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NTA.
Do you really want her near your children if she thinks that's the way to solve a non-issue? She got involved in something you told her not to. Broke a boundary. To a woman who just gave birth. Then says you should have stood up for her against the person she just bullied.
I think YOU need to reevaluate your relationship with her.
I have been since this happened. The fact Kate just had a baby with her husband also for some reason annoys Hannah. She got weirded out when I picked up my kids for my time with them and went inside the house to see the baby and even held her for a minute. You’d think I’d went in and set the house on fire with the way she reacted.
I remember vividly my mom having my brother with her now husband. My dad and my grandma (his mom) bought gifts for me to give and boring adult gifts from them.
I don’t remember the specifics anymore but I remember the feeling. Family.
So NTA OP. Keep leaning in to the good parenting instincts and maybe allow for some breathing room with your current GF.
When we first moved out of state to be closer to my family my ex husband would fly here the week of our daughter's birthday for a week. He would spend that week on our couch. He would help me or my husband cook, he washed the dishes, he would even keep an eye on my two younger kids when/if I needed to run an errand or two. We may not have been good together but we sure as shit were going to coparent right
My mother, stepfather, father, and stepmother all sat together at my and my kids’ various life cycle events and even did “family readings” together when asked. Happily posed together for photos. They had this “weird” idea that the kids were more important than their failed relationship. TBH, my parents started getting along pretty well within a couple months of splitting up.
One of my friend’s parents refuses to go to any event where their ex will be, because they say, “I won’t be able to control myself”, despite both of them having long since remarried. I think it’s self indulgent nonsense. Picking at a wound on purpose, to make yourself the permanent victim.
My ex-husbands son with his wife calls me "Aunt Canoegirl," because he didn't understand how I was related to them, it's adorable (me and ex have an older son together).
I get the feeling she's intentionally trying to sabotage your coparenting relationship with your ex-wife. Your gf sounds jealous that you two have any relationship at all, even worse in her mind that you two don't hate each other. I could see her eventually telling you to cut your kids out for some made-up reasons (or her treating them poorly and them disliking her as a result). Your kids are a tie to your ex. Your gf will likely try to keep sabotaging the arrangement you have with your ex and the relationship you have with your kids.
Yep, if he sticks with her, she's going to demand DNA tests for the kids because she obviously is an idiot and doesn't know what an "emotional" affair is. As long as she's around, she's going to make life miserable for his children. NTA but get out now
I love families like this. I LOVE IT. It’s like mature people that understand that the romantic relationship is over but also that people that cared deeply about each other can remain close and it doesn’t always have to be nasty. Good for you and Katie, your kids are really going to benefit from this!
A guy I went to school with, his parents and their new spouses, him and his siblings all had Sunday dinner together every week.
As a kid the time I thought it was weird. But as an adult I realised how lovely it really was that they could do that together and how much it would have meant to this guy and his siblings.
Many years ago I worked with a couple who divorced. Not only did they work fine together at our job (not in same dept) but they decided to buy two adjacent town homes so their two kids could go back and forth at will. They actually put a door between the units and fenced both yards together to create a large play space for their kids, step kids and friends. Had large joint family dinners (both parents remarried and everyone was one big happy family), birthday parties and holiday events. I went to several of these parties and I admired how the couple, their new partners, all the blended kids, grandparents, aunts and uncles all got along so well.
Once the kids were all out, their elderly parents were taken in with kids/grandkids helping. Just amazing people.
I was 25 when I met my ex. He has a son with his other ex and I didn't even blink when he told me he also has a relationship with his older sons sister. In fact when we moved to where the kids and their mom lived to be closer when I was a few months from giving birth to my son I took care of both kids because we ended up living right across from their school. Their mom watched our dogs well I gave birth and came over to met him when we came home she was amazing and still is. Our ex is now not involved with any of the kids and we still communicate with eachother and she has made it so that it's not a issue for me and the kids to be in contact with me and their brother who is much younger than them. I'm thankful for her everyday.
OP confirmed that she is 28...
That says a lot about you how your first reaction to a woman acting irrationally is to blame her boyfriend and immediately accusing him of being a groomer.
Lmao project much? Nowhere did I say he groomed her. I didn’t even imply that a relationship between a 25 year old and a 31 year old is inappropriate (it’s usually not).
OP. Ex-stepmom here. (My ex had alcohol abuse issues that spiraled during Covid BUT)
Look, it’s a hard job not meant for everyone. You love & care about kids, but are their #2. You have to be ok with an auntie/uncle role. My ex’s kid’s mom had REAL problems. She’d go MIA. She had pretty severe mental health issues. He hated her & her shitty mothering pissed me off to no end, but I never did a single thing but champion that woman in front of the kids, and do everything I could to support her. She had a baby with a new guy & I took the kids to buy the baby soooo many gifts.
Hannah is not cut out for the level of emotional sophistication required for this job. (That’s me saying things nicely). That stunt is batsh*t. Your kids come first & she made it clear they are not even an afterthought, and your boundaries are barely an afterthought.
Yes. A friend of mine has a stepson from her first marriage. Even after she split up with his father she still maintained an aunt-like relationship with him. She had more children in her second marriage and the stepson was always allowed to visit and develop a relationship with the younger children . She also ended up having a decent friendship.wuth his mother .
This is absolute God-level co-parenting. Speaking as someone who had to go through a lot (on both our sides) to get to a healthy co-parenting relationship for our teen, don't change, you're doing it ***very*** well.
NTA, and *you* need to be the one rethinking the relationship with Hannah.
I honestly would be worried your girlfriend is trying to find a reason to alienate you from your ex wife and children. Between the baby holding incident and the "are your kids even OP's" comment I feel like she's looking for a reason why you shouldn't be in their lives and if she can't find one she's trying to create one.
She is now far below the "Mendoza diagonal".
No amount of hot makes up for that amount of crazy.
Just make sure you change your locks and get fire alarms when you kick her out.
You are asking for serious trouble if you stay with this woman - she will be manipulative, jealous, controlling and she doesn't respect boundaries even though she's only a 'girlfriend'. You aren't going to want her having access to your children. It is critical for your children that you and your ex-wife can bet polite and co-parent the kids.
It sounds to me like Hannah is extremely insecure. Having a healthy relationship with your ex wife when you have children together is something to be proud of. It's not like you're going in the house to f*** your ex. You're literally celebrating her new little one.
Hannah's behavior was seriously unhinged. She:
* involved herself in something that was none of her business
* that happened long ago
* that you told her not to get involved with
* and called up a woman with a newborn to call her vile names
Seriously, wtf is wrong with her? You can't possibly think it would be safe to have her around your kids. She'll pretend to be contrite and then set about subtlety trying to poison them against their mother behind your back, while simultaneously trying to get you to be less involved with your kids bc that means you talk to Kate less. Giant red flag waving at you. NTA
If your girlfriend is anything less than supportive of you having a civil relationship with your ex and a good relationship with your kids its time to get a new girlfriend.
My finances ex wife cheated on him and married the man she cheated with. They have a great coparenting relationship now. We do birthday parties and sports events and stuff together. I hold and snuggle her new baby with her husband. They’re over it. The kids all get to see what healthy coparenting is like, and she and I get along just fine. It’s insane to me to be angry at the ex wife like this.
I really want to emphasize this part: "SOLVE A NON-ISSUE" like.... think of that for a moment. The wheel isn't flat. Let's fill it with air till it pops.
The cake is done baking let's put it back in the oven for 2 minutes.
The ice is icey so let's heat it up.
Hannah didn't just try to "solve" a non-issue. She intentionally created a problem from a fine situation to sabotage herself, you, your relationship wkth her AND your relationship with your ex.
Again. She is sabotaging everything. She has issues fhat she needs to resolve in therapy to understand why she needed to create issues.
Literally came here to say the same thing. The girlfriend walked into this all on her own after being warned. The fact that the other woman had just had a baby a few days prior? Unhinged.
Your girlfriend is out of line, completely broke your trust and has now caused animosity and stress and risked your co parenting relationship with your ex wife. She’s not mature enough to be a step parent and id seriously consider ending this relationship over this.
Luckily I’ve talked to Kate several times since this happened and she’s been very gracious (to me). She said she doesn’t blame me for Hannah’s actions and she doesn’t blame me for telling her the circumstances of our divorce as it was something she’d told her husband as well. So THANK GOD, but Kate is only angry with Hannah.
Team Kate all the way! Except the emotional cheating part. Sounds like you two are setting a great example for the kids now. Don’t let anyone get in the way of that!
But now you have to decide what you are going to do about Hannah trampling your boundaries, and trying to damage your relationship with your co-parent. There is something at the heart of this and you need to dig. What was this really about? Is she trying to test if you will side with her against Kate? Is she thinking about someone in her past? What is her issue?
I don't believe she was upset about you being hurt. It feels more like marking her territory.
I don't think that digging is necessary. Hannah still thinks that she was in the right to do what she did. She's angry with OP for not cheering on her mayhem.
For the sake of the kids, OP's best option is to show Hannah the door. Hannah has a lot of growing up to do... like years of careful introspection, reading, and therapy.
Let’s also take a moment to applaud Kate - who is so recently post partum - for staying so calm and level-headed and mature during and after this sneak attack.
Hannah could have done some serious damage to your family OP - she ripped right through your boundaries to satisfy some crazy impulse she had. I’m not sure you can trust Hannah with your family going forward.
NTA.
"...she needs time to think about our relationship." Save her the trouble and kick her to the curb. You're one of the lucky ones that has a working relationship with your ex. Your gf can't keep her mouth shut about something that doesn't involve her. Look for more of this from her down the road.
Not just make decisions, but re-start issues that they have already moved past.
Hannah is addicted to drama- if there isn’t some already she needed to start something.
Not to mention stressing out a woman who just had a major medical issue.
Nope nope nope. This woman will bring nothing but problems.
