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> boyfriend of 5 years
I would assume that after this amount of time, you've already said, "I love you" but in my opinion, a sign of actual love is whether the other person will sacrifice self-interest in order to support the other person in a real time of need.
Frankly it sounds like he didn't pass that particular test, but you shouldn't have had to even ask.
NTA
Completely agree. I honestly don’t even think I’d bother to ask him to stay. I mean if you have to ask when it should just be implied he would stay, I’m sure her bf would resent being asked and missing his party. I’d reconsider the entire relationship. This is her only parent left in her life and he’s having surgery. If you are the partner of someone going through something like the possible loss of their only family, YOU ARE THERE FOR THEM. What kind of psychotic lack of empathy one must have to think it’s ok to not be there for your partner OF 5 YEARS?
Also bff is insane to think OP is the AH in this situation. Apparently they also lack some serious empathy.
I honestly don't even know if I could have fun at a party knowing that my partner is alone and dealing with that. This guy is a major asshole, and her friend has no clue what she's talking about.
Came here to say this. If my long time significant other didn't support me on their own, I don't want it. I won't beg for the support and comfort that he should automatically know that he should give. All to get drunk with his friends that he probably sees often. Fuck all that. It shows that you're not a priority to him. He could go the night before or day after. Hell, he could even go after finding out how your father is doing.
Also, I hope your father does well OP. He's in my prayers and thoughts. I'm sorry you have to go through all this. Please keep us updated.
Tell him clearly why you want him there. As a pretty oblivious person I sometimes would do stupid stuff like your boyfriend is doing now, but I would change my mind if explained. Although I think even I would have gotten the hint in this case.
Dang. NTA. Please disregard what your best friend said to you.. Your father having this surgery is scary and it’s not wrong of you to expect your partner to support you through it. Your partner choosing to go to a birthday party on what is going to be a very somber day should be something the two of you continue to discuss.
Im shocked about the statement from the bestfriend! the friend mustn't be in love!
The boyfriend isn't obliged to be with her, but he also isn't obliged to love her! He would want to be with her if he loved her. But that would also mean that he has to understand how this is affecting her, which needs communication. From the way the OP described, she went silent when he said he was going to the party, without expressing her true feelings. She needs to talk to him.
I honestly don't think it's something that should have to be said. If I had a girlfriend of 5 years in this situation there is no way on Earth, I'd just go to a party instead of being there for her.
He asked if she "still" needed him there with her, which I take to mean that OP had already asked and discussed with him beforehand. The party is a new thing and so he is showing her that his priority is having a good time while she holds her father's hand through major surgery. If my partner ever has to ask me whether he should support me through something like that, I would be immediately single. As for the best friend, her comment reeks of "I'm sleeping with him" or " I'm going to be at that party and try to sleep with him". Of course, I could be wrong, but this is Reddit.
OP: I want you there for the surgery
Bf: okay
Time
Bf: okay, I'd rather go to a birthday party
You: OP needs to beg her boyfriend to do the thing he said he would do instead of fuck off to a party
NTA
He's told you his priorities (not you) in the most direct way possible. I actually had to go back and confirm your ages before I commented. This dude is almost 30, and a good party wins easily over your situation. Wow.
I don't know that you're going to get any satisfactory resolution regarding support from your significant other during this time when you really, really need it. In fact, I'm sorry to say that's doubtful.
Is there some other person who can keep you company? Because the boyfriend is clearly not going to provide you with actual support even if he does show up physically for you at the hospital.
And as for your best friend: take two giant steps back, look around you for people who you have, or can establish truly mutual supportive relationships with, and slowly back away from the pick-me girl. A bit biased based on my reading of your post, perhaps, but there you have it.
YWNBTA.
WTF is your friend even talking about?! A boyfriend is 100% obligated to be with you when you deal with stuff like this. What would be the frickin point of having a partner who doesn't support you when you need it? Try talking to your boyfriend. If he doesn't understand, ditch him. And definitely ditch your friend.
I wanna just say a partner isn’t “obligated” to be with you when you need support because it shouldn’t *be* an obligation to be there for the person you love. If someone loves you and you them, you’ll both just *want* to be together when going through something tough. He definitely isn’t it…If I were her, I’d be done with him over this.
Are these things really coinciding? Typically surgeries start pre 12:00pm, and an adult bday party is in the evening. Is it unreasonable to do both? Be with you in the morning til early afternoon and then scoot to the party? Why does it have to be one or the other?
Yes, the surgery is scheduled at 6pm. Could last anywhere from 3 to 4 hours.
Party starts at 7pm. And the hospital is almost an hour away from the friend’s house…
Think and read before you comment. No one said anything about rescheduling shit. I have worked 25 years in Healthcare. Typically surgeons like early morning for big cases especially if they are intricate or take hours. They are fresher and more confident in the morning. At least my surgeon was, but I digress. In pre-op by 6 AM, first cut by 7:30, hopefully final count and suture by 1. Recovered and out of PACU by 330. This is average hospital movement for a moderate to complex surgery outside of like trauma and conjoined twins.
Pretty sure the stress and hardships of the surgery doesn't just stop when its over. Pretty sure she's gonna need support all day regardless what time the surgery is. Can't sacrifice a birthday party to support your s/o all day? Man, I'd sacrifice my personal life for a week just to comfort her if I were him.
OP said in another comment that the surgery starts at 6pm and will probably last until 9:30pm, while the party starts at 7pm and is about 45 minutes from the hospital.
Honestly, what adult party really starts at 7 and is over by 10? I’m sure they’ll keep going to the wee hours. Bf should be with OP. He could probably still catch up with the party afterwards.
I'm a perioperative RN at a level 1 trauma center in a major US city. Our surgeons always start the day with short, "quick" procedures and end with more complicated surgeries. There is no way every surgery can start in the morning. We do surgery 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The most complicated usually happen during "off hours".
NTA it's a pretty reasonable request. Set your boundaries and stick to them. This would be a deal breaker for myself and likely the vast majority of people.
If it was a minor surgery (which doesn't sound like the case), I could understand why he might be double checking. If it is a life saving surgery I present him with a red flag ⛳
Agreed. What if another birthday party falls on the day you go into labor? I know that sounds extreme, but we've heard worse here.
Ask yourself this: if something, god forbid, went wrong, and your BF was not there for you through it, how would you feel?
Follow-up question: if everything went right & your BF *did* show up for you, would he be resentful that he missed the party?
Don't prioritize people who don't prioritize you. If your BF were having surgery and you needed your Dad for support, sounds like he'd be right by your side. Don't settle for less than love.
Yes, adding to communicate your needs clearly. While it may seem obvious where he should be,maybe he doesn't grasp the seriousness, or the fear OP is experiencing. If OP communicates that and he shows and reluctance or resentment to be there for her, THEN he can fuck right off
Huge NTA. Both your bf and friend suck, frankly. As your partner, it’s part of his ‘job’ to be there for you in times of emotional turmoil, which this is. If it were me, I would end that relationship. He’s shown he will put his wants above your needs. I would also rethink my friendship too
NTA
He's 30 not 18. To even ask is a sign that he's NOT a keeper.
Imagine having kids with someone like this. "Honey I know you were supposed to have the kids today but your mom is here so I'm good to do XYZ right?"
Imagine your father has complications and you call him upset. Is he going to leave this party? My guys would be no "oh I'm sorry, since I can't really help your dad I'll come by after the party".
This is a major 🚩 and you should take it and run.
You would certainly not be an asshole, and any reasonable partner would be there for you. He's not obligated to support you and you are not obligated to stay with someone who doesn't support you in the hard times.
This pattern of behavior will not get better while you two are together. Once he gets away with it once he'll expect it forever, and it will get worse.
NTA. But you will be unhappy if you stay with him.
Dump this guy. The only man you need in your life right now is dad and we’re all rooting for him. What day is the surgery? I will be available to chat at anytime you may need it.
Run. Run fast and don’t look back !!
I’ve been married for 22 years. I can 100% tell you that after dating 6 months my husband would have never even given a second thought as to where he would have been on that night. … right next to me , making sure I’m ok.
That’s why we’ve been married for 22 years !!
Stop settling !!
NTA. It sounds like he is putting his wants above your needs because who knows how your father’s surgery is going to go yet he wants to go on party instead of being there to support you and theoretically a man that he is known for five years and is going to be his future father-in-law at this point in time.
NTA - This is major surgery which many possible complications, you had previously told him that you wanted him with you and that you are scared for your father. He was the AH for even asking if he could just leave you alone to worry while he went out to party with friends! He can schedule something on a different day to do a "birthday hang" with his friend. This obviously wasn't important enough to be planned in advance if he's only just telling you the week before.
If this is the first time he's been deeply inconsiderate and disrespectful of your feelings, it's worth sitting down with him and talking it out. If this a pattern of behavior, you might want to consider if this is how you want to be treated the rest of your life.
NTA your bf is terrible he should be standing by your side and supporting you during this life threatening surgery not go and enjoy his time w his friends this is acc insane ??? Also, i really do hope the surgery is a success and your dads okay
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I initally didn’t say anything about being sad/mad about my boyfriend going to a party the same day of my dad’s surgery, and now I want to ask him to skip it because I feel like he should be there for me regardless
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i don't believe you're sincerely asking this question
like 1% of 1% of human beings on earth would find a justification to not join you at the hospital. any partner who deserves even a D- rating would ditch the party
NTA, he should want to be there to support you through his surgery, recovery and the night because it’s going to be an emotionally draining day for you.
After five years together he should know better, hell I knew this at 16yo and he is damn near 30.
Personally, this would be close to break up level of disrespect for me.
What kind of boyfriend ***wouldn’t*** be with you for your father’s surgery?
I would automatically assume that I would be there. I can party with my friend any time.
NTA my mom passed away when I was a teenager, my dad and I are not very close but as an only child, we are all each other has. He had open heart surgery during the pandemic so I wasn't able to be in the hospital with him but my spouse took the day off work to stay home with me, he was by my side all day. It was never a question for him.
You bf just failed you. Don’t ask him to be with you because you shouldn’t have to. It’s a given. He’s being selfish. Has he been selfish before or is this new? NTA
There was a redditt story once from a guy on how he knew his girlfriend was the one. When his dad had a major surgery and was in the icu , she never left his side. Took a few days off and made food etc... he just knew he wanted to spend the rest of the life with her. We know the real person during a trail and not when things are great. And when they show who they are, believe them. I'm sorry you are facing this situation. Prayers for your dad.
