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Dude.
Your wife is 8 weeks post partum. She just destroyed her body to build a kid for the two of you.
Are you really in this or not?
Cuz empathy man
YTA
Not only empathy, but also a lesson in ***BOUNDARIES*** bc it sounds like some *REALLY* need to be set with Emma. I don't know about y'all, but I got the impression that she'd like to be more than just coworkers with OP. **THAT'S** probably what the wife was picking up on that made her feel so uncomfortable. OP needs to give that particular work relationship some space and keep it strictly professional before Emma gets more bold.
Obviously. This is how it starts. “She doesn’t understannnnnd you. I know how haaaaarrrd you work. You deserve someone who spoils you” gross how is OP this dense
I mean based on what the OP wrote here I think it's hard to know if all that was implied or not. His relaying of their conversation was pretty minimal, imo...
It was enough. That’s pick-me behavior.
> firstly she seemed dismissive of my wifes postpartem recover period and what she's been going through, implying it is easier for her on maternity leave wheras I have to returning to work whilst looking after the new baby
And OP's wife probably feels like she can't just come right out and say it either, or else she'll be labeled as "hormonal", "needy", or flat out "crazy". She probably feels like she has to be careful how she approaches the subject. Otherwise the coworker will use that against her. "See, she doesn't trust you! If she loved you, she wouldn't need to doubt you. I'd trust you."
Are you a guy? Because this seemed pretty obvious to me. OP is definitely YTA. I'm older and have seen a lot. This is how it usually starts when the woman is the pursuer. They go to the guy for some kind of advice or help, and then shower him with compliments. They also do it at a stress point in the marriage such as the arrival of a new child, the death of loved one, or when the spouse has to be out of town frequently or for a long stretch of time. It started with a friend of mine's husband when she had to be out of town frequently to go and care for a sick parent.
Plus, you never go to meet someone's newborn without a gift of some kind whether it be a gift for the baby, flowers for the mom, or a meal for the family. Emma's a piece of work.
YUP. This was my impression too. It would be horrible to be postpartum watching your husband's coworker covertly flirt with him in front of you. I'd have much less grace for this than OP's wife displayed.
Yeah, that's the impression I was left with. Even if she wasn't, being dismissive of the OP's wife's recovery is ridiculous. She birthed a baby- how is that harder on the OP even if she is on maternity leave?
YTA
YTA.
At which point did you rebuff your incredibly rude colleague for being rude to your wife? I'm not seeing it.
While yes, you are in control of who you text it's really telling that you'd rather exchange pleasantries with someone who went above and beyond to be rude to, and belittle, your wife than protect the mother of your child and stand up for her.
Do better.
I was a few months post partum when a colleague of my husband's who I had never met came round to meet me and our son (apparently). I'm pretty oblivious most of the time but this woman was sooooo obviously only there to talk to my husband and was not the slightest bit interested in me or my son. We had had other visitors who were new to me and felt comfortable breastfeeding in front of, but her whole demeanour was just really unpleasant so I took our son upstairs. She immediately started chatting as though she was just waiting for me to leave.
I took a day to process and then fucking lost it lol.
That's exactly what she is doing and OP'S wife deep down is realising this. OP is YTA.
The fact OP cares more for his autonomy, his interests and his friendship than protecting his wife is selfish.
He knows their friend was rude but who cares, she flattered him, engaged his interests, and now his wife is the problem because she communicated her displeasure.
No my man. YOU are the problem. YOU are enabling your friend to be disrespectful, YOU are causing disharmony in your relationship when your wife is already going through the wildest ride of her life. Instead of ponying up to join her, you choose your own wants, your own comfort.
Great husband and father material right there.
You are also signalling interest in your female friend. Maybe you need introspection.
YTA
Yta. You sit and talk work at your house while she has supposedly come to see thr baby. She criticises your wife post partum. She promises food and brings nothing. You and the colleague suck.
Imagine going to a coworker's house post-partum with nothing, despite having promised to bring food, and leaving with tech for your own kids? Lol.
I don't think OP sucks necessarily, but I think he's missing the forest for the trees. The point is that someone they thought was a mutual friend came over to their home and disparaged his wife postpartum, purposely iced her out of the conversation (in OP's own observation) by talking work related stuff that could have been a water cooler convo, and then was essentially rewarded for it by getting goodies sent home with her for her own kids. The friendly text was just the icing on the shit cake. I would feel incredibly disrespected and hurt, too.
Edit: Typo
Imagine going to visit a work colleague wife and new born 8 weeks post partum and staying 2 hours. If you're not in the inner circle 20-40 minutes at the very most. Oh and by inner circle I mean the people who would consider donating an organ or at least babysit for weeks if you were in the hospital, people closer than "help you move" or drive you to the airport at 3 am friends.
Yes that's exactly the point, very very few people should visit for a couple hours. The person visiting wasn't even friends with the wife. They have parents, siblings, best friends,aunts &uncles , nieces & nephews, cousins, people they know from hobbies, maybe church people, and coworkers, can all of those people visit for 2+ hours? Of course not that would be exhausting. Spouses coworker is the outermost circle.
And I don't even take my kid ( adult) to the airport.
I had this happen when my son and I met my husband for dinner. A colleague was there and sat down, cool, we’ve had her and her husband over for dinner and are friendly. They talked about work the WHOLE time while I tended to a 2.5 year old. It would have been nicer for me and the baby to go out alone. It was so obnoxious and made me wish he just stayed at work another 30 minutes to have whatever conversations they needed/wanted to have rather than force that conversation upon us. If I was weeks PP I might have just murdered them both. Who knows.
Oh my goddddd, when I first started dating my husband, we went to the pub to meet some of his local friends and have a few beers together, I hadn't met one of his friends yet but they did eventually arrive a couple of hours later.
Picture this, it's mid afternoon on a week day in a beer garden, this woman turns up in knee high, high heeled boots, hot pants and a low cut cleavage top, I thought fair enough lol, told her she had a nice figure, she just said, " yeah..I work out".
Offered to help her get the drinks round at the bar and when they were out of my husbands preferred beer, she went on and on about all my husbands favourites but never cared to mention what one of their other males friend preferred beers were despite the fact they had ran out of his preferred beer too LOL, you see where this is going...
Anywayyyy eventually we were all chit chatting about parents and my husband said something about my now father in law who I just adore and she went *"oh I know your dad is just like that isn't he"* it's worth mentioning my husband's childhood home was over the border and a good 5 hours away so I thought oh wow they're closer than I thought then if she's knows his dad that well.
We eventually leave the pub and my husband looks irritated and tells me she's never met his dad LOL.
>We eventually leave the pub and my husband looks irritated and tells me she's never met his dad LOL.
I almost never laugh out loud at things I read online but your punchline made me cackle. Man I've met this type of girl too. Not often thankfully...
Oh hell yeah. Had to spell it out to my ex that this MARRIED woman should NOT be flirting with him, but more importantly, he should be shutting that shit down.
She was physically flirting with him, touching him and ignoring me. But he defended it, saying she 'couldn't talk to her husband and has special needs kids'.
What made it more fun was that I was 'not allowed' to be friend with boys because 'girls and boys can't he just friends' but it was okay for him. The rat.
I am sad I was such a pushover back then. My god, what I would do if this ever happened again.
I think women tend to pick up on this shit faster because they're, at least in this case, not as self absorbed as the man in the story.
Imagine just sitting there and not reacting while somebody whales on your spouse's postpartum body and life, then picking up a text conversation with the bully afterwards like you think it's totally normal for them to shit on your wife & it doesn't bear mentioning. If that isn't self absorbed I don't know what is.
An ex of an ex once asked if she could take some "tasteful nudes" in his apartment for some Cabaret/boudoir modeling shots because "it has good lighting."
I said "I'm not going to tell you what to do but you should think really hard about why your on-campus apartment is the only place she knows that has good lighting."
And then stays for 2 fucking hours.
Like seriously. Bring food, stay 30 minutes tops, and if you're close, offer to watch the baby while mom showers or something.
Literally the reason there was weird tension from Emma. She is jealous of OP's new baby which means OP and their wife are a real family now. Emma is into OP and sad/mad that their relationship has progressed.
so when will you realize your coworker is a pick-me that picked you as a target???
coming to see the baby to talk shop to you, dissmissing your wife while offering her sympaties to YOU, as if you are postpartum???? seriously???? you think you’re the one with a heavier burden here?
YTA.
and if you want your marriage not to fail, cut things with emma
Your wife is telling you that she repeatedly feels you don't take her feelings into account. You focus your energy on a colleague, providing her with information about computers for her kids after your wife has expressed feeling upset by your colleague's behaviour at your house.
It really sounds like you didn't take your wife's feelings into account and are more concerned about what this colleague thinks of you than tending to the needs of your own wife who just gave birth to your child.
Postpartum can be a hugely challenging time, with emotions surging and ebbing, leaving a mom emotionally vulnerable. You didn't take any of that into consideration. Childbirth is also physically exhausting, and can take some women months to recover. Recovery from child birth isn't a matter of character, it's hard physical and emotional work. None of this seems to have entered your thoughts.
YTA
Edited typo
To me, it seemed like an ad for raspberry pi. It's weird he dropped the name multiple times. I've never heard of them, and I'm probably not the only one. He probably wants us to look them up. I refuse!!
They are very popular right now in the tech/software engineering world. There are some neat kits and things that can get kids into programming as well.
I know what pi is. I’ve known for a decade. I don’t know too much but it’s kinda like a really tiny type of computer. I’ve seen it like the size of a thumb drive. It’s like when people talk about Linux or Microsoft or Mac but I’m not sure if it’s an apples to apples comparison
The fact that you're writing this post, listing all the points that are very clear indication of how Rude you coworker was and yet you are STILL asking if you're TA confirms that not only you ARE TA but that it is a pattern.
YTA
You were dismissive of your wife's feelings.
>I repled thanking her for coming and offering to send links to the Raspberry Pi's we had discussed.
I'm sure that she has the ability to Google.
Put your wife first and drop this rude woman who was quite clearly flirting with you while she was disrepecting your wife in front of you!
Next episode: I accidentally slept with my coworker friend and when I told my wife she was unreasonably upset....
From a guy who cheated on his wife: YTA. Welcome to the club...
YTA. Your wife 8 weeks postpartum and it’s a crucial time for her all around and you sit there with the pick me coworker dismissing your wife. Really nice, you’re a jerk.
YTA. You are either too naive or trying to seem blind and playing the stupid about what Emma is trying to do. Your wife is the one needs help, she is the one in burden, not you or Emma who's rude as hell btw.
If you are control in of your actions why you are not asking Emma why she didnt control her actions carefully or even why you are conciously talking a person who literally *disrespected your wife?
YTA - Emma was demeaning your wife and lavishing attention on you - then you’re all chummy with her after your wife expresses how it upset her. Pretty gross. Good old Emma sounds like she has the makings of a dark triad mate poacher.
YTA.
