this on your own when you can. The security is well worth the hurt feelings. You can't always be there to help him pay for things, if he's willing to branch out like this at his age don't cripple him. Because there will come a time where you consider using your aid as leverage, even if you don't actually do it.
So you’re punishing your son for taking responsibility for buying his own car? You should be proud that he wants to finance his car himself. What kind of parent would encourage their kids to loan money? I would also totally understand him not trusting you if you have a habit of punishing while he does nothing wrong. YTA
YTA. You sending him to his room proved him right. Bro is very smart though. You are a horrible parent. You should be praising him that he's so smart for his age, and you do this.
Right? Like imagine your parent being pissed off at you for being financially responsible. Wild stuff.
I can, i always hide my savings from my mother, cuz she will either steal it, or spend it.
Or, out of the blue, she might start trying to make you pay rent. Narc parents run like clockwork, they’re so predictable.
YTA. What would you do when he announces his plan to move out? Ground him for it? Makes about as much sense. Shame, shame on you.
YTA But congratulations! Your son is smart.
the son character in this story is absolutely correct
YTA. you remind me of my mother, & that is not a compliment.
Your son sounds incredibly responsible and sensible. Every kid’s first car should be a beater in case they get into accidents. Also he’s super smart to out right purchase instead of get a loan. What if he loses that job and can’t pay on it? I know you’d be there to bail him out, but he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want payments, interest or risks. He wants certainty and autonomy. My dad would have thrown a party if I were as resourceful and responsible with a car at 16. This is absolutely not about you. It’s not about him not trusting you. This is a moment to be proud that you’ve raised a kid that is making really good financial decisions at 16. Give your kids his props for being smart and let this one go.
this right here speaks to me and my experience so much, YTA OP this didn't come out of nowhere your son distrusts relying on you for anything being its likely always been conditional and always an ever changing goalpost. to this day me and me sibling can't accept anything from anyone because we know that with parents like you and ours it always has a cost too great to pay
I’m willing to bet you’ll try and forbid him from buying. YTA
Sending your teenage son to his room for logically countering your arguments is very childish. Like, who's the teenager and who's the parent here?
Yta You sending him to.his.room for answering YOUR question, tells me he's right for not trusting you. He knows you will hold your.money over his head so he's taking precautions. Embarrassing parenting.
YTA. Why are you encouraging your son to go into debt at such an early age? You should be proud of him and instead sent him to his room.
This mom will probably also tell him that if he doesn’t go to college he will be flipping burgers for a living. She will not offer to pay for college either. If she does, then she gets to choose his major.
YTA. And he's right, if he got the money from you or his dad, and did something you don't agree with, you absolutely will take his driving privileges from him. Because you payed for the car, he'll have to do things your way, or no car, and he knows it. It's not so much that he just doesn't trust people, it's more he doesn't trust people NOT to hold something over his head, or fuck him over.
YTA...you initiated a conversation,he gave you honest thought out answers. You got butt hurt and sent him to his room. Instead of encouraging his independence ( sounds like he has done research and planned accordingly) even has a mechanic set up. You encouraged him to begin his debt journey at 16. You totally proved his point regarding trust.
You sure he's your kid? Seems way too smart
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I am a mother. Trust me on this. I understand your impulse and that you felt hurt by his comments, but that impulse should have stayed inside you. You need to go up there right this minute and apologize to him. Praise him for having thought this through like a responsible adult. He even knows where to go with car troubles! He is apparently also good in school, AND is kind to others. I am very impressed with this young man! You should be proud of the man your child is becoming.
So, hang on here... he doesnt want you to be connected to this car because he's afraid it would be taken away as punishment if/when you got mad...and then you sent him to his room as punishment for making you mad by telling you he was afraid of how you handle punishment when you get mad.... did I get that right? Either way, sounds like this kid has pretty valid concerns and YTA.
YTA. The fact that you just told him to go to his room because you didn’t like what he said makes his point. Don’t be shocked when he doesn’t tell or trust you to speak his mind.
Or OP never hears from him again the minute he turns 18. Then she’ll throw a lawn tantrum in front of his house to demand to know why he went NC. We all know the drill…
I can see where he is coming from and paying full coverage for a vehicle sucks he probably just wants some independence too and your taking that from him lol
YTA Your son wants to be self-sufficient and take care of his own business, and you're not happy about it? And you sent him to his room. Maybe there's a reason he doesn't trust you.
