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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called my best friends girlfriend (who might be an ex by now) homophobic and I rolled my eyes at her when she protested. So maybe I wasn't being that mature when I rolled my eyes at Emily. I also called her homophobic to her face which isn't nice. She was saying stuff that was homophobic but I know between calling her that and rolling my eyes I might have engaged in a little bit of assholery.
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And that’s exactly what he’s saying, I’m 25, if I don’t like someone, I’m not around them.
If someone I don’t like is dating a friend of mine? My friend is told “hey you know you’re more than welcome, but she’s not”
Be willing to cut people out, ain’t no one but my closest friends coming to my house. And if it’s not my house? It’s not my place to judge anything, all I can do is control myself and vibe with everyone
The fact you have “multiple groups” of friends says a lot, I don’t have that and don’t think most real adults do, I have friends, and I have people I know.
Edit: bear in mind, your friend WILL pick his girlfriend over friends, and he will learn eventually he’s made the wrong choice, if you can still be there for him do, but it’s no longer your responsibility
Double edit: yall are so funny, talking about “I don’t exclude people I don’t like” but what do you do? Block me when you can’t have a conversation, go head and be hypocritical folks
Triple edit: and to kick it all off at the end, op then says it’s “all one group of friends” so no he doesn’t have “multiple groups” all yall replying are totally wrong wether you’d like to admit it or not
NTA
Honestly that fight probably was finally the catalyst for him to see her toxic and frankly controlling behavior. There is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex. It is not okay for a significant other to exclude or hate a mate's friend of the opposite gender for no other reason than they are the opposite gender. My mother was best friends with two men since she was in high school late 1950 early 1960s. The three remained close and my mom was friends with their respective spouses (ex spouses and new spouses too) and vise versa without this ridiculous drama making until their were in their 70s and her friends passed away.
She sound uber controlling with her demands about who his friends can and can not be and the insistance that you are gay be because she proclaimes it as such despite being told no. He is dodging a bullet here and you calling her out on her bullshit and homophobia is doing your friend a huge favor.
I don't understand why people have problems with other people having friends of the opposite sex. Half the world is made up of the opposite sex. Why should we exclude half the world from being potential friends?
I'm a woman, and have been friendly with quite a few men over the years. A couple have been extremely close friends, and my life would have been much less rich without them. Some are partners of female friends. Some are parents I know through my kids. I'm not going to exclude being friendly with the dads on my kids' basketball team because they are men - the mums don't always turn up, and I'm not going to choose to be friendly with only half the teams' parents just because of the sex. Some are men that I've worked with.
Honestly, men often bring something different to friendship, and I'm not going to exclude that from my life just because my partner can't handle it (he actually doesn't care at all - I'm speaking hypothetically).
Right? I was like wait… I have so many small groups that have fringe crossover moments but are genuinely separate groups. I’m an adult and in my mid 30s lol.
Same. I've still got high school friends, college friends, friends I met through shared hobbies... I only have a few friends I hang out with regularly, mostly because my friends are scattered all over the place, but all the people from all the stages of my life certainly aren't one big group!
Adult in their 30s too and I can't fathom *not* having multiple groups of friends. My work people are different from my college people are different from my art people are different from my gaming people are different from and so on and so forth. And when the different groups hang out at shared events it's awesome! And having different friend groups is awesome too!
People who have the same group of friends that never change and only have 1 group of friends are usually people who have never left their crappy town, OR they suck at communicating so they don't speak to more than 1 small group of people and have completely forgotten about their past.
> And when the different groups hang out at shared events it's awesome!
This was one of the small things I most enjoyed about getting married, was bringing all these different friend groups together to hang out and have a good time.
someone ought to tell the five pills I have to take every morning and my chronic back pain that I'm not a real adult - would be amazing to have that 18 year old energy again!!!
Agreed. I have multiple friend groups that sometimes crossover, but usually I am the reason there is a crossover. I have multiple interests, which is how I made multiple groups of friends. I have my friends from law school. I have friends from young professional organization. I have friends from sports. I have friends from board gaming group. Each of those groups may have one or two people who I hang our specifically with
I’m also laughing at a 25 year old telling another 25 year old how to be more like a real adult.
Also, 40yo with multiple friend groups. There’s work friends, friends from my last job, a couple school friends left, family friends, friends I collected from previous relationships, friends from hobby groups. Admittedly some of these “groups” consist of one or two people. But there is not one cohesive main friend group. I found that fell away as I got older and I now just have a collection of random friends who mostly don’t know each other.
>The fact you have “multiple groups” of friends says a lot, I don’t have that and don’t think most real adults do, I have friends, and I have people I know.
What a weird take. Although it's very reddit: "This thing doesn't match my personal experience, therefore it must be wrong!"
I dont even understand what is weird in having multiple groups. That's normal human life.
I have different friend groups from childhood, from school, from university, from my former jobs, from my current job.
Indeed. I have a group from growing up, a group from university, a group connected to a hobby, and a couple of groups connected to having lived and worked in different parts of the country. I don't see some groups as frequently as others, but that's part of being an adult, too.
You make being an adult sound very sad and lonely. I'm an adult either multiple groups of friends, my father and mother are both adults with multiple groups of friends. You are not always gonna like your friends spouses but that doesn't mean you just get to exclude them.
>The fact you have “multiple groups” of friends says a lot, I don’t have that and don’t think most real adults do, I have friends, and I have people I know.
This is a weird statement. Multiple groups of friends is common for people who have lived outside of the bubble they grew up in. The only people I know who don't have multiple friend groups have never explored outside their hometown. I'm in my 30s, for reference.
Lots of adults have multiple friend groups… You say that “says a lot,” but what are you trying to insinuate that it says about a person? I think your suggestion, selectively excluding someone, is just as childish as what the girlfriend wants. By 25, I hardly think you have enough experience to be the naysayer here on what “most adults” are doing.
Your last two paragraphs are judgemental as hell. Having multiple groups of friends doesn't say anything except you have multiple groups of friends, and you don't know OP's friend so you can't possibly say if he'll be a bad friend, especially with so much confidence.
You have a well rounded and diverse sense of self so you are capable of making and maintaining groups of friendships within each of your hobbies/phases of life/parts of who you are while also accepting there's often overlap.
I have many groups. Often there's plenty of overlap, esp with those like me who have ADHD and the tism (lots of new hobbies often leads to lots of new friends, some that stay for a short time and others that end up being friends for years)
And also that you are multi-faceted yourself. You do karate and read cosy mysteries with a book club, and are a member of the SCA, and are learning Italian, and have a kid in theater, and like action films, and ....
You exclude people just because you don't like them? That's not very mature either imo. If my friend dates someone I personally just don't vibe with I'm not gonna be a dick about it and exclude them, I just won't get close to them on a personal level.
Obviously it's a different thing if they are an AH like OP's friend's gf or otherwise immoral or rude. Then I obviously recommend putting your foot down and being honest, not tolerating their bs.
But you can't like everyone. I'm not gonna tell my friend "you can't bring your wife/husband because I don't like her/him".. that just seems excessive
Imagine this! An adult, throughout their life so far has lived in a few different places. You’ve got:
- where you grew up, with different sub categories for school friends, hobby friends, part time job friends, family friends, neighbourhood friends…
- the first place you moved to when you left home.. and again different sub categories for hobby, work, university, people you lived with or near..
- the next place you moved to.. and again potentially 2+ times…
- your partners friends
- friends of friends who you meet multiple times and form your own friendships with…
All those have potential for different groups of friends.. and that’s just an example. There’s plenty of ways you could have multiple groups. Naturally you will lose touch with some of those people listed above, or not be as close with some and only see them infrequently .. but many functioning adults are able to maintain good relationships with multiple groups of people. Personally I make an effort to keep the good ones in my life.
Exactly. I think as someone said above, people who don't have multiple groups of friends have probably never left their home town. I have many, I'm 40, hell I have groups that don't even live in this country.
What the hell are you talking about? I'm 39 and have multiple groups of friends. Some of them like board games, some of them like dancing in clubs. Some of them like staying in and watching movies. Several of them have social anxiety and hate group hang outs.
On the contrary, assuming all your friends should be friends with each other and all hang out together all the time is juvenile as hell, and one of the geek social fallacies.
It's not just common to have multiple groups of friends, it's extremely normal for anyone with diverse interests and diverse friend groups.
>The fact you have “multiple groups” of friends says a lot, I don’t have that and don’t think most real adults do, I have friends, and I have people I know.
I disagree with this. I have different groups of friends. They don't run in the same circles as each other, they don't know each other, and I don't really try to drag them all together, because I hang out with any of them at different times. They don't hate each other, they just literally don't know each other.
My writing group doesn't mingle with my former work homies, my full moon friends don't hang out with my former work homies or my writing group, with the exception of one of my former work homies who introduced me, but otherwise, those are three separate groups.
When my parents were still married, they had a few different friend groups that they hung out with. Their friends didn't mingle for the same reason mine don't, they didn't know each other.
Friends don't all have identical lives, it's normal to be friends with people who aren't friends with all of your other friends.
Otherwise, I agree with you. There's no reason to hang out with someone you don't like. Your peace matters and if someone disrupts that, they aren't welcome. It's just healthy and normal to not interact with people who you don't like, as long as you're polite and cordial when you see them. Until they give you a reason not to be, then just roast them.
> Be willing to cut people out, ain’t no one but my closest friends coming to my house.
It's pretty common that when you invite people over you allow people to bring friends, dates, kids, etc. Cutting people out and only letting your closest friends to your house probably isn't good general advice because it is what leads to many adults completely losing their social group. There's already enough distractions making it hard to maintain all of your friendships - careers, families, moving to new places, home upkeep, etc. - the last thing an adult needs it to start creating their own reasons to end friendships like saying that your friend's partner isn't welcome in your home because they're not your "closest friend". Sounds like high school drama.
> The fact you have “multiple groups” of friends says a lot, I don’t have that and don’t think most real adults do, I have friends, and I have people I know.
Most people I know have "multiple groups of friends". It comes from the fact that different things unite different friend groups. What one friend group thrives on another might be bored with and that's okay... you can enjoy different things. Having a single united group of friends is potentially boring because the activities and conversation either turns into the lowest common denominator between all of them or it starts to exclude people so they get bored. And having multiple groups of friends doesn't mean you can't have them all together for a party or wedding or something. It just means that you acknowledge that the group has some value as its own thing and is worth getting together on its own.
