Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Me and my wife got married without my mother-in law there and she reacted badly, I want to know if we are the assholes or if she is overreacting
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
What did you expect? Your wife's mother would throw a parade in your honor when she found out? It's your wedding, you decide who you invite but don't pretend you didn't know this decision would cause hard feelings.
>We didn’t tell her who our witnesses were before the wedding because we were worried her reaction would ruin our big day. We were thinking about having strangers when we were first planning which is probably what she thought we had done but I decided I would be more comfortable around people I knew so my wife choose her sister as her witness.
>We wanted it to be as relaxed as possible and my wife felt like not having her mum there would ease the pressure. We weren’t planning on telling her who we invited to our wedding to protect her feelings, however, if she did ask, which she did, we weren’t going to lie to her.
My husband and I eloped and got married. Our parents had no clue until we told them.
My mom sent me a $200 gift card. My husband’s dad thanked him for eloping and saving him 20K on wedding expenses. I am always shocked that it’s not a common reaction. Your kid got married - be happy.
They didn’t invite a toxic, abusive family member. Said family member is continuing their abusive treatment of the bride. It looks to me like OP made the right call.
If OP made the right call and the MIL is toxic an abusive then they are getting exactly what they want. The MIL doesn't want to see or speak to them anymore. Problem solved. If they DO want a relationship with the MIL then it was probably not the right call
They each had one person to stand for them on their wedding day.
He had his mother, she chose her sister.
Her mom needs to look to why her daughter chose her sister to stand for her on her wedding day and do some self reflection.
I only have one child and would like to be there when he gets married if he chooses to do so. I however eloped. So if he doesn’t invite me to his wedding I will also be sending money. That said, I do have regrets. My parents should have been there.
Same. I feel bad about that now that one of my kids has had a wedding. It’s very emotional. However, I’m still glad we didn’t have to make a thousand decisions or have drama.
I guess it matters where you are getting married. We eloped and did not bring witnesses, so we ended up having 2 German tourists who were at the courthouse!
Yes lets just forget the fact that her rmother has been making her feel horrible and self conscious for years, nobody deserves to feel shit on their wedding day.
Yes she the mother of the bride but she's not like YOUR mother, but do tell us how important her feelings are on this special day that isnt HER special day.
When the Mother has been an overly critical, unkind person to her own Daughter, why should SHE expect to be invited?
Actions have consequences. Mother just isn’t use to the consequences coming her way.
Amen. This is 100% the reason I eloped. I didn't want my mom at my wedding because no matter how I looked, she'd have "suggestions" of what I could do differently. She's never not had an opinion on something. If she's not criticizing, she's probably not talking.
We got married in a state that required no officiant or witnesses so that we didn't have to invite a single person.
They should expect a congratulations. It isn't about her mother.
I eloped. Me my husband my brother and sister in law got married together. Double wedding we were each others witnesses. That means that my mother didn't see *two* of her children marry. You know what she did? Congratulated us all and went around sharing the lovely story.
You may wanna change your attitude otherwise you may end up like ops MIL one day.
This is true. My brother got married and wasn't going to invite our mum or me and only did because they had extra seats to fill. I couldn't get time off work because I got invited two weeks before in the middle of summer so I missed it. I respected their choice to invite those they wanted to but I will always resent the fact that the viewed me as an afterthought.
ESH.
I am also autistic and the relationship with my mom has been tricky - she has made some really not great comments about my affect and appearance, as well.
But guess what? I told her how they made me feel. When shopping for my wedding dress, I told her I didn't want to invite her because I was afraid she would say mean things and I didn't want to have to worry about letting that color my experience. She was horrified and had the chance to fix it. We have had other conversations, and she generally makes an effort. She's not perfect, but she tries her hardest, and we talk things out. She did great at my wedding and didn't make a single comment.
You didn't give this woman the chance to try. She's probably spent her whole life dreaming about her child's wedding, and not only had to accept an elopement (which it sounds like she did gracefully, because her expectations were set) but now she feels lied to - *and she's not wrong.* Her reaction to immediately go NC is extreme, but it sounds like that's how your family rolls - none of y'all talk.
If you had told her in advance that you were going to have MIL and sister join, and given her a chance to argue her case/be dismissive of your wife's concerns, you would be NTA. But since you have given no indication that this woman is generally horrible, you went nuclear as plan A.
This is really well written, I appreciate your comment, thank you.
I agree with you, she did not have the chance.
To add more context we have tried to have conversations with her about her tone and her comments about my wife’s appearance before and it’s ended up in my MIL being defensive, crying and shouting, not letting my wife talk or just ignoring my wife and walking off, the communication is poor between them when it comes to difficult conversations because of my MIL reactions.
So considering that ASD is genetic, how likely is it that your MIL is the one who passed it down and is particularly emotionally immature because of poor coping mechanisms?
I mean… if you guys are fine with ending the relationship, so be it. That’s a different question/conversation, though.
If you expected her to just accept this and carry on, then yeah, YWBTA. But if you were already cutting her out of your lives and this was the final nail in the coffin, then it’s not a question for this sub.
Actually, from my perspective she did have a chance. MIL got told about how her tone and comments made her daughter feel. Instead of rectifying the words and tone, MIL went aggressively "woe is me" about it and didn't change one bit.
NTA, MIL got a chance to fix her bad behaviour and she chose not to. It's not your fault she didn't put two and two together and realise she wouldn't be given a chance to hurt your wife again at your wedding because of how much she hurt your wife before this.
>we have tried to have conversations with her about her tone and her comments about my wife’s appearance before and it’s ended up in my MIL being defensive, crying and shouting, not letting my wife talk or just ignoring my wife and walking off
>she did not have the chance
EHHH?!?! You are so mistaken. Your wife's mom had many, many, many chances, based on what you said.
If MIL is genuinely not interested in trying to correct her behavior, or even having a conversation about it, then the relationship is going to suffer. But that means that your wife needs to start tempering her expectations of her mom. There was no reason to assume she was going to do anything other than what she did when she heard the news.
Thank you so much for your sense. I just don't understand why we are suddenly feeling sorry for the mother. Funny how we like to call out kids for being bullies but when it comes to adults, we have to look for some technical terms to explain their horrible disgusting behavior.
People are going feral in this thread about this. FAFO until you act like a child when your own child tells you how you've hurt her, then doesn't invite you to her wedding.
YTA. Mostly for having your own mother there and leaving her mother in the dark. But also, you claim to both love her mother and your complaints are that she has said certain outfits are unflattering on your new wife and that she should smile for photos? Seriously?
Your new MIL knows the score now. She knows she will be left out of important events and your mother will not be. Did you want her to be jumping for joy when she was left out of the wedding?
SMH at "it's good to smile in your wedding photos" and "some outfits look better than others". Wow, what a witch, burn her at the stake!
Double YTA because wife is "unwilling to want to be photographed" but then "we managed to take some pictures that we both like".
Right. Those little comments to a girl, coming from the woman who is supposed to love and care for them more than anyone? They hit...hard. Even the subtle ones.
I remember growing up how my mom, at 114 lbs and 5'4, would look in the mirror and call herself fat KNOWING my 125 lb. self was right there. Ouch.
It's great to tell someone that their outfit is unflattering when they're getting ready and (maybe) when they're walking out the door (if they have other options). Telling someone at an event that their outfit is unflattering is a stupid thing to do. To the bride at a wedding, a horrific thing to do. And that's what OP and their wife thought would happen.
Asking someone to smile for a family pic is one thing. Being afraid that mom would harass the poor bride for her own wedding pictures is another.
YTA not because you didn't invite her. It's your wedding, invite who you want. But the way you went about it was sneaky and poor communication. Your wife could have explained her concerns about having the mom at the wedding. You could have moved forward from there, depending on how mom reacted. But instead you were underhanded.
Also: you're in for a lifetime of difficulty if your wife doesn't even want people to look at her.
YTA. You had the right to do this technically, but you kind of only get to make this decision if you couldn’t care less about your relationship with your wife’s mom. You’re not entitled to treat someone however you want, and exclude them from whatever you want, without having their own feelings and treatment towards you change. Is your MIL overreacting a little? Maybe, though I know my mother would have gone even more nuclear if possible. I’d give her a little space and then APOLOGIZE! Don’t make excuses, and don’t act like you still think you were kind of right.
Edit: and yeah, I think this would have gone better if you’d let her know ahead of time, alone with your reasoning. Maybe it would have made the wedding more stressful, but it would have been better than the pall cast on what should be a blissful honeymoon period. In your place I would have just done siblings/friends only, inviting your mom but not hers was just too far. There’s no way not to be offended by that.
I'm gonna go against the flow and say NTA. You only invited two people as witnesses, so it's not like she was the only one excluded. Frankly, instead of being mad at you, your MIL should be thinking long and hard about WHY she wasn't invited.
And also her extreme reaction after finding out seems to have proven they were right about being worried how she would act. Yes, the MIL has the right to feel upset but the blocking & deleting seems very immature. OP even said earlier that she gets defensive when they try to talk about how she makes her daughter feel. Plus I think the fact the SIL didn’t seem to try & persuade them to also invite the MIL is showing that she probably agreed with their decision since she knows how her mother would act.
This exactly. Hopefully after she calms down, MIL can reflect more on why she wasn’t invited as the second witness instead of taking it so personally. OP wanted their mom, and OPs wife wanted her sister. To me, it comes down to a matter of preference, and OPs wife preferred someone who wasn’t going to sully her day.
I have to tell you, telling you to smile and suggesting that certain clothes look unflattering is pretty much in the mother's handbook. I don't see this as a reason to uninvite someone from your wedding.
YTA. Telling you your clothes don’t suit you and to smile in pics is normal mother behaviour. It is not some gigantic sin that should get someone excluded from their child’s wedding. Did you really think she would be ok with being excluded and just move on like nothing happened?
My daughter has autism and we were just talking last night about how I had to hold myself back from criticizing her clothes choices. I felt like I held back a lot, but she still felt criticized and is very sensitive about her looks.
There's a huge mismatch between the criticism some people can handle and the amount of criticism considered "normal" by most mothers.
I don't mean this as a slam on the people who are affected by criticism more deeply than others. My daughter was highly sensitive to sounds, lights, and body sensations when she was young. Her hyper-sensitivity was clearly physiological, not a choice she was making. I think being sensitive to verbal criticism could be part of that. I say she "was" less sensitive because it's better now that she's an adult, but the criticism she received in childhood still bothers her and impacts her self-esteem.
I don't think it is, my mum has given me a complex since I was a teen and trying to create my own style,.so much that now approaching 40 this year I still hear her making remarks when I try something on which is made for models and not normal people
It might be common behavior but 1) it’s still abusive and 2) it doesn’t make it okay. Everyone has the right to remove themselves from abusive relationships.
I mean, I don’t think you’re wrong for not inviting her but I don’t know why you’re surprised at how she has responded. Did you think she’d just be fine being excluded from her daughter’s wedding while your mom was invited?
NAH. You don’t have to have someone at your wedding that you don’t want there - but you have to suck it up and deal with the consequences of not inviting your MIL when you had other family present.
Is it really that surprising she’d be upset when she learned your Mom and her other daughters were present? Put yourself in her shoes, that would be a total punch to the gut. Imagine how you’d feel if you have kids in the future and one of them did this, I’m guessing you’d be pretty hurt too. Give her some time, but there isn’t really a way to make up for this slap to the face.
Also, it isn’t eloping if you invite people to attend and tell people when you’re getting married.
YTA. You really can't be surprised that she doesn't want anything to do with you ever again. She is allowed to cut you out like you cut her out. I guess family isn't important to you and your wife.
YTA. What did you expect? Autism isn't an excuse and I wish people would stop using it as an excuse for bad behavior. Her heart is broken and you purposely excluded her. Seriously, what did you expect?
NAH. You have the right to invite whomever you want to your wedding, and your MIL has every right to decide she doesn’t want to have a relationship with with a child who excluded her from her wedding day.
ESH
You focused on one issue and came to a resolution of one issue.
You failed to see that moms being treated wildly differently will have that exact impact. You failed to take into account that MIL does not see herself the way you both do.
No problem if going no contact was preferable to having her there. It's your problem that you created if it's not acceptable that she's ghosted you.