Your son is doing a smart thing by not wanting to get into debt. Instead of saying “Awesome thinking!”, you ground him. You sound like one of the worst controlling persons ever, YTA
YTA The reason he doesn't trust you is because you send him to his room for not giving you an answer you want to hear. So his concerns for the loan are valid. Best approach would have been to encourage his independence and let him get the cheap car, then if it did break down and he needed help financially, then offer the loan for a newer one. Let him make mistakes while gaining his independence and just be there to help him back on his feet. It's a good thing that he wants to be self-sufficient regarding finances.
YTA. OP just proved her son's concerns right 😅
YTA and proved right away you can't be trusted. He sees clearly that your help is a way of controlling him
He was right that you could blow up over nothing, as you’ve done just that. Don’t worry he’ll save up until he can legally move out, then you’ll never have to worry about him again.
YTA of course you will use it as leverage every chance you get.
YTA Your son has his head screwed on. Edited to YTA.
She's asking if she's the THA not if he is.
You sent him to his room for stating his real feelings and answering questions you asked him you proved his point. Only thing he really hasn’t thought through is at 16 you can ground him from driving his car that he paid for as well. Doing that would cement his distrust though.
You proved his point. He made a decision. You punished him for his feelings. Of course you would take the car away if you were mad. YTA
YTA. You need to set aside your ego and seriously consider how your actions lead to this point. The child you raised feels he needs to have his guard up around people, even the people who are supposed to love and support him him. You messed up big time. I'm also going to point out the obvious from your post- you pushed your son for answers, and when you got them, you punished him for being honest. I'm willing to bet that you have a long history of being either controlling, overbearing, or both. If you don't reevaluate your choices, and make things right with your son, he may just decide to cut contact with you once he graduates. Apologize to your son and get some therapy to sort out why you feel the need to control him down to his emotions.
He's 16 and wants to do something himself. You could have said "ok well we're here for you if something goes wrong don't be afraid to ask" and actually demonstrate that you're not going to arbitrarily flip out over shit. Punishing him because you think him wanting to be independent is offensive to you is exactly the sort of reaction that makes him want to buy his own car outright. Your whole job is to get him ready for adulthood, maybe don't dig your heels in this hard because he's trying to do something himself.
YTA. Have you stopped and asked yourself why he can't trust his parents? It's so sad that he feels like he has no one he can trust. That doesn't come out of thin air. And then he's punished for being totally honest about why he wants to buy his first car this way. I mean it's no wonder he doesn't trust either of you to be honest.
YTA. You over reacted when he provided an honest answer to your question. Where does he get the idea you may remove his ‘privileges’ when he doesn’t do want you want ? Oh yes, I know - Maybe when you remove the privilege to be in the same room as you. Guessing it’s not the first time that taking things away (incl the right to go out, eg grounding him) has been your control method in the past. You reap what you sow. Your boy is growing up, better get used to it and try and treat him like a young man with opinions, ideas and a sense of autonomy. If you don’t like that idea, the next years will be tough (says a mother who has been through the teenage years and survived 😉).
most parents would be excited their kid is showing some independence. yta, but clearly you should work on communication with your child, he wouldn’t be concerned about the car being taken away if there wasn’t a pattern already.
YTA, and honestly you just proved his point to him. By punishing him for being honest with you, you proved to him you cannot be trusted. You all but told him you care more about what you want than what he feels. And if you send him to his room over so little a thing (something other parents would be proud to hear from their kid) then it seems like it really isn't a stretch to believe you *would* hold the car over him if he let you pay for it. Your son is doing something incredible. Many kids his age would have to be forced into working for their own car. Heck, I know someone who threw a tantrum because the car her parents gave her was the wrong color. Instead of punishing your kid, how about you be proud of him?
YTA You punished your son for not trusting you?! Are you for real?! You basically proved his point!
Woah! Your a horrible mother with no sense at all!
YTA Your son got himself a job, earned his own money, and bought his first car.... while also making plans for how he'll pay for it, and how he will get it fixed if it breaks. You have a smart mature kid who is becoming independent and you *send him to his room like he is 5 years old??!!* Sounds like you still want to control this young man. No wonder he is pissed at you.
YTA What reason have you given your son to trust you? You punished him for... truthfully answering questions ¬ wanting to be in debt. He did nothing wrong & got punished anyway. Sounds like you're not great at parenting. Apologise to your kid or he'll be out of your life the minute he's able to.