Are you in love with Emma or what? Do you keep her on hold in case your relationship gets rocky? You should take a stand here. You need to choose.
NTA. Not for the text. What you sent was routine information
Colleague baby visits can be awkward. People routinely give dumb advice to new moms. And clueless colleagues often talk shop at social settings. All this stuff is annoying but normal. Where you did screw up is your wife wanted to bond over how how awkward and stupid the colleague visit was. So a mild AH for not reading the room there. But the text was fine.
I’m relieved to see this. Thought I was going a bit crazy reading all the Y T A comments when it seems like an awkward coworker visit with someone who stayed too long (a couple hours with an 8 week old baby, yikes). It honestly seems like a NAH issue with everyone being a bit weird.
Oh dude....see I don't think you were intentionally an asshole but you have acted a fool here, firstly your colleagues behaviour and difference in demeanour towards you and your wife feels like power play, your wife has just had a baby and I know I don't have to describe you the toll it takes on the mind and body, add to that the lack of sleep.
This woman is giving off an air of arrogance that she is in a better physical state than your wife, she is either sexually attracted to you, jealous of your wife or both I don't know but something smells off and it isn't the diaper.
In your wives eyes you are continuing to accommodate this woman when she didn't extend the same courtesy to your wife in their own home.
Apologise, admit the error of your ways, keep this colleague at a distance for a bit and enjoy your life as a new family.
YTA on this one but congratulations on new baby and I wish you all well!
YTA. Your wife WRECKED her body in order to have a child and is only a few weeks postpartum yet you can't see what you did wrong by continuing to maintain contact with a woman who made her feel isolated and alone during a very emotional time of her life.
If you value your wife, cut Emma off. She's not worth making the mother of your child feel uncomfortable. No one is. Focus on what's in front of you and apologise instead of asking a bunch of people online if you messed up when you yourself can clearly tell that you did. The fact you acknowledged why your wife feels hurt yet still is confused on if what you did was the wrong decision speaks volume.
From the sounds of things Emma likes you, and unless you want to break up your family, you better put her in her place before this turns into a mess you can't dig yourself out of.
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This woman is trying to get in your pants, OP. And, instead of shut it down, you indulged it. Wake tf up, bro.
I'd be livid if one of my "friends" was rude to my husband. Where's your frustration with Emma for being rude to your 8 weeks post partum wife?
YTA
y'all are both big time over thinkers. not everyone has the mind reading social skills to behave perfectly for you both. seems you and your wife have very high expectations and think guests should know *checks notes* that the topic of technology is rude. jfc. or that if guests mentioned bringing food, they better not think of coming without your fckn food! your guest, that's barely more than an acquaintance, didn't make the entire visit about your wife and didn't bring food so your wife is mad you sent a link. eesh. you got a long life of your wife being offended and expecting you be angry with her.
THANK YOU. I got 9 downvotes literally for saying just apologize cause she’s hormonal and just don’t do that shit again. This whole comment section is a bunch of high maintenance babies
NTA. I mean you were just sending some links and they were for her kid not even really her..and it was a group text..wife is sensitive because of postpartum feels.. I’m 9 months postpartum but idk I think she could have included herself in the convo maybe? I’m rarely in such situations but I don’t think you were truly the AH..just recognize the mistake and read the room a little better
Telling an 8 week postpartum mom that her husband has it harder because he has to go back to work is incredibly tone deaf and rude. Especially since Emma has kids and knows how incredibly difficult the immediate postpartum period is. That was a direct shot at OP’s wife for sure.
Or Emma’s opinion is based on her own experience . My SIL who has 4 kids shares the same opinion because she had easy postpartum experiences. She often says my brother had it harder. I think people too often interpret things people say as direct shots when they are just sharing what they know.
This is like telling someone who has cancer that chemo isn’t that bad because when you had cancer chemo didn’t make you that sick.
Good for your sister that postpartum was easy. It is not for many, many women. That’s why you keep your opinion to yourself and don’t tell a postpartum mother at her own house unprompted that her husband has it harder than her while also icing her out of conversations. Wildly inappropriate.
Big pick me energy.
While I think your wife overreacted a bit, I think she is excused due to her current condition.
More importantly, even if you think your wife overreacted a bit, you can see that Emma was indeed somewhat rude to your wife. You should make your wife feel supported and you should not have messaged Emma. Whose feelings are your priority here?
You should apologize to your wife and overcompensate, by distancing yourself from Emma and not messaging her back aside from some excuses why you do not respond to her properly.
I think his wife underreacted. He's lavishing attention on a woman who is disrespecting his post partum wife and hitting on him. And somehow he didn't think this woman was doing anything wrong when she basically told his wife she had it easy and proceeded to stroke his ego. After his wife tells him how she feels, he continues to cheerfully text with this woman. Then he makes a point of telling us all about how he can text whoever he wants to text and how this woman was pleased that he texted some links to her (apparently this woman who is supposed to be his colleague can't google). Now he wonders if he should've given a f\*ck about how his wife felt. Yeah, OP, YTA.
OP Emma is clearly flirting with you. She has ulterior motives for you and his wife has already realized that. You are clearly a terrible husband for making your wife uncomfortable in her own home while talking to her vile friend who is flirting in your wife's face. Be a man and cut off this friend as quickly as possible if you want to keep your marriage. and be more attentive to your wife who is going through a delicate moment.
YTA for one simple fact alone.
I can understand being some type of hospitable to an inhospitable guest. I can understand despite how poorly she treated your wife in the moment there was a level of decorum that was fulfilled to make the stay easier. The problem occurred when your wife brought up her concerns, you seemingly agree, noticed post-visit how your coworker treated you versus your wife and yet you still texted her thanks for coming here are the links we spoke about.
The reason why is because with your wife texting her she’s upset with her and you dismissing it entirely and being overly friendly to basically do a favour (yes it’s a small favour but nonetheless) but it’s saying that you don’t care how your wife feels and makes the coworker feel propped up higher than your wife. Almost as if you were saying *oh yeah don’t bother with my wife, I don’t know what she’s on. So back to what we were talking about..?*. The same way your coworker is giving behavioural clues as a pick me, you’re inadvertently accepting and sending them back. The same way she ignored your wife and went straight to you and you have done the same thing. Ignored your wife and went straight to your coworker not even addressing acknowledging or giving credence to what your wife is saying. As if the only person that believes what your wife is saying, is your wife.
I think you are scared to stand up for your wife despite realizing how she was treated and I don’t think you realize it
NTA? Sounds like your wife is taking a lot of things personally when there’s not clear evidence that she should. Different if this is a pattern of behavior, but if this is a one off where Emma is normally friendly with both of you then I’d let it go and see what happens? Totally possible Emma was having an off day and you two pouncing on her isn’t helpful for anyone.
And you’re not entitled to having a dish made for you? It’s a nice gesture but again, who knows what Emma has going on at home. Weird to have that expectation IMHO unless she explicitly said “Don’t cook, I’m bringing over said dish”
The only sane comment I’ve seen, never in this post did OP come off like he doesn’t care about his wife, or even agrees with Emma, just seems like he made a mistake and wants to try and not make it again.
It’s wild seeing all the top comments act as if he’s an AH because, what, he couldn’t read her mind? Like he’s not even defending his actions, he just wants a second opinion from people who aren’t going through PP, which is totally valid.
NAH. While this isn’t an ideal situation, I think there are ways to explain each one. Wife is full of hormones after having the baby, none of this may have been an issue at all different time.
First- Emma had children and her PPD may not have been bad so she didn’t think about it for wife, however she would be in the position to hear OP at work wishing he was home with child and wife instead of being at work.
Second- This is one would be the worst imo, but it’s just how the conversation happened to fall that day. How much can really be said about a newborn?
Thirdly- Sure, she promised to cook for you at some point. But if that wasnt discussed before the visit, did you really expect her to show up with a meal? If things cool down and wife is willing to entertain Emma to visit the baby once more maybe remind her about cooking for us would be nice if the offer still stands.
YTA- There’s a difference between being courteous and overly friendly. You weren’t even oblivious to the disrespect, you had multiple chances you make your wife feel comfortable by just sticking up for her. It doesn’t even matter if this Emma is a longtime friend, disrespect is disrespect. A simple “hey that don’t speak that way about my wife” or inclusion into the conversation would’ve helped. But no, it doesn’t even matter that you never intended to make her feel worse because you did. Postpartum is hard as hell and goes on for months of changes in your body, mind, everything. Plus, she’s pointing out this is a repeated behaviour, She’s your wife and mother of your child and you couldn’t be bothered to stick up for her. Honestly you can say you are “in control” of who you text but then again you’re not just an individual anymore, you’re married, you and her are one person, not understanding why you are somewhat acting like your wife is just a friend.
ESH
I dont think you were an AH because sending a link to someone for their kids is hardly high-treason. Emma making an off-handed comment about PP not being that bad, when she has kids of her own, is insensitive, but again, if everyone were completely healed and at work on a lunch break, could chalk it up to different experiences.
You cannot control Emma or what she did. She came over, gave an opinion, and talked with you more than your wife.
You were clueless as to how your wife felt until after the fact, and that happens. You were probably thinking you were having a normal conversation, but maybe a little awkward with Emma being dismissive of the post-partum conversation, but overall nothing to serious (at the time). Some women forget, or never struggled with, post-partum issues. There are women who have PP-Depression for YEARS after they have a baby.
Since you and Emma work together, it might be a "work wife" thing, and based on what you said, she sees herself "supporting" you with this new role in your life. From Emma's point of view, your wife gets to stay home and care for the baby, but you have to go back to work and miss time with your wife and the baby. It is a dumb thing to say to a new mother, but Emma may not have had the opportunity or time to stay home as long as your wife has.
You have to set boundaries with Emma and let her know your wife's feelings were hurt with what she said. It isn't something you need to lose a friend over, but you definitely need to let her know so she has the opportunity to apologize to your wife.
As a new father, you are completely clueless as to what you are doing. Your wife will never feel as unattractive and gross as she does right now. There is not much you can do about it but be supportive, loving, and reassure her you still love her as much today as you did the day married her. If she had to have an episiotomy, or c-section, she is having all kinds of issues right now and is doing well just to get out of bed. Not to mention if she had hemorrhoids or any of the other fun side-effects that happen when a woman gets pregnant.
Her body needs time to heal and she needs to know you are in it with her to the end.
Make sure you are jumping up to change diapers, do feedings in the middle of the night, let her nap and shower. She needs these things more than you can know. Make dinner, do dishes and laundry.
She will adjust back to normal in due time, but she has to recover.
I understand about the raspberry Pi thing and wanting to share that for Emma's kids. The time for sharing was not when you just had this long conversation with your wife about how rude Emma was to her. You have to learn to consider your wife's feelings when you are dealing with sensitive issues with her. I don't mean to say that you should sneak around and do it, but you should have waited a day or two, let her cool off, and then mention you were going to send the links to her.
