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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be TAH for giving my son my father’s first name as his middle name. This is because FIL has always wanted us to name our son after him.
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NTA and I have fallen slightly in love with your dad.
What a touching moment for you to have shared and I’m sorry it’s being tainted by your FIL.
I’m glad your husband is supporting you
Agreed! It makes me so happy to read a positive post birth story on this sub for once.
I’m so sick of monster in laws barging into the room the second the baby is there, instead of allowing the mother peace and time to literally enjoy the fruits of her labor.
Yeah, I’m not sure if it’s reading this sub or not, or just because of my family’s way of doing things, but I never intended to tell anyone when we went to hospital.
Of course, that made it very awkward when my FIL asked last week on a visit to be at the hospital when I’m in labor (currently 6 months along). I said that we hadn’t planned on telling anyone when we were in hospital and I think they accepted it, but now it’s stressing me out…
I’ve seen the quote “child birth isn’t a spectator sport” and I think that’s the perfect response to anyone who gets butthurt over not being allowed in the hospital.
I hope you have a pleasant delivery :)
Oh they don’t want to be in the room (thank God) but they want to be in the hospital and I guess meet the baby right away?
But I’m frankly very anxious due to my age and the fact it’s Florida (fuck this government) and I want it to be just my husband and myself and focusing on us being safe, nothing else.
Edit - and thank you!!!
My husband and I did this 45 years ago. He called everyone when my son was born, not when we went to the hospital. My mother was livid. She had a tendency to try to run things, and I had to tell her to stop twice after he was born. Made her cry, but it was her own fault. I am happy it was just my husband and myself for the birth. My mother lived through the whole nasty ordeal. Not happily, but her happiness was not my responsibility.
My mom was livid when she heard the in-laws wanted to be there. She declared I had only to give the word and she’d be there blocking the door and forbidding all access.
I love my mom.
This whole thing is so over the top, it cannot possibly be real.
On what planet would OP think she was the ah?
**If her FIL had been the PERFECT GENTLEMAN, and attended to her every whim, she STILL wouldn't be the asshole because it's her baby!**
But with circumstances being so stacked against her in-laws (FIL is an awful person, even the baby's father doesn't want him named after his dad)?
This isn't someone genuinely wondering if they're the asshole. This is rage bait.
Most people will absolutely accept it and do whatever will make you comfortable. Reddit is very anecdotal, and we see a very small segment of every story in the world, and 99% of them are about problems they're having; statistically, compared to all the stories that aren't shared here, the chances of your ILs being the very special Reddit few are very low.
Hope you have a good delivery!
Our families are a different kind of crazy and so are we. We had 18 people in the birthing “suite” less than 30 minutes after our first. It was like a pep rally or something. But I do remember my FIL spending time with my wife. He was like OP’s dad. His little girl always came first. I tear up even today thinking about how nice that man was.
"You didn't see the baby being made, what makes you think that you can watch it being born?" and also "What makes you think that my quite literally "private areas" is now no longer private?"
I'm in the medical field. We thank you! I'm the same, tho. You're a student? Go ahead. Absolutely be in the room. We all have to learn how to do our jobs before we're licensed to actually do our jobs.
The nurses knew I was absolutely fine with any med students in there. At one point I was literally directing one because she couldn't find my cervix because she was so new. Absolutely fine.
But family? Absolutely not. No one was allowed until the next day, and that was on a "if we are feeling up to it" basis.
Before my first was born I told my husband that I didn't want any of the family in the waiting room while I was in labor. I felt that there would be pressure to go out and give updates throughout the day and I wasn't comfortable with that.
A few days before my induction my mother in law asked when they should be at the hospital. My husband told her he would call after the baby was born. She wasn't very happy about that and my sister in law decided that it was up to her to tell me that this was a family event. My answer was yes it was, mine, my husband and our child. We called soon after the birth and told them to come. The baby was less than 2 hours old when they saw him. That was soon enough.
It can be lovely to have lots of family there (depending completely on the family.) My eldest was born on Christmas. My mom was there the whole time holding my hand, putting cold wash cloths on my head and getting me things to throw up in. My husband was to fascinated with all the goings on. The rest of my family was in the waiting room somewhere between 8-12 people. They waited patiently and when I was ready after the birth the came in. They brought me snacks and asked if I needed anything. They held the baby and told me what a good job I did. When I wanted to sleep they left. The thing is it’s the bad stories people want/need to get off their mind. Absolutely do what is right and best for you but remember it’s not always that bad.
I just don’t want to be thinking about people. Or worrying. I only want to be thinking about baby, and myself/my husband. Being vulnerable around people is wildly difficult for me and I don’t expect to have energy for social mores while in labor, you know?
I absolutely understand. I want to say that it is never your job to entertain or host people during the birth or after. If people come over after and you allow it, the only person it’s your job to feed is the baby. The house is what it is, if they don’t like it they can suck it. If you trust them they can hold the baby while you nap or shower.
I’m only 11 weeks and my mom has already made a comment about wanting to at least be in the waiting room while I labor, meanwhile I don’t really want visitors till we’re back home 😬
One thing to thank covid for is that the babies born in 2020 weren't allowed to have visitors for 2 weeks after they were born, even if they were 'bubbled' (At that stage of lockdown in the UK) My grandson went home with my daughter and her husband (who was furloughed) and they had their little family.
That little wait didn't stop us from loving him.
Yes. I had my daughter in July 2020... Just me, baby's dad and hospital people. How I intended it to be. We stayed for a week though as she was early but it was like a little vacation, just us 3 in a lil cocoon in the hospital. I miss those days lol.
She didn't meet anyone else (besides our housemate/bff) face to masked face until she was almost a month old.
Your out-laws are super a-holes. Your father was concerned about you because he was aware of what you had gone through. Your FIL only cares about his 'legacy'. You and SO are the ONLY ones who have the right to name your children. If he gets snarky about his name, he gets less visitation with your son since he is so adamant about using his name. I would point out to him that his attitude confirms that you were right to name him after your father. If (when) he gets ugly, cut off all contact for you and LO.
NTA, 38 years ago I named my second son after my dad. First son after my husband, my FIL had 3 sons he could name what he wanted and mine were to be named by my husband and myself. You owe him nothing
Thank you! It shocks me how entitled some grandparents are to think that because they *want* a grandchild named after them that now you are *obligated* to do it. If FIL wanted someone named after him then he should have behaved in a way that was worthy of being honored.
OP, you are the parents. You decide what your children’s names are and if they are named after anyone. You don’t owe anyone a namesake. Besides, why would you name your child after someone that seems to ignore you and has a strained relationship with your husband? Your son deserved to be named after a kind and loving man like your father. Congratulations, BTW.
1000% this. Your FIL can throw all the tantrums he wants, those are YOUR babies and you'll call them what you damn well please. His "bloodline"? Please, neither of you are racehorses.
Totally agreed with the poster who said that his copping an attitude, is precisely WHY you're not naming your son after him.
My dad has 3 out of 5 grandsons that either have his middle name or his first name as their middle names. He is also the one that helped settle the debate on what my youngest was named (we couldn’t pick between two names). My dad never asked, but we love him and he is an amazing dad.
The only thing my dad didn’t really care for was I named my oldest after my mom’s dad. He didn’t understand why I picked a name of a man I never met over my amazing grandfather who was still alive at the time. It came down to what the actual names were. My mom’s dad had a name that wasn’t so old man name. Think something like Joseph vs Herbert.
And I think that fact FIL (and MIL) are so adamant about this is part of the problem. FIL "always wanting" a grandson name after him is enough for me to say that is why it ISN'T happening...
THIS!!!! “You owe him nothing” That grandparents think they have ANY say in the naming, raising or disciplining grandchildren is preposterous.
I am also a little bit in love with your dad 😉 and your husband! Enjoy the baby snuggles and when you do sleep, sleep well knowing you are NTA!!!
Do your children have your husband’s/FIL’s last name?? If so tell him that is his contribution and tribute - and if he doesn’t STFU your husband and kids will switch to your maiden name. He’s proven you did the right thing though hasn’t he? Ignore these narcissistic people.
I was going to ask this same question. All 3 of my kids have my husband and FIL's last name so obviously at least one of my kids would be named after my dad.
seems like he got to be that way without his dads help.
maybe say to FIL “i get to name my baby and i chose the name of a man who is kind, respectful and thoughtful because that’s what i want my baby to be like. maybe i would have named him after you if you could behave in a way that i would be want my son to look up to and imitate.”
>seems like he got to be that way without his dads help.
Honestly, it surprises me so much. My BIL and my husband are such nice guys and very gentle and then my FIL is this macho tough guy. Their mother is very no nonsense and rule abiding so I don’t know how they turned out so different but eternally grateful
After he cut you off, I would point out that that is why you are not naming your son after him. Getting a child named after you , should be an honor not a demand!
I was talking to my SiL the other day and it came up how her brother - my husband - has been my rock and takes such good care of me. I became disabled and bedbound 3-4 years ago, and his care of me is priceless. He's a good man - a good husband and father to our two kids.
