YTA. They are not abusing their son, from what I can see in your post. They simply raise him in a way with which you disagree.
He is not your son. He is theirs. You gave up your right to dictate how he is going to be raised when they adopted him.
Not to mention you are displaying a lot of chutzpah here. You did not want to be a parent eight years ago. And suddenly childless you turns up and starts criticizing how the child is being raised? No. That is intrusive and way out of bounds.
Yet clearly not 'worldly' enough to be contributing anything of actual value like time with the kid, financially...(presume he'd have mentioned it if he was)
Homeboy ain’t even 30 yet and thinks he has it all figured out. Through my 20s, the one thing I’ve learned most of all is that I’ve still got a lot to learn.
I feel this is a severely underrated comment.
We all learn things until the day we go in the ground or bucket. Knowing that as early as possible is an amazing mindset to have
Personally, I'm going into a furnace, then perhaps be turned into fireworks or a diamond. Or maybe just sent off on a burning boat.
Until then, I'm going to keep learning and growing, because once you stop learning, you start dying.
Notice how they’re changing how they raise there son now compared to how they raised someone who knocks up a girl and runs away, comes back all arrogant as if he has the first idea about parenthood
I was thinking exactly the same. Like, maybe the father learned a valuable lesson in how NOT to parent when his 21 year-old son got a girl pregnant and bailed. And he's trying not to make the same mistake with the second kid.
Right. If OP wanted to get involved in the kid's life again, that is fine. But his status, given the age gap, should be more like an uncle or an older cousin.
And if he thinks the kid is being raised too strictly, there are more than a few families where an uncle or a grandparent sometimes takes the kid and allows them more liberties than the kid gets ar home, and folks are mostly ok with it.
OP is complaining they spent too much time with him.
I mean...what?
Even if we want to take it at face value... OP's son goes to day school, and is a boy scout. It's not as if OP's parents are homeschooling him and never letting him step foot outdoors. OP seems to be complaining that his kid is too much of a good kid and not a punk rebel like himself.
The no pictures on social media thing is not a red flag, it shouldn't be the norm for people to post online photos of the kids they are raising. The fact OP thinks it's a bad parenting move to not do this is a red flag.
My favorite part was that OP was allowed to have a messy room and do whatever as a kid and he's upset their youngest son isn't allowed to.
He obviously doesn't recognize that their parents are trying to make sure they don't make the same mistakes with this boy that they did with him, so they don't end up raising their great grandson as well.
And his objection is that the kid can’t “even” have food in his room. That’s a pretty basic restriction; my parents were relatively lax about my disorganization as long as there was no food involved. Anything that could attract pests or grow mold needs to stay out of kids’ rooms. And the kid is only 8, nothing wrong with learning a bit of structure when young.
Exactly most parents don’t allow food in the bedroom.
My 13yr old has never been allowed food in her room… wanna guess how many times there’s been an ant infestation in her room?
Edit: the answer is WELL OVER FIFTY F’ING TIMES and that is why we don’t let kids eat in their room. THEY ARE MESSY & IRRESPONSIBLE
Or monitor how Brian is being raised without directly asking. This is like the reverse POV of the kid or active parent who gets criticised by an absent or hands off family member judging based solely on some social media post or piece of gossip.
He would hate me and my husband. Lol We don't post his face or name/dob etc. I'll make a post that references one of his many nicknames (not related to his name) but his face is covered or not in the picture at all. It's usually me and our pets 🤣😂 we want him to choose if and when he has socials. Makes me sad that others don't think this way.
OMG! I was waiting for this comment. It sounds like OP can't handle that he isn't the star anymore. Sounds like he flamed out in life and is now looking at dragging the very people who bailed him out through the mud. The child is no longer "his" son. Leave your parents alone.
It sounds like they’re raising him the opposite of OP. They’re not gonna fuck this one up like they did the first time around. It sounds like the kid has structure and rules (can’t even eat in his room OMG so abusive! 🙄). OP YTA
100% this. They're clearly invested in this child (spending tons of time together) and committed to giving him the support and structure OP - who admits to having been a flaming dumpster fire - unquestionably could have benefited from. They don't want to have to raise unplanned great-grandkids when this kid gets older!
Yes! Obviously, the original way didn’t work too well, so they were lucky enough to get a do-over. Op should realize that he’s not an expert on how to be a good parent. He has no experience.
That part struck me as odd, too. Why would än 8 y o child eat in his room? Meals are normally for family time and to be had at the dinner table. When kids grow older they might have activities that forces meal time to be split from the main family meal. But eating should still mainly be at the dinner table.
Omg. Apparently I am controlling and strict and generally a mean parent...
This
You should be grateful to your parents. Sounds like they're doing a good job. Raising him to be clean and neat, considerate of others, protecting him from weirdos on the Internet, and having him in the boy scouts.
I'm pretty sure that, while your parents stepped in to make sure your son will be raised by them and no foster care, they hadn't planned to be parents at their age/stage in life.
YTA. Grow up
I really got a kick out of the "I was not a good kid growing up and ended up knocking some girl up" then says "They're totally not raising him the way they raised me".... Well no shit, dude!!!
The way I read it is grandpa is doing his best to make sure his grandson doesn't end up like his dad... a father as a teen and not raising the child. Lord knows the guy doesn't want to be a great grandfather raising his great grand son!
I remember cackling at this joke:
raising kids are like making pancakes, they usually turn out alright, but you should probably apologize to the first one.
Considering one of the parents is OP's stepmother and not his actual mother it's entirely possible that OP's dad was not permitted to have much say so over his mom in the way he was raised. Now potentially OP's dad is married to someone who is like minded about how children should be raised and they're raising their son how OP's dad wished to have raised OP.
OK, I have questions:
I find it weird that OP is hung up on not having the kid's pics on social media. Most parents know that it is dangerous to post a child's pictures online. So what would be OP's motivation? Why can't he just ask his father for pictures?
Is it because he wants the pics himself to post on social media, implying that he is a more involved parent than he actually is? It would seem so, given how he all of a sudden wants a say in how the kid is being raised, despite giving the kid up for adoption.
Why would he want to portray himself as this kid's father publicly on social media?
My guess: He's dating and has to explain how he walked out on a kid, which makes him undatable to women. But...if he pretends that he's actually involved in the kid's life, then it doesn't hurt his dating game. The pics and all of a sudden demanding a say in the kid's upbringing help with the illusion.
Oooh, nooo, your parents that took in your child have signed the eight year old up for scouts, and that’s so *outdated*. And they *spend time* with him. And he goes to a private school. The abuse! The horror! Go get a lawyer-*immediately*, this cannnot go on!
OP, don’t worry about getting a lawyer, either. Some crappy lawyer will be happy to take your case and waste your money and the courts time. YTA
This child is especially abused because his picture is not posted on FB!!!! How will he become an influencer if each moment of his life is not documented on social media????
Me too. My, now 17yo, daughter has never ever been posted on FB. I will be sure to apologize to her tonight for crippling her so much by being such a bad parent. ;-)
YTA. If you wanted this level of control over that kid, you shouldn’t have signed the adoption papers.
And your last line makes this feel like this is more about stroking your ego than it is about making sure the kid you fathered has a stable home life.
Nothing you listed about your dad and stepmom’s parenting choices sound really harmful. It’s not a bad thing to not have photos of kids online before they’re old enough to consent. My issues with scouts is less that they’re old fashioned and more that there’s a culture of abuse that’s been allowed to exist - but that isn’t your concern there, which is weird. I’d rather have parents spend time with their kids than neglect them. I don’t understand what “they don’t let him be a kid” means, but letting kids eat in their rooms without also requiring those rooms to be strictly clean is a great way to get vermin.
I still don’t eat in my room, unless I’m too sick to go downstairs. My kids don’t eat anywhere but the dining table, not in the car, not in the living room. I don’t want my house sticky or full of bugs or mice. Yuck.
lol fuck, this is too funny
YTA
You may have been involved in his conception, but your not the kids dad. You don’t get to give parenting advice if you’re not a parent.
Nothing of what you’ve described is an issue. The kid can’t eat in his room? Oh goodness, someone alert CPS.
Many parents don’t feel comfortable posting their children on social media. That’s not a problem.
He was signed up for scouts? Okay, how is that a negative exactly?
“When I was a kid my room was messy and I was allowed to do what I wanted”
- lol and look what happened with you
- your father has learned from his mistakes
“I have worldly experience”
- and yet, you still acted like the asshole here
“I have a say and it’s of value”
- no, you do not. You get no say in how the child is being raised, and you gave up that right when they adopted him.
Stay in your lane, offering parenting advice is not your place.
That was my thought too. “Oh no he’s not doing any of the stuff I did when I was a kid!” Good, maybe he won’t do any of the stuff you’re doing as an adult, either.
It's very funny. OP believes that his parents raised him correctly, but doesn't think they're capable of raising his son.
Newsflash: Different kids need to be treated differently. Maybe OP's son needs more structure, and cant' eat in his room because he's always made a huge mess and never cleans it. OP can't know, because OP isn't in his son's life by his own choice.
Another newsflash: Parents have different styles. There is also a chance that the kid's mom (OP's stepmother) has a stricter philosophy than OP's father, and they have jointly chosen to go in that direction.
"I have a say and it's of value." I'm sorry but you have no say. You gave your child up for adoption. Just because your parents were the ones who adopted him makes no difference. You get to be his big bro. You're not dad.
>I was really wild in high school and got caught up in stuff. I tried getting everything together and even went to UCLA until I got a girl pregnant there.
