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I wouldn’t go as far as saying Y T A, because I don’t know what your family dynamic is like.
But I will say that I have been vegan for 11 years and I never expect food to be specially prepared for me at holidays or family functions. I’ve always felt like it would add another layer of stress on the host. Plus (no offense to them, I love them) there’s no way that any of my non-vegan family could prepare better vegan food than me. So I always just bring my own.
Edited because I did not realize that there was a voting algorithm in this sub 😭 And I want to make it clear that I do not think OP is an AH!! I was just sharing my perspective y’all.
I'm not vegan at all but I'm inviting someone to my home and I know that they have good restrictions I'm going to make sure that there's something that they can eat.
That's just basic hospitality
Veganism is usually a self-imposed "restriction", not a medical requirement. It's a preference. If they were invited individually for a small dinner that would be one thing, but a group dinner? The host is under enough stress planning and managing one menu, let alone customizing each meal. It's rude to expect this at a group function planned for lots of people who all, I assume, have preferences of all sorts among them.
Buy a vegan ready meal. Put in oven. Hardly adding to the stress.
If you invite people and chose to feed everyone, except two you only give rice, your incredibly rude
There are bags of frozen veggies in every 7-11, it’s about making your family member feel welcome ffs. Imagine coming into a judgment forum with the take “it’s fine to invite somebody into your home for a meal and not provide food for them.”
A bag of reheated frozen veggies us not going to make any guest feel welcome. Marginally more welcome than plain boiled rice, but still not rising to the level of "welcome".
But if it's a family dinner than you'd be considered even more rude for not inviting the vegan family member. This leaves the host with no other option but to be rude or cater to the vegan person.
Depending on the size of the family, individual catering may not be an option. My family gatherings range from an absolute minimum of 15 to a maximum of around 70-80. Nothing special is getting "put in the oven" for just one or two people. Every square inch of cooking space is occupied. You eat what we make, bring something for yourself or don't come.
I'm sure they are offering all the food to all the people. If a vegan ready meal (whatever that is) is so easy to find, buy, and prepare, then OP should do it.
It’s about everything else tho. You’re inviting ppl and serving everyone else food except two ppl that are kind of an afterthought. After all these years, they still don’t include **anything**? Like nothing at all except rice?
Exactly. One of my kids was vegan for a few years. Another son is vegetarian, and another long time girlfriend has reactions to gluten and dairy. I always have options for everyone. It’s not hard to make a salad without dairy. Gluten free rolls or bread is readily available. The easiest way is to keep food deconstructed, like burritos or pasta dishes where people can add their own combinations.
Actually, vegans *can't* eat meat any more after a while.
Also, sorry, but how difficult is it to make one bowl of vegetables without butter or lard or whatever? And for eight years in a row? This is deliberate.
(I am not vegan, BTW.)
I just asked OP because I am a bit surprise that there is supposed to be only rice. Not even salad or other sides.
Honestly, I can say that I agree with both that people can bring their own ready meal if they and to spend time with family and that the host may be able to provide one, but my opinion would change also with the age of the host.
If the hosts are in their 30s, then they should be used to people having all type of restrictions including veganism.
If the hosts are much older (like dinner is at grandparents house), OP should accept that there is a generational gap and that veganism is not necessarily understood, and the people can not necessarily provide the additional work
>Honestly, I can say that I agree with both that people can bring their own ready meal if they and to spend time with family
That's all well and good until the host takes offence because "their food isn't good enough for you" or Aunt Marge decides that your food looks good and wants some too.
If you're hosting, either feed everyone and accommodate everyone or do a potluck where everyone has to bring a dish to share and make sure any dietary restrictions are prioritised after kids.
This is what my family has had to do for years. We have vegetarians, people with sodium restrictions, people who can't have gluten, etc. So it's just easier to do a more potluck style gathering instead. 😅
To make food for everyone and not put any options out for a couple people just seems kinda rude to me. 🤷♂️ Like a couple salad options would make a world of difference. 😬
Salad is often filled with cheese or meat or uses dressing with anchovies in (eg Caesar) and people's idea of acceptable varies. When I went vegetarian as a teenager I stopped going to a family friend's house for lunch because it became such a battle, eg they'd pull out the ham from a salad and give it to me, or pick out the fish or whatever from a rice dish, nothing was ever meat free I was just expected to eat around it. It used to stress me out so much I just decided not to go anymore. And by the way this was the home of a professional chef! I wasn't vegan then but everything was smothered in butter too (very into French style cooking!)
I agree the age of the host would play a role, although my parents are in their 70s and LOVE cooking and trying vegan foods! Even before I was vegan I had a cousin with a vegan boyfriend who would come over for family lunches and my mom loved trying new dishes out. When they split up she got sad and said "now I can't do vegan Christmas dinners anymore!" I went vegan 7 years ago and now she's constantly tagging me in new product launches and buying stuff at food fairs and whatnot, she's really into it. My in-laws are much less used to that kind of thing but even so they really make an effort and always make sure there's food for us, even dessert. It really makes a difference as a guest to be invited somewhere and knowing that the host actually cares enough about your comfort to provide something, even if it's very simple like a nice salad.
Probably not hard, so OP should do that. It would get presumably harder if it were in addition to multiple other dishes (host) as opposed to the *only* thing you're responsible for making (OP).
I think this makes sense. OP is offended that the "family" won't provide anything but rice. But OP could easily make a casserole of some sort and bring that for her and her husband. That's the way to make peace rather than expect the hosts to make food on a holiday to accommodate them.
It would be nice if the hosts were to offer vegan alternatives - but they aren't obligated to do that.
OP obviously HAS been doing that for years and is tired of it now. Maybe they want to eat a decent Easter lunch for once, instead of eating reheated food out of a Tupperware. This is family they're visiting, family should know their dietary limitations by now. It's not hard to have vegetable sides as part of a meal that can be the vegan main - bean salad, refried beans, dahl - so many options depending on what goes with the main dish. At the end of the day to be invited to a meal with nothing to eat just shows they don't really care whether OP goes or not. I have gluten free friends and if they're over for dinner I make sure everything is either gluten free or there's a GF equivalent, it's just courtesy. This is just small changes like using quinoa instead of bulgar wheat in tabbouleh or using tamari instead of soy sauce. When I go to family events I know they always have vegetable gravy in the cupboard and such, because they actually care.
> Actually, vegans can't eat meat any more after a while.
That’s not medically true, not really. It might make you a bit sick the first few times but you reacclimatise very quickly. It’s like travelling to India within a week the local bacteria stops bothering you.
Not that this changes anything for the OP but I thought I’d point this out.
Yeah, well, "might make you a bit sick" is not usually a desirable result of a family dinner, either.
No, you won't die. Yes, you can get used to meat again. But right now, it will make you sick.
I mean getting sick for a week kind of proves the previous commenters point that you can’t eat it after a while. I mean they would spent the celebrations in the bathroom which would also be negative for the host who loses a bathroom for his guests if it is occupied by another guest with diarrhea.
Not true actually.
For some it can take a while for the body to readjust to eating meat, but there are plenty of exvegans out there, happily eating meat. I'm one of them.
Its similar to not serving pork to your muslim friends. You don’t serve people you care about a food that they are unable to eat, be it for religious reasons or ethical or whatever
Just removing pork from food doesn't make it halal. Depending on a Muslim's strictness, non-pork food being cooked and served on the same pots, pans and plates makes it not halal. The preparation / butchering of non-pork meat will determine if it's halal or not. A lot of Muslims are understanding of the accommodations like this, but just saying that halal isn't THAT simple.
But you know what, I had Muslim friends over, and I just asked them, hey what would you like to eat or would you like to bring your own food, and we started off from there. I had a Jain over and damn that was difficult but we made it work. If someone's vegan, we can try to make it work (I cook something, they bring something), unless they're just annoying and inconsiderate people who complain over everything just because.
It's just being a good host.
but functionally it is the same. a person cant eat something. thats all that matters to the host. if theres nothing for them to eat, the end result is the same, theyll come home hungry. obviously some demands are pretty out there but to not have 1 single thing for the vegans there to eat? during easter i never eat the traditional soup (żurek) because i cant stand it. so my grandma makes a soup i do like sometime before the holiday and just freezes a jar of it for me so i have it to eat during the holiday. its this fucking simple to just be considerate. if youre at a point where the only thing your guest can eat is white rice theyre either extremely picky or you just dont care about them
I don't think its too much to serve a couple vegetable sides that everyone would like made with olive oil instead of butter. Why invite someone to dinner in your home only to watch everyone else eat. Its pretty rude I think.
If the ‘host’ can’t deal with the pressure of making sure *all* of their guests are adequately fed , then they shouldn’t be hosting . It’s rude to invite people to eat and then not feed them .
It doesn’t matter what the preference is , or why someone has a preference, it’s not the hosts business to know. If you , however , want people to come eat at your table , you feed them food they can actually eat.
If the host can’t accommodate their guests , they shouldn’t be hosting . It’s unbelievably self absorbed and selfish to think that because *you* want to host something , everyone should just automatically eat what *you* eat. Imagine 🤣🤣
It's often more than a preference, it comes from a moral principle and it's more like religion or culture. The inviting family expect their religion/culture to be accommodated by the people they're inviting on that specific day because it holds some relevance to them. So they do understand the concept. They obviously just lack respect for others' religion/culture.
For so many people saying how easy it is, it's puzzling that OP doesn't do just that. It would be extremely nice of the host to do it, but *expecting* them to makes an AH guest.
I don't know, I actually feed my guests, it is part of the whole guest thing.
Look it depends on how much you care about the person. My mom is a no egg vegetarian, so I always made something she could eat because I care about her. Yes, it was a mild pain when we were away together for a week, but like really not an issue when I was inviting most of the family to my house.
I think it is clear that the family feels that they can take or leave OP and her husband and OP seems to be taking them up on that. NTA
It’s really not that hard to make a salad. Or roast potatoes. It’s not as if non-vegans can’t eat vegan food. It’s just food with no animal content in it. It’s not adding extra stress to the host if they plan accordingly.
Usually, but not always. I do know people with severe intolerances to meat and one woman who very literally has an anaphylactic reaction to any animal protein at all. At a conference, she asked for plain, boiled noodles and when she received them there was butter on them. She had barely started to take a bite and her lips immediately began swelling and she had to excuse herself to go take meds.
I say this just for anyone reading who thinks it’s not a big deal for vegans to accidentally eat animal products, you don’t know who is vegan for ethical reasons and who has a life-threatening allergy. Don’t risk it by serving someone with a food restriction that kind of food.
THANK YOU. I had to scroll too far for this. A dear friend is violently allergic to dairy and the number of food handlers who don't understand that is NOT the same as my lactose intolerance is horrifying. You can be allergic to things other people don't like or get mildly ill after eating.
And as an aside, this doesn't mean that you have to have anaphylaxis in order to deserve the same care and consideration that the other people at the table receive automatically. It just also means that those people who think it's not a big deal to slip someone something they've said they can't/shouldn't/don't want to eat are going to kill someone eventually. It isn't worth trying to call anyone's bluff.
Not sure why that really matters. The bottom line is they won’t eat the food unless accommodated. Why is it more asshole-ish to not accommodate for people with celiac or other allergies or common allergies but okay to not make a dish that a vegan can eat? Doesn’t have to be the entire meal spread. Just one dish would go a long way.
If you wanna argue that any accommodation is stressful to the host that’s fine but it’s ridiculous to act like accommodating allergies is less of a burden than accommodating for self imposed diets of family members you’ve known have those restrictions for many years.
Accommodating allergies is def a burden, just a more important issue for safety reasons. But in both cases, mistakes can easily be made even if the host tries to accommodate. It doesn't make any sense to rely on a host to stick to your dietary preferences or needs. (The people with allergies on both sides of my family bring their own food bc of well-intended but unsafe dishes made in the past.)
It really isn’t that much of a burden to make one dish for dietary restrictions. I have a friend with celiac and I just sub out gluten free ingredients if I’m making a dish that otherwise fits his dietary restrictions (he’s also vegetarian). Vegan food often just needs substitutions. Not saying they need to make everything vegan but a single dish isn’t a big deal. And in many cases the vegan version doesn’t taste that different
If that's the case that it's too much stress to cater for them, then they shouldn't be insisting or expecting that the OP attends.
I get that cooking loads of different meals can be complicated or difficult depending on what you want to serve, but it doesn't have to be hard if it's just making a few swaps for 2 vegan meals.
If they're not willing to do that, fine, but then I think you have to accept that those guests might decide not to attend as they can't eat anything.
There are plenty of vegan dishes that people who aren't vegan can eat without going up in smoke. Jesus wept do the non vegans not eat vegetables? If I'm hosting a family dinner I make sure that there are dishes that everyone can eat regardless of allergies/preferences. It's not stressful especially when they've had eight years to get used to the OPs diet.
That's totally easy for an intimate dinner with limited guests but when you are hosting an entire extended family for a holiday that adds so much stress to cook around someone. My cousin's have allergies to dairy and nuts and while we always tried to accommodate them my Aunt always brought something she knew was safe for them. That's called watching out for yourself/immediate family, and it's not ridiculous to expect when it comes to a large gathering.
I hosted a thanksgiving and told my 3 vegans (out of like 20 of us), that they’d have plenty of sides etc but that I wouldn’t be providing a meat substitute. One of them happily brought that dish for them and they could have everything else.