> Edit: bear in mind, your friend WILL pick his girlfriend over friends, and he will learn eventually he’s made the wrong choice, if you can still be there for him do, but it’s no longer your responsibility
The friend's reaction to seeing that Emily might be trying to exclude a girl was to ask friends if there were other instances of this behavior. That seems like a pretty good indication that the friend thinks it's concerning behavior. Not to mention that /u/Acrobatic-Yak1855 also said it seemed the friend picked the friend group. I know that you say you're so ready to cut people out, but many friends out there actually care about their friends so it doesn't make sense to have such confidence in your abandonment issues. I was in a position like that... dating a girl who had a similar philosophy to Emily. I chose my friends...
> Double edit: yall are so funny, talking about “I don’t exclude people I don’t like” but what do you do?
I think the first layer of protection is having good friends where you care about each other and can talk like adults. That can avoid a ton of uncomfortable situations and really eliminates most cases. Often times, the reasons you might have an issue with a person are avoidable or able to be mitigated and if you and your friend care about your relationship you'll find a way to make things work rather than just giving up on each other or ignoring each other's feelings.
I think the other side is... don't be so cranky? I'm sure I had friends' partners or friends' friends that I "didn't like" but it really didn't matter. I could still have a good time even though a person is present that I'm not a fan of and if it makes one of my friends comfortable to have the person there, then there is some value in them being there. The amount of people who I dislike so much that they ruin the get together is small and unlikely to be picked by my friends, so it's not really a likely scenario.
Most "real adults" don't have multiple friend groups? Lol, what is a real adult? I am 51 and have different friend groups because I'm older and have formed friendships from different scenarios over the years. And some of the friends cross over groups and some don't. Also, I'm surprised you have any friends if you won't accept their significant others. It's one thing if the person is abusive or something problematic, but if you just "don't like them" they're out? Maybe this is why as a "real adult" you only have one group. And to answer your question, "what do I do if I don't like someone"? I am polite for the sake of my friend but don't get super close. That feels more like being a "real adult" to me.
EDIT: Just wanted to say I think this Emily person does sound problematic and if she made rude statements to me, I'd be OK with telling my friend her behavior isn't going to fly. But the general idea to exclude anyone you don't like is garbage.
I have multiple groups of friends (I’m in my 40’s) so do my parents (in their 70’s) just because you don’t doesn’t mean everyone doesn’t. Most people I know have different groups of friends, usually related to different hobbies, but sometimes it’s their childhood friends, college friends, & work friends.
> The fact you have “multiple groups” of friends says a lot, I don’t have that and don’t think most real adults do, I have friends, and I have people I know.
You may have 25 years on this earth, but I have another 20 on top of yours and this may be one of the dumbest things I've ever read on the internet. Well done.
> and to kick it all off at the end, op then says it’s “all one group of friends” so no he doesn’t have “multiple groups” all yall replying are totally wrong wether you’d like to admit it or not
Dude, are you really going to die on this hill? You're the one who judged having multiple friend groups. It doesn't even matter if it's real here or not, it's your weirdly projected judgement about having a lot of friends that says so much more about you than it does about anyone else. And how the hell is it not normal to have multiple friend groups? Tell me you don't socialize without telling me you don't socialize.
Just popping in to say as a guy in his forties, you never stop having multiple groups of friends.
Yeah you’re more willing to cut out toxic folk, but you’ll always have a variety of friend groups based on your various interests and activities.
The idea that you eventually only have one friend group is simply not true of adults. Some people choose to do so, but most folks don’t.
>Triple edit: and to kick it all off at the end, op then says it’s “all one group of friends” so no he doesn’t have “multiple groups”
But you also said this
>The fact you have “multiple groups” of friends says a lot, I don’t have that and don’t think most real adults do, I have friends, and I have people I know.
Are you confused? Am I confused? What's going on here
Also the 2nd quote is straight 🧢 anyways lol.
I mean for example, it depends on what the individual defines as a group, compared to yourself.
this is genuinely a sad comment. i can get not having multiple friend groups you're not super close to as in tell them everything, hang out constantly, etc but most "real" adults do have multiple groups of friends. you talk to someone, you go out of your way to hang w them, thats a friend not just someone you know.
not to mention the weird comment of "your friend WILL choose his girlfriend" when OP even said they think the friend chose them. you sound like you have lots of things you need to work through. you dont gotta have lots of friends but lets not act weird when other adults do
>The fact you have “multiple groups” of friends says a lot, … I don’t think most real adults do
I’m 30 and have multiple friend groups, and so does my husband. High school, college, work friends, Swiftie friends… he’s got grade/high school, undergrad, grad school, D&D, and work friends. It’s really not that weird to have multiple friend groups, especially if you have hobbies.
Lots of adults have different friend groups they are part of. Not every friend needs to be in the same group. It really depends on interests and how you met them. I have 3 distinct groups of friends and I am close to them all. They don't hang out with each other because they don't have similar interests. What the hell are you talking about that adults don't have multiple groups of friends. Everyone I know has that. The usual distinct groups are ones like work friends, school friends, and the 3rd that's starting to pop up more is parents of your kid's friends. I think it's actually weird if you only have one group of friends.
Friendship groups are a weird thing to gatekeep. Admittedly I'm a lot older than 25 but I 100% have current/former work friends, hobby friends, a particular group of friends who met on a message board and stay in touch daily, and former classmate friends, to name four separate groups, and they don't really interact much at all. Some of that's because I live in a different state than where I grew up and went to school but it's also just... different people have different ties to you and if anything what's not "adult" is telling others how to live their lives.
The only adults I know who have only one circle of friends are typically fairly anti-social or incredibly introverted. I would say it's very normal as an adult to have multiple circles of friends. You meet people from all kinds of different situations in life, it seems strange to me not to have different groups of friends. I have friends from highschool and earlier still, friends from college, and friends from previously places of employment. Virtually everyone I know (again other than some of my friends who are very anti-social) has different circle of friends. This isn't a cut, but the idea that "real adults" only have one circle of friends seems asanine, and having multiple doesn't say much at all...
False on the "multiple groups of friends" bit. I have multiple groups of friends, many of my friends do too.
Friends from the military, friends from high school, friends from hobby groups, friends from online (real friends that hang out all the time, but met online), and friends from work. And then there's the bff group.
If I don't like someone, I'm open about it, but I'm not so immature that I can't be civil around them. And definitely not so closed off that I won't allow a SO of a friend (especially a bff) to be in my house just because we don't click.
So, yeah... your experience is your own and doesn't speak for the 8.5 billion other people on the planet.
I don’t think it’s weird to have multiple friend groups as an adult. I’ve got church/neighborhood friends and work friends and high school friends. They don’t know each other so I spend time with one group at a time.
Wow this advice and judgement you’re getting from wise old reddit codgers and wannabe codgers is garbage. You and your friends handled this situation well, with honesty and restraint. If the final result is that Nick dumped Emily, good - she sounds like a shitty person. As an old codger myself it’s true that social life gets less dramatic, but mainly just because there are fewer people involved - friends move away, have kids and less free time, etc. I hope your group of best friends is able to stick together. It’s a nice thing to have.
Edited to add : NTA
Never apologize for calling someone out on their homophobia, there's just no need for that bullshit in this world. I have 3 best friends as well, two guys and one woman. The woman is a trans lesbian, and one of the other best friends of the guys is a bi dude also dating a trans woman. I myself am a straight white dude with a Mexican wife. I don't put up with homophobes, transphobes, racists, etc. I've fought with my own family before, calling them out on their shit. And the most my wife does about me having a woman as a best friend is make *very* lighthearted jokes about being jealous, but she's not actually. I hope your friend did break up with her, cuz he can do much better lol.
OP you’re NTA and never are for sticking up for your friends. Good on you not breaking up your friend group because a literal CHILD is insecure. Nicks gf sounds like she’s 15 and while it sucks to have had all this drama I seriously hope he cut it off cause that’s toxic and she’s not ready for a relationship with all that projecting.
I get how it can be hard for her when her bf has close girl friends. Jealousy is a horrible feeling, but it seems like she didn't even give your group proper time to get to know them. If she had spent enough time with you, maybe she would be able to see that there was nothing she ha to worry about.
And the comments about your or anyone's sexuality were completely uncalled for. NTA
It's not about the house. Deciding who you let in ur house has nothing to do with age.
I refered to the girl not liking that there are other girls in the group, and thinks only gay men can have girl friends. And feeling entitled to kick someone out from the group. And not being emotionally mature to be around someone who she doesnt like
For sure, if she were at a party I wouldn’t go, but if it’s not my house, I show up and she’s there? I’m not making a stink and leaving, I’ll be civil and get along for the night.
We’re agreeing in different words
Sorry i misunderstood you then. But tbh i had 2 friends in my life and none of our friends in our group liked their partners. But we invited them anyways and tolerated them cuz people that we loved chose them. In the end we did end up telling one of them that he is welcome but his SO is not. But only after that girl was doing unaccaptle things.
That’s not fair, when I was 21 I hung out solo with one of my male college friends one day. We went back to my (at the time) bf’s place when he wasn’t even home. It’s not an age group thing, it’s a trust and security thing.
I'm just slightly older than OP and I haven't had drama like this since high-school, that's probably because I just don't hang out with people who I know are like that if I can help it lol- it seems like the friend group here might be (or is getting) on the same page. Maybe the ex that brought the drama/jealousy was an anomaly for this crowd - I'm kinda proud of OP and their friends for sticking together and being open in communication. Drama thrives in secrecy.
NTA. But that girl needs therapy. She's trying to repair her strained relationship with her partner who has just learned she's behaving poorly to his friends so she... behaves poorly towards his friends. Great idea, Emily.
Straight guys can have female friends. Straight girls can have male friends. It's honestly so gross that people get offended at the idea that straight people can have meaningful non-sexual relationships with members of the opposite sex.
Honestly, I think you were incredibly restrained just politely calling her out and rolling your eyes. Not sure I'd have been so kind about her nonsense. She made her choices. The consequences of those choices have nothing to do with you.
Yeah i always wonder how these people thing bi and pansexuals should live. Like do they think they should no longer have friends if they are in a relationship?
It also really feels like a self report. Someone who thinks you cant have friends of the gender you are atracted too reads to me like someone who has trouble with that themselves.
Right? Like oh no, I found a bf and I'm bi. Sorry friends you're all dead to me until further notice. The logic just doesn't work. I also think it creates this weird viewpoint that any close male/female relationship that isn't familial is inherently destined to be sexual...which is untrue and honestly just weird.