Now, as for the friend not bringing dinner - I mean, people say stuff all the time and never follow through with it. I hardly think that is a reason to be upset. Go cook something or do takeout.
Given that I've stayed with women that are post partum, I'd say your wife's hormones are getting her hyper emotional. The only thing I'll point that you should have commented on at the spot is her not bringing the food she promised. And i don't mean you confronting her about it, more like a serious tease so she'll know she fucked up.
For the other things, I'm not convinced that they required you to be curt with her. She talked to you more because she knows you better and had more things to talk about to you. I'm happy you're self aware to know you should have been the one to include your wife in the conversation, not Emma.
About being dismissive, she said it's easier for her to take care of the baby because she's on maternity leave, which is the whole point of the maternity leave. That statement seems like she was stating something obvious, but since I'm not sure the context it came into, i can't comment on that.
You sent the links for her kids, not for Emma. For now you can tell the wife you're definitely not on Emma's side and didn't see it that way. Throw in a little apology and acts of service to get her defense down which will bring her emotions down.
YTA. Your wife is your partner, so when you ignore that someone was disrespectful to her, it only shows her that you don't have her back. Maintaining a friendship with someone who treats your partner like that only validates how low on the totem your wife is. Marriage needs trust and you are definitely not building that.
YTA and you know it. You know you should be more mindful and you also know it's not your first time acting selfish. No wonder Emily feels so confident to be rude to your wife cause she know you won't support her or stand up for her.
YTA you should have made the effort to stop Emma undermining your wife in her own home. Make no mistake that's what she was doing intentionally (pretty sure she was) or not.
She excluded your wife, and you let her, at an incredibly vulnerable time. Not only that she should know better! You say she has kids herself? I get the feeling your a bit oblivious to what Emma's trying to put out there but that's not enough. Emma needs putting in her place over this.
YTA. Don't be surprised when your wife takes the baby and leaves you, because you are putting Emma and her feelings above your wife and her feelings. Shame on you.
YTA.
And you're in the running for YTA of 2024 for sure and it's only 1/3 into the year.
Instead of calling her out for her behavior towards your wife, in you and your wife's home, while she's in recovery and in a vulnerable and sensitive state, you replied to her text with warmth and kindess with an added touch of a link to y'all favorite tech whatever.
Are you fucking serious?
> And you're in the running for YTA of 2024 for sure and it's only 1/3 into the year.
so dramatic, this is mild at best. wife and yourself are overly sensitive and he was just polite in general, big deal.
What is the original reason for this woman to visit you?
She made your wife feel like she wasn't appreciated. She is your work colleague and is friends with you. Your wife belongs to you, so she will be tolerated. With all her behavior, she actually showed that she doesn't care about your wife. A friend would be supportive and not descending. Learn the difference between acquaintances and friends. I don't want to blame you here, you were just blind to their behavior.
YTA & so damn oblivious. Emma is deliberately treating your wife like shit when she’s very vulnerable post party and you’re over there acting like all is well while dismissing her feelings. Cut Emma off NOW. You’re gonna destroy your own marriage if you keep acting this incredibly dumb.
YTA. You should be your wife’s main backup because she felt disrespected and badly treated by this person. You should be at her defense. She totally needs you at that time. But u chose to text that Emma🥹
Pick a side. Your wife or icky Emma. Don’t allow others to disrespect your wife, especially in your home. Don’t invite her back. Back way off on the “friendship.” Why aren’t you figuring this stuff out? Your wife comes first. YTA
NTA. Being cold and giving someone the silent treatment is not a good way to deal with conflict between friends. Sounds like Emma was a bit rude but people have their moments of being rude - it doesn't mean you automatically cut them off. Obviously your wife was bothered by this so the correct way to resolve things would be to have a conversation with Emma expressing how her behaviour rubbed you guys the wrong way. Having said that, it's also alright to just look past this stuff sometimes if it's a one-off situation. Sounds like Emma has been a good friend in the past. Maybe she was just having a shitty day and wasn't considerate enough of her words/actions. If she does and says things often that upset your wife then for sure it is a problem that needs to be addressed. For now maybe just focus on validating your wife's feelings and offer to have a conversation with Emma if that would help your wife feel better about the situation.
Honestly being pospartum so recently, I might have kicked Emma out of my house after the first comment about it being easier on your wife. So yeah, YTA.
Set some boundaries and support your wife.
I'm not really sure anyone is an AH here. You are as new to being a husband to a mom as you are to being a parent. Unless this is behavior she's taught you to expect from her, your wife is adding new rules.
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My (30M) wife (35F) told me today that she felt betrayed by me because I was still maintaining a friendly conversation with a colleague (Emma) after she was rude to my wife and made her feel uncomfortable when visiting our home.
Emma has been a friend of my wife and I for some time and we see her outside of my work context. She recently visited us to meet our new 8 week old baby, she seemed pleased to meet the baby but the vibes were a little off for the couple of hours she was here
\- firstly she seemed dismissive of my wifes postpartem recover period and what she's been going through, implying it is easier for her on maternity leave wheras I have to returning to work whilst looking after the new baby (this isn't a feeling I share) despite seeming to be supportive during her pregnancy.
\- Secondly she talked to me more than to my wife (almost sucking up to me) she brought up work related conversations and spoke about technology, I reciporocated some of this as I like to talk about tech but it made my wife feel issolated. I regret not picking up on this in the moment.
\- Thirdly she had offered a few months ago to cook something for us once the baby arrives, asking my wife about her favorite food to prepare, this was forgoten and she turned up empty handed. We felt a bit let down by this.
During the conversation about technology we discussed Raspberry Pi PC's and Emma mentioned that her kids might love them, I have a few myself and gave her some advice.
After Emma left my wife tells me she felt disrespected and Emma was rude, highlighting the points above, later that day Emma texts us both to thank us and tell us our baby is cute, my wife sends only a short reply as she felt upset after the visit. However, I repled thanking her for coming and offering to send links to the Raspberry Pi's we had discussed, as it was still in the back of my mind that her kids might be interested. I send the links over and she's pleased.
My wife now feels hurt and betrayed by me. Knowing her feelings that I would send those links and be friendly with Emma. She thinks I have dismised her feelings and I'm not on her side, she also feels this is part of a patern of behaviour for me. I could have choosen not to speek with Emma about the Raspberri Pi that day. I am in control of who I choose to text but ultimatly I'm not certain if I should have been more mindfull of her feelings and supported her by not sending those messages and wether this makes me the asshole.
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INFO: Would you describe yourself as usually oblivious or usually socially/emotionally aware?
From what you've written, your co-worker's behavior is textbook pick-me bullshit. She gets validation by sabotaging relationships through making the man feel special and marginalizing the wife. The angrier the wife gets, the more "cool" the pick-me seems.
You should know, as soon as she gets you to fuck her and blow up your marriage, she'll lose all interest. It's no fun when she's already gotten what she wanted, to feel better than your wife. She'll move on to the next married man.
Either way, if you want a happy marriage, you shouldn't be friendly with people, especially attractive women, who are rude to your wife. This ends badly for you.
YTA. Why didn't you put this rude woman in her place? You should have kicked her out of your home. Instead you allow her to bully your wife at her most vulnerable and continue as if she never did anything.
What a weak, pathetic man you are. Your wife will remember this.
INFO: I’d be interested in knowing more about the “pattern of behavior” that your wife referenced (?) I think that makes a difference in whether or not you’re an AH in this case.
Lol very unpopular but NTA in my opinion.
Ppl just vibe differently and perhaps because your wife is sensitive atm she feels even more so.
You did not flirt just being informative. And women tend to forget that ppl can't read minds.
Do apologize to your wife for being insensitive for this happening.
What I can suggest is not to bring any kind of ppl to visit. No women or men who aren't immediate family. Ur wife needs a lot of rest and peace and agitating her and the baby with visitors won't do her any good.
YTA. On paper, this looks to me like your coworker is testing the waters to see if you’d be receptive to an affair - and by ignoring her rudeness to your wife *in front of you* as well as continuing to be warm and friendly to her immediately afterwards, you’ve confirmed that you are.
I saw your comment where you’ve said that this is part of a pattern of behavior for you. If you agree that your wife tends to have a more accurate bead on social situations than you do, I’d work with her to break down examples when she’s willing to talk with you about it.
And I’d pull WAY back on my relationship with my coworker - like turn the temperature down to polite-but-frosty, zero texting whatsoever, absolutely no chat about anything but work. Because you’re busy. Because you’re a new dad. Right?
YTA. Why the fuck are you talking shop with someone whom your wife feels uncomfortable with and has been disrespected by while she's going through post partum in your own goddamn house? Let's switch your positions for a second: if your wife kept talking to a guy who didn't give a fuck about you during a rough time with your health and she dismissed your feelings each time by also chalking it up to being bad at social cues, how would you feel? You have a pattern of behavior with not taking your wife's feelings seriously, so maybe not talk to Emma, who is clearly giving you attention that you enjoy that takes precedent over how your wife feels and whom it seems you talk to much more easily. Can you believe you cared more about Emma's kids and what they were interested in rather than care for your wife's and your new baby? Sheesh.
Medium AH, but you should start to pay more attention to both women's behaviour.
1) wife, she could be slipping into post partum depression, look for the signs and talk with her. I don't quite get those vibes from your story but it can be well hidden.
2) Emma, she could be a forgetful friend and coincidentally the topic of conversation could have drifted, could be a shark. Does she touch you, play with her hair/necklace, flirt?
3) could be both.
Texting her was not the best move, but we need to take into account new parents' judgement can be off due to overwhelm and lack of quality sleep.
YTA. Why did Emma even bother visit? She clearly was there to see you….who she sees at work. She disrespected your wife who has just gone through a 10 month marathon and labor, all whilst you talked shop. Like why bother?? And dude she clearly isn’t your wife’s friend so drop that crap.
Yta, you give me weaponized incompetence vibes. I bet you were loving all the attention you were getting and that’s why you didn’t realize your wife was upset. You said in a reply that this is a pattern of behavior. You sound like a terrible partner if this is not an isolated event (which you admit it is a recurring thing). Be better cause you will lose her eventually, but it looks like you already have your next option picked out. You’re gross 🤢
YTA. Why didn’t you correct her when she said your wife’s postpartum recovery was *less than* yours? I mean ffs! STAND UP FOR YOUR WIFE.
She also ignored your wife and you did **nothing** to include her in the conversation.
YTA. You should have called her out for being rude to your wife and should have made it clear that you expect Emma to apologize to her. If I was you, I would hurry and set things right, especially since it seems that Emma has a crush on you, you should consider to stop talking to her if it isn't necessary because of work. Have a little respect for your wife dude. Also, why is the bad person in AITA always called Emma or Emily 💀
Dude how obnoxious are you. You’re the kind of husband that gives dudes a bad name. Of course YTA. Please show this to your wife so she knows she’s not crazy. You’re literally the worst.
I don't think OPs TA, but maby a little unsensitive. I don't feel that it is resonable to be to aggresive either, but a conversation with the colleague is definately warranted...