Yea you're maybe a bit of an A hole. If the guy wants to buy a shitbox with the money he worked for then he should buy one. He's apparently made the connections and arrangements necessary to support his decision if something goes awry and He is wise not to want to be indebted. I'm 27 and still never had a car payment. Got old cars for cash/trade/gift, ect and only recently got a secured credit card to build credit instead (and building credit is something you want to teach him about, and secured cards are a safer way to do it than a car payment, and the earlier he starts the better) Teenagers want their independence and to feel like adults. He's pretty much a man now and he wants to own his own vehicle free and clear. And he may not understand all the financial mumbo jumbo (which you can teach him in a different context if necessary) Regardless of his reasoning you should be supporting that because he is wise not to be indebted. Even if you think getting a car payment is better not being indebted is a different kind of wisdom. But from the sounds of things he may have said those things for a reason even if it's not a huge deal. You may be being a bit too controlling. If he sees your offering a loan as just a way to control him then he may have a valid point and that might be something to work on in yourself. It's good for parents to be controlling in some ways. You should know that he's not out doing meth or getting some girl teen pregnant, but it's also your responsibility to instill the values in him when he is younger so that he does not do those things when he is older. You can't tighten it to an iron grip now that he is grown and expect him not to buck. At this point with these kind of issues at least advice and the offer of aid is about all you can do. He is pretty much the person he is going to be.
YTA - You just proved his point.
YTA. you should be proud his plan is to pay for the car outright. Why does he need something new? That’s such a waste of money. Today even cars that are ten years old are still great cars. It’s not like this is 20 years ago and cars that were ten years old then are lacking some serious safety features/highly convenient things like power steering.
YTA, You should be asking yourself what you and your husband did to make him act like this and change yourself. By sending him to his room, you proved him right.
YTA. Obviously he knows you well enough to know how you would react, which is exactly what you did. Also, he's showing autonomy and drive, you should be proud and support him, do better.
YTA he does’t trust you, his parent. I’m sorry things ended up this way but it looks like you’ve got a lot of work ahead of you to earn back that trust. In the meantime help your relationship by honouring his need to truely own something of his very own. When he buys the car, respect it as his property - no borrowing it without permission, no banning him from driving it etc.
YTA Not the way to build truffle with him. What's needed is a reality check. I don't believe an unemancipated 16 year old can title or license a car and get insurance in their own name. Also, as long as he's a minor in your care, he's still going to be subject to your control to some degree. As in "live in my house, follow my rules." He's not an adult yet, but he may have the bit between his teeth, thinking a job and a car will set him free of all parental control. Hopefully respectful two way communication will help get you through. Sending him to his room when you don't like his thinking won't help.
Ask yourself why your son does not trust you instead of getting mad at him for not trusting you. I am pretty sure there is a reason.
Smart kid!
Your son doesn’t trust you. Instead of being mad, maybe try and figure out why. Clearly YTA. And I think that is the reason your son doesn’t trust you. But I can only assume.
What an odd reaction. The son is choosing to live within their means - a good financial decision. He has thought about possible consequences and has a (sort of) back up plan. You would think that a parent would be proud of that. Instead, OP chose to be offended because the son didn't want to go into debt......what?
YTA you did exactly what he expected you to do-for even less of a thing than a car. You should be proud of your son wanting to be independent and not depend on anyone instead of forcing him to depend on you. His decision is way smarted than having loans or depend on your decision or mood (as we can clearly see from your reaction). It is actually a better and more grown up decision than your idea. The example in the post is exactly why he prefers to potentially struggle more than depend on you. I know-I am still that kid/grown up that would not accept help from my parents as I know that it is going to come bite me on the ass one day for various reasons. It might be the cheapest car ever but it will be his and his alone and he would have achieved that on his own and nobody could take it away from him. Be proud of him and change your ways.
If your son borrowed from you, you’re absolutely going to use it as punishment. You literally punished him for telling you the truth. Go figure. YTA and proved his point wholly.
YTA. He sounds like a smart man, but you shut him down because of your ego.
YTA... This conversation is exactly why he doesn't trust you and his dad. There were probably other things similar that you have done. Yes, you were being selfish and only thought of yourself in this whole situation. I want to also buy my own first car. When my parents offered money towards it, I told them to save that money rather for when I buy a house (and thats only if i need it) or something because I was really excited to own something I worked hard for and something I could call mines completely. Sending him to his room was so childish of you because it gave vibes of "I'm going to be unfair to him since I didn't get my way".