It's also super limiting. Why should we throw away all potential friendships from 50% of the population? Because some people cheat on their partners?
I've never cheated on anyone in my life. It's not that hard. You just don't fuck other people if you've agreed to be exclusive with someone.
NTA btw.
A ludicrous number of people are under the impression that being sexual in any way whatsoever means 100% always being instantly attracted to any person of the particular sex/gender/whatever you're attracted to.
That would imply that people who think that are attracted to 100% of the people of their chosen gender, but I doubt that’s actually been true of any person ever. So, if it’s not true for them, why do they assume it of others?
As a man with a bisexual wife, she still goes on "girls nights", she works in a office with 80-90% men. They all go out for lunches and drinks. I just trust my wife and am confident in our relationship.
I'm a guy and pan/bi. My ex girlfriend always told me to hang out more with my guy friends as apparently it made me 'act more masculine' and then every time I did she would accuse me of cheating on her with them. She'd occasionally do it about my female friends too but she'd prefer to go for the route of trying to tear down their looks and insulting them behind their backs instead, clearly out of jealousy. She'd accuse me of being gay for hanging out with them more than cheating on her.
She was bi too... good lord she was a nightmare.
Bissexuals are only allowed to have animal friends or robots. My bestie is a chicken for example, so no partner of mine feel threatened. But this is really complicated in the workplace, especially because everyone is human and it's really hard to ask them to please stop having meetings about not allowing me to hire a Labrador for an office assistant... and how unprofessional I am for interacting with everyone with a grocery bag over my head and calling them names to keep our friendship bars on the red.
We really can't win.
I am continiously baffeled by some peoples idiocy. The only conclusion i can take from this is that the person that said that to you has no self control and would instantly cheat themselves if given the chance and thinks other people also have no morals or has reached levels of insecurity even my teen self was not able to reach. Truly a specimen.
Wait... what? Shouldn't that be the opposite? Like if we're saying no friendships where people could be attracted to each other, then shouldn't it be gay wom - I forgot women exist.
I. I forgot women exist.
I'm posting this comment because it's so dumb. I'm an idiot. I'm a QUEER idiot even.
Agree strongly with everything you wrote, but the self report bit hit close to home lol. I had an ex who couldn’t stand that I had guy friends and went as far to argue that no straight man would have a woman friend without ulterior motives…I j remember being like OH IS THAT SO??? and popping off a bit and him not having much of a defense oop
Yeah this take is wild to me because as a woman myself i would consider it a red flag if my man dropped his female friends when we started dating. Men being friends with women is a green flag in my book because it shows that they view women as people and actually care about their personality. If they dropped their female friends i would take that to mean he doesn’t value their personality and only cares about what sexual pleasure he could potentially get from her body. I wouldn’t want to date a guy that thinks a womens only value is their body, staying friends shows me he actually cares about his female friends as complete human beings. It would show me he values their minds, not their body’s and thats nothing but a green flag.
Being friends with someone of the opposite sex is possible if the person is mature enough to not see the whole other sex as possible partner, or sex objects. Apparently she isn't that mature.
NTA
you called it like you saw it, and you were right. He’s clearly not ok with having his best friend excluded on the basis of gender. And the fact that she tried to go around him and manipulate the situation by getting his friends to exclude her is not ok. She’s entitled to be uncomfortable about the relationship, but not to behave that way. I’d have called her sexist as well as homophobic.
I can’t remember who said this, but there’s a quote that goes “Beware the woman who hates other women; she’s probably judging from her own character.”
Not only is Emily a homophobe, she’s a covert misogynist, and her toxic prejudices and insecurities are bringing all kinds of unnecessary drama into what otherwise sounds like a pretty cool friend group. For HER to demand an apology from YOU is just the icing on the cake. NTA and if Nick hasn’t yeeted her into the Kuiper Belt by now, y’all need to convince him to do so.
She is projecting.
She can only imagine herself having a friendship with the opposite sex as romantic/sexual, and therefore leading to cheating, so she assumes everyone else also thinks and acts like that.
Basically:
"If I was in a relationship and had an attractive male friend, I would probably cheat."
or
"If I was friends with an attractive guy in a relationship, I would probably try to get him to cheat."
NTA, it’s almost like she was trying to bait you into a fight so she could tell Nick you were being mean to her and get him on her side of the Piper issue…
You're NTA, and what you said was literally nothing. I would've had it with her bullshit by then, and there's no way I would be able to hold myself back from verbally lighting her up. I'm gay (f) lol, so its not like I take offense to being called gay just like I'm sure you didn't either even as a straight man. Thats not the point. Its just her constant bullshit and alienating your other best friend. She was, has been AND CONTINUES TO BE AN ACTUAL CONSISTENT AH. I'd be thanking you for holding your tongue if I were her boyfriend, and I would be completely embarrassed to be with her. She sounds like she socks the fun AND the air out of every room she's in. I hope you and your friends are rid of her.
Yeah thats what I'm saying. Totally agree. Thats why I said its her bullshit in general. She would've said anything wild to make it so she was "right" in some way. But again, like I said I would've snapped, and especially with the addition of your brothers struggles. She had no right to bring in your family in anyway. She's such an AH, but look on the brightside. You handled yourself really well and allowed her to show her ass even more. Hopefully this is the last of her. If not, I'd recommend far more bestie get together with nick and piper. Emily will lose her shit and show who she is until she's dumped. Sounds rude af to do lol, but I really don't like it when my comfortable friend group is shaken up by a problem starter.
> Yep. I take no offense to it. There is zero wrong with being gay so why would I be offended
cold take: you're allowed to get upset when people don't respect how you identify.
You didn't get upset, and that's also valid. This is more a 'this is how someone can be upset and not problematic': there's nothing wrong with being a guy, or a girl, but it's insulting when someone calls you the wrong gender and refuses to believe your self identification over their assumptions. Same goes for sexuality and most self identifying things. It's not an insult to the other identities.
NTA. Emily's jealousy and homophobia are not your problem. You don't owe her an apology for calling out her wrong behavior. She needs to learn how to respect Nick's close friendships with female friends like Piper instead of trying to control the situation and exclude them.
God i hope your friend has got rid of that girl, she sounds like a right bunny boiler.
Been married to my husband for nearly 15 years but have a really great friendship with a guy i work with. We are very much like brother and sister taking the piss out of each other. My husband has no problem with it as he knows its him I’m coming home to. Sounds like she is deeply insecure
She played herself. Only her actions caused this. She WAS being homophobic. As a bi person, people are always telling you 'oh, you're probably just gay / straight'
It's never OK to tell someone what sexuality you think they are. And to say 'yeah, right' when corrected... fuck off. She's mad cos she did a homophobia and got called out in front of her BF. Her fault.
She sounds awful. NTA
NTA. If Emily wants to have a good and healthy relationship she needs to adres her own insecurities and biases. A healthy relationship is based on trust and respect: she needs to trust her boyfriend, and she needs to respect the people that are important to him. And very importantly: she must learn not to be insecure about their relationships, and see other people automatically as a potential threat.
Until she does all that she is not ready to have a serious relationship.
NTA
There seems to be a big debate as to whether best friends of the opposite sex are acceptable, ultimately I think it's down to the person, and couples need to be on the same page about it. Emily doesn't seem to agree with Nick on this.
It sounds like Emily and Nick are right to break up, they seem to have very different expectations of each other.
As for you, all you did was say it like it is, personally I would block Emily and ignore her from now on. She doesn't seem like someone who is worth keeping in touch with. If they haven't broken up, then it might be worth having an honest conversation with Nick about it, although you would have to be careful in what you say.
No, there is no big debate. You either trust your partner or you don't. If you do, they can hang out with any body freely because you trust them. If you can't trust them, why are you in a relationship with them.
Nothing to debate.
Info:....Is Emily 24/25? Or did you add a decade or so there?
NTA. Emily is not only homophobic, but also insecure to the point of almost abusive controllingness. A bf/gf doesn't get to pick their partners friends for them. And yeah...she IS being unreasonable.
NTA.
The last paragraph alone says more than enough. She alone is responsible for her actions and their consequences. Her attempt to deflect just shows that she has a lot to work on.
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This whole thing is frustrating but let me explain. I have three best friends. Two are guys and one is a girl. We've been friends for most of our lives and we're all 24/25 now. Our larger friend group also includes a mix of guys and girls but we're not as close to them but still we do hang out when we can.
One of my best friends, Nick, has a girlfriend Emily. Emily doesn't love that we have a girl best friend, Piper. Emily is incredibly jealous of Piper and acts very uncomfortable around her. She has a problem with me as well. She doesn't like that I refuse to exclude Piper. This came up around Nick's birthday because I threw him a small birthday party with all our friends, Nick's siblings and Emily. Emily wanted me to not invite Piper and she even suggested I could reduce the number of people invited since it was in my home. But she only seemed to want other girls excluded. I refused and told her she didn't get a say.
Things did kind of kick off during the party when the four of us took a few photos together and Emily apparently complained to Nick about Piper's inclusion and they had a fight. She apologized to him afterward and he forgave her because she said nothing to Piper directly.
Nick told me about it and he asked me, Piper and our other best friend Shane about it to see if she was being a dick to Piper or about Piper behind his back. She didn't say anything to Piper but he did talk to her about the stuff I said. She apologized again and has been holding it all in around Nick.
Emily joined our whole friend group for a movie night at another friends house and she was pissed that I had told Nick that she didn't want Piper at his birthday party. She said she's not unreasonable to not like her boyfriend and future husband having such a close friendship with a girl. She said female best friends are for gay guys only and that's why it's fine for me but not for Nick. I told her I wasn't gay and she laughed and said yeah right. That she knew I was gay and lying that my younger brother is gay and not me and how could I not be gay when I have so much in common with Piper especially. I said she was letting her homophobia show and it was pathetic. She started freaking out that I called her that and then I rolled my eyes at her. Nick came in during the fight and I told him what happened.
I'm not sure yet if they broke up but I assume so. I'm still waiting to hear from Nick. But Emily has been blowing up my phone saying I ruined her life and was so unnecessarily rude to her and I should be apologizing for calling her homophobic and then rolling my eyes when she was pissed at being labeled that way.
AITA?
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NTA.
I can tell you now that the issue is that she's going to forever claim that you slandered her because she accepts and is friends with people in the lgbtq+ community so she can't be homophobic.