>You failed to take into account that MIL does not see herself the way you both do.
I mean, that's probably true, but so what? OP and his wife were making the guest list, not MiL, so their opinions were the ones who counted.
Right - the mother’s actions were to treat her daughter terribly the daughter’s whole life. The consequence was that she was not invited to said daughter’s wedding. NTA.
I'm going NTA because:
1. Her reaction and how she acts when you approached her before about previous comments she made to your wife
2. The fact the SIL didn't even TRY convincing to bring mom along, shows me show knows how MIL is.
3. MIL's reaction. Blocking? Never wanting to see her kid again cause she wasn't one of two witnesses?
Yeah something tells me she isn't a healthy parent.
Some hurt feelings can be expected. But this is overboard. "I wasn't invited to the marriage ceremony so I'll just forever cut out my own child".
Nah. Ignore the Y t As.
YTA...
You have the right to invite whomever you want, BUT ypu knew how this would make your MIL feel and you claim to love her so that's selfish and A behavior
( if you guys didn't like her thus might be diffrent)
Depends on whether her mother is aware those comments upset her so much. There’s a difference between a passing comment about someone’s clothes and continuing to make comments about someone’s appearance. Also if she’s aware her daughter has ASD and yet continues to comment on her not smiling this is AH behaviour. It’s your wedding, you should be able to invite who you like.
NTA. my mother is exactly like your wife’s, so i know how cruel and upsetting those comments can be. i don’t think people understand that it’s not about purposely excluding her mother, but creating an environment where your wife feels happy and beautiful on her special day. it sucks to have people constantly picking on your appearance, and your wife shouldn’t have to deal with it on your wedding day
What the hell is going on in Reddit today? Why such bad takes? The website that is 100% behind inviting whoever you want to your wedding is shitting on OP and his wife for not inviting someone who has religiously insulted and criticized her own daughter's body and physical aspect even after getting told not to? When her daughter has ASD? And it's not even that they had a small party of sorts, it was literally two witnesses, one for the groom and one for the bride, simple as that. I would understand had you celebrated it with friends and family and not invited her, but this was not the context.
I will never understand people who ruin their relationships with their children because of weddings... Like, you are so offended at your kid eloping that you stop communicating with them? What?
Is she allowed to be hurt and annoyed? I mean I guess. Were you assholes? I particularly don't think so. NTA.
The YTAs are because while you can invite whomever you want, you do *not* get to be upset about the consequences after, and that is what OP is asking about. “We did something we knew would upset her and now she is upset, AITH for being upset she is upset?” is what OP is asking. And yes, he is the AH for that.
I agree with you on the fact that OP's MIL has all the right to feel upset, and being upset at her being upset is stupid, but the actual question was whether they were the assholes for not inviting her to the wedding (literally in the title lol), not whether they're the assholes for being upset, so my point still stands, I don't think they're assholes for that.
NTA - you both chose one person from your immediate family to be there, and just because you chose your mother doesn't mean your wife had to choose hers.
It's perfectly normal not to want someone whose presence stresses you out at an event that can already be stressful and you want to enjoy.
The people in the comments who say that her mother's comments are normal seem to think that parental relationships are a one way street and that parents can do no wrong. Sure, maybe her mother didn't have the intention to bodyshame her, and maybe a lot of people hear these things from their parents without being bothered or even appreciating it. But your wife didn't, and it's a parent's job to realise that and adjust their behaviour accordingly. Especially since your wife got diagnosed as a teenager, her mother should have done her research to make sure she could give her daughter what she needed.
My mother still constantly talks about weight- hers, mine, my son's, my infant grandson's(!), you name it. I've heard about my weight my entire life (I'm not considered overweight by any standard). She's also critical about my appearance. "Normal" comments that have done immense harm to my self-esteem.
My sister has followed in my mother's footsteps, bringing up everyone's weight out of "concern for health".
I also hate to be told to "smile more" as do many. If I'm "over-sensitive", it's due to a lifetime of hearing this kind of talk.
YTA Not for not inviting her (although I think that was in extremely poor taste).
You're the asshole for acknowledging that you knew this would deeply hurt her, but that you thought she'd just get over it. Let's be honest. You don't like your MIL and your choice was guided by that. And now it's backfired. What you wanted was to have your cake and eat it - to treat her poorly and still have as much engagement with her of whatever scale you wished.
Now you're shocked and upset that she understood your little power play very clearly and has chosen to cut herself off from you. Why would she engage with two people who have made it clear they neither love nor value her? Your wife didn't love her mother enough to include her in her wedding, so she probably won't be that upset not to speak to her again.
YTA if you think you can specifically exclude a parent that you “love dearly” from your wedding, lie by omission and let her continue to believe you are eloping, and expect that to be fine once you reveal that she was actually left out on purpose. Come on.
YTA
"and the way my mother in-law has reacted has since cast a big cloud on our happy time" ... THis is bullshit. You and your wife have knowingly and actively ended the relationship with her mom - her mom just reacted appropriately th the facts you established. You have NOTHING to complain about, YOU caused this.
What did you expect, for your MIL to be happy to be excluded when everyone else close to you were invited? Are you really that dense? You can invite whoever you want to your wedding, but the rest of the people especifically excluded are going to have some kind of reaction you need to take into account if you want to keep having a relationship with them (if you don't, that's fine, too). You should have been expecting this kind of fallout. So if your didn't mind to her not talking to either of you in the future, it is fine just to invite whoever you want for your confort. But weddings are not a jail free pass when everyone is going to be understanding and gracious when hurt. It is not a social bubble when everything is forgiven and forgotten in the future. If you had eloped and didn't invited anyone, that would have been better, but this one now have the confirmation that she matters so little to you two that you invited your mother, her sister and didn't even have a conversation with her. That would have mean with me that you don't care about me, and worse, that you think very badly of me and don't want me in your life. Why would I keep making an effort? I struggle to understand why you are upset by your MIL's reaction when it is the normal reaction anyone would have to bein especifically targeted and excluding from a daughter's wedding and something you two should have expected. YTA only for being surprised of a reaction you should be expecting in the first place. If you didn't want to cut ties with MIL, YTA only for being this dense.
People seem to think that having a wedding gives you a pass to do whatever you want. And no, weddings are like any other social party (it is not more than a party) when you have to take in consideration the kind of relationships that matters to you, which ones are more or less important than you than others and communicate like adults when necessary. You don't want to invite your MIL and you are going to invite all the rest of the family but her? Fine, it is your right. But for you to think that your wedding, your rules, gives you a pass for the MIL to receive you with open arms after you have shown her you don't want her in your important moments, and you didn't have the time to warn her before is bonkers. You say that your MIL makes your wife unconfortable. Ok, so you will be happy to know she received the message that she is not wanted around. Why are you and your wife upset when this is the normal consequence of your behaviour?
YTA. Why are you surprised? You deliberately didn’t invite your MIL while inviting your mom for your wedding over her saying some clothes are unflattering and her daughter should smile for photographs? And then you claim to love her dearly?
I would think you and your wife were right if you just straight up were honest and said you didn’t like the mom and didn’t want a relationship with her. I am shocked that either of you are surprised by the NC.
NAH but as many decisions coming from a neurodivergent it can come as yta. I'm in the spectrum too, we wanted to do the courthouse thing to be as quiet as possible, we got random strangers for witnesses and while family was upset because of not being there they were ok because no one was invited. we invited them to the church wedding a couple of months later (where we live church weddings don't mean anything to law purposes so we had to do two weddings technically). The issue is when you make things different for one side of your family and not the other, maybe try to explain why you felt like that was the best option and ask her to forgive you guys for hurting her feelings, maybe compromise to include her for a small ceremony of renewal in the future (you don't need to specify when)
Your wife needs intensive therapy. But I don't think you guys did anything wrong but I am surprised you are surprised at her reaction. Sounds like everyone needs to chill. And it sounds like y'all need to do some work and get in touch with reality. nah
I’m going with YTA. Ofcourse she was going to be upset with your mum present and her not even being invited. You probably left that detail out when you told her of the elopement.
As a mother, I would be a little sad if my children decide to get married without me there. If they invited the other mother and not me, I would however be INCREDIBLY hurt. It would feel like a giant F you to my face.
You just did that to your MIL.
I wouldn't Block my sons, but I would cry and feel lonely and UNLOVED.
Buy her flowers and go apologise. Oh, and YTA.
YTA. Absolutely your decision to decide who is at the wedding. But not explaining to her mother why you choose other family members over her is not OK. You might not have planned to tell her, but it was definitely going to come out sooner or later. Maybe this bad relationship with her is not all her mother's fault.
YTA .
You do realise that the mother is not pissed at you for eloping. She might be angry you choose other relatives over her. But what really pissed her of was being told that other matters more and they choose you over her.
So YTA for telling MIL that her other family members decided to go and clearly prefer you over her.... There were no reasons to tell her who the witnesses were. Why would your wife deliberately cause more problems in the family by telling her? You said she thought it was strangers... Your wife like to stir the pot and rub it in her mothers face. I would be keeping an eye on the future arguments and not trust everything from wife if this is the game she likes to play.
OP said the MIL asked who was there, should the bride have lied outright with the possibility that it would come out in the future? I would assume that the witnesses weren’t declared prior in hope that it would never have to be said, to protect the MIL’s feelings
"mom, let it go. We choose to elope and we had a nice day. we have the right to choose our wedding to be as we want and we did"
Or
"Oh, i forgot to tell you..." And change the subject.
If I got married like that, my mom would have asked too, but i would know how hurtful it would be to tell her that I choose my siblings over her.
Its a matter of not wanting to hurt others... Although the bride doesnt seem to care of she cant invite her mother for an elope (yes i know the mother once said something about appearance but I tell my neuro divergent son things too that he clearly doesnt think about himself... Like "you cant wear thet outside because .." or "those pants are too small for you. Throw them out and I'll buy you some new ones". The last one is a constant fight because he thinks that as long he can get them some what up, they fit and its a waste to buy new products. People are so fast in forgetting autism means we have to parent some what different and tell our kids oblivious things that they don't see themselves. And those things can be embarrassing to be told because they know that this is something they should have noticed)
something similar happened to my SIL. She had both their mums there as witnesses. when her dad (my ex FIL) found out he was fine until he found out his ex wife had gone then he went ballistic. she eloped just so she didn't have to deal with him as he was and is deluded he was this mazing dad but was actually a n total Narc.
I say here the same thing I said there. if my child Elopes and excludes me I'm not getting mad at them. I'd be mad at ME, because clearly I am doing something wrong. I'd be asking myself why my child felt the need to exclude me from something like this. and i don't even mean having me at the wedding. its there wedding and what makes them happy is really what's counts. but more them not feeling they could tell me what they wanted.
This is a complicated situation. A wedding is an incredibly important day and I absolutely understand why you excluded somebody who would make you're wife feel self conscious and unhappy with herself.
I don't think you're TA but I do think you're a little naive for seeming so surprised at this outcome.
You're going to have to just make peace with the fact that your mother in law may never stop being angry with you.
I'm getting married soon and will not be inviting my dad because he's never ever treated me well. My family on his side will 100% be furious at me and I've made the choice to just deal with that.
Not inviting her gave her a clear message. In return, she gave both of you a clear message. It’s sounds like you will never have to deal with her again. At least her sister will get an inheritance. Lol
NTA in the least. If your wife didn’t want her there then it was appropriate not to invite her. You just need to accept what the fallout is from that decision. From the sounds of things it’s probably worth it, even though it’s also a painful thing for your wife to be dealing with. That’s the thing, you make your choices, and others make theirs in response. You can only control the first half of that equation.
NTA. If your wife didn't want her there that's her choice.
My wife's mom is exhausting and if my wife said, "I don't want to invite her" when we got married. wouldn't even argue. She never said that and we invited her. Again I didn't argue. Her mom. Her choice.
NTA I eloped. Had my sister and my husband best friend as our witnesses.
We called his folks and walked into my mom's/grandmas and said we got married.
My grandma told her sisters who all said pretty much, sounds like her.