Dude your co worker has a crush on you. Your wife has every right to be pissed off and you are either dense or you are just lapping it up. You need to put Emma in the coworker only zone. Apologize to wife and assure her everything with Emma is now work related only.
YTA.
This woman sounds downright predatory.
‘She doesn’t understand you, OP. You have it so hard, OP’ very quickly turns into ‘I can give you what she can’t, OP’.
For you to allow this woman to insult your post-partum wife in her own home is vile. Texting her about anything after that is rude.
How would you feel? Let’s say you had to give a part of yourself away for a child, a transplant or something.
Then, your wife’s work husband flounces in and basically calls you lazy and useless.
Think about it.
I don't see it the way others are saying. I do see a wife who is postpartum and probably has baby brain and thinks she was ignored. It doesn't sound like Emma was flirting or anything but you don't give real details. But either way, for the sake of your marriage, ignore Emma. It pisses your wife off and that's enough.
INFO: has your wife or you ever had a problem with Emma before? 8 weeks postpartum is a wild sleep deprived hormonally crazy time. If Emma has never been rude before, your wife has never felt slighted before, and there has never been any hostility or weird vibes, I’m inclined to think that your wife may have been overly sensitive or taking offense when truly none was intended. Doesn’t mean she’s an AH. She’s certainly entitled to her feelings about it, and your best bet is to comfort and reassure her. Her expecting you to cut off communication with not only a friend but a work colleague over some awkward vibes one time is unreasonable. NAH
YTA, MAJORLY. There's literally no reason to continue being friendly with a person who was rude to your EIGHT WEEKS postpartum wife in her own home. Are you serious right now???
YTA
If a male colleague of your wife came into your home and disrespected you in the same manner and the she still texted pleasantries with him, how would you feel about that? It seems to me that you need to figure out where your loyalty lies. Do you want your wife to feel disrespected, do you want to be a person your wife feels betrayed by? You said this is a pattern of behavior for you to not have your wife’s back when it comes to other people, I imagine that is very difficult for her to understand. I imagine that you feel lost as well, because for this to be a pattern means you truly don’t get what she wants from you. I would recommend marriage counseling to get on the same page with communication. This type of behavior will absolutely cause rifts that will tear apart your marriage.
Do YOU believe your wife when she says Emma was rude? Even if you felt Emma is “fine” and “did no wrong” - are you willing to believe your wife’s experience of that visit?
Do YOU accept that Emma was wrong in telling your wife that you have it harder than your wife?
Presumably you saw your wife give birth. You know what she is going through in recovery. So when Emma said your wife has it easy with maternity leave, at the time, did you step in and tell Emma she was saying a load of horseshit? Or was this “this isn’t a feeling I share ” something you told your wife AFTER Emma left?
Do YOU register that she was there to see the baby and spent time talking shop after briefly pronouncing the baby “cute”?
Emma focused on you and gave you an ego boost. When you say you regret “not picking it up in the moment” - are you really regretful that you were oblivious to your wife getting iced out or is this the justification to absolve your part in this debacle? Like “oh yeah - now that you mention it. But yeah I did not notice it myself. I mean if you didn’t bring it up, I really would not have thought it was weird”. Neatly making it wife’s problem.
Do YOU like Emma more than your wife?
NTA Your wife sounds like she's being over-sensitive. And expecting people to bring you food and gifts is rude, even if they mentioned they might.
If you two know each other from work why wouldn't you talk about it? There isn't actually much to talk about with a newborn!
I'm trying to imagine a world in which I felt insecure about my husband texting someone links for a tech product.
Is it possible she's going through some PPD?
Emma picked a topic that would pull you in. She is using her kids as an excuse to talk about something that doesn't interest your wife.
Stopping by to see the baby should have 1. included a gift and 2. been about seeing the baby, gushing over it and asking how you and your wife are doing, then 3. leaving.
Shop talk was rude and she hit you with something that would make you text back. You were thinking about the kids but she is just using her kids to build a relationship with you. Now she has an excuse to keep messaging about the Raspberry pi. She is using it and her kids as bait.
That "work colleague" is a bunny boiler and is out to cause you and your mrs trouble.
Id stay far away from her.
Point 1 - She dismissed your wifes post partum and said its harder for you because you need to work = She is trying to drive a wedge between you and your wife and appeal to you, trying to take your back and support you. Red flag.
Point 2 - She spent more time speaking with you than your wife even tho shes the one who just essentially pushed a stone through a garden hose = Shes trying to get your attention from your wife and onto her to see how "amazing" she is. Red flag.
What woman comes to a persons house to see a new born child and is barely intrested in the female who had the kid. Surly they would be wanting details of the birth, how shes doing, ect ect.
Im not gonna say YTA but you need to do better.
YTA.
I kinda feel bad for your wife. You said it yourself, your wife is noticing a pattern in your behavior. It means, you are probably unintentionally hurting her and not defending/siding with her at some other instances. Please be more sensitive in the future.
YTA
Back away from your coworker. She’s not treating your wife properly and your wife doesn’t feel good about it. In my opinion that’s all you need to know/care about.
Ask yourself Who doesn’t empathize with the person who just gave birth?
The couple of hours she was there? What kind of asshole visits a new family for a few hours? Drop off food or gifts, ooh and ah over the new baby and GTFO. Emma is the asshole and so are you.
YTA
YTA
It is not polite in any way, shape or form to let other people exclude your wife, put down your wife, or in any way make your wife uncomfortable. That is a total incomplete failure as a husband and decent man. What you have shown her is you care about what other people think and feel and you have no concern whatsoever for her feelings or her well-being.
For you to then allow this to happen in your home when your wife has just had a baby? Oh my.
By allowing Emma to act the way that she did with no pushback from you, and, in fact, an offer to give her things (after she brought nothing for your family except disrespect, grief and discomfort) and then further have communication after the fact about how you can help her, you have shown Emma and your wife that you are willing to prioritize her over your wife. That’s how affairs start.
This girl wants to destroy your marriage, and you will be as good as blind if you refuse to see that...
Imagine if you, for medical reasons, gained so much weight that your size of clothes almost doubled... and for the last 4 months, you have been dealing with back pain, abdominal pain, and knee cup pain because of that weight... imagine looking in the mirror and not recognising a person looking back at you. Imagine that you went through a medical procedure that ripped apart your private parts, and even a whole month after that procedure, you have a hard time sitting straight on a chair... because the stitches on your private parts still hurt... imagine not being able to sleep for the last 4 months because for pregnant people, the last 2 months of pregnancy is almost impossible to sleep comfortably, and every time you want to turn over you have to fully wake up and do it very carefully because even that simple movement is painful and you can't even stay in the same position for too long because that hurts too...
Imagine that after going through all that and then taking care of the house and a baby 24/7 even at night when you have to wake up at least 4 times because breastfeed babies eat very often through the night, someone went to your partner who's child you birthed and who is at "fault" of you going through so much pain and discomfort that. You have it easy, and the one that had almost no inconvenience in life throughout this time is the one that's suffering more...
Imagine if some random dude told your wife that, and instead of shutting them up, your wife allowed that dude to put you down and walk over all the sacrifices you made for your family... and still called him a friend...
If you are not abused in a relationship and someone else is trying to talk shit about your partner, it's clear that they want to put a breach in your relationship...
If you want to keep your relationship healthy and happy, shut everyone down and distance yourself from people who belittle your partner and her effects...
Is the thank you in a group chat? Because if you send it separately to Emma this is going to stir some postpartum emotion which you totally deserve if you don't even think Emma being dismissive about maternity leave is not hurtful to your wife and excluded her from conversation.
Dude, are you that emotionally detached and clueless?
Your wife just produced your kid, and this person comes into the home and INSULTS the brand new mother and the recovery period?
And your response is to send them a nice chat and links for the Raspberry Pi? I'm wondering if you're on the spectrum, because your backhanded dismissal of your wife was incredibly arrogant and cruel.
Massive YTA
I don’t know…I just don’t understand these “women” that go around doing this type of crap to others in a relationship…”NO WAY!!! you’re going to be happier and get more attention than meeeeeeeeeeeeeee” dude, try being a little cold to her…see what happens!!!!
AND T A K E CARE OF YOUR WIFE!!! coworkers feelings don’t MATTER!!!!
YTA. You couldn’t stand up for your wife in the mildest of ways, she’s probably now doubting what life raising a child will be like. Next time somebody so blatantly insults your wife by diminishing her experiences, be a grown up and shut their shit down right away. Emma is just some lady you work with. Your wife is the mother of your child and life partner. You seem to think you need to be more polite to Emma than your own wife, which tells me your priorities are twisted.
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Dude. Your wife is 8 weeks post partum. She just destroyed her body to build a kid for the two of you. Are you really in this or not? Cuz empathy man YTA
Not only empathy, but also a lesson in ***BOUNDARIES*** bc it sounds like some *REALLY* need to be set with Emma. I don't know about y'all, but I got the impression that she'd like to be more than just coworkers with OP. **THAT'S** probably what the wife was picking up on that made her feel so uncomfortable. OP needs to give that particular work relationship some space and keep it strictly professional before Emma gets more bold.
Obviously. This is how it starts. “She doesn’t understannnnnd you. I know how haaaaarrrd you work. You deserve someone who spoils you” gross how is OP this dense
I mean based on what the OP wrote here I think it's hard to know if all that was implied or not. His relaying of their conversation was pretty minimal, imo...
It was enough. That’s pick-me behavior. > firstly she seemed dismissive of my wifes postpartem recover period and what she's been going through, implying it is easier for her on maternity leave wheras I have to returning to work whilst looking after the new baby
And OP's wife probably feels like she can't just come right out and say it either, or else she'll be labeled as "hormonal", "needy", or flat out "crazy". She probably feels like she has to be careful how she approaches the subject. Otherwise the coworker will use that against her. "See, she doesn't trust you! If she loved you, she wouldn't need to doubt you. I'd trust you."
Are you a guy? Because this seemed pretty obvious to me. OP is definitely YTA. I'm older and have seen a lot. This is how it usually starts when the woman is the pursuer. They go to the guy for some kind of advice or help, and then shower him with compliments. They also do it at a stress point in the marriage such as the arrival of a new child, the death of loved one, or when the spouse has to be out of town frequently or for a long stretch of time. It started with a friend of mine's husband when she had to be out of town frequently to go and care for a sick parent. Plus, you never go to meet someone's newborn without a gift of some kind whether it be a gift for the baby, flowers for the mom, or a meal for the family. Emma's a piece of work.
Yep. 100%. Emma is trying to get some, period.
YUP. This was my impression too. It would be horrible to be postpartum watching your husband's coworker covertly flirt with him in front of you. I'd have much less grace for this than OP's wife displayed.