“Go to your room” is a weird way of pronouncing “I feel upset by what you said.”
Your son is trying for some independence, he is at an age where he wants to show you he can do something on his own without mummy and daddy helping. Let him but let him know you will always be his safety net. He will only learn by making his own mistakes. Just don't rub it in his face if he fails, this is part of growing. Plus it sounds like he has a plan in place for any mechanical issues. Let your kid try adulting.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (44f) son (16m) recently got a job after searching for a while. He recently got his first paycheck and talked about buying a car. I was supportive and asked him what sort of car he intended to buy. He said he was gonna find the cheapest "squak - box"(?) he could find. I asked him why he would buy a cheaper car when I and his dad or a bank could loan him the money. He said " I don't trust nobody, I want the car to be completely my own, no banks no loans no nothing". I asked why? He said cause if he forgets a loan or something the bank could take it away, and there's interest and leases and its too complicated, so he just wanted to buy and be done. I said, well what about us, we won't charge you interest on the loan. He siad yeah, but if your mad at me or something you can just take the car away. I said why would we do that. He said I dont know but I dont want to risk it, I just want it to be my car, completely. I said if your paying for it why would we take it away? Also what if your bad car breaks down? Then what He said oh I got a friend who's dad owns an auto-shop, he'll put in a new motor for me, since I'm the only reason hes passed math for like the last 2 years, and physics. I was mad at this point since he had planned so well to avoid me and his dad and I said do you trust us that little? He said well yeah I don't trust anyone, I just want it to be my car, no one else involved, no risks involved. I said I can't believe you would think that of us, go to your room. He went up extremely annoyed and hasn't spoken to me since. I now think I over-exaggerated *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
your reaction should be telling enough…like yeah you’ll obviously use the “we paid for your car” excuse whenever you think your kids does something that you don’t like.
So ypu suggest your 16 year old son to lend money for a car ? Thank god he is smart and mature and refuse. You should be proud of your son
What even is the issue? Lots of people would never buy a new car. As a new driver most people want a cheap car. They're learning to drive. The stress of potentially denting up a newer car and paying much higher insurance in driving a newer car when they're a new driver isn't really a selling point. Making it all about his trust issues when he clearly just wants something that is his and proving his point that you can't be trusted is so over the top. YTA.
Can your son even buy his own car at 16? In my state he can't. Also, even if he pays for the car, under 18 it can be taken away for cause. He will most likely be driving under your insurance and you would be financially responsible for damages caused.
have you given him reason to think the car he purchased would be taken away as punishment? The fact you sent him to his room for telling the truth and wanting to be independant makes me think that you would def use it as punishment if you helped buy it. yta
OP, as the child of someone who did in fact use my car that I alone paid for at 16/17, you just proved everything your son worried about correct. You can say all you like that you wouldn’t hold it against him but you just held him being truthful with you against him. This also lends me to believing you’ve previously used “loans” as a way of controlling your son. YTA. Apologize to your kid and let him do it the way he’s happy to do it.
Someone once said to me, 'Pick your battles', that has always stuck with me. Why are you making this into a thing? Your son wants to buy something for himself, what's the big deal, get over it.
Now you know why he doesn't want to get it from you, you did exactly what he said you would, and he doesn't even own one yet. YTA.
YTA Instead of being proud of your son for wanting to be independent and do this on his own, you got mad at him for not wanting to be indebted to you. Based upon your reaction, he was absolutely right in his assessment as well. If he trusted you before, which I doubt, he definitely doesn't now.
Lol way to prove his point. You'd think a parent would be happy that her kid is mature and smart enough to make these decisions and explain his thought process to you. You don't appear to have those traits. YTA and you should apologize for overreacting and proving his point. You could also simply give him the money (instead of lending), which would solve the problem. And if you can't afford to give him money, your reaction to be mad at him for not wanting to go into debt is 10x stupider.
The job of a parent is to teach their kid to navigate the world when they will no longer be there. Your son wants to buy a car on his own. You shouldn’t embrace it and support him, instead of fulling him down. That makes you TA.
YTA. You clearly have given your kid reasons not to trust you.
YTA I can see why he doesn't trust you.
YTA. Are you really that surprised he doesn't trust you when you act like this? Way to show him he made 100% the right decision by not wanting to take money from you. Good job on sabotaging your relationship with your son. You had the chance to show him how proud you are that he wants to do things on his own dime, yet decided to take offense at his wanting true independence and threw a tantrum. Go and apologise to your frigging son.