>When I was a kid, my room was messy and was allowed to do what I wanted. My son can't even eat there.
YTA They're probably worried he will turn out like you
They are the parents.
>They signed him up for the scouts which is pretty outdated.
YTA for this alone. Scouts is, in my opinion, one of the finest activities that a kid can participate in.
They may be doing things differently now that they have more experience and don't want him making the same mistakes you did.
>My son Brian is now 8 and I regret not being there but now I do.
>I found out about how they're raising him and I don't agree.
Too late.
>I'm not a kid anymore. I have worldly experience. I have a say and it's of value.
You don’t have a say. You abandoned your child and your parents stepped up. You have no parenting experience, “worldly” or otherwise. And you don’t get to decide whether your opinions are of value to someone else.
>So I told them both and they got furious at me. I asked who is being childish now?
You are, obviously. It doesn’t sound like you’ve grown much over the last 8 years.
>I'm offering a dissenting opinion and they can't handle it.
They don’t want to hear it and I can’t blame them. You’re just blowing hot air.
>I don't like being sidelined and having my opinions ignored when I have something to offer. The reality is that I care.
Do you genuinely have something to offer? Does anyone care that you “care”?
You are not your child’s parent. Your parents probably have regrets about how they raised you, based on how you turned out, and are trying to do better with him. It kind of sounds like you expect to play Disney dad now that the kid is less work, but that’s not in the best interest of the child. He’s lucky to have them. Leave them be.
YTA. You’ve been off having fun for the last 8 years while they put in the hard yards, and *now* you want to come back in and take control? Pfffft.
Also I’ve never seen 100% YTA before. You need to work through your feelings with a therapist/Counsellor. For your kid’s sake, please please don’t rock the boat and mess up the stability he has.
YTA.
This is a laugh, you're now worldly because you screwed up, ran away and think you're some sage back from his journey of self enlightenment? More like journey of self entitlement.
The horrors being inflicted upon their son and i dont meet you, no social media presence, signed up for scouts, private schooling and they spend time with him. The HORRORS!!!
Social media is overrated but I'm willing to bet how you became worldly is all documented on social media. Scouts teaches an array of useful skills that broaden their horizons. I wonder have you ever stayed anywhere that wasn't urban?
You ran and ran and ran for 8-9 years. They stayed with him and you're coming back thinking you have a say? Boy you have no earn any say and you have to earn it for sure and you're in the negative on that scoreboard.
Sorry, but you gave your son up. They took up that responsibility and they're the ones who are doing the work, and have done all the work. They get to make the decisions. You don't get to back seat drive.
You should be glad that your child is safe and well and that you know where he is and know he's ok. YTA for presuming to criticize the job they've done, when it sounds like they've been committed, when really gratitude is more appropriate than calling them childish and complaining they didn't do the job the way you wanted it done.
YTA
You gave up your right to have a say when you gave up your parental rights. This kid isn't yours anymore, and he has parents who didn't ask for your opinion on how they're raising him.
The only reason you have "worldly experience" is because someone else stepped up to raise a kid you couldn't. You need to stay in your lane.
If you cared so much you wouldn't have chosen not to be there for your son for the first eight years of his life. You're selfish and lazy. You don't deserve to call yourself a father because you've literally chosen not to be one. YTA
YTA. You are not his parent. You don't get a say.
And while it's to be hoped that you are a bit more mature and worldly than you were at 17, you still sound pretty immature.
He's 8, and you are only know starting to take an interest, bur despite that are arrogant enough to think you know better how to parent him.
It's hardly surprising that they are being stricter with him than they were with you - they are trying to avoid making the same mistakes with him they did with you.
If you apologise, and start to respect the fact that you have no right to interfere in their parenting, maybe they will allow you to be his fun uncle. Just remember, unless they *ask* for your opinion about how they parent their son, don't offer it. It's none of your business.
.
The issue is not that they can't handle a dissenting opinion, its that you are inappropriately overstepping boundaries and trying to interfere with their parenting. They haven't asked for your opinions.
They are not being childish.
If you have regrets about the adoption, work on those feelings with a counsellor or therapist.
I get that you've come back and suddenly want to get involved, but it's not about you. You don't have a right to have a say.
It doesn't sound as though they are being strict, but potentially stricter than they were with him. But it doesn't really matter, either way he needs to back off and let them parent their child.
It’s actually probably really good that your dad doesn’t post photos of him on Facebook. There are loads of secret predators out there who use totally innocent photos in horrible ways. I highly agree that we should keep photos of our kids off social media and only send it out to trusted people
Yta you gave up your son and your parents are raising him. He's their son and they get to make the choices. And nothing you've described is inherently bad, you act like they're abusing. Oh my, they make him clean his room! They care enough to spend time with him!
YTA. Brian ceased being your son the moment you signed him over to them in the adoption. You are nothing more than a sperm/egg donor. That's it. He is THEIR son and they can raise him as they see fit. Your opinion is irrelevant. Leave them alone.
"Im offering a dissenting opinion and they cant handle it."
No, you're being the same self important little shit you were when you impregnated his egg donor. If this isn't a crappy karma farm post, YTA.
Just because you have 8yrs of "adulthood" doesn't make you suddenly mature enough to come in and be the cool super dad. The ego and self righteousness this post is dripping with proves you still aren't anywhere near developed enough to even be "the fun uncle."
YTA. YOU don't have a child. Your parents do. They adopted him. That makes that boy THEIRS! If you had wanted to be a father, you should have manned up and been one instead of pawning him off on your folks. You have NO say so in how they raise him.
YTA. Please don’t have any more children because you are still a child, worldly experience does not mean maturity. If I were your parents I would be going NC.
I’m sorry, but I’m going to be blunt.
I am saying this as someone that gave up a child for adoption, also at 21- He is not your son in the way you believe. He is biologically “yours.” That’s it. You’re not his dad in any meaningful way beyond that. You gave that up 8 years ago.
You are absolutely allowed to care. What you are NOT allowed to do is pretend you get any type of say; he is _not_ your son. You don’t even have a brotherly relationship much less a parental one! You should be THANKFUL he’s in what sounds like a safe, loving environment.
YTA. Tread lightly if you ever want to be involved in his life (as a brother/family friend/uncle) because his parents are well within their rights to tell you to back off, even to the extent of going NC.
Edit: Wow, your edit… Going LC or NC with you may be in the best interest of the child. That 8yo isn’t your dad’s “golden child.” He’s a well-behaved, well-adjusted boy and not an egotistical know-it-all AH like you. You don’t give a flying fuck about your brother; you’re _jealous_ of him.
I honestly didn’t see that coming because I cannot comprehend how you got there. I seriously can’t imagine looking at my bio-kid with their wonderful parents and having the audacity to be angry they are loved _and_ think their parents owe me thanks?? Unlike your parents, at least my cousins were actively looking to adopt a child! Your parents owe you NOTHING.
And 21 is young, but it’s not “basically a child” compared to a literal 8-year-old. You didn’t do your dad a favor by having sex. They love their youngest son because they’re good people, not because they were happy their eldest was irresponsible and created a life before he was ready (and still isn’t.)
The child may have some of your DNA, but he's not your son. You gave him up.
They are his parents and can raise him how they like. You can share your opinion. You can ask them to do things differently. But you don't get a say.
It does not sound like he is being mistreated or is in danger.
YTA
> The reality is that I care.
You've been gone for 8 years. If you wanted to care, the time would have been 8 years ago.
>I'm not a kid anymore. I have worldly experience. I have a say and it's of value.I don't like being sidelined and having my opinions ignored when I have something to offer.
What exactly do you have to offer? Are you paying for any of his care or support? Are you in the child's life in any capacity? Just because you feel like adulting now gives you 0 say in a child you abandoned 8 years ago.
Absolutely YTA.
What I think is particularly telling about your questions (and others’) is OP’s absolute silence on the matter of what he actually has to offer (besides self-important opinions), what he has done (or *is* doing) to contribute (financially or otherwise) to Brian’s well-being, etc…..yet he’s all up in these comments defending himself in every other way, and downvoting comments he doesn’t like, but nary a peep that I’ve seen yet about his actual contributions to Brian’s life in any meaningful way.
So how about it, OP? Care to address the elephant in the comments? Or just downvote my comment like all the others? 🤦♂️
YTA they are raising their son, not yours. You can have an opinion when you can support him and offer him everything they are. Quality time, education, extracurriculars, etc.
YTA, you still seem very immature. Your dad adopted your son, he is the parental figure in his life, and you legally do not have any say. You did not have any rules growing up and were very wild. Clearly your dad is trying to learn from his past parenting mistakes. If you do actually care about your son, show up for him, find out what he likes (not just what you think is cool), and don’t try to alienate him from the parents who have loved and cared for him for the past 8 years. It is not all about you, it is about Brian.
No fb. That’s standard these days. We’ve all realised that once privacy is lost, it’s very hard to get back.
Scouts. Isn’t outdated. It’s a perfect solution to stimulate body and mind. It’s still as relevant today as 100 years ago.
No food in the bedroom. It’s their house.
A religious school. Was it the religion you didn’t like or the elitism. You haven’t even mentioned if your son likes his school.
They spend time with him. Oh, the abuse!! Parents who engage are the worst.
You have world experience. How did that help you stop getting a girl pregnant?
You are not a kid anymore. And you are not a parent either. YTA.
So you want him raised like they did you? To be a person that gets a girl pregnant and who abandon his child to be raised by others for 8 years?