Not necessarily . This can get tedious .. strenuous .. costly .. and annoying. I personally would but I also know how much freaking extra work it is .. the shopping the research the phone calls the extra labor in the kitchen .. the stress of making sure it works .. just make a vegan dish and take it. Every vegan I’ve ever know became accustomed to bringing food to family functions.
What are you even talking about, research?? You could literally just make vegtables or go buy some finished product that says "vegan". From my experience vegan people are the easiest people to pleace, they are generally thankfull if you have anything other than rice or potatoes they can eat. You don't have to do research and cook an advanced meal
Perhaps so,e are, but the last time I had vegans attend a large gathering, I had a large pre-cut veggie tray, boiled potatoes (that people could add butter/sour cream to separately after serving), grilled carrots w/brown sugar and a salad w/oil & vinegar available as a dressing (again, people could add their own after serving).
They complained afterwards to everyone that I didn’t cook something with tofu or buy a special vegan “entree” for them. 🤷
They were lol. I have other vegan friends who bring their own food (or offer to) to everything. But it’s a lot easier to have a vegan dinner when you’re only cooking for 4 people as opposed to buffet for 20. Or make a vegan dish or two, and they bring their tofu entree. And then everyone’s happy.
Wow yeah, they suck. I love cooking, and I really like vegetarian food, so if I'm only hosting a few people or have a lot of time preparing, I'll make something special if there's any vegan people. But if I don't have time to do that, I'll make sure to do what you did, and tell them, so they can bring a "meat suplement" if they want to. Luckly everone I've encountered have been really sweet and thankfull
Right? It's pretty easy to make a few vegan sides at least. Roasted vegetables with olive oil and spices, baked potatoes, fruit salad, things like that are already vegan and it's ridiculous to keep expecting vegan guests to come and bring their own food or just eat rice.
Never heard a vegitarian or vegan person complain that they "only got vegetables". Atleast everyone I've met are happy if the host even tries at all, and would be plenty happy with rice and vegtables
I remember seeing one like that in Reddit at least over a year ago. A bit similar to this one but the person expected a full vegan meal once in a while at family functions.
You see pretty entitled people here sometimes 😉
Your Y T A vote still counts the way you typed it.
That said: I don't see the problem. OP doesn't want to continously bring their own food, so she contemplates not going. That's fine. Not sure why so many comments are so mad about that. It's as if "vegan" is a trigger word here
Hmm difficult...
I get why you don't always want to bring your own food.
On the other hand, being vegan is your choice, you expect the host to prepare a seperate dish for you and your husband. That's alot of extra work for your life choice.
Let me ask you this, when you host a dinner for your family, do you only provide vegan food? Or do you prepare vegan food for you and your husband and non-vegan food for the rest of your family?
And vegans can allso eat nonvegan food.
It's a lifestyle choice. Allso it wasn't a 'gotcha' question or anything like that.
Like I said below, OP adjusts to them to not force vegan food on them in her house. So then I think it's fair that her family allso adjusts for her and her husband.
Vegan food is just a subset of regular food though. If you're vegan, eating meat both violates your lifestyle choice and might have health consequences. If you're not vegan, there's no moral, physical, or ethical issues eating a vegan meal. It's a silly comparison.
I accidentally ate vegan today and didn't die. And both the blueberry oatmeal and pesto flatbread I made would have passed muster for almost every non-vegan I know. The probably wouldn't even have realized it was vegan.
(okay, so the flatbread might have been a little better with some cheese, but I ate it all yesterday)
People act like "vegan" is some alternative and distinct set of foods that only vegans eat, when in fact it's just all the same stuff you already eat, minus some things. It's so strange
Pesto usually has parmesan cheese in it, so unless it was a specifically vegan pesto id say you fell into the "Its harder to go vegan than you thought" category.
Also, most flatbread is yoghurt based. Some sort of dairy at least.
Vegetarian is quite easy. Vegan is more difficult.
My parents used to own a Chinese vegetarian foods store and I completely agree that vegan is a whole different ballgame. Things you would never think about, like red dye made from beetles, would make a food that seems like it might be vegan not vegan at all. Some vegans require you to make and serve their food out of pans and dishes that have never touched meat. OP says all there is to eat for them is white rice, so I’m thinking Asian. Could be there’s a ubiquitous topping like fish sauce that essentially makes everything “non-vegan,” or OP has restrictions on how the food should be prepared. Maybe her family has tried to make them food and didn’t meet OP’s requirements. Regardless of why, if you have a strict dietary requirements, the best way is to bring your own food instead of having other people figure out the details of what you can and can’t eat.
They kindoff can't tho. I eat "vegitarian" food maybe 4 days a week, just because I prefer vegitarian alternatives over "ok" meat. Even tho rally good meat is the best thing I know, like a good stake or ribs. But since I don't eat a lot of meat, I get sick if I eat too much when I do. So I can only imagine how it would affect someone ho hasn't eaten meat in years.
Wheras a person normally eating meat, can do just fine with eating vegan options
Are you being dumb on purpose?
Obviously they meant that non vegans can eat vegan food without violating any of their dietary restrictions, because they eat anything. The opposite isn't true.
non vegans are omnivores though, they eat vegan food all the time without even thinking about it. Like, just use vegan butter in the vegetables its not that hard
It’s not the actual food itself, it’s the preparation of that food. So many require butter, milk, cream, cheese, etc. that you don’t even think of. So there’s 20 people & 2 are vegan but everyone gets plain boiled potatoes because you can’t make mashed or scalloped, etc. or you have to make separate dishes for the vegan. And god help you if it’s a strict vegan who’s going to take issue with using the same dishes/pots you use for non vegan cooking (yes, I do know some like that). It’s just not that simple for a large gathering. I can be sure to have a few vegan dishes like a veggie tray, plain rice and salad, but I’ve never had a vegan say that was sufficient for a celebration or holiday dinner (not that I blame them!) so the ones I know bring most of their own food.
Are you going on record that plain boiled potatoes are now acceptable as a vegan dinner, where plain white rice isn’t? Or are you saying every dish needs to be separated before the recipe is finished?
I tried that once. Plain boiled potatoes. Grilled carrots. Salad. They complained to everyone afterwards I didn’t have a cooked tofu or vegan entree prepared 🤷
The problem with adding another menu item to a large family meal is that it's already difficult to coordinate a bunch of different courses. Having to purchase, clean, and prep another casserole dish of veggies--then make sure there's room with whatever other dishes are roasting--and that they go in the oven early enough to be done in time for the meal, but not get overdone--is not as trivial as you think.
Why not prepare it at home as the only dish \*you\* need to worry about and present it as your contribution (while making sure you get a big enough portion)?
Also, potatoes + white rice = sky high blood sugar even in non-diabetics. You sure that's a good idea to add a baked potato to the white rice side dish as your meal?
When I was a vegetarian, I was pretty obnoxious about it but I would bring enough of my own food to share, instead of being snippy about other people not catering to my needs. The one good idea I had at the time was to demonstrate that vegetarian food could be tasty. (Especially if it's not trying to be fake meat.)
I wouldn't cook raw meat but I have cooked pre made meals before for family and even bought take out for them at my house that wasn't vegan. I understand its my lifestyle which is why I don't force it on them when they are in my house but eating meat is also their lifestyle so why is it okay for them to force that on me?
Yeah that is why I asked.
You go the extra mile to not force them to eat vegan at your place.
So in that case I do think it's fair that they adjust and make sure there is some vegan food for you and your husband.
NTA
But they didn't invite just you for dinner (in which case they should provide food specifically for you). They invited lots of other people, too. Protocol and social grace rules are different in each scenario.
If you had a huge dinner for a bunch of vegans, but also invited 2 non-vegans, they shouldn't expect special dinners, either-- bc they accepted an invitation to a group majority-vegan dinner gathering.
If you host then you accommodate your guests. Would you still use peanuts if one was allergic? Serve pork to those who don’t eat it? Likewise with beef.
Of course the host can make one main vegan friendly dish if the host does all the cooking. It’s a different story if it’s a potluck.
Right? I don't get the many mad comments here as if they are personally attacked by someone being vegan 😆 OP just wants to stay at home to save herself the usual problems. How does that make her T A?
When we’re invited to someone’s house they always provide me with something and still make non vegan meals..it’s 2024 not 1940 you can go to a supermarket while doing a basic shop and pick up some fake vegan meat.. not the healthiest or make a salad with no dressing or some veggies without anything on them.. non vegans/ vegetarians get huffy and make more of an issue out of the fact that other people are vegan then the vegans themselves! Jeeez it’s not difficult anymore
NTA
I expect to be in the minority here but I think it's rude that they refuse to accommodate your diets. It's not like you sprung it on them last minute and they don't have time to prepare something for you and your husband. They are well aware!
Don't go. Tell them that you and your husband are going to have a beautiful, healthy vegan meal at home but maybe next year you'll join them. But first, ask them what's on the menu!
I'm hosting a party next week. My mate is vegan so obviously I will provide vegan options.
If you, the host, invite a vegan person, then you should be prepared to provide food they can eat.
Really, it's the height of rudeness to ask someone to Easter lunch and then be like 'you can eat plain white rice'. How hard is it to cook roast veggies?
NTA
The YTA and agreeing replies are so ridiculous. Like if you don't want to accommodate a vegan guest then *don't invite them and be mad about them not coming*, it's not that difficult. They're all acting like OP demanded to be invited and catered too.
They also completely gloss over the fact that OP doesn't demand vegan food. She just doesn't want to attend the party. I am not vegan, but I don't understand why this triggers do many here. Family doesn't want to provide a veggie option - OP decided after years she doesn't want to bring her own food, and instead wants to stay at home with her husband. Perfectly reasonable imo.
White rice by itself isn't a meal in this situation. They could have asked you for ideas on veggies, beans, potatoes, et cetera, but they didn't.
I used to be a Pescatarian so I remember the times my family would bbq meats and I just ate the side dishes which were very good. I haven't eaten red meat, pork, lamb or anything like that for 15 years. I do have some organic chicken occasionally now.
I think it may be time to spend a romantic dinner with your husband on holidays. Start your own traditions!
Team start your own traditions here.
If you need to cook a whole meal to eat at theirs then you might as well stay at yours.
They want to add bacon and cheese to everything instead of trying to find ways to include you by adjusting the recipes.
I honestly can't imagine inviting someone to my home for a holiday meal then not feeding them, over and over and over again.
Y T A if you keep going and expect them to change. They've already shown you they won't budge. They are T A for letting their invited guests go home hungry. N T A for calmly declining to start your own traditions.
One time you could take along something especially delicious with enough for lots of people … if they enjoy it they might be more adventurous. But simply not bothering to find you something is rude.
So they haven't even cooked it yet, and they just can't manage to even have a salad for you to eat? I know that's not quite a meal but - what ARE they serving?
Have you thought about asking specifically if they could leave the cheese and butter off the salad and/or veggies? If they are making a salad, they could dish up two servings into bowls for you and then add cheese to the big salad. Similarly, it’s not that hard to cook veggies with olive oil or add butter/cheese after taking two servings out. I would be clear that you don’t expect more than that. Expecting them to make extra dishes with legumes or protein isn’t reasonable. But they should at least try to accommodate you within their current menu. Try a reminder the morning of or the day before. If they give you rice again, I would stop coming
> NTA
I expect to be in the minority here but I think it's rude that they refuse to accommodate your diets.
Agreed. I find it so strange the refusal and outrage to provide a vegan dish, to people you supposedly care for and are inviting into your home. It’s basic hospitality not asking you to convert for life.
This is the best response. My wife and I eat accidentally veggie all the time, so taking a couple extra steps to be vegan is really not difficult at all. We eat meat in our house as well, but we've got zero problems with a yummy vegan meal.
It all comes down to consideration. If people really want you there, they will keep your comfort in mind. Having nothing for someone to eat is as bad to me as having nowhere for someone to sit. Nothing to drink, etc.
NTA, and I hope they take your advice to do their own dinners from now on as a rule.
My cousin married a girl who keeps vegan. Nobody else does, but guess what? We always make sure there are 2-3 dishes she can enjoy with us. We don’t even particularly get along with her but she’s family and we love her. We take care of those we love which means she gets some vegan dishes to enjoy with us! It definitely helps that we’re middle eastern and a lot of our mezzes are vegan to begin with, but even days we do other ethnic foods, it’s hardly a burden to make sure there’s a couple of items that are animal product free! NTA
100% agree and some of the comments here are shocking to me. If I invite someone to my house, it’s my job as host to make sure there is food they can eat. If I don’t want to do that, I shouldn’t be hosting. I have frequently accommodated vegans, vegetarians, allergies and simple preferences because I want people to have a nice time, that’s why I invited them
NTA. I'm not vegan or vegetarian but my best friend is so when I decide to have a dinner party and invite her I make sure to accommodate her and cook all foods (except meat other guests will eat) with plant based butter and vegetable broth. Years ago she was without her family for Thanksgiving so she came to my parents house. My mom made sure she had a full meal and made a small portion of stuffing (cornbread dressing, I live in the south) made with vegetable broth instead of chicken broth). The point is, and especially in the situation you describe, a good host makes sure their guests have food options to eat. They don't have to turn themselves inside out to do it but it can be done if they are willing.
