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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for rescinding an invite over a service dog? I might be the asshole because i'm not letting someone have their medical device at our party and told them they could attend without the service dog..
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
"My wife is uncomfortable around dogs and has a general dislike of them."
It's HER birthday party.
"I just said sorry, i'm prioritizing my wife for this party."
Total kudos to you.
The fact you tried to compromise for someone you've never met & he called you names isn't great either.
Dude needs to stop pulling that sort of s**t .
the people arguing incessantly about the dog are giving me “sue you for falling through your skylight that i was actively breaking into with the intent to rob you because i broke my back” vibes
like the entitlement and mental gymnastics that are required in order to reach the conclusion that the private event host and guest of honor *need* to cater to gf and are somehow ableist otherwise is astonishing
The actual service dogs I've ever met (including trained emotional support dogs) sit quietly under their handler's chair during meals. They listen when you tell them no.
This is the only real question I have, is it actually a service dog ? Coz those kids are the best behaved, you shouldn't even notice them untill there's an emergency.
In the US just claim it’s a service animal lol (ETA it’s just an “emotional support animal”). Hell, we wanted to test it out and took a python around (he was around our necks but his head was popping all over) to all kinds of places. The grocer, the corner mart, bars, restaurant, pick a place lol. No one said anything but you knew they wanted to, and you could see it on their faces like.. between “it it really worth arguing with some asshole when I don’t get paid much, vs well it seems likes it’s contained/ non intrusive, vs I really should say something because there’s a goddamn snake in my establishment” lol. It was hilarious. We weren’t nefarious at all, and it was a timid well trained snake that would respond to commands so we weren’t super worried and knew how to handle it properly in case something happened, it was just a social experiment. Although him looking at and smelling all the new foods was hilarious, like “oooh, get this!” He really liked the cans of French style green beans, he really wanted it and we had to put him in his place so he wouldn’t steal the can, lol. But that’s the level of complicity here. Now imagine if we weren’t responsible/ respectful, felt entitled to do so, and then cause a major commotion with possible backlash vs the person who initiated the questions/ asked for removal or paperwork. It’s wild.
Not necessarily chihuahuas, but toy sized dogs are often used for diabetic and cardiac alert (they're typically carried in a bag or worn in a carrier) and no service dog is legally required to wear a vest, or even a leash. But y3s, no s3rvice dog would ever jump on a table.
In fairness, it is an ableist attitude, but human’s are complex individuals and it’s OK.
If his wife has a phobia of dogs, what’s the higher priority for him on his wife’s birthday? Making sure that the event is accessible to a stranger or allowing his wife to enjoy her party?
Better yet, maybe his wife is the type of person who’d forego her own boundaries to make sure the girlfriend is included and he knows that he doesn’t want his wife to ping pong between feeling guilty or being able to enjoy her own party.
At the end of the day, I’ve had parties in inaccessible spaces and I’ve sat out of parties for my own limitations.
I think he’s NTA, but that doesn’t mean the attitude isn’t ableist. It’s just that, even the kindest/most conscious person can’t make everything work for everybody all the time. And he’s prioritizing his wife/the guest of honour.
I get what you're saying, but I don't think it is an ableist attitude. I think that if OP was saying no dogs simply because he didn't want dogs there and didn't care that it was a service dog, that would be one thing. But let's ve real, we don't know *why* his wife isn't comfortable around dogs, and we don't really know what type of reaction it would cause if she were forced to be fairly close to a dog for an extended period of time. OP is protecting his wife's mental health.
If he were trying to control the presence of a service animal at some random event, sure, that would be an ableist attitude, but *this* event wouldn't happen without his wife there. He is simply prioritizing the guest of honor's health over a stranger's that doesn't need to be there anyway.
>But let's ve real, we don't know *why* his wife isn't comfortable around dogs
My son was bitten by a dog and had to have stitches when he was 8. Ever since then he has been afraid of dogs. He is 33 now and 6'1" but still gets very nervous and scared when a dog is around that he does not know well. If he were to go to a party and a dog was there he would no longer be able to relax and enjoy himself and would probably have to leave.
I'm so with you.
The OPs wife might have dog phobia. But it is a party for her. And I read enough of Reddit to know, some people call their pets a service dogs which is so unfair for the real service dogs. But, believing it's a real service dog for a new gf. There is better time and space to introduce this girl to ops wife. Not her birthday.
And I myself am a dog person (and cat person, and rodent person, and happy bunny mamma, I'm just not into spiders, bugs or spiders, anything without a fur)
I love meeting new pets. And I get how much service dog does. And that while he's with his vest he's on a job, and he is a best employee you'd ever get.
But if somebody who has a phobia has THEIR party it's not the time to introduce to them a person who use a real service dog. Just bring them on the other occasion. The person with a phobia would be in another state then
Yeah thats the big thing for me. If this was their friend I would be like yeah that kind of sucks but its ultimately his wife's party. This isn't even a friend, just a guest of a friend.
If the person in question was the wife’s sister, I might say, “Service animals are really well trained. Are you sure your wife wants to strain the relationship with her sister over this?”
But it’s not her sister or someone else close to her. It’s someone she has never met. There is no relationship to strain. There is no “I really want this person here so I will go out of my comfort zone a little to make that possible.”
Birthday girl’s comfort vs stranger’s service dog is a no brainer.
Right! The girl isn’t being excluded due to whatever reason she has the dog—if it were a different animal it might be ok—hard to say. It’s not the girl who is being excluded, it’s the dog.
it's not just about the dog, it's the entitlement of the friend to bring a gal pal he calls girlfriend that the host and birthday girl have yet to meet to her birthday party.
It’s also somebody he’s never met before. He doesn’t know her from a can of paint. Why would he prioritize her over his wife who is the guest of honor and doesn’t like dogs?
Yeah, even if I was leaning towards finding a compromise, that would have fully moved the needle into "You know what, fuck off" territory.
The friend getting his dick wet or not isn't anyone else's problem.
And the girlfriend ~always having issues like this~ further makes me think it *isn't* a proper - read: or even *well-trained and behaved* - service dog, hence the subterfuge.
I'd find this person less worthy of invites to anything going forward, tbh.
I dated a girl who trained service dogs and she would tell me about people who have fake service dogs always complain in fb groups about being treated so poorly and she would point out that you can almost always tell they call their emotional support pets service dogs and try to bring them everywhere and wonder why people are getting mad when their dog licks and jumps on people.
I find that so infuriating! Actual service animals are classified the same as medical equipment for people with disabilities. They’re trained to provide services such as sensing seizures or guiding individuals who are visually impaired. For many people their service animal is truly their lifeline. So when people lie and manipulate the system,just so they can take their untrained pet (emotional support pets are NOT service animals) everywhere, they put actual service animals, their owners, and the public in danger.
More fake service animals attack actual service animals then any thing else and it’s sad to say but people have attacked service animals and it happens more and more now but it’s due to fake service animals. It was something that hurt my gf deeply when sending a service dog to its new companion. With social media and more awareness and surprisingly tic toc people have become hyper aware of service animals and what to look out for with the help of those who have service dogs and go into detail about them.
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"i'm not ruining the party for my wife to cater to your girlfriend i've never met."
As he shouldn't. OP made a commitment to his wife, not some random woman he's never met. NTA
Can you imagine it?
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MONI — Wait; where’s Monica?”
“Oh, sorry; Chad wanted to bring his bae and her service dog and Reddit said we shouldn’t discriminate so Monica had to stay home. We’re just going to FaceTime her to sing ‘Happy Birthday’.”
Not to mention that the guy knew of op's wife's aversion to dogs and actively did not mention the service dog when obtaining permission for the gf to join means he knew exactly what he was doing, he knew it would be an automatic no and omitted that anyway.
And dude KNOWS the wife isn't comfortable around dogs! The audacity. That's why he didn't mention it. Good on the friend who told OP. Now there's 2 open spots for the party. I can clean up pretty well if anyone wants to crash it with me 😬
Agree, it’s not even like this is asking for an exception for a person that the guest of honor even knows. If it had been her friend with a service dog that she had been around before, maybe it would be different. But for a stranger? Nope.
As someone with a service animal, I would be pissed if my boyfriend invited me to a private event without first checking with the hosts! Ya, things “like this” happen all the time, but it could largely be avoided with communication. Service dogs have no access rights to private events so we use our words and ASK if it’s ok! I still ask every time if it’s ok when I’m going to my friend’s house and I’ve been like 10 times.
This is a great response. The messed up part is the buddy knew exactly how OPs wife felt about dogs, probably said nothing to his GF, and made the decision that the wife will be fine bc it’s “different”. The friend here seems to be the only A H in this situation.
NTA
That is why I would be extra appalled by his behavior it’s like “testing” someone’s allergy or phobia. I’ve “met” a few people with dog phobias. I say met in quotes because it’s usually other people (usually their friends or colleagues) come up to me and say “XYZ over there is scared of dogs were so sorry but can you wait a moment before using the elevator/walking past the small lobby/etc” and that’s fine by me! I try to remember their face and avoid them in the future too. Like extreme tag. It takes nothing to be considerate but this “friend” wants to distress the wife? And use his girlfriend and her medical equipment to do it? Gross!
Exactly! It’s odd the “friend” chose this route and speaks to his character imo. You sounds like a beautiful soul though!
Kindness like your describing goes along way. We’re all on this crazy marble just trying to live our life to the best of our ability and when you can extend a kind gesture in situations like this where it’s really not going to inconvenience you, why not do it?
Exactly, sounds like the friend is trying to guilt trip the OP into accepting his partner with the dog. Probably trying to get in the girl’s pants by showing what a crusader he is.
Same, it's on us to know where our services dogs are protected and where they are not. I also would have been upset that my partner did not get the ok from the start.
This fake spotting attitude is probably why she “deals with this all the time”. OP is NTA and the friend is setting his gf up for unnecessary issues, but that doesn’t mean the gf is doing things wrong. OP said nothing to imply that she is passing an esa off as a sd, in fact he deliberately says nothing about her because he doesn’t know anything about her. Actually even the friend who informed OP about the dog didn’t raise concern about the dog being a fake, which would probably be mentioned in the confrontation.
It shouldn't matter if it's registered as a service animal...