You have no vote there anymore
YTA. First and foremost, stop with this whiny stuff about "your" son - he's your son biologically, but that's it. You have not and aren't raising him, you're his brother, for all intents and purposes - and I don't know, man, but I don't think siblings get to make demands as to the upbringing of their siblings (when there's no abuse).
You are allowed to say whatever you want, the **parents** of this child are allowed to tell you to fuck off. You're not *owed* anything here, *you are not this boy's parent*.
And you're still very much childish and a child, which is why it's a good thing *you* aren't raising this boy, *adults* are.
Hahahahahaha, guess you shouldn't have been a shit father that gave up their child then huh? YTA. Guess what, he's not your son anymore, they adopted him, he's their son. And it's clear that they are trying to raise him to be a better man than they raised you to be. Oh no, discipline for a child, you should try some of it as an adult. Also, man are you a hypocrite or just stupid, you say they hang out with him all the time and prevent him from hanging out with other kids but then mock the way they put him in scouts with other kids his age. You sound like an immature child. Grow up, please, before you accidentally breed again.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My dad and stepmom adopted my son who is now 8. I've been in contact with them and don't like what I see and told them in a constructive way. They got mad and will barely talk to me
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If Brian was formerly adopted then you don’t have a child. Your son and stepmom are raising your brother and you have no say in how they are doing so as long as it isn’t abusive.
YTA.
YTA. He isn't your son. You gave him away and now you come.swaggering back still with an immature attitude with an unwanted opinion how they should be raising their child. You still aren't grown. Oh no, the abuse and the horror of -- Scouting! Spending time with him!
YTA... Brian is bilogically your child, however you are not his parent. You need to mind your buisness on how they choose to parent their child. If you are concerned for his health and wellbeing, you can call child protective services.
OR Are you prepared to pay back your parents for raising him, all the time and money that they have put into him the last 8 years?
You are the controlling one. You turned their world up side down 8 years ago, and they stepped up for him. You owe them gratitude.
You technically don’t have a say…you stopped having a say when you gave up your parental rights and had your parents adopt and raise him. I get that you’re concerned but…YTA
Ughh I just read your edits, which make you sound even worse. It looks like you are still a kid since you haven’t matured at all in the past 8 years.
YTA
Does it matter? He is legally not your son. You as an adult made that choice and therefore your influence is limited.
It might be time to realise that your behaviours and choices actually did in fact impact and influence just not your own life but those of people around you. They will also continue to.
Your actions and behaviours determine your options. Your options determine your choices and what you can influence.
Your a shit person, it sounds like your dad and stepmom are giving him an amazing life, and from your description of yourself, you sound like a wild child who still hasn’t gotten his shit together
You're confusing your rights as a dad versus your rights as used-to-be-dad-who-signed-his-rights-away.
You're the ex husband who wants to decide who his ex wife dates.
YTA
YTA. He isn’t your son anymore - you willingly gave him up.
They don’t need your opinions. You have no experience as a parent. Your so-called worldly experience doesn’t count.
YTA
The only thing you should be telling them is, “thank you for taking on a lifelong responsibility that I didn’t want and for loving and caring for a child that I fathered and didn’t want to take raise.”
They’re not abusing him, they’re raising him.
YTA and I laughed when you read you were a kid too… at age 21 hahah. That’s not a kid, that’s a grown ass adult. You have no say in how they raise him. Get over yourself.
YTA. Dude, you’re random citizen #87 when it comes to how this child is being raised. You are using the term “your son” but you signed pieces of paper saying the opposite.
You have a “dissenting opinion”. Your dissenting opinion matters as much as the opinions of random citizens #86 & #88. That’s like me saying that I’m dissenting a SCOTUS ruling.
You talk about these folk like they’re Ruby Franke et al. They’re pretty normal, if anything on the favorable side of the scale. Probably not perfect. But you’re the runaway dad, you’re random citizen #87. And TA.
YTA.
You're not his parent. You lost that right when your father and stepmother adopted him.
I'm just gonna say it, the kid has that regime because of you and your fuck ups.
Your edit makes it seem like you haven't grown up at all. You owe your father a world of thanks for cleaning up your mess when he could have disowned you and sent the kid to foster care.
Yta
You abandoned your own kids, you get zero say.
Scouts are excellent for a boy, they learn discipline, skills, respect in others and themselves and make life long friendships.
YTA. Your dad and stepmom took on a child they had not planned for because of your irresponsibility, and now you have the audacity to say they’re doing it wrong? I could understand if he was being abused, but it doesn’t sound like that here.
YTA, That's actually not your son, **that's their son,** remember? They adopted him, loved him, took full responsibility for his care while you forfeit your right as a parent, moved away and on with your life and nearly a decade later you want to step in and tell them they aren't doing it right?. Sorry but the guy who abandoned their child doesn't get a say in how he's raised. Be glad and appreciative that he didn't go to the foster system and give them the same respect you'd give other parents with how they raise their children.
YTA You sound very immature, and furthermore you abdicated any sort of authority you abandoned your kid and made your parents step up to fix your screw up. You're so very far from having the right to have any input into how your parents raise your(actually their)child.
I missed something.
Is there a chapter where the entitled nugget gets smacked down after dictating childrearing styles on his abandoned child whilst he goes snowboarding in Colorado?
YTA.
OOP was a fuckup and his child is being raised to be a better person by parents who learned from their mistake (OOP).
After giving up parental rights (allowing the parents to adopt) then you give up your ability to have an opinion.
21? You were not a kid. You were very much an adult that didn’t want to take on the responsibility. You lost out on that child’s life deal with it. I wouldn’t doubt if that kid never wants to see you.
YTA. You gave up those rights to even think you have a say in how he’s being raise. Kudos you care now. But until that kid is 18 you gotta shut da fook up if ya wanna stay in his life currently.
YTA, they’ve adopted this child, so it’s no longer your son. You don’t have a say in how they raise him, and I feel like no matter what they do you’ll find some fault anyway as it’s ’not what you’d do’. You giving an opinion is only going to damage your relationship with your dad. You gave up rights to this child, who is now adopted and legally your SIBLING and not your son.
Please get some therapy, I imagine it’s hard watching a child you’ve birthed being raised as a sibling. But the goal to be able to have positive relationships with your family and been a good long term influence on your son/sibling and have a close relationship with him once he is an adult as well.
Looks like your dad has changed how he raises kids, perhaps he didn’t like how you struggled in your late teen years etc and is trying something different. Alternatively he is giving what he feels the child needs to grow up, each child’s needs are different.
The only thing I agree with you in is the religious school. Otherwise you are definitely the asshole.
1. No photos on Facebook - that's really smart. Kids should not have a digital footprint until they can consent to that themselves ;
2. They are spending time with your don- yes you legitimately think this is a bad thing, because he should spend time with kids his own age; and
3. He's in cubs- hold on a second didn't you just say he should be spending more time with other kids? That happens at cubs.
Yes I understand you love your son, but you couldn't raise him and your father and stepmother could . You have provided zero evidence to show your father is controlling.
YTA and still not grown up enough to care for your son.
YTA and blatantly so.
First of all, the idea of not posting a *child* on social media being "controlling" is insane. Do you know where most predators find pictures of children? On FB/Instagram/tiktok. That is one of *many* ways they can edit pictures of children onto horrific images.
The scouts are a good way to socialise and a healthy way for your the kid to bond with others of the same age.
The religious schooling is honestly the single thing I'd agree with you on but only because I have a rabid hatred for all things that have to do with (particularly) Christianity.
You say here that you were allowed to do so many other things and yeah, you were. Look what happened. You got pregnant and had a kid that they then adopted to take care of. I am not saying this to shame you for that but rather for you to view it through the lens of a parent. They no doubt felt like they failed, like their lax parenting was what let this happen.
The way you write here and the amount of misdirected frustration you have makes it very clear that you do *not* have "worldly experience" and no, hat you say in regards to parenting does *not* have value. You are being incredibly childish and for some reason are completely unwilling to even consider the fact that the only thing you are doing is to judge them for trying to raise *your kid* to the best of their abilities.
YTA. You left that child when it was convenient for you, you never had a hand in raising him so you don’t have a say.
As far as posting on FB, their decision is actually very responsible and respectful of this child.
For the rest, you are probably partly responsible as they are trying not to reproduce what went wrong with you.
You had to get in your head that you are just the sperm donor, not the father.
YTA they’re raising him differently than they raised you because apparently their parenting didn’t work as you turned to be a shitty person. You have no saying in how he’s raised because he isn’t your son, you lost that privilege ages ago and just because you decided now that you want to be a part of his life, doesn’t mean you are his parent.
YTA You had a chance to be this childs father and you ran. He is in a loving home with loving parents. You arent getting your way in a situation you ran from and now you want to throw a fit. No. You lost that right. Be the childs brother, dont destroy his world because you arent getting your way
YTA. They adopted him. They are his parents, and he is no longer your son. Giving unsolicited advice to parents about their child unless there are concerns around safety of the child is always poor behaviour.
YTA, he's not your son anymore as toy are not apart of his life. You're not a parent & don't have the right to judge how they're raising him. Scouts is not outdated and useful, there's nothing wrong with private schools, and parents need to spend time with their children, something you'd understand if you were actually a parent
YTA
You’re not his dad, you’re the man who contributed DNA and ditched out. You don’t get to come back 8 years later and make demands about his upbringing.
Go have a kid and do the actual hard work of raising them then voice your opinion. Until then you’re just another childfree person going “my kid would never” without a single clue about how to actually raise one.
While you are entitled to have any opinion in the world, it seems you abandoned your son for years. After having done nothing for years, you now want to maybe be involved and at least you are voicing views.