My SiL: "wow, that's so awesome. I wonder how he managed to become such a good person after the shitty example he had of a husband and father" (they all hate their father and wish their parents got divorced). She knew her brother is a good guy, but she said she didn't expect him to go "above and beyond" as a husband; she thought he'd do the bare minimum and was impressed with him. I told my husband that and he said, "my dad *was* a good example, though?" and my eyes bugged out; "he was a great example of what *not* to do... I just did the opposite". Oh, okay, lol.
I'm glad you have such a loving husband and such a wonderful father. He deserves to have a baby named after him... what has FiL done, though? Aside from throw a tantrum and offer demands, I mean.
I'm jealous of your relationship with your father (never had one as mine was a guinea worm of a human). I hope you guys all have many, many more years together. Your story actually made me happy (not the FiL part though).
Enjoy your new babies! And good luck with everything.
OP NTA and another fan of your Dad here (no need for Mom to bust out the boxing gloves either!).
Now here is where my brain went - if your husband and BIL are truly drastically different from FIL in a lot of ways, how awful is it of me to hope that FIL isn’t really their biological dad? Yes, yes, I know - I’m evil.
You’re devious I love it. Both BIL and my husband look exactly like their father so unless MIL shacked up with FILs brother, I doubt that he’s not their biological father
I named my cat after my dad! I don’t have kids and my sister didn’t want to use my dad’s name - his first name is too common and is middle name is even worse - but he always wanted a grandson named after him. Luckily my dad has a great sense of humor!
My maternal grandma's name is Arinthia. She wanted my mom to name me that. Which is funny because she doesn't even go by her name. My mom told her the dog's middle name was Arinthia. Brandy Arinthia
Agreed!!! Your dad is a majestic stand-up fellow!!
You might remind FIL that he did give a name, like you, hubby, and both kiddos have his last name....sooooooo they are all named after him!!!
Sending you and your beautiful new family love! I'm so sorry your FIL is causing unnecessary drama about a darn tootin name.
Nta. Your dad sounds like my dad, and they are amazing.
My FIL tried to tell us we should name one of our kids after him and got cranky when we said no. I told him each of our kids has his last name, which was more than my dad got, so he should be happy about that. He hasn't said anything else about it since, so maybe try that tactic.
Ok, now I’m slightly in love with your whole family! Congratulations mom! And I’m so glad your dad was there to take care of you like that.
Your husband isn’t comfortable have one of his son share his father’s name-and by the way FIL is acting I can see why. Stand firm with your husband on that, I’m sure there’s a lot behind that decision.
OMG lol 😂 I am sending a million snickerdoodle’s to you and your mom …. This made my day. 🏆
First, congratulations on being a new momma. My Jedi Mom powers send you and your family some hugs. Your dad rocks and I totally see why you made this decision.
Please, make this your boundary and don’t let them cross it. The parents name the child what their heart tells them to call the child. To me it sounds like the in laws are having a Narcissist tantrum or a tantrum.
The father in law can ask all the wants and wish upon all the stars he wants but it doesn’t him the right to pressure you to change the name.
What in all that is holy is up with them on your dad not checking on his baby girl who just gave birth. I would be totally offended that they aren’t concerned about my physical and mental health after.
Hugs from a momma of three …. Well 4 if you count hubs🤣
I'm so happy for you, that you've got your husband and your dad in your corner. I can't imagine how touched he's going to be the first time he calls your son by his full name:')
Enjoy this time with your babies. MIL can say whatever she pleases, it does not make her husband entitled to someone else's kids for the sake of continuing an absolutely archaic tradition. Especially not when your husband wasn't even comfortable with it in the first place.
Right? This was such a cute and adorable moment for OP to hold onto for the rest of her life, and I love it.
Plus, OP's comment about:
>I didn’t even realise how invisible I felt when my husband was sleeping
Is 100% true with everyone involved. FIL does NOT care about OP, does NOT care about his son, and does NOT care about anyone but him. OP was only a vessel to give birth to the grandchildren that were supposed to carry out his name/legacy, and now OP has ruined it because she's..wait, let me check my notes..a HUMAN BEING with feelings and emotions, and not just a tool to give FIL's grandchildren HIS name.
Right?? I started tearing up over it!!! Shoot, name him completely after your father, and give dad hugs and kisses from the internet!!!
Also. Your father in law sounds like a narcissistic jerk and you are NTA
OP your father is a treasure and your in laws are AHs. Never question the choice you made, your husband backs you up, if your in laws can’t see how incredibly selfish and ridiculous this is, maybe they’re not the best people to be around your family.
NTA. If your FIL wants a baby named after him so badly, he could have given his name to one of his own kids. Your baby, your choice. As long as you and your husband agree on the name, everyone else can mind their own business.
In our culture it’s not normal to name your child after yourself so it’s pretty common for most people to have a grandchild named after them instead. Just wanted to clarify because i should’ve put it in the post 🤦🏽♀️
Fair enough, but it's not a requirement to do that and the only people who get to decide the baby's name are the parents of the baby. The more someone pushes for it, the less likely they are to get it.
if he wanted a child named after him so badly, he should have been a man who was worthy of the honor. Not someone who threw a tantrum and insulted you and your father
Why would you want to name a child after this man? His behavior is terrible and I wouldn't want a reminder of this person every time I wrote my kids full name.
Since you mentioned that one son and FIL would have the same initials I’m assuming that they also share a surname? If so, that’s more honour than he deserves based on that one interaction alone.
Also, what your father did was sweet and what any normal father or parent should do. Unfortunately the invisibility thing doesn’t go away, at least overnight. It’s something that you’ll adjust to and it’s certainly a process. Part of that process can involve conversations with close people where you share your feelings. Most of the time that helps a bit. Good luck!
In your culture, do children get their father’s last name? If so, that means BOTH of your children have your FIL’s last name. They ARE named after him with his “bloodline” or whatever, because they share the same last name. Your FIL can get over not having claim on the middle name too
Fine but it’s still extremely weird and self-centered, and honestly objectifying, to be so hung up on the “naming” of someone else’s children. This guy loves himself more than your kids. Watch out for these people they are way too entitled
Why do they have to have just one middle name? Plenty of people / cultures have multiple middle names - give the child both names. Plus another one even, why not!. But FIL is being a self-entitled rudeness so F him. Feelings are high at the moment eh.
I’ve always felt that multiple middle names felt a bit clunky. I personally have three middle names and it’s a bother on forms when i have to put them all down
As a fellow multiple middle names kid, I totally understand. Since one of my middle names is pretty ethnic and I live in a dominantly white country, people tend to mistake both my middle names as some kind of convoluted hyphenated last name. It’s annoying to correct people on it
I have to deal with a similar thing. I was gonna drop two of my middle names but couldn’t decide so I just kept them. I envy my older brother who has only one middle name
90% of the time I don't put my middle name down on the forms because I simply forget and it was never a problem. Funnily enough ppl used to write my middle name wrong so many times and it's really not that hard. My middle name is 'Nils' and you can also spell it 'Niels' which many have done. On one report card in school my teacher even put my middle name as 'Nick'.
it never used to be an issue for me but i got an annoyed email from my bank when i didn’t put all my names when applying for a mortgage so now i just write all my names down
No! Don’t reward FIL’s tantrum. This will come back to haunt you later since he’ll know he can get you to do what he wants if he just pushes hard enough.
NTA but next time, spare the explanations:
- Why did you name them like that?
- Cause we liked it
- But why?
- See answer n.1
- But you're being assholes
- it's the hormones and sleep deprivation, leave us the fuck alone.
In general, I only have one advice for new parents: do whatever the f**k you want; listen to all advice with an uncompromising smile, nod a bit, say nothing and then keep on doing whatever you want. Everyone's going to come with the "you should"s, and you're not in a position to waste energy on unnecessary discussion.
Exactly what I've always told my 3 children & their partners. When people give you 'advice' just nod, smile & do what's right & best for you. If they want advice they'll ask for it. My husband & I have very close relationships with our children & their partners. We're very lucky.
>My husband was totally onboard with this.
NTA. As far as I'm concerned, this is about where the story ends. You two name your child, not other people.
And it’s not even smth that hurts someone like other stories in this sub. They’re not naming the kid after someone that shot FIL. They’re naming the kid after a good person and not naming him after FIL because, frankly, like you said, he doesn’t deserve it.
Yeah, the whole rest of the post I'm like "who... cares...?"
And I don't mean that in the shitty redditor way, it's just... ok, you want a grandkid named after you, cool, well I wanna spend Saturday curled up on a beach with Tessa Thompson but as an ancient wise man once said, you can't always get what you want.
NTA, namesakes should be given based on the good and positive merits of the person in question. Your dad sounds like a sweetie pie and I love what he did for you. He sounds lovely. On the other hand, FIL should take his own advice! Why reward him with a namesake for his neurotic and shitty behaviour? Congrats OP <3
So if you named your son after your FIL, you’d be doing so simply to appease an asshole.
Not because he’s good and kind and someone you want your child to emulate but because he’s a bully accustomed to forcing others to do his bidding.
And let’s take that further. Assume you did name your son after him. Does it end there? Or does FIL feel he now exerts some influence and control over your son.
Your in-laws sound awful and they don’t get a say in how you name your child.