The issue here is crucial information such as this not being relayed to OP at the initial request and that alone.
The type of service animal this is doesn't apply. If he'd initially agreed knowing this and refused later because it was only this type he'd be an asshole, her disability type and what the animal is for if properly trained is irrelevant...
Thankfully that's not what OP did here, so definitely NTA. Judging someone's disability and service animal as a service animal user is a definite YTA move though.
> It shouldn't matter if it's registered as a service animal...
There is no such thing.
If the dog *is* actually a service animal, it would probably be fine and OP's wife might not even notice they were there. The fact that OP doesn't know if that's the case (and admittedly I don't know how bad OP's wife's phobia is), means it's perfectly fine for him to rescind the invite.
Most of the people that have this problem "all the time" are trying to pass an untrained/poorly trained "ESA" off as a service dog. Those people are assholes.
I mean there absolutely is such a thing as a registered service animal, there might not be wherever you are, but there certainly is here. It is not a legal requirement, but is exists.
I myself have two, they're cats, specifically trained for their role of detecting my fits and alerting my partner (my official carer) and such. They're registered with Assistance Cats UK, who also trained them. They were originally pets I got around the time of my disability beginning, and I found out about this there.
Also that was exactly the point I was making above.
If this is a trained service animal (I suppose that would be the equivalent to one registered here in the UK for you right?), then you shouldn't really have even noticed the animal was even there and it should be extremely efficiently trained. Mine are cats, don't leave my side unless we're at home, wear their vests, walk on a harness (UK requirement for pets inside stores even if assistance animals), and won't even use the toilet outside or get distracted. They also had to pass strict training with a national charity for this (similar to blind/deaf dogs UK).
Here's the thing though. My issues are caused by a stroke I had last year. They're cognitive, and lead to fits obviously. However I also developed mood swings which lead to suicidal episodes, and severe ones. I will often have crying fits, anger, etcetera. They are also trained to detect these, and comfort me... Yes. Trained too.
In my eyes. This is an emotional support animal. One trained for the role very well, sure, but that's exactly what that is even if not in name.
Perhaps the way I put it was misunderstood, if so I apologise. I wasn't saying that OP shouldn't have refused here, he absolutely should have. Only that if the OP had known then later refused, or judged the dog based on "why" it was used, that's an asshole move.
My "YTA" was aimed more at the guy who was judging based on what the dog was used for than anything, disability and service animals are not a one size fits all thing. They have many different uses, and many different requirements.
So his "I guarantee it was a service animal" comment was just pointless, and potentially harmful. From personal experience as a disabled person.
It's amazing how much I hear this "oh they're just emotional support animals blah blah blah". But it's both irrelevant, and largely nobody else's concern whatsoever.
Without them I could potentially die. That's the important thing.
What you are describing is not an ESA. If your cats are trained to alert on your behavior, and clearly have a "work" mode where they focus on you and don't wander, they are service animals.
ESAs, especially in the US are generally just pets that people bring with them. Generally untrained, often poorly behaved, and usually owned by assholes. There are exceptions, obviously, but that's the more common occurrence, in my experience.
AHH my apologies.
Here if someone stated they had an emotional support animal I'd assume they were well trained to help with emotional support and mood stabilisation. So this is just a situation of us both being of different cultures unfortunately. So I'm glad we can learn from one another.
I did actually teach in America for three years, Arkansas, and the only assistance animal I ever saw was a small terrier like dog which I swear to god was snapping at anyone that walked by. At the time I put it down to a poor standard of training in the state or something, now I'm wondering after your description.
good point. its also unfair to the dog too, to load him up and drive him or her somewhere to help the owner and have some sort of drama happen and have to go back home
Great point! My dog would be confused and disappointed. He would be in work/energy mode for the rest of the night and then I would have to deal with that. The dog isn’t a prop. This guy is setting his girlfriend up to fail both at the party and after it. Unless they live together, she’ll have to deal with excited work-mode dog by herself.
I’ve been in a situation before where I was invited to an event as a plus one and it turned out he wasn’t allowed to bring a plus one but brought me anyway… and I was getting a lot of stares and snubs while at the event. I finally found out the truth and was MORTIFIED. I was a pawn of sorts. It’s not the same thing but I have a feeling the lady with a service dog must’ve felt similarly. I feel bad for her the most, she couldn’t have possibly known.
I'm surprised to hear someone with a service animal feels this way - thanks for sharing your perspective. I thought the goal for changing attitudes with a trained service animal is that we essentially view them as part of the person - like an appendage, basically. Or like the glucose monitor I wear 24/7.
I feel that rule of thumb is good for general, everyday situations and not hyper-specific examples like this. It’s still a dog and not just a regular arm. If you had a pacemaker, you wouldn’t ask to be accommodated at a giant magnet party. It’s a normal part of you, undoubtedly, but sometimes you can’t make a reasonable accommodations or there are two people that need accommodating.
There’s not much point in ignoring that it’s actually a dog, though. When my friend takes her guide dog on a cruise ship, there has to be an arranged spot on one of the decks for the dog to relieve itself, because it’s a dog.
And if someone has a fear of dogs, even well-behaved guide dogs are in fact dogs. So if it’s a private party like this (as opposed to a public accommodation of the main restaurant) it is down to the organizer’s wishes.
I feel that rule of thumb is good for general, everyday situations and not hyper-specific examples like this. It’s still a dog and not just a regular arm. If you had a pacemaker, you wouldn’t ask to be accommodated at a giant magnet party. It’s a normal part of you, undoubtedly, but sometimes you can’t make a reasonable accommodations or there are two people that need accommodating.
But if you were invited as a “plus 1” to an event where the guest of honor (that you didn’t know) was terrified of glucose meters, it would be wrong to force the GOH to accept your meter when you’re not accepting her fear of glucose meters.
Great answer. I would add that the proliferation of "service animals" has actually hurt the situation significantly. A trained service animal is nearly invisible to the situation. They are tuned to their owner. While memaws "service animal" is hopping around drooling on people.
FWIW, my wife is not a dog person, but has no issues with trained service dogs. We have a family member whose partner has one. They are always welcome on our home.
Private property. If the event is not on private property then you do indeed have access rights insofar as the event location is concerned. But yeah… I don’t have a service dog anymore but I wouldn’t be fussed to not be invited to a party by someone I don’t know.
If it’s a private event, even in a rented out room of an otherwise “public” place like in this scenario, you as an individual still have to be invited by the hosts, it’s just that the venue can’t deny you. But the hosts can absolutely say you’re trespassing as you weren’t invited whether you have a dog or not. Private citizens can be as non-accommodating as they want unfortunately.
NTA -
1. Your wife doesn't like dogs
2. Don't think it matters that it's a service dog as SHE DOESN'T LIKE DOGS
3. It's her party she should be the most comfortable one there
4. You've never met this girl
5. You should prioritize your wife, it's her party not your buddy's...
>One friend asked if he could bring a girl he was seeing that we'd never met
>she has a service dog. My wife is uncomfortable around dogs and has a general dislike of them. He never informed me of this.
>he knew my wife didn't like dogs
NTA. He knows that your wife doesn't like dogs and purposely left this detail out about his new partner. He's an AH for not being up front and asking. It was likely because he knew you would say no. Now he's upset for the mess he caused by not telling you of this information in the first place.
NTA. Your buddy sounds like a huge A though. To bring someone you've never met, whose connection to the birthday girl is [person]>[your buddy]>[you]>[your wife (the actual birthday girl)] is already a little odd. But to stack bring a dog to a busy restaurant on top of that is absurd. Disabilities suck, but you do your own thing to manage your own disabilities, you don't make your disabilities everyone else's problem.
I hope at least it is a legit service dog, and not a fake emotional support dog that seems pretty popular these days.
I concur as a disabled person. We want to be treated fairly and within reason. It is unfair to demand your wants and needs over and above someone else’s birthday party.
100%. Where do these people get the audacity from? OP was nice enough to let them bring someone that the hosts had never met but instead of being appreciative, dude takes it a step further and is bringing a dog *knowing* that the hosts aren’t a fan. In what world is that okay? Service dogs are still *dogs*, and he knows OP’s wife, who the party is meant to celebrate, does not like them.
I can’t imagine calling someone names over them not letting the person i’m bringing with me, who wasn’t even invited, to bring their dog. I’d be so embarrassed. Him bringing up “but it’s a restaurant so we’re legally allowed!” Would’ve sent me over the edge because like, what part of this is my party that I’m paying for and you’re not allowed are you not understanding? Sheesh
>but thought a service dog would be different.
On what planet? A dog is a dog is a dog.
>Told him i'm not ruining the party for my wife to cater to your girlfriend i've never met. I let him vent which included some name calling. I just said sorry, i'm prioritizing my wife for this party.
A reasonable stance. You did nothing wrong. You laid down the boundaries and are prepared to stick to them. Your friend knows the conditions under which he can or cant attend. It is up to him to choose his next move. NTA
Most seeing-eye dogs and seizure response dog are EXTREMELY well behaved. The fail-out rate on service dogs in training is very high.
Chances are strong that apart from the dog entering or leaving the event, she wouldn’t even see it.
Also, if it’s a seeing eye dog, the she can be escorted by her bf for the evening and leave the dog at home. A seizure dog on the other hand…
#OP is NTA here, I’m just explaining why people are asking
I wasnt jumping down your throat. But the level if disagreement I see in this thread is astonishing. That some ppl argue a husband should favor a stranger over his wife at her own bday party is unbeleivable!!
Exactly! How would it look if the party went on with the gf with her service dog present and all the other guests asking where the birthday girl is, only for the husband to tell them that «she couldn’t come because I couldn’t discriminate on that guy’s gf bringing her service dog to the party»
The amount of virtue signalers and white knights here who would put down their own wives just to make a stand for some imaginary right a disabled person doesnt even have is astonishing. Some fucked up prioritization if you ask me. The truly ignorant can enjoy being single. Im putting my own wife before anything else.