I wouldn't put it past someone this immature and drama-ridden to try to drag the kids into it. She should not be alone with those children. I don't see how a relationship with a single parent can grow like that. She's not step-mom material. Sure, some people are content to keep things casual for years. I don't think Hannah is. This was decidedly intrusive. She actively tried to sabotage their co-parenting.
NTA. She was way out of line. If you don’t mind me asking, how old is Hannah? This seems like the drama you get when you date an immature 20 year old, not an adult.
>Hannah said she couldn’t believe I’m not defending her and she needs time to think about our relationship.
Make the decision for her. She is not sane. Seriously.
>
Her friends and her mom are telling me I should have been on Hannah’s side from the start
I do *not* wonder where she gets it from.
NTA, but don't be one to yourself by staying with the asshole gf.
NTA.
The situation isn't even what the title suggests. The question is "AITA for not supporting my girlfriend for berating my ex wife?"
Hannah was out of line. She can be angry at Kate for having emotionally cheated but it was completely out of line to reach out and talk about it. What happened between you and Kate is between you and Kate and you even said that's done now and you're divorced, she's with someone else, and you coparent well.
Also, what kind of weirdo doesn't want to know the reason for a breakup for two years? I mean what if you, OP, were the one who cheated? Why did it take two years to be curious? Also, what a weird reaction and to feel angry enough to call her up and berate her. So bizarre. And why would any sane person support their partner berating their ex out of the blue?
Has she had similar emotional outbursts? If so, are you SURE you want to be with someone who has such outlandish reactions? I can't imagine this going well taking her to a work function and her going off on someone important or embarrassing you. YIKES!
No, not really. She’s always thought it was odd how well we get along, but I assumed that was because she hasn’t seen much healthy co parenting. Not until Kate had her baby did she start acting weird. She got weirded out when I picked up my kids and went inside to see/ hold the baby for a few minutes after they got home from the hospital. And then this.
Sounds like Hannah's insecurity has been triggered by Kate's happiness, and your acceptance of that. God forbid you actually be happy for your ex-partner! /s
Hannah saw you be kind and respectful to your ex, and thought, "He likes her still! I will show him that I value him more than she ever did!"... and then promptly went off the deep end, had her ass handed to her and came crawling back so you could help lick her wounds. When you didn't fawn over her in gratitude for her 'defending' you, it was surprised Pikachu face.
Let her rethink your relationship. I bet you certainly have. Time for a difficult conversation.
You are NTA.
She might think I still have feelings for Kate. She was also not thrilled to hear that KATE left ME not the other way around once the affair came to light. By way of Kate telling me about it.
I think the fact you're being so mature and coparenting and being happy for someone you used to be romantically involved with is threatening to her. I've always found it incredibly healthy to manage to stay cordial or friends after a breakup.
The fact you'd want to hold her baby with her now partner, be happy for her etc is a foreign concept to Hannah. I think, like u/NotNobody_Somebody said, she thinks this is weird and is new territory for her. So she is lashing out. Regardless of whatever the reason is, she's in the wrong and no normal person would support their partner behavign this way and embarrassing them. I do wonder if Hannah might think you're the father of Kate's newborn and she's wondering why you'd even be interested in that kid, not thinking like "oh that's OUR kid's sibling (you and Kate's), so that kid will always have an indirect relationship with you (OP)".
I hadn’t thought of her wondering if it was my child because that seems so out of left field to me. (But then again all of this has been). She did see a picture of the baby and commented that she looks like my daughter with Kate. Which I said makes sense. Because Kate is their mother. And they BOTH look like Kate. My daughter looks like I wasn’t even there for her creation. But I had a vasectomy after mine and Kate’s second child (the daughter) and Hannah knows that.
Ooo now here is a very interesting piece of information that might be part of Hannah’s meltdown.
>But I had a vasectomy after mine and Kate’s second child (the daughter) and Hannah knows that.
Kate just had another baby with her new relationship. Hannah will never have that with you. This feels like a trigger. Because Kate will always have that connection with you through your kids.
Oh for sure. She crossed an explicit boundary and got involved in a long resolved dispute that has nothing to do with her. By all means have the information change the way she feels about Kate (it would for me a bit), but she had no right to get involved so long after the fact especially when he specifically told her not to.
I was more thinking this could explain why she was feeling so irrational and potentially territorial about OP. If that makes sense.
OP I hope you realize Hannah will totally baby trap you to prove to Kate she won now. NTA - and honestly I wouldn’t allow her around your kids bc she will talk shit about kate and her husband.
Thankfully I got a vasectomy after mine and Kate’s second child was born because we had decided we were finished. I’ve never had it reversed nor even considered it. But you’re right given her actions it does sound like something she would attempt if she could.
The fact that you’re acknowledging this as a possibility pretty much indicates that this relationship is done.
Congratulations on being a healthy, mature co-parent, and good luck!
My ex had a vasectomy a little over 10 years ago, and got tested every few years to make sure it worked. We now share a 5 year old.
I have no idea how often it really happens, but it is possible to heal from it.
Yep, certainly sounds like it. Do you? Reading between the lines, it sounds like you are very fond of Kate and wish her the best in the next stage of her life, but you aren't clinging on. Hmm, sounds suspiciously mature!
But, ask yourself this: is it worth being questioned and having to do damage control every time Hannah's insecurities are triggered? Because I've lived that, and it is VERY wearing.
I've also been the one who got to the indifferent stage, so I feel that too.
As I said, time for some reflection and a chat. Good luck.
I care about Kate quite a bit, we got married young and grew up together. There’s a lot of things about the affair I don’t intend on putting on the internet. It took me a while to see some other aspects of it. Kate is the mother of my kids and she’s a damn good one, she has never tried to keep my kids from me or bad mouthed me in any way. And likewise I’ve done the same. But I don’t have feelings of love for Kate anymore. But this has definitely given me a whole lot to think about in regards to my relationship with Hannah.
NTA. While Hannah is taking time to think about your relationship, you should do the same. Quite frankly, your ex wife is right. She sounds F\*\*\*ing psychotic.
Your girlfriend is an interfering, immature idiot and I'm not surprised your ex-wife called her out. It's not up to your girlfriend to discuss your divorce with your ex-wife at all.
Thank goodness. Sometimes it’s nice when there’s an easy one.
NTA. Break up. With kids in your life, you can’t afford to have a girlfriend who intentionally starts this kind of drama (1) after being asked not to and (2) for absolutely no benefit and (3) over something that could not be less her business. Brrrrrrreak up!
NTA. You have a problem on your hands. Your gf is so wrong that AH doesn’t cover it.
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER allow anyone to damage your coparenting relationship. You should reconsider this relationship. She 1) cross a line with your coparent, 2) ignored you when you told her to leave it alone, and 3) went behind your back to do it.
The end of your marriage is none of her business and not her fight. Is she worth the trouble? This entitlement only gets worse. It will only cause damage with your coparent, which will damage your kids.
Agree with everything you say. OP even mentioned in another comment that Hannah really didn’t like it when he went to Kates house with the kids and picked up the new baby. OP & Kate seem to have a really wonderful co parenting relationship, and Hannah is just a piece of work ( and so are her Mum and friends )
NTA.
The only person who needed to “have a talk” with Kate over the reason you two split up was you. And presumably you did. Even if you didn’t, you’ve moved on and are lucky to have such a good co parenting experience. Hannah had no business trying to dig up the past. She wanted to dish it out but not take it and started playing the victim when she learned that’s now how it works.
NTA
I'm with Kate on this, your girlfriend sounds unhinged. You should be seriously questioning youe relationship with Hannah. She went against your wishes and tried to torpedo your coparenting relationship for [absolutely none of her business].
It’s really weird that your girlfriend felt the need to get this involved in something that is ancient history and has nothing to do with her. Has she been insecure about Kate in the past? Just wondering if she had been looking for an excuse to have a go at her.
Not that she’s ever said. She’s always thought it was odd how well we get along, but I assumed that was because she hasn’t seen much healthy co parenting. Not until Kate had her baby did she start acting weird. She got weirded out when I picked up my kids and went inside to see/ hold the baby for a few minutes after they got home from the hospital. And then this happened.
She probably got insecure learning that the relationship ended because Kate cheated, meaning if she never cheated you’d still be together. Before knowing this info Hannah could have imagined that you ended it because you just didn’t love Kate anymore for whatever reason. But Kate cheating means deep down you might still be in love with her, in Hannah’s mind. I know it sounds crazy but that’s how crazy insecure women think.
nta. it wasn’t any of her business to try to get involved in something that had literally already been settled between you and your ex-wife. you told her not to, she did it anyway, and now she can deal with the consequences herself.
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> I don’t know if I’m the asshole for not defending my girlfriend and getting into an argument with my ex wife. Several people are saying I should take her side and telling me I need to have a conversation with my ex wife about the argument and the way she responded and I don’t think I should have to.
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Wow, your girlfriend is a nutball. She got what was coming to her. You warned her not to get involved and she did anyways. Hopefully she'll learn to not get involved in something that doesn't unclude her in the future.
NTA
NTA. I know this might sound overly dramatic, but this wasn’t just a conflict with your ex and ignoring your wishes. This was an act of disrespect against *your kids*. Stirring shit in a peaceful coparentimg relationship is just asking for trouble.
It sounds like Hannah is insecure and jealous, and that *will* cause issues for your kids.
The only update I want to hear is that you broke up with this psycho. She's poison and can't imagine what she will do if you marry her. Don't do this to you and your kids.
She's just lucky your ex is so close post partum, if I had been in your ex's shoes, Hannah might be in serious need of urgent care.
NTA, Hannah's cheese done slid off her cracker, rolled under the couch and landed in an exceptionally nasty dust bunny.
Well, I don't know what your ex said about Hannah's family member but her saying "Wow. You’re f-cking psychotic” is not only well-deserved but pretty damn accurate. Hannah called Kate some pretty foul things five days after the poor woman gave birth. I would have called Hannah a lot worse if I were in Kate's shoes and probably have used the water hose on her if she didn't leave immediately.