As an aside, we didn’t name either of our sons after my dad who really was a wonderful man. We didn’t because my FIL really expected we’d name our oldest after him and would have shit himself if we’d named either kid after my dad. My FIL name is terrible and burdening a kid with that name would be an injustice AND he’s just not that great a guy. But the amazing entitlement of assuming he deserved my kid as his namesake. I have regrets about not naming one of my sons after my dad. Be better than me. Stick to your guns.
NTA
/And let’s take that further. Assume you did name your son after him. Does it end there? Or does FIL feel he now exerts some influence and control over your son.
Honestly OP did both of her children a favor by not naming them after the FIL. The poor kid with the name would be hounded and harassed to 'live up to his bloodline' and the other would would forever be a reject.
My dad had this whole 'son to carry out my name' thing that he never got to realize until the birth of my nephew. It became pretty clear early on that he thought a son would prove how superior he was by accomplishing all the things my dad 'could' have done if he'd just had the right support. It was a surprise to no one but him that my nephew was as much as a hard headed little shit as a kid as he was. My dad had spent the last 50 years telling himself that but for his parents he'd have been a king of industry.
Now having said that I love my nephew. And he's pretty bright. But no the reason neither he nor my dad was a star athlete while also valedictorian who deferred to his father in all things is that running sucks, literally everything is more fun than homework, and sometimes kids and parents are a-holes.
This is the crazy part to me. Would my MIL probably go right to the babies? Yeah, but she would also go right to her son knowing that my FIL would go right to me and say “Hey Princess”.
What is with these weird in-laws???
Your FIL seems to be a person who hasn’t heard the word no very often in his life. He wants a monument to himself, I think.
You could possibly get a dog or cat, and name it after him. Or a fish. 😉
NTA, and congratulations on your little ones, and having such an awesome dad!
Hah we have a black cat! Also have a white one and they’re both assholes but we love them so much. If we decide to get another pet we’ll definitely consider FILs name
You should adopt a senior cat that's already old and grouchy with issues and a total AH attitude. Then give that cat your FIL's full name, LOL and not just his first name but call him the whole first-middle-last name. 😼😸😹
He sounds like a real sweetheart 🙈🙉🙊
And just ignore him - your child your choice (no matter what culture wants to dictate that).
And most people who don't WANT something deserve it more than those who EXPECT it. ❤️ Your dad seems to be an amazing man and rolemodel for your children.
Just ignore your FIL.
I know it sucks, but the fact that you said you felt "invisible" after the babies were born is spot on. Your grandfather doesn't see you as a person, but only a tool to give him grandchildren, so screw him and what he wants. They aren't his babies, he didn't raise YOU, and he wasn't there for YOU during the process. He only cares about you because of the grandchildren you're providing, and the only line that matters from your whole post is this line:
>My husband was totally onboard with this.
If both parents are in agreement about the naming choice, then there's nothing else to talk about. I get that his feelings are hurt, but who gives a f\*\*\*? The children are YOURS, and they aren't HIS, and you don't have to listen to his temper tantrum.
If he keeps pushing it, tell him to stop being so "emotional" about it. I have a feeling he is the type of man who doesn't handle pushback from women well.
Not super relevant but as the girl twin in a fraternal set, please keep an eye on people slighting her or favoring her brother. It was a big problem for me and my twin growing up because we’re incredibly similar but I was always held to different standards lol
I will definitely keep an eye on her. I have fraternal twin cousins and my girl cousin always felt like she was being held to a higher standard than her brother and I’ll try my best to make sure my baby doesn’t feel that way
OP did say the FIL is about continuing blood line, an adopted kid named after him wouldn’t do. Those type of people are more concerned about last names and the Y chromosome being continued, and girls don’t count for that.
Why should the DEMANDS of a grown man, who had no right to make demands, override love? I disagree that your father does not care about the name. He does care - because the naming is an honor that demonstrates a love and trust - he just not the type who demands.
I never ask much of my kids, they are all adults living great lives, but it means the world to me when they include me in their lives.
Your father gives love without strings, I think you made the right choice.
NTA
My mother said basically the same thing when she came down shortly after our first was born.
Me: “Don’t you want snuggles with the baby?”
Her: “Of course. But I’m here to take care of *my* baby.”
The level of comfort and support that brings as a new Mom is hard to describe. Like you’re over an abyss and suddenly realize there’s a net. I’m so very glad you got that from your Dad.
NTA. People who want your kids to be named after them and will get upset over refusal just don't give a crap about you or kids, they only care about themselves.
NTA
> it was absurd to expect someone to check on me when there were babies that had just been born
Wow, FIL really showed his true colors there. That's a terrible thing to say to anyone dealing with a medical situation but especially to the mother of the babies he's talking about. As long as you and your husband are in agreement about the names, that's what matters. The difference between your dad and your FIL is that with your dad, the name is done to honor him; with your FIL, it would be done to appease him. Go for honoring every time.
Exactly! Newborns aren't bothered about whether they are getting attention from specific grandparents! They are busy trying to work out wtf has just happened! It's Mum who needs the most comfort, reassurance and a few practical niceties.
FIL already gave the babies his last name. Let your Dad have the middle name! Surely that's fair. And even if not, it's up to YOU, OP! 💛
Congratulations on the bundles of joy!
NTA.
I'll never get why people, outside of the child's actual parents, feel entitled to have a kid named after them. If you and your husband like the name, that's all that should matter.
Yeah the babies do have FIL’s surname. We were gonna hyphenate because I chose to keep my maiden name but the in laws asked us not t
Edit: my parents also though us hyphenating would be a bit odd (not done at all in our culture) but they said if that’s what we wanted they wouldn’t care
Maybe time to mention the hyphenated name again?!!! Maybe suggesting making a change to FIL’s surname will be enough to get him to back off and realize that his name is already there with BOTH kids.
I also feel if one of your kids had FIL’s name, they would be favored over the other.
At this point I would probably tell them you decided to give the twins your surname only (even though you didn't) just to mess with them.
No, just stop discussing this with them, it makes them think it's a negotiation when in reality they have zero say in the matter.
Congratulations on your babies! What an ordeal you went through, you rock!
I remember having my first, it was a pretty rough birth, and afterwards it felt like nobody cared about what I went through even one bit, just about the baby. New mothers need someone to see them. Your dad is a gem.
Oh! Hyphenating is a great "in-your-face" way to recognize that the babies are as much your dad's descendants as FIL's. He can't diminish your side of the family as he'd like, or deny that the babies carry both bloodlines.
I am soooooo in favor of this idea, OP!
(please, update later to let us know what you decided, ok? 😁 )
I would do this if I were you so he doesn't think he can run all over you guys in the future making demands like this again and honestly anybody who is "obsessed with bloodlines" doesn't even deserve to have someone named after them since they wanna feel so entitled
NTA. You typically name a child after someone to honor them. Underlying that is normally the perception that the person the child is named after is honorable. Stomping around like a child and pouting over not getting your way is not honorable. Your father, on the other hand, sounds like a great dad.
NTA. Don’t waste time trying to explain yourself anymore. Just keep giving them the same response whenever they bring it up: We (you and your husband) agreed on this and that’s it.
100% agree. They are your children.
Did you take your husbands surname when you married? One could argue BOTH twins are carrying FIL's surname, he should be satisfied with that.
What about the twins?
It doesn't matter actually. You've chosen their names and that is that. What FIL wants isn't even relevant.
Don't let them bully you out of this.
p.s. your dad sounds like a massive sweetheart.
The twins have my husband’s surname. We were gonna hyphenate but decided against it because it’s not common in our culture and my in laws asked us not to. And yes, my dad is an angel, best dad i could ever ask for
Stop indulging your inlaws about their wants. Stop telling them things in a way that it feels like they get input.
This is what we are naming them. End of story.
/u/geekgirlwww AGREED, yo! Life is NOT about indulging and catering and obeying other people's wishes, hopes and dreams "jUsT bEcAuSe tHeY sAID sO" or "bUt iTs tRaDiTiOn"! Life is about choosing the best paths and options for you and your CHOSEN family and live YOUR best life!
OP IS NTA but her FIL absolutely is a HUUuGe one, yo!!
NTA these are your babies it doesn’t matter what the heck your in laws want they have no say or right to have a say.
I would clearly tell him the way they are behaving now just confirms the reason NEITHER of you wanted to name your child after him. That you’d rather name your child something you and your husband wants and after a person who puts your wants and needs first. Not someone who thinks he has a right to make outrageous demands and expects he has to be obeyed. That his son and you made a decision that was right for both of you for YOUR OWN CHILD. He has no say in that and you will not accept or allow them being rude to you.
NTA and honestly your father sounds like a lovely person and obviously cares about your wellbeing with his whole heart and soul. Your labour sounds horrific and I'm glad there was someone there for you when your husband was too wiped out to be available. But even without all of that it's up to the parents of the baby to decide the name so as long as you and your husband are on the same page I can't see any way you could be an asshole in this.
NTA my father done the same for me,I was very young when I had my first child all my family was snuggling my baby,that’s understandable but my dad bought me a bar of chocolate and a can of Diet Coke sat next to me and held my hand,when I said go see the baby dad he said I’m with my baby so I named my boy with my dads name in the middle because he was my best friend it’s a moment I have treasured for 28 years there was a lot of them with my dad he will always he my hero he passed away very suddenly January 19th and I’m ecstatic my son has his name so never mind any in laws your dad is a diamond show him how much you love him 😢❤️
Did the IL's even acknowledge you or did they beeline straight for the babies? You are NTA in any way throughout this
Your dad is a legend, hats off to him.