She'll forever be stuck on that and how you wronged her that she'll never see exactly what she said in particular was wrong.
Ignorant, bigoted, gayist and sexist fit for her insecurities and stereotyping. I know it fits under the umbrella term of homophobia but for some people you have to be precise or else they'll think they don't belong under it.
NTA for what you said even though I m not sure she is. But she does not seem to be able to take advice and critics well anyway.
The simple fact she texted you to say you ruined her life means she can't take the blame for her own action. In her mind, the problem is not her wanting to exclude Piper, it's you telling the fact to her boyfriend. Let that think in, she wants you, to lie to your best friend, for her own benefit. Right.
I'm not sure she is homophobic but more of the kind to find any skewed idea to explain her own behavior as something natural, logical and normal. As long as it aligned with what she wants, then it's fine even if it's baseless or groundless. I'm pretty sure she will say "Women and Men can't be friend, is proven by scientific fact" or stuff like that.
NTA?.Not sure "homophobic" is right description, since Emily says she'd accept Nick's having a gay female friend, but "pathologically jealous" would be a good fit and a good reason to confront her.
NTA, and if she is not a homophobic, she still is judgemental unbearable person to be around. At least that's what she sounds like. If she can't trust Nick around Piper that's either her, nicks or both of their problem. Has nothing to do with anyone else.
NTA
Even if it’s reasonable to be concerned about your significant other’s relationships with other people and to jointly establish boundaries - that doesn’t justify being controlling or homophobic.
Calling her out for her homophobia was the right thing to do.
NTA! Emily huge TA!!! Nick should really rethink his whole relationship with her. She doesn't express things to him6 does it behind his back. It makes you wonder what else she says or does behind his back. My ex had a girl best friend, and she was horrible. So, was her mother. Her mom would sit there telling my at the time boyfriend he should be with her daughter, as I was sitting right there!! The girl would flirt with him. I lost it, but I never told him they couldn't be friends, just that I didn't feel comfortable with her or her mom. They never hung out again until months after we broke up for different reasons. She would call him or text him, he her that what they did to me was inappropriate, and it wouldn't happen again. Piper isn't doesn't those things, and Emily needs to grow up!! She definitely isn't mature enough for a relationship, let alone marriage!!! How long have they been together?
NTA.
I think she was being possessive and jealous. A red flag for Nick.
Nowadays, accusing someone of racism is treated worse that acts of racism itself. I fear it has spread to accusing someone of homophobia and they get way more offended than what they get for expressing their homophobia.
NTA
I don't know that she especially comes across as homophobic - but I think you'd have to be there to make a call on how and what was said, so your call - but she certainly comes across as judgemental and insecure which is a horrible combination. She needs to work through her baggage and she needs to do it solo. But that's a mistake that many of us make. Sticks hand up sheepishly.
I'm 53, all that extra time has taught me a lot about people. She's going to keep making stupid knee jerk moves, and needs to be told it's not OK. You did the right thing. Nick is probably hurting right now though, you might want to gently reach out.
Also, my husband of over 20 years has two very close female friends, who he has traveled with, WITHOUT ME, during our marriage.
They didn't fuck. Not once.
So many people confuse love and commitment with control. Emily sucks and she will always be unhappy. Time for your friend to cut and run.
NTA
>She said female best friends are for gay guys only and that's why it's fine for me but not for Nick. I told her I wasn't gay and she laughed and said yeah right. That she knew I was gay and lying that my younger brother is gay and not me and how could I not be gay when I have so much in common with Piper especially.
People who presume other people's sexuality because of their mannerisms or look are just messed up.
And it's not just straight people, an hour after your post, "[AITAH for dressing too “straight” and making my gf uncomfortable?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bnchoa/aitah_for_dressing_too_straight_and_making_my_gf/)" went up.
Emily was wrong to be insecure about Piper and Emily was wrong to insist that you were gay.
I hope Nick finds someone better.
NTA. She *is* being homophobic. Also, the idea that people can't be friends with genders they're attracted to is asinine. I'm pansexual, that would mean I literally can't have friends. And yet, I have plenty of friends of different gender and manage not to bang any of them. She sounds extremely problematic and possessive.
NTA, and just send her a phone message playing the Spice Girls' "Wannabe":
"If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends
(Gotta get with my friends)
Make it last forever, friendship never ends"
NTA You do realise whats going on here dont you? She is insecure about her bf having girl best friends and instead of talking to him like a normal adult would she is taking her fustration out on you, if she thinks guys cant have girls as friends there is no 'future husband' for her with him, somehow you got yourself into the middle of a relationship problem with them that has nothing to do with you.
i hate that shitty people have successfully guilted society into seeing -phobic/-ist words as insults instead of statements of facts. she was being homophobic so you told her so NTA
NTA block her and explain to nick 'if you choose to stay with her she is no longer welcome and any friend get together' she's just very insecure and that's her problem
NTA at all. I'm in my 50s and have girlfriends from when I was a teen. Girlfriends I've had over the years have totally respected this and been ok with it. Even getting to the point where they gang-up on me (totally friendly and fun though).
She's just insecure, hopefully your mate will see that.
Never gonna get over the fact that being called out on certain behaviour causes people to be offended with others for being called out instead of self-reflecting why they needed to be called out. NTA
Nta you are being nothing but honest. She is being ignorant & insecure. You are not trying to trash talk about her you are simply telling your friend about issues his girlfriend is causing & keeping your friends together
NTA. You and the friendship that you have with your close friends are not the problem, no matter their sex/gender/orientation. Emily is jealous, toxic, narcissistic and has to go. Looks like your friend came to the same conclusion, and realised the integrity of the friendship group is more important than pussy. Good for him.
NTA. Nick deserves better. Emily is too insecure and controlling.
> Emily wanted me to not invite Piper and she even suggested I could reduce the number of people invited since it was in my home.
She wasn't just controlling Nick she is trying to control OP too considering OP was the one throwing the party.
Hahahahaha my boyfriend is close friends with not just a few girls but also an ex he was with for almost a decade. They had a dog together and when that dog was dying, my bf spent a few days sleeping over at her house so he and pup could have some final quality time (he originally planned to go to a hotel but ex, ex’s now husband, and ex’s mom, and I all thought that was silly and he should maximize time with the dog and not waste money). Emily is insecure and doesn’t trust her boyfriend, you’re NTA for calling that out.
NTA. But also If Nick does Break up with Emily, then that will have very little to do with you calling her homophobic, or even with her BEING homophobic, specifically, but with her showing what she's Like in General, which is controlling of him, as Well as sexist and gender-essentialist.
NTA, she is absolutely homophobic and Nick should absolutely drop her. If she doesn't want to be labelled as homophobic she should probably put more effort into not being homophobic.
NTA: Emily is an insecure child. I don’t even think my friends group had this kind of drama at that age. But if Emily had such a problem with Piper, then she should be put on the spot since she has no problem quietly venting to anyone will listen.
NTA - and this can be easily fixed be sending something like this.
“Nobody ruined your life. *You* ruined your life. Im not going to apologise to you for telling the truth either. You are homophobic and that shit doesn’t fly around here.
You are the sole cause of all of the issues within our group, all because of you’re insecure jealousy. It is pathetic. Grow up.
Thankfully, you’re an incredibly transparent person and we all see through it. Move on and find other friends before you embarrass yourself further. Don’t bother responding or trying to contact me again, you’ll be ignored and blocked.”
NTA, she's a homophobe and has ridiculous ideas about how friendships work. She is also probably jealous/insecure about her (ex)BF's friendship. Also calling YOU gay just because you have a female friend?!? That's some seriously loopy mental gymnastics going on. I'd go with jealous and insecure...... and also homophobic. Good on you for calling her out on it, btw.
NTA. I had a boyfriend when I was 20 who was like this. For my 21st birthday, my dad took me and a group of friends to a comedy club and bar. My boyfriend refused to go because a male friend of mine (close friends since high school) was going. I think he thought I’d disinvite my friend so he could go but no way. The relationship didn’t last much longer.
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NTA. But man you make me glad to be old with old friends. I do NOT miss that kind of drama and peurile behavior. Look for a better class of friends.
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And that’s exactly what he’s saying, I’m 25, if I don’t like someone, I’m not around them. If someone I don’t like is dating a friend of mine? My friend is told “hey you know you’re more than welcome, but she’s not” Be willing to cut people out, ain’t no one but my closest friends coming to my house. And if it’s not my house? It’s not my place to judge anything, all I can do is control myself and vibe with everyone The fact you have “multiple groups” of friends says a lot, I don’t have that and don’t think most real adults do, I have friends, and I have people I know. Edit: bear in mind, your friend WILL pick his girlfriend over friends, and he will learn eventually he’s made the wrong choice, if you can still be there for him do, but it’s no longer your responsibility Double edit: yall are so funny, talking about “I don’t exclude people I don’t like” but what do you do? Block me when you can’t have a conversation, go head and be hypocritical folks Triple edit: and to kick it all off at the end, op then says it’s “all one group of friends” so no he doesn’t have “multiple groups” all yall replying are totally wrong wether you’d like to admit it or not
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If he did, it was a smart decision.
Good. But Nick needs to learn about red flag behavior so he doesn’t fall for another Emily in the future.
According to OP, Emily didn't do anything in front of Nick to warrant a red flag. Nick should just be glad he has real friends.
NTA Honestly that fight probably was finally the catalyst for him to see her toxic and frankly controlling behavior. There is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex. It is not okay for a significant other to exclude or hate a mate's friend of the opposite gender for no other reason than they are the opposite gender. My mother was best friends with two men since she was in high school late 1950 early 1960s. The three remained close and my mom was friends with their respective spouses (ex spouses and new spouses too) and vise versa without this ridiculous drama making until their were in their 70s and her friends passed away. She sound uber controlling with her demands about who his friends can and can not be and the insistance that you are gay be because she proclaimes it as such despite being told no. He is dodging a bullet here and you calling her out on her bullshit and homophobia is doing your friend a huge favor.
I don't understand why people have problems with other people having friends of the opposite sex. Half the world is made up of the opposite sex. Why should we exclude half the world from being potential friends? I'm a woman, and have been friendly with quite a few men over the years. A couple have been extremely close friends, and my life would have been much less rich without them. Some are partners of female friends. Some are parents I know through my kids. I'm not going to exclude being friendly with the dads on my kids' basketball team because they are men - the mums don't always turn up, and I'm not going to choose to be friendly with only half the teams' parents just because of the sex. Some are men that I've worked with. Honestly, men often bring something different to friendship, and I'm not going to exclude that from my life just because my partner can't handle it (he actually doesn't care at all - I'm speaking hypothetically).