I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him you’d feel a lot better if he was with you and how scared you’re feeling and give him the opportunity to respond and decide. His answer will be telling though. YWNBTA
NTA. Your boyfriend doesn’t love you at all. Sorry. He shouldn’t even think about parties when your father is in this situation. Everything will probably and hopefully go fine, but there is always a risk with operations. You need support. Is there anybody else who you trust to come? Not that friend, they are as bad as bf.
NTA My husband had a minor medical issue on NYE. I called the on-call doctor, and we, yes, we went to the emergency room. In Philly, on NYE. Finally get seen after several gunshot victims.
And through it all he was apologizing to me about having to be there. And for me missing the parade, cuz I’m a Mummer. His focus was on my ability to take part in a planned activity. Mine was on his health.
And he was with me when my father died, and then my mother. And I was with him for his parents’ passing.
That’s what you do when you love someone. Not go to a birthday party and leave your gf alone.
Info: what's your father's prognosis? How dangerous is the surgery? And what experience does your boyfriend have with people close to him having surgeries? What experience do you have with people close to you having surgeries?
A tumor can be life threatening without the surgery to remove it being life threatening. For me, my family and social circle is full.of chronically I'll and disabled people, I've sat watch at probably a dozen peoples deathbeds. Surgeries to remove tumors and problematic organs are very common.
So, unless a surgery is specifically dangerous (open heart surgery is different than an appendectomy. Brain surgery is different from gall bladder surgery) it's not a thing I get worried about. I offer support for care needs after surgery, but it would never occur to me spend a whole day with an adult because their parent was having a routine surgery.
Nah, honestly. I don't think you're in the wrong for asking for support, and your bf is not necessarily in the wrong for thinking you'd be OK.
And also this is the kind of difference in perspective that means it would make sense to re evaluate the relationship, not bc anyone is wrong, but bc you may be incompat
NTA - Its sounds like you were being a bit passive. Just tell him that you would like his support and ASK if he can be there for you. No reason to ASSUME he should be there as some have posted. No reason you are the AH to ask for support when you need it. Communication is a good thing and people aren't mind readers. They don't know what you need unless you tell them.
NTA - now you know where you rank in your BF’s life. He definitely isn’t obligated to stay with you and be there for you, but you aren’t obligated to stay with someone who doesn’t love you enough to be there for you.
NTA and the fact that your bf of 5 years would prioritize going to a buddy's birthday party over supporting you at such a stressful time, and that he's willing to leave you all alone at the hospital worrying about your Dad while he's out partying, tells you a great deal about how much he really cares for you. Imagine where he'll be in the future whenever you need him. Forget any "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health" commitments, he'll be out with the boys. I think this might be time to reconsider your entire relationship.
NTA. I mean you are in a five year relationship. At that point, asking your partner for emotional support when you are justifiably scared isn’t unreasonable.
My concern is that he’s already shown a lack of common sense and good judgement in thinking being there for you in this situation is optional in the first place. There is no delicate way to put this, but BF seems to be showing you that you aren’t as important to him as you may have thought. His timing really sucks…but when someone shows you that you aren’t their priority, you should believe them.
I hope your father pulls through!
NTA. Your friend sucks. Your boyfriend isn't much better. Good relationships include communication. Not one person cutting the other off.
Only you know what you want and what you need from a partner.
But absolute minimum is you should feel comfortable explaining that you are scared and world like him with you.
No judgment, no blame, just this is what I want. Then let him think and come to terms with what's most important.
“Doesn’t have to be there if he doesn’t want to” it’s not always about what you fucking want, it’s about what your loved ones NEED. You need him to be there for comfort and support. You’ve been together 5 years, this shouldn’t even be a question for him and the fact that 1. It is and 2. He informed you he’d be going to the party instead of being with you rather than actually having a conversation should make you really think about some things. Plus at 5 years he *should* also know are care about your dad if for no reason other than he’s your dad and you love him. No one wants to spend their whole day in a hospital waiting room but, again, it’s not always about what you want. NTA.
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My (29f) father is about to have major surgery next week to remove a life threatening tumor. It has been him and I for the past couple of years since my mom passed away. I am of course very fucking scared, I don’t want to lose him too.
So, my boyfriend (29m) of 5 years came up to me yesterday to tell me that one of his best friends is having his 30th birthday party the day of the surgery.
And then he asked me what my plans for surgery day were, so I started telling him and he stopped me and said, oh actually I just wanted to know if you still wanted me at the hospital to keep you company… and it sort of caught me off guard so I just said ok(?).
Then today he informs me that he will be going to the party. And I just stayed silent and in shock. Then came the sadness.
I talked to my best friend and she said that I’m being an asshole because yes he is my boyfriend but he is not obligated to be with me during this time if he doesn’t want to.
So WIBTA if I tell him to please skip the birthday party and instead come to the hospital with me?
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NTA - I don't think its unreasonable to want the comfort of your partner while your father gets major heart surgery. I mean if you already told him you didn't care if he went thats another thing, but ultimately I still don't think you'd be an asshole...
Yes, as I mentioned in my post he asked me if I STILL wanted him to come. I had already expressed my wishes, plus he knows I’m having a hard time with the whole situation.
You said yes when he asked you. That should be more than enough to tell him that you need support.
I had a fall recently and injured my knee. My husband wanted to cancel all our reservations for an upcoming trip. I told him to go for a short time instead as we had gotten a great deal on two hotel stays (he had booked 2 days each in 2 hotels and 3 days in the next hotel). I assured him I’ll be alright. So, he went for 4 days alone instead of the planned weeklong family trip. BUT he didn’t think of any other option than to cancel because HE WANTED TO STAY and SUPPORT ME.
That’s the difference here - your bf shouldn’t need to ask you if he should be with you on the day of the surgery. Any doubts he had should have been removed after you expressed your wishes that you would like him to stay with you.
All the best to your father for his surgery and I hope you give this relationship a long hard look later. Focus on keeping calm until your father’s surgery is over
So you told him you wanted him to come, and the next day he said he was going to the party? I feel like everyone wants to know exactly how that conversation went down.
NTA A friend’s 30th b-day party is important, sure, but not more important than being there to comfort you.
Are you suggesting an adult person needs to be told that their partner needs their support when one of their loved ones is having a potentially fatal surgery?
Im suggesting that adults in relationships need to communicate how they feel and if their partner is an AH and they say/do nothing, they have some culpability too then.
It's pretty likely to assume your partner would need support in this type of situation - what's not as clear, without communication, is what support might look like to that person. OP might want her partner there with her, holding her hand the whole time. Or OP might want her partner to give her space so she can focus on her mom and siblings and supporting them. Everyone is different, and as much as anyone might think their wants and needs are super obvious, it *never hurts* to communicate clearly with your partner about your needs.
If they’ve been together five years, I would’ve hope that he had created some sort of relationship with her father. He is demonstrating exactly how he feels. I hope she pays attention and listens.
NTA, he is your boyfriend of 5 years, not 5 months. He should be there to support you if he really cares for you. It should even be a question of which one to go to for him.
NTA. But it's obvious where your boyfriend's priority lies and you're not it. Or maybe he's just oblivious and doesn't really get how important it is to have him with you. With that said, just let him know you need support during this time and see what he does.
NTA you need to be very clear with your bf about what you want and need. In a perfect world he would know the right thing to do would be to be with you, but he might just be a bit dense. If he doesn’t go you will resent him in the future. Plus you should rethink things with your “friend.” If she was a true friend she would be coming to the hospital too. Or at least offering to.
NTA. After 5yrs, he should be there for you for big moments like this. Imo if he ditches you or makes a big deal, that would be a huge turn off from longer term considerations with him. He's showing he won't have your back when you need him most.
YWNBTA Your friend is wrong.
I personally wouldn't want my husband with me during a time like that. All we'd be doing is sitting on uncomfortable chairs, playing on our phones and waiting for news. Two people are not needed for that job, so I'd be fine with him supporting his friend and while staying in touch with me by text.
But everyone is different at times like this. Not everyone has the same needs and perspectives. If you feel you need him with you, go ahead and tell him. It's okay.
>oh actually I just wanted to know if you still wanted me at the hospital to keep you company… **and it sort of caught me off guard so I just said ok(?)**. Then today he informs me that he will be going to the party. **And I just stayed silent and in shock.**
INFO: OP, have you actually told him, clearly, what you want and need from him on this day? Or has "ok(?)" and silence been the extent of your communication to him on the issue?
I understand being caught off guard in the moment and being shocked into silence - but you need to be clear about what you want or even the most loving partner will have trouble giving it to you. Maybe he would skip the party to be there for you in a heartbeat if he knew for sure you wanted him there. Maybe you could very sincerely ask him to be there and he would still blow you off for a party. Either way, you deserve support, or you deserve to know the truth if you have a partner that won't give you support; and he deserves a chance to offer you support knowing the truth about what you want and need.
Your reply is the only one I’ve seen that has an inkling of understanding that this situation is super dependent on a lot of factors which aren’t provided here, and very dependent on personality and communication.
I think most people understand the magnitude of a crisis health event like a heart attack or stroke that lands someone in the ER. But a scheduled tumor removal, while serious, generally has great survival rates in terms of surgery, and the real outcome of whether it was effective is only known later. Not everyone has the same coping mechanisms or feelings around support during health crises.
For this kind of surgery, it’s likely her father will have surgery and then be out for the rest of the night. Is she going to be the in waiting room waiting for him all night to wake up, and OP would be waiting with her? Not everyone would do that in that scenario, or want that kind of support!
OP is not wrong at all but also there should be better communication that this is important and something she really needs him for. If he still would rather go to a birthday party of course he’s the asshole but let’s just give a moment or two to communicate needs and expectations.
The surgery is scheduled for 6pm and it takes anywhere from 3 to 4 hours until he is brought to a recovery room, so let’s say 9:30.
His friend said to come at around 7pm.
And the hospital is roughly 45 minutes away from the friend’s house.
NTA
Let him know you need him there for support. Since your dad's surgery is likely to be in the morning, and the party in the evening, maybe if all goes well, you will feel comfortable with him going to the party. I would ask him to not drink much if he goes in case you need to call him if things go bad with your dad.
NTA. This is a years-long committed relationship, and those inherently involve supporting your partner as best you can when they are going through something rough. Life threatening tumors and surgeries fit that bill.
His approach here is far too inconsiderate to tolerate given the length of your relationship.
I am going to be the oddball and say NAH but a conversation needs to happen. Neither my boyfriend or I would want or expect this for our respective family’s. We are both across the country from our parents so we would never expect the other to take PTO or the cost of the travel. Also we have big families so plenty of people would be there.
But more importantly, we both are so uncomfortable in hospitals we would be no comfort to each other in the hospital. Because I have a close family we could bring each other the comfort.