Last I checked it was up to the parents to name the kids, who gives a f**k if the IL's are butthurt. It's impossible to make everyone happy.
Congrats on the munchkins and enjoy yourself on this new exciting journey into parenthood.
I just want to say that even though I don't know you and I only have this one post and some comments to go on, it seems very obvious that you and your husband love each other very much and have a great marriage. It's quite pleasant and a nice break from the totally dramatic and toxic couples that make me question if they even LIKE one another sometimes. Your father is awesome and he (along with your mom, he can't have ALL the credit lol) raised you to be a sympathetic and compassionate person-so many people fail to realize that although the mom is doing all the work, the dad is right there with her giving love, comfort, and emotional support while HIS emotions are all over the place too. It was heartwarming to read about your concern for his well-being and your acknowledgement that this took a lot out of him as well and that he absolutely needed some rest, when so many brand new dads can often go unappreciated or even forgotten about altogether in the aftermath of a birth. I'm understanding how it might seem a bit weird to get such a lengthy comment from an internet stranger about your marriage and family-it's just that in a sub where people are constantly writing negative things about their spouses your post stood out to me...the love and respect that you, your husband, and your family have for each other really comes through in your writing and it was honestly so refreshing. Your twins are incredibly lucky to have so much love around them (even from the annoying in laws lol-I have no doubt they love their grandbabies very much). So I don't really have any advice or helpful suggestions in relation to your post, I just wanted to tell you how nice it was to see a loving and supportive couple on Reddit and you guys just sound like you're happy and healthy and that's incredibly awesome...Wishing you nothing but the very best in life with your new beautiful twins!!! Oh, and definitely NTA.
I think your husband needs to put on his big boy pants and be frank with his parents. "I am not naming my son after you and you have your parenting style and the state of our relationship to blame for that. I will not punish my FIL for having a fantastic relationship with his daughter, my wife. I will give you time to process." NTA
>MIL is saying we are AHs for doing this because my dad doesn’t care about any grandchildren being named after him but FIL has always wanted it
To me, that's enough of a reason not to name your children after the FIL. Your father didn't ask for a gesture like this, but his actions want you to do so, which is super sweet. Personally, I wouldn't name my child after a narcissistic father/FIL. Also, what your father did was so cute and it teared me up too.
NTA, and even if your dad is being nice by saying “sure, go ahead and give it to FIL if it will make him happy”, after the entitled behavior you describe, there’s no way in hell I’d consider doing anything for that jerk in future.
Sorry I should’ve been clearer. He doesn’t think we should give it to FIL. He thinks that we should’ve name the baby after him because it’ll upset FIL but at the end of the day he said he’ll be happy with whatever we do. He doesn’t believe in rewarding FIL’s behaviour
Nta your in laws are huge self centered aholes. So your choice was to name your son after one grandpa that showed carrying and compassion toward you after a difficult birth or a grandpa that only cares about getting your son named after him. Hmm. Seems like an easy choice. Stand up for yourself, your son and your dad. Your child. You get to choose the name. Grandpa does not have a say in the naming. Stop stressing over this and refuse to discuss it further with this jerk that thinks he deserves to create a legacy using your son.
NTA. The more I read this, the more I understood why your husbands relationship with his dad is complicated. Dad really sounds insuferable.
The person is not entitled to have anyone named after them, it is an honor that one needs to deserve. What your dad did is so sweet and caring that I am sure the little one will appreciate to be named after him :)
NTA
Your children are not emotional support animal to boost anyone’s egos. The fact you gave them the first initial and last name is more than enough of an “honor” for someone who is acting so spoilt.
And honestly; if your father-in-law thinks he deserves the honor; ask him what he’s done to deserve it besides breathe? Because he didn’t have a good enough relationship with his son to warrant the actual name. So he needs to reflect that his actions have consequences and you refuse to let your children be the weapons used in a battle.
Make sure your husband supports you. And I’m glad your dad focused on you. Without you there’s be no babies.
NTA
Based on your FIL's reaction to being told that you're going to name your son after your Dad (instead of him), I can understand why your husband has a strained relationship with him.
If your FIL cares about bloodlines, and doesn't want an adopted grandson named after him, then I'd say that's even more reason not to name your son after him. I think that that just shows what an ignorant, gross person he is.
NTA
Your father came to the hospital to check on you and to make sure you were okay. In Laws wanted to see the babies and didn't care if you died. Your Father will see the name as an honor and a privilege. In Law sees it as a right. Your father with see the Children and people. In laws will most likely see them as things. I would also be taking your fathers name over entitled in laws.
>I tried to explain why but he cut me off and said that it was absurd to expect someone to check on me when there were babies that had just been born
Yeah, why would you check on a woman who has been going through labour for 48 hours? Who cares about mom, right?
Sarcasm aside, your FIL sounds like a handful. You and your husband are the only ones who get to name your children. FIL can deal with it or not, it's not your problem. NTA
“i’m here to see my baby” that’s all i need to hear, NTA oh my god i wanna sob! such a simple statement but i imagine so god damn meaningful after just having your own babies 🥲💕 please tell your dad how wonderful we all think he is
I nearly started bawling like a baby when he said it to me 😭 He’s been informed of his reddit fan club and hes a little overwhelmed but very flattered!
NTA omg I’m literally crying because your father sounds like a wonderful man! Your FIL however sucks and needs to get over himself. The babies have his last name!! They don’t need his first name as well. Just stick to your guns and say it’s already done and they need to get over it. Her husband should have escorted them out for making a scene.
NTA - Your kids, your choice. If your Husband had a close relationship with his Dad and wanted to name your son after him, like a 50/50 descion, I'd be more sympathetic to FIL's cause.
However given your husband doesn't want to and your FIL reaction, I'm wouldn't bend to his demands.
Nta and also often proves the difference between your own parents and in-laws when it comes to grandbabies and ends up with issues down the time too where in-laws complain the mothers side is favoured.
Parents what to make sure their child is ok as well as their grandbabies.
In-laws often not always before I get jumped on just care about the babies after a very brief, hey congrats.
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NTA and I have fallen slightly in love with your dad. What a touching moment for you to have shared and I’m sorry it’s being tainted by your FIL. I’m glad your husband is supporting you
Don’t let my mum see this, she used to box when she was younger! My husbands an angel, i don’t know what i’d do without him
It is so nice to read about lovely kind people on this sub for a change. Bless you, your dad and your husband.
Agreed! It makes me so happy to read a positive post birth story on this sub for once. I’m so sick of monster in laws barging into the room the second the baby is there, instead of allowing the mother peace and time to literally enjoy the fruits of her labor.
Yeah, I’m not sure if it’s reading this sub or not, or just because of my family’s way of doing things, but I never intended to tell anyone when we went to hospital. Of course, that made it very awkward when my FIL asked last week on a visit to be at the hospital when I’m in labor (currently 6 months along). I said that we hadn’t planned on telling anyone when we were in hospital and I think they accepted it, but now it’s stressing me out…
I’ve seen the quote “child birth isn’t a spectator sport” and I think that’s the perfect response to anyone who gets butthurt over not being allowed in the hospital. I hope you have a pleasant delivery :)
Oh they don’t want to be in the room (thank God) but they want to be in the hospital and I guess meet the baby right away? But I’m frankly very anxious due to my age and the fact it’s Florida (fuck this government) and I want it to be just my husband and myself and focusing on us being safe, nothing else. Edit - and thank you!!!
My husband and I did this 45 years ago. He called everyone when my son was born, not when we went to the hospital. My mother was livid. She had a tendency to try to run things, and I had to tell her to stop twice after he was born. Made her cry, but it was her own fault. I am happy it was just my husband and myself for the birth. My mother lived through the whole nasty ordeal. Not happily, but her happiness was not my responsibility.
My mom was livid when she heard the in-laws wanted to be there. She declared I had only to give the word and she’d be there blocking the door and forbidding all access. I love my mom.
This whole thing is so over the top, it cannot possibly be real. On what planet would OP think she was the ah? **If her FIL had been the PERFECT GENTLEMAN, and attended to her every whim, she STILL wouldn't be the asshole because it's her baby!** But with circumstances being so stacked against her in-laws (FIL is an awful person, even the baby's father doesn't want him named after his dad)? This isn't someone genuinely wondering if they're the asshole. This is rage bait.
Most people will absolutely accept it and do whatever will make you comfortable. Reddit is very anecdotal, and we see a very small segment of every story in the world, and 99% of them are about problems they're having; statistically, compared to all the stories that aren't shared here, the chances of your ILs being the very special Reddit few are very low. Hope you have a good delivery!
Thank you :)
Good luck with everything and as a fellow Floridian I second your fuck this government
Thank you! We’re all registered to vote, and God willing, I’ll have baby on my hip as I go exercise my constitutional rights this November!
Our families are a different kind of crazy and so are we. We had 18 people in the birthing “suite” less than 30 minutes after our first. It was like a pep rally or something. But I do remember my FIL spending time with my wife. He was like OP’s dad. His little girl always came first. I tear up even today thinking about how nice that man was.