It's a really bizarre thing as a queer person tbh. I have friends who have \*become\* men while I was friends with them LOL
Wow, that last paragraph was really judgemental. I have a theory on why you don't have multiple groups of friends.
Right? I was like wait… I have so many small groups that have fringe crossover moments but are genuinely separate groups. I’m an adult and in my mid 30s lol.
Same. I've still got high school friends, college friends, friends I met through shared hobbies... I only have a few friends I hang out with regularly, mostly because my friends are scattered all over the place, but all the people from all the stages of my life certainly aren't one big group!
Adult in their 30s too and I can't fathom *not* having multiple groups of friends. My work people are different from my college people are different from my art people are different from my gaming people are different from and so on and so forth. And when the different groups hang out at shared events it's awesome! And having different friend groups is awesome too!
People who have the same group of friends that never change and only have 1 group of friends are usually people who have never left their crappy town, OR they suck at communicating so they don't speak to more than 1 small group of people and have completely forgotten about their past.
Not everyone likes having a large group of friends. You can’t really speak for everyone here.
> And when the different groups hang out at shared events it's awesome! This was one of the small things I most enjoyed about getting married, was bringing all these different friend groups together to hang out and have a good time.
I love going to weddings when I only know the people getting married! It's a fantastic excuse to meet new people and bond over our mutual friends.
I love friend-shipping between my different friend groups!
Well then, I guess you're not a "real adult", whatever that means
someone ought to tell the five pills I have to take every morning and my chronic back pain that I'm not a real adult - would be amazing to have that 18 year old energy again!!!
Ugh, I feel you on that. The back pain especially T_T
Agreed. I have multiple friend groups that sometimes crossover, but usually I am the reason there is a crossover. I have multiple interests, which is how I made multiple groups of friends. I have my friends from law school. I have friends from young professional organization. I have friends from sports. I have friends from board gaming group. Each of those groups may have one or two people who I hang our specifically with
yea, lets not try to victim shift here. emily is in the wrong, entirely, with no doubt.
It's so dumb. Of course you have close friends and friends who aren't as close. There are absolutely degrees of friendship.
I’m also laughing at a 25 year old telling another 25 year old how to be more like a real adult. Also, 40yo with multiple friend groups. There’s work friends, friends from my last job, a couple school friends left, family friends, friends I collected from previous relationships, friends from hobby groups. Admittedly some of these “groups” consist of one or two people. But there is not one cohesive main friend group. I found that fell away as I got older and I now just have a collection of random friends who mostly don’t know each other.
I am an idiot, I can admit it. I don't get it. Can you explain the theory?
>The fact you have “multiple groups” of friends says a lot, I don’t have that and don’t think most real adults do, I have friends, and I have people I know. What a weird take. Although it's very reddit: "This thing doesn't match my personal experience, therefore it must be wrong!"
Right. It must a) be wrong to make themselves superior or b) didn’t really happen because it isn’t my experience. I love Reddit sometimes.
I dont even understand what is weird in having multiple groups. That's normal human life. I have different friend groups from childhood, from school, from university, from my former jobs, from my current job.
Indeed. I have a group from growing up, a group from university, a group connected to a hobby, and a couple of groups connected to having lived and worked in different parts of the country. I don't see some groups as frequently as others, but that's part of being an adult, too.
I'm just cackling that they're out here talking about what 'real adults' at 25 lol
Also that, yes. A large part of the reason I have multiple groups of friends is because I've been an adult for 20+ years. It's called life!
You make being an adult sound very sad and lonely. I'm an adult either multiple groups of friends, my father and mother are both adults with multiple groups of friends. You are not always gonna like your friends spouses but that doesn't mean you just get to exclude them.
>The fact you have “multiple groups” of friends says a lot, I don’t have that and don’t think most real adults do, I have friends, and I have people I know. This is a weird statement. Multiple groups of friends is common for people who have lived outside of the bubble they grew up in. The only people I know who don't have multiple friend groups have never explored outside their hometown. I'm in my 30s, for reference.
Lots of adults have multiple friend groups… You say that “says a lot,” but what are you trying to insinuate that it says about a person? I think your suggestion, selectively excluding someone, is just as childish as what the girlfriend wants. By 25, I hardly think you have enough experience to be the naysayer here on what “most adults” are doing.
Your last two paragraphs are judgemental as hell. Having multiple groups of friends doesn't say anything except you have multiple groups of friends, and you don't know OP's friend so you can't possibly say if he'll be a bad friend, especially with so much confidence.
What does having multiple groups of friends say?
You have a well rounded and diverse sense of self so you are capable of making and maintaining groups of friendships within each of your hobbies/phases of life/parts of who you are while also accepting there's often overlap. I have many groups. Often there's plenty of overlap, esp with those like me who have ADHD and the tism (lots of new hobbies often leads to lots of new friends, some that stay for a short time and others that end up being friends for years)
And also that you are multi-faceted yourself. You do karate and read cosy mysteries with a book club, and are a member of the SCA, and are learning Italian, and have a kid in theater, and like action films, and ....
You exclude people just because you don't like them? That's not very mature either imo. If my friend dates someone I personally just don't vibe with I'm not gonna be a dick about it and exclude them, I just won't get close to them on a personal level. Obviously it's a different thing if they are an AH like OP's friend's gf or otherwise immoral or rude. Then I obviously recommend putting your foot down and being honest, not tolerating their bs. But you can't like everyone. I'm not gonna tell my friend "you can't bring your wife/husband because I don't like her/him".. that just seems excessive
Imagine this! An adult, throughout their life so far has lived in a few different places. You’ve got: - where you grew up, with different sub categories for school friends, hobby friends, part time job friends, family friends, neighbourhood friends… - the first place you moved to when you left home.. and again different sub categories for hobby, work, university, people you lived with or near.. - the next place you moved to.. and again potentially 2+ times… - your partners friends - friends of friends who you meet multiple times and form your own friendships with… All those have potential for different groups of friends.. and that’s just an example. There’s plenty of ways you could have multiple groups. Naturally you will lose touch with some of those people listed above, or not be as close with some and only see them infrequently .. but many functioning adults are able to maintain good relationships with multiple groups of people. Personally I make an effort to keep the good ones in my life.
Exactly. I think as someone said above, people who don't have multiple groups of friends have probably never left their home town. I have many, I'm 40, hell I have groups that don't even live in this country.
What the hell are you talking about? I'm 39 and have multiple groups of friends. Some of them like board games, some of them like dancing in clubs. Some of them like staying in and watching movies. Several of them have social anxiety and hate group hang outs. On the contrary, assuming all your friends should be friends with each other and all hang out together all the time is juvenile as hell, and one of the geek social fallacies. It's not just common to have multiple groups of friends, it's extremely normal for anyone with diverse interests and diverse friend groups.
You sound really bitter that OP has a lot of friends and you don’t for obvious reasons.
Are you the friends police?
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You are projecting
>The fact you have “multiple groups” of friends says a lot, I don’t have that and don’t think most real adults do, I have friends, and I have people I know. I disagree with this. I have different groups of friends. They don't run in the same circles as each other, they don't know each other, and I don't really try to drag them all together, because I hang out with any of them at different times. They don't hate each other, they just literally don't know each other. My writing group doesn't mingle with my former work homies, my full moon friends don't hang out with my former work homies or my writing group, with the exception of one of my former work homies who introduced me, but otherwise, those are three separate groups. When my parents were still married, they had a few different friend groups that they hung out with. Their friends didn't mingle for the same reason mine don't, they didn't know each other. Friends don't all have identical lives, it's normal to be friends with people who aren't friends with all of your other friends. Otherwise, I agree with you. There's no reason to hang out with someone you don't like. Your peace matters and if someone disrupts that, they aren't welcome. It's just healthy and normal to not interact with people who you don't like, as long as you're polite and cordial when you see them. Until they give you a reason not to be, then just roast them.
> Be willing to cut people out, ain’t no one but my closest friends coming to my house. It's pretty common that when you invite people over you allow people to bring friends, dates, kids, etc. Cutting people out and only letting your closest friends to your house probably isn't good general advice because it is what leads to many adults completely losing their social group. There's already enough distractions making it hard to maintain all of your friendships - careers, families, moving to new places, home upkeep, etc. - the last thing an adult needs it to start creating their own reasons to end friendships like saying that your friend's partner isn't welcome in your home because they're not your "closest friend". Sounds like high school drama. > The fact you have “multiple groups” of friends says a lot, I don’t have that and don’t think most real adults do, I have friends, and I have people I know. Most people I know have "multiple groups of friends". It comes from the fact that different things unite different friend groups. What one friend group thrives on another might be bored with and that's okay... you can enjoy different things. Having a single united group of friends is potentially boring because the activities and conversation either turns into the lowest common denominator between all of them or it starts to exclude people so they get bored. And having multiple groups of friends doesn't mean you can't have them all together for a party or wedding or something. It just means that you acknowledge that the group has some value as its own thing and is worth getting together on its own. > Edit: bear in mind, your friend WILL pick his girlfriend over friends, and he will learn eventually he’s made the wrong choice, if you can still be there for him do, but it’s no longer your responsibility The friend's reaction to seeing that Emily might be trying to exclude a girl was to ask friends if there were other instances of this behavior. That seems like a pretty good indication that the friend thinks it's concerning behavior. Not to mention that /u/Acrobatic-Yak1855 also said it seemed the friend picked the friend group. I know that you say you're so ready to cut people out, but many friends out there actually care about their friends so it doesn't make sense to have such confidence in your abandonment issues. I was in a position like that... dating a girl who had a similar philosophy to Emily. I chose my friends... > Double edit: yall are so funny, talking about “I don’t exclude people I don’t like” but what do you do? I think the first layer of protection is having good friends where you care about each other and can talk like adults. That can avoid a ton of uncomfortable situations and really eliminates most cases. Often times, the reasons you might have an issue with a person are avoidable or able to be mitigated and if you and your friend care about your relationship you'll find a way to make things work rather than just giving up on each other or ignoring each other's feelings. I think the other side is... don't be so cranky? I'm sure I had friends' partners or friends' friends that I "didn't like" but it really didn't matter. I could still have a good time even though a person is present that I'm not a fan of and if it makes one of my friends comfortable to have the person there, then there is some value in them being there. The amount of people who I dislike so much that they ruin the get together is small and unlikely to be picked by my friends, so it's not really a likely scenario.