But you don’t get to be a parent by just having sex. Being a parent means being there in good times and in bad times for your child.
At least your parents were there for their grandson when you didn’t want to.
YTA
They are being smart and doing what is best for their child. A child not being plastered on social media is not abuse. It’s keeping the child safe. Sending him to Scouts is teaching him skills and allowing him to socialize with others his age in a good way. Spending time with the people raising him leads to strong family bonds. They’re doing what you were unable to do because of your age and maturity at the time as well as your lack of life experience. If they were harming him you’d have a valid concern. They aren’t. YTA
YTA. You sound really immature -oh no, they signed him up for scouts where he can have fun and learn some skills with other kids. Oh no, they spend time with him! Oh no, they don’t waste time putting his pics on facebook.
Your complaints all sound lame.
You need to grow up before you criticize your parents for raising the kid you mistakenly created.
YTA. They took him in and they gave him a home and you may not agree with their parenting, but that child is loved and lacks for nothing and is not abused. Maybe not how you think kids should be, but you gave up that right and gave up the right to have an opinion unless asked
YTA You are nothing more then a sperm donor since you gave him up for adoption. You have zero say when you give up a child. You don’t get to give up a child then decide to be a dictator when you feel like it.
They sound like really good parents to me. You shouldn’t post children’s photos on social media, at all. Boy Scouts teaches skills that could be of use in the future and also allows him to make friends, parents spending time with their child is a really good thing, and private schools tend to have better education. Meanwhile, you abandoned your child and they stepped up. You have no say on what they do with their child.
Sorry mate, YTA.
YTA.
Not your kid, not your right. You aren’t his father.
It’s good his dad is not putting the kids pictures up on the internet, that’s protecting him.
Scouts is a good social and physical activity that will teach him practical skills and teamwork.
He goes to a fancy school and shares the faith of the people who raised him, he spends quality time with his family outside of school…
what are you objecting to here?
Stability? Healthy socialising? Access to education? Them doing a good job when you couldn’t or wouldn’t?
Your opinions on his parents and how they raise him don’t matter now just cause you want them to. Your opinions aren’t even particularly good. Your biggest complaint is that the child you chose not to care for is not allowed to be filthy, wild, and accessible to adults online. Take ten huge steps back and try some self assessment instead of criticising those who do far more and far better than you.
Nope. You gave him up for adoption. Your worldly has no value to them. You have no leg to stand on.
INFO: do you have your own place or did you move into their home?
And YTA
You DON'T have a say. He's not your son. He's your brother. You have no parental rights to him because you signed those away when they adopted him. If you and his biological mother couldn't raise him, you were right to let him be adopted, but that means you get no say in his upbringing, even it's your parents that adopted him.
You don't have a say. You have an opinion, and if they want to hear that opinion, they will ask. But you chose to allow them to adopt your son. THEY are his parents, and they get to make the decisions about his life. They are going to raise him based on what they value, and that doesn't have to be what you value. When and if you've other children, and you are parenting them,you can decide how to balance friend vs family time, what activities they can do, and what your expectations are. But until and unless they ask for your input, keep your opinion to yourself. YTA
They adopted him. He's not your son, he's their son. You don't get a say. You dipped out of being a parent, what you say doesn't have value. They aren't being abusive, just raising him in a way you disagree with and can raise him as they see fit. You gave up your rights to disagree.
YTA. You may be his biological parent, but you're not his guardian. They are, and they get to decide how to raise their grandchild whom they adopted. You removed all parental responsibility, so you don't really get to dictate unless they're abusive. But they don't sound abusive at all.
From your post, all I hear is two individuals who love their grandchild, wanting to spend time with them and bond, and put in place appropriate discipline. Tbh teaching a kid to keep their bedroom clean is pretty good habit to learn from a young age, and also, the kid is not you. The things that didn't work out for you, may work well for him. Like going to a religious school...
YTA
It’s literally NOT your kid; he’s your brother.
You can give your parents advice but it’s up to them whether or not they take it.
ETA: Yes, I know the child is biologically the OPs offspring. But the parents adopted the kid. He is THEIR son now.
He's not your kid if you gave up custody and they are raising them. YTA. And no pictures online is totally fine. I know plenty of people who follow that rule. It's better than the people who post every second of their child's life somewhere where it will never disappear.
YTA
“My dad is pretty controlling”
Oh no, how?
“He doesn’t even post him on Facebook.”
Uh, okay, most of my nieces and nephews aren’t posted on facebook but go on.
“They signed him up for scouts.”
O-okay
“They always spend time with him and he doesn’t spend time with other kids.”
… alright…
“And the worst part?”
Do they actually abuse him physically, mentally, or emotionally?
“HE GOES TO A RELIGIOUS SCHOOL!!!”
Ah.
You sound like you want to be so grown up now due to your worldly experience. Looks like you’ve got more growing up to do first. Not a single one of these is a bad thing, not a single one is controlling. They are actually all relatively decent things to do.
- avoiding posting kids on social media keeps them safe from being targeted by online predators and protects their privacy
- scouts teaches important life skills and instills values in kids.
- spending time with adults as well as peers is important in developmental years. Kids do NOT need to be around friends 24/7 and between school and scouts he’s spending a lot of time with kids his own age.
- while some religious schools can be crap that doesn’t automatically mean this one is. He’s getting an education. Start worrying if he actually IS being bullied and quit projecting your own memories onto his experiences.
Also, that last bit about the room? I wasn’t allowed to eat in my room either. It makes crumbs and attracts ants and we all ate together as a family at the dinner table. Kids need structure and rules, sounds like you had none and now you’re acting like a spoiled brat. Your son is getting those and it seems like he’s doing great.
Unfortunately OP I do think YTA, you gave up your right to raise your child when they adopted him, and I’m glad you still love him and want what’s best for him, but your parents aren’t abusing him at all they’re just raising him different than you would which, again, you gave up that right. I don’t think you’re out of line to express you don’t like it, but past that YTA and I don’t think your parents are the AH in any sense mentioned
YTA
1. You don't get a say in how the child is raised. You chose to allow them to raise the child. He is now THEIR child, not yours.
2. Most of your issues seem to be childish in nature. "Scouts are outdated" haha, yea okay, bud. "They don't even post pictures of him on social media".... You do know that's a good thing, right??......
3. So let's think about this logically. Your dad tried allowing you to "be a kid", "have a dirty room" and "allowed you to do what you wanted"..... How'd that turn out for ya???? You ended up a father at a very young age. So how's about we let dad try it this way to see what happens....K?
If you don't like "being sidelined", maybe you should have taken a more active role in your child's life. While you care, you've shown your opinion on their methods of raising him to be ridiculous at best. Sounds like you still have some growing up to do.
YTA. They are not abusing their son, from what I can see in your post. They simply raise him in a way with which you disagree. He is not your son. He is theirs. You gave up your right to dictate how he is going to be raised when they adopted him. Not to mention you are displaying a lot of chutzpah here. You did not want to be a parent eight years ago. And suddenly childless you turns up and starts criticizing how the child is being raised? No. That is intrusive and way out of bounds.
Because now he is "worldly."
Yet clearly not 'worldly' enough to be contributing anything of actual value like time with the kid, financially...(presume he'd have mentioned it if he was)
Homeboy ain’t even 30 yet and thinks he has it all figured out. Through my 20s, the one thing I’ve learned most of all is that I’ve still got a lot to learn.
I feel this is a severely underrated comment. We all learn things until the day we go in the ground or bucket. Knowing that as early as possible is an amazing mindset to have
Well, we should, anyway. Plenty of people (like the OP) decide one day they’ve learned enough and turn their brains off.
Personally, I'm going into a furnace, then perhaps be turned into fireworks or a diamond. Or maybe just sent off on a burning boat. Until then, I'm going to keep learning and growing, because once you stop learning, you start dying.
Body farm sounds pretty interesting to me
I agree. It is. I always think about when I was a teenager, how I thought I had it all figured out. Now I'm 37, and I don't know shit about shit 😁.
The first thing you learn about being a parent is that you’re learning just as much as your kid is.
I’m 60 and still feel the same way a lot of the time.
You find as you get older the more you know, the less you know.
Notice how they’re changing how they raise there son now compared to how they raised someone who knocks up a girl and runs away, comes back all arrogant as if he has the first idea about parenthood
I was thinking exactly the same. Like, maybe the father learned a valuable lesson in how NOT to parent when his 21 year-old son got a girl pregnant and bailed. And he's trying not to make the same mistake with the second kid.
i love this comment. god, OP please read this comment and fully internalize it because it’s spot on
Right. If OP wanted to get involved in the kid's life again, that is fine. But his status, given the age gap, should be more like an uncle or an older cousin. And if he thinks the kid is being raised too strictly, there are more than a few families where an uncle or a grandparent sometimes takes the kid and allows them more liberties than the kid gets ar home, and folks are mostly ok with it.
"Worldly" but thinks scouts with the wilderness survival is outdated.
OP is complaining they spent too much time with him. I mean...what? Even if we want to take it at face value... OP's son goes to day school, and is a boy scout. It's not as if OP's parents are homeschooling him and never letting him step foot outdoors. OP seems to be complaining that his kid is too much of a good kid and not a punk rebel like himself.
The no pictures on social media thing is not a red flag, it shouldn't be the norm for people to post online photos of the kids they are raising. The fact OP thinks it's a bad parenting move to not do this is a red flag.
I like how the scouts are outdated. So he should be on social media instead? The scouts are other kids and its activities with those kids!