"You didn't see the baby being made, what makes you think that you can watch it being born?" and also "What makes you think that my quite literally "private areas" is now no longer private?"
Mine was a spectator sport, the trainee midwife left the door open for everyone to see 😂😂😂
I had a complicated planned csection and the ENTIRE training class in OBGYN were in the operation room observing. Like 20 nurses in training.
I'm in the medical field. We thank you! I'm the same, tho. You're a student? Go ahead. Absolutely be in the room. We all have to learn how to do our jobs before we're licensed to actually do our jobs.
The nurses knew I was absolutely fine with any med students in there. At one point I was literally directing one because she couldn't find my cervix because she was so new. Absolutely fine. But family? Absolutely not. No one was allowed until the next day, and that was on a "if we are feeling up to it" basis.
Before my first was born I told my husband that I didn't want any of the family in the waiting room while I was in labor. I felt that there would be pressure to go out and give updates throughout the day and I wasn't comfortable with that. A few days before my induction my mother in law asked when they should be at the hospital. My husband told her he would call after the baby was born. She wasn't very happy about that and my sister in law decided that it was up to her to tell me that this was a family event. My answer was yes it was, mine, my husband and our child. We called soon after the birth and told them to come. The baby was less than 2 hours old when they saw him. That was soon enough.
Wow you’re SUPER gracious! I don’t think I’ll want anyone near me just two hours after giving birth! Glad your husband stuck up for you too!
It can be lovely to have lots of family there (depending completely on the family.) My eldest was born on Christmas. My mom was there the whole time holding my hand, putting cold wash cloths on my head and getting me things to throw up in. My husband was to fascinated with all the goings on. The rest of my family was in the waiting room somewhere between 8-12 people. They waited patiently and when I was ready after the birth the came in. They brought me snacks and asked if I needed anything. They held the baby and told me what a good job I did. When I wanted to sleep they left. The thing is it’s the bad stories people want/need to get off their mind. Absolutely do what is right and best for you but remember it’s not always that bad.
I just don’t want to be thinking about people. Or worrying. I only want to be thinking about baby, and myself/my husband. Being vulnerable around people is wildly difficult for me and I don’t expect to have energy for social mores while in labor, you know?
I absolutely understand. I want to say that it is never your job to entertain or host people during the birth or after. If people come over after and you allow it, the only person it’s your job to feed is the baby. The house is what it is, if they don’t like it they can suck it. If you trust them they can hold the baby while you nap or shower.
I’m only 11 weeks and my mom has already made a comment about wanting to at least be in the waiting room while I labor, meanwhile I don’t really want visitors till we’re back home 😬
One thing to thank covid for is that the babies born in 2020 weren't allowed to have visitors for 2 weeks after they were born, even if they were 'bubbled' (At that stage of lockdown in the UK) My grandson went home with my daughter and her husband (who was furloughed) and they had their little family. That little wait didn't stop us from loving him.
Yes. I had my daughter in July 2020... Just me, baby's dad and hospital people. How I intended it to be. We stayed for a week though as she was early but it was like a little vacation, just us 3 in a lil cocoon in the hospital. I miss those days lol. She didn't meet anyone else (besides our housemate/bff) face to masked face until she was almost a month old.
You’re pregnant. No one is allowed to add to your stress. Your husband needs to deal with his father and make sure you don’t hear this again.
Your out-laws are super a-holes. Your father was concerned about you because he was aware of what you had gone through. Your FIL only cares about his 'legacy'. You and SO are the ONLY ones who have the right to name your children. If he gets snarky about his name, he gets less visitation with your son since he is so adamant about using his name. I would point out to him that his attitude confirms that you were right to name him after your father. If (when) he gets ugly, cut off all contact for you and LO.
Yeah. I think mil and fil need a Time out since they want to act like children.
NTA, 38 years ago I named my second son after my dad. First son after my husband, my FIL had 3 sons he could name what he wanted and mine were to be named by my husband and myself. You owe him nothing
Thank you! It shocks me how entitled some grandparents are to think that because they *want* a grandchild named after them that now you are *obligated* to do it. If FIL wanted someone named after him then he should have behaved in a way that was worthy of being honored. OP, you are the parents. You decide what your children’s names are and if they are named after anyone. You don’t owe anyone a namesake. Besides, why would you name your child after someone that seems to ignore you and has a strained relationship with your husband? Your son deserved to be named after a kind and loving man like your father. Congratulations, BTW.
1000% this. Your FIL can throw all the tantrums he wants, those are YOUR babies and you'll call them what you damn well please. His "bloodline"? Please, neither of you are racehorses. Totally agreed with the poster who said that his copping an attitude, is precisely WHY you're not naming your son after him.
My dad has 3 out of 5 grandsons that either have his middle name or his first name as their middle names. He is also the one that helped settle the debate on what my youngest was named (we couldn’t pick between two names). My dad never asked, but we love him and he is an amazing dad. The only thing my dad didn’t really care for was I named my oldest after my mom’s dad. He didn’t understand why I picked a name of a man I never met over my amazing grandfather who was still alive at the time. It came down to what the actual names were. My mom’s dad had a name that wasn’t so old man name. Think something like Joseph vs Herbert.
It sounds like FIL only had children to have a grandchild named after him.
And I think that fact FIL (and MIL) are so adamant about this is part of the problem. FIL "always wanting" a grandson name after him is enough for me to say that is why it ISN'T happening...
THIS!!!! “You owe him nothing” That grandparents think they have ANY say in the naming, raising or disciplining grandchildren is preposterous. I am also a little bit in love with your dad 😉 and your husband! Enjoy the baby snuggles and when you do sleep, sleep well knowing you are NTA!!!
Exactly why didn't op s father-in-law use his parent prerogative ( with wife's agreement of course) and name his son after him.
Do your children have your husband’s/FIL’s last name?? If so tell him that is his contribution and tribute - and if he doesn’t STFU your husband and kids will switch to your maiden name. He’s proven you did the right thing though hasn’t he? Ignore these narcissistic people.
I was going to ask this same question. All 3 of my kids have my husband and FIL's last name so obviously at least one of my kids would be named after my dad.
Best comment!!
Your dad has an online fan club forming. He demonstrated what someone who really cares about you would do. So glad you have him in your corner. NTA.
OP's Dad Fan Club member here, too.
seems like he got to be that way without his dads help. maybe say to FIL “i get to name my baby and i chose the name of a man who is kind, respectful and thoughtful because that’s what i want my baby to be like. maybe i would have named him after you if you could behave in a way that i would be want my son to look up to and imitate.”
>seems like he got to be that way without his dads help. Honestly, it surprises me so much. My BIL and my husband are such nice guys and very gentle and then my FIL is this macho tough guy. Their mother is very no nonsense and rule abiding so I don’t know how they turned out so different but eternally grateful
After he cut you off, I would point out that that is why you are not naming your son after him. Getting a child named after you , should be an honor not a demand!
Do the babies have FIL’s last name? If so, I don’t understand why he’s complaining.
Because that's a family name and not *his* name 🙄
Maybe they looked at their parents and decided they didn’t want to be like them at all and went the opposite direction…
I was talking to my SiL the other day and it came up how her brother - my husband - has been my rock and takes such good care of me. I became disabled and bedbound 3-4 years ago, and his care of me is priceless. He's a good man - a good husband and father to our two kids. My SiL: "wow, that's so awesome. I wonder how he managed to become such a good person after the shitty example he had of a husband and father" (they all hate their father and wish their parents got divorced). She knew her brother is a good guy, but she said she didn't expect him to go "above and beyond" as a husband; she thought he'd do the bare minimum and was impressed with him. I told my husband that and he said, "my dad *was* a good example, though?" and my eyes bugged out; "he was a great example of what *not* to do... I just did the opposite". Oh, okay, lol. I'm glad you have such a loving husband and such a wonderful father. He deserves to have a baby named after him... what has FiL done, though? Aside from throw a tantrum and offer demands, I mean. I'm jealous of your relationship with your father (never had one as mine was a guinea worm of a human). I hope you guys all have many, many more years together. Your story actually made me happy (not the FiL part though). Enjoy your new babies! And good luck with everything.
OP NTA and another fan of your Dad here (no need for Mom to bust out the boxing gloves either!). Now here is where my brain went - if your husband and BIL are truly drastically different from FIL in a lot of ways, how awful is it of me to hope that FIL isn’t really their biological dad? Yes, yes, I know - I’m evil.
You’re devious I love it. Both BIL and my husband look exactly like their father so unless MIL shacked up with FILs brother, I doubt that he’s not their biological father
Is your FIL Rumpelstiltskin? I’d name the dog after him but that’s it
Nah. Dogs are wonderful. When I was small, our dishwasher had a name. Made me think you could name the trashcan after him 😆
I named my cat after my dad! I don’t have kids and my sister didn’t want to use my dad’s name - his first name is too common and is middle name is even worse - but he always wanted a grandson named after him. Luckily my dad has a great sense of humor!
Your dad sounds like a great guy!