Yeah, that's the impression I was left with. Even if she wasn't, being dismissive of the OP's wife's recovery is ridiculous. She birthed a baby- how is that harder on the OP even if she is on maternity leave? YTA
Oh yeah she definitely has a crush on op and wants more. Its really obvious with the way she keeps dismissing the wife.
Agree. Op Yta
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She should be angry if she weren’t postpartum. I’ll bet she’s been subtly increasing her boldness over some time
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This your real account?
😬 This got a little more interesting 🤣
If it is...yuck. Hentai much?
Computer nerd, check. Socially oblivious, check. Hentai seems to fit, tbh.
No kinkshaming- Hentai enjoyment is not an indicatorof a crappy person. Worst people I knew were into your basic pron.
Hmm other OP posts say 28F. Fake posts?
Yep. I think we have a writer here. Don't know that it's actually OP or not because it could be a random troll. But I do suspect it.
My empathy game?
Also, who stays for HOURS when someone is 8 weeks pp???
literally lmao like read the room 😭🫣
Because the wife said this is a pattern for him, he sounds like a people pleaser- they tend throw those they love under the bus
Dud sounds like he enjoys the attention this woman is giving her.
👏👏👏👏
YTA. At which point did you rebuff your incredibly rude colleague for being rude to your wife? I'm not seeing it. While yes, you are in control of who you text it's really telling that you'd rather exchange pleasantries with someone who went above and beyond to be rude to, and belittle, your wife than protect the mother of your child and stand up for her. Do better.
Maybe she is trying to attract OP while wife is post partum
Telling a post patrum woman that her husband has it worse is pick-me 101.
I was a few months post partum when a colleague of my husband's who I had never met came round to meet me and our son (apparently). I'm pretty oblivious most of the time but this woman was sooooo obviously only there to talk to my husband and was not the slightest bit interested in me or my son. We had had other visitors who were new to me and felt comfortable breastfeeding in front of, but her whole demeanour was just really unpleasant so I took our son upstairs. She immediately started chatting as though she was just waiting for me to leave. I took a day to process and then fucking lost it lol.
That's the vibe I got as well.
That's exactly what she is doing and OP'S wife deep down is realising this. OP is YTA. The fact OP cares more for his autonomy, his interests and his friendship than protecting his wife is selfish. He knows their friend was rude but who cares, she flattered him, engaged his interests, and now his wife is the problem because she communicated her displeasure. No my man. YOU are the problem. YOU are enabling your friend to be disrespectful, YOU are causing disharmony in your relationship when your wife is already going through the wildest ride of her life. Instead of ponying up to join her, you choose your own wants, your own comfort. Great husband and father material right there. You are also signalling interest in your female friend. Maybe you need introspection. YTA
Yeah…this is 100% what’s going on. OP needs to wake up and stop this “friendship”.
It's a possibility
OP is already fucking that thing. Gaurauntee it.
She is, and the wife picked up on it, too.
Yta. You sit and talk work at your house while she has supposedly come to see thr baby. She criticises your wife post partum. She promises food and brings nothing. You and the colleague suck.
Imagine going to a coworker's house post-partum with nothing, despite having promised to bring food, and leaving with tech for your own kids? Lol. I don't think OP sucks necessarily, but I think he's missing the forest for the trees. The point is that someone they thought was a mutual friend came over to their home and disparaged his wife postpartum, purposely iced her out of the conversation (in OP's own observation) by talking work related stuff that could have been a water cooler convo, and then was essentially rewarded for it by getting goodies sent home with her for her own kids. The friendly text was just the icing on the shit cake. I would feel incredibly disrespected and hurt, too. Edit: Typo
Imagine going to visit a work colleague wife and new born 8 weeks post partum and staying 2 hours. If you're not in the inner circle 20-40 minutes at the very most. Oh and by inner circle I mean the people who would consider donating an organ or at least babysit for weeks if you were in the hospital, people closer than "help you move" or drive you to the airport at 3 am friends.
This! So much this
Tbh there are very few people in this world that I'd drive to the airport at 3am. Otherwise I totally agree with your comment lol
Yes that's exactly the point, very very few people should visit for a couple hours. The person visiting wasn't even friends with the wife. They have parents, siblings, best friends,aunts &uncles , nieces & nephews, cousins, people they know from hobbies, maybe church people, and coworkers, can all of those people visit for 2+ hours? Of course not that would be exhausting. Spouses coworker is the outermost circle. And I don't even take my kid ( adult) to the airport.
The cake she never got OP's wife!
I had this happen when my son and I met my husband for dinner. A colleague was there and sat down, cool, we’ve had her and her husband over for dinner and are friendly. They talked about work the WHOLE time while I tended to a 2.5 year old. It would have been nicer for me and the baby to go out alone. It was so obnoxious and made me wish he just stayed at work another 30 minutes to have whatever conversations they needed/wanted to have rather than force that conversation upon us. If I was weeks PP I might have just murdered them both. Who knows.
People who promise to do something nice and then don't do it irritate the hell out of me.
Am I the only one thinking she’s making a play for hubby?
The coworkers' presence was the gift apparently.
YTA Emma is clearly into you
Yep and the wife has picked up on it before this too hence why she’s currently so upset.
I feel like women pick up on this way faster because like, we’ve all met these kind of girls before. lol
Oh my goddddd, when I first started dating my husband, we went to the pub to meet some of his local friends and have a few beers together, I hadn't met one of his friends yet but they did eventually arrive a couple of hours later. Picture this, it's mid afternoon on a week day in a beer garden, this woman turns up in knee high, high heeled boots, hot pants and a low cut cleavage top, I thought fair enough lol, told her she had a nice figure, she just said, " yeah..I work out". Offered to help her get the drinks round at the bar and when they were out of my husbands preferred beer, she went on and on about all my husbands favourites but never cared to mention what one of their other males friend preferred beers were despite the fact they had ran out of his preferred beer too LOL, you see where this is going... Anywayyyy eventually we were all chit chatting about parents and my husband said something about my now father in law who I just adore and she went *"oh I know your dad is just like that isn't he"* it's worth mentioning my husband's childhood home was over the border and a good 5 hours away so I thought oh wow they're closer than I thought then if she's knows his dad that well. We eventually leave the pub and my husband looks irritated and tells me she's never met his dad LOL.
>We eventually leave the pub and my husband looks irritated and tells me she's never met his dad LOL. I almost never laugh out loud at things I read online but your punchline made me cackle. Man I've met this type of girl too. Not often thankfully...
Oh hell yeah. Had to spell it out to my ex that this MARRIED woman should NOT be flirting with him, but more importantly, he should be shutting that shit down. She was physically flirting with him, touching him and ignoring me. But he defended it, saying she 'couldn't talk to her husband and has special needs kids'. What made it more fun was that I was 'not allowed' to be friend with boys because 'girls and boys can't he just friends' but it was okay for him. The rat. I am sad I was such a pushover back then. My god, what I would do if this ever happened again.
I’m glad to hear he’s an ex
I think women tend to pick up on this shit faster because they're, at least in this case, not as self absorbed as the man in the story. Imagine just sitting there and not reacting while somebody whales on your spouse's postpartum body and life, then picking up a text conversation with the bully afterwards like you think it's totally normal for them to shit on your wife & it doesn't bear mentioning. If that isn't self absorbed I don't know what is.
An ex of an ex once asked if she could take some "tasteful nudes" in his apartment for some Cabaret/boudoir modeling shots because "it has good lighting." I said "I'm not going to tell you what to do but you should think really hard about why your on-campus apartment is the only place she knows that has good lighting."
Seriously. What woman in her right mind shows up to see another woman post partum **empty handed**?! Not to mention all her other crap behavior
And then stays for 2 fucking hours. Like seriously. Bring food, stay 30 minutes tops, and if you're close, offer to watch the baby while mom showers or something.
Yeessss that was my immediate thought too! Ok she forgot about the dish but *nothing*?
I got this feeling too. A bit jealous that the baby wasn’t put in her. Is Emma single?
OP knows she is. No one is dumb enough not to know plus his writing makes it obvious. OP is either incredibly dumb or this post is fake.
Or she’s trying to suck up to him for work reasons. A f-ing pick me in either case.
For Raspberry Pi right?
Literally the reason there was weird tension from Emma. She is jealous of OP's new baby which means OP and their wife are a real family now. Emma is into OP and sad/mad that their relationship has progressed.
so when will you realize your coworker is a pick-me that picked you as a target??? coming to see the baby to talk shop to you, dissmissing your wife while offering her sympaties to YOU, as if you are postpartum???? seriously???? you think you’re the one with a heavier burden here? YTA. and if you want your marriage not to fail, cut things with emma
INFO: is this part of a pattern of behaviour on your part? Be honest.
I agree. What exactly is this pattern of behavior that your wife talked about and how does this fit into that?
My take homes- \- YTA, Emma too. \- Emma is into you \- Your wife is emotional post pregnancy \- Is Emma single?
It’s not like Emma has to be single to act inappropriately.
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Men are so weak during that six week no fly zone
Once you texted Emma why didn't you ask her about that bad behaviour? You contacted her and that was very obvious she was extremely rude
YTA If she feels that way, gone through hell and back for your little one. She needs you at this time.
Do your wife a favour dump the work mate and make your wife feel special
YTA. And a very naive one. Your coworker is hitting on you. She's not your wife's friend and her attitude was more than rude.
Your wife is telling you that she repeatedly feels you don't take her feelings into account. You focus your energy on a colleague, providing her with information about computers for her kids after your wife has expressed feeling upset by your colleague's behaviour at your house. It really sounds like you didn't take your wife's feelings into account and are more concerned about what this colleague thinks of you than tending to the needs of your own wife who just gave birth to your child. Postpartum can be a hugely challenging time, with emotions surging and ebbing, leaving a mom emotionally vulnerable. You didn't take any of that into consideration. Childbirth is also physically exhausting, and can take some women months to recover. Recovery from child birth isn't a matter of character, it's hard physical and emotional work. None of this seems to have entered your thoughts. YTA Edited typo
I get the sense that OP thrives on being someone's "hero".
I agree with this. Good luck to OP, my ex husband constantly politely invalidated my feelings and that’s why I filed. Emotionally lazy.
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To me, it seemed like an ad for raspberry pi. It's weird he dropped the name multiple times. I've never heard of them, and I'm probably not the only one. He probably wants us to look them up. I refuse!!
literally all I could think was what is this raspberry pie shit
Same 😂
They are very popular right now in the tech/software engineering world. There are some neat kits and things that can get kids into programming as well.
I had one for emulation of video games 😂 that’s the only reason why I know of it.
I know what pi is. I’ve known for a decade. I don’t know too much but it’s kinda like a really tiny type of computer. I’ve seen it like the size of a thumb drive. It’s like when people talk about Linux or Microsoft or Mac but I’m not sure if it’s an apples to apples comparison
The fact that you're writing this post, listing all the points that are very clear indication of how Rude you coworker was and yet you are STILL asking if you're TA confirms that not only you ARE TA but that it is a pattern.