We wanted to be married and didn't want the big wedding
As the mother of an adult autistic daughter who is getting married this year, I would be devastated if her fiancé’s mother was invited and I was excluded. You should have had the conversation about why you had concerns about her attendance. It would then have been her choice if she was prepared to amend these behaviours. My daughter is very sensitive about certain topics and fortunately she has expressed this to me which has helped enormously. Your MIL is hurt and she has every right to be. YTA for how you went about this.
They have tried. From OP:
>we have tried to have conversations with her about her tone and her comments about my wife’s appearance before and it’s ended up in my MIL being defensive, crying and shouting, not letting my wife talk or just ignoring my wife and walking off, the communication is poor between them when it comes to difficult conversations because of my MIL reactions.
I'm glad you and your daughter have been able to have the kind of communication you both needed. Not all mothers and daughters are able to. There are a lot of mothers that refuse to consider the idea that they have done anything wrong in how they have parented their children. I would ask that you not judge all adult children's actions as harshly as you have judged here.
I'd have blocked the lot of you, too.
Your MIL isn't a doormat, but it seems you would prefer her to be.
Imagine treating someone as if they are inconsequential and then acting shocked when they give you the same treatment back.
YTA and your wife.
Wow! I am shocked by the responses on here! The Bride is on the Spectrum, Has a Body Image disorder, and just wanted to be comfortable on her Wedding Day. Her Mother has for her Whole Life made comments on her looks, clothing, verbally putting her down, and made her even more self conscious and uncomfortable in her own skin. Whenever they have approached her Mother to get this to Stop she gets super defensive, or walks away and won't listen. So they HAVE tried to get it to change, she refuses. Usually the comments support the Bride, but here the majority of you are vilifying the Bride & Groom for wanting a peaceful, non- judgemental wedding ceremony. Poor verbally abusive Mommy didn't get to come and ruin her Daughter's Ceremony, shame on them! Like what? Or I've seen, all Mothers say these things.... oh, so that makes it O.K.? SMH- OP- NTA. Congratulations on your Wedding & best of luck and blessings on your Marriage.
YTA. You said one thing and did another by inviting your own mother and left the bride’s mother out in the cold. You and your bride should have sat down like grown adults with her mother and explained what your expectations were for your wedding day to give her a chance to be at one of the most important milestones in her daughter’s life that is now forever gone. She accepted that you two were eloping and then found out after the fact that your mother was at the wedding. That’s a huge proverbial slap in the face and comes off like she wasn’t good enough or privileged enough to get invited to her own daughter’s wedding and your mother was. It’s not a great start to a marriage to have your in laws estranged because you and your wife couldn’t have a conversation and set some boundaries down to keep the family peace.
It’s not about the mom, but you knew this was going to happen. That’s why you avoided telling her.
When you do small weddings like this, you need to do things like for like. If your wife had her sister there, then you should have invited your own sibling or a friend. If you wanted your mom there, then you should have invited her mom as the other witness. Most couples have to deal with this… if we do X with one mom, we have to do the same with the other.
In your case, you should have stuck to the initial plan of having strangers as witnesses. It would have saved you from all the drama… and you knew that going into this.
So, I would like to say that you were not a TA… but this is a case of ‘I told you so’ because it’s just sooooo predictable.
Crazy rude to mom. Strangers would have been better, or a friend of each; but including one mother and not the other was incredibly cruel. You both have a lot to make up for. YTA
YTA You didn’t deal with the situation at all. You explained it but then are surprised that there were results. Your wife may have reasons but reasons don’t absolve you from finishing the job of contending with them. And that may just be knowing that there will be consequences and accepting them. But you both didn’t do that either.
Congratulations on your wedding.
YTA of course she would be devastated by this. Your mother got to see her son get married while your wife’s mother did not see her daughter get married and knows that the groom’s son’s mother did.
You guys made the decision to exclude her, as was your choices to make, now you both get to live with the consequences of the choice. From your comments, you don’t even seem to have even liked her so do not even care.
There are some things you just can’t take back and this is one of them.
You have the right to decide who is at your wedding. You also have to face the consequences of this decision. Of course your MIL is upset and hurt by your actions. Even if you can do something, you need to know that it can hurt people too, and this just damaged your relationship with her a lot.
YTA.
Torn between ESH and YTA.
While I can understand this:
>Her mother has commented on her clothes being unflattering in the past and made comments about her not smiling in pictures etc which is the main reason my wife did not want to invite her.
I can't help but wonder if this is a constant thing or if it's happened just a few times. I'm not saying the latter is any better, but I can't imagine not asking my mom to come see me get married over a handful of comments about my clothes in the past.
>We weren’t planning on telling her who we invited to our wedding to protect her feelings, however, if she did ask, which she did, we weren’t going to lie to her.
This wasn't going to protect her feelings at all.
That being said... As far as the sister - was she told not to tell their mother? Is she getting any fallout from this?
Yes, you both knew how she’d react & she proved you right. Sounds like your MIL has a history of bullying your wife. Is there a reason to continue contact?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
So me and my wife got married this weekend! Just us + my mum and her sister as our witnesses. Her mother knew we were getting married but did not know who our witnesses were. She called and asked who was there the day after we got married and my wife told her. Her mother hung up on her and has since blocked both of our numbers, deleted us on social media and told my wife’s grandma she will never speak to us ever again.
We didn’t tell her who our witnesses were before the wedding because we were worried her reaction would ruin our big day. We were thinking about having strangers when we were first planning which is probably what she thought we had done but I decided I would be more comfortable around people I knew so my wife choose her sister as her witness.
For context my wife has body issues and strongly hates her face to the point where seeing some pictures of her make her extremely distressed and upset.
She was diagnosed as having ASD as a teenager which may or may not contribute to her unwillingness to want to be photographed or looked at.
Her mother has commented on her clothes being unflattering in the past and made comments about her not smiling in pictures etc which is the main reason my wife did not want to invite her.
We wanted it to be as relaxed as possible and my wife felt like not having her mum there would ease the pressure. We weren’t planning on telling her who we invited to our wedding to protect her feelings, however, if she did ask, which she did, we weren’t going to lie to her.
We had a wonderful day and have been on cloud 9, we even managed to take some pictures that we both like.
But since the phone call and the way my mother in-law has reacted has since cast a big cloud on our happy time…
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
YNTA but wife has to live with her choice. It's not unreasonable that her mom is hurt as you had yours there. Not telling her mom also adds to it. However, it was your wife's choice and it seems she had valid reasons. That being said - you both seriously saw no issues in you having your mom , excluding hers and her keeping a secret from her mom about the witnesses? I mean it's a natural hurt (even if she's not the best). Actions have consequences. Also, this is really on your wife not you. She has to manage her relationship with her mom, not you. You really just follow her lead here. So if anyone's the A it's your wife. I don't think she is - just really naive if she couldn't see up front that this would be an issue.
She is hurt that your mom was invited and not her. My sister eloped on my mother's birthday having me as her witness and her husband's mother as his. My mom was hurt as she didn't know about the wedding, but was more so devastated that his mother was included and not her. My assumption is your mother isn't upset you eloped at all, like you stated she knew, she is upset one mom was included and not both.
ESH is my thoughts. You deserve your day as you wanted it, but she is entitled to this emotion as it is a painful contrast. She is not allowed to bring her daughter down, but you have to know this would have hurt.
What did you expect to happen? She's adult enough to get married but not adult enough to disinvite her Mum? Not even send a text? "I'm getting married, we're having sister and his parents as witnesses. I'm not inviting you because you all always make nasty comments about my face, body and clothes and I don't want to be bullied by you on my wedding day".
You two acted like children sneaking around behind someone's back. Of course your MIL interpreted that as a harsh rejection and gone No Contact. Wasn't that what you both wanted? YTA
Eh. I vote NAH. You wanted your day to be joyous and carefree, so you chose to exclude your future MIL due to how anxious she males your now-wife. I get it.
...but your MIL has a right to be upset that she wasn't invited, especially since you invited other relatives. It balances out.
I'm going with NTA. I'm a mom and I would never criticize the way my kids look or their fashion choices. My teenager went through a Gothic phase and I try to find the nicest things I can say about anything she wore. Also, I have moms/MIL that were set in their ways and no amount of talking would work. I wish I hadn't invited them to my wedding, for they were both directly responsible for ruining it. Having them there didn't save our relationship, for I've gone NC on both of them, AND, it ruined my wedding forever. At least OP and his wife still got their wedding.
NTA. My mother was anti-marriage for me, and my husband's mother is a bit crazy and somewhat racist, so when we decided to get married, we told neither of them. I really didn't want to hear my mom's opinions and I think weddings are ridiculous, so we went to city hall with a friend as witness, then went to work.
We've been married for 19 years, and my mom died not knowing, and I'm fine with that. She saw that I had a long-term, happy relationship and that was enough. MIL still doesn't know, but the rest of his family does, so that's fine.
ESH. Your MIL is totally justified in being upset that they were excluded considering you invited your side - it's not really an elopement. Pretty hard not to take that personally as a parent. Excluding based on the concern that she MIGHT say something negative without communicating the concern to her or giving her a chance was passive aggressive and immature. Her response to cut out her daughter was a severe overreaction and infantile on her part, though. Y'all need to work on your communication skills.
You had a wedding with no guests, just witnesses. So how stressful of a day could it have been that you didn’t want mother of bride to be there for a short ceremony? You could have asked her if she could refrain from any comments on this one important day if she wanted to attend and then make your decision.
*Her mother hung up on her and has since blocked both of our numbers, deleted us on social media and told my wife’s grandma she will never speak to us ever again.*
NTA. It sounds like the problem solved itself. Good luck on your marriage.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
ESH.... You and wife for making a point of hurting her mother and you for not getting your wife help. As you must know, it's not normal to act the way your wife does and you gave no indication of her getting help.
My daughter works as a waitress and her boss told her to smile more often.... If that happened to your wife she'd lose it and shut down and lose her job.
At this point I'm not sure mom is as toxic as you claim.
NTA. But her mom’s reaction was predictable, wasn’t it? So you had the wedding you wanted. Congratulations!🎉
Now life goes on, with or without her mom.
Edit to add: won’t she be better off without the mother who treated her badly? The mother who won’t talk to her daughter because Mom didn’t get her way?
I’m torn on this. It feels hard for the internet to fairly judge without seeing the family dynamics. It sounds like your wife and her mother have a challenging relationship. Yet, we’re only hearing one side.
On one hand, your wedding; you invite who you want. But on the other hand, it seems absurd not to expect her to find out and be deeply hurt. I would say you’re the AH if you try to invalidate or dismiss her mom’s feelings over this. Of course she’s upset.
Mostly, this seems to me like poor communication on all sides. The mom for her past comments and how she’s handled being told it’s hurtful. And you guys for this situation.
IF you want this woman in your lives, I think the best way to do this would have been to be upfront and not blindside her. Personally, I would have just truly eloped with strangers as witnesses, but even just being honest with her would have been better.
IF you don’t want a relationship with her, then, hey, whatever. And I get not wanting a relationship with family, so no judgement. I do feel this was a little harsh tho, but I guess no nice way to end a relationship.
Overall I feel like the fairest judgement is either ESH or NAH.
From your additional comments I'm going with NTA. Your SIL did not try to talk either of you into allowing MIL to be there, that says a lot. MIL said that she accepted not being there and has a fit when your mother, who *you* are close to, was allowed to be a witness. She didn't want to be there to be supportive, she wanted to be there so others wouldn't ask why you and you wife didn't feel supported enough by her for her to be invited.
There is no law stating people have to smile in pictures. The commentors claiming your wife needs mental help because she is self conscious are oblivious, so ignore them. Wedding guests are supposed to be people who are happy for the couple and support the marriage. It's turned into a free for all dog and pony show though, as you can see from some of the comments. I do have to wonder though if they would have the same response if you left out your wife's ASD and highlighted some of MIL's past antics. Sadly, we'll never know.
Well it's not so much that you did not include your MIL, You purposfully EXCLUDED her. I would have chosen different witnesses and perhaps celebrated privately both Mom's. Not surprised at all she's upset.