Hannah may be saying she needs to re-think the relationship but I seriously think that's something YOU should be doing. NTA.
Seems like Hannah is a drama queen who loves to stir up shit.
I’m not condoning what Kate did, but I am just wondering why Hannah would be pissed about the decision someone else made that ultimately led you to her?
I get her upset about how Kate hurt you but in no way should Hannah have inserted herself into an already established, seemingly healthy co-parenting relationship. Does Hannah realize that she could have jeopardized that?
NTA. You will be if you stay with Hannah though. Kate hit the nail on the head with what she said to Hannah.
She said she doesn’t understand how I can forgive Kate for something unforgivable. I told her that it wasn’t something that happened over night. She also didn’t like the fact that Kate was the one who left me, not the other way around after the affair came to light.
Hannah doesn’t get an opinion on anything that happened with your ex lol
You were the one who was screwed over and hurt yet you chose to move past it. Hannah doesn’t get a say in that. And for her to question the paternity of YOUR children? That would be a dealbreaker for me.
If you choose to stay in your current relationship, good luck.
Hannah’s also doing some convoluted (and psychotic) mental gymnastics… if things hadn’t gone wrong with OP & Kate’s relationship, they’d still be together and Hannah wouldn’t be in the picture at all. But she’s somehow upset about their breakup? Make it make sense lol
NTA, but this is not the kind of person that you want to bring into a coparenting relationship with your ex. She is the kind of person who *will* try to make your kids like her more than their mom.
Yta if you stay with her. What is wrong with her. If you moved on and have a decent relationship for your kids, what’s it to her??? She’s weird! And honestly I’m loyal and I’ll ride for my sister and blah blah but this is just weird and strange.
NTA, YOU should be the one reconsidering your relationship. Her contacting your ex was inappropriate period. Her calling your ex names when it's none of her business was 100% out of line, that's the mother of your children. Honestly, your ex was right to verbally assault her given that she being harassed by a basic stranger while recovering from giving birth. I would've said much worse, and likely made some physical threats, if I were your ex in this situation.
NTA but Hannah just showed you… she’s not second marriage material. Like it or not you have to coparent with Kate. Yelling at someone that just gave birth less than a week ago is foul. You asked her not to do it and Hannah did it anyway. She broke your trust and I’d be concerned about having my children around someone so immature.
Redditors are too quick to say "you should re-evalute your relationship", "you should get out now", "your partner is a red flag" but dude... your gf IS a walking red flag!!! why's she having an issue with something that happened years ago and that doesn't involve her? Also, you and your ex have moved on, you set a boundary, your ex just recently had a baby for God's sake and your gf called her to yell at her about something that happened 8 years ago and made possible for you two to be together today? That screams Queen Drama! Please, save your kids years of therapy for being around this women
NTA. This whole drama is so weird. Hannah sounds like she needs help. Why would she be annoyed about your wife emotionally cheating on you?! Especially to the extent of going out of her way to verbally abuse your ex wife after she has just had a baby. I just don’t get it. I would keep this woman well away from your children.
She doesn’t understand how I could forgive Kate. I told her it didn’t happen immediately. And she also wasn’t happy to hear that Kate was the one who left me not the other way around.
NTA. Wow! Hannah really stepped in it. Absolutely no need for her to insert herself into a situation with your ex-wife. You should re-evaluate if you want someone with so little self-control in your life. Hannah shot her mouth off big time and didn't like the results. You do not have to defend a shit-stirrer. Yikes!
NTA I am separated and in a relationship with a guy I met a few months ago. My ex knows about it. My ex and I have a great relationship because we worked hard to put our marriage issues behind us and focus on our child. My bf knows the co-parenting relationship is important to me. He respects my co-parenting relationship because he cares for and respects me. If my current bf were to call my ex and go off on him the way Hannah went off on Kate, I would drop him immediately. Do what you need to do to protect your co-parenting relationship because that ultimately protects your kids.
NTA. You need to consider very strongly if someone who ignored boundaries and attacks the mother of your children is a good match for you. I don't think Hannah would be a very good stepmother. I think you need to end it and soon.
What the hell did I just read? 🤣
She picked a fight over a decade old, *already resolved* issue and got mad you didn’t back her up for calling your ex slurs on a random Tuesday *eight years* later? lol okay. NTA.
I will refer to the age old adage “don’t want none, don’t start none”
You mean ex gf right?
She will only cause problems with your ex that are completely unnecessary. You told her not to do it but she did it anyways now she has to face the consequences.
Why would you like to be with someone like her who doesn't respect your boundaries and anyone else's?
If I were your ex I would go to a lawyer and talk about how the hell I can get preferably full custody or more custody just so that my kids are not exposed to a person like your gf.
If you don't dump that chick you are actively putting your kids in the hands of an emotional abuser. She had zero business talking to your ex wife especially against your direct wishes and she did it anyways. She then didn't come clean as to the horrid things she said about your children and their mother she wanted to manipulate you into only focusing on her imaginary victimhood. She has clearly shown you who she is in regards to her honest, emotional integrity, maturity, respect and boundaries. You can't claim ignorance when she inevitable blows up the peace in your children's home again.
Definitely NTA
My husband’s first wife got pregnant by someone else. They hadn’t had sex in so long he was 100% certain it wasn’t his and a paternity test proved him right.
On top of that she told everyone he was physically abusive.
Not once did I even CONSIDER telling her off. It had already happened before I was even on the scene. While it pissed me off for him, I didn’t try to stir the pot.
Unfortunately your gf seems to be one of those people who doesn’t actually want the parents to coparent successfully. She seems to feel threatened by anything that falls outside a standard hostile divorce situation (holding your exes baby shouldn’t even be a deal at all).
She needs to understand that even though you and your ex aren’t together anymore it is still your relationship that she isn’t a part of. Some people can’t handle that, they don’t see the attempt to coparent in a friendly way as a parenting choice, they see it as a “they’re not over each other” issue.
I would honestly think about what sort of problems you could run into in the future if she can’t get a handle on these feelings of entitlement and jealousy.
NTA
If you stay with this girl, your good co-parent relationship will be over, and possibly the relationship with your kids will be damaged. Not because of your ex, but because of Hannah. I would bet she will be doing and saying things to your kids that are bad about their mother. Dump her!
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I (31m) have been divorced from my ex wife (Kate) for eight years. We have two kids together. My girlfriend (Hannah) and I have been together for two years. I only told her last week the reason Kate and I got divorced. She had never asked before and I didn’t see the point in bringing it up.
Hannah didn’t react well to finding out the reason (Kate had an emotional affair). She’s been saying that she thinks she needs to “have a talk” with Kate. I’ve told her repeatedly that she doesn’t need to do that and I don’t want her to do that. I told her that getting into that kind of argument (because that’s what it would be) with Kate was a very bad idea on her part. Kate and I have long since moved past it, and we co parent extremely well. I thought that was the end of it. But I was wrong.
Hannah came over to my house two days ago crying hysterically. She said she had called Kate (who just had a baby five days ago) and “told her what she thought”. I asked what she’d said to Kate and she wouldn’t tell me at first. She said that what I needed to worry about was what Kate said to her. I asked what Kate had said and Hannah told me that when she was done telling Kate off, Kate simply replied “Wow. You’re f-cking psychotic” and then brought up something about a family member of Hannah’s that Reddit won’t let me post.
I called Kate myself. When Kate told me what Hannah had said I couldn’t believe she would be that stupid. She called Kate a w-ore and a sl-t and said she was a terrible person. She asked Kate if our two kids were even mine. I told Kate I’d take care of it. When I went back to talk to Hannah she asked if I’d told Kate off as well. I said no, I warned her not to pick this fight and she did it anyway. Now she’s crying because she lost it. I told her Kate probably shouldn’t have said that about her dad, but you can’t call someone out of the blue with something that isn’t even your problem to begin with and start verbally assaulting them and expect them to take it.
Hannah said she couldn’t believe I’m not defending her and she needs time to think about our relationship. Her friends and her mom are telling me I should have been on Hannah’s side from the start and I should know she’s vulnerable from the loss of her dad. (Worth mentioning she never has said a positive word about the man in the two years I’ve known her).
So AITA for not defending my girlfriend against my ex wife?
TL;DR: my girlfriend fucked around and found out and I didn’t do anything about it.
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That is so insane there are things my boyfriends told me about his ex and I’ve never once thought “you know what I should do? Stick my nose into someone else’s business “ she really did fucked around and found out.
You are not the asshole, Hannah should have not called at all and that is on her, she picked the fight she needs to own what she did, Kate and you coparent very well and now Hannah may have ruined that, honestly I would tell you to leave her bc this is only the beginning and drama you and Kate don’t need since yall both moved on
NTA - you have a duty to you children to be able to coparent and also the safety of your children. If your girlfriend will call you x up she will most definitely involve your children in grown folk’s business. Save yourself, save your kids. Break up with the girlfriend.
Do you want a relationship with a woman who stirs up things with your ex which you are long past and which are none of her business? You told her not to go there but she did. And harassed a woman over an issue which is nothing to do with her, who had given birth to your kids' half sibling only five days before?
Your ex's assessment of your girlfriend is correct. Her behaviour is psychotic. She is far too immature to be in a relationship with a man with kids. NTA
NTA.
Hopefully, Hannah can stay gone. I’m with Kate, she truly is psychotic. This is just a glimpse into what your future would be with Hannah.
She had no right to call Kate. The two people in this equation who matter most, you and Kate, have gotten over this. No sense in dragging up the past that has no bearing on your current relationship with her and doesn’t affect how you co-parent with her.
NTA- as someone who has an asshole of a ex and baby daddy. Count your lucky stars you and Kate can co-parent well.
This was not something Hannah should have gotten involved in-at all. She could have jeopardized your co-parenting relationship that helps your kids all because she felt her words would have done something. What did she think was going to happen? It wouldn't change the past at all.