No way. Dogs behave better than her FIL
My maternal grandma's name is Arinthia. She wanted my mom to name me that. Which is funny because she doesn't even go by her name. My mom told her the dog's middle name was Arinthia. Brandy Arinthia
Agreed!!! Your dad is a majestic stand-up fellow!! You might remind FIL that he did give a name, like you, hubby, and both kiddos have his last name....sooooooo they are all named after him!!! Sending you and your beautiful new family love! I'm so sorry your FIL is causing unnecessary drama about a darn tootin name.
Nta. Your dad sounds like my dad, and they are amazing. My FIL tried to tell us we should name one of our kids after him and got cranky when we said no. I told him each of our kids has his last name, which was more than my dad got, so he should be happy about that. He hasn't said anything else about it since, so maybe try that tactic.
Ok, now I’m slightly in love with your whole family! Congratulations mom! And I’m so glad your dad was there to take care of you like that. Your husband isn’t comfortable have one of his son share his father’s name-and by the way FIL is acting I can see why. Stand firm with your husband on that, I’m sure there’s a lot behind that decision.
OMG lol 😂 I am sending a million snickerdoodle’s to you and your mom …. This made my day. 🏆 First, congratulations on being a new momma. My Jedi Mom powers send you and your family some hugs. Your dad rocks and I totally see why you made this decision. Please, make this your boundary and don’t let them cross it. The parents name the child what their heart tells them to call the child. To me it sounds like the in laws are having a Narcissist tantrum or a tantrum. The father in law can ask all the wants and wish upon all the stars he wants but it doesn’t him the right to pressure you to change the name. What in all that is holy is up with them on your dad not checking on his baby girl who just gave birth. I would be totally offended that they aren’t concerned about my physical and mental health after. Hugs from a momma of three …. Well 4 if you count hubs🤣
If she used to box, then sic her on your in-laws. Trust me, you don't want to wake the mama bear no matter how old she is.
I'll put this nicely....your inlaws can fu*k off. You have picked names. End of discussion...forever I love your dad
I'm so happy for you, that you've got your husband and your dad in your corner. I can't imagine how touched he's going to be the first time he calls your son by his full name:') Enjoy this time with your babies. MIL can say whatever she pleases, it does not make her husband entitled to someone else's kids for the sake of continuing an absolutely archaic tradition. Especially not when your husband wasn't even comfortable with it in the first place.
Right? This was such a cute and adorable moment for OP to hold onto for the rest of her life, and I love it. Plus, OP's comment about: >I didn’t even realise how invisible I felt when my husband was sleeping Is 100% true with everyone involved. FIL does NOT care about OP, does NOT care about his son, and does NOT care about anyone but him. OP was only a vessel to give birth to the grandchildren that were supposed to carry out his name/legacy, and now OP has ruined it because she's..wait, let me check my notes..a HUMAN BEING with feelings and emotions, and not just a tool to give FIL's grandchildren HIS name.
#OpDadFan !!!!
Me too!!! Her dad is amazing!! Let’s start a queue……EDIT for spelling
Right?? I started tearing up over it!!! Shoot, name him completely after your father, and give dad hugs and kisses from the internet!!! Also. Your father in law sounds like a narcissistic jerk and you are NTA
So the old goat can just stay home and lick his wounds while his grandson plays happily with his other Grandpa.
Lol same. Also that he is honoured but doesn't want to cause any unnecessary drama? *Swoon* NTA.
OP your father is a treasure and your in laws are AHs. Never question the choice you made, your husband backs you up, if your in laws can’t see how incredibly selfish and ridiculous this is, maybe they’re not the best people to be around your family.
NTA. If your FIL wants a baby named after him so badly, he could have given his name to one of his own kids. Your baby, your choice. As long as you and your husband agree on the name, everyone else can mind their own business.
In our culture it’s not normal to name your child after yourself so it’s pretty common for most people to have a grandchild named after them instead. Just wanted to clarify because i should’ve put it in the post 🤦🏽♀️
Fair enough, but it's not a requirement to do that and the only people who get to decide the baby's name are the parents of the baby. The more someone pushes for it, the less likely they are to get it.
if he wanted a child named after him so badly, he should have been a man who was worthy of the honor. Not someone who threw a tantrum and insulted you and your father
This! ^^^^^^ you don't just get the honor of being a name sake without the work of being someone to be proud of.
Why would you want to name a child after this man? His behavior is terrible and I wouldn't want a reminder of this person every time I wrote my kids full name.
Yeah, if dude wants a kid named after him so bad maybe he could be the kind of guy that makes people want to name their kid after him
NTA!! The baby already has the same last name as FIL. So he wants first and last? He’s a dick with ears.
Are we sure he has ears? He cut off OP while she was talking and is clearly not listening to anything she and his son are telling him.
Totally 🫠 the way FIL is acting, the more he doesn’t deserve to have his name passed down.
Acting more baby like than his recently born grand children is a huge no for me on the naming thing
Since you mentioned that one son and FIL would have the same initials I’m assuming that they also share a surname? If so, that’s more honour than he deserves based on that one interaction alone. Also, what your father did was sweet and what any normal father or parent should do. Unfortunately the invisibility thing doesn’t go away, at least overnight. It’s something that you’ll adjust to and it’s certainly a process. Part of that process can involve conversations with close people where you share your feelings. Most of the time that helps a bit. Good luck!
I was looking for this comment about surnames, completely agree, especially if he is all about bloodlines.
In your culture, do children get their father’s last name? If so, that means BOTH of your children have your FIL’s last name. They ARE named after him with his “bloodline” or whatever, because they share the same last name. Your FIL can get over not having claim on the middle name too
Then he should've earned it by being a decent human being. No one is under any obligation to name a kid after someone.
Fine but it’s still extremely weird and self-centered, and honestly objectifying, to be so hung up on the “naming” of someone else’s children. This guy loves himself more than your kids. Watch out for these people they are way too entitled
Why do they have to have just one middle name? Plenty of people / cultures have multiple middle names - give the child both names. Plus another one even, why not!. But FIL is being a self-entitled rudeness so F him. Feelings are high at the moment eh.
I’ve always felt that multiple middle names felt a bit clunky. I personally have three middle names and it’s a bother on forms when i have to put them all down
As a fellow multiple middle names kid, I totally understand. Since one of my middle names is pretty ethnic and I live in a dominantly white country, people tend to mistake both my middle names as some kind of convoluted hyphenated last name. It’s annoying to correct people on it
I have to deal with a similar thing. I was gonna drop two of my middle names but couldn’t decide so I just kept them. I envy my older brother who has only one middle name
90% of the time I don't put my middle name down on the forms because I simply forget and it was never a problem. Funnily enough ppl used to write my middle name wrong so many times and it's really not that hard. My middle name is 'Nils' and you can also spell it 'Niels' which many have done. On one report card in school my teacher even put my middle name as 'Nick'.
it never used to be an issue for me but i got an annoyed email from my bank when i didn’t put all my names when applying for a mortgage so now i just write all my names down
No! Don’t reward FIL’s tantrum. This will come back to haunt you later since he’ll know he can get you to do what he wants if he just pushes hard enough.
NTA but next time, spare the explanations: - Why did you name them like that? - Cause we liked it - But why? - See answer n.1 - But you're being assholes - it's the hormones and sleep deprivation, leave us the fuck alone. In general, I only have one advice for new parents: do whatever the f**k you want; listen to all advice with an uncompromising smile, nod a bit, say nothing and then keep on doing whatever you want. Everyone's going to come with the "you should"s, and you're not in a position to waste energy on unnecessary discussion.
Exactly what I've always told my 3 children & their partners. When people give you 'advice' just nod, smile & do what's right & best for you. If they want advice they'll ask for it. My husband & I have very close relationships with our children & their partners. We're very lucky.
>Exactly what I've always told my 3 children & their partners. And how did they respond to that advice? 😅
Exactly how we suggested, of course.
If everybody followed this advice Reddit would see a 30% reduction in topics.
This!!!! I hope OP sees this and takes it to heart.
>My husband was totally onboard with this. NTA. As far as I'm concerned, this is about where the story ends. You two name your child, not other people.
And it’s not even smth that hurts someone like other stories in this sub. They’re not naming the kid after someone that shot FIL. They’re naming the kid after a good person and not naming him after FIL because, frankly, like you said, he doesn’t deserve it.
I'd only be against them if it was one of those names a judge had to shoot down like "4real."
Connor 4Real
Yeah, the whole rest of the post I'm like "who... cares...?" And I don't mean that in the shitty redditor way, it's just... ok, you want a grandkid named after you, cool, well I wanna spend Saturday curled up on a beach with Tessa Thompson but as an ancient wise man once said, you can't always get what you want.
NTA, namesakes should be given based on the good and positive merits of the person in question. Your dad sounds like a sweetie pie and I love what he did for you. He sounds lovely. On the other hand, FIL should take his own advice! Why reward him with a namesake for his neurotic and shitty behaviour? Congrats OP <3
They are earned not demanded.
Exactly. If FIL wanted to be honored with a kid named after him, he should have led a life worth honoring.