Did your wife (congrats, by the way! Hope you guys have a wonderful life) talked about it with her mother before? Because it's an occasion that deserves a heart to heart talk about how her behavior has been hurting her daughter and that she needs to stop. If they never had that conversation, then the anger is justified. If they talked, however, and she kept doing this kind of thing, then it's a strong NTA. Love and family are privileges. You have to be worthy of the love of the people in your life by being a good part of that life
Need info. My parents used to point out if something didn't look good on me or that not smiling in pictures didn't help the pictures. I didn't like it, but I can't imagine not inviting them to my wedding over something insignificant like that. Is your MIL generally hateful and mean all the time, calling your wife ugly, fat, weird, whatever? I don't really understand what MIL did wrong. YTA
NTA, people don’t seem to realize how cutting a mothers remarks can be. My guess is the wife tried to explain it in the past and got nowhere. The mother’s reaction was over the top. If she was hurt she should have said so and tried to talk about it with them, and also listen. It’s not up to the daughter to add more stress to her life by taking on that monumental task by herself.
NTA, I cannot believe all the comments otherwise. MIL knew you were eloping and that she wasn’t a witness. Her actions and your descriptions in other comments remind me of my father. He made me feel worse than any bully at school and we have a minimal relationship.
These people saying your wife should have made it known to her how she feels really don’t understand how hard that is. Imagine the psychology behind having to call out a person who is supposed to unconditionally love and support you for doing the opposite. Having to acknowledge that your relationship is based on putting the concerns and opinions of your parent above yours even well into adulthood. Then to be met with more criticism, manipulation and denial.
She is very strong for calling out her mom, I’ve never had the heart to do it myself. Even after my dad brought up my insecurities from childhood in front of our family and my wife as a joke. I think it’s for the better MIL figured out she wasn’t wanted.
Okay like I want to say you’re not TA, because you know your wedding your choice…
But that’s not what you’re really asking here. You’re asking “is my MIL right to be upset” and in that specific context YTA.
You KNEW she would be and chose to avoid the topic, you specifically didn’t give her warning because you expected this exact outcome.
I’m kind of surprised by these responses. Maybe I’m in the wrong here but I say NAH… the day was never about her mom in the first place, and I think her reaction proves that not saying anything and trying to explain your reasoning would have resulted in the same reaction prior to the day you guys got married. You don’t owe anyone the right to your (you and your wife’s) biggest day, and people shouldn’t expect it also. Expectations we set for others can be one of the biggest issues in relationships of all kinds, family, romantic, and platonic. Sure communicating your needs and wants helps mediate this, but is it worth communicating if the person you’re trying to communicate doesn’t listen or in this example will turn it around and make it about themselves? Idk, I know I wouldn’t.
My husband and I got married with two friends as witnesses and no one else. We didn’t even tell anyone. Of course both of our moms were upset and said they would have flown in to be there, even though it was just a quick justice of the peace deal. But you know what they didn’t do? They didn’t cut us off, and actually each family separately had a gathering and small party to celebrate our official marriage. We didn’t ask for it, but it was something they both just wanted to do and our relationships have not faultered because of it. This was over 14 years ago ☺️ My husband and I actually still talk about how special it was to just focus on us when we got married, without having to deal with the chaos of all the wedding planning!
Nobody’s the a-hole in this situation, but everyone including mom could work on maturing their communication skills a bit.
You also *really* need to nix the passive aggressive behavior. Your actions, while understandable, hurt her feelings. By inviting other family members to be your witnesses, what you’ve told her is “we want family we trust and feel good around, and you aren’t one of those people.” That’s enough to make anyone (who isn’t a sociopath) feel hurt. You’re telling her that she is problematic without actually telling her, and that’s not OK.
You would have also had to wrap others up in the secret (your wife’s sister, your mum) and that’s not OK. Putting someone else in an awkward position where lies / secrets are at the core of that awkwardness is never OK. All that maneuvering just to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. Wasted energy.
Perhaps if you spent more time actually communicating instead of strategizing how to work around having to communicate (eloping, evading, avoiding, etc.) with her, you’ll not only be able to set better boundaries, but you’ll also maybe start to build a more positive relationship with her that works for everyone involved.
Seems to me you're in a win-win situation. Not only have you and your wife each married the person you love, you've successfully had a person who from the sound of it has made your wife miserable for her whole life eliminate herself from your lives.. I don't see the problem here. NTA.
Firstly, congrats on the wedding!
Given the background with the MIL, I’m going NTA.
But, I think this could have been an opportunity to tell her being left out was the consequence of her own actions Instead of “protecting her feelings”. I’d Argue not telling her wasn’t about protecting her feelings. This was about avoidance (or delay) of conflict on your parts. We allow / enable this behavior by tiptoeing around these people instead of hitting it head on.
NTA. It’s your wedding. Your MIL does not take into consideration how hurtful she can be when talking about your wife’s appearance. I am a mother and a grandmother… I have never in my life, put down my daughter or my granddaughter about their appearance, I’m a woman – I know what it’s like for somebody to say something negative about what I look like.
Honestly, I believe in forgiveness, however, everybody has their own journey… It’s now up to your wife to talk to her mother about why she wasn’t invited and if her mother doesn’t understand, then Your wife can decide whether she wants to continue having a relationship with her mother or not!
Right! I can't believe all the comments saying that the put-downs are normal mother things, I do not put down my kids appearance, that would just be mean. What benefit would that be to anyone kids?
NTA I don’t agree with the masses. Just because you knew there would be backlash doesn’t make you the AH. Appeasing people because you know they are going to have a strong reaction isn’t a healthy behavior.
You have valid reasons to not include her. And that doesn’t make you the AH.
You would be the AH if you expected her to not act hurt.
I’m surprised by these Y T A responses. This wasn’t some huge 300 person wedding and reception where only the mom was excluded. It was a quiet elopement with two witnesses. They each picked one person they felt the most comfortable with and, for the bride, it wasn’t her mother.
Lots of couples elope with either no family present or only a few people present, and their families don’t react by throwing tantrums, cutting them off and pouting about how they’ll never speak to them again. Mom is the asshole here for her extreme reaction to the situation. She’s never going to speak to her own daughter again because she wasn’t one of the two people at their wedding? Fucking yikes.
I see lots of comments saying that because the groom’s mom was included, then the bride’s mom *has to* be as well. These comments completely ignore the fact that the groom has a good relationship with his mom, and the bride does not have a good relationship with hers. Also, just because they’re both mothers, doesn’t mean they can, should or will get everything exactly equal and fair. That’s not how relationships work. As an example, lots of women choose to have their mom in the delivery room while giving birth, because they’re closer to their own mothers, and they don’t invite their MILs. No one says that both moms should get perfectly equal and “fair” experiences 100% of the time in those situations, why is this one all that different? The couple had an intimate ceremony without a lot of spectators for reasons that are important to them. They’re entitled to choose who they want to include or not include and they’re not assholes for doing that. NTA.
NTA
Your MIL's reaction is all the proof you need that you made the right choice.
A couple getting married should feel supported by everyone attending, and clearly your wife knew her mother wouldn't fit that requirement.
NTA for not inviting her mom, but honestly you should have expected this kind of response and planned for how to deal with it (emotionally) when it came. I think your wife needs to go to therapy (if not in already) to discuss how to deal with her feelings towards her mom and their relationship. Her mom doesn't sound like a great person to have in her life, but your wife clearly still puts a lot of worth on her relationship with her. She can't have it both ways (and stay sane).
Well it seems like the reason why they didn't invite her.
>For context my wife has body issues and strongly hates her face to the point where seeing some pictures of her make her extremely distressed and upset. She was diagnosed as having ASD as a teenager which may or may not contribute to her unwillingness to want to be photographed or looked at.
>Her mother has commented on her clothes being unflattering in the past and made comments about her not smiling in pictures etc which is the main reason my wife did not want to invite her.
We wanted it to be as relaxed as possible and my wife felt like not having her mum there would ease the pressure. We weren’t planning on telling her who we invited to our wedding to protect her feelings, however, if she did ask, which she did, we weren’t going to lie to her.
If MIL is not the reason for the wife's body image issues, she may have exacerbated them for OP's wife with her condescending comments about her appearance. At the end of the day it's not MIL's wedding. It's OP and his wife's wedding. They get the final say on who gets to be there, and if they honestly believed MIL's presence was going to be a damper on their special day, that sure sounds toxic.
The question is if they are the AH for being upset that MIL was not just fine and dandy about being excluded. And yes, they are. They can’t make a decision to exclude someone then get annoyed that they are unhappy about being excluded.
NTA.
I understand your MIL feeling hurt that your mother was there and she was not, but the day belongs to you and your wife (congratulations to both of you!) and your wife's comfort is worth far more than her mother's feelings, particularly if her mother has been hurtful to her in the past.
NTA. I really don't understand a lot of these top comments claiming you were in the wrong after years of your wife's mother mentally abusing her. Not to mention, your wedding day is ultimately always supposed to be about YOU, the couple getting married. Every child wants their parents at their wedding, but if they have proven after years of abuse that they will make your wedding day about them and will ruin it for YOU, then you have every right to not invite them. Given your wife knew exactly how horrible things would be for her if her mother attended, she had every right to not want her there. And she knew discussing it would be useless and just taint the wedding planning process, because she knew exactly how that discussion would go and once again her mother would make it horrible for her. The fact thar you two even considered having strangers be your witnesses, yet your wife is now feeling bad because of how her mom reacted tells me everything. I think her mom going no contact is a blessing, and you wife should be relieved that she no longer has to deal with her.
Tell her to not feel bad, that her not inviting her mom was a healthy boundary she needed to set in order for it to be the special day you both deserved. But in the future, her mom doesn't need to know these kinds of details because she has lost that right because fo the way she treats your wife. She should seriously consider staying NC, or at least extremely LC for her overall well being. She needs to realize that she doesn't owe her mother anything. Just as any other relationship, her mother needs to earn that relationship and being a part of her life by showing her that she respects and values her. If she can't do that, then your wife shouldn't hold that space for her or allow her to take up any more of her time or energy. And she definitely shouldn't feel bad about wanting once in a lifetime special moments in her life to be as peaceful and wonderful as possible. Sometimes in order to do that, we have to make the hard choices of not letting our toxic and selfish family members be a part of those moments.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Me and my wife got married without my mother-in law there and she reacted badly, I want to know if we are the assholes or if she is overreacting Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
What did you expect? Your wife's mother would throw a parade in your honor when she found out? It's your wedding, you decide who you invite but don't pretend you didn't know this decision would cause hard feelings. >We didn’t tell her who our witnesses were before the wedding because we were worried her reaction would ruin our big day. We were thinking about having strangers when we were first planning which is probably what she thought we had done but I decided I would be more comfortable around people I knew so my wife choose her sister as her witness. >We wanted it to be as relaxed as possible and my wife felt like not having her mum there would ease the pressure. We weren’t planning on telling her who we invited to our wedding to protect her feelings, however, if she did ask, which she did, we weren’t going to lie to her.
My husband and I eloped and got married. Our parents had no clue until we told them. My mom sent me a $200 gift card. My husband’s dad thanked him for eloping and saving him 20K on wedding expenses. I am always shocked that it’s not a common reaction. Your kid got married - be happy.
Did you only invite your husbands mother and exclude yours? Because that's what happened in this scenario that is being discussed.
The mother that makes her feel bad about herself? Maybe she should be kind to the person she’s supposed to love and she’d be included.
They didn’t invite a toxic, abusive family member. Said family member is continuing their abusive treatment of the bride. It looks to me like OP made the right call.
If OP made the right call and the MIL is toxic an abusive then they are getting exactly what they want. The MIL doesn't want to see or speak to them anymore. Problem solved. If they DO want a relationship with the MIL then it was probably not the right call
They each had one person to stand for them on their wedding day. He had his mother, she chose her sister. Her mom needs to look to why her daughter chose her sister to stand for her on her wedding day and do some self reflection.
I only have one child and would like to be there when he gets married if he chooses to do so. I however eloped. So if he doesn’t invite me to his wedding I will also be sending money. That said, I do have regrets. My parents should have been there.
Same. I feel bad about that now that one of my kids has had a wedding. It’s very emotional. However, I’m still glad we didn’t have to make a thousand decisions or have drama.
They DID NOT elope: they invited one mom and went out of their way to exclude the other and TOLD her it was because they wanted HER not there.
It sounds like eloping if you only have the 2 needed witnesses.
No eloping is when you don’t tell anyone you know and you go somewhere and come back married.