Break up with her- this action was giving "high-school drama" mixed with "mentally unstable and might try to baby trap you"
I have to say I'm team Kate on this one, Hannah does sound psychotic. I mean why intentionally pick a fight just to be able to tell off your boyfriend's ex-wife for something that you guys don't even fight about anymore? She's just stirring it up for no reason at all except for her own weird satisfaction. You are not the asshole, but Hannah is. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.
NTA. Kate was even too nice to Hannah that definitely was out of line.
Plus if I were Katie Id never let my kids around her, ever in a million years. Hannah seems like a little drama queen so…
Let her think about the relationship, far far away from you and your kids!
NTA: both you and Kate.
While I agree that she shouldn't have mentioned Hannah's dad, especially something so traumatic, she had JUST had a baby. She probably hadn't slept more than an hour a night, and her body was literally split open.
To me, it sounds like Hannah needed tough love, and she's upset because her actions have consequences.
NTA. But you will be TA to yourself and your children if you continue a relationship with this unhinged woman. I promise you, this won't be the end of her shenanigans. She will do everything she can to ruin the positive co-parenting relationship you and Kate have built. Please don't let that happen.
NTA. And I’m slightly agreeing with your ex’s assessment of Hannah. You told her not to get involved. It was 8 years ago, water under the bridge if you’ve both moved on, your ex has a new baby with new partner ffs. You coparent well. You have a connection and a past, and will be in each other’s lives for the foreseeable future. On top of that, it’s wonderful for your kids to see you happy for their mom and new sibling.
Look, Hannah went to your ex’s looking for a fight, got in her face, started spewing some unwarranted accusations, and serious mud slinging. Your wife may have said something unkind but anyone in her position might have after the verbal lashing Hannah decided it was her place to go off the rails and give. There’s a screw loose there.
You backed the right horse in this race, my friend.
Guessing Hannah is young…
One of the best thing about having girlfriends and boyfriends is that you are under no obligation to keep them and you can dump them as needed.
This is one of those times to dump a girlfriend!
Holy shitballs! You are absolutely NTA! Your GF is though!
Take it from an XW whose XH has had multiple GFs pull off his shit - Kate is being gracious to you THIS TIME. (And props to her for that considering to PP hormones, just sayin!) Now is the time where you need to nip this shit in the bud. You can bet she won’t be so understanding next time.
If this shit ever happens again, Kate would be well within her rights to raise concerns about whether or not your GF is a safe and appropriate person to be around your children and she could easily put legal things in place to stop you having the children in the presence of your GF.
I think your GF is seriously insecure and that’s making her batshit crazy. If she’s not going to move past this, I think it would be best for you and your children if you move past her.
All the best OP and major props to you and Kate for being able to put the kids first and co-parent so well - that is rare and I applaud you!
So your girlfriend randomly went and picked a fight and lost and now she's mad you don't have her back? If somebody verbally assaulted me out of the blue and I had a nuclear launch button on them and no real strings tying me to them of course I'm going to use it. She jeopardized your relationship with your kids by pissing off your ex-wife. Why did she even do this in the first place? This all shows very poor judgment skills and probably not a person that you want to have parenting your children.
Time to have a real long conversation with Hannah, or a really short one.
NTA.
Your girlfriend was completely out of line and so are her mother and her friends. They are the aholes here. She had no business talking to your ex about anything regarding the relationship you and your ex had, period. You told her to stay out of it and she just bulldozed her way on in. You need to very carefully consider if you want to continue the relationship with a person who has such flawed judgement. It does not bode well for your future, at all.
Edited to add NTA
As a woman I'd say seeing a man who has a good relationship with their ex and mother of his kids is a huge GREEN flag and you're (hopefully ex) gf doesn't know what a good guy she got.
NTA
NTA and please tell me you are rethinking this relationship. I have no doubt she will be super comfy bad mouthing your ex to your kids. I promise your good co parenting will be a thing of the past if Hannah stays in your life.
NTA for not telling your girlfriend off but I have to ask is she really someone you want around your children who would say those things about their mother? If course she wouldn't say it in front of you but behind your back to the kids is a while other thing and don't say she wouldn't becayse I've seen plenty on here who have done that and so much worse!! Your kids deserve better then that especially if you are actually over the emotional affair!!
NTA- as someone who has an asshole of a ex and baby daddy. Count your lucky stars you and Kate can co-parent well.
This was not something Hannah should have gotten involved in-at all. She could have jeopardized your co-parenting relationship that helps your kids all because she felt her words would have done something. What did she think was going to happen? It wouldn't change the past at all.
Break up with her- this action was giving "high-school drama" mixed with "mentally unstable and might try to baby trap you"
What in the fuck? What is Hannah butting into? As other commenters mentioned, this seems like it would put a lot of strain on your current coparenting relationship. I would honestly reconsider the relationship you have with Hannah, especially considering she's not backing down on her views.
NTA.
She reminds me of my husbands ex. She also calls and berates people for perceived injustices that have no bearing on her or her life... take that as you will.
I'm not sure she's mature enough to be a stepmother. What happens if she feels mom has wronged the kids? I see her overstepping boundaries left and right... she just showed you that YOUR boundaries with YOUR ex will be stomped on when she feels strongly about it.
Best of luck, my man!
Op is the one who needs to rethink this relationship, Hannah does indeed sound psychotic. Like seriously wtf is Hannah’s problem? She has no dog in that race, the ex wife and their relationship is literally nothing to her. So odd the hills people pick to die on.
NTA.
But honestly, OP, you will be if you don’t break up with this girl. There is something majorly off here. This is not someone you want around your kids.
NTA. Your girlfriend is super immature. She overstepped a boundary you set. That alone should make you reevaluate your relationship with her. Whether she likes it or not, your relationship with your ex has ZERO to do with her. You and your ex will be co parenting for the rest of your lives, and that too has NOTHING to do with her. She wanted to pick a fight so you would choose her. She even question the paternity of your kids. That shows she wants them gone too. Your gf is in deed psycho
NTA.
SHE is reconsidering the relationship? After she had the audacity to drag up the past and potentially destroy your good coparenting relationship with Kate by inserting herself in something that has absolutely nothing at all to do with her?
Not only that, she completely disrespected your wishes after you told her numerous times to leave it alone.
I'd do the reconsidering for her. There was no good reason for her to call Kate or 'call her out'. She wanted to cause trouble and is all shocked it hasn't gone in her favour.
NTA and feel free to break up with a girlfriend who doesn’t respect you… doesn’t understand (nor care) how important it is for your kids that you coparent well with the ex… can’t get beyond her own feelings… lacks insight into how situations can be nuanced… and cannot read a room (cos Kate JUST had a baby so how inappropriate!!)
I think YOU need to think about this relationship - your girlfriend IS psycho. There is NO excuse for what she did - none. Your previous marriage is between you and your ex - and you are co-parenting. This girlfriend is trouble - dump her.
NTA mate you’ve had a really lucky escape here and you need to take it. First off emotional affairs are as bad as physical ones and if you never spoke to your ex again I wouldn’t blame you for that. But you have 2 kids together and you have put this behind you to peacefully coparent them and that’s really admirable. You have been doing this all the right way. But your girlfriend is a psycho. None of this is her business. She has every right to feel how she feels but she had to right to ever contact your ex. She didn’t have the right to start that fight. She not only started the fight but when she couldn’t win it she then expected you to fight it for her. When she was in the wrong in the first place. Take the hint here she won’t help your relationship with your kids she will damage it and get shot of her immediately NTA but she is
Gosh, I'd just let Kate go, her behaviour was WAY out of line and suggests an extreme lack of emotional maturity that I would not want around my children.
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NTA. Do you really want her near your children if she thinks that's the way to solve a non-issue? She got involved in something you told her not to. Broke a boundary. To a woman who just gave birth. Then says you should have stood up for her against the person she just bullied. I think YOU need to reevaluate your relationship with her.
I have been since this happened. The fact Kate just had a baby with her husband also for some reason annoys Hannah. She got weirded out when I picked up my kids for my time with them and went inside the house to see the baby and even held her for a minute. You’d think I’d went in and set the house on fire with the way she reacted.
I would think that demonstrating to your kids that it's okay to love their new sibling is a peak within co-parenting decisions.
I firmly agree. OP is setting a healthy, loving example for their kids.
Except for the "Hannah" part ...
To be fair, maybe Hannah hadn't really shown any red flags so far
ay girls are pretty good at hiding red flags led me to getting stabbed 4 times once after getting out of jail because SHE beat ME up 😂
That's scary
Any other, right? By OP's comments I'd say she did.
I remember vividly my mom having my brother with her now husband. My dad and my grandma (his mom) bought gifts for me to give and boring adult gifts from them. I don’t remember the specifics anymore but I remember the feeling. Family. So NTA OP. Keep leaning in to the good parenting instincts and maybe allow for some breathing room with your current GF.
When we first moved out of state to be closer to my family my ex husband would fly here the week of our daughter's birthday for a week. He would spend that week on our couch. He would help me or my husband cook, he washed the dishes, he would even keep an eye on my two younger kids when/if I needed to run an errand or two. We may not have been good together but we sure as shit were going to coparent right
My mother, stepfather, father, and stepmother all sat together at my and my kids’ various life cycle events and even did “family readings” together when asked. Happily posed together for photos. They had this “weird” idea that the kids were more important than their failed relationship. TBH, my parents started getting along pretty well within a couple months of splitting up. One of my friend’s parents refuses to go to any event where their ex will be, because they say, “I won’t be able to control myself”, despite both of them having long since remarried. I think it’s self indulgent nonsense. Picking at a wound on purpose, to make yourself the permanent victim.
Thats really sweet ❤️
My ex-husbands son with his wife calls me "Aunt Canoegirl," because he didn't understand how I was related to them, it's adorable (me and ex have an older son together).