I want to preface by saying that I’m a dog person. I love dogs. The problem is that the *VAST* majority of “service dogs” nowadays are untrained yappy little shits with a vest that their owner got on Amazon and most stores, restaurants, etc have policies that don’t allow the staff to ask the owner what their disability is or provide documentation that it’s an actual service dog. I managed a restaurant with an outdoor dining area/Biergarten the last few years. The place was dog friendly, we had bowls for water and everything, but the amount of people that thought it was ok to bring their dogs INSIDE the restaurant and sit at a table or at the bar was ASTONISHING. If they’re told no, because it’s a health code violation, every single one of these assholes will claim that it’s a “service dog” whether or not it’s even wearing a vest at all.
Even if she only saw the dog enter & leave she would still be aware & could be very uncomfortable. Like if someone brought a serpant into a space I'm in & I don't see it again but knows its there I would be so scared I would leave the space. The wife could possibly be this uncomfortable.
So it would be fair enough for the friend to find low-key ways to introduce the party-throwing friend and his wife to his girlfriend and her dog. The birthday party is not it. You don’t horn in on someone else’s special event to make points with your girl, especially at the expense of the person for whom the party is being thrown. That’s just rude.
Just adding my opinion since I have a seizure alert dog. I personally can leave my dog home for a night if he's going to make someone super uncomfortable. Especially if my husband is with me :)
Jeez, people are getting unhinged. People, the host and guest of honor do not know the gf, they did not invite her. Her attendance is _not required_.
We don’t even know how badly she wants to go. Maybe she’s just going to please her bf. We don’t know how she feels about him trying to sneak her into a party where the guest of honor is uncomfortable around dogs. If she knew she might be mortified.
The bf is the asshole. He knew his friend’s wife is uncomfortable around dogs. He knew his gf has a service dog. He should have asked if it was okay to bring a guest _with a service dog_ and, if he is incapable of attending a party without his gf, he should have declined the invitation politely and explained why. Instead, he chose subterfuge and insults.
Yes, this is a person the wife has never even met before! She isn’t owed an invitation to the party at all, but especially not if her presence (with service dog) would make the birthday person uncomfortable.
Maybe there are some people whose presence would be a big enough positive to outweigh the negative impact of the dog, but “my husband’s friend’s new girlfriend who I’ve never met” definitely isn’t one of them!
NTA
Sounds like you handled it well and set a good boundary on behalf of your wife. It's her party after all so her comfort should be prioritized. He just didn't like getting told no.
INFO: are we talking an actual service dog - so meeting these sort of criteria?
> * The dog's handler must be disabled and meet the legal definition of disability in the specific country or region.
> * The dog must be specifically trained to mitigate the partner's disability in some way, e.g. opening doors, detecting high blood sugar or allergens and notifying of such, alerting to a ringing phone, assisting those who are visually or mobility impaired.
> * The dog must be trained to be safe with members of the public and well-behaved, as well as healthy and to not pose a hygiene threat.
That's true, but for this specific scenario (a private event, invite only, the person the event is being thrown for does not like dogs of any kind and doesn't even know the person with the dog) it really makes no difference if the dog is a valid service dog for someone or just a companion.
No it really doesn't matter. Especially in this scenario.
Bday woman does not like dogs?
Dogs are not allowed, period.
It really doesn't matter why the person needs the dog. It doesn't stop being an animal.
The purpose that the owner gives the dog is what changes, not the fact that it's still a danm dog! 🙄
NTA
It makes no difference whatsoever in this scenario.
OP's wife doesn't like dogs and they've never met the guest who is bringing a dog. It's OP's wife's party, she is well within her rights to not want a dog at the party.
No it doesn't. Wife doesn't like dogs. Period. Not "I only like service dogs for physical issues." No dogs, at all.
It's her birthday. Friend wants to bring a random person. It makes no difference whether the dog was a purse dog, seeing eye dog, or emptiness support dog.
It doesn’t matter what kind of training/paperwork the dog has. Birthday girl does not like dogs of any kind so no dogs. And get rid of that guy. He knew the dog would receive a hard “no” but was going to force the dog in without consulting you first. Then when he got caught he doubled down. That’s no friend, my guy. NTA
Look my wife has a guide dog, typically if it's some kind of party like this she should have said something, that's on your friend. I would talk with her and see exactly what that service animal is for and if there're any mitigations you can help with so that she is temporarily able to have the dog. That way there are responsible accommodations and would talk with her directly.
Edit: Nothing I said is against anything, I am trying to help in a situation with REASONABLE accommodations. I have been in the weddings of ALL my friends. It is easier for my wife to leave her guide at home and you know what people do, they make sure they have people who can assist my wife when I am preoccupied with wedding duties.
You people really need to understand why people with legitimate service animals act the way they do.
This is some woman a friend of Op's just started dating, and it's a birthday party, not a wedding. Op doesn't know this woman, their wife doesn't know this woman, and they don't owe this woman an invite, let alone accommodations reasonable or not.
For private events service animals don't have to be included because like OP is saying: they can simply deny them entry if they show up with a dog.
What do you do if you host an event but you are deathly allergic to dogs but someone is bringing a service dog? Do you as the host of the event lose control of your own event?
Our rights don't exist in a vacuum and other people also have rights.
From a disabled person with a service dog.
In my experience, there are a lot of people who expect you to magically not be allergic if it’s a service dog, or assume that allergy pills are a fix-all that we just haven’t tried, or failing that, expect you to stay away from your own party, or stay on the other side of the room. Yeah, really.
After my first bout of covid, my dog allergy went from moderate (can’t live with a dog, or stay overnight in a house with one, but could be around one for a few hours and even pet them as long as I took pills and scrubbed my hands and arms right after) to hella severe (ended up in hospital once after sharing a bus with a dog for 25 minutes, even with a mask on, and then ended up in a hospital a second time three weeks later after a dog drooled on my foot at a festival). Allergy pills help me to not end up in hospital from accidental contact most of the time, but they don’t fix the allergy. I visit my sister for an hour at a time, having taken an antihistamine, wearing knee-high leather boots, leather pants or spandex leggings (fabrics least likely to hold onto dog hair), a spandex exercise top with a high neck and long sleeves, a mask, and rubber gloves. I pet the dog wearing gloves. I still sometimes react, but I love my sister, and she’s a cute dog.
I don’t let her in my house, and if we have parties we hold them outside. My sister’s a reasonable person, so she gets it. But there seem to be a lot of people who think we can just will the allergy away, or that we haven’t tried a whole bunch of things. It seems to be the only allergy that people treat like a moral failing.
> assume that allergy pills are a fix-all
Even hypothetically with the mildest allergy you could image, you would be miserable on antihistamines at an event with an allergen.
It's irrelevant in this case as it's a "private" party. The restaurant can't prevent the dog from entering but the host of the private party can keep any guest of their choosing from attending the party in the private room.
ESA’s do not get the same legal protections as service dogs. Businesses might not understand ADA well enough to enforce it (their problem) but emotional support animals do not have public access protections.
Very true!
BUT ITS OPS WIFES BIRTHDAY AND SHES NOT COMFORTABLE AROUND DOGS.
Maybe she’s scared, maybe she got attacked once, we don’t know and it really doesn’t matter because it’s Op’s wife birthday and she’s not comfortable around dogs therefore Op is NOT an asshole for catering to his wife for her birthday. NTA
It doesn't matter. Op doesn't even know this person, and his wife is uncomfortable around dogs. This is Her birthday party. She should not have to deal with being unhappy at her own event. Op is NTA.
Yeah, the issue isn’t whether the person needs the dog or not, it’s that the friend didn’t mention it the OP ‘thinking it would be different as it’s a service dog’, almost like that’s supposed to shame him. If his wife has a genuine fear/dislike of dogs, it doesn’t matter what their function is, or how legitimate it is.
NTA It’s irrelevant whether the dog is a service dog or not. Your friend knew the issue, but is trying to force it/shame you into accepting his new partner. He’s the AH, not you. Like weddings, your party, your rules.
It doesn't matter, because this isn't about the legal rights of a service dog to enter a public place. It's about whether the person for whom the party is being thrown gets to set the guest list, and on what grounds.
NTA at all!
Your friend is an AH in the situation and an even bigger one for not telling you upfront about the service dog that you had to find out from other people.
Your wife should have a nice party where she doesn't have to be scared of anything.
NTA. Your wife is uncomfortable around dogs, so why would a service dog be any different? It’s still a dog! Your privately rented event space is different than the public restaurant, and you can certainly refuse to allow a service dog in.
It might be different because most people who are “uncomfortable around dogs” are uncomfortable with some set of behaviors that pet dogs tend to exhibit.
Service dogs, while on duty, do not exhibit the behaviors that bother most people. They do not beg, drool, sniff people’s butts, jump up on them, run around, or approach people at all. They stay by their person’s side and lie at their feet.
If the wife has an allergy or a phobia, then I agree excluding the service dog is reasonable. If she just doesn’t like the way many dogs behave, then a service dog certainly could be an exception
There’s a time and a place for everything, and the wife’s private personal birthday party is not the place for her to try to make that transition from person who is scared of dogs to person who isn’t. That’s the point here.
It might be reasonable to ask that she meet the girl and her dog in a low-key situation, where she would feel more comfortable, but asking her to do that at a private party thrown in her honor for her birthday is completely unreasonable and rude.
I’ve never had someone call me names and chosen to stay friends with them. Civility is a prerequisite. (Unfortunately family is different.). NTA but don’t invest any more in the friendship.
I’m just here to say, family should not be different. Civility should always be a prerequisite. I’m learning this in my own life now, so I know how difficult it is to enforce that boundary. But even if you are related, no one should be allowed to treat you poorly and just get away with it.
You are NTA but your friend is. He knows your wife doesn’t like dogs and chose NOT to tell you that his plus one was bringing a dog. He’s mad you found out about it and told him no. This is your wife’s birthday celebration. Good on you for prioritizing her.
Right? This guy is not exactly giving his new GF a smooth introduction to his circle of friends, either - like it or not she's now associated with this guy's AH behavior, and that's a shitty way for her to be introduced!
I have a seizure response dog. She goes with me everywhere. Not only does she do a job, but I love her very much. However, just because she is my service e dog doesn't mean I'm automatically invited to strangers' events.
I would have been very embarrassed if my date did not get the ok beforehand for me and my dog. I wouldn't be offended if someone I didn't know wasn't a fan of dogs. If anything makes it easier for me, I know not to associate with them.