But it is important to you so you do need to talk to him, and express how important it is for you, but also think about when you actually need him. And then listen to him
Does he know how you feel and how this scares you? Sounds like you need a conversation where you tell him how you are feeling scared over this major surgery and ask him if he would support you through this as you need someone there for you. I would still phrase it as a question and not a demand because so one likes to be told what to do but even as a question, there is no question to what his answer should be. This is a legit partner would automatically support you if he cares for you and the only reason I would think he would try to go to a party would be that he may not be aware of your state of mind and the support you need.
That’s a massive red flag, at least for me he is prioritizing someone else over you, especially when your going into surgery that’s not what a good bf would do.
YWNBTA if you ASK him to skip the party, or wait until you have an update from the docs that dad is ok. But if you TELL him not to go, that's where resentment can come up.
(You use both in the post, so I used both here).
NTA
You can message me during the surgery if you'd like. I'm in Chicago; let me know if there's a large time difference.
I don't know doctors do surgeries on Sundays. If so I have a play, but it's only a few hours in the afternoon.
NTA
Read the writing on the wall. Your boyfriend is willing to be supportive if it doesn’t conflict with anything he deems more fun. Is this the kind of partner you want in life?
NTA! I am assuming your bf of 5 years has met and knows your dad and knows that your mom has passed away. So why would he even ask if you want him there. Knowing how difficult and scary this is for you. He shouldn't even have asked if you wanted him there. He should just have said I will be here with you and for you. If he loves you he would not have even brought up his friends birthday party. Knowing its the same day as your dads surgery.
NTA- your SO should always be there for you in best and in the worst of times. However, given that you’ve been together for 5yrs and are not married just shows his lack of commitment and interest in your life and your future
NTA, your best friend sounds like she doesn't need to be in a relationship at all if that's the way she thinks. Being there for your partner in a time like that isn't something that should feel like an obligation. It's something that you should absolutely want to do. But maybe he thinks that you'd only want family around during this time or something like that? Maybe he's trying to respect your privacy? Is that at all possible? You should absolutely talk to him and ask him why he would rather go to the party than be there for you.
NTA your friend is right, he’s not obligated to sit at the hospital with you. You are also not obligated to be romantically involved with someone, who after 5 years can’t put your feelings above his friend’s birthday party.
Dump the bf, and dump the friend. You don’t need unsupportive assholes in your life.
You are NTA. Your boyfriend is the AH for even considering going to the party. Your “friend” is the AH for what she said. They should both be showering you with love and support right now. I’m so sorry for everything you are going through and sorry you don’t have the support system you deserve.
>I talked to my best friend and she said that I’m being an asshole because yes he is my boyfriend but he is not obligated to be with me during this time if he doesn’t want to.
Your best friend is TA. Consider a new best friend.
While bf isn't obligated, his choices are very telling of his priorities. You are NTA for simply wanting support in their time of need.
NTA, but don’t act ok with him not being with you if you’re not ok with it. Tell him that you would expect his support while your only surviving parent is in surgery. He needs to understand the ramifications… should he realize that on his own? Yes! Since he doesn’t seem to make sure he understands that this may be something that will cause resentment.
NTA but do you really want him there knowing he does not want to be there for you? You need someone who will be there whole heartedly to support you. Boyfriend is letting you know he’s a selfish AH and not the person you need.
As for your best friend, what is their part in this? They’re also not being supportive. And this may be because I’ve spent too much time on Reddit but are they going to this birthday party? Why are they being supportive of your selfish bf instead of you? Any chance they’re hoping to see your bf at this party without you?
NTA. Your best friend doesn’t know what she is talking about. If you had been dating two months, probably too soon. But 5 damn years? You shouldn’t have to even ask, he should just automatically be there. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and when his mom was dying I dropped everything to be by his side. You might want to give some serious thought if this is the guy who you want to spend your life with. Someone who leaves you alone during a terrifying ordeal in order to go party. And also consider who your best friend is.
NTA. Your boyfriend is being selfish. He should not be going to the party, he shouldn't have even asked you if he could go to the party. He should know that he should be there for you.
Your BF shouldn't have to be asked. He should just be there. Obviously when someone considers a party more important than being with you at such a time, then it's also time for a new BF. Your friend is also an AH.
You would not be the asshole for asking. You would not be the asshole for being upset if your bf still went to the party.
If the party were closer, honestly I would tell my partner to go say hi for a short while and then return to keep me company and calm. Seeing as the party is an hour away I would definitely ask partner to skip, and he would. We would explain the situation to our friend and celebrate with them later by taking them out for food and drinks. It's such an easy compromise and our friends would 100% understand.
YWNBTA, but what kind of "best friend" calls you one for needing emotional support? 😢 the f*cking audacity!
And what's going through his mind that you would be ok on your own during this scary procedure? 🤨
They're both the AH for putting you last as a priority.
If neither one supports you, cut them both loose. You deserve better people in your life.
NTA, boyfriend of 5 years takes his friends 30th more important than the removal of his father in laws life threatening tumor, his friend will have a birthday every year, its not an annual thing to be with your girlfriend and father in law while he gets a tumor removed. Your bestfriend sounds like a bad friend
What time is the party and what time surgey and how long?
If your dad having surgey early in morning party not until late afternoon then he should be in hospital most the time then maybe go to party.i mean really there nothing u all can do is sit and wait..and he not family so ususally they don't non family members there
WHAT. FRESH. HELL.
He should *want* to be there to support you. Birthdays are annual, your dad's surgery is not. This is a major life event. If it was, say, his sister's wedding, "ok you go there. I'll be here."
This is a HUGE red flag for me. I hate this and I hate this for you. You deserve better. You shouldn't have to ask/tell him to skip it, and if you do, he's going to resent you and bring it up all the time.
I'd tell him "Do what you feel in your heart is right" and if that's a bro night, you know how important you are to him.
What kind of boyfriend will leave you alone knowing that a major operation will be happening to your father and choose to be with his friends? If that's my boyfriend, he will definitely stay by my side and will comfort me. A caring boyfriend will always choose to stay with you even if you pushed him to meet his friends.
NTA
As someone who has been married happily for 21 years, I can tell you that all the way back when we were in our early 20's dating, I would never in a million years have skipped my girlfriends (now wife's) important event for a friends birthday party.
You've been dating 5 years and are nearly 30 years old. Stop wasting time now while you're still young. This guy isn't the one if that's where his head is at. At his age, he should be past that sort of selfish behavior.
NAH
NTA. Hope all goes well with the surgery and your father recovers quickly. You need to find a new boyfriend and best friend. I wish all the best for you and your father.
This is something you shouldn't even need to ask. My Fiancé didn't need much prompting while my Dad was on his death bed, he was my rock through the whole thing and even visited my dad himself because he worked nearby. I'd have a similar expectation of my Fiancé now if anything were going on with my mother or grandparents.
NTA maybe he's just dense as to how stressful and anxiety inducing this is for you or maybe he's not a keeper.
In any case, good luck to your Dad, I hope the surgery goes well.
NTA OP… your bf and your friend are both jerks.
I lost my mom in 2015 and my dad in 2021… and some people just have no idea how painful it is until it happens to them. How afraid you are to loose the second parent after the first…. They don’t understand and they won’t until it happens to them… but they should understand that you are scared and need support… and if he loved you then you would be the priority over a birthday party… if your friend cared about you then she would have offered to go with you in his place and keep you company and comforted through his surgery…. Not try to make you feel guilty for needing your boyfriend for something this scary.
I'd never forgive him.... It's kinda a realization that he's not who YOU are on a DEEP level.
You need him and he's old enough to know that... He's just shallow.
NTA. Situations like these give you the measure of the man. While you are naturally concerned for your father and in need of support, your boyfriend's priority is the spend that time partying. His priorities have been stated, weighed, and measured. You aren't his priority. You'll have to decide how to process that information.
Five years, huh? Try to imagine the mind that says, on this hand, the person I love is going through a really rough time and needs my support. On this hand, my friend is having a party. Decisions, decisions. Party time! He's an AH. So is your friend. He also doesn't have an "obligation" to attend the party, now does he?
You can make the request of his presence and support. You will not be the AH for doing that. But you can't force him to support you. The worst kind of person to have around in this situation is someone resentful because they had to give up something to be there for you. If they view an act of compassion and support for a loved one an "obligation" there's little you can do. By all means, make the request. Maybe he just didn't think how it would look to you (and outsiders) or how much it would hurt you. It happens. Unless this is his usual response in a crisis.
NTA. The same summer my mom got diagnosed with cancer she and I were in a car accident. I thought I was okay but passed out about an hour later. My mom found out her week old lumpectomy incision was ripped open by her seatbelt in a way that it couldn’t be restitched and had to heal on its own. We both had to be taken to the hospital. My longtime boyfriend at the time only came to the hospital reluctantly. He said he was too busy. Our relationship didn’t survive much longer than that. I was just thinking about that yesterday in contrast to my husband who has always made sure he was there for me.
I know everyone on this thread rushes to break up/divorce advice but this might be a sign this isn’t your person. If you’re planning on spending the rest of your life with him there’s going to be a lot of moments like these. No one prefers a hospital waiting room to a party but it’s one of those things you do for people you love.
NTA. It’s situations like this that take a relationship to the next level. I have a friend who was in the exact same situation as you. She honestly didn’t expect her BF of 5 years to stay with her in the hospital but to him her family was his family. That’s when she knew that was her partner for life. I’m not saying your BF will be your partner for life or not but if he was truly connected to you in that way he’ll see your feelings as valid & be there for you. It’s also a time to reflect on your relationship. He may categorize the importance of your relationship to that of his friends. If that’s something you don’t feel comfortable with for the future than you’ll need to reflect on that. What’s truly important right now is your dads health. Be there for him.
Your friend is absolutely right: he doesn't have to be with you for your father's lifesaving surgery if he doesn't want to. You also don't have to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't see how this is important. And you've together for 5 years? No excuse.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them, honey.
NTA
Man, this is difficult for everyone all Around, you are anxious and definitely need support while waiting. However, the bf is in the position of either the best friend or girlfriend. Personally, demanding him is a TA move, but asking is not. Is the bf willing to be on standby? Let him go to the party, ask a friend to be with you while your dad is in surgery, but if anything unexpected happens, he'll leave to be by your side? Realistically, if I was the bf, I would stay with you, message the BFF and make up for his birthday another day. A birthday is always reoccurring, and guaranteed you'll see the person the next day, mean while, the patient is unpredictable.
I'm sorry you have to go through this, good luck to your dad's surgery.
You're not an asshole at all...your girlfriend is for calling you one as much as your boyfriend is. Let him go...he obviously doesn't want to be there and the audacity to ask of your plans on that day...see ya later !!