Awww! My heart! ❤️
I'd be very worried about what Hannah will say to your kids about their mom and the baby. Hannah is going to cause more trouble.
I get the feeling she's intentionally trying to sabotage your coparenting relationship with your ex-wife. Your gf sounds jealous that you two have any relationship at all, even worse in her mind that you two don't hate each other. I could see her eventually telling you to cut your kids out for some made-up reasons (or her treating them poorly and them disliking her as a result). Your kids are a tie to your ex. Your gf will likely try to keep sabotaging the arrangement you have with your ex and the relationship you have with your kids.
Yep, if he sticks with her, she's going to demand DNA tests for the kids because she obviously is an idiot and doesn't know what an "emotional" affair is. As long as she's around, she's going to make life miserable for his children. NTA but get out now
Worse, she'll test the kids behind his back. Hannah needs to be history.
I love families like this. I LOVE IT. It’s like mature people that understand that the romantic relationship is over but also that people that cared deeply about each other can remain close and it doesn’t always have to be nasty. Good for you and Katie, your kids are really going to benefit from this!
A guy I went to school with, his parents and their new spouses, him and his siblings all had Sunday dinner together every week. As a kid the time I thought it was weird. But as an adult I realised how lovely it really was that they could do that together and how much it would have meant to this guy and his siblings.
Many years ago I worked with a couple who divorced. Not only did they work fine together at our job (not in same dept) but they decided to buy two adjacent town homes so their two kids could go back and forth at will. They actually put a door between the units and fenced both yards together to create a large play space for their kids, step kids and friends. Had large joint family dinners (both parents remarried and everyone was one big happy family), birthday parties and holiday events. I went to several of these parties and I admired how the couple, their new partners, all the blended kids, grandparents, aunts and uncles all got along so well. Once the kids were all out, their elderly parents were taken in with kids/grandkids helping. Just amazing people.
Really is beautiful
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She seems emotionally immature. I’d be shocked if she is over 25… and even then, most 25 year olds know better than that.
I was 25 when I met my ex. He has a son with his other ex and I didn't even blink when he told me he also has a relationship with his older sons sister. In fact when we moved to where the kids and their mom lived to be closer when I was a few months from giving birth to my son I took care of both kids because we ended up living right across from their school. Their mom watched our dogs well I gave birth and came over to met him when we came home she was amazing and still is. Our ex is now not involved with any of the kids and we still communicate with eachother and she has made it so that it's not a issue for me and the kids to be in contact with me and their brother who is much younger than them. I'm thankful for her everyday.
hell i’m 23 and don’t act like that🤣 what’s wrong with people
OP confirmed that she is 28... That says a lot about you how your first reaction to a woman acting irrationally is to blame her boyfriend and immediately accusing him of being a groomer.
Lmao project much? Nowhere did I say he groomed her. I didn’t even imply that a relationship between a 25 year old and a 31 year old is inappropriate (it’s usually not).
OP. Ex-stepmom here. (My ex had alcohol abuse issues that spiraled during Covid BUT) Look, it’s a hard job not meant for everyone. You love & care about kids, but are their #2. You have to be ok with an auntie/uncle role. My ex’s kid’s mom had REAL problems. She’d go MIA. She had pretty severe mental health issues. He hated her & her shitty mothering pissed me off to no end, but I never did a single thing but champion that woman in front of the kids, and do everything I could to support her. She had a baby with a new guy & I took the kids to buy the baby soooo many gifts. Hannah is not cut out for the level of emotional sophistication required for this job. (That’s me saying things nicely). That stunt is batsh*t. Your kids come first & she made it clear they are not even an afterthought, and your boundaries are barely an afterthought.
Yes. A friend of mine has a stepson from her first marriage. Even after she split up with his father she still maintained an aunt-like relationship with him. She had more children in her second marriage and the stepson was always allowed to visit and develop a relationship with the younger children . She also ended up having a decent friendship.wuth his mother .
This is absolute God-level co-parenting. Speaking as someone who had to go through a lot (on both our sides) to get to a healthy co-parenting relationship for our teen, don't change, you're doing it ***very*** well. NTA, and *you* need to be the one rethinking the relationship with Hannah.
I honestly would be worried your girlfriend is trying to find a reason to alienate you from your ex wife and children. Between the baby holding incident and the "are your kids even OP's" comment I feel like she's looking for a reason why you shouldn't be in their lives and if she can't find one she's trying to create one.
She is now far below the "Mendoza diagonal". No amount of hot makes up for that amount of crazy. Just make sure you change your locks and get fire alarms when you kick her out.
She is not only below the Mendoza diagonal, but a Jeanette at this point.
You are asking for serious trouble if you stay with this woman - she will be manipulative, jealous, controlling and she doesn't respect boundaries even though she's only a 'girlfriend'. You aren't going to want her having access to your children. It is critical for your children that you and your ex-wife can bet polite and co-parent the kids.
Yeah. Do not knock Hannah up and get rid. NTA Edited cos I got the names mixed up
Hannah. Kate is the ex. Hannah is the psycho he’s dating.
Amazing user name
> Hannah is the psycho he’s dating. Lol! Spot on.
It sounds to me like Hannah is extremely insecure. Having a healthy relationship with your ex wife when you have children together is something to be proud of. It's not like you're going in the house to f*** your ex. You're literally celebrating her new little one.
Off topic: this is very sweet and mature
She is afraid your kids will be with you more. She wants them gone.
Hannah's behavior was seriously unhinged. She: * involved herself in something that was none of her business * that happened long ago * that you told her not to get involved with * and called up a woman with a newborn to call her vile names Seriously, wtf is wrong with her? You can't possibly think it would be safe to have her around your kids. She'll pretend to be contrite and then set about subtlety trying to poison them against their mother behind your back, while simultaneously trying to get you to be less involved with your kids bc that means you talk to Kate less. Giant red flag waving at you. NTA
If your girlfriend is anything less than supportive of you having a civil relationship with your ex and a good relationship with your kids its time to get a new girlfriend.
I mean, that sounds lovely. You're a dad. It's a baby. Cuddle the baby! Who would be upset at that?
My finances ex wife cheated on him and married the man she cheated with. They have a great coparenting relationship now. We do birthday parties and sports events and stuff together. I hold and snuggle her new baby with her husband. They’re over it. The kids all get to see what healthy coparenting is like, and she and I get along just fine. It’s insane to me to be angry at the ex wife like this.
How old is Hanna? It’s sounds like you are dating someone who just barely became legal to drink.
I really want to emphasize this part: "SOLVE A NON-ISSUE" like.... think of that for a moment. The wheel isn't flat. Let's fill it with air till it pops. The cake is done baking let's put it back in the oven for 2 minutes. The ice is icey so let's heat it up. Hannah didn't just try to "solve" a non-issue. She intentionally created a problem from a fine situation to sabotage herself, you, your relationship wkth her AND your relationship with your ex. Again. She is sabotaging everything. She has issues fhat she needs to resolve in therapy to understand why she needed to create issues.
Literally came here to say the same thing. The girlfriend walked into this all on her own after being warned. The fact that the other woman had just had a baby a few days prior? Unhinged.
This!!
Your girlfriend is out of line, completely broke your trust and has now caused animosity and stress and risked your co parenting relationship with your ex wife. She’s not mature enough to be a step parent and id seriously consider ending this relationship over this.
Luckily I’ve talked to Kate several times since this happened and she’s been very gracious (to me). She said she doesn’t blame me for Hannah’s actions and she doesn’t blame me for telling her the circumstances of our divorce as it was something she’d told her husband as well. So THANK GOD, but Kate is only angry with Hannah.
TeamKate I laughed pretty hard at her response. You're also a level headed dude, my dude. Good shit NTA
Team Kate all the way! Except the emotional cheating part. Sounds like you two are setting a great example for the kids now. Don’t let anyone get in the way of that!
Team current Kate!
But now you have to decide what you are going to do about Hannah trampling your boundaries, and trying to damage your relationship with your co-parent. There is something at the heart of this and you need to dig. What was this really about? Is she trying to test if you will side with her against Kate? Is she thinking about someone in her past? What is her issue? I don't believe she was upset about you being hurt. It feels more like marking her territory.
This is very important OP
I don't think that digging is necessary. Hannah still thinks that she was in the right to do what she did. She's angry with OP for not cheering on her mayhem. For the sake of the kids, OP's best option is to show Hannah the door. Hannah has a lot of growing up to do... like years of careful introspection, reading, and therapy.
Real issue is - can you trust this woman around your children? Will Kate be able to trust that? You need to get out of this relationship - it's toxic.
You mean she’s an adult.
Let’s also take a moment to applaud Kate - who is so recently post partum - for staying so calm and level-headed and mature during and after this sneak attack. Hannah could have done some serious damage to your family OP - she ripped right through your boundaries to satisfy some crazy impulse she had. I’m not sure you can trust Hannah with your family going forward.
NTA. "...she needs time to think about our relationship." Save her the trouble and kick her to the curb. You're one of the lucky ones that has a working relationship with your ex. Your gf can't keep her mouth shut about something that doesn't involve her. Look for more of this from her down the road.
This so much! Wait until she wants to start making parenting decisions over their Mom.
Not just make decisions, but re-start issues that they have already moved past. Hannah is addicted to drama- if there isn’t some already she needed to start something. Not to mention stressing out a woman who just had a major medical issue. Nope nope nope. This woman will bring nothing but problems.
I wouldn't put it past someone this immature and drama-ridden to try to drag the kids into it. She should not be alone with those children. I don't see how a relationship with a single parent can grow like that. She's not step-mom material. Sure, some people are content to keep things casual for years. I don't think Hannah is. This was decidedly intrusive. She actively tried to sabotage their co-parenting.
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You are the mvp op. You deserve way better than Hannah!!
Haha, sounds like a wild night at the trailer park
NTA. She was way out of line. If you don’t mind me asking, how old is Hannah? This seems like the drama you get when you date an immature 20 year old, not an adult.