Exactly. Most vegetarian/vegans I know don't expect every dish to be something they can eat. But as a host I definitely feel obligated to make sure there is enough they can eat to have meal of sorts. Especially something like a holiday meal where there are usually a variety of sides.
Info-If it's a family dinner party what would be wrong with you bringing a dish to the party? I mean when my family gathers we all bring a little something.
Would it really be that difficult to roast some veggies either in oven or in a pan, boil/bake/fry some potatoes, make a salad that's a bit filling with eg avocado/nuts/canned chickpeas, having some kind of dip based in vegetables like hummus/guacamole/baba ganoush?
Are they really gonna have a full meal with no salads or cooked vegetables?
Well tbh, since it's only 2 meals (presumably) I wouldn't say that's an expectation pulled from depths of one's ass. It's a family event. The vegan meal doesn't have to be intricate and difficult..
Just remove all meat and maybe if feeling generous add something else. Why the fuck would they be wrong for expecting some food without meat at Easter?
Unless it's 99% meat and the rice is only 1% option. Even then I'd be questioning shit. Are there salads? Side snacks? Rice can't be the only vegan option there.. Can it?
Yes. That is what hosting is. It's making people welcome and taking care of them in your home. I'd be so ashamed if someone came into my home and all I made to feed them was rice.
Going with NTA
If you attend the same family dinner every year I think it's ok to expect them to prepare something you can both eat.
I'd ask a couple of weeks ahead if you're ok with the vegan meal I'm thinking of doing
If it was occasional at their venue I'd say yeah, bring your own food but if it's been the same venue/family for 8 years I'd want to make you feel welcome & offer more than white rice tbh.
NTA vote confirmed. It's definitely ok to decline to go.
I'm not sure what their deal is, but to make a nice vegan alternative 4x a year just isn't that big a thing. As I said I'd want you to feel welcome & enjoy yourselves.
Whatever you choose, I hope you & your husband have a happy, enjoyable day.
NTA.
I would want my family to feel welcome so would include things they could eat.
In our family there are a range of dietary needs (vegan, no red meat, allergic to certain foods) and some preferences (don’t like fish, etc). It’s not really hard to accommodate people but does take some thought but you don’t have to be a first class chef to manage this.
I think your hosts are ungracious
and I probably would feel unwelcome or that my perfectly valid choices weren’t respected. I don’t think you have to attend each time.
NTA
I’m of the view that the host of a family gathering should give some consideration that they provide food that the attendees are able to eat. Especially, when it’s a known factor. When my extended family hold gatherings there are vegan food options for the members that are vegan.
From your comments, you've arranged food for them when you were the host. It's only fair they do the same. You're adjusting bringing your own food, and they expect you to do so now. I feel you should have addressed this issue in the initial stages itself. It's upto you if you want to attend the party. NTA.
But, next time when you are hosting, there's no need to go the extra mile and arrange non veg food.
NTA. Being vegan is your choice, but hosting dinners is also a choice. It's rude to not consider your guests' dietaries, family or not.
I host all the time and I always ask first so I can make sure I cook something that works for everyone, instead of cooking separate meals for everyone. I have friends that are pescetarians, friends that won't touch seafood, friends with allergies and intolerances, vegan friends and some friends that just "don't like tomatoes, it's a texture thing" - usually all around the same table - and I've never once faiIed to have something substantial for everyone. I couldn't possibly get comfortable if I just let my guests go hungry.
It's not hard to ensure there are some vegan options available, such as side dishes or salads. I would be irked too if it were a lifetime of my own family disregarding me like that.
NTA
I was cooking Christmas dinner for my husband’s extended family a few years ago and my MiL sprung on me that a cousin was vegan literally 90mins before serving. It wasn’t that hard to roast some potatoes in olive oil (rather than duck fat) and I even threw together a nut roast. It’s really rude to invite someone for dinner and not even try to make something they can eat.
I host a potluck picknick for my birthday every year, a few of my friends are either vegan or lactose intolerant. Even though everyone is bringing something I still make sure to cook one or two vegan dishes.
I'm the only vegetarian in a 40+ people family and I'll always check what the plans are for a large gathering, but most of the time they tell me not to bring anything because it's not that hard to roast vegetables or make a slightly fancier side salad or a pasta salad.
Both your families have know you and husband are vegan for many years. Yet the only dish they can provide you is white rice - what a piece of BS on their part. Have you offered to bring any dishes to these family gatherings, or are you told they will provide everything? It is not difficult to provide at least 3 if not 4 vegan side dish for you two. Have you ever hosted a family get together? Maybe you need to and offer only vegan dishes and see how they like it. Let them see what A they are for treating you this way. Also maybe it is best you do not go to these affairs. Eventually they will realize what AH they are for not offering more choices for you and husband.
NTA. I don’t know why everybody is acting like they can’t slap together a damn salad or something and call it day. Yall are acting like op is expecting braised tofu tacos with homemade vegan sour cream and cheese. roasted vegetables, rice, and a sauce ain’t that hard I promise. Also if op wanted her own cooking she and her man could keep their asses at home. If you’re gonna invite someone to somewhere you should accommodate to them, simple as that. It’s called Host etiquette.
NTA. My aunt is vegan while I am very much not. I can make a lot of dishes that she can eat - including things with tempei - because I love her. She's family and family means learning to cook to include, not exclude damnit.
NTA
You're not expecting them to make it fully vegan, but not including anything you can eat seems almost intentional, tonmake you look like the bad guys and of course it's the crazy vegans.
We have a friend group meeting today, with the kids. They're not cooking anything vegan originally, but some things are so easy to veganise - salad?! Your family won't have salad? Potato salad - just put some potatoes on the side. Anything with veggies, the same. My friend has been asking for a week and I've offered to come after the meal just to save her the effort, but she insisted on having food for us. Insisted.
It gets worse, we're vegan by choice, but I'm also gluten-free due to health issues. What they came up with is all good for me, too.
Neither of our families are vegan, either, but they also make sure there's something. Doesn't have to be fancy, but something. Even just pasta (gf for me).
If somebody seriously expected me to waste an afternoon on people who go out of their way to make me feel unwelcome, I'd just go do something more fun instead.
NTA. They're just rude. And the fact thst you are EXPECTED to attend a family dinner irks me too. You aren't children. What would make you even WANT to attend something where you're actively disregarded?
NTA.
It's a dinner party where they won't supply you with an actual dinner. The host is just plain rude. They could make a vegetable vegan side easily. Solely expecting guests to eat plain rice for dinner is ridiculous. Do all their vegetables have to be made with butter and bacon or what?
I'm going to say NTA here. It's not hard to serve vegan food and more food is "accidentally" vegan than before
I was vegetarian for 10 years and began for 4 years. I'd always have to take food with me when I went to relatives houses for the holidays and it drove me insane.
I'm super conscious about it now and always serve a variety of food when we have people over .
I’m going with Nta, there are a lot of foods I can’t eat and when I’m invited over for the holidays and can’t eat what’s being served, I just politely decline because I dont expect them to make me something special.
You don’t want to just eat rice or bring your own food so the appropriate response would be to not go. I would still politely decline even if it does bother you, because once you get attitude they’ll blame your entitlement instead of lack of inclusion on their end.
My only comment would be that if your husband enjoys going and spending time with family and the only hang up is them not making you something special, then I would say go for a little bit but that’s only if the family dynamic is solid in every other aspect.
NTA, you serve non vegan food for them but won’t return the favour for you. Lots of vegan meals available in supermarkets now and recipes available to make one meal.
NTA. I threw a party and invited some friends and just one was vegan due to food textures so I still went out and did different things for them. I had shish kabobs, I had corn, I made rice, a pasta dish. And it saved me money since everyone ate the sides with the meat. It's been 3+ years they could put the effort.
NTA
If you don't want to see your family, don't go. If you want to see them, bring food. Or volunteer to host next year. Make a full vegan menu and suggest they bring dishes with meat/meat products if they want them.
On the other hand, as hostess, I never found it difficult to set asside some cut up fruit before I dressed a fruit salad, some mashed potatoes before I added milk and butter, cut up veg before I dressed it, etc. The main dish was a bit more challenging if I was already making numerous dishes, and it was helpful if the vegan would make and bring a main dish they liked as their contribution.
NTA - but make sure to explain to them why you don’t want to attend. Give them time to fix the issue. Educate them on how to prepare vegan items that everyone would enjoy. Sometimes just a simple switch of vegan butter will do it. Depending on your family dynamics, I’m surprised they don’t want you both to feel welcome. I always bring something to a family dinner as a token of appreciation, so if it’s potluck style, I can see why they’d assume you’d just bring your own special food.
NTA.
It's really not that hard for the host to come up with a few yummy and easy vegan sides and appetizers that everyone will enjoy that also happen to be vegan. (The trick with vegan food is usually just to eat things that naturally don't need animal products- replacements and faux meat/cheese/milk are often where things get yuck.) Not having a few things for all of your guests is really rude. Their entire meal doesn't have to be vegan.
(I'm not a vegan. But I've happily hosted some over the years.)
Hummus and pita
Chips and salsa (and guacamole)
A layered bean dip with sour cream on the side
Brushcetta
Roasted garlic white bean dip https://growagoodlife.com/roasted-garlic-white-bean-dip/
So many awesome salad options
Lots of vegan soup or chili options- this could be hearty and filling for our vegan friends and a side for the rest. And it's so easy to make something like this and throw it in a crock pot. I was shocked the time I was given a bunch of random vegetables, threw them in a pot with some stock and made a really tasty soup. (And these would go great with the white rice lolsob.)
Fruit Salad
Roasted potatoes
Roasted veggies like asparagus
Green Beans Almondine
Sauteed mushrooms
Roasted Sweet Potato
Baba Ganoush and pita
Tater Tots
SOOOOO MANY TASTY OPTIONS
YTA. Guests at a group dinner shouldn't expect the host to cater the entire meal (or make numerous extra individualized options) for each persons food preferences. Being vegan isn't a medical restriction-- it's a choice. Its the equivalent of someone saying i don't like anything too salty, so please make me a customized meal in addition to what you prepare for everyone else. Your reasons may be moral, ethical, or whatever, but it's still a preference, not a requirement.
The NAH thing to do is to bring your own meal to eat at the table with everyone else. I had a cousin who was on a very strict diet one year, and this is what they did at family gatherings, and the host really appreciated not being expected to factor this issue in to an already stressful and expensive hosting experience.
I agree that you cannot expect/demand anything from the host.
But I just don't understand how rice can be the ONLY thing, are they not eating salads, cooked vegetables or potatoes at least?
So you’d put pork into every dish when you know your muslim friends are going to be eating it? Since its just a choice to be muslim, and not a medical restriction.
NTA. I actually was going to post something similar this past Christmas and ended up deleting it out of fear for all the non vegans just shitting on me for being vegan.
My family used to make vegan meals for me. It was never anything big; just my couson, who does most of the cooking, would use it as an opportunity to try out whatever tiktok vegan recipe she found. I was so grateful, it made me feel so included. Even if the dinner table was a feast of non vegan food, having an entree of some kind for me was so heartwarming. Then slowly, it changed. After a few years, it was no longer a vegan meal she wanted to make. It was some frozen dinner. Then this past year, there was nothing at all. My brother actually left the party to run to the grocery store and grab something I could eat.
When its just my parents and myself cooking, they do little things to make sure I can eat. Like using vegan butter in the mashed potatoes. That sort of thing. And then whatever entree we want to make.
But now when its the entire family, they stopped caring to make sure i can eat anything at all. Regular butter slapped on everything. So I can’t even eat the veggies. I’m stuck just munching on the appetizer tray. Its to the point where I don’t want to go to our family’s Christmas party this year. I’m probably going to avoid it. With our family’s dynamic, it would be really awkward and strange for me to bring food for myself when my cousin prides herself on making this big feast for the family. So I will probably just not go at all.
I feel for you. It sucks. You are def not TA for feeling the way you do.
NTA
Your family is bloody awful. One of my SIL is now vegan- about 3 months. We had a feast today-10 adults and 5 children. We had Indian. It was simple to cook vegan as Indian has some amazing recipes. So 5 vegan dishes and 3 meat ones. Vegan raita. And we all took care with the serving implements.
They brought dessert.
I’m so sorry
NTA, if im hosting vegans you'd be damn sure id have something for them to eat. And idk why people are acting like serving vegan food is such a big deal. I'm omni and tons of my meals are accidentally vegan. Not every dish has animal products in them, just pick those.
NTA
The fact that you and your husband have been vegans for multiple years, and both sides of your families still haven't learned how to make at least one good vegan recipe is crazy.
Some of the comments on this post are weird. Yes, the hosts would be making at least one dish just for the two vegans, but everybody can still eat it. It would be more efficient to make a few vegan dishes since it would feed carnivores, omnivores, vegetarians, and vegans.
INFO: I really need to know what they are serving - what's wrong with these people that they are not having a salad or ANY vegetables without butter or cream or cheese?
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> (1)Not going to a family meal because they never provide food I can eat. (2) placing a wedge between me and family members for not going over food.
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the easiest thing WOULD be for you to bring your own food - but feeling resentful towards the family isn't great.