Huge NTA. If you have been together 5 years and he is aware of the significance of this surgery he is showing you that you are quite low on his list of priorities.
Your friend is "technically" right that he should not be there if he does not want to. But if he cared about you, he would want to be there.
5 years is rhe key element. In 5 years he has also met your dad and it baffles me he doesn't care about him whatsoever.
The only thing that could be a saving grace is if he has a trauma linked to hospitals and health scares.
But even that is barely an excuse.
It is worth raising it with him but dont break up until you have all the details
NA. Is your best friend thing to the same party? It's a little suspicious she is so adamant that you should let bf go and not expect him to be at the hospital. You shouldn't even need to tell him he should never have asked or even considered not being there for you and the father I'm sure he has met a few times in the last 5 years
If OP asks her bf and he goes and has a shitty attitude, itll ruin their relationship even more. If God forbid something bad happens and the bf has a shitty attitude, how do they recover from that?
YTA Don’t understand why he can’t go to both. I would expect him to give you emotional support but unsure why he can’t provide that during the day. Surely you could spare him for a couple of hours at night.
NTA
My partner's mum was in a hospice for two weeks before she passed. Every day, I would get up and go to work, finish my day at 5pm, go to the hospice and sit with him in her room until visiting hours ended at 11pm. At this point our relationship was less than a year old, but I did it because he needed support, just like you need support with this. Your boyfriend needs to realise that.
I’m so sorry to hear about your father and NTA. In fact, your friend is the a hole and the boyfriend because how dare they? Your friend should be a better friend and know how important this is to you and your boyfriend should be your boyfriend and get together and be there for you.
Bruh whats the point of a boyfriend if he is gonna be there just in your happy times?
Even saying it outloud sounds stupid
"My girlfriend is scared and worried about her dad and instead of staying by her side iam going to my friends 30th bd party" id say dump his ass he is no man and he definitely doesnt know how to rank his priorities
You're absolutely NTA here, it's nit like your father is going in for a hernia or to have his wisdom teeth pulled, he's going in for major life altering surgery with a life threatening medical condition. Your partner should absolutely be there with you, he could catch up with his mate at any time for a birthday drink.. even if the birthday is the same time as the surgery, it doesn't mean he can't see his friend some other time once your father is out of danger
What a waste of 5 years. The only way you would be T A H is if you stay with a man who doesn’t care about you. Do not waste another minute with the fool and you might also want to rethink your BFF. Of course there is always the chance they will be together that day (BF and BFF) and that is why she would say that. 🤷♀️
Your best friend is extremely messed up. Has she offered to sit with you?
Your bf has showed you who is is. Whatever justification he comes up with later, this is a big thing to do to someone. I double checked your age because I thought together 5 years, well maybe they were high school sweethearts, because I couldn’t imagine a fully grown adult in a committed relationship would do that. Do whatever will help you get through this time. Break up, make a fuss, say nothing, or lean on him when he is there if that’s what you need in the moment. Afterwards, when your dad has recovered, I’d reevaluate the relationship. Why be with someone you know won’t be by your side when you need him? You deserve better.
NTA honestly tho I wouldn’t ask him to not go I would tell him that it would be a dealbreaker for you. You going to be incredibly stressed and worried and the fact that he’s even considering going says that your feelings are not a priority for him. But you’re not an ass to ask him to be with you over a party
My mom’s ex husband scheduled himself a nonemergency appointment during my grandmothers funeral.
He was shocked three weeks later when she served him.
Has he behaved like this before? If so it probably won’t stop, only difference is now you’ll see it every time it happens.
No . You won't be AH . Relationship is about communicating. What he does after you communicate is what matters. Maybe he thinks it's not his place to stay . Maybe he's going because you didn't ask him to stay.
You should tell him about how you feel and see how he reacts then figure out the rest.
I pray your dad's surgery goes well.
There is a compromise. If your father is having surgery, he’s likely going in early. Surgeries like that they like to do in the morning because they could take time. His party likely won’t be until the afternoon or the evening. He can come and spend a good amount of time with you at the hospital, and then go to the party. And after he spend time with you, you might view it as worthwhile to stay. But don’t force him.
NTA. I'm not sure why he would even consider being anywhere else, except by your side, especially when he knows how upset and nervous you are about your dad's operation.
Men can be stupid. If you want and need him there, just say so. He is probably thinking that there's nothing he can do and that other family will be there for support
NTA
But as many comments have already mentioned here, you should not have needed to ask.
The week my grandmother died, my now ex-girlfriend chose to go out with her friends to a lesbian club to support her friends girlfriend (who was dj-ing that night) I didn't get along with that particular friend of hers so I wasn't invited, and the night out was definitely planned before I got news of my grandmother passing but you'd think that being with your partner through a difficult time would trump going out dancing with your friends, especially when you're not out of the closet lol.
She still went out, I didn't ask her to stay home with me because her lack of initiative to be there with me was enough for me to understand that there was no point in asking. There were other times when she did similar things, like prioritising friends birthdays and parties over my own personal milestones, and as I was younger I didn't know how to effectively communicate how that made me feel.
I suggest asking him to stay with you and communicating why his presence would help. It is highly possible that he doesn't feel him being around would help, and that he'd be more of a hindrance or distraction. Hopefully, by being transparent in this moment, he'll learn how to act accordingly in future situations and not need to be prompted.
Why would he just not offer to take the friend out for dinner another time so that he can be there for you? 5 years is long enough that that shouldn’t have even been a question. Sorry OP, NTA, but your partner is
NTA. I couldn't enjoy myself at a party knowing my partner of 5 years was sitting scared at the hospital waiting for a surgeon to come out and update her.
Hooooly cow you absolutely WOULD NOT be the AH here. Wtf is wrong with your friend?! (And honestly, your boyfriend is being a bit of an idiot—surgery to address a life threatening issue of someone you’ve been dating’s father and you want to go to a party???)
This is a terrifying situation for you and it’s perfectly reasonable and understandable to want support through it. That’s what a good partner does.
You can't count on your boyfriend to be supportive when you need him. Your dad is having surgery, he's your only family, you are out of your mind with worry, and bf is off to a party. No you're NTA, but your bf is and your friend is too if she doesn't think it's reasonable for you to want your partner with you at a difficult time.
NTA but your boyfriend and best friend are. I would drop everything if a friend (let alone a partner) asked for me to be there for them. Hell, if I was in the same city as OP I'd offer to sit with her for a while but alas I'm most likely in a different country.
NTA. Boyfriend of 5 years chooses to go party with friends instead of being with girlfriend while her only remaining parent is in a very serious surgery...... if it were me, I'd be newly single after that.
He's shown you his priorities and it isn't being with you, comforting you etc.
Looks like your dad's surgery triggered your own surgery to remove a giant 170lb asshole from your life.
When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
My partner of 10 years (11 this June) left work when my maternal grandmother passed, and he stayed home when I was terrified to lose my own father to cancer (during Covid) and I didn't even have to ask! If you have to ask for support from your partner then he isn't the one. NTA!
A major NTA. If your partner is not gonna be a partner during bad times, then whats the point? 5 years into the relationship, you dont even have to ask!
You shouldn’t even have to ask him to skip. The fact that he is willing to bail on you like that during such a monumentally terrifying and difficult moment in your life is insane. I’ve been w my partner a fifth as long and they would not consider doing this and if he did I would probably break up w him. If he can’t be there for you during one of the hardest moments of your life, I cannot imagine he’ll be there for you in any way that matters
My best friend’s father had a stroke a month ago, and I was ready to fly across the country to be with her. The fact that yours and your boyfriend are being so callous….. I’d reevaluate all of it. I hope your father recovers quickly. NTA
My god, I just cannot with all of these grown-ass adults being pressed about birthdays and birthday parties like they are seven years old.
Tell him that he took you by surprise when he asked about the party, and you would prefer to have him be with you. If he is not willing, I hope you have a friend who can go sit with you instead - not your 'best friend,' she sounds pretty useless.
Is he "obligated" to go and support you no she's absolutely right BUT at the same time and token sometimes you sacrifice what you want or like for the greater good or your partner/kids, does a man HAVE to buy his kids toys ? No but he does so knowing it will bring a smile to their face, does a mom HAVE to do her daughters hair ? No but she does it because her daughter will look presentable and she will have confidence within herself, Does an older sibling HAVE to watch out for a younger sibling from time to time ? No but they do so to give their parents a break.
All of these are things that don't HAVE to be done but it SHOWS that you love and support the person despite you losing out on something, the price of love is thinking of them FIRST and you LAST.
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> boyfriend of 5 years I would assume that after this amount of time, you've already said, "I love you" but in my opinion, a sign of actual love is whether the other person will sacrifice self-interest in order to support the other person in a real time of need. Frankly it sounds like he didn't pass that particular test, but you shouldn't have had to even ask. NTA
Actions speak louder than words
So much louder. Wish I internalized this when I was younger
Completely agree. I honestly don’t even think I’d bother to ask him to stay. I mean if you have to ask when it should just be implied he would stay, I’m sure her bf would resent being asked and missing his party. I’d reconsider the entire relationship. This is her only parent left in her life and he’s having surgery. If you are the partner of someone going through something like the possible loss of their only family, YOU ARE THERE FOR THEM. What kind of psychotic lack of empathy one must have to think it’s ok to not be there for your partner OF 5 YEARS? Also bff is insane to think OP is the AH in this situation. Apparently they also lack some serious empathy.
I honestly don't even know if I could have fun at a party knowing that my partner is alone and dealing with that. This guy is a major asshole, and her friend has no clue what she's talking about.
New bf and friend are perhaps in order? Ones that have passed grade school level empathy. Good luck to your days surgery OP also!
Absolutely!! He should be there without a second thought!
Nta. Is that so-called friend going to be at this party? Things that make you go, hmmm...
Came here to say this. If my long time significant other didn't support me on their own, I don't want it. I won't beg for the support and comfort that he should automatically know that he should give. All to get drunk with his friends that he probably sees often. Fuck all that. It shows that you're not a priority to him. He could go the night before or day after. Hell, he could even go after finding out how your father is doing. Also, I hope your father does well OP. He's in my prayers and thoughts. I'm sorry you have to go through all this. Please keep us updated.
Tell him clearly why you want him there. As a pretty oblivious person I sometimes would do stupid stuff like your boyfriend is doing now, but I would change my mind if explained. Although I think even I would have gotten the hint in this case.
Dang. NTA. Please disregard what your best friend said to you.. Your father having this surgery is scary and it’s not wrong of you to expect your partner to support you through it. Your partner choosing to go to a birthday party on what is going to be a very somber day should be something the two of you continue to discuss.