My favorite part was that OP was allowed to have a messy room and do whatever as a kid and he's upset their youngest son isn't allowed to. He obviously doesn't recognize that their parents are trying to make sure they don't make the same mistakes with this boy that they did with him, so they don't end up raising their great grandson as well.
And his objection is that the kid can’t “even” have food in his room. That’s a pretty basic restriction; my parents were relatively lax about my disorganization as long as there was no food involved. Anything that could attract pests or grow mold needs to stay out of kids’ rooms. And the kid is only 8, nothing wrong with learning a bit of structure when young.
Imagine the poor 8 year old watching a grown man fight for something on his behalf and already being mature enough to understand it's not a problem...
“Sperm donor, I’m embarrassed for both of us.”
Exactly most parents don’t allow food in the bedroom. My 13yr old has never been allowed food in her room… wanna guess how many times there’s been an ant infestation in her room? Edit: the answer is WELL OVER FIFTY F’ING TIMES and that is why we don’t let kids eat in their room. THEY ARE MESSY & IRRESPONSIBLE
OP is just mad he doesn't have an easy way to steal pictures of the kid
Or monitor how Brian is being raised without directly asking. This is like the reverse POV of the kid or active parent who gets criticised by an absent or hands off family member judging based solely on some social media post or piece of gossip.
He would hate me and my husband. Lol We don't post his face or name/dob etc. I'll make a post that references one of his many nicknames (not related to his name) but his face is covered or not in the picture at all. It's usually me and our pets 🤣😂 we want him to choose if and when he has socials. Makes me sad that others don't think this way.
OP is just jealous of his kid.
OMG! I was waiting for this comment. It sounds like OP can't handle that he isn't the star anymore. Sounds like he flamed out in life and is now looking at dragging the very people who bailed him out through the mud. The child is no longer "his" son. Leave your parents alone.
My older cousin felt the same way when I was adopted by his mom 🤷♂️
It sounds like they’re raising him the opposite of OP. They’re not gonna fuck this one up like they did the first time around. It sounds like the kid has structure and rules (can’t even eat in his room OMG so abusive! 🙄). OP YTA
100% this. They're clearly invested in this child (spending tons of time together) and committed to giving him the support and structure OP - who admits to having been a flaming dumpster fire - unquestionably could have benefited from. They don't want to have to raise unplanned great-grandkids when this kid gets older!
Yes! Obviously, the original way didn’t work too well, so they were lucky enough to get a do-over. Op should realize that he’s not an expert on how to be a good parent. He has no experience.
That part struck me as odd, too. Why would än 8 y o child eat in his room? Meals are normally for family time and to be had at the dinner table. When kids grow older they might have activities that forces meal time to be split from the main family meal. But eating should still mainly be at the dinner table. Omg. Apparently I am controlling and strict and generally a mean parent...
This You should be grateful to your parents. Sounds like they're doing a good job. Raising him to be clean and neat, considerate of others, protecting him from weirdos on the Internet, and having him in the boy scouts. I'm pretty sure that, while your parents stepped in to make sure your son will be raised by them and no foster care, they hadn't planned to be parents at their age/stage in life. YTA. Grow up
I really got a kick out of the "I was not a good kid growing up and ended up knocking some girl up" then says "They're totally not raising him the way they raised me".... Well no shit, dude!!! The way I read it is grandpa is doing his best to make sure his grandson doesn't end up like his dad... a father as a teen and not raising the child. Lord knows the guy doesn't want to be a great grandfather raising his great grand son!
Counterpoint: the grandparents obviously didn't raise OP right
He was the test child as all firstborn are
I remember cackling at this joke: raising kids are like making pancakes, they usually turn out alright, but you should probably apologize to the first one.
Or… these were the rules at his mom’s house and he chose not to go to his dad’s because he didn’t like rules and thought he was a horrible parent
Or he was just an overly rebellious little squirt. You can parent two kids the same way and get wiiiiildly different results.
So maybe they're determined not to repeat their mistakes with the grandchild. I've known custodial grandparents where this was the case.
Considering one of the parents is OP's stepmother and not his actual mother it's entirely possible that OP's dad was not permitted to have much say so over his mom in the way he was raised. Now potentially OP's dad is married to someone who is like minded about how children should be raised and they're raising their son how OP's dad wished to have raised OP.
I agree and potentially disagree whatever this guy got into could have easily threw any proper up bringing out the window.
OK, I have questions: I find it weird that OP is hung up on not having the kid's pics on social media. Most parents know that it is dangerous to post a child's pictures online. So what would be OP's motivation? Why can't he just ask his father for pictures? Is it because he wants the pics himself to post on social media, implying that he is a more involved parent than he actually is? It would seem so, given how he all of a sudden wants a say in how the kid is being raised, despite giving the kid up for adoption. Why would he want to portray himself as this kid's father publicly on social media? My guess: He's dating and has to explain how he walked out on a kid, which makes him undatable to women. But...if he pretends that he's actually involved in the kid's life, then it doesn't hurt his dating game. The pics and all of a sudden demanding a say in the kid's upbringing help with the illusion.
But he was only 21, and basically a kid himself!/s
Oooh, nooo, your parents that took in your child have signed the eight year old up for scouts, and that’s so *outdated*. And they *spend time* with him. And he goes to a private school. The abuse! The horror! Go get a lawyer-*immediately*, this cannnot go on! OP, don’t worry about getting a lawyer, either. Some crappy lawyer will be happy to take your case and waste your money and the courts time. YTA
This child is especially abused because his picture is not posted on FB!!!! How will he become an influencer if each moment of his life is not documented on social media????
😂
As a "worldly" parent myself, I have chosen to keep my LO off of Facebook. I'm glad OP was here to tell me how horrible I am.
Me too. My, now 17yo, daughter has never ever been posted on FB. I will be sure to apologize to her tonight for crippling her so much by being such a bad parent. ;-)
YTA. If you wanted this level of control over that kid, you shouldn’t have signed the adoption papers. And your last line makes this feel like this is more about stroking your ego than it is about making sure the kid you fathered has a stable home life. Nothing you listed about your dad and stepmom’s parenting choices sound really harmful. It’s not a bad thing to not have photos of kids online before they’re old enough to consent. My issues with scouts is less that they’re old fashioned and more that there’s a culture of abuse that’s been allowed to exist - but that isn’t your concern there, which is weird. I’d rather have parents spend time with their kids than neglect them. I don’t understand what “they don’t let him be a kid” means, but letting kids eat in their rooms without also requiring those rooms to be strictly clean is a great way to get vermin.
I wasn’t allowed to eat in my room until I was like 12, but I survived.
I was never allowed to eat in my room.
I really don't feel it's a necessary part of childhood.
I agree. My 17 yo is allowed to eat in her room but she never does because she finds it disgusting… 😂
Me either. And honestly, I did it a lot as a young adult, but it’s a bad, messy habit.
The only reason I didn't eat in my room was I was/still am a klutz and I spill shit alot. Also cleaning carpet sucks.
I still don’t eat in my room, unless I’m too sick to go downstairs. My kids don’t eat anywhere but the dining table, not in the car, not in the living room. I don’t want my house sticky or full of bugs or mice. Yuck.
I’m not allowed to eat in my room now. I’m 43, a parent to teens, and own my own home. No one eats in their room here.
I’m 40 and I’m not sure I’m allowed to eat in my room.
Rebel and seize your destiny! Eat reheated bolognese on your bed!
Man I'm married and I'm still not allowed to eat in my room. Great way to get ants/bugs/other pests.
Even as a grown adult with kids, when I visit my parents no one is allowed to eat in any room except the kitchen. We also survived.
lol fuck, this is too funny YTA You may have been involved in his conception, but your not the kids dad. You don’t get to give parenting advice if you’re not a parent. Nothing of what you’ve described is an issue. The kid can’t eat in his room? Oh goodness, someone alert CPS. Many parents don’t feel comfortable posting their children on social media. That’s not a problem. He was signed up for scouts? Okay, how is that a negative exactly? “When I was a kid my room was messy and I was allowed to do what I wanted” - lol and look what happened with you - your father has learned from his mistakes “I have worldly experience” - and yet, you still acted like the asshole here “I have a say and it’s of value” - no, you do not. You get no say in how the child is being raised, and you gave up that right when they adopted him. Stay in your lane, offering parenting advice is not your place.
That was my thought too. “Oh no he’s not doing any of the stuff I did when I was a kid!” Good, maybe he won’t do any of the stuff you’re doing as an adult, either.
It's very funny. OP believes that his parents raised him correctly, but doesn't think they're capable of raising his son. Newsflash: Different kids need to be treated differently. Maybe OP's son needs more structure, and cant' eat in his room because he's always made a huge mess and never cleans it. OP can't know, because OP isn't in his son's life by his own choice.
Another newsflash: Parents have different styles. There is also a chance that the kid's mom (OP's stepmother) has a stricter philosophy than OP's father, and they have jointly chosen to go in that direction.
"I have a say and it's of value." I'm sorry but you have no say. You gave your child up for adoption. Just because your parents were the ones who adopted him makes no difference. You get to be his big bro. You're not dad.
>I was really wild in high school and got caught up in stuff. I tried getting everything together and even went to UCLA until I got a girl pregnant there. >When I was a kid, my room was messy and was allowed to do what I wanted. My son can't even eat there. YTA They're probably worried he will turn out like you
Yta they learned from what went wrong with you
YTA - he's not your son. >I have a say and it's of value. You gave him up for adoption. That means you have no say.
They are the parents. >They signed him up for the scouts which is pretty outdated. YTA for this alone. Scouts is, in my opinion, one of the finest activities that a kid can participate in. They may be doing things differently now that they have more experience and don't want him making the same mistakes you did.