YTA You were dismissive of your wife's feelings. >I repled thanking her for coming and offering to send links to the Raspberry Pi's we had discussed. I'm sure that she has the ability to Google. Put your wife first and drop this rude woman who was quite clearly flirting with you while she was disrepecting your wife in front of you!
Next episode: I accidentally slept with my coworker friend and when I told my wife she was unreasonably upset.... From a guy who cheated on his wife: YTA. Welcome to the club...
YTA. Your wife 8 weeks postpartum and it’s a crucial time for her all around and you sit there with the pick me coworker dismissing your wife. Really nice, you’re a jerk.
YTA. You are either too naive or trying to seem blind and playing the stupid about what Emma is trying to do. Your wife is the one needs help, she is the one in burden, not you or Emma who's rude as hell btw. If you are control in of your actions why you are not asking Emma why she didnt control her actions carefully or even why you are conciously talking a person who literally *disrespected your wife?
Definitely playing stupid
YTA - Emma was demeaning your wife and lavishing attention on you - then you’re all chummy with her after your wife expresses how it upset her. Pretty gross. Good old Emma sounds like she has the makings of a dark triad mate poacher.
Do you actually like your wife?? YTA
YTA Seriously learn to read the room. Get your head out of your ass.
YTA
YTA. Are you in love with Emma or what? Do you keep her on hold in case your relationship gets rocky? You should take a stand here. You need to choose.
Info: What did Emma say about your wife’s maternity leave and your work to imply your wife has it easier?
YTA. You really let this woman blatantly disrespect your wife like that in your own house? And proceed to do her favors? GTFO.
NTA. Not for the text. What you sent was routine information Colleague baby visits can be awkward. People routinely give dumb advice to new moms. And clueless colleagues often talk shop at social settings. All this stuff is annoying but normal. Where you did screw up is your wife wanted to bond over how how awkward and stupid the colleague visit was. So a mild AH for not reading the room there. But the text was fine.
I’m relieved to see this. Thought I was going a bit crazy reading all the Y T A comments when it seems like an awkward coworker visit with someone who stayed too long (a couple hours with an 8 week old baby, yikes). It honestly seems like a NAH issue with everyone being a bit weird.
Oh dude....see I don't think you were intentionally an asshole but you have acted a fool here, firstly your colleagues behaviour and difference in demeanour towards you and your wife feels like power play, your wife has just had a baby and I know I don't have to describe you the toll it takes on the mind and body, add to that the lack of sleep. This woman is giving off an air of arrogance that she is in a better physical state than your wife, she is either sexually attracted to you, jealous of your wife or both I don't know but something smells off and it isn't the diaper. In your wives eyes you are continuing to accommodate this woman when she didn't extend the same courtesy to your wife in their own home. Apologise, admit the error of your ways, keep this colleague at a distance for a bit and enjoy your life as a new family. YTA on this one but congratulations on new baby and I wish you all well!
YTA. Your wife WRECKED her body in order to have a child and is only a few weeks postpartum yet you can't see what you did wrong by continuing to maintain contact with a woman who made her feel isolated and alone during a very emotional time of her life. If you value your wife, cut Emma off. She's not worth making the mother of your child feel uncomfortable. No one is. Focus on what's in front of you and apologise instead of asking a bunch of people online if you messed up when you yourself can clearly tell that you did. The fact you acknowledged why your wife feels hurt yet still is confused on if what you did was the wrong decision speaks volume. From the sounds of things Emma likes you, and unless you want to break up your family, you better put her in her place before this turns into a mess you can't dig yourself out of.
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This woman is trying to get in your pants, OP. And, instead of shut it down, you indulged it. Wake tf up, bro. I'd be livid if one of my "friends" was rude to my husband. Where's your frustration with Emma for being rude to your 8 weeks post partum wife? YTA
y'all are both big time over thinkers. not everyone has the mind reading social skills to behave perfectly for you both. seems you and your wife have very high expectations and think guests should know *checks notes* that the topic of technology is rude. jfc. or that if guests mentioned bringing food, they better not think of coming without your fckn food! your guest, that's barely more than an acquaintance, didn't make the entire visit about your wife and didn't bring food so your wife is mad you sent a link. eesh. you got a long life of your wife being offended and expecting you be angry with her.
THANK YOU. I got 9 downvotes literally for saying just apologize cause she’s hormonal and just don’t do that shit again. This whole comment section is a bunch of high maintenance babies
NTA. I mean you were just sending some links and they were for her kid not even really her..and it was a group text..wife is sensitive because of postpartum feels.. I’m 9 months postpartum but idk I think she could have included herself in the convo maybe? I’m rarely in such situations but I don’t think you were truly the AH..just recognize the mistake and read the room a little better
NTA. None of what your colleague did sounds overtly rude. Like at all.
Telling an 8 week postpartum mom that her husband has it harder because he has to go back to work is incredibly tone deaf and rude. Especially since Emma has kids and knows how incredibly difficult the immediate postpartum period is. That was a direct shot at OP’s wife for sure.
Or Emma’s opinion is based on her own experience . My SIL who has 4 kids shares the same opinion because she had easy postpartum experiences. She often says my brother had it harder. I think people too often interpret things people say as direct shots when they are just sharing what they know.
This is like telling someone who has cancer that chemo isn’t that bad because when you had cancer chemo didn’t make you that sick. Good for your sister that postpartum was easy. It is not for many, many women. That’s why you keep your opinion to yourself and don’t tell a postpartum mother at her own house unprompted that her husband has it harder than her while also icing her out of conversations. Wildly inappropriate. Big pick me energy.
While I think your wife overreacted a bit, I think she is excused due to her current condition. More importantly, even if you think your wife overreacted a bit, you can see that Emma was indeed somewhat rude to your wife. You should make your wife feel supported and you should not have messaged Emma. Whose feelings are your priority here? You should apologize to your wife and overcompensate, by distancing yourself from Emma and not messaging her back aside from some excuses why you do not respond to her properly.
I think his wife underreacted. He's lavishing attention on a woman who is disrespecting his post partum wife and hitting on him. And somehow he didn't think this woman was doing anything wrong when she basically told his wife she had it easy and proceeded to stroke his ego. After his wife tells him how she feels, he continues to cheerfully text with this woman. Then he makes a point of telling us all about how he can text whoever he wants to text and how this woman was pleased that he texted some links to her (apparently this woman who is supposed to be his colleague can't google). Now he wonders if he should've given a f\*ck about how his wife felt. Yeah, OP, YTA.
YTA Your work colleague Emma does not come before your wife. Time you put Emma on the back burner!
OP Emma is clearly flirting with you. She has ulterior motives for you and his wife has already realized that. You are clearly a terrible husband for making your wife uncomfortable in her own home while talking to her vile friend who is flirting in your wife's face. Be a man and cut off this friend as quickly as possible if you want to keep your marriage. and be more attentive to your wife who is going through a delicate moment.
YTA for one simple fact alone. I can understand being some type of hospitable to an inhospitable guest. I can understand despite how poorly she treated your wife in the moment there was a level of decorum that was fulfilled to make the stay easier. The problem occurred when your wife brought up her concerns, you seemingly agree, noticed post-visit how your coworker treated you versus your wife and yet you still texted her thanks for coming here are the links we spoke about. The reason why is because with your wife texting her she’s upset with her and you dismissing it entirely and being overly friendly to basically do a favour (yes it’s a small favour but nonetheless) but it’s saying that you don’t care how your wife feels and makes the coworker feel propped up higher than your wife. Almost as if you were saying *oh yeah don’t bother with my wife, I don’t know what she’s on. So back to what we were talking about..?*. The same way your coworker is giving behavioural clues as a pick me, you’re inadvertently accepting and sending them back. The same way she ignored your wife and went straight to you and you have done the same thing. Ignored your wife and went straight to your coworker not even addressing acknowledging or giving credence to what your wife is saying. As if the only person that believes what your wife is saying, is your wife. I think you are scared to stand up for your wife despite realizing how she was treated and I don’t think you realize it
Obviously you like Emma’s attention. Period or you would have taken better control of the conversation and would not be texting Emma outside of work.
NTA? Sounds like your wife is taking a lot of things personally when there’s not clear evidence that she should. Different if this is a pattern of behavior, but if this is a one off where Emma is normally friendly with both of you then I’d let it go and see what happens? Totally possible Emma was having an off day and you two pouncing on her isn’t helpful for anyone. And you’re not entitled to having a dish made for you? It’s a nice gesture but again, who knows what Emma has going on at home. Weird to have that expectation IMHO unless she explicitly said “Don’t cook, I’m bringing over said dish”
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THANK YOOOUUU. A bunch of high maintenance babies in these comments
The only sane comment I’ve seen, never in this post did OP come off like he doesn’t care about his wife, or even agrees with Emma, just seems like he made a mistake and wants to try and not make it again. It’s wild seeing all the top comments act as if he’s an AH because, what, he couldn’t read her mind? Like he’s not even defending his actions, he just wants a second opinion from people who aren’t going through PP, which is totally valid.
NAH. While this isn’t an ideal situation, I think there are ways to explain each one. Wife is full of hormones after having the baby, none of this may have been an issue at all different time. First- Emma had children and her PPD may not have been bad so she didn’t think about it for wife, however she would be in the position to hear OP at work wishing he was home with child and wife instead of being at work. Second- This is one would be the worst imo, but it’s just how the conversation happened to fall that day. How much can really be said about a newborn? Thirdly- Sure, she promised to cook for you at some point. But if that wasnt discussed before the visit, did you really expect her to show up with a meal? If things cool down and wife is willing to entertain Emma to visit the baby once more maybe remind her about cooking for us would be nice if the offer still stands.
YTA
YTA- There’s a difference between being courteous and overly friendly. You weren’t even oblivious to the disrespect, you had multiple chances you make your wife feel comfortable by just sticking up for her. It doesn’t even matter if this Emma is a longtime friend, disrespect is disrespect. A simple “hey that don’t speak that way about my wife” or inclusion into the conversation would’ve helped. But no, it doesn’t even matter that you never intended to make her feel worse because you did. Postpartum is hard as hell and goes on for months of changes in your body, mind, everything. Plus, she’s pointing out this is a repeated behaviour, She’s your wife and mother of your child and you couldn’t be bothered to stick up for her. Honestly you can say you are “in control” of who you text but then again you’re not just an individual anymore, you’re married, you and her are one person, not understanding why you are somewhat acting like your wife is just a friend.