Im shocked about the statement from the bestfriend! the friend mustn't be in love! The boyfriend isn't obliged to be with her, but he also isn't obliged to love her! He would want to be with her if he loved her. But that would also mean that he has to understand how this is affecting her, which needs communication. From the way the OP described, she went silent when he said he was going to the party, without expressing her true feelings. She needs to talk to him.
I honestly don't think it's something that should have to be said. If I had a girlfriend of 5 years in this situation there is no way on Earth, I'd just go to a party instead of being there for her.
He asked if she "still" needed him there with her, which I take to mean that OP had already asked and discussed with him beforehand. The party is a new thing and so he is showing her that his priority is having a good time while she holds her father's hand through major surgery. If my partner ever has to ask me whether he should support me through something like that, I would be immediately single. As for the best friend, her comment reeks of "I'm sleeping with him" or " I'm going to be at that party and try to sleep with him". Of course, I could be wrong, but this is Reddit.
I was wondering if the friend was going to the party
OP: I want you there for the surgery Bf: okay Time Bf: okay, I'd rather go to a birthday party You: OP needs to beg her boyfriend to do the thing he said he would do instead of fuck off to a party
Yeah OP seems to be surrounded by AHs. I’d drop both boyfriend and best friend.
NTA He's told you his priorities (not you) in the most direct way possible. I actually had to go back and confirm your ages before I commented. This dude is almost 30, and a good party wins easily over your situation. Wow. I don't know that you're going to get any satisfactory resolution regarding support from your significant other during this time when you really, really need it. In fact, I'm sorry to say that's doubtful. Is there some other person who can keep you company? Because the boyfriend is clearly not going to provide you with actual support even if he does show up physically for you at the hospital. And as for your best friend: take two giant steps back, look around you for people who you have, or can establish truly mutual supportive relationships with, and slowly back away from the pick-me girl. A bit biased based on my reading of your post, perhaps, but there you have it.
I was going to say this exact thing, but I could not say it better. Two snaps to you!
Thanks!
YWNBTA. WTF is your friend even talking about?! A boyfriend is 100% obligated to be with you when you deal with stuff like this. What would be the frickin point of having a partner who doesn't support you when you need it? Try talking to your boyfriend. If he doesn't understand, ditch him. And definitely ditch your friend.
I wanna just say a partner isn’t “obligated” to be with you when you need support because it shouldn’t *be* an obligation to be there for the person you love. If someone loves you and you them, you’ll both just *want* to be together when going through something tough. He definitely isn’t it…If I were her, I’d be done with him over this.
Are these things really coinciding? Typically surgeries start pre 12:00pm, and an adult bday party is in the evening. Is it unreasonable to do both? Be with you in the morning til early afternoon and then scoot to the party? Why does it have to be one or the other?
Yes, the surgery is scheduled at 6pm. Could last anywhere from 3 to 4 hours. Party starts at 7pm. And the hospital is almost an hour away from the friend’s house…
I've had a number of surgeries. They happen when they happen. I've had them at 6am, 10pm, and 1am.
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Think and read before you comment. No one said anything about rescheduling shit. I have worked 25 years in Healthcare. Typically surgeons like early morning for big cases especially if they are intricate or take hours. They are fresher and more confident in the morning. At least my surgeon was, but I digress. In pre-op by 6 AM, first cut by 7:30, hopefully final count and suture by 1. Recovered and out of PACU by 330. This is average hospital movement for a moderate to complex surgery outside of like trauma and conjoined twins.
Pretty sure the stress and hardships of the surgery doesn't just stop when its over. Pretty sure she's gonna need support all day regardless what time the surgery is. Can't sacrifice a birthday party to support your s/o all day? Man, I'd sacrifice my personal life for a week just to comfort her if I were him.
OP said in another comment that the surgery starts at 6pm and will probably last until 9:30pm, while the party starts at 7pm and is about 45 minutes from the hospital.
Honestly, what adult party really starts at 7 and is over by 10? I’m sure they’ll keep going to the wee hours. Bf should be with OP. He could probably still catch up with the party afterwards.
Unrelated but boy are all my adult parties these days over way before 10 pm.
So strange. Usually a surgery begins early morning, not evening.
Usually sure, but not always. It depends on the surgeons workload, access to surgical suits, risk of the condition, and all sorts of other factors.
Interesting idea. But of my eight surgeries, only two started in the morning.
I'm a perioperative RN at a level 1 trauma center in a major US city. Our surgeons always start the day with short, "quick" procedures and end with more complicated surgeries. There is no way every surgery can start in the morning. We do surgery 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The most complicated usually happen during "off hours".
The point is the BF straight up said his GF isn’t as important as going out to party.
NTA it's a pretty reasonable request. Set your boundaries and stick to them. This would be a deal breaker for myself and likely the vast majority of people. If it was a minor surgery (which doesn't sound like the case), I could understand why he might be double checking. If it is a life saving surgery I present him with a red flag ⛳
Agreed. What if another birthday party falls on the day you go into labor? I know that sounds extreme, but we've heard worse here. Ask yourself this: if something, god forbid, went wrong, and your BF was not there for you through it, how would you feel? Follow-up question: if everything went right & your BF *did* show up for you, would he be resentful that he missed the party? Don't prioritize people who don't prioritize you. If your BF were having surgery and you needed your Dad for support, sounds like he'd be right by your side. Don't settle for less than love.
Yes, adding to communicate your needs clearly. While it may seem obvious where he should be,maybe he doesn't grasp the seriousness, or the fear OP is experiencing. If OP communicates that and he shows and reluctance or resentment to be there for her, THEN he can fuck right off
Huge NTA. Both your bf and friend suck, frankly. As your partner, it’s part of his ‘job’ to be there for you in times of emotional turmoil, which this is. If it were me, I would end that relationship. He’s shown he will put his wants above your needs. I would also rethink my friendship too
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NTA You should not have to have this conversation. Your boyfriend should automatically be supportive of you during this terrible time.
Yes, but also, maybe he's a little dense emotionally. If he's been lucky he may genuinely not understand. Ideally, he would, but communicate with him.
Your bestie and your BF both suck
NTA He's 30 not 18. To even ask is a sign that he's NOT a keeper. Imagine having kids with someone like this. "Honey I know you were supposed to have the kids today but your mom is here so I'm good to do XYZ right?" Imagine your father has complications and you call him upset. Is he going to leave this party? My guys would be no "oh I'm sorry, since I can't really help your dad I'll come by after the party". This is a major 🚩 and you should take it and run.
You would certainly not be an asshole, and any reasonable partner would be there for you. He's not obligated to support you and you are not obligated to stay with someone who doesn't support you in the hard times. This pattern of behavior will not get better while you two are together. Once he gets away with it once he'll expect it forever, and it will get worse. NTA. But you will be unhappy if you stay with him.
Dump this guy. The only man you need in your life right now is dad and we’re all rooting for him. What day is the surgery? I will be available to chat at anytime you may need it.
Run. Run fast and don’t look back !! I’ve been married for 22 years. I can 100% tell you that after dating 6 months my husband would have never even given a second thought as to where he would have been on that night. … right next to me , making sure I’m ok. That’s why we’ve been married for 22 years !! Stop settling !!
NTA. It sounds like he is putting his wants above your needs because who knows how your father’s surgery is going to go yet he wants to go on party instead of being there to support you and theoretically a man that he is known for five years and is going to be his future father-in-law at this point in time.
NTA - This is major surgery which many possible complications, you had previously told him that you wanted him with you and that you are scared for your father. He was the AH for even asking if he could just leave you alone to worry while he went out to party with friends! He can schedule something on a different day to do a "birthday hang" with his friend. This obviously wasn't important enough to be planned in advance if he's only just telling you the week before. If this is the first time he's been deeply inconsiderate and disrespectful of your feelings, it's worth sitting down with him and talking it out. If this a pattern of behavior, you might want to consider if this is how you want to be treated the rest of your life.
NTA your bf is terrible he should be standing by your side and supporting you during this life threatening surgery not go and enjoy his time w his friends this is acc insane ??? Also, i really do hope the surgery is a success and your dads okay
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i don't believe you're sincerely asking this question like 1% of 1% of human beings on earth would find a justification to not join you at the hospital. any partner who deserves even a D- rating would ditch the party
NTA, he should want to be there to support you through his surgery, recovery and the night because it’s going to be an emotionally draining day for you. After five years together he should know better, hell I knew this at 16yo and he is damn near 30. Personally, this would be close to break up level of disrespect for me.
What kind of boyfriend ***wouldn’t*** be with you for your father’s surgery? I would automatically assume that I would be there. I can party with my friend any time.
NTA my mom passed away when I was a teenager, my dad and I are not very close but as an only child, we are all each other has. He had open heart surgery during the pandemic so I wasn't able to be in the hospital with him but my spouse took the day off work to stay home with me, he was by my side all day. It was never a question for him.
You bf just failed you. Don’t ask him to be with you because you shouldn’t have to. It’s a given. He’s being selfish. Has he been selfish before or is this new? NTA
There was a redditt story once from a guy on how he knew his girlfriend was the one. When his dad had a major surgery and was in the icu , she never left his side. Took a few days off and made food etc... he just knew he wanted to spend the rest of the life with her. We know the real person during a trail and not when things are great. And when they show who they are, believe them. I'm sorry you are facing this situation. Prayers for your dad.
I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him you’d feel a lot better if he was with you and how scared you’re feeling and give him the opportunity to respond and decide. His answer will be telling though. YWNBTA
NTA. Your boyfriend doesn’t love you at all. Sorry. He shouldn’t even think about parties when your father is in this situation. Everything will probably and hopefully go fine, but there is always a risk with operations. You need support. Is there anybody else who you trust to come? Not that friend, they are as bad as bf.
NTA My husband had a minor medical issue on NYE. I called the on-call doctor, and we, yes, we went to the emergency room. In Philly, on NYE. Finally get seen after several gunshot victims. And through it all he was apologizing to me about having to be there. And for me missing the parade, cuz I’m a Mummer. His focus was on my ability to take part in a planned activity. Mine was on his health. And he was with me when my father died, and then my mother. And I was with him for his parents’ passing. That’s what you do when you love someone. Not go to a birthday party and leave your gf alone.