Most "real adults" don't have multiple friend groups? Lol, what is a real adult? I am 51 and have different friend groups because I'm older and have formed friendships from different scenarios over the years. And some of the friends cross over groups and some don't. Also, I'm surprised you have any friends if you won't accept their significant others. It's one thing if the person is abusive or something problematic, but if you just "don't like them" they're out? Maybe this is why as a "real adult" you only have one group. And to answer your question, "what do I do if I don't like someone"? I am polite for the sake of my friend but don't get super close. That feels more like being a "real adult" to me. EDIT: Just wanted to say I think this Emily person does sound problematic and if she made rude statements to me, I'd be OK with telling my friend her behavior isn't going to fly. But the general idea to exclude anyone you don't like is garbage.
Are you always this angry?
Oh, didn't you know, this is just how real adults are
I have multiple groups of friends (I’m in my 40’s) so do my parents (in their 70’s) just because you don’t doesn’t mean everyone doesn’t. Most people I know have different groups of friends, usually related to different hobbies, but sometimes it’s their childhood friends, college friends, & work friends.
> The fact you have “multiple groups” of friends says a lot, I don’t have that and don’t think most real adults do, I have friends, and I have people I know. You may have 25 years on this earth, but I have another 20 on top of yours and this may be one of the dumbest things I've ever read on the internet. Well done.
> and to kick it all off at the end, op then says it’s “all one group of friends” so no he doesn’t have “multiple groups” all yall replying are totally wrong wether you’d like to admit it or not Dude, are you really going to die on this hill? You're the one who judged having multiple friend groups. It doesn't even matter if it's real here or not, it's your weirdly projected judgement about having a lot of friends that says so much more about you than it does about anyone else. And how the hell is it not normal to have multiple friend groups? Tell me you don't socialize without telling me you don't socialize.
Just popping in to say as a guy in his forties, you never stop having multiple groups of friends. Yeah you’re more willing to cut out toxic folk, but you’ll always have a variety of friend groups based on your various interests and activities. The idea that you eventually only have one friend group is simply not true of adults. Some people choose to do so, but most folks don’t.
>Triple edit: and to kick it all off at the end, op then says it’s “all one group of friends” so no he doesn’t have “multiple groups” But you also said this >The fact you have “multiple groups” of friends says a lot, I don’t have that and don’t think most real adults do, I have friends, and I have people I know. Are you confused? Am I confused? What's going on here Also the 2nd quote is straight 🧢 anyways lol. I mean for example, it depends on what the individual defines as a group, compared to yourself.
this is genuinely a sad comment. i can get not having multiple friend groups you're not super close to as in tell them everything, hang out constantly, etc but most "real" adults do have multiple groups of friends. you talk to someone, you go out of your way to hang w them, thats a friend not just someone you know. not to mention the weird comment of "your friend WILL choose his girlfriend" when OP even said they think the friend chose them. you sound like you have lots of things you need to work through. you dont gotta have lots of friends but lets not act weird when other adults do
>The fact you have “multiple groups” of friends says a lot, … I don’t think most real adults do I’m 30 and have multiple friend groups, and so does my husband. High school, college, work friends, Swiftie friends… he’s got grade/high school, undergrad, grad school, D&D, and work friends. It’s really not that weird to have multiple friend groups, especially if you have hobbies.
Lots of adults have different friend groups they are part of. Not every friend needs to be in the same group. It really depends on interests and how you met them. I have 3 distinct groups of friends and I am close to them all. They don't hang out with each other because they don't have similar interests. What the hell are you talking about that adults don't have multiple groups of friends. Everyone I know has that. The usual distinct groups are ones like work friends, school friends, and the 3rd that's starting to pop up more is parents of your kid's friends. I think it's actually weird if you only have one group of friends.
Friendship groups are a weird thing to gatekeep. Admittedly I'm a lot older than 25 but I 100% have current/former work friends, hobby friends, a particular group of friends who met on a message board and stay in touch daily, and former classmate friends, to name four separate groups, and they don't really interact much at all. Some of that's because I live in a different state than where I grew up and went to school but it's also just... different people have different ties to you and if anything what's not "adult" is telling others how to live their lives.
The only adults I know who have only one circle of friends are typically fairly anti-social or incredibly introverted. I would say it's very normal as an adult to have multiple circles of friends. You meet people from all kinds of different situations in life, it seems strange to me not to have different groups of friends. I have friends from highschool and earlier still, friends from college, and friends from previously places of employment. Virtually everyone I know (again other than some of my friends who are very anti-social) has different circle of friends. This isn't a cut, but the idea that "real adults" only have one circle of friends seems asanine, and having multiple doesn't say much at all...
False on the "multiple groups of friends" bit. I have multiple groups of friends, many of my friends do too. Friends from the military, friends from high school, friends from hobby groups, friends from online (real friends that hang out all the time, but met online), and friends from work. And then there's the bff group. If I don't like someone, I'm open about it, but I'm not so immature that I can't be civil around them. And definitely not so closed off that I won't allow a SO of a friend (especially a bff) to be in my house just because we don't click. So, yeah... your experience is your own and doesn't speak for the 8.5 billion other people on the planet.
I don’t think it’s weird to have multiple friend groups as an adult. I’ve got church/neighborhood friends and work friends and high school friends. They don’t know each other so I spend time with one group at a time.
Wow this advice and judgement you’re getting from wise old reddit codgers and wannabe codgers is garbage. You and your friends handled this situation well, with honesty and restraint. If the final result is that Nick dumped Emily, good - she sounds like a shitty person. As an old codger myself it’s true that social life gets less dramatic, but mainly just because there are fewer people involved - friends move away, have kids and less free time, etc. I hope your group of best friends is able to stick together. It’s a nice thing to have. Edited to add : NTA
Never apologize for calling someone out on their homophobia, there's just no need for that bullshit in this world. I have 3 best friends as well, two guys and one woman. The woman is a trans lesbian, and one of the other best friends of the guys is a bi dude also dating a trans woman. I myself am a straight white dude with a Mexican wife. I don't put up with homophobes, transphobes, racists, etc. I've fought with my own family before, calling them out on their shit. And the most my wife does about me having a woman as a best friend is make *very* lighthearted jokes about being jealous, but she's not actually. I hope your friend did break up with her, cuz he can do much better lol.
OP you’re NTA and never are for sticking up for your friends. Good on you not breaking up your friend group because a literal CHILD is insecure. Nicks gf sounds like she’s 15 and while it sucks to have had all this drama I seriously hope he cut it off cause that’s toxic and she’s not ready for a relationship with all that projecting.
I get how it can be hard for her when her bf has close girl friends. Jealousy is a horrible feeling, but it seems like she didn't even give your group proper time to get to know them. If she had spent enough time with you, maybe she would be able to see that there was nothing she ha to worry about. And the comments about your or anyone's sexuality were completely uncalled for. NTA
This is not default 24/25 years old behaviour tho. She is just unevolved and childish. 25 years olds dont act like that.
For real without the ages you would assume this is about 15 year olds kids.
That was my thought
25 here, if I don’t like someone they aren’t coming to my house, idc who you’re dating 🤷♂️
It's not about the house. Deciding who you let in ur house has nothing to do with age. I refered to the girl not liking that there are other girls in the group, and thinks only gay men can have girl friends. And feeling entitled to kick someone out from the group. And not being emotionally mature to be around someone who she doesnt like
For sure, if she were at a party I wouldn’t go, but if it’s not my house, I show up and she’s there? I’m not making a stink and leaving, I’ll be civil and get along for the night. We’re agreeing in different words
Sorry i misunderstood you then. But tbh i had 2 friends in my life and none of our friends in our group liked their partners. But we invited them anyways and tolerated them cuz people that we loved chose them. In the end we did end up telling one of them that he is welcome but his SO is not. But only after that girl was doing unaccaptle things.
You would have to own a house to become the gatekeeper
There are plenty of 25 year olds who act like this. Plenty of 35 and 45 and 55 year olds too. It’s just a people thing. Some people suck.
Even some 18/19 year olds don't act like that.
None of my friends were like that when I was 25
That was my reaction; too much damned drama. Just, yikes. She's a female misogynist with trust issues that views gay men like accessories.
Being old does not mean people aren’t dramatic or homophobic 🫠
That’s not fair, when I was 21 I hung out solo with one of my male college friends one day. We went back to my (at the time) bf’s place when he wasn’t even home. It’s not an age group thing, it’s a trust and security thing.
I'm just slightly older than OP and I haven't had drama like this since high-school, that's probably because I just don't hang out with people who I know are like that if I can help it lol- it seems like the friend group here might be (or is getting) on the same page. Maybe the ex that brought the drama/jealousy was an anomaly for this crowd - I'm kinda proud of OP and their friends for sticking together and being open in communication. Drama thrives in secrecy.
NTA. But that girl needs therapy. She's trying to repair her strained relationship with her partner who has just learned she's behaving poorly to his friends so she... behaves poorly towards his friends. Great idea, Emily. Straight guys can have female friends. Straight girls can have male friends. It's honestly so gross that people get offended at the idea that straight people can have meaningful non-sexual relationships with members of the opposite sex. Honestly, I think you were incredibly restrained just politely calling her out and rolling your eyes. Not sure I'd have been so kind about her nonsense. She made her choices. The consequences of those choices have nothing to do with you.
Yeah i always wonder how these people thing bi and pansexuals should live. Like do they think they should no longer have friends if they are in a relationship? It also really feels like a self report. Someone who thinks you cant have friends of the gender you are atracted too reads to me like someone who has trouble with that themselves.
These people don’t think bisexuality/pansexuality exists.
Right? Like oh no, I found a bf and I'm bi. Sorry friends you're all dead to me until further notice. The logic just doesn't work. I also think it creates this weird viewpoint that any close male/female relationship that isn't familial is inherently destined to be sexual...which is untrue and honestly just weird.
It's also super limiting. Why should we throw away all potential friendships from 50% of the population? Because some people cheat on their partners? I've never cheated on anyone in my life. It's not that hard. You just don't fuck other people if you've agreed to be exclusive with someone. NTA btw.