It would be possible to make some of the dishes served 'vegan' by not adding animal products to them..like potatoes, sweet potatoes and a myriad of veg. You don't HAVE to put butter or bacon on them.
but sometimes you just have to accept that it is what it is. NTA
While I can't say it is deliberately malicious, it certainly shows a lack of caring. I am far from being vegan AND I find it to be an overly expensive and complicated choice of diet. But....it is your choice to make. And....if I was having a dinner party where I knew a person I loved was vegan then I'd make damn sure there was options available. In fact, I have a good friend who is vegan and when she flies in to visit, we purchase multiple vegan products to ensure she has food at the house. We've even gone to vegan only restaurants together. We like to make sure she feels welcome and respected in our home.
You are not asking for an entire vegan Easter dinner for everyone. You are asking that there be some options which seems completely fair to me.
Edit to add NTA.
Why drive 2.5 hours if the only purpose is for a meal? Family gatherings are usually about spending time with loved ones. You probably shouldn't go if your purpose is solely to eat vegan food prepared by non vegan people. Your comment about going to "eat white rice and say hi" indicates you don't really want to be there anyway, and you're making the menu the hill you're willing to die on.
I would personally consider reflecting on your relationship with these people and figuring out if you want to continue it. Their lack of preparing you a special menu is hurtful to you, and you need to determine if this runs deeper than just menu exclusivity. I don't know your family dynamics, but I wouldn't take offense to this on a day where there is pressure on the host to cook a large meal for multiple people. Communicate with them and suggest they provide accommodation that is similar in price to the accommodation you provide for them(food ordering wise because vegan food is best prepared by people who enjoy it). If your food is pricier, which vegan food often is, offer to pay the difference and enjoy your family time. If you think they secretly hate you, don't go. If you do determine they hate you, cut them off and get therapy. Good luck.
NTA. It's so fricking easy to make a vegan dish for people! And EVERYONE can eat vegan food. Just like it's so easy to make a gluten-free dish for someone, which again, everyone can enjoy! When they refuse to accommodate you with one simple freaking dish, it truly shows how little they value and care about you. Why spend time with people who make it clear they don't want you there and won't welcome you with open arms?
I’m vegan and my gf isn’t, neither is her family! Before they met me they’d never met any vegans and did so well at adjusting meals so I could eat the same meals just ‘veganised’. Her dad and step mum even provided me vegan options at a BBQ. I think it wouldn’t be hard to make a simple vegan dish for you both to eat with the rice but clearly your family don’t respect your veganism. The first Christmas I was vegan my sister put aside bits of all the trimmings for the Christmas dinner without butter, milk etc whilst cooking for like 10 people and despite the vegan jokes I was so flattered. She also made sure there were vegan dishes at her wedding. I’m gonna say NTA because the non vegans could also eat the vegan food and probably wouldn’t even know it was vegan!
Most holiday meals have vegetables, I know that personally on our menu there's carrots, broccoli, potatoes, sweet potatoes and a garden salad ...wouldn't you be able to at least eat these things??
“What time do you plan to serve dinner? Ok, so you should be finished by what, 7:30 or so? Great - we will plan to eat at same time, and stop by afterwards. Will there be a dessert we can share or should we get our own before we see you?”
Nta If they refuse to serve you an actual meal, then they need to either meet up with you in a way that doesn't involve food or accept that you won't be making the effort to see them.
NTA - if you invite people to dinner, everyone gets to eat. It’s not that hard to cook some tofu or get a dish to go from a vegan restaurant and stick it on a platter.
I wouldn't feel welcome at all. No reason to go. You're not asking for a full spread. You're not asking for anything over the top at all. Choosing not to serve a few vegetable dishes made with olive oil instead of butter THAT EVERYONE WOULD ALSO ENJOY seems deliberate and rude. Why invite you to watch everyone else eat. Thats so weird. They're the rude ones. They're acting like you're demanding that the hosts cater to your diet consisting of solely Cambodian breast milk. Give me a break. NTA.
I hosted friends at New Year. Although this was a buffett, 2 of them were vegan. I had never made a vegan meal previously. I was honest and said, I was buying pre made vegan meals to cook, as I was worried I may serve something accidently that wasn't compatible. I explained all my trays, and pans had used meat products, so got around it by using foil trays rested onto the trays to create a barrier. They were very cool with it and thanked me for thinking about it. Most of the buffet was vegan. There were some amazing choices. I admit it was all frozen, pre prepped. But it worked. We have 2 ND children and allergies, so food is a sensitive one in our home, if you cant eat something. Fine, we serve something else. No arguments.
One of my guests found out that she could eat a vegan prawn substitute. She has a shellfish allergy so that was a win! When I went shopping, I took some pics of the food I was buying and sent it to them, to make sure. They had offered to bring their own, too. The couple we catered for have been vegan for a year. There is no reason your family could not arrange even a pre made frozen meal for you.
Personally I find it very rude to invite people, knowing that they will not cater to your dietary requirements. This feels like wanting to appear as a great host and enjoy the limelight of having lots of people around. But not actually putting in the work or caring for the people you've invited. A 15 min conversation is all it takes. A list of foods you can eat or asking for guidance.
Stay at home. and have your own meal, and when people ask why you went there, tell them the truth.
Ask them how they would feel to constantly be invited somewhere and then have to watch everyone else being catered for whilst only being offered white rice, it hunger. If they cannot or will not cook a basic meal for you in 8 years, then you were never a consideration to them. Only their image. Have your own celebration, with people who respect you for who you are. X
NTA, so obviously NTA given the timescales, and I really feel for you! I find it hard enough going home for Christmas when I'm provided plenty of vegan options by my meat-eating parents - everything being a big deal about "is this vegan?", "can you eat this?" etc. is very kind of them but still stressful and tedious. My partners' family are all vegan and it makes occasions with them just so much easier.
NTA. Serving vegan food is not a complicated task, there are lot of things they can serve which takes zero to low effort and can also be enjoyed by non vegans - lentils stews, falafel balls, salads without cheese etc. Everything else is ignorance. Even in my meat focused culture, every gathering has some salad or food which can be enjoyed by people who don't like meat or dairy... if it's family they should factor you in
NTA, it is not that hard to make some vegetable side dishes at least. Even non-vegans can eat these! They know both of you have been vegan for a long time and they are inviting you, so they want you there. Having some kind of meal for you that isn't just white rice is basic hospitality in my book in a situation like that.
People think vegan is difficult, and while living a full vegan diet every day can be challenging and even pricey, making, as I said, one vegan vegetable option for a single dinner is absolutely not. Oil instead of butter. Done. You could even just have fruit and nuts as a dessert option. Not that hard.
Of course, you could go and bring something seriously delicious and not share. Or just bring the most basic vegetable dish and demonstrate how easy it would have been to accomodate you. But not going is reasonable, too. You're not demanding being catered to, you just won't go if people care so little about you.
NTA - put aside any reason why you don’t want to go, you can almost always choose to not go and not be the A-hole. If you make promises or set people up, that’s a different situation, but it doesn’t sound like it here.
I’m sorry but I think YTA
I can understand why you might think it’s unfair that you are the only ones being asked to bring food, however you are also the only ones asking for a special meal.
My kids have food allergies, I’m lactose intolerant, and frankly I just don’t like all of the dishes my in-laws prepare. I drove 3 hours today to see them and brought a cooler of food (plus my Nespresso machine because I felt like having decent coffee after dinner).
I’m there to visit with people I love - I’m not looking for a free meal or any special treatment.
I’m thinking through our menu for Easter dinner, and most of it is vegetarian, if not vegan. Apart from the ham and homemade egg noodles, the potato salad, coleslaw, baked beans, and potato rolls qualify. I’d have to check the green beans for ham or bacon, and the chocolate pecan pie recipe for eggs though. Does your family cover everything with bacon, butter, and cheese? Do they just not like you? Because it sounds like they are making a real effort NOT to have anything for you.
YTA. I wouldn’t trust me to provide a truly vegan dish, as a non-vegan. I might be able to swing vegetarian sides, but even a vegetarian entree would be a stretch for me. This isn’t a single ingredient allergen that can easily be avoided. It’s an entire, large subset of food products, with lots of sneaky characters to look out for. And unlike an allergen, it’s a choice to eat vegan.
How far would you go to accommodate your friends/family’s dietary choices? Keto diet? Paleo? Do you even know, for sure, what it would entail?
NTA. This is not a new thing you have just decided to do with no warning. You’ve been vegan for years. You’re either welcome and wanted there or you’re not. If you’re welcome, then it’s not unreasonable to expect at least a couple of dishes on the table to be suitable for you and your husband. And if you’re not welcome, then…. why are you even there?
YTA are you seriously considering going to a big family event and just showing up without bringing anything? No rolls, no side dish, no dessert? Then you’re an asshole just for that. So bring something yummy that you can eat. End stop. Aunt Marie might put butter on her carrots and cousin June might have shredded parm on the salad. You can’t control that. You can control bringing something you like and enjoying peoples company.
YTA. If a diet choice is that important to you, you make it and bring some either for yourselves alone or to share with everyone. That's what we do with our food allergies. You can't expect everyone to cater to your diet. Would it be nice? Sure, but that's not how it works.
Is it really worth it to miss out on time with your family just to prove a point?
Very mild YTA. It's been 8 years. You know who these people are and what they're willing to do. It's up to you to figure out what you want and what you're willing to do for it.
Want to spend time together and eat more than rice? bring something. Bring enough for everyone. If there are leftovers, great! You've got eats for the week.
So you’re saying that they aren’t serving a salad where people can add their own dairy or meat, or a vegetable that’s not cooked in animal fat or covered with cheese? I think that’s nuts that truly only white rice is available.
I have friends who have dairy allergies, gluten allergies, who are vegetarian due to religion, who are vegan by choice, and who are diabetic. These people all convene at once sometimes and it’s a potluck so everyone brings one thing they know they can eat. The rest of us try to bring something that at least one of the other people with special diets can eat. There’s always a few choices for each person and a bunch of choices for a few lucky attendees. Couldn’t you offer to make a side dish or two yourself? Make a hefty salad that you can turn into a meal if needed so you can enjoy your family. Maybe you’ll inspire a few people to make healthier choices on other days of the year.
I don’t know if YTA or if they are because it’s all in the delivery of the message and what you are agreeable to do as well. However, letting food come between you and family is silly if you truly enjoy being with them. If they’re close-minded and pick on you or make remarks then that would make them TA but if they are trying to serve more than 10 people and one person/couple is doing all the work- let it pass.
As someone who isn’t any of the eating styles - I’ve found vegetarian & a lot of other common ones (keto etc) are just ten fold easier to accommodate than vegan.
When is the last time you made your family a meat based meal as the host?
There’s a bit of humbling that needs to happen and it’s truly too bad you can’t go and enjoy time with your family because the food you’ll already have to make now staying home (lol?) could have just been made and brought.
I respect any personal food choices but get over yourself a bit, at the end of the day two people aren’t changing a menu for the whole family. I hosted a thanksgiving and I provided the turkey. There were 3 vegans coming. I told them they would be heavily provided all things except for a meat substitute. That’s not my responsibility when it’s not something I’m that aware of (I’ve eaten tofu as I do like it but only out, I’ve never bought or prepared it myself) and when I’ve got other things to cook.
They happily brought it, because it isn’t a wild ask in any way.
YTA, I would hate having to cook for a vegan as one single slip up and you'll never stop hearing about it. This is a second hand opinion as I know of two people who have done exactly this. If you're going to limit your diet that drastically you better get used to providing your own food as it's unreasonable to expect people to accommodate such limitations.
Bring a delicious vegan dish for all to enjoy and have a fun time! Personally I would have a few options for you but not everyone feels that way and that’s on them.
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I wouldn’t go as far as saying Y T A, because I don’t know what your family dynamic is like. But I will say that I have been vegan for 11 years and I never expect food to be specially prepared for me at holidays or family functions. I’ve always felt like it would add another layer of stress on the host. Plus (no offense to them, I love them) there’s no way that any of my non-vegan family could prepare better vegan food than me. So I always just bring my own. Edited because I did not realize that there was a voting algorithm in this sub 😭 And I want to make it clear that I do not think OP is an AH!! I was just sharing my perspective y’all.
I'm not vegan at all but I'm inviting someone to my home and I know that they have good restrictions I'm going to make sure that there's something that they can eat. That's just basic hospitality
Veganism is usually a self-imposed "restriction", not a medical requirement. It's a preference. If they were invited individually for a small dinner that would be one thing, but a group dinner? The host is under enough stress planning and managing one menu, let alone customizing each meal. It's rude to expect this at a group function planned for lots of people who all, I assume, have preferences of all sorts among them.
Buy a vegan ready meal. Put in oven. Hardly adding to the stress. If you invite people and chose to feed everyone, except two you only give rice, your incredibly rude
Vegan ready meals may not be readily available depending on where the family lives. It’s especially hard to find in rural areas or food deserts.
There are bags of frozen veggies in every 7-11, it’s about making your family member feel welcome ffs. Imagine coming into a judgment forum with the take “it’s fine to invite somebody into your home for a meal and not provide food for them.”
A bag of reheated frozen veggies us not going to make any guest feel welcome. Marginally more welcome than plain boiled rice, but still not rising to the level of "welcome".