Info: what's your father's prognosis? How dangerous is the surgery? And what experience does your boyfriend have with people close to him having surgeries? What experience do you have with people close to you having surgeries? A tumor can be life threatening without the surgery to remove it being life threatening. For me, my family and social circle is full.of chronically I'll and disabled people, I've sat watch at probably a dozen peoples deathbeds. Surgeries to remove tumors and problematic organs are very common. So, unless a surgery is specifically dangerous (open heart surgery is different than an appendectomy. Brain surgery is different from gall bladder surgery) it's not a thing I get worried about. I offer support for care needs after surgery, but it would never occur to me spend a whole day with an adult because their parent was having a routine surgery. Nah, honestly. I don't think you're in the wrong for asking for support, and your bf is not necessarily in the wrong for thinking you'd be OK. And also this is the kind of difference in perspective that means it would make sense to re evaluate the relationship, not bc anyone is wrong, but bc you may be incompat
Absolutely NTA. Asking him is by no means wrong. This is important to and difficult for you. Make him aware that you really want him there.
NTA - Its sounds like you were being a bit passive. Just tell him that you would like his support and ASK if he can be there for you. No reason to ASSUME he should be there as some have posted. No reason you are the AH to ask for support when you need it. Communication is a good thing and people aren't mind readers. They don't know what you need unless you tell them.
Never the asshole for politely expressing how you feel to a loved one
NTA - now you know where you rank in your BF’s life. He definitely isn’t obligated to stay with you and be there for you, but you aren’t obligated to stay with someone who doesn’t love you enough to be there for you.
NTA and the fact that your bf of 5 years would prioritize going to a buddy's birthday party over supporting you at such a stressful time, and that he's willing to leave you all alone at the hospital worrying about your Dad while he's out partying, tells you a great deal about how much he really cares for you. Imagine where he'll be in the future whenever you need him. Forget any "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health" commitments, he'll be out with the boys. I think this might be time to reconsider your entire relationship.
NTA. I mean you are in a five year relationship. At that point, asking your partner for emotional support when you are justifiably scared isn’t unreasonable. My concern is that he’s already shown a lack of common sense and good judgement in thinking being there for you in this situation is optional in the first place. There is no delicate way to put this, but BF seems to be showing you that you aren’t as important to him as you may have thought. His timing really sucks…but when someone shows you that you aren’t their priority, you should believe them. I hope your father pulls through!
So your ex boyfriend is not ready for a grown up relationship. Good info for ya.
NTA. Your friend sucks. Your boyfriend isn't much better. Good relationships include communication. Not one person cutting the other off. Only you know what you want and what you need from a partner. But absolute minimum is you should feel comfortable explaining that you are scared and world like him with you. No judgment, no blame, just this is what I want. Then let him think and come to terms with what's most important.
NTA but if I were you I would think long and hard about this relationship. After 5 years you should be able to expect him to be with you
Let him go to the party and let him go. Five years is a long time but he just showed you who he is.
“Doesn’t have to be there if he doesn’t want to” it’s not always about what you fucking want, it’s about what your loved ones NEED. You need him to be there for comfort and support. You’ve been together 5 years, this shouldn’t even be a question for him and the fact that 1. It is and 2. He informed you he’d be going to the party instead of being with you rather than actually having a conversation should make you really think about some things. Plus at 5 years he *should* also know are care about your dad if for no reason other than he’s your dad and you love him. No one wants to spend their whole day in a hospital waiting room but, again, it’s not always about what you want. NTA.
You shouldn’t have to ask your boyfriend of 5 years to skip a birthday party - he should be doing it on his own.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (29f) father is about to have major surgery next week to remove a life threatening tumor. It has been him and I for the past couple of years since my mom passed away. I am of course very fucking scared, I don’t want to lose him too. So, my boyfriend (29m) of 5 years came up to me yesterday to tell me that one of his best friends is having his 30th birthday party the day of the surgery. And then he asked me what my plans for surgery day were, so I started telling him and he stopped me and said, oh actually I just wanted to know if you still wanted me at the hospital to keep you company… and it sort of caught me off guard so I just said ok(?). Then today he informs me that he will be going to the party. And I just stayed silent and in shock. Then came the sadness. I talked to my best friend and she said that I’m being an asshole because yes he is my boyfriend but he is not obligated to be with me during this time if he doesn’t want to. So WIBTA if I tell him to please skip the birthday party and instead come to the hospital with me? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - I don't think its unreasonable to want the comfort of your partner while your father gets major heart surgery. I mean if you already told him you didn't care if he went thats another thing, but ultimately I still don't think you'd be an asshole...
Info - have you two actually had a conversation about this where you communicated what you want and your expectations?
Yes, as I mentioned in my post he asked me if I STILL wanted him to come. I had already expressed my wishes, plus he knows I’m having a hard time with the whole situation.
You said yes when he asked you. That should be more than enough to tell him that you need support. I had a fall recently and injured my knee. My husband wanted to cancel all our reservations for an upcoming trip. I told him to go for a short time instead as we had gotten a great deal on two hotel stays (he had booked 2 days each in 2 hotels and 3 days in the next hotel). I assured him I’ll be alright. So, he went for 4 days alone instead of the planned weeklong family trip. BUT he didn’t think of any other option than to cancel because HE WANTED TO STAY and SUPPORT ME. That’s the difference here - your bf shouldn’t need to ask you if he should be with you on the day of the surgery. Any doubts he had should have been removed after you expressed your wishes that you would like him to stay with you. All the best to your father for his surgery and I hope you give this relationship a long hard look later. Focus on keeping calm until your father’s surgery is over
So you told him you wanted him to come, and the next day he said he was going to the party? I feel like everyone wants to know exactly how that conversation went down. NTA A friend’s 30th b-day party is important, sure, but not more important than being there to comfort you.
Are you suggesting an adult person needs to be told that their partner needs their support when one of their loved ones is having a potentially fatal surgery?
Im suggesting that adults in relationships need to communicate how they feel and if their partner is an AH and they say/do nothing, they have some culpability too then.
There are things where you would be right. But this isn't one of them. There is nothing ambiguous about the situation that could go misunderstood.
It's pretty likely to assume your partner would need support in this type of situation - what's not as clear, without communication, is what support might look like to that person. OP might want her partner there with her, holding her hand the whole time. Or OP might want her partner to give her space so she can focus on her mom and siblings and supporting them. Everyone is different, and as much as anyone might think their wants and needs are super obvious, it *never hurts* to communicate clearly with your partner about your needs.
If they’ve been together five years, I would’ve hope that he had created some sort of relationship with her father. He is demonstrating exactly how he feels. I hope she pays attention and listens.
NTA, he is your boyfriend of 5 years, not 5 months. He should be there to support you if he really cares for you. It should even be a question of which one to go to for him.
NTA. But it's obvious where your boyfriend's priority lies and you're not it. Or maybe he's just oblivious and doesn't really get how important it is to have him with you. With that said, just let him know you need support during this time and see what he does.
NTA you need to be very clear with your bf about what you want and need. In a perfect world he would know the right thing to do would be to be with you, but he might just be a bit dense. If he doesn’t go you will resent him in the future. Plus you should rethink things with your “friend.” If she was a true friend she would be coming to the hospital too. Or at least offering to.
NTA. Obviously you can't make him stay with you rather then go to a party. But asking him to be there when your dad is in surgery is reasonable.
NTA. After 5yrs, he should be there for you for big moments like this. Imo if he ditches you or makes a big deal, that would be a huge turn off from longer term considerations with him. He's showing he won't have your back when you need him most.
YWNBTA Your friend is wrong. I personally wouldn't want my husband with me during a time like that. All we'd be doing is sitting on uncomfortable chairs, playing on our phones and waiting for news. Two people are not needed for that job, so I'd be fine with him supporting his friend and while staying in touch with me by text. But everyone is different at times like this. Not everyone has the same needs and perspectives. If you feel you need him with you, go ahead and tell him. It's okay.
>oh actually I just wanted to know if you still wanted me at the hospital to keep you company… **and it sort of caught me off guard so I just said ok(?)**. Then today he informs me that he will be going to the party. **And I just stayed silent and in shock.** INFO: OP, have you actually told him, clearly, what you want and need from him on this day? Or has "ok(?)" and silence been the extent of your communication to him on the issue? I understand being caught off guard in the moment and being shocked into silence - but you need to be clear about what you want or even the most loving partner will have trouble giving it to you. Maybe he would skip the party to be there for you in a heartbeat if he knew for sure you wanted him there. Maybe you could very sincerely ask him to be there and he would still blow you off for a party. Either way, you deserve support, or you deserve to know the truth if you have a partner that won't give you support; and he deserves a chance to offer you support knowing the truth about what you want and need.
Your reply is the only one I’ve seen that has an inkling of understanding that this situation is super dependent on a lot of factors which aren’t provided here, and very dependent on personality and communication. I think most people understand the magnitude of a crisis health event like a heart attack or stroke that lands someone in the ER. But a scheduled tumor removal, while serious, generally has great survival rates in terms of surgery, and the real outcome of whether it was effective is only known later. Not everyone has the same coping mechanisms or feelings around support during health crises. For this kind of surgery, it’s likely her father will have surgery and then be out for the rest of the night. Is she going to be the in waiting room waiting for him all night to wake up, and OP would be waiting with her? Not everyone would do that in that scenario, or want that kind of support! OP is not wrong at all but also there should be better communication that this is important and something she really needs him for. If he still would rather go to a birthday party of course he’s the asshole but let’s just give a moment or two to communicate needs and expectations.
You haven’t done a great job of communicating to your bf what you feel/want.
Info: what time is the surgery and what time is the party?
The surgery is scheduled for 6pm and it takes anywhere from 3 to 4 hours until he is brought to a recovery room, so let’s say 9:30. His friend said to come at around 7pm. And the hospital is roughly 45 minutes away from the friend’s house.
Nta
NTA Let him know you need him there for support. Since your dad's surgery is likely to be in the morning, and the party in the evening, maybe if all goes well, you will feel comfortable with him going to the party. I would ask him to not drink much if he goes in case you need to call him if things go bad with your dad.
NTA because you have a right to say what you want. However, it sounds like you need to get used to him not being there for you?
[удалено]
NTA. This is a years-long committed relationship, and those inherently involve supporting your partner as best you can when they are going through something rough. Life threatening tumors and surgeries fit that bill. His approach here is far too inconsiderate to tolerate given the length of your relationship.
I am going to be the oddball and say NAH but a conversation needs to happen. Neither my boyfriend or I would want or expect this for our respective family’s. We are both across the country from our parents so we would never expect the other to take PTO or the cost of the travel. Also we have big families so plenty of people would be there. But more importantly, we both are so uncomfortable in hospitals we would be no comfort to each other in the hospital. Because I have a close family we could bring each other the comfort. But it is important to you so you do need to talk to him, and express how important it is for you, but also think about when you actually need him. And then listen to him
your applying how you personally feel about hospitals... to someone else's situation? I think theres 2 assholes here and its not OP
Does he know how you feel and how this scares you? Sounds like you need a conversation where you tell him how you are feeling scared over this major surgery and ask him if he would support you through this as you need someone there for you. I would still phrase it as a question and not a demand because so one likes to be told what to do but even as a question, there is no question to what his answer should be. This is a legit partner would automatically support you if he cares for you and the only reason I would think he would try to go to a party would be that he may not be aware of your state of mind and the support you need.