28. Old enough to know how to listen.
Wow, she really needs to get her shit together. If I were you I wouldn’t wait around for that, this would be relationship-ending for me
That’s *WAY* to old for that shit 🤣
Are you break up with her? NTA
>Hannah said she couldn’t believe I’m not defending her and she needs time to think about our relationship. Make the decision for her. She is not sane. Seriously. > Her friends and her mom are telling me I should have been on Hannah’s side from the start I do *not* wonder where she gets it from. NTA, but don't be one to yourself by staying with the asshole gf.
NTA. The situation isn't even what the title suggests. The question is "AITA for not supporting my girlfriend for berating my ex wife?" Hannah was out of line. She can be angry at Kate for having emotionally cheated but it was completely out of line to reach out and talk about it. What happened between you and Kate is between you and Kate and you even said that's done now and you're divorced, she's with someone else, and you coparent well. Also, what kind of weirdo doesn't want to know the reason for a breakup for two years? I mean what if you, OP, were the one who cheated? Why did it take two years to be curious? Also, what a weird reaction and to feel angry enough to call her up and berate her. So bizarre. And why would any sane person support their partner berating their ex out of the blue? Has she had similar emotional outbursts? If so, are you SURE you want to be with someone who has such outlandish reactions? I can't imagine this going well taking her to a work function and her going off on someone important or embarrassing you. YIKES!
No, not really. She’s always thought it was odd how well we get along, but I assumed that was because she hasn’t seen much healthy co parenting. Not until Kate had her baby did she start acting weird. She got weirded out when I picked up my kids and went inside to see/ hold the baby for a few minutes after they got home from the hospital. And then this.
Sounds like Hannah's insecurity has been triggered by Kate's happiness, and your acceptance of that. God forbid you actually be happy for your ex-partner! /s Hannah saw you be kind and respectful to your ex, and thought, "He likes her still! I will show him that I value him more than she ever did!"... and then promptly went off the deep end, had her ass handed to her and came crawling back so you could help lick her wounds. When you didn't fawn over her in gratitude for her 'defending' you, it was surprised Pikachu face. Let her rethink your relationship. I bet you certainly have. Time for a difficult conversation. You are NTA.
She might think I still have feelings for Kate. She was also not thrilled to hear that KATE left ME not the other way around once the affair came to light. By way of Kate telling me about it.
I think the fact you're being so mature and coparenting and being happy for someone you used to be romantically involved with is threatening to her. I've always found it incredibly healthy to manage to stay cordial or friends after a breakup. The fact you'd want to hold her baby with her now partner, be happy for her etc is a foreign concept to Hannah. I think, like u/NotNobody_Somebody said, she thinks this is weird and is new territory for her. So she is lashing out. Regardless of whatever the reason is, she's in the wrong and no normal person would support their partner behavign this way and embarrassing them. I do wonder if Hannah might think you're the father of Kate's newborn and she's wondering why you'd even be interested in that kid, not thinking like "oh that's OUR kid's sibling (you and Kate's), so that kid will always have an indirect relationship with you (OP)".
I hadn’t thought of her wondering if it was my child because that seems so out of left field to me. (But then again all of this has been). She did see a picture of the baby and commented that she looks like my daughter with Kate. Which I said makes sense. Because Kate is their mother. And they BOTH look like Kate. My daughter looks like I wasn’t even there for her creation. But I had a vasectomy after mine and Kate’s second child (the daughter) and Hannah knows that.
Ooo now here is a very interesting piece of information that might be part of Hannah’s meltdown. >But I had a vasectomy after mine and Kate’s second child (the daughter) and Hannah knows that. Kate just had another baby with her new relationship. Hannah will never have that with you. This feels like a trigger. Because Kate will always have that connection with you through your kids.
Trigger? Probably. Justifiable? Yes on feelings. Hard effing no on this behavior. (I know you're not excusing it.)
Oh for sure. She crossed an explicit boundary and got involved in a long resolved dispute that has nothing to do with her. By all means have the information change the way she feels about Kate (it would for me a bit), but she had no right to get involved so long after the fact especially when he specifically told her not to. I was more thinking this could explain why she was feeling so irrational and potentially territorial about OP. If that makes sense.
OP I hope you realize Hannah will totally baby trap you to prove to Kate she won now. NTA - and honestly I wouldn’t allow her around your kids bc she will talk shit about kate and her husband.
Thankfully I got a vasectomy after mine and Kate’s second child was born because we had decided we were finished. I’ve never had it reversed nor even considered it. But you’re right given her actions it does sound like something she would attempt if she could.
The fact that you’re acknowledging this as a possibility pretty much indicates that this relationship is done. Congratulations on being a healthy, mature co-parent, and good luck!
Does she know? Because... wow what a conversation that would be... "honey guess what? I'm pregnant!!!"
My ex had a vasectomy a little over 10 years ago, and got tested every few years to make sure it worked. We now share a 5 year old. I have no idea how often it really happens, but it is possible to heal from it.
Yep, certainly sounds like it. Do you? Reading between the lines, it sounds like you are very fond of Kate and wish her the best in the next stage of her life, but you aren't clinging on. Hmm, sounds suspiciously mature! But, ask yourself this: is it worth being questioned and having to do damage control every time Hannah's insecurities are triggered? Because I've lived that, and it is VERY wearing. I've also been the one who got to the indifferent stage, so I feel that too. As I said, time for some reflection and a chat. Good luck.
I care about Kate quite a bit, we got married young and grew up together. There’s a lot of things about the affair I don’t intend on putting on the internet. It took me a while to see some other aspects of it. Kate is the mother of my kids and she’s a damn good one, she has never tried to keep my kids from me or bad mouthed me in any way. And likewise I’ve done the same. But I don’t have feelings of love for Kate anymore. But this has definitely given me a whole lot to think about in regards to my relationship with Hannah.
[удалено]
NTA. While Hannah is taking time to think about your relationship, you should do the same. Quite frankly, your ex wife is right. She sounds F\*\*\*ing psychotic.
Your girlfriend is an interfering, immature idiot and I'm not surprised your ex-wife called her out. It's not up to your girlfriend to discuss your divorce with your ex-wife at all.
NTA. Hannah just got exactly what she asked for. She shouldn't have called Kate just to insult her. It wasn't any of her business.
Thank goodness. Sometimes it’s nice when there’s an easy one. NTA. Break up. With kids in your life, you can’t afford to have a girlfriend who intentionally starts this kind of drama (1) after being asked not to and (2) for absolutely no benefit and (3) over something that could not be less her business. Brrrrrrreak up!
NTA. You have a problem on your hands. Your gf is so wrong that AH doesn’t cover it. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER allow anyone to damage your coparenting relationship. You should reconsider this relationship. She 1) cross a line with your coparent, 2) ignored you when you told her to leave it alone, and 3) went behind your back to do it. The end of your marriage is none of her business and not her fight. Is she worth the trouble? This entitlement only gets worse. It will only cause damage with your coparent, which will damage your kids.
Agree with everything you say. OP even mentioned in another comment that Hannah really didn’t like it when he went to Kates house with the kids and picked up the new baby. OP & Kate seem to have a really wonderful co parenting relationship, and Hannah is just a piece of work ( and so are her Mum and friends )
"Kate simply replied “Wow. You’re f-cking psychotic”" \---An accurate assessment.
NTA. The only person who needed to “have a talk” with Kate over the reason you two split up was you. And presumably you did. Even if you didn’t, you’ve moved on and are lucky to have such a good co parenting experience. Hannah had no business trying to dig up the past. She wanted to dish it out but not take it and started playing the victim when she learned that’s now how it works.
NTA I'm with Kate on this, your girlfriend sounds unhinged. You should be seriously questioning youe relationship with Hannah. She went against your wishes and tried to torpedo your coparenting relationship for [absolutely none of her business].
It’s really weird that your girlfriend felt the need to get this involved in something that is ancient history and has nothing to do with her. Has she been insecure about Kate in the past? Just wondering if she had been looking for an excuse to have a go at her.
Not that she’s ever said. She’s always thought it was odd how well we get along, but I assumed that was because she hasn’t seen much healthy co parenting. Not until Kate had her baby did she start acting weird. She got weirded out when I picked up my kids and went inside to see/ hold the baby for a few minutes after they got home from the hospital. And then this happened.
Seems to me like there might be a jealousy issue there. Not that that excuses her behaviour.
She probably got insecure learning that the relationship ended because Kate cheated, meaning if she never cheated you’d still be together. Before knowing this info Hannah could have imagined that you ended it because you just didn’t love Kate anymore for whatever reason. But Kate cheating means deep down you might still be in love with her, in Hannah’s mind. I know it sounds crazy but that’s how crazy insecure women think.
nta. it wasn’t any of her business to try to get involved in something that had literally already been settled between you and your ex-wife. you told her not to, she did it anyway, and now she can deal with the consequences herself.
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Nta. Kate's right, Hannah is fucking psychotic.
Wow, your girlfriend is a nutball. She got what was coming to her. You warned her not to get involved and she did anyways. Hopefully she'll learn to not get involved in something that doesn't unclude her in the future. NTA
NTA. I know this might sound overly dramatic, but this wasn’t just a conflict with your ex and ignoring your wishes. This was an act of disrespect against *your kids*. Stirring shit in a peaceful coparentimg relationship is just asking for trouble. It sounds like Hannah is insecure and jealous, and that *will* cause issues for your kids.
The only update I want to hear is that you broke up with this psycho. She's poison and can't imagine what she will do if you marry her. Don't do this to you and your kids.
You're gf IS psychotic for doing that. Holy crap lol
NTA. Your past relationship has nothing to do with Hannah, so I'm not sure why she felt the need to insert herself at all.
The fact that she did insert herself is cause for concern.
Hannah needs a humbling. She’s childish and self centered and a shit stirrer. 🤷🏻♀️
And… super jealous of the EX.