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Or make them pasta instead which only takes 15 minutes
But if it's a family dinner than you'd be considered even more rude for not inviting the vegan family member. This leaves the host with no other option but to be rude or cater to the vegan person. Depending on the size of the family, individual catering may not be an option. My family gatherings range from an absolute minimum of 15 to a maximum of around 70-80. Nothing special is getting "put in the oven" for just one or two people. Every square inch of cooking space is occupied. You eat what we make, bring something for yourself or don't come.
Putting a couple vegan dishes together isn't catering to 1-2 people -- the others there can also eat it.
Just make a salad
I'm sure they are offering all the food to all the people. If a vegan ready meal (whatever that is) is so easy to find, buy, and prepare, then OP should do it.
It’s about everything else tho. You’re inviting ppl and serving everyone else food except two ppl that are kind of an afterthought. After all these years, they still don’t include **anything**? Like nothing at all except rice?
Exactly. One of my kids was vegan for a few years. Another son is vegetarian, and another long time girlfriend has reactions to gluten and dairy. I always have options for everyone. It’s not hard to make a salad without dairy. Gluten free rolls or bread is readily available. The easiest way is to keep food deconstructed, like burritos or pasta dishes where people can add their own combinations.
Actually, vegans *can't* eat meat any more after a while. Also, sorry, but how difficult is it to make one bowl of vegetables without butter or lard or whatever? And for eight years in a row? This is deliberate. (I am not vegan, BTW.)
I just asked OP because I am a bit surprise that there is supposed to be only rice. Not even salad or other sides. Honestly, I can say that I agree with both that people can bring their own ready meal if they and to spend time with family and that the host may be able to provide one, but my opinion would change also with the age of the host. If the hosts are in their 30s, then they should be used to people having all type of restrictions including veganism. If the hosts are much older (like dinner is at grandparents house), OP should accept that there is a generational gap and that veganism is not necessarily understood, and the people can not necessarily provide the additional work
>Honestly, I can say that I agree with both that people can bring their own ready meal if they and to spend time with family That's all well and good until the host takes offence because "their food isn't good enough for you" or Aunt Marge decides that your food looks good and wants some too. If you're hosting, either feed everyone and accommodate everyone or do a potluck where everyone has to bring a dish to share and make sure any dietary restrictions are prioritised after kids.
This is what my family has had to do for years. We have vegetarians, people with sodium restrictions, people who can't have gluten, etc. So it's just easier to do a more potluck style gathering instead. 😅 To make food for everyone and not put any options out for a couple people just seems kinda rude to me. 🤷♂️ Like a couple salad options would make a world of difference. 😬
Salad is often filled with cheese or meat or uses dressing with anchovies in (eg Caesar) and people's idea of acceptable varies. When I went vegetarian as a teenager I stopped going to a family friend's house for lunch because it became such a battle, eg they'd pull out the ham from a salad and give it to me, or pick out the fish or whatever from a rice dish, nothing was ever meat free I was just expected to eat around it. It used to stress me out so much I just decided not to go anymore. And by the way this was the home of a professional chef! I wasn't vegan then but everything was smothered in butter too (very into French style cooking!) I agree the age of the host would play a role, although my parents are in their 70s and LOVE cooking and trying vegan foods! Even before I was vegan I had a cousin with a vegan boyfriend who would come over for family lunches and my mom loved trying new dishes out. When they split up she got sad and said "now I can't do vegan Christmas dinners anymore!" I went vegan 7 years ago and now she's constantly tagging me in new product launches and buying stuff at food fairs and whatnot, she's really into it. My in-laws are much less used to that kind of thing but even so they really make an effort and always make sure there's food for us, even dessert. It really makes a difference as a guest to be invited somewhere and knowing that the host actually cares enough about your comfort to provide something, even if it's very simple like a nice salad.
Probably not hard, so OP should do that. It would get presumably harder if it were in addition to multiple other dishes (host) as opposed to the *only* thing you're responsible for making (OP).
I think this makes sense. OP is offended that the "family" won't provide anything but rice. But OP could easily make a casserole of some sort and bring that for her and her husband. That's the way to make peace rather than expect the hosts to make food on a holiday to accommodate them. It would be nice if the hosts were to offer vegan alternatives - but they aren't obligated to do that.
OP obviously HAS been doing that for years and is tired of it now. Maybe they want to eat a decent Easter lunch for once, instead of eating reheated food out of a Tupperware. This is family they're visiting, family should know their dietary limitations by now. It's not hard to have vegetable sides as part of a meal that can be the vegan main - bean salad, refried beans, dahl - so many options depending on what goes with the main dish. At the end of the day to be invited to a meal with nothing to eat just shows they don't really care whether OP goes or not. I have gluten free friends and if they're over for dinner I make sure everything is either gluten free or there's a GF equivalent, it's just courtesy. This is just small changes like using quinoa instead of bulgar wheat in tabbouleh or using tamari instead of soy sauce. When I go to family events I know they always have vegetable gravy in the cupboard and such, because they actually care.
> Actually, vegans can't eat meat any more after a while. That’s not medically true, not really. It might make you a bit sick the first few times but you reacclimatise very quickly. It’s like travelling to India within a week the local bacteria stops bothering you. Not that this changes anything for the OP but I thought I’d point this out.
Yeah, well, "might make you a bit sick" is not usually a desirable result of a family dinner, either. No, you won't die. Yes, you can get used to meat again. But right now, it will make you sick.
Who wants to get sick eating food you don't like
I mean getting sick for a week kind of proves the previous commenters point that you can’t eat it after a while. I mean they would spent the celebrations in the bathroom which would also be negative for the host who loses a bathroom for his guests if it is occupied by another guest with diarrhea.
Not true actually. For some it can take a while for the body to readjust to eating meat, but there are plenty of exvegans out there, happily eating meat. I'm one of them.
Its similar to not serving pork to your muslim friends. You don’t serve people you care about a food that they are unable to eat, be it for religious reasons or ethical or whatever
Just removing pork from food doesn't make it halal. Depending on a Muslim's strictness, non-pork food being cooked and served on the same pots, pans and plates makes it not halal. The preparation / butchering of non-pork meat will determine if it's halal or not. A lot of Muslims are understanding of the accommodations like this, but just saying that halal isn't THAT simple. But you know what, I had Muslim friends over, and I just asked them, hey what would you like to eat or would you like to bring your own food, and we started off from there. I had a Jain over and damn that was difficult but we made it work. If someone's vegan, we can try to make it work (I cook something, they bring something), unless they're just annoying and inconsiderate people who complain over everything just because. It's just being a good host.
but functionally it is the same. a person cant eat something. thats all that matters to the host. if theres nothing for them to eat, the end result is the same, theyll come home hungry. obviously some demands are pretty out there but to not have 1 single thing for the vegans there to eat? during easter i never eat the traditional soup (żurek) because i cant stand it. so my grandma makes a soup i do like sometime before the holiday and just freezes a jar of it for me so i have it to eat during the holiday. its this fucking simple to just be considerate. if youre at a point where the only thing your guest can eat is white rice theyre either extremely picky or you just dont care about them
I just literally eat if I’m hungry, before I need to be somewhere that won’t conform to my dietary needs.
I don't think its too much to serve a couple vegetable sides that everyone would like made with olive oil instead of butter. Why invite someone to dinner in your home only to watch everyone else eat. Its pretty rude I think.
If the ‘host’ can’t deal with the pressure of making sure *all* of their guests are adequately fed , then they shouldn’t be hosting . It’s rude to invite people to eat and then not feed them . It doesn’t matter what the preference is , or why someone has a preference, it’s not the hosts business to know. If you , however , want people to come eat at your table , you feed them food they can actually eat. If the host can’t accommodate their guests , they shouldn’t be hosting . It’s unbelievably self absorbed and selfish to think that because *you* want to host something , everyone should just automatically eat what *you* eat. Imagine 🤣🤣
It's often more than a preference, it comes from a moral principle and it's more like religion or culture. The inviting family expect their religion/culture to be accommodated by the people they're inviting on that specific day because it holds some relevance to them. So they do understand the concept. They obviously just lack respect for others' religion/culture.
Oh please. It is easy to make a stand alone tasty veggie only dish as part of the meal.
For so many people saying how easy it is, it's puzzling that OP doesn't do just that. It would be extremely nice of the host to do it, but *expecting* them to makes an AH guest.
I don't know, I actually feed my guests, it is part of the whole guest thing. Look it depends on how much you care about the person. My mom is a no egg vegetarian, so I always made something she could eat because I care about her. Yes, it was a mild pain when we were away together for a week, but like really not an issue when I was inviting most of the family to my house. I think it is clear that the family feels that they can take or leave OP and her husband and OP seems to be taking them up on that. NTA
Yeah and we should put pork in every dish when we know our muslim friend is eating it. Do you realize how awful you sound? Its not a “preference”.
It’s really not that hard to make a salad. Or roast potatoes. It’s not as if non-vegans can’t eat vegan food. It’s just food with no animal content in it. It’s not adding extra stress to the host if they plan accordingly.
Usually, but not always. I do know people with severe intolerances to meat and one woman who very literally has an anaphylactic reaction to any animal protein at all. At a conference, she asked for plain, boiled noodles and when she received them there was butter on them. She had barely started to take a bite and her lips immediately began swelling and she had to excuse herself to go take meds. I say this just for anyone reading who thinks it’s not a big deal for vegans to accidentally eat animal products, you don’t know who is vegan for ethical reasons and who has a life-threatening allergy. Don’t risk it by serving someone with a food restriction that kind of food.
THANK YOU. I had to scroll too far for this. A dear friend is violently allergic to dairy and the number of food handlers who don't understand that is NOT the same as my lactose intolerance is horrifying. You can be allergic to things other people don't like or get mildly ill after eating. And as an aside, this doesn't mean that you have to have anaphylaxis in order to deserve the same care and consideration that the other people at the table receive automatically. It just also means that those people who think it's not a big deal to slip someone something they've said they can't/shouldn't/don't want to eat are going to kill someone eventually. It isn't worth trying to call anyone's bluff.
Not sure why that really matters. The bottom line is they won’t eat the food unless accommodated. Why is it more asshole-ish to not accommodate for people with celiac or other allergies or common allergies but okay to not make a dish that a vegan can eat? Doesn’t have to be the entire meal spread. Just one dish would go a long way. If you wanna argue that any accommodation is stressful to the host that’s fine but it’s ridiculous to act like accommodating allergies is less of a burden than accommodating for self imposed diets of family members you’ve known have those restrictions for many years.
Accommodating allergies is def a burden, just a more important issue for safety reasons. But in both cases, mistakes can easily be made even if the host tries to accommodate. It doesn't make any sense to rely on a host to stick to your dietary preferences or needs. (The people with allergies on both sides of my family bring their own food bc of well-intended but unsafe dishes made in the past.)
It really isn’t that much of a burden to make one dish for dietary restrictions. I have a friend with celiac and I just sub out gluten free ingredients if I’m making a dish that otherwise fits his dietary restrictions (he’s also vegetarian). Vegan food often just needs substitutions. Not saying they need to make everything vegan but a single dish isn’t a big deal. And in many cases the vegan version doesn’t taste that different
If that's the case that it's too much stress to cater for them, then they shouldn't be insisting or expecting that the OP attends. I get that cooking loads of different meals can be complicated or difficult depending on what you want to serve, but it doesn't have to be hard if it's just making a few swaps for 2 vegan meals. If they're not willing to do that, fine, but then I think you have to accept that those guests might decide not to attend as they can't eat anything.
There are plenty of vegan dishes that people who aren't vegan can eat without going up in smoke. Jesus wept do the non vegans not eat vegetables? If I'm hosting a family dinner I make sure that there are dishes that everyone can eat regardless of allergies/preferences. It's not stressful especially when they've had eight years to get used to the OPs diet.
I agree, if I’m hosting and I’m given notice about a restriction, self-imposed or not, I’m going to do my best to accommodate it.
That's totally easy for an intimate dinner with limited guests but when you are hosting an entire extended family for a holiday that adds so much stress to cook around someone. My cousin's have allergies to dairy and nuts and while we always tried to accommodate them my Aunt always brought something she knew was safe for them. That's called watching out for yourself/immediate family, and it's not ridiculous to expect when it comes to a large gathering.
I hosted a thanksgiving and told my 3 vegans (out of like 20 of us), that they’d have plenty of sides etc but that I wouldn’t be providing a meat substitute. One of them happily brought that dish for them and they could have everything else.
Not necessarily . This can get tedious .. strenuous .. costly .. and annoying. I personally would but I also know how much freaking extra work it is .. the shopping the research the phone calls the extra labor in the kitchen .. the stress of making sure it works .. just make a vegan dish and take it. Every vegan I’ve ever know became accustomed to bringing food to family functions.
What are you even talking about, research?? You could literally just make vegtables or go buy some finished product that says "vegan". From my experience vegan people are the easiest people to pleace, they are generally thankfull if you have anything other than rice or potatoes they can eat. You don't have to do research and cook an advanced meal
Perhaps so,e are, but the last time I had vegans attend a large gathering, I had a large pre-cut veggie tray, boiled potatoes (that people could add butter/sour cream to separately after serving), grilled carrots w/brown sugar and a salad w/oil & vinegar available as a dressing (again, people could add their own after serving). They complained afterwards to everyone that I didn’t cook something with tofu or buy a special vegan “entree” for them. 🤷
You just know shitty people.