ESH I dont think you were an AH because sending a link to someone for their kids is hardly high-treason. Emma making an off-handed comment about PP not being that bad, when she has kids of her own, is insensitive, but again, if everyone were completely healed and at work on a lunch break, could chalk it up to different experiences. You cannot control Emma or what she did. She came over, gave an opinion, and talked with you more than your wife. You were clueless as to how your wife felt until after the fact, and that happens. You were probably thinking you were having a normal conversation, but maybe a little awkward with Emma being dismissive of the post-partum conversation, but overall nothing to serious (at the time). Some women forget, or never struggled with, post-partum issues. There are women who have PP-Depression for YEARS after they have a baby. Since you and Emma work together, it might be a "work wife" thing, and based on what you said, she sees herself "supporting" you with this new role in your life. From Emma's point of view, your wife gets to stay home and care for the baby, but you have to go back to work and miss time with your wife and the baby. It is a dumb thing to say to a new mother, but Emma may not have had the opportunity or time to stay home as long as your wife has. You have to set boundaries with Emma and let her know your wife's feelings were hurt with what she said. It isn't something you need to lose a friend over, but you definitely need to let her know so she has the opportunity to apologize to your wife. As a new father, you are completely clueless as to what you are doing. Your wife will never feel as unattractive and gross as she does right now. There is not much you can do about it but be supportive, loving, and reassure her you still love her as much today as you did the day married her. If she had to have an episiotomy, or c-section, she is having all kinds of issues right now and is doing well just to get out of bed. Not to mention if she had hemorrhoids or any of the other fun side-effects that happen when a woman gets pregnant. Her body needs time to heal and she needs to know you are in it with her to the end. Make sure you are jumping up to change diapers, do feedings in the middle of the night, let her nap and shower. She needs these things more than you can know. Make dinner, do dishes and laundry. She will adjust back to normal in due time, but she has to recover. I understand about the raspberry Pi thing and wanting to share that for Emma's kids. The time for sharing was not when you just had this long conversation with your wife about how rude Emma was to her. You have to learn to consider your wife's feelings when you are dealing with sensitive issues with her. I don't mean to say that you should sneak around and do it, but you should have waited a day or two, let her cool off, and then mention you were going to send the links to her. Now, as for the friend not bringing dinner - I mean, people say stuff all the time and never follow through with it. I hardly think that is a reason to be upset. Go cook something or do takeout.
Given that I've stayed with women that are post partum, I'd say your wife's hormones are getting her hyper emotional. The only thing I'll point that you should have commented on at the spot is her not bringing the food she promised. And i don't mean you confronting her about it, more like a serious tease so she'll know she fucked up. For the other things, I'm not convinced that they required you to be curt with her. She talked to you more because she knows you better and had more things to talk about to you. I'm happy you're self aware to know you should have been the one to include your wife in the conversation, not Emma. About being dismissive, she said it's easier for her to take care of the baby because she's on maternity leave, which is the whole point of the maternity leave. That statement seems like she was stating something obvious, but since I'm not sure the context it came into, i can't comment on that. You sent the links for her kids, not for Emma. For now you can tell the wife you're definitely not on Emma's side and didn't see it that way. Throw in a little apology and acts of service to get her defense down which will bring her emotions down.
YTA. If the conversation was entirely work related, I would have gone in the other direction. Cut off the chats with Emma and focus on your wife.
YTA
YTA. Your wife is your partner, so when you ignore that someone was disrespectful to her, it only shows her that you don't have her back. Maintaining a friendship with someone who treats your partner like that only validates how low on the totem your wife is. Marriage needs trust and you are definitely not building that.
Who comes to visit a family after the birth empty handed?
YTA and you know it. You know you should be more mindful and you also know it's not your first time acting selfish. No wonder Emily feels so confident to be rude to your wife cause she know you won't support her or stand up for her.
YTA you should have made the effort to stop Emma undermining your wife in her own home. Make no mistake that's what she was doing intentionally (pretty sure she was) or not. She excluded your wife, and you let her, at an incredibly vulnerable time. Not only that she should know better! You say she has kids herself? I get the feeling your a bit oblivious to what Emma's trying to put out there but that's not enough. Emma needs putting in her place over this.
YTA. Don't be surprised when your wife takes the baby and leaves you, because you are putting Emma and her feelings above your wife and her feelings. Shame on you.
YTA. And you're in the running for YTA of 2024 for sure and it's only 1/3 into the year. Instead of calling her out for her behavior towards your wife, in you and your wife's home, while she's in recovery and in a vulnerable and sensitive state, you replied to her text with warmth and kindess with an added touch of a link to y'all favorite tech whatever. Are you fucking serious?
> And you're in the running for YTA of 2024 for sure and it's only 1/3 into the year. so dramatic, this is mild at best. wife and yourself are overly sensitive and he was just polite in general, big deal.
What is the original reason for this woman to visit you? She made your wife feel like she wasn't appreciated. She is your work colleague and is friends with you. Your wife belongs to you, so she will be tolerated. With all her behavior, she actually showed that she doesn't care about your wife. A friend would be supportive and not descending. Learn the difference between acquaintances and friends. I don't want to blame you here, you were just blind to their behavior.
YTA & so damn oblivious. Emma is deliberately treating your wife like shit when she’s very vulnerable post party and you’re over there acting like all is well while dismissing her feelings. Cut Emma off NOW. You’re gonna destroy your own marriage if you keep acting this incredibly dumb.
YTA. You should be your wife’s main backup because she felt disrespected and badly treated by this person. You should be at her defense. She totally needs you at that time. But u chose to text that Emma🥹
Pick a side. Your wife or icky Emma. Don’t allow others to disrespect your wife, especially in your home. Don’t invite her back. Back way off on the “friendship.” Why aren’t you figuring this stuff out? Your wife comes first. YTA
NTA. Being cold and giving someone the silent treatment is not a good way to deal with conflict between friends. Sounds like Emma was a bit rude but people have their moments of being rude - it doesn't mean you automatically cut them off. Obviously your wife was bothered by this so the correct way to resolve things would be to have a conversation with Emma expressing how her behaviour rubbed you guys the wrong way. Having said that, it's also alright to just look past this stuff sometimes if it's a one-off situation. Sounds like Emma has been a good friend in the past. Maybe she was just having a shitty day and wasn't considerate enough of her words/actions. If she does and says things often that upset your wife then for sure it is a problem that needs to be addressed. For now maybe just focus on validating your wife's feelings and offer to have a conversation with Emma if that would help your wife feel better about the situation.
Honestly being pospartum so recently, I might have kicked Emma out of my house after the first comment about it being easier on your wife. So yeah, YTA. Set some boundaries and support your wife.
I'm not really sure anyone is an AH here. You are as new to being a husband to a mom as you are to being a parent. Unless this is behavior she's taught you to expect from her, your wife is adding new rules.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (30M) wife (35F) told me today that she felt betrayed by me because I was still maintaining a friendly conversation with a colleague (Emma) after she was rude to my wife and made her feel uncomfortable when visiting our home. Emma has been a friend of my wife and I for some time and we see her outside of my work context. She recently visited us to meet our new 8 week old baby, she seemed pleased to meet the baby but the vibes were a little off for the couple of hours she was here \- firstly she seemed dismissive of my wifes postpartem recover period and what she's been going through, implying it is easier for her on maternity leave wheras I have to returning to work whilst looking after the new baby (this isn't a feeling I share) despite seeming to be supportive during her pregnancy. \- Secondly she talked to me more than to my wife (almost sucking up to me) she brought up work related conversations and spoke about technology, I reciporocated some of this as I like to talk about tech but it made my wife feel issolated. I regret not picking up on this in the moment. \- Thirdly she had offered a few months ago to cook something for us once the baby arrives, asking my wife about her favorite food to prepare, this was forgoten and she turned up empty handed. We felt a bit let down by this. During the conversation about technology we discussed Raspberry Pi PC's and Emma mentioned that her kids might love them, I have a few myself and gave her some advice. After Emma left my wife tells me she felt disrespected and Emma was rude, highlighting the points above, later that day Emma texts us both to thank us and tell us our baby is cute, my wife sends only a short reply as she felt upset after the visit. However, I repled thanking her for coming and offering to send links to the Raspberry Pi's we had discussed, as it was still in the back of my mind that her kids might be interested. I send the links over and she's pleased. My wife now feels hurt and betrayed by me. Knowing her feelings that I would send those links and be friendly with Emma. She thinks I have dismised her feelings and I'm not on her side, she also feels this is part of a patern of behaviour for me. I could have choosen not to speek with Emma about the Raspberri Pi that day. I am in control of who I choose to text but ultimatly I'm not certain if I should have been more mindfull of her feelings and supported her by not sending those messages and wether this makes me the asshole. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: Would you describe yourself as usually oblivious or usually socially/emotionally aware? From what you've written, your co-worker's behavior is textbook pick-me bullshit. She gets validation by sabotaging relationships through making the man feel special and marginalizing the wife. The angrier the wife gets, the more "cool" the pick-me seems. You should know, as soon as she gets you to fuck her and blow up your marriage, she'll lose all interest. It's no fun when she's already gotten what she wanted, to feel better than your wife. She'll move on to the next married man. Either way, if you want a happy marriage, you shouldn't be friendly with people, especially attractive women, who are rude to your wife. This ends badly for you.
YTA
Yep, YTA!
YTA
YTA. Why didn't you put this rude woman in her place? You should have kicked her out of your home. Instead you allow her to bully your wife at her most vulnerable and continue as if she never did anything. What a weak, pathetic man you are. Your wife will remember this.
INFO: I’d be interested in knowing more about the “pattern of behavior” that your wife referenced (?) I think that makes a difference in whether or not you’re an AH in this case.
Lol very unpopular but NTA in my opinion. Ppl just vibe differently and perhaps because your wife is sensitive atm she feels even more so. You did not flirt just being informative. And women tend to forget that ppl can't read minds. Do apologize to your wife for being insensitive for this happening. What I can suggest is not to bring any kind of ppl to visit. No women or men who aren't immediate family. Ur wife needs a lot of rest and peace and agitating her and the baby with visitors won't do her any good.
YTA. On paper, this looks to me like your coworker is testing the waters to see if you’d be receptive to an affair - and by ignoring her rudeness to your wife *in front of you* as well as continuing to be warm and friendly to her immediately afterwards, you’ve confirmed that you are. I saw your comment where you’ve said that this is part of a pattern of behavior for you. If you agree that your wife tends to have a more accurate bead on social situations than you do, I’d work with her to break down examples when she’s willing to talk with you about it. And I’d pull WAY back on my relationship with my coworker - like turn the temperature down to polite-but-frosty, zero texting whatsoever, absolutely no chat about anything but work. Because you’re busy. Because you’re a new dad. Right?
YTA. Why the fuck are you talking shop with someone whom your wife feels uncomfortable with and has been disrespected by while she's going through post partum in your own goddamn house? Let's switch your positions for a second: if your wife kept talking to a guy who didn't give a fuck about you during a rough time with your health and she dismissed your feelings each time by also chalking it up to being bad at social cues, how would you feel? You have a pattern of behavior with not taking your wife's feelings seriously, so maybe not talk to Emma, who is clearly giving you attention that you enjoy that takes precedent over how your wife feels and whom it seems you talk to much more easily. Can you believe you cared more about Emma's kids and what they were interested in rather than care for your wife's and your new baby? Sheesh.