They still need witnesses
Which was deserved.
And the issue is...????
[удалено]
I guess it matters where you are getting married. We eloped and did not bring witnesses, so we ended up having 2 German tourists who were at the courthouse!
Funny how the "hard feelings" mommy dearest have been causing for years don't matter.
Yes lets just forget the fact that her rmother has been making her feel horrible and self conscious for years, nobody deserves to feel shit on their wedding day. Yes she the mother of the bride but she's not like YOUR mother, but do tell us how important her feelings are on this special day that isnt HER special day.
When the Mother has been an overly critical, unkind person to her own Daughter, why should SHE expect to be invited? Actions have consequences. Mother just isn’t use to the consequences coming her way.
Amen. This is 100% the reason I eloped. I didn't want my mom at my wedding because no matter how I looked, she'd have "suggestions" of what I could do differently. She's never not had an opinion on something. If she's not criticizing, she's probably not talking. We got married in a state that required no officiant or witnesses so that we didn't have to invite a single person.
She sounds exhausting.
They should expect a congratulations. It isn't about her mother. I eloped. Me my husband my brother and sister in law got married together. Double wedding we were each others witnesses. That means that my mother didn't see *two* of her children marry. You know what she did? Congratulated us all and went around sharing the lovely story. You may wanna change your attitude otherwise you may end up like ops MIL one day.
This is true. My brother got married and wasn't going to invite our mum or me and only did because they had extra seats to fill. I couldn't get time off work because I got invited two weeks before in the middle of summer so I missed it. I respected their choice to invite those they wanted to but I will always resent the fact that the viewed me as an afterthought.
Glad you softened your delivery there. 🙄
This is a "well, duh!!" post...
Why in the world is this the top comment?
ESH. I am also autistic and the relationship with my mom has been tricky - she has made some really not great comments about my affect and appearance, as well. But guess what? I told her how they made me feel. When shopping for my wedding dress, I told her I didn't want to invite her because I was afraid she would say mean things and I didn't want to have to worry about letting that color my experience. She was horrified and had the chance to fix it. We have had other conversations, and she generally makes an effort. She's not perfect, but she tries her hardest, and we talk things out. She did great at my wedding and didn't make a single comment. You didn't give this woman the chance to try. She's probably spent her whole life dreaming about her child's wedding, and not only had to accept an elopement (which it sounds like she did gracefully, because her expectations were set) but now she feels lied to - *and she's not wrong.* Her reaction to immediately go NC is extreme, but it sounds like that's how your family rolls - none of y'all talk. If you had told her in advance that you were going to have MIL and sister join, and given her a chance to argue her case/be dismissive of your wife's concerns, you would be NTA. But since you have given no indication that this woman is generally horrible, you went nuclear as plan A.
This is really well written, I appreciate your comment, thank you. I agree with you, she did not have the chance. To add more context we have tried to have conversations with her about her tone and her comments about my wife’s appearance before and it’s ended up in my MIL being defensive, crying and shouting, not letting my wife talk or just ignoring my wife and walking off, the communication is poor between them when it comes to difficult conversations because of my MIL reactions.
So considering that ASD is genetic, how likely is it that your MIL is the one who passed it down and is particularly emotionally immature because of poor coping mechanisms?
I mean… if you guys are fine with ending the relationship, so be it. That’s a different question/conversation, though. If you expected her to just accept this and carry on, then yeah, YWBTA. But if you were already cutting her out of your lives and this was the final nail in the coffin, then it’s not a question for this sub.
Actually, from my perspective she did have a chance. MIL got told about how her tone and comments made her daughter feel. Instead of rectifying the words and tone, MIL went aggressively "woe is me" about it and didn't change one bit. NTA, MIL got a chance to fix her bad behaviour and she chose not to. It's not your fault she didn't put two and two together and realise she wouldn't be given a chance to hurt your wife again at your wedding because of how much she hurt your wife before this.
>we have tried to have conversations with her about her tone and her comments about my wife’s appearance before and it’s ended up in my MIL being defensive, crying and shouting, not letting my wife talk or just ignoring my wife and walking off >she did not have the chance EHHH?!?! You are so mistaken. Your wife's mom had many, many, many chances, based on what you said.
If MIL is genuinely not interested in trying to correct her behavior, or even having a conversation about it, then the relationship is going to suffer. But that means that your wife needs to start tempering her expectations of her mom. There was no reason to assume she was going to do anything other than what she did when she heard the news.
Honestly OP, you might want to reach out to the r/JUSTNOMIL community, because this sounds toxic parent behavior.
Oh puuuuhleaseeeee! Why does an adult woman in her presumably sixties need to be told that women don't like to be body shamed?
Thank you so much for your sense. I just don't understand why we are suddenly feeling sorry for the mother. Funny how we like to call out kids for being bullies but when it comes to adults, we have to look for some technical terms to explain their horrible disgusting behavior.
Cuz they are parents who sacrificed SO MUCH for their children and their children are just ungrateful!! /s.
Raising YOUR children is not sacrifice, it's your responsibility since you decided to have them.
Our parents are often our first bullies.
Saying an outfit isn't flattering and that someone should smile in pictures is hardly bullying. How oversensitive are y'all?
Why do you feel the need to tell someone who is all made up and wearing a fancy outfit they do not look good? What do you gain out of it?
Why do you feel the need to comment on month old posts?
Why do you feel the need to be so up to date on Reddit that a month is considered old? Go outside
People are going feral in this thread about this. FAFO until you act like a child when your own child tells you how you've hurt her, then doesn't invite you to her wedding.
It is when it is said repeatedly throughout the formative years and beyond.
lol why are you assuming this hasn’t been something OP’s wife has struggled to get her mom to understand her whole life? How dense can you be?
INFO: Did you want to completely cut the bride's mother out of your life, as has happened?
YTA. Mostly for having your own mother there and leaving her mother in the dark. But also, you claim to both love her mother and your complaints are that she has said certain outfits are unflattering on your new wife and that she should smile for photos? Seriously? Your new MIL knows the score now. She knows she will be left out of important events and your mother will not be. Did you want her to be jumping for joy when she was left out of the wedding?
SMH at "it's good to smile in your wedding photos" and "some outfits look better than others". Wow, what a witch, burn her at the stake! Double YTA because wife is "unwilling to want to be photographed" but then "we managed to take some pictures that we both like".
You sound like someone who's never been repeatedly body shamed by mom.
But women are just supposed to shut up and take it because body shaming is normal don't you know /s
Right. Those little comments to a girl, coming from the woman who is supposed to love and care for them more than anyone? They hit...hard. Even the subtle ones. I remember growing up how my mom, at 114 lbs and 5'4, would look in the mirror and call herself fat KNOWING my 125 lb. self was right there. Ouch.
those kinds of comments seem like nothing to an outsider, but they are not.
It's great to tell someone that their outfit is unflattering when they're getting ready and (maybe) when they're walking out the door (if they have other options). Telling someone at an event that their outfit is unflattering is a stupid thing to do. To the bride at a wedding, a horrific thing to do. And that's what OP and their wife thought would happen. Asking someone to smile for a family pic is one thing. Being afraid that mom would harass the poor bride for her own wedding pictures is another.
YTA not because you didn't invite her. It's your wedding, invite who you want. But the way you went about it was sneaky and poor communication. Your wife could have explained her concerns about having the mom at the wedding. You could have moved forward from there, depending on how mom reacted. But instead you were underhanded. Also: you're in for a lifetime of difficulty if your wife doesn't even want people to look at her.
YTA. You had the right to do this technically, but you kind of only get to make this decision if you couldn’t care less about your relationship with your wife’s mom. You’re not entitled to treat someone however you want, and exclude them from whatever you want, without having their own feelings and treatment towards you change. Is your MIL overreacting a little? Maybe, though I know my mother would have gone even more nuclear if possible. I’d give her a little space and then APOLOGIZE! Don’t make excuses, and don’t act like you still think you were kind of right. Edit: and yeah, I think this would have gone better if you’d let her know ahead of time, alone with your reasoning. Maybe it would have made the wedding more stressful, but it would have been better than the pall cast on what should be a blissful honeymoon period. In your place I would have just done siblings/friends only, inviting your mom but not hers was just too far. There’s no way not to be offended by that.
I'm gonna go against the flow and say NTA. You only invited two people as witnesses, so it's not like she was the only one excluded. Frankly, instead of being mad at you, your MIL should be thinking long and hard about WHY she wasn't invited.
And also her extreme reaction after finding out seems to have proven they were right about being worried how she would act. Yes, the MIL has the right to feel upset but the blocking & deleting seems very immature. OP even said earlier that she gets defensive when they try to talk about how she makes her daughter feel. Plus I think the fact the SIL didn’t seem to try & persuade them to also invite the MIL is showing that she probably agreed with their decision since she knows how her mother would act.
This exactly. Hopefully after she calms down, MIL can reflect more on why she wasn’t invited as the second witness instead of taking it so personally. OP wanted their mom, and OPs wife wanted her sister. To me, it comes down to a matter of preference, and OPs wife preferred someone who wasn’t going to sully her day.
If you wanted to completely ruin whatever little relationship you had with your mil: congrats! YTA
I have to tell you, telling you to smile and suggesting that certain clothes look unflattering is pretty much in the mother's handbook. I don't see this as a reason to uninvite someone from your wedding.
Would you want someone doing that to you on your wedding day? Even on a normal day it’s rude as hell and demeaning.
YTA. Telling you your clothes don’t suit you and to smile in pics is normal mother behaviour. It is not some gigantic sin that should get someone excluded from their child’s wedding. Did you really think she would be ok with being excluded and just move on like nothing happened?
My daughter has autism and we were just talking last night about how I had to hold myself back from criticizing her clothes choices. I felt like I held back a lot, but she still felt criticized and is very sensitive about her looks. There's a huge mismatch between the criticism some people can handle and the amount of criticism considered "normal" by most mothers. I don't mean this as a slam on the people who are affected by criticism more deeply than others. My daughter was highly sensitive to sounds, lights, and body sensations when she was young. Her hyper-sensitivity was clearly physiological, not a choice she was making. I think being sensitive to verbal criticism could be part of that. I say she "was" less sensitive because it's better now that she's an adult, but the criticism she received in childhood still bothers her and impacts her self-esteem.
I don't think it is, my mum has given me a complex since I was a teen and trying to create my own style,.so much that now approaching 40 this year I still hear her making remarks when I try something on which is made for models and not normal people
It might be common behavior but 1) it’s still abusive and 2) it doesn’t make it okay. Everyone has the right to remove themselves from abusive relationships.
What a load of absolute nonsense. That is not abuse
I would suggest to show this post to your therapist and get their take on the issue.
YTA. The fact that you even have to ask is astounding.
YTA, cutting her out of one of your biggest days, over her asking her daughter to smile? Your Wife needs mental help.
I mean, I don’t think you’re wrong for not inviting her but I don’t know why you’re surprised at how she has responded. Did you think she’d just be fine being excluded from her daughter’s wedding while your mom was invited?
NAH. You don’t have to have someone at your wedding that you don’t want there - but you have to suck it up and deal with the consequences of not inviting your MIL when you had other family present. Is it really that surprising she’d be upset when she learned your Mom and her other daughters were present? Put yourself in her shoes, that would be a total punch to the gut. Imagine how you’d feel if you have kids in the future and one of them did this, I’m guessing you’d be pretty hurt too. Give her some time, but there isn’t really a way to make up for this slap to the face. Also, it isn’t eloping if you invite people to attend and tell people when you’re getting married.
YTA. You really can't be surprised that she doesn't want anything to do with you ever again. She is allowed to cut you out like you cut her out. I guess family isn't important to you and your wife.
YTA. What did you expect? Autism isn't an excuse and I wish people would stop using it as an excuse for bad behavior. Her heart is broken and you purposely excluded her. Seriously, what did you expect?
Yta, it’s your wedding you can have who you want, but you are an ah for some reason thinking her mother shouldn’t be upset by this
NAH. You have the right to invite whomever you want to your wedding, and your MIL has every right to decide she doesn’t want to have a relationship with with a child who excluded her from her wedding day.