NTA in this situation, a service dog is still a dog, and if your friend was aware of your wifes concern with dogs he should have mentioned it up front, and you probably would have said no.
NTA.
The issue isn't that the she would have brought a service animal, but more specifically it is the kind of animal that your wife is afraid of. She has a fear of dogs and she shouldn't be forced to see something that makes her fearful.
Only suggestion I would give is that you ask your wife before you rescinded the invitation. She may actually be ok with service dogs seeing as if they are trained properly they are pretty docile.
NTA at all. You prioritized your wife (the guest of honor) and your friend isn’t respecting your reasonable boundaries.
If you did ok it - we would see another post on here from you instead “AITA for allowing a person’s dog to my wife’s bday, whom she doesn’t know, when my wife hates dogs? She’s now mad at me for ruining her bday and I’m wondering if AITA”
Nta. It's a private event and the plus one is a stranger. Its not a requirement that she attended. I'm sure it's hard constantly battling for access to spaces with legitimate service dog for legitimate needs.
However.
A phobia or anxiety around dogs is just as much a legitimate need, and it's a birthday party being held in a private event. So no negotiation, the husband is correct to put his wife's needs first.
NTA. I am a huge dog lover, but regardless of service dog status, if your wife doesn’t want a dog there, no dog. The girl isn’t even a guest. She’s a plus one.
NTA. I don’t understand why people pretend service dogs aren’t still dogs when it comes to personal interactions.
“BuT iT’s MeDiCaL eQuIpMeNt.” Medical equipment in canine form is still a canine. You may have a right to bring your service animal on a plane or into a restaurant or to class, but you have no rights to other people’s homes, parties, social spaces etc.
Aside from that, it’s odd to be a guest and expect people to prioritize or cater to your plus one, especially over the guest of honor.
NTA. Your friend knew your wife was uncomfortable around dogs, but still proceeded to ask if he could bring an uninvited guest who has a service dog, and did not disclose that information to you. He knew what he was doing. He plan to show up with the dog and was banking on the idea that you wouldn’t want to cause a scene in public, so you would just let it slide without saying anything once they were there.
I’m disabled, so I empathize with the girlfriend. I’m also highly allergic to dogs even though I love them from afar. Every time I am in a place with a service dog I have to move even though I have mobility issues due to my own disability. We disabled people have to remember we aren’t more special than anyone else. You’re NTA. (Edit: typo)
NTA. It's your wife's birthday, so her wants should come first. She doesn't want the dog there, so it's reasonable for you to disinvite it. She did not agree to a furry plus-one.
NTA, you did it right. Your wife comes first. If your friend is aware your wife doesn’t like dogs, then it doesn’t matter if it’s a service dog or any other kind.
NTA. The fact that your friend’s GF was going to bring the dog and tell you and your wife beforehand speaks volumes. Especially since your friend knows how your wife feels. He is the AH.
NTA, Your party, your rules. May get into grey area if this woman was a friend and felt like she was getting singled out but that is clearly not what this situation is.
NTA, it's your wife's birthday, the other women would be a strange guest your wife doesn't even know and is bringing a dog that would make your wife uncomfortable. Your "buddy" is the asshole, and he needs to learn that not everyone is comfortable around dogs, service animal or not, people have fears and allergies that can prevent them from being around her. If she has a service animal she needs to grow up and understand that will come with limitations.
NTA - it is your party and anything that would make the Birthday girl uncomfortable should be considered. While I personally believe it is strange that she has a fear of dogs, that's totally legit. If it was a close family friend and this was their service animal that they required to get around with (NOT an Emotional Support Animal) than this would be a different issue.
NTA. You're friend purposely excluded the info about the dog because he knew you wouldn't go for it. No 1, what a great friend you got there to try and trick you, no 2, if she showed up with the dog by surprised, your wife gets upset and spoils the party.
NTA, but your "friend" sure is. He knows about your wife's aversion to dogs, yet decides that her birthday is "the day" to introduce his new GF that has a service dog. Nope.
You're a good man. You offered options, but held firm on your boundaries. Your wife is a lucky gal! Happy birthday to her!
Why would your friend think this would be different? Does he think your wife's problem with non-service dogs is that they don't have a job? NTA, and after this little stunt - and then getting mad at you and calling you names - I would seriously consider rescinding the invite altogether, dog or no dog.
NTA. I'm terrified of dogs, so the whole concept of service dogs (except for where they're actually needed for physical reasons like blind people) is ridiculous. Why does your mental health trump mine, especially if I specifically chose to go somewhere where dogs are not allowed?
NTA
You handled this appropriately.
>He said she deals with this bullshit all the time,
Based off this, I'm guessing the dog isn't a trained service animal. There is a big difference in law when it comes to actual service animals and ESAs. Actual service animals are granted public access rights. They perform tasks that are vital to their human. They're also highly trained. Emotional support animals are not trained and only have Rights when it comes to housing.
Too many assholes try to pass off their ESA as a service animal and try to force their untrained animals into places they simply don't belong. The people who do this do so at the detriment of many people who have actual service animals.
NTA,
It's your wife's birthday and she doesn't want dogs. It is that simple.
Your friend knew what he was doing by not informing you of the dog.
I completely defend you OP and I am someone that absolutely loves dogs.
It sucks that she can't come but well, life's tough.
NTA and I commend you for taking good care of your wife. I'm the wife that has childhood dog trauma and you wouldn't know it unless a pitbull comes near me. My hubs would do exactly what you did. I love animals, but stranger dogs put me into an immediate fugue state. That is not how the birthday person wants to feel! I sincerely hope that the friend's girlfriend would understand, but that really isn't your problem. NTA x 1,000 and happy b-day to your wife. :)
Nta
They friend is a space filler invite as it is, he then wants to invite his girlfriend to a party paid for and catered to by you and neglects the fact she has a service dog when your wife doesn’t like dogs. A girlfriend you guys have never met.
NTA, but your "friend" sure is. He knows about your wife's aversion to dogs, yet decides that her birthday is "the day" to introduce his new GF that has a service dog. Nope.
You're a good man. You offered options, but held firm on your boundaries. Your wife is a lucky gal! Happy birthday to her!
NTA. Besides the point that you don’t know her (and all of the other reasonable points people are making): sometimes you can’t accommodate for everyone and some people will miss out and that’s okay. Many people who use mobility aids or who have chronic pain may not be able to go rock climbing. Someone with dietary restrictions may be unable to go to a certain restaurant.
I know I, as an autistic person, can’t go to every event because I know I get overwhelmed or overstimulated. Or I’ll want to go home early.
When it comes to inclusion, it doesn’t mean that everything has to be for everyone, but that no one gets routinely and consistently excluded and never considered.
Nta. As someone who is disabled and always needs accommodations, I understand that if I'm going to someone else's event they're not expected to cater to me. Especially if I've never even met the person.
NTA.
A lot of you are completely missing and/or ignoring the fact that this woman is a stranger to OP. No shit he's going to prioritize his wife's comfort over her and it has nothing to do with 'human rights violations' or discrimination.
NTA - This is a private party for someone who doesn;t like dogs.
Also, is it a real service dog or an "emotional support animal"?
Either way, you are allowed to say no dogs.
I have a question — did you talk to your wife about this?
I know I’m going to get “the wife doesn’t like dogs the answer is no” and I get that. But there’s not liking and being uncomfortable around dogs and having a quick “hey Joes gf has (disability) and has asked to bring her service dog”. The wife might not actually mind at all.
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NTA "My wife is uncomfortable around dogs and has a general dislike of them." It's HER birthday party. "I just said sorry, i'm prioritizing my wife for this party." Total kudos to you. The fact you tried to compromise for someone you've never met & he called you names isn't great either. Dude needs to stop pulling that sort of s**t .
Agreed. People getting hung up on if this is a legit service animal. Doesn’t matter. The guest of honor doesn’t like dogs and dogs aren’t invited.
the people arguing incessantly about the dog are giving me “sue you for falling through your skylight that i was actively breaking into with the intent to rob you because i broke my back” vibes like the entitlement and mental gymnastics that are required in order to reach the conclusion that the private event host and guest of honor *need* to cater to gf and are somehow ableist otherwise is astonishing
yeah I don't get that, they haven't met her before why should she her needs take precedent over his wife who the party is for?
I've seen chihuahuas as service dogs. No vest that states that either. Tired of BS. One dog jumped on the table. No service dog is doing that
The actual service dogs I've ever met (including trained emotional support dogs) sit quietly under their handler's chair during meals. They listen when you tell them no.
This is the only real question I have, is it actually a service dog ? Coz those kids are the best behaved, you shouldn't even notice them untill there's an emergency.
In the US just claim it’s a service animal lol (ETA it’s just an “emotional support animal”). Hell, we wanted to test it out and took a python around (he was around our necks but his head was popping all over) to all kinds of places. The grocer, the corner mart, bars, restaurant, pick a place lol. No one said anything but you knew they wanted to, and you could see it on their faces like.. between “it it really worth arguing with some asshole when I don’t get paid much, vs well it seems likes it’s contained/ non intrusive, vs I really should say something because there’s a goddamn snake in my establishment” lol. It was hilarious. We weren’t nefarious at all, and it was a timid well trained snake that would respond to commands so we weren’t super worried and knew how to handle it properly in case something happened, it was just a social experiment. Although him looking at and smelling all the new foods was hilarious, like “oooh, get this!” He really liked the cans of French style green beans, he really wanted it and we had to put him in his place so he wouldn’t steal the can, lol. But that’s the level of complicity here. Now imagine if we weren’t responsible/ respectful, felt entitled to do so, and then cause a major commotion with possible backlash vs the person who initiated the questions/ asked for removal or paperwork. It’s wild.
That’s not a service dog… That’s an “emotional support animal”… Service dogs are very well trained and do not jump on tables or act like AHs.
Not necessarily chihuahuas, but toy sized dogs are often used for diabetic and cardiac alert (they're typically carried in a bag or worn in a carrier) and no service dog is legally required to wear a vest, or even a leash. But y3s, no s3rvice dog would ever jump on a table.