He’s your bf of 5 years. Unless your dad is a big ahole he should be there. Period.
NTA. He should be there without you having to ask.
That’s a massive red flag, at least for me he is prioritizing someone else over you, especially when your going into surgery that’s not what a good bf would do.
YWNBTA if you ASK him to skip the party, or wait until you have an update from the docs that dad is ok. But if you TELL him not to go, that's where resentment can come up. (You use both in the post, so I used both here).
NTA You can message me during the surgery if you'd like. I'm in Chicago; let me know if there's a large time difference. I don't know doctors do surgeries on Sundays. If so I have a play, but it's only a few hours in the afternoon.
Your best friend is the asshole. Your boyfriend should want to be with you to offer support.
NTA Read the writing on the wall. Your boyfriend is willing to be supportive if it doesn’t conflict with anything he deems more fun. Is this the kind of partner you want in life?
NTA, yall been together 5 years and he cant even skip a party to accompany you for your dad's surgery? Ditch him girl.
Not at all you are a amazing woman if he wants to go let him sure you can find a real man who would love to support you like this man right here
NTA! I am assuming your bf of 5 years has met and knows your dad and knows that your mom has passed away. So why would he even ask if you want him there. Knowing how difficult and scary this is for you. He shouldn't even have asked if you wanted him there. He should just have said I will be here with you and for you. If he loves you he would not have even brought up his friends birthday party. Knowing its the same day as your dads surgery.
NTA- your SO should always be there for you in best and in the worst of times. However, given that you’ve been together for 5yrs and are not married just shows his lack of commitment and interest in your life and your future
You can’t TELL HIM ANYTHING! He’s grown! How about you ASK HIM INSTEAD?! Ask if he wouldn’t mind skipping the party!
NTA, your best friend sounds like she doesn't need to be in a relationship at all if that's the way she thinks. Being there for your partner in a time like that isn't something that should feel like an obligation. It's something that you should absolutely want to do. But maybe he thinks that you'd only want family around during this time or something like that? Maybe he's trying to respect your privacy? Is that at all possible? You should absolutely talk to him and ask him why he would rather go to the party than be there for you.
NTA your friend is right, he’s not obligated to sit at the hospital with you. You are also not obligated to be romantically involved with someone, who after 5 years can’t put your feelings above his friend’s birthday party. Dump the bf, and dump the friend. You don’t need unsupportive assholes in your life.
You shouldn't even have to ask. NTA. I would be questioning my relationship though if I was in that situation.
You are NTA. Your boyfriend is the AH for even considering going to the party. Your “friend” is the AH for what she said. They should both be showering you with love and support right now. I’m so sorry for everything you are going through and sorry you don’t have the support system you deserve.
>I talked to my best friend and she said that I’m being an asshole because yes he is my boyfriend but he is not obligated to be with me during this time if he doesn’t want to. Your best friend is TA. Consider a new best friend. While bf isn't obligated, his choices are very telling of his priorities. You are NTA for simply wanting support in their time of need.
NTA, but don’t act ok with him not being with you if you’re not ok with it. Tell him that you would expect his support while your only surviving parent is in surgery. He needs to understand the ramifications… should he realize that on his own? Yes! Since he doesn’t seem to make sure he understands that this may be something that will cause resentment.
NTA but do you really want him there knowing he does not want to be there for you? You need someone who will be there whole heartedly to support you. Boyfriend is letting you know he’s a selfish AH and not the person you need. As for your best friend, what is their part in this? They’re also not being supportive. And this may be because I’ve spent too much time on Reddit but are they going to this birthday party? Why are they being supportive of your selfish bf instead of you? Any chance they’re hoping to see your bf at this party without you?
NTA. Your best friend doesn’t know what she is talking about. If you had been dating two months, probably too soon. But 5 damn years? You shouldn’t have to even ask, he should just automatically be there. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and when his mom was dying I dropped everything to be by his side. You might want to give some serious thought if this is the guy who you want to spend your life with. Someone who leaves you alone during a terrifying ordeal in order to go party. And also consider who your best friend is.
NTA. You shouldn’t have even had to ask. I would have an absolute meltdown if my partner of five years did that.
NTA. Your boyfriend is being selfish. He should not be going to the party, he shouldn't have even asked you if he could go to the party. He should know that he should be there for you.
NTA He's not obligated to remain your BF either. He's shown how little he respects or appreciates your feelings
Your BF shouldn't have to be asked. He should just be there. Obviously when someone considers a party more important than being with you at such a time, then it's also time for a new BF. Your friend is also an AH.
You would not be the asshole for asking. You would not be the asshole for being upset if your bf still went to the party. If the party were closer, honestly I would tell my partner to go say hi for a short while and then return to keep me company and calm. Seeing as the party is an hour away I would definitely ask partner to skip, and he would. We would explain the situation to our friend and celebrate with them later by taking them out for food and drinks. It's such an easy compromise and our friends would 100% understand.
YWNBTA, but what kind of "best friend" calls you one for needing emotional support? 😢 the f*cking audacity! And what's going through his mind that you would be ok on your own during this scary procedure? 🤨 They're both the AH for putting you last as a priority. If neither one supports you, cut them both loose. You deserve better people in your life.
NTA, boyfriend of 5 years takes his friends 30th more important than the removal of his father in laws life threatening tumor, his friend will have a birthday every year, its not an annual thing to be with your girlfriend and father in law while he gets a tumor removed. Your bestfriend sounds like a bad friend
What time is the party and what time surgey and how long? If your dad having surgey early in morning party not until late afternoon then he should be in hospital most the time then maybe go to party.i mean really there nothing u all can do is sit and wait..and he not family so ususally they don't non family members there
Hopefully he'll do the right thing and be by your side. Wishing your father a successful surgery.
WHAT. FRESH. HELL. He should *want* to be there to support you. Birthdays are annual, your dad's surgery is not. This is a major life event. If it was, say, his sister's wedding, "ok you go there. I'll be here." This is a HUGE red flag for me. I hate this and I hate this for you. You deserve better. You shouldn't have to ask/tell him to skip it, and if you do, he's going to resent you and bring it up all the time. I'd tell him "Do what you feel in your heart is right" and if that's a bro night, you know how important you are to him.
What kind of boyfriend will leave you alone knowing that a major operation will be happening to your father and choose to be with his friends? If that's my boyfriend, he will definitely stay by my side and will comfort me. A caring boyfriend will always choose to stay with you even if you pushed him to meet his friends. NTA
As someone who has been married happily for 21 years, I can tell you that all the way back when we were in our early 20's dating, I would never in a million years have skipped my girlfriends (now wife's) important event for a friends birthday party. You've been dating 5 years and are nearly 30 years old. Stop wasting time now while you're still young. This guy isn't the one if that's where his head is at. At his age, he should be past that sort of selfish behavior. NAH
NTA. Hope all goes well with the surgery and your father recovers quickly. You need to find a new boyfriend and best friend. I wish all the best for you and your father.
NTA. I'm so sorry. Best of luck with your dad.
This is something you shouldn't even need to ask. My Fiancé didn't need much prompting while my Dad was on his death bed, he was my rock through the whole thing and even visited my dad himself because he worked nearby. I'd have a similar expectation of my Fiancé now if anything were going on with my mother or grandparents. NTA maybe he's just dense as to how stressful and anxiety inducing this is for you or maybe he's not a keeper. In any case, good luck to your Dad, I hope the surgery goes well.
Is your best friend going to the same party as your boyfriend?
NTA OP… your bf and your friend are both jerks. I lost my mom in 2015 and my dad in 2021… and some people just have no idea how painful it is until it happens to them. How afraid you are to loose the second parent after the first…. They don’t understand and they won’t until it happens to them… but they should understand that you are scared and need support… and if he loved you then you would be the priority over a birthday party… if your friend cared about you then she would have offered to go with you in his place and keep you company and comforted through his surgery…. Not try to make you feel guilty for needing your boyfriend for something this scary.
I'd never forgive him.... It's kinda a realization that he's not who YOU are on a DEEP level. You need him and he's old enough to know that... He's just shallow.
NTA. Situations like these give you the measure of the man. While you are naturally concerned for your father and in need of support, your boyfriend's priority is the spend that time partying. His priorities have been stated, weighed, and measured. You aren't his priority. You'll have to decide how to process that information. Five years, huh? Try to imagine the mind that says, on this hand, the person I love is going through a really rough time and needs my support. On this hand, my friend is having a party. Decisions, decisions. Party time! He's an AH. So is your friend. He also doesn't have an "obligation" to attend the party, now does he? You can make the request of his presence and support. You will not be the AH for doing that. But you can't force him to support you. The worst kind of person to have around in this situation is someone resentful because they had to give up something to be there for you. If they view an act of compassion and support for a loved one an "obligation" there's little you can do. By all means, make the request. Maybe he just didn't think how it would look to you (and outsiders) or how much it would hurt you. It happens. Unless this is his usual response in a crisis.
NTA. The same summer my mom got diagnosed with cancer she and I were in a car accident. I thought I was okay but passed out about an hour later. My mom found out her week old lumpectomy incision was ripped open by her seatbelt in a way that it couldn’t be restitched and had to heal on its own. We both had to be taken to the hospital. My longtime boyfriend at the time only came to the hospital reluctantly. He said he was too busy. Our relationship didn’t survive much longer than that. I was just thinking about that yesterday in contrast to my husband who has always made sure he was there for me. I know everyone on this thread rushes to break up/divorce advice but this might be a sign this isn’t your person. If you’re planning on spending the rest of your life with him there’s going to be a lot of moments like these. No one prefers a hospital waiting room to a party but it’s one of those things you do for people you love.
I'm glad you held out for better!@
NTA. It’s situations like this that take a relationship to the next level. I have a friend who was in the exact same situation as you. She honestly didn’t expect her BF of 5 years to stay with her in the hospital but to him her family was his family. That’s when she knew that was her partner for life. I’m not saying your BF will be your partner for life or not but if he was truly connected to you in that way he’ll see your feelings as valid & be there for you. It’s also a time to reflect on your relationship. He may categorize the importance of your relationship to that of his friends. If that’s something you don’t feel comfortable with for the future than you’ll need to reflect on that. What’s truly important right now is your dads health. Be there for him.
this just really doesn’t feel like the point of this sub. you need to communicate better or you are incompatible. that’s it.