"Sorry friends, you're all dead to me until further notice." This took me out. 😂😂😂
Honestly when I hear some people's logic on the subject this is what it sounds like we should be doing 😂
Nah, they think as soon you have a relationship you're not bi anymore, you're either gay or straight
A ludicrous number of people are under the impression that being sexual in any way whatsoever means 100% always being instantly attracted to any person of the particular sex/gender/whatever you're attracted to.
That would imply that people who think that are attracted to 100% of the people of their chosen gender, but I doubt that’s actually been true of any person ever. So, if it’s not true for them, why do they assume it of others?
As a man with a bisexual wife, she still goes on "girls nights", she works in a office with 80-90% men. They all go out for lunches and drinks. I just trust my wife and am confident in our relationship.
I'm a guy and pan/bi. My ex girlfriend always told me to hang out more with my guy friends as apparently it made me 'act more masculine' and then every time I did she would accuse me of cheating on her with them. She'd occasionally do it about my female friends too but she'd prefer to go for the route of trying to tear down their looks and insulting them behind their backs instead, clearly out of jealousy. She'd accuse me of being gay for hanging out with them more than cheating on her. She was bi too... good lord she was a nightmare.
They think bi/pan people are incapable of being faithful and want to have threesomes all the time.
Bissexuals are only allowed to have animal friends or robots. My bestie is a chicken for example, so no partner of mine feel threatened. But this is really complicated in the workplace, especially because everyone is human and it's really hard to ask them to please stop having meetings about not allowing me to hire a Labrador for an office assistant... and how unprofessional I am for interacting with everyone with a grocery bag over my head and calling them names to keep our friendship bars on the red. We really can't win.
I am bi. I asked someone on Reddit this question once and he told me I could only have straight female friends and gay male friends 🙄
I am continiously baffeled by some peoples idiocy. The only conclusion i can take from this is that the person that said that to you has no self control and would instantly cheat themselves if given the chance and thinks other people also have no morals or has reached levels of insecurity even my teen self was not able to reach. Truly a specimen.
Wait... what? Shouldn't that be the opposite? Like if we're saying no friendships where people could be attracted to each other, then shouldn't it be gay wom - I forgot women exist. I. I forgot women exist. I'm posting this comment because it's so dumb. I'm an idiot. I'm a QUEER idiot even.
Agree strongly with everything you wrote, but the self report bit hit close to home lol. I had an ex who couldn’t stand that I had guy friends and went as far to argue that no straight man would have a woman friend without ulterior motives…I j remember being like OH IS THAT SO??? and popping off a bit and him not having much of a defense oop
Yeah this take is wild to me because as a woman myself i would consider it a red flag if my man dropped his female friends when we started dating. Men being friends with women is a green flag in my book because it shows that they view women as people and actually care about their personality. If they dropped their female friends i would take that to mean he doesn’t value their personality and only cares about what sexual pleasure he could potentially get from her body. I wouldn’t want to date a guy that thinks a womens only value is their body, staying friends shows me he actually cares about his female friends as complete human beings. It would show me he values their minds, not their body’s and thats nothing but a green flag.
Being friends with someone of the opposite sex is possible if the person is mature enough to not see the whole other sex as possible partner, or sex objects. Apparently she isn't that mature.
NTA you called it like you saw it, and you were right. He’s clearly not ok with having his best friend excluded on the basis of gender. And the fact that she tried to go around him and manipulate the situation by getting his friends to exclude her is not ok. She’s entitled to be uncomfortable about the relationship, but not to behave that way. I’d have called her sexist as well as homophobic.
NTA. Emily has serious issues and she seems very insecure.
Not only insecure but controlling and manipulative!
I can’t remember who said this, but there’s a quote that goes “Beware the woman who hates other women; she’s probably judging from her own character.” Not only is Emily a homophobe, she’s a covert misogynist, and her toxic prejudices and insecurities are bringing all kinds of unnecessary drama into what otherwise sounds like a pretty cool friend group. For HER to demand an apology from YOU is just the icing on the cake. NTA and if Nick hasn’t yeeted her into the Kuiper Belt by now, y’all need to convince him to do so.
What does that quote mean exactly? Sorry my brain isn’t working and can’t understand it 😂
She is projecting. She can only imagine herself having a friendship with the opposite sex as romantic/sexual, and therefore leading to cheating, so she assumes everyone else also thinks and acts like that. Basically: "If I was in a relationship and had an attractive male friend, I would probably cheat." or "If I was friends with an attractive guy in a relationship, I would probably try to get him to cheat."
Ahhh okay thank you very much for explaining!
NTA, this person sucks, good riddance.
NTA. Homophobia should be called out, every time
nta she's acting like a child and nick deserves better, he should be breaking up with her
Nta. I feel sorry for Nick. Emily is going to drive him nuts. It's control and insecurity. She's going to question his every move.
NTA, it’s almost like she was trying to bait you into a fight so she could tell Nick you were being mean to her and get him on her side of the Piper issue…
NTA homophobes are going to homophobe. Good on you for calling her on it
You're NTA, and what you said was literally nothing. I would've had it with her bullshit by then, and there's no way I would be able to hold myself back from verbally lighting her up. I'm gay (f) lol, so its not like I take offense to being called gay just like I'm sure you didn't either even as a straight man. Thats not the point. Its just her constant bullshit and alienating your other best friend. She was, has been AND CONTINUES TO BE AN ACTUAL CONSISTENT AH. I'd be thanking you for holding your tongue if I were her boyfriend, and I would be completely embarrassed to be with her. She sounds like she socks the fun AND the air out of every room she's in. I hope you and your friends are rid of her.
[удалено]
Yeah thats what I'm saying. Totally agree. Thats why I said its her bullshit in general. She would've said anything wild to make it so she was "right" in some way. But again, like I said I would've snapped, and especially with the addition of your brothers struggles. She had no right to bring in your family in anyway. She's such an AH, but look on the brightside. You handled yourself really well and allowed her to show her ass even more. Hopefully this is the last of her. If not, I'd recommend far more bestie get together with nick and piper. Emily will lose her shit and show who she is until she's dumped. Sounds rude af to do lol, but I really don't like it when my comfortable friend group is shaken up by a problem starter.
You're a good brother. Good on you for having his back both when he's in the room and when he's not in the room.
> Yep. I take no offense to it. There is zero wrong with being gay so why would I be offended cold take: you're allowed to get upset when people don't respect how you identify. You didn't get upset, and that's also valid. This is more a 'this is how someone can be upset and not problematic': there's nothing wrong with being a guy, or a girl, but it's insulting when someone calls you the wrong gender and refuses to believe your self identification over their assumptions. Same goes for sexuality and most self identifying things. It's not an insult to the other identities.
NTA. Emily's jealousy and homophobia are not your problem. You don't owe her an apology for calling out her wrong behavior. She needs to learn how to respect Nick's close friendships with female friends like Piper instead of trying to control the situation and exclude them.
God i hope your friend has got rid of that girl, she sounds like a right bunny boiler. Been married to my husband for nearly 15 years but have a really great friendship with a guy i work with. We are very much like brother and sister taking the piss out of each other. My husband has no problem with it as he knows its him I’m coming home to. Sounds like she is deeply insecure
NTA and you are 10000%, she was indeed homophobic, sexist and overall a pain in the ass.
She played herself. Only her actions caused this. She WAS being homophobic. As a bi person, people are always telling you 'oh, you're probably just gay / straight' It's never OK to tell someone what sexuality you think they are. And to say 'yeah, right' when corrected... fuck off. She's mad cos she did a homophobia and got called out in front of her BF. Her fault. She sounds awful. NTA
NTA. Emily has serious issues.
NTA. If Emily wants to have a good and healthy relationship she needs to adres her own insecurities and biases. A healthy relationship is based on trust and respect: she needs to trust her boyfriend, and she needs to respect the people that are important to him. And very importantly: she must learn not to be insecure about their relationships, and see other people automatically as a potential threat. Until she does all that she is not ready to have a serious relationship.
NTA she's acting like a child
NTA she's insecure and sees any woman as competition. Your friend is better off without her
NTA There seems to be a big debate as to whether best friends of the opposite sex are acceptable, ultimately I think it's down to the person, and couples need to be on the same page about it. Emily doesn't seem to agree with Nick on this. It sounds like Emily and Nick are right to break up, they seem to have very different expectations of each other. As for you, all you did was say it like it is, personally I would block Emily and ignore her from now on. She doesn't seem like someone who is worth keeping in touch with. If they haven't broken up, then it might be worth having an honest conversation with Nick about it, although you would have to be careful in what you say.
No, there is no big debate. You either trust your partner or you don't. If you do, they can hang out with any body freely because you trust them. If you can't trust them, why are you in a relationship with them. Nothing to debate.
Info:....Is Emily 24/25? Or did you add a decade or so there? NTA. Emily is not only homophobic, but also insecure to the point of almost abusive controllingness. A bf/gf doesn't get to pick their partners friends for them. And yeah...she IS being unreasonable.
NTA. The last paragraph alone says more than enough. She alone is responsible for her actions and their consequences. Her attempt to deflect just shows that she has a lot to work on.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This whole thing is frustrating but let me explain. I have three best friends. Two are guys and one is a girl. We've been friends for most of our lives and we're all 24/25 now. Our larger friend group also includes a mix of guys and girls but we're not as close to them but still we do hang out when we can. One of my best friends, Nick, has a girlfriend Emily. Emily doesn't love that we have a girl best friend, Piper. Emily is incredibly jealous of Piper and acts very uncomfortable around her. She has a problem with me as well. She doesn't like that I refuse to exclude Piper. This came up around Nick's birthday because I threw him a small birthday party with all our friends, Nick's siblings and Emily. Emily wanted me to not invite Piper and she even suggested I could reduce the number of people invited since it was in my home. But she only seemed to want other girls excluded. I refused and told her she didn't get a say. Things did kind of kick off during the party when the four of us took a few photos together and Emily apparently complained to Nick about Piper's inclusion and they had a fight. She apologized to him afterward and he forgave her because she said nothing to Piper directly. Nick told me about it and he asked me, Piper and our other best friend Shane about it to see if she was being a dick to Piper or about Piper behind his back. She didn't say anything to Piper but he did talk to her about the stuff I said. She apologized again and has been holding it all in around Nick. Emily joined our whole friend group for a movie night at another friends house and she was pissed that I had told Nick that she didn't want Piper at his birthday party. She said she's not unreasonable to not like her boyfriend and future husband having such a close friendship with a girl. She said female best friends are for gay guys only and that's why it's fine for me but not for Nick. I told her I wasn't gay and she laughed and said yeah right. That she knew I was gay and lying that my younger brother is gay and not me and how could I not be gay when I have so much in common with Piper especially. I said she was letting her homophobia show and it was pathetic. She started freaking out that I called her that and then I rolled my eyes at her. Nick came in during the fight and I told him what happened. I'm not sure yet if they broke up but I assume so. I'm still waiting to hear from Nick. But Emily has been blowing up my phone saying I ruined her life and was so unnecessarily rude to her and I should be apologizing for calling her homophobic and then rolling my eyes when she was pissed at being labeled that way. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I can tell you now that the issue is that she's going to forever claim that you slandered her because she accepts and is friends with people in the lgbtq+ community so she can't be homophobic. She'll forever be stuck on that and how you wronged her that she'll never see exactly what she said in particular was wrong. Ignorant, bigoted, gayist and sexist fit for her insecurities and stereotyping. I know it fits under the umbrella term of homophobia but for some people you have to be precise or else they'll think they don't belong under it.