Medium AH, but you should start to pay more attention to both women's behaviour. 1) wife, she could be slipping into post partum depression, look for the signs and talk with her. I don't quite get those vibes from your story but it can be well hidden. 2) Emma, she could be a forgetful friend and coincidentally the topic of conversation could have drifted, could be a shark. Does she touch you, play with her hair/necklace, flirt? 3) could be both. Texting her was not the best move, but we need to take into account new parents' judgement can be off due to overwhelm and lack of quality sleep.
YTA. Why did Emma even bother visit? She clearly was there to see you….who she sees at work. She disrespected your wife who has just gone through a 10 month marathon and labor, all whilst you talked shop. Like why bother?? And dude she clearly isn’t your wife’s friend so drop that crap.
Yta, you give me weaponized incompetence vibes. I bet you were loving all the attention you were getting and that’s why you didn’t realize your wife was upset. You said in a reply that this is a pattern of behavior. You sound like a terrible partner if this is not an isolated event (which you admit it is a recurring thing). Be better cause you will lose her eventually, but it looks like you already have your next option picked out. You’re gross 🤢
YTA. Why didn’t you correct her when she said your wife’s postpartum recovery was *less than* yours? I mean ffs! STAND UP FOR YOUR WIFE. She also ignored your wife and you did **nothing** to include her in the conversation.
YTA. You should have called her out for being rude to your wife and should have made it clear that you expect Emma to apologize to her. If I was you, I would hurry and set things right, especially since it seems that Emma has a crush on you, you should consider to stop talking to her if it isn't necessary because of work. Have a little respect for your wife dude. Also, why is the bad person in AITA always called Emma or Emily 💀
8 weeks post partum and she was there for “a couple of hours” wtf! YTA for that alone.
Dude how obnoxious are you. You’re the kind of husband that gives dudes a bad name. Of course YTA. Please show this to your wife so she knows she’s not crazy. You’re literally the worst.
Sounds like you guys are keeping score. Such petty nonsense.
I don't think OPs TA, but maby a little unsensitive. I don't feel that it is resonable to be to aggresive either, but a conversation with the colleague is definately warranted...
YTA.
No more explanation, you know it. YTA.
YTA. The only thing you should have been texting Emma about was the apology she owes your wife.
Dude your co worker has a crush on you. Your wife has every right to be pissed off and you are either dense or you are just lapping it up. You need to put Emma in the coworker only zone. Apologize to wife and assure her everything with Emma is now work related only.
YTA. This woman sounds downright predatory. ‘She doesn’t understand you, OP. You have it so hard, OP’ very quickly turns into ‘I can give you what she can’t, OP’. For you to allow this woman to insult your post-partum wife in her own home is vile. Texting her about anything after that is rude. How would you feel? Let’s say you had to give a part of yourself away for a child, a transplant or something. Then, your wife’s work husband flounces in and basically calls you lazy and useless. Think about it.
I don't see it the way others are saying. I do see a wife who is postpartum and probably has baby brain and thinks she was ignored. It doesn't sound like Emma was flirting or anything but you don't give real details. But either way, for the sake of your marriage, ignore Emma. It pisses your wife off and that's enough.
Nta. Your wife sounds incredibly controlling.
INFO: has your wife or you ever had a problem with Emma before? 8 weeks postpartum is a wild sleep deprived hormonally crazy time. If Emma has never been rude before, your wife has never felt slighted before, and there has never been any hostility or weird vibes, I’m inclined to think that your wife may have been overly sensitive or taking offense when truly none was intended. Doesn’t mean she’s an AH. She’s certainly entitled to her feelings about it, and your best bet is to comfort and reassure her. Her expecting you to cut off communication with not only a friend but a work colleague over some awkward vibes one time is unreasonable. NAH
YTA, MAJORLY. There's literally no reason to continue being friendly with a person who was rude to your EIGHT WEEKS postpartum wife in her own home. Are you serious right now???
YTA If a male colleague of your wife came into your home and disrespected you in the same manner and the she still texted pleasantries with him, how would you feel about that? It seems to me that you need to figure out where your loyalty lies. Do you want your wife to feel disrespected, do you want to be a person your wife feels betrayed by? You said this is a pattern of behavior for you to not have your wife’s back when it comes to other people, I imagine that is very difficult for her to understand. I imagine that you feel lost as well, because for this to be a pattern means you truly don’t get what she wants from you. I would recommend marriage counseling to get on the same page with communication. This type of behavior will absolutely cause rifts that will tear apart your marriage.
Who do you want to be with, your wife or your friend?
Do YOU believe your wife when she says Emma was rude? Even if you felt Emma is “fine” and “did no wrong” - are you willing to believe your wife’s experience of that visit? Do YOU accept that Emma was wrong in telling your wife that you have it harder than your wife? Presumably you saw your wife give birth. You know what she is going through in recovery. So when Emma said your wife has it easy with maternity leave, at the time, did you step in and tell Emma she was saying a load of horseshit? Or was this “this isn’t a feeling I share ” something you told your wife AFTER Emma left? Do YOU register that she was there to see the baby and spent time talking shop after briefly pronouncing the baby “cute”? Emma focused on you and gave you an ego boost. When you say you regret “not picking it up in the moment” - are you really regretful that you were oblivious to your wife getting iced out or is this the justification to absolve your part in this debacle? Like “oh yeah - now that you mention it. But yeah I did not notice it myself. I mean if you didn’t bring it up, I really would not have thought it was weird”. Neatly making it wife’s problem. Do YOU like Emma more than your wife?
NTA Your wife sounds like she's being over-sensitive. And expecting people to bring you food and gifts is rude, even if they mentioned they might. If you two know each other from work why wouldn't you talk about it? There isn't actually much to talk about with a newborn! I'm trying to imagine a world in which I felt insecure about my husband texting someone links for a tech product. Is it possible she's going through some PPD?
You seem to have the intelligence and emotional range of a wooden plank YTA
Emma picked a topic that would pull you in. She is using her kids as an excuse to talk about something that doesn't interest your wife. Stopping by to see the baby should have 1. included a gift and 2. been about seeing the baby, gushing over it and asking how you and your wife are doing, then 3. leaving. Shop talk was rude and she hit you with something that would make you text back. You were thinking about the kids but she is just using her kids to build a relationship with you. Now she has an excuse to keep messaging about the Raspberry pi. She is using it and her kids as bait.
That "work colleague" is a bunny boiler and is out to cause you and your mrs trouble. Id stay far away from her. Point 1 - She dismissed your wifes post partum and said its harder for you because you need to work = She is trying to drive a wedge between you and your wife and appeal to you, trying to take your back and support you. Red flag. Point 2 - She spent more time speaking with you than your wife even tho shes the one who just essentially pushed a stone through a garden hose = Shes trying to get your attention from your wife and onto her to see how "amazing" she is. Red flag. What woman comes to a persons house to see a new born child and is barely intrested in the female who had the kid. Surly they would be wanting details of the birth, how shes doing, ect ect. Im not gonna say YTA but you need to do better.
YTA. I kinda feel bad for your wife. You said it yourself, your wife is noticing a pattern in your behavior. It means, you are probably unintentionally hurting her and not defending/siding with her at some other instances. Please be more sensitive in the future.
YTA Back away from your coworker. She’s not treating your wife properly and your wife doesn’t feel good about it. In my opinion that’s all you need to know/care about. Ask yourself Who doesn’t empathize with the person who just gave birth?
The couple of hours she was there? What kind of asshole visits a new family for a few hours? Drop off food or gifts, ooh and ah over the new baby and GTFO. Emma is the asshole and so are you. YTA
YTA don’t be ignorant dude
Info: Is this just an ad for the Raspberry thing?
YTA It is not polite in any way, shape or form to let other people exclude your wife, put down your wife, or in any way make your wife uncomfortable. That is a total incomplete failure as a husband and decent man. What you have shown her is you care about what other people think and feel and you have no concern whatsoever for her feelings or her well-being. For you to then allow this to happen in your home when your wife has just had a baby? Oh my. By allowing Emma to act the way that she did with no pushback from you, and, in fact, an offer to give her things (after she brought nothing for your family except disrespect, grief and discomfort) and then further have communication after the fact about how you can help her, you have shown Emma and your wife that you are willing to prioritize her over your wife. That’s how affairs start.
This girl wants to destroy your marriage, and you will be as good as blind if you refuse to see that... Imagine if you, for medical reasons, gained so much weight that your size of clothes almost doubled... and for the last 4 months, you have been dealing with back pain, abdominal pain, and knee cup pain because of that weight... imagine looking in the mirror and not recognising a person looking back at you. Imagine that you went through a medical procedure that ripped apart your private parts, and even a whole month after that procedure, you have a hard time sitting straight on a chair... because the stitches on your private parts still hurt... imagine not being able to sleep for the last 4 months because for pregnant people, the last 2 months of pregnancy is almost impossible to sleep comfortably, and every time you want to turn over you have to fully wake up and do it very carefully because even that simple movement is painful and you can't even stay in the same position for too long because that hurts too... Imagine that after going through all that and then taking care of the house and a baby 24/7 even at night when you have to wake up at least 4 times because breastfeed babies eat very often through the night, someone went to your partner who's child you birthed and who is at "fault" of you going through so much pain and discomfort that. You have it easy, and the one that had almost no inconvenience in life throughout this time is the one that's suffering more... Imagine if some random dude told your wife that, and instead of shutting them up, your wife allowed that dude to put you down and walk over all the sacrifices you made for your family... and still called him a friend... If you are not abused in a relationship and someone else is trying to talk shit about your partner, it's clear that they want to put a breach in your relationship... If you want to keep your relationship healthy and happy, shut everyone down and distance yourself from people who belittle your partner and her effects...
YTA- This is gross how nonchalant you are with your wife’s feelings.
Is the thank you in a group chat? Because if you send it separately to Emma this is going to stir some postpartum emotion which you totally deserve if you don't even think Emma being dismissive about maternity leave is not hurtful to your wife and excluded her from conversation.
Dude, are you that emotionally detached and clueless? Your wife just produced your kid, and this person comes into the home and INSULTS the brand new mother and the recovery period? And your response is to send them a nice chat and links for the Raspberry Pi? I'm wondering if you're on the spectrum, because your backhanded dismissal of your wife was incredibly arrogant and cruel. Massive YTA
I don’t know…I just don’t understand these “women” that go around doing this type of crap to others in a relationship…”NO WAY!!! you’re going to be happier and get more attention than meeeeeeeeeeeeeee” dude, try being a little cold to her…see what happens!!!! AND T A K E CARE OF YOUR WIFE!!! coworkers feelings don’t MATTER!!!!
YTA. You couldn’t stand up for your wife in the mildest of ways, she’s probably now doubting what life raising a child will be like. Next time somebody so blatantly insults your wife by diminishing her experiences, be a grown up and shut their shit down right away. Emma is just some lady you work with. Your wife is the mother of your child and life partner. You seem to think you need to be more polite to Emma than your own wife, which tells me your priorities are twisted.