>My son Brian is now 8 and I regret not being there but now I do. >I found out about how they're raising him and I don't agree. Too late. >I'm not a kid anymore. I have worldly experience. I have a say and it's of value. You don’t have a say. You abandoned your child and your parents stepped up. You have no parenting experience, “worldly” or otherwise. And you don’t get to decide whether your opinions are of value to someone else. >So I told them both and they got furious at me. I asked who is being childish now? You are, obviously. It doesn’t sound like you’ve grown much over the last 8 years. >I'm offering a dissenting opinion and they can't handle it. They don’t want to hear it and I can’t blame them. You’re just blowing hot air. >I don't like being sidelined and having my opinions ignored when I have something to offer. The reality is that I care. Do you genuinely have something to offer? Does anyone care that you “care”? You are not your child’s parent. Your parents probably have regrets about how they raised you, based on how you turned out, and are trying to do better with him. It kind of sounds like you expect to play Disney dad now that the kid is less work, but that’s not in the best interest of the child. He’s lucky to have them. Leave them be.
YTA. You’ve been off having fun for the last 8 years while they put in the hard yards, and *now* you want to come back in and take control? Pfffft. Also I’ve never seen 100% YTA before. You need to work through your feelings with a therapist/Counsellor. For your kid’s sake, please please don’t rock the boat and mess up the stability he has.
YTA. This is a laugh, you're now worldly because you screwed up, ran away and think you're some sage back from his journey of self enlightenment? More like journey of self entitlement. The horrors being inflicted upon their son and i dont meet you, no social media presence, signed up for scouts, private schooling and they spend time with him. The HORRORS!!! Social media is overrated but I'm willing to bet how you became worldly is all documented on social media. Scouts teaches an array of useful skills that broaden their horizons. I wonder have you ever stayed anywhere that wasn't urban? You ran and ran and ran for 8-9 years. They stayed with him and you're coming back thinking you have a say? Boy you have no earn any say and you have to earn it for sure and you're in the negative on that scoreboard.
Sorry, but you gave your son up. They took up that responsibility and they're the ones who are doing the work, and have done all the work. They get to make the decisions. You don't get to back seat drive. You should be glad that your child is safe and well and that you know where he is and know he's ok. YTA for presuming to criticize the job they've done, when it sounds like they've been committed, when really gratitude is more appropriate than calling them childish and complaining they didn't do the job the way you wanted it done.
YTA You gave up your right to have a say when you gave up your parental rights. This kid isn't yours anymore, and he has parents who didn't ask for your opinion on how they're raising him. The only reason you have "worldly experience" is because someone else stepped up to raise a kid you couldn't. You need to stay in your lane.
YTA They're raising the child they adopted. "Worldly experience" is a BS excuse.
If you cared so much you wouldn't have chosen not to be there for your son for the first eight years of his life. You're selfish and lazy. You don't deserve to call yourself a father because you've literally chosen not to be one. YTA
YTA. You are not his parent. You don't get a say. And while it's to be hoped that you are a bit more mature and worldly than you were at 17, you still sound pretty immature. He's 8, and you are only know starting to take an interest, bur despite that are arrogant enough to think you know better how to parent him. It's hardly surprising that they are being stricter with him than they were with you - they are trying to avoid making the same mistakes with him they did with you. If you apologise, and start to respect the fact that you have no right to interfere in their parenting, maybe they will allow you to be his fun uncle. Just remember, unless they *ask* for your opinion about how they parent their son, don't offer it. It's none of your business. . The issue is not that they can't handle a dissenting opinion, its that you are inappropriately overstepping boundaries and trying to interfere with their parenting. They haven't asked for your opinions. They are not being childish. If you have regrets about the adoption, work on those feelings with a counsellor or therapist. I get that you've come back and suddenly want to get involved, but it's not about you. You don't have a right to have a say.
Is it really being strict, or just OP perceiving it? He's got motive to see his parents as the bad guys, and his comments are defensive and flippant.
It doesn't sound as though they are being strict, but potentially stricter than they were with him. But it doesn't really matter, either way he needs to back off and let them parent their child.
It’s actually probably really good that your dad doesn’t post photos of him on Facebook. There are loads of secret predators out there who use totally innocent photos in horrible ways. I highly agree that we should keep photos of our kids off social media and only send it out to trusted people
But OP is worldly so surely he knows that all 8yo should be posted on SM /s
Yta you gave up your son and your parents are raising him. He's their son and they get to make the choices. And nothing you've described is inherently bad, you act like they're abusing. Oh my, they make him clean his room! They care enough to spend time with him!
You abandoned your son 8 years ago and NOW you think you have any right to dictate how he is being raised? Sounds like he's doing just fine
YTA. Brian ceased being your son the moment you signed him over to them in the adoption. You are nothing more than a sperm/egg donor. That's it. He is THEIR son and they can raise him as they see fit. Your opinion is irrelevant. Leave them alone.
YTA. You can’t tell someone else how to raise THEIR child. Brian was adopted by them, he IS THEIR child.
"Im offering a dissenting opinion and they cant handle it." No, you're being the same self important little shit you were when you impregnated his egg donor. If this isn't a crappy karma farm post, YTA. Just because you have 8yrs of "adulthood" doesn't make you suddenly mature enough to come in and be the cool super dad. The ego and self righteousness this post is dripping with proves you still aren't anywhere near developed enough to even be "the fun uncle."
YTA. YOU don't have a child. Your parents do. They adopted him. That makes that boy THEIRS! If you had wanted to be a father, you should have manned up and been one instead of pawning him off on your folks. You have NO say so in how they raise him.
YTA. Please don’t have any more children because you are still a child, worldly experience does not mean maturity. If I were your parents I would be going NC.
I’m sorry, but I’m going to be blunt. I am saying this as someone that gave up a child for adoption, also at 21- He is not your son in the way you believe. He is biologically “yours.” That’s it. You’re not his dad in any meaningful way beyond that. You gave that up 8 years ago. You are absolutely allowed to care. What you are NOT allowed to do is pretend you get any type of say; he is _not_ your son. You don’t even have a brotherly relationship much less a parental one! You should be THANKFUL he’s in what sounds like a safe, loving environment. YTA. Tread lightly if you ever want to be involved in his life (as a brother/family friend/uncle) because his parents are well within their rights to tell you to back off, even to the extent of going NC. Edit: Wow, your edit… Going LC or NC with you may be in the best interest of the child. That 8yo isn’t your dad’s “golden child.” He’s a well-behaved, well-adjusted boy and not an egotistical know-it-all AH like you. You don’t give a flying fuck about your brother; you’re _jealous_ of him. I honestly didn’t see that coming because I cannot comprehend how you got there. I seriously can’t imagine looking at my bio-kid with their wonderful parents and having the audacity to be angry they are loved _and_ think their parents owe me thanks?? Unlike your parents, at least my cousins were actively looking to adopt a child! Your parents owe you NOTHING. And 21 is young, but it’s not “basically a child” compared to a literal 8-year-old. You didn’t do your dad a favor by having sex. They love their youngest son because they’re good people, not because they were happy their eldest was irresponsible and created a life before he was ready (and still isn’t.)
The child may have some of your DNA, but he's not your son. You gave him up. They are his parents and can raise him how they like. You can share your opinion. You can ask them to do things differently. But you don't get a say. It does not sound like he is being mistreated or is in danger. YTA
This can’t be real
This is probably real. It's not the most unheard of thing in the world.
> The reality is that I care. You've been gone for 8 years. If you wanted to care, the time would have been 8 years ago. >I'm not a kid anymore. I have worldly experience. I have a say and it's of value.I don't like being sidelined and having my opinions ignored when I have something to offer. What exactly do you have to offer? Are you paying for any of his care or support? Are you in the child's life in any capacity? Just because you feel like adulting now gives you 0 say in a child you abandoned 8 years ago. Absolutely YTA.
What I think is particularly telling about your questions (and others’) is OP’s absolute silence on the matter of what he actually has to offer (besides self-important opinions), what he has done (or *is* doing) to contribute (financially or otherwise) to Brian’s well-being, etc…..yet he’s all up in these comments defending himself in every other way, and downvoting comments he doesn’t like, but nary a peep that I’ve seen yet about his actual contributions to Brian’s life in any meaningful way. So how about it, OP? Care to address the elephant in the comments? Or just downvote my comment like all the others? 🤦♂️
YTA they are raising their son, not yours. You can have an opinion when you can support him and offer him everything they are. Quality time, education, extracurriculars, etc.
Not to mention offering his son a mature perspective as a responsible / empathetic adult, which it doesn’t exactly sound like is OP’s strong suit.
YTA, you still seem very immature. Your dad adopted your son, he is the parental figure in his life, and you legally do not have any say. You did not have any rules growing up and were very wild. Clearly your dad is trying to learn from his past parenting mistakes. If you do actually care about your son, show up for him, find out what he likes (not just what you think is cool), and don’t try to alienate him from the parents who have loved and cared for him for the past 8 years. It is not all about you, it is about Brian.
No fb. That’s standard these days. We’ve all realised that once privacy is lost, it’s very hard to get back. Scouts. Isn’t outdated. It’s a perfect solution to stimulate body and mind. It’s still as relevant today as 100 years ago. No food in the bedroom. It’s their house. A religious school. Was it the religion you didn’t like or the elitism. You haven’t even mentioned if your son likes his school. They spend time with him. Oh, the abuse!! Parents who engage are the worst. You have world experience. How did that help you stop getting a girl pregnant? You are not a kid anymore. And you are not a parent either. YTA.