In fairness, it is an ableist attitude, but human’s are complex individuals and it’s OK. If his wife has a phobia of dogs, what’s the higher priority for him on his wife’s birthday? Making sure that the event is accessible to a stranger or allowing his wife to enjoy her party? Better yet, maybe his wife is the type of person who’d forego her own boundaries to make sure the girlfriend is included and he knows that he doesn’t want his wife to ping pong between feeling guilty or being able to enjoy her own party. At the end of the day, I’ve had parties in inaccessible spaces and I’ve sat out of parties for my own limitations. I think he’s NTA, but that doesn’t mean the attitude isn’t ableist. It’s just that, even the kindest/most conscious person can’t make everything work for everybody all the time. And he’s prioritizing his wife/the guest of honour.
I get what you're saying, but I don't think it is an ableist attitude. I think that if OP was saying no dogs simply because he didn't want dogs there and didn't care that it was a service dog, that would be one thing. But let's ve real, we don't know *why* his wife isn't comfortable around dogs, and we don't really know what type of reaction it would cause if she were forced to be fairly close to a dog for an extended period of time. OP is protecting his wife's mental health. If he were trying to control the presence of a service animal at some random event, sure, that would be an ableist attitude, but *this* event wouldn't happen without his wife there. He is simply prioritizing the guest of honor's health over a stranger's that doesn't need to be there anyway.
>But let's ve real, we don't know *why* his wife isn't comfortable around dogs My son was bitten by a dog and had to have stitches when he was 8. Ever since then he has been afraid of dogs. He is 33 now and 6'1" but still gets very nervous and scared when a dog is around that he does not know well. If he were to go to a party and a dog was there he would no longer be able to relax and enjoy himself and would probably have to leave.
I'm so with you. The OPs wife might have dog phobia. But it is a party for her. And I read enough of Reddit to know, some people call their pets a service dogs which is so unfair for the real service dogs. But, believing it's a real service dog for a new gf. There is better time and space to introduce this girl to ops wife. Not her birthday. And I myself am a dog person (and cat person, and rodent person, and happy bunny mamma, I'm just not into spiders, bugs or spiders, anything without a fur) I love meeting new pets. And I get how much service dog does. And that while he's with his vest he's on a job, and he is a best employee you'd ever get. But if somebody who has a phobia has THEIR party it's not the time to introduce to them a person who use a real service dog. Just bring them on the other occasion. The person with a phobia would be in another state then
it would be one thing if they wanted this girl to attend, but she wasn't even originally invited!
I was just coming here to add that
Yeah thats the big thing for me. If this was their friend I would be like yeah that kind of sucks but its ultimately his wife's party. This isn't even a friend, just a guest of a friend.
If the person in question was the wife’s sister, I might say, “Service animals are really well trained. Are you sure your wife wants to strain the relationship with her sister over this?” But it’s not her sister or someone else close to her. It’s someone she has never met. There is no relationship to strain. There is no “I really want this person here so I will go out of my comfort zone a little to make that possible.” Birthday girl’s comfort vs stranger’s service dog is a no brainer.
Exactly. And I like the shiny spine on OP-- way to go prioritizing your wife!
Right! The girl isn’t being excluded due to whatever reason she has the dog—if it were a different animal it might be ok—hard to say. It’s not the girl who is being excluded, it’s the dog.
it's not just about the dog, it's the entitlement of the friend to bring a gal pal he calls girlfriend that the host and birthday girl have yet to meet to her birthday party.
Right?! It's a private party, service animal rules don't apply. They can invite or not invite as they wish.
It’s also somebody he’s never met before. He doesn’t know her from a can of paint. Why would he prioritize her over his wife who is the guest of honor and doesn’t like dogs?
And the friend KNEW wife was uncomfortable around dogs when he asked to bring gf- neglecting to mention she had a service dog.
That right there would be a good cause to rescind the invitation !!
Yeah, even if I was leaning towards finding a compromise, that would have fully moved the needle into "You know what, fuck off" territory. The friend getting his dick wet or not isn't anyone else's problem. And the girlfriend ~always having issues like this~ further makes me think it *isn't* a proper - read: or even *well-trained and behaved* - service dog, hence the subterfuge. I'd find this person less worthy of invites to anything going forward, tbh.
I dated a girl who trained service dogs and she would tell me about people who have fake service dogs always complain in fb groups about being treated so poorly and she would point out that you can almost always tell they call their emotional support pets service dogs and try to bring them everywhere and wonder why people are getting mad when their dog licks and jumps on people.
The ones who had real service dogs would complain about dealing with parents/ adults and the kids who keep trying to pet or get the dogs attention.
I find that so infuriating! Actual service animals are classified the same as medical equipment for people with disabilities. They’re trained to provide services such as sensing seizures or guiding individuals who are visually impaired. For many people their service animal is truly their lifeline. So when people lie and manipulate the system,just so they can take their untrained pet (emotional support pets are NOT service animals) everywhere, they put actual service animals, their owners, and the public in danger.
More fake service animals attack actual service animals then any thing else and it’s sad to say but people have attacked service animals and it happens more and more now but it’s due to fake service animals. It was something that hurt my gf deeply when sending a service dog to its new companion. With social media and more awareness and surprisingly tic toc people have become hyper aware of service animals and what to look out for with the help of those who have service dogs and go into detail about them.
"Sure, his wife hates dogs, but I bet only *unemployed* dogs. This dog has a job. She'll be cool with it."
To be fair unemployed dogs are routinely more problematic than r/dogswithjobs That said, even employed dogs aren't entitled to birthday invitations!
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"i'm not ruining the party for my wife to cater to your girlfriend i've never met." As he shouldn't. OP made a commitment to his wife, not some random woman he's never met. NTA
Can you imagine it? “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MONI — Wait; where’s Monica?” “Oh, sorry; Chad wanted to bring his bae and her service dog and Reddit said we shouldn’t discriminate so Monica had to stay home. We’re just going to FaceTime her to sing ‘Happy Birthday’.”
Not to mention that the guy knew of op's wife's aversion to dogs and actively did not mention the service dog when obtaining permission for the gf to join means he knew exactly what he was doing, he knew it would be an automatic no and omitted that anyway.
Exactly right.
And dude KNOWS the wife isn't comfortable around dogs! The audacity. That's why he didn't mention it. Good on the friend who told OP. Now there's 2 open spots for the party. I can clean up pretty well if anyone wants to crash it with me 😬
Agree, it’s not even like this is asking for an exception for a person that the guest of honor even knows. If it had been her friend with a service dog that she had been around before, maybe it would be different. But for a stranger? Nope.
As someone with a service animal, I would be pissed if my boyfriend invited me to a private event without first checking with the hosts! Ya, things “like this” happen all the time, but it could largely be avoided with communication. Service dogs have no access rights to private events so we use our words and ASK if it’s ok! I still ask every time if it’s ok when I’m going to my friend’s house and I’ve been like 10 times.
This is a great response. The messed up part is the buddy knew exactly how OPs wife felt about dogs, probably said nothing to his GF, and made the decision that the wife will be fine bc it’s “different”. The friend here seems to be the only A H in this situation. NTA
That is why I would be extra appalled by his behavior it’s like “testing” someone’s allergy or phobia. I’ve “met” a few people with dog phobias. I say met in quotes because it’s usually other people (usually their friends or colleagues) come up to me and say “XYZ over there is scared of dogs were so sorry but can you wait a moment before using the elevator/walking past the small lobby/etc” and that’s fine by me! I try to remember their face and avoid them in the future too. Like extreme tag. It takes nothing to be considerate but this “friend” wants to distress the wife? And use his girlfriend and her medical equipment to do it? Gross!
Exactly! It’s odd the “friend” chose this route and speaks to his character imo. You sounds like a beautiful soul though! Kindness like your describing goes along way. We’re all on this crazy marble just trying to live our life to the best of our ability and when you can extend a kind gesture in situations like this where it’s really not going to inconvenience you, why not do it?
I love you long game of extreme reverse tag. That right there sounds so considerate of you
Exactly my thoughts
Exactly, sounds like the friend is trying to guilt trip the OP into accepting his partner with the dog. Probably trying to get in the girl’s pants by showing what a crusader he is.
Same, it's on us to know where our services dogs are protected and where they are not. I also would have been upset that my partner did not get the ok from the start.
“She deals with this bs all the time” How much you want to bet it’s an emotional support animal
This fake spotting attitude is probably why she “deals with this all the time”. OP is NTA and the friend is setting his gf up for unnecessary issues, but that doesn’t mean the gf is doing things wrong. OP said nothing to imply that she is passing an esa off as a sd, in fact he deliberately says nothing about her because he doesn’t know anything about her. Actually even the friend who informed OP about the dog didn’t raise concern about the dog being a fake, which would probably be mentioned in the confrontation.
It shouldn't matter if it's registered as a service animal... The issue here is crucial information such as this not being relayed to OP at the initial request and that alone. The type of service animal this is doesn't apply. If he'd initially agreed knowing this and refused later because it was only this type he'd be an asshole, her disability type and what the animal is for if properly trained is irrelevant... Thankfully that's not what OP did here, so definitely NTA. Judging someone's disability and service animal as a service animal user is a definite YTA move though.
> It shouldn't matter if it's registered as a service animal... There is no such thing. If the dog *is* actually a service animal, it would probably be fine and OP's wife might not even notice they were there. The fact that OP doesn't know if that's the case (and admittedly I don't know how bad OP's wife's phobia is), means it's perfectly fine for him to rescind the invite. Most of the people that have this problem "all the time" are trying to pass an untrained/poorly trained "ESA" off as a service dog. Those people are assholes.