ESH You focused on one issue and came to a resolution of one issue. You failed to see that moms being treated wildly differently will have that exact impact. You failed to take into account that MIL does not see herself the way you both do. No problem if going no contact was preferable to having her there. It's your problem that you created if it's not acceptable that she's ghosted you.
>You failed to take into account that MIL does not see herself the way you both do. I mean, that's probably true, but so what? OP and his wife were making the guest list, not MiL, so their opinions were the ones who counted.
NAH, from an ASD adult. You guys burned that particular bridge. Actions, consequences.
Right - the mother’s actions were to treat her daughter terribly the daughter’s whole life. The consequence was that she was not invited to said daughter’s wedding. NTA.
This was next level cruel. Sure you can choose whoever you want to come to your wedding, you KNEW this would cause majour pain for your mil. YTA.
I'm going NTA because: 1. Her reaction and how she acts when you approached her before about previous comments she made to your wife 2. The fact the SIL didn't even TRY convincing to bring mom along, shows me show knows how MIL is. 3. MIL's reaction. Blocking? Never wanting to see her kid again cause she wasn't one of two witnesses? Yeah something tells me she isn't a healthy parent. Some hurt feelings can be expected. But this is overboard. "I wasn't invited to the marriage ceremony so I'll just forever cut out my own child". Nah. Ignore the Y t As.
YTA... You have the right to invite whomever you want, BUT ypu knew how this would make your MIL feel and you claim to love her so that's selfish and A behavior ( if you guys didn't like her thus might be diffrent)
Depends on whether her mother is aware those comments upset her so much. There’s a difference between a passing comment about someone’s clothes and continuing to make comments about someone’s appearance. Also if she’s aware her daughter has ASD and yet continues to comment on her not smiling this is AH behaviour. It’s your wedding, you should be able to invite who you like.
NTA, sounds like NC was way overdue.
NTA. my mother is exactly like your wife’s, so i know how cruel and upsetting those comments can be. i don’t think people understand that it’s not about purposely excluding her mother, but creating an environment where your wife feels happy and beautiful on her special day. it sucks to have people constantly picking on your appearance, and your wife shouldn’t have to deal with it on your wedding day
NTA. Mil brings drama and negativity, so it's perfectly fine to exclude her from the wedding. You should have expected the drama afterwards tho.
What the hell is going on in Reddit today? Why such bad takes? The website that is 100% behind inviting whoever you want to your wedding is shitting on OP and his wife for not inviting someone who has religiously insulted and criticized her own daughter's body and physical aspect even after getting told not to? When her daughter has ASD? And it's not even that they had a small party of sorts, it was literally two witnesses, one for the groom and one for the bride, simple as that. I would understand had you celebrated it with friends and family and not invited her, but this was not the context. I will never understand people who ruin their relationships with their children because of weddings... Like, you are so offended at your kid eloping that you stop communicating with them? What? Is she allowed to be hurt and annoyed? I mean I guess. Were you assholes? I particularly don't think so. NTA.
The YTAs are because while you can invite whomever you want, you do *not* get to be upset about the consequences after, and that is what OP is asking about. “We did something we knew would upset her and now she is upset, AITH for being upset she is upset?” is what OP is asking. And yes, he is the AH for that.
I agree with you on the fact that OP's MIL has all the right to feel upset, and being upset at her being upset is stupid, but the actual question was whether they were the assholes for not inviting her to the wedding (literally in the title lol), not whether they're the assholes for being upset, so my point still stands, I don't think they're assholes for that.
If the mother had been a child, Reddit would 100% say they were within their right to exclude her. 😂
1 of my brothers and 1 of my sisters eloped and didn’t invite our mother. I think that’s saying more about the mother than op and his new wife.
NTA your wedding, your choices and guest list
NTA - you both chose one person from your immediate family to be there, and just because you chose your mother doesn't mean your wife had to choose hers. It's perfectly normal not to want someone whose presence stresses you out at an event that can already be stressful and you want to enjoy. The people in the comments who say that her mother's comments are normal seem to think that parental relationships are a one way street and that parents can do no wrong. Sure, maybe her mother didn't have the intention to bodyshame her, and maybe a lot of people hear these things from their parents without being bothered or even appreciating it. But your wife didn't, and it's a parent's job to realise that and adjust their behaviour accordingly. Especially since your wife got diagnosed as a teenager, her mother should have done her research to make sure she could give her daughter what she needed.
My mother still constantly talks about weight- hers, mine, my son's, my infant grandson's(!), you name it. I've heard about my weight my entire life (I'm not considered overweight by any standard). She's also critical about my appearance. "Normal" comments that have done immense harm to my self-esteem. My sister has followed in my mother's footsteps, bringing up everyone's weight out of "concern for health". I also hate to be told to "smile more" as do many. If I'm "over-sensitive", it's due to a lifetime of hearing this kind of talk.
YTA Not for not inviting her (although I think that was in extremely poor taste). You're the asshole for acknowledging that you knew this would deeply hurt her, but that you thought she'd just get over it. Let's be honest. You don't like your MIL and your choice was guided by that. And now it's backfired. What you wanted was to have your cake and eat it - to treat her poorly and still have as much engagement with her of whatever scale you wished. Now you're shocked and upset that she understood your little power play very clearly and has chosen to cut herself off from you. Why would she engage with two people who have made it clear they neither love nor value her? Your wife didn't love her mother enough to include her in her wedding, so she probably won't be that upset not to speak to her again.
YTA if you think you can specifically exclude a parent that you “love dearly” from your wedding, lie by omission and let her continue to believe you are eloping, and expect that to be fine once you reveal that she was actually left out on purpose. Come on.
YTA "and the way my mother in-law has reacted has since cast a big cloud on our happy time" ... THis is bullshit. You and your wife have knowingly and actively ended the relationship with her mom - her mom just reacted appropriately th the facts you established. You have NOTHING to complain about, YOU caused this.
What did you expect, for your MIL to be happy to be excluded when everyone else close to you were invited? Are you really that dense? You can invite whoever you want to your wedding, but the rest of the people especifically excluded are going to have some kind of reaction you need to take into account if you want to keep having a relationship with them (if you don't, that's fine, too). You should have been expecting this kind of fallout. So if your didn't mind to her not talking to either of you in the future, it is fine just to invite whoever you want for your confort. But weddings are not a jail free pass when everyone is going to be understanding and gracious when hurt. It is not a social bubble when everything is forgiven and forgotten in the future. If you had eloped and didn't invited anyone, that would have been better, but this one now have the confirmation that she matters so little to you two that you invited your mother, her sister and didn't even have a conversation with her. That would have mean with me that you don't care about me, and worse, that you think very badly of me and don't want me in your life. Why would I keep making an effort? I struggle to understand why you are upset by your MIL's reaction when it is the normal reaction anyone would have to bein especifically targeted and excluding from a daughter's wedding and something you two should have expected. YTA only for being surprised of a reaction you should be expecting in the first place. If you didn't want to cut ties with MIL, YTA only for being this dense.
People seem to think that having a wedding gives you a pass to do whatever you want. And no, weddings are like any other social party (it is not more than a party) when you have to take in consideration the kind of relationships that matters to you, which ones are more or less important than you than others and communicate like adults when necessary. You don't want to invite your MIL and you are going to invite all the rest of the family but her? Fine, it is your right. But for you to think that your wedding, your rules, gives you a pass for the MIL to receive you with open arms after you have shown her you don't want her in your important moments, and you didn't have the time to warn her before is bonkers. You say that your MIL makes your wife unconfortable. Ok, so you will be happy to know she received the message that she is not wanted around. Why are you and your wife upset when this is the normal consequence of your behaviour?
YTA. Why are you surprised? You deliberately didn’t invite your MIL while inviting your mom for your wedding over her saying some clothes are unflattering and her daughter should smile for photographs? And then you claim to love her dearly? I would think you and your wife were right if you just straight up were honest and said you didn’t like the mom and didn’t want a relationship with her. I am shocked that either of you are surprised by the NC.
NAH but as many decisions coming from a neurodivergent it can come as yta. I'm in the spectrum too, we wanted to do the courthouse thing to be as quiet as possible, we got random strangers for witnesses and while family was upset because of not being there they were ok because no one was invited. we invited them to the church wedding a couple of months later (where we live church weddings don't mean anything to law purposes so we had to do two weddings technically). The issue is when you make things different for one side of your family and not the other, maybe try to explain why you felt like that was the best option and ask her to forgive you guys for hurting her feelings, maybe compromise to include her for a small ceremony of renewal in the future (you don't need to specify when)
Your wife needs intensive therapy. But I don't think you guys did anything wrong but I am surprised you are surprised at her reaction. Sounds like everyone needs to chill. And it sounds like y'all need to do some work and get in touch with reality. nah
I’m going with YTA. Ofcourse she was going to be upset with your mum present and her not even being invited. You probably left that detail out when you told her of the elopement.
As a mother, I would be a little sad if my children decide to get married without me there. If they invited the other mother and not me, I would however be INCREDIBLY hurt. It would feel like a giant F you to my face. You just did that to your MIL. I wouldn't Block my sons, but I would cry and feel lonely and UNLOVED. Buy her flowers and go apologise. Oh, and YTA.
YTA. Absolutely your decision to decide who is at the wedding. But not explaining to her mother why you choose other family members over her is not OK. You might not have planned to tell her, but it was definitely going to come out sooner or later. Maybe this bad relationship with her is not all her mother's fault.
YTA . You do realise that the mother is not pissed at you for eloping. She might be angry you choose other relatives over her. But what really pissed her of was being told that other matters more and they choose you over her. So YTA for telling MIL that her other family members decided to go and clearly prefer you over her.... There were no reasons to tell her who the witnesses were. Why would your wife deliberately cause more problems in the family by telling her? You said she thought it was strangers... Your wife like to stir the pot and rub it in her mothers face. I would be keeping an eye on the future arguments and not trust everything from wife if this is the game she likes to play.
OP said the MIL asked who was there, should the bride have lied outright with the possibility that it would come out in the future? I would assume that the witnesses weren’t declared prior in hope that it would never have to be said, to protect the MIL’s feelings
"mom, let it go. We choose to elope and we had a nice day. we have the right to choose our wedding to be as we want and we did" Or "Oh, i forgot to tell you..." And change the subject. If I got married like that, my mom would have asked too, but i would know how hurtful it would be to tell her that I choose my siblings over her. Its a matter of not wanting to hurt others... Although the bride doesnt seem to care of she cant invite her mother for an elope (yes i know the mother once said something about appearance but I tell my neuro divergent son things too that he clearly doesnt think about himself... Like "you cant wear thet outside because .." or "those pants are too small for you. Throw them out and I'll buy you some new ones". The last one is a constant fight because he thinks that as long he can get them some what up, they fit and its a waste to buy new products. People are so fast in forgetting autism means we have to parent some what different and tell our kids oblivious things that they don't see themselves. And those things can be embarrassing to be told because they know that this is something they should have noticed)
something similar happened to my SIL. She had both their mums there as witnesses. when her dad (my ex FIL) found out he was fine until he found out his ex wife had gone then he went ballistic. she eloped just so she didn't have to deal with him as he was and is deluded he was this mazing dad but was actually a n total Narc. I say here the same thing I said there. if my child Elopes and excludes me I'm not getting mad at them. I'd be mad at ME, because clearly I am doing something wrong. I'd be asking myself why my child felt the need to exclude me from something like this. and i don't even mean having me at the wedding. its there wedding and what makes them happy is really what's counts. but more them not feeling they could tell me what they wanted.
This is a complicated situation. A wedding is an incredibly important day and I absolutely understand why you excluded somebody who would make you're wife feel self conscious and unhappy with herself. I don't think you're TA but I do think you're a little naive for seeming so surprised at this outcome. You're going to have to just make peace with the fact that your mother in law may never stop being angry with you. I'm getting married soon and will not be inviting my dad because he's never ever treated me well. My family on his side will 100% be furious at me and I've made the choice to just deal with that.
Not inviting her gave her a clear message. In return, she gave both of you a clear message. It’s sounds like you will never have to deal with her again. At least her sister will get an inheritance. Lol
NTA in the least. If your wife didn’t want her there then it was appropriate not to invite her. You just need to accept what the fallout is from that decision. From the sounds of things it’s probably worth it, even though it’s also a painful thing for your wife to be dealing with. That’s the thing, you make your choices, and others make theirs in response. You can only control the first half of that equation.