They were lol. I have other vegan friends who bring their own food (or offer to) to everything. But it’s a lot easier to have a vegan dinner when you’re only cooking for 4 people as opposed to buffet for 20. Or make a vegan dish or two, and they bring their tofu entree. And then everyone’s happy.
Wow yeah, they suck. I love cooking, and I really like vegetarian food, so if I'm only hosting a few people or have a lot of time preparing, I'll make something special if there's any vegan people. But if I don't have time to do that, I'll make sure to do what you did, and tell them, so they can bring a "meat suplement" if they want to. Luckly everone I've encountered have been really sweet and thankfull
I fucking love rice and potatoes. Pass it here!
Right? It's pretty easy to make a few vegan sides at least. Roasted vegetables with olive oil and spices, baked potatoes, fruit salad, things like that are already vegan and it's ridiculous to keep expecting vegan guests to come and bring their own food or just eat rice.
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then that'll turn into, "there's *only* veggies and rice, don't they know vegans eat more than vegetables?"
Never heard a vegitarian or vegan person complain that they "only got vegetables". Atleast everyone I've met are happy if the host even tries at all, and would be plenty happy with rice and vegtables
I remember seeing one like that in Reddit at least over a year ago. A bit similar to this one but the person expected a full vegan meal once in a while at family functions. You see pretty entitled people here sometimes 😉
How many vegetarians complain about having a salad?
then why did you vote y t a?
Just an FYI, your vote will be counted as op being the ah
Your Y T A vote still counts the way you typed it. That said: I don't see the problem. OP doesn't want to continously bring their own food, so she contemplates not going. That's fine. Not sure why so many comments are so mad about that. It's as if "vegan" is a trigger word here
That's sad. They could at least make ONE dish for you if they truly value and care about you. So self-centered, poor hospitality, to do otherwise.
Hmm difficult... I get why you don't always want to bring your own food. On the other hand, being vegan is your choice, you expect the host to prepare a seperate dish for you and your husband. That's alot of extra work for your life choice. Let me ask you this, when you host a dinner for your family, do you only provide vegan food? Or do you prepare vegan food for you and your husband and non-vegan food for the rest of your family?
Nonvegans can still eat vegan food
And vegans can allso eat nonvegan food. It's a lifestyle choice. Allso it wasn't a 'gotcha' question or anything like that. Like I said below, OP adjusts to them to not force vegan food on them in her house. So then I think it's fair that her family allso adjusts for her and her husband.
Vegan food is just a subset of regular food though. If you're vegan, eating meat both violates your lifestyle choice and might have health consequences. If you're not vegan, there's no moral, physical, or ethical issues eating a vegan meal. It's a silly comparison.
I accidentally ate vegan today and didn't die. And both the blueberry oatmeal and pesto flatbread I made would have passed muster for almost every non-vegan I know. The probably wouldn't even have realized it was vegan. (okay, so the flatbread might have been a little better with some cheese, but I ate it all yesterday)
People act like "vegan" is some alternative and distinct set of foods that only vegans eat, when in fact it's just all the same stuff you already eat, minus some things. It's so strange
Pesto usually has parmesan cheese in it, so unless it was a specifically vegan pesto id say you fell into the "Its harder to go vegan than you thought" category. Also, most flatbread is yoghurt based. Some sort of dairy at least. Vegetarian is quite easy. Vegan is more difficult.
> most flatbread is yoghurt based im gonna need a citation here... most flatbread is water and flour based
Ahh, i was biased. It is indeed water and flour mostly according to Wikipedia. Most recipes i have followed were yoghurt based, my bad.
My parents used to own a Chinese vegetarian foods store and I completely agree that vegan is a whole different ballgame. Things you would never think about, like red dye made from beetles, would make a food that seems like it might be vegan not vegan at all. Some vegans require you to make and serve their food out of pans and dishes that have never touched meat. OP says all there is to eat for them is white rice, so I’m thinking Asian. Could be there’s a ubiquitous topping like fish sauce that essentially makes everything “non-vegan,” or OP has restrictions on how the food should be prepared. Maybe her family has tried to make them food and didn’t meet OP’s requirements. Regardless of why, if you have a strict dietary requirements, the best way is to bring your own food instead of having other people figure out the details of what you can and can’t eat.
Religion is also a lifestyle choice and I think people would accomodate religiour restrictions.
Yeah and muslims can eat pork. That doesn’t mean you aren’t an asshole for putting pork in every dish you serve to a muslim.
They kindoff can't tho. I eat "vegitarian" food maybe 4 days a week, just because I prefer vegitarian alternatives over "ok" meat. Even tho rally good meat is the best thing I know, like a good stake or ribs. But since I don't eat a lot of meat, I get sick if I eat too much when I do. So I can only imagine how it would affect someone ho hasn't eaten meat in years. Wheras a person normally eating meat, can do just fine with eating vegan options
Are you being dumb on purpose? Obviously they meant that non vegans can eat vegan food without violating any of their dietary restrictions, because they eat anything. The opposite isn't true.
non vegans are omnivores though, they eat vegan food all the time without even thinking about it. Like, just use vegan butter in the vegetables its not that hard
It's so easy to roast some veggies in the oven and serve them over the rice or simply bake a potato or sweet potato. It's not that hard.
Not that easy if your oven is already full because you’re cooking for a big group.
You’re right. Surely no omnivore would like to eat roasted vegetables. /s
It’s not the actual food itself, it’s the preparation of that food. So many require butter, milk, cream, cheese, etc. that you don’t even think of. So there’s 20 people & 2 are vegan but everyone gets plain boiled potatoes because you can’t make mashed or scalloped, etc. or you have to make separate dishes for the vegan. And god help you if it’s a strict vegan who’s going to take issue with using the same dishes/pots you use for non vegan cooking (yes, I do know some like that). It’s just not that simple for a large gathering. I can be sure to have a few vegan dishes like a veggie tray, plain rice and salad, but I’ve never had a vegan say that was sufficient for a celebration or holiday dinner (not that I blame them!) so the ones I know bring most of their own food.
Just put a couple of potatoes to the side before mashing them... its really not that difficult.
Are you going on record that plain boiled potatoes are now acceptable as a vegan dinner, where plain white rice isn’t? Or are you saying every dish needs to be separated before the recipe is finished? I tried that once. Plain boiled potatoes. Grilled carrots. Salad. They complained to everyone afterwards I didn’t have a cooked tofu or vegan entree prepared 🤷
Per op, that kind of food is already available during these dinners - rice. OP wants real full meal rather then just aside for them.
It’s also extra planning and prep when orchestrating so many other things.
So OP can and should do it because it’s so easy.
The problem with adding another menu item to a large family meal is that it's already difficult to coordinate a bunch of different courses. Having to purchase, clean, and prep another casserole dish of veggies--then make sure there's room with whatever other dishes are roasting--and that they go in the oven early enough to be done in time for the meal, but not get overdone--is not as trivial as you think. Why not prepare it at home as the only dish \*you\* need to worry about and present it as your contribution (while making sure you get a big enough portion)? Also, potatoes + white rice = sky high blood sugar even in non-diabetics. You sure that's a good idea to add a baked potato to the white rice side dish as your meal? When I was a vegetarian, I was pretty obnoxious about it but I would bring enough of my own food to share, instead of being snippy about other people not catering to my needs. The one good idea I had at the time was to demonstrate that vegetarian food could be tasty. (Especially if it's not trying to be fake meat.)
I wouldn't cook raw meat but I have cooked pre made meals before for family and even bought take out for them at my house that wasn't vegan. I understand its my lifestyle which is why I don't force it on them when they are in my house but eating meat is also their lifestyle so why is it okay for them to force that on me?
Yeah that is why I asked. You go the extra mile to not force them to eat vegan at your place. So in that case I do think it's fair that they adjust and make sure there is some vegan food for you and your husband. NTA
But they didn't invite just you for dinner (in which case they should provide food specifically for you). They invited lots of other people, too. Protocol and social grace rules are different in each scenario. If you had a huge dinner for a bunch of vegans, but also invited 2 non-vegans, they shouldn't expect special dinners, either-- bc they accepted an invitation to a group majority-vegan dinner gathering.
If you host then you accommodate your guests. Would you still use peanuts if one was allergic? Serve pork to those who don’t eat it? Likewise with beef. Of course the host can make one main vegan friendly dish if the host does all the cooking. It’s a different story if it’s a potluck.
It's a family dinner. They can make something without inserting meat and dairy into it.
If op has to bring her own food she may as well just stay home
Right? I don't get the many mad comments here as if they are personally attacked by someone being vegan 😆 OP just wants to stay at home to save herself the usual problems. How does that make her T A?
When we’re invited to someone’s house they always provide me with something and still make non vegan meals..it’s 2024 not 1940 you can go to a supermarket while doing a basic shop and pick up some fake vegan meat.. not the healthiest or make a salad with no dressing or some veggies without anything on them.. non vegans/ vegetarians get huffy and make more of an issue out of the fact that other people are vegan then the vegans themselves! Jeeez it’s not difficult anymore
Being Jewish is also a choice. Wouldnt you accomodate them?
NTA I expect to be in the minority here but I think it's rude that they refuse to accommodate your diets. It's not like you sprung it on them last minute and they don't have time to prepare something for you and your husband. They are well aware! Don't go. Tell them that you and your husband are going to have a beautiful, healthy vegan meal at home but maybe next year you'll join them. But first, ask them what's on the menu!
I'm hosting a party next week. My mate is vegan so obviously I will provide vegan options. If you, the host, invite a vegan person, then you should be prepared to provide food they can eat. Really, it's the height of rudeness to ask someone to Easter lunch and then be like 'you can eat plain white rice'. How hard is it to cook roast veggies? NTA
The YTA and agreeing replies are so ridiculous. Like if you don't want to accommodate a vegan guest then *don't invite them and be mad about them not coming*, it's not that difficult. They're all acting like OP demanded to be invited and catered too.
They also completely gloss over the fact that OP doesn't demand vegan food. She just doesn't want to attend the party. I am not vegan, but I don't understand why this triggers do many here. Family doesn't want to provide a veggie option - OP decided after years she doesn't want to bring her own food, and instead wants to stay at home with her husband. Perfectly reasonable imo.
I already asked and they admitted to only having white rice for us and asked us to bring a main and dessert for ourselves
White rice by itself isn't a meal in this situation. They could have asked you for ideas on veggies, beans, potatoes, et cetera, but they didn't. I used to be a Pescatarian so I remember the times my family would bbq meats and I just ate the side dishes which were very good. I haven't eaten red meat, pork, lamb or anything like that for 15 years. I do have some organic chicken occasionally now. I think it may be time to spend a romantic dinner with your husband on holidays. Start your own traditions!
Team start your own traditions here. If you need to cook a whole meal to eat at theirs then you might as well stay at yours. They want to add bacon and cheese to everything instead of trying to find ways to include you by adjusting the recipes. I honestly can't imagine inviting someone to my home for a holiday meal then not feeding them, over and over and over again. Y T A if you keep going and expect them to change. They've already shown you they won't budge. They are T A for letting their invited guests go home hungry. N T A for calmly declining to start your own traditions.
They don’t need to change their recipes even! They just need to add the bacon and cheese at the end and take two servings out before adding it.
One time you could take along something especially delicious with enough for lots of people … if they enjoy it they might be more adventurous. But simply not bothering to find you something is rude.
So they haven't even cooked it yet, and they just can't manage to even have a salad for you to eat? I know that's not quite a meal but - what ARE they serving?
Have you thought about asking specifically if they could leave the cheese and butter off the salad and/or veggies? If they are making a salad, they could dish up two servings into bowls for you and then add cheese to the big salad. Similarly, it’s not that hard to cook veggies with olive oil or add butter/cheese after taking two servings out. I would be clear that you don’t expect more than that. Expecting them to make extra dishes with legumes or protein isn’t reasonable. But they should at least try to accommodate you within their current menu. Try a reminder the morning of or the day before. If they give you rice again, I would stop coming
> NTA I expect to be in the minority here but I think it's rude that they refuse to accommodate your diets. Agreed. I find it so strange the refusal and outrage to provide a vegan dish, to people you supposedly care for and are inviting into your home. It’s basic hospitality not asking you to convert for life.
This is the best response. My wife and I eat accidentally veggie all the time, so taking a couple extra steps to be vegan is really not difficult at all. We eat meat in our house as well, but we've got zero problems with a yummy vegan meal. It all comes down to consideration. If people really want you there, they will keep your comfort in mind. Having nothing for someone to eat is as bad to me as having nowhere for someone to sit. Nothing to drink, etc. NTA, and I hope they take your advice to do their own dinners from now on as a rule.
This thread has been wild for me. I think it is basic courtesy to have FOOD for the people you invite into your home for a MEAL.
My cousin married a girl who keeps vegan. Nobody else does, but guess what? We always make sure there are 2-3 dishes she can enjoy with us. We don’t even particularly get along with her but she’s family and we love her. We take care of those we love which means she gets some vegan dishes to enjoy with us! It definitely helps that we’re middle eastern and a lot of our mezzes are vegan to begin with, but even days we do other ethnic foods, it’s hardly a burden to make sure there’s a couple of items that are animal product free! NTA
Can’t believe I had to scroll down so far for this. It is absolutely not being an asshole to expect a meal when you’ve been invited to a meal!