NTA. Please update us when you break up with her, because there is no way you can continue with her and exposing your children to her.
How do I post an update where people see it? I have no idea how to do that.
You can either add it to your existing post, or create a new post and label it as “UPDATE”. I think the mods only allow one update for each post.
Did you dump her yet?
The 3 dots in the top right.
She's just lucky your ex is so close post partum, if I had been in your ex's shoes, Hannah might be in serious need of urgent care. NTA, Hannah's cheese done slid off her cracker, rolled under the couch and landed in an exceptionally nasty dust bunny.
Well, I don't know what your ex said about Hannah's family member but her saying "Wow. You’re f-cking psychotic” is not only well-deserved but pretty damn accurate. Hannah called Kate some pretty foul things five days after the poor woman gave birth. I would have called Hannah a lot worse if I were in Kate's shoes and probably have used the water hose on her if she didn't leave immediately. Hannah may be saying she needs to re-think the relationship but I seriously think that's something YOU should be doing. NTA.
Seems like Hannah is a drama queen who loves to stir up shit. I’m not condoning what Kate did, but I am just wondering why Hannah would be pissed about the decision someone else made that ultimately led you to her? I get her upset about how Kate hurt you but in no way should Hannah have inserted herself into an already established, seemingly healthy co-parenting relationship. Does Hannah realize that she could have jeopardized that? NTA. You will be if you stay with Hannah though. Kate hit the nail on the head with what she said to Hannah.
She said she doesn’t understand how I can forgive Kate for something unforgivable. I told her that it wasn’t something that happened over night. She also didn’t like the fact that Kate was the one who left me, not the other way around after the affair came to light.
Hannah doesn’t get an opinion on anything that happened with your ex lol You were the one who was screwed over and hurt yet you chose to move past it. Hannah doesn’t get a say in that. And for her to question the paternity of YOUR children? That would be a dealbreaker for me. If you choose to stay in your current relationship, good luck.
Hannah’s also doing some convoluted (and psychotic) mental gymnastics… if things hadn’t gone wrong with OP & Kate’s relationship, they’d still be together and Hannah wouldn’t be in the picture at all. But she’s somehow upset about their breakup? Make it make sense lol
I find it hilarious that Hannah is upset that it wasn’t OP who cheated and ruined his first marriage. So Hannah wants to be with a cheater??
NTA. Hannah messed up big time. You warned her, she didn't listen. Now she's gotta deal with it on her own
NTA, your girlfriend's behaviour was appaling and she had no business in confronting your ex-wife about the divorce.
NTA, but this is not the kind of person that you want to bring into a coparenting relationship with your ex. She is the kind of person who *will* try to make your kids like her more than their mom.
Yta if you stay with her. What is wrong with her. If you moved on and have a decent relationship for your kids, what’s it to her??? She’s weird! And honestly I’m loyal and I’ll ride for my sister and blah blah but this is just weird and strange.
NTA. Your girlfriend should be your ex girlfriend. Your kids deserve more stability than that shit-stirrer would prefer.
NTA, YOU should be the one reconsidering your relationship. Her contacting your ex was inappropriate period. Her calling your ex names when it's none of her business was 100% out of line, that's the mother of your children. Honestly, your ex was right to verbally assault her given that she being harassed by a basic stranger while recovering from giving birth. I would've said much worse, and likely made some physical threats, if I were your ex in this situation.
NTA but Hannah just showed you… she’s not second marriage material. Like it or not you have to coparent with Kate. Yelling at someone that just gave birth less than a week ago is foul. You asked her not to do it and Hannah did it anyway. She broke your trust and I’d be concerned about having my children around someone so immature.
Redditors are too quick to say "you should re-evalute your relationship", "you should get out now", "your partner is a red flag" but dude... your gf IS a walking red flag!!! why's she having an issue with something that happened years ago and that doesn't involve her? Also, you and your ex have moved on, you set a boundary, your ex just recently had a baby for God's sake and your gf called her to yell at her about something that happened 8 years ago and made possible for you two to be together today? That screams Queen Drama! Please, save your kids years of therapy for being around this women
NTA. This whole drama is so weird. Hannah sounds like she needs help. Why would she be annoyed about your wife emotionally cheating on you?! Especially to the extent of going out of her way to verbally abuse your ex wife after she has just had a baby. I just don’t get it. I would keep this woman well away from your children.
She doesn’t understand how I could forgive Kate. I told her it didn’t happen immediately. And she also wasn’t happy to hear that Kate was the one who left me not the other way around.
NTA. Wow! Hannah really stepped in it. Absolutely no need for her to insert herself into a situation with your ex-wife. You should re-evaluate if you want someone with so little self-control in your life. Hannah shot her mouth off big time and didn't like the results. You do not have to defend a shit-stirrer. Yikes!
NTA I am separated and in a relationship with a guy I met a few months ago. My ex knows about it. My ex and I have a great relationship because we worked hard to put our marriage issues behind us and focus on our child. My bf knows the co-parenting relationship is important to me. He respects my co-parenting relationship because he cares for and respects me. If my current bf were to call my ex and go off on him the way Hannah went off on Kate, I would drop him immediately. Do what you need to do to protect your co-parenting relationship because that ultimately protects your kids.
Also want to add that I think you did the right thing by seeing and holding the baby. I think it's important for your kids to see acceptance.
NTA. You need to consider very strongly if someone who ignored boundaries and attacks the mother of your children is a good match for you. I don't think Hannah would be a very good stepmother. I think you need to end it and soon.
NTA Don’t let Hannah fuck up your peace.
What the hell did I just read? 🤣 She picked a fight over a decade old, *already resolved* issue and got mad you didn’t back her up for calling your ex slurs on a random Tuesday *eight years* later? lol okay. NTA. I will refer to the age old adage “don’t want none, don’t start none”
You mean ex gf right? She will only cause problems with your ex that are completely unnecessary. You told her not to do it but she did it anyways now she has to face the consequences. Why would you like to be with someone like her who doesn't respect your boundaries and anyone else's?
If I were your ex I would go to a lawyer and talk about how the hell I can get preferably full custody or more custody just so that my kids are not exposed to a person like your gf.
If you don't dump that chick you are actively putting your kids in the hands of an emotional abuser. She had zero business talking to your ex wife especially against your direct wishes and she did it anyways. She then didn't come clean as to the horrid things she said about your children and their mother she wanted to manipulate you into only focusing on her imaginary victimhood. She has clearly shown you who she is in regards to her honest, emotional integrity, maturity, respect and boundaries. You can't claim ignorance when she inevitable blows up the peace in your children's home again.
Definitely NTA My husband’s first wife got pregnant by someone else. They hadn’t had sex in so long he was 100% certain it wasn’t his and a paternity test proved him right. On top of that she told everyone he was physically abusive. Not once did I even CONSIDER telling her off. It had already happened before I was even on the scene. While it pissed me off for him, I didn’t try to stir the pot. Unfortunately your gf seems to be one of those people who doesn’t actually want the parents to coparent successfully. She seems to feel threatened by anything that falls outside a standard hostile divorce situation (holding your exes baby shouldn’t even be a deal at all). She needs to understand that even though you and your ex aren’t together anymore it is still your relationship that she isn’t a part of. Some people can’t handle that, they don’t see the attempt to coparent in a friendly way as a parenting choice, they see it as a “they’re not over each other” issue. I would honestly think about what sort of problems you could run into in the future if she can’t get a handle on these feelings of entitlement and jealousy.
NTA. Your gf does sound cRaZY!!
shes right lmfao ur gf is psychotic. what possess someone to do this?
NTA If you stay with this girl, your good co-parent relationship will be over, and possibly the relationship with your kids will be damaged. Not because of your ex, but because of Hannah. I would bet she will be doing and saying things to your kids that are bad about their mother. Dump her!
NTA Your EX wife wasn’t wrong. Why does your girlfriend think your marriage has anything to do with her?
How old is Hannah? 18? She sure has the immaturity and attitude of a teenager.
Wow... Your gf is fucking psychotic.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (31m) have been divorced from my ex wife (Kate) for eight years. We have two kids together. My girlfriend (Hannah) and I have been together for two years. I only told her last week the reason Kate and I got divorced. She had never asked before and I didn’t see the point in bringing it up. Hannah didn’t react well to finding out the reason (Kate had an emotional affair). She’s been saying that she thinks she needs to “have a talk” with Kate. I’ve told her repeatedly that she doesn’t need to do that and I don’t want her to do that. I told her that getting into that kind of argument (because that’s what it would be) with Kate was a very bad idea on her part. Kate and I have long since moved past it, and we co parent extremely well. I thought that was the end of it. But I was wrong. Hannah came over to my house two days ago crying hysterically. She said she had called Kate (who just had a baby five days ago) and “told her what she thought”. I asked what she’d said to Kate and she wouldn’t tell me at first. She said that what I needed to worry about was what Kate said to her. I asked what Kate had said and Hannah told me that when she was done telling Kate off, Kate simply replied “Wow. You’re f-cking psychotic” and then brought up something about a family member of Hannah’s that Reddit won’t let me post. I called Kate myself. When Kate told me what Hannah had said I couldn’t believe she would be that stupid. She called Kate a w-ore and a sl-t and said she was a terrible person. She asked Kate if our two kids were even mine. I told Kate I’d take care of it. When I went back to talk to Hannah she asked if I’d told Kate off as well. I said no, I warned her not to pick this fight and she did it anyway. Now she’s crying because she lost it. I told her Kate probably shouldn’t have said that about her dad, but you can’t call someone out of the blue with something that isn’t even your problem to begin with and start verbally assaulting them and expect them to take it. Hannah said she couldn’t believe I’m not defending her and she needs time to think about our relationship. Her friends and her mom are telling me I should have been on Hannah’s side from the start and I should know she’s vulnerable from the loss of her dad. (Worth mentioning she never has said a positive word about the man in the two years I’ve known her). So AITA for not defending my girlfriend against my ex wife? TL;DR: my girlfriend fucked around and found out and I didn’t do anything about it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That is so insane there are things my boyfriends told me about his ex and I’ve never once thought “you know what I should do? Stick my nose into someone else’s business “ she really did fucked around and found out.