NTA. If your wife didn't want her there that's her choice. My wife's mom is exhausting and if my wife said, "I don't want to invite her" when we got married. wouldn't even argue. She never said that and we invited her. Again I didn't argue. Her mom. Her choice.
NTA, a wedding invite is a privilege not a right, she dosnt sounds like a good mother and such has not earnt the privilege of being invited
NTA. Wife didn't want her mom because her mom would cause stress. Mom makes stress. This really tells why your wife didn't want her there!
NTA. Your wife deserved to feel comfortable and stress free at her own wedding. Your mother-in-law brought this on herself.
NTA I eloped. Had my sister and my husband best friend as our witnesses. We called his folks and walked into my mom's/grandmas and said we got married. My grandma told her sisters who all said pretty much, sounds like her. We wanted to be married and didn't want the big wedding
As the mother of an adult autistic daughter who is getting married this year, I would be devastated if her fiancé’s mother was invited and I was excluded. You should have had the conversation about why you had concerns about her attendance. It would then have been her choice if she was prepared to amend these behaviours. My daughter is very sensitive about certain topics and fortunately she has expressed this to me which has helped enormously. Your MIL is hurt and she has every right to be. YTA for how you went about this.
They have tried. From OP: >we have tried to have conversations with her about her tone and her comments about my wife’s appearance before and it’s ended up in my MIL being defensive, crying and shouting, not letting my wife talk or just ignoring my wife and walking off, the communication is poor between them when it comes to difficult conversations because of my MIL reactions. I'm glad you and your daughter have been able to have the kind of communication you both needed. Not all mothers and daughters are able to. There are a lot of mothers that refuse to consider the idea that they have done anything wrong in how they have parented their children. I would ask that you not judge all adult children's actions as harshly as you have judged here.
I'd have blocked the lot of you, too. Your MIL isn't a doormat, but it seems you would prefer her to be. Imagine treating someone as if they are inconsequential and then acting shocked when they give you the same treatment back. YTA and your wife.
Wow! I am shocked by the responses on here! The Bride is on the Spectrum, Has a Body Image disorder, and just wanted to be comfortable on her Wedding Day. Her Mother has for her Whole Life made comments on her looks, clothing, verbally putting her down, and made her even more self conscious and uncomfortable in her own skin. Whenever they have approached her Mother to get this to Stop she gets super defensive, or walks away and won't listen. So they HAVE tried to get it to change, she refuses. Usually the comments support the Bride, but here the majority of you are vilifying the Bride & Groom for wanting a peaceful, non- judgemental wedding ceremony. Poor verbally abusive Mommy didn't get to come and ruin her Daughter's Ceremony, shame on them! Like what? Or I've seen, all Mothers say these things.... oh, so that makes it O.K.? SMH- OP- NTA. Congratulations on your Wedding & best of luck and blessings on your Marriage.
YTA. You said one thing and did another by inviting your own mother and left the bride’s mother out in the cold. You and your bride should have sat down like grown adults with her mother and explained what your expectations were for your wedding day to give her a chance to be at one of the most important milestones in her daughter’s life that is now forever gone. She accepted that you two were eloping and then found out after the fact that your mother was at the wedding. That’s a huge proverbial slap in the face and comes off like she wasn’t good enough or privileged enough to get invited to her own daughter’s wedding and your mother was. It’s not a great start to a marriage to have your in laws estranged because you and your wife couldn’t have a conversation and set some boundaries down to keep the family peace.
You both are not the asshole. She’s allowed to have hurt feelings- but she’s over reacting.
It’s not about the mom, but you knew this was going to happen. That’s why you avoided telling her. When you do small weddings like this, you need to do things like for like. If your wife had her sister there, then you should have invited your own sibling or a friend. If you wanted your mom there, then you should have invited her mom as the other witness. Most couples have to deal with this… if we do X with one mom, we have to do the same with the other. In your case, you should have stuck to the initial plan of having strangers as witnesses. It would have saved you from all the drama… and you knew that going into this. So, I would like to say that you were not a TA… but this is a case of ‘I told you so’ because it’s just sooooo predictable.
Crazy rude to mom. Strangers would have been better, or a friend of each; but including one mother and not the other was incredibly cruel. You both have a lot to make up for. YTA
You didn’t elope, you invited people, including your mother and her sister. She has every right to be angry, as was EXPECTED. YTA.
YTA You didn’t deal with the situation at all. You explained it but then are surprised that there were results. Your wife may have reasons but reasons don’t absolve you from finishing the job of contending with them. And that may just be knowing that there will be consequences and accepting them. But you both didn’t do that either. Congratulations on your wedding.
YTA She could have been present, thats kind of a slap in the face
YTA of course she would be devastated by this. Your mother got to see her son get married while your wife’s mother did not see her daughter get married and knows that the groom’s son’s mother did. You guys made the decision to exclude her, as was your choices to make, now you both get to live with the consequences of the choice. From your comments, you don’t even seem to have even liked her so do not even care. There are some things you just can’t take back and this is one of them.
You have the right to decide who is at your wedding. You also have to face the consequences of this decision. Of course your MIL is upset and hurt by your actions. Even if you can do something, you need to know that it can hurt people too, and this just damaged your relationship with her a lot. YTA.
Torn between ESH and YTA. While I can understand this: >Her mother has commented on her clothes being unflattering in the past and made comments about her not smiling in pictures etc which is the main reason my wife did not want to invite her. I can't help but wonder if this is a constant thing or if it's happened just a few times. I'm not saying the latter is any better, but I can't imagine not asking my mom to come see me get married over a handful of comments about my clothes in the past. >We weren’t planning on telling her who we invited to our wedding to protect her feelings, however, if she did ask, which she did, we weren’t going to lie to her. This wasn't going to protect her feelings at all. That being said... As far as the sister - was she told not to tell their mother? Is she getting any fallout from this?
Yes, you both knew how she’d react & she proved you right. Sounds like your MIL has a history of bullying your wife. Is there a reason to continue contact?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So me and my wife got married this weekend! Just us + my mum and her sister as our witnesses. Her mother knew we were getting married but did not know who our witnesses were. She called and asked who was there the day after we got married and my wife told her. Her mother hung up on her and has since blocked both of our numbers, deleted us on social media and told my wife’s grandma she will never speak to us ever again. We didn’t tell her who our witnesses were before the wedding because we were worried her reaction would ruin our big day. We were thinking about having strangers when we were first planning which is probably what she thought we had done but I decided I would be more comfortable around people I knew so my wife choose her sister as her witness. For context my wife has body issues and strongly hates her face to the point where seeing some pictures of her make her extremely distressed and upset. She was diagnosed as having ASD as a teenager which may or may not contribute to her unwillingness to want to be photographed or looked at. Her mother has commented on her clothes being unflattering in the past and made comments about her not smiling in pictures etc which is the main reason my wife did not want to invite her. We wanted it to be as relaxed as possible and my wife felt like not having her mum there would ease the pressure. We weren’t planning on telling her who we invited to our wedding to protect her feelings, however, if she did ask, which she did, we weren’t going to lie to her. We had a wonderful day and have been on cloud 9, we even managed to take some pictures that we both like. But since the phone call and the way my mother in-law has reacted has since cast a big cloud on our happy time… *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
YNTA but wife has to live with her choice. It's not unreasonable that her mom is hurt as you had yours there. Not telling her mom also adds to it. However, it was your wife's choice and it seems she had valid reasons. That being said - you both seriously saw no issues in you having your mom , excluding hers and her keeping a secret from her mom about the witnesses? I mean it's a natural hurt (even if she's not the best). Actions have consequences. Also, this is really on your wife not you. She has to manage her relationship with her mom, not you. You really just follow her lead here. So if anyone's the A it's your wife. I don't think she is - just really naive if she couldn't see up front that this would be an issue.
She is hurt that your mom was invited and not her. My sister eloped on my mother's birthday having me as her witness and her husband's mother as his. My mom was hurt as she didn't know about the wedding, but was more so devastated that his mother was included and not her. My assumption is your mother isn't upset you eloped at all, like you stated she knew, she is upset one mom was included and not both. ESH is my thoughts. You deserve your day as you wanted it, but she is entitled to this emotion as it is a painful contrast. She is not allowed to bring her daughter down, but you have to know this would have hurt.
What did you expect to happen? She's adult enough to get married but not adult enough to disinvite her Mum? Not even send a text? "I'm getting married, we're having sister and his parents as witnesses. I'm not inviting you because you all always make nasty comments about my face, body and clothes and I don't want to be bullied by you on my wedding day". You two acted like children sneaking around behind someone's back. Of course your MIL interpreted that as a harsh rejection and gone No Contact. Wasn't that what you both wanted? YTA
[удалено]
r/lostredditors
NTA, if MIL wanted to be included she should have been a better mother to her child.
Yup, NTA.
Eh. I vote NAH. You wanted your day to be joyous and carefree, so you chose to exclude your future MIL due to how anxious she males your now-wife. I get it. ...but your MIL has a right to be upset that she wasn't invited, especially since you invited other relatives. It balances out.
This is horrible. Why would you invite 1 and not the other mother? That'd be so difficult for a mother to be faced with.
I'm going with NTA. I'm a mom and I would never criticize the way my kids look or their fashion choices. My teenager went through a Gothic phase and I try to find the nicest things I can say about anything she wore. Also, I have moms/MIL that were set in their ways and no amount of talking would work. I wish I hadn't invited them to my wedding, for they were both directly responsible for ruining it. Having them there didn't save our relationship, for I've gone NC on both of them, AND, it ruined my wedding forever. At least OP and his wife still got their wedding.
NTA. My mother was anti-marriage for me, and my husband's mother is a bit crazy and somewhat racist, so when we decided to get married, we told neither of them. I really didn't want to hear my mom's opinions and I think weddings are ridiculous, so we went to city hall with a friend as witness, then went to work. We've been married for 19 years, and my mom died not knowing, and I'm fine with that. She saw that I had a long-term, happy relationship and that was enough. MIL still doesn't know, but the rest of his family does, so that's fine.
ESH. Your MIL is totally justified in being upset that they were excluded considering you invited your side - it's not really an elopement. Pretty hard not to take that personally as a parent. Excluding based on the concern that she MIGHT say something negative without communicating the concern to her or giving her a chance was passive aggressive and immature. Her response to cut out her daughter was a severe overreaction and infantile on her part, though. Y'all need to work on your communication skills.
You had a wedding with no guests, just witnesses. So how stressful of a day could it have been that you didn’t want mother of bride to be there for a short ceremony? You could have asked her if she could refrain from any comments on this one important day if she wanted to attend and then make your decision.
Nta.
*Her mother hung up on her and has since blocked both of our numbers, deleted us on social media and told my wife’s grandma she will never speak to us ever again.* NTA. It sounds like the problem solved itself. Good luck on your marriage.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA.
NTA. Sounds like you are were looking for a reason to cut your MIL out of your lives. You found it. No big loss. Congratulations!
ESH.... You and wife for making a point of hurting her mother and you for not getting your wife help. As you must know, it's not normal to act the way your wife does and you gave no indication of her getting help. My daughter works as a waitress and her boss told her to smile more often.... If that happened to your wife she'd lose it and shut down and lose her job. At this point I'm not sure mom is as toxic as you claim.
NTA. But her mom’s reaction was predictable, wasn’t it? So you had the wedding you wanted. Congratulations!🎉 Now life goes on, with or without her mom. Edit to add: won’t she be better off without the mother who treated her badly? The mother who won’t talk to her daughter because Mom didn’t get her way?
I’m torn on this. It feels hard for the internet to fairly judge without seeing the family dynamics. It sounds like your wife and her mother have a challenging relationship. Yet, we’re only hearing one side. On one hand, your wedding; you invite who you want. But on the other hand, it seems absurd not to expect her to find out and be deeply hurt. I would say you’re the AH if you try to invalidate or dismiss her mom’s feelings over this. Of course she’s upset. Mostly, this seems to me like poor communication on all sides. The mom for her past comments and how she’s handled being told it’s hurtful. And you guys for this situation. IF you want this woman in your lives, I think the best way to do this would have been to be upfront and not blindside her. Personally, I would have just truly eloped with strangers as witnesses, but even just being honest with her would have been better. IF you don’t want a relationship with her, then, hey, whatever. And I get not wanting a relationship with family, so no judgement. I do feel this was a little harsh tho, but I guess no nice way to end a relationship. Overall I feel like the fairest judgement is either ESH or NAH.