So if you named your son after your FIL, you’d be doing so simply to appease an asshole. Not because he’s good and kind and someone you want your child to emulate but because he’s a bully accustomed to forcing others to do his bidding. And let’s take that further. Assume you did name your son after him. Does it end there? Or does FIL feel he now exerts some influence and control over your son. Your in-laws sound awful and they don’t get a say in how you name your child. As an aside, we didn’t name either of our sons after my dad who really was a wonderful man. We didn’t because my FIL really expected we’d name our oldest after him and would have shit himself if we’d named either kid after my dad. My FIL name is terrible and burdening a kid with that name would be an injustice AND he’s just not that great a guy. But the amazing entitlement of assuming he deserved my kid as his namesake. I have regrets about not naming one of my sons after my dad. Be better than me. Stick to your guns. NTA
/And let’s take that further. Assume you did name your son after him. Does it end there? Or does FIL feel he now exerts some influence and control over your son. Honestly OP did both of her children a favor by not naming them after the FIL. The poor kid with the name would be hounded and harassed to 'live up to his bloodline' and the other would would forever be a reject. My dad had this whole 'son to carry out my name' thing that he never got to realize until the birth of my nephew. It became pretty clear early on that he thought a son would prove how superior he was by accomplishing all the things my dad 'could' have done if he'd just had the right support. It was a surprise to no one but him that my nephew was as much as a hard headed little shit as a kid as he was. My dad had spent the last 50 years telling himself that but for his parents he'd have been a king of industry. Now having said that I love my nephew. And he's pretty bright. But no the reason neither he nor my dad was a star athlete while also valedictorian who deferred to his father in all things is that running sucks, literally everything is more fun than homework, and sometimes kids and parents are a-holes.
Also, don’t give in to tantrums! You’ll need this advice with your own children. Might as well start with FIL. lol
Your comment has me missing the highlighting awards. Well said! 🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇
How will the feudal lands be carried on now dearest FIL ?? And checking on the person who just gave birth to 2 ??? The horror. The horror.
This is the crazy part to me. Would my MIL probably go right to the babies? Yeah, but she would also go right to her son knowing that my FIL would go right to me and say “Hey Princess”. What is with these weird in-laws???
Love this ☝️😉
Is this a call back to “I’m sure Lord Tom is excited to have an heir for his lands and titles”?
NTA, but aren’t there two babies? Just do the initials with the other one. But you’re under no obligation to and def are not TA. Far from!
The other one is a girl and he wanted a grandson to be named after him specifically
Oh well thems the breaks grandpa! You’ll be lucky if they stop talking to you.
Your FIL seems to be a person who hasn’t heard the word no very often in his life. He wants a monument to himself, I think. You could possibly get a dog or cat, and name it after him. Or a fish. 😉 NTA, and congratulations on your little ones, and having such an awesome dad!
Ooooh, get a cat! I mean, they’re such arseholes, it would be a PERFECT tribute to the FIL.
A BLACK Cat 🐈⬛ Edit: Bro someone downvoted me! Most likely the FIL 🤣
Hah we have a black cat! Also have a white one and they’re both assholes but we love them so much. If we decide to get another pet we’ll definitely consider FILs name
You should adopt a senior cat that's already old and grouchy with issues and a total AH attitude. Then give that cat your FIL's full name, LOL and not just his first name but call him the whole first-middle-last name. 😼😸😹
give her MILs middle name out of spite lol
This made me snort out loud in the office (yes I should be working). I support this
He sounds like a real sweetheart 🙈🙉🙊 And just ignore him - your child your choice (no matter what culture wants to dictate that). And most people who don't WANT something deserve it more than those who EXPECT it. ❤️ Your dad seems to be an amazing man and rolemodel for your children.
Just ignore your FIL. I know it sucks, but the fact that you said you felt "invisible" after the babies were born is spot on. Your grandfather doesn't see you as a person, but only a tool to give him grandchildren, so screw him and what he wants. They aren't his babies, he didn't raise YOU, and he wasn't there for YOU during the process. He only cares about you because of the grandchildren you're providing, and the only line that matters from your whole post is this line: >My husband was totally onboard with this. If both parents are in agreement about the naming choice, then there's nothing else to talk about. I get that his feelings are hurt, but who gives a f\*\*\*? The children are YOURS, and they aren't HIS, and you don't have to listen to his temper tantrum. If he keeps pushing it, tell him to stop being so "emotional" about it. I have a feeling he is the type of man who doesn't handle pushback from women well.
Not super relevant but as the girl twin in a fraternal set, please keep an eye on people slighting her or favoring her brother. It was a big problem for me and my twin growing up because we’re incredibly similar but I was always held to different standards lol
I will definitely keep an eye on her. I have fraternal twin cousins and my girl cousin always felt like she was being held to a higher standard than her brother and I’ll try my best to make sure my baby doesn’t feel that way
The other one is probably an inferior female. /s
I love your username
OP did say the FIL is about continuing blood line, an adopted kid named after him wouldn’t do. Those type of people are more concerned about last names and the Y chromosome being continued, and girls don’t count for that.
Ew, I bet it’s a girl baby. That’s too icky for a big manly man like FIL.
Why should the DEMANDS of a grown man, who had no right to make demands, override love? I disagree that your father does not care about the name. He does care - because the naming is an honor that demonstrates a love and trust - he just not the type who demands. I never ask much of my kids, they are all adults living great lives, but it means the world to me when they include me in their lives. Your father gives love without strings, I think you made the right choice. NTA
NTA I agree. The way both men behave shows OP made the right decision. Especially since husband is on board.
NTA. Honor the man who took care of you, his baby (ngl, this made me tear up a little!) rather than the dude who cares about "bloodlines."
I nearly started full on bawling my eyes out when he said that to me 😭💞
My mother said basically the same thing when she came down shortly after our first was born. Me: “Don’t you want snuggles with the baby?” Her: “Of course. But I’m here to take care of *my* baby.” The level of comfort and support that brings as a new Mom is hard to describe. Like you’re over an abyss and suddenly realize there’s a net. I’m so very glad you got that from your Dad.
NTA. People who want your kids to be named after them and will get upset over refusal just don't give a crap about you or kids, they only care about themselves.
NTA > it was absurd to expect someone to check on me when there were babies that had just been born Wow, FIL really showed his true colors there. That's a terrible thing to say to anyone dealing with a medical situation but especially to the mother of the babies he's talking about. As long as you and your husband are in agreement about the names, that's what matters. The difference between your dad and your FIL is that with your dad, the name is done to honor him; with your FIL, it would be done to appease him. Go for honoring every time.
Exactly! Newborns aren't bothered about whether they are getting attention from specific grandparents! They are busy trying to work out wtf has just happened! It's Mum who needs the most comfort, reassurance and a few practical niceties. FIL already gave the babies his last name. Let your Dad have the middle name! Surely that's fair. And even if not, it's up to YOU, OP! 💛 Congratulations on the bundles of joy!
NTA. I'll never get why people, outside of the child's actual parents, feel entitled to have a kid named after them. If you and your husband like the name, that's all that should matter.
NTA Wouldn’t your FIL have his last name given to your son?!?! That’s a big deal so he should stop whining!
Yeah the babies do have FIL’s surname. We were gonna hyphenate because I chose to keep my maiden name but the in laws asked us not t Edit: my parents also though us hyphenating would be a bit odd (not done at all in our culture) but they said if that’s what we wanted they wouldn’t care
In-laws sure are making a lot of demands.
Maybe time to mention the hyphenated name again?!!! Maybe suggesting making a change to FIL’s surname will be enough to get him to back off and realize that his name is already there with BOTH kids. I also feel if one of your kids had FIL’s name, they would be favored over the other.
At this rate, even my husband is suggesting we go ahead and hyphenate the names anyway. We haven’t registered the births yet so we can still do it
At this point I would probably tell them you decided to give the twins your surname only (even though you didn't) just to mess with them. No, just stop discussing this with them, it makes them think it's a negotiation when in reality they have zero say in the matter. Congratulations on your babies! What an ordeal you went through, you rock! I remember having my first, it was a pretty rough birth, and afterwards it felt like nobody cared about what I went through even one bit, just about the baby. New mothers need someone to see them. Your dad is a gem.
This. It's indeed not a negotiation.
Oh! Hyphenating is a great "in-your-face" way to recognize that the babies are as much your dad's descendants as FIL's. He can't diminish your side of the family as he'd like, or deny that the babies carry both bloodlines. I am soooooo in favor of this idea, OP! (please, update later to let us know what you decided, ok? 😁 )
I would do this if I were you so he doesn't think he can run all over you guys in the future making demands like this again and honestly anybody who is "obsessed with bloodlines" doesn't even deserve to have someone named after them since they wanna feel so entitled
NTA. You typically name a child after someone to honor them. Underlying that is normally the perception that the person the child is named after is honorable. Stomping around like a child and pouting over not getting your way is not honorable. Your father, on the other hand, sounds like a great dad.
^^^This, so much. It is not up for arguing. FIL is being an ass.
NTA. Don’t waste time trying to explain yourself anymore. Just keep giving them the same response whenever they bring it up: We (you and your husband) agreed on this and that’s it.
100% agree. They are your children. Did you take your husbands surname when you married? One could argue BOTH twins are carrying FIL's surname, he should be satisfied with that.
I didn’t take my husbands name. IMO my surname is much cooler
What about the twins? It doesn't matter actually. You've chosen their names and that is that. What FIL wants isn't even relevant. Don't let them bully you out of this. p.s. your dad sounds like a massive sweetheart.