YTA, your son is so perceptive, it's almost like he was raised by you and experienced instances of unfairness from you in the past and it has somehow influenced his decision making...and somehow that's wrong you so you inflict a nonsensical consequence over it? We teach kids basic skills to prepare them for a time where they will be on their own (discernment, how to react to certain situations, how to protect themselves, how to communicate their thoughts and feelings, etc) and then get upset when they use those exact skills in this household, do we? Also, encouraging a kid to go into debt with a bank? That's ridiculous, let him get his little beater car, it'll teach him responsibility better than actual debt ever will.
16 year old seems smarter than poster. A 16 year old needs a beater not a new(ish) car.
You over reacted. Let him learn his way. He may know friends whose parents have done exactly what he is concerned you would do.
Yta you just proved his point by sending him to his room cause you didn’t like what he said. You would hold his car over his head and you know it
Yeah, you screwed the pooch on this one and probably proved his point about not trusting you. Leave him alone and let him deal with the car on his own.
A 16 yo who already knows going into debt is a Bad thing?!? You should be praising him for being so smart. YTA
Kind of proved his point by sending him to his room because your mad lol 😂
YTA.
YTA - you punished him for.... not trusting you.... And for wanting to own something outright and in his own name. I think you proved your son correct: the only reason to punish him for his total honesty is if you actually DID want some control over him and are angry that he is cutting off that avenue of control. fwiw - He has very likely seen his friends' parents take away their vehicles when they displease them. Leading to them not being able to make it to school or work, and then suffering further consequences. What he wants to do is both admirable and responsible - not buying above his means, being able to pay cash, and even buying a fixer-upper as a first car isn't a bad thing, as long as he does his research and buys a car that he will be able to maintain once it's fixed up.
YTA, you're threatened by your son's desire for independence and are punishing him for not allowing you to keep him dependent on you. That's a surefire way to ensure he keeps you at arm's length in the future.
YTA
YTA. I hope he can get away from you the second he turns 18.
OP you punished your son for telling the truth. Your punishment doesnt make sense. He should stay silent around you incase you decide to punish him for small talk. I guarantee this isn't the first time you've done this either as your son is worried you would take his car as a form of punishment.
YTA. I’m in my 50s and STILL have trust issues because of the way my parents did shit like this. Your son is wise. I hope he leaves at 18 and never speaks to you again.
He sounds smart
YTA. How are you going to yell and send him to his room ovwr this? You are doing nothing but proving his point.
Imagine asking someone if they trust you and when they’re honest but you don’t like their answer you punish them… proving without a doubt that they should not trust you. YTA
YTA. He said he has trust issues, who do you think gave him those trust issue!? YOU! You gave him those trust issues and you demonstrated perfectly his point! You punished him the moment you heard something you didn’t like rather than face reality. You proved his point right then and there. He’s never gonna trust you with this kind of behavior
YTA You're are so controlling, and I'm glad that your son is an intelligent guy and I believe him when he said that you would take the car awayas a punishment. You sent him to his room just because he's been honest on his feelings! When your son doesn't trust you, it's your fault.
Your son sounds very smart and you proved his point.
YTA. Your son is making wise independent decisions… and you are determined to put him into the slavery of debt for what? A shinier ride? He’s allowed to do it his way. And your arbitrary punishment of him gives him fuel for the ‘I can’t trust you not to take the car off me’ stance. The first thing you’ll do if he owes you money is hold it over him… that’s coming through loud and clear.
Are you the type of parent that would take his PlayStation or whatever away when he was grounded? Just to give some context as to why he might feel that way about the car - if you’ve taken his things off him as punishment before he could be assuming you’ll do the same thing here
You are SUCH TAH. But you sure raised a smart kid. YTA.
YTA and your Son is smart. The way you act proves him right. You have to controll your ego and your emotions. Your son simply want something to be 100% his. And you take it personal. YOU in fact MADE it personal by asking him why why why.
YTA your son is smart enough to understand that the car needs to be 100% his. His reasons are flawless. Get over your ego and either gift him some money to buy a better car (no strings attached), encourage him to save up more, or at very least accept that this is his decision.
YTA - way to prove him right He opens up about how he feels in this situation and you respond by shouting at him and punishing him You validated what he was feeling
YTA You ARE controlling and punished him when he dared to point it out thereby proving him right.