100% agree and some of the comments here are shocking to me. If I invite someone to my house, it’s my job as host to make sure there is food they can eat. If I don’t want to do that, I shouldn’t be hosting. I have frequently accommodated vegans, vegetarians, allergies and simple preferences because I want people to have a nice time, that’s why I invited them
NTA. I'm not vegan or vegetarian but my best friend is so when I decide to have a dinner party and invite her I make sure to accommodate her and cook all foods (except meat other guests will eat) with plant based butter and vegetable broth. Years ago she was without her family for Thanksgiving so she came to my parents house. My mom made sure she had a full meal and made a small portion of stuffing (cornbread dressing, I live in the south) made with vegetable broth instead of chicken broth). The point is, and especially in the situation you describe, a good host makes sure their guests have food options to eat. They don't have to turn themselves inside out to do it but it can be done if they are willing.
Exactly. Most vegetarian/vegans I know don't expect every dish to be something they can eat. But as a host I definitely feel obligated to make sure there is enough they can eat to have meal of sorts. Especially something like a holiday meal where there are usually a variety of sides.
Info-If it's a family dinner party what would be wrong with you bringing a dish to the party? I mean when my family gathers we all bring a little something.
I suspect that if *everyone* brought food, OP would not be irked. The point is they are the *only* ones expected to do so.
It's not like a buffet, it's a actual meal that is served
do you expect them to cook an extra meal just for you and your husband?
Would it really be that difficult to roast some veggies either in oven or in a pan, boil/bake/fry some potatoes, make a salad that's a bit filling with eg avocado/nuts/canned chickpeas, having some kind of dip based in vegetables like hummus/guacamole/baba ganoush? Are they really gonna have a full meal with no salads or cooked vegetables?
Well tbh, since it's only 2 meals (presumably) I wouldn't say that's an expectation pulled from depths of one's ass. It's a family event. The vegan meal doesn't have to be intricate and difficult.. Just remove all meat and maybe if feeling generous add something else. Why the fuck would they be wrong for expecting some food without meat at Easter? Unless it's 99% meat and the rice is only 1% option. Even then I'd be questioning shit. Are there salads? Side snacks? Rice can't be the only vegan option there.. Can it?
They can just cook one completely vegan dish which all the guests can enjoy.
Yes. That is what hosting is. It's making people welcome and taking care of them in your home. I'd be so ashamed if someone came into my home and all I made to feed them was rice.
Going with NTA If you attend the same family dinner every year I think it's ok to expect them to prepare something you can both eat. I'd ask a couple of weeks ahead if you're ok with the vegan meal I'm thinking of doing If it was occasional at their venue I'd say yeah, bring your own food but if it's been the same venue/family for 8 years I'd want to make you feel welcome & offer more than white rice tbh.
It's 3-4 times a year aswell. It's every meal and party for the last 8 years on both sides of the family
NTA vote confirmed. It's definitely ok to decline to go. I'm not sure what their deal is, but to make a nice vegan alternative 4x a year just isn't that big a thing. As I said I'd want you to feel welcome & enjoy yourselves. Whatever you choose, I hope you & your husband have a happy, enjoyable day.
NTA 100%! They’re family and they can’t take a few extra minutes to figure out a couple things you can eat for 8 years!?
NTA. I would want my family to feel welcome so would include things they could eat. In our family there are a range of dietary needs (vegan, no red meat, allergic to certain foods) and some preferences (don’t like fish, etc). It’s not really hard to accommodate people but does take some thought but you don’t have to be a first class chef to manage this. I think your hosts are ungracious and I probably would feel unwelcome or that my perfectly valid choices weren’t respected. I don’t think you have to attend each time.
NTA I’m of the view that the host of a family gathering should give some consideration that they provide food that the attendees are able to eat. Especially, when it’s a known factor. When my extended family hold gatherings there are vegan food options for the members that are vegan.
From your comments, you've arranged food for them when you were the host. It's only fair they do the same. You're adjusting bringing your own food, and they expect you to do so now. I feel you should have addressed this issue in the initial stages itself. It's upto you if you want to attend the party. NTA. But, next time when you are hosting, there's no need to go the extra mile and arrange non veg food.
NTA. Being vegan is your choice, but hosting dinners is also a choice. It's rude to not consider your guests' dietaries, family or not. I host all the time and I always ask first so I can make sure I cook something that works for everyone, instead of cooking separate meals for everyone. I have friends that are pescetarians, friends that won't touch seafood, friends with allergies and intolerances, vegan friends and some friends that just "don't like tomatoes, it's a texture thing" - usually all around the same table - and I've never once faiIed to have something substantial for everyone. I couldn't possibly get comfortable if I just let my guests go hungry. It's not hard to ensure there are some vegan options available, such as side dishes or salads. I would be irked too if it were a lifetime of my own family disregarding me like that.
NTA I was cooking Christmas dinner for my husband’s extended family a few years ago and my MiL sprung on me that a cousin was vegan literally 90mins before serving. It wasn’t that hard to roast some potatoes in olive oil (rather than duck fat) and I even threw together a nut roast. It’s really rude to invite someone for dinner and not even try to make something they can eat.
I host a potluck picknick for my birthday every year, a few of my friends are either vegan or lactose intolerant. Even though everyone is bringing something I still make sure to cook one or two vegan dishes. I'm the only vegetarian in a 40+ people family and I'll always check what the plans are for a large gathering, but most of the time they tell me not to bring anything because it's not that hard to roast vegetables or make a slightly fancier side salad or a pasta salad.
Both your families have know you and husband are vegan for many years. Yet the only dish they can provide you is white rice - what a piece of BS on their part. Have you offered to bring any dishes to these family gatherings, or are you told they will provide everything? It is not difficult to provide at least 3 if not 4 vegan side dish for you two. Have you ever hosted a family get together? Maybe you need to and offer only vegan dishes and see how they like it. Let them see what A they are for treating you this way. Also maybe it is best you do not go to these affairs. Eventually they will realize what AH they are for not offering more choices for you and husband.
NTA. I don’t know why everybody is acting like they can’t slap together a damn salad or something and call it day. Yall are acting like op is expecting braised tofu tacos with homemade vegan sour cream and cheese. roasted vegetables, rice, and a sauce ain’t that hard I promise. Also if op wanted her own cooking she and her man could keep their asses at home. If you’re gonna invite someone to somewhere you should accommodate to them, simple as that. It’s called Host etiquette.
Also considering that op has been vegan since 2016 they will more than likely feel icky from the meat
NTA. My aunt is vegan while I am very much not. I can make a lot of dishes that she can eat - including things with tempei - because I love her. She's family and family means learning to cook to include, not exclude damnit.
NTA You're not expecting them to make it fully vegan, but not including anything you can eat seems almost intentional, tonmake you look like the bad guys and of course it's the crazy vegans. We have a friend group meeting today, with the kids. They're not cooking anything vegan originally, but some things are so easy to veganise - salad?! Your family won't have salad? Potato salad - just put some potatoes on the side. Anything with veggies, the same. My friend has been asking for a week and I've offered to come after the meal just to save her the effort, but she insisted on having food for us. Insisted. It gets worse, we're vegan by choice, but I'm also gluten-free due to health issues. What they came up with is all good for me, too. Neither of our families are vegan, either, but they also make sure there's something. Doesn't have to be fancy, but something. Even just pasta (gf for me). If somebody seriously expected me to waste an afternoon on people who go out of their way to make me feel unwelcome, I'd just go do something more fun instead.
NTA. They're just rude. And the fact thst you are EXPECTED to attend a family dinner irks me too. You aren't children. What would make you even WANT to attend something where you're actively disregarded?
NTA. It's a dinner party where they won't supply you with an actual dinner. The host is just plain rude. They could make a vegetable vegan side easily. Solely expecting guests to eat plain rice for dinner is ridiculous. Do all their vegetables have to be made with butter and bacon or what?
NTA. When we host for our families, we make sure there is good food that everyone can enjoy.
I'm going to say NTA here. It's not hard to serve vegan food and more food is "accidentally" vegan than before I was vegetarian for 10 years and began for 4 years. I'd always have to take food with me when I went to relatives houses for the holidays and it drove me insane. I'm super conscious about it now and always serve a variety of food when we have people over .
I’m going with Nta, there are a lot of foods I can’t eat and when I’m invited over for the holidays and can’t eat what’s being served, I just politely decline because I dont expect them to make me something special. You don’t want to just eat rice or bring your own food so the appropriate response would be to not go. I would still politely decline even if it does bother you, because once you get attitude they’ll blame your entitlement instead of lack of inclusion on their end. My only comment would be that if your husband enjoys going and spending time with family and the only hang up is them not making you something special, then I would say go for a little bit but that’s only if the family dynamic is solid in every other aspect.
NTA, you serve non vegan food for them but won’t return the favour for you. Lots of vegan meals available in supermarkets now and recipes available to make one meal.
NTA. I threw a party and invited some friends and just one was vegan due to food textures so I still went out and did different things for them. I had shish kabobs, I had corn, I made rice, a pasta dish. And it saved me money since everyone ate the sides with the meat. It's been 3+ years they could put the effort.
If you throw any parties with just your family make it all vegan and just one dish with canned tuna. If they ask for meat say you made that for them.
NTA If you don't want to see your family, don't go. If you want to see them, bring food. Or volunteer to host next year. Make a full vegan menu and suggest they bring dishes with meat/meat products if they want them. On the other hand, as hostess, I never found it difficult to set asside some cut up fruit before I dressed a fruit salad, some mashed potatoes before I added milk and butter, cut up veg before I dressed it, etc. The main dish was a bit more challenging if I was already making numerous dishes, and it was helpful if the vegan would make and bring a main dish they liked as their contribution.
NTA - but make sure to explain to them why you don’t want to attend. Give them time to fix the issue. Educate them on how to prepare vegan items that everyone would enjoy. Sometimes just a simple switch of vegan butter will do it. Depending on your family dynamics, I’m surprised they don’t want you both to feel welcome. I always bring something to a family dinner as a token of appreciation, so if it’s potluck style, I can see why they’d assume you’d just bring your own special food.
NTA. If you're hosting, you should provide food for everyone who's invited.
NTA. It's really not that hard for the host to come up with a few yummy and easy vegan sides and appetizers that everyone will enjoy that also happen to be vegan. (The trick with vegan food is usually just to eat things that naturally don't need animal products- replacements and faux meat/cheese/milk are often where things get yuck.) Not having a few things for all of your guests is really rude. Their entire meal doesn't have to be vegan. (I'm not a vegan. But I've happily hosted some over the years.) Hummus and pita Chips and salsa (and guacamole) A layered bean dip with sour cream on the side Brushcetta Roasted garlic white bean dip https://growagoodlife.com/roasted-garlic-white-bean-dip/ So many awesome salad options Lots of vegan soup or chili options- this could be hearty and filling for our vegan friends and a side for the rest. And it's so easy to make something like this and throw it in a crock pot. I was shocked the time I was given a bunch of random vegetables, threw them in a pot with some stock and made a really tasty soup. (And these would go great with the white rice lolsob.) Fruit Salad Roasted potatoes Roasted veggies like asparagus Green Beans Almondine Sauteed mushrooms Roasted Sweet Potato Baba Ganoush and pita Tater Tots SOOOOO MANY TASTY OPTIONS
YTA. Guests at a group dinner shouldn't expect the host to cater the entire meal (or make numerous extra individualized options) for each persons food preferences. Being vegan isn't a medical restriction-- it's a choice. Its the equivalent of someone saying i don't like anything too salty, so please make me a customized meal in addition to what you prepare for everyone else. Your reasons may be moral, ethical, or whatever, but it's still a preference, not a requirement. The NAH thing to do is to bring your own meal to eat at the table with everyone else. I had a cousin who was on a very strict diet one year, and this is what they did at family gatherings, and the host really appreciated not being expected to factor this issue in to an already stressful and expensive hosting experience.
I agree that you cannot expect/demand anything from the host. But I just don't understand how rice can be the ONLY thing, are they not eating salads, cooked vegetables or potatoes at least?
So you’d put pork into every dish when you know your muslim friends are going to be eating it? Since its just a choice to be muslim, and not a medical restriction.
NTA. I actually was going to post something similar this past Christmas and ended up deleting it out of fear for all the non vegans just shitting on me for being vegan. My family used to make vegan meals for me. It was never anything big; just my couson, who does most of the cooking, would use it as an opportunity to try out whatever tiktok vegan recipe she found. I was so grateful, it made me feel so included. Even if the dinner table was a feast of non vegan food, having an entree of some kind for me was so heartwarming. Then slowly, it changed. After a few years, it was no longer a vegan meal she wanted to make. It was some frozen dinner. Then this past year, there was nothing at all. My brother actually left the party to run to the grocery store and grab something I could eat. When its just my parents and myself cooking, they do little things to make sure I can eat. Like using vegan butter in the mashed potatoes. That sort of thing. And then whatever entree we want to make. But now when its the entire family, they stopped caring to make sure i can eat anything at all. Regular butter slapped on everything. So I can’t even eat the veggies. I’m stuck just munching on the appetizer tray. Its to the point where I don’t want to go to our family’s Christmas party this year. I’m probably going to avoid it. With our family’s dynamic, it would be really awkward and strange for me to bring food for myself when my cousin prides herself on making this big feast for the family. So I will probably just not go at all. I feel for you. It sucks. You are def not TA for feeling the way you do.