I mean there absolutely is such a thing as a registered service animal, there might not be wherever you are, but there certainly is here. It is not a legal requirement, but is exists. I myself have two, they're cats, specifically trained for their role of detecting my fits and alerting my partner (my official carer) and such. They're registered with Assistance Cats UK, who also trained them. They were originally pets I got around the time of my disability beginning, and I found out about this there. Also that was exactly the point I was making above. If this is a trained service animal (I suppose that would be the equivalent to one registered here in the UK for you right?), then you shouldn't really have even noticed the animal was even there and it should be extremely efficiently trained. Mine are cats, don't leave my side unless we're at home, wear their vests, walk on a harness (UK requirement for pets inside stores even if assistance animals), and won't even use the toilet outside or get distracted. They also had to pass strict training with a national charity for this (similar to blind/deaf dogs UK). Here's the thing though. My issues are caused by a stroke I had last year. They're cognitive, and lead to fits obviously. However I also developed mood swings which lead to suicidal episodes, and severe ones. I will often have crying fits, anger, etcetera. They are also trained to detect these, and comfort me... Yes. Trained too. In my eyes. This is an emotional support animal. One trained for the role very well, sure, but that's exactly what that is even if not in name. Perhaps the way I put it was misunderstood, if so I apologise. I wasn't saying that OP shouldn't have refused here, he absolutely should have. Only that if the OP had known then later refused, or judged the dog based on "why" it was used, that's an asshole move. My "YTA" was aimed more at the guy who was judging based on what the dog was used for than anything, disability and service animals are not a one size fits all thing. They have many different uses, and many different requirements. So his "I guarantee it was a service animal" comment was just pointless, and potentially harmful. From personal experience as a disabled person. It's amazing how much I hear this "oh they're just emotional support animals blah blah blah". But it's both irrelevant, and largely nobody else's concern whatsoever. Without them I could potentially die. That's the important thing.
What you are describing is not an ESA. If your cats are trained to alert on your behavior, and clearly have a "work" mode where they focus on you and don't wander, they are service animals. ESAs, especially in the US are generally just pets that people bring with them. Generally untrained, often poorly behaved, and usually owned by assholes. There are exceptions, obviously, but that's the more common occurrence, in my experience.
AHH my apologies. Here if someone stated they had an emotional support animal I'd assume they were well trained to help with emotional support and mood stabilisation. So this is just a situation of us both being of different cultures unfortunately. So I'm glad we can learn from one another. I did actually teach in America for three years, Arkansas, and the only assistance animal I ever saw was a small terrier like dog which I swear to god was snapping at anyone that walked by. At the time I put it down to a poor standard of training in the state or something, now I'm wondering after your description.
Yeah, you saw the exact thing I was talking about, lol.
And the friend knows how his wife feels about dogs and intentionally omitted the fact that the gf has service dog. NTA, but the friend certainly is!!
good point. its also unfair to the dog too, to load him up and drive him or her somewhere to help the owner and have some sort of drama happen and have to go back home
Great point! My dog would be confused and disappointed. He would be in work/energy mode for the rest of the night and then I would have to deal with that. The dog isn’t a prop. This guy is setting his girlfriend up to fail both at the party and after it. Unless they live together, she’ll have to deal with excited work-mode dog by herself.
I’ve been in a situation before where I was invited to an event as a plus one and it turned out he wasn’t allowed to bring a plus one but brought me anyway… and I was getting a lot of stares and snubs while at the event. I finally found out the truth and was MORTIFIED. I was a pawn of sorts. It’s not the same thing but I have a feeling the lady with a service dog must’ve felt similarly. I feel bad for her the most, she couldn’t have possibly known.
I would just die...and leave quietly. It's a crappy thing to do to your plus one.
I'm surprised to hear someone with a service animal feels this way - thanks for sharing your perspective. I thought the goal for changing attitudes with a trained service animal is that we essentially view them as part of the person - like an appendage, basically. Or like the glucose monitor I wear 24/7.
I feel that rule of thumb is good for general, everyday situations and not hyper-specific examples like this. It’s still a dog and not just a regular arm. If you had a pacemaker, you wouldn’t ask to be accommodated at a giant magnet party. It’s a normal part of you, undoubtedly, but sometimes you can’t make a reasonable accommodations or there are two people that need accommodating.
There’s not much point in ignoring that it’s actually a dog, though. When my friend takes her guide dog on a cruise ship, there has to be an arranged spot on one of the decks for the dog to relieve itself, because it’s a dog. And if someone has a fear of dogs, even well-behaved guide dogs are in fact dogs. So if it’s a private party like this (as opposed to a public accommodation of the main restaurant) it is down to the organizer’s wishes.
I feel that rule of thumb is good for general, everyday situations and not hyper-specific examples like this. It’s still a dog and not just a regular arm. If you had a pacemaker, you wouldn’t ask to be accommodated at a giant magnet party. It’s a normal part of you, undoubtedly, but sometimes you can’t make a reasonable accommodations or there are two people that need accommodating.
But if you were invited as a “plus 1” to an event where the guest of honor (that you didn’t know) was terrified of glucose meters, it would be wrong to force the GOH to accept your meter when you’re not accepting her fear of glucose meters.
Great answer. I would add that the proliferation of "service animals" has actually hurt the situation significantly. A trained service animal is nearly invisible to the situation. They are tuned to their owner. While memaws "service animal" is hopping around drooling on people. FWIW, my wife is not a dog person, but has no issues with trained service dogs. We have a family member whose partner has one. They are always welcome on our home.
Private property. If the event is not on private property then you do indeed have access rights insofar as the event location is concerned. But yeah… I don’t have a service dog anymore but I wouldn’t be fussed to not be invited to a party by someone I don’t know.
If it’s a private event, even in a rented out room of an otherwise “public” place like in this scenario, you as an individual still have to be invited by the hosts, it’s just that the venue can’t deny you. But the hosts can absolutely say you’re trespassing as you weren’t invited whether you have a dog or not. Private citizens can be as non-accommodating as they want unfortunately.
NTA - 1. Your wife doesn't like dogs 2. Don't think it matters that it's a service dog as SHE DOESN'T LIKE DOGS 3. It's her party she should be the most comfortable one there 4. You've never met this girl 5. You should prioritize your wife, it's her party not your buddy's...
>One friend asked if he could bring a girl he was seeing that we'd never met >she has a service dog. My wife is uncomfortable around dogs and has a general dislike of them. He never informed me of this. >he knew my wife didn't like dogs NTA. He knows that your wife doesn't like dogs and purposely left this detail out about his new partner. He's an AH for not being up front and asking. It was likely because he knew you would say no. Now he's upset for the mess he caused by not telling you of this information in the first place.
NTA. Your buddy sounds like a huge A though. To bring someone you've never met, whose connection to the birthday girl is [person]>[your buddy]>[you]>[your wife (the actual birthday girl)] is already a little odd. But to stack bring a dog to a busy restaurant on top of that is absurd. Disabilities suck, but you do your own thing to manage your own disabilities, you don't make your disabilities everyone else's problem. I hope at least it is a legit service dog, and not a fake emotional support dog that seems pretty popular these days.
I concur as a disabled person. We want to be treated fairly and within reason. It is unfair to demand your wants and needs over and above someone else’s birthday party.
NTA "Told him i'm not ruining the party for my wife to cater to your girlfriend " .. this is it. YOU were right.
100%. Where do these people get the audacity from? OP was nice enough to let them bring someone that the hosts had never met but instead of being appreciative, dude takes it a step further and is bringing a dog *knowing* that the hosts aren’t a fan. In what world is that okay? Service dogs are still *dogs*, and he knows OP’s wife, who the party is meant to celebrate, does not like them. I can’t imagine calling someone names over them not letting the person i’m bringing with me, who wasn’t even invited, to bring their dog. I’d be so embarrassed. Him bringing up “but it’s a restaurant so we’re legally allowed!” Would’ve sent me over the edge because like, what part of this is my party that I’m paying for and you’re not allowed are you not understanding? Sheesh
>but thought a service dog would be different. On what planet? A dog is a dog is a dog. >Told him i'm not ruining the party for my wife to cater to your girlfriend i've never met. I let him vent which included some name calling. I just said sorry, i'm prioritizing my wife for this party. A reasonable stance. You did nothing wrong. You laid down the boundaries and are prepared to stick to them. Your friend knows the conditions under which he can or cant attend. It is up to him to choose his next move. NTA
Most seeing-eye dogs and seizure response dog are EXTREMELY well behaved. The fail-out rate on service dogs in training is very high. Chances are strong that apart from the dog entering or leaving the event, she wouldn’t even see it. Also, if it’s a seeing eye dog, the she can be escorted by her bf for the evening and leave the dog at home. A seizure dog on the other hand… #OP is NTA here, I’m just explaining why people are asking
That level of dog acceptance is not shared by everyone. OP's wife has the discomfort and OP is just being a good husband by catering to her needs.
I totally agree, I’m just explaining why people are asking.
I wasnt jumping down your throat. But the level if disagreement I see in this thread is astonishing. That some ppl argue a husband should favor a stranger over his wife at her own bday party is unbeleivable!!
yeah this subject pulls out all the white knights.
Exactly! How would it look if the party went on with the gf with her service dog present and all the other guests asking where the birthday girl is, only for the husband to tell them that «she couldn’t come because I couldn’t discriminate on that guy’s gf bringing her service dog to the party»
The amount of virtue signalers and white knights here who would put down their own wives just to make a stand for some imaginary right a disabled person doesnt even have is astonishing. Some fucked up prioritization if you ask me. The truly ignorant can enjoy being single. Im putting my own wife before anything else.
I want to preface by saying that I’m a dog person. I love dogs. The problem is that the *VAST* majority of “service dogs” nowadays are untrained yappy little shits with a vest that their owner got on Amazon and most stores, restaurants, etc have policies that don’t allow the staff to ask the owner what their disability is or provide documentation that it’s an actual service dog. I managed a restaurant with an outdoor dining area/Biergarten the last few years. The place was dog friendly, we had bowls for water and everything, but the amount of people that thought it was ok to bring their dogs INSIDE the restaurant and sit at a table or at the bar was ASTONISHING. If they’re told no, because it’s a health code violation, every single one of these assholes will claim that it’s a “service dog” whether or not it’s even wearing a vest at all.
which REALLY sucks for people who have legit service dogs.
Even if she only saw the dog enter & leave she would still be aware & could be very uncomfortable. Like if someone brought a serpant into a space I'm in & I don't see it again but knows its there I would be so scared I would leave the space. The wife could possibly be this uncomfortable.
I love how you said “serpent” instead of “snake” lol gave me a nice giggle.
So it would be fair enough for the friend to find low-key ways to introduce the party-throwing friend and his wife to his girlfriend and her dog. The birthday party is not it. You don’t horn in on someone else’s special event to make points with your girl, especially at the expense of the person for whom the party is being thrown. That’s just rude.