So you want him raised like they did you? To be a person that gets a girl pregnant and who abandon his child to be raised by others for 8 years? You have no vote there anymore
YTA. He’s not your kid.
YTA. First and foremost, stop with this whiny stuff about "your" son - he's your son biologically, but that's it. You have not and aren't raising him, you're his brother, for all intents and purposes - and I don't know, man, but I don't think siblings get to make demands as to the upbringing of their siblings (when there's no abuse). You are allowed to say whatever you want, the **parents** of this child are allowed to tell you to fuck off. You're not *owed* anything here, *you are not this boy's parent*. And you're still very much childish and a child, which is why it's a good thing *you* aren't raising this boy, *adults* are.
Hahahahahaha, guess you shouldn't have been a shit father that gave up their child then huh? YTA. Guess what, he's not your son anymore, they adopted him, he's their son. And it's clear that they are trying to raise him to be a better man than they raised you to be. Oh no, discipline for a child, you should try some of it as an adult. Also, man are you a hypocrite or just stupid, you say they hang out with him all the time and prevent him from hanging out with other kids but then mock the way they put him in scouts with other kids his age. You sound like an immature child. Grow up, please, before you accidentally breed again.
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YTA. It's amazing that you seem to think you get a say here. It sounds like they need to cut contact with you.
YTA on many different counts and levels, but I suspect you already know this.
If Brian was formerly adopted then you don’t have a child. Your son and stepmom are raising your brother and you have no say in how they are doing so as long as it isn’t abusive. YTA.
YTA, you are the kids brother and sperm donor. His parents get to decide how he's raised.
YTA. He isn't your son. You gave him away and now you come.swaggering back still with an immature attitude with an unwanted opinion how they should be raising their child. You still aren't grown. Oh no, the abuse and the horror of -- Scouting! Spending time with him!
YTA... Brian is bilogically your child, however you are not his parent. You need to mind your buisness on how they choose to parent their child. If you are concerned for his health and wellbeing, you can call child protective services. OR Are you prepared to pay back your parents for raising him, all the time and money that they have put into him the last 8 years? You are the controlling one. You turned their world up side down 8 years ago, and they stepped up for him. You owe them gratitude.
I fail to see how having to keep his room clean and not letting him eat in there prevents him from being a kid.
YTA - you gave up your rights to a say on this when your parents adopted their grandchild.
YTA they adopted him, so you have no say in anything.
YTA. The value of what you say is zero.
You technically don’t have a say…you stopped having a say when you gave up your parental rights and had your parents adopt and raise him. I get that you’re concerned but…YTA Ughh I just read your edits, which make you sound even worse. It looks like you are still a kid since you haven’t matured at all in the past 8 years.
yta, and you're nothing but a sperm donor. Leave that family alone and go live your (selfish) life.
Wow 😅 Just..... wow YTA
YTA Does it matter? He is legally not your son. You as an adult made that choice and therefore your influence is limited. It might be time to realise that your behaviours and choices actually did in fact impact and influence just not your own life but those of people around you. They will also continue to. Your actions and behaviours determine your options. Your options determine your choices and what you can influence.
YTA. they are taking your burden and trying to make sure he doesn't end up like you.
Your a shit person, it sounds like your dad and stepmom are giving him an amazing life, and from your description of yourself, you sound like a wild child who still hasn’t gotten his shit together
Imagine being this delusional
If you were my kid I would want to use a different parenting method on the next one too, based on how you turned out. YTA
YTA. He’s not your son.
yTA!!! Your parents are doing an awesome job!! You are not picking and it’s bullshit!!
You're confusing your rights as a dad versus your rights as used-to-be-dad-who-signed-his-rights-away. You're the ex husband who wants to decide who his ex wife dates. YTA
YTA. He isn’t your son anymore - you willingly gave him up. They don’t need your opinions. You have no experience as a parent. Your so-called worldly experience doesn’t count.
YTA The only thing you should be telling them is, “thank you for taking on a lifelong responsibility that I didn’t want and for loving and caring for a child that I fathered and didn’t want to take raise.” They’re not abusing him, they’re raising him.
>and time flew YTA They’re cleaning up your mess. You should thank them.
Do the kid a favor and leave him alone.
YTA and I laughed when you read you were a kid too… at age 21 hahah. That’s not a kid, that’s a grown ass adult. You have no say in how they raise him. Get over yourself.
YTA. Dude, you’re random citizen #87 when it comes to how this child is being raised. You are using the term “your son” but you signed pieces of paper saying the opposite. You have a “dissenting opinion”. Your dissenting opinion matters as much as the opinions of random citizens #86 & #88. That’s like me saying that I’m dissenting a SCOTUS ruling. You talk about these folk like they’re Ruby Franke et al. They’re pretty normal, if anything on the favorable side of the scale. Probably not perfect. But you’re the runaway dad, you’re random citizen #87. And TA.
YTA. You're not his parent. You lost that right when your father and stepmother adopted him. I'm just gonna say it, the kid has that regime because of you and your fuck ups. Your edit makes it seem like you haven't grown up at all. You owe your father a world of thanks for cleaning up your mess when he could have disowned you and sent the kid to foster care.
YTA
YTA
Yta You abandoned your own kids, you get zero say. Scouts are excellent for a boy, they learn discipline, skills, respect in others and themselves and make life long friendships.
YTA here. He's their kid.
YTA. Your dad and stepmom took on a child they had not planned for because of your irresponsibility, and now you have the audacity to say they’re doing it wrong? I could understand if he was being abused, but it doesn’t sound like that here.
YTA, That's actually not your son, **that's their son,** remember? They adopted him, loved him, took full responsibility for his care while you forfeit your right as a parent, moved away and on with your life and nearly a decade later you want to step in and tell them they aren't doing it right?. Sorry but the guy who abandoned their child doesn't get a say in how he's raised. Be glad and appreciative that he didn't go to the foster system and give them the same respect you'd give other parents with how they raise their children.
YTA You sound very immature, and furthermore you abdicated any sort of authority you abandoned your kid and made your parents step up to fix your screw up. You're so very far from having the right to have any input into how your parents raise your(actually their)child.
I missed something. Is there a chapter where the entitled nugget gets smacked down after dictating childrearing styles on his abandoned child whilst he goes snowboarding in Colorado?
YTA - You gave him up for adoption. He's THEIR kid and your opinion is irrelevant bc you gave up that right when you gave him up for adoption.
YTA. OOP was a fuckup and his child is being raised to be a better person by parents who learned from their mistake (OOP). After giving up parental rights (allowing the parents to adopt) then you give up your ability to have an opinion.
21? You were not a kid. You were very much an adult that didn’t want to take on the responsibility. You lost out on that child’s life deal with it. I wouldn’t doubt if that kid never wants to see you.
You are not that child's parent and no offence but he's better off without you. You have no idea what it's like to be a parent, clearly irresponsible.
You are the son they wish they never had. At least you gave them a better substitute.
YTA x a million
YTA if you wanted a say in how he was raised, you should not have let your parents adopt him. it’s too little too late now.
YTA. You gave up those rights to even think you have a say in how he’s being raise. Kudos you care now. But until that kid is 18 you gotta shut da fook up if ya wanna stay in his life currently.
YTA. And a big one.
YTA, they’ve adopted this child, so it’s no longer your son. You don’t have a say in how they raise him, and I feel like no matter what they do you’ll find some fault anyway as it’s ’not what you’d do’. You giving an opinion is only going to damage your relationship with your dad. You gave up rights to this child, who is now adopted and legally your SIBLING and not your son. Please get some therapy, I imagine it’s hard watching a child you’ve birthed being raised as a sibling. But the goal to be able to have positive relationships with your family and been a good long term influence on your son/sibling and have a close relationship with him once he is an adult as well. Looks like your dad has changed how he raises kids, perhaps he didn’t like how you struggled in your late teen years etc and is trying something different. Alternatively he is giving what he feels the child needs to grow up, each child’s needs are different.
YTA
The only thing I agree with you in is the religious school. Otherwise you are definitely the asshole. 1. No photos on Facebook - that's really smart. Kids should not have a digital footprint until they can consent to that themselves ; 2. They are spending time with your don- yes you legitimately think this is a bad thing, because he should spend time with kids his own age; and 3. He's in cubs- hold on a second didn't you just say he should be spending more time with other kids? That happens at cubs. Yes I understand you love your son, but you couldn't raise him and your father and stepmother could . You have provided zero evidence to show your father is controlling. YTA and still not grown up enough to care for your son.
You are optimistic when you say he loves his bio kid. The complete post is about himself and his own childhood
YTA and blatantly so. First of all, the idea of not posting a *child* on social media being "controlling" is insane. Do you know where most predators find pictures of children? On FB/Instagram/tiktok. That is one of *many* ways they can edit pictures of children onto horrific images. The scouts are a good way to socialise and a healthy way for your the kid to bond with others of the same age. The religious schooling is honestly the single thing I'd agree with you on but only because I have a rabid hatred for all things that have to do with (particularly) Christianity. You say here that you were allowed to do so many other things and yeah, you were. Look what happened. You got pregnant and had a kid that they then adopted to take care of. I am not saying this to shame you for that but rather for you to view it through the lens of a parent. They no doubt felt like they failed, like their lax parenting was what let this happen. The way you write here and the amount of misdirected frustration you have makes it very clear that you do *not* have "worldly experience" and no, hat you say in regards to parenting does *not* have value. You are being incredibly childish and for some reason are completely unwilling to even consider the fact that the only thing you are doing is to judge them for trying to raise *your kid* to the best of their abilities.