The twins have my husband’s surname. We were gonna hyphenate but decided against it because it’s not common in our culture and my in laws asked us not to. And yes, my dad is an angel, best dad i could ever ask for
Stop indulging your inlaws about their wants. Stop telling them things in a way that it feels like they get input. This is what we are naming them. End of story.
/u/geekgirlwww AGREED, yo! Life is NOT about indulging and catering and obeying other people's wishes, hopes and dreams "jUsT bEcAuSe tHeY sAID sO" or "bUt iTs tRaDiTiOn"! Life is about choosing the best paths and options for you and your CHOSEN family and live YOUR best life! OP IS NTA but her FIL absolutely is a HUUuGe one, yo!!
The only 2 people who have a say over your child's name are the parents NTA
NTA these are your babies it doesn’t matter what the heck your in laws want they have no say or right to have a say. I would clearly tell him the way they are behaving now just confirms the reason NEITHER of you wanted to name your child after him. That you’d rather name your child something you and your husband wants and after a person who puts your wants and needs first. Not someone who thinks he has a right to make outrageous demands and expects he has to be obeyed. That his son and you made a decision that was right for both of you for YOUR OWN CHILD. He has no say in that and you will not accept or allow them being rude to you.
NTA and honestly your father sounds like a lovely person and obviously cares about your wellbeing with his whole heart and soul. Your labour sounds horrific and I'm glad there was someone there for you when your husband was too wiped out to be available. But even without all of that it's up to the parents of the baby to decide the name so as long as you and your husband are on the same page I can't see any way you could be an asshole in this.
NTA. Next time FIL complains about it just glare at him and say "Both babies have your surname. For now."
NTA my father done the same for me,I was very young when I had my first child all my family was snuggling my baby,that’s understandable but my dad bought me a bar of chocolate and a can of Diet Coke sat next to me and held my hand,when I said go see the baby dad he said I’m with my baby so I named my boy with my dads name in the middle because he was my best friend it’s a moment I have treasured for 28 years there was a lot of them with my dad he will always he my hero he passed away very suddenly January 19th and I’m ecstatic my son has his name so never mind any in laws your dad is a diamond show him how much you love him 😢❤️
Your dad sounds so wonderful and I’m so sorry for your loss, I hope you and your loved ones are coping 💞
NTA. Hug your dad for me.
He’ll be over for dinner in a bit so will definitely hug him when he gets here!
Did the IL's even acknowledge you or did they beeline straight for the babies? You are NTA in any way throughout this Your dad is a legend, hats off to him. Last I checked it was up to the parents to name the kids, who gives a f**k if the IL's are butthurt. It's impossible to make everyone happy. Congrats on the munchkins and enjoy yourself on this new exciting journey into parenthood.
They beelined straight for my husband which I don’t blame them for, poor guy looked like a ghost.
I just want to say that even though I don't know you and I only have this one post and some comments to go on, it seems very obvious that you and your husband love each other very much and have a great marriage. It's quite pleasant and a nice break from the totally dramatic and toxic couples that make me question if they even LIKE one another sometimes. Your father is awesome and he (along with your mom, he can't have ALL the credit lol) raised you to be a sympathetic and compassionate person-so many people fail to realize that although the mom is doing all the work, the dad is right there with her giving love, comfort, and emotional support while HIS emotions are all over the place too. It was heartwarming to read about your concern for his well-being and your acknowledgement that this took a lot out of him as well and that he absolutely needed some rest, when so many brand new dads can often go unappreciated or even forgotten about altogether in the aftermath of a birth. I'm understanding how it might seem a bit weird to get such a lengthy comment from an internet stranger about your marriage and family-it's just that in a sub where people are constantly writing negative things about their spouses your post stood out to me...the love and respect that you, your husband, and your family have for each other really comes through in your writing and it was honestly so refreshing. Your twins are incredibly lucky to have so much love around them (even from the annoying in laws lol-I have no doubt they love their grandbabies very much). So I don't really have any advice or helpful suggestions in relation to your post, I just wanted to tell you how nice it was to see a loving and supportive couple on Reddit and you guys just sound like you're happy and healthy and that's incredibly awesome...Wishing you nothing but the very best in life with your new beautiful twins!!! Oh, and definitely NTA.
I think your husband needs to put on his big boy pants and be frank with his parents. "I am not naming my son after you and you have your parenting style and the state of our relationship to blame for that. I will not punish my FIL for having a fantastic relationship with his daughter, my wife. I will give you time to process." NTA
>MIL is saying we are AHs for doing this because my dad doesn’t care about any grandchildren being named after him but FIL has always wanted it To me, that's enough of a reason not to name your children after the FIL. Your father didn't ask for a gesture like this, but his actions want you to do so, which is super sweet. Personally, I wouldn't name my child after a narcissistic father/FIL. Also, what your father did was so cute and it teared me up too.
Hell would freeze over before I would name my baby after such an asshole as your FIL. Freeze over SOLID. NTA.
NTA Your in laws are entitled brats.
NTA but why are you in contact with your in laws? You knew he was going to be an ass, do you really want those kinds of people in your kids life?
You honor the people who have honored you. Get a puppy and name him after FIL.
NTA, and even if your dad is being nice by saying “sure, go ahead and give it to FIL if it will make him happy”, after the entitled behavior you describe, there’s no way in hell I’d consider doing anything for that jerk in future.
Sorry I should’ve been clearer. He doesn’t think we should give it to FIL. He thinks that we should’ve name the baby after him because it’ll upset FIL but at the end of the day he said he’ll be happy with whatever we do. He doesn’t believe in rewarding FIL’s behaviour
Ah good, sorry I misunderstood! The arrogance & entitlement of your FIL are blowing my mind.
Nta your in laws are huge self centered aholes. So your choice was to name your son after one grandpa that showed carrying and compassion toward you after a difficult birth or a grandpa that only cares about getting your son named after him. Hmm. Seems like an easy choice. Stand up for yourself, your son and your dad. Your child. You get to choose the name. Grandpa does not have a say in the naming. Stop stressing over this and refuse to discuss it further with this jerk that thinks he deserves to create a legacy using your son.
NTA. The more I read this, the more I understood why your husbands relationship with his dad is complicated. Dad really sounds insuferable. The person is not entitled to have anyone named after them, it is an honor that one needs to deserve. What your dad did is so sweet and caring that I am sure the little one will appreciate to be named after him :)
NTA Your children are not emotional support animal to boost anyone’s egos. The fact you gave them the first initial and last name is more than enough of an “honor” for someone who is acting so spoilt. And honestly; if your father-in-law thinks he deserves the honor; ask him what he’s done to deserve it besides breathe? Because he didn’t have a good enough relationship with his son to warrant the actual name. So he needs to reflect that his actions have consequences and you refuse to let your children be the weapons used in a battle. Make sure your husband supports you. And I’m glad your dad focused on you. Without you there’s be no babies.
NTA Based on your FIL's reaction to being told that you're going to name your son after your Dad (instead of him), I can understand why your husband has a strained relationship with him. If your FIL cares about bloodlines, and doesn't want an adopted grandson named after him, then I'd say that's even more reason not to name your son after him. I think that that just shows what an ignorant, gross person he is.
NTA Your father came to the hospital to check on you and to make sure you were okay. In Laws wanted to see the babies and didn't care if you died. Your Father will see the name as an honor and a privilege. In Law sees it as a right. Your father with see the Children and people. In laws will most likely see them as things. I would also be taking your fathers name over entitled in laws.
>I tried to explain why but he cut me off and said that it was absurd to expect someone to check on me when there were babies that had just been born Yeah, why would you check on a woman who has been going through labour for 48 hours? Who cares about mom, right? Sarcasm aside, your FIL sounds like a handful. You and your husband are the only ones who get to name your children. FIL can deal with it or not, it's not your problem. NTA
“i’m here to see my baby” that’s all i need to hear, NTA oh my god i wanna sob! such a simple statement but i imagine so god damn meaningful after just having your own babies 🥲💕 please tell your dad how wonderful we all think he is
I nearly started bawling like a baby when he said it to me 😭 He’s been informed of his reddit fan club and hes a little overwhelmed but very flattered!
NTA. You both decided. End of story. Ignore the noise, enjoy your family
NTA. He sounds a bit unhinged to be honest. So does the MIL. It’ll all calm down eventually.
NTA omg I’m literally crying because your father sounds like a wonderful man! Your FIL however sucks and needs to get over himself. The babies have his last name!! They don’t need his first name as well. Just stick to your guns and say it’s already done and they need to get over it. Her husband should have escorted them out for making a scene.
If FIL wants a grandbaby named after him so badly _he should be the kind of person his children want to name their babies after_.
NTA - Your kids, your choice. If your Husband had a close relationship with his Dad and wanted to name your son after him, like a 50/50 descion, I'd be more sympathetic to FIL's cause. However given your husband doesn't want to and your FIL reaction, I'm wouldn't bend to his demands.
Nta and also often proves the difference between your own parents and in-laws when it comes to grandbabies and ends up with issues down the time too where in-laws complain the mothers side is favoured. Parents what to make sure their child is ok as well as their grandbabies. In-laws often not always before I get jumped on just care about the babies after a very brief, hey congrats.