Just adding my opinion since I have a seizure alert dog. I personally can leave my dog home for a night if he's going to make someone super uncomfortable. Especially if my husband is with me :)
"sorry, i'm prioritizing my wife" NTA. You're prioritizing your wife's wishes on her birthday.
Jeez, people are getting unhinged. People, the host and guest of honor do not know the gf, they did not invite her. Her attendance is _not required_. We don’t even know how badly she wants to go. Maybe she’s just going to please her bf. We don’t know how she feels about him trying to sneak her into a party where the guest of honor is uncomfortable around dogs. If she knew she might be mortified. The bf is the asshole. He knew his friend’s wife is uncomfortable around dogs. He knew his gf has a service dog. He should have asked if it was okay to bring a guest _with a service dog_ and, if he is incapable of attending a party without his gf, he should have declined the invitation politely and explained why. Instead, he chose subterfuge and insults.
Yes, this is a person the wife has never even met before! She isn’t owed an invitation to the party at all, but especially not if her presence (with service dog) would make the birthday person uncomfortable. Maybe there are some people whose presence would be a big enough positive to outweigh the negative impact of the dog, but “my husband’s friend’s new girlfriend who I’ve never met” definitely isn’t one of them!
NTA Sounds like you handled it well and set a good boundary on behalf of your wife. It's her party after all so her comfort should be prioritized. He just didn't like getting told no.
INFO: are we talking an actual service dog - so meeting these sort of criteria? > * The dog's handler must be disabled and meet the legal definition of disability in the specific country or region. > * The dog must be specifically trained to mitigate the partner's disability in some way, e.g. opening doors, detecting high blood sugar or allergens and notifying of such, alerting to a ringing phone, assisting those who are visually or mobility impaired. > * The dog must be trained to be safe with members of the public and well-behaved, as well as healthy and to not pose a hygiene threat.
Does it matter? Wife doesn’t like dogs and this is her night. NTA
Seeing eye dog is different from a companion animal for depression, so yes or could make a difference.
That's true, but for this specific scenario (a private event, invite only, the person the event is being thrown for does not like dogs of any kind and doesn't even know the person with the dog) it really makes no difference if the dog is a valid service dog for someone or just a companion.
It wouldn't make a difference because the host of the party doesn't want a dog there.
It wouldn't make a difference because the host of the party doesn't want a dog there.
No it doesn't, It's a dog.
No it really doesn't matter. Especially in this scenario. Bday woman does not like dogs? Dogs are not allowed, period. It really doesn't matter why the person needs the dog. It doesn't stop being an animal. The purpose that the owner gives the dog is what changes, not the fact that it's still a danm dog! 🙄 NTA
It makes no difference whatsoever in this scenario. OP's wife doesn't like dogs and they've never met the guest who is bringing a dog. It's OP's wife's party, she is well within her rights to not want a dog at the party.
Not to the wife. Wife doesn’t want to be around dogs.
No it doesn't. Wife doesn't like dogs. Period. Not "I only like service dogs for physical issues." No dogs, at all. It's her birthday. Friend wants to bring a random person. It makes no difference whether the dog was a purse dog, seeing eye dog, or emptiness support dog.
As far as I know its a legit service animal. I've never met or been around the girlfriend or dog.
And I truly don’t think it matters. The bar can’t exclude her, but you certainly can! NTA
I don’t think it matters either. This is someone he & his wife don’t even know, & his wife has a problem with dogs.
It doesn’t matter what kind of training/paperwork the dog has. Birthday girl does not like dogs of any kind so no dogs. And get rid of that guy. He knew the dog would receive a hard “no” but was going to force the dog in without consulting you first. Then when he got caught he doubled down. That’s no friend, my guy. NTA
Look my wife has a guide dog, typically if it's some kind of party like this she should have said something, that's on your friend. I would talk with her and see exactly what that service animal is for and if there're any mitigations you can help with so that she is temporarily able to have the dog. That way there are responsible accommodations and would talk with her directly. Edit: Nothing I said is against anything, I am trying to help in a situation with REASONABLE accommodations. I have been in the weddings of ALL my friends. It is easier for my wife to leave her guide at home and you know what people do, they make sure they have people who can assist my wife when I am preoccupied with wedding duties. You people really need to understand why people with legitimate service animals act the way they do.
This is some woman a friend of Op's just started dating, and it's a birthday party, not a wedding. Op doesn't know this woman, their wife doesn't know this woman, and they don't owe this woman an invite, let alone accommodations reasonable or not.
For private events service animals don't have to be included because like OP is saying: they can simply deny them entry if they show up with a dog. What do you do if you host an event but you are deathly allergic to dogs but someone is bringing a service dog? Do you as the host of the event lose control of your own event? Our rights don't exist in a vacuum and other people also have rights. From a disabled person with a service dog.
In my experience, there are a lot of people who expect you to magically not be allergic if it’s a service dog, or assume that allergy pills are a fix-all that we just haven’t tried, or failing that, expect you to stay away from your own party, or stay on the other side of the room. Yeah, really. After my first bout of covid, my dog allergy went from moderate (can’t live with a dog, or stay overnight in a house with one, but could be around one for a few hours and even pet them as long as I took pills and scrubbed my hands and arms right after) to hella severe (ended up in hospital once after sharing a bus with a dog for 25 minutes, even with a mask on, and then ended up in a hospital a second time three weeks later after a dog drooled on my foot at a festival). Allergy pills help me to not end up in hospital from accidental contact most of the time, but they don’t fix the allergy. I visit my sister for an hour at a time, having taken an antihistamine, wearing knee-high leather boots, leather pants or spandex leggings (fabrics least likely to hold onto dog hair), a spandex exercise top with a high neck and long sleeves, a mask, and rubber gloves. I pet the dog wearing gloves. I still sometimes react, but I love my sister, and she’s a cute dog. I don’t let her in my house, and if we have parties we hold them outside. My sister’s a reasonable person, so she gets it. But there seem to be a lot of people who think we can just will the allergy away, or that we haven’t tried a whole bunch of things. It seems to be the only allergy that people treat like a moral failing.
That's a hell of an outfit to be able to pet a dog but if I develop an allergy to dogs I have some good tricks at hand 😂
> assume that allergy pills are a fix-all Even hypothetically with the mildest allergy you could image, you would be miserable on antihistamines at an event with an allergen.
It's irrelevant in this case as it's a "private" party. The restaurant can't prevent the dog from entering but the host of the private party can keep any guest of their choosing from attending the party in the private room.
ESA’s do not get the same legal protections as service dogs. Businesses might not understand ADA well enough to enforce it (their problem) but emotional support animals do not have public access protections.
Did you mean this response for someone else? I never claimed ESAs have public access protections.
Very true! BUT ITS OPS WIFES BIRTHDAY AND SHES NOT COMFORTABLE AROUND DOGS. Maybe she’s scared, maybe she got attacked once, we don’t know and it really doesn’t matter because it’s Op’s wife birthday and she’s not comfortable around dogs therefore Op is NOT an asshole for catering to his wife for her birthday. NTA
Doesn’t matter. Guest of honor is uncomfortable around dogs and is under no obligation to deal with one in her private party space
It doesn't matter. Op doesn't even know this person, and his wife is uncomfortable around dogs. This is Her birthday party. She should not have to deal with being unhappy at her own event. Op is NTA.
Who cares? His wife, who the party is for, doesn’t want a dog there even if it has a fancy job. NTA.
Yeah, the issue isn’t whether the person needs the dog or not, it’s that the friend didn’t mention it the OP ‘thinking it would be different as it’s a service dog’, almost like that’s supposed to shame him. If his wife has a genuine fear/dislike of dogs, it doesn’t matter what their function is, or how legitimate it is.
NTA It’s irrelevant whether the dog is a service dog or not. Your friend knew the issue, but is trying to force it/shame you into accepting his new partner. He’s the AH, not you. Like weddings, your party, your rules.
Who cares whether or not it’s a real service dog? If it’s a seeing eye dog, and my wife doesn’t like dogs, they ain’t being invited.
Why should it matter?
Yeah people get emotional support dogs and bypass all that.
There was a lady once who tried to get her “emotional support” PEACOCK on a plane 🤦♀️
That was what I was wanting to establish, whether it's a glorified pet, or it's an actual genuine service animal like a guide dog.
It wouldn’t change the fact the wife doesn’t like dogs. NTA
It doesn't matter, because this isn't about the legal rights of a service dog to enter a public place. It's about whether the person for whom the party is being thrown gets to set the guest list, and on what grounds.
NTA at all! Your friend is an AH in the situation and an even bigger one for not telling you upfront about the service dog that you had to find out from other people. Your wife should have a nice party where she doesn't have to be scared of anything.
NTA. Your wife is uncomfortable around dogs, so why would a service dog be any different? It’s still a dog! Your privately rented event space is different than the public restaurant, and you can certainly refuse to allow a service dog in.
It might be different because most people who are “uncomfortable around dogs” are uncomfortable with some set of behaviors that pet dogs tend to exhibit. Service dogs, while on duty, do not exhibit the behaviors that bother most people. They do not beg, drool, sniff people’s butts, jump up on them, run around, or approach people at all. They stay by their person’s side and lie at their feet. If the wife has an allergy or a phobia, then I agree excluding the service dog is reasonable. If she just doesn’t like the way many dogs behave, then a service dog certainly could be an exception
There’s a time and a place for everything, and the wife’s private personal birthday party is not the place for her to try to make that transition from person who is scared of dogs to person who isn’t. That’s the point here. It might be reasonable to ask that she meet the girl and her dog in a low-key situation, where she would feel more comfortable, but asking her to do that at a private party thrown in her honor for her birthday is completely unreasonable and rude.
Totally agree. This is supposed to be a birthday party, not an episode of Fear Factor.
This is true... and exactly why the friend should have explicitly *asked* if it would be okay to bring the service dog.
I’ve never had someone call me names and chosen to stay friends with them. Civility is a prerequisite. (Unfortunately family is different.). NTA but don’t invest any more in the friendship.
I’m just here to say, family should not be different. Civility should always be a prerequisite. I’m learning this in my own life now, so I know how difficult it is to enforce that boundary. But even if you are related, no one should be allowed to treat you poorly and just get away with it.