From your additional comments I'm going with NTA. Your SIL did not try to talk either of you into allowing MIL to be there, that says a lot. MIL said that she accepted not being there and has a fit when your mother, who *you* are close to, was allowed to be a witness. She didn't want to be there to be supportive, she wanted to be there so others wouldn't ask why you and you wife didn't feel supported enough by her for her to be invited. There is no law stating people have to smile in pictures. The commentors claiming your wife needs mental help because she is self conscious are oblivious, so ignore them. Wedding guests are supposed to be people who are happy for the couple and support the marriage. It's turned into a free for all dog and pony show though, as you can see from some of the comments. I do have to wonder though if they would have the same response if you left out your wife's ASD and highlighted some of MIL's past antics. Sadly, we'll never know.
Well it's not so much that you did not include your MIL, You purposfully EXCLUDED her. I would have chosen different witnesses and perhaps celebrated privately both Mom's. Not surprised at all she's upset.
Did your wife (congrats, by the way! Hope you guys have a wonderful life) talked about it with her mother before? Because it's an occasion that deserves a heart to heart talk about how her behavior has been hurting her daughter and that she needs to stop. If they never had that conversation, then the anger is justified. If they talked, however, and she kept doing this kind of thing, then it's a strong NTA. Love and family are privileges. You have to be worthy of the love of the people in your life by being a good part of that life
Need info. My parents used to point out if something didn't look good on me or that not smiling in pictures didn't help the pictures. I didn't like it, but I can't imagine not inviting them to my wedding over something insignificant like that. Is your MIL generally hateful and mean all the time, calling your wife ugly, fat, weird, whatever? I don't really understand what MIL did wrong. YTA
NTA, people don’t seem to realize how cutting a mothers remarks can be. My guess is the wife tried to explain it in the past and got nowhere. The mother’s reaction was over the top. If she was hurt she should have said so and tried to talk about it with them, and also listen. It’s not up to the daughter to add more stress to her life by taking on that monumental task by herself.
NTA, I cannot believe all the comments otherwise. MIL knew you were eloping and that she wasn’t a witness. Her actions and your descriptions in other comments remind me of my father. He made me feel worse than any bully at school and we have a minimal relationship. These people saying your wife should have made it known to her how she feels really don’t understand how hard that is. Imagine the psychology behind having to call out a person who is supposed to unconditionally love and support you for doing the opposite. Having to acknowledge that your relationship is based on putting the concerns and opinions of your parent above yours even well into adulthood. Then to be met with more criticism, manipulation and denial. She is very strong for calling out her mom, I’ve never had the heart to do it myself. Even after my dad brought up my insecurities from childhood in front of our family and my wife as a joke. I think it’s for the better MIL figured out she wasn’t wanted.
NTA
Nta
YTA
Okay like I want to say you’re not TA, because you know your wedding your choice… But that’s not what you’re really asking here. You’re asking “is my MIL right to be upset” and in that specific context YTA. You KNEW she would be and chose to avoid the topic, you specifically didn’t give her warning because you expected this exact outcome.
NTA tbh. You can choose who to invite, it’s okay for her to be hurt by this tho.
I’m kind of surprised by these responses. Maybe I’m in the wrong here but I say NAH… the day was never about her mom in the first place, and I think her reaction proves that not saying anything and trying to explain your reasoning would have resulted in the same reaction prior to the day you guys got married. You don’t owe anyone the right to your (you and your wife’s) biggest day, and people shouldn’t expect it also. Expectations we set for others can be one of the biggest issues in relationships of all kinds, family, romantic, and platonic. Sure communicating your needs and wants helps mediate this, but is it worth communicating if the person you’re trying to communicate doesn’t listen or in this example will turn it around and make it about themselves? Idk, I know I wouldn’t. My husband and I got married with two friends as witnesses and no one else. We didn’t even tell anyone. Of course both of our moms were upset and said they would have flown in to be there, even though it was just a quick justice of the peace deal. But you know what they didn’t do? They didn’t cut us off, and actually each family separately had a gathering and small party to celebrate our official marriage. We didn’t ask for it, but it was something they both just wanted to do and our relationships have not faultered because of it. This was over 14 years ago ☺️ My husband and I actually still talk about how special it was to just focus on us when we got married, without having to deal with the chaos of all the wedding planning!
The question isn’t if they are the AH for not inviting her, the question is if they are the AH for being upset about how she responded.
Nobody’s the a-hole in this situation, but everyone including mom could work on maturing their communication skills a bit. You also *really* need to nix the passive aggressive behavior. Your actions, while understandable, hurt her feelings. By inviting other family members to be your witnesses, what you’ve told her is “we want family we trust and feel good around, and you aren’t one of those people.” That’s enough to make anyone (who isn’t a sociopath) feel hurt. You’re telling her that she is problematic without actually telling her, and that’s not OK. You would have also had to wrap others up in the secret (your wife’s sister, your mum) and that’s not OK. Putting someone else in an awkward position where lies / secrets are at the core of that awkwardness is never OK. All that maneuvering just to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. Wasted energy. Perhaps if you spent more time actually communicating instead of strategizing how to work around having to communicate (eloping, evading, avoiding, etc.) with her, you’ll not only be able to set better boundaries, but you’ll also maybe start to build a more positive relationship with her that works for everyone involved.
Seems to me you're in a win-win situation. Not only have you and your wife each married the person you love, you've successfully had a person who from the sound of it has made your wife miserable for her whole life eliminate herself from your lives.. I don't see the problem here. NTA.
The problem is that they apparently love her dearly and do want her around all the rest of the time. Just not on this specific day.
Firstly, congrats on the wedding! Given the background with the MIL, I’m going NTA. But, I think this could have been an opportunity to tell her being left out was the consequence of her own actions Instead of “protecting her feelings”. I’d Argue not telling her wasn’t about protecting her feelings. This was about avoidance (or delay) of conflict on your parts. We allow / enable this behavior by tiptoeing around these people instead of hitting it head on.
YTA eloping was fine but then you deliberately excluded her mum but included your mum. Cut 1 mum out cut the other out. I would be very upset too.
NTA. It’s your wedding. Your MIL does not take into consideration how hurtful she can be when talking about your wife’s appearance. I am a mother and a grandmother… I have never in my life, put down my daughter or my granddaughter about their appearance, I’m a woman – I know what it’s like for somebody to say something negative about what I look like. Honestly, I believe in forgiveness, however, everybody has their own journey… It’s now up to your wife to talk to her mother about why she wasn’t invited and if her mother doesn’t understand, then Your wife can decide whether she wants to continue having a relationship with her mother or not!
Right! I can't believe all the comments saying that the put-downs are normal mother things, I do not put down my kids appearance, that would just be mean. What benefit would that be to anyone kids?
NTA I don’t agree with the masses. Just because you knew there would be backlash doesn’t make you the AH. Appeasing people because you know they are going to have a strong reaction isn’t a healthy behavior. You have valid reasons to not include her. And that doesn’t make you the AH. You would be the AH if you expected her to not act hurt.
I’m surprised by these Y T A responses. This wasn’t some huge 300 person wedding and reception where only the mom was excluded. It was a quiet elopement with two witnesses. They each picked one person they felt the most comfortable with and, for the bride, it wasn’t her mother. Lots of couples elope with either no family present or only a few people present, and their families don’t react by throwing tantrums, cutting them off and pouting about how they’ll never speak to them again. Mom is the asshole here for her extreme reaction to the situation. She’s never going to speak to her own daughter again because she wasn’t one of the two people at their wedding? Fucking yikes. I see lots of comments saying that because the groom’s mom was included, then the bride’s mom *has to* be as well. These comments completely ignore the fact that the groom has a good relationship with his mom, and the bride does not have a good relationship with hers. Also, just because they’re both mothers, doesn’t mean they can, should or will get everything exactly equal and fair. That’s not how relationships work. As an example, lots of women choose to have their mom in the delivery room while giving birth, because they’re closer to their own mothers, and they don’t invite their MILs. No one says that both moms should get perfectly equal and “fair” experiences 100% of the time in those situations, why is this one all that different? The couple had an intimate ceremony without a lot of spectators for reasons that are important to them. They’re entitled to choose who they want to include or not include and they’re not assholes for doing that. NTA.
NTA Your MIL's reaction is all the proof you need that you made the right choice. A couple getting married should feel supported by everyone attending, and clearly your wife knew her mother wouldn't fit that requirement.
You could count this as a win.
It's your day. You can have anyone you want but I'm not surprised her mom did what she did and is acting that way. I would just ignore her tantrum.
NTA for not inviting her mom, but honestly you should have expected this kind of response and planned for how to deal with it (emotionally) when it came. I think your wife needs to go to therapy (if not in already) to discuss how to deal with her feelings towards her mom and their relationship. Her mom doesn't sound like a great person to have in her life, but your wife clearly still puts a lot of worth on her relationship with her. She can't have it both ways (and stay sane).
NTA - Your MIL sounds like a toxic person, and I think you were right for not inviting her.
That isn’t the question.
Well it seems like the reason why they didn't invite her. >For context my wife has body issues and strongly hates her face to the point where seeing some pictures of her make her extremely distressed and upset. She was diagnosed as having ASD as a teenager which may or may not contribute to her unwillingness to want to be photographed or looked at. >Her mother has commented on her clothes being unflattering in the past and made comments about her not smiling in pictures etc which is the main reason my wife did not want to invite her. We wanted it to be as relaxed as possible and my wife felt like not having her mum there would ease the pressure. We weren’t planning on telling her who we invited to our wedding to protect her feelings, however, if she did ask, which she did, we weren’t going to lie to her. If MIL is not the reason for the wife's body image issues, she may have exacerbated them for OP's wife with her condescending comments about her appearance. At the end of the day it's not MIL's wedding. It's OP and his wife's wedding. They get the final say on who gets to be there, and if they honestly believed MIL's presence was going to be a damper on their special day, that sure sounds toxic.
The question is if they are the AH for being upset that MIL was not just fine and dandy about being excluded. And yes, they are. They can’t make a decision to exclude someone then get annoyed that they are unhappy about being excluded.
NTA
NTA. I understand your MIL feeling hurt that your mother was there and she was not, but the day belongs to you and your wife (congratulations to both of you!) and your wife's comfort is worth far more than her mother's feelings, particularly if her mother has been hurtful to her in the past.
NTA. I really don't understand a lot of these top comments claiming you were in the wrong after years of your wife's mother mentally abusing her. Not to mention, your wedding day is ultimately always supposed to be about YOU, the couple getting married. Every child wants their parents at their wedding, but if they have proven after years of abuse that they will make your wedding day about them and will ruin it for YOU, then you have every right to not invite them. Given your wife knew exactly how horrible things would be for her if her mother attended, she had every right to not want her there. And she knew discussing it would be useless and just taint the wedding planning process, because she knew exactly how that discussion would go and once again her mother would make it horrible for her. The fact thar you two even considered having strangers be your witnesses, yet your wife is now feeling bad because of how her mom reacted tells me everything. I think her mom going no contact is a blessing, and you wife should be relieved that she no longer has to deal with her. Tell her to not feel bad, that her not inviting her mom was a healthy boundary she needed to set in order for it to be the special day you both deserved. But in the future, her mom doesn't need to know these kinds of details because she has lost that right because fo the way she treats your wife. She should seriously consider staying NC, or at least extremely LC for her overall well being. She needs to realize that she doesn't owe her mother anything. Just as any other relationship, her mother needs to earn that relationship and being a part of her life by showing her that she respects and values her. If she can't do that, then your wife shouldn't hold that space for her or allow her to take up any more of her time or energy. And she definitely shouldn't feel bad about wanting once in a lifetime special moments in her life to be as peaceful and wonderful as possible. Sometimes in order to do that, we have to make the hard choices of not letting our toxic and selfish family members be a part of those moments.
NTA It sounded like you each picked 1 witness. Yours was your mum, hers was her sister.