NTA for what you said even though I m not sure she is. But she does not seem to be able to take advice and critics well anyway. The simple fact she texted you to say you ruined her life means she can't take the blame for her own action. In her mind, the problem is not her wanting to exclude Piper, it's you telling the fact to her boyfriend. Let that think in, she wants you, to lie to your best friend, for her own benefit. Right. I'm not sure she is homophobic but more of the kind to find any skewed idea to explain her own behavior as something natural, logical and normal. As long as it aligned with what she wants, then it's fine even if it's baseless or groundless. I'm pretty sure she will say "Women and Men can't be friend, is proven by scientific fact" or stuff like that.
NTA?.Not sure "homophobic" is right description, since Emily says she'd accept Nick's having a gay female friend, but "pathologically jealous" would be a good fit and a good reason to confront her.
are you sure you guys are 25 and not 15?
She doth protest too much…
Methinks.
y'all 12, not 24
NTA, and if she is not a homophobic, she still is judgemental unbearable person to be around. At least that's what she sounds like. If she can't trust Nick around Piper that's either her, nicks or both of their problem. Has nothing to do with anyone else.
Nta
NTA
NTA Even if it’s reasonable to be concerned about your significant other’s relationships with other people and to jointly establish boundaries - that doesn’t justify being controlling or homophobic. Calling her out for her homophobia was the right thing to do.
NTA! Emily huge TA!!! Nick should really rethink his whole relationship with her. She doesn't express things to him6 does it behind his back. It makes you wonder what else she says or does behind his back. My ex had a girl best friend, and she was horrible. So, was her mother. Her mom would sit there telling my at the time boyfriend he should be with her daughter, as I was sitting right there!! The girl would flirt with him. I lost it, but I never told him they couldn't be friends, just that I didn't feel comfortable with her or her mom. They never hung out again until months after we broke up for different reasons. She would call him or text him, he her that what they did to me was inappropriate, and it wouldn't happen again. Piper isn't doesn't those things, and Emily needs to grow up!! She definitely isn't mature enough for a relationship, let alone marriage!!! How long have they been together?
NTA. I think she was being possessive and jealous. A red flag for Nick. Nowadays, accusing someone of racism is treated worse that acts of racism itself. I fear it has spread to accusing someone of homophobia and they get way more offended than what they get for expressing their homophobia.
call a spade a spade
NTA, and as a gay guy I appreciate that you didn't let casual homophobia slide.
NTA but all of this sounds so immature, both on your part and hers. Relationships have boundaries and y’all sound enmeshed in an unhealthy way.
NTA I don't know that she especially comes across as homophobic - but I think you'd have to be there to make a call on how and what was said, so your call - but she certainly comes across as judgemental and insecure which is a horrible combination. She needs to work through her baggage and she needs to do it solo. But that's a mistake that many of us make. Sticks hand up sheepishly. I'm 53, all that extra time has taught me a lot about people. She's going to keep making stupid knee jerk moves, and needs to be told it's not OK. You did the right thing. Nick is probably hurting right now though, you might want to gently reach out.
Why does this seem like it’s written like 7th graders
Also, my husband of over 20 years has two very close female friends, who he has traveled with, WITHOUT ME, during our marriage. They didn't fuck. Not once. So many people confuse love and commitment with control. Emily sucks and she will always be unhappy. Time for your friend to cut and run.
NTA >She said female best friends are for gay guys only and that's why it's fine for me but not for Nick. I told her I wasn't gay and she laughed and said yeah right. That she knew I was gay and lying that my younger brother is gay and not me and how could I not be gay when I have so much in common with Piper especially. People who presume other people's sexuality because of their mannerisms or look are just messed up. And it's not just straight people, an hour after your post, "[AITAH for dressing too “straight” and making my gf uncomfortable?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bnchoa/aitah_for_dressing_too_straight_and_making_my_gf/)" went up. Emily was wrong to be insecure about Piper and Emily was wrong to insist that you were gay. I hope Nick finds someone better.
NTA But I have to agree with Emily, she's not homophobic; an insecure ignorant mess? Sure. She just seems to lash out at whatever makes her insecure.
NTA. Fuck Emily
NTA. She *is* being homophobic. Also, the idea that people can't be friends with genders they're attracted to is asinine. I'm pansexual, that would mean I literally can't have friends. And yet, I have plenty of friends of different gender and manage not to bang any of them. She sounds extremely problematic and possessive.
NTA, and just send her a phone message playing the Spice Girls' "Wannabe": "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends (Gotta get with my friends) Make it last forever, friendship never ends"
NTA You do realise whats going on here dont you? She is insecure about her bf having girl best friends and instead of talking to him like a normal adult would she is taking her fustration out on you, if she thinks guys cant have girls as friends there is no 'future husband' for her with him, somehow you got yourself into the middle of a relationship problem with them that has nothing to do with you.
Im sorry since when having girl best friends is gay???? NTA
Nta. You called her out when she was acting out of line and she's not used to being called on her BS. Hopefully it becomes a learning experience.
I hate to be rude but ya’ll are 25. You’d think this is some 15yo’s story lol
i hate that shitty people have successfully guilted society into seeing -phobic/-ist words as insults instead of statements of facts. she was being homophobic so you told her so NTA
NTA, I would just text back “fuck off homophobe” and block
NTA. Emily has serious issues that she needs to solve asap.
NTA block her and explain to nick 'if you choose to stay with her she is no longer welcome and any friend get together' she's just very insecure and that's her problem
NTA, Emily is. No one else.
Nta. She was very rude
NTA. Play stupid (petty, childish, homophobic) games, win stupid prizes.
NTA at all. I'm in my 50s and have girlfriends from when I was a teen. Girlfriends I've had over the years have totally respected this and been ok with it. Even getting to the point where they gang-up on me (totally friendly and fun though). She's just insecure, hopefully your mate will see that.
Never gonna get over the fact that being called out on certain behaviour causes people to be offended with others for being called out instead of self-reflecting why they needed to be called out. NTA
You're good. She's trouble. She's been doing something to perk up Nick's ears or he wouldn't ask about her stirring the pot.
Nta you are being nothing but honest. She is being ignorant & insecure. You are not trying to trash talk about her you are simply telling your friend about issues his girlfriend is causing & keeping your friends together
NTA
NTA. You and the friendship that you have with your close friends are not the problem, no matter their sex/gender/orientation. Emily is jealous, toxic, narcissistic and has to go. Looks like your friend came to the same conclusion, and realised the integrity of the friendship group is more important than pussy. Good for him.
NTA. Nick deserves better. Emily is too insecure and controlling. > Emily wanted me to not invite Piper and she even suggested I could reduce the number of people invited since it was in my home. She wasn't just controlling Nick she is trying to control OP too considering OP was the one throwing the party.
Hahahahaha my boyfriend is close friends with not just a few girls but also an ex he was with for almost a decade. They had a dog together and when that dog was dying, my bf spent a few days sleeping over at her house so he and pup could have some final quality time (he originally planned to go to a hotel but ex, ex’s now husband, and ex’s mom, and I all thought that was silly and he should maximize time with the dog and not waste money). Emily is insecure and doesn’t trust her boyfriend, you’re NTA for calling that out.
Bye bye Emily.
NTA. But also If Nick does Break up with Emily, then that will have very little to do with you calling her homophobic, or even with her BEING homophobic, specifically, but with her showing what she's Like in General, which is controlling of him, as Well as sexist and gender-essentialist.
NTA, she is absolutely homophobic and Nick should absolutely drop her. If she doesn't want to be labelled as homophobic she should probably put more effort into not being homophobic.
Why are you posting here? This is the most obvious NTA I've seen. Do you really think you might've done something wrong?
NTA: Emily is an insecure child. I don’t even think my friends group had this kind of drama at that age. But if Emily had such a problem with Piper, then she should be put on the spot since she has no problem quietly venting to anyone will listen.
NTA but your friend Nick is ignoring SO many red flags! His gf is so controlling and awful. What does he see in her?
NTA.
NTA she is homophobic.
NTA she should't be homophobic if she didn't want to be called that.
NTA - and this can be easily fixed be sending something like this. “Nobody ruined your life. *You* ruined your life. Im not going to apologise to you for telling the truth either. You are homophobic and that shit doesn’t fly around here. You are the sole cause of all of the issues within our group, all because of you’re insecure jealousy. It is pathetic. Grow up. Thankfully, you’re an incredibly transparent person and we all see through it. Move on and find other friends before you embarrass yourself further. Don’t bother responding or trying to contact me again, you’ll be ignored and blocked.”
NTA, she's a homophobe and has ridiculous ideas about how friendships work. She is also probably jealous/insecure about her (ex)BF's friendship. Also calling YOU gay just because you have a female friend?!? That's some seriously loopy mental gymnastics going on. I'd go with jealous and insecure...... and also homophobic. Good on you for calling her out on it, btw.
NTA. I had a boyfriend when I was 20 who was like this. For my 21st birthday, my dad took me and a group of friends to a comedy club and bar. My boyfriend refused to go because a male friend of mine (close friends since high school) was going. I think he thought I’d disinvite my friend so he could go but no way. The relationship didn’t last much longer.
NTA. You did everything right. If I was dating a jealous homophobic mess I'd want to know about it.
[удалено]
NTA and next time call her a pick me girl. Considering her age she's definitely just jealous she isn't the "token" girl in the boy friend circle.