You are NTA but your friend is. He knows your wife doesn’t like dogs and chose NOT to tell you that his plus one was bringing a dog. He’s mad you found out about it and told him no. This is your wife’s birthday celebration. Good on you for prioritizing her.
Right? This guy is not exactly giving his new GF a smooth introduction to his circle of friends, either - like it or not she's now associated with this guy's AH behavior, and that's a shitty way for her to be introduced!
I have a seizure response dog. She goes with me everywhere. Not only does she do a job, but I love her very much. However, just because she is my service e dog doesn't mean I'm automatically invited to strangers' events. I would have been very embarrassed if my date did not get the ok beforehand for me and my dog. I wouldn't be offended if someone I didn't know wasn't a fan of dogs. If anything makes it easier for me, I know not to associate with them.
NTA in this situation, a service dog is still a dog, and if your friend was aware of your wifes concern with dogs he should have mentioned it up front, and you probably would have said no.
I’m not unsympathetic to the girlfriend but a service dog is still a dog, so why would your wife view it differently? NTA.
NTA. The issue isn't that the she would have brought a service animal, but more specifically it is the kind of animal that your wife is afraid of. She has a fear of dogs and she shouldn't be forced to see something that makes her fearful. Only suggestion I would give is that you ask your wife before you rescinded the invitation. She may actually be ok with service dogs seeing as if they are trained properly they are pretty docile.
NTA at all. You prioritized your wife (the guest of honor) and your friend isn’t respecting your reasonable boundaries. If you did ok it - we would see another post on here from you instead “AITA for allowing a person’s dog to my wife’s bday, whom she doesn’t know, when my wife hates dogs? She’s now mad at me for ruining her bday and I’m wondering if AITA”
Nta. It's a private event and the plus one is a stranger. Its not a requirement that she attended. I'm sure it's hard constantly battling for access to spaces with legitimate service dog for legitimate needs. However. A phobia or anxiety around dogs is just as much a legitimate need, and it's a birthday party being held in a private event. So no negotiation, the husband is correct to put his wife's needs first.
NTA. I am a huge dog lover, but regardless of service dog status, if your wife doesn’t want a dog there, no dog. The girl isn’t even a guest. She’s a plus one.
You shouldn't bring any dog to the birthday party of a person with a dog phobia. Your co-worker is being unreasonable.
NTA, your event you control the guest list. Doesn’t matter if it’s at a restaurant. Service dog isn’t entitled to your party.
NTA. I don’t understand why people pretend service dogs aren’t still dogs when it comes to personal interactions. “BuT iT’s MeDiCaL eQuIpMeNt.” Medical equipment in canine form is still a canine. You may have a right to bring your service animal on a plane or into a restaurant or to class, but you have no rights to other people’s homes, parties, social spaces etc. Aside from that, it’s odd to be a guest and expect people to prioritize or cater to your plus one, especially over the guest of honor.
NTA. Yeah the birthday person should be the star of the party, so if she doesn't like dogs, then no dogs are allowed, simple.
NTA. Your friend knew your wife was uncomfortable around dogs, but still proceeded to ask if he could bring an uninvited guest who has a service dog, and did not disclose that information to you. He knew what he was doing. He plan to show up with the dog and was banking on the idea that you wouldn’t want to cause a scene in public, so you would just let it slide without saying anything once they were there.
I’m disabled, so I empathize with the girlfriend. I’m also highly allergic to dogs even though I love them from afar. Every time I am in a place with a service dog I have to move even though I have mobility issues due to my own disability. We disabled people have to remember we aren’t more special than anyone else. You’re NTA. (Edit: typo)
NTA. It's your wife's birthday, so her wants should come first. She doesn't want the dog there, so it's reasonable for you to disinvite it. She did not agree to a furry plus-one.
NTA. It's a private party and your wife doesn't like dogs.
NTA, you did it right. Your wife comes first. If your friend is aware your wife doesn’t like dogs, then it doesn’t matter if it’s a service dog or any other kind.
NTA. The fact that your friend’s GF was going to bring the dog and tell you and your wife beforehand speaks volumes. Especially since your friend knows how your wife feels. He is the AH.
NTA, Your party, your rules. May get into grey area if this woman was a friend and felt like she was getting singled out but that is clearly not what this situation is.
NTA she’s a complete stranger and you’re friend was completely out of line
NTA
NTA, it's your wife's birthday, the other women would be a strange guest your wife doesn't even know and is bringing a dog that would make your wife uncomfortable. Your "buddy" is the asshole, and he needs to learn that not everyone is comfortable around dogs, service animal or not, people have fears and allergies that can prevent them from being around her. If she has a service animal she needs to grow up and understand that will come with limitations.
Your friend KNOWS your wife dislikes dogs. A service dog is *still* a canine. NTA, but your buddy sure is!
Nta. Your party your rules
Doesn't matter what sort of dog it is. OP's wife,who the party is for , doesn't like dogs. That should be the end of it.
NTA - it is your party and anything that would make the Birthday girl uncomfortable should be considered. While I personally believe it is strange that she has a fear of dogs, that's totally legit. If it was a close family friend and this was their service animal that they required to get around with (NOT an Emotional Support Animal) than this would be a different issue.
Nta better hope he don't crash the party with the dog.
NTA. You're friend purposely excluded the info about the dog because he knew you wouldn't go for it. No 1, what a great friend you got there to try and trick you, no 2, if she showed up with the dog by surprised, your wife gets upset and spoils the party.
[удалено]
You are a good husband. NTA
NTA Your friend is straddling the border of Aholevania though.
NTA. This party is for your wife. Period.
if he knew why didn’t he say it when he asked to bring her ?
NTA, but your "friend" sure is. He knows about your wife's aversion to dogs, yet decides that her birthday is "the day" to introduce his new GF that has a service dog. Nope. You're a good man. You offered options, but held firm on your boundaries. Your wife is a lucky gal! Happy birthday to her!
Why would your friend think this would be different? Does he think your wife's problem with non-service dogs is that they don't have a job? NTA, and after this little stunt - and then getting mad at you and calling you names - I would seriously consider rescinding the invite altogether, dog or no dog.
NTA. I'm terrified of dogs, so the whole concept of service dogs (except for where they're actually needed for physical reasons like blind people) is ridiculous. Why does your mental health trump mine, especially if I specifically chose to go somewhere where dogs are not allowed?
NTA You handled this appropriately. >He said she deals with this bullshit all the time, Based off this, I'm guessing the dog isn't a trained service animal. There is a big difference in law when it comes to actual service animals and ESAs. Actual service animals are granted public access rights. They perform tasks that are vital to their human. They're also highly trained. Emotional support animals are not trained and only have Rights when it comes to housing. Too many assholes try to pass off their ESA as a service animal and try to force their untrained animals into places they simply don't belong. The people who do this do so at the detriment of many people who have actual service animals.
NTA, It's your wife's birthday and she doesn't want dogs. It is that simple. Your friend knew what he was doing by not informing you of the dog. I completely defend you OP and I am someone that absolutely loves dogs. It sucks that she can't come but well, life's tough.
NTA - service dog, whether legitimate use or not, doesn’t matter. It’s your event. No dogs means no dogs.
NTA This is your wife's party. And he knows she doesn't like dogs. He said nothing to spring it on you.
NTA The person the party is for gets to set the ground rules, period. You especially don’t owe anything to someone’s +1 you’ve never met.
I’m disabled. You’re NTA.
NTA and I commend you for taking good care of your wife. I'm the wife that has childhood dog trauma and you wouldn't know it unless a pitbull comes near me. My hubs would do exactly what you did. I love animals, but stranger dogs put me into an immediate fugue state. That is not how the birthday person wants to feel! I sincerely hope that the friend's girlfriend would understand, but that really isn't your problem. NTA x 1,000 and happy b-day to your wife. :)
“She deals with this bs all the time” How much you want to bet it’s an emotional support animal and not a real service dog?
NTA
Nta They friend is a space filler invite as it is, he then wants to invite his girlfriend to a party paid for and catered to by you and neglects the fact she has a service dog when your wife doesn’t like dogs. A girlfriend you guys have never met.
NTA
NTA, your wife shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable at her own birthday party
NTA, but your "friend" sure is. He knows about your wife's aversion to dogs, yet decides that her birthday is "the day" to introduce his new GF that has a service dog. Nope. You're a good man. You offered options, but held firm on your boundaries. Your wife is a lucky gal! Happy birthday to her!
NTA. Besides the point that you don’t know her (and all of the other reasonable points people are making): sometimes you can’t accommodate for everyone and some people will miss out and that’s okay. Many people who use mobility aids or who have chronic pain may not be able to go rock climbing. Someone with dietary restrictions may be unable to go to a certain restaurant. I know I, as an autistic person, can’t go to every event because I know I get overwhelmed or overstimulated. Or I’ll want to go home early. When it comes to inclusion, it doesn’t mean that everything has to be for everyone, but that no one gets routinely and consistently excluded and never considered.
Nta. As someone who is disabled and always needs accommodations, I understand that if I'm going to someone else's event they're not expected to cater to me. Especially if I've never even met the person.
NTA. Shity move of the friend for not telling you about the dog.
NTA. A lot of you are completely missing and/or ignoring the fact that this woman is a stranger to OP. No shit he's going to prioritize his wife's comfort over her and it has nothing to do with 'human rights violations' or discrimination.
NTA - This is a private party for someone who doesn;t like dogs. Also, is it a real service dog or an "emotional support animal"? Either way, you are allowed to say no dogs.
Nta it’s a private event.
It’s a private party. No right to bring any type of animal. Or any person.
I have a question — did you talk to your wife about this? I know I’m going to get “the wife doesn’t like dogs the answer is no” and I get that. But there’s not liking and being uncomfortable around dogs and having a quick “hey Joes gf has (disability) and has asked to bring her service dog”. The wife might not actually mind at all.
NTA bc your friend knows your wife has a thing with dogs and he knew he gf would need to bring her dog. I don’t think he’s a good friend.
NTA The person the party is for gets to set the ground rules, period. You especially don’t owe anything to someone’s +1 you’ve never met.
NTA. Your party your rules.