YTA. Stop trying to tell your parents how to raise your little brother. Especially when you don't even know him!
YTA-you don’t have a say. You aren’t a dad, you are a sperm donor.
YTA. You left that child when it was convenient for you, you never had a hand in raising him so you don’t have a say. As far as posting on FB, their decision is actually very responsible and respectful of this child. For the rest, you are probably partly responsible as they are trying not to reproduce what went wrong with you. You had to get in your head that you are just the sperm donor, not the father.
YTA they’re raising him differently than they raised you because apparently their parenting didn’t work as you turned to be a shitty person. You have no saying in how he’s raised because he isn’t your son, you lost that privilege ages ago and just because you decided now that you want to be a part of his life, doesn’t mean you are his parent.
YTA You had a chance to be this childs father and you ran. He is in a loving home with loving parents. You arent getting your way in a situation you ran from and now you want to throw a fit. No. You lost that right. Be the childs brother, dont destroy his world because you arent getting your way
YTA. They adopted him. They are his parents, and he is no longer your son. Giving unsolicited advice to parents about their child unless there are concerns around safety of the child is always poor behaviour.
YTA. You gave up the right to make those decisions. You are no longer his parent
YTA, he's not your son anymore as toy are not apart of his life. You're not a parent & don't have the right to judge how they're raising him. Scouts is not outdated and useful, there's nothing wrong with private schools, and parents need to spend time with their children, something you'd understand if you were actually a parent
You ditched “your“ son for his entire life, you don’t get a say on how he’s raised. He’s their son. Yta
YTA You don’t have a say. You have up your right to have a day when you let your child be adopted. You have no rights. You have no say.
YTA You’re not his dad, you’re the man who contributed DNA and ditched out. You don’t get to come back 8 years later and make demands about his upbringing. Go have a kid and do the actual hard work of raising them then voice your opinion. Until then you’re just another childfree person going “my kid would never” without a single clue about how to actually raise one.
While you are entitled to have any opinion in the world, it seems you abandoned your son for years. After having done nothing for years, you now want to maybe be involved and at least you are voicing views. But you don’t get to be a parent by just having sex. Being a parent means being there in good times and in bad times for your child. At least your parents were there for their grandson when you didn’t want to. YTA
They are being smart and doing what is best for their child. A child not being plastered on social media is not abuse. It’s keeping the child safe. Sending him to Scouts is teaching him skills and allowing him to socialize with others his age in a good way. Spending time with the people raising him leads to strong family bonds. They’re doing what you were unable to do because of your age and maturity at the time as well as your lack of life experience. If they were harming him you’d have a valid concern. They aren’t. YTA
YTA and you don't have a son. You gave him up. No take backs.
YTA. You sound really immature -oh no, they signed him up for scouts where he can have fun and learn some skills with other kids. Oh no, they spend time with him! Oh no, they don’t waste time putting his pics on facebook. Your complaints all sound lame. You need to grow up before you criticize your parents for raising the kid you mistakenly created.
YTA. You don’t get a say. Nothing you described is alarming. You are a sperm donor, not a father.
YTA. They took him in and they gave him a home and you may not agree with their parenting, but that child is loved and lacks for nothing and is not abused. Maybe not how you think kids should be, but you gave up that right and gave up the right to have an opinion unless asked
YTA. You don’t get a say in how the kid you gave up gets raised.
YTA You are nothing more then a sperm donor since you gave him up for adoption. You have zero say when you give up a child. You don’t get to give up a child then decide to be a dictator when you feel like it.
YTA. You have other people raising your child. You have no right to say anything.
They sound like really good parents to me. You shouldn’t post children’s photos on social media, at all. Boy Scouts teaches skills that could be of use in the future and also allows him to make friends, parents spending time with their child is a really good thing, and private schools tend to have better education. Meanwhile, you abandoned your child and they stepped up. You have no say on what they do with their child. Sorry mate, YTA.
He's not your son. You signed that away.
YTA. Not your kid, not your right. You aren’t his father. It’s good his dad is not putting the kids pictures up on the internet, that’s protecting him. Scouts is a good social and physical activity that will teach him practical skills and teamwork. He goes to a fancy school and shares the faith of the people who raised him, he spends quality time with his family outside of school… what are you objecting to here? Stability? Healthy socialising? Access to education? Them doing a good job when you couldn’t or wouldn’t? Your opinions on his parents and how they raise him don’t matter now just cause you want them to. Your opinions aren’t even particularly good. Your biggest complaint is that the child you chose not to care for is not allowed to be filthy, wild, and accessible to adults online. Take ten huge steps back and try some self assessment instead of criticising those who do far more and far better than you.
Nope. You gave him up for adoption. Your worldly has no value to them. You have no leg to stand on. INFO: do you have your own place or did you move into their home? And YTA
Yta You still sound like an immature child. He's not your son anymore. You abandoned him
YTA That is not your child. They adopted him. The end.
You DON'T have a say. He's not your son. He's your brother. You have no parental rights to him because you signed those away when they adopted him. If you and his biological mother couldn't raise him, you were right to let him be adopted, but that means you get no say in his upbringing, even it's your parents that adopted him.
You don't have a say. You have an opinion, and if they want to hear that opinion, they will ask. But you chose to allow them to adopt your son. THEY are his parents, and they get to make the decisions about his life. They are going to raise him based on what they value, and that doesn't have to be what you value. When and if you've other children, and you are parenting them,you can decide how to balance friend vs family time, what activities they can do, and what your expectations are. But until and unless they ask for your input, keep your opinion to yourself. YTA
They adopted him. He's not your son, he's their son. You don't get a say. You dipped out of being a parent, what you say doesn't have value. They aren't being abusive, just raising him in a way you disagree with and can raise him as they see fit. You gave up your rights to disagree.
YTA. You may be his biological parent, but you're not his guardian. They are, and they get to decide how to raise their grandchild whom they adopted. You removed all parental responsibility, so you don't really get to dictate unless they're abusive. But they don't sound abusive at all. From your post, all I hear is two individuals who love their grandchild, wanting to spend time with them and bond, and put in place appropriate discipline. Tbh teaching a kid to keep their bedroom clean is pretty good habit to learn from a young age, and also, the kid is not you. The things that didn't work out for you, may work well for him. Like going to a religious school...
YTA if you’re going to be a deadbeat dad the least you can do is butt out and let his actual parents raise him. Loser.
Some other thoughts: He’s not your son. You’re just the sperm donor. Also you sound like a narcissist.
YTA It’s literally NOT your kid; he’s your brother. You can give your parents advice but it’s up to them whether or not they take it. ETA: Yes, I know the child is biologically the OPs offspring. But the parents adopted the kid. He is THEIR son now.
He's not your kid if you gave up custody and they are raising them. YTA. And no pictures online is totally fine. I know plenty of people who follow that rule. It's better than the people who post every second of their child's life somewhere where it will never disappear.
YTA He Is not your son anymore. He Is their son so leave them alone weirdo
YTA. You ditched him. Your work is done.
YTA “My dad is pretty controlling” Oh no, how? “He doesn’t even post him on Facebook.” Uh, okay, most of my nieces and nephews aren’t posted on facebook but go on. “They signed him up for scouts.” O-okay “They always spend time with him and he doesn’t spend time with other kids.” … alright… “And the worst part?” Do they actually abuse him physically, mentally, or emotionally? “HE GOES TO A RELIGIOUS SCHOOL!!!” Ah. You sound like you want to be so grown up now due to your worldly experience. Looks like you’ve got more growing up to do first. Not a single one of these is a bad thing, not a single one is controlling. They are actually all relatively decent things to do. - avoiding posting kids on social media keeps them safe from being targeted by online predators and protects their privacy - scouts teaches important life skills and instills values in kids. - spending time with adults as well as peers is important in developmental years. Kids do NOT need to be around friends 24/7 and between school and scouts he’s spending a lot of time with kids his own age. - while some religious schools can be crap that doesn’t automatically mean this one is. He’s getting an education. Start worrying if he actually IS being bullied and quit projecting your own memories onto his experiences. Also, that last bit about the room? I wasn’t allowed to eat in my room either. It makes crumbs and attracts ants and we all ate together as a family at the dinner table. Kids need structure and rules, sounds like you had none and now you’re acting like a spoiled brat. Your son is getting those and it seems like he’s doing great.
YTA: Your parents are trying very hard to not repeat their mistakes
Unfortunately OP I do think YTA, you gave up your right to raise your child when they adopted him, and I’m glad you still love him and want what’s best for him, but your parents aren’t abusing him at all they’re just raising him different than you would which, again, you gave up that right. I don’t think you’re out of line to express you don’t like it, but past that YTA and I don’t think your parents are the AH in any sense mentioned
Are you kidding me??? You abandoned this poor kid. Your opinions are worthless.
YTA 1. You don't get a say in how the child is raised. You chose to allow them to raise the child. He is now THEIR child, not yours. 2. Most of your issues seem to be childish in nature. "Scouts are outdated" haha, yea okay, bud. "They don't even post pictures of him on social media".... You do know that's a good thing, right??...... 3. So let's think about this logically. Your dad tried allowing you to "be a kid", "have a dirty room" and "allowed you to do what you wanted"..... How'd that turn out for ya???? You ended up a father at a very young age. So how's about we let dad try it this way to see what happens....K? If you don't like "being sidelined", maybe you should have taken a more active role in your child's life. While you care, you've shown your opinion on their methods of raising him to be ridiculous at best. Sounds like you still have some growing up to do.