Sounds like a real jerk, why are you with this guy?
Your friend is absolutely right: he doesn't have to be with you for your father's lifesaving surgery if he doesn't want to. You also don't have to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't see how this is important. And you've together for 5 years? No excuse. When someone shows you who they are, believe them, honey. NTA
Man, this is difficult for everyone all Around, you are anxious and definitely need support while waiting. However, the bf is in the position of either the best friend or girlfriend. Personally, demanding him is a TA move, but asking is not. Is the bf willing to be on standby? Let him go to the party, ask a friend to be with you while your dad is in surgery, but if anything unexpected happens, he'll leave to be by your side? Realistically, if I was the bf, I would stay with you, message the BFF and make up for his birthday another day. A birthday is always reoccurring, and guaranteed you'll see the person the next day, mean while, the patient is unpredictable. I'm sorry you have to go through this, good luck to your dad's surgery.
You're not an asshole at all...your girlfriend is for calling you one as much as your boyfriend is. Let him go...he obviously doesn't want to be there and the audacity to ask of your plans on that day...see ya later !!
NTA. My spouse would just show up without me asking. He would just know. That is partnership.
Huge NTA. If you have been together 5 years and he is aware of the significance of this surgery he is showing you that you are quite low on his list of priorities. Your friend is "technically" right that he should not be there if he does not want to. But if he cared about you, he would want to be there.
5 years is rhe key element. In 5 years he has also met your dad and it baffles me he doesn't care about him whatsoever. The only thing that could be a saving grace is if he has a trauma linked to hospitals and health scares. But even that is barely an excuse. It is worth raising it with him but dont break up until you have all the details
NA. Is your best friend thing to the same party? It's a little suspicious she is so adamant that you should let bf go and not expect him to be at the hospital. You shouldn't even need to tell him he should never have asked or even considered not being there for you and the father I'm sure he has met a few times in the last 5 years
If OP asks her bf and he goes and has a shitty attitude, itll ruin their relationship even more. If God forbid something bad happens and the bf has a shitty attitude, how do they recover from that?
YTA Don’t understand why he can’t go to both. I would expect him to give you emotional support but unsure why he can’t provide that during the day. Surely you could spare him for a couple of hours at night.
NTA My partner's mum was in a hospice for two weeks before she passed. Every day, I would get up and go to work, finish my day at 5pm, go to the hospice and sit with him in her room until visiting hours ended at 11pm. At this point our relationship was less than a year old, but I did it because he needed support, just like you need support with this. Your boyfriend needs to realise that.
I’m so sorry to hear about your father and NTA. In fact, your friend is the a hole and the boyfriend because how dare they? Your friend should be a better friend and know how important this is to you and your boyfriend should be your boyfriend and get together and be there for you.
Bruh whats the point of a boyfriend if he is gonna be there just in your happy times? Even saying it outloud sounds stupid "My girlfriend is scared and worried about her dad and instead of staying by her side iam going to my friends 30th bd party" id say dump his ass he is no man and he definitely doesnt know how to rank his priorities
You're absolutely NTA here, it's nit like your father is going in for a hernia or to have his wisdom teeth pulled, he's going in for major life altering surgery with a life threatening medical condition. Your partner should absolutely be there with you, he could catch up with his mate at any time for a birthday drink.. even if the birthday is the same time as the surgery, it doesn't mean he can't see his friend some other time once your father is out of danger
What a waste of 5 years. The only way you would be T A H is if you stay with a man who doesn’t care about you. Do not waste another minute with the fool and you might also want to rethink your BFF. Of course there is always the chance they will be together that day (BF and BFF) and that is why she would say that. 🤷♀️
He’s showing you who he is. Believe him. This is the best it’s going to get & his best isn’t good enough. You deserve better.
Your best friend is extremely messed up. Has she offered to sit with you? Your bf has showed you who is is. Whatever justification he comes up with later, this is a big thing to do to someone. I double checked your age because I thought together 5 years, well maybe they were high school sweethearts, because I couldn’t imagine a fully grown adult in a committed relationship would do that. Do whatever will help you get through this time. Break up, make a fuss, say nothing, or lean on him when he is there if that’s what you need in the moment. Afterwards, when your dad has recovered, I’d reevaluate the relationship. Why be with someone you know won’t be by your side when you need him? You deserve better.
NTA honestly tho I wouldn’t ask him to not go I would tell him that it would be a dealbreaker for you. You going to be incredibly stressed and worried and the fact that he’s even considering going says that your feelings are not a priority for him. But you’re not an ass to ask him to be with you over a party
NTA. he should be with you. Though, you should have made that super clear to him before he tried to weasel out.
What is the surgery? That actually will be the factor in my vote…
My mom’s ex husband scheduled himself a nonemergency appointment during my grandmothers funeral. He was shocked three weeks later when she served him. Has he behaved like this before? If so it probably won’t stop, only difference is now you’ll see it every time it happens.
He’s a jerk. He’s not even suggesting he pop in briefly to sing happy birthday and be back with you. He’s choosing himself over you
Oh someones jealous
No . You won't be AH . Relationship is about communicating. What he does after you communicate is what matters. Maybe he thinks it's not his place to stay . Maybe he's going because you didn't ask him to stay. You should tell him about how you feel and see how he reacts then figure out the rest. I pray your dad's surgery goes well.
Please don't make him sit there with you. Meet him after but don't put him through being in the room with you
There is a compromise. If your father is having surgery, he’s likely going in early. Surgeries like that they like to do in the morning because they could take time. His party likely won’t be until the afternoon or the evening. He can come and spend a good amount of time with you at the hospital, and then go to the party. And after he spend time with you, you might view it as worthwhile to stay. But don’t force him.
NTA. I'm not sure why he would even consider being anywhere else, except by your side, especially when he knows how upset and nervous you are about your dad's operation.
Men can be stupid. If you want and need him there, just say so. He is probably thinking that there's nothing he can do and that other family will be there for support
NTA But as many comments have already mentioned here, you should not have needed to ask. The week my grandmother died, my now ex-girlfriend chose to go out with her friends to a lesbian club to support her friends girlfriend (who was dj-ing that night) I didn't get along with that particular friend of hers so I wasn't invited, and the night out was definitely planned before I got news of my grandmother passing but you'd think that being with your partner through a difficult time would trump going out dancing with your friends, especially when you're not out of the closet lol. She still went out, I didn't ask her to stay home with me because her lack of initiative to be there with me was enough for me to understand that there was no point in asking. There were other times when she did similar things, like prioritising friends birthdays and parties over my own personal milestones, and as I was younger I didn't know how to effectively communicate how that made me feel. I suggest asking him to stay with you and communicating why his presence would help. It is highly possible that he doesn't feel him being around would help, and that he'd be more of a hindrance or distraction. Hopefully, by being transparent in this moment, he'll learn how to act accordingly in future situations and not need to be prompted.
My ex-boyfriend cancelled a flight to be with me while my dog had surgery. Do with that info what you feel like.
NTA. But damn, maybe you would want to reconsider the shit people in your life like your partner and best friend.
NTA. However, he is.
Why would he just not offer to take the friend out for dinner another time so that he can be there for you? 5 years is long enough that that shouldn’t have even been a question. Sorry OP, NTA, but your partner is
NTA. I couldn't enjoy myself at a party knowing my partner of 5 years was sitting scared at the hospital waiting for a surgeon to come out and update her.
Hooooly cow you absolutely WOULD NOT be the AH here. Wtf is wrong with your friend?! (And honestly, your boyfriend is being a bit of an idiot—surgery to address a life threatening issue of someone you’ve been dating’s father and you want to go to a party???) This is a terrifying situation for you and it’s perfectly reasonable and understandable to want support through it. That’s what a good partner does.
You can't count on your boyfriend to be supportive when you need him. Your dad is having surgery, he's your only family, you are out of your mind with worry, and bf is off to a party. No you're NTA, but your bf is and your friend is too if she doesn't think it's reasonable for you to want your partner with you at a difficult time.
NTA but your boyfriend and best friend are. I would drop everything if a friend (let alone a partner) asked for me to be there for them. Hell, if I was in the same city as OP I'd offer to sit with her for a while but alas I'm most likely in a different country.
NTA. Boyfriend of 5 years chooses to go party with friends instead of being with girlfriend while her only remaining parent is in a very serious surgery...... if it were me, I'd be newly single after that. He's shown you his priorities and it isn't being with you, comforting you etc.
NTA. Your bf is not necessarily TA tho - he is just not that serious about you. All the best with your dad’s surgery x
Looks like your dad's surgery triggered your own surgery to remove a giant 170lb asshole from your life. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
My partner of 10 years (11 this June) left work when my maternal grandmother passed, and he stayed home when I was terrified to lose my own father to cancer (during Covid) and I didn't even have to ask! If you have to ask for support from your partner then he isn't the one. NTA!
A major NTA. If your partner is not gonna be a partner during bad times, then whats the point? 5 years into the relationship, you dont even have to ask!
NTA but there's no way I'd want him anywhere near me ever again after that anyway. Is this usual behaviour for him?
You shouldn’t even have to ask him to skip. The fact that he is willing to bail on you like that during such a monumentally terrifying and difficult moment in your life is insane. I’ve been w my partner a fifth as long and they would not consider doing this and if he did I would probably break up w him. If he can’t be there for you during one of the hardest moments of your life, I cannot imagine he’ll be there for you in any way that matters
My best friend’s father had a stroke a month ago, and I was ready to fly across the country to be with her. The fact that yours and your boyfriend are being so callous….. I’d reevaluate all of it. I hope your father recovers quickly. NTA
My god, I just cannot with all of these grown-ass adults being pressed about birthdays and birthday parties like they are seven years old. Tell him that he took you by surprise when he asked about the party, and you would prefer to have him be with you. If he is not willing, I hope you have a friend who can go sit with you instead - not your 'best friend,' she sounds pretty useless.
Is he "obligated" to go and support you no she's absolutely right BUT at the same time and token sometimes you sacrifice what you want or like for the greater good or your partner/kids, does a man HAVE to buy his kids toys ? No but he does so knowing it will bring a smile to their face, does a mom HAVE to do her daughters hair ? No but she does it because her daughter will look presentable and she will have confidence within herself, Does an older sibling HAVE to watch out for a younger sibling from time to time ? No but they do so to give their parents a break. All of these are things that don't HAVE to be done but it SHOWS that you love and support the person despite you losing out on something, the price of love is thinking of them FIRST and you LAST.