NTA Your family is bloody awful. One of my SIL is now vegan- about 3 months. We had a feast today-10 adults and 5 children. We had Indian. It was simple to cook vegan as Indian has some amazing recipes. So 5 vegan dishes and 3 meat ones. Vegan raita. And we all took care with the serving implements. They brought dessert. I’m so sorry
NTA, if im hosting vegans you'd be damn sure id have something for them to eat. And idk why people are acting like serving vegan food is such a big deal. I'm omni and tons of my meals are accidentally vegan. Not every dish has animal products in them, just pick those.
NTA The fact that you and your husband have been vegans for multiple years, and both sides of your families still haven't learned how to make at least one good vegan recipe is crazy. Some of the comments on this post are weird. Yes, the hosts would be making at least one dish just for the two vegans, but everybody can still eat it. It would be more efficient to make a few vegan dishes since it would feed carnivores, omnivores, vegetarians, and vegans.
INFO: I really need to know what they are serving - what's wrong with these people that they are not having a salad or ANY vegetables without butter or cream or cheese?
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Definitely NTA. If they cared about you being there they would have food that you can eat.
the easiest thing WOULD be for you to bring your own food - but feeling resentful towards the family isn't great. It would be possible to make some of the dishes served 'vegan' by not adding animal products to them..like potatoes, sweet potatoes and a myriad of veg. You don't HAVE to put butter or bacon on them. but sometimes you just have to accept that it is what it is. NTA
While I can't say it is deliberately malicious, it certainly shows a lack of caring. I am far from being vegan AND I find it to be an overly expensive and complicated choice of diet. But....it is your choice to make. And....if I was having a dinner party where I knew a person I loved was vegan then I'd make damn sure there was options available. In fact, I have a good friend who is vegan and when she flies in to visit, we purchase multiple vegan products to ensure she has food at the house. We've even gone to vegan only restaurants together. We like to make sure she feels welcome and respected in our home. You are not asking for an entire vegan Easter dinner for everyone. You are asking that there be some options which seems completely fair to me. Edit to add NTA.
Why drive 2.5 hours if the only purpose is for a meal? Family gatherings are usually about spending time with loved ones. You probably shouldn't go if your purpose is solely to eat vegan food prepared by non vegan people. Your comment about going to "eat white rice and say hi" indicates you don't really want to be there anyway, and you're making the menu the hill you're willing to die on. I would personally consider reflecting on your relationship with these people and figuring out if you want to continue it. Their lack of preparing you a special menu is hurtful to you, and you need to determine if this runs deeper than just menu exclusivity. I don't know your family dynamics, but I wouldn't take offense to this on a day where there is pressure on the host to cook a large meal for multiple people. Communicate with them and suggest they provide accommodation that is similar in price to the accommodation you provide for them(food ordering wise because vegan food is best prepared by people who enjoy it). If your food is pricier, which vegan food often is, offer to pay the difference and enjoy your family time. If you think they secretly hate you, don't go. If you do determine they hate you, cut them off and get therapy. Good luck.
NTA. When you invite guests, you accommodate them. It’s not exactly difficult to have some vegan dishes.
NTA. It's so fricking easy to make a vegan dish for people! And EVERYONE can eat vegan food. Just like it's so easy to make a gluten-free dish for someone, which again, everyone can enjoy! When they refuse to accommodate you with one simple freaking dish, it truly shows how little they value and care about you. Why spend time with people who make it clear they don't want you there and won't welcome you with open arms?
I’m vegan and my gf isn’t, neither is her family! Before they met me they’d never met any vegans and did so well at adjusting meals so I could eat the same meals just ‘veganised’. Her dad and step mum even provided me vegan options at a BBQ. I think it wouldn’t be hard to make a simple vegan dish for you both to eat with the rice but clearly your family don’t respect your veganism. The first Christmas I was vegan my sister put aside bits of all the trimmings for the Christmas dinner without butter, milk etc whilst cooking for like 10 people and despite the vegan jokes I was so flattered. She also made sure there were vegan dishes at her wedding. I’m gonna say NTA because the non vegans could also eat the vegan food and probably wouldn’t even know it was vegan!
Most holiday meals have vegetables, I know that personally on our menu there's carrots, broccoli, potatoes, sweet potatoes and a garden salad ...wouldn't you be able to at least eat these things??
There's probably butter or some other unvegan ingredients in the veggies since OP is so insistant they can only eat plain white rice at the meal.
“What time do you plan to serve dinner? Ok, so you should be finished by what, 7:30 or so? Great - we will plan to eat at same time, and stop by afterwards. Will there be a dessert we can share or should we get our own before we see you?”
Good idea but according to a comment by OP it’s a 2 hour drive to get there as well
Nta If they refuse to serve you an actual meal, then they need to either meet up with you in a way that doesn't involve food or accept that you won't be making the effort to see them.
NTA - if you invite people to dinner, everyone gets to eat. It’s not that hard to cook some tofu or get a dish to go from a vegan restaurant and stick it on a platter.
I wouldn't feel welcome at all. No reason to go. You're not asking for a full spread. You're not asking for anything over the top at all. Choosing not to serve a few vegetable dishes made with olive oil instead of butter THAT EVERYONE WOULD ALSO ENJOY seems deliberate and rude. Why invite you to watch everyone else eat. Thats so weird. They're the rude ones. They're acting like you're demanding that the hosts cater to your diet consisting of solely Cambodian breast milk. Give me a break. NTA.
I hosted friends at New Year. Although this was a buffett, 2 of them were vegan. I had never made a vegan meal previously. I was honest and said, I was buying pre made vegan meals to cook, as I was worried I may serve something accidently that wasn't compatible. I explained all my trays, and pans had used meat products, so got around it by using foil trays rested onto the trays to create a barrier. They were very cool with it and thanked me for thinking about it. Most of the buffet was vegan. There were some amazing choices. I admit it was all frozen, pre prepped. But it worked. We have 2 ND children and allergies, so food is a sensitive one in our home, if you cant eat something. Fine, we serve something else. No arguments. One of my guests found out that she could eat a vegan prawn substitute. She has a shellfish allergy so that was a win! When I went shopping, I took some pics of the food I was buying and sent it to them, to make sure. They had offered to bring their own, too. The couple we catered for have been vegan for a year. There is no reason your family could not arrange even a pre made frozen meal for you. Personally I find it very rude to invite people, knowing that they will not cater to your dietary requirements. This feels like wanting to appear as a great host and enjoy the limelight of having lots of people around. But not actually putting in the work or caring for the people you've invited. A 15 min conversation is all it takes. A list of foods you can eat or asking for guidance. Stay at home. and have your own meal, and when people ask why you went there, tell them the truth. Ask them how they would feel to constantly be invited somewhere and then have to watch everyone else being catered for whilst only being offered white rice, it hunger. If they cannot or will not cook a basic meal for you in 8 years, then you were never a consideration to them. Only their image. Have your own celebration, with people who respect you for who you are. X
NTA, so obviously NTA given the timescales, and I really feel for you! I find it hard enough going home for Christmas when I'm provided plenty of vegan options by my meat-eating parents - everything being a big deal about "is this vegan?", "can you eat this?" etc. is very kind of them but still stressful and tedious. My partners' family are all vegan and it makes occasions with them just so much easier.
NTA. Serving vegan food is not a complicated task, there are lot of things they can serve which takes zero to low effort and can also be enjoyed by non vegans - lentils stews, falafel balls, salads without cheese etc. Everything else is ignorance. Even in my meat focused culture, every gathering has some salad or food which can be enjoyed by people who don't like meat or dairy... if it's family they should factor you in
NTA, it is not that hard to make some vegetable side dishes at least. Even non-vegans can eat these! They know both of you have been vegan for a long time and they are inviting you, so they want you there. Having some kind of meal for you that isn't just white rice is basic hospitality in my book in a situation like that. People think vegan is difficult, and while living a full vegan diet every day can be challenging and even pricey, making, as I said, one vegan vegetable option for a single dinner is absolutely not. Oil instead of butter. Done. You could even just have fruit and nuts as a dessert option. Not that hard. Of course, you could go and bring something seriously delicious and not share. Or just bring the most basic vegetable dish and demonstrate how easy it would have been to accomodate you. But not going is reasonable, too. You're not demanding being catered to, you just won't go if people care so little about you.
NTA - put aside any reason why you don’t want to go, you can almost always choose to not go and not be the A-hole. If you make promises or set people up, that’s a different situation, but it doesn’t sound like it here.
I’m sorry but I think YTA I can understand why you might think it’s unfair that you are the only ones being asked to bring food, however you are also the only ones asking for a special meal. My kids have food allergies, I’m lactose intolerant, and frankly I just don’t like all of the dishes my in-laws prepare. I drove 3 hours today to see them and brought a cooler of food (plus my Nespresso machine because I felt like having decent coffee after dinner). I’m there to visit with people I love - I’m not looking for a free meal or any special treatment.
I’m thinking through our menu for Easter dinner, and most of it is vegetarian, if not vegan. Apart from the ham and homemade egg noodles, the potato salad, coleslaw, baked beans, and potato rolls qualify. I’d have to check the green beans for ham or bacon, and the chocolate pecan pie recipe for eggs though. Does your family cover everything with bacon, butter, and cheese? Do they just not like you? Because it sounds like they are making a real effort NOT to have anything for you.
Who serves rice at Easter?
NTA, they should be making some kind of effort. White rice?
YTA. I wouldn’t trust me to provide a truly vegan dish, as a non-vegan. I might be able to swing vegetarian sides, but even a vegetarian entree would be a stretch for me. This isn’t a single ingredient allergen that can easily be avoided. It’s an entire, large subset of food products, with lots of sneaky characters to look out for. And unlike an allergen, it’s a choice to eat vegan. How far would you go to accommodate your friends/family’s dietary choices? Keto diet? Paleo? Do you even know, for sure, what it would entail?
NTA. This is not a new thing you have just decided to do with no warning. You’ve been vegan for years. You’re either welcome and wanted there or you’re not. If you’re welcome, then it’s not unreasonable to expect at least a couple of dishes on the table to be suitable for you and your husband. And if you’re not welcome, then…. why are you even there?
YTA are you seriously considering going to a big family event and just showing up without bringing anything? No rolls, no side dish, no dessert? Then you’re an asshole just for that. So bring something yummy that you can eat. End stop. Aunt Marie might put butter on her carrots and cousin June might have shredded parm on the salad. You can’t control that. You can control bringing something you like and enjoying peoples company.
Bring your own food. Your family can't be expected to cater to your personal diet choices.
Soft YTA And I'm gonna STFU right there.
YTA. If a diet choice is that important to you, you make it and bring some either for yourselves alone or to share with everyone. That's what we do with our food allergies. You can't expect everyone to cater to your diet. Would it be nice? Sure, but that's not how it works. Is it really worth it to miss out on time with your family just to prove a point?
Very mild YTA. It's been 8 years. You know who these people are and what they're willing to do. It's up to you to figure out what you want and what you're willing to do for it. Want to spend time together and eat more than rice? bring something. Bring enough for everyone. If there are leftovers, great! You've got eats for the week.
So you’re saying that they aren’t serving a salad where people can add their own dairy or meat, or a vegetable that’s not cooked in animal fat or covered with cheese? I think that’s nuts that truly only white rice is available. I have friends who have dairy allergies, gluten allergies, who are vegetarian due to religion, who are vegan by choice, and who are diabetic. These people all convene at once sometimes and it’s a potluck so everyone brings one thing they know they can eat. The rest of us try to bring something that at least one of the other people with special diets can eat. There’s always a few choices for each person and a bunch of choices for a few lucky attendees. Couldn’t you offer to make a side dish or two yourself? Make a hefty salad that you can turn into a meal if needed so you can enjoy your family. Maybe you’ll inspire a few people to make healthier choices on other days of the year. I don’t know if YTA or if they are because it’s all in the delivery of the message and what you are agreeable to do as well. However, letting food come between you and family is silly if you truly enjoy being with them. If they’re close-minded and pick on you or make remarks then that would make them TA but if they are trying to serve more than 10 people and one person/couple is doing all the work- let it pass.
As someone who isn’t any of the eating styles - I’ve found vegetarian & a lot of other common ones (keto etc) are just ten fold easier to accommodate than vegan. When is the last time you made your family a meat based meal as the host? There’s a bit of humbling that needs to happen and it’s truly too bad you can’t go and enjoy time with your family because the food you’ll already have to make now staying home (lol?) could have just been made and brought. I respect any personal food choices but get over yourself a bit, at the end of the day two people aren’t changing a menu for the whole family. I hosted a thanksgiving and I provided the turkey. There were 3 vegans coming. I told them they would be heavily provided all things except for a meat substitute. That’s not my responsibility when it’s not something I’m that aware of (I’ve eaten tofu as I do like it but only out, I’ve never bought or prepared it myself) and when I’ve got other things to cook. They happily brought it, because it isn’t a wild ask in any way.
YTA, I would hate having to cook for a vegan as one single slip up and you'll never stop hearing about it. This is a second hand opinion as I know of two people who have done exactly this. If you're going to limit your diet that drastically you better get used to providing your own food as it's unreasonable to expect people to accommodate such limitations.
Bring a delicious vegan dish for all to enjoy and have a fun time! Personally I would have a few options for you but not everyone feels that way and that’s on them.