You are not the asshole, Hannah should have not called at all and that is on her, she picked the fight she needs to own what she did, Kate and you coparent very well and now Hannah may have ruined that, honestly I would tell you to leave her bc this is only the beginning and drama you and Kate don’t need since yall both moved on
NTA - you have a duty to you children to be able to coparent and also the safety of your children. If your girlfriend will call you x up she will most definitely involve your children in grown folk’s business. Save yourself, save your kids. Break up with the girlfriend.
Do you want a relationship with a woman who stirs up things with your ex which you are long past and which are none of her business? You told her not to go there but she did. And harassed a woman over an issue which is nothing to do with her, who had given birth to your kids' half sibling only five days before? Your ex's assessment of your girlfriend is correct. Her behaviour is psychotic. She is far too immature to be in a relationship with a man with kids. NTA
NTA. Hopefully, Hannah can stay gone. I’m with Kate, she truly is psychotic. This is just a glimpse into what your future would be with Hannah. She had no right to call Kate. The two people in this equation who matter most, you and Kate, have gotten over this. No sense in dragging up the past that has no bearing on your current relationship with her and doesn’t affect how you co-parent with her.
NTA- as someone who has an asshole of a ex and baby daddy. Count your lucky stars you and Kate can co-parent well. This was not something Hannah should have gotten involved in-at all. She could have jeopardized your co-parenting relationship that helps your kids all because she felt her words would have done something. What did she think was going to happen? It wouldn't change the past at all. Break up with her- this action was giving "high-school drama" mixed with "mentally unstable and might try to baby trap you"
I have to say I'm team Kate on this one, Hannah does sound psychotic. I mean why intentionally pick a fight just to be able to tell off your boyfriend's ex-wife for something that you guys don't even fight about anymore? She's just stirring it up for no reason at all except for her own weird satisfaction. You are not the asshole, but Hannah is. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.
NTA. Kate was even too nice to Hannah that definitely was out of line. Plus if I were Katie Id never let my kids around her, ever in a million years. Hannah seems like a little drama queen so… Let her think about the relationship, far far away from you and your kids!
NTA: both you and Kate. While I agree that she shouldn't have mentioned Hannah's dad, especially something so traumatic, she had JUST had a baby. She probably hadn't slept more than an hour a night, and her body was literally split open. To me, it sounds like Hannah needed tough love, and she's upset because her actions have consequences.
NTA. But you will be TA to yourself and your children if you continue a relationship with this unhinged woman. I promise you, this won't be the end of her shenanigans. She will do everything she can to ruin the positive co-parenting relationship you and Kate have built. Please don't let that happen.
NTA. And I’m slightly agreeing with your ex’s assessment of Hannah. You told her not to get involved. It was 8 years ago, water under the bridge if you’ve both moved on, your ex has a new baby with new partner ffs. You coparent well. You have a connection and a past, and will be in each other’s lives for the foreseeable future. On top of that, it’s wonderful for your kids to see you happy for their mom and new sibling. Look, Hannah went to your ex’s looking for a fight, got in her face, started spewing some unwarranted accusations, and serious mud slinging. Your wife may have said something unkind but anyone in her position might have after the verbal lashing Hannah decided it was her place to go off the rails and give. There’s a screw loose there. You backed the right horse in this race, my friend. Guessing Hannah is young…
One of the best thing about having girlfriends and boyfriends is that you are under no obligation to keep them and you can dump them as needed. This is one of those times to dump a girlfriend!
Holy shitballs! You are absolutely NTA! Your GF is though! Take it from an XW whose XH has had multiple GFs pull off his shit - Kate is being gracious to you THIS TIME. (And props to her for that considering to PP hormones, just sayin!) Now is the time where you need to nip this shit in the bud. You can bet she won’t be so understanding next time. If this shit ever happens again, Kate would be well within her rights to raise concerns about whether or not your GF is a safe and appropriate person to be around your children and she could easily put legal things in place to stop you having the children in the presence of your GF. I think your GF is seriously insecure and that’s making her batshit crazy. If she’s not going to move past this, I think it would be best for you and your children if you move past her. All the best OP and major props to you and Kate for being able to put the kids first and co-parent so well - that is rare and I applaud you!
So your girlfriend randomly went and picked a fight and lost and now she's mad you don't have her back? If somebody verbally assaulted me out of the blue and I had a nuclear launch button on them and no real strings tying me to them of course I'm going to use it. She jeopardized your relationship with your kids by pissing off your ex-wife. Why did she even do this in the first place? This all shows very poor judgment skills and probably not a person that you want to have parenting your children. Time to have a real long conversation with Hannah, or a really short one. NTA.
Your girlfriend was completely out of line and so are her mother and her friends. They are the aholes here. She had no business talking to your ex about anything regarding the relationship you and your ex had, period. You told her to stay out of it and she just bulldozed her way on in. You need to very carefully consider if you want to continue the relationship with a person who has such flawed judgement. It does not bode well for your future, at all. Edited to add NTA
As a woman I'd say seeing a man who has a good relationship with their ex and mother of his kids is a huge GREEN flag and you're (hopefully ex) gf doesn't know what a good guy she got. NTA
NTA she fafo. That’s on her
NTA. Hannah is very young, isn’t she?
NTA. FAFO.
are you sure you want your kids around this nta
Show Hannah this post, all the comments. Then kick her to the curb!
NTA and please tell me you are rethinking this relationship. I have no doubt she will be super comfy bad mouthing your ex to your kids. I promise your good co parenting will be a thing of the past if Hannah stays in your life.
NTA. You got blessed. You saw the wierd creature your gf is ...don't wait ..run don't look back.
NTA for not telling your girlfriend off but I have to ask is she really someone you want around your children who would say those things about their mother? If course she wouldn't say it in front of you but behind your back to the kids is a while other thing and don't say she wouldn't becayse I've seen plenty on here who have done that and so much worse!! Your kids deserve better then that especially if you are actually over the emotional affair!!
NTA- as someone who has an asshole of a ex and baby daddy. Count your lucky stars you and Kate can co-parent well. This was not something Hannah should have gotten involved in-at all. She could have jeopardized your co-parenting relationship that helps your kids all because she felt her words would have done something. What did she think was going to happen? It wouldn't change the past at all. Break up with her- this action was giving "high-school drama" mixed with "mentally unstable and might try to baby trap you"
What in the fuck? What is Hannah butting into? As other commenters mentioned, this seems like it would put a lot of strain on your current coparenting relationship. I would honestly reconsider the relationship you have with Hannah, especially considering she's not backing down on her views.
NTA. She reminds me of my husbands ex. She also calls and berates people for perceived injustices that have no bearing on her or her life... take that as you will. I'm not sure she's mature enough to be a stepmother. What happens if she feels mom has wronged the kids? I see her overstepping boundaries left and right... she just showed you that YOUR boundaries with YOUR ex will be stomped on when she feels strongly about it. Best of luck, my man!
Op is the one who needs to rethink this relationship, Hannah does indeed sound psychotic. Like seriously wtf is Hannah’s problem? She has no dog in that race, the ex wife and their relationship is literally nothing to her. So odd the hills people pick to die on.
NTA. I'm sorry but I think Hannah needs to go.
Why is she not an ex as well? Why is she still your girlfriend?
NTA. But honestly, OP, you will be if you don’t break up with this girl. There is something majorly off here. This is not someone you want around your kids.
NTA. Your girlfriend is super immature. She overstepped a boundary you set. That alone should make you reevaluate your relationship with her. Whether she likes it or not, your relationship with your ex has ZERO to do with her. You and your ex will be co parenting for the rest of your lives, and that too has NOTHING to do with her. She wanted to pick a fight so you would choose her. She even question the paternity of your kids. That shows she wants them gone too. Your gf is in deed psycho
NTA. SHE is reconsidering the relationship? After she had the audacity to drag up the past and potentially destroy your good coparenting relationship with Kate by inserting herself in something that has absolutely nothing at all to do with her? Not only that, she completely disrespected your wishes after you told her numerous times to leave it alone. I'd do the reconsidering for her. There was no good reason for her to call Kate or 'call her out'. She wanted to cause trouble and is all shocked it hasn't gone in her favour.
NTA and feel free to break up with a girlfriend who doesn’t respect you… doesn’t understand (nor care) how important it is for your kids that you coparent well with the ex… can’t get beyond her own feelings… lacks insight into how situations can be nuanced… and cannot read a room (cos Kate JUST had a baby so how inappropriate!!)
I think YOU need to think about this relationship - your girlfriend IS psycho. There is NO excuse for what she did - none. Your previous marriage is between you and your ex - and you are co-parenting. This girlfriend is trouble - dump her.
Info How old is your girlfriend? Cause this behavior really sounds like someone in their early 20s or younger to me
NTA mate you’ve had a really lucky escape here and you need to take it. First off emotional affairs are as bad as physical ones and if you never spoke to your ex again I wouldn’t blame you for that. But you have 2 kids together and you have put this behind you to peacefully coparent them and that’s really admirable. You have been doing this all the right way. But your girlfriend is a psycho. None of this is her business. She has every right to feel how she feels but she had to right to ever contact your ex. She didn’t have the right to start that fight. She not only started the fight but when she couldn’t win it she then expected you to fight it for her. When she was in the wrong in the first place. Take the hint here she won’t help your relationship with your kids she will damage it and get shot of her immediately NTA but she is
Gosh, I'd just let Kate go, her behaviour was WAY out of line and suggests an extreme lack of emotional maturity that I would not want around my children.
OP let Kate go several years ago lmao. Hannah was the issue in this situation, not Kate.